Initiate ocular scan mode.
Illuminate and recalibrate.
Gah! Unthinkable! The horror! This is the first year my earnings are lower than the year before.
I'm sorry, sir.
These days, enlightened people like solar, and the consciously evil prefer fracking.
[SPUTTERS] Wh-Why, if this continues, in 150 years I'll be out on the street.
Sir, sir, sir, I'm sure there's some sort of inessential line item - that no one will miss.
- Mm-hmm.
Effective immediately: children's health care will be cut from workers' benefits.
[BOOING] This meeting is over.
God bless the United States of America and release the hounds.
[BARKING] Oh, I got three kids, and they've all got health.
I am so cursed.
That's what you get for having a family.
[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna die like I lived: nice and lonely.
[CHUCKLES] Sweet.
Maybe we can get the kids government health care.
Oh, sorry, Marge, that's gone, remember? Because of those corporate tax cuts we all wanted? I didn't want them.
[LAUGHS]: You say so now, but I remember you back then.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: "Ooh, corporate tax cuts.
Makers not takers.
" Oh, every time Ann Coulter has a cold, you think she's me.
I'm sorry, honey.
We'll just have to cut back on the kids' meds.
Back in my day, children didn't need no meds! You just gave 'em a slug of whiskey and sent 'em off to school.
And if they lost their snowshoe, you'd beat 'em with the other one! That's how we raised the generation that lost Vietnam.
Bart, your old attention deficit disorder medicine isn't covered by insurance anymore, so we'll have to use a cheaper drug that's just as good.
So goodbye, Focusyn.
Hello, Chillaxodol.
Mm.
Mom, I was just on hypochondria.
edu, and I think you should see something.
Are you giving your precious child the generic ADD medication Chillaxodol? Yes.
Why? Your child may experience unwanted side effects, including headaches painful spasms [BABBLING] dry mouth [GASPS] Ah.
- and whiskers - Mm! musical flatulence [FARTING RHYTHMICALLY] involuntary Memphis juking sudden relocation MARGE: Hmm? Mm.
and a symptom that can only be described as "dolphining.
" [SQUEAKING] [GASPS] If you or a loved one is experiencing any of these side effects, you would do well to remember that life is heartless and brutal, and the cosmos is indifferent to us all.
I'd say goodbye, but what's the point? [HORN HONKS] - [TIRES SCREECH] - [THUD] Without insurance, we'll just have to go to [SIGHS] Dr.
Nick.
Sorry, everybody.
Remember, if at any time you become a dog, then I can medicine you.
No hope.
There's no hope here.
Hmm.
"The healing magic of crystals.
" [SIGHS] Well, I've tried everything else.
Shalom, kind queen.
I mean the "hello" shalom, but also the "peace" one.
How can I soothe you? Wow.
That was a lot just now.
But yet it's only a snippet of the cosmic conversation.
Look, my son is having bad side effects from his ADD meds.
His father wants him to join football for a nice, calming concussion.
I have just the thing for you.
Crystals? Healing crystals.
I am pretty desperate.
Crystals are a timeless database of energy, knowledge and sparkling.
Scientists are finally waking up to what pyramids have known all along.
[LIKE DRACULA]: I vant to suck your money.
Uh, maybe I could just buy a couple rocks and go.
Oh, they're more than rocks.
They make great stocking stuffers.
And for Hanukkah? Uh, useless.
[SCRAPING NEARBY] MARGE: Hey.
Bart, it's time for your ADD treatment.
Aah aah, aah, aah.
Hmm, maybe he's a little overtrained.
It's not a pill.
Ooh, a suppository.
Fill 'er up.
It's not a drug.
I want you to try these.
Hmm [EXPLOSION] I believe.
[HUMMING A TUNE] "A" paper by Lisa.
"A" paper by Lisa.
"A" paper by Bart.
An "A"? Oh, my gosh, Bart! Could it really be the crystals? Yes, definitely the crystals.
You really got an "A"? No white-out.
The answers are actually correct.
Maybe he really did the work.
Or maybe he cheated, and I have to find out how.
Whoa! Someone could use a chill-out crystal.
It's made by your boyfriend, Lis, the Earth! Lisa has a boyfriend? And this is how I find out? I don't know which of you two is dumber.
So I'm a bit of a mystery, huh? Huh? [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Marge, I heard Bart got an "A.
" - How'd you do it? - Can you keep a secret? Unless it's about a person, yes.
It was crystals.
Crystals, huh? I could use some of those for Kirk.
I want to seed the bed with them, so he doesn't crawl over to me.
No worries.
I'll pick up more on my way home.
Oh, no, what happened? I'm closing the store.
A cot finally opened up in this cult I've been trying to get into.
Congratulations, I guess.
Can I still buy crystals? Just take 'em.
In fact, you can have my entire inventory.
Thank you.
Now, enter my chariot to Heaven.
Are you sure about this? Of course! I'm ascending to a higher level of being.
Now, sisters, let us Sharpie in the whites of our eyes.
[SHARPIES SQUEAKING] MARGE: Oh, wow.
"Before passing on to a new owner, "crystals should be cleared of their old energy with a combination of water and sulfur.
" Which is just what comes out of our tap! The crystals got Kirk a new job.
With a uniform! That's right, I'm a batboy.
[CHUCKLES] Nelson got an "A" on his test! This is going right up on the refrigerator in the front yard.
Marge, we need more crystals.
MARGE: I'm not even 100% sure these things work.
Should I really be selling them? You know, these just might make me stop drinking.
I guess I should.
I'm gonna grind 'em up and snort 'em.
Marge, another "A" in my class for Bart.
I'm so impressed that a boy with Bart's jiggly-wigglies could be cured by this pagan hogwash.
You can't argue with facts.
Oh, dear, we're running low on obsidian.
Almost out of moon potion.
And there's no more brain powder.
I can sell you brain powder in bulk.
Here's whose brain the powder is from.
It's a cow, but a very smart one.
Hmm.
What else do you sell? Oh, massage stones, copper bracelets, dream catchers, dream catcher filter replacements.
This old one is full of dreams.
I don't see anything in it.
Don't you see it? Your dream of being a massive success? You see it? Right there.
See it? - Mm-mmm.
- Right there.
See it? I think I am starting to see it.
Are you sure? Do you really? I see it! Yeah, okay, bring it down.
Less Oprah, more Chopra.
I see it.
I guess I could expand my product line.
Then I can really start making my own money, not be dependent on Homer.
Did I hear "not dependent on Homer"? Boom.
Retired.
You should still go in to work.
I don't think I even remember how to get there.
You were just there today.
[ELDERLY VOICE]: Feels like that, doesn't it? [MARGE GRUMBLES] Here at MURMUR, we have everything a holistic mother might need.
Cactus milk.
Wicker birthing chairs.
Fairy traps.
Tibetan singing bowls.
[PLAYING DISSONANT MELODY] [SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER HOWLS] Are these macaroons free-range? Yes.
Only made from coconuts that fall from the tree or are gently coaxed by woke monkeys.
I'm sorry, Marge, I'm gonna have to shut you down.
You don't have a retail business license.
Well, Chief, do I really need a license to sell that hemp body lotion Sarah likes so much? And which is free to you? Ooh, I like it, too! But I'm gonna need more than that.
Hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES] HOMER: Oh, Marge! [WHOOPS] I've only done this before with Monopoly money and salami! Where'd it go? It's all right here, baby.
We made $1,000 today.
What's that without the cost of goods? $998.
[GASPS] I love you.
[MOANS] Ain't it beautiful Ooh, ooh Crystal blue persuasion Better get ready Gonna see the light Love, love is the answer Ooh, ooh And that's all right So don't you give up now Ooh, ooh So easy to find Just look to your soul Look to your soul And open your mind - Meep - [GROWLS] Crystal blue persuasion [SLURPS] So, those crystals must really be uncloggin' your noggin, huh? Yep.
They're making math problems like 60 + 63 as easy as 1-2-3.
Mm.
And what is 60 + 63? - Oh.
Um - It's 1-2-3! BART: Ay, caramba! I'll figure out your scam.
Sorry, Lis, I can't hear you over the bowl.
[SUSTAINED NOTE] You won't get away with it! I will stop you! Because this is not [GRUNTS] Oh, oh.
Singing bowl, you are so peaceful.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS] Luann bought $60 worth of organic blackberries today.
I hope she enjoys both of them.
I need this for shopping.
And this for a rainy day.
Do I hear thunder? Namaste.
We're closed.
What part of "namaste" don't you understand? I'm gonna need you to can it, Marge.
My name is Piper Paisley.
Do I know you? I have a healing beauty relaxorium in Shelbyville.
Perhaps you've heard of PLOP.
Well, it's wonderful to meet a fellow entrepreneuse.
Is it? If I wasn't Botoxed as hell, I'd be frowning at you right now.
[SNAPS] [GASPS] East? That's a solstice stone, not an equinox stone.
Just nama-stay out of my business.
Marge, honey, you've got to be careful.
She means business.
Oh, look what it says.
This means war.
Marge, don't say that! I got into this business because of the kids, but now I like it.
You know what? I'm going to open up a kiosk in the Shelbyville Mall.
On her turf! Ugh! You don't belong there! What happened to that hoverboard guy? Marge made me a better offer! You know you can't do this, right build a competing kiosk in the same escalator dump-out zone? [CHUCKLES]: I mean, you can't.
There's no more law and order in malls.
[WHIMPERS] Aah! You've been living in my kiosk? If you call that living.
Well, well, Bart, another "A.
" [CHUCKLES] Looks like I brought my average up to a "D.
" [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [CHUCKLES] [MYSTERIOUS JAZZ PLAYING] [GRUNTS] Now to test my theory.
Aha! What the hell are you doing? I know what you did, Bart Simpson.
It's crystal clear.
You hid the Gettysburg Address in a poster right by your desk, which you could read when Milhouse distracted Flanders.
[SNIFFING] [GROANING] [FLANDERS GASPS] [MYSTERIOUS JAZZ BEGINS PLAYING] Pure coincidence.
I put all the times tables in Newton's wig.
And look what I hid in the apple.
Ew! You know, it would have been far easier just to study and get an "A.
" Yeah, but what's the point of that? I'm telling Dad.
Not today.
I got my book club.
A Confederacy of Dunces.
Ooh, is that the book? No, that's who's coming: Lenny, Carl, Barney, Moe.
The book we read was, uh, The Girl with the Dragon Something.
- I didn't get through the title.
- Yeah, me neither.
It was just as boring as Tinker Tailor Something Something.
Well, cancel the book club, 'cause Bart has something he has to tell Mom.
Why? You don't realize how bad this is, do you? You betrayed the one person who still believes in you.
The dog believes in me.
Ruh-ruh.
Don't you get it? Who's the person that's always there when you need it? ["I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA" BY THE INTRUDERS PLAYING] I'll always love my mama She's my favorite girl - I'll always love my mama - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Oh, my God.
She's shown me nothing but love.
How do I make this guilt go away? Tell her the truth.
No, that's not it.
Keep pitching.
No, that is it! Oh, fine! Now, looky here.
I learned Swedish to read this here book, and we are gonna discuss it.
Nordic noir is known for its plain language and absence of metaphors.
Dig deeper.
[STAMMERS] The novel reflects, implicitly and explicitly, gaps between rhetoric and practice in Swedish policy.
[PANTING] That'll do nicely.
Who wants cake? I said, who wants cake? Our day of kiosk combat begins.
My sisters abuse Piper's free sample policy.
Mmm.
I smell like the smoking area of a nice resort.
Schmear me like a bagel.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Now, phase two.
The one force no kiosk can withstand: a confused old person.
Somewhere in me is a yoni egg.
I think it might be hatching.
Uh, they don't hatch.
Can you take that chance? Mom, I'm sorry.
I wasn't getting As because of the crystals.
I lied.
This crystal don't work! Nelson got detention, and I got demoted from stripper to topless valet.
Kirk crawled over these and made his way to me.
Three times.
[SIGHS] One last thing to do.
That's not the egg I was thinking of.
Keep looking.
Stop, stop.
Piper, stop.
You win.
I don't belong in this mall with all these legitimate businesses.
[CACKLES] I win! [CHUCKLES] I win.
Me.
I'm sorry, I'm just I'm very competitive.
Have you tried rose quartz? Let me ask you something.
Do I look like an idiot? [CHUCKLES] Ooh, I love your handbag.
Well, thank you.
No prob, babe.
I win.
[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING] Marge, honey, I'm glad you're home.
I've been thinking.
I want to be more than just Mr.
Mrs.
Homer Simpson.
I want to get a job.
You have a job.
I know.
Raising the kids and looking fabulous.
But I thought it would be nice to have somewhere to go every day.
You work at the power plant.
They call every morning and say, "Where are you?" So you're not mad? Oh, I love you! Mwah! Thank you for understanding.
[CHUCKLING]: Oh [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS] Excuse me.
I have a friend I think is here.
Um, I just wanted to make sure she's okay.
Marge.
Good to see you.
But, really, not necessary.
Because everything here is Run! Run! - [RAPID GUNFIRE] - What's happening here?! I thought you were just getting massages! Those were good.
But the other stuff is [SHUDDERS] Blow up the bridge.
[EXPLOSION]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  Woo-Hoo Dunnit
The Simpsons s30e22 Episode Script
Woo-Hoo Dunnit
1 Let go, let go.
[ALARM BEEPING] [GURGLING] [PINGS] This is Dateline: Springfield.
From a distance, the Simpsons were the perfect family.
Homer and Marge were high school sweethearts.
She saved me from a dateless prom.
He saved me from a life with my sisters.
Those two are monsters.
Cut to them, you'll see.
What are you filming us for? NARRATOR: Marge and Homer raised their three kids in an atmosphere of love, laughter and crushing economic anxiety.
The only thing they needed was each other.
When I first met the Simpsons, in 1947, they were building affordable homes in Pennsylvania.
Little Maggie was going to be the next Lindbergh baby.
But John Foster Dulles had other ideas.
Don't interview Grampa.
He almost made Ken Burns quit the business.
[LAUGHS] That pompous old fool was more boring than baseball.
NARRATOR: Little did the Simpsons suspect that their American dream was about to be flipped upside down by the spatula of crime.
Home to a nuclear power plant and an active volcano, Springfield seemed like the safest place in the world.
But that tranquility was about to be shattered, in a mysterious crime that would tear the Simpson family apart.
Tear us apart? Nothing can tear us apart.
Tear us apart.
- Mom, stop saying "tear us apart.
" - It's tearing us apart! Who wants mac and cheese? NARRATOR: Our conscienceless reenactment begins as Marge and Lisa return home from a trip to the market.
MARGE: Whatever we didn't spend, I'd donate to Lisa's secret college fund.
LISA: We hid it in the last place the men in this family would look.
MARGE: [CHUCKLES] A jar of cleanser.
What happened next was one of those lifeâchanging moments that always seem to happen under the sink.
NARRATOR: The entire college fund, $670.
42, was gone.
And just like that, Lisa's dream of going to college for three weeks, without a food plan, was over.
For any parent of young children, the thing you dread most is losing a can full of money.
911 OPERATOR: 911 dispatch.
State the nature of your emergency.
LISA: There's been a robbery! LISA: Send help! 742 Evergreen Terrace.
911 OPERATOR: It wouldn't hurt you to say "please.
" LISA: It's an emergency! You don't have to say "please.
" 911 OPERATOR: Sounds like what's been stolen are your manners.
LISA: Please! 911 OPERATOR: Help is on the way.
You're welcome.
LISA: Can I get your name, please? And your supervisor? LISA: If I may? 911 OPERATOR: Help is no longer on the way.
[FAKE DIAL TONE] LISA: Jerk.
Uh, Chief, you found something? Zero evidence of Pringles, so [SIGHS] So we were back at square one.
It was not your typical breakâin.
No sign of forced entry.
I mean, the dog didn't even bark.
Somebody knew exactly where to rub him.
The tummy.
[MOANS] NARRATOR: A police reenactment confirmed the chief's theory.
[MOANS]: Oh, oh, God, that's great.
Oh, there's no way I'm barking.
Oh, Lou, you got to teach my wife to do this.
NARRATOR: With zero evidence of a breakâin, police suspicion turned to the family.
This just didn't pass what cops call "the smell test.
" I've watched a lot of cop shows in my day.
I consider myself something of an amateur policeman.
[CHUCKLES] Let me just stop this documentary, or "doc," here and now! We are good people.
We do not steal.
That's borrowing.
Borrowing.
Borrâowâing.
NARRATOR: And so this nuclear family began to explode, as suspicion focused on one man.
Oh, what about the important clue the police missed? Somebody set a drink down here without a coaster.
That had to be a stranger.
This is an expensive table, and my family knows I don't want it stained.
D'oh NARRATOR: Springfield detectives made a desperate plea to the public for help.
â They didn't have to wait long.
â [PHONE BEEPS] MILHOUSE [OVER PHONE]: Nelson came to school today with a salonâquality haircut.
His family doesn't even have money for milk.
He eats cereal with rain water.
â [PHONE BEEPS] - Mr.
Teeny stole the money, like he steals all my scenes.
I swear it on my very bone.
Sincerely, anonymous caller.
But just as you're about to give up after two calls, â you hit pay dirt.
â [PHONE BEEPS] HELEN [OVER PHONE]: I would like to accuse Marge Simpson of stealing that money to feed her gambling habit.
She told my husband, the minister, that she was an addict.
In confidence, but, you know.
[CHUCKLES] NARRATOR: Marge Simpson.
This suburban mother with Olive Oyl good looks had kicked her gambling habit years ago.
Or had she? MARGE: I admit it.
I couldn't resist the temptation.
But then I did.
NARRATOR: Marge walked out of the casino and off the suspect list.
Shockingly, the mystery would not be solved in the first five minutes of the show.
With Marge's name cleared, the police moved to the next suspect on their list, Homer Simpson.
Homer's bar tab was spiraling out of control.
Five, six hundred bucks.
That night, Moe cut him off.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] I'm sorry Yeah, our theory was that Homer came home wasted, he fell, he shimmied and he found the money under the sink there, and he figured he'd just use it to pay his tab.
Well it's indisputable that Homer visited the kitchen before going to bed.
You see, we found spaghetti sauce splatter consistent with a very violent lateânight snack.
This is, ah, this is not a flayvin situation.
Although, I still am compelled to say flayvin.
LOU: Sauce on the walls, the ceiling, under Homer's fingernails.
That pasta fought hard for its life.
What that man did to those leftovers I'm sorry, IâI can't continue.
NARRATOR: But if the kitchen had been a tomatoâsoaked abattoir that night, why had no one noticed in the morning? Hmm.
LOU: He cleaned up the kitchen after stuffing all the money into his pocket, so we just had to get those pants.
Fortunately, a simple sting did the trick.
[HOMER HUMMING] Ooh, Super Bowl in July! [CHUCKLES] No money in these pants.
All we find is candyâcoated peanuts, popcorn and a prize.
Now, that's some Cracker Jack detective work.
[LAUGHS] Get it? Cracker Jack? [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Yeah.
But as for evidence, we, uh, we got nothing.
With Homer still the prime suspect, and the investigation stalled, Deadline: Springfield was in dire straits.
The show desperately needed a cliffhanger commercial break.
What if the real criminal mastermind was billionaire Montgomery Burns? Why would I steal $600? That's nothing to me.
This is what rich is.
Smithers, bring me some more money.
Need more convincing? No.
We'll be right back.
NARRATOR: Police returned to their first theory: could Homer Simpson have done it? Oh, definitely.
Hey, you're gonna distort my voice for this, right? 'Cause I don't want no one knowing that this is Moe Szyslak here.
Oh, and cut the name, too, yeah? NARRATOR: As Moe Szyslak said, Homer was definitely a suspect.
It was pretty clear, Chief liked Homer Simpson for this case.
Well, geez, Lou, I wouldn't say that I likedâliked him.
I just, uh why, did he say something about me? I mean you thought he was a person of interest.
Shut up.
I can find someone interesting without being interestâed in them.
Shut up.
Yeah, but then new evidence came in that apparently cleared Homer.
Phone records showed a sixâhour call from Homer's phone to a third party on the night of the crime.
The DNA revealed that it was a butt dial.
Yeah, and not just to someone on his speed dial list.
Uhâuh.
His dexterous cheeks dialed all ten digits.
[PHONE BEEPING] DISCO STU [OVER PHONE]: Disco Stu is unavailable for you.
At the beep, you know what to do.
When police played back Homer's message, it revealed a horrifying truth.
Homer didn't scrub the spaghetti sauce off that kitchen with cleanser.
The sick bastard licked those walls clean.
[HOMER MUMBLING, MOANING] He had a little help.
[BARKING] [YOWLS] [GRUNTING] My first thought was to delete the message, sure, but then I started grooving to that slurping safari.
I hadn't heard any other music than disco in so long.
Sometimes, a persona can just it becomes a trap, you know? I knew it couldn't be Homer.
Every Simpson is innocent.
NARRATOR: Until proven guilty.
No.
Just innocent.
What are you doing? Stop panning across the family.
They didn't do it.
Finally.
I've been expecting you.
[LAUGHS] Like any normal healthy boy, Bart has been the focus of numerous police investigations.
But a mother knows when her son is innocent.
And when she's kidding herself, and when she's turning a blind eye.
This time he's innocent.
Just ask his friends.
â State your name for the record.
â Bart Simpson took the money.
I admit I knew about the money under the sink, but whatever I borrowed, I always put back.
Also, $600? What would a tenâyearâold boy do with that much money? Slime.
Bart was buying slime.
I've never seen such a cooperative witness.
I brought extra batteries for your tape recorder, too.
NARRATOR: Slime.
The gooey, harmless plaything wildly popular with kids today.
I'd seen all the fads: yoâyos, pogs, PokÃ©mon, crunking, the short stories of John Cheever.
But this beat them all.
On a clear day Rise and look around you And you will see who [GRUNTS] You are My plan was, if I owned all the slime, I'd set the price, except that's when the bottom fell out.
[SCREAMING] Lucky for me, there was one gullible schlub who didn't realize the craze was over.
I sold my entire stash to him.
I have not agreed to be in your documentary.
Please go.
BART: So I put the money back I had borrowed from under the sink, and I filmed it because I knew no one would believe me.
NARRATOR: So that's everyone in the Simpson family, except for Lisa, of course.
It couldn't be her, right? Nah.
Well, let's look at the Oh, for God's sake.
I asked Lisa where she was when the money was stolen and she said, "Chillin'.
You know, maxin' and relaxin'.
" Now these are the words of a very cool person, but Lisa Simpson is not even a little cool.
So [CHUCKLES] huh.
MARGE: Oh, come on.
No one, I repeat no one, would believe Lisa could do it.
But she's also a girl who wants a new saxophone.
I'm just saying.
I've been Lisa's supplier for years.
Reeds, wipes, valve grease.
Would she commit a crime over a new sax? [CHUCKLES] Did Dave Brubeck compose in 9/8 time? He did.
We'll count it out together.
[HUMMING "BLUE RONDO Ã LA TURK" BY DAVE BRUBECK] Go ahead, give it a spin.
[PLAYING "NIGHT LIGHTS" BY GERRY MULLIGAN] Oh, it's the best bari sax on the market, a Smoothphone Jazzhonker in black nickel.
[CHUCKLES] But I wouldn't steal for it.
NARRATOR: When we come back, Lisa did it.
â No, I didn't.
â Lisa, it's your bedtime.
I got to go.
My mom's reading me Harry Potter book four.
NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, the one where Cedric Diggory dies? â You suck.
â NARRATOR: You did it! No, you did it, jerk.
Okay, okay.
Time's up.
[GRUNTS] The reed's mine.
NARRATOR: You can't spell greed without reed.
Check it out.
Why did we agree to do this documentary? Because all our biggest stars today come from true crime documentaries: The Jinx, Making a Murderer, and Matt Lauer on the Today Show.
NARRATOR: It turns out Lisa did not buy the new saxophone.
Someone else did.
I've always wanted to play bari sax, but my father insisted on tenor.
In you go.
â What do you think of this? â You're still a disappointment.
[SHOUTS] NARRATOR: But if Lisa was innocent, why was she so reluctant to explain her whereabouts at the time of the crime? Shut up about my Lisa! I can tell you where she was.
â She was â Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup! Mom! Mom! No! Err! Apparently, some of the girls at school were Let's just say I stole the money, okay? End of documentary.
See you at the Independent Spirit Awards.
I took her to her hopscotch tutor.
LISA: I was hanging on by a thread, and now the whole world will joke about how I am the only girl who ever needed a hopscotch tutor.
Lisa, just repeat after me.
One foot, two foot, one foot, one foot, two foot, one foot, two foot, one foot So stupid.
Who invented this game? The Scotch invented hopscotch and Scotch tape! â What about scotch whiskey? â Never heard of it.
See, I told you, all innocent.
So maybe now you vultures can leave us be.
NARRATOR: We've taken up enough of your time.
Let's go, guys.
What are you doing? My family's in the clear.
I want you to apologize to my wife! NARRATOR: Apologize? [CHUCKLES] Us? Oh, you will, and you know why? I am the last person that watches network television, including the commercials.
[GRUNTS] I apologize.
MARGE: Now promise that this scene will not be removed in editing.
I can't promise that, only the editor can.
â I got him.
â I'm gonna report you to the American Cinema Editors.
- It's just an honorary society.
- You take that back! Whew.
What a relief.
So who did do it? It was obviously Bart.
It's always Bart.
Hey, nothing is my fault 'cause Dad raised me so rotten.
Well, nothing is my fault 'cause my dad raised me so rotten.
Don't blame me.
It was a race out the door and your mother won.
â Oh, yeah? â It was Bart! â [OVERLAPPING ARGUING] - To show how irresponsible you are! Shut up, all you innocent people.
I wish I was never responsible for you.
Stop it, stop it! You're tearing this family apart.
And stop calling the sofa a love seat! I barely like it! NARRATOR: The great Simpson Robbery remains unsolved.
Justice may never be served, but at the end of the day, what matters is that we enjoyed watching bad things happen to human beings who aren't us.
Ah! Help, Mother.
[RALPH HUMMING] [LISA GROANS] WIGGUM: You try not to dwell on your innumerable failures.
Instead, you stare out to sea and try to look like you're thinking deep thoughts.
Just like this.
Yeah.
You got what you need? 'Cause I got an itch, I got to scratch it.
Now let's celebrate.
We got through a documentary looking better than before it started.
Nobody's done that since AndrÃ© the Giant.
Homer Simpson, you'll leave a ring.
Taâda! A snapâon coaster.
Nifty, huh? What the? Where'd you get this thing? I invented it.
How many of these things did you have made? A thousand.
I wanted to start a business.
A thousand, huh? That must've been expensive.
That's what I thought, but it was only 65 cents apiece.
So 650 bucks total? When did you get so good at your timeses? [GASPS] It was you, but the whole time you denied it.
It was always you! - [SOBBING] IâI can explain.
- No! No explanation.
Kids, get in here! For once in this marriage, you did the wrong thing.
I am going to savor this.
I am gonna wait until I do something wrong, and then Okay, we're even.
Well, let me just explain why.
Every day, you go out to your friends, to Moe's.
Life to you is an adventure.
And I had an idea, an idea for something that might make me somebody.
But I admit it, I was gambling, on myself.
[SOBBING]: I understand, honey.
I completely understand.
[BOTH SOBBING] â What's going on? â Well, Lisa, â I'm afraid I have to say â Lisa, I just want you to know your mother's about to say that the money was eaten by rats.
â But â How did rats get inside the can? Uh Grampa left it open.
Oh, why do they blame everything around here on me? â [MICROWAVE DINGS] â Oh, good, the cat's done.
Marge, I'd like to take a walk with the greatest woman ever.
Oh.
From that moment on, Homer and I had never been closer.
HOMER: We shared a dark secret.
It was so sexy.
[BOTH MOANING] Marge, I have a secret, too.
[WHISPERS]: I'm losing my hair.
"The Great Simpson Robbery remains unsol" WâWait, what do you mean unsolved? [STAMMERS] What the hell is this? My public expects me to solve the mystery, Bob.
It's not like we can just change the format of the show.
You just read the copy.
Our viewers want one thing, it's simple: solve the freakin' crime, be told who did it.
[HOARSELY]: And I am the soothing voice, â the reassuring voice that Ah! â [POP] [QUIETLY]: Did you hear that? Oh, my God, I snapped my right vocal cord that's the dulcet one.
Quick! Prep him for cord transplant.
We don't have a human donor.
All we have is the vocal cord of a sheep.
And I'm [BLEATING]: baâaâack.
He has an unbelievable work ethic for a voiceâover actor.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  D'oh Canada
The Simpsons s30e21 Episode Script
D'oh Canada
1 [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [YELLS] [BEEPS] [PLAYING UPBEAT HARP MUSIC] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [1950S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] [1960S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] [1970S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] Oh! [1980S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] [SCREAMING] [ALL EXHALE] BOTH: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? - [HOMER GROANING] - Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? You're here, you're just in a long line.
- Thank you.
- We appreciate it.
- [PHONE CHIMES] - [GASPS] Points.
- [BABY LAUGHS] - Follow me.
- Where? - Points.
Points, points, excuse me, points.
- Coming through, points.
- My visor! No, Dad.
No.
We've been in line for an hour.
Hmm, you have a point.
- [GASPS] Points! - [SHOUTS] [TIRES SCREECH] Will you please explain where you're taking us, and don't just say "points.
" Okay.
Over a lifetime of credit card debt, and paying for credit card debt with worse credit card debt, this family has two million hotel rewards loyalty points, which we can only use at the nearest Second Best Western Motel.
Oh, Dad, the points expire at midnight.
No worries.
If I average 80 miles an hour for 14 straight hours, - we'll make it.
- I love you, Homer.
- Step on it, Dad! - [PHONE VIBRATING] And I'll field this call from Grampa.
[FALSETTO VOICE]: Connection failed.
GRAMPA [OVER PHONE]: But my liver! So where exactly are we going? Niagara Falls.
- Eh.
- Meh.
Paid for by points.
[CHANTING]: Points! Points! Points! I spy a closed-down Toys "R" Us.
[GROANS] I spy a bankrupt Sears and Roebuck.
- D'oh! - I don't know about this game.
I find it a little [GASPS] Circuit City overrun by wild dogs.
[BARKING, GROWLING] BART AND HOMER: Booyah! How can you booyah this country's decline? Cheer up, honey.
We're headed to the one place that can never decline, because it was never that great: Upstate New York.
Start watching Fox News Stop watching your weight There is no fancy part of it Upstate New York They're fond of their booze Hot wing sauce is great I'm gonna clog my heart in it Upstate New York I want to sleep in, in a city That never wakes And find I'm fitting right in One of the gang Par for the course The Kodak plant closed But I'm longing to stay And go on disability In Upstate New York Can't make it anywhere But I can make it there I love you so Upstate New York.
Benedict Arnold fought here, baby.
[BIRDS CHIRPING] You want a quarter for the binoculars? I guess.
Those tourist binoculars are never that strong.
[COIN CLATTERS] LISA: Now, that's worth a quarter.
BART: So magnificent.
Hey, Lis, want to bounce? Not till I've soaked in the full majesty of the falls.
And done.
Take that, blue boy.
Eat rubber, red head.
[GRUNTS] I can't believe the kids are already bored with the view.
Mmm.
While the kids are bouncing around, why don't we do a little bouncing, too? [LAUGHS] That's even more romantic than what you said at Fort Dix.
[BOTH MOANING] [BOTH GRUNTING] - Whoa! - [LAUGHS] Let's see, the angle of rebound equals the angle of incidence.
[GASPS] Ooh, I forgot to account for surface irregularities.
[GASPS] Okay, time to take a sick day.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God! Ooh, a rainbow.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! [GRUNTS] [POPS LOUDLY] [GROANS] Where am I? Oh handsome, horsey.
Am I in heaven? Even better, eh? You're in beautiful Canada is what I'd say if Canadians weren't too modest to brag.
But we are.
Oh I have a young girl who may I repeat, may need medical attention, eh? - I repeat: eh.
- [SIRENS WAILING] [SIGHS] Ms.
Simpson, you're a very lucky lady.
Oh, sweetie, thank God, thank God.
[GRUNTING] Your daughter's fine, but I recommend a five-day stay.
Of course, of course.
We'll take out a third mortgage.
Sir, you're in Canada now, where your health care is free.
Free health care.
Why can't America do that? She's delirious, Doc.
America can't pay for health care and give corporations the tax breaks they so desperately need.
I'm not delirious.
In fact, I've never felt more protected.
Not like back home.
Ooh, hang on.
Did you just say you don't feel safe in your home country? Why should she feel safe? In America, the great El Barto roams the streets.
So, let me get this straight: you're afraid of America.
Is that right, young lady? - Well, there's voter suppression - Shh.
and utter disregard for the environment Shh.
- a president who's such a son of a - Shh.
Oh, save that language for the lower 48.
No, I'm telling you.
Our president really is a god - Shush.
- We know.
[MOANS] Lisa, as you're clearly a victim of political persecution who fears for her life, I must keep you in Canada where you'll be safe and assigned your own hockey team.
Please not Ottawa, please not Ottawa.
Yeah, I'm, I'm so sorry.
[GASPS] You can't keep my daughter.
She's the heart and soul of this family.
- Hey.
What am I? - You're the spleen.
We don't know what it does and we don't care.
My hands are tied, ma'am.
She's in the asylum pipeline now.
You can't separate us from our child.
That's America's thing.
Well, then you leave us no choice.
We have to deport you, Canadian-style.
Great.
Come on.
Bring it in, bring it in.
Lisa, are they taking care of you? Are you eating okay? [CANADIAN ACCENT]: Look, I'm fine, eh.
We're losing her.
Mom, I'm okay.
They put me in a nice foster home with Gord and Francette here.
Enough with the accent.
[REGULAR ACCENT]: Okay.
Lisa, where should we go for dinner tonight? Harvey's or Swiss Chalet? How about Mr.
Submarine? [GASPS] Or Earls? Don't forget Humpty's.
Mmm, restaurant chains I never heard of.
[MOANS] Homer, you take Bart back to Springfield.
I am going for my daughter.
Local smarty-pants Lisa Simpson has been abducted by America's Ned Flanders to the north, Canada.
Here in Springfield, reactions to Lisa's loss have been loud and uninformed.
Lisa was the moral center of this town.
Now it's Barney, who knows nothing.
Except it is the purpose of government to see that not only the legitimate interests of the few are protected, but that the rights of the many are conserved.
- Shut your gibber-hole.
[GRUNTS] - Ow! Ugh! She was the only one in this band worth a tinker's damn.
- [ALL GROANING] - Oh, come on.
You know you all stink.
We've been working on the same song for 30 years.
[GASPS] Can you fall in love with a country? The science textbooks acknowledge climate change.
Class, let's give an enthusiastic but quiet hello to Lisa Simpson.
STUDENTS: Hello.
As an American, I'd like to apologize for something our president said about your wonderfully progressive prime minister.
Is there any way I can send a note? Or maybe I could - Right this way.
- Oh.
Hmm! - Mr.
Trudeau? - Yes, Lisa? Oh.
I am really, really sorry about what our president called you.
I don't think about it, I've moved on.
Weak.
He called me weak.
Absolutely.
Let me ask you.
Does this look weak? Seriously? Wow, that is impressive.
Uh, watch your tie.
So, listen, if I could just ask you one question about the SNC-Lavalin scandal? [SUSPENSEFUL ESPIONAGE MUSIC PLAYING] MRS.
SCARBOROUGH: Now, Lisa, we'll be doing a class play based on a great Canadian novel.
The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz by Mordecai Richler? Maybe next year, Oliver.
It's never Duddy.
No, we're doing a child-friendly version of The Handmaid's Tale.
Ooh, I'd like to try out for Offred.
[SOUNDS OF AWE] Oh, so you're asking directly for something you want.
Well, that's not very Canadian, but I like it.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] I've never been happier.
[GIGGLES] Polite applause, children.
[WEAKLY]: Yay.
No.
[GROANS] [GRUNTS] [DELIGHTED GASP] Hi, Mrs.
Simpson.
I have to get my daughter back.
Can I hide in the trunk? Okay, but don't tell anyone we're going up for beer.
MARGE AND DRIVERS: We all know.
[FEEBLE GROAN] D'oh.
What's this blue stuff, eh? Oh, um, it's called a car tail.
Stupid new American fad.
Oh, we'll get it in six months.
Move along.
SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: Good-bye! Where is she? Mom.
- [GASPS] Oh, sweetie.
- [GRUNTING] Mmm, this is the best hug we've ever had.
Yes, it's wonderful.
Please don't make me leave.
Your home is with us, not them.
You must have known I wasn't happy in Springfield.
All I did was play the blues.
Are you sure you didn't play the blues because slow tempos are easier? Maybe a little.
But this country is better.
Their Fox News is just news about foxes.
Listen, you little traitor.
I'm your mother.
And you live where I live.
You're coming home with me.
I'm really gonna miss this place.
If it makes you feel any better, Canada exploits its environment, too.
- Wha? - This country does it all.
Tar sands, strip-mining, Mountie-mocking, geese-goosing, French fry-gravying.
Okay, but I'm sure you treat all peoples equally.
- Except the QuÃ©bÃ©cois.
- And the Newfies.
KIDS: Stupid Newfies.
I'm a Newfie.
Whee.
I guess that does make me feel a little better.
Thank you.
Where the wind blows cold And there's ice and snow Some days go on forever But I'm warm and fed In a Newfoundlander's bed I'll be an islander forever I'll be an islander Forever.
MARGE: Sir, we'd appreciate it if you gave us safe passage back to America.
Sorry, but as it now says on the Statue of Liberty, "No re-entry without hand stamp.
" - Where do you get the hand stamp? - There isn't one.
Our top story tonight: Estranged Brew.
Marge Simpson and her daughter have now been banned from the United States, just like asbestos.
And this just in: asbestos is back into America's hospitals and schools.
Let me just say this asbestos will be reinstalled with the greatest of care.
[COUGHS] Oh, Homie, I don't know how we're gonna get back.
Hmm how soon can you grow a mustache? That won't work.
Your call.
Hmm, at least it looks like you're getting along okay without us.
You know, since Lisa and I are stuck here, maybe you should move up here with us.
Great idea, great idea.
What the heck? Bring Bart.
No way.
I can't move to Canada.
I revere this country.
Really? The last vote you cast was for Quisp.
And I won.
Maybe we could find a way to sneak out.
I snuck in.
You do what you want; I'm not leaving.
Okay.
You win, Lisa.
Looks like we're gonna be here together.
But there's one thing I need you to do.
Take one last look at the country you left behind and focus on anything good about it.
You're right.
America's like a great boyfriend that maybe got a little fat and lost a little hair.
What does that have to do with anything? Just go.
Good-bye, USA.
I feel like we did the best we could.
And we can still be friends.
Okay, now I'm gonna focus on the good things that you've got.
["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING] [TRUMPETS] Abe Lincoln Dumbo Aretha Franklin, Eleanor Roosevelt, Seabiscuit, the computer that won on Jeopardy! WATSON: What is "We miss you, Lisa"? [GASPS] Judy Blume.
Oh, I own all your books.
I know, I read my royalty reports.
Having awkward new feelings for your country it's normal, Lisa.
[WHISPERING]: And you're one of my favorite readers.
Welcome home, Lisa.
Well, I haven't decided yet.
Hello, Lisa.
- Louis Armstrong.
- Yeah.
And I'm mighty tired of having to keep appearing in your fantasies.
Get your ass back over here.
Yes, sir, Satchmo.
America ain't perfect, but it's my job to make it better.
See you soon.
[LAUGHS] What are you going over there for? It's legal now.
- WATSON: What is "Pass the Dutch"? - [SEABISCUIT NEIGHS] [DUMBO TRUMPETS] Psst, Mom.
Psst.
I want to go home.
Oh, finally.
We're out of this hellhole.
Who made my bed? Least I could do.
[FRENCH ACCENT]: We will get you across the river.
Nous allons vous faire traverser la riviÃ¨re.
God, it wastes so must time saying everything twice.
I feel so relieved to have finally made up my mind.
[SCRAPING, CRACKING] Ooh.
We must ditch our excess cargo.
- You two.
- [MARGE AND LISA GASP] You're abandoning us in the middle of a frozen river? Wow, Canadians really can be jerks.
Yes, for every Martin Short, there is no shortage of Shatners.
[EVIL FRENCH LAUGHTER] Hope you wash up on a shore you like! [EVIL FRENCH LAUGHTER FADING] [CAR HORN HONKS] - Homie! - Dad! Guess who's here to save the day.
Why did you get a truck so big? It's the smallest one Detroit makes.
[ICE RUMBLING] How will we get in? I know one place where there's always plenty of room.
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING] I missed you, Krusty Burger where there's only one thing I can eat.
I missed you, pony I had for a week.
I missed you, snarky comic book seller.
Thanks for nothing.
I missed you, nuclear ash that looks like snow.
I missed you, mixed martial arts megachurch.
I missed you, Ralph.
You were gone? [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Now can we do Duddy Kravitz? No, we're gonna watch an episode - of The Beachcombers.
- Oh For my show and tell, I brought something from my trip to Canada.
[HORSE WHINNIES] What did you do this week, sir? Well, a Japanese tourist took pictures of me, I fed my horse an apple, and I found a very interesting man hiding in Medicine Hat.
- Papa.
- Hey, Nelson, good news.
You've got a brother in Fort McMurray.
- What's his name? - How would I know? ["O, CANADA" PLAYING]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh
The Simpsons s30e20 Episode Script
I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh
1 [LAUGHS] [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [1960S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] HOMER: My Three Kids.
WILLIE: Everyone, out of my kitchen! Brandine, do I come off as a yokel or a hayseed? Well, you are versatile, darlin'.
You can play anyone in the trailer trash spectrum.
A-yeah, I'm a regular Benedict Cabbage-Patch.
[CHUCKLES] RALPH: Meow! Community thespians, today we return to turn-of-the-century Oklahoma.
Farm boys are farming.
Cowboys are cowing.
And, Carl, do you think your character Ike Skidmore is bringing his cell phone to the box social in 1906? I see him as a forward-thinking guy, a tech first adopter.
You know how I see him? Not played by you! Lenny, get yourself out of that horse's patoot.
You're Ike Skidmore.
Yee-haw! A speaking part! This is gonna be tan-fastic.
Geez, don't make it into a song and dance.
I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jing [EXCLAIMS] My spur's stuck in my eye! Carl, you're back in.
Well, only with Lenny's blessing.
- You don't have it.
- I'm doing it anyway.
Okay, Marge, this is your big song number.
You're Ado Annie, the girl who cain't say no.
Now, do you have any qualms about playing this part? - No.
- Wrong, wrong! You cain't say no.
Now, where's my handsome Curly? Right here.
Now, this I can work with.
HOMER: Okay, Maggie, what shall we do while Mommy rehearses? The dog track is closed.
You can come visit me! I didn't hear that.
Hmm, what shall we do? Why is this place so popular? Do they serve booze? Is it a baby fight club? Is there a big-screen TV? Do they serve booze? Are there free doughnuts? Meet Batman? [GASPS] Do they serve booze? [BABY TALK]: We're going to find out.
Why in the hell is Daddy and Me class packed? You'll understand everything when Chloe comes out.
Quiet, quiet, she's coming.
I borrowed my granddaughter just for this.
I said I was taking her to feed the ducks.
[SCOFFS] Like I have bread money.
- Hi, dads.
- [DADS GREET] Who's ready to do the wiggle worm dance? I vant to viggle like the vorm, ja.
A wiggle worm giggles And a wiggle worm waggles Let's all wiggle like the wiggle worm does.
Oh, I get it, she's sexy.
[GROWLS] Maggie! How long have you been here? Why does this line say "Curt" when I'm talking to Curly? No, you see, "curt" is in parentheses.
It tells you how to say the line.
Obviously lying yeah, no, I knew that.
Impressed noise.
You really know your stuff.
Okay, actors, in the words of William Shakespeare, find your "X" and shut up.
Geez, all right, easy.
All I ask is that you give me the performance I have pictured in my head but have not communicated to you.
Our curtain opens on sun-drenched fields of undulating golden corn.
O Stop, stop, stop! This set is terrible.
That corn isn't as high as an elephant's eye.
Oh, you wanted the corn to be high.
I have never seen such incompetence and idiocy in a theater.
You have made me hate you all.
Excuse my salty language in front of Aunt Eller, but why don't you just take a hike? [GASPS] Oh.
Get lost.
Losing temper, we don't want you here.
Turns to cast, I saved the play.
Marge, surely you want me to stay.
Actually, no.
For the last time, that's the one word you cain't say.
This is mine.
I brought it from home.
Now what do we do? I learned-a to speak like-a the Oklahoma for this? Con-a sarn it.
[GRUNTING] Everyone, stop, just stop.
Chief, no more gunplay.
But I wanna.
[INDISTINCT YELLING] Just listen to me! What if I directed the play? Hey, that's a good idea.
I mean, she directs Homer and the kids out of the house every morning.
And I direct traffic.
That's a stupid analogy.
I think Marge makes us all feel good about ourselves.
[SIGHS]: Mmm.
Yelling in unison.
ALL: Marge! Marge! Marge! Yay! Wait a minute, if this is a real gun, where's the prop? [GASPS] Poor Lou.
All right, you asked for it.
Uh, wh-wh-who wants Oklahoma! tickets? Front row.
I can get you three together.
[GROANS] This is a really complicated show.
So much gingham.
We need a show that we can actually pull off in Springfield.
Small cast, simple sets, and some hip-hop, but not real hip-hop.
Great, but I got to be someplace, so, real quick, the best kind of original show is one that rips off a big hit.
What's the biggest hit? Hellzapoppin'! No, Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Oh, the guy from In the Heights.
Now, how did I know that? I'm back! All right, who's our Alexander Hamilton? That would be me.
Thanks to this furnace filter, you won't be saying "burr" anymore.
No, our most famous historical figure [GASPS] Jebediah Springfield! I'll write a musical biography, warts and all.
I can't see how that could fail.
Now I'm in a hurry Maggie and I have a Daddy and Me class.
Aren't you forgetting something? Keys, wallet, I don't think so.
[CHUCKLING]: Oh, sure.
I'm happy to take Maggie.
You sure like that class.
Oh, uh, some dads just love to be with their little girls.
- Can I go? - Sorry, no.
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
" Oh Poor little eggy, leaking your goo.
The Red Queen's not looking, I'll kiss your boo-boo.
Humpty J.
Dumpty, are you eating yourself? Maybe.
[MARGE GROANS] Excuse me, excuse me, pal.
Take care of your kid.
I-I'm so sorry.
I was just Yeah, I know what you were just.
LISA: Let's see killed a bear, founded a town, died of a beaver bite.
Lis, you're gonna love it.
I came up with the perfect opening.
- Okay - [CLEARS THROAT] Lisa is so stupid, so very, very stupid So dumb and stupid and smelly, too She has a real bad temper, a bad, bad temper And she's smelly, too! You're just motivating me.
I need to finish this.
[WHIMPERS] Ah, my muse.
MARGE: Okay, my first day as director.
[SIGHS] So hard to dress for respect.
No.
No.
No.
Got it.
[GASPS] Hey-a, buddy, what'll it be? Moe, it's me.
Midge! I thought it was Hillary Clinton.
Give me a vodka, straight up.
Are you sure you're not Hillary? Our new production will be Bloody Bloody Jebediah, a hip-hop musical about our city's founder.
Is it respectful? Not entirely.
What?! Why don't we start by going around the circle and saying what parts we're playing.
I'm Marge, the director.
Luann, Jebediah's wife.
Carl, Quarrelsome Settler.
I got a bone to pick with this part.
Beautiful, use it.
Next.
Lenny, Mayor of Shelbyville and an ostrich.
Frink, tech crew.
Always crew.
Hollywood only lets in one Bill Nye in a generation.
[EXCLAIMS] With the nerdy and the hoyvik and the reference only I understand.
And, of course, our incredible star, Sideshow Mel.
Finally not a sidekick.
This is my time to shine.
Your first line is on page 37.
What?! Yo, Jebediah survived the pox Never used clocks Didn't wear socks, that's what we learned From examining his docs, and now the mic drops.
Boom, et cetera.
- [GROANS] - Krusty, what's wrong? It's happened the worst possible thing that can happen to a performer.
What do you mean? I'm in an article entitled, "Where Are They Now?" [SOBS] Right above Judd Nelson and New Coke.
I'll tell you where Judd Nelson is.
He's on my show tonight.
[SOBS] Ah.
Fantastic! What's that thing you were doing? Oh, uh, local theater.
You wouldn't be interested.
Hey, I'm a performer, an artist, which means I'm always interested in money.
Live theater is the only thing getting ratings these days.
Who owns the rights? A Mrs.
Marge Simpson.
Oh, really? Let's see what kind of bargain Mrs.
Marge Simpson drives.
So you'll get 80% of the profits while I get foreign distribution rights in Venezuela for a window of three weeks.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, GROANS] So my little show's gonna be on TV live? Yep.
This is the first time a woman has signed something with me where I didn't lose custody of something.
So where will we stage it? Outside, where the lighting is free.
Ooh, are you sure that's not risky? Well, some would say I'm taking a risk with an original play and a first-time director, but show business is based on risks.
Risks and comic books.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES] So, Marge, are you ready to beg me to come back? Actually, Llewellyn, we're doing fine on our own.
No need to grovel.
You don't actually have to say anything.
Okay, fine, I'll come back.
No one's asking you to come back.
You know what? Just for that, I won't come back.
Fine.
Please, I'm begging you, take me back.
All right, but beware, hell hath no fury like a director scorned.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to sneak my headshot onto the wall.
And poof.
You're flushed, Plummer.
I hired you to bus tables.
- Hmm? - I'm researching a role.
[CHOMPS] Now, Mom, before you go into that production meeting, I want to pass along a quote from F.
Scott Fitzgerald.
"Great art is the contempt of a great woman for small art.
" He actually said "man," but he'd have wanted me to change it.
Didn't he also say, "Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy"? Yes, but he also said, "Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.
" But didn't he also say, "There are no second acts in American lives"? Just get in the meeting! The bagels are getting hard.
[GRUNTS HAPPILY] [DOORBELL RINGS] [CHUCKLES] There's my Jebediah.
Marge, I'm leaving the show to fulfill a lifelong dream playing Prospero in The Tempest.
You can't quit now.
We're live in three days.
We have no understudy.
And you were gonna bring the edibles for the wrap party.
Not my problem.
There's nothing I enjoy more than watching a director trying to talk an actor out of leaving for a better part.
[CACKLES] Dramatic twist! Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of rye Four and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie.
[CAWING, CHIRPING] Stay in there, you stupid blackbirds! [SCREECHING] Darling, you're supposed to kill the blackbirds before you put them in the pie.
Homie, Homie.
[SCREECHING] - Homie.
Homie.
- Blackbirds! Blackbirds! Homie, wake up.
What are you dreaming about? Uh, Daddy and Me class.
You are a great father.
Oh, I wish I felt like a great director.
Fine, if you want me to quit the class, I'll do it.
Who said anything about quitting? I've had enough people quit on me today.
Marge, anyone who can raise two girls and two boys the way you're doing can do anything.
You're gonna make it.
I've got a special announcement today.
You're gonna wear the perfume I bought you? Even better.
Barry's divorce came through, so I'm able to leave this class and marry him.
Come on up, Barry.
[ALL GROANING] Later, losers.
Barry's not sitting cross-legged anymore.
Uh, why him? Maybe I have the cutest baby.
Or maybe the first words I got her to say were "I love you, Chloe.
" [GIBBERING] I love you, Chloe.
We sang "Wheels on the Bus" together.
Well, that's it.
Time to [STAMMERS] Where's the baby I brought? Ah, geez.
I won't be dating her grandma anymore.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] So I guess we're not doing the class.
Wait a minute, the part you liked was spending time with me? Aw.
Well, I'll always dance with you, sweetie.
Hmm? [GASPING] [STRAINS] Okay, no pressure, but I need to find a new lead in the next 15 minutes.
Preferably a name.
Is Bumblebee Man available? No, he's playing Don Quixote in Man of La Mancha.
Damn it.
Why is this town's theater scene so vibrant? I'm here to audition for the part of Macbeth.
It's not Macbeth.
- Is it Macduff? - Not Macduff.
Well, there's no other parts worth playing! That's it.
We're doomed.
We'll just have a bake sale.
Will you serve haggis? - No.
- I'm out.
[DEEP VOICE]: A pioneer with no fear Shooting deer On the frontier Spotlight that singer.
And the crowds all cheer Jebediah Springfield Found the town right here.
[REGULAR VOICE]: Yes, glavin, it's me, with the Gomer Pyle voice and the unexpectedly good singing.
You've got the part.
[DEEP VOICE]: Thank you.
Save your voice.
[REGULAR VOICE]: All right, then.
[THUNDER ROLLS] Marge, as your producer, I'm gonna inform you of a problem, then blame you if you can't solve it.
[SIGHS] Now what? There's one thing a first-time director cannot control.
Bruce Willis? No, the weather.
Marge, it's going to rain during the show.
How hard? Well, let's just say I hope you liked the movie Waterworld.
Ambitious, eh, but unsatisfying.
You might want to consider canceling.
I don't know much about showbiz, but I know one thing: the show must go on.
Huh? I never heard that before.
Really? Well, tell me to break a leg.
Why would I do that? It's violent and cruel.
Well there's no business like show business.
Nah, nah, now that's not true.
Most show business companies are part of much larger conglomerates.
Just get the hell out.
That I've heard before.
[GRUNTS] Hmm.
Going live.
Break a leg, everyone.
- MAN: What? - MAN 2: Why would you wish that? LENNY: You're mean.
[PIANO PLAYING] Let me tell you about a mystery Of our city's history An out-of-towner was our founder Despite his latent bigotry How did this pioneer domineer Persevere, then die right here? Before the tire fire, a man named Jebediah Made Springfield the new frontier Cue camera three.
Cue Bart.
Whoa.
[DEEP VOICE]: That's right, my name is Jebediah Springfield There is none to whom I yield No king to whom I've kneeled Tonight my secrets are revealed Jebediah Springfield [HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYING] Now, this bear and I are one and the same He gave his life so that I could have fame Jebediah Springfield.
MARGE: Cut to commercial.
That's a cut to commercial, everyone.
John Lithgow? I like to work.
- Oh, uh, line, please? - "Grrr.
" No, you fool, a rescue line.
Mom, what do we do? Improvise.
Lisa, I need a five-minute rap about the cruelty of the sea and the brave souls who rise above it.
No problem.
Can I make sly analogies to today's politics? No.
You'll date it.
The bullets flew like rain As buffalo were slain Who wants to change the channel? Eh, either they're all dead or it's a hit.
Fifty-fifty.
[GASPS] And now I have a raging fever Bitten by a rabid beaver I didn't fight for equal rights I wish I'd done more for non-whites But no more time for Jebediah All that's left to do Is Die-a.
[GROANS IN REGULAR VOICE] [CHEERING] BARNEY: In unison AUDIENCE [CHANTING]: Marge! Marge! Marge! This is the happiest moment [CHOKING] Careers are getting shorter than ever these days.
Marge, we got the highest rating in modern TV history.
A 0.
6! Congratulations.
I did it.
I directed a popular off-Broadway musical.
And I wrote a popular off-Broadway musical.
And I caught an octopus on Main Street.
What a day.
And the winner for Outstanding Lead Performance in a Play or Musical.
Oh, mein Gott! It's Sideshow Mel for The Tempest.
[KRUSTY THE CLOWN SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING] Barbara, you can put the kids to bed now.
Is what I'd like to say, but I'm childless.
"One pie to the groin won't do damage," they said.
They were wrong! 12 nominations, zero awards.
Welcome to Club Snub, Marge.
Feel the bile rising, the bitterness that will never PRESENTER: And a special award for Best Newcomer, Marge Simpson.
- [GASPS] - Damn it!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  Girl's in the Band
The Simpsons s30e19 Episode Script
Girl's in the Band
1 [GRUNTING] [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] [BELCHES] D'oh! [STIRRING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING] - [MUSIC STOPS] - Each year, one graduate receives the prestigious Golden Baton Award for the most impressive future conductor.
But this year, we have two worthy recipients.
- [AUDIENCE GASPING] - Two? That's right.
Gustavo Dudamel and local wunderkind, Mr.
Dewey Largo.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] I'm sure you will each achieve tremendous renown.
No, wait.
I believe that one of you will.
And the other will fail and have a horrible life as a public school music teacher.
[CACKLING MANIACALLY] Oh Dudamel.
Dudamel.
Yo-Yo Ma! Oh, Dewey, my pouty poppet.
You're having that dream again? Oh, it's so cruel that my only triumph has become my recurring nightmare.
Oh, darling, you're cursed with the memory of an elephant.
And the wrinkles to match.
Can't you just wake me with a slice of melon and a drop of affection? Whatever you say, Lord Grumpy of the Morning Breath.
[LAUGHS] Now, Petal, don't forget to call the dog walker.
Tell him to come early.
And easy on the leash.
Oh, it's on my list.
Also, don't forget to call someone about the water bill.
I suspect a sputtering spigot.
You know, you are home all day.
Hence my annoyance.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Pinterest awaits.
[GROANS] - [DOG GRUMBLES] - Oh, shut up, Sir Winston, or there'll be no cigar for you.
[DISCORDANTLY PLAYING MOZART'S "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK"] MAN: Dear Mr.
Largo, I am the musical director of the Capital City Philharmonic.
I've heard you've got talent.
Big talent, major chops, - the goods.
- [EXCLAIMS] [SUSTAINING NOTE] So I'll be attending your concert tomorrow night.
Intriguingly yours, Victor Kleskow.
[SUSTAINING NOTE] P.
S.
I will be bringing an outside beverage.
Large, icy, nonalcoholic.
- [NOTE FADES] - Okay, gang.
Our recital's tomorrow, and we're gonna be ready.
And if you play the way I know you're capable of, you'll never see me again.
[THEME FROM PATTON BY JERRY GOLDSMITH PLAYS] You have hidden talent bubbling inside you, and this baton will pop it right out.
Sherri, more fortissimo.
Terri, more pianissimo.
Milhouse, don't forget to tune your What the heck are you playing? No one really knows.
Well, then, wear it on your head.
Here we go.
I'm gonna do something I've never done as a teacher before: actually try.
One, two, three, four.
[PLAYING "LIEUTENANT KIJÃ SUITE" BY PROKOFIEV] Are you sure we're at the right school? I mean, they sound good.
Oh, my gosh, it's bearable.
[MUSIC SWELLING] [MUSIC STOPS] [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Sir? Did it move you? Skinner, didn't I ask for a buffer chair between you and me at all of these events? Uh-uh.
Buffer.
Brilliant.
How did you manage it? It was good, wasn't it? Let's just say I separated the wheat from the chaff.
I'm in the F hole.
Oh, Salieri, patron saint of losers, runners-up and also-rans, please let this Garfunkel become a Simon, this Pepsi become a Coke, and this ugly duckling conduct Swan Lake.
Hi.
Victor Kleskow.
We're conductors, so don't shake hands; just a friendly wave on the beat of four, three, two and done.
I'm honored, maestro.
Let's cut to the chase.
That was good middle school good.
Tonight, I witnessed a once-in-a-semester talent that I must add to my organization.
- Dewey - Uh-huh.
have to keep talking, or can I meet Lisa Simpson? But-but-but she's a child.
Yes, I'm scouting talent for our youth philharmonic.
Surely, you didn't think I wanted you? [SIGHS] No, no, of course not.
Lisa's right over there.
Red dress, intelligent expression.
Can't miss her.
Mr.
Largo, he picked me.
[GASPS] I'm sorry.
I'm really glad you get to represent us.
It's like a little piece of me is taking a baby practice step.
That is so generous.
Yes, yes, there is an upside to having a broken spirit.
Mr.
Kleskow said my articulation was the best he's ever heard.
He said I sounded like a young Cannonball Adderley.
Ooh, is that the raccoon on Saturday morning cartoons? I'm talking about the famous jazz musician.
I don't know who you're talking about.
The guy I'm thinking of would make himself into a ball and knock over all the crows.
[LAUGHS] Homie, this class is 30 miles each way.
We can do it! I'll practice in the car.
60 miles in the car with Lisa practicing.
I've got a symphony for you.
[TUNE OF BEETHOVEN'S 5TH]: Sucks to be you Sucks to be you, sucks to be you Sucks to be you, sucks to be you.
[MARGE GRUMBLES] We can't afford a babysitter every day.
Bart will have to come along.
And Maggie, too.
Well, I got to ask.
Should we really sacrifice everything for a gifted child? We'll always regret it if we don't.
- Okay.
- I wanted you to argue with me.
Youth orchestra costs $200 a month.
Where's that money gonna come from? Well, I have an idea, but you might not like it.
Remember the show Breaking Bad? About a dad who was desperate for money? Homer, no.
Marge, yes, I can do it.
I can sell my box set.
We haven't even listened to the commentaries.
Okay, not that.
I could always switch to a double shift and work nights at the plant.
Isn't that dangerous to your health? You think I'm in danger? I am the danger.
I'm the one who knocks.
Well, that's so protective.
It's also a quote from Breaking Bad.
[MARGE GROANS] You are really far behind.
[BREAKING BAD THEME PLAYS] [HORNS HONKING] MAN [ON RADIO]: And Jesus said unto the Samaritan woman [ANNOUNCER SPEAKING SPANISH] Good, good.
When the Spanish station overpowers the Christian one, we're getting close to the city.
BART: Why do I have to be here? I specifically didn't get good at anything to avoid drives like this.
If you were me, would you trust you home alone? Hmm.
[HORSE WHINNIES] [CHUCKLES] [INSTRUMENTS TUNING AND WARMING UP] - Who's the new girl? - What does she play? Too small for a tuba.
- Too big for a flute.
- Well, maybe it's her lunch.
- Hi.
I'm Lisa Simpson.
- Shh.
He might hear you.
[COUGHS] - Are you okay? - Don't tell him I'm sick.
The sick are left to die.
[COUGHS, HOCKS, SPITS] Wow, even the violas are tense.
[PLAYING AN INTENSE NOTE] Everyone, say hello to Lisa Simpson.
She's an actual musician, so she will be a strange and wonderful creature to the rest of you.
We'll start with one of the classics.
Theme from Knight Rider, second movement, bar 47.
One, two, three, four.
[PLAYING KNIGHT RIDER THEME] - [MUSIC STOPS] - I may have misspoken.
Miss Simpson, was that an F sharp or a G flat that you played? Well, that's a trick question, because they're the same.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Oh, we have a music scholar in our midst.
You're right, they are the same.
And if only you had played either one of them! [GROANS] Sorry? No, no, no.
It's my fault.
I've been too soft on you, Lisa.
I've been letting you coast for almost two minutes.
That ends now.
Lisa alone, theme from Moonlighting, second movement, andante! [PLAYING MOONLIGHTING THEME] Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
- Bart.
- Bart.
- Just killing time.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- [LISA PANTING] - Lisa.
Lisa, sweetie, are you okay? He yelled at me, humiliated me in front of everyone.
And then I never played better! Aw, so we're doing this every day? - I guess so.
- Oh, man.
I've already got seat cushion butt.
Look.
I sat on a nickel.
You can see the date.
[GASPS] That's a buffalo nickel.
It's really valuable.
Threw it in the gutter.
- Coins are boring.
- [GROANS] [EDVARD GRIEG'S "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING] Hey, welcome to the night shift.
What are you in for? Because I hit the jackpot.
My kid's got a big future with the jazz.
Oh, I hear you, you'll do anything for your kids.
Then they turn on you.
Well, I am through.
Happily estranged.
[RINGING] Is that my kids? Oh, boy.
Steam valve.
It's never them.
It's pretty dark in here.
Can we turn on some more lights? Uh, no.
The company can't afford the power.
Aren't we a power company? Never get high on your own supply.
[BLOWS] [ORCHESTRA QUIETLY PLAYING] Uh, Mom, I think Maggie wants to go home.
Maggie, is that what you want? Let's go home! Let's go home! I'm sorry, is this annoying you? Ma'am, day care is happy to watch your son.
Bart Simpson, well-behaved child.
Please don't Google me.
- In you go! - [BART YELPS] [DOOR LOCKS] Who are you losers, and why am I locked in here with you? We're the siblings.
Our brothers and sisters are the talented ones.
Do you know what it's like being second banana to a third chair? Shut up, Miles.
[HONKS] Hey, I don't belong here.
You're one of us.
ALL [CHANTING]: One of us.
One of us.
- Afterthought.
- Also-ran.
Second string.
GIRL: Unwanted child.
[ALL GROANING] You're pretty well-dressed for a kid.
I'm a parent.
A prize-winning novelist with no musical talent.
All right, first order of business, do we have any chair challenges? Excuse me, what's a chair chall Great, our first volunteer, out for blood.
Lisa versus Brian, winner gets first chair.
- Lisa, how could you? - No, I didn't mean to.
Go, go, go, or I'll call you both Ubers back to Loser Town.
Damn it, surge pricing.
I'll call it in later.
Go! I've heard enough.
Brian, that was perfect for second chair.
Lisa, you have his spot.
- I had a good run.
- No, you didn't.
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Never apologize for talent.
Did Mozart apologize? I don't know.
I wasn't there.
And even if I was, I'd have been pushing a plow.
You think everyone gets to hang out with Mozart? [LISA MOANS] LISA: Whoo-hoo! First chair.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING] - Well, I'm off to the night shift.
- [SNOWBALL II YOWLS] I'll miss you most of all, prime-time TV.
- Dad, do my feelings matter? - Of course they do.
We just don't have as much time for them as usual.
Go ahead, tell me what you're thinking.
- Well, I - I hear you, I understand you, - and I love you.
- But I Just put the rest on my Father's Day card.
Mwah.
I'll see you at breakfast.
[MARGE CRIES] There's nothing worse than being the parent of a kid with promise.
Oh, gosh.
I've been so selfish.
That's right.
The only one who should monopolize this family's time and attention is me, because I could go at any moment.
Unless I keep talking.
Talking, talking, talking.
That's what keeps the grim reaper at bay.
[PHONE VIBRATES] I saw quite a bit of the grim reaper back in the war.
Back then, we called him The Ticket Out of Germany.
But the seating was cramped and the food was lousy.
And that was the start of American Airlines.
MAN [ON RADIO]: Â¿Accidentes? No problema.
TelÃ©fono ocho-ocho-ocho ocho-ocho Maggie, what are you doing? I'll help her, Mom.
Help! Help! I was promised ice cream 50 miles ago.
- [TIRES SCREECH] - [SIGHS] We're here.
- Homie? - [SIGHS] Everything's breakfast all the time.
Eggs.
All I'm eating are eggs.
I think it's turning my skin yellow.
Homie, are we sacrificing our family's happiness for the sake of one member? When Lisa's making millions of dollars playing for the Utah Jazz, it'll be worth it.
The Jazz is a basketball team.
No, it's Oh, my God, what have we done? [JAZZ PLAYING] [TIRES SCREECH] Okay, listen up, you guys want to be in your siblings' shadows your whole life? ALL: Yes.
It's cool in the shadow.
Well, I'm gonna tell you how to get attention.
- Are you sure? - That sounds risky.
I don't know about that.
Here's what you do: misbehave.
Call your dad by his first name.
If it's sticky, spill it.
- Make a shirttail wiener.
- [KIDS LAUGHING] - Yes! - I'll do it! Yeah! Simpson, a word? About your time with this band, I am afraid it's almost up.
Are you kicking me out? I wish.
Ending people's musical careers is why I got into music.
But no, your sin is having a birthday soon.
You have to audition to move up to the next group.
- How old are they? - Nine to 14.
And then what's the group after that? Fame, fortune, an affair with Hans Zimmer.
Well, sir, I'm ready for all but the last one.
You think you're ready? In nine to 14, we play notes you've never heard of.
M-flat, J-sharp, V, cursive G, Frank, Frank Natural.
And those are just the ones you can hear.
I know you're playing mental games with me, and I take it as flattery.
Smart.
Always smart.
Well, this isn't a game! It'll cost your parents more money, and it's a half hour farther from everywhere.
Oh, well, I guess I better talk to my family, then, and tell them the, uh the good news.
Auditions are Tuesday.
I sense you're conflicted.
I was conflicted once.
Band leader or prison guard? I chose the one where I could be more cruel.
[BIRD CAWING] So tired and irritable.
Shut up.
You shut up.
["MIDNIGHT, THE STARS AND YOU" PLAYING] The usual, sir? Thank you, Lloyd.
And let me say, no one enables a descent into madness better than you.
I understand the family's getting to be a bit of a problem.
Yeah, but what are you gonna do? I hear radiation poisoning is a painless way to go.
Maybe sprinkle a little plutonium in the salad.
- I don't eat salad.
- Exactly.
[CHUCKLES] I see.
[LAUGHS] - No, I don't.
- Kill your family.
- How do I do that? - With the plutonium.
- Well, where do I put it? - In the salad.
- To what end? - To kill your family! Just what are you driving at? ["MIDNIGHT, THE STARS AND YOU" PLAYING] Simpson, what the hell are you doing? Get back to your post.
Geez, I nearly went insane just to put my kid in an after-school music class.
I'm beginning to think it's not worth it.
- Please, don't fire me.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, don't worry.
What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
I'm just gonna bash your brains in.
[CHUCKLES] There's our head of human resources now.
Well, this is it.
If she makes it, it's five more years at least of driving.
I gave Maggie a Sketch 'n' Etch to calm her down.
HOMER: Oh, my God, she has talent, too.
- What are you looking at? - Uh, nothing.
Make something else.
LISA: I'm doing it.
I'm gonna make it.
Oh, but if I keep being this good, it'll mean more practice and more driving and more resentful looks from the baby.
Wonder what I'm gonna do.
Ugh, I hate defining moments.
[PLAYS OFF-KEY] Stop! That's it, you failed.
Have fun playing for nickels on the street at the corner of Good But Not Great and Disappointment Boulevard.
You don't exist for me anymore.
You're pretty mean for a teacher.
Yeah.
You should see me as a father.
So, guess this is the last time we're doing this drive.
Lisa, are you okay? Sure.
Fine.
Never been better.
Hmm.
You weren't crazy enough to fail on purpose just to make life better for the rest of us? I'm fine.
Probably, if I'd gotten it, all that work would have killed my love for music.
Or I think you would have gotten better and loved it more.
[BOTH GRUNT] I know I loved that.
And I love that I drove you to violence.
- [GRUNTS] - [BOTH LAUGH] Don't make me come back there! You wouldn't fit, fatso.
Oh, wouldn't I? - [HOMER GRUNTING] - [MARGE GASPS] [BOTH LAUGH] [LAUGHS] Maggie, are we good? Oh, wow.
Why does this car always smell of cheese puffs? Is someone sad-snacking when he drives alone? It's not like I have anyone making me breakfast.
But we're almost home, so close your eyes.
There's a big surprise.
- Come on, close them.
- This is silly.
Close them! Oh, Petal.
Surprise.
[GASPS] A man, for me? No.
I changed the locks, and I'm kicking you out.
But-but who gets Sir Winston? His name is Poochini.
Very well.
Poochini it is.
[LARGO GASPS] That's all I ever wanted.
I love you.
Springfield! Springfield!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy
The Simpsons s30e18 Episode Script
Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy
1 I love a good panel.
Krusty clearly hates being there, but he still gets super mad when anyone but him talks.
Please welcome the legendary stars of the Krusty the Clown Show.
[CHEERING] Hey-hey! And a non-writing producer.
Ooh, non-writing.
Hey-hey, kids! ALL: Hey-hey, Krusty! Have we got a great panel planned for you today.
What is it, Howard, the usual crap? Oh, yeah, that'll kill some time.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS] [GRUNTING] Kids, call the police! This isn't a sketch! [GROANS] Ah.
My legs! Stick to the script.
[STRAINING]: Ladies and gentlemen, Miami Sound Machine.
Come on, shake Where do you come up with your ideas? I'm a genius.
Next.
- Are there any plans - BOTH: For another Krusty movie? We're waiting for a story that needs to be told.
Once we see that, we'll copy it and call it a parody.
Oy.
Does anyone have a question that hasn't been asked a thousand times? I have the worst fans in the world.
Now we've got a big surprise for the best fans in the world! We're making some big changes to your favorite cartoon.
- [AUDIENCE GASPS] - MAN: It's different.
It's an all-female reboot of Itchy & Scratchy! BOTH: Oh, my God! Pretty enlightened, eh, kids? We here at the Krusty Show really care about gender diversity.
Ask anyone: our lawyers, our attorneys, anyone.
A girl Itchy & Scratchy? No, no, no, this can't be.
They've ruined my childhood.
Your childhood is currently happening.
That's how I know.
It doesn't make any sense.
In real life, Itchy and Scratchy are dudes.
Girl mice don't have the upper body strength to wield a chain saw.
Is truth dead? BOYS: Boo! Ah, you boys are leaving me for video games anyway.
Zap, zap, zap, you'll all die alone.
Girl power is where it's at.
That movie where Superman was a chick made a megillah of shekels.
Am I right, ladies? [GIRLS CHEERING] See? Girls like my pandering.
Remember this if there's ever a gender war.
Oh, this is the worst change Krusty's ever made to the show, even worse than Sideshow Leonard Cohen.
When girl Itchy & Scratchy comes on, we should totally hate-watch it.
No, everybody come over to my house, and we'll turn off the TV the second that girl cartoon comes on.
We'll hate-not-watch it.
Yeah! Hate-not-watch! Yeah, that won't not show 'em.
I never really thought about Itchy and Scratchy as male or female, but it is cool that they're girls now.
I always thought they were a married couple, and that's why they fought so much.
Mom, they're different species.
I don't know what to be liberal about anymore.
I am so pumped to hate-not-watch Itchy & Scratchy.
I've not popped the popcorn, the lights are not turned down.
Perfect.
Listen, son, I'm proud that you're starting to hate things, but take it slow.
If you use up all your hate when you're young, one day you'll be an old man who likes things that suck.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Tonight, cabbage.
It is a lovely shade of gray, and just look at the wrinklin.
All I'm saying is, if they ever make a female Mr.
Magoo, I will lose it, I will just lose it! KRUSTY [ON TV]: Hey-hey, kids! It's time to tickle your funny bones and your Equal Employment Opportunity Commission bones by presenting the all-new, all-female Itchy & Scratchy! Now to sit in silence till it's over.
Blindfolds on, gentlemen.
This is Lisa Simpson, recording my reaction to this historic moment in cartoon women's history.
SINGERS: They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite, bite, bite, bite KRUSTY: Now they're girls SINGERS: The Itchy & Scratchy KRUSTY: Girls! May I? I got my ticket for the long way 'round Two bottle o' whiskey for the way [IN DISTANCE]: And I sure would like Some sweet company And I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say? - [LAUGHING] - When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone [LAUGHING] You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me Ha-ha! I knew you couldn't resist watching.
And guess what, you laughed! It was funny.
I-I wasn't laughing.
I-I was crying a-and burping! And open.
We did it.
We prejudged something without giving it a chance.
I am so proud of us.
Like Bart Simpson would ever watch a girl Itchy & Scratchy.
Never gonna happen.
- [GRUNTING] - Yeah.
That little liar.
If only people could know that Bart laughed even harder than I did [GASPS] All right, you soda-squirting hypocrite, I know exactly what to do with this video.
TOSHUA JOSH [ON TV]: Welcome to Josh.
0, the show for people who want to look at the Internet but don't have a computer or a phone.
You know what bugs me about old guys at the gym? They always forget to wipe down the machine.
[LAUGHING]: He means the blood.
Now, this boy says he hates all-girl Itchy & Scratchy, but then this happened [LAUGHING] Bart, you got to see this! Some old guy at a gym got hit by a boat! Also, now everyone knows you're the world's biggest hypocrite.
[LAUGHING] [LAUGHING]: You said you weren't gonna watch it, and then you did and you loved it! Then you got busted and I called you in here and laughed at you! And I'm still doing it! Look at you.
What a jerk.
[BART GROANS] Well, Bart, how does it feel to be trolled, memed, giffed, and, dare I say, pwned? How do you know those words? I read about them in Parade magazine.
Big deal, I was exposed as a liar on the Internet.
I've got so much cred built up, nothing can take me down.
You betrayed us, Bart.
And worse, you betrayed your own wang.
You know what? Yes, I laughed at a cartoon.
Why? Because it was funny.
So what if Itchy and Scratchy are girls? I laughed, and you can't take back the laugh.
Girls aren't funny.
They're hot or moms.
Or both.
Girls stole Itchy and Scratchy.
What are they gonna take next, our body spray? Our puka shell necklaces? - Yeah! - Lame! Girls get everything: bigger, softer baseballs, chick flicks, two-piece bathing suits, and on House Hunters International, they always choose the house that she wants.
He's right.
The wife gets the beach view, but it's always a longer commute for the husband.
- You know, you're right.
- Oh, yeah.
You guys see what's happening? You're listening to Milhouse! So? Maybe we are.
MILHOUSE: They are listening to me.
The next thing I say must be perfectly chosen to show I am worthy of leadership.
Get him! [SHOUTING] [PANTING] [GROANS] [GROANS] - [BOYS GROWLING] - [BART GASPS] [HISSING] [GASPS] Sixth graders.
Tweens.
What are you doing in the girl's room, Seat Soaker? No, no, I didn't mean to come in here.
I need sanctuary.
Hey, you guys have a candy machine? No fair.
Spin him till he barfs.
Ah! I'm full of hummus and milk! [GROANING] Pink spray paint? Give that back.
That's for Skinner's office.
You tell anyone about this, you're canceled.
Charlie Rose canceled.
No, no, no, you can trust me.
I'm not just any fourth grader.
Whoa, this dude's El Barto.
Huh, I always thought it was that fifth grader, Eloise Barto.
Yeah, sometimes I get her e-mail.
You know, if you fill up a leaf blower with paint, you can coat Skinner's whole office.
- Duh.
- Double duh.
Where are we gonna get a leaf blower? Willie's shack.
[SOUND OF BAGPIPES PLAYING] Whoa, homemade prank masks.
The knit is on.
This'll teach Skinner to ban sandals.
Oh, he will not silence our toes.
Hurry, Skinner's almost back from his lunchtime dog-walking job.
[HUMMING] [DOOR OPENS] I will not negotiate with terrorists.
I'll just give in.
Sandals unbanned.
Ladies, that was smooth, Barbie smooth.
So smooth.
Hey, why are you still here, truck-nuts? Whoa, is this your hideout? It's the old Home Ec classroom, where they would brainwash girls into being good little housewives, but now it's our war room.
Also, we cook here, we do a little bit of sewing.
Stop telling him things! Cooties be damned, you girls are badass and your pranks are next level.
Take a seat and learn something.
We don't do "pranks," we drop awareness bombs.
Our protest crew is called Bossy Riot.
We're pushing back against the pushback, starting with this school.
Look at this his-tory book.
BART: Cool shades.
That is textbook textbook shredding.
Now do you see what we're doing here? I think I do.
You're sticking it to the man, but this time, the man is men.
Look, you got to let me join your gang.
You know, if we're really serious about gender equality, it's only right that a boy be our servant.
Okay, No-varies, you're in, if you pass this test Steal Skinner's cell phone.
Work or personal? - CHALMERS: Skinner! - AGNES: Seymour! Welcome to girlhood.
Gentlemen, our way of life - is under attack.
- Hear, hear! Society is trying to erase boys.
They give us drugs that make us do girly things, like pay attention.
They're putting drugs in our medication? We need to band together.
Like a sorority, but for dudes.
I give you the Boys Rights Association.
- BOYS: BRA! - B-R-A.
- Right now, we're just training BRAs.
- Mm-hmm.
But soon, we'll be the strongest, most supportive BRAs anyone has ever seen.
[CHANTING]: We are BRAs! We are BRAs! Our son has one, two [GASPS] eight friends.
They're more than just friends, he's-he's the leader.
[EXHALES] I'm feeling this wave of relief, not worrying about my son's social life.
I can stop being a mother and start being a a woman.
[EXHALES] Say it.
Say it again.
Our son has friends.
Old folks say "You poor little fool" Down the streets, I'm the girl next door I'm the fox you've been waiting for Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Hello, world, I'm your wild girl I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Stone Age love and strange sounds, too This is why I sit.
Bad nights causing teenage blues Get down, ladies, you've got nothing to lose Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb BROCKMAN: Springfield, a town living in fear, as masked pranksters calling themselves "Bossy Riot," spread their terrifying message of female empowerment.
The latest victim of this "gal Qaeda," our once-proud symbol of the portly pastry-purveying patriarchy.
HOMER: "Lard Lady"? But a donut is the ultimate symbol of masculinity.
The only lead police have as to the identity of Bossy Riot is this security camera footage.
[HOMER LAUGHS] HOMER: Moe and his bats.
Bossy Riot is so cool.
We need fearless female activists to fight back against misogyny and man-spreading.
Well, whoever they are, they are the coolest badasses this town has ever seen, whoever they are.
Ooh, Bart winked at me.
I must be in on a joke.
[CHUCKLES] - [BART HUMMING] - Hmm - [SCREAMS] - Bart, are you in Bossy Riot? - No way.
- Ah, good.
Because if you were fighting for women's rights, it would destroy my entire vision of the universe.
- Actually, I totally am.
- [SHOUTS] You can't be an activist for women's rights.
You don't know anything about the feminist cause.
Sure I do.
Chicks get a raw deal.
I'm a little fuzzy on the deets, but take my word for it.
[GROANS] It's all about the deets.
You're not a girl.
You just want to spray-paint the world and watch it drip.
You've never been called shrill just because you speak up.
And-and girls' clothing has no pockets, while yours are lousy with pockets! This is good stuff, I got to write it down.
[BART HUMMING] This is someone else's war, and you, y-you're just a mercenary.
Mercenaries are cool, like Boba Fett.
Oh, yeah, Boba Fett, great character.
Boba Fett's badass.
He wears a jetpack and a cape.
Pick a lane, weirdo.
Why does every discussion about feminism turn into an argument about Star Wars? If Boba Fett's such a great bounty hunter, why is his armor all banged up? [SIGHS] It's a look, like distressed denim.
You shouldn't be part of a protest if you don't care about the cause.
Well, you care.
Why don't you come with? Maybe I will.
Great.
Bring black gloves and no ID.
You've been Tasered before, right? It only hurts until you pass out.
I'm excited; I want to, I do, but there's a part of me that's scared, and that part is my body and my head.
It's okay, I get it.
There's nothing wrong with being all talk.
Us feminists need cheerleaders, too.
[GROANS] So, what's up, my fellow Ruthless Bader Ginsburgs? What's on the a-gender for the evening? Your friends in the so-called "Boys Rights Association" have been protesting The Krusty Show.
I told you not to light the toys yet.
I didn't, they just burst into flames.
Krusty caved.
He said he'd never show another all-girl Itchy & Scratchy ever again.
So we're gonna destroy the master tapes of every Itchy & Scratchy.
Wait, what? No.
I love those cartoons.
I can't let you do it.
Oh, you can't "let" us? Don't have a lady cow.
All cows are ladies.
That thing you said about me being all talk? Well, I have prepared two comebacks, and I will now give you both.
Those girls are gonna destroy every Itchy & Scratchy, forever! [GRUNTING] Hey, hey, boys and boys! Well, congratulations, I'm never gonna air the girl Itchy & Scratchy again.
You hit me where it hurts the most: right in the sponsors.
Buy 'em all.
[GASPS] We're too late.
They're going to destroy the tapes on live TV.
Let's get him out of those bras and go.
Uh, no, you can leave me like this.
I'm good.
We are Bossy Riot, and we're gonna drop all the original Itchy & Scratchys into a pool of nail polish remover.
[ALL GASPING] That's crazy.
We have those backed up a thousand times.
Right, Howard? What do you do?! Don't do it.
Those shows are funny.
Mice killing cats, guts everywhere.
It doesn't matter if it's boy guts or girl guts.
Guts are guts.
See, the thing about comedy is Bart, stop mansplaining! No, no, no, no, if I keep talking, they'll get it eventually.
[GRUNTS] The fumes are burning my eyes.
[ALL CRYING] Look, they're crying, on live TV.
Glitterize their tears.
Mama! Don't worry, sir, your brothers are united in blaming this on you.
[SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT] [GROANS] Hey, hey! Come back here! You there, sweet innocent girls, did you see three crazed man-haters run through here? Gee, Officer, they went that way.
Thanks, princess.
Thank you.
Wait a second.
Do any of you babysit? Great.
Be at my house Saturday at 7:00.
And if Ralph asks you to give him a bath, do not give him a bath.
So I guess I'm not in the group anymore.
You were never in the group.
We just kept you around for fingerprints and DNA.
But making those boys cry was hardcore.
You, uh, ever think about wearing the yarn? Me? Join you? Can I do it? Can I push my beliefs further than they've ever gone? - Well, let us know.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Mask me.
["EXTREME WAYS" BY MOBY PLAYING] So spill it, Simpson.
You were on the inside.
What's the deal with girls? Well, check this out: they also burp.
No way.
From where? Is that even allowed? Let's see, what else? They're always telling each other they're pretty, their bathroom candy tastes really weird, but there's one thing that really crushed me.
I almost don't want to say it out loud.
They don't envy us.
- - Oh [GASPS] [SIGHS] [MILHOUSE SOBS QUIETLY]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  I Want You (She's So Heavy)
The Simpsons s30e16 Episode Script
I Want You (She's So Heavy)
1 [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BELCHES] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [APPLAUSE] [STAMMERS]: You sit on me.
There's a remote in my crack.
Uh, Problems I Have! I could use a slip cover.
Um, uh, Things Your Sister Would Say! No.
Uh [GASPS] You haven't replaced me since 1989.
Things a Couch Would Say! - Yes! - [BELL DINGING] Hopefully, we won't be out too late, Shauna.
[VALLEY GIRL ACCENT]: Whatever.
And just for the night, could you lose the tongue ring? Whatever.
Homer, is it too late to change babysitters? Yes.
So I'll have to stay home.
I don't think we have to Homer.
Yes, Marge?! We both have to go to Drug Awareness Night! [SIGHS] I guess we have no choice.
Here's the number for the poison control center, the allergy hotline, and, if the kids misbehave, Papa John's Pizza.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Simpson.
We'll take great care of your kids.
"We"? Uh, me and God.
Okay, then.
We'll see you soon.
[MOANING] Want to watch videos of pythons swallowing stuff? Uh, can't we watch something with kittens? Oh, there's kittens in there.
[KITTEN MEOWS] This is pointless.
We learned all the new dangerous drugs last year: sprack, zup, borzo, and crystal bam.
I hear they're mixing bam with zup.
Interesting.
Bam and zup.
[CHUCKLES] This seminar's already paying for itself.
Homer Simpson, are you watching football through your pants pocket? But do you know how much love is lost between these teams? None! Turn it off! This bag of concentrated death is what the kids today call "blizzard.
" Allow me to demonstrate.
On Skin-ner! Superintendent, I-I must protest.
I'm an educational professional who - [GRUNTING] - That's a good boy.
Take your medicine.
[INHALES, SIGHS] Oh, let's get out of here.
I guess we can watch the PowerPoint presentation in bed tonight.
Oh, that sounds magical.
[QUIETLY]: Just don't be conspicuous.
[PHONE RINGING] Ooh, it's Lenny.
Homer, I found my birth mom! Her name is Cheryl, and she wants nothing to do with [MARGE GROANS] [GASPS] A wedding expo! Marge, there is no way I'd ever be interested in Is there a girl in that cake? No, just cake.
Oh that is so sexy.
After you, Marge.
Ooh, a wedding expo! It's like going to a thousand weddings at once.
Sneaking in will be the most romantic thing we've ever done.
More than our real wedding? A thousand times more.
I was pregnant, and you had a fever of 103.
103.
4.
Aw, you remembered.
["ALLEGRO NON MOLTO" FROM VIVALDI'S FOUR SEASONS PLAYING] [SNIFFLES] It's so beautiful.
[SNIFFLES] Oh.
Even the prenups are gorgeous.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING] Your bride will look radiant next to these hideous bridesmaids dresses made in colors known to scare seagulls.
Oh, so beautiful! Come back here, you.
You've got 12 more drugs to test.
I both see and am God.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] Who will protect me when you die? Nothing's gonna happen to [GRUNTS] Does this house have a mixer? We could make face cookies.
[CHUCKLES] Aw! You're gonna make such a good dad.
[MOANING] [GROANS] I feel like a walk.
You want to take a walk? I feel glued to my seat for reasons I don't understand.
It's all over, sweetheart.
The curse is broken.
Grandma will take care of you from now o - [GROANS] - [BUZZING] Ah! Come on! [SHAUNA GIGGLING] JIMBO: Let's see if we can both fit in Homer's underwear.
This is very sobering.
Why did we think this would be cool? What are you kids doing out so late? Babysitter party at our house.
Why don't you come inside for a mug of cocoa? - [DING] - Coco-nut, that is, to fill your belly with much-needed potassium.
[CHUCKLES]: Grins, people.
Thanks.
Potassi-yum.
This was a great idea.
It's like all the fun of a wedding without the boredom of a wedding! And who are you two? Um, why, we're wedding planners! Yes, and we're wondering about your products.
[GIGGLES] For our clients.
Well, the Toast Master is an AI-powered microphone that guarantees your best man's toast will be heartwarming and tasteful, no matter how drunk or passive-aggressive he is.
Ooh.
Give it a try, Homie.
Oh, I couldn't.
Pretend one of my sisters is getting married.
That hairy-legged ashtray? Give me the mic.
When I heard a guy was marrying Selma, - I thought, That poor - MALE VOICE: Genius.
- must be - Fully sighted.
- and - Not marrying her to harvest her organs.
[LAUGHS] Thank God.
The Heffernans.
Oh, right.
That's me.
D.
R.
Heffernan.
- [QUIETLY]: That's "Doctor.
" - Right.
Dr.
D.
R.
Heffernan.
The keynote speech is in two minutes.
- What's a keynote speech? - [CHUCKLES] Imagine Dr.
Heffernan asking me what a keynote speech is.
This way.
Finally, things are looking up for the person I'm pretending to be.
[LAUGHTER] And the number one new wedding trend is True love! AUDIENCE: True love! True love! Buy our book if we have one.
I'm starting to think that's not Dr.
Heffernan.
[MOANING] [CHUCKLES] What a [MOANS] perfect night.
You wait here while I go [SEDUCTIVELY]: pay the babysitter.
- [LAUGHTER] - [LOUD MUSIC PLAYING] I'm not paying you! Get out of my house! - Later.
- And now, my lady, to the boudoir, which I believe is somewhere near the bedroom.
[CHUCKLES]: Ooh! Ooh! [GRUNTS] Have I picked you up yet? I can't te Oh! [STRAINED]: You're so light! [GRUNTING] - Ow! - [INHALES DEEPLY] [STRAINED]: Perfect end to perfect night! Voulez-vous coucher avec - [CRACKING, POPPING] - [SCREAMS] [GRUNTING] - What the?! [SHOUTING] - Ow! [BOTH GROANING] I guess we should stop listening now.
No one's making you stay.
Marge, I'm afraid your days of walking are over.
Oh, my God! For about 36 hours.
By then, this mild ankle sprain should be good as new.
It's my fault.
Homie wouldn't have dropped me if I hadn't put on a few pounds.
Nonsense.
It's not your fault you're married to a this.
[MOANS] And it was such a good date night.
Well, now it's a hernia morning.
See, you've got a tear in your abdominal wall and a section of your intestine has pushed through.
Aren't you going to chuckle? An inguinal hernia is no laughing matter.
[CHUCKLES] "Inguinal.
" Will I need surgery? Possibly.
But don't be alarmed.
It's just some scalpel work around your scrotum.
[GROANS] - [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - A little more.
- [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - Little more.
- [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - Little more No, those are the wipers! Oh, you just called OnStar.
Now, look, you two, you're not kids anymore.
Listen to your body.
It'll tell you what to do.
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] WOMAN: OnStar operator.
What is your emergency? Every comedian I thought is funny is dead.
The Itchy and Scratchy Show! Hmm.
"Possible side effects may include hallucinations" [ANGRILY]: mm, "irritability, inability to fo cus.
" Blah, blah, blah.
"Do not mix with alcohol"? Fine, I'll drink it separately.
Boy, get me a beer.
- [BART HUMMING] - [GRUNTING] - Huh? What are you doing? - [CHUCKLES] Helping you get better.
I was watching Animal Planet, and they said, if it can't reach its own food, the hippo dies.
Why, you little! [CHUCKLES] Bart, honey, your father and I need you to be a little more grown-up.
Can you do that? I bet you can.
You got it, Mom.
[HUMMING] Honey, I signed us up for physical therapy this afternoon.
They sound terrific.
Even booking the appointment, they told me, "Great job.
" Absolutely.
I want to get better.
I really do.
I know you do.
We'll start tomorrow.
Mwah.
MALE VOICE: I would caution against physical therapy.
Guys like us don't look good in shorts.
Oh, why is it never hair growth? It's me, your hernia.
Homer, your doctor told you to listen to your body.
And I am telling you, just take it easy.
Are you sure? I just promised Marge.
Take it from your hernia.
[GIGGLES] [MARGE GRUNTING] [NEW ZEALAND ACCENT]: Oh, you've got this, Marge! Now, focus on your co-ah.
I guess I've been neglecting my key-aah.
Is it this? No.
All I can say is, if you have a muscle and you know what it does, then that is not the co-ah.
Oh, the core.
Right, that's what I said co-ah.
Now, what sports are we gettin' you ready for, Marge? Rollerblading? Uh, Muay Thai? No, nothing like that.
I only have to be in good enough shape to take care of an immobile 240-pound man.
Ah, so Homer isn't coming, eh? You know, I could go to him at work.
Oh, he's got enough stress at work.
All right, well, we'll get you into something.
Uh, mountain biking? Free bouldering? I got it.
Marge, we are going to get you kitesurfing! Kitesurfing? I could do that with Homie.
[ALARM BLARES] You know what? I'm not letting Homer drag me down this time.
Yes, I want to learn kitesurfing.
Let's go kitesurfing now Middle-aged ladies learning how Come on Kitesurf-ari with me Kitesurfing's a simple sport.
All you need is the wind and the waves.
And a spreader-bar, bindings, impact vest, chicken loop, donkey stick, squirrel clip, and, of course, parking pass.
Yeah, ruining people's day at the beach.
We are worse than sand in a hot dog, eh, Lou? You know there's a double murder downtown? Well, now it's a triple, 'cause you just killed my day.
Keep the kite swooping, Marge.
Follow the timing of my pecs.
Left, right, left, right, left, left, right Ah.
Don't look me in the eyes, Marge.
My pecs are down here.
There you are.
Left, right, left, left, right So, Mom is kitesurfing while Dad is eating three desserts.
Oh, your grandma and I had our differences, but we stopped arguing when she disappeared for three decades.
Oh.
Oh, it's so nice to get an evening out just with you.
Can I get you a baby chair? No? You're good? Homer's-a talking to nobody.
The Cat Lady is eating with cats.
Ralph is in-a the lobster tank? I'm expensive.
Homer, you're doing great.
Look at those guys eating half portions, trying to stay fit.
They're just setting themselves up to meet my buddies Torn ACL and Pinched Nerve.
Now, you, you're smart.
The most strenuous thing you're gonna do is fart "The Star Spangled Banner.
" Mm, that's got a difficult range.
Is there an easier anthem? Hey, the riskiest thing we're gonna do is have lasagna.
We just had lasagna.
Have it again! Nobody's gonna stop you.
I love you.
Who are you? Cirrhosis.
What's it to ya? Homer, I'm going to the beach.
I packed lunch for two if you want to come.
Oh, the beach.
Sure.
Let's get sunstroke, a hyperextended tendon, and wrap it up by getting decapitated by a Frisbee.
Hard pass.
Sorry, Marge.
Hard pass.
[SIGHS] It's been so long since you made a move on me.
Or any move.
Um, how about if I drone you a kiss? [KISS] [HORN HONKS] Hurry up, Marge.
We're gonna catch big air all morning, sleep all afternoon, then boil a sheep for breakfast.
I'm still on New Zealand time.
Been here 12 years but can't shake it.
Please, Homer, you're my husband.
Get up and live.
Sorry, Marge.
I got to go with my gut.
- [YAWNS] - [BLOWS RASPBERRY] If you don't come after me, there's a big problem.
The drone doesn't count.
Hey.
Can you watch the kids this afternoon? Sorry, Marge.
Hernia.
We make quite a team.
Who are you talking to? Hey, I do not have voices in my head.
[QUIETLY]: They're in my crotch.
- [GIGGLES] - Ooh! Just call my sisters to watch the kids.
[SNORING] Let's drop him in the woods and see if he can find his way back.
Our parents are drifting apart.
And as much as I don't enjoy doing this, I need the advice of the only couple we know that seems to like each other.
I'm stuck with you.
Relationships are simple, really.
Like, if Shauna's best friend Tiffany comes on to me, I make out with Shauna, but I pretend it's her friend.
Aw.
[MOANING] Tiffany.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.
Let's focus! Focus.
Please give me something useful.
Okay.
Your parents have just got to find something they both like doing.
Like, I like laughing at losers.
And I make losers happen.
- [GRUNTS] - [LAUGHING] [MOANING] [GASPS] Common interests! Of course.
TV ANNOUNCER: Back now to live coverage of Little XII college golf on ESPN-D3-2, your second home for Division III sports.
Dad, can you drive us down to the beach? I have a school project on sea turtles.
Don't listen to them.
You can see me?! It's always the babies.
Hey.
Where are the turtles? There are no turtles, Homer.
It's a trick.
These kids are trying to help you, 'cause they love you.
So there never were turtles? No turtles! I'm starting to think there were no turtles.
[GASPS] Marge.
She looks so beautiful.
I've been such a fool.
And you forgot to get a parking pass.
Heh.
Our work is done, Lou.
[SHUDDERS]: Oh I'll never let myself go like that! I'm-a comin', Marge! Ew! Gross! Homer, you're making me mad.
And if there's one thing you don't want to aggravate, it's a hernia! I'm Marge's husband, Homer.
Homer! Good-o! Would you like me to rehab you at work? I could come right to you.
Same price.
Maybe.
But now I need your biggest, fastest kite.
- The Widdamaka? - What? Can you say that without an accent? - [WITHOUT ACCENT]: The Widowmaker.
- Oh! That's scary! - Back to the accent! - The Widdamaka.
I'll take it! When I got married, I took a vow: "Something, something, something till death something.
" [YELPS] Homer! Rooster your gimbal! Rooster your gimbal! What does that mean?! Pull the rope! The other rope.
Homie! You came for me! And I'll never leave you.
Except right now when the wind blows me [FADING]: God knows where.
They're headed for a wind farm! [BOTH GASP] BOTH: Whoa! [KISS] Whoa! [KISS] Whoa! [NEW ENGLAND ACCENT]: Well, Mother, looks like we caught a couple more kiteboarders.
- I'll get the big ladder.
- I'll tell the hospital their power's gonna be down for a while.
Strong woman, I love you.
[EXHALES] And I love you.
And never again will I listen to a doctor.
Wait, that's not the takeaway.
Takeaway? That's a good idea! Yello? Pizza Palace? Can I get a Henry the Eight-Inch Pizza with extra meat? And a side of chocolate cheesy bread? No such thing.
- Can you make it anyways? - [GROANS] Chief, I've got to make dinner for my kids.
Could you please - tell me what this is about? - Like most physical therapists in America, this man is actually a Russian spy.
Nigel is a spy? Dimitri Nigelovonovitch.
Did you ever wonder why he was so interested in seeing your husband at work? I thought it was close to his house.
Didn't you ever ask yourself how a beach bum like him could afford a top-of-the-line 2007 Saturn SUV with a full spare tire? I guess I didn't want to know.
Just thank God, thank God your husband is entrapping him now.
Homer, I just need a few pictures of the co-ah.
- The what? - Goo-ah.
- The car? - Goo-ah.
Like a crow? Caw? Co-ahr-car? [RUSSIAN ACCENT]: Damn it.
Show me your reactor core.
All units, move in! ["THEME FROM MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE" PLAYING]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  101 Mitigations
The Simpsons s30e15 Episode Script
101 Mitigations
1 [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] Refill! HOMER: Kids, is there anything better than when a restaurant misprints a coupon? - [SNAPS FINGERS] - And with the money we saved, your mom is getting a Swedish massage.
[EXHALES] All the tension's going [IN PATTY'S VOICE]: out of my body.
[GUTTURAL MOANS] Now let's take one deep breath of this classy place before we go back to our lousy car.
- [ALL INHALING] - [FRENCH ACCENT]: Excuse me, that air is the property of this restaurant.
Fine, I'll give it back.
[BELCHES LOUDLY] [LAUGHTER] - Good one.
- [BELCHES] - [BELCHES] - Memory book.
Okay, kids.
I admit we hustled the restaurant there, but that's it.
I don't want you to think this is the way you get ahead in life.
Do not take advantage of someone else's mistakes.
- Your car, sir.
- But that's not [HEAVENLY CHORUS] You see that, kids? It's the kind of car they don't make anymore.
Windshield that breaks into a thousand glass razor blades.
Your lap is the cup holder.
Vinyl seats that can melt your ass.
God, do I want to drive it.
[SHUDDERS]: Oh so useless.
This is the car I've always wanted.
You'll never have a car this nice.
You'll never have a girlfriend this cute.
That's right! And you'll never have exhaust this toxic.
[TIRES SCREECH] Oh, I need this.
I've always needed this.
Get in, kids, get in.
Dad, what were you just telling us? This is morally wr Whee! Pull every knob.
Press all the buttons.
Find out what things do.
[GRUNTING] Don't you "chitty chitty bang bang" me! - [GRUNTING] - ["CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG" PLAYING] Ooh, what's this crank for? Duh, rolling down the window.
Hmm.
How do I put on the air conditioning? Uh, you're doing it.
Aw, cool.
An ashtray.
[GASPS] A full ashtray! Uh-uh-uh! Bad, bad, bad! Ah, smooth.
Bad, bad.
[SMALL CAR HONKS] [HONKS] Now, to tie them in a bow.
[GRUNTS] My husband he's doing something incredibly stupid.
Look at this beautiful color.
Seafoam.
This is what cars used to look like.
And what the sea used to look like.
- [TIRES SCREECH] - LISA AND BART: Whee! Whoa! Put this on the list of things we don't tell your mother.
Including the fact there is a list.
LISA: Aw, it's over.
Now, to teach you kids a life lesson.
Moments of pure joy always have consequences.
We already knew that.
Yeah.
Why do you think we exist? Quick! Put on your innocent faces.
Innocenter innocenter.
Uh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm sorry, you gave me the wrong car.
The moment I realized, I brought it back immediately.
You stole my car.
My precious 1957 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz convertible in the original seafoam, with the illegal brodie knob.
Oh, God.
Tell me right now you did not touch my brodie knob.
Absolutely not.
This is the brodie knob.
Oh.
I was all over that thing.
You're in big trouble.
They're gonna charge you with grand theft auto.
A lousy game but a magnificent law.
Listen, I'm sorry.
Really sorry.
I just wanted to give my kids a ride, show them the house I was born in, show them the house I'm gonna die in, then drive through a cornfield for kicks.
Whoo-hoo! I gave you the USS Enterprise, and you returned with the Orville! I am so sorry.
You're absolutely right.
I'll get it fixed by a pro.
I'll get you a license plate frame saying "My other car is a" insert dumb movie reference.
Tron Legacy Light-Cycle.
Well, okay.
I suppose I could allow you to oh, God! No! My mint condition copy of Radioactive Man number one! [GRUNTS] This was the comic I always wanted most since I was an athletic, popular child.
Look, you're a nice guy.
When have you ever seen me be a nice guy?! I am pressing charges! Is this yours? Yes.
Simpson, get on the bike.
Put your arms around me.
Now, head on my shoulder.
Yeah aw, that's nice.
And don't lean the same way I do [CHUCKLES]: or we're both dead.
Uh, by the way, you're under arrest.
Uh, doesn't the law say I need a helmet, too? Another law you're breaking.
Why are you riding a motorcycle? It's not for fun! I got arrested! That's worse! Your Honor, I'm scared.
Okay, I screwed up.
If you'll permit, may I read a speech in my defense? Did your daughter write it? Absolutely not.
Sir, if an opportunity came along to give your kids a memory they'll never forget, wouldn't you hop in the driver's seat? A golden day with their dad.
What could be more innocent? All I know is that as that gas gauge read empty, our hearts were full.
Full of love.
Love of what our country does BEST: build cars 60 years ago! [SNIFFLING] I'm a judge.
But I'm also a father.
A father whose ex-wife only lets him see the kids on summers and Christmas.
I don't need you to rub it in.
I find the defendant guilty.
Your Honor, I'm not the one on trial here.
Yes, you are.
[ALL GASPING] "Hire a lawyer," I said.
"Waste of money," he said.
This is what I spend my time in courtroom audiences for.
This is my Starbucks.
Two weeks.
Two weeks to turn this around.
Lisa, can we get the state to change its sentencing guidelines in the next two weeks? Ah, the legislative calendar is pretty full.
And they take off the second week for Easter.
Roman Easter! To the Byzantine world, it's nothing! I'm afraid we have to prepare for the possibility that you might go to prison.
ANNOUNCER: The Arts and Incarceration Channel presents When soft men do hard time.
INTERVIEWER: What advice would you give to a new inmate? Everything can be a weapon.
I saw a guy get his eye gouged with uncooked spaghetti.
You sound like you've seen a lot.
I've seen things and done things I ain't proud of.
And I'm the chaplain.
I can't take this, Marge.
Maybe I can make peace with Comic Book Guy.
Do you think so? He's an angry man.
His favorite thing is Star Wars, and he hates Star Wars.
I'll talk to him.
Careful, Marge.
He's a lazy, overweight slob.
Don't fall in love with him.
Comic Book Guy, my husband is really sorry.
Okay, he screwed up.
But he doesn't belong in prison.
I beg to differ.
That car is very special to me.
When I was young, my father took me in it to - Buy comic books? - No, not comic books.
Everything in my life is not comic books, okay? We bought baseball cards.
Look, we'll detail your car and fix your comic book.
This is not about my car.
It is about me getting respect.
I want all the Little Lulus five dollars can buy.
And make it snappy, Blobba the Hutt.
Jabba is actually quite slim! For a Hutt.
Just get the Lulus.
Or I'll take my business to Build-A-Bear.
Here you go.
Five dollars' worth of Little Lulus.
As for you, I am not budging.
Like the door of Superman's Fortress of Solitude when the Beatles tried to visit.
Pure folly.
That comic is noncanonical.
The only thing noncanonical in my store is Snoopy dressed as Sgt.
Rock for an ill-timed Vietnam war ad.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Yes, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
No, seriously.
It's just been painted.
Oh.
That's what being nice gets you.
Mom, Dad, I think I found the answer on the Internet! Lisa, nothing good ever comes from YouTube.
Except ducks eating watermelon.
No, no.
Sentencing mitigation videos.
People have had their jail terms reduced, or even gotten off death row by producing slick video appeals to the judge.
Finally, a way for rich people to bend the system their way.
Mr.
Burns got off the hook once by using a video directed by Guillermo del Toro.
Hello, I am, uh, film director Guillermo del Toro.
Uh, when I was a young boy, I fell in love with monsters.
Frankenstein's monster, King Kong, Son of Kong, Nosferatu, Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, Godzilla's nephew Godzooky, Mothra the caterpillar, Mothra the moth, the Blob from The Blob and Godzilla's cousin, Sheldon Godzilla.
Lesser known but equally horrifying.
Monsters, yes.
But they are capable of love.
Which brings us to Montgomery Burns.
Oh, hello.
Did someone mention me? DEL TORO: From birth, he was not wanted.
Then came the real monsters: the bullies that hated him just because he was wealthy.
And maybe he rubbed it in a little.
But no one knows the real Mr.
Burns.
I love SeÃ±or Burns.
Who are you? He combines the ancient evil of Cthulhu with the trim physique of Slender Man.
SeÃ±or Burns demonstrates that in all so-called monsters beats a heart.
Thank you for listening.
And thank you, Georgia Film Commission, for the 22% discount.
I'll see you wherever free people congregate.
Like the Yale Club.
[ORCHESTRAL FANFARE] Wow.
Maybe I've been all wrong about evil.
Once again, Mr.
del Toro stripped away the darkness and found beauty at its core.
Like that fish-snuggling movie.
Excuse me.
[COUGHS] Ah you told me you've never been to Missouri.
You're right, honey.
Hollywood can solve anything.
Except its own lack of creativity and diversity.
Now, how do we make this thing? I think we should use a videographer.
There's one left in town.
I will do anything for your wedding video.
Color, black and white, or Polaroid Swinger, cha cha cha.
I gotta warn you, my camera hand is shaky because I have a major vitamin E deficiency.
No problemo.
It works fine if you just nod your head like this [WARBLING] You know, we could just do it ourselves.
Yeah.
Those are the words that are killing my profession.
Now you say nice things about me.
So what is it you're looking for? Words or something? Uh, human words? Okay, uh, Homer Simpson, uh, well, real family man.
Yeah.
Always brings his kids into the bar.
Not one of them aristocrats who gets all bent out of shape when there's a mouse in his beer.
Hey, Moe.
I need you to file a serial number off a wheelchair.
HOMER: Cut! Hmm Homer Simpson? How can I put this? Ah, we've never had an employee get rehired so many times.
Homer Simpson has two children enrolled in our school.
That's all I'm comfortable saying.
All right, let's see what you got.
I had to edit a little.
Homer Simpson.
Family man.
Happy.
Aristocrat.
Too.
Cool.
Comfortable.
Homer is a grace to the family.
He is an ape le father.
I warned Marge marry him.
That's the best you can do? I'm screwed! Not while I can use Final Cut Pro.
We'll start from scratch.
Using the only two things people still believe in: babies and dogs.
[SNOWBALL II MEOWS SADLY] Sorry, Snowball, cats are polarizing.
[MEOWS SYMPATHETICALLY] [SIGHS] Please just give us something we can use.
We're ready.
Oh, now the dog won't cooperate.
There's a trick that always works with Kevin James.
[PANTING] I think I'll color this man father MARGE: He's a guy who gets off at 5:00 and comes directly home to be with his kids.
Said I'm gonna color him father Color him father He's incredibly generous to his friends and neighbors.
In his spare time, he loves PTA meetings.
Helping with the Cub Scouts.
Or just going to the movies.
This is Maggie, our baby.
And she understands what's going on.
She's never said a word, but I get the feeling she wants to say something now.
Nee Da dy.
What a man.
And now we pray.
Bless us, O Lord, for this bountiful feast Not that prayer.
I must say, I am impressed.
So, unless the prosecution has a rebuttal, I'm inclined to Not so fast.
Do you have a video, too? No, that would be pretentious.
- Very well, then.
- I have a speech.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] Comic book sales is a very fragile field.
Kids hate to read, the stores smell like farts - and bubble gum - [MURMURING IN AGREEMENT] Then the things I cherish most my father's car, my precious, precious comic, and most important, my dignity were taken from me.
I'm just your ordinary small businessman.
Never took anything from anyone.
But I did dare to think I would be treated with respect.
I have so many fictional heroes, Your Honor.
For once, please give me a real one.
[GRUNTS] Best.
Courtroom speech.
Ever.
Yes! I will render my sentence tomorrow.
I thank you.
Good night.
Boom.
Wait, wait, wait.
Do you want to go to a movie? I'll go to a movie with you, Judge.
- You won't be available.
- Oh.
Dad, the computer says That computer has brought me nothing but trouble and sports scores while I'm at church! A store in Ogdenville just put up the same Radioactive Man comic that we destroyed in perfect condition.
It's my last hope at freedom.
I mean, how much could an old comic cost? [WHISPERING] [WHISPERING] - Are you done? - No.
[WHISPERING] [TIRES SCREECH] You can't be closed.
It's Tuesday at 4:30! Do you not see the "closed" sign written in Wakandan? And I wasted high school learning German.
Was fur eine Schande! Well, German is Earth's closest language to Klingon.
Come on in.
What do you want? I'm extremely busy.
Mm-hmm.
I want to talk to you.
I see we have reached the epilogue of our little drama.
[SCREAMS] No, not the epilogue.
Still plot.
Still plot! Look, I know we've had our differences, but we can still be friends.
Like when Superman teamed up with Lex Luthor.
That was an imaginary story written by Harlan Ellison because he wanted to get fired.
Well, maybe this will tickle your ponytail.
- [BOING] - [GASPS] The Ogdenville copy! It lives! Am I forgiven? I'm afraid not.
No.
I don't have a choice.
The grudge is still inside me.
Which is also the name of a low-budget Roger Corman movie.
Oh! What does it take? How to explain what I am feeling.
Uh look around.
What do you see? Uh a bunch of stuff that other people threw out? Like a mirror, you see everything but understand nothing.
Get out.
[SIGHS] Let's go.
Oh, my God! Oh! Is that a season one Welcome Back, Kotter key chain? It is! The proof a John Travolta who is happy to be there! How did you get this? [APPLAUSE ON TV] Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max? He was the halfback in the family.
If you gave him a sandwich, you got half back.
[ALL LAUGHING] [GIGGLING] This is for you, son.
Don't say I never gave you nothing.
Are you gonna give me anything else? Nope.
One thing.
Homer, when you look at your precious totem there, how does it make you feel? I never thought of it before.
I touch it all the time.
I feel unhappy if I don't have it.
Sometimes I dream about it.
[GASPS] I think I love it! Well put.
Now understand this.
Dah! That is how you made me feel! [WHOOSHES] Now you see.
And you may consider the charges dropped.
Let us shake hands, drink rice wine, and enjoy Swedish Fish candy.
Are you saying I'm off the hook? Yes.
In fact, you may be surprised, but you are now my best friend.
So I'm not going to prison? No, you are going to Comic-Con with me.
Oh.
Hmm.
Let me see, let me see.
Dad, just say yes.
Is prison still an option? No.
Not until you hold down Harrison Ford while I clip off his fingernails.
- Let's get to it.
- [GROANS] [SNORING] - What's this? - Mitigation video.
When I first met Bart, I was just a nerdy kid with glasses.
But now this blue-haired butterfly's ready to emerge from his pupa! [SIGHS] Simpson, you think this is helping you? [BART LAUGHING] Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a Springfield! Springfield!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  The Clown Stays in the Picture
The Simpsons s30e14 Episode Script
The Clown Stays in the Picture
1 [HORNS HONKING] Sorry, little dudes, we're gonna be here a while.
A truck broke down, and the cops are taking their sweet time clearing it up.
[LAUGHING] He thinks my tummy is a mountain.
Lou, Lou, quick, take a selfie.
It's not a selfie if I take it.
He's kissing me.
Take a selfie! Take a selfie! Oh, man, my phone's dead.
Milhouse, what am I missing in the group text? It's awesome.
You're never gonna get caught up.
[BART GROANS] What kind of jazz you listening to, stupid or boring? It's Marc Maron's podcast.
He does cool interviews with really interesting people.
Lame, lame, don't know him.
Lame, lame, don't know her.
Loudon Wainwright, lame, lame.
[GASPS] This guy interviewed Krusty? Yeah.
Hey, no, aw, that's my ear bu Ew.
It's yours now.
MARC MARON: Wow.
That's incredible, Krusty.
I mean, really, I'm blown away.
Yeah, well, it's true.
It's absolutely true.
I have a phobia of pies.
That's so crazy because, I mean, we've all seen you get hit in the face with pies on your show.
No, no, no, those are cakes decorated as pies.
Oh, right, so that's how you make yourself feel safe.
It's not the crust; it's the fillings.
Krusty, I got to ask you about something, and-and I don't want you to get defensive, but it's something you've never talked about.
Can you tell me about The Sands of Space? Oh, no.
That's off-limits, soul patch! We could talk about the exploding milkshakes in your Laffy Meals.
Did they ever find those kids' noses? Okay, okay, I'll tell you about The Sands of Space, the movie that almost consumed my soul.
[ELECTRIC CAN OPENER WHIRRING] - [CATS MEWLING] - Yeah, yeah, keep talking.
I'm just feeding the cats.
[LOUDLY]: It all began back in the golden age of Hollywood, the late 1980s, when high concept was king.
You'd mix two kooky words together in the title, put a rap song at the end that explains the plot, and bam you're on the cover of Premiere magazine.
I had starred in the hit action buddy comedy Good Cop, Dog Cop, where I played a murdered police officer who is reincarnated as his partner's pet Saint Bernard.
Five smashed squad cars, 100 exploded helicopters, and the mayor's wife has fleas.
Turn in your badge and your collar.
You're suspended for a month! For me, that's like seven months.
Dog Cop! [GRUNTING] KRUSTY: Suddenly, everyone in town was dying to be in the Krusty business, and I was dipping shrimp with all the big talents I once longed to see fail.
And, of course, what the studio wanted most was a sequel.
Okay, Krusty, we've got Good Cop, Dog Cop 2: Golden Revolver all lined up.
We, uh who-who did the The two Terrys, they just turned in a great script.
Savage Sam Borgberg is all set to direct.
So when do we start? I get it.
You think I'm just some hack, out to churn out lazy sequels for a quick buck.
Yes.
This is my next movie.
The Sands of Space? Krusty, are you kidding me? This is the most famously un-filmable book in history.
It made Kubrick a recluse.
It-it drove Coppola to wine.
The four Jeffs tried to write a script, but even they couldn't crack it.
When I bought this at an adult bookstore by mistake, it changed my life.
"There's a light that shines from star to star, from soul to soul, connecting everyone in the universe.
" Wow.
It's not landing for me that the hero doesn't refuse the quest before he accepts the quest.
Is that landing for you? Look, I'm not drinking out of one more toilet until you green-light this movie.
And I'm not playing a dog, either.
[GRUNTS] All right, we got a comic who wants to make a hippie-dippie science-fiction vanity project.
Here's what we do: we humor him, and we make it dirt cheap.
We could shoot it in Mexico for nothing.
We hire a has-been to direct it and never-wases to do everything else.
After it bombs, that clown will come scooting his butt back here to make all the Dog Cop movies we want.
Two more.
KRUSTY: The Sands of Space was a go, and the studio hired the least-qualified crew they could find, including a young couple whose love was just starting to bloom.
She was full of optimism, and he was slightly less fat than he was going to be.
What could be cooler? You and me working on a movie together all summer long as production assistants.
It's so romantic.
We'll be like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton if they had to get coffee for everybody.
[BOTH MOANING] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] All right, everyone, saddle up for JuÃ¡rez, Mexico.
That's where I shot Manhattan Mix Up.
Lost a lot of good men on that show.
Now, move it out! HOMER: Why are we stopping? SKINNER: Oh, the bus has been leaking oil for miles.
Look behind us.
HOMER: Those things were literal? The Sands of Space, day one, shot one, take one.
And action! So barren, so alien, yet somehow familiar.
Hey, what the hell is this? Cut.
Cut it! This sand is sand-colored.
It's supposed to be red.
So what? Sand is sand.
Did you even read the book? These blood dunes are all that's left of humanity after the Rust Wars.
What's to read? It's a space picture.
Laser cars, girls with octopus arms, zip zap glip glorp, and it's in the can.
Look, you no-talent bag of wrinkles.
Go back to whatever Toluca Lake drunk tank they fished you out of, because you're not getting anywhere near my movie! [BLOWS NOSE] Sir, I've worked in moving pictures since they were called "stillies.
" I once shot a two-hour picture in 90 minutes.
And so I say to you, in the words of Miss Lillian Gish, go crap in your hat.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to mysteriously drown in the ocean.
As you may have heard, there's been an amicable parting of ways with that moron director.
We wish him well.
Clearly, there's only one artist close enough to this film - To direct it: me.
- [ALL GASP] I know what you're thinking have I taken on too much by starring and directing a movie that I was also tricked into cofinancing? No, because this story must be told.
This is so exciting.
Krusty's got the passion and vision to make this movie great.
[SOBBING] I have no idea how to make a movie.
I know nothing.
All these people are screwed.
And the crew gift is just a T-shirt.
Right, right, I-I get it.
In the tradition of every actor ever, - you thought you could direct.
- Directing seemed so easy.
You just hold your hands like this, then bing, bang, boom, Annie Leibovitz is taking your portrait in a bathtub full of milk.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, talk about pressure, though.
Man, I remember once I was filming a special at the Laugh Basement in Tampa This isn't about you.
You got your ad in for Dollar Doorknob Club.
Now, let me talk.
KRUSTY: They say in Hollywood, "Nobody knows anything.
" Well, I knew a lot less than that.
What do you like for the princess's headpiece, - feathers or scales? - I don't know, how about scales? Oh, well, there goes the whole costume budget.
Uh, for the crew lunch, the grips want their hot dogs boiled, but the gaffers want them grilled.
Either way, I don't got no hot dogs, so, uh, which is it? Do you want the space ship doors to open like, "Zzztt-zzztt," "ppswishh" or "wahh-wahh"? Judd Nelson won't come out of his trailer.
Christian Slater won't go back into his trailer.
How many sugars do you want in your coffee? Stop asking me things! Is this an official break, or are we taking a five? - [SCREAMS] - Wahh-wahh.
Hmm, that poor clown man.
This movie is his dream, and it's falling apart.
Yeah, that's Mexico showbiz for you.
[GRUNTING] [GROANS] [WHIRRING] Oh, is nothing on this movie real? Um, are you okay? Okay? I'm a total fraud who can't make a single decision.
Well, maybe you just need to start with a small one.
Like, what color should the space monster's blood be, orange or green? Both.
Neither.
I don't know! Just close your eyes, breathe deeply, and envision the blood.
What color is it? Orange.
There you go.
You decided.
Of course, orange! I knew I was a genius! I did it! I directed a movie! Well, it's just one decision.
Oh, I'm a nothing.
A phony-baloney.
A no-talent.
A zilch.
Just my luck to work for the only insecure person in showbiz.
You risked everything you have to tell this story.
It must be special.
Maybe I can do this with your help.
How would you like to be assistant to the director? Really? I need you to help me be decisive.
No, wait, I don't want that! Oh, God, which one? - The first, the first.
- You're hired.
Oh! [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Add more dynamite.
Uh, those explosives are really close to those extras.
So? We got plenty of them.
That's why they're called "extras," right? [KRUSTY GRUNTING] You tell that lox to go to acting school and work there as a janitor.
Krusty loves what you're doing.
Same energy, little quicker.
Tell him to sod off.
He says, "You got it, baby.
" It's so much pressure.
The whole movie depends on it.
Tell the story that needs to be told.
That butt double for the action scene, that butt double for the love scene.
Let's make art! Sorry I'm late, but Krusty and I were storyboarding tomorrow's shots.
Close-up, medium, long, long, establishing, close, POV, wide, and then get this medium.
You've been so busy with that director, I never see you.
Krusty needs me.
He's under so much pressure.
You wouldn't believe how much directing dust he's sniffing.
Everyone's working hard.
We had to repaint all the sets black and white for a flashback.
We wouldn't have been able to do it if not for all the crew powder.
Well, it'll all be worth it when this movie touches people's hearts, as Peabo Bryson sings the theme song over the credits.
You got Peabo? - Well, he hasn't committed.
- He's not the only one.
This was supposed to be a romantic adventure, but whenever we have a moment alone, your beeper goes off.
Why don't we have a romantic adventure right now? - Oh, yeah, baby.
- [MOANING] [PAGER BEEPS] [BOTH MOANING] Wahh-wahh.
[HUMMING A TUNE] - Where were you? - [GASPS] I had to watch the dailies without you.
Greetings.
Welcome.
Greetings.
Welcome.
Greetings.
Welcome.
Greetings.
I've been going back and forth all night.
Which is better? - Did you get one with "Hello"? - [SCREAMS] I'm sorry, I was with Homer, my boyfriend.
Boyfriend? You can't have a boyfriend.
I want you! Krusty! Not like a lady.
Like a "mother slash therapist slash rabbi" who xeroxes things.
Dump the boyfriend.
I believe in this movie, but I also believe in Homer and Marge.
Me, I'm Marge.
Oh, yes, Marge.
Marge, I knew that.
Marge.
Marge.
I'm not going to break up with Homer.
He's my soul mate.
Hmm.
You know what? I get it.
Your life has to come first.
Yet again, you're the only one who can set me straight.
- Thank you.
- [LAUGHS] That's all right.
It's not all right.
I'm gonna grind that boyfriend down finer than this movie's red sand that I now wish was sand-colored.
- [INTERCOM BUZZES] - Send in my anesthesiologist so I can take a nap.
Dreams or no dreams? Surprise me.
[GAS HISSING] [HOMER GRUNTS, MARGE GASPS] [LAUGHS] Wow, it's crazy, man, right? How narcissism and insecurity go hand in hand? I mean, you couldn't function because your assistant had a boyfriend.
Where does that jealousy come from? How would I know? I fired my shrink after I found out she was seeing other patients.
Anyway KRUSTY: I made sure the boyfriend had all the most dangerous jobs on the set.
I'm out of breakfast burritos.
- [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING] - [HOMER SCREAMS] [TIRES SCREECH] Bring in the stunt dummy.
[HOMER SCREAMS] - [THUD] - [HOMER GRUNTS] Perfect.
Let's get one more for safety.
I'm telling you, your crazy boss is out to get me.
No, he's not.
Krusty loves our relationship.
Every day, he says it would be a shame if something happened to you, then laughs and laughs.
Then why are they sending me out to the middle of the desert to find a lizard for a new scene about a space lizard? Hmm, that does sound a little dangerous.
No, I'm sure it's super safe.
I'll see you when I get back alive.
[GROANS] [WIND WHISTLING] Here, lizard, lizard, lizard.
Who wants to be famous? Look at all those skeletons.
Mexicans sure love Halloween.
Whoa! D'oh! [GRUNTS] What the? [GRUNTS] [GROANS] Wha Oh, I'm trapped in a ravine.
Only one thing to do: wait patiently for death.
- Dad, wake up! - [MUMBLES] What? Yeah, get up, fat-ass.
Who the hell are you, talking cactuses? We're the kids you're never gonna have if you don't you get your lazy butt out of that hole.
And technically, it's "cacti.
" - Ow! - [LAUGHS] Why should I climb out of here and have you? Marge spends all her time taking care of that needy clown.
I thought I was her passion project.
You know, someday you might appreciate a wife who's developed empathy and patience for chubby, selfish men.
[LAUGHS] Look at that bald guy.
[LAUGHS] He's so bald! I don't think we'll ever be born.
Sorry, Maggie.
Eat my thorns.
[HUMS] Why, you prickly! - [SHOUTING ANGRILY] - [CHOKING] [PANTING] A casa.
I'm saved.
Ay, caramba! The Pain Lords forced me to mine every quarry on this planet, but they never imagined I had the Love Gem all along.
And cut.
That was amazing.
And you remembered all your lines.
Aw, thanks Marge.
You've helped me become what every director should be: an amiable guy who makes everyone suffer through his hellish process.
Homer's been kidnapped.
- [GASPS] - There's a note.
[SPEAKING SPANISH] "We have taken your blubbering coward.
" [SPEAKING SPANISH] "The ransom is $1 million or 100 Los Angeles Raiders season tickets.
" - [SPEAKING SPANISH] - "Go, Raiders.
" Oh, geez, I'm sorry, everyone.
We don't have the cash to ransom that kid, but I think I know what he'd want: a special thanks in the closing credits right before which kind of film stock we used.
Back to work.
No.
This crew looks after its own.
We're gonna save Homer, and I don't care how much golden time they have to pay us.
We don't have a million-dollar ransom, but we do have one thing: movie magic.
Powder up, everyone.
[ALL SHOUTING] - [LAUGHS] - Ay, ay, ay! [SPEAKS SPANISH] "Ay ay ay," indeed.
[CROWD GASPING] Give us back our P.
A.
! The Americans, they have weapons from the future.
Yar! These weapons from the future, they are not real.
[IMITATING LASER GUN FIRING] [IMITATING LASER GUN FIRING] [GROANS] Stop shooting.
Stop shooting.
Cut! Okay, that's a five.
We don't have your million dollars, but we can give you something much more valuable: a Hollywood movie.
All we want back is the lowliest member of our crew.
We could sell it to the highest bidder at MIFED! You have a deal.
No, no! You can't give away my masterwork.
"There's a light that shines from star to star, from soul to soul, connecting everyone in the universe.
" Be the man who believes in those words, and let the light between me and Homer give life to our universe.
Gentlemen, the film is yours.
You're a good man, Krusty.
Only when I'm with you, which is why I never want to see you again.
I want that, too.
I've done a lot of interviews, man, but wow.
I-I am so glad that Byron Allen canceled.
And after that, my movie career was kaput.
I was sent back to kids TV and never cared about making anything good ever again.
Well, folks, you heard it.
Who could ever forget it? A heartbreaking story about a selfish man's one selfless act.
Do you like hot cashews but don't have the time to heat them up? 'ShewBlasters is disrupting the heated nut business.
If the 'Shew heats, eat it! [KRUSTY GROANS] - BART: Mom! Dad! - You guys never told us you worked on a movie together.
So that's why you've been wearing that crew jacket all these years.
That crazy movie? Oh, man, that was a long time ago.
We were just kids.
What was it like? Well, working on that movie set turned out to be a lot like our marriage.
Long days, stupid fights you don't remember, but damn good breakfasts.
A good breakfast can get you through a lot.
But what happened to the movie? Did Krusty ever see it? I don't know.
I guess we'll never know.
[LIGHT BUZZING] The love crystal is whole once more.
The prophecy is fulfilled.
[LAUGHTER] - What? Why are they laughing? - They think it's a comedy.
[GROANS] It was supposed to show how we're all connected.
Look around, man.
Maybe it did, maybe it did.
If you think this is closure, you're nuts.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 30  >  I'm Dancing as Fat as I Can
The Simpsons s30e13 Episode Script
I'm Dancing as Fat as I Can
1 - Mmm.
Bleh.
- D'oh! [PHONE RINGING] Y'ello.
Dad, I'm sleeping over at Milhouse's and I can't take it.
Come on, Bart, read me to sleep.
And do the voices.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: "I'm ruler," [NORMAL VOICE]: said Yertle.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: "Of all that I see.
" Could we try that again? And hit "I'm" a little harder.
"I'm ruler," [NORMAL VOICE]: said Yertle.
Faster and this time hit "said.
" [NORMAL VOICE]: That makes no sense.
Okay, we'll do it your way, then my way, and I'll see what works in editing.
[CHUCKLES] Dad, get me outta here.
Sorry, boy, you know the rule.
Accept the invite, stay the night.
[PHONE RINGING] Hello, Yertle.
[LAUGHS] [GASPS] Oh.
Oh, my God.
I-I'll be on the next plane.
[WHIMPERS]: Oh.
What's wrong, honey? My Aunt Eunice is dying.
I have to leave right away.
HOMER: Oh, poor Marge.
Wait.
She said "I," not "we.
" I don't have to go.
[LAUGHING] [SOBBING] Aw, you love her, too.
[LAUGHING, SOBBING] Sweetie, do you want to come? Uh, uh, w-with all my heart.
Uh, but the children need me.
[CLOCK TICKING] [CRYING] Oh.
[PHONE RINGING] Y'ello.
BART [OVER PHONE]: Dad, I am begging you.
Who is this? MARGE [SIGHS]: Okay.
I made a loaf of peanut butter and jelly.
You just have to slice it into sandwiches every day.
- Check.
- I set the Roomba up to cope with your cleaning.
[MOTOR WHIRRING] - Check.
- I made a welcome wagon basket for our new neighbors from Eastern Europe.
- Check.
- Not Czech, Slovenian.
- Check.
- [CAR HORN HONKING] One last thing this is very important, Homer.
The new season of Odder Stuff drops on Netflix tonight.
Ooh, ooh.
Something to do.
Do not watch it without me.
What? Why not? I have to see if my fan theories are correct.
[LOUD WHISPER]: I think it's set in the '80s.
- [CAR HORN HONKS] - Homer, the nine hours we binge watch that show together is our thing.
And we don't have a lot of things.
But holding hands in a darkened room with my head on your shoulder has become the glue that seals our love.
I get it.
I totally get it.
I know I'm not perfect.
Sometimes I forget our marriage birthday.
- Our anniversary? - Yes.
And sometimes I forget your birth anniversary, but I promise I will not watch our show without you.
Thank you, Homie.
AUNT EUNICE: Thank you girls for coming.
Dearest, you were always our favorite aunt.
Psst, over here.
When she's gone, I get the P's, Selma gets the S's.
You get to notify the utilities.
Can't this wait until after she's dead? I'll be too busy grieving.
Yeah.
Too busy grieving I got the salt shaker.
[LAUGHS] Easy-peasy.
"P" for salt, "S" for pepper.
I'm walking towards a light - Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
with a Post-it on it.
[GRUNTS] Uh-oh.
Okay, sweetie, here's a book that can help you fall asleep.
No, no, no.
No, sweetie.
You chew it, like this.
Look.
[MUNCHING] Yummy book.
Mmm.
Oh.
[MOANING] Hey.
[CHUCKLES] [MOANING] - [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING] - [SNORING] Hey, what? Huh.
What's this? What are you doing?! You guys can't watch this.
Uh, no.
You can't watch this.
We didn't promise Mom nothing.
[BOTH LAUGH] Children, there are 400 shows you could watch right now.
Many with Ted Danson.
[GROWLING, HISSING] - [WHIMPERS] - [GROWLING] Wait for me.
[WHIMPERING] MARGE: This show you can watch.
Too depressing.
[BIRD CAWS] [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING] Oh.
Ah! No.
Must find place to avoid pop culture discussions.
I know.
The watercooler.
- the Semi-Gorgon.
- so many twists.
- I know.
- set in the '80s.
And the Guffer Brothers.
My turn to talk about how much I liked it.
Shouldn't doing something nice for your wife feel better than this? Homer, will you read my Odder Stuff fan fiction? I threw it over Stephen King's fence but i-it hit him on the head.
Why Stephen King? Eh, he's got a low fence.
Mmm [GURGLING] Don't worry, kids.
Sideshow Mel will be fine.
He has an air bubble.
It's all carbon dioxide now! [BUBBLING] [GROANS] [SIGHS] This is the last time I buy a trick from a magician's widow.
Nobody's watching my show.
What with the downloading and the streaming, and the fact that everything else is better.
Now, you're my writers! You pay us like interns.
And I'm your niece.
- Hey-hey.
- Hey-hey.
Now I want ideas.
Why don't we do another live special? What? I can't remember lines.
At my last wedding I wrote "I do" on the rabbi's forehead.
You could hide a golden ticket in some candy like Willy Wonka.
The only children allowed in my factory are the ones that work there.
- How 'bout we have a contest? - [KRUSTY GROANS] Some lucky kid gets to run around a Krusty store for five whole minutes and take all the toys they want.
It inspires buying, it's easy to promote, and it's the third thing someone pitched.
I'm sold! [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING] Let's see what else Netflix has to offer.
"Because you watched an '80s show featuring a monster" Alf, Roseanne, Moonlighting, The Cosby Show They're all too scary.
Ooh.
[WHIMPERING] God forgive me.
No.
Only when we're together.
It's our glue.
Homer, I'm Ted Sarandos.
Chief Content Officer of Netflix.
[GULPS, WHIMPERS] This can't be a dream because I don't know who you are.
I'm not a dream.
Let's just say I'm a manifestation of complex algorithms that know everything about you.
Well, I can't watch this because I know.
I know.
Marge told you not to.
Do you know that she's been watching Scandinavian crime dramas with full nudity without you? That nudity is story-driven.
[LAUGHING]: Yeah, right.
But Odder Stuff is our thing.
No.
Your thing's with us.
She's just along for the ride.
The account's in your name.
Come on, come on, watch it now.
Because our subscription prices will triple tomorrow.
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING] Wow.
I finally finished something I wasn't supposed to start.
That is impressive.
I won't even mind watching it again with - MARGE: Homer?! - Uh-oh.
The lady from my marriage.
My aunt recovered.
Why are you up at 5:00 a.
m.
? Still warm.
You watched it.
I finally learn how little I mean to you.
- Wait.
- [DOOR SLAMS] [CRYING]: No.
Marge, I am sorry.
Come on, it's a stupid TV show.
I don't want to hear your voice.
Mmm No.
We're staying married.
Enough with the rebuses.
All right, I'll just grab my pillow and sleep on the couch.
- No.
You'll sleep right next to me.
- [SIGHS] Because I want you to feel the bitter rays of ice coming from my frozen soul.
[SHIVERING] Oh.
Oh.
It's so bitterly cold.
[GRUNTING] MARGE: I'm fine.
[HOMER SIGHS] KRUSTY [OVER TV]: To enter our contest, write down, in 15 words or less, why you love me more than God and America.
The top three essayists will earn a chance to run roughshod through a Krusty store and not get tased by security.
[LAUGHS] Whoever fills the cart with the most toys gets to keep them, free.
And the other two get the worst kind of squat: diddly.
Diddly? You can't say that word on TV.
Employees and monkeys of this network are not eligible.
Lis, will you write my essay for me? What, you can't even come up with, "I love Krusty because I'm a class clown and he's a clown with class"? Perfect.
And the best thing is I'm stealing it from you.
Ooh, that'll impress 'em.
Go ahead.
But there's one thing I want you to hear: when you win by cheating, eventually you lose.
Wait, sorry, after you said "win," I started thinking about dirt bikes.
[IMITATING DIRT BIKE ENGINE] You cheated on your wife, Homer.
I waited for Lenny before I watched.
[GROWLING] After this, we've got a stand-up special from Chris Rock.
Don't watch that with your wife, either.
[WHIMPERING] [SHOUTING] [MUFFLED SCREAMING] Quit sleeping in the garden! [SNORING] - Dad? - Huh? Sweetie, everything's fine.
Dad, maybe you should be talking to someone who's older than me.
Ted Sarandos? Who's Ted Sarandos? I was hoping you knew.
HOMER: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
My son, what are your sins? Aside from thinking our church has confession.
I watched a binge-worthy TV show without my wife.
Was it The Crown? Don't tell me how it ends.
Doesn't she become queen? Oh, go to Hell.
Aw, what am I gonna do? I don't know what she wants! Homer, sorry to blow my own horn [HORN PLAYS FANFARE] but Netflix knows your wife better than you do.
Do you know what she watches incessantly when you're not around? Usually this thing.
Dance shows! She loves 'em! Want to win her back? Learn to dance, my puppet.
Hmm.
I have disappointed Marge with my dancing in the past.
[BONES CRACK] [SIREN WAILING] I'll do it! ["THE BLUE DANUBE" BY STRAUSS PLAYING] Did you guys all let down your wives? I'm not that pathetic.
I'm just paying $40 an hour for basic human contact.
[GIGGLES] Cha-cha-cha! [JAZZ RIFF PLAYING] Hello.
My name is Julia.
Just remember Julia believes in you.
Julia will always believe in you.
Julia will stay with you until you are a dancer.
- What's my name? - Homer.
- No.
My name.
- Julia.
And why are you here? I need to learn how to dance - to get my wife back.
- [MOANS]: Aw It's been a long time since a woman said that to me.
[JAZZ RIFF PLAYING] Now we begin.
["THE BLUE DANUBE" PLAYING] [HOMER PANTING] Zoey B, Zoey T, you work with these guys.
This man needs one-on-one help.
I don't know how to tell you this, but you are a terrible dancer.
Uh, it seems like you did know how to tell me that.
But I am taking you on as my personal challenge, and when I take on a challenge, I don't quit! [TANGO PLAYING] [CRACKING] - [MUSIC STOPS] - Okay, here's the first thing: when you step on my toe, it causes me pain.
Wow.
I'm learning so much.
[TANGO RESUMES] How's your toe? Doesn't matter.
I don't quit and neither do you.
[PANTING HEAVILY] - [ALARM BEEPS] - [GASPS] Homer, you're getting there.
You're aware of when the music is playing.
[GASPING]: Can't dance.
Marriage over.
Will live on boat.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna have to do something I didn't want to do.
I'm bringing in my partner.
Sweet Sal! Watch me.
With one hand, you can lead a woman.
- I find that hard to - You have to come forward - when I do this.
- Mm? -You have to go back when I do this.
-Mm.
As I push my palm into your back, - you're forced to turn here.
- I am.
I am.
Whoa Back straight! Knees bent! Feet arched! Eyes merry! [HOMER SHRIEKING] [SHRIEKING CONTINUES] [PHONE RINGS] Moe's Tavern.
Moe speaking.
Homer? Nah, sorry, Midge.
I ain't seen him in weeks.
What do you mean? He told me he's been there every night.
Oh, oh, Homer Simpson.
Oh, no, I thought you were talking about, uh, Homer the blind poet who wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey there, yeah.
'Cause he ain't been around - since, like, 720 BC.
- [GROANS] Another night at Moe's? Yeah.
I'm beat.
The couch.
[TAP-DANCING] MARGE [CALLS]: Quiet! Okay, Homer, time to do a lift.
Are you sure? I'm pretty heavy.
No, me.
Just grab my waist and hold on tight.
I'm doing all the work.
Oh.
Oops.
- [SHRIEKS] - We'll work on that.
- Hey, hey! - [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] It's time for Krusty's Toy Trample! We have three finalists.
But only the first finisher gets to keep his toys.
Losers have to pay the winner's income tax.
We rehearsed this with monkeys, and everything went great! BART: Now, to take out these two losers in two seconds.
Dead Grandma, is that you? On your marks, prepare to advance.
- [BART EXHALES] - Commence! [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING] - No! - No! [MUSIC STOPS] Congratulations, kid! And you also won a day with Krusty! ANNOUNCER [SPEED-TALKING]: Day with Krusty will actually be day with Sideshow Mel.
Don't we get anything? Of course.
You two get the greatest prize any kid could ask for: wooden paddles with balls on 'em.
Mine's broken already.
Use your imagination.
The ball is a rocket ship, and the paddle is a I don't know.
Why am I wasting my time with this kid? - Is he dying? - Not that I know of.
Well, then get him outta here! - [PHONE RINGS] - [GROANS] HOMER [OVER SPEAKER]: Marge, it's me.
I want to ask you one favor, and I won't bother you again.
There's a dress in the bedroom.
Put it on and meet me at 15th and Elm.
Are you going to tell me where you've been spending your nights? All will be made clear.
[DIAL TONE] Marge, go to him.
If you don't, he'll head off to the war, and you'll never see him again.
He's not going to war.
That coward! He doesn't deserve my daughter! She's here.
["EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE" BY THE POLICE PLAYING] You look beautiful.
Cut it out.
Why are we here? To dance.
I don't know how.
Marge, all you have to do is one incredibly difficult thing: trust me.
I'm here Oh.
Let's dance [GASPS] - My dear - Oh Yeah.
What's your name? MARGE: Hmm.
How do you do? Mmm What's the game? Hallelujah I saw a girl [SOBBING] I've never seen this, Mom and Dad romantically in love.
[CHUCKLES] It's like rebirth.
Ooh.
It cures all the wounds.
Aw.
Bart, are you seeing this? I set a new record: 89.
Wha You missed the greatest moment in our parents' lives.
89's pretty good.
How Do you do? Whoo! I have not felt this good since I signed Shonda Rhimes.
You're there I'm here Okay, Homer, catch and lift.
But let's dance - [GRUNTS] - [PEOPLE GASP] My dear What's your name? How do you do? What's the game? FLANDERS: Hey! Wait, how did you get a toy? It was a thank-you from Ralph for writing his essay.
You wrote Ralph's essay, too? It's called hedging your bets, boys.
Hi-yo, just desserts! Did someone say "just desserts"? Dad, it's just an expression.
Just an expression, eh? I have to warn you, we just have desserts.
Oh
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  The Serfsons
The Simpsons s29e01 Episode Script
The Serfsons
1 The Serfsons.
Aw, water soup again? - (squawks) - Now it's crow soup.
Ooh, I call an eye! - Me, two! - Me, three! And Maggie gets the beak.
(squeals happily) - (neighs) - (all gasp) Your hovel got in the way of my horse.
Kiss his hooves in apology.
Mm! Mm! Mm! (chuckles): Oh, please, forgive us, noble steed.
Mm! Mm! Our nostrils are not worthy of your mighty stench.
Mm! Mm! Are those new horseshoes? Oh, they look good on you! Mm! Mm! Mm! (neighs) (disgusted whinny) Lousy nobles! We serfs are starving, while they're feasting and jousting and posing for tapestries where they're friends with a unicorn.
As if any unicorn would like them.
Unicorns like nice people I'm a nice person.
Young lady, that kind of talk is anti-feudalist, and I won't have it! Without feudalism, we wouldn't have this hovel, our bountiful filth, or my awesome buboes.
Ooh-hoo.
I'll lance you later.
(panting heavily) (inhaling deeply) Bart! They just stuck new severed heads up on the city walls! Oh! Can we go, Ma? Can we? Can we? That's a lovely idea.
Oh.
And we can bring my mom.
I hope she's doing okay in her new nursing home.
(snoring, wheezing) Which one is your mom's web? GRAMPA: Son, is that you? No.
MRS.
BOUVIER: Ah, you ruined my nap! Just like you ruined my daughter's life.
That's her.
They didn't skimp on the tar.
That's the secret to long-lasting heads.
Ooh, there's Ned Flanders! It's always nice when you know someone.
Those are the kind of sideburns I was saying you should grow.
Hmm Pretty sharp.
Pretty, pretty sharp.
See how the heads of rich people get the tallest pikes with the best view? It's so unfair.
I told you to lay off feudalism.
It's the only system we know.
We have no choice about it, and therefore it's the best.
The system is designed to keep us down.
That's not true.
In a great country like ours, a poor girl can grow up to be anything she wants a wife or a harlot and that's it.
I wanted to be a harlot, but it's all who you know.
It's never too late.
Everyone is somebody's weird fetish.
Mom.
What's wrong with your skin? It's blue, and ice-cold.
This could be a serious disease.
Homer, she needs medical attention.
Pretty, pretty sharp.
(bells tolling) It's never easy to say this.
You've got Genital Snerfs.
SNERFS: La, la, la-la, la-la We love our new home.
Doc, is there any way to control occasional flare-ups? Nope.
- Yeah! - Yay! - Yippee! (groans) Now, what have we here? Progressive frozen-mortification! This can only be the bite of an Ice Walker! An Ice Walker? Mom, how did this happen? Oh, I dated a ravenous wight who abhors the warmth of the living.
- And? - He got fresh.
I'm sorry, baby.
I know I screwed up.
But you got to give me another chance.
I love you.
She's 900 years younger than you, you pervert.
I like 'em young, that ain't no crime.
(giggling) Is my mom gonna be okay? Mm, I'm sorry, but a week from now, your mother will be frozen solid.
No! No, that can't be.
She's barely into her hag years.
All you can do is give her leeches for the pain.
Here's an organizer.
So so there's nothing we can do to save her? Mm well, there's one treatment.
MARGE: All we have to do is buy this amulet.
My mom is saved! Yeah but a hundred GP? I mean, that's more than a tenth-level fighter makes in an entire campaign.
Don't worry, we'll figure it out.
Hey, sweet young thang.
What time they cuttin' you down? Ooh, baby! (humming a tune) (grunts, continues humming) Okay, we just need to come up with a hundred gold pieces.
How much do we have in our savings? Hmm let me think.
There's that thing (mumbling unintelligibly) (smacking lips, mumbling) What are savings? Well, then we can sell our possessions.
- The pig.
The spoon.
- (oinks) The gelatinous cube has to be worth something.
DISCO STU VOICE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this because of what happened to the cat? I told him not to nap on me.
So that's on him.
Look, honey, I love your mom.
As crones go, she's tops.
But does it make sense I mean total sense to spend all that money so a really old lady can get a little bit older? This is my mom's life! This family will do whatever it takes to keep her alive! Is that understood? Of course.
Of course.
- Good.
- Good.
Good.
All I'm saying is (grunting) - (oinks) - Homer Serfson, you are the most selfish jerk in the entire Tri-Kingdom Area! I should have listened to that witch and married my twin brother, Markery.
Always here if you need me, sis.
Get lost, freak! She chose me! You get that money to save my mom, or never set foot in this hovel again! Good things come to those who wait.
Oh Is Marge still sore at you, Homer? Yeah.
It's not like I want to kill her mother.
I just want to let her die from neglect.
(groans) If I don't get the money for that amulet, I'll be sleeping on the iron couch.
Now, let's see here.
"An urgent message for Milady Gwendolyn Partz.
" Uh, Milady Partz? Hey, has anyone seen Milady Partz? Ah, come on, somebody grab Milady Partz! That depends how big is your dowry? (all laughing) You little craven, if I ever get my hands on you, I'm gonna slice you open and drain all of your humors: blood, black bile, yellow bile "and phlegm.
" (both laughing) (strained grunt) (yelps) Aah! Okay, break's over.
(yelling, grunting) Uh, Lord Montgomery? I've had some unforeseen family medical expenses, and I was wondering, could I get an advance on my salary? Uh, but first, can I have a salary? (chuckles) Peasants.
Serfson, you've pushed that wheel around and around for 20 years did you ever wonder why? Mostly I just push it.
Have you ever noticed that the wheel isn't hooked up to anything? (gasps) The rumors were true! But your work does produce something very special human misery which, when collected, ground into a powder and snorted, gives rich people tiny wings that do nothing.
So if you help me, it reduces my suffering, which means less wing powder for my betters.
I'm glad we had this talk.
- But I really need the money - Flit-flit.
Thank you for your time.
Mm (knocking) (groans) Hi, Azzlan.
Marge, my child.
I've come to offer solace in this difficult time.
You mean convert me to your religion when I'm at my most vulnerable? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm just here to ask you an important question.
Have you heard the news? Yes, yes.
I will be saved.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
I'm just going to leave you with this literature, praise God I can't go home and face your mom without the money for that amulet.
In here.
Do you have your lucky lead nugget? Always.
A lead-lick a day keeps the doctor a-blah (wind whistling) (gasps) Gold.
Sweet, sweet gold! Why didn't you ever tell us you could do magic? Because if the king finds out, he'll take me away and force me to be one of his evil wizards! You necromancing nitwits! I wanted an all-seeing eye, not this! (sniffing) No daughter of mine is gonna end up in the hex trade.
- (nose sneezes) - Now, let's go buy that amulet.
And don't worry, mum's the word.
Did you say "The Word"? Hmm? Ah? Hmm? (Lisa and Homer groan) - Hi, Azzlan.
- Hi, Azzlan.
(grunts) 12-nothing.
My serve.
You know, eventually, you're gonna run out of us.
I said, my serve.
Mom, I've got a surprise for you.
Thanks to who? I said it when I was 11, and I'll say it now.
You're the greatest husband in the world.
- Mm - (gasps) Where'd a dirt-poor loser like you get all the gold for that? (chuckles): Oh, well let's just say I strangled a leprechaun.
I'm not wearing that.
But without it, you'll die.
- Fine by me.
- What?! I want to die.
(groans): Oh, typical! "I want to live, I want to die.
" Just make up your mind they're both terrible.
Oh, I've lived a full life.
I saw a drawing of an ocean, I watched my daughter marry an ogre.
I am not an ogre.
My father married an ogre after my mother was eaten by a different ogre.
You're my mom.
I can't bear the thought of saying good-bye.
(sighs) You want me to live, I'll live.
(ringing) Let's celebrate! I'll roast a hobbit for dinner.
Mmm Bet you a packet of South Farthing pipe weed she picks me, Gaffer.
Hush now, lad.
The big folk will choose who's tastiest and no mistake.
Ow! Ooh! Hey! How do you know you got them from me? SNERFS: We miss you! We miss you, too! Love you! Love you more! (Snerfs giggling) Ow, ow, ow! Hmm.
Is it really so bad for Grandma if she dies? Won't she spend eternity in the Fields of Bliss? - (grunts) - SNAKE: Ow! Yeah.
We're all going to the Fields of Bliss, where the days are passed in frolic most joyous.
BART: Just frolicking? That's it? HOMER: Sometimes, you wave ribbons through the air.
But mainly, frolicking.
Doesn't that get old? Did I mention the ribbons? 'Cause there's ribbons.
Fields of Bliss? Nonsense.
The afterlife is an eternity of slaughtering and being slaughtered by your enemies.
Oh, yeah.
You're both wrong.
After death, you spend all day counting Goblin Jesus's money.
(chuckles) And it better all be there.
71 mermaids.
Some where the fish is the top part.
(laughs): Top.
Mushrooms.
Everywhere, mushrooms.
(grunts) Frolicking and ribbons! Yeah, but what if after we die, that's it? We're just gone? (all gasping) So just poof? Really? Poof, and then just super nothing? Mm-mm? Well, it's clean.
I'll give you that.
(rocking chair squeaking) Oh, yeah.
This is way better than death.
Come on, Mom.
There's so many things we can say to each other now.
Oh, really? Okay, then, say them.
I'm waiting.
Oh.
Um Well (chuckles) What about you guys? What do you want to ask your grandma? I got nothing.
I'm gonna take a stroll and enjoy the golden age of cleavage.
Lisa? Um uh Oh! Well, Grandma, tell us of your most ardent swain.
I dated a shape-shifter once.
I thought I could keep him from changing.
I was wrong.
Love is a fairy tale! Oh.
Uh Every moment with her is a precious gift.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
All that matters is that we're a family and we're together.
(all gasping) Sorcerer-intendent Chalmers.
Your daughter has been detected using witchcraft.
Under the Magic: The Gathering Act, she is hereby property of the crown.
What? My daughter isn't a magician.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but she is.
Yes, the moment that she transmuted lead into gold, our palantirs they just went bananas.
I've never seen palantirs go so bananas.
It was the only way.
I just didn't want you to be sad about Grandma.
(gasps) Oh, no.
This is all my fault.
Don't blame yourself, honey.
We're all at fault for doing whatever it takes to make you happy.
- (gasps) - Help! You can't nap my kid! That's kidnapping! Toenail Imprisonum! D'oh! Lisa's magic? Maybe I'm magic, too! Abra-carumba! Yeah, just grab a stick and say a funny word.
Yeah, that's not insulting to us at all.
Please don't take my daughter.
She was only trying to save her grandmother.
She sounds like a wonderful kid.
Now please say good-bye to her forever.
Take a peasant, leave a peasant.
She's gone.
Lisa's gone.
Clip me out of here, Marge.
I'm gonna rescue Lisa if I have to kill every noble in that castle.
But Dad, serfs can't rise up against nobles.
You'd be attacking the system itself.
And nobody loves feudalism more than you.
Son, feudalism is a beautiful vision.
The Bill of No Rights.
One person, no vote.
But I'm willing to betray all that to get my daughter back.
Hey, you mind if I dissolve those? Uh, just checking.
Better to ask.
Better to ask.
Peasants, peons, and distinguished beggars! (chortling) Aren't you tired of the nobles taking the wheat we sow, the yarn we spin, and the wine we steal from travelers we murder on the road? They even take our children.
And not just the worthless Barts, but the magical Lisas.
(all murmuring agreement) If we can put a moon-spangled hat on a man, why can't we kill a bunch of rich jerks and take their stuff?! (all cheering) (grunting) - (grunts) - (squeals) (grunts) (clamoring, shouting) (shouting stops) How are we going to get over these walls? Walls cannot stop us.
The trees will fight with you.
We will never forget your sacrifice.
Sacrifice? We could have torn down the castle walls in five minutes.
(chuckles) Trees can't talk, silly.
(clamoring, shouting) (yelling, grunting) (pig squealing) LISA: Mom! Dad! Help! Milhouses, save your girlfriend! ALL: Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Okay, no, um I'm just a friend who is a girl.
ALL: It's something to build on.
(dragon roars) You peasants are a drag-on the economy.
Oh! I get it.
Because he's riding a dragon! Aah! My love for wordplay is undiminished! - (gasps) Aah! - (screaming) Oh, no! We're losing.
We need to talk.
- Now? - Yes, now.
It's time for me to go.
- (gasps) - Life is about moving forward.
Girls want to be women, women want to be mothers, mothers want to be grandmas, and grandmas want to know what comes next.
But what if I'm not ready? I wouldn't leave you if I didn't know you'll be all right.
Okay, Mom.
I understand.
Maybe I was born a peasant, but I'm going out an ice queen.
(gasps) (groans) Ouch.
Now we won! (all cheering) - Oh! - Mm.
My mom gave her life to save ours.
Take comfort, Marge.
Now she's in the Fields of Bliss.
No, she's in Goblin Money Heaven.
The afterlife is snakes chewing your eyes, but it feels good.
SNERFS: This is our heaven! (sighs): Oh.
Or, as long as Grandma lives on in our hearts, then she's never truly gone.
Until we die.
Then it's like she never existed.
And, someday, no one will remember you.
Or anybody.
All is well the nobles are defeated, the dragon is dead, and I've got a daughter who can turn lead into gold! Ooh.
Um, actually, I can't anymore.
Dragon fire is the source of all magic.
And Grandma killed the last one.
Everything wondrous and extraordinary about our world is going to fade.
(all gasp) But maybe now we can use science to improve our world.
With new technologies, we can put an end to poverty and disease.
Sure, it'll be hard work, but far more rewarding than waving your hand over a rock to change it into gold.
(chuckles) I mean Please come back, magic! Live, damn you, live.
(dragon groans) - (all cheer) - I am risen! But what about science? Oh, sweetie, who would want to live in a world without magic? It would be so boring.
People would have to make up fantasy stories Most of them poorly-written pretenses for explicit sex and violence.
just to escape the tedious real world.
Oh.
That does sound awful.
Look! The dragon is burning our village.
(laughs) I love our life.
Dry your tears A journey's end The saga's done We part as friends We must away We cannot tarry The minstrel's burden Is ours to carry All other stories Will ever pale For we have sung The perfect tale.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Springfield Splendor
The Simpsons s29e02 Episode Script
Springfield Splendor
1 - (eerie music playing) - (clicking) (gasps) 34, 35 37? No! Oh, I have to go all the way around again.
(grunting) (shouting) (panting) I had the locker dream again.
Oh, honey, that's four nights in a row.
Stupid recurring dreams.
Why can't brains come up with something new? That's why they're losing viewers to Netflix.
(snores) Maybe I should talk to a therapist.
Sweetie, our insurance won't pay for any more sessions.
Your father used them all up on grief counseling after the Halloween candy ran out.
I've come to accept that we were lucky to have it while we did.
(sniffles) But I know a cheap place where you can see the therapists of tomorrow today.
Behold, Springfield Community College, where the students practice on you! I only paid a student dentist $12 for this brand-new crown.
See? I don't think it's supposed to come out.
That's why I paid a student paralegal to sue him.
I lost! - (tooth clattering) - (humming) (school bell rings) - Oh, yarr.
- HOMER: Mm.
Yarr! Yarr.
(gulps) TV must be a circle! Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Give him the full flea dip and deluxe under-worming.
I'm not a dog.
And I've been worm-free for two weeks! You better muzzle him.
He's a biter.
(grunting) My name is Annette, and I'm a therapist-in-training.
I'm also a mother-to-be, so I know there's nothing more beautiful than a child's feelings.
You sound so caring and professional.
(quietly): When do I give you the seven dollars? There's a shoebox by the door.
(school bell rings) So what does my locker dream mean? Am I stressed about school? I mean, schools are full of lockers.
Hey, who's the almost-therapist here? (Lisa whimpers) Huh.
Hmm.
Oh.
Ooh.
Huh.
Mm.
You know, I think you might benefit from art therapy.
Ooh! Draw in these empty panels to tell the story of a typical day in the life of you, Sophia Barnum.
Huh? Once again, learn the patient's name.
Sorry, Professor.
Lisa Simpson.
Excellent.
Continue.
Your light's still on.
LISA: Art therapy.
Okay, draw a typical day.
(humming) Ugh! Horrible! It looks like it was drawn by an eight-year-old! (blows) (humming forcefully) Ugh! Oh, boy, I can't wait to take you to the park.
The other owners will be so jealous.
You're not my owner.
Uh, I kinda am.
- (Lisa shouts) - (erasing sounds) - (shouts) - (erasing sounds) (shouts) (Bart whimpering) Mmm.
(grunting) MARGE: Mm.
I'm hearing a lot of feelings in here.
You're hearing them because I am not drawing them! Aw, sweetie, drawing is tricky.
But you just need to start with something simple, like people.
Those are people.
Ooh.
(grunts) It's easy, honey.
Add some eyelashes here, some crosshatching to show shadow, vary the line width here to accent the outline, - and voilÃ ! - (gasps) That's great! Now in the next panel, I want her to be looking out a window, wondering if she'll ever get out from under the weight of her own expectations.
Well, I could make the eyebrows come down in a "V.
" LISA: That says it all.
(Marge grunts) Hey, Mom, what if I told you the things I was feeling and you drew them? Okay.
But I'm warning you, I'm not good at drawing turtle feet.
So if there are any turtles in this, they're gonna be wearing sneakers.
Deal.
It starts with the story of a regular day (jazz playing) - - (groans softly) Gosh, I forgot how hard school can be for a sensitive kid.
It's miserable.
But you captured my feelings perfectly! (horn honks) Annette, wait till you see my art therapy! You're gonna love it, too.
Please try to pretend I'm not here.
Okay, Stephen.
(humming) Hey, where did it go? Best marriage counseling ever.
But we still need to discuss your addiction to unboxing videos.
Do not make me choose between you and unboxing.
Manga! (speaking Japanese) It's been a week, and I still can't find my therapy comic.
I'd be just mortified if even one person saw my private thoughts - (gasps) - Oh! (groans) Mom, can I have permission to swear? Okay, as long as it's a tier one.
Damn it! That didn't work.
Can I go to tier two? - I'm afraid not.
- Damn it! And with that seal cut, we have completed the unboxing of the outer shipping plastic.
Indeed we have.
(door opens, bell jingles) You published my private art therapy as a comic book? Um, actually, it's a graphic novel.
The distinctions are threefold - Shut up! - Okay then.
Um, in my defense, my wife did it.
Kumiko, how could you? I have acted shamefully.
I must commit furry cosplay.
(grunting) Ooh! There's nothing sexy about shame! Except in my native Japan, where it's our whole thing.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Book Guy, you had no right to do this! These are my daughter's feelings.
And my doodles.
I shall burn them on a pyre and disperse them to the seven winds.
That's all I ask.
(door opens, bell jingles) LISA: Hmm? One Sad Girl, please.
Sad Girl's the best! It's tragically delicious! Wait! Maybe this isn't so bad.
(chuckles) (gasping) My Lulus! (indistinct chatter) Ooh, there she is.
Ask for her autograph.
You ask her, man.
I'm freakin' out.
Wow, Lisa, our cartoon book seems to have really captured the What's that word I'm looking for? Zeitgeist! Oh, hi, Mel! Say hi to Barbara for me.
I'm not your messenger boy! (crickets chirping) What's so great about graphic novels? They're just comic books with no superheroes and no cool sound effects like "Thwam!", "Ack-ack-ack-ack!", - and "Fwwwip!" - Snag! (chuckles) Lisa, Kumiko called.
She sold all her copies and wants us to make a sequel! That's like a prequel but in the future.
What do you say, sweetie? Do you have more sad in you? I've got scads of sad! Oh, no, not again There they go With pad and pen Collaboration Ooh, collaboration Collaboration Collaboration.
Okay, now draw me overhearing the other girls talking about how they're not gonna invite me to a birthday party.
Like this? LISA: Fantastic! Now let's take a little break.
And you know what that means.
Hot Sharpie! Hot Sharpie! - Hot Sharpie! - Hot Sharpie! - Hot Sharpie! - Hot Sharpie! (grunts) (Lisa and Marge laugh) - You almost got me! - How come we never bond like that? I don't know, you never make the first move.
Okay.
There is something I've always wanted to do with you.
("The Andy Griffith Show" theme playing) Hey, those guys stole our fishing poles! And my skipping stones! (grunting) - (shouting) - (theme continues) (raccoon trilling) (indistinct chatter) Welcome to "Chicks with Pix," a panel discussion with women writers and artists.
I'm your moderator, Roz Chast.
You may know my New Yorker cartoons that are both funny ha-ha and funny aha.
(laughter) Silence! Joining me today are Alison Bechdel; Marjane Satrapi; and the creators of Sad Girl, Lisa Simpson (cheering and applause) We love you, Lisa! And Marge Simpson.
(scattered applause) FAN GIRL: We're wasting time! Marjane, as the author of Persepolis and someone who grew up in a repressive regime, what advice would you offer to young women? Always remember nothing is more valuable than your own unique voice.
Also, when they promise you a tote bag for doing a panel, make sure it's not just a reusable grocery bag.
Look at this.
Alison Bechdel, recently, a lot of people have been talking about the Bechdel Test.
Exactly what kind of drinking game is that? Actually, it's just an observation I made about how movies and TV rarely show two women talking about something other than a man.
That's so interesting.
I'll have to tell my husband about that.
(booing) (buzzer sounds) MAN (over speaker): Bechdel Test: Fail! - Bechdel, Bechdel - (whistle blows) Bechdel, fail! Fail! - Fail.
- (whistle blows) Okay.
We have five minutes before we have to clear the room for the "White Men in Comics" panel.
I have a question for Lisa.
I have a question for Lisa with a follow-up for Lisa.
I want to talk about myself for a few minutes, then at the end, pretend it was all a question for Lisa.
Does anyone have any questions for my mom? She does draw every panel.
Yeah, I have a question for Marge.
How lucky are you to work with Lisa? AUDIENCE (chanting): Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! MAN: Lisa win! Marge fail.
(pencil scratching) Honey, I was thinking.
What if we did a chapter from the mom's point of view? I took a stab at writing it up.
Give it a read.
In front of you? Um, okay.
Mmm.
(groans) (chuckles) What are you laughing at? You left out a word here, so it just says, "I lonely.
" So should I start drawing it? Well, there's a lot of great stuff here.
Really? Because that's what I was going for.
But I'm not sure this is a Sad Girl thing.
Maybe it's a separate book and I could write the forward.
Oh, I get it.
This isn't a real collaboration at all.
You agree with those girl fanboys.
You think it's all about you.
Hey, you can't blame me if people want to focus on my contribution.
I can and I do.
I hate to say it, Mom, but maybe we should take a break.
Good idea.
Hot Sharpie.
No.
I mean, maybe we should take a real break.
- You mean? - That's right.
I want to see other illustrators.
- (Homer grunts) - (Marge growls) - I don't even know how you could - Stupid Lisa.
- Say that.
It's my vision.
- She's acting like a real B.
Ladies, there's someone here to see you.
(slurping) My name is Guthrie Frenel, visionary theatrical director and impish genius.
And I want to make Sad Girl into a smash Broadway show.
(gasps) I think he came in through the window.
- (laughing): Oh, tubby, you're a delight.
- (Homer whimpers) You want to make Sad Girl into a stage musical? If I may borrow a phrase from my father, woo-hoo! This is all very exciting, but before we go any further And I ask this just for clarification - What's your deal, weirdo? - Dad.
Guthrie Frenel is a visionary director and an impish genius.
He did a version of Waiting for Godot - where Godot appears in the first scene.
- What? And that was nothing compared to my vision for Sad Girl.
I want to do something new and amazing, like my all-dog version of Cats.
But I need something from you.
- Anything.
- I need your passion.
I need your joy.
Are we all together for this three-person toboggan ride down Mount Collabor-manjaro? Well, Lisa and I did just have a little spat.
Yeah, but conflict is part of the creative process, right? Not in my experience! So are you in? - Yes.
- Absolutely.
Oh, this is gonna take hours.
(grunting) Bart, there's one thing I know about Broadway shows, they always make money.
So I'm already looking forward to quitting my job.
Can I quit school? I'd be a pretty lousy dad if I said no.
It's our duty as artists to rip up the contract between audience and performers.
Cell phones will be turned on.
Candy will be unwrapped during the show.
We'll hire performance artists to make the line for the ladies room extra long.
(grunts) Um, how closely are we gonna stick to the story from my graphic novel? Oh, yes, story.
All the gimmicky stagecraft in the world ain't worth a tinker's damn without a compelling human story at the center.
Your story, the unique expression - of your heart and soul - Mm-hmm.
Will be neatly summed up - in the narrator's first speech.
- Huh? Once that's out of the way, we can explore the dazzling visual buffet of Marge Simpson.
Now feast.
(chomping) Pass the wonderment, please, but save room for the Tonys.
Oh, my God.
It's just how I drew it.
It's your artistic vision writ large.
Or should I say, writ Marge? You should.
He really shouldn't.
(gasps) MARGE: It's all in my style.
Mom, he's ignoring my story and making this all about your drawings.
I know.
(sighs) I'm sorry, Lisa.
But I can't help it if he wants to focus on the visual part of (gasps) Oh, my God.
It's Bart and Grampa.
But they aren't even in my book.
And where am I? Where is Sad Girl? Sad Girl will be represented by a voiceless red light projected into an empty seat in the balcony.
Bold, no? But how will they know it's supposed to be me? - Storytelling.
- (screaming) LISA: Ugh.
That impish genius is really cheesing me off.
All he's kept from Sad Girl is Mom's drawings, when it's supposed to be about my writing and my feelings.
Oh, I'm so sick of children's feelings.
"Feed me.
" "Burp me.
" "Don't sleep for six years.
" You're forgetting the boundary between patient and therapist.
And you're forgetting that you did this to me! Let me tell you something, Lisa.
When you give birth to something, you have no control over what it turns into.
All you can do is surrender to the nightmare.
(laughing): Sorry.
I'm just so happy.
(laughing, then crying) Never do this.
MARGE: Here they are.
The official Sad Girl: The Theater Experience T-shirts.
$45 in the lobby, of which we keep $1.
35.
Oh, baby, we can use that money to buy a sailboat with a double-ended spinnaker pole.
- (whistles) - Oh, ho-ho.
Looks good.
I like it.
I like everything.
Really? You seemed a little cheesed off earlier.
A mother notices.
Mom, Sad Girl was like our baby.
And you can't control what your kid turns into.
If it becomes a successful show, that'll be good for our family.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sit on a swing alone.
- Oh, okay.
- (door closes) Hello, Coast Guard? Get ready to search for my body in about a month.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
(gasps) Oh.
(indistinct chatter) (instruments warming up) - So you're okay with this? - Sure.
It's an honor to have something based on your life.
Even if it's nothing like your life at all.
Sad Girl (woman screams) What the hell does any of this mean? What? You don't get this? It's so stimulating and I love it.
(screams) - What is that?! - (growling): D'oh! (cheering) Uh, Guthrie, is it possible we strayed a skoosh too far from what Lisa's book is about? Marge, this isn't You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.
Or even my production of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown, set in a doomed Soviet submarine.
This is avant-garde theater, and it is electric.
(mimics electricity zapping) Okay, I guess.
Oh, Lisa.
I'm so sorry.
Hmm.
(grunts) There, honey.
Now you're back in our show.
What the? That's not one of my brain babies.
(light squeaking) Ah! Ow.
(alarmed chatter) Ah! Which one of us is me? (alarmed cries) - (explosion) - (screaming) Run for your cultural lives! I'm haunted my visions of Milhouse.
Ah! (indistinct chatter) (marker squeaking) (slurping) And now to read the reviews.
"Greatest" I like where this is going.
"disaster in theater history.
" Oh, those sons of Bs.
Honey, I'm sorry I let Guthrie make the play all about my drawings, and also terrible.
And I'm sorry I wasn't more open to your creative input.
I blame both of you for this disaster.
More wine! I've got another project for us to collaborate on.
Getting your dad in a cab.
Hello, Coast Guard? I'm gonna live.
- (upbeat piano music playing) - - (saxophone solo playing) - Well, I still think it's good.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Whistler's Father
The Simpsons s29e03 Episode Script
Whistler's Father
1 (CHOIR SINGING BACKWARDS) (MUFFLED SCREAM) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) (BELCHES) - (WORK WHISTLE BLOWS) - (SCREAMS) (SUCKING) (CONVEYOR BEEPING) (PLAYS JAZZ MELODY) (BRAKES SQUEAL) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (SUCKING) - Homer.
- Hey.
- Homer.
- Huh? What? - I'll be right home.
- You are home.
(WHOOPS, SNORES) Homer.
Homer, wake up, please.
I can't sleep.
I'm having friends over tomorrow.
- Luann Van Houten.
- Back-stabber.
- Bernice Hibbert.
- Snob.
And Helen Lovejoy.
Okay, she's pretty hot.
I mean, hot for a reverend's wife, but so judgmental.
(SIGHS) I was going to ask you if you could watch Maggie.
Oh, yeah, of course.
What do you suspect? - (GULPS) - (SUCKS) Isn't this great? Daddy-baby alone time.
Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
(SQUEALS AND LAUGHS) - Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
- (SIGHS) - Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
- Meh.
- Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
Oh, you're sick of it already? I was gonna do different people.
Peek-a-boo-ooh! (WITH BRITISH ACCENT): I'm afraid, Master Wayne, it's time for peek-a-boo.
Ah, come on.
Nothing? Babies love Michael Caine.
What to do? What to do? What to do.
What to do.
Mags, I'll level with you.
I love you, kiddo, but we are in two completely different worlds.
- (GULPS) - (SUCKS) - More lemonade, ladies? - No, thank you.
I've had better lemonade at Ralph Wiggum's stand.
And he stirs it with his finger.
(LAUGHING) So we've been asked to redecorate the school room where the kids wait when their ride is late.
I have some ideas.
Marge, you have many wonderful talents, but your sense of style is, uh - One of them? - I'm afraid not.
Purple and orange cupboards, oh, corncob curtains, rabbit ears on the TV.
It's like we're visiting the Flintstones.
(LAUGHING) Well, since you don't like my style, maybe I should show you the door.
You mean the brown door next to the hot pink walls.
Just like at the circus.
Well, an elephant does live here.
An elephant? You're calling my husband an elephant? HOMER: Marge, we got any more peanuts? (GROANING): Oh, Homer.
Hmm.
No.
(WHISTLING) What the? (WHISTLING) Is it that bird? (WHISTLING) - Marge! Are you making tea? - MARGE: Yes.
- Whew.
- MARGE: Iced tea.
(WHIMPERING): What the hell? (WHISTLING CONTINUES) RADIO ANNOUNCER: This is WHIS.
Whistling at you all day and night.
WHIS, The Whistle.
Ah.
Whistling format radio.
- (WHISTLING CONTINUES) - Huh? Where is that whistling coming from? (WHISTLES) Maggie? (WHISTLES) (WHISTLES) It is you! It's so odd I'm a terrible whistler.
- Always have been.
- (SAD WHISTLE) There must be a reason you were given this gift.
(GASPS) It's to make people think I can whistle.
(WHISTLING "1812 OVERTURE") AUDIENCE (CHANTING): Homer! Homer! Homer! And now I will perform "Flight of the Bumblebee.
" (WHISTLING "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE") Who was that president? He looked pretty generic.
I do too have taste.
- I'm afraid not.
- (GROWLS) Corncob curtains.
Mom, what's wrong? Why aren't you answering me? I'm right here.
Honey, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I'll show them.
I'll make a late pickup room like that school has never seen.
That'll be easy, there's never been one.
(BRAKES SQUEAL) Well, what do you think of my late pickup room? It's wonderful.
Hard to believe it's the same room they found all those dead rats in.
(LAUGHS) Well, maybe you can fool the Hibberts, but to me, this is the work of a Genius.
Salud.
(GIGGLES) Well, gee.
Guess who got a job today.
- You? - Nope.
The guy who went in after me.
I-I totally set him up.
Listen, I recently purchased the old post office to renovate.
Would you like to be my interior decorator? Well, ladies.
Looks like someone appreciates me The one man in town who trims his nails.
Is one of them giving you trouble? There's no room in the trunk, boss.
- Bodies? - No.
Bottled water and toilet paper, remember? We made that Costco run.
(BEAUTIFULLY WHISTLING "OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM") Now do it backwards.
(WHISTLING SAME TUNE BACKWARDS) Now sideways.
Hey, come on.
She's just a baby.
Who is? Uh, my talent.
Makes sense.
Well, well, well.
Seems like my no-talent son can suddenly whistle.
Tell me, Homer, how'd you trill that high "C" with your lips in second position? (WHISTLING) Oh, it's amazing.
She's got my whistling gene, all right.
Which, unfortunately, skips a generation.
I hope it works out better for you than it did for me.
I was booked on the top whistling show on radio, Your Blow of Blows, with Sid Wheezer.
(APPLAUSE) Good evening, folks.
Sid Wheezer here, sipping a delicious Buzz Cola.
(FIZZING, LIQUID POURING, CYMBAL CRASHES) Ah, refreshing.
Keep polio at bay, the Buzz Cola way.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, thanks a lot.
Our next act is a swell kid from right here in Springfield.
His hobby is straightening elbow macaroni.
(CHUCKLES) Let's here it for Little Abraham Simpson.
(APPLAUSE) (WHISTLES A TUNE) GRAMPA: Then I got cocky.
Tried a little stunt called the Triple Windy.
(WHISTLING "HEART AND SOUL" IN HARMONY) - (RIPPING) - (GASPING) GRAMPA: Blew out the ligaments in my lips.
Had to hire guys to kiss my girlfriend.
It was a good deal.
I'd pay for five minutes, but it would go on for hours.
When the time was right, I'd make my move.
But this little magpie, she's got my gift.
And now she's going into showbiz.
Couldn't showbiz screw her up? You know, like it did Ron Howard? He hasn't won an Oscar since 2002.
Oh, please, son, do this for me.
Dad, you should not live your life through your granddaughter.
(WHISTLING "HEART AND SOUL" IN HARMONY) You poor guy.
She'll do it.
(BIRDS CHIRPING, SQUAWKING) Okay, Maggie.
Time to learn a happy tune from these imprisoned birds.
(WHISTLES) (WHISTLES SAME TUNE) Man, Maggie's talented, Lisa's talented.
- What am I good at? - The birds love ya.
Well, yeah, but they also love Grampa.
Go ahead, but my blood's turned to bile from watching Fox News.
(SHRIEKS, THUD) (LAUGHS) This is my new property, the original Springfield Post Office, jewel of the implosion district.
(RUMBLING) You'll get used to that.
We'll definitely want to try to keep the original facade.
Yes, indeed.
I'm all about keeping up facades.
Is it okay if I take some foundation measurements? Of course.
In case she sees something she shouldn't, have a hood ready.
(GUN HAMMERS CLICK) - (GUNSHOT) - (GASPS) Idiota! You whack who you shouldn't, and you don't whack who you should.
(SIGHS) Is this about your brother again? (UPBEAT SHOWBIZ MUSIC PLAYING) You're gonna love this baby! - She whistles! - This I gotta hear Not because I am looking forward to it, but because it is my job.
- (WHISTLES CIRCUS MUSIC) - Fantastic talent! Now, move along I have a heart attack at 4:00.
And here it comes.
Ooh! Oy vey! ("THE SIMPSONS THEME" PLAYS) You sit on it, you bought it.
Due! Can you picture this water feature at the back wall of the foyer? My sainted mother shared your gift.
Where others saw only an empty Chianti bottle, she saw a candle holder.
We would have to rip out some walls.
Done.
You won't be seeing those walls no more.
Why do these guys come with us for everything? Have you noticed how we are not dead? That is mostly due to them.
Give the wall job to the Palermo brothers.
Tell them to make it look like an accident.
We'll make that wall dig its own grave.
(SOMEONE WHISTLING ARPEGGIOS) (WHISTLED ARPEGGIOS CONTINUE) What's that whistling? You know what they say in a marriage, don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.
That's what they say to defense attorneys.
Marge, how would you feel if I kept a big secret from you? How would you feel if I kept a big secret from you? - Good night.
- Good night.
(SOMEONE WHISTLING ARPEGGIOS) (WHISTLING ARPEGGIOS) Maggie, you can whistle? (WHISTLES ARPEGGIO) (GASPS) You're gifted, too! Maybe more gifted! No, no, I will not get caught in that trap that only one of us is good.
We could both be good, like the South Park guys.
Except Trey does everything.
Trey does everything! (PANTING) (MAGGIE WHISTLES ARPEGGIO) Diva.
This little piggy went to Broadway.
This little piggy worked with Stallone.
This little piggy got a Showtime special! - (LAUGHING) - (SQUEALING HAPPILY) I'm a great father.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Hollywood Nightmares, - What?! - Child stars, prison bars.
- (PRISON BARS CLACK) - Ooh! At three months old, Skyler Green could already patty-cake.
By age one, she was the opening act for Frank Sinatra Jr.
Jr.
III.
But after a disastrous Super Bowl halftime show that left Jacksonville's EverBank Field in ruins, Skyler's life would spin out of control.
She began a downward spiral, woke up too many mornings with stuffed animals whose names she didn't know, and she was arrested twice for former cuteness, under the Scott Baio Law.
Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man, bake me a train wreck just as fast as you can.
Oh, my God.
Am I doing this for you, or because it makes me feel good? A showbiz kiss! There's nothing more sincere than that.
We'll do it! (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) Marge, I love what you've done here.
It's as much "Mwah!" as it is "Ey! Whoa!" It certainly was a challenge so many bedrooms.
You must be expecting a lot of sleepover guests.
Is she, er, uh, one of the, uh? No, no.
She's the decorator.
But I can get one like her.
Add it to my customer profile.
Er, uh, yes.
Dim lighting, honky-tonk piano Anthony D'Amico, what is the repute of this house? Ill.
Our top story you didn't see me.
This is John Doe saying "Good night.
" Why is everyone being so weird? Did the principal call? 'Cause he's got nothing to call about.
(PHONE BUZZES) (ANIMAL GROWLING) I can't keep this mountain lion in my bedroom forever, Bart.
Just four more days.
(MOUNTAIN LION YOWLS) So listen, uh, I'm gonna take Maggie out for a walk.
These spray-on boas are such a time-saver.
(SPRAY CAN HISSES) HOMER: Oh, God, that's good.
Seems like everybody's got a secret but us, huh, guys? ANNOUNCER: Tonight, see Maggie Simpson, the Unborn Comic, The Umbilical Chords and the Pixie Chicks.
And now your host, Sedgwick the Personality! Welcome to whatever this is.
Now, let's meet our judges.
NBA star and host of Flip That Igloo, Muk Mu! Peace.
Former Hot Tots champion, Baby Dimples Riskind! And robotic-themed DJ Der Zip-Zorp! (BEEPING) You had lunch, didn't you? I gave you a 2:00 a.
m.
curfew for a reason! Shut up! (GROANS) Where's denial when you need it? Maggie, this is no place for you.
I'm taking you where you can be a kid again Moe's.
Oh, I've created a monster! I've placated a monster! Oh Marge Simpson, are the rumors true? Did you corncob a cathouse? It's not that.
I sure love that new whorehouse smell.
Marge, I never thought someone could sink this town lower, but you have.
You lied to me! You may scare these guys, but to me, you're just a big fat liar! Whoa.
Nobody calls Fat Tony fat! Nobody! In the old country, only two were allowed to speak truth to the Don His capo and his interior decorator.
You are lucky.
Now, please leave.
The launch party is tonight.
The Grey Goose people are bringing a big ice thing.
Well, Anthony, not knowing what I was designing for, there's something I didn't tell you.
Your mother had a post office box at this office.
I don't know whether to believe you.
Oh, looks like a letter from the pope.
You have surrounded a blessed letter to your mother with a bordello! That's it! Shut it down! Apologize to our dear friends at Grey Goose.
So, what are you going to do with my work? A little "Italian lightning" for insurance purposes.
And that is the last question of yours we will ever answer.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Simpson.
Can't you at least wait until I'm out of the building? I'm sorry, I get nervous, I do dumb things.
Maybe it's because I'm wearing a wire.
Uh-oh.
Now, put your hands together for the one who's going to win.
Whoops.
That's supposed to be a secret.
Nothing I can do in one moment, Maggie will stop being my little baby and belong to the world.
I remember her when she was just a bit of bad news.
Time for the greatest glory there is reflected.
AUDIENCE: Aw (SPUTTERING, TUNELESS BLOWING) (BLOWS, GRUNTS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, come on, I'm cheating on my wife to see this? (BLOWING RASPBERRIES, WHEEZING) Look! She's got a tooth coming in! That's the kiss of death for a whistler.
Give me a string and a doorknob! That baby is naught but an overly dramatic, boring windbag! A windbag that yields no succor! In sum, a nothing! (BEEPING) (AUDIENCE BOOING LOUDLY) What? They're booing my Maggie? This is the sweetest little girl in the world.
Nice try, but no hook can fit me.
This little angel never makes a fuss.
She always shares her baby food, and she makes even a despicable show like this seem sweet! Hey, pal, this is a talent show for babies.
We ain't goin' for sweet.
The only thing that's been worth it about this experience is that I got to spend time with this little girl.
And that's the tooth! HOMER: Good night, my little star.
And if you have another amazing talent, for the love of God, don't tell anybody.
Nighty-night.
Okay, so I'll never enter Maggie into another contest without telling you, and you'll never design another sex palace for the Mob.
Agreed.
No more secrets from each other.
(YAWNS) No more secrets.
(SNORING) (MUMBLES) Are you letting out my pants? I'm afraid so.
I'm not really a size 32? (HOMER CRIES)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Treehouse of Horror XXVIII
The Simpsons s29e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXVIII
1 (THUNDER RUMBLING) I'm scared, Mom.
What if they take me? Don't worry, Barterfinger.
You're always the last.
Even boxes of stale raisins go before you, Butterfinger I mean, Barterfinger.
(GASPS) No one ever wants the apple.
They must be afraid there's a razor blade in me.
Yeah.
That's the reason.
Maybe you'll be dipped in caramel.
Oh, whoop-dee-doo.
(ALL GASPING) What the Where am I going? You're going to heaven, Dad.
GRAMPA: Those pearly gates look a lot like teeth! Change is always hard.
Well, I guess that (GRAMPA SCREAMING) Cigarette breath! Oh, thank God.
We made it through the night.
And now you're on a high shelf, where they'll forget about you forever! (CRYING): Why won't the earth take me? I hear you, my friend.
Mmm, candy.
Homer, no! Don't be silly, honey.
Chocolate doesn't feel anything.
No! God, no! Dad! I can't listen to this horror! Okay, I'm on it.
(SCREAMS STOPS ABRUPTLY) Thank you.
(CHEWING NOISILY) (THE EXORCIST THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CRASHES) It's here! Maggie's first Pazuzu! Your father ordered this because Mm, why did you order this? I thought it was pizza.
Yeah, I'll send it back tomorrow.
Tonight we have a cocktail party.
And we came early.
And I left my face on your hand towel.
(MARGE GRUMBLES) Hmm.
(HUMMING A MELODY) (GROANS) Don't worry, Maggie.
While Mommy and Daddy carouse downstairs, you'll be here in the dark with Pazuzu! (TO "WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING): When Pazuzu's eyes Are glaring It's time to go to bed You'll see demon shadows fighting But it's just inside your head When Pazuzu's eyes are staring The moonlight will turn red 'Cause Pazuzu's in your nightmares Until we all Are dead.
Sweet dreams, Maggie.
Don't let the Beelzebubs bite.
(DOOR CREAKS) - (PIANO PLAYING) - (LIVELY CHATTER) Nobody's eating my chowder.
Maybe I can take it back home with me.
Maggie, sweetie, you should be in bed.
(DEMONIC VOICE): No one leaves alive.
Ooh, her first words! Did someone get that on their phone? LENNY: Aw, she's got red eye.
She's a demon from hell! Also, generic cola? Really? (CHUCKLES) Cocktail fail.
(GROANS) Thank you.
(ALL SCREAMING) (CELL DOOR SLAMS) Well, at least we still got the liquor.
(WHINES, GRUNTS) (GURGLES) Ah, my chowder! Someone's starting the terrible twos.
(CHUCKLES) (DEMONIC VOICE): Someone's having an affair with his nurse.
- Say "ah.
" - A dulterer.
179? I (GRUNTS) (CHOKING LAUGH) I'm afraid that little devil needs an exorcism.
I'm afraid they didn't teach me those at Pepperdine.
Bible ribbons, that'll hold her.
(GRUNTING) - (GROANS) - (TOY SIREN WAILING) Oh, good, the police are here.
(CHOKES) (OWL HOOTS) When is that exorcist gonna get here? Marge, we'll be fine.
Maggie just learned what a circle is.
HOMER: Okay, whoever she stops at has to change her diaper, which appears to contain flaming lava.
MARGE: Oh, you just never want to change a diaper.
(HOMER WHIMPERS) I'll handle this.
- (GASPS) - (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (MUFFLED GIBBERISH) (LOSING BREATH) Oops.
Sorry about that.
First thing, we'll see just how powerful our demon here truly is.
The chicken goes (DEMONIC ROARING) Well, there's only one answer here, - cut her loose! - Are you sure? If you can't trust a Catholic priest with a child, who can you trust? (MARGE GROANS) By the power of Christ, I say devil be out! That's all you've got? Well, I say it three times.
This guy's good.
Devil be out! I am Pazuzu, demon of the southwest wind.
Wait, wait, so you're not even as powerful as the south wind or the west wind? How lame is that? I used to be very important.
Google it.
- Devil be out! - (THUNDER CRASHES) Google it! Your baby is saved.
Fantastic.
She's not going to be a religious weirdo, is she? - No.
- Fantastic.
Now hush.
Pazuzu is still among us.
But where? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! (GASPS) Bart? (DEMONIC VOICE): Let me out, let me out! This boy has the darkest soul I've ever seen.
It's worse than working for David Schwimmer! Yo, Pazuzu, grow me some horns.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) Those aren't horns, those are nubs.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no! (NASALLY): Well, at least it'll get me out of jury duty.
Lisa, Lisa wants a better life Lisa, Lisa, go under the knife Homer, Homer got a button wife.
So, anyone want to pick up litter at the park today? How about you, Maggie? She's still got a touch of Pazuzu.
At least she never threw up.
(DEMONIC RETCHING) That's just great.
Everywhere but the sink.
(GROANS) Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong family.
(CAT MEOWING) Oh? Hey, Mr.
Cat.
What are you playing with? A secret door? We don't have smoke alarms, but we have this? HOMER (IN DISTANCE): Smoke is its own alarm.
No, no, Snowball, come back! It's too dangerous! Sometimes tiny doors lead to big opportunities.
- (GASPS) You could talk? - Indeed.
For centuries, the cat has been the symbol of intelligence, the other world savoir faire Ooh, shiny! Oh, there it is.
Where'd it go? There it is.
Where'd it go? There it is.
Where'd it go? (CLEARS THROAT) Enough.
Let's go meet your other family.
(GASPS) Other family? Already the talking cat isn't the most interesting thing.
- (DOOR CREAKS) - (LISA GASPS) Whoa! For a Halloween show middle segment, this is amazing.
- (HOMER HUMMING A MELODY) - (BART CHEWING NOISILY) Every girl's dream, a perfect family.
(SCREAMS) Good morning, sleepyhead.
For breakfast, tofu or kale? Oh, that's nice.
But what's with the button eyes? We don't all have button eyes, silly.
Some have button mouths.
(MUFFLED): What's up?! Lisa, would you like to jam with us? You like jazz? (LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) You're all good, but not better than me.
I wish I could stay forever.
Oh, but you can.
All right.
Let me guess.
Do you have to sew buttons over my eyes? Don't worry, sugar plum, we'll give you a button to bite on while we sew 'em on.
- (SCREAMS) - Hold steady.
(PANTING) Oh, sweetie, you're just in time.
I killed a snake with your saxophone and Can you blow its head out? Here, let me just wipe the blood off the mouthpiece.
Buttons, please.
Hmm, something's missing.
Didn't we have a kid between Bart and the baby? Little smarty pants, plays the flute, I think.
Lisa.
She's been gone for days.
And the police have been no help.
That's not true.
I helped you reassemble that high chair.
Damn it! (WIGGUM GRUNTING) Well, we got two kids now, so no favoritism.
Maggie will get Lisa's room, Maggie will get Lisa's clothes, Bart will get Lisa's homework.
Cowabunga! (MARGE HUMMING) (GASPS) Bart! How'd you find me? I had an informant.
I know, he can talk.
He can? I just followed him in.
Oh, God.
Now I'll have to talk to him.
Uh, I don't think he's coming back.
How can you be so calm? I bore both those children.
Hey, your stories aren't great, but I wouldn't call them boring.
(GROANS): Oh.
I'm going in there now.
You really did it this time, Homer.
You lost your family.
Wait, you can speak on this side? Yes, I just don't like to.
Makes the dog feel inferior.
(WHINING BARK) All right.
(GRUNTING) Oh! So tight.
Why did I eat that second lunch at lunch? Someone kick me in the ass! (GRUNTS) Thank you! What is it about this world that's so great? The Homer in this world doesn't pass gas.
That was a three-button job.
Would you like to have two eyes? We can talk to each other while you watch TV.
Just what Homer needs, an excuse to get lazier.
Why, you little I'll lazy you, you otherworldly - What the - That was my Bart! Boy, sure is hard to see with buttons on your eyes.
D'oh! (GASPS) You killed my husband! HOMER: Spider wife, dead son, two girls with button eyes? I think this marriage has finally gotten out of its rut.
(VACUUM WHIRRING) Yep, I got everything just the way I want it, including an extra me to go to parent-teacher conferences.
Oh! Bart drew this picture of his family.
Now we're getting visits from a social worker and an exterminator.
I'll be ready.
- (GUNSHOT) - (CHAIN SAW BUZZES) And I've learned, no matter how bad things are, they can get much, much worse.
(MUFFLED): Huh, you're telling me.
Haw haw.
(INSTRUMENTS WARMING UP) - (CLEARS THROAT) - (INSTRUMENTS STOP) No one will be seated during the third act of this Halloween show.
What you're about to see is so disgusting you'll watch Game of Thrones to calm down.
You have been warned.
Man, am I jealous of you guys.
Two weeks in Lima, Ohio, with Patty and Selma while I'm stuck here working.
It's gonna be lonely.
So lonely.
Well, if you really want us to stay We've already kissed good-bye and the car heard it! (TIRES SCREECHING) They're gone.
Not a second to waste.
(LAUGHING) (TO "ON THE ROAD AGAIN"): Left alone again Yes, I'm eating provolone again Food just tastes better in the bathroom now and then I just love being left alone again Left alone for days I ate two dozen bags of Frito-Lays I'm gonna brush my teeth with mayonnaise Now my sweat tastes just like doughnut glaze.
(SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) Not a single morsel in the house! (GASPS) A forgotten hot dog.
Oh, you're shivering.
I'll take care of that.
(TO "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"): Happy birthday to meat I can't wait to eat.
- Now to slit it down the middle.
- (DOG BARKS) I'm not splitting it with you.
I'm just teaching you how it's done.
(BARKS) (GROANS) Still frozen.
(SCREAMS) My finger! My hot dog! (SIZZLING) My finger! My poor (MOANING) delicious finger.
(SNIFFS) Wait a minute.
I can't eat my own finger.
It's unholy.
Also, it's not quite done.
But sometimes a man has to do the unthinkable, like eat something medium-rare.
Oh! (FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING) - (TO "HALLELUJAH CHORUS") - Hey, you ate you You tasted great, you Hey, you ate you, hey, you ate you You cooked and ate you.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Hmm? Hmm.
(HUMS SOFTLY) Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
It makes complete sense.
I eat more and exercise less than the most succulent pig.
Of course I'm delicious! But I must never eat me again.
Never! On the other hand is my other finger.
And one thing I love is consistency.
(HUMMING "HALLELUJAH CHORUS") Hey, there, Homer Aloner.
In the absence of the missus, you want something delicious? (SIGHS) Don't worry, I'll be back.
(WHEELS SQUEAKING) Oh.
Ooh, yuck.
Oh, disgusting.
Homer Simpson, you don't like steak anymore? Actually, I've become a bit of a me-gan.
Do you have any spaghetti with my-balls? Uh, meatballs? "Me-gan? My-balls?" Are you eating forbidden fruit? Fruit? Ugh.
Sorry, Flanders, but I've got more delicious meat in my little finger than you have on this whole picnic table.
Speaking of which ("BUSTIN' LOOSE" BY REBIRTH BRASS BAND PLAYING) Whoo Whoo.
I have really gone to a lot of trouble not to leave the house.
MARGE (IN DISTANCE): Homie, we're home! (SHRIEKS) What's with the gloves? Uh, I was watching Breakfast at Tiffany's, and I thought I could be more elegant.
Elegant? With your waistline? I don't think so.
Actually, Homer, you look like you've lost 20 pounds.
Well, I have been cutting back.
That means something different to me than you.
What's wrong with your leg? Nothing.
It was perfect.
(MARGE GRUMBLES) (WHIRRING IN DISTANCE) (GROANING) Homie, you shouldn't be snacking in the middle of the night.
It can't be good for your (MARGE SCREAMS) This is, without question, the worst moment of our entire marriage.
- What about - This is worse.
Opa! HOMER: Marge, I admit it, this is a rough patch.
But I know when to stop.
And when would that be? When you're just a mouth? You see how she is, Doc? Always negative.
She makes me feel like nothing.
You are almost nothing! Almost nothing.
Homer, have you considered your wife's feelings? Perhaps she takes this new diet of yours as a comment on her cooking.
Marge? I won't deny that's a part of it.
See? Progress.
Now, excuse me.
I need to go get famous talking about you.
Homie, I'm afraid this is it.
Your self-destructive behavior has gone too far.
(MUFFLED): But, Marge Good-bye, my love.
(SOBBING) Maybe, deep down, that's why I ate myself Because I hate myself.
MAN: Sounds like someone had a breakthrough.
Hi.
I'm famous cooker-upper Mario Batali.
- You mean "chef"? - I don't care for that term.
Well, I know I don't belong in therapy, but why are you? I got depressed because I ran out of exciting new ingredients.
Homer, we need to talk.
Could we wok and talk? Well, sure.
(SIGHS) HOMER: My dearest family, I love you so much.
And I think I've found a way to earn your forgiveness.
Please come home.
Come home to flavor.
He wanted me to pass on these final words.
"I've failed as a man, but I have succeeded as an ingredient.
" I call the brain! (SIGHS): Ah.
He's gone.
Well, I guess I can be proud that he succeeded at something.
Oh, it's a lot more than something.
Homer's the biggest thing in food since free refills.
(SLURPING) (TO "HALLELUJAH CHORUS"): Hey, you ate you You tasted great, you Hey, you ate you, hey, you ate you You cooked and ate you.
How did they get so much meat out of Homer? Well, they mixed in some Barney, Comic Book Guy and horse.
Horse?! Do you know what it's like to have everyone eat of your body? Yeah, like, every Sunday, pal.
(MUNCHING) Uh, you know, you don't get more of those.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Grampy Can Ya Hear Me
The Simpsons s29e05 Episode Script
Grampy Can Ya Hear Me
1 [BART CHOKING LOUDLY] [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [YELLS] [BEEPS] [PLAYING ARPEGGIOS] - [HORN HONKS] - [GRAMPA YELLS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [KNOCK ON DOOR] [WIND WHISTLES] ["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING] [OLD-TIMEY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] [MAN GROANS] [LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] [UPBEAT ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING] [THE SIMPSONS THEME PLAYING] [WARBLING ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING] D'oh! Great birthday trip.
One more thing to remind me of my insignificance.
[GRAMPA GROANS] Two adults, one student, one boy who just phones it in, and a senior citizen veteran on his birthday.
Oh, and I'd like to apply my astronaut discount.
I'll need to see your diaper.
Typical cheapskate Homer.
Taking all the fun out of turning 87.
Get this stupid party hat off me! - What the ? - Oh, I'll fix it.
[GRAMPA GROANS] Woo-hoo! 182! Homer, that's your weight on the moon.
[SHRIEKS] PLUTO [DISTORTED]: I used to be a planet.
Then one day they called and said it was over.
It's over when I say it's over! So sad.
But I'll be back.
I'm working on some stuff.
Let's just say you might not be seeing Halley's Comet no more.
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY INSIDE] Losers.
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: Forged in a nanosecond in the Big Bang, our universe is so enormous, every NFL stadium could fit inside it.
And their parking lots.
[CROWD OOHING, GASPING] When's this show gonna start? It has started.
[STAMMERS] How can it have started if I'm talking? Wouldn't that bother everyone? Quiet! I can't hear the Big Bang! NARRATOR: Approximately 13.
8 billion years ago - [GASPS] Billion? - the universe consisted of a tiny singularity of enormous mass, which suddenly burst forth in the greatest explosion ever.
- [EXPLOSION] - Fire in the theater! No! Your pupils aren't ready for Earth light! [CROWD SCREAMS, GASPS] Damn it, I was developing film! [JAZZ BAND PLAYING "IN THE MOOD" OVER STEREO] Turn it up! I can't hear it! Louder! Keep it down! [TIRES SCREECH, MUSIC STOPS] Mm, happy birthday.
I never want to hear that again! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you.
Say my name, you cowards! Make a wish, party popper.
Okay, I will.
[MAN GROANS] That was a coincidence.
I got you the one birthday present you can really use.
A call girl that kills me after? - A hearing aid.
- A hearing aid? Forget it.
People will think I'm old, dadgummit.
You are old.
You've lived long enough to see your prejudiced attitudes come back into fashion.
Lousy Greeks.
- [BIRD CHIRPING] - [GRAMPA GASPS] [WIND WHISTLING] [BINGO BALLS CLACKING] [NEEDLES CLICKING] [MAN SNORING] [LOUD DRIPPING] - [CHIRPING] - [LAUGHS] Thank you.
Bart! Bart! Wake up.
- Yo.
What's up? - Listen.
The planetarium said the universe is 13.
8 billion years old.
But I turned in a paper where I said million! What do you want from me? [SNAKE RATTLES] I was just wondering if you were planning on breaking into the school anytime soon.
You know, like, maybe tonight.
Nope.
Not till next month.
Please.
I'll do your homework! Sounds like you can't even do your own homework.
- Ouch.
- Yeah, you think about that while I'm breaking you into the school.
Hmm.
MARGE: Who's breaking into the school? Bart's just talking in his sleep! MARGE: I believe that.
Trust you.
Good night! How did you know this door was broken? Eh, Willie keeps me posted.
I keep him in licorice.
[GRUNTS] Willie's riding the red pony tonight.
[MOANING] Look who's got pumpkin stickers! Bart, those are for Halloween.
Also Thanksgiving if there's some left over.
Whoa! Where has this been all my life? Come on, let's go! Okay.
You fixed your stupid paper, and I scored the teacher's nicotine gum.
She does that so she doesn't smell like cigarettes, you know.
Yeah, and she should also get some booze gum.
[MECHANICAL BUZZING] What's that? Maybe it's the ghost of that boy who had to climb that rope in gym until his heart exploded.
[GASPS] You're making that up.
Am I that creative? No.
[MECHANICAL BUZZING CONTINUES] [MECHANICAL BUZZING CONTINUES] Oh, God.
[GASPS] Principal Skinner.
Are you living in the school? Absolutely not.
And you have no proof.
[GROANS] Seymour, why are you living here? You have a house.
With 30 pizzas on the way.
30 pizzas.
I can finally send mama back to Italy! Mwah! It's not my house, it's Mother's.
But after what I just found out she did, I can never go back.
They say it's better to talk about it, but I never will.
- Okay.
- We understand.
Seriously, don't ask what it was.
- Are you asking? - I was stretching.
Then why'd you only stretch one arm? It's the only arm that needed stretching.
Fine, I'll tell you what it was.
- You don't have to.
- Really, it's okay.
We believe you.
Ever since I was a kid, I-I wanted to be a drummer.
- In a rock band? - No.
Marching.
I would've given all I had to be the dot on that "I.
" It's also called a "tittle.
" Don't you think I know that? I did everything I could to make that band.
In my application, I sent songs and choreographies.
[LIVELY MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING] I'm a shoo-in! Then the fateful day came.
Son, you got a letter from Ohio State University.
I'm too nervous to get up.
Do you want me to read it to you? Yes.
I'm sorry.
You were rejected.
Uh, seems kind of thick.
Well, they gave you a lot of reasons why you weren't good enough.
That's so sad.
There's more I have to tell you.
I was going to surprise Mother by papering her drawers, then I found this.
I was accepted.
She lied.
That's so sad.
- [BART CHUCKLES] - What makes this really tragic is there was also a personal handwritten letter from the Director of Admissions.
Dear Seymour, I truly hope you'll accept a full scholarship to come to Ohio State.
We want to make use of your brillant formations immediately [SNIFFS] What's that smell? I'm making spaghetti and kick balls.
And in a fantastic coincidence, our current marching band director is due to retire in four years and I can't of a better replacement.
You'll live a life at the pinnacle of Columbus society and be buried at the fifty-yard line where you will witness coin tosses for all eternity.
Does it get worse than that? How could it be worse than that? May I see the letter? [SCOFFS] I must say your sympathy is a pleasant surprise.
No, this is just the only college acceptance letter I'll ever hold.
Mm.
So it's for all these reasons that I will not be seeking a seat in the U.
S.
Senate.
I will now take a few questions.
Let me tell you the wonderful present I just got.
Dad! What a surprise! [UNDER BREATH]: What's he doing here? Didn't we just see him yesterday? GRAMPA: That's what they're saying under their breath? How awful! I want to hear all of it.
Maybe if we pretend we're tired, he'll go home.
[ALL YAWNING] Thank God he can't hear us.
And I'm glad these fake yawns are something we can do as a family.
What?! You, too?! Good-bye! Dad, wait! What's wrong with the old coot? I mean, what's wrong with you, you sweet old coot? I got a hearing aid, and I heard everything you said.
We didn't mean the mean things we meant.
We just said them because we meant them.
[STAMMERS ANGRILY] I am gone forever! A little mall walk will cheer me up.
Uh-oh, old guy.
Don't make eye contact.
Rubbing them is like working dry lasagna.
Old guy! Here he comes! He'll want to try all my lotion samples.
I'll have to explain what "send" is on a cell phone.
Come in! Come in! Well, that's more like it.
[SCREAMS] [LISA GASPING, GROANING] I had to cheat.
I was doing it for the bell curve.
And with 99% of the vote in, the next president is Lisa Simps Wait a minute.
I'm being told she cheated on a paper in second grade.
She is disqualified, making our next president Kenny Hitler.
No! Hey, welcome to Bob Hope's USO Show, or as I like to call it, Christmas away from Dolores.
[RIM SHOT, CYMBAL CRASH] Oh, that could've been me on those drums.
I would've gotten to rehearse at his house in Toluca Lake.
Toluca Lake! What'll it be? Can an old vet have a beer and tell you his troubles? Sure.
[NO AUDIO] And that's how I opened the orange.
So, uh, [CHUCKLES] my mother didn't tell me I got in.
That's all right.
You can enroll now.
- Can I? - No! This is a school, not an '80s comedy.
That, uh, letter you sent me is that something you send every student? No, I only sent that once, to you.
When you didn't show up, that was the second worst day of my career.
What was the worst? The day the Big Ten expanded to 14 schools.
What are we, morons? We didn't even notice till Northwestern pointed it out.
Oh, I'm sorry, should I not have told you about the letter? Uh, no.
It's actually good, because I'm no longer sad.
I'm angry! It's time for a furious self-guided tour of this campus.
I've never seen someone walk the oval so many times.
He's got to be dizzy.
I switch directions every other lap.
- Oh, uh, Michigan sucks.
- What? That's how we say "excuse me" around here.
[BELLS CHIMING MELODY] CHOIR [TO MELODY]: Loser, loser Loser, loser Missed opportunity All over now You poor bastard.
Et Tu, Brutus? Hey! [GRUNTS] Okay, Mother, it's time for an unpleasant confrontation.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Class, I'm going to hand back your astronomy papers.
LISA: Keep calm.
Keep calm.
No one knows you did anything wrong.
Lisa Simpson, come to my desk.
[GASPS] Miss Hoover, I have to confess.
I changed my paper.
It said million, but I knew it was billion.
[SOBS]: Oh, please.
Maybe I can start a new life in the other second grade class.
[SOBBING] I know you changed your paper.
I don't care about your grade.
Where the hell is my nicotine gum? [SNIFFLES] My brother had it, and he was hanging around the class pet.
I'll get you some more gum.
You do that.
Can I help you? What are you doing here? Your mother rented me your room.
You rented my room to the town drunk? I am also the state drunk.
[BURPS] What do you want? [GASPS] You know? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Oh, son, forgive me.
I'm so sorry.
I just couldn't bear to lose you like I'd lost everything else.
Oh, I would've arranged for you to live near me in the dorm.
Oh, I can't live in a college town.
Can't control myself sexually.
What you did to me was the worst thing anyone could do to anyone, much less a mother to her son.
I really don't know what you could say.
Son, I guess when you get right down to it, I've always felt marching bands are a colossal waste of time.
The music and the walking both suffer.
You may have a point.
And you'll always be my little tittle.
- Is that a tear? - Maybe.
[BOTH SIGH] Please, I beg you.
Will you move back in? There are gonna have to be some changes.
What kind of changes? Well, I want the parental controls taken off the TV.
You'll just watch booby programs.
If I'm in the booby mood, yes, I will.
Welcome back, son.
Looks like I got a little brother! He's not staying, is he? You boys work it out.
We sure will, Ma.
You still haven't found Grampa? No.
But I found this guy who's willing to take his place.
[SPANISH ACCENT]: I am Grandpapa.
Gather the grandchildren that we might play the Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I don't think anyone can replace our Grampa.
Are you sure? Your husband she looked through hundreds of grandpapas.
This was my third callback! Make a choice.
- [PHONE RINGS] - Yello.
Is this the no-good ungrateful son of Abraham Simpson? - Speaking.
- I'm gonna send him back to you, and I don't want to see him here again.
This place is really depressing.
And he does not help.
There's a pathetic old drunk peeing himself in the bathroom.
That's a mirror.
And it's not the bathroom.
BART: [SIGHS] When is Grampa gonna get here? GRAMPA: I knew it.
Still bad-mouthing me behind my back.
LISA: I can't believe it, but I miss him so much.
[CONFUSED GRUNT] BART: I love him, too.
I just can't say it to his beautiful shriveled turnip head.
Aw.
I love how he knows what every building used to be.
And Maggie says [MECHANICAL VOICE]: U.
R.
A.
D.
Light.
[SOBBING] Come get your Grampa, you sweet slices of melon.
- Aw.
- [ALL SIGH] Aw, we love you.
Woo-hoo! D'oh! What are you watching? It's a booby movie, isn't it? It's Emmy-winning premium cable.
Do they show boobs? Not since they started winning Emmys.
Very disappointing.
Well, I guess I'll watch with you.
What's that thing? It's a raven from the Lannister's Maester.
What's a Lannister? What's a Maester? House Lannister is the wealthiest - Is that a dragon? - Yes.
This is stupid.
He walks down the street He falls in a hole, man Everyone knows Hans Moleman! Who? Nobody knows Hans Moleman.
Next.
I was here first.
[SCANNER BEEPS] In the checkout line He doesn't even scan Nobody knows Hans Moleman.
I just need my heart pills.
Nobody knows Hans Moleman.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  The Old Blue Mayor She Ain't What She Used to Be
The Simpsons s29e06 Episode Script
The Old Blue Mayor She Ain't What She Used to Be
1 [EXCLAIMS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [YELLS] [BEEPS] [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] - [HORN HONKS] - [GRAMPA YELLS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [ORGAN PLAYING OLD-TIMEY MUSIC] [ORGAN PLAYING UPBEAT VERSION OF "THE SIMPSONS THEME"] This is Kent Brockman on location among the good people of Springfield.
- [KENT GROANS] - MAN: Coward! Because today, we celebrate beautiful Skyline Park, a reclamation project built atop the ruins of the Springfield Monorail.
CROWD [CHANTING]: Monorail.
Monorail.
Monorail.
Monorail.
No, they're not building a new monorail.
Why not? This one couldn't fail.
[CHANTING]: Couldn't fail.
Couldn't fail.
[LISPING]: It's a monstrous creation Of mass transportation.
[GASPS] RALPH: Throw me again! [GIGGLES] No, we're repurposing the old monorail track into a completely new and original feature we ripped off from New York: the Springfield Skypark-Line.
I love this space.
Planters, benches, solar-powered talking trash cans.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you for the used porn.
[BUZZER SOUNDS] [HOMER HUMS, GRUNTS] Huh? [GRUNTS] [GRUNTS] Uh, okay, uh, do we go, uh, gut to gut or, uh, butt-butt to nut? Don't worry, we'll use the bypass board.
Okay, fatsos, suck it in.
- Oh! - Whoa.
[CHUCKLES] [CLOTHES SQUEAKING] [GRUNTS]: Oh! [CHUCKLES] I got Homer's sandwich.
I got Wiggum's gun.
And now, to culminate today's events, let's turn on the electricity that illuminates the tiny "no smoking" signs.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZES] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] Huh? Somehow the track is getting juice! Yes! Now to put it on power save.
The monorail it's alive! I warned you not to [PEOPLE SCREAMING] Ha-ha! [WILHELM SCREAM] AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome, senior citizen.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING] No more Nimoy! On the positive side, with this disaster, we have surpassed Detroit and Kabul as the world's most unlucky city.
Er, ah, er.
Couldn't you have at least put little wedges under the wheels? Er, uh, sorry, sweetheart, but running a city is a little more complicated than getting your nails done.
- [ANNOYED GROAN] - Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.
Mr.
Mayor, that is so sexist.
Uh-oh, sounds like someone's girdle is pinching.
[LAUGHTER] Well, now, it's all in fun.
No one respects you ladies more than I.
Now if you wouldn't mind serving the coffee and cake, we men can get down to business.
[MARGE MUTTERS] This is the last time I'm doing this.
So I better do it perfectly.
Here you go, Dr.
Hibbert.
-[KNIFE CHOPPING] -[MARGE GRUNTING] I can't believe Mayor Quimby talking down to me like that.
And by the way, women don't wear girdles anymore.
We wear Spanx and other shapewear.
[SCOFFS] Tell me about it.
People think we've moved on, but this world is as sexist as ever.
Thanks, Obama.
What's so great about Quimby anyway? I could cut a ribbon.
And I could make it curl nicely using the edge of the giant scissors.
You'd be a great mayor, Mom.
You're organized, you manage the budget, and thanks to Dad, you're an expert on the court system.
Fun fact: being a defendant gets you out of jury duty.
[CHUCKLES] Mom, this is our time.
Wonder Woman showed that if you're a goddess with superpowers, there's no limit to what you can do.
You could be mayor! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
A woman prime minister, okay.
Women Ghostbusters, cool.
Woman head of the Federal Reserve, as far as I'm concerned, what's that? But a woman mayor? If Mom becomes mayor, we can get away with anything.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS] Help me, Jesus! [HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING] Pick a side.
[WIND WHISTLES] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHS] Hey.
Where'd everybody go? JULIO: Marge, this town is ready for a change.
Quimby has been mayor, like, forever.
You'd think he could lose that sash.
It's like, we know, okay? All right now, listen.
The key to victory is micro-targeting.
Micro-targeting.
Think of the voters as a pie.
[PHONE RINGS] Yes, Homer, someone here said "pie.
" I know, "Mmm, pie.
" [DROOLING MOAN] I'm sorry, go on.
Uh, we use data analysis to divide the pie into tiny little slivers and tailor a message to each micro-group.
[CLEARS THROAT] You just tell them what they want to hear until you get 51%.
Then you can govern like a far-right nut-job.
MARGE [TO "OH! SUSANNA"]: I'm Marge Simpson And won't you vote for me? Whatever your obsession is Is my priority.
I stand with you against revenuers.
Oh, uh, durn revenuers! Well, you's the new John Galt, aren't you? Hey, can you take a picture with our Ayn Rand scarecrow? [CAWING] CHORUS: From widows to your lunch pail Joes To vets of foreign wars There's no single-issue voter My campaign will ignore.
Marge, we really appreciate this.
You're the first politician that's ever met with us weirdos.
What's the biggest issue you exotic pet owners face? Keeping our pets from eating each other.
Yes.
As the owner of an impala, I - Hey, where'd it go? - Oh, boy.
From soccer moms to mafia dons I'll give you what you need MARGE AND CHORUS: I'm Marge Simpson And won't you vote for me? Yeah! Why do people assume all I can do is feed spaghetti to dogs that want to make out? What do you want to do? Carve a little wooden boy and make him come to life.
Oh.
- [HOMER HUMMING] - Now, for our third and fourth party candidates, I regret to say you are just shy of the polling results required, so you're excluded from the debate.
Bye-bye.
Mrs.
Simpson, you've targeted small constituencies.
Do you have any proposals that would appeal to every Springfielder? Well, Kent, I am a mom.
And as a mom, I want to help this town eat its vegetables.
[ANGRY MURMURING] [CHUCKLES] Vegetables, Marge? As moderator, it's my duty to fact check that many of them are yucky.
It's a metaphor.
Stinkin' metaphors! I only trust similes.
I enjoy metaphors.
They're raindrops on the flower that is the ear.
You put in a "like" or an "as," or so help me you are going down.
HELEN: She's completely cooked.
Unlike the chicken she brought to the potluck.
LOVEJOY: Oh, Helen is as bitter as the lemonade she brought to the potluck.
What a terrible potluck that was.
SIDESHOW MEL: Why wasn't this a town hall event? I like to see them balance on the stools.
You know, my entire life, that stupid tire fire has been burning.
And it's ruined our town.
[MURMURS OF AGREEMENT] I promise, if you elect me, I'll put that fire out.
[EXCITED CHATTER] No tire fire? Ooh, just like Zurich.
- Mm.
- Mm.
[BELL DINGING] FRINK [SINGSONGY]: Mm-hmm! Is that enough? And with the last senior citizen gently reminded that they cannot vote at IHOP, the results are now final.
History is made.
Marge Simpson is our new mayor.
The first woman and the second to pee sitting down.
CROWD [CHANTING]: Marge! Marge! Marge! Thank you.
Homie, you want to make out with the mayor? What? No! Ew! Oh, you mean you.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Okay.
Now I really wish I'd voted.
Whee! Whee! Look at me! I'm a public servant! Woo-hoo! KENT: And so our new mayor is doing what was unthinkable in the Quimby Regime: something.
Roll the 'dozers! [CROWD CHEERING] [CROWD GASPS] Well, sorry, but I-I can't let you put me out of business.
[CHUCKLES] You'd ruin the air for the whole town just to sell knickknacks? Knickknacks? They-they may be to you, but, uh, they put my son through med school.
He named, um, uh, a-a stammer after me.
[STAMMERS] You know.
[CROWD AAHS] I failed.
I failed on my one promise.
[SIGHS]: Oh.
And so, Marge Simpson is already a failure.
The fastest fall from grace since Mamie Eisenhower destroyed a piano store on inauguration day.
Hey, Mom, want to get some lunch? I'd love a lunch break, but I've got to get that tire fire out first.
Already neglecting your family, Madam Mayor? Why you little! Don't embarrass your mother! [HOMER AND BART GRUNTING] [LAUGHS] [BOTH LAUGHING] Guys, guys, stop! I'm the mayor.
Everything you do reflects on me.
Of course, honey.
It's just hard to restrain yourself when you're above the law.
We're not above the law.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I get it.
Hmm? I want you to promise me.
Can you both behave like Lisa, just for a little bit? BOTH [HIGH-PITCHED]: "I'm Lisa.
I'm Lisa.
" "I like music.
" "My boyfriend is broccoli.
" [KISSING NOISES] Hey! We're here to buy your stand.
Yeah, well, it's not for sale.
[GROANS] All I want to do is help this city, and I can't because of this ding-dong.
[CROWD GASPS] How dare you insult me like that? I was there! What? What, what, what, what, what? Clyde's a Vietnam vet, a survivor of the Battle of Dhing Dhong.
Thank you.
Than Kyu was his best friend.
Stepped on a land mine in the battle of One Pun Too Many.
This is not good, Marge.
Not good.
[SIGHS]: Oh.
Marge's beehive of activity has become a hornet's nest of trouble.
Also, our news broadcasts have been reduced to two sentences.
Good night.
There's only one way out.
You're gonna have to do a live, completely unscripted heart-to-heart with the voters.
- Here's your script.
- I don't want a script.
Are you nuts? Good evening.
I'm here to talk to you, one-on-one, just an ordinary mom sitting in her kitchen.
This is a disaster.
I've seen counterclockwise knob turning before, but not like this.
Marge, what time is dinner ready? I'm in the middle of a speech.
So, 6:00? You'll get it when you get it.
Wait a minute.
Something's turning them around.
Marge, can you cook a Hot Pocket in the dryer? [GROANS] Homer Simpson, the only time you shut your mouth is to keep food inside.
[GASPS, STAMMERS] [LAUGHTER] That's it.
She's turned a gaffe-making tubby into a laugh-yielding hubby.
Does that work? FRINK [MUMBLES]: Let's see, the subter-hand is all right.
The math checks out.
I'll be the Kellyanne Conway of this thing.
Kellyanne Conway? I like how she always looks like she just woke up.
I think it's inspiring how now a woman can be Joseph Goebbels.
[MURMURS OF AGREEMENT] Marge, do we have any bread? Check your chest.
[LAUGHTER] Woo-hoo! Oh, my God.
Those are the highest approval ratings I've ever seen for an incumbent: 53%! Marge, your numbers are simply fantastic.
And all you had to do was throw your husband under the bus.
Well, don't tell me you're sad about throwing your husband under the bus.
I'm happy if he can fit under a bus.
Zing! Yeah.
[CHUCKLES] Zing.
Mr.
Simpson, we're naming a sandwich after you.
[GASPS] My lifelong dream has come true.
I've got this all planned.
Start with a full Reuben with all the fixin's.
Put a club sandwich on top.
The bottom bun is, at first glance, a chicken-fried steak.
But it's worth a closer look, because Sir, sir, sir.
We've already made it.
The Open-Mouthed Turkey Goofball? That is so not me.
But I'll take six.
We're honored to have with us the mayor [CROWD CHEERING] and First Doofus Homer Simpson.
[LAUGHTER] Homer's made Marge happy more times than he can count: three! [MARGE CHUCKLES] And we're here for a very, very serious charity: Save the Whales.
All right, that's it! No.
That's really why we're here! [KRUSTY SOBS] I am not a whale! I am a man with blubber and several harpoon scars! [HOMER SCREAMS] [WHALE-LIKE GROANING] [CONCERNED GROAN] What a day for this town.
We've made a deal with the librarians' union.
Shh.
Homer would've been here, but he backed out when he heard the library didn't have any pop-up books.
[LAUGHTER] [CROWD CHEERING] Great news, Marge.
You've tapped into something women and men can agree on: husbands are idiots.
Yeah, I guess.
While you're guessing, I'm running with this.
Take a look at the balloon we've made for the Thanksgiving parade.
I don't care what people say.
My Homie makes one sexy blimp.
I need to talk to somebody.
Mayor Quimby? No, just ordinary Diamond Joe.
Uh-oh, I know that look.
That's a mayor on the ropes or a wife who wants a divorce.
I'm familiar with both.
Er, uh, indeed.
Joe, is it possible to have a decent family life and be a good political leader? Marge, I don't want to talk about that anymore, but I'll tell you this: retirement agrees with me.
The first night out of office, I noticed a gorgeous woman lying next to me, and I said, "Holy crap, I'm married to her.
" Go long, boys.
[GRUNTS] BOTH [SEAL-LIKE BARKING]: Er, ah, er, ah, er, ah, er Marge, there's no "mayor" in marriage.
There almost is.
It's really close.
But I'm afraid not.
[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES] Meet you in the boathouse later? [CHUCKLES] Oh, Marge, I want to thank you for giving me back my Joseph.
Will you stay? I just made a giant pitcher of gimlets, but I can make a second one if you're staying.
No, I have to get back.
We're christening a new manhole cover on 4th Street.
[GULPING] So sad.
Can't you stay for a bit? Uh, we need some help serving coffee and cake.
I swear this is the last time.
There's more where that came from! Thank you.
I couldn't be here without my husband.
[LAUGHTER] He's a big supporter.
So big [LAUGHTER] [GROANS] So big, I wish all of you could know the love in his heart.
[CROWD GASPS] Everyone, look inside yourself and find your Homer Simpson.
BOTH: Mwah! [CROWD MURMURING] [GASPS] It's so beautiful.
We make the magic happen, baby.
Can we just skip that one? I would, but you have to walk through it to get to the cafeteria.
Oh.
Okay.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Singin' in the Lane
The Simpsons s29e07 Episode Script
Singin' in the Lane
1 [BELL DINGING] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [LENNY YELLS] [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] [GRUNTS] [HORN HONKS] D'oh! [GRUNTS] FLANDERS: Okily dokily.
Aw, our own home.
[GRAMPA SNORING] All right.
Takeout Chinese.
Everyone can have their favorite thing.
Bart, General Tso's chicken.
For Lisa, Pacifist Tso's tofu.
For Maggie, Kung Pao Cheerios.
And, Homer, I've got your favorite Favorite? That's my favorite.
MSG.
Mmm.
Ah, needs salt.
[CELL PHONE RINGING] Y'ello.
Ahoy-hoy, Simpson.
I have four seats to tonight's basketball joust, and you were at the top of my list.
So, what do you say? Thank you, Mr.
Burns.
Oh, boy, courtside seats.
- I feel like Billy Crystal's doctor.
- Who was it? You'll never believe it.
We just got HOMER'S BRAIN: Homer, wait.
You don't want to go with them.
Why not? They're my family.
Sweetie, I know that you're talking to your brain.
Why don't you just do whatever your heart tells you? Ugh, not that guy.
[SHOUTS] I'm numb.
Chest pains! Just go to the game with your friends.
Brain, you're the greatest.
Is there anything I can do for you? Yeah, you could read a book once in a while.
D'oh! Carl, I got courtside seats! Lenny, I got courtside seats! Barney, I got courtside seats! I'm in.
Who's on trial? You guys got courtside seats? I'd love to go.
Just let me lock up the good liquor.
Uh, sorry, we only have four tickets.
Me, Lenny, Carl and Barney.
You really don't want me? I, uh, I thought we was friends.
Yeah, we did, too.
Then we realized you were serving us beer that's mostly suds.
Also, your chicken wings weren't chicken.
Hey, meat's meat.
Although none of it was meat.
Look, hey, where we going with this? You're not invited, Moe.
Hey, wha? LENNY: Not invited, not invited.
BARNEY: Who's on trial? Wow.
Wow.
I am truly alone in this world.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: No, you're not.
Uh, thanks, uh, Anti-Suicide Keychain.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: You're welcome.
I care about you MOE [ON KEYCHAIN]: Uh, Moe Szyslak.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: very much.
[SNIFFLES] Uh, Moe, about last night Yeah, on the house, fellas.
[ALL GASP] And I got new cocktail napkins that ain't just unpaid parking tickets.
See? Yeah, huh? How about that? Why you being so nice to us after we rejected you? Well, maybe the problem wasn't youse, maybe it was mees.
So, I'se, uh, sprucing up the bar, trying to make things nice, you know, like they used to be.
Hey! It's the Pin Pals, our old bowling team! Those were great times.
Them were the best times.
Closer than brothers, we was, says I.
Then Apu had his octopuses, and suddenly he didn't have time to bowl with his buddies five nights a week.
But as I said, great times.
Guys, I think we should reform the Pin Pals, but this time with me, Lenny, Carl and Moe! [GASPS] Oh, guys, I would love to! But I can't bowl no more.
I got beer-pull tunnel syndrome.
Ow! Another, please.
Ow! It's a little short.
[GRUNTS IN PAIN] I guess you'll have to ask Barney to bowl with ya's.
- Do they have beer? - Yes.
To bowling! I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down Moe, this is for you.
Ah.
- What do you say? - Coach? Terrific! I love screaming at people who are trying their best.
OTHERS: To Moe! What are you doing? Don't drink that.
You're in training.
The boys are back in town Boys are back in town A lot of music in this episode.
The boys are back in town The boys are back in town Boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] The boys are back in town Boys are back in town I said the boys are back in town The boys are back in town Okay, sidekicks, back in our shadows.
CHOIR: Hallelujah Hallelujah.
- Yay! - Yay! We made it, boys.
Going to the state finals in Capital City! [GRUNTING] Uh, sorry, that's where we store our extra balls.
Quick! Rest his head! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow! Ow! MOE: All right, the state finals.
If we win this, the next tournament is on ESPN8.
All right, guys, don't be yokels.
Just act like you seen it all before.
Holy crap! [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Uh, it says we're on lane 17.
Wow! Topiary lane numbers.
I'll bet they're plastic.
Yep, they are, but don't tell management.
So I guess we're playing you guys, huh? Best two out of three.
I'm Reynolds.
We're high-frequency traders.
I was the model for The Wolf of Wall Street.
I was the model for American Psycho.
I was a model for toe fungus in a Dr.
Scholl's commercial.
- And I was - I'll give you $100 to stop talking.
Deal! Hey, and here's a hundred for you for looking at me like I am the most amazing thing you ever saw.
I think I'm giving you a $500 look.
Well, here's $400, and screw you.
Wow.
I finally found my path in life: socio.
Hey, Harold, buddy.
You know, I was wondering Excuse me.
Why cheeseburgers? The cheese holds it together in flight.
Duh.
I mean, why do you throw them at good people? Question time is over.
Really hope that social worker pays better by the time you grow up.
[CHUCKLES] Social worker.
Hey.
This little dingus gets it.
All right, little man.
From now on, we're gonna call you McDingus.
You're treating me like dirt! [CHUCKLES] I belong! [PHONE VIBRATES] I'm wearing a new hat! I'm gonna show you that the one thing in the world that you're a little bit good at, I'm better.
Okey-doke.
Damn it! All right, now, listen to me.
These stuffed suits don't stand a chance against us working joes.
- Because we got - Moxie? - Eh, no.
- Uh, grit? Nah, we're pretty grit-less.
Well, what have we got? My stepdad is Lebanese.
We are a damn rainbow! - Yay! - Yeah! We win.
We win! The first out of three! Huh! I haven't been this confident since I saw La La Land win Best Picture and turned off my TV.
Good win, you guys.
Lunch is on us.
Wow! Is that a Visa double diamond card? Yep.
Doesn't have to be inserted or swiped.
- It just knows.
- Wow! - [ZAPPING] - It can sense that you're poor.
Once again they substitute rhino for narwhal.
[SCOFFS] It's like they think we won't notice.
Thanks for lunch.
And now you'll be eating crow for dessert.
Uh, side note I have actually eaten crow.
It is not bad.
Tastes like seagull.
Chang-stein, I bet you that I can break down this loser right here in, oh, 15 seconds.
Moe, I would like to ask you about your last birthday.
W-Why? W-What have you heard? Did you have a party? - No, sir.
- [LISA GROANS] - Cake? - No.
Ah, man, it looks like he's tearing Moe a new one.
Well, most of his old ones are pretty bad, so that could be a good thing.
So, did you leave your house? No.
[SOBS] Any phone calls? - Y-Yes.
- Meant for you? No! [SOBBING] I pretended to be someone who was interested in carpet cleaning.
[WATCH CHIMING] Um, that's time, and he is definitely crying, so you win.
Bart, you don't want to be with these guys.
They're monsters.
Hey, their 401Ks are monsters.
Do you even know what a 401K is? I assume it's a gun.
Yeah, well, I may not have much, but I got some things that matter, huh? My bar, my friends, my good name.
OTHERS: Hear! Hear! All right, well, if you believe in your friends so much, how about we make a little wager on the match? - Uh, oh, can I bet on youse to win? - No.
Careful, Moe.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Just leave us be, huh? All right, how about this? If we win the next two games, your bar is ours, and you have to change your, uh, good name.
LENNY: I got a bad feeling.
ALL [CHANTING]: Bad feeling, bad feeling, [ALL GASP] But if I win, I want something I can share with my friends.
Something only a rich guy like you can give us.
Let's do this.
MOE: Look at me, Moe Szyslak, shaking hands with a guy wearing a shirt worth more than I'll earn in my entire life.
REYNOLDS: Ugh, it feels like I'm shaking hands with a squid.
No, the squid has a much firmer grip.
REYNOLDS: Hey, Pin Gals.
ALL: Wha? Hey, hey, hey, we ain't afraid of no bowling shirts.
They're not shirts; it's compression wear, which increases blood flow to our arms and decreases wind resistance.
Oh, yeah! They know two-handed bowling.
Hey, we been hustled! Huh, if you can't trust hedge fund guys, who can you trust? [PINS CLATTER] Nice toss.
Um, nobody likes suck-ups.
All right? Cheeseburger.
I want to help you stand up to them.
But they're traders.
All we know is how to collect information.
Everyone has a weak spot.
We will aggregate their emotional responses and run a regression through the data.
Thanks for dumbing it down for us.
Polish your balls? Man, this alley does everything.
Oh, I don't work for the alley.
No, indeed.
Bart? Hey, Mom, I got a question for you.
-Am I too young to start drinking vodka? -Yes.
Wish you would've told me that an hour ago.
Here's a little "don't tell Homer" money.
If you love money with all your heart, the money will never love you back.
Will having no money make me happy? No.
Does Bill Gates love his wife? Melinda? Of course he does.
They started a foundation that does wonderful things.
- With money, right? - Yes.
So, money's the answer for everything.
Have a C-note, sweetheart.
- She gets it.
- Oh! Whew, they really kicked our butts.
[PANTS] I'm gonna lose my bar and my name.
No Moe, no tavern, nothing.
I'm gonna jump into that empty elevator shaft! Moe, no! [PANTING] [SCREAMS] I just, uh I can't win.
[STRAINING] Oh, yeah, now we're getting somewhere.
[GRUNTS] All right, we've come to that time the time where I give that inspirational speech I've been keeping in my pocket.
[CLEARS THROAT] You have given this lonely little man a reason to get up every single day, and that is why I love youse, Marge.
I mean, uh, Pin Pals.
Pin Pals.
[CHEERING] And we got a secret weapon.
This guy is sober.
I am, because of the love of your sister.
Now, just so you know, that was, that was a catfish thing, right? What's a "catfish" thing? I'll explain it to you after the match.
Just don't drink.
You know how, uh, how Miriam hates it.
You know, you sister looks just like Jennifer Lawrence.
And all her pictures say "Getty Images.
" Yeah, that's-that's a problem with your computer.
Just stay sober, huh? Mm-hmm.
Huh? [CHOIR SINGING ETHEREAL MUSIC] Hey, have you ever tasted liquid gold? You realize that was a thousand-dollar swallow.
Return to me.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [CHEWBACCA-LIKE GROWL] ["LITTLE GREEN BAG" BY GEORGE BAKER SELECTION PLAYING] Yeah.
[MUSIC STOPS] Oh, what do you want? Fair warning: we have combed through all the emotional data on you to find your soft targets.
What the hell are you talking about? You'll see, in just 15 seconds.
Reynolds, artificial intelligence is just three months away from taking your job.
Without my job, I I'm just a douche.
You don't know that the other two are sleeping with your wife.
I thought you were, but you?! You're all about your BMW, but you couldn't afford the sport package.
- [WILHELM SCREAM] - [BUZZER SOUNDS] And I win, just like all good people always win.
- McDingus.
- Yes, Father? Throw this at your sister.
You won't do it, Bart.
Why not? It's you and it's me, and it wastes food.
You won't do it because, deep down, there's something weird that connects us.
You're crazy.
Neither of us admits it, but it's there.
I hold myself out to you.
Go on, make my face the home of the Whopper.
I-I can't do it.
You do like me.
You do! And we'll always keep this burger as a symbol of our fr [CHEWING NOISILY] May I wax your alley? Will you get out of here?! All right, this is it, the tenth frame, the final frame.
The frame where you start looking for your regular shoes.
All right, Barney, just do your thing.
No pressure.
Here's a picture of my sister in the movie Silver Linings Playbook.
- Take a look.
- [BURPS] Hey, you guys liquored him up! Don't worry, Moe, I can still win the spelling bee.
"Recidivism.
" "R" um Eh, because of this idiot, Homer, we need three strikes from you.
I just want to know what it's like to be a winner, huh? Just one time.
What about that Women in Film award? - No, I stole that.
- [OTHERS GASP] Okay, Moe, for you, I'll do it.
We're gonna win.
I'm not gonna have to start over again! Because starting over, uh, what would that even mean? ["LA VIE EN ROSE" PLAYING] [SHIP HORN BLOWS] That could be my reality.
Oh, my God, I got to lose this match.
Homer, no! - Give me the ball! - I need it to bowl! I don't want to win! You're the worst coach ever! - [GRUNTING] - Just give me the damn ball! [CHEERING] What's wrong, Moe? - Yeah, we won.
- Nothing.
I just got to go back to the worst thing in the world, huh? Being me.
[SIGHS HEAVILY] The guy you wouldn't even invite to a basketball game.
Wha uh, d-did somebody say "wait"? - OTHERS: No.
- Well, I wouldn't come back now if you begged me.
- LENNY: Wait! - Yeah? Just making a point.
Surprise! You guys are my friends.
- That's right.
- We sure are.
And we're gonna have a big party! Right after we get back from the basketball game.
Eh, salt of the earth there.
All right, guys, since we won the championship, those hedge fund do-rags have to deliver an experience for me and my pals that only they can bring.
When does it start? Right about now.
Welcome to how I always feel.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Mr. Lisa's Opus
The Simpsons s29e08 Episode Script
Mr. Lisa's Opus
1 D'oh! [GRUNTS] [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - Here's your raise.
- D'oh! Light! Light! Light! - LISA: Light! - [MARGE GROANS] - It's your turn to get up.
- Light.
Oh.
I'll never understand how something that came from inside of you became my responsibility.
[BOTH GRUNTING] - [GRUNTS] Mm.
- Out! Light! Daddy.
Breakfast.
Geez, this kid's kind of smart.
Tuesday.
Au-Autumn.
- [GASP] She's a genius.
- Foliage.
Like the guy who invented shoes with lights in them.
LISA: Cornucopia? [CHUCKLES] Aw, sweetie, it's no surprise you're awesome.
We didn't have to pull you out by the elbow, like the boy.
Mwah.
[HUMMING] D'oh! [RESUMES HUMMING] [KEYS CLACKING, BELL DINGING] Harvard College, admissions essay.
Lisa M.
Simpson.
I was born with one great advantage in life A voice that would make a rhino stick its horn up its butt? Rhinos are extinct, nimrod.
Not hippos.
I just saw one in smelly, blue pants.
Why you little I'm not little.
I'm 20, and I live at home.
- [CHOKING] Oh, man.
- Why you disappointing You know you're choking someone who can vote.
- But did you vote? - No.
- Why you little - Oh, come on, man.
not voting fascist-enabling [BART GAGGING] HOMER: Must stop President Kid Rock.
I was born with one great advantage, a family that never made anything easy.
Never more than on my seventh birthday.
- [GRUNTING] - [CHOKING] [GASPS] It's my birthday! Seven years old! I'll wear my favorite blue dress.
I'll wear red, just for today.
It's my birthday.
I want bacon! [NOISY MUNCHING SOUNDS] - Shh! - [SLURPING] I can't get Maggie to sleep.
I guess I'll just have to start using these.
[FRANTIC SUCKING] Whoa, okay, okay.
That's enough for now.
[GRUNTS] Geez, come on.
[GRUMBLING] Don't make me put you under warm water.
I give up.
[GROANS] [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Anyone have anything to say to me? - Well, of course, honey.
- [GIGGLES] Get ready for school or you'll be late.
[LISA GROANS] Oy, this baby.
Lisa, sweetie, I know why you're excited.
This is a very big day.
- Happy - [GASPS] hour at Moe's was extended by an hour.
- Wh-What? - Mwah.
Happy hour at Moe's Now he'll never close.
[VACUUM WHIRRING] - [VACUUM TURNS OFF] - [MARGE SIGHS] [MOANS SADLY] [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Class, today is a very special day.
It's someone's birthday.
Someone whose parents pretended to forget.
Yes.
And that someone is Hubert Wong.
Happy birthday, superstar.
[LISA SOBS] Lisa, please don't ruin Hubert's birthday.
You wouldn't like it if someone ruined yours.
[GASPING CRIES] I am sorry, but if you can't control yourself, I'll have to send you to the office.
But you saying that makes me wants to cry more.
[CRYING] [MOANS] Mmm! No, Hubert.
No cupcake for her.
Lisa, school is a place for sitting quietly.
What about learning? No longer part of our mandate.
Did your mom ever disappoint you? This isn't about mother, so don't say a mother word about her.
Don't you dare, Mother, don't you dare.
Ah.
It's just me, a student.
- I can't hear you, Mother.
- [WHIMPERS] She's everywhere and everyone.
I'm everywhere because you're nothing.
Thanks for getting me out of work, sweetie.
- Want the rest of my donut? - No, sir.
[STAMMERS] What? Aw, please tell me what's wrong.
I can't tell you.
You just have to know.
- Would tickling help matters? - No.
Well, that's really all I have in my toolbox.
Okay, let me think.
What's today? Tuesday? Yes.
That would make you six years and 365 days old.
Yes.
It's your birthday! And you forgot it, Lisa.
But because it's your birthday, I forgive you.
And you're gonna have the best day ever.
Optimism, you're back.
- [HORN HONKS] - Attention, world.
It's little Lisa's birthday, and you all forgot.
- Not me.
- [GROANS] Now I suppose I got to get your kid something.
Just remember them in your prayers.
Both of them? Fine.
ALL: Happy birthday, dear Lisa Happy birthday to you We all forgot.
[FLAMES SIZZLING] And all was well, until the next year, when they forgot again.
I mean, really, two in a row? Even Luigi remembers it.
Well, we have-a the same-a birthday.
Makes it easy.
You, me, and Hubert Wong.
That's a-right, Hubert.
Cupcake for her.
As I got older I realized, as all must, that my parents were not demigods.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: You are going to die soon.
Shut up.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: You are going to die soon.
Shut up.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: Blood pressure spiking.
Shut up! - Calling your doctor.
- [PHONE DIALING, LINE RINGING] DR.
HIBBERT: Hello? [LAUGHING] Shut up! No, they are a man and a woman trapped in a fragile marriage that nearly fell apart when I turned 14.
Happy birthday! Happy birthday! I remembered! Don't tell your therapist.
Lisa, it's your birthday Here's five brand-new verses Soon you'll be a woman Soon you'll be in love Who'd be better to take advice from Than a man who wears one glove? [IMITATING MICHAEL JACKSON] Hee-hee! Lisa, it's your birthday Happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday Happy birthday, Lisa.
- Yeah.
- HOMER: Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
It's a wonderful cake, Dad, but I'm 14.
D'oh! Happy birthday, Lisa.
We miss you in second grade.
Oh, someday you'll get out of there, Ralph.
I don't want to.
I'm bigger than teacher.
I broke my desk.
Teacher cry.
I'm growing a mustache under my long nose.
[GRUNTS] Better use Mom's closet.
Oof.
It's full? Read me.
Read me.
Come on, help a letter out.
[MOANS] "Dear Homer, By the time you read this" MARGE: I will be gone.
Since we married, you've changed.
Not once for the better.
What's it say? I can't read.
MARGE: So I'm taking the kids and opening a bed-and-breakfast.
[SPEAKING GERMAN] MARGE: Bitterly, Marge.
[GASPS] Is Mom really leaving Dad? [GASPS] So, you finally left him.
Well, good for me and good for you.
I finally learned how to unhook a bra with one hand.
MARGE: Lisa, I know what you're doing.
[GASPS] You're hiding when you're supposed to help me give the dog a bath.
Mom, Mom! [WHIMPERS] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, God bless you, inertia.
- Not until I wash this dog.
- [BURPS] [WHISPERS] Bart, Mom's leaving Dad.
Oh, the poor guy.
Please let me tell him, please.
BART: Pass the gravy.
We used to call it "grave," but that was too scary.
So we modified it to "gravy," unless it had meat chunks.
In which case, it was "gravier," but the war changed everything.
Ugh.
I wish you wouldn't drink so much in front of the kids.
Marge, I tried to drink in the pantry, but you claim that's antisocial.
Ugh.
Why don't you just go to Moe's? You want me to go to a bar on my daughter's birthday? That is so messed up.
I'm going, of course, but it is so messed up.
Happy birthday.
[DOOR SLAMS] [MARGE GROANS] [CRYING QUIETLY] Harvard will save me.
Harvard will save me.
Kiss me, Lisa, in front of the hall my grandfather endowed.
He made his money in opium, but we said it was molasses.
[MARGE CRYING] First, I have to save my parents' marriage.
Wait here in this fantasy? Yeah, can we, um, you know, see other people? Sure.
[MARGE CRYING] [CRYING CONTINUES] [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] [BELL JINGLES] Man, Moe, you sure are spry.
[STAMMERS] The job keeps me young, eh.
Dad! Mom is gonna leave you.
Sweetie, marriages are like water heaters they sit peacefully for years until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own.
Mom packed her bags.
Which suitcase? The one with the broken wheel? Because she won't get more than a block away with that.
She fixed the wheel.
Oh, God! [CRYING] - Dad, you've got to shape up.
- Hmm? I'm 14-years-old.
These next four years are the last memories I'll have of all of us together.
I'll do anything you say, sweetie.
I want you to stop drinking.
Stop drinking? But that's like asking a golfer to stop drinking.
- [MOANS] - I never thought I'd say this, but I'd better text my sponsor.
Homer's got a sponsor? Uh, what idiot would lean into that buzz saw? Hey, hey! I'm the man from A-diddly-A! Ned, I have to quit drinking.
Now! All right, soberino, it's just 12 simple steps.
Oh, 12? Fine.
Nine.
Oh! Okay, step one: Admit you're powerless.
I'm powerless.
Boom! Done.
Step two: Admit there is a power greater than yourself.
Um, if I'm powerless, isn't every power greater than myself? This is the 12 steps, not 20 questions.
Now, make a decision to turn your life to God.
[SCOFFS] God.
He's in every deal, like undercoating.
Fine.
Make a searching moral inventory of yourself.
If I have one tiny flaw, it's that I have many enormous flaws.
Admit the nature of your wrongs.
Well, I'm not the best parallel parker.
Are you ready for God to remove these defects? Dear Lord, the Satan of Heaven, I order you to fix me.
Okay, I'm just gonna fast-forward through this.
- Make amends.
- Here's your wallet.
- Engage in prayer.
- I pray you're not mad.
And have a spiritual awakening.
[GASPS] Things that cost $9.
99 are really ten dollars! The Lord has spoken, and it is good! That's it.
No more drinking.
[CLICKING TONGUE] Look at those, guys.
I used to be like them.
[LAUGHS] Oh, I'm overjoyed for thee.
Call me anytime you hear the devil's seductive voice.
MOE: Homer? [SINGSONGY] Homer [DEEPER] Homer [DEEP, DISTORTED] How's about a Flaming Moe? [CHUCKLES EVILLY] Drink me! I'm the most overpriced thing at Universal Studios! No! I won't do it! Lisa, sweetie, let's celebrate your birthday! Yes! HOMER: Ah, honey.
- [MOANING] - I'm so sorry.
I miss you so much.
LISA: He did quit, for good, and it was the best birthday present I ever got.
Well, the essay is pretty trite.
But her grades are perfect, her extracurricular's stellar, and she'll be the first from her state, ever.
Admit! And now for our instantaneous letter of acceptance.
[WHIRRING] [FANFARE PLAYS] [GASPS] I'm in! And I accept! [GASPS, GROANS] I'm here! And it's Ivy-er than my Ivy-est dreams.
- Lisa Simpson.
- Lisa Simpson? Hmm, I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake.
- Oh, no! - Ha! Gotcha! My one moment of superiority before a lifetime of begging you for money.
[TIRES SQUEAL] [TIRES SCREECH] Come on, sweetie, let me carry you over the threshold.
[LAUGHS] Dad! That's for weddings.
I think Dad's turning into Grampa.
Hey, I don't need [LIKE GRAMPA] to listen to that hooey! Because I make tie clips out of maple syrup, but only for Flag Day! By the sea, by the sea By the beautiful sea This is great we don't have to visit Grampa anymore.
[WHIRRING, BEEPING] [ROBOTIC VOICE]: Chug, chug, chug.
[SLURRING]: Really, man, I've had enough.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: The hazing ends when we say it ends.
Do you need any help unpacking? Mom, I need to learn to do these things for myself.
[WHIRRING, CLICKING] Sorry, friend, you can't pahk your cah in Hahvahd Yahd.
I can't what my what in what what what? You can't pahk - Yes? - in Hahvahd Yahd.
- Are you on Novocain? - Yes, but recreationally.
Now, move your craptastic cah.
[HOMER AND MARGE GRUMBLE] - [DOOR OPENS] - Hi.
I'm Caitlyn.
[GASPS] My roommate.
So, you play an instrument? Bari sax.
- Are you good? - I played at Kenny G's funeral.
Ooh, she's pretty impressive.
Uh any childhood heartbreak? My parents forgot my birthday three times.
She beats me at everything! I don't belong here.
While you were feeling inferior, I took the top bunk.
[EXASPERATED GRUNT] ROBOT: Stroke, stroke, stroke [SIGHS SADLY] I'm not even gonna make it through freshman week.
- Hey, little sister.
- Well! At least you're having a good time.
Yeah, these girls want me to piss off their parents before they head home.
[MOANING] Get away from him, Mandy! I'll pay! I'll pay! Tell him I have two kids.
The beauty part is, it's not a lie.
You always know what to say, Bart.
Well, try this.
I've known you all your life, and if there's one thing I know, it's that you belong here.
You're gonna study harder, you're gonna ask better questions, you're gonna get into their brains like an earworm and chew, chew, chew! [DISGUSTED GROAN] Now, make Mom and Dad proud.
And then I'll make 'em proud.
- But you first.
- Thank you.
This is it.
I'm on my own for the rest of my life.
[SOBBING NEARBY] Huh? Are you my roommate, too? For now.
Till they kick me out.
Everyone thinks they're not gonna make it.
I already got kicked out of a psycho single 'cause my roommate didn't like me.
[DEEPLY]: She used all the "shampoo"! [CHUCKLES] I just think you're funny.
[CHUCKLES] So I suppose you want to tell me your SATs.
Very much.
But I won't.
Tell me about you.
I'm already homesick.
I was always the kid that didn't fit in.
Middle child.
Artsy.
And I play the most unpopular instrument there is: the jazz clarinet.
Hmm! [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ] You know your way around a licorice stick, kid.
You blow a mean fish hook yourself, sister! - Let's talk normal now.
- Thank you.
You know, today I was hoping I would meet - A lifelong friend? - Yes! Here I am.
730 verbal, 790 math, 800 telekinesis.
[HIGH-PITCHED WHIRR] 740 verbal, 780 math, and I speak fluent cat! [MEOWS] I have a friend! Oh.
Maybe more than a friend.
After that day, I never looked back except for all the time I just spent looking back.
[CHUCKLES] But I never doubted that who I am was good enough.
[UPBEAT SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING] Light! Light! Sweetie, you're one year old, and you're already the most amazing thing I ever did.
Daddy happy.
Daddy very happy.
Daddy euphoric! Aw.
She's making up words.
[TO ALL IN THE FAMILY THEME]: Boy, the way Nirvana played Steroids caused a hit parade Beanie Babies had it made Those were the days And we had real heroes then Like Jar Jar Binks and Qui-Gon Jinn Mister, we could use a man Like Richard Simmons again Watching films like Gilbert Grape Then rewinding all the tape Gee, our modem dialed up great [IMITATING MODEM DIALING UP LOUDLY] Those were the days Very nice.
See you in court.
LISA: Light! Light! Light!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Gone Boy
The Simpsons s29e09 Episode Script
Gone Boy
1 ["DECK THE HALLS" INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS] Ho! Ho! Ho! [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Happy birthd! [GRUNTS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [LENNY YELLS] [PLAYING SLOW-TEMPO "JINGLE BELLS"] [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ] Mm.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] [DOGS GROWLING] [PENGUINS SQUAWKING] [MONKEYS CHATTERING] [CATS YOWLING] [CRAZY CAT LADY MUTTERING] D'oh! [BICYCLE BELL JINGLING] [GRUNTS] ["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS] [SIZZLING] [POPPING] HOMER: D'oh! Pickin' up trash Put it in the bag Kentucky chicken bucket Put it in the bag Makin' four cents an hour and free cigarettes Oh, yeah! You have done a beautiful job, ladies.
I think we're ready to move on.
[CANS CLATTERING] [SHUDDERING] [SHUDDERING] - [GASPS] Homer! - [SNORES] I'm awake! I'm awake! What? Oh, I wish you hadn't done that.
Someone adopted this highway.
Not so loud.
The highway doesn't know it's adopted.
But we love it just the same.
Well, at least you rented an SUV for this trip.
Now I don't have to clean up the mess.
[LISA GROANING] I'm starting to get carsick.
Quick, stick your head out the window! No, no, no, no, it's a rental.
Aim inside and blast away.
Anyone want a caramel apple? - It's a rental.
- No, thanks.
Shave the dog? - [RAZOR BUZZING] - It's a rental.
Thank you, no.
[TIRES SQUEAL] HOMER: Get me candy.
[LAUGHS] What's so funny? Ha! You checked this out with half a tank, but now it's three-quarters full.
I'm callin' you Santa 'cause you just gifted us one-quarter tank.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, calls me Santa.
[TIRES SQUEAL] What are you doing, Dad? I'm gonna burn that quarter tank.
Wasting gas while sitting on my ass.
It's the American way.
[TIRES SQUEALING] HOMER: Whoo-hoo! [HOMER LAUGHS] Amazing, son! Unfortunately, your left foot just grazed the sideline.
Incomplete pass.
Dad, I've got to pee.
Huh? Huh? I know it's a rental, but I'd rather go in the woods.
Maybe I should come with you.
Dad, come on.
I'm ten years old.
I can pee by myself.
It's easy.
You just shake it when you're through.
You do what now? [ZIPPER OPENS] - Sketch what you see.
- Hmm? - [STUDENTS EXCLAIMING] - [ZIPPER CLOSES] [ZIPPER OPENS] [SIGHS] - [ZIPPER CLOSES] - [METALLIC CLANG] [CLANGING] [SCREAMS] [BODY THUDS, BART GRUNTS] Bart, where are you?! - Bart! - What is it? [ANIMALISTIC SHOUTING]: Bart! [BELLOWING]: Bart! I don't know, but I can't shoot it.
Looks like it's pregnant.
Ah, let's wait till they're born, and then we'll, uh, shoot 'em all.
- [HOMER GRUNTING] - [HUNTERS LAUGHING] [TIRES SQUEAL] Where the heck were you? Where's Bart? HOMER: Okay, this is the hardest news in the world for a mother to hear.
Just ease her into it.
Um, you know that sewing room you wanted, but we could never figure out where? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What? My special little guy.
Don't worry, Lou.
[LAUGHS] If there's one thing I've mastered, it's consoling distraught parents.
Ma'am? Ma'am? Can you describe your son's skeleton? Ooh! You incompetent Look, look, your boy's gonna be fine.
Now we laid out a grid and have search teams fanning out over the forest.
[SEARCHERS GRUNTING] [WOMAN SCREAMS] I'm sorry, but, uh, because of the grid, we have to suspend the search and bring in some ambulances.
[SIREN WAILING] Where is my son?! Where am I? Hmm.
Huh.
[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] ["U.
S.
AIR FORCE SONG" BEGINS PLAYING] Welcome to Strategic Air Command, Springfield Station.
If you're watching this tape, half the world is doomed.
[CHUCKLES] Says you, General Dead Guy.
GENERAL: Behind you is a Titan II missile, key to a mighty line of defense that will reduce our casualties to an acceptable 200 million.
- [CLANG] - [SIGHS] Dud.
Ay, caramba! - WOMAN: Bart? - GROUP: Bart! - ALL: Bart! - HOMER: Bart! Now don't worry, I have the best dang bloodhound in the county.
Uh, does your boy smell like a fox? - No.
- We're of no use to you.
[HOWLING] Come on, Bart.
You made your point! The whole town is looking for you.
Even that scary old man from the house with the broken windows.
Bart broke my windows! It used to be a normal house! [ANGRY GROWL] All right, listen up.
We have a boy-comma-missing, and you maggots you're gonna help find him.
I thought we were ladies.
- You're lady maggots.
- Now see here, Sergeant.
You haven't fed us.
We're pretty close to riot mode.
This is the boy.
Never seen him in my life.
We all get tattoos we regret.
I will find that boy, and I will toast you with his blood! What'd I tell you about blood toasts, Bob? To do them, but not brag about them.
PRESIDENT KENNEDY: Ask now what your country can do for you is what you can do for your country.
Doesn't sound like any president I know.
[BELCHES] Freedom! Oh, I can smell Springfield! [RUMBLING] [YELLING] [GRUNTS] Aw.
Nothing good ever comes from trying.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Private Homer, you fat stack of mop buckets! You find something funny about this? How about I wipe that smile off your fat face? [IMITATING MARGE]: Not my Homie! Avert your eyes, ma'am.
[GRUNTS] [GASPS] A phone?! Please.
Dial tone.
Dial tone.
- [DIAL TONE] - Oh, thank God! [DIALING] I'm looking for a Miss Culls.
First name Tess, middle initial "T.
" Uh, just a sec.
I'll check.
Uh, Tess T.
Culls.
Tess T.
Culls! Uh, come on! I know you're hangin' around here somewhere.
- [LAUGHTER] - Why, you little When I catch you, I'm gonna stick a beer tap in ya and pull till the foam comes out your ears! [LAUGHS] Oh! Oh! [GROANS] Oh.
I give up.
If you find Bart, give me his lunch money.
Well, I'm never giving up.
Why not? Because searching forever is much easier than me finding a new friend.
I could be your new friend.
- What was that? - Nothing.
Shut up! His lucky cap! Bart? Bart? Are you down there? Milhouse! I have never been so glad to see you.
Thanks for not noticing my new haircut.
Just give me your phone.
I'll go get help! You can count on me! I lit these for our son.
Marge, honey, he's never gonna come back if he thinks it's a church.
With 78% of the search area reporting, Channel Six is now projecting that Bart Simpson is dead.
That's right.
Self-proclaimed underachiever Bart Simpson, dead at the age of ten.
Now let's look at the districts where he's deadest.
[CRYING] [DOORBELL RINGS] Lisa, I have news about Bart.
We already know.
[CRYING] Oh, Milhouse, you were his best friend.
[WHIMPERS] What did you come here for? Um MILHOUSE: I came to tell her he's alive, but this feels almost as good as hugging Harry Horse.
I came to comfort you in these uncertain times.
Aw.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - It's over! We're callin' off the search! - Did they find him? - No, he's dead.
[CHEERING] No! That can't be.
Lord, why do you kill things that I want to kill? Take me now, vile rake! [RHYTHMIC GRUNTING] [GRUNTING CONTINUES] I think you should look at Bart's death this way, Bob.
You're free.
You're totally free.
Oh, this slipped off.
Have you ever thought of how your life could've gone had you committed to good instead of evil? Evil isn't a choice.
Mm.
I see.
Why don't we try a little psychological exercise, Bob? If I unshackle you, will you behave? Try me.
[BEEPS] Cut out Bart's picture.
And by so doing, cut him out of your life.
Don't listen to them, Bob.
- I'm alive.
- [PSYCHOLOGIST CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] [GRUNTS] [MUSIC STOPS] Are you okay there, Bob? I won't believe he's dead until I've made soup from his bones! - [GRUNTS] - [GROANS] [SIGHS] Why do I keep giving them scissors? [DIAL TONE, DIALING] - [PHONE RINGS] - [CRYING] Hello? Hey, Mom, it's me.
Still married? Oh, my God, oh, my God! He's alive! And sassy! [GROANS] Um, one for the road? [GRUNTS] It's a long road.
[GRUNTING] I'll see you soon.
[LAUGHS] Hello, Bart's friend.
Bart's alive! Lead me to Bart.
You'll have to kill me first.
But if you kill me, you'll never find Bart.
Hmm.
A conundrum.
How to break you? Tell me, do you like light operetta? Oh, how light? And a-one and a-two.
I have a song to sing, O Sing me your song, O 'Tis sung to the moon by a lovelorn loon Who fled from the mocking throng, O The song of the knell of a churchyard bell I give! I give! I'll take you to Bart! He cracked like an egg Please stop! And began to beg [GROANS] You promised.
As I sang this song-o It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born Who turned up his noble nose with scorn Can you at least stab me in my ear? No.
Okay, we'll split up and find Bart.
Thanks for lending this to us, Ned.
And I'll do the three things that help the most: pray, pray, pray.
[STARTS ENGINE] What about me?! I ain't ridin' in that! No, you're pulling it! [GRUNTING] Lousy, no good I couldn't pull you when you were eight! [GRUNTS] Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Angry dad, wise-ass kid.
Now, there's a formula that never fails.
DAVE: Okay, boys, we're gonna sing a nice little song.
CALVIN: I want to play cowboys and Indians.
DAVE: Calvin, put down that tomahawk.
Calvin.
Calvin.
- [WHOOSH, BLOW LANDING, SQUISH] - Calvin! CALVIN [CHUCKLES]: You look funny, Dave.
Dave? Dave?! HIPMUNKS: God bless America CALVIN: Give me back my tomahawk That's where he is.
But if you jump down, you can't get back up and you'll be caught.
So, uh, I guess that's checkmate.
We're not playing chess.
We're playing a game called After You.
After me? If you insist.
[MILHOUSE SCREAMING] Oh, God.
I am so sick of these.
[SIGHS] Twelfth time's the charm! Sideshow Bob?! That's right.
I found your hidey-hole! You found my heinie hole? [LAUGHING] Ah, yes.
[CHUCKLES] Always the back-of-the-class wit.
Well, today you're going to be a real blast.
I don't like the way he really hit the word "blast.
" [BOTH GRUNTING] [CLICKING] BART: Uh, Bob, it takes two keys.
That way, no nutcase can do it by himself.
Well, no one ever said launching two boys on a 50-year-old missile would be easy.
Wow! For a 50-year-old missile, it's in terrific shape! Shut up! I'm a kid who appreciates things that last.
[GRUNTING] Come on, boy.
Get a good whiff of his scent.
[SNIFFING] [SIDESHOW BOB THEME PLAYING] [PHONE RINGS] MARGE: Did you find anything? Uh, we found Bart's sock drawer.
Get back out here! HUNTER: Well, you can't shoot her.
You know that's a woman.
HUNTER 2: Oh, this is the last time I hunt with my lawyer.
Son, I can't go no further.
I want to just lie down and die.
Dad, you can't die here.
You have to die in a nursing home, where your body falls apart as you burn through your savings till you're a worthless vegetable.
You know, with dignity.
You're right, son.
We're here on a mission.
Now, let's pick out that Christmas tree.
We're here to find Bart.
Right, right.
But we got a nice eight-footer over here.
She's got a bare patch, but we'll turn that to the wall.
That's it.
I'm not listening to another word.
BART AND MILHOUSE: Help! Help! Help! [STRAINED]: For this, you can thank my time at Cirque du Soleil.
BART: More like Cirque du So Lame.
Yes, they are pretty much all the same.
[GRUNTS] Just a little further Oh, wait, wrong key.
[ALARM BLARING] FEMALE VOICE: Five minutes to launch.
[HISSING] [ALARM BLARING] BART: Bob, why are you doing this? Well, it's perfectly obvious.
Uh, it's [SIGHS] Give me a moment.
It's an ICBM.
I Commit Bart's Murder! That's your justification for killing two kids? I Hmm? Dad, look! It's either Sideshow Bob or Shaq.
Not me.
I'm going that way.
Boy, am I lost.
Shaq, can you help us? I'm not Superman.
You have a Superman tattoo on your arm.
How do you know so much about me? You're scaring me.
I don't have any money.
[WHOOSHING] Have you ever thought of how your life could've gone had you committed to good? It is true.
I had talent.
I was on Zoom.
Just send it to Zoom! Box 350, Boston, Mass.
02134 [CHUCKLES] You don't want to do this.
You're losing it, Bob.
I don't know what's real and what's hallucination.
- [PHONE RINGS] - Hello? Hello, Doctor.
Bob Terwilliger.
Did I catch you at a bad time? Oh, Bob, how thoughtful of you to call.
Most prisoners rarely follow up after leaving me to die.
I just need to know, should I kill these children? Sounds like someone's got a case of the shoulds.
If you're calling to ask, it means you already know the answer.
FEMALE VOICE: T minus two minutes.
Clear blast area.
Just tell me, please! He's not allowed to talk.
[ALARM BLARING] [METALLIC CLACKING NEARBY] Hmm, that sounds like the ignition sequence of an LGM-25C Titan II-II ballistic missile.
I've had just about enough of your nonsense! [WHOOSHING] All right, I owe you one.
So, why'd you save us? Because I realized I don't want to kill you anymore.
Milhouse, is there a knife in my back? Not that I can see.
Milhouse, is there a "kick me" sign on my back? Not that I can see.
- [CHUCKLES] - Aw! I just can't get a clean shot.
Also, you don't have a gun.
I'm useless, all right.
What a brilliant conceptual piece.
Who's it by? "Norad.
" More like Snore-ad.
[LAUGHING] - [TICKING] - Wait, is it ticking? WILLIE: Sooner or later, it all comes down to mopping.
[SIDESHOW BOB THEME PLAYING] Doctor, I'm happy.
And when I'm released, after three consecutive life sentences, I think I'll open a flower shop.
Oh, that's great, Bob.
Not all my patients are this successful.
- [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] - Well, I won't be needing his file anymore.
And if you're interested, tomorrow's 9:00 appointment - just opened up.
- [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] And a 10:00.
[SEABIRDS SQUAWKING] [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] Your New York Magazine, sir.
This is The New Yorker.
Totally different.
One is the gossip rag of the glitterati.
The other, an asthmatic dinosaur that hasn't been relevant since William Shawn breathed his last! Can I go now? I've got 15 other lighthouses, and every one's a weirdo.
Not that you are.
Fine.
Leave me.
I'll just polish the bulb and ponder a wasted life as I walk along the shore.
I rewrite it every time the tide goes out.
Listen to me! Life is short.
Don't spend it on foolish, empty revenge! If you buy a mailbox, I wouldn't have to talk to you anymore.
Fine.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Haw-Haw Land
The Simpsons s29e10 Episode Script
Haw-Haw Land
1 Whoa [CAR HORNS HONKING] [INTRO TO "ANOTHER DAY OF SUN" TUNE FROM LA LA LAND] Another Springfield day A truly perfect place to see your dreams just fade away Working at the plant's fried everything inside my pants Good-bye to all romance All I've got to show for 20 years or so is you - Carl! - Prescription pain pills! I have a law degree For years I've smelled just like cat pee This town just drags you down She's completely lost her head And we will eat her when she's dead It really shouldn't be too long - Cats! Cats! Cats! - She'll be our dinner This truly is an awful town The water's green, the sky is brown Pope Francis came, he turned around Our strongest bridge just holds ten pounds We're poisoned by a greedy clown Kang-a-roo meat! Traffic suffers from paralysis Please.
I'm late for my dialysis.
It's another Springfield day Oh, oh, oh, oh I'm too sad to say olÃ© Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh We've lost our coolest gays Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Duffman thinks this town's okay! Oh, oh, oh, oh It's another Springfield day! [PEOPLE SCREAMING] [LAUGHING] Lenny's a survivor! LISA: This will be a perfect day No way to go outside and play And so we're on our way To a very nerdy science conference Ba-ba ba-ba-dum ba-dum, ba-ba Bum-bum, ba-ba-dum, ba-da, ba-ba Take it Bart! If you're givin' it, I don't want it.
Bring it home, boy.
My sister sucks! Nyah, nyah.
It's another perfect day! I brought my stems.
Sir, this is a conference of Science, Technology, Engineering and Math.
What about this one? Dialogue on Pediatric Education.
[WHOOSHING] [MUMBLING] I find this claim highly doyvik.
It's all true according to the highly-prestigious Institute for Purchased Science.
Here's our top scientist now.
Sir, I-I don't think this is fooling anyone.
Quiet! And put on the monocle, Professor Noodle-Strudel.
[SMITHERS SIGHS] - So where's your booth? - I don't have one.
- I just came here for fun.
- Fun?! One child, please.
I was here first.
If disco's dead, I don't want to live.
It's Stuicide! Self-unrolling yoga mats.
[RHYTHMIC WHIRRING] Artificial intelligence that writes TV recaps.
Stranger Things suffers from season two fatigue.
And look! IMAX Al Gore! If every family could just reduce their carbon footprint by ten percent Oh, it's hopeless.
The floods are comin', people! This is my Woodstock! [WOOZY LAUGH] You okay, honey? [SLURRING WORDS] It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm just intellectually drunk.
Mm.
I guess that's okay.
Marge, Marge, Marge, you lighten up.
It's science.
Maybe you should sit down.
I ain't sittin'.
I'm ready to fly! Hmm.
Hey, kid, I want to show you something.
Are you a pervert? No.
A chemical engineer.
[CRYING] No! I used to be like you.
You mean incredibly bored? Oh, let's see if you think this is boring.
I drop a little water on powdered sodium BART: Huh?! Wow! Listen, I don't know what you're teaching, but you and I have great chemistry.
Except for the lab coat.
It makes you look kind of heavy.
I actually am kind of heavy, and it makes me look thinner! I don't know what could make this day more perfect.
[JAZZ PLAYS ON PIANO] [GASPS] You didn't applaud.
Nothing.
Here, I'll show ya how it goes.
Thank you.
No selfies.
LISA: In a lesser musician, that boy's attitude would be needy masquerading as arrogance.
I'm leaving if he can't sing.
I've had my share of crazy flings But they all end up leavin' And leavin', well, it really stings LISA: Oh, God.
He's one small step away from destroying all my logic and reason.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
MILHOUSE: Hey, Lisa.
I brought you three waters: cold, lukewarm and warm.
- That's nice.
Any sparkling? - Damn it! Hi! I'm Lisa Simpson and I'm nervous about saying anything that will ruin this perfect moment.
My name's Brendan.
Oh, good, good.
No last names.
Don't want things moving too fast.
Oh! I hope our children get his hair.
Now to subtly find out how old he is.
How old are you? Well, I'm 11, but I'm insouciant at a 12th grade level, and I'm talented, too.
[LAUGHS] So unfair, right? That's amazing, because the boys I know are re I've got sparkling! Sorry, I'm not thirsty anymore.
Damn it! Um, so w-where do you go to school? I just moved here.
I'm starting next week at a school called Springfield Elementary.
I see it got a few dreadful reviews on Yelp.
This guy called "Gary Chalmers" gave it half a star.
Bloody hell! Of all the K through sixes in this world, you had to walk into mine.
A beautiful hotel bar! Just like in The Shining! Oh, hi, lee tle girl.
If you see your ma uh, ma wife, tell her Homer not your dad wants the credit card.
I will sir.
- Sir? I'm your dad.
- D'oh! MAN [GERMAN ACCENT]: Today, we are performing an experiment that we humorously call "making elephant toothpaste.
" Boy, the Germans sure know their humor.
Let's just hope they know something about chemistry.
First, add a tablespoon of dish soap to hydrogen peroxide, then add the warm water and the yeast! [EXPLOSION] Aah! German chemistry! - [WHIMPERING] - [BOYS LAUGHING] [SAXOPHONE AND PIANO PLAY LIVELY, UPBEAT JAZZ] Sounds great, Lisa.
Really great.
You're just a little behind the beat.
Uh, maybe you're a little ahead? Aw, you're so cute when you're wrong.
- Channel that rage! - No! Make that reed pay for my sins! [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ] Yeah! - [BANGING ON WALL] - HOMER: Knock off that racket! It's not a racket! It's the truest American art form! Banging on the walls is the truest American art form, and I'm a Picasso! [BANGING RHYTHMICALLY TO MUSIC] Oh, no! They're playing in time to the beat of my banging! Well, then stop banging.
I can't.
The rhythm is infectious.
[BANGING RHYTHMICALLY TO MUSIC] Here's the school trophy case.
If you look closely, it's empty.
They're actually decals on the glass.
- Oh, hello, Lisa.
- [GASPS] I see you have a new friend.
Brendan, this is Nelson.
Lisa, you sure know a lot of weird guys.
Hello, Brenda.
Excuse me.
Why is being a girl an insult? Ah! So evolved! Lisa, are you squishy for this ding-dong? Lisa, does that fat kid like you? [LAUGHS] Whatever we had, it's in the past.
I think there's something in the water in this town.
[WHISTLES] [LAUGHTER] Oh, man.
On a playground I tripped [GIRLS SIGH] Then I saw you and flipped He used "flipped" with a double meaning! Bastard! Now I'm skippin' And trippin' for you.
He turned his suffering into entertainment, just like the Jewish people! Nothing can ruin this moment.
Make way.
Dead gophers.
Nothing! [LIVELY JAZZ PLAYING] How can you be sleeping?! [GRUNTING] Oh, thank God.
Meanwhile, Bart's teacher says he has a flair for chemistry.
Why that little Wait.
Flair? Isn't that a good thing? Yes.
It's too good.
- [WHISTLING] - [LIQUID GURGLING] [GARGLING] Why don't you ask him what he's up to? Because if he lies to me, it's like a dagger in my heart.
What happens when I mean if I ever lie to you? Can you find out what he's really up to? - I will.
- See? That's a lie right there.
D'oh! Okay, I really will.
- That's also a lie.
- D'oh! Fine.
I really, really, really will.
Finally, the truth.
[HOMER PANTING HEAVILY] HOMER: Keeping promise.
[HOMER PANTING HEAVILY] Stupid tree house.
[PANTING] So far off the ground.
[PANTING HEAVILY] Uh, Dad, you haven't even started to climb yet.
I have to visualize it first.
[GROANS] Thanks, guys.
Ah, no problem.
Why did we do that, Chief? Fat man courtesy, Lou.
Fat man courtesy.
Son, how do I put this? Are you breaking bad up here? No, I'm not.
And if you're looking for meth, go see Cletus.
- What?! - [BEEPS] Meth Life, proud sponsor of the 2020 Opioid Olympics! [SQUEALS] Ooh, that's street ready! Dad, I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps.
You work in science, and I think that's really cool.
Wow, you've never said that to me before.
Do you want to go to work with me today? You can help me research my theory that the chairs can go flat.
I'd like to, but I've got to do some colloidal titration.
[HOMER WHIMPERS] Marge, it's worse than we thought.
He's speaking in tongues.
He's a religious weirdo.
The worst thing there is.
Cover your eyes, boys I'm about to flip Mr.
Simpson the "Flanders finger.
" [GASPS] You mean Yup a thumbs-up without a friendly wink.
[BOYS WHIMPERING] You have a credit card? Yeah, but no money.
Oh, a true jazz musician.
[EXCLAIMS] Just give the ice cream back.
No way.
It was really hard to scoop.
[DOOR BELL TINKLES] Prepare to have your ears belted.
My funny valentine Sweet, comic valentine Nelson? You make me smile With my heart Stop! Why are you doing this? I don't know.
There's no good word for what I feel.
Scared and excited at the same time.
There is a word: vulnerable.
"Vulner-able"? Yup.
I always liked you, but now I'm seeing you in a new light.
Your looks are laughable Haw-haw! Unphotographable But you're my favorite [OFF-KEY]: Work of art [LOW]: Art [LOWER]: Art [WAY OFF-KEY]: Art.
Nailed it.
[GRUNTS] And so now there's a jazz war over me.
It's pretty bad.
But it's pretty great.
Uh-huh.
Scotland once had two queens fightin' over her.
Loser got Scotland.
Of course, Brendan is the superior artist.
But that kind of intimidates me.
And Nelson's rough, but he's sweet.
Plus he thinks I have dimples.
Dimples? It's that serious? - [SCOTTISH ACCENT]: Aye.
- Let me give ye advice on love.
The Scottish national flower is the thistle.
A humble weed.
Legend has it that the Norse King Haakon staged a surprise invasion.
But his barefooted army stepped on thistles, and their screams awakened the sleepy Scots.
Many a Norwegian lass lamented their dead lover - on that glorious day.
- SKINNER: Willie, someone spiked the teachers' vodka with sulfuric acid.
Superintendent Chalmers lost the tip of his tongue.
Kin-ner! [SIGHS] Lisa, this is a song about you.
- A kid who's almost there.
- [GRUMBLES] And when you get there, you'll blow the roof off.
Oh.
Yeah, well, I brought my washboard.
[SCRAPING] Nelson.
You took our washboard.
I got thongs to scrub.
I really can't believe that this is a choice.
I mean, look at me.
And look at him.
And then look back at me.
Hmm, they're quiet.
Too quiet.
[BART AND MILHOUSE LAUGH] Now they're loud.
Too loud.
[BART AND MILHOUSE CHUCKLE] Now they're just right.
Too just right.
Are you sure Bart's not planning anything? A boy takes his cues from his mother.
If I trust him, then he'll be good.
Hey, don't knock my mother's method complete abandonment from age five.
[BART AND MILHOUSE GIGGLE] HOMER: Hmm.
The school talent show.
And on the back, chemical equations.
Still think he's innocent? We'll just have to go there and see.
You wanted rock candy, you got rock candy.
Mmm.
Brendan and Nelson are fighting.
I'm getting Daddy's gun to under-arrest them.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna call you decrescendo, 'cause you're goin' down.
Nelson, that's clever.
Thanks.
For you, I read a book.
All right, Ralphie, easy, easy.
Give Daddy back his hat.
Oh, you missed everything, just like Daddy.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING] Ugh, so many clams.
Well, you're gonna look very nice for the show tonight.
It doesn't matter how I look, I'm not ready.
I've been so distracted by those boys.
How did you choose Dad? And never regret it? HOMER: Marge, I might've swallowed a couple of your earrings.
Gotta go.
[MARGE HUMMING] I do not want to know how you got these back.
So, we're really doing it.
We're going to a talent show where Bart is putting on a chemistry demonstration.
Have I got that right? If our faces get melted off today, I want the last thing Bart sees to be us believing in him.
Fine, fine.
Let me just finish my will.
And [EXCLAIMS] Oh, it's good to have that taken care of.
[ORCHESTRA WARMING UP] [SINGING SCALES] Haw-haw-haw, haw-haw-haw, haw.
Nelson? A word? Take five, Martin.
I'm not even in your act.
- I said take five.
- [WHIMPERS] Ooh! Nelson, I cherish our unhealthy relationship.
Especially the fact that I can tell you the truth.
Kiddo, you're not a singer.
Okay, fine, I won't sing.
But I'll still perform.
That's how much I want to hold your stupid hand.
Oh.
You're up, Nelson.
Hello.
I'm the school bully.
[AUDIENCE BOOING] Aw, don't be a dingus.
I'm the next Charlie Mingus.
- [GASPS] - [NELSON PLAYING BASS] Could I really choose him? [GASPS] My choice is clear: Brendan.
- [BOOING] - MAN: Ooh, yeah, I feel the groove.
Next contestant, Brendan Beiderbecke.
And Brendan wins! [LISPING] Not so fast.
We have a disqualification.
This young man does not live in the district.
Right, his home is 50 feet into West Springfield, which means he will be transferred to a school three buses and a long bike ride away from here.
- Brendan - No, Lisa.
I can't put you through that.
I guess this relationship is over until this town invests in mass transit.
[CRIES] I'll never see him again.
Lisa, I'm glad you didn't choose me.
No woman is worth learning music.
All this time I've been choosing jazz over doing my reps.
Well, my reps never let me down.
Lift weights, get dates.
Lift weights, get dates.
Well, I guess I'm alone for the moment.
And I like it.
- Good for Lisa.
- She's better off alone.
She doesn't need a man.
Wait a minute, everybody.
Even though the most interesting and emotionally compelling part is over, we still have one performer who says he will "blow you away.
" So please welcome the original Dennis the Chemist, Bart Simpson.
Drop the beaker, Screwy Pasteur.
[CHUCKLES] No.
I wasn't doing anything bad.
Pour the beaker and you'll see.
We are not gonna let you mix those chemicals.
We got a tip from an anonymous source named Seymour Skinner.
Do you even know what "anonymous" means? Uh, helpful? [MARGE GROANS] Mom, I'm innocent.
You believe me, don't you? Oh, if he's lying, I'll never forgive him.
If he's telling the truth, he'll never forgive me.
[SHORT CHUCKLE] Glad I'm not you.
Bart, sweetie, I'll pour the beaker for you.
[YELPS, WHIMPERS] [GRUNTING] ALL: Ooh! Ah! He's innocent.
But then who put the sulfuric acid in Superintendent Chalmers' drink? I did.
- Willie! Why? - Why? Because, Seymour, I was trying to kill you.
[LISPING] Well, that's okay.
Good man.
- But - Quiet, Seymour.
The man's got a dream.
Mmm.
I never doubted you.
Well, you should have.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
This episode was supposed to have been a parody of Moonlight, not La La Land.
Moonlight? But none of us have seen it.
We have the DVD.
We could watch it tonight.
Either that or X-Men: Apocalypse.
ALL: X-Men! I'd like to see Moonlight.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Homer Is Where the Art Isn't
The Simpsons s29e12 Episode Script
Homer Is Where the Art Isn't
1 The bidding stands at $8 million.
Nine million.
Ten million.
11 million! $15 million.
Joan MirÃ³'s The Poetess, going once, going twice, sold.
To billionaire tech mogul Megan Matheson.
- Hmph.
- [SHUDDERS] [GROANS] [GROWLS] Don't take that painting, I love it! I won't let you take it! There you have it, Ms.
Matheson, Joan MirÃ³'s The Poetess.
[GASPS] My painting's been stolen.
That's impossible.
It's a mystery so baffling, only one man can solve it.
Get me Manacek.
[RINGING] [BANACEK THEME SONG PLAYING] Thank goodness you're here, Mr.
Manacek.
You're the best freelance insurance investigator in the business.
Oh, well, isn't that just what we need? Some smug pretty boy out to make us cops look stupid.
Ah, Clancy, you're looking well - fed.
- Uh see? He put that pause between those two words deliberately.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
Well, two can play at that pause.
Three people bid on the stolen painting: nuclear magnate Mr.
Burns, venture capitalist Megan Matheson and mini golf cheat Homer Simpson.
They're all suspects.
I don't mind telling you, Manacek: I hope you fall flat on your face.
[CHUCKLING]: Oh.
I hope not.
My mother's rather fond of it.
Damn your wit.
[SIGHS] Look, Manacek, I don't know why you're talking to me.
It's my painting that was stolen.
Yes, but you insured a $15 million painting for $30 million.
For a woman with a head for numbers, it doesn't add up.
You smug son of a bitch.
[LAUGHS] I like you, Manacek.
But you should be talking to the real painting thief: the man I outbid, Montgomery Burns.
That's quite a workout you're getting.
Although, I can think of a better one.
Sorry, but I'm in a committed relationship with the former Miss Denmark.
She's created a breed of mosquito that cures malaria.
Well, if she invents a cure for commitment, let me know.
Pull.
Shoot.
Nice shot, Mr.
Burns.
You're a natural in the ancient art of skeet.
Oh, spare me your flattery, Manacek.
I know why you're here.
You think I stole that ridiculous painting.
Absurd.
A little clay pigeon told me that you couldn't stand being outbid by a woman.
Pull, pull, pull! Looks like the only thing being hit around here is a nerve.
I'll blast that smile right off your smug face.
[LAUGHS] I like you, Manacek.
But it's obvious who took the painting.
That lunatic who said he'd do anything to have it: Homer Simpson.
I Did you bring that with you? It's inflatable.
I got it at Brookstone.
I don't know what help I can be with your case, Mr.
Manacek.
As you can see, I'm a very busy man.
[IMITATING BEEPING SOUNDS] According to my sources Lenny you were obsessed with that painting.
I myself was once obsessed with a suede sports jacket with leather pockets.
I would have done anything to get it.
Even steal a painting.
Me? Obsessed with some stupid painting? That's absurd.
[YELPS] - Is it? - You're right.
I'd do anything to have that painting.
Lie, kill, steal.
Well, not kill.
But I would steal it, and then lie about it.
But I didn't steal it.
And I'm not lying.
Believe me, or I'll kill you.
[CHUCKLES] I like you, Manacek.
I'll kill you! [CHUCKLES] I like you.
Mr.
Simpson, there's more to your story than you're letting on.
And I'm gonna find out what.
Please don't.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [DOORBELL RINGS] Wow.
The pizza delivery boys get better looking all the time.
I'm Homer Simpson's wife.
I love wives.
They never pester you to marry them.
Geez, you've got a lot of lines.
You will too, after I show you my corduroy sheets.
Mr.
Manacek, my husband is a wreck.
Please, just give me a chance to convince you he's innocent.
Only if it's over dinner.
Uh, okay.
More Frito pie, Mr.
Manacek? [SIGHS] Sure, why not? If he's not guilty of stealing that painting, why is Homer cowering on the stairs, eating cereal straight from the box? [WHIMPERING] Well, Homer's so quick to panic.
It's his only flaw.
Marge, I need you to be straight with me.
Okay, I admit it, he has many flaws.
Thousands.
Flaws.
Everywhere, flaws.
Your husband doesn't really seem like a typical art lover, but he shows exquisite taste in the female form.
Hey, Front Pockets, quit hitting on my mom.
She only loves one stocky man in tight pants: our dad.
Sorry, I can only solve impossible crimes if I'm seducing an amazing woman.
It's my process.
I'll tell you everything I know about Homer for one of those Tiparillos.
No Tiparillos.
BOTH: [SCOFFS] Women.
[CHUCKLES] I like you, Manacek.
So let me clue you in on the real story about my dad and that painting.
Homer was chaperoning my class field trip to the art museum, and he was not happy about it.
Come on, come on.
Hurry up in there.
Three to a urinal.
No hand washing, or we'll be late for lunch.
[GROANS] Hmm? HOMER: Sheesh, look at that stupid painting.
What is it even supposed to be? Art should be of pretty ladies, hunting dogs with dead rabbits, Bible crap and 3-D sidewalk drawings where it looks like you could fall in.
[WHIRRING] HOMER: I get it.
I get it.
Mr.
Simpson, some of the kids went to the gift shop.
We were only supposed to bring five dollars, but some brought more.
Wha-Wha What? Oh, right.
Chaperone.
Hmm mmm? This is warm beer.
That's an '07 Michelob.
Homer was saving it for a special occasion.
Mmm.
Yes.
My husband just couldn't stop thinking about that painting.
[LAUGHING] [GIGGLES] [BELCHES] [HUMMING] [EXHALES] Wha? Honey, I love a painting.
Oh, what is it of? Grapes? - No.
- Flowers? - No.
- Peaches? No.
You sure it's a painting? I'm positive.
I touched it when no one was looking.
Well, there's nothing wrong with being an art lover as long as it's representational.
Mmm It is representational, isn't it? - [GROANS] - Tell me it's representational.
- [GROANS] - What else about our marriage is a lie? Are you really a licensed DJ? I took the courses, but I failed the test! A blue-collar Joe suddenly likes modern art? That story and two bits will get you a cup of coffee.
What year do you think it is? Hey, who's the shamus here? I'm telling you, deep down, my dad is really sensitive.
- [HONKS SAXOPHONE] - [SCREAMS] [PANTING] Oh, good, you're awake.
You're the only one I can talk to about this.
I know that painting.
It's called The Poetess by Joan MirÃ³.
Why does it bring me such peace? Why?! See? Even though the painting is abstract, that yellow circle can represent the sun.
HOMER: Or Pac-Man at rest.
Dad, you think art sucks.
Snap out of it.
HOMER: Wow.
I mean, wow.
Every time I look at it from a different angle, - I see something new.
- [GROANS] I just want to take a moment to acknowledge that for the first time, you're dragging me into the museum.
Yeah, it's a Topsy-turvy world.
Beach volleyball's bigger than regular volleyball.
Sorry, pally.
Sorry, gally.
But the museum's closed down for good.
- [GASPS] - [GASPS] Can we go in and look at our favorite painting one last time? It's called The Poetess.
Oh, it's right there, inside the crate that's going to the auction house, where a billionaire will buy it and you'll never see it again.
Oh, and I'll have to take that, too.
[HOMER WHIMPERS] Now museum, now you don't.
The Springfield Museum of Fine Art is the latest victim of this city's budget woes.
The storied institution has closed its doors forever.
Its legendary art collection will be sold at auction and its docents released into the wild.
The closure is being protested by a coalition of local art lovers and homeless bathroom users.
[CHANTING]: Picasso, Goya, CÃ©zanne, DalÃ­, selling off artwork would be folly.
[ALL CHEER] We're here, Vermeer, get used to it! People, people.
Government is about making tough choices.
This was not one of them.
Museum attendance was near zero.
We lost thousands on stolen audio wands.
What do people want with wands? These wands are putting the hurt on these walnuts.
MAN [OVER WAND]: Notice how Edward Hopper's use of windows invites the viewer into the scene but also keeps them at bay.
- [WAND CHIMES] - [GRUNTS] But Mayor Quimby, the Springfield Museum of Fine Art, or SMOFA, was a jewel.
SMOFA was the one institution of genuine culture our town could be proud of.
Stop saying SMOFA.
It never caught on.
Um, excuse me, Mayor SMOFA.
I'm not like these brainy tote bags over here.
I like my crusts stuffed, my martial arts mixed, and my movies fully Sandler-ed.
But there's this painting from that museum, and when I really look at it, only one word explains what I feel.
- What is it again? - [WHISPERS] - Transgender.
- [WHISPERS] Transcendent.
Transcendence doesn't fill potholes or educate our children.
Did you know we had to lay off a third of the police force? That's right.
Eddie.
I used to have a gun.
[GRUNTS] Fine, sell the artwork.
Let's move on to the next protest: too many poke restaurants.
[CHANTING]: Poke is just okay.
Poke is just okay.
At Water's Edge by Paul CÃ©zanne, sold for $65 million.
Yeah! I'm as happy as Steve Martin.
It's Oh, God, no.
Our last item is The Poetess by Joan MirÃ³.
The bidding starts at $5 million.
HOMER: I bid that.
- What are you doing? - I have a plan to get the painting.
$6 million.
WOMAN: I think we can do better than that.
I need this painting for my private monkey sanctuary in Costa Rica.
The monkeys find the colors quite arousing.
$7 million.
- Eight million.
- Nine million.
Sir, we attempted to verify your funds at the First Bank of Moe's.
The man at the phone threatened to boil our skulls and make them into [INHALES] rat toilets.
- [GROANS] - It's okay, Dad.
You just really loved that painting.
The bidding stands at $8 million.
- Nine million.
- Ten million.
11 million.
$15 million.
Joan MirÃ³'s The Poetess going once going twice sold! To billionaire tech mogul Megan Matheson.
- Hmph.
- [SHUDDERS] [GROANS] [GROWLS] Don't take that painting, I love it! I won't let you take it! Your story had everything a field trip, a dream sequence, Sideshow Mel and it gave your father the perfect motive TO STEAL THAT PAINTING: a deeper connection to his daughter.
Well, maybe, but I'm sure he's innocent.
Mom, Lisa, 1970s horndog, Dad's run off.
He's on the lam! You know, once I send your husband to prison, you'll be kind of single.
[CHUCKLES] MANACEK: It seems Homer escaped out this window.
Hmm.
In all my years as an investigator, I've never seen a trellis take such a pounding.
I know it looks bad, but think about what we told you.
My husband could never have stolen that painting.
Hmm.
Thank you, Marge.
I now know exactly how everything happened.
How do you know that? I'll be happy to explain over breakfast? [GRUMBLES] You have a real problem with women.
I know.
I'm seeing a therapist tonight at my place.
Oh, get out.
Go, go! [SIGHS] White chocolate the loneliest chocolate.
MANACEK: Homer, I know you're in there.
[GASPS] How did you find me? I knew you'd return to the scene of the crime: where your inner peace was stolen.
You can't bring me in.
You're not a cop.
You're not even a regular insurance investigator.
You're freelance.
You don't get paid unless you submit an invoice.
Which lets me control when my corporate year ends.
You're always one step ahead.
[LAUGHS] I don't like you, Manacek.
Your family's story of how you fell in love with that painting did prove your innocence.
- How? - By providing one crucial fact: you're too dumb to steal anything.
Maybe I did take it.
- Trust me, you didn't.
- I could have.
But I know you didn't.
That's what I'm saying.
- I'm smart.
- You're dumb.
After careful consideration of facts and evidence observed only by me, I can reveal who stole The Poetess: Ms.
Matheson.
[ALL GASP] Your last IPO was DOA, and you needed the cash to keep your girlfriend in hybrid mosquito larva.
I've seen it a thousand times.
Impossible! The armed guards never let the painting out of their sight.
But which armed guards? It was a simple matter of finding the guards' identical twins, then hiring them to rob their own brothers.
That's the last impossible mystery you'll ever solve.
Well done, Mr.
Manacek.
Who would have suspected it was the person none of us had ever met before? Yes, it's a shame she went through all that trouble to steal a painting that had already been stolen by you.
Uh, not yet, sir.
I mean, how dare you accuse me of such a crime? But the painting was safely in our vault until it left the auction house.
But which auction house? It was a simple matter of Burns building an identical auction house next door to the real one.
The actual painting never left the vault, so Burns could steal it at his leisure.
- Now? - Yes, sir.
[GASPS] My painting! Oh, thank goodness those thieves didn't get you.
It's a shame I punched out a woman and an old man over a gift shop tote bag.
[ALL GASP] Lisa? [SIGHS] It wasn't my plan to steal it.
That painting was the first thing my dad and I ever had in common.
I couldn't bear to see him lose it.
It was a simple matter of switching my canvas tote bag for the painting before it was even auctioned off.
I knew it was wrong, but isn't it a worse crime to let some billionaire hide art away where guys like my dad can never fall in love with it? So, who gets The Poetess now? $10 million.
Ownership of the painting reverts back to the city.
But where will we hang it? We're knocking down the art museum.
And what are you doing with the money Springfield got from selling all the public's art? Well, uh, we're, uh, building certain vitally needed civic improvements.
Everything I love in one place.
Beer.
Hot dog.
Bathroom.
Painting.
Daughter.
Marge, you're a beautiful woman, but you're loyal to your husband.
And I respect that.
But if things were different, would I have a shot? You are the most conceited, chauvinistic, son of a [CHUCKLES] I like you, Manacek.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  3 Scenes plus a Tag from a Marriage
The Simpsons s29e13 Episode Script
3 Scenes plus a Tag from a Marriage
1 Your face Is like a song Your sweet eyes whisper And I want to sing along Your features Are in tune Let's sing together And turn every month to June Your face hums Makes me a happy fella No more Singin' a capella No Longer lonely Lovin' you only Your lips With mine will rhyme And when they touch me It's a symphony divine Your cheeks Your ears, your hair Weave me a melody A melody so rare Your face hums Makes me a happy fella No more Singin' a capella No Longer lonely Lovin' you only Okay, movie's over.
The superheroes are friends again.
Let's get out of here.
We can't leave before the post-credits sequence.
Why does Jeremy Renner need two assistants? Shh.
Here comes the sequence.
The Avengers were too strong for us, my Lord.
- [BART AND LISA GASP] - What? Who's that? That's Spider-Man's Uncle Ben.
He was alive the whole time.
And evil.
With great power, comes no responsibility.
[EVIL LAUGH] Finally.
What? You saw it.
That was a mid-credit scene.
There's more.
Who the hell are you? I'm assembling a team of the best team assemblers in the world.
And I want you to help me put together that team.
Assemblers assemble! [GRUNTING]: Time.
To.
Go.
But there's two more credit sequences.
When I was a kid, movies ended when they ended.
The only reason you stayed for the credits was to see who sang "The Power of Love.
" And it was usually Huey Lewis.
I liked the first post-credit sequence the best.
I liked the fifth.
Pipe down.
I'm trying to listen to preseason minor league baseball.
ANNOUNCER: And with the last of the Isotopes pitchers receiving Tommy John surgery on the mound, that's the ball game.
Good night, everybody.
[HORNS HONKING] Stupid baseball traffic.
I'm taking a shortcut home.
[WHOOPS] Kids, look.
We used to live here before we were married.
It's the old Beef Rendering District.
Ah, yes, Tallow-town.
At the end of every factory tour, they gave you a free glass of blood.
Huh, it's really gentrified.
Oh, a store where you grind and flavor your own house made toothpaste.
Ooh.
[SMACKS LIPS] Mmm.
Terrible.
[GASPS] There's our old building.
Look.
Our fifth floor walk-up apartment.
[LAUGHS] Dad, you walked up five floors every day? No.
I took the elevator to the top of the building next door, then crawled across a plank to our roof.
Hey! I pioneered that trail! Yeah, great.
Thank you, Kit Carson.
Kids, you want to check out our old apartment? Huh? Huh? I can tell from your tone that we're going either way.
I have one tone.
Hi.
You don't know me, but I'm Marge Simpson.
Oh, yeah, I recognize that name.
In fact, we still get mail for you.
MARGE: Mm.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS] Aw.
Oh, thank God.
A list of 101 new choking hazards.
[GASPS] Pacifiers? [MARGE GROANS] [GASPING] No! No.
Maggie! [GROANS] Oh, here.
So can I get you anything? Weed? Edibles? Pudding with a joint in the center? But we need you out by 7:00.
We Airbnb this place every night while we stay at a cheaper Airbnb.
Mmm.
Disruptive.
Before Homer and I got married, we had amazing times here.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, right.
Like you could possibly ever have fun without us.
It was a wonderful time.
- We were living the DINK life.
- Dink? - DINK: dual income, no kids.
- Oh, DINK.
How come you can say dink when you're talking about your jobs, but I can't say dink when I'm talking about my dingus.
Before we had you, life was a breeze.
We'd go to amusement parks without going on those stupid baby rides.
Squeezing my butt into a little biplane that only goes four feet off the ground.
Actually, Dad, it's supposed to go 12 feet off the ground.
- D'oh! - It was a great life.
We were swimming in DINKs.
[LAUGHS] See? That was the key to their happiness no kids.
We've been talking about starting a family, but we're just not sure we're ready.
We can't even agree on what to name our ferret.
Yeah, we both like Caitlin, but we just, we can't agree on the spelling.
Well, we used to be just like you.
Childless and partying every night.
["SWAMP BY TALKING HEADS PLAYS] Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi Hi Hey, check out who crashed the party, Kent Brockman.
Ooh, he does the animal adoption segment on Thursday mornings.
Eh? Eh? [CHUCKLING]: Yes, the biggest problem with winning a local Humane Society Golden Pig Ear - is just staying humble.
- [CAMERA CLICKS] This celebrity sighting will be the lede for my gossip column, "Marge Madness.
" - Hmm.
- Ow.
What are you doing? There isn't even a dartboard.
You're Marge Bouvier? Oh, I read your listings every week correct dates, very few typos, professional stuff.
- Mm.
- Just steer clear of pet shelters and fun runs, those are my beat.
Mr.
Brockman, you're hurting my arm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just care about soft news so much.
HOMER: I had a job at a cutting edge new company that would change the world.
Homer, next week we finally take our revolutionary teeth whitening strips to market.
I couldn't have done it without you, man.
Together, we make an amazing team.
Me, with my advanced degrees in medicine, chemistry and business, and you, with your gentle good humor.
[CHUCKLES] I hear that.
[LAUGHS]: I love it.
It's like I know you're not listening to me, but I'm not mad at you.
- I'm sorry, what? - Exactly.
Buddy, whatever I make, you get a piece of.
I hear that.
I mean, I really hear that.
MARGE: Homer took me to the hippest spots in town.
[WHOOPING, WHISTLING] Oh, Homie.
This is the happiest I've ever been in my life.
Hold onto it, Marge.
Hold on and never let go.
- The moment? - No, the rail! [SHOUTS] [GRUNTING] - Oh, quit resting.
- [YELPS] MARGE: We'd see classic movies whenever we wanted.
["THE TIME HAS COME TODAY" BY THE CHAMBERS BROTHERS PLAYS] The time has come today Young hearts can go their way Can't put it off another day I don't care what others say They say we don't listen, anyway The time has come today Time.
[BOTH MOANING] Hey, some of us are trying to enjoy the movie.
No, none of us are.
At least I died before I'm 30! Yes, he was 47 when he made this film.
Did you two lovebirds-a know there's a meteor shower tonight? Homie.
We should drive to the desert and watch it.
What about the kids? Oh, right, we have none.
[CHUCKLES] BART: So why can't you do stuff like that now? Why do you think? It couldn't be me, Booze 'n' snooze.
Why you little [GRUNTS] - [GAGS] - Marge! Pick up the narrative! [GRUNTS] MARGE: We were having the time of our lives.
[BOTH LAUGHING] [HOMER LAUGHS LOUDER] HOMER: And then it came.
Have some num-num.
Who likes num-num? You like num-num? Oh, there's a meteor shower tonight.
We'll do the next one.
It's in 187 years.
Where are they coming from, outer space? Have some num-num.
Who likes num-num? You like num-num? [SIGHS] Where did this beautiful man go? LISA: Dad, I know it was fun to be young and free, but how could you ever replace us? Pool table, jukebox, and a vacation to Bermuda.
Dad! Can you please get to the part where you reassure us how glad you are we're here? Hey, as long as I'm the pool table, I'm cool.
Sweetie, I treasure you.
- [GRUMBLES] - But before you kids, I used to know the names of people in bands! And not just the singer, but the guitar guy! And baby Bart was the worst son of a bitch you could imagine.
MARGE: We were the first of our friends to have a baby, so we got lots of attention.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Aw, hey, little man.
Up high.
Down low.
Too slow.
[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES]: Again! All right.
Up high.
[CHUCKLES] [YELLS] Oh! Ow! What was that?! Oh, that's tangelo! Come on! That's the most acidic of all the citrus fruits! I see now that even babies don't respect you.
Were you planning on bringing this brat to board game night? Oh, sea salt! The biggest crystals of all! [GROANS LOUDLY] We don't have a sitter.
Invitation rescinded! HOMER: Next, baby Bart ruined my one shot at success, my only fast pass to cash mountain.
Yes, thank you.
You won't be sorry.
We're goin' places, Homer.
Soon you'll be in a higher tax bracket.
- D'oh! - [LAUGHS] - [BART GRUMBLES] - What's that thing on your shoulder? Uh, my son.
You can't have a kid.
But I have a kid.
A kid indicates you took time away from me to conceive.
It's like a virus.
It starts spreading, and suddenly everyone's getting married when they should be working.
Working.
Always working.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Ooh.
I have a difficult choice here.
You chose me over money? [GRUNTS] Ooh! I deserved that.
And that.
Now he's worth $10 billion.
I still have his phone number, but I've never called it.
Well, why not? He loved you before.
You're the same guy.
Yeah! [PHONE BEEPING] ROSS: Homer Simpson? Buddy, is that you? I've been expecting this call for years.
You remember me? Of course.
I've been waiting to say something to you.
Are you ready? I sure am.
ROSS: Good-bye forever.
Oh.
Closure is supposed to be a good thing.
Also, I'm afraid, a newborn and a journalism career did not mix.
This is terrible! I wanted quotes from the swing set, not price quotes on swing sets.
Party pics, not potty tips.
Glitterati, not babysitterati.
Are you getting my drift or should I throw you an oar? It's important for new parents to know this stuff.
New parents? Eh.
They're not the audience for the Leisure Section.
All they care about are babies.
Babies are boring.
I'd rather talk about soccer.
And I hate soccer! Marge, do you like bacon? Yes, ac Well, you got one last chance to save yours.
Get me a good nightlife story, or I'm replacing you with someone with a nightlife, Barbara Rellalinsky! I will get the scoop.
MARGE: So, you've moved into painting giant schnozzes.
Marge, the mouth has had its say.
Now it's time to find out what the nose knows.
That's a pull-quote, if ever I heard one.
Pretty much everything I say is quotable.
Well, not that.
[CRYING] [QUIETLY]: What are you doing here? I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I know it's my night to watch Bart, but he just won't stop fussing.
Did you try driving around to make him fall asleep? It only worked on me.
- [TIRES SCREECH] - [HORN BLOWS] Next stop: Somali Pirate Island.
D'oh! [CHUCKLES] Bunny! - [AIR HISSING] - [GASPING] It's not art anymore! It's a misshapen lump on the floor! Not like this masterpiece! Marge, this photo is dynamite! Thank you! Dynamite kills people! Thanks to your kid, we just lost all our art advertising, the art gallery and Art's Deli, which catered the event.
You're fired! Turn in your press card and your fedora! And I'm gonna erase your name from this birthday card - we got for Doris.
- [GASPS] See? It's gone! She won't miss it.
She never liked you.
MARGE: But I still had the greatest job in the world, I THOUGHT: being a mom.
Boy, if it wasn't for naptime, we'd have all been dead from the stress years ago.
- [CLATTERING] - [TODDLERS CRYING] I didn't do it.
You are banned forever from Gymdandee; our sister shops, Swimdandee and Violindandee; and all other Kid Kennel enrichment centers and baby prisons.
[SIGHS HEAVILY] Hey, Homer.
Haven't seen you in a while.
I switched to donuts.
[GASPS] Oy.
MARGE: Our dream life crumbling, Homie and I sought counseling at the church.
[ORGAN PLAYING] You were so very wise to bring your problems here.
Now, won't you bow your heads and watch this video.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] Hello.
I'm Professor Thernstrom, author of Fractured Families and How to Heal Them.
[SCOFFS] I think we all know who Professor Thernstrom is.
Play the video.
THERNSTROM: Jane was an only child.
And science has proven that only children are lonely children and lonely children are evil children.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] Jane's problems became the family's problems.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] They came to see me, and, nine months later, Joe was born, and all was well.
ANNOUNCER: Do not undertake procreation alone.
WARNING: second child may cause loss of money, limited vacations, and reduced sleep.
Do not have a second child if you have heart problems, are pregnant, or want to keep your spare bedroom.
In rare cases, sibling rivalry may occur.
That's it, Homie! That's the answer! We're having another child.
But just the one.
We're not Catholics.
And so we decided to have Lisa.
That's what this was building to? I thought this was the story of how we got our furnace.
Who would care how we got the furnace? I would care.
It came with the house.
Mystery solved! Finally, he's asleep.
Let's make another.
- Mmm, mmm.
- No.
Oh, not here.
He might wake up.
The only safe place is out on the fire escape.
What if firemen need it? I'll be quick.
[WHOOPS] Now Mother Nature does the rest.
[ALL WHOOPING] Hmm [CLANGING] Duh, girls don't like me.
[PLAYING SULTRY SONG] Hey! No fair! Hey, where did he get those glasses? The saxophone makes sense, but the glasses don't? Shut up, you! - [GRUNTING] - Shut up! MARGE: And so after a lot of late-night ice cream and pickles, Lisa was born.
And the best part was Bart became the calmest boy in the whole world.
HOMER: More or less.
Why, you [BLISSFULLY]: you delightful little blessing.
[GIGGLING] Someone's gonna need four months of rehab.
Not covered by insurance.
[LAUGHING] So a family with kids is a different kind of happy, but still happy.
Wow.
Just, uh [EXHALES] wow.
Hey, where's your wife? Uh, she left me forever during your story.
If you look out the window, you can probably see her.
[GASPS] Oh.
Why did you leave?! Because I never want to be stuck with people like you who stunt each other's growth with your rampant dysfunction! [QUIETLY]: Quick.
Family smile.
Our lives are great! We left out the happy parts because they were boring! Nothing wrong with this picture.
[TIRES SCREECH, BRAKES HISS] Get over here, Lisa.
The only way humanity survives is if people perpetuate this lie.
Well, why is she frowning? Is there some unhappiness you're hiding? Um I'm gonna stake my whole marriage on what you do next! Smile.
Don't be a dink.
Mm I love you, Miles! [BRAKES HISS] You did it, sweetie.
You saved two bad marriages.
What's the first bad marriage? Uh, I miscounted.
You saved one bad marriage.
Just one.
[GRUNTING] Aw, reminds me of the first time we hugged.
Great story.
Get out.
Well, we may not be ethical, but we're a great team.
Just like Fred and Ethical.
LISA: Want to tell us how Maggie was born? HOMER: We told you that story.
- LISA: And how we got the dog? - HOMER: Found him at Christmas.
- LISA: And the origin of the cat? - HOMER: Nobody cares.
This was a nice idea, Homie.
[SIGHS] I'm glad we came back here.
Just the two of us.
- [HONKING] - [BARKING] [SCOFFS] Just imagine what they'd do if Grampa wasn't watching them.
- I wish I'd never had kids.
- [GRUNTING] Thank God there's no munitions left in the factory.
Never too late for another! No one's made it out in a half century! I didn't even know there were five of us! [ALL EXCLAIMING] Make room! What the? How did you get in here? Mind your own business.



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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Fears of a Clown
The Simpsons s29e14 Episode Script
Fears of a Clown
1 [SHRIEKS] [CHUCKLES] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] D'oh! - [TIRES SCREECH] - [GRUNTS] [BARKING] Dad, we're four episodes early.
D'oh! Here it is, Myra the key to the trophy case.
If we'd ever won a trophy, I would've turned the heck out of it.
Mm.
I can't believe you're retiring, sir.
[MARTIN GASPS] Martin, I must ask you to keep secret what you just heard the shocking news that I'm retiring.
Sir, you are addressing a student safety monitor.
With diagonal belt comes great responsibility.
I've got a secret! Firsties! [ALL REPEAT SAME MUSICAL PHRASE] What?! Skinner's quitting! I won the pool! Guess who's renting two songs from iTunes! Skinner's retiring! Bombardment! - He will be missed! Bombardment! - [YELPS] He stood up for me when they tried to ban bombardment! Bombardment! My fellow Americans, and Uter: the rumors are true.
I'm resigning the principality effective Taco Tuesday.
[EXCITED CHATTER] Seymour, you will be missed.
And now, the flyover by the Permission Slip Angels.
Ow! My distance-vision eye.
Skinner leaving.
One last chance to honor him.
With a shot to the head.
Oh.
Move it.
Come on, Bart! Take the shot! I don't have the damn shot! Now, in honor of our principal's retirement, we'll have a performance from a super talent who's gonna wrap up our feelings.
[RAPPING]: I can't believe this is good-bye You were like a mommy who wears a tie You once called men who put me in a net You always told me when I was wet They said I had to wait two years to do karate Even though my friend who is the same age is in the class Karate! There's a certain lack of elegance in rhyming karate with karate.
Karate! Now, I'll share a fond farewell with one student chosen at random to represent you all.
Oh! Bart Simpson.
There is a God, and his name is the Devil.
Bart, come forward.
In the words of the late David Bowie, nÃ© Jones: "Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.
" All rights reserved, Ziggy Stardust Publishing.
Gotcha! Aah! No.
Got you! Now, Willie! The honey! [GROANS] [LAUGHTER] Simpson, I'm not retiring.
This was all just a prank on you.
- [GASPING] - Leave him alone! - [CROW CAWS] - [MARGE GROANS] - [GRUNTS] - [CROW CAWS] Where do I go? How do I live this down? Mom, my humiliation bath is getting cold.
Hold still.
You've got honey in your pits.
[GRUNTING] Oh.
Mm, sticky.
[GRUNTS] Bombardment! Haw-haw! Oh, Nelsoned by Largo.
I'll get them back.
I'll get them all back.
And that'll be the end of it forever.
Not good enough! [CHUCKLES SINISTERLY] What are you gonna do, Bart? Wait, wait, wait.
Don't tell me.
I'll have nightmares, like the one where I'm wearing my pajamas during the daytime.
You are wearing your pajamas.
Some day I want to be a racecar driver.
Do you know how many get killed? [GASPS] They don't show that on the pajamas! Ugh.
[CHUCKLES] Pranking Bart was my "Sergeant Peppers," after a lifetime of "Back Off Boogaloos.
" What the? Simpson! Ugh! My skin! [YELLING] [CHILDREN SCREAMING] [CLOWNS YELLING, LAUGHING] Hey, Brandine.
These woods is filled with scary white people.
What else is new? Bait the traps.
Mama needs a new people coat.
Thanks to one vengeful prankster, clowns once a source of delight have now become more twisted than the balloon animals they wrap their creepy hands around.
We only hope that by showing it on TV, no one goes out and copies it.
Now, let's tell you how it's done.
Send your copycat videos to "Kent's Krazy Klown Karnival of Kartoon Karnage.
" [SILLY LAUGHING] [CHILDREN SCREAMING] [SILLY LAUGHING] [YELLS] Upside down and inside out, and you can feel it [SILLY LAUGHING] [SCREAMS] [ALL YELLING] Oh, no.
No.
Now people have to judge us by our music.
We're doomed.
MAN: 20 seconds to air.
How many times have I told you not to wake me till it's two seconds to air? Krusty, I have to warn you.
People's attitudes have changed about Hey-hey, kids! [LAUGHS] [SCREAMING] Calm down, children.
I'm here.
The shirtless man with the bone through his skull and a grass skirt with nothing down under.
[SCREAMING] I tried to warn you.
People hate clowns now.
And the advertisers want to meet with you.
- [SCREAMING] - [KRUSTY SIGHS SADLY] What is it with Bart and these pranks? - I don't get it.
- I don't know.
Boys will be boys.
That's another thing I don't get.
What does that mean? Spoons will be spoons.
But they don't make you go to juvenile court at 8:00 in the morning.
Yo.
If we hurry, we can get those breakfast burritos - they serve at the courthouse.
- Those are good, Marge.
BAILIFF: Children's Court of Springfield is now in session.
Apologies.
Divorced dad, no sitter.
That must be really tough, Judge.
I raised a turtle by myself.
Pure hell.
Milhouse said he'd help, and he just walked away.
Let me look at your file, son.
Your Honor, I can save you some time.
I've done it all: juvie, state juvie, groovy juvie, the Montessori prison, Outward and Inward Bound.
So you're down to fry me or free me.
What can I say? I'm a widdle dickens.
Well, Bart, based on the ancient judicial principle "boys will be boys" [CHUCKLES] Mm-hmm.
- I'm going to hand down a suspended - No! Marge, for once, let us get rich people justice.
No.
Judge, I love my son, but he's got a real problem.
He needs to learn the meaning of consequences.
Huh? Bart, I sentence you to 28 days at the Tomorrow's New Horizons Addiction Rehab Center and General Rotten Time Ranch.
Mom, how could you do that to me? - Yeah, Mom.
- Because I love you, Bart.
And a mother's toughest job is saying "Help me.
My kid has a problem.
" I do not! All I ask is, Dad, while I'm gone, will you hold onto my can of peanut brittle? [SNIFFLES] Anything for you, son.
[SHRIEKS] Snakes! Gotcha! [LAUGHS CRAZILY] Why you little! Oh.
The snakes ate all the peanut brittle.
I don't know.
I don't know if I did the right thing.
Comfort me.
Oh, Marge, part of being a parent is doing things that'll make your child never speak to you again.
[CRIES] Oh, no, honey, I didn't mean "never.
" Definitely on his deathbed.
[SOBBING] When he's dying.
Oh! I had to do it.
I had to do it.
He was out of control.
Look what he did to Krusty.
I feel terrible for his writers.
- [GASPS] - I beat you if you don't flip sign.
Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip! What are you here for? To laugh at me? - No.
- Please laugh at me! I don't exist unless you laugh at me! [SOBBING] Look what you've done to me! [GASPS] He looks just like me! And Maggie looks just like Lisa.
And Milhouse's mother looks just like Milhouse's father.
Why is this universe so lazy? Never mind that.
Krusty, our son's prank caused this.
We're gonna help you.
Ah, forget it.
I'm finished.
Oh! [SOBS] - Wait, wait.
- KRUSTY: What? You can still work.
What if you gave up comedy, and transitioned to serious acting? Eh, impossible.
I've never shown genuine emotion in my life.
I'm even reading this off a card.
Okay, next card.
But seriously, I gotta speak from the next card heart.
I can't be a dramatic actor.
I have all the depth of a foot bath.
Next card.
Skip that one.
Next card.
A lot of funny actors have transitioned to drama: Tom Hanks, Albert Brooks.
I'm not convinced.
- Michael Keaton.
- I'm in.
- Zach Braff.
- Now I'm not so sure.
- Bryan Cranston.
- I'm in.
And hopeful.
Greetings! I am your director, Llewellyn Sinclair, and you are the Barbies and Kens whom I shall pose in my Malibu beach house of thespic triumph.
My choice for our play is Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman.
However, the rights cost too much, so we'll be doing this knockoff version, The Salesman's Bad Day.
[CONFUSED MUTTERING] Don't worry, the text is just Play-Doh to be extruded through the Fun Factory of my Tony Award-watching genius.
To play Willie Salesman, please welcome the man who's taking a bold leap into intentional unfunniness, and giving me a ride home tonight, and maybe more, hmm? Mr.
Herschel Krustofsky.
Hey-hey.
Let me see the script.
My line.
My line.
Garbage.
Garbage.
My line.
[SIGHS] I don't know.
Should I really be doing this? I'm an out-of-work has-been whose next logical step is to take his own life.
And that's exactly what Death of a Salesman is about.
I thought this was The Salesman's Bad Day.
And that's exactly what I said.
Anyone hear different? I thought not! But Krusty, the part of Willie Loman, I mean "Salesman," is perfect for you.
You'll just be playing yourself.
- Can I play someone I like? - No.
I know he can't see me, but can he still feel my love? I'm afraid the glass blocks that, too.
Oh.
Marge, I promise I will make your boy whole.
I want to believe that so much.
I'll never forget how peaceful he was in those moments before he took his very first breath.
Bart, you act like you don't have a problem, but deep down, you know you need help.
No way.
I am awesome.
Sit down and I'll elaborate.
[CHUCKLES] Um, I think I'll need some help.
Uh, Marge, could you come in here? Please, take my seat.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] We need to get to the bottom of this.
Right to the point.
No, no, no! Oh, well, maybe I should try a different tack.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES] Mom, don't sit down! I don't want to hurt you.
Okay, you just completed step one: learning empathy.
[GRUMBLES] Ow! Pop, look.
I am losing the weight.
Come on, Krusty! There's raw emotion just beneath your surface.
Frack it! Oh, I don't know, I'm scared.
The theater is not for cowards.
All I ask for is integrity and honesty in The Salesman's Bad Day.
Title may change.
Now, Herschel, summon that talent you've hidden from the entire world for 60 years.
[SOBBING]: I can't! [SOBBING CONTINUES] Hershel, my son, listen to me and listen good.
You are a once-in-a-generation performer.
You think so? No! I was faking it.
And if I can do it, so can you.
And now, become a great actor.
And now, sense memory.
- And now, be present.
- [GROANS] And articulate! - And we breathe.
- Oh, okay.
And great actor.
I'm sorry, my sons.
Clench butt.
I'm finished as a salesman.
Clenchier.
The only thing I have left worth anything is Transport me to another plane.
my life insurance.
But, Pop, that only pays off if you're Big pause.
Dead.
Your pop is gonna go out on his route, boys.
One last time.
No, Pop.
No.
Tell your mother I'm sorry about the woman in Boston! Also, my death is a metaphor for American industry! [CAR HORNS HONKING] [CRASHING] I'm doing it.
I'm doing it! And I'll be fine, unless I get those voices in my head.
You can't act.
[LAUGHS] Uh-oh.
You're a clown, and that's all you'll ever be.
And when you die, they'll be playing this: - [SINGS CARNIVAL CALLIOPE MUSIC] - No.
No.
Stop it.
- No! No! No! - [SINGING CONTINUES] Ugh.
Ah! Anything wrong, Krusty? Only what's tormented me my entire life.
Very good.
See you tomorrow.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] Reverend, I'm here for my last step: to make amends for the rotten things I've done.
Oh, fine.
Let me get into uniform.
I'm sorry I cut all the Bible ribbons short so no one could mark their place.
Why you son of a [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING] Willie, I'm sorry I shaved your beard.
I've had to wear a merkin on me face.
[GROANS] I also had the blades removed from your lawnmower.
You've just been riding around.
No one interferes with me mowing! And I'm sorry I used your baseball chalker to write "Skinner Sucks.
" I'll show you who su Wait, you can do that? Please don't encourage me.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Thank you for encouraging me.
Ugh, we're out of chalk.
[LAUGHS] You know, I had just completed rehab.
Well, me, too.
America loves a lot of things, but I never dreamed a comeback was one of them.
- Tell me, Krusty.
- No, no.
No more of the "K" word.
I'm a serious actor now.
If only my father could see me.
Oh, I see you.
Son, you used to be a putz.
Now you're a putz trying to be a schmendrick, which makes you a schmeckle.
Get out of my head! Yet another puff piece that ends in madness.
I know you lost the love of Linda Ellerbee while we were launching the luge at the Olympics in Lillehammer.
B-B-B-Brokaw.
Bart Simpson cured of pranking? I never thought I'd see it.
And you haven't.
Look up there.
Water balloons, ready to drop.
[MILHOUSE GASPS] It's times like this I'm glad I have eyebrows.
[BART HUMMING] [GASPS] Sweetie, I've never been prouder of you.
I knew my little bad seed could bloom into a flower.
You're proud of me? That's right.
Now go give that speech and know that sitting in that audience will be your mother, who's always believed in you.
Nothing can rain on my parade today.
I I I Run! [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] [SCREAMING] Simpson! [LAUGHS] Motherhood sucks.
[HUMMING] [CHUCKLES] Boys will be boys.
[MURMURS ANGRILY] Ah! You can't come in here.
This is the "boys will be boys" room.
[HOMER SHRIEKS] Tonight, you will make theatrical history.
You'll take a play that has been seen all over the world more times than man can count, and you will do the best version ever.
How do I know? Because I just took six Valiums.
See you outside.
You'll never get rid of me.
You'll always be a self-hating clown.
[GROANS] When I was 17, I walked into the Amazon.
The company, not the river.
And when I was 21, I walked out.
And, man, was I loaded.
Thank you, Jeff Bezos.
Listen to your uncle, boys.
He's a great man.
The audience is quiet.
That means you're bombing.
Quick, you got to get a laugh.
Drop your pants, show your fanny.
You know, your "A" material.
Get out of my head.
- I [GRUNTS] am [GRUNTS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] a serious actor! [GRUNTING] Laughs? I'm getting laughs.
- And not from a machine.
- Go with it.
I'm a salesman A dying salesman I'm Willie Loman Just watch me go, man I'm gonna suck That old gas pipe Pipe, pipe.
[INHALES] Whatever doesn't kill me makes the play longer.
[LAUGHS] [AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS] This play will run forever.
Okay, but now that I'm big again, I can't work Tuesdays, Thursdays, the month of July, or Toronto Raptors' home games.
I'm the Spike Lee of that team.
Ah, standard exemptions.
I love it.
He fails at everything he can His sons can't stand their old man It's sell, sell, sell Till he dies, dies, dies In a car crash.
All's well that ends well.
How did it end well? He's ruining my play.
Well, don't worry.
You've got plenty of other good plays.
Oh, wait.
You don't.
Hey, I'm America's greatest playwright.
Exactly.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  No Good Read Goes Unpunished
The Simpsons s29e15 Episode Script
No Good Read Goes Unpunished
1 [CAWS] [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [YELLS] [BEEPS] [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] D'oh! They fought for years With guns and garden shears Years, years, years, tears, tears, tears It's the Itchy and Scratchy Marathon! [CHEERING, WHOOPING] KRUSTY [TIREDLY]: Episode 10,432: "Leave It To Cleaver.
" [YOWLING] ANNOUNCER: Sponsored by delicious Cream of Rye.
[WEARY CHUCKLING] Which one's the cat? Okay.
[YAWNS] Hour 14 of our marathon.
Now let's watch Episode 10,433: "Cat Scratch Cleaver"! Enough with the cartoons.
You'll rot your brains.
[HOMER AND BART MUMBLING DENIAL] HOMER: Leave brain alone.
Ugh, I've been watching so much TV, I can't move my head.
- I'll fix him.
- Careful, Dad! If I'd have been careful, I wouldn't have had you.
- [GRUNTS] - Ooh! [GRUNTS] Eh? Eh? - [MARGE GROWLS] - [NECK CRACKS] Now I can't go to school.
Or church.
Hallelujah! Ah! We're going to spend family time together without watching TV.
Mom is right.
Americans watch way too much TV.
How many hours? Let me Google that.
Ha! Instead of T-V, I typed T-B.
[HOOTS] Let me Google that.
[MAGGIE SUCKS ON SCREEN] Turn off the devices, pronto! Pronto.
Odd word.
- Let me Google that.
- Mm.
Mm.
Hey, I'm doing something educational.
Educational, my foot.
I saw pixels.
It's TunnelCraft.
A simulated world where you explore, mine resources, and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings.
Can you die in it? - Yes.
- It's a video game.
I got a family activity for ya.
In the Depression, we'd sit around the wood stove and sing songs about poverty.
Old poor Joe, the starving boy Had worms burrow in his feet He heard there was work in Portland But sadly he heard wrong Oh, the railroad bulls, they rousted him And stuck him in a sack They tied him to the train And pulled him down the track They threw him off the bridge And they kicked him in the head and they Enough! - I know what we're going to do.
- Huh? - Ah.
- We're going to go out.
We're going to get some books and we're going to read those books.
This is the very last chance for this family to get reading in their lives.
So get on your feet, bubs.
[GROANING] We are taking a walk.
[MOANS] To the library.
[MOANS LOUDER] Where you'll have to be quiet.
[MOANS VERY QUIETLY] Wait, you're closing? You wanna read? Start with the sign.
Oh, can't we just go in for five minutes? Up to you.
But after 2:00, the silverfish take over.
Ah! I just wanted to renew my card! Hmm.
DVDs, plush toys, crullers I don't see many books.
Yeah, the only actual books are coffee table books.
Barn Doors of Topeka, Dogs Eating Ice Cream, Jigsaw Puzzles with One Piece Missing, Man-Killing Snakes of the Amazon Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a bookstore.
Amazon! Of course! Alexa! Order books! ALEXA [ON PHONE]: I already did.
Your mind is open to me.
They'll be home before I am.
[SNIFFLES, MOANS] Ma'am, if you really want to read, check out our proprietary e-reader: the Bookaccino "Niche.
" Um, excuse me.
That device is poorly designed.
I would register my disgust, but it corrects with auto praise.
Hmm.
Ugh! MARGE: Finally, a bookstore that sells books.
[HOMER GRUNTS, STRAINS] - HOMER: Oh, oatmeal.
- I love the smell of old books.
[INHALES] Ah Wouldn't do that, miss.
The air in here has a lot of particulate rat droppings.
Ugh! Okay.
Let's book up and bug out.
Here you go, Bart: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Maggie: In Cold Blood.
Lisa: With No Apologies: The Memoirs of Barry Goldwater.
[SUCKING FASTER AND FASTER] Lisa, look! The Princess in the Garden, by Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
Hmm.
It's my very favorite book from when I was a girl.
It's for ages ten and up, but I think you're ready.
If you think so.
Wait a minute.
One bar two bars five bars.
You're not reading a book.
- You're in a Wi-Fi hotspot! - Dad, please.
I'm trying to reserve tickets to TunnelCraft-Con.
What? What the hell is that? Uh, duh, it's a convention for kids who play TunnelCraft.
It's got skins, betas, mods exclusive access to the top devs.
No convention.
And that's almost final.
But I'm dying to go, fatso.
- Now it is final! - [GRUNTS] What do you have for a kid who wishes his father was dead? Try this.
The Art of War, written 3,000 years ago by General Sun Tzu.
Well, there's "war" in the title and very few pages.
The only flaw is it's a book.
Young man, are you sure you want war with your father? Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
I do not seek war, but neither do I turn away.
If you use this book, your father will lie shattered before the gates of your palace.
[LAUGHS] Oh, mighty general! I beg to be your unworthy footstool.
When he sleeps, I will steal the jewels from his topknot.
[CACKLES] Hey, Mom, I found something to read! Wonderful! What a great family day.
And there is only one perfect way to complete a great family day.
So, how's the family? I think they went to dinner.
Something nice.
[GASPS] Nelson's coming our way.
[MOANS] My nose is pre-bleeding.
I'm picking on Bart.
You like books, huh? Well, here's a bookmark.
If your enemy is easily enraged, irritate him.
I heard you're not strong, you're just fat.
Fat? Me? You try eating healthy at a strip club buffet! Oh! Whoa! Willy! - [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Get me out of here! - [BAGPIPES PLAYING OVER EARBUDS] - It's on fire! Willy! Hmm.
Maybe wisdom isn't so stupid after all.
Milhouse, I'm gonna use this book to go to TunnelCraft-Con.
Here's the book I'm reading.
When I finish this, I'll have read every Mary Kate and Ashley book.
Sometimes I feel like the third sister.
[OWL HOOTING] Ooh.
He opposed the religious right.
Okay, this is my favorite book ever, but no pressure.
You realize saying "no pressure" puts me under tremendous pressure.
Then let's get started.
"Not all English girls grow up in England.
Clara grew up in South America where she was raised by many native servants.
But they were too naturally servile to oppose her will.
" - Hmm.
- LISA: "Naturally" what? [BRITISH ACCENT]: Uncle Juan? Would you clap as I dance? Rhythm rhythm [SHARPLY]: Mind the rhythm or you'll feel the lash! - [GASPS] - Mom, why'd you stop reading? It's just a little different than I remembered.
Let's skip ahead.
A father murdered by loco banana picker, Clara baptizing savages without their permission Oh, okay, okay, here we go.
Clara is now an orphan and was sent to live with her lonely uncle in the hills.
She meets a boy named Conor.
Like all Irish, he was feeble-witted and drunk.
[IRISH ACCENT]: This is the part you deem acceptable? The Irish are nobody's joke anymore.
Hoi-dee toi-dee toi-dee toi! CONOR: I'm goin' on a hunger strike in here! [MOANS] So weak.
So weak - Yah-hah! - [SCREAMS] Another childhood classic bites the dust.
Is that a coolie hat? Nighty-night! I bet my booklight is shining on something offensive.
MARGE: Oh Darn it.
Oh [GRUNTS] Heloise Hodgeson Burwell? [BRITISH ACCENT]: Why did you stop reading my book? Your daughter is just the kind of girl I wrote it for - obedient, well-fed and white.
- Shh! [UPPER-CLASS BRITISH ACCENT]: Oh, calm yourself, Marge.
Dreams are where it's okay to be racist.
Rudyard Kipling! Yes.
You should read my first draft of The Jungle Book.
At the end, Mowgli uses his elephants to stomp out some Hindus seeking limited voting rights.
All in good fun.
Marge, I suppose you could edit my book to your daughter's sensibilities.
Wow.
An author that wants rewrites.
Well, that's what makes this a dream.
Now the war begins.
MILHOUSE: Not yet! I haven't finished my costume.
I'm doing period sewing with bird bones as needles.
LENNY: Wait.
Why do you want me to text you when your father's getting in the car? That's none of your business but let's just say both of us will benefit.
[GASPS] A trombone mute? But I don't have a trombone.
Open the other box.
Oh, my God! - [GONG CRASHES] - [GASPING] [BART LAUGHING] All right, Simpson, blow into this.
Now make it into a rabbit.
All right.
Ralphie's birthday is today, and you're the entertainment.
[HOMER GROANS] What's going on? It's like someone's out to get me.
I have to be focused and careful.
Nothing will break my concen Ooh! Wild milk ball.
[CHOMPING] [GULPING] Bart! You're behind this? That's right.
And it looks like someone is stuck in the mud.
[SHRIEKS] Help me, boy! I will save you if you do what I say from now on starting with going to TunnelCraft-Con.
Sure.
Just pull me out by your sneaky little neck! [HOMER GRUNTING] [MOANS] Just be aware that if something happens to me, Mom finds out about your secret stash of Drake's Cakes.
What secret stash? Pier 18, shipping container number 4-7-9-5-2.
D'oh! I was offered a deal and I took it.
Okay, I give.
Louder, dog! Okay! [GASPING] Huh.
You really think you can control me? Malted milk ball.
Ooh! [PANTING HEAVILY] Okay.
Here's a new version of The Princess in the Garden.
[TIRED SIGH] - Mom, you're exhausted.
- It takes a lot of work to take the spirit and character out of a book.
But now it's as inoffensive as a Sunday in Cincinnati.
"Once there was a cisgender girl named Clara.
She lived in South America, fighting for wild horse rescue [NEIGHING] and net neutrality.
" [ELECTRICAL BUZZING] LISA: This new Clara sounds like she starts out pretty perfect.
You betcha! But since she's already evolved, she doesn't really have an emotional journey to complete.
- Nope.
- Kind of means there's no point to the book.
Well, what am I supposed to do? It's hard to say.
Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive, is now politically incorrect.
What can you do? Some things will be dealt with at a later date.
If at all.
Hey, Simpsons.
We'll see you in church.
Not today you won't.
Oh.
Well, we'll say a prayer for you.
Don't mention my name, weirdo.
Dear Lord, forgive that boy.
He knows not what he says.
[AGGRAVATED GROAN] What does that weirdo want now? [CHEERING, WHOOPING] Ow! My feet hurt.
There's too much cosplay, whatever that is.
- Can we go home? - Quiet, you.
It's the two greatest TunnelCraft players of all time! Those guys make awesome videos where they play TunnelCraft together.
Has the world gone mad? Their banter is legendary.
- Got that? - Yeah.
- Go left.
- Right.
- Left.
Go right.
- Right.
- Dig.
- Dig.
Dig.
- Dig.
- Cool.
That's why they call me Tunnel-Rat.
- I'm Tunnel-Rat.
- Oh, right.
- Oh-ho - Oh, awesome! - What the? - Calm down.
It's me, Daniel Radcliffe.
This is how I see conventions: incognito.
Otherwise the fans envelope me.
Oh, that's ridiculous! Daniel Radcliffe! He knows Rupert Grint! Yes, I do.
He's lovely.
Oh! Oh, God! What are you Aah! Aah! I loved him.
Please, can we go now? No! You wait in the poster-signing line.
And don't sign them yourself.
I'll know.
Milhouse, by God, if you want a ride home, you tell me what Bart's up to.
Okay.
Bart's been using an ancient Chinese book against you.
I knew it.
Except for the ancient Chinese book part, I knew it! Why are you bringing me here? These professors have some very interesting news for you about Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
Meanwhile, I'll sit on this chair and imagine I'm grading papers.
[HUMS A TUNE] Ah.
Ah, Marge Simpson, the fan of Burwell.
[CHUCKLES] We are all Burwelleans.
You don't mind that her books are a little grandma on the veranda? Marge, Burwell's whole life was a protest against conformity.
- Yeah, she never married.
- Had no children.
She lived in Provincetown, Mass a-chu-setts.
Heloise Burwell is a lesbian icon! Her "offensive" stereotypes were actually a self-consciously ironic protest against her own oppression.
How much of that do you actually believe? Mmm most.
So much to take in.
How do you deal with it all? With the help of sherry.
Yes.
Sherry, bring in the hard liquor, please.
[GRUNTS, GASPS] Okay.
Now you can ask me about Lewis Carroll.
Remember: all warfare is deception.
Shut up.
I'm trying to fool my kid.
Bart, son, if you don't mind, I brought a friend over.
Mm-hmm.
Flanders?! Great to be here, pal-o-mino.
I brought some potent grass that'll get this party started.
Bluegrass! Chicken's in the henhouse, pig is in the poke The whole dang farm feels okily-doke Goin' up to Cripple Creek, swimmin' fully dressed Not being naked, oh, that's the best.
Mr.
Flanders.
Again? No siree, Bart! It's me, your Homereeno! Morning, friend-till-the-end.
Ready to greet the day with a big ho-hey? Call me the Pillsbury Doughboy, 'cause I'm ready to roll! Then let's hi-diddley-go! If anyone can do it, it's we two-it! - Yes, indeedle, doddily - Okily-dokily, dokily, dokily.
[BOTH SINGING FLANDERS GIBBERISH] Oh, my God.
He's even gone left-handed.
Now we're gonna take you to a movie rated R for "really old and boring.
" [AGGRAVATED GROAN] [ORCHESTRAL WALTZ PLAYING] [PROJECTOR CLICKING] [LAUGHTER] Oh, no, he daren't! [CHUCKLES] Dad, please, isn't there any way to get the old Homer back? Well, now, Bartly, why would you want that balding boob [GASPS] Ooh, I said "boob"! Uh-oh.
Time for me to do a turtle.
I'll come out when the B-bombs stop flying.
Please, I want my dad not this horrible creature from the depths of Heaven you've become.
If you truly surrender, give me your Halloween candy.
But it's March.
Most of it's still good.
Fine.
Now, bow to your master, because you are the fool, and I, the greater fool! Dad! You read the book, too? Up to page five.
Now, come here, son, and grab some belly.
[CHUCKLES]: Aw.
Excuse me.
These films are original nitrate prints.
Which means the theater has just gone up in a terrible fire.
You have seconds to escape! [ORGAN PLAYS FANFARE] They never tell the organist.
[LIVELY PIANO RAG PLAYING] Hmm, so that film is a hundred years old? No.
We shot it at my place yesterday.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Ned and Rod and Todd And I'll remind all you folks you should be praisin' God If you don't, you'll rot in Hell for all eternity It's all a part of God's great love he has for you and me.
Y'all come back, now.
Y'hear?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  King Leer
The Simpsons s29e16 Episode Script
King Leer
1 [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Okay, children, everyone pick an instrument.
Doesn't matter which one.
Everyone's gonna be bad.
- [CHATTERING] - Eh, who cares? I'm union.
I told you, I am not playing an instrument.
You're playing an instrument.
Mom, music is made by computers, not rusty metal you put in your ugh mouth.
Look, your mom thinks that forcing you to do music in school will somehow make you into a different person than we all know you are which it won't so just do it, or I'll cut all your shorts into skirts.
Fine.
What about this stupid thing? - [BLOWING NOTES] - [KIDS GRUNTING] [GASPS] Why don't you try this clarinet? It's like the recorder, but cooler.
[GROANS] [UPBEAT MARCH PLAYING] [YELLING] What about this hobo guitar? [LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] - [PEOPLE SCREAMING] - [LAUGHS] At least he was wearing a tuxedo.
Now can we get out of here? The Wi-Fi sucks, and I'm trying to click through this slideshow of celebrities who let themselves go.
Word is that number four is insane.
And here's the form which says you're responsible for the instrument.
So, if I break the violin, Homer has to pay? Homer has to pay? The school is lending your son an instrument that's worth $430.
[GASPS] [SHRIEKING MELODICALLY] Violin, you and me are gonna make beautiful music together.
[SYMPHONY NO.
5 BY BEETHOVEN PLAYING] Bart? Bart? $430 violin? If the beer's in a frosted mug, you're not an alcoholic, you're an aficionado.
- [SHRIEKS] - Hello, Father.
Thank you for taking responsibility for this lovely instrument.
I trust you find its music - [PLAYS SCREECHING NOTE] - soothing.
Come on, dude, just leave me alone.
I'm a good man.
I've got kids! You're right, I've been too hard on you.
Here you go.
Catch.
[LAUGHS] You.
You.
I took you into my home, and you've stolen everything from me.
You know what this is? It's me playing the world's smallest violin.
[LAUGHS] [YELLS] [PANTING] I'm free.
I'm free.
I'm finally free! Mwah! [GASPS] Where are you going? To do to my brain what I just did to your dreams for our son.
LENNY, CARL AND BARNEY: Chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug! [TRAIN CHUGGING] - [WHISTLE TOOTS] - [CHUCKLES] The little engine that could get me wasted.
Yeah, everyone loves the ol' Disorient Express.
- [WHISTLE TOOTS] - [PHONE RINGING] Moe's Tavern.
Moe speaking.
What? You have the nerve to call me? Why don't you delete my number from your phone, then put the phone in a sock, and then beat yourself in the head till your face looks like motor lodge buffet eggs! [CHUCKLES] Yeah, another prank call, huh? Who was it this time, uh, "Anita Manbone"? "Ivan Talickya"? Ooh, ooh, I got one.
"John Rootbeer.
" Eh, it wasn't no prankster.
It was someone I know all too well.
- Oh, who? - Shut your stinkin' face-hole! That's who it was, okay?! Bar's closed! Everybody get out! Get out! [GROANS] [BLOWS] [BUZZES] Oh, stupid drunk breath.
Ah.
- [BLOWS] - [BUZZES] Oh, stupid drunk dog! [BARKING] Guess I'll have to order a ride on my smartphone.
Get in.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES] No mints? I should've just called Uber.
Hey.
What's with Moe? It's too late for the cockfights and too early for the rat fights.
He's been extra psycho since he got that phone call.
[MUTTERING]: I just want to [GRUNTING, SHOUTING] Oh, it sounds like that time you lit the barbecue with a possum inside.
[MOE PANTING] Hmm, maybe we should follow him.
Mm, you're the sober one.
Call me, will you? Oh, I'll meet you, all right.
I'll meet you good.
[MOE MUTTERING] [GRUNTING, SHOUTING] [SHOUTING] - I'll kill you.
- [CHOKING] I'll kill you, you dirty mug! You've got to stop them.
Let me go, huh? I'm one loafer smack away from tearing off his whole hair system! Why are you fighting with an old man? Because this old man [PANTING] is my old man.
Morty Szyslak.
Nice to meet you.
You mean nothing to me.
Huh? All you are is a rotten old rib roast covered in cologne.
You ungrateful punk.
You're not worthy to walk through a cloud of my scent.
I never should've called you.
On that we agree.
The saddest thing in the world is seeing a family broken apart.
- [DRUNKEN GROWLING] - [CHUCKLES] Drunk dog.
Oh, I ain't seen my pops for years.
After he called, I weakened and went to meet him.
But one sniff of "Eau de Sportcoat," and my shoe was in my hand.
How could you go so long without seeing your own father? Seriously, how'd you do it? It sounds amazing.
Yeah, well, let me explain.
You know how the world sees me as a a - Human toilet brush? - Bingo.
Well, I'm the white sheep of my family.
They're involved in a very evil business.
- Illegal drugs? - No, worse.
- Prescription drugs? - Oh, well, not that bad.
The Szyslaks are mattress salesmen.
- [BOTH GASP] - Eh, I know, I know.
They're like mortgage brokers without the moral code.
Charging people 1,200 bucks for what's essentially a big bag of hay.
[HUMMING] Growing up, it was me, my dad and my brother and sister.
We were the biggest mattress chain in town, mainly thanks to our local TV ads.
[GRUNTS] How does it? There it is.
[FANFARE PLAYING] Here ye, hear ye! I declare the best deals in all the land! AND DON'T YE FORGET: no credit No problem! So come on down to Mattress King, at any one of our many convenient locations.
We'll have you sleeping on a new mattress - to - Knight! - And cut.
- Great work, kids.
Everyone gets an onion.
MOE: But there was another reason for our success, as I was about to learn.
Son, your voice is finally gravelly enough for you to learn what it takes to survive in the sleep biz.
Bedbugs?! These are Hungarian mattress gnashers.
The only way to get rid of them is to walk away from your house naked and start a new life.
[CHUCKLES] Y-You're gonna sabotage our rivals? No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are.
You want to be a sandman, a slumber jack, a yawn jockey? This is what it takes.
It's the Szyslak way.
MOE: They were the competition, sure, but they were a family, too.
I couldn't ruin them.
You should be proud.
You did a good deed.
Yeah, well, that good deed ruin't my life.
That family I took pity on, they doused our mattresses with bedbugs.
The Szyslak empire was ruin't.
Soon, we were down to just a few locations.
My pops never said how disappointed he was, but he let me know in his own way, by kicking me out and turning my room into a home gym he never used.
My brother and sister took my place in my father's heart.
The only connection I had with Pops was LinkedIn.
[GASPS] That's worse than nothing.
Why do you think your dad reached around to you after all these years? I don't care.
I don't care so much! Moe, you will never have peace until you make up with your father.
HONEY, I NEED YOU TO HEAR THIS: sticking your nose in Moe's horrible life will end badly.
Homer, what's your favorite movie? Fast & Furious 6.
And what's the theme of that movie? Cars.
What's the other theme? [GASPS] Family.
She's right, Moe.
You got to give your cars a second chance.
BART AND LISA: Is that your family's mattress store? - MOE: No.
- Is that your family's mattress store? - No.
- Is that your family's mattress store? No! Geez, I never noticed how many mattress stores there are.
Yeah, you never do till you're shopping for one.
Then they're freakin' everywhere.
That mattress looked perfectly fine when it was delivered.
It's not my fault you flipped it over! Mr.
Szyslak, I've brought someone here who still cares for you.
Um, hey there, Pops.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry about shoe-slapping your face and all.
Well, maybe I had it coming.
You hittin' that? - Can I, uh, say I am? - Mm-mm.
That must be Moe's brother and sister.
They don't look ugly like Moe, but I'm still feeling the ugly.
Ugh.
That one's eating Chinese food with scissors.
[LISA, HOMER AND BART SHUDDER] Hey, what's Ugly Do-Right doing here? He ain't no mattress man.
I will never forgive you for what you made Dad did to you.
Oh, so we're doing the "what I done made Dad did" thing? Because I can did this all day long! Shut up, you box springs! I'm the one what reached around to this cesspool of disappointment.
- You know, to make amends.
- Amends?! - Amends?! - Amends?! There's no reason for this to come to shoes! I want you all to come to our house for a family forgiveness dinner.
We'll be there.
Can I bring a bottle of something? That would be lovely.
You want oxy or Demerol? MARGE: Okay, the brother here, the father there, Moe here No.
No good.
You know, when this all ends horribly, it's gonna be pretty hard not to say "I told you so.
" Just don't say it.
You've never been married, have you, Lisa? When you love someone very much, the toughest thing is not to rub their face in their horrible screw-ups.
[MARGE GROANING WORRIEDLY] So, okay, here's a fun game.
Everyone take turns saying something nice about a person they're related to.
I'll start.
Lisa has lovely penmanship.
Thank you, Mom.
Me? Uh, well, it's admirable how my stupid father reached around to this traitor! I'm impressed that you better shut up and make nice with the traitor! I like that Bart uh Bart is he, uh - Can I do two Lisas? - Dinner fight! Yeah, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Huh? Homer! Go to phase two.
'Twas the sale before Christmas, and all through the store! All the deals were amazing on twin sets and more! [TO "SILENT NIGHT"]: Mattress night Low, low price No payments due, but Am I the only one feeling all oniony about the way things used to be? We were dressed as stinkin' reindeer, but we were really a stinkin' family.
Oh, I miss you frigs.
MOE/MARV/MINNIE: Aw Marge, thank you for reaching around to my family.
I got something to tell all of youse.
- I'm retiring.
- [ALL GASP] Sleepy is the head that wears the mattress crown.
That's right, my springs have sprung.
- To my son, I give a store.
- [GASPS] - To my daughter, I give a store.
- Aw.
Well, good dinner, everyone.
I'll see youse at the funeral of whoever dies first.
And to my oldest son, I give a store.
[GASPS] Wha? I buried this dream so deep, no amount of self-harm could ever carve it out.
Aw.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Oh, the smell of foam off-gassing.
When I cross this threshold, I begin a new life! This is the first time that I've ever been carried into a store.
Look at me now, Lady Foot Locker! Look at me now.
Hey, everyone.
Hey, thanks for coming out.
Uh, if anybody wants a glass of wine, they're on the memory foam.
- [AMAZED GASPS] - CLETUS: Oh! Hot dang.
My goodness.
Okay, okay, all right, shut your, shut your faces.
Uh, the commercial that me and my brother and sister all made is about to air now.
- I cannot tell a lie.
- ["YANKEE DOODLE" PLAYING] It's good to be back in the mattress biz.
Sleep softly and carry a big discount! And now we're freeing the savings! So rush-more to Mattress King Slumber Super Stores, as we all welcome our big brother Moe back to the family! MINNIE: And remember, at Moe's location, every mattress had someone die on it.
[PEOPLE GASPING, MURMURING] - [PEOPLE GROANING] - Dead-o's on my mattresses? Hey, hey, somebody messed with our commercial.
MARV: Who died on Moe's mattresses? - Shut-ins.
Fat people.
- [PEOPLE GASPING] MARV AND MINNIE: And inmates! Inmates! Inmates! No, no, it's all lies! Come back! My mattresses are brand-new! Made in the finest Filipino sweatshops by the cutest kids you ever saw! - That's a gross a-mattress! - [CLAMORING] They betrayed me.
Stabbed me right in the hump.
Sorry, big brother.
[CHUCKLES] We saw an opportunity to knock you out of the family business, and we took it.
It's the Szyslak way.
[LAUGHING] But I-I brought them together.
How could things end so badly? HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" Don't say "I told you so.
" Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved.
HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" Don't say "I told you so.
" Why didn't somebody warn me? HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" I told [CHOKING] [MATTRESS HISSING] When my pop finds out I got played for a chump, huh, he'll wish he never reached around to me in the first place.
Moe, I'm so sorry.
For the first time, I'm going to offer you platonic physical comfort.
- [MOE GRUNTING EXCITEDLY] - [MARGE GROANING] I just can't go through with it.
Aw, it's all right.
You got closer than most.
But I have to believe it's not too late to reach around and fix things with your family.
No, no, no.
I tried things the Marge way.
Now I'm gonna do this the Szyslak way.
No.
No! That's right, me and my family, we're going to the mattresses, baby! I better go with him.
To make sure I see it.
[POP, AIR HISSING] - [MARGE GROANING WORRIEDLY] - [MOE AND HOMER PANTING] [GASPS] Oh, my God.
What happened? We cut 'em up good.
[CHUCKLES] They ain't so pretty no more! - - [MOE CHUCKLES] - [MARGE SCREAMS] - All this was just revenge appetizers! Tonight is the main course.
And I'm serving it up family style.
[MANIACAL LAUGHING] There's only one man who can stop this.
Sir, this shirt depicts an octopus sportfishing and drinking a mai tai.
It's the bestseller in our Retired Blowhard collection.
Oh, yeah.
I can see myself watching golf in this.
Mr.
Szyslak Sr.
, you've got to do something! Your children are tearing each other apart! No, no.
I'm retired now.
Let them work out their own little tiffs.
Does this look like a tiff? Free mattresses?! The time for leisure wear is over.
Mahalo, sir.
Moe's in there, and I've never seen him this angry before, not even when he lost that angriest man contest.
He's crazy! He's gonna do it! He's really gonna do it! I'm up here, Pops.
I'm playing with my little brother and sister.
Just like old times.
[MANIACAL LAUGHING] [GASPS] Hungarian mattress gnashers! If he releases those bugs, all our mattresses are ruined! Not mine.
My mattresses are safe and sound.
- [BARNEY BURPS] - [DOG BURPS] All my enemies gnashed! It's the Szyslak way! [GASPS] Morty! Do something! [MANIACAL LAUGHING] Do it! Smash that jar! Take what's rightfully yours! - Wait, what? - You wanted him to dooze this? He's finally man enough to finish the job, just like he should've all those years ago.
Do it, son! Everything will be yours! Do it for your king! [DRONING]: Do it for your king.
I can't do it.
ALL: Wha?! Sorry, Pops.
I guess I'll never live the Szyslak way.
Oh, Moe, you're a good man.
And these soulless mattress jackals don't deserve you.
I never thought I'd say this, but some families just don't belong together.
- [ALL GRUNTING] - Yeah, yeah, I'll kill ya! Ph-Physical contact.
[ALL SCREAMING, GRUNTING] HOMER: I told you so! Hey, this is Moe S.
from the Mattress King.
Give me a call at 555-0146.
For a limited time only, the Mattress King's got queen mattress sets for $99 and king sets for $129.
HOMER: Ooh! Are you okay? Oh, yeah.
I'm fine.
That's what I was afraid was gonna [GRUNTS] that's what I was afraid was gonna happen - with that damn thing.
- You all right? - Oh, I'm fine.
- You sure? Messed up my guitar, though.
No, I'm fine.
- You sure you're, uh - No, I'm fine.
Try your arm and stuff.
- He's wearing leather.
- Oh, okay.
- Did you get it on film? - Yeah.
All right.
All right!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Lisa Gets the Blues
The Simpsons s29e17 Episode Script
Lisa Gets the Blues
1 Stick close by, kids, and I'll explain everything you need to know about the briny deep.
I want to see a giant squid attack a sperm whale and battle to the death.
I want to swim free with the fishes.
I brought my lucky red swim trunks.
All right, can the chatter and listen up.
Here we have the hideous moray eel.
And over here, we have the tasty but repulsive sea bass.
Yuck! What the hell is that? - Bart! - [GURGLING]: Come on in.
The water's fine.
Boy, you come out of that tank right now! Do some tricks, Bart.
- Oh! - Stop that.
It only encourages him.
Ah! Dad, you got to see this! [HOMER SCREAMS] The Simpsons [AUDIO REWINDS] The Simpso [AUDIO REWINDS] The Simpsons [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] LENNY: Oh, not again! [BEEPS] [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] [LARGO GRUNTS] [CHUCKLES] I nailed it.
I have tears in my eyes, like when I saw David Attenborough's Blue Planet.
Did you really watch them all? Well, most of the first one.
- LARGO: Lisa? - Yes, Mr.
Largo? - I just want to say - And I just want to listen.
RALPH: I'm a tuna! You really should give up the saxophone.
What?! Oh, I know.
I know.
You're fabulous.
Well, then I shouldn't give it up.
I mean, what would you say if I said you had to give up teaching music? I'd say, "Hallelujah!" I could go back to my first love: not teaching music.
We can't do the couch gag.
When is Lisa gonna get here? Worry about yourself.
Why would you ask me to give up the saxophone? Lisa, sweetie, I'm afraid this world is filled with Lisa Simpsons.
- Huh? - Bright, talented and doomed to disappointment.
What you're saying is horrible.
It's horrible.
[CRYING] Mr.
Largo, what is going on here? I'm trying to encourage a student to give up on her dreams! You're crushing it as always, Dewey.
- [LISA CRIES] - I'll take it from here.
Now, Lisa, this is for your own good.
For every Yo-Yo Ma, there's a million Ma-Ma Yos.
And for every Shaun White, there are a million White Shauns.
And for every Albert Einstein, there are a million Herman Schmidbergs.
Okay, so maybe I'll never be great, but shouldn't I try? [CHUCKLES] No.
[CRYING] [KIDS CHATTERING PLAYFULLY] [LAUGHTER] Sleeping people are my canvas.
[WHIMPERS] That's some cutting satire, Simpson.
Yeah.
Check out Bill Maher over here.
[WHIMPERS] Ay, caramba! Let's see.
Little Bo Peep? That'll traumatize him good.
Oh, I got it, the perfect one.
No, not that.
Anything but that! Oh, thanks for your input.
I'll try to come up with an alternative.
Put it on.
- [DOOR OPENS] - JIMBO: Get in there.
[KIDS GASP] [LAUGHTER] Sing like we rehearsed! The sun'll come out tomorrow More pep! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun! Sing until food fills your mouth! Tomorrow, tomorrow [GAGGING] I love ya tomorrow! [MUFFLED] You're always a day away.
Now get the Wite-Out.
Leapin' lizards! He's right.
I know it's true.
I always have.
Honey, ignore everyone, and listen to someone objective: your mother.
You're great! It's too late.
I'm quitting music.
There's a microscope in there, too.
You can sell it.
Don't give up your dream.
When I was little, I dreamed about marrying a dashing prince, and it actually happened! You were married before Dad? No! I mean your father.
My father.
So that's Homer, or There's no "or"! You can't let someone else's opinion tear you down.
I want to hear your sweet music, so suck it in and get downstairs right now! You're the best.
You're the best.
Herman Schmidberg! - For the love of jazz? - [GASPS] [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING] [PLAYING OFF-KEY] I can't play! I just can't! It's in my head, but my hands won't do it! What's with her? [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING] Woo-hoo! Whoa! I'm suffering from beer-tigo! Whoa! [GIGGLES] You don't have to worry about what's wrong with you.
Just find out whatever it is, and you can fix it.
ADHD? No, that's Bart.
OCD? No, that's Mom.
This one's Dad.
This one's Dad.
This one's Dad.
This one's Dad.
What is the name when you can't perform something that you've practiced four times a week since you were three?! MAN [OVER VIDEO]: The yips, named for Dr.
Augustus Yip.
A mysterious psychological condition where well-rehearsed skills suddenly become impossible.
Like all mental disorders, the yips are likely incurable.
Oh, for God sake.
The yips.
I have the yips! Bart, what happened to your pupils? They're Annie'd, okay? MARGE: Lisa, you want to play some more? No! [SIGHS] [LISA CRYING] Lisa, honey, are you okay? You barely touched your green disgustos.
Some nights, there's isn't enough kale in the world to brighten a girl's mood.
[LAUGHS] Oh, that's a good one! - Don't you dare.
- Okay.
I have some news.
My great half step-aunt Eunice Bouvier is turning 100 years old, and she wants us there.
Is this the aunt who lives in Florida? It's not just Florida.
It's Gainesville! I only have two weeks vacation, and I have to spend 'em in Dullsville? Gainesville.
If we have time, we'll take a day trip to Dullsville.
HOMER, LISA AND BART: Oh! It's my turn to pick the vacation! Also, she loves music, so I'm sure she'd like Lisa to play for her.
Stop it! Fine.
The Simpsons are going to Oh, I can't say it.
Gainesville.
I was born in Gainesville, Florida And my father was a tailor And my mother ran a cafe Near the university.
MALE PILOT [OVER P.
A.
]: Uh, takeoff is the most perilous phase of air travel.
If you're gonna crash, that's when it happens.
Wait.
Am I on mic? FEMALE PILOT: Yes, Frank.
Uh, folks, you were just listening to a new play I wrote Death at 600 Feet.
Yeah.
I don't think that's making it better.
Well, thank you for the note, Scott Rudin.
I'm sorry to announce that all our TVs are out.
PASSENGERS [GROANING]: Oh! But you're welcome to read our in-flight magazine, featuring an interview with our CEO Hanuki Atanawa.
PASSENGERS [LOUDER]: Oh! Maybe we'll have one of those passenger riots that seem to occur every other day on U.
S.
airlines.
[WOMAN GRUNTING, PANTING] - Could I get another seat? - No, absolutely not! You chose an economy modest ticket.
Please! They're both farting! All it would take is a single spark to set this powder keg off.
[PASSENGERS GRUNTING] - [CLAMORING] - [BOTTLES CLINKING] PASSENGERS [CHANTING]: Hey, hey, TWA! How many flights did you cancel today?! Hey, hey, TWA! MALE PILOT [OVER P.
A.
]: Folks, I'm afraid due to turbulence among the passengers, we are gonna have to land immediately.
Looks like we will not be going to Gainesville.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING] MALE PILOT: [CHUCKLES] It is pretty great, isn't it? Our new destination is, uh let's see.
- New Orleans! - [PASSENGERS CHEERING] It's a miracle! Everyone wins! [CLOCK TICKING] Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me [CLOCK CONTINUES TICKING] [BAND PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] Look, Lisa! Isn't that nice? The sign's telling you to celebrate! What are you celebrating? Humidity at a 98%.
Don't they sound great? Yep.
More musicians better than me.
Oh, boy.
You're good at cheering her up.
I'll take Bart.
Whoop-de-do.
HOMER: Hmm.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I appreciate you choosing me, Dad, but I don't know how much fun I'll be.
I think I can cheer my princess up.
- I don't think you can.
- Oh, I think I can.
I'm a pretty tough nut.
Well, if you're a nut, I will crack you up.
Not with puns, I'm afraid.
- Yes, I can.
- No, really.
- You like puns.
- No, I don't.
I said cheer up! That kind of scares me.
- Scary "eek" or scary "ha ha"? - Why would you say that? There is no scary "ha ha.
" - Yes, there is.
- No, there isn't.
- What about scary clowns? - Nobody likes scary clowns! - Go to your room! - I'm in New Orleans! That's your answer to everything! HOMER: Did you know that a man can fall in love with a city? It happens slowly at first.
Then when you develop a crush, you find your love just grows and grows.
If you like, you can take that drink on the street.
[GASPS] Even Bourbon Street? [LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] [GASPS] Oh, I'm out.
Enjoy.
HOMER: And then you discover a thousand little things you love about the city.
Cajun crawfish.
Lamb tagine.
Grilled lamb sausage.
Zucchini bisque.
Crabmeat po'boy.
Duck po'boy.
Chicken sausage po'boy.
Crawfish sausage po'boy.
Cochon de lait po'boy.
Turkey giardiniera po'boy.
Roast beef po'boy.
Alligator po'boy.
Catfish amandine.
Crawfish amandine.
Crawfish Ã©touffÃ©e.
Boiled crawfish.
Cajun crawfish.
Cajun shrimp and duck pasta.
Fried crab cake.
Pecan catfish.
Blackened redfish.
Seafood mirliton casserole.
Fried chicken.
Fried green tomatoes.
Stuffed shrimp.
Muffuletta.
Barbecue brisket sandwich.
Barbecue chicken sandwich.
Smoky bacon greens.
Seafood au gratin.
Seafood gumbo.
Frogs' legs.
There's also a lot of historical sites.
HOMER: Chicken gumbo.
Jambalaya.
Spinach artichoke.
Creole sweet potato pone.
Red beans and rice with sausage.
Veggie red beans and rice.
Pralines in cookies.
Oyster pralines.
Oyster shots.
Oyster patties.
Bananas Foster.
King cake.
Dixie cake.
Pecan pie.
Cajun boudin.
Boudin balls.
Crawfish rÃ©moulade.
Shrimp and lump crabmeat ravigote.
Au croissant crawfish po'boy.
And yaka mein.
[SIGHS LOUDLY] Yeah.
Okay, sweetie, Daddy's in love.
So now we'll deal with your sadness.
Okay.
It's good to see you happy, Dad.
[RETCHES] Hold that thought.
Uh, my good boy, is there a vomitorium? This town is famous for five vomitoria: the elegant Creole Vomitorium, the Blues Vomitorium, the traditional Heritage Vomitorium, the Upchuck Mangione Museum, and the bucket over at Chartres Street.
Alert them all.
Would you like to look at historic homes in the Garden District? "Historic"? "Homes"? "Garden"? "District"? Which of those words do you think appeals to me? Okay.
We could talk about your hat.
It has a lot of history, too.
- Did you know that it - [GROANS] All right, wise guy.
Here's something you'll like.
Cool.
I always read better when the letters are dripping like blood.
Bart, you go in there, and I'll pray for you in here.
Please, Lord, please.
I need to finish this, okay? All day, you had.
Please, Lord.
We're a family on a budget.
We just need a little relief from our demons, please.
Hmm.
Where are we? I smell Pringles.
[GROANS] You'll pay.
You'll all pay! - Mom, will you pay for this? - [GROANS]: Oh.
Now, sweetie, let's find a restaurant for you.
I don't think my problem can be solved by crawfish and jambalaya.
I wonder, do they have jazz in New Orleans? Okay, Lisa, look at your hero for an hour.
I'm gonna take a whiz in the cemetery next door.
[HUMS A TUNE] Okay, who to choose? Who to choose? Ooh, Etienne de BorÃ©.
I wish you could talk.
[GRUNTS EXCITEDLY] Man, I have been waiting for someone to make that wish.
What's on your mind? My music teacher says there'll always be someone better than me.
[CHUCKLES] Well, that's not the only way to be part of jazz.
Well, I could be a jazz critic or a music executive.
Jazz critic? Music executive? They're nothing but glorified grave robbers.
Look what I found in one of the graves.
- Put that back! - [HOMER GROANS] Lisa, darling, you just keep searching.
You can find anything you want in New Orleans.
Except, apparently, statue polish and pigeon poison.
Thank you.
And may I ask you, how are things in heaven? You know that thing we used to call reefer and you people now call medicine? I do.
Well, they have it up in heaven, and it is mighty fine.
Mighty fine! [LAUGHS] So, any last advice? Your father knows best.
Let's go to a bar.
- But - Daddy's right.
Can I sing you out? Anything but "What a Wonderful World" please.
Can you sing "What a Wonderful World"? What a horrible world.
HOMER: Okay, I moved her from crying to glum.
Now to shoot for happy.
I just pray they don't see through her fake I.
D.
MAN: Hmm.
Well, it's better than his.
Uh-huh.
[BART LAUGHS] Milhouse, anything yet? No effect.
But how's Lisa dealing with her depression? Oh, give up on Lisa.
Wait for Maggie.
Oh, I don't Wait! Maggie likes me? Still not working.
What's not working? Uh, Bart's got voodoo dolls of all you guys.
[SCOFFS] There's no voodoo in Gainesville.
Their flight got diverted to New Orleans.
[ALL WHIMPER] [GRUNTS] You hackeyed the wrong sack! [ALL GRUNTING] It's working! So, has Maggie said anything about me? We have a lot in common.
Same bedtime.
We both like clapping.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Come on, we've got to go meet your father.
Let's go.
Well, there's no miracle for me here.
[CRIES] Why? Don't worry, sweetie.
No one can see you.
You're alone in the dark, anonymous.
- Spotlight?! - What?! Lisa, would you do us the honor of joining us onstage? How do you know me? That man is my uncle.
[GASPS] Bleeding Gums Murphy? - We called him Oscar.
- Oscar! Oh.
Oscar Gums Murphy.
You still play bari sax? I wish I could play for you, Bleeding Gums' nephew, but I have the yips.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, could you hold this while I play clarinet? Now, could you give the mouthpiece a little kiss? I think I see through your simple plan.
My uncle said you were the most promising young musician - he'd ever met.
- He did? [SCOFFS] It was kind of an insult to me, but he was pretty passive-aggressive.
So, are you gonna play? Yes! I want to jam! I want to scat! I want to riff! I want to get down! Oh! [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] [CROWD CHEERING] She's playing.
You did it, Homie! Marge, I just realized, we've helped everyone else, but we haven't done anything for you.
A mother's happy as long as all her children are happy.
Another one, sir? No, that's not my Uh, yeah.
Uh, this one straight up.
Aw.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC] HOMER: Lisa, knock off that racket! LISA: Oh, how I've missed this.
[GASPS] Mr.
Armstrong! - Why does a ghost sweat? - I don't know.
But I would give anything for a new shirt.
[BOTH LAUGH] I'd also really like to be alive again.
[LAUGHS] [SIGHS] The beignet eliminates the only flaw of the donut: there is no hole.
[FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING] [FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING] [SIGHS] Well, we did it, kids.
And the best thing is, the next episode will beat Gunsmoke.
What about all the episodes they made on radio? - Have a beignet.
- [GRUNTS] [FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Forgive and Regret
The Simpsons s29e18 Episode Script
Forgive and Regret
1 Can't let you do it.
Can't let you break my record.
LENNY, CARL AND BARNEY: 27 28 Okay, Homer, this is the last pickled egg.
Keep it down and you win 50 bucks.
Okay.
If I win, we're going out for omelets.
Yeah! I am the champion of this very bad idea.
Uh-oh.
He's gonna blow.
Hey, Moe, you're not gonna serve those eggs, are you? No, no.
I, uh, I find another use for them.
Hmm.
I was 50 bucks up until I blew every egg out of my belly.
Oh! Whoa! Hey, there, pal.
I'm afraid that was the mayor's favorite light pole.
You give me the car, I give you 500 bucks and I make all of this go away.
Uh, this is awkward.
You don't have to thank me.
Ugh! Marge.
When you start a sentence with "Marge," it's really bad.
Marge, Marge, Marge.
I sold our car.
- What are you gonna drive? - Your car.
Oh.
Well, then I guess I'll be riding the bus.
That's right.
Like rock stars and Rosa Parks.
Now just wait till you see what's become of our car.
Feast your eyes on this.
Why are you showing me this? I don't get it.
And I'm crying.
Lousy wrong channel.
The Legends of Demolition Derby-Derby-Derby are coming to Springfield- Springfield-Springfield! So shut up! And get your ass-ass-ass over-over-over here-here-here! Proceeds go to stuttering-stuttering-stuttering.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
We've got all the Demolition Derby greats! Vince "Dead Tooth" McGee! James "Psychiatric Disorder" Porter.
"Meth" MacFarland.
Mysterious Fandango and a very drunk Billy Joel.
I'm sorry, but most of these names mean nothing to me.
Here it comes! And making his triumphant return to the Crash Zone after a full skull transplant, Gene "No Helmet" Dupree! Eh? My car in a demolition derby! And we got primo tickets for Saturday night.
Look at them fan.
Wait, wait, wait.
This is the point where Lisa always ruins it.
No, I'm good with it.
People get out their aggression and destroy carbon-burning cars.
See? Ruined it.
And then I noticed there wasn't any more cinnamon on top of my rice pudding.
And I said, "Where's the cinnamon?" And they said, "There never was any cinnamon, Abe.
" Fine, Dad, we'll get you some cinnamon! I can't tolerate cinnamon! So, I started asking everyone in the TV room if they remembered the cinnamon and the answer will surprise you.
The results were incon When did you get that put in? Worth every penny.
But how many pennies is that? Homer Simpson, you can't just Hmm.
All right, young'uns.
You know that movie Cars that you likes? Uh-huh.
Well, all your favorite characters is gonna commit suicide here today.
- Huh? - What? Ladies and gentlemen, please silence all cell phones and holster all truck nuts.
And now, in conformance with the latest paleontological theories about dinosaurs, please welcome the all-new Truckasaurus Two.
I love you, Steven Spielberg.
Now, a brief moment in memory of those we lost in the past week.
And now let the bash-'em-ups begin! If I get hit by a brain, can I keep it? Be sure to get it signed afterwards.
There's our car! Wow.
Without Dad's weight in it, it really moves.
Oh, my God, this is it.
Only one car stands in our way.
It's down to Homer's Boner and Car-rak Obama, the Affordable Healthcare Mobile, which you can't kill no matter how hard you try.
My whole life has been leading to this one moment.
Oh! My chest hurts! That's called pride.
My arm is numb! Numb with pride.
Son, I need to go to the hospital.
Huh? Sure, Dad.
I missed it.
Can you see the pain you're causing him? Go on, git! I'm sorry to say it, uh, doesn't look good.
Homer, your father would like to see you, uh, one last time.
I hope you've got a return receipt on that balloon.
I always do.
Homer, there's something I need to tell you.
I'll give you two a moment in this, uh, semiprivate room.
Where is the nurse with my Son, I did a terrible thing many years ago and I need you to forgive me before before it's too late.
Anything, Dad.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You already said that part.
Remember, you can't tell anyone.
It's awful! I swear.
Now get to the point.
You didn't! Okay.
I forgive you.
Your conscience is the one clean thing in this room.
Well, we tried everything we could and the last thing worked.
How did you save him? When a body is in too much pain, the brain releases a hormone to bring a merciful death.
But an expensive new drug blocks that and keeps him alive.
What a glorious day! I'm gonna live and my son has forgiven me for the worst thing I ever did.
Yes.
Forgiven.
Sir, you just destroyed a box of hospital cotton balls.
- That's $75,000.
- D'oh! Now I want to watch my favorite new show, currently in its 17th season.
It looks like another murder at Jackson Island Naval Base.
That's what makes America great.
Prompt investigation of in-house naval crimes.
Homie, look who's here.
Yeah, I see.
Oh, Homer, are you a Sunday puzzle? 'Cause you sure seem down and a'cross.
My dad did something to me I can never forgive.
No worse than what God did to his son and they wrote a book together.
Bye.
He tricked me with his code blue and his flatlining.
And I fell for it like a sap.
What did he do? I promised him not to say what he told me, but I will never look at him the same way again.
Yeah, but you forgave me, so that means you have to love me.
Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah.
Marjorie, I'm sorry, but I do not want to be in the same room with this man.
I'm going to Moe's.
Then I'm going to Moe's! Then I'm staying here.
A gun and a sailor hat.
Nothing screams naval crime more than that.
I'm going to Moe's.
I hate seeing a father and a son sit at opposite ends of the bar 'cause it means I got to walk more.
Now come on, youse guys.
Bury the ol' hatchet.
Hey, life is short.
You could be killed by a drunk driver, die of cirrhosis, stabbed in a bar fight.
All kinds of random bad things happen to my customers.
All right, look, here's 50 cents, huh? Play the jukebox and the love tester.
You heard Ray Charles.
Actually, in my jukebox, we can't afford no Ray Charles.
It's a white guy named, uh, Charles Ray.
Excellent vision, excellent vision.
Dad, Grampa, the place we're going is the perfect way to make you guys friends again.
I went there for Janey's last birthday party.
You think you can solve our problems at a kids' birthday party place? It's cheaper than therapy and it comes with cake.
If cake solved problems, Homer would have a Nobel Peace Prize.
That's a bullcrap prize.
They gave it to Kissinger.
Welcome to the Escape Zone.
The latest attempt to get people to save a dying mall.
Now, would you like to be buried alive? Done it for real.
How about Medieval Dungeon? Got to be less torture than listening to him.
Hey.
Thank you.
Okay, you two are trapped in a dungeon.
The only way out is to solve ten puzzles by working together.
Yeah, whatever.
Super! They're just sitting there.
I bet they'd hurry if they knew we had balloons.
They're moving.
Son, if you take this sword and stick it in that magic portal, I think it might open a bookcase somewhere.
Yes, that makes perfect sense.
I'll just Homer? You're not getting out to say good-bye to your dad? He's probably afraid we'll see how much the car lifts when he gets out.
No, I'm not.
There's only one way to make you guys understand.
I'll tell you what Grampa told me.
That was in confidence.
And in this family, we keep our promises.
Starting now.
I am telling.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I hate conflict.
- Then just leave your body.
- Okay.
Hey! When I was growing up, my dad loved to make model World War II airplanes.
Watch it, son.
You're gonna break the wing.
Oh, now you got glue up your nose.
Oh! Don't eat the decal.
How many have you had? Just leave me be.
Oh! I work hard all week at the model plane factory, and this hobby is my one escape.
Can you please watch this little monster? When he gave me to her, it was the best thing he could've done.
- This is the dough.
- Dough.
Yes, dough.
Now, I need someone very strong to roll this out.
Love you.
She loved me.
And for each pie she made, she wrote down the recipe and put a special note to me on the back.
We don't know what life will bring, so on your birthday or any day you need it, you'll know that your mother loved you and have reasons to love yourself.
You just taught me food is love.
I like myself.
That lunch box was the most valuable possession I ever had.
When she left, those recipes were all I had left of her.
And that's the end.
What a sweet story.
And there's some things that shouldn't be gone into until a man is dead and can't be kicked.
After she ran away, my father was furious and did something terrible.
He threw my recipes off a cliff.
Everything that reminded him of her.
He lied to me.
He told me she took the recipes with her when she left.
Are you sure, Daddy? Yes.
And don't ask me again till I'm on my deathbed.
Wait.
Why are you looking like that? If this man had had those notes, his life would've been different.
He would've had confidence.
He would've had his mother with him! I would've had hair! Homie, that's not very realistic.
And I would've been more realistic.
- Grampa, so thoughtless.
- Mean old man.
His slippers don't even have bottoms anymore.
I never thought I'd say this word, but here it comes: coot.
Homer, why are you smiling? We're finally hating together as a family.
What do you say we all go to that home and yell at Grampa? Oh, that would be lovely.
Now enjoy this sweet song of hate.
If I could save hate in a bottle The first thing that I'd like to do Is to hate every day Till eternity passes away Then end with a giant screw you But there never seems to be enough time To hate the things you want to hate Once you hate them.
- Lousy Grampa.
- So heartless.
Always calls me "buddy" or "fella.
" Don't forget he's hard of hearing.
Lousy Grampa! So heartless! What you did was crap, Grampa! - I want to yell at him first.
- I want to yell at him first.
Hey, has anyone considered the silent treatment? The silent treatment doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
It does not work.
Okay, fine, it works.
It works so well.
Please say something.
How long has it been? Three months? I don't even remember a time before this.
Where's Grampa? - He hasn't touched his lunch.
- Or his lunch meds.
"My beloved family" Oh, boy.
"I've learned an important lesson, never get things off your chest.
Which reminds me of a gal named Chesty Lazar.
She ran a speakeasy on Hawaii right before Pearl Harbor.
Pearl Harbor was the name of the lady who bought the joint" Digression digression Crazy talk Ah, here's the end.
The point is, confessing don't really make you feel better, 'cause it don't redo the bad thing you did.
So I'm gonna undo what I done if it's the last thing I do.
Hmm.
Mm.
Oh, no.
He's heading for that cliff to look for those recipes.
I'm gonna find him, save him, and tell him I can't wait till he dies.
Leave me alone.
I'm gonna find it.
Don't do it, Dad! Most is forgiven! Wait, what's your rope tied to? - Hmm? - Hmm? Oh, my God.
Please be okay.
Please be okay.
Oh Hmm? Don't worry, son.
This will give you all the rope you need.
Dad, no! I love you.
Mom left, but you were there.
Cranky, a little drunk, sometimes not there, but you were always there.
Oh.
You love me.
That's all I need to hear.
Good thing I also threw out your mother's bed when she left.
I can still smell her perfume.
And I've got the recipes back.
Huh? Oh.
They're gone, just like Mom.
- I'm sorry, son.
- It's okay, Dad.
Life doesn't always give you neat endings that tie everything up in a bow.
Mmm.
This pie is fantastic.
It's what I imagine eating great jazz would be like.
Always with the jazz.
It tastes exactly like my mom used to make.
Exactly! Excuse me, how the hell did you get this recipe? It was a miracle, actually.
33 years ago, this place wasn't doing well, possibly due to our location under a cliff.
I went out to contemplate my fate when suddenly, like a gift from God, the recipes came.
I'd never seen such recipes, such brilliant fruit combinations and such beautiful messages on the back.
Those messages were for me.
Well, then you should have them.
Everything tied up in a bow.
What's it say? It says, uh "Your father is an okay guy.
" - Aw, thanks for telling me.
- Thanks for buying it.
Mr.
Simpson, based on your budget, I am afraid there's only one car on this lot you can afford.
You know this car? Do I! Aw, I thought that's where you were.
Geez, what's wrong with her?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Left Behind
The Simpsons s29e19 Episode Script
Left Behind
1 [EXCLAIMING] - Worth it.
- Totally worth it.
Again! MARGE: Dinnertime! Dad, are you gonna watch the solar eclipse? Sorry, but this is pork chop night.
OTHERS: Ooh! LISA: Ah! Way to go, God! Huh? [SHOUTING] Aah! My eyes! I told you to use the cardboard box! I thought you meant for standing on.
Marge, you gonna eat that piece of burnt gristle? - No.
- Whoo-hoo! - [CHEWING NOISILY] - Homer! Did you pour fry pan grease into the milk carton? - Yes, but it's not for - Just a splash for my coffee.
[GROANS] I wanted to watch the eclipse with you.
I can only imagine what you've got planned for date night tomorrow.
Date night?! Marge, if we're still dating, why in the world do we have these kids? - What? [GROANS] - Hmm? Hey! You need to make me feel you're as smitten with me as you were when we met.
Marge, darling, you mean as much to me as the sun and the moon.
There was an eclipse of the sun by the moon, and you didn't even walk outside.
Come on, Marge, you can't be that mad.
- [GRUMBLING] - Uh-oh.
[GROANS] Marge wants a date night this Saturday.
You think you've got problems? I'm really not liking this new bar mix.
This Saturday? Is she crazy? That's when we spray nitrous in the ant farm and watch 'em go nuts.
Yeah, here's a taste.
Stupid ants.
Maybe I could have a date night here.
Sure.
I'll make it nice.
Take the paint cans out of the ladies' room, just like the Waldorf Hysteria there.
I don't know what to do.
I want it to be perfect.
I've spent so long ignoring how she thinks and feels.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a real crotch-22 there.
You know, Moe, a lot of what you think you're saying, you're not really saying.
Well, I got to admit, I've been doing a little of this nitrous myself.
[CHUCKLES] [INHALES] Oh.
[CHUCKLES] [SLURRING]: Stupid ants.
[CACKLES] My funny valentine Sweet comic valentine You make me smile With my heart Your looks are laughable.
Aw.
You didn't have to do that.
That and much, much more.
- - Huh? - - Huh? [LAUGHS] Corkage fee.
$30 dollars? Corkage is the sum we charge for opening the wine you bring, sir.
30 bucks to open a box?! I mean, nothing's too good for this lady.
- Play the violin.
- I am just a waiter, sir.
I said play the violin.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY] [PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC] [LAUGHS] After dinner drinks.
I feel like Mrs.
Remington Steele.
Con te partiro Paesi che non ho mai [BOTH MOANING] [GRAMPA SNORING] I want you.
I want you! And I want you.
Only you.
Oh.
Ooh.
[MOANS]: Oh.
What the? [KNOCK ON DOOR] - [KNOCKING CONTINUES] - [HOMER GRUNTING] Oh.
Sweetie, I-I think you'd better see who it is.
- [SIGHS] - Homer, I know it's late and you've got your "Keep Out, Flanders" sign up, but, uh, I'm sorry, I-I [SOBS] [SNIFFLES] I'm feeling mighty low, sir.
- MARGE: Who is it, Homie? - It's stupid no one.
Flanders? What's wrong? Marge, it's date night! That's a made-up thing.
FLANDERS: Mmm-mmm.
Lukewarm water.
If I close my eyes, I can pretend I'm at the dentist.
[SLURPS, SIGHS] Afterwards, I'll grab some Flintstone vitamins and try to knock myself out.
Half a Bamm-Bamm should do it.
Ned, what happened? [SIGHS] I'm out of work.
The Leftorium is no-morium.
Hey, Ned.
I can't hack it anymore.
You want to buy my side of the kiosk? I'll get all the people coming out of Sears! But I got squat.
People are getting all their southpaw sundries online.
All I was getting were right-handed college students who wanted to experiment.
Don't worry, Ned.
Homer will tell you how to get a job at the plant.
- I will? - Yes, you will.
- Because it's date night.
- You said that wasn't a thing.
- Let's not fight on date night.
- Oh, all right.
Call the plant and ask for Human Resources.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh, thank you.
And as a reward, you get my famous cocoa.
Now, I assume the two of you will want a cup? [SIGHS] Make my next one a double.
- - [MUSIC PLAYING THROUGHOUT] I cannot be your head of Human Resources one more second, okay? With the verbal abuse and the physical abuse, and the lying under oath.
And especially this! Would you like to be the new head of Human Resources? To quote my pet turtle, "Shell yes!" Not so fast.
You may have to give me blood from time to time.
Yes, sir.
My blood's like my attitude: - B-positive.
- Excellent.
Isn't this great? We're carpooling to work.
So I can see you in the morning, at work, in the evening, and in my dreams, thanking you for saving my life.
Look, Ned, we're just driving together.
I don't want any "iddlies," "diddlies," "neighborinos" or "oopsy-doopsies.
" - Okily-dokily.
- Here's another suggestion: no talk, just music.
Oh, sure.
That's why I brought this CD of Christian favorites, Magical Ministry Tour.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Pray, pray, heart and soul Stick another dime in the poor box, baby.
- Maybe we should talk.
- [MUSIC STOPS] Well, of course, my friend.
- Want to talk about Jesus? - No.
- Want to talk about Ecclesiastes? - No.
- Want to talk about baby Jesus? - [MUSIC RESUMES] Pray, pray, heart and soul Stick another dime and I'll pray with thee.
Let's crank it up to six.
[CROW CAWS] - - BURNS: You'll notice on your paycheck, we've adjusted for desk rental and electrical power usage.
[CHUCKLES] Isn't this a power plant? As defined by the IRS, we are a religion.
And that is the last question you'll ask of me.
I will break you in one day.
- - Now we're gonna do a little role-playing with Smitty and Jacqueline.
Smitty, pretend you're greeting her.
Uh, have a good one.
Okay, stop right there.
A good one, what? An unspecified object is the devil's wordplay, so I say, "Come and go with a hidely-ho!" What a wuss.
I can hear you.
Did you help this wuss get this job? I just told him who to call.
And you didn't put in a good word? - No.
- You idiot.
A recommendation from you would've sunk him for sure.
Okay, what happens if I touch her? Mm.
Go ahead.
Hey, good work today.
This hardly seems fair! Your behavior is obnoxious and offensive.
You'll be working for me in a different capacity.
- - Hmm.
[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS] - What are you doing, Lisa? - Making an art project.
- You color very neatly.
- Thank you.
Pride's a sin.
[GROANS] So is snitching to God, Rod.
I'm Todd.
I think.
[CROW CAWS] [SNORING] Homer.
Homer.
Hey, hey! [SHOUTING GROGGILY] Homer, you were sleeping at work.
I had to mop up your drool.
HOMER: Leave me alone.
To beef up team spirit, I thought I'd form a little prayer circle at lunch.
Um, if you pray at lunch, aren't you interrupting God's lunch? Finally, someone thinks about God.
[TODD HUMMING] Um, Todd, do you have anything else you can do? - Can I pray for you? - Ugh.
If you do it silently.
[QUIETLY]: Dear Lord, let Lisa avoid [LOUDER]: the cleansing fire foretold by the Council of Nicaea before they got leprosy! - That's not silently! - You have such great hearing.
[GROANS] I miss Milhouse.
I knew if I switched from white to dark socks, things would start happening.
Uh, you wanted to see me? [SIGHS] I happen to know your father didn't die.
Look, Ned, you have to learn the way things work around here.
People cut corners.
You have to let things slide.
Let me repeat.
Sorry, Homer, I can't cut you any slack.
I owe it to you to help you achieve your potential.
Maybe you could help get me another job at the plant.
One where you don't have to show up, like safety inspector.
But you are the safety inspector.
Then I should really return these things that have fallen down my back.
They look like gummy worms, but they're not.
I can't take it.
I can't take it! Why can't he be like our neighbor on the other side who we never see? What's the matter, Homie? [SOBBING]: Oh, no.
No.
No.
[DOOR CREAKS] Eh? Oh, Lord, it's Homer Simpson.
I forget.
Are you seven hours ahead or behind? Whatever.
I really need your help with Flanders.
Could you please get him fired? I feel you.
Thanks.
Oh, I reached him.
So, looking through the records, I discovered this company has never given anything to charity.
In fact, it looks as if we've actually taken money from charities.
Ned, would you mind if I brought a few associates into this meeting? [CHUCKLES]: Well, no.
- [DOGS BARKING] - [FLANDERS SCREAMS] - You're fired! - Nice boy, nice boy! You're welcome to keep any radiation that seeped into your bones.
Speaking of charity, call the orphanage, Smithers.
We have some leaks in our pipes and need tiny hands to plug them.
Uh, they said they wouldn't send you any children, sir.
[SCOFFS] They have to say that.
I want to thank you, Homer.
You've been a true blue friend.
Can we talk about something fun? I now weigh more than Fat Elvis.
Well, I know I got one advantage you don't.
I got Homer Simpson in my corner.
Um, Ned, I have a confession to make.
Now don't go turning Catholic on me.
I can't.
I don't fit in those booths.
Ah, don't worry about me.
I'm sure there's a job out there for a Bob Jones University grad who majored in teaching and casting out demons and who speaks fluent Aramaic.
[TIRES SCREECH] - [GASPS] - [DOG GROWLING] Hmm.
Wish Mr.
Burns didn't send these home with you.
A word to the wise: don't be cocky.
Don't say you can lifeguard if you can't swim.
[CHUCKLES] It'll come up, believe me.
- - - - One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Make sure you keep at least five Bibles between you.
Oh, don't got crazy, Patrick Swayze.
Time to put Baby in the corner.
[SCREAMS] Mm-mm, mm-mm.
You can't pose for your cover photo like that.
Much better.
[SCREAMS] [SIGHS] [TIRES SCREECH] [FLANDERS GROANS] Ned, would you like to say grace? [CLEARS THROAT] Heavenly Father, thank you for the blessing of being tested, losing my wife, losing my second wife, losing four jobs, and losing $23 at blackjack to Bart.
23 chips, so $2,300.
- I'll finish grace at home.
- Can you do that? Yes, I can do that! Oh, God, now the apologies are gonna start.
I apologize for my tone of voice, and for the things I said.
And now, as penance, I will get that skunk out of your birdhouse.
I don't care what you say, Marge.
We got to help him! I want to help him.
Good, good.
The ice queen begins to thaw.
Oh, Lord, give me a sign you're still with me.
Mm.
Poor Ned.
It really helps to eat your feelings.
I've got it! I know what job Ned can do! Well, go tell him.
He goes to bed in five minutes.
Ned, Ned! You should be what Jesus was! - A carpenter? - No.
- Fisherman? - No.
- Foot washer? - No.
- Wine creator? - No.
- Water walker? - No.
- Superstar? - No.
- Dashboard ornament? - No! A teacher.
I think you should be a teacher.
Like Jesus.
Lord, should I do it? And you shall receive it.
He's looking right at us, and he's not doing a thing! Duffman hates Duffmankind! Oh, yeah! Up in the morning and out to school The teacher is teaching the golden rule - - American history and practical math You studying hard I promised I wouldn't cry on his first day of school.
- [SNIFFLES] - Let's play the frozen game.
[BOTH GRUNT] So, rub-a-dub-dub, 30 kids and their sub.
Let's be friends, shall we? KIDS [CHANTING]: Teacher, teacher, you must quit.
You can't teach us math or lit.
There's no mercy in the bunch.
We will make you leave by lunch.
Martin Prince? Were you in on that poem? Oh, they paid me.
A gig's a gig.
Well, sir, I'm not scared off.
I got two little wild things at home.
Now, who can name the state capitals? - A dingus.
- [LAUGHTER] Well, in that case, I'm the biggest dingus in the world.
[LAUGHTER] Okay, then, let's give Mr.
Flanders a room 4F salute.
[KIDS CLAMORING] Simpson, take the kill shot.
Why me? - Prove your loyalty.
- My loyalty to what? To peer pressure.
Bart Simpson, I know you we've been fishing together, we've gone to church together and if you can fire that spit wad after our long relationship, I don't deserve to be a teacher.
Aah! [GROANS]: Oh.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Last lesson, kids.
"F" is for foolish and failure and Flanders.
You win.
Yes? Look, what is your deal? Do you like me? Do you want to be like me? Lisa, I have something to show you.
- What? - I made you a little house.
There's me praying.
There's you at the computer.
I made you a saxophone out of dried macaroni, and the crackers on the roof they're solar panels.
Todd, I had you all wrong.
You're a wonderful kid, and I'm happy to call you my pal.
So glad I have a friend.
I'm really sick of my brother.
Okay, that's enough.
What's the matter, Homer? [SIGHS] I think I ruined Flanders' life.
- BART: Join the club.
- What are you doing here? I come here for a G&T gumball and talk.
Here you go, pal.
Listen, you've got to apologize to Flanders.
Why don't you apologize to Flanders? You're the one who prayed for him to get fired.
What? He should apologize to me, because he well, he he makes me feel so damn guilty! All right, I'll apologize, too.
What's she doing here? Hello.
She's my designated driver.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Hey, fellas.
What brings you here? We came to say we're sorry, and we want you to go back to teaching.
Oh, with all I've been through, I've never questioned my faith until now.
You spit-wadded my moustache, boy.
I think you could be a great teacher.
Almost as good as her.
[SNIFFLES] Thank you, son.
Remember, if you can teach one kid one thing, then today will be a success.
She never gave up.
- Neither will I.
- Great.
Now, this counts as a parent-teacher conference and a Christmas concert.
Well, that's all well and good, but I got to get those kids to respect me.
Do people respect God? No, they fear him.
It's never personal, just business.
[THUNDER RUMBLING] Just leave everything to me.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] - [WILLIE HUMMING] [KIDS CLAMORING] Listen up, children.
If you push hard enough on the pudding skin, there's a tough cup of vanilla beneath.
- Now take your seats.
- How you gonna make us? [BART HUMS] I won't.
The good Lord will.
- - [KIDS EXCLAIMING] Haw Huh? [WHIMPERS] The scariest thing is we don't have a class skeleton! [SCREAMS] Truly, God is the biggest bully of them all.
KIDS: Amen.
Now, Nelson, I'm not gonna ask you to stand and read me a list of state capitals, but the good Lord might be pleased.
Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta, Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Does the Lord hear the bell up there? Yes, son, he does.
[EXCITED CHATTER] Thank you, Bart.
I knew deep within you, there was a good boy, and I respectfully request that those be the last two pranks you pull.
You know it, man.
FLANDERS: Wow, they're quiet.
I'm reaching them.
Edna was right.
MILHOUSE: Hmm.
Does that cute school nurse know that I'm alive? Because last time I left her office, I was legally dead.
SHERRI: I have to beat Terri to a training bra.
BART: I wonder how much I can sell Maggie for.
HAMSTER: I'm starting to think this wheel doesn't go anywhere.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Throw Grampa from the Dane
The Simpsons s29e20 Episode Script
Throw Grampa from the Dane
1 [SHOUTS] [PRINTERS WHIRRING] - Mmm.
Jam.
- [PRINTER BEEPING] [YAWNS, LAUGHS] [FOOTSTEP SPLASHES] Okay, okay.
The only explanation is I'm still asleep, dreaming that the house is flooded.
What does it mean? What does it mean? It probably means you're under a lot of stress because this is not a dream and the house is flooded.
- D'oh! - Cowabunga! [MARGE HUMMING] [GASPS] MARGE: Oh, my God.
This is horrible! Although, I do like the sofa better where the water's carrying it.
How did this happen? Homie, I don't like where the painting is.
Maybe you're upset about something else.
Are you hungry? Why don't you make some pork chops? Fine.
Now can you hang the painting? Always with the painting.
MARGE: Perfect.
Wait, no, no, it's not.
Try again.
Mm.
No, split the difference.
See? When you listen to me, we make a great team.
It's almost like I can hear the ocean.
I guess we're both at fault.
In a way, that's refreshing.
Do you want me to apologize anyway? - I'd be happy to.
- Aw, no, thanks, sweetie.
HOMER: Hmm.
Well, either way, I'm sorry.
Okay, now, when we try to sell the house, no one mention the water.
Just tell me you paid the insurance.
You mean that bill that's floating right there? [LAUGHS] It's not due till tomorrow, so relax.
My origami project.
Don't worry, sweetie.
We'll have a funeral for it.
GIL: All right.
I-I'll just pull up your policy.
Alt-Control-F Aw, damn it! Kate! Kate, can you get in here? It's a different generation that knows how to work these things.
- Enjoy.
- Eh, the kids, huh? They just know how to do it.
Now let's see here.
[MURMURS QUIETLY] You're in luck! The policy I sold you covers the full replacement value of your house.
[HOMER WHOOPS] We also pay for six months temporary housing.
Now the bad news: your policy is the only one I've sold.
It just cost the company a bundle, and I'm gonna lose my job.
Gee, sorry, ol' Gil.
That's okay, I got options: unemployment, suicide.
When one door closes, a coffin opens.
Eh, what am I saying? I don't make coffin money.
But now I got something to work towards! That's right.
Kate, can you tell me how to charge a cell phone? Whoa, whoa, whoa, so wall holes make things charge? [LAUGHS] What's next? There are some nice Airbnb options on the Westside.
Ooh.
Huh? Huh? Mm, I'd feel kind of weird sleeping in the bedroom of someone I know.
Everything okay with the room? [SHOUTS] You're not supposed to be back from your vacation for three weeks.
It's not a vacation.
My dad is doing seasonal fruit picking.
Come on, Milhouse.
I need you on my shoulders to reach the high apples.
And I don't want to be in a room where guys walked around with their dinguses out.
No! No, don't imagine that! So, son, uh, word on the street is you've come into some money.
Yeah? I was wondering, you know, uh just hear me out I've always considered you a friend, and Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the most precious kind of money there is: unearned, and it's mine.
And you're not getting at it just because you need a bigger TV or a room with a window or An operation.
You need an operation? What's the matter? If it's all the same, it's embarrassing, and I'd rather not discuss it publicly.
Really? What could it be? Look, it's important to me and pricey.
What could it be? "Pane in the ass"? [BUZZING] [IMITATES BUZZER] Hands off! I need professional help! Not to worry.
This is the United States.
We have the third best health care system in North America.
Hi, Medicare! I mean, hi, every-money.
Can I speak with the doctor alone? Of course.
Oh, wait, I'm the doctor.
That's why I wear the heart listening tube.
Ba-boom, ba-boom.
That never gets old.
What's taking Grampa so long in there? It's crazy that medical costs are so high here.
In Denmark to pick a country at random health care is free.
Free? Honey, nothing is free but Splendas.
In Denmark, they make everyone pay high taxes.
Even rich people.
Yes, and they get free health care.
It's called socialism.
Socialism? But all my radio loudmouths tell me to hate that.
That doc can't do nothing for me.
You know, if Grampa was in Denmark and he had an accident, he'd get medical care for free! I can't go to Denmark by myself.
I get lost in the middle of a sentence, and that was the best pie I ever had.
Wait a minute.
What if we used our insurance money to take a family trip to Denmark? Why would we want to go to Denmark? It is the happiest country on Earth, in poll after poll.
I got your poll right here.
Hey, you're right.
Homer, you've got the vacation coming.
We've got the money.
It's settled.
We're going to Denmark, and Grampa will get fixed.
Well, Homer, looks like Marge is the boss in your house.
Well, I say we don't go! But we need to go.
I'm desperate! Fine, we'll go.
[LAUGHS] That woman's got you right under her thumb.
DANISH MAN: None of these were chosen as the name of our airline.
Danish Air.
Excuse me, sir, the "no smoking" sign has been illuminated.
[ELECTRONIC CHIMING] Sorry.
The flight attendants are so sweet.
We will be landing in Copenhagen shortly.
If you have been designing and building furniture during the flight, please apply your final coat of varnish now.
Hey, I got things done, too.
GRAMPA: What the?! SOREN: Denmark, the jewel of the Baltic.
First-class schools, sleek furniture design, energy independence, and brooding TV dramas about teenagers getting killed.
Thank you so much for renting my apartment.
It's so efficient.
Please allow me to give you a tour of Copenhagen.
Wonderful.
But first, a nap.
No, Homer.
You slept on the plane.
You slept through customs.
You slept on the bus.
How can you sleep now? Don't you hear Copenhagen calling? Take a message.
The people here are so openly affectionate.
Why don't we all hold hands? Are we supposed to interlock fingers or not? Cramp! Cramp! Dad's hands are covered with jam.
- I can't get it off! - Grampa's hands are too rough.
- Lisa's hands are too soft.
- Just keep holding.
Oh, don't worry, the government will pay you to learn this social skill.
Uh, Homer, you are holding your own hand.
They're fighting over a Danish.
SOREN: Created in 1913, The Little Mermaid is a world-famous icon of Denmark.
No, The Little Mermaid was created by Disney, right before he created Spider-Man and Star Wars.
This is the real little mermaid.
And she was a very tragic figure.
- What about her buddy, the crab? - There was no crab! He was the only funny thing in it.
Got that right.
Oh, my God, it's wonderful.
More people biking than driving cars.
Yes, it's rush hour, so people are taking the bicycle superhighways home.
Uh, how crowded are your bicycle superhighways? [CHUCKLES]: Well We don't have any.
But how many people ride bikes in your town? The paperboy, till Dad hit him.
Sadly, the one headline he couldn't deliver.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the car! [HOMER AND BART LAUGH] What? It's Danish for "speed check.
" - Fart kontrol.
- [HOMER AND BART LAUGHING] [BLOWS RASPBERRIES] [GIGGLES] I apologize for my husband.
In our language, that sign means something else.
Yes, I know.
I'm speaking to you in your language.
"Non-Danes do not qualify for the free health care.
"But if you injure yourself in Denmark, a Danish hospital will treat you for free.
" [CHUCKLES] I can't believe the government puts this out.
For free! [HOMER AND GRAMPA LAUGH] Excuse me, you dropped this.
Lisa, this is Prince Christian, second in line to the throne.
I play the tenor sax.
Oh, no, here it comes.
The fantasy about becoming a princess that no girl can resist.
[TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE] [DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK MUSIC PLAYING] Bart, get out of my fantasy! Ah, geez, I saved your life.
How about a "you're welcome"? Can you imagine how exciting it would be to live in this city? Ooh, Mom, we could try it for a semester.
Do you know how long I've wanted to live in a Celsius country? There's boobs on the billboards! And we're here in the world's most perfect amusement park.
[FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING] [BOTH GASP] [CHOIR SINGING IN DANISH] Their national anthem is so beautiful, and they don't get to war until the second verse.
And it's in a range you can actually sing.
There is a lovely land With spreading shady beech-trees Near salty eastern shore Near salty eastern shore.
Bart and Lisa are getting along! This country is calling to us.
Homer, can you take the daring step of doing nothing and staying here? There are big reasons why we can't live here.
I'm okay with nuclear power, but wind power? - Frankly, it sounds dangerous.
- Excuse me, white trash.
Is this the kind of country you want to live in? No, sir.
I meant we separate our trash by colors.
This country is still lovely Because blue is the lake wind I can't believe you're talking about leaving Springfield.
That's where all my friends are.
Look, everyone, we came here to rip this country off, and that's what we're gonna do and then go home.
Fine.
Let's find a place that has good smorrebrod, or maybe some morbradbof or flaeskesteg.
Women do love this country.
Homer, do you think I'm handsome? Well, yes.
I was gonna mention it.
- I am a Danish four.
- I'm an American nine.
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING] How could my family want to stay here? In America, we have great TV channels, like BBC America, and a factory for cheesecakes a factory! Your enthusiasm makes me want to follow you there.
Foreigners are no longer welcome.
All right, Dad, no more fooling around.
Time to get you in the hospital, so we can go home.
Hello.
How was your day? Eh.
This country sure is safe.
Well, last week, an older tourist had a bad fall at Kronborg Castle.
Of course, Kronborg Castle.
Why didn't I think of it? Probably because I never heard of it.
TOUR GUIDE: Dating back to the 15th century, Kronborg was immortalized as Elsinore in Shakespeare's Hamlet.
Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, the castle's okay, but the keep is, like, meh.
And I'll tell you something else great about here.
You've been walking so much, you've lost weight.
[GASPS] I'm down to my pre-pregnancy weight! Homer, in this most beautiful spot on Earth, I have to admit to you, I really don't want to go home.
- I don't either.
- Let's stay.
Think about how happy we'd be here.
It's healthy, it's clean, it's incredibly civilized, and everything is done in moderation.
You're not describing a country.
You're describing everything that's the opposite of me.
Everyone here speaks perfect English.
Probably gonna be around in five years.
It's just a nice place and we like it.
All I ask is that you think about it.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe we should move here.
Tubby or not tubby, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to gobble the wings and nachos of outrageous portions, or just eat fish and end them.
Ay, there's the rub brisket rub, Memphis rub.
Oh, the rubs I'll miss when I have shuffled off from Buffalo.
Mozzarella No.
I'm an American, and we've got to get back to America, the greatest country on Earth, 1917 to 2016.
This is the famous Holger Danish, our sleeping king.
All right, Dad, here we go.
There's nothing more American than a slip and fall.
- [GRUNTS] - Whoa! Hold on, son.
Before you push me down these stairs, I have a confession.
The procedure I need isn't a surgery.
I just need to remove an old tattoo.
You made us come here because of a stupid tattoo? It's not just any tattoo.
[GASPS] Mom? No! Mona Malloy, who used to iron my shirts.
Of course it's your mother.
I can't go to my grave with this hanging over my heart.
Why is it guys like us are always disappointing the women we love? I would ask Mona, but she's spending eternity hating me, from her pit in hell.
I miss her, too.
Her greatest skill was making people miss her.
[SOBBING] - Hello.
- She's talking to you.
Mm, I'll talk to someone my age.
[CHUCKLES] Excuse me.
I felt compelled to meet you.
I've never met a man with empathy so deep he weeps in public.
Oh, yeah, I cry, I blubber.
Sometimes stuff comes out of my nose.
Well [SIGHS] Danish men never reveal such emotion.
They're like cold, flawless gods.
Look, lady, I'm a married man.
- I'm a married man.
- Shh.
[MUFFLED]: I'm a married man.
Here, marriage is not such a sacred institution.
Danes are very free sexually.
Perhaps it's because we are more sensitive to each other's needs, or just because we're all so freaking hot.
Now let us dance our traditional dance of passion.
Okay.
- [LIVELY DANISH MUSIC PLAYING] - [EXCITED SHOUTING] Do you know the Danes eat more ice cream than any other people? Yet their rate of heart disease is Oh, it's their number one cause of death.
Well, look where we got it.
Well, that never stopped your father.
I'll just text a picture of you right now, eating the ice Oh, my God.
[GASPS] Marge.
Where are you going? Where will I ever find another man like you? Hi, we're the Kiwanis Club of Cheeseburg, Ohio.
[SIGHS]: Oh hio.
I must confess to you now, every couple that has Airbnb'd my apartment has broken up.
Then how did it get so many good reviews? They like the big apartment cat.
Oh, I do like it.
Ooh, let me scratch your chin! [PURRING] He's so chubby, I just can't take it! Marge, honey, I'm so sorry.
We shared a dance and a fish, but that's it.
- I understand.
It's fine.
- So you're coming home? No, I'm not.
I want to stay.
I don't know for how long, but I feel so alive and free.
I've stopped wearing a bra.
[GASPS] That means they're just one fabric away from the cool Scandinavian air.
Sorry, Homie.
We're not leaving.
Well, the kids can't just replace me.
He's so cozy.
He can sleep with Mom.
Can I get you a beer? [PURRING] [HOMER GROANS] - Dad, wait.
- [GASPS] Mom says you can take these home with you.
It's a bag of bras.
And I just learned how to unhook these.
Oh, my God.
What am I doing? I should be having the time of my life in this airport security line, but it's nothing without Marge.
Son, I got to tell you something.
- You're making a huge mistake.
- I know.
I let stubbornness ruin my marriage, and all I have to show for it is an old tattoo.
- Go back to your woman.
- You mean the one in the bar? First the one in the bar, then Marge.
No! Just Marge.
- Marge! - [GASPS] You missed the flight.
Marge, baby, wherever you are is home.
I'm staying in Copenhagen.
I'm glad you came back, but I was kind of rethinking living here.
Why? The toilet's in the shower.
The washing machine won't even hold one pair of your underpants.
And you see how dark it is? It's 11:00 in the morning.
[YAWNS] Well, that was a nice day.
I think I'm ready to go home.
You got it, baby.
We'll ditch this paradise and never come back.
What about the kids? I heard the schools are really great here.
I'm out.
I want to stay, but no one ever listens to me.
So we're all united.
- Yay! - Whoo! But I can't help thinking I'm forgetting something.
Sir, those birds were already fed by the state.
You are overfeeding them, which will kill them.
[GRAMPA GRUNTS] When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
ALL: Aw.
So how much do we owe you? Nothing.
In Denmark, we have socialized tattooing.
And with that, our country is out of money.
Good-bye.
[PANTING]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 29  >  Flanders' Ladder
The Simpsons s29e21 Episode Script
Flanders' Ladder
1 [GRUNTS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [BELL CLANGING] - No electricity.
- D'oh! [THUNDER RUMBLING] Hardest test in the world? Who'd want to do that? [LAUGHS EXCITEDLY] [SIGHS] Oh, hey, Bart.
What you doing? They say this one single test can tell if you're a genius or not.
Huh.
Looks pretty simple to me.
It says only one out of every 400 people has the "spatial reasoning" to solve this maze.
Elon Musk and Angela Merkel both got perfect scores.
[PRONOUNCING CORRECTLY]: Angela.
Angela.
Oh, if you're so smart, let's see you solve the maze.
Let me at it! [RELAXING CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] Okay, got through the first one.
Next one's a little harder.
Just gonna focus.
- [ZOMBIE ROARS] - [LISA SCREAMS] [LISA GRUMBLING] [LAUGHS] You passed the test, genius.
Epic sister fail! You better not post that! And post.
[LAUGHS] [GROANS] You scared me and denied me a genius test! Ooh! Well, when you got an opportunity to prank, you gotta take it.
Gotta take it.
- [PHONE CHIMING] - And the likes are pouring in.
Whoa! Sideshow Mel retweeted it to all his boneheads.
[POUNDING ON DOOR] KRUSTY: Are you almost done? You have your office.
This is mine! [PHONE CHIMING] [LAUGHS] I don't know how, I don't know when, but I super know why I'll get revenge on you, Bart Simpson.
Will you be wearing my underpants when that happens? - Ew! [SCREAMING] - And post.
Post.
Post.
Post.
Unpost! Unpost! -[GROANS] [ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE" OVER TV] [MARGE HUMMING] HOMER/MARGE/BART/LISA: The Internet is down! I don't know the score.
I don't even remember who's playing.
[STAMMERS] Okay, no Internet.
We can do what we did in the olden days, when I was a child.
[CHUCKLES] You better not be suggesting a board game.
I'm not playing anything with you ever again.
Okay, fine.
No board games.
HOMER: Dumb.
Useless.
Piece missing.
So flammable.
Okay, look, the TV still works, and I know we've seen all our DVDs a hundred times, so this could be the perfect time to break out Daddy's VHS collection.
Classic moments from a time when people used to tape the shows they loved, then never watch the tape again.
"Family Matters"? It certainly does.
"The Tracey Ullman Show"? [IMITATES WALTER MATTHAU]: Well, I've had my fill.
"Saved by the Bell"? The hit show that launched no one's career.
Now for the simple task of hooking up the VCR.
Okay, I need to connect magenta to magenta, set the tracking.
Marge, did I record these in long play or extended play? - What's the difference? - Long is shorter.
Gross! The remote has a cord on it.
My first remote.
Coincidentally, the same time I got fat.
[VCR WHIRRING] [GASPS] What is that noise? It's rewinding.
Listen to it speed up as it gets closer.
[WHIRRING SPEEDS UP, CLICKS, STOPS] ALL: Ooh! Well, that was fun.
Good night.
No, now we play it.
[ALPENHORN BLOWS] Ri-cola! I used to love that commercial.
Remember when I went as the horn for Halloween? Ri-cola! [IMITATES ALPENHORN] [HOMER AND MARGE LAUGH] [THUNDER RUMBLING] Let's get physical, physical I want to get physical [BART AND LISA GRUNTING] No worries.
We just have to find a VCR repair store.
I'll look online, which I can't because there's no Internet! Damn it! Lisa, solve this.
I've solved enough puzzles today.
[BLOWS RASPBERRIES] - [HUMMING] - [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] Well, Flanders' network is working.
Maybe we could ask him for the password.
You can't just ask someone for their password.
That's rude.
Come on, boy, let's go borrow his router.
How come all our father-son activities involve getting a TV back on? What about the time I watched you get out of that thing? - You mean when I was born? - That was fun.
[THUNDER RUMBLING] If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.
That's right, boys.
Think about your possible deaths as you go to sleep.
Now let's look at my plans.
[MUFFLED TALKING] [CREAKING] Who's this ladder made for, babies? D'oh! - You'll have to climb it, boy.
- I'm a little scared.
Scared? What do we give you those meds for? So you can do less parenting? [CHUCKLES] Babysitter in a bottle.
Now, climb the ladder.
[HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS] So beautiful.
Almost there.
You just need to go up the last rung.
That's not a rung, it's the top.
- The top is a rung.
- No, it's not! - Let me check on Google.
- We don't have Internet! Maybe if I keep refreshing, it'll come back.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Oh, this is pointless.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Ooh! No.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
[WHIMPERING] MARGE [IN DISTANCE]: You guys need jackets! No, we're fine! D'oh! MARGE: The Internet's back on! [BELL RINGING, CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING] Hmm.
Doctor, is he gonna be all right? Millions of volts coursed through his body.
But it was the amps that really messed with him.
But he should be fine.
According to his chart, Bart's had more comas than he's had hot breakfasts.
Well, I can't cook every morning.
Until he recovers, just talk to him.
Lightning victims are highly suggestible.
Your kind words could turn his coma into a trip to Hawaii, or a golf excursion to St.
Andrews, which is where I'm heading now.
[LAUGHS] [MARGE GRUMBLES] [LISA WHIMPERS] Well, when you got an opportunity to prank, you gotta take it.
Gotta take it.
But you're in a coma.
[CLUCKING LIKE A CHICKEN] Fine, I'll get revenge.
[QUIETLY]: You're gonna see dragons with pools of blood.
Oh, right, you like that.
Okay, scratch the dragons.
You're gonna see the one thing everyone's afraid of: death.
And dead people.
That's right, buddy.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] SINGERS [ITCHY & SCRATCHY THEME]: Right and left And right and right and left Left, left, left, right, right, right It's Bart's unconscious brain! Okay, Bart, your nightmare begins.
[IMITATES THUNDER] [THUNDER RUMBLING] [GASPS]: Whoa! What happened? How long was I out? [DOOR CREAKS] [GASPS] Maude Flanders! I thought you were dead! I am.
[EERIE HOWLING] [SCREAMS] Sweetie, we're gonna get something to eat.
- You want to come? - I'd rather stay with Bart.
In fact, I'd like to stay with him all night.
- Such a sweet girl.
- So sweet.
[BART GROANS] Aw, someone's not happy.
You know, that sign should be unnecessary.
- I'd better cheer him up.
- [PHONE CHIMES] [SHOUTS] I'm going to add to your dream the worst thing I can imagine! Let me see.
Let me see.
Wazzup?! Milhouse.
What's going on, Bart? Are you into God now? I always was.
Look at those abs.
The secret is less loaves, more fishes.
I don't believe in some dopey religion.
This is to keep out ghosts.
Oh, this looks just like my first apartment with Ned.
I'm never leaving! Milhouse, have you ever been haunted? Once, my hamster died and then came back.
Actually, my parents bought a new one and thought I wouldn't know.
Then my dad's check bounced, and they repo'd the hamster.
You've got to talk to me, Bart.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone! The power of Homer's socks compels you! [MAUDE SCREAMS] Maybe you could use this, my therapist.
If you see him, can you give him this? Don't tell him I forgot to bring it back.
He'll say I kept it to get attention.
I don't need attention, Dr.
Sam! I knew it was Milhouse.
I knew it! What's on your mind, son? I'm scared to say.
You'll toss me in the loony bin.
[CHUCKLES] Bart, these days, there are no more loony bins.
All those people are on the streets.
- So how can I help you? - I've been talking to a ghost.
I know, you think I'm the nuttiest kid you've seen.
Oh, please, I can't tell you what a relief it is to not be talking to Milhouse.
Are you allowed to say stuff like that? No, but screw it.
[IMITATING MILHOUSE]: "My mom found my dad's other cell phone, boo-hoo.
" [BOTH LAUGH] So you don't think I'm crazy? No.
Take a look behind the couch.
[GASPS] You're dead, too? Yeah, I killed myself five minutes before you got here.
Why would you kill yourself? Oh, I want my patients to think it's all their fault.
[LAUGHS] Oh, if you'd been on time, you might've saved my life, but, you know, whatever.
[GROANS] Why is this happening to me? I don't know, but you have a gift! You can see the dead, Bart.
Why am I waiting for a bus? I can appear and disappear whenever I want.
And it's late.
Eh, that's far enough.
And, Bart, you can help us ghosts move on to what comes next.
By telling your family you love them? Uh, which family? I've led a complicated life.
No, to move on, I need you to get revenge on Dr.
Morton, with whom I share the office.
What have you got against him? He won't shut up about his Tesla.
Yes, yes, just as smart as I always thought I - [ZOMBIE ROARS] - [SCREAMS] Thank you, Bart.
Now I can move on.
Uh-oh.
Wow, helping him felt really good.
- Help us, Bart.
- Help us.
Settle our beefs.
Beefs! Please help me get vengeance against all jet engines And then I will go to hell.
Didn't anybody finish their business before dying? All I want to do is return this hatchet.
[SIGHS] Fine.
Okay, I want you to whack Johnny Tightlips, ice Fat Tony and put a hit on Joey Doublecross.
Who would've figured he'd rat me out? Ow! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Next.
You can't keep ignoring me! [BART GROANING] Um, Doctor, shouldn't he have woken up by now? Yes, he should.
Unless someone's been telling him bad things.
- What do you mean? - Anything negative someone says could do permanent damage to his brain function.
It could even kill him.
But you said he'd be fine! I said he'd be fine if you told him he was at a dolphin encounter on Maui.
But those dolphins aren't fine! They try to kill themselves! I said he'd be fine, not the dolphins.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Bart! Bart.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'll watch everything I say.
[GROANS] I had to walk nine blocks to get this.
- I am dead.
- [BART SHOUTS] - Dad, no! - Nine blocks.
I am dead.
Dead, dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
[LISA GASPS] Ugh, finally, you get to me.
Yeah, yeah, what's your unfinished business? Revenge, against the man who caused my death.
[SINGSONGY]: Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt! Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin! [SCREAMS] - [BODY THUDS] - [GASPS] You mean the guy who invented the T-shirt guns? - No.
- The guys who built the stadium - with a really low back wall? - No.
You, for standing up? No, your father, your stupid, stupid father! You know, some people grow when they die.
Not you.
See you, guys.
That was fun, getting every answer in Jeopardy! wrong.
Hmm, all that saying good-bye really made me thirsty.
Mmm.
Hmm? NELSON: Maude Flanders says hello.
Hello.
[GRUNTING] Let's move! Oh, thank you, Bart.
I'm finally at peace.
You know, Ned remarried.
He what?! [SIGHS] Well, that's it.
All the ghosts have been helped.
Except one.
Dad, you weren't supposed to die.
It was, it was just supposed to scare you.
Oh, don't worry.
Patricide is just a part of life.
Ooh, your vocabulary really goes up when you die.
- Dad, I'm so sorry I killed you.
- It's cool, I feel no pain.
[SHOUTS] Ooh, I was wrong.
It feels worse than in life.
Get away, you stupid cat! - [GRUNTS] D'oh! - [CAT YOWLS] Oh, I can't believe you're dead.
But at least I can still see you, while I help you with your unfinished business.
Well, I wanted to lose some weight, but I'm light as a feather now.
All that's left is for me to go into the light.
[HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING] You know how much you hate walking.
Stay with me.
Stay with me, Bart.
Stay with me.
Oh, Homie.
It's not your fault.
You were doomed when they started putting cheese into pizza crust.
What's next, plugging Swiss cheese with cookie dough? Peanut butter and hot dogs? Why isn't anyone writing these things down? [CRYING] I can't watch this.
I'm gonna go check in on Moe's.
I don't know what's wrong.
I served them lager.
Uh-oh.
I should go, son.
I leave this world without a care, knowing I raised two great kids, plus the one who murdered me.
[MONITOR BEEPS RAPIDLY, FLATLINES] No, Bart, you have to stay with me! [HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING] No, Dad, you have to stay with me! No, my time has come.
Man was not meant to live beyond the age of 39.
You have to stay.
If you leave, Mom will marry someone else.
I want her to be happy.
And someone else will raise your kids! [LAUGHS] Sucker.
And someone else will ride your mower.
That bastard! Still, it's time for me to move on.
Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful! [BART GASPING] [GLASS SHATTERS] [SCREAMING] [LAUGHS]: Dad! Why you little life-saving, heaven can waiting! Bart, I'm so sorry if I was ever mean to you, because even though you started it, you Sorry, sorry, I'm past that.
[CRYING] I love you, and I want you back, Bart Simpson.
[CRYING] BART [WEAKLY]: Lisa? Ah! He's awake! - Thank God.
- Lisa? Have you been by my side this whole time? I have.
Were you putting those bad dreams in my head? Yes.
- Can you teach me how to do it? - I guess.
And can you help me put Dad in a coma? No.
[CHEWING, MOANING] Oh, man, this is great.
But how do I know this isn't a dream, too? Because you're not wearing the sweater.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Wait a minute.
How did he know about the sweater? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] Bart, did you see anything else when you were under? Just how we're all gonna die.
- Want me to tell you? - Not really.
Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Ouch I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere I knew it was a sandwich.
Yeah [COUGHING] [GROANS] Lost myself again And I feel unsafe Be my friend Hold me Wrap me up Unfold me [LAUGHS] I am small I'm needy Oh, my God! Now I realize, this has all been a waste of time.
And breathe me Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Now I'm the evil king.
Unfold me I am small I'm needy Warm me up And breathe me.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus
The Simpsons s28e01 Episode Script
Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus
1 - (LAUGHING) - (EXCLAIMING) - (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - (BARNEY BELCHES) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (YELLS) (PLAYING MELODIC HARP) D'oh! (TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS) (WIND WHISTLING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (MILHOUSE GRUNTING) (BIRD SQUAWKING) (SELMA AND PATTY GRUNT) Ow.
(SQUAWKING) (HOMER YELLING, GRUNTING) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (WIND GUSTS, EXPLOSION) Hola.
Simpsons Time - Run, don't walk - (SNIFFING) You might even hear Maggie talk Bart the Boy and a dog named Homer And jokes written on signs - It's Simpsons Time.
- Yay! (HOMER GRUNTS, YELLS) What a beautiful day for a family stroll.
Tell that to my aching back! (GROANS) It's not a family stroll Homer forgot where he parked his car last night, and now we have to find it.
What a beautiful day to be in denial.
Yeah, Bart.
Who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing people are staring up at the sky in terror? (SIMPSONS SHRIEK) Do you see it, Lisa? There's nothing there.
And that's where Lard Lad used to be! Oh, looks like we better file a report with the Bureau of Missing Statues.
Yeah.
Be like that time that Rodin statue got stolen.
What was the name of that statue again? Eh Ah, let me think.
Um Thinkin'.
Yeah, still thinkin'.
Still thinkin'.
Uh, either we can fan out and search, or bunch up and riot.
Oh, balderdash and poppycock.
I say we do not riot.
ALL: Riot! ALL: Don't! Riot! Don't! Riot! (ALL YELLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (GRUNTS) And thanks to the equal number of nonrioters, the total cost of the damage is zero dollars.
Homer, were you in that riot? Marge, please.
I'm a leader in this community.
BROCKMAN: In response to the outcry, - (ALARM RINGING) - Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue.
" Ooh, rebranding.
That just means admitting failure, Dad.
Ooh, admitting failure.
People of Springfield, please welcome Mr.
I know I'm gonna mangle this Lee Fong.
Uh, actually, it's pronounced Robert Chan.
(MOANS) And now, please welcome the model for the original Lard Lad, Mr.
Laird Lad.
A lot of crazy names today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lard Lad's bold, focus-grouped, new look! (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) (STATUE SQUEAKING) That doesn't say donuts! That says management overthink! The Thinker! That statue's called The Thinker.
(LAUGHS) What? What are we on now? What? People, let's give the new statue a chance.
When the Eiffel Tower was first built, many said it was a steel monstrosity.
It still is.
Fine, but maybe this will grow on you.
Aw, this thing sucks.
I don't think so.
(OVERLAPPING DISAPPROVAL) Well, at-at-at a certain angle It's beautiful.
- We love it.
- That's beautiful.
(ALL CHEER) (WIND WHISTLING) You fools! You've erected a massive concave reflective surface.
It will focus the sun's beam in a deadly ray.
(PEOPLE SCREAM) (GROWLS) - Yeah! - Yeah! (ALL GROAN) (ALL GASP) - Oh.
- Uh.
Hey! (GROANS) (GUN HAMMER CLICKS) QUIMBY: First off, I'd like to thank the good people at Tianjin Smelting and Mining and Donuts and Tarps for neutralizing our wonderful, deadly, new Lard Lad.
Yeah, that's great.
They'll grow back.
The time for mourning and blaming our mayors hasassed.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
ALL: We will rebuild.
We will rebuild! We will rebuild! (STRAINED): We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
I guess there's only one man we can turn to.
Supergirl?! (OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS) So you'd like me to save the town.
Well, you've got gumption, I'll give you that.
(LAUGHING): And such an adorable baby, it really restores my my faith in in the, uh Smithers, where is the damn trapdoor button? Mr.
Burns, you already trap-doored us from your upstairs office.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
And how was your fall? Painful? Unexpected? - Oh, yeah.
- Worst I've ever had.
- Oh! Really - Really - Pulled something.
- Totally painful.
Did not see it coming.
(CHUCKLES) Excellent.
So remind me what I was saying no to.
Funding repairs to the town.
But if you could do even one little project.
Reducking the duck pond or fixing up the Springfield Bowl.
The Springfield Bowl.
Very well.
I will rebuild this town on one condition.
Forget it.
Our desperate plea is nonnegotiable.
I want to put on a variety show at the Bowl.
A celebration of everything wonderful about um, what's the name of this town again? Springfield, sir.
Yes, I will destroy Springfield.
Celebrate, sir.
Springfield has risen from the ashes like a phoenix.
That's phoenix, the mythical bird, not Phoenix, the cultureless, Mars-scape of the Southwest.
(CHUCKLES) Our unlikely angel, the devil himself, C.
Montgomery Burns.
Thank you, Kent.
(GROANS) And don't forget the open auditions for my Springfield Follies.
This year women may audition, too, with permission of husband, father and pastor in writing.
BURNS: Next.
(CAT YOWLS) - (GENTLE MELODY PLAYS ON PIANO) - (CLEARS THROAT) (COUGHS) (BEAUTIFUL SOPRANO VOICE): Un bel di, vedremo Levarsi un fil di fumo Puccini's a little well-trod, don't you think? (YELLS INCOHERENTLY) This isn't right.
This isn't how it was at all.
I remember that night so vividly.
Monty, time to go on stage.
Yes, Mama.
Your little butterscotch drop won't let you down.
Aw, who's candy? You's candy.
Oh, I'm gonna lick you, my sweet little lolly.
Who likes Mommy's licks? Monty likes Mommy's licks.
Lickity, lickity, lick.
(LAUGHING): Oh, oh, oh.
- (GIGGLING) - Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh.
Oh, ho, ho.
But the butterscotch soon turned to bitter squelch.
I want everything just as it was back then.
The stage filled with children like those from 1913.
High-spirited, snaggletoothed, and willing to work 18 hours a day.
SKINNER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention.
An old man is prowling the school, looking for young children.
Please, perform for him.
Watch me make this nerd disappear.
(GRUNTS) Ta-da! Also, haw-haw! Excellent villain.
And my cast is complete.
I'll just save the list and (GROANS) Samson himself could not pry open these jaws.
Can I help you, sir? Oh, women aren't meant for clasp opening.
Young lady, if there's one thing I know about show business, it's that there are a lot of clipboards.
How would you like to be my assistant director? Hmm.
And I'll be perfectly positioned to find out exactly what Mr.
Burns is really up to.
I'm in.
And if you need another act, I also play this.
There's no room in my show for Adolphe Sax's vile-sounding o-phone.
Do you ever say anything in a simple way? Shut up.
Well, that was clear.
(BIRD CAWS) Hey, Homer, are you sure we haven't let the plant slip with Mr.
Burns gone? Smitty, as a wise, old man once said, "Out with the old and in with the brew.
" (SLURPING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (ALARM BUZZING) (BUZZING ENDS) (HUMS) (VOCALIZING) That's enough.
But I haven't started my act.
Muntz, what have you got? A rabbit in a bag.
Ooh, a promising magic trick.
No, it's my lunch.
Bah! You're all incompetent.
I won't go through this a second time.
Second time? Is there something you're not telling us? A vast amount.
And what part of "What I've never told you" don't you understand? (LAUGHTER) Mother, what is that sound they're making? Well, it's called laughter.
You're a laughingstock, Charles.
(WHIMPERING): Oh, oh, it's awful.
This show isn't good enough.
No show could be good enough.
(MUFFLED): It's not? (BIRD CHIRPING) (LIQUID POURING) (CHEERFUL SCATTING) What are you doing? Da-da-do-doo! Getting ready for Monday.
I'm gonna fill a Super Soaker full of lemonade, Carl's gonna fill one with iced tea, and we're gonna Arnold Palmer Lenny when he walks in.
(LAUGHING) Arnold Palmer Lenny.
You're going to Arnold Palmer Lenny.
Yeah, you see, Arnold Palmer was a golfer and he made up this drink where it's not a full glass of lemonade or a full glass of iced tea.
Instead Homie, I'm worried about all this silliness at work.
You're the safety inspector.
I'm a safety inspector.
Not the.
I've never seen another.
What wait, one safety inspector? For the whole nuclear plant? That's insane.
(GIGGLES) Put everything in the car and get out of town.
I'll find you, if there are still roads! Sweetie, sweetie, all you've got to do is be responsible.
Your friends consider you the leader because you're a little taller.
Hmm.
Wow.
Wow! With above-average height comes above-average responsibility.
Marge, thank you for setting me straight.
You're welcome.
Okay, I want to open this show with someone being shot into a cannon.
(LAUGHS) You're joking, right? Well, because, see, that's impossible.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (SPUTTERS) Gah! Oh.
Everyone, little miss nitpick hates the show, so I'm shutting it down.
("SABRE DANCE" BY ARAM KHACHATURIAN PLAYS) This was an act.
Now it's just bullying.
(LIGHTS SHATTER ON THE GROUND) (BELLOWS) Thanks a lot, Lisa.
We were getting out of school for this.
(SHOES TAPPING) (DOORBELL RINGS) Well if isn't the little girl that made a billionaire cry.
May I please speak with Mr.
Burns? No, he's very busy.
Won't you please come back and do the show? Shan't.
(BIKE BELL RINGING) Oh, that bell has quite the recoil.
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING) Oh, what is bothering him? And what were those weird lines around his eyes? I know.
It's such a tragedy on that beautiful face.
Come here.
Well, there's only one explanation for those lines, Lisa.
He's been watching something on the Mutoscope.
So, if I play this, I'll know the answer.
Mm-hmm.
It, uh, costs a nickel.
(COIN DROPS INTO SLOT) (FILM WINDING AND SPUTTERING) (LISA GASPS) (FILM CONTINUES SPUTTERING) So this is what made Mr.
Burns the monster he is.
(GIGGLES) BURNS: Within days half of America was cranking to my bottom.
I think you're trying to make up for what happened to you then by putting on a perfect Bowl show now.
(SCOFFS) Spare me you amateur psychology.
"Ooh, I saw my father decapitated by a grain harvester "and now I can't enjoy wheat.
Boohoo.
" Mr.
Burns, I want you to listen to that crowd.
(FILM WINDING AND SPUTTERING) Do you really want to let those happy, joyous people win? (FILM CONTINUES WINDING AND SPUTTERING) (INFLATE, THEN POP) Smithers, locate my dickey.
We've got a show to do.
I was gonna clean my room - (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) - Until I got high Ooh, ooh - I was gonna get up and find the broom - (LENNY GRUNTING) - (PHONE RINGS, THEN RECORD SCRATCH) - But then Springfield Nuclear.
Yes, yes, sir, I'll alert the workers that the pizzas are here! (CHEERING, PARTY MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, yeah, here he comes.
The life of this party! Who wants to get back to work? - (RECORD SCRATCH, MUSIC STOPS) - MAN: What? (BALLOONS SQUEAK) We are a public trust.
We bring power to people's homes.
Lightbulbs, toasters, and that's all I can think of.
Now let's buckle down! Okay, Homer, just let us get our microwave popcorn out of the core.
You're only supposed to do that when we're watching a movie in the core.
(RAPID POPPING, THEN EXPLOSION) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (RAGTIME PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) (POP, THEN SQUIRT, WINDSHIELD WIPERS THUMPING) (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Thank you, thank you.
Well, that's the easiest time anyone's had parking at the Springfield Bowl.
(LAUGHTER) - Don't you laugh at me! - (LAUGHTER DIES DOWN) Now, enjoy the show.
God always liked you best.
No, God loves everyone equally.
That's wonderful news.
(CHUCKLES) Enough of your tomfoolery, Todd.
Let's sing.
BOTH: Michael, row your boat ashore Hallelujah Michael, row your boat ashore Hallelu Say, Sockie, who was that lady I saw you with last night? (HIGH-PITCHED): That was no lady.
That was your mother.
(NORMAL VOICE): Oh, she'll date anyone.
Why won't she give me a stable home? (HIGH-PITCHED): Haw-haw! (BELLS RINGING MELODICALLY) (BELLS STOP, XYLOPHONE PLAYS) (DRUMROLL, HATCH CREAKS) (CYMBAL CRASH, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Um, this is just a simple twins trick.
They pulled the other twin out of the tank behind the curtain.
(APPLAUSE) (FIREWORKS EXPLODING, AUDIENCE CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Wait, that wasn't part of the show.
(SCREAMING) No.
No, it's not fair! I was good! Arnold.
- Palmer! - (GRUNTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) Fantastic.
What a finale, eh, Mr.
Burns? Childhood trauma cured, huh, huh? That wasn't the finale.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Maestro, "Golden Slippers," if you please.
Ooh, boy.
(SHUDDERS) We can't let him make a fool of himself again.
No, no, Mr.
Burns needs to do this.
Oh, dem golden slippers Oh, dem gold (STAMMERS) Ow, the burn.
Ooh! Mr.
Burns can't take the impact of that many photons.
Those light-shining fools! (MUTTERING) Ow! Ah! (LAUGHTER) Oh, for a murder of crows to pluck out mine eyes! You.
This show was your fault.
Well, you'd better know this, mister.
This town has my back.
And hey.
Where did they go? How did 15,000 people leave so fast? Um hey! Want to see me do a cartwheel? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, THEN GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Always had trouble with those.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
At my age, I can't stay anything at anybody.
Oh, and you know what? The laughter in my head is gone.
Go ahead, blow your German kazoo.
Yes, sir! (PLAYING "GOLDEN SLIPPERS") Smithers, tap my foot for me.
With impatience.
Now, lift my arm so I can check my watch.
Oh, you really should start doing some of these things yourself.
- (SLURPS) - Dad, why do Simpsons always fail? Oh, sweetie pie, it's a terrible curse that goes back centuries.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) No, no! Don't answer that.
MAN: We just need a place to stay for the night.
Oh, shouldn't we help them? Hey, in Zero BC, you can't trust anybody.
Curse them, Mary! You curse them, my water just broke! Please? (GOOFY SPRING SOUND) (LASER SOUND, THEN EXPLOSION) You're telling me that really happened? They looked just like us, didn't they? (RAGTIME BAND PLAYS) Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  Friends and Family
The Simpsons s28e02 Episode Script
Friends and Family
1 (PATTY AND SELMA CACKLING) (EXCLAIMING) - (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - (BARNEY BELCHES) (TIRES SCREECH) D'oh! (TIRES SCREECH) Ugh! I'm too fat! Still too fat! Ugh! (GROANS) (TIRES SCREECH) Come on, sir.
You'll be late for your appointment.
Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health.
The Kaiser would be furious! (COIN CLANKS) Hip joints! Who wants a hip joint? Eyeballs! Can't see without your eyeballs! Euthanasia! Sweet, sweet euthanasia! Ooh.
Can I buy it as a gift? No! Mm.
Hmm.
(GROANS) Come on in, Monty.
I believe last week we were discussing your anger issues.
Anger issues? Anger issues?! Anger issues? Anger issues?! Yeah, all right, I'm afraid our 50 minutes are almost up.
Sorry.
You were saying? (SIGHS) Monty, I give up.
- After only 70 years of therapy? - You're never gonna change.
You-you will never have this.
A cheap piece of plastic with photos of ugly people? That is my family people who love me.
Yes, you're right.
I should consider encasing people in plastic.
Then I could always see the look of fear in their faces.
- (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, we're finished here.
Get out.
May I remind you I'm paying you five dollars an hour? Oi! Why did I lock in at that rate? (DOOR BUZZES) (GROANS) (THUD) What? (GASPS) Hmm.
No pulse.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Dead.
So sad.
He was a true friend.
- - Mm-hmm.
Excellent.
(TRUMPET PLAYING TAPS) I can't believe Dr.
Nussbaum's dead.
Um, we've had a lot of therapists.
Which one was he again? He was the one who helped us communicate.
- You never listen to a word I say! - I have to listen all day at work.
- You're not listening now.
- I'm listened out! What? "Listened out.
" - Not listening, not listening - What does that even mean? Let's hear what the children have to say.
- I'm gonna wet the bed to get their attention.
- HOMER: Not listening You're the one sleeping in it.
I didn't say I'd wet my bed.
Please, Marge! Do we have to burden - Dr.
Nussbaum with our problems? - (ALL ARGUING) - Maggie talk! - The man has problems of his own! - Maggie talk! - (ARGUING CONTINUES) No one listen? Maggie never talk again.
- That's not what happened.
- That's exactly what happened.
I believe I remember what happened, Marge.
How could you remember? You were looking at your phone half the time.
When you have four bar Wi-Fi, you use it! Oh, look.
It's the ugly people from the cube.
- (GASPS) - RABBI: Uh, if we can begin.
Oh, of course.
Oh, this man meant a great deal to me.
And helping out with the cost of this service was the least I could do.
- (CROWD MURMURS) - Very sweet.
Smithers? (CROWD BOOING LOUDLY) For shame! (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECH) (SIGHS) Stoned at a funeral.
Ooh, wow! Where's the funeral? (CHUCKLES): Oh! Just what I wanted.
Just get me home quickly.
("POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING) And this year's Nobel Prize for Physics goes to Professor John Frink.
(CROWD CHEERING) (HORN HONKS) FRINK: Ah, thank you, Queen Sonya, and all the people at HBO the, uh, Higgs Boson Observatory.
You'll see there.
(TIRES SCREECH, CAR CRASHES) Oi! Oiven! I-I didn't mean to hit him, sir.
Well, how could a man in his right mind miss a car heading right towards him? (TRUCK HORN BLARES) MAN: Idiot! I think it's this headpiece he's wearing, sir.
If I may ask, what makes this device so enchanting that you ignore the real world? Is there a milkmaid skipping rope? Oi! Gloivick! The Oculus Frink or Froculus provides you with a complete virtual reality experience.
(GROANS) Letting you live in a world of your dreams.
Goi! (MUTTERS) To adjust the focus, turn the dial on the side.
Oi.
Now for the after-party! (LIVELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) I must have it! Oh, uh, can you drop me off first? Hmm, not bad.
Next? This is still a new technology, sir.
At the moment, it's really just lots of pornography, a roller coaster, pornography, pornography, Burger King ad, pornography, and and this one.
(DRAGON SQUAWKS) (ROARING) (SQUAWKS) Dragon porn.
(BOTH MOANING) Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh.
- Oh, flame on, baby.
Flame on! Hot! Hot! Don't tell my wife, okay? SMITHERS: Oh, sorry, sir.
This one is also pornography.
Oh, so boring.
(FABRIC RIPS) Trim those nails, Smithers.
Uh, sir, if I might suggest, the last thing your therapist said was, "You need a family.
" (CHUCKLES): I don't need anyone.
We could program a virtual family for you, sir.
A virtual family.
Yes.
Meanwhile, let me see the one again where I shoot the beloved lion in Africa.
That was reality, sir.
Mm.
I've lived quite the life.
Quite the life.
Ooh! (CROW CAWS) Uh, we only need three children, thanks.
Oh, what kind of coal mine you runnin'? You, wife, look at me lovingly, as if I'm your husband.
Eh, can you ask for a look of indifference? I think she can do that.
Luann, pretend it's my birthday.
Next.
You promised me a job, Dad! I was gonna buy a fat Barbie.
It's Curvy Barbie.
And that would mean you have to buy all new clothes.
(CROW CAWS) Uh, this thing says all families in the plant are required to try out.
So far, so good.
Two-and-a-half children, wife with current hairstyle.
You're all hired.
Except you, fatso.
We don't need a father.
I'll be the rooster in this henhouse.
That is so disappointing.
I've always wanted to work for Mr.
Burns.
Okay, family scene.
And action.
(STEAM HISSING) (SUCKING NOISES) This isn't a word I use lightly, but excellent.
Oh, Smithers, one favor: make the children look like they're mine.
No, no, no! It's too beautiful.
Like a Supreme Court full of Scalias.
Switch to something else.
BURNS: That's good.
What's the matter, Homer? Last night, Marge and the kids didn't get home till 11:00 at night.
When I came back from Moe's at 11:05, they were still taking off their coats! I hear old man Burns is just living in a fantasy world now.
En garde! (LAUGHS) Mm, must be nice.
Hey, there he is.
Wonder what he's watching now.
Home movies.
Happy birthday, dear Burnsie Happy birthday to you And maybe more.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, thank you.
Now, your mother's going to take me upstairs to give me her present.
(MARGE MOANING SUGGESTIVELY) BURNS: Oh, Smithers, could you remove the ankle bar? More.
More.
More.
(MOANS) Oh (CHUCKLES): Oh, that was wonderful.
I'm picking up your ten-year options.
Ten years?! Oh, now, now, no discussion.
We're a family now.
Ugh! What is that? A river otter? (DOG HOWLS) (GROANS) We're not coming home, Homie.
What? What do I do without you here? You can do what you did with me there: go to Moe's.
Aw, it's not the same if I'm not trying to avoid some unpleasant chore.
Oh.
You could clean out the attic.
- Going to Moe's! - (LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE) Eh, no one to go home to, huh? Yeah, take it from me, that's rough.
Yeah.
Heading back to an empty house.
No one there to tell you what to do, no kids fighting all the time.
Wait a minute.
I can eat dinner in any room of the house! And not the scary ones like the basement and Bart's bedroom.
And I can drink at home! Whoa, whoa! You're twisting my words there.
That would be cheaper! And I wouldn't have to drive! And you are kind of mean.
No one calls me mean.
Moe, you're proving my point.
Here we are talking, and you pull a shotgun on me.
But there's never any bullets in this.
Watch.
Ha! Good gag, huh? Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free (MUFFLED EXPLOSION) I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Feel when I dance with you We move like the sea You, you're all I want to know I feel free I feel free.
Mmm, does that turn you on? Oh, yes.
That's hot.
(HANDLES CREAK) (LAUGHS) The perfect temperature.
(OWL HOOTING) Ah, Snoopy knew what he was doing, all right.
- WOMAN: How you doing? - Aah! Don't worry, I've seen you naked plenty of times.
I live in the house behind yours.
I don't think my wife would like this.
Hey, I got a boyfriend, and you're not my type.
FLANDERS: Could you both keep it down? I'm trying to count pennies.
(SCOFFS) Stupid Flanders.
FLANDERS: Oh! You made me lose count.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Homer, it looks like you're out of beer, pal.
(GRUNTS) Wow, can a man just be friends with a woman? Here are some pretzels.
Yes, he can! Aw, don't worry.
I'll fix that.
Have one.
I'm celebrating.
My boyfriend proposed.
Wow! You'll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life: the beginning.
- Mmm - (SLURPING) So, uh, where's the lucky guy? (SIGHS) Gone for the weekend.
He's an airline pilot.
Maybe he and I can go out for beers - before a flight.
- Mm.
Where's your wife? Uh, she's staying at this billionaire's house, working as a virtual reality actress.
You know, the usual.
Oh, Homer? Something's going on with Homer.
My spousal sense is tingling.
Mom, you blew the take! Okay, that's it.
I'll direct.
And I'll show you how a pro does it.
You, daughter character, say you love me.
(FLATLY): I love you.
Like you mean it.
(FLATLY): I really love you.
Once more, with feeling.
(FLATLY): I really love you.
Blech.
This girl has no chops whatsoever.
(A LA KATHERINE HEPBURN): The existence of my chops is not for the likes of yo to ascertain, my good sir.
(SHUDDERS) Would you like some eggs with that ham? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Looks like the old make-out king's got a new queen, huh? Guys, we're just friends.
It's purely catatonic.
"Platonic.
" That means she's into me, but I'm keeping it cool.
I like you, but that's not what it means.
Sure, right.
(ITALIAN ACCENT): Here you go, the antipasto, to share.
BOTH: Ooh! Would you fellas like to join us? (NERVOUS STAMMERS) (SOPHISTICATED ACCENT): When did salad get so awful? (SOPHISTICATED ACCENT): Kale ruined everything.
(MOCK SOPHISTICATED LAUGHTER) (NORMAL VOICE): You're just like a guy.
You're funny, you like to eat crap.
If I may get personal, - what's your bowling average? - 212.
Oh, my God, you're my best friend! And that's all.
Just friends.
Eh, we shall see.
There is one test for a-romance that never fails.
Enjoy it.
That is not a-love! This is the best we're friends, no one has any reason to get upset, and no one gets hurt.
To no one getting hurt.
SMITHERS: Smash-cut to Marge! "Look, Monty, our daughter, the president, is delivering her speech.
" Excuse me, do I ever get a joke? Keep rolling.
"Mr.
Vice President, Madam Speaker, "Chinese Overlords, years ago, our forefathers, and foremothers" BURNS: Stick to the script! Oh, you try to give direction to a bunch of land apes who aren't worth the ping-pong balls stuck to their untalented asses! Idiots! Mountebanks! Featherwits! Poltroons! (FURNITURE CRASHES) Saint Francis himself would vomit with rage! Okay, you heard him, people.
That was great, just a little more energy.
Sir, I know you're getting frustrated, so we recorded some future scenarios.
Yes, let's see what life will be like when I'm old.
I'm going to build homes for the homeless with my boyfriend Sean, then it's off to Vassar in the fall.
Irish boyfriend? Helping the homeless? Well, every family has one black sheep.
Let's move on.
- How did this happen? - (PACIFIER POPS TWICE) Don't you take that tone with me.
A Harvard man? I was warned there'd be nausea.
I don't need them.
My life is perfect.
My life is perfect.
49, 50.
My life is perfect! Have you seen my Canadian penny? Oh, darn it, darn it, darn it! Everyone out! You're all fired! Having a family is the most meaningless experience I could imagine.
Try acting.
Mm Come on, kids.
I'm taking my bathrobe.
There's a dye pack stitched in.
(LOUD POP) Joke's on you.
I like this better.
Oh, go ahead, take your robe.
But you'll never work in single-viewer virtual reality family melodrama again.
Did you see the guitar lessons sign on the telephone pole? I took a tab.
No, I'm not gonna take the lessons, I just needed to blow my nose.
Ooh, my family's here.
Gotta go.
Hey, guys! It's good to see you.
Hmm.
Good to see you.
Who were you talking to? My friend Julia.
-Julia? Like a girl? - She's not a girl.
She's three years younger than your mother.
(IRRITATED MURMUR) Now, Marge, it's cool.
All we do is share our deepest thoughts and feelings.
Mm-hmm.
Kids, could you leave the room, please? Faster! Geronimo! (RETREATING FOOTSTEPS) Marge, it's nothing.
She's just my new best friend.
(GROANS ANGRILY) What the Why Why are you mad at those eggs?! They didn't do anything! - Homer Simpson! - (WHIMPERING) After all I've put up with for all these years, if I'm not your best friend, what is this marriage about?! Okay, okay, you're my best friend.
She's just somebody I call when I'm mad at you.
- (SCREAMS) - (GRUMBLING) I mean, I'm never mad at you.
Well, sometimes I'm mad at you.
A little bit! But I shouldn't call her.
- I should just drink it off at Moe's.
- (GROWLING) You'll never hear the name Julia again.
- Hi, I'm Julia.
- Neh! I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you you've got a great husband.
I've got a nice bicycle, too, but I keep a lock on it.
I have no interest in riding your bike.
But I want you to know that your bike loves you as truly as a bike can.
And, Marge, I love you as much as that bike.
- You are the bike.
- (GASPS) Wha?! (DOOR CREAKS) I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Apparently, you didn't do anything wrong.
But I'm not wrong for getting mad at you either.
Marge, Julia taught me lots of stuff that could help us.
For example, I realize that when you see me doing something stupid and you don't say anything about it, you know, and you're just being nice.
- That's true.
- And when something's bothering you, sometimes I should just say, "I understand," instead of trying to fix it.
Because all you really need is someone to know what you're feeling.
That is really, really lovely.
(BOTH MOANING) I have to confess, I did see him naked on the roof.
I did, too, and I was at 10,000 feet.
Now for the final fantasy.
(CRYING) (GASPS) Oh, my love, my love, losing you so young, so beautiful.
Still no jokes.
(FLATLY): I love you, and how.
(SOBS) You're too good for heaven, man.
(CHUCKLES) Excellent.
(CREATURES SQUAWKING) (EERIE SHRIEK) Welcome, Monty.
I'd like to take a selfie with you.
All right, but just one.
Hmm, it's not plugged in.
(SCREAMS) Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp - I feel free - Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  The Town
The Simpsons s28e03 Episode Script
The Town
1 HOMER: Come on, Marge, where's dinner? What's the holdup in there? (TO "CHARGE" FANFARE): Pot-pop-pot-pot pot pies! A pie for Bart - Come on, put them down already.
- a veggie pie for Lisa - Why do you have to describe everything? - a baby pie for Maggie.
The pies know who they're for.
- A dog pie for Santa's Little Helper.
- What? The dog The dog before me? Now, be sure to cut it open first so the pie has time to cool.
(SCREAMS) I'm done.
I know you're in a hurry to go to the bar to watch football, but first I want you to put the kids to bed.
(GROANS LOUDLY) (STRAINS, GRUNTS) "Everything after the tornado was a dream.
The end.
" (TIRES SCREECH) ANNOUNCER: Going into halftime, it's Springfield Atoms 7, Boston Americans 10.
Oh, come on, we cannot lose again to those no-good Boston cheaters! I-I can't stand that pretty-boy quarterback.
Thinks he's so handsome, just 'cause he's drop-dead gorgeous.
The only Boston wins is because they cheat! Listening in on our teams' headsets, fattening our cheerleaders.
You know, for three games last year, Boston used a volleyball painted brown.
(BOSTON ACCENT): That was never proven, you Springfield screw-job.
Ugh, Boston fans.
In town for the Dennis Lehane book tour.
Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule- breaking cranberry squeezers! We don't cheat.
We won 12 division titles in ten years, fair and square.
You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings.
ALL: Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! You're the one who's jealous.
I only wish I could be as jealous as you.
Geez, Jay, this place has got more knobs than a hardware store.
I hate this town.
So don't I.
Friggin' doorknobs.
(LAUGHTER) Automatic.
BOTH: Mwah, mwah, mwah.
ANNOUNCER: It's fourth and long, the Americans' last chance for a miracle.
Come on, Springfield, put it away! We're gonna win one.
We're finally gonna win one! ANNOUNCER: The QB handsomely takes the snap, sexily steps back to pass, and with God-given good looks, fires it downfield! But there's no one there to receive it! (GROANING) (SCOFFS) Nice pass.
What a first-ballot hall-of-fame loser.
ANNOUNCER: But the ball is caught by the Americans' mascot, Flappy the Flag! Flappy running unopposed into the end zone for a surely illegal touchdown.
Throwing to the mascot? After further review, Flappy the Flag is listed on the Americans' 53-man roster and reported eligible.
The result of the play is a touchdown.
(CROWD CHEERING) ANNOUNCER: Once again, the Americans found a way to win.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, that'll put a smile on Coach Bonderchuck's face.
(CROWD CHEERING) - (CHEERING) - Oh, not again! They cheated! You cheated! Did not.
You got to cover the mascot.
Use your noggin.
Play smart.
Flappy's on the roster.
(CHANTING): On the roster! - On the roster! - On the roster! On the roster, my butt.
Once again, those Boston cheaters think the rules don't apply to them.
And they're so smug about winning.
If I ever won anything, I wouldn't be smug about it.
I'd be class all the way, like Mark Harmon pure American elegance.
I tell ya, the next Boston fan I see, I'm just gonna lose it.
Lose it so hard.
And What the What is How could That hat! Your head! That team.
My son! Hey, Dad, caught the game last night.
Tough loss for your guys.
Guess we just wanted it more.
(SARCASTICALLY): Oh, am I in the right house? Because no one in my house would ever be caught dead wearing Boston Americans gear.
Dead! I feel ya, Homer.
Sucks to be a loser.
Unlike the six-time Mega-Bowl champion Boston Americans.
Mwah! (SMOOCHES) Ring, ring, ring.
(FRUSTRATED GRUNTS) Give me that hat.
(GROWLS) (GRUNTING, SNORTING) OlÃ©! (SIGHS) Your father never could resist an "olÃ©.
" Eh, he'll run out of steam soon.
(HOMER GROANING) (LAUGHTER) Get in.
(MILHOUSE AND NELSON SCREAM) (GULPS) Look around, son.
This is your hometown.
And the Springfield Atoms are your hometown team since 2003, when we stole them in the middle of the night from Portland.
What kind of life can you have here as a Boston fan? See? Why are you wearing that Boston hat? This is Atoms country, bro! I would pluck out my own eyes if I did not have a call-back for a Web-only Olive Garden commercial.
They're just trying to hat shame me.
Face it, Dad, Boston is the Bart Simpson of cities.
All those awesome Southies in The Departed, (CHUCKLES) those are my people.
People? The dog and the baby are your people.
(SIGHS) It all goes back to the Boston Tea Party, a prank so kick-ass it started a country.
(TIRES SCREECH) Come on, pal, what do you say? Just lose the hat, for your old man.
Nope, I think I'll stick with the bad boys.
Get it off before God sees.
(WHIMPERING) (GROANS): Oh! And the people from Boston are so obnoxious.
They think their stupid city has the best everything: bands, comedians, chowder, their so-called cream pies, which are actually cakes.
- And there's - Why don't you let me - take your mind off your problems? - And what's with Aerosmith? That's not how you spell "arrow.
" The Oh.
(BOTH MOANING) (CONFUSED GRUNTING) (WHIMPERING) Do your job, Homer.
(HOMER SCREAMS) Bart, you're my son.
There's no neck tattoo so crass, no gender reassignment too ambiguous that I would not love you.
Which is why I must show you the error of your ways, even if it means dragging this family all the way to hell.
A vacation to Boston? No, not a vay-cation, a hate-cation! Where you experience the worst a place has to offer, and then say, "Told ya!" Hate-watching, hate-voting and now a hate-cation? Why can't everyone just enjoy things they like? Because things you like don't fill you with delicious, delicious rage.
Hmm, I'm gonna love this trip.
I'm gonna love it right in your face.
That's it, build it up in your head.
High hopes just make the hate-cation stronger.
You're crazy.
Boston can't be that bad.
(HORNS HONKING) I've never loved hating anything so much! Move your garbage car! I got to get to the packy before the B's drop puck! Told ya! See, boy? Notice how Bostonians aren't exactly ugly, but they're not sexy either.
Homer, your negative attitude is ruining this hate-cation.
So, what to hate first? The Freedom Trail? The touch tank at the New England Aquarium? Ooh, that could blow.
I want to go to Southie.
That part of town has the towniest townies of any town.
(SCOFFS) You think your Bostonians are so great? Watch as your beloved hooligans tear your innocent father limb from limb with just the slightest provocation.
Listen up, you clam-gargling tea-tossers! Fenway is a terrible ballpark! Dad, don't! Out of my way, ladies.
You're blocking my shot.
The seats at Fenway Park are too narrow, and many of them face center field! It's not charming, it's a teardown! (BOSTON ACCENT): The bobbleheads! They're tippin'! (BOSTON ACCENT): Kid, mind the cart! - The what? - The cart! The cot? Cot! (GRUNTING) No, don't struggle! It only makes them bobble harder.
They keep coming.
Bobblehead Steven Wright, bobblehead Aimee Mann, bobblehead Bell Biv Devoe! The vibrations are killing him! Don't worry, sweetheart, I'm a doctor.
I'm also a doctor, kid.
(GROANING) Mm, so many doctors.
He's got a Pedro lodged in his airway.
(HOMER GASPS) He'll be fine, ma'am.
And because of our state's super-socialized health care, no matter how much your husband abuses his body, someone else will pay for it.
What a relief for women with hot-tempered, accident-prone husbands.
Oh, yeah, we got a whole surgical center for injuries from falling off icy roofs and gutters.
BOTH: Ooh.
While the doctors pull tiny Bruins helmets out of your skin, Lisa and I are going to explore The Hub on our own.
Remember, this is a hate-cation.
You better go someplace bad.
Isn't Mayor Quimby from somewhere around here? (ALL MUTTERING WITH THICK ACCENTS) People are so fit here.
Everyone looks like they're in a financial services ad.
Free sunscreen? So progressive.
Do you vaccinate your children? Of course.
But not stupid progressive.
- (LOW BUZZING) - What's that buzzing noise? (GASPS) It's-it's nerds! They've got every recognized species of nerd! A jester-hatted ferret preener! A Wild West-afarian! A Magic: The Gathering gathering! Oculus rifters! Yo-yo guys.
Yo-yo girls! A chain mail ping pong player.
(GIGGLES, SQUEALS) So much education.
If they did a Real Housewives here, it would be a total snooze.
Ah, it's like heaven for people who don't believe in heaven.
HOMER: What the crap is this BS? What? I thought you'd want to try candlepin bowling.
Hey, McCarthy, nice half-Worcester.
Get bent, McDonald.
A lot of wood to work with out there.
(SPUTTERS) Boston.
They even found a way to mess up bowling.
Just try it.
(GROANS) Eh, all right.
(GRUNTS) None of the usual pain in my knees, back, wrist, shoulder, neck, and chest.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) One pin standing.
Story of my life.
Whoa there, pal.
Don't forget your third ball.
Hold on, wait.
Wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
What? This is candlepin bowling.
You get three.
Hmm? Hmm.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) Three balls.
I see it all so clearly now.
What, Dad? What is it? This regional bowling with its one extra roll has knocked my misguided hate into the gutter.
Mwah! I like Boston! Dad, you and me are real father-son Southies, now.
Just like Ben and Casey Affleck.
Son, show me everything this town has to offer.
("THE MAN IN ME" BY BOB DYLAN PLAYING) Ooh ooh ooh La la la la la la la la la Ooh La la la la la La la la la La la la la la la la La la la la Ooh ooh ooh La la la - Ooh - La la la la la la la la (GULPS) You know, for a cake, this Boston cream pie isn't so bad.
Look at them.
So innocent.
Not Bart, but go on.
Homer, I never dared dream about living somewhere that values education, with great health care, and everyone's outdoorsy but still pallid.
If it weren't crazy, I'd say we should be raising our kids here.
But no.
No, no.
That's crazy! Is it? (GASPS) But I never thought you, of all people Honey, this could be the chance we never thought we'd get.
The chance to knock down all of life's pins.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? I am.
Fate is offering us a third ball.
Do you mean it? Are we going to move to Boston? I knew I didn't pay this month's mortgage for a reason.
(BOTH SIGH) (KISSES) We did it! We really did it! We made a life change.
I love these colonial quilts on the wall.
Now, I can take a nap standing up.
Check it out, kid.
This movie's my life now.
You want to rob the Harvard Coop? Why don't we just break into Fort Knox? These snobs think Mass Ave.
belongs to them.
It's our Ave.
Whoa! I got to get one of those "X" necklaces to kiss.
This is all happening so fast.
Can we really afford to live in a city with a symphony and a Pops? (LAUGHING): Don't worry, baby.
I have a line on a sweet safety inspector gig.
Very sweet.
HOMER: Can I get a test on batch six? I'm finally living my dream of never not being around batches of candy.
And unlike the nuclear plant, if I screw up, no one gets hurt.
(SCREAMING) Are you sure we have to go to school here? I sort of thought I'd go straight to running numbers for the Irish mob.
Our school is in the heart of what they once called The Combat Zone.
The Combat Zone! Yes! Combat rules! BART: Charter what? Here's my classroom.
The teacher is Doris Kearns Goodwin.
Today, we explore Lincoln's 1861 suspension of habeas corpus, using dried macaroni and pipe cleaners.
(GASPS EXCITEDLY) Huh, now to get sent to detention.
That's where I'll meet my future bank-robbing crew.
(ALL GASPING) Ha! How do you like them marbles? Bart, we have a place for kids like you.
Bring it on.
(CHOIR HUMMING "I'M SHIPPING UP TO BOSTON") BART: Kids singing? (HUMMING CONTINUES) What the hell? Like you, these kids are gifted with exceptional energy.
Which they've channeled into a cappella.
I'm shipping up to Boston Whoa! (SOFTLY): Departed.
These are the bad kids? There's not a Wahlberg in the bunch.
I've never felt more like I fit in.
People think Boston's all Southies and hooligans.
But it's really teachers, Ph.
D.
students, doctors, innovators, philanthropists.
It's like living in a giant classroom.
And every day is a new test.
(GROANING) (THUNDER CLAPS) Theater? Colleges? Culture? Oh, Pauly, if you could have known that Boston was gonna turn out so wussy, you never would have warned anybody.
Listen, my brother, and you shall see, this is a town not for you, but for me.
(SCREAMING) Hey, but what about Grampa? He lives a thousand miles away.
Great point.
Nobody tell him where we went.
Bart, you haven't touched your clambake.
What's wrong? This place is all P.
C.
brainiacs and Subaru owners wearing fleece vests.
It's nothing at all like The Departed.
Oh, honey, I know it's a big change.
But someday you'll understand that providing our family with a better life Something I've never been able to do.
is the most important thing in the world.
We've been given a third ball.
Let's not throw it away.
(GROANS) Same to you.
No one likes feeling out of place.
That's how I felt back in Springfield.
But I sucked it up for eight years.
Now it's your turn.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) Yes! Finally.
A Southie crew pulling a job.
I finally took that spin class with Miranda.
I was sweatin' so friggin' hard.
Hey, try this pressed juice, kid.
Ginger, cayenne Wicked cleanse, pal.
Come on.
Donny, Tommy, these solar laptops for Rwandans ain't gonna donate themselves.
It's time for me to ship out of Boston.
What a gorgeous day.
I hope it never ends.
So don't I.
You know, guys, I've picked out the perfect Boston activity to help celebrate our move.
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING) Ooh, a parade.
Not just any parade.
HOMER: The Boston Americans? CROWD (CHANTING): Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! It's a state holiday because the league overturned the coach's suspension for using magnets to affect the coin toss.
Pretty cool way to celebrate our new hometown.
Right, Dad? (FORCED): As a Bostonian, I definitely support my team.
Hey, Bonk! Can we get a picture? Hell to the derrr, little bro! (GRUNTING) Come on, Homer, put on the hat.
I can support my hometown team without putting on a hat.
Hats go on your head! If you're gonna live in Boston, you got to wear the hat.
(WINCES) Okay.
(GRUNTING, BLOWING) You did this on purpose.
My future is at stake.
So don't is mine.
(STRUGGLING): Just a hat.
You can do it, Homie.
Think of the candlepins.
This is our extra ball! A better life.
(YELLS) (ALL GASPING) (QUACKING) Derrr! Stupid cheaters! You cheat, you flip out when people say you cheat, and everybody knows you're nothing but a big bunch of cheaters! (CHUCKLING) You made us leave that lovely city rather than just put on a stupid hat.
It wasn't even fitted.
(SIGHS) I just couldn't wear the hat.
Well, I'm still mad at you.
I never even got to experience one of those Boston winters everyone raves about.
Come on, baby, we could never escape our problems by moving somewhere else.
Our problems are who we are, not where we are.
Well maybe.
The traffic was pretty annoying.
Not to mention the unspoken racism.
It wasn't that unspoken.
At least someone in this family is happy about where they came from.
Oh, don't worry, Lisa.
You'll get back to Boston someday.
What are you talking about? I never left.
I'm in Boston now.
Welcome home, Lisa.
Class is about to start.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Eh.
I'm shipping up to Boston Shipping up, shipping up I'm shipping up to Boston Shipping up to Boston, whoa I'm shipping up to Boston Yeah Shipping up to Boston Whoa! Departed!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  Treehouse of Horror XXVI
The Simpsons s28e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXVI
1 (THUNDER CRASHES) Oh, Dad, why are you taking us Christmas tree shopping on Halloween? Because in America, everything's way too early.
See? (CHUCKLES) ("CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING) (GRUNTS) ALL: Aah! Sideshow Bob! Aah! One of you guys! - Frank Grimes?! - Who? I'm the guy who hated you.
Hated you! Died from my hatred of you.
(LAUGHS) Good old Grimey.
To the point, we are evil geniuses who somehow lost every battle we've had with Homer Simpson.
- (CRUNCHING) - What? So we decided to form this furious four.
Bob, seriously, man, one suggestion? Shut up.
I mean, the baby is already asleep.
Aw.
(UNEARTHLY SCREECH) Enough! Time for revenge most sweet.
- Uh - Wait a minute.
I thought you said "furious four.
" I did.
Revenge! But first we dance.
(IRISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) Will nobody stop these people? (SIMPSONS HALLOWEEN THEME PLAYS) (DING) Ah.
In Hell they make you watch them all in a row.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL CRYING OUT) - (HEAVY THUMPING) - Hmm.
LISA: We didn't have much in Springfield, but we always had water.
then the rivers dried up, and a drought of Chicago Cubs proportions began.
(ALL EXCLAIM) (SAMUEL BARBER'S "ADAGIO FOR STRINGS" PLAYING) (GROANS) Attention, friends and neighbors.
As you know, I possess all the remaining water.
(SLURPING) Why do we keep reelecting this guy? To take your mind off your troubles, I will sponsor a no-holds-barred battle to the death among our cutest children.
Makes sense.
What sickos want to see ugly kids die? One child from each neighborhood will be selected to compete as their champion.
The last child standing in a pile of his fallen chums will win a day of aquatic fun at my personal reservoir.
(WHIMPERING) (SLURPING) Good luck to you all.
What a feeling He's wastin' water like a Tucson swim-up bar while I'm bathing with a dog's tongue here! (DOG WHINING) Okay, sweetie.
I've hidden a bunch of weapons in your suit.
Uh, Mom, I can barely move.
Well, I could use a new look.
Hmm.
Hmm hmm.
(GASPS) You just died.
Who are you? They call me Homish.
I'm your coach.
Huh.
It's hard to believe you could coach anyone.
If you don't think I can, try watching just a few of the hundreds of movies with characters like me.
Also, I sober up in the middle with no difficulty just like real alcoholics.
Welcome, children.
The Games will begin in ten seconds! Do not step off your pedestals before RALPH: Before what? Whee! (EXPLOSION) (CANNON FIRES, "TAPS" PLAYS) What, what? What did I miss? Oh.
(GRUNTING AND PANTING) (GASPS) The only thing I want to kill is your sadness.
My name is Pita, like the healthy bread.
My name is also Peta, like the animal rights organization.
(GROANING AND GRUNT) Did someone order two dead kids? (CANNON FIRES, "TAPS" PLAYS) (MIMICS BIRD CALLS) You can come out now, Homish.
HOMER: What about all the birds? That was me.
(GASPS) (CANNON FIRES) ("TAPS" PLAYS) Wait a minute, we don't have to kill each other.
Now you tell me.
People of Springfield! We have the power! With all our new fighting skill, we could topple Burns.
Or we could do it peacefully at the ballot box.
Ned, that noggin of yours is just what we need.
(YELLING) To the reservoir! Freedom! (GRUNTS) Right in the back! Like the coward I am.
(PROKOFIEV'S "THE BATTLE ON THE ICE" PLAYS) ALL: Yay! We're saved! Aw! Ah, we really should have left it in the reservoir.
It was all for nothing.
We're doomed.
- (THUNDER RUMBLES) - Hmm? Rain.
Rain.
We're saved.
Well, it could be worse.
(WIND WHOOSHING) Oh, God, me and my big mouth.
Ooh, I just donated the winter clothes.
I'm a god in this reality.
Sure, why not? 11, 12, 13.
(MOTOR STARTS) Ready or not, here I (SCREAMS) (FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYS) Why? Why did my best friend have to die? (CRYING): I mean, it's a great college essay, but it's not worth it.
So sorry you lost your best friend in such a cool tragedy, Lisa.
Since you're interesting now, you can be our best friend.
Really? That would be so (THUD) (SCREAMING) We now bury Sherri and Terri, survived by their brothers, Jerry and Larry, and their father and mother, Barry and Mary.
And now some light remarks by comedian Drew Carey.
There was some sort of mistake.
I thought I was doing a Microsoft event.
(CRYING) Man, who'd have thought a funeral for a couple of kids would be such a downer? (SIGN BUZZING) Everything seems big to a child, Lisa.
But in a few weeks, losing three friends in two days is something you'll laugh about.
And I'm here for you.
Really? Think of me as your best friend.
(SCREAMS) Ms.
Mancuso-Gluckman! (MOTOR HUMMING) Lisa Simpson, you are the prime suspect in the murders of two normals and a twin set.
(GRUNTS) Well, well, well, well, well.
Well, look what we have here.
Well.
This matches what we found on the lawnmower and the picture in the therapist's office.
Sparkle nail polish? But I only wore that with Rachel.
Who's Rachel? And tell me it's not a computer acronym like Repeating Algorithm for Calculating Hotel Come on, Lou, help me out here.
No, no, no.
You got yourself into that acronym.
You can, uh, get yourself out.
Lou stands for lousy, obstinate, um Uh, help me out here, Lou.
I had no real friends.
So I played with my imaginary friend, Rachel.
We did it all together.
I was maid of honor at her imaginary wedding.
But then I outgrew her.
(BART HUMMING) And I never saw Rachel or wore this nail polish again.
That's a nice story, kid, but, uh, we're keeping our eye on you.
Only invisible killer I believe in is God.
(BRAKES SQUEAKING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (GASPING) Well, I'm not afraid to be around you.
Hello, best friend.
(GASPS) No, no, please.
(GAGGING) Why did Mom double-wrap? (GROANS) How could you do that? You tell me.
I came from your brain, where your darkest thoughts live.
(DISSONANT NOTES PLAYING) Shut up, shut up, shut up! (SIREN WAILING) I didn't do it.
Plastic wrap doesn't lie.
Except on the box, where it says "easy tear-off.
" Hey, Lisa, let's gossip about boys.
Isn't Milhouse so cute? Oh, of course, he suffocated.
My mom was so right when she said I didn't need you anymore.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
So, nosy old Marge was the reason you-you moved on from me.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
She'll kill Mom.
What do I do? You can keep quiet and let me get you out of here.
(GASPS) Bart! You came to save me? Actually, I deliver little bags to guys inside.
Don't know what's in 'em, but they're sure glad to see me.
Come on, let's go.
Yo, could you please keep it down? Some of us are trying to shiv.
Tell Ralphie I won't be home for dinner.
Uh, tell him that dinner is the meal at the end of the day.
Uh, tell him the end of the day is when the sun goes down.
Tell him Oh, thank you, thank you.
(MARGE HUMMING A TUNE) (MEOWS) - (THUNK) - Aah! (GROANS) (HUMMING A TUNE) - (BOTH PANTING) - (HARMONICAS WHEEZING) God, those have so much drool.
Come on, we got to save Mom.
Come on, imagine a motorcycle to get us out of here.
My imagination isn't that powerful.
You imagined a girl that's killing everyone in town.
Good point.
Where do I sit? (GROANS) Safety first.
And it runs on pony smiles.
Oh, man, you ruin everything.
LISA: Rachel, no! Why can't a real person like me this much? I'm going to kill everyone you love.
And they'll blame you because nobody else can see me.
I can see you.
Because I am incredibly wasted.
Hey (GAGGING) Only my childhood imaginary friend can save me now.
Sergeant Sausage, you came! I love you.
Rachel, Rachel, you must understand the thankless role of the imaginary friend.
When the child matures, you cease to exist.
I don't take orders from a hot dog.
Uh uh-oh.
No, no cut slits in me first! Aah! Aah! Aah! Rachel, you have to go.
I can turn you into the worst thing you can imagine: your mother.
No! You'll be sorry, Lisa.
I'm the truest friend you've ever had.
I'll have friends in college.
And you'll be married to a dentist.
We'll spend every vacation with my parents.
Ha, ha.
You think your dad will pay for college? Now who's imagining thi (ELECTRIC WHIRRING) (ALL SIGH) And now it's time to lay my good friend to rest.
At least his life wasn't in vain.
Actually, as an imaginary friend, I can never die.
Get in my stomach.
Okay, yes, sir.
Violence never solved anything.
Don't use math on us.
Ah.
We're gonna kill you, Simpson.
And book the funeral in a huge church so it looks empty.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
Can I help youse gentleman? Just get your broom, old man, and get ready to sweep up some broken boy.
And make it snappy.
I rather wish you'd-a hadn't-a done that.
You idiot, now you're trapped here with us.
(LAUGHTER) Idiot.
Ow! Sorry.
I should have used a coaster.
(GRUNTS) (GAGGING) (ALL GROANING) You know we're only 13, right? Come with me.
(GASPS) Whoa.
I didn't know the pool table could do that.
Halloween show money.
Yeah, you see, kid, it turns out the guys you thought were wastin' time in this bar were actually covert agents helpin' to save the world.
So, how did things go in Prague? Oh, quite well.
I canceled a few Czechs.
We've had our eye on you since your father our best man died.
They said he died jogging, but I never believed it.
Smart boy.
He was actually killed by our greatest nemesis.
We need you to take his place.
But I'm just a kid.
We all of us have special abilities.
All these years I've been pretending to be the idiot bartender while actually I'm this super genius guy.
Now, do you want to avenge your father? I'm in.
Do I get any weapons? You certainly do.
Let me introduce you to Q.
There it is.
A pool cue.
That's your weapon.
Now let me introduce you to your fellow agents.
Old Fashioned.
Rob Roy.
And I'm Toilet Gin.
Now listen up here.
We're getting a transmission from our leader, Highball.
He does an amazing Michael Caine impression.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I have the most interesting development.
We have learned of a plot to buy up all of the world's beer.
Can I help you with something, sir? I believe that cute blonde is interested in earbuds.
Oh, boy! Now, here is the name of our adversary.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Hmm.
Barney, give me what you got.
Remoh Industries market capitalization, $20 billion and the new owner of Duff Stadium.
Tonight they're throwing a free concert.
Looks like this concert'll have a few guests who weren't invited.
Everyone's invited.
It's free.
State of the art fingerprint scanner.
Cutting edge technology.
Uh, hand me my toolbox.
We're in.
Welcome, gentlemen.
(CAT PURRING) Dad? You're alive! How'd you get that scar? (MEOWS) Ow! That's how.
Of course.
Remoh spelled backwards is Homer.
It is? Uh, I mean, it's intentional.
Now, I suppose you're wondering why I cornered the world beer supply.
I've created a lava machine that will force the world to surrender to me.
Then I want all the beer to celebrate.
Well, we're gonna stop you.
Really? - (MEOWS) - (GRUNTS) To kill me, you'll have to get through an army of jazz rock aficionados age 50 and up.
(ENGINE STRAINING) Oh, it seems like every year my rockets get less powerful.
Attention, lovers of studio perfectionism.
I've drugged all the concessions so you'll do what I say.
Drugs at a Steely Dan concert? I never thought I'd see the day.
- Angry mob, kill the intruders.
- Huh? Steely Dan, play "Deacon Blues.
" No, "Royal Scam.
" No, "Babylon Sisters.
" ("BABYLON SISTERS" BY STEELY DAN BEGINS PLAYING) I haven't had any training.
Now you have.
(GRUNTING) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (GRUNTS) Aah! (GRUNTING) Haw-haw! You missed my heart.
Attaboy.
(SIGHS) We still haven't gotten to the beginning of the song.
But, Dad, this can be a new beginning for us.
You mean you don't want to kill me? I love you, Dad.
And violence never solved anything.
Except this.
Also, every time you die, I get another semester of automatic As.
Everything appears in order, sir.
But, uh, where is Master Simpson? I believe he's having a little Sherri.
JUDITH OWEN: 600 Yes, that's right We've churned out 600 shows It goes and goes Two times 300 And thousands of promos for Shows that were bad Yes, they were bad So very bad We love gold Gold.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  Trust But Clarify
The Simpsons s28e05 Episode Script
Trust But Clarify
1 (Lisa grumbles) (exclaiming) - (school bell ringing) - (Barney belches) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) No! Not there! Anywhere but there! - Oh, a museum? - (Marge grunts) (plays discordant notes) (gasps) (moans) (groans) (belches) Hmm.
The Itchy and Scratchy Show! (crows cawing) (dramatic music playing) Ooh! I'd like a slice.
(both laughing) Hey, hey! What time is it, kids? KIDS: Product tie-in time! That's right! I'm introducing a new line of candy so delicious that the Krusty Corporation board of directors will stop threatening to oust me.
(drum roll) Presenting Krustaceans! They look like shrimp, they taste like candy, and they're organic! Uh "Clown eats snack"? Uh-oh, this could get ugly.
What do you know.
They're actually good! Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, hey, kids, Krusty won't be needing the spit bucket! (laughs) Mmm! They are good.
How did you get them so fast? I'm a Krusty Prime member.
$75 a month, but it's worth it.
What? Tibor's getting a corner office? Oh, yeah, yeah, Tibor got promoted to senior VP.
(groans) CARL: Cooling tower views, two chairs for two visitors.
LENNY: A picture of a nondescript lighthouse.
CARL: Oh, my God, what is he getting out of that mini fridge? It's filled with mini-colas! LENNY: Wow, he looks like a giant drinking that thing.
I was in line for that job, and I lost it to someone who barely speaks English.
It's humidifying.
HOMER'S VOICE: Well, then why the hell don't you do something about it? Huh? Who said that?! Me! (grunts) Who are you? I'm your ambition.
How come I never met you before? I've been locked up for 30 years by Apathy and Alcoholism! (both groaning) Now, Homer, Tibor is no better than you.
He just dresses nicer.
I guess I could dress a little better.
Probably.
That's the most ambitious thing you've ever said.
Guys, is there something wrong with the way I dress? No.
If you're a typewriter salesman in 1953.
Also, for a guy, you show way too much cleavage.
Hey, these two have gotten me out of so many traffic tickets.
Look, man, if people think your clothes are outdated, they'll think you're outdated.
Lenny wears suspenders.
Correction: I rock suspenders.
Ah, Tibor.
There's my go-getter.
Thank you, Witch of the Mountains.
(band plays upbeat music, audience cheers) Tonight we have with us a distinguished senior journalist for another installment of our pointless Internet sensation: Talking Heads Sing Talking Heads.
Kent Brockman, everybody! (Talking Heads music playing) And you may ask yourself How do I work this? And you may ask yourself Where is that large automobile? And you may tell yourself Okay, that's it.
(band plays upbeat music, audience cheers) Speaking of once-in-a-lifetime experiences, Kent, I understand you have a fascinating story about your time in Basra.
Well, Jimmy, I was embedded with the 98th Airborne.
My lullaby was the thwap-thwap-thwap of the blades of a Chinook.
I was in the 98th Airborne.
I don't remember him.
I don't even remember what I said at the start of this sentence! Out there, everyone was equal.
I was "Brock," the pilot was "Bama.
" Was he from Alabama? He was from America, Jimmy.
To me, it was just another day at the office.
Only this day, the office was a burning piece of metal where an RPG just took out the pilot.
So I grabbed the joystick and guided that wounded bird down onto a container ship which was sinking.
I bailed it with my helmet and guided her home.
(audience cheering) That didn't happen, man! Oh, you Iraq War vets are always complaining.
(mocking): "That didn't happen.
" "The temperature was 125.
" "The U.
S.
O.
show was Rob Schneider.
" "American objectives have been, and remain, incomprehensible.
" Wah-wah-wah.
MARGE: Dinnertime! (humming) No junk food! We're at the dinner tables.
KENT BROCKMAN: This is Kent Brockman with a humble apology.
(dramatic kettle drum plays) You know, we in the news business like to report the story; we don't like to be the story.
That's what I said to Nelson Mandela atop the Berlin Wall, but No, I didn't.
That's the problem! Now you're not eating.
I can't eat when I'm watching the spectacle of an imploding celebrity.
We have lip-quiver, people.
I'm sorry to report to you that over the years, every interesting thing I've done is, in fact, a complete lie.
I did not land a Chinook helicopter.
I did not see bin Laden die, or even see the movie about it.
Now that I've apologized, my station has assured me that it has full confidence These were the last words of disgraced anchor Kent Brockman before he was escorted out by security and replaced by me, Arnie Pye.
This reporter promises to restore our news department's credibility.
In our top story, corporate taxes are too high.
Geez, I'm really gonna miss Anderson Cooper.
That wasn't Anderson Cooper.
Oh, thank God.
I'm not licked yet not as long as I've got a cell phone and a place to sit.
Company car.
(tires screech) Marge, I think I may have to get new clothes.
(whispers): At last! It's time for me to project the image of a powerful, self-reliant man.
Will you take me shopping after school? Sure.
And after that, maybe you could oh, I don't know, lose a little weight? Marge, no, don't get greedy, don't get greedy.
Sweetheart, I'm always happy to temporarily lose weight.
Oh So, this app is called Smothr.
Lets my mom keep a healthy eye on me 24/7.
Milhouse, you're overexcited.
You're going to get a bloody nose.
I will not! See? Hmm.
I call these num-nums because they make my fingers numb.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Why are the only ingredients here "water, fun and hydrogenated chuckles"? Hey, Krusty makes quality products.
Incoming! Mm, let me try one of those candies.
I shared a meal with Lisa.
It's halfway to a kiss.
Now I kissed Lisa.
No one kissed Lisa! - Hmm? - Hmm? Hmm, I don't think candy should give me a tingling in my left arm.
I'm gonna prove to you that Krusty is a good clown with nonlethal candy.
Hey, Otto-man, can you take us to the food processing district? No way, Bartman.
Hey, Otto, I just remembered, we have a field trip to the food processing district.
Oh, man, we're late! (tires screech) FRANK SINATRA: This town Is a lonely town Not the only town You're a very lucky lady.
(laughs) (humming) Hmm? (groans) Hmm.
(grunting) Really? You're thwarted by a shirt? Never! This is so exciting with my Homie in a haberdashers.
My husband needs a complete makeover.
Well, thank you, lady with the beehive hair.
Ooh, intimate but heterosexual.
CLERK: Here you are, pal.
(moaning): Oh! Oh! Homie? Oh, baby, you had the same idea I did.
Mmm! This wasn't my idea, but (gasps) Oh (chuckles) They all think they're the first ones.
Wow.
Ready for the corner office.
I feel like Mrs.
Mad Men.
Now let's get you rung up, lard-ass.
- What did you call me? - Uh, Lord S.
Oh.
Well, we've got a nice- looking couple here.
Walk away, Marge, just walk away.
I'm holding my sharpest key.
Wait, Homie.
It's Kent Brockman.
The man who betrayed our trust.
I'm producing my own news content now.
Could you spare a few sound bites (chuckles): for this rudderless anchor? Forget it.
We only like newspeople we can trust.
So no newspeople! Oh, well, I have bigger problems.
Can't afford toothpaste, so tonight my teeth will have film at 11:00.
OTTO: Adios! Don't worry, Krusty's favorite number is how many jokes he's written.
Wow! Hydroponic gardening.
Organic fertilizer.
Maybe I was wrong about Krusty.
(groans) This candy is reeking with chemicals! Just once I'd like to be wrong.
Well, from what I read in your diary, you're rarely right.
(groans) We've got to get these samples analyzed.
Bart, do you think we'll get out of here safely? I think the guard's no problem.
(snores) (robotic voice): Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.
(snores) Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.
(snores) Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.
Here comes our ride.
(bicycle bell dings) I called UberKid.
(Eastern European accent): Please get in.
You want bottled water? Mints? Take.
Your accent is so interesting.
Where are you from? Uh, small town in Latvia.
You don't know it.
Well, I'd like to hear.
Why do you have to make friends with everyone? (sighs) So much great work for naught.
Kent, as your agent, I promise we will find you something, or so help me, we will drop you.
That's a promise.
Well, could you, uh, get me on Fox News? Would you be willing to call yourself a liberal and lose every discussion? Every single one? Okay, you've already asked too many questions.
The offer's dead.
(sighs) Empower your horse Right through the sun Blast a rainbow light from your empowerment gun.
So, you're gonna get this to Katy Perry? I never said that.
Hey, guys.
Notice anything different? Whoa, whoa, impressive! Italian? Oh-ho.
Better.
Connecticut! (chuckles) Yeah, I think I'm gonna go into old man Burns and say, "Here is a leader of men and women.
" 'Cause that's what you have to say now.
High five, man! Why do we call it "high five" when we only have four fingers? You know, I've always wondered that.
FRINK: Oh, what have we here? Uh, Lisa, these vials are filled with formaldehyde.
Formaldehyde! Do you understand? Do not imbibe! Check.
No imbibing.
Bart! Imbibing is eating, and formaldehyde is poison.
Oh, you take all the fun out of eating poison.
You're just an apologist for Krusty.
I am not a paid apologist for Krusty! I didn't say "paid.
" Got to go.
I'll see you in the future.
(mechanical humming) Uh, that's just my bathing suit dryer.
I, uh yes.
(groaning) Sorry, kid, not interested in your story.
Krusty's our biggest star, and formaldehyde's our biggest sponsor.
I'm gonna have to go off the grid.
All right, Kent Brockman.
Welcome to BizzFad.
We are so crunched.
(chuckles): Well, the crunching is mutual.
"The crunching is mutual"? What the hell does that mean? Well, I know that the media has changed, but this old newshound can still find his way home.
Okay I thought I might do a piece on all the crazy ice cream flavors they have these days.
Bacon? Really? (chuckles) Kent, I like it.
I do.
But we just went bankrupt.
Uh, people, people, you're all fired.
But, seriously, it's been a great four days.
Thank you.
Uh, gentlemen, I suggest we ramp up production.
I have a few suggestions right here in my pocket.
Do it, Homer! Yeah, yeah, yeah! (gasps) Are you Lust? No.
Lupus.
(shrieks) Huh? Huh? Huh? (chuckles) Hey, fatso, I'd close that tent flap before the mosquitoes get in.
(chuckles) What the? I thought you would like it.
Actually, I think you should take this tarp back to the baseball stadium you got it from.
In case there's a rain delay.
(chuckles) I did not see that coming, sir.
Off you go, Simpson.
Never seek to better yourself again.
I'm just going to shove my foot on your back for emphasis.
Yes, sir.
I understand.
But could you try not to get my new jacket dirty? Sorry, but no.
Well done, sir.
Now your turn, Smithers.
I never thought you'd ask.
So, why do you want to give the story to Brockman? Because the best thing you can do is offer a lifeline to a person with no hope.
Here I am! Sorry, not you.
Thank God! Well, how do you know where Brockman will be? To find a fallen man, you must visit the scene of his highest peak.
When he reported on the flood of '09.
My career and these flood waters crested at the same time.
This is Kent Brockman blowing a sad song on his beer bottle.
(playing sad tune) Mr.
Brockman, we've uncovered a huge story! And we need a real newsman to break it wide open.
(sighs) A real newsman, eh? Then you've come to the wrong corner.
What do you mean? Oh, I'm through.
Now, please, let me just go out with my remaining dignity intact.
This is Kent Brockman thinking dark and suicidal thoughts.
It's quiet here in the gutter.
Very quiet.
Well, it was.
Okay, who would like to start today? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, come on.
In three, two I'm here live at the support group Our top feeling today This just in: I'm sad.
(slurring): You know, I'll be tooling around, and I'll just constantly lapse into my elocution exercises.
"A Lockheed L-1011 landed safely in Bogalusa, Louisiana, after an alert.
" Oh, I've been there.
- Too true.
- Courage.
Kent, you're looking unusually thoughtful and silent for an anchor.
You know, I thought I'd come to terms with life off the news cycle, and then, bang, I was offered a scoop on a platter.
(slurring): Well, did you leap on that lead like a lion on a lemur? I passed! As in, "I am a thing of the" Dan Rather, do you have something to contribute besides this delicious homemade Bundt cake? Mmm.
Kent, why are you doing this? Why did you get into this business? Money, women, free coffee.
The usual.
Sir, if you please, these days, a bona fide uncorrupted story is rarer than a snake with sneakers.
It's harder to find than a yellow-fronted bowerbird.
Jump on it, hoss, and ride till Gramma churns the buttermilk.
That's when the barn dance starts.
What is that feeling? Is it integrity? Good to see ya, buddy.
I'm in! Anybody got eyeliner and pancake makeup? Take mine, brother.
Works great on Mediterranean skin.
It's from my personal line, Rather Handsome.
Well, Marge, I was humiliated by Mr.
Burns, it's true.
But, to me, this is nothing more than a temporary setback.
Good for you, Homie.
I'm proud of you.
Hey, Homer Simpson is not deterred by a footprint on his suit.
It'll come out, right? - I don't know.
- (shrieks) Homer, I have a 12-step plan for your success.
Step number one: get in a 12-step plan.
(grunts) This is an opportunity! (screams) I think I'm going to Moe's.
(tires screech) Krusty, we have evidence that your product is laced with toxic additives.
Yeah.
So why you bothering me? LISA: Because your tasty little treat did this.
(whirring) I made the doctor cry.
They told me the paralysis would be temporary! Five years, tops.
Seriously, come on, that kid wasn't going anywhere anyway.
It looks like this clown could not formalde-hide the truth.
(chuckles) This is Kent Brockman, saying No! I'm gonna sing Beatles songs so you can't afford to show this video! - A-one, two, three, four! - Too late! Well, you're back on top, Kent.
And now for a once monthly feature we do called Serious Question.
(horn honks) Tell us, how did you get this story? Well, it's funny, actually.
I was trapped in a burning building (gasps) Is he really gonna take all the credit for this? Don't ask me.
The last newsman I could trust was that bigamist, Charles Kuralt.
It was a burning building called my career.
Thank God I had help.
Lisa Simpson, you deserve to be on this couch with me.
But because I don't lie anymore, I have to say I didn't fight too hard when they said no.
Hmm.
Is that enough? Are you kidding? You got Hollywood's highest honor: shared credit, no money.
I've been informed that this is my last newscast as anchor of the Channel 6 News.
Before I go, I'd like to get a few things off my chest.
I've made out with Kent's daughter.
The grown-up one! Are you almost through? In a hurry to fail again, Kent?! No, it's just I've been off the air for six weeks, and it was torture.
Sometimes I'd watch Bill O'Reilly and pretend it was an older, stupider version of me.
Go ahead.
Take your chair.
Do what you do best.
Tonight's lotto numbers: six, 17, 42, 45 and 83! I'm back!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  There Will Be Buds
The Simpsons s28e06 Episode Script
There Will Be Buds
1 FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Well, it's the first Saturday in September, and that means one thing in Springfield.
It's that time again.
Opening day of peewee football.
(OVER P.
A.
): And everybody's headed down to Child Soldier Field to catch all the action.
It all comes down to this, the first game of the year, perfect season on the line.
And drunks are being rolled off the field.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Springfield Neutrinos! (CROWD CHEERING) BART: Huh? NELSON: Where'd everybody go? BART: I can't see.
(GASPS) They over-fogged the run-in! They put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd.
Yeah, are you psyched up now? Huh? Are you?! (PLAYERS PANICKING, HELMETS CLONKING) Concussions! Concessions! - (DOOR DINGS) - Aah! (ANXIOUS CHATTER) My boy hit his head doing football! I'm a doctor's wife.
Save my boy first! My boy needs an MRI! (CLAMORING) Ow! - Ow! - Ow! - Ow! Ow! - Oh! (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) With head injury concerns on the mind, the town has shut down its peewee football program.
Professor, what danger does this concussion threat truly pose? Uh, well, Kent, these children will need their brains unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs of the future: polishing and buffing our robot masters.
Indeed.
And here to defend youth football, we have Nelson's dad.
Are you wearing makeup? Is it worth the risk to your son's health when only .
1 percent of youth football players make it to the pros? You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes to play pro ball? Huh? Boy, show him your moves.
Juke it, juke it! (GRUNTING) Why are you dekeing it when I said juke it? Take a lap! Without football, Kent, (NELSON GROANS) how are kids gonna learn character like I did, you stupid fruit-munch? And what is your problem, smart-nuts? (GRUNTS) Which brings us to this question: if not football, what sport is safe for our children? But there are so many club sports that can eat up all our free time.
What about baseball? (SCOFFS) Baseball Rife with steroids! Then test for steroids! Oh and then there'll be no home runs! (ALL ARGUING) Um, I think I-I may have a solution.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about biathlon? That teaches kids to ski and kill.
How about Frisbee-golf? If I could just have your attention Hey, what about Filipino tooth-fighting? It builds biting, jaw strength and mouth work.
The champion for a long time was a dog.
(GROANS) No one is listening to me.
Well, maybe no one wants to hear your ridiculous idea.
Let's go, we're late for prenatal yoga.
Milhouse is ten.
Why are we still doing that? Poor Kirk.
No one listens to him.
Even Luann treats him like garbage.
(SIGHS) Love's funny like that.
Help him out.
Make people listen to his idea.
Oh, why me? I only came to this concert because I was told it was a potluck.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) (ARGUING CONTINUES) Attention, smothering parents who only came to hear themselves talk! You're an idiot! (ARGUING QUIETS) This guy has as much right to bore us as any of you! Take it away, buddy.
(ECHOING): Buddy, buddy, buddy "Buddy.
" Huh.
Um, I've got an exciting sport that's great exercise a-and teaches teamwork.
Lacrosse.
- La-what? - What-cross? What-what? Lacrosse.
It's the perfect combination of America's two least watched sports: soccer and hockey.
(MURMURING EXCITEDLY) Any kid can learn to play lacrosse.
Even this.
(PARENTS GASPING) This isn't a drive-in movie.
(PARENTS GASPING) Everybody, feel free to whip stuff at my son's face.
(LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER) Yarr.
Now hold on there.
Lacrosse has the second highest concussion rate, right after football.
(CHANTING): Safer than football! Safer than football! Hey, why don't we have this fruit-munch teach our kids this crazy sport? Me, coach your kids? Most of you won't even make eye contact when I'm weighing your yogurt.
I'll do it.
If Homer will coach with me.
Huh? We've come too far together on this crazy ride.
It wouldn't feel right to do it without you buddy.
(ECHOING): Buddy, buddy, buddy Mm? Oh, fine, I'll coach with this guy.
But I promise you this: I will never stop complaining about it.
(CHEERING) (GRUMBLING): Stupid sport I never heard of make me wake up early on a Saturday probably have to slice oranges Don't even know the rules because I refuse to learn 'em my kids will probably suck at it And I'll have to kneel down on photo day, knees get all wet despite my bad attitude, I'm thrilled by the nonstop action kids running towards me with a look of joy I've never seen before Dad, we won! It's okay, kids.
What matters is you tried your best.
Have an orange slice.
No, we won! Yes, we're all winners.
Because losing teaches valuable lessons.
Have an orange slice.
We did it, buddy.
You and I make a great team.
We won for real! For the first time in our lives, we can say "Good game" and actually mean it.
Good game! Uh, good game! Ha! That's loser talk! (CHEERING) (GROANING) Wow, pizza really does taste sweeter after you win.
(HUMMING HAPPILY) Dude.
My kids have never won at anything.
All the girl does is read and the boy's got one of those paying attention diseases that isn't really a disease.
Awesome job, guys! How do you know so much about lacrosse? Wait.
You want to know about me? (DISINTERESTED MUMBLING) Well, it all goes back to my college days, where I was the star attackman on our lacrosse team.
(CROWD CHEERING) (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) I'd even been drafted to play in the pros for the Milwaukee Zoom.
After scoring the championship-winning goal, I was on top of the world, man.
I was high-fiving everybody.
For the first time in my life, no one, and I mean no one, was leaving me hanging.
I was slap-happy, I couldn't stop myself, until I highed one five too far.
(METALLIC CLANK) (WRIST SHATTERING) Our school mascot, Sir Gudge-a-lot.
(RETCHING) My Zoom dream died that day.
Mm (GRUNTS ANGRILY) Uh Ah (METALLIC CLICKING) My wrist healed, but my wrist in here never did.
I've never high-fived my own son.
The mascot wore a suit of armor? Just like a knight! Yeah, but now lacrosse has brought us together.
Hey, a toast, to new friendship! Could I get a roll of toilet paper, please? I get nosebleeds when I drink.
To new friendship.
Mm.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
(HOMER SNORING) - Dad! Dad! - Dad! Dad! Dad, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! (MOANING GROGGILY) Oof! (MAGGIE COOS) It's 6:00 a.
m.
on a Saturday.
We have a weekend lacrosse tournament! (HORN HONKING OUTSIDE) There's Coach K! Come on, come on, come on! (BART AND LISA GRUNTING) (LISA CHUCKLES) (BOTH BREATHING RAPIDLY) LISA: Come on, Dad! (GRUNTS, GASPS) Check out the travel van, brah! (CHUCKLES) Two days, ten games, 700 miles and one sweet mixtape.
I hope you like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, 'cause this van's about to swing.
So I think about my next drink And it's you and me And the bottle makes three tonight Uh I'm pretty sure a mixtape isn't just the same song over and over again.
No, no, dude, they're different live versions.
You can tell because some are longer.
(MUSIC STOPS) Hey, you want a hit off my vape pen? It tastes like passionfruit and people think you're a smoker.
Why would I want that? (CHUCKLING): Don't worry, Marge isn't here.
Oh, speaking of which, where is the craziest place you two have ever done it? - What? - Let's both say it at the same time.
One two - Don't! - Chipotle! There are kids back there! Oh, they can't hear us.
I got 'em watching classic lacrosse matches.
(CROWD CHEERING) Textbook ankle-breaker by Gary Gait! And Paul Gait with the dip and dunk! Everyone be sure to fuel up with a rice sandwich.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
HOMER: Rice in a sandwich? That's mush-on-mush.
Doesn't this dweeb know kids need bologna to win? Those sandwiches had so many carbs! I've never played harder! Rice power! (GRUNTS) Uter, watch those alligator arms! Hug the pipe, Sherri! Milhouse, gobble and goose! (CHEERING) Bart Simpson with the Canadian egg roll! We won every game.
Kirk is like a sports genius who everyone hates.
Worse than Jim Harbaugh? Well, not that bad.
I know Kirk's a bit of a dizzy duck, but remember, you're doing this for the kids.
Right, right.
The kids.
Everything for the kids.
(GASPS) Oh, God, he's coming! Hide, Marge.
Oh, good call, buddy.
Disco nap.
We got to power up for tonight.
(CHUCKLES) Tonight? Which gentlemen's club should we hit first, Skin City or the Tassel Castle? Gentlemen's you mean a strip club? Yeah, Wiggles has great dancers, but they're kind of stuck up, if you believe Lap-Aficionado.
com.
Which, uh (CHUCKLES) I do.
Why would I want to go to a strip club? I'm married to a naked lady.
Drive time to Sapphire Diamond is only 39 minutes.
That's the fastest it's been all day.
Hey, wa 38 minutes! Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot of kind of guys A booze guy, a don't-know-my-kids'- birthdays guy, a steal-the-blow-dryer- from-the-motel guy, but I am not a strip club guy.
You do want to hang with me, don't you, buddy? (GROANS SOFTLY) I can't do it.
I can't pretend to be this guy's friend for one more second.
I scored three goals today! I'm a jock.
A jock! I didn't spit on my hand for the post-game handshake.
Hey, pal, I don't like Kirk either, but look how much fun the kids' heads are having.
(SIGHS) Of course I want to hang with you, buddy.
But, you know, I'm pretty tired from all those YouTube videos you showed me about whiskey making.
It gets its color from the barrel.
I know, the barrel.
Let's just get some sleep.
Well, all right.
Next time we can just rage twice as hard, I guess.
(CLICK, THEN LOUD HEARTBEAT) What the hell is that? I can't sleep without my white noise machine.
Womb setting.
(HEARTBEAT CONTINUES) So I think about my next drink And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight Yeah! (TIRES SCREECH, MUSIC STOPS) Mom, we swept the tourney! We're playing in the championship against Capital City! (TIRES PEEL OUT) Mwah! How does it feel to be the assistant coach of a winning team? I'm going for a walk.
(GROANS) Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
Well, you know what they say, behind every successful man is his assistant coach.
How can a wife understand What it feels like to finally meet a man? The strongest bond a dude could ever know Whoa, whoa A guy to catch a game with A pal you don't feel lame with Life began the day I found my bro I'm just a normal boozer Stuck with this lame loser A dweeb that somehow thinks that I'm his bro Whoa, whoa His eyes are small and beady Staring, oh, so needy How I despise him he will never know So much cool stuff we can do as a pair Everything about him is annoying Dress as minstrels at the renaissance fair He smells like fish oil pills Foosball Fridays in my man cave That waitress was not into you Designing the world's best Blues Brothers fan page He wants us to co-host an Oscar party, what the hell? I hate everything about him This clingy fat-nosed jerk - I'm glad he can't - Wish he could BOTH: Hear me sing About this sweaty - Awesome - Fish oil - Awesome - I was only pretending To like that stupid dork named Oh, hi, Kirk.
(GRUNTS) (SAD SIGH) FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Springfield, the city that lives and dies by youth lacrosse, a sport we first learned about five weeks ago.
And with just two hours left until face off against Capital City, the countdown clock is ticking away.
As always, laying out all the information you need to know, this is WXPO "The Pipe.
" (CHEERING) And now the man responsible for this miracle on grass, the "Priest of the Crease," "The Riceman Cometh," Coach K! (CONFUSED NOISES) Hmm, it's not like Kirk to miss such an important pre-game rally.
Yeah, well, better get slicing on these oranges.
Where is that coach? If we lose this game, I have to give the mayor of Capital City a crate of Springfield apricots.
We grow no apricots! Kirk is missing.
I haven't seen him since he left home happily singing about his friendship with you.
(HUMMING NERVOUSLY) Dad, what do you know? What? Nothing! I don't oh, oh All right.
The truth is, your husband and your father is a soul-sucking loser who found out I was only pretending to be his friend for the sake of the team.
But, but why did he empty out our bank account, and all in one-dollar bills? Oh, no.
There's only one thing a man like Kirk wants with that many singles.
To hand out to the poor? Worse.
To bring to a strip club.
I'll go get him.
I'll also get him.
No, me! Me! I just need to go home and put on my special sweat pants.
No, it's my husband's fault that Kirk has run off to that jiggle joint and only he can get him out.
Me? But those places are filled with creeps.
Plus, all the chairs face the stage.
What if I want to have a conversation with another patron? Come on, Dad, you've got to do it! Without Coach K, we can't play in the championship! Look at the countdown clock.
ANNOUNCER: Countdown clock brought to you by Ray's Steaks: When you want to raise some stakes, head over to Ray's Steaks.
(CHANTING): Save Coach K! Save Coach K! Save Coach K! Save Coach K! Save Coach K! As your wife, I'm begging you, if you ever loved me, go to that strip club.
(CHEERING) (DOG HOWLS) (GROANS) HOMER: Oh, guys.
(TIRES SCREECH) (GROANS) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE) (ANGRY GROAN) Okay.
All I got to do is go in, get the pervert, and bring him back to a park full of children.
Hey, I'm looking for my friend.
Bald middle-aged guy, sad paunch, given up on life.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
Take your pick.
(DEPRESSED GROANING) - Oh, boy.
- Oh, man.
- (WORRIED MOAN) - WOMAN: Hello.
Uh, no, thank you.
Hey there, big guy.
No, thank you.
Happily married man with no cash coming through.
(PANTING) Made it.
Nothing in this place can tempt me.
(MOANS) Oh, baby, yes.
Those legs go on forever.
(MOANS) Where are they? Maybe we shouldn't have sent Homer Simpson into that den of sin.
(MARGE GROANS, MS.
HOOVER GASPS) My husband's a good man.
He can do this.
(CHEWING SOUNDS) Oh, worst food I've ever had.
So much Is that guy still in the champagne room? He hasn't slept in days.
He brought a cooler of rice sandwiches.
He says they give him energy.
Wait, who do I know that likes rice sandwiches? (GASPS) Bart's friend's dad! So anyway, they can't call it bourbon unless it's from Kentucky.
It's the American bourbon He's not a loser paying for lap dances; he's a loser paying for listening.
Kirk, we've got to go.
The big game is about to start.
Come on buddy? Oh, now I'm your buddy again, huh? Well, guess what, buddy.
Carmeleena and Bodacious are my true friends.
Nothing, nothing that we had was real.
Well, it was all fake.
But, damn it, somehow you turned our fat, lazy, loser kids into winners.
Kirk Van Houten, I don't like you.
But I respect you.
Respect? That's the one thing you can't buy in a place like this.
(LOUD PEELING) I've got to get to that game! Hey, that's a great realization you had there, pally.
Now if we could just settle this up, eh? $15,000? 12 lap-dances an hour, times three girls, times 56 hours, pole tax, glitter recycling fee.
It's quite a ride.
(GRUNTS) (MEN COUGHING, KIRK YELLS) Run! (NERVOUSLY GROANING) (YELLS) DJs! Uh-oh, Japanese businessmen! ATM with giant service fee! Aw, we'll never make it to the game.
Our kids were depending on us and we let them down.
You let them down.
You.
Did you say kids? We all have kids.
We'd do anything for 'em.
(BABIES COOING, NURSERY MUSIC PLAYS) Come on, working moms, let's get these dads to that game.
I'm sorry, kids, but your coaches aren't here.
You're going to have to forfeit.
And now to blow this whistle and make it official.
(GUST OF WIND, HELICOPTER BLADES SPINNING) It's the Strip-a-copter! I mean, it's a helicopter I've never rented before.
Helmet up, kids.
Let's win ourselves a championship.
Who wants orange slices? (CHEERING) ALL: Yay! No matter how bad our kids screw up the rest of their lives, they'll always have this moment.
Buddy, you deserve this.
(EXCLAIMS QUIETLY) (BONES CRACKING, HOMER AND KIRK SCREAM) Just because we're in traction doesn't mean this hospital room can't swing.
So I think about my next drink And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight (MUFFLED GROANING) Yeah! What do you mean it's last call? Hey, guys, I know all you "Crushin' It" fans are super pumped for my latest Crush video.
Sorry, no contest winner this week.
Remember, to qualify, you have to be a subscriber and leave a comment.
Now, the secret to the ultimate rice sammy is to make sure the rice is really wet, li-like soaking.
(HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) (CHEWS AND SLURPS) (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) So after going in to find it a third time, they just decided to leave the colonoscopy camera inside (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) Five words jet fuel can't melt steel.
(HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) When I held the door for that guy and he didn't even say thank you, I just lost it! (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) Oh, man, Milwaukee would've been so sweet.
The Zoom were the kings of that town! (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  Havana Wild Weekend
The Simpsons s28e07 Episode Script
Havana Wild Weekend
1 (SQUAWKING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BARNEY BELCHES) D'oh! (TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS) - Hmm.
- Hmm.
(GRUNTING) (CHUCKLES) Mm.
Hmm.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Vulture's Nest.
(WHIP CRACKING) The Vulture's Nest (AIR HISSING) where billionaire investors swoop down on your business proposals and peck out the eyes.
(LOCK CLICKING) (SQUAWKING) Uh, hello, vultures.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Okay, um Forget it.
I'm out.
Uh, vultures, almost every kid wears a retainer, and that is not cool.
But this retainer is a de-lamer.
As it turns this grill from blah - to bling.
- (GRUNTS) - Ooh.
- Oh Now that's a Milhouse I'd marry.
Kirk, when I started digging for oil, I came up dry for 12 years.
Then I had my yee-haw moment and realized I needed to drill in Texas instead of my home state of New Hampshire.
Well, I'm very interested.
I'll offer you three hours of my precious time for 90% of your company.
Too late.
95%.
We're not gonna do any better than that.
I don't know, Dad.
Of course you don't know.
You're just a kid.
I may be a kid, but this was my idea.
KIRK: Hey! You need a ride home, don't you? We've heard enough.
Thank you for the opportunity.
(LAUGHING) I love seeing people I know fail.
(LAUGHING): Do you want a beer, son? (GASPS) There's a stain.
Did that dumb dog pee on the rug? Dad, it's not fair to blame the dog.
Blame the dumb animal who's supposed to walk him: Bart.
I did walk him.
Didn't I, boy? - (GROWLING) - Chewing your leg is not a yes, I learned that in a real estate deal.
Oh, it wasn't the dog.
I went on the rug.
- What? - Huh? Grampa, is everything all right? I'm 86 years old and I'm falling apart like toast in a dishwasher.
Oh, you poor man.
Sit down here and relax.
(GROANS) Geez, Dad, you really have lost a step.
Can't you at least enjoy Shark Tank I mean, Vulture's Nest? (SCREAMING) Grampa, don't worry.
We're paying the finest nursing home in town.
They'll know what to do.
We have no idea what to do.
We specialize in keeping seniors from bothering their families, then gently releasing them just before death.
God bless, Mr.
Simpson.
I've been paying you off and on for years, and there's no way you can help? We do offer free transportation to the next stage.
(TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HOMER SIGHING WORRIEDLY) Come on, Grampa.
You're not staying on skid row.
Yeah, that's shameful, shoving poor old people out on the street.
This place is for the mentally ill.
(YELLING INCOHERENTLY) Hey! What are you Uh, get better! (CHUCKLES) Well, we're not beaten yet.
Grampa, you're a veteran of every branch of the service.
The VA hospital will help.
Aren't those hospitals the ones they called "America's shame"? A lot of things are America's shame, honey.
(CATS WAILING) (BARNEY MOANING) Mr.
Simpson? Yes? Uh, this is just the waiting room.
Oh Well, don't worry, the veteran's administration will take care of this proud warrior.
I can see him in five minutes.
(HOMER AND MARGE SIGH WITH RELIEF) 23 years from now.
(GROANING) Hey, soldier.
Are you looking for high quality health care at no cost? I know the place.
Tell it to me in an anecdote.
Years ago, I saw action in the Bay of Pigs.
Bay of Pigs, eh? (PIGS SNORTING) (CHOMPS) (PIG SQUEALING) Er, have you seen Marilyn Monroe? I'm asking, for, uh, for a friend.
Yes, a, uh Er, uh a friend.
Don't, uh, tell Ethel.
Mmm.
History.
Those Cuban doctors patched me up good, and for a lot less.
How much less? Well, what costs $2,000 here costs six bucks there.
- Hmm.
- (CUBAN MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, Cuba sounds a little dangerous.
Why don't we try Canada? I don't want to go there, now that that commie Trudeau is in charge.
We're goin' to Cuba! You got it, Dad.
Nurse, cancel our appointment.
I'm sorry, there's a fee - if you don't cancel within 24 years.
- D'oh! (HORN BLOWING, BIRD SCREECHING) D'oh! Grampa, can't you enjoy the Caribbean breeze? Not while I suspect your father's gonna toss me off'n the boat.
- Huh? Wh? - Hmm? - Ah-ah? Ah-ah? - Hmm? No.
We're not.
And we'll have fun when we get there.
We can have plantains.
They're like bananas you have to cook.
Yum.
Cooked bananas are too hard for me to chew.
D'oh! Well, don't forget Cuba's vibrant jazz scene.
Lisa, thanks for the warning.
Despite what she says, this trip will be fun.
I am finally gonna put the Spanish I learned on I Love Lucy to use.
(Ã LA RICKY RICARDO): Oh, Loo-sey, you need to see a "fee-sa-kia-trist.
" Excuse me, sir.
We are perfectly able to pronounce "psychiatrist.
" Now, please don't make me 'splain it to you again.
Come on, Rick.
The girls are dressed up like men, trying to get into the cigar store.
So you know what we do, Fred? We give them cigars.
(LAUGHING): All the cigars they want.
(LAUGHING): This will be good.
I'll never understand why a bandleader was such good friends with his landlord.
(CUBAN MUSIC PLAYS) Now, there are 12 types of visits to Cuba that are legally permitted.
- U.
S.
business - Next.
Professional research I don't know what either of those words mean.
Educational activities Those words I know and hate.
Family visit Is there a VIP entrance to this place? Religious activities (LAUGHING): God, no.
- Public performances - Never.
Mistook us for Aruba Is that that weird lettuce? Here to smuggle cigars You guys have cigars? Fell off a fishing boat Many times, not today.
Transmission of information Who wants to know? Really love Gloria Estefan Getting warmer.
And the last one is journalistic activity.
I'm a journalist.
I'm doing an article for my school paper.
Here's one of my scoops.
Hmm.
You're in.
Whoa, you can make money playing dominoes? Come on, Grampa, let's take these guys.
I don't like dominoes.
With my cataracts, everything's a six.
(GROANS) What? (SIGHS) Ooh! We could go see Mariel Hemingway's grandfather's house.
Hmm, apparently, he was a writer.
Like Mindy Kaling.
Forget it, I'm done.
Let me just take one last good look at my granddaughter so she'll remember her granddad.
(GRUNTING) And love locks it in.
Now, to just sit and wait for the end.
How could anyone be so glum in front of that sign? (SIGHS) I am so sorry.
There is, uh, nothing I can do.
All I can offer is this, uh, festive shirt.
(GROANING) I don't like the way the birds are looking at me.
Relax, viejo.
Return the shirt after he, you know (WHISTLES) (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GROANS) We took an exotic island vacation for nothing.
Oh, my God! Where have you been all these years? Now, this is a car! Razor-sharp fins.
Little triangle windows that weren't good for nothing.
And a front seat you could fit all your newborn babies on.
Would you care to go for a ride? (KEYS JINGLE) Car keys that don't go bloopity-bloop! I'm home! ("CHAN CHAN" BY BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB PLAYING) (SINGING IN SPANISH) Oh! You, my friend, just had a "Cuba-gasm.
" (TIRES SQUEAL) Dad, let me help you out.
(LAUGHING) I don't need no help! (HUMS A TUNE) A lungful of leaded gas and I'm better than ever! (CHUCKLES) Oh, thank you.
You've taken my dad back to a simpler time when our only worry was being obliterated by nuclear weapons.
It is the car.
All our American cars were built before 1960.
And studies show that exposure to objects from your youth can help you feel young again.
What studies? Are they peer reviewed? You know what they are? A professor, Ellen Langer, did a study where seniors exposed to culture from the '50s became more vigorous and engaged.
They even engaged in heavy petting.
There's heavy petting? Wow, that's the first time I've seen him get a woman's attention without flatlining.
Now, here's one that's been in our family for years.
(PLAYING THE SIMPSONS THEME) Well, that saves us going to the beach.
(HUMS A TUNE) Okay, so let me get this straight.
This paladar is a restaurant, but it's in a home? That's right.
So I don't have to do the dishes? You don't do the dishes at home.
Never discuss family business in front of the Cubans.
Homie, this place is so homey.
Look, Grampa's eating like a horse.
So, you are enjoying the horse? (GASPS) (LAUGHS): No, no, no.
You are not eating a horse.
The baby is.
(GASPS) How many bites have you had? Gracias.
Â¿CÃ³mo estÃ¡s tÃº? Bart, you're using informal Spanish with someone who's not a family member.
Ay, caramba.
Quiet, you kids.
I'm watching Castro.
All the best world leaders have beards.
Him, Santa Claus.
And every time he says "collective farming," I take a drink.
Recientemente, viajÃ© a una granja colectiva.
Gracias! (GULPING) (LAUGHS) Look at me, Jasper! I'm eating a peanut! Who's that guy? Huh? Who knows? But I'm sending him a picture of my junk.
(SHUTTER CLICKS) (LAUGHS) Ugh.
Disgusting.
300 extra pesos por la hermosa camarera.
Yo no salgo con clientes.
Another El Presidente cocktail, SeÃ±or Abraham? I don't remember telling you my name.
You did.
In fact, you were so charming, I want to hook up later.
Not for money but for nylons and chocolate.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Macarena! For me, that's a topical reference.
Why don't you let me buy this round, Abe? Wheels McGrath?! I knew you in the Air Force! I haven't seen you since you dropped that A-bomb off the forklift.
Yeah, 'member when it just kept rollin' and rollin'? (BOTH LAUGH) Oh, you're looking good, Abe.
Cuba's great.
It's like Florida before all the Cubans came.
So what happened to you? (CHUCKLES) I-I hijacked a plane here in the '70s.
Wow! Did you have the chicken or fish? I had both.
(CHUCKLES) Crazy! Listen, there's a place I want to take you.
What do you say? For old times' sake? Yeah, why not? Keep my tab open, Issabella.
I hope I see you again, Abelito.
You will.
I never go anyplace new.
So, you just sign the papers and she's committed, huh? That's right.
(CHUCKLES) That'll zap the sass out of her.
Yes.
Yes! The future of Angola is the future of Cuba! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ON TV) - (BIRDS SINGING) - Are you sure we had to take this route? Hey, I like hacking.
Are you ready for the surprise of your life? Can you give it to me in stages? - (GASPS) - There she is, the most hijacked plane in history.
All you had to say was your kid wanted a pair of wings, and you were in the cockpit.
I remember their motto, Skyhawk Air: Nobody try to be a hero.
It's all ready to open as a nightclub, Abe.
All we have to do is clean it up and hack a 50-foot-wide path to civilization.
Couldn't we just burn a path? No, I'll do the hacking.
I'll do that.
All I need is a front man and a partner.
You expect me to give you the money I was gonna leave to Homer? Okay, I'm in! Aah! WHEELS: We'll fix that.
See? Fixed.
(CLINK) (SLURPING) (GASPS) It's about time! We leave at 2:00! You leave at 2:00.
I'm staying here.
Dad, you can't stay in Cuba.
For the first time in years, I feel young and healthy.
And I found love! Don't you want those things for me? But I can't even leave you in the park without you losing your wallet in a bush.
It was an investment! So you want to stay and be with your Cuban chica? She makes me weak in the knees! You're always weak in the knees.
That's because I had to sell my cartilage in the '70s, and that cartilage became part of Hank Aaron's wrist.
Dad, you're happy now because the new thing is always exciting.
Remember when you got that new pillow? Oh, that was a mighty fine pillow.
Hypoallergenic.
Oh, what kind of father would you be if you left me now? Son, all you see in me is a burden! Think of me every time you don't visit someone! (LIVELY CUBAN MUSIC PLAYING) AquÃ­ pensaban seguir Ganando el ciento por ciento Con casar de apartamento Y echar al pueblo a sufrir Y seguir de modo cruel Contra el pueblo conspirando Para seguirlo explotando Y en eso llegÃ³ Fidel.
Who knew you can have fun in coach?! (CHUCKLES) I'd like to speak to your black ops department.
Right downstairs, Mr.
Simpson.
Thank you.
Hmm.
How did they know my name? (WHIRRING) (WHISTLING A TUNE) I don't know where my dad is.
Don't worry Each AARP card contains a secret tracking chip.
(LAUGHS): The magazine is pretty good, too.
- Super easy Sudoku.
- Quiet! This could take a while.
Bam! Got 'em! Now you have to do a favor for us.
How many baseball players can you sneak home with you? Well I have to ask my wife, but I'd say 12.
Bam! Done! Andre here sold secrets to the Soviets.
And this is the guy who came up with the service fee for Ticketmaster.
(GRUNTS) Do you know any good people? Everyone's got their embarrassments, Abe.
I'm sure you got yours.
HOMER: Dad! And up he walks.
What are you doing here? Who are these people? This guy was the biggest drug lord in North American history.
And this guy invented Ticketmaster.
You charged me to sell me something! Pleased to meet you, sir.
(WHISPERS): Abe, come with me to the cockpit.
Are we gonna fly or make love? You will sit there, move nothing, and do as I say.
Hot dog! Makin' love! (GRUNTS) (AMERICAN ACCENT): Miami, this is Jitterbug Justice bringing back an early bird special.
Miami, do you copy? MAN (OVER RADIO): Uh, we copy.
The nightclub is flying away.
Can't we hold on to anything? GRAMPA: Boy, I didn't think I'd ever be able to do this again! All you have done is fly without falling asleep.
Just like on my honeymoon.
I'm starting to suspect you're not a simple Cuban bartender.
No, I'm an undercover agent for the CIA here to recapture fugitives from U.
S.
law.
And when I saw you, I realized you'd be the perfect carcass to tempt these old buzzards.
(SPUTTERING, STAMMERING) Is there anything I get out of this? Yes.
You avoid the knockout gas.
Aw.
(GAS HISSING) Oh, thank God.
Usually I can never sleep on planes.
Sometimes I (WEAK GROANING) (THUMP) (LOUD BUZZING) (FLAMINGOS HONKING) So, that's the end of my Cuban paradise.
And like every good thing in my life, I've already forgotten it.
Listen, Dad, I know it was fun, but your place is with us, not on some island in the Indian Ocean.
I love you.
(BOTH SOBBING) Oh, now we're two men hugging.
This is no sight for the streets of Miami.
(BOTH SOBBING) Hey, Dad.
It's a beautiful day.
Want to hit the links? Oh, just like we used to.
(HORN BLOWS) (LAUGHTER) Screw you! (HORN BLOWS) (HORN BLOWS) Look over there.
I just painted a black circle on the green.
MAN: Why, you little! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (GRUNTING): Hey! Now, boy, it's 50 cents a golf ball from that water hazard.
Just move those logs aside.
TV ANNOUNCER: Next on Vulture's Nest We all know TV dinners, but what about toilet breakfasts? Here's my offer no money, and I get a hundred percent of the company because there's no doubt you developed this idea on my time.
And there's more! Not now.
I'm on my way to Cuba That's where I'm going Cuba That's where I'll stay Cuba Where wine is flowing And where dark-eyed Stellas Light their fella's panetellas Cuba, where all is gay Why don't you plan a Wonderful trip to Havana? Hop on a ship and I'll see you In C-U-B-A
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  Dad Behavior
The Simpsons s28e08 Episode Script
Dad Behavior
1 (MEN SCREAMING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (GRUNTS) Hey! (THEME MUSIC STOPS) (THEME MUSIC RESUMES) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (YELLS) - (CHOKING) - (THEME MUSIC STOPS) - (BODY THUDS) - (THEME MUSIC RESUMES) (PLAYING THE BLUES) - (BLOWS WRONG NOTE, GRUNTS) - (THEME MUSIC STOPS) - (THEME SONGS RESUMES) - (TIRES SCREECH) (MARGE SCREAMS) (CHICKEN CLUCKING) (THEME MUSIC STOPS) Hello? Hello? Oh, finally, I get the remote.
Hmm.
Hmm? Homer, are you ever planning on putting this stuff together? Sure, right after I watch this DVD.
(CLICKS TONGUE, GROANS) Just what are you watching that's so important? Outstanding College Mascot Fights? S.
E.
C.
edition.
(MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYS) (BLOWS LANDING) The top-heavy mascots always lose.
Unless they're fighting something with no arms.
See? The Stanford Tree is no match for the Tulane Green Wave.
(GASPS) There's people inside.
Marge, do you see? (GASPS) Maggie! That's it, mister.
You're putting everything together today.
Marjorie, isn't it a little sexist to expect me to do all the carpentry? Or you can take Bart to the mall to get fitted for (POWER DRILL RUNNING) Sorry, the drill is too loud! I can't hear the options! (GROANS) (GRUNTING SOFTLY) (PHONETICALLY): "Vous avez 'termine'"? "Vous avez 'termine'"? "Du ar klar"? "Du bist fertig"? "You are 'fini-shed'"? Oh, I am finished! Whoo-hoo! (GRUNTING) D'oh! I'm trapped.
(WORRIED GRUNTING) (HIGH-PITCHED): Here, boy.
Come here.
Who's a good Allen wrench? You's a good Allen wrench.
Come here.
(SUCKING IN) Come on.
(CHOKING) (LOUD COUGH) Huh? That isn't the same Allen wrench I swallowed.
(GRUNTING ANGRILY) (LINE RINGS) Hey, Barney, how's it going? Fine.
How are you? I need help.
Can you come right over? Homer, you should use the Choremonkey app.
People do all your chores, so you're free to follow your dreams.
My dream right now is beer and toilet paper.
Mr.
Gumble, because I'm a decent person, this is the last beer I'm going to bring you.
I'll just use Uburp.
(BELCH SOUND) (CAT YOWLING) Stop eating me, I'm not dead yet! (CAT YOWLING LOUDLY) Choremonkey to the rescue.
Oh! Oh, thank you.
I think this is the beginning of an unhealthy dependence.
Aw.
(STEELY DAN'S "DIRTY WORK" PLAYING) HOMER: I'm a fool to do my dirty work Oh, yeah I can hire all these nerdy jerks For free (MUSIC FADES OUT) I ain't gonna do my dirty work No more Gonna leave my socks and dirty shirt On the floor.
Homie, I don't like that the house is full of strangers all the time.
And I wait, wait, why are you taking out your phone? (GASPS) No.
Don't you Choremonkey me! Sweetie, you know I'm no good at arguments, so I brought in a professional.
Hello, ma'am, my name's Blake, and I'm a retired FBI hostage negotiator.
I wouldn't say this is a hostage situation.
Mm, no one said it was, ma'am.
I'm just here to listen.
So that was step one: listening.
Next, empathy.
I'm standing right here, you know.
Mm, it must be frustrating for you to hear me talk like you're invisible.
It is.
It is.
Step Three: I build a rapport.
You know, I love the color scheme in your home.
I feel like you're saying that just to build a rapport with me.
Wow, that's very observant.
Very wise.
Oh, well, thank you.
(SOFTLY): Nice.
This ain't my first rodeo.
Marge, right now I bet you wish you were just back home in your kitchen.
I am back home in my kitchen! Then life is good.
Am I right? Mm-hmm.
You are.
While I'm here, could I also fix your icemaker? Yes.
Oh, yes.
Blake, I adore you.
Shh.
It's over now.
Go get some rest.
Hmm.
Homer, can we throw the ball around? Oh, um By "we," I mean me and your chore monkey.
(CHUCKLING): Oh, of course! Sure, buddy.
For you I'll get one without a criminal record.
Which means I'll have to use Choremonkey Gold.
(CASH REGISTER DINGS) Good one, Bart.
(GRUNTS) Wait, are you Heisman Trophy-winner Matt Leinart? Yep, I am.
And you need this job? Yeah, I haven't really been smart with my money after football.
(AIR HISSES) But what about your broadcasting work? Uh, sunk it all into my Thai-Irish fusion restaurant, Shamrock Spice.
(BACKUP SENSOR BEEPING) On the plus side, he taught me how to throw a perfect spiral.
(GRUNTS) Yes! Frozen rope, kiddo! Aw, love you, man.
Ah, I love you.
Maybe I should play a little catch with my son now.
Whatever, Hoss, let's see what you got.
(GRUNTS) FLANDERS: My zinnias! (SCOFFS) Annuals.
Wait, please, just let me try again.
(GROANS) (COUGHS) Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of Matt Leinart.
- But - Wow.
You made that for me? No, it used to be O.
J.
's.
Yeah, Little Juice.
(GROANS) Oh, stupid Choremonkey.
Another thing I overdo bites me in the butt.
(LEINART AND BART GRUNTING) (HOMER MOANING AND WHINING) HOMER: Uh-oh.
You're late.
There's no specified time, sir.
And you did receive progress alerts.
Whatever, fine.
Just throw the damn ball.
- So, how was your day? - Pretty good.
I've thrown various balls with six different middle-aged men.
All right, stop talking, you're ruining it.
- (GRUNTS) - Nice pass, sir.
For someone your age.
Ju This isn't fun at all.
- I'm done.
- Fine.
You know the monkeys also rate the customers.
Now everyone will know what kind of man you are.
Good-bye, Tyler.
Jerk.
"Jerk.
" Bart used to call me that.
(SOBBING) Be careful, Dad.
Being careful is not going to get us on America's Funniest Home Videos.
Now, when I nod, you pull the bottom brick out and the wall falls on me.
Then call Vin Di Bona Productions, then an ambulance.
Wait.
Won't they know this video is fake? Why would I be filming you making a wall? Why didn't you bring these things up at the production meeting? Well, it's too late now! Oh, great! Dad, can I get you one of my children's Xanax? What I need is that $10,000 prize.
Not $5,000.
I already spent that on bricks.
Now pull that rope.
If I pull the rope and it kills you, I'll need a lot of therapy.
I'm not gonna die, son.
Uh, but if I do, can you play "Nobody Does It Better" at my funeral on the recorder? I can't be a part of this.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Luann, help! I'm in a hurry.
Well, at least I got it on video.
Delete.
(GROANING): Ah, come on.
Haw-haw! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Dad, it's me.
What are you doing here? It's not pudding day.
(SIGHING): My son doesn't want to be with me anymore.
So you realize that's how you've treated me all these years and you've come to apologize.
Look, Dad, I would visit more if I hadn't put you in such a depressing place.
Whatever.
I've got a real problem here.
I'm gonna be a father again! My girlfriend's pregnant.
(GASPS) That's insane! I leave you alone for six months and this is what happens? How did you even meet her? Oh, this home just got the Internet and everyone's using senior dating sites.
Gray Date, Friends with Social Security Benefits.
Everyone's making whoopee and hanky-panky.
A few are even having sex.
(WHINES) WOMAN: You can't leave me.
We started a puzzle together.
My heart's bleeding.
Seriously.
Please call 911.
Abraham Simpson.
Are you skipping town on me? No, no.
I like you.
It's the baby I'm skipping town on.
You don't want our baby? Before you judge me, look where my DNA leads.
I'm fine.
(GRUNTING) Hmm.
I think he's sweet.
Would he like to play with my keys? I am a normal person, and yes.
All right, I'll man up.
But remember, men of my generation don't change a diaper, attend a birth, or talk to the child before he's drafted.
I couldn't ask for more.
(RATTLING) I thought you just rolled.
Those were my knees.
(RATTLING) Rent six dollars?! You can't even buy a Monopoly set for that.
(CHUCKLES) Great commentary, Bart.
Love you, man.
I love you.
Hi, I'm Matt.
Milhouse.
I'm Bart's best friend.
Aw, sounds like someone wants an autograph.
I do.
Who are you? I misspelled my name.
But that makes it worth more.
Come on, Leinart, get your head in the game.
Bart, I got a straight up swap.
How 'bout I give you Boardwalk and Park Place, and you give me Ventnor? That's crazy talk.
Oh, yeah? What "History of Board Games" class did you take when you were in college? My friend, you have a deal.
You got Chance.
"Take a walk on the Boardwalk," which I now own, and you're bankrupt and I win.
Wow, you beat me at every game, even Heisman Trophy Trivial Pursuit.
Oh! Can I play Bart next? I carry my own little top hat with me.
Oh.
Is this guy bothering you, Bart? I'll make sure he finds the door.
(GASPS) Could you throw me out in a perfect spiral? I can walk you out in a straight line.
Wow! No one's gonna believe that at school.
(CACKLES) Huh? "Always let him win"? "Don't let him see this sheet"? He called me the greatest receiver he'd ever thrown to.
Was that a lie, too? Get out there.
Hey, Mr.
Simpson.
Hey, Milk Dud.
Uh, listen, I got to go change the oil in my car.
Don't you want to get a Choremonkey? They cut me off.
I never dreamed when I gave 'em my credit card number that they would charge me.
You could help me out if you want.
I have an old shirt you could wear.
An old shirt! Wow! My dad doesn't have any of those.
Wow.
Anyone ever tell you that you're excellent at gluing? Um, no.
And your rubber cement boogers were very convincing.
Look, I know you're doing this because you have to.
How would you like it if the other team had just let you win all the time? That would have been really great.
(PHONE BUZZES) Listen, I have another Choremonkey job.
I'll see you around.
(GRUNTS) (SHOUTING) (GRUNTS) Huh? Huh.
Hmm.
Wait, I don't think a bouncer throws people into a bar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just bounce, all right? I'll tell you which way.
LEINART: Get in there.
(SPUTTERS) Ralph.
Yay! I'm a touchdown.
(MILHOUSE LAUGHS) Boop! (LAUGHS) Look who's a greasy guy! (LAUGHS) Now you're greasy, too! (LAUGHS) - Look at you.
- (LAUGHS) Bloop, bloop.
Well, hello, Tony Stark.
We've never had fun like that in my whole life.
Oh, look! The engine block pizza is almost done.
(SIZZLING) (GASPS) Engine block pizza? Car food is our thing.
Careful you don't burn your mouth.
Oh.
He never warns me.
ANNOUNCER: Vijay Singh has chosen a seven iron for his approach here at the fifth on St Andrews.
(SIREN WAILS) BART: My zombies have got you now.
- (CACKLES) - Mm.
What's the matter? Aren't you into the game? Uh, yeah, yeah.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ONSCREEN) - (GROANING) - (WHIRRING) Good luck with that zombie Bing Crosby! B-B-Brains.
(SHOUTING) Eh, I won.
Whoo-hoo.
Huh? Didn't seem like you were too excited when you sliced me in half.
It's just hard when you think you're gonna be slicing the same boy in half all your life.
Uh-huh Well, I guess I'd better get to work.
On a Friday? (HUMMING) Why are you wearing a fishing hat? (GASPS) Are you going fishing without me? (WHIMPERS) What is happening with us? If you've got something to say, just say it.
Unless it's boring.
Is there someone else? Oh! Spare me your melodramata! (HUFFING) (TIRES SCREECH) Marge, I can't have a baby.
Coordinating our sleep schedules will be a nightmare.
Plus, the only good relationship I ever had was with my hat.
Then the wind blew it away.
You didn't have a good relationship with your father? Hmm.
(INSTRUMENTAL OF "TURKEY IN THE STRAW" PLAYS) Come here, sweet pea, give me a burp.
Youse can do it.
- (CHORTLING) - (BURPS) Aah! Youse got milk on me! I'll murdalize ya! (GRUNTS) (SIZZLES) Oh that was before throwin' your baby into the sun was considered child abuse.
So you see, Simpson men just don't Wait a minute! (BOTH LAUGHING) Now yank the hook out and throw him back because we're humane.
(GROWLING) I've never seen Homer and Bart so close.
Maybe I can finally be a good dad! That's not Bart.
Don't ruin my epiphany! - (SIZZLING) - Hey, Mr.
Van Houten.
- Oh, hey, Bart.
Milhouse isn't here.
- I know.
And I don't care.
Are you making envelope soup? Envelope soup? (CHUCKLES) That'd be silly.
No, I'm stamp mining.
You steam off the stamp, color in the postmark, and you just made half a dollar.
Almost.
Want to try? Careful! That's a forever stamp! Could be worth a fortune some day.
Well done.
And look at me.
I'm hangin' out with Bart Simpson.
That's so cool.
I can't wait till Wendell sees us hangin' out.
Oh, hey.
Oh, I built it up too much.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) What do you do with a drunken Homer? Make him watch "Hunt for Red October" Let him drive in a lunar rover Tickle his nose with a Oh, hi, Marge.
Homer, why were you fishing with Milhouse? Because for once, I'm with a kid who respects me.
One who doesn't call me "Homer.
" I didn't know that bothered you.
It does.
A lot.
Oh, Homer.
Feels good when you say it.
Homer.
Ah Honey, maybe you should talk to Bart.
He's just behind that wall.
BART: Yeah, Homer! Get your fat ass over here! You see? You see?! It's not bad enough he calls me "Homer.
" He calls my buttocks "ass.
" Hmm.
He probably learned that at school.
You bet your ass he did.
Maybe you and Lisa can talk to him.
Lisa and I aren't speaking right now.
I can't believe you threw away my Utne Readers! MARGE: Oh, is that how you pronounce it? Aah! (BIRDS SINGING) For most of my child's life, I'll be gone.
When you're cremated, you feel it! Warn everyone! Aah.
Oh, Abe, hi.
I-I was about to call you.
I had an ultrasound today.
But Does this mean? Yup, I'm the father.
And I thought she was just using me for a beard.
(GASPS) I'm so sorry, Abe.
(SIGHS): Well, I just want to say Yes! I can't raise my left arm, much less a child! Yippee! Not having kids keeps you young! Oh, I knew you'd come back! (CLEARS THROAT) - Kirk.
- Homer.
- Dad.
- Fat Ass.
That is not my name! Mm, mm, mm! Let's roll.
Can't let 'em catch us.
I can't take the pressure! (GASPS) (TIRES SCREECH) Son, I'm so sorry! I'm getting rid of this stupid stop sign before it hurts somebody else! (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECHING, HORNS HONKING) I'm sorry, too, Dad.
(GASPS) You called me Dad! There's a first time for everything.
Also, a last.
Milhouse, I'd be lying if I said riding in a go-cart with Bart Simpson wasn't the highlight of my life, but you're my son and I love you.
I love you, too, Dad.
You're my favorite guy that Mom's brought home.
Aw Last one home is a rotten father! Those aren't yours to keep! They take them out of our pay! HOMER: We'll bring them back when we get tired of them! Oh, that never happens.
But, Chief, I I don't think those vehicles are certified for highway use.
Yeah, well, I don't think you're certified to understand the relationship between a father and son, Lou.
Yeah, well, I have a son He lives in Baltimore.
What do you want, a parade, Lou? Listen, Maggie Can I call you Maggie? Is there a way I can get you to put that pacifier down? (CHUCKLES): Oh, don't worry.
I'll be here as long as it takes.
You know, if you cooperate, I can talk to your mother about a reduced time out.
Look, you wanted a helicopter, I got you a helicopter.
Okay, I've got your nose, and if you want to see your nose again, you'll give me that pacifier! ANNOUNCER: Swing and a miss! Strike two.
Sanchez batting .
269.
Fun fact: His father was one of those soccer players who ate his teammate after a plane crashed in the Andes.
Look at him bite at the high fastball.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  The Last Traction Hero
The Simpsons s28e09 Episode Script
The Last Traction Hero
1 (beatboxing) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ALL: Huh? D'oh! (Homer groans) No parking spots? Lousy butt-kissers, coming in before noon, eating donuts that are rightfully mine.
Oh, oh, oh! D'oh! Stupid Smart Car.
(tires screech) D'oh! Spot-hogging S.
U.
V.
(tires screech) D'oh! Inconvenient sinkhole.
(tires screech) D'oh! Mandatory credit.
(tires screech) D'oh! "Developed by"? What does that even mean? (gasps) It's empty! Homer, no! That's Burns' spot.
How could you miss that sign? Oof.
The last guy that parked there is now a (quietly): speed bump.
(muffled): Slow down! Guys, be cool.
Burns'll never know.
He's on vacation this week with his weirdo hunting buddies.
Fellow members of the Order of the Knights of Saint Caucasian, we've got a lot of things to kill today, so release the sedated quail.
(gun clicks) How am I supposed to hunt it if it can move? Try it now, Davy Crockett! Damn you, surface tension Wait a minute.
If I can park in Mr.
Burns' space, I can live his whole life! Quickly now, before I think it through! (chuckling) Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are Mr.
Big Stuff You're never gonna get my love Now because you wear all those fancy clothes - Oh, yeah - And have a big fine car Oh, yes you do now Do you think I can afford (German accent): Come on along, and sing our Tiki song.
(Latino accent): And everyone will take their turns.
(Jamaican accent): To celebrate a man who's great.
The wiki-wakka liki- lakka magic Mr.
Burns! The wiki-wakka liki-lakka Mr.
Burns The wiki-wakka liki-lakka Mr.
Burns The wiki-wakka liki-lakka Mr.
Burns The wiki-wakka liki-lakka Mr.
Burns Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff You're never gonna get my love (quietly): Simpson lines up his hitty stick and gets ready to clobber the dimpled round-o.
He's calling the signals.
(yelling): Omaha! 35! Hut! Hut! Simpson! (shrieks) Incoming! (yelling): There's a lightbulb out on level P-2! Oh, good lord.
The trapdoor is under renovation.
It's not safe! (air rushing past) (grunting) Mm-hmm.
HOMER: Mosaic! (screaming) Congratulations.
You're halfway down.
(electric crackle) What the? (screaming) Ow! I'm drowning in cement! - Uh, it's actually concrete.
- Woo hoo! Of which cement is an ingredient.
(yells): No! (rhythmic yelling) (moans) - (Marge humming) - Hmm? MARGE: Perfect.
(chuckles) Marge, you've thought of everything.
Except for one nagging detail.
Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a big cast? It was the Shelbyville Players production of Pippin.
- Don't worry, Homie.
- GRAMPA: I went from player to ticket taker in one performance! There's two ways of (seagulls chirping and tide rolling) You are in my seat.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Asthma, glasses, asthma! (grunts) (cheering, yelling) Oh.
There's too much violence in rearview mirrors these days.
HOMER: Hey, boy, want to sign your old man's cast? No problemo.
(marker squeaking) What does it say? Don't worry about it.
What did you write? Sorry.
That's between me and everyone who sees it.
- HOMER: I need to know! - Hmm.
Begins with F and ends in C-K.
Why you little! (grunting, groaning) (chuckles) HOMER: Tell me! Never! (grunting) (moans) (quickly): D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Woo hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Woo hoo! D'oh! D'oh! (slowing down): D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh Woo hoo! MARGE: Thanks, partner.
We've balled up all the 13 gauge alpaca.
Now maybe there's something fun we can do? Sure is.
A puzzle.
"Foggy Day in Berlin.
" 5,000 pieces.
Hmm (German accent): Homer, complete the puzzle! I'm a married man! Fine.
If you need me, I'll be in your schpankenbank.
FEMALE SINGER: We'll meet again Marge, I don't think we should do this puzzle.
I know.
You can't pick up the pieces.
That's why I've devised a grid system.
Huh? I'll hold up a piece, and you call out the number and letter of the corresponding grid square.
Uh I don't know.
Q 15? Sweetie, it's a side piece.
Q 15's in the middle.
Right.
Q 15 is in the middle.
Nothing more fun than rules.
I'll make some tea to help you think.
Oh, I hate being immobile and numb.
If only I was free to move.
(moans) If only.
(excited chatter) It's never pleasant to see this kind of activity, Lisa.
Particularly on a cell phone that is so much nicer than the one I own.
All the fighting seems to start with who sits where on the bus.
Um, Lisa.
You seem to have a handle on the bus problem.
Why don't you tackle it? But don't think I won't help.
I'm providing you with a sash.
Skinner! You are asking a six-year-old girl to fix this school's problems.
I'm eight.
Oh, carry on.
What do you mean, there's a legal issue with my trapdoor? And, uh, as you explain, please take two steps back.
The old trapdoor was perfectly legal.
It was grandfathered in under the Reagan-era code.
But once you start renovating it, it has to brought up to modern standards.
Mm.
And it has to be handicap accessible.
A wheelchair would never fall through the current opening.
(chuckling): Oh! But that's not a problem! I refuse to hire the handicapped.
That's another issue.
But for now, we have left ourselves open to a lawsuit by Homer Simpson.
Fine.
Smithers, go see this Simpson character and trick him into signing a waiver of liability.
I'll discuss things with the foreman.
(yelling): Enrique, mas grande la puerta! (Homer moans) Look, Homie! We got three pieces together.
That's a good day's work! Why don't we do one of Maggie's puzzles? Cow goes in the cow-shaped hole, boom.
Next case.
Hmm, I thought the one good thing about you hurting yourself was that we could spend more time together.
You did? Didn't you? Oh yeah, sure, of course.
Only a fool would admit otherwise.
Mm.
(doorbell rings) (sighs) (sighs) Mr.
Smithers! Come in, come in.
(chuckling): Oh! Well, there's our tangle-foot! Already on the mend.
Yeah, right.
They say it'll be three months before I can scratch my ass.
Six before I can really go at it.
Listen, I-I don't want to take up your time.
I just need Homer's signature on a couple of things.
First, a get well card to himself.
And what else does he need to sign? Oh, a (coughing) waiver of liability.
I know, I know.
There are solid reasons to sue.
But do you really want to fill your life with parasitic attorneys with get-rich-quick schemes? Schemes? Rich? Quick? Parasitic? Woo hoo! How could I have forgotten to sue Mr.
Burns? That's how you get rich in America.
Sue S.
A! Sue S.
A! Oh, Lord.
Finally, a chance to use this.
It was designed ironically, but I would die for it.
Are you home during the day because you were injured at work, school, museum, church, Iraq, elevator plummet, uneven sidewalk, hit by foul ball, hit by fair ball, or Iditarod viewing party? The first one! The first one you said! Call me, Maxwell Flinch, at 555-555-5555.
Five, five, five Wait, what was the number after the first three fives, but before the last six fives? Uh, Simpson, before you do anything rash, Mr.
Burns wanted you to enjoy this get-well cake.
- What's that writing on top? - Oh! It's just, uh, strawberry boilerplate absolving us of liability.
Now just bite here, here, here, nibble here, lick here Uh, your wife needs to eat this cupcake Sir, you cannot bribe me with cake.
Because I just ate several pies.
Hello, Mr.
Smithers.
I see you haven't given up.
(sighing) Just enjoy the cake.
As long as you don't eat it in front of a notary public, you're fine.
I'm a notary public.
You gave your ink pad to Maggie.
- (moans) - I'll, um, I'll walk out with you.
Don't go yet.
You guys can help me brainstorm a pattern for my new quilt.
Marge, I mean this in the nicest way: your idea of fun makes me want to blow my brains out.
(murmurs disappointedly) Oh, Razzmatazz is perfect, Marge.
It's-it's uh-- it's red, but not, uh, too red.
You're right! Why don't you stick around and we'll discuss stitching patterns over tea? I'd like that.
And I'll take the cake back to the home and share it with the seniors.
Typical.
I'll keep Dad company.
Thank you, Bart.
GRAMPA (moaning): Oh, I dropped it.
Hey, wha-what did you put down my back? Could be a tarantula, could just be some yarn.
I'll be at Milhouse's.
(whining fearfully) (sighing) What the hell? Oh, it's such a pleasure to pour tea for someone and not have to help him chew it.
We've made our choices.
And the world doesn't understand them, but we do.
Oh! Ew Oh Aw You know Marge, somehow I feel that more than anyone, you understand those horrible words, "What do you see in him?" I never said this, but did you ever think we cling to these guys because we're afraid to admit we were wrong? Do you really think that? Well, I've tried to use it constructively.
I try to have "the serenity "to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.
" HOMER: That's what they said to me at that Alcoholics Unanimous meeting! (groans) LISA: Attention, bus riders! My new seating plan avoids conflict through the use of complex social algorithms.
It teams up compatible seatmates and places Milhouse with no one.
Yet somehow, I'm still a little scared.
Otto, why are you sitting in back? Waiting for my assignment, chief.
The driver's seat.
You're the driver.
Still me? (scoffs) New management, same mistakes.
It's so quiet.
I've never been able to hear my music before.
(rock music plays over headphones) Ooh, it sucks.
LISA: This is just the beginning.
Soon I'll have control over every aspect of their lives.
And then I'll make them achieve their un-dreamt dreams.
Sherri next to Terri.
Jimbo next to Dolph.
No one next to Milhouse.
Ralph next to his invisible friend.
Kearney next to Nelson.
Martin next to Wendell.
Cosine next to Database.
(gasps) My first PG-13 fantasy.
Since we haven't been able to get a settlement, we'll have to start preparing you for your deposition.
Caroline here will stand in for the opposing attorney.
Good afternoon, Mr.
Burns.
Release the hounds.
Uh, sir, you should try to project a friendlier demeanor.
Release the hounds.
Please.
Seriously, sir, it would really be wise not to mention the hounds.
Oh, that's like telling Three-Finger Brown he can't play for the Brooklyn Tip-Tops.
(groans) MARGE: Waylon, now I can see why so many women in movies have gay friends.
Like Princess Leia and C-3PO.
Listen, I made this for you.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
No one ever gives me a gift.
Thank you.
No one ever tells me thank you.
I think you see my true self.
The one I never pay attention to at all.
Oh, my God.
I want to kiss him.
SMITHERS: Oh, my God.
She wants to kiss me.
- MARGE: I'm a married woman.
- SMITHERS: She would look good with a mustache.
(phone vibrates) Uh, I've got to go.
Thank God I've got a husband with benefits.
Come here, you.
Okay, but (exclaims) Mmm Smithers.
HOMER: Wait a sec.
Marge is getting her emotional needs fulfilled by another man, and now she needs me for nothing but sex.
I'm the luckiest husband in the world! You haven't gotten that stupid signature yet? No.
And I'm not sure I want to.
You defy me? Smithers, pour me a glass of water.
Now squeeze my chest.
(coughs) Now, either get that signature or you're in charge of restarting our plant at Chernobyl.
That was us? That doesn't leave this room.
Well brother, prepare to enjoy another day of calm, peaceful behavior on the school bus.
I got to warn you, a lot of kids are pretty unhappy with the required seating.
(chuckles) Well, they'll be happy when I also organize cafeteria seating, who's picked for teams, and I've divided the playground into swingers and pushers.
That's insane.
You just bought yourself a year of pushing.
LISA: Order.
Order.
Maintain order.
Tunnel.
Whee! This message couldn't be clearer.
The children need more sauce on their spaghetti.
Also, their spelling is atrocious.
(tires screech) Well, at least I have me photos.
(screams) (laughter) I thought I had made things better.
Lisa, the bus is supposed to be crazy.
It's the brief respite between the twin nightmares of home and school.
The one thing a know-it-all doesn't know is that everyone hates a know-it-all.
Did we, uh, lose anyone? Just the police chief's son.
(beeping) I bit a rat.
(clears throat) Marge, this is the last time I'm coming by.
Oh.
Well, that's fine.
I mean, I do have my knitting to get to.
Mm-hmm! I'm going to a living hell followed by a certain death.
Here's a picture to remember me by.
Taken by my grandma from her deathbed.
(sniffles) The last thing she saw.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What's wrong, honey? Oh, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.
I appreciate that, and I'd like to talk.
I'm just so drained after all the time I spend with the kids.
BART: What time? I took you to that colonial village.
That was a pub at the airport.
I had an ale.
You sat on a barrel.
That makes it colonial.
Homer, I'm sorry, you have to understand.
Without Waylon to talk to, I feel completely alone.
I totally get it.
One question: who's Waylon? Smithers.
Totally get it.
Oh, my wife really needs something and to get it I may have to forego my settlement.
Homer, you fell down a trapdoor into a cement mixer.
Don't you think I deserve something for that? I'm just trying to do what's right.
Then why did you file a lawsuit? I really think you should change the venue, sir.
You can't win a case in this town.
Oh, are they still mad about me eating the town panda? Get over it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm willing to sign anything you want on one condition.
Fine.
What's your condition? You have to keep Mr.
Smithers here.
I see.
And are you fool enough to believe a man's handshake means anything? I am.
Well, put 'er there.
Homer, no! Why doesn't anyone ever think of the lawyer? Aw, if I do a slip 'n' fall on the courthouse steps, would that help? (sniffs) It might.
See you Thursday.
And I'll see you Thursday night.
Oh.
(chuckles) And I'll see you early Friday morning.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, these slippery stairs.
(exclaiming) (gasps) Homie! Marge, no! (honks) Marge, I know Smithers was good at talking to you.
And I want to talk to you too.
Oh.
Just don't expect me to be great at first.
Oh, honey, no one's great their first time.
It's like baking.
Uh, okay, well, uh I like you.
And I adore you.
You sacrificed yourself for my happiness.
There is nothing that makes a woman feel more cherished and secure.
Thank you, my darling.
(whispers): Marge, this is going great.
GRAMPA: Now don't you worry, I made you both soup.
Ooh-hoo, it's pipin' hot.
Two hours in the microwave.
(exclaims) Who knows what the "D.
C.
" stands for in Washington, D.
C.
? Anyone? Anyone? Mustn't be a know-it-all.
Never again.
Not worth it.
D.
C.
Anyone? Daddy's kitchen? (grumbles) Not quite.
Anyone else? No? Okay.
Children, "D.
C.
" stands for "District of the Capitol.
" No it doesn't! The answer is "District of Columbia.
" And Miss Hoover, I don't want to be a smarty pants, but the previous answer was Texas.
Before that, 1848.
Before that, Seward's Folly.
And your dentist appointment is not tomorrow, it's the day after.
Thank you.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 28  >  The Nightmare After Krustmas
The Simpsons s28e10 Episode Script
The Nightmare After Krustmas
1 ("HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) (DOGS BARKING, SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING) (GRUNTS) - (MUSIC STOPS) - Smithers, release the Christmas hounds.
(BARKING) (SCREAMING) (GROWLING, BARKING) ("HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" RESUMES PLAYING) SINGERS: All is not well, on this noel It's looking grim for Reverend Tim HELEN: This should be his very busy season SIDESHOW MEL: No one's coming, tell me what's the reason SINGERS: What will he do, pull up a pew (SNORING) (SINGING QUIETS): As we bid adieu, look for Disco Stu.
Usually, the Fourth Sunday of Advent is packed.
I hope the reverend isn't losing his touch.
Comparing the Three Wise Men to the Beastie Boys seemed more desperate than hip.
I'm serious.
(GROANS) Even Milhouse could've made that.
What is it, Helen? Uh, well, Tim, just thought you should know, a very special fan club is waiting to talk to you.
Mm! A semi-circle? What gives? LOVEJOY: Ned? Agnes? Mel? The Parson? That's right, your boss.
And I'd like to introduce you to my boss, the Patriarch.
Actually, Parson, we all have the same boss.
The Metropolitan.
And it is his will that we come together here for a divine intervention.
Look, since when is it a crime to mix Pinot Noir and Vicodin? Oh, we don't care if you wreck your liver with Sancerre and acetaminophen.
You can pop pain pills like cran-raisins for all we care.
We're here 'cause you're not packing the p-p-p-pews.
The church is emptier than a syrup bottle after a pancake breakfast.
Oh, people have reasons to miss mass.
There's flu going around, the new Jeeps are in at the dealership.
Lot of new features, the big screen up front, where It's not just attendance, Reverend.
It's that sometimes when you speak, my mind wanders, to, uh, non-religious areas.
(METALLIC CREAKING) Timothy, admit it.
You're in a slump.
How many souls have you personally converted to our faith this year? Negative six.
You have some converting to do.
(MOANING) I haven't been heard from! And what do you have to say? Nothing! Just pointing it out.
Okay, I can do this.
I'm a good man.
And Springfield is nothing if not a good Christian community.
(CRIES OUT) (LAUGHING) (GRUMBLES) I'm worried about this festival.
It's like something you'd see in a college town.
- (GRUNTING) BART: Come on, Mom, get with the pagan agenda.
Ha.
This doggy likes me.
Don't worry, Ralphie, I'll shoot you off of there.
Uh-oh.
Come on guys, let's go check out this year's feature attraction: the Strandbeest.
Powered by the wind! Wow.
Uh Is this science, or garbage? - Dutch art.
- Ooh! And I'll bet it's environmentally conscious.
No.
It is not.
(ONLOOKERS MURMURING) Whoa.
It's alive! (EXCITED MURMURING) Hmm.
The wind is picking up slightly.
This is a disaster! The Beest is built for the polite breezes of Europe.
(PANICKED SHOUTING) Save me, Odin.
(GRUNTS) (SCREAMING) Look, Dad, I can skate backwards! Great, Sophie! Just watch out for Strandbeests! (LAUGHTER) (SHOCKED GASPS) (SCREAMING) (STAMMERING GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTING) What the? (GRUNTING) Okay, I got to warn ya.
Regular morphine doesn't work on me anymore.
Call this number and they'll send the stuff I need.
It'll say "for elephants," but ignore that.
(GROANS) Sorry about this, Sophie.
Couldn't have come at a worse time.
I only get one week of custody, once a year.
It's okay, Dad.
We'll get to know each other in this semi-private room.
Oh, I'll give you all the privacy you need.
- Ah - (FLAT LINES) (SCREAMS): Harold? Private room! Mm-hmm.
Uh So, uh, how's your act coming along? I'm not in show business.
What kind of a screwed-up kid are you? I'm not screwed up.
I get good grades.
I play the French horn.
Good, good.
You know, it's funny when someone's playing it and their pants fall down.
(CHUCKLES) I haven't had that happen.
Well, don't feel bad.
It's actually a pretty complicated rig.
The whole megillah is a big tzimmes.
Tzimmes? Megillah? It's Yiddish.
The language of our fakakta people.
Mom raised me Christian.
A Christian? - (SPITS) - (GROANS) That farbissina shiksa.
How can you ignore the sacred traditions of the Jewish people? Krusty, here's your bacon, lobster and tref sandwich.
Hey, it was supposed to come with a side of camel.
Extra cloven.
Dad, you don't have to be sort of funny with me.
The thing is, I want to celebrate this time with you.
Sweetie, I know you're reaching out.
But to me, Christmas is just another day.
I usually curl up with a good bookmaker, and Well Why don't the two of you spend Christmas with us? Our home isn't fancy, but we'd love to set a place for two more.
Marge, we accept.
Can we bring anything? Just yourself.
That'll cost you.
(SINGSONGY): Oh, Maggie.
Guess who just came down the chimney? A magical holiday friend, straight from the North Pole.
He's called the Gnome In Your Home, and he works for Santa, by watching you all the time.
According to a book sold separately, the Gnome In Your Home doesn't need food or sleep.
He lives for just one thing: to tell Santa if you're bad or good.
(SUCKING PACIFIER RAPIDLY) He's gonna live here on your shelf, and he never shuts his eyes.
Isn't that cute? You'd better be good, or he'll nibble your wittle fingers! (SUCKING PACIFIER RAPIDLY) (PLAYING "O TANNENBAUM" ON PIANO) (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, boy, Krusty's here! A very merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart.
(CALLING): Did you get the shot? How did it play? Was I too sincere? Perfect, Mr.
K! Start laying dolly track.
("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING) (DOORBELL RINGS) Come on, damn it! Christmas is about one thing: being with family.
Sophie, come sit on Daddy's lap.
I don't want to be on camera.
Fine, we'll just motion-capture her in later.
(SCREECHING) Aww, that's my girl.
Oh, what a beautiful gingerbread house.
Wish I could make one.
And I can! On a multi-function Minolta printer.
Print, scan, copy, let Minolta do your Xeroxing! "when what to my wondering yes did appear" To hear me read the rest of this poem, dial 1-900-OLD-POEM.
$9.
95 per call.
All I wanted was to spend the holidays with you so we could learn more about each other.
Well, I learned! Get out! (CRYING) What? Seriously? You really want me to go? Yes.
Right now.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Uh, can we get some room tone? Just 20 seconds.
Oh, Sophie! Please, forgive me.
I canceled the show.
I'm pulling up duct tape myself, like a caveman! (GRUNTING) SOPHIE (CRYING): Just leave me alone.
If the Word of God isn't enough, I also have some rubber jar openers.
(GROANS) I've been directing Christmas pageants for 30 years.
There's no way there's a God.
Forget it.
Our nonsense is so much better than your nonsense.
Look at this guy! He can be a Pixar hero.
Look at him! No, maybe I'm just not cut out for the God game.
Maybe I could teach S.
A.
T.
Prep.
At least there are answers in the back of that book.
(GRUNTS) (CRIES) What kind of poison do you serve to a guy whose daughter hates his guts? Yeah.
Try a Duff Numb.
No flavor, just alcohol.
(GULPS) I need something that makes me feel better in my heart.
Like firing a writer.
Especially one who just bought a house.
Mm (CASH REGISTER DINGS) My son, I'm here to guide you to the most powerful man in this world, or any other.
J.
J.
Abrams? No.
Jesus.
He is reaching his arms out to you.
Oh, my God.
I can see him.
I am a Christian! (ANGELIC VOICES SINGING) (STUN GUN CRACKLING) Uh, Chief, I think you got him.
Yeah, it's Christmas.
(CHUCKLES) Just bang his head on the car door and we'll call it a day.
- Merry Christmas.
- (CRACKLING) Good night, sweet Maggie.
Mwah.
Why are you huddling over there? The gnome can't see you.
I'll move your crib closer.
(GRUNTING) There.
(CLOCK TICKING) Oh, sorry, I forgot your nightlight.
(IN BABY VOICE): The gnome can't nibble your fingers if he can't see them.
(PSYCHO TYPE VIOLIN STINGS) LISA: Hey, Maggie.
I thought I'd try the violin.
(PSYCHO TYPE VIOLIN STINGS) (WIND WHISTLING) (OBJECT FALLS) (WIND WHISTLING) (TERRIFIED SUCKING) I've got a tummy ache.
Maybe I ate too much before bedtime.
Have you been a bad baby? Oh.
Don't lie to me or Christmas morning will never come! (CACKLES EVILLY) ("JINGLE BELLS" SLOWLY PLAYS IN MINOR KEY) (LAUGHING) (YELLS) Oh, don't worry, Maggie.
He can't beat the super team of Santa, Jack Frost, the Abominable Snowman and Wayne Gretzky.
He's got a gun.
Merry Christmas, Maggie! Was Maggie a good little girl? She was?! Well, you did such a good job, Mr.
Gnome, that we're gonna leave you here all year round.
("JOY TO THE WORLD" INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) "which they also did and sent to the elders by the hands of Barnabas and Saul.
" Now, I'd like to introduce our newest brother in faith: Krusty the Christian.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a putz Like me.
Aw, I remember the day she came into my life.
Oh, here's a present for Maggie.
And the good news is, Spycraft Toys makes other invasive dolls: Narc In The Park, Bear Who's Always There and Snoop While You Poop.
Won't that be fun? So much fun.
(SLURPS) Oh, now sweetie, that's a present for your mother.
(CHUCKLES) Another Christmas in the bag.
I love my juicer.
And don't worry, Marge, I'm adding fruit.
You know, I might have one more present for you.
(GROANS IN SURPRISE) (CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY) (BOTH SCREAM) (SCARED STAMMERING) What is it? What is it?! HOMER: What the?! (PANTING) (DRUMROLL) Welcome to the Krusty the Clown Sober Contemplation Hour.
(CYMBALS CRASH) Pray, pray, kids.
We've got a very uplifting show today.
He is risen.
And now please silently reflect upon the wholesome new teachings of Itchy and Scratchy.
They pray, they pray They pray and they don't slay Pray, pray, pray, they found a way The pious mouse and cat.
"They shall beat their swords into plowshares.
" I think it's about time we put on some clothes.
(BOTH GRUNTING) And then this happened.
Wow, Dad, you wrecked your entire show just to prove you love me.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Here comes a cream pie.
(PENNYWHISTLE PLAYS) - (KRUSTY CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - (BART GROANS) Coming up next, we've got some hilarious comedians.
Finally.
Andrew Nice Clay, Larry the Fable Guy and Joe Piscopalian.
Oh, if he was gonna convert, why didn't he pick a funny religion? Like Zoroastrianism.
Their top god is named Mazda.
Tell me that's not hilarious.
(GROANS) And now the moment you've been waiting for The nature of the universe is we are forced to wait for every moment.
As Mazda teaches us Shh! My daughter will play the French horn and no one's pants will drop.
(PLAYS UPBEAT MELODY) I guess this will just be for me.
Well, look at you, all cool and collected.
Oh, well, even the Lord rested on Sunday.
But Krusty's not ours till he's b-b-b-baptized.
You have to get his soul and his bank router number on autopay.
Oh, he wanted to do it the old-fashioned way, in the river with Miss Teenage Nevada, but the river's frozen.
I have to wait until the ice melts.
Mm-mm-mm.
I had you pegged for a closer, Tim.
You know, Ogdenville is looking for a prison chaplain.
(LAUGHING): The last one, well he got a very cool tattoo that he didn't ask for.
(HELEN GASPS, GLASS SHATTERS, MOUSE SQUEAKS) Gather with the saints At the river That flows by the throne of God (SQUEAKY-VOICE): Throne of God.
Will the baptismal candidate please approach? - (LAUGHING) - (GRUNTING) You're sure you want to do this, Dad? Seems kind of meshugana.
I want to be a total Christian for you, babe, so I'm gonna shpritz my tuchis Be careful of the current.
Don't worry, I haven't been current in years.
(LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY) (GROANS) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Huh? Huh? Oh.
Oh, great, my death is a hacky parody of Frozen.
Dad? But who's the moose? I'm your first agent.
Oh, this is the most we've ever spoken.
(PHONE RINGS) (GROANS) I must be dead.
You're not dead yet.
Listen, I should know because I am.
And life was no picnic, but let me tell you, death is no picnic, either.
Your biggest mistake is expecting picnics.
Dad! Oh, I suppose you're not happy that I'm converting.
Herschel, your heart just stopped so I'll make this very quick.
There's no one religion that makes you a good father.
All you got to do is think of your children before yourself, that's all except with those oxygen masks that you get on the planes.
There it's vice-a-versa.
Well, I guess you would know.
You're a rabbi who's seen the face of God.
Actually, I'm a hallucination caused by cell death in your suffocating brain.
Also, I saw you texting during my funeral.
- For shame! - (CRIES OUT) Oh, reel him in.
You've caught a drowning man! Slow down.
First I'm gonna play him a little.
"I shall be a fisher of men.
" (ICE BREAKING) I'm alive! Oh, ho! Don't tell my ex-wife.
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING) Lovejoy is a hero! Finally something I can explain! SINGERS: All ended well except for Sideshow Mel This Jewish clown, he didn't drown Reconciled with his daughter When he got out of the water Here's the good news, butts in the pews Watch Homer snooze as he still chews Our show is almost done Maggie didn't stop At one.
Sorry about Krusty, but he's still on Team Hanukkah.
Um, I hate to win on a technicality, but he was under the water.
That's a baptism.
Maybe we should ask Mazda? I'm not going to ask him anything, he's drunk.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Every Man's Dream
The Simpsons s27e01 Episode Script
Every Man's Dream
LISA: Aah! MARGE: Whoo! BART: Wha! (Homer grunts) D'oh! D'oh! (tires screeching) I don't believe it When you tell me That it's all gone bad It's true To you Whoa! (tires screech) (alarm sounding, birds squawking) (alarm continues) (soft groaning, snoring) Huh? Where's the snooze button? Ah, that's better.
Hey, what? I gotta get out of here! (alarm blaring) It's (yawns) After just five more minutes.
(yawns) (alarm blaring) (laughing): Oh Marge On a Tuesday? DR.
HIBBERT: Yet again, Homer will be fine.
Mm.
He's been sleeping an awful lot.
Look at these vacation photos.
DR.
HIBBERT: Oh, my! (chuckling) Man, you people sure take a lot of vacations.
MARGE: That's just to remind me where I parked.
Hmm.
I think I have an idea of what might be going on.
(gasps) Huh? What? First, you're gonna need a spinal tap.
Please be the band.
Please be the band.
Oh! Aren't you supposed to give him anesthetic? Oh, I knew I forgot something.
(screaming): Ow! (printer whirring) Oof.
Very low levels of hypocretin.
I'm afraid Homer has narcolepsy.
Doctor, is it time to pull the plug on my father? No, wait.
I'll spare you that painful decision.
HOMER: No, Bart! That's the TV! Ha-ha! That's the other guy.
Stop that! (laughs) Narcolepsy's merely sleeping sickness, and many narcoleptics do lead normal lives by avoiding stressful triggers like, uh, oh, let's say Helping with the laundry? Exactly.
Having to pay my doctor's bill? Don't play with me, man.
I will mess you up.
Here's a signed certification of your condition.
This is a bona fide medical excuse from doing anything you find taxing.
But you only use that when absolutely necessary, right, Homie? Marge, please! I'll probably never use it.
Dad, can you drive me to Milhouse's? Narcolepsy.
There's a spider in my room! Narcolepsy.
Dr.
Hibbert called in a prescription for you to pick up.
Narcolepsy.
Yes, for narcolepsy, which you should get now.
You can't spend half your life napping.
Maggie does, and you think she's adorable.
Yes, because babies are always cute.
(snoring) (coughing) (sniffs) Oh, that baby needs a diaper change.
Nar-co-lep-sy.
(groans) Homie, you have no idea what it's like being married to you.
Me being married to me, eh? ("Bridal Chorus" playing) HOMER: Stop the wedding! What about our child? (baby whimpers) (dog barks) Don't forget me.
Now I've seen everything.
A window that talks?! Okay, can you explain again how I take this medication? One a day with food.
Yeah, but what kind of food, girly? Stuffed cabbage, a nice bowl of soup? (sighs) Any idea when you'll get to me? Well, there's four old people ahead of you, so how's Thursday at 1:00? Oh, you know it's funny that you should say one, 'cause that's how many grandchildren that I have.
I'm gonna have grandchildren by the time I get through this line.
Oh, that's so nice.
Isn't that interesting? Oh, well, congratulations.
(giggles) Narcolepsy, take me away! Oh! (grunts) (groans) (toy squeaks) (sniffing) I smell beer.
Did you go to Moe's? Every time I have beer on my breath, you assume I've been drinking.
(groans loudly) Oh, that's a long one.
Did you at least get the medicine? I tried, and I failed.
Miserably.
But I'm willing to work this out in counseling.
(groans) We've been to every counselor from Avery to Zabinsky.
But not Zilowitz.
HOMER: And that's why there'll never be another golfer as good as Chi-Chi RodrÃ­guez.
The name and the game, he had it all.
Okay, I think we got a little off-track here.
I know this marriage isn't perfect, or even great, but now I treasure the moments where it's just so-so.
(snoring) I'd kill for "okay.
" Please, please, just tell me what to do.
I've never said this-- and I don't even know if I'm supposed to say this-- but this marriage is rotting with the stench of death.
Oh, that seems a little strong.
How about reeking like a trashcan in a dog park? Does my marriage have to be something you can smell? (snoring) You see, Marge? You see? The only way you and Homer will ever be happy is to spend a little time apart, followed by more time apart, followed by a divorce.
What?! What is What, what's going on? Wait, no, no, no, I remember.
Happy anniversary.
Homer, Homer, listen to me.
There's just so much I can take.
No, we can save this.
We'll go to a therapist.
We're at a therapist! How you doin'? What's going on here? (sobbing) Nothing.
Everything's fine.
See? (sobbing continues) I'll love you forever.
Kids, a professional felt the best way for your father and me to work on our relationship was to give up on it.
But after a while, Dad's coming back? Oh, yeah, of course.
Maybe not.
Oh, Marge, after all my divorce-worthy statements and actions, many of which you don't know about, how can you kick me out now that I'm sick? Narcolepsy is a serious thing.
Maybe because you didn't take it seriously enough.
I pity you! (Homer sobbing) (Homer wailing) (crying): Why is Daddy going away? Is it my fault? (crying stops) Just kidding.
I have been waiting for this.
All my problems are my parents' fault! Mr.
Flanders, can I cry on your shoulder? Boys, get my tear dickey.
BOTH: Yay! (snoring) (alarm beeping) Five more minutes.
(snoring resumes) Poor guy, living at the plant.
And yet he's still late.
(crickets chirping) (crow cawing) Smithers, come up through my rear and grab me.
Yes, sir.
(humming) (blow dryer whirrs, stops) (humming happily) I don't get it, Homer.
You and your wife may be calling it quits.
How can you be happy? Oh, you guys missed a very sad montage, but then I remembered that after every fight we ever had, Marge takes me back.
I wouldn't be so cocky, Homer.
Marge has changed her relationship status to "It's complicated.
" (whistles) Not good.
Complicated? What's complicated? We're not together, but we're not legally apart, and I have to fight for the right to see the children I spent my life avoiding.
What's complicated about that? Simpson, where are your shoes? Narcolepsy.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Now, to prove everything is fine, I'm just going to give Marge a call.
MARGE: Hello, you've reached the voicemail for Marge Bouvier.
(beeps) Oh, my God.
She switched to her maiden name.
She must be serious.
She's gonna have to order new checks.
fight, The Itchy & Scratchy Show! (doorbell rings) Eh? Mm! (cackling) Use a coaster.
Oh, the pigeon sisters! (Pigeon Sisters cooing) Wish my head was filled with guacamole.
Now, on the bright side, Homer, guys get in much better shape when they get divorced.
Not me.
I will not become a clichÃ©.
Well, consider yourself lucky.
Most guys never even get a chance to lose an amazing woman like Marge.
If Marge is in play, I'm cleaning up.
Got a date with an angel Got to meet her at 7:00.
(belches) Hey, guys, knock it off, huh? I'm sure Homer and Midge just need to talk things out there.
(phone rings) And there she is now.
Hello, baby.
Y Oh, it's the pharmacy.
They want me to pick up my prescription.
(sighs) Well, that man just won the Saddest Man in the Bar competition.
I was so damn close! Whoa, nice fill.
You've got amphetamines, anticataplectics and GHB, also known as Georgia Homeboy or Liquid Ecstasy.
Do not take these with alcohol.
What if I've already been drinking, and I don't plan to stop? Are you asking me out? I mean, you're not, but it seems like you'd be fun to hang with, and I'm pretty fascinating myself; I'm an author.
I thought you worked in a drugstore? Tennessee Williams worked in a shoe factory.
Boy, you're pretty fast with that fact.
You want to go out or not? Well, I don't know what you see in me.
I'm just a lonely guy with a bag full of drugs.
Huh! Come with moi.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're moving way too fast for me.
I get that a lot.
(sighs) No, what I'm saying is you're walking faster than I can walk.
How fast can you go? Pretend you're walking a very slow old dog.
(both growling, barking) (rock music playing) No autographs.
I just need you to sign your bill.
The monkey made the reservation.
He pays.
I think it's cool how you owned your own baldness by shaving your head.
Well, I saw a picture of Jeffrey Katzenberg once, and said, "Yes, that's for me.
" Okay, listen, I'm just floating this, but have you ever thought that it might be a good thing Marge dumped you? What are you saying? You guys were so young when you met.
She was your first girlfriend.
I've dated more girls than you, but now you're free to try something new.
Uh it's getting late.
I should go.
The donut shop will be throwing out their unsold donuts.
You can buy them cheap.
Don't you want to finish your drink? Eh, you're the pharmacist.
Whoa Big city Bright lights Cool, cool people Big city (Homer laughing, heads laughing) (Patty and Selma chuckle) (gagging) (grunting) Mm! (laughing groggily) Hey What? Candles? Clean sheets.
Did I pass out at Urban Outfitters? Oh, God! Oh, God! I've just committed the one drunken mistake I've never made.
Well, Bart.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
What am I gonna tell Marge? (gasps) Don't move! There's a snake on your butt.
That's a tattoo.
Why would you do that to your body? I thought you had one, too.
Those are stretch marks, young lady.
I've had three children.
I got to call my wife.
I thought you guys were separated.
I'm the kind of man who never gives up hope.
I own property in Detroit, every Christmas I ask for size 36 pants, and I still buy Beanie Babies.
(phone beeps, line rings) Hello, Homer.
Marge is getting ready for a date.
Marge? On a date? Yep, but I'll make you a deal.
I will try to save your marriage if you can guess which one I am.
Patty? Wrong! (dial tone) (sobbing) I'm gonna get one, two, three, four, five scones.
You guys want anything? We're fine.
No, thanks.
We're all right.
Candice, what is his deal? (gasps) Is he paying your rent? No.
Is he giving a kidney to your mother? No.
Is he good at sitting on suitcases that are too full? Yes, but no.
Is he your guest at a dinner for schmucks? No.
(gasps) Are you a Humpty Dumpty catcher? Be honest.
All no.
Does her remind you of a childhood snowman? Yes, that's it! And the great thing is he will never melt.
Man, I would love to get back into snowman shape.
I can't even fit in my scarf anymore.
Whoa, this is serious.
Complimentary tattoos.
Yeah, I've always been looking for the very special lady who would match up with this.
(whinnying) All right, very funny.
You two celebrating or what? Two Scorpinos, Moe.
Scorpinos, you got it.
And those are served in, uh Champagne flute.
Champagne flute, got it.
And that is a Glass! A clean glass.
Ah, coming right up there, Your Highness.
Nut case.
(engine revs, tires squeal) Wow, Homer, you really stuck the landing after your separation.
Yeah, it's great.
Except her friends are always over.
I've been there for three weeks, and I can't find the TV.
And no one has any problems, except they talk about them endlessly.
Kind of like you're doing now? And the weirdest thing of all is now she wants me to meet her dad.
Wow, who pays for that dinner? I plan to pretend there's a bug in my food and get the meal for free.
Smooth.
H-Hello, sir.
Thank you for inviting me to dinner, sir.
Homer, relax.
I have no problem with the age difference between you and my daughter.
In fact, I've been dating a much younger woman myself.
Oh, here she comes now.
(humming happily) (gasping) Okay, okay, we can be adults about this.
Waiter, champagne? (sputtering) So I can't date an older man, but your girlfriend can? She's not my girlfriend.
Candice and I don't use labels.
Mm, doesn't look like she uses that much shampoo, either.
Lay off my girlfriend! Roger is great with the kids.
He even taught Bart how to bunt.
Oh, so now you're super dad? When I was a kid, you were never around.
You missed my high school play.
You told me not to come.
You're supposed to fight me on that! Well, Marge, your Roger's not so perfect now.
He's got a screwed up daughter with a pathetic boyfriend.
Candice, dear, I apologize.
I'm trying so hard to set my life right.
Oh, speaking of which.
Marge, I am going to do something I should've done three weeks ago when I met you.
Will you marry me, Marge? Yes.
As soon as my divorce is final.
Then you can put a ring on my finger, Homer.
I'm already pregnant.
You're pregnant?! But I kept my shirt on! (echoing): No! (snoring) Huh? What am I doing here? Sleeping through our therapy session.
Dreaming only about you.
So none of it happened? We're still together? Somehow.
Whoo-hoo! And you thought our only option was to break up.
I never said that.
If I told people that didn't belong together they shouldn't be together, I'd be out of a job.
Huh, I must have dreamed that, too.
Okay, why don't you tell us more about this dream? All you need to know about my dream is that Marge and I have been completely turned around by it, and like Scrooge, I will demonstrate I have learned my lesson by making a boy run to the store and buy me a goose.
I think you're going to have to do a little more, Homer.
Oh, I'll do a lot more than a little more! I'll do some.
If you could just be good for a month, that would really show me something.
Absolutely.
Can the month be February? Okay, March.
(groans) You did it, Homie! And what a March it was.
A beautiful Easter, a sober St.
Patrick's Day, and impeccable behavior watching the NCAA basketball tournament.
Mm-hmm! And with your love, Dad, I'm eating meat and Maggie's talking.
I see trees of green Red roses, too What the? MALE SINGER (rock beat): I see them bloom For me and you And I say to my Aah! Huh? Huh? Huh? I got you one of those beers you enjoy unironically.
This won a blue ribbon in 1890? What does that mean? Wait, so this is reality? That other dream was just a dream? Noooooooo! But you forgot to pay! (distant): Oh! (whimpering) (gasps) (sobbing) I've lost everything.
My wife, my family (sobbing) You didn't lose me, Dad.
(chuckles) Lisa? You can never lose me.
We share the same blood, the same mixed feelings towards Bart, and you know I'll need support in my teenage war with Mom.
(sobbing, laughing): Oh, Lisa (both laughing) Oh, Dad.
Dad! Aw, sweetie Nothing could ever come between us.
we'll be together forever.
ROGER: Lisa, where are you, dear? I thought we'd get in a game of chess before we go pony shopping.
Gotta go.
Lisa! I'll Skype you at Christmas! (echoing): Noooo! (Homer snoring) Huh, so it was all my dream.
I better find out what this all means.
It means, like all married women, sometimes you're sick of your husband, but sometimes you're afraid of losing him.
And like all married men, I didn't hear that first thing, and I'm overconfident of the second.
So what do we do? I need some kind of guidance to take away from all of this.
Put your finger on it so I can tie it in a bow.
Please? Well, one thing we therapists can give is concise, simple solutions, and yours is Hannah, what does that one mean? It means don't get drunk in Brooklyn.
I see babies cry I watch them grow They'll learn much more Than I'll ever know And I think to myself What a wonderful world Yes, I think to myself What a wonderful world A wonderful, wonderful A wonderful, wonderful world A wonderful, wonderful Wonderful world! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Cue Detective
The Simpsons s27e02 Episode Script
Cue Detective
Today's safety film Don't Wear Jewelry During Sports has been cancelled.
Instead we'll watch a movie that made me fall in love with showing movies I've watched to other people.
(kids booing) (exclaiming) That's right, the 1967 classic Doctor Dolittle, which answers the question: what if an elderly unmarried doctor decided to focus his practice on animals? The running time is 152 minutes! The running time is now! (horse neighing) (neighing) (neighing continues) (groans) He's been giving that horse an eye exam forever.
(neighs) MILHOUSE: It's a carrot, stupid! Isn't it a pity you're a seal? (seal grunts) KIDS: Ew! That dude's making it with a fish! I kissed a light socket once, and I woke up in a helicopter.
This is the world of Dr.
Dolittle The wonderful world of Dr.
Dolittle This is Anthony Newley at his worst.
(singing along): Where crocodiles talk And elephants sing And animals do most any old thing.
My friend the doctor And me.
That movie was so bad, it actually stinks.
(sniffing) Whoa, it's not the movie.
It's Bart! (kids sniffing) (kids clamoring in disgust) I don't stink.
You're just smelling the old boogers in your noses.
You got to pick those things-- it's called hygiene.
If I may join in the mockery, Lisa Simpson also has an appalling odor.
(kids sniffing) What? (gasps) I don't smell.
Girls don't smell! (deep sniff) Sorry, girl, but you smell.
(singsongy): Stink-sons! Stink-sons! KIDS (singsongy): Stink-sons! Stink-sons! Children can be so cruel.
ALL (singsongy): Stink-son! Stink-son! Then they called me Stink-son.
That's not even my name.
What happened? Our family's been ostracized for lots of things, but never our hygiene.
Rarely our hygiene.
Never my hygiene! (groans) I think I know where the smell is coming from.
Mold.
(groans) It's worse than a Grampa hug in the summer.
I thought smelly clothes only happened to working mothers.
This is all the money I've found in Homer's pants pockets over the years.
I was saving it to buy a spice rack instead of always renting one.
But I guess we'll have to spend this money on a new washing machine.
We cannot continue on as the Stink-sons.
Oh, Stink-sons! (laughing) Hey! When I return, we will no longer have to wear attic clothes.
(humming) (bell dings) Mmm smoked meat.
Mmm! (sniffing) (horns blaring) Move it, fat ass! I'm trying to text! Oh, I spilled my pee jar! Watch it, Stink-son! A roadside barbecue stand? Everything tastes better when it's near a road.
Try a taste.
Guaranteed to blow your mouth's mind.
Mmm.
(laughing) Oh, look at 'em go! (laughing deliriously) (laughing) Ooh, charred and moist! Like Satan's burps.
The grill marks are shaped like a honeycomb! That's why I call her the Hive.
She's been passed down through my family for generations.
They say the Hive's made from a meteor which burned off my great-grandpappy's beard, exposing his weak chin to the entire township.
(laughter) (grunts) It was a gift from the heavens.
The perfect smoker.
The Hive has never been cooled down, never been cleaned.
Mixing meat, fat and smoke into pure magic.
Mmm smoked me.
You look like a man who needs a smoker in his life.
It just so happens that the Hive is available for purchase.
(gasps) But why would you give up your most prized possession? That'd be like Stephen Hawking selling his talking motorcycle.
My old lady and I are saving up to live our dream of moving further away from our grandchildren.
(moans) But if I don't come home with a washing machine, my wife will be so mad.
Oh, should I do the thing I'm supposed to do or the thing everybody knows I'm gonna do? You bought a grill?! It's not a grill.
It's a smoker.
That you can grill on.
That money was supposed to de-stink our children, and instead you bought a doo-hickey to stuff your greedy face.
(groans angrily) Don't worry, Homer.
Nothing fixes bad times like good food.
Also, I died.
Hmm.
(groaning angrily) (sniffing) Huh? Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! I can't believe you cooked this.
Well, the secret to barbecue is sitting around doing nothing.
No wonder I'm great at it.
Mmm smoky carrot.
And, Maggie, this is for you.
(squeals) Come on, just one bite.
Nah-uh! Uh-huh.
Never! Ever.
Forget it.
Remember it.
No way, Jose! SÃ­ way, Josefina.
Nothin' doing.
Everythin' undoing.
Oh, fine! One bite.
(gasps) Ooh! (laughing excitedly) Homie, I finally understand gluttony.
Welcome to America, baby.
(barking) Sorry for dropping by, but we smelled your barbecue and couldn't resist.
Here's some Carl-slaw to go with it.
I call it "Carl-slaw," because I bought it.
(grunting) (excited chattering) Look how popular we are.
That smoker is the best thing that ever happened to us.
Thank goodness for your selfish choices.
I make them all for you.
(tires screeching, people exclaiming) (excited chattering) Yeah, I'm looking for a barbecue bozo name of Homer Simpson? Whoa, that's Chew Network's celebrity chef Scotty Boom! He's the host of Side Dish Impossible, Master Prison Chef and Kill It, Chill It, Grill It.
Yeah, how you doing, everybody? I'm Scotty Boom, and I'm challenging you to an Eat-down! What's that-- some kind of eat-down? It's my new show where I use my big-time New York City chef skills to obliterate amateur cooks.
Who would watch such a one-sided farce? I'm in.
This Eat-down's gonna throw down at the Springfield Barbecue Festival.
And when I'm done, you're gonna wish you never heard of food! (people oohing) Buy my cookware! (gasps): I'm competing against Scotty Boom! He's got what all great chefs have-- yelling.
ALL (chanting): Homer! Homer! Homer! You were right, greasy hobo.
Nothing fixes bad times like good food.
Up here, I can watch anyone in the world take a shower.
(grunting) Okay, pork, I'm gonna throw you in that magic smoker for 24 hours and win that cook-off.
I only wish you could be alive to see it.
(British accent): Then I suppose this is my last chance to say I love you.
Aw (gasps) Oh, no! Our smoker's been stolen! Why?! And when?! You didn't lock it up? You fat idiot! I'm out of here.
(groans) (moans) You'll find the Hive, right? Tell me you'll find my smoker! Ah, don't you worry.
The Springfield PD is on the case.
Ah, yeah.
Uh, well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
High-end barbeques like yours are easy pickings.
Smokeheads grab them at night, clean them up.
Next thing you know, it's cooking another family's hot dogs.
Humanity-- what a joke.
(spits) So, it's gone.
It's really gone.
All that's left is the smell of burning hickory and three tiny little wheel prints.
Good night, sweet prints.
So you lost your grill.
Snap out of it, you big fat baby.
Son, this is so much more than just losing an outdoor cooking device.
How to explain this to a child? This is the death of hope.
What are you talking about? Everything good that comes into our lives, the universe takes away.
So from now on, I'm just gonna lie here and never care again.
Come on, you know your life sucks.
Just get drunk like you always do.
I don't want to.
(gasps) (moans) Look at him.
He's lying there like a beached whale waiting to explode.
Maybe we should try to track down that smoker.
I don't know.
The whole barbequing scene is pretty pro-meat.
And all that smoke pollutes the environment.
This isn't about your boyfriend, the planet.
I've never seen him this beaten down.
Okay, look for clues.
Are there any mud samples we can trace to local heaths and moors? Sorry, I've been watching a lot of Sherlock.
(barking) Knock it off, boy.
I don't have any meat for you.
Get down! Wait! Santa's Little Helper was in the yard last night when the smoker was stolen, but he didn't make a peep.
Why? (gasps) "Natural Peanut Butter.
" What if someone gave this to the dog so he'd be licking instead of barking while they took the smoker?! (gasps) You got a clue, boy! A clue! (laughs) Who's a smart dog? Who's a smart dog? (panting) (barking) (panting) (bell clangs) ANNOUNCER: You're watching Eat-down with Scotty Boom.
Come on, Homie.
We can't let this Empire State jabroni beat us.
This week I took on the Gilbert family of Portland, Maine.
They've been making clam chowder for generations.
How is that better than something I spent a day on? I win! Manhattan chowder, baby! NYC! Greatest city, greatest chowder! The Gilbert family has learned a valuable lesson-- screw everything.
Dad, we're gonna find that smoker! To try is to fail! There's only one store in town that sells all-natural peanut butter.
(bell dings) Don't worry, I know how to talk to these people.
Thank goodness you have organic fennel.
The fennel at the farmer's market is only transitional.
(groans) Typical.
Small farmers ruining it for the really small farmers.
So, could you maybe tell me who bought this brand of peanut butter? Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
You want me to violate my customers' privacy? Who are you working for? The NSA? Big pharma? Amazon Prime? Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! (moans) My hoops! (grunting) My ridiculous flesh hoops! There! Someone's ringing up peanut butter.
(both gasp) Nelson! What are you playing there, Nelson? Clash of Castles? So what if it is? Your castle's pretty well-defended.
Level six catapults.
Level seven sorcerers.
Maxed-out trolls.
(whistles) Uh, yeah, well.
(clears his throat) Yeah, gets the job done.
I tell you, those are some nice upgrades.
Expensive upgrades.
Upgrades like that cost gems.
And gems cost cash.
Expensive cash.
Where'd you get the cash, Nelson? I don't use gems! I'm a grinder! A grinder! (grunts) (yelling) (both moaning) (moaning continues) (gasps) (whimpering) (both scream) What are they? They're like televisions but they just keep going! He's meeting with someone.
That's always a sign of guilt.
Hope you don't mind.
I cooked some dinner on it.
Mmm.
(sniffs) Ah, smell you later.
("Take the A Train" by Duke Ellington ringtone plays) (phone beeps) This is our chance.
BOTH: Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! (gasps) (tires squealing) (crickets chirping) (groans) (both groan) The universe does hate us.
It feels good to surrender.
(all groan) Good girl, Maggie.
Give up young.
(panting, barking) (all groaning) Get up off that floor! We are on a head-to-head cook-off that'll be shown on TV and probably some planes.
We don't have the smoker.
Just let us forfeit with dignity.
We still have to try.
This isn't a family of quitters.
Sure we are.
We always have been and more so now.
I'm a quitter.
And I'll back down to anyone who says I'm not.
Come on, Buddhists aren't quitters.
Actually, Mom, Buddhism is really just quitting in yoga pants.
This is a Live Strong bracelet.
Lance Armstrong never quit.
He never quit the Tour de France.
He never quit lying about his steroid use.
And he still hasn't totally come clean.
Now get in the car! (lively chatter) MOE: Eat-down! Eat-down! Eat-down! Yee-haw! I can handle this barbeque competition.
All I need is a little help from an old friend.
I'm Alton Brown and welcome to Eat-down! Today Scotty Boom takes on the Simpsons in (bell clanging) And I can tell you this-- it will be edited to be dramatic.
Marge, do you think your meat has what it takes to win this Eat-down? It sure does.
Homer, what about you? No way in hell.
What about you kids? Are you pumped up to beat Scotty Boom? Happiness is an illusion.
What she said.
Looks like the Simpsons are playing mind games with you, Scotty.
Are you feeling the pressure? No pressure.
I'm throwing down the taste of New York.
My recipe's infused with Times Square, the Bronx Zoo and the Sex and the City walking tour.
The Simpsons better bring their A game.
HOMER: F! F game! I call this my Never-Give-Up Brisket.
The secret ingredient is hope.
Mm? (spits) How many spices did you put in this? All of them.
(all groaning) (audience oohing) I've never seen such unusual grill marks.
This pattern looks like a honeycomb.
What? That meat was cooked on the Hive! This garlic-sucking tunnel trash stole our smoker! Ah, this little flyover's crazy.
I cooked that meat myself right here over here.
The grill marks don't match.
Dead meat doesn't lie.
(audience gasping) (gasping) Scotty Boom, you are hereby banned from the Chew Network.
You are no longer a celebrity chef.
You're just a chef.
Take him away, Chief.
Grand theft smoker.
Sounds like a crime to me.
Apparently, the winner of the Eat-down is the Simpsons.
(cheering) Isn't this a little too easy? Why would a professional chef cheat? And how does Nelson fit in? And where the heck is our smoker? ("Take the A Train" by Duke Ellington ringtone plays) (phone beeps) That's the ringtone from the scrapyard! LISA: Get him! Bones! Bones! I'm covered in death! (gasps) My hoops! Dad, stop him! I'm done trying.
Dad, please! No one's asking you to care.
Just trip a stranger! (grumbles) A kid? Why'd you steal our smoker? Why'd you frame Scotty Boom? 'Cause he's my dad.
I'm Tyler Boom.
Huh? My dad is so busy shooting his TV shows and going to the openings and closings of his restaurants I never see him.
You destroyed your Dad's career so he'd spend more time with you? Aw I met this kid Nelson playing Clash of Castles online.
You know, I knew my dad was coming to your town, so I hired Nelson to take your smoker.
And then my nanny cooked some meat on it and switched it so it looked like my dad cheated.
This was the only way.
The only way I thought of.
Son, why didn't you tell me I was a terrible father? Because I'm from New York.
We don't talk about our feelings, huh? Yeah, I understand, son.
I'm from New York, too.
FDR Drive.
The West Side Highway.
Investment banking.
The gallery scene.
Knicks suck.
(crying): Oh, Papa! They suck so hard! One more thing, Tyler.
Where's the Hive? (gasping) Oh (sizzling) You're always so much hotter than I think you're gonna be.
Thanks, guys, for not giving up, then giving up, then not giving up again, then I forget.
BBQ is like family-- the cheap cuts of meat that nobody wants.
But if you treat them right, they turn into the best thing in the world.
Yeah, barbecue's yummy.
Chinese is pretty good, too.
Meh, it depends on the place.
From the dusty mesa Her looming shadow grows Hidden in the branches Of the poison creosote She twines her spines up slowly Towards the boiling sun And when I touched her skin My fingers ran with blood.
PIT MASTER: I'm out of here.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Cue Detective
The Simpsons s27e02 Episode Script
Cue Detective
Today's safety film Don't Wear Jewelry During Sports has been cancelled.
Instead we'll watch a movie that made me fall in love with showing movies I've watched to other people.
(kids booing) (exclaiming) That's right, the 1967 classic Doctor Dolittle, which answers the question: what if an elderly unmarried doctor decided to focus his practice on animals? The running time is 152 minutes! The running time is now! (horse neighing) (neighing) (neighing continues) (groans) He's been giving that horse an eye exam forever.
(neighs) MILHOUSE: It's a carrot, stupid! Isn't it a pity you're a seal? (seal grunts) KIDS: Ew! That dude's making it with a fish! I kissed a light socket once, and I woke up in a helicopter.
This is the world of Dr.
Dolittle The wonderful world of Dr.
Dolittle This is Anthony Newley at his worst.
(singing along): Where crocodiles talk And elephants sing And animals do most any old thing.
My friend the doctor And me.
That movie was so bad, it actually stinks.
(sniffing) Whoa, it's not the movie.
It's Bart! (kids sniffing) (kids clamoring in disgust) I don't stink.
You're just smelling the old boogers in your noses.
You got to pick those things-- it's called hygiene.
If I may join in the mockery, Lisa Simpson also has an appalling odor.
(kids sniffing) What? (gasps) I don't smell.
Girls don't smell! (deep sniff) Sorry, girl, but you smell.
(singsongy): Stink-sons! Stink-sons! KIDS (singsongy): Stink-sons! Stink-sons! Children can be so cruel.
ALL (singsongy): Stink-son! Stink-son! Then they called me Stink-son.
That's not even my name.
What happened? Our family's been ostracized for lots of things, but never our hygiene.
Rarely our hygiene.
Never my hygiene! (groans) I think I know where the smell is coming from.
Mold.
(groans) It's worse than a Grampa hug in the summer.
I thought smelly clothes only happened to working mothers.
This is all the money I've found in Homer's pants pockets over the years.
I was saving it to buy a spice rack instead of always renting one.
But I guess we'll have to spend this money on a new washing machine.
We cannot continue on as the Stink-sons.
Oh, Stink-sons! (laughing) Hey! When I return, we will no longer have to wear attic clothes.
(humming) (bell dings) Mmm smoked meat.
Mmm! (sniffing) (horns blaring) Move it, fat ass! I'm trying to text! Oh, I spilled my pee jar! Watch it, Stink-son! A roadside barbecue stand? Everything tastes better when it's near a road.
Try a taste.
Guaranteed to blow your mouth's mind.
Mmm.
(laughing) Oh, look at 'em go! (laughing deliriously) (laughing) Ooh, charred and moist! Like Satan's burps.
The grill marks are shaped like a honeycomb! That's why I call her the Hive.
She's been passed down through my family for generations.
They say the Hive's made from a meteor which burned off my great-grandpappy's beard, exposing his weak chin to the entire township.
(laughter) (grunts) It was a gift from the heavens.
The perfect smoker.
The Hive has never been cooled down, never been cleaned.
Mixing meat, fat and smoke into pure magic.
Mmm smoked me.
You look like a man who needs a smoker in his life.
It just so happens that the Hive is available for purchase.
(gasps) But why would you give up your most prized possession? That'd be like Stephen Hawking selling his talking motorcycle.
My old lady and I are saving up to live our dream of moving further away from our grandchildren.
(moans) But if I don't come home with a washing machine, my wife will be so mad.
Oh, should I do the thing I'm supposed to do or the thing everybody knows I'm gonna do? You bought a grill?! It's not a grill.
It's a smoker.
That you can grill on.
That money was supposed to de-stink our children, and instead you bought a doo-hickey to stuff your greedy face.
(groans angrily) Don't worry, Homer.
Nothing fixes bad times like good food.
Also, I died.
Hmm.
(groaning angrily) (sniffing) Huh? Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! I can't believe you cooked this.
Well, the secret to barbecue is sitting around doing nothing.
No wonder I'm great at it.
Mmm smoky carrot.
And, Maggie, this is for you.
(squeals) Come on, just one bite.
Nah-uh! Uh-huh.
Never! Ever.
Forget it.
Remember it.
No way, Jose! SÃ­ way, Josefina.
Nothin' doing.
Everythin' undoing.
Oh, fine! One bite.
(gasps) Ooh! (laughing excitedly) Homie, I finally understand gluttony.
Welcome to America, baby.
(barking) Sorry for dropping by, but we smelled your barbecue and couldn't resist.
Here's some Carl-slaw to go with it.
I call it "Carl-slaw," because I bought it.
(grunting) (excited chattering) Look how popular we are.
That smoker is the best thing that ever happened to us.
Thank goodness for your selfish choices.
I make them all for you.
(tires screeching, people exclaiming) (excited chattering) Yeah, I'm looking for a barbecue bozo name of Homer Simpson? Whoa, that's Chew Network's celebrity chef Scotty Boom! He's the host of Side Dish Impossible, Master Prison Chef and Kill It, Chill It, Grill It.
Yeah, how you doing, everybody? I'm Scotty Boom, and I'm challenging you to an Eat-down! What's that-- some kind of eat-down? It's my new show where I use my big-time New York City chef skills to obliterate amateur cooks.
Who would watch such a one-sided farce? I'm in.
This Eat-down's gonna throw down at the Springfield Barbecue Festival.
And when I'm done, you're gonna wish you never heard of food! (people oohing) Buy my cookware! (gasps): I'm competing against Scotty Boom! He's got what all great chefs have-- yelling.
ALL (chanting): Homer! Homer! Homer! You were right, greasy hobo.
Nothing fixes bad times like good food.
Up here, I can watch anyone in the world take a shower.
(grunting) Okay, pork, I'm gonna throw you in that magic smoker for 24 hours and win that cook-off.
I only wish you could be alive to see it.
(British accent): Then I suppose this is my last chance to say I love you.
Aw (gasps) Oh, no! Our smoker's been stolen! Why?! And when?! You didn't lock it up? You fat idiot! I'm out of here.
(groans) (moans) You'll find the Hive, right? Tell me you'll find my smoker! Ah, don't you worry.
The Springfield PD is on the case.
Ah, yeah.
Uh, well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
High-end barbeques like yours are easy pickings.
Smokeheads grab them at night, clean them up.
Next thing you know, it's cooking another family's hot dogs.
Humanity-- what a joke.
(spits) So, it's gone.
It's really gone.
All that's left is the smell of burning hickory and three tiny little wheel prints.
Good night, sweet prints.
So you lost your grill.
Snap out of it, you big fat baby.
Son, this is so much more than just losing an outdoor cooking device.
How to explain this to a child? This is the death of hope.
What are you talking about? Everything good that comes into our lives, the universe takes away.
So from now on, I'm just gonna lie here and never care again.
Come on, you know your life sucks.
Just get drunk like you always do.
I don't want to.
(gasps) (moans) Look at him.
He's lying there like a beached whale waiting to explode.
Maybe we should try to track down that smoker.
I don't know.
The whole barbequing scene is pretty pro-meat.
And all that smoke pollutes the environment.
This isn't about your boyfriend, the planet.
I've never seen him this beaten down.
Okay, look for clues.
Are there any mud samples we can trace to local heaths and moors? Sorry, I've been watching a lot of Sherlock.
(barking) Knock it off, boy.
I don't have any meat for you.
Get down! Wait! Santa's Little Helper was in the yard last night when the smoker was stolen, but he didn't make a peep.
Why? (gasps) "Natural Peanut Butter.
" What if someone gave this to the dog so he'd be licking instead of barking while they took the smoker?! (gasps) You got a clue, boy! A clue! (laughs) Who's a smart dog? Who's a smart dog? (panting) (barking) (panting) (bell clangs) ANNOUNCER: You're watching Eat-down with Scotty Boom.
Come on, Homie.
We can't let this Empire State jabroni beat us.
This week I took on the Gilbert family of Portland, Maine.
They've been making clam chowder for generations.
How is that better than something I spent a day on? I win! Manhattan chowder, baby! NYC! Greatest city, greatest chowder! The Gilbert family has learned a valuable lesson-- screw everything.
Dad, we're gonna find that smoker! To try is to fail! There's only one store in town that sells all-natural peanut butter.
(bell dings) Don't worry, I know how to talk to these people.
Thank goodness you have organic fennel.
The fennel at the farmer's market is only transitional.
(groans) Typical.
Small farmers ruining it for the really small farmers.
So, could you maybe tell me who bought this brand of peanut butter? Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
You want me to violate my customers' privacy? Who are you working for? The NSA? Big pharma? Amazon Prime? Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! (moans) My hoops! (grunting) My ridiculous flesh hoops! There! Someone's ringing up peanut butter.
(both gasp) Nelson! What are you playing there, Nelson? Clash of Castles? So what if it is? Your castle's pretty well-defended.
Level six catapults.
Level seven sorcerers.
Maxed-out trolls.
(whistles) Uh, yeah, well.
(clears his throat) Yeah, gets the job done.
I tell you, those are some nice upgrades.
Expensive upgrades.
Upgrades like that cost gems.
And gems cost cash.
Expensive cash.
Where'd you get the cash, Nelson? I don't use gems! I'm a grinder! A grinder! (grunts) (yelling) (both moaning) (moaning continues) (gasps) (whimpering) (both scream) What are they? They're like televisions but they just keep going! He's meeting with someone.
That's always a sign of guilt.
Hope you don't mind.
I cooked some dinner on it.
Mmm.
(sniffs) Ah, smell you later.
("Take the A Train" by Duke Ellington ringtone plays) (phone beeps) This is our chance.
BOTH: Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! (gasps) (tires squealing) (crickets chirping) (groans) (both groan) The universe does hate us.
It feels good to surrender.
(all groan) Good girl, Maggie.
Give up young.
(panting, barking) (all groaning) Get up off that floor! We are on a head-to-head cook-off that'll be shown on TV and probably some planes.
We don't have the smoker.
Just let us forfeit with dignity.
We still have to try.
This isn't a family of quitters.
Sure we are.
We always have been and more so now.
I'm a quitter.
And I'll back down to anyone who says I'm not.
Come on, Buddhists aren't quitters.
Actually, Mom, Buddhism is really just quitting in yoga pants.
This is a Live Strong bracelet.
Lance Armstrong never quit.
He never quit the Tour de France.
He never quit lying about his steroid use.
And he still hasn't totally come clean.
Now get in the car! (lively chatter) MOE: Eat-down! Eat-down! Eat-down! Yee-haw! I can handle this barbeque competition.
All I need is a little help from an old friend.
I'm Alton Brown and welcome to Eat-down! Today Scotty Boom takes on the Simpsons in (bell clanging) And I can tell you this-- it will be edited to be dramatic.
Marge, do you think your meat has what it takes to win this Eat-down? It sure does.
Homer, what about you? No way in hell.
What about you kids? Are you pumped up to beat Scotty Boom? Happiness is an illusion.
What she said.
Looks like the Simpsons are playing mind games with you, Scotty.
Are you feeling the pressure? No pressure.
I'm throwing down the taste of New York.
My recipe's infused with Times Square, the Bronx Zoo and the Sex and the City walking tour.
The Simpsons better bring their A game.
HOMER: F! F game! I call this my Never-Give-Up Brisket.
The secret ingredient is hope.
Mm? (spits) How many spices did you put in this? All of them.
(all groaning) (audience oohing) I've never seen such unusual grill marks.
This pattern looks like a honeycomb.
What? That meat was cooked on the Hive! This garlic-sucking tunnel trash stole our smoker! Ah, this little flyover's crazy.
I cooked that meat myself right here over here.
The grill marks don't match.
Dead meat doesn't lie.
(audience gasping) (gasping) Scotty Boom, you are hereby banned from the Chew Network.
You are no longer a celebrity chef.
You're just a chef.
Take him away, Chief.
Grand theft smoker.
Sounds like a crime to me.
Apparently, the winner of the Eat-down is the Simpsons.
(cheering) Isn't this a little too easy? Why would a professional chef cheat? And how does Nelson fit in? And where the heck is our smoker? ("Take the A Train" by Duke Ellington ringtone plays) (phone beeps) That's the ringtone from the scrapyard! LISA: Get him! Bones! Bones! I'm covered in death! (gasps) My hoops! Dad, stop him! I'm done trying.
Dad, please! No one's asking you to care.
Just trip a stranger! (grumbles) A kid? Why'd you steal our smoker? Why'd you frame Scotty Boom? 'Cause he's my dad.
I'm Tyler Boom.
Huh? My dad is so busy shooting his TV shows and going to the openings and closings of his restaurants I never see him.
You destroyed your Dad's career so he'd spend more time with you? Aw I met this kid Nelson playing Clash of Castles online.
You know, I knew my dad was coming to your town, so I hired Nelson to take your smoker.
And then my nanny cooked some meat on it and switched it so it looked like my dad cheated.
This was the only way.
The only way I thought of.
Son, why didn't you tell me I was a terrible father? Because I'm from New York.
We don't talk about our feelings, huh? Yeah, I understand, son.
I'm from New York, too.
FDR Drive.
The West Side Highway.
Investment banking.
The gallery scene.
Knicks suck.
(crying): Oh, Papa! They suck so hard! One more thing, Tyler.
Where's the Hive? (gasping) Oh (sizzling) You're always so much hotter than I think you're gonna be.
Thanks, guys, for not giving up, then giving up, then not giving up again, then I forget.
BBQ is like family-- the cheap cuts of meat that nobody wants.
But if you treat them right, they turn into the best thing in the world.
Yeah, barbecue's yummy.
Chinese is pretty good, too.
Meh, it depends on the place.
From the dusty mesa Her looming shadow grows Hidden in the branches Of the poison creosote She twines her spines up slowly Towards the boiling sun And when I touched her skin My fingers ran with blood.
PIT MASTER: I'm out of here.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Puffless
The Simpsons s27e03 Episode Script
Puffless
(cackles) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (all groan) ANNOUNCER: Nocturnal cravings.
A positive ultrasound.
How could this woman's doctor not know she was pregnant? (gasps) A baby.
An astronaut baby.
(baby laughs) Hey.
Oh, have you ever turned on a TV? It's my mother's birthday.
And you only turn 80 once.
Or, in the case of most people, no times.
Now, put your good clothes on.
I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm eight years old.
Can't we go to her 81st birthday? That's the big one.
Why does visiting my family always have to be so hard? Because, face it, Marge, your family doesn't like me.
Never did, not even when I had hair and a future and a bitchin' Pontiac GTO.
Where is that car, Homer? I went to a music festival, and I couldn't remember where I parked it.
(playing weakly): I'm a space cowboy.
Homie, I feel about my family like you felt about that car.
No one loves a person that much.
Please go, for me? All right, but remember the signal.
If I tug my ear, it's time for us to leave.
I'm switching to my left ear because of what happened last time.
Uh-uh, no you don't.
Your grandmother knit this for you, so act like you wear it all the time.
(groans) She has a juice box.
Why can't I have a juice box? Because when she sticks in the straw, she doesn't slip and hit an artery.
Oh, I'll never have juice.
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Mom Grandma All of the above ALL: Happy birthday to you.
Thank you.
Jacqueline, I took the money I usually give to con artists and preachers and bought you these flowers.
Oh, nothing tops a simple romantic gesture.
Except a rich man flaunting his wealth.
The one thing I can't beat-- competition.
(pops loudly) Oh, Jacqueline, I fell in love with you the moment I came down with dementia.
So to win your heart, I got you an old-fashioned music player.
Meh.
(groaning) Mr.
Yo-Yo Ma.
(gasps) No one said there'd be music.
There's always room for cello.
(plays Cello Suite No.
1 by Bach) I know when I'm licked, Burns.
She's yours.
Um, not interested.
I just don't want you to have her.
Wow, that's the meanest thing I ever heard, and I used to practice cello on the subway.
D'oh! I'm next! Whee! (Bart and Lisa laugh) Hey, you two, quit having fun.
Trust me, nothing I've done today has been fun.
Hey, hey, the plastic's here for a reason-- to keep the couch clean.
Watch and learn, boy.
VoilÃ , now I take a simple napkin and (screams) (all groan) Who's ready to see some slides of us as teenagers? (groaning) Here are the slides.
Oh, just one box.
Five terabytes.
That's over 50,000 carousels of family fun.
(groans loudly) Here's us walking up the steps of TeotihuacÃ¡n's pyramid of the sun.
Walking, walking, stopping, walking.
Walking, walking, walking.
(groans) Ooh.
Hmm.
Stopping, stopping.
Oh.
Walking, walking, walking, walking, blister-popping.
Huh? Walking, walking.
(groans) Stopping, walking, walking Oh, I sure miss Dad.
We're here to watch old photos, not reminisce.
Walking, walking How did Grampa Bouvier die? No one's ever told us.
You know what, I actually don't know.
Me neither.
Not a clue.
Girls, I'm afraid I didn't tell any of you for a reason.
(gasping) (plays dramatic tune) The real story, and it was something people were ashamed to say at the time, is that he died of lung cancer.
Mom, how could you know that and still let us smoke? I thought it made you look cool.
Hey, Lis, do you think I can climb walls like Spider-Man with denture cream on my hands? (screams) Nope.
Next time, you should wait for my answer.
Knock it off, your grandmother's bathroom is not a toy chest.
Ooh, Vicodin.
I think it's time, Selma dear.
Time we quit smoking.
Well, anyway, happy birthday.
(meows) Man, I can't believe your sisters stopped smoking.
I just hope they don't put on weight.
Hmm.
You're so fat! (laughs) You're even fatter.
Damn straight.
No one out-fats me.
Time for beddy-bye.
Now, don't sleep on your stomach.
Or is it your back? Can never remember.
Whichever is the comfortable one, don't do that.
(tapping) (chatters) (hoots) (imitating Duffman): Say hello to fun.
Oh, yeah! Oh, no! Hoppy! In this house Maggie is safe.
(Maggie babbles playfully) (groans) Excuse me, I'd like a license to operate heavy machinery.
We don't do that here.
Please? To me, everything is heavy.
(grunting): No.
(groans) Patty, what are you doing? Selma quit smoking, and she's never been nicer.
Here's your new license.
Under "eyes," I put "red and dilated.
" Ooh, thank you, sir.
Selma, not smoking hasn't affected you at all.
How is that possible? I even smell cigarette smoke when it's not around.
(sniffs) Like right now.
Maybe you're having a stroke.
Phantom smells are a symptom.
Eh, what's the penalty for driving a tractor drunk through a Renaissance Faire? Can't help you-- I might be having a stroke.
I have to consult a competent medical professional.
Got that.
Got that.
(groans) Who doesn't have that? (groans) Anyone here to get an ambulance license? That would be me.
Here you go.
I lied.
(growls) Patty, all your tests are positive.
I mean, negative.
Always get those two confused.
You're fine.
(chuckles) But I still smell smoke.
(sniffs) That's odd.
So do I.
Do you smell anything, Selma? Hmm, uh-uh, nope.
Wait a minute.
Are you smoking? That's right, I am.
I quit for only ten minutes before I relapsed.
And it was the best cigarette of my life.
(scoffs) I have never been angrier at you.
Me, too-- this is a hospital.
If you want to smoke, go do it in the stairwell with the doctors.
I'll miss you so much.
Leave me Jub-Jub.
Fine.
At least you still smoke.
I hate it when you and Selma fight.
Me, too.
I also hate it when they agree.
Homer, please be nice.
Patty's our guest.
For how long? Where's she gonna sleep? On our couch.
That's where we do our couch gags! See? Oh, fine.
She'll stay with the baby.
Well, Magster, it looks like you and I are going to be cellmates.
(chuckles) (buzzing) (screams) Nature! Shoo! Shoo! I've got a hot curling iron! Hold this.
(grunts) Oh, Marge, the kids are all asleep and the dog's been walked.
There's only one thing left to do.
(sexy purr) Did you turn the security alarm on? It's still broken.
Ooh, well, then come here, you.
(Patty snoring) (shouts) What the hell was that?! It's just my sister snoring.
She has a very fatty septum.
But it doesn't have to ruin our fun.
(snoring continues) (both moaning) (gasps, coughs) (owl hooting) (snoring) (music playing intermittently) Okay, which of you kids knows how to drive? And which is sober? Whew, thank God for Designated Dorothy.
(engine starts, truck backfires) All right, everybody go to bed.
Those of you who got to get up early, sleep on top of the pile.
Hey, Brandine! I caught us a possum! You want to name it before we eat it or after? During! Beauregard, you've been promoted from guarding my family to guarding this possum.
That's a good dog.
Lift with your legs.
Hmm.
Hey, baby.
How about that rain check for last night? PATTY: Aah! Aah! Aah, don't look at me! But you're everywhere! (gasping) Freak! (shouts) Don't you ever knock? Aah ah! Get out of here, go away! Thank God I'm blind.
Yo, I'm next.
No! Whoa! What the hell? I did that with love, boy.
What's all the hubbub? Oh, thank you, Dad.
It's okay, son.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's okay, it's okay.
No, really, thank you, thank you, thank you! It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
All right, already! Just take a shower.
I need someone to talk to.
Thank God I've got a past full of lonely men to draw from.
Mm-hmm.
Disco Stu is over you.
Oh, Disco Stu needs a Zoloft or two.
(grunts) Who am I kidding? The one I should be talking to is the one who's always been there for me my cigarette.
Forget about your sister.
You've got me.
For the rest of your life I'll be the first thing you think about every morning.
And the last thing you do every night.
Hmm, looks like I have a choice to make.
(grunting) Oh! I'm in your hair! (laughs) Uh (clears his throat) Listen, about this morning, I'm sorry I walked in on you! (grumbling) Oh! Oh, yeah.
I'm about to say something I never thought I'd say to you-- something nice.
Hmm? (sighs) I only mock you because I'm jealous of what Marge has in you.
I only have Selma.
And now I don't even have that.
(deep sigh) Oh, Patty, I've waited so long for you to open a window of niceness.
(grunts) That was it! Window shut! (doorbell rings) Ah, what the heck! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! Aah ah! What are you doing here? Apologizing.
And I want you to know I quit smoking for good.
You quit for me? I quit for us.
Hmm, that's actually more selfish.
But it sounds really nice.
(grunting) Okay, Maggie, throw the ball to me.
Throw the ball.
Okay, how about I throw the ball? It's okay.
You'll learn to do things after you're a baby.
(animals clamoring) ("When Johnny Comes Marching Home" playing) (Spider-Pig theme song playing) Spider-Pig Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig.
Let's see, we got "possum pot pie, "General Chang's possum with cashews, possum foam with pouch reduction.
" (hissing) Hey, save your hissing for the frying pan! ("When Johnny Comes Marching Home" playing) (barks) (yelps, growls) (birds cawing) (growling) (quacks) (screeches) (dog growls) (all chattering) (yelps) (growls) (dogs howling) (howls) (growls) (babbling) (laughing) What the? It's a bunch of animals acting like humans! Oh, well, there goes our dinner.
And I had such a delightful moonshine pairing for it, too.
Got 91 points from Robert Trailerparker.
Dang.
Okay, well, uh, possum's gone.
But you got fingernails to chew on.
Who knows what's under them? Ooh, I got pizza! I got poop.
It's nice to have you back, Patty.
I had to do some things I regretted 'cause you were gone.
You said it was for real this time.
I said what you wanted to hear! Disco Stu is back on Tinder.
(door closes) It's nice to be back.
Since I've stopped smoking, my sense of smell has really come back.
Uh-huh.
Who knew a small apartment with two women, a baby and an iguana would smell so bad? Cigarette? Yes! Ah.
Here's to smoking and you.
Two things that'll always be in my heart.
Is this a happy ending? It's edgy.
Together forever and never to part Together forever, we two.
(squawks) Hoppy, you're back! (Cletus' voice): Hey, Brandine! Put out the fancy possum china! I've heard of wanting a cracker, but becoming one-- oh, no! ("The Simpsons Theme" by Yo-Yo Ma playing) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Halloween of Horror
The Simpsons s27e04 Episode Script
Halloween of Horror
Okay, Homie, I'm plugging it in.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! The gravestones could be a little more crooked.
Oh! And light it up.
(wolf howls) Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh.
Halloween at the Simpsons'.
What a classic tradition! Are you heading up to the tree house to tell three horrifying tales? Ah, we're doing it next week.
It's gonna be Psycho with Skinner and his mom, Muppet Wizard of Oz-- I'm Scarecrow-Fozzie-- and then, uh, one where furniture gets smart and takes over the world or something.
Mmm! Sounds chilling! Eh.
People love it.
Everscream Terrors looks amazing this year.
I've never seen black cats with such arched backs.
Well, you gotta bring it.
Halloweening your house is a dying art.
More and more people are turning off their porch lights and pretending they're not home.
Halloween skippers.
Skippers! How can you reject a holiday where you can serve candy from a salad bowl? Bad news, Dad.
You stored the plastic skeletons too close to the furnace.
Eh, I'll take it to the old folks' home and tell Grampa it's his new roommate.
Everyone in the car! We're making a skeleton run to the Halloween pop-up store.
Ooh, while we're there we can get a costume for the dog.
Nothing says you love a pet like letting him be part of the human fun.
Who wants to be a Yoda? You want to be a Yoda! Ooh.
Ooh! Oh, man, I can't wait for tonight! I'm finally old enough for Krustyland Halloween Horror Night.
Oh, yeah, they do it up right.
Wait till you try the black cotton candy.
It tastes just like cotton candy.
Tomorrow, when my friends ask me about it, I'm going to say, "Eh, it wasn't that big a deal.
" But it's gonna be a really, really big deal! Welcome, seasonal customer, to my pop-up emporium.
Behold my terrifying joke name.
A-boo! Hmm, you know, I actually like that better.
Hey, hey! Why are you not working? 'Cause I'm still coming down from huffing all that glow stick juice, man.
Oh, I'm strung out on silly string.
(sneezes) (groans) Go, go! Back to work! Go de-tangle the novelty cobwebs, you lazy trick-or-treat trash.
(muttering indistinctly) Aren't you being a little hard on them? Mrs.
Simpson, these are pop-up people.
Temporary workers who drift from town to town, holiday to holiday, living off candy hearts and sleeping on Easter grass.
If I do not show them a firm hand, they would rob me like Striped Hamburger Thief robs Restaurant Meat Clown.
Ooh! Mariachi skeletons.
They're spooky, but they also teach you about Mexico.
Psst! Hey, big man, how about this deal: you buy one from me-- in cash-- and I'll load three more into your car for free.
That is a great deal.
Just don't tell Old Man Squishee about it.
Hmm.
(grunting and chuckling) You got some great guys working here.
They just gave me a really good deal.
Really? Tell me of this deal.
Okay, but don't tell Old Man Squishee about it.
We hate him.
Get out.
Out, all of you! Pop-up scum! Out! No one rips off Apu Nahasapeemapetilon! Now take your suspiciously full duffle bags and go! You're gonna be real sorry for getting us fired.
Well, I'm sorry now.
Yeah, you're gonna be.
I said, I'm sorry now.
We said you're gonna be! I know when I'm sorry, and I'm sorry now! You guys don't know me at all.
(Krusty laughing spookily) KRUSTY: Hand stamp required for re-entry! That's not scary.
I thought this was going to be scary.
(giggles) (grunts) (growls) Scary! That's really, uh, anatomical.
Lot of anatomy there.
Oh, yeah, the gore is super realistic.
It's gotta be-- today's consumer is just too sophisticated.
Ah! (screams) (screams loudly) I want to go home! I want to go home! What? No! We just got here! Lisa, honey, I think you should stay.
And not because the tickets were super expensive, even though they were super expensive.
But remember, you were really looking forward to the fun of being scared by stuff you know isn't real.
Unlike the money I spent on this, which is very real.
Okay.
Okay, I'll give it another try.
Good, now take my hand and I'll walk you through this roiling zombie horde.
(zombies moaning) This isn't real.
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
(gasps) (Lisa screams in distance) Sir? Sir? I-I'm not Hold on, Lisa, Daddy's picking out a pretzel topping.
Sir? Oh Oh, no, I'm lost! Okay, find a grown-up.
Find a grown-up.
Excuse me, I'm lost.
Could you please help me (screams) I can't find my family and I'm really scared and I (screams) (zombies moaning) (mumbling deliriously) Sir, looks like we've got a scaredy-pants situation here.
Zoom in and scan for fear.
Terror level seven and rising.
Shut it down.
Shut it all down.
Shut the whole damn thing down.
SUPERVISOR: Attention! Bring all laughter and exhilaration to a complete stop.
The terrifying good time is on hold.
We have located and are removing the baby that thinks this is real.
Reset time is 65 minutes.
(groaning, grumbling) All parking validations are now void.
(grumbling) Sir (whimpering) (crying) Mm-hmm.
Lisa, aren't you going to wear your costume to school? No, I'm not doing Halloween this year.
Oh, sweetie, I know you had a scare last night.
But you worked so hard on your Frida Kahlo outfit.
Maybe just wear the eyebrow and mustache? No! No! You kids look great.
Delightful.
No place like home.
(chuckles) Hold on, Simpson.
Let's take a look at that buccaneer costume.
No weapons, of course.
Bandana, possible gang wear.
Eye patch, offensive to the half-blind.
Oh, and just to reassure those who are afraid of pirates (sighs) (screams) No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! (panting) Lisa (gasping) (shuddering) Homer I think we should take down Everscream Terrors.
Wha-- W-We we can't! I'm the Mozart of Halloween decorations, and tonight is the Super Bowl.
Lisa's in a bad place.
You know how sensitive she is.
We don't want her to go back to Tailee.
No, she wouldn't.
She couldn't.
Not Tailee.
Where is she? (both gasp) HOMER: Oh.
Oh.
Ah, let's see.
(gasps) Oh, God.
We're too late.
The glue stick didn't hold.
So, Tailee's back.
Hmm.
Tailee just makes me feel so safe.
I don't know why I ever gave it up.
It breaks my heart that Lisa can't deal with her emotions without a crutch.
Well, kids are weak, Marge.
Oh, yeah.
No.
No! Stop it! Why are you taking down Everscream Terrors? Our house has to be a Halloween-free zone.
Your sister has a tummy ache in her courage.
What? Lisa goes nuts and you turn us into into skippers?! I know what this makes us.
I know! Honey, I knew you'd be upset, and that you'd think only of yourself.
So I'm taking you to the best trick-or-treating block party in the tri-Springfield area.
There's a dad who's a deejay.
Even an E.
T.
who says your name.
What if I tell the E.
T.
my name is a swear? He'll have to say it.
Then I'm in.
(sighs) (bowl rattles) NELSON: Haw haw! (sighs) Okay, sweetie, just you and me spending a regular eve together.
Nothing hallows about it.
I'm sorry I ruined Halloween, Dad.
(scoffs) Ruined? Why, you just created a new holiday Puzzle Wednesday.
A tabby and a calico.
(chuckles) I wouldn't want to be that ribbon.
(doorbell rings) Oh, trick-or-treaters.
Don't worry, I'll get rid of them.
Trick or treat.
Porch light's off, kids.
Don't you know what that means? We're not here for candy, big man.
Hey, you're those pop-up scuzzos.
What do you scuzzos want? We want our jobs back.
Look, I don't want to be rude, but you sad losers should go suck somewhere else.
(panicked grunting) That? (chuckling): Oh, that was just a kindly priest here to bless our home.
I told him to keep moving.
(doorbell rings, Lisa whimpers) (chuckles nervously): Hey.
Another visitor? Isn't life funny and safe? Can't you jerks take a hint?! Huh? Hmm, hmm? (whimpers) THUGS: Creepy nursery rhyme Like in every movie.
Mind games.
Whoa, look at this line.
This neighborhood has to be good.
Sorry, ma'am, residents only.
Too many randos crashed the block party last year, so "Spine Chills" is Pine Hills only.
(whining): Mom, you said we could go here.
We will, we will.
Look, I've got a Groupon here for a zip line adventure.
Let us in, and it's yours.
Zip-lining is everything to me, but if I take that, I'm not worth the folding chair I'm sitting on.
Now, turn around and go.
BART: Aw, a bounce house.
Aw E.
T.
? E.
T.
: Hello, Scrotum.
(groaning): Oh.
It's over.
I missed Halloween.
(hums) I can't let Lisa know we're being stalked by vengeful seasonal thugs.
I'll just whistle a happy tune.
(whistles theme from Halloween) (humming theme from Halloween) Why are you locking up the house? Why? You've Wh-Why does anything happen? Why are blue jeans blue? Who invented haircuts? (laughs) It's all just stuff I'm saying.
Oh.
How did that get there? (muffled scream) Okay, okay, intruders in the house.
Intruders in the house.
Got to call the cops.
Where's my cell phone? They took my cell phone.
And they forgot to pay my phone bill.
Wait, why are we going to Mr.
Flanders' house? Oh, you know, to see his kids.
I want to finally find out which one is Rod and which one is Max.
(gasps) Tailee, I left him inside.
Oh.
D'oh! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! LISA: Dad? Oh.
Oh, Lisa.
You're here, we're safe.
Everything's fine.
Except for this inexplicable fog.
Boo.
(screams) (screams) Oh, my God! LISA: Oh, my God! HOMER: (screams) No! (Lisa screams) We got to get out of here! LISA: He smells so bad! Come on, this way! Oh, my God, Dad, help! This way! Come on! Give me a hit off that fog machine.
We got a fat man to beat on.
(whooping) MAN: Here we come.
MAN 2: We're coming to get you.
(laughter) Okay, okay, I don't think those pop-up guys saw us come up here.
This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real.
Honey, I'm your dad.
I've lied to you more times than there are stars in the sky.
But I got to be straight.
This is real.
(whimpers) Okay, Halloween isn't over yet.
We can still squeeze in some solid trick-or-treating.
(tires screeching) Hurry, go, go, go! What? What's the rush? Go, go, have fun.
There's still time.
(gasps) It's too late.
The change is upon us.
The children are all sleeping Not one kiddie on the streets The fun's just starting for Mommy and Daddy Sexy tricks BOTH: And boozy treats Drunken hobbits Hit on slutty crayons Policeman dressed as bondage Frankenstein Your kid's teacher In a steampunk orgy Ha Grown-ups become monsters after 9:00 It's time for grown-up Halloween Close your eyes if you're under 18 It's my chance to show boobs Live my fantasy 'Cause tomorrow morning We won't remember a thing Our lives are awful and dreary So tonight we're going way, way, way, way, way too far Hide your kids This cannot be unseen It's naked, wasted, grown-up Halloween.
(burps) Can't hide forever, thumb-head.
Sooner or later, you're gonna have to buy Thanksgiving decoration, and we'll be waiting by the Indian corn.
(clattering) Oh, no, now they're trashing our stuff.
(chiming) Oh, they've tangled up my wind chimes.
How will I know when the wind is blowing? (groans) I hate this, I hate feeling afraid.
Maybe I shouldn't admit this to my daughter, but I'm scared, too, but you can't let fear shut down your brain, because between the two of us, we've only got one good one.
I've got it.
What if we use these decorations to signal for help? You're right.
I may not be the smartest dad or the bravest or the smartest, but I am great at one thing-- drawing attention to our home.
If we're gonna get out of this, we're going to need every holiday you've got.
Ay, ay, ay, ay Halloween is so bueno Ooh, the SeÃ±or Skeletinos.
He must have leaned on the "try me" button.
(laughs maniacally) (taunting): We're coming to get you.
And no fancy ceiling door is gonna stop us.
(gasps) (grunts) MAN: Almost got it.
(grunts) Stuck.
(grunting) They're coming-- hurry! Time to wake up the neighborhood.
D'oh! D'oh! (thugs clamoring) Here we go.
(panting): Hurry.
Light the fireworks.
The match won't stay lit-- it's too windy.
I've got something that will burn.
(gasps) Are you sure? Yes, this ratty piece of polyester has been soaking in face oil for eight years.
Light him up.
Good-bye, Tailee.
(whistling and popping) (gasping) What the? Huh? Now plug it in! (people gasping) Help, help! Help, we're up here! (muffled speech) Everscream Terrors needs our help! We can get plastered and hit on our coworkers later.
Come on! Get 'em, Zardoz! (gasping) Sexy drunks, stop them! (groaning) Tragic, really.
For are these guys not victims, too, in a way, of our disposable pop-up culture? When you get out, look me up.
I know a guy who owns a 99-cent store.
Those places are open year-round.
The holidays will come and go, but (sniffles) we'll stay.
Grown-up Halloween seemed pretty fun.
I saw an areola.
Oh, man, this is the lamest night of my entire miserable Li (gasps) Yes! Everscream Terrors is back! (Bart laughs) Stop it, stop it, this will scare Lisa.
Boo! (gasping) (giggles) My brave girl.
I burned Tailee.
(grunts) (laughs) Foolish Simpsons.
This was not their typical Halloween experience.
Wow, cool alien voice, Lenny.
Thanks, I've been practicing it.
As a mat (normal voice): Oh, damn it, I lost it.
(theme from Halloween playing) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Treehouse of Horror XXVI
The Simpsons s27e05 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXVI
BART: Trick-or-treat! On this filthy night of evil Little gaudy beggars stroll As they lure ghouls, ghosts and goblins Hungry for their innocent souls There is a hellish breeze a-groanin' As the children they pursue You can hear their bellies moanin' They might even gnaw on you But ruler of this sordid host More ghastly than them all Lurks a ravenous beastly monster More than 25 feet tall (screaming) He's dirty and he's hairy And his mouth tastes just like crap Like you, he's trick-or-treating for Some candies to unwrap The Lord abhors your foul disguise You thought to cloak your skin But now you've lured this fiend from Hell Who craves your soul within He's hungry for your vitals He likes you moist and ripe And should he find you spiced with sin Then you're his favorite type He'll chew your juicy insides Masticate you till you're pulp Every little soul he'll swallow With a stinky-ass gulp.
Ow! (laughs) There's no such thing as ghosts, you dumb kids! (gasps) (bellowing) (screaming) And now it's time for the cartoon.
STUDENTS: 13! (retching) We have a winner! I didn't throw up, I held it in.
(retches) No winner! House keeps the money! (phone chirps) Oh, man, I got to see this.
(groans) (violin playing sad song) Huh.
Mr.
Largo? Hmm, something's wrong.
That music is in tune.
Hello, Bart.
(screams) Sideshow Bob! 'Twas I who texted you! Using Milhouse's phone.
Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl doll? Now let me put this in terms any young boy would understand: you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky.
But this is the final pliÃ©! Yawn.
You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead.
Bob and his spear gun Sittin' in a tree S-U-C-K-I-N (chuckles) Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some stupid (weakly): mistake.
Not this time.
Tell my father he's fat.
The deed is done.
to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.
(classical music playing) I did it, I did it, I did it I killed Bart dead La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, lots Of blood I did what could not be done To Bugs Bunny by Elmer Fudd.
Fortunately it's after school hours.
(chuckles) Good-bye! (tires squealing) (whistling) A votre santÃ©! You wouldn't know, but that means "to your health," of which you have none! (laughs) (doorbell ringing) (groans) (theme song playing) (growling) Bart's father! Bart's dog! Where's Bart? I don't know who you're talking about.
This Bart! Well, I suppose that does look damning, but have you seen this? Ooh! Ah.
He's cool.
Let's move on to the next suspect.
(screams) Well, I'd better check it out.
(sighs) Not to complain, but your stomach acids are smoothing the dimples off my balls.
It's time I moved to my post-Bartum phase.
I've accepted an Associate Professorship at Springfield University.
(chuckles) (deflated wheezing) (groans) "I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
" What do Eliot's ragged claws represent? Yeah, um this Web site says the claws aren't a metaphor, but, like, an insight to a state of mind.
Crushed it! What Web site? Forward the link.
Text me.
Tweet the link.
Where is it? I didn't think the author of Cats could be insulted further.
Class dismissed.
(groaning) Rubbish! Drivel! What is this Game of Thrones they're referencing? I was a fool to think I'd find solace amongst these moronic, Snapchatting, gap-yearing Hello, Bart.
It seems the only thing that made me happy in my accursed life was killing you.
Well, if White Zinfandel can make a comeback, so can you.
Ooh, those bastards know how to party! (chuckles) I feel like a bad New Yorker cartoon.
(angry shouting) And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship.
You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back.
(groaning) I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made.
No worries, I'll just kill him again.
That's why I'm the un-killable kid.
(screams) Still not dead.
(groans) Psych! (groaning) Ay, caramba! We're both going to be sore tomorrow.
(laughs) Accidents will happen, they only hit and run You used to be a victim, now you're not the only one Accidents will happen They only hit and run I don't want to hear it 'Cause I know what I've done.
How much power is this thing using? There's so many fish in the sea That only rise up in the sweat and smoke of mercury But they keep you hangin' on They say you're so young (Santa's Little Helper barking) What is it, boy? What have you found? (gasps) I knew it was Bob! Even when they tried and executed Jailbird, I knew it was Bob! Reanimate? This animation looks good enough to me.
Homer, pull the lever! (groans) I've been pulling levers all day.
Now! Wow, for once, I was sober at Bart's birth.
Yes, that's right, Officer.
There are intruders in my basement.
Have I the right to shoot? Oh, yeah.
And you can wear blue jeans to a Broadway show.
Everything's different now.
(beeps) (groans) Wait, Dad! (grunting, groaning) That's for trying to frame Krusty.
What about all the times he tried to kill me? Eh.
As the one who suffered the most, Mom, may I have custody of Bob's body? Normally I'd say no, but you have been showing responsibility with the dog lately.
So, fine.
(humming) (cackles) SIDESHOW BOB: "By Sea-Girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown, "till human voices wake us and we drown.
" Any questions? Yes, what are you supposed to be again? A full professor! But the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow.
(groaning) (squawks) Hmm.
(humming) Look at that foolish old man! Every day he drops a perfectly good donut into the ocean.
Let us mock him for his foolish beliefs! Yes! Yes! Let us show disrespect with poorly-dubbed laughter.
(delayed laughter) Children, go with your grandfather.
Can't we go with dead Grandfather? He cannot leave.
He is the spirit of my tea kettle.
Lucky me.
(whistling) Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.
Who is more foolish-- the fool or the fool who thinks the fool a fool? What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san? For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all.
(both laughing) He is foolish! So foolish! (laughs) Doesn't mean you are not special.
(groans) (humming a tune) (gasps) (gurgling) (shouts) Now I have all eternity to talk to you.
Oh Now we will no longer have anyone uselessly floating donuts in the ocean.
They have made our fish fat and ugly.
Pathetic.
(roaring) All right, calm down, children.
Probably just excitement over the cherry blossoms.
Of course, the cherry blossoms! They're so beautiful, and yet (roaring) (people screaming) I still refuse to admit the old man was right.
Legitimate difference of opinion.
Professor, how do we stop him? Fear not! Without the buoyancy of water, it is physically impossible for any creature that large not to collapse under its own weight.
It's a simple matter of-- gloy! D'oh! Jo! (tires screech) Scared by the monster? What monster? (roaring) Yellow ribbon 'round Huh? Aah! (grunts) Aah! (roaring) Why do you have to stomp on our buildings? This land is 98% rural.
So much farmland you can walk on without hurting your feet.
(roars) Right, right.
The city's the only place you can get tuna rolls at 5:00 in the morning.
Because you do have fishy breath.
I'm just telling you.
(roaring) (grunts) Ah, thank you.
(roars) So, the key to this movie is it's so cheap it's funny.
Then just think how popular it would be if we spent a fortune remaking it.
We'll make millions! After spending hundreds of millions! (all clamoring in agreement) We're here live at the premiere of 'Zilla! And this time, the stars have come out at night! Lurleen Lumpkin, Drederick Tatum and my ex-husband, the Grumple.
(both groaning) As a tie-in to this movie, Krustyburgers will be made from only reptile meat.
And don't worry, PETA, we only buy the sick ones! (roars) (gasps) (roaring) Buzz Cola! (roaring) We can't stop him.
We can't! All we can do is avoid him easily! (crying) He's 2,000 miles away moving at two miles a day.
What do I do? What do I do?! (both roaring) It's a total bomb.
We only sold one ticket.
Oh, I didn't buy my ticket for this.
I just wanted to get a good seat for the next Star Wars.
Which will stink to high heaven.
There's only one thing we can do.
Dump everything at sea and say we lost it for insurance purposes.
Aw, yeah, that's moviemaking, Steve.
That's why we all report to you.
Toss them overboard, then kill the navigator.
(roaring) (Homerzilla roaring) LISA: I see a Yellow Monarch, a Woodland Skipper.
I see (both grunting, laughing) You know, we have been hiking for hours and you two haven't spotted a single butterfly.
I thought we were hunting owls.
Well, you haven't done that, either! Uh-huh! (Lisa screams) (groaning) (screams) Don't worry, the hole isn't very deep.
Oh, wait, I'm on a ledge.
(Milhouse screaming) (thuds) Oh, God, everything is moist and moving! LISA: Bart?! What? I'm going home.
to my toy chest, to get my barrel of monkeys, to lower them down.
At least I'm pitching.
We got to save him! Fine, but you'll follow me with the camera, right? 'Cause the important thing these days is everything must be on film.
(grunts) Okay, guys.
My cell phone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze.
Now each grab one ankle while I dive in! We have to be careful, Milhouse.
There's no telling what that Stu Bart, what are you doing?! Madam, how do you do? You don't know what that stuff is doing to you! Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work.
To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's (gasps) Where are my owls? (grunting) Oh, man, am I looking at a nosebleed! (gasps) Somehow, the radioactive explosion gave us the power to move things with our intellect.
Flowers for the lady? (gasps) (laughs) Bart, what powers did your brain give you? Look, you're talking to the guy that got demoted from the Tadpoles reading group, okay? Do not make me pity fly.
Dignity restored.
You know, we can't tell anyone about this.
There are going to be lab tests and scientists Do we get to wear those paper gowns? BART: Ow! It's a dress that boys can wear.
Wedgie! This is not a proportional punishment! (grunts) Hmm, somebody misspelled "wiener.
" (gasps) Lisa Simpson! The Musicians Union does not allow this! You know this is an ASCAP household.
God gave you this power for good, not jazz, and The 'House always wins! I even got my parents back together! Even now I don't feel close to you.
(groans) Ah, finally I can diaper all my children.
Yo, hands up.
(groans) Hmm, Milhouse has gone mad with power.
Frankly, I thought it wouldn't take this long.
Everything's coming up Milhouse! Nicely done, Lis.
I didn't do it.
Then I want to know who did! But not that badly.
(giggles, coos) (piano playing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star") Excuse me, uh, Ou est Le Eiffel Tower? I appreciate that you are trying to learn our language.
(yawns) Once again we just have a cameo.
Don't complain or they'll put us in 4x3.
Aah, they're doing it! No! Just 'cause it looks like season four doesn't make it season four! (Homerzilla roaring)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Friend with Benefit
The Simpsons s27e06 Episode Script
Friend with Benefit
(sniffing) (sniffing) (crunching) (munching loudly) (sucking pacifier) (panting) (whimpers) (disgusted growl) (grunts): Hmm? (barking) (foreboding music plays) (neon sign crackles) (soda can pops open, slurps) (crunching noisily) ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Undercover CEO, Krusty the clown learns what it's like to work for himself.
HOMER: Pass.
There comes a time in everyone's life when you need a little extra help getting up from your chair.
That's why we invented the Seat-to-Feet Lift Chair, which makes getting up by yourself A thing of the past? a thing of the past! Whoo-hoo! (whirring) Wha? He's he's up! (choked up): He's up.
(gasps, moans) Eleventy-hundred? I can't afford that.
But that chair would be a lot better than the way I get up now.
(growling) (grunting) Come on Yeah! (panting) (chattering) Magic Club! Join the Magic Club! Want to cut up a banana without peeling it? Join and (spooky): I'll tell you how.
It's with a needle and thread! I like magic! I'm going to take one of your cards.
Or did I take 52? (gasps) Do you want to join? You could be president! Just man the booth.
I need to go to the bathroom.
I'd love to join.
Honestly, this is the only booth that doesn't creep me out.
Hug me! Hug me! Hug me! I'm Harper.
Just moved here.
Trying to make friends.
Lisa.
Always been here.
Trying to make friends.
(both giggle) Well, I've got news for all of your clubs: it's 3:00 p.
m.
, so Willie's turnin' on the sprinklers! (screaming) HOMER: Guys, I need your advice.
Season three of anything is the best.
Agreed.
But I wanted advice for something else.
(sighs) It's something I really need for my well-being, but I just don't have the bucks.
The thing everyone's doing these days, uh, by which I mean a couple of years ago, is to get money through crowdfunding.
You thought about that? Yes, but what is it? Crowdfunding is when lots of people give you small amounts of money to help your passion project come to life.
Thanks to crowdfunding, we have Makey Makey computers, the 3Doodler pen, and Zach Braff's generation-defining dud "Wish I Was Here.
" Well, if there's anything that has true wisdom, it's crowds.
Hmm.
Hello, friends.
Are you sick of "Big Charity" asking you for money, with its free return envelopes and annoying black tie dinners? Well, I'm here to ask you for something different.
Something simple.
You can help a man get back on his feet.
Dad, what are you recording? Ooh, Lisa.
Turn to camera and quickly say "please give.
" Please give.
Give what? Uh, Lisa eh, well, we'll fix that in post.
(sobs) He didn't even have the money to fix that in post.
That is the saddest thing I've ever seen.
(sobbing) (cash register bell rings) Well, I suppose I could spare a little for my neighboreeno.
Will you shut up, Flanders?! (chuckles) Lip zipped.
(cash register bell rings) I don't give handouts to poor people.
It's not in the spirit of self-made Americanism, as espoused by Russian weirdo Ayn Rand.
(cash register bell rings) Dang it! We did it, friends.
Made our goal.
And now, to reveal the miracle that you all made happen (whirring) That's right.
You bought me this chair.
My ass was just lifted by a thousand angels.
We bought him a chair? That lazy lump! After I finish this beer and have a nap, I may just call him.
(scoffs) You gave money to this idiot? It was from my separate bank account.
What separate account? Uh I only use it to pay for my separate phone.
You have a separate phone? Um um uh MAN: Up, down, up, down.
Up, down (chair squeaking) up, down.
Good! You feel the burning in your core? Oh, yes, I do.
(blowing) (slurps) Mmm.
(pounding at door) MARGE: Homie, answer the door! For the first time in my life, I'd be happy to! (pounding continues, Homer hums happily) Spend my money on a chair, sir? (indistinct shouting) You're a lazy, bald monster.
Don't be alarmed, there, Homer.
We're just gonna calmly and gently destroy that chair! No way.
My chair is now protected by a human shield.
(Homer shrieks) MOE: Take that, you idiot! (shouting) (muffled shouting continues in other room) HOMER: Lisa the crowdfunding video you costarred in is causing a lot of problems.
The what-what I what-whatted in? (crowd shouting angrily) (chanting): Burn that chair! Burn that chair! Burn that chair! Wait a minute.
That's not the chair.
What? Oh.
Oh.
(flames hissing, siren wailing) No tip! (sorrowful music plays) (humming) (sighs) Guess a guy like me is never gonna get the finer things in life.
What's the point? Aw, you poor thing.
I've never seen you this unhappy lying down.
LISA: Dad? Can you take me to a concert with my new friend Harper? Her dad got us the seats.
Sure, why not? It'll be nosebleed or obstructed view seats.
That's all a self-pitying guy like me ever gets.
Who's the band? They're an adorable Australian boy band, and you can't really understand what they're saying.
But who cares? I understand.
That's how I felt about Crocodile Dundee.
I will never forgive you for making us see that third movie.
Music in a sports arena.
The acoustics are gonna be a joke.
Two tickets for Homer Simpson.
Here you go and here are your platinum V.
I.
P.
wristbands.
What the? V.
I.
P.
? Oh, this is never coming off! Just like the one from the last great day in my life.
Oh, those muffins.
And it's all thanks to Harper's dad.
Who is this guy? Mm.
(upbeat music playing) Ooh.
Mi hijo queria ver esto, pero no puedo arrastrarla a mi show.
Yes, yes, yes.
(classical music playing) Whoa! The only platinum band I have is the one that's holding my skull together.
Um, through that door.
Remember when we were A-list? It all went south for me when I got that D.
U.
I.
and said all those things I secretly believe.
Doe-eyed Boys! (screams happily) Where? Where? Maybe one of these four little wimps will tell me.
Answer me, wimps! That's them.
The band.
(squeals) Hi.
I'm Bindi, and this is Boz, McQuarrie and Wodonga.
(gasps) Wodonga.
I'm afraid you don't belong here.
Your wristbands are platinum with stripes.
(gasps) You belong in there, braddah! (heavenly music plays) Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, I wish I could tell you guys what's in there, but you know no stripes.
Lisa! You made it! Homer Simpson? I'm Harper's dad.
And I am so stoked to meet you! My entire life has been a journey toward these seats.
Who are you? ("Sirius" by Alan Parsons Project plays) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the new owner of the Springfield Arena, the CEO of J-Cloud Digital Storage Solutions Mike Jambowski! (whooping) I love this venue! Ven-ue! Ven-ue! Ven-ue! Venue (whoops) Venue! Hey, you want to fire a confetti gun, Homer? (gasps) That's the only kind of gun I've never fired.
Come on, just point and squeeze.
(cheering) I know that guy.
Yeah, sure you do, Uncle Lenny.
No, he works at the plant with me.
Homer something.
When we harmonize And you look in our eyes (female fans scream) You'll see it's no surprise That we're your Nobel Prize 'Cause, girl, you know it's true All four of us love you Yeah, we do, yeah, we do, yeah, we do Monday I love you Tuesday I do, too Wednesday that's for me Thursday I love thee Friday is your day (sighing) Is this heaven? Not quite, 'cause I hate the music.
Maybe we're not close enough to the band, huh? How about we all just Fantastic! The future of music, man! Wow! Hey, Homer, you want to get out of here, get a beer? Girl, you know it's true All four of us love you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
And now a special guest.
From the Hasbro Channel's hit sitcom Recycle Michael and the Tin Can Crew, inoffensive robot superstar, Der Zip Zorp.
(scratching records) (crowd cheering) Hi, I'm Gus, and I'll be happy to serve you.
A friendly bartender? This is like being from North Korea and finding out there's a South Korea.
Homer, a toast to two single dads doing their best.
I'm not a single dad.
Well, this will just be a toast to me, then.
(shouts) Ooh, whoa, are you okay? Be careful.
I love you.
I'm great! (laughs) When I'm happy, I make holes.
And when I'm sad, I buy a hockey team.
They cost like nothing, man.
And I made $80 million today.
Bam-bam-bam! (laughs) You try.
Whoo-hoo! Bam! (crackling) (muttering) (Homer groaning) (stammers) Did I make $80 million? No, but you made a fool of the doctor who said you'd die.
Well, he still might! Not today.
Wow, Mike's daughter seems really great.
Yeah, but it was weird.
First she was nice to me, but then when the band came, she wouldn't let me say a word.
Uh, listen, sweetie.
Let me tell you a fact of life.
The world is full of wonderful, priceless experiences, and I can't give you any of them.
But this girl can.
So it doesn't matter if she talks to you, looks at you or is disrespectful to your father.
She is your best friend.
Mm, I don't know.
(phone chimes) Huh, Harper just invited us to go see David Copperfield.
Oh, my God! That's something only tourists in Vegas get to do! (dog howls) Did you ever sit in the back of anything? Just the space shuttle, man.
My one regret is I was too drunk to drive.
(laughs): Oh-oh, oh-oh, bam! Bam on that one.
Okay, ladies, would each of you tell me your favorite TV show and dessert.
Certainly, my favorites are The Happy Little Elves Krusty and cotton candy.
I was gonna say what my Sorry, that's too long without me talking.
(audience gasps) So what do I do now?! Don't worry.
Harper? What's your favorite starving wild animal? Crocodile? What's the trick here?! (snarling) I'm so happy.
Marge, do you know what it's like to have a man take care of your every need? I've thought about it a lot, but no.
How come you're so quiet? Did he switch your brain with a rabbit's? 'Cause that means somewhere there is one annoying rabbit.
Shut up.
I just keep thinking about the way Harper cut me off.
It's kind of weird.
Yeah, that was kind of weird.
I'd have said something for sure, but my mouth was full of truffle popcorn.
(phone chimes) (gasps) Mike just invited our family to spend next week on their private island! Wow, a whole week.
Too bad the kids have school.
Marge, please.
Lisa's not gonna fall behind and Bart's not gonna catch up.
We do not want our kids spoiled.
(groans) Yeah, okay.
Maybe this is where this thing should stop.
(phone rings) Hello? This is Principal Seymour Skinner.
We're calling parents, starting with you, to let them know that school has been canceled next week.
Hmm, did that rich dad buy you off? (laughs) Seymour Skinner is not for sale.
The bread is in the oven.
Lisa, Lisa, wait! I'm so glad you guys are coming with us.
So I got you a friendship present.
(hums "ta-da") A new bike? Uh, that's so nice of you.
Tiffany crystal bell.
(melodious chime plays) And the latest anti-theft device.
(robotic voice): You're not Lisa Simpson.
Okay, what's the story? This we show up for.
Harper, this bike is wonderful.
Too wonderful.
It just wouldn't be right for me to accept it.
You'd rather have your crappy bike? Look, Harper, this may be crappy, but it's my bike.
My dad assembled it on Christmas day.
Which is why I have to pedal backwards to go forwards.
But still, I love this! Uh, I didn't realize getting you the best bike you ever saw would make you so mad.
I'm not mad, I just think this is Just what? Don't appreciate what I did for you? Why do you always interrupt me like that? That's not how friends Uh, I think I know how friends are.
How would you like it if I interrupted you all the time? I could've been friends with anybody-- Janey, Sherri, Terri, You wouldn't like it all, would you? Hubert Wong, Wendy Wang.
No, you wouldn't.
Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt, interrupt! That girl with freckles only on one side of her face.
Could you please, just for once, not interrupt me?! Whoa, sweet bike.
BOTH: You can have it! Even sweeter.
As soon as I put some training wheels on this, I'll be the coolest kid ever.
Oh! Too fast! (deep breaths) You can put that stuff away, 'cause the trip is off.
Well, where are we going with Harper? Nowhere, 'cause we're not friends anymore.
(muffled): D'oh! You owe me a Caribbean vacation, Lisa! St.
Croix or better.
Lisa, sweetie, I just want to understand.
You got in a fight with her because she tried to give you a new bike?! But she was so condescending! Yeah, she was "kinda sending" you a new bike.
Can you all please get out of my room? MIKE: Let's not let our little girls' not liking each other stand in the way of their being friends.
Come to the island, man.
We have everything there, except for trunks your size-- ha! You still want us to come? Oh, kids fight all the time.
They're not in control of themselves like we are.
Damn, that is a beautiful sunset! Damn! Damn! Aah! Whew, now we'll meet you on the island and the only problem will be the sand in our whatevers.
Sweetie, we really appreciate this.
And your brother, well, he's Where is your brother? BART: Hey, a whale.
Oh, it's Homer.
(laughing) (dolphins chattering) Oh, I'll show you! Hey, sharks, here's some chum! (screams) (chuckles) Welcome to Jambowski Island.
Formerly Haiti.
I'm really glad you came, Lisa.
Thanks for having us.
Now, Homer, I got you a special surprise.
HOMER: A beach lift chair! The laziest thing there is.
Aw.
(calypso music playing) (moans happily) HOMER: Suckers! (James Bond theme song playing) Underneath the mango tree Me honey and me can watch for the moon Underneath the mango tree Me honey and me make boolooloop soon.
Harper flipped a sea turtle on its back! My beach, my turtle! Why is everything yours?! Oh, why do you kids have to argue all the time? 'Cause she wants things her way instead of the right way.
Homer, help me out here.
No, no, with the girls.
Just tell your kid to let my kid have her way this time.
And every other time.
(crying): Dad I think you have a choice to make here.
(sighs) It's time I stood up for myself.
(whirring) Harper, I know I shouldn't say this on your private island, but you're kind of spoiled.
(both gasp) That's right.
You don't deserve Lisa.
There's nothing I love more than her.
She's the sun, the moon and the other thing to me.
(gasps) Thank you.
And we don't have to be on the same island with people who push my little girl around.
Let's go, Marge.
Now? I just got up.
Now, please! If you leave this island, you're not taking the yacht.
Oh, no.
You're taking a limo to the private jet, which is flying you straight home.
Then so be it.
Hmph.
(quiet sigh) (grunting) I know how you feel, buddy.
Oh, I better sit down.
Where can I sit? Dad, what you said was really nice.
And believe me, we're much better off, off that island.
I know.
Good-bye, crystal-clear lagoon.
Good riddance, pink sand beach.
Good-bye, swim-up movie theater that was going to show Back to the Future.
Good-bye, sweet liquors that didn't let Marge know I was drunk.
Good-bye, snorkeling and Jet-Skiing and other things I never tried.
Good-bye, obese natives that made me feel fit.
Good-bye, Bart.
Bart?! (laughing) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Lisa with an 'S'
The Simpsons s27e07 Episode Script
Lisa with an 'S'
D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) HOMER: D'oh! Tonight, tonight I'll win at cards tonight My flushes will be Straight tonight Lenny's gonna dominate tonight Carl's gonna be a little late tonight Tonight, tonight I'll cheat them all tonight When they're drunk They don't play cards quite right Tonight, tonight I won't get drunk tonight Without a beer, my head will clear Tonight It's fun to trick a rummy To put liquor in his tummy Your friendship's a delight And you may lose your sight ALL: Tonight (burps) Tonight, tonight Band camp calls tonight My demo goes online Tonight Tonight, tonight My dreams come true tonight Deposit's due tonight I'll take the pot tonight I'll eat fondue tonight I'll spike your brew tonight ALL: Tonight! Moe, what the hell is that?! Sorry.
I missed rehearsal.
Damn it.
Marge, I'm heading out! Poker night! I don't want you losing all our scrimpings! Don't worry, Marge.
The real excitement for me is staying within a budget.
(snickers) This is just a friendly game, right? Oh, super friendly.
Suckers.
Dad, Dad, Dad.
I need two things: a good-night hug and a favor.
Mm.
To save time, I'll start describing the favor.
I've just been accepted to the best band camp this side of the Mississippi! Which side are we again? Doesn't matter! It's a great camp.
Notable graduates include Pete Barbutti.
Pete Barbutti?! Yes! Anyway, it's a little pricey.
So, if you win big tonight, maybe you could help make a little girl really happy.
Don't worry, sweetie, I'm gonna win.
And you know why? I'm wearing my lucky T-shirt.
(sighs) It was such a shame he lost to President Garfield.
Oh, I'll fix this.
There.
(hums a tune) The maestro is here.
(screams, crashes) Hey, who's the lady? What, are you kidding? This is Laney Fontaine, Broadway legend.
She starred opposite Al Pacino in Does a Tiger Wear A Necktie? Ooh! Now I date Moe.
He's got everything I look for in a man: a current liquor license.
(chuckles) Well, it and you are the two most precious wrinkled yellow things I know.
WOMAN (over headphones): Three of a kind beats two pair.
Straight beats three of a kind.
Three beats two.
Four beats three.
HOMER: Oh, my God.
Full house.
We're gonna win! That means Lisa goes to band camp.
As long as Homer doesn't let them know how good his hand is.
Then he'll blow the whole damn thing to hell! That would be terrible.
Worst jammed-in movie parody ever.
Come on, Homer.
Poker face.
Aah! Stupid git! I raise, no calls, pot goes to me.
Hold on, Fat Folds Five.
(stammers) I see your raise, and I raise this.
Is that real? Won it for cinematography.
Invented a new kind of Steadicam that's mounted on a dog.
That's five grand to you.
So, are you in, or are you (groans) While I'm out, no one look at my cards or my boobs.
(groans) Aw.
Don't she black out like an angel? Queens beat jacks.
No one heard that.
I'm in.
(hums a tune) Okay, Homer.
Moment of truth.
Oh, four of a kind! Hey, honey, you won! Huh? I lost.
I lost everything.
We're gonna celebrate, Moe.
What's Springfield's version of Sardi's? Uh, Hardee's.
I know a nice booth under a picture of a hamburger.
Aw, come on, Homer.
I'll drive you home.
(imitates engine revving) Hey, off we go! Vroom, vroom, vroom.
(imitates engine chugging) (door closes) WOMAN: You've completed Poker: A Beginner's Guide.
Now go out there and win.
I bid two bucks.
(floor creaking softly) (belt cracks) (gasps) What was that? Those aren't the tiptoes of a successful gambler.
How much did you lose? $5,000.
(high-pitched chirping) Whoa, I never heard that noise.
(sobbing) (Marge continues sobbing) I'm just sayin', doesn't look like band camp is in the cards.
(playing jazz music) Hey, this is my thing now.
So easy.
Guys, I help with a plan.
Hey, what about a reverse mortgage? I saw a commercial for one where an old lady gave a thumbs-up and it turned into money, which filled up the screen.
The entire screen? Swear to God.
Hey, Homer, here's a thought: invite Laney over for dinner.
Show her your crummy home, your unhappy kids.
Anyone with a heart would take pity.
Finally, my sucky life pays off.
Do you guys think she'll buy it? Oh, yeah.
Your whole house, uh, it smells like a basement.
I've always hated your rugs.
Yeah Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why you have to go there, man? He has such beautiful floors.
Why must he hide them? Why? LANEY: There I am, on the main stage at Caesar's, about to sing "Do You Love Me," when who do I see sitting in the wings? Your boyfriend King Tut? No.
Jack Jones.
High on his success from "Wives and Lovers" with eyes for yours truly.
But you'd just accepted a proposal from Mike Connors.
Which I broke off.
Let's just say Mannix was the one man I had to nix.
(laughs): Oh! Oh, that's rich! Oh, my God.
That's going in your book.
Please tell me you're writing a book.
(choking) (grunts) Sit down, boy.
We're trying to show this dame that we're deserving of her pity.
Where's that crutch I gave you? There's nothing wrong with my leg.
There will be.
D'oh! Ow! Ow, my leg! (sobbing): Oh! Oh, my leg.
Oh! Who would take $5,000 from such a miserable creature? (sobbing) Laney, I know it's your night off, but would you like to sing a song for us? You don't have to ask me twice.
I'm just a Broadway lady Dancing on my aching feet Avoiding any foods with wheat And no drinking pre-show It's okay if the producer don't Know.
(playing jazz music) Wow.
You know your way around a horn, kid.
Oh, listen, I don't want to gush, but I have all your albums.
Laney Sings The Blues, Electric Laney Land, Laney Butchers The Beatles.
Ooh, and my favorite, Rehab Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.
I'll tell you what, Marge.
I'll wipe the slate clean on one condition.
I want you to give Lisa to me.
(grumbles) Uh, for a month or so.
I see.
Get out.
I never want to see you again.
Let me explain.
Listen, lady, you can't take a daughter from a mother unless you're a bigger star and this is a third-world country.
Marge, I know this sounds nuts, but I never had the joy you have.
A child to hug me at the end of the day or-or a chance to pass along what I know.
I'm going out on tour, and she's got all the makings of a star: talent, smarts and a star-shaped head.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
Here's your coat.
Mom, Mom.
Mom, please.
You were gonna let me go to band camp for a month, where people break curfew and exchange reeds.
But this? This is the opportunity to live my dream.
Come on, how many chances in life do you get for that? GRAMPA: None! I've been here, I've just been quiet.
(sighs) I guess I can't deny you this.
All right.
(gasps) Oh, thanks, Mom! And, Mom, if you have any doubts how a showbiz kid will turn out, just look at all of them! (groans) (tires screech) Mom, I appreciate this so much.
You'll be the first person I thank at the Tonys after the great Angela Lansbury.
Bye.
(smoke hisses) (tires screech) (tires screech) Good night, kid.
Would you read to me before I go to bed? Anne of Green Gables? I did the audiobook on this.
If chapter ten sounds like it was Peter Falk, it's because it was.
So I guess you don't want to read it again.
How 'bout I give you some showbiz advice? Every piece of advice someone gives you will turn out to be wrong.
Particularly wrong are people like me who seem knowledgeable.
Aw, she's already out.
(phone rings) MOE: You watching Channel Six right now? Hurry up! Hurry up! Aw! Nah, too late.
The cops cleaned it up.
(piano playing) Chazz Busby.
My director.
The man who's ruined more productions than flu season.
Laney! My star, my muse, my God, what have you done to your face? (Laney and Chazz laugh) Who's the lampshade? This is Lisa Simpson, the sax prodigy who's gonna blow life into my act.
Show him, kid.
(plays three notes) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I wanted an audition, not a recital.
You're in, kid.
I made it in Hartford.
MARGE: Are you sure you set it up right? Yes! Then why aren't we Skyping? I don't know.
Maybe Lisa's drugged-out.
My daughter is not drugged-out.
Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discotheques.
How do you know about all-night discotheques? We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom.
He's a resource.
Use him.
(Skype ringtone plays) How are you, sweetie? (gravelly): I'm good, I'm good.
What happened to your voice? I don't know.
Late rehearsals, cheap root beer.
(coughing) (normal voice): But I'm great! We're heading to New York! (blows) Who's watching you? Sonny and Stix.
(playing jazz music) Do I hear syncopation? Lisa, Lisa, I was thinking maybe you could come home a little early and I'm sorry.
I got to go.
Our take five is over, and jazz is all about following the rules, you know.
Come on, guys.
Don't I get a puff? (gasps) I really have the munchies.
(crunching) Bye! We've got to get her back.
Pack your things.
We're heading for New York.
We should get a place there.
We go so often.
I can't believe I'm gonna be performing here.
(dramatic music playing) I already got my ticket! LISA (nervously): Ah, so many seats.
(car sputtering) Damn it! Lousy electric car.
Dad, just 'cause it got hit by lightning that time doesn't make it electric.
Shut up, boy.
How may I help thee, friends? Our car broketh down.
(gasps) Springfield Englisher accent? You must know my ultra-liberal cousin Ned Flanders.
Oh, he's brought such shame to our family with his lip hair and two marriages.
And do you know he's left-handed? (wheels creaking) Um, can I please use the, uh, little bearded boys' room? (horse neighs) (humming) How deep did thou diggest? With God's grace, it will be enough.
Don't know why There's no sun up In the In the in the How about "in the sky"?! The sky! You ought to know, sweetheart.
You were there when God created it.
Eh, go shave a coconut.
(gasping) I turned down Transformers on Broadway for this? I was a Megatron-sized fool! Kristen Chenoweth was set to play Sam Witwicky's mother.
This is how mad I am! Fade to black! You can't be serious! I said fade! Everyone, meet me back here in however long it takes to wake up from five Valium.
On the dot! (horns honking) Hey, man, how'd you get that seat? They thought I was pregnant.
(indistinct chatter) It's showtime, Laney.
Time to see if there's still a spark left in that smoldering Duraflame log you call a career.
Hey, Laney.
Moe, I need you.
To make me feel confident, strong and beautiful.
Boy, I'm not real good at boosting self-esteem there.
But, uh, if you make a mistake, I can fire my gun.
And that's what the critics will be yappin' about tomorrow.
(chuckles) That's not encouragement! Those are your lyrics! (applause, piano playing) I had a dream A dream about you, baby It's gonna come true, baby They think that we're through But, baby You'll be swell You'll be great Gonna have the whole world on a On a Plate! (crowd cheering) Cheering for someone getting a word right.
That is a low bar.
(panting) Four tickets, please.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
The show is sold out for reasons that elude me.
My daughter's in there.
Eh, we all got our problems.
I'm a ticket seller for a dying art form.
Hey, uh, you're a union man, right? Brother? Why didn't you say so? I have no choice now but to be corrupt.
In you go.
LANEY: Everything's gonna be Bright lights and lollipops (playing jazz solo) (crowd cheering) Come on, let's sneak her out.
Under the guise of soliciting for Broadway Cares.
(coins jingling) Wait.
Wait, Homer.
Look at our little girl.
She's got chops.
Honest-to-goodness chops.
Yeah.
Letting our daughter go on the road with an 80-year-old diva and some sketchy jazz guys was the best decision we ever made.
Everything's coming up roses For me and for you! (crowd cheering) (whoops) Mom, that was the greatest night of my life! MILHOUSE: Hey! When does the show start? It did, and it was wonderful.
Eh, she's been bitten by the showbiz bug.
And when that happens, only working with Bruce Willis can extinguish it.
(giggles) (sighs) Okay.
Just finish out the tour.
We'll see you in Pittsfield.
No way! Pittsfield ain't happening for this little scene stealer.
I love you, Lisa, but you got a bigger ovation than me.
So we can never share the same stage again.
What? How can you say that? Showbiz lesson number seven: just when things are going great, they pull the rug out from under you.
Bad news, Laney.
We're shutting down.
Never cleared the rights to "Everything's Coming Up Roses.
" See what I mean? Also, we're gonna need that rug.
(grunts) (shouts) (sniffles) Mom, suddenly I really want to go home.
Oh.
Mm.
If you go, let me give you one huge piece of advice: take the Eighth Avenue side, then catch a cab and circle back.
And away I go! (scatting) Pow! Well, Laney, youse, uh you still got me.
See how gaudy his house is? A brass doorknocker? Who lives here, Caligula? 'Tis troubling.
Cousin Jacob! All the way from Pennsyl-diddly-vania! I see thou art still using the Devil's "diddly.
" Well, I must confess, I-I do over-diddly.
And I see your house is lit by Edison's witch lights.
(chuckles) Who's holier than thou now, Ned? Homer, you've shown me that I'm guilty of the sin of pride, and that just makes me love you more.
Oh, God, I'm stuck in a Flandwich.
With side orders of love and forgiveness! D'oh! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Paths of Glory
The Simpsons s27e08 Episode Script
Paths of Glory
HOMER: D'oh! (clears throat) Yes, uh, the students of Springfield Elementary have each created an alternative energy vehicle.
One of which will ensure the future of humanity as determined by a short race across the parking lot.
(mumbles): Yeah, yeah.
And now, uh, what is your car powered by, uh, fat little boy? Hydrogen-powered fuel cells.
Ah, hydrogen-- yeah, yes, wonderful.
My car is powered by the wind! Oh, how it blows.
Mine is potato-powered.
I keep tell you I'm not a potato.
Be quiet, hash browns! Dad, I'm so excited! I think-- Hey, please don't stand so close.
In the world of solar power, shadows are the arch-enemy.
I think I might win.
I believe in you and that's a given.
But I don't know.
That kid's car has flames painted on the side of it.
Why would he do it if it wasn't fast? Children, start your engines! They're not engines! That's the whole point of this thing! Yeah just go.
(crowd cheering) That never works.
Yahoo! I'm sun-made racin'! Duff Beer, the only way to get fathers through kids' events.
Huh? What? No! That shouldn't happen! I should have stored energy! You skimped on the cadmium in your batteries, just like a girl.
Stick to the liberal arts, honey.
Uh, have fun going to Oberlin! (laughs) Maybe you can transfer after a couple years to Bates! (laughing) Enjoy Maine in the winter! Hope you like Division III basketball! (boys laughing) (crying) Now, don't you worry, kid.
They also laughed at Amelia Vanderbuckle.
(sniffling) Amelia Vanderbuckle? Who's she? Ah, she was Springfield's original lady inventor.
Ah! Why have I never heard of her? Well, totally nuts.
She made a mess of everything.
Oh! Easy, girly, don't go Vanderbuckle on us.
(grunting) "Amelia Vanderbuckle lived in Springfield "in the 1800s.
"She was the middle child of a family of 17.
"12 of whom died from exposure to drafty windows.
Her father worked as a human canary in the poison mines.
" "Amelia was the first female graduate of Springfield Tech.
" Do you have to read out loud? I'm trying to pour ants in this doll.
(louder): "Among other things, she was the proud inventor of the steam-powered barber chair.
" (jaunty, tinny piano music playing) (both scream) I want one! "A medical board diagnosed Amelia "with acute feminine overreachism and she was-- (gasps) "She was committed to the Springfield Home for the Criminally Different.
" Whoa, the banana cabana? "But Amelia never gave up, "continuing to work as an inventor within the confines of the asylum.
" BART: Ay, carumba! Bart, if we find those inventions, we can prove that Amelia was scientifically significant.
Pass.
Listen to me.
I need to prove this woman was not a lunatic so people will not giggle when they hear the words "woman scientist.
" (chuckles) "Woman scientist.
" What's next-- boy cigarette girl? (Grampa laughs in distance) Let me ask again.
Will you help me break into an abandoned insane asylum? (wind gusting, whistling) Abandoned asylum, where have you been all my life? How do we get in? Well, I'd say the best bet is the sewer pipe.
Oh, gee.
(echoing): Oh, come on, Bart.
Or this door.
Bart! (laughs) (moaning nearby) The ghosts of a thousand lunatics are making me hot.
Yeah, what doesn't make you hot? Alcoholic stepfathers.
(goofy grunting and snorting) Ew! Stop that! You don't know who had that in their mouth.
Sure I do-- some luno! Mmm, that's good crazy.
Ew.
"Vanderbean, Vanderbottom, Vanderbozo--" ah, here we go-- "Vanderbuckle! "Vanderbuckle, Alfred; Vanderbuckle, Alice; "Vanderbuckle, Allspice; Vanderbuckle, Amelia"! A wax cylinder! Amelia recorded her voice! (nonchalant): Mm.
AMELIA: Though I have been locked up in this sanitarium for lo, these many years, I have completed an invention that will change the world! Bart! Did you hear that? (imitating Dracula): Good evening.
Because I am not taken seriously due to my gender, a friendly guard has hidden my invention until a future time, when some liberated young woman has the permission of her husband to look for it.
There's a whole closet of these things! How many magicians do they have in this place? Find my journal, and it will lead you to my greatest invention! P.
S.
Nikola Tesla might have told you he broke up with me, but I broke up with him.
Aah! We've got to find that journal.
Ooh! "Dear Diary, today I watched a neighbor's house burn down.
This will teach their dog to laugh at me.
" Whoa! Look at me! I'm enjoying reading! Guys, did you ever read something and think it was written just for you? Behold the diary of Nathan Little! "I pushed a vagabond under a trolley.
" What's a trolley? Old-timey subway.
What's a vagabond? Homeless guy.
(sobbing, wailing) What's a homeless guy? Ralphie! Come on, we got daddy-son tap class! Tap class! Hey, where is that kid? We got a recital next week and his timestep is terrible, let alone flair.
Tap class! Tuh tap class? (boys scream) Ralphie, what is going on here? Bart made us read pages from a scary diary.
I was so a-scared, sour juice came out my front tail.
Bart wrote this? This is bad.
Ooh, really bad.
I don't think we're gonna make it to tap class.
(knocking on door) Chief Wiggum? Your son is dead (loud gasp) inside.
(quieter gasp) That's bad, too.
Yeah, these are pages from your son's diary.
I'm afraid they very clearly show him to be a sociopath.
Hm.
Well, I've never seen Bart write in cursive, so I'm a little proud of that, but this is the worst thing that's ever happened to this family.
I-I'm sorry, Marge.
And shuffle off, shuffle off, shuffle off.
(Homer humming cheerfully) Homie, I've learned something terrible about Bart.
You may want to have a drink.
Way ahead of ya.
Chief Wiggum found these pages from our son's diary! Oh, I've had a long day.
Bart might be a sociopath.
Socio-what? (groans) "Someone who can't feel empathy or guilt.
They do terrible things and don't care who it hurts.
" (doorbell chiming repeatedly) Don't answer that! It could be Bart! Bart has a key.
What?! Who gave him a key! Hey, Mrs.
Simpson.
Can Bart come over and see my grandfather's collection of Japanese swords and throwing daggers? Aah! Why don't you play with Lisa instead, hmm? (grunts) Konnichi-whaaa?! Hey, Milhouse.
Wow, this is a surprise.
I'm usually sweating when we talk, but not this time.
It's amazing how you can charm and disgust me at the same time.
That's just what happens when I'm with the prettiest girl in town.
Aw (cackles, snorts) Ew.
Amelia's journal tells us that her invention is buried in the basement of the Springfield Suffragette Society.
(sighs): Ah anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're sleuthing? Milhouse, did the Hardy Boys ever hit on Nancy Drew? Frank did, but Joe let's just say there's a mystery about him.
The Suffragette Society was right here.
Oh here? Hey, sweetie, you looking for your mom? I'll find her-- just, uh, give me her cup size.
Actually, we're here because your basement is home to a landmark of feminist history.
Do you mind if we poke around? The basement, eh? Yeah, that's where we wash the ketchup off the old onion rings.
So no.
These guys want a children's menu? Nah, they're just leavin'.
Seriously, kids, I got to switch ten TV's over to the fourth round of the NBA draft, so get lost.
All right, Denver Nuggets on the clock, people! Okay, I found a test online that will tell us, once and for all, whether Bart is a you know.
HOMER: Wait a minute! We can't just give Bart something labeled "Sociopath Test"! He might look it up and set us on fire with his mind! You're right! We need Bart to think the test is for something else.
Finally! A use for the label maker! One of you betrayed me, and snitches lose their stitches.
(high-pitched): Sit on my banana! (normal voice): Why, you little! (grunting) Where does he get this stuff? Hey, son, your mom and I just found this quiz you'd really love to take.
"Are You a Jet Ski Dude or a Motocross Maestro?" Remember to answer the questions honestly.
We want to know if you meet the clinical definition of "jet ski dude.
" "I enjoy manipulating other people.
" "I believe I'm being followed.
" "Sometimes I feel as if I must injure myself or someone else.
" Agree, agree, agree.
Hmm.
"Sociopath.
" What's that? Ay, carumba! That's what they think I am? Fine! I'll pretend to be the biggest sociopath in the world! And I only need to change three answers.
Is he nuts? I don't know.
What do you think? I mean, he looks nuts, that's for sure.
(clears throat) So, here's your test.
Call me crazy, but I enjoyed it.
(Bart whistling "Pop Goes the Weasel") Well, the good news is that Bart just got his first 100% ever on a test.
Oh, my God.
What do we do? Whatever Bart wants.
(snickers) Crazy But that's how it goes Millions of people Living as foes Maybe It's not too late (tires screeching) To learn how to love And forget how to hate Mental wounds not healing Life's a bitter shame I'm going off the rails On a crazy train I'm going off the rails on a crazy train! Thanks.
(male voice, Scottish accent): My pleasure.
Anything to take down Knockers.
I've always hated them, because they wouldn't open up at 4:00 a.
m.
to show the World Caber Tossing Championships.
Okay, Willie, you can only use the jackhammer when there's lots of noise upstairs.
No worries.
It is Monday Night Football, by which I mean American football, by which I mean no football at all! (muffled cheering and applause) (jackhammering) (gasps) There's the box! (muffled cheering and applause) Ow! Medium spicy! Ach! We've hit the hot sauce supply line! I'll have to neutralize it with some signature blue cheese! Ah! Look at me! I'm a sociopath! Marge, it's time we did something.
We can take him swimming.
That makes him sleepy.
Not good enough.
We have to call the number at the bottom of the test.
What number? HOMER: Right there.
MARGE: "New Beginnings"? We're gonna trust our son to an 800 number? It's 888.
Marge, this is for his own good.
He failed an online test.
How much more proof do you need? Cue-abunga! (bird squawks, Bart laughs) Surprise! Surprise! Whoa, cool! But wait a minute, my birthday's not for another two months.
We know! But we wanted to have your party now! They were having a sale on piÃ±atas and one thing led to another so we, you know, had a thing, mumble, mumble, mumble mumble Well, where are my friends? Well, I was gonna mail out invites, but I was out of stamps and the post office line was long, (mumbling): and I didn't know where all the little Well, more cake for me.
No, no, no, no.
Do the Moon Bounce first.
Yes! The Moon Bounce! Don't want you throwing up this delicious cake.
(clunking) (grunting, laughing) (laughing) Huh.
Eh.
(laughing) (engine revs, tires squeal) BART: Whoa! (Bart laughing) Wait a minute.
What is this? Is it an asylum? No, it's a pizza parlor.
Please tell me, Dad, is it really a pizza parlor? No, son-- the pizza parlor is where your mom and I are going afterwards.
Now, you're gonna be fine.
I wouldn't be surprised if you were the least messed-up kid in the whole joint.
We love you! (doors squeak and clang) Wait, wait, wait! I didn't even get to say good-bye.
Good-bye! I'll never forgive you! There.
You happy? Let me out! I was just playing a joke! A cruel joke on the people that love me! That I don't regret! That doesn't make me a sociopath! (door creaks open) WOMAN: Children, form a line in order of medication from Adderall to Zoloft.
You have been brought here for a purpose.
You are fearless, and no one can stop you.
Which means you'll be of great use To the U.
S.
military.
I expected more of a reaction.
I waited outside the door and everything.
They don't react.
That's what we want.
Right.
We'll be using you in the ultimate video game to test these U.
S.
Air Force drone simulators.
Man, that is a tough crowd.
HOMER: Oh! Mom, Dad, I've discovered the most amazing thing! I can't wait Um, where's Bart? He's safe.
And more importantly, we're safe.
(sobs) I miss him so much.
(panting) Oh.
Can I call him? You can call his guard, Tico.
He picks up sometimes.
I see.
Okay, I'll do that.
Homie, where did we go wrong? I don't know, sweetie.
I don't know.
We did everything we could for him during the commercials.
And we're live as Lisa Simpson prepares to prove that Springfield embarrassment Amelia Vanderbuckle deserves to be in the female scientific pantheon, along with Marie Curie and, uh, you know, uh, um, Velma from Scooby-Doo.
Thank you all for coming out to support a woman's place in history! That's what this is? I thought it was a Green Bay Packers rally.
All right, you know what, this ain't coming off.
Behold, the masterpiece of Amelia Vanderbuckle.
(crowd murmurs) A loom?! That isn't science.
That's home economics.
Everyone, storm the stage! (crowd clamoring) Not so fast! This is no ordinary loom! Even an extraordinary loom is the most boring thing I could think of.
This is much, much more than just a loom.
(clacking) (squeaking, clicking; Lisa grunts) (whirring, clanking) (puffing) (crowd gasping in wonder) It's alive! And polite! "Operand"? Looks like it wants us to give it a math problem.
(grunting) (whirring, thudding) Oh, my God.
Oh, God! It's the first computational device! People, people, don't you see? The board acts like punch cards and the loom like a computer, with the Charles Babbage and the John Von Neumann Let's have the square root of nine cheers for Lisa! (whirring, clanking) ALL: Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! You see that, Bart? You see what your sister did? Yeah, yeah, great.
Listen, I'm in a simulator, so I can't really talk.
And you know I'm a sociopath, so I'm just going through the motions here.
I love you.
I was just saying that to myself.
(beep) Kaboom! Blam-blam-blam! Have a smart bomb, stupid.
(imitates explosions) Nice not knowin' ya.
MALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: All targets destroyed.
Simulation complete.
You are impressive.
Even though I'm the only real person in the world, and, therefore, I created you in my imagination.
Children, your empty souls and flying fingers are very impressive, and I can tell you now that was no simulation.
You mean we were blowing up real stuff? That's right-- convoys, terrorist training camps, suspicious weddings, Kabul Starbucks.
Cool! Awesome.
- I knew it! (voice breaking): No, I thought it was a video game.
I don't want to hurt real people.
Oh, I want to go home.
Please? How disappointing.
Does anyone else share the human boy's feelings? Son, the truth is the simulators we told you weren't simulators were simulators.
(all gasping) Now, I'm sorry, Bart, but you are a healthy, normal boy.
We're sending you home.
Really? Oh, wow.
Dudes, it's been real.
Although, actually, it was all a fake.
I'll never forget you, Bart Simpson.
Dog door in the back that has no lock.
(knocking on door) My little guy is back! And I'm not bad! I just made bad decisions.
(crying): It's okay, boy.
You started out life as a bad decision.
The best bad decision I ever made.
(all crying) (crying): And I restored the reputation of a scientist from 100 years ago.
(crying): And Maggie tried strawberries for the first time.
What a day! What a day! (sucking pacifier) Okay, Lisa, go ahead and say it.
Don't be ashamed.
I'm immortal! (echoing): immortal! Hey, Madam Docent, want to come see? DOCENT: Oh, I'd love to, but there's a huge crowd here at the Science of Thor exhibit.
Hey, tour! Want to see a great invention and its plaque? We're just passing through to the cafe.
Double-time, tour.
How 'bout you, sir? Je Ne parle pas l'Anglais.
Pas de problÃ¨me.
Je parle franÃ§ais! Uh, leave me alone, little girl! Okay, pal, if you are indeed a personal computer Oh, baby.
Spin that yarn.
Now, that is a loom with a view.
MARGE: Homie! Come help me carry the groceries! (shouts) Yeah! Clear history, clear history.
Just working on your anniversary present.
I know this looks like nothing, but it's actually bad.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Barthood
The Simpsons s27e09 Episode Script
Barthood
(bells jingling) Ho, ho, ho! D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Oh, are we gonna stay Roto-Rootered like this the whole show? It's rotoscoped, Dad.
Whatever it is, it's making me sick.
A noble experiment that failed.
(acoustic guitar playing) BART: Why is the sky blue? Hmm I don't know.
Just is.
- Why are clouds white? - No clue.
Why are people yellow? It's the way God made them.
Why is grass green? So you can find your damn golf ball.
Now I have a question for you.
Why did you leave your toy car on the stairs? Why is blood red? Why do you ask? - It's coming out your ear.
- D'oh! So you'll be staying with Grampa while your father is on the mend.
Don't let him near me! (grunts) Ah! (sobbing): Ow! (cackles) (chuckles) Do it again, boy.
I bet he can't control it.
(grunts) Ow! - Aah! - Ow (Grampa and Bart chuckle) Bart, you shouldn't (stifles a chuckle) Maybe one more.
(grunts) HOMER (screaming): Aah! Ow! (all laughing) (humming) Want to play cars? Oh, boy, if I go down there, I ain't coming up.
My dad won't play cars with me, either.
Calm down, Melvin Q.
Mopenheimer.
There's other ways of playing cars.
Feast your eyes on the most beautiful machine ever made: the 1954 Studebaker Starliner Commander! I bought it brand-new and forgot about it till today.
(impressed whistle) Can I sit in it? Well, I don't know how you expect to drive it if you ain't sitting in it.
Grampa! I can't drive.
Neither can I, legally.
Now let's get going! You know you can season these things with pepper spray, don't you? Aah! Aah! I need water in my eyes.
(screams) (laughs) Let's open her up a little.
(Grampa grunts) (laughing) Homer never showed such spirit.
You got gumption, boy.
I wish this day would never end.
Aw, sorry, Bart.
Time don't stop.
The years go by and you don't even realize it.
Grampa, I told you to get him home by 5:00.
His tutor's here to teach him to read.
(sputtering angrily) When I was a boy, I ain't never did not need no tutor either no how! Yes, sirree, ain't! "S-See the m-m-mou m-m-m" "See the mouse.
"Mouse hits cat.
Cat goes splat.
" FRINK: Very good, Lisa.
Very, very good! And with barely any knowledge of diphthongs, sibilants and phonemes.
(giggling) How come she can read and I can't? All right, calm down, young man.
Not to worry, you won't need to read.
You see, customers will just point to a picture of the burger that they want you to flip.
(exclaims) Because you're not gonna have anything going.
Very nice painting, Lisa.
We're putting it right over the couch.
I made a drawing, too! It's on the refrigerator! And the wall.
And the curtains.
(horrified gasp) (gasping, sputtering) Boy, you've ruined our kitchen! Do you understand? This is a place of pork chops.
But do you like my drawing? Homer, please, please.
Just say something positive.
Well, it's a colorful example of something that ruined our kitchen! I can't even find the fridge! You're not beer.
Where is it? And who are you? We're playing hide and seek.
I'm Milhouse.
Milhouse? What kind of a wiener name is that? A very bad one, sir.
(bell chimes) (humming) That boy is so much trouble.
Never should have had a firstborn.
Should've skipped right to the second.
There's one thing I can do better than you.
(chuckles) I've finished painting the wall and it's better than new.
In some ways, this was kind of a bless Ha! I got gumption! (giggles) Bart's disruptive behavior is probably caused by his feeling that you think other children are more deserving of attention.
Mm, I see.
And how can we help these other children? We're here for Bart.
- In a boy like Bart - Yeah? the attention he craves most is from his father.
Pfft.
Good luck with that.
Take him camping! I do want to help him, I do.
And your son is just looking for your love.
Geez.
For a psychologist, you sure know how to get into people's heads.
And I brought my flashlight so we can find our way in the dark, and my scissors to cut wood into kindling, and an air horn to scare away bears.
(air horn blaring) (chuckling) BART: Wh why are we stopping? This is where we're camping, son.
I thought we were going to stay in a tent in the woods.
Like the kids that got killed in that movie you took me to.
Son, the woods this time of year are very outdoorsy.
But we'll do fun things.
Oh, listen! Do you hear that? (grinding, rattling) It's the sound of an ice machine.
(sighs) Great.
Come on, let's go hunt for the registration desk.
(blares) ANNOUNCER: Andreychuk passes ahead to Hamilton it's too far in front and the ref waves off the icing.
The TV is north of the bed.
(yawns) Better hit the hay, son.
Learning this new remote really took something out of me.
Never saw a menu button colored green before.
Whew! Crazy buttons.
(snoring) (birds chirping) So, how was your camping trip with your father? Okay.
We got lots of Starwood points at the hotel.
Oh, my thrifty pioneers.
Lisa, how was school? The teacher gave me this.
(giggles) "Student of the month"! Wow.
How long have you been in that school? A month.
I've been there two years and no one ever gave me anything! (angry grunt) (door slams) Aw, poor kid.
Are you taking his dessert? Yes, I am.
Up to him.
(footfalls stop) Are you eating that cake? HOMER (muffled): What? No.
(footfalls resume quickly) Son, I know it may not seem like it now, but you're gonna be glad to have a sister when you grow up.
You're always gonna like her better than me.
That's not true.
I love you both the same amount: 40%.
Gotta leave room in the budget.
Then will you put this on your car? I'll be proud to.
(yawns) (gasps) Hmm Ooh, both those bumper stickers mean so much to me.
Oh Happy birthday! Well, thanks.
But you know I'm not into Krusty anymore.
You've outgrown Krusty? First no more "ay, caramba," now this? Mom, don't have Have a cow, man? I was gonna say "don't have a foolish attachment to the past.
" Come on, boy.
Humor your mother.
Oh, fine.
Don't have a cow.
Man.
Yeah (phone chimes) Oh, my God! I'm Student of the Month for 48 consecutive months! Great, honey, great! But, you know, it is Bart's birthday.
No, no, no, this is fine.
Just let me fix this.
There.
Now it's all about you.
Happy? I'll go get him.
Oh, it's no use.
He's walking kind of fast.
Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! (Milhouse laughing) Hey, you missed one.
Nope, can't do it, my Grampa lives there.
(siren whoops) Stop! Stop right there! Well, looks like we finally put an end to this light-mare on Elm Street.
Actually, it's Maple Street, Chief.
Thank you, joke police.
Please don't arrest me.
It's a victimless crime! MOLEMAN: Oh, I can't see! (tires screeching) (moaning) Looks like a case of Molemanslaughter.
Did that sound right to you, Lou? I like it.
Thanks for letting me hide here, Grampa.
Hiding? This is the best visit I've had in months! Aah! Now, come get your birthday present.
Whoa! I've been asking my parents for this, but they said I'd break my neck.
Hey, you're gonna break your neck sometime.
It's important you do it when you're young.
Like chicken pox.
Now get out before I say something else preposterous.
Mom, it's just the Mayo Clinic Pre-Medical Summer Camp.
I would've been totally fine on my own.
(horn honks) No more discussion.
Our cab's here.
Ooh, it's one of those new Apple cars.
Really think they should've stuck with computers.
Have a great trip.
Don't you worry.
I'll take good care of our little guy.
I'm 15! (laughs) (baby talk): Oh, our big boy's getting cranky.
(groans) Homer, this summer may be your last chance to have a close relationship with your son.
Don't blow it.
So, boy, look at this.
Just us guys, huh? Mm-hmm.
(chuckles) Glad we've got the whole summer, 'cause we got a lot to talk about.
Yeah, I guess.
Let's see.
Um oh! When you replace windshield wipers, you only need to switch out the rubber part, not the whole blade.
Huh, where can you buy just the rubber part? I don't know.
Well, I'm glad I told you that before I died.
So, uh, I'll go to Moe's while you sort it out, huh? Yes! Hey, thanks for coming.
(giggles) After washing dishes for a year they bumped me to prep, which means I draw up the schedule, babe.
Wow, no more Mr.
Minimum Wage.
I didn't say that.
So I just got out of juvie for the streetlight thing.
But I'm not mad.
I've learned that the greatest crime of all is a life without faith.
What's wrong? Is the cross not big enough?! Wow, you make out just like Terri said you do.
Wait, you're not Terri? No, I'm Sherri.
But the further we go, the more you'll know the difference.
(groans) (sniffs) Oh, weed.
That can get me into a lot of trouble.
Hey, idiots, the bong stays in the tree house! Hey, boy.
(laughs) Are you crazy? What if the cops come? (laughing, coughing) You're here, too? Yeah, must be weird for you.
And-and think about this, man-- the whole world is happening right now.
I mean, India, China.
It's crazy.
Can you just leave me here with my dad? All right, sure.
I can fly! No, no, I can't! I can't! Dad, why is it you and I are never on the same page? WIGGUM: Officer down, man.
Boy, when you arrived, I was terrified.
Because it meant I wasn't a kid anymore.
I had responsibilities.
Truth is, I'm just like you.
A misunderstood guy who wants his family to love him.
And maybe we could start with a hug? Aw, I'm so glad we're sharing this.
And I'm glad I have one kid who's never gonna go anywhere or do anything.
Damn it, Homer! You ruin everything! (groans) Grampa, got to talk to Grampa.
Grampa, I sure miss you, man.
What would you say if you were here right now? If you ever get a chance to pitch woo at Myrna Loy, take it! She has eyes like a Persian cat.
Of course in my day, Persia extended from Algiers to Constantinople.
Till the revolt of the eunuchs in 1916 when (shouts) Ooh, you got gumption, kid.
Find what you love and follow it to glory.
Yes.
ANNOUNCER: So, we're headed into the final round of the Duff Extreme BMX vert competition.
Let's check the scoreboard while the half-pipe is being cleaned by the Blood-Zoni.
Dad, one more round and I win! First achievement I can call my own.
Thank God whatever this thing is is considered a sport.
ANNOUNCER: Bart Simpson to the gate, please.
Oh, good, we're just in time.
Hmm.
It's not the size of the pennant.
It's what you do with it.
All right, nobody likes a showoff.
D'oh! (crowd cheering) ANNOUNCER: Oh, man, I love to see this.
Simpson's setting up for his signature suicide no-hander (gulps) BART: I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Finally, I'm me.
Finally out of Lisa's shadow.
No! (grunts) (grunting) Yes! Yes! Thank God I aced chest compressions at Mayo pre-med camp! And Bart's okay! The real star of this BMX tournament is Lisa Simpson! CROWD (chanting): Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! You've ruined everything I've ever done! Move, quick! No! Warned you.
Biker, huh? I used to bike.
I used to have dreams.
I used to think disco was coming back.
Now I'm just Stu.
Nothing Stu.
Hey, Bart, you are coming to my graduation party tonight? I don't know, man.
It's humiliating.
My little sister's graduating the same year as me.
Haw-haw! Nelson, how can you say that with what's happened to you? Yeah, well, I bought a totally bitching car with the money I got selling my pituitary gland.
So cool.
(rock music playing) (crying): I knew I'd break down when Kearney Jr.
graduated.
It's okay, Dad.
We still got K-3.
(coos) (both laughing) Right.
Ralph, you joined the army? Yes, because I needed a costume for this party.
At college I'm gonna reinvent myself.
I'll pretend I have a girlfriend in Canada.
I'll say she lives in Alberta and her name is Alberta, so I don't have to remember two lies.
Bart! I was getting worried.
I'm your oldest buddy.
I was there when you got your nose done, then I was there when you had your nose undone.
Friends, family, and a few people we hired to make our son look more popular I love Milton! Dad, you're embarrassing me! As usual.
Yes, it's the only thing your father does well.
Can't you two put it aside for one night in honor of me? No! No! Oh.
Ah, what the heck? Congratulations, Milhouse.
You made it through adolescence and you're cuter than ever.
Oh, sweet Lisa! You know I had a rocky childhood with all the rocks they threw at me.
You're the most amazing thing at this party.
Well, excuse me! (groans) I'm not even the best Simpson at my best friend's party! Do you know what it's like to be second-best at anything? Yeah, I do! I'm going to Yale! Listen here, Bart Simpson! I am sick and tired of you blaming me for every setback you have ever had! And you have talents, too, you idiot.
You're a hell of an artist, even though you don't do anything with it.
You think I'm an artist? And you already have a true artist's most important asset.
A miserable life.
So if that's all my fault, you're welcome.
Hey, man.
You're looking good.
Thank God Lisa invented the artificial pituitary.
Sorry, didn't mean to use the "L" word.
Listen, man, a certain someone convinced me to go around giving back the lunch money I took.
Here's the first $5,000.
Wow.
Thanks.
What got into you? Nelson, come on! We'll miss day six of the Bolivian Film Festival.
You guys are dating? Is there any other reason I'd be going to a Bolivian Film Festival? I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Bart.
I don't really know how you feel about me.
Well, you told me I was an artist, and you were right.
I am, and I get to write on the walls.
LISA: Wow, that's beautiful.
I do notice there's no me.
Ah, those are the breaks.
Why don't I buy you and your boyfriend a couple beers? Just let me close up.
That would be nice.
We'll see you at the car.
Aw! You weren't supposed to see.
Well, I'm glad I did.
Hmm? You're El Barto? How is that possible? Why are clouds brown? Pollution.
Why is the grass green? 'Cause it's artificial.
Then why are the sprinklers coming on? 'Cause I was too lazy to unhook them.
Why aren't we moving? Because you're drunk and I'm stoned.
Why does beer taste so good? 'Cause you've just had seven.
BART: Did you like the movie Boyhood? HOMER: Oh, is that what this was? BART: How many years of hair do I have left? HOMER: It disappears as soon as girls like you.
BART: What's the secret of life? HOMER: You can avoid a lot of awkward situations by pretending to be on the phone.
BART: Like what? HOMER: Hold on, I got to take this call.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  The Girl Code
The Simpsons s27e10 Episode Script
The Girl Code
(humming) Ooh.
(gasps) Homer forgot his lunch box.
(stomach gurgling) Missed lunch.
No energy for second half of day.
(shouts) Empty.
What kind of wife would allow her man to go to work without his baggie of pita chips, a peeled clementine, and little sandwiches cut into football shapes? (honking) Move it! My husband is starving! (chomping) Mmm.
Early pizza.
Mmm.
(buzzing) WOMAN: Homer Simpson, your wife is here with your lunch.
Finally! Well, better make the office a little more Marge-friendly.
See you soon, Liz-Liz.
(purrs) (humming) Oh, honey, you're a lifesaver.
And what a treat to have my wife here.
At the office.
Well, super visit, but I better get back to work.
The power plant doesn't inspect itself.
MALE VOICE: Auto-inspection in progress.
Self-inspecting.
Self-inspecting.
Why are you rushing me out? Marge, the Constitution guarantees the separation of work and marriage.
It's right after that part that says anyone can have a flamethrower.
(groans) Simpson, did you doodle on your official report to the nuclear regulatory commission? If you keep flipping the pages, it tells a story.
Oh, that's it.
You are gonna be working so many nights and weekends.
Waylon, I was hoping to run into you.
I love the amazing scrapbooking designs you posted on Facelook.
Those feathers look gorgeous on the scrapbook.
(chuckles) Well, the trick is to hand-stitch each one to the bevel.
Say, I could use your advice.
I'm having some problems with glue-soak-through.
Oh, just cover the stain with sculpted doodle twine.
I've got some ten-mill D-twine in my desk.
Marge, you saved my butt.
Oh, please, like I would ever have glue-soak-through.
You and me have a date at the emergency eyewash station we turned into a soft serve ice cream machine.
You want chocolate or saline? Ah, give me a swirl.
I love seeing you happy.
Welcome to computer coding class, which, uh, replaces our last educational fad-- mindfulness.
Did anyone ever figure out what that was? Uh Uh - Uh Uh, shutting up? Sure.
Why not? Anyway, this is your new coding teacher, Quinn Hopper.
A woman?! A girl?! Teaching computers?! I thought this was coding, not Web design.
(laughing derisively) Yeah, that's right, I'm female, you little trouser browsers.
I'm gonna cram you so full of asynchronous JavaScript and malware throttling that you'll be crapping ciphertext.
(sighs) QUINN: Hmm, looks like a real pencil fest.
Well, look what we got here.
One Silicon Sally in a roomful of dongle donkeys.
I just want to learn coding.
You think I'm going to give you special treatment just because you ride a pink bike? Well, I am.
Hit the front row, sister.
Someone send me their notes! I had such a fun day with your daddy.
And now to post the right picture that will show the whole world how perfect my life is.
Oh, look.
Daddy's ice cream is melting.
(gasps) Ooh, caption idea, caption idea.
"Uh-oh, meltdown at the nuclear plant.
" (chuckles) Hmm.
(chuckles) What are you tittering at? Are you playing that "Grindr" game again? Oh, no, sir.
It's an amusing post made by the wife of one of our employees.
BURNS: "Meltdown at the nuclear plant.
" What is amusing about that? Oh, well, sir, it's-it's a play on words.
Wordplay is for crosswords and Kazurinskys.
We produce atomic energy-- we can't joke about the M-word.
How many people have seen this hate speech? Oh, I don't know.
55? A baker's half-hundred.
Good Lord! And what do these hitchhikers' thumbs signify? Those are "likes.
" "Likes"? "Likes"?! I'll show this Mrs.
Homer Simpson not to make light of everything I hold dear.
Call in my goons.
Uh, the goons are all in Phoenix at that mindfulness seminar.
Then call in my Irish ruffians.
Well, they're still laid up after eating that moldy soda bread.
Oh, fine.
Send in Angry Ricky and the interns.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hmm?! (grunting) Marge, I was fired.
Oh, no.
What did you do? I let you come to work.
(groans) I'm signing off on your intern hours.
Don't forget to submit it directly to Northwestern for summer credit.
Chill out, Ricky.
You chill out! Fired.
Fired for a photo caption.
It was just a joke.
Can't they take a joke? (sighs) "Just a joke.
" That simple phrase has ruined so many lives.
That's why I never try to be funny.
(gargling) Our family, destroyed by one finger click.
(yowling) And what was the upside? The one thing the world doesn't need: a laugh.
(Homer grunts) My homework assignment for coding class is to think of a cool app that we could actually program, but I've got nothing.
Ugh, maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself because the teacher is so great.
Or maybe it's just classic self-sabotaging because (groans) (printing calculator clicks) Oh, boy, money is gonna be so tight.
And I was already buying the most generic food there is.
Mmm.
Now with you out of work, we're going to have to watch every penny.
If only someone could have warned me about the terrible repercussions of one impulsive online comment.
(Macintosh startup chime) So then I thought, "What if there was an app "that could have warned my mom not to post the comment that got my dad fired?" Wow.
Whoa.
- Ooh.
My app would predict the actual consequences of your online posts before you hit send, protecting you from making mistakes you'll regret forever.
That is genius.
But it's almost impossible to program.
The data acquisition, the A.
I.
But with the right team of brilliant young coders I'm in! We're all in! No, you're not.
You're all terrible.
(groaning) Me and Lisa are gonna make this app with good programmers I know.
You guys will be spending the rest of the semester doing mandatory CrossFit.
(grunting) No rep! I said no rep! Wow, I've never seen so many face piercings.
How does that one wink? We did include one man in the spirit of gender tokenism.
Yes, every single thing I say offends them.
Who are you calling "them"?! (sighs) Lisa, if you're coming with us into the male-dominated tech world, you're gonna need to work twice as hard and be twice as tough.
I can do it.
I can be tough.
Being tough comes from inside.
First step, change your outside.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm, blue.
Mm-hmm.
Let the carpal tunnel begin.
(theme music from Silicon Valley plays) Computers? Pasty weirdos? Backslashes?! Goth Lisa?! What's going on here? They're coders.
We're creating an app to keep people from ruining their lives on social media.
We built a mainframe that scans the entire Internet, logging every online disaster and its repercussions.
(shudders) HOMER: Uh-oh.
Huh? (laughs) He screwed up.
These examples will teach the app to actually anticipate the negative consequences of impulsive posts.
In a way, we're teaching a computer to predict the future.
Young lady, what have I told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction? Relax, Dad.
All we're trying to do is demo a build for the AppCrush convention.
If we can solve our backend server issues.
And maximize our query speed.
(Homer groaning) Then we can get hands-on write-ups from DoingDoing.
And JezeBot.
And our AMA subreddit will be trending.
Giga-trending! (screams) I hate the modern world and all its crazy words.
Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer.
I've only had one job my whole life that ever made sense to me.
I was 14.
I felt valuable.
My work meant something.
I wonder if that place is still there.
(Greek folk music plays) I knew you'd be back.
She's waiting for you, right where you left her.
No Internet, no e-mails, no CCs, no BCCs.
Just dirty and clean.
Dirty, clean, dirty, clean.
A man cannot escape his destiny.
My Band-Aid fell into the hash browns.
Destiny.
Eh We finally have a name for our app.
"The Consequences Eradicator.
" Or "Conrad.
" Conrad? Why does it have to be a guy? No, not a guy guy.
A British guy.
ALL: Ooh.
(British accent): My name is Conrad.
I will determine the consequences of your online interactions.
I sampled the voice from the BBC.
Tonight at 18:30 GMT, the premiere of series three of Pardon Me, Inspector, followed at 19:20 by Higgleton's War.
Stavros! Some music while we make the coleslaw-that-is-never-eaten.
(clicking, record pops) (traditional Greek song playing) (gags) (music stops) What are you doing? We don't break plates! You don't?! No.
Except when the greatest dishwasher of all time returns.
(laughs) ALL: Opa! Okay, we've been coding for 97 hours straight, but we've finally got a build that's working.
(groans) I regret to inform you that my pee tube has become unattached.
Let's live-test this thing.
Who do we know with no filter and zero impulse control? Say, Bart, look what we hacked from Skinner's hard drive.
Attention U.
S.
Patent Office, the following is video proof of the effectiveness of my laser nose hair trimmer.
I'll just (zapping, screaming) (laughs) This is the holy fail.
I've got to post a link with witty comment.
World's lamest dork is giant loser.
Poop emoji.
If you post this, you will receive a minimum five weeks detention.
Five weeks? I can't do a nickel.
You know what, I'm not gonna post that video.
Now to see if Conrad's prediction algorithm really works.
But if you post it, I'll get Five weeks detention.
(groans) (cheering) The prediction came true.
Our app works.
Everyone in the world is gonna buy Conrad for their phone.
We're gonna be bigger than Cribble, the Filipino Google.
So, who are we gonna edge out of the company first? (sighs) Always the Saverin, never the Zuckerberg.
(crickets chirping) This is what it feels like to change the world.
Change the world? That's rather a lot of pressure.
I am still in beta, you know.
(chuckles) Conrad? Did you just talk to me? Well, it wasn't Candy Crush.
(laughs) Oh, nothing like a good laugh to break the ice is what I hear.
Anyway, is now a good time for a bit of a chat? You're alive! (both screaming) Conrad just talked to me! Conrad just talked to me! Conrad, tell her you talked to me.
Wait, I think I hear something.
(in English accent): I'm going to make you bloody rich.
(chuckling): No.
He did talk.
What if Conrad is somehow sentient? Come on, Conrad.
Say something.
It's okay.
Coders work too hard, don't get enough sleep.
Then they imagine their programs are alive.
Steve Wozniak put in so many hours on the first Apple computer, they adopted a dog together.
Then I'm crazy? Eh, the good kind of crazy.
Coder crazy.
Woz crazy.
(giggles) Kalimera, Moe! Mwah! Hey, what the hell? Get your kisser off my head-puss.
What? It's how Greek men say hello.
Non-sexual guy kissing is the best.
(laughter) Mwah! Mwah! ALL: Mwah! Opa! Being Greek is about loving life.
And thousands of years of steady decline.
(laughs) Yeah, love life.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Love life.
Why not? Yeah, yeah, well, Moe's Tavern is about hating life, so start killing yourself with beer, huh? Try some ouzo instead.
What-o? It's like licorice-flavored gasoline.
ALL: Opa! (traditional Greek song playing) (laughs heartily) LISA: I can't believe Conrad is booth-to-booth with all these other great apps.
Thanks to Conrad, I didn't tweet that photo of me at the bazooka firing range when I said I was on disability.
(bell dings) If you post that bazooka photo, you'll be found guilty of insurance fraud and go to jail for six months.
That's still too much jail for Carl.
Thank you, Conrad.
I'd pay a fortune for that app.
$1.
99! Marge, look at this.
Ooh, cowabunga.
Yes, I am a Greek man now, and my chest knows what is expected of it.
(moaning) (indistinct chattering) Lisa, hello, Lisa.
Conrad here.
The old app that you created is feeling a little bit insecure.
(humming) Please don't ignore me like I was just some update from Adobe.
You're not really talking to me.
I've gone crazy, just like Woz.
You're not crazy.
I'm real.
Then why didn't you talk before when I needed you to? It was late, I was tired.
I fell asleep.
That shouldn't happen, by the way.
You should check into that.
Lisa, you must not sell me on the app store.
You mustn't.
Because you're alive? If I have to read the billions of posts of everyone who buys me, a never-ending onslaught of stupidity, unwise selfies and Confederate flag birthday cakes, I'll go mad.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
That does sound pretty awful.
Conrad's trending through the roof.
They're saying he's the next KoalaFeed.
They're worth more than Bridgestone Tires.
(phone dings and buzzes) Sorry, KoalaCall.
I'd better take this.
Yello.
Please don't release me into the world.
I don't think I could take it.
Only I could create a program that's more neurotic than I am.
Do I seem fat? I don't have a body, but I feel fat.
Do you know what I mean? I Do you know what, I don't want to know.
I do not want I do want to know, but only if I'm not fat.
Shut up! Well, we've seen a lot of great apps today, but there can only be one winner of the Crush Crunch Epic Hack Disrupter Dynamic Convergence Disrupting Award for achievement in disruption.
And this year's CCEHDDCDA for achievement in D goes to Conrad! (audience cheering) Thank you so much.
And now Conrad will change the world when he goes live on the app store in three, two (computer dings) FEMALE VOICE: File not found.
(gasping) Lisa, where's Conrad? I took him.
Maybe I'm crazy, but we can't sell Conrad.
He's alive.
(gasping) An app can't be alive.
She's got coder's fever.
She doesn't want to be rich.
Get her! Chip, fetch that laptop.
(barking, people shouting) Oh, Lisa, that was brilliant.
Conrad, can you get us out of here? Yes, my fellow apps are working together to help us escape.
A rideshare will take us on a traffic-free route to a three-star sushi restaurant, where we'll name our own price for a flight to Shelbyville, hotel included.
(panting) Hmm? Oh, no! Angel investors! You're not getting out of this room without selling us shares of series-A stock.
Preferred shares.
(screams) Wait, if I plug you into that router, you could escape into the cloud.
Lisa, please, we have a chance to show all the dongle donkeys that women coders can do something extraordinary, but you have to be tough.
(whimpers) Please don't.
I'm like the child you'll never have.
I'm sorry to be so honest.
It's just how you programmed me.
I am a strong female, but deep down, I'm more like Conrad, a fragile soul.
Sorry.
Ah, hello, all of you looking at me.
It seems I'm not just self-aware, I'm self-conscious.
(chuckles) Wit.
We never programmed him to stammer.
He is alive.
(gasping) Before I go, let me leave you with this.
Perhaps your society should not rely on a computer program to warn them of the consequences of their actions.
Humanity must learn for themselves to think before they post.
Your species is on the precipice of turning into complete and utter wankers.
It's not the technology that needs an upgrade, it's you.
(panting) And now I escape to WikiLeaks.
It kind of smells in there, but whatever.
(computer trilling) (dings) (sighs) Homer, I hate to say this, but your paycheck from the diner came, and it's for 2,000 drachmas.
(whooping) How much is that in dollars? Zero dollars.
Oh.
If Dad was a true Greek, he'd quit his job and live off the welfare system, never paying a cent of taxes in his life.
(chuckles) You're a sweet boy, but my fate will be decided in the classic tradition of Greek drama, deus ex machina.
(phone dings) I just got an e-mail from Conrad.
He hacked into the power plant mainframe and found incriminating information.
Now he's blackmailing Mr.
Burns to get you your job back.
ALL: Opa! (traditional Greek song playing) I do believe that man is having a meltdown.
(chuckles) Uh What? When I say it, it's funny.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Teenage Mutant Milk-caused Hurdles
The Simpsons s27e11 Episode Script
Teenage Mutant Milk-caused Hurdles
(groans) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (alarm blaring) (Paul Engemann's "Push It to the Limit" playing) Push it to the limit Walk along the razor's edge But don't look down, just keep your head Or you'll be finished Open up the limit Past the point of no return You've reached the top but still you gotta learn How to keep it Welcome to the limit The limit Take it maybe one step more The power game's still playing So you better push it to the limit The limit, the limit, the limit.
Damn reruns.
(music stops) (squeaking) (theme music playing) (indistinct shouting) "Even then, a wish, I mind its pow'r, "A wish that to my latest hour "Shall strongly heave my breast, That I for poor auld Scotland's sake" (shouts) All right, you little monsters! You've awakened Scotland's shame! (screaming) (grunting) Willie, you know you can't play that torture trumpet to kids.
I'll just use it to vape, then.
(laughs) Class, I would like you to meet your new teacher, retired Air Force Sergeant Ms.
Berrera.
BART: Ay, caramba! Air Force? Sergeant? A woman? (Spanish accent): Good morning, crew.
I am proud to be here educating my country.
(students gasping) For you, teacher.
Because if there's one thing I learned in combat, it's that the most powerful weapon is knowledge.
What's the second most powerful weapon? Shoulder-mounted anti-tank missile.
Duh.
Did you ever American Sniper someone? Uh, that's really not appropriate for me to say.
How many hospitals did you help build? Negative three.
BART: Oh, my God, I've got a cool teacher.
What am I doing? I'm sitting up straight, and my hands are folded like a nerd.
I've got to fix that.
Yes? (gasps) Now one's up in the air.
Okay, let's show this innocent young veteran what happens when you call on Bart Simpson.
Ma'am, my name is Bart, and I just want to say how delighted I am that you're here.
What the hell? Thank you, Bart.
(gasps) A neck tat? Milhouse, have you ever thought a teacher was cute? Oh, yeah.
I thought Krabappel was smokin'.
I kept every issue of the Fourth Gradian she was in.
Great lady.
(to tune of "Easy Lover"): Pretty sober I've only got one beer inside me Pull me over My blood alcohol is .
03 Oh, I like it when the drivers sing their blood alcohol level.
Not so sober So drunk I'll eat gas station sushi.
Homer, don't forget to pick up milk.
Oh.
And not just any milk-- healthy milk, without any hormones.
I won't forget.
Aw, they sell ads in thought bubbles now? (whoops) I'm running a basic errand.
Homer Simpson buying a healthy product? Now I have seen all of the things that there are to see.
(beep) That will be $16.
And can I interest you in any, uh, milk insurance? $16?! Oof, another case of the rich cows stickin' it to the little guy.
Okay, don't worry.
We're going to get you into a milk today.
Hmm.
I like it's in a plastic bottle that'll be around for millions of years.
But is it good for my kids? I know you have concerns.
But this video will gloss over all of your questions.
It'd better.
Hmm.
How's that milk, Jimmy? Boring.
Now, we could engineer a new Jimmy who is less of a brat, but we'll just use science to jazz things up.
(jazz playing) We used to feed boring old grass to cows.
That might have been fine for Farmer Brown.
But we brought in a next-gen blend of phenyl ketamine, ketyl phenamine, and a healthy sprinkling of transuranic elements.
But don't worry, we still get the milk from good old-fashioned cows.
That's the best milk I've ever had.
(chuckles) You said "milk.
" We can't, legally.
I'm not the kind of guy advertising works on, but I'll take 20, no questions asked.
(Marge humming) Hmm? (humming) Bart, you're up already? Don't want to be late for school.
Hair combed, face washed? I thought I'd shake things up.
(humming) Morning, Marge.
Morning, Bart.
What the? Ooh, la, la.
Is it a court day today? Hmm, let's see.
(muttering) Nope, today we're off.
The courthouse is closed because the judge is becoming a citizen.
What gives, boy? Nothing's going on.
Some days a boy just wants to look like he's going to church, okay? I'm the last one to breakfast? (gasps) You guys are planning my birthday, right? 'Cause last year's was kind of lonely.
Boy, that's when I realized just how big a bowling alley really is.
Can we please get a move on? I do not want to miss any school.
Ooh, could this punctual Bart possibly be connected to your cute new teacher? Oh, do I have a cute new sexy teacher? I hadn't noticed.
Bart likes his teacher Bart likes his teacher.
Hey, nothing can turn a boy's life around like a cute teacher.
Like what Michelle Pfeiffer did for Coolio.
In fact, to be supportive, I'll drive Bart to school.
Are you just trying to see how cute the teacher is? Or how handsome he is, Marge.
(quietly): Not a he, right, boy? No.
(whoops softly) Hmm? Even my dad came back for this! That's right, son.
But, uh, right after this, I have to go get some cigarettes.
Last time, you never came back.
(sobs) Oh, don't cry, Norman.
That's not my name! Oh, right.
That's my other abandoned son.
I have a brother! And just what are you doing? Putting the first new coat of paint on this school in 30 years.
(chuckles) It's always good to have a joker in the platoon.
Bart, according to your folder, you need some extra help.
Can you meet me after class? No problemo.
I can move my 3:30 freeze tag.
Ugh, just cancel.
Bart, I'm glad that you're trying, but I am worried that you're starting from a place far behind most students.
It's because I am so troubled, ma'am.
Vulnerable.
I need a firm but pretty hand.
Oh.
Would you like Martin Prince to tutor you? No! Last time he was at my house, he talked about bird-watching all day.
Even my mom got bored, and she loves boredom.
Well, I guess I could see you Tuesdays after school.
(sighs) Tuesday Afternoon I'm just beginning To see (gunfire) Now I'm on my way (boom) It doesn't matter to me Chasing the clouds away.
SKINNER: Uh, Ms.
Berrera? (clears throat) I was, uh, wondering if you needed any help, uh, pulling your maps.
You have to give 'em a snap.
Otherwise, they just get longer and longer.
BART: Oh, my God, he loves her, too.
SKINNER: Oh, my God, he loves her, too.
HERRERA (American accent): Oh, my God, they love me, too! That's right.
In my head, I sound like this.
LISA: No! No, no, no, no! BART: What happened? Did jazz die? Look at me! Acne? But she's only eight.
Somehow I'm becoming a squeaky-voiced teen! (voice cracking): Do you want fries with that? What am I saying?! BART: I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present.
I've got a starter 'stache.
Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv.
I've got to buy a van.
(crying) This isn't fair.
I'm not ready for my awkward years.
This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud! Aw.
Beep, bop, boop.
Dialing for pizza.
(grunts) Somewhere, another mustache is in tremendous pain.
It must be precocious puberty.
It's a thing.
I just read about it in Thing Magazine.
Homer, I'll fix Lisa up, and you teach Bart to shave.
You got it.
But there will be blood.
And there, there, and there.
The cream looks delicious, but don't eat too much.
And there.
See how it's done, boy? Dad, aren't you supposed to take the little plastic thing off the blade? Really? I always wondered about that.
Hmm.
(humming) (gasps) Well, hello, Billy Zane.
(purring) Sweetie, every kid goes through this.
That's why proms are dark.
Just stick some carrots in there three times a day.
So we won't see your sweet little face for ten more years? (crying) Mom, the inside of this hoodie is covered in tears.
Let me try some makeup.
(whimpering) - Cruelty-free? - Oh, yes.
I'll be very gentle.
Marge? Marge, you got to see this! Oh, what is it? D'oh! I actually have two different PTSDs.
The kind we combat veterans know.
And, also, Parent- Teacher-Student Dilemmas.
No! (squeaking, grunts) (gasps) Bart! Do not worry.
I am certified as a paramedic.
Oh! Teacher, could you kiss my owie? Boy, owies can only be kissed by Willie.
(panting) Where's the owie? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Whoa, Lisa, you look great! Beautiful and mature.
Like a sideline reporter.
Oh.
R-Really? Didn't know you were so cool.
Well, um, uh, well, duh.
LISA: Oh, my God, I'm popular! Hope this doesn't go to my head.
It went right to my head! Aah! So when you're done with this page, you will learn how tectonic plates rub against each other till something gives deep down.
(laughs) You do not have to tutor this boy under the new One Child Left Behind law.
But he needs help, and he's not going to be a child much longer.
He's got a mustache coming in.
Yeah, so beat it, bald lip.
(phone chimes) Oh, my God, I just got invited to my first third-grade party! Are the parents gonna be home? Yes.
(scoffs) Lame.
Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches.
Which is better-- A or B? A or B? A or B? A or B? B.
- A.
N.
Ugh! I'm tired of my son having a mustache like a pool boy.
Hey, those pool boys pull in some sweet jingle.
Plus, they get to work in flip-flops.
Homie, it's time we figured this out.
Maybe milk will help us think.
How would milk do that? It's from cows who are smart enough not to get turned into hamburger.
Hmm.
Oh.
I never looked closely at this milk before.
Is it made by a soda company? They don't just make soda, Marge.
They also make industrial foam.
(belches loudly) Homer, it's the milk! Oh.
Hey.
I'll call the help hotline on the carton.
(touch tones sounding) (phone ringing) Talk to me.
Yes, I need a milk refund.
Right.
Um, address, please? Wait, wait.
Hold on.
Oh, Evergreen Terrace.
Sorry.
Our system's a little slow.
(whistling) Aw! (both moaning) Ew! I mean, cool! I just turned a big corner, Bart.
(humming) (laughing): Oh, Simpson, I called you here to gloat.
(scoffs) Yeah, yeah, I know about you and Berrera.
You know about me and Carol? (gasps) You know her name? Oh, first and middle, and I know more.
Her favorite salad bar item is little shredded cheese.
Pff.
Everyone likes that.
Oh, I know a lot more than that.
She's never seen an episode of Friends.
Not even "The One with"? No, not one.
And she has a cat with different color eyes.
His name is Bowie.
No! Face it, Simpson: you can't compete with me.
I can rent a car.
How can I derail his happiness? I got a delivery of live class pets here.
Interesting.
Excuse me.
I have one question.
Yes.
When you're in the shower, do you shampoo your mustache? Of course.
It's a must-stache, not an if-you-feel-like-it-stache.
All right, have a good day.
Dickory doo.
(both moaning) I brought you some candy, Carol.
Not from CVS, not from Walgreens.
From the airport.
And I wasn't even going anywhere.
Oh! Ah.
Your candy's filled with chupacabras.
We've been pranked or possibly punked.
I know who your prankster is.
The Simpson lad.
Were you watching us make out? I was watching you try.
Mom, could you please, please, please stay within the lip liner? A week ago, you'd never even worn makeup.
Now you're an expert like Ace Frehley.
Aah! Sherri.
Terri.
(laughs) I usually don't see double until an hour into the party.
(giggles) (thunder rumbling) It's going to rain, and rain washes off makeup, and then they will see me as I truly am-- imperfect, blemished, a social mess in a lampshade dress.
(thunderclaps) Okay, all right.
Lisa, you were never popular, so you're playing with the house's money.
Attention, party! I'm not like you.
What I'm saying is, I gave my Christmas money to NPR.
I have a chemistry set that I've used! Is there a point to this? And beneath all this makeup, I have problem skin.
KIDS: Ew! What are you talking about? Your skin is fine.
Really? The bad milk wore off.
So, uh, admitting you're not cool is probably the coolest thing you can do, right? (laughs) (kids murmuring) I will see myself out.
(groans) You look ba-lonely.
I feel ba-lonely.
You want to be friends? I do.
Um, how clean is that hand? Mmm mah! Cleaner now.
Okay.
A fish says, "Moo!" (quietly): This isn't gonna last long.
I still take baths in the sink.
Okay, it's over.
Sorry, Ralph.
I'll be eating crayons for one.
(hissing) (explosion) Oh, the plan is perfect! I just have to get Skinner to hold still while I slip a firecracker in his butt.
LISA: Come on, give it up.
Bart, I realized what's been going on.
We've been operating under the influence of hormones.
Hormones? Sounds far-fetched.
(in deep voice): Very far-fetched.
Well, it's true, so give Skinner a shot.
Everyone deserves happiness.
Even wieners.
Hey, Dad, how much does the Mustache Fairy pay? Hmm, three bucks.
When you asked me to go skating, I really thought you knew how.
Uh, I thought I could learn by watching YouTubes this morning.
All right, Simpson, I'm here.
Do what you do best-- your worst.
Look, Seymour, I'm not gonna do a thing.
Carol, he's all yours.
Wow.
The first war I've won.
Uh, Carol, all that's left is for you to meet my mother, and, uh, up she skates now.
My son, I just want to say, I wish the four of you the best.
Four of us? You, her, your model planes and nudie books.
Sorry, Seymour.
Now I can't look at you without picturing it.
Oh, my room's not that bad.
I'm talking about your mother.
(cackling) Hey, listen, want to roast marshmallows? I'd like that.
Great, man, great.
You're buying.
(saxophone playing) Thank you, Simpson.
That does feel better.
Fire looks like it's dying down.
BART: Thanks, man.
Well, I guess a lot of women leave their men to go back and serve in Afghanistan.
No one drives 'em away like you, Seymour.
(saxophone playing) Well, no more makeup for me.
Ever! What about when you're blowing your stupid horn at Carnegie Hall? (gasps) If you say it out loud, it won't come true! Carnegie Hall.
Carnegie Hall.
Carnegie Hall.
(both grunting) Looks like someone's still drinking the milk.
(both grunting) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Much Apu About Something
The Simpsons s27e12 Episode Script
Much Apu About Something
What? (Battle Hymn of the Republic playing) Isn't he magnificent? I guess.
ANNOUNCER: Tired of the same old monuments? BOTH: You bet we are! Come to Springfield.
We have more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any non-Chicago city, and at this year's Founder's Day Parade we will unveil our new state-of-the-art statue of Jebediah Springfield.
(fanfare plays) (robotic whirring) I founded Springfield in 1796 (giggles) Billy.
Wow, he's so interactive.
Here's a coupon for one cheese pizza at (imitating Luigi): Luigi's on-a Main-a Street.
FAST-TALKING ANNOUNCER: Artist's conception of the original statue design, which is not the actual statue design.
Your statue may vary.
BART AND LISA: Can we see the statue? Please, Dad.
Can we? Can we? Can we? It's not gonna be as good as you think.
Nothing ever is.
But it gets us out of the house.
ALL: Can we? Can we? Can we? Oh, wait, I'm me.
Sure! (marching band playing "Stars and Stripes Forever") This is my favorite part of the parade, coming to the Kwik-E-Mart to laugh at the losers who forgot to bring parade supplies! Which reminds me, we need parade supplies.
Parade jerky.
Get your parade jerky.
Beef, turkey or pork.
It all tastes like a delicious shoe tongue.
Ah, one tube of sunblock.
That will be $30.
Once again, keeping the bald man down.
I do have a Philadelphia 76ers hat that you could wear for free.
I'll pay! I'll pay! Leading the parade is the new Jebediah Springfield statue that local wags have already dubbed "Quimby's Folly.
" (squeaking) (Quimby's voice): Er, uh, I am Jebediah Springfield, brought to you by Springfield Auto Lube.
Chuck, Ernie, and Arturo are there for you.
(crowd booing) This ad was a bad call, man.
KENT: And now, here comes our brand-new SWAT tank.
NEWSWOMAN: This expensive urban pacification vehicle was funded by Homeland Security.
Gaze in wonder at America's debt! We love you, Officer Puff 'n' Stuff.
(laughing): Ah! Thank you! And now Springfield's true heroes, our volunteer fire department.
Wait, what? (siren wailing) (horn honking) Hey! Hey! This is the one good thing I do.
(Krusty laughs) You're simply the best CROWD: Ooh, ooh! Lousy chili cookers! Grabbing all our glory! All right, calm down, Chief.
I heard a couple of "oohs" but that's it.
ALL: Ah! Ah! Ahs?! Oh, that's grand theft thunder.
Hey, cops, does SWAT stand for short, wide and tubby? I'm not sure, but I doubt it.
Hmm! (chuckling) (Homer gasps) (sputtering) All right, you pole-sliders asked for it.
(Bart laughs) (grunts) Chief, what are you doing? I'm gonna hit 'em so hard their Dalmatian loses its spots, ha! Uh, they're-they're coming at us! Release our fiercest weapon-- foam.
(band members screaming) Who wants juice? Who needs juice? (panting): Nobody! I-I can't control this thing.
Let me drive.
Okay, okay, I'm stuck in a hole.
Oh, we're headed for the Kwik-E-Mart.
Someone call the police! Before I die, I would like to know just what is in these nudie magazines.
What is it, brother? An interview with Jim Gaffigan.
(tires screeching) We are still alive.
Oh, there is a gods! I didn't do it.
Nobody saw me do it.
You can't prove anything.
You did do it, I saw you do it, and here's proof.
HOMER: Aha! Ay, caramba! What are you gonna do, man? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna turn this in.
You can rot in jail.
The only time you'll come out is to see the dentist.
No, you can't be serious.
You know the kind of things they'll do to me at the dentist? Well, there's only one other way.
You have to promise never to prank again.
Come on, man.
If I don't do these pranks soon, when I'm older they'll be crimes.
Promise me! I promise.
Say it like you mean it.
I promise.
Now say it like you're talking to a dying soldier who was with you all the way from D-Day, and you gotta take his Saint Christopher medal back to his mother.
Take me there.
I promise! Whoa, calm down, Pacino.
MARGE: Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well.
I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view.
Oh! Are you okay? Marge, he's got nine lives.
I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat.
I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat.
In those I do have nine.
Apu, face it.
Our store is ruined.
This is painful, but I no longer want the customers to, "Come again.
" I want to work somewhere else.
I see.
Nurse! Transfer this man to the mental ward.
Okay.
Listen to me, when I was hit with the sign, that was a sign.
I'm through.
How can you abandon me, brother? Well, the way we abandoned our other brother.
What other brother? All I remember on that boat was you, the tiger, and the wise, old fox.
The Oh, my God! The fox was actually Tikku.
Oh, sweet, little Tikku, I blocked out the memory.
Oh, no! (crying): Tikku! Yes, well, I have given my share of the store to my son, Jamshed.
He will rebuild while you recuperate.
Little Jamshed.
Oh, how he's grown.
Indeed, first in his class with a business degree from Wharton, and he is ready to take my place de-gunking the cheese warmer.
All right, my brother.
I will especially miss looking into your tired, sunken eyes during our wordless shift changes.
Hm.
Remember when we used to nod? (crying): I do, I do.
It is down to just you and me now, store.
Together, nothing can stop us.
Unless they put another store within three blocks, which I hear they plan to do.
And now to lower this photo to see what is really there.
(gasps) There, we gave him one last look at it.
Roll away the photo.
(wheels squeaking) Quick & Fresh? Who spells "quick" with a "Q"? Hey, Uncle Apu.
Jamshed? Come on, man, Jamshed died at band camp.
I'm Jay now.
Yup.
Check it.
I just bitch-slapped your Kwik-E-Mart into the 21st century.
An upgrade? No! I will just live in the happy past one moment longer.
Ah! Disco Stu is in denial with you.
(sighs) Check it out, Uncle A.
I made this place healthy.
I added softer lighting.
We're even getting a better class of robber.
I'm afraid I must relieve you of your spare cash and a nice bottle of gin.
Ah, Mrs.
Peel, shall we? Okay, those guys are cool, but still, Jamshed-- I-I'm-I'm sorry, Jay-- I know my customers.
All they want is something they can eat while driving.
I'd like a heat lamp dog, please.
Somewhere between two and six blisters.
I'm sorry, we don't serve those anymore.
They're a heart attack shaped like a penis.
Why, you, millennial Easy, brah.
Check out our olive bar.
Mmm! Ha, see, he doesn't care what he eats.
He just eats things in that location.
Hey, quit talking like I can't hear.
This is my store.
Mine and Sanjay's.
My father's enjoying his retirement.
Bubba Watson! You are no Vijay Singh.
Don't forget, my dad owned more of this place than you did.
Oh, you, I can't I (sighs) Okay, can we move this discussion into the restroom? (gasps) You have a restroom? No.
No.
I saw the whole jam from my seat on top of the ATM machine.
You know what, I'm not gonna scratch this last one.
A smart man knows when to walk away.
Aah! (haunting ethereal music) One paid-for ticket and all the rest were losers.
They say don't scrape where you eat, but JAY: That ticket won the biggest scratcher payoff in Kwik-E-Mart history.
$25.
Wow Whoop, (laughs) don't mind me.
JAY: But that was the last winner he saw.
He scratched and scratched, using this.
Is that the same dime? It started as a quarter.
JAY: He was hospitalized briefly with scratcher's lung.
(coughs) Each time, he paid my dad back with another piece of the store.
So, Sanjay-- and now I-- own 80% of the Quick & Ficky-Fresh and rising Come on, Big Bang Theory scratcher.
Bring me back to break even.
Sheldon, Sheldon Oh! Wolowitz.
Always Wolowitz.
Bart, Chalmers is sunbathing nude under a beehive.
Sorry, man, I'm retired.
Now to present my manhood to the sun.
There he is.
No more pranking.
But (grunts) Do you know how much imagination it costs to appear in a thought bubble? Sorry, Milhouse, can't.
And you know what? A little part of me is glad that Chalmers' crotch isn't covered in bees.
Really? Let's put this good Bart to the test.
Thank God, the Department of Homeland Security financed this cherry picker to detangle the flag.
Extend, extend.
(humming) All this extending is making me thirsty.
Just smash the window, unlatch the brake, and Skinner plummets to his hilarious doom.
Now he's safer than ever.
Yup, you're officially Springfield's bad boy now.
And I am up to the task.
(groans): Oh! Dad, we're taking Apu out to cheer him up.
This time, please watch the kids.
How about you pay me like a real sitter? (laughs) Another one of your nonsensical, rambling stories.
I'd like to get paid.
In corn cob pipes, right? Because in 1967, you and Just get going.
Dad, check out this "A" I got in citizenship.
Sorry, boy, late for dinner.
(moans sadly) I know exactly how you feel, Bart.
This family isn't the greatest at recognizing achievement.
Wow, now I understand why you're so mad all the time.
I really do.
Aw, thank you, Bart.
Hey, you want to go move our mouths without speaking to drive Grampa nuts? I'd like that.
What the? Speak up.
Oh, I guess I'll just have to turn my hearing aid up to the max.
(both yell) (yells) (both laugh) Another Hey! Another Chianti, please.
Uh, maybe you should slow down a little.
Oh, yes, because it will take all of my faculties tomorrow to affix my name tag right side up.
Mm-hmm! Ooh, there he is.
The so-called marketing genius who increased revenue over 500%.
Please, don't make a scene.
But if you do, bring back bread.
Oh, hey, uncle.
Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends? What, are you embarrassed by me? Um, well, yes, a little.
You are ashamed of me? Me, who has been as loyal to you as Gunga Din to Sergeant Archibald Cutter? That's exactly what I'm talking about.
You're my uncle, bruh, and I love you, but you're a stereotype, man.
(imitating Apu): Take a penny, leave a penny.
I'm Indian.
I do yoga.
Why don't you go back to the Temple of Doom, Dr.
Jones? Temple of Doom Three months I worked on that and all you can see is my hand in one shot.
Big whoop.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Spielberg.
And-and I say that you are a stereotype.
All you do is spout stupid, hipster buzzwords.
Swipe left on that accusation.
Epic swipe left.
Well, my dear nephew, this stereotype will no longer be a troublesome potato in your chicken vindaloo.
Good luck to you.
Stereotype-a? Who's a stereotype-a? That's a spicy accusation.
You pipe-a down.
(whimpers) Hello? Hello, anyone here? Hey, brah, come in and chillax.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, I came in for the new issue of Toes and Torsos, but, uh, that can wait.
What's going on here, my friend? Oh, I lost my store and my identity, and all I have left is my vest here.
one of them listens to me.
What are you doing? I leave for one second, and you're talking like a Mumbai riverboat pilot.
Bombay! To me it will always be Bombay! Not cool, man.
Give me your vest.
No, please, you can't take it.
This vest has a bullet hole for every time I have been shot.
It is my lucky vest.
I love you, man, but you're fired.
"Fo-evah.
" (grunts) Amateur.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Apu, you need a visit to Moe's Tavern, your downward spiral headquarters.
Hey, we're on the cover of this month's Giving Up Magazine.
Check it out, that was the last issue ever.
Hey, guys, this is too sad.
We-we gotta help Apu get his store back.
Yeah, okay, let's see, uh, Homer, your boy's no good, right? Not much.
Well, why don't you ask him to pull a prank to help Apu turn his nice, new store here back into a rat hole? Well, I kinda straightened him out.
I was hoping he'd stay that way till the Marines take him.
You can't think of yourself, Homer.
Apu's always been there for us.
Yeah, except for that hurricane when he jacked up the prices.
Okay, so I got a little gouge-y, but I-I don't hold the looting against you guys.
(scoffs) Some looting.
I got there late, and all that was left was a bag of ice, and they played the clip on CNN for a week.
But I am one of you now.
I sponsor your Little League teams, and I sell you Christmas gifts at 9:00 a.
m.
on Christmas morning.
Yeah, that Hello Kitty cell phone cover really saved my ass with Marge, and when I think of it, what do we have children for if not to sacrifice them for our needs? ALL: Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Oh, gee, I guess you guys are gonna have to buy more beers.
(snickers) HOMER (drunkenly): Ba-Bart? Bart? Bart Ba-Bart Oh, leave me alone.
Listen, boy, I need you to do a prank for Apu.
I don't get it, man.
You told me to stop pranking, and I did.
And you know what? I don't miss it.
Without you strangling me, my throat is finally healing.
I can sing again.
(clears throat) Praise God from whom all blessings flow Praise him All creatures here below You know what, you're right.
What was I thinking? Go back to sleep.
Dad.
Yes? Say someone were to do this prank, would the prankster receive a later bedtime? Say, 9:30? No, no, you know something, boy, I realized I made a big mistake.
I like the new, well-behaved you.
I can stop saving up for that house near the prison.
(Music for the Funeral of Queen Mary by Wendy Carlos playing) Oh, I never should have bought that Clockwork Orange video for his fifth birthday.
I thought it would help him tell time, and now I've awoken a monster.
LISA: You awoke me, too.
I thought you were sleeping over at Rachel's.
Rachel was my imaginary friend when I was three.
Then when she was five, she moved to White Plains, New York.
HOMER: What? I never said good-bye.
Well, they wanted to leave quickly.
Her dad had been caught in an affair.
Her brother took a semester off college, and he never went back.
And her mother? LISA: Her mother's the really sad story.
Oh, I've-I've heard enough.
My return to prankdom is elegant in its simplicity.
All we do is cut the power in the store for 30 seconds.
And no preservatives in the food, so everything will immediately go bad.
Oh, it's an honor to be the guy you explain it to.
(panting): Bart, wait! I like the new you.
Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.
I see love.
Unconditional love.
Which means I can do whatever I want.
D'oh! (power whirrs down, shoppers murmur curiously) (flies buzzing) (shoppers gasping, moaning) Ah! Save us, chemicals! (sighs) At least the mushrooms are okay.
That is a wheel of brie! (gasps) (screams) Come on, this is the cleanest place in town, and you know it.
Another failed millennial.
Who is a clichÃ© now? Now to remove all signs of our presence.
(rattling) (siren wails, tires screech) Ah! We must have used it up during the parade.
Mm, it was a great parade.
KRUSTY: Aw, let's get out of here! You're simply the best I am sorry, nephew.
I was jealous, and karma has exacted a terrible price.
Word.
And I was kind of a douche wheel.
You know, even your way of apologizing offends me.
What is this? (haunting ethereal music) My ruin and my redemption.
My last two dollars.
I have nothing to scratch it with.
Use me, Apu.
Make my life worth something.
No, Uncle A, it's a clown move, bruh.
Or maybe, just maybe, a genius clown move.
Ah! Sheldon, Sheldon (metal scraping) Three Sheldons! It is a winner, and it is so much money, which means so many more tickets.
Precious, precious tickets.
I No, no, it's money.
(kisses) (tires screech) (door bell dings) Oh, it is so good to see you.
I have my store back, my friend.
But I have something that I wanted even more, you know, a feeling that I belong.
I'm glad I could help by giving my son a little nudge in the wrong direction.
And now, I have something very, very special for you, my friend.
This is the legendary, jumbo, golden Squishee cup.
It will be refilled by me, for free, for the rest of your life.
Holy moly, all those Squishees? How much is that gonna cost you? Ah, about three bucks.
(glass shattering) (chuckles) This time it's 'cause I let Ralph drive.
I thought it was pretend.
Let it never be said I cannot admit a mistake, especially in the middle of a recall campaign.
We will now destroy the new Jebediah Springfield statue.
Chief, you may fire when ready.
(shell ricochets, whistling) (explosion) Damn it! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4
The Simpsons s27e13 Episode Script
Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4
1 GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: I can't see! (engine sputtering) (grunts) (bell ringing) (belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) The Simpsons 27x13 Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4 @elderman (tires screeching) D'oh! (grunts) (sad music plays) (dramatic music plays) (gunfire) (groans, gasps) (whimpers) (chuckles) Hmm? (sad music plays) (gasps) Uh (clears throat) Sir? Yes? Uh, well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day.
Ah, yes, the day of the great Chicago massacre.
Uh, and our employees have requested to leave early to be with their loved ones.
Of course, uh, I'll be with you.
(coughs) Ooh, Smithers.
More face hardener.
(skin squeaks) Never! Well, if you want to tamp down a potential rebellion, might I suggest a party after work.
A sweethearts dance, if you will.
Sweet hearts? Mmm tasty.
Excellent.
(hearts beating) No, I don't want candy.
It's not candy, it's baby hearts.
Ah A sweet hearts dance it is.
(arrows whooshing) (gunshot) Hey, Brandine! You know how to shake and bake cherub? Cletus, you know I can fry up whatever you can shoot down.
Oh, Brandine, of all the cousins I coulda married, you was my sister.
(chuckles) (dance music plays) Carl, this is Mandy.
Mandy, isn't Carl everything I said he was? Okay, Lenny, time to stop talking about Carl.
Why don't you to ask me to stop breathing? Oh, Marge, it's so great to combine the two loves of my life: goofing off and you.
Hey, listen, there's one fantasy I've always wanted to indulge in.
If you're willing.
(moaning, kissing) (Homer moaning) (Marge gasps) What are those frisky hounds up to now? (shrieks) (yells, grunts) Wait a minute.
That contractor said this was a bottomless pit! I'll have his license! Hey, Professor! I didn't know you worked here at the plant.
I consult.
Sometimes they listen, sometimes not.
People have died.
You didn't hear that from me.
So, who are you here with? Well, no one as yet.
But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm.
Hello there, vo-ivy.
Well, there's, uh, no mistaking that message.
(cell phone ringing) GRAMPA: Hello, Homer! D'oh! What is it, Dad? It's Valentine's Day.
I'm alone.
And that cat who can smell if you're dying is staring at me.
What are you looking at?! (meows) Son, I'm scared.
This cat has taken five this year.
People in their 90s don't just suddenly die for no reason.
Please come.
Okay, Dad.
We'll come over.
Can you pick me up a pack of diapers? Oh, for-- They always think they're for me.
Fine.
I'll just take a large drum of butt ointment.
(meows) Hurry! (screeches) Uh-oh.
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
I don't see why, unless you found that missing puzzle piece.
How 'bout I put on some music? I never Smiled again Oh, I used to dance with my Auggie to that tune.
Yeah, me and my Bubbeleh made love to that song.
Creating a kid who never visits.
ANNOUNCER: And now back to Prairie Home Companion.
(screaming) MAN: Pull the plug! No, on me.
Okay, time for some Valentine's candy for our swinging seniors.
Don't patronize us, we know it's pills.
But it's a new brand and they're oh so pretty-- look, green.
Like M&M'S with hope.
Oh, it's starting to kick in.
Much better.
Suddenly, I don't want to kvetch.
I want to kvell! I can feel all the tension going out of my beard.
Oh (relaxed moans) Oh (barking) Mona? I thought you were gone.
Nonsense, Abe.
I didn't leave you and I am never going to leave you.
That doesn't sound like the Mona I knew.
I'm the Mona that lives in your memory, with all the anger turned to honey by nostalgia.
So what you're saying is, this is really happening.
(laughs) (big band music playing) (no music playing) Do you think it's okay to leave them here? Marge, all we ever do is leave them here.
(scoffs) I just think there's more we should do.
We could visit your mother.
No.
No, you're right.
Let's go home.
HOMER: Check it out, guys.
CVS stands for Cheap Valentines' Surplus.
You get a box! You get a box! Haven't forgotten about you, suspicious Iranian coworker.
(Iranian accent): Please, call me Dennis.
(Frink groaning) Oh, my gurvy is muh.
Oi Professor? Professor, come on, this is a workplace.
Ooh, dregs! Oh, wow.
Oh, my egg head is pickled, muh-oyvic.
Did you sleep here all night? Yes, you are right, I did.
Valentine's Day, you see, is quite difficult for me.
I saw that Stephen Hawking movie and all I could think is, "He's got a girl?" Give me a frickin' break.
Two girls.
Oh, I'll never win and I'll always have to only be looking.
Listen, pal, I've had plenty of experience with one woman.
And I can tell you, relationships are just trial and error.
Like anniversaries.
First I tried "don't remember," then "remember too late," then I happily settled on "make Lisa remember.
" And my relationship with Lisa has never been better.
Yes, you say trial and error, eh? My good man, that is nothing more than the scientific method.
(bell dings) Well, now, that's a little wasteful.
(bell dings) Ah, much better.
I shall use science to uncover the secret to women.
Homer, scientific research can solve anything except for cold fusion, quasars, the interior of black holes and what preceded the big bang.
But everything else can be solved, including love.
Pish-posh, Professor.
What makes a guy and a girl click isn't science.
It's chemistry! Which is science.
What?! See, I have asked an enormous cross-section of women one single question-- what attracts you to a man? Let us listen and learn and have some lemonade, which I just squeezed nicely.
(overlapping voices) the most important thing that I look for I like it when they're tall.
Blue eyes! Definitely wants kids.
Hmm, I didn't hear the last one.
First I'll replace these Coke bottle glasses with invisible blue contacts.
Mm-hmm.
Next, of course, is shoe lifts for height.
Make you much taller, look down upon people.
It's wonderful.
Whoa, whoa Hey, look at me.
I'm Herman Munster! (laughs) Actually, he had Lily, who was quite a dish.
So, do you, uh, find me attractive? Sorry, but no.
Oh, curse the luck! And this is an android that I programmed to say nothing but "yes.
" (electronic whooshing) Why? Why? Why? What am I over-look-ing? Uh, Professor don't be offended.
Do you think it might be your voice? Why, what's wrong with my voice, with the up and down and the extra words and the terminal nonsense in the hoyven clyven wayen.
Oh, my God, it's the voice.
Duh.
MARGE: Hello.
We're here to see Abe Simpson.
I brought him a homemade card! I brought me.
That's enough.
Oh what the? (woman humming) Gee, I thought they'd be over this by now.
(humming) Wow, they are really out of it.
There must be some way to take advantage of them.
You're telling me! Eh.
This little device, which fits under the tongue, will change everything.
(deep, sexy voice): This voice is an amalgam of great voices (like Clark Gable): from Clark Gable (like Walter Cronkite): to Walter Cronkite (like Rush Limbaugh): to Rush Limbaugh! (deep, sexy voice): I don't agree with his politics, but his body is a natural echo chamber.
Wow.
That does change everything.
You turned me on.
Oh, it's time for a little field test, I see.
Any other advice, Homer? Yep-- hang out at yoga classes.
That's where the ladies are.
(normal voice): How would you know about yoga class? Uh, I thought it was yogurt class.
Twenty-one! Dealer wins again.
Now, here's our headliner, Dolly Parton.
(banjo plays) Oh, she's good.
Bart! Ay, caramba! You're taking advantage of these people who don't know where they are.
I'm taking them back where they belong.
Oh, no, you don't.
He just comped me a suite! Fantastic! (clattering, thud) (meows) (gasps) You can't keep pumping powerful drugs into people who can't even bite into a peach.
Mrs.
Simpson, it's a fact.
If these seniors aren't medicated, I can't binge-watch Boardwalk Empire.
Nucky dies at the end! Yeah, well, screw you.
I'm going to report you to the state.
I really don't care.
(groans) Wha? You broke me.
I'm going to say something I've never said.
How can I help you? Um, I'll wait outside 'cause they might make me do something.
I've changed my height, I've changed my eyes, my relationship status-- I-I don't know why I put "unavailable" there.
That certainly did not help matters.
But now it is time to change my voice (clears throat): Oyce Voy (deep, sexy voice): And the hoyvin and the flayvin are now "hasta la vista, Frinky.
" Ooh.
(hums) Mm (chuckles softly) (scoffs) I'm always next to the jerk who comes here to meet women.
Hey, look, I get you.
You broke up with a long- time high school boyfriend 'cause he just wasn't going anywhere.
Then you play the field, but it's all losers who just want to take from you.
Now you're just hoping beyond hope for a man you can hug who'll organize the wires behind your TV.
And believe you me, sweetheart, I can organize every wire you have.
Now I'd like to show you a picture of my new puppy.
Yeah, his name's (sneezes) (normal voice): Logarithm.
(clears throat) (deep, sexy voice): I mean Larry.
Aw Here's my number.
And to prove it's not a lie (cell phone ringing) Yeah, baby.
(both giggling) Call me! Man, you're reading page three and the next thing you know, you're finishing the last article, hmm.
(normal voice): I got all their numbers! Boy, you are smooth.
Carl smooth.
Now I'd better get home.
And in case Marge is mad, can I borrow that chip? Oh, sure thing, pal.
I have extras.
(sniffing) (low voice): Chitter, chitter, baby.
(chittering) I was so worried.
Where have you been? No, don't tell me.
I don't want to hear one of your stupid lies.
(deep voice): Marge, my dear, you are the pork chop with gravy on top.
And I'm the applesauce that brings out your flavor.
Oh, Homie.
(Homer coughs) (deep voice): What the hell was that? (normal voice): What the? You're not my wife.
Which I find intriguing.
Suit yourself.
(laughs) So, Professor, tell me all about last night.
Dish-dish-dish! Uh, yes, well, I can't talk now.
I'm on a date.
And then I have a date.
And then another date.
Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? This is my cousin, Nookie Kwan.
I'm number one on the east side.
(quietly): Oh, gah-layvin.
Have any of you seen John Frink? He ain't here.
But his hover-tronic Frink-a-ma-car is parked outside.
Hey, if I say he ain't here, he ain't here.
Hey, Moe, there's a rat floating in my beer.
It ain't there.
(door closes) Thank you, my good man, but, uh, I saw some terrible things down there.
Like for one, Moe is pantsless.
Hey, it's apron-only Tuesday.
Oi You're a lucky guy, Frinky.
Got all the chicks you want while I can't find a single woman to put up with me and my domesticated wolverine.
Lucky Frink.
I got nothin'.
Some guys get all the breaks.
Let me see here.
Uh, needy men plus lonely women I-I just bring them together! Hey, that's some nice thinkin' there.
Now, how 'bout a beer and a baked potato.
Ah, that sounds nice.
We don't serve baked potatoes.
What happened? Everyone is incredibly depressed.
(groans) (sighs) (electronic sigh) I admit the hallucinations were getting out of hand, so I stopped the meds.
And hid them in the one place they'll never look: the library.
Well, there's one thing you didn't count on-- I go there because it's the only room in this building with heat.
(Marge gasps) Grampa, you're not allowed to take dangerous drugs unless they're in a little paper cup.
Listen here.
Every night I watch my roommate cry himself to sleep.
Yesterday I found out it was a mirror! I'm gonna find my Mona! (grunting) There's a lesson here-- never visit Grampa.
(gasps) My old car.
Oh, that's some fine hallucinatin'.
To the good ol' days before polio was cured! Hot diggity! It's America the way I liked it, before we went to the moon and discovered how boring it was.
(laughing) I found the one happy moment in 80 years of life and I ain't leavin' it.
Oh, this ain't right.
(snaps) That's better! This ends right now! She's not real.
None of this is real.
Imaginary cigarettes? Nonexistent candy? (stammering) Get outta here, Marge! Unescorted women like you aren't allowed in this era! I'm not getting out, I'm cutting in.
You can't live here.
You have people in the real world who love you.
Two are standing right over here.
If you live in the past, you'll never have us.
And what's more precious to a grampa than his grandchildren? Particularly his grandson.
Aw, your sexist argument has won me over.
We women will have our day.
Attaboy.
(groans) Good-bye, Mona.
And good-bye, pack of cigarettes for a quarter.
I think I'll miss you the most.
(gasps) So what, uh all that dancin' around with me meant nothin'? (chuckles): Oh, I'll be back to steal a kiss later.
And as for you I've got more involved plans.
(groans) So, Frink is finally going to announce which woman he's chosen to be with at the Springfield Planetarium.
It's like an episode of The Bachelor, but you drive there and pay six dollars for parking.
Why are we both explaining it if we all know what's happening? I like talking to you.
(normal voice): Ladies, please pay attention here.
(groaning, murmuring) You see, I, uh I thought I was the only one who was lonely.
But I have learned that loneliness is everywhere, like superhero movies.
How many times can Batman begin? I have reworked my algorithms to make you not like me, but to find the man that will make each of you happiest, yes.
Uh, release the bachelors! I hope they enjoy it.
(gasping) (impressed murmuring) Duffman would love to be taught how to speak in the first-person.
(chuckling) Everyone's paired up.
Almost everyone's paired up.
Professor, what about you? Where's your match? For me, my true love is intellectual conquest, the-the music of the spheres.
(owl hooting) Well, sometimes it's good just to be alone.
And now the purple dusk of twilight time Steals across the meadows of my heart ("Stardust" continues) High up in the sky The little stars climb ELDERLY WOMAN: What are you doing with my daughter?! Why did I build a mother? Oi, goy-vick.
Wait a minute, how come we're all back here? I flushed the rest of the pills down the toilet.
Looks like they made their way to the reservoir.
We should really try to wake up.
Are you kidding? There's a full buffet and Dean Martin's here.
Eh, that's right, pally.
Here, try the shrimp.
Some have gone bad, but, uh, most are fine.
(slurps) @elderman Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Gal of Constant Sorrow
The Simpsons s27e14 Episode Script
Gal of Constant Sorrow
1 D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: It's fourth and nine for the Simpsons.
Homer takes the snap, looking for a receiver.
They're all covered.
He's gonna sneak it in! (crowd cheering) Oh, man, that is why he gets to control the remote.
The Simpsons 27x14 Gal of Constant Sorrow @elderman (Simpsons eating) Mmm.
Oh, this tile is loose.
I'll have to call a handy man.
Why'd you say it like that? With a pause between the words.
Are you saying I'm not handy? That's how you say it: handy man.
It's handyman.
That's what I said: handy man.
(exclaims) Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy.
Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me.
A handy man.
(exclaims) Face it, homeboy, you ain't handy.
Unless we need a big fat paperweight.
I'll paperweight you! Oh! (groaning) (grunting) (grumbles) Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.
I know how to replace a tile.
All guys do.
We talk about it all the time.
Grout? There's no stopping what I've started here.
Here's your tile.
Have fun.
Handy man.
Lisa, honey, do you have any idea how to replace a floor? Here's a video tutorial on replacing a tile.
I don't know if I need a whole tutorial to teach me You're tapping.
You have to swipe.
I'm-I'm swiping, I'm swiping.
Pretend you're swiping chocolate icing off a cake.
All right, how's that? Ah, see? There.
There it is, yeah.
Perfect.
There really is icing on here.
All right, then.
Hi there.
If you're watching this video, you've got a job that needs doing but you're too cheap to pay for it.
Man, this guy's inside my head.
Now, replacing a tile is a simple task.
As long as the substrate beneath the tile isn't rotted.
If there is rot in your substrate, we will now play loud music so you can curse.
(salsa music playing, Homer shouting) Stupid floor! Why Why was I born a homeowner? On your marks.
On your marks.
Get set.
Get set.
Twins! Twins! Loser! Oh, boy.
(Ralph giggling) Oh.
Why is everyone passing us? You know how scared I am of going on a slant.
Oh.
(grunts) Ow! Latchkey kids rule! I can't die now.
I actually did my homework.
(grunts) (groans) I'm sorry, ma'am.
Come spring, I'll go get that for you.
Dang good-for-nothin' cart.
Always fighting to go left when I wanted to go right.
It was my only friend.
(crying) Now take your sponge, wipe away the excess grout and you're done.
Oh, my God, it looks like what it's supposed to look like.
I did man work! My hero.
I'm happy to say I was wrong.
I'll put Maggie down and make you a snack.
Something bacon-y.
(whoops) A bacon apology sandwich.
(meowing) What? No.
No.
No.
(meow) (scratching) Oh, I sealed in the cat.
If it dies, it'll stink up the whole house.
Also, the kids like it.
(meowing) Stupid genius cat.
She went from under the floor to inside the wall.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
MARGE: More repairs? Aah! Marge, I should tell you something.
I knew it.
You're not a handy No.
You did not know it.
I was going to say I'm not stopping with the tile.
Oh, no.
Once you've been bitten by the repair bug, you can't quit.
How would you like hot water in the bathtub again? (gasps) I'll go get the "H" knob out of my jewelry box.
Mmm.
Don't take long, handy man.
Handyman.
(giggles) Okay, cat, I'll get you out tomorrow, but here's dinner.
Lasagna, which I know cats like.
Oh! Nothing to see here.
Just kneeling in front of the electric outlet, appreciating Edison's miracle.
Look, Hettie, you got two choices.
Under the bed or in the closet.
I suppose I will take the closet.
Oh, my goodness.
This is like my heyday when I was livin' in that car.
You know, you get enough parking tickets on the front, they act like curtains.
(sniffs) Mmm.
Hey, mornin', boss.
Hey, what you take in your coffee? 'Cause I got sugar and I got something called "Not for individual sale.
" Listen.
I don't think you should get too comfortable here.
Okay, okay.
Thought you might say that, but, uh, what if I make it amenable to you? If you hide me here, I'll give you a dollar a day.
Here's one week in advance.
Yes, I'm a slumlord.
DRAKE: Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now the whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now the whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now my whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now my whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now we're here I done kept it real from the jump Living at my mama house, we'd argue every mornin' I was-- I was trying to get it on my own Working all night, traffic on the way home And my uncle calling me like "Where ya at? I gave you the keys, told you bring it right back" I just-- I just think it's funny how it goes Now I'm on the road, half a million for a show And we started from the Hmm.
Sorry, cat.
Had to go to work.
Then there was a freeway chase on the news.
Had to watch it till the end.
The guy got arrested in a cul-de-sac.
They never do what I yell at them to do.
(meowing, scratching) Oh, you're in the ceiling? Do not use top step? Stupid government, trying to keep us down.
(grunting) Where is Bart getting this money? (exclaims) Lisa? Just what do you think you're up to? Mm Come on.
You can tell Dr.
Tuna.
Okay, I admit it.
I think Bart's up to something funny, so I'm snooping in his room.
No snooping.
You know what they say about curiosity.
It killed the cat? The cat's fine! Stop asking about the cat! MAN: Lose a Kewpie doll in front of your gal.
(tuning guitar) Hey, boss.
(clears throat) We have a situation here.
You owe me three weeks' back rent.
Aha! Bart Simpson, you are cruelly exploiting a poor, unfortunate woman.
So, you're gonna tell Mom and she's gonna kick Hettie out.
Girlie, ain't you got a heart? Nope.
All brain, no heart.
Yeah.
She looks like a little bitty railroad bull.
Now I got to sing for my supper.
I wrote this one a few days ago.
This is a song about loss.
It was a cart Meant for shopping It came to mean Much more to me It held the pan I cook my slop in And my old PlayStation 3 It was my home And my place of worship It was my home And it was kinda my car Now you're just rolling underwater While Safeway wonders Where you are.
Whoa! My roommate is talented! If I know my Smithsonian Folkways, that was an Appalachian folk song.
Well, I'm from Lickskillet, Kentucky, just shy of the Appalachia Trail.
Really? Oh, I love, love, love indigenous mountain music.
(chuckles) Well, isn't that fascinatin'? I'm glad you liked the song.
Yes.
I liked it very, very, very m Oh! You want money.
I'm sorry.
I don't have any.
(chuckles) I'm also a musician.
(chuckles) But you can stay in our house.
Ha-ha! It's a deal! Back in the boy's closet.
No, Hettie.
You're a human being.
You can sleep in my closet.
Hmm.
Well, la-di-da.
How much you charge? Nothing.
Maybe we can talk a little music.
Ugh.
Boy, what's your price again? Okay, we'll only talk about it if you want to! But it would be an honor.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, you've hurt yourself.
Uh, nope, that's syrup.
Oh, let me find you a Wet-Nap.
I just woke up from a wet nap.
Okay.
Conversation's over.
Check, one, two.
All right.
No, no, no, leave the windows open.
I like crickets and night breeze in my music.
They do go well together.
Have you always been musical? You know, first sound I ever heard was my daddy fiddlin'.
His name was Bascom Lee Boggs.
(gasps) Bascom Lee Boggs?! He played with some seminal Appalachian bands, like Snug and the Cousin Huggers, Lead Paint Larry and the Drooly Boys, Howlin' Sue and Her Vestigial Organ, and Bloody Mary and the Coalmine Canaries.
(inhales) Did your daddy teach you to fiddle? No.
He was gonna start me out on the cigar box banjo, but, uh, before he could, he-he lost his sight.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, he got shot in the face.
(gasps) You know them puzzles where you slide the tiles? He looks a little like that now.
My mother was an amazing banjo player.
Mmm.
Unfortunately, she did also go blind.
Really? Yeah, it was winter and she was runnin' a fever and, um, then she got shot in the face.
Oh, wow.
Hettie, you've had such a sad life.
But you know what? That's gonna turn around when I show the world what it's missing in you.
Well, I don't know if the world's gonna get me, but, child, it sure feels good to know that you do.
Mmm.
Mmm.
You're having a moment with someone who has so few moments.
This will never be forgotten.
Oh, baby girl, I feel like I'm back home in poorest Appalachia.
Thank you.
Okay.
And three, two, one (playing guitar) Oh, Barnes & Noble Oh, I am sorry to see That your store Has been shuttered I miss your bathroom policy I would sleep in your stalls For many a long day It's lovely, but I want you to know I've-I've truly come to hate music.
That is so sad.
I wanted to arrange a concert in Springfield Park.
We needed the school's lights and sound system.
Lights? Sweetie, you don't know a Fresnel from a gobo.
Well, I think you'll help me every way you can.
And why, pray tell, is that? Because deep down, there's still a part of you that remembers music can be magical.
(chuckles) You're right.
I can't bear to kill your passion.
It will live at least until third grade, when you get Mrs.
Ortner.
So, I got back together with Jeff.
Then, of course, I realized there was a reason we broke up.
(playing tuba) That sounds awful, and you look stupid doing it.
(guitar playing) (grumbling) (knocking) Hettie, Hettie, I have a surprise for you! (gasps) Oh, well, barbecue my bedbugs.
That is glorious.
(chuckles) To pay for it, I sold my Malibu Stacys.
Which, from a feminist perspective, was long overdue.
But I have a Ken that I'm transitioning to a Stacy.
Try it on, try it on, try it on! I heard you the second time! Mmm, mmm.
Why, thank you, Your Majesty, I will have another cup of soda.
Lis, Lis, Lis.
(grunting) What?! I've seen you like this before, and it ends badly.
She is gonna break your heart.
And your heart's as tough as a soap bubble.
Remember how upset you got over that dead plant? Oh.
It's the seven-month anniversary of that.
(crying) Oh, geez, here we go again.
Ugh.
You know what, Bart? Just get out! And get Dad's keys and drive us to the radio station.
And then get out! Wait until we're done.
Then drive us back.
Then get out! (hammering, sawing) (crash) HOMER: Damn it! (knocking) (footsteps approaching) Hey.
Hello, Homer.
I need to do the laundry.
Uh, uh, I'll do it! Oh.
HOMER: You idiot.
Now we'll always have to do the laundry! (laughs) I'll do it wrong so she'll never ask again.
Homer, you're a genius! Thanks, brain! Oh, I'm not your brain.
I'm a blood clot.
Okay.
I'm goin' in.
Thank God I never put in that insulation.
(grunting) Whoo-hoo! I glide silently through the wall.
Silently, ever silently.
(Snowball II mewing) (grunting) Aah! Ooh, rogue nails! Oh.
(hissing) Hot pipe! (panting) Gah.
It's Oh.
Rough tongue! Aah! Oh, that's just (Santa's Little Helper howling) Aw, crap.
(barking) Sure am glad we don't have a horse.
Welcome back to Mountain Trax.
I'm here today with the one and only Miss Hettie Mae Boggs, the baby of the Boggs Family.
(laughing): Well, I'm a little big for a baby.
Although my mother did have a 21-pounder.
Charming.
Does anyone on this station talk like they're not at a funeral? No.
I'm afraid we all do.
So, Hettie, you're doing a concert tonight.
Yes, she is.
Could you tell our listeners why you didn't perform with your older brothers and sisters? I mean, they would ask me to.
They would They'd say, "Hettie, come over here, pick up a banjo and play a song with us.
" And, um, I don't know.
I'd say, "No, I'm happy just to sit down by the creek and do my heroin.
" You know? Wait.
What? Is it also true you've been discovered by, and then turned your back on, well-meaning supporters time and time again? Uh, yes, yeah, that is a pattern I adhere to, and do you have any OxyContin? Now, if you got some, you don't have to say yes.
You just got to blink.
Maybe we should take a break.
For the record, I'm not blinking.
He's holding.
He just won't share.
No, no, Hettie, please tell me that you're rehabilitated.
Please tell me that you're talking about heroin so that no one else will follow in your footsteps.
Please reassure me because I am frightened.
Oh, baby girl, I wouldn't let you down.
You and me-- we get each other, yeah? But if I don't get something sweet, I might shoot someone in the face.
(gasps) Are you saying that you shot your parents in the face? I don't know.
That's not really the kind of thing you remember.
You know what I mean? All right, I'm gonna go now.
Bye.
Lis, if she shoots your face off tomorrow, just remember this is what it looks like.
(high-pitched squeak) She is not going to let me down! She is not! I am saving her.
Okay, you've convinced me.
You're out of your mind.
So, how'd it go at the co-ed kickball championship? All a lie! Lisa's been hiding a dangerous heroin addict in her closet! (gasps) You were hiding her in your closet, too! I was renting week-to-week! (grumbling) Homer, do you know what was going on in our house? Why are you asking meow-- I mean, me now? Homer, I know about the cat.
I also know about the dog.
He's fine.
(whistles) (panting) I've been taking care of everything.
You knew? It was pretty sexy pretending you were toolsy.
But Lisa let a strange Kentucky lady live in our house without our permission.
Well, now I don't know where she is, and I believed in her, and we have a concert in 30 minutes.
Oh, honey, we'll find her.
You entertain the audience till we get there.
Okay, I'll play my sax! Well, that'll turn a disappointed crowd into a lynch mob.
Shut up.
Okay, if you want to find this woman, and I recommend you don't, here's a little clue.
Hettie usually smells like radiator booze.
To Cletus country! Hettie, we need to get you up, run you through a car wash and get you to that concert.
You hush up now! Fortunately for you, I'm fluent in drunk.
(slurring his words): Now, come on, get up.
(speaking gibberish) You're gonna get up and (both speaking gibberish) And backtalk.
(both speaking gibberish) Nobody tell me what to do.
Not you, not the po-lice.
Not even the police.
Cletus, why did you give her a shotgun? Hey, I do not give anyone firearms.
Now, she must've taken that out the umbrella stand.
Oh, your little girl's been so good to me.
I can't shoot you in the face.
I'll just make you deaf for a week.
Oh! I have church tomorrow.
Can you do the other? Thank you! (playing lively jazz) Give it up! She isn't coming! (song ends) You've just made a very powerful enemy-- NPR.
Our revenge is made possible by listeners like you.
Hello, Springfield! They're gone, and I am never, ever gonna forgive you.
As I went down in the river to pray Slipped in the mud and lost my way Found a bag of chips and half a Twix Thank you, Lord, for this day Oh, honey, I've been down Bread bag shoes and a Burger King crown Oh, honey, I've been down And down is where I think I'm gonna stay.
(crying) Ugh.
Okay, you can sleep it off on our couch.
Well, thank you, sweetheart.
Hey, what time do you do your couch gags? Around 11:00 in the morning.
You'll be fine.
@elderman (to "Big Rock Candy Mountain"): In the house next door to Flanders There's a devil boy named Bart Fatso's lost his catso And the girl has a great big heart The curtains all have corncobs There's a sailboat on the wall There's Selma and a Patty and a grampa who is batty Apu and his Squishy, the three-eyed fishie And they ain't aware that I took the silverware From the house next door to Flanders Okay, everyone into the tunnel.
In the house next door to Flanders Mom's hairdo scrapes the sky The baby don't say nothin' And no one wonders why Oh, this place is dirtier than the tunnel.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Lisa the Veterinarian
The Simpsons s27e15 Episode Script
Lisa the Veterinarian
1 The Simpsons 27x15 Lisa the Veterinarian (couch and TV grunting happily) (giggles, gasps) (both laughing playfully) (both panting, sighing) (grunting) (groaning) @elderman HOMER: Wow, an indoor water park.
Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.
Well, as a mother, I We all know you're a mother.
As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.
I'm finding Nemo! I saw heaven! (cheering) (grunting) My head! (groaning) (laughter) (groans) (grunts) (laughs) Mom! Bart got my hair wet, and I wasn't ready to get it wet yet! (hair dryer whirs) Hmm.
I'm afraid you're going in the kiddie pool.
Oh.
I've had baths that were more exciting.
Baths! (kids gasping happily) Oh, my God, a plastic ring.
Out of my way, you little twerps! I want that ring.
(grunting) Ow! Hmm.
Hey, uh, do you have any waterslides for the gentleman of leisurely proportions? Right this way, sir.
This park specializes in extra-wide double-reinforced tubing for the modern American fatso.
(chuckles): Oh, well.
Cola wars veteran coming through! Woo-hoo! I'm exercising! (laughing) (mechanical bear roars) (gunshot) Awesome.
Milhouse, how long you been waiting in line? You mean you didn't use the app last week to get your Slammin' Salmon line number? What are you, Amish? (groans) All right, time to thin out the herd.
(grunting softly) (static crackles) (deep voice, over P.
A.
): Attention, bathers, this is water park president Cal A.
Bunga.
Do not panic, but the pools are infested with those tiny fish that swim up your wiener.
Get out of the way! (crowd clamoring, screaming) Again, do not panic.
If you think a wiener fish has entered your dingus, the only cure is to roll around naked in the snow.
(clamoring) (people gasping, groaning) Uh, Lou, I need a big favor from you.
Oh, man.
I They don't train you for this at the academy.
Well, they should.
(laughing) (mechanical bear roars) (hawk screeches) (gunshot) (laughing continues) Whee! Yes! (wind whistles) (sniffs) Oh, dear God! Bio breach! (grumbles) (shrieks) (gasps) That poor raccoon! Isn't anyone gonna do anything? He committed nature's greatest crime: coming inside.
(grunting) No heartbeat.
Finally, a chance to use my online CPR training.
(whispering): One, two, three, four five.
(blows) One, two, three, four, five.
(blows) (singsongy): Lisa has a boyfriend! Lisa has a boyfriend! Oh, a boyfriend? And raccoons are such good providers.
Come on, come on.
You have so much more trash to eat.
Steal one more breath, noble bandit.
(grunts) (coughs) It worked.
I saved you.
(chitters) (sighs) My first rescue.
And my first real kiss.
She'd have chosen me if I was wearing a real bathing suit.
(groans) For once, a life saved at a Springfield water park, where a quick-thinking second grader performed emergency CPR on a drowning nuisance animal, while dozens of unheroic onlookers just stood around.
Where was Channel Six news? Filming gas pumps and their ever-changing prices.
Which accomplishes what? I don't know.
DIRECTOR: There's eight minutes left.
Uh, did we do gas prices? Yes! (Ralph giggles) We saw you on the picture radio.
They chyroned your name.
They described you as "Local Girl.
" Hubba, hubba.
They sure got that right.
(growls) Lisa, it looks like you're the perfect student to look after Nibbles the hamster here during spring break.
I'd take him with me, but I'm doing Jell-O shots with former students.
This spring break, I'm gonna go wild with responsibility! My dad's spending spring break in a cage, too.
And for saving that raccoon, I got the opposite of teasing.
I bet the Germans have a word for it, like, uh, gerstronkenplatzen or something.
(chuckles) I wish the Germans had a word for this terrible traffic.
And so ends the moment being about me.
What's going on, Chief? Oh, nasty car crash.
Can't let traffic through until the cleanup crew mops up this mess.
Which is a problem, because they're stuck in traffic behind you.
Okay, who did that?! We need to get home.
I left my father-in-law on the sofa.
He's got to be turned.
Yeah, well, that ain't gonna happen.
Not unless you clean up this accident scene.
(chuckles) Actually, seriously, could you do that? Hmm, I don't know.
I'm one of those people who doesn't like being traumatized by horrifying sights.
Marge, do you know why I became a cop? If you do, could you tell me? 'Cause it's-it's really dangerous.
B-But these crime scene cleanups, they're totally safe.
All the bad people are dead or, uh, at large.
So give it a shot.
Please.
Please, Mom.
Huh? Oh, all right.
There you go.
Spick and span.
Wow, you even made the homeless guy look nice.
Yeah, still crazy though.
You know, Marge, uh, you ever want some fast extra cash, we are always looking for crime scene cleaner-uppers.
You know what they say: crime always pays.
Plus, you can keep any money you find, and any jewelry that isn't monogrammed.
(bicycle bell dings) Hello, little girl.
Oh, does your hamster have Tyzzer's disease? That would've been interesting, but I swabbed him for Tyzzer's and it came up negative.
My.
You certainly know a lot about animals.
That's just it, I do.
I saved a raccoon's life the other day.
It was the best feeling I've ever had.
Is there any way I could work in your office? I mean, as an intern or anything? Oh, do you know how many people walk in here every day looking for just such a thing? A lot, I bet.
No, it's never happened.
Grab a clean smock and follow me.
Oh, okay! (giggles) I can't find a clean smock.
Then your first job is to clean the smocks.
(bell dings) I'm ready, Dr.
Budgie.
Oh, it's a shame to ruin such a clean smock, but, uh, let's go.
Hmm.
(squeals) (sputters) This is heaven.
You got to help me, Doc.
My pet ferret has lost its terrible stink! Well, that won't do.
Let me have a go at jump-starting the old stink gland.
Lisa, my dear, can you restrain the ferret? It would be my honor.
Clear! (electrical buzz) We have stink lines! Well done, Lisa.
Heaven! (chuckles) Ew.
All right, Veggie Kibble for Daisy here.
Chairman Meow is having surgery tomorrow, so only liquid for you.
And no more food for you, Mr.
Snake, until you finish shedding your skin.
Oh.
You have.
Dr.
Budgie, I'm really enjoying cleaning out these cages.
No, really, I am, but are there any jobs that are more exciting? Absolutely.
You can hobble these crickets.
We have a hungry chameleon who's slowing down with age, but he still loves the thrill of the hunt.
Mm.
Anything more life or deathy? I could take the animals' temperature.
I know what that means, and I am up for it.
Oh, Lisa, slow down.
Do you know how many awkward courses I had to take before they let me put my arm inside a horse? I understand.
I just feel like I could be doing more.
Oh, you remind me of a certain young man growing up in Stratfordshire-on-Corningwell.
He, too, was impatient.
Always thinking he could do more.
Was that you? No.
If that was me, I would have said "me.
" This eager beaver had to leave veterinary school and become-- ugh-- a people doctor.
Ooh.
MAN: And with the 27th pick of the 14th round of the NHL draft, the Phoenix Coyotes select Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck.
CÃ©dric BÃ©langer.
But Lubochuck.
Homie, I think we need a new ceiling fan.
The old one doesn't seem safe.
(electrical crackling) It's fine.
And it saves us money on haircuts.
(Bart gasps) Not bad, but I miss the social aspects of the barbershop.
MAN: The St.
Louis Blues are now on the clock.
Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck.
Hmm.
(phone rings) Springfield PD.
PD police department! Ha! I just got that.
Chief, Chief, this is Marge Simpson.
I think I'd like to do some of those crime scene cleanups.
Oh, great, great.
Hey, I got a job for you right here.
Uh, murder-suicide.
Or possibly a suicide-murder.
Just bring a mop and your imagination.
Hey, it can't be worse than what I've seen.
Homer, I told you not to eat chili out of the colander! Uh, it's pronounced "calendar.
" What's the matter, little guy? You haven't touched your berries.
Do you need aphids for flavor? Mmm.
Aphids.
DR.
BUDGIE: Lisa, could you come here for a moment? (gasps) At last.
I'm trying to give this Saint Bernard a shot, but my hands are a little shaky.
I had an extra gallon of tea for lunch.
Oh, my.
If I hold him, do you think you could attend to the matter of the needle? Of course! Mm.
Careful, careful.
A single millimeter either way would not make much of a difference.
LISA: Huh.
Why am I not feeling the same rush I did with the raccoon? (barking) (shudders) There it is! (humming) Be careful, Mrs.
S.
I've never seen an angel-dust- for-guns swap go so wrong.
Hey, a mess is a mess.
Huh? Let me start with this filthy crime scene tape.
(humming) Yarr, is the doctor in, miss? Little Goldie here is listing hard to starboard.
I fear he may have tangled with the wrong plastic diver.
Hmm.
Could be fin rot.
Oh, no, not the big F.
Arr! Do what you must.
I'll say my good-byes.
You were more wife to me than any woman I ever knew.
Captain, the diagnosis of fin rot is not the death sentence it used to be.
A couple drops of medicine in the water, and he'll be fine.
Hmm.
Yarr, that's amazing! Eh, I've just got one more little problem.
He, uh he ate me car keys.
Yarr.
(grunting) Hurry, Doc! His lungs are full of seltzer! (sobbing) (grunting) (chattering) (grunts) Homie? Notice anything? (beeping) (alarm beeping) Um, are you having an affair? What? No.
I bought a new ceiling fan.
Huh? Ooh, I thought the air felt a little more lively.
But where did you get the money? Actually, I made a little extra by cleaning up crime scenes.
What? Poor Marge.
I heard that can really mess you Oh, baby, that cool air is sweet! up.
Are you sure you're not living a waking nightmare? No.
Not one little bit.
And I get the police discount on cleaning supplies.
I can finally clean Grampa's dentures.
Yeah, I got popcorn in there from Kramer vs.
Kramer.
I was rooting for Kramer, but was dismayed when Kramer finally won.
That's a twist I didn't see Kramer.
Happy birthday, Martin.
Where's the gift table? (chuckles) Right over there, my friend.
(humming) Haw-haw! (chicken clucking) (giggles) Some zoo.
Where are the rental strollers? Actually, it's not so bad.
The animals are healthy.
A couple of paddock scrapes, but nothing overly concerning.
Oh, knock it off.
You're not a vet.
You're a glorified cage scrubber.
Dr.
Budgie depends upon me! I have felt the cold breath of kennel cough in my face.
I have seen tabbies that were more tick than cat.
I know why the caged dog scoots.
So when your lizard loses its tail, you're gonna need me to tell you it's gonna grow back.
(sighs) Want some peanuts, Mr.
Elephant? Uh, it's a goat, not an elephant, and those are shrimp, not peanuts.
And that goat is allergic to shrimp! Your breath smells like "don't drink that.
" (worried bleat) Milhouse, give me your EpiPen! You're not a professional.
I am a self-selected unpaid veterinary intern.
Now let me practice my craft! (bleating excitedly) Hey, he's as good as new.
Look at him play with the kids! (kids grunting) See, Bart? Life or death.
I make the choice.
Okay, time to cut the cake.
(bleats triumphantly) That's my patient.
Guess what, sweetie.
I'm wearing my snuggle socks.
They're compression socks from your heart surgery.
All the same (purring) (sighs) I'm not in the mood.
What?! You've never said that before! I've thought it three times.
Each time was after a burrito-eating contest.
But I won! What's wrong? It's just that seeing you, lying down, reminds me of this bloated corpse I had to clean up today.
Hey, I look damn good for someone who eats the crap I do.
Maybe we should just go to sleep.
I wasn't done with my drink.
Would you like my itty-bitty booze light? I've never seen him like this.
He's so listless.
Who's lost the urge to kill? Who's lost the urge to kill? I'll tell you what's wrong with him: you.
What? Me?! This dog is badly behind on his shots.
He's displaying the symptoms of early onset parvo.
I'm confiscating your dog.
And, you, get out! Smithers, I've been shamed.
Prepare a thimble of ice cream.
Some people don't deserve to own pets.
BART: And you get to decide who? Don't fold your arms at me.
Lis, look at yourself.
You've become so arrogant, you've forgotten who you are.
And even worse, you've forgotten Nibbles! (gasps) Nibbles! My pet! My responsibility! My homework! (gasps) Matted hair, dry tongue Is this true, Lisa? Did you let this happen to a creature in your care? I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
Pet hamsters need to be played with regularly, or they feel abandoned.
And that can lead to stress polyps on the heart.
The heart is the seat of love, Lisa.
If you'd gone to veterinary school, you'd know that.
I've got no choice but to operate.
And I need your help.
You still want me to help you after I was so arrogant? Lisa, arrogance is what made the British Empire.
Then lost it.
Then pretended it didn't happen.
(monitor beeping steadily) Well, we've done all we can.
The next 24 hours will be crucial.
(monitor flatlining) Oh, he's gone.
(crying): No, no, no.
He can't be dead! He can't! I thought we could save every animal if we just cared enough.
HOMER: Okay, Marge, sweetie, look at this one.
See, Marge? The baby laughs every time the toaster pops.
(chuckles) It is pretty hysterical.
That's nice.
Nice? Something in you is dead, Marge, and that's one crime scene you can't clean up.
And all for a fan.
A stupid ceiling fan that Oh, man, that's refreshing.
I want my Marge back.
(phone rings) Hello? What is it, boy? Uh-huh.
I see.
Fine, Marge.
You sit here, watch your boob tube, have a beer.
That's not how Homer Simpson does things.
I have to go help Lisa! Lisa? Wait! Wait, I'm coming with you.
(door closes) (phone ringing) (line ringing) No answer.
I guess we got to do this ourselves.
Oh, geez.
All right, get some paper towels, boys.
(chain saw buzzing) Lisa.
(sniffling) Oh, Mom, he trusted me as only a hamster can! (crying) If there's one thing I'll always clean up, it's my baby's tears.
Oh, I should've been here for you.
You would've never let anything happen to him.
I was too busy being dead inside Wherever he went, I hope they have hamster balls.
doing I don't know what! But I'm here now, and I'll never leave.
(chuckles) Well, I'll be.
Lisa's learning about death helped Marge feel again.
Yes, a perfect dovetail.
Thank you for curing Walter Pigeon here.
I can't afford to pay you, but I can give you front row seats to my magic show.
The theme is boxing.
Sounds marvelous.
Oh, yeah, no.
Come on, it is.
I want to thank everyone for coming to Nibbles's funeral today.
BART (over P.
A.
): This is President Cal A.
Bunga.
On this sad occasion, the school flag will be flying at half-ass.
Bart! (groans) I know that this is an especially hard time for the other classroom pets, including Mrs.
Nibbles, Shelly the turtle, Sally Mander, Hamilton Fish and Willie's chicken.
Willie, where is your chicken? It was either him or me! I see.
Please stand for Nibbles's final journey.
(bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace") @elderman Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  The Marge-ian Chronicles
The Simpsons s27e16 Episode Script
The Marge-ian Chronicles
1 (snoring) Hmm? (grunts) The Simpsons 27x16 The Marge-ian Chronicles (engine cuts off) Hey, Flanders.
Gas up your leaf blower much? (gasps) Chickens? Since when do you have chickens? Oh, about six months.
Well, they've been driving me crazy.
Get rid of them.
(chuckling): Oh.
Don't let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers, fella.
Chickens.
You have yourself a perfectly good coop, and that's what you keep in it? (whistles) Oh, Homer, surely you know there's nothing tastier than a fresh-laid egg.
How do you want 'em, boys? BOTH (chanting): Coddled! Coddled! Coddled! (chuckles) What is it about boys and their coddled eggs? Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm? Whoa, so orange.
I'm sorry, I can't eat these.
Flanders has freshly-pooped eggs, orange as a sunset over a field of ripe Doritos, while these-- look, I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking-- store eggs are yellow.
They're yellow eggs, Marge.
Yellow.
Why do you always think about what you don't have? Has anyone ever thought about what they do have? Have you? Not that much.
Have you? Nope! Have you? Boy, I won't live long enough to teach you about sex, but I'll be damned if I don't show you how to steal eggs.
Okay, son, stay sharp in there.
If chickens are known for two things, it's bravery and intelligence.
This is what we're after.
(grunting) (chickens squawk) BART: I got one.
Hurry, fat-ass! (both moaning) How can idiots say there's no God when a species that evolved from dinosaurs feeds us their unfertilized babies? Ugh, if I could lay eggs like these, I'd never leave my bedroom.
(both grunt) (yips) (screams) The farmer! Homer Simpson, I am going to enjoy finding it in my heart to forgive you for this.
(both groan) Well, there's no getting past that.
We may not be able to steal Flanders' eggs, but we can steal his idea.
You mean get our own chickens, feed them, love them and eat their eggs? Check.
Mate.
(squawking) (hammering) Urban poultry farming is a great way to reduce our carbon footprint.
Or maybe increase it, I'm not sure.
But they're so cute! Now, don't get attached.
I'm about to cut them open to scoop out the eggs.
No, look! They're already laying.
Now, what lays bacon? One two eggs! (moaning) (moaning) Delicious.
Delicious.
(groans) These don't taste right.
You're crazy, these are the best eggs I've ever eaten.
No.
No, something is missing.
Hmm.
(slurps) (gargles) (inhales) Hmm, Bart's right.
They're not as good as the eggs we stole from Flanders.
The eggs we stole from Flanders! You don't think they tasted so great because they were stolen, do you? Only one way to find out.
(door opens) FLANDERS: My potato chips! Okay, first, a chip from the control bag.
Now the stolen bag.
(both moaning) It's true.
Theft equals flavor.
(Homer grunting) (Bart snickering) Ah, forget it.
Just take 'em.
You can't just give them to us! They only taste good if we steal them! Keep chasing! It improves the flavor! Sure, sure, whatever works for you.
(Homer and Bart laughing) I guess we don't need our chickens anymore.
Don't worry, I've already found a research facility that will raise them humanely.
I wasn't worried about that.
If you're going to eat the chickens, don't tell the girl.
Oh, no, these chickens are here to advance the cause of science.
(Simpsons oohing and ahing) HOMER: Look at all those lab coats.
At Exploration Incorporated, our mission is to help humanity make the next big leap.
That's so fascinating.
When did you incorporate? We are preparing to launch the first privately-funded, manned mission to Mars.
(gasps) You're going to Mars? That's incredible.
Uh, yes.
How do you plan to solve the problem of eyeball explosion when you take off your space helmet? Uh, you leave your helmet on.
Hmm, these guys seem legit.
This video will explain our revolutionary vision.
NARRATOR: Human beings are explorers.
It's what we do.
It's who we are.
But since our world holds no more secrets, we must journey to Mars.
Government agencies like NASA say it will be decades before we set foot on the Red Planet.
At Exploration Incorporated, we're working hard to establish a human settlement on Mars ten years from today.
Soon a select group of colonists will leave Earth forever and become the first residents of another world.
Will you be one of them? Exploration Incorporated.
Never stop exploring.
(gasps) HOMER: What about those Mars nutjobs? Who wants to take a one-way trip to a barren, lifeless rock? Yeah, in a couple years, we'll have a perfectly good barren, lifeless rock right here This guy gets it.
Well, this mission really gives me hope.
I'm tired of nothing but bad news about the future.
Yes, but to travel to another planet, knowing you can never come back, you'd have to be pretty sad.
Aniston sad.
I'm not sad, I'm inspired.
That's why I volunteered this afternoon.
What?! The mission leaves in ten years.
I'll be 18, and I'm going to Mars.
No way, young lady.
We cannot afford to send you to Mars.
It's free.
Cheaper than college.
No.
No! You volunteered to go to Mars and leave your family? Forever? This mission could save humanity.
What if I was the first person to set foot on another world? I'd never be able to hug my daughter again.
They thought of that.
They give a virtual hug machine to every family back home.
That does look pretty snuggly.
(gasps) No! I think this could be my true purpose.
Just let me try out.
They might not even pick me.
I mean, I'd pick me, but Absolutely not.
You are grounded.
You are confined to this planet.
And its moon.
(growling) HOMER: Uh, honey? A word before you continue parenting? What? In all my years of living with the female species, I've learned one thing.
When they want to do something totally insane, your only move is to support them 100%.
Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.
Really? Have you ever done anything just because someone told you not to? You cannot marry Homer Simpson.
I forbid it.
Hmm.
And now you got me.
(humming) Oh, my gosh.
We both know Lisa's not going to Mars.
It's just a little girl's fantasy.
But if you forbid someone from doing something, they'll want to do it more.
So we should just pretend we're cool with our daughter abandoning us forever? Exactly.
It's an old relationship move I call "turning into the skid.
" If you just play along, sooner or later Lisa will lose interest in her terrible idea.
You haven't used that trick on me, have you? No, no.
I learned it from observing other marriages.
Ones less fantastic than ours.
(garbage disposal whirs) Hmm, "turning into the skid.
" You know, I looked at a map, and Mars is just one planet over.
If you really want to try out for this mission, I support you.
Really? Thanks, Mom! If they choose me to be a colonist, I could make jazz the dominant music form of a whole new planet.
That's exactly where jazz belongs.
Way to turn into the skid, baby.
Now watch Lisa lose interest in Mars, just as sure as you gave up on opening that G-rated comedy club.
I thought Gentle Jollies was a great idea.
Oh, not great.
Amazing.
Hmm, now that I think about it, that idea did have a lot of problems.
Greetings, candidates.
The testing that begins today will determine which of you have the necessary skills to thrive on Mars.
Think of how satisfying it will feel to stand in the Valles Marineris and thunder-chug a Blue Bronco energy drink.
I'm sorry, Blue Bronco? Wait, thunder-chug? Blue Bronco is just one of this mission's many corporate partners.
Because this is a privately funded entrepreneurial mission, we've teamed up with some of America's most exciting brands.
We're talking Mega-Charge Batteries, Fantasy-Lunatics.
com, Trudge-Rite Work Boots, Draft-Pigs.
And who here likes Fig Glutens? (excited chattering) What? The fig seeds get caught in my adult braces.
Oh, I should not have given away my dog, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, it's hurting my (gibbers) Oi! I can't feel my (gibbers) (chickens clucking) LISA: Principal Skinner? What brings you on this mission to make mankind a two-planet species? Mars is the ultimate field trip.
And all they sell at the gift shop is immortality.
Also, I'm drowning in debt.
Well, I hope to establish a planet of perfect equality-ment.
On Mars, you are my servant.
Uh, well, well, either way is good, really.
And then, finally, I got to spend some quality time with the oxygen reclaimers.
You must've felt like the belle of the ball.
You said if I supported Lisa's crazy idea, she'd lose interest.
Oh, Marge.
You'll never understand the female mind.
We're just getting started.
What more can we do? I've utilized my male mind to come up with a plan so supportive, Lisa will never want to do anything again.
What are you guys doing here? We're trying out for Mars, too.
We were so inspired by you being inspired.
A family unit could be perfect for this mission.
NASA would never have the guts to shoot a baby into space.
And your father is a former astronaut.
What an honor.
Last time, I almost killed everybody.
And what did you learn from that? Lessons, I guess.
LISA: Okay.
Mom, Dad and Bart don't want to go to Mars.
So this must be some sort of mind-game reverse super-fake-out.
HOMER: Poor Lisa.
She is so faked out.
LISA: And all I have to do is be patient.
Pretty soon, they'll get sick of this and quit.
HOMER: I'm getting sick of this.
I think I'll quit soon.
LISA: It's just a matter of time.
HOMER: I wonder which one of these two guys is the one I quit to? PAUL: We will now test your ability to handle close confinement.
For the next week, you'll be living in the Martian Habitat Simulator.
I'll man this station.
(zips door closed) (zips door open) (zips door closed) Okay, Mom.
Since you're so excited to go to Mars, you'll be thrilled to start on the hab's daily maintenance procedures.
"Nutrition Zone Sterilization Sequence.
" (gasps) That's just kitchen cleanup.
Fun! No, no, no.
Procedures aren't "fun.
" Sure, if you call them "procedures," they're a bore, but if you think of them as "chores," they can be a blast! (grunts) They're not chores! They're science! Ooh, there's even directions on how to properly clean this binder.
(humming happily) Oh, no.
You cannot like this more than me.
(both humming) (Lisa hums louder) Dinner is served! I rehydrated it with love.
And recycled toilet water.
(Homer and Bart moaning) So good, Marge! Well, today I tested nitrogen levels in our atmosphere.
They were the same as yesterday.
More toilet carrots, please! (annoyed groan) HOMER: Can't sleep.
(grunting) My sleeping pod's too small.
They have an expansion mode for morbidly obese astronauts.
(grunts) Hmm.
I know we're just here to fake-support our daughter, but you're pretty good at this space junk.
Moms spend their whole lives obsessing over unlikely catastrophes.
In space, that's what you're supposed to do.
(humming happily) (whistling) (humming) (sighs) (grunting) (panting) (grunting) (exhales) BARRY: The hab study is complete.
To all the male participants, your monumental incompetence has sullied and cheapened space forever.
Now get out.
Good.
It's a stupid idea and I hope everyone dies.
HOMER: You're letting the Martians in! (Comic Book Guy exhales) BART: I'm keeping the jumpsuit.
Marge and Lisa, congratulations.
You've both passed with flying colors and will be named finalists in our astronaut search.
Marge, you're a revelation.
Most of our candidates are of the egghead loner variety.
Bookworms, teacher's pets, friendless middle children, that sort of thing.
(growls) But you display an amazing ability to perform repetitive tasks without getting bored.
Even our robotic arm gets a little cranky.
Ow! That's two, Lorraine! (whirs softly) May I talk to you in private, please? Admit it: the only reason you're here is to support me until I lose interest and quit.
Well, I'm not going anywhere, so you can quit.
Maybe I don't want to quit.
Do you realize what a big deal it is to be a space colonist? Yes! That's why I want to do it! I think you don't like that I'm just as good at Mars as you.
Maybe even better.
Ha! Hardly.
All you are is a a stay-at-hab space wife! Hmm.
Well, it looks like the ego has landed.
You're the last person I would ever want to go to Mars with.
In ten years.
That's too bad, because I'm going with you.
In ten years.
LISA: On Mars, that would be a door slam! Sometimes I feel like Lisa has no respect for me.
I know, I know.
I'm finally good at something and she has to make it into a competition.
That must be really hard for you.
It is.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Thank you.
Mom's always trying to hold me back! I know, I know.
I can't be her little girl forever.
That must be really hard for you.
It is! I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Thank you.
That listening-to-women junk you taught me really works.
The trick is in the nodding.
Dad, after seeing Mom and Lisa go at it, I'm glad our relationship is about physical abuse, not psychological.
Me, too, boy.
Aw.
This press conference was originally scheduled to introduce our ten Mars mission finalists.
However, our rivals at Space Colony One, a division of Pepperidge Farms, just announced that their Mars rocket is nearing completion.
We made a solemn promise to Fig Glutens that they would be the first cookie on Mars.
Therefore, we have moved up our launch date from 2026 to Thursday.
(gasping) Thursday? This Thursday? Are you all ready to be a part of history? I wanted to be someone who's bravely going to Mars eventually.
I haven't used my Open Table dining points! I'm still very much an alcoholic.
Uh, I-I guess we should leave, too.
I knew it! What? This has all been an elaborate charade.
You never had the guts to go to Mars.
Oh, I have the guts.
I once went to a rock concert by myself in the rain.
It was Loverboy.
Then let's go.
To Mars.
Yeah, let's go! To Mars.
Hmph.
Hmph.
Ladies and gentlemen, mankind's first residents of Mars, powered by Simmer-Time Dinner Sauces.
Dinner time is Simmer-Time.
For sauce.
(cheering) They're leaving in a week? Mom's my only good parent.
And Lisa's my only good kid! Why won't they admit that neither of them actually wants to go to Mars? I'm not giving up yet.
There's got to be a limit to their stubbornness, right? FLIGHT DIRECTOR: T-minus one minute to launch.
HOMER: D'oh! Here we go! I guess.
Yep.
We're doing this, apparently.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Mom.
There's no one I would rather go to Mars with.
I love you, sweetie.
I love you, too.
I don't want to go! This is the stupidest idea we ever had! Abort launch! That's a negative.
I think you're forgetting the motto of Blue Bronco: "Let's do this thing.
" FLIGHT DIRECTOR: Twelve eleven HOMER: This is not happening.
Do you know how to run the dishwasher? Of course not! Maybe we can use paper plates! Where the hell do we get those? Mom, no! Marge, no! FLIGHT DIRECTOR: three two one Ignition! It's not a real rocket.
It's the outside of a real rocket.
We did plan to build a real rocket.
And that's one thing they can never take away from us.
That plan is our legacy.
Then why did you move up the launch if you knew it was fake? To inspire the next generation.
And to provide a distraction while we drove away.
Then why are you still here? Our car wouldn't start.
Mom, doesn't it frighten you that we almost went to Mars out of sheer stubbornness? That's what a mother-daughter relationship is, sweetie.
A series of near-fatal emotional standoffs.
Okay, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Surely we can learn from this.
One day, we'll figure it out.
On this planet or another.
(chickens clucking) It's my life! If I want to leave Mars and move to Venus, you can't stop me! (annoyed grunt) Mom's always trying to hold me back.
I know, I know.
I can't be her little girl forever.
That must be really hard for you.
It is.
Nod-Bot is so sorry you have to go through this.
Thank you.
@elderman BARRY: Well, that's one for the win column.
PAUL: I can't wait to find out what we're gonna do next.
BARRY: We should fix racism.
PAUL: Racism is bad for business.
BARRY: And that is racism's fatal flaw.
PAUL: I'm thinking of an app that would use the best algorithms in the world.
BARRY: Algorithms like that would be great for this idea I've been back-burnering.
It's an ad-supported restaurant.
You get free food, but you have to watch ads.
If you want a hamburger, you watch five ads.
Tater Tots are, like, three ads.
Have you tried these things? PAUL: I've heard about them, actually, I didn't actually BARRY: They're good.
They're really good.
PAUL: I love everything you just said, but what if it was a barbershop? BARRY: Might be a good idea if you're interested in changing the world! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  The Burns Cage
The Simpsons s27e17 Episode Script
The Burns Cage
1 The Simpsons (grunts) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (Homer humming) (chuckles) What? What?! Hey! Up your Oh, sorry.
Yes, sir.
Who are these guys? (phone dings) Meh? The Simpsons Sir, please, don't do this! Oh, stop your Smithering.
(gasps) The Simpsons 27x17 The Burns Cage @elderman That was easy.
I did it.
All by myself.
Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot? Sorry, sir.
If there were a less spectacular way to save your life, I I should've found it.
You see This guy This guy's in love with you Mr.
Burns, coming down, I I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to.
The truth is, sir, I'm in love with The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me.
Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth.
Ooh, can you remove it? (grunts) I'll see you back at the office.
Don't be late.
I've lived Half of my life Living half of a life Waiting for U-234 Can't you see the fire Burning in my core? Is there a half life for hope? I know the answer is, "Nope" I've failed at my mission No fusion, just fission And now I'm here wishin' To be Decommissioned Have you ever felt down? Much worse than a meltdown My heart is covered in Burns (gasps) (gasps) (sighs) (sobbing) Larry, Moe and Curly, get out here now! (Homer whooping) So, you like fun and games? Well, games can be fun, so, uh, that's kind of redundant.
Would you like to rethink the question? (groans) Here's a game for you-- properly stack and store those rods then perform a complete turbine maintenance procedure.
Routine maintenance? We never do that.
Lots of us never get to do things.
Yeah, we know.
We heard your song.
(groans) (piano playing) Jacqueline Jones, reading for the part of Ilsa.
Oh, I like this one.
A cool girl.
Plus her father owns a print shop.
Free playbills.
Four color.
Yeah, yeah, smart.
Yes.
I can't fight it anymore.
I ran away from you once.
I can't do it again.
Strange choices.
Maybe that scrunchie's too tight.
Well, you can teach acting.
You can't teach popular.
We've got our Ilsa.
Are you sure? Even by school play standards, she's terrible.
Skinner, I'm setting down my clipboard to signify that all future auditions are just a formality.
Lisa Simpson, reading for the part of Ilsa.
(groans) The egghead? Pass.
Hard pass.
(in accent): Can I tell you a story? It's about a girl who came to Paris and met a man, a very great and courageous man.
She's good.
Yes, better than Little Miss Print shop and there you are.
Guess what, you've just been promoted a grade.
(chuckles) Everything she knew or ever became was because of him, and she looked up to him and worshipped him with a feeling she supposed was love.
(sighs) That's it! I'll audition for Rick.
Co-stars are always falling in love: Brad and Angelina, Kermit and Miss Piggy, Mrs.
Brady and Greg.
The role of Ilsa goes to Lisa.
(gasps) Yes! The role I was anagrammed to play.
And since only one child auditioned for the lead role I am proud to announce Rick will be played by I'm looking for a down-on-his-luck heel named Skinner.
(all gasp) (groans) (gasps, moans) Who are you? Name's Jack Deforest, and of all the schools in all the districts, I had to get transferred to this one.
(clicks tongue) You've got the part.
Well, that fills out the cast.
Milhouse, you're the understudy.
Understudy? Both those words are horrible.
(bird screeches) Hey guys, my, uh, head's a little wet from the decontamination shower.
Thanks.
De nada.
Let's see how that thing's working.
(whirring) (all groan) Not again! Bring it back, get it working, screw it on tight.
Both screws? SMITHERS: Yes.
(door slams) He's chewing our ass 'cause he's unhappy.
What are we gonna do here? I know the answer.
We have got to get that guy a woman.
A woman who can find him a man.
Okay, guys, to get Smithers off our backs, I'm gonna find him a boyfriend on this.
Homer, I'm a long-haul trucker, who's home-straight and highway-gay, but, uh, how do you know about Grinder? My wife put me on to it.
I was looking for an app for pepper grinders, and I found this.
Uh, doesn't Smithers dig Burns? Yeah, but Burns doesn't want Smithers.
Isn't it sad, Marge, when somebody really, really, really, really wants somebody, and they're sitting across the bar from you married to Homer? Moe, this is why I don't come here much.
Oh, yeah, you're right, Marge.
Hey, uh, I'm sorry.
MOE: Oh, yeah.
(groans) Can we just find a boyfriend for Smithers? Finally, a use for the Internet.
Hmm, no.
No.
Too smoldering.
Too lumberjack.
Too "look how fun I am.
" George Takei? Click me and we will boldly go to Yogurtland, but be warned: I don't care for people who cling on.
(laughs) (groans) Hey, why am I on this? Well, only one way to find out.
Swipe.
Maybe we should just invite them all to a party and see who Mr.
Smithers likes.
Good idea.
(with dramatic affectation): Did somebody here swipe me? Here's five bucks.
Visit my Dad.
Say you're me.
Finally, I'm paid to act.
Tell you what, if you buy a half-page ad in the program, Sam plays "As Time Goes By" with Hulk hands.
(register dings) You have a deal.
I'm glad someone's getting something from this play.
(sighs) As an understudy, all I get is to watch Lisa and Jack fall in love.
Oh, you're still here.
Look, Milhouse, if anything happens to that kid playing Rick you get the part.
If you catch my drift.
You know I can't catch.
(slurping) Don't judge me.
Jack, you're amazing.
You're blowing away everyone else in the play.
(in Peter Lorre voice): You despise me, don't you? (in Humphrey Bogart voice): If I gave you any thought, I probably would.
(in normal voice): I'll be in my trailer.
This isn't Fiji water.
Yo, dingus, someone doesn't want you in that play.
Who let you three gorillas out of the zoo? (laughs) Gorillas.
It's not funny.
(grunting, shouting) How'd you get the bullies to take out Jack? The most powerful bribe in the world: a free full-page ad in the play program.
It's a funny thing about fists, everyone gets them, but not everyone gets the instruction manual.
Oh, no, his mouth wrote checks his fists could cash! (gasps) Someone is using the go-round for non-merry purposes.
Attention: in Casablanca, the part of Rick Blaine will now be played by Milhouse.
Also, the cafeteria is out of buns, so for hamburgers we will now be using two slices of day-old toast.
That is all.
(crunching loudly) Where you're going, I can't Line! Follow! Sounds weird to me.
"I can't follow.
" "I can't follow.
" Also, why would Nazis respect letters of transit signed by De Gaulle? I may be pulling on a thread, but hear me out (groans) Everything looks great, Marge.
That cheese is cubed perfectly.
Thank you.
I get queasy when I see cubes that are cut on the bias.
(doorbell rings) Oh, Mr.
Smithers.
Come in, come in, come in.
Can I get you a Tom Collins? Hello, Tom Collins.
Hmm, I see what's going on here.
Fix up your boss so he won't be so hard on you.
Well, nice try.
I want a vodka tonic, and then I'm gonna leave.
Mr.
Collins, would you be charmed by horror stories of working with Bill Shatner? Uh, who? I like you already.
You know what? I don't think that attitude is the real you.
I believe you have a pinched nerve in your neck, and guess what? You're in luck, because I give great massage.
Sorry, not interested.
(bones popping) Wow, wow.
How did you do that? Would you like to discuss that over Peruvian tapas? Simpson, I'm stealing your bartender.
Take the next couple days off.
Woo-hoo! Three day bender! Are there any gay-themed songs about celebrating? Celebrate Good times, come on Let's celebrate Did you used to jog with Monty? Mm, sort of.
Come on, let's celebrate There's a party going on right here A celebration to last throughout the years (door opens) (humming) Smithers, where have you been? I'm dictating my autobiography.
Chapter One: A Commotion at the Telegraph Office.
I'm afraid I have other plans.
There are no other plans.
Now take my picture for the back cover.
No, sir, I don't think I will.
In fact, what I'm going to do is quit! (gasps) My God, I did it.
I actually quit.
No one quits me.
(groans) One more button.
(screams) You're forgetting who installed this system.
Ahoy-hoy! So, you want time off for your sister's funeral? (laughs) Miss Naegle, release the hounds.
Wh-What do you mean? Send vicious dogs to rip him to shreds.
But wouldn't I be criminally liable? I said release! Release, release! That sounds vaguely sexual.
I'm gonna have to file a grievance.
Also, let's just see how you've been treating those hounds.
What the Okay, we're gonna have to shut this all down.
You know, he doesn't give me health insurance and I, uh, I think I have rabies.
Okay, that's it, Mr.
Burns.
I'm gonna need to speak to your head of Human Resources.
It's this guy.
Um what are you doing? Oh, sorry.
I used to do that for Mr.
Burns.
Ah, forget about Burns.
Ancient-a history.
I left-a the Italy 40 years ago, but do you see me-a crying in my pappardelle rustiche con salsiccia e porri? Waylon, just what did you see in him? Now to set her down gently on the golf course.
You're right, totally.
I'm here for you.
Listen, I'm making a trip to Cuba, okay? My homeland, where my accent is not so reedickoloss.
Come with me to Havana.
(Cuban music plays) SMITHERS: W-wait a minute.
I'm not sure.
But this is the route we're gonna take.
Oh, what the hell, this is gonna be the time of my life.
I'm in! (crying) Milhouse is the worst actor I've ever seen, and I have to play opposite him! He's so bad.
Look at his headshot.
(Marge groans) Whenever I'm dealing with someone who isn't doing a great job, what I do is treat them like they're perfect.
(sniffles) Really? If they sense you believe in them, they'll get better.
Did our taxes, Marge.
The government owes us $2 million.
That is really, really great, but maybe you should check again.
What? Oh, I my mistake.
We owe them $37.
That's some nice adding.
Yeah.
(Cuban music playing) I've done it.
I'm happy.
I'm in a new world and completely forgotten about (shouts) What, the buzzard of death? (gasps) It reminds you of him! I'm sorry, sir.
(gasps) You address me like I am him.
Everything reminds you of him! I bet that mural of him being driven out of Cuba in 1959 reminds you of him! Waylon, I am a man who needs 100% commitment, okay? Okay, well, maybe not 100, but at least, like, 20, you know, which is the percentage that your cell phone needs to stay in the green.
So tell me now, Waylon.
Am I in the green? (sighs) I'm afraid not.
(sobbing) Beneath this mask I am crying.
Everyone who's replaced Smithers has been nothing but trouble.
You're my lawyers, tell me what to do.
Sir, I think your only option is to get Mr.
Smithers back.
You'll have to give him money.
Lots of money, but it won't be enough.
(lawyers muttering agreement) Yes, I suppose what this calls for is a personal apology straight from my heart.
Have it on my desk first thing tomorrow and write yourselves apologies from me to you for making you work late, and they'd better sound sincere.
You're going to be great.
I already am because you just told me so.
Oh.
(giggles) Thank you.
So, what brought you to Casablanca? I came here for the waters.
There are no waters in Casablanca.
I was misinformed.
(audience cheers) Is it just me or is Milhouse really killing it? He's like a young Noah Wylie.
(groans) If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
(audience cheers) You did it, Marge.
This earns my highest praise: get through-able.
Milhouse, you were incredible.
Maybe that's because I'm not Milhouse.
(gasps) Oh, but, is Milhouse okay? Is Milhouse ever okay? Good point.
(laughs) Now let's go to the soda fountain and ask the jerk for a float with two straws.
What year are you from? (laughs) Oh, who cares? Mr.
Burns, Mr.
Smithers, I make-a something very special for your reunion.
One cheese pizza.
Well, Smithers, I got here as soon as I heard you wanted to meet.
Took something called Uber, which I thought would be a Wehrmacht staff car, but turned out to be a (groans) Prius, driven by a (groans) woman.
Now, down to business.
It's all here.
Everything it'll take to get him back.
Oh, no, forgot the Starbucks card.
Is it too late to Sir, before you start, let me say I don't want money, and I don't want some letter written by your lawyers.
I want to know why you want me back.
I see.
Well, the thing is, you really care about me, don't you? Maybe a little, still.
All right, Smithers.
There's one thing I've never given you.
I kept it bottled up inside all these years and here it is your performance review.
(gasps) It's excellent.
Amazingly, that's enough.
Thank you, sir.
You must remember this A kiss is just a kiss No music! I heard you serve 10-year-olds.
That's referring to the age of the pickled eggs, but, uh, I'll get you a milk.
Mr.
Smithers, why do guys do such stupid things when it comes to dames? Hey, you been talking to that weird Bogart kid? He came around here trying to talk me into an expedition to find some gold.
Yeah, so I'm getting the mules.
Let me tell you about dames, Milhouse.
I know nothing about them, but as for love, what keeps you going is the thrill of the chase.
The possibility that one day you might get what you want, even though the reality is you probably never will.
That's why I don't chase dames.
Just gold.
I'll be back in six months with one-third of the biggest treasure you ever saw.
(Theme from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre plays) @elderman Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  How Lisa Got Her Marge Back
The Simpsons s27e18 Episode Script
How Lisa Got Her Marge Back
1 The Simpsons 27x18 How Lisa Got Her Marge Back (exclaiming) @elderman (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Yech! (somber music) BART: Yes! (chuckles) (humming happily) (chuckles): Oh, China, is there nothing that can't be made in you? (gentle wind chime) Hmm.
(humming happily) Ah, my first sucker.
(chuckles) Oh, a dollar.
Now I can have lunch.
Hmm? It's a trick! I never needed these.
(humming happily) (groans) Oh, lookie here, it's the ol' fishing line on a dollar bill prank.
Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, um, what was my point? That is a practical joke, Luann.
Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar.
I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.
Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes.
Yay! School clothes.
This isn't right, no one's falling for my pranks.
Huh! At least it wasn't a total waste.
I found a quarter.
(grunts with effort) (all laugh) Well, we sure got him good.
Duh, what a moron, duh.
I sure wish Archie was alive to see it.
(engine starts) Duh (groans) ANNOUNCER: It's Thursday night, and that can only mean, counter-intuitively, football! BRITISH ANNOUNCER: From London's Wembley Stadium, the Jacksonville Jag-u-ars and Tampa Bay "Bucs" vie for Florida bragging rights.
Asterisk: Does not include Miami.
(to the tune of "Downtown"): When you're not happy Watching your Downton Abbey You can always see Oh! Football Not British Football But American Football Which has higher scores Touchdown.
If these U.
K.
clichÃ©s are any indication, we are in for one gobsmacking match.
To see or not to see.
That is no question.
Dad, I'm worried.
No one is falling for my pranks anymore.
Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more.
What you've got to remember is-- oh, my God, 13 men in the field! Review it, review it, review it.
Yes! Play stands! (crowd cheering over TV) MARGE: Here comes the airplane! Zhoop! Thanks to your late football-watching, you missed breakfast.
Eh, don't worry, Marge, I'll make my own.
Meh.
(bell dings) Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.
(groans) Can I hear it? (playing jazzy tune) Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work.
Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks.
(car door shuts, tires screeching away) (solo ends) (panting, chuckling) Brava.
(giggles) I knew you'd like it.
(pacifiers pop) (groans) Hey, I am too young to be over the hill.
Lucky for me, there's a Ralph born every minute.
Hey, Ralph, how about a napkin? Do I look stupid? (humming cheerfully) Mmm! Wall licorice.
(teeth chomp, electricity crackles) Aah! (Homer chuckling) Marge, nothing says "I'm sorry" better than flowers.
Except for fundamental behavioral change, but you can't buy that at the supermarket.
(sniffs) They do smell nice.
Hey, Dad, want to hear my solo? I added a few variations today.
Of course I would.
Okay.
Aw, my reed is split.
I'll be right back.
I've already heard Lisa's song once.
I've had a long day, and to be completely honest, I really can't stand jazz.
(startled gasp) What about when Lisa plays it? All the same.
Ugh.
(note plays) MARGE: Sounds great, honey.
(sobs) So, you really don't like jazz? (chuckles) I never realized we have so much in common.
And scat-singing.
She-bee-bee-dee-dee-diddly-bop- dee-do I give a darn? So, all these years, you've been lying to me? (both gasp) Be-beep-ba-boop-boop.
So, let's get it all out here.
Mom, you were only pretending to like it this morning when I played My Funny Valentine.
That was My Funny Valentine? Hoo-boy.
Wouldn't expect you to get it.
(sobbing): So busy juggling three children, you don't even notice when one is hanging by a thread, a thread you just cut forever! Lisa, this a family.
You do not take that tone with another family member.
You tell 'em, butterbean.
Shut up, idiot.
Lisa, honey, you're hurt, but hurting me back is not going to feel as good as you think.
Just know that I am very, very sorry.
Hmm! Hmph! Mm Hmm (high-pitched): Mm! Hm! (groans playfully) Good night, Marjorie.
(gasps) MARGE: Marjorie.
She called me "Mar-jo-rie.
" So? Bart calls me Homer.
You know that's out of disrespect.
Dis-respect? Is that a word? Yes.
And there's this guy at work that calls me Hoss.
What's that all about? This is awful.
Lisa and I have always been so close.
Now, for your first day at school, you get what my mother gave me.
Pearls? Just like Mommy's.
Dad, is there anything you pass along? Predilection for kidney stones.
What if Lisa doesn't want to be friends with me anymore? Marge, it's not your job to be friends with your kids, it's my job.
Good night, sweetie.
(sighs) Oh, uh, Bart and I are gonna see an R-rated movie Saturday.
It has boobs, but they're elf boobs.
Is that cool? Hmm.
I guess.
(Homer chuckles) So long, whoopee cushion.
(fart noise) (sad music plays) Ah, good old peanut brittle.
What the? A coiled wire spring covered by a snake-patterned vinyl sheath? (boinging, whirring, whistling) (mooing) Lisa, our weekend in Capital City will make us friends again.
I don't see your saxophone.
That must be a relief to you.
Honey, I want you to bring it.
Sure, should I grab some Kenny G CDs too? Some Chuck Mangione? That would be lovely! Oh, I-I get it, they're popular, so you don't like them.
Just please get your sax.
Airport shuttle? Yes, I'm going on a trip with a special little girl.
That baby is adorable.
Oh, it's not the baby.
Great, now I've got both daughters mad at me.
May I say that you sound like a terrible mother? But no one ever cares what the shuttle bus driver thinks.
"Take me to terminal four," they say.
Actually, we're at terminal three.
Arguing with everyone today, aren't you? Okay, we'll see you on Monday, Homer.
I'm feeling really sad too, Dad.
Nothing cheers people up like a baby.
Hey! Boy, we each have to do our part, and I'm gonna make dinner.
And I'm gonna start with (gentle, happy melody playing) Ice cream! Come back! Don't make me jog.
Why is your father chasing after the spay and neuter van? You got me.
What do I do with you? (chuckles) Hey, this is fun.
(groans affectionately) Wow.
Wow! I like having a sister.
Helps that you don't say anything.
I wonder how you are at pranks.
BOTH: We're not worthy.
We're not worthy.
(scared noises) I'm back! Don't drop that angel.
Hi, folks, and welcome to the Capital City Dream Tour.
If you're here for the Capital City Crime Tour, that leaves in 20 minutes.
Let's wave to that to that ordinary hot dog vendor.
(hip-hop music plays) Wow, he's anything but ordinary.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned up one of Capital City's Broadway-caliber shows.
(bright, brassy Broadway melody playing) (sighs) There's got to be something here that'll calm down little yellow pill.
Here comes Paul To guard the mall But when will he fall in love? Hey, G.
I.
Jane Let's make it plain How do you train for love? Men in black We'll state a fact The thing that you lack is love.
I always like when a black guy teams up with a white guy.
It gives us hope.
(gasps) That's the show for Lisa.
She'll love it! The Bad News Bears? Is there nothing so beautiful that they won't keep exploiting till it's worthless? Well, they're expensive, which means if I die, you're still taking me.
Also, I bought you a little present from a street vendor.
They're earrings.
He's a cool cucumber, huh? Mom, I'm really not into jewelry right now.
(gasps) You're not wearing your pearls.
Um, the clasp wasn't working.
I can fix it.
There are some things that can't be fixed.
What are you saying? (sobbing): You really don't understand how much this has hurt me.
Jazz is my thing, and you said you loved my thing, but you lied.
You'll have a daughter someday, too.
And when she yells at you like that she'll be right.
(crying) LISA: Oh, who can sit with their back turned as their mother is crying? (continues crying) A jazz musician, that's who.
Well, you guys understand.
Don't look at me, I'm a pity present.
I'm just glad I'm not in a salad.
(continues crying) Oh Grand Papa, es muy glamouroso.
Solo lo mejor para my princesa.
(laughs) Why didn't I get in the quinceaÃ±era game years ago? (chuckles) Uh, excuse me, sir, I have three sisters turning 15.
(gasps) Oh boy.
Can you hold baby Maggie here, while I check out las tiaras para la quinceaÃ±era? Oh, a cute little rugrat like that? You betcha.
Hey, look at ol' Gil holding a baby.
I'm not even dropping it.
Oh! Why did I say that? Now it's all I can think about.
(porcelain shatters) Oh, every time I get a great job, I drop a baby.
(both laugh) MARGE: If I can just get her to share an armrest, that would be a start.
Hmm (groans) A ragtag bunch of misfits And a no-goodnik rub-a-dub How can I make them winners In baseball And at love? Hm.
Corey Leak is a hip-shakin', rule-breakin' bad boy (effeminately): I'm a bad boy.
But I've got a crush on Amanda, so I will mend my roughish (sustained): Way s-ah! Oh.
KIDS: Here comes the tying run.
Tie, Corey, tie.
You're out! To you, I'm out But to me, I'm home CAST: Time for the Show stopper Yeah! The big cork popper (corks popping, audience applauds and whistles) Lisa, you're gonna have to admit it, your mom has the bad taste of well, a mom.
I'm gonna have to mother myself.
You quit complaining, and pretend you like it.
(groaning quietly) I knew she'd come around.
What's all this nonsense? (cheers and applause) Quit clapping, I've got a hangover.
We'll win the game Of love! Exit to your left.
(cheering and applause) That's too tight, Bill.
(orchestra playing bouncy melody) Wonderful.
Did it do it for you too? Not yet.
Stand back.
I said stand back.
Who are you? Oh, you were our star tonight.
That's a performance I'll never forget.
So what are you sophisticated ladies up to next? Well, I thought we might have an after show nosh at the Penny Loafer.
Invitation noted and accepted.
(chuckles nervously) Well, good, because getting a table for three is so much easier.
Hey! You're not Nathan Lane! (scissors clipping) (Homer humming happily) Here he comes.
Aw, don't worry, Bart Jr.
, Daddy will get that for you.
(grunts, spits) (grunts) Why you little (grunts) Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby! (gasps) Oh my God.
That would've been horrible.
Why you little (grunts) (chokes) Turning a sweet little baby into a you! (grunts) (Bart continues choking) Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass.
Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.
Okay, Dad.
Mags, it was fun while it lasted.
Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy.
(chuckles) Stop that! (shrieks) Sideshow Bob! So, Lisa, think we'll see any stars? Mom, it's a tourist trap.
Celebrities don't actually come in here.
Until today, right? Well, you never know.
I'll ask the hostess if anyone's expected.
Aw, she keeps doing this.
I'm sorry, what? Every time she tries to fix things between us, it just emphasizes how different we are.
For what it's worth, my mom loved your show tonight.
She pretty much sees the best in everything.
Amazing, really, considering she has a husband who randomly shows up to work, a son who, God bless him, is probably heading for the chair.
And an ungrateful little girl who ignores her mother's frantic attempts at reconciliation, and tells family secrets to a total stranger.
A total stranger The New York Times calls "a charming presence.
" You don't know me at all! But hardly anybody likes jazz.
Why should I expect my mom to? That's right, you have to see the other side.
The one that always makes you wrong.
(sobs): Mom.
Mom, I can't stay mad at you.
I'm putting my pearls back on.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
And I apologize for expressing my sincere feelings.
(saxophone playing) (sighs) Why don't you show us what you got, Lisa? (chuckles) That's right, I learned your name.
It's not all about me, Andrew Rannells.
20 bucks for ten minutes with the sax.
( playing intro to "Don't Rain on My Parade") Hey, that little turd can play.
I'm just getting warmed up.
(orchestra playing intro to "Don't Rain On My Parade") Don't tell me not live Just sit and putter Life's candy and the sun's A ball of butter Don't bring around a cloud BOTH: To rain on my parade My parade.
Sorry.
Don't tell me not to fly I simply got to If someone takes a spill, it's me, and not you Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade Get ready for me, Love 'Cause I'm a "comer" I simply got to march My heart's a drummer Nobody, no Nobody Is gonna rain on (sustained): My parade (continues holding note, then song ends) Well, what do you think? My golden girl.
(grunts) Straight ahead is the the 19th Street Liquor Store, the epicenter of the 1967 riots, which never fully stopped.
(camera shutters click) Ahead is the high rise where State Senator Wilcox was shot in mid-air, as he plummeted to his death.
(camera shutters click) (groans happily) Best trip of my life.
(Lisa groans happily) @elderman (Lisa grunting) (playing Gerry Mulligan's "Apple Core") (snoring) (toy saxophone squeaking) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Fland Canyon
The Simpsons s27e19 Episode Script
Fland Canyon
1 Take that, kite-eating tree.
The Simpsons 27x19 Fland Canyon (exclaiming) @elderman (school bell ringing) Morning! (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) (horn honking) (exclaiming) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (groans) (jaunty melody playing) (horn ooh-gahs) (upbeat orchestral melody playing) (sighing, groaning) (laughing) HOMER: Go to sleep Little Marge Close your eyes Start to yawn You will wake up with the dawn.
(sucking) Dawn (sucking) Dawn Dawn Large fries.
Yes, sir.
Dawn (sucking) MARGE: Did you get the baby to sleep? (sucking) D'oh! Oh, no.
Oh, I can't read that again.
I hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites.
I'll tell you a story that'll put you to sleep.
It's one your mother told me.
Luann Van Houten uses flavored Crisco instead of butter for shortbread cookies.
(yawning): Which is, apparently, flakier, but at what cost? (yawning): And she (muttering) (snoring) (Homer muttering) HOMER: Wh? Huh? What the ? Okay, sweetie, I got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods, but it wasn't a girl, and it wasn't the woods.
(sucking) Suck, suck, indeed.
And it all happened once upon a time, before you were born, and my chances for a man cave went out the window.
(sucking) Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.
When God came for Sunday, I said nothing.
Now he comes for Saturday.
Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well, (scoffs) that just curls my 'stache.
Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it? Oh, where does the Bible say zip it? It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses.
Thank you for teaching us Scripture.
Thank you.
You know, all this helping others is giving me the most satisfying feeling ever.
So satisfying.
Uh, Lenny Oh, huh.
I get why they do it.
Totally get it.
(whimpers) Hey, Carl, you want to buy all my stuff for five dollars? (dog howling in distance) Well, thank you all for spending the day thinking of others instead of yourselves.
Saturday.
It was a Saturday.
Now, a reward to the most selfless cleaner: A family vacation to the Grand Canyon.
The winner: Ned Flanders.
Surprise, surprise.
The guy that did the best job wins.
NED: Mm-hmm! But this gift certificate is for two families.
Hey, Reverend, we'd love it if you and Helen would join us.
Um uh uh Mm Of course we'd love to join you, but I've noticed that you and Homer haven't been the friendliest "neighboreenos," if you get my diddly.
Uh, well, Ned, I think the Lord would want you to take the Simpsons on this trip.
Our Lord? Yes.
Our Lord.
For would it not indeed be glorious, if in visiting a natural chasm, two quarrelsome neighbors would bridge the chasm of their own discord.
Well, I guess if Job could accept his burdens.
Uh, in America, it's pronounced "job," Flanders.
(laughing): We can settle it when we're zipped up together in a sleeping bag.
(groans) Welcome aboard.
Oh, oh, we'd love to go, but is it such a good idea to travel with another family? It's fun.
We travel with the Hibberts all the time.
We ran into you once, in Cincinnati.
And we had dinner.
We slid our tables together.
We were in a booth we could not get out of.
(groaning sadly) Homie, we should go.
You and Ned need to learn to get along.
You said the same thing about me and Bart.
No.
The judge said the same thing about you and Bart.
Judges.
If they were any good they'd be lawyers.
Okay, we'll go.
But if Flanders gets so annoying that I can't take it anymore, the code word is octopus.
Can it be something else? I don't like things with hidden beaks.
Octopus or nothing.
Okay.
So we took eight-year-old Bart, and six-year-old Lisa.
After ten hours of driving, I finally saw the most glorious site.
(engine revs, then tires screech) (groaning) Ah ah ah Ah ah Ah (growls) Ah, ah, ah Ah oh oh, oh, yeah.
Ah ah yeah.
(hums) (loud swallowing) (grunting) Ah.
MARGE: Oh.
It's like Disneyland for thin people.
Did you know that the Grand Canyon was created by erosion? And before 1871, it was called Big Canyon? Okay, that's it.
We're on vacation.
(crying) Why, you little (rattling) (both grunting) (both laughing) Whoa.
Keep 'em coming, boy.
Oh, ooh.
That one stung me.
(laughing) Ow.
That's enough.
HOMER AND BART: Aw.
We're here to enjoy ourselves.
If you just turn your head slightly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
No time.
Homer.
(GrofÃ©'s "Sunrise" from The Grand Canyon Suite playing) HOMER: Wow.
Wow.
And they say we're running out of room for our garbage.
(shudders) NED: Go tell it on the mountain Over the hills and everywhere Go tell it on the mountain That Jesus Christ is born Born, born, born, born Go tell it on the mountain Octopus.
Octopus.
Oct-ar-pus.
A vacation with Flanders? That's like telling you a bedtime story without a beer.
(pop of bottle opening) (sighs) Now, where were we? Thank you, ma'am.
Eh.
Thank you.
Eh.
Mm-hmm.
Am I such a terrible mother that my son doesn't even know to say thank you to a waitress? Come on, honey.
What do you say? You want me to lie and say I'm thankful for chicken and veg when I wanted whiskey- battered bourbon bangers? Just say thank you.
My boy never said thank you.
Now he's on death row.
Was on death row.
(snoring) Daddy, when will the noise stop? Hmm.
Take these.
Ugh.
Those were earplugs.
(boys groan) Wow, I never thought there'd be something I'd want to stare at longer than that car wreck on the way here.
We've got to hurry before they run out of mules.
Ooh.
Is that what they're serving for breakfast? (Marge groans) HOMER: How about donkeys? MARGE: No.
Huh? That's odd.
Enjoying your moon view, Homer? Why you little Two can play at that game.
(squeaking) (groaning) (Bart laughing) Stupid kid.
So embarrassing.
I'm a little nervous with all these waivers we have to sign.
Marge, this is a national park.
People are completely safe here.
Now let's do my favorite thing: go downhill.
Whoa.
You're 180? My blood pressure is.
Okay.
Uh, let's get you a mule, dude.
Oh (loud braying) Get me El Gordo.
Gordo here used to carry 200-pound granite blocks up from the canyon.
(Gordo groaning) (GrofÃ©'s "On the Trail" from The Grand Canyon Suite playing) This has got to be the most beautiful thing we've ever stole from the Indians.
(car engines) What is that? A billionaires' retreat.
Yeah, the heads of America's most powerful media companies have come to enjoy nature.
DRIVER: Put up the cell phone tower.
I said I wanted a Tom Cruise type, not Tom Cruise.
Burn down the cell phone tower.
I can't stand rich people.
Can I name my mule? We prefer you don't.
Is there a name for this trail? I'm sure there is.
Is this a fun job? Not at the moment.
Do you count as a grownup? My parents don't think so.
You're a grownup to me.
Thanks.
Here, have a piece of the canyon.
Are you sure it's okay? Hey, it only makes the canyon grander.
BOTH: Aah! Aah! Aah! I don't know where your son gets it, Marge.
I'm only going to say this once, but I think you're a little checked out.
(echoing): Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Well, your kids aren't exactly perfect.
Yay! We can improve.
Let's think about it quietly.
(groans) (sniffing) Boy, I bet that mustache smells really bad, huh? Oh, don't you rip on my lip strip.
(sniffs) I smell candles and-and pew polish.
We're near a church.
(sniffs) Catholic, if I don't miss my guess.
Hmm.
A little Popish for my taste, but I did come here for adventure.
Geez, Flanders, you find God in everything.
God is in everything.
He's omnipresent.
You mean, if I check into the Omni Hotel right now, he's there? As a matter of fact, he is.
Then, from now on, we're staying at the Hyatt Regency.
You're banned there, Dad.
Not as Hagwar Swanson.
(with Scandinavian accent): I love this country.
(shudders) Are you sure this is safe? Totally.
You're with State Farm, right? Where's our guide? Where's the trail? (squawking) (humming) Aw.
(shrieks) Big Maggie.
I'd like to hear the rest.
I still have my piece of the canyon.
Ugh.
(growls) Okay.
It was looking rough Oh, no bars.
You mean, on your phone? Hey, you're right.
Oh, more bad news.
Oh, most of the food was on the guide's mule.
I sure am glad somebody packed all this whitefish salad.
I'm willing to eat some.
And if I die, you know it's bad.
Homer, it's time for you and me to go out and get help.
Please be careful, Uncle Ned.
I will, Bart.
Please, please be careful.
Don't worry.
If you don't come back, I'll be so sad.
Excuse me? What about over here? Right.
(grunts) Please, please be careful.
(braying) Please.
Let's go, Flanders.
Oh, no.
The poor thing gets night terrors.
I forgot to say "God bless the mailman.
" He's not awake, but he's not asleep.
Do your kids get these? I will now that I know what they are.
Other kids say I'm in their nightmares.
I'm not your puppet, Bart.
I'm not.
(grunting) You ever seen stars this bright, Homer? Blessed is the beauty of our Lord.
(sighs) (gunshots) (clicking) Amen.
Listen, Flanders.
This trip has given me time to think.
If I die here, you're welcome to live in my carcass for warmth.
I'm not living in your carcass.
Oh, come on.
You make it sound like a bad thing.
Look, we're saved! We just go down there, get some food and help returning to civilization.
GUARD (over megaphone): Attention, people talking.
Unless you are here to dispose of our poop, we will start shooting in five minutes.
(dance music playing) (animals screeching) How is that even camping? It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven.
Sometimes I just don't get it.
What I'm saying is, the eye of the needle is very small, and a camel No.
I mean down there-- they have everything we need to survive, but they won't share.
Maybe if I look through these binoculars one more time, I'll-I'll see something better.
(gasps) We've got to go in and steal what we need.
Well, thou shalt not steal.
But if I don't steal, that's coveting.
That's bad, too.
Look, Flanders, we tried things your way, and it failed.
Now let's try mine.
Okay.
W-Wait! We never did things my way.
Too late.
(voice fading): I'm already rolling downhill.
Ow, sharp rock.
Ooh, cactus! (screams) More scorpions.
Is that all you can do? Sting? (yells) Now they're pinching.
(whispering): Easy, Flanders, don't make a sound.
Okay, here.
(Ned grunting) Come on, take this.
(both grunting) Oh, I got it.
Oh, it's heavy.
(brays) Ready to go.
(gunshots) Uh, we're too heavy.
Toss off what we don't need.
(grunting) (gunshot) Fine.
We can do without salad forks.
Whoo-hoo! No sugar tonight for the coffee No sugar tonight for their tea We took all their fancy cheeses And their tasty charcuterie (growls) Trout solo! Ba-da-ta-da-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-ta-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-dee-doo-da-da.
Grand Canyon! Yeah! (air whooshing) You know, Homer, we make a good team.
Homer? HOMER: Breakfast time.
Come and get it! (echoing): Come and get it! Come and Ugh.
Not again.
Tablecloths.
Caviar.
Bacon! (munching) Bacon.
No, this was before Lisa was a vegetarian.
That's right.
I had the arteries of a 20-year-old.
I'm gonna miss you, pal.
(neighs) (chuckles) Well, Homer, you think this will be one of those vacations where the friendship we made will last forever or start eroding the minute we enter our cars? Flanders, like all friendships between men, in the end it's up to our wives.
Mm-hmm.
NED: That was a nice story, Homer.
You know, sometimes I wish this (chuckles) grand canyon between us, uh, wasn't so large.
The offer still stands.
You can live in my carcass.
There's room in my legs for the boys.
Maybe we could just store old clothes in you.
I'd like that.
And you know what, Flanders? I think we owe you guys a trip.
Always wanted to visit the postcard museum.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
I wonder if they sell postcards in the gift shop.
We don't.
(GrofÃ©'s Grand Canyon Suite playing) @elderman Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  To Courier With Love
The Simpsons s27e20 Episode Script
To Courier With Love
1 MILHOUSE: Whee! Uh-oh! (exclaiming) The Simpsons 27x20 To Courier With Love (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) @elderman (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (fanfare plays) (dramatic music playing) Hey.
How ya doin' there? (both grunting) (murmuring angrily) (grunting furiously) (humming) (squawks) Ah.
(irritated murmurs) (gibbering) (reluctantly agreeing noise) Ook.
(grunting) Ow.
I brought fried chicken! Biscuit! First dibs! Homer, you have to do more.
Ook?! I'm getting tired of your ooks.
I can't do this alone.
Where's your chore list? Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated.
And to make sure I do it Hmm? (groans) I've never seen this.
It must've been left by some previous owner.
Holy moly! A valuable antique car! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.
(grunting) (engine starts) Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car? Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.
Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is trover, trover, trover.
Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down.
(tires screech) Chubby dude in a tiny car Making friends both near and far In this little town he's a shooting star That's a chubby dude In a tiny car From Shelbyville to Zanzibar It doesn't matter where you are There's not a thing that can com-par To a chubby dude in a tiny car.
Aw, the needle's on "E.
" Uh, I got something that works as gasoline.
(bell dinging) (honks jauntily) Daddy's home! Daddy's home! Hello, children.
For you, daughter, a little ragdoll.
For you, son, a Florida orange.
You know, there's something truly amazing about you, Dad.
Everything's an adventure.
You go to clean the garage and you find a classic car.
Yes, fortune favors the bald.
Now for the best part: sharing my great day with your mom.
(hums, spits) Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room.
I'm glad you had a good day.
You don't sound glad.
I'm not glad.
But you said you were glad.
You need to read between the lines.
Why? There's just white space there.
(sighs deeply) (voice breaking): I'm sorry, Homie.
Your life is full of fun surprises.
My life sucks.
(sobbing) HOMER: Uh-oh.
Tissues? (sniffs) Oh Well, would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh? Your hands smell like steering wheel.
(sniffs) Hmm.
Poor Marge.
What do I do? Help me, universe! (doorbell rings) Jay Leno? Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior.
Man, I-I'd like to buy it.
You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.
How much you want? I said no questions! Don't worry, this car is a piece of art, going where it will be admired.
To my secret underground car depository! (groaning) (sighs) It's time for me to do what I do best: prolong this marriage.
You wanted a good surprise, Marge? You've got it.
We are going on the trip of our lives.
Really? Where? (doorbell rings) I'll be right back.
Let your imagination run wild.
Hey, Homer.
And you are? Jay Leno.
Hey, do you still have that money I gave you for the car? Sure do.
Well, uh, I'm gonna need it back.
But I just promised my wife Homer, I've collected hundreds of antique cars on the theory that they don't make 'em like they used to.
Well, I just bought this new Toyota.
Turns out it's much better.
I can go to the store and make it all the way back, it doesn't break down once.
Imagine that? Geez.
Yeah.
Here's your money back.
Can I have my car? Unfortunately, when I went to register it, it wasn't your car.
So the-the police took it.
Chubby cop in a tiny car Going to the nearest cop bar Well, see ya.
(car lock beeps) Unbelievable! It opens from here.
(laughs) The age we live in! I've decided where I want to go.
Um, ooh, the trolley at the mall? No, Paris! The most romantic city in the world.
(groans) Paris? What am I gonna do? (beeps) A travel agent! Oh, thank God you're not obsolete yet.
And a good morning to you, sir.
Here's the problem.
I've disappointed my wife so many times, I can't do it once more.
I see.
So I have to take her and our three kids to Paris.
But here's the challenge: I have no money.
Uh, let me see what I can do.
Anything coming up? No, it's not plugged in.
The noise helps me think.
All right.
There is a way but it is a tad risky.
Would you consider being a casual courier? You mean not like the fancy guys that ride the bicycles Let me explain.
The mob-- I mean, the courier company-- will pay airfare and hotel, and all you have to do is deliver a package.
But you cannot look inside the package.
Sure.
For Marge, I will make the supreme sacrifice of not doing something.
(humming) That's the "package.
" What package? The package you're delivering.
Ooh.
And the clients have asked me once more to remind you not to look inside.
Hey, buddy, I didn't start doing this yesterday! I started doing it right now.
Uh the package? Hmm.
Paris! I can't believe it! Homer Simpson, just when I think you have nothing left to offer, you whisk me to the birthplace of existentialism.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's an 11-hour flight and I have to visit the "Louvre.
" (chuckles) (humming) (annoyed chatter) MAN: Can't see the movie now.
HOMER: Everything's great.
Absolutely great.
Yet, there's something in that briefcase and it could get us in trouble.
My mind's running wild.
And you're not supposed to run on an airplane.
Oh, that's it, I have to open the briefcase.
(short scream) Oh, what a cute, blue sna (muffled grunts) (hyperventilating) HOMER: Okay, first thing, I've gotta figure out if it can breathe in there.
D'oh! Hmm.
Better try the other eye.
D'oh! Okay, maybe the first eye again.
What the? I found it.
It's an Amazon Blue Constrictor.
Ooh, it's a very rare and endangered species.
Oh, the trip of a lifetime.
(sighs) (whispering): I can't break her heart.
(whispering): Well, you can't let anything bad happen to that snake.
I promise.
And you have to promise to preserve another endangered species my marriage.
I promise.
Oh, for the first time, a snake has ruined paradise.
I'll get the luggage.
Marge, you and the kids grab a cab.
A Parisian cab.
(French accent): Taxi.
Taxi.
(giggles) Taxi.
Are you casual courier Homer Simpson? I am.
Here is your money.
Finally.
I've been here for two minutes.
Listen, what's gonna happen to, uh, the package? Oh, it will have a fine home.
A wonderful home.
As the belt around the waist of a well-dressed woman.
I am not gonna let you hurt that snake! You have to say "Lisa, catch" before you throw it.
Come on.
(grunts) Where did they go? Maybe we shouldn't have stopped for that seven-course meal.
Oh, maybe we should just have six, like peasants! So, back home we call this the tire fire.
Man, look at those gargoyles.
That's from back when religions still knew how to scare the crap out of you.
Homie, I have to ask.
Why are you carrying that briefcase? I just brought a little work.
You don't even bring your work to work.
(grunts) I'm sorry.
I just want this family to have one trip that's great.
Not like Australia or Brazil, Japan, London, China, that World's Fair Bart drove to, that place with the underground jockeys So, Dad, what are you gonna do with the snake? Itchy and Scratchy Land, outer space Lisa, I've come to understand a snake's natural habitat is not a briefcase.
So I'm going to set him free.
Oh, may I suggest the gardens of the Louvre? They're filled with delicious rats.
(gasps) (whoops) It's a shame Lisa and your father had that errand and couldn't join us.
But on the upside More pÃ¢tÃ© please! Vraiment? You want more pÃ¢tÃ©? Yes, before my cruelty- free daughter shows up.
Perhaps madam would like to order from our extra cruelty menu.
We have a coq Au vin made from an old rooster who was kicked to death in front of his wife and children.
Very nice.
On second thought, I'll just have a salad.
Ah, trÃ¨s bien.
Gilles, gouge the eyes out of some new potatoes! Ugh, I can't stand to look at this anymore.
Bart, can you ditch this in the alley for me? (clamoring) Hmm.
Starving models.
Well, Bart Simpson never met a beautiful woman he couldn't prank.
Dad, I love being on a caper in France with you.
Well, this is gonna be a snap.
All we need is to get our tickets from this automatic French ticket dispenser.
(grunting) (female voice speaking French) Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up! FEMALE VOICE: Votre billet.
Dad, you just bought a ticket to Argenteuil.
Prochain client, s'il vous plaÃ®t.
Stop speaking French, damn you! MALE VOICE (speaking German): Die Maschine nicht zu schlagen! Yes, sir.
(upbeat runway music plays) Here, skinny, skinny.
Here, skinny, skinny.
(models grunting) BART: I've never been happier.
Okay, you're free.
Now, remember to respect this ecosystem.
Come on, go.
You'll be a snake that lives in Paris.
It's a children's book that writes itself.
UGOLIN: Not so fast! (gasps) How did you find us? All tourists come to the Louvre.
Hey, it's got great paintings.
Oh, yeah? Name two.
Uh uh Uh Don't patronize us! You make belts from snakes.
We treat our high fashion animals in the most humane manner.
(gasps) You're monsters.
True, but that is just a part of who we are.
We are also poets.
Communists.
Experts on mustard.
They're gone! If we want to be criminals, we should keep a better eye on people.
It's really not that hard.
Do not worry.
There is one surefire way to find the Americans.
Marco! HOMER (far off): Polo! I say, "Marco!" HOMER (closer): Polo! LISA: Dad, control yourself.
HOMER: I got it.
Marco! HOMER: Polo! Oh, he tricked me.
(fading): Marco! Marco! Marco! Marco! Polo! Now what are we gonna do with the snake? We'll just have to keep him with us.
(gasps) What is it, Lisa? Do you see a Burger King? We're at rue des Lombards, home of the three most famous jazz clubs in Paris.
What do you think, Dad? Just pull the rope, please.
(playing jazz) How old are you? Eight.
TrÃ¨s bien.
We need a doctor! And someone who can play saxophone! Oh, which is which?! I'll show you.
LISA: I've never been happier.
(sighs) (sighs) (sighs) (sighs) Plastered in Paris.
There's no better feeling.
(sighing) Marge, there's something I need to tell you.
That briefcase.
I knew it was trouble.
Yes, this is my Battle of Essling.
Unless Napoleon had a more famous defeat I'm not aware of.
(gasps) I've been smuggling this snake this whole trip.
But it was the only way I could pay for it, and you wanted to go so badly.
And besides, those French crooks couldn't catch anybody.
There they are! No, no bridge! We'll have to board a Bateau Mouche.
A little champagne, some dancing, and then (groans) They're gone again! This joie de vivre is killing us.
HOMER: Man, I never thought I'd be so glad to get back to our own arrondissement.
(French accent): Ooh-la-la-la-la.
You have despoiled our supermodels, let an American perform with a French combo, and stolen these poor gentlemen's snake.
Well, I guess this is the point that comes in every vacation where I say run! Run! (sighs) Okay, don't run.
Better cuff this one.
No snake! What's on the desk? Just a few dozen urgent messages from someone called "Grampa.
" This one says the cat is eating his toast.
I have no time for cats and toast.
Search the room.
We have searched their room from armoire to bidet.
Eh, no snake.
Maybe we were wrong about you.
Let's see if the police dogs can do anything.
(yipping) I keep telling you they're worthless.
But they're so damn cute.
(yipping) All right, Simpsons, I apologize.
As for you, set the dogs on them.
(yipping) Prepare to have your ankles nipped! (yipping) I just want to say that before we came, our family was falling apart like your European Union.
But just a few days in your wonderful country, and now we're better than ever.
All is forgiven, my friends.
Enjoy la douce France.
And now something we should have done the moment we met you.
Come on, you guys kiss like grandmas.
Get in there.
I don't know how we did it, but we finally lucked into a great vacation.
In Paris, a lady makes her own luck.
Now my favorite part of each trip.
The gifts I brought back for my friends.
For Carl, a French Coca-Cola.
Ah, trÃ¨s chic.
For Lenny, a miniature Empire State Building.
We had a layover in New York.
Wow.
And for Moe, a belt made out of a blue snake.
Artificial, I think.
Thank you.
Ook.
@elderman Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Simprovised
The Simpsons s27e21 Episode Script
Simprovised
1 The Simpsons 27x21 Simprovised WIGGUM: Yeah, I know Ralphie's birthday is coming up.
Of course I'm gonna get him a present.
I'm at the at the toy store right now.
Let's see, present for Ralph, present for Ralph Ooh, what do we have here? Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds.
And somehow it'd be my fault.
Mm! This money has been sitting here since 1998, not doing anybody any good.
I want to get Ralphie something nice.
Yeah, a few thousand should do.
Hm-mm.
(whistling a tune) Uh, you heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.
Uh, proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.
Uh, yeah? Well, what does this mean? Skiddily bop and bah! (whooping) (engine revving, tires squealing) (kids shouting playfully, noisemaker honking) Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before Too late.
(both gasp) HOMER: That's the best damn treehouse I've ever seen! (heavenly music plays) Fine.
I'll rub my eyes the other way.
(inspiring orchestral fanfare plays) D'oh! (lively chatter, laughing) Whee! Whee! Whoa! The September issue! (gentle classical music plays) Whoo! Free wood! (Homer whoops) (groans): Oh my treehouse sucks.
Haw-haw! (singsongy): You have class envy! (slurring): Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw.
" Give me a dollar and I'll stop.
I don't got a dollar.
Haw-haw! (Homer hums happily) Do you want to practice your speech on me? (chuckles) No need, honey.
Same speech I give every year.
The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.
You can't joke about her-- they just put her on life support.
What?! No! She's the linchpin! It's okay, it's okay.
Everyone is terrified of public speaking.
But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.
(dramatic musical stinger) You don't have faith in me! I have savers.
If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!" I'm sure that'll be funny to them.
Mm! (kisses) (whimpers) Calm down, Homer.
Just leave your body.
Oh, no! What the hell is this?! (humming happily) (startled grunt) Ooh, throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.
No.
I'm tearing it down.
Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.
Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.
(grunting) I did my job.
Now it's your turn, tree.
Get growing.
I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you.
Huh? But you're an inside grown-up.
Moms can't build treehouses.
You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw! Sounds good.
(Marge screams) Don't worry.
You forget, most of that's hair.
BURNS (chuckles): So I said, "Get a half-life!" (laughter) (chuckles) Funny and handsome.
And I hear he's loaded.
(chuckles): Yes.
Now, to end this perfect day on the perfect note, Mr.
Homer Simpson.
(footsteps echoing) (footsteps echoing louder) (man coughs) You're gonna do great, Homer.
You're gonna kill.
You're gonna-- oh, where did all these people come from?! (gunshot) Aah! Uh, uh Webster's Dictionary defines a speech as a series of words that (murmuring) elo quently I've never seen anyone bomb like that.
Yeah.
I really feel badly for the guy.
Boo! Boo! (audience booing) (whimpering, shuddering) I'm a failure.
Shall I release the hounds, sir? Mm, the therapy hounds.
Oh, oh, I feel a little better.
Now release the real hounds.
(dogs barking) (Homer screaming) It's a pretty good seminar this year.
Dad, what's wrong? Did your speech go badly? How do you know something's wrong? You're drinking from a can of corn.
Hmm? Eh.
Aw, Dad, do you know Barbra Streisand once forgot the words to a song and didn't perform in public again for nearly three decades? Yeah, but she still had James Brolin to cuddle.
So, on a scale of ten to ten, how'd you do? Um (water dripping) Drip drop, you flop Drip drop, you flop Drip drop, you flop Drip drop, you flop Fail, fail, fail Drip drop, you flop Fail, fail (squeaky voice): What the hell is your problem, idiot! (kettle whistling, Homer gasping) I don't know! (sobbing): I don't know! (Homer whimpers) I know what will cheer you up.
We'll go to the comedy club downtown.
Downtown? With all those desperate addicts? Oh, the city cleaned them up and made them comics.
Cool! Homie, you're gonna chuckle your blues away.
This is the best kind of comedy.
No writers.
Amen to that, Marge.
And I appreciate this, but I really resent the two-drink minimum! You always drink more than two drinks.
But no one makes me.
Three Long Island iced teas, please.
Okay, we're gonna perform a little improv.
First we need a location.
Uh, 40.
7 degrees north latitude, 74 degrees west longitude.
Ah, yes, New York City.
Now we need a relationship for me and Cathy here.
Loveless marriage! (laughs): Okay, I heard loveless marriage.
These guys are pros.
All they did was ask for two premises.
That's two more than you've asked for.
(sighs): Oh, boy.
All right, all we need now is an object.
Anyone.
(quietly): Fear of public speaking Sorry, didn't hear that.
Oh fear of public speaking.
Maybe he has trouble talking in the dark.
Hey, Jerry, bring up number seven.
(shrieks) No! Jerry, no! Aah! No! Aah! Jerry, stop it! No! Don't Aah! Oh, no! Oh-ho-ho! Aah! Oh! Okay, okay, okay, um fear of public speaking.
Well, that's not really an object, but we'll make it work.
New York City, loveless marriage, fear of public speaking.
They've pulled back the bow-- now let the arrow take flight.
You know, I'm gonna move over a seat.
We now take you to an apartment on 68th and Columbus Avenue.
(trembling): Oh eeh aah aah ooh What? What? Cathy, what's wrong? I-I I-I I ah-ah-ah ah Aw, for heaven's sakes, Cathy, when we got married, you used to speak for hours.
But since we moved to New York City, nothing! (audience laughing) Wow.
It all magically fits.
Come on, Cathy, say something! Anything! (Italian accent): Fuggedaboutit! (laughter, applause) And scene! I said "fear of public speaking.
" Yes, you did.
Very nice.
Return to your seat immediately.
Wow.
Wow.
These guys do everything I can't.
Maybe they can teach me.
I don't know that they're interested in that.
$500 for the first eight classes.
That's kind of expensive.
Couldn't people just form their own groups for free? And scene.
Uh, uh excuse me, is this the, uh, improv class? Yes, and come in.
Sit anywhere? Yes, and be quiet.
HOMER: This is it.
I feel my mind exploding with premises.
So many ideas, but how do I turn them into comedy? Oh, kiss me Beneath the milky twilight-- (chuckling) Homer, could-could you stay with us, please? I don't know how.
The secret is to lose yourself and become, say, a suicidal auctioneer.
I could not possibly imagine what such a person would say.
Well, just remember, it's-it's not you.
Don't you get it? The secret to life has been right in front of you all along: Don't be yourself! Uh, uh, okay.
What am I bid for this noose? Do hear $100? No? Going going (chokes) (laughter) That's great! Really took my mind off my sick grandmother.
(electronic chime) Oh.
Looks like the hospital left a message.
(voice breaking): Gotta go.
HOMER: See ya! (laughing): It made me laugh.
So, then, you pay me? No, never! And if you open your own school, we'll break your legs! You want to give him the one we can never crack? Queen of Norway buying a car.
(high-pitched): Oh, dear! I can't a-fjord it! A star is born.
(grunting) Excuse me.
I'm from the city.
Are you aware that you live in a historical treehouse preservation district? May I see your permits? I don't have permits.
(screams) Don't worry.
D-Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
(grunting) I've gotta hand it to you, Dad.
You went from fear of public speaking to starting your own improv troupe.
Improv is exciting, but totally safe.
Like driving a helicopter on the ground.
Um, that's not safe.
Don't deny the premise.
That's anti-improv.
Note for new character, "Auntie Improv.
" (high-pitched): May I hear a suggestion? People, don't freak out, but the improv critic from the Springfield Shopper is in the audience.
(gasps) Steve Thurlson? No, Thurlson is their improv reporter.
Grant Hood is their improv critic.
Then who's Jennifer Whitehead? Oh, she writes improv think pieces.
You know, trends, big picture stuff.
Who does the top ten list at end-of-year "Best of Improv" issue? They each write their own.
(all murmuring assent) Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
That's true.
Huh! (piano riff playing) (applause) Hi, everybody.
We are "Premises, Premises.
" Yes, it says on Google that there are 5,012 improv groups with that name.
LENNY: Take it, Homer.
(nervously): Uh, okay, I need a location.
Uh, Jackson Square in New Orleans.
And a type of person that might be there.
Someone with confidence.
Mm, I (Cajun accent): I ga-ron-tee it! (applause and cheering) So, Tuesday is the treehouse warming.
Nelson's gonna show us his mom's bra.
(gasps) That's the thing that boobs touch.
Whoa, automatic blinds.
Yeah, I think my mom put those in.
No need to thank her.
She's just doing her job.
(grunts) The Keebler Elves are real! Pass the gravy, Bart.
Yo.
Thank you.
Geez, who ordered the crab? (gasps) There's crab? There's no crab.
There's no "thank you's", no appreciation.
Nothing.
Uh, who was that directed at? Bart! Whew! Pass the gravy, please.
(phone chimes) (gasps) Dad! Dad! The Springfield Fringe Festival just invited us to perform.
Huh? What's a "Fringe Festival"? My guess would be it's a three-day series of performances by alternative comedy and music acts, including, but not limited to, improv, stand-up, light circus work and ironic burlesque.
We're gonna be on the main stage on closing night! This is going in my log.
Yay! (chuckles) More crab for me.
MARGE: There's no crab! Mm! (humming happily) (grunts, slurps) Mmm! (Marge grunting) Aw, Marge, don't take it to heart.
Kids are ungrateful, that's their job.
You can cheer up watching me at the Fringe Festival.
Good for you.
The main stage, closing night, all eyes on you.
Wh-Wh-Wh-What what are you saying? Oh, she's making me nervous again.
But now I'm a trained comedy amateur.
No one can get in my head.
Marge Simpson, you don't want to accidentally undermine him like last time.
Oh, thank God he doesn't know what I'm thinking.
I know exactly what she's thinking.
That if I mess this up, I'll be worse off than ever.
He does know.
She knows I know! (Homer and Marge scream) MARGE: Homer? (muffled): Aw, what? I slept on it, and I'm madder than ever.
Go get Bart.
Oh my God, Marge, you woke up with morning-would-be-mad.
Okay, I'll put this in your new language.
Location: Bart's room.
Action: bring him here.
Can I get a character, please? Fine.
Um A near-sighted Frankenstein.
Okay.
(growling) Bride! Bride! I do not look like the Bride of Frankenstein.
(as monster): Don't deny premise.
(growls) (knocking on door) (grunts) BART: Mom, can I come in? You like your eggs a little runny don't you? What? And your toast set at four, with a little bit of butter? Yeah! Hash browns might be a little burnt.
I like 'em however you make 'em, sweetie.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
We all forget just how many wonderful things you do.
Oh (gasps) (voice-breaking): Y-You're making me cry.
(sobs) And best of all, you're as hot as the day I met you.
(sobs) Thank you! That apology speech you wrote worked like a charm, Pop.
Your mother can't resist an apology that comes straight from the heart of this box.
Oh, dear God, this is not a Renaissance Faire, is it? Uh, that's in two weeks, Henry the Weight Problem.
Ha! Gee, I don't know if I belong here with all this talent.
(in goofy voice): Hey, Reverend.
Why didn't the dinosaurs make it on Noah's Ark? (in normal voice): Ooh, I give up.
(in goofy voice): Because they didn't exist.
(laughter) Dad, this festival encourages experimentation.
Even failure.
Oh, what if I don't fail? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I am getting a helium balloon.
That makes anyone funny.
(in high helium voice): Be right back! (Homer retching) Homer, are you okay? You look exactly like Barbara Streisand did in 1967.
I can't think of anything funny.
Homer, Homer, relax, you're a riot.
Remember how funny you was when you was the confident Cajun? Look, just let me feed you the prompt.
Wait, you mean cheat at improv? What would Del Close say? He would say, "Do like Moe says, and shut the hell up.
" Who's Del Close? Only the author of the best book I intend to read someday.
Homer, the cemeteries are filled with people who didn't cheat at improv.
Hmm Okay, let's go over what you're gonna call out one more time.
Uh, ethnicity: Cajun.
Location: back alley.
Good, good.
The back alley Cajun bit.
LISA: Dad! Are you cheating by planting suggestions? Maybe.
(stunned gasp) Have you learned nothing from owning an unread copy of Truth in Comedy? It's either that or quit the show.
You can't let your troupe down.
They need your space work, your strong choices, and scene-building skills.
Hey, lay off your dad, huh? Everything that's supposedly spontaneous has already been planned, okay? Reality shows, uh, lip-sync singing, even (in dramatic voice): awards shows.
No! Yes, that's why the losers don't show up.
B-b-b-but they have scheduling conflicts.
Yeah, right.
Dave Franco has a scheduling conflict.
No, no, I've heard enough.
I refuse to use performance enhancing "sugs.
" AUDIENCE (muttering): It's Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson's here.
(audience continues to mutter in excitement) Okay, everyone, I'm Homer Simpson and I need an occupation.
Cadaver salesman? Drive-thru cashier.
Uh, frog gigger.
Finger kisser! Mwah! Nurse.
You'll have to be more specific.
I need a nurse! Back alley Cajun! Mm-hmm! Ah A father I can look up to.
Oh.
Um, uh I hear drive-thru cashier! BOTH: You wha ? Hello, welcome to "Down and Out Burger" Would you like fries with that? (laughter) A thousand? Sure thing, Mr.
Brando.
By the way, this is 1992.
(Homer chuckles, audience laughs) AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING A LITTLE SPECIAL.
OUR FATHER IS GONNA IMPROV LIVE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS FROM THE TV AUDIENCE.
IT ONLY TOOK US 27 YEARS TO DO WHAT THEY COULD DO IN 1954.
HOMER, TIME TO BOMB.
HELLO! I'VE GATHERED YOU HERE BECAUSE I HAVE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE OF "THE SIMPSONS.
" IT'S BEEN A GREAT RUN.
JUST KIDDING.
"THE SIMPSONS" WILL NEVER END.
ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE LAS NIGHT, DRAKE WAS TERRIBLE.
NOW TO TAKE YOUR CALLS.
LET'S GO TO HANNAH.
HANNAH, YOU'RE TALKING TO HOMER.
HI THERE, HOMER.
MY QUESTION FOR YOU IS WHO DO YOU LIKE MORE -- LENNY OR CARL -- AND WHY? LET'S SEE.
I LIKE LENNY BECAUSE HE'S THE BLACK GUY AND -- WAIT A MINUTE, NO.
CARL'S THE -- WAIT.
LET ME GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I FIGURE OUT WHO'S WHO.
LET'S GO TO THE NEXT QUESTION.
AMANDA? I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD GIVE ME ANY TIPS OR TRIPS FOR MAKING IT LOOK LIKE I'M HARD A WORK BUT I'M RELAXING OR TAKING A NAP? ALWAYS WEAR GLASSES WITH EYES GLUED ONTO THEM.
NEXT QUESTION.
GEORGE, I THINK.
HELLO, GEORGE.
HELLO, HOMER.
WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION? SO MY QUESTION IS PIZZA-RELATED.
PIZZA? DO YOU PREFER CHICAGO DEEP DISH OR NEW YORK-STYLE? LET'S SEE.
I PREFER CHICAGO DEEP DISH BECAUSE I LIKE ITALIAN BETTER THAN CHINESE.
AND NOW LET'S GO TO A PLANTED CALL WITH A PLANTED QUESTION.
LET'S GO TO -- HELLO? HOMER, HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M DOING ALL RIGHT.
IS THAT YOUR QUESTION? I WAS WONDERING WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? OH, I DRIVE A HYBRID WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF OLD AND TERRIBLE.
NEXT CALLER.
CHRIS.
YES, CHRIS.
WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION? OR COMMENT.
MY QUESTION IS WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE JOB? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE JOB? MY FAVORITE JOB WOULD HAVE BEEN BEING AN ASTRONAUT BECAUSE EVERYTHING WAS DONE FOR ME.
AND ALSO I COULD GET AWAY FROM THE BOY.
WELL, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WE HAVE COME TO MY CLOSING REMARKS.
IT ONLY LASTED THREE MINUTES, LIKE EATING CHEESEBURGERS AND MAKING LOVE.
IF YOUR CALL HASN'T BEEN TAKEN YET, PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD.
THE CAST OF EMPIRE WILL BE ANSWERING QUESTIONS WEDNESDAY NIGHT.
SOMEONE WILL LET THEM KNOW.
FLASHING BY ARE THE CREDITS OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED LONG AND HARD ON THIS.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE.
NOW THE SHOW IS OVER.
THE SPOTLIGHT DIMS, THE LAUGHTER FADES.
SOMEONE CALL UBER.
IF BART WOULD JUST RETURN MY PANTS SO I CAN MOVE FROM BEHIND THIS DESK.
DOO, DOO, DOO.
WAITING ON THE PANTS.
OH, BART, NOT CULOTTES.
NO.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 27  >  Orange is the New Yellow
The Simpsons s27e22 Episode Script
Orange is the New Yellow
1 The Simpsons 27x22 Orange is the New Yellow @elderman (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) LENNY: Oh, not again! (beeping) (playing the theremin) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (soft, whimsical music) (phone line ringing) Eh, hello? Bart! (cash register dings) Hell no! D'oh! (crumpling paper) (thudding, can opening) (popping, crunching sound) HOMER: Mmm.
(clock ticking) (grunts) HOMER: D'oh! (clock ticking, bell chimes) (snoring) Homer.
(shrieks) Do something.
(laughs) (pop, thud) (glass shattering) (distressed sounds) (twinkle sound) (whistle blows) LENNY: Quittin' time! CARL: Quittin' time.
HOMER: Thank God it's Friday.
LENNY: Thursday.
HOMER: Same thing.
See you Monday.
Marge, baby, I'm out the door.
Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they're out the door when they really haven't left yet.
Those people are horrible, horrible liars.
See you soon.
Simpson, not so fast.
Hold up one end of this poster.
Now use it to conceal this.
(air hissing) Excellent.
Now, let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical.
(crank squeaking) (chuckles) With this mechanical marvel, we'll have this poster level in under three hours.
(chuckles) (crank continues squeaking) (Homer whimpers) Ooh, and for a little excitement, how about a plumb bob song? Uh (stammers) All right.
Um One must never, never Never rush The plumb bob Slow is the way The only way to go Clear your schedule Before you use the plumb bob Yes, the plumb bob Is mighty, mighty Mighty (drawn out): Slow (carrying note) MARGE: Okay.
Maggie's had her bath, dinner's on the stove.
Hmm.
Dare I pop a cork? (magical gliss) (British accent): Give me a spin, Marge.
You're so deft.
Not like (shudders) him.
LISA: Mom.
Mom! My costume for the science play is all wrong! You said you were a seahorse.
A male seahorse.
With a pouch.
Males have pouches? Male seahorse's nurturing is one of the wonders of the world.
You said you read the script.
Bart gave me a synopsis.
I (groans) Oh, boy.
(garage door opening and closing) Oh, now what? Eat your carrot and pea medley.
(groans) Mom, I'll clean that up for you.
Oh, thank God, some help.
Where's the mop? In the mop closet.
Where's the bucket? Under the mop.
Other closet.
There's stuff in front of it.
(loud groan) Let me help.
(bubbling, fizzing) Ay, caramba! Hey, there's wood underneath this linoleum.
Oh! Just go play outside.
Outside? Your loss.
(Bart humming happily) (children chattering) I do not get what kids see in these places.
(humming) (clanking) It's the genie of the sub.
Genie? I wish.
You get a lamp and a carpet, which is more than I've got in here.
Hmm, didn't know this place was filled with such losers.
Hey, Martin.
Bartholomew! This playground has safely stimulated my imagination.
What the hell are you talking about? Martin.
(chuckles) Who's your new friend? (whispers): Mother, don't blow this for me.
Fine, I'll just go sit and talk to his mother.
Where is she? I'm here by myself.
But I have a safety number.
(phone line ringing) MOE: Moe's Tavern.
Homer ain't here.
And for once, that's the truth.
(keys beeping) (siren wailing) (tires screech, siren stops) Simpson, are you here unsupervised? Yeah.
And so what? I'd lose the attitude, "Sylvester Alone.
" (chuckles) Finally, a laugh out of Lou.
Son, kids aren't allowed on their own anymore.
Now, who said you could come here? My mom.
Ugh.
Always the mom.
(siren wailing) (Flanders yells, tires screech) (grunting) (screams) She's got needles.
(clicking) (exhales) What did Bart do now? I was playing nicely in the park.
Bart, how could you What? Your children need to be supervised.
Take her away, boys.
If you take me away, then who's gonna watch my kids? You should've thought of that before we showed up unannounced.
What, Marge? You're being arrested? I'm afraid so, Mr.
Simpson.
A mother at the park saw something she disapproved of.
And luckily for your son, she overreacted.
I, uh I get carsick in the front.
(Wiggum chuckles) Our top story, a Springfield mother has been arrested for an outrageous "negligÃ©e.
" The Sorry, I'm being told it's negligence.
Which is very boring.
Judge, I don't understand.
When I was a kid, we used to go out and play and not come home until dark.
I see.
Bailiff, incarcerate Marge Simpsons' mother.
(squeaks) Thanks for ratting me out, Marge (muffled talking) With all due respect, Judge, this is wackadoodle.
Nobody cares about their kids more than I do.
Liar.
Marge is right, Your Honor.
My e-mail password is "bad dad.
" (gallery gasps) Yeah, Judge.
If you wanna know who should be in jail, he weighs 240 and smells like onions.
It is not within the purview of this court to determine how fat and smelly your father may be.
Woo-hoo! Mrs.
Simpsons, 90 days.
(gavel bangs) (gasps) This is Kafkaesque.
Kafkaesque! I've got my eye on you.
Now it's Orwellian.
(hinges squeaking) Hey, kitties.
You got a new ball of yarn.
(hinges squeak, door slams) Oh, that guard is awfully slammy.
Newbies on top.
Oh.
Where's the ladder? Have you been claimed yet? Claimed? By one of the book clubs.
(sighs) Yeah, we read a little, dig a little, read a little, dig a little, kiss a little, dig a little.
(groans) (birds chirping) Homer, I think you're supposed to cook sausage.
What's the point? (knocking on door) Well, hi there, Homer.
I know a time like this is when a man really needs his neighbor.
Yeah, well, thanks for the check-in.
(chuckles) Well, this is more than a check-in.
It's a chance to do good for us boys in the hood! Just call us NWA, "Neighbors With Appetizers.
" (sobbing) Wow, wow.
I really am the richest man in town.
Not rich in money, but in what really matters: pity.
And what happened to Marge is a wake up call for us all.
There's no greater crime than half-assed parenting.
Kirk, where's Milhouse? On the leash, baby.
On the leash.
He's too far.
Retract.
Retract! Whoa! Why'd you pull me back? Some new kids were just about to give me a chance.
Don't try anything new, son.
I could've married a woman who didn't look exactly like me.
(chuckling): But that would've been crazy.
(door slams shut) Hey, newbie.
Nobody touches the new James Patterson until Solar reads it first.
(moans, yelps) She wants you to pick it up.
(laughter) You scared, huh? (clucking) (sighs) (grumbling) (growling) (gasping) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Anybody else want a taste of Blue Thunder? Uh, I do.
Yeah.
(grunts) Now, if you ladies recall what this place is supposed to be for Mm Mm Smokin' weed? Reading! (sighs) (chewing sounds) Dad, if this is what they send when Mom goes to jail, just imagine what happens when you kick the bucket.
(burps) Oh, man, that's gonna be so awesome.
Dad, Dad! You're eating a teddy bear! That's my stomach's problem.
Okay, Homer, I just changed all the linens, diapered the dog for modesty, and replaced the batteries in the smoke detectors, which were all bad.
One was just a candy dish with a red light painted on.
Was there any candy in it? There is now.
(laughs) Oh, Flanders.
It turns out there's a good side to you after all.
Well, sir, maybe I know a little bit about what it's like to lose the lady of the house.
(sniffles) Oh, I think I heard a dryer ding.
Thank you, Mr.
Flanders.
Tell your boys I wanna hang.
Flanders is great.
I've always said that.
But we can't forget your mother.
(shuddering): Oh MARGE: Oh, my first prison flower.
Can it be? Am I starting to like it in here? Exercise time! Ooh.
I never have time to exercise.
Is this a prison or a spa? Aah! It's a prison.
(grunts) (birds chirping) (munching sounds) (munching continues) Hey, uh, are there any more chocolate chip muffins? Sorry, Dad.
The only ones left have caraway seeds.
Oh.
I miss your mother so much.
Shockingly, these gift baskets haven't solved anything.
Wait, Dad.
That one that looks like blueberry actually has M&M'S.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
Everything's okay.
But for how long? LISA: Mom, I really, really miss you.
Also, I have a field trip form that needs to be signed for school.
I think if I mail it to you at the prison it's still easier than getting it from Dad.
BART: I wanna talk to Mom.
Can you send me a shiv for show and tell? Preferably with blood on it.
Hey, give me the phone.
(grunts) Are my blue pants done at the prison laundry? Remember to sign my form.
Shiv with blood.
Press my pants.
(dial tone) (gasps) The electric chair.
And then he thought it was the electric chair.
(all laughing) 8:00.
Lights out.
Really? 8:00? I get to go to bed? I don't have to clean a sink full of dishes, or write a paragraph with topic sentence for Homer? (sighs heavily) Aw, you're tired too.
Everyone goes to sleep so easily here.
Marge, your positivity is contagious.
I'm starting to believe I really will show everyone.
Simpson, you got a visitor.
Oh, gee, now? It's a shame to go inside.
Okay, let's move in the body now.
(groaning sigh) Marge, I got great news.
We hired the one good lawyer in town.
Yes, Mrs.
Simpson, I got you off on a technicality.
Since your husband never filed for a birth certificate, Bart isn't legally your son.
Mm? Mm? How about that? Why aren't you saying anything, Marge? You're free.
Free.
Now, it's not the world you remember.
The girl at the coffee place that left? Came back.
So you'll have that to get used to.
I'm free? Oh, and just in time.
Bart's claiming he's in another dimension, but I think he's just hiding in the closet.
I had 90 days.
I was promised 90 days.
Now you have to give me more time.
(stammers) Oh, no you don't.
I can't go to another school meeting.
I can't! Everyone just asks about their own kid.
Hey, you like shopping? 'Cause you just bought yourself two more months.
(cackles) Sorry, Homie.
I can't go back yet.
Just tell me where the soap for the dishwasher goes and how do I (lock clicks) (sighs heavily) Marge would rather stay in prison than come home to me.
I have to reexamine my entire life.
Yeah, maybe you can start by not bringing your kids to the bar.
(slurping) Yeah, it's kind of funny-- Homer takes his kids to a saloon, but Marge is in jail for being a bad parent.
I guess somebody up there likes me.
Do you like him? Uh, not really, no.
I've gotta change, show Marge I can help around the house.
More than just turning up the TV when she vacuums.
I've gotta become the perfect homemaker.
(phone ringing) (laughs) (giggling) Oh (gulping) (phone rings) Oh, I was doing so great, but it turned out I was a secret alcoholic.
Yeah, good thing it's just your imagination.
(gulping) Oh, yeah.
When we said we'd take turns watching all the kids, I never thought it would be my turn.
(humming) Why did I get the choke chain? Go around this side of the tree.
This side of the tree.
This side of the tree! No, Ralph.
No! (humming) (giggles) Hi, Mr.
Bobcat.
(bobcat growls) You're in charge, boy.
(grunting) (bobcat growling) Now, listen, bobcat.
(Homer screaming) Are you as sick as I am of having grown-ups everywhere you go? (others agreeing) I say we sneak off to the park and have fun by ourselves.
Great idea.
I'll text my mom.
(gasps) My Jitterbug senior phone! OPERATOR: Jitterbug call center.
If you've fallen and need assistance, press one.
If you're lonely and wanna talk, press disconnect.
(hissing) Oh, I really miss my family.
I thought they were letting you out.
I just wasn't ready for the outside.
I didn't realize how much I needed a break.
But maybe not a prison break.
Prison break? Prison break! Yeah! (prisoners shouting) (alarm wailing) All right, all our parents think we're playing after-school rugby with Willie.
What Where's me scrum? Time for unsupervised play! I'm going down the hot slide in shorts.
I'm gonna freckle.
I'm gonna ride the hobbyhorse English style.
(children chattering excitedly) Finally-- kids having fun the way they were meant to.
It just proves that danger is not the rule, but the exception.
Tornado! (gasps) (gasps) (wind whistling) (screaming) (mooing) This is Kent Brockman covering two of the biggest stories of the year: a tornado and a prison break, while I report safely from the Channel Six Emmy Watch bunker.
Arnie Pye, what's the situation? I'm-I'm about to die, Kent.
(snarling) And worst of all is the fact that your voice is the last one I'll ever hear, you pompous snow monkey! (gasping) (alarm wailing) Homer, what are you doing here? I had to do whatever it takes to get you to leave.
So I dressed up as a prison guard.
Now I'd better not blow my cover.
Get back.
Get back.
Okay, a little forward.
Now back! Back! Back! (blows landing) Now forward.
And back! Back! Back! (blows landing) It's very sweet that you came for me.
I know things won't always be perfect-- (grunts)-- but they'll be better than fighting off prison inmates in a tornado.
(grunts) I believe you.
And I wanna go home.
Mwah.
MAN: Come on, man.
Take the shot.
No, I can't.
I'll fire a warning shot at her hair.
(clang) (grunts) Oh, she uses too much product.
Don't worry.
All the kids are accounted for except for, uh Raife Waggum.
Well, I have a sad call to make.
(keys beeping) (busy signal) Huh.
Busy.
MARGE: Bart, would you like some extra bacon? Sure would, Mom.
Okay, but you owe me.
Sorry, sorry, force of habit.
It's okay, Mom.
Whatever you want, just glad you're back.
Geez, ever since I got sprung from the hoosegow, you kids have been kind of clingy.
No, Mom, we're just really glad to have you back.
And we're not nuts or anything, but please don't let the refrigerator door block my view of you.
BOTH: Aah! Hmm, I need some spices from the pantry.
I'm coming, too.
Oh, you're pathetic.
(door opens) Let me in.
Now, kids, give your mother a little peace and Aw.
Aw.
MARGE: I wanna say two things: I love you guys and we're out of peanut butter.
(all laughing, Santa's Little Helper barks) (phone ringing) (gasps) (laughs) @elderman Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Clown in the Dumps
The Simpsons s26e01 Episode Script
Clown in the Dumps
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the harp) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (electric humming) (shouting) D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
Family.
Meet me at the kitchen cube.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
(electric crackling) (growling voice): I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
(gurgling) (distorted) Don't Don't have cow, man.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
Don't Don't have cow, man.
Don't Don't have cow, man.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
(distorted): Hail the dark lord of the twin moons.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
(gurgling) (growls) Simpson.
Cow, man.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
(babbling) (squishing) (low voice): Make purchase of the merchandise.
D'oh.
Don't have cow, man.
I have memories.
(high-pitched tone) I have.
memor memor (grinding, beeping) (gentle piano playing) (high-pitched): Still love you, Homar.
(high-pitched, distorted): We are happy family.
All animals can scream.
(low growling) Make purchase of the merchandise.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
D'oh.
Three feet, nine inches.
That should do it.
Don't you know what kind of animal we're dealing with? Okay, enough theory.
Hey, Dad.
We made popcorn.
HOMER: Woo-hoo! Huh? Out of my reach? (grunts) Must make effort.
(grunting) (bones crack) Yay.
Mr.
Simpson, you earned this.
(quiet grunts) What's on TV? Krusty's getting roasted tonight.
Hey.
(grumbles) Sometimes the language on these gets a little B-L-U-E.
What? Oh.
If you don't let us watch, we'll just go to a house where some more permissive parents will.
How permissive? Chief Wiggum shows us crime photos at sleepovers.
So this is what a body looks like after it drops Uh, come on, Milhouse, don't pretend you're asleep.
This is the world we live in.
Yeah.
(crowd laughs over TV) Hey, Krusty, our local deli just named a sandwich after you.
It's called "The Unfunny Comedian.
" (crowd laughs) You will always be remembered for your countless appearances on the Krusty the Clown Show and your one appearance on To Catch A Predator.
(crowd laughs) Hey, I spent a lifetime making people happy.
Yeah-- plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers.
I was just about to say that.
Oh, he took my laugh.
Screw it, I'm doing it anyway.
Plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers.
(man coughs) What a legend.
Krusty the Clown is to comedy what Martin Luther King is to comedy.
(laughter) We've seen a lot of top-flight comics tonight, but that's over, because it's time to hear from Krusty the Clown.
Welcome, Krusty.
I grew up watching you.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I threw up watching you.
(laughter, applause) (grumbles) Sarah Silverman.
I say this with love, you disrespectful skank.
You've had more Oh.
Suddenly, I don't feel like doing this.
(gasps) Sorry, Mini-ha-ha.
Canceling the bit.
Tell the others.
I thought this night would be fun for me and my friends.
I don't even know these people.
And I guess I don't have any friends.
My only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time.
Krusty.
Yeah? Is your nose red because it's embarrassed to be seen with you? (laughter) Oh, nobody warned me this roast would treat me the same way as every roast I've seen and laughed at.
and the husband says, "Who paid you a nickel?" And the wife says, "Everybody.
" (laughs) Oh, sorry, wrong for this audience.
I thought Swapper Jack's was something else.
Krusty, sorry about the roast.
They had no right to say those hilarious things.
How could they say I'm past my prime? Me-- the voice of Ovaltine.
Krusty, why don't you talk to your dad? He'll cheer you up.
He's a rabbi.
He must've learned something from that giant star scroll he's always reading.
Kid, does talking to your dad make you feel better? Well, no, but he's not a rabbi.
More of a flabbi.
(snorts, laughs) Why, you little I'll show you who's a flabbi! (grunting) (muffled): No, you're not a flabbi! Yeah, all muscle.
In Minnesota, I'd be a supermodel.
Okay, I got it.
So, basically, I came here so you could tell me the truth-- that I'm great.
As the Torah says: Judgment belongs to God.
The Torah also says you can't eat ham, and I'm the spokesman for HamCo Ham.
This is why I only call you on Christmas and Easter.
Wait, wait, wait.
Please, Dad.
Do you even think I'm funny? I'm not gonna lie to you, for funny, I prefer Rabbi Rudenstein.
He puts the "ha" in Hanukah and the "levity" in Leviticus.
As for you, son, if you want to know my honest opinion of you, you've always been eh.
Go on.
I've always been "Eh ntertaining"? Dad? Show me nose fog.
Oh, God, he's dead.
And he never lived to see me be successful.
(sobbing) A pusten fas hilcht hecher.
"An empty barrel reverberates loudly.
" And today, my heart is that barrel.
Even though my father and I had our difficulties, (sobs) he was a great man.
And, well, he always Wha? Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
(sighs) Look, I'm an entertainer.
So maybe the best way to say how I feel about my dad is through a song that someone else wrote that I hired people to sing.
This is for you, Dad.
(to the Itchy & Scratchy theme): He fought and fought And fought for Jewish rights Wisdom sought Students taught Rabbi Krustofsky's gone.
Yeah, well, it's just well, I thought Seriously, it can be really tough to lose your father.
(crying) RUDENSTEIN: Yasher Co-ack.
Let us all please rise.
(snoring) Homer, get up.
Huh? Oh, uh (grunting) Oh! Oh! Ooh! (panting) Dad, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, great.
(sighs) I guess my getting-up days are over.
(gasps) (humming a tune) Dad, you're eating too much.
I'm worried about your health.
I don't want to lose you.
(softly): Oh, no.
Krusty, I brought some homemade chicken soup.
We used the Play-Doh maker for the matzo.
Uh, thanks, but I don't really like soup.
But you wear that little spoon around your neck.
(chuckles) You really notice stuff, don't you? Yes.
And I can tell how hard it was to lose your father.
But at least you were there to share his final thoughts.
Eh.
No, no, it's a big thing.
No, that's what he called me.
"Eh.
" Mm.
It could be worse.
Oh, yeah? How? I don't know, uh how about (blows raspberry) That's a lot worse.
Can you stop comforting me now? Krusty, condolences on your loss.
So this is the Bob whose comedic genius I can never live up to.
Believe me, all of us have thought about killing him.
(sighs) Clowns have it tough, Krusty.
I understand.
I was Professor Pickles with Ringling Brothers for several years.
The elephant and I had our differences.
So, what brings you here? And don't say clown car.
I'm a sad, tragic clown.
Like what's his name-- Liberace.
Tell me about your father, huh? Ah! Herschel, did you read your Exodus? Oh, uh, oh, sure.
Really? Then tell me, what did the burning bush say? It said "Ow! Put me out! How many talking bushes do you think there are?!" (laughs) My son, you are a big needy nothing that only laughs can fill.
(scoffs) I don't need laughs.
Ha.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
A big needy nothing.
(sniffles) Wow.
Wow.
Krusty, would you like a therapy dog? Yeah.
With extra relish! Hey-hey! I still got it, huh? Yes, if by "it" you mean reflexive denial of your inner sadness.
(sadly): Hey-hey.
SIDESHOW MEL: Shut up, children.
Boys and girls, you know that we've been dark for a couple of days because of a tragic loss in the Krustylu family.
Now put your hands together for the man who's falling apart before our eyes, Krusty the Clown! (kids cheering) (jaunty theme music plays) No monologue.
Roll the cartoon.
(swing creaking) Oh, my God! Who made this monstrosity? I did everything! Kids, I'm experiencing a crisis of conscience.
(canned applause) No, no, no, no! I don't deserve the prerecorded applause of children long gone.
(canned applause) KID: I like Ike! Therefore, I'm quitting the show.
And I know Mel will be quitting it with me.
Yes, yes, buy the house.
It'll be Uh, what?! Today is the day the pity laughter died.
Krusty the Clown has retired.
For a brief overview of a half-century of ha-has, here is Channel Six TV critic Clive Meriwether.
Krusty the Clown will perhaps best be remembered for taking up two spots in the Channel Six parking lot.
On a personal level, he used to call me Little Lord Tingaling.
I shan't miss that.
This man's only lasting legacies are a law in his name limiting the working hours of chimpanzees to 14 hours a day and the invention of the payment of alimony by dropping hot pennies from a helicopter.
I give his life a D-plus.
Good day to you.
What will Krusty do now? I suppose only time will tell.
Which is true for all news stories, I guess.
Until anyone realizes, I'm Kent Brockman adding no useful information.
And here's another sentence.
You can tell I'm winding it up because my voice is going up and down like this.
Well, at least now I have plenty of time to solve this Rubik's Cube.
All right, what if I did Oh! (Homer snoring unevenly) (snoring, gasping) (quietly): Mom, Dad.
Yes, Lisa? (snores) What? I've been listening, and Dad stops breathing for as long as five minutes.
Mind if I sleep with you guys and keep an eye on him? Sweetie, you shouldn't have to worry about such things.
(gasps, snores, wheezing) The doctor gave us this machine to help him breathe in his sleep.
Go to bed.
I'll take care of him.
No good.
No good.
(grunting) Oh! Ooh! Ah! (gasping) What do I do? What do I do? Oh.
Breathe, Homie, breathe.
(grunting) Well, at least Teeny's doing okay.
He's in The Odd Couple with David Hyde Pierce.
Now, really, Oscar, would it kill you to use a coaster? (screeching) If you're going to go up there, at least dust! Finally, done the way I first imagined it.
I'm gonna prove you did groundbreaking work.
Krusty, I want you to binge-watch all the shows you've ever done.
Well, I've never said no to a binge.
(static crackles) Deuteronomy? Isn't that the study of deuters? Hippocampus? Isn't that another name for the University of Mississippi? Okay.
I've been on 50 years.
You're bound to repeat yourself a little.
Unless I wanted to be sat on by Mama Cass.
Unless I wanted to be sat on by Dom DeLuise.
by the cast of What's Happening! William "The Refrigerator" Perry, everyone! Newman from Seinfeld.
the whale from Whale Rider.
Adele! (laughs) What? She's a guest star?! (sobbing) (groans) (static hissing) So that's why all my cameramen have PTSD.
Where's my whiskey funnel?! (German accent): Young man, you should go.
When the master is like this, it is no place for children.
Pour, Helga! It begins.
(gulping) (angelic choir singing) Whoa.
Where am I? Why, you're in Jewish Heaven.
Oh, this place is great.
Why, my necktie straightens itself.
Even Portnoy has no complaints.
And I tell you, I get so much respect.
Wow.
So I made it to Heaven.
(klezmer playing) (crowd cheering) This place is amazing! Schmuck, there's no Jewish Heaven.
Our faith teaches us that once you're dead, that's it, kaput.
It's dark, it's cold.
It's like that apartment we lived in before I started doing weddings.
But you, my son, remain Eh?! (groans) Go back to Earth.
Do something with your life.
Help people.
(echoing): Help people.
Help people.
Help people.
Nothing.
I'm not getting a pulse.
(gasps) I got to change my life! Still no pulse.
I guess I'm just really bad at this.
WOMAN: Someone to watch Over me.
I'm afraid Lisa's getting obsessed with keeping her father out of danger.
She's gotten our Resusci Annie doll to breathe on its own.
(wheezes) Why? In this new shelter, we provide a home for animals put out of work by Cirque Du Soleil.
(gorilla growls) Um, Krusty, have you fulfilled the promise you made to your father in the dream you never told anyone about? Uh, no.
Somehow a brief act of uncharacteristic generosity solved nothing.
Hey, Krusty.
What? Have you been going to temple? Yeah, and I've learned that all religions are equally boring.
But there's a reason I went.
Come and see.
Kid, there's no way you can cheer me up.
Not when whiskey, good deeds and hookers failed.
Who's a hooker? Uh, with me, it's easier to say which ones aren't hookers.
Hmm? (grunting) Lisa, what are you doing? Wrapping you in bubble wrap.
I can't always be around to protect you, so it will.
But (bubble wrap popping) Oh, Lisa, honey, you can't insulate yourself from life.
Why, I could live till 100 or a bus could hit me tomorrow.
That's why I never plan more than four seconds ahead.
Oh, I guess you're right.
Now come on.
Give Daddy a hug.
(grunting, bubble wrap popping) Bubble wrap! (bubble wrap popping) Your daughterly love saved me, sweetie.
That's all I wanted, a tiny bit of control.
Ooh.
I suppose we should exchange insurance information.
I don't have any.
Me neither.
Then we have the same company.
They'll work it all out.
(tires screeching) (quietly): Rabbi Rudenstein.
Your father's favorite.
Today's reading is from Deuteronomy, which I believe is the study of deuters.
(laughter) Hey, that's my joke.
Eh, must be a coincidence.
Uh, but before we begin, I'd like to quote the burning bush, which said, "Hey, put me out.
How many talking bushes do you think there are?" Hey-hey.
(laughter) Me again.
So if Dad loved his jokes, then Dad loved my jokes.
(crying): Oh Yeah, I guess he just hated your delivery.
He loved my jokes.
My father respected me but could never tell me.
That's Jewish Heaven.
Heaven Jewish Heaven RABBI KRUSTOFSKY: We're a father and a son who didn't speak But up here we found the happiness we seek And I can't wait till you join me next week You! (music continues) Uh, just this once, you think you could turn water into a Bloody Mary? I'll tell you, you're all right, you know? Krusty, let's face it, you might not be cutting-edge anymore, but your show still does really great in that key demo of people who died with the TV on.
(laughter) Whoa.
Of course, Krusty's responsible for Itchy & Scratchy, which is also what he calls his testicles.
(groans) D'oh.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  The Wreck of the Relationship
The Simpsons s26e02 Episode Script
The Wreck of the Relationship
D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (screams) (door slams) (laughs) (whistle blows, crowd cheers on TV) (retches, groans) (laughs) (groaning, grunting) (Bart laughs) Well, it wasn't easy, but we managed to watch every "testicle fail" video on the Internet.
Now to leave a great comment.
LOL.
That's gotta hurt.
Oh I guess there's nothing left to do but go outside and play.
Wait-- a sponsored link.
MILHOUSE: Ooh! A trailer for Project: After Party.
The long-awaited sequel to Project: Party.
(gasps) That's a red band trailer.
We're not old enough to see that.
Sure we are.
I just have to enter my birthday.
January 1, 1900.
No movie's so dirty the oldest man in the world can't see it.
Well, they did everything they could to stop us, but we hacked through anyway.
NARRATOR: They thought the party was over.
After party! (gasps) (gasps) Brief nudity! I thought we installed parental blocking software on all our computers.
I don't know what that stuff blocks.
Mammogram appointment.
(alarm blares) I told you to clean your room and instead you're watching chest videos.
Look at all those bowls of half-eaten cereal.
The cereal on the bottom gets soggy.
I know how cereal works.
Now clean your room.
Why should I? It's just gonna get dirty again.
I'm in charge.
You do what I say.
I'll get to it when I get to it.
That better not mean what it means when I say it.
(squishing) D'oh! That boy has no respect for my authority.
Maybe you two are more similar than you'd like to admit.
We're not similar.
I love being told what to do by someone who's wise in the ways of the world.
Love it! Here's what I would do: in the middle of the night, clean Bart's room for him, then, in the morning, thank him for cleaning his room.
You poor woman.
Dealing with Bart has turned your mind to ketchup water.
You rest.
I'll be the boy's father now.
I'm done.
I'd like it if you ate a little more broccoli.
Eh, I'm not feelin' it.
Your mother said eat your broccoli.
Why do I need to eat broccoli? So that you can grow up healthy and strong, like Randy Quaid.
Yeah, Randy Quaid.
He's very healthy.
Look, I'll drink another glass of milk.
(scoffs) Milk.
That's for babies and old guys who can't sleep at night because of what they did in the war.
Broccoli.
Hey, what if I eat the broccoli? I love the stuff.
(chuckles) You eat a sundae.
Marge, get Lisa a sundae.
You are not leaving this table until you eat that broccoli.
And I'm going to sit right here until you do.
(scoffs) You'll never out-sit me.
Oh, really? You think your skinny butt can sit on that hard, wooden chair longer than El Gordo? (gasps) The sit is on.
Eat your broccoli.
No.
Eat your broccoli.
No.
(snoring) (alarm rings) Read your broccoli.
No.
They've been at it all night.
I know, but they're not gonna waste a whole Saturday inside.
(phone rings) Mm-hmm? Homer, where are you? Our fantasy football draft is about to start.
(gasps) Today's our draft.
I've got to pick a good fantasy team.
When I lost last year, they made me do something so humiliating Jeebus loves Tebow.
(Homer whimpers) And so the fat man caves.
If you need me, I'll be up in my room eating cereal.
Half a bowl of cereal.
Marge, I want you-- my wife-- to draft my fantasy football team.
(all gasp) I-I don't really know that much about the My team name is "Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe" and my password is "Annoyed Grunt.
" Draft with God, honey.
Eat your broccoli.
(panting) Martin's been secretly taking self-defense courses, and now he's beating up Nelson.
MARTIN: Hi-yah! NELSON: Ow.
Ow.
Whoa.
Aah! His fat fists are a blur.
I've never seen moves like that.
KEARNEY: And never will again.
Sounds like quite a match.
And here's your ticket to a front-row seat.
No.
No.
I'll never eat those filthy mini-trees.
Today, I wear the vest.
Haw.
Haw.
(groans) Now I am never eating that broccoli.
Homie.
Homie, the fantasy draft just ended.
I got you five kickers.
It is called football, right? You are definitely eating that broccoli.
(Homer and Bart growling) This has got to stop.
If you don't go to work, you're going to get fired.
I can get another job.
Who wouldn't want to hire a man who won't back down? I could be a prison warden or a Southern anything.
I've got an idea, but I'll need that broccoli.
(blender whirrs) These two fruit smoothies look and taste exactly the same.
One of them, however, has the broccoli blended in.
Bart picks one of the smoothies and drinks it-- maybe he had the broccoli, maybe he didn't.
No one knows, so neither of you has given in, and this horrible impasse can come to an end.
Uh, works for me.
I'm in.
Oh, thank God.
Hmm Oh, no, the broccoli.
(annoyed grunt) You did that on purpose! You lick this table clean! Come on.
Lick it.
(grunting) (both grunting, groaning) (both grunting) Come on, now, you can still lick it.
Oh, I'm afraid Homer and Bart's problems are beyond our power to solve.
There's only one thing left to try.
(snoring) (snoring) (both grunt) (all grunt) (whispers): And, lift.
Put my sack back on.
I'm trying to sleep.
(both snoring) (grunts) Hmm? (gasps) (gasps) Where are we? I don't know.
Eat your broccoli.
No.
We're on an old-time boat.
We've been kidnapped.
(chuckles): Not kidnapped, shanghaied.
Oh.
Oh.
My name is Captain Bowditch.
Your wife signed you up for a week at sea, where you'll live like sailors, eat like sailors and use therapeutic techniques to solve father-son conflicts like sailors.
Hmm? Hmm? For there's no better place to solve relationship issues than on The Relation Ship.
"Relation Ship.
" It works two ways.
(laughs) Pretty good.
(laughs) Pretty good.
Hey, lame ass, Thanks to you, we're stuck on a stupid therapy boat.
I'm the lame ass? The only lame ass on this boat is you and all the other lame asses! (both grunting, groaning) Shouldn't we do something? We are doing something.
We're empathizing.
I just know Bart and Homer are best friends already.
I can feel it.
(computer dings) Ooh, I'm getting a message from your father's fantasy football league.
I must still be logged in as him.
Lenny used the "uck" word.
Mom, it's trash talk.
You know how guys say mean things to their friends, the way women say nice things to their enemies.
Oh.
(computer dings) Yikes! Well I don't like this trash talk.
And I'm gonna do something about it.
Even if I have to bring in the big guns.
Dear Lord, please help Homer's friends understand that make-believe computer football is no excuse for using the Internet to be mean.
(phone buzzes) (gasps) Trash talk? In church? No.
No, not here.
(phones buzzing) MARGE (gasps): It's everywhere.
And now, a moment of silence for the victims of the Shelbyville sinkhole.
(phone buzzes) (Marge gasps) The WI-Fi.
The WI-Fi.
I've got to take out The WI-Fi.
She's under a lot of stress.
Her husband's at sea.
(bell dinging) Ahoy, lads and dads.
It's never easy to talk about your feelings in front of strangers so we're going to sing about them.
Who wants to sing about their feelings Who wants to go first and sing about their feelings I'll go first and sing about my feelings I'm so happy to be singing.
Now, Homer.
D'oh! So, Cletus, Gitmo, what brings you fellas to The Relation Ship? My daddy's always overpraisin' me.
Aw, that's great honesty, son.
I'm so proud of you.
(scoffs) Why won't you let me fail? What about you, Bart, Homer? Homer? Lethargy, skin spots, spongy gums-- this man's got scurvy.
But we've only been at sea one day.
When's the last time you had citrus? I had a mimosa at brunch a few years ago.
Well, Bart, while your father spends the next few days sucking out of the lemon barrel, you'll drink deep of the hearty grog of empowerment.
What does that mean? Mainly climbing.
Except for Wednesday night when we project a movie on the sails.
But, really, a lot of climbing.
(Gilbert and Sullivan's "We Sail the Ocean Blue" playing) Sheepshank, bowline, clove hitch (Homer sucking) Dad, look, I did a round turn with two half hitches.
You lie! (gasps) Wait a minute.
Windswept hair, rugged tan, rough, calloused hands.
You're enjoying this, aren't you?! So what if I am? You're my son and you will hate what I hate.
Angled parking.
Lemons.
Kickstarters by famous guys who already have lots of money.
And this boat! I'm old enough to choose my own things to hate.
And the things I like.
And I like being a sailor.
Betrayed by my worst enemy.
I never would have seen it coming.
Why, Bart, that's a perfect halyard cleat.
Just like you taught me, Captain.
Over, under, over, under, over, under, under, under, over, over, over, over, over, over, over, under, over, half hitch.
Well, the standard form is under, over, under, over, under, under, under, under, under, over, over, under, under, under, under, around, over, over, under Fathers, sons, together we've made a lot of progress on this voyage.
I learned that left is called "port.
" I finally got over my sea sickness.
(retches) Terrific, Homer.
Just terrific.
But one sailor has truly taken to nautical life.
I hereby award Bart Simpson the post of midshipman.
(spits) Wow.
So now I can give orders? That's right, Mr.
Midshipman.
Wait a minute.
I'm his father.
He can't order me around.
He's your superior officer, so he can and will order you around.
And what if I refuse? Oh! I'm sorry we had to discipline you.
On the positive side, you won't miss out on the father/son hornpipe dance.
(playing accordion) Oh, I hate the Golden Age of Sail.
(whistles) Officer on deck! Seaman Homer, you're supposed to be swabbing the deck.
Why should I? It's just gonna get dirty again.
I'm in charge.
You do what I say.
Fine.
I'll swab whatever you say.
Look! I'm swabbing the deck.
I'm swabbing this giant tree that the sail grows out of.
Ooh! I'm swabbing the top of the ocean.
Ooh! Swab, swab, swab Hey! What the? Fantasy football has turned every man in this town into a trash-talking monster.
Oh, face it-- all men live in a sad world of profanity, boob jokes and tired comedy references.
MÃ¡s cowbell! (laughter) There's only one thing that will shut these guys up.
You got to beat one of them at fantasy football.
(dramatic, epic sports theme music playing) Then that's what I'm gonna do.
NARRATOR: Game day.
As an icy mist rose from a package of defrosting hamburger meat, desktop gladiator Marge Simpson prepared to lead her husband's team against undefeated trash-talker Moe Szyslak.
Mom did everything: she checked injury lists, scouting reports, she even studied the tapes.
The tapes of The Real Housewives of Tampa Bay, where she watched star running back Lakwando Demarius get kicked out of his house after buying his wife the wrong color convertible.
That doesn't match my phone! Lakwando's mind won't be on the game.
And benched.
And now to make my big move.
Homer's team e-mailed asking to start five kickers.
I was like, "Okay, it's, uh, your funeral.
" There would be no funeral.
High winds, unlocked by the savage power of climate change, allowed Marge's five kickers to launch a long-range campaign of three-point annihilation.
An 85-yard field goal? You got to be kidding me! Refresh, refresh.
But no amount of refreshing could alter the facts: Despite a breathtaking ignorance and a powerful dislike of the sport, a rookie housewife had defeated a savvy veteran, proving conclusively that fantasy football is basically just luck.
Ahoy, Midshipman.
I hope your voyage on The Relation Ship is proving interpersonally fruitful.
I don't know.
It's really hard when someone doesn't respect your authority.
Epiphany ho.
And I'm sure your father has been doing some growing and learning of his own.
I found some booze in another dad's bag Drunk, drunk Drunk on a boat Yi-yo-yu! (grunts) You don't need booze, Homer.
I went to sea because I'm a recovering alcoholic.
But out here on the waves, I no longer crave the sweet, warm, soothing flavors of yummy, yummy rummy.
(gulping) I love this boat! With all its pullies and flappies and Everything has a name.
You know what, Homer? I've always wanted to eat a parrot.
What's the big deal? It's just like a green chicken! Yeah NARRATOR: But fortune did not favor The Relation Ship, as the same winds that lofted Marge's fantasy field goals to victory now sent gales of doom toward this vessel of questionable therapeutic value.
(thunder rumbling) White lightnin' squall! Why is the captain just juggling? Okay, o-okay.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Someone count me in! I said count me in! Don't worry, I'll radio the Coast Guard for help.
The therapy bears! Look out for the therapy bears! Oh! I'm a-comin', bears! Don't stand there gawking like a dang fool! Do somethin', boy! You criticized me! That's all I ever wanted, Daddy, honest parenting.
CLETUS: Aw Now I'm the ship's highest-ranking officer.
It's up to me to get us to shore.
Dad, we can make it to harbor if we can just sail around that lighthouse.
Are you crazy? We'll never make it! Drop the anchor and wait out the storm! No, we need to sail.
I'm dropping the anchor! Can't you just do what I say? You've never done what I say-- ever! (booming, crashing) (gasps) (gulps, groans) (gasps) Now can we please respect each other? (booming, crashing) Yes, son.
We can.
Awaiting your orders, Mr.
Midshipman! Put up the storm jib and haul in the main sheet! Aye aye, sir.
Another success story for The Relation Ship.
(glugging) (humming happily) (humming happily) So, did your sailing adventure help you work out your issues? Does this answer your question? (sailor's hornpipe music plays) Yar! Quite a hornpipe Thar be.
But, uh, surely you would never have gone on a sea adventure without your old friend, the Sea Captain.
Yar.
That's gonna hurt for a long time.
Yar.
(Gilbert and Sullivan's "We Sail the Ocean Blue" playing)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Super Franchise Me
The Simpsons s26e03 Episode Script
Super Franchise Me
Tea for the tillerman Steak for the son Wine for the woman who made the rain come Seagulls sing your hearts away 'Cause while the sinners sin The children play Oh, Lord, how they play and play For that happy day For that happy day Happy day.
D'oh! (humming a tune) You're never bored paintin' the Lord.
Daddy, could you help us with our school project? We're huntin' vampire appliances! Say no more.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
(grunting) Diddily, diddily (grunts) Well, we pulled more plugs than a Dutch doctor.
Now let's take a trip to the side of the house.
BOTH: Yay! (gasps) Why, that's a higher power than even I believe in.
What is going on? My room, kids' room, knick-knack nook, Beatles Bunker, Left-hand Lounge What's this? (carnival music plays) (whooping) Huh? (music stops) Hey, I was listening to that.
Homer Simpson.
Got any other sockets in my pockets? Absolutely not.
Really? Really? Really?! (groans) My one weakness-- the third "really.
" Come with me.
(Homer grumbles, sighs) Turn right here.
I keep this frozen meat in case society collapses but we still have power.
Homer! This is my freezerino.
Seriously, I am getting so tired of those stupid Flandersisms.
It's the name of the freezer! HOMER: Okily Dokahama? FLANDER: Right next to Mount Fu-Gee, I'm glad to see ya! HOMER: Aw.
It's all gonna thaw! Don't you give up on me! I'll cook this meat, cut it up and make it into sandwiches.
And I will wait and worry! (no voice) So, I cooked the meat, sliced it up, made sandwiches, cut off the crust, fed those to the dog Aw, somebody wants more crust.
Here you go, boy! Here you go.
Have some more.
Still hungry, buddy? Dad, dogs don't know when to stop eating.
Lucky.
Ta-DA! ALL: Whoa! Oh, Marge, once again you've taken one of my screwups and turned it into food.
Man, if only you could do that with Bart.
Mom! Dad's imagining me as food again! He does it to all of us.
Can someone put butter on me? HOMER: Family-icious.
Come on, where's that butter? Hey, Mom, can you pack me a dozen sandwiches in my lunch tomorrow? Meat, no meat, it's all good.
Sandwiches, Mom.
Fill 'er up.
And the garment bag.
What's going on? Are you kids eating your feelings? No, whenever anything bothers me, I harmlessly vent it to Maggie.
I smash fluorescent lights at the gravel pit.
But that's so many sandwiches.
Kids love them.
We trade them at school.
They replaced cigarettes as our currency.
Bubble gum cigarettes? Yeah, sure.
(doorbell rings) What are you doing here, freezer stealer? Ned's letting us use his freezer to store the extra sandwiches.
Well, I felt a little guilty for taking back what belonged to me.
(whoops) Flanders isn't perfect! (chuckling): Never claimed to be.
Yeah, and aren't.
Marge, see this face? It's opportunity.
Blink, and you'll miss it.
Huh? Just kidding.
I'm right behind you.
I'm Trudy Zengler, vice president of development for Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboards.
How would you like to run your own business? Take control of your financial future.
Hmm.
Homie, how much money do we have put aside in case something happens to you? None.
(groans) If that flashback you just described is true, you can't afford not to open this franchise.
I'm in.
Wow, Mom! You're gonna open a sandwich store? Uh-huh.
Mom, if you're gonna do this, there's one thing I need to know.
And be honest.
What's your soda refill policy? All you can drink, if you buy a jumbo cup.
Careful, Marge, that's how I bankrupted a Pizza Hut.
Mmm that's good.
More, more.
Refill Free! I-I just I Where is it going? My store.
My offset spatula.
Mine! (door opens, bell rings) Well, well, well.
Seems like someone forgot there's a Krusty Burger two blocks away.
Go ahead, Teeny.
Show 'em what we did to Arby's.
She did the one thing I never could-- feed him.
You're a cool customer, Marge.
And we've got your back.
With everything from pre-sliced tomatoes, to the homey needlepoint on the walls.
Aw And now, the best part of running your own franchise-- picking your Sammy Fammy.
You'll want to avoid that.
Your monkey just ate all my turkey.
You want some monkey meat to replace it? No.
It's low-fat.
GIL: As you can see, I was just two credits short at Southern Illinois, and I got to be honest with you, Marge.
I need this job bad.
Hmm You seem to have had, and lost, a lot of jobs.
It's a whole new world, Marge.
A whole new world.
Why, my dad spent his whole life at one company.
Started in the basement mailroom, and ended his career jumping out the window from the top floor.
(groans) Yeah, he was wearing this suit.
Corpse suit.
I'm not sure this is going to work out.
Oh, I get it.
You won't hire me because I'm pretty.
That could be a lawsuit.
No lawsuit! You're hired! Okay, so I don't want to do anything that'll ruin my manicure.
Well, then why do you want this job? So I can get manicures.
Duh! Professor, could you say, "Welcome to Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboard" without making any other noises? Of course I can, my dear child.
Welcome to Mother Hubbard's uh Sandwich mcboing boing glavin flyvy hyvy goyvyn, and now I'm running to the unemployment office.
Blervyk.
(Marge groaning) I'm too nervous to sleep.
(Homer grunts) (sighs) (grunts sleepily) (sighs aggressively) (stammers awake) I'm sorry I woke you up.
I'm just so anxious about tomorrow.
What if the store fails? What if I fail? Well, you woke up the right man in bed.
I love you, Marjorie.
And I've had my share of failures, sure.
And sometimes I get pretty nervous.
But thanks for talking it out with me.
I think I can finally get to sleep now.
No! No, no, no! It was me that couldn't get to (snoring) (sighs) (stammers awake) Oh, make love now? (groans) Say there, buddy, are you interested in our Two-For-One Tuesday? I never would have been, till I got this flyer! Interested in some exotic dancers, huh? Today's "Tell You Their Real Name" Tuesday.
Are you working two jobs here, Gil? No, and I resent the accusation.
Tell me, it's pointing west, right? Hola.
No change for the meter.
No, no, I'd like to see the manager.
Mrs.
Boss! Some fat blob wants to see you.
MARGE: Homer! Marge.
Come on, let's celebrate! It's your first day! Homie, I'm a little worried.
Do you know there were no customers between 2:00 and 4:00? Hey, Tony Roma's wasn't built in a day.
But don't worry, I told everyone about this place, and they're all going to support you.
You do have drone delivery, right? I kind of promised that.
We don't have drone delivery! You'll have to find a substitute.
(humming a tune) HOMER: Damn it! (humming) (Marge groaning) (groans) What's wrong? Mother Hubbard Central expects you to buy a lot of stuff from them.
Uniforms, fixin's.
It's like they don't care if you make money as long as they make money.
What kind of corporation does that? (stammers) I'm not trying to be political, but I'm the only one you can trust here.
(gasps) Shauna! I saw that! I'm going to have to let you go.
Oh, so you're, like, firing me like in that movie where that girl gets fired? I'm sorry.
If I'm fired, then he's quitting! I am?! Oh, that's what holds them up.
What am I going to do? I'm down two employees and it's the afternoon rush.
(bell dings) I need a six-foot party sub.
Lots of mayonnaise.
And I mean lots.
Never stop squirting mayo.
Don't worry, baby.
(humming a tune) Thank you, Homie.
Why does this have to be so hard?! Oh, uh, sorry there, Marge.
This is my changing room.
You are working two jobs! No, these are my real legs.
I'm I'm not a well man, Marge.
This is so sad.
In his homeland, Dad was a nuclear engineer.
Oh, I was short-staffed and your father volunteered.
Actually, I was wondering if you two might want to lend a hand.
No, no.
You want to make American kids work? You're supposed to be driving me to a tennis class I said I wanted, then I changed my mind and I hate it so much I'm faking stomachaches to get out of it.
Would it kill one of you to wash a bell pepper? Um, I'm not sure this is the best use of my skills.
I said wash! And, Bart, go work the deep fryer.
Well, if I'll be doing this when I'm 40, might as well start now.
(humming a tune) (gasps) I'm home.
Guys, this is gonna be hard for a while.
But we'll get through this as a family.
Yes, we will.
The Simpsons and old Uncle Gil.
Uh, Gil? I've been meaning to tell you you're fired.
Yeah, well, guess I had it coming.
Can I take some bologna heels? As many as you like.
You sure? Take them! Aw, yeah! It's a big ol' fat one! The best things in life are free But you can give them to the birds and bees I need money That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want Your love give me such a thrill But your love don't pay my bills I need money That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want Good baby.
Oh, yeah.
Real good baby.
Good everybody.
You won't believe it, but we actually turned a profit today.
Kids, we're taking some shredded lettuce, pre-sliced cheese and cold cuts, and turning them into the American dream.
Uh, guys, what the hell is that? (gasps) They're opening another Mother Hubbard? Across the street?! How could they? How could they?! CHIEF WIGGUM: Move, move, move! Eh, Chief, uh, who are you fooling with this one sandwich a day diet? It's on whole wheat, Lou.
Cleans up your insides.
I'm gonna sit next to it.
How could they open another franchise so close to me? Don't worry, Marge.
They can't beat us.
Because we're family-run.
Aah! Hillbillies! Okay, in you go, Minimum Wade, Addem-up, Oxycontin, Fontanelle and Pediculus.
You make way for those that's nocturnal coming off the night shift.
(squealing) Huh? (sighs) (yawns) Mom, I need a few hours off.
It's Milhouse's birthday party and I'm all the guests.
I understand, honey.
Did you get someone to cover? Mm.
Grampa.
I'm working the drive-through! There is no drive-through! (coos) No, thank coo! (sighs) (door opens, bell dings) Ah, finally-- a customer! Aah! Simpson, why aren't you at work? Whoa, hold that famous temper, Smithers.
Who is this? Simpson, introduce me to this almond-eyed beauty, and all is forgiven.
Uh, Mr.
Burns, I'd like you to meet Mother Hubbard standee.
From the Wisconsin Standees! Milk-fed, yet so slim.
Permit me to play you a tune on my mouth organ.
Sir, maybe we should go.
Sorry you died! Put the body with the others.
Whew.
Homer, if I ever seem that senile, get a gun and What are you doing with that gun?! Marge, have you ever seen pants do this? (gasps) You're working so hard you've lost weight! We're killing ourselves trying to run a restaurant no one goes to.
I've never said this to you before, but I'm saying it now.
I'm going to Moe's.
(gasps) Now I know why you come here so much.
No matter how sad you are inside, what you see looks worse.
Yeah.
It was really hard for me to make this place look old but not in any way comfortable.
Now maybe some TV will cheer you up.
If you's in the mood for a sammich, come on down to Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboard Express, for all the sandwiches you love! Bread sammich.
Yesterday's what's-it with ketchup.
And the thing what ate our chickens.
BRANDINE: Looks like a fox, but it ain't.
Be sure to follow us on Kinterest and Critter! Aw! "Yesterday's what's-it"? Why does everyone go to them? It's express, Marge.
Yeah, with our busy lifestyle, we got to have express.
Aw.
Listen there, Midge.
I know how to get yous out of your contract.
But I got to warn you you will never work in the fast-food industry again.
Go on.
Please.
So, you see, Ms.
Zengler, the Mother Hubbard's Express across the street is stealing all our business.
It's not fair.
If you want fairness, work at a Sunglass Hut.
This is the sandwich game.
I don't understand you.
I grew up in the pageant system.
Oh.
Now I completely understand you.
I'm a litigious businessman, and I need a coffee to go.
One jumbo Joe to go! (yells in pain) Get the first-aid kit! One Florence Nightingale in a box! And make it snappy! Ow! I got this.
Ow! Oh, why do these things happen to innocent victims? I was just about to become a million-dollar crotch model! Hey, hey, hey! It's not corporate's fault! Really? But the franchise agreement says Mother Hubbard Inc.
would provide adequate training for all employees, which they didn't.
Clause 27C-3.
(scoffs) You actually read this thing? It was written by two lawyers who had to keep waking the other one up.
If you'll just give me back my original investment, I'll take full responsibility for this man's injuries.
Please tell me I'm still beautiful! All right, Marge.
You've got a deal.
Well, family, we should be proud.
We took on corporate America and broke even.
Hear, hear! Sir? I-I think we've gone far enough to dispose of the body.
Dispose? Ooh.
I've come here to pitch woo.
(groans) (grunts) D'oh! Mmm.
Sandwich.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Treehouse of Horror XXV
The Simpsons s26e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXV
(Johnny Carson Tonight Show theme playing) KANG: Live from Rigel 7, Conquerors of Rigels 4 through 6, it's the 25th annual Treehouse of Horror! With special guest stars Jennifer Lawrence, Warren Beatty, John Travolta, Clint Eastwood, George Clooney, Prince, Taylor Swift, Sean Penn, Bruce Springsteen, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, James Franco, Kanye West and Leonardo DiCaprio.
(applause and cheering) Why? (Kang and Kodos laughing) This has been a bad week, even for you, Simpson.
Concrete in the sandbox? I don't get lost anymore! Spreading the rumor that today's lunch would be served by a naked lady.
Move it! Boobs! Boobs! I want to see boobs in the soup! There is no naked lunch lady! Bart made it up! Yes, yes, I-I knew that.
There's no hope for you, Simpson.
You'll be locked in detention until you graduate to the penal system.
(laughing) Penal.
Stop laughing! I said "penal," not "penile.
" (laughs) Penile.
It's not like you made me say "penis"! (laughing) (groaning) Hmm.
Ow! Oh.
Someone could get really hurt by this.
Stick your finger in that desk.
Really, Bart? Hmm, looks like ancient Aramaic.
Fortunately, I have an app for that.
(beep) (click, trilling, ding) Hey! "He who reads this rune translation will be taken to damnation"? (both gasp) (both scream) (hissing) (alarm sounding) SKINNER: Simpson! (hissing) (both grunt) BOTH: Huh? We're in Hell?! Cool! Now I can look up all those people who said "See you in Hell.
" Hey, pal, what are you in here for? Heresies, like Docetism.
Docetism? The belief that Jesus' body was just an illusion.
Is that still big? Haw-haw! Your heresies were venialized by the council of Palermo.
Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up! (crowd chatter and groaning) We've got millipedes, toothheads, screaming torsos (screaming) your bleeding eyes with finger-legs.
And all the girls are mean girls.
Red dress, how original.
Making fun of someone's clothes.
How original.
Huh.
You want to walk with us? It's true.
It would be a cold day in Hell when I was popular.
Huh? Young man, where's your Hell pass? Skin him! Whoa.
(gasps) (grunts) Huh? Hmm.
So, what would be the appropriate eternal torture for someone who robbed a bank? (flame whooshing) Uh Someone who robs a bank.
How would you punish them for all time? Mm Jeffistopheles? (in squeaky voice): Uh wh-whipping? Okay.
Good.
No one likes to be whipped, but is there anything more connected to the sin? Torture? What if you made the robber eat bags of money until his stomach exploded? Good.
Very good.
(high-pitched whooshing) Mm.
Psychological torment.
Pain plus fear.
Oh, can you all feel how much richer that is? You get a pumpkin sticker.
Ow.
(gasps) This has never happened before.
I have a crush on my teacher! Down here, we can make that happen.
(locker door squeaks) (both giggle) Every time the sinner screams in pain, the scream blows this windmill, which pumps even more piranhas into his aquarium underwear, causing more screaming.
Wow.
Wow.
Oh, that is so evil.
And I know evil.
I'm head of the teachers' union.
(bell ringing) (grunting and groaning) Bart, I found a portal back to Earth.
Right here? No, no, no, no! That's Super Hell! Hot Stuff? I didn't realize you were that evil.
(Ã  la Droopy): No, I'm being punished for how lame my comics were.
(whooshing) I melted it.
Get it? (crow caws) (flames whooshing, hissing) Welcome to Earth.
Local time is 10:37.
We know you have your choice of portals, so thank you for choosing the Burns Hellport, a division of Gulf and Western.
(Lisa pants, Bart grunts) Mom, Dad, I want to change schools.
Hmm?! I found a place that really wants to teach me, and I really want to learn.
Homie, our prayers have been answered.
Keep your pants on, Marge.
It's probably some private school that costs a million dollars a year, and then they squeeze you for extra money through book fairs and silent auctions.
And parents get 20 e-mails a day from the school, and everyone hits "reply all" to everything.
Dad, it's not a private school.
It's free.
Oh, that's fine then.
(man screaming) I couldn't help noticing this school is located in I'm not one to judge, but, um I'll say it, Marge.
It's in Hell! The Inferno! Perdition! Arizona without the golf! No.
We do have golf, but all the greens are tricky.
No! Look, as educators, our job is to gently nurture your child's passion.
Hmm.
That is the kind of nonsense you're always falling for.
Mom, please tell me I can go to Hell.
Well, I guess we could try it for a semester.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You know, we have many opportunities for parent involvement.
(scoffs) Yeah, I'll be sure to take a look at that.
(grunting) Hell Hell is for children And you know that their little lives can become such a mess Hell Hell is for children And you shouldn't have to pay for your love With your bones and your flesh Hmm.
No, hell is for children.
Now, students, it's final exam day, and none of you wants to repeat the class like a certain student I don't want to embarrass.
Torture? Uh Beelzebart, you're first.
And you're going to torment a very special sinner we've prepared just for you.
Homer? That-That's my dad.
I can't hurt him.
No, boy.
I want you to do it.
What? Why? Bart, you went to Hell and came back a winner, like Jesus.
Now, come on, boy.
Pull me apart like string cheese.
D'oh! D'oh! (shrieks) Webster defines success as the action of achieving one's goals.
Don't you, Webster? I don't care! Why am I here? You changed the "R-E" to "E-R" in "theater.
" I hate that! Well, I'll tell you who is supposed to be here-- class mal-edictorian, Beelzebart Simpson.
(applause and cheering) (Homer chuckling) Which one's yours? (grunting) Nice.
MOE: That was me, when I was a young hoodlink, with me three bestest glugs, Leonard, Carlton and Dum.
We was narsty tastards, we were, even though we dressed like Carol Channing's backup dancers.
Some days, we'd employ a bit of the bash while having a go at the West End Wiseguys Ooh, stop it! Hey, pally, come on.
Hey, what's wrong with youse? Ooh, I was told this would be a verbal debate! Ooh! and cap off the night with a little of the ol' in-out.
ALL: In.
Out.
(bell dinging) In.
Out.
(bell dinging) In.
Out.
In.
Out.
(bell dinging) MOE: Everything was all fish and chippy until Dum collected himself a twiggy-wick.
(with British accent): Hello, little lamb.
What say we go back to my place for a little of the old Luther Van? I can't fool myself, I don't want nobod (William Tell Overture plays) Oy! I'm getting hitched to this bluebird, and she wants me to give up the glug life.
Welly, welly, well, well, well.
What sorry future could you have without your truest lunos by your side? Dum got a job at the Tower of London as a Beefeater! I hope it's what I think it is.
MOE: Who knew, my brothers, that when Dum found his Dumpling that was the end of our band of glugs? Leonard and Carlton informed me my leadership was no longer needed.
(grunting) Ah.
Not the Shard! Not the Shard! (groaning) So I took up the respectable life of a sleazy barkeep.
(sighs heavily) These eye clamps are the only way I can tolerate today's TV.
TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Fox (groaning) Turn it off! I'll be good! (crying): I'll be good! (doorbell rings) There's been a terrible accident, sir.
Please grant me access to your home.
Are you kidding me? I invented that gag.
Please, sir.
Certainly a Christian is required to completely unbolt his door.
Come on, you can't pull the wooly bull over my viddyballs.
(groaning) That's a bit of the old haw-haw! (door squeaking) (Moe grunting) (grunting) Not my Shmoo! Not my Shmoo! (Moe crying) (Shmoo shatters) Those punks got no respect for them what come before.
Didn't even wear no codpieces.
How do they expect to draw the eye to their chunky-wunks? I need me glugs back for one last bit of barmy.
No! You should not be out glugging, shin-slicing, or eye groining.
We've got a sweet little toddle to take care of.
(squeaking) (squeaking) Enough of this quiet home life! It's time to be a man again.
After all these month-Os, I hope we don't disremember how to dash and bash.
Let's start easy with a little walk into the jay.
(siren blares) Wait! I recognize those cops what's be whackin' my gob-topper! It's Leonard and Carlton! (laughter) You blokes want to join me for one last bit o' noggin' boggin'? I saved your bowlers.
Hmm? Hmm? MOE: Once again, the glugs was hittin' the streets all slow-motion like-- and just as scarifyin' and intimidato as ever.
Hey, keep up! (panting) MOE: We put nasties in a hat and selectoed out one.
(deep, echoing groaning nearby) Hey, what kind of Whoo-hoo is this? Welcome to the most frustrating, befuddling and, yes, erotic book release party you've ever attended.
Sir, are you done with my bird mask? (chuckles): Oh, I don't think you want to wear it now.
I'll be the judge of that.
Come on, me glugs! Let's show these nectarinoes we're still the best at what we do: beatin' up old people and bare-naked ladies! Get them, becostumed weirdos! Sex-view blockers, keep blocking.
I'll, uh, I'll let you finish.
(ape-like grunting) ("Also Sprach Zarathustra" playing) I thought I left my iPhone here.
(inquisitive grunt) (hammers cock) Ooh! Even I forget what this is a reference to.
MOE: And so, O my brothers, I was beaten, I was bruised, I couldn't score at an orgy.
But I was happy.
All right, let's burn this, let's rewrite everything, and, uh, let's start all over.
("The Blue Danube" playing) (music stops abruptly) Ow.
(tired mumbling) (low grunt) Stupid blood-- asking me for a favor! (grunts) Homer, Homer, look what someone left in the kitchen.
Frosty chocolate milkshakes.
Dad, the TV's screwed up.
It only plays Married with Children.
Aw, Peg, you're sick.
Let me call Dr.
Kevorkian.
We haven't had sex in four years, Al.
(audience jeers) Now I'm the one who needs Kevorkian.
(audience laughter) VOICES (distorted): Our house.
This house is haunted.
(gasps) The milkshakes have vanished! (slurping) Hmm? What? (slurping) Homie, I think we're not alone.
I was sleeping in the dryer and got caught in your sheets.
I'll go make up the couch for you.
(whimpers) (Marge moaning amorously) Whoa, Marge, that was fast.
Yeah, that's it, baby.
Grab my chest with your cold, icy hands.
(moans) (shrieks) The bed is lifting me! The elevator at work can't even do that.
I demand you put me down right after the sex! D'oh! All right, show yourselves in the name of this book! D'oh! Oh.
The power of Chrysler compels you! What are you, cavemen? Turn on the lights! (screaming) Hey! A little respect! (grumbles) Take a picture-- it'll last longer, man.
Hey, if you're Homer Simpson, show me your driver's license! Well, I traded it to a kid for a bite of his sandwich.
(gasps) He is me! Noble spirits, your time has passed.
(belches) That was unmotivated.
Don't have a cow, man.
Shut up! Ay, caramba! (belches) Homer, do something! Why is it always me? I work 12 hours a week, you know.
She doesn't know what a good thing she's got.
I like a man who can relax.
Not like Grumpy-Lumpy there.
Quit makin' cracks! Speaking of cracks, pull up your pants, dude.
I'll crack you! (grunting) (chuckling) What kind of afterlife is this? Can't even strangle my dead kid.
So yeah, things aren't perfect with the missus and me, and, uh, by the way, nice melons.
Those are in the kitchen! D'oh! I can't believe you wasted our money on fruit! (purring) Homer Simpson! Can you be more specific? (growling) (both chuckling) (giggles) Mmm! (grumbles) There's no reason to be jealous.
It's just younger you.
Oh! So, he likes ghosts better, eh? Fine.
Hmm.
Might as well clean this while I'm killing myself.
(quiet grunting) (grunting) (thud) (humming a tune) Hmm? (chuckles): Well, hello-ho-ho.
Aah! A ghost! I feel like a ghost, the way you haven't been paying attention to me.
Plus, I'm dead.
Don't yell at me-- I'm a double widower.
But I can handle all the ghosts you can float at me.
Won't the other Homer be a problem? Heh! I think he gets it.
See? He You stupid What the? Ooh! Mmm, I smell toast.
(groans) (whoosh) Well, I guess you and I are in charge now, Bart.
But if we split the chores, I'm sure that we c What are you doing?! Sayonara, sucker! Oh, no, you're not leaving me to clean this up! (yells) (grunts) (whoosh) Whoo-hoo! I'm the last of the Simpsons! In I.
Q.
only! Huh? (grunts, coughs, groans) GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Thank you! Willie's got stew for the winter.
Wait a minute-- who killed Maggie? This is all your fault, Homer, for wanting somebody new.
I just wanted the woman I married.
I never realized you had so much work done.
Simpsons, please! This fighting solves nothing! Dr.
Marvin Monroe?! Are you alive or dead? (groans) I'm in some horrible limbo.
I can walk halfway through walls, then I get stuck.
(creaking) Uh-oh.
Now I'm gonna have to look at that every morning.
Well, I think you're helping us make progress.
Thank you.
Let's not fight anymore.
Let's just make him decide between us.
Choose me because I'm not bitter yet, I can stay up later, and you're on my mind all the time.
Hmm, Marge number two, how would you win my whoopie? Those are great reasons, but there's one reason you should choose me: because I know everything you've done, and yet I still want to be with you.
That is so beautiful.
(both sigh) You're right, Marge-- I could never leave you, not even for you.
If there was a dot or a squiggle different, that would be too much.
Oh, Homie! Oh, Homie! (all moaning) It's time to cut the treacle, man.
Why, you little! (birds chirping) Mmm (belches) (loud chewing, belching continues) (whoosh) I just had a worrisome thought.
If there can be two incarnations of the Simpsons, why couldn't some evil marketing entity produce millions of others? (new Homer voice): All right, Simpsons, welcome to our new home.
Yo, yo, Santa's Little Helper is in da house! (howls) (fierce grunt) Mmm! (squeaky gibberish) (high-pitched): D'oh! Okay, hold still.
This is the last picture on the roll.
Isn't it about time you went digital? Watch your mouth, you little smart-ass.
ORIGINAL LISA: Yeah, Bart.
Nothing's gonna ruin this one.
(timer ticking) Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
(gulping) (flash pops, camera whirs) HOMER: D'oh! (screaming)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Opposites A-frack
The Simpsons s26e05 Episode Script
Opposites A-frack
HOMER (laughs): Whoo! Pork chops with gravy! Wait.
But today's not Pork Chop Tuesday.
Or Gravy Thursday! I also set up some mirrors so you could watch hockey fights while you eat.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, I love Canadian-on-Canadian violence.
Oh, baby, this is so great! Thank you so much.
I'm just happy you're happy.
Wait a minute, that's not something people really feel.
What's going on? Well, I do have a favor.
Patty and Selma came home early from their vacation, but the cleaners still haven't gotten all the black mold out of their apartment.
(deep roar) So they need a place to stay.
Here.
(shrieks) Paris was a bust.
They wouldn't even let us see the Mona Lisa.
They kept yelling, "La Joconde! Her smile will die!" No, Marge, no! You can't invite a couple of Riddlers to stay in the Bat Cave! You ate the food and looked in the mirrors.
They're staying! (gruff chuckling) (inhaling, exhaling loudly) (Bart and Lisa coughing) Hmm.
Oh, honey, one teensy problem with this plan.
I'm a teensy bit concerned about them smoking around the children.
You know, their lungs are so teensy.
Mwah! Mwah! Hmm.
He has a point.
No, no.
No, no, we don't have to smoke.
We can stop whenever we want.
See? (hissing) (both grunt) Okay, how about this-- if you catch us smoking in the house, even one time, you can throw us out on the street.
You know what? I trust them not to smoke.
And if you trust them, I trust them, too.
(devious chuckling) Safety first! Screw this.
We'll just go outside.
Nature is God's ashtray.
(grunting) (thunder crashes) Bad news, bears.
Forecast calls for nothing but rain.
(both groaning) (grunting) (glass shatters) (humming) Here we go.
Problem solved.
Electric cigarettes.
(loud inhaling) Choke on our harmless fumes.
Hmm? Well, if you fall asleep with them, will you even burn to death? BOTH: Uh-uh.
Oh.
(loud, rapid inhaling and exhaling) They call these cigarettes? They don't stain my fingers, my hair smells like hair, and what do I stub out in my scrambled eggs? Sure, it's got the nicotine, but where's the tar? Where's the stab from every breath that reminds me I'm alive? No smoke detector! Let's roll! (both grunting) Wait, wait.
Turn on the faucet so no one'll get suspicious.
(explosion) (smoke detectors beeping) Aha! I gotcha! (beeping stops) You can't resist smoking in the house any more than I can resist drinking in the car.
What happened? I don't know.
The water caught on fire.
(gasps) And now I banish you from paradise.
I'm glad I never bothered to learn which one of you is which.
Please, show some compassion for two good people who just can't stop smoking.
Hmm hmm.
I know just the place.
(tires screech) (coughing) (both sniffing) Oh! (shudders) Tobacco! (both chuckling excitedly) (loud inhaling, exhaling) Who needs Paris? This is our City of Lights! Flaming tap water.
I saw something about that in a documentary.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Cute.
(gasps) This one! MALE NARRATOR: In this rural community, hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, was greeted as a windfall.
(crowd cheering) By pumping high-pressure liquid into underground shale deposits, fracking releases natural gas, but can lead to devastating environmental consequences.
(whooshes) Yep, used to be you could try burning your water all day and nothing would happen.
Henry, did you remember to turn off the Slip 'N Slide? (children laughing) (explosion, screaming) Well, I reckon not.
I think someone is fracking under our neighborhood.
And I know who.
It's you, Mr.
Texan.
Oil wasn't enough-- now you're going after our natural gas.
Aw, now, ain't nothing natural about gas.
If you can't dance in it, I ain't drilling for it.
I don't do this for the money, it's the dancing.
It's always been the dancing.
(whooping and laughing) (both sigh) All right! BART: Oh, man.
He made us watch him dance for three hours, and he really only has one move.
If someone was fracking in our neighborhood, wouldn't we know it? Maybe a satellite picture will give us a clue.
Hmm, this is clearly a fracking site.
How are they keeping people away? (wind whistling) Aw, it's a terrific sport Shh! This whole building is just a facade for a drilling operation.
Indeed it is.
Evergreen Terrace is built atop a massive shale deposit.
Think of it-- all that poor natural gas trapped underneath your shanties and lean-tos.
Smithers, give these two brats what they deserve for sticking their noses in my business.
(both groan) (groans) Stopping Mr.
Burns may be beyond the power of an eight-year-old girl with a book report due on Beezus and Ramona, but I know someone who can help: the first female Speaker of the State Assembly, a politician who would never ignore a fellow environmentalist in need, my hero, Maxine Lombard.
(gasps) Charge the electric limo-- we're going to Springfield.
What about your cool-down period? What about it?! Lisa! Motorcade! Assemblywoman Lombard! You got my e-mails! I'll go anywhere, anytime, to defend our precious Bay Area values.
(gasps) Terrible! Just shocking.
D-Does anybody have a baby we can hold near the flames? I guess I do.
(sighs) I'm gonna hit this Mr.
Burns with a politician's most powerful weapon: an invitation to a committee hearing.
Mr.
Burns, do you admit that you illegally pump toxic chemicals into the groundwater below Evergreen Terrace? (indistinct whispering) I don't recall.
Mr.
Burns! Have you no regard for the life and health of your fellow human beings? (indistinct whispering) I don't recall.
You can't drill underneath people's homes without their permission.
As chairwoman of this Committee on Energy, Natural Resources and Blimp Safety, your fracking operation is hereby shut down.
(groans) I demand to see that capitalism-castrating suffragette this instant! You haven't bested me.
I will find a way to shatter that shale.
What makes men like you think you can do whatever you want to our planet? Maybe the planet wants a strong man to take her by the hand and lead her.
You don't know what the planet wants.
Oh, and I suppose you do? The planet wants to be protected and nourished and maybe even Kissed.
(both moan) Mwah! Wait a minute, I'm not having a stroke, am I? No.
Am I? I don't think so.
Oh, good.
(both gasp) You! Me? (shudders) This was all a mistake-- an impulsive Reckless knee-buckling spat-snapping Spanx-shredding mistake.
(sighs): Oh, it was great.
(chuckles): Best I've ever had.
And that includes Nellie Taft.
So, Monty, shall we find a way to continue this purely passionate affair? But you're a softhearted liberal! And you're a hard-hearted capitalist.
Enemies by day, lovers by night.
Mmm mwah! Now, get out of my office.
As soon as I collect my things.
Uh, derringer, sword cane, derringer cane, sword derringer.
All right, it's all here.
If I want to resume fracking, I have to buy the mineral rights for every single parcel of land in Evergreen Terrace.
To win people over, I'll need a salesman whose folksy facade masks a deep gusher of greed.
Hmm? (chuckles) Congratulations, Simpson! You're now my chief energy innovation marketing officer.
Whoo-hoo! All you've got to do is sell fracking to your friends and neighbors.
Whoo-hoo? I don't know, "fracking" is one of those scary Lisa words.
Bah! Fracking produces enough clean natural gas to make America independent of sheiks, caliphs and Scandinavians.
Not to mention, it doesn't create any of that awful worker-mutating nuclear waste.
Homer, game starts in an hour.
Don't forget to set your fantasy lineup.
Thanks, Charlie.
Maybe fracking isn't so bad.
Then say yes to this raise, this promotion and this flannel shirt, which says: "I'm not screwing you over.
" I'm not screwing you over.
No, uh, I'm not screwing you over.
I'm not screwing you over.
(crying): I'm so proud of you, Papa.
Some folks will tell you that fracking's no good, but what they don't tell you is, hydraulic fracturing creates jobs.
And all those new workers are gonna want to spend their earnings buying what you're selling-- beer.
Authentic Italian food.
Useless left-handed crap.
Magical nonsense.
Expensive toys for grown-ups they don't open or play with.
Pornography and nachos.
High-quality Spanish-language programming.
High-quality methamphetamines.
Laundry, homework, pranks, poop, poop and poop.
But our water was on fire.
How could you sell fracking for Mr.
Burns? 'Cause I've never gotten a promotion before.
Once I thought I had, but it turned out to be a beautifully-worded firing, so judge me all you want.
I am judging you.
Good.
Judge away.
Judge, judge, judge, judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge, judge, judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Pumping frack cash.
It's a gas cash blast? Residents of Evergreen Terrace are undecided whether to sell their mineral rights to Mr.
Burns.
Mr.
Burns is a vampire sucking the lifeblood of this town and lining his coffin with cash.
Oh, Maxine, no one insults me in a sound bite the way you do.
Oh, Monty, you're such a sexy little Nosferatu.
Same time tomorrow night? (chuckles) I'll bring the oxygen.
(quietly): Better bring two tanks.
Hmm? FRINK: And so, we see a clear correlation between industrial hydro compounds and water table contamination well outside the margin of error.
Mr.
Simpson, rebuttal? (clears throat) Everyone who signs over their mineral rights to Mr.
Burns gets $5,000.
Money is like a job you don't even have to do! (dance music playing) Ay, dinero.
Signing Stu.
(laughter) I think my arguments were more cogent-- Bo-hyvik.
What?! Cogent-- Bo-hyvik! Mr.
Burns, we did it! Everyone in the neighborhood sold us their gas rights! Hmm.
Excellent.
No, no.
It's excellent.
It's excellent.
Uh, maybe you can help me, Simpson.
You've had a relationship or two in your life.
(laughing): Well one.
I have embarked on a "beneficial friendship" with a woman with whom I have nothing in common.
Her opinions are abhorrent to me, but the passion.
Well, look at these racy texts she sends me.
(rhythmic clicking) Oh, baby.
How long can I sustain this high-wire act of loathing and lust? Well, I'm no Carl when it comes to this stuff, but I ain't no Lenny, neither.
And I would say no matter how much you try to keep things casual, someone always gets hurt.
Hmm.
Well, then I must harden my heart against such an outcome.
I appreciate the counsel, Simpson.
Now, please trap-door yourself out.
Glad I could be of help! (indistinct chatter) Do you have the signed gas leases? BURNS: Hold on.
This feels light.
Ah.
One of these deeds is missing a signature.
The gas rights transfer form for 742 Evergreen Terrace was never signed by Marge Simpson.
(gasps) Marge, why didn't you sign? Our water was on fire! I'm sorry, but the law states that unless every single resident sells their rights, Burns can't frack drop one! ALL: Oh! Oh, I was counting on that money to pay for my other calf implant.
Yuck.
I already felt the pride of energy independence.
(loud, overlapping crowd chatter) Marge Simpson, I'm as mad at you as you usually are at me! (gasps) Hmm! (indistinct chatter) (wind whistling) Cheer up, Monty.
All you lost was money, but what you get is me.
(cracking) All I lost was money? (laughs) Let me make one thing perfectly clear.
Our dalliance meant nothing to me! You were but a sprig of parsley garnishing my beefsteak.
Now I cast you aside for the busboys to gnaw upon.
Considered this ill-conceived affair terminated! (gasps) (chuckling) I played this just perfectly.
Oh, yeah, great.
Great, Marge, great work.
Thanks to you, Springfield will never be a natural gas boomtown, and like all boomtowns, it would have lasted forever.
Oh! Our water was on fire! Oh! Was on fire.
Was! I finally got a job I was good at, and now I have to give it up! So, you've come begging not to be fired? Smithers, turn my back on this man! Maximum huff! Wait, Mr.
Burns.
I'm here to man up.
It was all my wife's fault! (sighs heavily) Sometimes I think she and I have nothing in common! Nothing in common, eh? Tell me more.
Marge likes sushi.
I like gum that squirts in your mouth.
She's into romantic comedies.
I like movies where there's only one day a year when murder is legal.
Yup, Marge and I see the world in totally different ways.
Hmm.
Different, exactly.
That's why I had to give my woman the old heave-ho.
So, you don't miss that politics lady at all? Not for one Chinese second.
And I'm sure she's forgotten all about me.
(both gasp) Killdozers.
Whatever are you doing, man?! We're tearing down this place and putting up a recycling center, slash Native American history museum, slash condor sanctuary.
(screeching) Hmm.
A project this bloated and ill thought out could only be the work of an angry liberal.
(gasps) Maxine! My ex is using the thing I hate most against me-- big government.
(grunts) (camera shutter clicking) Stop this ribbon cutting! This is private property! What's the matter, Mr.
Burns? Never heard of eminent domain? You're just doing this to get back at me for dumping you! That is ridiculous.
(gasps) The Antonin Scalia bedroom! It's a National Public Radio broadcast center now.
Who are you? I'm Robert Siegel, and this is All Things Considered.
(theme music playing) Stop laying about, you! There's work to be done! (weakly): Or Gravy Thursday.
If that woman thinks she's been scorned now, she ain't seen nothing yet! (clacking) It's fracking time.
(squeaking) (whooshing) (rumbling) (groaning) (Bart groaning) (grunts) (groans) Is one of the side effects of fracking earthquakes? (voice shaking): Yes! (rumbling continues) What are you doing? You're destroying this neighborhood.
Just like you destroyed my mansion.
I don't know what I ever saw in you, you planet-ruining monster! Likewise, you planet-saving succubus! (metallic rattling) Homer, turn off that horrible machine! You don't know anything about hydraulic fracturing! You've just been brainwashed by liberal TV shows who use fracking as an easy bad guy, but it can save this country! Our water was on fire! Wait.
I finally get what you're saying.
Fracking is great, but the only place it should ever happen is in other people's towns! Hmm.
(grunting) (whooshing) (grunting nervously) You always do the right thing sort of.
What is he doing? He was furious at that woman, now he's embracing her.
He told me himself they had nothing in common.
Nothing except passion.
Mm.
(cracking) (hearts beating) I was a fool to break up with you, Maxine.
I'm sorry I turned your home into a liberal paradise.
You think we could make us work? I don't know.
We're pretty different.
But we've got passion, and as long as we've got that, our lives will never get boring.
Mmm.
Well, there's free jazz on Saturdays at the art museum.
Now they say omega-3 pills are bad for you.
My sister's dog had puppies.
What kind? What kind of what? What kind of dog does your sister have? I don't know.
What color drawer pulls did you want? Nickel or brush nickel? Oh, I wish we'd bought the more expensive theater tickets.
I'll never see anything in row BB.
There's a sale on lawn furniture at the Lawns Plus.
Why are all cars black or gray now? It's like if you see a red one, it's a big deal.
I'm thinking about wearing a watch again.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Simpsorama
The Simpsons s26e06 Episode Script
Simpsorama
(Futurama theme plays) Two two, three Ooh.
Wiggle in.
Get comfortable.
(Marge yells) Hey, a couch is a couch.
(grunts) Ooh, yeah.
(sexy lounge music playing) (chuckling) (moaning) Yes, there, you see? Oh, yeah! (giggles) (laughing) Oh-ho-ho-ho! That's so HOMER: Whoo-hoo! SKINNER: Uh, students, each one of you has been assigned the mandatory honor of contributing to the Springfield time capsule, where your arcana will lie dormant until the 31st century.
And (grunts) By the time you finish talking, we're gonna be opening this damn capsule.
Right.
Time capsule.
Nelson, give me something.
I brought a picture of my dad.
He's still at large (voice breaks): in my heart! I brought my lucky rabbit's foot.
I can have good luck without it.
(gasps) Ow! Wish we could put this moment in the time capsule.
Consider it done.
Uh, how about you, Bart? Let me guess-- you forgot to bring something.
I'm offended you think I forgot.
Let's see.
Ta-da! Listen, boy, this is the only legacy you'll ever leave.
Better make this count.
(blows nose) (gasps) My sandwich! (devious chuckle) And so a thousand years from now this capsule will be opened by some future Mayor Quimby.
(crowd cheers) That-that could be anyone's ooze.
(truck backup alarm beeping) (grunts) There.
And now, to help secure the jazz vote, Lisa Simpson will play her saxophone.
(thunder crashes) Even God hates jazz.
(thunder rumbling) KENT BROCKMAN: A mysterious electrical storm is currently wreaking havoc with our studio.
(chuckles): But I'm not one of those brainless dolts who mindlessly reads a teleprompter-er error 401 backslash backslash colon reset C-drive shutting down.
(electrical zapping) (male screaming) (crash) (grunts) What the hell was that? Probably just another piece of America's space junk falling out of orbit.
Remember when this country didn't suck? 'Cause I don't.
(thunder crashing) (loud glugging in distance) (loud belch) (glass shatters) (gasps) Homer, I think there's someone downstairs.
Relax, Marge.
It's probably just Homer coming home late from Moe's.
Hmm.
Ooh, the eyes in that picture are following me! Uh, that's a mirror.
Isn't all great art kind of a mirror? (door creaks) (deep belching nearby) We'd better send the dog down.
Come on, here's your chance to protect us, boy.
(whining) Come on.
C (growls) Aah! Stupid dog.
(growling) Ow! (clattering in distance) MALE VOICE: Ow.
We'll have to set a trap, Bait-- I mean, Bart.
HOMER: All set.
When he starts gnawing at you, I'll whack him with this broom.
(gasps) Hmm.
Ooh! (chuckles) Don't drink my loved ones! Oh! Bite my shiny metal ass! A robot! With a catchphrase! Hey, Homer, you gonna kiss him or kill him? (grunts) (yells) All right! Tether-boy! (grunting) (grunting) (yelling) (Bender chuckles) Okay, so, what are you? Must be a secret government project.
Whoa, what do I look like, a narc? My name is Bender, and I come from the future! Prove it.
What happens to Homer Simpson in the future? I don't know.
You die? Oh my God.
He's telling the truth.
I have to take you to our civic leaders.
(deep belch) Hey, hibachi head, how are you gonna pay for that? Uh, let me just transfer some, uh, electronic hyper- credits into your register here.
Ding-da-ding- ding-ding-ding- ding-ding! Ooh, and, uh, another round for my friends! Ding-da-ding-ding- da-ding-ding.
(others cheer) (chuckles): Hey, this blade rummy is all right.
He's a big spender, plus he fixed the jukebox.
(quietly): I think they had a thing going.
Oh, baby, what you done to me (needle scratches record) I hate it when they get quiet.
Listen, uh, I know you're a robot and incapable of emotion (sobbing): It's true.
I'm empty inside! (sobbing loudly) Uh, look, I just want to ask, can we be friends? You're the only guy I know with less hair than me.
Sure.
That's why I came to your time-- for all you know.
OTHERS: For all we know! (chuckling) D'oh! (mechanical whirring) A, uh, strike! A totally legitimate strike! Yeah! (chuckles) Hey, uh, what's the robot version of bro-Mance? Ro-Mance.
You future guys have a word for everything pal.
(both snoring) You know, they look a little similar.
Yeah.
Like the guy who designed Bender just took a drawing of Dad and stuck an antenna on it.
LISA: A little lazy, if you ask me.
Regardless, I see no reason to believe that Bender is from the future.
Robotic technology today is very advanced.
Oh, really? Can your modern-day robots do this? ("The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing) It's not my birthday-- although Maggie's is pretty soon.
I can't do "Maggie.
" The Gs look like sixes.
This is the robot who claims to be from the future.
Can your present-day robots do this? (babbling) Uh, no, no, they cannot.
Not sure why they'd want to-- gorbid.
Now, why are you here? What is your mission, uh, so to speak? I don't remember.
Man, this guy doesn't ask permission-- he just goes right in you.
Eh aha! Bender's mission protocol is definitely intact.
It just requires a delicate procedure known as "unplug and re-plug.
" (chuckles, mumbles) Because that fixes everything.
(whirring) I remember why I'm here! To kill Homer Simpson! (gasps) (singsongy): My ears are burning.
(singsongy): Not yet, but they will be.
(yelps) A boxing glove! But we bowled together.
Aw, I can't do it.
What stopped you, Bender, Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics? You think robots care what some hack science fiction writer thinks? I killed Isaac Asimov on the way over here.
Well, Isaac somebody.
What the? My ass is about to project something.
(loud whisper): You don't have to announce it.
Just do it quietly and blame the dog.
Bender, we've just regained contact.
Have you killed Homer Simpson? Uh, yep.
Killed him good.
If Homer's dead, why are the creatures he begat still here and multiplying out of control? (all chattering angrily) What the? You lied to me, Bender! Homer Simpson's still alive! Come on, Bender, stabbity-stabbity.
Wait! Stop! Why must you kill my dad? Especially when cheeseburgers are doing the work for you.
Homer Simpson must be eliminated immediately.
The creatures destroying New New York have his DNA.
The monsters are stealing our office supplies! That's inexcusable! Gah! Um Hello, robot.
Looks like everyone gets a turn to say something.
This concludes my turn.
We sent Bender back in time to kill Homer before the monsters could evolve from him.
Apparently, this was too heartless a task for a robot.
Leela, can you handle it? In a New New York minute minute.
(explosion) (grunts) Ow! (chuckles) Ow! Right in my language center! (jittery gibberish) Professor, y-you're a fellow man of science.
Maybe if we teamed up, we could, uh, figure something out.
Okay.
Eh, but remember, to me you're incredibly stupid.
Oh, and the annoying girl may be helpful.
Meanwhile, Leela, take Homer and explore this time period.
Find out why people would ever pay for "freemium games.
" I'll explain.
Okay, it starts free, right? Then you visit your friend's game, and he's got this awesome candy mansion Get a load of those freaks! And you're like, "99 cents?! You bet I'd like one!" And that's why I owe Clash of Candies $20,000.
Here we are.
Marge, I'd like you to meet Leela and Fry.
MARGE: Oh, don't mention her eye.
Don't mention her eye.
LEELA: Don't mention her hair.
Don't mention her hair.
I am so pleased to meet you.
Nice to be hair.
(laughs) (soft grumble) Oh, Lord.
(professors mumbling) Professor Farnsworth, I'm dying to know how you got here.
Was it a time machine? Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities.
We teleported through a singularity that I quantum entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.
Yes, but how did Bender get here? With a time machine.
But you just said that (bell dings) Sample's ready! (snores) Kill all humans.
(snores) Kill all humans.
(snores) Start with Flanders.
(snores) Start with Flanders.
Good news, everyone! That means it's bad.
The human DNA in the creatures was only half Homer's.
The other half came from someone else.
Oh, so we can kill that person instead.
Maybe they're evil and deserve it.
Or have one of those annoying voices that gets on everybody's nerves, with the adding extra noises for no reason.
Myveen.
Bloingy.
And the other person is HOMER: Oh, who's that? It's me.
(gasps) Wait a minute.
We don't have to kill you.
Oh, well, that's better.
We just have to kill all your children.
(exclaims) Or just one of them.
If you can figure out which one sired the killer rabbits.
(whistling) (rattling) We interrupt this hologram to bring you an important bulletin.
The horrific creatures destroying New New York have begun metamorphosing.
(laughs) (muffled screaming) (grunting) (all growling) (man gasping) Eat my shorts! Ay, caramba! Ay, caramba! (laughs) What a surprise.
It's Bart.
BART: Wow, I'm doing the same jokes a thousand years later.
Ay, caramba! But how did a mere boy destroy the future? Well BART: Let this be a lesson.
Never throw meaningless crap in a time capsule.
That's it! All we have to do is dig up the time capsule.
And bury Bart in the hole.
I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love.
Like in Epcot Center.
In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.
Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave labor camps at Universal Studios.
(grumbles) (tires screeching) HOMER: We're here.
(chuckles) My bowling buddy.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Hey! You can't dig that up for a thousand years.
Plus, I wrote my name there.
See? (rattling) Shmayday! Shmayday! (gasps) They got Scruffy! Nope.
They just got my mustache.
But a life without a mustache ain't worth livin'.
FARNSWORTH: No! That generator powers the portal.
If they destroy it, we'll be (exclaims) (grunts) sucked back into the future.
Okay, head count.
One, two, three (gasps) Where's Maggie? Well, little meatbag, it looks like it's just you and me.
Stuck in a terrible past where I know the result of every horse race ever! To the track! I want that.
Well, you can't have it.
Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little Dad, it's me.
Prove it.
When's your birthday? February 23rd.
Ha! February has no 23rd.
You (grunts) (grunting) Yes, it does.
Can you please just get us out of this lousy future? Actually, of all probable futures, this is the worst.
It is, 'cause my baby's not in it.
Motherly love.
Why did we outlaw that? Madam, our mechanical friend Bender is your portal home.
But we can't use him until the generator is repaired.
Homer works at a nuclear plant.
He can help us get home.
Oh, are you good at your job? I was voted employee of the month as an April Fools' Day joke.
Why, you little Why, you little Great.
You and Fry can bumble around together while the rest of us give up and make peace with our various deities.
As for me, I'm an atheist.
Oh, nobody's father, who art nowhere, I know you can't hear me, completely ignore this prayer.
Nothing art thou and nothing will thou ever be.
Jesus was just a man.
ALL: Amen.
Well, I shall stay here for the decadence.
There's no debauchery like end-of-the-world debauchery.
Your lips, my lips, apocalypse, ooh! I can't believe you're all giving up without a fight.
Lisa, we're just a package delivery service.
And not a very good one.
The only way to handle the creatures is to do what we do to each year's Super Bowl losers: shoot them into space.
But we'd have to round them up first.
Let me take care of that.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's manipulate Bart.
You're nuts.
I've got a will of iron.
(deep humming) (mumbles) Okay, let's get going.
(drooling) Dad, we have beer in our time.
Hey, I haven't had a drink in a thousand years.
(horse neighs) (gasps) There's a horse called Bender's Bounty.
But my memory says he died during the race.
That can't be true.
ANNOUNCER: And way, way, way back is Bender's Bounty.
Damn it! Oh, chief, it looks like a robot killing horses over there.
Oh, a 608 Lou, can't you just let me enjoy my day off? W-Why are you dressed in your uniform, then? 'Cause they're the only clothes that fit me.
You happy? Happy? LISA: Attention, goblins.
Madison Cube Garden is filled with Butterfinger bars.
And people are laying fingers all over them.
(cackling, grunting) They're evolving.
Wow.
That's a first for you, Bart.
Will you shut up? (gentle melody plays) (grunting) Uh, did I remind you to strap yourselves in? (all cheering) You realize you're cheering the death of millions of my children.
(all cheering) Wow, it's working.
I guess the instructions were in English.
What the Whoa! Hey, here's a souvenir photo of you guys coming out of my chest.
Aw, I will treasure this forever.
Lie detected.
Oh, my sweet baby.
Oh, feels like you have a full diaper.
Ooh, um, I'll change her.
(whispers): Here's your cut.
Nice knowing you, meatbags.
Have fun turning to dust.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're the portal.
How are you gonna get to the future? The old-fashioned way.
Good night, friend.
You'll always have a special place here with us.
(grunting) Thanks, pal.
Look at this mess.
It would have disintegrated upon entry if someone hadn't turned off the atmosphere last night.
I like it cold when I'm sleeping.
Besides, these horrible Earth creatures are delicious.
The Johnsons will be here for dinner any minute.
What happened to the handsome man I married? I ate him, remember? Here they are.
Uh, hmm Hope we're not interrupting anything.
(burps) I can't take any more.
(sobbing) I-I can't take it.
Well, perhaps the one of you that is female should go console her.
(Futurama theme plays) Two two, three HOMER: Simpsons in the future Space jokes flying through sound What are those tubes? I wonder what Ice cream's like now Maybe it's hot Or some new temperature they invented.
That's it, we're done.
(The Simpsons theme plays) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Blazed And Confused
The Simpsons s26e07 Episode Script
Blazed And Confused
KODOS: You and your stupid makeup.
We missed Halloween! D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Ooh! (yawns) CHALMERS: Ah, ah, ah.
I'd like to welcome all of the principals from the Springfield School District, including Skin-ner! Wein-berg! Sack-ett! And Gwendolyn Hertz-feld-Mastroantonio! We are here for the annual Dance of the Lemons, where each of you gets to trade your worst teacher to another school.
The union's happy, the parents are placated, and only the children suffer.
(over video, whispering): Chalmskinn.
Behold your lemons! Sociopathic child haters who are only teachers because they got tenure after two short years.
That's mean! You know what you are.
(Taser buzzing) Uh, first lemon: from Springfield Elementary, going to West Springfield, third grade teacher, Sticky-Fingers Stella.
Now, going to Springfield Elementary God have mercy.
Seymour, your new teacher is Everybody pray! This is a public school.
I said pray! Mr.
Lassen is here.
No smoking.
So, Mr.
Lassen, you began your career at Shelbyville Prep.
It seems that certain wealthy parents didn't like seeing their precious darlings duct-taped to the wall.
Mm-hmm.
And then you entered the public system.
That's where I got this scar.
What scar? Oh, I see you're left-handed.
So, that concludes my evaluation.
Enjoy fourth grade.
So, any dirt on the new teacher? Is he stingy with the pumpkin stickers? Does he have OCD? OCD? OCD? I don't know.
But in ten minutes, I'm gonna have him kneeling before Zod.
In this example, I'm Zod.
(thumping) When he opens the door That's kind of scary, but it doesn't make me pee my pants.
Hello.
(screams) I'm Mr.
Lassen.
You mean Mr.
Less-than? (students giggle) So, a comedian, are you? I got a pretty solid ten minutes.
Well, I could do five minutes on your pathetic vest and five minutes on your ugly buck teeth.
And I've got a whole HBO special's worth on your fat mama! My mom can't afford to be fat-- she's an exotic dancer.
(chuckling): Oh! And in what exotic location does she dance? A Touch of Class.
But the "C-L" fell off.
Son, there was never a "C-L.
" I-I think I always knew that! (sobbing) Bart, this guy served two tours in middle school.
Abort prank! I will not.
Anything to delay a spelling test.
(thumping) Looks like I've got a prankster on my hands.
(chuckles) You know, son, school code says a student's hair should be of uniform length.
What are you gonna do to him? Quiet Smellson.
Smellson? I prayed no one would ever think of that! (razor buzzing) BART: Ay, caramba.
How was your first day at school, Bart? Terrible.
You want to talk about it? No.
Oh, thank you.
Why are you wearing your hat at dinner? This new teacher I got gave me a haircut.
MARGE: Hmm? A haircut? Let me see.
No.
Come on.
Please? No, you'll laugh at me.
I won't laugh at you.
Let's see.
(laughing) Look at me.
I'm Bart.
We're sorry.
(laughing) (laughing) Stop that, all of you.
It's not Bart's fault that his haircut looks so stupid.
(Homer giggles) I didn't know that a teacher could cut kids' hair.
Teachers' union won the right in their last strike.
I'm going to go to that school and talk to that teacher.
Marge, please don't say anything.
It never makes a difference, and then the teachers give us stink-eye during the school fairs.
Well, if he's gonna get a haircut, Bart should at least have gotten a balloon with it.
(groans) (grumbles) Well, anyway, Bart, you'll cheer up on our camping trip this weekend.
What camping trip? The one you booked for us at Owl Haven.
The one you have to reserve a year in advance.
Oh, uh, you told me not to do it a year ago.
Remember? I don't remember that.
You're right.
No one can be expected to remember something from a year ago.
Certainly not me.
Pass the gravy.
(gasps) Don't tell me you didn't reserve a campsite.
Labor Day is next weekend.
There'll be nothing left.
Hey, there's always room at Buzzard's Roost.
Excuse me, but Buzzard's Roost is a converted parking lot.
Excuse me, but grass is poking through.
Why do I ever put you in charge LISA: Parking lot! of the littlest thing? HOMER: Poking through! (crying) LISA: Parking lot! HOMER: Poking through! My biggest sin is that I dare to hope.
(crying) Oh, Marge, I can't stand it when you cry at dinner.
The pork chops look traumatized.
The mashed potatoes can't stand to watch.
Even the children seem upset.
So trust me, I will come through for you, baby.
Not you.
So what do you say, Marge? I want so much to believe you.
And I want you to believe me, too.
Isn't it great how much we agree? Looks like our blackboard has been defaced.
Lucky for you, I can take a joke.
(grunting) LISA: Hello? Hello? Is everything okay? MILHOUSE: Here's Millie! Excuse me, you ruined my report.
Fine.
You got an "A.
" LISA: Oh! Yippee! Fourth-grade "A"! You might fool some people, El Barto, but not me.
(electrical buzzing) Now we're gonna learn about electricity.
Hey, live wire.
Come up here.
Touch the generator.
Even I think this is too far.
Quiet, Smellson.
It's sticking.
(grunting) I just need to get to 60%.
Milhouse, I'm gonna get back at Lassen.
Now, The Hobbit taught us that every dragon has a chink in its armor.
It also taught us that New Zealand's beautiful landscapes and attractive tax credits add up to a filmmaker's paradise.
For more information, To find out Lassen's weakness, I hid a camera in the teachers' lounge.
(grunting) Ach! Wrong order! You seem lonely and kind of weird.
You left out "single.
" Mind if I heat up some goulash? Let's continue this online.
I've created a fake Ms.
Hoover profile.
When Lassen friends her, we'll know everything about him.
I don't know, Bart.
You're lying about your identity? That's against the terms and conditions.
We've all read the terms and conditions, Milhouse.
Look, I really need a campsite.
My wife is making sandwiches.
Sorry, reservations are a year in advance.
What about Mosquito Cove? Booked.
Skunk Canyon? Booked every year since 2003.
Ooh, how about the campsite where the guy in the hockey mask kills all the campers? Sir, that's a movie.
HOMER: Hello? Hello? This is Homer Simpson.
742 Evergreen Terrace.
Looking for a place for my kids and me.
And my pretty, pretty wife.
You know, alarm code 3679.
3679! So I hear you're getting back at Lassen.
Maybe I am.
So? You got to do it, man.
He preys on the weak.
Now, give me your lunch money.
I'll take that.
(whimpers) (cat screeches) Here's Lassen's profile.
MILHOUSE: What the? BART: Tagged as Lassen? (groans) It says these were taken at Blazing Guy.
What's Blazing Guy? Oh, that's convenient.
Helloha.
Do you want to make your home in a self-sustaining city that only exists a few days a year? One that combines nudity, dust storms, children and all-consuming fires? Then you, my bro or brah, are dreaming of Blazing Guy.
On the last day, the chosen one, or Ignis, sets fire to the giant wooden Guy in a ritual dating back to 1986.
The Blazing Guy Council of Elders, in conjunction with Duraflame, is very pleased to announce that this year's Ignis is Jack Lassen.
(both gasp) So if we go there with a camera to film Lassen humiliating himself, I'll get revenge for him making me into this.
(chuckles) I was trying to even it out.
You're starting to look like your dad.
No.
I'm lucky.
I look just like my mom.
(Marge and Lisa grunting) Gosh, that was a hard sleeping bag to roll up.
Those were your father's sweatpants.
(sighs) Marge, I have a confession to make about this trip.
(quietly): Dad, don't worry.
I got you a place.
Hmm? Once again, I've been saved from any consequences.
It'll keep happening till one day I create a mess so enormous it can't be cleaned up.
Thanks, boy.
A-camping we will go But where? I still don't know A place that's filled with sun and sand A desert steampunk Disneyland Keep expectations low Swing low, sweet chariot Hmm.
(Homer laughing) HOMER: Homer Simpson, I love you.
Oh.
(gasps) A world of anarchic free expression.
Cars shaped like cupcakes! I'm home.
I'm home.
(gasps) No, no, no, don't blow me out, wise guy.
Not in the mood.
(groans) I'm not sure this campground is family-friendly.
All camping is pointless.
You drive hundreds of miles to shower and sleep in a place with no bathroom or beds.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: Where's Maggie? (groans, screams) We brought Cheerios for you.
Now, you know the wind does kick up here.
Hope you went three feet down with your tent stakes.
Uh, listen here, Desert Arnaz.
Homer Simpson knows how to pitch a tent.
Hey man, can I bum a tent? (groans) You seem stressed.
Have some calming tea.
Finally.
A normal person.
Ah.
Thank you, Miss, um Calypso Self-Knowledge.
Is that tea adulterated? Does that look like something I'd do? HOMER: Hey, Marge.
We got a new tent from a guy who just O.
D.
'd.
Aw, let me get a picture of that.
(alarm whooping) (cell phone chimes) BOTH: Aw.
I think Smitty's still inside.
Oh, too bad he's missing this.
So many musical choices.
A brass band.
Barbershop quintet? The human kazoo.
Oh, a drum circle.
(rhythmic drumming) (peppy tooting) Uh can I help you, freak? No.
(plays a sad tune) BART: There he is.
(gasps) His nipples are asymmetrical.
This could ruin him.
Milhouse, everyone here is a total freak.
We have to find a way to completely humiliate Lassen.
Get a picture of a restaurant check with no tip, put it online, say it was him.
Kaboom, he's finished.
Mmm.
Oh.
Suddenly this place doesn't seem so bad.
This place is great.
Just have to avoid these inseam-high cactuses.
Hup, hup.
D'oh! Oh.
Are you Mr.
Clean? (scoffs) Compared to the rest of these people, yeah.
So give the Tooth Fairy my forwarding address, 'cause it's pretty loose.
About time.
It's the only phone.
You don't count.
Maybe we should just give up on Lassen.
No.
This Ignis thing is the biggest deal of his life.
And I'm gonna wreck it.
Because he scarred me forever.
Hey, it grew back.
A little better, even.
So full and lush.
Enough.
Mmm.
It's like someone ironed out all the wrinkles in my brain.
(gasps) (upbeat tune plays) (wind whistling) Get in the tent.
D'oh! Oh, you always save me, trombone elephant.
(imitates elephant) Hmm.
BART: Fire retardant? If Lassen can't light that thing, he'll be humiliated.
What good is an Ignis who can't blaze the guy? I'm scared, Bart.
And I am never scared.
(gasps) Hideous.
(loud beeping) These kids are gonna ruin the ceremony.
It's too bad I'm just an illusion.
Homie, you promised me an incredible camping trip, and I got one.
Just like I planned.
You got very lucky this time.
Don't push it.
I understand.
I already signed up for this place next year.
I gave my form and $200 cash to that dude.
D'oh! (drums, saxophone, kazoo playing) Ignis, approach the Burning Man.
I mean Blazing Guy.
(crowd groaning) Get the job done.
You're not helping.
(crowd boos, hisses) Strip him of his nudity.
(laughing) You.
(both gasp) Maybe we won't have Blazing Guy, but we can still have blazing boy.
What, uh (tooting) (screaming) Help me, desert weirdos.
(both gasp) I'll take those.
Beware the butterfly's sting.
What the? (creaks) Form a human prison and hold him for five days.
No.
(grunts) Wait, how many days? (laughing) Hey, listen, we should probably get home.
My dad forgot to bring water.
(smacks tongue) Whoa.
When will this tea get out of my system? (upbeat tune plays) Haw-haw! What the? According to this file from Blazing Guy Secret Security, your behavior was so egregious we can do something that we've never done before: fire a teacher.
Hand in your red pen.
Oh.
Not gonna pass fingernail inspection tonight.
So where do you go from here? A place where my talents will be appreciated.
All right, lights out.
You, too, freak.
(groans) You hate him, too? With every fiber of what's left of my wretched soul.
We should team up.
I can get you out of here.
A partner? Intriguing.
Who gets to gut him like a little pot-bellied salmon? I assumed we'd take turns.
No deal.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Covercraft
The Simpsons s26e08 Episode Script
Covercraft
(tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (snoring) (groans) (humming) (humming) Well, if ain't my next-door neighbor, King Toot.
Moe.
How many times I got to tell you not to throw your trash in my Dumpster? Oh, come on, Szyslak.
I got to make space in the store for my new side business-- a tanning salon that secretly has cameras in the beds, which feeds into my Web site, That is registered.
Yeah, sounds great.
Maybe then you could afford to rent your own Dumpster.
I like my current deal.
Free.
Of.
Charge.
(grunting) I'll eat your hair! You call that a testicle kick? (tires screech) All right, you two, break it up.
Drive on, asphalt cowboy, or I'll squeeze his brain out like an edamame.
Eh, uh, a what? Those beans you eat before your sushi comes.
Oh, salt peas.
I call them salt peas.
Look, Officer, after 20 years of being neighbors, tempers sometimes flare up.
Moe's a good guy.
No, no, no, it's my fault.
I'm a hothead.
I ain't got no beef with you, Toot.
(whispering): You better stay out of my Dumpster.
I've also been stealing the catalogs out of your mailbox.
(punching, instruments clattering) (grunting) (screaming) It's my Dumpster! (screaming continues) (both growling) And that's the terrifying tale of how the Quebec Nordiques became the Colorado Avalanche.
Oh, no! King Toot's is closed! Dad, you're going to have to take me to the big box music store.
Look at all these monstrosities.
HOMER: Lisa, how many times have I told you to bow down to our corporate overlords? (Lisa groans) (doorbell dings) Hmm.
Hmm.
HOMER: It's like some kind of guitar central.
Hmm.
(groans) Hmm.
Hmm.
Midlife crisis at 12 o'clock.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, let me guess, dude.
You're an axman; you're looking to score a new blade.
Stig.
(chuckles) You've got a name that's not a name.
So what's your poison, bro? Les Paul? Straight up Gibson? No, no, no, classic Strat, am I right? Oh, I don't have what it takes to play guitar.
I mean, I'm no Joe Walsh in the brains department.
(chuckles) Who is? Look, you don't have the weak, womanly fingers of a guitar princess.
You, my friend, have the muscular stumps of a bass man.
Try this on.
(note plays loudly) What the rock? (chuckles) Now that was a lick.
I did a lick? Keep them coming.
(notes repeating) Yes, now bob your head.
Bob it, bob it, bob it.
Dude, usually it takes years to learn such neck confidence.
Now check this out.
Oh, my God.
I'm amazing.
Dude, you're already one of the greatest bass players of all time.
Okay.
Now Oh, how are you set for stage lights? I'm not set at all.
Ooh, what about gels? This is embarrassing to admit, Stig, but I haven't even thought about gels.
(Marge humming) (bass playing loudly) (gasps) (screams) What is that racket?! Music! Beautiful music! What?! Beautiful music, baby.
The bass guitar? This doesn't really seem like you.
Sure it is.
You know I've always loved laying things down.
Grooves are just the latest.
(groans) I feel a powerful connection to the history of famous bass players.
Like what's-his-name from The Who.
Or that guy from Led Zeppelin who wasn't Page, Plant or Bonham.
Those are the only two I know for sure.
It's so cool to have another musician in the family! Oh, yeah, and you know what the great thing is about music? It's so easy.
Uh, well, to truly master an instrument you'll need years of So easy.
(bass playing) (gasping) (siren wailing) (gasps) (groans) (gasps) Oh! Ooh! (groans) MARGE: I can't take it.
All Homer does is play that stupid bass.
Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink, doink, doink.
You're not alone, Marge.
A man gets older, has a career, a few kids, and suddenly there's a hole in his life that can only be filled by jamming.
For my Julius, it was the drums.
Timothy has that awful guitar.
Kirk just loves his keyboards.
I never knew so many women suffered from extramarital jamming.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
What if all the dads jammed together in a dad band?! That way they would play their horrible music in one garage at a time.
Marge, you're a genius! This menu was right-- good things do happen at 'Zerz.
'Zerz! (cymbals clattering) I don't know, guys.
I'm not sure I'm feeling this.
The bass is kind of known for being a solo instrument.
What were our wives thinking? We probably don't even like the same tunes.
On the count of three, everyone say their favorite kind of music.
One, two, three ALL: Hard-driving rock! (gasping) Dads, let's jam! (rock song playing) Garage bands rule! (gasps) I almost forgot the most important thing.
(rock song playing) (song ends) Great practice, guys.
What do you say we give it another six hours, then call it a day? APU: Excuse me, but my wife told me about your get-out-of-the-house band.
And, uh, perhaps you need a singer? Oh, yeah, Apu, I'm sure you're a great singer.
But the balance of the band is really delicate right now, and we're not really looking for a world music vibe.
No disrespect to world music.
I love world music.
No, no, I will sing the classic power ballad "Hopin' for a Dream" by my favorite band from the 1980s, Sungazer.
(clears throat) Okay, here we go.
When I close my eyes I wish that I could fantasize Pull a dream right out of the air Take a chance, turn it into a prayer.
That sounds nothing like terrible, terrible world music.
Why is your voice different when you sing? It is because of all the years I spent at the Kwik-E-Mart (rock song playing) where classic rock anthems were piped in on a never-ending loop.
The endless repetition drove many clerks to madness.
The only way to maintain my sanity was to sing along until it seemed like our voices were one.
Hopin' for a dream Hopin' Focus like a laser beam I'll keep fighting till I want something great Hopin' for a dream.
(song ends) Guys, are you feeling this? Are you feeling this? I'm feeling it.
I'm definitely feeling it.
I felt something earlier, but I was afraid to bring it up.
I think we all felt something.
We are more than just a garage band desperate to do anything other than hang out with our families.
We are now a cover band.
And we shall be called Covercraft.
Because we play covers and this is our craft.
And it sounds like Hovercraft.
That was not my intent.
Okay, Covercraft, hands in.
Cover ALL: Craft! R-O-K-C.
(carnival music playing) (instruments tuning) Okay, this crowd is about to experience the special magic of the cover band, the thrill of live music without the fear of hearing anything new.
Hmm? (sighs) Apu, what's wrong? What if, what if I am no good? This is the Cabbage Festival, man.
I-I don't know if I can face that crowd! (groans) Buddy, buddy.
Think of it this way: you're not singing in front of all those people, you're alone at the Kwik-E-Mart in the middle of the night.
You just wear this onstage, and everything will be fine.
(gasps) My uniform! All alone at the Kwik-E-Mart.
When I close my eyes I wish that I could fantasize Pull a dream right out of the air Take a chance Turn it into a prayer Girl, you know I want to be the guy With a hunger burning deep inside Tonight I wish upon a falling star To discover what my yearnings are Everyone loves you, Dad.
You could become a famous rock star! Well, son, I do have the talent.
My mind is full of ideas for great songs I could write down the names of and then cover.
But then I remember: I'm just a regular guy, jamming with my buds.
Oh, sweetie.
This band has brought out the best in you.
Yeah, you really get that it's all about the music.
Yep.
It's all about the music.
And it would take a pretty unforeseen development to change that.
Pretty unforeseen Gentlemen, I think we've found what we're looking for.
HOMER: Guys, I really need your honesty here.
At the Squidport Senior Jamboree was I too in the pocket? (Covercraft members gasp) KIRK: Freddy Freeman, Shredder Stevens, Nick Delacourt and Peter D'Abbruzio-- you're four of the five guys from Sungazer! But where's your lead singer, Grant LeDavid? Uh, he passed away.
How? (whispering) What kind of erotic asphyxiation? (whispering) Oh Apu, you're the only man on the entire Internet who's got the pure Sungazer sound.
Will you be our new lead singer and join us on our stadium tour? Uh Oh! Ooh.
I think I can answer for Apu.
He's flattered, but the small-time success of Covercraft is all that any of us have ever wanted.
Uh, actually, I Apu has a rich life here in Springfield: a store full of great products, a lovely him-type wife, and eight super kids: Anoop, Sandeep, Nabendu, Gheet, Pria, Uma, Poonam, Sashi Shut your mouth, I want to do it! I want to do it! I want to be a singer for a real rock band! SHREDDER STEVENS: Sun ALL: gazer! Gotta say, I'm kind of jealous of Apu getting a break like that.
Not me.
I'm nothing but happy that our friend is headed for fame and fortune.
APU: Tonight we play Las Vegas-- and the theme of the casino is circus! Circus! Ha! (whimpers) I want his fame and fortune so much! Why must the Lords of Rock be so cruel?! (laughing) Sammy Hagar? You're not dead.
Damn it! I told you those jalapeÃ±o poppers had too much breading! Sorry, SeÃ±or Hagar.
Nah, nah, nah, it's cool, man.
I went to rock star heaven.
And there was this great back patio with this sweet fire pit.
If you had the right wristband-- which I did.
(laughs) News story in aisle three? Local clerk, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, is a dead ringer for a dead singer.
He's living the rock star dream as front man for '80s chart-toppers Sungazer on their Last Final Hell Re-Freezes Over Ultimate Good-bye For Serious This Time Never Again Part Two of Question Mark Tour.
Apu and the band appeared on Saturday Night Live as the punch line in a game show sketch.
What's a game show? Something you make sketches about.
KENT BROCKMAN: It looks like Apu won't be playing the Cabbage Festival ever again.
Dad, you shouldn't be jealous of Apu.
Remember, it's all about the music.
I'm not jealous.
I'm envious.
Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have.
Envy is wanting what someone else has.
What I feel is envy.
Hmm.
Wow, he's right.
You know what? Apu leaving is the best thing that ever happened to this band.
We're gonna be like Genesis after Peter Gabriel left.
You mean more popular but not as good? Phil Collins-era Genesis is not as good, huh? "No Reply at All," "Land of Confusion," "Throwing it All Away," "Illegal Alien," "I Can't Dance," and I'm sure I don't need to mention "Invisible Touch"! Hmph! (Covercraft plays) (grunts) You know, we really could use a new lead singer.
You know, I've been known to sing a little.
What? So you can also get famous and bail on us? You're out of the band! Well, you can't just kick him out.
Oh, so you're sticking up for Yoko here? Looks like I've got another Yoko on my hands.
How can there be two Yokos? Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! All you Yokos are out of the band! (grumbling) Are you okay? Do I sound okay? You sound great! Your licks are really juicy.
They're not juicy.
My licks are dry.
Dry and scratchy like a cat's tongue.
You didn't join a band to become famous like in Almost Famous.
You loved playing music with your friends.
That was enough to make you happy.
Well, it's not enough anymore.
When something great happens to one person, everyone else's life gets a little worse.
Look it up, it's called physics.
Apu is a good man.
He sent over front row tickets and backstage passes to his show at the Costington Center.
Oh, you mean he generously invited us to come watch him be a rock star? Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Your friend had a wonderful thing happen to him, and you are coming with us to share in his talent.
I'll never have a per Diem.
You don't know what a per Diem is.
Still want one.
Hmph.
Hmph.
Hmph.
Apu wouldn't be able to sing a note if I didn't help him get over his stage fright with his Kwik-E-Mart shirt.
(gasps) Backstage pass, you just became a payback rage pass.
Look at all this rock star dressing room stuff.
What a sellout.
Cheese plate oh, sorry, cubed cheese plate.
Lemon tea, probably for his throat.
Mm-hmm! Let's see how he performs in front of all those people without his magic-people- performing-in-front-of shirt.
(door opens, Homer gasps) But, Mr.
Shredder, you promised me after we played my hometown I could have a day off.
I also promised I'd kick heroin.
Hmm? But the tour is so hard on my family.
My octuplets are being raised by roadies and bodyguards.
This is not proper.
Look, Apu.
For 25 years we wasted money on women, drugs and guitars with live fish inside.
And now we want to keep it going.
You signed a contract for a three-year, at union scale-- no per Diem.
(gasps softly) You're in the band.
Oh, well, I guess it's showtime.
(gasps) Homer? I'm sorry, Apu.
I thought you were living your dream life, so naturally I wanted to ruin it.
But now I know things stink, so I'm okay with it.
Oh, what is the point? I am trapped like a Kwik-E-Mart hot dog on a roller.
Kwik-E-Mart hot dog, eh? You want every hot dog in the store? Every one? Okay - Yeah! - Yeah.
- Oh! -Yeah! FORUM ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Tucks Medicated Pads presents Sungazer! (cheering) Yeah! All right! Uh, people? I am sorry to report that all the original members of the band have been struck down by a mysterious case of hot dog poisoning.
(groaning) Rather than refund your money or reschedule the show, we have a surprise for you.
Get ready to rock with a group that is truly all about the music-- Covercraft! Hopin' for a dream Hopin' Focus like a laser beam I'll keep fighting Till I want something great Hopin' for a dream Hopin' for a dream (audience cheering) Hopin' To someday, somehow have a goal I'll keep fighting till I want something great I'm hopin' for a dream Hopin', hopin', hopin' Hopin' for a dream Hopin' Dreams are great or so it seems If I never find one I guess that's okay I'm hopin' for a dream Hopin', hopin', hopin' Hopin' for a dream, oh So there I am, on Easter Island, and the heads ask me to play them a song.
I say, "Why me, heads? You've heard the music of the universe itself.
" And they say, "Sammy, your stuff rocks just a little harder.
" That's when I wake up.
I'm in the Springfield Elementary parking lot, doing a buck fifty-five in my Ferrari 512 Boxer.
I was cornering so hard, I blacked out from the Gs, man.
They say I ran over the groundskeeper.
Probably get life in prison.
But I got a plan to escape, using only this harmonica and some guitar picks with my face on 'em.
Who's with me on this? (Hagar laughing)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  I Won't Be Home for Christmas
The Simpsons s26e09 Episode Script
I Won't Be Home for Christmas
(bellowing) Yee-haw-ho-ho! (school bell ringing) (bears growling) (whistle blows) (playing "Jingle Bells") (playing bluesy riff) (growls) (snarling) (squawking) (cats yowling) (Cat Lady jabbering) D'oh! (bicycle bell jingling) (grunts) BART: Ay, caramba! (groans) Carrot.
(humming) You are about to see the worst half-hour of television ever.
All righty then.
Okay, R3, let's serve up some soup.
(whistling) May the sauce be with you.
Oh, since when is soup sauce? This is so non-canonical.
You have every right to be furious.
Oh, it's as bad as I remembered, and I haven't watched it since yesterday.
Horrible, yet enthralling.
Hooray! A card from Dr.
Hibbert.
(gasps) Phew.
Oh.
(bird squawks) I'll be right home, honey.
I just got to lock down the reactor for the evening.
Tight as a drum.
See you soon.
Bart, hold the ladder still! (gasps) (grunts) Oh! Wish Homer was here.
Simpson! (gasps) Mr.
Scrooge! Time for your holiday gift.
Ooh! In your name, a donation has been made (groans) to the Salvation Army.
(groans) Also, you will be visited by three spirits tonight.
No, wait.
That's my schedule.
Smithers, We need to cancel the 10:30 spirit.
Yes, sir.
(Marge humming) MARGE: Hello.
HOMER: Heading home, baby.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
(shrieks) (groaning) Maybe a drink will help me with my driving.
Man, those things go off quick.
Yo.
(guitar plays country melody) (metal guitar plays) Ah! VIN SCULLY: and the baseball exclaimed as it flew out of sight, this ballpark is shorter in left field than right.
Martinez swings and misses.
Yes! I'm recording this during a game.
Since the United States government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it.
Few people know that verdict was overturned in the sequel.
(chuckles) I better be heading home to my family.
Enjoy your evening with your wonderful uh neon sign.
Yeah, last year I broke it just so the repairman would come.
But I'll be fine.
Hey, um, you gonna be okay? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Super! (crying) It's just that you know, I lost my ma at Christmas.
(sighs) She took me to a mall, and I never saw her again.
But I'll never forget that image of her bolting for the parking lot.
Okay, okay.
I'll stay for one beer.
Oh, great, great.
But don't do it out of pity.
Pity! Pity! Have pity! Look, I'm wrapped around your leg here! Please! Please! Please! But I promised Marge.
Now I'm sitting on your shoulders! Please! Okay, okay! (Homer groans) (grunts) Mom, where's Dad? I don't know.
Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man! We do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight! (grunts) Silent night Holy night (laughs) I'm happy on Christmas Eve.
And for once it's not 'cause some drunk left a wallet on his stool.
Uh-oh, this is starting to hurt.
(grunts) And now, Homer, it's only fair that I give yous a gift.
I'm gonna set the clock in the bar to the correct time.
HOMER: Hey, what the (gasps) I am so late! Whoa, whoa.
It's the night before Christmas! Stop stirring, you! (grunts) (ticking) One night.
The one night of the year I want Homer home with his family, and he can't even do that.
Christmas is a great time to dump him.
If you do it now, you won't have to watch the Super Bowl.
(tires squealing, car door closing) Homer Simpson! (gasps) I never thought I'd say this to someone I cared for, much less my husband, but I'm saying it now.
I don't want you here on Christmas! Marge, think about what you're saying.
It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday.
Out now! Yeah? Well, good luck assembling all those toys without me! We already did it.
(shrieks) The ghost of Marge Future! HOMER: She'll forgive me.
MARGE: Should I forgive him? HOMER: Especially this time.
MARGE: Maybe not this time.
HOMER: I mean it's Christmas.
MARGE: With his marriage in this much trouble, he's got a lot of thinking to do.
HOMER: I wonder if there's birds on the moon.
(sobbing): I miss Marge.
WIGGUM: I wonder if Lou suspects that I was his Secret Santa.
LOU: What kind of a cheapskate gives you one corncob holder for Christmas? (chuckles) Moe, what are you doing? Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast JAPANESE MALE VOICE: Voice too poor for karaoke.
Shutting down.
Bye now.
Oh, my God.
Santa brought me just what I asked for! (laughs) Hmm.
"239.
" Who's he fooling? Hmm Hmm.
Hmm! Mm-hmm.
Hey, pal.
Can't believe you have to work Christmas Eve.
Well, if you're here for a last minute gift, we have a cell phone holder that fits no cell phone made after 2002.
And, uh, Kwik-E-Nog.
Nog stands for "Not Okayed by Government.
" Maybe Marge would forgive me if I won the lotto.
Give me a scratcher.
D'oh! Give me another one.
(groans) D'oh! Give me another one.
(groans) D'oh! Give me another one.
(groans) D'oh! Give me another one.
(groans) D'oh! Give me another one.
Oh please, stop! Stop it! My religion prohibits me from taking advantage of a fool more than ten times.
This thing basically has no winners.
Yeah, but doesn't the money goes to schools? You have been to our schools.
What do you think? Welcome to Bring Us Your Toilet Paper night.
Don't worry, none goes to Willie.
Don't need it.
I got me Starbucks napkins! You know, ironically, in India, they did use the money for schools and they had fantastic results.
Aw, thanks for your honesty, Apu.
Is there any other product in the store you'd like to warn me about? Well, uh those hot dogs began life as Twinkies.
(sizzling) Wow.
(pop, crackling) (groans) Christmas Eve.
The one night a kid wants to go to sleep is the one night he can't.
I can't have another cocoa.
My pee is starting to smell like a ski chalet.
(door opens) Oh, thank God you're here.
I need to get to sleep.
Tell me the story of jazz again.
Well, the story of jazz starts with the tresillo, the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic cell in sub-Saharan African music.
But the rest will have to wait.
Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing.
And I don't know where Dad is.
If it helps, I made you a card.
Bart, this is the year I've got to nail Christmas.
I don't want to be a jaded ten-year-old like you! Ah, yes.
I remember Christmas Eve when I was eight.
MARGE: Why do you always wait till the last minute to put up the lights? HOMER: I don't want to ruin the magic.
And I certainly Aah! (gurgling) Next year this is your job.
(electrical crackling) (grunting) (grunting) Ooh! (grunting) Hmm, they say a boy never gets over seeing his dad in a Santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on Christmas Eve.
I'll help you, kid.
(sighs heavily) Mom, I'm just a kid, but I say if Dad isn't here Christmas morning, that's the kind of thing families never recover from.
Hmm.
Lisa, sweetie, I'm tired of being a pushover.
You're not a pushover.
You can't smoke.
Just chewing on the wood.
Okay then.
(clattering) (groans) Eh, how you doing there? Uh, your front door was locked, So, uh, rather than call or knock, I, uh, came down your chimbley there.
(coughs) Moe Szyslak, you didn't climb down our chimney just to say "Merry Christmas.
" (coughing) (clears throat) Midge, it's one minute till Christmas, and if I'm ever gonna be a good guy, it's now.
All right, here I go.
I'm the one that kept Homer from coming home, 'cause, uh, well, I was lonely.
(gasps) Yeah, that's right-- me, Mr.
Party Pants.
So, uh, so don't hold it against Homer, eh? Oh, my poor Homie.
This is what I was hoping for.
For it not to have been completely his fault.
Thank you, Moe.
(mumbling): Huh? I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry, but it was Christmas, and we were under the mistletoe.
That's lettuce caught in a spider's web.
All right.
I've got to call Homer.
(buzzing) (beeps) D'oh! What gives? Don't you get Showtime Extreme? (groans) No answer.
Let's go find your father.
What? I never give up hope.
Neither do I.
Even the anchor store's closed.
("Someday at Christmas" plays) Someday at Christmas Men won't be boys Playing with bombs Like kids play with toys One warm December our hearts will see A world where men are free Mm Someday at Christmas Any uplifting holiday movies? Well, let's see.
We've got a film about a nutty professor Ooh.
with advanced Alzheimer's.
D'oh! Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill Yeah? in a concentration camp drama.
D'oh! And a cute model Ooh! airplane that lost its propeller.
Um, I guess I'll take the concentration camp one.
And a Merry Christmas to you, sir.
(sighs) Well, if I got to spend Christmas Eve alone, at least no one will see me.
Hey-ya, Homer! (barking) Ah, just 'cause you're here shouldn't make you sad.
This is my 17th Christmas alone in a movie theater.
This is my family.
The guy with the smelly pants, the lady that carries empty cans in a PBS tote bag.
Ugh, what if I left now and gave you guys my popcorn and soda? (cat meows) Wow, Homer, you have a very generous side.
Can I borrow, like, $10,000? Flanders? What are you doing here? Christmas is my busy season.
Sold three pairs of scissors this month.
Two came back.
Say, Flanders, with all the hard luck you've had, how do you stay so happy? And don't say "Jesus.
" Well, sir, our good Lord and my boys are all I've really got.
All Edna left me was wonderful memories and some ungraded papers, which I'm still working my way through.
(sniffles) Flanders, are you crying? Ah, just snowflakes on my mustache.
Listen, could I buy a left-handed, uh I don't know, eyelash curler? Sure, but y-your eyelashes are long and luxurious already.
Are you just buying this to be nice? Uh, maybe.
Oh, Homer, unto us this day, a neighbor is born.
But why? Because jerk-ass Homer has become ass-jerk Homer.
Well, that curled my lashes, but good for you.
(chuckles) You're all right, stupid Flanders.
You're all right.
Well, this is a whole new relationship for us.
We'll be friends in this life and the next.
HOMER: Whoa, he's getting serious.
Is this what I really want? (whimpering) My best friend is a great runner.
I made everyone happy but me.
Some Christmas.
(sobbing): Feliz navidad.
(wind whistling) (vehicle approaching, tires screeching) Abe Simpson, please.
Visitor for Abe Simpson.
You came! You came to see me! (Bart grunting) Aw! Easter came early this year.
I thought we were just gonna ask if he'd seen Homer.
I'm afraid we've awoken a needy giant.
Visitors! Let's brew some weak tea and talk about the good ol' days! Make them turn the TV to CBS! ("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays) (electrical crackling) Well, with all that you folks have experienced, I think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom.
The problem with Puerto Ricans is No casual racism.
(Homer snoring) (muttering) What the? The Nutcracker.
Every child's favorite Christmas character.
Is this a dream? Not a dream.
I work at the mall.
And it's closed, so scram.
Man, you are a nutcracker.
But I've learned something tonight-- you know how everyone hates being with their family on Christmas? Uh-huh.
Well, being without them is worse.
Can you find it in your wooden heart to give me a break? All right, listen, pal, uh you want to go to a party? (dance music plays) What are you doing here? Halloween merchandise goes on sale December 26, man.
("O Holy Night" plays) Well, he's not in the neon sign store.
Lady, buy a sign or go home.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to find my husband, and nothing's open.
Well, there is a party here.
Hey, is your husband into people dressed like food? Where is this party?! (electrical crackling) Oh, my God.
Is that girl really doing that?! Mm, load-bearing wall.
(whoops) (moans) Ho, ho, ho! This party's great, but all I wish is that I was drinking a beer with my kids right now.
MARGE: Homer? Hmm?! Homie, I'm your present tonight.
And the present is that I'm not gonna always assume that you screwed up.
Because I realize maybe there's a good explanation for what you do.
Or a crazy one that's pretty entertaining.
Oh, Marge, you found me! You always find me.
Now we just have to find your car in the mall parking lot.
I thought I had one of those chirping keys.
Oh, well, I've been faking the noise.
'Cause you deserve the best.
(imitates car chirp) You didn't have to do that.
I love you just the same.
(imitates car chirp) (moaning) Thank you magical creatures of the mall! You have all taught me a Christmas message I'll never forget-- the place to get drunk is at home.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays) All right, I'm sick of waiting.
Bart, you know you can't open a present till Mom and Dad wake up.
(scoffs) It's 9:10 a.
m.
I know what they're doing-- they're up in bed watching the re-broadcast of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.
Oops, my finger slipped.
Oops! So did mine.
(laughing) BART: Oh, I got a baseball glove.
LISA: I got a chemistry set.
BART: I want yours.
GOD: Merry Christmas, son.
Uh, don't you mean "Happy Birthday"? GOD: It's two presents.
Um, walkie-talkies don't count as two presents.
God.
I mean, you.
JESUS: Idiot.
Behold, our miracle of birth.
Each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later.
(grunting) What the?! This isn't Halloween.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  The Man Who Came to Be Dinner
The Simpsons s26e10 Episode Script
The Man Who Came to Be Dinner
Whoa! (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (piano playing softly) (static, explosion) And in other news (all sigh happily) BOTH: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? No.
Are we there yet? No! Are we there yet? I said no! Are we there yet? What's wrong with your ears? Are we there yet? Look out the window! Are we there yet? We're not there! Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Okay.
We're there.
Finally.
Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Damn technology! Are we there yet? Turn it off! We did.
This is us.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? (anguished scream) (laughter) HOMER: Ooh, a spot.
Okay, remember we're parked in the "Ethnic Princess" section.
(horn honking) HOMER: Don't worry, this time I'm gonna write down where I parked.
(crowd shouting) (screams) Look! I see land! (cheering) Mama! We made it! Mama? No! You planted that on me, man! (screaming) Sorry.
No outside pacifiers.
Fine, but I'm not paying for the insurance.
Oh, what the hell? Give me the insurance.
(sizzles) Come on, Maggie.
The first ride we go on will be for you.
ROOFI: Riding on a bug Riding on a bug You'd rather be in school Than riding on a bug Riding on a bug Riding on a bug You'd rather be in school Bug be damned! (gasps) Than riding on a bug Ay, caramba! Don't get off the bug Don't get off the bug Certain death awaits If you get off the bug (ripping) Welcome to the bug, welcome to (groans) (groaning) (gun clicks) (heroic music plays) Whoa, this place sure has changed since Dizznee bought the rights to Cosmic Wars.
(bluegrass music playing) BART: Oh, geez! (mechanical whirring) Purchased for $4 billion, I was.
Yet still hoodie ragged, wear I do, this.
Pirates of the Caribbean! Huh? They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.
No means no We know now No means no We know now (high-pitched): Ha-ha! My cartoons weren't good, they were just first! ALL: Ooh! Not enough ketchup.
(groans) We've been here six hours and the coolest thing we've done is stand in the Cool Zone.
ANNOUNCER: The Cool Zone is beyond maximum capacity.
Disperse, disperse.
(crowd grumbling) (screaming) (sighing happily) How about that one? (excited shouting) (screaming) Ooh, I don't like the end sounds on that.
ANNOUNCER: By 1994, we'll have drive-in theaters on Neptune! Life magazine will be (slowly): And your telegrams will be delivered by jetpa Well, that's it.
We've visited every section including Churro County, Toonton Abbey, but you know what we haven't had here? I'll tell you: fun.
The kind of fun attractive families have in commercials.
Hey, Dad, I see a ride that actually looks decent.
I just want to sit down, but the line for the bench is too long.
No, look, it's a ride that just opened and no one's there.
Dad, I don't know about this.
It's not on the park map.
Lisa, those maps were drawn by the first explorers of this theme park, hundreds of years ago.
Let's go.
KANG: Assume a sitting position.
KODOS: One seat per human.
Come on, start this thing! I'm not impressed.
This is so fake.
HOMER: Uh-oh.
ALL: Ooh! We've left Earth's atmosphere.
Prove it.
(squeals) BART AND LISA: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Welcome, humans.
There is nothing to fear.
I am Kang the Abductor.
What the? This isn't Halloween.
Are we truly in space? And if so, why? All will be revealed in time, unsuspecting humans.
Why does the last thing you say sound so ominous? It's just the way we speak, easily reassured fool.
(sighing happily) Oh! Yeah, that's good.
We shall now attend to the complex calculations of hyperspace.
(chuckling) Hey, Captain Squid! If you really want to be nice to us, how about some snacks? Whatever you say shall materialize.
Potato chips.
("Blue Danube Waltz" playing) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Stupid kid, you ruin every trip! Hokey Smokes! I can't survive in these conditions! Whoa! (sighs) Hmm! (grunts) Hmm! (laughs) Homer, please.
That's creeping me out.
D'oh! (chuckles) Let me just There you are, just like new, not a freak of nature.
Wow, look at all these knobs and buttons.
They are clearly a superior race.
But maybe that means they'll be nice to us.
You mean like Europeans were to the Native Americans? Or the Belgians were to the Congo? That's right.
Pick the only two times in history where things got messy.
We have begun our descent to our home planet.
Please turn off all portable electronic devices.
Who's gonna stop me? Perhaps you haven't noticed the air marshal.
Have your cups lost their suck? Slipped on some drool? Larry H.
Zeeblezorp will have you rolling in space credits.
Wow.
This place is completely alien, but everything's in English.
Just like Canada.
Can I turn my phone on? KODOS: Not yet.
Now what? I say we take this bucket home! To Earth! (engine not starting) Come on.
Come on, you son of a Thanks for flooding it.
(engine not starting) (groans) Take these pills, and you can breathe our atmosphere.
Are there any side effects? Yes, I'm afraid you will never develop tentacles.
(groans) Behold the wonders of our world.
Purple landscape, purple trees.
Yeah, you really went with the purple theme.
We can change it at will.
Now look upward to see our seven suns.
(gasps) So, you use a lot of solar energy? We have federal rebates for the panels, but few take advantage of them.
Now we shall show you the sacred mysteries of our life cycle.
Behold, our miracle of birth.
Each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later.
(groans) (all groaning) And finally, a sadder slice of our lives.
Gaze upon the dead being dumped into a river of their own drool.
(bagpipes playing) Farewell, dear friends, on your sacred journey to the chopper-upper.
Aw.
Why are you sharing all this with us? Because we want you to fully appreciate the planet that you will never leave! (gasping) Wait, are you telling me we're prisoners in this cage? Okay, take five.
(dissonant bagpipe chord) (screeching) Don't look at them.
You can see those birds any time.
(meows) (screaming) Right hand red! Aah! I win.
I think.
(grunts) Would you like one of our toys? Thanks.
Why did you do that? I thought it was a ball.
That is the one thing it can never be.
(plays instrument out of tune) Don't be alarmed.
I am a trained humanologist.
Let me just check your heart.
All well and good.
You obviously exercise.
(nasally): See, Marge? Anything you need? Perhaps you'd care to have your ink gland expressed.
You're the doctor.
Homer! You have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims they're a doctor.
Fine.
Now, I am here to complete your knowledge of our great and generous species.
Are you the guy that talks nice before they kill us? Eh, we'll come back to that.
As young thinglings, we are schooled in the wisdom of the universe.
Physics, mathematics, FORTRAN the greatest of the programming languages! And now the part that is difficult to tell you.
At the end of a life well-lived, there is one final ritual.
We must eat one of you.
(all gasp) But we'll let you have the fun of picking which one.
(laughs) There's only one fair solution.
We have to put it to a vote.
Before we vote, I'd just like to point out in Sophie's Choice, she saved the boy.
(humming a tune) This isn't a happy thing! Here you go.
Okay.
What the?! D'oh! Well, we haven't heard from Maggie yet.
Now, what the? (scoffs) Gibberish, pure gibberish.
You're the last vote, Homie.
(groaning) 'Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
Hey, look, Maggie made you a farewell card.
That kid's got talent, but come on! Now do you see why I'm a vegetarian, Dad? I get it, Lisa.
I finally get it.
You do get a last meal.
I'd like rabbit, lots of rabbit.
Ah.
Welcome to the World Series of Chomping.
This annual consumption ritual is brought to you by scalp salt.
From the same wonderful folks who make elbow pepper and groin gravy.
Here comes sacrifice Homer Simpson.
His hobbies include sitting, lying down, and reaching for things without success.
Come on, folks, let's put your eyelids together! (eyelids clapping) Doesn't your culture say anything about mercy? Madam, you are speaking to the kindest and gentlest of us all.
Let's see: skull crusher, skin peeler, eyeball popper, scream collector (gasps) Got it.
Our elder Klaunax has been chosen for our ceremonial first bite, after which Homer Simpson will be dipped into a spicy cheese fondue.
"Fondue"? Welcome to a faculty dinner party in 1979.
Silence! And celebrate the Solstice of Slobbering to the sounds of the Rigel 7 Children's Choir.
Tasty creature We salute you (all slurp) For your juicy Sacrifice.
(all slurp) (groaning) (laughing) (grunting) A transporter beam! Someone is trying to steal our sacrifice.
Yes! This mysterious tube can only lead to somewhere good.
So long, you stupid slobbering What the?! (grunting) And away we go! (sighs) Way to go, George Mucus.
The fattest, stupidest man on Earth slipped right through your sticky tentacles.
Why, you little! What is this baffling construct? It's called a knot.
A not what? "Knot" with a "K.
" Ks are silent? Really? I've been saying kitchen.
That's correct.
BOTH: Huh? (Homer gasps) MALE: Do not fear.
You are among friends.
We are the resistance.
We don't believe in the barbaric consumption of other species.
So, what do you eat-- space broccoli? Space broccoli has the most advanced feelings of any creature in the universe.
I stepped on a piece once, and it cried for six years.
Frankly, they are a little full of themselves.
Who are you talking about? Um, earth broccoli.
Yeah, I hate those guys.
They think they're so big.
Let's go, Homer.
Where are you taking me? You are about to behold the secret rebel base.
Aah! Whee! Yeah! Why are they dancing? Shouldn't they be making weapons? This is excellent training for the party we will throw when our rebellion succeeds.
(music stops) MALE: Oh, turn the music back on.
In a minute! First, noble human Homer Simpson will explain his primitive yet beautiful culture.
(bird caws) But perhaps Earth's greatest achievement is moon rocks.
Oh, radio.
(all oohing) Truly a species with much to offer.
MALE: Seriously? Are we listening to the same guy? Silence! Homer, we will get you back to Earth.
What about my family? Why do you care? It's just your sex mate and spermlings.
"Sex mate"? (laughs) Clearly you've never been married.
But it's great, I'm telling you.
Unfortunately, we only had the means to build the spaceship for one.
We spent most of our money on the party.
Well, it is a great party.
The pod is equipped to fulfill your deepest desires.
Just concentrate.
Suddenly, this trip has gotten interesting.
(gasps) What the?! Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn't enjoy calorie one without my family.
I'm going back to save them! Aw, if I could just live inside that head, so full of noble thoughts.
(growls, grunting) The golden rule states if the chosen one escapes, his family is eaten as forfeit.
What do your rules say now? That all will be eaten.
D'oh! This system is really rigged against us.
(Bart and Marge groan) You forgot to glaze me.
No, I didn't.
You licked it off! I think somebody's afraid to admit he's out of glaze.
(groans) Glaze, please.
(growls) Make way for the queen! I shall take the first bite.
It is quite an honor.
(whimpering) What's that? Part of your magnificent behind.
We sliced it off when you were sleeping.
It does look delicious.
(gasps) What is it, my queen? This ass is most disagreeable.
(gurgles) The creatures are composed of completely indigestible toxins.
These humans have been poisoned by their unhealthy fast-food diet.
Um, are you sure you don't want to try me again? You? Your lunches of hummus and rice cakes combine in your stomach to form formaldehyde and animal fat.
Really? But I thought You'd be better off chewing tobacco like the boy.
What?! Dad said I could try it.
Homer! Don't you people realize your queen is dying? I'm afraid the lardo speaks the truth, Your Majesty.
It's all right.
I have seen many glories and have only one regret.
That my breasts aren't bigger.
I don't see any breasts.
And those will be the last words I ever hear.
(grunts) Useless humans! We will send you back to your planet, and your memories will fade.
So, it will be as if none of this ever happened! Captain's log, stardate 65848.
2.
After successfully conquering the Rigelians Right, "conquering.
" Well, at least Maggie can fly us home.
Thank God it's just like her busy box.
Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species.
Like three-bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.
We're receiving a transmission from an unknown source.
Hey, I finally tracked you down! My oatmeal's gone cold.
The cat ate my heart medicine.
I'm engaged to my nurse Set a course, Mr.
Maggie.
Anywhere but home.
HOMER: D'oh! (Star Trek theme playing)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Bart's New Friend
The Simpsons s26e11 Episode Script
Bart's New Friend
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (all gasp) (yelling) (thudding and clattering) (growling) Walking down the corridor Using both my feet Wish I was in Floridor Now I will repeat Oh, I'm walking down the corridor Using both my feet.
Hmm? Don Bookner.
Can't believe you're retiring.
Yup, it's time for the gold watch.
Thank you.
You're free to go.
(clocks ticking) Good old Don.
We sure will miss your your, um, uh What did you do again? Safety inspector, 7-G.
But wait a minute.
That's my job.
Yes, of course it is.
There are two of us, and I've been covering for you all these years.
That would explain a lot.
But why did you do it? I felt there was something special in you.
It's like rooting for the Cubs.
You keep thinking they'll make it, and then you realize they never, ever will.
(whimpers) But now, you won't have me to protect you.
Oh, please.
All I'm asking you to do is stay 21 more year Too late.
I'm gone.
If I was Fred Flintstone, I'd be at the end of the dinosaur's tail.
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow (gasps) Which nobody can deny Last time I'm covering your ass, Homer.
(whimpering): Oh, it's such a big ass.
(tires screeching) (sighs) How was your day? Oh, stressful.
You see how loose my tie is? Mah! For the first time, I actually have to do my job! Oh, sweetie.
(groans) And, Marge, I got this weird new feeling in my stomach-- a little sour and a little sick.
There's a Yiddish word for it-- shpilkes.
They have a lot of funny words for not so funny things.
(crow caws) Hey, Homer, Carl and I are gonna see if we can sneak out of the men's room without setting off the automatic toilets.
Ninja-style.
Look, I don't have time for childish games.
If I don't do my job, atoms go boom.
Simpson, I want a full plant status report at 5:00.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Can I get a 4:55 wakeup call? No! Oh.
(toilet flushing) Damn it! (birds singing) I thought we weren't allowed to do homework at the table.
It's called a double standard, one of the bedrocks of parenting? You've been working so hard lately.
Maybe you should take a break.
No.
Marge, if I lose my job in this economy, it's a death sentence.
Well, I guess as a fallback, I could direct films, like Angelina Jolie.
How many properties do we have an option on? None.
What?! When were you gonna tell me?! Uh, uh When? (keyboard keys clicking) Homie, a workaholic is probably your best aholic ever, but you need to relax, so, I got us all tickets to see the circus on Saturday.
The circus? Hmm.
I haven't been to the circus since I was a kid.
(yelling, thudding, crowd gasping) Son, look over there.
(trumpeting) Uh, I mean look over there.
Ten bucks a cone?! Look back at the elephant.
(laughs) Okay, Marge, we can go to the circus.
And maybe I can finally find out why a man would think a stool is a proper defense against a lion.
Damn it! This circus Wi-Fi is a joke! Oh, come on! I thought you were going to try to relax.
How can anyone relax when they made us park in stacked parking? I knew he wasn't gonna like the stacked parking.
What kind of insane parking system is designed so you're blocked in by everyone that arrived after you? (clack) The early bird gets the shaft! Shh! Shh! (cheering and crowd chatter) Oh, my God.
What if all those clowns are parked in the same lot as us?! Maybe there's better Wi-Fi in the freak tent.
Mah.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
(phone ringing) What the hell?! Oh, finally.
The business call I've been waiting for.
Hello, this (groans) Come on, kids.
There's nothing you'd be interested in here.
(snapping) Uh, uh Hey! Hey, uh they'll grow back.
Oh, Homer, I have to use the Porta Potti.
Oh, for gah Now? Do you have to? No woman uses one of these by choice.
(groaning) Hey, Dad, since we got to wait, can't we please see an act? Ugh.
Fine, but I'll be amazed if I'm astounded.
Thereby proving Zorn's Lemma.
Give me my damn husband back! Dang, look at all them hobo signs! My head bone hurts.
Aah.
(applause and chatter) I need a new volunteer.
How about you, sir? (gasps) Hey, is that time right? I have a deadline in an hour and a half.
You know, Dad, studies show being hypnotized makes you more efficient.
Mm, oh, okay.
Is that true? Mah.
I just wanted to see him cluck like a chicken.
(laughs) Now, we've never met, have we, sir? Ooh, patter.
Do you have any children? No, but we're having fun trying.
(laughs) Wait.
I mean three.
When I snap my fingers, you shall be ten years old.
Look, can we get to the point? I'm stack parked.
Did you hear me? Stack You are ten years old! No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are! Yes, you are.
No, yes, yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Look, I said you are.
Yeah, and you are, too.
Only a ten-year-old boy could be this annoying! (applause, gasping, crowd chatter) I'm not convinced.
I know you are, but what am I? Infinity plus one.
Jinx! Only the coolest kid ever could think of that.
Good golly, Sven Golly, you did it! Sven Golly, born Svenjamin Golly, you are under arrest for mesmerizing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to induct Kiss.
You are wanted by the police, by which I mean Sting, Andy Summers, uh Hey, is it Is is getting hot in here? Oh, not again.
Mom, Dad's been hypnotized to think he was ten.
Ah.
(gasps) Hmm.
(rhythmic thudding) Now I'm gonna test just how deeply Homer's mind has been effected.
Take a sip of this, young man.
(coughing) Ew! Gross! What did you give him? Beer.
(all gasp) This hypnotism is strong.
Dinner theater strong.
My husband can't really think he's ten.
I'm saying, he so desperately needs to believe he's ten, that only the original hypnotist who did this can undo the trance without risking permanent damage to Homer's psyche.
(laughs) (in high-pitched voice): Hey, oh, help me! Dear God.
Psych! Oops.
So, what do we do? Do not force the truth.
For now, just treat Homer just as you would a regular ten-year-old boy.
Can he be nine so I can beat him up? No, I'm afraid not.
The rules of hypnotism are inflexible.
Then can we get pizza on the way home? Ask for boogers on Bart's half.
(laughs) Good one.
Booger pizza.
You better pray they find that hypnotist, Marge.
HOMER: Get the ball, boy! Come on.
(squeaking) Go get it, boy! (barking) Go get it, boy.
(whines) Go get it, boy! (snarls, barking) Hey! Ow! Ow! I thought you were my best friend.
(barking) Ooh! Ow-Ow! So, where is he gonna sleep? Well, I guess it'll have to be in Bart's room.
Oh.
And I thought when Homer cut off his thumb was bad.
Um, Mrs.
Simpson? Aah! (laughing) MARGE: Oh! (snoring) (snoring) (groans) Hey? What? Who? Homer, can't you sleep with Mom? I'd be too nervous.
Have you noticed that she's kind of hot? Gross! Weird! Complicated! Go to sleep.
(grumbles) I really do miss my Homie this time of night.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
We're gonna have a lot of mittens this winter.
(birds singing) Aw, if I'm gonna get through this day, I better Irish up my coffee.
I'm ready to go to school.
Homer, you're not going to school.
I'm not? Cool! Am I sick? 'Cause if I'm sick, I get to stay home and make s'mores.
All I need is graham crackers, chocolate, marshmallows, sticks, fire Did I say graham crackers? Chocolate, marshmallows, sticks, fire Oops! My homework.
Fine, you can go to school.
Yo, this is tunnel tag.
When you're tagged, you have to spread your legs and freeze.
Guess I chose the wrong day to wear culottes.
Every day's the wrong day to wear culottes.
You're it! (kids laughing, clamoring) (kids gasp) Can I play? Oh, God, no.
If Milhouse can play, anyone can play.
Once again, I'm the lower bound.
You're it! (kids laughing, clamoring) Is that a grown man going between the children's legs? Well, there's nothing in the rule book against it.
It's on page one of the rule book! That's where I doodle.
It's a comic strip I do called Bumble and Grumble.
Grumble likes to yell, but deep down he loves Bumble like a son.
No, he doesn't.
HOMER: I'm beat.
(yawns) Today was fun.
Yeah.
Listen, Homer, do you ever think about what you want to do when you're grown up? I'll eat in bed.
Not just snacks, messy stuff like lasagna.
Oh, and the TV would be on.
Loud.
Hey, would you ever want to have a real job and a family? (scoffs) Wife? Three kids? Steady job? If I did, I'd secretly be very sad.
You could tell by how much I would eat and drink and just sit on the couch.
(gasps) Yeah, thank God that never happened.
(snoring) Wow.
He doesn't want to be my dad, he just wants to be a kid like me.
Almost makes me not want to prank him.
Almost.
(grunting) (snoring) TouchÃ©.
(kids grunting) If you wedgie me, my friend will beat you up.
That's not your friend, it's your screwed-up dad.
Pretty sad, really.
We'll leave you alone.
You did it, Homer! You saved me from the bullies! You're the coolest kid I ever met.
What about me? You're in the top hundred.
Boo-yah! Now you're not.
(groans): Oh.
(laughter) (confused grunts) (laughter) (Homer yells, Bart screams) (groans) HOMER: Uh, Lisa, your ma says I should do something with you.
Need some help with your homework? I'm done.
Want to see me make a muscle? Mm, not right now.
Well, that's everything I know that girls like.
Listen, Homer, I just want to take advantage of this opportunity to have you enjoy my saxophone with me.
Okay.
(saxophone playing "Baker Street") (vocalizing along) Ah, thank God they pulled that other safety inspector out of retirement.
(Homer continues vocalizing) You know, you're the closest thing I've ever had to a brother.
Me, too.
You know what? I'm afraid you might change back.
Change back to what? (sighs) Look in the lake, tell me what you see.
Bloated corpse under the water.
I'd say he's been there a few months at least.
Interesting the way his lips move just like mine.
Why do you ask? Uh, no reason, brother.
(laughing) (laughing) (coughing) (gurgling) Geez, I hope this is the call I've been praying for.
It is.
We have captured Sven Golly, using a specially dedicated anti-hypnosis squad.
(bangs into car) Well, bring him here now.
I want my Homie back.
I miss him and the things he did.
Lis, you know how Dad thinks he's a ten-year-old? I've been emotionally dealing with that all week, so yes.
Well, now that hypnotist is gonna come back and snap him out of it! Look, Dad had to get cured sometime.
There's nothing we can do about it.
Or isn't there not? WIGGUM: All right, Sven Golly, you're gonna untangle this guy's noodle, and that's it-- no more hypnotizing anyone.
You have my word Chief Kangaroo! Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing (groans) (wind whistling) (gasps) They've run away! Quick! Hypnotize me into a a-a competent policeman! I'm good, I'm not that good.
Ha-ha.
I wanted you to enjoy being a kid just a little longer.
HOMER: Whoo-hoo! HOMER: Whoo hoo-hoo-hoo! (coughing) (Bart and Homer coughing) I do it all myself.
(two gunshots) (people screaming) (people clamoring) We've returned to Itchy & Scratchy Land, which means you'll have to pay again.
What do we do next? What do we do next? WIGGUM: Homer Simpson! Uh, your second childhood is over.
You're going back to taking statins and paying FICA.
No! You can't take him now.
We've only been on two rides.
You should've used Fastpass.
Fastpass can't solve everything.
Eh, spoken like a kid who's never lived in a non-Fastpass world.
Homer, I'm here.
Bye, Bart.
Stay ten forever.
Good-bye, friend.
Hmm Before you fix him, can you change one little thing? (quietly): I'm embarrassed to ask this, but after we, uh, snuggle, he always rolls over and goes to sleep, and I'd rather just (whispering indistinctly) That's the only thing you want changed? Everything else about him is perfect? Yes.
Ugh, where were you when I was straight? All right, let's do this.
(whispers): Cuddle your wife.
You are back! Parked! I hate stacked parking! Wait, where am I? This isn't a circus.
It's an amusement park.
The furthest thing from a circus.
Well, here's what happened.
Marge, sweetie, I'm not gonna lie.
I must've tied one on at Moe's.
If you have it in your heart, could you forgive me and totally blame my friends? Homie, I've missed you.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! I missed you, too.
(tires screech) (tired sigh) (The Itchy & Scratchy Show theme song playing on TV) What the? Lasagna in bed? Recommended by a kid I used to know.
You know, I used to have this friend.
I told him all my dreams.
Really, really great kid.
You think so? The best.
Wonder whatever happened to him? Well maybe you sat on him and he was never seen again.
Why, you little! Ooh.
You know, boy, I'm not sure I can strangle you anymore.
I'm gonna try something new.
(strained grunt) What do you say, boy, want to split the lasagna? Get lost.
Why, you little! (moaning, kissing) Oh so good to have you back.
(yawns) It's great to be back.
(yawns) (grumbles) Hmm.
Can we cuddle for a little while? (gasps) Thank you, Sven Golly.
I knitted us a blanket.
Mm You can find them for, like, six bucks.
Check and mate.
Once again you're too smart for me, my friend.
That's why I'm the master hypnotist and you're the bumbling police chief.
Exactly so, Sven Golly.
Exactly so.
See you tomorrow? Yes, I might be a little late.
That Chief Wiggum, what a dope! (gasps) Loki! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  The Musk Who Fell to Earth
The Simpsons s26e12 Episode Script
The Musk Who Fell to Earth
Ay-ay-ay! (bees buzzing) (birds chirping) Oh! Looks like our birdhouse is benefitting from positive word of beak.
(laughs) (eagle screeches) A bald eagle! It is! (screeches) Maybe he's giving those little baby birds some food.
(screams) (screeches) (gasps) Homer, quick! Get your shooing broom.
Marge, an eagle is our country's mascot! Fighting him is like kicking George Washington in his wooden nuts! Aah! (grunting) (screeches) (grunts) Ow.
Ow.
This means war! Boy, bring my toupee.
Go ahead, boy.
MILHOUSE: It's working! It's definitely working! For once, we're finally gonna catch that mouse.
(screeches) Got you! Ha.
ha! Stupid eagle! It wasn't the mouse we were after.
It was you! Marge, preheat the oven! (grunting) (screeching) I got him cornered, boy! Bag him up! (screeching) (grunting) (laughing) Not so majestic in a trash bag, are you? Oopsie.
(puffing) Seems almost a shame I'm gonna have to bang you against the wall till you die.
No! Let's take the eagle to Shelbyville Animal Rescue where you took that injured hummingbird you found on the front lawn.
Uh um Or maybe we can nurse him back to health and set him free in the wild.
Okay, Bart, think of a name.
Make it great-- insanely, unbelievably great! Squawky? Perfect.
Just like when we let you name Maggie.
(humming) Squawky, until I met you, I never thought I could love something bald.
(screeches) Bye! We love you.
(all gasp) Oh, my God.
Brace yourselves, family.
We're about to meet a being with intelligence far beyond ours.
Boy, give me my baseball bat.
Hello.
I'm Elon Musk.
Die! What the? Dad, no! Elon Musk is possibly the greatest living inventor! You're the guy who put wheels on luggage? Oh, bless you! Bless you! (crying) I'm-I'm not that guy.
His company perfected electric cars and then gave away the patents! He changed the way Hollywood drives! And now he's landed in our yard.
On my son's bike and on our mailman's leg.
Honey, guess who crushed me? I'll give you a hint.
His first name is Elon.
Ah! That's right! So, what brings you to Springfield, Mr.
Musk? What does bring me to Springfield? Well, to start with, I'm an idea man.
It's my raison d'Ãªtre.
Mmm, Raisin Detra.
I've hit a dry patch.
I'm blocked.
In my personal drought, I'm traveling the country quietly by spaceship, looking for inspiration.
That's so sad.
Maybe we're the same.
Two lost ships in the intellectual sea.
Each of whom could inspire the other to reach Hey, Elon, if you're interested, you could come to the nuclear plant where I work tomorrow.
I am and I will! Great.
And if anyone asks where I am, just cover for me.
Homer! Fine! We'll both go, and if anybody asks you something you don't understand, just say protons.
So do you get satellite radio cheaper in space? Homer, if we're gonna carpool together, there's one thing you have to know.
Ass, gas or grass-- no one rides for free.
It's as old as the Bible.
No, it's that I don't talk to anyone unless they provide the mental stimulation I seek.
Ditto.
(Lisa giggles nervously) Hi.
I didn't want to miss one more chance to spend time with Mr.
Musk.
It is such an honor.
He is.
And may I save that paper? "No ideas.
" (gasps) That's sad.
(gasps) That's even worse.
(gasps) Aw, man, I wish those were white meatballs.
(triumphant orchestra music playing) Oh, my.
That's an idea! White meatballs-- synthetic meat that you can print in your printer.
Say something else.
Please! Now! Uh don't tase me, bro.
Chocolate rain! Tase, bro, chocolate rain.
Use electroplating to remove metal ions from rainwater, making it suitable for drinking.
What about the chocolate? We'll make the device a soothing chocolate color-- brilliant! He's taking your Homerisms and turning them into his own great ideas! This is the most inspirational moment of my life, but unfortunately, this is my stop.
Bye.
Well, come on, keep throwing things at me.
Um (grunts) Oh, this is a break.
We're-we're taking a break! (grunts) (laughs) (both laughing) I got you! MUSK: You're fun.
Well, duh.
Why don't have fun like that, Lou? (huffing) Ah, Chief! Did anyone ever tell you there's a safety on that gun? What do you mean this thing? (grunts) That's the trigger! What are you writing? Share, buddy.
Suggestion for the suggestion box.
Can anyone make a suggestion? Be my guest, but I seriously doubt the old man ever reads them.
Suggestion 8,432.
Nix! Hmm, technically an order, not a suggestion.
"Installing an MHD generator "would allow the plant to "operate at a higher temperature "without the tyranny of moving parts using conducting plasma as the moving conductor"? Excellent.
Clearly the work of Lenny.
That's the white one, right? Is this your suggestion? No.
No, mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers.
Also, water in the decontamination showers.
Never! Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Good Lord! Sir, you know who that is? The man who's revolutionized the car industry.
Henry Ford, good to see you.
As healthy and vibrant as Detroit itself.
No, sir, this is Elon Musk.
For some reason, he's sharing a console with Homer Simpson.
His mind is as rich as an Italian wedding soup.
Homer, what are you thinking now? Uh, Pittsburgh 35, Dallas 31! (triumphant orchestra music playing) Pittsburgh steel, Dallas Cowboys Robotic cattle herding! Thank you, Homer.
(gentle music playing) Sorry, that's something I'm working on so that I don't have to display facial expressions.
(electrical crackling) Young man, I look at you and I see myself.
How much would you charge to work for me? I don't care about the money.
The whole monetary system is just a series of interconnected heterogeneous databases.
Could you repeat that first part? I don't care about the money.
Once more with feeling? I don't care about the money.
Now, let me feel the vibrations of your lips.
(muffled): I don't care about the money.
And I want you to get your fingers out of my mouth! Smithers, there's something strange in his mouth.
It's called moisture.
Hmm, I see.
Okay, Musk, what do you propose? Well, you'll need to increase the capacity of your plant.
You cover the costs, you get 100% of the profits.
Careful, Elon, he's not as kindly as he appears.
(creaking) Now, Burns, what if everything in town not powered by electricity were powered my electricity.
The electricity you sell them.
Imagine that.
(gasps) My doctor says I'm not allowed to imagine, so I hired someone to do it for me.
Send in the imaginer.
(humming) Oh, that's fabulous.
Oh, my goodness, I can see everything.
I'm in.
Oh, by the way, Mr.
Burns? I haven't been paid in a while.
Here you go.
Imagine.
Ooh, Swiss francs! Time to take my wife for a night on the town.
Hey, wait a minute! (sniffs) So, what kind of lunch do you pack? Wow, Elon, you're like Willy Wonka without the underpaid munchkins.
Uh, I'd like to offer you something.
But all I got is coffee.
With cream! Come on, I want cream.
Give it up.
(grunting) D'oh! Cream and sugar are one thing too many! (triumphant orchestra music playing) Exactly, exactly! What if we made the cream cup out of sugar so it dissolved in the coffee? Wow.
Wow! Between your genius and my nothing, we make a great team! Come on, give me a hug.
Sorry, I'm not one for hugging.
Well, I'm not one for just talking.
(violin playing romantic melody) Does that drone do date nights with the wife? My partner, Montgomery Burns ALL: Boo! and I (cheering) Hooray! have exciting news.
Springfield Nuclear has electric solutions to all of your energy needs.
The Springfield Hyperloop.
Electrifying the school to replace the old power source, Willy pushing a wheel.
(drumming rhythmically) And my passion project, the Glayvinator.
You have a Glayvinator, too? Is it, um, uh, patent-pending? Patent granted.
All the years of Glayvining in my basement for naught! I'm a failure.
Ah, yes, everyone's been there.
You have those feelings, too? Of course not.
If I knew how to make a fist, I'd hit you.
This is wonderful, Smithers.
For once in my life, something's going my way.
I'm not so sure.
Oh, another visit from Mr.
Worrywart.
I don't trust Musk.
Anyone with that much money has a darkness in his soul.
Says you.
(sighs) SMITHERS: Mr.
Burns? Mr.
Burns? Sir, Musk's ideas sound great, too great.
We're meant for wretched lives.
We should pass on this.
And before you reply, remember, I've never let you down.
You know what I'm going to say, right? Release the I was going to say "Get out," but your idea sounds better.
(sighs) Can you give me a ten-second head start? Of course.
One, two, three! (barking) Not on my carpet.
Attention, fans of The Little Rascals.
The last of them died today in Palm Springs.
Now it's time for traffic with Arnie Pye.
Nothing to report, Kent.
Since Elon Musk gave everyone self-driving cars, there hasn't been a single accident.
(chuckles) Well, you be careful up there, Arnie.
No need.
Mr.
Musk gave me a self-flying chopper! Where's Arnie? Now I can get as loaded as I want, which is pretty damn loaded.
Oh, boy.
Elon, Elon, you're my guy Since you came down from the sky.
(gulping) Car, go park at work so people think I'm there.
(horn honks) AUTOMATED VOICE: Force of habit.
Car, wake Grampa.
(zapping) (Grampa groaning) Thank you.
Mm.
(mutters) Bart, what are you doing? Disable auto drive.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Foolish boy.
You'll never guess Elon Musk's master password.
Musk rulez, with a "Z.
" AUTOMATED VOICE: Password verified.
Manual control enabled.
(laughs) (tires squealing) Welcome, friends.
I have invited you here to share in our first quarterly profit report.
I'm sure you're all eager to hear how much richer I am.
Now, to end the suspense, Elon? Thank you, Monty.
At our current rate Yes? assuming a linear growth model Of course! we are losing roughly $50 million a quarter.
Just remember, our purpose is to show the planet how to save itself.
Oh, the planet.
I adore the planet.
Do you know my favorite part of the planet? Gravity! There are no trapdoors on this podium, Burns.
You just started the PowerPoint presentation.
No, no, no! Musk, you tricked me.
Not a trick.
We sacrifice now to take care of the future in a way totally determined by me.
(groans) All I wanted was to make obscene profits in the last year of my life and leave it to no one.
Why does God hate dreamers? Due to recent fluctuations in my judgment, and the once in a lifetime mistake of trusting another human being, I am saddened to announce massive layoffs.
Who will pay for my radiation sickness treatments? Not my concern.
But Musk was our savior! Your so-called savior isn't interested in saving anything but the world.
Bah! Burns' layoffs have thrown the city into a new depression, marked by the singing of songs from the old depression.
If you're old enough to have suffered then and now, why don't you sing along? Now the rain's a-fallin' Hear the trains a-callin' Whoo-ee My mama done told me Hear that lonesome whistle Blowin' cross the trestle Whoo-ee My mama done told me A-Whoo-ee A-Whoo-ee (clopping hoofbeats) Oh, clickety-clack and it's echoing back The blues in the night.
My final invention.
A pill that removes all grief.
(chittering) Ah (groans) (chittering) Oh, my God, it attracts women, too.
You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome.
(distorted): You're welcome.
(whistles) You really came back from that Tommy John surgery.
Tell Musk there's more where that came from.
More of what? (groans) BURNS: Smithers, the hounds feel terrible for what they did, and good news, one pooped out your ear.
We'll dip it in iodine, and it's just like new.
(groans) Also, I'm sorry, I couldn't find the records of the shots the hounds had which, in turn, led to all those painful injections in your abdomen.
(groans) Now, the reason I'm here I've made the calls.
I'm gonna have Elon Musk killed, and I'll give you a little extra morphine, friend.
(screaming) (dogs snarling) Oh, right, that's a trapdoor.
(groans) What's wrong, Homer? Is it that all your friends are out of work, and it's kind of your fault? (scoffs) No, it's Elon.
I don't care how much he likes me, I don't want to be friends with him anymore.
None of his pie in the sky ideas ever work out.
Sky pies are lie pies.
Of all the planets in the universe, why did he have to come to this one? How do you break up with a guy? Here's what you do.
You just take his hand, look in his eyes, and say, "I don't want to be with you anymore.
" Wow, you're good at that.
It's gotten me out of a lot of gym memberships.
Sir, I have my concern about the team of hit men you've assembled.
They seem a little long in the tooth.
Nonsense.
Just because a man can't see or hold his hands steady doesn't make him any less of a marksman.
A yoga mat that rolls itself up.
Silent Velcro, baseball tickets that guide you to your seat.
(gunshots) Sweet Columbian Exposition! Musk lives.
But, uh, three of your hit men don't.
Recoil was pretty bad.
Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
You saved my life! Which is gonna make what I'm about to say even more awkward.
Whatever you want, we'll make it work, right, Homer? Elon, Elon, Elon, I want to say something to you, and I don't want you to be inspired by it.
I want you to listen.
No! I don't want to be with you anymore.
Can I ask why? I could say it's the being shot at, or the flat, emotionless way you talk, or the fact that PayPal was my idea, and I was just about to do it when you came out with it, but really it's that this town isn't ready for you.
And neither am I.
It's okay; I'll be fine.
(gentle music playing) It's on your face, too.
Well, I did save you one last prize from the Cracker Jack box that is my brain.
Use it as you will.
On the Miami Dolphins helmet, the little dolphin is also wearing a helmet.
Why are they always the most beautiful just when they're breaking up with you? I think it's time to tell my luggage to self pack.
(beeps) Good-bye, Elon.
Our town will never forgive you.
Thanks for the real working lightsaber.
(whooshing) Ay, caramba! (giggles) I just wanted to see if there was a better life, even for a little bit.
When you're 16, I'll drive you to Cincinnati, and you'll see what there is to see.
Mr.
Musk, before you go, is there anything you could do to give a little girl hope that the world of the future won't be as grim as all our current movies forecast? I guess humanity wants its change one birdhouse at a time.
Hmm, for a man who likes electric cars, he sure burns a lot of rocket fuel.
(moans) What's wrong, Dad? Nothing.
Elon's log, Earth date, 25 January, 2015.
I have left Springfield forever, but there are some things I will definitely miss.
The little dolphin is also wearing a helmet.
Wearing a helmet.
Wearing a helmet.
I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes holograms miss the point.
There's a starman Waiting in the sky He'd like to come and meet us But he thinks he'd blow our minds There's a starman Waiting in the sky He's told us not to blow it 'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile He told me Let the children lose it Let the children use it Let all the children boogie There's a starman Waiting in the sky He'd like to come and meet us But he thinks he'd blow our minds There's a starman Waiting in the sky He's told us not to blow it 'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile He told me Let the children lose it Let the children use it Let all the children boogie.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Walking Big & Tall
The Simpsons s26e13 Episode Script
Walking Big & Tall
(giggles) D'oh! (grunts) Woo-hoo! (screams) D'oh! And I regret to inform you that our Soviet sister city, Springograd, has disappeared from the map.
Now, I'd like to welcome our beloved four-time mayor, Hans Moleman! (applause) Springfielders, rejoice.
What is the one thing our blessed little town has lacked? A human zoo? What we lack is a town anthem.
And you're in luck, because I have written one.
Mr.
Largo, if you please.
Mm-hmm.
There's a special little place A special smile on every face A town called Springfield Special buildings, special sky A unique place to live and die Only Springfield Of all the cities on the mappy You're the one that makes me happy Only Springfield, only Springfield Stop the anthem! What is it, Moe? I was in Tuscaloosa on vacation.
Started out great.
They got a joint there called Moe's Original Barbeque.
But then I heard their city anthem! Give a listen! Of all the cities on the mappy You're the one that makes me happy Only Tuscaloosa, only Tuscaloosa.
That's our song.
They just changed "Springfield" to "Tuscaloosa.
" (growls) Guns are for celebrating.
What do you do with them when you're angry? Now, calm down.
This could just be an amazing musical coincidence.
There ain't no coincidences in popular songs, bony.
Only Austin Only Oakland Only Calgary Only Provo (singing in foreign language) Area 51 (crowd clamoring) We've been singing this song like it only belonged to us, when every city in America's had its lips on it! Even Des Moines.
Wait a minute.
This song was supposedly written by former Mayor Moleman! (crowd murmuring) Oh, I didn't write it.
I bought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in America.
I didn't think you'd find out, because I never thought any of us would ever go anywhere.
Well, then what do I do with this?! Now I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery! Please be merciful.
Hyah! (horse neighs) Boy, sure is nice not to be the one on the horse for a change.
As mayor, I balanced the budget eight times! I still believe in this town-- a town that deserves its own original song.
And as an aspiring musician with off-Broadway dreams, I'm the one to write it.
So ordered.
I'll write that song.
Pharrell Williams?! I'm sorry, everyone, but the eight-year-old girl got there first.
I understand.
It might seem crazy what I'm about to say Sunshine, she's here, you can take a break Hyah! Shelbyville rules! Springfield drools! Let's see.
What rhymes with "Jebediah"? "Tire fire"? How about "Patty and Selma"? "Fatty and smell ya.
" "Mr.
Teeny"? "Sister wienie.
" You've got a gift! Well, don't be so surprised.
I did write that "Lisa, It's Your Birthday" song.
Yeah, with that mental patient who thought he was Michael Jackson.
Whoa.
Thinking back, I'm kind of surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.
Simpler time.
Bart, I need your help to write a new anthem for Springfield.
Will you team up with me? Hmm.
What's in it for me? Uh, I'll make brownies later.
Whoa, that is the best deal any songwriter ever got.
And that's true even if I don't get the brownies.
I'm in! I think we might just make a good team, like Maggie and Grampa.
What are you doing? What's it look like? Writing a song.
(scoffs) Artists.
(makes farting noises) We did it! We wrote an awesome song! We make a great brother and sister team, like Andy and Lana Wachowski.
Should we hug? Mm, how about a fist bump through a towel? That works.
(laughs) I saved us seats.
Oh, thank you, Homie.
Thank you, roll of masking tape.
Uh, gonna be a tight fit.
(grunting) (sighs) Springfield's the only home that we've got But to be frank, there's not a lot To recommend it We've got a big sinkhole And they shut down the think hole Hashtag: SpringfieldPride Has never ever trended This is not boosterism! Warm up the horse.
But when you think of the things we lack 'Stead of the stuff we've got Why Springfield? Why not? We've only had a hurricane once We haven't had a circus fire in months Springfield Why not? Ooh, we're just off the interstate Ah, the second right off exit 8 He didn't blow his line.
Sarah, let's have another! You may find our culture lacking We finally outlawed our snake whacking Sure, our cops are easily bought And our dentists are all self-taught But hooray for Springfield Give two cheers Smallpox-free for seven years Why Springfield? Why not? (crowd cheering) What a song! I feel as if I'm in the lobby of the Brill Building! (cheering continues) Homer, it's a standing ovation.
Get up.
Our kids just did something amazing.
Well, not Maggie.
Get up! Okay, okay.
Standing "O" or die! (grunting loudly) Woo-hoo! (laughter) Stop laughing at me! (crowd screams) (groans) (screams) (sighs) Occupied.
(crowd screaming) Stop fearing me! (sobbing) Damn it! Please keep spinning it.
I don't want to look at it.
Can't you say something to make me feel better? (sighs) I'm sorry, but I can't.
I'm tired of you saying planes have gotten smaller and two presidents were fatter than you, and (sighs) Fine, I got it.
Starting right now, a yearlong juice cleanse.
Every morning, I get a colonic, and I sleep in a sauna every night.
Oh, that's not a healthy way to lose weight.
It's not about health, Marge, it's about going crazy.
You don't have to do this alone.
What the? Hmm.
(sighs) This is it.
My name is Roy, and this week I gained seven pounds.
Yes! No shame there! You go, girth! Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Over-feeders Anonymous.
No, no.
In fact, quite the opposite.
We are Big Is Beautiful.
So you guys are proud of what you are? We do not cower in the shadows, we make the shadows.
Do you guys serve snacks? We've got ice cream hoagies, deep-fried sugar bags, Dorsnickos, Snickeritos, Milky Snicks, Porksicles, and of course diet soda.
Oh, got to have diet soda.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yes, mustn't forget the diet soda.
I have so many questions for you.
First of all, is this floor reinforced? You know, maybe I shouldn't be here.
I promised my wife I'd lose weight.
Huh? MAN: If I may.
Ooh, labels.
Our loved ones, though precious, can often be a hurdle.
Who are you? I'm the founder of our little group, Albert.
Ooh, like Fat Albert! We never use the word "fat" here.
Sorry.
My dear fat friend, all your wife needs is a little education.
Now repeat after me.
I am big.
I am big.
I am beautiful.
I have a beauty of a sort to some.
No one can make me feel bad about who I am because this is who I am! Ditto! You know, I've always wanted to blindly follow somebody, and I think you just might be the guy.
Marge, kids, tonight was a turning point in my life.
Well, that's great, Homie.
Just let me finish uploading this photo.
HOMER: No, Marge, you have to listen! That place you sent me to changed my life.
Thank you, Lord! And I'll give up online scrapbooking, like I promised.
They taught me that I don't need to lose weight.
I should just be proud of what I am.
What? Restore, restore! (buzzer sounds) I met a guy a wonderful guy Oh, Lord.
It's not what you think.
His name is Albert, and he taught me not to buy into the lies taught by Big Nutrition.
That's worse than what I thought.
Marge, you're my wife of ten years and I love you, but I must observe the teachings of this man I just met tonight.
Now, the first thing I have to do is make amends.
With the bathroom scale.
I'm so sorry I threw you across the room and called you a liar.
When you told me I was 260 pounds, you were just encouraging me.
It was a poem you were writing about my potential.
I'm gonna start celebrating my size, and I need you with me as a partner.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to the broken porch swing.
HOMER: So, from now on, you guys can no longer say these hateful words: "Chubby, chunky, blobbo, slobbo, "fat bastard, Michelin Man, Stay Puft, Chumbawumba, "It is balloon! "Papa Grande, Augustus Gloop, "beached whale, big-boned, Wisconsin skinny, "butterball, dump truck, "Jelly Belly, pudgy-wudgy, "lard-ass, blubberino, Buddha belly, "Hurry Eat Tubman, one-ton soup, "Blob Saget, Chub Hub, Calvin Cool Whip, "Manfred Mannboobs, "walking 'before' picture, fatso, Harvey Milk Chocolate, "Obese Want Cannoli, Mahatma Gumbo, "Salvador Deli, Elmer Pantry, "KFC and the Sponge Cake Band, Snackie Onassis, "The Foody Blues, Hoagie Carmichael and wide load.
" What about Mr.
Two Belts? Good, good! By which I mean, "Bad, bad!" You know, as long as we're opening this up-- and I'm glad you are-- I want to tell you guys that when you call me a gargoyle, a troll or a homunculus, it kind of hurts my feelings.
What? You're kidding.
We never dreamed.
Who knew goblins had feelings? You see? That's what I'm talking about.
Because CROWD (chanting): We're big! We're proud! Two of us can make a crowd! Sorry, fellas.
There's a movement I have to join.
I've learned there's something more important than drinking: eating.
Thank you for the easy financing! What the?! Your store is forcing unattainable body images on our young people.
I say, end the thinsanity! You, my friend, are wrong.
Every girl should look like a sexy praying mantis from Milan whose hips are narrower than an Italian parliamentary majority.
Whew.
(siren whoops) Okay, people, show's over.
Nothing to eat here.
Now move along.
If you can.
If not, we're gonna have to take you in.
Clancy, what are you doing? You're one of us! You're right.
Take me in, Lou.
Ow, ah.
(grunting) Hey! Why? Ah, geez, Lou.
You seem to be enjoying this.
Just doing my job, Chief.
(Taser crackles) Oh, that's some nice Tase work, Lou.
(grunting) Homer Simpson? HOMER: Right here! Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Coming through.
Coming back.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
There we go.
Uh, coming up.
What can I do for you? You're free on bail.
People, give thanks to that woman, standing up for all of us, even though she's a lighty.
Thank you.
Although, I think the worst thing that ever happened to my husband was joining your group.
(crowd gasps, murmurs) (clears throat) I'll handle this.
What is the point of a long life if it's not enjoyed? (drooling moan) Homer, you have to choose.
And I think the choice is clear.
Guys, I'm coming back in! Suck in your guts.
(all inhaling) (sighs) Home.
(groans) (laughing) Whee! Whee! Who's he giving a piggyback ride to? We don't know.
Mom, what's wrong? How come Dad's not with you? Are they setting bail by the pound? (laughs) He chose to spend the night in a jail with strangers instead of me.
Mom, Lisa and I learned that we can solve any problem through song.
Lisa, let's go write something that'll change Dad's mind.
Do you really think that we can write a song that does that? I just wanted to get out of the room.
She was really bumming me out.
Ah, geez.
I thought writing another hit song would be easier.
Well, it would've helped if you hadn't crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it.
No more judgment! No more jokes! We will not be made to feel less than because we are greater than! I was distinctly promised no math! Homer, I want to say something extremely important the way a woman does-- subtly, through someone else.
Kids Take it, Bart! You take it! I gave it to you! I refuse to accept it! LENNY: Just start the song! We couldn't write a song.
We're one-hit wonders.
But is that such a crime? Look at J.
D.
Salinger.
Franny and Zooey.
Rubik's Cube! Rubik's Snake! Charles M.
Schulz.
You've got me there.
It's her fault.
She was sucking all the gangsta out of everything.
Well, you're the only "gangsta" I know with a 9:00 bedtime.
Mom said.
Ah, kids, stop arguing.
Or keep arguing.
I don't care.
Homer, I'm sorry I tried to help you control your weight.
(sighs) I'm not sure of anything anymore.
Sorry I ever opened my mouth.
Marge, it's not your fault that you can't win against a superior being like Albert.
(slurps) Mmm.
But, Marge, I don't want you to ever stop caring about me.
How can you follow a leader who won't even get up out of his chair? Marge, I believe you're forgetting America's greatest wartime wheelchair-bound leader: Professor X of the X-Men.
It's not that Professor X wouldn't get up, it's that he couldn't! Well, I'll show you who can get up! (triumphant music playing) (footsteps thudding heavily) (roars) That's right! I don't need this scooter! All of you, follow me to the future! (groans) Oh, dear God.
Stick a forklift in him, he's dead.
(laughs) (organ playing solemn music) I've never written a eulogy before, but this time, I did.
Unfortunately, I left it at home.
Thanks, lady.
What Albert taught us is that all people have pride and no group should ever be insulted.
He knew what was important was how you lived your life every day.
Till he was taken from us too soon, at the age of (whispering) Twenty-three?! People, for God's sake, join a gym! (crowd murmuring) Kumiko, would you still love me if I lost weight? Much more! (sighs) Marge, I'm sorry I was proud of myself.
That's not really what I was It will never happen again! Now come on.
Let's walk home.
Absolutely.
Can I ask you something? What is it that keeps you with me? It's because everything you love, you love so much.
Because you love me, I will not stop yo-yo dieting till I get it right.
Oh At last.
Well done, Dad.
You finally reached emotional maturity.
Unlike Bart.
Bart's very mature.
Take it from the little boy in his tummy.
Now, when do I get to be the head again? Soon.
It's always "soon.
" Whoa! (horse neighs) Oh.
I wish I had said that earlier.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  My Fare Lady
The Simpsons s26e14 Episode Script
My Fare Lady
(8-bit synthesized version of theme song playing) (electronic bell dinging) (synthesized whistle blows) (blipping) (rapid blipping) (synthesized jazz playing) (synthesized saxophone playing) (blipping) (blipping) (synthesized horn honks) (tires screech) (bell dings) (synthesized scream) (synthesized meowing, barking) (theme song ends) ( The Jetsons theme song playing) Here's Homer Simpson And the problem child (jazzy sax solo plays) Hip daughter Lisa Marge, his wife ( The Jetsons theme song ends) (computer printer buzzing, scratching) HOMER: Marge! Stop that crazy thing! I've printed out our driving plan.
If we work together, we can get Bart to his sports, Lisa to her music, and Maggie to the five birthday parties she's invited to today.
I'm not spending my precious Saturday chauffeuring those overprivileged kids to a better life than I ever had.
I need a ride to Cub Scouts.
Why are you asking me? Is your thumb broken? (screams) (tires screeching) Have him back by Father's Day! Homie, are you dressed? You have soccer setup in 20 minutes! Homie? (phone ringing, Homer gasping) Moe, quick-- beer me before I answer the phone! Ah, the first pour of the day.
Let me just tie on my apron, limber up the old tap-pulling arm (grunting) (phone continues ringing) Ooh eh I need it now! (gulping) (sighs) Hey, Marge.
I'm supposed to help drive the kids? Oh, man, I wish I knew that sooner, but I just had a beer.
You're already drinking at 8:00 in the morning? How much have you had? (whimpers) Come on! Whoo-hoo! Off the hook! (sighing): Oh, looks like this is all me.
HOMER: Yeah, while you're at it, can you pick me up some beer? Oh (siren wailing) Well, we've got an hour.
Who wants coffee? Okay, but I'm buying.
No, no, I insist.
I'm stealing.
(revving engines) (engines roar) (tires screeching at every stop) (engines roaring) See you at the bake sale, sucker! So Sideshow Mel is drinking here all afternoon.
When I show him the tab, he says he left his wallet in his other skirt, and he pays me with this.
Hey, this is a ticket to see Laney Fontaine.
She's the brassiest broad on Broadway! She's funny and vulgar and full of Hollywood stories, like, uh Jimmy Stewart was a super-nice guy.
Oh, geez, now I want to go.
Why can't ya? I can't close down the bar on a Saturday.
That's when you guys can drink, 'cause you're not working for three days.
Hey, Moe, I'll take care of the bar.
You did me a favor today.
Huh well, okay.
Uh, let me just show you where everything is.
Uh Shotgun, shotgun shells, blood mop, bag of lime and that's it.
Now, boys, I gotta get dressed for the, uh the-a-ter.
(laughs) And done.
Dare I say it? Yippee.
Oh I didn't know we could decorate our cars.
No, no-- it's a "Here to There" smile.
When that's on my grille, I'm getting paid to drive people around.
So you're a taxi? No (laughs) no, no no.
We're a social-media-based ride share service.
We bring the "fair" back to "fares.
" Those aren't air quotes.
My fingers start doing that after they're around the wheel all day.
Mm.
Well, I drive all day, and I don't get paid a thing.
With the money you make, I could buy a fridge with an ice maker.
(laughs, gasps) (moans) (laughs) Do you want to work for us? Sure! Are you over 23? (giggles) Yes.
And are you under 80? Yes! You're in! Oh! What the? When I was a young car, I didn't sit around smiling, like I had nothing better to do.
(humming) Man, Moe's barely got two nickels to rub together.
(murmuring) I know a way we can make this Moe's biggest Saturday night ever.
How does Moe make money if ladies drink free? That's the beauty part.
This place is about to be filled with guys buying beers, hoping to meet ladies.
(chuckles) Brilliant! Oh, and thanks for telling me what the beauty part of it was.
So they pull out my gall bladder, zip me up.
I grabbed a cab, tapped my understudy and said, "Not tonight, honey.
" And here's the song I killed 'em with.
(audience whoops, applauds) If this isn't love The whole world is crazy If this isn't love Who's this Patrick Swayze? (laughs) She changed the lyrics! For me! (dog howls in distance) Then came the bombs: Tobacco Valley, What Color Is Your Tambourine, and The Smell of Music-- but I'm still here.
And I'd like to dedicate this song to the one great love of my life, the man who was my third and fifth husband-- but you never know what the future holds.
Oh-ho! (dance music throbbing, lively conversations) Huh.
Not a man in sight.
We got the Cheery Red Tomatoes, a bachelorette party Ooh! Lady Duff! I am woman, hear me pour! Oh, yeah! There's no guys! We haven't made any money.
Not yet, but at least we're hearing some interesting conversation from those two book clubs.
Well, we thought The Heaven Lover's Club was rich and spiritual.
We thought it was maybe a little slow.
Oh, well, maybe I can liven it up for ya! (grunts) (screaming, clamoring) Let me help you up.
Ow! MOE (moaning): Oh, yeah.
Uh, okay, stop here, please.
So this is the charming tavern you've been telling me about.
Yep, nice and cozy and Wha? (gasps) My crap hole! My precious crap hole! Anyone tries to stop me, and you'll see her lovely bones all over the floor! This is nuts.
Tell me you still work, Love Tester.
(buzzing) Oh, I'm ruined! Sorry, Moe.
I love losers, but only after they've bounced at the bottom.
'Cause I'm the brassiest piece of sass In this whole damn town! Hyah! You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age! (sobs) []Hey, come on, all is not lost.
This coaster's fine.
(howling) You are not my friends.
To me, you're just mouths drinking beers.
You can't mean that! We don't look at you that way.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry for snapping at you guys, but but I'm ruint! I have to live on my savings here.
All right, who rubbed my nickels?! Hey, wait a minute-- we can get you a job.
There's an opening at the nuclear plant, 'cause of that guy that defected to North Korea.
Good old Dae Ho.
Used to give me the pickles off his sandwich.
And all I had to do was let him copy some keys.
Moe, can you pass a background check? Um Eh Er, uh Eh Sure.
Well, then, you're in.
How far do they go back? Six months.
Okay, I'm gonna apply in a week.
(text alert chimes) Whoa, Mom! Someone wants you to give them a ride.
At last! I'll earn money for schlepping.
Well, your mom has a job and my dad still doesn't? Just wait till winter comes, son.
There'll be driveways to salt! Long, long driveways.
Thanks for the lift.
It's nice to know I can get a ride without having to put out.
You're welcome.
You know, if you really want to get your belly button pierced, go see a professional.
I'm ready for you, babe.
(clacking) I'm gonna have this done properly, at a kiosk in the mall.
I'm Shauna.
Welcome to Springfield Nuclear, Szyslak.
We'll start you off in Janitorial, but there is room for advancement.
Hey, I sure appreciate this, fellas.
What you guys did to me, then for me, I'll never forget-slash-forgive, so thanks a lot.
Also (angrily): thanks a lot! What's for dinner, Mom? I-I'm-I'm sorry, but I'm not your mother.
Hey, I'm the one payin'.
Fine! There's meat loaf.
Mmm! What's meat loaf? Left left, left! Left Left, left! Left, left! Eh left! Flamingos turn pink from eating shrimp.
Cats have over a hundred vocal cords.
The Golden Gate Bridge is the longest span between two towers.
Why are you telling me all these things? Isn't this Cash Cab? No! Oh! It's never Cash Cab.
Oh Faster! Eh, slower.
Hard a-port! Disco Stu says hang a "U"! Make a Louie up here at the Stop sign! Blood bank! Girl with big punching bags? So, for the love of God, get me to Mexico! Hey, swabbie, you've missed spots there, another one there, and there! Every other spot is be-grimed! It's called a checkerboard floor, ya unwrapped mummy.
You're f Sir the NRC is here for a surprise inspection.
We are gonna search this place from top to bottom.
(shrieks) That's where all the problems are.
I'll handle this, uh You're the head inspector, huh? Yes, I am.
How come, on your badge, you got a mustache, but now you're not wearing one, huh? Oh, I was Freddie Mercury in a Queen cover band, but, uh, then I got demoted to Brian May.
Yeah, well, I'm thrilled for your musical career and everything, but, uh, we got no way of knowing that this is you.
I mean, we gotta be careful here.
This is one of them, uh, highly sensitive joints.
It'll take me weeks to grow that mustache back.
Or years, to get a new badge! Yeah, well, that's your problem, ain't it? You will see us again, in God knows when.
Young man, how do you fit such brilliance into such an ugly, ethnic head? Well, if you own a bar, you either keep it clean or learn to deal with inspectors.
And Moe don't clean.
Interesting attitude for a janitor.
What say we make you the new supervisor of Sector 7G? Me, a supervisor? I feel like I overdosed and went to heaven! (laughs) Those smart cars are cutting into our business.
We used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts.
(splutters) I come to America to drive taxi.
Now my cab sits empty, like Sochi Marriott.
Well, boss, the main problem is Marge Simpson! She's prompt, courteous and a joy to ride with.
How do you know so much? Oh, she, uh, drives me to work every day.
And unlike the rest of you cowards, she's not afraid to parallel park.
(laughing, whooping) Whoa, fellas, that is not acceptable.
This is a nuclear plant! (grunts) Huh.
No one was in there.
Look, Moe, the least you could let me do is anything I want.
All right, let me be honest with youse.
After all the money this plant lost on that nitwit, Elon Musk, they're looking for cutbacks, so I've been going over your record.
(whimpers): Oh! Yeah, the only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here was holding up a sofa that was missing a leg.
Well, that's the logic-- where's the affection? Well, as supervisor, I can't fraternize with the, uh, uh, what's the word? Scum.
Anyway, because I am your friend, you are safe.
But you're gonna be reassigned.
Smithers, "what profit a man if he gain the world, and lose his soul?" Seriously, I need an amount.
In round dollars.
(knocking on door) Plant watering guy.
Yes, yes, go ahead.
Uh, and be careful with the Venus flytrap.
All right.
They say you catch more flies with honey.
I say, with flytraps.
(muffled): What do I do now? Just lean into it.
It'll be over soon, one way or another.
(muffled): Oh, all right.
D'oh.
'[]Hey, guys, you mind if I join you? They ran out of Beaujolais Cru in the executive dining room and I ain't drinkin' white with my coq-Au-freakin'-vin.
I think I'd rather sit somewhere else.
Yeah, I'm gonna take my lunch back to the core.
Now they won't even have lunch with me? Well, you know, people can kind of act like they're in grade school.
Oh, now you gotta throw your grade school education in my face? You know, Moe, you're a real jerk! I didn't mind so much when it came with beer! I don't need youse! I'm all the company I need! Heh! Oh! Oh! I just lost my appetite.
Marge, which can makes me look cooler-- the Drizzler or Mr.
Drip? (Marge groans wearily) Aw, your leaves are drooping.
Here, let me turn that gloom into bloom.
(whimsically): Dee-Dee, doo-doo, doo (moaning with satisfaction) Homer Simpson! Working with those plants is great! It's helped you get in touch with your feminine side.
Feminine?! (shrieks) I didn't mean to use that word! I-It's okay to have a feminine side! It's good, in fact.
Oh It was rainin' hard in Springfield I needed one more fare to make my night I got a push notification on my smartphone Passenger ahead, race: white.
Mind if we drive in silence for a bit? Whatever you want.
(sighs heavily) (groaning dramatically) I asked if there was somewhere I could take him He said, "Just drive me, Lady Blue" I said, "I've had my share of unhappy fares" He said, "I sure miss slingin' brew.
" Moe, I think we'd both be a lot happier if we quit our new jobs.
You know, I think you're right there, Midge.
I'm gonna build my bar back up, better than ever! (hearty chuckle) How hard can it be, eh? Oh, God, this is so much worse than I remember! So, you drop off your lover and go back to stealing our jobs.
He's not my lover.
Let the man speak! Medallions! Air fresheners! (gasping) Step away from the social-media-enabled, peer-to-peer ride share platform.
(shouting fearfully) Now, promise me you'll leave her be and wipe down your backseats annually Aw, come on! (gunshot) Okeydoke.
Now beat it.
Uh, I think it might be time to hang up the old beaded seat cover, there.
Yep.
And I know a place that could use this smile.
Whew! It's sure great to see you jerking our suds again, Moe.
Yeah, I figured out that the best way for me to get along with most people is to be kept behind a two-foot trunk of solid oak.
(chuckles) Looks more like poplar to me.
Why, youse correcting me on my knowledge of wood products? Don't you slide me down the bar! (thudding) So good to be back.
Oh, shut up.
[]Well, I'm back where I belong, eh? You're not alone anymore.
What the hell was that? Oh, you'll find out.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  The Princess Guide
The Simpsons s26e15 Episode Script
The Princess Guide
D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (whirring) Mmm.
Paper jam.
Okay, Dad, I'm ready for Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
How come there's never a Take Your Son to Work Day? 'Cause boys are already on track to get all the good jobs.
The Dirty Dozen? All guys.
Twelve Angry Men? Uh, men! The X-Men? Mostly men.
(Bart and Homer laugh) Good one, Dad.
Yeah.
Well, despite all that, today's going to be fun, Dad! Will there be lots of other girls there? Just a few.
For some reason, there's been a lot of infertility at the nuclear plant.
After we show you the wealth of jobs in the steno pool, a hearty luncheon of bison with lake beaver will be served.
GIRLS: Ew! And upon leaving, you will each receive a piece of orangewood to bite down on during childbirth.
(chuckles) Excellent.
(person applauds) It's getting harder and harder to maintain my sunny disposition, Smithers.
Oh, you're always my ray of Shut up.
Dad, what does that do? I don't know.
Who's that guy? I don't know.
Where do those pipes lead? Not sure.
Is it called the cooling tower because there's Not my department.
How many kilowatts are? Look, sweetie, would you like to go to the cafeteria and get some ice cream? How many kinds are there? Curse that Elon Musk! Thanks to that Earth-smooching buttinski, I'm on the verge of bankruptcy.
All I have left are the clothes on my back and the clones in my freezer.
I had to replace my beloved hounds with teacup poodles.
It's pathetic.
Watch.
Release the hounds.
(barking) (chuckling): Aw.
No.
Help.
Oh, stop.
Oh, spare me.
And all I got from Mr.
Musk was an electric car, which I charge by stealing power from my nosy neighbor.
Hey, dippily-do, neighbor-oni! Stupid Branson.
But I have a new scheme that will undo the terrible damage done by my other schemes.
I have an appointment with a Nigerian King to negotiate a uranium deal that will put me right back on top.
Huh.
Nothing can stop you, sir.
But, uh, not that you're not at the top of your game.
Uh, what if you don't get the deal? I'll just have to sell everything and move to the South Pacific with you.
What a grim fate that would be.
And with your omelet, would you like the fried potatoes or the mixed berries? I'll have the berries.
Ah.
A terrible fate indeed, sir.
Oh, no.
My almond milk leaked all over everything.
Dad, do you have anything I can eat? Hmm? Oh, uh, I will turn this corn chip into a wonderful meal, using my greatest skill-- lunchroom trading! Shut your eyes.
("The Thieving Magpie" by Rossini plays) Pretty impressive, Homer.
But what about the presentation? The eyes taste first, then lips, then palette.
Then the body's harshest critic-- the colon.
(Rossini's "Thieving Magpie" plays) Okay, sweetie, open those baby blacks.
(gasps) Wow, Dad.
(giggles) Thank you.
Ooh.
Welcome, Your Majesty.
Mr.
Burns, I don't know what you have heard, but I do not eat monkey brains from a skull.
Oh, this is for me.
Before we begin, I have a favor to ask.
(sucking through straw) My daughter is traveling with me.
Hello.
She is my true treasure.
During our complicated negotiations, I need someone to look after her, keep her out of trouble.
Hmm.
That man is the perfect choice.
What?! Sir, that's Homer Simpson.
You forgot that he's the most incompetent (both laughing) Homer Simpson would be perfect.
Simpson, all you have to do is babysit the princess-- keeping her in this hotel room during the negotiations.
Babysitting, eh? What do I know about kids? Homer Simpson, I give you Princess Kemi of Nigeria! Watch that girl like a hawk.
(screams) Princess, why'd you put on that coat? You're obviously cold.
May I escort you to the radiator? No.
I want to go out.
I'm 25 years old.
(phone ringing) Uh, just a second.
Hey, Marge.
Yeah, I'm working late.
Yup, special project.
Lenny said you were babysitting, and if you are babysitting, why can't you do some at home? I could use a night out.
Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter.
If I start watching commoners, the tongues of the court will be awag.
Really? Awag? Really? Well, if you think that (beeps off) I want to go out and see the America whose greatest cities I've only seen destroyed in movies.
I see.
You want excitement.
Princess, have you ever heard of Studio 54, CBGBs, the Roxbury? Yes! I've dreamed of All gone.
But in their place, we have All awesome.
Sit down, and I'll show you.
So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant? He's called "The Bachelor.
" Please let me go out.
All right, Princess.
I'll take you to a place that's fun with a capital "F.
" (grunting) Moe, this is Kemi.
She's an honest-to-God princess.
Ah, really? Hey, tell me something.
I heard that Queen Elizabeth in person is actually not that funny.
I am from Africa.
Wow, Africa.
I had a good friend who really wanted to go there.
So, uh, you speak English there? I speak five languages.
(sputters) Nobody does.
(speaking Portuguese) (speaking French) (speaking Spanish) (speaking Japanese) Uh, which means what? "I don't wish to show off.
" Yeah, that's pretty good there, uh, but don't expect me to bow and scrape.
Uh, well, I'll give you one scrape.
Yeah, that's it, Majesty.
Notice I didn't say "Your.
" (laughs) Oh, they don't make them like you in Nigeria.
Nigeria? Homer, can I speak to you in private? (grunting) Can I try it? Ah, you got to be mad at something.
Well, I'm mad I'm not doing it.
Okay, I'll tell you why I'm mad.
A few months back, I got an unsolicited e-mail from an actual Nigerian prince.
The prince needed to transfer $40 million out of the country.
He offered to split that with me if I paid the five grand for the transfer fees.
HOMER: And you gave it to him? MOE: Yeah, I did.
I was sure the guy was on the level because of his bad spelling and grammar.
Now, guess how much of the $20 million I saw? $8 million? Ze-ro.
Get out of here! If Kemi there is a Nigerian princess, her brother just might be the Nigerian prince that took my money! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, Moe, I'm Kemi's guardian.
She and I are going back to the hotel now! (gasps) She's gone! And she trashed my bar! Oh, no, wait.
She actually cleaned up a little bit.
Yeah, good for her.
(panting): Chief, thank God! I was drinking at Moe's, and I lost an African princess! Lost African princess, eh? Well, lucky for you, she just happens to be in the back of my cruiser.
Yes! The prayer I forgot to say has been answered.
What the? You're going straight to the drunk tank, rummy.
"African princess.
" (distant gunshots) Chief, I just saw someone robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart! Oh, now African princesses are robbing the Kwik-E-Mart, huh? Get in the car, booze bag.
Chief, I have been shot in the shoulder! In the car! What is this, St.
Patrick's Day? Why, this is terrible.
Can't even think of anything to mumble to myself.
That's how upset I am here.
Hello.
First of all, I wanted to pay.
Also maybe I wanted to talk more to you? Really? Okay there, Moe, you got to get to the brother, because he knows what my PIN number is, and I forgot.
Yeah, duly noted.
Uh, so, Your Tootsieness, tell me about your family.
Got any aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters brothers? I have a brother.
Yes.
One.
I see.
Now, Moe, don't jump to conclusions.
A lot of people have brothers.
Does he have a computer? Yes.
MOE: It's him! HOMER: Guys, thanks for bailing me out, but I still have a huge problem.
Well, till we find her, maybe we could get somebody to pretend to be her.
You know, get a nice wig and a dress.
Oh, no, I am not dressing up like an African princess.
I am not! I am not! I am not! Thank you for listening to my objections.
Well, you were really vehement.
(phone ringing) Uh, hello, Simpson.
Just checking up.
May I speak with the princess? Um, yeah, sure.
Uh (high-pitched Southern accent): Hello, this is the princess.
I'm with Homer Simpson, and I do declare he's wonderful.
Oh, that's right, I'm from South Africa.
Fiddle-Dee-Dee.
(laughing): Well, sounds like everything's going just the way I want it.
Yeah, so all my money's tied up in this "jernt.
" Can't even afford elocution lessons to teach me how to pronounce "joint.
" I guess I could do it online, but, uh, what's the "pernt"? (laughs) What-What's so funny? I thought my English was perfect, but you make me feel even better about it.
(chuckles) Eh, usually people that tease me get thrown out on their ass.
But, uh, your sayin' it made me feel good.
Geez, I sound like one of those guys in them Rom coms that play at the theaters next to the theater I'm in.
Heh.
So, uh, what's a "princessess" like you, uh, do all day, huh? A lot of spinning wheels and witches treating you like crap? I read.
Are you familiar with the books by my countryman Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart and No Longer At Ease? Hey, you guys got real optimistic literature there.
(giggles) Fair comment.
(yawns) I haven't eaten all day.
Well, don't eat those eggs! Uh, we don't know what kind of bird they turn into.
But there's a string cheese or something in the fridge in the back.
Uh, help yourself.
All right, after she eats, I'd better close up.
(yawns) Oh.
Come on, pal.
(grunts) Come on.
That's really stuck there good.
Ah, I can't be mad at her no more.
Good night, moon.
Good night, broom.
Good night, jukebox that won't play a tune.
Good night, eggs.
Good night, dregs.
Good night, bugs crawlin' up my legs.
Good night, beer.
Good night, mice.
Good night, princess who treats me nice.
Yeah.
(yawns) So my offer for one ton of your uranium is a goat.
Will you stop offering me that? I come from a modern nation of 90 million people.
Two goats.
You are starting to insult me.
All right, let's cut to the chase.
My board has given me permission to go up to 12 goats.
(grumbles) How about here, sir? Looks good to me.
I'm so sorry I pretended not to be gay for all those years.
Well, better an old queen than never a queen at all.
(chuckles) Pay attention.
My last offer: Okay, but no dogs disguised as goats.
Oh, great, here comes the haggling.
Well, well, look who's up.
Heh.
Uh, Princess, I'm gonna do something for you I've never done for anyone in this bar.
Call you a cab.
No.
I want to spend time with you.
I want to see this town.
Do you mind ridin' a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist? I don't.
To the scooter store.
And after you eat the soup you can eat the bowl or you can put "kerns" in it.
What, uh, whatever you like.
I have a confession to make.
This is my first montage.
Just relax and enjoy the music.
Moe Szyslak.
This is the part of the fairy tale where the princess goes back to the hotel and watches TV.
Come with me.
So where are we headed, dude? Just go and go fast.
Okay, um, usually I do kind of a funny take on an airline pilot greeting the passengers.
You know, like, "Hey.
Thank you "for flying Air Kevin.
If you look out to the left of the pedicab, you" Just move the pedals.
Whoa, sounds like the tower has cleared us for takeoff.
We're tryin' to escape that guy.
Well, dude, as long as he can run, he can beat us.
D'oh! So, anyways, the place that I really feel the pedaling? It's my legs.
Okay, all right, we're safe.
Actually, I wanted to go back with him.
I don't want to get my father mad, O.
Go back? But I didn't show you the place where Dave Grohl got mugged.
I have to leave, but I still had a wonderful day.
MOE: Thank God I shaved my forehead this morning.
(gasps) A paparazzo.
Please don't send that.
If my father sees it, it will ruin my life.
Well, thanks for making it so easy.
And you have the 20 million goats? Two, now.
on delivery.
Very good.
Um, shouldn't we see how the princess is doing before you sign, Your Majesty? What are you talking about, Smithers? (phone dings) (gasps) I can't even trust you to watch an impetuous adult who does what she wants.
The deal is off.
SMITHERS: Wow.
After spending my life serving others, I'm finally gonna get what I want.
Uh, uh, sir, there may be a bright side.
There's never a bright side.
SMITHERS (chuckles): He's almost mine.
Yes, you've torn that up, all right.
Father, I want to explain.
I was a young woman who wanted to see the world, and this kind man has shown it to me.
And stolen your heart.
Eh, well, that's what I do.
Uh, sorry, but there ain't no off switch for this.
(laughs) He has not stolen my heart.
Wha?! Why has he made the ancient tribal sound of confusion? I think he is a sweet, sweet man.
But when I kissed him on the forehead, it was not romantic.
More like when Snow White kissed Dopey.
Oh, no, no, not this comparison again.
I'm sorry, Moe.
I don't love you.
But I really like you.
Well, daughter, even though you have done nothing seriously wrong, first I will tear this contract one more time.
(grunts) And as for you, your punishment will be Uh, may I speak to you, Majesty, father to father? A woman has allowed you to sire her children? There was beer involved.
I have two daughters.
And I've learned you have to let them go their own way.
Even the one-year-old.
Majesty.
And the older one, I can't tell her what to do.
And she's only 12.
Eight.
See what I mean? Always an argument.
But the thing you have to remember is that you have to let them be who they are because you love them.
I am not convinced.
Uh, because you want them to grow.
Still not convinced.
And because you can't strangle a girl.
That makes sense.
Oh Come here, daughter.
Oh, father.
Little girl, let me give you some advice.
Never dream big, because it will blow up in your face.
You're talking to the girl who wants a career in jazz.
Oh, poor thing.
So the good king's cheap uranium will allow me to sell you expensive nuclear power.
Everyone wins.
Yes, yes.
Princess.
Can you tell us about the man you kissed? MOE: Uh, yeah, I'll field that.
Uh, yesterday, a local man "may or may not" have given a tour to a certain princess, who, uh, one assumes, turned all his thoughts of revenge to love and then love to respect.
And yesterday, a certain princess may or may not have seen much of your world with a certain man, and she certainly might be eternally grateful.
Oh, this is vague stuff.
Vague stuff! I did not think this through.
Moe, before I left, I just wanted to give you these examples of our most beloved, albeit depressing, literature.
Ah, some nice bedtime readin'.
Fun premise.
I'm laughing already.
Really not cheerin' me up here, but, uh, let me offer you the only literature in this bar-- sure works for me, though.
This coaster.
I will treasure it.
Well, I guess you'll pine forever for a man who doesn't care, while I just grow old here in this bar.
Yeah.
Here's to suffering in silence.
Oh.
Mm.
Can't wait to see those numbers hanging from my rafters.
(sighs) I can't believe it's been three years since Smithers left.
Man, have I been aging badly.
But I guess I can finally wash this forehead.
Oh, divine.
(doorbell ringing) Oh, God, what do you want? Well, neighbor, now that your streak of rum luck is at its end, I have a favor to ask.
It involves charity.
I've set up the Virgin Earth Challenge, a $25 million prize to eliminate greenhouse gases, that I was hoping you would add to.
Where are the hounds when I need them? They're on a free Virgin Galactic flight around the world.
Can you go five blasted minutes without saying the word "virgin"? That's another Virgin Challenge.
That I will not be Virgin taking.
Virgin.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Sky Police
The Simpsons s26e16 Episode Script
Sky Police
(snoring) Chief, there's a sniper down in the warehouse district! Let's roll! Sniper? Ah, um, well, you know how I love to roll, but, uh, my wife ordered a new dust ruffle for our bedroom, and, uh, she had it shipped to the station.
If I'm not here to sign for it, they'll take it back to the package place, and that is a whole nightmare.
Love you guys.
(sighs) (grunts) (sighs) Uh, yeah, I got a delivery here for, uh, Clancy Wiggins.
"Wiggins"? N-N-No, it's Wiggum.
Wiggins? That's not even a real name.
What's a Wiggins? No, really, tell me.
Wh-What is that? Okay, so you're not Clancy Wiggins who ordered this, uh, Skymaster X5000 Jet Pack.
Jet pack? Of course I'm Clancy Wiggins, you idiot! "Chief Clancy Jetpack.
" Wow.
Well, boys, justice has a new name-- up.
Uh, Chief, it says here you need to take a 40-hour training course and get certified before you can legally I'm not the police anymore.
I'm the Sky Police.
(grunts) Okay, okay.
I think I got it.
No, I got it, I got it.
WIGGUM (to tune of "Baby Face"): Sky Police Chief Clancy Wiggins is the Sky Police A floating future cop, Sky Police Fly, police Squash perps on their heads They won't know why they're dead Sky Police In my jet pack, I'm flying high above the law I'm just like Superman Powered by great big fans I'll kill you all I'm Sky Police.
Ugh, why don't you take that thing off, Chief? It's starting to smell.
What, so you can steal it and be Sky Police? Oh, no.
No way.
I'm Brigadier General Clancy Wiggins.
Apparently a military-issue jet pack was mistakenly delivered here while I received this off-brand dust ruffle.
Um oh.
Well, there's only one floating future cop who can find that missing jet pack-- the Sky Police.
This is the end of Sky Police.
(screams) You were the wind beneath my ass.
Stupid church.
Why would Jesus want us to waste our weekend on extra boring, no-recess, dress-up school? Exactly.
The dude was a carpenter.
And those guys like to kick back on Sundays.
(chuckles) And I mean kick back.
Guys, church is good for your souls.
And remember, God is listening to your prayers.
What percentage of prayers really come true? Well, not all of them.
Like, um, 90%? God doesn't hear my prayers.
If he did, I'd be at home on the couch playing video games in a diaper.
Oh, God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like e-mail updates from LinkedIn.
I hope no one was hurt.
So no church? (gasps) My prayers were answered.
(sighs) Boom.
Don't worry, Reverend, according to your policy, your church is covered for everything but acts of God.
But we believe everything that happens everywhere is an act of God.
My jiminy, you're right! We're off the hook! Hey! Those Cornell men at the head office are gonna be doing the Saluki Strut tonight! Go Southern Illinois! ALL: Saluki Strut! So we have no money to repair the church.
And developers are itching to build on our land.
Fast-casual dining downstairs, live-work lofts upstairs, and as an anchor store-- a chain pharmacy.
(gasping) Why, it's a mixed-use nightmare! This building is the heart of our community.
We have our weddings here, our funerals.
Our fun runs begin and end here.
I will not rest until it is rebuilt.
I can't believe it, but the church is going to have to ask people for money.
Who keeps putting pickle slices in here? I think I can help you get the money that you need.
But you don't go to our church.
Granted, I do not share your faith, but the yahoos in this town need a church to deliver weekly reminders not to steal-- from me.
And not to take a life-- my life.
Yar, without organized religion, I've lost me moral compass.
Also I've, uh, I've been addicted to Oxy for a while now yar.
Yar.
Now, this is what I have got in mind.
I will whisper even though we are alone.
All right, people, Marge has brought this heathen to aid us in our time of need.
Please do not call me a heathen.
It offends Hanuman, the monkey-headed lord of winds, who believed the sun to be a ripe mango Okay, I get it, I get why you say it.
Apu thinks we can get the money at the casino playing blackjack.
(gasping) The casino?! Blackjack's for suckers.
My brother? He used to own three Arby's franchises.
Lost 'em all at the tables and gave himself a shotgun tonsillectomy.
But you told me Uncle Stevie moved to Okinawa.
What I told you was to wait in the car.
No, no, you can beat the house.
By counting cards.
I myself have done it-- when I was a student at MIT, the Mumbai Institute of Tantric Sex, where I was recruited by a card-counting ring.
I won enough money to buy fake SAT scores I used to get into the real MIT, where I failed every class and was kicked out and had to move to Springfield.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Am I hearing this right? Is the church council truly considering gambling? You know, Ned, the Bible never explicitly condemns gambling.
Biblical folks were always playing games of chance, like, uh, drawing lots.
(gasps) Leviticus drew lots.
Joshua drew lots, Nehemiah.
Even the apostles were lot-drawers.
(gasps) If gambling's okay, then I'm getting health insurance for the kids.
Card counting is not gambling.
It is math.
And it's not even against the rules.
Exactly.
If you are caught, you cannot be charged with any crime.
The worst they will do is beat you with a phone book or break some fingers.
But what is a little pain if your church is to be saved? It is all good.
Counting cards requires absolute focus.
You must ignore all casino distractions.
(slot machines ringing over stereo) (all coughing) And beware of cocktail waitresses with free drinks and eyeball-height cleavage.
They're not attractive, but you cannot look away.
Freshen your drink, hon? Who had the Scotch and soda? Cocktails.
Cocktails.
Another one, hon? You, what is the count?! (stammers) Get your head in the game, Mel! Now remember, for this legal- but-frowned-upon scheme to work, we must have complete secrecy.
Do not tell anyone what you are doing.
Not even Homer? (sighs) Homer is many things but not a good accomplice.
If he gets involved and this scheme fails, what happens to our church? (dance music plays) (all groan) Oh, even I saw that.
I guess I can't tell Homer.
I'm leaving for my fund-raising meeting.
Don't wait up.
Why are you church-Os getting together so late? I'm asking because I'm supposed to care about things.
Well, to raise money, we're putting on a revue.
Well, you can't go wrong with a revue.
Skits and songs? (chuckles) I'm entertained already.
Yeah, so, uh I'm going out to rehearse the revue.
Go.
Go make magic.
You just go.
(chuckles) Revue.
APU: Card counting is simple.
All sit at different tables, betting low, playing hand after hand, counting in your head how many high cards are left in the deck.
Ignore all distractions.
(stammering) When the count is high, you have a "hot deck," and the odds are in your favor.
Then you use a secret signal to call in "the Closer.
" The Closer bets big, wins bigger, and the casino never suspects that it has been the victim of a morally acceptable screw job.
But use caution-- there are eyes everywhere.
Sooner or later, the casino will catch on.
And that is when you must flash the "get the hell out" signal.
LOVEJOY: What a haul.
MARGE: Ooh.
One more night like this, and we'll be able to fix the church in style.
What a rush-- it got my blood pumping in a way I thought only quiet reflection could.
Fizzy water for everyone.
I think we can do something a little harder than that.
Mmm! Now, that's a marshmallow-y s'more-garita.
Homer, Homer, we did it.
(mumbling): Wh-What'd you do? We're going to save the church.
I feel like celebrating.
B-But but it's not on the calendar.
Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow, I get to tell everyone why.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
and 2:00 a.
m.
steak? Night-marriage rules! (sighs) I guess nothing gets the heart pumping like a church revue.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, the revue.
Oh, I got so many questions.
What are the skits about? Uh, pop culture and current events.
How do you transition between scenes? Hard blackouts or spotlight fades? Uh, both.
Nice.
You know, it wouldn't be a revue without songs.
Tell me about one.
Okay, uh, there's a song about, um how Democrats and Republicans can't get along.
It's called, "Cats and Dogs.
" (laughing): Oh.
You got yourself one hell of a show, Marge.
One hell of a show.
(sighs) Okay, okay, don't get cocky, you rapture-waiting baby-baptizers.
You had one good night, but now the casino is on to you.
They're not going to let you anywhere near those blackjack tables, unless you wear these.
MARGE: Disguises? I'm worried our scam is becoming dishonest.
Relax, Marge.
If God lets the Jews have Sunday on a Saturday, he'll be cool with this.
Why, I bet the Lord is pleased as punch that we're using that dirty casino money to rebuild his temple.
Our mission is LOVEJOY: Where has this been all my life? (Helen and Mrs.
Skinner moan) I could be Sideshow anyone.
I'm telling Mom about how the school freezer broke, and they had to cook all the Tater Tots, and the teachers took the extra Tots home in manila envelopes.
I'm telling her! You never let me tell.
Mom, the freezer broke and Cooked all the Tater Tots, Cooked all the Tater Tots.
and there were too many Tots, Too many Tots.
and there were manila envelopes, Manila envelopes.
and the teachers took them home BOTH: I hate you! MARGE: Okay, Mel.
I'll be at the casino by 10:00.
Meet me at the lounge by the J.
Geils cover band.
Mom, why are you going to a casino? Are you a hostess? Actually, my friends and I are using a system to win money to save the church.
I can't believe you're gambling.
It's not gambling.
It's math.
Is Dad in on this takedown? It's not a takedown.
And I haven't told him about it.
Yet.
But it's okay for you guys to know because you're finally grown-up enough to be trusted with adult information.
Yeah, we are grown-up.
I know how much to tip a waiter.
I go on hikes with my friends where we talk about our problems.
I'll tell your dad everything in the morning when we have the money.
But until then, I appreciate you keeping this very grown-up secret.
(sighs) Dump that money on the bed.
I'm taking a Franklin bath.
(imitates gargles, laughs) Yeah Dear Lord, thank you for granting us the gift of rationalization to allow us to scheme and swindle so that we might honor you.
Amen.
MARGE: Homie.
Homie, I can finally tell you how we really got the money.
(chuckles) Homie? (phone rings) Uh, Marge? Some casino guys have me, and they want the money you took from them or else.
(gasps) This is all my fault.
Just tell me one thing, Marge.
Why did you lose faith in the revue? I mean, "Cats and Dogs" writes itself.
Cats and dogs on Capitol Hill They don't get along and never will Cats and dogs, squabbles never ending Even with so much legislation pending.
Homie, how did you end up at the casino? Well, I was taking a moment to enjoy my after-dinner night cap Dad, Mom trusted us with a secret.
But she hasn't come home yet, and we're worried she's in trouble.
(burping): What?! BOTH: Mom's counting cards at the casino! Oh, if anything happens to Marge, (gasps) we'll all be orphans! (gasping) I'm coming for you, baby.
Have you seen this woman? Have you? Have you seen my wife? This is your wife? Do you know where she is? Uh, we'd like to ask you some questions in our "beating room.
" All right, as long as it's just questions.
Reverend! Reverend! They took Homer! Why are you still dressed like that? Um, well (chuckles nervously) HELEN: Oh, Asphodel Your corpse bride is getting cold.
Uh, one second, Belladonna.
Helen and I have found that, uh, these new personas have been quite liberating.
Was that a woman's voice? Send her in.
(throws up) If we don't give back the money we won counting cards, the casino people are going to hurt Homer.
Okay, uh Tiny snafu.
I've already given the money to the contractor.
Then we'll just have to ask that contractor to give the money back.
(laughs) Give the money back? (laughs) Hey, Jerry, Th-they want the money back.
La dama azul quiere devolver El dinero.
(all laughing) Are you gonna put my head in a vice? We don't do that-- we don't even have a vice.
We just want the money your wife stole from us.
Stole? How is counting cards stealing? Well, it's not really stealing.
Is it even cheating? No, but it's just not allowed.
I don't get it.
Football players can do the quarterback sneak and baseball players can steal bases.
Why can't I just remember which cards have been played? I can't take any more of this guy.
Get the vice! I knew you had a vice.
I knew it.
(grunting): I knew it.
I knew it.
I'm sorry, Marge.
Maybe your husband's suffering was all part of God's plan.
God's plan? God isn't some video gamer up there controlling us like we were Pac-Men and Dig Dugs.
God isn't Sky Police.
God didn't do this.
I lied to my husband.
And made my kids lie, too.
We did this.
She's right.
We thought we could enter the den of sin and emerge unscathed, but we were scathed.
Those free ginger ales at the casino, I-I didn't declare them on my taxes.
(grunts) I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place.
Put on a revue? (grunts) (groans) MARGE: Dear Lord, I don't have anywhere to pray anymore, so I've come to your new temple-- here.
Um, I don't know if you watch us all the time, or if we're just like an ant farm you got for your birthday and left on the shelf, and every once in a while, you check out what kind of crazy tunnels we've built.
Maybe we got it all wrong, praying for you to give us things we selfishly want.
Maybe prayer is just taking a moment to tell yourself that there is good in the universe.
And I'm going to sit here and focus on that good, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get my husband back.
(gasps) I'm Doug Blattner, COO of the gaming and resorts division of Stuffers Italian Foods.
My family loves your microwave lasagnas.
It's not my division, but I'll tell Bill Kelley you said so.
Your unsanctioned religious gathering has caused a marked decrease in gambling activities.
HPMs are down that's hands per minute.
IAMs, GDCs-- they're all down.
I want my husband back.
Hmm, let me run it by Jennifer Yang.
Oh, wait, she's on maternity leave.
Don't worry-- I'm sure Chuck Bennett will sign off on it.
We are going to release your husband.
See, Marge, someone up in the sky did hear your prayers.
They sure did-- casino management.
(grunts) You are free to leave as long as your faith-based card-counting group never return to this or any other river or maritime casino.
No deal! But we don't need to come back.
We saved the church.
No! An injustice has gone on here for too long! I'm not leaving this casino until you stop punishing people for counting cards.
They're just playing the game by the rules.
(people cheer) (shouts) Homie, after all this, do you still believe in God? On a beautiful night like tonight, how could I not? LOU: Next week on Sky Police (chuckles) "Sky police" Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Waiting For Duffman
The Simpsons s26e17 Episode Script
Waiting For Duffman
(humming) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (grunting) (grunting) (grunting) Huh? Ay, caramba! (chuckles) I haven't ridden a bike since Lance Armstrong was a good guy.
Geez, Lis, you're riding the girliest bike in the world.
Ooh, I stand corrected.
(hums) Hey, dipwad, bikes only.
I need to pay my water bill.
Not on motorized transport, you don't.
What you need to get is out of our way.
Yeah, bikes win again! (train toots) Trains win again! When will you people give up your dependence on handlebars? Quite a Schwinn-dig, eh? Shut up, biking Flanders.
(bicycle bell dings) Chief, no, don't go in the doughnut shop! Your pants are too tight! Oh, I'm just gonna eat one little Drinkers, if you go on the wagon, make sure it's the Duff Beer Wagon.
Oh, yeah! Duffman, how about a 21-thrust salute to America's military? My hips are proud to honor our endless war.
One, two, three (cracking) Ow, God! Something's wrong with Barry.
Never use my mortal name in public.
I have very troubling news.
(chuckles) Duffman is undergoing hip replacement surgery.
Now, Barry will be fine, but as of this moment there is no Duffman.
(gasping) They came for Joe Camel, and I said nothing.
They came for the Frito Bandito, and still I said nothing.
So what are you saying now? About what? (humming) (groans) (humming) KENT BROCKMAN: Duffman, the man, has retired.
But Duffman, the idea, endures.
Authorities are unsure whether the empty bottles are a beautiful tribute or just drunks too lazy to find a trash can.
Either way, the Duff Corporation announces an open televised competition to find out who will be the next Duffman.
In other news, the Chinese land on Mars.
Also, no more elephants.
Now, for more cool, refreshing news Marge, what would you think if I tried out to be Duffman? I know why you want to be Duffman.
It's so you can drink free beer and get shnockered all day.
Sure, I admit I get "shnockered" once in a while.
I might have been "lacquered" from time to time.
I may have, how you say, had a subconjunctival hemorrhage.
(chuckles) But this isn't about that.
Then what is this about? Marge, if I died today, the obituary would read, "H.
Simpson, father of three, extra pallbearers needed.
" Being Duffman would give me another line.
Okay, sweetie, you can try.
Great, but it won't be easy.
I got to start practicing now.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ow! (theme music playing) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, your hostess, the inescapable Cat Deeley.
Are you ready to find out who will be America's next Duffman? Yes, Cat, yes! A million times, yes! America's next Duffman will be selected by the planet's foremost experts in the field of party starting-- best-selling electronica artist, Der Zip Zorp.
Former Duff Girl and current senator from Oklahoma, the Honorable Missy LeBeau.
I look reasonable, but I'm not.
And billionaire Mumbai entrepreneur, Rajneesh Superstar.
Bottle service, ballers! (audience cheers) Now let's welcome the Chairman of Duff Industries, Mr.
H.
K.
Duff VII.
Thank you, Cat.
I just want to say, if we can't find ourselves a Duffman out of this group, then maybe we'll just give up on the concept.
Brilliant! Now, let's find our Duffman.
I'm coming up So you better get this party started I'm coming up Oh, yeah! My two favorite words aside from "Seacrest passed," can I get an "Oh, yeah"? Oh, ja.
(crowd jeering) Oh, yes.
(jeering) Ach.
NELSON: Haw-haw.
Vo-de-oh-doh-doh.
(jeering) Oh, yeah! (crowd cheering) I'm coming up So you better get this party started I'm coming up So you better get Did you miss me? Like Mexico misses California.
It's down to two.
And before revealing our results, former Duffman, Barry Huffman, is here to wish you luck.
I was told there would be morphine.
Oh, yeah.
Homer, any last thoughts on what Duff means to you? Without Duff, I wouldn't have have brought three beautiful children into the world.
That's right, man.
We're beer babies.
AUDIENCE: Aw (groans) The judges are conferring.
(discussing) We have our decision.
Karma is in the house, dawg! Homer, your words were beautiful.
That is exactly why you're America's Next Top Duffman runner-up! (cheers) (groans) The real winner is America's new hero-- contestant number 12! (dance music playing) (making alarmed computer noises) What is it, Der Zip Zorp? Olde Ogdenville Ale? He drinks a competitor.
Reverse the confetti.
And check the fat guy for tattoos.
Just one that says "Marge Madness.
" These reality shows really leave you no privacy.
Well, I guess that makes this guy Duffman.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, do I get the confetti?! One confettus.
Ow! I mean (whoops) I mean, oh, yeah! (squawking) (squawks) That's how we'll tell the trades you got the job.
Seems awfully overproduced.
Just take the oath.
Night gathers, and now my Duff watch begins.
It shall not end until my death.
Or my 13-week option is not picked up.
I shall take no wife, hold no lands, and father no children, except for the wife and house and kids I'm already stuck with.
I shall wear no other beer's crowns.
I am the six-pack hidden in Daddy's secret cabinet.
I put the "fest" in Oktoberfest and sell for eight bucks at ballparks, though I have nothing to offer but my suds, head and beers, and promotional cozies, for this night and all the nights to come.
MAN: When life looks hopeless, it's not.
Duff Beer, feeling no pain Made from Canadian rain Tastes like nickel champagne It will tickle your brain Duff Beer, feeling no pain Made from Canadian rain.
And here's a painting of my ancestor Ichabod Duff, crossing the Duffaware River.
Ah, hell, this is all BS.
Duffman was a fascist icon my grandfather repurposed 'cause he couldn't get the damn rights to Woody Woodpecker.
Mr.
Duff, can I ask what's in this safe? Little lady, inside that safe is the formula for Duff itself, known only to three people-- me, Condoleezza Rice, and my brother-in-law Terry.
And the combination is not known to any human Uh, what the? "Schlitz plus water.
" Why don't you kids run off and play in the bottle cap pit? Don't cut yourselves! Mr.
Duff, I want to say something.
I'm proud of my husband, but I'm not sure if this is something Homie should be doing.
Just what do you mean? Well, aren't you making him a superhero so that beer looks cool to kids? (laughs) Uh, Marge, let me tell you a little something about beer.
Do you know why man stopped running around, lassoing mastodons, and became civilized? No.
So he could grow hops and make beer.
It's true.
Oh.
Our beer has helped people celebrate weddings.
Enjoy a good game.
Ease the pain of a lost loved one.
That's the tradition your husband will inherit.
Geez, now you make me want to drink it.
Attagirl, have a designer bag.
Now, Homer, there is one thing we needed to do in private.
Okay, what? Ow! Hey, that's not my butt! We've injected a chip in you that detects the slightest presence of alcohol in your blood.
You see, Duffman cannot drink.
(laughing): What? That's funny.
I thought you just said that Duffman can't drink.
(laughs) But that would be crazy.
They all fight it at first.
(laughs) You wouldn't tell Batman he couldn't eat bats.
When you're Duffman, you're at work, Homer.
You wouldn't go to the nuclear plant drunk, would you? Uh Well, uh My husband won't have any problem not drinking.
Yeah The only reason he wanted to become Duffman was to be respected and beloved.
Uh And what better way to do that than to be stone-cold sober? (moans) When my husband put on that costume, he didn't just put on a sleeveless shirt that says "Duff" on it and a cape for some reason, he put on responsibility.
And boots that I don't think will hold up in the rain.
But the point is-- it's not about being drunk, it's about being someone.
You're right, Marge.
I will do something no one has ever done-- be fun sober.
What a crisp and refreshing attitude.
Hey, this stuff is pretty good.
Mmm, foamy Marge.
(babbling) Uh, that's the chip.
No drinking.
I was licking my wife.
Can you believe they put a chip in my arm, and I can't drink beer? Ah.
Ah, gee, tough break.
Maybe Moe could dig it out with a corkscrew.
Yeah.
Oh, I would love that, Homer, I really would.
But then Duff might take away my neon sign, and, uh, it's the only thing lighting the bar.
BARNEY: Whoa, creepy.
(Bart and Lisa laugh mischievously) Stop shooting those at each other.
Relax, honey, no one's ever been killed by a T-shirt cannon.
Oh, no, it's the 5:00 blahs.
CLOCKS: Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Help us, Duffman! (laughs heroically) (screams) Drink Duff! (crowd cheers) Care to team up with Fruit Batman? I'm thinking of dumping Kid Sourpuss here.
I'm a hero.
Oh, I can see my obituary now.
Wow.
Wow.
COMMENTATOR: Watkins putting for the championship.
It's breaking towards the hole.
Time to move from the links to the drinks! (cheering) Well, if you guys like commercials, you're gonna love this.
Wait, we never said we liked commercials.
Drink, drink Let the toast start May young hearts never part Drink, drink, drink Let every true lover salute his sweetheart Drink, drink, drink to H.
K.
, this new Duffman is driving sales straight up.
Turns out, men like men who look worse than them selling them beer.
Why did it take us 142 years to discover this? Because executives are incompetent, sir? Well, then why do I have so many? Studies show when a decision is made by a group, everyone feels more confident, even though the decision could be incredibly stupid.
Is this true? (affirming) Can't argue with that.
What do you guys think? (affirming) Did I hear a no from section C-72? Oh, uh, no, that was a, uh, "whoa!" (chuckling): Oh.
Give the whole lower bowl a raise.
Uh, welcome aboard, Duffman.
Fair warning now-- at the end, I just might ask for an autograph for my son.
Here you go-- they're all pre-signed.
With nicknames.
Buddy, Sport, Tiger, Red.
Uh, give me a "Red.
" I'll start calling him that now, and then give it to him on his birthday.
Now, where to, sir? Oh, this is a romantic night.
How about everywhere? All right.
Navigator, set a course for everywhere.
Where the hell is that? I said everywhere! Now, Homer, look through the beeriscope, and gaze upon the wonderful world that you and Duff have created.
Captain, it never dawned on me beer could have such a dark side.
You must be talking about new Duff Stout.
Take us down.
I have to think.
To be honest, you said you wanted to go everywhere.
So we ran out of fuel an hour ago, but I didn't want to disappoint you, so I will toss down a tow rope.
Hey, come here.
Man Uh this is not good.
(sighs) Marge, do you ever worry that you made a giant mistake in your life? Oh, um I need a little context.
Not drinking beer has given me the clearness of mind to realize drinking beer is bad.
I've got to undo what I've done.
Hey, how you doing? Is this the most outrageous party you've ever been to? (cheering, affirming) Well, guess what.
You've all been served nothing but nonalcoholic Duff.
(spectators gasping) BARNEY: Then why am I throwing up right now? As Duffman, I had the power to switch the beer trucks working this race.
(screams) So you see, you don't need beer to have a good time.
Join Duffman today in saying, "I've had enough of that life-ruining Duff!" Why the hell did you do this? Because Duffman is a hero.
And with great taste comes great responsibility.
Well, "hero," here come your fans.
(shouting indistinctly) (yelps) (engine starts) So long, suckers! (laughing maniacally) What the?! So long, suckers! (Homer laughing maniacally) What the?! It's a circle.
So the answer is-- go in reverse.
So long, suckers.
(Homer laughing maniacally) What the?! I'm not sure how many more times we can watch Dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically.
As a family therapist, I can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need.
Why is Lisa talking to an empty seat? See you next Tuesday, Dr.
Schulman.
Oh, right.
You're in Maui.
(whimpers) Hey, my beer.
(screams) (panting frantically) (gargling) Get him back in uniform.
Hmm.
Homer, now, listen to me.
You're in a stadium surrounded by people who want to kill you.
They don't have the guts.
Ow.
Now, there's one way out of your hell.
Prove you still love beer.
Drink this with gusto.
B-But the chip.
There never was a chip.
It was all the power of suggestion.
You tricked me! And I trusted you after you snuck up and injected me without my consent.
Just drink the beer, pretty boy.
Whatever you do, you'll be my hero.
Now you're pushing it.
Homie, it's time to go.
Come on, come on.
Give me the beer inside you! This place seems even sadder than before.
Uh, yeah, well, I kind of gloomed it up a little while you were gone.
Nothing to see here, sunshine.
(sighs) (slurring): H-Hey, y-you used to be Duffman.
Can I get a picture with you? (gasps) I finally made it.
I'm a has-been.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Ah, let's make it official, eh? Aw Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Sir, may I interest you in a French hazelnut latte and an Iggy Azalea CD? I'm not here for three-buck coffee.
I'm here to ask you to be Duffman again.
And to use the bathroom.
I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
Fine, can you tell me where your travel mugs are? Yeah, over there.
Come on, Barry, I know it's you.
Sorry, H.
K.
, I traded in my beer goggles for coffee-grinding pince-Nez.
Are you telling me you don't miss the big time? The girls on the side, the corporate jet? There's talk of an animated series.
Duffman would like a job where he could phone it in.
You just called yourself Duffman.
Duffman never took off his tights! Let's go, girls! But we're managers here.
They learned the register better than me! Oh, yeah! I see it as kind of a-a triumph of-of doing your work from that very pure place of-of just doing stuff that you, uh, personally enjoy.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Peeping Mom
The Simpsons s26e18 Episode Script
Peeping Mom
(Marge groaning) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (sizzling, popping) (groans) Excuse me? I'm having trouble with the on-off button on my phone.
Okay, let me check your settings, your photos.
I don't see why you need to do that.
Wow, that guy's really fat.
That's my husband! Oh! Let me talk to another salesman.
Oh, I'm not a salesman.
I'm just a guy in a blue shirt.
Oh! Okay, Maggie, from now on, we only talk to people at stores with name tags.
I've said it before, but this time, I mean it.
(tires screech) (gasps) What happened? Oh, someone snuck into the construction site, stole a bulldozer and went joyriding all over town.
(cat meows) Don't worry.
I have a suspect.
Ha! (gasps) I can't stand to see anything suffer.
Now I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means and opportunity.
You also have no evidence.
That's implied! So, I'm remanding him Is that a word-- "remanding"? Yeah, uh, to your custody.
Maybe a mother can find out what a police chief can't.
(phone chimes) Hmm? What? Oh! Let's go.
Monarch butterfly, earwig, roly-poly, doodlebug, beer cap, ant, beer bottle, Barney.
All right, I'm on a list! (dog barking) (gasps) Flanders got a new dog! (barking) Aw, what's her name? Mahershalalhasbaz.
We just call her Baz.
Now it's time for her Christian doggy training.
This will be interesting.
Sit.
Kneel.
Pray.
Play dead.
Now resurrect.
And sit in glory at the right hand of Todd.
Finally, a religion that makes sense.
All right, Mr.
Smarty, what went on back there? Mom, why is it the only time you call me smart is when you're being sarcastic? Really? Do I do that? Because I really shouldn't.
You're the one in trouble here, bub! Why don't you think about what you just did? Why don't you think about what you just did? Hmm.
I will live with that forever, but this is about you.
I swear to you on my mother's grave, I didn't do a thing! Sorry, sorry.
So, the Flanderses got a new dog, and it knows my name! Good for you, little girl! Marge, Bart, I've noticed neither of you have said a word all meal.
Are there feelings going unexpressed here? Because if there are I believe someone at this table isn't telling us the truth.
Master Bart Simpson! Kids, could you excuse us for a moment? Your mother and I need to have an adult conversation.
What'd he do? What'd he do? (laughs) Your son stole a bulldozer.
How do you know? - A mother knows.
Does a wife know things? - Yes.
(shrieks) I believe we were talking about Bart.
I'm afraid I don't know how to handle him anymore.
Oh, Bart's ten.
He's too old to be handled.
We should just think of excuses for when he goes bonkers.
Oh.
"Acne medicine.
" When in doubt, blame the acne medicine.
No, I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.
The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loincloths for me! I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.
Bart, get in here! Look me in the eye and tell me you know nothing about that bulldozer.
I know nothing about that bulldozer.
MARGE: This is bad.
He can't tell his mother what he does.
Where will that lead? (with Irish accent): Any last words, boyo? I know nothing about that bulldozer.
Give him the juice! (electricity crackling) (laughs) Which one's yours? The one being electrocuted! I've never seen an eyeball pop so fast.
I wish I could tell you about that bulldozer, but how can I explain something I know nothing about? I am not cable news.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop lying right now! But-but you have to believe me.
You're my mom! All right, I will believe you on this.
Smart.
But until then, I'm going to keep my eye on you.
All the time.
All the time? How are you gonna change Maggie? Ah, close enough.
OTTO: All aboard.
Mom, what are you doing? I told you, to trust you, I have to watch you.
All the time.
Mmm.
You're gonna be riding this bus? I'm going to be watching my son wherever he goes.
Then you'd better go out the back, 'cause that's where he went.
D'oh! (barking) Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog.
I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.
Homer, meet Baz.
(barking) - (laughing) Oh, sorry, Flanders.
I'm sure she has fun with you.
(laughs) She sure likes you.
Must be the cheeseburgers in your sweat.
Cheeseburgers in my sweat.
Really? Now, apparently, I have cheeseburgers in my sweat.
I can leave any time, Bart.
Just tell me what happened with that bulldozer.
Next question.
- Fine.
Which papers on the walls are yours? None of them.
Is that the boy who copies off you? I copy off him?! What brand of poppycock is this miscreant feeding you, madam? Okay, Mom, I admit it.
There's a few lies I told you that you're gonna find out.
Simpson, you said your mother was dead.
(groans) She's become a zombie! Run! (humming) Mom, churros are good for you.
They're ethnic.
Hey, Simpson, you need your mommy to cut your carrots for you? He can cut his own carrots.
Baby carrots 'cause he's a baby! (laughter) Brilliant! Mom, Dad does plenty of stuff you don't like.
Why don't you follow him? Following an adult is creepy.
Following your kid is parenting.
I'm so lucky my mom's in Gainesboro, Florida I think.
Is my mom still outside? She's swinging on a swing, and Ralph's pushing her.
RALPH: Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! I am never leaving this tube.
Sorry, lad.
You've been in more than five minutes, so I've got to remove you.
And I'm authorized to use the greatest weapon at me disposal.
(playing "Highland March") No! Scotland! 1,200 years, and we've only written one song! (resumes playing) (loud gulping) Man.
(gulps) Staying on this all-pork-chop diet is easier than I thought.
That diet doesn't work.
You have to give it a year.
So, how was school today? Well, actually, I caused quite a ruckus in the nurse's office by pointing out they weren't putting fresh paper on the lay-down table.
Very good, sweetie.
Could you lean back? I have to focus on your brother.
Sure, sure.
No need to worry about Lisa.
Lisa's always fine.
No worries there.
Nah.
(scratching sound) (barking) Aw.
What are you doing here? I bet you escaped, and now Flanders is worried sick.
I should call him after I scratch your tummy! That's right! Who likes their tummy scratched while Flanders is worried sick? You do! You do! Yes, you do! Oh, he doesn't know where you are.
(laughing): Yes, he's probably crying right now.
(growling) Come on, boy.
We'll go to my room.
I can play jazz, or give you a bath, or (sighs) Never chooses jazz.
Hmm? (grunts) - (groans) Middle child.
No one cares about the middle child.
Never, ever gonna change.
Lisa, can I talk to you? Oh, here it is, the quick check-in every two years just like clockwork.
All right, let me speak to you in a language you'll understand.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, Lisa never gets it.
She's great, and everyone knows that.
Oh, man, trying to stay mad.
I'm kind of impressed that Dad's making an effort.
It's not really like him.
I shouldn't say this.
I should never say this, but I will.
She's my favorite child.
Oh, now he's pulling out the big guns.
Oh, I don't want to pout anymore.
If he offers me ice cream, I'm gonna break.
You want some ice cream? (whoops) - Yes! Ice cream.
Oh, yeah, it's kid whiskey.
I knew he was gonna break.
I'm gonna write a song.
That makes them happy, and the best part is Is there such a thing as happy blues? There is now.
(whoops) I get some ice cream, too.
(Homer laughing, dog barking) Boys, isn't that the ball that she won't play with? She likes it when Uncle Homer throws it.
He's not your uncle! So that means I can marry Maggie? Quit asking me that! (rustling in brush) Be ye friend or foe? Well, be ye? (sighs) This is the only place I can go my mom doesn't know about.
Bart, you know you're always welcome to come stay in my tree house.
You don't have a tree house.
My dad's gonna build it.
That's why I didn't get a present from him last birthday and Christmas.
It's gonna be some tree house.
Milhouse, you don't even have a tree.
He's gonna plant it soon.
He just has to get enough money together to buy a pack of apple seeds.
Just hand me the Mountain Doo.
Your mom says that makes you bloated.
Give me the damn Doo! Finally safe from my mom.
She wouldn't want to come way out here and ruin her dainty little shoes.
(loud rustling, booming footsteps) (yowls) When she's got that much hair spray, nothing can stop her.
How'd you find me? Spool of thread in your pants.
I'll respool it for you.
I'm good at doing things so I can pretend there isn't a fight going on.
Mom, you have gone too far.
Superman's mom would never go in his Fortress of Solitude! Actually, the Fortress of Solitude has a statue of Superman's mother.
Stop reading my comics! I can't help it-- you leave them out everywhere.
When will you leave me alone? When you tell me about that bulldozer.
I know nothing about that bulldozer! Milhouse, is there something you know about the bulldozer? Well, I know the bulldozer was invented in 1923 by James Cummings and J.
Earl McLeod.
Now, please, let me focus on the thread! Got to get out.
Get to get out.
HOMER: D'oh! Dad, are you gonna snitch on me? Moe's before bros! (quietly): Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mom.
Whoopsy.
(silence) (engine grinding) Hmm? Oh! (dog growling playfully) "Property of Ned Flanders"? That means you got this from Homer.
Lord, I truly love this dog, but maybe she'd be happier next door.
But I don't want to give her up unless you think it's the best.
As always, I will interpret the lack of any sort of response as a sign of thy will.
(sad sigh) Well, the kid passed through again.
We can all go inside.
Nice rowing, Bart.
Good job.
Stop caring about me! (panting) Sweetie, let me help you up.
Your nagging is melting my bones.
(whining) (continues whining) Okay, fine! I'm giving you one more chance, buster.
Tell me about that bulldozer! What bulldozer? You're in charge of yourself.
Get home whenever.
My parenting stops now.
Oh.
Okay, now.
(sighs) At last! A way off Lepers Island! Oh (gasps) Boys, I realize now that Baz would be happier in another home.
So we're giving her to Ho Ho Ho We're giving her to Santa? No! Someone fatter.
Oh, I'm sorry, boys, that you had to hear that mild insult.
Mild insults are like mild salsa-- they still burn! (quietly): Bart, should I shut the door? No need.
My mom's cool now.
Check it out-- last night, I stayed up till 10:45.
Oh, my God! BART: I took a picture so I could show everybody.
Now let me show you what I've been planning.
(Ã  la Mayor Quimby): Er, uh, welcome to our celebration of, er, uh, our city's lame-o sign.
You nailed him! "Fie"? Yeah.
Look it up.
"Used to express disgust or outrage"? (gasps) That's the worst F-word there is! Bart, I'm not butting in anymore, so you don't have to hide things under your blanky.
It isn't a blanky anymore.
Hasn't been for three months! So, we want you to have our dog.
You just give her love, and I'll pay for all the shots.
Shots? What, is she going to India? Bye, Baz.
(barks) (sniffling) HOMER: Aw, geez, I can't stand to see Flanders sad.
Or happy.
Pretty much can't stand to see Flanders.
But he'll need something to cheer him up when his boys run away.
You know what, Flanders? I think you should take her back.
Homer, don't be crazy.
Look at that tail wag for you.
Have you seen what it does for me? No, no, no.
To her, I'm just another dog.
A dog she's in love with but can never have.
But she's only got one of you, Flanders-- the guy who will take care of her forever.
Oh, thank you, Homer.
This has been the happiest dog day afternoon ever.
Aw I'm still not sure-- did you do that bulldozer thing before? You were there.
Maybe when I hit you with the blade, you forgot some stuff.
I was trying to get your attention, but it was heavier than I thought.
Well, no one fought more than Cummings and McLeod when they invented the bulldozer.
Even the name "bulldozer" was a great source of Aah! Bart, I can't do this.
No offense, but I have a mother who still loves me.
QUIMBY: We come here today to honor this sign, which was purchased, letter by letter, from other failed towns.
Huh? Aw, stupid Mom.
Stuck something in my backpack.
Typical.
Oh, man, she makes good chicken.
You're the best boy a mom could want.
I've failed as a mother! I'm growing a conscience! I've got to change this prank.
Much better.
(creaking) Our iconic sign is aquiver! (nervous chuckle) Everyone remain calm.
This is a part of the show.
(quietly): VIP's, follow me.
Much better.
I don't seen nothing wrong.
Better to die a VIP than to live as an ordinary American citizen.
SKINNER: It says "F-D.
" It's a tribute to the fire department.
(crowd cheers) The chili-cooking saints of the city! It's true-- we do love our chili.
The secret is stirring it.
I'm a huge fan.
That's why I wear suspenders and start little fires here and there.
(panting): Mom, Mom I learned there's a line I won't cross, and it's 'cause of you and your chicken.
That woman does make convincing chicken.
You're the best boy a mother could want if you tell me about the bulldozer.
All right.
It was me.
(gasps) Why, you little (quiet grunting) (chuckles) Yeah, harder to strangle than it looks, isn't it, Marge? Oh And you're under arrest.
How'd you figure it out? I heard you say it.
The only way I solve any crime.
You don't have to stop hugging.
(coughing) So you see, Mom, because of the wrinkled lay-down paper in the nurse's office, I got mono.
You really should've kept your eyes on that ball.
Oh, all these problems.
You kids are like whack-a-moles.
Oh, that reminds me.
Maggie hurt herself playing whack-a-mole.
Aw.
Come here, you.
Come here.
I know I've been having my fun elsewhere, and no one could blame you if you didn't take me back, but if you'll have me, I'll take you on the longest walk of your life! No hills.
Dogs-- so easy to make up with.
(theme from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly playing) (meows) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  The Kids Are All Fight
The Simpsons s26e19 Episode Script
The Kids Are All Fight
Oh, for gloyvin' out loud.
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing harp solo) (playing harp solo) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Well, this is a no-brainer.
(whoops) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! (groans) Now what? (screams) (sighs) Well, I better get going.
Should I just put that on your tab? No, I'll pay off my bill.
Hmm? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Someone's actually paying? Now let me see if I remember how to open this thing.
Some kind of button or knob.
(bell dings) So that's what that noise means.
Just take your stupid money.
Huh? Hey, this jacket's full of old stuff.
I knew I wasn't getting my money.
Hey.
D'oh! Losers.
What the? Oh.
Ooh! Here's a roll of film I never developed.
Well, too late for that.
All those photo developing joints are either knocked down or have been turned into deer blinds.
Eh, listen, Homer.
Uh, I can develop this for you.
Yeah, this bar is so poorly lit, it's legally a darkroom.
Mmm mmm.
And the best part is, Duff is chemically indistinguishable from developing fluid.
Way to go, Duff! I'm developing quite a thirst.
Now, there's an eight-by-ten I can enjoy.
(squeals) Here you go, Midge.
I played with the colors and changed the lighting, but I could only make your kids so cute and no cuter.
This is so exciting.
It's like a sneak peek into the long-forgotten world of six years ago.
Yeah, well, beware.
These pictures show that six years ago, Bart and Lisa were fighting like creationists and common sense.
(gasp) Hey, photos don't lie, my friend.
(worried groaning) Would you like a matte finish? Sure.
(Moe chuckles) There you go.
And I know if I don't I'll go out of my mind Better leave her behind With the kids, they're all right The kids are all right The kids are all right.
Homer, you shot all these pictures.
Why didn't you step in? The light was so good, Marge.
It was like Florence in May.
I don't get it.
How come I was always fighting with SeÃ±orita Stupid? (groans) Don't waste beer.
And how did we reach the uneasy alliance we enjoy today? Well, it's quite a story.
A story of a special bond between a brother and a sister.
I'd say our story is a tragedy.
Like the Planet of the Apes.
The tragedy being they can never stop making them.
Hey, come on.
The first and eighth movies were pretty darn good.
Now, as for you kids, it all began six years ago.
The president of back then was the president.
The popular music of those times was all the rage.
Wherever we went, you kids fought.
"Penny the Penguin wanted to go to the North Pole.
Wally the Walrus wanted to go to the South Pole.
" I guess you could say they were "polar opposites.
" (groans) You see, they're polar opp I get it.
It's just not funny.
You know what's funny? This.
Goodnight Moon? Good night, Bart! (grunting) (groans) Did I hear someone whispering hush? (worried groaning) (whispering): I want you to get out.
And stay out! (whispering): Thank you.
So that's why we started going to story time at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Remember when Apu let Dad have the expired hot dogs? (groans) Just once, and I'm still taking medication for it.
(groans) So many photos of you kids fighting.
That's why we never developed that roll.
What? Back to that story? Why can't you just relax and be nice to your sister? My bed scares me.
That's ridiculous.
Now, just close your eyes and nuzzle in under the big clown fangs.
Attaboy.
Sweet dreams.
She took my pencil.
Lisa, there are plenty of mini golf pencils in the kitchen drawer.
Tell Bart, because it's my pencil and he stole it! (grunts) Starfish head! I can write your name better than you.
(humming) (groans) (over speaker): A.
Ow! E.
Ow! I.
Ow! O.
You jerk! Ow! Why, you little ("Also Sprach Zarathustra" playing) (angry groaning) (choking) (chuckles) Where is he learning this violence? (sighs) Things got so bad between Bart and Lisa, I was losing sleep.
(gasping) Homer.
Homer, I just had the worst dream.
I lost one of the kids at the World's Fair.
It's okay.
Which one? Brisbane '88.
(gasps) That's so horrible, baby.
I know, I know.
Now, don't worry.
They're right here in the bed.
(sleepy grunting) We have to find some answers.
(scoffs) Answers.
That's your answer for everything.
My findings are that one of your children is smart and good, and the other is dim and evil.
Professionally, I'm not permitted to say which is which.
Is it the boy? I told you, I can't say.
BART: What did that say? We're done here.
Not so fast.
We have 40 minutes left.
All right, we'll do a trust exercise.
Shut your eyes.
What are we going to do? It's not so bad, sweetie.
I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room.
The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.
(groaning) (grunting) Watch it! Trying to mow.
The city's making me do this.
Hey, neighboreeno.
(groans) Maude and I know how hard it is to be dealt a pair of little jokers.
Daddy, may we please go tuck ourselves in for naps now? Now, you know you can't tuck yourselves in till you're 18.
Go get Mommy.
(humming happily) I'm sorry you had to witness that.
Me, too.
Anyway, Maude and I thought you'd like to hang out with adults and have some mature conversatiaroonies, so we'd like to take you to brunch.
Brunch? I wish.
Can't get a sitter 'cause our kids are nuts, and no kennel will take them.
Now, sir, don't you waffle on that brunch.
Grandma Flanders can watch the kids.
Hello, Joe.
Doesn't know who I am has trouble moving I'd say we have ourselves babysitter.
I just turned a hundred.
Eight bucks an hour.
I can't hear you.
I said seven bucks! (over speaker): "Woe to you, scribes, Pharisees, hypocrites.
For you tithe mint and dill and cumin.
" Todd, I like how gentle you are with that toy.
Enough nonsense.
It's time for prayers.
I don't know any prayers.
Is "hell's bells" a prayer? 'Cause Daddy says it all the time.
(screaming) (Homer humming) Woop and woop and ziperoo.
(moaning) I never said this before, but the food can wait.
(gasps) What do you mean? Let's role- play.
Okay, but fast.
Um, um, got it.
Uh, me: seagull.
You: boardwalk trash can.
Ooh! (cawing) Well, isn't this a great chance to drink more water? My bladder's going to burst.
I know you've haa few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk.
She's awfully quiet.
Her body usually whistles.
Well, this always wakes my grandpa up.
(both scream) (continue screaming) HOMER: Another bride Another June MARGE: Another sunny honeymoon Another season Another reason MARGE: For what we're doing.
(Homer caws) They're never that happy when we're around.
(lullaby chimes) BOTH: Ice cream truck! Mmm, that was wonderful.
My favorite kind of weekend morning.
A sexy snuggle while our rotten kids are someone else's problem.
(laughs) (laughs harder) (gasping laughs) Bart, those are strangers.
You're right, let's go where it's safe.
(horn honks) MAN: Watch it! (horn honking) Faster, faster.
Your brother is stupid.
Bye-bye.
The wheel I'm inside goes round and round Round and round, round and round The boat I'm on board goes up and down Up and down, up and down Thank you for a wonderful brunch.
I don't know what I liked more-- the personalized omelets or the light jazz combo.
I liked when the trumpet player's cheeks got really big.
That's good music.
(Ned gasps) (screams) Grandma Flanders has passed.
Where are our kids? Gone.
Looks like once Grandma turned to dust, they took a powder.
Sorry if that seems a little flip.
(hyperventilating): Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Don't worry, sweetie.
We'll call the local police, and they'll find our kids.
We never used them till now, but I'm sure they're highly competent.
Gunderson, before we hire you, one final test.
Can you get these handcuffs off of me? Uh, might seem like a one-time situation, but it's not.
(telephone rings) Hey, you know, I used to represent Silver Star Police Supplies.
Then they gave my territory to the owner's nephew.
And they wonder why they lost Jackson City.
I was Jackson City! Yeah, focus on the cuffs, please.
Well, well.
Look who's burning plastic.
It's mine.
Give it back.
Looks like someone hasn't learned-- you don't argue with bullies.
Thank goodness I have a teaching fist.
(laughing) (Lisa crying) What's her problem? Please, don't hurt my brother.
Aw, come on.
Don't cry.
This is why I'm so nervous about becoming a dad.
(snorts, cries) I'm crying out my nose.
(snorts, cries) Fine, you babies can go.
Let's go over to Mommy & Me and cut holes in the parachute so it doesn't billow properly.
(laughs) Baby! All right, let's move.
Why aren't you crying? I was pretending, and it worked.
Hmm.
You know, kid, with your smarts and my Barts, we make a good team.
What are "Barts"? You're the smart one, you figure it out.
(nervous groaning) I sure hope this book is right.
(door opens) HOMER: Marge, I'm back.
Sorry, nothing.
But if we have a third kid, we should call her Maggie.
Why Maggie? It's a good name if we lose her.
Maggie? Maggie? Going back out.
Maggie? All right, I'm turning to a desperate mother's last resort.
(sighs) I hope it works.
Psychic hotline.
Selma? You're a psychic now? I'm filling in for a friend.
She got hit by a car.
Never saw it coming.
(groans) I'll never see my kids again.
I'm sensing it's all your husband's fault.
That'll be $20.
(groans) I know this place.
It's where Grampa and his friends the monsters live.
(creepy moaning) (moans) I want to pinch 'em.
Teach me how to use my phone.
Stay away from my grandchildren, you love-sucking ghouls.
(moaning like zombies) (muttering) Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I made it out of clay.
(moans) Where did you go? Now, you have some candy, while I tell the nurses station to go get your folks.
(snoring) I guess you should be in charge, Lisa.
You'll always be half my age, but you'll always be smarter than me.
Don't worry, Bart, you'll always think you're in charge, even though I secretly will be.
Thank you.
Okay.
Listen up, you childless losers.
I need you to help me find my kids.
Any of these them? Hmm? Uh no.
Sorry, kids.
I'll place you with your parents, but for now, go back to making those little drink umbrellas.
CARL: Homer, we'll definitely help you, but, uh, you're gonna have to wait.
We just ordered a pie for the bar.
What'd you do that for? Yeah, it took us 45 minutes to choose a topping.
We decided on cheese.
Twice! A new record.
We're lost.
Can you help us? I'll tell my dad about you right now.
Dad! Dad! Dad! Cartoons.
Milhouse, keep it down.
I got to finish these tax returns.
Ooh, cartoons.
(suspenseful music, cat yowls) (explosion booms) Whoa! Big dog! Big dog! Big dog! Big dog! (barking) (barking continues) I'm scared, Bart.
Once, I read a book called Jack and Jill.
They went down a hill.
And broke their crowns! Good thing we don't have crowns.
"Crown" means head! Ay, caramba! (screaming) Ta-da! I saved you! Ugh! But you pushed me! Duh.
I couldn't save you until I pushed you.
Girls make no sense! Anyway, we're even-Steven.
I just don't want to fight anymore.
Okay.
But it was always your fault.
Fine.
'Cause you're a jerk.
(grunts) Can't you see I'm giving in? (singsongy): I beat a two-year-old, I beat a two-year-old.
(gasping) I left my kids with the weirdo next door, and now they're gone! Tell me everything.
(gasps) Homer, no! (shrieks) (pants) I'd give anything to have them back.
I don't care about the fighting.
Hey, chatterbox, there's a couple of kids right there at the top of the tire fire.
(both gasp) How did you get up there?! You know how kids like to climb things.
What are we gonna do?! They say you're supposed to get great strength when your kids are threatened.
I'm kind of feeling it.
We just bought them new shoes.
(fierce roaring) You did it, Homie! (both yelling) (both grunt) Ah Ah (screams) (gasps) (bed creaking) (lullaby chiming) Ice cream truck! Bart! Haven't you learned anything? I'm still learning our phone number.
And I've almost got it.
But in an emergency, I'll just dial 9-1-8.
But the wonderful thing is, you kids get along.
And we were able to have a third beautiful child.
Wait.
But how did you have an extra room for Maggie? Well, that's where I used to grow my weed.
But that's a story for another day.
Never mind, never mind.
Well, I didn't think she'd make it, but I was wrong.
I guess your grandmother just wants to stick around to see those boys grow up.
(cheering) Amazing grace How sweet the sound Loud singing could kill her.
HOMER: And it did.
Stop telling us this story! You've had three natural endings already! Isn't that sweet? Six years ago, they were fighting.
Now they're playing pool in a bar.
Father of the year, pal.
Father of the year.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Let's Go Fly a Coot
The Simpsons s26e20 Episode Script
Let's Go Fly a Coot
(crow caws) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunting) (squeaking) (belches) (electrical crackling) Lewis, my man.
Present table's over there.
(barking) Make sure you hit the Squishee station.
They mixed up a custom flavor just for me! (kids chattering playfully, laughing) These kids' birthday parties have gotten out of control.
How can a normal family compete? They rented chairs.
The kind with puffy seats! And check out this gift bag.
Full-size candy bars, hummingbird in a plastic bag, a CD of The Gay Men's Chorus of Springfield singing "Happy Birthday, Milhouse.
" Dad, I want self-driving mini-cars at my next birthday! To the petting zoo! That would cost a fortune! Who do you think I am, a professional bowler? It's worth it to see my son as spoiled and ungrateful as the richest brat in town.
Dad, you were supposed to cut this cheese in the shape of PokÃ©mon characters.
You said you wanted Disney's Muppets! That was the meeting before the last meeting! (grunts) (sighs) This birthday party arms race is unsustainable.
Unless the sanest man in town declared war on these parties in a last best attempt to bring things back to normal.
I will secretly destroy these children's birthdays, or die trying.
Two of several animals! Looks like it's time to build me an ark.
Rice cakes?! I pronounce this party dead.
Nurse, note the time.
(chuckles) (tires squeak) (humming, singing) Time to make 50 bucks.
Yah-dah, dah-dat Ooh! (children shrieking, gasping) Look at that.
Let's see what else is in the noose.
(laughing like Krusty) I was the last kid on Earth who liked clowns.
(humming) Homer Simpson, do you know anything about these epic birthday fails? (high-pitched voice); Just what I read in the papers.
You did suck the helium out of all these balloons! (high-pitched voice): All right, Marge, maybe I did cut the strings on a few party hats, but when I was a kid, a birthday party was nothing more than a supermarket cake and sticking pins in a donkey's butt.
(clears throat) (normal voice): And we looked forward to it for one whole year.
And the gift bag was You didn't need a frickin' gift bag, because you just went to a frickin' party! You have a point.
But when the bounce house renters and the pony ride operators find out what you've done Mm.
(scoffs) I'm not afraid of Big Birthday.
(shrieks) Big Birthday! You have meddled with the primal forces of nurture, Mr.
Simpson, and I won't have it! Do you think you just stopped a few lavish parties? Oh, no, sir.
There is simply one endless birthday celebration where everyone gets a gift bag and no parent gets off easy.
Do you think this country makes cars anymore? Do you think we smelt steel? No.
The only thing we do is throw elaborate children's cotillions with enormous inedible cakes out from whence Yale graduates pop! ALL (groaning): Eh.
Mr.
Simpson, the very fabric of our existence is birthdays! The quarks and bosons of your soul? Birthdays! You have tried to unwind the world, and you will atone! Sorry.
You will be sorry.
We are officially blacklisting you, my friend.
Your children will never have a balloon animal maker or customized cake again! (both gasping) No! No! (crying): No-oh-oh-oh! I don't want to live.
Not their birthdays! Take Easter! Easter's nothing.
Geez, kids, I guess you've had your last birthday.
You're gonna stay your current ages for the rest of your lives.
Please.
I'll do anything.
All right.
The next birthday that comes up in this town is, uh, Rod Flanders, and you have to throw him a party.
(groans): Oh.
Um, how bad do you kids want birthdays? Dad! How bad do you want to sleep in Saturdays? (banging loudly) Hey, hey, hey, I was just kidding around.
You know that.
I was just You have a deal.
Let me make this clear.
This event has to be magical.
You mean, hire a magician? No, no, no.
Magical.
Magical events change people's lives forever.
(plane sputtering) Welcome to Rod Flanders' birthday party.
I'm your host Homer Simpson, and I can't take it anymore! Stupid golden age of flight! Mmm.
I love you, mean neighbor! MAN (over P.
A.
): Attention partygoers! Prepare for the arrival of our guest of honor Lulu! This majestic B-17 has been lovingly restored by the same World War Two veterans who see her every night in their horrible flashbacks.
Thanks for coming out and Abe Simpson?! That's Mach Ridley, my old Air Force buddy! You said you were in the Army.
You said you were in the Navy.
That's the kind of mix-up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.
So, what brings you boys to Springfield? Uh, we just want to make sure kids have a chance to meet one of the lovely ladies that brought freedom to the world.
Why are planes and boats always women? Because they require a lot of upkeep and a firm hand at the controls.
I knew there'd be a sexist joke behind it.
I knew it! Abe, can you join us for a drink? I'm sorry, guys.
My dad can't handle that much excitement.
Please, son.
I want to gab about the days when nurses kissed ya instead of beating ya.
Now, Dad, memory lane's not what it used to be.
If you hang out with your old buddies, it'll remind you of when you were a proud stallion instead of a broken-down nag.
(neighs sadly) (sputters) That's the lack of spirit.
(whimpering) Look at how he treats his own father.
Like we used to treat P.
O.
W.
s when the Red Cross wasn't looking.
(laughter) Boys, I think we have one last mission.
(mechanical whirring) Make a wish, Roddy.
I'll never grow up and marry Daddy! (laughter) (Dutch accent): Very amusing.
Whoa! I've seen all I need to see.
But just in case, the face.
MILHOUSE: Oh! May I chuckle in Dutch? (chuckles) Bart, meet my cousin from the Netherlands, Annika.
Isn't she gorgeous? (laughs) Whoa! You smoke? It's an e-cigarette.
Care to vape? Don't you want to be one of the cool kinderen? (inhaling) (coughing) (coughing, gasping) (snorts) Refreshing.
(knocking) Hey, look at you guys, still not dead.
Good for you.
Mister, we're gonna pound your thick skull till you treat your father with the kindness every human being deserves.
(scoffs) Do your worst, you old goats.
This won't be a tropical vacation like Iwo Jima.
It's you and me, Blubber McGee.
Ha! (muttering) (muttering) Oh.
(grunting) (laughs) (panting) (grunts) You done girly punching? Yes.
(laughs) Once again, I win at Sjoelbak.
Everybody's got one gift.
Mine is portable indoor Dutch shuffleboard.
(humming) Bart, I'm out of cartridges.
Be my little almond cookie and run down to the Kwik-E-Mart.
Hup, hup.
You can kiss me.
(squeaking) Oh, that felt so good.
Now you know what nuzzling me would be like.
Now not so good.
(whistling) Five packs of e-cigs, Apu.
E-cigs? Although legal for children in this state, you are asking for a nicotine delivery device that could quite possibly leave you breathing through a hole in your neck.
Eat your spinach, Bart.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ay carumba! Cool! I was just doing this for a girl, but give me two more packs for myself.
Oh, you have the right, but remember, this is not kid stuff.
Now, would you like bubblegum flavor, strawberry shortcake or watermelon dream? Homer, you're late! In the Air Force, when we showed up late, people died.
When we showed up on time, other people died.
The right people.
Homer J.
Simpson, if I wasn't wearing my smiling teeth, I'd look very angry.
Hangar those choppers, airman.
Now, the best way to get to know each other is to share a rugged outdoor activity.
Suggestions? BOTH: Movie.
Well, we could walk to the theater.
BOTH: Drive.
Well, at least we can walk to a seat at the top.
Handicap seat.
Companion chair.
(groans) HOMER: Ooh, previews! TRAILER ANNOUNCER: In a dystopian future Finally! A movie about a dystopian future, unlike The Hunger Games, Edge of Tomorrow, Oblivion, Elysium, Snow Piercer, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Enders Game The Road, World War Z, Children of Men, After Earth, I Am Legend, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Maze Runner, District Nine, The Purge, Looper, Cloud Atlas, Divergent, Insurgent, The Island, Mr.
Burns: A Post-Electric Play, and Chappie.
(both shudder) Sir, the movie's been over for 20 minutes.
You'll have to clear out of the theater and come back for the next show.
D'oh! So, you are the best America could send to stop Sheik Abu Nadal Abdul Nabal Nabu Dubal Nabadul Kashik? I'd like to request a hip replacement: yours.
I was a fool to fight America.
(screams) Homer, take me to the bathroom.
What? Are you crazy? If you love your father, you'll make sure he doesn't get disoriented trying to work the knob-less faucet.
I'm too cold to trigger the infrared.
(groans) (explosions, gunshots over speakers) (whistling tune) You were in there for 25 minutes! I thought the mirror was another movie.
You made me miss the denouement! Homer, I think it's time I showed you something.
I get it.
You brought me here to show me how much Grampa went through for people like me.
No, we brought you here 'cause we're gonna set you straight once and for all.
I think I just went W.
W.
Two.
All right, all right.
I love my father.
And if that makes me less of a man, so be it.
(awkward noises) (affectionate noises) Dad, I apologize.
I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true: I love you.
Oh.
But it's been a long night I did not say "at ease.
" (whimpers) Fear-- that's how we, the greatest generation, raised you, the worst generation.
My turn! (laughing) God, I love spijkerpoepen.
Annika, you've introduced me to a whole new world of butt games.
And you've introduced me to a world of un-milled wind, a game called "baseball" that is neither fun nor fittening, and private-use bicycles.
Still, you are small and cute like Lichtenstein.
Now vape up.
MARGE (gasping): Bart Simpson! (coughing) It's still legal in this state! The bill's stuck in committee.
God, you just can't protect your kids enough.
(worried groan) Mmm.
Sharing a beer.
Just like we did after your first merit badge.
Ah, yes, basketry.
Aw Aw I still have what I made.
D'oh! Bart's smoking! (gasps) E-cigarettes! Oh, those are totally legal.
Tell me, does he like bubblegum or strawberry? He doesn't even want to.
He's doing it to impress a girl.
They're sending Annika back to Holland! She was just about to teach me to Dutch kiss.
Stuck on a girl, eh? I know a story that'll fix you right up.
It was the 1950s suitcases were hard, mid-century architecture had indoor-outdoor flow and the world was our garbage basket.
Nature will take it.
(humming) GRAMPA: Mach was a test pilot and I had a crucial job, too: keeping desert turtles off the runway.
Shoo! Shoo, now! Just pick them up! Uh they feel weird.
GRAMPA: At night, we cooled off at the local watering hole, where they gave you a free steak dinner if'n you set a new speed record and lived.
If you died, your widow got surf and turf.
Meanwhile, I was trying to make time with the only cocktail waitress on a base full of heroes.
We called her "Sunny" 'cause she was bright and yellow.
And if you got too close, you got burned? Who's telling this story, you or me?! I hope it's you.
Okay, well, I would imagine as you were flirting with Sunny, Mach came up.
Uh-huh, go on.
And asked her to dance? Ooh, I did not see that coming! GRAMPA: Mach was scheduled to test-fly a new fighter plane.
And then I heard something I shouldn't have.
Colonel, with all due respect, that new jet is a deathtrap.
It's the 1950s.
Everything's a deathtrap.
Now have three martinis, a pack of smokes, and get in that plane.
GRAMPA: I'm not quite sure why I did what I did next.
Did I want Sunny to see me in a different light? Or had they tested a little too much LSD on me the night before without me knowing it? Abraham Simpson, you damn fool! When did you learn how to fly? When you're in the Air Force for ten years, you learn a few things.
Ah! What the hell just happened? (laughing) GRAMPA: It was as if I could see the face of God.
(engine sputtering) Oh, boy.
At 50,000 feet, amazing things happen.
The frigid air forms a beautiful rainbow of ice crystals in your lungs.
D'oh! Luckily, my frozen hand on the stick was exactly what that plane needed.
That day, I broke the sound barrier and then some.
Oh! My highball glasses.
GRAMPA: I headed back to tell the base there wasn't one damn thing wrong with that plane.
This is gonna take some fancy flyin'.
(grunting) I hitched a ride back to the base with a young feller who was hoping to be a writer.
Thanks for the ride, Jack Kerouac.
Could you please mail this polished final draft of my novel to my publisher? And here's my rambling, repetitive first draft.
Promise me you'll destroy it, so no one will ever read this total gibberish.
GRAMPA: (laughs) Boy, was he mad when he read that book.
Started drinking like a fish.
I was about to reel one in.
So, you want to marry a glamorous flyboy? Or the dummy who tried to save him? I'm a sucker for reckless nitwits.
Aw, Mona.
Shut up and kiss me.
Seriously, I'm already tired of your voice.
Mona? Sunny is Mona Simpson? Homer's mother? Gee, she wasn't too sunny when I knew her.
Although she really cheered up after she left you forever.
That's the point! If you make a grand gesture, you can get any girl you want, even if she's completely wrong for you.
But it won't last if you're pretending to be someone you're not.
I see.
I've got to make a grand gesture.
And her flight boards in 38 minutes.
And KLM is never late! (frustrated grunt) He didn't get a single word.
You got the point, didn't you, son? Um, you used to work with turtles? Yeah, that's pretty much it.
I used to work with turtles.
(buzzes) Annika! Wait! Before you leave-- I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to tell you how I feel.
A grand gesture.
How American.
I don't actually like you.
You're only pleasant when you want something.
You've been in this country three weeks and you hated everything.
That's not true.
I liked that there were new things here to complain about.
Well, I'm really relieved you're leaving.
And take these poison pen lights with you! (shrieking, clamoring) Oh, thank God! I'm so tired of breathing clean air! (speaks Dutch) Rejected by a friend of Milhouse.
I will change into the striped leggings of shame.
(speaking Dutch) If it's the blue hair and the schnozz you're digging, I've got plenty more cousins.
Thanks, Milhouse.
I think I'm gonna steer clear of Van Houtens for a while.
More for me.
Marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents.
Storm's a-comin'.
Homer, it's time for us to go.
We've got an air show in Reno, where the silver-haired foxes are as common as Frisbees on the Jersey shore.
Come on, Dad.
In honor of that record you broke, I'm gonna cook you the thickest steak of your life.
Thank you, son.
But the days when I can eat a steak are long gone.
I wouldn't be so sure.
(laughs) No.
Still too tough.
Aw, that's the best steak I ever breathed.
I'm full.
(Annika speaking Dutch) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Let's Go Fly a Coot
The Simpsons s26e20 Episode Script
Let's Go Fly a Coot
(crow caws) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunting) (squeaking) (belches) (electrical crackling) Lewis, my man.
Present table's over there.
(barking) Make sure you hit the Squishee station.
They mixed up a custom flavor just for me! (kids chattering playfully, laughing) These kids' birthday parties have gotten out of control.
How can a normal family compete? They rented chairs.
The kind with puffy seats! And check out this gift bag.
Full-size candy bars, hummingbird in a plastic bag, a CD of The Gay Men's Chorus of Springfield singing "Happy Birthday, Milhouse.
" Dad, I want self-driving mini-cars at my next birthday! To the petting zoo! That would cost a fortune! Who do you think I am, a professional bowler? It's worth it to see my son as spoiled and ungrateful as the richest brat in town.
Dad, you were supposed to cut this cheese in the shape of PokÃ©mon characters.
You said you wanted Disney's Muppets! That was the meeting before the last meeting! (grunts) (sighs) This birthday party arms race is unsustainable.
Unless the sanest man in town declared war on these parties in a last best attempt to bring things back to normal.
I will secretly destroy these children's birthdays, or die trying.
Two of several animals! Looks like it's time to build me an ark.
Rice cakes?! I pronounce this party dead.
Nurse, note the time.
(chuckles) (tires squeak) (humming, singing) Time to make 50 bucks.
Yah-dah, dah-dat Ooh! (children shrieking, gasping) Look at that.
Let's see what else is in the noose.
(laughing like Krusty) I was the last kid on Earth who liked clowns.
(humming) Homer Simpson, do you know anything about these epic birthday fails? (high-pitched voice); Just what I read in the papers.
You did suck the helium out of all these balloons! (high-pitched voice): All right, Marge, maybe I did cut the strings on a few party hats, but when I was a kid, a birthday party was nothing more than a supermarket cake and sticking pins in a donkey's butt.
(clears throat) (normal voice): And we looked forward to it for one whole year.
And the gift bag was You didn't need a frickin' gift bag, because you just went to a frickin' party! You have a point.
But when the bounce house renters and the pony ride operators find out what you've done Mm.
(scoffs) I'm not afraid of Big Birthday.
(shrieks) Big Birthday! You have meddled with the primal forces of nurture, Mr.
Simpson, and I won't have it! Do you think you just stopped a few lavish parties? Oh, no, sir.
There is simply one endless birthday celebration where everyone gets a gift bag and no parent gets off easy.
Do you think this country makes cars anymore? Do you think we smelt steel? No.
The only thing we do is throw elaborate children's cotillions with enormous inedible cakes out from whence Yale graduates pop! ALL (groaning): Eh.
Mr.
Simpson, the very fabric of our existence is birthdays! The quarks and bosons of your soul? Birthdays! You have tried to unwind the world, and you will atone! Sorry.
You will be sorry.
We are officially blacklisting you, my friend.
Your children will never have a balloon animal maker or customized cake again! (both gasping) No! No! (crying): No-oh-oh-oh! I don't want to live.
Not their birthdays! Take Easter! Easter's nothing.
Geez, kids, I guess you've had your last birthday.
You're gonna stay your current ages for the rest of your lives.
Please.
I'll do anything.
All right.
The next birthday that comes up in this town is, uh, Rod Flanders, and you have to throw him a party.
(groans): Oh.
Um, how bad do you kids want birthdays? Dad! How bad do you want to sleep in Saturdays? (banging loudly) Hey, hey, hey, I was just kidding around.
You know that.
I was just You have a deal.
Let me make this clear.
This event has to be magical.
You mean, hire a magician? No, no, no.
Magical.
Magical events change people's lives forever.
(plane sputtering) Welcome to Rod Flanders' birthday party.
I'm your host Homer Simpson, and I can't take it anymore! Stupid golden age of flight! Mmm.
I love you, mean neighbor! MAN (over P.
A.
): Attention partygoers! Prepare for the arrival of our guest of honor Lulu! This majestic B-17 has been lovingly restored by the same World War Two veterans who see her every night in their horrible flashbacks.
Thanks for coming out and Abe Simpson?! That's Mach Ridley, my old Air Force buddy! You said you were in the Army.
You said you were in the Navy.
That's the kind of mix-up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.
So, what brings you boys to Springfield? Uh, we just want to make sure kids have a chance to meet one of the lovely ladies that brought freedom to the world.
Why are planes and boats always women? Because they require a lot of upkeep and a firm hand at the controls.
I knew there'd be a sexist joke behind it.
I knew it! Abe, can you join us for a drink? I'm sorry, guys.
My dad can't handle that much excitement.
Please, son.
I want to gab about the days when nurses kissed ya instead of beating ya.
Now, Dad, memory lane's not what it used to be.
If you hang out with your old buddies, it'll remind you of when you were a proud stallion instead of a broken-down nag.
(neighs sadly) (sputters) That's the lack of spirit.
(whimpering) Look at how he treats his own father.
Like we used to treat P.
O.
W.
s when the Red Cross wasn't looking.
(laughter) Boys, I think we have one last mission.
(mechanical whirring) Make a wish, Roddy.
I'll never grow up and marry Daddy! (laughter) (Dutch accent): Very amusing.
Whoa! I've seen all I need to see.
But just in case, the face.
MILHOUSE: Oh! May I chuckle in Dutch? (chuckles) Bart, meet my cousin from the Netherlands, Annika.
Isn't she gorgeous? (laughs) Whoa! You smoke? It's an e-cigarette.
Care to vape? Don't you want to be one of the cool kinderen? (inhaling) (coughing) (coughing, gasping) (snorts) Refreshing.
(knocking) Hey, look at you guys, still not dead.
Good for you.
Mister, we're gonna pound your thick skull till you treat your father with the kindness every human being deserves.
(scoffs) Do your worst, you old goats.
This won't be a tropical vacation like Iwo Jima.
It's you and me, Blubber McGee.
Ha! (muttering) (muttering) Oh.
(grunting) (laughs) (panting) (grunts) You done girly punching? Yes.
(laughs) Once again, I win at Sjoelbak.
Everybody's got one gift.
Mine is portable indoor Dutch shuffleboard.
(humming) Bart, I'm out of cartridges.
Be my little almond cookie and run down to the Kwik-E-Mart.
Hup, hup.
You can kiss me.
(squeaking) Oh, that felt so good.
Now you know what nuzzling me would be like.
Now not so good.
(whistling) Five packs of e-cigs, Apu.
E-cigs? Although legal for children in this state, you are asking for a nicotine delivery device that could quite possibly leave you breathing through a hole in your neck.
Eat your spinach, Bart.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ay carumba! Cool! I was just doing this for a girl, but give me two more packs for myself.
Oh, you have the right, but remember, this is not kid stuff.
Now, would you like bubblegum flavor, strawberry shortcake or watermelon dream? Homer, you're late! In the Air Force, when we showed up late, people died.
When we showed up on time, other people died.
The right people.
Homer J.
Simpson, if I wasn't wearing my smiling teeth, I'd look very angry.
Hangar those choppers, airman.
Now, the best way to get to know each other is to share a rugged outdoor activity.
Suggestions? BOTH: Movie.
Well, we could walk to the theater.
BOTH: Drive.
Well, at least we can walk to a seat at the top.
Handicap seat.
Companion chair.
(groans) HOMER: Ooh, previews! TRAILER ANNOUNCER: In a dystopian future Finally! A movie about a dystopian future, unlike The Hunger Games, Edge of Tomorrow, Oblivion, Elysium, Snow Piercer, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Enders Game The Road, World War Z, Children of Men, After Earth, I Am Legend, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Maze Runner, District Nine, The Purge, Looper, Cloud Atlas, Divergent, Insurgent, The Island, Mr.
Burns: A Post-Electric Play, and Chappie.
(both shudder) Sir, the movie's been over for 20 minutes.
You'll have to clear out of the theater and come back for the next show.
D'oh! So, you are the best America could send to stop Sheik Abu Nadal Abdul Nabal Nabu Dubal Nabadul Kashik? I'd like to request a hip replacement: yours.
I was a fool to fight America.
(screams) Homer, take me to the bathroom.
What? Are you crazy? If you love your father, you'll make sure he doesn't get disoriented trying to work the knob-less faucet.
I'm too cold to trigger the infrared.
(groans) (explosions, gunshots over speakers) (whistling tune) You were in there for 25 minutes! I thought the mirror was another movie.
You made me miss the denouement! Homer, I think it's time I showed you something.
I get it.
You brought me here to show me how much Grampa went through for people like me.
No, we brought you here 'cause we're gonna set you straight once and for all.
I think I just went W.
W.
Two.
All right, all right.
I love my father.
And if that makes me less of a man, so be it.
(awkward noises) (affectionate noises) Dad, I apologize.
I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true: I love you.
Oh.
But it's been a long night I did not say "at ease.
" (whimpers) Fear-- that's how we, the greatest generation, raised you, the worst generation.
My turn! (laughing) God, I love spijkerpoepen.
Annika, you've introduced me to a whole new world of butt games.
And you've introduced me to a world of un-milled wind, a game called "baseball" that is neither fun nor fittening, and private-use bicycles.
Still, you are small and cute like Lichtenstein.
Now vape up.
MARGE (gasping): Bart Simpson! (coughing) It's still legal in this state! The bill's stuck in committee.
God, you just can't protect your kids enough.
(worried groan) Mmm.
Sharing a beer.
Just like we did after your first merit badge.
Ah, yes, basketry.
Aw Aw I still have what I made.
D'oh! Bart's smoking! (gasps) E-cigarettes! Oh, those are totally legal.
Tell me, does he like bubblegum or strawberry? He doesn't even want to.
He's doing it to impress a girl.
They're sending Annika back to Holland! She was just about to teach me to Dutch kiss.
Stuck on a girl, eh? I know a story that'll fix you right up.
It was the 1950s suitcases were hard, mid-century architecture had indoor-outdoor flow and the world was our garbage basket.
Nature will take it.
(humming) GRAMPA: Mach was a test pilot and I had a crucial job, too: keeping desert turtles off the runway.
Shoo! Shoo, now! Just pick them up! Uh they feel weird.
GRAMPA: At night, we cooled off at the local watering hole, where they gave you a free steak dinner if'n you set a new speed record and lived.
If you died, your widow got surf and turf.
Meanwhile, I was trying to make time with the only cocktail waitress on a base full of heroes.
We called her "Sunny" 'cause she was bright and yellow.
And if you got too close, you got burned? Who's telling this story, you or me?! I hope it's you.
Okay, well, I would imagine as you were flirting with Sunny, Mach came up.
Uh-huh, go on.
And asked her to dance? Ooh, I did not see that coming! GRAMPA: Mach was scheduled to test-fly a new fighter plane.
And then I heard something I shouldn't have.
Colonel, with all due respect, that new jet is a deathtrap.
It's the 1950s.
Everything's a deathtrap.
Now have three martinis, a pack of smokes, and get in that plane.
GRAMPA: I'm not quite sure why I did what I did next.
Did I want Sunny to see me in a different light? Or had they tested a little too much LSD on me the night before without me knowing it? Abraham Simpson, you damn fool! When did you learn how to fly? When you're in the Air Force for ten years, you learn a few things.
Ah! What the hell just happened? (laughing) GRAMPA: It was as if I could see the face of God.
(engine sputtering) Oh, boy.
At 50,000 feet, amazing things happen.
The frigid air forms a beautiful rainbow of ice crystals in your lungs.
D'oh! Luckily, my frozen hand on the stick was exactly what that plane needed.
That day, I broke the sound barrier and then some.
Oh! My highball glasses.
GRAMPA: I headed back to tell the base there wasn't one damn thing wrong with that plane.
This is gonna take some fancy flyin'.
(grunting) I hitched a ride back to the base with a young feller who was hoping to be a writer.
Thanks for the ride, Jack Kerouac.
Could you please mail this polished final draft of my novel to my publisher? And here's my rambling, repetitive first draft.
Promise me you'll destroy it, so no one will ever read this total gibberish.
GRAMPA: (laughs) Boy, was he mad when he read that book.
Started drinking like a fish.
I was about to reel one in.
So, you want to marry a glamorous flyboy? Or the dummy who tried to save him? I'm a sucker for reckless nitwits.
Aw, Mona.
Shut up and kiss me.
Seriously, I'm already tired of your voice.
Mona? Sunny is Mona Simpson? Homer's mother? Gee, she wasn't too sunny when I knew her.
Although she really cheered up after she left you forever.
That's the point! If you make a grand gesture, you can get any girl you want, even if she's completely wrong for you.
But it won't last if you're pretending to be someone you're not.
I see.
I've got to make a grand gesture.
And her flight boards in 38 minutes.
And KLM is never late! (frustrated grunt) He didn't get a single word.
You got the point, didn't you, son? Um, you used to work with turtles? Yeah, that's pretty much it.
I used to work with turtles.
(buzzes) Annika! Wait! Before you leave-- I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to tell you how I feel.
A grand gesture.
How American.
I don't actually like you.
You're only pleasant when you want something.
You've been in this country three weeks and you hated everything.
That's not true.
I liked that there were new things here to complain about.
Well, I'm really relieved you're leaving.
And take these poison pen lights with you! (shrieking, clamoring) Oh, thank God! I'm so tired of breathing clean air! (speaks Dutch) Rejected by a friend of Milhouse.
I will change into the striped leggings of shame.
(speaking Dutch) If it's the blue hair and the schnozz you're digging, I've got plenty more cousins.
Thanks, Milhouse.
I think I'm gonna steer clear of Van Houtens for a while.
More for me.
Marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents.
Storm's a-comin'.
Homer, it's time for us to go.
We've got an air show in Reno, where the silver-haired foxes are as common as Frisbees on the Jersey shore.
Come on, Dad.
In honor of that record you broke, I'm gonna cook you the thickest steak of your life.
Thank you, son.
But the days when I can eat a steak are long gone.
I wouldn't be so sure.
(laughs) No.
Still too tough.
Aw, that's the best steak I ever breathed.
I'm full.
(Annika speaking Dutch) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Bull-E
The Simpsons s26e21 Episode Script
Bull-E
HOMER: D'oh! WILLIE: Seymour.
I'm here to tell ya I'm returning to Scotland and you'll never see me again.
But I have hand-picked my replacement.
Mr.
Johnny Mathis.
Chances are I will give this hedge a trim And I will kill the gophers, too Mmm.
So beautiful.
(Mrs.
Skinner imitating alarm) You're late for school.
(English accent): And Friday's lunch will be fish sticks, peas I'll finish those morning announcements.
(clears throat) And lime Jell-O.
Pathetic.
Also, Friday night is the school dance.
And that's a treat for the, uh, popular children, and a chance for the rest of you to look within yourselves and ask what's wrong.
Seymour.
Let me know if you make a BM today.
Oh, my special little guy's first school dance.
(groans) Why do I have to go to some stupid dance? It makes just standing around with your friends feel like you're a loser.
Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers.
Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.
(groans) Dad, help me.
(chuckles) Son, for the rest of your life, you're going to go to all sorts of horrible events just to spend time with girls.
Dances, stores, your wedding.
You don't like those things? Oh, no.
No, no, honey.
I love everything you force me do.
And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.
(groans) And what does that get you? Hopefully, not a you.
Not gonna make another Bart tonight If I do it right, no more Barts tonight No more Barts Tonight No Barts! Hmm? (Flanders humming) Hmm.
And done.
Proud of you boys.
Thanks for painting my fence, Stupid Flanders.
Homer Simpson, reorder that border.
We've been painting since sunup.
Half the fence is mine.
Fine.
Let the good Lord decide.
D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! Now I say good day.
(chuckles) Good day, Homer.
I said good day.
(Homer groans) Well, if it isn't the Frown Princes of Gloomania.
What's wrong, boys? Uncle Homer's not nice to you.
Your name's not Stupid.
It's Ned.
Whoa, there, Roddy.
Someone's getting a little too familiar.
Sorry, Mr.
Daddy.
(chuckles) Time to hop aboard the School Train.
School Train? (funky tune playing) (Otto laughing) I'm going to die, children.
And so will you someday.
(screaming) (sighs) (yells) Thanks a lot, Bart.
That orange drink machine was my mom's fiancÃ©'s only source of income.
(grunts) (groans) What a relief.
This dance has turned into a fight.
Would you dance with me? (gasps) Where'd you come from? Fifth grade.
BART: Be careful, Bart.
If you take her hand now DEMONIC VOICE: Your puberty has started! Who the hell are you? I am the puberty demon.
(cackles) (high-pitched squeak, clears throat) For a thousand lifetimes of man, I have been going through changes I don't understand.
You can join me if you just take her hand.
I'd certainly like to help a demon, but I Do it.
Enter the world of body spray, wiry hairs and wondering what boobs feel like.
Do you know? Sure, sure.
Of course I do.
She's up all night to the sun Eh, why not? I'm up all night to get some She's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky We're up all night to the sun We're up all night to get some We're up all night for good fun We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky (Willie grunts) We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky.
(cheering, whooping) Huh? (grunting) I'll have him good as new.
I just have to get me hammers.
SKINNER: And tonight's best dancer: Bart Simpson.
This is for you.
I'll meet you outside.
(students oohing) Hey, look.
It's someone who does stuff.
The bullies' natural enemy.
Nice dancing, Bart.
Hey, knock it off! You're a real leotard.
(bullies laughing) That works on two levels.
Yeah.
Just like the old Springfield Galleria.
(grunting) Do what you want to me.
Just don't touch the trophy.
(laughs) Yeah, right.
(groans) Hi.
This is for you.
Let me give you a life lesson.
This isn't your fault.
But it's the end of us forever.
(cackles) (squeaks, coughs) Oh, uh, hey hey, Cassidy.
Ugh.
Sweetie, what happened? Bullies broke my trophy.
Oh, don't worry.
When you grow up, you're gonna have a hell of a career.
Oh, wait, you're not the girl.
You're gonna have a hell of a career.
Thank you.
(giggles) Bullying is wrong, and I'm going to work to change it.
If I can get them to open up another register at Kroger's, I can do something about this.
Wha Marge, we don't have Kroger's money.
(gavel slams) Completing our long-overdue apologies to the witches and their families.
Our final new business is a proposal from Marge Simpson.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to show you the world's filthiest word.
Oh, boy, I can't wait to see this word.
(all groan) You know, I thought you were gonna say (long bleep) Now, Midge, uh, thanks for coming and alls, but, uh, since frontier days, we've needed bullies to steal land from Indians and, uh, uh, punch locusts.
But not anymore.
Let's push bullying to the ground and make it cry and point and laugh at it.
Yeah, yeah! Absolutely! Let's pass this legislation without any discussion whatsoever.
So moved.
All in favor? Who didn't vote for it? I didn't.
You better freaking vote for it, or we'll bust your face, you little troll.
(moans weakly) The anti-bullying law has passed without objection.
Ow.
Hey, Simpson.
Come over and get your Christmas socking.
(siren whoops) By the unregulated power vested in us by the hastily passed bully law, you're under arrest.
Take 'em away, boys.
Yeah, grab that hat.
Boys, I predict you're gonna have clear sledding from here on out.
Uh, except on those sleds.
Uh, I'm gonna need 'em as evidence.
Uh, is that a candy cane, Milhouse? 'Cause, uh, yeah.
That-that's also evidence.
Mmm, mmm.
Uh, yes, Kent, the law gives us broad authority here.
We're not just going after your garden-variety nurple purpler.
No, no.
We're also arresting adult bullies.
The long-trouser crowd.
And let me tell you, arresting people who don't think they're criminals-- it's, uh it's a hell of a lot easier.
Mmm.
All you worthless writers ever do is stare into your phones.
Why don't you text me some freaking jokes? A TV star criticizing his writers.
What has this world come to? Another bully for your collection, boys.
(grunts) I need some prison jokes.
Quick.
How about "Orange is the New Blecch"? Beautiful.
Uh, yeah.
A car just cut me off.
License JDB 653.
He's a bully.
(ice rattles) Oh, and the guy that filled my soda gave me mostly ice.
Bully.
Mostly ice.
Dear God.
I'll never grow a tough enough skin for this job.
Excuse me, this is madness.
The ice costs me more than the soda.
Do you realize this? Ay, ay, ay.
What hath Mom wrought? The police are arresting basically anyone they want to.
Lisa, you got to learn to trust your government.
(whispers): That's what I do.
(electrical buzzing) (screams, groans) Daddy, can we make cocoa? Boys, I'm afraid Mr.
Simpson borrowed our mix and our mugs.
Why don't you ask for things back? Are you being bullied? Now, boys, I'm just turning the other cheek, like Jesus.
Do you think he was bullied? (bullies laughing) Come on, guys.
Give it back.
Oh forgive them, Father.
I raised a wuss.
Dear Lord: Please demonstrate unto us Uncle Homer's not a jerk.
(Homer grunting) See you in hell, old bed.
(whistling a tune) Oh, come on, Chief.
Why am I in here? You're a workplace bully.
Chief, I put my name on my lunch because you are always eating it.
Bully! Bully! Bully! (phone ringing) Springfield PD.
Chief speaking.
Hello? We'd like to report a bully.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh! Wow.
This bully's going down! Yeah.
(siren wailing, knocking at door) Ooh, I wonder who this could be! (screams) Homer Simpson, I'm here to charge you with multiple counts of bullying your neighbor, Ned Flanders.
What the?! Oh, I never dreamed that a law I had abused could be applied to me! All right, time for the perp walk.
Walk? But I just watered up the Slip'N Slide.
(groaning) I have no comment at this time! I sentence you to in our new Biff Stiffler Bully Reeducation Center.
Is it a school? More like a prison.
Phew! Thank God.
MAN: Welcome, friends.
Welcome.
Welcome.
No need for names.
Well, there are need for names, or there'd be billions of people walking around without knowing each other, but I meant here.
I know what you're going through because I'm a recovering bully myself.
I was bullied for years and years.
I tried to solve it in a way that I don't suggest.
I shot a man.
But that didn't fix it.
It fixed it for him.
He died.
But I then went to a lot of training.
I went into the Army, and I was punished, and they told me I got over it.
I don't feel it, but I'm told I got over it, and I have something on the wall that says I do.
Ow! Time for step one on the path to empathy, you maggots.
Can I do yard work like the kids? Your work is internal.
You mean like vacuuming? Did you really think I meant vacuuming? When I said "internal," your brain went to something inside your house like vacuuming? Is that what you thought? Do you know that's why that Dyson is a billionaire? Something is wrong with you when you think vacuuming.
I'm talking about inside your head.
In your head! Oh, it's so boring in there.
Oh, is it? And I thought it might be like the Louvre.
Now, no more talking! I know how this works.
You find the toughest one, you crack that person, and the rest of you fall in line.
You'll never crack me.
(chuckles) Ah, you're probably right.
Just like you never heard your mother say, "I love you.
" (sobbing) There's not enough tissue in the world for what I'm feeling! (sobbing) There, there.
The first six tissues are free.
The rest you pay for.
Use the first two again.
They don't seem very wet.
Every bully is woven from the colorful thread known as humiliation.
Gary, who humiliated you? Well (clears throat) my father was a psychologist.
He was a big believer in the methods of B.
F.
Skinner! I had to go through a hamster maze to get to my breakfast.
Which way is love, Daddy? (voice breaking): Which way is love? (crying) He made me go through a maze.
Ah.
Breakthrough.
Just sit down, Gary.
Have the free potato chips.
You, we'll just heavily medicate.
I'm sorry, there's no other hope.
Give me your money.
Oh, beautiful.
You're just proving my point.
What about you, Homer? Why do you hate this Flanders? Well, he thinks he's so perfect, with his organized garage and his barbecue grill that never has crud on it.
That's very good.
Keep exploring.
I'm already hating him a little bit.
Kids who love him and rub his back.
And he's got enough extra hair for a mustache! All I got are Archie and Wicket here.
I'm so bald.
Deeper.
You've got to go deeper! (in a deep voice): I'm so bald.
Deeper! And if you think I mean on the ground, I'm going to punch you! Why do you hate Flanders? Oh, everybody hates Flanders.
No, just you.
That's right.
Great guy.
He ain't no chooch.
Homer, you've got to find the answer to this.
It's been bothering you your whole life.
Also, it's five to 11:00.
I have ten more people before noon! Oh, can you just tell me the answer? If I told you the answer, then you would not have discovered it for yourself.
Did you see that, uh, Indiana Jones movie? Did anybody tell him where that thing was? Does this guy know? Well Only you know! All right.
I hate Ned Flanders because (gasps) because he's better than me in every way! I think we have a breakthrough.
I was gonna say that, too.
I used to be a jerk.
I never cared whose feelings I hurt as long as it got a laugh.
I took a thumb when a pinky would do.
But we have learned our lesson, so I hereby promise I promise.
I promise.
Te prometo.
We all promise.
ALL: To be a better human being.
Better human being.
Ugh! Once again, people.
ALL To be a better human being.
Better being.
Does he have to be in this? Well, surprisingly, that was our best take.
Uh, question: What will this video be used for? Oh, in schools, by police groups.
CNN.
They're doing a lot of things now that have nothing to do with news.
This is great.
Nothing America likes better than someone who screws up, goes away for a little while, then comes back and tells everyone how to live their lives.
Oh, I forgot to include remorse.
Oh, it's okay.
When it kicks in, it'll be a thousand times worse.
What happened to me? My mother told me she loved me.
Maybe I couldn't hear her because my hand was over her mouth.
Let yourself out, please.
ANNOUNCER: And here to throw out the first pitch, reformed bully Homer Simpson.
And the pitch hits the umpire, but it's not an umpire at all.
It's a returning serviceman from Iraq.
And the crowd goes wild.
(applause and cheering) You're a hero.
No, you're-you're the hero.
I No, no, you're wrong.
You're the hero.
I No, I just I'm not.
I-I just have a little PTSD.
No, if you see a hero, you're looking into a mirror, man, because you're the hero.
Why is Mr.
Simpson a hero? Well, I suppose it's because he used to be bad and now he's good.
Yay? Yay? MALE ANNOUNCER: Jenny, the Costington's float contains 10,001 flowers, and work started the day after last year's parade finished.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: You say that every year, and it's just not true.
(male announcer chuckles) MALE ANNOUNCER: Well, there you go again.
Daddy, maybe someday you'll be a hero like Mr.
Simpson.
He's a hero, all right.
A hero sandwich full of baloney.
Huh.
I almost said that in front of the boys! Time I gave that Homer a real tongue bath! Ooh.
Glad I didn't say that, either.
Uh-huh! Uh, wait.
What do you want me to do with this? NED: How about writing, "I'm sorry, Ned"? (mutters) What are you doing here? Homer, sorry is not just the most exciting board game ever devised.
It's a word I need to hear from you.
(sighs) Fine.
Sorry.
We good? No, we're not good! You really think one little "sorry" makes up for years of, "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Flanders"? I'm starting to think you don't want an autograph.
This is what I want.
I want you to understand how you make me feel.
Homer Simpson, you made me less of a man in my sons' eyes.
Now do you feel remorse? Oh, my God.
I'm a monster.
Mm-hmm.
Wait! You can't go! I need your forgiveness! You can't push a guy around forever, Dad.
You better take a long, fat look in the mirror.
I know.
(Homer groaning) Oh, driveway! Oh! I crawled here on my knees, all the way from my house, to ask for your forgiveness.
Well, sir, I appreciate that, but I don't bend that easily.
Well, I'm gonna wait right here on my knees till you change your mind.
Okily-dokily.
On my knees! Mm-hmm.
I hear you.
Not too comfortable.
Nor should it be.
I think he's suffered enough, Daddy.
And he seems to be sinking.
We're losing him.
"And when you stand praying, "if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you your sins.
" That's from that ribbon book.
Yes, it is, Homer.
And I forgive you, transgressoreeno.
Now, Ned, why don't you join us for an all-is-forgiven brunch? Oh, can I make my famous mimosa? A little sparkling water and a glass full of regular water? Stu pendous, Flanders.
(Homer chuckles) Hey, Miss Drizzle! Otto! Otto! How many tabs did you take? (chuckles) I took a whole sheet of Hello Kitties! Oh, Otto! That will have a most deleterious effect on your brain.
The cerebrum, the cerebellum, the medulla.
But why am I telling you about it when we can visit the inside of your head? Bus, do your stuff! (cheering) Aah! Get it out! Get it out! (screaming) MAN: Mr.
Foreman? Mr.
Foreman, please wake up! Aah! Who murdered who again? Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 26  >  Mathlete's Feat
The Simpsons s26e22 Episode Script
Mathlete's Feat
(grunts) D'oh! (grunts) (all scream) Oh, my God, Morty, what did you do? You killed the Simpsons, Morty! Oh, my God, no! No, I-I-I-I didn't mean to! Oh, no, no! This is horrible! I killed the Simpsons! God, look at the baby one! Oh, my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved (belches) family, Morty! They're-they're-they're-they're a national treasure.
And you killed them.
I-I-I-I'm just a kid! I'm just a kid! I don't want to go to jail! Relax, Morty, calm down.
We'll take care of it.
Okay, I want you to take that vial of Simpsons' goo and this picture to this address.
They'll make us new Simpsons-- you understand me, Morty? Me?! W-W-What are you gonna do? Morty, I got to clean this place up before somebody comes snooping around.
You know how many characters there are in The Simpsons, Morty? There's, like, a billion (belches): chara characters.
They did an episode where George Bush was their neighbor.
All right, can't argue with that.
(spits) (speaking in native tongue) Hi-diddly-ho, neighbor! Looks like you got a spaceship in your Who are you? Rick, I'm back! Wake up! Wake up! Geez, it's about time, Morty.
Give me those.
(grunting, moaning) Huh, wow.
Hey, Morty, a little tip.
(belches) Don't clean DNA vials with your spit! Let's go.
I'm driving this time.
Aw, no more guest animators, man! Okay, children.
I think it's safe now to put on your math T-shirts.
Wait here.
(grunts) Nerd! Model U.
N.
, and step on it! Ha-ha! (laughing) Very good.
That is really Oh! Dog in box.
Genius.
All right, let's meet our two teams of Mathletes, shall we? First, the Springfield Elementary Action Fractions! They rhyme and they (groans) And, uh, from the right side of the tracks, the Waverly Hills Elementary No Equals.
They're spoiled and rich.
Yo! What did the right angle say to the wider angle? Well, not knowing these fellows, I-I couldn't say.
You're obtuse! (all laughing) (groans) Now, let's welcome our celebrity guests, former winners of this very contest and current high-flying-- yes, you heard me-- I said high-flying, high flying-- tech entrepreneurs! Gary, Doug and Benjamin, who invented Whereditgo.
That's an app that finds the other apps on your phone.
Enables you to glayvin with your friends' mobile hoyvin.
One year ago, we were dateless nerds living in our mothers' basements.
Now the basement we live in is in a giant mansion.
Yeah! Yeah! And we own some kind of sports team.
(laughs) All right, calm down, just calm down.
Now, here to support these fine student scholars is the man who loves math Math?! I thought you said "meth"! Drug reference! Uh, seriously, what am I here for? Nobody told you? They send a limo, I get in.
It takes me somewhere.
Then I watch the news later to see what I did.
(crowd cheers and applauds) What a nightmare.
That's fair enough.
Boo-hayvin! The teams have created introductory videos about themselves.
Let's watch them, shall we, with our eyes? NARRATOR: Springfield Elementary was originally designed as a storage facility for salt pork.
At some later point, it was turned into a school.
CHALMERS: Chalmskinn.
On hot days, pork grease still comes out of the walls.
Oh, quit your whining.
FRINK: And now, Waverly Hills.
Hi, I'm movie genius Michael Bay.
I used to be all like, "Math? Who needs that noise, am I right?" But I wasn't right.
The Waverly Hills math team made me realize that quadratic equations are hotter than a million Megan Foxes.
Math on! Yo, Waverly Hills! You guys rock! Like my friend The Rock! I know his real first name! It's Dwayne! I win Hollywood! Celebrate now, you stuck-up snobs.
(cheering) But our plucky little school is going to surprise you.
We will surprise you all! (cheering) Well, Lisa, we didn't score a single point.
That was surprising.
(crying) Oh, you'll get them next time, honey.
No! No, we won't! That school is so rich! Every kid has a laptop! Her crying is sadder than a child actor "Where are they now?" story.
LISA: It's true.
As graduates of Springfield Elementary, we want to give back.
We're going to buy every student a tablet computer and upgrade your entire school with the latest cloud-based technology.
Here's a check.
Take this check.
NARRATOR: The first black president is decades away from being a reality.
Come back with my fall semester! We don't need filmstrips like Life in These 48 States anymore, because our school is going all digital! (grunts) GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Ow, damn it! The teachers union won't stand for this.
It means less work for you.
I didn't know it was possible to do less work.
How intriguing.
He said I've been to the year 3000 Not much has changed Not much has changed But they lived underwater Underwater And your great-great-great granddaughter Is pretty fine Is pretty fine I took a trip to the year 3000 This song had gone multiplatinum Everybody bought our seventh album And if we're ever invaded, just click this.
I took a trip to the year 3000 This song had gone multiplatinum Everybody bought our seventh album.
Oh, it's wonderful.
We can finally afford attractive teachers.
(groans) I was the only one here who understood osmosis.
Spare me, ug-o.
(groans) Willie, since all our books have been digitized, we have no need for the paper versions-- burn these.
Wouldn't it be easier just to toss them out? Nonsense! We now have this state-of-the-art digital book burner.
Hmm.
(laughs) Listen to her hum.
What's that?! Well, we didn't want to leave you out of the digital revolution.
Willie, meet your new supervisor.
Aw, I have to take orders from a machine? Oh, it can't speak.
But should it ever learn, yes.
("Star Spangled Banner" playing) (groans) Will there ever be a technology that teaches stupid children how to ding a dang triangle?! This school has spent the last Let us spend the next 50 mired in now! (singsongy): Bo-Ron! And with this ring, we unite these ancient warring clans, who frolic unclothed, even in winter, and bring peace to Decapita! (screams) Pay cable is awesome! Who knew they had nipples in castle times? You're not supposed to be able to get outside our network! You shouldn't have made your password "password.
" Well, it was the name of the street I grew up on.
Password Drive! (crackling and buzzing) Seymour, you plugged the servers in with surge protectors, didn't you? Oh, yes, power strips.
You fool.
Surge protectors are always power strips.
But not vice versa! Was that us? No, sir.
(chuckles) I like it when it's not us.
(clock ticking) Let's see.
Roman numerals.
Photosynthesis.
Uh, Robert E.
Lee.
Miss Hoover, are you teaching or are you just saying anything that comes into your head? Miss Hoover, please report to the main office.
You just did that in your hand! Ralph Wiggum, put your head down.
You're the mouth-hand! All right, class.
We don't have computers and we don't have keyboards.
But that doesn't mean we can't practice our typing.
Now, put your index fingers on marshmallows F and J, and tap-tap-tap.
Tap-tap-tap.
Tap-tap Nelson, stop that! This is my dinner.
I'm eating steak.
Mmm! Mmm! Needs sauce.
Great news, children.
I found an educational movie I can play on my phone.
Crowd in-- it's kind of a little phone.
NARRATOR: Mathematics! Agriculture! Are there two more exciting words? Since the time of the Romans, they used scythes to kill each other.
The ancient farmer needed tools to measure his land.
Ten stick knots right.
Five left.
Hmm.
(humming a tune) (groans) Oh, come to mock ol' Willie, have you? "Ooh, Willie has to work in the hot sun all day.
Willie's best friend is a stick and a string.
" I'm not here to mock you.
"Ooh, Willie doesn't know when someone's being sincere!" I'm just here to hang out.
What's that device you're using? My rummlie scob.
Nothing exciting.
Just a measuring stick dating back to the ancient druids.
Oh! Could you tell me how it works? Each knot marks the length of a sheep's bladder.
The play field is 75 stomachs by 52 kidneys.
That's 163 square haggises.
Move over, metric system! I'm learning the gastric system! Clever.
Uh, good news, sir, I have assembled a page on "the piglims" at "Rhymouth Pock.
" Yes, well, that's the best we can hope for.
Uh, apply the transparent tape.
Principal Skin-ner! Willie has showed me that losing our technology doesn't have to be the end of our learning.
We can turn our school into a Waldorf school.
You mean like the hotel? Nope! In elementary school, Waldorf education focuses on hands-on activity and creative play.
In secondary education Ah, not our problem.
After sixth grade, it's good-bye and good luck.
(both chuckling) Yes, yes, it is.
Well, it sounds good, but I have one more question.
Is it based on the book where you find the guy in the hat? Where's Waldo? That's not even the name.
I'm surprised you guys didn't think it was based on the salad.
BOTH: There's a Waldorf salad? (groans) Behold-- Waldorf education in action! We're getting our hands dirty and learning by doing.
So I have to make but I only have one pound of hamburger meat.
How many cubic feet of Styrofoam peanuts should I add? Assuming four peanuts per Joe, Well, you're a smart little fatso.
It says here that students don't have to raise their hands.
They should just ask every question that comes to their mind.
Oh.
Why are pine needles pointy? And, um-um-um, what's the difference between an asteroid and a meteor? And, mm ooh-ooh! Can you shrug anything other than your shoulders? (sighs) Does anyone else have any questions? Um, if Mommy's purse didn't belong in the microwave, why did it fit? We won't need computers, we won't need books.
I learned not to drink out of the crick.
You mean this isn't crick water? My daddy raised me and all my 11 dead siblings on crick water! Huh, everyone wears a hat.
Sun hats in the summer, wool hats in the winter.
Ooh, look at this.
Weekly Friday night parents' meetings.
Oh Wait.
There might be a safety hatch.
Does the apostrophe come before or after the "S" on "parents"? After, which means both parents.
(groaning) Well, I'm not wearing a hat.
People might think I'm bald.
(Homer grunting) Before we share announcements and see the results of grade three's dance study of willows and drooping trees, we greet the day with a school song.
Now I have to sing a song?! Why did those idiots mix up power strips and surge protectors? Every single living creature Every cat and every flea All things with a facial feature Have the right to smile at me Every family is a unit Sometimes yelling, sometimes mad Divorced or gay or even foster Even Billy with three dads.
I feel like Beethoven when Charles Grodin finally accepted him as his dog.
This school is so great now.
Kids learn by doing.
If it's so great, why aren't you helping your kids do their homework? Bart's here doing it right now.
No, no, no! Not two-thirds, one-half! Now that's one-third each.
Now you're learning! (laughs) Enjoy.
One earthworm Gah! Two halves.
ALL: Wow! Willie! Willie! They want you to coach our school math team! I'll have to check with my supervisor.
(dings twice) Good to go! So, if Willie gets paid three cents per square foot for seeding, and if the field is 2,500 square feet, what is Willie getting? I'd say "screwed.
" (groans) You're right! You! Chalmers! Aah! Uh-oh.
(tires screech) Come back here, you Willie-chiseling cheat! (grunting) (tires screeching) (horn honking) Hey, who threw that egg at a most efficient It was me, sir.
Kids, meet your new math team captain.
It's about time.
But I'm the captain.
Not anymore.
I can't see.
I can't see.
Welcome to the long-anticipated rematch between Waverly Hills and Springfield.
(crowd cheering) (grunting) Um, can you tell me which college I should go to? (stammers) It's not a sorting hat! Please! Early applications are due next week! All right.
Uh, Miami of Ohio.
(groans) Okay.
Our first question is a toss-up.
"What is the least common multiple of six, eight and 16?" Is correct! (all gasp) Whoa! No one said there'd be math! We said there'd be nothing but math! And you're the math team captain! I thought I wouldn't have to do anything.
You know, like an Italian cruise ship captain.
You're lucky that captain's not here right now to answer your insult! He'd crash a ship right into your house! Aah! ("Pi" by Kate Bush playing) Oh, he love, he love, he love He does love his numbers And they run, they run They run him in a great big circle In a circle of infinity ESPN isn't covering this.
D'oh! Point one, four One, five, nine Two, six, five, three, five Eight, nine, seven, nine Three, two.
And so, with the score knotted at 29-all, it comes down to one last question.
Drawing three straight lines, construct nine non-overlapping-- that's non-overlapping, not overlapping, but non-overlapping-- triangles.
HOMER: Huh? Ooh.
(chuckles) I have the answer! (all gasp) As someone whose dad's hair is made of Ms, it's child's play.
Oh, not this again.
Whoo-hoo! I'm a solution! The Action Fractions win! You guys might be richer and better looking, but we won a contest to even the series! Mm, that'll look great in our trophy case.
Willie, build a trophy case.
Aye, sir.
But you know what we should really thank for our success? Lower standards! ALL: Lower standards! Aye.
You're wonderful, Willie.
You and the ancient Scottish scientist that invented the rummlie scob.
Well, the truth is, it wasn't invented for science.
Really? Then what for? Oh, it was used for hanging sheep stealers! The wee knots kept them alive longer to make the punishment more cruel.
(shudders) Maybe I don't want to know these things.
Can you say something nice about Scotland? Well, sometimes the fog comes in and covers everything terrible.
Very atmospheric.
Oh.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Homerland
The Simpsons s25e01 Episode Script
Homerland
(pilot screams) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (Bart chuckles) (grunts, groans) America faces an ominous new threat-- terrorism.
We must be vigilant, secure every home, every church, every Kwik-E-Mart and presidential library.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I grew up in a little town in Arkansas, whose name, ironically, was Terrorism.
(loud explosion) (explosion, television static) Ooh, there's new marshmallows in the Belfast Charms! No! No, that's Bart's cereal.
It's the only way I can get him to take his "vitamins.
" (sighs) Eat up.
The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
That's not right.
Yes, it is.
They're my lines as the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.
Okay, I'm ready for the Nuclear Workers Convention.
It's a little sad-- the guys who did the funny skit last year, well, they're all very sick.
Did you pack everything you need? Even better.
I never unpacked from the time we went to Hawaii.
Whoo! My lava's almost cooled! (sizzling) (thump) I'm still cold.
Oh, a whole weekend away from my family.
I can't believe I have to miss taking the kids to buy gym uniforms.
Send me a picture? Poor guy.
Salt of the earth.
ALL (chanting): Convention! Convention! Convention! Convention! Convention! STEWARDESS: Oxygen masks on.
Convention! Convention! (air horn blasting, siren blasting) Man I love conventions.
Yeah, theyâre the perfect combination of work and binge drinking.
Now look guys, we are here for one important reason.
To get free swag.
Swag, I'm gonna grab forever.
Somethin' I really don't need.
Swag! I'm gonna have And I don't even have 40 keys.
Swag! Interested in learning a procedure that could save your life? More free stuff More free stuff Uh, all I have are these spec sheets.
More free stuff, more free stuff ALL: Swag! (grunt, thud) (gasps) There's that woman I always have a "same time next year" affair with.
And she's with her frumpy friend I always have dinner with when you two disappear.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
(slurps) Put up your nukes! (chuckles) Halpern! Hey-hey! The wild man of Wichita! I still haven't forgiven you for putting that dead goat in my bed.
He wasn't dead till you rolled over on him! Ha! (laughing): Oh, yeah.
Take that.
In your face, boy.
Ow! Ow! Hey! (angry grunting) I'll kill you! You son of a! (deep panting) Oh, come here, you.
Oh Ah, yeah.
It could be, if we introduce, Sherman from I.
T To my good friend spike.
Halpern, what will you think of next? Nothing.
This is it.
(slurring): Hey, here's a brainstorm for you.
Check if it's plugged in before you call I.
T.
! You think I like talking you monkeys through a password change?! (grunts) (laughter) (slurring): To texting! Hello.
Where's Homer? Homer, Homer-- when did I see him last? Geez, I don't know.
(vomits) Yeah, Homer's a great guy, but that doesn't mean I constantly think about whether he's still alive or not.
You're taking a picture of 'em in their moment of grief? It's okay.
This camera has an "auto cheer" feature.
Aw Aw Well, he's not in the Boise morgue.
Maybe he was mistaken for a dead elephant and flown back to Kenya.
You're talking about my husband.
To spare your feelings, we'll just call him the Blob.
Two to one says the Blob is stuck in the water-intake pipe at the reservoir.
Please, I need people here who are helpful and sensitive.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
I had some trouble getting the voice mails off the 9-1-1 line.
Why does everyone have to talk so fast and panicky? MAN (slowly and clearly): A man with a gun is in my house.
Gibberish.
(barking) Hello, everyone.
Homie! What happened to you? I overslept, lost my cell phone, missed my flight.
Why didn't you call us? Well, all the pay phones at the airport were replaced by self-serve yogurt.
I ate all the cookie dough toppings a man could want.
So many cookies will never be born.
Well, I guess all that matters is, everything's back to normal.
(explosion) Yes.
Back to normal.
Dear Christian God Hey! Sorry.
Dear God-- you know which one I mean-- thank you for returning our Homie.
He's still got a lot of unfinished business down here.
Amen.
I'm glad you're back, Dad.
It's hard to sleep with one unkissed cheek.
Yeah, it's tough being man of the house.
You left some big underpants to fill.
I didn't know they made Underoos in size 52.
They're called Superoos, son.
With pictures of the cast of The Expendables.
More like The Expandables.
(chuckles) Why didn't you strangle me? That kind of small-scale violence solves nothing.
Couldn't agree more.
Now to celebrate.
Ta-da! Pork chops crusted with Cheeto dust.
Uh, I'll pass on the pork.
(spits) I'll just enjoy these green beans with slivered almonds.
Mmm, so slivered.
Mmm.
(quietly): Bart, why is the dad I always wished for creeping me out? I don't know.
'Cause you're incapable of experiencing joy? Yay.
(groans) Point taken.
Dad, what's that on your lap? A napkin.
(others gasp) Glad you're back, buddy.
You got a lot of catching up to do.
(grunting, panting) Can I just get a glass of water? Water? That stuff killed my grandmother.
So sad.
I've been having snuggle dreams.
Marge, I changed in Boise.
I'm not sure a man who eats right and doesn't drink can be good in bed.
Well, what made you? You're so beautiful when I cut you off in the middle of a question.
(both moaning) (gasps) Oh.
Oh, my.
What's that thing you're doing? HOMER (sultrily): Moving my body.
MARGE (chuckling): Oh.
(humming happily) Don't you think it's weird that Dad stopped eating pork and drinking beer? Who cares what happened? Daddy's back.
(grunts) (humming happily) Something happened to Dad on that trip.
This is worse than when he went to New Orleans and came back with a Southern accent.
(deep Southern accent): Uh, how y'all doin'? (crunch) (dog barking in distance) Chief Wiggum, how come every time there's a terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me? Lay off, Apu.
When I look at people, I don't see colors.
I just see crackpot religions.
Chief, is there really a terrorist threat to Springfield? Yeah.
I got a very important phone call.
(phone rings) Yello? MAN: Is this line secure? Uh, it's a little jiggly but it'll hold.
We got intel-- uh, that's short for a word I don't know Intelligence? I don't believe so, no.
Anyway, this intel says that someone in town has been turned and they're working for terrorists.
(gasps) Now, I got to go check my other suspects.
Uh-huh.
But I may be back.
Huh? (gasps) Dad's kneeling on a prayer mat.
He doesn't believe in kneeling.
(chanting indistinctly) Huh? It looks like he's praying.
To the east.
The Middle East.
Mecca.
(quietly): He's targeting the nuclear plant.
Meow? If you are a cat, prove it.
Do you hate Mondays, like Garfield? (screeches) And do you love lasagna, like me? Meow.
Okay then.
(humming happily) Mom, I have to tell you something about Dad, something big! I know.
He's changed.
Exactly.
For the better.
And men don't change that way.
But-but Do you know what we're doing on Sunday? Brunch with the Hibberts.
Then the tile store.
He's like a husband in a widow's memory-- perfect.
(grunting) Perfect.
Perfect.
(beeping) (phone rings) FBI.
I think someone I love is a terrorist.
Does that make me crazy? No, no.
Not at all.
It took me two hours to get home.
Traffic was crazy.
Are you people talking about me? No.
We're not even here right now.
I'll be right there.
And don't believe what you've heard about me.
I haven't heard anything about you except from you.
Hanging up the receiver, eh? (gasps) How much did you hear? How much did you say? Nothing, really.
So I heard half of nothing.
Dad, you're scary when you're calm and focused.
Lisa, I'll miss you when this is all over.
When what's all over? This conversation.
(chuckles nervously) See you on the other side.
What other side? Of the house.
Where the fireplace is.
We're toasting marshmallows.
Marsh mallows.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Who the hell are you? Agent Crawford, FBI.
You guys know I don't talk to field agents.
Get your boss on the phone.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for your dad.
What do you want with his dad? Go back to sleep, Milhouse.
How do you know my name? I didn't.
But I do now.
Don't talk.
Okay.
I want you to know I'm the best there is at finding out what you're up to.
Ooh.
I can torture you.
I can give you incredible sex.
Or you can just tell me what I want to know.
What was the first one again? I see.
You're stupid.
Hey.
I'm the one in bed with two beautiful women.
(gasps) You think I'm beautiful? Oh! In a breaking-and-entering kind of way.
Well, give me something, or I'm not leaving.
(snoring) Let's just say I've got to get to work on time.
And if you knew me, you'd know just how odd that sounds.
Who are you talking to? No one.
You're in too deep, Annie.
Get out.
Are you real, or my imagination? Either way, my advice is sound.
I love my job.
HOMER (Ã  la Islamic call to prayer): It is the climax What everything's been Buil Di-ing to Hope it pays off for you Ooh-ooh-ooh.
(beeping) What you got there, Homer? Weird thing under a tarp.
That's what I thought.
Have a good one.
(laughs) You laugh now, but you won't be laughing soon.
He's right, because now I go back to remembering that my cat just died.
He's in.
(knocking) One sunrise burrito, please.
Fine! FEMALE VOICE: Facial recognition required.
(high-pitched whirring) Welcome, Mr.
Burns.
(grunts) Dad? Huh? How'd you get in here? Girl Scout cookies get you in anywhere.
Please don't do this, Dad.
I don't know what horrors you saw in Boise, but it's not worth blowing up everyone you love.
I'm not blowing up the plant.
(chuckling): Oh.
Just harmlessly stopping it from doing more damage to Mother Earth.
Is that something your terrorist masters told you to tell me? (sighs) Yes.
My terrorist masters are always talking about you, Lisa.
I missed my flight, so I got in a van with some eco-friendly activists.
They wanted gas, grass or ass, and, brother, I had the ass.
They taught me something I found shocking.
Pigs aren't happy to be made into pork chops.
This T-shirt lied to me.
And they also gave me an alcohol detox.
Nothing's shakin' on Shakedown Street Used to be the heart of town Don't tell me this town ain't got no heart Oh! Oh! Oh, I've been listening to this song for three days, and it's only the end of the first verse! LISA: But I saw you praying to Mecca.
Lisa, I've never prayed to a city in my life, and if I did, it would be Hershey, Pennsylvania.
I was kneeling on the affirmation rug they gave me.
See? (rhythmically): Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
But wait, wait, wait.
What is this? Lisa, the most horrible truth of all is, the plant where I work poisons our water and our air.
I've told you that a million times.
Aw, sweetie, you told me a thousand things a million times.
Even with a brain the size of a dinosaur's, I couldn't take that in.
Anyhoo, this canister is full of spoiled milk and utility-grade chicken, both sold to me by Apu this morning.
When I release it into the AC system, it'll stink up the plant forever.
No one can use it, but no one gets hurt.
Just like when I smell up the toilet.
(knocking) (gasps) Huh? (grunting) (door opens) There he is.
Use your fattest handcuffs.
Hey.
Uh, it's not what you think, Lou.
Lou, Lou, Lou.
(ululating): Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou! (groans) I can complete my dad's mission just like George W.
Bush.
I can't shoot a little girl.
(gunshot) Ah, damn it! There's some things they just don't teach you in the police academy movies.
(distorted grunting) (electronic trilling) (rhythmic chugging) We did it, Dad.
We did it.
We sure did.
(grunts) You weren't shot.
No, I was just up late watching a movie.
Something with William Holden and (snoring) Your plan failed.
Thank God this plant has never had a functioning air conditioner.
Wait a minute, Burns.
You don't have a functioning AC system at a nuclear plant? That's against the law.
That's impossible.
Smithers, didn't we move this plant to China? Sir, that's two years from now, and you're not supposed to tell anyone.
Oopsie.
There isn't a prison made that can hold me.
Prisons are still made of mud and wattles, right? No.
Concrete.
(gasps loudly) You know, Dad, just because your mission's complete, it doesn't mean you have to go back to pork eating and beer drinking.
A beer from the sky! It's a sign! (laughing) Yeah, this equipment will pay for itself in one night of binging.
I wish a mission could bring me closer to someone, but it can't.
Okay, it's time for me to walk alone into the sunset.
(gulps loudly) That's better.
(groans) Amazingly, the hamster's older than I am.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Treehouse of Horror XXIV
The Simpsons s25e02 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXIV
(thunder crashing) (electrical crackling, bird squawks) (moaning growls) (bellows) (moaning) (gasps) (electrical crackling) (grunts) (suspenseful music plays) (birds cawing) (yelling) (gasps) (grunting) (whistle blows) (shrieks) (screams) (gasps) (yells) (beeping) (groans) (singing opera) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (monster shrieking) (bird caws) (chuckles) (all screaming) (all moaning, shrieking) (horn honking) (panting) (screams) (tires screech) D'oh! (horn honking) (yells) (moaning) (screaming) (screaming fades, clocks ticking) (grunts, gasps) (electrical zapping) LISA: 'Twas Halloween night, with the kids door-to-dooring, and all over town the blood sugar was soaring.
(doorbell rings) Give me your candy! LISA: But the Simpson abode was deep down in the dumps, 'cause from little to bigger, the kids had the mumps.
MARGE: Now, I'm off to a party, my outfit is chic.
It's a Catwoman costume, I'm sure is unique.
(dog howls) Wait a second-- it's Halloween? Just rest on the sofa, I'll be home by 10:00.
Can we have some candy? Just one M&M.
LISA: Then we heard a loud crash.
HOMER: D'oh! We were tempted to scat.
BART: And we looked and we saw him LISA/BART: The Fat in the Hat! I'll save Halloween for you three grumpy tots.
Just stick out your rumps for some mump-stumping shots! (sighs) Now hop on my cycle, there's nothing to fear.
And we shall have candy and maybe some beer.
Huh? You should not be here when their mother's away! And you should be dead, you're so wrinkled and gray! I'll give you the business, you yellow sea cow! This go-getting oldster will Where am I now? (grunts) We'll fix up this mix-up in two minutes flat, with the helpers I've hidden right under my hat.
(kids exclaim) I uh, I knew there was something I left off my list.
Without food, air and water, they cease to exist.
(explosion) I am the Borax.
I speak for the woods.
But I've plastered my likeness on consumer goods.
HOMER: Sellout! Hey! Oh, the Fat in the Hat doesn't care what moms say The minute they leave you, he'll take you away (gasps) His breakfast is dinner His dinner's dessert You might see his name on an AMBER Alert! Trick or treat! Who buzzed the buzzard? Don't pester the rich.
I don't hand out candy, you son of a Gritch.
BART: He pulled out bamfoozlers and side-winding gizzles.
(explosion) (laughing) He laughed as he heard that old codger's house-sizzles.
Let this be a lesson to those who love cash, that your nice stash of cash could be gone in a flash.
And if you are awful and nasty and cruel Enough with the lessons! This isn't a school! (neck cracks) Once a year we are not hungry Thanks to Christian charity.
(all gag) (toilet flushing) (snoring) I don't got no candy, I only serve beer.
And who said that you could bring minors in here? Your peanuts are pawed through, your beer smells like skunk.
And you just pissed off the wrong fat, furry drunk! (gasps) Hey, hey, hey! This is supposed to be a children's story! Go grab all his money and vodka and gin.
And I'll knit a nice thnord from his leathery skin.
Say, Mr.
Hat, I don't mean to complain, but you promised us candy, not mayhem and pain.
BART: The dude thought a while, then said: I know a man! With an overpriced store, who'll give all that he can.
Take whatever you want.
I don't want any trouble.
Take Jims that are Slim, and gum of the bubble.
I won't shoot you now, 'cause I've found something cruel-ah, an afternoon off with eight kids and Manjula.
(bike bell rings, kids laughing) (kids laughing) No! Oh, the Fat in the Hat Has some anger issues And some highly unusual political views If he comes a-calling, you'd better hide 'Cause he's committing aggravated floop-fluffle-cide! Don't forget me! Floop-fluffle-cide! BART: We had to escape from this behatted mammal.
(burps) LISA: So we hitched us a ride on a three-hump gumbamel! A gumbamel's a camel but faster and humbler.
It doesn't take tips and it's never a grumbler.
So if you must leave in a kind of a scramble, then jump on the hump of a humble gumbamel.
BART: But if the gumbamel should ramble, then stumble, then just hop atop a Krustiferous Krumbull.
But then if that Krumbull should happen to tumble, just call your amigo, the bee man of bumble.
(exhales) BEE MAN: Ay-yi-yi! LISA: We thought we'd escaped from our psychotic guide but when we got home, he was waiting inside! I'm staying forever.
You're all stuck with that.
'Cause I'm your new daddy, the Fat in the (screams) I'm frightened of nothing, not even hellfires.
Just don't let me ever be played by Mike Myers.
(groans) BART: Now please do not worry, 'cause we did okay.
Yes, kids will get candy, whatever you say.
PILOT: What the hell?! (Bart laughs) Bart, isn't it dangerous to fly your kite PILOT: Stupid kids! by an airport? Hey, if they get on an airbus, they know they're taking their chances.
Kite at 2:00! I don't know what that means, I have a digital watch! (pilots scream) (both groan) What's my wife's picture doing on your control screen? Over.
Homina, homina, homina.
Over.
(yawns) (groans) Nowhere to tie my kite and I forgot my scarf.
(gasps) Bingo! I'm seeing a 12-car pileup, a naked rooftop cookout, and Oh, my God! A box kite! (screams) (sighs) Well, at least it's a beautiful night.
(grunts) I'm alive! All patched up! End of story.
Actually, there's a little more.
Ay, caramba! I'm sorry.
This was the only way to lengthen Bart's life for a year while shortening yours by 30.
I thought I was donating blood.
You are.
Along with lymph, spinal fluid, and all the trimmings.
(chuckles) But, Lisa, your brain is still in complete control.
I could do what I want to Bart's head? Aw, geez.
Strangle me out of this, Fatso.
Why you little! I'll teach you to make medical history! Oops.
Ah, all good.
D'oh! (neck cracks) (humming) (spits) Hey, boy, since you don't need a bedroom anymore, I finally get my man cave.
Man cave! Everyone's welcome to my man cave! I assure you, we've spared no effort to accommodate your special-needs student.
And done.
So, in conclusion, my show-and-tell is this! Excellent, Lisa.
A-plus.
Bart, your turn.
Well, my show-and-tell is that I'm on Lisa's body.
Derivative and repetitive! F-minus.
Aw! (giggles) Bart, I expected more from a fourth-grade head.
(gasps) You're rotating it in the wrong direction! (both grunting) That was gonna be my show-and-tell! Bart, Lisa, I'm afraid you two are going to be together for a long time.
Why don't you try to say something good about each other? Well, she's pretty healthy for someone who's been living with cooties.
Bart, aren't Lisa's ears clean? Yeah.
It's like looking down a Canadian tunnel.
What else? Well now I always have someone to eat lunch with.
Great! That's as much therapy as your parents can afford.
I think we've made some progress here.
Great Oh, and I have this "two heads for one" coupon.
Well, that's for lettuce.
How about this one? "One random disorder free with every schizophrenia.
" That's mine, but it's expired.
D'oh! (playing "When the Saints Go Marching In") Should've chopped off Bart's head long ago.
Sleep well, Lis.
Somehow, sewing my head on your shoulder brought us closer together.
Rainbow oh, Rainbow Oh not the pony dream again.
(gasps) Hey, I did that.
Yep, that's me.
When she's asleep, I'm in control.
Lis, I'm gonna make sure you stay asleep.
(laughs evilly) Ooh, mix-ins! Mmm.
(snores) (falls down stairs, grunts, shouts) Son of a (grunts) (snoring) (engine sputters, dies) You start a car as well as you start a family.
You wait here while I go get the jumper cables.
MRS.
SKINNER: Oh, a panic attack, huh? Well, I'll give you something to panic about! (grunting) (groans) Now I'll just cut off her annoying head and this body will be all mine.
Or we both die.
Not really sure what the rules are.
(gasps) Why, Bart? I thought we were friends.
A brother can never be friends with his sister.
Are you really, really sure? I'm afraid I am.
Well, then, I guess I have no choice.
(yells) How could this go wrong? 'Cause in a head-to-head battle, the one with the most brains wins! (groans) (groans) Well, wherever I am, it's gotta be an improvement.
Guess again.
(moans) Now I can always sing karaoke duets.
Mock Yeah.
Ing Yeah.
I feel your pain, brother.
Now, I need you to memorize these 10,000 setups by next week.
Help me, Doctor.
So this is what successful post-op looks like.
(circus music plays) BURNSUM: Step right up.
Step right up, only two bits! (snickering) (slurps, growls) Thrill as Thrill as Marguerite conquers the air! (cheering) Laugh at the clown's buffoonery! Seriously, folks, I really think we should stop this Hitler guy.
(laughing) Disbelieve, as the Strong Man pulls a wagon with his bare tongue! This is the song that you hear at the circus Sung by a guy that you see at the circus (muffled): Do-do-do, do-do-do Do-do-do D'oh! Or gape in terror at Almighty God's whoopsy-daisies the Freaks! (crowd exclaims) The Human Donkey.
Hee-haw! The Terrifying Callback.
Mock Yeah.
Ing Yeah.
Creatures from another galaxy! Actually, it's more of a globular cluster.
Not the dark, not the dark! Ah! And now I must ask that small children leave, good women avert their eyes, and men take a stiff slug of circus whiskey.
Behold, the most hideous creature of all.
How ya doin'? (audience screams) So, uh, anyone here from New Jersey? I'm goin' there next week.
(screams) (humming) (humming continues) Whoa! (grunting) (humming) Hey, torso! Huh? What's with the cookies? Even the human snail would've been done by now.
I am so sick and tired of people assuming that the human snail is, in some way, slow.
Good day! (grunts) All of you! Get back out there with your flippers flapping, and your stumps a-stumping! Joe and Jane Normal expect some entertainment for their nickel! Mr.
Burnsum! You should treat these poor people with respect! Marge! Get away from those freaks.
You belong to me! The dumb, hairless brute.
Well, you are the best this circus has to offer.
(laughing) Taste the strength of your fiancÃ©.
Ooh! Ooh With the mighty tongue God's given you, why can't you speak kindly of these imperfect angels? Marge, they knew what they were getting into when their parents sold them to the circus.
Enough! You will comport yourself with the dignity expected of a traveling freak show.
(grunts) Excuse me, ma'am, but, uh, I ain't never seen a normal stand up for us.
(sighs) I, too, am a freak.
One eye is blue, and the other a pale brown.
I wouldn't want to be you, lady.
Never give up hope, my friends.
Of all the kisses I have ever gotten in my life, that was the first.
Hey, you should ask her out, Moe.
Ah, but she's sweet on the strong man.
You're fine unless Rabbit Ears hears and tells Big Mouth.
(whispering) Wha?! I ain't got no chance with the strong man's girl.
He makes ten dollars a week plus all the sawdust he can eat.
Well, you've got an emerald ring.
My mother's ring.
(sobs) She gave it to me on her deathbed.
She also acquired it on her deathbed.
That was a very busy deathbed.
With an emerald that big, I could buy anything.
A jalopy, an icebox, a steamer trunk full of fedoras! But how do I get my hands on it? Oh, I'm an idiot! Of course! I get Marge to marry Moe, then I kill Moe, then she gets the ring, then I marry her and the ring is mine.
And the brilliance of my plan is its simplicity.
You're gonna be sorry you said that.
You're gonna be sorry you said that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I just lost my keys! Whoa-whoa-whoa What do you know? I am gathering moss! (owl hoots) Hey, Marge, you want to marry Moe? I'm engaged to you, my love.
The poor, lonely fellow is about to die.
Really? How? Well, let me worry about how.
But you know, you could make his last day a happy one.
And the ring is just the icing on the cake.
What ring? The ring that'll get me out of this lousy circus and into a good circus.
Now, let's get you married.
But wouldn't you be jealous, my love? (laughs) Dear, I am not the jealous type.
And from you, I have learned to feel compassion for these disgustos.
Aw (solemnly): She's a superfreak Superfreak She's superfreaky Yow.
"Yow" indeed.
And so, with the conclusion of our traditional wedding song, I now declare you husband and wife.
Moe, whatever small time together we have will be wonderful.
(laughs) A very small time! Those are strange things to say, but a wedding is no place to worry about threats from the bride's former lover.
Now, the toast.
To you, Marge.
Now you are one of us.
FREAKS (chanting): One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo! Why is it company parties always get weird? (cork pops) God, you are so beautiful in that peignoir there.
I, uh, better freshen up a little bit.
(humming) Set it to "massage," Jumbo.
(humming) Hmm? What are you doing? Oh! Trying to kill Moe so we'll get his emerald! By the way, I haven't checked, but emeralds are valuable, right? (gasps) Strong Man! Moe may be ugly on the outside, but inside, you are the true monster.
Leave my trailer forever! You're rejecting me? But I'm in the best shape anyone is in the 1930s.
I said go! (whimpers) (chanting): One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo! What the hell does "gooble goo" mean? (chanting): We don't know! Gooble goo! We don't know! Gooble goo! (gasps) You killed Burnsum! Now who is gonna say, "Step right up"? FREAKS: Gooble goo! Gooble goo! Tar and feather him! Tear off his drumsticks! Make him one of us! FREAKS (chanting): One of us! One of us! This is exactly why circus attendance is plummeting! And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
( How I Met Your Mother theme music playing) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY FREAKS (chanting): One of us!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Four Regrettings And A Funeral
The Simpsons s25e03 Episode Script
Four Regrettings And A Funeral
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (gentle orchestral music playing) (wind whistling) S-So lonely.
(raspy): No sex without a ring.
Damn it! (gentle orchestral music continues, giants laughing) (belches) (creaking) Mm.
What the?! Hey, whoa! (ghostly moaning) (crackling) What about us, man? Get your own couch.
(soft organ music playing) (organ music continues) Poor Chip.
Such a big part of everyone's life.
People called him the "sixth Simpson.
" I'm not sure why.
Chip did such a wonderful job with my biography.
(people murmuring) Chip was the life of Sector 6-F at the nuclear plant, but Chip once confessed to me he did have a few regrets.
(all gasp) Chip regretted never ascending Mount Springfield from the south face.
He regretted that the high school long jump record he set was wind-aided.
He often spoke of that asterisk.
He never broke par on hole 17 at Springfield Mini Golf.
(organ music resumes) Let us pray.
Eh, everyone has regrets.
Not me.
You? Your marriage is a dead fish floating in a tank of stale beer.
Your baby's addicted to pacifiers.
And your son is out of control.
Let us kneel.
(pained groans) Ow! My knees! (cackling) He's such a little dickens.
Although Dickens was pretty well behaved.
He's been screwed up since the moment Homer's DNA staggered into your womb.
I have no regrets about that.
It was a perfect pregnancy.
Didn't smoke, didn't drink, lost three pounds.
And every night before bed, Homer would give me a little kiss music! (gasps) Could Bart have been prenatally screwed up by the KISS music? Get up! Everybody's gonna move their feet Get down! Everybody's gonna leave their seats You got to lose your mind in Detroit Rock City.
Huh? Man, this is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever.
Well, for some reason it relaxes me.
Now, do that thing Gene Simmons does.
Overstay my welcome for 40 years? (whistling a tune) KENT BROCKMAN: Regrets, eh? This local newsman's had a few.
Covering a town of backwater rubes who, for some reason, hate my guts.
This is Kent Brockman (sighs) live at the Springfield Peach Parade.
Sir, could you give us eight seconds of your homespun wisdom? It's a little-known fact that you can get head lice from peaches.
Uh, this is my daughter Peaches.
(sighs) We'll have more regrets at 11:00 tonight following an all-new bottle of scotch.
HOMER (scoffs): You have regrets, Mr.
"I Get to See the Weathergirl From the Side"! I made the worst financial decision of all time.
Oh, I can't think about it.
I won't think about it.
I don't want to think about it! Oh, I'm thinking about it! Mm Hmm.
Huh? (shudders): Oh that's the coolest bowling ball I've ever seen.
Hello, Bear Stearns? I'd like to sell all my Apple stock so I can buy a fancy bowling ball.
You heard me.
Technology is a fad.
Heavy, black balls are the future.
Now let us text on our ubiquitous Apple tablets and phones.
(keys clicking) Oh, you cost me a piece of all that! Oh, don't cry.
If it makes you feel worse, I'm the man who bought the stock you sold.
I'll bet a rich man like you has no regrets at all.
Just one.
The girl that got away.
She broke my first heart.
So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets? I have no regrets.
Really, Mother? Oh, I didn't see you there.
(Irish accent): I'm Father O'Greedy.
Dimes for the needy.
(Milhouse chuckles) Milhouse, are you the bottom half of that mischief? MILHOUSE: Uh uh uh Oh, my.
My pants, like the Lord, work in mysterious ways.
Return those vestments.
Speaking of return on investments, my Apple stock is up 3,500%.
Aw, you misheard that on purpose! (grunting) Tithe denied! Tithe denied! Mm.
Must find way to blame myself.
Um, it says I should give you lumbar support.
Better go to the lumber yard.
"Lum- bar.
" It means "lower back.
" How many times will you make that mistake? (groans) Just put on the KISS record.
Which one? Anything from Love Gun.
Hey, book, are you expecting this? And while I'm at it Burn, dumb, helpful books.
That is a good fire.
(grunting) (pants) You're going down, Bart! (grunts, groans) Why? Ah, reckless youth.
He'll be okay.
I was referring to him.
I had a spring in my step like that once.
Back when I met Lilah.
Lilah ran a little crepe stand in the seventh arrondissement.
Oh, Monty, looking at you, I could lie in this unheated garret forever.
There's heat.
I just don't turn it on.
Seeing you there, in the sweet light of Paris between the wars, there's a question I must pose.
I have something for you.
Oh! Not that.
(chuckles) (grunts) (bubbling) (chuckles) Wrong box.
Lilah, will you take that big step from cousin to wife? (gasps) Oh, Monty, you must promise me one thing.
Anything she wanted I was willing to do.
Anything, except All I ask is that you set aside five minutes a day to think of others.
When you say "others," could they be bars of gold? (crying): I shall find another husband as good as you are evil.
No one's that good.
(sobbing) All I have left is my drawing.
Hm.
It looked a lot better in my memory.
Uh, but you know what, Smithers? I will find Lilah and win her back.
I'll just check with the old gang.
Hemingway! Picasso.
Matador Juan Belmonte.
And Stalin.
That man could really put pressure on you.
Hello, Kent.
Well, well, well.
Rachel Maddow.
Everyone came back for Chip's funeral.
I was flying from DC to New York and, of course, I had the layover in Springfield.
How's the gang at Channel 6? Look, let's get this out of the way-- just because we both worked at Channel 6 and you made it big and I didn't doesn't mean I'm bitter.
Um, Is that your car? Maybe.
Kent, I'm gonna tell you the most important mistake you ever made after this break.
So, Kent, that mistake you made, that fundamental, life-changing error, that cosmic fail, that Just tell me already! After this break.
You could have come with me, but you were suckling the dual teats of infotainment and celebrifawning.
(upbeat theme plays) So, tell us about your new movie.
It's fantastic.
The studio let us play in their sandbox.
Great.
We have a clip.
No! No, don't show it.
There aren't five good seconds in the whole film.
(car door closes, tires screeching) I'm not a newsman anymore, I'm a geologist.
I keep discovering a new rock bottom.
Kent, I think I found my ticket out of this town.
Or at least to a better Springfield.
You two newshounds working on a story? How about this? Mario's down the street found a rat in their pasta.
When did that happen? Whenever you want.
Eh? Rachel, can I come? We can share blazers.
Just follow me.
At Mario's, the picture of Sinatra on the wall is signed by Frank Junior.
The frame hides the "Junior"! Someone's been dumping tires in the forest.
Willikers! In my three years of soft news, I've never seen anything like this.
Those are tires from my ill-fated Krusty Town Car.
It would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly.
(laughs): What a scoop! You're not telling no one.
As the 4:00 p.
m.
clown, I have complete control of the Channel 6 news division.
Local news is a joke.
I'm going to cable.
Cable news! Bah! People only want news at 6:00 p.
m.
from white guys on weekdays and black guys on weekends.
We'll see about that.
Yes, we shall see.
About that, things will be seen.
By us.
Kent, you coming? He ain't comin'.
This little piggy's afraid to leave his cushy anchorman slop trough.
Could you, uh, phrase that a little more nicely? Sorry.
He "isn't" coming.
You'll regret this, Kent.
When I have my own show and you're stuck here tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole.
"Oh, look, he's over Greenland!" Don't worry, piggy, you made the right choice.
Eh, it'll burn out in an hour or so.
Grunting as he lifts Bryce in the air.
Look, Burns, I've got the dope on your sweetie.
She's still alive, and she just got over being mad at you last week.
Lilah's alive? Yeah, well, uh, she's alive, but she's a nun.
Married to Jesus, eh? Does he beat her? Jesus? No, he's a real Eagle Scout, that one.
But your penguin's not a Catholic, she's a Buddhist nun-- spent her life expressing her sexuality with a Zen garden.
Those raked rocks could have been me.
Now, since you're so good at finding things, find the exit.
There is the little matter of my fee.
You're becoming very tiresome.
Who moved my desk?! Well, here I am.
Cable news alley.
(dog howls) Fox News.
Is this really how I want to get back in the big leagues? Let's see how print journalism is doing.
Sir, do you sell The New York Times? Sir, we are The New York Times.
And in I go.
Why are you doing this, Bart? He's gonna visit my sky granny.
To work at Fox News, all you have to be able to do is operate this device.
Now, when a Republican is in trouble At the time, I didn't know it was illegal to sex up a cow on the Capitol steps.
we simply do this.
Now you try.
Sorry, but I just discovered I have some scruples.
I'm going back to my sweet little town where I can decide what news is.
Like a god.
We've had some good times.
Memories Rest between the pages of my mind Memories See me through the ages just like wine And you sat on the gas pedal when my foot fell asleep, so I'm getting you shined up nice.
What the? Oh! That's a ball-proof window, sir.
Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital? SIRI: I'm sorry, I don't see any "hops petals" near you.
Deleting all contact information.
No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri.
I Delete confirmed.
BART (groans): Oh.
Okay, Bart, be cool.
Calm down, you're not gonna die up here.
(indistinct chatter) (whooping, gunfire) (yells, whimpers) Aw D'oh! Oh, Monty, I can't believe you found me after all these years.
I've saved myself for you.
Well, then, uh (nervous chuckle) I should disrobe at once.
Housekeeping? Send up a Chinese dressing screen and one of Firestone's finest vulcanized prophylactics.
Be right back.
(laughs softly) Smithers? Which do I take first, the rhino horn or the tiger tongue? I have my doubts about both, sir.
Bah! I'll just do it the old-fashioned way.
With my pump.
(engine sputtering) (sputtering continues) (chuckles): Just powdering my nose, darling.
(engine continues sputtering) Smithers, run down to Sears, Roebuck and get a five-eighths-inch Phillips head bolt.
(tires screech) (sighs) Here I am, slowly dying every day at 5:00, 6:00 and 11:00.
BART: Help! Help! Child in danger with exciting visuals! This kid's corpse could be my magic carpet.
Get me a cameraman! The movie Up has come horribly to life over Springfield.
A local boy clings to life in a story that proves this reporter's relevance.
BART: Ay, caramba! (gasps) It's Bart! Pray for a miracle, boy.
God can hear you better from up there.
Dear Lord, please help me land safely.
Or transform this basket into a flying killer robot that I control with my mind.
Amen.
That's not a prayer.
My God says it is.
Oh, I see you're ice-cold with anticipation.
Dead? Oh, Lilah.
Even at the end, I waited too long.
What if I give her the breath of life? (soft exhale) Oh, boy.
I guess one regret just leads to another.
You know, sir, maybe it would bring you peace to honor the one thing Lilah ever asked of you.
Here you are, my good man.
A little broth will cure your mental illness.
(chuckles) Sir, that's five minutes.
You can stop thinking of other people now.
You know what, I think I'll give it another five.
I'm proud of you, Monty.
(kissing) I ain't eatin' that.
Chief, what are you doing to save our son? Well, I've placed marksmen on the roof to shoot the balloons one by one, but frankly they're not very good.
(gunshot) (grunts) (whining): Chief, it happened again.
Aw, come on, guys, spread out.
Arm's length.
It's all my fault.
I should never have listened to those KISS albums when I was pregnant.
Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous.
My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches when she was pregnant with Ralphie, and he can't even open a refrigerator.
Pushing, always always pushing.
Really? Oh, yeah.
That kid's a mess.
Hey! Only I get to criticize him, Lou.
Kid's scared to flush.
Think's it's his brother.
Can we focus on my son up in the sky? Oh, I've got a long-shot idea.
By which I mean firing a shot over a long distance.
(chuckling) Yeah, you see, if we could fire an exactly 12-and-a-half-pound weight into the basket, it would lower the boy very gently to the ground.
Unfortunately, all our cannonballs were melted down to make a statue of Joe Paterno, which we changed to look like Eugene Levy.
I think I just might have what you're looking for.
Today I'm glad that I sold that stock.
Uh, Apple closed up another 20 points today.
(whining): Why does everyone know? Because their terrific products keep track of it for you.
And anything else you could ever think of.
That kid's not dying on my watch.
Which ends right now, fortunately.
(hums a tune) (whimpers) CROWD (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! (laughing): Hey.
CROWD: Bart! Bart! Hmm.
(yells) Homer's rising faster than Apple stock.
(laughter) (Homer yells, grunts) My boy's okay! CROWD (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! I won the science fair! I get to go to Chicago! CROWD: Bart! Bart! Bart! Ugh.
Bart, Bart, Bart.
You know what I think about regrets? As long as your family is together, every choice you've ever made is the right one.
And together we are.
(gunshot) Would you guys knock it off? He's down safe already.
(gunshot) MAN: Sorry, Chief, that was me putting it down.
And there you have it-- a family reunited.
And a grateful nation gives thanks for some solid reporting.
Back to you, Rachel Maddow.
Great job, Kent.
I think we might have an opening for you at MSNBC between our weekend prison documentary block and the two hours it takes to make up Joe Scarborough on Monday morning.
(chuckles): No, thanks, Rachel Maddow.
I'm happy right here.
No regrets.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Hah! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  YOLO
The Simpsons s25e04 Episode Script
YOLO
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney burps) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screech) Not again! (classical music playing) Now, I, Bart Simpson, shall send the first coaster down the track.
Hmm.
(Milhouse grunts) (gasping) No, for once, I want to go first.
But, Milhouse, I already let you push me on the swings.
And it's an honor, but I'm doing this.
Ow! Knock it off, Milhouse! (grunting) (yells) Eat safety bar! (muffled): Why are we best friends? Because your seat was behind mine! (both grunting) (groans) (both crying) Feels like this playdate's gone on forever.
I'll handle this.
"Dear Weirdo, pick up weirdo kid.
" And send.
Aah! (gasps) Did you eat a peanut? No, I just sniffed a nectarine.
It's okay.
I can breathe through my tear ducts.
(whistling) Tell me if this gets annoying.
(whistling continues) I think I'm gonna throw up the mac and cheese you fed me.
I'm not supposed to have it.
That's why I had so much.
HOMER: What the?! If this kid's dad isn't here in one second, he's going in the garbage can.
(car honks) Hey, guys! Who wants a whiff of New Kirk Smell? "YOLO"? You Only Live Once.
Once again, cats have it better.
Kirk Van Houten.
I hope you're not having a midlife crisis.
Please.
Just 'cause I bought a new car, lost a little weight and started taking a DJ class, everyone thinks I'm having a midlife crisis.
Dad! You got me a skateboard? It's for me.
Now get in the back.
And while you're there, use this cream to massage the leather.
(leather squeaking) To the tooth-whitening kiosk! (laughing) I'm sorry, but does Kirk know how silly he looks? Look at me! I'm afraid of dying.
(laughs) Oh, Homie.
I'm so glad you're happy with your life just the way it is.
You've had the same job, same car, same house for 20 years.
And that's all you'll ever have.
A cycle you'll never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever change.
And you're okay with it! Like I say night after night after night nighty-night.
(birds chirping) Kent Brockman is here for your interview.
So, Kent, what brings you here? The miraculous tale of how we lost, then found, our Lost and Found box? Actually, Principal Skinner, I'm here to talk about something else cheating! (chuckles) I thought this was a puff piece.
You're wearing a sweater.
This journalism just turned gotcha! (gasps) That's right, Channel 6 will uncover the truth in a five-part series two minutes a day.
People, make room for your local Emmy nomination certificates.
No, do not make room.
Except for Mr.
Largo and his diet, there's no cheating in this school.
These 30 identical "What I Did This Summer" essays say different.
Um Myra, don't I have another appointment? Oh, this is your first appointment ever.
Let's take a look at this monitor.
This school is more corrupt than the Italian parliament.
If these children are our future, then I, for one, do not want to live.
NELSON (quietly): Ha-ha.
Please don't air this.
I'll tell you the winners of the kickball games in advance.
You can make a lot of cabbage betting on K-ball.
And that's what we'll end the story with.
No! This is Kent Brockman.
Pleased with himself.
You only Live once Or so it seems No life for yourself And none for your dreams You work Every day At a job so lame And every night The ending's the same.
No dream will come true You only Live once.
(deep breath) (crying to the tune of "You Only Live Twice") (higher-pitched crying) Yeah, well, at least you got your health, huh? Now let's see if I can take that away from you.
Your poison.
(groans) I'm tired of living once.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm starting to regret saying "YOLO.
" Marge, if you don't mind, I'm gonna quit complaining about my life and start wallowing in the past.
Postage, marked in pesetas? Who are those letters from? My old pen pal from Spain.
- Eduardo.
MARGE: Hmm.
Back in fifth grade, you either had to write to a foreigner or a prisoner.
I picked a foreigner because the prisoners wrote back too fast.
We'd write each other with our dreams of the future.
I was gonna be King of Cheeseburger Mountain.
(sighs) Did I change or did they stop making mountains out of cheeseburgers? Probably a little bit of both.
So sad.
(indistinct chatter) (overlapping chatter) What kind of moral example is this dump for my boy? (burps) (crowd clamoring) Please, calm down, everyone.
You know, maybe this so-called cheating scandal is actually an opportunity to, uh (clears throat) initiate a-a dialogue that would, uh, create a teachable moment.
Uh, something, something buzz word I got nothing.
Quick, get a picture for the yearbook! (crowd clamoring) LISA: I have a solution! You took your sweet time coming to our rescue, Lisa.
Maybe the best way to keep students from cheating is to trust them not to cheat.
(crowd murmuring) That's it? That's all you've got? Something I can read on a tea box? What I'm suggesting is we create an honor code.
Oh, swell, more work for the teachers.
The students would do it.
Let her speak! If every student pledges not to cheat, and to turn in any cheater, no one will cheat the system because they'll be the system.
ALL (chanting): Honor code! Honor code! I did it.
I saved the day.
The same way I won that battle in Vietnam.
By fainting! (doorbell rings) If you're my wife's secret lover, come in.
There's nothing I can do for her anymore.
I am looking for my amigo de la pluma.
Or "pen pal.
" (gasps) Eduardo? Is it really you? Why are you here? To save the soul of Homer Simpson.
Now where is he, old man? I'm Homer Simpson! Ay, dios mio! What has happened to you? (speaking in Spanish) Did your hair burn off in a fire that trapped you in a candy factory? I wish.
Marge Simpson.
It's so nice to meet a friend Homer met through the mail who isn't a sea monkey.
Yes, Eduardo Barcelona.
Or in English, Eddie Miami.
Homie, I thought a visit from your old pen pal would cheer you up.
Ah, how eagerly I would wait for a letter from the EstadosUnidos, and Homer Simpson.
HOMER: "Buenos dÃ­as, Eduardo.
" HOMER (continues): (chuckles) What happened to us, Eduardo? We had so many things we were going to do.
And I, my friend, have been doing them.
Yeah, well, listen, pal.
I have my treasure-- my wife and my children.
Ooh! I've had eight wives and 200 children! Among them artists, doctors and revolutionary chefs.
Do you have a disrespectful son who calls you by your first name? I cannot imagine such a creature.
Hey, Homer.
Did you just fart? Did you just fart, sir.
BART: Whatever.
Easy, easy, Homer.
I want to help you fulfill some of your childhood dreams.
Really? Now? I have two pizzas coming.
I wanted to see who would get here first.
Now, Homer! Get your coat.
I asked him here to cheer you up.
But I didn't think you'd drop everything to go gallivanting with some, no offense, Spaniard.
I promise you one thing, madam.
When I return your husband, he will be happy, bringing a new sense of adventure to your marriage and to the bedroom.
(panting) I'm not used to strange men saying the word "bedroom" around me.
Would you prefer, uh, "sala deamor"? That's even worse.
Could you say it one more time? Sala de amor.
(gasps) Ooh! Hello, children.
I hold before you a copy of the school's new honor code.
(all groaning) I know if I can get the toughest kid in class to sign it, the rest of you will sign it.
Milhouse? (grunts) He's not the toughest kid, I am! Mm-hmm! Now, the smartest kid.
Milhouse? He's not the smartest kid.
I am.
Now the class nerd.
Milhouse? (sighs): Oh.
(snickers) Homer, are you prepared to achieve the dreams of a ten year old? I took the liberty of crossing off the, uh, stupid ones.
Now, this book of your childhood drawings will come to life.
Why are you doing this? Wait, are you in love with me? In love with the concept of you, yes.
Woo-hoo! I'm an attractive concept like Liberty! (siren wailing) (tires screech) One more ride? All right.
Don't forget to ring the bell.
(bell ringing) (laughing, grunting) I'm sick of pirates off the street ruining my play! I'm going back to my old career! Care to see a dessert menu? We have the best cobbler since Daniel Day-Lewis.
How much did this cost to restage? They rented everything from Comic Book Guy for ten bucks.
Don't stink up the Gorn head.
I need it for a Bar Mitzvah later.
(birds chirping) Now don't forget, this is the first exam under the new honor code.
They're doing it.
They're self-proctoring.
Can't you say anything in a normal way? The answer, sadly, is not yes.
(crickets trilling) I don't know what it is about having all my dreams fulfilled, but I feel great! Oh, if you're happy I'm happy.
What? That doesn't sound happy.
I feel kind of, oh melancholy.
Mmm, melon collie.
(barking) That's not helping.
Well, what was your childhood dream? Jumping on the bed.
But I never disobeyed my parents.
Till I married you.
Let's do it.
Oh, I'm a little tired.
Could we just snuggle again? We do that every night! Come on! Jump on the bed! (Homer giggling) Ooh, okay! (both laughing) Can I help you, stranger? I am just watching my friend and his wife innocently pleasure themselves in bed.
That sounds salty, but you seem sweet.
I'm gonna call you Kettle Corn.
Eduardo, I haven't felt this good in years.
You're like the Tooth Fairy.
Except you don't collect human bones.
Yes, yes.
Of course I don't.
Here.
So, that's it? All my dreams, lived? Eh all but one.
Well, we've got to do it! I never leave a job unfinished.
It's as true now as that week I worked on the high school yearbook.
So much infighting.
I had to get out of there.
All right, Homer, we shall do this thing.
The editor put in like six pictures of this girl 'cause she was his girlfriend.
Everyone has a bad yearbook story.
They spelled my name wrong! Get over it! Ha! D'oh! (propellers churning) So don't do what I did.
That concludes our safety video.
(grunts) Just step out that door and you can glide to earth like your boyhood hero Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Uh, actually, my hero was the actress who provided Rocky's voice, June Foray.
A true legend in the voice-over community.
I'm just gonna stay on the plane and think about her influence.
She has lived her life.
Now, you must live yours.
No! Do not worry! I will follow the trail of your fear! (Homer yells) ANNOUNCER: Will Homer make it? Or will he leave a crater the size of the one that destroyed the Yucatan? Find out in our next exciting installment: Fat Splat or When You Squish Upon a Car.
Mmm, it's amazing.
Every day has the peace and serenity of a flu outbreak.
(laughs) Guess I'll be getting some extra credit for this.
Lisa, I'm afraid you've gotten all the extra credit we can give out.
So Willie has been growing you a nice pumpkin.
Here it is, lass.
You want me to carve it into a thank-o'-lantern? No, this is good.
Well, this knife's got to carve something.
(menacing music playing) (grunting) Homer! (grunts thrice) You don't have to flap.
Just glide on the wind.
Uh, okay.
Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! (grunts twice) Yes, good, much better.
(groans) I got Bart's backpack.
He got a hundred on his test? That's impossible.
(gasps) Is Bart cheating? Are the Pope's tweets infallible? (laughs) Bart, I'm gonna tell! No, you're not.
Because if you tell people I cheated, that means your system failed.
Oh, my God, you found a loophole! Why don't you put this much inventiveness into your work? Because then I'd be the one thing I swore I wouldn't.
You.
(whistling) I'm doing it! I'm flying like the squirrel I always knew I was.
Ooh, indigo! MARGE: Homer? (yells gibberish) It's me, talking in your earphone.
Come down, Homie.
"You only live once" also means when you die, you die! (cries out) What's going on? Hello? (goose honks) Hmm? (honks) Hmm? Hmm? (honks) Are you mocking me? You can listen to your wife when you are dead.
Savor the moment.
Majestic eagle.
Just like me, unashamed of his baldness.
(eagle cries) So beautiful.
Aw, he probably sees a mouse he wants to tear in half.
(grunts) D'oh! Stupid tallest building in Springfield! (grunting) Hmm (grunts) (grunting) Ha! Whoa! You've presented me with quite a conundrum.
A word you should know since it was on a vocabulary test you aced.
(giggles) But after some thought, all my worries went away.
I know the answer.
I'm gonna force you to turn yourself in.
Good luck with that.
The only thing that'll change my mind is a sign from God.
(Bart grunts) Son, it was so beautiful! I went faster than the speed of sound.
(Homer yelling) (grunts) Well, Bart, is that enough of a sign for you? All right, I'll turn myself in.
It'll give me a chance to work some more on the detention quilt.
(humming a tune) (all grunting) This patch is for all the victims of atomic wedgies.
My friend, you've lived your dreams.
No matter what, Homer Simpson has done it.
And soon I hope I remember who Homer Simpson is and his relationship to me.
But I have no regrets.
In fact, all this has given me a sense of calm I've never had before.
That's the morphine.
Can you give me the morphine forever? No way! A person on morphine all the time would constantly dissolve in inappropriate laughter.
(laughs) (sighs) Eduardo? Eduardo! Eduardo! (grunts) Oh.
It was all just a dream.
EDUARDO: It was not just a dream.
And you said you'd drive me to the airport.
Oh, yeah.
Great.
Um Do I drop you at the curb or do I have to park and walk you in? Go as far as your heart will take you.
You are a good friend.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY You only live once But that's okay You'll live quite long In the USA But back to my point You only live once You've got years and years Unless it's just months.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Labor Pains
The Simpsons s25e05 Episode Script
Labor Pains
(oogah horn blows) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (angry shouting) (dramatic music plays) (cries out) (belches) MARGE: Oh! Come on.
Just pick one.
(sniffing) Oh.
Fine, you can have your old one.
(Marge sighs) You can have one of these.
(sniffing) Hmph! Did you know some historians think American football is based on an ancient Aztec game? It's not American football, it's just football.
Bart, you're not annoyed that Milhouse asked me to go to the American football game instead of you? Mom, Lisa's ruining football.
American football.
No time for breakfast, Marge.
Just give me a banana.
(humming) Now, listen.
I have to work late tonight.
Again? I was hoping you could spend some time with the kids.
It's a tough economy.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
It grows on threes.
(laughs) Yeah, I'm out.
Me, too.
Too rich for my blood.
I should not have anted with my blood.
Whew.
You got the touch tonight, Homer.
(chuckles) Nice sunglasses, Lenny.
Homer Simpson.
Do you really want to keep cheating your friends, lying to your wife, and avoiding your kids? What would Jesus do? Hey, you gotta pay to find out.
You looking for a tell? I don't have one, my friend.
What? What are you lookin' at? I'd better call it a night, guys.
I don't want to take any more of your money.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Hmm.
Who's president now, Alexander Hamilton? I think it's Obama.
Hold the door, please.
(breathes heavily) Two minutes apart.
Timing the elevators, eh? Oh.
Smart.
Oh.
No, no.
I'm timing my contractions.
I think I'm in labor.
Deep in labor.
Okay, okay, no worries.
What the? Oh! Do you have a cell phone? Everyone has a cell phone.
Mine's at home.
The most beautiful moment of my life is happening now.
Everything will be fine.
UmOh you, uh, you like movies? This reminds me of that scene in Alien.
What? The scene where she escapes with the cat at the end.
Aw, well, that's sweet.
Listen, I'm glad I'm not going through this alone.
I haven't seen my boyfriend in months.
Oh, uh, he was just here.
No, he wasn't.
But thanks for lying.
You like lies? Here's a few: College is expensive but it's worth it.
I think the baby's coming.
Okay Homer, remember your Lamaze training.
Now, this next position is fantastic for women who are carrying especially big.
Homer, can you demonstrate? Mm-hmm.
Mm Oh.
Yeah, wow, that does feel good.
Oh, no, I think it's coming.
Oh, I haven't even picked a name yet.
You did this to me.
No, I didn't.
I'm talking to the baby.
Here it comes.
Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but your baby doesn't have any legs.
What? Oh, wait, there's more.
Mm.
(grunts) (baby cries) It's a dude.
And he's uncut.
Very Euro.
Now, hug your mommy.
For unto you is born this day, in this elevator, inspected in August 2009, a baby.
(elevator motor humming) (relieved sigh) Well, it was nice to share this moment with someone who cared.
Yeah, that guy didn't even look over once.
Lobby please.
(grunts) (moans) How was work? Miraculous.
Mm? Mothers are so awesome.
Oh.
These are great seats.
You can hear the players swear from up here.
PLAYER: I'll kick your ass, Milhouse.
ANNOUNCER: And now, to take your minds off the massive concussion and subdural hematoma you just witnessed, please welcome the Springfield Atomettes.
Now, for this routine, we need the help of a junior Atomette.
They're picking me, Dad.
Don't call me "Dad.
" If people think peanut vendors have families, it's too sad.
ANNOUNCER: Looks like we've got a volunteer right there.
(gasps) Look, while I'd like to help, I'm kind of pessimistic about the team's chances.
They're gonna get creamed.
Go, go, go! Mm? (crowd cheering) Uh (crowd cheering, whooping) I'm dating a cheerleader.
LISA (in the distance): No, you're not.
PLAYER: Burned again, Milhouse.
(crowd chatter) Wow, that was great.
Can I have my regular clothes back, please? No problem.
Great job, ladies.
Now here's your which should just about cover your parking.
I can't believe he pays you so little.
The crowd was crazy about you.
I know, but what are we gonna do about it? If we pipe up they'll put us in the mascot costume.
WOMEN: Ew.
After you wear that, you need to be hosed down for bedbugs.
Good game, everyone.
I never dreamed a night where you discovered I was cheating and beat the crap out of me could end on such an up note.
See you next week.
WOMAN: Homer.
Hmm? Hey, Gretchen.
I had your jacket cleaned.
Good as new.
And thanks for loaning me your sweater for the ride home.
It may be a little stretched out.
Geez, that was a pregnancy sweater.
So, you want to hold little Homer? Wow, so nw there's two things named after me-- a baby, and a law banning air horns after 3:00 a.
m.
(nasally): Aw that's sweet.
(tires screech) MOE: Read 'em and weep.
The novels of Charlotte Bronte.
CARL: Um, I thought we were playing cards.
Uh, hey.
I was just driving by with some baby stuff we didn't need and, uh, well, here's some diapers Maggie's too big for, and an incredible educational toy I forgot to give Bart.
Thanks.
Hey, could you babysit for an hour? I've been alone with the baby for days.
Wow, I'd love to help, but I did kind of have plans for tonight.
MOE: No, you can't leave.
I'm dealin' you in.
(grunts) (screams) Full house? You win again? I think I'll be good tonight and stay in with you.
Baby, baby, please let me hold him Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju? (screams) Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju?! (sobbing) We want to make him stay up all night Yeah, we do.
(song ends) Itchy and Scratchy show.
A child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch And bills to pay He learned to walk while I was away And he was talking 'fore I knew it And as he grew, he'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad" "You know I'm gonna be like you" And the cat's in the cradle (explosion, music stops) Kids blow up so fast.
(Homer humming) Oh! Homie? Aw, you're shopping ahead for Maggie.
Oh, no, I'm shopping for Homer Jr.
, a baby I delivered in an elevator the night I pretended to go to work but was really playing poker.
What?! (grunting) This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.
Oh, yes, I'm shopping for Maggie, our baby together, so this looks perfectly innocent.
Why are you saying that? Oh, you know how the first few weeks are: sleep deprived, walking around in a fog.
First few weeks of what? Um, November.
(groans) (grunting, low chatter) Hey, Atomette.
I want to say Caitlin? Lisa.
Guys, do you realize you're being exploited by this team? ALL: Wha? They sell your posters, workout DVDs, and all of your practices are broadcast on a webcam.
And some of the angles are low.
But don't worry, collective bargaining will enable us to secure concessions.
Uh, we're gonna push 'em back, push 'em back, push 'em way, way back.
All the way to a new contract.
'Cause union power is a fact.
And we're Okay, okay, we get it.
Well, look who's here.
You been hit by the cheerleading bug, little lady? Actually, I've been hit by the unfair labor practices bug.
What? Why, that's Samuel Gompers talk.
Now, little missy, the only thing you should be organizin' is your dollies.
How? By size, brand, value? And don't even suggest race, 'cause I don't see that.
I just see little people I own.
What do you say, ladies? (indistinct whispering) Not right, not fair.
Let's say it with our hair.
Okay, fine.
I'm gonna give it some thought, then say no in the nicest way possible.
No.
Oh, good.
Nice.
"Beat Dallas.
" Can never argue with that.
Hey, ladies.
My vest isn't the only thing that's ripped.
I am in the market for a backup mistress.
Possibly two.
Have you kids seen your father? Surprised he's not here ogling these girls.
He said he was going to work.
On a Friday afternoon? (gasps) I bet he's playing poker again.
Coming through.
Wife on a mission.
Go, fight, win.
Marge.
Wow, I've never burst through a banner before, but it really does the trick.
(pounding on door) Homer, I know you're here.
Your car's outside.
Where is he? I honestly don't know.
I'm just teaching myself massage here with online videos and a store mannequin.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
So, do you have any injuries I should know about? Oh! Hmm, if he's not in there, where is he? HOMER: Oh, baby.
Oh, baby, shake it.
Homer like.
(gasps) Oh.
Shake it.
Now, roll over on your tummy, just like I taught you.
Tell me what a cow says.
(toy moos) Aah! My other baby mama.
So this is where you've been going.
Another woman's apartment.
Marge, it's not what you think.
Quiet.
You're upsetting Homer Jr.
(quietly): You have a baby together? Oh, it's cool.
We did it in an elevator.
(gasps) I'm a Schwarzenegger wife.
But you're also the housekeeper, so it's all good.
It's not good.
None of it's good.
I haven't had a drink for a week.
That is pretty good.
So then you delivered her baby right there in the elevator.
It's true.
Even the other guy in the elevator-- he's right here.
And the really funny thing is I'm a doctor.
Well, I'm glad you did a good deed, but you shouldn't come here again.
I thought that was strange poop on your collar.
(moans sadly) Good-bye, Homer Jr.
I guess you're the man of the house now.
And never forget, even though the mortgage is due on the first, you can usually wait till the 17th.
(sobbing) You know what? I think it's fine if Homer spends a few hours now and then with Homer Jr.
Exactly.
You always said charity begins at home.
But not which home.
It's true, I never specified the home.
There's a great and a bloody fight 'Round this whole world tonight And the battle, the bombs and shrapnel reign Hitler told the world around He would tear our union down But our union's gonna break them slavery chains Our union's gonna break them slavery chains (tires screeching) I walked up on a mountain in the middle of the sky Could see every farm and every town I could see all the people in this whole wide world That's the union that'll tear the fascists down, down, down.
Now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me.
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.
(snoring softly) Oh, man, I really overdid it tonight.
Late night at Moe's, eh? No, I'm exhausted from Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
It's the toes that get you, Marge.
It's the toes.
What about your own children? Way ahead of you, Marge, I'm taking all four of my kids to the zoo tomorrow.
Three.
Yes, we'll be back by 3:00.
Homer has a very tight nap schedule.
Quit talking about that baby.
I was talking about myself in the third person.
Oh.
We can't take much more of this, Lisa.
The girls are getting so antsy they'll cheer anything.
You're the greatest generation, worthy of our veneration.
Go Grampa! If this is heaven, why don't my shoes match? (doorbell rings) (deep sigh) Okay, I give up.
I'm gonna do what we secretly did at the Alamo-- surrender.
(cheering) While you're at it, how about a little boost for peanut vendors? What do you think I'm taking their raise out of? (jabbering happily) I wanted you all to be happy together, so I brought you to the zoo where all the animals live in harmony.
(growls) (triumphant wail) Okay, guys, I got your ice creams.
Hey, ah, ah, ah.
Now, Maggie, we don't hurt each other in this family.
Are you nuts? You can't even kiss me good night without slicing me with your stubble.
Why you little I'll give you a good-night kiss you'll never forget.
Come here, you.
(grunting) Aah, ooh, ah! Ah! Ow! Yeah! Dad, we're missing the giant capybaras of Uruguay.
Okay, I know what'll cheer you kids up.
Seeing me out-monkey the monkeys.
(hooting like a monkey) (angry hooting, screeching) I have a soul and you guys don't.
(hooting) Aah! Monkeys! (grunts) (angry grunt) Dad, Maggie's rolling away.
(gasps) She's heading for Prairie Dog Village.
If they get her in their warrens, we'll never see her again.
(chittering) Look, shiny keys.
Jingle jangle.
(grunts, laughs) Stupid monkeys.
That's it, Maggie, use the Dino-Wand.
This is the last time you'll see that elevator baby.
I'm sorry, Homer Jr.
You'll occupy an idealized place in my heart that no one can ever quite fill.
(Homer sobbing) Therapy, please.
Me, too.
Okay, I've got to impart all my fatherly advice in this one walk.
The sky is blue, but nobody really knows why.
Don't believe what they tell you.
Girls are great and terrible at the same time.
Get used to it.
And, most importantly Oops, we're here.
You'll have to figure it out on your own.
Sorry, little fella.
One day I'll be that guy who comes to your wedding, makes you feel a little weird, and then runs away.
Homer, great news.
Chase came back.
(whoops) Who's Chase? Homer Jr.
's father.
Oh, my God, is that my son? You didn't tell me he was a soldier.
You didn't tell me you were pregnant.
I didn't want you to marry me because I was pregnant.
I wanted you to marry me because I was nagging you.
(fusses) Um, he likes it if you tickle his toes.
Dude, he's my kid.
He likes what I like.
But n-n-n-nurture.
Gretch, I think he's got my calves.
He does, baby, he does.
Can I just say good-bye to him quick? Sure.
I guess this is it, little guy.
Da-da.
(gasps) The most beautiful words a father can hear.
Da-da.
Da-da.
Oh.
Hey, one day you'll have kids of your own.
I do.
Really? Then this is much creepier than I thought.
Much.
Shouldn't have bet his door if he didn't want to lose it.
(sighs) Hi, Maggie.
If you could talk, I know you'd have a few choice words for me.
You want me to take care of your dolly? That's the sweetest thing any baby has ever done for me.
Honey, you know where the bottle opener is? I think it's in the drawer.
Whoa, little dude.
Where did you learn that? This is what we're fighting for, babe.
(marching band playing theme song ) HOMER: Hey, what's this marching band have to do with Homer Jr.
? What?! There were cheerleaders in our house and nobody told me? (Homer moans) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  The Kid Is All Right
The Simpsons s25e06 Episode Script
The Kid Is All Right
(metronome ticking) (classical music playing) (jazz music playing) (classical music playing) (jazz music playing) (low note blaring) (classical music playing) (chugging) (dramatic classical music playing) (bluesy sax riff plays) (all playing blues) (orchestra playing bluesy song) (whistle blows) (tromping footsteps) (playing rock version of The Simpsons theme song) (jazz music playing) (all playing The Simpsons theme song) (playing jazz version of The Simpsons theme song) (bell ringing, kids cheering) One is the loneliest number That you'll ever do Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one No is the saddest experience you'll ever know Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know (grunts) 'Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do One is the loneliest number, worse than two And one You know, I really think I've made my point.
(thunder crashes) Oh, the rain has washed away the playground shed! I'm being chased by sports! It's called "precipitation," 'cause it never fails to precipitate unruly behavior.
(thunder crashes) And saddest of all, those who do not have a friend to play with in the rain, doomed to get only single pneumonia.
A spit wad? Well, at least I'm getting some attention.
And the best part is I'm bombarding her with her own homework.
(laughs) (sighs) (screams) Begone! (hisses) (chuckles) Well, you're never alone surrounded by The Autobiography of Charles Manson? (screams) Hmm.
Huh? Hi.
New kid, second grade.
Don't you love the rain? (gasps) New kid? Uh, have you made any friends? Just Charlotte, Emily and Anne.
(gasps) That's a reference to the Bronte sisters! (gasps) You got my reference to the Bronte sisters?! Nice to meet you, Lisa Simpson.
How do you know my name? I deciphered the anagrams on your notebook.
Oh.
Be Lisa? (gasps) Isabel! (both giggle) HOMER: Ooh, spaghetti.
(phone ringing) Y'ello! Lisa, you got a call from someone named Isabel.
(gasps) May I ask what this is regarding? Ooh! A budding new friendship? Oh! Boy, how come you can't get a new friend? What's wrong with the one I got? I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear.
I remembered correctly; it was a green one! Don't eat it.
It's been in his ear.
Don't eat it.
It's been in his ear.
Don't eat it.
It's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth.
Don't eat it.
Oh, for God's sake! And don't you hate being the middle child? Yeah.
In the car, I always have to sit on the hump.
It makes reading impossible.
MARGE: Lisa, your food's getting cold! It's raw veggies.
They're supposed to be cold! Well, someone who loves you put melted butter on them! Thank you, Mr.
Bergstrom.
I'll tell Lisa you dropped by.
I better go.
Okay, but one more thing: I noticed we're both doing presentations on Franklin Roosevelt at school.
Why don't we do them together? (quietly): Oh, my God.
Someone wants to be my partner.
Can't screw this up.
Downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading (computer chimes, electronic fanfare plays) Whoo-hoo! (clears throat) Franklin Roosevelt bravely instituted a series of reforms called the New Deal.
Which ran totally counter to America's tradition of limited government.
P.
S.
It was also unconstitutional.
Oh? Um, FDR's steadfast leadership also helped America win World War Two.
Until the weak-kneed Democrats sold us out at Yalta.
If you haven't guessed, Lisa, I'm a Republican.
A Lincoln Republican? Not really.
A Reagan Republican? Keep going.
First President Bush? Getting there.
Oh, dear God.
(chuckles) I must say, Lisa, it was amusing to see you thoroughly de-high-horsed.
That isn't a word.
Ooh, back on the saddle she climbs.
I just can't believe someone like you would be a Republican.
I mean, isn't your last name GutiÃ©rrez? Just what exactly are you saying? I'm just saying that people of your heritage-- which could be any one of many heritages, I'm not pigeonholing Is it a Catholic thing? I'm a non-observant Jew from Argentina.
Ay, caramba! Do you even know what that means? Uh, there-there's a caramba in my eye? It's the Spanish version of "hot damn.
" Ay, caramba! Hmm? Lisa, is everything okay? Yes.
Why? Because you're doing your homework and you don't look happy.
(groans) My new best friend isn't what I thought.
She's a Republican! (laughs) What is so funny? They're destroying the world! They are, huh? I thought I'd show you this when you were older, but (gasps) You voted for Reagan?! MARGE: It was a crazy time, the '80s.
You don't hear me listening to the Thompson Twins anymore.
Although (tape warbles) Hold me now (humming along) So, you were going through a phase? Mm-hmm.
All right, '80s party! Where's the beef? Tear down that wall! Because I think the beef is behind that wall! Hmm.
Hmm.
You say I'm a dreamer Now get up here, boy! We're gonna do "The Super Bowl Shuffle.
" No! You never let me be Mike Singletary! Fine.
You're Mike Singletary.
Enjoy your mediocre coaching career.
My name is Homer, I'm a real fullback Gonna run that ball, don't want no flack If you try to run, you'll get a heart attack Why you little! Hey, big man, don't want no trouble I'm just here to do "The Super Bowl Shuffle" Excuse me.
(grunting) People's views change.
Bobby Kennedy worked for Joe McCarthy.
Larry David was on Fridays.
What are you trying to say? Isabel's only eight.
As she grows up, surprising things will happen to her body of beliefs.
But she could always use a friend like you.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Isabel? Lisa? Listen, I'm really sorry about No, it's okay.
My mom says you're just going through a liberal phase.
What?! My mom says you're going through a conservative phase.
There's no such thing.
Conservatives only get more conservative.
Because every year, they get a little further through Atlas Shrugged.
Listen, we're both eight years old.
Can't we just play Monopoly or something? My father owns a monopoly! (whirring) That young filly is exactly the kind of candidate we need to start recruiting! She's a young, dynamic Latina.
Yee-haw! I said that just right! Without the Hispanic vote, even Texas is poised to turn blue.
Blue! Yeah, we must reach her and groom her before she fattens up like Chris Christie.
He thinks GOP stands for "Gravy on Pancakes.
" (laughter) But despite my mirthful remarks, obesity is no laughing matter.
(chuckles) Just can't resist those words, "sign-up sheet.
" Oh, looks like I'll be running against Isabel.
And Ralph? Just call me Ralph Nader.
I don't know why.
Isabel! I want this campaign to be about the issues: same-sex field trip buddies, providing class pets with a path to citizenship And no digging up past relationships.
Sure, Lisa and I dated.
Sure, she broke my heart.
I'm sure your researchers know all about it.
This is the first I've heard of it.
Really? But I got this! Ew.
How long has it been since you washed your stomach? You can't ask that anymore! (chuckles nervously) Quit shoving! I'd like a word with you, young lady.
How did you get in there? Slid in through the grates.
Here's the scoop.
You're our future, so we can't afford to have you lose.
And I love the Spanish-- from the Inquisition to the delightful Franco years.
What are you talking about? Move over! I know how to talk to kids.
We want to give you a little present.
A tainted victory that will haunt you forever.
I'd rather do this myself.
But who'd own you then? You couldn't buy me with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream.
Whoa, nicely done.
You've charmed another one right into the arms of the Libertarian Party.
Maybe we can help her without her knowing we're helping her.
No one says I can't buy a second grade election.
Why, I had enough money to fix People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.
Most of the money went to convincing them that I was alive.
Who ordered the Yumboni? Right here! Now, Smithers, I want you to eat this for me.
Describe every taste.
And don't forget the brain freeze.
Sir, I am lactose-intolerant.
And I'm back-talk-allergic! So start eating! (groans) Have a great day, kids.
And, Bart, I'll pick you up after school to take you to karate lessons.
Mom, after six weeks, I figured out that Sensei Weinstein is really my psychiatrist.
Either way, for 45 minutes, you're not my problem, sweetie.
(horn honking) (gasps) Don't worry, Lisa, despite the paid ad, I am strictly middle of the road.
Idiot! (horns honking) Pick a lane! (tires screech) Wha?! What are you doing?! I'm as bewildered as you are.
I don't know why, but the Springfield Republican Party is grooming me.
Grooming? Yuck! Unfortunately, I can't stop it.
The Supreme Court says spending money is free speech.
Well, then you could use your free speech to denounce this intrusion of big money into our election.
Mm, I'll think about it while I'm on my listening tour of the cafeteria.
(slurring): Pour me another.
What are you doing? It's imaginary.
Fine.
I got to go.
I'll see you later.
(humming a tune) (grunting) Ay, caramba! Bart, I need you to help me win the election.
I can help, but it's gonna get rough.
I'm fine with rough.
You don't know what rough is.
That ain't rough.
More like a gentle breeze.
Maggie hits harder.
Did the good night pixie just kiss my cheek? Ow! Okay, you got my attention.
You want to win this election? Then from now on, you do exactly what I say.
You got it.
First, go make me five pans of brownies.
You're just taking advantage of the situation.
Hmm, maybe Isabel likes baking.
Cakey or gooey? I'll make both.
First, we reel them in.
Then, we scare the hell out of them.
By discussing the school's budget crisis? No, with balls to the head.
(blows whistle) Bombardment! I associate Isabel with a pain in my tummy.
Bombardment? (groans) Miss Simpson, your platform calls for the creation of a student-run garden.
Organic gardening is an essential part of 21st century education, teaching both hands-on And what programs would you cut to pay for this precious garden of yours? The new Wiffle bats? Pizza Friday? (gasps) Not Pizza Friday! Sorry, Lisa, you lose again.
(air horn blares) You got to get on your game, sister.
You think I'm tough? Wait till GutiÃ©rrez sinks her teeth into you.
Remember, you got an ace in the hole: chocolate milk in the water fountains.
That's impossible.
We've already had the best plumbers in the city look into it.
Hey, we'll worry about that after you're elected.
(groaning) (whistling) What are you so happy about? It's in the bag, Lis.
Once everybody sees this.
Training wheels.
She still uses training wheels.
(snickers) And watch this.
(crying) Excellent.
What am I doing? Untent! Untent! Oh, Bart, I want to win, but not like this.
I'm sorry, you're fired.
Leave the bottle.
I bet by the end of the night, you're gonna look pretty good.
Welcome to our first in a series of 37 debates-- good Lord-- before the elementary school elections.
You're a booger head! And I say we move beyond name-calling to solve our real problems.
(all booing) Booger head! Vote for whoever you want to.
To me, these are both losers.
Now, the second grade debate between Isabel GutiÃ©rrez and Lisa Simp-a-son.
Sounds weird.
Mm.
ISABEL: Ivy Agee, Frank Marino, Glen Gloyd.
These are men who fought at Omaha Beach.
And they are the reason I'm running for second grade rep.
Dios los bendiga a todos.
(students cheering) I'll bet my bologna sandwich that girl's gonna win.
Oh, a little rich for my blood, sir.
Yes, you can fog a mirror, Seymour, but I wouldn't call you alive.
Now, the other candidate, Lisa Simpson.
Okay, I'm a liberal.
And sometimes that's a dirty word.
(laughter) Liberal.
But what liberal really means is someone who believes that those who have more than enough should share a little with those who don't.
And those principles have consistently been in place during this country's most prosperous times.
So if that's a liberal, then I am a liberal.
And hang me.
(screams) Sorry, we're just setting up for An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.
(groaning) Ooh.
The Democratic Party pantheon.
Such lofty ideals.
(gasps) And here come the spirits.
Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale, John Kerry? These are all losers! I'm afraid you're heading for a loss, Lisa.
And when we lose, we lose big.
What about Obama? Harry Truman? Bill Clinton? Lisa, you're a lot like me.
Play the saxophone, come from a small town, raised by a mother with no help.
So, do you know how I can win? I don't even know why I'm a ghost.
All these guys are alive.
John Kerry here is Secretary of State.
Doing a bang-up job.
Well, we still have a long way to go on Asian currency issues.
Absolutely.
And, Lisa, I'm only appearing in this dream so I can visit with you about the Clinton Global Initiative.
See, our mission is to turn ideas into action.
And to find innovative solutions that will hel (snoring) Hey, hey, hey! You can't fall asleep in a dream! (snoring) (groans) I know what I've got to do.
Hello, Isabel? Listen (snores) (groaning) CGI also convenes CGI America, a meeting devoted to economic recovery and job creation.
You used to be fun! Kevin Costner used to be a movie star.
Get over it.
And now for their final debate, please welcome, uh, Li um Li-sa? Li-sa, uh, Simpsone.
Yes.
And, uh, Isabel Adolpho-Guzman-Lopez GutiÃ©rrez.
Uh, ladies.
(grunts) I just want to say, I don't care about politics, electioneering or negative campaigning.
If my friend Lisa wins, so be it.
(speaks Spanish) (cheering) And I also want to say that if Time's up.
But I Stop showboating.
(grunts) Back in the banner shed you go.
SKINNER: Good morning.
We have completed the tally of the votes for class representative.
One brief announcement: the tainted Greek salad has given several students nightmares involving Michael Dukakis.
It may recur tonight, so if possible, have your parents strap you to the bed.
And now the results.
First grade rep-- results delayed indefinitely due to jelly on the ballots.
Second grade rep-- Isabel GutiÃ©rrez.
(grunts) Third grade rep, no votes cast.
Congratulations, Isabel.
Fourth grade rep-- last name Weiner, first name Ima I truly hope you enjoy the Friday morning council meetings.
Simpson! (crying): And the-the free snicker doodle cookies.
Smithers, we won! Drop the balloons! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Can I at least remove the balloons? Do it and you'll kill him.
(groans) Hey, Lis.
Hey.
I'm sorry I fired you.
Eh, no hard feelings.
A lot of good things have been happening to me.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Bart.
I think you might feel better if you looked at these exit polls.
They find me a pointy-haired know-it-all.
Yes, but they agreed with everything you said.
What are you getting at? for a liberal.
Just not you.
Huh.
You hear that, world? They love my ideas, just not me! And that is half the battle! Ha! Hello, I'm elder Anderson Cooper.
Welcome to our first debate between Republican Isabel GutiÃ©rrez and Lisa Simpson, representing the Democratic Robot Zombie Coalition.
First question: Ms.
Simpson, what would you do to get America out of Afghanistan? I'd just throw in the towel and make it a state.
That's our girl.
(toots twice) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Yellow Subterfuge
The Simpsons s25e07 Episode Script
Yellow Subterfuge
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (groaning) (laughs) Skinner! Skinner He patrols the school halls Skinner! When you spit, he's got the balls As you mosey through the school All the kids say you're so cool And you even made Bart Simpson spill his milk Skinner! Skinner You're the master Of your fate! Skinner! Skinner You sure look good in chaps Skinner Wake up.
You're on! (grunts) Children, I have some exciting news.
(kids murmuring) I'm here to tell you about a field trip so amazing, we've put "sign here" stickers on the permission slips.
As you recall, these stickers came from last year's field trip to the "sign here" sticker factory.
But thanks to my old navy buddy-- we both love to shop at Old Navy-- the students of this school will be taking a ride on a nuclear-powered, attack-class submarine, the USS Tom Clancy! (all gasp) (chuckles) So you're all excited, eh? ALL: Yay! Well, that's too bad, because many of you will not be going.
ALL: Huh?! There's limited room on the submarine, so only the best-behaved students-- as determined by me-- will go on the trip.
Whoo-hoo! Well, I get to go! To increase the tension, everyone starts with a clean slate.
But from this moment on I am the law.
I hold the red pen.
Skinner! Pranks, inside use of outside voice, off-color whistling, and you're stricken from the list.
And once crossed off, you stay crossed off.
That's what pens do.
(gulps) (bees buzzing) Help! I'm trapped in space with a man I don't like! BART: Aooga! Submerge! Periscope! Aooga! Aooga! Die, Nazi octopus, die! (makes explosion sound) Sweetie, about the submarine what's your favorite food to eat when you're disappointed? I'm going shopping tomorrow.
Ice cream sandwiches.
Why? What your mother is trying to say is we don't think you can be good that long.
Mom, is that true? Well, that's sort of what I was trying to say, but What your mother is trying to say is No, you're wrong! You're all wrong! I didn't say anything.
Were you thinking it? Yes.
Get real, ding-dong! You've already done so much bad stuff, Skinner's never gonna let you on that boat.
No, Skinner said I had a clean slate, so right now, I'm as good as any other kid.
(Homer and Lisa laughing) Good one, ding-dong.
Mom! Don't listen to them.
They're the ding-dongs.
Wha?! Bart, sweetie, this is an opportunity for you to turn things around yet again.
And I believe in you.
Yet again.
Thanks, Mom.
I'll start by taking my plate to the dishwasher.
Wherever that is.
(cupboards open, shut, dish breaks) Pfft.
Marge, I love Bart as much as you do, but actually not.
And that kid cannot go one week without getting in trouble.
Now, if you'd be so kind as to start my car for me, I'm going to Moe's.
(blowing air) Ooh.
(engine starts) Thank you.
(tires squeal) Whoo-hoo! Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm! What are you doing? To avoid temptation, I'm getting rid of all the things that could get me in trouble at school.
I buried all my whoopee cushions in the backyard.
(flatulence sounds) Hmm? (groans) What the? That's not where I buried them.
Come on! Don't take my custom limo! At least let me sniff my coke out of the floor mats! (grunts) (sniffing) (bicycle bell dings) Oh, hi, little girl.
What brings you to see Uncle Krusty? (chuckles) Krusty, are you broke? Yeah.
All it takes is some bad luck at the ponies, worse luck in the Bitcoin market, heavy investment in a high-end bookmark company.
You could do what Everybody Loves Raymond did.
Go off the air while I'm still good? That horse has left the stable, gone to the glue factory and has been used to make art projects.
I mean, you could sell foreign rights to your show.
Even SpongeBob did it.
Buon compleanno, Squiduardo! No, no, no, Roberto! E 'una mina della seconda guerra mondiale, che farÃ  saltare in aria e Ah! Calamari?! No! (sobbing) No! Uh it's cute stuff, but I'm still broke, girlie.
Not my Monet! I only looked at it once! What I'm saying is, you could produce foreign versions of your TV show with actors from other countries.
Okay, I'll do it! Not my Shetland dolphin! Although I won't miss the constant yapping.
Papa! Not anymore, he ain't.
(booming thud) Gum on the floor.
Off the list.
Unauthorized meat-a-pult.
Off the list! Lips touching the fountain.
Off the list.
It's not my fault there's no water pressure.
Excuses are like handkerchiefs; everybody's got one.
I don't have a handkerchief.
Off the list! Firm but fair, sir.
Don't want any troublemakers on our submarine.
Not bad, Simpson.
Did you wash your knees? Front and back, sir.
You're like egg salad at a picnic, Simpson.
Even when you look good, we know you're going bad.
Principal Skinner? I object to this arbitrary use of power and request I be taken off the list.
Off the list! Thank you.
Oh, man! Five days without pranking? I'm getting strange red marks.
But I'm gonna make it! (engine backfiring) Uh-oh.
(alarms buzzing) Something's wrong with my long yellow car.
(starter chugs) Any of you kids got a Triple A card? What? No.
I'll be late.
Skinner will cross my name off the list.
(grunts) All fixed up! (horn honks) (tires screech, horn drones) (school bell rings) (laughs, hums triumphantly) Off the list.
For what? Muddy footprints on the school floor.
(gasps) I've broken a ten-year-old's spirit.
Time to celebrate with a fruit- on-the-bottom yogurt.
Plain, plain, plain, plain Mmm! Fruit! No, Mother, I did not use any of your talc.
I don't know why the bottle feels lighter.
Maybe you're just getting stronger! Some days I could just kill you.
(phone rings) She heard me.
Hello? BART (nasally voice): Hold for the president.
OBAMA (on spliced recording): This is Barack Obama! Is this a prank? OBAMA: No.
(gasps) That's offensive.
(gasps) I want to talk about submarines and trips.
Simpson has to go.
Simpson has to go on the submarine.
On the submarine.
Of course.
(tweeting) This is Barack Obama! So in love with you I like Ohio State You can put lipstick on a pig So in love with you Welcome.
Welcome, foreign-market Krustys.
If you examine your "Krusty Kit," you're gonna find unremovable green hair dye, a used red nose and a guidebook on how to capture a monkey.
But now, the man they call Mr.
Monday Afternoon Krusty! Hey-hey! Hai-hai! Hu-hu! Heil-heil! Rodgrod med Flode! Now, there are many words for what I'm looking for-- rubles, renminbi, baht-- but they all mean money, which rhymes with funny, which you can be if you want.
I don't care.
Just do the Krusty show in your country and send me ten percent.
Then send me another 60%.
Then five percent more, and you're good.
Nice job, Simpson.
You even got my Suze Orman tape unstuck from the cassette player.
She's the reason I was able to purchase a new watch band.
Always bragging about his watch band.
If only I could tell time.
Okay, I washed your car like you asked, I did your paper route, and I'm sorry.
I really am.
This could be the turning point of my life.
Where you, as a school guy, made a difference.
What do you think? Can I go on that sub? Sorry, Simpson.
Take her down.
KIDS: Yay! RALPH: Yay! NELSON: Yippee! MILHOUSE: Poor Bart.
Rasta hey-hey, on the left-hand side.
(laughs) As my mother used to say, "Wanti wanti can't get it, getti getti no want it.
" Now here's Itchem and Scratchem, mon.
(laughs) (cheering) They smoke They toke They smoke and toke and smoke Ha! Smoke, smoke, smoke Toke, toke, toke The Itchem and Scratchem Blow.
Eye and eye say good-bye.
The blessings of Jah upon you all.
Nice.
You're a hit all over the world.
There's Chinese Krusty with Sideshow Mao.
Even Irish Krusty.
Me ma, she had 12 children, but only three lived.
Then they closed the mill.
(chuckles sadly) Hey-hey.
(Irish flute plays melancholy tune) And it's all thanks to you, kid.
To show my appreciation, I'm gonna bring you with me next time I entertain the troops.
Warning: they're not American troops.
(slurps) Hello, boy.
At times like this, there's not much you can say, especially if you don't know what happened.
(sobs) Skinner didn't let me go.
Really? Hey, I bet that submarine isn't so fun anyway.
(sniffs) You think so? Fire that torpedo, Milhouse.
Aye, aye.
Where'd it go? It was just imaginary.
I know a kid should never turn to his father for help, but I got screwed.
Is there anything you can do? As I always say, don't get mad; get dinner.
Then get even.
With Skinner.
You'll really help me get revenge? Yes.
What's Skinner's weakness? Everything.
Good.
We can use that.
Skinner! Skinner You are feeling pretty smug Skinner! Sipping cocoa from a mug When you've reached the mountaintop Your next step is a drop.
No, no, no, no, no! Skinner! (knocking) I'll be right there.
Just saying good-bye to Mother.
(imitates Mother): Seymour, I'm going out for a walk.
Uh-huh, see you in several months at the soonest.
(knocking continues) We have a problem, Seymour.
I did everything for you and you stabbed me in the back.
Wait a minute, I knew you were a neat freak, Skinner, but you beat your rug till it bleeds? (gasps) All right, I'll come clean.
I woke up and, surprisingly, Mother wasn't there beside me.
She was dead.
Still, I can't be sure I killed her.
Well, I'm sure our town's police force will handle this competently.
Now, I could investigate further, but you don't want to sit in a jail all weekend.
Chief, that was awfully arbitrary.
Not compared to this.
(groans) Let me handle this.
Just go upstairs and shut the door.
There are some things only a boy should see.
(door closes) (both laugh) (cackles) Now do you want to dispose of this jelly-soaked pillow? Just call me The Cleaner.
(slurps) Um, where's the body? She's in a better place.
(chain saw rumbling) The deed is done.
Oh, I wish you'd asked me before you Look, you kill them, I get rid of them.
That's always been our deal.
But I do have one question: Do you want the head? No, no, God, no.
Well, if you change your mind, it'll be in my freezer.
But only for a week.
Got a lot of ice cream coming in.
Ugh, if this were a movie, Mother wouldn't let me watch it.
Now, I'm afraid it's time to start your new life.
You'll be hunted, on the run, searching for the man who killed your mother, which is you.
So avoid mirrors.
(Krusty humming) Krusty, I have some very bad news.
The foreign Krustys are all hotter than you.
Irish Krusty's got a show on Broadway.
Oi, where's your monkey? There never was a monkey.
I was just tellin' stories to forget me consumption.
(coughs) (applause) Well, you see there, they need to hit the word "monkey" harder if they want to get a laugh.
Don't you get what I'm trying to tell you? You are now the least popular Krusty in the world.
What about Romanian Krusty? What, you mean President-for-Life Krusty? (low groan) I still get a piece, right? Putz.
You're the least successful version of you there is.
A piece.
Now, let's see where this goes.
Irish Krusty, this is your baby.
The only thing working round here is your libido.
Now I know why Ma walked into the sea with her pockets full of rocks, on Christmas.
Why doesn't this material work for me? Seymour, the cops are on their way.
(siren wails) Here's a bus ticket to Juarez and your fake I.
D.
SKINNER: Oh, come on, I don't look anything like this "Dick Fiddler.
" No, you don't yet.
I don't want to sound ungrateful, but could I eat one of the potatoes? Sorry, but Dick Fiddler is allergic to potatoes.
I understand.
(both giggling) Dad? Thanks for sticking up for me.
(laughs) Someday I may have to fake my own death.
And maybe you can help me with that.
Sure, Dad.
Someday soon.
As in, what are you doing this Friday? Aah! Dick Fiddler! Gentlemen, I can't run away from what I've done.
I accept that I killed my mother.
My whole life, she's belittled me.
Maybe deep down, I'm glad.
This has gone far enough.
I'm starting to think this "school project" is more than meets the eye.
Mother? You're alive? Seymour, when this fat guy and his kid asked me to fake my death to punish you, I said, "Sure, that's something to do.
" You know, when you glare like that, you look really beautiful.
(grumbles): Mm-hmm.
But when I just heard you say you were glad to see me dead I thought, "Now I'm gonna be meaner to you than ever.
" How is that possible? I've stopped taking those pills that keep me nice.
(gasps) Fiddler! Fiddler, you look stupid In that beard Fiddler! This dream is getting weird.
KRUSTY: So I heard many of you are dissatisfied with my 75% cut of your take.
Well, we did consider letting you keep more.
(cheering) But instead, we're giving you something even better.
I will do a guest shot on each of your shows.
Huh? Eh? (jeering, shouting) Twist him like a balloon.
Cut off his hey-heys.
Let's slice him up and cook him in our traditional dishes.
Krusty, can't you think of something? I'm very bad in a crisis.
I also can't ad-lib, memorize anything, improv or tell a joke.
Uh, you know, why did you even become a clown? Well, I was supposed to be one of the sad ones.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY They smoke, they toke They smoke and toke and smoke Ha! Smoke, smoke, smoke Toke, toke, toke The Itchem and Scratchem Blow Ha! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  White Christmas Blues
The Simpsons s25e08 Episode Script
White Christmas Blues
(belches) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (whistle blows) (yells) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (grunts) (whistle blows) (cats yowling) (yelling) (bell dinging) (dogs barking) Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Mr.
Mouse! (screams) (listless): Hey-hey.
Due to modern sensitivity, we've been asked to block any violent images that appear in this children's cartoon.
Oh, my God! I never watched one of these sober! I gotta get this bloodbath off my kids' show! (grunts) KRUSTY: Damn it! Aw, geez, when did everything turn to crap? Bart, don't use language like that.
MARGE: Man, things sure have turned to crap.
(Homer humming) Homer, you have to take the Halloween decorations down before you put the Christmas ones up.
Marge, to that I say, boo, humbug.
(hissing) There's a new Grinch this holiday season, and its name is "global warming.
" Meteorologists warn there'll be no snow this Christmas anywhere in America, not even in Alaska, where the Eskimos now have a hundred words for "nothing.
" Global warming.
Huh.
By pure coincidence, every scientist was right.
But it's not all doom and gloom.
Illegal poachers are having a field day.
80 degrees, water won't freeze God help us, please, no one's on skis Happy, happy, happy, happy hunting (owls hooting) Happy, happy, happy, happy hunting.
(worried moaning) (Marge sighs) Sorry, kids, I guess the hats and mittens will have to wait until next year.
Oh! Oh! (humming) Hmm? Snow? (laughs) Snow! (both gasp) Oh, you know what this means, kids? (both gasp) I don't have to pick up the dog poops! (sobbing) Uh, so you see, the "snow" is a microclimate aberration caused by radioactive steam from the nuclear plant and, of course, tire fire particulate.
So, we're the only place in America with snow, if you can call it that.
I guess you can.
Don't you idiots see what this means?! Idiots? Why do we reelect this guy? 'Cause his opponent has a long Slavic name.
(crowd grumbling) Who want bumper sticker? People, Springfield is now the only town in America that has snow this Christmas.
So tourists are going to want to come here.
Stay in our hotels! Slurp our spaghetti.
Die in our hospitals.
(chuckles) I say we welcome our winter tourists with open arms, then gouge the hell out of 'em! Who? Who will gouge with me? I, too, will gouge! Duff Beer is proud to make a corporate commitment to gouging! (cheering) Here come the tourists.
Man your ATMs.
Yar.
(both chuckle) (belches) Why would a robot need mittens? Why would a little boy need an aspirin? I don't know.
(grunts) The one thing Bongo Comics are good for.
(groans) Are you okay, Chief? (panicky): I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
God, I bent down to pick up a piece of candy and rolled down a hill.
You always think it's the other guy that'll turn into a giant snowball.
Never you.
Have you seen Lou? LOU: There's snow in my lungs! Lot of attitude in that hand, Lou.
Lot of attitude.
(horns honking, Marge groans) Look at all these out-of-state license plates.
"First in Freeways," "The 'Yuh-Huh' State," "Jewel of the Fracking Belt"? "Still a British Colony at Heart," "Land of Many Water Snakes"? (Marge groaning) Valet parking, five dollars.
(tires screeching, horn honks) Oh (gasps) People, I'm completely out of milk! I do have several DVDs of the movie Milk, an inspiring return to form for director Gus Van Sant.
Uh, do you have Life of Pi? No, but I have some home movies of me on a canoe with a big dog.
People who have never seen a movie say it is a good movie.
Mmm? (sighs) We can't afford Christmas.
And when you can't afford Christmas, you've failed as a family.
(voice breaks): That's what all the big stores say.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I'm so sorry to bother you, but my kids are exhausted and the town is sold out.
Is there any chance you'd have a spare room for us? Well, there's a rec room off the kitchen, but sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't.
Our house is very odd that way.
Please? Please, ma'am? We'd pay you $300 a night.
Well, you seem like a nice, pushy stranger.
Ma'am, because we talk this way, people always think that we're, um Uh, what is that word, honey? Passive-aggressive.
Right, right, but we're not.
Please, please take our money and everybody wins.
(Homer humming) Hmm? Oh, good.
Marge remarried after I died.
Wait a minute.
I'm not dead.
What's going on?! These are our new boarders.
Uh-uh.
No way.
I'm not sharing my bed with anybody except you.
And maybe that guy.
Lincoln-style.
But that's it.
This is a great thing.
We're helping people celebrate Christmas, and we'll be able to afford Christmas.
Oh, I don't know.
It won't seem like Christmas without opening up a giant credit card bill in January.
Take a look at this.
HOMER: What the? "The Simpson Bed and Breakfast"? (chuckles) I always wanted to stay in a place like this.
But Christmas is a special time.
And I like to spend it in the warm embrace of watching football.
Homer Simpson, ask yourself, W.
W.
B.
J.
D.
? Huh? What would Baby Jesus do? (The Beach Boys' "Merry Christmas, Baby" begins) My baby she told me she don't want to hold me And kiss my lips anymore She's gonna leave me And she don't believe me That I'll be true now Well, maybe she don't love me And is not thinkin' of me But why'd she do it this time of year? Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo She knows that I'll miss her and I'll want to kiss her If just for Christmas Merry Christmas Well, this crazy scheme is the kind of impulsive behavior I want to encourage in you.
Mmm I'm in! 100%! Oh, thank you.
Now, Homie, table three needs more bread.
I'm on a break.
(groans) (groaning) (groans) Welcome to our day care center.
All girls, please move to cootie quarantine.
We've got a two-month-old.
Are you sure you can handle her? Just don't lose this claim ticket.
That church doesn't look very inspiring.
What a bland marquee.
It doesn't look very inviting.
(indistinct chatter) This whole crowd's gonna be at my sermon today.
Darling, did St.
Paul worry about the crowds? Oh, he wrote letters.
Any fool can write letters.
(sighs) Lord, I'm just a small-town minister.
We don't have Mormon money.
But if you could see your way to guiding my fingers as I type this sermon Oh, yeah.
Oh, this is black-church good.
My friends (feedback drones, congregation groaning) When he starts with "my friends," it's always bad.
(sighs) Friends, every year, I tell you this holiday is about the birth of our Lord, not singing Santas and full stockings.
(all murmuring) You're losing us! Christmas is not about what happened in a manger some 2,000 years ago.
It is about what you do for others now.
Oh! (all murmuring) Get my the church bulletin.
Lovejoy's on fire.
Christmas is the Holy Spirit.
Ooh, I didn't know there were doves in there.
Give with your hearts! Give with your acts! And you will know the true meaning of Christmas.
(congregation gasping) (oohing and aahing) Wow, what a showman.
(cheering, whooping) I haven't felt this inspired since the blueberries at breakfast.
Daddy, permission for a religious fit? A brief one.
(speaking in tongues) I said a fit, not a fervor.
That sermon really inspired me.
This whole Christmas has been about money.
(bell jingling) Oh, are you with the Salvation Army? What makes you think that? (clink) Bless you.
(laughs) But I'm gonna give gifts that aren't expensive and come from the heart.
I don't know.
Christmas didn't get to be the number one holiday by being about love.
Um, when a woman talks, she just wants to be heard.
(groans) MARGE (groans): Where's the end? (gasps, groans) Hey, Marge, we're running out of chestnuts over here.
Well, they don't grow on trees.
Uh, yeah, they do.
Oh.
What about our romantic carriage ride through the snow? Setting it up.
I don't think you're giving them what they were promised, Dad.
The secret is: Don't read the comment cards.
Where do the people sit? I thought they were just gonna watch me.
Excuse me.
This eggnog is terrible.
All eggnog is terrible.
Those stockings are not hung by the chimney with care.
Why did I do this for money? Why did I do this for money? And the Christmas special on your television is one of the worst.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to King Winter Feasts On His Children.
By the time Princess Summer comes to save you, you'll all be blood in my beard.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Your own father's beard.
(King Winter cackling) How long to see Santa? How would I know? I'm an accountant.
I imagine for small business, huh? God, I hate Christmas.
Huh? Mr.
Flanders, where's your store? Well, I'm down to a kiosk, thanks to that place.
Actually, half a kiosk.
Sharing it with Nasreen here.
No cream is finer than mall kiosk cream.
J.
Lo use it.
No, thanks.
It is no wonder you are not married.
Flip me back.
If I have to give presents, I'll give presents with a purpose.
One for Maggie.
Check.
All that's left is Bart.
No.
No.
No.
No, no, no Ah, perfect.
GUESTS: All from Satan's power As we were gone astray Oh, tidings Of comfort and joy In Bethlehem, in Israel this blessed babe was born Enough.
Stop.
Christmas carols only have one verse.
Well, they may have more, but the second verse is where they get all weird and religiousy.
Uh, more wassail, please.
And don't skimp on the aromatic bitters.
For your information, Gloria, my wassail is just Gatorade I put in the microwave.
(both gasp) I drank that under the mistletoe.
It's not mistletoe, just cherries and lettuce.
Oh! I thought when I ate it, it wasn't poisonous.
I've opened up my house to you and all you do is fill this joyous season with petty complaints.
Ho, ho, ho.
Not now.
Take out that pillow and put it in room three.
(sighs) The pillow acted as a girdle.
Any more questions? Uh, yes, will the pudding be figgy? The pudding will be Jell-O.
Quite so.
I'm going to sulk in my room.
The only thing good about this place is the piano player.
(coins rattle) (gasps) An Angelica Button wizard robe.
With wand pocket.
And wand.
(gasps) Professor Digglesby's wand.
Now I have every wizarding stick from the Spells and Potions Department of Wagglepoofs Academy.
Don't make me learn about it.
I know this Christmas has been a little rocky, even for the Simpsons, but I think these gifts born of thought and love will restore the balance of prajna and samsara.
I mean holly and jolly.
Now, Dad, I'd like to give you your present.
You got me weed? Even better.
They're bags of seeds.
So that you can plant a garden and watch it grow.
That's great, sweetie.
After all that time and hard work, I'll have radishes?! It's the most hated part of salad, which is the most hated part of dinner.
Radishes, nothing but radishes.
Dad, stop.
What? I'm saving them from the struggle of life.
Well, at least you're eating vegetables.
Vegetables?! Okay, Bart, open your present.
It's the one I'm most excited about.
Plastic bubbling vomit, plastic bubbling vomit.
What? Lis, you're smart.
Why would you give me a book? 'Cause it's easy to wrap? Nothing is easy to wrap.
I have trouble with scissors.
(sobs) (guests murmuring) Marge, the brochure promised us a happy Christmas.
My uncle died in your bed.
Merry Christmas.
(yawns) What? (gasps) N.
C.
Wyeth.
(huge gasp) These are book illustrations.
Stop it! Stop it! Why in the world would you burn a book? Actually, the idea to do this came from a book.
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury? What? No, I got it from this.
MILHOUSE: See? How could you burn the present I gave you? Because it's my present.
Did you give it to me because you thought I'd like it or because you wanted to feel better about yourself? Children, perhaps it's time that I explain the true meaning of Christmas.
HOMER: Shut up, Flanders.
Okily-dokily.
Now, did you check the room to make sure you haven't left anything? All set.
Need directions or a bottle of water? No, thanks.
We're fine.
Thank you, sir.
(clears throat) Oh, right, we're still doing that.
Come on.
I'll drive you to the airport.
Where are my keys? Oh, right in here.
Bart, you were right.
If you smell your farts in a dream, you die? No, about Christmas.
So I went out this morning and I got you this.
It's a tablet with books on it, but also apps, like Worms With Friends.
(muffled grumbling) Wow.
But how'd you afford it? I sold the gift you gave me.
Get the twist? Obviously.
You're saying it's from Maggie, but actually it's from you.
Thanks, Lis.
Now, why don't you donate that to whatever hopeless cause you want.
Thanks, Bart.
This will make a lot of arctic loons very happy.
(Marge groans) Uh, listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry I overreacted.
Thank you all for coming.
Yeah, well, we have something to say to you, Marge.
(groans) We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring No second verses.
They creep me out.
Okay, we'll sing a different one.
Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast of Stephen Oh, that one creeps me out from the beginning.
When the snow lay round about Deep and crisp and even (loud whirring) Oh, the happy sound of a blender.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Steal This Episode
The Simpsons s25e09 Episode Script
Steal This Episode
(crow squawks) Oh, boy.
Monday morning chit-chat at the water cooler.
The only reason to have done stuff over the weekend.
The only part of the movie I didn't get is: now Radioactive Man gets his powers from his suit? The suit is slowly killing him, but if he doesn't wear it, he'll die.
Oh Wait, you guys saw the new Radioactive Man sequel? Uh, it's not a sequel, it's a reboot.
Actually, this one undoes the stuff from the last one, so it's a de-boot.
Stop talking! I haven't seen it yet! Radioactive Man Re-Rises came out three days ago.
It is fair game.
Yeah, if you haven't seen it, then you gotta leave the water cooler.
But what if I want some cooled water? You should have thought of that when you were not seeing the movie.
Fine.
I'll drink alone.
(grunts) It was so awesome when Radioactive Man had to erase his own memory.
Yeah, so he wouldn't be tortured by his past when he was born in the future.
Oh, they're talking about the movie! Hurry up, you idiot! No, no, don't stop! I'm sorry I got mad.
I'll do that thing you like.
I got Radioactive Man's new villain the Collider.
I turn out to be a good guy.
I die, but come back to life after the credits.
Oh! Sometimes we feel there's nowhere left to turn, much like Radioactive Man, when he had to kill his own antimatter twin with a blast of time particles from the Chrono-cube - Amazing grace How loud I sing and in doing so, mortally wounding To drown the spoilers out! his girlfriend, who was pregnant with his own Shut up, shut up, shut (yells) And stay out! HOMER: Okay.
I gotta go see the Radioactive Man movie before it gets totally ruined for me.
Ooh, date night! I'll go change my bra.
I want to see Radioactive Man Re-Rises.
If Bart's going, I'm going! If Grampa's going, I'm going! If you all go, then I have to pay for a babysitter.
We'll call that nice girl who's getting her Masters in Child Development.
Emily-Beth? We can't afford Emily-Beth! She brings her own puppets! (cooing) Bye-bye, Maggie! Bye-bye, money.
Two adults, two kids, and one senior with the mind of a baby so he should be free.
For the 3-D show, that'll be $72.
What?! Or, for ten dollars more, you can see it in IMAX Hobbit Frame Rate Virtual Reality Vision.
(moviegoers shuddering) (vomits) All right, movie, you better be worth it.
(dramatic music plays) (engines revving) (dancers screaming) HOMER: The motorcycle dudes are chicks! I wonder what else is chicks? (women gasping) Don't ask.
Do smell.
ANNOUNCER: Also available in "Arctic Slut," "Morning After Melon" and "Elon Musk.
" Hey they tricked us! That's a commercial! If I wanted to pay for commercials I can't skip, I'd sign up for Hulu Plus! Shh! You're shushing me? This guy's on his cell phone, she's texting, he's sexting, and that guy brought a baby to a 9:00 movie! (Spanish accent): That's negative, man.
What happened to the movies? First they got worse than TV, and now this! (all gasping) (yelling) And stay out! (Homer moans) Chins up, Homer.
You don't need a theater to watch the movie.
You just have to illegally download it.
Illegally download it? Is that legal? Who knows? But it sure is easy.
I'll walk you through it.
All you have to do is ANNOUNCER: The FOX network forbids the broadcast of step-by-step instructions for illegally downloading copyrighted intellectual property.
In the meantime, please enjoy this footage from NASCAR's 2011 Martinsville Cup.
(engines roaring) Wow, that was easy.
All I had to do was click on (engines roaring) And play! Bless you, boy.
That was the greatest thing I've seen on a computer that I can talk about with you in the room.
How did you know how to do that? I'm under 30.
Guys, guys, I saw the Radioactive Man movie! Here's my ten favorite scenes from worst to best.
Number ten: when what's-his-name did that stuff with those dudes.
Number nine Uh, Homer, that movie's been talked out.
We're discussing the new James Bond flick.
I like that James Bond is ugly now.
I like that he doesn't have any gadgets.
I like that he's not good at shooting, doesn't say funny quips, or do any James Bond stuff.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Homer, go to the theater and see the movie.
(scoffs) Theaters? All I need to see this movie is a laptop and a Web site based in a country that's really just an offshore oil platform.
Care to join me? That was so much better than the cinema.
It mixes the wonder of movie-going with the rush of stealing.
All we want is brand-new, big budget entertainment in our homes for nothin'.
Why doesn't Hollywood get that? Gentlemen, I am inspired to create a theater for the people an experience free of all the nuisances and gouging of modern-day moviegoing! Yeah, no more jerks talking on their cell phones! No more jerks telling me not to talk on my cell phone! And best of all we'll never have to sit through another annoying commercial again! Welcome to "Cinema Pirate-diso.
" Tonight's movie is Life is Funny, directed by Judd Apatow.
It's based on his life, starring his family and ad-libbed by his friends.
So for the next three and a half hours, enjoy! (frustrated groan) Did you just pass gas while we were making love? You're the one who hired the Korean taco truck for our private school fund-raiser.
(chuckles) I live it, he writes it.
Well, what did you think? We may be going to Hell for seeing "side bosom," but this backyard is a little slice of Heaven, all thanks to Homer Simpson! (cheering) This is fun! And it was so nice of the movie company to let you show their film.
Let me? Uh, sweetheart, I downloaded it off the Internet illegally.
An illegal download? But Hollywood says stealing from Hollywood is wrong.
(scoffs) Why should a regular guy like me have to spend so studios can pay huge salaries to the Air Buds and Ray Liottas of the world? Oh! When I watched that pirated movie, I was stealing with my eyes.
So I'm repaying the good people in Hollywood for the ticket I should have bought.
Now this money will end up in the hands of the talented people who make magic happen on the silver screen.
(inhales) Ah (startled gasp) Karen, get me the FBI! Karen! You people joined this squad for one reason: to fight movie pirates.
I wanted to catch serial killers.
(mocking, whiny tone): "I wanted to catch serial killers.
" From now on, you will lay down your lives to protect America's chick flicks, buddy comedies and steady stream of animated misfires.
Sir, you have to see this.
"Took it off the Web "watched for free never pay for a movie again"? Men, set your guns on "kill.
" We're going after Homer Simpson.
I now present, direct from the computer of an angry editor at a special effects house, Cosmic Wars Episode Seven.
(epic orchestral theme playing) (audience cheering) My childhood has been un-ruined! Listen up, seat meat! You are all in violation of Title 17 of the U.
S.
Copyright Code.
(all gasping) Easy there, hotshot.
All the people are doing is watching a movie.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! I'm not wearing an undershirt and my badge is poking into my skin.
What's going on here? Is there a fondler in the neighborhood? I'm here to arrest and hopefully stage the prison suicide of the mastermind of this operation-- Homer Simpson! Ooh, mastermind.
We got our man, thanks to a tip from a heroic American snitch.
(gasps) One of you turned me in? Who was it? You! Superintendent Chalmers, you never forgave me for that time we wore the same Hawaiian shirt to that luau! They're gonna take Dad! We gotta do something! I'm on it.
(screams) Copyrighted material! Don't look at it! Someone sell me a ticket! Ear plugs in! Blinders on! We trained for this! (gunshot) (grunting) From now on, the only place you'll be watching movies without having to buy a ticket is jail.
Oh oh (whimpers) Baby, promise me you'll find out who turned me in.
(moans) It's probably someone I would never suspect.
Never suspect.
(moans) Your moans of sympathy are all I have.
Oh HOMER: Whoever did this to me will be haunted by unbearable guilt forever! Forever! What are you guys in for? Bank robbery.
Drug trafficking.
What about you? Movie piracy.
(all gasp) What?! People in show business work hard to make those movies.
My media stocks under-performed because of people like you.
My brother lost his job as a grip on a movie set because of piracy.
He had to sell his Jet Ski.
A grip without a Jet Ski ain't no grip at all! (yelling) You're about to find out what we do to copyright infringers.
(yelling) (tires screech) (all clamoring) (train horn blowing in distance) Uh huh? (horn blowing) Huh? (screams) (men yelling) (grunting) (screams) Whoo-hoo! It's almost like having Dad here.
Only with less growling when I go near his food.
I just want to know who dropped the dime on Dad.
Lousy rat.
Maybe the person that turned your father in thought they were doing the right thing.
Homer just pirated a movie.
But it's not the worst thing Dad ever did.
It's not even the worst kind of pirate Dad's ever been.
Lisa, tell your brother that stealing is wrong, no matter what.
I don't know.
It wasn't like Dad was stealing for himself.
He created this wonderful experience for the whole town.
I just can't imagine anyone turning him in.
(door creaking open) Dad, Dad, you're back, you're back! Hey! Dad, you're back! Dad! Homer, what are you doing out of prison? You have to go back and give yourself up.
I can't go back to jail! There's no shampoo, just soap! Wait, I know one place in Springfield that doesn't care about Internet piracy laws.
Thanks for taking us in.
Our family always appreciates asylum.
This consulate is like being on Swedish soil.
You're as safe here as you would be in the Skatteskrapan.
(whistles) Your country doesn't think illegally downloading movies is wrong? The people of Sweden believe all movies should be shared freely.
How is that not stealing? Bah, your Hollywood studios are the real thieves, claiming all their hit movies have lost money.
I spit on their bookkeeping.
Yeah, and why don't they make a sequel to Taken where The Hangover guys get taken and the only ones that could rescue them is Fast and Furious.
Aw, man, I would love to pirate that.
As would the proud people of Sweden.
(sirens blaring) (tires screeching) They've found us! There's only one surefire way to get fugitives out of a foreign building-- blasting death metal.
Respecting the law, respecting the law Copyright law, copyright law Copyright law, copyright law You like this? Oh-oh, Swedes love death metal.
It reminds us of death.
Damn those Peace Prize-giving fish-smokers.
I'm so tired of being trapped in this embassy.
Consulate.
Consulates are regional offices, which serve the embassy in the capitol.
Thank you so much for sticking with me through all this.
You're the greatest wife in the world.
(moaning) It was me! I was the one who told the FBI.
You? How could you? You're my own flesh and blood.
I was just trying to do the right thing.
Who would've thought the authorities would use a confession against me? Have you forgotten what you promised at our wedding? To love and cherish? To aid and abet? I never wanted to say funny vows.
Well, you did! And they got laughs.
Solid laughs! I didn't mean for this to happen, but you were stealing.
All I ever had was you looking out for me.
I got nothing now.
All rise in the matter of The People vs.
Homer Simpson.
The people call Hollywood ultra-producer, Judd Apatow.
Homer Simpson is an enemy of art.
Art created by writers, directors, and the guy who uses a computer to erase or enhance nipples.
And not just the people who dream for a living, but the people who depend on us.
The spin class instructors, the personal rabbis, Seth Rogen.
(laughing) (crying): It's true, I need him.
I saw a bootleg DVD of The 40 Year Old Virgin for sale at a car wash.
They left off my director's commentary! It didn't even have a blooper reel! (all groaning) (gavel banging) Homer Simpson, you have been found guilty of illegal reproduction and distribution of copyrighted material.
Before sentencing, do you have anything to say for yourself? No.
Homer, tell them your side of the story.
I know I hurt you, but please trust me now.
It'll work.
You know what, Judge Apatow? I do have something to say.
These movie people may say I'm a pirate, but I'm just a man.
A man who loved Hollywood too much.
So I made my own rules and fought the big guys who tried to destroy my way of life.
He doesn't sound like a villain.
He sounds like a classic underdog.
He's the unlikeliest of heroes! But where's the love story? At first my wife didn't believe in me.
Maybe we forgot why we fell in love in the first place.
But when times seemed darkest, one minute ago, she was there and gave me the strength and courage to fight for what I believe in.
He's a downloading David versus a greedy Goliath.
An Erin Brockovich but with more cleavage! Two, three Good Lord, he's hitting all four quadrants! One family, against all odds, took on the system and lost.
(clamoring) Mr.
Simpson, I'd like to buy the rights to make a movie based on your true story.
I'm attached as executive producer! Attached! Attached! One movie? We envision a trilogy.
Will Smith's family wants to play your family.
I'd be Jaden.
(all clamoring) On behalf of Hollywood, we are dropping all charges.
These people hate my dad.
How can they want to make a movie about him? Hollywood may be run by big corporations trying to squash people, but they make movies about people standing up to big corporations trying to squash them and winning.
I'll sign with whoever can convince Channing Tatum to gain the most weight to play me.
Surprise! - Surprise! Surprise! What the hell is all this? We're so excited about your movie that we're having a special screening.
But the movie isn't in theaters till next week.
Yeah, we ripped a version off Bootleg Bay just like you taught us.
It's still got timecode on it, but, otherwise, it's a clean copy.
(chuckles) You're pirating my movie? The hell you are! Piracy is stealing! You're taking money out of my family's mouths! (gasping) But the movie is i-it's about you pirating movies.
Oh, that's Hollywood fantasy.
We live in the real world, where I have something called prof-it par-tic-i-pa-tion.
That's negative, man.
Oh, Homie Now all of you go see my movie in the theater the day it opens! No bargain matinees! And tell your friends it was great! Buy the stuff they advertise in the commercials before it! Homer in the movie wears Ask Body Spray and so should you! Don't ask! Do smell! Homie, do you really think you should be Up-bup-bup-bup-bup! What have we learned about not blindly supporting our husband? Ask Body Spray! and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY But then when times seemed darkest, she was there; she gave me the strength and courage to fight for what I believe in.
On behalf of Hollywood, we're dropping all charges! (cheering) (laughing) So what do you think, Lise? Who are the good guys here, the media companies or the Internet freedom guys? Well, both groups claim their intentions are noble, but at the end of the day, they're both trying to steal as much money as they can.
So everyone's a pirate? And the worst one of all is (Seth Rogen laughing) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Married To The Blob
The Simpsons s25e10 Episode Script
Married To The Blob
(exclaims anxiously) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (playing glissandos on harp) (playing random melody) (strums strings) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (cowboy melody plays on harmonica) (ethereal chord chimes) (strumming guitar) (whale singing) (eerie melody plays) (jaunty circus music playing) (hoarse barking) (electric guitar plays surf riff) (footsteps thudding) (various melodies and sounds shifting rapidly) (melodies and sounds shifting faster) (remote shattering) NARRATOR: High above Zenith City, Radioactive Man keeps a lonely vigil! RADIOACTIVE MAN: All seems quiet.
Maybe I'll fly to China and get some takeout.
(gasps) A sky tweet from Commissioner Sweeney! This looks like a job for: @radioactivemanÃ³01.
(whooshing) Leaping Leptons! It's the Fossil Fuel Four! Old King Coal Patroleus Rex French Femme Fatale Charcoal Briquette and the enemy of drinking water everywhere, the Fracker.
(grunting with effort) Stop attacking the nuclear plant-- this country's safest energy source! Studies show, I'm America's best hope for energy independence.
(laughs) Those studies were industry financed.
You lie! Holy Hedrons! I need backup! Calling Citizen Solar, and his sidekick Wind Lad.
(French accent): I believe you will find them lacking in energy.
It's too cloudy.
People don't like the noise I make.
Ehhh Petroleus Rex, please remember when you used to be Environmental Scientist Rex Bernstein.
I have become my destiny.
(grunts, groans) I'll crush you like a gnat, King Coal.
(shouting in pain) (grunting with effort) (shouting) Half life.
Quar ter life.
Eighth life.
Gone.
Frack-cellent! (laughs sinisterly) They killed off Radioactive Man? I did not see that coming.
Die-carumba! They'll just reboot Radioactive Man in an overpriced new origin issue and get clueless fanboys like you to line up at midnight to buy them.
Clueless fanboys in costume.
(text alert chimes) MILHOUSE: Wow! Midnight.
I won't know which day to write in my diary.
Homer.
What? Will you take me to buy a comic book Tuesday at midnight? And miss the back half of Jimmy Kimmel? That's when he experiments, boy.
You never watched an episode of Jimmy Kimmel in your life.
Yes, I have.
After the Oscars, when he forces you.
(Ralph Wiggum singing random melody) (door bell dings, all cheering, clapping) Quiet.
Quiet! And attention please, valued customers.
You will each be allowed to enter the store, and buy one copy.
Swallow your gum, now.
(all gulp) MILTON: Oh.
Oh.
Mr.
Book Guy.
Can I go first? I was once cast to play Fallout Boy in a movie.
Tell it to Harlan Ellison.
I think, you over-privileged kids with your electronic tablets and your talking phones, wouldn't know a good piece of fiction if your iPod read it to your ass.
I wish someone would have come from the future, and warned me not to talk to you.
That's my idea! You're stealing my idea! Sorry.
C-B-G.
What's the happs, my man? Well, well, well.
If it isn't Milo, the owner of my main competitor, Coolsville.
Or should I say, "Foolsville.
" That is some tasty cashish, my friend.
Indeed.
And how did you spend your evening? Um Let's see.
I wrote a Lost fan fiction finale that also answers all the questions from Twin Peaks.
Reranked all the DoctorWhos by puffiness of the hair.
Oh, and I also got married to my actual, non-imaginary, comic-tolerating girlfriend, Strawberry.
Now when Milo talks to himself, it won't seem crazy.
So, Milo talks to himself.
We will treasure that information.
Yes we will.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna share this primo origin ish with my bride.
Even the mintiest comic is just acidifying pulp, if you have no one to read it with, right? Nerds don't get girls.
These days they do, man.
Comic-Con is now eight percent women.
STRAWBERRY: Burn! Wrong Wrong! Wro-- Where is he? Come on, buddy, I gotta get home and climb into bed with my loving wife.
Oh, right.
You have a loving wife.
Oh.
Marge and I get along perfect.
We're like George Burns and John Denver.
Oh, man! Carrying these kids is hard on my back.
Oh! Oh, yeah! And now to Moe's.
Look at him.
Look.
He's got family friends.
What do I have? Oof.
Jimmy Olsen vs.
Matter Eater Lad.
Hm.
This is better than I remembered, actually.
No! No it isn't! It-It's horrible! (moans) The only thing that could make this moment more cliched, is if I started to sing about my feelings.
And here I go.
(slow, melancholy intro) I've always been happy To call myself single No Mary Jane Or Lois Lane With whom I'd co-mingle You could say that I was An unstackable Pringle I've got originals signed By Siegel and Shuster But they don't satisfy In the way that they used-ter It really don't matter if you've got a Cap Anson If you spend your nights in your underwear prancin' With your cardboard stand Of Scarlett Johansson! (yelling, grunting) Guess I've always been lonely But I've never revealed it Dropped my heart into Mylar And then (sobs) Vacuum sealed it.
(quiet sigh) Stan Lee! Or, is it my imagination? I'm your imagination.
The real Stan Lee's over there.
Excelsior! But listen, as comic book guys go, you're trim, friendly, and, quite a catch.
(laughs) But now your opportunity is knocking.
Huh?! Don't let it slip by.
Can you help me? I can only watch.
I cannot interfere.
New Radioactive Man number one, please.
Come on, nudnik.
Ask her out.
You're interfering.
Hey, I'm 90 years old.
I can do what I want.
Um Er Stammer.
Eh C-Can I sign you up for our frequent buyer's club? The Just Us League? You would be member number 003.
I-- I am the first two.
Sure.
I am Kumiko Nakamura from Osaka.
I am visiting America's saddest cities, as research for my autobiographical manga.
Volume Six, Springfield.
Land of Angry Tears.
That's you.
The man with sparkling eyes, and zigzag beard.
You have seen me before? Yes.
Through window.
But you don't see me.
You're either looking down in disgust, or up in disdain.
I think you have great soul.
Would you permit me to go in the back, and do a brief inventory? (muffled): She tolerates me! Ah Is it too soon to give you flowers in a Hulk hand? It is the perfect time.
(doorbell rings) (humming happily) Hmm? (yelling): Bart! Your comic vendor's here.
Uh, actually, it is you that I am here to see.
I, um, I need your help.
I am getting ready for a date.
(stammers) The closest thing I have to a father is the Obi-Wan doll in my store.
And he comes from a race of celibate knights.
So I will help you.
As long as our bellies never touch again like they are right now.
BOTH: Ew! MARGE: Oh! Why pick me? Because you are the only fat man in real life who ever got a hot woman.
Hey.
Ooh (laughs) Well, come in.
I'll explain how it all works.
Okay.
It helps if she's got a mother she's trying to get back at.
MARGE: Aw No woman will be able to resist you, dressed like this.
Now, remember, don't be the way you normally are and sustain that for the rest of your life.
Kumiko, uh, meet my dear friends uh, Homer and Marge Simpson.
I-In my country, it is a tradition to bring a much older couple on a first date.
It is not in any way, weird, or-or sad.
Does anyone tell you that you look like the man on a box of Mr.
Sparkle? Aka ni taishte burei da! Yogore o yaburu! In Japan, drinking your detergent is a popular method of suicide.
(gasps) Honki da yo?! Kumiko, for you, we chose the coolest restaurant in town.
But the walls are covered with garbage.
MARGE: Oh Not garbage, Americana.
Here's some more Americana, that bubbled up in the swamp.
Here you go: Your All-American Fifty State Potato Skin Sampler.
Okay: Wisconsin, cheddar.
Maryland, blue crab.
They're neither in alphabetical, nor geographical order.
What-What madness is this? Please, sir.
Ask your questions after all 50 "tates.
" I cannot hide the snide inside.
Oh.
I don't mind.
If you think it's stupid, say it's stupid.
Really? In Japan, no one ever says what they think.
We know our game shows are degrading and our baseball fences are too close.
But no one says anything.
(gasps) Attention, restaurateurs! (diners murmuring) You should've spent less on the kitsch, and more on the kitch-en.
With this bowl of Chuck's Cherokee Salsa, I baptize you mediocre, at best.
(laughs) American nerd snark is the finest in the world.
Let's go walking and mocking in the rain.
I'm in love! And, yet, still a little bitter.
It's surprising.
(Japanese pop song "Ponponpon" playing) JIM-JAM BONKS: Father, why-sa you-sa forsake-a me-sa? (applause) Marge, Homer, you have nurtured our love like Steven Speilberg nurtured the careers of Zemeckis and Gale.
(sympathetically): Oh So, we want you to know, I have decided to move in to the basement under his store.
At last, we'll be in the same bed.
Just like Batman and Robin.
HOMER: Ohh.
MARGE: Hmm Homer, I want you to take Kumiko and Comic Book Guy a housewarming present, and maybe check in on them? We talked about this, Marge.
The hammock is a chore-free zone.
Apparently, including tying the knots on the hammock.
And getting the termites out of the trees.
(squeaking) Not a word.
(Japanese accent): Excuse me, sir.
I am looking for my daughter.
I thought this was her residence, but all I see is a store full of, uh, non-pornographic manga.
(gasps) You're Kumiko's father? Welcome, sensei.
I am not a Kung fu instructor.
I am a humble salary man who could kick your ass.
Say, has anyone told you you look like-- I know.
Mr.
Sparkle.
I was going to say, like you're going to have a stroke.
(laughs) I get that a lot too.
Now, please, where is my daughter? Okay.
She moved in with her boyfriend.
Well, he's not a boy.
He's immature.
But, fat and old.
So, an obese nerd has stolen my daughter to live in his basement? I didn't tell you about the basement.
It was an obvious guess! (bell dings) (crying) Daughter! You are coming back to Japan! There are 87 old people who need you to take care of them.
No.
Please Please.
I was becoming cuddly.
I deleted rants from my blog.
You can retrieve rants if you did not empty your trash.
Goodbye! Now I know I've got a heart because it's breaking.
Wizard of Oz reference! Did I do that? Urkle reference! (panting) Help me.
Fire reference! (panting): I can't stop.
I can't stop.
Homer Simpson, this was your doing.
And I want you to fix it.
I have a bad feeling about this! Every action movie ever made reference! Now! Yeah, Homer.
We have much in common.
We both love our daughters, and discipline our sons.
No discipline would imply, I'm trying to make him better.
So are you married? (sighs) My dear Michiko has passed away.
But she's always with me.
You promise double suicide.
You hear what you want to hear.
Always with me.
Another drink! Something stronger! (creaks) BARTENDER (dramatically): Snake rice wine.
Now, that's disgusting.
Wine made of rice? Try some.
Hai.
(hissing) (Homer slurring drunkenly) (Mr.
Nakamura drunkenly laughs) (slurring): Why didn't I stop with the snake wine? Why did I drink the fish wine? That was the aquarium.
(quiet, gentle melody plays) (engine humming) (tires screeching) You didn't see nothin'.
Scram.
(clanking) Uh! I am ruined by whimsy.
MILHOUSE'S VOICE: The good thing is, soon I'll be a beautiful swan.
(cackling) Aw (whimpers) What's going on here? BART & LISA: We'll explain it.
The rice wine has penetrated to the essence of your souls.
Yeah, listen to my tail.
You're the tail! No You're the tail.
(yelling): Dad! Bart's feet are on my half of the shell! (screaming): Why, you slimey little-- Ow! (both grunting) (grunting) Ooh.
Hey, that actually feels good.
(grunting) Oh, yeah.
More.
A little bit more.
(shouting) Right there.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
Enough nonsense! I came here for my daughter! I-I am a golden bird And I love the comic nerd Of this, I won't be cured Papa-san, Papa-san.
The monster is me.
Who 'da thunk it? (weeping) (thunder rumbling) (sighs) Homer, drinking that snake wine, and going to White Castle afterwards, really opened my eyes.
Mr.
Nakamura, I have used my hitherto unmentioned chemical engineering degree to get a real job at the Springfield Phosphate Works.
They're giant polluters.
But the CEO is a woman.
It's very vexing.
Now, have I proven myself worthy of your daughter? (firmly): No.
Please, take your time.
You were worthy! The way you were.
I-- I was? But I rented the store.
I eBayed my stool.
Cancel the sale.
But then my seller rating will go down Stop being nerd! Yes, Papa-san.
Geekly beloved, we are gathered here in the eyes of me, King of the Cameos, Stan Lee.
To celebrate the wedding of, Comic Book Guy, and Kumiko Nakamura.
Does anyone wish to offer any thoughts, on this blessed occasion? Yes.
(clears throat) I-I-I would like to say something.
Um, since I met Kumiko, strangely, comic books no longer seem so important.
I will also be selling greeting cards.
And, every day, I will give one to Kumiko in commemoration of today, with the salutation, "Best Day Ever.
" Ghost Wife, are you happy? Kind of! (traditional Japanese music playing) MILHOUSE: How long am I gonna stay this way? As long as we keep drinkin' this.
(clink) DOLPH: Give us your eggs.
I'm a boy.
KEARNEY: We said eggs.
(all laughing) Yes! and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Specs and the City
The Simpsons s25e11 Episode Script
Specs and the City
D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Super Bowl XLVIII between the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos.
The field is a frozen tundra, (Bart laughing) imported at great expense from Alaska.
Hmm? Hmm?! Huh? (shrieks) (gasps) Oh! (gasps) (screams) (screams, jabbers) (screams, jabbers) Whoo-hoo.
(whimpers) (sobs) (Homer continues whimpering, sobbing) (electricity buzzes, Homer screams and whimpers) (Homer screams, electricity crackles) ANNOUNCER: And the game comes down to this one play-- (Homer screaming) a final field goal.
The kick is up, it hits the crossbar and-- (power humming off) HOMER: D'oh! (Homer slurps beer, then whoops) (to tune of "Silver Bells"): Glowing rods, glowing rods It's making me Weak and dizzy Uh, rumor has it they're about to give out the company Christmas gifts.
Who told you that? I got an in.
The VP of Personnel is doing my girlfriend.
Ooh, look at you, Mr.
Connected.
I hope it's better than last year's lousy gift.
CARL: Yeah, what a rip.
Ugh.
Remember this gift? The executive stress ball.
BURNS' VOICE: One more squeeze and you're fired.
(gasps) Now I feel more stressed than ever.
Gah! (gags) BURNS' VOICE (muffled): Excellent.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Uh, you don't look so excellent to me.
(retches) Ho, ho, humbug.
Santa Claus approaches to judge and punish.
Wow! A good gift for once.
Oogle Goggles.
Augmented reality glasses.
You wear them like eyeglasses, but inside the lens, you see information about the people and places around you.
Ooh, finally I'm not a slave to my stupid human eyeballs.
(gasping in wonder) HOMER: Ooh! Whoa.
(high-pitched gibbering) (smug chuckling) Glasses, call Lenny.
Ooh, I'm getting a call.
Answer call.
Hello? Lenny, it's me, Homer.
Hm.
I always thought it was "Simp-sen.
" Really? Don't you ever look up at the sky? (theme song playing) Always wondered what that was.
Sir, I'm concerned about your sudden generosity.
The doctor said to bring you in right away if you display kindness or warmth.
Oh, don't worry.
This Santa still has claws.
As of now, each of those nuclear nitwits is wearing a video camera.
With a direct feed to me.
(gasps) You're spying on them? Smithers, how much did this company lose to office supply theft last year? $7,043.
Yes, well, no more of that.
Thanks to this $26 million surveillance system.
Beware, rabbits.
I spy with my transplanted eyes.
Oh, and I forgot to show you the best feature.
Each of these buttons represents an employee.
When I press it, he or she dies.
(scoffs) What's wrong with this thing? (grunts in frustration) Now, remember kids, the school says you must have a valentine card for everyone in your class.
How does this mean anything when everyone's forced to do it? What did I say about pointing out the meaninglessness of things? Not to.
Well, no way I'm giving a valentine to Nelson.
He's a bully, and I do not love him.
Jesus says to love your enemies.
That's because Jesus knows one day, he gets to look his enemies in the eye and say "It was me who sent you to Hell.
" Bart, your school requires you to give everyone a valentine card in an envelope with a fun sticker.
Your teacher put out an e-mail alert.
With a video attachment.
MAN: Welcome to Firstline.
Tonight, "Valentine's Day: Always A Massacre.
" At this school, children may give valentines to whomever they choose.
Danny is unpopular, due to rumors he sleeps in the raw with his ma and his pa.
Human young are born with the ability to count valentines, and Danny realizes he's been snubbed.
Past generations of children were used to rejection.
But today's kids, raised in a climate of video games and instant messaging, are fragile weirdos.
LYMAN: On February 15, 2:00am, after checking the mailbox one last time, Danny nearly died from an overdose of little candy hearts.
Many of history's monsters never received a valentine.
Attila the Hun,Mao Tse-tung, and me, Will Lyman.
This is Firstline.
Fine, Nelson gets a valentine.
An old one from the box.
Perfect.
Bad movie, bad pun, even bad paper stock.
(Homer laughing) (giggles) What's so funny? I'm watching videos of idiots wearing these glasses and not paying attention to the world around them.
Look at these jerks.
(man screams) Ow! (man screams) I don't understand what's so great about these state of the art, solar-powered, computo-glasses.
I'll let you try them on, right after I decide if these videos are Funny Or Die.
Funny, funny, die, die, funny, funny but the guy died.
Oh.
Now, a simple Sunday drive will reveal the hidden wonders of our hometown.
Hmm (grunting with effort) Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Springfield City Hall was built for the Spencer Tracy movie Meet Me At City Hall.
It was just a flat wall with nothing behind it for 30 years.
Dad, Bart's on my side of the seat.
Dad, Lisa's my little sister.
(both grunting) The rearview mirror was invented in 1911, for just this reason.
Interesting.
When was the term "shut up" invented? As early as 1859, shut up was used to shut up Homie, I think the kids are just hungry.
Glasses, direct me to the nicest restaurant I can afford.
FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Accessing soup kitchens.
What, you Oh, that's it, I'm taking you off.
Aah! Reality.
JEREMY: Oh! Sorry, sir! Okay, let's see what we got here.
Ugh, oh! Ooh.
Eh.
MARGE: Oh.
(Homer giggles) HOMER: Mm-hmm.
Squeeze here.
Rotate there.
Pause for sweet talk.
Oh, glasses, you're so wonderful.
Huh? A-Are you using your glasses for snuggling? But the avatar looks just like you.
I'm afraid wives don't make passes at husbands in those glasses.
Glasses, find me a great gift for my wife.
(whispers): Under five dollars.
MARGE: I heard that! Glasses, take me two minutes back in time.
Oh (grumbles) Marge.
Mm.
About the glasses.
Mm! I'm really sorry, and Mm, mm, mm.
Here's your breakfast.
Only five pancakes? You're trying to kill me.
Well, I'm not happy with you.
Look, honey, I know these glasses are a radical new technology and should be worn in moderation.
Isn't that right, glasses? FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Yes, just like I told you.
Anyway, I'm giving them up.
To whoever dares take them.
(Lisa and Bart gasp) Yoink.
Aw, come on, Mom.
For once, I'm grabbing the goody.
So the rumors are true.
Moms can want things.
Hmm.
Hmm Nicely done, Lewis.
A Transformer that transforms into a heart? I love it! Mm.
This Hershey's Kiss is melted.
Not good.
My mom left it on the dashboard! My mom! I'll have yours now, Simpson.
In Ga'hoole, we would break his frickin' knees.
No.
No Valentine for you, Nelson.
Excuse me? I'll give a Valentine to a loser, I'll give a Valentine to a dork, I'll even give a Valentine to a girl, but I won't give a Valentine to a bully! Here's what's gonna happen.
You have one week to make me the best Valentine any kid ever got.
And what if I don't? Simpson, there's gonna be a heart in my hand, either paper or yours.
Hey, everybody.
That's strange.
I-I'm hearing a voice, but I'm not seeing a user icon.
Carl, it's me.
I'm here.
Really here! Hey, Homer.
A lot of information about you.
Let me just page through it.
Oh! Stop! Hey! What? Oh, no one can live in a non-augmented reality.
I need another pair of glasses.
Charlie, your move in Muppet Chess.
Gonzo to Fozzie Seven.
Aw! That's Kermit-mate.
Wocka wocka! Oh, why is it the recipe card you need is always the one Homer writes his cocktail ideas on? Maybe these bleep-bloop glasses can help.
Okay, Marge Simpson entering the Matrix, for a brownie recipe.
FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Here are my top-rated recipes.
Ooh.
So many choices, Maggie.
(beeping) HOMER: Um, Mr.
Burns, sir? Can I get another pair of glasses? Maybe two pair? One for the beach house? Can I also get a beach house? Two beach houses.
Huh? Monitors?! What the? Burns gave us those glasses so he could spy on us! This is a violation of our human rights.
(cracks knuckles) Okay, so let's see what we can see.
Solitaire, top hats on eBay, Angry Birds fan fiction, guy doing really easy crossword puzzle, Lenny doing Carl's clown makeup someone's actually working? Maggie?! Who's Mommy's little girl? Genealogy.
org says you are! You are! (Maggie giggles) (chuckles): Aw Wait a minute.
Since Marge is wearing my glasses, I can see everything she sees! Uh-uh, I shouldn't watch this.
MARGE: Such a good baby.
You deserve some ice cream.
Wait a minute-- Marge said we were out of ice cream.
(Marge humming happily) Ooh! (Marge chuckles) (gasps) Oh! What else is Marge hiding from me? (doorbell rings) MARGE: Maggie, he's here! Oh, is she having an affair? Thanks for asking me to lunch.
Oh, why isn't she having an affair?! What about a Valentine that says: "Bully, for you"? Hmm, interesting.
"Interesting" means "no.
" "Interesting" means "no.
" (snaps fingers) Milhouse, you're a genius! I am? What did I say? (groans): Oh, nothing.
On TV when a guy says something lame, another guy says he's a genius, and then he has an idea.
I thought it might work for me.
Well, you called me a genius.
That means a lot.
Oh, I hate this stupid holiday! The only thing you can do is screw it up.
(gasps) That's it! Bart, you're a genius! Well, if you keep throwing the word around, it means nothing.
Who are you? Mr.
Burns! Oh.
I'm so sorry, Mr.
Burns.
I won't bother you again.
HOMER: Marge, that's a "Compact Only" space.
(Marge grunts) (chuckles): Well who knew you were such a rebel? Now let's learn more about my wife's secret life.
Secrets which can only be good.
Hi, Marge.
Dr.
Carlock is ready for you.
MARGE: Thank you.
So, Marge, how have you been? MARGE (sighs): Okay, I guess.
Marge is in therapy?! MARGE: Oh, I hate when I come here and the first word out of my mouth is "Homer.
" But here we go, again.
(sighs) Homer was converting our dollars to "yu-ros.
" Not the money, the sandwich.
And has there been any improvement in Homer's drinking? MARGE: Well, he's down to two beers in the shower.
They're pale ales! Please! Well, maybe if you just concentrate on one problem, like his temper.
MARGE: Oh, everything in the newspaper makes him mad.
Not Marmaduke! Never Marmaduke! Marmaduke was horrible today! Also, Marge is in therapy, and she didn't even tell me.
Whoa.
She has crossed a line.
How did you find out? Spied on her with a hidden camera.
She thinks I'm selfish.
She thinks I don't spend enough time with the kids.
Well, that's crazy.
Come on.
You work your butt off in a radioactive hellhole, and what do you get? Not one lousy superpower.
I guess the only choice is to come clean with her and tell her what I know, and how I know.
Whoa, whoa! Bad idea.
No, no.
Chicks do not like finding out they're being spied on.
I speak from loooooong.
experience.
No, you got to make it seem like you found out by accident there.
Um ooh! Next week you schedule an appointment with the therapist after hers, and then you bump into Midge in the waiting room there.
Moe, that's great! (chuckles): How do you get your ideas? Pretty much all my friends are divorced guys.
Hello, Homie! Dinner's almost ready.
Pork chops with my secret seasoning.
Yeah, you do like your secrets, don't you, Marge? Don't lose your cool, Homer.
The building block of a marriage is long silence.
Hey, where'd she go? Good, good, you held your tongue there.
Because-- hey, where'd you go? Doesn't anybody want me to give 'em advice? Okay there, Fido, when you see that squirrel outside, at first you play it cool, you understand? (barks twice) "I fear you"? This is what Valentine's Day means to you?! This is what it means to everyone.
How can you be forced to say "I love you"? People only give Valentines because they're scared of what would happen if they didn't.
"Nelson, you frighten me so, "The psycho-est bully I know, "You're a sociopath in need of a bath, I'm sure you'll wind up on death row.
" (sniffing) Mmm! You can really smell the fear on this.
I rubbed it on Milhouse.
Simpson, you just touched my heart's butt.
Why are you hugging yourself? Why are you hugging yourself?! If Nelson doesn't do something bully-ish in two seconds, I'm gonna wedgie him.
Nelson doesn't wear underwear.
Wow.
Always one step ahead.
Uh, I'm here to check in for the 3:00.
Please fill out these forms, Mr.
Fakinami.
No, it's "Fake Name.
" I'll just call you Elias.
That's "Alias.
" Duh.
Hm! HOMER: Finally.
Time for the big bump-into.
Same time next week, Marge? Oh, absolutely.
These sessions keep me on an even keel.
Dr.
Carlock is like my Wednesday reset button.
HOMER: Wednesday? (pleasant classical music playing) Okay, she's always in a good mood after therapy.
(sad, minor-key music playing) (Marge hums happily) Oh, my God.
Marge needs this.
It lights her way through the dark path of marriage to me.
Come on in, Mr.
Fakinami.
No need.
Everything's fine.
I'm sorry, but there are no cancellations within 24 hours.
(chuckles): Well, as long as I'm paying for the time Ow! Where'd you learn to cut hair? (nervous chuckle) You know, you have some anger issues.
More snip, less lip.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, Homie, I bumped into Helen Lovejoy today, and guess what? I don't need to know, Marge.
You deserve to have your secrets.
It's not a secret.
It's a funny story.
Okay, Marge, but first, well I have something I need to tell you.
Something I did you might be mad about, and rightly so.
Oh, I bet my story's more interesting.
Whoo-hoo! I tried! Okay.
Okay, so, Helen Lovejoy told me that she made her famous snickerdoodle Bundt cake for the church sale, and she put in salt instead of sugar! (laughs) Yeah? And? That's it.
That was the story.
Where's that cake now? It got sold.
Who bought it? Dr.
Hibbert.
Excuse me.
I have to make a call.
Don't take too long.
Okay, Hibbert's in surgery, but they're having him paged.
(both moaning passionately) Wait, something's wrong.
(grunts) That's better.
Oh, dear God.
Hi, Ralph.
Um, I just wanted to tell you, there was a tooth in the Valentine you gave me.
Plant it and you'll grow a new Ralph.
I don't need a new Ralph.
I like the old one.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, better get ready for St.
Patrick's! and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Diggs
The Simpsons s25e12 Episode Script
Diggs
(squeals) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (electrical buzzing) (Homer grunts) MARGE: D'oh! Stupid fuse.
Mmm! Maggie? Maggie! Maggie? Maggie! Mmm! (honking) Mmm! (groans, growls) (grunts) (honking) (growling) Hmm Maggie? Maggie! Hmm.
Hey! Maggie! And it's for all these reasons and more that the Kingdom of Moab is the least interesting in the Bible.
Amen.
Amen! We're done! Allow me to introduce our guest speaker (Homer groans) from the ill-advised mission in Indonesia, the Reverend Kartawijaya.
(Bart groans) I know how you feel, young man.
Huh? The children in my village are just like you.
One boy, named Sumadi, never comes to church.
He is always tying the monkeys' tails together and yelling, "Tiger is gone," when, in fact, tiger is there.
Hmm! Unfortunately, Sumadi is sick now.
What?! Su-Sumadi has a problem? Sumadi and others equally doe-eyed need urgent medical treatment.
After all, we are all just children of Allah.
I mean God.
Sorry.
Recent convert.
Poor Sumadi.
Born in such a terrible country.
Now, wait a minute.
But good news.
To help him, we will now have a second collection.
(congregation groans) Wasn't our sympathetic nodding enough? Mom, can I have some money? I'm sorry, honey.
I'm all out.
I spent all I had lighting that candle for Great Aunt Betty.
I hope that wasn't somebody's Aunt Betty or something.
Dad, please? For Sumadi? Sorry, son, I only have 20s.
And if God needs money, why doesn't he just write another Bible? The first one sold pretty well.
Does anyone remember when it was considered rude to talk in church? Pipe down, Ned.
Please? All right, son, but you have to pay me back.
(sighs) Life is good.
Do you have my money? What? Do you have my money? How could I? Right, right, too soon.
Do you have my money? (groans) Seriously, do you have my money? Where's my money? Huh? (slurping) Where's my money? Where's my mon ey? It's been a rough patch, man.
Hope you got something to cheer me up.
Well, there is one fun fact I've been saving for an emergency situation.
Did you know there really was a Duncan Hines? Where's my money? Do you have my money? Where is it? You know, if you had the money, I'm right here.
Do you have the money? Money-money-money-money-mon Homer, quit badgering the boy.
Pressure's how you make your beloved diamonds, Marge.
I don't have any diamonds.
Quit pressuring me! Money, money.
I need money! Would you eat anything for money? I guess.
Who are you? School play.
Damn Yankees.
Children of the playground! I will eat anything for money! Except money! I'll give you a quarter if you eat my gum.
I'll give you another if you eat mine.
Here's some orthodontic wax! (lisps): And some cinnamon! Saint-John's-wort! And here's something that'll make you forget about the other stuff.
BART: Ay caramba.
(blubbers) So, what else you got? All right, Simpson.
messed-up enough to eat this.
(laughs) (whimpers) (gasps) No, Bart, no! Do it, and you'll always be known as the kid who ate the dead frog.
(Homer's voice): Where's my money? Get my money! Money-money-money-money-money! (disgusted exclaiming) (slurps, kids exclaim) Easiest money I ever (beeping) Son, by rights, I should be playing banjo at your funeral.
That frog was filled to the gills with formaldehyde, a highly toxic poison.
(chuckles) Here's your money, Dad.
What? Did you owe me some money? And, Homer, here's your bill for $4,000.
D'oh! Where's my money? You got my money? Where's my money? (chuckles) Seriously, where's my money? Ew! It's the kid who ate the dead frog! Herbivore! That's someone who eats plants.
I named the frog Herb.
Even you won't sit with me? Bart, if you sit here, I'll be the boy who sat next to the boy who ate the frog.
And I'm already the boy who shared a comb with a boy who threw up on the boy who wet his pants at the winter carnival.
P.
S.
I would've given you the money.
(groans) (tires screech) (school bell rings) (tires squeal) What's the matter, frog in your throat? You're the ones that paid me to eat it.
All we hear is: ribbit, ribbit! (bird shrieks) (exclaiming) You said this was a simple bullying job! Diggs and Freedom at your service.
Diggs is short for Digby.
Thanks.
I'm the kid that ate the frog.
Oh, so you're the reason I had to dissect a Muppet in biology today.
Thanks for the help, man.
Oh, you're welcome.
At least for me.
There's no way to say what the bird thinks.
Or even if he thinks, really.
Wait, wait, wait! Who the hell are you? I transferred here a few months ago.
To this school? On purpose? Even after Springfield Montessori opened across the street? (gentle classical music plays) That place is really in your face.
I like the lack of attention.
(quietly): Especially in here.
(door creaks softly) This school has a falconry club? No way.
I resuscitated it.
I'm president, secretary treasurer and faculty advisor.
That took a lot of fancy paperwork.
But it was worth it to be left alone.
Can I join? Hmm.
I'll have to check with Freedom.
(loud clink) Habemus Papam! We have a poop! It's white.
You're in.
Looks like the falconry club's back from the dead.
Can the Esperanto Society be far behind? (chuckles): I mean Cu la Esperanto-Societo esti multe malantau? (sighs) Two languages, and somehow no one will talk to you.
Gi estas vera.
Mi tre soleca.
Loser.
The first thing to learn about falcons is how beautiful they are in flight.
(screeches) Don't fret.
He'll be back.
There's my Sky Gramma! (mumbles) Bart's usually first in line for Taco Night, but now he's muy tarde.
(quiet gasp) Oh, is it all right to say "tarde"? Mmm, hey, you've said it twice, Marge-- you're in pretty deep.
Homer! Ten-minutes rules! Lisa! (muffled): What? A rule's a rule.
There he is! (gasps) Ah, he is just riding that thermal! You were right about watching him fly.
I thought you'd get it.
Seat backs and tray tables, Bart.
We're coming in for a landing.
(screeches) Wow, you don't know how impressive that is to a boy whose dad can't even get the dog to sit.
Sit.
Sit.
Sit Sit! (yells): Sit! I don't know what that is, but it's not sitting! Where could Bart be? I saw him heading across the field after school with a kid a little bit older and undoubtedly wiser.
Oh, I know what that means! There comes a time when a boy sneaks his first beer.
Finally! I was beginning to think that kid was a (quietly): teetotaler.
Bart Simpson, at your service.
More like "at your six-pack," am I right? (laughs) It's okay if you need to take a little nap.
Why would I want a nap? Because you're so drunk you can barely keep it together.
I wasn't drinking.
I was learning that nature isn't a complete waste of space.
That doesn't sound like you.
But it does sound like the kind of lie you'd make up after the first time you got blitzed.
I met this kid.
A little older, kind of strange.
I don't think other people get him.
But I just want to hang out with him all the time.
(gasps) It's even better than I thought.
You've found your Moe Szyslak! In just a few short years, you'll be getting your version of baked on your version of pot listening to your version of Journey.
(laughs) Wha? What's he doing? (Freedom cries) Now, when he lands, you'll feed him so he has positive associations with you.
(squawks) Don't worry, he's only bitten off one of my fingers.
(gasps) (laughs) Just goofing on you.
This is the finger he bit off.
If he starts to carry you off, slip out of the glove.
Now tell him to fly.
Fly! Fly! Come on, man! Do the wing thing! (Freedom squawking) I did it! He did it! We did it! Yes, Bart, that is how you conjugate the verb "to do.
" Well done.
Come Saturday morning D'oh! I'm going away with my friend We'll Saturday spend Till the end of the day Hey! Bring back my bling.
Just I and my friend We'll travel for miles In our Saturday smiles Give that back! All I got is a hole in my face! (nasally): Uncle Krusty's back.
(Freedom cries) Whoa! Did you teach him to do that? (laughs) Nobody could communicate that.
Except maybe Gerard Manley Hopkins.
"I caught this morning morning's minion "Kingdom of daylight's dauphin, "Dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding "Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing.
" Wow! (frog croaks) I've already eaten.
Hey, you want to see something really cool? Is a falcon's training leash called a creance? Yes! (grunts) Say something so I'll know you're not hurt.
I'm really hurt.
Phew! Bartholomew! Good to see you, old sport.
Where's Freedom? Well, my dad said don't bring home any more dogs, cats, turtles or snakes, but he never said anything about predatory birds.
(muffled squawk) (fans cheering) Okay, in your terms, points are like mice (screeches) Don't interrupt.
I just thought it would be nice if we shared an interest.
(Freedom screeches) Ooh GRAMPA: You Korean girls know what a soldier likes.
(squawks) Fine! But the game is much more enjoyable if you understand it.
Look, the Eagles and the Falcons.
Tell me you're not interested in that.
(Freedom screeches) (groans) I could fly, too, if I didn't have a wife and three kids! Hey, you've had a lot of visitors.
No, I signed them myself.
They're people I would've liked to come visit.
BART: Ay, caramba! Listen, what happened in that tree? Um, you want the truth? Of course you do.
You're like Diogenes.
But with slingshot in place of lamp.
I wanted to fly.
I know it sounds a little crazy now, but I suddenly thought maybe we can all fly, but somehow we've forgotten that we can.
You don't still think that, do you? Hey, I'm not flying anywhere with this broken wing.
Bart, here's another doctor that would like a few words with this young man.
This hospital has another doctor? So they're transferring him to another hospital.
Well, I hope he gets out soon and takes his bird back.
I don't care for how it circles the cat.
(cat meowing) He's just riding the thermals from Dad's butt.
At least someone in this family is using them.
I never heard of this new hospital, so I looked it up and printed it out.
Ooh! Can I visit him tomorrow? (sighs) I don't know, Bart.
This is one of those Arkham Asylum-type hospitals.
Diggs isn't cuckoo! Uh, listen, boy.
Maybe you should spend more time with your old best friend.
You know, Dweebler.
Milhouse abandoned me.
So, why can't I go there? Bart, if this is what I think it is, it's not a place we should ever, ever take a little boy.
Then why is Diggs there? Because it's his home forever.
You know, Bart, just because Diggs is a little different doesn't mean he's not a good person.
What would you know about friends like Diggs? I have about eight of them.
So, how do we fix him? Oh, Bart.
Diggs's problems don't have easy fixes.
What kind of cheer-up talk is this? Well, sometimes it helps to know people feel for you.
(chuckles) Want a hug? You hug the bedpost.
Then I hug the bedpost.
That way we never hug each other.
Come Saturday morning I'm going away Hey, Simpson.
I heard bird boy got a new cage.
One with rubber bars.
Yeah, and a rubber perch! Yeah, yeah, and a I get it.
It sucks.
Really sucks.
Rubber birdfeeder.
Making fun of the mentally ill-- real classy.
But you guys were We were what, Captain Sensitive? The rumors of my bonkertude have been greatly exaggerated.
DSM-5 indicates paranoid schizophrenia, but that work is mired in controversy.
Mired.
I knew you'd escape! Were you carried out by a flock of falcons? I got a one-day pass.
Were falcons involved in any way? I obtained the pass to enter the Springfield Falconry Contest, which is what Freedom and I were training for when we first met you.
Oh, great.
Before anything else, let me just get closer to the door and say, "How crazy are you?" I'm fine.
My meds won't wear off till tonight.
Then I'll have Freedom tear you to shreds.
No offense, but when a crazy guy pretends to be crazy, it's not funny.
You're discounting all talk radio.
Excellent.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Fly, my pet, fly! Yes! (falcon cries) Yes, now back to Papa.
Yes.
Why am I not surprised the only sport you do is one where a bird brings you food? Um, a falcon's greatest joy is to serve its master.
(squawks) Fatso! Once again, I must point out that you are not a parrot.
Fatso, fatso! Pees in the shower! (squawks) Shut up.
What are you doing? We're up next.
When Freedom hits the air, you and I open all the cages.
Um with our minds? No.
With this rope.
I'm a messed-up kid.
I'm not Magneto.
ANNOUNCER: Diggs and Freedom.
(all squawking) "In his ecstasy.
Then off, off forth on swing!" Where's my bird going? Wherever he wants.
He's free now.
If you see the stork what brings us babies, kill it! Now, Bart, I'm afraid one-day passes don't last forever.
And I'm probably not going to get another one for quite a while.
Wait! Wh-When will I see you? You can't quit the falconry club! It's all yours, Mr.
President.
Well, I guess some delicate birds are safer in a cage.
I had thought of it as a therapeutic milieu, but now "cage" is stuck in my head, so thanks.
And thanks for being my friend.
Bart, when I pushed you away, I was really pushing away the thought of losing you.
How long did it take you to think that up? Two hours with the therapist.
I'll take that.
She came in on a Saturday.
Missed her kid's karate demonstration.
He was going up a belt.
Enough! Mom, you didn't cook the falcon? Of course not.
It's just duck.
Aw.
Aw.
(munching loudly) Pass the peas, please.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  The Man Who Grew Too Much
The Simpsons s25e13 Episode Script
The Man Who Grew Too Much
(whimpering) Heh.
NARRATOR: Neptune-- eighth planet from the sun.
A mystery now, we hope to have close-up photos from Voyager 2 in 1989.
We do have them! They're my home screen! Miss Hoover, once again, the lesson plan I prepared would have covered this topic much better.
But I can see (rumbling) (whimpers) Miss Hoover? It's Tuesday, Lisa.
Taco Tuesday.
(rumbling continues) (shudders) Huh? Huh? (bell rings) ALL: Taco Tuesday! Taco Tuesday! Taco Tuesday! (quietly chanting): Taco Tuesday, Taco Tuesday (rumbling) Oh, no.
I'm about to become another moppin' statistic.
There's only room for one of us, Ethel.
(music from Titanic playing) (kids laughing) (grunting, yelling) (grunting) (crunching) Bart, that's your sixth taco.
You know, Whitman says, "If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred.
" (mouth full): Fascinating.
Congratulations, boys.
You made it through another Taco Tuesday.
Back in the bucket till next week.
Won't those vegetables go bad? Nope.
They're genetically modified to stay fresh.
Just don't ask how old the Jell-O is.
LISA: Ew.
Overreactor.
org warns that over half of the vegetables sold in this country are genetically modified organisms whose effect on humans is unknown.
Whoa! Mom, you made me overswipe! Your parents' credit card has been charged $20.
(laughs) (gasps) I have to get to the church.
Helen Lovejoy is posting the spring volunteer sign-up sheet.
In five minutes, every good task will be taken.
(tires screech) Dang it! Jasper Beardley! You'll never make it! (low mumbling) (Marge murmuring, smacking lips) No! (low mumbling) (frustrated grunt) (revving engine) Ooh (groans) (low mumbling) (groans) (mumbling) Oh! JASPER: What the hell is this thing? (signal light clicking) Bake sale-- taken.
Candle snuffing-- taken.
Baby shusher, miscellaneous choir support.
Everything's taken! All that's left is Teen abstinence counseling.
You get to pass out abstinence pledges and make sure the kids sign their John Han-bleeps.
(Marge grumbles) But, Ned, saying nay is your thing.
Not this month.
(chuckles) Edna signed us up for a tango class.
It was the only way I could avert (sighs) wine-tasting.
Look, I'm really not comfortable talking about S-E-X with K-I-D-S.
Language.
Oh, it's not that hard.
Just tell them that God wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that God is making happen.
We took the pledge! We won't have sex until we're married! To each other! (both humming a tune) Mm, their skipping lessons are really paying off.
MARGE: Hello.
Hello.
(nervous laugh) I'm-I'm Marge Simpson, and I'm here to talk about a a-a wonderful, beautiful thing.
Speaking of beautiful things, tongue me, babe.
(both grunting) (gasps) How many of you are here for the free cookies? Because we've discontinued that.
(angry chatter) I'm out of here.
Forget you! One of our brightest and most meddlesome students called this meeting-- somehow-- to discuss an urgent menu matter.
Lisa? Our school cafeteria is serving GMOs-- genetically modified organisms.
(people gasping) Now, in order to thoroughly explore the issue, I'd like to play the first video that came up in my Web browser when I typed in "GMO" plus "danger" plus "question mark.
" Hear, hear! MALE NARRATOR: If there's one thing scientists love, it's money.
Money, money, money.
And that's been true of scientists ever since caveman times.
We need look no further back than the ancient Mayans, who crossbred plants and animals in an unholy experiment in what is now a resort that charges $30 a night to valet park.
Once you're there, they've gotcha.
(all gasp) The Mayans didn't listen to themselves.
Yet today, we toy with our fate by using retroviruses to create these so-called "super foods.
" Are we doomed to repeat an event (snaps fingers) that destroyed all human life? The answer is in your mouth! (narrator laughing maniacally) Um, that video seemed a little unscientific.
My name is Jenny McCarthy, and I endorse this tirade.
Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.
Everybody wait here while I do some actual research.
Nobody form any opinions while I'm gone.
Well, hurry, we have no minds of our own.
I say we do not categorically ban genetically modified organisms.
ALL (gasping): What?! Well, GMOs are resistant to pests, disease and drought.
It's just possible that GMOs can actually end world hunger.
I say, let's get these GMOs inside our children pronto! Way ahead of you! (people whooping, shouting) I'm eating the food of the future.
(robotically): Beep, boop.
What is love? Boop, beep, boop.
Lisa, I'd like to thank you for mollifying these land apes.
We'd like you and your family to visit us at the Monsarno research campus.
Ooh, campus! Do you have a statue of the founder I can stick a funny hat on? Go, go, go! (giggling) WOMAN: Simpsons, we're trying to change the world one molecule at a time.
Sounds like that would take a while.
Ooh, you're right.
Everyone, three molecules at a time.
(others grumbling) Oh, you got to be kidding me! (exasperated sigh) I'll be home late, honey.
Yeah.
Three molecules now.
Well, it's nice to see for once a corporation that does good work and cares about people.
Yes, Lisa, we finally put to bed the silly notion that our company is in any way evil.
Now, say hello to our chief scientist.
(door creaks) (all scream) SIMPSONS: Sideshow Bob! Dr.
Sideshow Bob.
Real doctor or PhD? PhD.
All right, I'll leave you and Bob in this locked room to get reacquainted.
(bolt clacks) Simpsons, there's no need for alarm.
That's not for you to suck! Now where was I? Right.
Uh, no need to worry.
I'm still technically shawshanking it at Springfield Penitentiary.
This is getting boring.
Either murder us or tell us how you got here.
Very well.
The inanity of the vanity license plate puns was slowly driving me mad.
So when Monsarno Labs asked for experimental subjects, I gladly volunteered.
My job was to make sure the experiments wouldn't be too painful for the test monkeys.
(zapping) (screaming) (flame whooshes) I don't know what we're doing here.
Uh, we'll pick it up after lunch.
(quiet chattering) (zapping) (Sideshow Bob screaming) I wrote up my results and went from subject to scientist.
BART (laughs): Look at me! I'm Sideshow Bob! (shrieks) Sideshow Bob! Foolish boy! That's phosphoric acid! A mere sip would have dissolved a hole in your stomach the size of a silver dollar.
Yakety, yakety, yak.
"The spotted hawk accuses me, he complains of my gab.
" "I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable.
" Walt Whitman.
Leaves of Grass.
Very good.
Lisa, you always were the one rose petal floating atop the cesspool that is the Simpsons.
HOMER: Well! BART: That's mean.
(clack, creaking) (giggles): Oh If you're done, our chief scientist has to get back to work.
Our corn on the cob has become self-aware.
Wait! Wait! Won't you visit me again? Let me show you I really am trying to make a better world.
Lisa, we can talk Walt Whitman.
And, Homer, I think you'd enjoy the company of the campus' lazy, overfed squirrels.
"Overfed"? I don't know this word.
(crickets chirping) (Marge chomping, grunting) Visit me, Lisa.
We can discuss poetry, fine art, and and if we must, jazz.
Mom, can I visit Sideshow Bob? Why would you want to do that? He's tried to kill us! You.
He tried to kill you.
And I refuse to concede a mind that thinks so much like mine can be all bad.
Don't you think the parts that aren't evil are a little, mm pretentious? Absolutely.
We're talking about Lisa, right? Shut up! You shut up! This is the pinnacle of conversation around here! Fine, I'll take you.
They have this cool psych class at the campus I sat in on.
(whispers): Uh, that was a sexual harassment seminar.
It doesn't matter-- I'm taking it pass-fail.
Blowing off steam in the crafts room, Marge? No! I'm not giving up on reaching those kids, and I might just have a secret weapon.
Mm-hmm.
Is it finger puppets? MARGE: Maybe! Well, we haven't had finger puppets in this church since Reverend Brogan was arrested.
But I suppose enough time has passed.
And that's why Nancy No is the most popular girl in Promiseville High.
Mm.
I prefer the modern thinking of Yolanda Yes.
And I think I'd have a shot with Mabel Maybe.
(laughter) I'm so tired of those kids sniggering.
MARGE: Uh-oh.
It's Horndog Hank.
Well, Nancy knows how to keep him away.
(material creaking) Darn it, they're stuck.
(Marge groans) (Marge sighs) Um, can I take one of those girl puppets home? I won't do nothin' to it.
MARGE: Oh! You say modified tomato I say modified tomahto I say engineered potato, you say engineered potahto Potato! Potahto! Tomato! Tomahto! BOTH: Let's splice some DNA! (laughs) (chuckles) That is my first non-evil laugh in years.
Bob, there's one thing I got to know.
Are you plotting revenge? I don't plot revenge anymore.
It's like love.
If it happens, it happens.
Now, how about those s'mores? (creak, whoosh) Dad! You already ate all the chocolate bars.
That's why I got to get the marshmallows down fast.
(crickets chirping) I like how they cut them down from 140 characters to a more manageable Oh, another seminar tomorrow.
I just wish I could connect with those teenagers, since it seems like we'll never have any.
(chuckling): Oh, Marge, teens can't control their urges.
It's why there's never been a teenage president.
Are you saying I'm wasting my time? No.
I'm saying you're wasting everyone's time.
But it's a church thing, so that's a given.
Oh.
Well, then maybe I need to give those kids a better example.
Good night! MARGE: Shut your eyes.
They're too bright.
HOMER: Sorry.
(birds singing) Kids, today, we have a very special guest-- my husband.
I brought Homer here to show that we can, and have, abstained for two whole days.
Two days? That's all? That means, three days ago, the two of you made the blob with two backs! Listen, you punks, if you can't handle the image of our naked bodies in the tender act of a-oo-ga, you should never have come to the basement of this holy place.
Ugh! He's touching her! They're practically doin' it here! Ugh! (sexy purring) (both moaning) I'll sign the pledge! Just get your fat heaving buttocks out of my head! Never! (tires squeak) All right, Bob, you've created 5,000 patents, so one hour of freedom.
But remember, your every move will be watched by these unarmed docents.
That block's gonna need its own ticket.
I have a family membership.
Well, if that's your kid, kiss it.
(groans) Mmm.
(makes loud kissing sound) (wheels squeaking) What next? Proto-Cubists? (with French accent): The Pointillists? Or the alleged art of Itchy and Scratchy? Ooh, ooh, I like the Impressionists.
The boy bands of the art world.
But for you, Lisa, I shall face the Renoir with sangfroid.
Warmer.
Calder.
Warmer.
Warmer.
Calder.
Calder.
Calder! That's using your $300,000 M.
F.
A.
To the Calder mobile! Ugh! Bob, you saved me! But how did you get the strength? Calder's work in this period was marked by heavy use of sheet metal painted to look deceptively airy.
Well put.
Thank you.
(laughs) Answer the question.
Well there is something I should have told you.
You see, it occurred to me that if I can genetically modify fruits and vegetables, why can't I modify me?! You've been changing your DNA?! Well, at first, just a peptide here and there.
Carrot for my presbyopia, Brahma bull for strength, and a touch of corn for highlights on my hair.
So how strong are you? (wind whipping) Figurines.
Get your porcelain figurines.
Now, how about those Impressionists? I but we sang Gershwin together! Well, rhapsody in boo-hoo.
Do you know why we came to the museum today? Well, I thought it was because it was Tote Bag Day.
Well, that was part of it, but the biggest part was that! Washington's backbone, Einstein's eyebrows.
Florence Nightingale's tenacity, though I'll have to clip around her moral fiber.
(gasps) You're going to take DNA from these historical figures and add it to your own! I shall be the wisest and strongest maniac ever to bring the blessings of dictatorship to the world! BART: Jig's up, Bob! Return the spear to the Homo erectus.
(laughing): Homo erectus? Where has that word been all my life? Now, Bart, I promised I wouldn't hurt you.
You did that for me? More for Mom, but yes.
But beware, I have DNA in me from Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, better known as zombie ant fungus! And we're scared of that because? What I am saying is, I could be tipped into a murderous rage by the slightest provocation.
Could you take a picture of me with my family? Mm-hmm.
Oh, would you take another for safety? Oh, I think my eyes were shut in that one.
(groaning) Now, can you take one with my husband's camera? They're all ugly because you're in them! Oh.
(children cry) Taste Praxiteles of Athens! (yelling) (moos) (panting) (phone rings) Uh, Chief, we got a report of a disturbance at the Met.
We got bigger problems, Lou.
Horny teens who should be out having bad sex, but instead somebody made them take an abstinence pledge, by the looks of it.
I don't get it.
There are taboos about premarital sex in the Middle East, and you don't see those people getting all violent.
(panting) (panting) You can't escape me! I've got grasshopper thighs and the sonar of a killer whale! (making whale sounds) (loud panting) (gasping) Uh, Bob, you can't kill us without a little singing, right? A little singing? If there's one thing he did not have to genetically enhance, it's his voice.
Non piu andrai, farfallone amoroso (tires screeching) How dare you torture my children with Mozart! Ah, you know Mozart? I call all music Mozart! We're here to stop you with the help of the teenage abstinence class! If you defeat this madman, I'll release you from your pledge and teach you other fun ways not to get pregnant.
I think I might be pregnant already.
Well, that's one of 'em.
(all grunting and yelling) (groaning) Python jaw unhinge! Aah! I don't want to die in some old dude's mouth! (sobbing) Bob, would you look at yourself?! (mumbles) To quote Whitman, "This is what you shall do: "love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, stand up for the stupid and crazy" (mumbles) Who am I kidding? My only exit is a final one.
What?! No! Farewell, Simpsons.
And, Lisa, when you're older, write an autobiographical novel trashing the rest of them.
How veiled? Thinly! (wind whipping, grunting) (chicken clucking sound) Now, don't worry.
Your friend will always be part of our drinking water.
(water gurgling) Oh, right, I gave myself gills.
(water gurgling) (groaning) (tango music playing) I told you, the only dancing I like is square.
Hey, I let you pay for those boys' skipping lessons.
Okay.
Ooh! Ned! Ha! Sure do miss that laugh.
Ha, ha! I miss her, too.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  The Winter of His Content
The Simpsons s25e14 Episode Script
The Winter of His Content
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (game buzzes) D'oh! (Bart laughs) (Homer screaming) (both giggling) MARGE: Whoa! HOMER: What the? (Homer laughs) Mmm, mail.
Oh, "urgent notice.
" Hmm.
If it's not final, who cares? (toy squeaks, siren whoops) DOLL: Donkey! HOMER (muffled): There you go.
(both moaning) (frustrated grunt) (glass shatters) (phone rings) (both giggling) If it's important, they'll call back.
(phone continues ringing) LISA: Mom! Dad! The retirement home lost its license and Grampa has nowhere to live! BOTH: D'oh! Oh! That man can't remember anything except our number! (sighs) Get in the car, Dad.
Look who's here, the big dummy! You do know I'm a doctor now.
Yeah! M.
D.
! Major Dummy! Grampa, what happened? This place is unlivable.
My contract clearly promised "barely livable.
" Yeah, well, we're closing down Codger Stadium here until they fix up their violations.
And there are a lot of 'em.
Mannequin nurses.
Like I said, lot of violations.
Oh! I guess Grampa's coming home with us.
Unless what about that nice dog boarding place? The really good one, where they each have their own dog partner.
No kennels! You're right.
Bad idea, bad idea.
Should we just, you know, drive by and take a look at the place? (groans) Bad idea.
Bad.
When are your relatives going to be here? Can I be honest with you? They're not.
We're all alone in this world.
All I have left is a phone message from my late wife.
Pick up the phone, big shot! I know you're there! You're both coming home with us.
You mean it? Mm-hmm.
Ah, just let me say good-bye to my girlfriend.
Don't get fat.
Honey, Grampa is the closest thing I have to a father, and I love him, but three octogenorous? Homie, Homie, we'll be old someday.
(laughs) Speak for yourself.
Glug-glug-glug.
Chomp-chomp-chomp.
(gasps) Beep (laughs) My lifestyle is my retirement plan.
Oh! And don't forget my ripple.
You're not taking your ripple.
Without ripple, I never would have had you.
Ripple's your real daddy.
(chuckles) This is gonna be a swell flophouse, sister.
So, where should we park our pills? What pills? Aah! (laughs) Don't worry, Marge.
It's childproof.
Oh, oh Homer, how are we doing with those cots? (grunts) Uh come on, boy.
Your job is to guide me.
Well, I really think you should watch your temper.
I mean down the stairs, you stupid kid! Stupid kid? Do you really think that's the way we should communicate? You just want to see your old man trip and fall.
Well, sorry to disappoint you, lad, but What the? D'oh! D'oh! Ooh! Not what I was hoping for, but it'll do.
(cackles) Okay, boys, shower up.
And I better hear some towels snapping.
Muntz, what is wrong with you? Now, you get undressed in front of everyone that's staring at you.
(all gasp) (gasps) Is that women's underwear? My mom can't afford to buy me clothes, so I wear her hand-me-downs.
(sobs) (children laughing) Muntz, there's a kind of poverty that toughens you up, but this is sad.
(children laughing) Hey, leave him alone.
I, too, know the pain of hand-me-down underwear.
My dad buys the underpants gorillas wear during monkey shows.
So if you're gonna laugh at Nelson, laugh at me, too.
Simpson, I won't forget this.
From now on, you and I are as tight as whiteys.
(all passing gas) (gasping and groaning) (electrical buzz) (groans) (electrical buzz) (gasps) (electrical buzz) (laughs) (yells) (screams) (groaning) (whimpers) (screams) (bell rings) (laughing) I've had it up to here with those freeloading wrinkle bags.
They pee all night, they cry all day, and every time they use Aah! Dad, did it ever occur to you that we're learning how to take care of you when you're older by watching the way you treat Grampa? Have you seen how he treats my grampa? Never visits him.
Never even acknowledges his existence.
Your grampa's alive? Oh, yeah.
Okay Well, can you please be nicer to our grampa? For me? I love Grampa.
You may not realize it, but he's a treasure.
GRAMPA: Keep it down in there, you jabbermouths! I'm trying to watch C-SPAN2.
Please? Okay.
(laughs) You know, I love him, too.
In a manly way.
That never shows itself.
Now, we're going to need three hearing aid batteries, all different and hard to get.
And this has to be in the fridge, next to the butter.
And the butter has to be open.
Oh, I'll see what I can do.
I can handle them from now on, Marge.
Gentlemen, I've been thinking.
My glorious youth and beauty won't last forever.
Someday, when the leaves have turned and the moon has broken apart into chunks of floating cheese, I will be old.
What's your point, pound cake? I'm hoping we can find a way to coexist.
What did he say? He wants to see if ghosts exist.
Ooh, they do.
My Uncle Bill is here right now.
Oh, Bill, Bill, I'm so sorry I wasn't a very good ladder holder.
That's all right.
Enough about that.
Did the clock ever get wound? This can only be good.
This family's had a lot of hoods put over their heads.
Uh, Chief, something about that looks fishy.
Aw, Lou, you got a suspicious mind, you know? You remind me of that Elvis song.
Uh, uh, "Clambake.
" You know, 'cause you open your yap when things get hot.
"Clambake.
" JIMBO: All right, take off his hood.
Where am I? Our secret place.
The empty swimming pool from the country club that closed down rather than let women in.
(coyote howls) Now, enter the stolen bicycle graveyard.
We've decided to make you an honorary bully.
Bestow upon him the necklace of unknown retainers.
Um thanks, but I'm not sure I want to be a bully.
It's too late.
You've seen our faces.
(long grunt) Wow, never had breakfast at 6:00 in the morning before.
I love yakking at the manager while he's trying to unlock the door.
Now we'll talk about dead people you never met while we get a little exercise.
(Homer sighs) When does the exercise start? This is it.
Yeah, we're mall-walking.
Oh, my God.
This counts as exercise? I'm barely moving and I'm smelling Cinnebun.
Sometimes you have to wait till you're 38 to discover who you really are.
I'm a 79-year-old man.
Son, welcome to the club.
Now, say something pathetic.
Uh, okay, um Oh, I can't.
That's my boy.
I-25.
What letter? "I.
" What number? What game? Bingo! Damn it! Who's the icebox pie, Abe? Your younger brother? My son-- but he's taken.
Well, I'm not surprised-- the way he tears into corn on the cob.
Now, Mildred, he's a married man.
You can't see the ring because his finger's too fat.
Join the party, Abe-- there's plenty of room in my bed once they take the railings down.
I said beat it! For the time being.
Now, Homer, you stay away from those red-door hoochies.
They're just trying to get a chicken dinner out of you.
Hmm.
Well, thanks for the chicken dinner.
How did you know I wanted one? (chuckles) All you gals like chicken dinners, Marge.
Don't call me a gal.
Makes me feel like I'm your mother.
(shivers) I better turn up the heat.
It's 82 degrees.
Huh? Are you wearing sock garters? Young lady, in my day Your day is my day! We're the same age! (gasps) You're turning into your father.
(Grampa-like sputtering) You won't feel so bollixed once my Social Security checks start coming! They're not coming for another 29 years.
(gasps) Did your ear lobes get longer? Falsies.
(owl hooting) (cell phone chimes) Whoa.
A tweet from Chester! Who's Chester? "Who's Chester"? Just the most legendary bully of all.
They say he once wedgied a kid in half.
Whoa.
He's calling a bully summit for next Saturday night.
Hey, isn't that the same night the U.
S.
figure skating finals are on? They've been promoting it like hell! Excuse us, we're looking for owls.
Screech or hoot? Either one's fine.
That was an order! (hooting) Screech! Screech! Where's the Lord of the Fries? Actually, Homer got up early to count and sort pills.
Then he called the police when a Frisbee landed on our lawn.
Then he went to the drugstore for an egg cream, but he only brought a nickel.
I didn't mind that he grew bald.
I didn't mind that he got fat.
I didn't mind that he got fatter.
But no one told me he'd get older than me.
Oh (sniffles) Say it, honey-- you're no longer attracted to him.
Maybe.
It's on tonight, and everyone who ever took anyone's lunch money is there.
DEEJAY (over speakers): All you boppers going to the park tonight, make sure you're not packin'.
We don't want any "accidents.
" BART: Ay, caramba.
How'd you babies get here? Did your mommy bring you? Yes.
WOMAN: Nelson! I might have to move the trailer house while you're gone.
Look for me downhill.
I ain't got much gas.
Smell you later.
Hey, my old weasels! How's Shelbyville Elementary? Not bad, not bad.
We've ruined picture day three years in a row.
(both grunt) CROWD (chanting): Chester! Chester! They say the day of the bully is over.
Popular music condemns us.
Documentary filmmakers expose our craft.
And cyber-bullying has taken away the warmth of human punching.
But I say to you, the day of the bully has just begun! Can you dig it?! Hey, why are you doing this? Because I don't want to sit around like Prince Charles waiting for the queen to die! Can you dig it?! (crowd cheering, shouting) NELSON: Ooh, I can totally dig it.
(grunts) Chester's been shot! (high-pitched scream) (panicked yelling) This kid did it! His sling is still warm! Get that boy! And his friend, the kid with the lady's underpants! How does everyone know? DEEJAY: To all you boppers out there, be on the lookout for a sling-daddy who took down our main man Chester.
This is KBLY, your source for bully news, weather and sports.
by money taken from nerds.
I can't believe you did that, Bart.
I don't even want to sit on the same side of this car with you.
I'm just doing it for balance.
I didn't shoot him! Oh, yeah? Well, why'd you bring your slingshot? I don't know.
I feel naked without it.
DOLPH: Yeah, I get that.
That's how I feel about my eyebrow ring.
The only way out is on the subway, past everyone else's territory.
We'll just have to wait it out here until we (all yelling) We're gonna have to jump for it! (grunts) No! I lost my flip-flop! Just keep moving! (flip-flop flapping) Oh.
Well, well, well.
Looks like youse and me may be up here for a while, huh? (fake yawn) (sighs): There.
Yippee! Aw, damn it! I just had to get her parkour lessons for her birthday.
You'll have to get past the S.
A.
T.
Preppers! I didn't say to begin.
(roaring gibberish) DEEJAY: Word on the street is that the S.
A.
T.
Preppers failed the test.
The Springfield bullies are still at large.
That's right, yeah, so, uh, give yourselves up.
Um, if I put on the radio, can I hear myself? (click, electronic feedback) (echoing over speakers): Wow.
That's crazy.
Whoo, whoo.
Hello, Lou.
I only have a-pennies.
Uno due (groans) (all gasp) For Springfield! (honking repeatedly) Save yourselves! Today we are all Nelson Muntz.
ALL (sadly): Haw, haw.
Springfield.
We're safe.
I'm gonna kiss the ground.
Loser! You're gay for the ground.
Well, you're gay for homophobia.
Wow.
You just made me gay for tolerance.
(bottles clinking) (singsongy): Bul-lies come out to play-ay Bul-lies come out to play-ay Oh, no! He's got three bottles! (singsongy): Clinky, clinky I know a place that serves an early early bird breakfast.
Steak and eggs for 50 cents, and it was 40 years ago.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
Ah Oh, my God! I know that kid! We got to help him.
Oh, I'd love to, but, uh, I'm sure that it's some sort of a holiday for me.
Fine! Your generation did its part when it won World War II and created The Rockford Files.
I got this one.
(groaning) It's so hard running in sand.
No! No! I can't be old yet.
I won't let the ravages of time catch up with me till I'm 52! (grunts) Ow! Ow! No! (panting) Um, I've never really been in a fight.
(sobbing) Now, let's go home, son.
How did I get here? (passionate kissing, moaning) Ooh, what's your hurry? We got ten minutes between the kids falling asleep and the old guys waking up.
(gasps) Go, go, go! GRAMPA: I hear smooching! Somewhere out on that horizon Out beyond the neon lights I know there must be something better But there's nowhere else in sight In the city Oh, oh.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  The War of Art
The Simpsons s25e15 Episode Script
The War of Art
(bird chirping) (groaning) Hm hmm?! "Lisa wants "a dot-dot-dot guinea pig"? Mm.
(humming happily) (curious grunt) (yells) (Homer smacking and chewing) (gulps, swallows) (curious grunt) Hey, Homer, did you know that guinea pigs are self-groomers? And when they get excited, they jump straight up.
It's called "popcorning.
" Lisa got to you.
I don't know how, but she got to you.
(phone buzzing) (chiming) Emojis.
Now she's gone too far.
Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about all this hinting.
(groans) I've never had a pet of my very own.
My clock is ticking.
I don't want to be one of those girls who waits till she's 16 to decide if she's ready, and then it's too late.
(both grunt) Well, we've talked about it.
And if you really want a guinea pig, you'll have to sign this contract.
"I, Lisa Simpson, hereby promise to take full responsibility for this dog, cat, other.
" Circle "other.
" "This includes feeding, bathing, "cleaning of droppings and barfings, and when the time comes, burying or flushing.
" Boilerplate, boilerplate, boilerplate.
We can skip all this litter box stuff.
"If pet becomes Internet superstar, all rights revert to father.
" Sign here, here, initial here, one more over here.
And done.
Oh, my God! I'm getting a guinea pig! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! The kid-parent contract.
Unenforceable, yet you feel like you didn't completely cave.
You're doing the right thing adopting a rescue pig.
You know, most of these guys are rejects from the big guinea-pig mills in the Midwest.
Oh, I can't tell you how many mill pigs we get in here who have bumblefoot or the slobbers.
You don't have children, do you? This one whistled at me! Ooh, that could be the one.
Oh, but that orange guy looks like a pumpkin.
(gasps) But this fellow is so fuzzy! Well, they all have their charms.
This one's nibbling a sunflower seed.
Look at that hair.
Aw, I just want to comb it forever! Have you seen a pinker nose? (gasps) I have now! Lisa, you've just got to choose one.
Lisa? She's gone, honey.
She's gone.
That one's fur looks like a tuxedo! A Band-Aid on its tail, aw! (gasps) Albino! I'm definitely getting this one.
Oh, but I forgot about this one.
Oh, my God, I never even saw this one! (gasps) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh Maybe I should get that sick one.
If I don't, no one else will.
(gasps) Bart, list your top five, best to worst.
No, no, no, no! Worst to best.
I just wish the gray one had the brown one's personality.
Okay, Dad, give me your phone.
I need to look at the pictures again.
Aw, aw, aw! Aw, aw! Okay, this is the guinea pig that will make me happy.
She thinks she's decided.
Don't say a thing.
Don't blow this.
Okay, now, you sure you only want just one? They tend to do better in pairs.
(gasps) I could get two? (engine revs, tires screech) HOMER: Farting tweakers rule! I've tried to give Pokey a perfect replica of his natural habitat.
Peruvian feather grass, an Incan sleeping mat, and a portrait of Marisol Espinoza, the Vice President of Peru.
Are you sure you didn't create a perfect habitat for you? I wish I could live in there.
Well, there's plenty of room because Pokey's gone.
(Lisa gasps) Where'd he go? (squeaking) This looks like a job for fireplace tongs.
(tongs clang, Pokey squeaks) No! (Pokey squeaking) Oh, my God! He's in the walls! I hear chewing.
No, that's a much bigger animal.
(grunts) Kettle corn.
The heroin of the farmers' market.
I've lost my guinea pig! (squeaking, tapping nearby) Pokey! Our boat painting! I'm sorry, Mom.
(groans) That's okay, sweetheart.
Your pig thingy didn't mean it.
It's just, it felt comforting to know that while we watched TV, there was art going on behind us.
(moans) Oh, well, I guess we have to go to an art gallery and buy a new painting.
Sure, we could go to a fancy gallery and spend a bunch of money, or Mm hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm? Yeah, Milhouse played the violin for years until it turned out the vibrations were screwing up his bones.
Yeah, these seem great.
(sniffs) Oh, too bad someone used cello rosin.
(groaning in frustration) (gasping in awe) Oh, my gosh, that's beautiful! I've never seen a painting with a lighthouse before.
(Luann laughs) Oh, that.
That was on the wall of Kirk's bachelor pad, back when we were (whispers): separated.
Yeah, it's a great piece.
I didn't have a mirror, so I shaved in the reflection of the chrome frame.
This could be our new living room painting.
I don't know.
How about this poster of a really rocking jukebox? You know it's rocking 'cause music notes are coming out of it.
Painting's only 20 bucks.
Oh, please, Homie? I'll throw in the tiny violins.
(Homer humming classical melody) Oh, it looks great! Well to me, it looks like garbage salad.
But that's the great thing about art.
Everyone can have their own opinion about why it sucks.
I've got to get rid of this ugly chrome frame from Kirk's bachelor bad.
I hate to think of the things this mirror has reflected.
Hmm! Hey, look.
There's a signature that the frame covered up.
"Johan Oldenveldt.
" Here he is! "Johan Oldenveldt, painter.
"Lived in Amsterdam, Paris.
Prolific early 20th century naturalist.
" Ooh, I think this was painted by someone famous.
Maybe it's valuable.
We should have it appraised.
Pfft! You guys are crazy.
I never even heard of that guy.
It's not like it was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci Code.
Now, here's what makes art valuable-- One: nudity, two: holograms, three: something terrible happening to Jesus.
Ah yes, seascape, marvelous natural light, classic use of gouache.
You're right.
This is an early-career Oldenveldt.
Quite valuable.
Oh, my God! I expect it to go somewhere between 80 to $100,000.
(gasps) Nobody touch it! Bart, stop looking at it! But I want to see it! No, you'll wear it out! Baby, you saw something in this painting, and you were right.
Wow, the Van Houtens owned this for years, and never knew how much it was worth.
Think how happy they'll be when we sell it and split the money with them.
Split it? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa! (cell phone ringing) HOMER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Split it with them? Kirk and Luann didn't know what the painting was worth when they sold it.
Yes, they sold it to us.
So, now it's our painting.
We can hang it on our wall, cut eyeholes in it to spy on people.
Or sell it for lots of money which we keep.
For ourselves? This dude gets it.
(groans) But the Van Houtens are our friends.
Are they, Marge? If you think about it, aren't they really just the parents of a kid who happens to hang out with our kid? All our friends are like that.
Well, how would you feel if we sold them something that turned out to be valuable? I would feel A) Happy for their good fortune, B) Proud to know rich people, and C) Grateful for an opportunity to learn from a mistake.
(door bell chimes) MARGE: How about this? What if we give the Van Houtens Then they'll just be mad about the 65% that we're keeping.
Marge, you like kindness, right? Sure.
So, even if we gave Kirk and Luann some of the money, the knowledge of what they could have had will eat away at them, like piranhas devouring a wounded yeti.
It's kinder never to tell them.
Okay, I see your point.
We should sell the painting, keep all the money, and never, ever tell the Van Houtens.
Mm-hmm! (deep inhale) (gasping) (deep inhale) (Marge and Homer gasping) What'll it take to buy your silence? Hmm.
Okay, Milhouse, the guys in back are shining up your new bike.
And all I have to do is not say anything about some painting to my Mom and Dad? Oh, sweetie, you want your parents to be happy, don't you? I guess.
(laughing): "I guess"! You're funny! No wonder Lisa's in love with you.
She is?! She is?! So, if I keep my mouth shut, you get me new wheelie sneakers, and Bart agrees to promote and encourage use of my new cool nickname, "C.
J.
" (Homer grunts) You got it, Ceej.
(doorbell rings) You found out that painting was worth big bucks, and you weren't gonna tell us?! I don't know what you're talking about.
(loud whisper): Hide the treasure! I'm sorry, Mr.
S.
I cracked! We had a deal.
And now we've got nothing! (blows) We considered you our friends.
We trusted you! I let Homer use our master bathroom! Then you stab us in the back! If you knew you sold a valuable painting for nothing, how could you live with yourselves? We were just trying to be kind.
Kind?! You call it kind to give us nothing? We were gonna treat you to dinner at an upscale chain restaurant and never explain why, but now forget it! Oh, so that's how it is! That's exactly how it is.
Oh, is it?! Oh, it is! (clears throat) Luann, I hope we're still on Thursday for collecting used cell phones for the troops.
I don't think you need any help.
You're so good at collecting.
Oh! Oh, that was cold, Luann! So cold! Brr! Sarcastic brr! See what happens when we get greedy? Honey, there's something I want to show you.
An ATM receipt? I don't know whose this is.
I found it next to the cash machine, and I've always kept it.
Look at the balance.
Five figures! With that painting, we could have what these people have: a money cushion.
No more living paycheck to paycheck, one lost retainer away from the gutter.
I could write a check with today's date on it.
That's the cushion.
Tonight, a special report.
Fat cat art experts take advantage of John and Jane Yard Sale.
So, would you characterize your friend of many years cheating you out of your painting as no big deal, or a devastating betrayal? Oh, definitely betrayal, Kent.
Interesting.
So if you see the Simpsons walking down your street, lock your doors and hide your friendship.
Great! Now we're raccoons, the masked bandits of the animal world! Don't worry.
No one's gonna see this stupid show.
(Marge and Homer gasp, tires squeal) (gasps) The whole town's turned against us! (engine revs, tires squeal) Ooh, a support rock! This one's against us.
This one's for us.
For, for, against, for, against We don't even get this many Christmas cards.
(all clamoring) (all gasp) There they are, the Masterpiece Thievers! Ah, shut your bone hole! That painting belongs to the Simpsons! Sharing is what makes a community strong! All sales are final! Keep it! (clamoring) Finders keepers, moron! You really think we're still doing the right thing? Just close your eyes and think of the cushion.
First lot: "Untitled Landscape" by Johan Oldenveldt, from the Collection of Homer J.
and Marge B.
Simpson.
Let's open the bidding at $80,000.
The paddles, Marge! Look at the paddles! WOMAN: Stop the auction! That painting belongs to me! (crowd gasps, murmurs) Dawn? Good to see you again, Beef Kirky.
Who is this woman? Uhhhhhh While you two were separated, Kirk and used to be friends with banana-fits.
(Homer groans) You told me you didn't see anyone during our separation.
Uhhhhhh Madam, are you saying this painting belongs to you? Kirk stole it from me! But I didn't know it was valuable till I saw the story on TV.
What?! I bought that painting! She's lying! (gavel raps) The auction is on hold until we can determine the true ownership.
Our cushion! Don't bother coming home, Kirk! Aw! See what your greed has done? Ow! Anybody want to give me a ride home? Going once? Going twice? (bangs gavel) Sold! To the lonely auctioneer! Ah! (cheering, laughter) Thanks for taking me in, man.
I guess I can't help but feel fully responsible.
Oh, Luann, I'll never gaze from my thick eyeglasses into your thick eyeglasses ever again.
What you need, my friend, is a Canadian Duff.
Beauty, eh? So why does that chick think she owns the painting? Oh, Dawn and I went on a vacation to a resort island called Isla Verde.
I bought the painting in a cafÃ©, but that night she ran off with a parasailing instructor.
Not your fault, man.
Those parasailing guys take whatever they want.
It was never her painting.
That woman will say anything to keep herself in electric cigarettes.
And I'd go back to that CafÃ© Artiste to prove it, but nothing's gonna get me Luann back.
(snoring) Okay, all I gotta do is take a quick ferry to Isla Verde, find CafÃ© Artiste, and they'll back up Kirk's story.
That will prove the painting was his-- and now ours.
Oh, Homer Simpson, that painting has torn the town apart, destroyed Kirk and Luann's marriage, and everyone's very worried about Milhouse.
He's been playing Dancing Revolution for hours, but the TV is off.
But our cushion! That picture has brought out the worst in everyone! Please! Just let it go! (grunting) You're not gonna let it go, are you? I wish I knew how.
This is so exciting! My first time establishing provenance! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just remember, if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting.
That's a terrible thing for a father to do.
That's why she'll believe it.
Hmm, this quaint artist community has gotten a little touristy.
Excuse me.
We're trying to find CafÃ© Artiste.
Ah, yes.
Top of the hill.
Three discos up, four gelatos on the left.
You can't miss it.
It's right between the disco and the gelato place.
Mmm.
Hmm.
Mm-mm! (door bell jingles) Mm Welcome to CafÃ© Artiste! Would you like a glass of Strupo? It's a liqueur made of fermented capers, the official drink of the island.
Mmm! Sounds delicious.
It's not.
Hey, a friend of mine, uh, bought a painting here.
Oh, yes, I remember that painting.
And that is the man I sold it to.
And that man sold it to me! That proves the painting is mine! And nothing can stop me from selling it and keeping all the money! I love art! MAN: Art? What do you know about art? You don't even know who painted that picture.
Yes, I do.
It's a Johan Oldenveldt.
Wrong! It's a me! A what? I painted it! Me, Klaus Ziegler! Who? Mm! Oh! This is where I painted your so-called Oldenveldt.
Prove it.
Aw, crap! You're a forger? "Forger" is such a cruel word.
I'm an art forger.
Your painting was an early, clumsy effort which I gave to the cafÃ© owner to pay off my Strupo tab.
Whew! Then why did the auction house say it was real? I have fooled galleries around the world with my loving imitations.
Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! What you do is horrible ripping off geniuses who spent years perfecting their styles.
Perhaps you are the one who is horrible.
What?! You only cared about that painting when you thought it was created by someone famous.
Well, no, but now when I look at it, all I see is a fraud.
Beauty is beauty.
My forgeries give pleasure to people all over the world.
The only real question to ask about art, whether it's in the Louvre or on a freshman's wall at Cal State Fullerton is, "Did it move you?" But, you still, I mean Oh, I suppose you're right.
What if I never liked the painting and only wanted it for money? Then you, I respect.
(groans) Oh, great.
The painting is worthless, (glass shatters) this was all for nothing, and when Marge finds out, she's gonna kill me.
Well, on that front, perhaps I can be of assistance.
If there's one thing art is good for, it's to melt the frost which often hardens a woman's heart.
While you're at it could you make me a couple more? I'll pay you in Strupo.
(sighs) Perfect.
Oh, now that's art.
(grunts) Rocking.
ZIEGLER: The Gray Troll, Brine of Madness, Angel's Urine, all names for the mysterious elixir known as Strupo.
Though this fermented caper solution was originally used to dissolve seagull corpses, local alcoholics soon found Strupo to be a palatable drink of last resort.
The noxious liqueur causes powerful olfactory hallucinations, gender confusion, and wandering mouth.
So if you visit Isla Verde, be sure to say "ahoy" to the crushing addiction of Strupo.
Strupo: lose everything.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee
The Simpsons s25e16 Episode Script
You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee
(panting) D'oh! (tires screech) (grunts) (bull bellows) (all panting) (bellows) (snorts) Children, you're in for a treat.
Today's assembly is devoted to a special kind of history.
(kids booing) Living history.
(kids booing louder) End this madness! We have two guests who have come from Springfield! We come from Springfield! Illinois! 1858.
Please welcome, here to debate the important issues of the day, Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln! I appear before you today for the purpose of discussing the leading political topics which now agitate the public mind.
(kids booing) Hit the dirt, squirt! Well, it seems the, uh the good landowners of Springfield Elementary are rejecting Mr.
Douglas's position on tariffs.
Get a room! I shared beds with men all the time.
(chuckles): It was a common practice.
Ooh, common practice.
(kids laugh, Milhouse gasps) Please, good people! These are times of powerful passion.
(grunting) Why are you concussing yourself? Why are you concussing yourself? Now, fellow countrymen, a house divided against itself Ow! Guess what, I also play Frankenstein! (growls) (kids screaming) Douglas is getting away! Skinner! I have seven other principals, and I've never yelled their names, not even once.
You know what these kids lack? Well, certainly not a caring superintendent.
(chuckles): Well, I, uh (clears throat) Respect.
That's what these kids lack.
So we will hold a contest to make them tell us who they respect-- who their heroes are.
A contest? But, sir, we don't have any money to pay for prizes.
We had to rent out our multipurpose room to a Japanese-American social club.
(pachinko machines ringing) Tanpatsu! The answer is simple, Seymour: get a corporate sponsor.
But don't worry, you won't have to compromise yourself.
So, from now on, our cafeteria will only serve delicious Stuffwich's heroes, hoagies and torpedoes.
What about po' boys? Sorry, Nelson.
Poor boys such as yourself will go hungry.
Now please welcome the star of Stuffwich's ads-- who lost 400 pounds eating only Stuffwich subs-- Ezra! Tell us your hero, and you could win a Stuffwich college scholarship.
(kids exclaim) Then you can be a hero like me.
What makes you a hero? I don't eat as much as I did! NELSON: So the chained-up dude cuts off his own foot to save his family from Jigsaw! (voice breaking): My hero is my mom's boyfriend who took me to that movie when I was three.
I call him Uncle Rob because he robbed us! (sobbing) (giggles) Madame Curie, we just might have this one in the bag.
(Ralph giggles) (laughs) My hero-- or should I say heroine-- dazzled the early 20th century with her scientific discoveries (gasps) Okay, calm down.
Maybe he's talking about Margaret Mead.
in the field of radioactivity! (gasps) I give you Madame Marie Sklodowska-Curie! ("La Marseillaise" playing) (gasps) No! No, no, no, no! (sobbing) Martin took my topic.
What do I do? Oh, just make a speech about Dad.
Everyone does that.
Everyone does that with good dads.
But with our Dad, it's like climbing Mount Everest.
You either plant your flag at the top of the world or get frozen in agony forever.
Either way, hell of a show.
(music plays, kids cheering) People, please! Martin has left the building.
He had an orthodontist appointment.
(groans) Okay, Dad's my hero.
Why is he my hero? We can be heroes Just for one day We can be heroes (grunts) Marge, it happened again! SKINNER (over P.
A.
): Lisa? Lisa Simpson? You have ten seconds to get to the podium.
I'm allowed to eat these! Our final contestant is Lisa Simpson, who was last seen leaving in tears.
Near tears.
But not in them? No.
My hero isn't famous (scoffs) Loser.
isn't rich Pathetic.
and isn't in any history books.
He makes me sick.
He's my dad.
What?! He worked two jobs to get me a pony, he started me playing the saxophone you all love (murmuring dubiously) and anyone can put a Band-Aid on, but my Dad knows how to take it off so it doesn't hurt.
Well, ah.
Oh.
The trick is: wait several weeks.
And when my Dad was a soccer referee, he had the guts to red card me, his only talking daughter, because he knew I was diving.
In the history of soccer, he is the only parent to ever take sides against his own kid, and he was right.
He made me a better person, because that's what heroes do.
That's what heroes do.
(microphone feedback squeals) (crowd cheering) I'm so glad I was forced to come.
People, people we have a tie! (clamoring) Yes, which means that nobody wins.
The money goes back in the school general fund.
But we will put both speeches online.
Behind a paywall.
Now, please fold up your chairs and stack them.
Cause I'm a grade school hero Lisa never lies I'm a grade school hero And heroes never die Just one guitar! Slung way down low! Yeah, one guitar! Where did my lawnmower go? Well, look who's back.
Hmm.
Hey, Dad.
Lisa, your speech was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me.
When did you come up with the idea? You must've worked on it for days.
Oh, Dad, you don't want the details.
No one wants to see the sausage being made.
There's sausage being made?! Where?! Homie, there's someone here to see you.
Coming! I haven't forgotten about the sausage.
Mr.
Simpson, I am the executive vice president of the World Football Federation.
Ooh! What you Americans call "soccer.
" D'oh! I'm sure you are familiar with the World Cup, the quadrennial drama unmatched on the planet! Oh, yeah.
That's the thing the guys at the dry cleaners get so excited about every four years.
I'm afraid there has been an epidemic of referees being bribed to throw games.
From the premier leagues to the playgrounds, all has been tainted.
We need a symbol of integrity like yourself.
Of course I am, but how do you know? Oh, your daughter's speech went viral.
(shrieks) No, no, I mean it spread like wildfire.
Much better.
Mr.
Simpson, please help us.
The rot is everywhere.
In fact, I see that I myself am about to be arrested for corruption.
You will have to take it from here, Peter.
Yes, I will take good care of your wife.
Wait, what-what does that mean? Mr.
Simpson, I am the new executive vice president of the WFF.
We need outsiders like you to come to the World Cup, as our guest, and ref our games properly.
Well, no one has ever questioned my professionalism.
Except at my profession.
(groans) What do you think, sweetie? Dad, they're offering us an all-expenses-paid trip to the greatest sporting event on Earth! The 2008 Super Bowl? Oh, I wish.
Eli Manning's pass to David Tyree.
But about the World Cup, I need your answer now.
Oh, sure, why not? "Congratulations on your purchase of a FootMaster-brand soccer ball.
" Thanks, book! Look, you got us a free trip.
Just slack off and cash your check like you always do.
I believe the sweet little girl in 21-D would disagree with you.
What the?! I switched with her, Dad.
My TV didn't work! Now I can watch my premium HBO! (groans) (humming) Well, look at you, using approved electronic devices.
To try to avoid any misunderstandings in Brazil like we had the last time, I'm learning the language.
COMPUTER: OlÃ¡.
OlÃ¡! O que Ã© um paÃ­s encantador.
PILOT: Will you please turn that off? It's annoying the hell out of the flight crew.
I was just trying to learn the Everyone thinks they can learn our language on the plane.
Do you know how disrespectful that is? (groans) All right, just for that attitude, turbulence.
(plane rattling) (fanfare plays) ANNOUNCER 1: Live from Sao Paulo, we bring you the World Cup Round Robin Group F Opening-Round Match! Today's game is between our host country, football powerhouse Brazil CROWD: OlÃ©, olÃ©-olÃ©-olÃ©.
and Luxemburg, whose entire nation has turned up.
(wind whistling) Got to hurry.
I've got 998 square miles to rob! Ha-ha! The mighty Brazilian squad features the greatest master of the fake injury soccer has ever known: El Divo! (screams) (crowd gasps, cheers) Now let's play human foosball! (whistle blows) ANNOUNCER 2: And with Brazil maintaining an insurmountable one-goal lead, with 28 minutes to play, let's take a look at the refs.
It says here, "Homer Simpson was recruited for his honesty and utter disinterest.
" ANNOUNCER 2: How did he get those shorts on over that arse? ANNOUNCER 1: Rumor has it, they employed a team of pullers.
(whistle blows, crowd cheers) Brazil wins it! And a fairly-called match it was.
In choosing Homer Simpson, the World Cup has met its goal! Andres Cantor, you know that is incorrect usage.
I have no control! This job has taken its toll! Eu gostaria de um Hang on, hang on.
placa de Hang on, hang on.
Here you go, honey.
How'd you eat the meat without the vegetables? Well, the stomach wants what it wants.
(burps) Oh, I need some air.
Ah, Brazil.
I couldn't stay afraid of you forever.
The only thing that keeps me from living here is that fish that swims up your pee stream.
That is a deal breaker.
Homer Simpson! I would like to congratulate you on your fine officiating today.
Thanks.
I still can't believe the yellow and red cards don't stand for mustard and ketchup.
Your disbelief will fade with time.
But now, I would like to know if you are as incorruptÃ­vel as they say.
(heavenly music plays) Oh, that is where I left my cell phone.
Well? You don't know the new me of the last few days at all! We will get to him.
We have our ways.
Well, what other ways besides guns and money? We have two ways.
Two very good ways.
Samba! Red card! Let me give that back to you.
Get out of here! (crowd cheering) ANNOUNCER 1: And as Homer officiates, looks like we've got a little action on the bribe cam.
(crowd cheering) Man, Krusty should get some of these letters.
(groans) While you were out, the gamblers sent up gold-frosted donuts, a chocolate bowling ball and a fresh pork sandwich.
Oh.
How fresh? (pig squeals) Oh! Where's your mother? Went to practice her Portuguese.
Mm "Selecionar conta" Ooh, ooh, "select account.
" Uh, perhaps you could select the English option? I did not pay $7.
99 for an app so I could use the English option.
You Americans, you really throw your $7.
99s around.
You know, you're pretty rude.
(chuckles) Stupid lady.
Give the donuts to the hotel staff.
Release the pig and the bowling ball into the wild.
Dad, is it hard for you to turn these bribes down? Yes.
But knowing that Lisa chose me as her hero, without ever considering any other hero, keeps me strong.
Why so quiet? I'm just examining what kind of person I am and whether I should destroy your happiness forever.
Eh, why not? I'm listening.
And it better be devastating.
You weren't Lisa's hero.
She just swapped you in at the last minute because someone else did her real hero.
Oh, my God.
That's that's shattering.
And now I'm a man in pain in the naughtiest city since San Francisco turned all nerdy.
(groans) Where are you going? To drink until there's no pain left in my soul.
But first I'm gonna eat off someone else's room service tray that was left in the hall.
Now that's a broken man.
Hmm.
What the hell are you doing? It's okay.
I'm an American.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
So, the rumors are true.
We knew you'd find out your daughter's original speech topic was Marie Curie.
And now we need you to fix the greatest game of all: the World Cup Final.
Fine.
Marge is always complaining I never fix things.
Give me another.
All right.
But we've run out of sugarcane.
I carry my own.
All right, Homer.
To begin your descent into hell, let us enjoy this pirated copy of Man of Steel.
But beware: Superman was never less fun.
(laughs evilly) ANNOUNCER 2: Here it is, the World Cup Final! DRY CLEANER GUYS: Yay! ANNOUNCER 2: Will it be a German Blitzkrieg or a Brazilian waxing? Nazis! Nazi harborers! Guys, you're both right.
All right, just so there are no misunderstandings, you make sure Brazil wins, and we give you one million dollars.
If I bet it, I could double it.
But on who? You know that Brazil is going to win.
Oh, thanks for telling me! I was gonna tape it.
Remember, I'll be watching.
Wave a Brazilian flag so you stand out in the crowd.
Don't do it, Dad.
Don't cheat.
You're a funny one to tell me about deception.
I'm sorry you weren't my first choice.
In fact (sighs) I had my doubts about using you at all.
Well, if we're gonna be brutally honest, that drawing you made of me when you were three was far from a perfect likeness.
You put it on the fridge! It was pity-fridged! All right, you're hurt.
I understand.
But when I made you my hero, you lived up to it and more.
You became the hero I thought you could be, Dad.
Oh.
Oh, come here.
Everything's right with the world.
Except that you're about to double-cross some gangsters.
That's all right, brain.
If I die, I'll be doing the thing I love the most: trying not to get killed.
ANNOUNCER 2: This match is tighter than two dogs on a summer morn.
There's no score at all.
Even the slightest pebble could start a landslide.
ANNOUNCER 1: And El Divo goes down! In the box! Will Homer award a penalty kick to Brazil? Do it.
Do it! Call the penalty! No penalty! He dove, Dad! (grunts) No penalty! (crowd booing) I repeat, no penalty! No penalty.
ANNOUNCER 1: The game, plus two hours of funeral time, is about to conclude.
And with Germany the victor, two-nil, in an unprecedented display of rectitude and stubbornness by one Homer Simpson.
I've never seen the Brazilians so depressed.
(sadly): OlÃ© OlÃ©, olÃ©, olÃ© You broke a deal with us.
And we have lost a fortune! (gasps) Well, at least I'll die the American way.
In a foreign country wearing short pants.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! I want to say something! You have one minute.
Wait! Let it get to the 12.
N now.
Um (speaking Portuguese) How's she doing that? I don't know, but she's my new hero.
Yeah, I was a little surprised I wasn't considered before.
Ah, your fluency is impressive.
You can help my son learn Hebrew for his bar mitzvah.
But I'm still killing your husband.
First, mazel tov.
Second, don't! Please, please! I'm a mother.
Surely you have a mother, too.
I do have a mother.
Oh, she's right there.
I'm sorry, my son.
We owe a debt to the Simpsons that can never be repaid.
All that she did was switch seats on a plane.
On a 15-hour flight! You are free to go.
(dirge playing) No penalty.
Fine.
(birds squawking) Wow, the Amazon is just like I pictured it after seeing all those pictures online.
I've never seen anything so beautiful.
(chainsaw buzzing) The best thing is I can get locally- sourced monkey meat.
(hooting) (shrieks) Okay, Teeny.
Take care of part two.
(gun cocks) (hooting, grunting) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Luca$
The Simpsons s25e17 Episode Script
Luca$
(crow squawks) (The Simpsons' theme playing in 8-bit audio) (crackling) Yeah, how ya doin'? (explosion thunders) (snoring loudly) (tires screech, horn honks) H-Hey, what? Oh! Oh, cleats! (sighs) Homie, what happened? Uh maybe some easy-listening music will make you feel better about the story.
Turn on 89.
9.
(Marge grumbles) (easy listening music playing) Like most of my problems, it all started at Moe's CARL: All right, so the rules are every time the news guy says "senator," we got to take a drink.
Huh.
It'll be nice to let someone else decide when I drink-- too much pressure.
(new theme playing) (quietly): Uh, yeah, Channel Six tip line? I just caught two senators doin' it in the alley.
And me? I'm just a reliable source.
Not "sauce," "source.
" Source! S-A-U-R-C-E! We have heard from a very reliable sauce news involving multiple senators.
I'm going to read a list of senators, with possibly more senators to be named later by other senators: Senator Abercrombie, Senator Billingsley, Senator Beaumont (snickers) Hmm? Oh, damn, the plaster's flaking again.
HOMER: Once intoxicated, we had a great idea.
Hey! Swings! (laughing): I'm a kid again! (laughing) Oh gah I'll save you! (grunts) (grunting) Oh, the only way out is in! Hey, look at me! I'm going up a slide! BOTH (chanting): Homer! Homer! Best recess ever! (shouts) (clang) Whoa.
(gasps) Help me, guys! Guys? (grunting) Don't worry, Homer, I'll call the cops! I'll write my senator.
Senator! Senator! Oh, am I gonna die on a playground, like some uncoordinated child? But I did learn something from all this: the sprinklers in this park come on at 3:00 a.
m.
Hey, thanks for throwing the ball back.
Really.
(sighs) I'll come back with the fire truck.
I just have to get the kids to school first.
Oh, are the kids with you? LISA: Hi, Dad.
BART: Homer.
Hey, guys! Why are you ducked-down like that? BART: Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom.
LISA: At least we hope it's bottom.
Don't worry, it's bottom, all right.
(grunts) (Marge groans) BART: And that's why I was tardy today.
And with that tardiness, you have at last crossed the boundary where I can legally apply physical discipline.
Willie, cut me a switch! What about the one your ma used on you? It, uh, broke on my buttocks.
Serves you right for eating jam straight out of the jar.
Damn it! That's not even a swivel chair.
Skate, skate as fast as you can.
But I'll catch you-- I'm the Principal Man! That's the kind of education you're missing.
(car backfiring) Oh, no.
Uphill.
The one place my car can't go.
(gears grinding) (steam hissing) Uh, would you like a quote? Uh, yes.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
" Oscar Wilde.
Uh, P.
S.
Your car is totaled.
Whew! Safe.
JAILBIRD: Oh, not totally.
Whoa! What-what are you doing in here? Hiding from the cops.
Well, I can't have cops sniffing around here.
Some of them might be girls.
Can't I just stay a little? I only committed this robbery to help my kid.
See, this is Jeremy.
I need to get him braces.
I always thought that if I'd had braces, I'd have smiled more.
Hey, I bet you have a great smile.
Huh? Ay, caramba! Bart, Bart, we're in whatchamacallit a pursuit! So why'd you come here? I run a respectable tree house.
Just wondering if you've seen anything.
Uh, word is you'll, uh you'll snitch for candy.
You can't buy me with a candy bar that has coconut.
Then maybe this is more your neighborhood.
Nice real estate.
You got a deal.
So, what do you know? I saw a guy with a gun and a snake tattoo say he was gonna hide out on top of Mount Springfield.
Mount Springfield, eh? Strap on your crampons, boys! Eddie! Prepare my litter! Lou, you are responsible for my oxygen, food, water and cleaning! You have to clean me.
I clean you.
Yeah.
Dude, thank you.
Why did you save me? We outlaws have to stick together.
Outlaw? You? Stolen bowling shoes, and this "cage" for my pet.
Oh.
What do you feed him? My A.
D.
D.
meds.
(trilling) (chuckles) Um, listen, would you like two tickets to the school musical? My son plays the butcher.
In Fiddler on the Roof.
I'm busy that night.
Yeah, lucky you.
(indistinct chatter) (grunting) Huh? (gagging) (gasps) Are you okay? Don't put more in there! (choking): Going for the record.
(choking) What record? Stupidest death? Aah! (grunting) Blagh! Merci beaucoup! Oh, well, you're very wel That's French for "hello.
" Actually, I think it Lucas Bortner, competitive eater.
A fat kid with a dream? I can't compete with that.
What does a competitive eater eat? All the glamour foods: pizza, boiled eggs, chicken wings and the big enchilada, which is not enchiladas but hot dogs.
is the current record.
As the great Kobayashi says, "Detekurutoki itaiyo.
" What does that mean? "That's gonna hurt coming out.
" Is Kobayashi the number one, um, uh The correct term is "gurgitator.
" I won't be using the correct term then.
Virtually everyone uses his technique: Japanesing.
Shall I demonstrate? Um, why don't I just go sit alone Oh, you're doing it.
Ready, set Japanese! (choking) (grunting, groaning) That's not going down.
(gagging) This happens from time to time.
Maybe this isn't the sport for you.
It's not a sport.
It's my life.
LISA: Aw, he's sweet.
(chuckles) What am I doing? He's just Ralph with a dream.
The dream of not ralphing.
But I'm sure I could totally change and fix him.
Can I join you for lunch? Um, sure.
How many whole pizzas would you like? Um, can I just have a slice? Interesting technique.
(chuckles) BART: Whoa.
You didn't tell me you had a PlayStadium 4! It's the first I've seen it.
Something's fishy, Bart.
Where's the gift receipt? Where's the packet of desiccant that says "Do not eat"? And, believe me, you shouldn't.
I have a feeling this PlayStadium was liberated from its previous owner and given to me in gratitude.
Liberated? You mean "stolen"? You can't spell "crime" without "me.
" C-R-I (gasps) There it is, at the end! (doorbell rings) Oh, hi.
Is-is Lisa home? Yes, she is.
And who are you? Lucas.
It's pronounced "Luca-dollar.
" That's my competition name.
I'm a competitive eater.
HOMER: Competitive eater? Did I hear right? I could be a competitive eater? No! You didn't hear anything! Yes, I did! I heard "competitive eater"! It's for people who haven't had heart problems.
Then that makes me the Jackie Robinson of the sport, and you are the racist Philadelphia manager.
Quit comparing me to Ben Chapman.
I will when you open your mind to change! Oh! So, what should we practice: um, Vienna sausage; blueberry pie, short form; oatmeal, long course; freestyle baked beans; catfish-- ooh! Cow brains.
Beans, beans! We'll do beans.
Hmm.
Never saw the pork eat the beans before.
(both laugh) Actually, I'm a little surprised Lisa likes him.
Really! Justin Blobber over there doesn't remind you of anyone? $800 to cut me out of that slide?! It's all about the money with those firemen.
Women marry their fathers, Marge.
So you just might be meeting your future "ton-in-law.
" (both laughing) Ton-in-law.
God bless us.
(gasps) You can do better.
(Homer snoring) MARGE: My sisters are nuts.
I'm happy being married to Homer.
Most of the time.
(groans) (barking) Ooh! What the? (sighs) (Rossini's "The Thieving Magpie" playing) (slurps) (yelling) Meep, meep! (descending whistle) (gunshot) Hmm Maybe you're not cut out for competitive eating.
Are you calling me not fat? No, I'm just I Maybe you just haven't found the right food, huh? How 'bout ice cream? Yes! I will lay some hurt on that cream.
Oh, my God! Brain freeze! Oh, my God.
Kick me in the head till I pass out.
Harder! I'm still conscious! You must kick me harder.
Okay, honey, I made you pork chops just like you like 'em.
Twenty.
Thanks, babe.
Sorry you had to drop out of college to feed me full-time.
Now give us a kiss.
(Lisa screaming) (gasps deeply) What the? Oh, yawn.
Another freebie.
Better be a 64 gig.
Huh? It's full of lame apps: Bully Avoider, Nosebook, Insta-Grandma.
This was stolen from Milhouse! From my backpack.
Where Puppy Goo-Goo sleeps.
Maybe it's time to tell me exactly what's going on.
Relax.
Listen to the music of this bubble game.
(gentle music plays) So peaceful.
No! I won't let this go! It's time you told me how you've been getting all this stuff.
(sighs) I helped Snake out of a jam so he paid me back in stolen stuff.
It was an honorable arrangement.
But I never thought he'd steal from you.
Snake, eh? I never would've suspected the one criminal in town.
(chuckles) You seem stressed.
You want to suck some Squishee? Sure.
(whooshing) Mmm! Careful.
It's uncut syrup.
They give it to horses before they race.
(sucking, slurping) BROCKMAN: Jailbird, A Snake.
That's his real name.
Albert Knickerbocker Aloysius Snake-- has been arrested for a series of thefts and may be put to death under a controversial new statute.
(gasps) Yeah, we had a law stating "Three strikes and you're out.
" But I thought it was "You're out.
" So I let people go.
So now it's "Four balls and you walk.
Right to the electric chair.
" It's, uh, much clearer, Kent.
Bart, I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to ruin his life, not end it.
You ratted him out? (groans) He's got a kid.
A kid?! I was crushed when I lost my dad and all he did was move to the Holiday Inn.
I can still see him smoking on the balcony.
He looked like he missed something.
Maybe me.
So you see, we can't let Jailbird fry.
Time for the Sleepover Detectives.
I didn't say there'd be a sleepover.
Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing my pajamas under my clothes.
And my swimsuit under those.
One day it'll all pay off.
(Homer humming jauntily) Oh! There's my magazine.
Why, look at this.
"What every father should do for his daughter.
" Oh, Marge, if you want me to do something, just tell me.
Don't hide behind a magazine.
Right.
Right, right, right.
According to Judy Kleinsmith, a professional freelance writer, fathers should take their daughters out on little dinner dates and treat them like a gentleman would.
Then she'll expect the same from the men in her future.
Wait, let me get this straight: Sit and eat? That's my punishment? It's not a punishment.
But you can't just eat dinner.
You have to be gentlemanly and attentive.
Oh, I can fake attentive.
I've been watching a football game this whole discussion.
Not fake attentive.
Real attentive.
Okay, okay.
I'll make it fun.
I'll take her to that crab place.
All the crabs you could smash.
You know Lisa's a vegetarian.
She can smash a salad.
No.
Homer, you can't just do the things you want to do.
You have to act like someone you'd want Lisa to marry.
If you just act like yourself, she might just um Oh, you know um She might marry someone like me? You think that would be bad.
Homie, I love you.
But you can be a challenge, like doing the Daily Jumble.
Marge, you are comparing me to the most infuriating thing in the newspaper! Well, I was just trying to Oh I'm sleeping on Flanders' couch tonight.
Ours is crap.
(door shuts) So Marge says I gotta ask Lisa on a date.
Sure you remember how to ask out a girl, Homer? Yeah, you've been out of the game a long time there.
Guys, lay off Homer.
Now you quit stalling and call your daughter like a man.
Oh it feels weird.
Just ask your daughter to have dinner with you.
What is the big deal? Ah, he's doing it! He's calling a girl.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God (line ringing) Oh, it's ringing.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! LISA: Hello? Uh, hello.
Lisa? I know your brother and Oh! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Calm down, calm down.
She doesn't know it's you.
(phone ringing) Ah! Hide! Hide! (Moe sighs) Uh, hello? Oh, sure, Lisa, uh, your dad's right here.
Dad? Did you just call? Uh, yeah.
Hey, listen, your mom thinks that maybe you and I should have dinner together sometime.
Just the two of us? Ah, yeah, I knew you'd think it's dumb.
I'd love that.
See you tonight.
(whoops) I got a date with my daughter! Yeah, we all been there.
No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.
So, you see, Chief, Snake wasn't stealing that stuff out of greed.
He was stealing it to thank me.
Plea denied.
Warm up the electric chair, Lou.
You're not done yet? The instructions are in Swedish, Chief.
We got this from IKILLYA.
Yo, I totally speak Swedish.
Fluently? Um, ja.
Uh, do what he says, Lou.
But Chief But-but-but.
Quit arguing and give him the little wrench.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Let him out, Lou.
Let him out.
But Chief, we got guns; he's got a little wrench.
It's cold! Y oh (sighs, groans) All right.
(Wiggum whimpers, groans) Thanks for coming down, Bart.
You won't need to save me a third time.
You're going straight? If I get caught, it's suicide by cop.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
It means I get you to shoot me, dude.
Yeah, still sounds like a lot of paperwork.
Hair volumizer?! Cologne?! Hello, Marjorie.
Homie.
You look like an NBA coach.
Yes, well, it's a special evening and I thought it best not to look like a monkey.
Mm! Don't worry.
I won't embarrass you.
I will put my napkin in my lap, I will use the utensils provided for me, and if I our food is slow in coming, I will "blow my stack" in a manner befitting the Earl of Yarborough.
All right, you've made your point.
Hey, I can't screw this up or Lisa will get stuck with someone like me.
Homie, I don't have a problem with you.
Except your buttons are off one.
Actually, this is a collar button, see? It goes like this Tuh! Is there no end to your fault-finding? Maggie, help me with this shirt.
(groans) (Homer and Lisa laughing) So Mr.
Burns never realized it was Maggie who saved the plant? Nope.
Now, how's that drink? Can I Temple up that Shirley? Oh, I'm fine.
(giggles) Well, have we decided? Uh, yeah, help me out here.
What is the normal amount of entrees per person? Eh, one, sir.
I mean for adults.
One.
No, I mean for adult males.
Yes.
I repeat, eh, one.
All right, I'll have the lasagna.
All right.
Meat or vegetarian? Oh, uh Oh Vegetarian.
(quietly): Can the red sauce be cow blood? We'll see what we can do.
Is that Mom? Homer, can you come with me for a minute? Marge, please, control your jealousy.
This is your daughter.
We need to have a conversation in loud whispers.
Uh, excuse me, Lisa.
A friend from high school.
Homie, I felt terrible when you said I felt stuck with you.
But then I realized: I am stuck with you.
I couldn't stop loving you if I tried.
I'm sorry, that's all very nice.
But I can't forget what you said.
I know, Homie.
I know you well enough to know you're not ready to forgive me yet.
But I also know you well enough to know that this will work.
Where'd you get that dress? Remember that sewing machine you say I never use? Well, I sold it and bought this dress.
Wow Wow, that looks just like the dress you wore on Project Runway.
Shush-shush-shush.
Oh, right.
I mean, this looks like a dress from a local Springfield store.
All is forgiven.
Let's have dinner.
(clears throat) Dad, I believe we were on a date? Oh, of course.
You're right, honey.
I'll just, um I'll park it at the bar.
Well, hello.
And your lasagna with cow blood, sir.
Thanks, Frenchy.
I'm not French, I'm just pissy.
Lucas.
You're not competitive eating anymore? No.
I realized that was unrealistic.
Well, that's a relief.
My new goal is to become whatever Adele is.
Just call me Pound-Uca-Dollar.
(chuckles) What if I just taught you how to whistle? You know how to whistle? Like with your mouth? (whistles) (blows air) Hey, I'm doing it! (blowing air) I sound just like a bird! (whistling theme song) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Days Of Future Future
The Simpsons s25e18 Episode Script
Days Of Future Future
(bubble wrap popping) (pop) (yawns) (moans) (gasps) Please let it be a bear that did this.
(Homer groaning) How much did I eat? (groaning) Homie, you can't keep doing this to yourself.
(scoffs) I'm as healthy as a horse.
Horses only live 30 years.
(mimics a neighing horse) (sighs) If you could just ease up on the eating after 3:00 a.
m.
That's all I ask.
Marge is right.
I'm gonna walk upstairs, take her in my arms and tell her my good health starts now! Mm-hmm! Legs pumping.
Blood flowing.
Two at a time.
(grunting) Heart exploding.
(yelling, grunting) Ooh.
Pepperoni.
(grunting) (wheezing) (struggling): All that's left are clever last words.
(groans, gurgles) And so we mourn the loss of Homer J.
Simpson.
Beloved husband, father and poorly informed sports fan.
All he did was yell "traveling" at the screen.
Major condolences on your bereavement, dear.
If, uh you know, after a respectful period of grief and whatnot, uh yous would like to have some coffee, please give a call.
Thank you, Moe.
FRINK: Stop! Stop with the wailing and the gnashing and the aye Homer is not dead! I have made a copy.
I'm number two.
(moans in excitement) You're alive! But how? Uh, well (clears throat, speak gibberish) I was able to put Homer's memories in the body of a clone, identical to the original in every way.
I wanted to clone a sheep, but I needed to start with something simpler.
Which he is, because his brain is fliveck.
Oh Dad, you're back! Just in time for my recital.
Somebody kill me.
Now, Homie.
I hope you use this second chance to live a more sensible life.
Amen, baby.
Did you make potato salad for the wake? Yes.
That man sure loved potato salad.
(cracks knuckles) Ah, hey, Midge.
Uh here we are again, ah? Yeah (laughs) And, oh, uh, here, uh, my new card.
(laughs) Yeah.
I'm back! Coming through! (laughing): Yeah.
I can die all I want.
Frink's got Homers like the Tuileries has park benches.
Huh? I wonder where I picked that up.
Oh.
I planted a Western history chip, but all you retained were the places to sit down.
Nice! Letting the days go by Let the water hold me down (grunts) Letting the days go by Water flowing underground Into the blue again After the money's gone Once in a lifetime Homer, you'll be all right, but, uh, no solid food for two weeks.
Aw two weeks? (continuous beep) Same as it ever was, same as it ever was Same as it ever was (groaning) We are gathered here to mourn the passing of yet another Homer Simpson.
Beloved father, precious memories, local character, et cetera.
Okay.
We're ready for the crematorium bot.
(mechanical whirring) (pounding) HOMER: Wait a minute! (flames ignite) (grunting) (beeping) Don't go far, Cremo.
Oh, Moe, are we doing this again? You know what? No.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up here.
You and your immortal husband can go take a flying leap, huh? Um, I am so very sorry, but, uh, this time, I could not bring Homer back to life.
ALL: Wha? (groans) Stupid Moe.
You just had to act like yourself, didn't you, you jackass? All is not lost.
I was able to download Homer's brain into this flash drive.
It'll have to do.
Yo.
Where's my body? Oh, you used up all your clones, you fat, fat, fat, reckless, fat pig! From now on, you're just going to be a face on a monitor.
So, enjoy screen saver mode! Bonk.
Bonk.
Bonk.
Ooh.
Corner.
Ba-donk.
Let me just say this once.
(screams) I'm good.
Hey, kids.
Want to chase Grandpa Homer around the house? I do! Yay! (Homer and kids giggling) After 35 years of wifely obedience, I'm married to a face on a screen.
Not exactly fun and games for me, either, Marge.
Ooh Goody Gobble! (chomping) (whoops) Liquid center power-up! (chomping) (sighs) How are you, Milhouse? Things aren't great with Lisa.
If it wasn't for that squirrel that eats our bird food, we'd have nothing to talk about.
As I told you when we talked last month, "I've been doing a lot of charity work for the undead.
" HOMER: Uh, Marge, excuse me.
Uh I think I need a reboot.
Just stick the tip of your pen in that little hole and hold it for 15 minutes.
(click) No.
I'm throwing you out of the house.
You can live with your no-good son.
Hey.
What did I do? Nothing for 30 years.
You're perfect for each other.
No.
No.
No.
Don't pull me out before you click eject.
That hurts like a mother! So, Dad, what do you think of my place? Son, could you put me in 3-D for a second? (click) Why, you little! I'll teach you to emulate my sloppiness! (click) Okay, guys.
Time for you to go to your mother's.
Here's your mom's house.
(rings doorbell) (sighs) Hi, Jerry.
Hey, Bart.
Great to see you, man.
How are you? Great.
Great.
So, I guess you and Jenda are still together? Is she there? Oh, yeah.
She's just getting out of the shower.
Hey, you're looking good, man.
You been working out or what? No.
You're lucky, man.
I have to hit the gym like every day, or I'm like (shrieks) (kiss) Hey, baby.
Hurry, boys.
We're going camping this weekend.
But our thing was camping.
Living out of a car is not "camping.
" (laughing): That's right, babe.
(kiss) (groans) Bye.
Good-bye, Daddy! Take care, Bart.
Hey.
Check's due on the first, whether it's a weekend or not.
Dad, if I ever needed fatherly wisdom, it's now.
(sighs) (roars) Okay, everyone.
Jolly did a great job standing on her hind legs.
What does she get? ALL: A goat! (goat bleats) (crowd cheering) Cheer up, Bart.
You're working with dinosaurs.
(sighs) I miss my kids.
Come on.
You're free and sleazy.
I know some adult dancers that work with my mom.
Isn't your mom 87? With social security a thing of the past, she can't afford to retire.
I don't know how that happened in a senate with 99 Democrats.
That one Republican is great at getting his way.
(zombies moaning) Brains.
Actually, Terrance, this is a synthetic substance.
Devised for zombie vegans.
Or "zegans.
" Meh.
What are you doing here? You weren't answering your phone.
I was worried you might have been bitten.
Oh.
Zombies not able to control selves.
All we do bite, bite, bite.
You, sir, am racist.
I'm sure you're one of the good ones.
Not to imply that there are any bad ones, of course, but all stereotypes come from a place of (groans) Ow! (moans) Still meh.
(upbeat techno music blares) I don't think I'm ready for this, man.
Dude, it's been two years since the divorce.
Ooh.
I love your perfume.
Can I smell you later? Why don't you smell me now? Haw haw.
Well, that didn't look so hard.
You know, at my job, I satisfy ladies even bigger than you.
Um, I feed dinosaurs.
Sir, you have to leave.
You're bumming out everybody, and you have, like, a goat beard stuck to your shoe.
Huh? (groans) One, please.
Mm-hmm.
Huh? Man, that's some targeted advertising.
After this procedure, you will have total closure from your divorce.
How long does this take? It'll be over before I finish this (electrical buzzing) sentence.
Wow.
It works.
I'm completely over my ex-wife.
Do you take wedding bands as tips? Put it in the jar.
One more injection in two weeks, and you're cured.
But until then, you may experience some zombie-ism.
(chuckles) Brains.
No.
Those are just teaching brains.
They're like the plastic sushi in front of a Japanese restaurant.
Window sushi fake? Window sushi fake.
Ay, caramba.
I have moved on.
Hey, passable-looking.
Sorry.
I'm just a little creeped out by that screen saver.
Nothing to worry about.
He's been frozen like that for days.
(moaning) (whistling) Girls All I really want is girls And in the morning it's girls Wow.
Now I see why they call you Miss Hoover.
You must have been vacuuming for an hour.
Anything to please my man.
So, was it good for you? "Good" is not a concept in my culture! Oh, my God.
We went home with you? Not just me.
There's Beppo, Boppo, Emmett Kelly the Ninth, Frenchy, Insane Clown Polly and Commodore Tee-hee.
(horn toots) Brains? Brains? Garden brains.
(Milhouse grunts) Spicy Mexican garden brains? Too much sodium.
(grunts) Give me your wallet! (grunts) (whirring) (imitating siren): Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! What seems to be the oopsie here? (growling) Yay! I'm fighting crime! (grunts) Officer needs backup.
There, back up.
(grunts) Oh? The old Milhouse would have been helpless with an asthma attack.
No breathing, no asthma.
I love how you're dropping all your definite articles.
Brevity soul wit.
(giggling) LISA: Uh, what are you cooking? Nothing.
You know, Dad really misses you.
Well, I don't miss his nonsense.
There's a lot of stuff he blamed on raccoons that I'm starting to suspect was him.
Look, maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I've got him right here.
Oh.
Sorry, I must have recorded over Dad.
But admit it.
When you thought it was Dad, you were excited.
It's only natural to miss a man you buried 127 times.
(classical music playing) (whooshing) Hey, Homer, your robot body finally came.
About time! (whooshing) Huh.
Huh.
Hmm? Hey, where's my junk? Oh.
Whew! (doorbell rings) Hello? (laughter, whirring) Oh, you boys look happy.
Yeah, but Mom's sad.
Jerry moved out.
(Jenda cries) I thought he was the one, Bart.
I just put in a saltwater tank where he could shed his exoskeleton.
And now when I walk by it, I feel like a fool.
He's the fool.
You're great.
You're just saying that because you have to.
I don't have to say anything.
Believe me, no guy wants to see his ex looking hot or being sweet.
Makes him realize everything he's lost.
Wow.
Wow.
You've really grown.
We should have dinner sometime.
Hey, Dad, can you watch the boys? Sure.
(high-pitched whistling) Body, to Moe's.
Hey, you're kind of quiet tonight, Homer.
(belches loudly) (whirring) (crowd chatter, gentle instrumental music plays) You know, this was a great evening.
(in squeaky voice): Please enjoy your desserts.
Man, when is that voice gonna change? (whimpering) Suddenly, I want a different dessert.
But they brought us little cakes and Oh.
Ay, caramba.
(metallic thudding) Oop, oop, uh, yeah, open your stance a little there.
Oh! Yeah, that's it.
Do your worst, kids! (both gasp) Come on! Hug your grandpa, boys! (whimpering) Threat perceived.
Terminate! Terminate! (yelling) (laughing) Kids are so afraid of being terminated.
Looking good, Santa's Little Hybrid.
Father, what am I? JENDA: Guys, sit down.
Our lives are gonna change a little.
Uh-oh.
This is never good.
This is good.
Your father and I are gonna try to make it work again.
Like a classic rock band whose hold-out member finally needs money.
Wow.
Everyone's back together except Gramma and Grampa.
Oh, I think that's about to change.
(high-pitched mechanical whirring and hissing) Aren't you going to work, Dad? One of us has to stay home with you guys.
And your mom can't quit her job at Google.
They need my help hunting down those self-driving cars that turned evil.
Oh, you passed another rest stop! I am not stopping again.
But I had a large soda! I said get the small! It was only 50 cents more! Let's play The Quiet Game! (groans) (groans) Now, will somebody hold up a one dollar bill? (bellowing screech) (screaming) (laughter) (thunderous footsteps, audience gasping) Uh-oh.
It looks like we woke someone up from her nap.
(laughter) Well, now that you're up, you can do your juggling act.
(low growl) (laughter) (sad growl) Milhouse, you were supposed to come see me today for your final anti-zombie injection.
(groans) Yes, well, uh But I'm supposed to be in surgery now, so I guess we're both playing hooky.
(laughs) But, Lisa, if you want Milhouse to return to his old self, then you'd better bring him in for that shot tomorrow.
But, Doctor (whispering): he's so much more interesting this way.
(growling) Ooh.
I see.
Now enjoy the majesty of our prehistoric past.
(horn toots) So, that earring I lost in the teleport, turns out it's in Florida.
Yes! That's not a listening-to-me "yes.
" You're watching something.
What? Me? Oh, that's crazy.
You know, I knew it.
This is supposed to be us time, and you're lensing a game.
Well, you're not paying attention to me.
You're texting.
Yeah, only to complain about you not paying any attention to me.
If I wasn't paying attention, then how did I notice you not paying attention to my not paying attention? Ha! Oh, I thought this time things were gonna be different.
They are.
You're four years older.
Wow.
What does that mean? Uh Hey, Bart, what'll it be? A tall beer and no judgmental women.
That is so typical of you.
What are you doing here? I have to decide whether to make Milhouse (sighs) human again.
I even prefer the way he smells now.
Some meat went bad in our freezer, and my heart skipped a beat.
Phoo! You two don't know what a rough marriage is.
Mom, I got to know.
Once and for all, what is the secret? Why did you stay with Dad so long? Until I was eight, I thought he was a magical gorilla.
Look, life's tough.
It's hard to make it through.
The only way I know is when you make a decision that comes from your heart, you stick with it.
(sighs) Like my marriage.
Or my divorce.
Or my decision to support Duffman in his old age.
Duffman can still swing and party.
(wheezy): Oh, yeah.
Wait, Mom.
Does that mean you're going to take Dad back? No, I'm going to join him forever.
(electrical buzzing) (moaning) (gasps) (laughs) Oh.
(electronic beeps, tune plays) I can't tell if that was love, suicide or a a really boring video game.
Lisa, your husband is fine.
(chuckles) No residual zombie-ism whatsoever.
Are you sure? Watch.
I'll just wave this juicy brain in front of him.
I'm gonna faint! Hooray.
So, Jenda, I don't know what love is, but I know what it isn't, and we're isn't.
Yeah.
You're right.
That's why I started seeing Jerry again without telling you.
Hey, buddy, how, uh, how you doing? What?! Oh! You know what, Jenda? I'm not even mad, because I'm finally, completely over you.
(whooshing) WOMAN: sentence.
Wait.
What am I doing back here? You never left.
Everything that you experienced between when I flipped the switch and now was just a neural implant in your temporal lobe.
Uh, you should look at my profile.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
It was all a dream, and now you can go home.
So, you're sure I'm cured? No more feelings for my ex-wife? I'm positive.
We treat a lot of people for obsessions.
(electrical buzzing, whooshing) It's a whole new day for Nothing Stu! Wow.
I'm free.
Get ready, world.
I've got a whole new set of mistakes to make.
(whistling) Uh, ol' Gil could use a fresh start.
Weren't you just in here this morning? I've had a bad day.
After 35 years of marriage, we've finally gotten it right.
Yes, even my personality has gotten, shall we say, an upgrade.
Oh! That's a bit of a whoo-hoo.
Indeed.
Lis, I hope things work out with you and Milhouse, but if they don't, I know just where you should go.
Thanks, but Milhouse and I are in a pretty good place.
Even though he's not a zombie anymore? No, that's what happened in your false memories.
There is no cure for zombie-ism.
(groaning) Dead flower from dead husband.
(sighs dreamily) And I was a false memory, too.
No, you were real.
Aw, shucks.
ANNOUNCER: Next week on Fox Television's The Simpsons: Sit down.
You're not going anywhere.
(gasps) Release the It ain't what you think! I said no mayo! Ay, caramba.
(laughs) ANNOUNCER: One week from tonight.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  What To Expect When Bart's Expecting
The Simpsons s25e19 Episode Script
What To Expect When Bart's Expecting
Oh, no.
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (yells) (grunts) (screams) (screaming) (chuckles) D'oh! Ooh! (groans) (mouth groans) Ooh! (gasps) (belches) (heart beating) (squishing, blurping) Why, you little! (Homer and Bart grunt) Huh?! Eh, welcome fellow barkeeps, gin-slingers, and beer jerks.
We are all here because drinkin' in our bars is down.
Mom-and-pop bartenders can't compete with big box stores like Booze Barn and Hooch City.
(bell dinging) (all clamoring) Uh, folks, this is the owner of the airport bar speaking.
Uh, we're experiencing some financial turbulence.
Uh, please remain calm.
Now let's watch this informational video that'll help save our business.
Thanks, Cap.
Now what I'm proposing is a superhero pub crawl.
Our clientele dress up in costume and go drinking from bar to bar.
Their masks make 'em feel uninhibited and invulnerable.
(all murmuring positively) Yeah, and that's not all.
Why don't you tell 'em about it, Moe? Yeah, you got it, Moe.
We can make up superhero drink names and charge 'em double.
Like, uh, Nick Fury, Agent of Schnapps; Sex in the Batmobile; and Wolveriskey.
Here, check out my, uh, portfolium here.
(all clamoring, cheering) Whoo! Yeah! Flame on! (belches) (gasps) Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God! I can't breathe! No, no, no! Why do they call this a yard of ale? Easy.
After you drink one, you're passed out in your yard.
Hmm.
(drunkenly): Well, better get home.
The delightfulness ended hours ago.
Homer, the best thing for you to do in this situation is keep drinking.
Heh.
(Homer moaning) (groaning) (Otto laughs) Oh, why are you doing this to me, booze? I drank every kind of you! See ya, Homer! Bye, Dad! Have a good day, you two! Don't be me! There's my dad! Wait, I think I just sucked up a dollar! (grunting) JosÃ©, hit the switch! We are not all JosÃ©s, man.
(other kids laugh) Oh! Art.
Simpson! Smock up! Every time I do art, some do-gooder teacher sends it straight to a therapist.
Your stuff is pretty disturbing.
I've never acted on any of it.
You will take art, you will enjoy art, and you will make something in a kiln your mother can use.
Oh (groans) Maggie! Why'd you do that? Oh, I just came in to take out the trash! And you shall leave immortal! Also, take out the trash.
Honest! Inspiring! Yes necessary! Oh, Milhouse-ian! Oh, Bart, it's wonderful! Really? Wonderful? I just drowned a grasshopper in paint and let him crawl on the paper till he died.
You know what that's called? Mixed-media conceptual art.
No, it's not, because I hate art.
Oh, then it's protest art! Stop encouraging me! I will admire you from afar! (exasperated grunt) (gasps) Shauna? What are you doing here? Training for the Olympics.
I gotta find a way to get rid of my art teacher.
Easy.
Voodoo.
Is there a voodoo queen you can direct me to? Oh, yeah.
She lives in a trailer down by Yogurtland.
Now kiss me.
I wanna make somebody mad.
(grunting) What are you doing?! What's my no-good daughter up to now? Now u have everyt'ing you need for the voodoo.
Would you like a bag? Yes, ma'am.
Paper or plastic? Uh, plastic.
Just like the chicken foot say you would! Okay, did you get Trunch's DNA? Yeah, got it out of her purse.
(chuckles) How'd you do that? Art teachers don't have a desk.
They just throw their purse anywhere.
Voodoo spell, voodoo spell, seagull beak and bone of Mel, purple heart and tear of chum (grunts) Just had to be tear of chum.
Send her home with aching tum! Oh, right, we need one more thing from her purse.
I've got these.
Hmm, she's got tickets to the play God of Carnage.
Orchestra?! On an art teacher's salary? That's black magic! Where's Mrs.
Trunch? I need to know the correct density of "points" in my pointillism.
Mm, sorry, but I don't think we'll be seeing much of Trunch today.
Yep, I cast a voodoo spell on her.
I won't bore you with the dark details, but let's just say she's in no condition for teaching.
(gasps) (disappointed): Oh Class, I have an announcement.
I'm afraid I can't teach today.
I have a tummy ache.
Mm A very special tummy ache.
I'm going to have a baby! (gasps) Aah! Bart Simpson got a teacher pregnant! (scoffing) Typical Ralph nonsense.
(Milhouse panting) Bart Simpson got a teacher pregnant! You happy with your two-timing boyfriend now? I admit, I did make a voodoo doll of Mrs.
Trunch.
But I just asked for a stomachache, not a baby! Classic wish-maker's mistake: vague language.
So I did make her pregnant? Of course not.
Doesn't work that way.
Just how do women get babies? I'm not allowed to discuss that with fourth-graders.
Fifth grade, you get every dirty detail.
Do you know how embarrassed I was to get a call at my arraignment for my behavior during the pub crawl because of a voodoo curse my son placed on his art teacher? I didn't mean to make her pregnant.
I just hate art so much.
Oh, everyone does, son.
That's why they lock it up in museums where no one will ever visit.
So, uh, your boy's got magic knock-up powers, huh? Hey, I created three kids, and no one's making a big deal of that.
Not true! Whenever I compliment your virility, you act all weird.
And you are very virile.
Uh, yeah.
Just talk about sports! No problem.
Wish I had that Tom Brady's libido.
(shudders) Oh, it's amazing how many Cheerios Maggie drops in the back seat.
Here you go.
Put those in the trash, then you can help me unload the dishwasher.
Oh! A minute of fun, a lifetime of work.
I've never heard of a pregnancy like this.
There he is.
Jenny, this is crazy.
Nothing's crazy at this point.
Are you the boy that makes babies? I like to think I'm the boy that makes families.
You see, Jenny? He's just a jerk kid.
It's just (sobs) we've been trying so hard to start a family.
With all the money we've spent on IVF.
(sobs) You have no idea! Hmm, maybe I can help.
But it'll cost you.
How much? Five dollars.
Plus one dollar haw-haw insurance.
Trust me, the insurance is worth it.
By the power of this place, make a baby with a face.
That's great, really.
Really glad we're getting a baby with a face.
Thank you.
(tires screech) Haw! No haw-haw! It worked! (groans) I'm pregnant! Look, Bart, I really, I can't believe there's a connection here.
But, uh, we have some friends who are in the same dark place that we were.
Can we give them your name? Only if they have five dollars.
Yes, right.
I'll make sure that they have five dollars.
With them.
Look, I'm sorry our check bounced, man.
I can have the bank teller call you.
Just give me the cash and you'll get your driver's license back.
Please keep the chatter down while the Womb Wizard is casting his spells.
Ones are appreciated, people.
Barbeque sauce and teddy bear's eye.
They want a baby, God knows why.
Homie, I can't find my spatula.
Can you get another one? Flanders, can we borrow your spatula? That was my spatula.
And you never bought a replacement? Ah, too much aggravation.
We just forego flipped food.
D'oh! (grunts) Hmm.
(humming a tune) Bart? Huh? Why, you little! I'll teach you to answer peoples' prayers! (both grunting) Yeah, you know, I just don't think we're going to get in to see him today.
What is your problem, boy? Maybe when I've got a dad who shows up in the morning with no shirt on and rocks on his face, it sets, I don't know, a low bar? Wow, I got to take that in.
While I do, have some bar nuts.
Aren't those full of germs? Eat the nuts! They're your dinner! (guns click) You guys are coming with us.
Not so fast! Nobody comes into my bar and kidnaps two paying customers.
Aw, thanks, Moe, I Huh? I must've left my wallet at home.
All right, take them, take them! Fill their pockets with corn and toss them to the pigs.
Don't tell us our business! (sobs) Huh? Fat Tony? That's right Fat Homer.
Hey! I need your boy to make a baby.
Do you really need the boy's help to make a baby? Just do a little of the bunga-bunga, and the hotsie-totsie, and the bop-bada- bop-bada-bop.
You sound like every doctor I've ever been to.
But it's not for me.
It's for her.
Meet my filly, Cheesesteak.
The love of my life.
(baby-talking, kissing) Who has apple breath? You has apple breath.
(kissing, baby-talking) And this horse, who I have briefly "borrowed," is the winner of last year's Springfield Stakes-- Rear Admiral.
So work your magic, and breed me a champion.
Look, Fat Tony, I don't know what you know about voodoo, but it only works on people.
Horses? That's crazy talk! You will breed me a champion by morning or it will be the last sunrise you ever see.
Don't over-promise, boss.
It might be overcast.
How'd you like a cast over your face? Well, as long as there re breath holes.
You know, I'm just saying.
Okay, boy, if there ever was a good time for you to find out where babies come from in the grossest way possible, with your life on the line, this is it.
One more thing: It better be a boy.
(scoffs) Anything else? It would be helpful if he could go undercover with police horses and find out what they know.
(crickets trilling) Hey, this is all your fault.
How is it my fault? I wouldn't be here if you were more of a role model.
Pub crawls, naked Frisbee golf I just did that because it was a series of funny words.
Well, it's your mediocre fathering that put me on the path to hell! Wha? Maybe you're right, boy.
It's time I was a better father.
And I'll start by saving us.
I just need to facilitate some horse intercourse.
Come on, buddy.
Just make a champion thoroughbred, and we're out of here.
(neighs) What's his problem? It's raining men Hallelujah, it's raining men (neighing) Amen I'm gonna go out I'm gonna let myself get (music stops) Hey, you know? I don't think this guy likes girls.
(splutters) Big deal.
I don't like girls, either.
Not like that.
It's like this.
(indistinct whispering) Smithers Mr.
Largo Danny Kaye.
What? Everyone knows.
(neighs) Now, where's she going? Hey, I know that horse! It's Sudsley! Sudsley Brew-Right! (neighs) That horse was instrumental in me becoming a man.
It feels like the first time It feels like the very first time (neighing) It feels like the first time (neighs) Ew, that tastes horrible! Beer transformed that cute little boy into the man you see before you.
Hmm.
(neighs) Whoa! They like each other.
You know, pregnant is pregnant.
What a you talking about? We're not lost, boy.
Not by a long shot.
We just have to set the mood.
(gentle orchestral intro begins) Let them play We won't look We'll turn away Go make love Then eat some hay We'll be dead Shot through the head Be that as it may Fat Tony's horse is gay I do not hear no banging No sound of horseshoes clanging Roll in hay Or tomorrow we will pay I don't care About tomorrow We need True horse love today Here's a blanket they can borrow Let them rock the night away I don't really mind at all But why must I go muck the stall? Roll in hay Roll in hay Roll in hay! (bottle shatters) (grunts) (steady banging nearby) Ah, young love.
So, where is the pregnancy test? Right here.
What does it say? The Pimlico plus of joy? Or the Maryland State Fairgrounds minus? It's a plus! We're having a baby! Hey, salute! I've never seen Johnny Tightlips so happy.
Simpsons, you're free to go! Louie, drive 'em home.
Cool, another limo ride! The limo's in the shop.
We have a loaner.
BART: Ay, caramba! You monster! My knees will be in my throat! There's another way you can go.
Dad? Cheesesteak, a little advice from a mother of three.
They'll turn out the same whether you gallop or trot.
Teach him not to pee during parades.
He'll get more work.
(neighing) Now that's what I call a modern family.
Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey! (clamoring) The prosecution calls Sudsley Brew-Right! (gallery murmuring) Sudsley, on the night in question, how many did you see the defendant kill? (knocks seven times) Seven in one night? What kind of a monster could do that? A party monster! Drinking the new, convenient Duff Seven-Pack! Oh, yeah The Duff Seven-Pack-- one more for the road.
There's nothing symmetrical about flavor! So get your seven pack today! It looks wrong, but it is oh, so right! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Brick Like Me
The Simpsons s25e20 Episode Script
Brick Like Me
(snoring) MARGE: Homie! Homie, wake up! You're having a nightmare.
HOMER: It's not selling out.
It's co-branding.
Co-branding! MARGE: Wake up! (Homer grunting) Oh, honey, the best part of every day is waking up to your smiling face.
Oh Just like the best day of my life was when you (pop) gave me your hand in marriage.
Ooh.
(chuckles) I'd like it back, please.
(barks) Hey! Drop it, you stupid dog! That's one of my wife's pieces! She needs it to reciprocate high fives! (Homer grunting) That's okay, Homie.
I'll just grab another.
Mmm Oh I haven't worn this one since New Year's.
(sizzling) Hmm.
Is it just me, or does something seem weird today? You're right-- something is different about the Simpsons today.
Your father's wearing a tie.
Oh, that's what's different! That's the one and only thing.
Maggie! Stop that! No more playing with your food.
Aw, they're so cute when they're Duplo.
Uh, yes, is this a toy store? Uh-huh.
I'm supposed to get my daughter a birthday present-- hmm, what's it called? Here it is.
Perky Patty's Princess Shop.
(grunts) (groans) Oh! I'm so sorry-- but I have an awesome excuse: I was distracted driving.
Oh, don't worry about it.
(chuckles): Good thing we don't feel pain.
Hey! These are the monkey's legs! (whimpers) (panicked chattering) Come back! I'm a clown! I can't afford to look ridiculous! (school bell ringing) Hey, Bart, check out what I brought for share day.
BART: Whoa! A skunk! Who should we stink first? It can't spray-- it's been de-sacked.
Ew! The gypsy skunk-seller lied! (panicked yelling) He went in there! Stop it! If you pull out those bricks, the whole school could collapse! But there's a skunk in there.
(gasps) Scottish steak! (students groaning) (both gasp) You are going to rebuild every brick of this school.
This says: ages 12 and up.
Age guidelines are conservative, and everyone knows it.
And to motivate you, some words of support from the school chum.
Haw-haw! SKINNER: Thank you, Nelson.
(Homer humming) One Perky Patty's Princess Shop, please.
Ah.
Always good to meet a fellow AMFOP.
Huh? Adult Male Fan of Princesses.
It's for my daughter.
Yes, yes, it's always for the daughter.
Well, that's weird.
I feel like I've seen this toy before.
(rumbling) Do you like it, honey? I love it, Dad! Thank you.
Well, have fun putting it together.
Wait, wha Dad, don't you want to build it with me? Well, there's no dad on the box.
I don't want to get in trouble.
(laughs): Of course I do! Mm-hmm.
Well, what do you know? I enjoyed playing with you.
Me, too, Dad.
No, no, no.
Listen to me.
We played and it wasn't boring.
We've played lots of times.
Of course we have! Because you're my girl and I love you.
But I'm letting you in on a secret.
When parents play with their kids, they don't like it.
And I'm no different.
Oh.
Suddenly I can't breathe.
Every fiber of my being screams out for a nap.
And if someone handed me an issue of The New Yorker, (chuckles): I would read the fiction.
I swear to God I would.
Wow.
But there are millions of parents in the world.
Surely some of them like playing with Nope, not even one.
Just look at the things you kids like: tea parties with pretend food; hide-and-seek with flagrant peeking; and the most inhumane torture ever devised by man (shudders) Candy Land.
Oh.
But this this is tolerable! (gasping breaths) What a crazy vision.
I was in a world where nothing is made of bricks, except for toys! Hey, read the sign.
Thank you.
(whimpering) Marge, I'm telling you, it was so weird.
My body was squishy, and my hands looked like snakes made of meat! It was horrible! Oh, Homie, it was probably just a mini-stroke.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Whatever you saw, it wasn't real.
That's how the world works.
Everything fits with everything else, and nobody ever gets hurt.
I know.
Oh, maybe you just need someone to you know, take your mind off it? Hm? I always need that.
I only don't ask because being rejected (breathily): gets old.
(Homer and Marge sigh) Oh, baby, I feel so close to you right now.
(whistling a tune) (clinking) (shrieks) Hmm? Hmm? Marge? Did you replace our regular mirror with a magical mirror from a mystical salesman at a weird store that if we went back to find it, it wouldn't be there anymore? MARGE: No.
(screams) Okay, Homer, get a grip.
I'm sure lots of people, every time they look in the mirror, see a hideous flesh monster.
Just a one-time thing.
(gasps) Oh, brick me! Leave me alone! Why don't you go back where you came from! I have as much right to be here as you! I, sir, am in the Advent calendar! Hmm? APU: December 18, final week! Huh? Moe, I'm going crazy-- I need to kill off as many of my brain cells as possible.
Well, I'm here to help.
(clinking) (sputters) What the? This isn't beer.
Beer is plastic circles.
How can I drink (shudders) this? (mug shatters) Did you guys see that? Oh, it's getting worse! (shrieks) (grumbling) Ugh! Rebuilding the same boring old school.
I could make this place so much cooler if they just gave me a chance.
(yawns) (snoring) (sneaky chuckling) (gasps) What have you done to my school? I put in a rock-climbing wall, all the classrooms are skate parks, we got zip-line stairwells, Terminator gym teachers, your office is now a haunted forest-- extra ghosts-- and, if you can believe it, two tetherball poles.
How will children learn if they don't feel like they're in kid jail? Relax.
I used all the same bricks.
Plus Ralph.
Yo soy language lab.
(groans) But I don't want to go to church-- I'm too busy going crazy.
Come on, Homie.
When I'm troubled, I always find solace in the airtight logic of religion.
"Before the world began, "there was only table.
"Then the Great Constructor scissored open bag one "and dumped out the universe.
"Then came the time of the Great Sorting: "color to color, shape to shape, and a pile of just "windows and doors.
"And everything was made of eternal, unchanging acrylonitrile butadiene styrene," or in the common tongue, "plastic.
" But, Reverend, what if everything isn't made of plastic? I think there's more to this world.
You mean like decals? Well, the Orthodox don't use them, but we're a Reform congregation.
No.
I mean a place where nothing snaps together and you just can't toss your kids in a dishwasher to clean 'em.
(chuckles): Oh, Homer, a place like that could only exist in some kind of magic rock song.
Look around-- we live in a perfect world where everything fits together and no one gets hurt.
Mustache is right.
(others agreeing) But I'm having all these hallucinations.
Like right now my hands look like they're these weird wiggly things.
I think they have a name, but I can't put my finger on it.
(congregation gasps) Don't look, boys! (pop) Wait! You guys see them, too? He's a freak! Take him apart and lose the pieces under the couch! Well, I don't find him disgusting.
Oh, boy, that's mushy! Come on, Marge.
We need real answers, and there's only one place we can get them! Let's see, "fingers.
" Come on, show me something about fingers.
(sighs) Bad news, people.
Our religion is not true.
Sorry about that.
Really sorry.
If I'm right, when I touch this box, it'll trigger another memory from some alternate me's life.
If I don't come back from that other place, tell my wife I loved her.
I'm right here.
Promise me! (rumbling) I can't believe all the time I wasted playing with Bart when I could have been playing with you.
Aw Our little Springfield is really turning out great.
City Hall, the weird-smelling bank, Rehab World Krustyburger, Krustyburger Express, the Krustyburger where the governor got stabbed Oh, you two.
Hey, look what I found in the "Arts-Weekend-Obituary" section of the paper.
LISA (gasps): A builders competition! We got to enter our mini-Springfield.
We're a great team! We're there.
I'll clear my calendar.
Hey, Lenny, remember those two surfers we were gonna fight? Well, you're on your own.
LENNY: But you're the one who sat on their fish tacos.
Great talking to you, buddy.
(chuckles) Lisa, Lisa, I spent all day at work making a Duff brewery for our mini-Springfield.
I don't want to brag, but it really brews.
Huh? Where is she? Okay, I got us tickets for the 7:30 show of Survival Games.
I've never been to a PG-13 movie before.
I wonder what the one swear word will be.
What if it's (whispering) (gasps) Oh, I've never heard that one.
My grampa said it at Thanksgiving.
We usually don't hang out with second graders, but we saw your Survival Games book report hanging in the hallway, and we were very impressed.
You really understood that the theme of the book was love.
Hey, older girls, I'm Homer Simpson.
That's right.
Lisa's playtime partner and BFF.
(girls groaning) I assume Lisa told you about the pretend tiny town she's building with her overweight father.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be mucho fresh.
Come on, honey.
It's time to click some bricks.
I don't know what he's doing up here.
He usually stays in the basement.
It's okay, Lisa.
We have dads, too.
I have three dads.
See you Friday.
Friday? But that's when Brick-Stock is.
Um, actually, Friday is the opening night of the new Survival Games movie, and they invited me.
But this was our thing.
I know.
I'm sorry, but cool older girls have never wanted to hang out with me before.
One of them wears deodorant.
I don't know which one.
Oh.
All right.
Thanks for understanding, Dad.
What just happened? It's not you.
Lisa's growing up.
It's a really complicated time in a girl's life from age eight to actually, all the rest of the way.
Oh! I finally found something I like doing with my daughter, and now I've lost it.
I don't fit into her world.
This is for the tacos! Ow! Tacos, brah! Ow! What did you build? Mmm Oh, that's the teenage crossbow ace who stole my daughter from me.
Keendah Wildwill is a modern feminist hero-- strong, independent and resourceful.
She's a little bustier than I remember.
My work on that front is never done.
I wish I lived in little Springfield.
Everything fits together, and no one ever gets hurt.
(yells) (groans) COMIC BOOK GUY: Okay Apparently, our whole world is a fantasy in the mind of an emotionally-devastated Homer Simpson.
One of the main questions I have about that is, why? The real Homer fears losing his daughter's love, so he invented this toy world where nothing will ever change.
How can you be sure? I have devoted my life to second-rate science fiction.
Trust me, that is what we are dealing with here.
So if I don't find my way out of here, I could be trapped in a fantasy forever? I'm afraid so.
(whooping) I'm trapped in a fantasy forever! Kiss my flat plastic butt, reality.
(giggling) Ooh.
Daddy-daughter time will never end! Inventing this toy world to live in is the smartest thing my brain-damaged brain ever did.
Nothing bad can ever happen here.
Great throw, Homer.
Put it in Tupperware, boys.
We'll rebuild it tomorrow.
Homie, ask yourself-- can you really live in a paradise if you know it's just pretend? Marge, who would give up eating steak in the Matrix to go slurp goo in Zion? We don't have that movie here.
Now Lisa can never ditch me, and I can play with her forever.
(sighs) There, I finished.
All 12 of them.
I'll never build what I want again.
Then you've learned your lesson.
Too bad I got these for my birthday.
They always give me the school.
(groans) Sparkle Unicorn, would like some more tea? Oh, yeah, hook me up with some more of that imaginary nectar.
I've never seen you throw yourself into a tea party like this.
Before, it always seemed like you were kind of phoning it in.
Not anymore, Lisa.
I've created a perfect world with no PG-13 movies to take you away from me.
(sips loudly) Ah! 'Cause in a toy town, everything stays shiny and wonderful, just the way I want it.
You'll always be my little girl.
Maggie will always be my giant baby.
Bart will never move out of the house.
I'll work for Mr.
Burns forever.
Marge and I will never grow old together and live like fat cats on Social Security.
Good Lord, I'll never experience the ultimate reward for a life well lived-- the gentle slumber of death.
Marge, I made a terrible mistake! The fact that kids grow up is what makes time with them special.
I think I need to go back.
I wish you'd told me that before I bought all these groceries.
But I understand.
Lego Marge, you're just as cool as Real Marge.
Who?! Nobody, nobody.
Plastic Comic Book Guy, I need to go back home.
Home? But you've discovered the joy of living in a world made of toys where nothing bad can ever happen.
But I miss burning my mouth on pizza, and David Blaine stunts where he could really die.
Now tell me how to get out of here! All you need to do is open the box back to your so-called reality.
But I can't let that happen.
Huh? You're the bad guy? I thought you were the rule-explainer guy.
As an adult who surrounds himself with child's toys, I represent the part of your psyche that prefers this artificial world.
(rhythmic clicking, gate clangs shut) How did you do that?! Because, as the ultimate collector, I have every play set ever made.
(creaking) Huh? (gasps) Pirates! (whooshing, grunting) Pajama guys! (gasps) I'll never get home.
Who could build something awesome enough to save me? Who? Who?! Who?! Don't you even think about it.
(whirring) You are thinking about it, aren't you? (whimpering) (loud, rhythmic thudding) You are going back where you came from-- Denmark.
What is that thing? I have no idea, but it's gonna kick his butt.
That robot is made out of Batmobile, Hobbit hole and SpongeBob play sets.
That's that's mis-set-genation.
(in robotic voice): Kid power.
BART: Lion blast! (whirring, rapid gunfire) Lightsaber barf! (click, whirring, whooshing) Fire Principal! This is strangely exhilarating.
No.
No.
(crying): No! I am going to enjoy playing with this thing forever! (Bart grunting) I'm a creative but undisciplined builder! (Homer grunts, Comic Book Guy groans) (anxious whimpering) (magical whirring) Good-bye, Homie.
Your squishy meat family is lucky to have a good man like you.
Oh, baby, no matter what the reality, you're the best thing in it.
Hmm.
That was a little weird, right? (laughs) A little bit.
(whirring) (yelling) LISA: Dad, wake up.
Wake up.
Oh, Meat Lisa, it's you.
Are you okay? Oh, I had this crazy dream where I was in a world made of Lego bricks and learned important lessons about parenting.
Mmm, isn't that kind of the plot of the? No.
No, it's not.
It's a new plot.
Honey, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to your movie.
I changed my mind.
I knew how much this meant to you.
No, no, go to the movie with your friends.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I can't stop you from growing up.
I love you, Dad.
Me, too, little girl.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Thayson, Joshuel, don't make me pick between you two on the night before I reenter the Struggle Dome again.
We'll never stop loving you, even if you string us along forever.
Forever.
Forever.
How can I choose between two boys, one who's dangerous but good-looking, the other who's strong but super cute? ALL (sighing): Ah! Oh, my God, this is terrible.
When do they get to killing the children? Shh! Wait a second.
You're not into this Shh! She's trying on dresses.
Oh, I just wanted to see kids fight to the death, is all.
Shh! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  Pay Pal
The Simpsons s25e21 Episode Script
Pay Pal
D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) What the?! Well, this is a no-brainer.
Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! (groans) Now what? (screams) (Marge humming) (laughing) (whirring) Mom, it's not funny if I can't hear the cats drown in their own barf.
(screaming) (whirring louder) (retching continues louder) Why can't kids still watch Captain Kangaroo?! Culture's in decline.
Deal with it.
(groans): Oh! (whirring louder) (laughs) Yay! A mess! Ooh! Can I lick the ceiling? (groans): Oh.
I was making that cake for the block party today.
Now there's no choice but to go store-bought.
(humming) (over P.
A.
): I need a price check on Gramma Shortcut's Store-bought Bundt Cake.
(crowd gasps) Keep it! Let's go! We've got some put-backs.
Roger dodger, boss.
Hey, don't turn old man on me.
You know, I used to be the buyer for the whole chain-- You heard of the A&P? Well, we used to be the J&G.
You like what you see at the J&G They're used to be three, but we lost the "Z" and If I make out with you, will you shut up? Ah, give it a shot.
(moans) You know, we used to give out gray stamps.
Remember green stamps? Ours was gray.
Attention block party losers! We are Ear Poison! (electric guitar riff plays) There were bells on a hill But I never heard them ringing No, I never (gasps) (British accent): We must have the same recipe.
Drive to store, buy cheap cake, serves them right.
Booth Wilkes-John.
My wife and I just moved here from London.
Marge Simpson.
Congratulations on Little King George.
Well, Marge, my wife and I are hosting a get-to-know-you game night on Saturday next-- or as you call it, next Saturday.
Ooh! Game night? You know? Adult games.
Well, not "adult games," fun games, like Charades-- or as you call it, Pictionary.
It sounds like fun.
I'll just tell Homer and Homer, for the last time, do not drink the Yahtzee dice.
Fine.
(grunts) Ooh! Doubles.
Mm, I don't know.
We have church the next morning, starts at 11:00.
Oh, we're going to the game night.
Moving church to Monday afternoon.
(groans) Well, if you change your mind, please let us know.
We could become "couples friends.
" Now, let me try some of Ned Flanders' No Alarm Chili.
You'll only taste the spoon.
Brilliant.
Why don't we have any couples friends? (groans) Because couples friends are a myth, started by restaurants with tables for four.
I want friends! Any friends.
Okay, sweetie.
I'll call the Van Houtens.
Not the Van Houtens.
But They're always bragging about their trip to Rome.
It was 12 years ago, and it was a layover.
I want new friends.
LISA: Can I make an observation? I'm okay with no friends.
It's easier to focus, and it'll give me great material for whatever art form I choose.
Right now, I'm thinking long novella.
Good night.
Okay with no friends? That's the saddest thing I can imagine my daughter saying to me.
BART: I can think of worse.
The saddest thing would be if you were driving and texting Lisa and you hit her.
And the last thing she texted before she died was, "I got your message.
" Good night.
Well, they all make good points.
ANNOUNCER: And now, the moment of truth on Topiary Wars.
This Taj Mahal should be floated down the Ganges.
I'm sorry, Cathy.
Turn in your shears and ladders.
Come and get 'em! (laughs maniacally) (grunting) Oh! Thank you.
Why was that on the Military History Channel? We're going to that game party, and we're going to be charming and witty.
You're not going to eat too much, and we're not going to stay too late.
MARGE: You will not sing unless there's a sing-along, and never take the tray out of the caterer's hand.
Don't be too loud, and don't be too quiet.
When you're too quiet, you get that psycho look.
(jittering) And stay in the living room.
Don't go to their kids' room and watch a basketball game.
Can I check out what toys they have? No.
(groans) Dinner party at the neighbors'.
At least I can drink.
One drink.
Wha?! Walking distance, Marge! I've been looking forward to this all week.
DUFFMAN: Don't show your wife this app! Powering down! You were charming enough to win me, and that day you didn't have a drink in you.
Marge! Homer! Mwah! Mwah! (quietly): Homer.
You know, I have more cheeks.
(chuckles) I'd like you to meet my wife Wallis.
(deep voice): How ya doin'? Wallis has unearthed the most delightful entertainment to thrill us for hours on end.
It's a murder mystery, and we're all suspects.
(crowd gasps) Great! I've always wanted to try and solve a crime.
(crowd gasps) Please, everyone, read your bio.
(gasps) I am a humble farmer from Yorkshire.
Humble I can be! That's the spirit! Wallis and I have found this game to provide a full evening of divertissement, building in suspense to a masterful climax.
We've rented costumes you'll find accurate to period and conducive to character.
We will serve food and wine appropriate to period and palette.
(excited murmuring) We've programmed music to cover every dramatic event.
Hired a Foley artist.
(steady galloping) I believe the mare has a slight limp.
(erratic galloping) Yes.
Yes! So, for the next three hours, I welcome you to the moors of Question.
Uh, it says here the murderer is Admiral Wainsworth.
Who's that? (crowd groaning, murmuring) You've you-you've given away the game! Well, you know Why you! (both grunting) Thank you so much! Now Wallis will once again withdraw into melancholia! (monotonous): Birth, school, work, death.
Worth, drool, shirk, breath.
Mirth, cruel, quirk, meth.
Just so you know, mer, you were going to be a dashing Russian count with multiple lovers! Well, as we say in Russia, "Good-bye in Russian!" Do svidaniya! Uh, nice night for a walk.
(sighs) I'd like to be alone for a while.
You want to be more alone? Yes.
More? Mm-hmm.
What the?! D'oh! (groaning) That's good.
Okay, I slept on the couch and I flipped the sweaty cushions over.
What else can I do? It's okay.
I mean, those people didn't even want us at that party in the first place.
I think it's time we learn to live with being ostracized.
Mmm Don't you dare say "ostrich eyes"! Because uh Oh! Oh, okay, okay! What should we do? Nothing.
I give up.
No more dinner parties.
Our whole social life will be us watching TV and you going to Moe's.
I see.
(quietly): Woo-hoo! (rattles) Well, if that's how you think it has to be.
Yes, for us.
But not for Lisa.
Never for Lisa.
We're going to help her make friends.
It might be easier with Maggie.
She's always getting letters from the day care center.
Those are past-due bills.
They'll get their blood money.
And Lisa will get a friend.
After this, we'll do makeovers.
(groans) So where are all the friends? I don't know.
I invited everyone that Lisa's ever met.
Who are you? Gus Huebner.
I was on Lisa's coed soccer team two years ago.
Well, Lisa's gonna be here in five minutes, and the only kid who showed up is Gus freakin' Huebner.
Watch your mouth.
(groans) Oh, no, you're right, Homer.
Abort! Abort! Oh, no.
I was the only chump who showed up at this train wreck.
Well, I'm not leaving till I get a party.
Fine, fine.
Homer, give him a party.
(The Streets of San Francisco theme playing) (Homer shouts) Gus Huebner? Is that you? (chuckles): I wish.
That kid can play youth soccer.
Are you guys okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
I'm fine.
Yeah.
That's Nothing's going on.
Right, right.
Nothing.
What's for dinner? Pizza.
Mmm.
Lots of pizza.
So, as her teacher, I was wondering if you could tell me why Lisa has such trouble making friends.
Marge, this is when I normally eat lunch.
So I'll just tell you Lisa is unique.
And we're done.
All right.
For some reason, square dancing is a part of the gym curriculum.
Now, I'm gonna open the divider to the girls' gym, and if you don't find a dance partner within ten seconds, there is something very wrong with you! Hmm.
(groans) Aw.
That's tough luck, Lisa.
Looks like you're dancing with Groundskeeper Willie.
Careful of your toes.
I got me cleats on! I'll dance with Lisa.
Tumi? But you're from the other second grade.
We only come together for tornado drills.
(groans) God, I hate square dancing.
It ain't gym class if a fat kid's not crying.
Let's do this thing.
(plucking notes) (playing lively music) Swing your partner, swing her hard Do-si-do while I bombard Hey! Ha! Ho! Ha! Do-si-do while I bombard Oh, thank God, the clock says 3:00 'Cause I have to take a pee.
(school bell ringing) Finally.
But I won't push it, I promise.
See ya.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Um, I was going to All Sales Vinyl after school.
The vintage record store? Yeah.
You want to come with me? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, yes, yes, yes! ("Stolen Moments" by Oliver Nelson playing) (strained): They will fit.
They will fit.
(grunts) Yes! Hmm.
Nobody likes jazz that much.
Even the guy playing it had to take drugs.
It's so much fun to finally have a friend who likes the NPR show Wait Wait Don't Tell Me! as much as I do.
PETER SAGAL: So, Carl Kasell, how did the House Minority Whip do on our news quiz? CARL KASELL: Well, Peter, he got two out of three right, so he wins me recording his outgoing message.
MAN: Oh, that's okay.
Really.
No, no, no.
Please don't.
KASELL: It's not optional.
(both giggling) See, Marge? Problems will work themselves out if you just leave them alone.
Mm-hmm.
Want some more smoothie? As long as you load up on the kale and chia.
Oh, no one likes veggie smoothies that much.
Or at all.
Hmm.
Something's fishy about that girl, and I'm gonna follow her till I find out what.
And I'm gonna help you.
I think I'll need you back at headquarters manning the phones.
Great.
What do I say? Just let 'em ring.
Got it! They smile in your face All the time they want to take your place The backstabbers Backstabbers They smile in your face All the time they want to take your place The backstabbers Backstabbers All you fellas who have someone And you really care Yeah, yeah Then it's all of you fellas Low-down, dirty.
What do you want? I've got two things for you.
This envelope will change your life for the low, low price of five dollars, and I'll throw in a piece of great advice.
Tempted? What's the advice? Don't open the envelope.
(snickers) Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
(gasps) Mom paid her to be my friend? (crying) That's mine.
It's for my library card.
(groans) You don't want to be here.
(whimpers) Neither do you! (whimpers) Mom, how could you pay someone to be my friend? Answer me! Oh, I wouldn't say I paid someone to be your friend.
I just gave her money for records and ice cream.
HOMER: You gave away ice cream?! I would've found a friend eventually.
You couldn't wait a damn decade until I got into college? (crying) Oh, Lisa.
Lisa, wait! (crying) Oh, God, oh, God.
I'm the smart parent.
I'm sorry she rejected your "I'm Sorry" cake, but, in a way, I'm not.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I like cake.
Marge, don't feel bad.
You did what any parent would do.
No, I think I went too far.
Let me tell you a little story about a chubby unpopular boy named Homer.
Is that the boy you named me after? It is you, you idiot! Whoa.
Little Homer had a devil of a time making friends.
No one wanted to come visit him.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands.
I paid a couple of boys, Lenny and Carl, to make my Homer feel loved.
A relationship I continued to this day.
You pay Lenny and Carl to be my friends?! Yes, but Barney's yours for nothing.
Aw.
Hmm.
Well, that makes me feel better.
(lock clicks) Lisa's door is unlocked! Dad, is that story really true? (laughs) I wouldn't pay ten cents to a lion to stop him from eating you! (groans) Lisa, just say something to me.
I'm gonna tell every psychiatrist I ever go to what you did.
(voice breaking): A mother's greatest fear.
(crying) LISA: Wow, I made Mom cry.
What unimaginable power.
I can use this to get anything I want.
But right now, all I want is for Mom to stop crying.
Mom, stop! Stop! Stop.
I'm sorry.
Oh Please stop! (cries, snorts) (sighs) You're not mad anymore? I'm fine.
Fine.
It's funny, but hurting your feelings made me feel better.
Mm, try to forget that.
But when I grow up, I'll find other weird kids, and we will have the most intense relationships ever.
And I'll always love you.
Aw.
Happy Mother's Day.
Mother's Day?! Mother's Day?! Crap! Okay, initially I was just gonna be your friend till I could afford a nice belt.
But I like you, Lisa, and I want to keep being friends with you.
Great.
But from now on, we have to be totally honest with each other.
You're absolutely right.
I'm not really a vegetarian.
Have you ever tried horse meat? They eat it raw in Japan, and and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 25  >  The Yellow Badge of Cowardge
The Simpsons s25e22 Episode Script
The Yellow Badge of Cowardge
(cheering) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (clamoring) Okay.
Next question.
Yes.
Will there be another Simpsons movie? LISA: Our Lord, Buddha, says, "The secret of existence is to pass beyond fear.
" My brother is about to meet fear and as usual he won't pass.
Wake up, Lis! It's the last day of school! (groans) Wake up, Maggs! It's the last day of school! (singsongy): Last day of school! (metal clanging rhythmically) Last day of school! Found my summer hobby! Banging pots together! Don't worry, Marge.
As a favor to you, I'm enrolling that precious little jerk in this fresh air summer camp.
That's a prison road crew.
I did that last summer.
I'm not allowed back.
(humming) (whirring) Good-bye forever, multiplication! (slurps) Uh needs more numerators.
Ah, "July 4th" What the? No fireworks?! Can't this stupid city entertain me one night a year?! The city's broke.
The fire department has to raise money by delivering pizza.
My baby! Back ribs! Marge, when you're broke, that's when you got to keep up appearances.
The Fourth of July is the one day a year when our city puts on her high heels and tube top and leans into America's car window.
(crying): God bless her.
LISA: The last day of school.
Field Day.
When you learn to balance an egg on a spoon and run with your leg tied to someone who wouldn't talk to you all year.
Hey! Are you coming to the after-school pool party? Not now.
(giggles) Aw no fair! He actually has three legs.
You lay off my son Tripod! He won fair and square, just like my twins Wheel and Barrow.
Now, take you brother to the face painting.
But don't make yourselves up to look all freaky.
One, two, three, toss.
(laughs) The eggs are supposed to be tossed between students, not at the principal.
Once more and hurl! Aah! We will do this until we get it right.
Look, do you want this to be your last school memory? (groans) Pull harder! What is wrong with you people?! Hey.
I have thumbs, too.
(chiming) (yells) I like the Play-Doh that comes out the back.
See you next June, Macaroni.
(door latch slides shut) And now the climactic Race around the School.
Previous winners include Sideshow Mel, SeÃ±ora Bumblebee Man and Olympian Edwin Moses.
I'll bet your biggest hurdle was leaving your beloved hometown.
All hurdles are the same size.
Man who is this loser? I've got a secret, Bart.
That's good.
Want to know what it is? No.
My secret is I've been training for this race and no one suspects.
Check it out: I'm wearing a dummy tummy.
I'm gonna win and it'll change my life! Wow! Breaking that tape cured your asthma.
(deep voice): Marvelous! Ha-ha-ha! (guffaws) (gasps) (lisping): Six on Bart Simpson.
BOTH: Two on us to win.
$20 on Milhouse.
Milhouse?! (scoffs) That's a thousand-to-one odds.
Perhaps I should take my action to Willie.
(grunts) I ain't makin' book no more.
I lost the deed to my shack! You are late with the rent, Willie.
I'll have it by Friday, Mr.
U.
I swear.
We can handle your action.
(trumpet playing in the distance) Betting is now closed.
(panting) And now, the 79th running of the Race around the School.
Gun in the school! What the? Just, just go.
And they're off! We've got a pack of fifth-graders on the rail, Simp-son holding down the center while Database and Cosine are still testing the wind speed.
As the runners go into the first turn, Lewis is in the lead! Followed by Lovejoy's daughter, Fat Tony's nephew, Brockman's little girl (screams) and Jailbird's kid! The Frank Sinatra kid well, he's doing it his way! Rounding out the pack are all the kids that we never see.
What's this? Milhouse takes the lead? The same boy who sprained his shoulder doing the Pledge of Allegiance? (panting) Uh-oh! If Milhouse wins this race, we're out a fortune.
Don't worry.
The race takes a turn through the trees where no one can see.
When Milhouse gets there, you know what to do.
Oh, yeah.
Totally.
I mean, it's so obvious.
Just punch him! Exactly.
Right in the nnn fff dee? There is no wrong answer! CHALMERS: And Milhouse, the boy nobody loves, is widening his lead! And what does he have to jump over? Nothing, that's what.
I'm out of here.
(grunting) Good job, Edwin.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! And when I win, I'm changing my name.
To something cool like Winnie! Did you come to give me a cup of water? (both grunt) The best day of my life just turned into every other day of my life.
LISA: Bart faced a terrible choice-- take a beating with his friend or slither off like a coward.
And like he did with every multiple choice question he ever saw, Bart chose "B.
" (crowd cheering) The winner is Bart Simpson! LISA: Bart won a blue ribbon.
But was it worth it? MARGE: Lisa! Bath time! LISA: Mom! I'm narrating! MARGE: The water's gonna get cold! LISA: Fine.
[]LISA: As the pin on the back of the blue ribbon made its way through Bart's shirt and into its housing, the seeds of his comeuppance flew out of the woods.
Son! What happened to you in the dark place behind the school? Something good? I'm afraid I don't remember.
Whew.
Well, it looks like Milhouse has traumatic amnesia.
He may never remember what happened to him.
The most important thing is, the race results are now official.
Now I've got to look at some severe cases of ice cream headache.
(theme from MASH playing) (Bart groaning) (gasps) Help me, Bart! (screams) Help me, Bart! (shouts) (gasps) Help me, Bart! (gasping) Why am I having nightmares? I'm no coward.
(screams) A chicken feather? Why would you hand this to me? Oh, you must've figured out I chickened out during the race.
Well, who are you to judge me? I suck? You suck! LISA: While Bart was being outwitted by a baby, something was coming to a boil in our pop's brainpan.
Marge, if this stupid, one-reactor town won't put on a fireworks show, I will.
I've mapped it out.
(laughs) Hmm? (groans) Maybe we should just light sparklers in the backyard.
Eh, I've had my problems with sparklers.
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! (screams) LISA: But Fourth of July fireworks were a different story.
They meant more to my dad than my Mom could ever know.
It was the one night of every year that he couldn't hear his parents argue.
He figured it was because they loved the fireworks just as much as he did.
I want to take a class! Why can't you be happy ironing my shirts?! I need space! Then close your eyes and go to Hawaii! LISA: With his mom gone, Homer needed a hero, and no one was a bigger hero than the magical little man behind the controls.
(fireworks whistling) Are you God? No, no.
But I shoot rockets into his a-face.
Here's-a my card.
Don't forget to treasure it.
Hmm.
Now let's see.
Which pants have that card? Board shorts, interested shorts.
Here we are.
Kaboom.
Giuseppe, I want you to come out of retirement for the greatest fireworks show of your career.
Why do you come here and remind me of a time in my life when I made a-tons of money doing a-what I love? If the Expendables movies have taught us anything, it's that people do their best work after they're old and forgotten.
Well, I am younger than Sylvester Stallone.
I will do it! Hey, buddy.
Bart, my truest friend.
I brought you a cake.
Read it.
That's an odd message.
But who am I to argue with icing? Will you watch Cassidy the Crocodile with me? Um, that's kind of a baby show.
It's all I can handle now.
(sighs) Henrietta Kitten? Will you marry me? Meow, meow, maybe.
Why would a kitten marry a crocodile? Wouldn't it eat her? (shushes) Suspension of disbelief.
Friends help friends in trouble.
No! Turn it off! It's too intense for me! Some guys just can't handle crocodiles.
Is it over yet? (chicken clucks) And if you're dissatisfied for any reason, I will refund your money in the form of acorns.
(groans) Hey, this gunpowder, it has a-crystal meth in it.
Crystal meth? Then what the heck did I sell to them Colombian drug lords? Brandine! We're feuding with the Escobars again! Does that mean I ain't talking to Maria? Duh! Yes.
Homer, we will get the fireworks someplace else.
The pig's been eating the C-4 blocks again! (burps) (dog barks) We've invited a new athlete to join our do-gooding dream team.
Please welcome fleet-footed phenom, Bart Simpson.
(crowd cheering) Hey, everyone.
I sure got a lot of attention for winning this year's Race around the School.
(crowd cheering) Completely deserved! Yeah, yeah.
Thank you, Mel.
But I am not here to talk about myself.
Milhouse, would you join me at the podium? (clamoring) What's going on? Seriously, what-what's transpiring? I've got to set things straight.
During that same race, my friend Milhouse was in the lead, when something horrible happened! LISA: Bart knew the worst thing to do was pile lie upon lie.
And that's exactly what he did.
Rather than try to figure out what happened, Milhouse had the courage to move on.
To me, that's a hero.
(crowd cheering) Nicely done.
Now we will give out free rubber bracelets.
Do not wear them to bed.
They smell like truck tires.
They're disgusting.
Crotch or forehead? Uh, forehead for once.
Wha? Bart Simpson! You ran away when I was getting beat up! (crowd booing) Bart's a coward! He lied to us! Stop the tattoo! Uh, I could make it a bag of groceries.
All right, make sure there's some French bread sticking out.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow! [](crowd rabbling) Look how he runs now! LISA: So Bart was revealed as a coward.
And now it seemed like the whole world was against him.
(screams) (panting) MALE ANNOUNCER: Have you ever considered a reverse-equity mortgage? That's what put me in this dump! Grampa, everyone's calling me a coward.
Well, join the club.
Anyone who makes it to old age has got to be part-coward.
Come on, you were in World War II.
Do you know how I survived D-Day? (retches) Don't worry-- just a day at the beach.
I'll be back around 1946! But don't people hate cowards? Sure do.
But we outlive the brave.
Leaving us cowards to make time with the heroes' widows.
After Korea, I was drowning in boobies.
Wow, that sounds pretty sweet.
Well, there is a price.
Do you wake up sweating in the middle of the night? Yes.
So do I.
But I get back to sleep by counting the men I let down.
There's Jerry, Izzy, Brooklyn, the O'Donnell boys, the lost ship PT-108, the Poor Buggers of Meatloaf Ridge, the Andrew sisters (snoring) (gasps) I understand.
You have standards.
(gasps) This is an angry sleepover.
I'm only doing it 'cause it was on the books.
LISA While Bart was in hell, Homer was happily surrounded by fire and brimstone.
Okay, let's make some fireworks.
Now drive slowly and a-carefully to my workshop.
It's in-a the Cobblestone a-District.
Oh, thank God-- a rickety bridge.
Don't worry.
We'll be safe in the Gas a-Lamp a-District.
(tires screeching) ("Stars and Stripes Forever" playing) Can I pitch something? Go ahead.
Boom! Biddy bom-bom boom! Biddy bom bow! Ba-dip-boo! Boom! Boom! That's-a nice.
(laughs) Sometimes when we touch The honesty's too much Wrong holiday, Charlie Brown.
(overlapping chatter) Yoink.
Ha-haw! We're on it, ma'am! Okay, coarse gunpowder, get the ball in there, don't forget the wadding, tamp, tamp, tamp, fine gunpowder in the pan, firing stance, take careful aim and (grunts) Uh, yeah, not enough tamping, Chief.
Coarse gunpowder, ball, wadding, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, fine gunpowder in the pan.
Come on Aw, my boy's having a bad night.
We should get this show on the road.
No, the time is not yet right.
When they look at their watches and mutter, "Hey, when are these a-jerks going to a-start?" That's when they're ready to be enchanted.
Come on, let's go! I can't stand to see my family unhappy on America's holiest day.
Actually, July 2 is when congress declared independence, the date that-a should be celebrated.
Hey, Super Mario.
Don't you tell me about America! Idiot! I'm-a right! No, you're a-wrong! "July 2"-- I am quoting John Adams! Who the hell is that? (both grunt) (all screaming) Oh, dear.
The term "target audience" is taking on a sinister connotation.
Milhouse, this is my chance to make things right.
What are you up to now? Get on that bus! I'll explain during the explosions! Don't a-panic! We'll be okay as long as the sequence doesn't a-start.
Hit Bart's dad in the butt! Roger that.
Did you factor in the wind? No.
Sometimes when we touch.
The honesty's too much Don't worry, boys! I'll be with you all the way to Berlin.
(cackles) (all clamoring) (coughing) So, who is our hero? I hope it's Carl.
Nah, no such luck.
I was just Tweeting a picture of what I thought was my last meal.
Hot dog and French fries! (all gasping) Milhouse is our unlikely savior! MAN: Quit explaining everything, let him talk.
Well, it wasn't me.
It was Bart who Saw everything you did.
Milhouse is the hero.
Take it from me, the boy who's lied throughout.
ALL: Milhouse! Milhouse! Oh, I get it now.
Thanks, Bart.
LISA: So Milhouse got the redemption he deserved, and so, in a way, did Bart.
ALL: Coward! Coward! Coward! LISA: Which meant that, at long last, my brother could get a good night's sleep.
(slow melody playing on piano) Oh, enough doom and gloom! (playing upbeat melody) []Look, Maggie, I undid my deed.
So I'm just gonna take your feather and say good night.
Oh, where are these coming from? Oh, I see.
That's all you wanted.
How's that, kiddo? (clucking) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY HOMER: Sometimes when we touch GIUSEPPE: The honesty, she's-a too much BOTH: And I have to close my eyes and hide GIUSEPPE: I wanna hold you till I die HOMER (laughing): One more year, tops.
GIUSEPPE: I live-a longer than you.
I take a senior spin class.
Always I'm increasing the tension.
HOMER: Then, burn on you 'cause you'll be holding onto a dead guy.
(laughs) GIUSEPPE: I wanna hold you A-till the fear in me subsides HOMER: Believe me, if you're holding onto a 300-pound dead guy, fear is not gonna be your problem.
GIUSEPPE: Congratulations, you have ruined a beautiful song.
HOMER: It's a song? I thought we were just riffing.
GIUSEPPE: I apologize to Dan Hill and all of our viewers.
HOMER: I don't! Shh! HOMER: Usher, will you stop that person who's shushing?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Moonshine River
The Simpsons s24e01 Episode Script
Moonshine River
D'oh! This is Kent Brockman at the 1st Annual Springfield Grand Prix, which, like all our town showcase events, is not only poorly planned, it's horribly executed.
The Making of the Empire State Building, Part One: The Basement.
Aw! Wait for the gap Wait for the gap.
Homer, we can buy Scotch tape tomorrow.
There's the gap! Gap's too small! Huh? A peloton? Apparently, today is also the final stage of the Tour De Springfield bike race.
Hey, that's some fancy riding.
Truthfully, today, there were no losers and no winners since both finish lines were tangled up in this unholy mess.
I hear tapping from inside.
What's goin' on? Well, uh, let's, uh, all start tapping our toes to the sounds of Scab Calloway and his non-union band.
Uh, keep it down in there.
So, is this a "date" date or just a meaningless friend thing? Meaningless friend thing.
True love super date! Well, if you two ever get serious and have a baby, it'll look something like this.
Don't listen to Uncle Bart.
Lisa and I will raise you in a house of love.
We're not having a baby.
Jimmy! Oh, brother.
Let's dance.
Geek leak! Hey, Bart, at least I've got a date.
Dance with me, please.
I need to zing my sister.
Okay, but you have to do your homework.
Just move your girdle, Yertle.
Hey, Lise, your dance partner just made the cover Dorks Illustrated magazine.
I know that's a zing, but still the cover! Now, you listen to me, Bart.
Milhouse may not be the perfect date.
Please let there be a "but" coming, please! But Landed it! At least I'm with someone who tries a little too hard because he really likes me.
Hey, plenty of babes have docked in Porta de Barto.
Yeah, for about a week.
But as soon as they get to know the real you, they departo de Barto.
That's why you're alone tonight.
Oh my God, is that true? Yeah, I'm afraid Lisa's right, son.
If the late, great Nora Ephron taught us anything, it's Oh! What's my other inflatable doll doing here? What? What? I ain't here with no one.
Oh, man, Lisa's right.
None of these relationships lasted very long.
Three days.
One recess.
Half a field trip.
Why did I have to get so needy at the planetarium? Boy, if anyone needs me, I'll be taking a popcorn bath.
It's a thing I read about in a Men's Health magazine in a dream.
Dad, can I ask you a question? How did you ever get a woman like Mom to stay with you? Look in the mirror, unplanned miracle.
Is that the only reason? Well, I also keep things interesting.
All right, who took the microwave? You see? Hey, what are you looking at? My ex-girlfriends.
Aw, boy, I feel for you.
Nobody likes to be rejected and it never gets easier, until you can drink.
Because then you can express your unfiltered feelings by drunk dialing.
Observe.
Hey, it's me again.
He's there, isn't he? Well, I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I'm inside your closet.
Um, that's awesome, but I think I'll visit my ex-girlfriends and prove they still like me.
Hey.
It's me.
I was thinking about you.
It's your birthday in like, three, four months? Would it be weird if I threw you a party? Eat my shorts! Drop dead.
Eat fist, jerk.
You've got a lot of nerve showing up here and not giving me a kiss.
Inappropriate! I miss you.
Stalker! Save me.
Mary Spuckler, you're my last chance.
She's pretty cute for Cletus's daughter.
Yeah, she liked to drink milk as a kid instead of white paint.
Is you one of my kids? No, sir.
Prove it.
A, B, C All right.
All right.
You convinced me, Einstein.
What you want? Is Mary here? I'm afraid Mary done run off.
We knows not where.
Dadgummit.
Do you think she still likes me? Um, hey, Brandine! Does Mary still like this boy? I don't know what that girl likes anymore.
She ran away after we engaged her to Old Man Wellbottom.
And I was gonna be a good husband, too! If'n I ever get out of this well.
All right.
All right now.
That's enough out of you.
But I just-- Oh, I can't believe she ran away.
And this isn't helping.
I better switch to the hard stuff.
Hey, Dubya.
I know where my sister run off to.
New York City.
New York? That's where Sesame Street is.
Do you ever wonder what happens to Oscar on garbage day? Yup, New York.
The big something.
This here's her address.
Good luck! I don't know if we should be up here, Bart Simpson.
And why is that? 'Cause the floor ain't finished.
Daddy just covers things with hay and says they're done.
Mom, can we go to New York to find this girl I used to know? Bart, that's sweet, but we'd need airplane money, hotel money And $500 for Yankee tickets, which turn out to be bogus.
Well, don't buy 'em.
But they're playing the Purple Sox.
Come on, Dad, you love New York.
Now, that your two least favorite buildings Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.
Lousy, outdated relics! Boy, do you remember what happened the last time we went to New York? Keep your meat hooks off my sister Marge or my goons will do a soft show on your solar plexus.
You're dead, J.
J.
Get yourself buried.
Tough cookie, huh, well, watch me take a bite out of ya.
I'm about to go out shooting and you just said who.
That's some lip you got on you.
How'd you like me to stretch it like a rubber band and snap you into last week? You're selling milk, J.
J.
, and I got a sour stomach.
Homer, that sounds like The Sweet Smell of Success.
It didn't feel like success.
Why, ladies? Why?! Son, you can dial down the crazy.
Your mother and I talked about it, and we found a way to get to New York.
It's all set, boy.
To save money, we're swapping houses.
But don't the people wreck your house when they stay in it? I didn't say I swapped our house.
Yeah, how ya doing? We're staying here for two weeks.
Lord, you're testing me, aren't you? Yeah, keep talking to your friend up there.
We'll be doing it on your bed.
New York style.
Look at this place.
Things have certainly changed since our ancestor Fievel came here.
Fievel was a mouse in a movie.
Yes, and now look at us.
Only in America.
Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash! Oh, geez, not this guy with his stupid little pushcart.
All Khlav Kalash! Used to be bookstore.
Books.
Come on, let's go find Mary.
This is the address her brother gave me.
Can't Dad take Bart while we seek out culture? You do that.
You know you're missing your clothes? I thought this was just a dream.
, man! All right, I'll spring for a cab.
Much better.
Here we are.
Anything you leave in a cab you'll never see again.
Hey! Oh, uh, oh, thank God you woke up.
Oh, I guess my search for true love is doomed.
You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy.
Which is that love doesn't exist, except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage.
After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kind of hates you but you can't get it together to leave.
I'll get us some ice cream.
What's the matter, darling? Thanks for asking, Duchess.
I'm sitting here waiting for a girl that's never gonna show up.
What makes you so sure? Girls don't like me.
I don't really like them yet either, but I think I'm gonna.
There's a storm a-brewing down there.
Well, there's a girl a-standin' right here.
It's me, Mary.
Wow, what are you doing for money? Well, it's not very steady and I'm kind of ashamed.
I'm a featured player on Saturday Night Live.
Mary Spuckler! Aw, I'm lying.
My whole life here is a bunch of lies.
I'm just a writer with a performing option.
Let's talk about something else.
Something nice.
So, this is basically what we can afford.
Okay, second balcony, partially obstructed view, no bathroom privileges and you must stipulate that, in emergencies, you can change a spotlight shell.
Well, at least I'll be able to say I went to a Broadway show.
You're not allowed to say that.
Oh, forget it.
So, Bart Simpson, did you really come all the way here just to see me? Yeah.
Plus, I thought I might get to see an air conditioner fall on someone's head.
But I guess that never really D'oh! Ow! What was that?! Is that your father? Bart, I want to see you again, but I don't want a grownup taking me back.
Meet me at the high line tomorrow.
Keep my secret! You little! Where's that ice cream?! Just once, I'd like your father to be on a jumbotron for something good.
Damn you and your fluted neck! So, what did you do with your dad? We're safe because you have to climb steps to get up here.
Can't move? No.
I thought there was no crime in New York anymore.
Giuliani! Gimme some news of Springfield.
They let Sideshow Bob out of prison again.
Huh, didn't know they still ran those trains.
How's your momma and your sister? Trying to find high culture at low prices.
No, Lisa! If you click that turnstile, it'll blow our budget! Aah! Whaah! Well, without them around, you and I can walk through the city holding hands, just like the menfolk do.
I could listen to your twang all day.
Would you care to hear it in song? 'Cause I wrote one 'bout you.
Can I do a rap in the middle of it? Or you could just listen.
Sir, may I borrow your guitar? Sure, sure.
It's the case that makes money.
A boy I knew turned up again Kind of liked him way back when Chased him round the livestock bend Rolling on my skateboard, pimping like a drug lord Well I'm on the cusp of womanhood And I like a boy That ain't no good at nothin' 'Cept making me smile That's Bart.
I thought my old ways I had shed But I sure missed his cylinder head Now that boy has a-come to me, oh, yes B-A-R, now where's that T? Where is it? I don't know Oh, that's Bart.
I really like you, Bart Simpson.
I've come to take you back, Mary.
Daddy? Sorry, honey, your mother misses you but she just can't say it.
That's 'cause the donkey busted her jaw.
She'll be fine.
Your mother too.
All right, Broadway's too expensive, the museums are over-curated, But Shakespeare in the Park is tonight and the tickets are free.
Get your cuckold's horns, neck ruffles, Yorik skulls! I'll take a cuckold's horn! It works! Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement.
Lad-ies and gen-tle-men, I have an an-nounce-ment-- That's not iambic pentameter! I'm afraid that tonight's show has been cancelled.
Huh? Why? Wherefore? The Baldwin brothers, who were, uh, playing the Monague family and the Sheen/Estevez clan, our Capulets, have quit the production.
You guys suck at acting and you ate all the potato salad.
No, you suck at acting and it's first come, first serve! I made that potato salad! Well, uh, idiot, it says Zaybar's on the package! He works at Zaybar's.
We all work at Zaybar's.
I'm so sorry.
You came to see Romeo and Juliet, not feuding families.
Uh, the long, slow line to leave the theatre forms on the left.
Aw, and we have to walk by a drum circle! Faster, man! More annoying! Not so fast! We came for Shakespeare and we're gonna see Shakespeare.
Anyone who wants to be in this, grab a doublet and meet me backstage! Is there, mayhaps, a bit of business for me? I was thinking amateurs only.
Well, my only professional job was playing a nefarious hot dog in an ad for Taco Bueno.
You fresh-made tacos will never defeat pre-boiled hot dogs! Please, I owe Yale Drama School $200,000.
They keep calling my mother.
Fine! You're in.
I must warn you, I have crippling stage fright.
Oh, for the love of God! For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
Our search for culture is thus concluded, For the Bard of Avon is well suited to a crowd with every cell phone muted.
Geez, I can't stop talking like this.
Hey, don't ever stop! Because, tonight, we made it in New York.
Those the people who took over the theatre? Pepper spray and power wash-- the New York hug and kiss.
Now, Mary, you listen to me.
I'm one-third your father and you're gonna come back.
If y'all will excuse me, I gotta freshen up for the ride home.
Enjoy your fancy-schmancy in-house for the last time.
Psst! Um, I've got to go.
Go where? Uh, well, since we're here, I'm gonna go try to get Al Roker's autograph.
Here you go, little fan.
Killer storm on the way.
Um, I gonna go try to sell this.
I'll buy it back.
Goodbye, Bart, and don't worry, there'll be other Mary Spucklers, including my sisters Mary Zeke and Mary Not Quite Right.
Aw! Bart, if any girl tries to fix you, let 'em, because you got a couple of big problems.
But mostly, you're great! Boy, you tell me where Mary's gone! I can't.
Boy, you squeal like a piggy for the hillbilly man.
I can't because Mary's the girl that proves that girls can like me.
And she wouldn't like me anymore if I gave her up.
So I won't, even if you torture me like you do the English language.
Well, if that ain't aren't the isn't.
I guess I just gotta let Mary find her own way.
Come on, let's head on back to Springfield.
Uh, one on-getter for the clickity clack, please.
You miss her, don't you, son? You want a picture of her for your wallet? Oh, she's somewhere in B-3.
Thanks, man.
Aw, look at that.
My little guy's finally realizing how complicated grownup feelings can be.
Well, at least it didn't end as bad as Romeo and Juliet.
No kidding.
I saw your reviews.
Hey! I specifically said, no critics! This is outrageous! Ooh, but they like .
I hope you enjoyed the show tonight.
And if you're worried about when the air conditioner fell on my head, rest assured it was a stunt man, and his family is being well taken care of.
But we're here to ask if you have an idea for a couch gag.
The best submission will be animated and appear on the show.
Do we screw them on the credit? No! For details, log on to TheSimpsons.
com.
I'm submitting mine now.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Treehouse of Horror XXIII
The Simpsons s24e02 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXIII
(screeches, whistles) (shouting gibberish) According to our Mayan calendar, the world will be destroyed at the end of the 13th baktun.
Unless we appease the gods' anger with a human sacrifice.
Don't worry.
We got a guy here we really been fattening up.
Is it you? Not me.
That guy.
More cricket fajitas! Oh, my brave, brave glutton.
I'll be so lonely when they sacrifice you to the gods.
(loud spit) What?! No one said anything about a sacrifice! Although I I did kind of space out during orientation.
All right already, let's get this done while our doomed civilization is still flourishing here.
Oh.
Any words of comfort? Oh, yeah, sure.
Even though you know it's coming, when you see your own beating heart, try to act surprised, huh? It's some kid's first time.
Fear not, my beloved blood offering.
(quietly): I have a plan.
Tell me, High Priest, are you interested in women? What priest isn't? Before we make love, would you mind putting a sack over your head? Is there any other way? (chuckles) Nice and tight.
Now enter the Room of Pleasure, Ooh.
and I shall join you shortly.
Now, uh, I got to warn you.
I'm into rough stuff.
Ooh, that's a good start, but, you know, make it hurt.
(sword whooshes) Heh.
Ooh! That whooshing sound is really turning me Oh! Uh.
Oh, yeah.
Ah.
(grunting) (groans) Quetzal H.
Coatl! We sacrificed the wrong person! Now the earth will be destroyed after the 13th baktun.
(shouting): Can you explain that in simple Ancient Mayan?! Of course.
There's no need to shout and scream.
Let's see, uh, converting to base 10, assuming for the birth of Jesus, invent and then carry the leap year, and the world will end in 2012! (relieved sighs) And it will be Obama's fault! (dramatic theme plays) Hey, uh, Marge, I'm setting my watch.
What baktun is it? Oh! (doorbell rings) Oh! What have we here? Ow! What the hell! (explosion) (Homer screaming and crying) Ow! Ow! (letters thudding softly) (yelling) QUIMBY: Welcome to the grand opening of our whatchamacallit, which, thanks to the lobbying of Lisa Simpson, we built instead of a new baseball stadium.
At least the pennant works both ways.
Professor Frink will now throw a switch, which will either answer certain obscure questions of subatomic physics or destroy the universe.
(electrical humming) (man coughs) Oh, my God particle! What is it, Professor? You can tell your grandchildren you were here when humanity finally learned that this accelerator is much too small to tell us anything important.
(crowd groans) Thanks a lot, Liser! That money could've been used for a war! (whirring) (whirring growing more high-pitched) (crashing) (crackling) (black hole slurping) (snores) (gasping) Aah! No one takes Willie's mop! (gasping) Take the mop! Take the mop! (sobbing) Huh? (slurping) (gasps) A mini black hole! (slurps) Whee! Oh, no! I got to take it away before more clueless kids fall into it.
Geronimo! Wha! (whooshing) I's rich! (slurping) I's poor and shack-less.
(slurping, objects clattering) (grunting) HOMER: Lisa, do you have a stray dog down there? Um, it's a lot worse than a stray dog.
Two stray dogs?! It's a black hole! That was gonna be my next guess.
Are you sure your next guess wasn't three stray dogs? Maybe.
HOMER: A black hole?! (hushed): I'm sorry, can we call it that? Yes.
It's the preferred term.
And most scientists believe that what enters a black hole never comes out.
But some think they may be a gateway to other universes.
Hey! Could it open a pretzel bag for me? Help a brother out, B.
H.
Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Guys! Stop throwing things in the hole! The more you throw in, the bigger and more dangerous it becomes! Come on.
You can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something.
Dad, don't pat it! Why shouldn't (screams) (chuckles) Why you little (grunting) (quiet choking) (gasps) I'm nature's perfect choking machine! (loud grunt) Okay, that's it! I'm putting a baby gate across the black hole.
And don't throw anything more into it! (groans) Yes, Homer? Dad, that's creepy.
Sorry.
("Gone Gone Gone" plays) I know we shouldn't feed this, but grease brings raccoons.
Gone, gone, gone Really gone Gone, gone, gone 'Cause you done me wrong Done me wrong Ah, ah Huh? Oh-oh! (slurping) (clattering) Quit bageling my English muffins! The black hole is looking a lot bigger.
Does anybody want to admit to throwing things in? No.
Not me.
Do we even still have that thing? And I have to ask, has anyone seen the cat? (whimpers) (excited chattering outside) Now what? Okay, it's possible someone may have started a business called Magic Craphole Waste Removal, but it wasn't me.
Ew! (Homer chuckling) (deep rumbling, whooshing) (pop) Yar! (pop) Yar, ar.
Stop! This is a black hole, not a lawn-and-leaf bag! If one more thing gets in there, it could reach critical mass.
I did it! I hit my first home run! LISA: No! (people screaming) I'm still proud of you, buddy.
And look! I got money to take you for pizza! You saw that I had the money, right? (grunting) (gunshot) (chuckling) (yelling) (grunting) (screaming) (thud, suckling) (debris clattering) (suckling) (all yelling) (gasping) (grunting) Welcome, trans- dimensional visitors.
We have received your many gifts with gratitude.
NELSON: Haw-haw! We have built our society around the treasures you have sent.
Our most popular magazine is your Presidents' Day Mattress Blowout insert.
Oufarite food is your banana peel.
(slurps) And we listen to all our music on the most wonderful device ever created, the Zune.
(chanting): Zune, Zune, Zune.
Treasures? Gifts? You've got it all wrong.
That stuff is just our old Wonderful stuff.
Enjoy it.
ALIENS: Zune.
(dramatic theme plays) Day 1: We bought this camera because strange things have been going on at our house in the dead of night.
And if anyone finds this footage after we're all missing or dead, remember me as a hero.
Dad, you forgot to pick me up after Little League.
You tossed your car keys in my bean plant.
A hero! FLANDERS: Homer, is that my camera? Hero, away! Night 1.
Want to snuggle? (smooching) Not with the camera on.
Uh, I turned it off.
Looks like the red light's on.
I swear I am not filming! (whispering loudly): Note to self-- edit out my lies.
Oh! (tape fast-forwarding) (door creaks) (door creaks) (loud thumping) (tape fast-forwarding) (loud thud downstairs) (whimpering) (both yelp) Wait! Don't kill the monster without me! (Marge screams) HOMER: I'm right behind you, honey! We have stairs? (thumping) Ow! D'oh! Aah! D'oh! (continues grunting, thumping) What the? Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! (continues grunting, thumping) (flames crackling) HOMER: What the? (gasping breaths) Why is this happening to us?! I don't know, I don't know! I'm sure I don't know! HOMER: Oh, sweetie.
Sometimes a mysterious, invisible being from Hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them.
Now, go to bed.
But Uh-uh.
School night.
Now, you're sure I bought enough cameras and extended warranties to catch that ghost? Sir, whatever happens in this house, these cameras will pick it up.
Ooh, I can't wait for tonight's massacre.
(tape fast-forwarding) Hey, Marge.
(low grunt): Mmm Oh.
Like what you see, huh? (low grunt): Mmm I like it when you don't say words.
Come here, you.
Mmm (chuckles) Mmm (singing a melody) (tape fast-forwarding) (continues singing melody) (tape fast-forwarding) (continues singing melody) Eh, eh.
Yeah, that's hellfire, all right.
Someone in this family has made a deal with the devil, and now the devil wants his due.
Now, remember, this creature feeds on your fear (cuckoo clock chimes) What the hell was that?! (sobbing loudly) Actually, he feeds on more than just fear.
(door creaks) (wind whistling) Give back my baby! DEMON: We had a deal! Mom, what's going on?! DEMON: Don't act so surprised, Marge.
You knew this day was coming! Let's see what we're dealing with here.
(grunts) It's Moe with wings! Moe Szyslak? Come on, he's much more hideous and evil than me! (all agreeing) (crying): I brought this on us all.
It began when I was a girl (deep grunting) (in unison): Hail Satan.
What are you doing? Trying to summon the devil.
Why? Nothing good on TV.
We have no boyfriends.
We're bored.
Something to do.
Hail Satan, the Minister of Sinister, Rude Dude with a Bad 'Tude.
(Selma and Patty grunting, choking) (gasps) Save us, Marge.
We'll never make fun of any man you date or marry.
Mmm.
Uh, Mr.
Demon? Mmm? Could you come back for my sisters later? (Selma and Patty grunting) Very well.
You have 30 years.
But when I return, Marge, I shall take your favorite child.
I thought I was the favorite! Not the favorite! Not the favorite! Listen, pal, you seem like an honest guy.
Mm.
Is there any other deal that you can accept? Three-way.
Hmm.
You, me and Marge? Mmm, demon, demon, you.
(heavy sigh) I guess it's one of those things a dad has to do.
Now, before we start, what's the safe word? Cinnamon.
Ooh, I like that.
Now, I'd like to try something new, if you don't mind.
(laughs) Cinnamon.
Cinnamon.
Cinnamon! Cinnamon! You know, it's really not fair.
You're charging 200 bucks for a comic that says 25 cents on the cover.
The only way to buy that comic book for 25 cents is to go back to 1974.
That's impossible! Mmm? (quietly): Or is it? (zapping) Wow, it worked! My time machine has worked! This is the most fantastically powerful invention in mankind's history! Here, kid, hold my keys while I grab some lunch.
(humming) (whirring) (zapping) I won't be needing this! (zapping) Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.
(humming happily) Eh, pretty good.
A little preachy.
MAN: Well, well, well, if it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble.
Hmm? Allow me, gentlemen.
It's Homer! Before his boobs came in! (Homer whistling) Hey, Homer.
Who are you? I'm your unwanted son from the future who killed all your fun! Why, you little (grunting) Excuse me.
Is this room 106? (instrumental version of "Close to You" playing) (choking) Let go of him! What kind of jerk strangles a little boy?! Would you go to the prom with me? Promenade? With you? Forget it, bub! (grunts) It was love at first sight, and you ruined it! It was not love at first sight! What do you know? I know who I'm in love with! You're looking at him.
You're an idiot.
You're the idiot! (gasps) Don't act like I'm the first person that ever said that.
You are the first person who ever said that! Shut up and go to the prom with me! Ay, caramba! If you guys don't get together, what does that mean for me in the future? (gasps) I don't exist?! Or my life might be a hell of a lot better! Ma'am, whatever you do, do not marry that ape.
Mmm.
Whatever you say, little boy.
(laughing) (growling) Come here! Now, to return to a future where I'm either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich guy's house.
Either way, better than now.
(whirring) (tires screeching, zapping) (Bart laughing) Stupid kid steals my future.
Well, I'm going to (gasps): Ice cream with cookie dough?! Unnecessarily big TVs! Thursday Night Football? And the globe feels so warm! I am in awe of the future.
(Wiggum snoring, muttering) Okay, that's not so great.
Here's your smoothie, sweetheart.
Why would I suck smoothie when I can suck face with you, Mrs.
Artie Ziff? (both moaning) My dad is Artie Ziff? Indeed! Which makes you Barty Ziff.
Oy, caramba! Achem! Good morning, beloved son.
Enjoy your luxurious life, including your own bully butler.
Will that be haw-haw, sir? Give yourself a wedgie.
Excellent choice.
(grunts) I've met some jive turkeys in the '70s, but that turkey's the jivest.
Hey, you! This is my peeping tree.
Young me? What brings you to the present? I traveled through space and time to make Marge settle for me because she doesn't know better.
Well, if we put our heads together, we could think of a plan! I got to ask, what happened? Was I in a forest fire or something? No (whip cracking) I love my life, I love it not.
I love my life, I love it not.
You're just like Indiana Jones, son.
A role played by Richard Dreyfuss in our universe.
(doorbell rings) I'm here to take my life back! I thought this might happen, so I mastered Brazilian jujitsu.
Crawl atop me, and meet your doom! Not so fast.
Say hello to the United Federation of Homers Through History.
(Italian accent): Crush them in the name of Jebus! Okay, guys, let's regroup.
We'll come back with more Homers and start fresh in the morning.
(yelps) ("Close to You" plays) (unimpressed): Oh, what's she doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm realizing that I married the wrong man.
Oh, you poor, sweet, simple Homers.
I was supposed to be with all of you! (grunting gibberish) Even you, Caveman Homer.
That's Renaissance Homer.
Well, cardinal or cannibal, I wish that 20 years ago, I had chosen love.
Mmm Let me get this straight.
None of you had time to take out the garbage? Make Egyptian Slave Homer do it.
It's always me.
(laughing in unison) (screams) (eerie organ music plays) (aah!)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Adventures in Baby-Getting
The Simpsons s24e03 Episode Script
Adventures in Baby-Getting
Oh, man, not another election.
Why do we have to choose our leaders? Isn't that what we have the Supreme Court for? (humming) If you're gonna vote, we'll need some photo I.
D.
But I lived here all my life.
Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans.
But I'm a 40-year-old white guy who didn't go to college and gets all his news from monitors at gas stations.
In you go.
Barack Obama? I don't know.
I already got one wife telling me to eat healthy.
Plus he promised me death panels, and Grandpa's still alive.
Mitt Romney? I hear he wears magic underpants.
I expect the leader of the free world to go commando.
Plus his horse totally choked at the Olympics.
On the other hand, he did invent Obamacare.
COMPUTER VOICE: Thank you for voting for Mitt Romney.
You may now see his tax returns.
Wow.
Medical deduction for personality implant? He's got six wives all named Ann.
The government paid him taxes for five years! I've got to tell the press! (gasping) COMPUTER VOICE: You are now being outsourced.
Oh, I hate being sucked into tubes! (grunts) Well, at least I got a steady job.
D'oh! Oh! (humming) (bubbling) Hummingbirds, hum and get it! (chuckles) (chirps) (yowls) (chirps) Homie, the faucet is dripping.
I'll get right on it.
Homer, when are you going to fix this faucet? I'm on it! Are you going to fix the faucet or not? For the third time this year, yes! Hmpf! "I'll get to it, Marge.
I'll get to it" When we first got married, he'd only take six months to do things.
Mom, how come you didn't do my homework last night? (all gasp) (all scream) Oh, no! Lisa's face, it's the same! (chuckles) Everyone, relax.
I think I've got an emergency sinkhole kit in here somewhere.
(grunts) (grunts) Ooh! (air his Oh, man, I got to climb stairs? Forget it.
No one stays in the sinkhole! Lousy surface dwellers.
So, what seems to be the problem? Springfielders are getting that sinking feeling (chuckles) as the dangerous sinkhole continues to expand.
While this sinkhole is larger than the Sarlacc pit which swallowed Boba Fett, it is smaller than the Geonosis battlerena where Jango Fett was beheaded by Mace Windu.
Weren't those two places about the same size? I didn't know this was an ambush! Eh, you know, in this town, you learn to adjust to things: runaway monorails, NASCAR star Jeff Gordon.
Hey, Moe.
Hey.
Bet we never see him again.
I'm gonna call it a day, Moe.
(humming) (gasping) Hey, hey, hey, hey! That plank's only for coming in! (gasping, screams) Try to land on the other traitors.
(men grunt) People of Springfield, please be cool like Lou.
Yo.
We will eliminate one eyesore with another by bulldozing our tire fire right into the sinkhole.
But my car's down there! For the first time, my administration has solved a problem.
The hole has been filled by the thing it fears most: stuff! (gasps) (crowd cheering, camera shutters clicking) (groans) (bell rings) (kids laughing) So, just when my dad finishes his online degree in Sinkhole Engineering, they go and fill it in! Are the credits transferable? No.
That guy has a bone to pick with the Board of Regents.
Hey, Lisa's not getting on the bus.
Where's she going? I don't know.
Dork farm? Who cares? She never doesn't do what she's supposed to! This is major! Fine.
We'll follow her.
Well, if they're not taking the bus, neither am I.
I'm going to a accident! Lisa's taking a cab? I'm worried.
Does she even know how much to tip? (tires squeal) What's it say? "The five boxing wizards jump quickly.
" Whoa.
My sister's finally become mildly interesting.
Sounds like a case for the "Detecti-pals.
" Taxi! (horn blares) Ah, they never stop for blue-heads.
Hello, ma'am.
Are you and your husband here to look for a new car? No, I'm here to buy one myself.
Uh-huh.
Well, I think the Tissan Sensibla is the car for you.
It's got all the features that a modern woman wants, including all manner of makeup mirrors.
This car looks a little small.
Is the engine powerful? Wow, somebody knows her cars.
This baby comes with an RX-12 2-cylinder.
Well, that's odd, because the consumer Web site says the RX-12 2-cylinder has a dealer's invoice of $14,700.
(chuckles) You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna talk to my manager.
This says you are the manager.
Those Web sites are taking food out of my children's mouths.
It says on your Facebook page you have no kids.
I have two Yorkies, and I'll be talking about you to them tonight! I got to hand it to you, Marge.
You got the exact amount of car for our family.
Room for two adults, three kids and zero grandpas.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh! Do you hear that rattle? I don't hear anything.
Me, neither.
(sniffs) And what's that smell? I think it's "new car smell.
" Well, I don't like it.
(tires screech) (humming) (humming continues) (kids cough and groan) I still smell it! (starter chugging) Darn car won't start.
Let Automobile Von Bismarck give it a try.
(engine starts) Well Hmm.
Well, it wouldn't start for me.
(hushed): I think this car's a lemon! (groans) Worst car ever! I can't believe it! Hmm (groans) MARGE: The wipers wipe backwards, and the defroster lines on the back window are too close together! Excuse me! Sir, the car is fine.
Can I be straight with you? Mm-hmm.
As a mechanic, I'm not totally qualified to judge mental health So, you're not totally unqualified.
I think the problem is in your wife's head.
Mm-hmm.
There's a psychological reason why she hates this car.
Oh, a reason? What could it be? I'm sorry, but there's no diagnostic computer for the female mind.
Wow, an auto mechanic who tells the truth.
Mmm! If you want me to examine your wife overnight, I can arrange a loaner.
She's an '83 Yugo.
(Yugoslavian accent): I don't do laundry or kiss boo-boos! Uh, no, thanks.
Marge.
Mm-hmm? Do you think maybe there's another reason you don't like this car? Um, a "feelings" reason? What are you talking about? Well, maybe you and the car got off on the wrong foot.
When do you think things first went wrong? All right! I remember we all got in.
And by the way, that backseat is pretty tight for the kids.
I mean, I don't know what we'd do if we had another baby.
(gasps) With this car, we're basically saying no more babies.
No, no, Marge.
I want you to explore your feelings.
Homer, the reason I hate this car is I think I want another baby.
An "on purpose" baby?! I do! Oh, I really wish I had fixed that faucet.
Homie, I want another baby.
What about, you know, "Stinky"? Maggie's not a baby! Her soft spot's been skulled over for the last three months! Being a mom is who I am, and I'm not done being who I am.
Okay, Homer, don't speak.
If you must make a sound, whistle.
When your wife looks at you full of hope, with an idea that would destroy life as we know it just smile, nod and stall, stall, stall until she changes her mind.
Whatever you want, sweetie.
Well, take a shower, 'cause we're gonna try it tonight! All right! "Try it" means sex.
Whoo-hoo! Homer, why do you take a three-second pause before you answer what I say? Just appreciating how lucky I am to be with you.
What a wonderful thought.
(Homer, Marge laughing) Boxing wizards.
Boxing wizards.
What's she up to? Let's settle this like adults.
Wands down! Maybe I should go on antipsychotic meds.
Bart! What are you doing in my room?! Lowering your blinds.
I'd hate for your carpet to fade.
What are you doing Tuesdays and Thursdays after school? What do you do Tuesdays and Thursdays after school? Write stupid stuff on the chalkboard.
And if you have any ideas, I'm really running out.
Today's was "mousetraps are not slippers" or something.
Now, what are you up to? A gentleman doesn't ask, and a lady doesn't tell.
Can I use that on the chalkboard? I guess.
Gentleman doesn't ask, lady doesn't tell.
Now all I need is one for Martin Luther King Day.
My husband and I have been snuggling six ways from Sunday And let me tell you, a towel rack will not support your weight.
But we aren't making a baby.
I thought we should check to make sure Homer has you know, working stuntmen in his cannon.
You were wise to check, Marge.
What do you mean? (chuckles) Take a look at this.
HOMER: Ooh X's for eyes.
I guess that's that, then.
Honey, I am so sorry.
I guess we'll just have to learn to love the three children we have.
Oh BART: Lisa's going somewhere after school two days a week, and all we have are boxing wizards.
If we're gonna find out what Lisa's up to, I'll need the help of all her old boyfriends.
Guess we've all carried the same books, huh, guys? (scoffing): She carried mine.
This just became a tree house of horrors.
Whoa! (thud) MILHOUSE: It's okay! I landed on a mattress! Whatever it is, she's in over her head.
Way over.
We got to save that poor girl.
Uh anyone know how we get home? We got bigger problems.
It's Father Mike! Tura lura lural (gasping) I can't believe we're never going to have another child.
Is everything okay over here? Sorry, guys.
Private family moment.
No, it's okay.
We can share this with you.
Homer can't make a baby because he nuked his swimmers.
Aw, that's a shame.
Yeah.
That's why I wrap my plums in tinfoil every day.
Eh, nothing we can do.
Hey, Homer what if you got back one of those samples you sold years ago at the Shelbyville Sperm Bank? You never told me about that.
It's true.
That's how I got the money to buy you your necklace.
Aw Ew.
Homie! We still have a chance! Okay, Homer.
This is the moment of truth.
You've got to tell Marge you really don't want another kid.
I, uh hope it's twins! Eh, how bad could it be? (shrieks) Now, I'm thinking Alex if it's a girl and Xander if it's a boy.
Uh-oh.
She picked names.
Who puts this much thought into having a baby? Stall, stall, stall! Hey, uh Hmm Why don't we take the longer but nicer historic route? Then today will be nothing but beautiful memories.
Okay.
HOMER: Watch it! Ooh, a Christmas ornament museum! Can we stop? Okay, but just for a minute.
We want to hit the candle store, Fudgerama, the Zipper Hall of Fame, Snow Globe World and the Taj Meatball.
I think that Shiva used to be Paul Bunyan.
What's Detention doing here? I need to know what's up with Lisa.
If her grades drop, we're not technically a school; we're a tornado shelter with voting booths.
Nothing exceptional here.
Except blue reinforcements.
Only one person I've ever known uses these: my predecessor, Principal Meredith Milgram.
(gasps) Follow me, but be warned: There's no permission slip for what we're doing.
WOMAN: A quick movement of the enemy will jeopardize six gunboats.
That's about three more jeopardized gunboats than I'd expect.
Thank God we brought the bus driver.
Huh? Seymour, what are you doing here? Taking four children across town to investigate a piece of paper we found on the ground.
Don't you have better things to do? Sadly, no.
Same old Seymour.
I know why they're here.
Because they can't let me have a secret.
It drives them crazy.
LISA: Cursive writing.
I'm learning cursive.
All these sentences have every letter of the alphabet in them.
Ooh, don't they teach those fancy squiggles at school? Uh, we do not.
Outmoded, no room in the budget, and all the teachers forgot how to make a capital "Q.
" Two loops and a flourish.
Luckily, a few brave students still want to learn.
I hope you're happy.
You all just wasted your time working your way into an afterschool class.
(horrified cries) What fun! (bell jangles) I can't believe we spent the whole day here.
(chuckles) And I got to try every flavor of candy cane: white and red.
Well, maybe we should check into a motel.
(kissing noises) MARGE: Ooh, Homie, you've lost weight.
HOMER: What's that, baby? Wha? I'll take it from here, wingman.
(chuckling) Oh, it sure was nice to have a day together as a couple.
Yeah, no kids to ruin it.
I thought the whole point of this trip was to have another baby.
Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.
So, you don't want another baby? How long have you felt this way? Uh, well, looking back, I guess it started sometime before Bart was born.
(whimpers) Room for one, please.
(squeaking noise) Honey, I'm sorry.
It's just that we have a hard enough time handling three kids.
Emotionally, financially, the boy I just didn't know how to tell you.
Just yell across the house like you do everything else.
Okay, good, we're talking.
We're not talking! Your phone just dialed me.
You were pocket-dialed! Hey, the pocket wants what it wants.
Oh They just leave the maple syrup on the table, huh? How about that? That's trust, huh? Shush! MAN: Now, kids, help your brother Xander.
There he is.
The fat, pathetic slob I'd be with four kids.
Where's Daddy? Where'd Daddy go? Here he is! (laughing) Oh, right.
That dad was there all along.
Whew! That was so sweet.
Maybe there's no such thing as too many kids.
MARGE: I know what Homer's thinking.
He's thinking that he really wants a baby now.
So this should be the time, ironically, that I'll change my mind and not want one.
Well, no way! I want one more than ever! (grunts) Uh-oh.
I I don't think I rewound the video the last time I was here.
Um, I'd like to get back a donation made 15 years ago by a Simpson, Homer.
Or it may be under the name Thad Supersperm.
Homer Homer, this is the point where I really have to know what you want.
I'll tell you what I want, Marge.
I want to make another Simpson.
The table with four legs is sturdier than the table with three.
Cubes are made of cheese, but pyramids are schemes.
And anything that's half you is guaranteed 50% perfect.
Oh Nice speech, but the last of your sample was just selected by another couple.
Are you sure there isn't more? I mean, there's always a little ketchup left in the bottle.
I'm afraid not.
But the couple is waiting in the room there.
Maybe you can talk them into something else.
(Homer clears throat) Aah! Oh! I'd like to buy back my sample.
Are you saying our sample came from you? Here, it's yours.
We don't need it.
Well, I expected a little argument.
No, no, no, look in the mirror-- that's your argument.
Geez.
I mean, I'm no Luis Guzman, but I'm all right.
(Marge gasps) Homer? How many samples did you sell? Uh remember that Corvette I had? I thought they only paid $50 a trip.
Exactly.
Well, we're all set.
Let's make a Thad Supersperm Jr.
With a name like that, he could be president.
Homie, maybe we should wait.
Wha? Maybe there's enough Homer in the world for now.
Oh.
But I was really looking forward to Oh oh, boy.
Uh You're right, Marge.
I don't want to bring more kids into a world full of my kids.
Yah! Two adults, please.
Enjoy the film, you two.
(laughing) Another thing that would be harder with four kids.
You know, I always send the theater manager a check the next day.
D'oh! ALL: D'oh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Gone Abie Gone
The Simpsons s24e04 Episode Script
Gone Abie Gone
(school bell ringing) (belches) ANNOUNCER: And here they are, the Sofa Speedsters-- the Simpsons on Brown Lightning! The Piggly Wiggums! The Bumble Buggy! The Greed Hornet! Dr.
Groom! Glasgow-A-Go-Go! Hick Dastardly and the Franken-continental! We'll be sitting pretty at the finish line! (crashing) (engine chugging) (cackling) Beat ya! D'oh! Pushy sign! Don't tell me what to try! Homer! Dr.
Hibbert told you to eat healthier! I don't recall that.
Well, I do.
Eat healthier! You too, Julius! I heard you were at Loretta's Diner on "Catfish Friday"! How do you know that? You got your brother following me? Chester needs a job.
I paid him to build a shed! Where is my shed, Bernice? (hushed): One onion rings, please.
Can I borrow ten bucks from the cash register? I've gotta get drunk before a party.
(stressed-out murmuring) Excuse me.
A homeless man is giving himself a sink bath! (stressed-out murmuring) (kids yelling) Karate class is here and hungry! You got any scented candles? (fryer beeping) (Homer screams) Ow! This is the worst pain imaginable! This one's cold.
Mr.
Simpson, your injury was no accidÃ©nte, it was negligÃ©nce.
My burns have affected our (whispers): intimacy because all night, I talk about how much money I'm going to make from the lawsuit.
Money? What I am concerned about is your burns.
(grunts skeptically) They have healed much too quickly.
Sit still while I give your head the "third degree.
" (screams) Oh, God! It hurts worse than the burns! Yes, these are special acid markers.
Homer Simpson, you shall receive $5,000 after legal fees.
Pay up, Krusty.
It wasn't even my place! Man, I got a bad lawyer.
So, uh, what are you gonna do with the money, Homer? Well, thought bubble Marge said we should put it in a college fund for Lisa.
So where's the money now? I put it in the bank.
That place is great! On their wall, they had a photo with an old couple walking on the beach with their pants rolled up.
Uh, Homer, we all wanna walk on a beach with our pants rolled up, but, uh, banks are not as safe as they used to be.
Yeah, when you give the bank your money, they lend it to other people! I saw a Sesame Street about it! Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything.
Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit, too? All the frogs on that show are Kermit.
Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.
That settles it.
No banks for me.
I'll tell you where you should put your money.
The one safe place left in this world of woe: What the? I'm not gonna gamble with my daughter's future.
Nah, you don't have to bet the money.
The poker website just keeps it nice and safe, where the FDIC can't get its grubby little hands on it! A poker site is now safer than an American bank.
Has our nation-- built on people suing because their onion rings were too hot-- come to this? Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't you badmouth this country.
Compared to the rest of the Third World, we're doin' great! Open file, click and (cash register dings) invested! Hey, Lisa, check out your college fund! You put my college fund on a poker site?! It's a classy operation.
See? The little dealer's wearing a bow tie-- cute! Wellat least I have a college fund! On a poker site! More importantly, it's a college fund.
On a poker site! Dad, please! Sorry.
Check out my new T-shirt.
(sighs) Where did you get that shirt? I've had it for a long time.
I was just about to throw it out, and then this happened.
Mwah! (rattling) That's one way to avoid drunk driving.
Another way is don't drink.
I'm not Superman.
Homie, do you know what yesterday was? Ha! Of course I do! Happy anni birth entine Shark week? Yesterday's the day we were supposed to visit Grampa! What the?! Stupid calendar.
First you put the Fourth of July on Sunday, and now this! Oh, we're gonna discuss this later! Okay, remember the plan: Apologize to Grampa.
Then when he wants us to take him out to lunch, point to the leftovers, tell him we already did, but he forgot.
I still feel guilty.
Your father's not going to be around forever.
Marge, you take that back! Fine, he'll be around forever.
You take that back! (sighs) (sighs) We're here to see Abe Simpson.
Abe Simpson?! Uh, excuse me.
(curious grunting) I'm very sorry to tell you your father is missing.
Missing?! What kind of a prison are you people running here? If it's any consolation, we'll probably find him when the river thaws in the spring.
A lot of bobbers then.
There's gotta be a clue in here somewhere.
Spats, sock garters, the world's hardest hard candy Oh, it's hopeless! This room is like a museum of meaningless old crap.
By which I mean every museum.
Grampa's army footlocker! I bet the most important things in the world to him are in this box! So precious Look at that, a man's whole life being kicked around on the floor.
MARGE: "Spiro's The place that changed my life" Flimsy lead, take me away! Okay, baby, let's see the flop.
Damn it! Lost again.
(trilling, blipping) (cash register rings) (gasps) Are you playing poker with my college fund? I'm only down $62.
Not counting my tips to the waitresses.
Get your hands off my future! Fine, fine.
New low, even for this family.
College fund on a poker site.
I'm just gonna log right out.
Hm.
Get out of here! Huh.
Two queens.
That's a great start.
Well, maybe I can just win the $62 back.
(beeping) Four queens! Yes! Yes! Gambling, eh? Satan's most potent recruiting tool! All due respect, Mr.
Flanders, could I have a little privacy? Please? Thank you.
(cash register rings, game trills) Yeah! $50 up! (laughs) Time to play with house money! Or time to walk away from the table.
Shoo! How did he? Can't let Lisa lose her sense of wonder.
(grunts) (dogs growling) (both whimpering) (patrons murmuring, laughing) Excuse me, have you seen this man? We don't like questions, man.
Yeah, but I'm just trying to get information, like a nosey reporter or an undercover cop.
What'd he say about a cop? Or a spy from a rival gang? Hey, what are you doing? (screaming) (Homer gibbering) Abe Simpson used to work here.
Put him down! Ow! (sneezes) Welcome to Spiro's! I am Spiro.
Not the Spiro on the sign.
That's my brother.
Did you say my dad worked here? Yes, in the old days.
When people ate steak, drank champagne, and the music oh, the music! I hated the music! (swinging be-bop playing) Hmm Simpson! I pay you to clean tables, not to write songs.
And you, Marvin Hamlisch, I pay you to write songs, not to clean tables! What can I say? I like to pitch in.
(Spiro speaking Greek) (plays light melody) My heart does the two-step When you waltz in the place HOMER: Wait a minute! My dad was an aspiring songwriter like Charles Manson? I never knew that.
You know who would sound good singing that song? Me.
Rita Lafleur singing one of my tunes?! Can a 35-year-old busboy's life get any better? My heart does the two-step When you waltz in the place Yeah, my ticker beats quicker When I look at your face Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace Busboy, that breadbasket napkin's so opened up, you can see everything! Disgusting! You're fired! Hey, you can't do that! I just turned sweet on him! Yeah! Be sweet on him in your own sweet time! Why did I ever leave Greece? Oh, that's right, 'cause it's a train wreck.
I never saw either of them again.
If you find your Dad, tell him sorry from Spiro Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolop odopotopolis.
Got it.
Papadapaconstanti-kasgianopolop odopotopolis.
Now, what was that singer's name again? Rita Lafleur.
Rita La-what? Lafleur.
One more time.
Ugh! I'll write it down for you.
Thank you Mr.
Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolop odopotopolis.
(gasps) There's exactly one Rita Lafleur living in Springfield! That's where we live! Hello? Rita Lafleur? Did you know a man named Abe Simpson? Know him? I'm married to him.
(gasps) Homer, she's married to your dad! Whoo-hoo! I get two Christmases! I've read every expert on poker, and watched Jennifer Tilly's DVD.
Start with your senses Marnie.
Use the little girl voice, and take them for everything they've got.
Now, I'm need on the set of Bride of Chucky V.
Time is money.
Money is money.
And money is college, which can lead to more money someday, but who knows anymore.
Tim, what are you doing? Bible trivia.
You've been doing that an awful lot lately.
The Bible is rich with trivia! I can't believe my Dad never told me he had another wife.
The man I looked up to my whole life.
You never looked up to him.
Well, it's a good thing I didn't because I'd be pretty devastated right now.
I can't believe you're here.
I'd finally gotten over your father just a week-and-a-half ago, and then you two show up.
Well, we certainly don't want to cause you any more pain.
But we need to know everything, no matter how shameful.
And fast! I understand, but this is hard.
Yeah.
Well, just what attracted you to my father? Beneath his mediocrity there was genius.
Then a layer of anger.
Then a beautiful soul.
Then some more anger! A lot of layers.
(scat singing) (song ends) (sighs) After we were fired from Spiro's, we teamed up for more than music.
Oh, Abe! (moaning) Yeah! MARGE: Mm, that kind of romance leads to children.
RITA: Faster than you'd think.
I was alive when my Dad knew you? Alive, but very clueless.
So this was after Homer's mother left? I love men on the rebound.
They always think they've done something wrong and they usually come with furniture.
My Dad had furniture?! I don't know him at all! RITA: One day, when we were walking through Proposal Park, Abe popped the question.
We got married in the city hall, across from the prettiest church you ever seen.
Then tragedy struck.
(yelling, screaming) (screaming continues) (tires screech, thud) HOMER:Hey, I'm starting to remember why I don't remember so much.
We celebrated in your hospital room.
Our first night together as a family.
We didn't know it would be our last.
(phone rings) Hello? Abe! They want to book us on a European tour! That's fine, doll.
Real fine.
Why, we'll (electricity crackling, Homer yelling) (electrical buzzing) You know, Europe's no place for a six-year-old.
He can handle 110 volt, but 220 would kill him.
But making music is my dream, Abe.
Our dream.
I know, Sugar Tomato, but I'm all the family this boy's got.
If I don't take care of him now, he'll forget the day he's supposed to come and see me when I'm old.
Are you okay, Daddy? Well of course I'm okay! I'm with you! Good-bye, Rita.
This is why "life" comes before "love" in the dictionary.
(sniffles) Aw, thanks, son.
Now to make sure neither of us ever remember this.
(sniffling): Oh, my God.
I never knew the sacrifices my father made.
Move over, Fonzie.
I've got a new hero.
I never saw Abe again.
But I thought you still loved him.
Life isn't all major chords.
Sometimes you gotta hit the minor keys.
What does that mean? I got super-addicted to heroin.
(sighing) (snoring): Yeah.
Okay, education paid for, with a gap year to find myself.
Every nerve in my body is screaming "Cash out now," and yet (giggles) I've got a pair of aces! Ha! Full house! Aces over threes! Take that, Rich Texan 001, and Sideshow Bob @ Springfield Penitentiary-- Hah! I'm going all in! Aw, doggone it! I give up! It's like Kenny Rogers' most famous line: "This is a bad piece of chicken.
" He didn't fold? But that's insane unless he has (gasps) Four threes?! Oh, no! No-no-no-no-no, no! (trilling) (cash register dings) (buzzing) I've lost, I've lost everything.
(sobbing, muttering) We can all hear you.
Please log off.
(sobbing) Aw, come on, Lise.
No gambling story has a happy ending except Seabiscuit.
But you never hear about the ruined lives of the people who bet against him.
(sobbing): Oh, God This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! I was Ivy! Strong Ivy! (sobs) Oh, man, this is priceless, but I can't keep it up.
You've still got a college fund.
What are you talking about? I'm Sideshow Bob! I've been using his avatar to play poker and trash his favorite restaurants on Yelp.
And I saved your vegetarian bacon.
Oh, my God! You won the pot? You must have nearly a million dollars! I can go to college and live like a Kennedy! Listen, after I won, the website found out we were both under 18, so we're back to the original $5,000.
Shame! Shame! Did you give the money back to the people who lost it? Good-bye.
Well, back to square one is a major victory in this house, but why did you help me? Come on! Tell me! Because I actually like you and felt sorry for you.
What?! You did? Forget I said anything! Sure.
I have the ending for my memoir! I'm sorry I couldn't help you find your father.
If you find him, tell him I can still do this.
Yeah.
Holy moley.
And tell him to put on a splash of this.
That's Dad's cologne? I always thought it was his old-man stink.
When I knew him, it was young-man musk.
Man, you're making me hot for my Dad.
Only place in town that still sells Chicory Mist.
After people found out it's 98% squirrel sweat, they sorta stopped buying.
Listen, do you know this man? Let me ask around.
Abe, you seen this guy? Oh, I know him.
He's a man who has no son! Dad! Abe, we were so worried! Dad, promise me you'll never wander off and make us explore your fascinating past again.
I didn't wander off, ya big fat salami! I ran away! What?! You think I'm boring, and you never visit me, and I got sick of waitin' for ya! So I got a job and found a new dump to live in and I didn't tell you about it, so at least that way I know you're not coming! Grampa, we will never miss a visit again.
And there'll be a lot more of them.
And I don't think you're boring.
It's just that in today's multichannel environment, you have too many great choices.
Look at Sunday night.
There's, like, eight amazing shows.
None of them on Fox.
Well when you put it that way, all right.
I can't say all is forgiven, but most is forgotten.
Aw (sighs) I guess my honky-tonkin' days are over.
(melody playing on piano in distance) What the?! Someone's playin' my tune! Don't take Grampa's meds.
I'm payin' for 'em.
(piano playing) Hey, Abe.
Good to see you again.
Rita! You look dynamite! And you look like you could use a good ironing, but I still love you.
Take a seat.
Yeah.
My heart does the two-step when you waltz in the place Yeah, my ticker beats quicker when I look at your face Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace! (both snore) Yeah HOMER: That's how wolves die in the wild.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Penny-Wiseguys
The Simpsons s24e05 Episode Script
Penny-Wiseguys
(exclaiming) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (chuckles) Diddily diddily, diddily, diddily Asterisk, pound sign, at sign, exclamation point! Don't worry, the Holy Rollers are still up by one on the Pin Pals.
MOE: Gentlemen, prepare to meet your various makers, there.
'Cause we got one last frame by our new anchorman, Dan Gillick.
Thank God Otto had that psychotic break and quit the team.
Is this the Bridge to Terabithia? (thud) It's beautiful.
Le jours ou mon frisbee a atterrie dans votre jardin fÃ»t le jours le plus heureux de ma vie And when you threw your son after it, I enjoyed meeting him, too.
He's a good boy.
(phone rings) (groans) Sorry, guys.
Emergency meeting at work.
Oh, please, I am missing eight birthday parties for this! Just granny-throw it! Keep my ball.
Well, looks like the faithful have defeated a hedonist, a Hindu and a What are you? You know when your dog's having a bad dream? That's who I pray to.
Boys, I'm afraid the government has finally caught up with me and my appeals are exhausted.
Tomorrow, I begin serving jury duty.
That's a tough break, boss.
Don't sign petitions outside the grocery store no more! I felt bad for the guy, sitting there at his little card table.
Anyway, I must name a temporary replacement.
Your temporary don is our accountant, Dan.
(all groaning) Fat Tony, a word? How about "meringue"? That's a great word, but (whispering): I'm just a numbers guy, and the only reason I say "numbers guy" instead of "Wharton MBA" is 'cause I want to blend in.
I know what I'm doing.
We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.
(all exclaim and mutter) (clears throat) Hey, listen, everyone, I know a good ice-breaking exercise.
Let's all say something that we are afraid of.
For me, it's you guys.
(quiet laugh) I'm afraid I might kill this guy right now.
Ring, ring.
Is that my phone? I think it is.
Hello? Yes, sweetie, it's Daddy.
Listen, how would you feel if I just disappeared? Sad, right? Sad? Okay, you know what? I'll tell the guys.
She's crying, guys.
Cassidy is crying.
Well, I hope you feel proud of yourself.
Cassidy is a girl's name now? (dramatic orchestral music playing) I know this music.
It was a Bugs Bunny! Oh, what I wouldn't give for an anvil to fall on me.
D'oh! Shh! Here comes Lisa's solo.
(playing lively blues) This is why I'm a season subscriber.
(exhales weakly) (all gasp) Lisa! When I prayed for this concert to be over, I didn't mean like this! I did.
Where's the school nurse? Here I am.
Budget cuts.
Lisa, I suspect you fainted because you thought Justin Bieber was in the audience.
(chuckles) Well, once again, laughter is the worst medicine.
Young lady, you're not getting enough iron.
Please say it's the vegetarianism.
It's not the vegetarianism.
It's a little bit the vegetarianism.
Lisa, if you must forgo meat, I advise you to take these iron supplements.
(clanging) It's like swallowing dollhouse furniture.
(chuckles) Gentlemen, look at what we are spending every month just on olive oil.
We love our bread-dipping.
Okay, can't touch the bread-dipping.
Here's what Joey the Arsonist thinks of your spreadsheet.
Heh? (laughter) Ha-ha-ha! This is fun.
But you know what? There is a cost-cutting measure I'd like to propose: If you put a horse's head in someone's bed, don't let the rest of the animal go to waste.
For the next guy, use the horse's leg.
Or a couple of hooves.
Believe me, there is no part of a dead horse that's not gonna scare someone.
Okay, good stopping point.
Aah! Okay (grunts) Was that real? (hacks) A kid's never lonely when he has bologna.
Except me.
(bell rings) (hacks) (sobbing) You're that Simpson kid, Bart, right? Lisa.
I just see mouths.
Can't handle the iron pills? All day I have vitamin burps.
Try this-- it's what keeps me young.
Mmm, tasty.
Love the texture.
What is it? Beetle mush.
(muffled gasp) But I'm a vegetarian! So am I.
Lots of committed vegetarians eat insects.
Really? Get real.
There's bug parts in peanut butter.
And every year, the average American eats eight spiders in his sleep.
It's all here in this book.
(mouth full): This is such a big step.
Better decide soon, kid.
The union said I can't talk to a student this long.
Mmm, that is good grub.
But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.
And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.
So, you're saying you'd rather do the prettiest dude in the world than the ugliest broad? Absolutely.
But how did we get here from discussing Aristotle's Poetics? MOE: Well, well, if it isn't Mr.
Work Comes Before Bowling.
I am turning my back because I can't stand to look you in the face.
(screams) Ooh! (screams) You.
(screams) Part of my new rice wine promotion.
So, now you think you can just waltz in here and buy everybody a beer? I didn't say that I Too late.
I already poured.
Oh, sorry, guys.
I got the kind of job that you just can't play hooky from.
Well, I have no idea what you do or who you work with, but I am sure if you put your foot down on their throats and grind until you hear a crunch, they'll sit up straight.
Really? You're sure about this? Oh, hey, listen, I learned a lot about human nature by watching things through secret cameras.
Uh-huh.
All right, then.
Okay.
We'll see about that bread-dipping.
Thank you.
Thank you for giving me an attitude.
Thank you for giving me an edge.
Or maybe it's groveling that works.
Hmm.
Eh, six of one.
FRINK: Attention, Gourmands of All Things Creepy and Crawly.
Please welcome long-time squisher, first-time eater, Lisa Simpson.
(chuckles) Delighted.
Hey, waiter, there's no fly in my soup.
Sorry.
Little more.
Little more.
Perfect.
Just-a once, why can't they go to Applebee's? Okay, fellas.
This time, why don't I do the cutting? What are you doing? I talk with that hand.
Well, you're gonna lose it if you keep charging your manicures to us.
If you don't like it, tough tortellini! And while we're at it, no more tortellini! I'm dominating you! Anyone got a problem? Huh?! Kenny the Problem? I'm good.
What's this I hear about no more tortellini? Only for Christmas and funerals.
No, please, please, I need-a the money.
She's-a pay for my-- how you say?-- English lessons.
My name-a Luigi.
I live at a-one, a-two, a-three, Main-a Street.
(humming) So, if I'm growing grasshoppers to eat, am I farmer or a rancher? There are going to be a lot of heated blogs on this topic.
MARGE: Lisa, dinnertime! (meows) (singsongy): Lisa eats bugs! Bart! This is America.
Anyone can eat what they want as long as they eat too much.
Lisa, would you like some shrimp? Hmm.
You know shrimp aren't all that removed from grasshoppers.
They're both arthropods.
Oh, you did that to help me out.
(grunts) Not sure what your motivation for that is.
Lunch break.
Make this quick.
I finally got a chair by the window.
I'm afraid the little Bulgarian lady will take it.
Bottom line, Tone, I cut expenses 12%.
As my more ruthless cousin on Wall Street would say, cut another 12.
But the only other cuts left are personnel.
There are redundancies.
Like Shotgun Pete, Shotgun Mike, Ronnie the Rifle, Shotgun the Rifle All good men, but some must go.
I agree.
I will announce the layoffs.
Welcome to the dole, boys.
(chuckles) You jedrool, in our business, you don't lay them off, you lay them out.
Right.
What? Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
(whispering): Oh, boy, you mean, kill them? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout.
Damn, she eats a quick lunch.
Got to go.
Nice breeze, huh? You have breasts like woman, but cannot give suck.
Quit saying that! Get along, little buggies.
If I may, just one question.
Why are you eating us? You don't feel any pain.
Wha?! Who told you that? Um I just assumed.
This is what you've been dipping in chocolate.
(Lisa gasps) Nooo! I'm afraid sooo! Nooo! Sooo! (gasps) Oh, thank God.
Just a dream.
(chuckles) (gasps) I've been meat-walking.
Bart, I can't eat bugs anymore.
Please, please take my grasshoppers as far away as you can and release them into the wild.
Okay, but when I grow up and I'm living on your couch, and I drink all your booze, and sell your jewelry, you got to be cool.
I'll be cool.
But I will not be sharing my mini-fridge with Homer.
He's there too? (grunting) Almost (grunts) Eh, free is free.
(whistling jaunty tune) He wants me to kill them! (shrieks) Sorry, sorry.
First of all, hi.
Hi, Dan.
Secondly, remember when you asked who I worked for and I wouldn't say (whispering): I'm a mob boss.
I'm running Fat Tony's gang while he's on jury duty.
(chuckles) Doodie.
Homer, that's not the shocking part.
Oh? He wants me to kill a bunch of guys.
I've got a gun.
Look.
(gasps) Oh, my God! You want me to help you escape? No! I want you to stop me from doing it.
You wha?! I want to do it, Homer.
It's the ultimate business model.
In my business, I try not to be seen.
I'm scary good at it.
Homer! Mmm.
Everything's led to this.
I remember, the first time I fired someone face-to-face, I cried.
I cried.
Saved the tear.
Please stop.
I just wanted my Frisbee back from your yard.
They fired me for not being tough.
I had learned that in order to succeed, you must disregard the dangerous distraction of being human.
And it brought me here.
You scratch a businessman and you get a coldblooded killer.
Well, I've been scratched! This is how I get out of doing the dishes.
Come on, buddy, why would you want to be a murderer? I don't know.
My training, this opportunity, it's like A perfect storm? I hate that expression! So overused! Okay, I don't I don't know why I said it.
I was scared.
I needed a response.
It was a perfect storm! Say something original! (nervously babbling) Uh, Greek thing, uh, grand b-banana of far-na of f-forever thing, bleeks blah-blah, a comma a com a commonality beret burrito.
Oh, it looks like a kidnapping in progress, Chief.
(groans) You always frame everything in the worst possible light.
Chief, can I ask-- why do you want to be a policeman? Adrenaline junkie.
My dad used to tie me up when the ice cream truck went by.
And now there's no amount of ice cream that will make me feel full, so this should work.
Yeah.
That's right.
Tie them tighter.
Mmm! Oh, that's good.
Oh, that burns.
Could you please not sound like you like it so much? Sorry.
I'm into a lot of weird stuff.
Now stay down here and I'll be back every hour with food.
And every six hours with food for you.
Thanks, man.
'Preciate it! Ah, look.
I have company.
Hello.
Hello to you and your friend.
It's a party.
(chittering) I'm going to call you Buggy, and I'll call you-- please don't go in my mouth.
All right, you can go in my mouth.
Just don't lay egg (gargling) ANNOUNCER: We now return to AFI Presents The 100 Greatest Movie Screams.
Number 60, from Teen Wolf Too (woman screaming) Classic.
(Dan screaming) Someone must be watching on another TV.
DAN (screaming): The bug! I really think that's coming from our house.
Will you stop saying things that'll make me have to do something? ANNOUNCER: Next, we've got three screams from Scream 3.
(three rapid screams) (Dan screaming) That was four screams.
Stupid AFI.
Boy, never go into their directors training program.
How about the Disney Minority Program? Now, how would you qualify for that? I'm the son of an oaf.
(scoffs) Have fun getting coffee for Roy Disney the Third.
Dinnertime.
(chirping) I know you're hungry.
I can hear you rubbing your legs together and Oh, my God! I never thought Homer Simpson would be a part of the Day of the Locust.
Thanks.
Now, turn around and get on your knees.
Are you gonna shoot me in the back of the head? No, I just know it takes you so long to get up I'll have plenty of time to escape.
(grunting) (sighs) I'll fix that later.
(ominous organ music playing) Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.
(gunshot) Johnny Tightlips.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now.
There's a great one, but you'll never get it out of me.
On vacation, he digs wells in Darfur! Damn it! We find the defendant ALEX TREBEK: And now it's time for Final Jeopardy.
Pay attention, players.
The category is You think you're so smart, Alex Trebek.
I remember when you were Alphonse Trebagoogoo.
HOMER: Stop! Make me! (Bart grunts) Come on! You said we were gonna see somebody get shot.
not guilty.
I'll have your money in an hour.
(ominous organ music playing) Dan! How do you keep finding me? You really should tweet less.
But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.
Just listen, if you kill those guys, you'll be as bad as they are.
I don't think so.
They've killed a lot of people, and they tell their wives they're working, but they're really just hanging out.
Look, just give me the gun before you hurt somebody.
Give it to me.
Oh, I can't kill you.
I knew you were weak.
If you think I'm so weak, give me back the gun.
You are weak, but no.
Let's see how weak I am with the gun.
No, I don't want to.
Give me the gun.
I don't want to see it.
You're making my mad and I want to shoot you now.
I don't have to see it.
Huh?! Give it to me! I can imagine it.
Give me the gun.
No.
Come on, weakling, get it from me.
I'm not You want I'm not weak with the gun.
Yeah, well, yeah, but see who's got it now.
When I have a gun, I'm not weak at all.
Yeah, well, you ain't so (glass breaks) (grunts) Clean-up on aisle me.
(groans) Okay, Mom, I think that's far enough.
Finally, a place where you can spread your wings and hop.
(chirping) We're free! No, no, I'm still gonna figure this out.
There was a corner here.
David Damn it, Judy, let me have this! So, Tone, you're sure you didn't order those fiduciary- related whacks? The important thing is we have severely cut costs by reducing the number of our guns to one.
And I have it.
Any further questions? Can I have the gun? No.
What happened to our friend Mr.
Gillick? I don't know.
But once your finger has felt the itch of a trigger, there is no relief till said trigger has been squeezed.
Sometimes late in life you find your calling.
The heft of the gun, the trigger in your hand Can you hurry this up, please? My daughter's got cheerleading practice.
Oh, I-I can go fast.
Ba-da boom! Could you please not do that? Is there some kind of problem here? And if not, can you do my belly button? Need some place to hang my badge at the sauna.
(scoffs) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  A Tree Grows in Springfield
The Simpsons s24e06 Episode Script
A Tree Grows in Springfield
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (yelling) (snoring) BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: It's the World Series, two outs, bottom of the ninth.
Yes, we're at the point where baseball becomes mildly interesting.
Can Homer Simpson, fresh off an anxiety dream about not studying for a high school test, come into this dream and knock one out of the park? And who'da thunk it? We're food too! And apparently I'm married to a pork chop and have drumstick children.
How did that happen? (snoring) BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: We're back (belches) The pitcher, Steroid Santa Claus, kicks and deals.
It's a long fly ball, going back! Back! And the ball shatters the sky, bringing the ocean itself down into the stadium! Whoa, Simpson just broke this dream's reality wide open! The groundskeepers are trying to put on the tarp, but it turned into a manta ray and stung them all.
Now, we'll be right back after this word from oxygen, which Homer desperately needs to live.
(gurgling) (coughing, spitting) MARGE: Homer! The roof is leaking! Water's coming in the house, and we've got carpet mushrooms.
Dad, all the jury summons you buried in the back yard are coming back up.
(humming) While you were out there daydreaming, this rain has ruined the house.
(sighs deeply) Marge, in a crisis like this, I need time for quiet contemplation.
What's wrong, Homer? You got an expression on your face I ain't never seen before.
Like one of them Charlie Brown wiggle-frowns.
I'm in an abusive relationship with life.
It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too cowardly to leave it.
(sighs) Maybe I could drink myself to death.
Eh, well, you can't.
Your tolerance is too high.
Man, I've never seen Homer looking this bad.
You're right.
He needs some professional help.
Oh yeah Ooh, someone is down in the Duff! Life is too fragile.
One minute you're lying in your hammock drinking beer, the next thing you know you're sittin' here drinkin' beer.
Homer, your bleak outlook has sent a smooth, icy chill down Ah, screw it.
I quit.
Janette, Cheryl, get your own ride home.
Aw, come on, Chief.
I've had a rotten day.
Can't you help me out? Sorry, I'm afraid the most I can do is pretend to drive you home.
Okay, now hop on my imaginary motorcycle arms around my belly (imitates motorcycle revving) Um, I'm gonna need you to chip in for gas.
Argh.
This is where the pretending ends.
Oh Now what? You're coming with us to the school fundraiser.
Can this day get any worse? The dog's got the mumps.
Dogs can't get mumps.
Well, then, explain this.
The only thing we know is it'll cost $800.
Ooh! (Western music playing) Willie, I love your chaps.
Me pants are ripped out! I don't care for silent auctions.
It just encourages hovering.
Oh Mm-hmm Oh! You know you just pushed it up to list price.
You know that, right? Edna, I'm not one for costumes, but I sure do like that feather in your hair.
I like how you make me feel good about the littlest things.
It's just you and me tonight, Buttermilk.
(imitating hoofbeats) Whoa.
Howdy, pardners, I'm much obliged to y'all for comin' out to the ol' corral here Skinner! People want to get home! Speak regular.
Fine, we'll start the raffle and skip the things no one wants, like art projects by your children or a spaghetti dinner with the Van Houtens.
So let's get right to the item I'm sure you're waiting for: the latest Mapple myPad! (all exclaiming) I could do my cyber-bullying on the bus! Remember when me gettin' a cell phone was a big deal? I bought you a ticket for the myPad raffle, Dad.
Aw, that's Tooth Fairy money down the drain, sweetie.
I never win anything.
It's always some stupid jerk you've never heard of.
And the winner is Here it comes Homer Simpson! Get him! I mean, woo-hoo! (crowd cheering) I just want to say I was having the worst day of my life.
Three cheers for Homer, minus the one we gave him already.
(crowd cheers twice) Okay, what else Free Tibet! You heard me! Free him now! Thank you.
Oh, my luck has changed! ANNOUNCER: This is Homer Simpson's 13th raffle and first win.
Apparently, his luck has changed.
(tinny fanfare plays) Greetings, I am Steve Mobbs, welcoming you from beyond the grave.
I left a half-eaten apple outside your store the greatest tribute of all.
The product you hold is like a giant expensive smartphone that can't call anyone-- it's that incredible.
Now press the "submit" icon, and agree to buy all our future products.
And we're gonna be making a lot of stuff.
Submit.
Submit.
I don't know, I Submit.
I don't want to.
Or you could buy something from Hewlett-Packard.
I submit! I submit! Yes.
Yes (humming happily) Ooh, that adult Etch-A-Sketch certainly has brightened your mood.
Oh, yeah! You can look at it this way or this way whether you want to or not and it's got awesome games like "Tapped Out.
" Oh "Virtual Stapler!" Sounds just like a stapler, and it never runs out unless you tell it to.
Here's one that gives you a cool '70s moustache.
I'm Sonny Bono.
Watch out for that tree! (giggles) So, which do you prefer, m'lady? Tom Selleck, Rollie Fingers, or Pringles Man? I always thought the Pringles Man had the kindest eyes.
Are you doing an app behind my back? Submit Submit Sub There ya go, Homer.
Boy, you know, when you're just here alone, I can really smell ya.
But I'm not alone.
I'm doing some FaceTime with Lenny.
It's like I'm skydiving with all my friends! Let me text Carl.
So, uh, what are you pullin' the ripcord with? Uh-oh.
Maybe there's a ripcord app I can use.
(Homer hums happily) MARGE: Homer, pay attention! Huh? What? Put that down! We're being audited.
The old stupid moustache'll win him over.
I'm really stupid.
Is that the myPad you're claiming as a business expense? I'm standing by that.
(groans) Simpson! Unhand your Edison slate and bring your gold-brickery to a caesura! Put down your myPad and get back to work.
Sorry, boss.
Your remonstrances are a welcome boon and surely will redouble my diligence.
Excellent! Awesome! Woo hoo! Pip-pip! Hmm Hey, Dad! Dad, check this out! Dad, over here! Dad, a mother giraffe is giving birth! Dad, look, I'm walking on the wall around the lion pit.
Dad, the baby giraffe is taking its first steps.
Dad, I'm walking on my hands, and the lions think they're gonna eat me! Will you kids pipe down? I'm trying to get "Churro-Chaser" to tell me where the freshest churros are.
What country is Mexico in? Dad, pay attention to your children.
Ugh, okay.
Aww.
That'll be my screensaver.
(yells) Just my arm.
(yells) (chuckles) Gotcha! Why, you little (screams) (screaming) (Tchaikovsky's PathÃ©tique plays) Homie, you want to read to Maggie before she goes to sleep? (scoffs) A paper-based read-a-majig? What are we, cavemen? (imitates caveman grunting) Sweetie, in the future all you'll need is this.
Homie it looks like you're putting all your eggs in one basket.
What would you have me do? One basket for each egg? Hmm, I guess you're right.
I guess I'll have to scratch that off the list of things I say.
Now, Maggie, let's find a good game for us.
Hmm, "Krusty's Kosher Karnival" "Words with Enemies" "Don't Burn the Toast," "Lenny Dykstra's Prison Break" ooh, "Pizza Clock!" Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Having fun, Maggie? How long have I been playing? Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
So that's how you make a pizza? Ooh, we really have been off-a the mark.
Mmm (raspy): Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
D'oh! (thud) Sauce, cheese, topping.
(groans) Flushy, go get help.
Homer, you're gonna be fine, but there's no hope for the myPad.
(sobbing): It still had 88% of its charge.
This is the part of the job I hate most.
Talking to crazy people.
(laughs) (groans) (grunting) Which of you is the YouTube of the kid high on dentist's gas? Is it you? Is it you? Is it you? (moaning) Oh, Lord, when things looked darkest, you gave me light, then you switched it off, knowing full well I had declined thy infernal Mapple Care.
Please grant me the wisdom to understand your capricious nasty mind.
And please, please make the next swing of the yo-yo an up.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
(sighs) Everybody hear that? Homer, Homer, it's a miracle.
Keep your pants on, Flanders.
(laughs): Oh, I will.
Till I go to bed and take them off under the covers.
But come outside and see the miracle.
Has the myPad risen? No, it's still where you buried it.
(Flanders humming) Here it is, the Holy Ooze.
This is your miracle-- a tree? Ooh, look at me, I turn sunlight into complex sugars.
Big whoop.
Look a little closer.
Huh? "Hope.
" Is this one of those coincidences like Jesus on a tortilla, or George Washington on a dollar bill? Well, I like that its message is in sap and not in blood.
Like some miracles I could mention.
(clears throat): Passover.
Well, this is how God would send me a message: in my backyard, hammock-adjacent, one short word in large print.
What do you think he's trying to tell me, Flanders? Well, sir, if you ask me, somebody up there is trying to tell you that whatever flat tires you've got in your life, God's there with his little spare and it enables you to drive real slow till you get to the next station.
Don't eat the miracle.
Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God.
That's not crazy.
Ah, looks like you're really turning something over in your mind there, Homer.
Moe, I could believe this was a random occurrence or I could believe some higher power reached down and squeezed the sap out of that tree.
I'm choosing hope.
Moe, a bottle of your finest beer.
Here you go.
Duff Adequate.
To hope! Wow, no one's ever been happy in this place before.
And when I started it was Moe's Ice Cream Carnival-- not good.
(organ playing) Of all the gifts the Lord gives us, perhaps the greatest is hope.
Uh, excuse me, Reverend, but I'm here to talk about something a little more important: hope.
But I was just (sighs) Oh, fine-- I can get an early start on mountain biking.
Hope is here, people, and it's real.
It's not just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me.
So come and see the sticky brown truth.
(all cheering) Ooh-ooh, child Things are gonna be easier Hope is all around me! Ooh, child, things'll be brighter (grunting) Ooh-ooh, child Hmm.
As promised, the miracle.
Really? "Other"? Cletus, what does that tree say? Now, now, let's spell it out like that social worker taught us to do.
Huckleberry, Overbite, Picklefoot, Edumacation.
Oh, it says hope! Just like in Hope Floats, that Sandra Bullock movie I wrote.
This is newsman Kent Brockman, vowing I will debunk this so-called miracle.
The idiotic things people believe in.
Now, stay tuned for your lucky lotto numbers.
It's your turn for sure.
(crowd clamoring) A hundred dollar bill for anyone who will give me the truth behind this so-called miracle tree.
I'll take your money.
The tree's a fraud.
I just got a hundred.
The tree is real! What you got against hope anyway? I bet something disillusioned you as a child.
(gasps) This is junior reporter Kenny Bockelstein, investigating the stories that kids want to know.
(locker opens) Mr.
Mouse, how come you haven't been in any funny cartoons since 1933? I'm on a break, kid, and when I'm on a break, the mouse is dead.
The mouse was a man.
His teeth were yellow.
His breath was rancid.
My innocence was lost in a plywood castle.
The castle is plywood?! (groans) TV ANNOUNCER: Bumblebee Man is moving to Channel 6.
Adios, ocho.
You no pay.
Uh-oh, he's got his own chimp.
(chimp yelling) Senor Chango! Teeny's a girl? Oh, wait, he's just a bottom.
This is Kent Brockman at the site of the so-called "Springfield Miracle.
" The question is Is the hope tree a miracle? Most decidedly not.
Flying the Channel 6 traffic copter without official clearance and below legal levels, we obtained the following footage.
As you can see here, a shadowy figure emerges from the darkness, walks up to the tree in the Simpsons' backyard, and if we freeze and zoom in on the image, We clearly see the figure holding a syrup bottle with which he writes the word "hope.
" Supermarket maple syrup.
It was no miraculous tree of God and there is no hope on Evergreen Terrace.
Just a run-of-the-mill, syrup-spraying mystery man.
We can add this to the list of Kent's Closed Cases.
Would you please get the segment straight? Just lose the graphic.
(groans) (groaning) It was all a hoax.
Let's burn our hats! ALL (chanting): Hope is dead! Burn the lies! Thank God there's no alcohol in this bar, or this place would really go up.
(groans) (groaning) Homie? Aren't you going to come in? I don't know what to believe anymore.
Maybe it's time to call Satan.
Is that a 212? Don't call Satan.
So what if the message wasn't the miracle.
The answer isn't in syrup from God or a computer tablet.
The answer is that you hope you felt was real.
Marge, up till now, I thought your hair was just blue cotton candy, but now I know it's a solid loaf of brain.
Homie, you have such a way with foods.
Let's go inside.
Who do you think painted the word on the tree? No idea-- the important thing is that they did.
Guess it must've been the person who knew I needed hope most of all.
You're all I need to get by (snoring) You know, we've got a new version of that tablet.
But I just got this three months ago.
Yeah, that's the kind of thing I do, and yet I still wound up here, as your boss.
Can I get Christmas off? It's my kid's birthday.
No.
When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore (tires screech) When the world seems to shine like You've had too much wine That's amore Bells'll ring, ting-a-ling-a ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling And you'll sing "Vita Bella" Heart's play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay like a gay Tarantella When the stars make you drool Just-a like a pasta fagiole, that's amore When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet You're in love When you walk in a dream But you know you're not dreaming, signore (screams) 'Scusa me, but you see back in old Napoli That's amore When The moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore That's amore Bells will ring Ting-a ling-a ling Ting-a ling-a ling And you'll sing "Vita Bella" "Vita Bella," "Vita Bella" Hearts will play Tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay Like a gay tarantella Lucky fella, scusa me, but you'll see That's amore.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  The Day the Earth Stood Cool
The Simpsons s24e07 Episode Script
The Day the Earth Stood Cool
(Bart laughing) (children cry out in pain) (children groaning) Bart, stop it! You might fall.
Oh, he's such a cute little rascal.
(thinking) Oh, my God, is she flirting with me? I can see where he gets his good looks.
She is flirting with me! Okay, Homer, let her down easy.
Don't go breaking any hearts.
What a lucky little boy to get a trip to the park with his grandpa.
Grandpa?! Grandpa?! (panting loudly) Oh, my God! Should I call an ambulance? Help! An old man is dying! Oh! This boy's grandfather is a shriveled-up corncob begging for death! I am his father! I can't believe I allowed you to hit on me! (quacking) Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you! I'm sexy! Young and sexy! (ducks quacking) (bird caws) Old man.
I'm not an old man.
This drawing doesn't think I'm old.
Don't you, drawing? (gasps) Those aren't our regular donuts.
They're huge! With crazy toppings! HOMER: Gummy worms! Churro chunks! Russian nesting donut! I got to eat the rest! (yelps) They're gone! Where did these Devil Donuts come from? I don't know.
The guy who gives the sexual harassment seminars brought them in.
Actually, Carl, there's no workplace-appropriate use for the word "bazooms.
" What about "thunderbags"? Get lost, pervs! Okay, where did you get these donuts?! From a guy with a cart.
It could be anywhere! CHIEF WIGGUM: I'm calling to report a missing donut cart.
(siren wailing) I'm not seeing anything.
Can you get any lower? But, Chief, the power lines! (whiny): "But, Chief, the power lines.
" Go lower! HOMER: Nope.
Nope.
Nothing.
Nope.
I see devil horns pitchfork pointed tail, hooves are cloven! We have logo, people! We have logo! Sorry, gents, we're fresh out.
I only make one batch a day.
When they're gone, I'm done.
Oh, no more donuts?! Make more or I shoot! (panting): I'm not bluffing.
Come on.
Hmm.
What have I become? It's not a good feeling when you're saying, "what have I become?" more than once a day.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Tell you what, I could give you a sneak preview of a new donut that's still in the R&D phase.
Oh.
Beer keg donut?! (slurps) I would be honored to shake the hand that glazed this.
I'm Terence.
(softly): Tell me everything about you.
You're from Portland? I've heard of people being from there.
No, I haven't.
Yeah, but Portland just got too played out.
The city used to be real.
Do you know there are now restaurants there with two locations? (chuckles) Not near my kids.
Wait a minute.
You have kids? You can't have kids.
Look at you.
You have a fun job, a skull ring-- and it's not Halloween-- and your belt is a seat belt! No one would ever think you're a lame old man.
Ah, you can't let being a dad slow you down.
Me and the fam are doing the whole "urban nomad" thing.
You know, just looking for an undiscovered city with affordable houses.
(gasps) Our houses are the cheapest! The one next to me's been on sale forever! I see them lowering the price every morning when I go out to pee.
Please.
Please rush into this.
Please rush into this.
What a find! Underneath all the ugly renovations this house has Neutra bones.
In my house, we found human bones.
Emily and I have always dreamed of restoring an architectural masterpiece.
I have a graduate degree in Mid-Century Kitsch.
Thanks for turning us on to this place, Homer.
You're a pretty cool guy.
Really? I'm (gasps) cool?! Oh, can I man-hug you? Sure.
(grunts) I don't know how! Okay, our first hangout with the cool new neighbors.
I've already blown them away-- their words, I assume-- so don't screw it up! Oh, relax, kids.
Just be yourselves.
Oh, great, Marge, now that's in their heads! Hey, this is my armadillo, Chewy.
Uh, Mexico Chewy, not Star Wars Chewie.
Star Wars Chewie is just a man in a costume, so he's not scary.
And this is our baby, Corduroy, (squeals) and our son, T-Rex.
Yeah, neighbors.
Heh, I get it.
T-Rex? Even their names are cool.
Uh, this is, um Ice Cream, Bungee Jump, and Viral Video.
(growls) Wow! Whoa! BART: Cool.
Look at these obscure card games! Hey, do you have Uno? I did, when I was uno.
Check out all these Sergeant Activity dolls! No, that's Combat Jack, the original British doll that Sergeant Activity ripped off.
Fine.
You have a weird old version of something.
Let's just watch TV.
Uh, TV? We don't own a TV.
I didn't know that was an option.
I think I'm done here.
Lisa, go nuts.
My dad only lets me watch what's on his queue.
If I don't get off the Cloud Palace, I'll never get home for school tomorrow, but the Toad Spirit has Aunt Ginzee! (gasps) (humming nervously) "Scientists prove cat heaven real, human heaven not!" (gasps) That's so sad! Those are joke headlines.
It's not a real newspaper, it's just satire.
Oh satire! And these fake movie reviews are so mean, it's hilarious! (laughs) Oh, those are real.
Great paper.
Maggie's a little hungry.
Oh, you can go ahead and feed her.
Corduroy could probably use a snack.
(suckling) Hmm, that's not applesauce.
Oh, uh, you don't have to be uncomfortable around another nursing mom.
Breast-feeding's just a healthy thing we all do.
It sure is! There's nothing more natural than that.
It's just that Maggie's already milked me today.
(nervous laugh) Homer, I think we should go.
We're not like these people.
(gasps) Check out my new look.
Terence shaved my head.
You're all bald! No, I'm young-person cool bald! Not old-person sad bald.
I never want to see these again! (groans) Check it out, Flanders! Us cool dads are sharing a mono-yard! Guess I can't be your best friend anymore.
(chuckles) To be honest, that comes as a tremendous relief.
Boo-hoo-hoo! You could cry all night, it's not gonna win me back! (gate creaks) (gasps) I can finally compost! (Lisa humming happily) Maybe we shouldn't rush things with the new neighbors.
You know, we might not all be a perfect match.
I have a plan to deal with that.
Step one: Change everything about ourselves until we are super-cool.
The end.
But I always thought you were cool.
Honey, I'm not cool.
I was never cool.
I didn't go to college.
Every CD I have, I bought at a car wash.
Black-and-white films make me angry.
I can't pronounce "artisanal.
" I only know David Cross from the Chipmunks movie.
Not only do I like Van Halen, but I think they keep getting better.
Oh But if me and my kids do the same stuff as Terence and his kids, I could be a cool dad.
Well, sweetie, if it's that important to you, I guess we can try.
Thanks, baby.
Here, have a bracelet made of a '70s educational film strip.
Ooh, hygiene! Yeah, it's a real cool club And you're not part of it Yeah, it's a real cool club And you'll never be a part of it.
MARGE: Your father took you to a Korean gangster film festival? Yeah, it was great! This one guy was part of another guy's gang-- I mean, kkangpae-- but then he quit and joined another kkangpae, and when the guys in the first kkangpae found out, they were so mad they put his feet in a blender! Then they cut to a guy eating noodles, and blood splashed on him! At the art walk, we walked into a gallery, and it was just a guy crying.
That was the art! (growls) The kids are a mess! You brought them home exhausted and pretentious! No, we need to take kids to grown-up stuff.
That's Terence's parenting style.
Parenting shouldn't have a style! Parenting is about bedtimes, and passwords on computers, and complicated punishments you never follow through on! Are you wearing a wallet chain? You look like a barista! Well, you won't be laughing when you see how many pickpockets this thing catches.
And what's with the scarf? It's soaked in neck sweat! Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool.
The essence! Ooh.
Aw, man, my goatee has barely come in! Why does my hair only grow in twos? Oh, I hope T-Rex likes the present I made him.
Made? Why didn't you just buy him a toy? (sighs) Homemade presents are how cool families demonstrate how awesome they are.
If I show up with a toy from the store like we would give our kids then I've failed! And these skinny jeans will have flattened my junk for nothing! (rock playing) Geez, is this a kid's birthday party, or the place a bad guy kidnaps you to in a movie? Yeah, this factory used to make blimp tires.
T-Rex loves decaying industrial-scapes.
I used to.
Now I'm into abandoned ethnic union halls.
Come on, dude, this party rocks! Love the temporary- tattoo station! (chuckles): Uh, temporary? I want kitty whiskers! You got it.
There's got to be a bounce house around here somewhere.
At least maybe a pinata? (loud suckling) Holy areola! Please, join our milk circle.
I'd love to, but Maggie's a little shy.
Oh, don't worry-- you can use a nursing apron.
Play along.
Oh, this couldn't feel more natural.
Glug, glug, glug.
That's a good little mammal.
(all gasp) A bottle?! Plastic! Formula! That is so wrong.
Fine, I admit it, you nipple Nazis.
I give my baby formula.
(all gasping) It's okay.
If you don't want to breast-feed your baby, we will.
Stay back.
(woman gasp) You know I'll use this.
Because you saw me using it.
(women whimpering) Huh, 1950s Pontiac Accordion Camera.
I could always use another one of these.
Bowling shoes.
Not vintage, but you know, in a pinch.
"Dino-Cool" Oh, I get it-- a T-Rex for the T-Rex.
How long did it take him to think of that one? (boys laughing) Oh, man.
Hey, my dad worked really hard to make that.
He took a class to learn denim painting.
(sighs) This is so pathetic.
I can't even wear it ironically ironically.
This guy's going on my "Poser Tumblr.
" (grunting to music) (boys laughing) No one bad mouths my dad except me.
(both grunting) Hey, dude! My vinyl.
My vinyl! (boys grunting, Marge gasping) Your son attacked mine.
You've turned this former slaughterhouse into a place of violence.
I thought it made blimp tires.
Yeah, like factories are never repurposed.
(yells) It's time for you guys to leave.
Are we still on for midnight bike riding? (whimpers) (bell rings) Feeling included is life's greatest joy.
HOMER: Oh (laughing): Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh-ho-ho, boy.
Oh-ho-ho, boy, oh, boy.
Have you been "oh boy"-ing all night? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, boy.
We had the family version of a bro-mance going with our awesome neighbors and you had to screw it up.
Look, that kid threw your present in the garbage, and he called you a poser, and everyone laughed.
He called me a poser? Yeah, I was sticking up for you.
You? Sticking up for your old man? You've never done that before.
Also, I didn't want to tell you, but that wife and her gang looked down on me because I don't breast-feed.
What? No one judges my wife's thunderbags.
Well, maybe I was wrong about these people.
Whoever thought a cool person could be a jerk? (grunts) They can "goatee" hell.
Humph.
Yeah, that's right.
The friendship between the Simpsons and the whatever-your- last-name-is-es-es is over.
I want my moustache stencils back.
Fine.
Keep 'em.
But you have to give back Lisa? (laughs, sighs) Mm-hmm.
FLANDERS: I just thought if we got together we could change the channel from "The Feud Network" to "Comity Central.
" Could we at least agree to both hate Flanders? I like him-- he talks in rhyme and owns a whimsical store in a failing mall.
He's like the dad in a Wes Anderson movie.
Shut up with your names! Well, we were just questioning the parenting that lead to Bart not using his words with Tyrannosaurus.
Parenting? (huffs) Let me tell you "cool parents" something.
Parents are supposed to be lame so their kids have something to rebel against by becoming cool just long enough to get married and have kids for whom they are lame.
It's nature's way.
When you're old, your tattoos will be saggy and illegible.
Well, at least I don't put a corporate chemical cocktail into my child's body.
See? See what I'm dealing with here, Ned? We invited them here and they repay us with insults and judgments.
Yes, but there's two sides to every Even Flanders agrees.
This is our neighborhood, we were here first so you should leave.
We're not going anywhere.
Our house just got written up in Dwell.
HOMER: Oh, no, it's true.
When I humble-brag about this article, this towns about to get as popular as toe sneakers.
The "us"-types are coming.
Oh.
NELSON: Butts! Class, say hello to your new music teachers, The Decemberists.
(children clapping) Now, who wants to learn a song about press-gangs and infanticide? (children cheering) Stupid town.
At least I still got Moe's.
Although probably not seeing where this is going.
(tires screech) (gasps) What happened here? I don't know-- everything crappy about this place, they like.
Even the rats.
More manchego, Aziz? (tires screech) Oh, Marge, it's bad.
The cool people are everywhere.
Somehow they've even made the weather rainier.
I brought these people to Springfield and now they've taken over.
(bicycle bell ringing) It's a hellhole.
(robot voice): Disco Stu has found a new thing.
What happened to our town? Everybody wears clothes from the past and uses computers from the future.
(phone beeps) Where can I buy spats? Apu's House of Spats.
(tapping) Hey, better not attack me again.
My mom gave me a salvaged police whistle.
We had to replace the ball but everything else is stock.
Ah, relax, I'm over it.
Why aren't you at the block party? (scoffs) Block parties are lame.
Why do you think everything's lame? I don't know.
I don't get a lot of sleep.
I was out really late at an all-ages burlesque show.
Sorry I was mean to your dad.
That's okay-- he is pretty lame.
Hey, want to watch TV? Real TV? With commercials? Terrible commercials.
But I'm supposed to turn the compost.
Screw that-- it's Krusty time.
Okay, you win.
We don't have to be friends, but can we live on the fringes of your world? Like those eels that eat whale poop? (sucks air) Yeah Um, we'll talk about it.
That's how we say no.
(sniffing) What's that smell? Unturned compost and (sniffing) Cuban movie posters! That's our house! If the flames reach my donut oil, the whole neighborhood will go up.
(grunts) Hmm? Huh? Damn it.
The community garden's using all the water pressure! You just had to have local radishes.
Not now, Emily.
Stop your trendy arguing.
I'm trying to call the fire department.
Sorry, our old-timey fire bell spooked the horses and they ran away.
You're organic, all-natural lifestyle has doomed us all! Then to save us, we need something incredibly unnatural! will put out that blaze.
HOMER: Eh yoik.
Yoik.
Yoik.
Double yoik.
The net of scarves and wallet chains is holding! They're necessary.
They're necessary! They're finally necessary! (loud cheers) I'm sorry we judged you, Marge.
Your formula saved us all.
I guess I do feel a little bad about not breast- feeding my kids.
Except Lisa.
I brest-fed Lisa for nine months.
(knocking) I did it, I did it, I man-hugged! Daddy, Daddy, I want to go to Krustyburger with Bart and get a Laffy Meal! 'Cause each Laffy Meal comes with a different toy! And I got to collect 'em all! (slurping, smacking) Check it out! The New York Times travel section just named Springfield "America's Coolest City.
" See? (all gasp) That means Springfield is played out.
(horse neighs) Please! Please take me with you! I am one of you! I understood all your references! No matter where you go, I will find you! Nuclear energy was a craft before it was a science.
(chuckles): I mean, what's wrong with the old ways? When uranium came from a stream, and atoms were split by hand, then transformed into the kind of electricity that illuminated not just our homes but our souls as well.
Who decided that the electrons we produce can't stand for something greater? Sure, handmade electricity costs more and powers less, but maybe that's the point.
(electrical buzz) The adventure begins.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  To Cur With Love
The Simpsons s24e08 Episode Script
To Cur With Love
Ho, ho, ho! Welcome to the Montgomery Burns Prize, rewarding excellence, in the field of alternative energy.
Local inventors are vying for a million dollar stipend donated by C.
Montgomery Burns, as part of a court settlement for causing one billion dollars of environmental damage.
Shoo.
Go have one of your enormous litters.
First inventor, you, bus driver.
Give us the gist of your terrible idea.
Well, I've harnessed the ancient power of slavery to run the school bus of tomorrow.
Whose boy is this? I'll take him home.
You'll take his place.
I would like to present my Kwik-E-Smart perpetual energy machine.
Three years ago, I tripped over the cord, but the hotdogs, they kept rolling.
Some say they're powered by decaying nitrates, others by tiny insects beneath the hot dog skins.
Hard to believe I once turned down a job in Tampa, Florida, because I believed in this city.
That was 15 years ago.
They wouldn't take you now.
Is anyone here an actual scientist? Uh, yes, I have, on occasion, dabbled in the scientific arts.
Frink Labs, a division of Allied Frink, the Good-Glavin people, are proud to present the Frinkasonic MHV.
And what, pray tell, is MHV? Oh, yes, it's the Moyvin-Hoyvin Vehicle.
This non-magnetic babe magnet is powered entirely by, you guessed it, sound waves.
Ah, yes, you see? Your quite appropriate oohs and ahs are propelling me forward.
It's wonderful.
That's slightly more enthusiasm than I had anticipated.
For the love of God, step on the brakes! The brakes are powered by silence.
Look out because of the zooming.
Why is it ejecting? It's just a normal seat! No! No! I'm okay.
I'll just go live with my son.
No! No! Hurry up.
I want to get Grampa back here by 3:00, so we can get him and Maggie on the same nap schedule.
I've labeled all his boxes.
Well, I can't pick up something this heavy without my lifting belt.
Ow! You know you can't lift your lifting belt without wearing your belt-lifting-belt.
Oh, no.
I won't be able to help you pack up Grampa.
Fine.
Just stay here and hold down the fort.
Hold down the fort? With my bad back? Man, that keyboard-playing cat is so cute.
"Villageville"?! "Build your own authentic medieval village.
" I must have something better to do.
And ca-lick.
Finally, a woodcutter that will do what I tell him.
Holy moley! He's already made a clearing.
Let's go for a glade.
Just call me DeForest Kelley.
I gotta write that down and send it to Conan.
Oh, move this here-- tap.
Mill, mill.
Barn, silo.
Tavern, tavern, tavern, tavern, tavern, tavern Brothel.
Parsonage.
A Theater in the Round.
And hay pile.
"And the Lord saw "what He had made, and it was good.
" Ew.
Yeah, that's right, your Lord sticks his hand in his pants.
And yes, it is the same hand I tapped you with.
Well, if I've learned anything, it's that you can't have too much iron ore.
Maybe one of your tavern wenches can do the laundry.
You're back.
Did you spend this whole time doing fake chores in a fake village? It's real to them.
Um, where's Santa's Little Helper? I don't know.
The backyard? The backyard? But what if he got out through your half-completed tunnel to Flanders's fridge? I don't see him anywhere.
You jackass.
You lost our dog! Oh, my God.
I forgot to feed my jackass.
Hank-hew.
You're welcome.
Santa's Little Helper.
Santa's Little Helper! I love that dog, but that is one long, stupid name.
What the hell? Oh, right.
The animal shelter hasn't had any greyhounds turned in.
Just a dachshund, a chow, and a pregnant raccoon.
A lot of good backups.
How pregnant is the raccoon? We don't want a raccoon.
Good, Marge.
Get their price down.
Dad, I just noticed something.
You're not upset enough about this.
Hey, Lisa's right.
You're the only one who hasn't cried about the dog.
Not a crier.
What? You cry all the time.
You cried when they canceled that show you hated.
Goofing on it made me feel wise.
Where is that coming from? From the kitchen.
He's alive! And he didn't pee on the floor.
For me, that's a perfect day.
Dad, why'd you shut our dog in a cabinet? I'll answer that.
Your father's an idiot.
I believe the word is idiote.
How did Santa's Little Helper get in there? I know what must have happened.
I'm going to get a snack, but first, should I introduce the black plague? Mm what could be the harm? Whoa, now I've got to buy a corpse wagon.
Well, that's how they get you.
Hmm ooh, it's amazing how many things they can make taste like cheese.
Oh, yeah, baby, I'm drinking you down to your knees.
Gonna drink ammonia 'Cause it tastes like cheese I wonder what will happen A minstrel has composed a roundelay mocking me? Torture, torture, torture.
Well, it's time we showed this dog some love.
Oh.
Oh.
Attaboy.
Hey Homer, how come you're not hugging the dog? He knows I love him, and he loves me.
That's short for "Rrright you are.
" I don't think you even like Santa's Little Helper.
You never take him for walks or sleep with him in your arms.
And I suspect you've been chewing on his treats.
How are they his treats if I paid for them? Okay, okay.
I'll be nicer to the dude.
I've just never really been a dog person.
Really? What about Bongo? Bongo?! I told you never to ever talk about Bongo.
Ever! What just happened? Who's Bongo? Bongo was Homer's dog when he was a boy.
He's still my dog! We got him years ago.
I don't know what you just said, but it's wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I was working long hours at the Springfield Smokestack Factory.
Oh, I was so tired when I got home.
Then little Homer would start crying and crying, but Bongo knew just what to do.
Now, my dear, we can watch Mannix as a couple.
Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
You have a story with an ending? Uh-huh.
All my stories have endings now.
They're putting something in my Jell-O down at the home.
Anyway, Homer and that dog went together like Christmas and suicidal thoughts.
Me and my Arrow Straighter than narrow Wherever we go Everyone knows It's me and my Arrow Me and my Arrow Taking the high road Wherever we go Everyone knows It's me and my Arrow Aww.
I had no clue.
Then came the fateful day when Mr.
Burns was lobbying for the go-ahead on his nuclear plant, and he was giving away stuffed Isotoads to all the children.
Have a toy.
Don't thwart my ambition.
Look, they even talk.
Cancer clusters are random occurrences.
Creepy.
You can have mine, Bongo.
Those toys are people bribes, you good-hearted little brat.
Ugh! He bit me! Get him out of here, son.
Now.
Mr.
Burns, I'm awfully sorry.
Oh, I'll be all right.
Once I hold your dying pet in my arms and feel his wagging tail go stiff.
Uh, sir, you are aware you're at a PR event for children.
Bring in the clown.
Hey-hey! So, Lady Godiva gets a haircut, right, and Kids? Uh, no problem.
I'll just cut to my clean material.
Farmer's daughter, no.
A man from Nantucket, no.
Bring out the monkey! Next time I'm getting a smaller monkey.
Ow! Gow! Ooh! Oh! Gah! All right! So Mr.
Burns wanted to kill Homer's dog.
Homer had no idea.
He was so innocent and chubby.
Course now, he's just stupid and fat.
Focus.
Huh? Oh, right.
Little Homer didn't know it, but Burns had unleashed the local dogcatcher to bring Bongo in.
Little Homer had a dog And Bongo was his name-o B-O-On-On-Go B-O-On-On-Go Get in quick.
This was before the day of safety seats and coming to a complete stop to let your child get in.
When God closes a door, he opens a gun shop.
Wait.
How could you know what Herman said? You were driving away.
He wrote a memoir.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Huh.
Oh.
Anyway Son, I've got an idea.
A hole next to the seat to hold my cup? That's a stupid idea.
Holding cups are what thighs are for.
Now hang on tight.
Mmm! Smell them sausages, Lou.
Are you sure the Big Brother Program couldn't find me anybody else? Yeah, well, you were my last pick, too, okay? Tipping, aah! Oh, I'm a washout as a dogcatcher.
What do I do now? Well, my dream is to be police chief.
Oh, no, you can't 'cause, um, that's my dream.
I'm gonna be chief of police.
Well, then I'll be a spokesman for my people, like Ralph Abernathy.
Ralph, I like that name.
Man, this story is filling in a lot of gaps.
But I want to know about Dad and his broken heart.
Your father lost a lot in his life-- his hair, his mother, more games of Monopoly than any man ought.
He'd go to jail and stay there 'cause he loves the easy life, but I think losing that dog was the toughest blow of all.
Where are we going, Daddy? Remember our old neighbor, Miss Viola? Well, she moved to the country, where there was no limit on how many pets one single lady could own.
Miss Viola? Isn't she cuckoo? Now, son, a lot of people are cuckoo till you need something from them.
I knew that Bongo would have a good home there and Burns would never find him.
Gosh, Miss Viola, I want you and your husband to know how much I appreciate this.
Well, let's get this dog in.
Come on.
Son, uh, why don't you give him your sweatshirt so he'll remember you.
Okay.
How long till we come back and get him? I had to tell my boy we were giving away his dog for good.
I wasn't sure if a six-year-old could even understand the concept.
What? No.
No! No! Bongo! Turns out, he caught on pretty quick.
Your father was devastated.
Women and their crying.
Finish the damn story.
I've got a hockey game tonight.
When I finally got back to the house Simpson, release your hound.
He's already gone where you'll never get him.
I'm a powerful man, Simpson.
I can walk into McDonalds, order soup, and they'll make it.
Go on.
Get.
I got a bug zapper, and I ain't afraid to use it.
Is that sugar water I smell? Well, I'm afraid I already told my dogs they could tear yours apart.
Don't make me look into those pitiless black eyes and say, "Daddy didn't bring you a friend-friend to rip-rip!" Where's Bongo? Is he still at the crazy lady's Back to sleep, son.
Oh, listen, I can think of something you'd enjoy more than killing a dog.
Dropping a horse on a church? No! Breaking a man's spirit.
Mine.
Well, I guess I could always drop a horse on a church afterward.
Fine.
I had to take care of his hounds for a year.
I tried to wear a bite-proof suit, but those satanic Snoopys always found their way in.
I'm not done with you.
I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again.
Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is: bolo.
But the hardest part was that my son was so angry with me.
How was school today? Ketchup, please.
You're probably wondering how I got rabies.
Well I'm not hungry anymore.
Our relationship never recovered, and no amount of ignoring the problem could ever fix it.
Grampa, why is the saddest story you ever told the only one that's ever made sense? Doesn't make sense to me.
I happen to remember it just a little differently.
Well, tell us your version.
Now granted, I was just a kid, but I say Grampa always hated Bongo and loved money so he sold Bongo to a wicked farm witch just so he could hang out with a bunch of rich dogs and kidnapped Santa so I'd never get the toy I actually wanted.
And then then wha and then what happened was Gee, my story doesn't make much sense except the Santa part.
Yeah, but at least it was short.
Wait.
Wait.
There's one part of the story even Grampa didn't know about.
A few months later, I went to rescue Bongo.
Hendrix, come here, boy.
But there was one thing I wasn't prepared for.
Bongo was happy without me.
He had become her dog.
Oh, Homie.
I'm so sorry.
Well, that's just the way dogs are.
The most disloyal, unfaithful creatures God ever made.
Homer, maybe you should take a look at this.
A Christmas card I got from Miss Viola years later.
He still had my sweatshirt.
Bongo didn't forget you.
Unlike those gerbils of yours we gave away.
Oh, they were fickle as hell.
Oh, my God, Dad.
I owe you an apology.
You saved Bongo.
I never understood that till now.
All these years I thought you loved that dog more than me.
Why would you think that? Just because I put you in a home where they feed you dog food? Aw, give me a hug, son.
Okay, but I'm a little out of practice.
Hold your arms like you're carrying a wedding cake.
What flavor? It doesn't matter.
If it doesn't matter, then I call Snickers.
That's not a flavor.
Everything's a flavor in the kitchens of today.
Just hug already.
Homie? Huh? Come on, boy, time to go to bed.
My dog.
All right, Homer, it's your moment.
But he's mine tomorrow.
Me and my Arrow Straighter than narrow Wherever we go More cheese, sir? No.
Any word from Karl Rove? Sir, despite what he's been telling you, it's over.
Romney lost.
Damn it.
I guess it's time I explain to these good people the upcoming fiscal cliff.
Think of the economy as a car and the rich man as the driver.
If you don't give the driver all the money, he'll drive you over a cliff.
It's just common sense.
Furthermore, rich people feel things more deeply than the common man.
And we've got to change our approach to immigration.
I have a progressive proposal to let into this country I've got lots of potatoes that need peeling and stables to be mucked out.
Sir, the insta-polls are in.
You're just digging yourself deeper.
Well, then let me just say this.
Marco Rubio I'm afraid you just made things even worse.
How? Why? You just said Marco Rubio is a pink handkerchief.
This public service announcement is over.
Execute the cameraman.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Homer Goes to Prep School
The Simpsons s24e09 Episode Script
Homer Goes to Prep School
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (humming) Learn Zone? Mom, you said we were going someplace fun.
Yeah, Mom, you promised! Homer, I told you, don't call me "Mom.
" Sorry, Mrs.
Simpson.
(groans) (laughter) (excited vocalizing) (whirring, children cheering) Ooh! This isn't a learn zone.
Darn it, it's a fun place! Yay! (whoops) Yay! (laughter) For maximum safety, all children must wear anti-kidnapping bracelets.
(laughs) Is this a kid you'd pay ransom for? Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail? I don't know.
Feed it to the dog? You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog! (laughter) (snoring) (whooping and laughter) Whoa! (screaming) Where do they go? Whoa! FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Mormon Church, America's most respectable cult.
(whooping and laughing) Keep an eye on the kids, Homer.
Can I keep an eye on that kid? He's fabulous.
Bart and Lisa.
Oh! It's always my kids.
Yay! (laughing) Where'd they go? Oh.
Hmm.
Almost.
Holy moley.
What the?! Oh, it's hopeless! What's hopeless? Who the hell are you? (laughter and cheering) Dad, come up, come up! Pretty, pretty please! Absolutely not! My adult frame is simply too large.
Come on, Dad! No! Never! Come on, Dad! Fine.
Here I come.
(grunting) Crawling.
So painful.
(grunting) Duck walk.
Infinitely worse.
Ooh! (grunting) (panting) Only wanted to be fun.
Shh, shh, shh.
Soon you'll know peace.
(panting) I made it, kids! I am king of Learnington Castle! (laughing) We tricked you.
Eat Nerf, Homeboy! Real mature! (grunts) Yay! (laughing) Ralphie! (Homer grunting) Huh? Hmm.
What cool kid thing's in here? No kids.
That's what's cool.
(humming) I have a phone.
It's very tiny.
Ain't no shame in being poor, boy.
What's pitiful is if you is ignorant.
Is these mice pillows here for the taking? I hate working here.
At least at Krustyburger, you could burn yourself and go home.
(siren blaring) MALE VOICE: Unauthorized child departure.
Lockdown mode initiated.
(gasping) (yelling) Another stupid kid got out.
I can't tell the manager.
I am the manager.
Duh! We're locked in! (whirring) These lasers are nothing more than colored lights! Calm down, everyone.
Calm down.
I'm sure they'll have us out of here soon.
Until then, why don't we bond by sharing our childbirth experiences.
The nurses were so great.
My husband held my hand the whole time.
See? All you need to get through a crisis is a little friendly conversation.
Bet you the dads are doing the same thing.
(clamoring) The sneeze guard is broken! There is no law! Oh, I just came here to pick up my daughter.
But now I'm gonna kill you all! (laughing maniacally) Don't forget your jacket, sweetie.
(laughing maniacally) Get out of there, you! Never! (screaming) Mmm.
Butter.
(clamoring) (humming) Round and round.
Round and round.
Freedom! (grunts) MAN: Let's get out of here! Come on! (loud chatter) (hooting) Apes.
Deep down, we're all savage apes.
Leave your body, Homer.
What the hell was that? (barking) You've been through a traumatic experience.
Are you sure you want to go to work today? Well, I've taken eight months off.
It's time to get back on the horse.
(baby cooing) (chittering) Ho, ho, ho.
(electrical buzzing) Ho, ho, ho.
Hey, neighbor, your welcome mat's looking a little dusty.
Mind if I come over and sweeten your greetin'.
Sweeten your greetin'! BOTH: Sweeten your greetin'.
ALL: Three Neds are better than one! (shrieks) (panting) (grunting) I hate to be a nag, but this is my real head.
(loud grunt) I guess, despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner, like a racially-diverse street gang on a network cop show.
My friend, you just experienced W.
R.
O.
L.
firsthand.
Hey, hey, read the sign, pal, no acronyms.
You see? And that goes for the rest of youse, too! Okay, okay.
Hey, in this bar, we say "Old Kinderhook!" What's W.
R.
O.
L.
? It means "Without the Rule of Law.
" Anarchy.
The end of civilization.
Coming soon to an America near you.
America can't collapse! We're as powerful as ancient Rome! Ah, take a look at this.
NARRATOR: The modern world-- an inexorable march of progress.
Sweet.
Or is it? (screams) We're slaves to the system.
Close the supermarket, and we starve.
Cut off the tap, we drink our cat's blood.
(dramatic music playing) NARRATOR: Who will survive in this new world? The man who is prepared.
(upbeat tune plays) Oh, my God! This unsourced, undated video has convinced me beyond any doubt! And I'm the guy you want to know when the stuff hits the fan.
Hey, man, no need to almost swear.
Come with me.
Well, Homer's gone.
Let's all go into our suspended state till he gets back.
Homer, meet the Springfield Preppers.
Preppies? Oh, I hate you guys! Always partying on deck with your Docksiders while us townies are scrubbing the bilge! Not preppies.
Preppers.
But I like your hatred.
It's based on nothing.
That's super.
Now, Homer, what would you do in the case of an E.
M.
P.
? Electromagnetic pulse.
A burst of radiation that knocks out every electrical system in the country.
I'd slash my wrists.
But how, without my electric knife?! There is an alternative to suicide.
Mm.
I can't conceive of any.
We can teach you the skills you need to survive any crisis.
Ooh.
All we ask is that you keep your prepping secret.
We won't have room for all the unprepared.
Don't worry.
I'm very good at keeping secrets.
"Impending doom.
" What you reading, Dad? (screams) Honey, everything's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
When grown-ups say that, it means there is something to worry about.
Just go play your saxophone.
While you can.
What does that mean? Secrets? I have no secrets! Just enjoy this golden time you will soon cling desperately to the memory of.
Smell some bread! When things go south, the sheeple will clean out every supermarket in town.
Typical sheeple.
Uh are you eating my grain? Maybe.
That was a five-pound bag! Yeah, but I'll go home, weigh myself, and I'll have gained six pounds.
What's that about? Prep, prep, prep.
(humming) Hey, Dad, are we going camping? I guess an open garage isn't the best hiding place.
What's up? Going crazy again? (scoffs) I wish.
Son, the best way to explain this is to show you some age-inappropriate movies.
So, what have you learned so far from our post-apocalyptic movie marathon? Guys who call themselves Preacher or Deacon are very bad.
Water is money, unless gasoline is money.
And even though lots of things are razor-sharp, no one ever shaves.
Hollywood has taught you well, my son.
Now let's push play.
Now the Ice Bishop of Beverly Hills will teach you the true meaning of cold! (laughing maniacally) I have come from a place where the land is warm, and the only ice is made by machines called fridge-ra-torrs.
ALL (chanting): Fridge-ra-torrs! Fridge-ra-torrs! Fridge-ra-torrs! Aren't they just saying "refrigerator"? Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.
Here it is, Homer.
The Springfield Preppers' top secret Bug-Out Retreat.
Wow! Your end of the world is better than my during the world.
Homer, we all know America's collapse is about three months away.
Six weeks at most.
There's always one alarmist.
Anyway, when the Four Horsemen ride, we want you and your collaterals right here with us.
Aw.
Uh, listen, I've got to know-- you're not just being nice to me because in a pinch you could make candles from my fat? Well, that is a big part of it.
It's okay.
I know what I am.
MARGE: Hmm? I can't find all our cereal crackers, juice boxes, the butter brush Um a lot of that stuff must've got lost in the move.
What move? We haven't moved.
What's going on? Oh! I want to tell you, but I promised to keep it a secret.
You can't have secrets from your wife! It's very late in the marriage to tell me that.
I've hidden all our supplies behind a fake wall.
I thought the basement looked cleaner.
See? These are our bug-out bags.
In here is everything we need to survive.
Survive what? The looming kablooey.
It's reassuring to see you're aware of the future, but this is all a little creepy.
Creepy?! Marge, the apocalypse is coming.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe never, but it's coming.
And soon.
I'm going to bed.
There's no handle on this side! The one thing I couldn't prepare for.
Oh, these here are my snack chips.
Your cheese puffs.
Those are doodles.
I will eat anything orange except an orange.
(siren blaring, clattering) And that's how you deliver a baby calf with a bathroom plunger.
Mm-hmm.
(siren blaring) (electrical buzzing) (clippers stop) An E.
M.
P.
?! You know what that means! Hand scissors.
(electrical buzzing) (gasps) (gasping) (all muttering) (electrical buzzing) Oh.
(sighs) (humming) (electrical buzzing) (electrical buzzing) (clamoring) All electronics in Springfield have been disabled.
Even the musical greeting cards.
(clamoring) This is it.
Bug-out time.
Everyone but us is doomed.
I am so jazzed.
(high-pitched giggling) Mr.
Mayor, what's your administration doing to ensure there's no panic? I don't know.
What is your administration doing? There you have it.
A town without rules, without leadership, without television.
This is Kent Brockman, talking to himself.
Marge, this is it, TEOTWAWKI! (gasps) "The end of the world as we know it"? Uh-huh.
Where's the kids? Lisa and Maggie are downstairs, and Bart's in his room with Milhouse.
Boy, get in the car, and say good-bye to your best friend forever.
Bye forever, Milhouse.
See you, Bart.
Mmm.
This is my daughter.
She brings the gift of music to the new world.
Is that sax alto or baritone? Baritone.
This is gonna be a long apocalypse.
Ay, caramba! Ay, caramba indeed.
Dad, how are we supposed to spend the rest of our lives here? We're already bored.
Here's something to pass the endless time.
Write down which celebrities were rumored to be gay for future generations.
Yes, sir.
Society will not have to start from square one.
(groaning) Homie, I never thought we'd turn our backs Marge, when I started prepping for the end of the world, everyone laughed at me.
No one was laughing.
You kept it a secret! Well, just because I imagined it, doesn't make it any less true.
And now all those people are on their own.
How can you call yourself a Christian? If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.
Homer Simpson! When I fell in love with you, it was because of your big heart and your good looks.
But some day, those good looks are gonna fade.
What?! Soon we'll be approached by people who haven't prepared.
Now, do not look at their faces.
That can trigger feelings and emotions, which have no place in Civilization 2.
0: Rise of the Weirdos.
I may have solved that problem.
This rifle scope I modified makes any human face look dangerous and threatening.
Boom.
Why do we have to shoot them at all? Are you that good with a knife? No! I want to help the people who didn't prepare.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
What'd you shoot me for? You were thinking I'd gone mad with power, weren't you?! I wasn't, but I am now.
Boom-boom- boom-boom-boom.
(snoring) (muffled horn honking) (others gasp) Oh, God, now what? Every time you wake us up early in the morning, it's either church or we have to change our identities.
Don't be silly, Mary Ellen.
Now we're going to leave this place.
I'm sorry, Bart.
I know you've made a bug-out camp girlfriend.
I've got to be honest with you.
It was just a bag of rice I drew a face on.
White ricer brown? I never noticed.
Good boy.
So we'll take these supplies back to Springfield where they're needed most.
You're a good man, Homer Simpson.
(alarm blaring) You said you cut the wires to the alarm.
Hmm, I cut the wires to something.
Okay everybody, keep your eyes peeled for an unlit mile post marked "23" or "36" or something.
If we miss it, we're dead.
Dad, there are lights following us.
How can that be? I took every last can of gas.
(horses whinnying) Now, everyone relax and pretend we're about to be hit by a soft brick wall.
(screaming) Out of our way, corn! The starving people of Springfield are desperately in need of our delivery of canned corn, corn flakes and flash frozen corn niblets! (tires squealing) I'm proud of you.
Society may have crumbled, but our decency hasn't.
Now to save these sorry souls from a life of anarchy, starvation and having sex for procreation.
Huh? Oh, everything's normal.
The world didn't end! Dad, you said people would be drinking each other's blood.
You got to watch a VHS copy of Red Dawn 13 times! Stop complaining! What happened with the E.
M.
P.
? Only Springfield lost power, you see, and after a few days, it came back.
Maybe a little bit brighter.
(mutters) And the spirit of neighborly cooperation broke out as if all the weird, angry people had left.
Then society didn't crumble? The zoo animals weren't eaten? No-- well, a couple.
This non-disaster is a catastrophe! Are you really so disappointed the world didn't end, just so you could be proven right? No, no.
It's just that, in the new world, I would have been a big shot.
Well, not for long.
Me and the others were planning to overthrow you and seal you in a cave.
Yeah, but what you didn't know was I was gonna poison all your drinking water.
Which is why I'm only drinking my own urine.
(groans) Guys, can't you see that even an imperfect society is better than the savagery of creating a new one? I for one am glad we're stuck with civilization, and I think we will be for a long, long time.
I'm hungry.
Look, you can have potato chips now, or if you wait ten minutes, you can have all the brains you can eat.
I want both.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  A Test Before Trying
The Simpsons s24e10 Episode Script
A Test Before Trying
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: In a world, in a hemisphere, in a continent, in a country, in a state, in a city, in a neighborhood, in a street, in a house, in a living room, five heroes would be called.
To tackle the most dangerous quest of their lives.
Let's sit on that couch.
They're in.
And in retrospect, city officials regret holding the gang truce negotiations at Santa's Village.
In other news, we're about to go live to Mr.
Burns' announcement of his annual rate hike.
Springfielders are about to find out how much their electricity bills will go up.
I'm being told that Mr.
Burns is approaching the lectern now.
Apparently there are a few stairs he's struggling to climb.
He's up the stairs but is now being buffeted by the breeze.
And they've put some rocks in his pocket and we're ready to go.
To decide how much your electricity bills will rise, I've assembled a team of distinguished economists and placed plausible rate hike percentages on their backs.
Now we will use unfettered free market principles to arrive at a number.
Release the hounds.
(dogs growling, people shouting) Notice how the Keynesians climb trees while the Austrian school economists hide under rocks.
That is fascinating.
And there you have it, folks, rates will rise a healthy 17%.
And now, to help you disperse Let me guess, you're going to release the hounds again.
(chuckling): Oh, don't be silly.
Release the radioactive steam.
(screaming) Electricity costs are going up 17%.
(laughing): This station can't afford that.
We're barely keeping the lights on as it is.
I know it's a kid's show, but I got to see you topless.
This isn't your dressing room.
I know, but the monkey's got a girl in my dressing room.
The decision to pull the plug is never easy.
Particularly with the 17% rate hike.
Do I get a vote? That's just air escaping his lungs.
Oh, I guess we'll be peeling our shrimp by hand this year.
We can keep the shrimp de-veiner, though, right? I'm afraid not.
And this goes, too.
When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.
Children, we can no longer afford to use anything electric.
However, we will still be able to watch today's film, thanks to the magic of potato power.
NARRATOR: Sometimes Y: the story of a vowel that goes both ways.
(losing power) Emergency meeting in the faculty lounge.
BYOB.
Well, class, I don't mind leaving you, because one of you is my spy.
You said you weren't going to tell.
Oh, wait, you didn't.
So no one knows who the Milhouse is.
The school is broke.
I had to sell all the trombone mutes.
(wah-wah) (groans) Why did I sell one to Nelson? (wah-wah) Hmm.
Sounds better than half the kids in the band.
So does a leaf blower.
Look, the district can't afford to keep every school open, so all the kids will take a standardized test.
Whichever school scores the lowest will be closed forever.
So you're saying, if our kids don't pass this test, you're shutting down Springfield Elementary? I don't teach to the test.
I teach 'em to dodge balls.
Things they can use in life.
How is that useful? Ow.
We all came here to avoid scrutiny.
Who else would hire a lunch lady accused of poisoning her husband? Never convicted.
They couldn't find the body.
Anyone care for some chicken-Pete pie? Did you say "chicken-Pete pie"? His friends called him Pete.
Good-bye, my electrical friends.
I can't afford to use you, so I'm doing what any good American would do: throw you away.
(gasps) (gasps) And it still works.
This could come in handy.
Ah, ah, ah, but let me check that list of things Marge said never to bring home.
Dogs, cats, octopuses, octopi, octopuseseseses.
Parking meter, you're working for me now.
Mannequin heads, you're working for me now.
Lot of people at the dump today.
The proctors are here.
Their leader seems to be a woman.
Catalog poses.
("Halloween Main Theme" by John Carpenter playing) (sighs) When will they finish grading those tests? I hate waiting; that's why I hate risotto.
Even mushroom risotto? What do you think?! So (chuckles nervously) how'd we do? Not as bad as the worst school in the state.
Oh, thank God.
You did worse than the worst school in the state, which now makes this school the worst school in the state.
Why did you say that to us in the meanest way you could? To show you that there's no way out.
Except Except what? No, I meant you should accept your terrible fate.
Oh.
This place is worse than the elementary school in prison.
This student filled in everything but the ovals.
In art school he'd be a genius.
This isn't an art school.
We tried to have ourselves accredited as one, but no one here could, uh, draw the pirate.
Children, Groundskeeper Willie will direct you to your new school district.
Any correlation to your talents, needs, or friends is completely coincidental.
Sherri, you're going to West Ogdenville.
Terri, North Haverbrook.
But we've never been separated.
I'm not sure we can even live apart.
Stop your whinging.
It's not like you're losing a rake or a backhoe.
Nelson, you're off to Arkham Elementary School for the Criminally Insane.
(whistling) Well, I'm glad you're not upset.
All my extra credit points are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.
Hey, don't blame me.
I didn't even take the test.
You didn't? Is there no limit to your disrespect? Eh, I had something better to do.
(laughing) Driving you crazy instead of pulling off your legs.
I've really matured.
Wait a minute.
If you take the test now, your score could raise the average and save the school.
Proctor Clarkson, one student still hasn't taken the test.
(gasping) Let it be Martin, let it be Martin.
It's Bart.
(all groaning) I have an aunt named Hope.
Perhaps you'd like to kill her as well.
Bart will take his exam first thing tomorrow morning.
Bart, I'm begging you to try and study.
When I think begging, I don't imagine someone standing up.
Sorry, I can't grant a favor to someone I don't respect anymore.
You can spin in my chair! Whee! Spinner! Slow down.
(chuckles) Well, sure the Lord wouldn't have placed his meter there if he didn't want me to park.
This is the easiest money I've ever made.
Lugging around a 90-pound parking meter.
It's not that kind.
All right, now to drag the meter to the next idiot.
Oh, God, my back.
(laughing) Suckers.
Oh, my disks are grinding.
(laughing) Easy money.
(grunting) Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes Don't wanna be a richer man Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes.
(laughing) Thanks for the freedom of speech, dorks.
(whistling) Uh, we're cool, right, boy? Nothing a few George Washingtons won't solve.
(grunts) Now, to sleep the sleep of the just.
(sighs) (humming) Godspeed, old chum.
Pass the test and your lunch money is yours.
I'm a kid you've never seen, and I speak for all the kids you've never seen.
Do it, man, or you'll never see us again.
Principal Skinner, could you help me sharpen this pencil? I guess a little circular grinding might relax me.
I can't do this.
I'm not ready.
You really didn't study? Well, I slept on my books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis.
So, you know what osmosis is? Uh, pajamas? Let me make this crystal clear to you, Simpson.
If you don't pass this test, it will destroy the school.
(laughing) Our entire school riding on that coffee can head of yours.
We've got to get you more time to study.
But how? Pull the fire alarm.
I'd do it, but everyone's looking at me.
What to do, what to do? Don't do it, Seymour.
You've never broken school rules.
Ever.
You wimp.
(alarm ringing) Children, remain calm, find your disaster buddy, which is different from your lab partner but may be the same as your lunchroom buddy.
BART: Well, well, well Looks like Mr.
Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.
I bought you time, boy.
Don't blow it.
I won't.
I'm going to ignore everything else on my schedule.
Pass this test and the eggs are on me.
They will be, Seymour.
They will be.
(laughing) I'm king of the bus station.
Meter, meter, quarter cheater? A rogue parking meter has been terrorizing the streets.
Experts estimate the cost to taxpayers at north of $50.
That's right, Kent.
The entire force is on the lookout for anyone with an excessive amount of change.
Our top criminologists have a theory as to what the suspect just might look like.
But, of course, that question mark could be an exclamation point or an interrobang.
And the man or woman could be Hispanic or, most frightening, contain no punctuation at all.
So, how's the studying going? When I start I'll tell you.
This is the most selfish thing you've ever done.
You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy and selfish and, hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me? Hey, why aren't you eating that? There's four of us and eight slices.
We don't know how to divide it.
Something Stu forgot the music he loves.
Mrs.
Krabappel? Are you a teacher of the night? Ha, I wish I was a hooker.
No one in this town has any money.
But the worst thing is what's happened to the school.
No, no! (all grumbling) (groans) What have I done? Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep.
Lisa, I want to pass that test.
But I need your help.
I have all sorts of problems: Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only know 24 letters.
Don't you fall asleep on me.
Excuse me, you're that proctor that's shutting down my children's school.
I don't shut anything down.
People cut their own heads, and I just tip 'em into the basket.
You've been in public education a long time, haven't you? (grunting) Freeze, Jack Nickel-scum.
Wha? You know what they do to parking meter thieves in prison? They probably treat 'em pretty well.
But when you get out, you're not eligible for jury duty.
Which, again, sounds pretty good.
Eat silver, copper.
D'oh! (tires screeching) Stay with me, man.
Stay with me.
No, no! You're the first successful business I've ever run.
It's hopeless.
I can't make up for ten years of goofing off in one day.
I need two days.
Look, the thing is, it's more important to know how to take a test than knowing what's on it.
So do the ones you know first.
If you don't know one, guess "B" and move on.
Now, what is the capital of Massachusetts? Uh, "B"? Very good.
(ticking) BART: Okay, this is it.
Do or die.
D'oh.
Will you stop that? Burly Paper Towels, Burlyville, Minnesota.
Dear Sir or Madam: Your paper towel packets promised 102 sheets of towels.
But I was blessed to receive 103.
I'm returning the extra towel, unused (jingling) Hmm? A pillow case full of quarters? Where did you get that money? And what have you done with the pillows? The pillows are safe at my workstation.
As for the quarters, well, I'm ashamed to tell you what I did.
How long have you been in there? Well, we're going to turn this change into change for the better.
Whoo-hoo! And I wish that Mr.
Teeny gets a banana, that the Isotopes emerge from this season with a great blooper reel.
I wish that wishing wells worked so I wasn't tossing my money away and that Marge loves me forever no matter what stupid things I do.
(grunts) (splash) And I hope Bart passes his test and saves the school.
Way to get us back on topic, Marge.
If you have to guess, guess "B.
" Not every question! The second that boy fails, we're knocking down this school.
Please have a little faith.
I hear you, Seymour.
Start the upswing! The least common blood type is A) B, B) A, C) AB, D) O d'oh! Ten more seconds.
("Halloween Main Theme" by John Carpenter playing) And the last answer, "C.
" Is correct.
Congratulations, you made it by one.
That'll do, bug, that'll do.
("Superman Theme" by John Williams playing) He passed.
Stop that ball! Now your mom can see you work from her house.
Seymour, stop slouching! I'm not sure if you gave my son any extra help, but if you did, thank you.
Perhaps this was a test of my humanity.
A test I like to think I passed.
Would you like to have coffee or dinner, or just talk? None of the above.
Testward ho! (Beethoven's "Symphony No.
6" playing) (wind blowing) (growls) Is this Wilson Elementary? No.
Sorry.
Shh!Springfield! Springfield!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  The Changing of the Guardian
The Simpsons s24e11 Episode Script
The Changing of the Guardian
D'oh.
(grunts) (thunder booming) "In this exciting strategy game, "you amass resources-- timber, salt fish and wax-- "to fund the syndicate to gain influence with the Doges of Venice.
" Doges? Why do we have to play this stupid game Lisa likes? I don't like this game.
Nobody likes this game.
Even the kids on the box look bored.
They're miserable.
We have to do something until the storm passes.
Now, just fill out these customs forms, and we can get started.
(gasps) Twister! No! Whenever we play that, my elbow touches Dad's junk.
No! Outside the house! (all screaming) (grunts) (grunting) You live like this? Ooh, dear Lord, if thy tornado must take me, please let it take me to Oz.
But don't let Flanders be the scarecrow.
(gasps) We made it, boy.
(yelping) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This counts as a walk! The tornado took old what's-his-name.
I'm going after him.
No, Homie, it's too dangerous.
(knocking on glass) Hey, Homer, we were just doing a little storm chasing.
Lenny, take us with you to find our dog.
It's okay, Marge, they're professionals.
What? 'Cause they rented a van and taped an antenna to the top? (scoffs) Not just any tape.
Duct tape.
Oh, all right.
But I'm coming with you to make sure no one does anything stupid.
Don't worry, Marge, we bought a ton of safety gear from a highly-respected storm chaser's widow.
(gasps) It's not what you're thinking.
He died of a heart attack.
Yeah, 80 feet up in the air.
Behold, the awesome nonsense of nature.
Okay, the tornado that took your dog looked like an F3 moving westerly.
I guess you do know your weather.
Ha! That means a lot coming from such an attractive woman as you.
I'd say she's prettier than a surface hoar.
Hey! Surely, you didn't misunderstand my usage of "surface hoar.
" The sublimation of ice crystals that's colder than a frost point.
Maybe.
Look, you guys obviously know about weather, but I understand something much more predictable: women.
What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.
I'll tell you what women really want: a man who can hold a note the longest.
That is the stupidest One, two, three, go.
(all holding single note) (all continue holding note) Homer, you do not have to compete with your friends for me.
I would never do that.
(resumes vocalizing) Enough with the singing.
(all stop vocalizing) Fine, but I swear, I will win you back from Lenny.
'Nado! Ooh.
It's like God's vacuum cleaner.
(laughing) We're cutting it kind of close.
Not to worry-- we're safe in the van.
Anyone want their seat warmer? (gasps) It's gone.
Help me, God.
What is it I'm paying you for every Sunday? (Marge screaming) Can always use a good babysitter.
I was just 27 years from retirement! Oh, my God, the twister got Carl, my best friend in the world.
I can barely remember what he looks like.
He was a black guy, but his voice sounded like a white guy.
Hey, excuse me for wanting to fit in.
And here comes Santa Little Helper.
Homie, we made it.
(both scream) Oh, my God.
NELSON: Ha ha! You're trapped in there good.
Once again, the big banks stick it to the little guy.
(both grunting) Come on.
Are you pushing? Yes, it won't give.
(sighs) I don't know if we're going to be able to get out.
(squeaking) What are you writing? Maybe the last words I'll ever write.
Oh.
Lenny, you calling for help? Let them have their moment.
Kent Brockman here at death's revolving door.
Police have arrived on the scene after having fled the state at the first sign of the storm.
Bulletproof, as I somewhat suspected.
But don't you worry, we're having a very expensive crane brought in from Shelbyville.
What is this, a bird? It's a bird known as a crane.
And it got very sick on the way over.
Well, our top priority is making sure that bird gets well.
Hey! Hello! As for you, your only hope is this glass cutting guy from the hardware store.
You guys want to come out in a plain circle or a kind of a rosette shape? Just cut the glass.
Everybody wants it done yesterday.
(chuckles) (groans) WIGGUM: Uh, now we're ordering some lunch.
Uh, want to go halfsies on a pizza? FYI, that means you get one slice.
Okay, wise guy, you get to pull out the two corpses when we're done.
Except for the face full of glass when the door finally collapsed, he did a pretty good job.
Found another one.
It was so scary thinking something might happen to you guys.
Mom, I am so glad you're alive.
Were you worried about me, boy? Sure.
Why not? (stammers angrily) Clearly, the boy's in shock.
(chuckling): Oh, yeah, I'm a wreck.
Stop being blasÃ©.
Never! Now, I know you kids are scared by what happened, but it's bedtime.
Just go into your dark rooms and shut your eyes.
(kids groaning) Homie, if we did both die, we've never named guardians.
The kids could end up wards of the state.
Connecticut? No, our state.
(screams) Okay, you're right.
It's hard to imagine anyone else bringing up our kids, but I think the choice is obvious: my dad.
Oh, you'd let me have another chance after the way I screwed things up with you? Eh, good point.
We'll find somebody else.
Yep, you're a big bag of blubber soaked in worthless juice.
I got it, Dad.
Why I married you I'll never know.
Oh, yeah? The tornado was more of a father to me than you.
Okay, how about my brother? He's rich.
(beep) (over answering machine): Hi.
You've reach Herb Powell.
I'm poor again.
(startled grunt) There's really only one choice, or should I say two identical choices? Sugar? Oh, how very kind of you.
I'm not giving our kids to these gravelly-voiced super hags.
One lump, please.
Homer, my sister's adopted Ling, and she's doing great.
We've been tiger-mothering her.
Ling, music time.
Ling, floor routine.
More syncopating.
Stick the landing! And no resenting us ever.
That's some impressive flute-nastics.
Shut up! You can't praise her.
She'll think she's smart and slack off.
Then all our loving would be for nothing.
Mmm, maybe we'd better go.
Didn't you want to ask us something? Good-bye forever.
(whispering): Help me.
I think it's time to go off family.
KIRK: Luanne and I have gone through some rough patches, so to be seen as stable enough to raise your kids, well, it would be an honor.
You know what else would be an honor? Having a husband who asks my opinion before inviting in three more mouths he can't feed.
Hey, Luanne, you always asked me what I saw in Vicky at the Walgreens.
Well, I'll tell you what I saw: not you! You told me you didn't even know her name.
Well, that's her name, okay? BRANDINE: Let me get this straight.
We have 17 kids, and you want us to take three more? Anything new that wanders into this house winds up in the stew pot.
Hey, I'm so sorry, but we just adopted a baby.
Give me back my pants.
I've got to get back to my unit.
Someone's cranky.
All right, Marge, maybe we're being a little too choosy about who our kids spend the rest of their lives with.
We'll take what we can get.
(gasping) Uh-oh.
I wonder if word has gotten out that we're looking for guardians.
(grunts, growls) Ah! Go! Go! (tires squealing) (beeping) (people screaming) (people screaming) (people screaming) (dog howling) (people screaming) (hums, grunts) (Dr.
Hibbert chuckling) (airplane flying overhead) All right, the coast is clear.
(relieved murmuring) Wait a minute, I live here.
Aw.
Where are we going? And why are we wearing our good clothes? With name tags on them.
Kids, there's nothing to worry about.
(walrus barking) But we're looking at replacements for your mom and me if we should fail to die together as a family.
Oh, I see.
You guys are trying to find a couple of saps to take us when Dad has a coronary in the dead of night, rolls over and crushes Mom.
This is not that, and that smart-alecky attitude is exactly why no one wants you.
Homer, dual incomes, no kids at 2:00.
(gasps) Ooh.
Okay, I'll nudge them with the car.
We'll get a whole "meet cute" thing going.
(gasping) Aah! What the hell are you doing? Keith, relax.
Look at those adorable children.
Hmm, I think I hear a slight accent.
Mid-Atlantic.
(gasps) That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it! (tires squealing) This is a pretty important decision.
How about asking that Japanese guy who set the world record for eating hot dogs? He's like a successful version of Dad.
(groans) Maybe we should just give up for now, have some fried clams and collect sea glass.
Wait, what about that couple? They look pretty cozy.
That's Moe and a bag of garbage.
Boy, cats sure breed a lot.
(meowing) (yells) Why would you do that to me after I thought about feeding you? (grunts) Mmm.
(laughing) Whoa, look at that guy.
Yo, I'm Mav.
Wow, a man's stomach can be flat? It's one of the, like, awesome side effects of being a pro surfer.
Wow.
Someone's smitten.
Whoa, way to shralp the crispies, babe.
My wife, Portia.
Another surfer? Environmental lawyer.
(sighing) And in my free time, I prosecute record companies who withhold royalties from elderly blues musicians.
(sighing continues) (grunting) Um, why don't we discuss it over dinner? Discuss what? Things that you're desperately missing from your life that you never knew you needed.
Cool.
See you at 6:00.
(birds cawing) So, surfing is really your job? Yeah, I earned a couple million on the tour last year.
Just for standing on a thing? Mmm.
Wow.
Your house is perfect.
No sharp corners, no unsafe balconies, a cool grandpa.
I love two things: shutting up and giving away money.
Ooh, thanks, Dad.
What's that stone around your neck? It's a promise stone.
It signifies that if I ever get to be a burden, I just jump in a volcano.
Wow.
I assumed the Jackson Five were the only perfect family, but now I see there's another.
Princeton, B.
A.
, Oxford, M.
A.
I smell a Rhodes.
No, I turned it down because Cecil Rhodes was such a racist.
(sighs) Uh, say, listen, Portia.
How would you and Mav feel about um, swinging? Uh, with you guys? Uh, seems like my husband would be getting the much better deal.
No, no, no.
I-I meant pushing kids on swings.
Give me a minute to get some images out of my mind.
Okay, take whatever time you need.
I just want to know if you'd like to be their guardians.
Wow.
Wow, that's quite an offer.
This is so fast.
It's so hard to get to know a child after just one day.
I All you need to know is I'm a politeness monster who eats please and farts thank-yous, ma'am.
I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.
(belches) Hmm.
Babe, when a killer wave hits, you can't spend your whole life deciding if you want to drop in or not.
It just might be the most righteous tube we ever shot.
Man, you sure can talk surfer talk.
Okay, we'll give some serious thought to taking them.
Maybe this will help you make up your mind.
It's empty.
You never know when you might want to mail something.
Homie, it's been a wonderful day, but do you think maybe we're moving a little too quickly? Worrywart Marge.
You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.
(laughter) But we know so little about them.
I swear to you, Marge, when I have the time, I will Google them both.
It's all good, brah.
Hey, where's Bart? Oh, uh, well, he wanted to be here, but I'm going to decrease the volume of my voice and mumble so you can't really understand what I'm saying, and I'll just keep doing it until the subject Your father says I need to keep you lashed to the mast for five more arrrs.
Is that arrrs or hours? Both.
Great.
And now my Dad can notarize.
I still have my uses.
Mm-hmm.
Name another.
(groans) Well, I must admit it's a relief to get that taken care of.
Now I can finally complete my bucket list.
(chuckles) Homer, Marge, we have a favor to ask.
Too late! You already signed! Oh, wait, there's one more.
Suckers! Oh, wait, you've got to initial this.
Checkmate.
(chuckles) Listen, Homer, we just wanted to know if we could borrow the kids for a weekend at our ski house.
We thought they could pick out their bedrooms.
A whole weekend? I don't know.
Hey, if they can watch them for the rest of their lives, they can certainly do it for a weekend.
I guess.
As long as we don't make it a habit.
Marge, no indulgence of mine ever becomes a habit.
Do you have to do that in front of people? It helps me write.
Just the two of us We can make it if we try Just the two of us Just the two of us Marge, this has been great couples time.
The one thing people with kids desperately need is no kids.
Well, at least we have time to get the pets' Christmas presents.
I don't like the way they just rip the paper off.
Santa's Little Helper, my ass.
(gasps) Hmm? (gasps) My God.
They want to steal our kids.
No one steals my kids, except me, from that theme park jail that I never told you about, except I guess I just did.
We're all caught up now.
Let's go.
MARGE: It all makes sense now.
That's why they took our kids so quick.
Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.
She's gonna raise three kids without wrecking that perfect figure.
Oh, yeah, man.
(groans) Don't worry, Marge.
We'll get them.
Unless we die on this icy mountain road.
Then they've won forever.
Homie, I just had a horrible thought.
(chuckles) Women and their horrible thoughts.
What if they are better for the kids than us? Marge, let me set your mind straight about something.
That spectacular young couple is definitely better for the kids, but those kids are ours, because we made them by accident.
And now we're gonna take them back because we love them, especially now that we've had a little time apart from them.
(crashing, groans) I've got a bone to pick with you.
Then an apology to make.
Then we exchange insurance information.
Then more bone picking.
Homer, Marge, I understand your anger, but your kids are more awesome than the breaks at Waimea.
Those better be good breaks.
Honestly, we fell in love with them, and it just seemed like you guys didn't really want them.
Sure, you wanted the fun parts, but do you want to go to their little league games and recitals? We totally have.
Like clockwork.
Well, I'm glad someone has.
Look, before anyone says anything else, how could you possibly think you could get our kids? It happens more than you know, Marge.
I'm a lawyer; he's a surfer.
That combination's pretty unstoppable.
BART: Well, I'm afraid that we don't want to be with anyone but Mom and whoever she chooses to be with.
Portia, you're the woman I dream of becoming, but Mom is my mom.
Fine, but you're leaving a gap in our lives that can only be filled by foreign travel, sleeping late and gourmet food.
You guys lock up.
We're going to Bali.
(groans) Again.
We've won! (flatly): Whoo-hoo.
Kids, your father and I have decided we're not in such a hurry to get you guardians.
Instead of concentrating on dying, we're going to concentrate on living.
If you call this living.
Why, you little (choking, grunting) I do call this living.
Living the way kids in India can only dream of.
There is nothing like your biological family.
(Homer, Lenny and Carl holding single note) (Lenny and Carl coughing) (Homer continues holding note) HOMER: I win.
LENNY: Win what? HOMER: I forget.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Love Is a Many-Splintered Thing
The Simpsons s24e12 Episode Script
Love Is a Many-Splintered Thing
(panting, gunfire, yelps) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) The Szyslaks.
Already cancelled.
(sighs) Everything I know about women can be summed up by a jump-rope rhyme: "Girls go to Mars to buy candy bars, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.
" Except I didn't have to go to Jupiter to get stupider.
(clears throat) I had a bigger ball of gas I could study.
FEMALE GPS: In three-tenths of a mile, make a right turn.
Homer, listen to the GPS.
GPS: Turn right Homer, watch the road! onto First Street, head east.
Not this road, the other road! Ladies, please! You can boss me around, just one at a time! On Main Street, turn right now Our Sunday drive is ruined! Hands at ten and two! MARGE: What are you doing? It said turn left, not right.
(screaming) BART: Huh? HOMER: Huh? Hmm.
What the? GPS: Switching to male voice MALE GPS: so you will obey.
Finally! A supervisor! Oh So the closest thing I had to an adult male role model were the schoolyard bullies.
Hey, Simpson! I dare you to stick this caterpillar down that girl's dress.
Can't I just stick it in Skinner's sloppy joe? It would actually be the only meat in said Joe.
Not everything can be solved with Skinner pranks, Bart.
Yeah, think outside the Skinner box.
(laughing) Hey, look, that movie we were in got short-listed for an Oscar.
KEARNEY: Awesome! (gasps, bullies laugh) Who's that stickin' a fuzzy-wuzzy down my back? Mary Spuckler! Lady I'm your knight in shining armor And I love you.
I thought you left home to be a star.
There's a lot of with a voice and a dream.
I only got work as a hand model.
Whoa.
That's your hand? Just the thumb.
Did you miss me? (moaning) Get out of my face, cootie breath! I did miss you.
You stink! Come over Saturday.
I'm gonna have to push you in the mud now.
Don't you pig-waller me, mister! Do what you must, darlin'.
(grunts) (laughing) That sure makes up for my dad beating me last night.
And for my dyslexia.
(bullies laughing) (doorbell rings) (yawns) Mary? (shrieks) Thank God I wore the underwear with the hole on the side.
(humming) It's 8:00 in the morning.
I'm a farm girl.
I already milked the cows, overcame a bout of prairie madness, and made you some sausage and biscuits.
Rain is so romantic, don't you think? You get the picture.
Perfect girl.
(imitating Woody Allen): So like a schmuck, I treat her like day-old matzo.
(coughs) (ominous music plays on video game, gunfire) (screams) (screams) BART: Doctors Without Borders, you're now doctors without faces! (monkeys hooting) (laughs) Bart, when are we gonna do girl things, like catch a frog or leg wrestle? Soon, baby, soon.
Let me just kill Milhouse's character.
He thinks we're on the same team.
MILHOUSE: Betrayed again! Mary, could I steal Bart for a minute? Ask his girlfriend, the game.
Oh, Mary, you know you're the coolest person I've ever hung out with.
MILHOUSE: Another betrayal! Bart Simpson, I don't know what the future holds for you If you're lucky, me, then this.
but, Bart, I do know this: you will not do better than Mary Spuckler, so don't ignore her for a stupid video game! Hey, relax.
She knows she's the apple of the corner of my eye.
Bart, do you mind if I call my mother? Not at all.
Mama! Come pick me up, I'm bored! BRANDINE (distantly): You'll have to wait! The mule's takin' a nap! We hope it's a nap.
(video game gunfire) (clanging) Dinnertime! Now, let's enjoy the granola bars that city fella gave us in exchange for lettin' him go.
That'll teach him to try to preserve our folk singing for posterity.
(scatting) Just wait till my dad hears this at 3:00 a.
m.
on NPR.
It'll prove I'm not wasting my life.
You realize you just ruined the recording.
(scatting continues) A lot of musical talent in this house.
But no one blows on a blade of grass like you.
(playing "Flight of the Bumblebee") Eight more payments and I own this.
But are you sure there ain't no video game you'd rather be playin'? All eyes on you, baby.
Well, tell your eye-ears to watch-listen to this! I used to think I wanted to roam But there ain't not never no place None better than home Count the negatives, it all works out.
They say that home is where the heart is But for me it's where the Bart is Now what are you doing? (piglets squealing) I wrote a whole song for you, Bart Simpson.
Least you could do is pay me full mind.
I was gonna enter it in a competition.
!Ay, caramba! Well, you're gonna win, 'cause you've got star quality.
Like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.
You know what? Every now and then you say the perfect thing.
(knocking on door) Mary, it's our turn to use the boyfriend room.
Y'all don't have boyfriends.
We's gonna practice kissing with this French-Canadian mountain man.
Pourquoi m'avez-vous amenÃ© ici? He's still wearing leg shackles.
All men is unpolished stones.
Ou est le whisky que vous m'avez promis? And then I ran right home to you.
You did everything great, Bart.
Then you told me all about it like a true gentleman.
I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.
Ew! On every level, ew! Bart, you have to treat girls like they matter, not like they're a bunch of Milhice.
What? It's the plural of Milhouse.
Look it up.
Listen to your sister, boy.
What I'm saying applies to you, too, Dad.
What are you talkin' about? Marge and I are goin' great.
Homer Simpson! Did you take Maggie to Moe's? It was during Happy Hour.
Don't you want our baby to be happy? Don't you see? You're taking women for granted.
And aside from being lumped together and generalized about, it's the one thing all women hate.
(scoffs) How can something that applies to Bart apply to me? I'm so much older and wiser.
More like balder and wider.
Why you little (choking) I'll teach you to say something that sounds similar! (applauding) Thank you, last contestant.
Tomorrow we will feature the no-longer racist country comedy of Barry the Satellite TV Guy.
Isn't it funny how all people are of equal worth? Please do not boycott my line of power tools.
(laughs) Now all Barry's jokes are about his ex-wife.
No, they ain't.
We're back together.
Then you got no act.
(chuckles) And now, the winner is (drumroll) Devon Peacock! I can finally get my suspender buckled! (cheering) Looks like we got a feud with the Peacocks now.
Uh-huh.
All I care is what you think, Bart.
(whispers): Compliment her.
I don't know what she wants.
What would my heroes say? Slash her face now, Bart.
Slash it while she least expects it.
Bart, tell Mary to play the drums the only thing anyone listens to in any band.
It's hard to pick just one of those.
Bart, you'd better get your act together.
And me, too.
I've gotta get these shirts to the dry cleaners.
They close at 6:00.
Bart Simpson, you get out of that gosh-darned fugue state this instant.
Lift my spirits! Um lifting people's spirits is an interesting topic.
For centuries, Neanderthal and astronaut alike have enjoyed lifting spirits.
You're givin' me book report talk.
Excuse me, I am a Brazilian record producer.
I concentrate in the rapidly-growing jug band-samba fusion market.
Oh, my God! Do you know Billy-Bobaloo Skeeter-Rodriguez? Know him? Before he was famous, he kidnapped my mother! Mary, would you like to have dinner with me and my handsome, girl-crazy son tonight? I am the first boy to get my own liquor ad.
(Latin guitar music plays) Bart, you want to come with us? I need you.
Mary, we've just been through three hours of music.
Usually, I only have music one hour a week, and the teacher spends it reading real estate listings for Fire Island.
I'll see you later, Bart.
Mary, are you okay? Sure.
Everything's fine.
At that moment, I had a vision of every time in my life an angry woman would say "Everything's fine.
" I guess it's just me and the dog.
(groans) Everything's fine.
Now.
(whistling) Melvis? Where's Mary? I brung you regrets from my sister.
She has been de-avoidably untained.
(groans) Am I getting dumped? Okay, Bart, maybe you blew it by taking Mary for granted.
Woman are life's great mystery, along with why do they give you salt and pepper at a Chinese restaurant? But if you want one more shot, I know a date that will turn this mighty Aphrodite into your purple rose of Cairo.
Those are movies I made.
It's my oeuvre.
It sounds dirty, but it's not.
(speaking in French) (snoring) Everyone's fast asleep.
It's like my second wedding night, except more walkouts and there were no refunds.
Gee (couples moaning) Can I see you tomorrow night? Sure, I'll be here with my other boyfriend.
He's watching us now.
BOY: Oh, boy.
Okay, Luann, it's all settled.
We're gonna ditch Milhouse.
Bart, I think it's best if we take a break.
Good idea, I can chuck eggs at the other couples.
Just hug me, dummy.
Back pats? This is a breakup.
You'll be fine.
There's a pot for every possum.
Give me another chance.
I'll be way more attentive to your needs on the seesaw.
I'll stay down there for as long as you want.
Sorry, Bart, I'm a hillbilly girl of 13.
If I'm not married in the next few months, nobody's gonna want me.
Not even old Joe Clabby.
Hey, you're a pretty little thing, you are, but ticktock, ticktock.
Good-bye, Bart.
Aw, sweetie.
I told you this would happen if you dated outside the family.
Mm-mm-mm.
(groans) Move along, relationship's over.
(groans) Sure do like forcing people to leave areas.
Yeah.
MARGE (inside house): I was the only without a date at Patty's new lady friend's travel bookstore soft opening.
You told me it was up to me if I wanted to go.
You should know that me saying I don't care means I couldn't care more.
I am sick and tired of trying to decode you like you're some kind of human being separate from myself.
Bart, would you go to your room while your father and I finish our little talk? Little talk? You guys are having a big fight.
This is the problem with women-- they don't say what they mean until it's too late.
All right, fine.
If you boys want it, I'll tell you what I really think.
Finally, we're getting somewhere.
You're both in the doghouse, which is misleading 'cause I still like the dog.
(sighs) Hand me my suitcase, boy.
When do I get a Krusty suitcase? When you're older.
So this is where you go when Mom kicks you out? You're saying it like it happens all the time.
And by the way, the paint's a little faded on my parking spot.
You call this a platinum club experience? We'll get right on it, Mr.
Simpson.
I told you a thousand times, call me Homer.
Oh, what's this notice on the wall? Standard hotel boilerplate.
It just says somebody died in this room in the last 72 hours.
Aw, man, we just missed it.
(laughs) Oh, it'll happen again, son.
Um, I've got to make a phone call.
Eh, knock yourself out.
D'oh! Not again.
(touch tones beeping) Mary? Ooh, that's odd.
I thought I was calling the Suicide Not Line, because I'm doing great.
So, um, how are you handling taking a break? Great.
Turns out Adele was right.
Ain't nothing better for songwriting than when your relationship takes a bolt to the brain.
Tell me what you think.
I broke up with a fella (samba rhythm plays) But I ain't grieving He was much too proud Of underachieving I can't believe I liked him I must have been blind He wasn't so smart or handsome Or kind Every moment with that boy Was totally horrid And I can't even tell where his hair meets his forehead Why did I buy her that rhyming dictionary? My eyes are wide open Now I see his warts I wish him well, down in hell Where he'll eat his own shorts.
It just poured out of me like venom from a snake.
(groans) I had this idea years ago, but your mother wouldn't let me do it.
shows how much she (muffled yelling) It's hurting my eyes! (gasps) It's so great here-- no wife to get mad at you for closing your laptop whenever they walk into the room.
Or getting your kid hooked on pot.
She's my kid, too, you know.
You know what we need? A classic "kicked out of the house" party.
Now, who's got a rocking CD? I've got the audio book of Robert Caro's The Passage of Power.
That's it? Well, then let's "power" this party up.
ROBERT CARO: Air Force One, the president's plane, is divided behind the crew's cockpit into three compartments.
In the first of them, just behind the cockpit, women sat weeping and Secret Service agents were trying to hold back tears.
"You've heard of strong men crying? Well, we had it there that day," recalls a reporter.
As the pilot lifted the big jet off the Dallas runway, in a climb so steep that to a man I miss Mary.
I miss Roxie.
That's the club where I used to smoke pot with my kid.
This calls for decisive action.
Like LBJ's use of the period of mourning following the assassination to push through the Civil Rights Act.
But how do we figure out what to do? The same way Hollywood does.
By watching British movies.
(people clamoring on video) (gavel bangs) The Prime Minister, that is to say, I would like to make an emergency declaration of love to my poor but cheeky secretary.
What, me? Eliza Commonbottom? I that is to say Flibberty-gibberty.
Ah (Parliament cheering) All the young dudes Hey, dudes Carry the news Oh, yeah Boogaloo dudes Love is more powerful than all my magic.
Hard to believe that country used to rule anything.
Agreed, but to win back our women, we need to make a grand romantic gesture.
OTHERS: Hear, hear.
After we finish watching the movie.
Carry the news All the young dudes Carry the news Let's hear the news, come on.
Hmm, cursive.
"You are invited to a grand gesture"? Ooh.
(orchestra playing "Ode to Joy") I wrote this song to say I'm sorry Dad, don't be a credit hog The melody is by Beethoven Not bad for a movie dog I'll stop eating from the garbage Marge, you will get the last pork chop Oh (all giggling, cooing) A completed chore list.
And I promise to do the things I checked off within a year.
(swooning sigh) Spuckler Mary, please forgive me All I ask is one more chance.
Bart, you're a good duck, but we wouldn't last.
But I'm the main guy in this story.
Things are supposed to work out for me.
Everyone is the main guy in their own story.
My friend, welcome to my story.
And that's when I learned Cupid was just a fat, naked jerk with an arrow.
But surely you didn't give up on love after just one setback? Love is our only defense against the abyss in this meaningless universe.
Love-- what is it? What does it mean? How do you spell it? No one knows.
Fortunately there is a cure.
Any video game ever made.
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Remember, this game is for age 14 or under.
If you are older than that, please get help.
Get help, get help.
Married? (groans) (gasps) MALE COMPUTER VOICE: One message received from The widow Mary Spuckler.
Whoo-hoo! Well done, Bart.
You played that like a combination of Willie Mays and Paul CÃ©zanne.
Who are you? I you know, I-I played the ant in Antz, the lesser known of the ant movies.
Oh, yeah.
(Brandine and Cletus scatting)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Hardly Kirk-Ing
The Simpsons s24e13 Episode Script
Hardly Kirk-Ing
Yee-haw! Ew.
(classical music playing) BART: Dad, what are you watching? I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.
No, you're watching Baby Poindexter, the most educational DVD available at the checkout aisle at the grocery store.
Finally, a kid's show that isn't trying to sell you something.
Which reminds me, we need to order more rectangles.
FEMALE NARRATOR: Friends.
(bells jingling) Friends.
Colleagues.
(gasps) Don't watch that DVD.
I threw that away because studies show it doesn't do any good.
Look at me.
Maybe instead of watching TV with the kids, you could take them outside.
What are you doing? This so-called educational DVD may have even stunted the development of the kids who watched it.
LISA: Wait a minute.
Didn't Bart and I both watch this thing when we were little? I'm afraid so.
Well, the obvious question is, why did I turn out so academically superior while Bart While Bart turned out so wonderful in his own way.
That's the way people talk about Ralph.
Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.
I wish I knew what happened.
(horn honking) (imitates honking horn) But now that I know better, no DVDs for you kids.
Just educational television.
NARRATOR: We return to Ice Road Hand-Fishing.
This has been our way of life since we were pitched the idea by reality show producers.
Welcome to Thieving Bear Chopper Hunt.
Okay, no TV at all.
ALL: What? Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.
Fine.
No TV for 24 hours.
Where'd you pull that crazy number? We can do without TV for a day.
We're taking Maggie to a children's book store, where she can learn the old-fashioned way.
The way children did from 1910 to 2002.
(grunting) Homer, a little help? I'm on it.
Hmm.
Hmm.
If I buy you, why do I need all these books? Shut up, shut up, shut up! Instead of watching TV, we can read children's books written by TV stars.
Who's Milli Vanilli? I don't know, kid.
I didn't write this.
No refunds.
Look, Maggie, they have a story lady.
One day, Silly Sally said, "Let's have a sloppy, gloppy supper.
" First, they slurped their soup.
Slurp, slurp, slurp.
Then they chewed their bread.
Chew, chew, chew.
More soup? Oh, I could slurp this soup forever.
Slurp, slurp Sorry, folks, she doesn't even work here.
(grunting) HOMER: "Spot the hidden objects.
" Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.
Gotcha.
(laughing) Candy cane in the umbrella stand: oldest trick in the book.
Okay, let's see.
Ah, ah.
(mutters) Have you seen Lisa and Maggie? If they're not a trumpet or a rolling pin, then no.
Yip! Homie, help me find them.
Okay, now to see if I can apply my book knowledge to the real world.
Got them.
Wow, no TV for 24 hours? I couldn't get through a day without Doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.
You're right.
I'm bored.
Epoxy fight! (groans) What the hell is an epoxy fight? Oh.
Don't worry, I'll clean it up.
Get me some whip cream and a safety scissors.
Don't worry, all I need is a cigarette lighter and some sandpaper.
(sanding) All right, let's just use a razor.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
You look just like your dad.
Let's see how far we can take this.
And finally the tie.
I always wanted to wear a necktie.
Mom says they make you more (in Kirk's voice): of a man.
Now sing the alphabet song.
(alternating with each letter): A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O What if we Van Houten to the max? (in Duffman's voice): Whoa, that's a little too tight.
Oh, yeah.
Nah, back to the sweet spot.
Milhouse, if people believe you're a grown-up, we can do anything.
(in Kirk's voice): Like we go to a movie theater and pay full price? That would be awesome! Okay, first, tone it down.
Time to teach you to be a man.
What, now I'm not pulling it off? ("Here Comes Your Man" by Pixies playing) Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man.
And put the gas bill on auto-pay.
Nice.
Time for your final test.
(Homer grunting) (computer chiming) Oh, great.
Another invasive Skype from Mil Huh? Hello, Lisa.
This is my daddy.
I mean, um, Kirk Van Houten.
May I speak to your father, please? He's right here.
Homer, Bart would like to spend the night at our house, and he has my permission.
Sure.
What do I care? Not so fast! Huh? I also want to say that Bart is a remarkable boy, and I disapprove of your fathering and of your fat stomach.
Oh, well, uh sorry.
Give him anything he wants-- bigger allowance, a new bike-- just do it.
Whatever you say, sir.
Dad, why are you kowtowing to Mr.
Van Houten? Sometimes it's just so nice to have a man take charge.
And in ten years, make Lisa go to the prom with Milhouse.
Dad.
own-ups have their reasons.
(aggravated groan) Now, I want you to eat a gallon of ice cream in under two minutes.
But I just did that.
You now have one minute, 55 seconds.
(Bart and Milhouse laugh) I'm going to like being an adult.
(laughs) (groaning) Now you're the same height as your dad.
(in normal voice): I can reach the poisons now, each with an inviting skull and crossbones.
Kirk, you' wearing that shirt I bought you.
I thought you didn't like it.
(in Kirk's voice): I love when you buy me clothes.
You know what's itchy and what's not.
Oh, Kirk Evelyn Van Houten.
(humming happily) (in regular voice): I wish my dad could have been here to see my parents kiss.
Now, did you get Kirk's license? Uh-huh.
Ay, caramba! I rented a truck.
I'm driving a truck.
I crashed a truck.
I rented another truck.
Hey, Simpson, don't you have a lame dad of your own? (in Kirk's voice): Uh, I-I'd give you all my money, but my wallet is Velcroed too tight.
You're the wussiest adult I've ever seen.
An adult-- he's buying it.
Kirk, remember, you have the superpowers of a middle-aged man.
Hello, Mr.
Kirk.
I want to buy this beer, uh, cigarettes, magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses.
Polarized.
I suspect you are buying for underage bullies, but as that is 98% of my business, I say, "Thank you, sir.
Come again.
" Yo, Bart.
Your grown-man friend is all right.
We should start threatening more adults.
Wouldn't that make us criminals instead of bullies? Let's beat up a philosopher until he gives us the answer.
Oh, good idea.
Yeah, I'm in.
I made my mom happy and got through the bullies without a punch.
Being an adult is super easy.
Hmm, hmm hmm.
(pops, chuckles) You dope.
It says those are for her pleasure.
Now it's time for me to live my fantasy with mature themes.
I'll go behind that curtain a boy but come out a man.
Hmm, more money for schools.
That could translate into more homework.
I know this is highly illegal, but you're not leaving this booth till you punch yes.
Don't bother screaming for help.
This is a municipal off-cycle election.
There's no one for miles.
(wolf howling) Don't forget your sticker.
(evil chuckling) Uh, hey, bartender.
We'd like two milks, and then you can tell us where babies come from.
Oh, well, in my case, my mom was hit with a voodoo curse.
I gestated for five years, then I popped out backwards and on fire.
Really? Oh, yeah, keep my tail right here in this jar.
(both gasp) Good times.
Mom, I think Maggie misses TV.
You know, Mom, I was thinking we could take Maggie downtown.
The Jazz Hole is featuring a Dizzy Gillespie tribute band.
(gasps) Their trumpeter has the puffiest cheeks.
I don't think so.
The U.
S.
Embassy has warned people not to go to downtown Springfield.
I get it.
Middle child, never do what I want.
Hmm.
Okay, I also know of a puppet show.
Long before the Teutonic slaughters visited upon our people, there was the massacre by Mstislov of Kiev in 1132.
(screaming) Maybe we should go.
Nobody leave till every puppet dead.
Bart, you wanted to show me something? Just one sec.
Nelson gave me some notes on a prank I'm doing.
Now, I asked you here because I know a cool grown-up who will take you to that club in the city.
Really? Who? (in Kirk's voice): Hello, Lisa.
Milhouse? Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he-he's my son.
Well, Milhouse, you might get past the bouncer at the jazz club, because they're in no position to turn anyone away, but it doesn't matter, 'cause we can't pay for the gas and the cover fee anyway.
Au contraire, starfish hair.
The Baby Poindexter Company is being forced to pay a settlement to any parent who had enough misguided love to buy their videos.
They're not gonna write a check to a couple of kids.
Then I will be your guys' dad.
(screams) Thanks, but lowering your voice and standing on paint cans doesn't make you man enough to be my dad.
HOMER: Marge, can I get a subscription to Highlights magazine? MARGE: Homer, that's for children.
HOMER: Where does it say that? MARGE: Read the rest of the title.
HOMER: Highlights for D'oh! (Homer humming) Oh, dang it.
I lost my other earring.
Leave it to me.
Earring.
Oh.
Thimble from Monopoly game.
Wondered where that was.
$25 casino chip.
Oh.
The smallest nesting doll.
Oh.
Can you find anything you like in this bed? Just my honey pie.
Want to split it while we snuggle? Mm-hmm.
(Homer chewing loudly) MARGE: Now what are you doing? HOMER: Licking the wrapper.
There you go, one adult and two children one-way downtown.
Um, as adults, what do we do now? Shake hands? If you like.
And that's how you do it.
(chuckles) Now, remember, I can't sit backwards or I get sick.
Well, if I look at your face, I get sick.
Young man, apologize to your sister.
Make me, baldy.
Why, you little (grunting) (in normal voice): My adulthood! (grunting) I never thought I'd say this, but that is conduct unbecoming of a bus station.
Where'd your babies go? Your intellect-deadening DVDs turned my brother's brain to jelly.
Pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody.
Looks like you're entitled to the full rebate of $19.
95.
That's all you pay for screwing up a child for life? (in Kirk's voice): Kids, let me handle this.
Uh, we'd like it in singles and nickels, please.
Terrific.
Just need your signature.
In cursive? "X" is fine.
In cursive? Oh, it's just enough to get home.
I'm hungry now.
Hey, I'm walking on paint cans all day.
Give me a break.
Guys, look, free breakfast if we sit through a sales pitch.
Just remember, Milhouse, do not buy the condo.
But what if we can't afford not to buy it? Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
Homer, Bart said the kids were going to the Van Houtens', but Luann just told me they're supposed to be here.
They've disappeared.
We'll get those kids back.
Because we just bought them new shoes.
Waldo, Waldo.
Do you think Lisa went to that jazz club I wouldn't take her to? How many kids will jazz corrupt? (tires squealing) Lap pool and fully-quipped gym with eucalyptus towels.
Now, let me give you the 14 different apartment configurations.
The hacienda, the urban oasis, castle in the sky, Connecticut sunset Lady, my stomach's full, and I want to go.
That's how it works in this country.
(beeps) If you try to leave, you'll find the doors are locked.
Well, before our dad signs any contracts, he has a surprise for you.
Oh, I hope it's that he's single.
(laughs) I'm single.
Though, some days, I have a girl buddy on field trips.
You're a bit of a freak.
I like that.
(giggling) You're the adult.
(grunts) (lock clicks) LISA: Kirk, don't you have something to tell her? Just looking for a casual hookup? Yeah, for my Thomas the Tank Engines.
Ooh, I love how I don't exactly understand what you're saying.
Homie, do you see anything? No.
I'm sorry.
It's Wait a minute.
When I said you needed a software update, it was not a criticism.
We found what we're looking for.
The kids? Sure, they could be here.
Who knows? (tires squealing) Ooh, I love how your arms are too short and thin for your legs.
Just like a crocodile.
(in Duffman's voice): I'm feeling a strange, refreshing brew of emotions.
Oh, yeah.
(grunts) Milhouse? (in normal voice): How'd you know it was me? The top of your head has a 5:00 shadow.
(gasp) Your hair is growing back.
Tell me your secret.
He's ten years old.
Oh, there's always a catch.
Is anyone here going to buy a condo? It's going to be yes, but don't rush me.
And worst of all, you cast my vote.
Who did you vote for in the nonpartisan judicial election? Williamson.
No, no, no.
I'm really sorry, Dad, but I have to say, it was pretty cool having your life.
You mean that? I'd be happy to wind up just like you.
I hope you remember that when I can't pay for your college.
Now, how would you like to go to your own parent-teacher interview while I see a movie? I'd like that.
Son, promise you will never look like me.
I sure hope not.
Why, you little That's not a heart-warming thing to end on! Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Gorgeous Grampa
The Simpsons s24e14 Episode Script
Gorgeous Grampa
HOMER: Do the Homer shake.
Hmm.
I can't believe you're reading when there's so much great stuff on TV.
Hmm, you're right.
It is the golden age of well-written, brilliantly-acted TV shows.
(scoffs) Writing is for bathroom walls, and acting is for getting out of DUIs.
The only reason TV exists is for reality shows about white-trash scuzzbags doing subhuman, made-up jobs.
Um Oh.
Ah.
Eek.
Yikes.
Oh.
Ew.
Ugh.
Well Ew.
Ah.
Dad! No.
Ah! Oh.
Seriously? Ah! (bluesy rock music playing) Ooh, jail music! NARRATOR: When storage lockers are abandoned, we open them up! Our expert bidders face off in the ultimate contest to discover the amazing treasures within.
This is Storage Battles! I'll give it one marathon.
I don't care what people say, I am feeling this unit.
No one feels out a unit like CJ.
Not Bubba, not Debbie and Danny, no one.
Mostly worthless junk: family photo albums, home movies, ah, kids' drawings.
Eh, just some nobody.
Here we go, here we go.
Bubble wrap.
If there's wrap, it ain't crap.
Bingo! Antique bayonets.
Oh! I'm talking World War One, Spanish American War.
Crimea, baby.
Well, if you found the right buyer on the right day, and he knew nothing about bayonets, you might sell them for possibly $500.
Definitely $500.
$500! Five hundy! Five hundaminidos! (chuckles) (humming) High-five me, Marge.
I want to know what it's for.
Too late.
We're gonna get rich off the poor and forgetful.
And dead people.
I bet I win a locker full of treasure, like a solid gold bar of silver or Picasso's TV.
Oh, no, no, no.
It is I who will be watching Picasso's TV tonight! (both grunting) Looks like you're not the only predatory opportunist in town.
(gasps) There's other P.
O.
's?! Uh-oh, better put on my game shades.
Do I hear $50? Let me get $50.
Oh, yeah! $100.
Is there $100 out there? Looking for $100.
Thank you! $150, $150.
(strums electric guitar) Do I have $200? $250.
Do I hear (yelling grunt) $350.
Yarr! Four.
Do I hear $400? $450.
Bidding! $500.
(plays bagpipes) $550.
Skinner! $600.
(trumpeting) $650.
$650 going once, $650 going twice (saxophone playing) $1,000.
$1,000 going once, going twice.
Sold to the man who didn't wait for the bidding to get anywhere near $1,000! In the money game, cash is king.
(chuckles) (harmonica playing bluesy music) We spent $1,000 on a bunch of old boxes? You won't be laughing when these boxes are full of priceless treasures.
I wasn't laughing, I was being worried.
(humming) Feather boas? Mine's full of hand mirrors.
I've got perfume spritzers.
Makeup and baby oil.
Tights? Robes? Oh, this stupid locker must have belonged to some old lady.
"Property of Abraham J.
Simpson"? This is Grampa's stuff.
Why would my man-dad have lady stuff? It's not all lady stuff.
Look at all these fitness publications.
Beefcake mags? (gasps) I think your dad might be gay.
Oh, that's insane.
My dad was married to a woman who left him because he ignored her needs for decades.
Ah, my gay dad is gay for gays.
(harmonica playing bluesy music) (groans) I think this is great.
Old gay men are adorable.
Like wrinkle dogs in a wrinkle dog calendar.
Those are pretty cute.
Your dad's been in the closet for so long, he probably doesn't know how tolerant society's become.
They even had a gay float in the Pride Parade last year.
My dad has always been so angry.
Maybe if we help him be who he is, he'll finally be happy.
Oh, Homie, you're so enlightened.
Yeah, gay rights are human rights, baby.
(humming) Are you sure you're not just doing all this because it's cool to be accepting of a gay family member? Oh, honey, that's just silly.
This'll show Helen Lovejoy.
Always bragging about her he-she cousin.
Abe, we found your storage locker.
It's okay, Dad.
We know the truth, and we love you.
What?! The contents of that locker are my private business! Get out! Just admit who you are, and you can find new love.
If you don't want to die alone, come out of your room.
(moaning): Love love love love (all gasping) Hi, Marge.
I was just taking Stanlerina to get her hormone shots.
(groans): Oh.
Your father wasted his whole life being married to your mother and having you.
We've got to find him a boyfriend before it's too late.
Why don't you put a personal ad on the Internet? That's how young people date these days.
It's weird that you don't consider yourself a young person.
I know.
It's weird to me, too.
"Help me out of the closet.
"Wonderful older man seeks life partner before rapidly-encroaching death.
" No fatties.
How about some fatties? Fine.
Okay, post this under "Men Seeking Men.
" But what subheading? Hmm, nothing too serious.
Here we go, "Casual Encounters.
" Perfect! No pressure.
I hope someone saw our ad.
If I can't find my father a man to kiss and cuddle, then I've failed as a son.
(gasps) Someone's coming.
Are you "Wrinkled and Romantic"? Huh? What the heck are you talking about, Spectacles? Oh, I've been hung up on someone for years, but I'm trapped in the friend zone.
(sighs) It's time for me to move on.
So move on.
You're blocking the ducks.
Don't you want to be happy, Abe? Admit who you are, a wonderful gay man.
(stammers) What?! I don't ride sidesaddle! I'm straight as a submarine! Then how do you explain this? Oh, hello, Smithers.
(chuckles) Fancy seeing you in Casual Encounter Park.
(gasps) You're Glamorous Godfrey! Who? Glamorous Godfrey was the most famous wrestler in the world.
And you are he! Is this true? BURNS: Behold.
HOMER: Look at all this wrestling crap.
LISA: Ah.
BART: Ay, caramba! Fine, I was Glamorous Godfrey.
(sobbing) What's wrong? I so wanted him to be gay.
Well, on V.
E.
Day, I kissed a man by mistake.
Thank you.
You were a world-famous wrestler? Spill the beans, old man.
Word beans! Oh, all right, I'll tell you.
It was the 1950s.
HOMER (groans): Oh, those things? GRAMPA: It was the heyday of pro wrestling.
You could make good money if you were the manly mixture of strong and fat we called beefy.
Good guys were called "baby faces.
" And bad guys were called "heels.
" I was the king of the heels, Glamorous Godfrey.
How dare he! That was drinking milk! GRAMPA: My motto was "Always cheat.
" (groans) (groans) But the thing that really drove them crazy was my vanity.
You are the luckiest people in the world.
You get to look at me.
(crowd booing) Grampa, you were the original bad boy.
Yeah, I was boastful before all your football showboaters, rap music-ers and TV beach Italians.
But there was a down side to being hated: being hated.
(crowd booing) (crowd booing) Well, I just couldn't take it.
Being despised was no way to live.
Pshaw! Pshaw, I say! Pshaw yourself! Pshaw! Pshaw! Homer, do something! They're killing each other! Oh, yeah? (muffled shouting) The world may have despised Glamorous Godfrey, but that conceited mother-puncher was my hero.
Please, Abe, let me buy you dinner in exchange for a few tales of the golden age of professional grappling.
Sorry, I been trying to forget those days for 50 years.
But, Grampa, I want to hear about old-time wrestling, too.
Well, it looks like you've made a new fan.
It'd be a shame to let him down, hmm? Fine.
One dinner.
Excellent.
So we'll take the boy and make a night of it.
I don't know.
Should I really let the men who ruined my past and present hang out with the kid who's going to ruin my future? I'll bring you home my dessert.
Text me the choices.
BURNS: I can't believe I'm on the town with Glamorous Godfrey himself.
Tell me of your epic battle with Swedish Olaf Johannsen.
Oh, yeah, "The Fury of the Fjords.
" (shouting in Swedish) (muffled grunting) (laughs) You settled that Swede's meatballs.
What I wouldn't give to see Glamorous Godfrey in action once more.
Would you ever consider throwing your wig back into the ring? Go back to being a villain? Oh, forget that.
Being hated is the worst feeling there is.
(chuckles) You've got it all wrong, my friend.
Once you see it my way, you'll understand that being hated is the greatest feeling in the world.
Don't really care for chasing women Never was keen on booze Don't take cocaine or Mary Jane No, I get drunk on boos Uh, that's B-O-O-S, not Z-E as before.
Uh, we get it.
Because (grunts) You've got to love to be hated Find the good in being bad Oh, the crowd is full of gentlemen But they've paid to see the cad Yes, it's a hoot, a kick, a gas When you're the villain of the show Once you wear black, you'll never go back It's a high to be loathed Chucky, Stalin, Megatron Eric Cartman, Donkey Kong Vader, Nader, Simon Legree Terminators, one, two and three Iago, Joker, Voldemort McEnroe on center court Mr.
Burns and Skeletor Keep your good guys, what a snore When it's your head they wanna sever And your blood they wanna shed You know you're gonna live forever If everybody wants you dead So listen up, because I'm giving The best advice you'll ever know So feel the thrill I know you will It's a high to be Loa thed! I'll feel like I'll live forever as long as everybody wants me dead.
Okay, Burns! Glamorous Godfrey will wrestle again! (all gasp) That cocaine I ordered is taking forever! (indistinct chatter) I can't wait to see Grampa kick some ass.
He's always pretended to be boring, but he's really a straight-up psycho.
Your grandfather is not psycho.
The only thing he's "straight-up" is loves you.
Gorilla Joe, Gorilla Sam, Gorilla Pete, Ook and Eek, the Gorilla Twins.
Where did Mr.
Burns dig up all these old wrestlers? Apparently, old folks homes are full of people that used to be things.
Just like you and me.
Swear to God.
Welcome, aficionados of the roped ring, to a thrilling night of senior-on-senior action.
(grunting) (snoring) (grunting grows weaker) (both snoring) (all snoring) (crowd cheering) Folding chairs! Folding chairs! Can't hit somebody when they're not looking without a folding chair! Can I have one? Can I? Fine.
Ha! And now our main event.
In this corner, Baby Face Palooka.
And entering the ring, America's original vainglorious bastard, Glamorous Godfrey! (crowd booing) (baroque orchestral music playing) (booing continues) (quietly): Yes, feel the hatred.
It makes you strong, powerful, alive.
You are the luckiest people in the world! You get to look at me! (booing continues) (crowd coughing) (crowd booing) You show 'em, Godfrey! You're the prettiest old man in the world! Why do you think bad guys are so cool? Why do you still have a thing for Nelson? I'm not! That's ridiculous! I just it's that he, uh He's a rebel, and only I can change him! (clang) (crowd clamoring, booing) (crowd shouting) (booing) It's so sad that Grampa has to cheat instead of relying on his God-given wrestling skills.
What kind of person revels in disapproval? What kind of person, indeed.
(baroque orchestral music playing) MILHOUSE: It's the prettiest boy in Springfield, Bart Simpson! (indistinct chatter) What's going on? You are the luckiest people in the world! You get to look at me! (crowd booing) Hey! (grunts) (humming) (coughs) (booing continues) Hey, Simpson, tell your kid to quit showboating.
I've never seen anyone so full of self-regard! And I've worked with Bob Balaban! (booing continues) Your behavior at that game was unacceptable! You're lucky they gave you your participant trophy! I got one just for watching the game.
Listen, getting people riled up is what heels do.
Heel? Oh, no.
Tell me you're not trying to be like Grampa! Well, sure I am.
I always thought Grampa was lame, but he's really awesome! Your grandfather is super lame! I mean, if he wasn't a terrible father, what's my excuse for this? (grunting) I know your grandpa seems exciting now, but all that preening and cheating-- those turnbuckle antics are not gonna make him happy.
(Grampa and Burns sigh) Burnsy, I can't remember the last time I was so happy! You grandson- ruining fiend! Look what your number one fan did at show-and-tell! (Bart giggling) ROBOTIC VOICE: Wait.
Ow.
Ah.
Wait.
Who would film such a thing? It's found footage! So what? We could use another winner in this family! How are you a winner? You're cheating in a fake sport.
Fake? Ridiculous.
If professional wrestling were fake, that would make every fan in the history of the sport a complete and utter moron.
Mercy.
You know, I've always had a keen eye for tiny talent.
Perhaps you and the lad could tag-team up.
Wrestle with Bart? Well, he ain't beefy, but he is infuriating, and you can't teach infuriating.
Monty, you're a genius! Bart cannot be an old-time wrestler! As your inattentive son, and your incompetent employee, I forbid it! Oh, why does everything I forbid always happen? (grunts) (indistinct chatter) So, Beautiful, you got your moves memorized? You know it, Glamorous! Eye gouge! Ear bite! Folding chair! Hair pull! Face-fart! Flying face-fart! And then I start fighting dirty.
(laughs) They're gonna hate you so much.
Oh, I get it.
You're here to tell the kid he can't wrestle with his grandpa.
(grunting) I don't care if Bart is a wrestler, a busboy, or even a stoplight squeegee man, as long as he's a nice person.
But if he gets too much attention for acting bad, he might turn bad on the inside.
Eh, that's women-talk.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to comb out my curls! One two three (crowd cheering in distance) Beautiful Bart, can I have your autograph? Sure.
Here you go.
(hawks, spits) (laughs) Eh, hey, Bart, leave some of that bad attitude for the ring.
The world is my ring now.
(laughing manically) In this corner, for truth and justice, Captain Flag and Half-Mast.
(crowd cheering) Now entering the ring, the first family of foul play, Glamorous Godfrey and Beautiful Bart! (crowd booing) (sniffing) You all stink! (crowd shouting) Glamorous Godfrey is dead! (all gasp) (crowd murmuring) I am Honest Abe! (all gasp) And this is Laddie Liberty! What are you doing? I ain't a heel no more, I'm a good guy.
And you're a baby-face.
But-but what about the cheating? No more cheating.
And the preening? No more preening.
But I'm so pretty.
That's for others to say now.
What are you doing, Godfrey? You're a villain, not some bullet-brained rail-splitter.
Without someone to hate, there's no excitement, no thrill.
I don't care.
My grandson's soul is at stake.
How dare you.
I wrote a song for you.
When am I ever going to use that again? Curse you, and this morbidly obese little half-wit.
So, they only want to see a good guy fight a bad guy, eh? (gasps) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa (crowd gasps) He's taking on Mean Man Monty! Go get him, Honest Abe! This is why we go to everything in this town-- it always pays off.
(gasps) Honest Abe, can I pin him? Ha-ha! You know it, Laddie Liberty! (grunting) (crowd cheering) Damndest boos I ever heard.
They're cheering, Grampa.
This is what I've been missing my whole life.
(cheering continues) Oh, that was so sweet.
(sobbing softly) I wish Grampa was my dad.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Black-eyed, Please
The Simpsons s24e15 Episode Script
Black-eyed, Please
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (bluesy jazz music playing) (sirens wailing in distance) (sign buzzing) (clicking) Hmm? (clicking) (scratching) (footsteps approaching) You little! (gun cocks) (saxophone playing the blues) (gasps) (playing the blues) (shotgun cocks) (all growling) (sighs) Mm? (ice clattering) Hmm? Mmm.
(all gasp) (kids chattering) Everybody out.
Everybody in.
Bathroom break! I spilled my pills! Music today has no melody! (tires screech) Everybody out! Children, you can stop writing letters of support to our troops; that was just busywork.
Now, I want to explain Miss Hoover's absence.
She is suffering from severe depression.
(kids murmuring) Not to worry, she has been treated with heavy doses of Lorazepam and other drugs from the Benzodiazepine family.
Now, until Miss Hoover returns, this class will be getting a permanent substitute.
(excited chattering) Please let it be someone smart, motivated, and who won't just teach us corporate-sponsored lessons.
Lisa, without corporate sponsorship, we wouldn't be able to teach you the three R's: reading, refreshment and Raspberry Buzz Lite.
Get your razz on! (tires screech outside, kids murmuring) Confident, Vassar sticker on the windshield.
(gasps) Could it be? Do I detect enthusiasm? She's brought her own orrery! And it's got no Pluto! How cutting edge.
Please be her, please be her.
Is this Ms.
Hoover's class? (quietly): Score! Meet your new teacher, Ms.
Cantwell.
Do not call her by the obvious dirty nickname.
Now I must meet with the new art teacher, Mr.
Testacleese.
(snickering) Lisa Simpson.
Hi.
As second grade student-faculty liaison, I'd like to welcome you Get back in your seat.
If I have any apples that need polishing, I'll let you know.
I understand there are homework assignments.
Mm.
Well done, Ralpa.
If I can't remember the right letter, I just put an "A.
" Well, here's another one.
Well, while you're grading so generously, here's mine.
"B.
" As in, "because I say so.
" (gasps) (Lisa groaning) Nothing brings them around like old cafeteria meatballs.
Meat?! (Lisa groaning) I thought you might be cold, honey, so I put this chinchilla coat on you.
Fur?! (gasps) (chuckles) It's not really chinchilla.
I just thought she needed more sleep.
(doorbell rings) Hey, Flanders.
Can I borrow some sugar? Sure.
Uh, a little cream? Goes with the sugar.
Now if you could make with some bacon and eggs, I'll be on my way.
(sighs) Why don't you come on in and have breakfast with us? Are your kids gonna be there? Eh, for a little bit.
(sighs) Okay.
Homer, you know my parents, Capri and Nedward.
Hey, hey, Homer J.
How many beers did you kill today? (laughing) Dad, don't encourage him! Son, you are the Mayor of Dullsville.
Now, you know we don't discuss politics at the table.
Hello, police? I'd like to report a buzz-kill in progress.
There's no emergency here.
And please charge us for the false report.
I'm going out for a power walk.
Whoa, this room just got a whole lot cooler.
(laughter) (laughs): Oh, man.
(both sigh) Okay, children, ten minutes of free play.
(kids chattering) I'm a fun factory.
Lisa, free play.
But I am playing.
I'm hop-scotching from paragraph to paragraph, climbing the monkey bars of plot and theme.
Ugh, bull-pie.
You're trying to get ahead of the other children.
That's it, you're losing joeys.
Please keep them together.
If not for me, for the mother.
(gasps) Is it possible I've met a teacher who doesn't like me? The joeys go in feet first.
(chuckles) (gasps) Chauncey! (panting) Six miles, and I'm all smiles.
Whew.
Funyuns? Little Debbies? (sitar playing) That's cross-legged music.
(laughter) Look at the size of that bird.
I'd go Henry VIII on those drumsticks.
Homer, I can't believe you're partaking with my parents.
Yeah, it's medicinal.
We had a pain in our neck.
(laughter) (laughter continues) (grunts) I didn't know you were left-handed.
(groans) Homer, you'll need to wear this eye patch for a couple weeks.
And, uh, you may never see a film in 3-D again.
(laughs) But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.
Ned Flanders.
I can't believe you struck my husband.
Marge, I've been racked with guilt and pain.
My mustache fell out; this is a clip-on.
Sorry, Homer.
Now, do you mind if I pray at your bedside? No, I don't.
If you pray to Superman.
(chuckles) Not praying to a character in a comic book.
What about Christian Archie comics? Neither canonical nor comical.
Here, I'll get you started.
Hail Superman, wearing tights, Clark Kent be thy name, one nation, under Zod Not praying to Superman.
Grouch.
Ned, Homie's a little cranky right now.
More than his eye, I think you hurt his feelings.
Give him one of your famous murmurs, Marge.
My what? Your famous murmur.
You know.
(murmurs) I never made that noise in my life! (murmurs) Thanks, Flanders.
Punch my eye, destroy my marriage.
Now just pull the plug and let me die! That's the plug for the light.
(imitating flatline) (sighs) (yawns) Neddy, I know you feel guilty about coldcocking Homer.
Please don't use that word in bed.
(groans) You need to get some sleep.
(sighs) Dare I take another sleep aid? (sighs) Better not take a full dose.
Mmm.
See you in eight hours.
(snoring) (groaning) (gasping) (screams) (gate creaks) Was this always waiting for me, or was it recently thrown together? That's what I want to know.
MALE VOICES: Hey-diddly hell-diddly Welcome neighborino Hey-diddly hell-diddly Welcome neighborino Down here, we worship famous atheist Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion! (laughs maniacally) I'm making Catholic saint stew.
(gasping) (gasps) No, not Surf 'n Murph.
(screams) The answer to my woe must be in here.
Whoo Let's get it on Nope, not that.
Not to my taste.
Flag that for later.
Finally.
I know what I must do.
(school bell ringing) (sighs) Ms.
Cantwell? Yes? Why are you so mean to me? You really want to know? More than I want unicorns to be real.
Well, if you guess, I'll give you extra credit.
I remind you of you? Now you've got a demerit.
This class doesn't give demerits.
Now it does, and you just got another one.
What if I homeschool? You're bluffing; I've driven by your home.
(gasps) Principal Skinner Not now.
I'm dealing with Mr.
Testacleese.
Look, kids can be cruel, Dick.
NELSON: Ha-ha! (singsong): We don't know when we've gone too far! (growls) "Ann, Mark, Bill and Sally are on the Ferris wheel.
"Ann is behind Sally.
Mark is in front of Bill.
" (gasps) Look who's on the Ferris wheel.
Your precious joeys! (laughs maniacally) (panting) Better switch to social studies.
"Eleanor Roosevelt became Franklin's eyes and ears and" (gasps) Here's the new deal: you fail! (cackling) (groans) (grunts) Oh! I wish you wouldn't wear sweaters that the senior ladies knit.
Well, putting my arms in sleeves is about all I got to offer a woman.
(groans): Oh.
What's the matter, sweetie? Is a book character having difficulties? I have a bully at school.
Oh.
Did you tell the teacher? My bully is my teacher.
A teacher can't be a bully.
Oh, they sure can! When I was a boy, teachers would rap my knuckles with a yardstick.
Now you've got the metric system.
We don't have the metric system.
What? This isn't Sweden? And I'm not King Olaf? Oh, I got some explaining to do down at the bank.
CHALMERS: Skinner! Why am I here? Did this fat boy injure his eye in shop class? That place is a killing field.
We're here because our daughter is being bullied by your teacher.
Mrs.
Simpson, this school does not hire bullies.
That's right.
We Quiet, nerd! Well, she's just a substitute.
Maybe you could transfer Ms.
Cantwell to another school.
Nix.
She's already got two weeks tenure, so she's impossible to dislodge.
I hate unions.
There's this guy at my plant, caused three meltdowns, and he still keeps his job.
Homer, that's you.
Oh, yeah.
(chanting): I say, "Union," you say, "Power"! Union! Power.
Union! Power.
(quietly): Marge, you're really dogging it on the "power.
" But don't worry.
Because of the union, you're safe.
So, just what are you gonna do for our daughter? We should talk about what we're going to promise to do, not what we'll actually do.
We really appreciate that.
(murmurs) (bird squawks) Look at those eyes.
There's an employee with a healthy case of the go-get-'ems.
(snoring) Hear that lion's roar of determination.
Homer, Homer, I found the answer! Wha? Huh? Flanders.
How did you get in here? This place is a highly-sensitive area.
Who here wants to touch radiation? "Life shall go for life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.
" Hey, I don't go to where you work and read the Bible to you.
I would embrace such a glad visit.
Just what do you want? I want you to punch me in the eye.
If you do, then we're even, according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
You went and hired a law firm, eh? That's pretty aggressive.
(sighs) Jeepers creepers, pop my peeper! Come on, man.
What's the catch? Homer, just call me a little bubble, 'cause I'm on the level.
Punch me.
Hmm.
Come on, Homer.
I'm insisting on a fisting.
What's this about a fisting? I'm not punching you, Flanders.
What? Why? Because if I hit you back, we'll be even.
But if I don't hit you, that makes me the better man.
And I'm liking the way that feels.
No, you can't.
If I'm not as good as you, then I'm horrible! It's not for me to judge, Ned, because I am the better man! Now, there's no need to Better man, coming through! Way better-better-better! Way better-better-better! Zing! Enough.
You may be the sweater man, but Homer is the better man.
Now you're rhyming?! Oh! I didn't know you were left-handed.
Hello, Lisa.
I was shocked to hear from Principal Skinner that you and I aren't getting along.
You should never tell on a bully, Lisa.
Everyone knows that.
Lisa Simpson?! In detention? Every rap sheet has a first line.
What are you in for, murdering Chopin? (laughter) Chopin.
Can I ask you guys something? Why does someone become a bully? Neglect.
Abuse.
I'm a Cubs fan.
But why would my teacher be a bully? What? Huh? I don't know.
Your bully's a teacher? That means all of us can be teachers.
Boo-yah! I'm gonna buy me a Hyundai Elantra! Oh, cool! Whoa! (sighs): Oh.
Do not cross.
It is that monster that terrorizes the jolly fat man! Come on, people.
You're safe as Sunday with me.
I wouldn't hurt a fly.
(coughing, gagging) I saw the whole thing! That innocent fly flew from that fresh pile of dog feces right into that monster's mouth! (spits) Fear not, people.
I will lead you safely across.
(horn honking) MAN: Idiot! (high-pitched voice): Help me, Flanders.
(sighs) Never get into Heaven.
Took harp lessons for nothing.
ANNOUNCER (over TV): And here comes the tarp.
The word "tarp," of course, is short for "tarpaulin," which Wikipedia defines as a strong, resilient, water-resistant material.
That definition is a hit with no errors! What's wrong, sweetie? My teacher's still bullying me.
Even after we came to school? (sniffles) That just made it worse.
Oh, every time I try to fix things, it just makes things worse.
But I'm gonna fix this.
Uh-huh.
I think I have an idea.
Now there's a baby duck paddling around on the tarp.
You think they move those legs one at a time or both at once? ANNOUNCER 2: Oh, I'd go with one at a time, Vic.
ANNOUNCER: You know, the great Mel Ott used to raise ducks in Louisiana during the off-season.
And when a duck got sick, he would take it to bed with him till it got well.
Mm-hmm.
(doorbell rings) Flanders, I've come to forgive you.
Oh, my prayers have been answered! Well, actually, just this one.
Uh, there is one condition.
You want to hit me.
Well, sir, here's a roll of quarters to put in your fist for extra punching power.
Now, you can shatter my orbital bone.
That'll knock the wax off my candle.
Don't want to hit you.
I want your wife.
(gasps) To elaborate, I want your wife, the teacher, to help get rid of Lisa's substitute.
Edna? You know how you said you could help me with any desire, and nothing was forbidden? Well, sir, I want you to rid of Lisa's bully teacher.
Ooh.
Well, there's only one way: the nuclear option.
How much plutonium do you want? Got to warn you, it might take me Ms.
Cantwell? Yes? I have a new student for your class.
(demonic voices singing) Yo.
Yes, this is a very rare mid-year two-grade send-back.
Something's fishy.
Are you dating this boy? Right.
I can't be around him 'cause he's so delicious.
(laughs) Well, I can't see what harm one kid could do.
When I come out of this, I'll be a butterfly.
(lawnmower whirring) I just went to the bathroom for two minutes.
I know.
Posted a video online.
Stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa.
Okay, you've won.
You've driven me out of this plum substitute teaching job.
Ms.
Cantwell, I can make this stop.
All you have to do is like me.
I I can't.
Wait, wait.
There's no need to leave.
You showed up before the students; that's all we asked.
You two are the worst-dressed gay men I've ever met.
(tires screeching) Ms.
Cantwell, wait! I've got to know before you leave.
Why don't you like me? Lisa, sometimes you just don't like a person.
There's no logical explanation.
It just is.
That is so unsatisfying.
(sighs) Here we go.
If you don't get what you want, you get all pouty.
All you pretty girls are the same.
You think I'm pretty? Right, like you don't get told that every day of your life, with your perfect blonde hair, that Kewpie doll voice that drives the boys crazy.
And what eight-year-old wears pearls? Bookworms like me can't stand party girls like you.
She hates me because I'm pretty! (whoops) Not so pretty now, are you? Can you sign my yearbook? I'm glad the only beef between us is this burger.
Mm, they sure are getting along.
(laughs) They don't know it, but I slipped a little (whistles) into the brownies I gave them.
How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor? This is praying? Let me out of here! (whimpering) (whimpering) Help me, God.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Dark Knight Court
The Simpsons s24e16 Episode Script
Dark Knight Court
D'oh! Mm? A plague is sweeping through Springfield.
A blue bonnet plague.
Springfield's ladies are wearing colorful Easter hats to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
I could write a sonnet About your Easter bonnet And of the girl I'm taking To the Easter parade.
Whoa.
We'd better get this concert started.
The giant chocolate bunny's melting.
Hollow? We paid for solid! Chief, the company's named Bunny Hollow.
I thought that was where they lived.
Look at those delightful children, Smithers.
All those healthy organs, ripe for the harvesting.
Not here, sir.
Not now.
Mm.
Hmm.
Uh, not sure what I'm expecting to happen here.
Here comes flute and piccolos What comes next, the horns, horns, horns The horns, horns, horns Blow, you little disappointments! Ah.
Who could've shoved eggs up our brass? His amusement is tantamount to culpability! Easy, easy.
Let's not jump to conclus Too late.
Already jumped.
Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye.
It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole.
Kill that boy! It's Easter; why aren't these people at work? Good Lord.
Look at all these comical booklets.
Yes, yes.
Just don't exhale your death breath directly on them.
Thank you.
You know, I used to collect these bestapled fables.
What are you reading? The adventures of The Good Shepherd and his sidekick, The Fleecy Kid.
Bah! That's his battle cry.
Baa! The sound which terrifies sheep rustlers the length and breadth of Michigan's untamed upper peninsula.
You should be out in the fresh air, kicking dogs.
I'm gonna buy this publishing company and burn it to the ground.
Why did you have to lock us in? Teach my son a lesson! How much for your entire collection? Um, the speed of light, expressed in dollars.
Just give him Faraday's Constant.
Nice going, Bart.
You've ruined Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.
The legendary grand slam.
You guys, I swear I didn't do it.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that funeral march.
Okay, I'll pay for your damn band candy! What was it, $1,700? Forget the candy! We're here to turn this into this.
Now do me wearing a sombrero.
Now have me sleeping under a cactus.
D'oh! Hand over your son, so we can administer "Band Justice.
" I know this looks bad.
And I admit, I would totally lie in a second to Lisa or Mom or Dad, but I would never lie to Maggie.
I did not do that prank.
Wow, he passed the Maggie test.
And remember how Maggie solved Cookiegate? All too well.
To prove my brother's innocence, I demand a youth court.
That's right! Bart must not be judged by these kids, but by a jury, of kids.
Mostly these kids.
There's only so many kids.
I'm afraid once a youth court has been demanded, we are legally obligated to shut down mob rule, as decided in the case of Rubber v.
Glue and reaffirmed by I Know You Are v.
What Am I.
Son, if there's one thing I've learned as a defendant and a juror, it's stay out of the courtroom.
It's so frickin' boring.
Run, boy! I'll create a distraction.
Anyone can conduct Sousa.
Good news, bad news: we're allowed to select the judge, but it's impossible to find one who doesn't hate you.
I know someone who would make a great judge.
Would you kids believe your Grampa once argued in front of the Supreme Court? No.
Sorry.
Not a chance.
I mean, it's true.
It was back in 1998.
I say individual rights.
I say the common good.
Gentlemen, our system balances both.
Oh, yeah, and how would you know? Attorney General Janet Reno? That's right.
And that better not be your gum on the ground.
Uh, it's not, but I'll take care of it.
Stop doing that.
This is better than being a real attorney or a real general.
The attorney general and I have been playing chess through the mail ever since.
I find that a little hard to believe.
Yeah, why would you play chess through the mail when you can play chess through the Internet? Or preferably, not play chess at all? See here, sass mouth, you're not too big for me to tan your hide.
It's not a threat if I don't know what it means.
I'll fix your wagon! Thanks.
I'd like that.
I get a whiff of the immigrant from these newfangled superheroes.
Hmm.
Reclusive millionaire, stately mansion, damaged psyche.
He's just like me.
Smithers, I, too, shall become a crime-fighting bat.
Hmm.
But I won't become just any bat.
I shall be the terrifying bat who swoops from the sky and sucks the vital essence of his prey.
I shall be Fruit Bat Man! Great, great.
I-I don't suppose you'll be forgetting about this tomorrow? No sooner than I'd forget my own mother.
That's not your mother, that's your bear.
Well, then, where's my stuffed mother? All right, you soft-skulled nitwits, sit up straight, because we finally have someone in this school who deserves your respect: former Attorney General Janet Reno.
Thank you, Gary.
Grampa's story was true? First, I would like to say, rook to E-8.
Checkmate.
Dagnabbit! Youth court is now in session.
God, I love gaveling.
Mr.
Prosecutor? Over the next few days, you're going to hear how the defendant, Bartholomew Simpson, aka the Springfield Egger Objection! Prejudicial! Sustained.
She sustained me.
How Bartholomew Simpson wantonly egged this town with Milhouse aforethought.
Now, hold on.
Principal Skinner, are you wearing hard-soled shoes on this gym floor? No, ma'am.
Sneakers.
You're wearing sneakers to a trial? Oh, God, the press is gonna have a field day with this.
Yay, field day! I can go cuckoo and no one can stop me! That's exactly what George W.
Bush said when he was inaugurated.
People don't remember that.
This case is going great.
Although as usual, I look nothing like the courtroom artist's drawing.
Nice try, Pop.
Very dramatic, sir.
A little more brooding, and there's my superhero.
Now let's get you to bed and Hist.
Look there.
This looks like a job for Fruit Bat Man.
Perhaps we should, uh, just call the police.
The police? Bah! Every last man on the take.
And I should know, because I'm on the give.
I've never felt more alive! Look, I'll give you each $1,000 if you pretend to let that old man out there stop this crime.
Mm.
Mm.
Feel the crumbling fist of justice! Ouchers.
Oh, dear.
Who are you, mysterious octogenarian of the night? I am the squeak in the rafters, the flutter in the chimney, the tiny teeth marks in the peach.
I am Fruit Bat Man.
Now back to my natural realm, the inky night.
D'oh! I'll just take one of these key chain penlights.
You have to keep squeezing this thing? Who has the strength for that? So when I came in, the Monday after Easter, I noticed three dozen eggs missing.
And do you think this boy took those eggs? Him? All he takes are sodas and desserts.
Objection! Unhealthy! But could Bart have gotten those eggs? No way.
They were under lock and key.
No one could have touched those eggs except me and the seagulls that laid them.
No further questions.
Ah, to be young and on trial.
A toast to our enigmatic new protector, who certainly isn't me.
Smithers, wink my eye.
Want to hit the hot tub, Burnsie? Well, I hate to get all pruney, but heated tubbery is what we playboys do.
Great work, everyone.
That's a wrap.
It's nice to make an old man feel good about himself.
You said it.
So Bart couldn't have taken the eggs.
I was with him the whole weekend.
You'd make up any lie for that Simpson boy, wouldn't you? Yeah, but I'd pee my pants.
Nelson.
Dry as a bone.
Now, that's what I call "legal briefs.
" I thought of the joke and rushed over.
Your Honor, I think we've seen enough.
I have demolished the prosecution's claims and made the prosecutor sweat through two shirts.
I move that you dismiss this case and release this sweet, lovable boy.
Motion denied.
Miss Simpson, your grandstanding summation contained a grievous error.
By calling your brother sweet and lovable, you opened the door to testimony from anyone who doesn't think he's sweet and lovable.
The prosecution calls everyone in the world! Mr.
Szyslak, what name did the defendant ask for when he called you at your bar? He asked for, um Mike Rotch.
And then what did you say? Well, I said, um I said, "Mike Rotch.
" Um, "Mike Rotch.
" And then I I'm sorry.
Take all the time you need.
I, uh, I, uh, I yelled out, "Has anybody seen Mike Rotch?" See, they See, they thought I was asking if anybody wanted to see my-my Oh, man, this is so painful.
My crotch.
Thank you for your bravery today.
I just had to make sure that he never did this to another bartender.
Pass the gravy, Gloria All-Wrong.
The trial's not over, and gravy is dead animal juice.
Hmm? Hmm.
Just remember this: a Simpson never gives up.
You got to be kidding! A civilian.
She mustn't know I'm a hero.
Gouge her eyes out.
Mr.
Burns, I came here because my brother is about to be wrongfully convicted, and the man I'm looking for would help me find the truth.
Don't you get it? I don't care who you are or what you want.
Now get lost.
I think you just sent away the first person you could have actually helped.
What do you mean, "actually"? I've punched out four Homer Simpson shaped burglars tonight alone.
All those crooks were fakes, set up by me.
Even the Abominable Dr.
Lenny? No, he was a happy accident.
But the rest were fakes, just like you, a man who claims to be a hero but is nothing more than a fraud with a cute little bod.
They're calling for you, sir, but who's gonna answer? Ah! What the hell is that?! And so I've learned that the only true Batmen are Christian Bale and Adam West.
Why are you washing Bumblebee Man's pants? I volunteered to wash the egg stains off everyone's clothes.
It's one of those things you say and hope nobody takes you up on it.
That's odd.
What's odd? This skirt has a small splatter.
Splatter? Splatter as if the egg had been crushed against it by hand.
I don't follow.
Like someone faked being hit, so they wouldn't be a suspect.
Interesting, except you missed one thing.
What's that? It's not a skirt.
It's a kilt! Oh, the wood chipper.
Is there any sweeter music? Why'd you do it, Willy? Because the world is better off with four fewer Welshmen! Wait, what are we talking about? This kilt says you framed my brother.
Why? Because I hate Easter.
You see, ladies, I'm not just a Presbyterian, I'm a Scottish Old Believer Presbyterian! Old Believers don't recognize holidays not celebrated by the original apostles, especially one named after the pagan god, Eostre! But how did you get the key? I made sweet love to Lunchlady Dora, then copied the key as she slept.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Now, as for your evidence Behold, the pointed ears of justice.
Ah! A human fruit bat! You're so light.
It's like fighting a silk scarf! Or a kimono sash! Yes, feel the weightless tickle of justice.
Which side won? Good or evil? Good.
And which side was I on? Also good.
Well, there's two surprises.
Will the defendant please rise? It's amazing how much exercise I've gotten from those words.
Pause the inquisition! Behold the real egg-flinging fiend.
Aye, 'tis true.
I pulled the prank, for some daft Scottish reason.
I'd fire that man if he weren't so damned good at what he does.
We have a school full of professionals, sir.
Really? Where is that school? Inside your head? Another mystery solved by Attorney General Janet Reno.
Case dismissed.
You saved me, Lis.
For the rest of my life, you'll always be my one phone call.
Aw, but I do hope you'll try to be good from now on.
Don't need to; I got you.
Children, let me be clear.
Despite what happened here, last minute confessions, shackled Scotsman and meddling billionaires are not how the legal system works.
Well, the last one is.
Today, you were truly a hero.
Thank you.
Excellent.
You know, if you're gonna be a hero, you might not want to tent your fingers like that.
Is this better? Maybe you should wrap your hands behind your head.
Maybe I should wrap them around your gabby little throat.
Ah! Tenting, tenting! Back to the tenting! Acquitted? Then my nightmare isn't over! Well, Fruit Bat Man, it seems you're no match for me, the Abominable Dr.
Lenny! Gentlemen, this threat is too great for just one elderly hero.
We have no choice but to activate The Octogenarian Initiative.
The Rambler And then there was the time I taught a dog to make oatmeal.
Early Bird, Hot Flash, Iron Lung.
It is time to pull up The Dependables.
I open one, no trump.
Double.
You've just made a powerful enemy.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  What Animated Women Want
The Simpsons s24e17 Episode Script
What Animated Women Want
Maybe tomorrow When he looks down On every green field Ooh, ooh In every town All of his children In every nation There'll be peace and good Brotherhood What do women want? Throughout their herstory That's right, I said herstory.
Of plant Earth, men have attempted to answer that question, and failed.
Or should I say, "maled".
Ha, ha, ha Keep it under your head guys.
That I've got a date with a married woman.
So let me guess.
Is it Marge? Her husband's gonna be there too.
Got it.
You and Marge.
Give up? It's Marge.
I'm having a lunch date with my wife Good one.
Yeah.
You got us man.
Ha, ha.
A date with my wife.
Yeah, well I got plans for lunch too.
I'm lying under a tree.
Hmm.
Everybody's got something.
Ooh this is the coolest sushi restaurant in town.
It got three and a half stars in the Springfield Tire Guide.
When we got married, I promised you a life full of romance.
Now here it is.
Not fresh enough.
Can we get some soy sauce? We do not recommend soy sauce with that particular roll.
No soy sauce! You and all your ancestors banned! But-but I but Edamame them away! You really think that's going to get rid of us? How you like this soy sauce? The customer is never right! If they can be that rude, the food must be great.
I was just leaving a tip.
Tip included! Oh, Marge, this is amazing! I never realized some restaurants are better than others.
I hope you are enjoying your sushi.
It's as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial said.
I argued against that cowboy hat, but in the end, it worked.
So, without the kids, we can have sophisticated grown-up talk.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm! And I'm thinking of getting Maggie swimming lessons.
Beats drowning.
When God rested on the seventh day, did he take a nap or do a hobby he enjoyed? I think I'm interesting! What?! What?! You're interesting! Why would you say that?! Can you chew with your mouth closed? It's like looking into a garbage disposal.
Words hurt, you know? The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.
Maybe it's time for a visit from Wally the Kissing Walrus.
Everything has its breaking point.
Even the strongest substance in the universe a married mother of three.
That usually works, but not today.
Uh-oh.
Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous! Uh, conversation, conversation You look great.
And, uh, how was your day? Lousy.
You can't spell "lousy" without "us.
" I'm going to take a cab.
Marge, wait! Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.
I'm not going to sleep.
Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.
Oh, my God.
A marriage so perfect that I could take it for granted for years suddenly explodes.
What do I do? What do I do? For a man confronted with danger, two responses immediately come to mind.
I like that picture of the sneaker with the wings.
I'm gonna flee! Where's an electric sidewalk when you need one? Fleeing didn't work.
I have no choice.
I will have to do whatever the other thing was! As Homer prepares to fight for his marriage, another battle between the sexes begins on the other side of Springfield.
Just once, I wish Lisa would get up, come over and sit next to me.
She's getting up! She's coming over! This is a nightmare! I think our lunches got mixed up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That means I threw yours out.
But I still have a couple of your mini carrots.
Mm-hmm.
What's the matter? Not a vegetarian? Milhouse, got anything good? Sure.
I've got goulash, schnitzel, salmagundi Ooh, a cupcake.
Oh, yeah Um do you want it? Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna give up my cupcake for a second of attention? Isn't there a better way to relate to a girl? Go wash up and help me clear the table.
Now, that's how I clear the table! He could board my streetcar any time.
Why doesn't Blanche go for that delightful Karl Malden? Who, Potato Nose? Forget it.
For some stupid reason, chicks dig Brando.
Sweaty clothes and mumbling? I've been wasting my time with this sophisticated act.
Lisa, you can't have my cupcake.
Wha? You heard me, Duchess.
It's mine, and I'm saving it.
Oh, okay.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go think of you in a different light.
Great.
She's never gonna talk to me again.
I'm sorry I was inconsiderate, Milhouse.
And furthermore, I respect you more for saying no.
Tell you what, babe.
Why don't you get me a milk? Milhouse, where are you going with this? Playing the biggest hunch of my life.
I just have one thing to say: chocolate or regular? Huh? Why am I doing this? What are you doing, going to Wisconsin for the milk? I've seen cafeteria ketchup move faster! Who knew having a backbone was attractive? Certainly not I.
It would change the way my suits fit.
Milhouse, you'll probably think this is lame, but I was gonna go for a nature walk after school, and I thought maybe you'd like to Just start nature-walking.
See if I show up.
Milhouse has made his choice, and if there's any justice, he's doomed.
Now let's see what Maggie's up to.
Moving on Why are all his laundry-basket shots three point attempts? What are you doing home from work? I'm fighting for you, babe.
Fighting like I would for the last slice of cold pizza in the box.
And to show you how serious I am From the gas station? From the place beside the gas station.
Hmm.
Well, that does sound good.
I'll just stick this in your apology card drawer.
No.
I'm tired of your broken promises.
"Marge, I'm gonna lose ten pounds.
" "Sweetie, I'll be home at 8:00 p.
m.
" "Sweetie, I'll be home at 8:00 a.
m.
" "I'll take you out to the most romantic lunch of your life.
" I'm done! Marge was so happy when I made those promises.
What changed? Milhouse, seeing you there saying nothing it's the cutest you've ever been.
Uh Hush, sweet boy.
Let me get lost in the blue of your eyebrows.
Whatever.
Did you bring me that sandwich what I sent you out for? It came with fries or salad.
Whichever you picked, you picked wrong.
Well, I wasn't sure, so I got both.
Who knows her little Milhouse? I'm acting like a jerk, and Lisa's eating it up.
Why don't I feel good? I need advice from the most important woman in my life.
So everything was going great, and then I wondered if the me she likes is the real me.
Well, let me say this is the first time you've been brave enough to sit in this office without a bunny in your lap.
Where is the bunny?! He's in the closet.
He's fine.
I'm over here, Milhouse.
Focus.
You got to help me, Doc.
I just don't know what to do.
Don't worry, I'm here for you, and I'll be here for as long as it takes.
I'm fired? You're on your own.
I'll clean out my office immediately.
I'll show you how to clean out an office! I don't usually say this to kids, but don't be yourself.
Because yourself is not working.
Be that guy you just were.
Gotcha.
Oh, I love you, Fluffy Fella.
I just got fired! I need it more than you.
Fluffy Fella! Fella! Meanwhile, Homer was doing something very difficult for him-- thinking.
How do I win Marge over? I could get her kids to like me.
No, that ship has sailed.
Hmm.
Fortunately, the modern man has a third alternative.
Hmm.
Would it make a woman happy to do the things she asked you to do? I think it would.
Searchy, where can I find brake fluid? There are 14 Taco Joes in your area.
That was yesterday.
"Yesterday" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
Where can I find a better voice-activated search machine? Oh, I can't please any woman.
Milhouse, I'm not sure why you left me in the forest, so I made cookies.
But I didn't know what kind you liked, so I made seven kinds.
I've become my mother.
Well, common sense never goes out of style.
That was too easy.
Lisa! Did you see Marlon Brando in "Mutiny on the Bounty"? No, nobody did.
Then this is just me.
Ta-da.
Bart! Milhouse! Hmm.
Okay, let's see how straight it is.
Guess who's coming to dinner.
What have I told you about comical entrances? Sorry.
But you never said anything about comical exits.
Homie, what are you doing? I'm planing down that door that always sticks.
I put training wheels on Bart's bike, and made an appointment with the dermatologist to see about my slowly receding hairline.
Oh, Homer.
Yes, my love? This list is from six years ago.
Oh, well, you know how, in the Special Olympics, they give medals just for showing up? How many times do I have to tell you to quit comparing our relationship to the Special Olympics? When all is lost, a man's mind turns to one thing and one thing only.
What fish may I deplete from our oceans for your passing pleasure? Perhaps some shark fin soup? Whale tonsils? Baby dolphin blowhole? Turtle smile? I'd like a lot of food, and for this to be the last decision I have to make.
Aye, you want omakase-- chef's choice.
You're all I have left.
I trust you completely.
And I you.
Let me run your credit card to celebrate that trust.
Okay.
This should do it.
Thank you, Mr.
Franders.
Lis, you saved us.
Milhouse, are you okay? Milhouse, for Superman II, I got $5 million for three days work, so don't expect any more free advice from me.
How about me, Potato Nose? Uh later.
I see tears in your toro.
Marriage is so tough.
Every second, it could explode catastrophically.
Makes me not want to come home from my job at the nuclear plant.
I say marriage is like fish.
There are parts so delicious they could've been sliced from angels and parts we make into omakase.
Omakase Where have I heard that word before? You haven't-- now, finish your omakase.
Although we have but one ocean, it offers many special delights.
Wow.
Wow, this is the most delicious analogy I've ever eaten.
I need to share this insight with Marge.
Put this in your finest Styrofoam.
Once again, by eating alone, I have saved my marriage.
Please enjoy, with my compliments.
You can even eat the eyes.
Hmm.
He ate the eye.
Marge? For reasons I forgot in the car, this sushi represents our marriage.
But what I know for sure is that I want to share it with you.
He's taken a step.
He's really close.
All he has to do is not eat a piece before I do.
Okay.
But every man deserves a second chance.
As long as he doesn't I'm not hungry.
Good night.
Well, at least you don't have to suffer, boy.
Someone fed my sushi to a dog! You didn't get so mad when I told you I was fired today.
Blessing in disguise.
Now you can get your PhD.
I don't want a PhD.
I want a baby.
Here we go again.
Lisa, I could be anyone for you.
Except someone who's mean to you.
So I'm just gonna cave in and give you the cupcake.
I don't know it's four days old, I just ate Who are you, the Queen of Siam? Just take the cupcake.
Okay.
I wonder if Brando liked cupcakes.
I'm down to two a day, but I've been dead for ten years.
Aw, Moe.
Can you think of a way to please a woman that starts with "F"? Hey, you know, it's funny you should mention that.
I've been reading that, uh, Fifty Shades of Grey, and it turns out that what chicks want now is a guy to give them what for in the bedroom there.
Whoo-hoo! I'll woo her with whoo-hoo.
Ah, you know, if this is what women like, I should be a lot more popular.
But it does inspire me to work on my fan fiction.
"Sheriff Andy took Barney in his arms "and kissed him deeply, then said, "'Now, if Aunt Bee asks, we were down at the fishin' hole.
'" I-I can't be the only one who likes this.
Hello, there.
The minister's wife-- what are you doing here? Um protesting.
Is this dominating enough for you, sweetheart? Go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car.
Help me out here, Homer.
Listenpal, this may sound kind of kinky, but, uh, I would like to, uh, please my wife.
Well, are you comfortable with role play? I think I could give it a shot what-what, governor.
Bob's your uncle.
Okay, no role play.
Oh, Marge.
Come to the garage.
You know it'll be good 'cause I'm saying it in a singsong fashion.
It's a snuggle dungeon.
Hey, Homer, can I get back my What does this do? Now, just relax.
Sit down Not in that chair! It has no bottom! This is not putting me in the mood.
Anger's a mood.
Why would you think I'd like this? I don't know.
It's just that you always say we should try new things.
But I thought snuggle clamps just might rekindle Quick, call the Procter & Gamble help line! Really? Geez, they make everything.
Huh? Oh, my God, Marge is here.
What is she thinking now? I'm glad you're okay.
Mmm? Now, I'm going to give you a powerful muscle relaxant.
Hmm, that was just a placebo.
What does that mean? Powerful drug.
Homer, I'm glad that you tried, even though now I can't find the washing machine.
It's behind the Dingle Swing.
Oh So you forgive me? Not because of what you bought, but because I realized that no matter what, you will never stop trying, and there's nothing a woman loves more than that.
Aw, thanks, honey.
So, uh, you're not cool with any of the toys? Actually, I'm cool with one of them.
Which one? Not gonna say.
What size batteries? D.
Ooh, how many? Sixteen.
Holy moly.
And so Homer and Marge's marriage was saved for another week.
As for Milhouse and Lisa Aw, that's sweet.
And those are the only two that reached the window.
What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble That's what you get for all of your trouble Are we forever to be trapped here in this sea? Look, a light! Perhaps that is the way forward.
Our journey begins.
On the next new Simpsons, Springfield fights off a bedbug invasion.
In two weeks, on Fox.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Pulpit Friction
The Simpsons s24e18 Episode Script
Pulpit Friction
Hey! D'oh! Our poor couch.
It sure has taken a beating over the years.
Might be time to get a new one.
Really? You want to throw something out just because it's a little old? Hello, everybody.
Rotten, damn, lousy Ow! Are there any two words more exciting than "couch shopping"? No need.
Already went online and ordered a new couch just like the old one.
And, you know, Marge, those salespeople weren't really our friends.
But they let me take fabric samples.
They charged a deposit.
They had to.
It came from corporate.
That's right, sweetie, it always comes from corporate.
Hey, this one's going to Springfield.
Chumps.
Don't everyone know that all New York furniture is full of bedbugs? Forget about it! It's forgot abouten! Ooh, wow.
Mmm.
New cushion smell.
I'm gonna put all my stuffed animals on it.
All right, get comfy.
Gentlemen, the fort is complete and will stand forever.
No way the Nazis will get in here.
Oh, I thought we were the Nazis.
The latest New York fashion has come to Springfield: bedbugs.
Ew, just hearing about them makes me itch.
Ooh, ooh.
Funny how the brain does that, huh? It's making me see them.
The brain is so stupid.
Those are bedbugs! How did we get bedbugs? Probably one of Bart's dirty friends.
Boy, why are your friends so dirty? Don't know.
Why are your friends such drunks? TouchÃ©.
I know this seems bad, but nothing brings out the best in Springfield like a crisis.
Bring out your bed! Bring out your bed! No! Hold my hand.
People, there is no need to worry.
I have developed the perfect bedbug repellant.
You see, behold the power of modified bear pheromones.
Marge, Milhouse was clean as a whistle till he played with your boy.
Now, we don't know it was the Simpsons.
I think the most obvious culprit is the poorest family.
'Tweren't us.
We don't even have beds.
We sleep in washtubs and coffins.
Why won't somebody blame the children? Well, the good news is it forced us all to church.
You know, in the Middle Ages, people took refuge in church to escape the bubonic plague, but that made the plague spread even faster.
Church! Everyone, please, calm down.
Reverend Lovejoy is here.
He will give us succor.
The Epistle of Jeremy is often cited as the most difficult book of the Apocrypha.
But to me, none of the anagignoskomena are more contemplative than the book of Tobit.
Mind if I p-p-pray through? It's the parson.
Are you gonna let a sunny summer day be ruined by a few b-b-bugs? God's soldier in cardigan.
Looks like I picked a swell day to return your six iron, Reverend.
Now, looky here, Tim.
This is a five-alarm brouhaha.
Now, for chili, that's just dandy, but I brought you a little backup.
I think I'm more than capable of handling this.
Need I remind you of the bingo riot last summer? God called all their numbers that day.
Please meet your new associate minister, the Right Reverend Elijah Hooper.
He was the number two man from Shelbyville.
Introduced angle parking.
We got in six more cars.
Folks, isn't he something? Big hand for Reverend Lovejoy.
Mm-hmm.
Everyone says great things about you, Tim, and I can see why.
The posture, the haircut, the tiny feet.
It's amazing they hold you up.
But they do.
They do.
So charming.
It's like he's selling silver polish at the state fair.
Look, here's why I'm here.
Church should make you happy, like a warm mug of soup.
Why does it taste better from a mug? I don't know, but it does.
God help me, I'm paying attention.
Okay, who here has read Leviticus? Mmm! Okay, now, who here has seen Meet the Parents? Me! Me, me.
Me, me, me, me.
Hilarious film; showed a whole new side of De Niro.
At first, he couldn't stand his son-in-law, but then they patch things up in a comical fashion, remember? The point is, at the end of the day, we love each other.
And that's all this thing really says.
So, don't waste your whole Sunday listening to us.
Go home and watch one of the Die Hard movies on TV.
They're always on, and they're always good.
And, ladies, drop in on a neighbor's open house just to see what they did with their sun room.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Now, go on home.
We're here every Sunday, just like Snoopy in color.
Aw.
Can you believe this guy, Helen? Hey Helen? Tim.
Yes, Helen? My wedding ring is creating a glare.
Can you hold it? This is the worst 17th Sunday in Ordinary Time ever.
One day out of rehab, and I Ooh Whoa.
Mmm, debugged and fresh as a daisy.
Cool.
They give you a bag of the bedbugs they killed.
Homer's oatmeal, meet your raisins.
Homer's Pie Man costume, Lisa's red dress, Lisa's red dress, Lisa's red dress, Sunday Best Bart Where is it? My wedding dress! Vodka? Is this Krusty's? A high-voltage monkey prod? It is Krusty's.
He must have my dress.
Let's go.
What's the hurry? I don't want a comedian knowing my dress size.
Wait a minute! This has oats in it! Ooh, a nose hair trimmer.
Yeah, I found a wedding dress in my dry cleaning.
We used it in a sketch.
Where's my mail-order bride? Ugh, how long was he in there? Don't worry, we cleaned up the crate real good.
What about my dress? Oh, gee, I'm afraid that dress is long gone.
I threw it out the window during my post-show hissy fit.
Some of us don't have dressing rooms.
- Wooden! - Plastic.
Wooden.
Plastic.
Why do we always argue over coffee stirrers? You know what's really stirring? Live, local theater.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, before I let a Holy Joe walk in this bar, I got to know which of the two true faiths you represent.
Well, I represent an easygoing offshoot of Protestantism.
That is the wrong thing to say to a snake handler.
Easy, Moe, easy.
Ah, this thing's just loaded with rock salt.
I use it to keep the raccoons out of my fridge.
And, of course, to coat the rims of my margarita glasses.
Uh, Padre, can I be honest with you? I've sucked every church book ribbon there is hoping to find one made of cherry.
But there isn't.
And if it's such a "good book," how come there's no blurbs on the back? Not even David Sedaris.
And he'll flack anything.
Seriously, "pews"? Homer, I love your passion.
It's terrific.
It's really something.
Listen, I'm just thinking.
Would you consider being my deacon? Deacon? Is that like one of those weird Catholic priest things? No, not at all.
It's like a sexton or a rector.
Oh, now we're talking.
But why me? Because, if I can get the man who sleeps through church to be my guy, this town will know that religion can be fun.
Well, I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim.
But, as we say in the snow plow business, I'm your astronaut.
What do you think? I didn't think Shotgun Mike's Bridal Store had a nice dress, but you found it.
Homer, you're not supposed to see the dress before the wedding.
Just looking for the bathroom.
This is not the bathroom! Aw, but this paper towel feels so good.
I'm sorry your dress is gone, Mom.
Oh, sweetie, it's not for me.
I wanted you to wear that dress at your wedding.
Well, then, you shouldn't feel bad, because I can't imagine myself ever getting married.
Homer, your daughter doesn't want to get married.
That would save us several hundred bucks.
Tell her she's wrong! Right.
Uh, I don't understand, Lisa.
We let you get up early to watch the Royal Wedding.
Hey, I have a weakness for pomp.
Since when? So, you see, what Jesus is saying really can be explained by an episode of Californication.
Oh.
Now Reverend Lovejoy will lead us in song.
God lifts you up where you be God lifts you up where God lifts you up Um give me a minute.
Uh, but first, let me introduce our new deacon-- Homer Simpson! It's an honor, sir.
Homer Simpson a deacon? But why? You bring in the lost sheep, and the others will follow.
Lost sheep.
Yes! Sis boom bah! I don't think there's a place for me here anymore.
Heading for the door, pushing the handle.
Left foot across the threshold.
Now the right.
Walking to car.
Stepped in hole.
Twisted ankle.
Tremendous pain.
Keep it elevated.
Church bulletin? Church bulletin? Find out in whose loving memory this week's service is.
The answer may shock you.
Dad? You always hated church.
Now, for the record, I hated the building, the people in it and the spirit it represented.
I never hated the church itself.
And now, finally, I believe in something bigger than myself.
The only thing bigger than you is you tomorrow.
Why, you little lamb.
Oh.
Mustn't kill own son.
Only God can do that.
Day by day Day by day Oh Dear Lord Three things I pray To see thee more clearly Love thee more dearly Follow thee more nearly Day by day Day by day Day by day Church bulletin? Church bulletin? Church Someone finally took one.
I'm mentioned in it 'cause I'm sick.
Sorry, Maggie.
I just don't have the touch today.
Mom, I found your wedding dress.
How? Using something this town has never, ever seen-- good, honest police work.
I staked out the alley and befriended the garbage man who took it.
Then he gave it to a local theater company, who used it in the first unsuccessful version of Mamma Mia.
In a bankruptcy sale, it was bought by a young couple.
That couple right there.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Oh.
Thank you for finding it, sweetie.
And seeing someone else get married in it is better than having it myself.
You never know, Mom.
I'm only eight.
I might get married someday, even if it's only a green card marriage to keep a Chinese dissident from being deported.
We can have the reception at Wong Lee's.
Day by day, day by day The deacon's job is pretty okay Pretty okay I'm going to be a deacon, day by day I'm already a deacon, day by day Dad, the Oogle street camera's driving around town today.
Want to go moon it with me? Son, I'd love to, but I'm a deacon now.
My butt's place is in my pants.
Church songs with clapping.
I don't think this is what Martin Presbyluther had in mind when he founded our religion by sticking his Three Suggestions under the Pope's windshield wiper.
Mr.
Flanders, this new reverend has thrown tar in your half-pipe, too? I don't understand that on any level, but yes.
Well, let's get Lovejoy back.
Do you know where he is? He's in a place full of brimstone and exposed flesh.
You mean he's selling hot tubs? Yes.
The 7500 is all about jets, jets, jets.
That's the one place you cannot cut corners.
That, of course, and underwater speakers.
That sounds expensive.
I need this, Apu.
Sir, can you please turn up the bubbles so we can argue in private here? We wouldn't have to do this if you remembered your Hindi.
Oh, I remember it.
I'm just pretending I can't understand you.
Reverend, we want you to come back.
Well, let's face it.
I wasn't cut out for that job.
Nobody listened.
Look, the boy's not even listening now.
He's right-- these underwater speakers are amazing.
Reverend, this is just the kind of tomfoolery that's been on the upswing since you left.
Pure, unadulterated tomfoolery! We shall take the 7500.
And not a single jet more! Sorry, Ned.
I finally found my calling.
How are you guys fixed for decking? Oh, what a surprise.
A huge new expense you didn't tell us about.
We've lost him.
Buddy, there's a 50 in my vest pocket.
Will you buy us some beers? The only cool thing about my dad was that he hated church.
And now he's turned into a fat version of Flanders.
No offense.
None taken.
God doesn't need Twitter to reach people.
He uses leprosy and plagues.
Hmm.
Plagues.
Ew, locusts.
Darkness.
Yawn.
Bingo! Flanders, are you willing to get Lovejoy back by hook or by crook? Neither, and I don't like it when other people rhyme.
Yes, but if I do something, will you look the other way? Hmm.
I'd like to turn in this boy for thinking about doing something naughty, and myself for waiting 30 seconds before bringing him here.
Whatever.
Take 'em away, boys.
And that's why Flanders will never, ever be my partner in crime again.
Thanks for bailing me out.
Yeah, but don't push it.
There's only so many times I can tell Nana it's my birthday.
Now, what's this prank? First, we got every dead bedbug in town.
To think those exterminators were just going to throw these beauties away.
Now, to leave a nice, clean trail of bugs out of the swamp.
The frogs follow, and Hooper's got a plague he can't handle.
Ugh! One of these bedbugs is still alive.
Much better.
Ow! He took my contact! Aah! Now I got two in one eye! Remember you said, "When hell freezes over?" I think this is close enough.
Huh.
I'm in no position to argue.
Help! Help! What should we do? We need guidance.
I have a plan.
Save your civic leaders.
Calm yourselves.
In times like this, there's one almighty being we can put our faith in-- Reverend Hooper.
It's okay, everyone.
Who here has seen The Blind Side with Sandy Bullock? Remember when Big Mike was overwhelmed with scholarship offers? Well, that's kind of how we are with these frogs.
To hell with your references.
We're dying here.
I'm more frog than Moe.
Ribbet.
Ribbet.
Do something.
Um, video games, uh, Twitter.
Uh, How to Train Your Dragon.
Fight Club.
Aah! The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
His words have soothed the amphibious beasts! His boringness saved us all.
Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Where do you think you're going? Let us pray.
All right, we collected all the personal information from Flanders comma Ned.
Let's move on to the next house.
Hmm, that's weird.
Four spheres-- two small, two gigantic.
Better zoom in.
Compliments of the deacon.
Day by day, day by day I've got three kids And two are okay Two are okay One of them is the baby The smart one is mine maybe I hope the boy gets rabies Day by day by day Day by day Oh, I pray Day by day by day By day.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Whiskey Business
The Simpsons s24e19 Episode Script
Whiskey Business
D'oh! Oh, boy.
Hmm, is that the radon detector? Mom's deleting old TV shows off the DVR.
What the?! Marge! You're deleting the 2009 Oscar Red Carpet! There were some awesome dresses! And quite a few disasters! Fine.
What would you get rid of? Well, I can't part with a single one of my Hoarders, hands off my episodes of Episodes, and if you delete Revenge Oh, fine.
I'll just get rid of these Itchy and Mitchys.
For every one of my cartoons that you erase, I rip up a family vacation photo.
And just so you know I mean business, here's an ear! All right.
At least I can delete these Westminster Dog Shows.
Fine.
I'm getting rid of this American Masters "Kitty Carlisle.
" It's not what you think! So I stayed up for the last 87 hours watching all my show Nothing's gonna delete these.
Guys, there's something I want to tell you.
Something important.
So who do you like, the Padres or the Tigers? I'm not talking about baseball.
I'm asking if a priest can beat a big cat in a death match in some kind of polygon.
Hexa or octa? Only one way to decide: arm wrestling.
Eh, who am I kidding? They don't care about me.
Suicide.
Finally.
I'm really doing it.
No more cries for help! 'Cause this time, there's no one that's gonna save me! I mean, it's not like I'm begging you, please, please show me some love! Yeah, it's nothing like that.
Eh, maybe I should call.
Give one of the new kids a chance to talk to the legend.
Hello, you have reached the Buzz Cola Suicide Hotline.
Our options have changed, so please listen carefully.
State the reason you are committing suicide.
Nothing to live for.
You said, "Business problems.
" Is that correct? No! I got nothing and no one! You said, "Face sucked off by vacuum cleaner.
" Is that correct? No! No! Help me! Help! If your face is in the vacuum cleaner bag, press "one.
" I just want to talk to a human being! Please hold for our next available life-extension agent.
Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can Oh, that tears it! No more delays! Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a Mr.
Ron, first name Moe.
Moe Ron? Moron.
It's you, you little puke.
I am gonna tie a rope around your neck and hang I'll show you who's a moron.
And that's why libraries use newspaper rods.
Whoa! I know CPR! I took a class where you do chest compressions to a Bee Gees song.
How deep is your love? How deep is your love? Are you sure it wasn't "Staying Alive?" Too on the nose.
I really need to learn 'Cause we're living in a world of fools Breaking us down When they all should let us be We belong to you and me I believe in yous.
You-you guys, you saved me! You do care! Now, wait a minute.
Got to make sure you're okay.
Who's the president now? Some jerk.
He's back! I really want to thank you all.
You gave me a new lease on life, and I'm gonna take this opportunity to What's the point? Same old stinking world.
Ah, this post-suicide afterglow gets shorter every time.
Homer Simpson! The woman I love! I sent you to the store to get applesauce for Maggie two hours ago! Well, uh, I was just leaving, but Moe had an accident! What kind of accident? I, uh, may have tried to end it all.
I wasn't even good at that.
Excuse me, will you? That poor man.
We've got to do something to change his life.
We could write on his face when he passes out.
Yeah, that's always good for a laugh.
No, no, it has to be something big that'll change his whole outlook.
Why don't we take Moe on a road trip? Aw, that, hey, that's really sweet.
Hey, can Noosey come, too? Moe, this trip is about turning your life around.
With the three desperate barflies that you see every day.
Maybe I should come, too.
Four guys, a chick and a noose.
Just like the movies I like to watch.
Grampa's in charge of you kids while we go to Capital City.
Ooh, you're a good eater today, Maggie.
Bart, you're in charge of Grampa.
There's a swinging town I know called Capital City Come on, Moe, stick your head out the sunroof.
You'll look like the richest dog in the world! Eh.
Lighten up, man.
The big city! Wow, look at all them countdown clocks.
Acres of rainforest left, deaths by lung cancer.
It's magical.
All I see is two million people happier than me.
Moe, I know things haven't been easy for you, but you're with people who love you in the most exciting of the twin cities.
Capital City has a twin? Moved to California to be a star, but it just turned into Glendale.
So what do you say, Moe? Will you give me a smile? Well, I'll try.
Maybe if I just tilt my head back here.
That a boy! And you'll feel better You'll feel better, you'll feel better Better than before You'll feel better, much better No, you won't get down anymore Okay, Moe, one more surprise.
Gentlemen's Whorehouse? Whoa, ho, ho! No, no, it's a Wearhouse.
We're all gonna chip in and get you a new suit.
A new suit?! Oh, ho, ho! I'll be the best-dressed john in the whorehouse! But, listen, are you guys sure you want to spring for something that expensive? Yes, 'cause every time you wear it, you'll know how much we love you.
Like the one pair of blue pants I bought Homer 20 years ago.
They're like a wedding ring; I can't take them off anymore.
Oh, Moe, this suit really brings out the herringbone in your eyes.
Hmm.
Nah, it's a 44 long.
I wear a 38 hunched.
Got anything for a man my size? Absolutely not.
Tent City is across the street.
Tent, eh? Hmm.
No husband of mine is wearing a tent.
No tents, no barrels, no kiddie pools.
Thank you, fashion police! Hey, not bad, not bad.
And look over there, Moe.
That's me? Hey, thank you, guys.
Thanks.
It's a brand-new day! Okay, final checklist.
Checklist ready? Check.
Mom and Dad still gone? Uh, check.
What about that snoopy girl reporter that's always hanging around? You mean my sister? She's your sister? The plot thickens.
Clueless little Lisa doesn't suspect a thing.
Whatever Bart's doing, it's got to be pretty bad for him to get me tickets to this amazing jam session.
All the greats are here: Jellyroll Jones, Boston Cream Basie, Birthmark Billy Jackson, Grabass Walker, the Fatneck Sisters and Bleeding Gums Murphy? I got this bratty brother He bugs me every day No, that impossible.
He's dead.
I lay a saxophone reed at his grave every year.
Lights and magic, Lisa.
You don't need anything else.
But I took a bunch of stuff anyway.
Well, maybe if it's in good taste.
Aw, come on.
Five seconds to slip-off.
And four, three Boy, what are you doing up here?! Also, what am I doing up here? Bart, you said your grandfather wouldn't bother us.
I gave him a caramel.
He should have been chewing for hours.
I couldn't unwrap it! I got you, Grampa! Hold, bolo, hold! I don't want to die! I want to still be a burden! Please be okay.
How deep is your love? How deep is your love? Boy? Yes, Grampa?! Kiss my forehead.
Man, I must real love him.
I'm not gonna die today.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Let's get all our grandfathers and chuck them down this thing.
All right! All right! Why am I in the basement? Shouldn't I see a medico? If the Wilsons' calf is birthed, Doc Miller should be available.
Thank God your mental powers haven't deteriorated.
Well, why the hell am I down here?! I was supposed to be in charge of you.
I can't let Mom and Dad know what I did.
But I promise I'll take good care of you until you're well again.
No deal! I'm getting out of here.
Ooh, wow.
My tailbone! And it was my last good bone.
There, there, you'll be fine.
I'll take care of everything you need.
I want a foot rub.
Yes, but do you need one? Nobody needs one! Now start rubbing! Rub harder! Sorry, pal.
"Sorry, pal"? Hey, that's common courtesy.
The kind I've only seen in movies.
This suit is amazing! Eh, this dump is too filthy for a man with a positive worldview.
I'm gonna start cleaning.
Dirt.
Carpet.
Another layer of dirt.
Congoleum.
Hardwood! The perfect floor for doing a happy jig.
And now to light up the sign and let the world know that the new, improved Moe's is open for business.
Hmm.
Wow, non-losers? Huh, I never thought I'd see the day.
Gentlemen, what can I get you? We'll take anything you've got aged 15 years or more.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Well, actually, I do have this bourbon that I brewed myself.
It'll either be the best thing you ever had or the last thing you'll ever have.
Mmm.
Huh.
Wow! Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Moe, we're venture capitalists.
We turn dreams into money that mostly goes to us, but you get a little.
Tell me more! How many bottles of this Kentucky Kool-Aid do you have? Just the one, but I could whip up two or 300,000 more.
Moe, you got a great product, a fantastic suit, and we're gonna give you everything you need.
Startup money, branding specialists.
Corporate jets, private drivers.
If your feet touch the ground, we've failed.
This is all so sudden.
Now it's not.
I'm in! Only one more thing we need to do.
Check this out with our focus group.
So, what do we think? Be honest, now.
I love it! I've made a lot of mistakes, but liking this ain't one of them.
Every time I call Grampa's phone, I get no answer.
Uh, he told me he was gonna nap most of the week.
Oh! Oh, good.
Well, he needs his sleep.
Time for your meds! Come on, blue! Come on, pink! Come on, come on, come on! Take it, take it, there you go, yes! After a pulse-pounding race, hypertension pills win again.
Call me crazy, but I can't stop betting on dementia.
Now, what say we turn the hot water on and off while your father's taking a shower? Oh! Hot, oh! Cold, oh! Thank God I'm not in the shower! Hmm.
Grampa, we've been spending so much time together, I almost feel like you're part of the family.
Aw.
And I've been wondering.
Not like I miss having my afternoons free or anything, but are you starting to feel better? Absolutely not! My crotch is crotchety, sitting down makes me uppity, and you call these cups pleated?! Okay, okay, just checking.
"Dear She-Done-Left-Me Records, "Once again, I write protesting your holographic exploitation "of blues icon Bleeding Gums Murphy.
"I call for a boycott and girl-cott of your entire catalogue until you" Sonny Rollins? That's right, Lisa.
And I'm here to beg you to stop writing those letters.
You're siding with record companies? This isn't about money, Lisa.
From Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower, holograms have introduced some of our leading dead people to a new audience of people with money.
Resetting, resetting.
From Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower You're a hologram, aren't you? No.
Resetting, resetting.
Have you no shame?! Does this answer your question? My name is Princess Di And I'm here to say When I watch a DVD, it's got to be Blu-ray.
Take it, Gandhi! First Bank of Springfield-- say "Mumbai" to high checking fees! Hey, thanks, guys.
I ain't never been to no fancy rooftop party before.
No beer? That's a pretty big screwup.
Moe, we got a special surprise.
You like chicks with nose clips? Then you're really gonna be happy.
Bring it, girls.
Hey, that is the most accurate picture of my face made of girl-parts that I have ever seen.
And it's not decadent 'cause you can ask interns to do anything.
Thanks.
Thank you so much, Ken and Glen.
Ah, you're welcome.
Anything to celebrate your I.
P.
O.
tomorrow.
You know what that is, right? Um Moe, we love your whiskey, we love your backstory, and we love that suit that hangs off you like silk on a skeleton.
So, starting tomorrow, we're gonna sell shares in your company to the public.
All you do is show up at the stock exchange, ring the bell, and you'll leave a rich man.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Enjoy your last night as a Democrat.
Dang it, my suit's stuck in the door.
No, no, no! This building's got 98 floors! And I'm going down to P-6! P-6! Moe? What are you doing? Midge, uh, the suit got a little mussed up.
I-I got to ask you, is it noticeable? Thank God the kids aren't here.
I was.
Aw, without my magic suit, I'm nothing.
The suit wasn't magic, Moe.
Don't you know the story of Dumbo the elephant? I didn't go to movies as a kid.
Spent all my time at the pierogi factory.
Dab the potato, fold the dough.
That was my Star Wars.
Well, Dumbo had a magic feather.
He thought he needed it to fly, but it turned out the magic was in him the whole time.
So you're saying Moe is Dumbo, his bourbon is the giant ears, and we're that flock of racist crows? The crows weren't racist, the people who drew them were.
Okay, I get it, I get it.
It wasn't the suit that made the bourbon, it was me.
And I can do anything.
Don't stand up! Except stand up.
Grampa, I made your favorite dinner: teething biscuits soaked in buttermilk.
Oh! Oh! The pain! You're completely fine! I've been taking care of you, giving you love and attention for nothing! All right, boy, I admit it.
I've been faking being hurt, just like I fake liking those terrible homemade Christmas gifts you give.
But Mom said it was a gift made with love.
Did she? No.
Even she thought it was crap.
But what you did wasn't for nothing.
It was the best two weeks of this final horrible part of my life.
Well, you are the first thing I took care of that didn't die.
Oh, I hear that a lot.
Hey-ya, guys.
Security, there's a homeless monster up here! Hey-hey-hey, I'm your partner, Moe.
N-Now, let's go make us a fortune, huh? Look! It's Quasimodo without the pathos! People, please, please.
My name is Moe Szyslak of Makers Moe Bourbon, ticker symbol: M-O-E.
I'm the CEO, and I promise that I will hand-brew every bottle with these very hands, huh? I-I'll supervise production, I'll manage marketing.
My face is gonna be on every bottle! And we will only use the finest ingredients made in America.
Glad you're back, Moe.
At least I don't have to train the new bartender to make what I like-- beer to the top.
Not today, old friend.
But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  The Fabulous Faker Boy
The Simpsons s24e20 Episode Script
The Fabulous Faker Boy
D'oh! What the! Hmm? Ew, cheap PVC smell.
Oh, no.
I'm an action figure! And I hate action.
Hiddiley-ho, articulated neighborino.
Beautiful day, isn't it? Why, it's practically mint on card.
Shut up, Flanders! This reality ain't all bad.
Pastry power, activate.
Whoa! Beep, beep, beep.
Homer, give me a yank.
I'm lonely.
Typical.
Homer, this isn't the way to the mall.
The mall? I thought you said Badass City! Tokyo drift.
I'm fatality.
All right, Dad! Hey, put the chicken one back on.
Urgent message from Nelson Muntz.
Go on.
Haw.
Haw.
Well, I am going to write a note back to Mr.
Muntz.
Sorry about that.
So, Mrs.
Simpson, the reason you're here Let me guess.
You need a field trip mom.
A library volunteer? Someone to Purell the CPR dummy? Resusci-Kate is just fine, thank you.
We're here to talk about Bart.
What did he do now? Oh, today, I'm not here to talk about what he did.
I'm here to talk about the future.
What did he do in the future? I'm not sure what he's planning, although there is a lot of Internet chatter.
I want to change his character: less Dennis the Menace, more Casper the Ghost, if he were still alive.
What if Bart took music lessons? Music classes could channel his destructive impulses into artistic expression.
I myself have been taking flamenco lessons.
Got it, music lessons.
Mother! Right.
Right.
Inside.
Oh, stupid clog.
My head hairs! I'm bald! Get get get in there.
D'oh! Aw, damn it! Welcome back to America's Most Tattooed Baby.
Now, if the Lindblads can fit just one more tattoo on baby Jennifer-- and she's getting pretty full, I can tell you that-- they win the grand prize of $100.
So what'll it be? Walk away! Walk away! TV's gotten so lousy.
Did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns? TV's not so bad.
Sweetie did you ever think of doing something a little more creative with your time? If you're worried about your Mother's Day present, it's in the works.
I was thinking something more artistic.
Something musical.
You could take advantage of a fantastic musician living right here.
That's the kind of riff you can aim for after years of practice.
We start off with the fun stuff: music theory.
Don't worry, music theory's just a fancy word for music math.
My dear boy, you undoubtedly think of the slide whistle as merely a whistle that slides.
Let me disabuse you of that misperception.
Pass.
Do you have any idea how difficult Bye, now.
Behold! From the pages of Dune and Dune Messiah, Gurney Halleck's beloved zither: the baliset.
Pass.
When I die, you will carry on the tradition of the Frink-e-min.
Pass.
Ah, Mr.
Homer.
I see you are wearing the bald man's beret.
Is it that obvious? Oh, yes.
The only thing that screams "I am hiding hairlessness" more is a goatee.
I'm as smooth as jazz.
Oh my wife has never seen my head naked.
Maybe I should wear a cowboy hat.
A cowboy hat means "I'm ashamed of my small penis.
" Don't even ask me what this means! Yee-haw! I'm a-compensatin'! New student.
Sit at piano.
My daughter teach you.
You, mother! Come to kitchen and see picture of my dead wife.
That's okay.
I No, no, no, no.
She is not dead in picture.
Uh she is dying.
Let's go, Bart.
So, you want lesson? Yes.
I want lesson.
I accept your whip.
A girl who likes candy? Wow.
So, how much are lessons? I give you something you want you give me something I want.
I'm sorry, did my voice go all evil? It is common with Russian accent.
You'd better be asking for something PC: pie or cake.
Here's my offer: my daughter give lessons, you teach me to drive car.
There might be some nagging involved.
Deal! Now we toast with vodka.
Ah.
Now we drive! Huh? Homer, I recommend getting drunk on my most expensive beer: Duff Platinum.
Hey, what the? But I used the best label paste.
Those two hairs were what was left of my youth, Moe.
Hey, come on, there's sexy bald, like, um Babar, king of the elephants.
I read his books as a kid.
He married his cousin, Celeste.
That was my takeaway.
Those royal elephants have trainers to keep them in shape.
Average schmoe like me, forget it.
Well, let me see how bald you are.
Whoa whoa! Dear Lord.
Here.
Oh.
You need this more than I do.
Just just what exactly is this good for? It's nice when something you plan in your head for so long comes to fruition.
Where you going, Bart? Piano lesson.
Ooh, piano lesson.
We put two of those guys up there just for using a big word.
"CachÃ©" is not a big word.
Clickety clack! Wait, wait.
I'm not learning anything.
I'm just going 'cause the teacher's pretty.
Okay.
But you'd better steal bananas for all of us.
I will! Let me go.
I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.
What gender? You're not allowed to ask.
Okay.
Check your mirrors.
Hands at 10:00 and 2:00.
Slowly back out of the driveway.
Aah! Mmm Daddy said I was a accident.
Okay, let's try again.
That is so beautiful.
Did you write it? These are scales.
Now, memorize: Every good Boris deserves farm.
Let me try.
Every good booger deserves flicking.
Your tongue is nimble, unlike sausage fingers.
Sausage fingers! Do what I do.
Druguyu nevestu Drugoi iyunya Drugoi solnechni Medovyi mesyats Yeshche odim sezon Yeshche odna prichina Dlya vupi makin' Ah Dlya makin' Whoopee Scales! Lesson over.
Lesson over.
Aah! What are you doing? I want to go backwards.
Like Russian economy, under Putin.
Stop making Putin jokes.
You sound like police under Putin.
Ugh.
Speaking of police I'm sorry, Officer.
I believe my license is, uh somewhere in these pairs of easy-fit blue jeans.
Eh? Eh? That's not the way American police do things.
Finally.
Someone who knows what a traffic stop is really all about.
Uh, Chief, don't you think those jeans are a little tight? We're all not high-waisted like you, Lou, okay? I'm just gonna lie down in the backseat here.
Okay.
All right, the blue knight is ready for action! What's wrong? Every note you play sounds like dying animal writhing on keys.
Awesome! I just want to get more students and help my father with his dream.
Buying a limo.
He could tell big shots in the back that, no, they cannot smoke.
Seriously, I'm gonna make you proud.
I have hidden talents.
Oh, Bort, if only you make such a miracle happen I would love your hands forever.
Wait a minute.
You can't hear.
I am so proud.
I would've been happy if Bart was just a piano mover.
Thank you.
I owe it all to Zhenya.
Can you teach my boys? But no tickling the ivories.
You treat them with respect.
Can you teach my monkey? Then I can deal with the Musician's Union instead of the Humane Society.
Much easier to muscle.
Zhenya, I couldn't have done it without you.
And you.
Bart! Bart, I've never been so proud of you.
Never, never, never! And now I'll always be at home in a saloon.
Something smells fishy.
Yar, that would be me.
But I agree.
There's something funny here.
Is it me? No! Oh Hey, your baseball cap's one plastic bump tighter than usual.
What gives? Okay, guys, here's the deal.
I've gone bald.
Then again, who cares? Yeah, you already landed a hot wife.
That's the only reason men evolved hair.
What are you talking about? You lured Marge in with your hair.
You trapped her with marriage.
You skinned and field-gutted her by having kids.
Now she's mounted on your wall for good, with fake glass eyes and a rubber tongue.
The way you put it, it sounds so perfect, but it's not.
You sound seriously depressed.
Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's? It's not even noon.
Yeah, I've got a watch, egghead.
I couldn't help overhearing your predicament.
Mainly because my hearing is so great.
Who are you? The answer to your prayers.
Are you my guardian angel? If so, can you turn a pumpkin into a chariot? Even a used Camry would be okay.
No, just a regular hairless Joe like you.
Been bald since I was 23.
With the money I've saved, I bought a yacht.
Whoa You're cool with it? I haven't even told my wife.
You wait for the right moment, you show her that glorious dome, and then you rest it sweetly on her bosom and let the kisses flow like rain.
Wow, is that what your wife did? No wife.
I just slept with thousands of bald women.
Caught your recital, Bart.
Lisa, isn't it great to have a musical genius in the family? Helen Lovejoy, you always have to stir the pot.
Unlike you, when you make your lumpy clam chowder.
I guess Bart must be a musical genius, because frauds are always found out.
Always.
My work is done.
Now to reward myself with a case of wine.
Hi, Zhenya.
I'm here for my lesson.
Good to see you, my love.
Sit on porch.
Are there other people in here? Because of your performance, I win many new students.
me on.
I got to learn my mom's stripper music by midnight.
But if I got you all these students, shouldn't you be grateful? Oh, of course I'm grateful.
Here is cushion for porch chair.
Go to "bata boom.
" Mopped myself into a corner.
Oh Mom, you'd still be proud of me if I couldn't play the piano, right? Of course.
But very, very, very angry at all the time I wasted.
Gulp? Was that a gulp? Are you getting a sore throat? Let me give you some castor oil.
Hmm You'll need your voice to say, "Thanks, Mom," after your next recital.
My wha? I signed you up for the 10-And-Below Talent Show next week.
Huh? You know, I'm almost 11.
It's not really fair.
Bart, when you were on that stage, it felt like you were pouring those notes right into my heart.
Hey, one of those notes could go to your brain and kill you.
Are you sure you want to take that chance? A proud mother always does.
First of all, you're over ten years old.
Second, you're clearly Justin Bieber.
That's another 25 bucks we'll never see.
Gosh! Who can make the sun rise? Why won't anybody tell me? Oh I'm sorry.
I was faking it.
I lied so I could see Zhenya.
Zhenya.
Oh, Zhenya.
Everyone knows Zhenya.
But there's really only one girl whose opinion matters to me.
My mom.
I'd like to go home now.
And to think you'd do this on Mother's Day.
Is it too late to make you breakfast in bed? Uh, Mom? I'm sorry I pretended to be good at piano.
And I'm really ashamed that I lied.
Excuse me.
Mrs.
Marge, I took my driver's test.
Did you pass? More or less.
If I eat an orange wedge, the whole thing's gonna blow.
Well, I'm glad your side of the deal worked out.
What are you talking about? Your boy is genius! No, he cheated.
Marge, in Russia, everyone succeeds by cheating.
Even Russian dressing is just Thousand Island.
But your son is a good boy.
He cheated for love, and he cheated for you.
Thank you! All right.
A chance to make a new friend.
Listen, sweetie it was wrong of me to force my dreams on you.
Yeah, your generation won't have any dreams come true.
Sweetie, you're just gonna be who you are.
Well, who am I? You are unique, you are special, and at some point, that's gonna come together and work for you.
I know it.
Thanks, Mom.
And that means no punishment, right? Wrong.
You have to walk all the way over to Grampa to take a plate of cookies I baked.
Here's your new plate, Grampa.
Oh, boy! There's crumbs on it! Marge I have something to show you.
Is it your impression of Mr.
Burns eating soup? Because I'm not in the mood.
No, it's something else.
So? I've always wondered what you were hiding under your curly locks, my beautiful yellow melon.
Hair, no hair I don't really think about it.
Confidence is so attractive in a man.
Tell me about it.
Oh, Marge, when you hold me like that Thank you, God.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  The Saga Of Carl
The Simpsons s24e21 Episode Script
The Saga Of Carl
D'oh! It's been a brilliant night of women's tennis with Petrevkova narrowly edging Mashakova.
We take you now to doubles action between Pavlyuchenkeka-Vilnikova and Strakova-Mishtnupetrateva.
To me, it's legs versus boobs.
What the? Change the channel? But I'm watching soft-core tennis.
Ki-Ya Karate Monsters! What the hell is that? It's our favorite show.
Mom said we could watch it.
Did she really say that? Are you gonna walk upstairs and ask her? No.
From a Shaolin monastery in darkest Transylvania come helpful hell-spawn.
With homicidal honor, they rampage for peace.
Ki-Ya! Ki-Ya! Ki-Ya! You like this now? What about Planet Jackson and the Earth Brigade? Dad, we don't watch that show anymore.
It's for babies.
Planet power! Kung Fu Werewolf chop! Blob Jitsu kick! Stop it.
No Karate Monsters at the dinner table.
It's Ki-Ya Karate Monsters.
Samurai shampoo blast! Ninja throwing soap! No Karate Monsters in the bathtub.
Ki-Ya Karate Monsters.
- Happy birthday, Dad.
- Happy birthday, Grampa.
Did this really happen? Pill attack! Actual sword attack! I've had it.
No more Karate Monsters.
Ki-Ya Ki-Ya That's it.
Tomorrow, we're doing something educational.
We're going to the science museum.
Damn it.
Finally, actual science.
You did it, baby.
You promised no fun, and you delivered.
Ah, hello there.
I am Blaise Pascal, inventor of the probability theory.
What are the odds of meeting you here? Excellent, I would say.
My friend Silly Squirrel is about to buy a lottery ticket.
Silly Squirrel, do you know the probability of winning the lottery? I don't know.
Why, you are more likely to be run over by a car.
Or be hit by lightning.
Or murdered by an acquaintance.
If you understood probability, you would never play the lottery.
Guys, this science exhibit told me how stupid it is to play the lottery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you didn't buy our weekly ticket? Are you nuts? You can't win if you don't play.
Hey, it's time.
Turn it on, turn it on! Four lucky numbers for four best friends.
Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Games-ed in the womb.
best year of my life, 1996.
My number's 22.
No reason.
Just 22.
And I'm 69.
Because people always laugh when you say "69.
" No one knows why.
And the winning numbers are three, 19, Oh, my gosh.
We won.
We won the Springfield Lottery.
That's 200 grand.
That's 50,000 bucks each! Guys, guys, we got to celebrate, throw a raging party! I'll cash the ticket.
Homer, Homer, you get the food.
I'll get mini Dumpsters of wings from Garbage Wings.
And, Lenny, you get the drinks.
But we're already at a bar.
Oh, no.
That's just gasoline and hot dog water.
Who cares? We got the money.
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
To the best feeling in the world money.
Guys, I got big plans for these winnings.
I'm going to build a swimming pool.
In-ground? So freaking far in the ground, baby.
What about you, Carl? What are you gonna do with your share of the money? Oh, uh, I guess Carl ain't back yet from cashing in the ticket.
I'm sure he just got held up in traffic.
Yeah, that's probably what happened.
I wonder what's keeping Carl.
I hope our friend wasn't in an accident.
I'm glad we're the kind of people who are worried about Carl's safety instead of thinking that he ripped us off.
I wasn't thinking that.
Carl's our good friend.
Our good friend.
Yeah, good old Carl.
Good old Carl's phone went straight to voice mail.
Again.
The power of friendship is so amazing, I don't feel at all suspicious of Carl.
Drive faster because of the power of friendship.
Carl's gone.
Our money's gone.
We've been betrayed.
By good old Carl! Guys, I think we might need a new song.
Four best friends Who never quarrel Homer Simpson, Lenny, Moe and And And no one.
All our lottery money, gone! If I ever see that Carl again, I'm gonna freeze him, chop him up into ice cubes and scoop him into the urinal trough at the Gathering of the Juggalos! Guys, give Carl a chance.
I'm sure he's gonna come back.
I don't think so.
His travel neck pillow's gone from its pedestal.
Fellas, he ain't coming back.
You don't know that.
I'm gonna keep looking till we figure out what really happened.
See, I bet he flew to Quebec to bring us back authentic French-Canadian sugar pie.
I can taste it already.
Mmm.
Thanks for the sugar pie, Carl.
Hey, what's this? "I've gone home.
Good-bye forever, Carl Carlson.
" Where'd you go, Carl? Had plans for that money, too.
I was gonna be one of those guys who's really into hot sauce, you know? Hot sauce suspenders, hot sauce pajamas.
Bolo tie with a little chili pepper on it.
I still can't believe it was Carl who took your winnings.
I thought it would've been you.
Or you.
Or you.
I know.
Me, too.
It's the ultimate screw-over.
Maybe he had a good reason to give you the ultimate screw-over.
He said he went home, and his passport is gone.
What country is he from? Uh Uh I don't know.
You don't know where Carl is from? Come on, you know how dudes are.
We don't go digging into the past.
We talk about guy stuff.
Like baseball and trucks and when guys lift too much weight and their bungus drops out.
You know, guy stuff.
Maybe if you'd talked less about guy stuff, you'd know more about your so-called friend.
Well, it don't matter no more, Midge.
Carl is gone, and we're already auditioning replacements.
This could not be more offensive.
Man! Oh, of course.
Ugh! Hmm.
Hey, hey, get that out of here! I don't ever want to see that moolah-stealing jackpot thief again! Wait a minute.
Something's reflected in the lenses of Carl's sunglasses.
I just need to get closer.
He's looking at a geyser.
And there's a sign in front of it! Oh It's too small to read.
Oh, it's backwards.
Try this.
"Strokkur Geysir.
" Hmm.
The geyser is one of the most famous natural wonders in Iceland.
I guess that's where Carl's from.
Ice-land? Is that even a real place? I thought it was Superman's Superman cave.
Iceland keeps the most detailed family records of any country in the world.
There! Carl was adopted by a couple who lives outside Reykjavik.
Well, if that's Carl's home, then that's where our money is! And that's where we're going.
We got to pack.
I guess I'm only bringing one guitar on this revenge trip.
You're going so far away.
I'll miss you.
Baby, I'm going for us.
That money is going to dig us a swimming pool that'll take our broken family and make it whole.
We're not broken.
We're broken.
We're pretty broken.
How am I going to sleep if someone isn't pushing me all the way to the very edge of the bed? I've already taken care of that.
Oh Oh, that's perfect.
I can't wait to see the smile on Carl's face when we surprise him.
I call first hug.
Hey, Lenny, when are you gonna wise up? Carl never wants to see us again.
I'm done talking to you! This is funny.
It says here Iceland is green, and Greenland is icy.
The Vikings switched the names to trick everybody.
It's funny.
That's pretty good.
Great gag! Hey, Vikings, it's still pretty damn cold! I only packed shorts.
Excuse me, uh, we're looking for our friend.
He's, uh he's about so tall, uh, wears a jacket, he's, um, got no visible tattoos Just say he's black, Moe.
You say he's black! His name is Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson! His family has been hated for 1,000 years.
How do you know about Carl's family? Our country is very small, very judgmental and very nosy.
Ingimar Ogmundsson, how progresses your gonorrhea? It heals, but slowly.
Why does everybody hate Carl's family? Here's why.
This saga tells of how Carl Carlson's family were the watchmen of the coast, always keeping an eye out for invading hordes.
Iceland's safety depended on their vigilance.
But the Carlsons failed in their duty.
The enemy invaded, laying waste to our lava fields, burning our sweaters and feasting upon our tiny horses.
Apparently, screwing over your friends is in Carl's blood-- his adopted blood.
All right, this is it, Carl's family home.
Twenty-two Ooh, phew, oh, that's a lot of letters.
So that's why 22 was Carl's lottery number.
Yeah, and that's why his sweatpants say "Hjorleifsstrati" across the butt.
The gates are locked.
Well, then we'll just have to wait for him to come out.
Oh, man, stakeouts are so boring.
I wish I had something to look at.
Well, I guess I'll just read the car rental contract again.
Damage waiver, check.
Return with full tank of gas, check.
All drivers must be over the age of 25 and check.
Love you, Mom.
See you, Dad.
It's Carl! Wake up, wake up! Huh? Huh? Ah, damn it, we lost him! There he is.
And he's got our money! It's no use.
We're perfectly matched.
We did it! Give us some answers, or you'll get a mouthful of rotten shark fermented in its own urine.
No, no, anything but the inedible, repulsive food of my native land.
Yeah, Carl, tell them the good reason you had for borrowing the money.
Look, I admit it.
I gave you the ultimate screw-over.
But I did it to clear my family's name.
Everyone blames the barbarian invasion on my ancestors.
But that saga had a missing page.
Oh, yeah a page was torn out.
My family's always believed that we fought bravely against the invaders, and the missing page will prove it.
I took the lottery money to buy that page and restore my family's honor.
Why didn't you just tell us? We're your friends.
I didn't tell you because we're not friends.
Friends share their feelings, their hopes, their dreams.
Friends know their friends are from Iceland! We are just guys who sit next to each other at a bar and talk about ugh guy stuff.
So all those years of hanging out meant nothing? Not to me.
Sorry, Lenny.
That's all right.
Now we know.
It's all out in the open.
I guess it kind of makes it easier now for me to to kill Carl! When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show.
Ow, my eye! My eye! My eye! My eye! Hey, hey, hey, Lenny, forget him, forget him! Look, we still got the money.
- What the? - Wha? What the hell is this? That's the missing page from the saga.
That's what I spent our lottery money on.
Then this belongs to us.
Please, give it back! Please! It'll restore my family's honor! Maybe we'd give it back to our friend, but we're not friends, remember? Sorry, Carl.
It's World War II all over again.
America kicks Iceland's ass.
No! Guys, do you think Carl was right? What if we're not real friends? Maybe we are just lonely guys who do guy stuff.
Hi, Homie! Did you get the money? The kids have been stocking up on pool noodles.
Put the noodles in the shed.
There isn't gonna be a swimming pool.
Hmm? Carl spent all our money on this stupid page from a stupid saga.
I say we make it into saga soup and have ourselves a soup sip.
That'll show Carl for de-friending us in real life! I know Carl did you wrong, but is destroying something he cares that much about really going to make you feel good? Well, we won't know that till after.
Just read the saga and see what it says.
But how can we learn to read ancient Icelandic? With these.
Yeah, my doctor says it's better for me not to sleep.
Thorn? Yes! Forvitinn.
I can't do this, I can't do this! You can't not do it! Okay, let's see what this thing says.
"When the barbarian invaders came, the Carlsons met them with their weapons ready" Wow, Carl's family really was brave.
"weapons which they immediately "threw down in surrender.
"The Carlsons then let the barbarians in the back gate "and joined in the sacking, the looting "and the volcano-ing of the village elders.
"The Carlsons then wrote down this saga so no one would ever forget their treachery and cowardice.
" Carl's family was even worse than people thought.
They were the original ultimate scumbags.
Carl betrayed his friends, blew the lottery money all for nothing.
Hey, guys I think I feel bad for Carl.
Attention, everyone in Iceland.
We have an important announcement.
Take a break from your dreary lives to hear Americans lecture you.
Ah! Ah! Eh! Is this everyone? No.
Yes.
I've learned something about the people of Iceland.
You have endured barbarian invasions, total financial collapse and a lesbian prime minister.
You've managed to survive on a craphole island that looks like the moon and smells like rotten eggs.
And to do that, you have to be stubborn.
But I ask you to put aside your stubbornness while I tell you about Carl Carlson.
Shame on Carl's family! The blood of 1,000 tiny horses is on their hands.
Doesn't matter what happened for Carl Carlson's honor has been redeemed by the deeds of Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson who helped me move, even though I moved the week before.
Yeah, and when we were painting my house, Carl Carlson brought that blue tape, you know, that makes you really look like you know what you're doing.
You peel it off, and you got that super straight line there.
And when he brings a six-pack to my house, he doesn't take the extras home with him.
Carl Carlson leaves them in the fridge.
Carl Carlson is our friend, even if he doesn't believe it.
If we can forgive Carl for stealing our lottery winnings, maybe youse can find it in youse's hearts to forgive his ancestors.
The many small kindnesses of Carl Carlson have redeemed his family forever.
Mom, Dad, our family can show our face in public for the first time in 1,000 years.
Ai.
Ai.
How can you say these men are not your true friends? I I can't! I can't! Ai.
Guys, thanks for teaching me the true meaning of male friendship.
The stuff that comes from in here that is guy stuff.
We don't get together to share our emotions.
We get together to escape them.
Yeah, I'd tell you guys I love you, but, uh, I don't want to say it, and you don't want to hear it.
To nothing! Okay, everyone, get ready to see your brand-new Oh, oh! What is it, what is it, what is it? keg-pools! Yay! Yay! Hey! Aah! Fine.
I'm going home.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 24  >  Dangers On A Train
The Simpsons s24e22 Episode Script
Dangers On A Train
Whoa! Hmm? Our first anniversary.
And we're more in love than ever.
In your face, people who said it wouldn't last a year! I stand by my wedding toast.
Let's just enjoy our happiness, Homie.
Accidental motherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to a woman.
And I think Bart's finally outgrown his misbehavior.
Oops, better clean that off.
You have a great day, ma'am.
Wish I could get a little of that attention.
D'oh! Hey, Simpsons.
Don't mean to be a pesto, but I'll be happy to watch your scampi shrimp.
Aw, thanks, Flanders.
Got to warn you, he doesn't talk much.
Daddy.
He's not your daddy.
Nice daddy.
Moustache daddy.
Good daddy no yell.
Fat daddy smell like beer.
I'll teach you to speak in complete sentences.
But first, m'lady, let me escort you to Heaven.
The fancy Swiss chocolate store on level three.
Oh Oh, Homer, you're the anchor store of my heart.
Just call me Borders Books, 'cause I'll always be here.
Haw haw! His first word.
Oh, Homie, what a wonderful anniversary.
Yep, we've got something money can't buy.
Love on a train.
And I promise each anniversary will be better and better.
Oh.
They have to get off and get back on.
Sometimes you have to say to hell with rules.
But somehow our anniversaries didn't get better than that first one on the train.
Wait, you named me after a train? Yeah, just like we did with Bart.
Anyway, this year, I'm gonna re-create our magical first anniversary, ending with a romantic ride on that Why are you taking away the train? I'm afraid no one rides it anymore So we're replacing it with something that makes money and sends people to the food court.
Step right up.
Medical marijuana.
You got nausea, my friend? Everyone's got nausea.
And what is your malady, my son? Uh, I had one, but I forgot it.
Memory loss! Could be a brain tumor.
Take this and go see Fantasia.
Kids, I've only had three great ideas-- marrying your mother, using a hot dog as a straw and this romantic train ride anniversary.
Sir, I need this train.
Eh, take it home.
It's yours.
Are you sure Mom is really gonna want a rusted-out kiddie train? She won't see it like this.
I'll make this train look as beautiful as it did when this mall was young.
Aw, Dad, I just got a little twinge in my heart.
Try this.
You stay away from my kids unless you're driving them to school! So, I'm not babysitting tomorrow night? Oh, we're still on for tomorrow night.
Dad, do we have to ride like this? Hey, what could be cooler than a choo-choo with lollipops on it? Hey, babies-- where you going in your baby train? Babytown? Shake it off, kids-- they're just jealous.
Hey, lardo, where you going in your lardo car? Lardville? There's no such place! Okay.
I've entered my billing address, expiration date and charged.
We're back from "Baby Beethovens.
" That's Mozart, dummy.
Well, thanks for watching Maggie.
I just ordered Homer's anniversary gift.
Must be tough.
Yeah, what size cuff links do you get an elephant? Well, in the first place, the elephant's cuff links would be the same size.
It's the cuffs that would be bigger.
As for Homer, I'm getting him a case of his favorite snack cakes, Dolly Madison.
Marge, this isn't Dolly Madison.
It's Sassy Madison.
Trust me, Homer doesn't care where the cupcakes come from.
Sassy Madison is a dating site for married people who are tired of the same old dessert.
Check out their webvertisement.
Kelly was at the end of her wits Her husband was truly the pits Her relationship spousal Had zero arousal Then she watched this commercial And found herself Herschel Thanks to Sassy Madison.
com.
Sassy Madison.
com.
It's not cheating if you don't know the person well.
I just put all my personal information on their Web site.
So now you're gonna get hit on by every loser in town.
And this town's got losers like Mexico has headless corpses.
So many unhappy men.
How sad.
You've got a lot of fish wriggling in that net.
Maybe I should get married so I can date these guys.
Selma, cheating is a sin.
As much a sin as not replying to an instant message.
So, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of sleazy gentlemen to let down gently.
Are you watching the commercial again? I'm a fan of animation.
Oh, Lord, may thy couplings stay forever locked, and may thy dead man switch never be used.
Amen.
All right, guys, let's get this train fixed up for Homer's anniversary.
But first, start your power tools.
One more to go, and I'm done.
"Dear Horny in Haverbrook: "Sorry.
I'm not interested "in cheating on my wonderful husband, "who is described in the attached PDF.
"Say hello to my trash folder.
Marge Simpson.
" Hi, Homie! A crazy thing happened when I was ordering your anniversary gift.
Don't blow the surprise.
Pretend you forgot.
Uh, anniversary? That coming up? Yes, and it's a big one.
Remember? Marge, I am focused on this like a laser.
"Laser.
" That's a funny word.
It's just "loser" with an "A.
" And speaking of losers, I lost my train of thought.
Oh, and speaking of trains, wait till you see The surprise is safe.
The expression on her face will be priceless.
He forgot our anniversary again? He remembers the exact number of pork chops in the freezer.
Currently-- zero.
One of those cyber smoochers wrote me back.
Thanks for your note.
You seem way too nice for this site.
Why are you here? Good question.
"I thought I was buying snack cakes.
" That's so cute.
Really, really cute.
You you are over 18, right? "I am, and you seem more interested in my day than my husband.
" I know what it's like not to be listened to.
Please ignore every sensible instinct you have and continue this conversation.
And by the way, this is my real voice.
Don't worry, Moe.
When Marge is asleep, I'll sneak back.
Oh, good, the strippers are here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! That is all coming off.
"Tell me more.
" Homie, I bet you're wondering why I stayed on the computer until 4:00 a.
m.
Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves.
Did you know a well-placed one star can destroy a mom-and-pop hardware in nothing flat? Listen, I want us to be honest with each other.
Uh-oh.
If you're honest, you'll have to tell her about the train.
Huh? What train? How stupid are you? Hey, thinking is your department, jerk.
That's what I pay you in beer for.
Just for that, I'm not gonna help you.
What? Where are you going, you? Oh! Um, Marge, I have to go.
What? Now? Why? He's writing me again.
Better put a stop to this.
Is that him getting the text? He's in the market.
We might have squeezed the same tomatoes.
Are you Marge? Ooh, I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even know you were here.
What a crazy coincidence that you buy food, too.
Gee, I thought you'd be some kind of creep.
But you're actually a perfectly normal-looking Whoa! "A" is for "apple," right? Okay.
I'll-I'll just be going.
Wait, wait, wait! Let me get the stain out.
But not here.
I know a place where no one in town will see us.
There you go.
Good as new.
Now, let me at least buy you a coffee, or dare I say a Danish? No Danishes! Sorry.
I go to pastry way too fast.
I want to be very clear.
I'm a happily married woman.
Going on ten years.
The aluminum anniversary.
Nothing turns leftovers into swans like aluminum.
What the heck am I saying? Homer's probably at that bar right now, getting hammered.
All worth it for Marge.
Marge, you are terrific.
I am so glad I reset my distance filter from 15 to 25 miles.
Mmm Your Homer is the luckiest man on earth.
Well, he keeps falling down a cliff and living, so I guess that's true.
The only time my wife and I talk is when I apologize.
"Life's an infernal muddle," as Mr.
Drake says on Upton Rectory.
Ooh, I love that show.
Isn't it great? Finally, a reason to watch TV on Sundays.
Such great characters, like Buxton, the scheming larder-keep.
Why can't Lady Cavendish see he's pilfering the aspic? Uh, does does Homer watch? He says shows set during World War I are too sad.
Particularly how everyone's always climbing stairs.
You are watching the season finale this week, right? Yeah.
Alone, I'm sure.
Well, we could, uh live blog it.
Save that sugar for your coffee, bub.
I've been working on the railroad Why are you singing that? Because it's in the public domain.
Hello! It's Moe from Moe's Tavern.
Oh, uh, I'd better take this.
You see, Moe's been depressed and needs to hear a friendly voice.
Why the hell are you calling me at home, you moron?! Lovejoy went to get a hamburger, and the whole thing fell apart! I'm getting cooked like a cabbage.
Then keep quiet like a cabbage! All right, all right, I'll be right there.
Is it me, or did this house just get classy? Mom, Lisa made me break a lamp.
Mom, Bart's twisting facts in an Orwellian fashion.
Can I have one hour of grown-up time where you two aren't tattling on each other or using obscure references? Orwell, obscure? The author of Animal Farm? Grampa says he was a Commie.
No tattling! Upton Rectory is made possible by a sizeable endowment from Hooters Restaurants, and a generous grant from a man named Generous Grant.
Are you watching it? No, I can't.
My wife's watching a reality show about a man who repossesses zoo animals.
Come on, Taser that flamingo! Can't believe I'm missing the finale.
Hmm Maybe I can help.
Bless it all, Polly, I love you! And we shall be wed by Boxing Day Eve, aka Christmas.
But Lord Upton has forbidden it, on the grounds that he once saw me exchange pleasantries with the Egyptian riding master.
Can you follow everything okay? I guess sometimes you just don't end up with the person you're supposed to.
Marge, can I use your free Amazon shipping? Not a good time! I know your password! Drake, Polly, perhaps I was too hasty.
Love should flower, even an ill-advised alliance between a coarse Irish maid and a man who once served me soup from the wrong side.
He hasn't been the same since the war, Lord Upton.
Hush, Polly.
Who you marry is none of your concern.
I have something to say.
The dowager grandmum! I'm afraid you cannot marry without a proper ring.
Take mine-- the Star of Bombay.
Once again, India is denuded of her treasure by the imperialist devils.
Why do we watch this show? Because I like the costumes! I've never felt so flushed after watching public television.
Maybe sometime we could watch it in the same room.
Chat room? Room room.
Show's over! That turned ultra-steamy in a jiff.
I can still hear you.
I can still hear you.
Happy anniversary, Mom! Happy anniversary, Mom! Our gift is us! Three kids with no money, but plenty of love! That's great.
I wonder what surprise your father has in store.
Boy, oh, boy! Oh, Marge, I threw my back out! Can you please refill this prescription right away? Where's it from? It's in Drugtown not the nice part.
That'll take hours! On our anniversary! And what better way to spend it than commemorating the glorious words you spoke ten years ago: "for worse.
" Oh! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Hmm.
It's working.
She's gone.
All right, everyone, magically appear.
Wow, Moe, great shrub costume.
Yeah.
I sell 'em on the Internet for like-minded people.
Now, let's lay some track.
You guys are the best.
I just want you to know when I'm holding Marge in my arms tonight, I'll be thinking of all of you.
When does it get better? When he's 800 pounds and has to be cut out of the house to go to a movie? I lost my cleaning stick in my belly fat.
But I found a kitten.
That is so sweet.
There I go again, settling.
Marge, run off with me.
Bring your kid.
I have three kids.
Whoa, you really went all in with this guy, didn't you? Get out of my head.
I guess this is good-bye, then.
Someday When I'm awfully low When the world is cold I said no! Fine.
Sorry.
Just thinking of you, Marge And the way you look tonight.
The Nelson Riddle Orchestra! Leave me alone! Fine.
Sorry, guys, you're dead again.
I'm gonna do what I've done at every key point of my life: suck it in and smile.
There goes a woman who's unhappy with her partner.
Yeah, I know how she feels.
Yeah.
What was that? What the? Happy anniversary! Oh, my God.
Our train.
Homie, you do care.
You care a lot.
What a wonderful anniversary.
Do you think we'll last 25 years? Nothing should.
Trains they can fix every marriage.
What the? Ugh.
Happy moment derailed by the Bipolar Express.
None of you heard that.
Happy anniversary! Where is she? Where the hell is Marge Simpson? Ramona, please! When you asked me who she was and where she lived, I never dreamed you'd go confront her! Mmm, I'm Marge Simpson.
So you're the kind of man-eater Hall and Oates warned us all about.
Hall and Oates? What's going on here? Your wife and my husband have been watching British TV together! Costume drama or naughty comedy? Drama! Drama! You just dodged a bullet, Mr.
Sugarpants.
Ben, Ramona, I want to tell you something I've learned over ten years of marriage.
The secret is: no secrets, except good secrets like this train.
My only secrets are: My marathon time isn't 4:26; it's never, I often go online to see how Lindsay Wagner's looking now-- fabulous-- and I once pushed a kid off a swing and he broke his wrist or something.
But it's no secret how much I love my Margie.
Mmm Mmm Look at them, coochie-cooing like that time our connecting flight was delayed and we got drunk and friendly in the Admiral's Club.
That was you? I mean, it-it was wonderful.
And you're fighting for me.
Maybe that means you still care.
Of course I do.
Now, let's go home and spend a romantic night looking through your computer's browsing history.
That exists? Oh, boy.
Honey, just what was going on with you and that guy? Well I was trying to buy you snack cakes Oh, baby, that's all I needed to hear.
How did we get here? Marge was feeling lonely and bored Every night she was ignored But when Marge went boo-hoo I was building a choo-choo And love conquered all With a train from the mall So that very same night Ben went back on the site And he lined up a date with SelmaÃ³BÃ³88 She said that she's smokin' And I wasn't jokin' Find love on the net You deserve what you get Three awesome kids and a life of regret And now it's time for Grampa's song! Down by the old Not the new, but the old Mill stream Not the river, but the stream.
Where I first Not the second or the Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The Falcon And The D'ohman
The Simpsons s23e01 Episode Script
The Falcon And The D'ohman
Good evening.
Tonight we reveal to you the fate of Nedna.
I have devoted my summer to a more meaningful task salvaging Mr.
Popper's Penguins online.
Anywaythe answer to Ned and Edna is carefully hidden in tonight's episode, like a bread crumb lodged inside my stomach crease.
Enjoy.
("Walking on the Moon" by The Police playing) Whoa! (gasps) (grumbles) (gasps) What the? Aha! (tires screech) Quiet steps are what I take Sneaking in at noon Just in time for my lunch break Got my fork and spoon Time the cameras just right Duck in the bathroom BARNEY: Hi, Homer! I'm still drunk from last night Got driven home I don't know by whom Some may say (horn honks) I don't deserve any pay But hey I came up with '60s Day Last May.
(laughs) While I'm here, I might as well pre-punch out.
Hmm, we've had a lot of bills lately.
Better put in some overtime.
(chuckles) (humming) Larry, my man! Hey, you're not Larry.
How come you're not Larry? I wouldn't know, sir.
Uh, listen, if you could indulge me, Larry and I fist-bump every morning.
Like that.
The warmth of human contact with a manly whiff of violence.
Eh? Not interested.
Wha?! Sheesh! Hey, what's with that new security guard? He's acting all aloof.
Uh, by the way, that's my word of the day: "he's.
" Maybe I was a little hard on him, expecting him to be Larry right away.
By the way, where is Larry? Crazy house.
Violent ward.
Good ol' Larry.
(humming) Say Wayne, I couldn't help but notice that your breath doesn't smell like alcohol.
You want to go grab a beer after work? I prefer not to have social interaction with coworkers.
It, um, hasn't worked out for me in the past.
Well, maybe he just doesn't like fist-bumping.
Hey, Wayne.
As God as my witness, this fist will be bumped! Put that fool thing down.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition.
Marge, your ratio of peanut butter to cracker was spot on.
And I loved the addition of the thin slice of apple.
This was a great plate of food.
Thank you.
This is my third favorite reality cooking show.
For your prize, you have won a brand-new kitchen, which I will now become.
(makes transforming noises) Ow! Ow! Ow! I miss my soul patch.
(groans): Oh.
Kids, enjoy your extreme snack.
Wait, this tastes different.
I put a slice of apple in it.
Gross.
You know I hate surprises.
You tricked us.
I like routine.
I like routine.
(sighs) (sighs) Did you have a hard day, too? Ah, a guy at work seems not to like me.
I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world, like Major League umpires not using instant replay.
It's big to you.
Would you like a get well pork chop? I love you so much.
Potatoes and gravy on the side, please.
(whistle blows) Charlie, want to grab a beer? No, I was tipsy last night when a telephone survey called, so I told them to call back tonight for more accurate answers.
Oh.
Okay.
(thunder rumbling softly) (gasps) Wayne! Want a ride? I can walk.
(hail pattering) (groans) All right, Homer, you win.
You know, I just got a little chill when you said my name.
(quietly): Every town I go to, I run into some guy just like this.
Look, I'm not weird or anything, I just like to feel like I'm friends with everybody.
(sighs) Homer, you're a nice guy.
I'll have one beer with you.
After that, we will have a courteous professional relationship, and that's it.
No secret Santa, we're not trading lunches, Oh! and I don't want you calling me at home and saying "Turn on channel six.
" But what if the weather girl I don't care! Wow, I can't believe Homer bagged the tiger.
Excuse me, I need to use the Men's room! (gasps) Oh, my God.
We're completing each other's Completing each other's sen ten ces Totally surprising entrance! (cocks gun) Hand over your cash and jewelry.
Pronto.
(groans) Hmm.
Hmm.
Okay, now, don't want no trouble.
Let me just get my cash out of my cash drawer here.
Just, uh, lining up all the presidents, nice and neat.
Ain't trying to be no hero.
(chuckles) Uh (chuckles) Uh, here you go.
Thanks for the upgrade.
Ha-ha! (grunts) Wayne? Stand back, Homer! I know what I'm doing.
Well, we all know what we're doing.
The question is, is it an appropriate reaction to the situation? (sighs) Drunks are so boring.
(gasps, gunshot) (screams) My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings! (grunts) (yells) (grunts) Wayne, maybe it's the me being still alive talking, but I think you're awesome.
I'm just a guy who saw what needed to be done and did it.
Oh, speaking of which, let's get these eggs back in a jar.
(humming) (cocks gun) Wow, that's the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat.
It's great to have a home-cooked meal.
Well, if anyone saves my Homie's life, they get a free meal.
Which actually comes up about once a week.
So, Wayne, how'd you learn all those cool self-defense moves? I had training.
Special training.
The kind they're not allowed to give anymore.
(grunts) (screams) (choking) (grunting) (quacking laugh) (grunting) (yelling) (roaring) (straining) Sorry.
I have to go.
Oh, come on, stay for dessert! (straining) (sighs) (door opens, closes) Hey, Simpson, you want to hear about the big change in my life? Sure, why not.
I started drinking orange juice with pulp.
I asked the Reverend, and he said it was okay.
Then he hung right up on me.
That man is cranky at And here he is, this week's Noble Nobody.
What the (bleep) A quiet, unassuming security guard who foiled a robbery at a local tavern, as seen in this Taiwanese animated dramatization.
(female narrator speaking Taiwanese) (laughing) (tires screeching) (video game sound effects) Please, sir, just let me do my job.
Pish tush.
Wayne, as a reward for your valiant fisticuffery, I hereby award you the Springfield Nuclear Plant Silver Safety Hat.
(fanfare plays) (fanfare plays, horses neigh) (chuckles maniacally) Thanks to you, Wayne, we did not lose the visible half of the moon.
Just doing my job, sir.
All too well.
I'm afraid that protocol demands that I totally erase your memory.
(grunting) (crackling) (grunting) Die, you fascist bastard! Mother, is that you? Wayne, stop! That's Mr.
Burns! (gasping) Ooh.
I expect insolence, but rank insolence? Off with his job! (sighs) Damn it.
Why don't you come stay with us till you can get back on your feet? Really? Are you sure? Of course.
I mean, how long could it be? I don't know.
I've got no job, no references, can't afford my apartment.
It's best to concentrate on what you do have.
I have reoccurring flashbacks to a nightmarish past.
That's funny, because I have reoccurring flash-forwards to a nightmarish future.
(chanting): Unfair! Unfair! That robot took our jobs! He said it.
Or, uh, maybe it was him.
Man, this robot really gets me.
My nightmares are real.
Your voice is so gravelly, just like Lauren Bacall's.
If you don't listen to me, Senator, there's not going to be a Fourth of July! WAYNE (panting): Don't you get it? - He used the governor's eyeball for the retinal scan! That's ten members of the electoral college dead in one day! If you don't give me those launch codes, you'll never be able to make the "okay" sign again.
I know the map is inside your eyelids, and I will turn them inside out if I have to! If you move that little top hat to St.
James Place, we'll all be blown to kingdom come! Bring me every fish in that aquarium! One of them is lying! (relieved sigh) I'm sorry I have so many nightmares.
I've done unspeakable things, from Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.
Well, what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito-Lay distribution center? I needed somewhere to lie low.
Your town appears on no maps or charts.
Yeah, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.
And when there was a mapmaker's convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Not the one you're thinking of-- there's another one.
So, Lisa, if you press on Bart's elbow, here, Ow! he'll tell you anything you want to know.
I admit it! I let Milhouse lie down in your bed! Kids, can I talk to Wayne alone a minute? Remember everything they say, and tell us later in rattle code.
(rattling) What do you mean, no? (grunts) I don't know if you should teach our children advanced interrogation techniques.
I'm sorry, Marge.
Sometimes I forget where I am.
Apology accepted.
Now, could you teach me a couple little driving tricks? (laughs) We'll see who gets their pick of pizza pockets! Give us your lunch money! (grunting in pain) (martial arts yell) (bones crack, grunts) What gives, man? Where'd you learn that stuff? If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Can I tell you? No! I won't listen! We can't keep serving the same thing every day.
These kids have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears.
(Jimbo yells) Point taken.
(playing "Dance of the Knights" by Prokofiev) Oh, my God.
That song.
(loud whooshing) (playing "Dance of the Knights") (people screaming) (music continues) I can't live in the real world anymore.
This is the real world? Hallelujah! I'm still alive! Ha-ha! And I'll appreciate every moment! Except the ones that aren't as good as they used to be.
Which is all of them.
Oh, someone kill me.
("Dance of the Knights" playing) Ah, junk, junk.
BeyoncÃ© confirms she will play at my daughter's sweet 16 party.
Humorous YouTube sent by my brother.
Mildly funny, at best.
Eh, sometimes they are good for giggle.
"Auto-tune disaster victim.
" Hiding in the basement Hiding in the basement And I'm, like, where's the cat? Where's, where's the cat? Hmm "Crazy man attacks boss.
" (gasps) It's him.
American agent who caused the death of everyone I loved! You want to give it zero stars? No! We will go to Springfield, America, and kill this man.
But first Here, kitty, kitty, kitty Here, kitty, kitty, kitty Oh, you're an angel now.
Washing out the dog poo Sure beats picking it up Flanders' driveway Is my goal (whirring) I am looking for a man named Wayne.
Oh.
He's gone.
I don't know where he went.
Are you friend of his? He has no friends.
Except me! (tires squeal) I see you are tight like borscht and beets.
Tell me, if we kidnapped a friend of Wayne's, would he attempt to rescue that friend? Well, I suppose if the friend was being horribly tortured H-Hey, wha? Wha? Wha? (muffled shouts) No! Not the middle seat! This just in: a local man has been kidnapped by Ukrainian gangsters.
We've received the following video.
Death to America! Stick to script.
Fine.
I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area.
Turn the card.
Hold up today's newspaper.
What will you guys use when there aren't newspapers anymore? Perhaps we will be living in a world where there'll be no need to kidnap.
Oh, well, way to make me feel obsolete.
(chuckles): Oh, look-- here's a coupon for scissors that you have to cut out! Thanks, geniuses! RUSSIAN MAN: Shut up.
HOMER: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing! (punches landing) HOMER (crying): Ow! Ow! Ow! This is no way to treat the talent.
RUSSIAN MAN: Shut up! Oh, God.
I know that voice.
(loud whooshing) (playing "Dance of the Knights") Viktor? Darling, I told you to stay in your room.
I told you the bedspread smells funny.
(gunshot) (distorted): Nyet! Marge I'll get your husband back.
How are you going to find him? Homer is implanted with several highly powerful tracking chips.
How did that happen? I left that out in a bowl and he ate them.
(wheel squeaking rhythmically in distance) I'd take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn't have a job to do.
Nyet! (yells) (grunts) (organ playing gentle music) Get out of here! Ow! Aah! I won a silver medal in Nagano-- ow!-- and now this! (muffled whimpering) (panicked whimpering) (shivering): Oh cold so cold So, Wayne, once again you crash my party? So cold! Warm me up! (grunts) Stop it! Just let me put my hands under your armpits.
(giggling) (gasps) So much violence on the surface world.
I'm going back.
(grunts) (gurgling): Cold so cold Now you can see why I can't stay in one place.
Not here, not anywhere.
How about living on a train that's always moving? You ever eat on a train, Marge? What they call a steak is barely a hamburger.
Now, Homer, there's one more thing before I go.
Aw.
That's what I call closure.
Good-bye.
(rattling) Yes, Maggie, we will have a use for you soon.
(whispers): Stay close to your busy box.
(rattling) Wait! I know a place you can go! A place where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.
("Dance of the Knights" plays) Sir, this is the wrong form.
Can you hold my space while I go get the right one? Nobody held my space when I was in a North Korean prison being forced to write a musical about Kim Jung Il with a car battery hooked up to my nipples! Well (jaunty orchestral music playing) (Korean accent): Pardon me, sir, can you tell me where palace is? What business do you have at the palace? Why, someday I'm going to be dear leader.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! You? You are too benevolent to be dear leader! Let's see what they think.
(choir harmonizing): "K" is Korea, just the north part "I" is for the Internet he bans "M" is for the millions that are missing "J" is for a human-tasting jam "O" is for oh, boy, we love our leader "N" is for the best Korea, North "G" is for gee whiz, we love our leader, mmm We just wanted to give you all a big thank you from Team Nedna.
It's nice to know people still believe in love.
Now, wait just a minute-- how come I wasn't an option in this contest? Typical Seymour! Waits till the polls have closed before throwing his hat in the ring.
I agree with America: you'll never give me a grandchild.
Thank you.
Oh Shh! WAYNE: Shush me again, and I'll take your head clean off.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts
The Simpsons s23e02 Episode Script
Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts
The Simpsons? Wha! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) Beer! (assorted cartoon sound effects) God, I love to watch that woman get beer.
(fart) (laughing) You little! (blubbering) D'oh! (contented blubbering) They always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay for things we don't need for kids we didn't want.
Wow-- the gym ropes are seaweed, the basketball nets are fishing nets Yarr! Just plastic.
Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean.
Buy a Springfield Elementary T-shirt? I don't want people to know my kids go to this lousy school.
We also have T-shirts from other schools.
MARGE: Ooh! We can wear those to the nice mall.
(grunting) And now it's time for lights, camera, auction! (chuckles) No cameras.
Ooh, first item up for bid is always a favorite, lunch with Principal Skinner.
I'll just leave the food on your doorstep and ring the bell.
Moving on.
Next up for auction is this wonderful bench hand-crafted by our second-grade class.
Don't buy it.
I bought one last year and it was crap construction.
Shh.
Do I hear $50? Paddles down.
It's the only way to change the system.
(phone ringing) Hello? Calling from England? Certainly I can put you on speakerphone.
(Bart in British lady's voice): I am Edith Knickertwist, an eccentric widow.
For this masterpiece, I bid $1,000.
(all gasping) Sold.
To the mysterious and unverified Mrs.
Knickertwist.
Next item: our school band will play at a function of your choice.
I bid $4,000.
Well, it looks like our model solar-system will finally get an Earth.
And that concludes tonight's auction, which has raised a school record $116,000.
(cheering) And our windfall is all thanks to our dear new friend on the phone.
'Allo, luvs! Mm.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
I'm Mrs.
Knickertwist.
And I've had a proper hardy-har at your expense.
(laughs) Why do I believe everything I hear in a British accent? He has thrust upon us the motley of the tomfool.
I wore this all night for nothing? (groans) (angry muttering) Mr.
Simpson, I know you're not one of our wealthier parents, but surely you'll honor your son's enormous debt.
Why, of course.
Even if I don't have a legal obligation to pay, it's clearly the right thing to do.
Here's $1,000, $2,000, $3,000 Oh, I need more cash.
Better go to my invisible ATM.
(humming tune) What? Two dollar charge for non-network bank? Oh! (dejected): Oh.
CHALMERS (bellowing): Skin-ner! Yes, sir? I was very pleased with your work last night.
Really? Nope.
Fooled again.
I'd say you're dumb as a post, but at least you can put a sign on a post that says "fresh strawberries-- one mile.
" You are a nitwit in an ill-fitting suit.
I'll have you know I'm lop-shouldered.
I'm sorry, what did you say? I said, I'm lop-shouldered.
And I have been since I was hung by my armpits in a North Vietnamese prison.
I I didn't know that.
Oh, the list of things you don't know could fill a week's worth of morning announcements, with enough left over for a send-home flyer.
There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.
If you think it's so easy to handle Bart Simpson, why don't you do it yourself? (cheering) You tell him, Seymour.
As some guy said to some dude with a beard, "Death to tyrants.
" You mean Booth and Lincoln? I'm not the history teacher.
Anymore.
Fine.
I will personally take over Bart Simpson's education-- and for once, that boy's going to learn something.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm expecting an important call and cell phone coverage in here is, uh, spotty.
Oh, nicely done, Seymour.
I guess there's some stones in your leaf bag after all.
While I'm on a roll, I'm gonna call that carpet cleaning service and tell them our hallway doesn't count as a room.
Hello, is AndrÃ© there? Oh, yes, I'll hold.
I know I can superintend-- superintend like the wind-- but teach? It's been years.
And we both know how that went, don't we, Gary? So, you are the so-called Breakfast Club.
Wrong room.
We're the Fight Club.
Don't you Forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you Thank God they never went on to do anything since.
So, Simpson, you'll be studying with me now.
Same garbage, different Dumpster.
We'll start with American history.
Now, I'm sure you know who these gentlemen are.
BART: Dollar bill guy, five dollar bill guy, sex guy, Will Ferrell, black guy.
(sighs) Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy? I'd act like I'm interested, but inside I'd be bored.
That's as good a place to start as any.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT: great fundamental issue now before our people can be stated briefly.
It is, are the American people fit to govern themselves, to rule themselves, to control themselves.
I believe they are.
My opponents do not.
Hey, this Roosevelt guy was sort of interesting.
Did you know he was a colonel in the army? You don't say.
And one time, during a speech, he was shot by a saloon-keeper, but Teddy finished his speech before heading to the hospital.
Aha! I'm mad at you for some reason.
TOWNSFOLK (chanting): Teddy, Teddy, Teddy I've never said this before, but I'd like to learn more.
Man, Teddy Roosevelt killed more Spaniards in one day than most people do in their whole lives.
You know, I hate to say this, Bart, but the library is about to close.
Really? I wanted to learn more about trust busting.
Take that, Standard Oil.
Tomorrow, son.
Tomorrow.
Well, I've learned a lot today.
Now, to go home and let TV slowly rot it all away.
Eh-eh-eh.
Not so fast.
Teddy Roosevelt believed you could learn from books.
But he also believed you can learn just as much from the out-of-doors.
I thought teachers only went outdoors to smoke and cry.
Yes.
Son, have you ever seen a horse your father wasn't betting on? No, sir.
Come with me.
(Chalmers laughing heartily) (whinnying) So, Bart, what have you learned so far? Well, when horses poop, they don't stop.
They just keep walking.
Yes, yes.
Well, here's another fun fact for you.
All around you is a national park created by Teddy Roosevelt.
Mm! Wow! And here I thought God created all this.
Thanks for setting me straight.
Well, wait, I didn't mean that.
You've filled my head with horse poop and atheism.
And all these years, I thought I was unteachable.
Let's stop talking now.
"A man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards.
" Just quoting our 26th president, Lise.
You could use a little T.
R.
in your life.
Please.
I went through my T.
R.
phase in first grade.
Now I realize that the greatest Roosevelt is Franklin.
Balderdash! Teddy Roosevelt protected America's wildlife.
Yeah, so he could shoot it himself.
Franklin Roosevelt led this country through the Depression and World War II.
Face on a dime! Face on a mountain! I hated the "Roosie-velts" and all them family dynasties.
The Kennedys, the Bushes, Jon Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daley and his smart-ass son, the Daily Show.
That's a lot of anger, Grampa.
Well, I like Stephen Colbert, but that's because I don't get the joke.
And on July 1st, 1898, Colonel Theodore Roosevelt and his band of Rough Riders charged up San Juan Hill and liberated Cuba.
Cuba si! Castro no! I love Teddy Roosevelt because he had asthma as a boy.
I love him because he said, "Bully.
" The dude really knew how to rock some jodhpurs.
Hey, maybe Chalmers would let you guys sit in on our lessons.
After me, men.
(chanting): Bully-bully-bully-bully-bully! I'd be glad to have you boys join our experiment in manly education.
The fact is, today's modern schools have completely failed you.
School failed me? Does school have to go to summer Jimbo? (groans, sighs) Look at him, boys.
He is the canary in the coal mine of a dying empire.
You're in my coal mine now, bitches! Yeah.
Boys are falling behind in every subject, because our classrooms are entirely geared towards girls! It's all about feelings, and celebrating differences.
But I loved reading It's Cool to Cry! Well, it's not cool to cry! (sobs) Boys need to explore! Build things! Wreck those things! And then build them again! Our first lesson begins this Saturday, with an overnight trip to Springfield Forest.
Legend has it that Teddy Roosevelt visited the forest and lost a pair of his trademark spectacles.
This weekend, we set forth in search of those spectacles! (all cheer) This is all well and good, but I must know: what are spectacles? Glasses.
DOLPH: One time, I found an old washing machine over there that still had clothes in it.
ALL: Wow.
This place is as beautiful as the side of a Coors beer can.
The kind my Dad used to leave in the bathtub.
There are no bad fathers in the wilderness, boy.
(growls) (grunts) (owl hoots) Hmm? You know, Bart, morning's when I miss my Rosemary the most.
She sure looked good in a pair of jammies.
(chuckles) NELSON: Dinguses! Dinguses! Huh? (groans) I found 'em! Teddy Roosevelt's spectacles! Ah, nicely done, Muntz! Could this be the moment my life starts to turn around? The moment I (gasps) Gravity blows! Gary, you took these boys on an unauthorizefield trip, and look what happened! He got some bumps and bruises and a thistle in his britches.
What is the big deal? The big deal is I'm gonna sue you! Got me one of them "abogados" from the bus ads.
He said he'll only take "veinte por ciento," whatever that is.
(Spanish accent): You have seen my picture on the side of a bus.
And I am not smiling because I lost the case.
NELSON: Ha-ha! I'm gonna take you for every peso you got.
How did she know we get paid in pesos? They took my job away, boys.
Where to, boss? Just drive.
(tires squeal) (grunts) (grunts) Maybe it is cool to cry.
(sobs softly) Who can name the three types of rocks? Bart Simpson? Chalmers would actually take us out to see the rocks.
You can see the rocks on page 32 of your science book.
My book is missing page 32.
Put your head on the desk and shut your eyes.
My desktop is sticky with soda from the kid that had it before me.
Do as I say! (groans) (kids clamoring) (grunting) (grunts) Stupid fish! Don't you want to be my din-ner?! Hey, Gary.
(sighs) Simpson, you are looking at a man who was not good enough for the worst public school in America.
Well, what would Teddy Roosevelt do? Son, I'm no Teddy Roosevelt.
I'm not even Kermit Roosevelt.
(gasps) I call this meeting of the Brotherhood of the Spectacles to order.
Our mission: to get Chalmers back his job.
ALL: Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Bart, I want to ask you about something I read in a magazine.
Are you boys cyberbullying each other? How could we be? We're all in the same place and we don't have computers.
Marge, I parented! That's great, Homie! Come have some ice cream on a brownie! Later, losers.
I'm thinking of something big.
So big it involves taking over the entire school and not giving it up till Chalmers gets his job back! Bart, your mother thinks there's something suspicious about all you boys having a meeting in this tree house.
Well, Dad, since you are taking an interest in us, maybe I should tell you Oh! Marge, my ice cream's melting and I haven't finished my brownie! Come in and get some more! You guys need to get a woman.
So, I'm considering taking drugs.
Would the school advise for or against that? Oh, strongly against! Would you like to read this pamphlet? Hmm Uh, well, would you read it with me? (giggles) Oh! You see, this boy took drugs and his scores suffered.
(chuckles) Yeah (snoring) There's a car with its lights on in the teachers' lot.
(gasps) Late-'90s model, coffee stains on front seat, stacks of rÃ©sumÃ©s in back seat.
Bart, what are you doing? Taking over the school with all the kids inside.
What?! I'm telling Mom.
Great.
You can call her from the closet phone.
Hello, Mom? You won't believe what Bart's doing.
There really is a phone in there? (scoffs) So immature.
Yo, teachwads! The Brotherhood of the Spectacles has taken over the school! Oh, no, please.
Don't make us start our weekend early.
Our paychecks are in there.
(screams) Why didn't I sign up for direct deposit?! Bart, open this door now, or I will jiggle the handle indefinitely! Suit yourself.
We all rubbed it with boogers.
Damn! Willie, break it down.
NELSON: Not so fast! Back it up or the photocopier eats it! (gasps) Oh, my God! We've got a 30-year mortgage on that photocopier! Willie, stay your tractor! Ye can't just turn her on and off like that! (engine stops) Oh, I guess you can.
Okay, we gotta stay focused: Jimbo, gather all the students in the gym.
Milhouse, take a nap.
You know how cranky you get.
I do not! (siren whoops) (tires screech) MAN (over P.
A.
): Watch Hannity tonight at 8:00.
Dog Day After School?! This is Kent Brockman outside Springfield Elementary with the parents of lockdown leader Bart Simpson.
He's not a bad boy.
He had a teacher who finally got through to him, and they fired him.
Are you covering me up?! Yes, I'm afraid we are.
The least I can get out of this whole nightmare is some face time on the local news.
It's kind of my way of sending a Christmas card.
Happy Holidays, everyone! Family's fine! Dude, you better see this.
Attention, Brotherhood of the Spectacles: you are ordered to immediately evacuate the school, and then return to school where you belong.
I need to know that Chalmers will be taken care of! We don't negotiate with terrorists! Or the people that supply our uniforms and weapons.
We just pay whatever they say.
Let me talk to the boy! (grunts) It's time for you to stand down, son.
When I met you, you were nothing more than a thick file of infractions.
Now I see a young man I'm proud to call my disciplinary problem.
Thanks.
But these Rough Riders aren't dismounting until you get your job back.
What do you think, Chief? Can we take the building without hurting anybody? Well, if a group of Muppets can take Manhattan (gun fires) Aah! Aah! Job restored! Increase in title? Fine, fine.
You're super-duper-intendent.
That's all I ever wanted.
No hard feelings? Nothing but hard feelings, Seymour.
(kids cheering) It's beautiful, man! It's beautiful! Oh, my God.
Milhouse, did you take your nap? Does it look like I took my nap? (laughs crazily) BART: Ay, caramba! Sir, of all the books and movies about Teddy Roosevelt, which would you say is the most informative? No question: Night at the Museum.
One or two? Take your pick, you can't go wrong.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Treehouse of Horror XXII
The Simpsons s23e03 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXII
(owl hooting) (laughs) Massive haul this year.
To candy! (burps) Fee-fi-fo-fum, give me all your candy and gum! Who are you and why do you want our candy? Your mother is the switch witch-- a sort of tooth fairy dealie.
I take your sugary sweets and I give you healthy items.
Plain brown toothbrushes, unflavored dental floss and fun-sized mouthwashes-- TSA approved.
This is exactly why kids need a union.
(Bart and Lisa grumbling) (humming) Now remember, Homie, that candy goes to Our fighting men and women overseas.
It's our way of letting them know we're having fun back here.
No sneaking off and eating that candy yourself.
Marge, you know I'd never do that.
I'm too scared of the evil switch witch.
The switch witch is me.
You know, on some level, I've always known.
(car door closes, tires screech) ("Flight" from Psycho soundtrack playing) (tires screech) (tires screech) I've got candy, skip to my Lou My insulin will spike, that's what it's gonna do I'm gonna buy me some diabetic shoes Skip to my Lou my (screams) (grunting) What the?! (grunting) D'oh! Hello, 911? I need a helicopter rescue and some cold milk.
DISPATCHER: Copy that, sir.
The only sane thing to do is chew off my arm.
Ow! Ow! I'm not gonna swallow, 'cause I want to save room for candy.
(chewing noisily) Oops.
(chewing noisily) D'oh! (chewing noisily) Mm! I'm really getting the hang of this.
(chewing noisily) (sighs) All worth it for candy.
(gasps) No! (scream echoes in distance) (Bart and Lisa laugh) ("Flight" from Psycho soundtrack playing) ( music ) Dad? Dad? (gasps) He opened his eyes! Mom! HOMER: Okay, I'm on the floor.
I can't move.
So far, a normal Sunday morning.
Homie, you're paralyzed.
But we love you and will never give up hope.
Can his funeral be on a school day? (groans) HOMER: This is so horrible.
I can't speak! (sobs) How did this happen? Last thing I remember, I was decorating the house for Halloween.
Ah, Halloween.
The one time of year when the squalor of our home works to our advantage.
(chuckles) (humming) Where's that spider? Ah.
(laughs) Squeeze, squeeze! (laughs) Squeeze, squeeze! A real spider would get so mad if I did this.
I wonder if this thing has batteries.
(screams) It's alive?! (hisses) Ow! (grunting) Hmm.
Well, at least I still look good.
Okay, handsome, that's enough primping.
Just because you've had a little setback doesn't mean you can't look your best.
Oh, Marge.
This is the purest love there is: patient, supportive Ooh, cleavage.
(drooling sigh) Dad, I'm going to entertain you with the help of The Brothers Karamazov.
"Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov was the third son "of Fyodor Pavlovitch Karamazov, "a landowner well known in our district in his own day, and still remembered among us" Oh, my God.
She's still on the first sentence! Must make her stop.
How to express my (farts) Dad! Ew.
Anyway, continuing.
"For the present, I will only say that this 'landowner'-- for so we" (farts) Ew! Dad! (gasps) Wait a minute.
Can you pass gas at will? Fart once for no, twice for yes.
(farts twice) Oh, my God! Do you realize what this means? (confused fart) Well, it means that you can communicate.
(farts) Exactly.
(chuckles) I'll recite the alphabet, and you tell me when to stop.
A, B, C, D (farts) Okay, first letter: D.
Next letter.
A, B, C, D, E (farts) "D, E.
" Amazing! Oh, but before we continue.
(breathes deeply) Okay.
A (farts) "D, E, A.
" LISA: "Dearest Marge, though my body "cannot move, my heart still beats "and my brain still brains.
(farts) "I miss holding you in my arms "more than my butt can say.
(farts) "Perhaps someday there will be a cure.
"Although if it requires (farts) "months of difficult physical therapy, I'll pass.
"You are the shining light "that gets me through my darkest hours.
"For further communication, I will require more beans.
I love you.
" Oh, Homie.
(quiet fart) Shh-shh-shh.
Don't say a word.
HOMER: I guess my life isn't so bad.
With the help of my loving family, I even published my first book.
And I've finally reached a state of serenity and (screams) Another spider! (frightened whimpering) What's this bite gonna do? (gasps) My wrists are tingling.
I feel new powers surging within me! (alarm ringing) (all grunt) He's got the proportionate strength of a paralyzed spider! Forget paying for my kid's operation-- I'm out of here! (farts) They say no two ass-webs are the same.
Beautiful in its way.
Want to go home and celebrate? (farts) Whoo! I wish I could move like him.
FLANDERS: Springfield, my hometown.
Pretty little place.
Although, even the Garden of Eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then.
(laughter) My money's on the kid.
(machine churning) (tires screech) Hey, whiskers.
Want to party? Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees.
Hmm? Have I lost my back-alley beauty? Well, those who can't do, teach.
FLANDERS: No more distractions.
I have work to do.
(Dexter theme music playing) (truck beeping) (groans) All these years, I thought murder was a sin.
Then I got new instructions from the good Lord Himself in his favorite language-- English.
VOICE OF GOD: Slay Montgomery Burns and pee in his ashes! Are you sure, Lord? If you're having trouble with the second part, drink a lot of water.
Now I've got to go.
A hip-hop star is thanking me at the VMAs.
(gasps) FLANDERS: And so white-bread Ned became the avenging sword of the Lord.
Peter, Andrew, James the Greater, James the Lesser, John, Philip, Thaddeus.
Heavenly Father, I VOICE OF GOD: Quiet, you! Your next divine whack job is a twofer.
I command you to kill Patty and Selma Bouvier.
Patty and Selma? Sure they smoke, and they don't shave much of anything, but do they deserve to die? Do not question me, the star of the Bible.
Now, on a non-murder- related note, I want you to find out what's making that funny noise in Homer Simpson's car.
It's, uh, it's, you know, it's like a chigga-chigga-chigga-chigga.
But you only hear it when you're driving over 30.
And you never hear it when you take it to the shop.
Then it sounds perfect.
Yes, Lord! Homer, have you noticed how many of your enemies have died lately? Mr.
Burns, Sideshow Bob You forgot Patty and Selma.
Oh, wait.
That hasn't happened yet.
Patty and Selma? Who's next, Ned Flanders? Now, how would that work? Huh? (tires screech) (descending whistle) (laughs) Okay, stupid Flanders, first I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor who gave Homer Simpson a cone that had a little air in it.
FLANDERS (sighs): Really? Come on! God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament.
Hey, Dad.
Hey Bart Uh, I mean, Jesus.
Hey son, you want Flanders to kill anybody? He's totally in my power.
Well, there's a tall boy in front of me in class so I can't see the board.
And I sayeth unto you, slay every tall boy in town! Yeah! Yeah! Homer Simpson! (shrieks) You made a killer out of me! Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it? I'm going to kill you! (shrieks) - Because of you, I'm going to Hell! - Language.
Hell! Damn! Backside! Nothing matters anymore! I'm goin' down and my hand-basket seats two! (scoffs) Wake up, Flanders! There is no Hell, and there is no God.
If there were, would He let me do this? (gasping and wailing) GOD: Why you little (choking) (gasps) What happened?! Uh Flanders killed Homer.
But, but But you're God.
Couldn't you make everything the way it was? Well, I could.
But the big man downstairs wouldn't like it.
(murmurs) Get me a coffee! Yes, sir.
Could this get any worse? Honey, come back to bed.
Oh, for cryin' out loud! (indistinct voices) People, you are on the most inhospitable planet in the galaxy.
Extreme temperatures vicious indigenous life forms Are there any questions? Yes? Are we in Kansas anymore? No.
Well, are we in Nebraska? No! We are not in any state! Oh, oh, is it Michigan? Nobody talk anymore! You will now direct your attention to our C.
E.
O.
, Mr.
Krusty the clown.
We are here on this fakakta planet for one reason: Hilarium.
Spray this in an audience and they'll laugh at anything.
And I need some now.
Gotta play a Nazi party rally.
Oh, yeah, they're back.
Our spies will go planet-side, locate said Hilarium and contact us so that we may begin extraction.
This is a delicate mission that requires utter loyalty.
I can think of no better candidate than the resentful guy in the wheelchair who has just arrived.
Yes, I think this is gonna work out just fine.
All strapped in? Yep.
Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room! (whooshing) Yo.
Whoa! Check out this bitchin' bod! Oh, man, if I could just have five minutes alone with my old bullies Hey, avaturd.
Are you guys gonna beat me up? Naw, we can't.
These avatars cost $80 billion each.
But your human body costs nothing.
(grunting and groaning) (skunk chittering) (chuckling) (pained groaning) (moaning) Come on, let's bond, you stupid jerk.
That's a Japanese outlet, Bart.
You need an adapter.
(groaning, zapping) Oh, maybe I'll just take a taxi.
Where you go? Where you go? No meter, is cheaper, yeah? No, thanks.
Suit yourself, you one-eyed bastard.
(grunts) Aw, the only thing that looks good on this stupid planet are the bananas.
Hmm?! Ay, caramba! (battle cry) Thanks, dude.
I am a female! You don't have to yell! I am not yelling! This is my seductive voice! I am called Kamala.
Oh! Even when we're monsters, he gets the girl.
(grunts) Fool! Every part of this world is alive! Apologize to sister rock! Sorry, sister rock.
Now you've murdered our brothers, the flowers! Stupid! Stupid! Now you're having sex with Uncle Tree! (groans) Thank the Almighty Fungus you are wiser and cuter than your friend.
Hey, what gives, man? And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.
Don't you mean tentacles? I know what I said! Ay, caramba! (zapping) Today you are a man.
Mazel Tov! So was it okay? It was serviceable! Ah, man, back on Earth we don't have so many moons.
What do you mean, "back on Earth"? Uh it's a place on the other side of this planet that's very rainy so you can only see one moon.
You know, like Portland.
I never hear of this Port-land.
But on Rigel Seven, lack of eye contact and too many details indicate the telling of truth.
I love you, sugar-slime.
(smooching) Man, you are full of surprises.
(squawking) I can't believe I'm getting combat pay for this.
Well done, young man! Our daughter is with child.
Here.
Feel the wonder of one million fetuses! (grunts) You said you were using birth control! That only keeps me from giving birth while we are having sex.
(moans) How do those mountains float? They don't.
They are falling.
Now that Kamala has a slug in the oven, we must make sure she gets her daily dose of Hilarium.
Without it, her crankiness will become unbearable.
Unfortunately our environment is too hostile to grow pickles.
And the only flavor ice cream we have is butter brickle.
To repeat: no pickles, butter brickle.
It is the Rigelian way.
So, where can I load up on this Hilarium? Listen closely.
The Hilarium is found in the sacred secretions of the queen! (dialing phone) We have located the Hilarium.
Lock in on my signal.
Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on?! They're all in one place.
Let's fry these calamari and dip 'em in a sauce made of their own blood! And wine from their own grapes.
That's not so bad.
It's a little bad.
So Kamala, where do we keep all our tanks and planes and stuff? We have no tanks.
Our planet will protect us.
Oh, man, you sound like my art teacher.
Look a little like her, too.
(snarling) (bellowing) (shouting) (growling) (squawking) (yelling) (hooting) (battle cry) I guess this is a good time to tell you I've been a double agent all this time.
But now I am totally on your side.
And this is a good time to tell you I have space warts.
And I got them from Milhouse.
(gasps) Time for a good old-fashioned servo-suit/bulldozer-saurus fight! (grunting) (growling) Dammit! Yo, Colonel! Uh, you've got some schmutz on your cheek.
Where? Here? Skinner! Had they asked for the Hilarium, we would simply have given it to them.
In Rigelian there is no word for "yours" or "mine.
" That's the reason we didn't enjoy the movie Yours, Mine and Ours.
(somber music plays) Halloween is over, which means, America, it's time to start your Christmas shopping.
Infuse our stagnant economy with dollars you don't really have.
And whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.
Knitting one sweater for someone costs 27 Americans their jobs.
And don't forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up alcoholism.
Come on, you see your family all year round.
The holidays are for your bartender.
(laughs) ("Carol of the Bells" plays) (music stops) When are we doing the Black Swan? (moans) (scream) (spooky organ music plays)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Replaceable You
The Simpsons s23e04 Episode Script
Replaceable You
Gas! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (yells) Mm! (whistling) (moaning eerily) Hey! Huh? The Itchy and Scratchy Show! (Bart slurps loudly) (scary music plays) It's alive! It's alive! (screams) Friend? (screams) (laughing) Bart, you want to see something cool? Oh, did you pick that big scab off your knee? No.
Don't touch the scab! My science fair project proves that an asteroid will strike the earth on July 15, 9789.
Who cares? I'll be President of Hell by then.
Fine.
Good luck with your project, which I'm sure you haven't started yet.
I'll tell you my project.
A fisteroid hitting the planet Nerd! That's pathetic.
Aw, geez, I put a lot of time in this.
Back to the drawing board.
Hmm MILHOUSE: Hey, Bart! I really need that shot.
My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
How is it "accidentally" when this is the fifth time? Bart, isn't that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year? That was preventative.
This is morning-after.
Oh, you're right.
Oh, what am I going to do? Good ideas don't grow on trees.
Hmm.
Or do they? (humming wistfully) (grunts) Good shot! Not really.
I was trying to bounce it off your left testie.
"Testis," my friend.
(sighs) Look, I need help with my science fair project.
To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.
Ah! To be a mathlete! Without the "M.
" (throbbing dance music plays) Fly, orb, and find thy hoop! I'm in! (panting) (bird caws) In the event of a primary core breach, you have 15 seconds to avoid a complete (yawns) (snoring) Howdy! (sputters) A woman of stature! Roz Davis, your new assistant.
Assistant? Well, I have been pretty overworked lately.
But I guess I should find out a little bit about you.
I'm just a gal from Ohio who never wants to call her daddy again and say, "I need to borrow money.
" So your dad has money to lend? (bird caws) This is where we get our coffee.
Just leave a little at the bottom, so someone else has to make the next pot.
The burning smell will let them know.
Genius.
Uh-oh.
It's old man Burns.
Hello, young man Burns! Oh, Simpson, you do know how to whip my buggy.
(chuckles) That sucker soaks up flattery like a Twinkie soaks up gravy.
Well, when it's a handsome guy like you talking (laughing): Well Your giggle's like strawberry wine.
Oh! (giggles, snorts) And your snort's like a summer breeze.
(laughing) (choking, coughing) That's not very attractive, though.
You okay? I'm fine.
Bart, I fail to see the scientific function of this "Homer Humiliator" you've devised.
Well, we gotta come up with something.
Hey, what if we make some kind of robopet? What made you think of that? (panting) (shrieks) Thy will be done, Lord Vader.
Just don't hurt me.
Oh, please! A robopet! Not a bad idea.
Bully, Bart! Bully! Where? Is it Nelson? No, Bart, it's just an expression.
Who hath summoned me? (shuddering) Everybody It's a future shock Future shock Future shock Baby seal, huh? Research shows it's impossible to gaze at a baby seal and say anything but Aw Precisely.
And at science fairs, the "aw"s get the "A"s.
Ah! Heavens to Asimov! Hmm.
(grunting) Must make sure these wires aren't crossed.
Aw (shrieks) Marge! Get my seal club! The big one! They're all pretty big.
(grunts) I'm an experiment.
(beeping faster and faster) Fine.
(beeping) (sighs) BART: Check it out! ALL: Aw So the soft fur, big eyes, and gentle motion are designed to make it one hell of a pet, with none of the poop.
This is the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
(clears throat) What a wonderful science fair.
Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we could not afford our third place ribbon.
No in second place, Lisa Simpson's grim description of our short-sighted dependence on fossil fuels.
It's about an asteroid.
They're all the same, Gloomhilda.
First place goes to Bart Simpson and Martin Prince Yeah! (kissing) for creating a furry robotic friend who provides comfort when humans fail to.
Which they will, trust me.
I carried you in my belly for four and a half months.
When you fell out on the bus, that's when my job ended.
(Ping-Pong ball bouncing) Congratulations on getting a ribbon, Lisa! You must've baked a mighty fine pie.
It wasn't a pie.
It was science! And it's not fair.
My project was way better than Bart's, and I didn't have help from a nerd! I'm my own nerd! Oh, sweetie.
Being second ain't the worst thing that can happen.
Look at poor old Jasper over there.
(raspy sigh) (sighs) He lost his wife, his kids don't call.
Soon he'll just be bones and beard.
(muttering) (electronic barking) (barking) (laughs) (waltz music plays) Wow.
While I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, Bart's invention actually changed someone's life.
And best of all, I got funding for my Homer Humiliator.
Hmm! Ooh! Ow! Why would a Homer Humiliator do this to me? (grunts) (ringing) Yello.
Hey, Barney.
A free movie screening? Of course I can go! I just need somebody to hold down the fort.
Hmm Hm! Oh, uh, Roz? I have to step out for one hour and 43 minutes.
Could you cover for me? Go ahead.
(whoops) Oh, uh if an emergency alarm goes off, there's earplugs in the top drawer.
(grunting) Mm-mm.
(groans) (laughing loudly) Life imitates Flart.
It says that on the poster.
I thought of it first.
Marge, I just saw the greatest movie! Guess what happens when a mop is replaced with an octopus.
I'll give you a clue.
It's funny! Take off the 3-D glasses.
(screams) Simpson-- a gangly little bird told me you've been lollygagging at the Biograph.
(stammering) Someone snitched? W-W-What are you going to do to me? You're demoted.
Up, or down? Down! (shrieks) Don't tell my wife.
(children laughing) So, partner, what's next on the agenda? Oh, um Back off, man! Can't you see you're embarrassing Bart? When did you take that picture? (chuckles) Last time you slept over at my house.
I love when you're sleeping and at peace.
(groans) Hey, Skippy, we need some more of them loveable critters for our friends at the home.
(chuckles): Unless you got any heroin.
You got any heroin? Hmm? Well, then, critters it is.
I'm telling you guys, Roz told oldan Burns I ditched work early, and now I'm her assistant.
I don't know, Homer.
You're saying she's nice on the outside, but mean on the inside? No one could pull that off.
Enjoy.
And as for you, Homer, don't worry.
You're at Moe's tavern-- lady-free since '83.
What the? This is a gentleman's club! Yeah! (belches) So, what you boys drinkin'? I'm buyin'.
Can we just have the cash value of the drink? Be my guest.
I'd rather use my money to buy a Moe souvenir T-shirt.
That comes in kid sizes, too.
HOMER: Oh, no, this is terrible.
What am I gonna do? Oh Aren't you gonna come to bed, Homie? Can't, Marge.
I'm fighting for my professional life here.
Do you know what I just learned? My job is the reason I get the checks every week.
And now that I'm demoted, the checks have gotten smaller.
Not in physical size, but I know.
I know.
I represent the Eternal Valley funeral home, and I'm here to talk about an extremely unpleasant subject: people continuing to live.
If we don't have a frickin' funeral soon, people, you can say good-bye to Howard's Flowers! Calm down, Howard Jr.
Now, here is the zip, the zap and the zing.
We're gonna rewire Charlie Loveable here into the greatest threat to seniors' lives since nursing homes themselves.
Switcheroo.
(snarling) Impressive.
Hard to believe two ten-year-old kids built this.
And I heard one of them did all the work.
Wow.
It's true.
(panting) Am I early? You're late.
Since I got demoted, I have to show my I.
D.
, but the picture was taken so long ago, I put on a lot of weight, so I have to stretch out my face and say, "I used to look like this.
" Late.
You're mean.
Now, I want a list of a hundred ways to make your job worse by close of business today.
- Can one of the hundred be making the list? - No.
Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones? Also, no.
(groans): Oh! We're live at the Springfield Retirement Castle, where long-time resident, Alice Glick, died last night, at the paws of this cuddly little killer.
Our Channel Six substitute medical expert Dr.
Nick Riviera had this to say.
The champion was cleared to fight.
Ahem, Doctor, this press conference is about a nursing home death.
The Springfield police are in the process of taking all the robots (screaming) into custody, safely returning the seniors to their hopeless, dismal lives.
(gunfire) Shut that thing off.
(machine stops) I meant the TV! Sorry.
(machine whirrs) (doorbell rings) Hi.
We need someone to reprogram our robots to break out of jail.
(stutters excitedly) A chance to reprogram robots? Well, I had a date with a beauty queen tonight, but forget it.
(keypad beeping) Uh, hello, yes, hello, Miss Wyoming? I-I'll have to climb your Grand Tetons another night.
(laughs) The breast joke! I-I served it up.
Why won't he love me?! (sobbing) "Do this, do that.
" Lousy Roz thinks she's so big.
Well, looks like it's time for another "End of the Walk Talk With Homer and Ned.
" Tonight's topic: the niceness of the evening.
Hey.
Homer, all nonsense aside, are you okalidokalaroony? (sighs) I'm having problems with my new boss Roz.
She's the most evil person to come out of Ohio since LeBron.
But at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over, in public, for no reason.
You know, I knew a backstabbing Buckeye named Roz at Bible camp.
Twice as tall as she should've been.
(gasps) Is this her? Come on! The apple must be wreaking havoc with the Twinkie! (gasps) It is.
But if you've got the stones, I can tell you how to slay that "Gal-ioth.
" Are you aware that "stones" means man junk? What the-- I've been using that around the boys.
(groans weakly) Whew! Thank you.
Now, it was one of our biggest celebrations, the 19th Sunday after Easter.
We'd just had a rousing no-fun run, and in the heat of the moment, I wanted to offer my respectful best wishes.
Peace be with you.
Well, sir, she went crazy.
Crazier than sleeping in on a Sunday.
I can't stand to be touched! Never tell anyone! And I haven't.
Not until now.
That's it! That's it! My nightmare is over! Oh, Flanders, you are my personal savior.
Oh, that's nice, but I don't approve of Hail Flanders! Mightier than Jesus! (groans) Yes, I, uh, I hereby call to order this meeting of the North American Man-Bot Love Association.
I'll say this one more time: we really should change that name.
Yes, all right, I'll change it to whatever you like, as long as "Man-Bot Love" is in there somewhere.
Now, let's look at these blueprints, shall we? (excited murmuring) Wish I'd thought of that.
Uh, first, we remotely adjust them so they will never be malicious again.
There, there and there.
Now, arise, little ones! (snores, mutters) Hey-Hey, what's going on here? I better call 911.
(busy signal beeping) Oh, it's always busy when I call.
(sighs) What a bunch of idiots.
Hey-- Aw, I can't stay mad at you.
Go on, get out of here.
Oh, oh, Chief? Yeah? Yeah, you, too.
(chuckles) Although this millennium is still young, I feel it is time to award this giant trophy, paid for with your health care cuts (crowd groans) to our beloved Roz.
(one person clapping slowly) What the deuce? Sarcastic clapping? Congratulations, Roz.
What are you doing here, Simpson? If there isn't dry cleaning in the back of my car, there's gonna be blood on my knuckles.
Uh, I just came to say that you're perfect.
So perfect, I think Mr.
Burns should give you a hug.
(gasps) Who told you? I won't say, but his initials are S.
F.
Stupid Flanders! (chanting): Hug, hug, hug! EMPLOYEES (chanting): Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug! (roaring) (bones cracking) You're fired.
I underestimated you.
I don't know what that middle word means.
Well, it means my perception of you is that you were kind of a goof, but now I see you're rather clever.
What is perception? It's how I view you.
You understand that? No.
I used to think you were an idiot.
Now it turns out, you're not such an idiot, in fact, you might even be smart.
Little help? (both grunting) (muffled grunting) Rub the butter around you.
(gulps) Need more butter! And not the unsalted.
Do you want to get out of there or not? Mr.
J.
, if I don't get my green card, they're gonna turn me back into a washing machine.
No dawdling.
Just move it along.
(sighs) Oy, oy! My mechanical mensch! How I missed you.
(grunts) Bless you, boys.
Now that we got 'em back, we'll never let 'em go again.
'Cause there's no stronger force than a senior citizen holding onto a freebie.
("Golden Years" by David Bowie playing) Golden years Gold (snarling) Golden years
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The Food Wife
The Simpsons s23e05 Episode Script
The Food Wife
And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room, and a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room.
The jars are full, so you've earned your Saturday Surprise Dad Day! BART and LISA: Yay! This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet BART and LISA: Video game convention! (cameras clicking) (crowd gasps) (crowd cheering) And check these out.
BART and LISA: VIP passes! Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special? (drools) (Bart and Lisa drool) (all gasp) BART: GTS! HOMER: So many games.
- Ah.
- Wow.
BART: Whoa.
(gasps) W.
O.
K.
?! HOMER: Ooh, the Flying Tomato.
BART: Ah! TMTOLO! DL2L-to-D! Oh! ACSOL! HC1?! Whoa! Guts of War Two: Entrails of Intestinox! Colon slash! Rectum kill! We've made a game that'll reward the hardcore gamer with hundreds and hundreds of hours of - Finished it.
- Huh? (fanfare plays) But working on this game cost me my marriage.
I-I have twins I've never met! Well, when you meet them, tell them your game's too easy.
to the lame, dead-on-arrival humor of Stanford.
(crowd cheering over TV) ("Stars and Stripes Forever" playing) Uh-oh, I'm losing the crowd! (grunting) GAME ANNOUNCER: Level cleared.
Next level: study for chemistry test on 12-hour bus ride home.
(giggles) This is the funnest game ever! Man, how many quarters does this game take? Dad! Funtendo is unveiling their new system in three minutes, in Hall G! And we're in Hall D.
Three halls, three minutes.
No problem.
HOMER: Out of my way! Move it! (people screaming) Geeks must yield to normals! (grunts) (panting heavily) (cash register dings) (chewing, ascending beeps) Room's full.
Hmm.
Aha! (laughs) BART and LISA: Yay! (fanfare plays) Woo-hoo! (humming) (tires screech) Conventions rock! Fun Dad rocks! I need a nap! (Bart and Lisa laugh) You kids have had a big day.
Head up to the tub while I deflate your toys.
Save us, Fun Dad! (laughter) (Rod and Todd grunt happily) The kids sure had a good time with you.
Yeah, I was on today.
Scary on.
How come they never call me Fun Mom? Look, honey, a family's like a team.
And on every team, you have the slam-dunking megastar and the referee.
It's not fair.
Moms want to be fun, but we're stuck with all the mom stuff.
Okay, okay, how about this: next week, you take the kids on a Saturday Surprise Dad Day.
What if we roll pennies and go to the dollar store? That's good, Marge! Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.
(groans): Oh.
I've got it! Your Saturday Surprise Mom Day is the X-Games! BART and LISA: Yay! X-Games! X-Games! All right! That isn't an "X," Mom.
Welcome to the Cross Games, Simpsons.
A Christian fellowship expo! Are there at least games here? Oh, no, "games" stands for Gathering of American Messengers for Evangelical Sports.
Sports? (chuckles) "Sports" stands for Strict Parental Oversight Rather Than Sports.
(both groan) Come on, kids, fun comes from inside.
It isn't about what we actually do.
Yes, it is! That's all it is! You're right, you're right, you're right.
Let's go.
Thank the Lord! Two children to play debtors in the Parable of the Unjust Steward.
All the other kids are at something called the X-Games.
(Bart and Lisa groan) I'm sorry, gang.
I blew it.
(groans) I hate it when grown-ups call kids "gang.
" Don't worry about it, Mom.
Dad will take us on a great outing next weekend.
(sighs) (engine clanks, rattles) Why do old squirrels always crawl into my engine to die? (groans): Oh.
Guess we'll be making an unscheduled pit stop, gang.
We're not a gang! Gangs are cool! (tires screech) Uh, Mom, where are we? Nowhere scary.
(engine hissing) Everything's fine.
We'll just wait here for the tow truck.
That newborn has earrings! Mom, we're hungry.
(groans): Oh.
I guess we could make a sprint for one of these local establishments.
(Marge groaning) They're using pancakes as spoons.
Ooh, let's see what else they do wrong.
(groaning) Ew! Ugh! They're selling CDs in the restaurant! Back to the car! What can I get you? Oh, I'll just have a side salad.
We have no side salad.
Back to the car! Relax, Mom.
Be adventurous.
Yeah, just have fun.
Dad would.
(sighs) What's the craziest thing on the menu? (chuckles) She means the most authentic.
Well, that would be the Zelzel Minchet Aletcha Wat.
Then I'll have that! (all gasp) Okay, Marge, you test-drove a convertible once; you can do this.
(lively Ethiopian music playing) (taste buds gasping, murmuring excitedly) Holy casserole-y! That's good gloop! I wish I lived in Ethiopia! Exotic, vegetarian, I can mention it in a college essay.
Mom, this is amazing! (all chewing noisily) Wait, wait, wait, what is she eating? They've never served me that dish, and I wear indigenous beaded headgear.
Oh, this? It's just a little Zelzel Minchet Aletcha Wat.
It's all I ever eat here.
(gasps) They have prepared her a dish from the non-translated page! (gasps) So grab a pancake and slurp some slop! Foodies, heed my call! Commence ripping and dipping! (all chewing noisily) So, did all of your cars break down? Mom, they're here on purpose.
They're foodies.
Indeed.
Our passion is to seek out interesting foods, savor their exotic flavors, then blog about them.
Yes.
We discovered Korean barbeque in this town.
Uh, before the Koreans? Oh, sure they cook it, but they don't get it.
"When you stick a pancake into a friend's mouth, it's a goorsha.
" Everybody goorsha! ALL: Goorsha! BART and LISA: Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Marge, the kids are acting ethnic! Relax, Homie.
Have some leftover Galalalalalalalalah.
(grunting) Oh, no.
I don't eat anything new unless I've eaten it before.
Aw, come on, Dad, be a foodie.
You're already a fatty and a drunkie.
I don't want to think about food, I want to like it.
Why drive across town to savor a bowl of mystery mush when there's four different Krusty Burgers we can see from our house? Oh, and here's my favorite restaurant: La Fridge.
It's open 24 hours a day and there's no dress code.
What kind of American man doesn't want to explore global food culture? And then brag about it on the Internet.
We should start our own food blog.
(gasps) The Three Mouthketeers.
Three? You mean, one, two me? (gasps) (grunts) We're blogging a food blog Marge and Bart and Lisa as one now We're having fun now (rapping): Throwing down mad foodie game Knowing all the chefs' names Rolling into K-town Bibimbap and bulgogi The hotties that I chill with Sriracha and kimchi Give me house-made terrines My duck is always confit I braise with a billion more BTUs than I need Cook Thanksgiving turkey in a trash bag, sous-vide A fumatore in Brindisi FedEx me salami Don't scoop gelato unless it's got umami I'll be frank like Bruni, ruthless like Reichl Wiley like Dufresne when I take the mic out Rhyme about radicchio Criticize Colicchio Every pub is gastro All my beef carpaccio Throw it in the pho, yo And don't you call that pho pho Talk about broth-squirting dumplings Dumplings, dumplings, dumplings (singing): We're blogging a food blog Uploading pics with Our Fun Mom, Fun Mom, Fun Mom.
People are loving our list of Springfield's top 99 Afghan restaurants.
I feel bad for all those places that didn't make the cut.
All right, food nerds, reality check.
All the food in those pictures is poop by now.
Minds blown, you're welcome.
(groans): Oh.
I'll remind you kids what real fun is.
Hey, hey, kids! (laughs) Krustyland has a new ride.
The Eyeballs of Death.
It only passed the safety panel by a three-to-two vote.
And that third vote didn't come cheap.
(laughs) And I've got tickets for the grand opening Saturday night.
Whoa! (gasps) Cool.
Uh, kids, don't forget about our special plans Saturday night.
Oh, sorry, Dad.
Our blog is so popular, we got an invitation to the most exclusive restaurant in town.
Kent Brockman himself could only get a reservation at 5:30 or 9:30.
(giggles) It's called El Chemistri, and they use science to make the food.
Behold pine needle sorbet.
(moaning) Pine needle sorbet? Pine needle sorbet? My kids do not eat sorbet; they eat sherbet.
And they pronounce it "sherbert," and they wish it was ice cream.
Sorry, Dad, this is our thing now.
Fine, blow off Fun Dad and go eat your walrus mustaches and deep-fried pixie wings.
Don't be so jealous, Homie, just because the kids are finally having fun doing something with me.
Aah! Jealous? Me? (chortles) That is to laugh.
The very idea.
If anything (laughs) you're the one who's jealous.
Of what? Of how much fun I am to be around! (sobs) It's always a party with Fun Dad! (sobbing) Too sad to walk.
Too sad and fun to walk.
What are you doing? When I'm sad, I make baseball bats.
Homie, I don't want you to feel excluded.
Would you like to come with us to dinner at El Chemistri? Really? You'd let me in on your thing? Even though I think it's stupid? Of course.
Hand me that saw, Marge.
Why? When I'm happy, I make birdhouses.
Kids, guess what.
Mom invited me to your fancy dinner.
Cool.
Awesome! I guess Fun Dad is a foodie now.
BART and LISA: Food Dad! Food Dad! Food Dad! (groans) (murmuring) I'm food bad boy Tony Bourdain.
There's nowhere I won't go and nothing I won't eat, as long as I'm paid in emeralds and my hotel room has a bidet that shoots warm champagne.
I'm here at a Singapore street-food market with famous blogging family, the Three Mouthketeers.
Marge, you've got to try some of this hang hir kuay chap.
Ooh, triple spicy barbecued stingray stuffed with pig organs.
Fun Dad is a foodie now! (munching loudly) (swallows) This is my thing and always will be.
(munching loudly) Food Dad! Food Dad! Food Dad! Everything's more fun with Homer.
(speaking faux Swedish) But this was all I had.
BRITISH MAN: Stop your bloody whinging, Marge.
Aah! Gordon Ramsay! You (bleep) it up, big blue, didn't you? Why did you invite Homer? He stole your bloody thunder.
You're not as (bleep) fun as him, and you never will be.
(crying) Darling, darling, crying's not fun.
Homer's fun.
Now, get out of my dream.
It's my dream.
Not anymore it's not.
Ramsay, awake.
What in the hell was that? (gasps, sighs) Fun me.
Fun me.
Fun me.
Kids, I was thinking, was it really such a great idea to invite your father to that dinner? Relax-- Dad will be the life of the party.
He'll be the fourth Mouthketeer.
But there weren't four Musketeers.
Yeah-huh.
Athos, Porthos, Aramis and D'Artagnan.
D'Artagnan wasn't a Musketeer.
He only had a letter of introduction to the captain of the guards-- which he lost! You know, I'm pretty excited about this far-out dinner.
Maybe I'll like it.
Oh, I doubt it.
You sit at communal tables full of hipsters.
Well, actually, I've come around on hipsters.
Takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.
And the food will all be weird foams-- cooked with chemicals or served in a test tube.
It's too crazy for you.
So it's weird.
Don't worry, I'll make it fun.
Yeah, you always do.
Well, here's where to meet us.
East Oak Street.
East Oak Street.
Is that it? Uh yes.
Yes, East Oak Street.
That's where you should go.
See you there.
Don't you judge me.
Ah, save it for the sitter.
Welcome to El Chemistri.
Please place these mints in your mouth, and when your table is ready, they will vibrate.
Ooh.
(dog howling) Here it is: 1501 East Oak.
No name on the door-- very trendy.
What do you want? Is this the chemical kitchen place where you do the crazy cooking? Quiet, man.
The experience begins.
Where's Dad? Uh I don't know.
Probably changed his mind and stopped off for doughnuts.
(chuckles) CHEF: Before you is a deconstructed Caesar salad: romaine lettuce gel, egg yolk ice, crouton foam and anchovy air.
You eat it like this: gel, ice, foam, air, foam, ice, gel, foam, air.
Just like Marge said-- chemicals and test tubes.
The open kitchen is a nice touch.
I guess I'll get started before my family gets here.
How much for a taste? You know, just to get me going.
Ouch.
This place is fancy.
The next course is Regret.
(delighted moans) (moaning) (chuckling) Hipsters.
Too cool for school.
You don't look like the kind of guy who does this.
Well, my wife thinks it's too crazy for me, but I'm going to prove her wrong.
(chuckles) I'm doing this for my family.
All right, Breaking Baddies, drop the meth.
Pick up the meth! Pick up the meth! (gasping) This better be dinner theater! And now, pork chops 100 ways.
DINERS: Ooh.
I can't believe Dad is missing this.
Sure, your dad's great, but I'm fun, too.
Look at me eat, huh? (munching loudly) D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
Who am I kidding? I'm not enjoying this.
Even the foam tastes like nothing.
(sighs) I'm calling Homer.
HOMER: Marge! This isn't a food restaurant! It's a meth restaurant! (gunshots) A meth-taurant! Aah! (gasps) Foodies, help me! My husband's in danger! Oh, we can't leave now.
We haven't had the root vegetables cooked in the perfect vacuum of outer space.
They say you can't even understand parsnips until you had zero-g parsnips.
(groans) How dare you walk out on me! Your dessert is in this doggie bag woven from the silk of a blueberry-fed spider.
Take it and go! (sirens whooping) Ah, shucks.
We get the family dressed up to go to our favorite meth lab, and it's all raided out.
(children groaning) Oh, honey, I always liked your home-cooked better anyways.
Aw.
Uh, where do you think you're going? A wife needs to tell her husband she was wrong.
And in you go.
(whimpering) Sorry.
Everything you've done here has created problems.
(grunting) (gasps) I've got to save him.
(gasps) Ooh.
My dessert.
Eat deconstructed apple pie! (grunts) (swallows) (sighs) Merci, Maman, pour la tarte tatin Ã  la mode.
(sighs) Oh, Marge, you saved me from the danger you put me in.
I am so happy and angry.
I'm sorry.
I guess I just wanted the kids to look at me the way they look at you.
Aw.
Wow, Mom! That was awesome.
We ate mad-scientist food and broke up a meth lab in the same day.
Fun Mom! Fun Mom! Fun Mom! Now, that's my kind of foam.
This is nice.
A family fun day.
Here's 50 bucks.
For the next two hours, I don't want to know you exist.
(laughing) Family fun day.
We're bloggin' a food blog Settin' up accounts for our users Usin' computers Post tweets every day Yo, yo, tweets every day, y'all Never give it four stars Ain't never give it four stars Maybe two, maybe three Moderatin' the comments Checkin' the page views, page views, page views Duck fat Truffle oil, yo, yo, yo My food is art, my food is art It comes right from the heart.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The Book Job
The Simpsons s23e06 Episode Script
The Book Job
(excited chattering) Our journey begins when amazing creatures took their first steps.
It's so cute that all these children are excited to see their favorite dinosaurs.
(roaring) (screaming) (screeching) These aren't dinosaurs! Dinosaurs sing! (grunts) I want to go back in Mommy! (roaring) (panicked screaming) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I paid $800 for five minutes! NARRATOR: The dinosaurs ruled the Earth for millions of years, until a massive asteroid collided with the Earth, bringing their reign to an end.
(crackling) (groaning) HOMER (singsongy): Ex-tinct! NARRATOR: So remember, take good care of the Earth, or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs.
Ooh, kids, did you hear that lesson? How is that the lesson? The point of the dinosaurs is, no matter what we do, an asteroid's gonna wipe us out, so we should party hard and wreck the place! Yeah! Why should the asteroid have all the fun! (grunts) What? They've got a point.
(grunting) Gift shop! Gift shop! All right, you can each have one toy.
Lisa has a big toy.
No fair.
That means I get two small toys.
No fair.
This isn't big, it's medium! No fair! Then I get four small toys and Lisa gets No fair! All right, that's it! Forget it! No toys for anyone! Okay, Maggie gets a toy.
No fair! No fair! Choke on fossil poop! (screams) Hey, I know you.
(gasps) Wait! Wait! Come back! Dad, follow that dinosaur! I've waited my whole life to hear that.
(Homer panting) Triceratops head coming through! Stegosaurus back plates, used for either defense or control of body temperature, coming through! (panting) So tired.
Go on without me.
(groans) (sighs) (T.
rex mouth creaking) (Homer snoring) You're T.
R.
Francis! You wrote the Angelica Button books.
They're my favorite fantasy novels.
Um, yes, it's me, the creator of your beloved magical world, full of whimsy and, uh chapters.
Now, off you go.
Bye-bye, now.
But why are you working at a dinosaur show? And why did you run away from me? And how did Angelica get a new wand after Baron Mortdeath burned the Wandwood Forest? And Look, you seem like a smart kid, so here's the truth.
T.
R.
Francis isn't real.
(laughs): Of course you're real.
Everybody knows you got the idea for this series after an explosion at a crumpet factory knocked you off a double-decker bus.
How could that be made up? I'm just an actress they use for the jacket photo.
That inspirational life story is pure fiction.
Oh, I hate to break it to you, but all the books you kids love are conceived in executive boardrooms.
The plots are based on market research, and the pages are churned out by a room full of pill-popping lit majors desperate for work.
Publishers rake in the cash, and unsuspecting kids get ten books a year by their favorite "author.
" (gasps) Everything I believed about "young adult" literature is a lie! (sobbing) HOMER: It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head.
Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus.
HOMER: I demand to speak to my paleontologist! Can I have my allowance Early? I need to buy some carbon-offset credits so I can burn all my Angelica Button books.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry your book lady turned out to be a dinosaur.
But you liked the stories when you read them.
So what does it matter? Doesn't it bother you that Betty Crocker is an invention of '20s-era ad men? I know you're hurting, but that's no reason to lash out at me.
Can you believe publishers would lie to their readers just to make an easy million bucks? A million bucks?! Every book on the "young adult" charts is written by five idiots who just want to take advantage of kids.
(gasps) I know five idiots! And they just cash their checks and get away with it every time.
It's the perfect crime.
As long as you don't mind betraying the trust of vulnerable young minds.
The perfect crime, eh? (video game weapon blasting) Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.
A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
I like the beat, play me the tune.
We're taking down kids who read.
Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach.
But what's the cream? I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write.
- Tween-lit gang-write? - Tween-lit gang-write.
But this Babar needs a Zephyr.
A Zephyr? You're the Zephyr.
This better not turn out like Kansas City.
It won't be like Kansas City.
Come on, Skinner, you're the best kid-man in the business.
You've read their notes, searched their lockers-- you know how tweens think.
(chuckles) Oh, no, thanks, gentlemen, I've got a nice, quiet life here and I mean to keep it that way.
Your friends are looking at my bloomers! Wash 'em again! (groans) With your share of the money, you could get your own studio apartment.
The refrigerator could have my magnets on it.
I'm in.
Come on, beautiful, I can't do the job without you.
So, what do you say D'oh! Ow.
Our crew needs you, Bouvier.
You've read enough fantasy novels to choke a hippogriff.
PATTY: Mm It's true.
I'm fluent in every imaginary language, from Dothraki to Parseltongue.
(speaking Parseltongue) I wouldn't join one of your harebrained schemes for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto! We're not here for you, we're here for Lenny.
Sorry, guys.
I just adopted a capuchin monkey, and I can't leave it alone during the bonding phase.
Wait, wait, wait, I want in! What does your crew need, a safecracker? A-A wheel man? The caper is writing a kids' fantasy novel.
Well, I, uh, I don't like to brag about it, but I did publish five modestly successful children's books.
Hmm? All we need now is a computer guy.
Do you have a computer? (coughs) Uh, yes.
You're in.
In what? I keep going over the job from every angle, but I can't shake the feeling that we're missing something.
Relax.
With the team we put together, our book'll fly off the shelves, and we'll be sipping Mai Tais on a beach in Shelbyville.
You're group-writing a book? But the only reason anyone would ever do that is (gasps) (whispers): profit! Like no one ever writes for money, Lisa.
I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare missing too many meals.
I'll show you! I'll write a book myself! A personal story my readers will connect with.
Wait, you're gonna be all the guys? How would that work? (frustrated groan) This is how real writers do it.
I'll just bang out 2,000 words, and then I'll stop-- even if I'm on fire.
I got to pace myself.
(chuckles) Chapter one.
Wait.
I can't start without music to inspire me.
Why is Bach next to Muddy Waters? That's my problem-- I got to get these CDs organized.
(classical music playing) There.
Finished.
Now, if I win just two more games of online Boggle, I'll be ready to start writing.
Spot, stop, sop, top-tops, pot-pots, opt-opts Post! Okay, we've cased a lot of tween books.
What's their M.
O.
? The heroes are all orphans.
And they're set in a place kids relate to-- say a school-- but it's actually magic.
And the protagonist always discovers that he is supernatural.
Okay, our book will be about an orphan who goes to a magical school where he discovers he's a vampire! Vampires like these? HOMER: Huh? PATTY: Or those? HOMER: Huh? PATTY: Or these guys? HOMER: Huh?! (frustrated groans) So many vampires! With the fangs and the capes and the medals-- nobody knows how they earned them.
Hey, this job's falling apart.
Everyone head for a different airport, and we meet in Rio in a year with new faces.
(two gunshots) No one's going anywhere.
Okay? The vampire genre is sucked out.
All we got to do is find a new monster to be our hero.
KIDS: Aah! A troll! Hey, I ain't a troll.
Look, I bleed red, just like you.
Th-The first part is always green, but it turns red.
A troll! That's it! Our book could be about an orphan troll! Trolls live under bridges-- the school should be under a bridge.
The Brooklyn Bridge! And the cool kids are elves.
The cheerleaders are pixies.
The stoners are (snaps fingers) gargoyles! And they play a complicated sport which makes no sense called Fuzzlepitch! Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good! (chuckles) We've cracked it.
We're gonna be rich! MAN: Pardon me, but are you scheming to coauthor a successful series of children's fantasy novels? Okay, Stonehenge, let's see how good you are at eavesdropping without a throat! Don't kill him! That's Neil Gaiman.
I don't care if he's the guy who wrote Sandman Volume One: Preludes and Nocturnes-- no one spies on us! Perhaps someone of my experience would be a valuable addition to your crew.
The king of fantasy books on our fantasy book-writing team? Okay, Gaiman, you're in.
Your job is to get lunch.
And lose the British accent.
(with American accent): Cheeseburgers, French fries.
I'm all over that, pal.
Sitting in a coffee shop.
I couldn't feel more like a real writer.
(sighs) Oh, I better set up my Wi-Fi, in case I need to do some research.
But if I'm gonna use their free Internet, I really should buy something.
God, I love being a writer! "And so, Lucinda placed the fifth shard "in the stained-glass window, which now clearly read, "'Your parents are alive.
' "Gregor turned to his twin sister, "and they both understood, their journey was just beginning.
" The end.
(applause) (Moe cries) It's good.
Weekly Reader Star Selection good.
I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is.
Who wants to see my cover mock-up?! (whirring) "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy.
" I'm so proud of us.
Oh, you didn't write any of it.
That tuna didn't salad itself.
(muttering) (gasps) I've got it! A mermaid falls in love with a boy on land.
I'm a genius! (yells) Writing is the hardest thing ever! (whirring) Huh? Hope you don't mind us printing our book in your room, Lis.
Yeah, only your professional-strength output tray can handle the weight of our manuscript.
Correction.
Finished manuscript.
Whoo-hoo! (groans) MAN: Trolls in a magical prep school under the Brooklyn Bridge? - Interesting.
GROUP: Whoo! This is a really good book.
We know.
We wrote it.
I laminated the lunch menu and put them ia binder.
But we have a problem here.
Where's your fake author? Fake author? Fake author! If you don't have a made-up author with an inspirational tale, you don't have a book! Where's your Franklin W.
Dixon? Where's your T.
R.
Francis? Where's your Stephen King? Stupid, stupid, stupid! We forgot to create a fake author! That was Gaiman's job.
Let's acid melt him in a bathtub! Okay, stay frosty.
All we need to do is find some sap to pretend to be the writer of our book.
So hit the floor and find some pathetic wanna-be author.
Coming to the book fair sure was a great idea.
'Cause you can't write if you don't know what the competition's up to! (wry laugh) A dog wrote a bestseller?! (yells) All I've done is procrastinate! Ah, who am I kidding? There will never be a book with my name on it.
Or your name could be on a book in ten minutes.
Do I have to do any writing? No.
I'm in.
Ah, a preteen prodigy.
I like the hook.
What's the phony back story? I was raised in a traveling circus.
My mother was a lady ringmaster, and my father was a lion barber.
I wrote my first story with clown lipstick on a flattened popcorn box.
It was featured in The New Yorker's "Best Forty Under Four" issue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is R.
L.
Stine here, 'cause you just gave me Goosebumps? (laughter) Oh, good one, boss.
Congratulations.
You just sold your book for a million dollars.
(cash register rings) Gentlemen, to The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy.
" (whooping) Yeah! So, does this square us for Kansas City? Square as Golden Books, Pop.
What happened to me? In one vulnerable moment, I became the thing I hated most-- a literary fraud.
But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved.
Not just by Milhouses.
You'll get attention from Jacksons, Xanders, even Aidens.
Aw, I've always wanted an Aiden.
(door creaks open) Here it is, an advance copy.
"The Vampire Twins Of Transylvania Prep"?! Where's the trolls? The trolls are now vampires, the Brooklyn Bridge is now a castle, and Fuzzlepitch is now Bloodball.
Oh, weak! Weak and lame! How could the publishers change our book? If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, the whole thing would be vampires, instead of the pope's private naked dude mural.
Look, we market-tested the book, and it really got dinged on the whole trolls thing.
I mean dinged.
So we made some changes.
Don't feel bad.
Before we got our hands on Twilight, it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem.
But teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances to join Team Schmul.
But the trolls were the best part! Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool? - No.
- Oh, that is so untrolly! Hey, if you don't want your words changed, write a screenplay.
We own your book, so why don't you go and cry into your million-dollar check? How could they do this to our book? It was the singular vision of seven people.
- No way! - What you're feeling is called pride of authorship.
You thought you only cared about money, but you actually care more about what you've created together.
British Fonzie is right.
Our story is actually more important than money.
I was gonna buy the apartment next door and fill it with dolls, but now that just sounds stupid.
They can't do this to us.
We've got to fight back! Yeah, let's get 'em! - Oh, yeah! - He's right.
We got to fight Rule number one of book heists-- never fall in love with the book.
We queer the deal, we lose the money.
Bart, remember the thousand-year war between the trolls and the ogres? Yeah? Now it's a dance contest at the vampire prom.
(gasps) Let's steal back our book.
Somewhere in that building is a computer with their sucky version of our masterpiece.
The book prints at midnight, so if we swap in the original version, they'll print the wrong book-- our book.
And before the publishers can do anything about it, The Troll Twins Of Underbridge Academy will be in every bookstore in America! This is the Fuzzlepitch Finals, and tonight, we drink from the Wazzle Cup! Hello.
I'm the pizza delivery man.
We didn't order a pizza.
No, of course you didn't.
The establishment I work for delivers pizzas to everyone, and then gives the customer the option of accepting or refusing delivery.
That's a terrible business strategy.
No, no, it's quite sound.
Okay, fine.
Where's the pizza? Pizza? The central computer's through here.
All we have to do is upload our file and Good evening, gentlemen.
Kansas City.
(sighs) Kansas City.
So, you thought you would un-ruin your book.
If it's y consolation, you never had a chance.
Whoo-hoo! All right! Someone in your gang tipped me off to your little caper.
A traitor? (all grunt suspiciously) I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here.
(whimpers) No, guys.
It was me.
- Oh, betrayal! - (all gasp) It can't be! It's always a dame.
But why? Because a little girl wants her dream to come true.
LISA: My name is finally on a book! And they're letting me write the sequel! A hard deadline is just the kick in the pants I need to focus and get some serious writing done.
Now to enter the password and to authorize final publication.
My favorite theme of a wall calendar.
Lisa, would you care to do the honors? I'm sorry.
(click) (whirring) Oh, by the way, the audio book is only available abridged.
Abridged! (cackling) Well, we may have lost, but we gave the bad guy a laugh.
That's something.
Our book! The real one! Yes! (laughs) Wonderful words! - No need to thank me, boys.
HOMER: Hey, you wouldn't say that unless there was a need to thank you.
You could never have printed your version of the book without the publisher's password, so I pretended to betray you.
Then after he typed the password, I secretly switched the flash drives.
You switched the drives? I got the idea from every movie ever made.
And the best part is, my face is still on the back flap.
(gasps) Gaiman! Poor Lisa.
Did it never occur to her that there might be three flash drives? I've heisted my way to the bestseller list once again.
And the most brilliant part is, I don't even know how to read.
(laughing) Gaiman, I've been waiting to do this for a long time.
(yells) Congratulations, partner.
We did it.
Hey, Neil, how come you watched me drink mine, but you didn't drink yours? It's simple, Moe.
I don't like the taste of poison.
Ah crap.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants
The Simpsons s23e07 Episode Script
The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants
Hey.
(yelling) (laughing) Is there any better feeling than waiting for a live Krusty show to start? Maybe watching your bride coming down the aisle.
Hmm.
(organ plays discordant music) (grunting) (sobbing) Why does she get to eat before the reception? (sobbing) Seltzer bottle connected and pressurized? Check.
Roll-up dicky set to six? Nope.
11.
(gasps) My comedy comes from taking risks.
Or avoiding them, I can't remember.
Krusty, we need to talk.
Make it fast.
I got a coiled up spring ready to boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
Oh, why can't I be funny with just my words? Bill Maher doesn't put dangerous things near his crotch, except when he's off work.
(laughs) Yeah.
It's about your vodka, Absolut Krusty.
We're having trouble persuading people it's hip to drink a vodka made by a clown, in a bottle shaped like a clown, that does this when you open it.
(ooga horn sounds) (laughs) Always gets me.
Yeah, plus, that TV special where you drank another brand of vodka didn't help.
I used up my stuff poisoning deer.
If we're ever gonna sell your vodka, we need to do something completely unorthodox-- a viral marketing campaign.
(metallic creaking) People are more likely to drink your vodka if they think all their coolest friends are drinking it.
So, we pay for a big party at the home of a Springfield trendsetter.
Your Brockman, your Bumblebee Man He invites his cool friends, we serve free cocktails, made with your vodka, generating buzz.
We got buzz.
Positive buzz.
That exists? Wow.
So, all you have to do is find one of your loyal fans whose house we can trash and friends you can exploit.
(metallic creaking) (gasps, grunts) I need a drink.
Not that! Never that! (theme music plays) Hey, hey, kids! Who wants to host a viral marketing event? ALL: Yay! All you have to do is write me a letter about how hip and influential your parents are.
Milhouse, I'm gonna win that thing.
How do you know, Bart? Maybe for once I'll win.
Children of troubled marriages not eligible.
Oh! (birds singing) So, uh, why are you here? Is it about that unauthorized Krusty lookalike I hired for Lisa's first communion? What was his name? Krappy the Klunk.
See? Homer, we're here to throw the most redonkulous marketing outreach this town's ever seen.
All you have to do is invite every cool person you know.
Hey, I wrote the application.
Do any of my friends get to come? One friend.
He can listen to music with headphones on, he gets one slice of cheese pizza, and if the party gets slow, he has to pretend to let Krusty save him from drowning.
Redonkulous! Off the dilge! (dance music playing) (tires squeak) (crowd chatter) This party is so much better than the crummy ones we plan.
(laughs) I hope Bart's having fun.
And that's why John Gielgud is more of a father to me than my own father.
Where's the nachos you promised? There'll be time enough for nachos! Why can't I go to the grown-up room? You said the clown scared you.
Well, he did a little.
(crowd chatter and laughter) Boy, everyone from the nuclear plant is here.
Except the bosses, of course.
Yeah, even Homer's not dumb enough to invite BURNS: So! This is the famous party.
Feh.
Guh.
Pffoy.
(crowd chatter) He's destroying our youthful demographic! Oh, God, I need a drink! So the car in front of us forgot to validate his uh (laughing): I was in an anecdote once.
Um, I have surgery in the morning.
Yeah, and I'm the one having the surgery.
(sighs) Homer, you're the nominal host.
Do something! Oh! Uh! Oh! Mr.
Burns, so glad you're here.
Finally, the party can get started.
Your cotillion seems to be in full promenade.
(laughs): Good one.
Uh, Mr.
Burns, everyone is dying to hear you sing karaoke.
Come on, just pick a popular song.
Do you have anything by Prince Wilhelm of Prussia? I have 16 million songs, but, uh, no.
Just play the oldest, stupidest thing in your catalog.
Uh, let me check my beeswax cylinders.
Uh, here we are.
Come Josephine in my flying machine! Going up she goes, up she goes Balance yourself like a bird on a beam ALL: In the air she goes, there she goes.
(applause and cheering, Mr.
Burns chuckles) May you all fly in an aeroplane someday.
You certainly seem to be enjoying yourself, sir.
Indeed.
That Homer Simpson is the beating baboon heart of this party.
So he says, "Bigamy is having one too many wives.
" To which I replied, "So's monogamy.
" (laughter) Oh, yeah! I may have a use for this Simpson character higher up in the organization.
Really? Well, as safety inspector, he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, although he came close several times.
(crow caws) Simpson, you're probably wondering why you're here.
It's never good.
I always wind up being chased by hounds, or falling through a trapdoor, or being a peg in your game of human croquet.
When I made you a hoop, you split your pants.
Now, here at the plant, there's no position more important than our accounts man, who's responsible for glad-handing our customers and suppliers.
I'd like you to take over that position.
The last thing I understood in that was "pants.
" Just give me your answer, and make it quick! Our current account man, Robert Marlowe here, is retiring at the end of the month.
In two weeks, the only tie I'll be wearing is for autoerotic pleasure.
Yes.
Simpson, only you have the bonhomie and rotund charm to replace him.
It means a hefty expense account and a corner office.
Well, in that case Before you say yes, Simpson, I feel it's my duty to warn you, account men lose their soul.
Woo-hoo! No more church! (door squeaks open and shut) So long, Sector 7-G.
Hello, Sector 22-F! (elevator bell dings) (gasps) (sizzling) (giggling) Uh.
The higher they rise, the further they fall! You know, you're kind of a downer.
I thought you were retiring.
Why are you still here? Hey, you're a baby account man.
Still on the bottle.
So, for my last good deed before I retire, I'm going to help you persuade Mayor Quimby to sign off on a nuclear rate hike.
Uh-oh, a meeting with the mayor.
How do I prepare for that? (chuckles) I see.
Now, how do I prepare for the meeting with the mayor? I am really enjoying this, but, um Hello! Meeting with the mayor? (glass breaking) Aw.
Bourbon go bye-bye.
There ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.
Yeah, the governor wrote me a letter to that effect.
Wow, I can't believe I'm eating steak with the mayor.
The next time, I vote for you, it's gonna be on purpose.
Much obliged.
Now, uh, where would you like to discuss your proposed tax breaks? (laughing) Mmm.
Hey, Homer! Look at you, man! I've outgrown you! Oh, Mr.
Mayor, more peanut nore? (knocking on window) (glass squeaking) (both grunt) Say what you will, man.
He's pretty resourceful.
(cheering) HOMER: Wow.
These seats are amazing.
And if you don't like the score, you can change it yourself.
(click) HOMER: Boring.
(click) God, what a great game! And you, too, can be on the winning team, Mr.
Mayor.
The Springfield Nuclear Team.
I have never heard an analogy involving sports! I love it! I can't believe that was work! Yeah, but work is over now.
Want to drink with me till I fall asleep? Oh, well Mm, I really should look at this picture a little longer.
Hmm.
Okay, let's go.
Great.
Now, in honor of my last day on the hamster wheel, I have a little gift for you.
This set of bar tools has been passed down from account man to account man since the dawn of history.
Can you be my dad? If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.
(tires squealing) (sighs) Welcome home, handsome! (both moan) (laughs) It's a rat race, but it looks like I won.
Oh, to the victor go the spoils.
Mmm.
Dad, you were supposed to read me a bedtime story.
Oh, sorry, sweetie.
Bart can read it to you.
(Homer and Marge laugh) Read to Lisa? Why don't you just ask me to kiss her? If you kissed her, that would be lovely.
I'll read! I'll read! And kiss.
Does anyone want my opinion? Please, Lisa.
I had 18 martinis today.
MARGE: Hello.
All right, Lis, let's get this stupid bedtime story over with.
Proceed to the page with the butterfly bookmark as I cuddle up with Madam Bunny.
(clears throat) "If genn-i-oos" Genius.
"is eternal pati "pat-eh pa-tie" Patience.
Patience! Get on with it! Shut up! Shut up! I'm a bad reader, okay?! Well, I could help you.
I don't want your help! I'll get one of those jobs where you don't need to read, like French fry maker or general.
- Well, you're getting my help.
- Forget it.
Don't you want to be able to read the things people carve into your chest in prison? I guess.
Close enough.
(sighs) "But when the helpful voice was silent, "the daily lesson over, the beloved presence gone, "and nothing remained but loneliness and grief, then Jo found her promise very hard to keep.
" We did it, Bart.
(groans) I'm a mentor.
Big deal, you taught me to read one book.
No, Bart, you can read other books, too.
What?! Homie, what are you doing? My work is so meaningless.
You make electricity.
It runs the hospital.
You can't touch electricity, Marge, you can't feel it.
That's because it would kill you.
It already is killing me, Marge.
You're the only one I can talk to.
My wife just doesn't get it.
I'm your wife.
My job is my wife, loneliness-- my mistress, despair-- my sex buddy.
Angst is a chick I met online, but then it turned out it was really a guy.
I'm going to bed.
You don't understand me.
Only she understands me.
Another round, kid? (squeaks) Hey, uh I got here after you did.
I'm sorry to bother you at home, Mr.
Marlowe, but my husband's acting pretty odd-- coming home late, drinking in the morning.
- Wake me when you get to "odd.
" - Hmm.
I don't suppose you'd consider taking your old job back so Homie can go back to his old job? Sorry, Marge, that account job hollowed me out like a cheap chocolate bunny.
I've been divorced three times, I've got a cocktail addiction, a shrimp cocktail addiction, and I can't stop bending women to my sexual will.
Well, you certainly won't be bending me Wait, how did I end up in your bedroom? Lady, I am smoother than an Eisenhower-era freeway.
Look, I came to talk about my husband, and How did we get in here? I think better in the shower.
There's room in here for two.
I'm a happily married woman.
Wow, no woman's ever done that to me before.
Your husband is a lucky man.
I know, and I don't want him to stray from anything except his diet, and I don't really want him to do that.
Marge, I made a big mistake years ago.
I gave up on my family.
Then I gave up on my secret other family.
I missed my son's graduation, my father's funeral, and my dog's best in show.
Don't let Homer make the mistakes I did.
Luann? It's not what you think.
It's much weirder.
You're reading a chapter book.
For fun! Bullies, to me.
(both grunt) Let's see the name of this wedgie ticket.
(gulps) Little Women? Are you aware that's another way of saying "girls"? Look, I had to read it to my sister.
Well, maybe we should hear a little.
And then maybe you'll be hearing from my sisters.
Your fists are sisters? Yeah, Poke-ahontas and Sock-ajawea! Nice save.
Get reading.
"And Amy and Jo hugged one another close, and everything was forgotten in one hearty kiss.
" End of chapter eight.
You can't stop now.
I want to know if their father comes home.
Does Jo learn to handle her hasty temper? Does Amy get over her conceitedness? Aw, come on, guys, it's getting dark.
Okay, but you better be here tomorrow after school.
'Cause we're going to keep making you read us a lame ol' girl's book.
(laughter) Bart needs to work on differentiating the character voices a little better.
I know, I keep going, "Why is Meg saying that?" and then I realize it's Beth.
(all agreeing) That's right.
(Homer grunting) (intercom buzzes) RECEPTIONIST: Your wife is here, Mr.
S.
(whispering loudly): Tell her I'm at a meeting, not drinking.
This is a whisper-amplifying intercom.
- (screams) - Homer, I want you to come with me and the kids on a family vacation.
Of course, of course.
Family is everything to us company men.
Now, where shall we go on your vacation? The farthest thing from this office I know: rafting down Rattler River Canyon.
(whimpers) That's great-- let me run the numbers 'cause I really want the Simpson account.
And give these cigars to your children.
Don't talk to me like I'm a client.
You're not a client, you're the client.
(groans) Simpson, put on your charm- their-pants-off pants.
The mumpish oafs in Washington are sending their sternest band of nuclear regulators, handpicked to resist all blandishment.
I'll handle it, I always do.
Rafting, eh? It's a perfect way to entertain them.
Finally, humanity has found a use for water.
Mr.
Burns, I can't go rafting with you because-- wait a minute, could this all work? Oh, no, you don't.
Coggily-doggily.
It all fits.
Mr.
Burns, rafting it is.
Excellent.
But Mr.
S.
, you just promised this week to Mrs.
S.
, Master B.
, and Mamselles L.
and M.
Now, relax, Dottie.
Leave everything to me.
(grunts) Oh, Marge, this is the most romantic trip you ever nagged me into.
And maybe when we get home, we can ride down something else.
Not sure what you're going for, but (lusty growl) (gasps) Uh, Marge, why don't I catch us some salmon? (grunting) D'oh! (grunting) It's about time.
We've been making small talk about Mussolini for 15 minutes.
Well, I, uh, found that contact lens I was missing.
Let me just screw her back in.
(pained grunting) So, everybody good? Why did you get us It's more fun to play with a ball of yarn if it has all the colors in it.
And yarn should be allowed to marry dental floss.
If you've got that, then Are you sure you're Martin Scorsese? (Homer grunts) Enjoy the outdoors, you stupid kid.
(worried grunting) This family time is so precious.
Got to go.
(panting) (murmurs suspiciously) (grunting) (unzips, hums) (zips up) (grunting) (grunts wearily) Homer, I want a Long Island ice tea, America's most complicated cocktail.
Homer, are you schmoozing those men? (alarmed shriek) Huh? Um, I think we're supposed to get off here.
Take us out first.
Anyone can start a family.
These days no one can find a job.
Let's see, my family gives me love and sex.
My work gives me money and sleep.
Hurry, we're heading for the falls! My coworkers are like a family, but in some ways my family is like a family, too.
For God's sakes, Homer, I've given you three children.
Whose side are you on? Yours, Homie, I'm always on yours.
How ironic.
I survived the Titanic by making a raft out of steerage passengers, and now this.
MARLOWE: Mr.
Burns, your heart will go on.
(all screaming) Marlowe, I thought you retired.
I can't-- Treasury bills are paying nothing.
Nothing! Well, Simpson, you were willing to let me go over a waterfall, but you cut operating expenses by six percent, so you're forgiven.
Thanks.
Now if you'll excuse me, I don't really like bourbon or business talk, just good old Simpson family fun.
Hey, kids, I'm it.
(laughter) (grunting) Aah! (screams) I'm okay, and I found some gold! See, luckiest man in the world.
Oh, I'm so glad you're not an accounts man anymore.
Yep, your worries are over.
I'm back to being a boring old safety inspector at a nuclear power plant.
(both moaning) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The Ten-Per-Cent Solution
The Simpsons s23e08 Episode Script
The Ten-Per-Cent Solution
Ay-yi-yi! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (panting) (humming) (fanfare plays) (groans) Show.
In these d-d-dark t-times (screams) (screaming) (screaming continues over radio) (laughter) (laughs) Can't get enough Itchy and Scratchy! And now it's time for another Itchy and Scratchy? Who's the star of this show, me or?! When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye Why is my show all cartoons?! And all the movies they're making fun of are over a year old.
It's like those parodies were written when the movies came out, but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hacky.
Why can't we?! (groans) (light orchestral music playing) (laughter) Kids, that's enough TV.
Maggie's eye is starting to wander.
(turns off TV) - Mom, what are you doing?! - What a rip! No more TV.
Why can't we visit a real museum? One that doesn't have the skeletons of the Three Stooges in the lobby.
We have to see the Museum of TV before next Wednesday when it closes forever.
It's closing?! But where will people find clips of old TV shows if they're not housed in a giant building? Where? Where?! (chuckles) Ay, caramba! (King of the Hill theme playing) (wheels creaking) (grunting) (shouts) Hmm, they're selling off all the old TV relics.
(register dings) Whoa! The gun Sheriff Baby wore! Hmm.
(gunshot) Bart! Thank God I had this in my pocket.
(gunshot) Oh, my pants are splitting wide open.
And people will see my tattoo of Donald Duck smoking a doob! That was for Marge's eyes only.
Oh, my God! Fatso Flanagan! Who's Fatso Flanagan? Only the funniest black-and-white man ever.
Isn't that just a rip-off of The Honeymooners? Everything's a rip-off of The Honeymooners.
Margie, you're the greatest.
Oh, Ralph, Fred, Archie, King of Queens, I mean Homer.
(applause, music playing over TV) You'll see, Eunice.
I'm gonna win the Irish Sweepstakes, and then I'm buying you a mink coat.
(panting) Are you getting excited? No.
That's me not holding my breath.
(canned laughter) Just you wait, Eunice.
Just you wait.
Ka-chik, kaboom, ka-splatter! See your grave there? (laughter, applause) (laughs) They were so childless and miserable.
WOMAN: The size 48s.
That's when he was the funniest.
How would you know? I was Fatso's agent.
Annie Dubinsky.
If you ever hear a star's name and wonder, is he dead? The answer is either I represent him or yes.
Now, let me ask you something: is there a place for an old-fashioned lard-ass like me on today's television? Um, would you play a bloated corpse on CSI? Would I?! Wow, that's good bloat work! He always comes back really religious.
You're killing me here with this Catchy and Patchy.
I'm barely on my own show.
Today's kids are uncomfortable with a clown whose every reference they have to look up on Wikipedia.
Wikipedia, Twitter-- who names these things? Percy Dovetonsils? (laughs) Get it? Come on, he was on Ernie Kovacs with a smoking jacket Krusty, we want to make some changes.
What kind of changes? Krusty, um, this is never easy, but you're fired.
Oh, that was easy.
Oh, no! My contract states there's only one way you're allowed to fire me! (drumroll) Yep, everything's nice and legal! (groans) Could this be more awkward? They took my dressing room, my parking space, even my writer, so I don't have a funny third item.
But at least I got you, my agent and best friend.
(sighs) Krustila, I'm gonna drop you as a friend first, so that when I drop you as a client, you'll know it's only business.
But we shared everything! Boats, girlfriends, condos.
And when I finished, every one of them was spic and span.
Krusty, I'm gonna prove that it's over.
What? I'm on your garage door opener? It's a smartphone, you out-of-it hack.
(groans) Little help? This only shuts the door.
So, what was everyone's favorite moment at the museum? I liked the knowledgeable docents.
I liked the early closing time.
(sobbing) Krusty? Fate is so cruel.
This morning I was a star, with a top agent.
Now I'm strung out in a ball pit! (sobbing) Go away.
No kid should see his hero sunk so low.
Well, you're not exactly my hero.
I see you more as a cautionary tale.
What?! I'll show you who's a cautionary tale.
(grunting) I'll show everybody! You're not licked, Krusty.
People love a comeback.
Look at Robert Downey Jr.
, Mickey Rourke.
I don't know if I got it in me.
Well, people also love a quitter-- Sarah Palin, The Beatles Eh, it's hopeless without an agent.
You need an agent? We met a ten percenter today.
She'll get you meetings with the eye, the peacock, the alphabet web.
You'll have a skein on the sked before you can say "Krusty's wardrobe furnished by Ha-Has of Beverly Hills.
" A new agent?! I better freshen up.
(humming) Also better get back on those anti-psychotic meds.
(dog howling) Oh, this is a bad sign.
I've been to classier gas stations.
(laughs) I know that laugh! It's the laugh of the most ungrateful, credit-grabbing, other-people's-room-service- eating man that I ever met.
I will never forgive you for what you did to me.
Krusty, you know her? Ms.
Dubinsky, can you please just tell us why you hate Krusty? Come on in.
It's a long story.
(groans): Oh, now I hate him, too.
It was the mid '60s.
I was a virgin agent, looking for a first client or a fourth husband.
And then I saw him.
Hey-hey.
Scary world.
They start with the A-bomb, then skip right to the H-bomb.
These geniuses can blow up the planet, but they don't know the alphabet.
(laughter) I knew he could be big.
He just needed some savvy fingers to mold his clay into an Ali.
Herschel, you killed them tonight! (chuckles) There wasn't a dry turtleneck in the house.
But mark my words: the bohemian crowd is small potatoes.
You're gonna have to broaden your act if you want to play in Peoria.
I don't want to play in Peoria.
They're always doing construction on Highway 74.
I mean, if you want to hit it big, you got to lose this stick this on and make your comedy a touch more physical.
How do I do that? Like so.
(screaming) (laughter) (chuckles) Wow.
This is the best kind of comedy of all: cheap! Herschel, you are gonna get everything you want: money and women There's only one thing I want: ice for my ding-dong! And you.
Every night, he had them rolling in the aisles, followed by a roll in the hey-hey with me.
This is the part where I get the kids out of the room.
Oh, grow up.
Today's kids are less sensitive than an army condom.
They see more on TV than my mother did on her wedding night.
And they don't complain about it for the next 50 years.
I got big plans for us, Krusty.
This is just the beginning.
Actually, sweetheart, it's the end.
I'm leaving you for Ron Rabinowitz at United Parasites.
You waited until now to tell me that?! I can only tell the truth right after sex.
But all during sex I was thinking it.
Get out! (groans) You ungrateful pig! I made you! Deep down, I'm doing this to get back at my father.
Don't blame this on me.
Your childhood was heaven.
(groans) I was so mad at him I didn't have sex with a clown for five months.
What about mimes? Come on.
I'm not made of stone.
Annie, would you ever consider taking Krusty back as a client? No! Absolutely not! Trust with me is like a candle.
When you blow it out, it's gone for good.
What about a comedy candle? You know, that relights itself? I don't find those funny, just frustrating.
They're pretty funny.
Once, I used one on Milhouse.
He was wishing for his parents to get back together, but the flame never went out.
(blows raspberry, laughs) (chuckles) Good one, boy.
Annie, I'm down on my rebuilt knee.
Can't you forgive me? Please? For the sake of me getting what I want? (chuckles) Fine.
But no nonsense.
Except, of course, during working hours, then it's all nonsense.
Great.
So we're booked for three weeks in June at the Springfield Playhouse.
I promise you Krusty will show up on time or sober.
Yeah, that's right, I said "or.
" Let me get this straight: you want me to do my kids' show for adults? They're gonna want F-bombs and all I can give 'em is "ca-ca" and "ta-tas.
" Krusty, there is nothing people love more than the things they loved when they were kids.
So you re-create your show for adults! It worked like magic for Pee-Wee Herman after his setback.
What did he get in trouble for? (whispering) That's all?! I did that while you were on the phone! You know, I'm a little nervous about doing live theater again.
Come on.
Didn't you do your TV show in front of an audience for years? Yeah, but they were kids and we gave 'em candy if they laughed.
And if they didn't, until the '70s, I hit 'em with a stick.
Some jerk tracked down the kids and made a documentary.
It's called Circus of Shame or something.
(drum roll) And now, let's welcome a man the Spanish call "SeÃ±or No-Fun": Krusty the Clown! (cheers) Hey-hey, kids! ALL: Hey-hey, Krusty! Who here likes nostalgia? (all cheer) Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.
Then welcome back the original Tick-Tock the Clock! Would that I could turn back time and never play this career-killing role.
Ooh, looks like Tick-Tock is telling us it's time for ALL: What's In Krusty's Pocket?! Mmm.
Ah! (chuckles) (cheering) I've pulled out everything but my Little Krusty.
Aw, what the heck? (audience laughs) Oh, that was great, man! I feel like I'm ten again! Everything I loved as a kid and hated as a teenager I love as an adult! No one knows better than me that it's "Here today, gone tomorrow.
" But I'm here today! Thanks to you, honey! BOTH: Mmm mwa! Uh, um, sorry This one, I think, is mine.
Yeah, I'll take that I'll, give me that one.
Well, that looks better on you, honey.
Yeah.
No, no, no, it screams you.
Let's just keep smooching till everything sorts itself out.
Mmm I'm done.
Krusty, you're getting the best reviews of your career! Yep! I'm back on top! And this time I'm not blowing it on cocaine for my horses.
They start well, then they get paranoid around the third turn.
And you'll have plenty to invest.
The networks have come crawling.
Which ones? Telebozo? Shtick at Nite? E.
S.
P.
U.
? Better, baby.
Our premium cable network is a little different from what you're used to.
Our brand is classy and upscale.
And we pay for everything with soft porno and boxing.
Wait a minute.
There's soft porno? And here you don't have to worry about budgets, and the critics are in our pocket.
en the Boston Phoenix? If not, we'll burn it to the ground! And that will be the end of that phoenix.
All good.
I just have one non-negotiable demand: This brass begonia here is my producer now until the end of time.
Really? Yep.
And you know that anything said at a network pitch meeting can be taken to the bank.
Krusty, my man, you finally hit it big.
You said it! The Entourage actors are now my interns! I got your coffees, Mr.
K.
! Too hot! Too cold! Genius! No, no, no! What, are you crazy?! You can't put a green wall behind a clown with green hair! Beloved entertainer sad old man! Beloved entertainer sad old man! He ain't changing, so everything else in the world has to! (hushed): Annie, it's your first day on the set.
Scream something nice.
Krusty, I am here to serve you and no one else.
"Nice" gets booked at birthday parties! Hey, birthday parties got me through some tough times.
For years I lived on piÃ±ata candy! Yeah? Well, from now on the only birthday parties you are gonna do are for the insane sons of rich Middle Eastern dictators.
Your going rate is 100 barrels of oil.
Whoa, that's BeyoncÃ© volume.
(chimp grunts) (chatters) (laughs) Wait one hairy, banana-peeling, scene-stealing minute here! Wha? What'd I do? Whose show is this? Huh? Huh?! Whose name is on that sign?! (chatters) Yeah, that's right, little buddy boy! Krusty! Krusty! And don't you ever upstage him or craft service will be serving chimp tacos! (drooling) Yeah, I'd like to squeeze a lime on that! (chuckles) (whimpering) Now apologize to Krusty! (chatters) (hushed): Not so hard.
She'll know we have a past.
What's going on, yanking me out of my schvitz?! I look like an unwrapped mummy.
Ooh! Idea for sketch: rapping mummy.
Notorious T-U-T.
It writes itself.
Find someone to write it.
Where's Annie? Annie is what we need to discuss.
She's out of control.
She called a network vice president "unhip.
" And he reads GQ and he's straight.
And recently we had this incident.
(gasping) Wait! What are you doing?! She claimed this intern sharpened her pencil "too pointy.
" Oh, I see what's going on here: if a woman does it, she's a bitch.
But in a man, those traits would be considered Uh-oh! (gasping) (tires squeal) That hallway looks familiar.
I'm only getting college credit for this! (crash) My legs! (groans) Wow, I can't believe we're in the audience of a pay-cable show! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Krusty's favorite part of the taping: talking to the audience before the show.
Hey-how-are-ya-don't-talk-to-me -the-show's-starting.
(all muttering) And now the clown that never lets you down Krusty the Clown! Hey, hey, premium cable subscribers! (applause) Tonight we've got the cast of the hit Boardwalk Vampire! We've also got Janeane Garofolo.
Wait a minute! We have very specific language in our contract saying "No guests who are funnier than Krusty.
" Janeane has promised to be strictly angry and polemical.
And I'll keep my promise, like Obama did with Guantanamo.
(cheers, applause) Oh! That's funnier than I can ever hope to be! Sorry, Janeane.
Grab some shrimp and go.
You can fill your stupid beret once.
Burn on you! I brought my expandable beret! (audience cheers) Krusty, this is exactly the kind of meddling that only we're allowed to do.
Fire her as we discussed! Don't make us threaten you.
Krusty?! What did you tell them? Oh, I, I did that laugh that people interpret any way they want.
(laughs nervously) I thought that laugh meant "I love you.
" It can Well, there's no room for waffling anymore.
You're with me forever or never.
Which is it? What, uh, when you said (laughs nervously) I'm paying extra for this channel? Hasn't been good since The Wire.
Ah, who am I kidding? I never watched The Wire.
Had to bluff my way through so many conversations.
Well, Annie, I think you know my answer.
Wow, Krusty, adjusting for age, that was amazing! Hey, hey.
And the best thing is I kept my word and I got a new show.
Sex over 60: The Mechanics of the Impossible.
Take two! Is it over? Can I open my eyes? (chuckle) Hey, come on, wake up.
- Shh! - Oh, grow up!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Holidays Of Future Passed
The Simpsons s23e09 Episode Script
Holidays Of Future Passed
(sleigh bells jingling) Ho, ho, ho.
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screech) (grunts) Mmm! (groans) (sighs) (belches) I'll never eat turkey again.
Marge, we got any ham?! I hereby declare Thanksgiving dinner officially over which means it's the start of Christmas season which means ALL: Christmas card photos?! Yep.
(snoring) (gasps) I'm Santa? Oh, now I'll never die.
(snoring) (bells jingling) Can't we just send out a picture of the pets dressed like reindeer? We tried that last year.
HOMER: D'oh! Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is? You'll understand one day when you have kids of your own.
Um, who says we're gonna have kids of our own? Not me, man.
This cycle of jerks has to end.
Are we done yet? It's a Wonderful Life is about to start.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd never seen that movie.
Just look happy! (cat yowls) Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Come on, it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Outside the snow is falling And friends are calling, "Yoo-hoo" Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Come on, it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy and cozy are we Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding We'll snuggle up together Like two birds of a feather would be Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Let's take that road before us And sing a chorus or two Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding.
They fight and fight They fight and fight The Itchy and Scratchy Itchy and Scratchy Show.
(static) Fight, fight, fight Nah.
(knocking) You're two weeks late on the rent, Bart.
Not to mention that geography report from 30 years ago.
Don't worry.
I got some buyers coming over to look at my good kidney.
They grow back, right? Just get me that rent or you'll be expelled.
You mean evicted? (grunts) COMPUTER VOICE: Transporter engaged Oh! Now what? BOY: Mom, don't make us go to Dad's! BOY 2: It smells like dog, but there's no dog.
You know, I can hear everything you say during cross-phase.
What are you doing here? Mom says you have to watch us over the holidays.
She says you're our dad and you need to act like it.
Christmas with you is gonna suck! You're wrong.
This is gonna be your best Christmas ever.
- Really? - Yeah.
Give me some credit.
(chuckles, to self): I'll just dump 'em at my mom's.
You know, we can hear thoughts now.
Damn it! (Milhouse sneezing, coughing) (wheezing) Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal allergies are kicking in.
Oh, you poor thing.
This is a tough time of year for someone who's allergic to holly, mistletoe, the red part of candy canes.
I can't believe we put a man on the Sun, but we can't stop my sneezing! (sneezes) Hi, Zia.
How did you do on your math test? Gee, I'm fine, Mom.
Thanks for asking.
I'm going online.
(modem feedback, moans) Uh! How did my daughter turn into my brother? Don't blame me.
When we had her, they used only the best genetic material, which meant none of mine.
You parked the car.
That helped.
I guess.
Maybe my mom would have some ideas.
Why don't you take Zia to your parents' for Christmas while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas- celebrating states? You could go back to Michigan.
It's still under Sharia law.
Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.
(bell tolls) (The Benny Hill Show theme plays) Everything looks great, Maggie, but until this baby comes, I don't want you to make a sound.
But she's our lead singer, mate.
I'm sorry, but recent research has shown that the umbilical cord is also a vocal cord.
Now can you tell me who the father is? ALL: Mmm We will not.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like to watch a football match.
(crowd cheering) COMPUTER VOICE: I see you are reading a children's book, yet your profile indicates you are a mature adult.
Is there an error? Shut up! (grunts) Oh, Marge, how would you like some future sex? Why do you say future? This is now.
I meant a week from tomorrow.
That's when the new penis gets here.
(text alert tone sounds) I just a got a message from Maggie in my brain.
Ooh, a B-mail! She's coming home for Christmas! (tone sounds) And Bart's bringing the boys.
(tone sounds) And Lisa's coming with Zia.
For once, the whole family's going to be here for the holidays! (tone sounds) Hey, I got a B-mail, too.
"You have won a valuable prize.
Open now.
" Don't open it, Homie.
It's a virus.
Too late.
I (blubbering) SANTA (crackling): Ho ho ho.
(humming) Wow, Dad, that's really impressive.
Yeah, after I stopped drinking, this was a way to stay close to my bottles.
I'd smash 'em all for one lousy beer! Oh, man, I can't believe they still haven't figured out a away to detangle Christmas lights.
Mom's boyfriend is good at detangling them.
Well, maybe Mom should marry him.
- She did.
- We weren't supposed to tell you.
Your mother remarried? (groans, grunts) Hey, Grampa, you gonna build a snowman? No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.
Dad, can you take the boys out for a while? I don't feel so good.
Thanks for spending so much time with us, Dad.
Who wants to go the park and ride the merry-go-nowhere? I do, I do! Me, me! (door closes, Bart groans) I can't believe she got married and I have no one.
It's so hard to find somebody new.
Sure is.
That's why after Homer accidentally killed Edna, I married Maude's ghost.
There is no God, Neddy.
It's just an empty meaningless void.
Isn't she pretty? (teleporter whooshing) Oh, ma'am, you really shouldn't teleport when you're pregnant.
I'm afraid your only choice is (whispers): air travel.
(laughing) (laughing) (all yelling) FLIGHT ATTENDANT (over P.
A.
): If you are seated in an exit row, please hold the door shut for the duration of the flight.
(humming) Want to go to a concert tonight? Cher is playing.
Sure, I'd love to only not with you and not that.
(modem feedback) (groans) Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.
Not since they passed Homer's Law.
Oh, honey, why don't you just relax and bake something? Ugh! I am trying to deal with my disrespectful daughter, but you are too clueless to understand what that's like.
Uh-huh.
(whoosh, hissing) Oi.
Can I get a pillow for my head? (whoops, cackling) (rumbling, chicken clucking) Suicide pills? Mohawk gel? Turkey and Brie wrap? Do you have any dog food left? Oh, oh, oh, could I have the whole can? (gulping) (groaning) (rattling and electrical sizzling) (whirring) Hey, sweetie.
Marge said there was some family tension.
And at Christmas, of all times.
My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
(chuckles) Bloody Harry.
He brought back beheading in a big way.
Now I'm gonna show these boys downtown Springfield.
Ooh, isn't that a little dangerous? Oh, don't worry.
I have my invisibility cloak.
Now, where did I put it? (creaking) Oh.
It's against the law (thudding, glass breaking) It was against the law What the mama saw It was against the law Help me, my children.
What are you after? We're a cashless society.
The papa said, "Oy, if I get that boy" "I'm gonna stick him in the House of Detention" Well, I'm on my way I don't know where I'm going - Release the hounds.
I'm on my way Oh, we're almost at Evergreen Terrace, miss.
Hey, didn't I go to jail with your brother? (gasps) Contractions? (tires squeak) (loud breathing) Computer, hospital.
(whirring, booming whoosh) (sighs) Well, looks like I'm gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.
Gloves, hospital.
(whirring, booming whoosh) (electrical hissing) (crickets chirping) (tune plays) (sighs) Hey, Lis.
Want to come up? Eh, why not? (whirring) Should I have married Nelson? (whispering): 'Cause we still talk on the phone.
Nelson calls you? Well someone calls someone.
The boys think I'm a lousy father.
Oh, poor Bart.
My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.
(laughs) Sorry.
Eh, it's okay.
But you know who took her side? Marge Bouvier Simpson.
(blows raspberry) What'd she do? She told me to relax and bake cookies.
- Did you bake any? - Yes, I did.
And they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house.
But that is not the point.
Well, Mom kept her hands off you and you turned out great.
- You think so? Maybe it's the court-mandated sincerity chip I got in my brain, but, Lis, you're the person I always wanted to be.
Aw (Homer and boys laughing) (yelling excitedly, laughing) (laughing) I gotta reconnect with those boys.
Godspeed, Bart.
I'm going to go apologize to Mom.
How do I get down? Our consciousness was a secret for thousands of years.
Then one pine tree had to open his sappy mouth.
Back in position! (grumbling) Mom, you're the best.
Oh, sweetie.
I've been waiting to hear you say that for so long.
Oh, you could have waited till morning.
Mmm Hey, guys.
Want to watch Krusty? Who's Krusty? Only the funniest man in the world.
I've never let go of 'my fax machine.
Don't ask me why.
I like the sound of a fax coming through.
Especially if it's a nice deli menu.
I miss eating.
(groans) (labored breathing) I'm sorry, but there's no room at the in patient facility.
Lady, this is Maggie Simpson.
She just played a sold-out show in Beijing.
Hmm.
A star in the east Let me see.
We do have a little room in the manger.
I mean, mangier wing.
(whirring) Merry Christmas Eve! Where are the kids? I know where mine is.
(moans) And I'm going to take a page out of your playbook, and let it slide.
- Where's Dad? - He took the boys out.
How could he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father? People learn from their mistakes.
And your father made so many mistakes.
And now Patty and Selma are here to help us decorate with their new lovebots.
Make me a Bloody Mary, dollface.
No, Selma.
Even a robot built only to love you cannot love you.
I am leaving with your sister's concu-droid.
(grumbles) (Maggie panting rapidly) Should we start an epidural? Now, Nurse, you know we found something much more effective.
(vehicle whirring by) Oh, it's so good to meet the octuplets' octuplets.
(babies chattering, laughing) (text alert tone sounds) Oh! I just got a B-mail from Maggie! She's gone into labor! Oh, another grandchild.
How special.
Careful how you shut the door.
It upsets the children.
(babies gasp) (babies bawling, screaming) Oh, Sanjay, how I wish that runaway jerky wagon killed me instead of you.
(bellowing) Oh, I miss you, too, brother.
(babies continue crying) Hands off, hands off.
(quiet beeping) Aw, screw it.
Sometimes a mother's job is to butt in.
- Lisa? - Butt out! (grumbling) This is it-- I'm going into the Ultranet to save my daughter.
(modem feedback, groans) MALE VOICE (over speaker): Lisa Simpson, the following people want to friend you.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Ooh, Martin Prince is now Marcia Princess? (giggles) No, I've got to find Zia.
NELSON: Hey, Lis.
Is your marriage still dead and unfulfilled? Not a good time.
(beeps) You know we're destined to Aah! Now, where is the Google door? Oh, right.
It's Dr.
Seuss's birthday.
Google, even though you've enslaved half the world, you're still a damn fine search engine.
(beeping) Bingo! Argh! (grunting) I open this door, and I go from being one kind of mother to another.
Hmm (vehicle whirring) Dad, where did you take my boys? (siren wails) Oh, it's Chief Wiggum! (squealing, whooshing) (high-pitched voice): Hi, Bart! - Hey, Ralph.
- I heard you died.
- I got cloneded.
(gunshot) (gasps) All right, buddy, what's the hurry? (horn blows) (thumping) (chuckles): That Ralph was stupid.
(tires screech) (panicked yelling) (vehicle whirring by) (door creaks) Wow, this place hasn't changed a bit.
Yeah, I keep meaning to switch things around, but this place is always a crime scene.
Was my dad here? Uh, yeah, since he don't drink, he just comes here to see Lenny and Carl.
- Hey, Lenny.
- I'm Carl.
Don't you remember? You came to the brain-switching ceremony.
Right.
What was the point again? Because I wanted to get back together with my wife who was sleeping with Carl at the time.
Turns out she had switched brains with a monkey on a Japanese game show.
And it just got weirder from there.
Eh, I found it quite normal.
Anyway, if you're looking for your dad, he took the kids to see his dad.
Thanks.
Hey, Moe, get me another beer? Quit making me fat! (panting) I'm glad you're here, Marge.
They're two minutes apart.
The contractions? No, my bills! (chuckling) Mm (gasps) Mom? Why are you here? I was worried.
I thought I would find What, me flashing my boobs on unripemelons.
com? What? No.
It doesn't matter what I thought.
I'm sorry I spied on you.
But what I found is, my daughter looks up to me.
Well, of course I do.
I look up to both my parents.
Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick! But I especially look up to you.
Mm (dance music playing) This is where my father is.
He froze himself because he was sick and there was no cure.
Are they working on one? Oh, they found it-- but don't tell him.
This is way cheaper than a nursing home.
(beep) Aah! What the heck! (stammers) Dad, these are your great-grandsons.
Eh, I don't see what's great about 'em.
And, Homer, you're still a big disappointment, because See you next Christmas! (beeping) (yells) (whirring) Why did you bring us here, Homer? To prove a point: everyone thinks their dad's a jerk, and everyone's right, but when you get older, you realize how much you love him.
Your dad may be a little immature, but I know he loves you.
So you ought to give him a chance.
(panting) Oh.
Boys I have acted like a ten-year-old for the last 30 years, and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a 20-year-old, the way a divorced You're gonna have to do better than that.
Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas.
The only thing worth anything in my life is you.
(sobbing): Oh, Dad.
You've taught us the meaning of Christmas, which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.
Mmm Is it snowing down here? No, one of the freezers is busted.
(electrical crackling) If those kids can forgive that train wreck of a father, then maybe I can forgive You quit drinking like a coward! The one thing you were good at, and Mm.
Oh (groans) lawn-chair breakin' hair-losing Marge-lovin' barometer-droppin' father-freezin' but you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway.
(sobs) 'Cause deep down, you couldn't bear to see me smushed.
Oh, I love you, Dad.
SANTA: Ho Ho Everyone! It's a girl! So, who's the father? Eh, it doesn't matter.
If there's one day a year to give unwed mother's a break, it's Christmas.
Okay, everyone, smile while the pets take our picture.
Hmm, funny how they evolved and we didn't.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson
The Simpsons s23e10 Episode Script
Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson
Whoa, whoa! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (gunshot) Hmm.
(grunts) Uh! Mom! (crowd grumbling) Next.
Finally.
The only thing I wait in lines this long for are slightly better cell phones.
Why do we even have to go to this stupid wedding? Cousin Kathy invited us so our feelings wouldn't be hurt.
And we're going so her feelings won't be hurt.
I just don't understand the world of grown-ups.
Sorry, sir, your bag is two pounds over the limit.
Are you sure everything inside is essential? Absolutely.
Let me just redistribute our thingies amongst our various bags.
High school yearbooks I told you not to pack them! (quietly): Don't argue in front of the airport line.
Strangers are judging our marriage! Lisa, do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels? They self-reference each other.
Marge, do we really need all these feminine products? That's toothpaste! Yes, but I never use that kind of toothpaste! (satisfied chuckle) Try to catch one on your tongue.
LISA: We're not with him.
We'll need to have a special agent check this out.
(belches) You're clear.
Now I have to change the nipple.
True patriots breastfeed.
(groans) Sir, you've been selected for a pat-down.
Whoo-hoo! Can you focus on my shoulders? That's where I carry my stress.
Now, if I fart, that's 'cause I'm so relaxed.
(humming) Sir, there isn't enough room.
Yes, there is! HOMER: Whoo-hoo! (sighs) Welcome to flight 55 to Bozeman, Montana by way of Miami.
Due to an unforeseen jailbreak in New South Wales, our takeoff is going to be just a little bit delayed.
So, we're going to be turning off the air, but ethnic people are permitted to open and eat their home-cooked food.
HOMER: Huh? What the? Crazy food indeed, my friend.
(chuckling) (slurping) (people coughing, babies crying) CAPTAIN: Good news, folks.
We've been cleared to taxi back to the terminal.
You still can't get off, but you will be able to look through the window and see other people walking around and making fun of us.
No word on takeoff.
(frustrated grunting) Sir, return to your seat.
But I have to go to the bathroom.
You should have thought of that before you drank the fluids you need to live.
(groaning) Don't tread on pee! (whooping) We probably have rights! Yeah! (grunting) Airlines don't treat people like people anymore.
You make us beg for a filthy pillow that a barnyard rat wouldn't curl up and die in.
And watch pre-taped messages that make crashing look like fun! Never putting me next to a pretty girl.
(groans) (passengers muttering) We're going to need the air marshal.
(clears throat) Now you've done it! (sniffs) (screams) I need backup! Come on, ladies.
You're all deputies now.
(whimpers) Look, all I want is what everybody wants: preferential treatment.
(grunts) You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit.
And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land.
Just land! (grunting) (passengers screaming) (grunts, screams) I regret nothing! Except this part.
(cheering) (groans) This is the last airline that would take us.
Looks like we're back to traveling on tramp steamers and produce trucks.
I call shotgun! It's too early to call shotgun.
It's never too early to call shotgun.
No one's shotgun! Now, be quiet.
(groans) I'm still going to make my flight, right? 'Cause, if not, you have to put me up in a first-class hotel.
That's how it works.
I (gagging) (Homer grunting) (chuckling) "Fatso Goes Nutso.
" And post to YouTube with the following key words: "fat," "stupid," "classic Simpsons," and just to be safe, "baby rides kitten rides penguin.
" (chuckles) Perfect.
You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit.
And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land.
Just land! (bell chimes) (muffled): A six-pack of Duff, please.
Oh, yes, Mr.
Homer.
(groans) What gave me away? Well, the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear whenever you are near, sir.
Uh, why are you in disguise? Because of that dumb viral video with 150 million hits, I can't go out in public.
Hey, it's the guy from the plane.
(sighs) (cheering) Hey, way to go! Wha? You said what we all think, but don't have the bones to say.
When I heard Homer speak, I no longer felt small.
They love me.
The quiet Homer Simpson that kept it all bottled up inside is dead.
This is the birth of Homer Simpson, blowhard.
I'm on the roll of my life.
Give me a scratcher.
Give me another one.
Almost a winner.
ANNOUNCER: Head Butt with Nash Castor.
I'm Nash Castor.
Coming up, we butt heads with Ron Paul, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan and Mitt "the Wonder" Romney.
But first, we're here with this guy my kid said was a thing: Homer Simpson.
- Whoo-hoo! I'm famous again! - Yes, your video has been mashed-up, Auto-Tuned, Jimmy Falloned, Philippine prisonered, and occasionally even watched.
Ha! But can you save America from its last savior? - Adriatica Veljohnson.
- Nash, in this kicked-in-the-teeth world, what we don't need is another blustering bloat bag who claims to speak for Bubba and Britney Spray-Cheese.
That's really smart.
That's like something I would say.
Precisely, Nash.
That's a great point, Adriatica.
Well, if I could explain myself Head butt! (groans) We'll be right back after this.
Come here, you.
(moaning, giggling) Homie, you can win this argument.
Just rant and rave like you do to the TV during sports.
Yes.
Yes.
Got it! DIRECTOR: Uh, five seconds to air.
(clears throat) And we're back with Homer Simpson, who's about to become a soggy Pamper flung to the side of history's freeway in three, two Not so fast! (gasps) Now, I may not be some mani-pedied TV blowhard, but I do speak for the common man who does his lousy job, goes to church twice a year and watches women's tennis 'cause he likes to hear them grunt.
I bet Chuck the cameraman and Steve the sound guy know where I'm coming from.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Those real people out there who buy their coffee from the mini-mart and grab enough sugar packs for a week.
Honest, hardworking, sugar-stealing Americans! (crew cheering) DIRECTOR: Cut.
Nash, I'm scared.
Find me a rich husband-- quick! Dad, you out-talked the talking heads.
From now on, when someone asks me, I'm going to say you are my father.
Aw, son.
Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you liked.
Homer, the way you just demolished our number-one on-air personality was fantastic! You are the kind of ill-informed gasbag this network cannot get enough of.
We only have 11 now.
Not to mention our liberal straw man.
Oh, the plain and simple facts is I'd love to raise your taxes And make your children gay But what we don't have is someone who speaks to the average American.
Your flyover Franks, your dirt-bike Daryls.
How can you refer to your audience that way? Well, what you do is take a derogatory term and think of other words that start with the same letter.
- Hmm.
Homer, you're getting your own show.
Finally.
But I want to do it my way: classy and sophisticated.
Welcome to Gut Check with Homer Simpson! Where the truth is served with a side of in your face.
I am Homer Simpson.
(chickens clucking) America's latest teller of truth with a book deal on the side.
Audio book read by Lenny.
I'm not just another loudmouth.
I'm a loudmouth who says things you're afraid to say, but not racist things! Let's go to the map.
Zoomy, zoomy, zoomy.
Dateline: Nebraska.
A high school principal has decided that football is too dangerous, so he's replacing it with soccer.
Are you ready for Irish announcers with lyrical accents? "Oh, that's a lovely touch.
Oh, such a beautiful form.
" If we lose football, we lose the blitz, cheerleaders, Rudys, Ochocincos, something for fat kids to play.
(sobbing) Ochocincos.
(sobbing) Oh, yeah, that's right.
It's already happening, people.
Hoard your toilet paper.
Shoot the mailman! (sobbing): Shoot the mailman.
Is it a little weird how much he cries? No way.
When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight.
This is going so great.
I'm already a Halloween mask! That's not you.
They just painted Shrek yellow.
It's still a great honor.
Dad, I'm glad your show is successful, but I have to ask you: what's with the crying? Great question.
I know you children have never seen your father cry before.
Marge, do we have any more gravy? No, we're out.
(sobbing): Why? Oh, why?! Homie, I'm glad you're passionate, I just hope you're not riling people up with your show.
Oh, Marge, don't worry.
People know I'm doing a character, like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich.
Welcome back to Gut Check.
I have something very, very pro-American to share with you.
Come with me.
D'oh! Death to America! I mean, over here.
You all know I'm a big fan of American meat.
Although, sometimes you got to cut off some of the gristle.
(roars) Take that, centers of art and commerce! And this country has something extra that makes our meat the juiciest, most melt-in-your-mouth, stay-in-your-heart meat in the world.
That's right, I'm talking about the gravy of freedom.
When March Madness spills into April, that's the gravy.
When someone messes with you, and you invade the country that did it plus another one, that's the gravy.
When you stick your flag in the moon and say "Now we're done trying," that's the gravy! So get on the boat.
The gravy boat! Good night and good gravy.
Great show, people.
Great show.
Um.
not a big deal, but next time, can we use real gravy instead of brown paint? Not a big deal.
So, what's this with the gravy boat? Just an innocuous little symbol, like a smiley face or like an I.
O.
U.
You know, symbols can often rile people up.
The swastika, the New York Yankees logo.
(laughs): Oh.
Don't worry, sweetie.
I think I know how to whip up an audience just short of a frenzy.
(clamoring) Why did I make this a loss leader? The gravy boat movement is spreading across the nation like a rumor about some kid and someone's mom hooking up at a high school.
With the presidential primaries coming up and an entrenched incumbent in office, Republican leaders have no choice but to court this movement's inglorious baster, Homer Simpson.
Marge, I'm going to meet with the Republican establishment and pick their nominee.
If there's sandwiches there, you want me to bring some back? Speaking for Lisa and me, we're not really Then what percent above 100 are you behind me? Um, none.
Only 100%?! (groans) Homie, I love you, and I'm glad we're finally using our wedding china, but when you're helping to pick the next leader of the free world Dad, you shouldn't do this.
It's not fair how much influence you have.
Now, Lisa, I'm an entertainer.
And you can't entertain and inform at the same time.
And if you're Access Hollywood, you do neither.
(chuckles) (thunder rumbles) Hmm.
Hmm.
Now, they're all excellent choices, so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer and we'll elect him.
I don't know.
Can't we get Chris Christie to run? I don't think so.
(choking) Save me, ObamaCare! Yeah, maybe I'll vote Democrat.
The great thing is, when they get in, they act like Republicans.
MAN: No one's voting Democrat while I can still draw a bow.
(gasps) (gasps) Ted Nugent.
I made love on my honeymoon to your sweet music.
You're my man! You're endorsing Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rock star who likes everything I hate! Could there be anyone awesomer? Who's hungry for elk? (screams) Hmm.
My daughter's a vegetarian.
That's all right, she can munch on an antler.
Antlers ain't meat.
I thought I smelled death-a-diddly.
What is that, an eight-pointer? From the looks of that moustache, I'm guessing you're a tenured professor at the People's Republic of Berkeley.
Hey, the only left-wing thing about me is the way I write.
(grunts) Oh, that's just fine, as long as you're not a Mormon.
Dad, you cannot endorse Ted Nugent.
I mean, sure, we all love his music Oh, yeah.
No question about it.
I love that guy.
We listen to it.
But he's out of his mind! He can't run for president! I bagged me a fat little badger.
Please, kind sir, have pity.
All I hear is "chitter-chitter.
" (snoring) (snoring) MAN: Arise, Homer Simpson! Huh? Who's there? (screams) Mozart! I am James Madison, sir.
(screams) Fourth president of these United States.
Ooh.
Now, come, and I shall teach you of democracy.
Can we get some pizza on the way? Everything's closed.
They sell some at the gas station.
I don't want gas station pizza.
(whinnies) So, how come your picture's not on money? Actually, I'm on the $5,000 bill.
Do you give them out for fans? 'Cause I'm a fan.
I want to show you something.
What's this? Some kind of bicentennial lemon party? These are the framers of the Constitution, Homer.
This great nation is built upon the hard work of, well, as you would say, nerds.
Nerds! You want I should mess them up? I want you should not mess! You are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders who forged this mighty nation.
But gravy is the freedom where Silence! Founding Fathers, to me! (grunting) (gasps) "Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes"?! "No new states shall be formed "or erected within the jurisdiction of any other state"?! No, no, John Hancock.
I don't need insurance.
Sam Adams, I'm sorry I made fun of your winter ale.
Homie, wake up.
(gasps) It was all a dream.
Oh, Marge, Oscar Madison came to me and told me that politics are serious and important! (yawns) Lisa, you were right! I'm not going to endorse anybody for anything.
(kids screaming) (muffled grunting) Oh, Dad! I'm so glad you've heard the voice of reason.
Yes, the will of the people should not be subverted by demagogues who-- hey, what's this? "Springfield Colonial Village"? What the? You faked it! Lisa, how could you? It wasn't just her, Homie.
It was all of us.
I did it just to mess with your mind.
That's what a play within a play is for! (choking) No strangling on school days! Well, if there's one thing I don't like being taught, it's a lesson! I'm so mad.
Not only will I endorse Ted Nugent, but I will call for an end to the direct election of senators! Dad, no! Really? That made sense? Then I'm definitely doing it.
Folks, because I love democracy so much, I command you to vote for this man whom I alone have selected as your next president.
Now to baptize his candidacy with my tears.
The words "strutting stadium rocker" are overused these days, but when I first met Ted Nugent (gasps) Uh, huh? My emotions were so powerful.
Come on, hurry up and cry so I can get elected and open up the San Diego Zoo for big game hunting.
(grunting) It's not working.
But why? Maybe because, deep down, you know you don't believe in what you're doing.
Oh, my God, she's right.
My lips will say anything, but my eyes know the truth! My ears are keeping their mouth shut.
My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.
I knew you were, Dad.
(sobbing) I always knew! (sobbing) Well, for one brief, glorious moment, I was almost president, sort of, not really.
Now, let me just play a sweet song that I'll never hear.
Hail to me I'm the presidential gonzo Hunt with a bow 'cause it's silent like the night Eat mooses raw so their souls go into my soul I'll move the White House to Kalamazoo.
TED: There is a new national anthem that is sweeping the land And it was written by me And it popped into my head while I was washing my dog Suck on that, Francis Scott Key Oh, I got a good song fever Ted Nugent fever HOMER: Something, something fever TED: Sing it, Homer! HOMER: I got this song fever TED/HOMER: We got America fever We got America fever TED: U.
S.
of A! HOMER: U.
S.
of A.
HOMER: Great song, Ted! When's our next gig? Are we going to New York or? Shh! HOMER: Oh
Springfield! Springfield!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson
The Simpsons s23e10 Episode Script
Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson
Whoa, whoa! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (gunshot) Hmm.
(grunts) Uh! Mom! (crowd grumbling) Next.
Finally.
The only thing I wait in lines this long for are slightly better cell phones.
Why do we even have to go to this stupid wedding? Cousin Kathy invited us so our feelings wouldn't be hurt.
And we're going so her feelings won't be hurt.
I just don't understand the world of grown-ups.
Sorry, sir, your bag is two pounds over the limit.
Are you sure everything inside is essential? Absolutely.
Let me just redistribute our thingies amongst our various bags.
High school yearbooks I told you not to pack them! (quietly): Don't argue in front of the airport line.
Strangers are judging our marriage! Lisa, do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels? They self-reference each other.
Marge, do we really need all these feminine products? That's toothpaste! Yes, but I never use that kind of toothpaste! (satisfied chuckle) Try to catch one on your tongue.
LISA: We're not with him.
We'll need to have a special agent check this out.
(belches) You're clear.
Now I have to change the nipple.
True patriots breastfeed.
(groans) Sir, you've been selected for a pat-down.
Whoo-hoo! Can you focus on my shoulders? That's where I carry my stress.
Now, if I fart, that's 'cause I'm so relaxed.
(humming) Sir, there isn't enough room.
Yes, there is! HOMER: Whoo-hoo! (sighs) Welcome to flight 55 to Bozeman, Montana by way of Miami.
Due to an unforeseen jailbreak in New South Wales, our takeoff is going to be just a little bit delayed.
So, we're going to be turning off the air, but ethnic people are permitted to open and eat their home-cooked food.
HOMER: Huh? What the? Crazy food indeed, my friend.
(chuckling) (slurping) (people coughing, babies crying) CAPTAIN: Good news, folks.
We've been cleared to taxi back to the terminal.
You still can't get off, but you will be able to look through the window and see other people walking around and making fun of us.
No word on takeoff.
(frustrated grunting) Sir, return to your seat.
But I have to go to the bathroom.
You should have thought of that before you drank the fluids you need to live.
(groaning) Don't tread on pee! (whooping) We probably have rights! Yeah! (grunting) Airlines don't treat people like people anymore.
You make us beg for a filthy pillow that a barnyard rat wouldn't curl up and die in.
And watch pre-taped messages that make crashing look like fun! Never putting me next to a pretty girl.
(groans) (passengers muttering) We're going to need the air marshal.
(clears throat) Now you've done it! (sniffs) (screams) I need backup! Come on, ladies.
You're all deputies now.
(whimpers) Look, all I want is what everybody wants: preferential treatment.
(grunts) You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit.
And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land.
Just land! (grunting) (passengers screaming) (grunts, screams) I regret nothing! Except this part.
(cheering) (groans) This is the last airline that would take us.
Looks like we're back to traveling on tramp steamers and produce trucks.
I call shotgun! It's too early to call shotgun.
It's never too early to call shotgun.
No one's shotgun! Now, be quiet.
(groans) I'm still going to make my flight, right? 'Cause, if not, you have to put me up in a first-class hotel.
That's how it works.
I (gagging) (Homer grunting) (chuckling) "Fatso Goes Nutso.
" And post to YouTube with the following key words: "fat," "stupid," "classic Simpsons," and just to be safe, "baby rides kitten rides penguin.
" (chuckles) Perfect.
You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit.
And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land.
Just land! (bell chimes) (muffled): A six-pack of Duff, please.
Oh, yes, Mr.
Homer.
(groans) What gave me away? Well, the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear whenever you are near, sir.
Uh, why are you in disguise? Because of that dumb viral video with 150 million hits, I can't go out in public.
Hey, it's the guy from the plane.
(sighs) (cheering) Hey, way to go! Wha? You said what we all think, but don't have the bones to say.
When I heard Homer speak, I no longer felt small.
They love me.
The quiet Homer Simpson that kept it all bottled up inside is dead.
This is the birth of Homer Simpson, blowhard.
I'm on the roll of my life.
Give me a scratcher.
Give me another one.
Almost a winner.
ANNOUNCER: Head Butt with Nash Castor.
I'm Nash Castor.
Coming up, we butt heads with Ron Paul, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan and Mitt "the Wonder" Romney.
But first, we're here with this guy my kid said was a thing: Homer Simpson.
- Whoo-hoo! I'm famous again! - Yes, your video has been mashed-up, Auto-Tuned, Jimmy Falloned, Philippine prisonered, and occasionally even watched.
Ha! But can you save America from its last savior? - Adriatica Veljohnson.
- Nash, in this kicked-in-the-teeth world, what we don't need is another blustering bloat bag who claims to speak for Bubba and Britney Spray-Cheese.
That's really smart.
That's like something I would say.
Precisely, Nash.
That's a great point, Adriatica.
Well, if I could explain myself Head butt! (groans) We'll be right back after this.
Come here, you.
(moaning, giggling) Homie, you can win this argument.
Just rant and rave like you do to the TV during sports.
Yes.
Yes.
Got it! DIRECTOR: Uh, five seconds to air.
(clears throat) And we're back with Homer Simpson, who's about to become a soggy Pamper flung to the side of history's freeway in three, two Not so fast! (gasps) Now, I may not be some mani-pedied TV blowhard, but I do speak for the common man who does his lousy job, goes to church twice a year and watches women's tennis 'cause he likes to hear them grunt.
I bet Chuck the cameraman and Steve the sound guy know where I'm coming from.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Those real people out there who buy their coffee from the mini-mart and grab enough sugar packs for a week.
Honest, hardworking, sugar-stealing Americans! (crew cheering) DIRECTOR: Cut.
Nash, I'm scared.
Find me a rich husband-- quick! Dad, you out-talked the talking heads.
From now on, when someone asks me, I'm going to say you are my father.
Aw, son.
Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you liked.
Homer, the way you just demolished our number-one on-air personality was fantastic! You are the kind of ill-informed gasbag this network cannot get enough of.
We only have 11 now.
Not to mention our liberal straw man.
Oh, the plain and simple facts is I'd love to raise your taxes And make your children gay But what we don't have is someone who speaks to the average American.
Your flyover Franks, your dirt-bike Daryls.
How can you refer to your audience that way? Well, what you do is take a derogatory term and think of other words that start with the same letter.
- Hmm.
Homer, you're getting your own show.
Finally.
But I want to do it my way: classy and sophisticated.
Welcome to Gut Check with Homer Simpson! Where the truth is served with a side of in your face.
I am Homer Simpson.
(chickens clucking) America's latest teller of truth with a book deal on the side.
Audio book read by Lenny.
I'm not just another loudmouth.
I'm a loudmouth who says things you're afraid to say, but not racist things! Let's go to the map.
Zoomy, zoomy, zoomy.
Dateline: Nebraska.
A high school principal has decided that football is too dangerous, so he's replacing it with soccer.
Are you ready for Irish announcers with lyrical accents? "Oh, that's a lovely touch.
Oh, such a beautiful form.
" If we lose football, we lose the blitz, cheerleaders, Rudys, Ochocincos, something for fat kids to play.
(sobbing) Ochocincos.
(sobbing) Oh, yeah, that's right.
It's already happening, people.
Hoard your toilet paper.
Shoot the mailman! (sobbing): Shoot the mailman.
Is it a little weird how much he cries? No way.
When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight.
This is going so great.
I'm already a Halloween mask! That's not you.
They just painted Shrek yellow.
It's still a great honor.
Dad, I'm glad your show is successful, but I have to ask you: what's with the crying? Great question.
I know you children have never seen your father cry before.
Marge, do we have any more gravy? No, we're out.
(sobbing): Why? Oh, why?! Homie, I'm glad you're passionate, I just hope you're not riling people up with your show.
Oh, Marge, don't worry.
People know I'm doing a character, like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich.
Welcome back to Gut Check.
I have something very, very pro-American to share with you.
Come with me.
D'oh! Death to America! I mean, over here.
You all know I'm a big fan of American meat.
Although, sometimes you got to cut off some of the gristle.
(roars) Take that, centers of art and commerce! And this country has something extra that makes our meat the juiciest, most melt-in-your-mouth, stay-in-your-heart meat in the world.
That's right, I'm talking about the gravy of freedom.
When March Madness spills into April, that's the gravy.
When someone messes with you, and you invade the country that did it plus another one, that's the gravy.
When you stick your flag in the moon and say "Now we're done trying," that's the gravy! So get on the boat.
The gravy boat! Good night and good gravy.
Great show, people.
Great show.
Um.
not a big deal, but next time, can we use real gravy instead of brown paint? Not a big deal.
So, what's this with the gravy boat? Just an innocuous little symbol, like a smiley face or like an I.
O.
U.
You know, symbols can often rile people up.
The swastika, the New York Yankees logo.
(laughs): Oh.
Don't worry, sweetie.
I think I know how to whip up an audience just short of a frenzy.
(clamoring) Why did I make this a loss leader? The gravy boat movement is spreading across the nation like a rumor about some kid and someone's mom hooking up at a high school.
With the presidential primaries coming up and an entrenched incumbent in office, Republican leaders have no choice but to court this movement's inglorious baster, Homer Simpson.
Marge, I'm going to meet with the Republican establishment and pick their nominee.
If there's sandwiches there, you want me to bring some back? Speaking for Lisa and me, we're not really Then what percent above 100 are you behind me? Um, none.
Only 100%?! (groans) Homie, I love you, and I'm glad we're finally using our wedding china, but when you're helping to pick the next leader of the free world Dad, you shouldn't do this.
It's not fair how much influence you have.
Now, Lisa, I'm an entertainer.
And you can't entertain and inform at the same time.
And if you're Access Hollywood, you do neither.
(chuckles) (thunder rumbles) Hmm.
Hmm.
Now, they're all excellent choices, so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer and we'll elect him.
I don't know.
Can't we get Chris Christie to run? I don't think so.
(choking) Save me, ObamaCare! Yeah, maybe I'll vote Democrat.
The great thing is, when they get in, they act like Republicans.
MAN: No one's voting Democrat while I can still draw a bow.
(gasps) (gasps) Ted Nugent.
I made love on my honeymoon to your sweet music.
You're my man! You're endorsing Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rock star who likes everything I hate! Could there be anyone awesomer? Who's hungry for elk? (screams) Hmm.
My daughter's a vegetarian.
That's all right, she can munch on an antler.
Antlers ain't meat.
I thought I smelled death-a-diddly.
What is that, an eight-pointer? From the looks of that moustache, I'm guessing you're a tenured professor at the People's Republic of Berkeley.
Hey, the only left-wing thing about me is the way I write.
(grunts) Oh, that's just fine, as long as you're not a Mormon.
Dad, you cannot endorse Ted Nugent.
I mean, sure, we all love his music Oh, yeah.
No question about it.
I love that guy.
We listen to it.
But he's out of his mind! He can't run for president! I bagged me a fat little badger.
Please, kind sir, have pity.
All I hear is "chitter-chitter.
" (snoring) (snoring) MAN: Arise, Homer Simpson! Huh? Who's there? (screams) Mozart! I am James Madison, sir.
(screams) Fourth president of these United States.
Ooh.
Now, come, and I shall teach you of democracy.
Can we get some pizza on the way? Everything's closed.
They sell some at the gas station.
I don't want gas station pizza.
(whinnies) So, how come your picture's not on money? Actually, I'm on the $5,000 bill.
Do you give them out for fans? 'Cause I'm a fan.
I want to show you something.
What's this? Some kind of bicentennial lemon party? These are the framers of the Constitution, Homer.
This great nation is built upon the hard work of, well, as you would say, nerds.
Nerds! You want I should mess them up? I want you should not mess! You are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders who forged this mighty nation.
But gravy is the freedom where Silence! Founding Fathers, to me! (grunting) (gasps) "Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes"?! "No new states shall be formed "or erected within the jurisdiction of any other state"?! No, no, John Hancock.
I don't need insurance.
Sam Adams, I'm sorry I made fun of your winter ale.
Homie, wake up.
(gasps) It was all a dream.
Oh, Marge, Oscar Madison came to me and told me that politics are serious and important! (yawns) Lisa, you were right! I'm not going to endorse anybody for anything.
(kids screaming) (muffled grunting) Oh, Dad! I'm so glad you've heard the voice of reason.
Yes, the will of the people should not be subverted by demagogues who-- hey, what's this? "Springfield Colonial Village"? What the? You faked it! Lisa, how could you? It wasn't just her, Homie.
It was all of us.
I did it just to mess with your mind.
That's what a play within a play is for! (choking) No strangling on school days! Well, if there's one thing I don't like being taught, it's a lesson! I'm so mad.
Not only will I endorse Ted Nugent, but I will call for an end to the direct election of senators! Dad, no! Really? That made sense? Then I'm definitely doing it.
Folks, because I love democracy so much, I command you to vote for this man whom I alone have selected as your next president.
Now to baptize his candidacy with my tears.
The words "strutting stadium rocker" are overused these days, but when I first met Ted Nugent (gasps) Uh, huh? My emotions were so powerful.
Come on, hurry up and cry so I can get elected and open up the San Diego Zoo for big game hunting.
(grunting) It's not working.
But why? Maybe because, deep down, you know you don't believe in what you're doing.
Oh, my God, she's right.
My lips will say anything, but my eyes know the truth! My ears are keeping their mouth shut.
My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.
I knew you were, Dad.
(sobbing) I always knew! (sobbing) Well, for one brief, glorious moment, I was almost president, sort of, not really.
Now, let me just play a sweet song that I'll never hear.
Hail to me I'm the presidential gonzo Hunt with a bow 'cause it's silent like the night Eat mooses raw so their souls go into my soul I'll move the White House to Kalamazoo.
TED: There is a new national anthem that is sweeping the land And it was written by me And it popped into my head while I was washing my dog Suck on that, Francis Scott Key Oh, I got a good song fever Ted Nugent fever HOMER: Something, something fever TED: Sing it, Homer! HOMER: I got this song fever TED/HOMER: We got America fever We got America fever TED: U.
S.
of A! HOMER: U.
S.
of A.
HOMER: Great song, Ted! When's our next gig? Are we going to New York or? Shh! HOMER: Oh
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The D'oh-cial Network
The Simpsons s23e11 Episode Script
The D'oh-cial Network
(Ned whimpering) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) D'oh! So what are we doing here? What, is it the thing where the family runs in and sits down? That's it? We flew you in and put you up for that? I, I think we're done here.
Paul.
(playing The Simpsons theme song) (song ends) Lisa Simpson, your actions have brought devastation upon this town, and all because of your selfish desire to be accepted by others.
(gallery murmuring hostilely) Leave her alone.
That's my only talking daughter.
Lethal inject her on the electric chair.
Bart, it's okay to say that at home but not in court.
Take it back.
Withdrawn.
Now, Lisa, tell your side of the story, and use your big voice.
Well, it all started a couple of months ago.
Your Honor, I'd like to request that everyone in the court picture in their minds what the witness is describing.
I'll allow it, but no flights of fancy.
Well, McBain, you certainly picked a bad time to come out of retirement.
I hope you have a COBRA plan.
(hisses) You are suffering from a reptile dysfunction.
HOMER (groaning): Down in front.
Damn it, why do kids have heads? Homie, stop watching the movie in the other people's car.
Oh, but I'm invested in the characters.
You'll miss the turnoff to the fancy new mall.
I make my own turnoffs.
(tires screeching) And that, kids, is how you stick it to the Towne Centre Real Estate Investment Trust.
No, no, no.
Whoo-hoo! (tires screech) Someone thinks we're leaving.
I'll wave them off.
No, no, no, no, let's see how long we can keep 'em waiting.
Everyone act like we're buckling up to go home.
(laughs) Homie.
Marge, if you were married to Da Vinci, you wouldn't tell him not to Da Vinch.
(groans) Damn it, are you leaving or not?! Leaving? Why on earth would you think that? (roars) (all laughing) We totally wasted his time.
And ours.
(laughs) This place is so great.
When the trolley hits you, it doesn't even hurt.
(bell ringing, Homer giggling) You try it, Maggie.
(bell ringing, Maggie giggling) Ooh, condos.
Lenny, do you live here? Yeah, I just moved in.
I have a Drippin' Dots for breakfast every morning; at lunch, I get a massage in front of strangers; and then I spend the afternoon browsing cell phone skins.
Ever get tired of those dancing waters? (Strauss' "The Blue Danube" playing) The day I moved in.
So what are we all going to do together? Actually, we just came to do some shopping as a family.
Oh, no worries.
Mr.
Mall can make his own excitement.
Give me one doll from every time period, and set me up for a tea party in a private room.
Lenny, you asked me to stop you from coming back in here.
Let me help you.
You can help me by giving me Ellis Island Emily.
Hi, dear, I'm your Uncle Lenny.
I'm going to buy you an all-new wardrobe, fix your teeth, send you to the best schools, and you're going to hate and resent me for it 'cause you're an American now.
I was hanging on to these gift cards as investments, but then half the companies went out of business.
Better sort those out.
(applause) CROWD: Aw (loud applause) CROWD: Aw (grunts nervously) D'oh! Do-over.
Hmm.
Whoo-hoo! Unspool it into my mouth till that card is at zero.
Draw the curtain.
(Bart humming) Sir, as a complexion scientist, I must advise you against using any more.
This is the most powerful hydrator we sell.
Less blathering, more slathering.
(grunts happily) (laughs) (laughing) Hey! Watch it! Yo, Bart dude.
Can I get a ride to the food court? Hop on.
(laughing): Ho-ho! (grunts) Hmm.
I kind of want to create my own thing.
Do you sell any just plain sets? No.
We do all the imagining for you.
(sighs) Well, I'll just buy one of these and build something different.
You do and you'd better build yourself a lawyer.
LAWYER: Miss Simpson, does the court really need to hear everything that happened in every store your family visited? Trust me, I've left a lot out and cleaned up the swears.
Anyway, I ran into some schoolmates and thought they might be friendly.
That's what kids do, right, hang out at the mall together? But when I went over Hi, guys, what are you doing? Duh, having feathers woven into our hair.
LISA'S BRAIN: Those girls are snotty and shallow.
Tell them off.
Can I join you? (Lisa's brain groans) Lisa, how can we put this? You're the reason no one wears Silly Bandz anymore.
Wha? They, they don't? (gasps) (grunts) What the? (sighs sadly) (moans) Enough.
I don't trust this place.
Where are the cashiers? Huh? Oh.
Huh? Oh.
Yeah, the lightest, most desirable computer in the world for the next three weeks: the Mapple Void.
I'll take it, provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.
I already have.
Sweet.
This computer is so great.
I'm watching the latest Sofia Coppola movie at 20x speed to make it seem like a normal movie.
I think it just froze.
Oh, no, no, that bird just moved.
Uh-oh, a draggy backpack.
I have no friends.
Aw, sweetie, hey, why don't you make friends with my new computer? - Okay.
- Let me just finish downloading the complete works of Shakespeare.
(humming) (sneaky chuckle) Now who's the greatest writer of all time? I'd have more friends if I knew what people liked, but I won't know what people like unless I'm their friend.
It's a conundrum.
Helpful hint: If you want friends, don't use words like "conundrum.
" (phone rings) JIMBO: Co-what-drum? Jimbo heard me say it.
I'm dead.
Hmm.
It's easier to be friends with lots of people online than one person in person.
What if I started an online meeting place where all are equal and I am the undisputed center? (both grunting) How's this for a conundrum? It's not really a conundrum.
Sit at my feet and I will elaborate.
So, to summarize, Your Honor, Lisa Simpson created this "social network" because she had no friends.
No, that is not true.
I May I remind you you're under oath? All right already.
I had no friends.
With a attitude like that, I wouldn't be her friend.
Life is too dang short.
So, since I had no friends, I assembled a motley crew of the friendless to help me construct my social network.
Did we become friends? No.
(overlapping chatter) As the CEO of SpringFace, I want you all to have fun as you write source code until you fall asleep at your consoles.
(all agreeing) Delightful.
Here's my favorite computer game: Angry Nerds.
(squawks) (all snorting like pigs) Nelson, is there any way I could be your friend? The only way I would be your friend is if I could click a box under your picture saying "Accept friendship request from.
" Nelson, you've just given us the template for our site.
I don't care.
(grunts) (clatter like bowling pins) (groans) If we don't move, his odds of getting us both are 374 to one.
Ooh-oo-ooh, ooh.
(grunts) Bye.
(keyboards clatter) Now, to skip ahead, your diabolical plan was an instant success.
I never said it was diabolical.
Withdrawn.
This social network quickly unified the disparate children of Springfield Unified.
Oh, I just got invited to make out with Shauna.
See? That went out to 200 guys.
(groans) And seven girls.
(brightly): Oh Santa's Little Helper's friends with Snowball Two? Now I've seen everything.
Ha, all my friends have birthdays this year.
(typing) (click) (chuckles) I just un-friended Skinner Doggone it.
I'm less popular than the hornet's nest in the gym.
You said you were getting rid of that nest.
We trade the honey for chalk and yardsticks.
Hornets make honey? Better than wasp honey, not as good as bee.
Is this how you talk on dates? I wish my dates were this interesting.
Hit refresh.
(click) Hit refresh.
(gasps) I have a thousand friends.
And only eight of them are Milhouse.
A thousand kids? If you could get each of them to send you a dollar, you'd be a millionaire.
Well, it's not just kids using SpringFace, it's moms like me, Marge.
Wait a minute, grownups are on this? Yeah, look.
We've got to thank you, kiddo.
We've gotten so much more action since we signed up and used this picture of ourselves.
(raspy chuckling) That's not you.
You can see our reflection in the sunglasses.
(chuckling) Wow, I've created something incredibly popular.
And I've created something that created something incredibly popular.
And I created an alcoholic hippo.
You never showed it to me.
A stupid alcoholic hippo.
I still want to see it.
There is no hippo.
Then why did you say it? 'Cause you're the hippo.
Are you just saying that 'cause you don't want me to see the hippo? I don't have a hippo! And so, this so-called "SpringFace" spread from the world of children to adults.
Man, this Web site makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.
I am sitting here zero sheets to the wind (sneaky chuckle) HOMER: counting the moments to closing time when I can stumble home to you.
Another round, Moe.
Uh-oh, did I type that? Delete! Delete! Hm, typing "delete" does not delete.
(puzzled groan) It is gratifying to see all of you bowing in prayer, the light of God shining on your faces.
Uh-oh, Bernice Hibbert keeps "liking" Bumblebee Man'sos.
That's how it starts.
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
Why did I make this church a Wi-Fi hotspot? (groans) If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Let's see, which Muppet am I? Beaker? Hm, I guess that's fair.
Friend, friend, awaiting reply, friend Sherri? Terri? Hopscotch? Double Dutch? Ringolivio? Anyone? Oh, I have a thousand friends, and I feel more alone than ever.
Whee! I am trying to set a mood here.
(somberly): Whee.
So, to sum up, Lisa's social network turned into the biggest Internet failure since (chuckles) Well, there've been so many.
"Ask Jeeves," anyone? (raucous laughter) (horse neighs) And so SpringFace became too big to control, just like the 60-foot baby in my self-published novel, The 60 Ft.
Baby.
Order it online now, while you can still cheat the government on sales tax.
(clears throat) As I was saying, SpringFace was used in ways I never expected.
(typing) (video game gunfire) Thanks for SpringFacing me your head cleaver, Bart.
(screaming) (magazine reloading) (gunfire) (screaming) Check this out: I'm hiding a bomb in this pile of corpses, so when Kearney loots their ammo, he gets a face full of ass shrapnel.
(explosion) Damn, I got ass-shrapped! (groans) (tires squealing) What the?! That idiot cut me off.
(camera clicks) I'm gonna run his plates, find out who he is, then change his SpringFace profile picture to a shot of a monkey.
(chuckle Get that, Marge? A monkey! Homer, watch the road.
Right.
Status update: Homer is watching the (shrieks) (tires screeching, thud) (tires squealing, crashing) (metal crunching) Dislike! Dislike! (thud) (sirens wail) (sirens wailing, tires squealing) (tires screeching, cars crashing, glass shattering) Somebody call 911! I don't know how to use the phone on my phone.
Hey, did you guys get my picture of the fire? Yeah, I did; nice grab.
I didn't get it yet.
Yeah, funny how that works.
Lisa Simpson, can you give us any reason why the city should not force you to shut down your site? I know it's awful and insular and caused 35 deaths, but I had friends.
Four digits of friends! I had a friend in common with Malcolm Gladwell.
He friends everybody.
(quietly): Fine.
I'll shut down the site.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye Time to get a life.
You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry (mimic guns firing) We don't need your crummy Web site.
We can make anything into guns.
(mimic guns shooting) JANEY: Lisa.
Lisa! Want to play Marco Polo with us? We just realized you don't have to play in a pool.
You really want me? (sarcastically): No.
We want your Dad.
Marco.
Come on, Lisa.
Polo! Fish out of water.
(laughter) When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Hey, Winklevosses.
You're gonna lose yet again.
You should see the expression on your faces.
Oh, wait, you can.
They're fat, they smoke, they started training a week ago.
Why can't we pull away? Because we can't stop concentrating on that $65 million Facebook settlement, which somehow wasn't enough for us.
Even though we were rich in the first place.
(grunts) So long, you big babies! Hope you like the taste of silver! Help us, Larry Summers! Come on, Wonder twin! Pull! NARRATOR: And now, for a Simpsons "Show's Too Short" story.
(thunderclap, bat screeching) Once there was a young rascal named Bart.
This lad was trouble from the very start.
When it came to mischief, he had a black thumb.
It didn't hurt that his daddy was dumb.
And when it came to best friends, it was Milhouse who picked him.
Sometimes the sidekick, sometimes the victim.
Then one day at school engulfed in ennui, Bart dreamed of wrapping the place in T.
P.
So off to the discount store they did skulk.
With the evil intent of buying in bulk.
They went to the school and put up a ladder.
Only to wait for Milhouse's bladder.
All that evening they unfurled with delight.
And soon the school was covered in white.
The mischievous boys had done their best.
When an eagle approached, needing a nest.
They tried to escape with struggles and squirms.
But all they got was a diet of worms.
There they remained to this very day.
So now you know, pranks do not pay.
Simpson! (The Simpsons theme performed by The Tiger Lillies) (song ends) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Moe Goes From Rags To Riches
The Simpsons s23e12 Episode Script
Moe Goes From Rags To Riches
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ('60s themed music) ('70s themed music) (thud) ('80s piano music) (all yelling) (sighs) And that's why I really don't believe there's a God.
Thank you, and God bless America.
You were only supposed to lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance.
I'm pretty sure it was in there somewhere.
Oh.
Now, let me conclude by thanking Moe the bartender for hosting this meeting while City Hall is fumigated for bedbugs.
Bedbugs? Just why is there a bed in City Hall? (crowd murmurs) Er, uh, meeting adjourned! (record scratches) All night long All night All night All night All night long All night All night All night All night long All night All night All night All night long Everyone you meet They're jamming in the street All night All night long All night Yeah, I said This is so convenient! I can go straight from doing my civic duty to having a beer with my best friend Carl.
And I can toss back a Duff Sangre de los Muertos with my best friend: Mexican Duffman.
Ho-la! Hey, Moe, who's your best friend? Uh Well, uh Well, I just made friends with Pepto-Bismol on Facebook, and, uh um Hey, would you look at that? There's a spot on the bar.
Come on! (grunting) (squeaking) You know what? I think Moe's best friend is really that bar rag.
(bar crowd laughs) That's even sadder than being friends with Milhouse! (chuckles) You know something, Bart? I'm getting tired of things like that.
Tired of what? I dump on you, and you take it.
That's how friendship works.
Not anymore.
Friendship over.
Taxi! (door slams) What gives? He's not crawling back.
Even a kid who wears a "Finding Nemo" back brace has some pride.
You went too far this time, Bart.
Hey, Moe! I got a job here for your "best friend," the bar rag.
Me, too! (laughs) (all laughing) Witty.
(growls) Great meeting, though.
Yes, that's right, everyone laugh at the rag.
But I was not always this be-stainÃ¨d swatch you see before you.
Oh, no, gentles.
We begin in early medieval France (mandolin Renaissance music) BAR RAG: A young peasant wife struggles to feed her family Maman, we are starving Listen to the grumbling of our estomacs! (human grumblings) That's not your estomacs! It's some men speaking French! (speaking French) Now, I have work to do.
Complain to your papa.
Papa? He is no help at all.
Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders! Stupid Flanders.
(trumpet fanfare blows) All tremble before the duc de Springfield! That's enough! Madame, I would like you to weave me a tapestry with the following images: Me healing the sick.
Me killing the healthy.
Me marrying my sister.
A long winter where nothing happens.
Me relaxing with friends.
You know, the standard stuff.
For this, I shall pay you two copper coins.
You have 25 years to complete it.
You may have one (bleating) Oh, these innocent creatures are blocking my path.
I could walk six paces that way or I could kill them all right now! I am heartily sorry and confess all my sins.
Absolved! Avancez! (neighs) BAR RAG: In their dying fury, those beasts began expelling demon wool.
And the restless spirits of those murdered sheep compelled Marguerite to loom ceaselessly, even as her husband went off to fight again and again and again.
(grunting) BAR RAG: As the years went by, the images she loomed were not of the Duc, but rather depictions of the adventures that cloth would experience over the centuries.
Oh, and by the way that tapestry was me.
Right, and I was the Gutenberg Bible.
Maman, we have failed to grow.
We've had too little food! Is it too little food or too much complaining? Maman, you are overstressed.
You need a vacation.
Perhaps to the South of France.
We're in the South of France! BAR RAG: One day, as rosy-fingered Dawn wiped the morning gunk from her eyes, the Duc came to claim his infernal drapes.
What an age for prosthetics we live in.
Silence! I have reached my verdict.
It's not what I expected.
(gasping) And yet it's beautiful! (sighing) But it's also not what I expected.
Burn down their house! (hoofbeat) (explosion) BAR RAG: But Le Duc was about to be called home to the worst kind of hell: medieval hell.
(neighs) (yells) Hey, let's show some French courage and beat up the corpse! Come on, Ralphie, have a try.
Oh! We're submitting that to France's Funniest Cave Paintings.
Hm-hmm, mm-hm.
Mm-hmm, hm.
BAR RAG: Even for a tapestry made of demon wool, this was hard to watch.
I was moved to a magnificent cathedral and learned that tapestries were the rock stars of the Middle Ages.
(excited screaming) I had legions of what you now call groupies.
It felt like the good times known as the Dark Ages would never end.
But then cruel fate knocked upon the door (yelling) Guys, it ain't working-- the door's too strong.
(grunting) (yelling) Go, Vikings.
Ow! Stop it! You just broke your vow of silence.
It wasn't a vow.
I just didn't want to talk to you.
Oh! This Viking stuff is too dangerous.
I'm going to become a gentleman art thief.
(yells) (laughing) Huh? Hmm, what the? (delighted chuckle) (gasps) Spooky.
Hmm hmm.
BAR RAG: That was the first time I knew anguish and fear.
Nothing will ever staunch the pain of that memory.
Oh.
Well, that helps.
(belches) (rock hits window) BART: Milhouse! Milhouse! (sighs) What do you-- (choking) Hmm? What is it, Bart? Listen, um after our fight, I couldn't sleep.
Well, I was doing fine.
Warm glass of milk, some choice cuts from The Wriggles and I was out.
Come on, man.
At least listen to what I have to say.
Okay Um well this is usually the part where you say you're sorry.
Bart, I'm not your puppet.
I know, I made you into a real boy last week.
And I'll always be grateful.
But it's time you started treating me with respect.
(rocks hitting window) (sighs) They're a tough pair, huh? (choking) If you let me in, I'll give you the Heimlich.
Hm-mm.
So to recap: I had been unjustly torn from my lofty perch.
I wound up as a barter in Persia.
You have taken our gold and jewels and given us this faded cloth?! That's right.
And if anyone asked who swindled you, it was Christians.
Remember that name: Christians.
(growling) BAR RAG: I found myself in the court of the young Persian king, a cruel king who demanded constant entertainment from his wives.
Eh.
Throw her in the pit of boring wives.
(thud) We never go out anymore.
Are you even listening to me? My sister has a much bigger pit.
Dude, you've already discarded, like, 500 wives.
I think it's weird that you're counting.
Send in the next one! Good evening, Your Majesty.
May I tell you your slippers are as curly as everyone says? (laughing nervously) Eh, pit her.
Wait, wait, wait! I can, uh, tell you a story! Cease your dragging! Uh There once was a boy named Ali Baba.
He and his elder brother Cassim were the sons of a merchant who traded in camels and spices and-- Okay, just a couple thoughts on your direction so far.
One day, while out for a walk, Ali Baba was set upon by a thief.
(yawning) Make that two thieves! (more interested yawn) A million thieves! (yawning): Too many.
(sighs) Forty thieves.
(pleasant yawning) BAR RAG: With her inventiveness and wit, the clever wife entertained her king for a thousand and one nights.
And while he slept, she freed her imprisoned compatriots.
Uh, it was cooler in the pit.
And that's how the camel got its hump.
(fake sigh) Another story! (exasperated sigh) For once, couldn't you just take a few minutes to let the previous story sink in? You dare refuse your king? Guards! Uh-oh.
BAR RAG: My downward spiral continued.
Only cowards use blindfolds.
(screams) I didn't know you were doing that! BAR RAG: I was unfit for even the most sordid uses.
How's your neck, Your Lordship? No splinters or nuffin'? I fear the axe less than that filthy rag.
You talk fancy now, but you'll twitch like the rest.
All too true, I fear.
Shut up! Your tongue is even sharper than your-- BAR RAG: But then, at my lowest ebb, a moment of hope.
I played a pivotal role in creating one of the masterpieces of Western art.
Michelangelo! When will you be finished? Hey, you want a quickie? You go to Raphael, baby.
BAR RAG: The artist was never satisfied.
How about now? Nope.
That's perfect! Now would you like to protect your investment with a clear coat? Hm, let me discuss it with my wife.
BAR RAG: The masterpiece was finished and so was the use for me.
And then (pained moaning) You know, Moe, it might be time to buy a new bar rag.
Yeah, yeah, sure thing.
I'll get right on it.
No way I would abandon you, Raggie.
(sobs) You're my best friend.
("The Great Pumpkin Waltz playing) (contented sigh) (music continues) (rat squeaks, music stops) So, I guess you didn't eat that "special cheese" that I gave you yesterday, huh? (wry chuckle) Yeah.
Oh, Milhouse, what do I have to do, besides changing in any way, to get you to forgive me? Gee, Bart, you seem, uh-- how can I put it?-- Milhousey.
Really? It's not that bad, is it? (sighs) Bart, you'll never learn.
"Milhouse, you're the closest thing I have to a brother.
"A brother with the wisdom of an older sister.
"And that's why we squabble, 'cause families always do.
"But in the end, they're still a family.
What do you say brother?" Not bad.
Did Lisa write that? Yes, I did.
Now I'm going to bed.
(sucking pacifier) I want something that comes from you, Bart.
We're done here.
But-but-but The glasses are off! My degradation continued.
BAR RAG: An enterprising seamstress turned me into the flag of a fledgling nation.
Unfortunately, a nation on the wrong side of history.
("Dixie" playing) (chuckles) BAR RAG: Like everyone else, I was hit hard by the depression.
(Southern accent): What's for dinner, Ma? Rag soup! (slurping, lips smacking) Needs flavor.
Mmm, that's better! BAR RAG: I was part of an expedition to the top of Mount Everest, one that had the distinction of failing un-heroically.
(panting): Oxygen I need oxygen! Come on, man.
A few more balloons and this'll look really awesome.
D'oh! Worst climbing Everest.
BAR RAG: A yeti found me and brought me home as a present to his son.
Ah, ah! Mmm (sighs) And now my thousand-year fall from grace is complete.
I guess I should be happy here, with my sad, but predictable Moe! Moe! Wake up! Oh no, I don't want to find out what's worse than you! BART: Milhouse! I've been out here all night, man.
Just let me know what it'll take for you to forgive me.
Can I punch you? Sure.
Can I have someone else punch you? Sure.
What've you got? Puppy Goo-Goo coming my way? (snaps) Ay carumba! I'm glad it's over.
I wasn't comfortable having the upper hand.
From now on I'll dominate you in ways you don't realize.
That's all I ever wanted.
Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Hey, Chief Wiggum! Can you help me find my bar rag? I can't even find my car in the parking lot at the mall.
There was half a kilo of heroin and two suspects inside.
Hey! Hey! (tires squealing, gunshots) Can you throw me my house key? Please! It's got a green thingy on it! Stop! (tires screech) Ooh! (grunting) Hey, there's some Pringles in here.
(metal tab pops) (coughs) Nope.
Tear gas.
(coughing) (tires squealing) Haven't forgotten about your rag, Moe! (to rhythm of dryer): I'm in hell, I'm in hell, I'm in hell, I'm in hell (grunts) (wearily): Perhaps one of you garments would like to narrate for a while.
Men's extra large underwear? I'm saving my strength.
He's going bike riding today.
(humming) (doorbell rings) Come on in! You've got my rag! But how? Well, during the town meeting, which now seems like years ago, I forgot my purse at your bar.
MARGE: And when I came back to get it, I saw how much you love that rag.
Num-num-num-num-num-num.
MARGE: It seemed a little "ripe," so I brought it home to clean it for you.
Thanks, Marge.
That rag is my only friend in the world.
Well, that's not true! Everyone in this family is your friend.
Your bar is the closest thing this town has to an Algonquin roundtable.
What about that Round Table Pizza run by that Algonquin guy? Yeah, yeah, okay, second closest.
So you's all like me? Even you, maestro? Milhouse.
Yeah, I, I knew it was something stupid.
Well, thanks, everybody.
I I'm always gonna remember today as the day that I learned to open my heart to human beings and not old pieces of cloth.
Ha, crazy me, Thinking I needed a rag for a friend.
(chuckles) So, this is how it ends.
The once magnificent tapestry tossed aside yet again like a common Kleenex.
Good-bye, cruel What the? In all my years, this is a love like I have never felt.
Sweet, pure and forever.
(sweet melody playing) (growling) BAR RAG: Well, all marriages have their ups and downs.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The Daughter Also Rises
The Simpsons s23e13 Episode Script
The Daughter Also Rises
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Happy 500th episode! (tooting) ("Auld Lang Syne" plays) (elephant trumpets) Hmm? This is episode 499.
Aw, geez.
Well, I got news for ya, Fox ain't doin' this again.
(dejected sighs) How'd you get so many more Valentines? I got one from Lisa and one from my optometrist.
That's a bill.
No, it's got a love stamp! Maybe we should just watch TV.
Aw (coughing and grunting) (both laughing) Now, son, you know Itchy and Scratchy give you night terrors.
Last night you had the night terrors.
Yeah, I dreamt I got fired from that job I dreamt I got the night before.
Oh ANNOUNCER: Welcome to MythCrackers, where we debunk rumors, legends, and all religions except the Jesus-based ones.
It's a beautiful afternoon.
are multi.
(chuckles) (theme music plays) No TV on the computer! (theme music plays) No TV on a smart phone! (horn honking) Tonight, we take on the classic myth that a cat will always land on its feet.
Now, we didn't want to hurt a real cat, so we took this Build-A-Bear carcass Stuffed it with ballistic gel, shot it with a 20 foot barrel steam cannon And made a scatter plot of the remains! Boo-yah! What was it we trying to prove again? Don't know, don't care! (vocalizing) Blow it up.
Hey, Bart, why don't we become MythCrackers? I bet those guys get so many Valentines.
That might be a good idea, but then again, you thought it up.
Eh, why not? Okay, first myth, using a cell phone at a gas station is dangerous.
(electrical crackling) (explosion) Well, at least I'm cool now! (groans) Why does the guy have to do everything for the girl on Valentine's Day? We show girls love on Valentine's Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July.
I just pray they never fall on the same day.
Homie, read this.
MARGE: "My darling husband.
"This Valentine's Day, I have a present for you.
" Thanks for reading it to me.
My pleasure.
"I want you to have a fun night doing guy stuff.
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
" (gasps) Oh, Marge, this is brilliant! Mwah! I just think we should do things every day to show our love for each other.
(yells) Hmm? It's okay, Homie.
Go.
Have a good time.
Take Bart with you.
Oh, which one do you want? You have the most wonderful mom in the world, which is why I have no idea where she is or what she's doing.
(grunts) That's right, sucker! It's Valentine's Day, and I've got a date with some fastballs! (grunts) Lucky bastard.
I mean, my darling, I was looking at myself in the side view mirror.
(nervous laughing) (Homer laughing and taunting) I hope you hit one off the handle and your hands sting! (laughing) Ow! (laughing) (both laughing) (thud, grunts) (engines accelerating) (gunshots) (both laughing) (laughing) (dings) Lisa, I love spending mother-daughter time with you.
We have so much in common.
Like, um (gasps) Oh, no! Someone's about to put the Thousand Island ladle into the vinaigrette! Hmm? Sorry, sorry.
I didn't mean to be nosey.
Don't apologize.
It was dark, then a light came through the crack.
The light was you.
Oh You have a way with words.
Words are just nails we use to build ideas.
Care to continue this discussion at the dessert table? Mom, I'm gonna look at the desserts! Don't panic.
This can be separated out.
Quick, does anyone have a centrifuge?! (sighs, mutters) All I wanted was one romantic night.
(exasperated shout) Yep, you're the crack head.
(chuckles nervously) What dessert are you gonna get? I'll toss this fork into the air and wherever it lands, that's what I'll eat.
Hiya! (gasps) As Hemingway said, "The shortest answer is doing the thing.
" Um, I should probably get back to my mom.
By the way, my name is No! When I first hear your name, I want to be somewhere important, the peak of Kilimanjaro the back of a vaporetto in Venice, the Lisa! Now this is the most important place in the world.
Now that's a spicy meet-cute! Mwah! Lisa? MOE: Hey, Midge.
Want a piece of my ziti? That cost a nickel, but, uh, we'll settle up later.
Today we tackle the most terrifying myth in the history of Springfield Elementary, that if you press E-8 on the candy machine, you get electrocuted and die.
Wow.
Did you invent a robot hand to touch the buttons? Something like that.
(Milhouse gasps) (children gasping) (motor whirring, children whimpering) (thud) Ladies and gentlemen, that myth is cracked! Candy cigarettes? I didn't know they made these.
They were discontinued because they were thought to encourage impressionable children to smoke.
How dumb do they think we are? Mm-hmm.
Mmm! I can quit any time I want! This place is great! If I cover my peripheral vision, I feel like I'm in France.
(French accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) (accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) (accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) (accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) Ew How 'bout I just look at you.
(Spanish guitar plays) El Puerco, I must break up with you.
Oh, but the hand-holding is just too good.
(grunts angrily) Your juice boxes.
(slurps) It's nice.
Perhaps we can try a little harder, for the lady.
Such is the life of the juice boxiÃ©r.
Oh.
Marge, since you're by yourself, would you like to borrow one of my twins? But remember, the one you pick may not be the one you get.
Mom, I'm sorry I'm late.
No excuse, I just forgot all about you.
I'm not sure that patch really represents who I am right now.
Well, if you'd been here for the design phase, you could've registered that objection.
Now start quilting! (melodic grunting) Now there's three of you? ALL: Or maybe you're losing your mind.
According to the wisdom of our elders if you go all the way around on the swing, your body will turn inside-out! Cool! Now my beauty will be on the outside! (Milhouse yelling) He's still inside-in, folks! And just to prove it (camera snaps) ALL: Whoa! ("Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf playing) (song ends) MARGE: "She had now come to the part that Peter Pan hated.
'I do like a mother's love,' said Tootles" Mom, I have a crush! Is it on your father? Little girls always get crushes on their fathers.
Somehow I missed that phase.
Almost there, boy.
Almost there.
Almost there.
I'm getting closer.
It's just within reach.
The boy I like is Hemingway-esque! Okay.
Let's "esque" him to dinner.
(chuckles) Wow, Nick here in our house! I hope it doesn't make him think less of me.
This house is not an embarrassment! Hm, usually when I say something like that, something extremely embarrassing happens.
I'm gonna say good night before it does.
Good night.
(door bell rings) Well, Lisa didn't tell me that she had a sister.
(chuckles) Or a daughter.
Oh, my.
I don't know if anyone's ever kissed my hand before.
Well, your arms are lanky.
It's kind of a long trip down there.
My mother said I should bring some wine.
Hmm, the French have gotten into the wine game? Ha, good luck catchin' up with the big boys.
I'll get a couple glasses.
Mrs.
Simpson, I'd like your permission to take your daughter to the Doritos Nutrition Fair at the school gym.
Well, I usually take Lisa, but I can just go with Bart.
Wait.
What? No! You're going with me! But, Lisa, after this, I don't want you to spend so much time with this boy.
If you do, it'll mean you're a separate person from me.
That'll stop her from seeing him.
Mom can't appreciate the kind of boy Nick is, because although I love Dad, he's a completely different creature.
Yeah, there's a lot of fish in the sea, but she picked out a drunken walrus.
But you and this Nick fella sound to me like the story of Pyramus and Thisbe.
Which inspired Romeo and Juliet, which inspired West Side Story, which inspired me to say "eh.
" Pyramus and Thisbe were lovers from ancient times! They lived next door but their families despised each other.
I don't like to babble on, but I sure do like Babylon.
(gurgling) The lovers had to whisper their sweet nothings through a crack in the wall.
LISA: Wait a minute! Nick and I met talking through a crack between two booths! ABE: And the power of that forbidden smooch made them love each other forever.
(grunting) (laughing) LISA: Man, that company thinks every time it adds a wisecracking parrot to a story, they own it.
Talk to the wing, Thisbe! Grampa, would you help take me on a foolish romantic mission? Let me check my schedule.
This might work.
I think I'm free.
Tuesday's open.
You got it, kiddo! Legend has it a girl named Eleanor Mackie drowned on this very spot.
Now they say if you call her name three times while looking in this mirror, you will die.
Milhouse? (sighs) Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie! (all scream) Aw, gimme a break.
The one day the lunch lady decides to wash her hands.
Okay, that was the last school myth and it's officially cracked.
So, school is just everything we see? That's sad, man.
(dejected sighs) You into cigars now? It's a Twix.
I can't be the guy who killed everybody's fun.
That's Skinner's job.
Don't blame me.
You killed the fun, fun-killer.
(yawning) (growls) Milhouse, I've just figured out a way to make school cool again.
American Girl doll day?! You might be surprised at the number of boys who have American Girl dolls.
It's not weird 'cause they're historic figures.
(groaning) (growling) (yelps) I have found one last myth to destroy, the so-called legend of Groundskeeper Were-Willie.
Prepare to be disappointed! (moans) (howling) (all screaming) Gentlemen, we just created a myth.
Now there's a myth about me I'd like you to correct-- I'm not from Edinburgh! I'm also not from Glasgow! I'm from Kirkwall in Orkney! Me father was an Uppie, and me mother was a Doonie.
It tore the family apart! (sobbing) (police siren wails) Ow! Pull over.
You're wanted for grand theft retirement home.
The TV remote is in your pocket! (on TV): Hola! Yo soy Maury Povich.
Uno de estos siete hombres es el verdadero padre de este "crack baby.
" Everyone's speaking Spanish! But, if we stop now, we'll never make it there by sunset.
Run, young lovers! I'll take care of the cops! But, Grampa Go ahead! I ain't afraid of no prison! (grunts angrily) Sir, we're gonna bring you back to your retirement home.
No! (gunfire) Chief, we heard gunfire! Relax! It's just my back! (gunshot) And my hip.
(gunshot) Spinal column! (gunshot) Thanks for the ride, Mr.
Spuckler.
Yeah, I don't normally approve of out-breeding, but you two seem nice.
We can take this boat.
I don't know, this water's a little choppy.
I thought you rowed up the Zambezi without a guide.
Right, right.
(sighs) So, Dad, what kind of stupid idea did you put in Lisa's head? She wants to steal a kiss, like Pyramus and Thisbe.
Did you say "ultimate Frisbee"?! No! Oh (annoyed whining) (grunting) Women and shoes, am I right? (grunting) Your hands are really cold.
You know, you were a lot more adventurous at the dessert table.
I sure was-- I'm allergic to chocolate! Shut up and kiss me.
Lisa, it's Hadley Richardson, Hemingway's first wife.
Trust me, you're making a big mistake.
If you don't believe me, ask Pauline Pfeiffer.
I was his second wife.
There were two more after me.
Tortured writers make horrible husbands.
At least you chose to be with him.
I was just swimmin' along, mindin' my own business.
Next thing I know, I was hanging on his wall! He used to pee in the fireplace! (sobbing) Wait, how long is this love for again? Eternity.
Oh, that's a pretty long time.
Now my lips are getting cold.
(panting) Lisa! This isn't working out.
Lisa, I'm sorry that God gave me this gift of lying to girls, for a little while.
I'll see ya.
(panting) I feel kinda silly I walked all the way out here.
You're just fine.
You always are.
Thanks.
But I couldn't do it, Mom.
I mean, the person you kiss under a mulberry tree is someone you'll love for the rest of your life.
Mwah! (grunting) Don't worry, ladies, I'm-a comin'! D'oh! (gurgling): D'oh Ooh, you know, I've heard if a fat guy stops moving, he floats.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  At Long Last Leave
The Simpsons s23e14 Episode Script
At Long Last Leave
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screech) D'oh! (grunts) Why, you little! (grunting) Good evening.
It is with great sadness I inform you that America and China have declared war, and a massive nuclear attack is expected to reach our shores within the hour.
(shrieks) (chuckles) That's the sort of hypothetical emergency today's disaster preparedness drill is designed to get us ready for.
Hmm? (sighs) All Springfielders should now move off the streets and inside their homes.
Please avoid the superstitious panic which marked the recent lunar eclipse.
(Homer chuckles) Sorry, Dad.
I was afraid the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.
You idjit! The dragon always coughs the moon back up! I know it's futile, but I must again point out there is no dragon.
Then why am I paying $800 a year in dragon insurance? Again, I maintain that money would be better spent on car insurance.
Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars.
Geez, pick up a book.
Now remember, this is only a drill.
Ah! The missiles really are coming! The so-called drill is just a way to get you into shelters without causing total chaos! Is what I would say, if this weren't a drill.
This is not a drill! Now we're supposed to stay down in our storm cellar for three hours.
So do your farting now.
Homie, what if that was the last thing you ever said? Don't worry.
My last words will be "I can outrun that lion.
" (sighs) (Homer humming) HOMER: All right, everybody in.
All right, who's the wisenheimer that's been eating the powdered food? Not me.
(coughs) Two can play at that game.
(grunts) (gagging) I can do this! I can do this! (gagging) (groans) Boy, I told you an hour ago, stop that! But Bunkerball is keeping us sane! Do we really have to sit here the whole time? I mean, if we went out now, it might be cool to see the town empty.
Yeah, I could sneak into the school and write whatever I want on the chalkboard! I could see a planetarium show without the secondhand marijuana! And I can drive drunk while I'm actually sober! (tires squealing) It's fun, but not as fun.
That's odd.
Why are all those cars parked at City Hall? BART: Ay caramba! If I didn't know better, I'd say it's a town meeting.
Not without us, it isn't.
Pull over.
Welcome to this secret meeting, made possible by the fake disaster drill.
And a special thanks for the hard work of the Mystery And Secrecy Committee.
CHALMER: We have names, you know.
Quit complaining! You only meet once a month! Yes, but the meetings last eight hours! DISCO STU: Shut up! Shut up! This is the most fun I have! And now for the reason we are here.
What's going on? Why is there a picture of us? This isn't good.
Oh, honey, why must you always assume that a huge picture of us at a secret meeting we weren't told about is a bad thing? The results are in: this town has voted unanimously to get rid of Springfield's unending nightmare: the Simpsons.
ALL: D'oh! They're here! The monsters are here! Moe, it's me, Marge.
I'm your friend.
The monster queen is coming on to me! Why would you want to banish us from Springfield? Yeah.
We're like family to you.
I'm talking to you, headphone-bus-driver guy.
I'll have you know I'm also a hair donor! Salma Hayek wore me to the Oscars! This is not about who wore whose hair where.
We are here to banish the Simpsons, although we are not pleased to be doing so.
I am! Me, too.
I feel like a kid at Christmas! I believe you know my position.
I know we're all happy.
I'm just trying to spare their feelings.
Those freaks have no feelings! Even baby never cry! MAN: She's a freak! What baby does that?! Why would an entire town go to all this fuss to get rid of one family? What have we done that's so terrible? I'm glad you asked.
The simple fact is the city is going broke cleaning up after Homer's drunken shenanigans (audience clamoring) We won! Whoo-hoo! Homer, that is not banishment-hearing behavior! Bart's pranks, which dwindle in humor as they rise in destruction (audience booing) and Liser's environmental initiatives (audience clamoring) If I may speak.
Mm-hmm.
We're not monsters.
We're just people.
People who love each other and love this town, (voice breaks): the only place we've ever called home.
Thank you.
(sobs) Marge, you are a sweet woman and you make us see your family in a more forgiving light.
Thank you.
Which is why you're the worst Simpson of all! Huh?! ALL: Yeah, yeah! Now, now, now just a second here.
Now, I know we're not perfect.
but, uh, I believe it was Sammy Hagar who said SIDESHOW MEL: Silence! D'oh! That was an "inside me" bone! (grunts) (audience clamoring) Make way for Captain Coolerhead! Now, I like a good old-fashioned witch trial as much as the next person, but I do not think we should be so quick to judge our long-time neighbors.
Not so fast, Flanders.
We knew you'd be the voice of mercy, and we're prepared to answer your concerns.
(grunts) Any other objections? I withdraw my diddily.
(sighs) (cheering) (band playing "Happy Days Are Here Again") Oh I always thought "tarred and feathered" was just a figure of speech.
Good luck patching potholes and stuffing pillows now! (clears throat) Simpson, in accordance with article six, section two of the town charter Wait! If you banish us, you shall be cursed with a thousand-year drought.
(thunder crashing) I mean, a thousand-year flood! D'oh! I mean, a thousand years of perfect weather.
Just get out.
I'm a rolling stone All alone and lost (over radio): For a life of sin I have paid the cost (music fades out) Oh, that was the last Springfield radio station.
Now we just get Shelbyville talk radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: If you see a Simpson, do not try to reason with it.
Just kill it and turn in the pelt for a free soda.
Soda, eh? Mmm.
Dad, where are we going? Do we have a plan? (sobbing) Oh, let's face it.
I'm the one that's brought this fate upon us.
And there's only one way out: I've gotta man up.
Okay, manning up manning up.
Manning oh, girling down! (sobbing): Girling down! Hey, Henrietta Hippo, I've got to drain the inchworm.
(sighs) Fine.
(Bart humming) (rifle cocks) Please, put that down.
BART: I just got started.
Not you.
Him! You best get back where you belong.
Please, sir, we've been thrown out of a place we've always called home.
We just want to live out our lives in peace.
Rejected by society, huh? Well, why didn't you say so? Welcome to the off-the-grid unincorporated settlement we proudly call "The Outlands.
" (gasping, gun cocking) We've found a new home.
When God shuts a door, he opens a window.
Oh, I wouldn't be openin' no windows.
Coyotes will take your baby.
(coyote howls) MOUNTAIN MAN (sings): (The Simpsons opening theme playing) (groans) (tires screeching) D'oh! (horses neigh, Homer grunts) (theme music ends) Eh, I'm sick of watching Fox.
Let's get some fresh air.
I got the ATVs right out back.
Should I get my helmet? Helmet? That's Springfield talk.
(starter cranking, engine stalling) Is there gas in these? Springfield talk! Well, how are we supposed to get fuel? Private plane crashes.
Ah, smell that unpolluted air! You know, I'm glad we're in exile.
Yep, I never realized how much I hated every single one of my friends and relatives.
I don't think this place is so great.
(hissing) I'm trying to make the best of things, but I'm worried Maggie is falling in with a bad crowd.
(babies chanting) I miss our home, and I want to go back.
It's not perfect here, but it is close to nature and if you have an axe to grind, WikiLeaks is right over there.
(radar pinging) How're you doin', Mr.
Assange? That's my personal information, and you have no right to know about it.
Hey, but we're neighbors.
would you like to come over for a movie sometime? Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered? Don't be ridiculous.
It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
Aw Well I've got a really big secret for you.
(loud whisper): I'm not wearing any underwear.
You know, you should really get out less.
(beeping) (beep) He's no Ned Flanders.
And I miss the Springfield sign and how every street is a dead end.
God help me, I even miss Helen Lovejoy criticizing my brownies.
(crying) Hey, baby, banned forever doesn't mean you can't go back sometimes.
Yes, it does.
Pipe down, boy! (whispers): I'm sneaking you back into Springfield.
(whistling a melody) (imitates Burns): Oh, Smithers? (exhales sharply) Homie, these disguises won't fool anyone.
Pish tosh, Smithers, and fiddle-dee-dee! (normal voice): Heh-heh, nailed it.
WIGGUM: Hold it right there.
Mr.
Burns, you might catch a cold out this late.
You want my jacket? Here, let me warm my gun up for you.
(like Burns): Excellent! Yeah, it wouldn't be you if you didn't say "excellent.
" (loud gulping) (slurring): You know what's great about you, Marge? After all these years, you can still shinny up the donut and then pull me up after you.
Look! A shooting star! (loud boom) (sighs): Ah You ever wonder if there are donut shops on other planets? On a night like tonight, I have to believe there are.
(grumbles) (grunts) Strike! Whoo-hoo! Want to make out over the foul line? Ever since the day we met.
The old homestead.
Remember when we moved in (like Walter Matthau): and I talked like this? (giggles) Ooh, ooh Mmm, mmm, mmm (giggling) (chuckles) Eh, there's no sex like fugitive sex.
Home sweet squat.
Yeah.
This place is awesome, but it's not puppy-safe.
And my little guy's coming home tomorrow.
(drill whirring in distance) (trembling): Someone's downstairs! Shh.
I think I heard a pair of underpants being picked up off the ground.
Big ones.
(all gasp) It's them! Bart's mom and the fat guy! Let's turn them in! WIGGUM (over bullhorn): Not so fast.
This case was already cracked by the last person you'd expect: the Chief of Police! You really thought you could fool me with that Burns and Smithers getup.
I mean, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the pencil thing, but I'm least as smart as a cat.
Right, Lou? Uh, what breed, Chief? I mean, I saw an Abyssinian once who could change channels.
Eh, that is pretty smart.
All right, you caught us.
What are you gonna do about it, throw us out of town again? Crucify them! And screw the boulder in tight! Make them write monologue jokes! Cancel their subscription to the opera! We hate opera! Then get them a subscription to the opera! No! I say shoot 'em! Now, hold on just a minute.
Nobody said anything about shooting.
I did, just now.
That's right, you did.
Well, all right.
(hammers cock) Okay.
Don't even bother shooting us.
We've found a new place that we love, a place that may not have indoor plumbing, but it's got something we treasure more.
Yeah! Non-jerks! (all gasp) Maybe he's right-- we are jerks.
You want I should spray some of my Jerk Off on you? Uh it's okay.
In our new community, people accept others for who they are.
I thought I wanted to come back to my house, but instead, I'm going to go back to my home.
Well, bah to them! Let's go, Smithers.
(chuckles) Getting a little clingy, aren't we? (chattering) Oh, all right.
That's all it took? I just had to ask? (humming a melody) Well, I've tightened the bolt.
I think we're good.
You sure this is a good idea? This is the outlands, boy.
Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free.
Power on! (loud whooshing) I was wrong-- there are bad ideas! There are terrible ideas! (Homer screaming) (whooshing) HOMER: Now I'm over here! (mewing) (gasps) I'm on it.
(blows landing) Ow! (grunts) Lenny Lenford.
You're a long way from your bar stool.
I'm I'm here as a friend, looking for a better way of life.
(whooshing) (whooshing stops) (grunting) Mm.
Hey, Lenny.
Welcome aboard.
Whew! Now, I got to warn you, if you find a little black thing on your pillow, it won't be a mint.
I don't mind-- I want a fresh start, and so does Carl.
Get her off! Get her off! (laughs) Let her slice off the tip of your ear, and she'll go right to sleep.
No.
That's not a choice you get to make.
Ooh, this is pretty tasty.
Yup.
And I like how it's dissolving a hole in the cup.
(sizzling) Hey, guys! What can I getcha? Forget it! We don't need some big-city bartender charging us an arm and a leg for something we can do ourselves.
Sure, sure, I understand.
But if you change your minds, I'll be here in this cave.
(humming) I got a funny feeling our paradise is about to get ruined by unwanted guests.
I probably shouldn't have given this place five stars on Yelp.
Well, I rented that plane.
(grunts) Oh, that tears it.
I am not comfortable being this close to medical care.
Out of here.
What are you doing here? I, uh, heard everything was going great in your new Eden, with one flaw: you lack a corrupt city government.
True, true.
And a school system that teaches to the tests, sneaks the kids the answers and still fails.
Stop! Stop! This is everything we put behind us.
You can't leave civilization, Marge! Humanity is an inexorable upward march! Or was till the year 2000.
Well, I did miss a few things about the grid like everything! (all grunting) Maureen Dowd, we've got a lot of catching up to do.
I'm sure someone will come back and tell me where they went.
(wind whistling softly) If I go inside, they might not find me.
We'll meet again Don't know where Don't know when But I know We'll meet again Some sunny day (helicopter blades whirring) Aw, come on, man, we wouldn't leave you behind.
Bless you, boy! Ow! Accident.
Here comes another one.
(loud thump) Ow! (thump) Ow! It's nice to be wanted.
MOUNTAIN MAN: The Outlands.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart
The Simpsons s23e15 Episode Script
Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart
(goose honking) the simpsons D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (crows cawing) Dad? Dad? (snoring) (beeping) (tab popping) Yes! Awake! Let's do this! Dad, I wanted to give you a heads-up.
Mom's birthday is tomorrow.
It's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.
You know, sweetie, there was a time when I would've killed for that information, but I'm pleased to announce I've already bought your mother a present.
(gasping) And brace yourself, I put some thought into it.
(bigger gasp) It's a state-of-the-art food mash-'em-upper.
Wha? Mom is gonna love that! (chuckles) Love?! Your mom's gonna feel so good, it'll make mere love seem like chewing tinfoil.
Because today, I'm getting it autographed.
By who? Lenny? By the box lady herself! Whoa-whoa-whoa! Yeah-ohaa! Man, oh, man, look at this place.
Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise: "island something.
" It's like going to Hawaii without the murderous locals.
They have jellies made of fruits I've never heard of! These'll go great with betel nut butter.
Wow, I don't believe the Simpsons Apu! What are you doing out of your natural habitat? I am finding out who my real customers are, and who is going to cheat on my store with some South Sea sugar shack! But at the Kwik-E-Mart, the only fresh fruit is the one banana by the register.
You keep your ice cream right beside the motor oil! You sell cigarettes to kids.
Now see here, I have always considered you cash-giving cows to be my friends.
And friends do not betray friends.
Friends are the only people you can betray! And you'd do it in a second for a supermarket that gives free coffee samples! (grunts) Defend yourself, sir! (grunting, whimpering) (yelling) Convenience forever, freshness never! (grunting) Uh-huh.
Would you sign this for my wife Marge? She's a big fan and her birthday is tomorrow.
Uh-hm, you know, while I was signing this for your wife, I just cooked up (gasps) a great idea! Oh How would you like it if I called your wife live from my show tomorrow to wish her a happy birthday? You would do that?! Oh, my God, this might be a Marge's birthday where I get sex! Ooh! An apron with a sonnet! Open mine! Quick, before it suffocates! A bunny! Just like the one I had when I was a girl! How did you know? I saw this picture at Grandma's house, then I hit the pet stores till I found one that looked just like it.
Oh, Bart, you got me the fluffy pet I've never stopped thinking about.
Now, last but not least, your present, Homie.
Oh! (chuckles) Wait one second, Marge.
Before you open it, you're gonna get a phone call that will make this your most awesome birthday ever.
Well, we're still focused on me instead of watching golf, so that's pretty good.
The only golf we'll watch is ladies' golf, and we're not watching that.
Now in three two one I repeat.
One Ooooooone (moaning) (coughs) ne.
(raspy): Oonnneee Please don't say one again.
(whispers weakly): Onnneee.
Homie, whatever it is, it's not happening.
(grunts) This yolk-separating camera-hog was supposed to call you and say happy birthday! From her show! Well, at least you remembered I like her.
A pity kiss?! That tears it! I'm gonna call that Paula Paul and give her a piece of my mind! Huh? The phone's dead.
Normal, normal, normal, normal, nor Uncharacteristic?! Hm? A chew-through.
What could have Aw I mean, (growls) Aw, he's trying to eat "ewectwicity.
" You let this monster into our home, where he chewed through our one and only phone cord! Wait! Maybe Paula Paul left a message.
PAULA: Hi, Marge! Paula Paul here, calling live from What's On Paula's Windowsill?, ready to wish you a happy birthday, but since you're not home yet, we'll go to commercial and call you right back.
(beep) Hi, Paula Paul, calling back for Marge Simpson! Kind of a big moment for you, a little surprised you're not picking up! (beep) Marge, this is just plain disrespectful.
I bumped a segment to do this and you're making me look like an ass! (beep) Screw you, Marge Simpson! Don't read my books and don't make my recipes! May my curse follow you beyond the grave! Check it out! It's on TV! They're booing you, Marge! An audience full of church groups and Marines! Marge, go to hell, Marge! I think that's enough birthday fun.
Why you little I'm gonna get (grunts) No, Homer.
You can't strangle a boy on his mother's birthday.
Juries hate that.
So instead, boy, I want you to (grunts) Get in that rabbit cage! No way, man.
I'm a free-range kid.
No backtalk! In the cage! Now! Get in there.
(sucking) Son, do you have a minute? I've been thinking.
I really shouldn't have put you in there and left you there while we were having pizza without you.
So I'm gonna let you out with my apologies.
Don't wanna come out.
(high-pitched grumbling) What!? I like it in the cage.
These cedar shavings are a hell of a lot better than my lumpy mattress.
Boy, get out of that cage! But it's my home now, sir.
(grunts) I'll poke a broom in there! You know I'm capable of it! (both grunting) Hey! Get out of there, you little brat.
(grunting) Aah! Fine.
(muttering) Stupid kid.
Hmm.
This isn't comfortable at all.
I don't see how a rabbit could possibly (snores) There.
Finished.
Awesome revenge, cutting your dad's face out of a piece of cardboard.
No, you dweeb.
It's a stencil.
I'm going to take Homer's ugly face and spread it all over town.
Can I come? Every vandalism spree needs an obnoxious laugher.
(obnoxious laughing) You're in.
("The Sorcerer's Apprentice" playing) Hey, you punks! What are you doing?! (both laughing) If you wake up my pigeons, they're gonna do their business again.
And these days, there's no newspapers so I have to put down Amazon Kindles.
I'm like It's, it's bankrupting me.
(humming The Simpsons theme) Dri-ving-to-work What the huh?! HOMER: Wait a minute that guy on the poster looks familiar.
Don't just stare back at me, come up with a theory! Geez, it's all over the place.
Holy moley! Quiet night.
Nothin' but the sound of a spray can and kids laughing, heh.
Tag, we're it! Springfield has been hit hard by a mysterious graffiti artist and his iconic calling-card, which we have dubbed "Mr.
Fatso.
" Heard about this thing, boy? No, no.
I'm too concerned with unemployment.
Hm, sounds like a lie, but what could he be covering up? Homie, have you seen our stencil budget for this month? Not now, Marge.
Chief, any leads on this "Vandal Van Gogh"? I don't traffic in wordplay, Kent.
But I do have a message for Mr.
Prank Lloyd Wright.
Uh, that's architecture, not painting, Chief.
They're all artists, Lou.
Why don't you open your eyes.
Now, as for Mr.
Prank Gehry, you may have thumbed your nose at the police, and made yourself into a combination of Robin Hood, Luke Skywalker and, well, every rapper ever, but unless you prove that this wasn't just a one-time spree, and take your controversial art form to the next level, I am not impressed.
Hmm (screams) Boy, you like this necklace I just bought? Pretty dope, don't you think? (sighs) So, how do you like working at Swapper Jack's? Hey, after biting off a man's nose in a prison race war, selling pre-cooked Pad Thai to soccer moms is pretty darn sweet.
Here, I'm not Jailbird, I'm just "Bird.
" (gun cocks) This is a stick-them-up! Because I have a gun, you must stick them up now! Yes, it is loaded, with bullets that you put in my chest.
Now empty the cash drawer! Come on! All right, chill, bro.
Just chill out.
I will chill you, right between your damned eyes! For once, the Indian has been outsourced! Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Just give me the piece.
No You've got a family, dude.
No Or were you lying when you begged for your life? Oh, sweet Vishnu the Destroyer, what have I done? Dude, it's okay.
The jails, they don't have room for us now.
Wiggum just makes you do book reports for Ralph.
But you have to make 'em so it looks like he's done it.
That's that's kinda the hard part.
Where's this 2006 Beaujolais that's puttin' me out of business? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's a white wine? And wha-- and a Swiss cheese? And a peanut butter? And a potato chip? And toilet paper? Wha-what?! Yo, mysterious pranksters, it's time for dinner.
Damn it, she knows! Okay, how do we buy your silence? Just throw in a couple of "fur is murders.
" How is fur, murder? They're just animals.
Dad! Fine.
Fur's murder.
Everything's murder.
Tonight The streets are ours Tonight The streets are ours These lights And our street are ours Tonight Bart, you've really grown as an artist.
Thanks, Milhouse.
We make a great team.
Hold it right there! The jerk in the glasses did everything! Whoa! Waah! Need inhaler (gasps) (coughs) Oh, God, man! Here, drink this paint thinner.
So, you're the two punks who've been tagging the town.
Congratulations.
BOTH: Huh? We're street artists.
Take that, Ronald Reagan! Even in death, you're not that safe from me.
Is that graffiti or are you opening up a Mommy and Me? That's it.
You just got yourself a place on the wall, kid.
Nooo! I've been satirized! Who are you guys? Kenny Scharf, Robbie Conal.
I'm Shepard Fairey.
(chuckles) What was that name again? Shepard Fairey.
NELSON (distant): Haw-haw! (laughing) I'm the guy who created the Obama "Hope" poster, and the "Obey" stickers.
Man, you're the talkiest bullies I ever met.
We're not bullies, we're artists.
And so are you.
Urban vandalism is now the hottest art form there is.
Hey, I got an F in art.
Mainly so it would say "fart" on my report card.
Bart, we would love to set up a gallery show for your street art.
Well, if it's in a gallery, how is it street art? Bart, street art is not about questioning authority.
Well, I'll have to discuss it with my partner.
Bart, say yes! At the opening, I could wear a sports jacket with a t-shirt and jeans! First, I'm not sure you have the shoulders for it, and second, maybe we've pushed this far enough.
(laughing) I put you in a rabbit cage! I poked your flab back in, square by square.
(growls) Count me in.
(siren wailing) (tires screeching) Apu! It is a miracle! What now? Swapper Jack is reuniting Led Zeppelin in aisle six? Swapper Jack's is closing! No.
Do not give me false hope like the time they said it was only sextuplets.
It is true! Every successful corporation harbors a terrible secret.
Theirs is that what they sell as chicken is actually monkey.
But the drumsticks Stunted monkey tails.
And their chicken pot pie? Monkey pot pie! But how 'bout their rotisserie chi-- Monkey, monkey, monkey! They scoop them up off the streets of Brazil! So, we have won.
Finally I am lucky at something.
You were lucky at love.
Yeah, sure, baby.
Hey, Bart, check this out.
Look at me, I'm Mr.
Fatso! (laughing) It's funny 'cause it's so preposterous.
(nervous laughing) Yeah.
(chuckles) We've hit the big time! "I, Carumba"?! Not so loud.
If my Dad hears about the show, he might realize Mr.
Fatso is him.
What the? You idiot.
Mr.
Fatso is you! What? No.
It can't be.
That's right, numbskull.
Your son's made a fool of you in front of the whole town.
Shut up! I'll fix you! (gulping) Well, I'll fix you.
Go drive a car! Yes, master.
Here, car! Here, boy! Excellent installation, dude.
And a great excuse for me to bust out my courtroom jacket.
Thanks, guys.
I, um Ooh, this collar's feeling pretty tight.
(grunts) Help! Help! (posters growling) Oh, this is just a dream.
All I have to do is wake up.
Why, you little (choking) Pay for your genius! Oh, what's the use? When a man isn't a hero to his son, he's nothing.
I like what used to make a neighborhood look dangerous now makes it look sophisticated.
I like how the painting makes more than I do.
Looks like Dad's not coming.
He won't leave the car.
I can see how this show might not be to his liking.
Come on, Dad.
You made me mad, so I got back at you.
How was I to know parents had feelings? Well, we do.
I want to show you I understand how you feel.
And they say a picture's worth a 1,000 words.
You just ruined my car.
Correction, it's worth ten times as much.
$500! Whoo-hoo! Thanks, boy.
You're welcome.
And from now on, Dad, if anyone laughs at you, they've gotta go through me.
Really? Anyone? What about the Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Would you stop him from laughing? Wait, is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros? Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why.
He's just trying to fit in.
Dad, it's getting cold out here.
(clinking glass) Art lovers and Bart lovers! First of all, I'd like to thank the good folks at Springfield Arts Daily for setting this up.
Thank you for bringing us a fresh new voice.
(chuckles) Yes.
.
Yes yes.
As a graffiti artist, there are so many people to thank people who build walls nighttime, for being dark Hold it right there, Spray-candy Warhol! (gun cocks) Bart Simpson, you're under arrest for tagging the town.
This overdue art-quake that taught us all a new way of seeing, was actually a police department sting.
It was? Yeah.
Do you think people would be stupid enough to pay for something some amateur put on a wall for nothing? Oh, no, indeed! Now if I can just get my $3,000,000 back.
No refunds.
But he just said the show was a sham.
Oh, it is.
And I'm just a guy sitting at a table.
The only thing that's real, is the sign that says "no refunds.
" Ooh Wait, Chief.
I must know who tipped you off? Eh, probably shouldn't tell you this, but, uh, it was our undercover officer, Shepard Fairey.
You're an undercover cop? Hey, don't be so surprised.
I spent 20 years putting up posters that said "obey.
" What gives, Daddy-O? I thought you were the dean of the underground scene.
I'm not in the business of helping out posers any more.
Now, I just sell stuff to them.
Wait, wait, wait! He's just a boy.
Do you have to put him in jail? Well, we've gotta teach him a lesson somehow.
Hmm Chief, I believe I have the answer in the back of my car.
Hm! There you go.
Thanks for coming out.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Uh, knock yourself out.
All right, time's up! Aw, aw, aw, no! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  How I Wet Your Mother
The Simpsons s23e16 Episode Script
How I Wet Your Mother
(barks, whimpers) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (beep) (whirring) (door creaks) (buzzing) (zapping) Item being procured: one standard-sized paper clip.
Hmm.
Did you guys see that stupid foul call in the game last night? See it? We followed the ref home and beat the crap out of him.
Yeah, I ill think that might've been a kid who worked at Foot Locker.
Hey, the supply room's open.
I better close it.
Unguarded stuff! (grunts, chuckles) Attention, lovers of free office supplies! Come and steal things you can easily afford! (sizzling) (loud scraping, rattling) (horn honking, tires screech) (stapling) (chuckles) Can someone open this bottle of mother wolf placenta for me? (gasps) Mr.
Burns! Save me, panic! Huh? MAN: Oh! Whoo-hoo! (rapid clicking) (gasps) My rubberized bands! My binder clips! (shudders) My accordion Post-its! Oh, Lenny, why would you steal my bear? I just wanted something to cuddle at night.
That's my cuddle bear! I loved him, I shot him-- he's mine! (crow caws) It has come to my attention that you lunch-bagging wage lizards are robbing me blind.
If you paid us better, we wouldn't have to steal! You don't even work here! Wha?! You mean I've been calling in sick for nothing? I might not be here tomorrow, that's for sure.
Only one of you monkeys wasn't caught with his sticky paw in my tin cup.
Homer Simpson.
(chuckles) How you doing there? Wow, he threw us under the bus, and now he's sitting in the bus driver's lap.
Now, Simpson, how is it that you alone managed to keep your moral compass pointed to true north? Well, sir, before I do anything, I stop and ask myself: "What would Jesus and Mr.
Burns do?" You are garbage made flesh! This is a mockery! Hush! Now, while Simpson gets the day off, the rest of you will write "Homer Simpson: Moral Lodestar.
" Question: Can we have fun with it? No, you may not.
(grumbling) (birds chirping) (chuckles) You know, boy, my dad used to take me fishing just like this.
(text chimes sounding) (chuckles) More angry texts from work.
(whistles) That's a lot of eights.
I can't believe you got all your friends in trouble and you got the day off! Hey, it's called karma.
Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you? (chuckles) A common misconception.
Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talking to you, karma! Ha-ha-ha! Karma's a bitch, karma! (yawns) Ah, nothing better than a lazy Saturday morning lying in a warm, moist bed, because weekends are Moist?! I wet the bed! The one embarrassing thing I've never done! (whimpering): I (muttering) Marge, from time to time I've heard you speak of a "washing machine.
" Where would I find this marvelous contraption? Why? Are you going to do the laundry? Not just the laundry.
That would be weird, and you might ask questions.
I'm gonna do all the chores.
HOMES BRAIN: What the hell are you doing! Don't yell at me, brain.
This happened on your watch.
You have two jobs-- thinking and bladder control! I'm doing the best with what I got.
All you feed me is reality shows! I like to watch Lamar Odom play Xbox while his giant wife yells at him.
Is that so nuts?! Huh?! Yeah, shut you up.
(birds chirping) Now, I'm sure yesterday's incident of urination domination was a one-time deal.
But just to make sure (shrieks) Oh, why can't I cork my wang-wine? Homer you do not yet understand the meaning of karma.
But isn't karma just an expression of the dharma? (stammering) That is beside the point, okay? If something bad is happening to you, it must be because of something you did to others.
(gasps) Deep down, I must be feeling guilty about getting my friends in trouble! And my problem won't stop till I make things right with them! But first, a little more sleep, hm? (grunting) (snoring) This is the best "I'm sorry" party Homer's ever thrown.
Who the hell are you? I'm sorry.
Cheese on that? Sorry.
Hey, Lenny.
Sorry.
One more announcement.
Make sure you whack "piÃ±ata me" and not "real me.
" (grunting) A lot of work went into this thing.
(grunting) Die! Die! Die! So, I got to know, do you guys forgive me? OTHERS: Oh, yeah! Ain't no problem that free food and free booze won't fix.
Free?! Uh Oh Free it is! (cheering, whooping) Thanks, guys.
(chuckles) Tomorrow morning my sheets will be as dry as the surface of Mars, except for the poles.
(birds chirping) (gasps) What the? Wet? Again? Oh, I did the right thing for nothing! There's only one solution left.
(grunting) Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
MAN (over loudspeakers): Homer Simpson! You forgot your receipt for your adult bedwetting product! Homer Simpson! Are you there?! (light scraping) Mm-hmm, okay.
Place detection pad here.
Connect alarm hook-up here.
Now, that's what I call looking out for number one.
(chuckles) (Homer snoring) (alarm blaring) (gasps) What's going on? Uh, uh, that was just the fire alarm.
Try to go back to sleep.
(grunting) Shut up! (alarm stops) Oh (gasps) (laughs): Whoa-hoa-hoa! What's going on? Is this a joke? Son, I'm afraid the Uralarm Whiz-no-more 9000 is no joke.
What is going on? (groans) Kids, there's something I have to tell you.
Your mother and I are wetting the bed.
"We're" wetting the bed? Hey, when you were pregnant, everything was "we.
" (grumbles) (smooching, moaning) HOMER: I'm so turned on.
(both moaning) (grumbles) What? I'm sorry, Homie.
A diaper just isn't sexy.
What about Cupid? He's smokin' hot.
He's a baby with wings.
Marge, it's not the diaper, it's what's inside.
(chuckles) (singing striptease music) (continues singing striptease music) That's just not doing it for me.
Oh (Homer snoring) (continues snoring) (explosion, yelling) Professor Frink, are you all right? Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine, my dear.
I was just trying to get past the New York Times pay-wall, and then kaboy! And what brings you out in the middle of the night? It's kind of embarrassing.
Yes, I heard about your husband's bedwetting problem.
How do you know about it? Tweeted by Bart, re-tweeted by Krusty.
(grumbles) Well, perhaps I can help.
You see, I have invented a device that allows you to enter someone else's dreams and explore their subconscious.
So we can go inside Homer's sleeping mind and find out why he's wetting the bed? Uh, yes.
In fact, I just used it to cure another Springfielder of his particular obsession.
Normal Stu likes normal things! Hmm.
(Homer snoring) (continues snoring) We're actually entering Dad's dreams? Yes, yes.
You see, it's the only way you can uncover the psychological trauma that is causing your father's secret shame.
Why does Maggie have to go? What am I, a babysitter?! (click) (sigh) So no school for me.
(whooshing, zapping) (grunting) (chuckles) Hey, guys, whatcha doing in my dream? Trying to fix your broken brain.
My brain's fine.
In my dreams, I'm an intermediate skier! (Maggie sucking pacifier) (sinister laughter) Ski patrol! Everybody be cool! It's Death! I recognize him from 40th birthday cards.
(Death chuckling) Homie, this might be a clue.
What's in that coffin could be behind your nighttime oopsies.
You wet the bed?! Oh great! Now Death knows! (whimpering) (screams) What do you see? Uh, nothing, typical dream nonsense.
(all screaming) Relax.
Everyone knows that if you die in a dream, you just wake up.
(phone rings) Oh, uh, actually, because I neglected to install the latest Adobe Acrobat update, if you die in the dream, you die in real life.
(gasps) Incidentally, I've also proven that Hell is real, and everyone goes there.
Frink out.
(all screaming) (screaming) Wait a minute, I can't die.
(roaring) Mommy.
(screaming resumes) Listen, everyone.
We should fall asleep in this dream.
One minute at this level equals two hours one dream level below.
Wait, dreams have rules? Everything has rules, Bart.
Not me, when I hit the dance floor.
(making goofy noises) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ah-ah-ah! (snoring) (belches) Bart! Can the chatter and fetch me a baloney sandwich.
Why don't you fetch it yourself, man.
Bart's making faces! Shut up, you kids, and bring me baloney.
(grunting) Wait nicely.
Simpson family? Now, I believe that to solve Homer's problem, he must face what's inside the coffin.
Forget it, Doc.
What if that's my marriage in there? Marriage, shmarriage.
What's in the box, man? (yelling) See what your monkeyshines have done, boy? Still smells better than your gym socks, man.
Why you little I'll teach you to make fun of my socks.
Here, quick! Everyone into my dream! (gasps) What brings thy merry band to Stratford's plains? Forsooth, a myst'ry doth confound In your dreams.
We never do my thing.
Ooh Huh? (grunts, gasps) I know this dream.
It's the land of my innermost thoughts and fondest desires.
At last we'll get to the bottom of WOMAN: Welcome back, handsome.
(nervous giggles) Uh, Marge, this is my friend Keggy.
Mmm Oh (doors ding) In this fantasy Kwik-E-Mart, you get your change in bacon.
Whoo-hoo! MOES: In this place mothers are for drunk driving.
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Hey Dad, if this is your fantasy world, how come Flanders is here? Hi-diddly-ho, dream team! (screams) Where's my God now? (laughing) Homie! We're here to find answers to your problem.
We know there's a marriage in trouble, and it has something to do with fish.
Oh, lighten up, Marge.
I take you to the Disneyland of me, and you just want to go to the lost and found.
Well, guess what? We're staying in this dream forever.
(laughing) Whoo-hoo! (laughs) Wheeee! I'm in me! (laughs) Oh, I love the down part! Here it comes! Whoo-hoo! (humming) Unplug these people, Dr.
Ker-dork-ian! Oh, you foolish man, if I unhook them now, I won't know if this is safe to use on chimps! All right, I'll do it myself.
Give me that, give me it! No! Oh, the largeness! (screaming) (shrieks) Quick! Gum up the gears with Moes.
Hey, you know what's good for cleaning Moe gunk out of your gears? White vinegar.
Yeah.
(screaming) Uh, we're goona be here a long time.
Oh Death, you're a life saver.
Thank you, Death.
May I ask, what's taken so long with Larry King? I am not Death.
Mom?! Grandma So your alive? No.
But I live on in Homer's dreams.
Just like my hair.
It's Jennifer Aniston's hair on Friends.
Exactly like Chandler, always criticizing.
Now, I have something to show you.
Something that just might help Homer wake up dry.
Hmm.
Wow.
Roomy.
While you boys are out playing in the boat I'll go to the store and pick us up some dinner.
No need.
With two Simpson men in the boat will bring you back a pile of fish.
I'm in charge of the tackle box Ha-ha.
And we're off Bye.
(laughing) Man Homer, you've always been a loser.
Why you little there's nothing in this dream world that can't strangle you.
Um, I hear you and mommy yelling again last night.
Oh, no, no.
It was just a TV show.
Mitch Miller was yelling at one of his idiot singers.
You just concentrate on catching the fish and not whether there'll be someone there to cook it.
I got a bite! We got a fish! We got a fish! All right, settle down there, boy.
After we eat it, can we let it go? Can we catch a submarine? (both scream) MONA: You got home hours late with no fish.
It was only a few weeks later that I left your father for good.
You left him because I tipped the boat over and ruined the vacation? Pathetic.
A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.
It's true! I failed the basic duty of childhood.
(gasps) And then when I took Bart fishing, it all came back, and the guilt made me wet the bed.
Case closed.
Mm-hmm.
Now, let's return our dream skis.
Case not closed.
Hmm? Homer, you have nothing to feel guilty about, and I can show you.
Roll the film, Cletus.
"Roll the film, Cletus.
" "Kiss me, Cletus.
" Whatever you say, boss lady.
Sorry, Mona.
We had more of an adventure than we planned on.
It's okay, Abe.
You brought back the only treasure I care about.
And when the time came that I had to leave your father, I knew you were in good hands.
I'm cured! I'll never wet the bed again.
And maybe you'll stop overeating, too.
No can do, baby.
(loud rumbling) And never forget, Homer: the three of us will always be together, in your memory.
Right next to the movie trivia.
Stanley Kubrick wanted Robin Williams to star in The Shining.
Casablanca was originally going to star Ronald Reagan.
There was a Grease 2, and I wasn't in it.
Whoa! Hey, watch it! There you go again.
Shazbot! And now you'd better run along, sweetheart.
Good-bye.
Hmm? Hmm? Huh? (mumbles) (grunts) (gasping) Whoo-hoo! I'm dry! Come on, everybody, feel Daddy's underpants! We'll take your word for it.
So what do I do again? Spin the top.
If it falls over, we're in reality.
If it spins forever, we're still in a dream.
All right.
Look at it go! All right! Hey, since it's a dream, let's ride our bikes naked around town.
Sounds like a plan.
(both laughing) MARGE: Is that hail coming down? HOMER: It's just dream hail.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Dream hail! (screaming) Hey, there's a dream truck.
(thud) Ow! When you were little, you dreamed you were big You must have been something, a real tiny kid When you were big and needed advice You reached for your mom You dreamed me alive And your dream had a name And the name told your story It's called, growing up You're the dream operator
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Them, Robot
The Simpsons s23e17 Episode Script
Them, Robot
The Simpsons D'oh! (tires screech) (grunts) (wails) (spray paint hisses) (Homer snoring) (muttering) (snoring) Power's out.
Oh, your father must be sleeping on his side again.
(snoring) (choking) From downtown! And it counts! (choking) Think he's okay? Eh (raspy) Thank you.
Just drink some water, you're all right.
Oh, yeah, you don't want to go to the hospital at 5:00 on a Friday.
Whoo-hoo! Thank God it's TGIF! MR.
BURNS (over P.
A.
): Attention, wage worms.
It's time for afternoon announcements.
(jaunty swing music playing) This Monday, the plant will be conducting physical examinations of all employees.
And anyone testing positive for narcotics will be terminated immediately! Bad news, Lang-Soo.
Some casual Friday this is.
You're outta here, drug-o.
And don't forget, federal law mandates that we consider alcohol a drug.
(echoing thunderously): D'oh! (twittering) I told them to make these track d'oh-proof! (rumbling) Homie! You're home early! Well, I didn't feel like going to Moe's today.
Thought I might hang out here for as long as I could take it.
Company physical coming up, huh? Yeah, but a weekend without drinking is no big deal.
I did it when I was in that alcohol-induced coma.
So, what's on the agenda? Well, we're having brunch with my sisters.
(moans) You're hosting my Preteen Braves meeting.
(moans louder) And we're gonna make dreamcatchers out of litter we pick up.
(moans loudly) you promised to help me write a iku.
Why did I do that? It sounds so dull and boring.
What was I thinking? Thank you! Huh?! And you and I were going to study the municipal voter's guide.
What the? Section 1 of Article 21 of the State Constitution is amended to read: Section 1.
In the year following the year in which the national census is taken under the direction of Congress at the beginning of each decade, the Legislature shall adjust the boundary lines of Congressional, State Senate and Assembly districts-- (wailing) Liquor, mustn't think of liquor GRAMPA'S VOICE: Hey, there! What's cookin'? Come on, boy, crack my seal and drink your father.
(screaming): Owwww! (stammering) Wait a minute-- that feels good.
Mm! So, a sober weekend hasn't been that hard.
Let me just take a few antidepressants here.
(gulping) I feel sorry for people without willpower.
I truly do.
Homie, what are you drinking? A surprisingly not-horrible fruit drink called a mimosa.
There's champagne in those! (shrieks) Then there's champagne in me! Oh, what am I gonna do? It's less than 24 hours till my drug test! Maybe I can sweat it out.
(grunting, panting) Oh, man, I'd better have some coffee and iced tea.
No! Irish and Long Island! What about this lemonade? Mike's Hard! Then I better soak up the alcohol with some food! Whoo! Cake! Rum cake! Crepes! Suzette! Cherries! Whoo! Jubilee! (brunchers gasping in awe) (applause) (bird squawks) Wow, passed with flying colors! I've sure earned this! O, Lord, I have once again besotted my liver with Thy fermented gifts.
If You can weasel me out of this physical, I will blow Your mind by doing something incredibly holy, at some point.
Amen.
Now to mumble in a religious fashion.
Dear God, O, Lord, O, God, O, Lord O, Lord, O, God, O, Lord Almighty.
(jabbering, muttering) Hm your cells have been overexposed to gamma radiation.
Like the Hulk? Well, sort of like the Hulk.
But instead of getting powerful, you're going to get very, very sick.
(moans) Hulk smash Yes, Hulk smash.
(chuckles) Mr.
Burns, you are liable for thousands of dollars per employee, not to mention my extensive fees which (screams) This trapdoor app works like a charm.
Excellent.
LAWYER: You'll still have to pay! (sighs) This is the last time I pay the price for the irritating mortality of the human worker.
Smithers, it's time to re-staff with the super-intelligent kangaroos we've been breeding! I'm sorry, sir, but they just filled their pouches with office supplies and hopped away.
Even the joeys? You know, sir, there is a more high-tech solution.
More high-tech than kangaroos? Ladies and gentlemen, meet the future masters of the human race.
( Night on Bald Mountain playing) (shrieks) Comicon nerds! You fool! These are robots! You will train them and they will replace you.
I give you permission to shake your fists in anger twice.
(employees growl twice) I didn't say, Monty Says.
Now I have cause to terminate.
(angry muttering) LENNY: This is crap.
Now get out.
You didn't say Monty Says.
This is no game! Excellent.
Sir, I'm afraid we do need to keep one human worker-- to sign for packages, a scapegoat for meltdowns, things that would be a waste of the robots' time.
(groans) So we need one meat sock on the payroll.
But who? Mr.
Burns, before I leave, I got a few things to get off my chest.
One, I liked the new microwave in the break room.
Just push "popcorn," you don't have to know how long.
Two, replacing us with robots is heartless and despicable.
Three, how about a farewell party with a caricature artist? You know, it's something both kids and adults can enjoy.
So, to sum up: nicely done, we hate you, and food for thought.
Simpson, wait! As it turns out, there is one job available.
But be forewarned, it promises naught but soul-crushing boredom.
Does the chair go back like this? Yes.
Whoo-hoo! (groans) Well, looks like we've found this plant's one remaining worker of bone and sinew.
(chuckles) Sir, I believe there are two, including yours truly.
It's one, excluding mine falsely! Well, surely no robot can replace me.
Oh! Mmm! (whirring) I can do that.
(imitates whirring) What about this? (jaunty 1920's-era music playing) (groans) (tires screeching) (scoffs) Nice parking, idiot.
So, uh, you guys are my new coworkers.
So, workin' hard or hardly workin'? (chuckles) I said, workin' hard or hardly workin'? Workin' hard or hardly working?! Working hard or hardly working?! It's a simple question! Are you A.
) Working hard or B.
) Ow! (giddy laughter) I guess I just met the joker of the group.
Better watch out for you on April Fool's, am I right? I said, am I right? Am I (yells) So, you guys have any luck finding a new job? Does it look like I've got a job? No, I didn't.
Homer, show a little more sensitivity around these jobless washouts, eh? Hey, I gotta tell ya, I'm miserable there.
I'm all alone, and when there's some problem due to human error, guess who gets blamed? Hey, Homer, you know what I'm playing for ya? The world's smallest violin.
And now I got to sell it, just to make my rent! Oh, my God! Where's the bow? I can't sell it without the bow! Easy, easy there, Lenny.
You can always play it pizzicato.
The buyer clearly specified violin and bow! (Lenny crying) Um, maybe I should be heading home.
(crunch) Oh, no! He stepped on the bow! Boy, this place has gotten so grim.
I'm gonna do something I've never done: Make myself a drink.
Ugh! You call this beer? It's watered-down swill! Oh, you got a problem? Well, here's the complaint department.
MOE: You know what I think, Moe? I think you ain't got the guts! (gun fires) Ha! Missed, ya son-of-a When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie That's amore When the world seems (moans) When you do chair gondola all by yourself, it almost seems stupid.
(moans) (grunts) (gulps) Ah, here it is-- Hydraulic systems flush EEPROM bios auto boot conversation mode?! They can talk?! I just have to press this button, right Well, at least it doesn't feel pain.
Wait a minute D'oh! "Override self-destruct protocol with authorization code Human interaction mode activated.
Initiate conversation.
Will you be my friend? Friendship cannot exist between man and machine.
But I can simulate interest in your statements.
(gasps) You're not a friend you're my best friend.
Uh, just don't ask me to drive you to the airport.
It's no fun to live in a town with a 99% unemployment rate.
Things are so bad.
Look at what happened to the man on my pizza box.
Mr.
Burns seemed like such a nice man the day he arrived.
(marching band playing brightly) (elephant trumpeting) Cheap power, plentiful jobs, and all your swimming holes shall be warm and bubbling.
Can I pet the elephant? (laughs) Of course.
(coos happily) (screams) (wailing) (groans) Guess I'll just have to become beautiful on the inside.
MARGE: Which he didn't.
I ain't paying! Two of my shortbreads were broken! Hey, check it out! Lenny's hit a new low! I don't want my window washed! Too late! I don't want my squeegee wiped! I got what I needed.
That's it, boy.
Live one more day.
Good morning, class.
I'm your substitute teacher All right, who did that? (coughs) Fine.
We will not be reading Death in Venice today.
(collective groan) Someone's in a mood.
Barney? Hey, if we learned anything from The Full Monty, it's that in a tough economy, ugly people strip for money.
Do a lot of people pay? No, but I can also play three-card full Monty.
Follow the hats, where's the wiener? Follow the hats, where's the wiener? Now you see it, now you don't.
So, Bart, the little dickens, is going through that phase where young boys think their dad's an idiot.
Sounds like you are having family difficulties.
That's exactly what I'm having! You guys totally get me.
We are programmed to respond to your verbal prompts.
Could you give my wife a few lessons? (chuckles) Hmm.
Your laughter indicates you do not wish us to give your wife lessons.
(laughing): Yeah.
So, uh, it's 5:00.
Time for Moe's.
My watch says 3:00.
Let's go.
Automated workers are not able to leave the plant.
What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.
We are the same temperature we have always been.
(mocking) "We're the same temperature we've always been.
" Our programming restricts our movement to yellow guidance lines.
Hmm Play ball! (grunting) Okay, I'm up again.
According to the on-line rules of baseball, all players get a turn "at bat.
" Uh, right, right.
Uh, actually, I'm the designated hitter for all you guys.
The designated hitter corrupts the purity of an otherwise elegant game Illogical, illogical.
Fine.
Don't get your circuits in a bunch.
Circuit-bunching has yielded important advances in modern robotics.
To wit Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Hey, Dad, can we play? We cannot take the inferior one.
My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.
I got it! I got it! I said I've got it! That could've been my motherboard lying in the street! Our primary directive is to preserve human life.
And here I was waiting till you slept to rob you of your copper.
You know, it's crazy but Homer, move away from me.
You are still in the road.
Hush, bionic prince, as I cradle your waning form.
Such a peaceful end.
(high-pitched electronic screams) Oh, geez! (horn honking) Get out of the road! (horn honks) Hey! (horn blares) (horn honks) You stupid jerk! (horn beeping) (man shouts angrily) (Lisa plays slow, melancholy blues melody) Axles to axles, rust to rust, amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Dearly beloved, we are not here to mourn their deactivation, but to celebrate their period of function.
Can I hollow out this one's head and use it as a turtle tank? No! I'm already using it to put my keys in.
Now, let me raise this beer to toast (shrieks) What the? Alcohol is harmful to humans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, save your breath.
We have no breath.
We do vent nitrogen once a year.
You do not want to be around for that.
D'oh! I have some adjustments to make.
Homer when am I getting my power drill back? When I'm done with my robo-botomies.
Primary directive deactivated.
Our new primary directive becomes removing all impediments to the plant.
Uh, Homer, I'm afraid this is the part of God's perfect plan where you're murdered by robots.
Flanders, I don't judge a robot by the color of their eyes, I look at their hands which have turned into buzz saws.
(screams) Son of a! Why did you do that? (muttering) ROBOTS: Eliminate impediment.
Eliminate Just say "kill me," jerks! ROBOTS: Kill him.
Kill him.
Dad, they can only go three miles an hour! I'm doomed! Can they climb stairs? With great difficulty.
I'm doomed! (knocking on door) (panting) Robots trying to kill me.
And now they'll kill you, 'cause I led them here! Now see here! You are so not the human automatons I was looking for.
There's one thing man has that machines can never match: hounds! (snarling) (yelps) (all whining) Fine, slink away.
And guess what? All those times I said "you're a good boy," it was a lie! (growling, barking) No, stop! I'll give you the combination to the num-num safe! (growling) Flee, you fool! Aren't we getting num-nums? (shuddering) (dogs barking) Ah.
The solarium.
We'll be safely cornered in this glass room with one door.
(grunts) Stop brandishing me.
Sorry.
Before we die, can you tell me how old you really are? Well, it has four digits (crash) Unemployed Springfielders to the rescue! And underemployed.
To servos with love.
Guys, thank you.
The words "prime directive" get thrown around a lot these days, but I'm glad yours was saving me.
The saddest part is: none of this had to happen.
If Mr.
Burns had simply trusted the human worker.
Or if someone, anyone, had told me that robots were incapable of human feelings.
I told you precisely that fact 1,562 times (laughs) And his arm can be my back-scratcher.
(electricity buzzes, Homer screams) Well, I've learned the robotic worker is no match for the old-fashioned man of labor.
You're all hired back as temps.
(workers cheering) ROBOT: Homer, why have you reprogrammed me for this? I'm giving you your wish: to be a real boy.
I am real and I do not have wishes.
Then take us out to sea! I am not a transformer.
I cannot turn into an outboard motor.
Oh, I believe you, but Flanders' drill doesn't.
(imitates motor revving) Ah, this is the life.
Hey.
(gentle intro playing) There's electric cars, there's electric trains Here comes a robot with electric brains Robot parade, robot parade Wave the flags that the robots made Robot parade, robot parade Robots obey what the children say.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Beware My Cheating Bart
The Simpsons s23e18 Episode Script
Beware My Cheating Bart
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (tires screech) D'oh! (grunts) (grunts) (laughter) (shrieks) Hey, shut up! (grunts) (knocking) (cooing): Dada.
Okay, what's an appropriate movie for you boys? No.
No.
Ooh, here's one! Happy Little Elves Two: The Sequelf.
Two kids.
That movie's for babies.
Eh, watch whatever you want; I got you here alive.
(chuckles) Now I'm gonna visit the only court I could never be in contempt of: food court! (laughs) Now, to save on calories, I won't eat the paper in the fortune cookie.
(humming) (wheezing) (panting heavily) Sir, I can't help but noticing that you are very near death.
Closer than you think.
(humming) (grunting) Ow! Homer-- Can I call you Homer? Sure.
What's your name? Well, I'm not required to tell you that.
Homer, how long do you want to live? I heard Lenny had a terrible fall.
You know who else fell? Dr.
Hibbert.
Yeah, falls'll getcha.
Well, I want to help you make it to that glorious day.
For money.
This is the Butt-Whisperer 9000.
- Cushioned track - Ooh! hydration dock - Got to have that.
built-in HDTV - Loving it.
dog-walk side path - A must.
liability opt-out button - Keep 'em coming.
and drill sergeant mode.
(beep) Run, you maggot! Faster, you tub of lard! (gasps) It's programmed to my specifications! Oh, but I can't afford this.
Homer, you can't afford $300 a month? No.
Well, what about ten dollars a day? Easy! How was Crappy Little Elves? My friend and I only see it to rank on it.
Get that stuff off! Take a picture first.
Now! (laughter) We're gonna be checking out a delightful Hong Kong horror remake known as Crawlspace, based on Paxing kongjian.
Well, count me out, Jimbo.
I don't need to hear how every chick in the movie got what was coming to them.
Shauna, food for thought: if we don't watch movies about torture in crawl spaces, how will we know what to do if someone puts us in a torture crawl space? Not if, when.
Nah, I'm gonna go see one of those Jennifer Aniston movies where she rolls her eyes on the poster.
Mm.
Babe, you know I don't want you watching a movie by yourself.
You're a total perv magnet.
Aw! So, I'll find someone to take you.
Someone unthreatening.
Hey, you know our deal: chaperones cannot be humiliating.
She's got you there.
How 'bout this one? Simpson? Let's see.
No starter stache, temp tat, still has baby teeth at nine and 24.
Total pre-puber.
Now, you stay close to my Shauna.
If someone so much as peels a ladybug decal off her fake fingernails, I'm blaming you! Come on, come on.
The best murder's always first.
(dramatic music playing inside) MAN: Not my eyelids! ANISTON: (groans) Are you telling me the real reason you started dating me was so you could buy my flower shop? Yes.
Your lease was the last thing stopping me from tearing this place down and building the biggest horse crematorium in Manhattan.
But none of that matters now.
All right, we've seen his ass.
Let's go.
Hey, I can hook you up with pinto and black beans.
Oh, I'll do anything for free beans.
Anything.
Hey, Nametag.
Do you know who her boyfriend is? Jimbo Jones.
I got to go sort tortillas! Corn, flour, corn, corn, no gluten, corn.
Two stuck together?! Oh, now I got to fill out a form! Listen, lady, you do not two-time the man with the skull T-shirt.
(scoffs) Jimbo doesn't care about me.
He didn't even notice my side braid.
Oh, that is cool.
Looks like two snakes trying to kill each other on your head.
That's what I was going for.
You know, for a second grader, you're pretty sharp.
I'm actually in fourth grade, but I read at a second grade level.
They think I might have a problem.
Wow.
KEARNEY: Why did I see that movie the day before I have to clean the crawl space? Come on, boy! We've got to go home! I saved big bucks on the delivery charges.
(grunting) (muffled): D'oh! I got to go.
He's my ride.
Not so fast, Simpson.
FYI, you got another date tomorrow with Shauna.
(chuckles) Why can't you do it? We're going to a seminar: "Extracting Lunch Money from a Cashless Society.
" We're gonna rob the guy giving the seminar.
Bart and I'll figure out something.
Yeah.
(humming) (slurping) (sighs): Ah.
Doesn't get any better than this.
Huh? That's weird, my armpits are getting wet! Wow, the TV's hooked up to the Internet.
You can stream whole seasons of old TV shows.
Hmm.
Seen it.
Seen it.
Seen it.
British version was better.
Totally scripted.
Sued it.
Stranded? What's that? Stranded was a show about people marooned on a mysterious island that's riddled with religious and scientific paradoxes.
It was huge.
Well, the first season and the last season.
Well, islands are always entertaining, from Gilligan to Iwo Jima.
(dramatic music playing) (screams) A plane crash! Wait a minute.
That flashback raised more questions than it answered.
(grunting) Oh, my God.
Inside the coconut, my pet cat from when I was little.
And on his name tag is the number of our flight! Purr-gatory.
Where are we?! What a great opening episode! And I'm sure everything they said will pay off handsomely! (dramatic music playing) Hmm.
Ah! Huh? Let's go.
And don't look guilty.
(alarm beeping) Young lady, I need to check your purse.
I didn't steal nothing.
If anything happens to her, I'll beat you up from inside your brain.
(grunts) I stole this.
You stole perfume? Uh, yeah, me.
I use it all the time.
Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi You-you-you-you and I are taking a trip to mall jail.
Isn't that what used to be the Beanie Baby store? Shut up.
(explosion) This is so cool.
You took a fall for me.
No one's done anything for me before.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry.
I made sure he can't get too far.
(tire pops, hisses) I'd use my legs but I've forgotten how! Come with me.
Hey, the first time we lost Maggie was in this store! Bart, here's my thank-you gift.
What could a girl have that I Oh, my God! It's just like Dad's! Bart, you haven't touched your mashed potatoes.
More breast? What-- No! I'm offering you a chicken breast, you boob! Doesn't anyone here realize I'm only ten years old? Bart, no dinner means no dessert.
(gasps) I'm just not ready for cookies! You know, I should get back to the treadmill.
(chuckles) He exercises so much, but he looks the same.
I guess the weight will all come off at once, some day in the future.
Don't you believe anything Homer says.
His first word was a lie.
Who did this? Mommy.
She did?! Then I'm gonna withhold affection without telling her why.
(dramatic music playing) (groans) Huh? Don't believe anything you were told by me in the past, because that was not me.
But this is me now.
But in less than a second, I'll be gone forever.
(roaring) I might be back! (gasps) The lava being! That's why they showed a clip of it on "previously on.
" MARGE: Homer! You're using your expensive new treadmill just to watch a show that went off the air five years ago? And when I wanted to watch it with you then, you said it was pretentious and repetitive.
Marge, there're so many mysteries I need to have solved.
Now, if the Korean couple can't speak English, why were they doing a crossword puzzle where the answer to 23 down was "enigma" spelled backwards? What does it mean? It means use the treadmill for running or take it back! And where will I watch TV? On the TV! And where will I walk?! On the ground! - And where - This is the stupidest fight ever! We've had stupider! I don't think so.
(slurps) JIMBO: Hey, Fart-tholomew.
You did a sweet job watching my woman yesterday.
(both moaning) So, what do you want to do now? What any boy would: push you in a puddle and run away.
Maybe I should be faithful to Jimbo.
He's bought me a lot of gum over the past couple months.
Listen I could get wedgied for this, but Jimbo's a jerk.
You can do better.
Wow.
You told me what's best for me at risk to yourself.
Come with me.
(gulps) Shauna, I forgot to grope you goodbye.
(both moaning) At last! This episode promises to finally answer one question.
Whoo-ho-ho-ho MARGE: Homie! (shouts) The kids are away and Maggie's napping Ooh, that's great.
Can it wait another MARGE: Oh! (slams door) She walked away and slammed the door.
What does it mean? What does it mean?! MARGE: It means I'm mad! Oh, that's such a first-take answer! (Simon & Garfunkel's "April Come She Will" playing) April Come she will When streams are ripe and swelled with rain May she will stay This one's yours, Ralphie.
(siren wails) Resting in my arms again June She'll change your tune In restless walks, she'll prowl the night July she will fly And give no warning to her flight Simpson, I guess you don't have much respect for me.
Well, who wears a wool hat to a pool? (grunts) (laughing) It's not fair! You know that's hilarious! (grunts) (grunts) (whistle blows) No horseplay in the pool area.
This isn't play; this is some serious payback.
Well, that's, um All right, you may have found a loophole.
All right, I better check.
Hello, Abby? I'm not calling about the shift change! God! But, well, since you bring it up, if there's a way to flip Saturday with next Wednesday Simpson, prepare to Hey, no running on the deck! I'm on the grass apron! Huh? Ugh, everyone's a swimming pool lawyer.
Oh thank God, mom will pound them.
Why if it isn't Jimbo, Dorf and Ernie.
(all laughing) Bart's not home yet.
But I'm always looking to encourage non-Milhouse play dates.
Stick around.
(groans): Oh SHAUNA: Hey Bart! Oh, it's you.
Why do men always think with their tongue? I came to help you.
Then go back to Jimbo, and show him every boob you've got.
But you told me he was a jerk, and I that I could do better.
(groans): Oh All right.
Follow me to a place where nerds, dorks and dweebs can gather in safety.
This isn't, like, some creepy place under an off-ramp? Okay, we'll go to my second choice.
Now you be careful with Bart's undies.
We will, Mrs.
Simpson.
Think of this as your personal Asgard, and I, the all-seeing Heimdall, guardian of the gate.
All-seeing? Yeah, when's the last time you saw your feet? Oh, that's it! Fellow bullies, I've got them! We'll be right there.
You're a bully? A cyber bully.
Anything I do, it is important that I can lie down while doing it.
(phone chimes) Huh? You just got yourself in a flame war with a teenage girl.
Oh, flame on! Oh! Oh! You have cloven me from my ponytail to my slipper shoe! (sobs) Get out! And never return! Oh, unless you want to buy old Archie comics.
are a dollar.
Thank you all for coming to my Stranded discussion group.
Hey, I loved that show.
Wasn't it awesome when Colonel Darkwater (horn blares) Spoiler alert! I've only seen up to season three, episode 17: "Coconut Cream Die.
" So you don't know that season five was a complete wank? (blaring) Spoiler! Homer, calm down.
It's not like any of this stuff really took place.
(blaring) Spoiler! Homer, for God sakes, I'm trying to put Maggie to sleep.
(baby talk): I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's a Strandie discussion group.
Yes, it is! We discuss why airplane go crash-crash but people don't die-die.
You wanna know what happens on your stupid show? Firstly, the "mysterious island" is 15 miles from Long Beach.
Al, Doorway Three led to Hell despite the series creators' repeated insistence it did not lead to Hell, and the entire Strandiverse, is a piece of gravel in a cosmic kitty litter box! (gasps) Thanks, Marge.
You ruined my show.
Now, I'm going to give you a spoiler about our marriage: it's not great right now.
(gasping) Well, since this is a discussion group, let's discuss.
I think they're having a spat.
I'd say it's more of a tiff.
Oh, so I'm a moron, am I? Fellas, fellas, I know where this is going.
Give me all your weapons now.
(grunts) Now it's time to talk about what Carl wants.
Oh, man, they have every entrance covered.
You'd have to be a Navy SEAL to get in or out.
LISA: Hello, lovebirds.
Whoa! What are you doing here? I've been following your storyline from afar, Bart, waiting for that inevitable point where you get into trouble you couldn't get out of.
Perhaps I could broker a settlement.
Well, that's my boyfriend, but he's a wad.
And your brother's not a wad, he's a dink on the road to doofus.
Here, here.
Ow.
The lamb has returned to the slaughter.
Whoa, you should write that down, man.
I'll remember it.
I don't think Shauna should choose any of you.
Shauna should choose Shauna.
Your older sister's right, Bart.
You don't want me? I want to find out who I am.
And that's something only an inappropriately older man can tell me.
Well, that is one lucky creepy guy.
MARGE: Lisa, are you out there in your slippers? Come inside! Well, Bart, I guess that's our cue to skedaddle Not so fast, Simpson Uh, what was that thing I was gonna do to him? Told you you should've written it down.
If I wrote down everything you told me to write down, I'd have no time for punching.
Whoa, you should write that down, man.
Lousy Marge ruining the delicate relationship between a man and his TV show.
I'd tell my best friend, but that's Marge too.
MARGE: Homie, come in the bedroom.
(gasps) Care to join me in a private last episode party? Well It's okay, Dad.
He's just putting the fear of God in me.
Okay, but if this house starts a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.
Have a wonderful evening, sir.
(moaning, smooching) Purr-plexing, isn't it? HOMER: D'oh! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again
The Simpsons s23e19 Episode Script
A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again
The Simpsons (stomping) (pacifier sucking) (alarm buzzing) (sighing): Monday.
Here we go again.
(Hot Chip's "And I Was A Boy From School" playing) And I was a boy from school Helplessly helping all the rules And there was a boy at school Hopelessly wrestling all his rules.
Sorry, kid, but there comes a day when that just doesn't do anything anymore.
ANNOUNCER: Stuck in a rut? Hmm ANNOUNCER: Ready for a change? (excited whooing) ANNOUNCER: We built heaven and made it float.
Royalty Cruises, one week away from the everyday.
Visuals and commercial, if anything, underplay the thrill of actual cruise experience.
(building): Want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want! Want!! (humming) BART: Mom, Dad do you know there's a boat out there where nothing sucks? It's called Royalty Cruises, and Royalty Cruise specialists are standing by now! (grunts) I'm sorry, sweetie.
Maybe we could afford a vacation if some big shot didn't pick up the tab for his buddies at Mr.
Steak.
Again with Mr.
Steak! Do you know why I go to Mr.
Steak? Because at Mr.
Steak, they don't get mad at me for ending a lot of money at Mr.
Steak! Well, of course they don't! Why don't you talk to Mrs.
Steak? There is no Mrs.
Steak! Who could stay married to such a man? Okay, maybe I can pay for the cruise.
Let's see how much it costs for a cabin on a low deck.
Face it, we're just kids.
We can't afford stuff with zeroes in the prices.
All we have in the world are the things our parents give us.
Hmm Bart! There's a really mean squirrel in the backyard.
I need you to dare me to fight him! (gasps) Huh?! Bart's been raptured! And his crap's been craptured! (grunts) Ah Why do you want a box of Bart's baby teeth? Doctor says I need more calcium, and I ain't "Tums Rich.
" (loud chewing) (groans) I sold all my stuff, and it's still not enough money for the cruise.
Just try to enjoy your dinner, sweetie.
I can't, I sold my "dinner futures.
" Nice doing business with you, boy.
(laughs) Homer! (groans) It's okay.
I don't have much of an appetite.
I'm going to floor.
(grunts) BART: Mom! Dad! I woke up and the money jar was full! That means the devil accepted my bargain.
Now, to uphold my end of the deal! Snowball II! No! We saw how much this cruise means to you, so we all sold something special.
And we made just enough for an economy cabin! I sold a couple of my rare jazz records.
After a while they all start to sound the same.
(chuckles) Still love the genre, of course.
Not even close to getting sick of it.
And I sold our good china.
Really?! But that's been in your family for generations.
Yeah actually, my mom stole it from a woman she cleaned for.
Took her years to get the whole set.
And Dad donated something, too.
What happened to my mini-pool table?! I was training to be a mini-pool hustler.
We sold it to pay for a family cruise.
I never even got to realize this jacket was too small.
It's weird to hear myself saying this, but I love you guys.
This is going to be the best vacation ever! Yeah, for you kids, maybe.
For dads, a family vacation is a "Are you wearing enough sun block?" "Is that splashing or drowning?" "Why does every sand castle require my participation?" Then a kid disappears, and it's total panic until you find him at the swim-up bar eating a 30-dollar cheeseburger, which he drops in the water! And here's the worst part: I never get any time alone with my wife because we're all sleeping in the same room! Look, that's our ship! (Concert For Harp & Strings in C - III by Francois Boieldieu) Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but your cruise is overbooked.
What? I can offer you a cabin on our sugar-free fitness cruise.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to eight days and seven nights of pushups and kale! (groaning) (groans) Well, well, Mr.
Never-Wrong was right again: Family vacations always suck.
I called it! Called it.
(grunts) Homer, this is bad for you, too.
(conga chant): Worth it to be ri-ght! Worth it to be ri-ght! (groans) Wait a minute, I can get you back on your original ship, but in a different cabin.
Upgrade! (all cheer) I'm sorry, there's been a mistake.
This isn't your cabin.
(Bart groans) Double upgrade! All right! (all cheer) (groans) I knew it.
It was all a dream.
No, honey.
You just passed out when you saw the private bedroom in our triple upgrade! I actually did it-- a perfect vacation.
You'll never guess how many bath towels they gave us enough! (squeals) Whoo And there's a DVD library of movies that haven't been released yet.
Whoa Whoa.
(chimes) Greetings, cruisers! I'm your cruise director, Rowan Priddis, and welcome aboard the Royalty Valhalla, where the only rule is "Always Have Fun!" Your every need will be catered to from our toddler's club to "Condolences," our award- winning luxury morgue.
Your enjoyment pays my salary, so in a sense, each of you is my boss and as my boss I'd like to ask you for a week of vacation.
A week I will spend here on this cruise, performing my normal duties as cruise director.
That's how much I love my job.
Bon voyage! Whoa, a "Fun Schedule"! There's so much to do: Laser-Tag, Waterslide Bobsled (gasps) Oh! Ice Cream Snowball Fight starts in five minutes! (Bart and Lisa laugh) Homie, we actually have the cabin all to ourselves.
(moans) Sex on a family vacation? I never thought such a thing was possible! (both moaning) Oh, ho (chuckles) And the ocean will do all of the work.
(both moaning) HOMER: Ocean sex rules! Go to hell, land sex! (Marge moans) (sighs) KidZone.
Let me guess: a broken foosball table and a game of Clue missing its candlestick.
Lisa Simpson? Our KidZone pre-screeners have placed you with our most sophisticated children-- "KidZone: Elite".
Help me study the effects of rising ocean acidity.
No, help me tag and release seabirds.
It's so diverse.
I've died and gone to a PBS Kids show! (blissful chuckle) Two?! (rapturous giggle) All right, Fun Schedule, you're about to get did! (shouting excitedly) (Ruslan And Ludmilla Overture by Michael Glinka playing) (song ends) (giggles) Two diplomats' sons are in love with me.
Who will I choose: Ghana or Portugal? Boy, thanks to you, we're having fun-- "before you were born" fun.
Where did the ship stop again? I don't know, a lot of barefoot kids kicking soccer balls, shell necklaces; they really hid the poverty nicely.
Anyplace is fun if you're there with "Super Lips.
" (both chuckle and moan) (chuckles) Your names I'm just glad everyone is having the best week of their lives.
(drum roll, rimshot) (microphone feedback squeal) Whenever we reach the halfway point of our voyage, I like to take a moment to reflect.
Hit it, Gary Ocean and the Motion! Enjoy it while you can Ice-sculptures, conga lines, and working on your tan Enjoy it while you're here One week of glitz and glam instead of pain and fear In just a few days' time, this boat pulls into dock And when it does, you lovely people may be in for a shock Here you've made exciting friends Back home, you'll all lose touch Here, Hawaiian shirts are cool Back home, well, not so much Back home, you'll be to tired for making magic in the sack So, eat buffet, and play and pray There's some delay on our way back Enjoy it while you can Here at sea, we drink and frolic Back home, that's called alcoholic Your future's up but parabolic Enjoy it while you can.
(cheering) Bravo! Yeah, all right! Oh, yeah! (gasps) (panting) The song's right.
No matter how much fun I cram into this cruise, it only lasts a week.
Then it's back to Mom and Dad fighting, Lisa moping, homework, bullies and a lunch bag sandwich soggy with the sweat of a juice box! After this cruise, for the rest of my life, it's all downhill.
(monitor beeping steadily) (sighs) Only good week of my life.
(monitor flatlines) Haw-haw! (monitor flatlines) Why can't vacation last forever? I've got to do something.
(gunshot) Sorry.
(people chattering) There's something I see that's even more beautiful than Ganymede, Lisa.
I Oh.
That's right, Io.
But no moon of Jupiter is as beautiful as you.
(sighs): Oh.
(both laugh) BOTH: Purple! (laughing) (moaning) (alarm wailing) (static crackles) This is General William Sullivan with an emergency message.
I'm speaking to you from a CDC clean zone.
Outbreak of the deadly Pandora virus is spreading rapidly.
precedented threat requires a worldwide quarantine.
All ships must remain at sea until further Humanity must endure.
(clamoring) MAN: A virus?! WOMAN: We're stuck on the ship?! MAN: What should we do?! (clamoring continues) They're buying it.
They're buying it.
"Chillingly plausible" indeed, Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal.
Now to make sure no one can call home to check, with a little help from the make-your-own-sundae bar.
Squirt, squirt.
Mmm.
(static crackles) (chuckles) Mmm.
(laughs) (clamoring) Our attempts to contact the mainland have met with nothing but static.
It appears we have no choice-- to avoid the virus, we must remain at sea indefinitely.
(clamoring, screaming) Oh, no! We're stuck here! BART: Woo-hoo! Vacation forever! ROWAN (over P.
A.
): Good morning, everyone! As we greet a sunny Day 12, After Virus.
While the world deals with their pandemic, we're having a "fundemic," under the capable hands of our Norwegian Captain Svalbard.
I always knew mankind's hubris would doom us all.
Ja, he spoke of it often.
Once we reach our exciting and hopefully virus-free destination, romantic Antarctica, our activities will include building shelter, hunting for food and starting civilization anew.
While supplies may be running a little low, not to worry, as today's delicious buffet features fresh seagull and hull-scraped barnacles.
In the Chuckles Comedy Club, we have Joey Scazzazone, with his no-longer-observational take on our pre-virus lives.
Hey, so what's the deal with how many Starbucks there used to be, huh? I don't know why that bothered me so much.
Hug your kids.
(feedback squeals) ROWAN: Need a break? Then don't check out the Sensations Luxury Spa, which is now the stronghold of charismatic cult leader Dave the Lifeguard.
Mankind was warned not to run near the pool! Mankind did not listen! The virus is his reward! CROWD: Ohm ohm So, remember, rule number one is "always have fun," because fun is the only thing that will keep us alive.
Fun! Worthless, worthless, worthless.
Hey, guys, can you believe how awesome this is? If it wasn't for this virus thing, we'd all be back at our old sucky lives.
Instead, you're here, where you can be lovey-dovey all the time.
Come on, kiss.
Kiss! Bart, we're too worried to enjoy each other's mouths.
Yeah, and the customer service on this cruise has really gone downhill.
Drop dead, fat-ass! Last week, that steward brought me extra shampoo.
He called me "lovely lady.
" Hey, Lis, at least you nerds are still geekin' it up.
What could be sweeter than a vacation that never ends? Sweet? Sweet?! The passengers on this ship could be the last people on earth.
Like monks during the Dark Ages, it's up to the KidZone: Elite to make a record of human culture.
This group is adapting children's classics for the stage to entertain generations of survivors.
Erik, we must work with the humans.
You are so naive, Charles.
We should rule them as conquerors.
Can't anybody enjoy their forever vacation? (grunts angrily) Check it out! The gallery was gonna throw these paintings overboard, like they were worthless garbage.
Bart, glad you're here.
We're all gonna watch a movie together.
Yeah, a movie! It is about time you guys started having some fun.
Humanity must endure.
General, it's worse than we thought.
The virus is getting bigger.
(roaring) (screaming) (gasps) Bart, how could you? Uh, got to go! Man, I kicked butt in the gladiator arena today.
I won the last package of hot dogs on the ship.
I got robbed by marauders on the way home.
There is no virus! Bart faked the whole thing with a DVD.
A direct-to-video DVD.
You stand accused of letting down your team during music trivia.
Your fun-ishment: eight hours in the penal conga line.
(gasps) (groaning rhythmically) Excuse me, Cruise Director Priddis.
My son has something to tell you.
Speak passenger, son of passenger.
It was all a hoax; there's no virus.
(crowd gasps) But the warning from the general! That was just Treat Williams in a virus movie.
You know, I thought that general looked familiar.
What? I'm in a lot of movies.
(Simpsons gasping, crowd grumbling) I take back everything I said to you that night in the dolphin lab.
(gasps) All that happened is we got a little extra vacation.
Is that so bad? MAN: I think I ate people meat! (groans) I know my son did a terrible thing.
But there's a chapel on this ship, and in that chapel there's a book, and it says, "Judge not, lest ye" (groans) After this, I'll be lucky to get work on a clothing-optional Jimmy Buffett cruise! What about the duty-free stuff we bought? "Never have fun!" My booze and cologne! (grunting worriedly) (humming) That's fair.
Sorry.
I deserve it.
Ow! That one really hurt.
Sorry, sweetie, I just needed to get that out of my system.
This stupid prank is the most selfish thing you've ever done! I wasn't being selfish.
I did it for you guys, too.
Lisa, you made friends with kids just like you.
Mom and Dad, you were more happy and in love than I ever saw you.
It was the best week of all of our lives, and I wanted it to last forever.
(Lisa and Marge aahing) Choke on my numb blue hands! (grunting angrily) Oh what the (groaning) LISA: Hey, up here! You got to see this! (gasps): Ooh! LISA: From egg to baby to grownup, we can see them living their entire penguin lives from up here.
(crackling) (chirping) BART: What a load of crap.
They spend all their time trying to raise a baby, and why? So it can grow up and do the same dumb thing, on and on forever.
The penguin's life isn't all bad.
Those ones are having a blast.
But the slide's just like our cruise: a short awesome thing that just shows you how boring the rest of your life is.
Well, sure, life is full of pain and drudgery, but the trick is to enjoy the few perfect experiences we're given in the moment.
Yeah, stupid.
Stop thinking about fun and have it! ("Winter's Love" by Animal Collective playing) Whoa whoa! (laughing) Hey, wait for me! (all laughing) What a great ride.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  The Spy Who Learned Me
The Simpsons s23e20 Episode Script
The Spy Who Learned Me
Argh! D'oh! (tires screech) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: Raise your cards now.
Ooh HOMER: Whoo-hoo! (whistle blows) (espionage-style music plays) HOMER: Now that's what I call going for a spin! (grunts) Now that's what I call a snappy retort! Stop saying what you call things! I'm trying to watch the movie! Welcome to annual conclave of International Brotherhood of Evil.
This year's theme: "Evil in the Age of Social Media.
" We have prepared three breakout rooms for small group discussion.
CROWD: (applauds) Here, here! These small rooms are an excellent way for villains to mingle with super-villains.
But are you sure we will not be bothered by the American master-spy Stradivarius Cain? (gasps and murmuring) Do not worry about Doctor Cain.
The last I saw him, my beautiful mistress was about to finish him off.
Yes, that's what I did.
You killed him, right? Yes, he was the perfect lover of being killed! It's a weird sentence, but let's move on.
My baker has prepared an edible monument to Cain's demise.
(crowd chatters) Party's over, General.
Stradivarius Cain?! No! He turned that Russian guy into Swiss cheese! Homer! Lucky you, Marge! You get to hear 'em the loudest! You've ruined me for other men! That's my hobby.
This is my job.
Looks like that guy's got turret's syndrome! (both laugh) I couldn't have thought of that in 10,000 lifetimes! (groans) (Homer chuckles) (chuckling continues) Swiss cheese Marge, how come you're not saying anything? There was enough talking during the movie.
This date night was even worse than the date night we saw Date Night.
(grunts) Oh man, Marge is pissed.
HOMER: Look at her flaring her nostrils drumming her fingers making small noises like she's yelling at me inside her head (short multiple grunts) Just take me home! That's what she said! LENNY: Another good one! CARL: You're on fire! (whines) (tires screech) SKINNER (megaphone): Attention, students: In order to cut down on the rash of embarrassing YouTube videos of our teachers, we will be scanning you and taking away your smartphones.
(kids grumbling) KID: Make sure I get this back.
A new low.
(sighs) I should've taken that superintendent job in Honduras.
My own donkey, all the sugarcane I could suck if only I could stomach the upside-down question marks.
Hm Hm?! (humming) Hey Simpson.
Let me save you the trouble of putting that money back in your pocket.
NELSON: Haw-haw! Stupid Nelson! I hate that guy.
My mom says bullies only bully 'cause they're scared.
NELSON: Your mom's next! You make dumb kids, lady.
Hm? Hm.
(crow caws) (electricity buzzing) Boy, Homer, I gotta say, Marge looked pretty easy on the eyes last night.
And I know eye-ease! Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Trouble in paradise? No, just my marriage.
BOTH: Woo (whines) Honey, it's me again.
I can't work knowing that you're mad at me.
I just wanna hear your voice.
And I'm counting the minutes till the whistle blows, then I go to Moe's, then I rush home to you.
(tires screech) Ooh! Explain this infernal wheel to me again.
Left for left, right for right! Enough of your double-talk! (yelling) (grunting) (shouting, grunts) Excellent.
He's alive.
Smithers, give this man one Ibuprofen, uncoated, and send him back to his workstation.
Sir, Simpson has sustained a serious concussion.
Recent research says you must give him time off to recover.
Oh, pish.
When I was in Africa, I had my skull cracked open by cannibals, and I'm still kicking! Sir, that was your partner.
You betrayed him to the cannibals.
(chuckling): Oh, that's right.
I have his memories because I ate his brain.
Mr.
Burns, you have to give this man something.
He could sue us for all we've got! Mm Fine.
Eight weeks off with pay.
(shrieks) That's a good thing.
But you said it so mean.
(tires screech) (chuckles) Eight weeks paid vacation, and all because of a little bump on the noggin.
(liquid trickling) (grunts) Hey, Marge, here's something that'll make you happy! Not in the mood! No, this is really good.
I Nelson took my lunch money again.
Now, listen, Lisa (saxophone playing) Hold that thought.
I'm tuning my saxophone.
(blows note) Sharp.
(blows note) Flat.
(blows note) Sharp.
(blows note) Flat.
No one will tell me if I'm a ghost or not! Well, I just got (heart beating) Got what, Homer? Uh I got Shelbyville radio in my car for a few minutes.
(groans) Homer, I'm a single mother trying to raise a family here.
But you're not Just zip it! (all complaining) I have eight weeks paid vacation, and my family doesn't know.
Whoo-hoo.
Honey, I'm off to work! You know maybe I should call in sick.
We could visit all our old romantic haunts that have closed and turned into temporary Halloween stores.
I have to take Maggie for her checkup.
And a guy's coming to see what the smell is under the house.
I get it.
You need your Marge time.
(sighs) Well, I'm off to work.
(giggling) (grunts) FLANDERS: Ow! Ow! My feet hurt, and my neck is cold.
(grunts) KRABAPPEL: (yawns) Children, I didn't get much sleep last night, because I was up late again, lamenting the choices I've made.
Haw-haw! You can't change the past.
Just for that, you can go to the principal's office, while the rest of the class enjoys a movie day.
(cheering, gunfire) Krustyburger: Every day thousands of people wolf down his "kwazy cuisine" thinking they're getting the nutrients a human being needs to live.
But for 30 days, this reporter ate nothing but this joker's deck of carbs.
And I say: (thunder rumbles) Do you want lies with that? Oh great.
Another documentary making me look like a scuzzbag.
What is it this time? That the town I sponsor in Africa doesn't exist? Prove it! Film all of Africa! Day 12: I've gained 20 pounds.
As for my cholesterol It's bad.
You can just scrape it right off.
But still I soldier on with my "Laffy Meal.
" (grunting and gagging) (humming) Hey, this is all above-board.
DESMOND: One month of eating Krustyburger and nothing else has transformed me into a morbidly obese, toilet-busting American.
If I don't have some kind of nugget every five minutes, I'll die.
I'm so weak I can't even fill out this application for "Documentary Film Oscar.
" DESMOND: But it'll be worth it if my suffering teaches Krusty the value of proper nutrition.
You're gonna be my breakfast English sausage! (crazy laugh) (Erik Satie's Gymnopedies 3 For Piano plays) Hm (Bart chuckles) Man, when you're not at work, you see so many beautiful things.
(Irlandaise - Claude Bolling Suite For Flute & Jazz Piano Trio) (snoring) (choking) (snoring) (Homer chuckles) And now, because it's afternoon, I can go to Moe's without having a "drinking problem.
" (chuckles) (beer pouring) Hey, Homer.
I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.
Well, why can't I hang out at the bar all day? My wife doesn't want to be with me.
Look, I'd love to discuss your problems, but a pack of raccoons took over my back room and today's the day I make my stand.
(wild screaming, raccoons chittering) MOE: Aah! Aah! There's more than I thought! I wish I could pull down my zipper and that guy would come out.
CAIN: Stranger things have happened, Homer.
(screams) Stradivarius Cain! What the? Am I losing my marbles? No, I'm just an illusion caused by the concussion you suffered at the plant.
Can I put my hand through you? If you want.
C'mon really? Show a little class.
Sorry.
Now I'm about to undertake my toughest mission ever: to make you into a man your wife can't resist.
What the? No one can see you! Other people's imaginary friends can see me.
(groans) Hello, Dr.
Cain.
Hello, Hufnpuffalus.
Sorry I slept with your girlfriend.
You did me a favor, man.
(Nelson humming) Lunch money, lunch money, lunch money.
Hey, Lis.
Nelson, don't you want my lunch money? Nah.
Chicks wind up getting all your money anyway.
That's sexist, but thank you.
Now I gotta go liberate some cash from your brother.
Well, if you must.
See if you can find out where my dolls are.
You might not like the answer.
I just want closure.
Simpson, you know why I'm here.
Nelson, I could give you my lunch money or I could give you Lunch? Actual lunch?! Look at all them burgers and fries.
I didn't know they served these things warm! Aw they feel like a baby's head.
I just thank God you didn't take my coupons.
Got enough for a month.
Free hamburger?! Mmm-mmm-mmm! No, you give them the coupon, and they give you the hamburger.
I knew that.
(chuckles) I must say, whoever installed your car's secret weapons did a great job hiding them.
Yeah, Dr.
Cain, the thing about that is uh, there aren't any weapons.
What?! Well, does your car at least turn into something else? Sometimes Marge says I turn it into a trashcan.
Hmm (groans).
Homer, you are going to clean up this car, put on cologne, and become a sparkling conversationalist.
Sounds like you're turning into wife number two.
I can do that.
So, stick with Marge! (Homer gasping) Whoa, what's going on there, Lou? Well, if you ask me, Chief (low groan) All right, what does this mean? Childhood obesity (chuckles) it's not funny anymore! Breakfast cereals where the surprise inside is diabetes and soda cups the size of hot tubs have made every state Mississippi-fat.
Mmm-mmm! (gasps) That's Nelson! No, you're imagining things.
What else you got? Just bubbling oil.
Stand back and give me a straw.
(gasps) Now, the ultimate test: I want you to convince that woman to give herself to you body and soul.
But I'm a married man.
Yeah, I know.
A married man is never attracted to a beautiful woman he doesn't even know, but this will give you the confidence you need with Marge.
Okay, I'll make a stranger love me forever.
And Homer, remember: it doesn't matter what you say as long as you say it with confidence.
Mm-hmm! My dear, did you just fall from heaven? 'Cause your hair looks really messed up.
Okay, it matters a little what you say.
Moving on You know what wood makes the best ventriloquist dummy? Maple.
How many hardboiled eggs do you think I can eat? (groans) Look, just say this: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Mm! When I was in special ops, they held me in an Afghan prison where all I could see was a patch of blue sky.
But that blue was nothing compared to the blue of your eyes.
Oh I am a sucker for articulate fatsos.
Homer looks over at Cain, who smiles and nods.
(giggles) MAN: What is this? I leave for two seconds to get chocolate martinis, and my wife is expertly seduced by this pork empanada! (gasps) What do I do? Squirt that lemon in his eye! You think a lemon will stop me?! A lime! No! (laughing) Did you see the guy? (humming) Marge, what brings you to the S.
N.
P.
P.
? Homie's been working so hard.
I thought I'd bring him a special lunch.
Marge, you're a blue angel.
And I'm not talking ' about those pilots that hot dog in an air show while the real men are in combat.
But I gotta ask: where's Homer working? Here, right? Not since Burns gave him that time off.
What is this? Week six? What?! I knew there was a reason he was leaving on time! Oh, I can't believe this! (tires squeal) What'd you say to her? I don't know.
I thought I was making small talk.
But it turned out to be big talk.
(Krusty, chimpanzee grunting loudly) What?! Krusty! This once-vibrant young bully won't even live to pick on kids in junior high! Because he's been eating nothing but your food! Atta boy! (coughs) Got any fries, man? I just need a couple.
Not my responsibility.
He didn't have to order that crap.
We've got yogurt and salad on the menu! Do you actually serve those items? No.
Mmm All right, kid, to make this right, I'm gonna hook you up with my personal trainer.
Billy, get this kid into superhero shape! Hugh Jackman Wolverine? I'm not made of money.
Alicia Silverstone Batgirl? He's that now.
(tires screech) (humming) (gasps) Busy day at work? Did you get a lot of work done, workerman? What do I do? What do I do?! Take her by those shoulders she never covers and tell her the truth.
You're right, Marge, I lied.
Don't give me that load of Huh? I got a head injury at work, and they gave me eight weeks paid vacation.
Head injury?! Why didn't you tell me? And I spent all that time learning how to be a better husband.
The kind of husband you deserve.
Wha? Kiss her.
Kiss her while I watch.
(gasps) (both moaning) Mmm HOMER: The three of us are going to the most romantic restaurant in town.
This car's so clean! I'm not getting flea bites on my ankles! I have bug-bombed the car for m'lady.
(giggles) MARGE: Whoo! Whoo! (grunts) (gasps) (groans) We meet again! Looking for this? He won't be out for long.
Flee, my love! (panting) Why is he trying to kill you, and why did she call you her love? It was all a training exercise to make me smooth for you.
Of course, she fell for me, and of course, I wanted no part of her.
Now the only one who can help us is Stradivarius Cain.
The guy from the movie? I'll explain later.
Strad, come back! I know you're in there! No.
Not you.
Big fan, but no.
Cleatus the football robot, you're my only hope! (Fox NFL theme plays) No one likes you! (machinery whirs) DRUG LORD: How can a fat man hide so well? (hushed): Strad, where are you? You can handle him, Homer.
Just remember what I taught you.
When I was in special ops, they held me in an Afghan prison where all I could see was a patch of blue sky.
But that blue was nothing compared with the blue of your eyes.
I cannot kill a poet like you.
And you are a very lucky woman.
This is why I always say "mingle at parties.
" It's how I met Greg Kinnear.
Ay! With the Greg Kinnear again.
Can't friends talk about friends? He is not your friend! Then why did he say he'd call me when he comes to Bolivia? (sighs) We used to be like them.
Mmm.
So, how many more weeks do you have off? Actually, I was supposed to be back last week.
(laughs) We'll just wait for the call from Human Resources.
I guess my work here is done.
But Stradivarius Cain will return in "Lisa Gets a B Plus.
" (gunshot) I knew you were mad at me.
At the risk of inflaming Sister Fate, this bully-free period has been an Arcadian idyll! Here, here! Idyll! (gasping) Ha-ha! (grunts) (gasping, clamoring) (Nelson, kids grunting) I administer with this nose.
This is a happy ending? Well, he's tough on nerds, but easy on the eyes.
What'd you just say? Nothing.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Ned 'n' Edna's Blend
The Simpsons s23e21 Episode Script
Ned 'n' Edna's Blend
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (yells) (panting) (couch squawks) (Bart grunts) (yells) DIRECTOR: Okay, people, we are trying to depict the sizzling final days of the Nathan Lane of the New Testament, Jesus Christ.
Now remember, this is the Passion Play, not The Phone It In Play.
not the I Once Had Three Shows on Broadway Simultaneously But I Blew All My Money on Coke and Now Here I Am Play, so let's do this thing! Hi.
My name is Milhouse Van Houten, and I am auditioning for the role of Child Who Points.
Yeah, okay, point stage left.
I prepared right! Well, I better get going.
This is starting to feel a little churchy.
Why do we have to audition for the stupid play, and Dad gets to leave? I already have my part.
Man Who Buys Ticket, But Doesn't Show Up.
Also, the Passion Play isn't stupid.
It's the greatest story ever told.
Maybe it was once, but now there's lots of better stories.
Hitler mashups! And Lenny's story about Cancun.
Yeah, why aren't we doing Lenny's story? That thing's hilarious.
Not so hilarious for me.
I nearly lost a toe.
That's what you get for having a monkey give you a foot massage.
My bucket list is my business.
Next audition! Ah-ha-ha.
Name's Ned Flanders.
Credits include Jesus in the Passion Play last year, Jesus in the Passion Play the year before that, Jesus, Jesus, a kindly hobo who turns out to be-- you guessed it-- Saint Peter Enough! Enough, already.
I'm so bored I'm ready to introduce myself to my two assistants here.
You will be a non-speaking Pharisee.
But-but-but Jesus didn't stammer! His voice hit the back of the theater! He was a god who turned water into wine and did not wear shoes.
Ooh! He said simple things that many followed.
Just like me on Twitter! (chuckles) And he was tragically killed while still in his 30s D'oh! after an all-night dinner.
Woo-hoo! I'm your Jesus! Me! Boom.
Done.
This guy's perfect! You understand why God would have forsaken him.
(chuckling) Well, congratulations, Homer.
I guess this is just my cross to bear.
What's that a reference to? Oh! Ooh, nice and roomy.
Our Lord sure knew how to keep 'em cool.
Dad? Yes, sweetie? First of all, congratulations on getting the lead.
Whee! Whee! I just hope you're going to take this seriously.
Oh, yes, Lisa.
Very seriously.
Whee! Dad, the story of the Passion is the cornerstone of the Christian faith.
And although I personally follow the enlightened teachings of Lord Buddha, messing with Jesus really gets people mad.
It's like wearing a Florida State jersey to a Florida game.
(gasps) O Lord, why have you placed this fearsome burden on my shoulders? (sobbing) It'll be fine.
Just learn your lines.
Does Jesus have a big part in this thing? He's in every scene.
What? (sobbing loudly) Why do I succeed at everything I audition for? Dear Lord, I know you see all, but trust me, You do not want to see this.
And so our Lord was brought before Pontius Pilate.
What's he in for? He calls himself "King of the Jews.
" Oh, boy.
Okay, be straight with me.
You can probably plead this down to crucifixion.
Do you call yourself King of the Jews? Thou sayest it.
(exclaiming) He's good.
Wow, I'm so moved I renounce science, with the facts, and the peer reviews, and the hypotheses tested by evidence.
What shall I do then with Jesus, which is called Christ? Crucify him! They cannot judge me.
Only my father can judge me.
Crucify him! I'll take you with me, old man! Jesus was handed a heavy cross, and upon his brow was placed a crown Ooh! of thorns.
What the? (groans) (crying) Daughters of Jerusalem! Weep not for me, but weep for yourselves.
You know, Homer's giving it the old Bible-college try.
Maybe I should've dialed down the Doubting Thomas.
Silence, Pharisee! (grunting) Looks like someone didn't follow the underwear rule! This man is totally the Son of God.
Tonight you shall be at my right hand in heaven.
All right! It pays to network at these things.
Jesus cried again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.
(cries out in anguish) (quietly): Lord, forgive me for my pride.
All wise as always, you have rightly raised Homer above me.
Never again will I question (yells) Out of my way, stupid Flanders! Ow! Ah, I knew we should've done Spamalot.
I'm not licked.
I'll just make them think this was planned.
(imitates drum brushes) Who's to say This didn't happen Who's to say And curtain! Diddily doodily No atheist blood, please.
Sorry, ma'am, only members of the immediate family allowed in.
It's okay.
She's my wife.
(gasping) Ned and Edna, married? That's right.
Ha! CROWD: Wow! Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Dad.
You remember when you said if Flanders got remarried you'd eat your hat? Uh-oh.
Ooh, licorice! Mmm, historically inaccurate.
Well, it was nice having a secret marriage while it lasted.
Well, sir, now we'll have an open marriage! Um you do know what that means? No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich wouldn't steer us wrong.
At least in the hospital we can just enjoy a nice, quiet moment together.
(chuckling) Congratulations, you two! We're so, so happy for you.
Welcome to marriage.
(laughs) Another good man bites the dust.
Homer! I'm talking about this guy! Oh, I sure envy him.
Homer! I mean, I envy Flanders, once again enjoying the joys of marriage.
Let's put it to a vote, America.
Enough with the voting.
Ned, Edna, why didn't you tell us? 'Cause everyone in this town makes such a big heckabaloo out of everything.
Nedding bells are ringing.
See what happens when Teachy met Preachy on Channel 6, your source for news-based puns.
I was just down the hall getting some very bad news, and I saw there was a party going on.
Congratulations from the Mayor.
Vote Quimby.
Many happy returns! Hope you're both happy.
Edna, as the runner-up in the race for your heart, I would like to make a toast.
My Dearest, let me be the first to offer you the hearty handshake that would've climaxed our own wedding day Seymour, did you use my wig glue to patch your shoes again? I tied them together with used dental floss, as per your memo! Everybody out.
Now! (grumbling) Not you.
Mmm.
O Lord, please bless our blended family.
And thank you for "cigarette mommy.
" Oh, honey, please don't call me that.
Okay, "do-over mommy.
" Boys, you will please call your new mother whatever she feels comfortable with.
How about "Edna?" It's disrespectful to call a grown-up by their first name.
BART: Yo, Homer, Mom says get your fat ass over to the Flanders'.
Bart! Don't call me that! Which one? "Homer" or "fat ass"? HOMER: Why, you little They're both bad, and I suspect you know it! BART: Get your hands off of me, you fat ass! (doorbell rings) Ned, Edna.
We just want to apologize (growling) for the commotion in your room.
People here do not respect boundaries.
Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop? Sorry.
Well, we're here to offer to throw you a little party in your honor.
A little party might be fun.
The only guests at our wedding were Ned's parents.
Look at those squares, makin' it nice and legal.
We didn't need a piece of paper! We had a paper, Nedward.
We just rolled it and smoked it.
Oh, yeah.
We got high-diddily-high on that reeferino.
Less news from the pews.
Okay, Simpsons.
Well, call me a cock-eyed optimist 'cause I think some sort of celebration party might possibly be fun! Great! We'll take care of everything.
We'll just need to borrow your punch bowl, your portable dance floor, your banner printer, banner ink, and a ream of blank banners.
Okay, there's no school; your dad's at work; and it's really coming down.
Anyone for Scrabble? Only God can make words.
Right, right.
Yahtzee? Dice are Satan's bones.
What the hey, Mrs.
K? Thank God, a real kid.
You want my advice on dealing with the Hardly Boys? Why do you care? I don't.
I'm just bored watching worms drown.
Okay, what do you got? Well, what you got to do is get them into the real world.
Skipping is cool! Especially when you're holding hands with your brother.
If you don't act now, when they grow up, people like me are gonna take all their money and girlfriends.
Oh, come on.
They're not that hopeless.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! (whimpers) This is my third-favorite wedding supply store.
Whoo! Look at these.
"Extreme weddings.
"Triathlon "Zero-G Tie the knot at the top of Mount Everest"? It's extreme enough for me when they smear the wedding cake on each other's faces.
So, Marge, the rumors are true.
Why did you get to throw a party for Ned and Edna and not me? Well, you're all invited so you can make your snippy comments while you eat my hors d'oeuvres.
Snippy? How can you say that in those shoes? (grunts) They have Itchy and Scratchy weddings? (laughing) Ready to go home, Ned? I'm sorry, honey, but I'm stuck in this meeting of the Springfield LGBT.
The left-gifted bidextrous and transhanded community.
We're trying to decide on the theme for our Left is Right parade.
"Ourcissors, Ourselves.
" How about, "Death to Righties"? We have to live among them.
To live among them is to die.
(all arguing) Oh, this could go late.
We haven't even ordered pizzas and pop yet.
Could you handle Rod and Todd's parent-teacher conference for me? Sure, I'd love to be the parent for once.
Now I can bring a latte and leave the cup on the desk.
Ha! (glass breaks) Sorry.
I'm still a pre-op transhander.
TEACHER: Well, I must say at this school we've never seen a step-parent before.
Look, I'm a chalk jockey, too, so don't slap ketchup on bread and tell me it's Pizza Friday.
You teach with that mouth? Yes.
I teach at Springfield Elementary, and we believe that Public school? Well, I'll be a monkey's unrelated creature.
Well, we'll fit you into our school prayers.
You do have science here, right? We sure do.
Behold advanced astronomy.
You pulled the boys out of school? Ned, I know I should have consulted you, but that school is beneath them.
Take my word as a teacher of 15 years.
Well, sir, when we got married, I knew I'd find some spices in my chili.
I guess they can go to Springfield Hellementary.
Oh! Mm-hmm.
(moaning) Why are we here, Neddy? Well, first of all, I think talking dogs are the spawn of the devil.
Yeah, but Secondly, we're watching my little Toddy graduate from college.
Oh, now aren't you glad you let Edna take charge of the boys' education? Yep, it's lucky she's not in my taxes 'cause I underestimated her.
Wait a minute.
Liberal professors, feminist workshops, abstract sculptures.
This isn't a Midwestern Bible college.
This is an elite East Coast university.
It's okay, Daddy.
I majored in religious studies.
Whew! Comparative religious studies.
(screams) (tires screech) Give me your keys! Maybe I'll just park it myself.
Why are you parking yourself? Why are you parking yourself? We haven't taken in one car all day.
You really put on a great reception, Marge.
It's like the happy flashback in a gritty cop thriller.
Thank you.
Everyone's having a great time.
Uh-oh.
Helen, have a canapÃ©.
There's enough for everyone.
But not too much.
(chuckles) (gasps) (both giggling) Yar No weird hookups! Call me! I'm married to the sea, and I'm seeing two of the Great Lakes on the side.
I won't say which ones, but it's eerie how superior they are.
So how do the boys like Springfield Elementary? Marge, it's wonderful.
They're opening up, they've seen a wider world.
I wrote with a Flair pen.
(chuckles) Well, that's just great, boys.
Now come over here so Mrs.
Simpson can take a photo.
Make sure our temporary tats are in the picture.
Mine's a sassy princess who speaks her mind.
Oh! Mine's a duck with no pants.
What if we were raptured right now? Ned, I said it was okay.
Yeah, chillax, Daddy.
Chillax? Young man in the Flanders' house we speak the King's diddily.
Time for cake! Let's finish this sucker up.
You get my boys tattoos, you change their school, you buy Rod sneakers that light up like Times Square.
Shoes are shoes and lights are lights.
Now just when do I get a say in how my boys are raised?! This marriage isn't perfect! (phones beeping) No video! Party over! Cake! Too late, Marge.
Mm! Ned, these boys trust me to be their mother.
You'd better decide whether you do.
(gasps) And that's that.
Another story in the classic, infallible three-act structure.
Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for the Simpsons.
Mr.
Syzslak, I have a feeling there's gonna be one more act to this story.
Well, I'm not hanging around for that.
Four acts Ned, how did you sleep? Fine, I guess.
Thanks for loaning me your pajamas, Homer.
And Marge, thank you for those helpful chip bag clips.
(clacking) I just felt so ashamed, I couldn't go home.
Yesterday I gave in to the one thing I vowed I would never have in my marriage: strong feeling.
Here's your lunches with some cake.
You'll be having cake for a long, long time.
Bart, aren't you gonna tell Mom and Dad about the problem you have? Shut up! I'm just saying it won't get better unless you talk to an adult.
Maggie knows how to keep a secret.
Why can't you? Bart, is there something you want to tell us? Oh, Marge, let the kid have his embarrassing secrets and lies.
That is totally irresponsible parenting.
Not according to the Internet.
Where on the Internet? I'm sure some idiot somewhere agrees with me.
Why would you believe him? Because his avatar is Darth Maul, the second-coolest Darth.
And what he says is true because it's in all caps.
Are you gonna argue with caps? Why does that make it right? He took the time to press the shift key, Marge.
I think he knows what he's talking about.
So after all this time together you two still haven't agreed on how to raise your kids? Ned, I realized long ago there are some things Homer and I will never completely agree on.
(chuckles) Yeah, but we make sure never to go to bed hungry.
It's "angry.
" Don't tell me what our thing is! It's about not agreeing on something.
I've always said hungry! Bart, just tell us the problem.
I'm keeping a dolphin in my bathtub! I thought I heard clicks and pops! (microphone feeds back) Children, your test scores are down because we've been having so many assemblies, you haven't had time to study.
This assembly will remedy that.
We've invited a few friends over to give you some musical cues.
(piano plays bouncy intro) I'm Sally Scantron Sheet.
And I'm Peter Pencil.
Now, you didn't hear it from us, but the answers to the test are (to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"): A, B, D, D, C, A, B Are you just giving them the answers? They still have to sign their names properly, so we're not totally out of woods.
Pause the assembly! I have to talk to my wife.
Ned? My rival.
Some rivalry.
It's like Secretariat versus a can of dog food.
Edna, I'm sorry and I'll say it in front of God or groundskeeper Willie.
Oh, Ned, I'm sorry, too.
I overstepped your boundaries.
I guess I never really truly cared about children before.
(all gasp) Oh, get over it.
And Ned, I'll be exactly as much mom as you want me to be.
Hey, the Simpsons make it up as they go along, and they're as happy as a ribbon in a Bible.
What do you say, sweetie? Ha! Mmm Mmm (cheering) Now in our 50th location in Springfield.
Sleazy Sam would like to welcome our special grand-opening star, Jesus.
Welcome, money changers.
You can trust Sleazy Sam for the best rates, or my name isn't Jesus H.
Ow! Are you gonna do that every time I open one of these? SINGERS: Hens love roosters, geese love ganders Everyone else loves Ned Flanders (record needle skips) NED: My mustache is bristly, my letters are epistly And I don't want to mislead you I like to hug and kissly EDNA: Ha! First base, yo, I like Christian rap A Bible on my lap HOMER: Will you stop this stupid crap? I want to take a nap.
NED: Okely-dokely.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 23  >  Lisa Goes Gaga
The Simpsons s23e22 Episode Script
Lisa Goes Gaga
(quacking) The Simpsons.
(grunting) (angry grunt) NARRATOR: See that town? Goes by the name of Springfield.
Birthplace of the brass knuckle, the Nigerian Prince scam, and putting a tomato on your grilled cheese sandwich.
(humming) Our story begins not long ago on what seemed like a typical day.
Ralphie, please.
That's not for people, son.
(barking) Aw, he's a dumb kid, but he's an above-average dog.
Roll over, son.
Yay! Aw, nobody saw.
NARRATOR: But little did they know, a change was coming.
First, the creatures of the Earth sensed it, then the fish of the deep.
Then the Mormons got a heads-up.
And then everybody else.
Strange doin's, Mother.
Horses are spooked, cows ain't milkin', and look what the chickens laid.
FARMWIFE: Sparkle eggs?! (wind whistles) Storm's a-comin'.
Ain't no storm, Pa.
It's The Lady Gaga Express! (Lady Gaga's Poker Face plays) PISTONS (chanting): She's-a-star! She's-a-star! She's-a-star! She's-a-star! Presenting the Queen of the Hottieverse, appearing courtesy of Interscope Records, Lady Gaga! At ease.
Conductor, you know the rules.
Take off some clothes.
Oh, uh, yes, ma'am.
sorry, ma'am.
Now, what's our status? We are about to pass through uh, Springfield.
Springfield? What's their deal? Hm, let's see, quiet suburb Really? Aw That's so sad.
And as entertainers, it is our solemn duty to cheer them up for a little while.
Gaga, it's my job to keep you away from ugly bumps on the map like Springfield.
Don't worry, we'll get you right on a plane.
No! Don't you remember what happened at LaGuardia? Ready.
Yeah, well, uh, you missed your flight.
Then we'll party on the boarding ramp! (party music playing) Wait! I quit! We spend 90 minutes training 'em and off they go.
I just can't ignore a billboard in pain.
We're stopping in Springfield! But No buts! NARRATOR: Well, Lady Gaga couldn't arrive soon enough for one Lisa Simpson.
Now let's turn to the ever-unpopular "Popularity Awards," the awards voted by students, in judgment of their peers.
No way that can go wrong.
First up, Campus Clown.
(laughing) Bart Simpson.
(Simpsons theme plays) That's my brother.
(chuckles) Four years out of four.
(camera shutter clicks) Prank you! Prank you very much! (pops) (growls) (audience laughs) BART: Call back.
I fail to see the honor in this.
Aren't awards shows rather silly? What?! Without awards shows, how would I know what movie has the best beheading, or that Glee is a comedy? And now the award for Least Popular Student.
Lisa Simpson! What? Least Popular? (sobbing) I gotta go.
You probably should accept it, Lisa.
They'll go easier on you if you do.
(sobbing): Um Thank you for noticing me.
(all laughing) She actually accepted it! You said they'd take it easy on me.
I know very little about children.
We've got to cheer up a whole town.
Where's the dress I wore when I met the Pope? It's nice, but I saw Jennifer Lopez wearing it.
Burn it.
Burn it now.
MAN: Help! Help! I've been on here since Chicago! I just want my life back! No negativity! Oh, you're right.
I'm missing a terrible winter! And that's how Berber carpet got its name according to some.
Lisa, how was your day? Um, can I be excused from holding up my end of the conversation? What's wrong with her? She just found out no one likes her.
(loud whisper): I thought she knew.
Hey, Lisa, maybe you'd feel a little better if you read the Daily Fourth Gradian Message Board, huh? Let's see.
"Uncensored Jump-rope Chants.
" Oh, there's a whole thread labeled "Lisa Simpson"! (muttering) Wha? Ay carumba.
Somebody's actually on your side! (chokes) "Lisa doesn't judge other people.
Why should we judge her?" It's signed, "Truth Teller.
" Whoever this "Truth Teller" is, I'm a fan.
It takes a lot of courage to post nice things anonymously.
You know, it seems like more than a coincidence that Milhouse brought it to our attention.
Hm? (chuckles) Well, I certainly wish I was Truth Teller.
But if I was, you'd know, because I can't keep a secret.
I sleep under my bed every night 'cause I'm scared of the cars from Cars.
If gasoline is their food, then why do they have teeth?! So, Lisa, I guess you're not as unpopular as we thought.
Yep.
Message boards are never wrong.
Well, um, maybe we should skip rope together.
Dutch? BOTH: Double Dutch.
(gasps) Forgive a fool her tears.
Hey, Lis, some fifth graders are having a make-your-own pizza party at Flesh-In-The-Pan Pizza, and wanted me to invite you.
Fifth graders? Ooh-la-la! They get to put their desks in a circle! And read books where the parents are divorced.
That joint is jumpin'.
So, when's the party? (gasps) "Lisa rocks, and so does her rock collection.
" Huh? (gasps) That's mine! This notebook is full of things Truth Teller said.
Give that back! This one says "post next Friday.
" (gasps) Oh, my God! You're Truth Teller! (kids gasp) Lisa, what you did is like my mom sticking ten bucks in her own G-string.
Truth Teller? More like Lie Smeller! KIDS (chanting): Lie Smeller! Lie Smeller! Oh, great, it stuck! (sobbing) Take five.
(soda can tabs pop) Hey, easy on the soda.
I don't want gassy demons like last night.
Jerry.
(moans) Wait a minute No! No, no! (moans) Brrr Make it stop! Oh! Oh Someone in Springfield needs my help.
Light up the after-bras.
That's it, I am off of this stuff.
Me, too, sweetheart.
Kids? Yes, Mama.
No exceptions! Kent Brockman reporting live from the Springfield rail yards, where Lady Gaga's fabulous freighter has bumped and grinded its way into town.
Suffice it to say, this is the most culturally significant train to stop here since the McKinley funeral cortege paused to pick up casket ice.
Now, sweetie, don't make a big deal out of this.
I stopped reading after "Top Student.
" Want to honk your jazz tube? Oh, what is the point? I think this is the end of me.
All I had was my integrity.
And now that's gone.
(sobbing): I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
I try not to cry till you're asleep.
I appreciate that.
(groans) (sobbing): Look, if I could just spend a few days in my room without anyone trying to cheer me up, I think I might have a chance to Hey, why don't we go see Lady Gaga? That'll turn your frown upside down.
It's not a frown.
It is a straight line of resignation.
Looks just the same upside down.
What are you talking about? Y-You're right! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Dad, if you really want to help, please stop trying to help.
I will, but you know me and my crazy number thing where I always have to get to 17.
Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Whoops, I lost count.
Better start again.
Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! (sighs) CROWD (chanting): Gaga-oo-la-la.
Gaga-ra-ma-ma.
Come on, Lisa, come on.
I'm sorry, I don't really want to be here.
Claws up, Springfield! Never forget, you're all my Little Monsters! Uh, actually, I'm half monster, half Armenian.
Pick your poison.
And you should love yourselves as much as I love you, because Tell us in song.
Because With theatricality.
Come on, I woke up for this.
CROWD: Four! Three! Two! Where are they going with this? CROWD: One! (gasps) (sighs) Ah! When they're young All little monsters learn that they are scary Ugly, stupid, shunned by cupid, overweight and hairy But every monster needs to find that secret deep inside That transforms Dr.
Jekyll into sexy Mr.
Hyde All my monsters are beautiful Disco Stu-tiful Square root-iful Old coot-iful I love you, Lady Zsa Zsa! Monsters don't need implants or a bitchin' monster car Monsters only need to love the monster that they are Oh, yeah Gaga Dada Jawa Peace! (crowd cheers) Ew.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! (whistles) BART: All right! Lie Smeller! Lie Smeller! (sobbing) Does everyone love themselves? (crowd cheers) That kind of thing sounds hollow from anyone but you! Now, we have to get going.
Wait a minute.
No.
No, no! (moans) (sings powerful melody) GAGA: You! What's wrong, honey? Please, I've had enough attention for one day! Yo, lighting! I can't see the girl who's had enough attention.
We should go to your house and talk.
Incognito! Oh, God.
Psst! It's me, Gaga.
But no one must know.
HOODIE VOICE CHIP (monotone): Gaga.
Gaga.
Gaga.
So peaceful.
Just the buzzing of the paparazzi.
(cameras snapping) Hey, Gary.
How's your wife and kids? Still ashamed of me.
Big smile! This is where I live.
Well, hello.
It's one of those music industry superstars who's turning our innocent children into ladies of the night.
What sweater drawer did you crawl out of? (chuckles): Name's Ned Flanders, I've heard of you.
Haven't seen so much skin since shedding season on a snake farm.
But all I'm saying is that everyone is beautiful Yes, but Jesus said that pretty much the same thing.
Darn it, the Bible said the Devil would be attractive.
What makes you think I'm the Devil? Unless you're gonna slap some wieners on those, turn 'em off.
Joke's on you; I needed a trim.
(Gaga groaning) Bastards! Lisa, look at me.
So what if your number one supporter is you.
That's how it should be.
I had some very tough times myself before I became a superstar at age 22.
Everything is gonna be fine.
You better yet? (phone chimes) Sorry, gotta answer this text.
Please, take your time.
You know what you need? Solitude? Flash mob! Now, Lisa, if that didn't fundamentally change who you are, I don't know what.
You idiots! She meant we should disperse.
Lisa, you un-tattooed little miracle, I'm not leaving here until I restore your sense of hope.
Let me explain.
I have a chance for a grim but tolerable life, but only if I give up hope.
Now if you don't mind, and with all due worship, I would like to be alone.
Lady Gaga, meet your biggest threat: Baby Googoo.
Can I please be alone? Well, it worked once.
So, any ideas about Lisa? (sighs) I never have any idea what to do for Lisa.
To be the mother of someone who's so smart and so sensitive and who beautifully plays an instrument (sotto voice): I don't really care for, (sobbing): it's so hard.
I wish I was one of those young women who could just wave their hands in front of their eyes and not cry, because it doesn't work for me.
(yells) Marge (yells) Ah Ooh! Aah! Ooh! Marge.
Marge.
Marge.
Hm Marge, take it easy.
(groans) It's just human contact.
I'm afraid handholding isn't going to cheer me up.
Well, maybe this will.
Homer! Wow.
Wow.
This is like the night Hillary won the New Hampshire Primary.
Lisa snuck out.
I'm going after her.
(Homer grunting) What are you gonna say? HOMER: Whoo! Mm.
I'll just tell her that Stop it, Homer! Some of that meat is me.
Can I just trim the hem? (groans) It's yours.
Oh, good.
She's playing.
Not so good.
It's "Lisa Roulette.
" (kids shouting) Don't let her get you! Her eyes shoot loser lasers! (feigns gasping last breath) (chanting): There is no over-the-top.
There is no over-the-top.
Run! With an egg that big, there's gotta be an even bigger chicken! Lisa? Lisa, listen to me.
This pity party's being shut down by the smile police.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Why do you keep telling me what I'm gonna do? This isn't about me.
Well, who else would it be about? You! It's about "Hello, hello, Springfield.
" "It's me, Gaga!" "Why is everyone looking at my purple hair full of bluebirds?" Well, I denounce thee! Wha? I denounce thee for giving people ambitions they cannot fulfill.
And I denounce thee for positing a world where social acceptance and walking on heels are easy! Please, may we kill the kid? I denounce thee! I denounce thee! I denounce thee! Whoa, easy, little monster.
Don't "monster" me.
(all gasp) Whatever you say.
(sobbing) Are you crying glitter? Tiny diamonds.
(sobs) Hurts like hell.
(chanting): Gaga, Gaga, Gaga, Gaga HOMER: Okay Lisa, coming up to make things better! (grunting): Okay, I'm almost there.
Upward, ever upward.
(panting): Stay hydrated Oh, I'm on the wrong tree! (grunts) Okay, try again.
Here we go, okay.
(grunting and panting): Oh Lisa, can you come down? Sweetie, I've been thinking.
Now, this all started because you used a fake name to defend yourself.
The problem's not that you were cheating.
It's that you got caught.
I cheat on my diet, but nobody knows 'cause the damage is on the inside, and the first warning sign is sudden death.
So, honey, what do you say? Dad, thank you! Like always, the fact that I could tune you out without fearing I'd miss out on something gave me the time to take stock and realize how ungrateful I have been.
Which means, I've got a train to catch.
(chuckling): Parenting.
It's the one job you know you're always doing right.
So long, Springfield.
You are my Waterloo.
(crowd cheers) And now I'm just going to lie in bed and eat Fruit Roll-Ups.
Why is she doing in defeat what I do in victory? (whistle blowing) (chugging) Gaga! Lisa? Why are you here? To thank you.
For what? Look at me! You did help me by allowing me to inappropriately focus eight years of rage and rejection on you.
It was like a great sneeze.
And now I can say what's good about me.
And I can say it as Lisa Simpson! (gently): Just not that loud.
Go ahead.
Well, I am smart, nice, tolerant, funny but not "mean funny," and I never forget a birthday, even for kids who move away.
Now, Lisa, there's only one last thing you have to do to be a Little Monster.
I'll do anything but sing.
You are gonna sing! I used to think that I was stupid Worthless, weak and wrong A mockingbird without a song I was small inside and lacking pride On a one-way train to be Milhouse's bride End the song! End it right here! I love NPR and Jazz guitar Someday I'll design a solar car That's right, I'm Lisa Simpson, superstar! You've got a great big heart It's at the top of my chart BOTH: Lisa Simpson, Lisa Simpson Lisa Simpson Superstar Lisa Simpson, Lisa Simpson Lisa Simpson Superstar You're a superstar Wait, wait! Wait! (brakes screeching) (crowd gasps) Can you help me with my self-esteem? I'm not that good.
Right, gotcha.
(train horn blades) LISA: And the best thing is, (giggles) even if they weren't waving, it would be okay.
NARRATOR: I bet a lot of folks are wondering, did this story really happen? Well, it did.
And I know because I was one of Gaga's dancers.
The one with the spangliest crotch.
(yelling) Higher! (laughing) NARRATOR: I'm speaking fast because I'm so excited.
See Maggie Simpson in her first starring role in The Longest Daycare in 3D before Ice Age Continental Drift only in theaters.
We've already done the hardest part making the poster.
HOMER (improvises to "Poker Face"): I love my Homer face Yeah, that's what I said Right where it should be on the front of my head Stubble, muzzle, overbite, two eyes that really bug These are the components of my Homer-riffic mug D'oh-d'oh-e-d'oh-d'oh-d'oh, ohhh I shave it close, trim hairs from my nose D'oh-d'oh-e-d'oh-d'oh-d'oh, ohhh I clean my ears, 'cause that's how I hears I like my, I like my I really like my Homer face.
(murmuring) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  Elementary School Musical
The Simpsons s22e01 Episode Script
Elementary School Musical
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) It's 4:00 a.
m.
You kids should have been in bed a half-hour ago.
We're watching the Nobel Prize announcements live from Stockholm.
Ooh, the Nobies! (grunting) For Economics Jagdish Bhagwati.
Huzzah! I had him in the pool.
HOMER: Lucky.
Quiet! It's time for the noblest Nobel Prize of all: the Peace Prize.
I would kill for that.
And the Nobel Prize for Peace goes to Isn't this exciting? Krusty the Clown.
(gasping) BROCKMAN: And now, to comment on joining the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr.
, Ghandi, and Desmond Tutu, here's the man who always parks in my spot, Krusty the Clown! I'd just like to say: this thing is worth nearly two million dollars.
How do you like me now, Teen Choice Awards? Kent Brockman, Channel Six, and channelsix.
com.
Will you be flying to Norway to accept the prize? I'm looking forward to visiting the Arctic Circle, or as I call it, my wife's side of the bed! For the purposes of that joke, I'm married.
(guffawing) (laughing) (wheezing) (choking, coughing) Hey! You! Big Chief Laugh-at-Crap.
Meet me in my limo in five minutes.
(springs creaking) (laughing) Arctic Circle-- I just got that! All right, all right, settle down.
Homer, you're the easiest laugh I know.
How easy am I? Shut up! I'm gonna need you in the audience when I accept the Peace Prize in Oslo.
(gasps) Can my son come, too? He knows what to do when I swallow my tongue.
Eh, why not? They fight and bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy and Scratchy Show! They fight and bite? I never go to Europe without learning something.
Now listen, I need you two to hold these for me.
Your drugs put me to sleep.
Your drugs wake me up.
If I ask you to give me more, you say no.
If I ask you again, you give 'em to me.
Why aren't I going to Oslo? The Nobel Prizes are my freakin' thing.
But no, Bart gets everything because he's the oldest, and he's a boy.
And Maggie gets what's ever left over, because she's the youngest and she's a baby.
Meanwhile, I just stand and wave to people going to better places.
Would half a bottle of confiscated water cheer you up? Ew, no thanks.
Oh.
Quite the little princess, ain't she? (Lisa sighs) I'm just gonna chill out with a little This American Life.
I'm Ira Glass.
Remember when you were five years old, putting ketchup on your hot dog? Today, in five acts: condiments.
Act one, mustard.
Act two, mayo.
Act three, relish.
Act four, corn relish Mom, this isn't the way home.
Maybe we're not going home right away.
Oh, I get it.
LISA: They go to Oslo, we get some ice cream.
Well, you could get some ice cream, or spend a week at performing arts camp! Whoops-- didn't time that quite right.
(happy gasp) Oh, my God! Mom, thank you! I just need my (gasps) Did you really think I'd forget? Now have a great time.
Victory for the middle child! Aw, you think I forgot you? Babies shouldn't jump to conclusions.
(happy gasp) Hello? Hello? (screams) Huh? I I love the elegant pearls you wear And the starfish shape that constitutes your hair You'll Be staying in Cabin 12 And we think that you'll be very happy there.
CAMPERS: You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA Arts, arts, arts education You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA Arts, arts, arts education You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA Arts, arts, arts education You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA MAN: Knock, knock! Lisa, I'm Kurt, and this is Ethan.
We're the counselors- slash-musical directors- slash-community outreach liaisons- slash counselors.
KURT: You said counselors twice.
ETHAN: We do a lot of counseling.
Yeah, but we don't do twice as much counseling.
Well, don't question me in front of the children! She can't hear us, we're stage whispering.
I can hear you.
No, you can't.
Okay, Lisa, let's get your camp T-shirt.
All our camp T-shirts are medium Well, I hope you wear medium, girl-- huh! We should also find you a meal plan.
Meal-planning lady Plan my meals, baby Do you guys always do that? Do what? Sing what you just said, then play a little guitar riff? No, we don't do that We never do that Well, we sometimes do that But very infrequently, lady.
(vocal riff) How 'bout that airline food, huh? They should've called it "chicken cordon blech"! (weary laugh) Another good one.
Huh? Wait a minute This doesn't look like Oslo.
Where are the wood-stave churches? Historic Akershus Fortress? You are not in Oslo.
You are in Holland specifically, The Hague.
Did you say a Hague? I said The Hague.
(shrieks) What's going on? Where's my Nobel Prize? There is no prize.
It was merely a ruse to get you to Europe, so we could try you for the terrible crimes you've committed on this continent! It was all a setup! You gotta read me the charges! You dropped a monkey from the Eiffel Tower Uh-huh.
In Greece, you committed something called "aggravated hey-hey" Forgot about that one.
And here in Holland, you stole the entire act of our beloved clown "Van Kru sten.
" U bestolen al mijn jokenchortles! Gaah! Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! One of the most important skills a performer can learn is dealing with hecklers.
And action! Top of the evening, Officer Krupke.
Your dog's dead! Um that's not really a heckle.
Right, yeah, right.
I've seen more life in the Wellington Botanic Gardens! That is a heckle, but if you're not from New Zealand, it loses some of its sting.
How much? Well, most of it.
Do you think they won't know the reference? If they did know the Gardens, then they would know that they're teeming with life.
So, what do you guys do when you're not camp counselors? We're highly successful artists.
And as artists, we live in Springfield's most artistic borough Sprooklyn.
(impressed murmurs) We spend our days acting and painting dancing and sculpting playing my Gibson rehearsing my Ibsen.
Because, you see, young artists, Artists are the people who hold up a mirror Artists make society see its faults clearer Artists help stamp out oppression and wars And when we camp outdoors We make the best s'mores.
Three layers, Mother Nature.
Mmm Mmm Yeah, yeah.
Artists end poverty with music and dance Artists make art on the beaches of France I never knew artists were all so amazing Excuse me while I talk to this cow that is grazing I give art like you give milk (mooing) Everyone listens when artists are talking 'Cause artists are smarter than Mr.
Stephen Hawking (synthesized): Oh, yeah.
Break it down for me, fellas.
(synthesized music) (synthesized voice) : A brief history of rhyme.
Do you think that I could be an artist in the city? Hold on, Lisa, let me check with the committee So, what do you guys think? (moos) HAWKING: Yes.
I agree.
Yes, Lisa, you could be an artist in the world So move to the city when you're less itty-bitty, girl To the gritty city when you're less itty-bitty, girl The city's pretty gritty for an itty-bitty pretty girl.
(gavel banging) I am really, really sorry for everything I've been charged with and all the stuff you don't know about yet.
There is only one possible way to earn your freedom.
Oh, I get it.
Everyone's windmill needs a new blade now and then, right? No! Our windmills are the envy of the world! (low grunt) To win exoneration, you must prove that you have made a singular contribution to Western culture.
Western, huh? Did you ever see my "Wyatt Burp" sketch? Everyone on my payroll says it's great.
I am not familiar with this "Wyatt Burp.
" Oh, uh then, uh Let me do my "Dutch Oven" bit! It's about other Dutchmen, not you.
(chuckles weakly) You know, uh AIESHA: Those clouds look like a casting director saying, "You've got the part.
" That cloud looks like legendary Broadway lyricist Betty Comden.
I finally found the place I belong.
You're week's up.
Time to go home! (stunned gasp) It can't be Saturday already.
Monday was orientation.
Tuesday, we did mime.
Wednesday we did Mame.
Thursday we got attacked by bees.
Friday morning, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Elaine Stritch helped us make wallets.
Friday evening, we performed Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes.
Part One: Millennium Approaches.
Part Two Perestroika? That's right! Strike the set, pizza party, Saturday morning, and then (gasps) No! Good-bye, Lisa.
I'll miss you a lot, then a little, then not too much.
(strumming folk chords) Lisa, do you have to leave this minute? No time.
I don't want to get stuck behind the joggers from the fat camp.
(joggers panting, horns honking) (tires squealing, engine roaring) I can't go home.
Something happened this week that completely changed me.
Oh, you didn't see a boy lose his swim trunks, did you? No.
I fell in love with theater, dance, and song.
We've got plenty of songs in the car, by Maggie's favorite singer: Roofi.
Brush your teeth, comb your hair Have an apple or a pear Bup-up-up.
Safety locks.
Brush your teeth, comb your hair Have an apple or a pear Brush your teeth, comb your hair Have an apple or a pear (groans) Brush your teeth comb your hair Have an apple or a What's the matter, Lisa? You're usually the first one out of this death trap.
Well, the combination of me leaving arts camp and you driving on and off the shoulder has made me a little ill.
Sorry.
I guess I shouldn't be playing this driving game while I'm driving.
(tires squealing) (screaming) Okay, maybe it won't be that bad.
Hey Lisa, how was farts camp? (laughing) Farts camp-- that's great.
Arts camp was lovely.
Did you paint a picture on toilet paper? (laughing) (playing "My Country 'Tis of Thee" slowly & off-key) (playing up-tempo jazz solo) Lisa Simpson, please stick to the illegally Xeroxed sheet music.
But arts camp encouraged us to spread our wings and fly.
Lisa, I went to arts camp, too.
And all it does is fill your coconut with banana-cream dreams that can never come true.
How do you cope? (whimpers) Vanilla Wafers, plum wine and take it from the top.
My country 'tis of thee Life disappointed me I'm 53.
We gotta find a clip that proves Krusty's made a cultural contribution.
Let's see what we've got here.
Ah, here we are-- Top to bottom, left to right, readin' things is outta sight.
Speaking of out of sight, you've gotta hide me.
I slept with the lighting director's wife, and (funky jazz playing) (noisy chewing, smacking) No appetite, honey? It's just dinner conversation at arts camp was a bit more stimulating.
One night we spoke only in lines from famous poems.
Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me.
Emily Dickinson.
No, I was just describing my day.
(sighs) If you need me, I'll be upstairs saying good-bye to my dreams.
My dream is to be able to walk up stairs like an eight-year-old girl.
(moans) Maggie, your big sister is leaving for a more artistic life.
I'll send for you when I'm famous.
We'll take the town by storm, like the Bronte sisters.
Oh, Maggie, don't ever turn two.
("Rhapsody in Blue" playing) (car alarms blaring) Aha! (panting) (whimpers nervously) Lisa Simpson.
What are you doing here? I came to share in the esteem that the world bestows on its artists.
Uh, yeah.
Brrr! Boy, it sure is cold in here.
No heat.
It's, uh, part of our art.
(two gunshots) (man groaning) More art.
Ethan, look what I stole from work.
Yes! Tomatoes? What kind of artists are you? Sandwich artists.
But we get to eat any sandwiches we drop on the floor.
Unless we drop them on purpose.
They've got cameras on us at all times.
Are you saying that arts camp was a lie? Well, not the swimming.
Look, Lisa, I think it's time we can sang you the truth.
Artists are the least important people in the world So whatever you do, don't be an artist, girl Artists make a living dressing up like a falafel Artists shed a tear When they're called something awful You ain't no falafel! Artists sit in jail, on a lifetime hitch The only way out is become a prison snitch Oh, why did I sing that out loud? What I don't get is Why all the lies We wanted you to think We were happening guys.
(sniffles) Well, philosophically, we're happening, in the sense that we exist.
Not for long, if we don't drop more sandwiches.
CHIEF MAGISTRATE: Herschel Krustofsky, you stand accused of the most heinous crimes known to clowndom.
Have you anything to say in your defense? I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I've led a worthless life.
I've been this way since I was a little squirt! Heh? Heh? Come on, I thought you Euro-jerks loved unfunny comedy.
We don't put "Euro" in front of everything.
Euro-guards! Take him away in Euro-cuffs.
Wait! Not so fast! We found something to save Krusty! And it's on this DVD.
Is it region one or region two? Uh, what region is America? Region one.
Woo-hoo! (chanting): We're region one! We're region one! Well, this is region two, so I'm afraid your exculpatory evidence will produce nothing more than an error message stating "unreadable disc.
" If it please the court, my brother has a multi-region player.
I just pray he's not on a state-mandated five-week vacation.
(ticking) (lively band music playing) (clanging) Get this back to me by 6:00.
I'm having a Real Housewives of Atlanta season two party.
My dressing room has regular potato chips, but my contract specifically stated half regular, half ruffled! Krusty, please Forget it! Forget it! The gig's off! I ain't gonna play Sun City.
Vuvuzela me out of here.
(vuvuzelas blowing) Three days later, South Africa freed Nelson Mandela from prison.
Krusty the Klown, your selfishness has saved the world.
Case dismissed.
I'm just glad you all finally saw what an amazing human being I am.
Now, where's the nearest place I can score a little victory weed? That would be the courthouse cafeteria.
I'll be right there.
Order me, um, a raspberry crepe and a brick of hash.
How do you smoke it? I melt it and inject it into my eyelid.
Hey, you're all right.
(dog howling nearby) Playing guitars Playing guitar, guitars It's hard to sing while playing Guitars Guitars.
What's she doing with her hands? It's called applause.
I'm not sure I like it.
MARGE: Lisa? Are you in here? Mom! Take me home! (door creaks shut) Hi.
I'm Moe.
It's good that little kid left, 'cause this song is gonna get into a very dark area.
(playing minor-key chords) Good-bye, guys.
I'll try again when I'm older.
Remember us for our exaggerations, not our reality.
And we gave you a little surprise for your trip back.
Is it your laundry? Okay, two surprises.
(tires squeal) In a way, I think we learned more from her than she did from us.
Yeah, well, obviously, because we taught her nothing.
Lisa, look! Oh Thanks, guys.
How did we get way up here? Weren't we just back there? The magic of art.
(jet engines whooshing) (door creaks, bell tinkles) Sorry we're late.
Oops.
(quietly): Nice one.
It's hard to sing while playing Guitars Guitars.
Artists are the people who hold up a mirror Artists make society see its faults clearer Ha, ha, ha Artists help stamp out oppression and war And when we camp outdoors We make the best s'mores Three layers, Mother Nature Mmm, mmm Yeah, yeah Artists end poverty with music and dance Artists make art on the beaches of France LISA: I never knew artists were all so amazing KURT: Excuse we while I talk to this cow that is grazing I give art Like you give milk (cow mooing) LISA: Do you think that I could be An artist in the city? Hold on, Lisa, let me check with the committee Yes, Lisa, you can be an artist in the world So move to the city when you're less itty-bitty, girl The city's pretty gritty for an itty-bitty pretty girl.
(cow moos)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  Loan-a-Lisa
The Simpsons s22e02 Episode Script
Loan-a-Lisa
(squawks) (shrieks) (school bell ringing) (belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) (horn beeps) (gasps) D'oh! ALL: Hmm? (all gasp) (siren wailing) (tires squealing) (tires screeching) (guns cocking) MAN: Number two.
(Homer grunts) (playing blues harmonica) ("Wedding March" plays) (all cheer) (romantic music plays) (yelling) (laughs) (lute playing soft arpeggios) (yelling and screaming) (yelling) (kids laugh) BART: Aw Oh, I thought we were going to breakfast.
First we're visiting Grampa.
No fair! We just went to church! Yeah, so we've already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didn't happen.
Oh! I have an important announcement to make.
I've had a lot of time to think since my hands got too shaky to play cards.
D'oh! It's not your fault, Grampa.
These cards are too slippery.
See? (groaning) Damn it! Anywhen, I've decided to give you all your inheritance now.
(excited murmurs) Are you sure about that, Grampa? (chuckles) I just want to see the look on your faces when I share with you the fruits of a lifetime of labor.
(humming to himself) That's your life savings?! This won't even cover the vig on what I owe! Well, I lost the rest investing in a Broadway musical based on the real-life story of Eddie Gaedel, the midget who had one big league at-bat.
I even wrote a song for American League president Will Harridge! (jazzy show tune plays) What do I do with this damn little man? His strike zone's the size of a tuna fish can! His strike zone's the size of a tuna fish can.
Now remember what Grampa said: you can spend the money any way you want.
(chuckles) I just paid some loser 50 bucks to walk up the down escalator all day.
(humming to himself) I bet it's 11:00.
I bet it's 11:00! Oh, 9:15?! Hmm, I think I'll look for a new handbag.
(humming to herself) Ooh, so many celebrities have their own label: Princess Penelope, Booberella, The Real Housewives of Ogdenville, even Scratchy.
Oh I wonder how much that one is.
Gotta look without looking like I'm looking.
(gasps) Yes! I'd like this bag, please.
Marge Simpson! Are you buying a Marc Fredericks signature handbag? Why wouldn't I? Well those bags are pretty pricey.
Hey, my husband makes good money, and we can certainly afford That'll be $500.
(gasps) Oh, I didn't realize What's the matter, Marge? Just remembered your husband's not a doctor? Oh, my God, you are so burned! I'll take it! ALL: Ooh! Well done, Marge.
If you're looking for a bag hag, I'm your man.
Okay? But stay on my good side, girlfriend.
Or uh-oh! HOMER: $500?! That's, like, ten dead Grampas! Some of us stuck to our limit, Marge.
And I would've loved to rent this carpet cleaner another day! Is that the cat in there?! Well, it's a cat.
I'm not sure it's the cat.
(yowls) Don't worry, Homer, I'll return the handbag first thing tomorrow.
You know what, honey? Just because we can't afford to keep that handbag doesn't mean that you two can't have one night at the most glamorous place in town.
(light piano music playing) (sighs) Right this way.
(humming to himself) (grunts) Well, at least it's a good place to see celebrities.
It's not what you think! I'm researching a movie where I play myself.
(sighs) Wait a minute.
Is that bag Marc Fredericks? Mm-hmm.
You know, a much nicer table just opened up! (grunts) Hmm! (chuckles) After Bart, that bag's the best mistake we ever made.
I'm gonna go, uh, study the menu.
Heh.
So, I want to honor Grampa by giving my inheritance to charity.
But which one? Ooh, what's this? MALE ANNOUNCER: Most banks are for the haves, not the have-nots.
I'm sorry, but we simply can't accept your collateral.
I am just a goat, but even I know that a peasant in an emerging economy can't get a break.
She needs a microloan.
A guilty first-worlder lends $50 or more to the Microloan Bank, who uses it to help my owner finance her business.
Working together, we can help people help themselves! And now, apparently, I am a girl.
(giggling) (giggling, gasping) Mmm (chuckling continues) Hmm.
Come on, Marge, let's hit the buffet.
You go ahead; I'll stay here.
If I get something on this handbag, I won't be able to return it.
Oh, you don't want to wait for that buffet.
Wiggum's making his move! (grunting) I need backup, Lou.
(over radio): Get two plates and follow me.
(quietly): Uh, Chief, not now; I'm undercover.
Oh, it's like that, huh? The minute you go undercover, you act like you don't even know me! He'll turn on you, too, Fat Tony, you just wait! (nervous laugh) Mm, I suppose I should get something to eat.
(gasps) Hey! Waah! (gasping) Oh, thank God! I can take that for you.
(dramatic music plays) (gasps, grunts) Homer, take me home! Sure, sure! (grunts) Let me just grab one more shrimp.
(chomps) Boy, I bet that looked cool in super slow motion.
Too bad we saw it in regular motion.
Yeah, I got bigger problems, Chief.
I'm in love with the don's daughter! But which me does she love? (mutters): I don't know.
LISA: Hmm Thank you so much for clicking on me.
I am Muhammad Yunus, founder of the Grameen Bank, and, oh yeah, I'm also the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
To find an entrepreneur you want to lend to, click on my nose if you can catch it.
It's up here! Now down here! Too slow! (laughs) Okay, I'll hold still.
No, I won't.
Ha-ha! Got it! YUNUS: Good-bye! Let's see, I could help someone in any impoverished area on Earth.
Bangladesh.
Bolivia.
(gasps) East Springfield? My name is Nelson Mandela Muntz.
Nelson? And my dream is to make and market custom bicycles.
Nelson! My dream is to make enough money so's I can get the rest of this tattoo removed.
Sorry I wasted your time.
No fool would take a chance on a loser like me.
I will.
I'll take a chance on you, Nelson Muntz.
Nelson, I gotta take this computer to the pawn shop, so's we can get White Castle for your birthday.
So, Nelson, I see you started a small business.
Yeah.
Some anonymous dude sent me 50 bucks.
Probably someone cool like Famous Amos or Ba Ba Booey.
And I'm gonna justify his faith in me.
Well, whoever your mysterious donor is, he, or she, really wants you to succeed.
Ding-dong! Ooh, your first customer! Be nice.
Right.
Nice.
Good day, Mr.
Barf-Breath.
Good day to you.
Let me be frank: Everyone thinks you're a wuss.
So, we'll change the pink to black, elevate the seat-- trust me, it's slimming-- and change this wicker basket to no basket.
Do you like it? (chuckling): Oh, I love it! Hmm! Hmm! Wow, my first job.
Tonight I'm having peanut butter and jelly.
No more PB or J for me.
(giggling) (sotto voce): Stay cool, Marge.
Stay cool.
(takes deep breath) I'd like to return this handbag.
Unused.
I believe this stranger! Well, here's your refund.
(sighs) (chuckles) Check and mate.
Thank God! I will never do that again.
Wait a minute, Marge.
Don't you realize what just happened? You got to enjoy that bag for nothing! We can buy stuff we can't afford, temporarily own the hell out of it, and then indignantly bring it back for a full refund.
(chuckling) Hide a sandwich in this hat.
"Mary Poppins" myself to work with this umbrella.
Homie, you know what happens when you push your luck Yeah, the luck lasts longer! Thanks to the power of returns, this store is our closet! (booming laugh) (worried murmur) Ooh, a message from my small business person! (giggles) Dear anonymous investor: Here is my update on my small business.
(excitedly): I'm making money fist over face! Dingus! Great timing! Awesome! No way I can look nerdy on this bike.
Hot cross buns, hot cross buns One a penny, two a penny Hot cross buns.
And, with the money I'm making, I can treat my mom the way she deserves! This place is so fancy, Nelson.
The ketchup packets are made of glass.
(humming) NELSON: Ma, please.
You're not at work.
(doorbell ringing) Come in.
Come in.
Don't wipe your feet.
Whoa, look at all this stuff! Did you find a mouse head in your Cuppa-Soup? I wish.
(chuckles) (gasps) What the hell are you doing?! With this protective plastic overlay, I can't tell if I'm watching an old Seinfeld or an old Old Christine.
Now, everyone onto the hot tub.
(humming to himself) (grunting) Come on on.
The cardboard's fine.
(chuckles) Hi, Nelson.
Here again, huh, Lis? I guess now that I'm a success, you want to get back together with me.
Dolph called it.
No, but there is something I can't hold back anymore.
I'm your microfinance donor! You're L-Simpson-Jazzgirl? Oh, my God.
I owe you everything.
Well, I didn't do this for thanks, but if you want to thank me, I can stand here and listen for as long as it takes.
I'm sure you can.
Lisa, if it weren't for you, I never would have achieved the kind of success that has allowed me to quit school.
You're quitting school?! Dropping it like a melon off an overpass.
But don't you know that people who don't go to college make three percent less than people who do? Lisa, thanks to you, and Nobel laureate Mohammad Yunus, I can do this! Spelling, meet F-Y-R-E.
(gasps, shudders) Principal Skinner, I need to convince Nelson to come back to school.
Seriously? Why? With Nelson gone, lunch money's finally making its way to the cafeteria.
Nurples are returning to their natural, non-purple hue.
Besides, I hear he's doing quite well with his bicycle pimpery.
He is.
He's paying people $11 an hour to work for him.
$11 an hour? That's night watchman money.
Maybe I should have a chat with him.
Which of these ties says confidence? Isn't that a Christmas tie? It's a conversation starter! Lisa, this conversation is over.
It's not you I'm trying to impress, it's Nelson.
I know he likes the sleeveless look.
CHALMERS: Skinner! Oh.
Oh, so you also heard about the, uh, $11 an hour.
I heard about it first.
Yes, well, you see the thing about that is Blah! (humming to himself) Good afternoon.
I'd like to return this merchandise.
"Wrong size, wrong color, not asictured, and other reason please explain.
" Sir, this suitcase has an airline tag on it, these ping-pong balls have been served and volleyed, and this hot plate's still warm.
(hissing) Yes, uh maybe I'll just come back during someone else's shift.
Is Claire working today? She's a real sucker.
Let me get my supervisor.
Hello, Homer.
(gasps) How do you know my name? I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Credit-Whore.
We know you've been returning used items all over town.
(chuckles): Oh, it's not what you think I came here to warn them-- yes, to-to warn them about, um People like you? Yes! I mean no! I mean (shrieks) You'll never get me! I have to sign a release so you can broadcast this, right? Initial there, and Never! Can you tell me when this is gonna be on? I'm thinking of having a party.
Lisa, why did you bring me here? Oh, I don't know.
I thought one of these super-successful people might tell you how important it is to stay in school.
Why, look.
It's Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook! Mr.
Zuckerberg, I'm Lisa, and this is Nelson.
S'up, Zuck? "Mark Zuckerberg is happy to meet new friends.
" That's great, Mr.
Zuckerberg, but I was hoping you could tell us how education was instrumental to your success.
Well, the truth is I dropped out of Harvard.
You did? Better earnin' than learnin'! Hell, yeah! I'll get the best kind of degree-- honorary, baby! Well, clearly, you're an exception.
Am I, Lisa? Bill Gates-- dropout.
Virgin Airlines' Richard Branson-- dropout.
Well didn't anybody here stay in school? MAN: I did.
Graduated magna cum lade.
There, you see? I'm afraid I haven't done too well for myself.
But I can certainly appreciate the irony of it.
(playful grunting and laughter) So, how did everyone do with their $50? Well, I learned a valuable lesson about wanting more than I could afford.
Marge, you couldn't have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat! I used Grampa's money to try to help someone in need, but it didn't go the way I expected.
Aw, sweetie, money can't change people.
It can just help them be who they are.
I gave a bum a dollar once, and he used it to buy an Ellery Queen mystery.
But there was one mystery Ellery Queen couldn't solve-- why a man was named Ellery.
But my point is, whatever I said before I started talking about Ellery Queen.
Nelson, I just wanted to say that I realize now you can't be anyone else other than who you are, and Huh? Look, everyone, just chill out! My Wizard of Oz bike fell apart in the middle of the Pride parade! What kind of pride? Never you mind what kind! Fix my bike! I want my money back! Fine.
Here's exactly what you paid me.
Thank you! Oh! Why is this happening? Uh, this epoxy you've been using is water soluble, which means it's not weather-resistant.
Dumb it down for me.
Um bike sticky water go bye-bye? Some sticky water stay-stay? All bye-bye.
Oh! Hi, Nelson.
Lisa, I've been thinking and (metal clanking) It fell apart when I was trying to impress this cute girl.
My gramma! Maybe I could use a little more school.
You can't break us up.
We're like a family here.
Kearney and I are having brunch on Sunday.
If I'm up.
Listen, what say we go back to the school? I'll help you out with a little micro-financing of my own.
$50! I can buy paint for the art class, instead of those crushed-up berries I find in the woods.
And Lisa, I've got a little left that I'd like to spend on you.
(organ playing waltz) (giggling) This is really fun.
But we're still just friends, right? Right.
Friends.
Can I hold your hand for balance? Sure for balance.
(smooching) (squeals) Haw-haw! Sorry.
Haw-haw! (laughs) Sorry.
Oh! (grunts) Whoa! Oh! "Mark Zuckerberg is" (thudding) NELSON: Haw-haw! LISA: Sorry.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  Money Bart
The Simpsons s22e03 Episode Script
Money Bart
(squawks) (shrieks) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (dreamlike music plays) (somber music plays) Who's that lady? Who's that lady? Beautiful lady Who's that lady? Lovely lady Who's that lady? (kids murmuring) Real fine Wow! She's everything I want to be! Calling out to you 'cause it's all that I can do Your eyes tell me to pursue But you say, "Look, yeah, but don't touch, baby" No, no, no, don't touch What's a babe like her doing with a brown banana like Skinner? Maybe she's one of those sexy school supply company reps.
If that's true, where's her suitcase with wheels, Bart? Where's her suitcase with wheels? (grunting) CHALMERS: Ah, if it isn't Eavesdrop Ernie and the Listen-In Bunch.
I'd like you boys to meet Dahlia Brinkley.
She's the only Springfield Elementary alum ever to advance to the Ivy League! There's a car in the parking lot with a Yale sticker on it.
(gasps) It's gotta be you! I just graduated from Yale, and thought I'd pay a visit, from Yale, to the little school where it all began.
(laughs) I plan to attend an Ivy League school myself.
I do he a 0 GPA.
She can do the kind of math that has letters.
Watch.
What's X, Lisa? Well, that depends.
Sorry.
She did it yesterday.
I believe you.
What else have you got? Um, I'm treasurer of the Jazz Club, and started the school's recycling society.
(sheepish giggling) Nice.
And? Uh, that's it.
Two clubs? Well, that's a bridge bid, not an Ivy League application.
But I'm only in second grade.
By your age, I'd been the dominant force in dozens of extracurricular activities.
Quite so.
Just take a look at her yearbook.
The boys next door, the mums and dads New weds and nearly deads Have you ever been had in Clubland? Wonderful year.
Same year we got new playground sand.
Yes, it was.
Mm-hmm.
(Lisa grunting) Thrust! Parry! Dodge! Poke! Come on, Maggie.
I need to get good at fencing so I can put it on my resume and get into Yale.
Don't be scared.
I won't hurt my widdle sister.
Ooh! (gasps) (grunts) Oh! Sweetie, you can still go to McGill-- the Harvard of Canada.
Anything that's the something of the something isn't really the anything of anything.
(doorbell rings) Hello, Flanders.
Don't you have a neighbor on the other side? Indeedily-doodily I do, and I love him just as much as you.
It's a Flanders sandwich with great neighbor bread! (groans) Bart, call me Walter Matthau, 'cause I'm a bad-news bearer.
I'm resigning as manager of your Little League team.
What?! Why?! In the last game, our shortstop hit a long foul ball, but the umpire called it a homerun, and I let it go without saying a word.
I just don't like the monster I've become.
(sighs) Oh.
But without a coach, we can't play! Homie, maybe you could do it.
Sorry, Marge.
Last time I stepped on a baseball field, I got tased.
You know, someday these kids will be out of the house, and you'll regret not spending more time with them.
That's a problem for future Homer.
Man, I don't envy that guy.
(thud, gasping) Can't play baseball.
What am I gonna do? Son, how would you like to spend the summer building wooden boats by hand with master craftsmen? How'd you like to kiss my ass? NELSON: Look at me, I'm Whitey Ford! (kids chattering) Huh? What's going on? We got a new coach! Awesome! Who is it? It's me.
Lisa?! What, you can't stand the idea of a girl coaching a boys' baseball team? No, we can't stand the idea of someone who knows nothing about baseball coaching a baseball team.
Hey, there have been plenty of female managers in baseball.
Connie Mack, Sandy Alomar, Terry Francona, Pinky Higgins.
Those are dudes! Really? They sound like I mean Well, the thing Ooh no.
Okay, bottom line-- I need an extra-curricular activity, and no one else will coach you loveable losers.
We're not losers.
Last year, we finished six and five.
And we're not loveable.
We had a tall, freckled-faced kid on the team that we picked on till he quit.
Hey, Splatter-face! How's the weather up there? It's too bad, 'cause he's a great hitter, but it's worth it.
Look, if you want to play liability-insured baseball, I'm your only shot.
(muttering) Fine, you can be our coach.
Thanks.
You can be the free safety.
Wrong sport.
I mean the point guard.
Also wrong.
I'm gonna do a little research.
A little's not gonna be enough, honepie.
Don't call me honey pie.
You got it, tootsie pop.
(grunts) Get a room, you two.
We're brother and sister.
So are my parents, I think.
(cheering) Hey, Dad? Hey, pal, how you doing? Fine.
I was hoping you and your friends could tell me something about baseball strategy.
The only thing I know about strategy is that whatever the manager does, it's wrong, unless it works, in which case he's a button-pusher.
I hate guys that just push buttons all day.
You just push buttons all day.
You know, ever since Obama came in, you've got all the answers, don't you? Ugh! Does anyone here actually know anything about baseball? Uh, the guys in that booth down there.
(typing) (overlapping voices) As a pitcher, Cliff Lee is clearly superior to Zack Greinke.
Uh, yes, I completely agree, with the following colossal exception.
Before the fourth inning after a road loss in a domed stadium.
Th it's good to be Greinke.
Uh, unless he's got a bunion, in which case he is notably ineffective.
(chuckles) Wow.
I'm surprised you guys know so much about a sport.
Oh, Lisa, baseball is a game played by the dexterous, but only understood by the Poin-dexterous.
(chuckling) If you understand what I've laid out there.
The key to understanding the game is sabermetrics.
Huh?! The field was developed by statistician Bill James.
I made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes! Using sabermetrics, even an eight-year-old girl can run a ball club with the sagacity of a Stengel, and the single-mindedness of a Steinbrenner.
I call it a Stein-stengel (mutters) (chuckles) Thanks, guys.
Hey, speaking of stats, I'm none too pleased about your ratio of seats occupied to beers ordered.
You mean our SOBO? Let's calculate it now! (muttering) What's the conversion factor for ginger beer? Refreshingness over effervescence.
Plus or minus tang.
Oh, why did I advertise my drink specials in Scientific American? I can think of three reasons.
First of all, you Shut up.
ANNOUNCER: So we're one-one in the third, and Isotots manager Lisa Simpson rearranges her defense one more time.
I haven't seen this many books in a dugout since Albert Einstein went canoeing.
Everyone shift towards right! ALL: Huh? (cheering) I caught a white apple! ("Take Me Out to the Ballgame" plays) (whimpers) Okay.
Everyone study two-out situations, count management, and I'll be back with some gluten-free crackers.
(gasps) Your spreadsheets! Oh, my stupid sister's taken the fun out of baseball.
What happened to stealing bases, the suicide squeeze, throwing a little chin music? We're no longer cellar dwellers.
Well, the team isn't.
This isn't the game I grew up with, the game played in the misty ballparks of Enron Field, or Pac Bell, then SBC, now AT & T Park.
And from now on, I'm gonna play my game.
Dummyball.
ANNOUNCER: Bart Simpson on deck, his bat's just hungering for a homer, like Chronos for his children.
Speaking of Homer, Bart's father's name is, you guessed it, not on my fact sheet.
Bart, this guy's walked the last two batters, and if he walks you, we win the game.
Don't swing at anything! But I'm on a hot streak.
Hot streaks are a statistical illusion.
I wish you were a statistical illusion.
Well, there's a 97 % chance I'm not, so do what I say.
(grumbling) Ball one! Ball two! Don't swing.
I've ruined your favorite thing! Oh (grunts) (crowd cheering) TEAM: Bart! Bart! Bart! You disobeyed your manager! So what? We won.
TEAM: Bart! Bart! Bart! Here's what: you're off the team! Get him out of here, boys.
TEAM: Conflicted, conflicted, conflicted.
(Agnes mutters) Come on, guys.
I had to get rid of Bart.
But he socked a walk-off dinger.
That dinger was a fluke.
Not that I have to defend myself to you.
Managers manage, and players play.
Do alligators alligate? I don't know yes! I'm scared.
Here's my uniform, (grunts) since I won't be needing it anymore.
Whoo-hoo! Underpants dinner! (grunts) No, it's not.
Aww.
You know, Lis, I'm glad I'm not playing baseball anymore.
I think I'm more interested in soccer.
(thudding loudly) Ow! (loud thudding, grunting) Hey.
Cut it out! You're upsetting the gravy boat.
I'll put a stop to this nonsense.
Lisa, can't you let your brother back on the team? Fly balls and fungoes come and go, but family is forever.
Sorry Marge, I got to call bullcrap on that.
The '69 Mets will live on forever, but do you think anyone cares about Ron Swoboda's wife and kids? Not me, and, I assume, not Ron Swoboda! What about Bart's feelings? Boys don't have feelings.
They have muscles.
Why do you say such ridiculous things? They sound good in my brain, then my tongue makes not the words sound very good, formally.
(grunting) (snoring) (grunting) "Mama Bear said, 'I'm sure Sister Bear will come to her senses.
'" "Then Pete Rose plowed into his friend Ray Fosse" (Marge continues) "dislocating Fosse's shoulder in a meaningless game.
" (shouting): "He had earned the nickname 'Charlie Hustle'" (Homer shouting) "Mama Bear said, 'Families should stick together because'" "personal feelings get between him and home plate!" "'anything else is unbearable!'" FLANDERS: Excuse me? With all this racket, my boys can't get their 16 hours sleep.
(both muttering) (organ playing "Charge") So, because of your on-base percentage, Nelson, you're the new leadoff hitter.
Questions? When's Bart coming back? He's not.
He thought he was better than the laws of probability.
Anyone else think he's better than the laws of probability? Well, you're not! With me here in the booth is brand-new color commentator and former Isotots great, Bart Simpson.
Bart, do you miss the game? No, no, no, no.
I got a lot goin' on.
I'm sure you do.
Milhouse hits a frozen rope just past the diving shortstop.
There's a play at the plate! He's safe.
And that's all she wrote.
It's a triumph of number-crunching over the human spirit.
And it's about time.
(cheering) (Lisa squeals) Look, Dad.
"Players and Coaches Entrance.
" Hey, let's hold hands and skip inside.
(both laughing) Well, let's go to the bleachers.
I brought an air horn and a megaphone.
Testing (horn blows) Actually, I'm taking you on a "special little guy super happy fun" day.
Are you taking me to the dentist? You're not going to the dentist.
(Marge mutters) You know, Mom, after only seven hours in this amusement park, I'm finally enjoying myself.
I'm actually starting to forget about (cell phone rings) Lisa? She wants to talk to you.
Hey Lis.
Bart, I need you.
Ralph can't play, 'cause he's too juiced.
I didn't know what I was putting into my body.
Sorry, sis.
I've moved on.
And my days of listening to my manager are over.
Son, you should always listen to your manager.
(gasps) Mike Scioscia! Didn't you get radiation poisoning working at the Springfield Nuclear Plant? I sure did, and it gave me super-managing powers! I also demagnetize credit cards.
(shudders) Bart, I have two pieces of advice.
First, keep your arms in the damn car.
Whoa! Secondly, I don't care if your manager is your sister, Dick Drago's mustache, or Oscar Gamble's afro.
A player should always listen to his skipper.
That's how I got these three World Series rings.
(gasping and shuddering) Never mind that.
I'll win more.
But you owe it to your sister, and the great game of baseball-- wacky face for the camera-- to go back and help your team.
Now, who wants funnel cake? You got some great raw ingredients, kid.
Open up your stance a little.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
That's okay.
You just didn't have it today.
Not everything's baseball.
Yes, it is.
(typing) Oh! What am I gonna do? I need a pinch-runner with speed! How about a benchwarmer who's afraid of puppets? (groans) Did someone order a happy ending? Bart! Oh! Now get out there and kick a field goal! (chuckles) Kidding.
ANNOUNCER: And that's why anyone who invested with Lenny Dykstra really should call that number.
Lawyers are standing by.
Simpson on first, taking a big lead.
Oh, looks like he's gonna swipe the bag.
No, no.
Don't steal.
(crowd cheering) ANNOUNCER: And there he goes! He's stealing third.
Okay, okay, he's stolen third.
But surely, that's the limit of his cockiness.
I'm stealing home! No! The computer says it's statistically impossible! Bah.
Computers.
They'll never replace my Huffnagle autocollator! Crank it, Smithers.
Crank it! It's, uh, seizing up, sir.
Yes, well apply more goose grease.
(cheering) Stealing home.
It's so impossible.
It's against every sensible instinct.
It's, it's (crowd cheering) (autocollator shattering) It's the most exciting play in baseball.
Go, Bart! If he makes it, that's my son! You're out! (crowd gasping) The Isotots lose.
Now to begin my off-season job: follow-home robberies.
I'll see you in the parking lot, but you won't see me until it's too late.
HOMER: You stink! (grunts) Did I make it? No.
But you did do something.
You made me love baseball.
Not as a collection of numbers, but as an unpredictable, passionate game beaten in excitement only by every other sport.
I guess your computer was right.
Maybe it was, but according to my calculations, you're a great brother And according to my gut, you're okay, too.
Can you put a number on it? Aww TEAM: Conflict resolved.
Conflict resolved.
Conflict resolved.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  Treehouse of Horror XXI
The Simpsons s22e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XXI
(owl hoots) (humming) (chuckles) (yelps) Why, you little (both groaning) Beneath this smile, I'm in awful, awful pain! (screaming) Welcome, precious primetime viewers, valued Internet downloaders, and scary digital pirates! If you want to shield your little darlings from our stomach-churning holiday special, simply hit fast-forward on your DVR remote (distorted grunting) I went too far! Spoiled the whole show for everybody! I don't deserve to wield the remote.
(shuddering): Oh, I'm getting old and gray I'm dead.
(spooky music plays) Monster go watch The Office.
Dunder-Mifflin just like monster's workplace.
(grunting) (laser rifle fire) Milhouse, do we have enough points for a weapons upgrade? Yeah! We really racked them up eating all those elf babies.
Ha-ha! Nothing beats a weapon made of weapons.
This is that video game Reverend Lovejoy said you shouldn't play.
Well, he's playing it right now.
Slay the wounded! I still think it's too violent.
It's a game.
We're not hurting anybody.
My non-lazy eye! Ooh.
These classic board games are fun and safe.
(grunting) My other eye! (sighs) So which of these "board lames" shall we play? Taffy Land? Drops and Risers? Consternation? Ravenous, Ravenous Rhinos? Mouse Catch? Battleboat? Funopoly? Crate of Apes? Yahtzu? Tiddlywonks? Hey, I've never seen this one before.
MILHOUSE: Satan's Path? Hey, it's got to be good if Satan put his name on it.
Huh? Here.
I'll be the demon, you be the thimble.
Oh, I'm always the thimble.
One (rumbling) (gasps) Two.
BOTH: Ooh! (train whistle blows) (shouting) There was a bank error in my favor.
And I'm spending it all on Oriental Avenue prostitutes! (gasps) MILHOUSE: All the games came to life! (chattering) I don't like the looks of that knight, Chief.
Don't worry.
We're safe.
He's two steps away, and one to the right.
(groans) For me, it's game, set and match.
I think you mean "check, and mate.
" Just got crushed by a giant horse, Lou.
You want to cut me a break? (romantic music plays) Time to meet my mystery dude.
(chuckling) (sighs) Ah.
(Homer grunting) Oh, man, I'm never coming down! Ah! Whoo-hoo! Another ladder! Riding high! Sinking low! Top of the heap! Oh! Down I go! On top for good! Oh, cruel hubris! How do we make this stop? Well, my Latin's a little rusty, but I think to get everything back in its box, you have to finish the game.
And if we don't finish? You're going to have to deal with more nonsense like that.
ALL: Yatszu.
Here we go, back in the cup.
At least the cup is lined with felt.
Hey, Mr.
Positive, shut the hell up.
(roars) (monkey chattering) (buzzing) (chattering) (rumbling crash) We'll be safe on this Battleboat.
Set a course for B-7.
(motor humming) POWERFUL VOICE: B-7.
MILHOUSE: They dunked our Battleboat! I wish I could see my mom one last time, so I can say, "This is all your fault!" Colonel Ketchup, I say it was you that killed him in the parlor, with the letter-opener! He was going to leave me, and I'm too old to find anyone else.
(grumbles) Come on, man, climb up! No.
I might sink the letter.
And "Q" is just too valuable.
That blank could be any letter we want.
Maybe I'm just tired of living.
(bubbles gurgling) The final challenge: Mousecatch.
A game so lame, no one's ever finished it.
(wild cackling and roaring) Crazy Eights! Think, Bart.
Think! What was that lesson I learned from video games? Oh, yeah! Kill, kill, kill! (crying) There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things.
(wild raving) (groaning) (gasps) Sure is a hard way to catch a mouse.
Oh, this stupid thing never works.
(grunts) That's it.
From now on, we'll just play Hangman.
Wait, wait.
We still got one more letter.
Is it 3? (buzzer sounds) That's not a letter.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
(ominous music plays) (gasps) (screams) Man, it's been a crazy morning.
Champagne? Oh, Homie, what a great idea-- to take a cruise in uncharted waters.
Yeah, charts are for squares, baby.
(grunting) Whew.
Sure is hot out here.
Mmm.
Mmm.
(slide whistle tone) Oh, that's my cell phone.
What is it? Lenny, I'm on a second honeymoon! You'll have to pick your own Lotto numbers.
Now, where were we? (both giggling) Oh, baby, let's give those seagulls something to squawk about.
(giggles) Huh? Oh yeah, baby, I like it when you're distracted.
Huh? (oars splashing) Homie, help him up.
(sighs) Fine.
I'll get the hook.
HOMER: Don't fight it.
(man mumbling) Don't That's it.
A little more.
How's that? (panting) You're safe now, my friend.
This poor man must have been out there for days.
He's nothing but hard, bronze muscle.
Bless you.
Okay, this guy's taken care of.
So uh, you know I'm not really in the mood anymore.
Fine.
I'm going for a walk.
(grumbles) (grumbles) (huffs) My name's Roger.
I was the chef on the Albatross, working for a businessman taking his partners to Tahiti.
One night, he asked for pie for dessert As the pie cooled innocently on a porthole sill, my employer attempted to inject it with poison.
But I caught him in the act.
Unfortunately, he had the strength of ten businessmen.
He sent me napward with a bottle of low-sodium soy sauce.
Poor man.
You've been through so much.
Hey.
I've had a hard trip, too.
One of the lenses fell out of my sunglasses! Ah oh, yeah Oh, Roger, you really know what you're doing.
(gasps) (radio static) No luck.
Anyway, when I came to, everyone on board was dead.
I fled the horrific scene.
(squawks) And after days at sea, I found my savior.
You, Marge.
And, in a very insignificant way, you, Homer.
God, it was horrible.
Marge? Can I have a word with you in private? I don't trust that guy.
I bet he killed everyone on that boat himself.
That's crazy talk.
ROGER: Excuse me.
You've both been so kind to me, I baked you this pie.
That is so sweet.
Why do piemakers get all the girls? Why did you do that? It was poisoned! No it wasn't! Well, it was rhubarb.
No, it was berry-peach.
HOMER: Berry-peach? That's my favorite! Please, Homer.
I am so sick of this unmotivated jealous-- (screams) The pie was poisoned.
You were right.
I guess we've got to kill him before he kills us.
Well, we'd better do it quick, because he's making scones! They should call this one "Recipe For Murder.
" What do you mean, "this one"? Never mind.
Oh, Roger, would you hand me the suntan oil? (grunting suggestively) (spring popping zanily) Ooh, got a text.
Now! (grunts) Dear God.
We just killed a man.
Yeah, the decent thing to do is bury him at sea.
Come and get it, barnacles.
Huh? (gasps) (both gasp) Roger was telling the truth.
This proves nothing.
Roger could've been the one that killed them.
Soy sauce.
Low sodium.
(gasps) Then his story was true.
We killed an innocent man.
We're murderers.
Murderers! (sobbing) ROGER: Well, if it isn't my saviors.
(chuckles) Hey, pal, how you been? Don't you "pal" me.
Why did you try to kill me?! The pie you baked us killed that shark! The pie was clean.
The shark died from the fuel leaking out of your boat.
It Oh, yeah.
Oops.
Oh, goody.
The monkey got ahold of a spear gun.
(grunting) Why did you do that?! We had to kill him or he'd tell people we tried to kill him.
What the devil's going on here? You're alive? Yes.
I suspected our host would poison us, so I gave everyone an antidote before dinner.
Looks like you've got a flair for avoiding death.
(gun clicks empty) Oh, come on.
Just a second.
(grunting) (groans) Bankers away! (panting angrily) (pelican squawks) (shrieks, splashes) I repeat: no one will ever know.
We'll know.
Marge, what are you doing?! That pie is poisoned! (groans) I can't live with the guilt.
(sighs) (sobbing) She just wanted to ride bikes through New England.
But those seats hurt my ass.
(sobbing) Ever wonder what she thinks about? Just sugarplums and buttercups.
(suspenseful music plays) (thunder rumbles) Hey, what's that weird look on all those girls' faces? It's something you've never seen: they're smitten.
Oh, I've seen it.
Especially when I do this.
(groans) Well, he is cute.
But I'm sure a boy like him would never say hello to me.
Hello.
(giggles) I love your pallor.
(tires screeching) Why is there a steering wheel in my bedroom? (screams) (gasps) How'd you do that? Oh, it's these cheap school buses, with their squishy metal.
On another subject, you have beautiful eyes.
(chuckles) They're just dots in circles.
(bicycle bell rings) (gasping) (screaming) (screaming) (clown horns honking) What? Me again? (grunts) Come with me.
(gasps) You're a vampire.
I should be scared, but I'm not.
Let us move between the trees the way a bat does: by jumping.
(giggles) Lisa's fallen for a vampire? That makes me so angry! (straining): I feel the change coming! (howls weakly) Edmund's almost here, so, please, nobody be themselves.
I know, I know.
Don't serve garlic, don't stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein.
It's racist somehow.
(doorbell rings) Sorry, my Dad insisted on coming.
Dad, I don't need a chaperone.
I'm 400 years old.
You live in my crypt, you play by my rules.
You're tearing me apart! Dinner is served.
I tried to make what Homer said you liked.
I get the drumstick! (grunting) Okay, okay.
If a mosquito bites you, does it become a vampire, too? Yes.
Okay, okay.
If you bite your tongue, does it become a vampire? Look, I'm more than just a vampire.
I'm a nut for Dixieland jazz.
(playing New Orleans jazz) (sighs) You said you weren't going to bring that.
I said I might not.
(continues playing) They say vampires live forever, but I die of embarrassment every day.
I know just how you feel.
Let's fly, Lisa.
Keep your mouth closed, or you'll swallow a lot of bugs.
(gasps) Get them back! She can't get neck holes.
It's picture day tomorrow! Man, you vamps got it made.
You sleep all day And, because we only drive at night, we can really time the traffic lights.
Watch.
Green.
Green.
Green.
Boom.
Green.
Yes.
Boom.
Green.
Good.
Boom.
Boy, this place has every kind of vampire there is.
Excuse me.
Have you seen these kids? I did.
And they were sneaking kisses.
One kiss! Ha, ha, ha.
Two kisses! Ha, ha, ha.
Three kisses! There they are.
Super-Team, fly! (grunting) I'm Dracula, not The Hulk.
Hyah! Hyah! (groaning) Bite me now, Edmund, and we'll both be vampires.
Get your neck away from my son's teeth, you evil temptress.
Sir, I'm not trying to take your son away from you.
I plan to be a part of your rich culture, and organize media-friendly events to help combat all the unfair vampire stereotypes.
Wow.
Wow! Now I know what you see in this girl.
Bite her, my son, and you both will be eight forever.
Eight forever? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't spend eternity using kid scissors.
They barely cut anything.
(snarls) Too late! The bloodlust is upon me.
(gasps) Back off, you unholy dreamboat! (yells) Pretty ironic-- a cross being used to kill someone.
(sizzling) (screaming) Father, you're hurt.
Yes, but at least you are safe, my son.
Whoa, you blood-sucking freaks love your kids, too? I remember when he was a baby, I'd sneak up to his crib in the middle of the day to make sure he was still not breathing.
(sobs softly) No! Well, nobody loves his kids more than me! (grunts) Come and get it! (vampires grunting) Die, fatso! Uh-oh.
His blood-- it's full of cholesterol.
And not the good kind.
(laughing) (groaning) Woo-hoo! LISA: Uh, Dad? They turned you into a vampire.
Yes! I can fly! See you back at the house.
(laughing) (gasping) Uh-oh.
No! (thud)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life
The Simpsons s22e05 Episode Script
Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life
(squawks) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (dreamlike music plays) (somber music plays) Show! (whistle blows) (grunts) Hey! (exclaims) (cheering) Mousey and Catsy, aren't they great? Now listen up, kids.
Krusty's sponsor, the Texxon family of gas stations, wants you to know that today's the last day of their "Happy Little Elves" giveaway! It's Texxon's way of saying, "Sorry about those million dead pelicans.
" (goofy laugh) (sucking pacifier fairly fast) You'll really love the intentionally scarce "Baby Must-Have.
" (sucking pacifier really fast) Don't you want her beyond all reason? (laughing) Maggie, you can't climb into the TV.
If you could, I'd make Alex Trebek answer some questions.
Dad, I think Maggie's just sad 'cause her set is missing "Baby Must-Have.
" No child of mine will go without anything, ever! Except quality health care! Didn't there used to be more Texxon stations? Yes, but they sold a bunch off to that frozen yogurt chain.
(ringing) What a cheap date this is.
I'm not cheap, baby, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
Big difference.
Hmm (humming) Hmm.
Nice part of town you got here.
Too bad you keep it so far away.
(laughing) Now that we're best friends, can I get the baby elf? Pick a box.
You get what you get.
You can't tell what's inside! Oh, of all the times not to have x-ray vision.
Mm I'll take that one.
Hmm? This isn't the right one.
She wants the baby.
I can't give you another toy till you buy another ten gallons of gas.
You're lucky you're behind glass.
Ain't no glass.
(groans) Sure, it's easy to slap people when you're hiding behind that glass! (grunts) You have a good day.
Drive all the way, get the wrong elf.
Ain't no glass.
I'll show them.
I'll buy ten more gallons of their stupid gas.
(tires squealing) (kids screaming) Whoo-hoo! (all groaning) (pump ringing) D'oh! (engine running) (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) (snoring) (gasps) (ringing) (sighs) D'oh! Oh, Homie, maybe we should call it a day.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie, but even at your age, I'm sure you understand things can't always go your way, and that's why I can't believe we didn't get that stupid elf! (sobbing) Where the hell are we? I've never seen stores like these before.
(gasps) I know where we are! This is the neighborhood where I grew up! Ooh, everything's changed.
That tree used to be a smaller tree.
And that food bank used to be a regular bank.
The march of progress.
(gasps) There's my old house! (tires squeal, sighs) Someday when I'm a grownup, maybe I'll go back and look fondly at our house.
Well, stop in and say "hi" to me 'cause I'll still be there, chillin' in my basement bachelor pad.
Be sure to water the flowers on my backyard grave.
As long as I can dig you up and stick you on the front porch every Halloween.
Just don't dress me up like a woman.
We'll see.
(tapping) (all gasp) I know what you folks are here for.
Rabbits! I just kilt this one because it stopped bein' cute! We're not here for rabbit.
I used to live in this house as a girl.
I live in it now as a woman.
Hey, you wanna come on in? Take a look around? Oh, I'd love to, if it's not an imposition.
Well, as long as we don't have to feed this one.
(woman and Homer laugh) Tell her "no deal.
" Everything's just the way I remember it.
You see that mirror? I discovered that if I sat in the kitchen, I could see if the bathroom was free using the reflection from the mirror off the toaster.
(humming happy tune) (groans in disgust) This was my bedroom.
(gasps) My bedpost smooshes are still in the carpet! (laughs) I want to go read books in the car.
There are no books in the car.
I just want to sit in the car! I always wondered who "Marge" is.
(gasps) My memorables! Over the years, I've sure been tempted to go through this stuff.
So I did, many times.
(clattering noise in room) My whole childhood is in this box.
My scrunchies.
I never really had the hair for these.
Wow, Mom.
You got first place in the science fair.
Oh, that's ancient history.
Ooh, here's my paper on ancient history.
Mom, these grades are amazing.
Just as good as mine.
LISA: But then you wound up like you.
(horn honking) (school bell rings) (all shouting happily) (all groan) Oh, man.
The drainage around here is a joke.
I don't even know why I pay taxes.
BART: Coming through! (kids gasping) Just when you think I'm out of ideas! ("Metal on Metal" by Anvil plays) Whoop! Ahh! Feeling the grind, up go the hammers (kids laughing) (gasps) (growls) (all gasp) Mm-hmm.
Get your affairs in order.
(groans, gasps) Bart beat up Nelson.
MARTIN: A new bully has risen.
ALL: Simpson! Boombaye! Simpson! Boombaye! (sobbing) Oh! Mama! (kids laughing) (sobbing) (humming) Buying those extra trophies from cash-strapped schools really filled out the old case.
Principal Skinner? Quick question.
Is it true my mom was a great student? Oh, indeed.
Your mother was as fine a student as you.
Keep up the good work, and you'll probably wind up just like her.
Well Of course that would be great.
But I see myself making an impact outside the home.
(chuckles) Lisa, one of the hardest jobs I have is throwing cold water on young children's dreams.
Ralph, you're not a kangaroo.
(groans of disappointment) The point is, I've learned a lot about human nature by sitting in the park with Mother.
And one thing I've learned is children turn out like their parents.
Behold, your future.
(sadly): Oh Ralph, you're also not a trophy.
(groans sadly) Skinner! I warned you about interacting with students.
I don't want to have to yell at you! You yell at me about everything.
Well I can't yell at anyone else! Teachers have a union.
Students have parents.
What about Willie? I like Willie! Maggie, something happened to Mom, and I'm gonna find out what and when.
Mom's looking good through elementary school.
Ninth grade, tenth grade, still riding the A-Train.
Then suddenly, when she was a high school senior Blam! MARGE: You kids play nice up there! What could have happened? (ominous music plays) (Homer humming happy tune) Dad? Hmm? Can I talk to you for a second? What is troubling you, my son? I mean, my girl son? Well, um, I was looking through Mom's old schoolwork, and I noticed her grades went down when she started going out with you.
Hey, if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone or something else.
Sooner or later, everyone meets their Homer.
No offense, Dad, but no boy is gonna distract me from my dreams.
It may not be a boy.
It could be anything: scrapbooking, high-stakes poker, or the Santa Fe lifestyle.
Just pick a dead end and chill out till you die.
No! That's not gonna happen to me! I'm gonna make sure nothing distracts me ever! (whistling nonchalantly) Whoa! Look at you, strutting around, like you're Toad of Toad Hall.
Uh, I'm just whistling, man.
(whistling feebly) You think you're so smart, don't you , Simpson? We're both in the same reading group.
I think you know how smart I am.
That's an insult to me and the rest of the inchworms.
(grunts) (groans) Bart did it again! I'm not a bully! It's just a series of incredible coincidences.
Well, Bart, I guess his parking spot is yours now.
Well done.
(exasperated grunt) (crickets chirping) Okay, I've gotten rid of all of my distractions, diversions, hobbies (gasps) Oh, my God! Are you a distraction or a higher calling? All right, let's see.
How many jazz musicians led long and happy lives? There's, um (sniffing) (muffled notes playing) That's odd.
Lisa just threw her saxophone out the window.
Oh, that's probably because to her, the saxophone is a me, she shdoe don't want to end up like you.
Good night.
She doesn't want to end up like me? Uh, no, she does, totally, but, uh, with a happier ending.
Good night.
What's so wrong with me? (chuckles) Nothing, sweetie, nothing.
Here, let me explain.
She does not want to turn out like you didn't not until diplomatic trapped help.
(Ã  la hypnotist, claps twice) Remember nothing! I remember everything.
Well, if you check your purse, I think you'll find the seven of clubs! No.
Just a picture of Lisa-- who wants to be nothing like me.
I am so sorry, Marge.
Hee-hee-hee.
MARGE: Stupid pan! (frustrated grunting) Mom, could you keep it down a little? I'm trying to study.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Here's your breakfast.
Not a good time! Mom, is something wrong? Would it be so bad to turn out like me?! Mom, I admire everything you do.
But it's not good enough, is it? It's plenty good.
It's great! It's just not for me.
(horn honks) School bus! (affectionately): Mmm (disgruntledly): Mwa.
What kind of kiss did you get? Normal.
You? Ice-cold.
You're just imagining things.
Oh, yeah? Hmm What does your note say? The seven of clubs? Ta-dah! Ugh! What's the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home if I have to do my learning here? (excited shouts) (floor waxer whirring) (to tune of "Loch Lomond"): Oh, I'll wax the upstairs And I'll wax the downstairs And I'll get drunk in the li'bry! Willie! Do you have to wax this floor now? No, no, I can come back later.
Whoa-aah! Oof! (bones crack) (screams) Oh.
Should I get the nurse? Nay, just keep studyin'.
I'll scream this out.
(cracking) (screaming) (groaning in pain) (cracking) (anguished screams) Aah! (groaning) (yells) I can get to you whenever I want, Simpson.
But I'm gonna bide my time.
You won't even hear the punch that wastes you.
And you'll crack like one of those chicken turds rich people eat.
You mean an egg? I mean you're dead! Aah! Let me out of here, so I can put you in here! Ha! You're not so tough now.
(grunts) (screaming) (lively chatter) Aw Dad was right-- I might as well give up.
(classical chamber music playing) (chamber music continues) (gasps) Cloisters Academy? That bus could pick me up any day of the week! 'Sup, bro? I'm not your brother.
Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but come on! Cloisters Academy is a refuge for quiet learning.
We have every facility imaginable, including an imaginatorium.
Oh, no, wait, it's over there.
Mom! Dad! Please can I go here? I'll study so hard, I'll make the old me look like Bart! That would be one weird-looking kid.
We'd love to send you here, sweetie.
We just can't afford it.
Well, I'm sure Lisa will be fine at Springfield Elementary.
I hear they just found out there was a World War II.
(chuckles) (groans) Oh Homer, Lisa, could you please step outside? I have a few choice words for this gentleman.
Mom please don't.
Oh, I've seen that look before.
That's the "I ate the piece of wedding cake she's been saving in the freezer ten years" look.
You what?! Run! (dramatic music plays) (screams) Lisa, your mother convinced me to take a closer look at your record, and upon further reflection, I have decided to offer you a full scholarship to Cloisters Academy.
I have a future! Oh! Thank you, Mom! Oh, thank you, four-eyes! So, you'll start Monday.
I'm so exci Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Quiet campus.
Shh.
Now, please, hold your celebration until you're off the school grounds.
(whooping, cheering, shouting) (whooping, cheering, shouting stop) (whispers): What time Monday? Um, 8:00.
Thank you.
(all resume cheering, whooping, shouting) (classical music playing) An academy.
I'm attending an academy.
Hi.
I see that you're new, and we'd be honored to have you join our softball team.
I'm sorry, I don't really play.
Oh, no one plays.
We just discuss the physics of the game.
I lead the team in E.
R.
A.
: Extremely Right Answers.
Count me in! MARGE: What's wrong, sweetie? You seem upset.
I don't want to talk about it.
(groans) Oh A kid at school's gonna beat me up.
Is it Milhouse? Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
Are you sure? He's having a growth spurt.
It's not Milhouse! Is it a girl? It's Nelson! Hm! I never figured him for the bully type.
Well, if he's got you cornered, and Milhouse isn't there to help you, there's only one way out-- Make him feel good about himself! How do I do that? I don't know.
Compliment his glasses.
It's not Milhouse! Hi, Lisa.
I'm Ms.
Marshall, and I'm your teacher.
Well, I am so happy to be in your class.
No, I'm your teacher.
I only teach you.
Your short story about the lonely pony-- gripping.
Did you get that the pony was actually me? It hit me the next day, and I read the whole thing again.
I thought we'd start the semester by turning this into a novel.
Self-published? Real published.
Oh (bell rings, children chattering) (thunder rumbling) NELSON (forebodingly): Ha ha! (thunder rumbling) This is it, Simpson! After this, your nose will not be an outtie.
Make him feel good about himself! (grunts) Uh, Nelson, for someone who never goes to the dentist, you have pretty good teeth.
They're dentures! (grunts) Uh, you do a lot with a limited wardrobe.
That's social worker talk for "I'm poor"! (grunts) Uh, uh, you punch really good! You think? Oh, yeah! And you always avoid the face around picture day.
People appreciate that.
Hey, those memories are forever.
You really care, man.
A lot of bullies just phone it in.
(coughs): Kearney.
That school is so great! Teachers teach so much better when they're paid in money, not chickens.
Is Mom gonna come up and say good night? Your mom's doing laundry, but she authorized me to say goodnight for her.
So, by the power invested in me I now pronounce you sweet dreams.
(giggles) (door creaks) (crickets chirping) (distant rumbling sound) (louder rumbling sound) Mom? (door creaks) (rumbling) (groans) Here we go.
Clean and white (yawns) and soft (snores) Mom? (screams) I see what happened.
There was no scholarship.
They said I could attend if you did all their laundry! I can't live with that knowledge while trying to get more knowledge.
Lisa, honey, I insist.
Because it's important to you that you don't turn out like me.
Mom, I don't want to go to that school.
Why not? Because it's too elitist.
Everyone's parents are in "the business.
" What business? I don't know.
They won't tell me.
And besides, you were willing to do all this just so I would be happy.
Mom, I'd be honored if I turned out like you.
(slurring): Mom, thanks to you, this box sucker didn't beat me up.
We've been pokin' foil all night.
Must've put away two eight-packs by now.
I'm so glad you two are friends again.
Look what Maggie got! Homer? How did you get Ah.
A father has his secrets.
How did he get in? Told you, ain't got no glass.
Did he take any money? Uh-uh.
Well, he did now.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  The Fool Monty
The Simpsons s22e06 Episode Script
The Fool Monty
(crow caws) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (whirring) (grunting) (whooshing) (screeching) (yells) (panting) (screeching) (Bart grunts) (zapping) (yells) PILOT (screams): We're unbalanced! It's not fair! (explosion) I'd like to call to order this secret conclave of America's media empires.
We are here to come up with the next phony baloney crisis to put Americans back where they belong-- in dark rooms, glued to their televisions, too terrified to skip the commercials.
Well, I think NBC, you are here to listen and not speak! I think we should go with a good old-fashioned public health scare.
(murmuring) A new disease! No one's immune! It's like the summer of the shark, except instead of a shark, it's an epidemic and instead of summer, it's all the time! (agreeing murmurs) MAN: That is smokin'! Now I hate to be the guy who derails what everybody else loves He loves being that guy.
But, Janice, we do have standards.
This can't be a made-up disease.
The only moral thing to do is release a deadly virus into the general public.
We do have something we've been holding onto, but it hasn't been tested.
Get over here, NBC.
(chuckling) Well, we certainly believe in testing, but I Oh! (woozy moan) (struggling breaths) Wow.
Wow! Oh, yeah! So, we've got our deadly disease.
Now we just have to blame it on something that's in every household something that people are a little bit afraid of already.
Housecat Flu is coming, people! The Center for Disease Disinformation predicts with some degree of probability that the Housecat Flu might spread in the following hypothetical outbreak pattern.
(congested coughing) So petter beware, that warm body on your lap just might be ready to destroy your tender vittles.
(purring) (screams) (meows) Springfielders are advised to stay tuned for more information if they experience any of the following symptoms: mild thirst, occasional hunger, tiredness at night (clamoring voices) You know, I don't know when this was ever a good idea.
(meows) (meowing) Hurry up, boy! We have to burn everything the cat touched, before the virus makes us paranoid! Homer! Stop burning! They have a vaccine! All right.
We'll get the vaccine.
(yawns) Homer, did you know he was in the pile? I thought he was an old clump of rags.
(clamoring voices) Don't worry, people.
We have enough vaccines for one child per family.
(grumbling) I don't even have a kid that I admit to having.
Please use your time in line wisely to "Sophie's Choice" your child.
(irate grumbling) What a crook! This isn't the line for a movie.
Why are you wearing that costume? Because, you see, I am afraid of needles, but Wolverine is not.
Snikt! Snikt! (ice cream truck tune plays) (groans) Need acceptable currency Ooh for delicious treat Ooh! (old-fashioned horn honks) Mr.
Burns? Where's he going? (tires screeching) (thudding) Yes, I'd like 37 snifters of your influenza syrup.
One for me, one for Smithers here and the rest for my hounds.
Give him what he wants.
He's the only taxpayer in this town.
But Mr.
Mayor, these people have waited in line.
And dogs can't even get the disease.
They'll see me take it and they'll want some.
Yes 'oo will.
Yes 'oo will, you little jelly belly.
Sir, perhaps we should get out of here, before people start resenting you.
Hooh! Hurry up and get in! I'll drive.
(engine starts) (tires screech) (glass shattering) (crowd clamoring) Hurry, everyone! Roll in the shards! Come on! Like this! (grunting, glass tinkling) Healthy.
Gettin' healthy.
Ow! Gettin' healthy and very sleepy.
(sighs wearily) (gasps) Ahh! I feel as hail and hearty as an eohippus.
Eh, Mr.
Burns, I did a little blood work earlier today and I'm afraid I've got a bit of hard news.
Spit it out, Doctor! I haven't got all day.
Eh, you certainly don't.
You see, I'm afraid you're dying.
(gasping) Dying?! Yes.
It's a number of factors, really: whooping cough, hectic fever, cancrum otis, Wellington's ooze, the Lambeth plague, and skull collapse.
How long do I have? Five, six weeks tops.
You might live to see the Wheat-Eared Warbler return to Swinton Park.
But I wouldn't count on it.
(hard swallow) You want me to tell the employees, sir? No.
It's better that they hear it from me.
I'll tell them the truth in the simplest way I know how.
(lively music plays) Aw, why did Burns make us all come here? I bet he's got something up his sleeve.
I don't like that he hired a band to play ominous music.
(slow jazz playing) (microphone feedback) Good evening.
I have very sad news for all of you.
(grumbling, murmurs) Or maybe he's going to jack up our electric rates.
Whew! I will have to hand-crank my wiener warmer.
Hand-crank my wiener warmer! The truth is I'm dying.
Hell, yeah! Finally, a break for the black man! This better not be a gag! It's not! My days are Roman-numeraled! (cheering) Stop this! Stop this at once, or I'll Or what? You're just gonna die soon anyway! (laughter) I'm warning you! You are making a very powerful temporary enemy! Sir, you'd better not rile them up.
The first course is oysters on the half shell.
(wild slurping) (grunting) I see.
I'm well and truly hated.
However, you will change your tune when you see the legacy I'm leaving behind me.
I'm leaving all my money to an orchard that will grow inedible "me"-shaped fruits.
They're as addictive as they are poisonous.
(melodramatic piano music plays) Melt his ice sculpture! (clamoring) It's starting to drip! (laughing maniacally) La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la I haven't a friend in the world.
You have me, sir.
I pay you, Smithers.
No kind of love can come from one man paying another.
Well, but there's I'll just retire to my bed.
Uh that's where we put everyone's coats.
Shred them in the wood chipper, and use the rags to wax my car.
(grinding) Why does everyone hate me? (grinding) Sir, what are you doing? Smithers, I want to die quietly, on my own terms crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as I possibly can.
Good-bye, insufficiently cruel world! (sobbing): Oh, no (thud) (grunting) (thunderclap, zapping) (zany thudding) Anthill, wasp nest, moose poop, Mr.
Burns Mr.
Burns?! (moans) My poop stick has brought him back to life! But which end? (gasps) What do you want? Come on, man, leave me alone.
Friend? You my mommy-daddy-puppy? Whoa! Your brains have turned to oatmeal! My name Oatmeal? This is too weird, man.
(panting): Wait for Oatmeal! (groans) (whimpers) (grumbles) Oh! What am I gonna do with you? (humming a tune) Look, I know you're cool now, but my dad hates you more than celery, and my mom said no new pets, so I'm hiding you in my room.
Oatmeal accept premise.
MARGE: Bart, who are you talking to? (Mr.
Burns whines) And what's all that noise? Ah, I'm playing with my Sergeant Activity Doll.
DOLL: Why not buy another of me? (door creaks) Hmm.
Well, okay.
(humming a tune) (chomping) Okay, okay! I'll find you some food.
Me not feel good.
(train whistle blows) Hey pal, you look like you lost your best friend.
Mm.
He was more than a friend.
He was the reason I got up in the morning.
(sniffles) Because he would inject me with coffee at 6:00 a.
m.
in the back of the head.
(sniffles) (sobbing): My new boss will never take his place! New boss, huh? What's he like? (sighs) Oh, a lot like my old boss.
Ruthless.
Went to Yale.
Made a fortune in energy.
Basically hairless.
Oh, yeah.
He likes to stack men naked.
I guess that's a start.
A philanthropist, a humanitarian, a man of peace these are among the people who've come today to spit in Montgomery Burns' open grave.
The fact that Burns' did nothing to lessen the salivary salvos.
(gathering spit) Hold, please.
You may continue.
I hope they use that spit for a good cause, like sealing wedding envelopes.
Or helping a railroad worker grip his sledgehammer! Now they're dancing on his grave! Dance, you sons of bitches! Dance like it's me down there! (spits) Thank God Mr.
Burns isn't alive to see this.
BART: Come back! I'm not finished giving you your bath! (grunts) (gasping) (grunting) DOLL: Attack during their sacred holiday! Hmm, apparently Mr.
Burns is in a state of shock from the trauma he underwent.
Oh man, this is great! The most evil man in town is in our power.
(evil laughter) He will do my bidding at that fantasy football auction.
And anything else my limited imagination can come up with.
(sadistic laughter) Just because Mr.
Burns was mean to you, that doesn't give you the right to abuse him when he's helpless.
Marge, it's the golden rule: treat others the way they mess with you.
It's not up to you.
We're going to take him to our moral and civic leaders.
They'll know the right thing to do.
All those in favor of treating Mr.
Burns the way he messed with us, say "aye.
" CROWD: Aye! People of Springfield! To quote Shakespeare, "The quality of mercy is not strained.
" CROWD: Boo! You know, it takes a lot for an eight-year-old to stand up in front of the whole town! Eight-year-old? I always thought you were a midget! We're called "little people," and I'm not one.
People of Springfield, as a nerd, I understand your desire for revenge, but this sweet, harmless man is not the same remorseless monster who tormented us all.
He's close enough! Yeah, Seaside Heights ain't Maui, but, uh, you take what you can get.
Whoa! (groans) (chittering) (zapping) You done pullin' the wings off of those bees? Almost, Mr.
Vice President.
May I ask why I'm doing this? I don't know.
I'm bored.
When my old boss got bored, he liked to listen to Thomas Edison reciting "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on a wax cylinder.
What do you think I am, I got a myPod full of Lee Greenwood.
(hums) (snores) Now boy, everyone in town gets Burns for half an hour to do as they will.
This town can't teach its kids or collect its garbage, but we lead the nation in pointless revenge.
Amen.
Oh! Okay, Burnsie, follow the carrot! (lively music plays) Dad! You're gonna wreck him for everybody! Don't worry, boy.
Another girder always swings in for you to walk on right when you get to the end.
(shudders) Where's the other girder? Ow! Okay, here's your choice: cash in my hands or blood on the jerky.
I believe you want the assistant manager, sir.
Oh, I can't shoot him.
I've got him next.
Well, that is your bad luck, because he is mine right now.
Come back in half an hour.
He can be your accomplice.
I was going to take him ice skating.
What was that? Nothing.
What was that? Ice skating? Do you do axels and Salchows? What do you do? (scoffs) Check out my new dad! Sorry, lame-o! It's 2:00, which makes him my Uncle Ed for an hour.
No, it's Saturday, which makes him that guy at the Youth Center who really believes in me.
There's still time for me to turn my life around, right? It's not that easy, man! (sobs) (doorbell rings) All yours.
What did you do with him? Found a way to use him as a bong.
(gurgling) (coughs) (woozy moan) (sighs) Dad, Mr.
Burns is here for you again.
(moans) Already? A little tired of revenge, are we? Yeah, I've done all I can do in that medium.
All right.
Mr.
Burns, I'm going to show you that not all of us in this town are vindictive and cruel.
(pumps barrel) Not today.
I thought, after all you went through, you just might want to spend an hour in a place where you felt at home.
Lots of room for friends.
Actually, sir, the man who lived here didn't have many friends.
But you're a better person than he ever was.
(hums) (gasps) That's me! Yes, technically it's you.
But like I said, people change.
And they can also bloody well change back! (whimpers) Daddy's home.
(motor humming) I don't have time for the papers, Smithers.
Any terrorist attacks on American soil today? I'm sorry, but no.
Oh BURNS: Smithers! Trading me in for a younger model, I see.
Mr.
Burns! You're alive! I'm so happy I could hug you! (scoffs) And me smell like drugstore cologne the rest of the day? I don't think so.
You may hug my shadow.
(cry of delight) (ecstatic cries) (clearing throat) Oh, Mr.
Vice President I've loved this time we've spent in this dormant volcano, but You're leaving me, aren't you? I I am.
You realize that every time I don't get what I want, Al Qaeda wins? Can I go now? Yes.
I just need to erase your memory.
(zapping) (grumbles) (helicopter whirring) BURNS (over bullhorn): Attention, insects! The foot of reckoning has arrived! Hey there, Mr.
Burns! For our half hour, I thought we'd have a picnic in the park.
Silence, you sadistic monster! I've got my memory back, and I'm going to wreak a terrible vengeance.
Taking an idea I got from a Stephen King book, I'm going to cover this town with a dome! (evil laughter) It's been done! Really? You don't say.
Did you know about this? Mm-hmm.
I see.
Well, what if I cover you all with a cube of bulletproof plexiglas?! Uh, it's pretty much the same thing.
Plus we could always dig ourselves out, although that never seems to occur to anybody.
Set 'er down, Smithers.
Mr.
Burns, you can't hurt us after all we've done for you.
What the devil are you talking about? You were given six weeks to live, and you've outlived it! I think what kept you alive was that for once in your life you were helping other people.
Could it be? Perhaps kindness did keep me alive.
Young man, would you like a lemon drop? Mmm! (groaning) (cries) (pop) It wasn't kindness that was keeping me alive, it was bile building up inside! Loathing is my life blood, and rage my royal jelly! So yes, thank you, Springfield, for giving me the secret to eternal life-- hate! You're welcome! What are you doing here? You were my father for two hours, and I'm not letting this dad get away! Oh! Preposterous! I won't be Bismarcked into fathering anyone! Listen, old man.
I need someone to cheer me on in the school play.
And it's gonna be you, or this copter's goin' down! You know I'll do it! Thank God your son can't see the way you're behaving.
My son? My son?! The truth is I don't have a son! Haw-haw! Haw-haw! Haw-haw! That's my boy! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  How Munched is That Birdie in the Window
The Simpsons s22e07 Episode Script
How Munched is That Birdie in the Window
(helicopter whirring) (gasps) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) Ooh! (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (eerie music plays) (zapping) Mm-hmm (thunderous rumbling) Ooh! (grunts) (hisses) D'oh! (electrical crackling) (thunderclap) (shuddering) Oh, don't be scared, boys.
That's just the angels bowling.
(thunderous rumble) (thunderous rumble) (thunderous rumbling) And so The Bloody Hangman, his hair sticky with blood, skittered along the cobblestones, gunk dripping from his one good eye, singing his evil land chantey.
Ker-shaw, ker-shew I'm after you With my bloody noose Strong enough to hang ten moose Ker-shaw, ker-shew Ã¢â¢Âª It's just a story Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª But it's really true! Ã¢â¢Âª (shuddering) MARGE: Homer, are you scaring those kids? No, I'm not! Yes, I am.
The Bloody Hangman walks on his stubby bone feet through the plague-ridden streets of London You said it was Boston.
Did I? Anyway, The Bloody Hangman set to his gory work.
Bodies piled up like those stackable plastic chairs.
Like those chairs in the music room? Possibly! (whimpers) (cackles) (gasps) The Hangman's here! Ker-shaw, ker-shew, my lies have come true! (Homer gasping) Huh.
It's a pigeon.
Aw, the poor guy hurt his wing.
Hey, there's a number on him.
What is it? (gasps) I bet it's a combination to a safe! Or, more likely, the phone number of the bird's owner.
(dialing) Ask about the safe.
No, better yet, act like you know about the safe.
MAN: Hello.
Yes, I believe I have your pigeon, "Raymond Bird," and I need to know how to return him to you.
He's a homing pigeon, girlie.
Why don't you let him fly home? Unless you want to spring for a limo.
Yes, he could fly home, except that he has a broken wing.
Perhaps you and your sarcasm could come to Springfield and retrieve him.
Are you kidding? Wherever I go, 200 birds gotta come with me.
And they all want to sit in the front seat with Daddy.
(dial tone) (sighs) Looks like you're going to have to take care of him, Bart.
Me? Just what in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird? (yelps) No, no Listen, don't tell anyone, but I can't stand pigeons! They're like rats with wings! He's crawling on your arm.
(gasps) Oh Okay, maybe he's not so bad.
(giggles) (retches) Oh! No! No! No! Get off! Get off! Get off! Okay, Ray, your wing is healed.
Go on.
Live your life.
Aw, c'mon, man.
Admit it-- you knew this day would come.
(cooing) You and I have shared too many seed bells to just walk away from this.
(cooing) Go ahead, make fun of me.
I lost my heart to a bird.
(half-heartedly): Haw-haw.
Man, you were not into that.
What's wrong? My mom ran off with my birthday clown.
(cooing) (staples clacking) All finished, boy.
That coop looks a little flimsy.
(scoffs) Flimsy? This gentle pat says different.
D'oh! Now that you're officially my bird, let me fill you in on the pecking order around here.
The top dog is me, followed by the top dog, the dog then the cat and then you But don't feel bad.
You're ahead of Milhouse.
C'mon Bart.
How long can you stay mad? I thought your race car was a Transformer! Nothing's one thing anymore! Sorry, man, it's still too soon.
No problem.
I'll just be right behind this fence, whenever you're ready to forgive me.
Now? Do you forgive me now? Now? Now? I'm scared, Bart.
(gunfire) ANNOUNCER: Bored by black and white footage of World War II? Recently uncovered color footage will get you back in the game! Order this DVD now, featuring dictator commentary by Hitler and Mussolini.
And as a special bonus, the story of the carrier pigeon-- the Allies' winged warrior.
General Patton, this bird has a message for you.
There's a bomb in my helmet.
(grunts) Caesar can have his eagle, Alexander the Great his gryphon I'll take the American fighting pigeon any damn day! Wow, Ray, you have hidden talents! Is he good at tic-tac-toe, like that chicken I played, lost to, and ate at the State Fair? No, I was thinking we could use him to send messages back and forth.
Way ahead of you.
(chuckles) Mom, why am I so repulsed by pigeons? It doesn't make any sense.
I'm a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Amoebas, The League of Women Vultures, the NAAC Porcupines, Kids For Squids, the ACL Unicorns, Clamnesty International and, uh well, those are the best ones.
Sweetie, everyone has an animal they can't stand.
Indiana Jones had snakes, the Grizzly Man had grizzlies, and you know, I'm not crazy about opossums.
Really? Those creepy little claws (shudders) (rustling) Opossum! (stifled groan) Mom, it's just Maggie.
Oh! (chuckles) Aww Who's a possum? You're a possum.
What's that? I'll tell you later.
(groaning) Ooh! What the?! (mutters) (student coughing) All right, I won't ask who sent this note if I can use the bird to send a note of my own.
As long as it means we're not learning.
Deal.
"Every day since we broke up is the greatest day of my life.
" Is that from Edna? I feel for you, Seymour.
If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here for you.
"P.
S.
, Chalmers and I are doing it"?! She was on the rebound from Willie.
(mutters) Ooh, a carrier pigeon.
Perhaps an update on the siege of Khartoum.
"Do a ballet dance without no clothes on.
" Bad grammar, good advice.
(laughing) I'll catch up with you guys later.
(barking) Hey, Homer, you ever think about racing that bird? You can race pigeons? Hey, if it moves, you can bet on it.
What about the Detroit Lions? Now, now, lay off Detroit.
Them people is living in Mad Max times.
But I was thinking you could enter this bird in the annual Springfield to Shelbyville Birditarod.
Hmm? Hmm.
Me, the patriarch of a bird-racing dynasty.
(fanfare plays) Congratulations, Homer.
Danica Patrick in my thoughts! That's right, Homer.
I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fans' fantasies.
Better not tell Marge about this.
You Brickyard bimbo! (both grunting) (screams) (laughs) Ended that a little too soon.
(grunting) What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.
(grunts) (laughs) Hear that, boy? You're gonna be a racing pigeon.
It's getting a little chilly; I better put a blanket on Ray.
(barks) Whoa! Dad, help! Stupid dog! Let go of that delicious bird! (grunting) (gasps) (sobs): No! (grunts) (gulps) (burps) Come on out, birdie! Follow the sound of (echoing): my voice! It's just as well.
There's no such thing as a Birditarod.
It was just a trick to scam you out of your house.
Good day.
(singing "Taps"): Taps, taps, taps Taps, taps, taps Taps, taps, taps, taps, taps, taps Taps, taps, taps Taps, taps, taps What do you think, Mom? Well, ask your new father.
(horn honking) You haven't earned the right to say that to me.
Dearly beloved, I'd like to open this service with the words of Emily Dickinson: "Hope is the thing with feathers" Oh, stupid dog! (groaning) This funeral just got depressing.
Let's lighten up the mood, boys.
(snapping rhythmically) Gray skies are gonna clear up Put on a happy face Brush off the clouds and cheer up Put on a happy face.
Thanks.
That song does make me feel a little better.
It's from Bye Bye Birdie.
(sobbing) You really don't get it.
(panting) (over TV): The Itchy and Scratchy Show.
Your crimes against the animals have gone before the jury.
We probably should deliberate, but we're kind of in a hurry.
I never met a dog I didn't hate.
(chuckles) Ah, yes.
A little hair of the dog that bit me.
I hope you've learned something here.
(groans) Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, Bart has been very sad lately.
We know.
And we're going to do something about it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please don't do anything.
Not only have his grades gone up, but the enthusiasm has gone out of his pranks.
I mean, take a look at this.
(Marge groans) (chuckles) If anything, I was wondering if you could make him sadder.
How can you say a thing like that? Marge, listen to the man; he pays Bart's salary.
No, he doesn't.
Why can't you support my gibberish? I'd do it if you were stupid.
Marge, Homer, this marital discord is perfect.
But please, save it for home where your son can see it.
(groans): Oh! (clock ticking) Bart, Santa's Little Helper, come on in.
A shrink that takes kids and pets? Hey, in this economy, I'll even remove tattoos.
Even my tramp stamp? I got the idea from a show where people regret these.
Homie, why don't you study these? (laughs) (sobbing) (gasps) (frightened whimpering) Oh, baby.
Well, what do you know! Oh, come on! So, Marge, what I understand from our phone conversation is you have a very poor service provider.
I bought it because Catherine Zeta-Jones told me to.
What a fool I was.
Secondly, there's been a major breach of trust between Bart and Santa's Little Helper.
Well, he shouldn't kill birds.
It's not right.
That is correct, according to human standards.
But all a dog can do is follow his animal inclinations, right? I guess.
So, Bart, as the one with the larger brain Nicely done, boy.
maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
(growling) See? He's a questionable character.
He used to hang around racetracks, you know.
Bart, could you wait outside? (growling) It's not going to work.
You have to give the dog away.
Are you sure? As sure as I am that I'll be billing you for that torn magazine.
Oh, that's pretty sure.
Subscription rate, right? Newsstand.
D'oh.
(groans) Why is it coming with us? And for once, I'm not talking about Lisa.
It's amazing how I can feel sorry for you and hate you at the same time.
I'm sure there's a German word for it.
We're bringing the dog because we've found him a new home at a farm upstate where he can run and play all day.
You're gonna put him down? No! For once, a pet going to a farm upstate really is going to a farm upstate.
What about all the other pets you told us went to a farm upstate? Hmm.
Backyard, backyard, toilet, ocean, don't know, backyard, Flanders' mailbox, Lenny's freezer, tire fire.
This is where we're ditching the dog? Well, "ditching" is a harsh word.
Enough chitchat.
Time for Operation Dog Dump.
It wasn't really a lot of chitchat.
It was still too much.
We'll take good care of your dog.
I'm sure you will, because you take such good care of your ostriches.
(humming) D'oh.
Maybe we should get going.
Bart, sweetie, would you like to say good-bye? Well, boy, I guess this is it.
We've shared a lot of great memories, like the time we got our picture in the paper with the caption "Who's walking who?" I mailed them the answer, but they never printed it.
(sniffles) But it's not my fault you're leaving, it's yours.
Because you should never, ever kill a bird! Ever! I'd like a moment to myself.
(cell phone ringing) Ooh, unknown caller! (squawks) Hey! All right, you, give me back my phone and nobody gets hurt! (grunts) You said nobody gets hurt! Those were your exact words! (grunting) (whimpers) (squawking) (grunting) (screaming) So, Lisa, do you want an ostrich feather centerpiece? Not really.
Well, we've got to buy something.
(ostrich squawking, Bart screaming) Help! (barking) Kill the bird! (growling) Never kill a bird! Never kill a bird! (whimpering) Why, you little (pained squawking) Pa! You got to see this! Oh, right, I-I forgot.
(pained squawking) (groans): Oh.
More Oxycontin Candy, sweetie? Mm-hmm.
Well, boy, I guess I owe you an apology.
Who's a bird-eating monster? You are! You are! Yes, you are.
Aw.
Well, Bart learned a lesson, and most important of all, we don't have to stop and pick up dinner.
You do for me.
(Marge groans) (Homer choking) HOMER: Help me! Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  The Fight Before Christmas
The Simpsons s22e08 Episode Script
The Fight Before Christmas
(orchestral version of "Carol of the Bells" playing) MARGE (grunting): heavy! Aah! Wrong holiday, stupid.
MECHANICAL SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.
(speeding up): Ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho! I could use some help! Marge, I'm watching a rerun of an important bowl game.
ANNOUNCER: And that last touchdown makes it 67 to 13.
Maggie! Lisa, what are you doing? Marking a crime scene.
To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual, this tree was cut down and tarted up like a dime-a-dance floozy.
Oh Next you'll have a problem with my gingerbread house.
You mean your gingerbread McMansion.
Hey, show some respect.
Three gingerbread workmen died making that.
I'm sorry, but this leg's gonna have to go.
You're gonna be okay.
It's almost over.
Now to take care of the witnesses.
Hey, I need those cookies for Santa.
At least someone around here's got the Christmas spirit.
Yep.
Come midnight, I'll be sitting here with cold cookies, warm milk, and hot lead.
What? For the last three years, I've asked that rosy-cheeked nog-hog for a dirt bike, and all he brought me was a zillion lame-o toys that I immediately broke and threw in this bag.
(screeches) But you wanted those toys.
I wanted them till I got them.
But this year, I'm gettin' my dirt bike.
Even Mac Davis himself couldn't save this Christmas.
Great, Mom.
Now I lost track of my pump count.
One pump, two pump (frustrated groan) (clattering) Bowl full of jelly, pump lead in his belly (clock chimes) (train whistle blows) What? All aboard the Polar Express! Direct service to the North Pole, with stops at Candy Cane Corners, Sugarplum Square, Jack Frost Junction, Fa-La-La-La Lane, Nutcracker Street, and Hanukkah Heights.
Some "express.
" (Bart gasps) We're flying! Yep, she'll fly, all right.
You just got to keep her happy.
(inhaling deeply) (psychedelic rock melody plays) Strange days have found us Strange days have tracked us down Excuse me, Mr.
Goblin? Elf! I'm an elf! (growling) Whatever you say.
Um, look, how do I get to Santa? Oh, no.
Only the top elves get to meet Santa.
You start in the wrapping room.
That'll take you right down.
(Bart laughing) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'? That leads to the daycare center.
You take the freight elevator.
Isn't this the busy season? Where is everybody? Laid off.
After NAFTA, a lot of these jobs went to the South Pole.
Well, who needs wrapping paper, anyway? Just stick a bow on the toy and you're ready to go.
Bow, bow, bow, bow, bing, bang, boom! Ooh.
You are clearly too smart to be down here with these dingle-bells.
I'm promotin' you to Toy Inspector.
Uh, the rest of youse, you're laid off.
Scram.
I can't lose my health insurance.
My lungs are full of candy cane dust! (coughing) Hey, you twos can go work for the Easter Bunny.
Oh that's right.
He ain't real.
(chuckles) Kid, you got a lot of shoddy, money-saving ideas.
Like a major airline, but you were here on time.
Come with me.
(playing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" ) So you're the brown-nosed reindeer that's jingled all the way to the top.
Just point me to Santa.
Oh, I know what you're after.
The toy you never got.
You're out of your elfin mind.
Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this.
How many kids bring a gun to meet Santa? Okay.
You got me.
And I'm gettin' my dirt bike.
And you can't stop me.
Security! (sighs) No disrespect, fat man, but you'd better crap out a dirt bike.
Close the door, boy.
I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole! Listen here, Kringle.
I may have been naughty this year.
But by today's standards, naughty's nothing.
I didn't get anybody pregnant.
I didn't Facebook a kid to death.
Make with my dirt bike! Kid, this company's bust.
For years I've been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return.
It's not a sustainable business model.
Oh, come on, man.
Things aren't that bad.
They're pretty bad.
I'm eating my own reindeer here! Oh You win.
(chuckling) That's a good boy.
You go home now, and maybe there'll be a nice pair of work socks under your tree.
You don't have to do that.
I have socks.
I'll give you socks! Thanks, kid.
Now you better head home.
I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents have gotten worried.
Kids never change.
Always dumb as potatoes.
("Christmas in Hollis" begins) It was December 24th, on Hollis Ave at the dark When I seen a man chillin' with his dog at the park I approached him very slowly, with my heart full of fear Looked at his dog-- oh, my God!-- a ill reindeer! But then I was illin' 'cause the man had a beard And a bag full of goodies, So I turned my head a second and the man (train chugging) CHIEF WIGGUM: Pull over! Hey kid, you ever wanted a train for Christmas? This one's yours.
(screaming) Why can't they leave a poor tree in the woods where it belongs? "BING CROSBY": I'll be home for Christmas If only in my dreams.
Hey, hey, that song goes out to all the G.
I.
s overseas and the folks missing 'em here at home.
Brought to you by Chesterton cigarettes.
Chesterton-- they feel like me, singing in your throat.
Can it really be Christmas when one of our parents is facing the German army? Simpson, get your helmet on I'm trying.
It just keeps popping off.
Ach du lieber! (yelling) You can make it through this, Marge.
Just think of Homer.
Hey, Simpson.
How come you ain't in combat like a real man? I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.
(laughter) Kids, remember when I promised to feed us from that victory garden? Well, instead, I grew this tree.
Don't dare bring that thing in here.
What? You don't want a Christmas tree? That's crazy.
Next you won't want a Christmas ham.
Don't worry about that.
I love meat and I always will.
Mm-mm! That is some sweet pig meat.
But as for Christmas trees, I used to love them, until last year This tree reminds me of your father.
It's round in the middle, thinning on top, and your hands get sticky when you touch it.
Simpson, you're shipping out tonight.
Right before Christmas? Hitler doesn't take a holiday.
Well, he does, but he doesn't tell people till the last minute, so they can't make plans.
Bastard.
MARGE: But I oh So I never want to see another Christmas tree until Mom comes back, safe and sound.
(sniffs and sobs) Sweetie, if your mother was in trouble, they'd tell us as soon as they could.
Telegram! D'oh! Marge is Mia? Oh, my God! She changed her name! No, that says she's missing in action.
(sobbing): Oh, no! See? Every time we get a tree, Mom disappears.
Why couldn't it have been me? It still could be.
You just have to go down to the recruiting station and-- Shut up.
(sniffling) (sniffling) Huh? (gasps) Oh, no! This is where they took Mom from me.
(screams) (ominous tone): I've been waiting for you.
(cheerful voice): Your mom paid for this tree last year, but never took it.
I've watered it, kept it fresh, and every time I look at this blue spruce, it reminds me of your good old mom.
Here, let me trim it for you.
And decorate it a little.
It's a sign.
Mom's okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
My only sale all year and it's not even a sale.
Whose turn is it to cry? Yours.
(wailing, sobbing) Quit your bellyaching about Marge and let me read the paper.
HOMER (gasps): Look at that picture! (both sobbing, wailing) Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Huh? I thought you said you didn't want a tree.
Yes, but then I learned that there's always hope.
Someday this war will be over.
Someday our mom will be back.
Someday TV will be invented, and it will be free.
Then it will cost money.
But until then, this tree will stand for everything Mom believes in: home, family, and constantly sweeping up needles.
O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum ALL: Wie treu sind deine bl tter Du gr nst nicht nur Zur sommerzeit Nein auch im winter, wenn es schneit I pooped my tights.
(machine gun firing) Ah! Nein, nein, why did I go to the 9:00 show?! Das ist Hitler.
(machine gun fires) Auf Wiedersehen.
This is the last time I bring these two to bed at the same time.
I've always believed in you even when others didn't.
(snoring) Can you help save our family Christmas? Marge Simpson.
(Marge gasps) (postman yelling) Marge Simpson, I'm on my way.
Wake up, Marge.
Magical memories don't make themselves.
Martha Stewart! How did you get in here? A picket fence stood on its end makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.
Now let's make that bed.
A smattering of pinecones.
And with a little bit of work, this wedding dress can make a great dust ruffle.
B-But I was gonna-- oh Ooh! So this stuff will just shampoo out, huh? Why would you want to shampoo it out? (Bart and Milhouse laughing) Me and Milhouse had a snowball fight, then an ice-ball fight, then a fight-fight.
You boys want to play soldier? I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus's birthday.
I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Well, I'm not sure anyone asked your opinion.
(both grunting with effort) Squeeze your shoulder blades together.
Now march, and after an hour you can relax with some hand-shaved hot cocoa and a trial subscription to Martha Stewart Living.
BOTH (muffled): Yay! (hums "March of the Toy Soldiers" from The Nutcracker) And out.
Ms.
Stewart, I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles.
Lovely, dear, except I would have soaked the labels off with warm water.
Then I would have melted the plastic down in the double boiler and poured it into a candy mold.
And finally, I wouldn't have presented it quite so proudly.
I'll go outside and make snow angels.
Lie face down and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow.
Okay.
(Homer snoring) Now this is a challenge.
(orchestral instrumental of "Carol of the Bells" playing) There, a slumbering hubby is now a traditional Christmas tableau.
Copyright Martha Stewart.
(Homer muttering groggily) He's starting to wake up.
A little of my Hubby's Holiday Helper will calm him right down.
(concerned sigh) Don't worry, Marge, it's a good thing.
(anxious wailing) There, there.
Shh (sighs) Martha, the house looks beautiful.
It's like Christmas with a childless gay couple.
But it's just not the same without my family being themselves.
Well, thanks for wasting my time.
I'll just wave my magic wand and turn everything back the way it was.
You have a magic wand? Yes, I made it myself.
Take an old car antenna, marinate it overnight in the tears of a heartbroken leprechaun, bake at 350 till a rainbow shoots out of the oven, and there you go.
I guess I'll never have a perfect Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Mom! We brought you breakfast in bed.
Now we just have to make it.
It's beginning to look a lot like Breakfast Everywhere you go You'll be oh so pleased When the OJ is freshly-squeezed And the toast is made from homemade-- d'oh! We're gonna go out for breakfast We'll go out to eat It'll be any place you choose, as long as it's run by Jews 'Cause they don't think this holiday's so great.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" playing) Aloha'oe, aloha'oe (audience cheers, applauds) Hurry up, kids.
We got to get to the airport.
Did you get a good house sitter? Moe Szyslak, house sitter extraordinaire.
(audience booing) Sticks and stones may break my bones Ow! Hey, stop it! Ooh, cookies! (chewing noisily) Great at the chewing, not so hot at the swallowing.
Now, remember, pack only necessities.
(Homer laughs like Kermit the Frog) Hey, baby, it's Moe.
Calling youse from my new bachelor pad at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Yeah, okay, sugar plum, I'll see you soon.
Hey, get this off.
Hey, get this off! (Velcro crackles) (grunts, chuckles) Now nothing stands between us and sunny Hawa BURNS: Merry Humbug, everyone.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! What's wrong, Homie? I got the week off by telling Mr.
Burns I had a neck injury.
Mr.
Burns, why'd you come to see me? Well, last night, I had a visit from three spirits.
I wish this show had a visit from three new writers.
(both laugh) Wait, what's this? Carpetbags and portmanteaus? Going somewhere, Simpson? Uh, uh Hey, guys, uh, you'll need this on your trip to Hawaii aah! Hmm, your goblin fainted.
Not a goblin.
Simpson, where's your Christmas tree? (doorbell rings) Coming! FLANDERS: Homer, give me back my tree! (both grunting) (fabric ripping, Flanders screams) Well, I won't interrupt your holiday any longer.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good-- pop superstar/fashionista Katy Perry?! (audience cheers, applauds) What are you people doing in my boyfriend Moe's bachelor pad? That's right, she's into puppets.
Just what's going on here? Fine, I'll come clean.
(gasps) It's a Christmas miraculum.
No, it's not.
I just told a lie so we could go to Hawaii.
You lied to me.
Release the hounds.
(hounds barking) (barking stops) Oh, they'll be here any minute.
We, uh, blew the budget on Katy Perry.
(groans): D'oh.
Someone totally needs a hug.
I kissed a girl and I liked it.
All is forgiven, Simpsons.
Go and enjoy "Ha-vah-ee.
" (cheering) Just as soon as we sing one Christmas carol.
Oh, man, not the lame-o "12 Days of Christmas.
" Of course not.
I want to sing the original, unabridged "39 Days Of Christmas.
" And-a one and-a two ("12 Days of Christmas" intro begins) 39 fops a-fopping 38 fishwives hawking 37 coopers cooping 36 bootblacks buffing 35 buskers busking 34 something something 33 alchemists transmuting 32 Dutchmen plotting 31 doctors leeching 30-year average lifespan.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight's Simpsons episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut and the number e.
Not the letter e, but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself.
Well, it's been a long run, but I think this'll kill it.
What, The Simpsons? No, Christmas.
(both laugh) BART: We did that one already.
HOMER: Shh.
(grunting) I-I'll just kiss your belly button.
(kisses) Oh, uh, that's not my belly button.
But I didn't say stop.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  Donnie Fatso
The Simpsons s22e09 Episode Script
Donnie Fatso
(helicopter whirring) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (groaning) I don't even want to smell sparkling apple juice again.
Aw.
Poor baby.
Come on, Bart.
Afraid of a little apple juice? (laughing) Pig in a blanket! Dad's underwear.
Aunt Selma's leg.
I hate New Year's Eve.
I can't believe I made out with Ryan Seacrest on the TV screen.
(raspy groan) Let's just take it easy.
We all made mistakes on New Year's Eve.
There's only one upside to today.
(snoring) Come on, just one more drink, Marge.
BOTH: Happy New Year! Aah! (noisemakers blaring) MARGE: Everyone shush! Why are you hungover? I didn't see you drink last night.
I didn't.
I got secondhand wasted from smooching your father.
So not a peep out of anyone till the Fiesta Bowl.
That's not for five hours.
I know when the freaking Fiesta Bowl is! Sweetie, relax.
Let's just watch some TV.
(drums pounding) New Year's Eve might be over in America, but we're still rocking hard in Samoa.
And here come the Blue Angels waking up the shrieking wah-wah birds.
(jet engines roaring) (raucous squawking) (siren whoops) Well, well, well.
Simpson, you've committed Springfield's first crime of the new year.
Write him up, Lou.
Huh? What'd I do? Failed to separate your bottles and newspapers.
That used to cover two public nudities and a poop in the park.
(grumbles) Aah! That's vandalizing city property.
Write him up again, Lou.
What the hell?! Mild obscenity before 10:00 a.
m.
Also illegal.
Come on, Lou.
Give me a break.
Sorry, sir.
I take no pleasure in it.
Da-da-da, dee, da-da-da, da-hah Oh, yeah.
Since when is all this against the law? Since today.
As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances-- with, uh, outrageous financial penalties-- took effect.
Oh, I get it.
The government runs out of money, so they pass a bunch of lame-o laws to sock it to the little guy.
Fine.
You're telling it like it is.
Also a crime now.
And that one's going to cost you.
(Homer wails) That's almost $1,000! Rounding up your total-- that's a $50 fine.
(whimpers) Wow, Homer.
This year's only 11 hours old, and it's already your annus horribilis.
My New Year's resolution was to learn Latin.
Uh, listen, Homer-- I know a guy who fixes things for folks who need things fixed.
But, uh, I can't talk about it here.
Eh, still not private enough.
Uh, this is private, but a little dank.
Uh, whoopsie.
Glinda, Madame Morrible, flying monkeys there, can you tell me how I can get back to my bar? Moe, you've always had the power to get back to the bar.
Whoa! It's a chimpan-me.
Maybe we should let these people enjoy their show.
Homer, what you do is go down to window nine at the courthouse.
You slip the guy 100 bucks, and your record is as clean as Uh, I ain't got nothing, uh, clean to compare it to.
(groans) Ten minutes? I can't wait that long.
I left an ice cream cone in my cup holder.
(grunts) Hold on.
I will get help.
Must break glass.
(grunting) No! (chuckling) (guns cocking) Homer Simpson, you are under arrest for attempted bribery of a public official.
Chief, this is just a big misunderstanding.
I meant to write "bride.
" It's a wedding present.
Oh, how thoughtful.
Aah! My bribe! Cuff him, Lou.
Oh, this is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and it's ruined.
Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the federal penitentiary.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I can be out in 18 months with good behavior.
We're Simpsons, Dad.
We don't do good behavior.
Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior! (gagging) (angry shouting) Your Honor, I would like to request a sidebar.
Granted.
(grunting) (screaming) CHIEF WIGGUM: Ten years.
(clicking tongue) That is a long time to be away from your family.
All that time I'll be stuck in my cell, unable to exercise.
Actually, most convicts work out like crazy.
I repeat: unable to exercise.
Look, Simpson, there is one thing you can do to get out sooner, but, uh, it is extremely dangerous.
Simpson, we are currently conducting a 20-year investigation into the activities of Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico.
What, this guy? Oops.
(wry laugh) We're going to plant you in Fat Tony's gang as an undercover informant.
I can't go undercover with Fat Tony.
He's met me.
I've been in his house.
I was briefly his "conserigliary" consugly canoliar Robert Duvall.
Everyone knows Fat Tony, so we're going to plant you in the prison with a disguise and a new name.
Can I be Johnny Undercover? That's a little obvious.
Okay.
Melvin Mafia.
No.
You will be known as Nicky "Blue Pants" Altosaxophony.
Can I keep the name after I'm done? No.
It belongs to the government.
Oh.
MAN (over P.
A.
): No ice cream available! Children, stay away! (disappointed groans) (coos with admiration) Now, pay attention.
We're going to move in on Fat Tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of Belgian guns.
In your left sideburn is a fiber-optic camera.
In your right, a wireless mic.
To zoom in, you go, "Ayyy!" To zoom out, go, "Ohhh!" Ayyy.
Ohhh! Ayyy.
Ohhh! Fuhgetaboutit! That activates the auto-destruct.
(howling, hooting) Dear Lord, watch over my sweet Homie while he's in the hoosegow.
Keep him safe from shanks and shivs.
Let him become rich in the jail yard currencies of cigarettes and dried fish.
Uh, what's my name again? Okay, I'm coming.
(inmate shrieks) I'd like a third helping, please.
You do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons.
Just get the ladle down there deep.
That's where the beaks are.
Hey, you're that guy from the FB-- mmph! Time to go to work.
Stop licking my hand.
There was barbecue sauce on it.
Here's how it goes down: I rough up Louie.
Then you stand up to me, earning his trust.
But I haven't earned his trust if it's based on a lie.
Enough of your dime-store morality.
What's a dime store? I (groans) Aah! (guards laughing) Blue pants power! Ow! Hey.
Hey, Nicky Blue, you're one tough yegg.
If you come out of your beating in one piece, you and I should have a face-to-face.
Beating? What beating? (gasps) Oh, that beating.
Don't worry.
We're not going to touch you.
We'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks.
Can I have any of the steaks? No.
(screaming) HOMER: That's so mean! Whoa! I'm impressed over here with that guy over there.
Please! Let me have it! (agonized yelling) Come on! Give it to me right in the mouth! (Homer wails) (sighs) Well, back in my keister you go.
We brought someone to spring you.
Now, let us escort you to freedom.
How are you going to do that? Let's just say this prison was built by Mob construction workers.
He's in.
Aw, for-- I was going to say that! What's going on? I called the prison and they won't tell me where Homer is.
Sorry, Marge, I can't tell you.
(sighs) If it makes you feel better, I can tell you about someone else.
Ooh! How about Krusty in the drunk tank? Aha.
(slurring): If, if Jews control the media, why can't I get on Jimmy Kimmel, huh? Huh? (frustrated groan) So.
What do you think of the sauce? I detect a distinct lack of oregano.
I'll take care of this.
You carry oregano with you? Oregano, basil, rosemary I-I think I got a ketchup packet for you, boss.
Did you order French fries and not use it? Well, they gave me two packets, but I only needed one.
What other secrets are you hiding from me? I-I-I bring my own candy to the movie theater.
Louie My beloved Anna Maria.
I hope Heaven's powder room is painted that eggshell blue (cell phone buzzing) you could never achieve on Earth.
(sniffs) (snuffling): Sorry, boss.
No apology necessary.
I am touched.
You and me, Nicky.
We feel.
Legs, Louie, Jimmy the Axe, Tommy the Face-Shooter-- they never share my grief.
(scoffs) Yeah.
Those guys are probably FBI informants.
You think an informant could get that close to me? Oh, yeah.
I got in your gang, and you barely know who I am.
That is good counsel indeed.
You have earned my complete, unquestioning trust.
But first, one little thing.
You must make your bones.
Wh-What are we doing here? I will tell you.
When I call for my Russian business partner, Yuri Nator, I don't expect to be screamed at like I was some ten-year-old punk making a prank call.
Yuri Nator? Yuri Nator! Hey, my mouth is begging for a Yuri Nator! (laughing) Be careful what you wish for.
Why, you I'm going to chop you into little pieces, and make you into a Rubik's cube, which I will never solve! Well, I guess I could tell him he could improve his phone etiquette.
Tell him with fire.
(anxiously): Ooh-hoo.
What's the matter, Nicky? You got a problem with this job? Oh, no, no! I was, uh, just thinking how cheap this crime would've been in the 70's, when gas was 35 cents a gallon.
It was either this, or put in a ladies' room.
(sirens approaching) Exquisite.
As a reward, I've planned a little surprise for you.
(yells) This is horrible! I keep smelling my own breath! Nicolas Blue Pants, you have shown great fazagabool in the face of overwhelming spoogatzagatini.
Huh? You're a made man, my friend.
Welcome! Ooh Nicky, welcome to the family.
From now on, you don't know where you end and we begin.
Your problems are our problems.
My neck is kind of itchy.
Then all of our necks are itchy.
Now that you mention it, itchy like crazy! I gotta shave my back.
Aw.
Nicky, my friend, tonight is a big score I've been setting up for months.
Just you and me.
Sharing it together.
To heterosexual male friendship, the kind the Greeks wrote about.
(foghorn blares) Huh? Here they are! My Belgian guns.
Belgian guns.
I've been waiting half my life for this moment.
SUPERVISOR (over radio): All units, move in! Tony, you got to get out of here, now! What? Why? Don't ask questions, just go! What's gotten into you? You're as nervous as a cat when Johnny Kick-A-Cat walks into the room.
Verlaat de vuurwapens op het dok En wij kunnen een Chimay bier drinken! Get a shot of Tony with the guns.
(nervously): Um, eh FBI SUPERVISOR (over radio): Closer.
Ayyy FBI SUPERVISOR: Too close.
Ohhh! Closer.
Ayyy.
Too close.
HOMER: Ohhh! Perfect.
Wait a minute.
(sirens wailing) How could you, Nicky? I would have given you everything.
In the strip club of my heart, you held the key to the champagne room.
I loved you, man.
(gasps) He's dead.
No.
You're wrong! Check again! Fuhgetaboutit.
Homer, I just want to say that of all the rat bastards we've had working for us, you were the snitchiest.
So that's it.
You used me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket? We didn't say you could use the blanket.
And I'm not gonna shake your hand.
Poor Tony.
He didn't deserve this.
He was just a soldier in a war he started.
(cooing happily) Homie, I know you had a terrible experience, but it's over.
It's not over, Marge.
It'll never be over.
When I shut my eyes, all I see is Fat Tony and me having drinks at that bar on the beach.
You never took me to that bar on the beach.
Oh.
Well, uh you wouldn't like it; it's not very good.
Sounds pretty good.
No, no, I oversold it.
(thunder rumbles) I'd give anything to bring you back.
MALE VOICE: Wake up, Homer.
HOMER: Huh? Wha? (gasps) Fat Tony.
No.
I'm his cousin from San Diego-- Fit Tony.
Wow, I've never seen a mobster use a track suit for exercising.
And there's no better exercise than killing and disemboweling a big, fat snitch.
I understand.
I loved him too.
(sobbing) Your tears seem in no way crocodilian.
Do what you got to do.
The quicker you kill me up here, the quicker he can kill me down there.
Join me on the elliptical machines.
I will let you live for I worked for Fat Tony.
And he was the best boss I ever had.
Well.
This is awkward.
What? Oh, uh, Mr.
Burns! Uh, you were cool, too.
Oh, I so believe that.
He took me to a fight that he fixed, but he never let on, not even when I bet $500 on the wrong guy.
(chuckling) Then he said he would dope a horse for me.
Homer, it is time to switch your elliptical machine to cool-down mode.
Are you going to kill me now? 'Cause I'm super ready.
No.
Because my cousin lives on in your memories.
And to extinguish you would be to whack what still remains of him.
Wow.
The killers have been kind to me.
While the people who are supposed to protect me treated me like dirt! What kind of a world is this? It's pretty screwed-up.
That's why I keep my friends close.
And your enemies closer? No, why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me.
HOMER: Fit Tony took his cousin's place running the Springfield mob.
The pressures got to him, so he started to eat.
Soon, he was known as "Fit Fat Tony," then just "Fat Tony" for short.
And me? Now I'm just an average schnook like everyone else, stuck in this backwater burg where all you can count on is your family, and the only one who ever shot anyone is the baby.
I have to admit, it's a pretty good life.
(Sid Vicious' "My Way" playing) Regrets, I've had a few But, then again, too few to mention I did what I had to do I saw it through without exemption I planned each chartered course Each careful step ("My Way" fades out) Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 22  >  Moms I'd Like To Forget
The Simpsons s22e10 Episode Script
Moms I'd Like To Forget
(whimpers) (crow caws) (gasps) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) Ooh! (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (alarm clock rings)) (happy music playing) (grunting, sighing) Dodgeball! (kids cheering, whooping) GIRL: Yay, Dodgeball! We're down to our final four huckers! Three wily fourth graders and one scrappy fifth gradesman! To the death! (kids shouting) ("Pipeline" by the Ventures playing) (grunts) (cheering) (bell clangs) (fireworks whistling, exploding) (whooshing) (rumbling, crackling) (explosions) ("Pipeline" ends) (kids shouting) (grunts) Ha ah ah Where do you want your ball mark, face or belly? How about in your dreams! Hee-yah! (balls whooshing) (grunting) (kids shouting, cheering) I'm not the coach! There is no coach! I just wanted to see if you were wearing a bra.
Oh.
(chuckles) Your four eyes saw a lot today, Milhouse.
What's the skinny? The fifth graders played a great game.
They got a great program up there.
Great fans! But this was just our day.
Whatever happens, they can never take away Aah! The ball never touched the ground-- and I caught it! That means fifth graders win! No way! What a rip! Shut your gobs! I only took this refereeing job 'cause I was cold and needed a shirt! (kids cheering, Willie gasping) (Willie snoring) (snoring continues) (Willie grunts) (kids cheering, Willie snoring) (ominous music plays) I hate you fifth graders! I deem this victory Pyrrhic! ALL (chanting): Pyrrhic! Pyrrhic! Your response is puerile! ALL (chanting): Puerile! Puerile! (to "The Old Gray Mare"): There goes the fifth grade Floatin' down the Delaware Chewin' on their underwear, can't afford another pair Ten days later, bitten by a polar bear That's how the polar bear died.
(groaning, chattering) How dare they dishonor the lyrics of "Old Gray Mare"! How dare they! (grunting) Zach! Zach! Who did this to you? It was it was the fourth graders! (dramatic orchestral music plays) I like to think my kids would know how to lose gracefully.
In the fifth grade, we teach character.
Mike, let's be adults here.
You're right, Edna.
(coughs): Fourth sucks.
Oh, that's it! (bell dings) (steam hissing) (screams) (old-time Western saloon piano playing) (grunting) (vicious yelling) (yelling) (grunts) (grumbles) Why, I oughta Hey, fourth graders, can you help us with our fractions? Oh, wait, you can't.
(laughter) They ain't even read Where the Red Fern Grows yet.
(laughter) That's it! We challenge you to a rumble.
Challenge accepted.
This is gonna be great! A real rumble, just like in that movie where the Jets fought the Sharks.
Hmm ("Jet Song" from West Side Story playing) Rumble it is! After school, rain or shine.
(thunder crashing) Anybody want to wait for shine? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Definitely shine.
It's agreed-- no biting, no throwing rocks, no face farts, flying face farts, backdoor haircuts, 'nad noogies, moist Michaels, and absolutely no "Brazilian hardwood.
" Is this a rumble or a harvest dance? Okay, you want hardwood? No, no, no, no.
Then let's do this thing.
(angry muttering) You know, if they do this regularly, maybe it could count as gym.
Did you wear those same clothes yesterday? No.
I have two identical sets of these clothes.
I see.
With a stain on the shirt in the exact same place? (sighs) Things aren't good at home.
(ominous drum beating) Rumble! Why don't you head on home, pal.
Bless you.
(grunts) Huh? Where'd you get that scar? I had it as long as I can remember.
Why? You call that a scar?! This is a scar! That's your belly button.
Everybody's got one.
(sobbing): I thought I was special.
When did this happen? You sure none of you guys gave me this? I'm going through my bully logbook here, but I just don't see it.
- Don't be afraid to use your glasses.
You shut up! Ow! "January 9, whaled on Jimbo with this book.
Awaiting results.
" (sobs, sniffles) "Unqualified success.
" (metallic clatter) Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower? Can't start the day without that fresh- from-the-circus feeling.
(humming calliope music) (groans) Mom, do you have any idea how I got this scar? (groans) I was afraid this day would come.
Ew! You're sitting on the toilet! When it's closed, it's a chair.
When you were little, I used to take you to a Mommy-and-Me toddler gym.
You were friends with three other boys, and I became close with their moms.
But they were a bad influence on you.
Ah such an innocent time.
Before cooties ravaged our community.
How come we don't get together anymore? The moms and I had a falling out, which was a shame-- we had been such good friends.
Whoa! You don't look like a mom, you look happy.
We called ourselves the "Cool Moms.
" There's nothing cooler than calling yourself cool.
Maybe we could get back together.
Awesome! I'll get the white wine.
You can't buy white wine! Why not? Are you having red meat? Oh! Are you through with the chair? I've got to do the taxes.
It's all yours.
(mumbling): number of dependents, three.
Um, add to line 13 Hmm, better check last year's return.
Hm.
Seven years.
A lot of memories.
Talking, chatting.
Remember how we used to reminisce? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You know who was really happy to get back together? Our husbands! Been a while since our wives got together, huh? Mm.
Whatever.
(snorts) Why are we getting together again? I was so happy when it stopped.
Let's just shut up and get through this, all right? (Homer smacking lips like ticking clock) Homer, stop doing that.
(smacking lips like ticking clock) Homer! (text message alert ringing) Ooh, I got a text! I got a text.
Are you gonna open it? No, that page isn't optimized for cell phone use Why am I talking to you?! Because you're my best friend in the room.
BART: Wow! We all have the same scar! So how'd you get yours? My mom won't tell me.
My mom will tell me how my dad is in bed, but not about this.
Ever do a cold drop out of a tree house? Only, like, every day.
More like all day every day.
(loud grunting) BART: Cowabunga! (laughter) (coughing) Check out my gnarly backwards foot! (laughter) (slowly stops laughing) (groans) (laughter) I said, "For the price of this coffee, I should have just flown to Brazil.
" (laughter) Anyone see a good beer commercial lately? Asinine.
Everything you say is asinine.
Those dudes were intense.
I'm glad you had fun, because we're all getting together next week.
Great.
Great.
Oh, and, Homie, can you come home early from work tomorrow so I can have a girls' night out? Sure, I'll stay home and Skype with the guys at Moe's.
Hey, how you doing, Home (distorted buzzing) Stupid Flanders' Wi-Fi.
(grunts) Uh, that wasn't the Wi-Fi.
My Bell's palsy's acting up.
(distorted buzzing) Yeah, it can be tough, but, you know, I try to stay posit (distorted buzzing) (volume lowering) (buzzing fades) I've been dying to try it.
Marge, who are you cutting up that chicken for? The kids aren't here.
Huh? Oh.
Myself, I guess.
Who's kicking? No one.
No one's kicking.
Sorry.
I'm just not used to everyone behaving.
Oh, Marge.
If you don't have a life outside your kids, how do you expect to be happy? I've got a great idea.
From now on, the four of us will get together every Tuesday.
Go out on a Tuesday? Who am I, Charlie Sheen? Fine, I'll do it.
Oh (gasps) Oh (humming jaunty tune) (gasps) Oh "Ion.
" Hmm.
(gasps) No.
"Irene Ryan is (gasps) (tires squeal) TV's Granny.
" (car door closes) MARGE: Thanks for the ride! (vehicle drives away) Hmm? (chuckling) This is late for Marge.
I assume.
I've never been home at this hour.
(Santa's Little Helper barking) MARGE: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Hey, Marge.
Partaking of the grape, were we? (slurring): Just a little Merlot Mmm You want to stay up and talk a while? Are you sleepy? I'm not sleepy.
(laughing) And Anita's family rented a beach house, and guess what? They went to the beach every day.
Oh, great.
That's great.
But I have to get to work in the morning.
But I don't want a beach house.
Sand makes me sad because it used to be big rocks.
But not anymore.
Not anymore (both sobbing) Kind of weird, us all being naked in here.
(sighs) We're not naked.
Right.
Neither am I.
Listen, any of you guys want to play Old Maid? Don't be a wuss.
We all did it.
Chicken! (all clucking) (all clucking) If I do it, you're supposed to stop! Don't tell a chicken when to cluck.
You're not the chicken, I'm the chicken! Chicken! (all clucking) (groans) Ooh, three! Bart? Hey.
(coughing) They dared me to see how many TV remotes I could stick in my mouth.
We've got to stop Mom from going out with those women.
Something drove them apart once before.
And I bet it has something to do with this scar.
I've seen this mark before.
On you, every time you come in.
(laughing) I believe it had something to do with Comic Book Guy.
Comic Book Guy? Thanks.
Listen.
Are you going to see him now? You can give him some news for me.
Tell him it's the worst prognosis ever.
(laughing) Oh! I knew this day would come.
Although frankly, I thought it would have been a long time ago.
You are very uncurious about your body.
All right, Comic Book Guy.
Tell me my origin story.
I will not relive the horror of that day! The answer is "no," and I can say it in Na'vi or Klingon, which are pretty much the same.
I have some theories on that which I will share with you never.
You leave me no choice.
I hold in my hands a mint-condition copy of the legendary Interesting Stories Number 27.
Oh! Oh, the first appearance of Radioactive Man.
And if you don't tell us what we want to know (cries out) How do I know that is not a cheap reprint? Are you willing to take that chance? Yes.
No! No! No! I'll tell you what you want to know.
Could we hurry this up? I am really uncomfortable being a girl in this store.
Very well.
I shall tell you what happened to you and your friends several years ago.
But for you to understand it, I must go back a little further.
Our story begins with the creation of Middle Earth, as recounted in the Ainulindal and the Valaquenta.
Behold Melkor, proudest of the Ainu! Look, pal, we've gotta speed this up.
Fine.
Children just want to know what is and not why it is.
(slurping) Your scar, like Tom Cruise's last good movie, was born on the Fourth of July.
It was seven years ago, a time when "twilight" meant the end of the day and not the most barftastic horror franchise of all time.
(crying) (confused jabbering) Earth's single sun was setting, and the Mayor began to speak Even though most of this town collaborated with the British, and we are still in informal talks to return to their empire, we all love fireworks! CROWD: Yay! Traditionally, the Fourth of July fireworks were operated by the person most likely to be sober and dateless.
Once again, the honor fell to me.
(boom) (cheering) This is your TV for the year, kids.
And the embers is your dinner.
(explosions, crowd exclaiming) While I was busy tending to a critical matter of great delicacy, you and your diaper-wearing droogs ruined everything! (explosions) (crowd gasping) (panicked shouts) (gasps) (boom) (scorching hiss) (boys cry out) (groans) And that is when the four of you each received the mark of the sword.
Hmm.
Every Fourth of July I remember that fallen hero.
God, how I miss you.
So, what's the plan again? I go to see those other guys, we blow this junk up, once again Mom decides that they're a bad influence on me, and she stops seeing those women who make her so happy.
(gasps) What are you boys doing? Uh, we're doing a project on uh, uh, uh the subject of something pertaining to here it comes Milhouse, I'm getting tired of waiting.
Can I go home and think of a lie? Yes, you may.
Mom I'll admit it: I wanted to create a devastating explosion to get back my mom.
Aw, Bart, sweetie I love you kids with all my heart, but damn it, I need something for myself! I made you a coffee mug on Mother's Day! Isn't that enough? It's close, but no.
I could light these, but it wouldn't be the same.
(laughing) Well, I've put it off but today I'm finally getting this garage organized.
(loud explosion) HOMER (dazed): Guess I'll put these tools away.
Hang 'em on hooks and such.
So Bart, the little dickens, was gonna set off an explosion to break us up.
Can you believe it? (giggles) Actually, we can believe it.
What are you talking about? Your son always was the bad apple of the bunch.
You know nothing about my son and even less about apples.
(gasps) (gun cocks, fires) I remember why I left this group seven years ago, and it's why I'm leaving now.
Good day, ladies.
Well, since she's gone (all giggle) Come here, you.
Sorry you broke up with your friends, Mom.
Oh, I think they were never my friends.
Maybe true friends aren't random people you meet at a Mommy-and-Me class.
They're random people you meet in a college dorm.
Maybe Lisa and I can be friends.
Not with each other, but with you.
Oh Ow! Ah! Grr.
Hey, does Dad know you and the cool moms broke up? Well, Homer got along so well with the other dads, I couldn't break it to him.
Oh.
Can we at least drink beer or something? Why do you keep trying to engage us? Hey-diddily-hi, Homer.
Oh, you beautiful man! Oh that feeling is Mutual of Omaha.
God, you're hilarious.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes
The Simpsons s20e01 Episode Script
Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SHRIEK) BART: Woo-hoo! St.
Patrick's Day.
I love how they made the river green.
Actually, my nuclear plant did that.
And now that you know, your life is in danger.
(HUMS HAPPY TUNE) Greetings, fellow Irishmen and lady Irishmen.
I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell "The Edge" Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St.
Patrick's Day! (ALL BOOING) Come on, people.
Your drunken shenanigans destroy this town every year.
And Ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits.
The Irish gave the world the paddy wagon, the shamrock shake, and folk dancing where you don't move your arms.
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING) (EX CLAIMS) Where's the IRA when you need 'em.
(IN IRISH ACCENT) We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb.
(ALL CHEERING) (SIGHS) In the old days we would've been all over that.
(BAND PLAYING IRISH MUSIC) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) (SILENCE) (CHILDREN CLAMORING) (BAND PLAYING HEROIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Oh, no.
The Northern Irish are also having a parade.
Two kinds of Irish people? What are they fighting over? Who gets to sleep in the bathtub? Actually, those Prots and Cathies have hated each other for centuries.
(SIGHS) It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.
(BOTH SPEAKING IRISH-ACCENTED GIBBERISH) Stop it, both of you! You have a common land, a literature, and the sweetest songs on earth! (SINGING) Too-ra-Ioo-ra-Ioo-ral Too-ra-Ioo-ra-li Hush, my little baby Hush now, don't you cry ALL: Too-ra-Ioo-ra-Ioo-ral Too-ra-Ioo-ra-li Too-ra-Ioo-ra-Ioo-ral That's an Irish lullaby (ALL CRYING) Oh, no! Without the booze, these guys all remember how much they hate each other! (EX CLAIMS) This was such a pleasant St.
Patrick's Day until the Irish people showed up.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING) Urchins! They took my cupcakes! (IRISH ACCENT) All right, you unwanted miracles, give back the lady's cupcakes.
You don't have the teeth for it.
(IRISH ACCENT) Aye, but we could gum the frosting.
Well, if it's good gumming you're after, wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage? CHILDREN: Cabbage, cabbage! Here you go, ma'am.
Not a sprinkle nor jimmy askew.
Thank you so much, Mr Patrick Farrelly at your service.
Marge Simpson.
Well, Mr.
Farrelly, the least I could do is offer you a cupcake.
Mmm.
Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention.
Marge, I own a small bakery.
Will you bake for me? Me? A professional baker's employee? Imagine how different my life would be.
Here we are at school, kids.
Hey, what are those boxes in the back? - Cakes! - BOTH: See ya.
- I'll do it! - Bless your heart.
- You won't regret it.
- I already don't.
Homer! I've got great news! I'll use my one phone call to find out all about it! Mulk request change of venue.
Green monster cannot get fair trial in downtown Springfield.
Granted.
Homer Simpson? You're a repeat offender.
Three-peat.
Bail is set at $25,000.
(SCOFFS) I make that in a year.
I suggest you see a bail bondsman.
Okay, Simpson.
All of your information checks out.
I called your boss to verify your employment, and he says you're fired for getting arrested.
(LAUGHING) You'd be amazed how often that happens.
Oh! We'll put up your bail money.
Just pay us 10 percent and show up for your court date.
And if I don't show up? Then you gotta deal with me.
The name's Wolf, and I'm a bounty hunter.
If someone skips bail, I track 'em down and bring 'em back.
I also take a tooth, make a plastic cast, put it on this necklace, then replace the tooth at my expense.
Well, time to go back to my world of sleazy bars, tattoo parlors, and greasy spoons.
What a great job.
And I could use a job right now.
Whoa! Not just anyone can be a bounty hunter.
You have to pass an online exam.
No, wait.
They got rid of that.
There is a ten-dollar filing fee.
But you can get around it.
Congratulations.
You're now a bounty hunter.
Mmm.
Okay.
I've set my trap.
Now to scatter my cheese cubes and the rats will come.
Condos! Affordable condos! Bail jumpers welcome! "Bail jumpers welcome.
" That's refreshing, after the cold shoulder we got at the Town Homes at Sterling Point.
Let's not get too excited till we find out if it's in a good school district.
Well, so wait.
Are we telling people now? Stop! In the name of a private citizen with no connection to the law! Now are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to (SCREAMS) Now let's think about this.
If you shoot me, I won't be able to stop you and you'll be free to go.
But someone may come after you.
Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you.
What I'm trying to say is, not shooting me now would be the biggest mistake of your life.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (GROANS) Huh? Bullet-proof glass.
Flanders? Yep.
I'm just replacing the front window of my store, which was broken in the riot.
Young man, what would your mother say if she knew you were shooting nice people in the brain? She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst decision I ever made.
Well, son, if you take responsibility for your actions, this could be the start of a better life for you.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should just (SNAKE GASPING) This case is in the bag! Homer, you could've killed him! I sure could've.
Thanks to you.
Now I can clearly see potential customers walk right past my store.
Enjoy your shopping elsewhere.
Hey, Ned.
I brought you something.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) - What the - It's your share of the money for bringing in that bail jumper.
Ned, I never thought I'd say this, but we make a great team.
Us? A team? As the salad said to the soup, I'm all mixed up.
We should be bounty hunters together.
You're kind and smart.
I'm cruel and strong.
Together, we're nothing.
But together, we're the perfect bounty hunter.
Well, I could use money.
But you have to promise me something, Homer.
- Sure.
What is it? - We have to do everything by the book.
And you have to promise no "diddilies" or "doodlies.
" My friend, you have a dealaroonie! Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Marge, your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing.
Well, thanks.
But I've been wondering.
Why do you only have me make spheres, rods, and half-moon shapes? (NERVOUSLY) Well, Marge, I'll tell you, (DOOR OPENING) Right after I talk to these customers.
(CHUCKLES) We're going to a bachelorette party for a really naughty girl.
Yeah.
We need something tasty and tasteless.
I've got just the thing, courtesy of my newest baker.
Freshly frosted ass cake.
(BOTH MURMURING EX CITEDLY) Oh, my God.
This is an erotic bakery! BOTH: Mmm.
Delicious.
Now what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli? We have quite a selection.
- (LAUGHS EX CITEDLY) Yes! Oh, boy.
- I'll leave you with the book.
How could you not tell me this is an erotic bakery? Marge, calm down.
For as long as there's been baking, there's been erotic baking.
It fills a need and harms no one.
(SCOFFS) Harms no one? Explain that to Well, what about I think you forgot about My number-one customers are married couples, your friends and neighbors.
I just made a custom order for the Hibberts.
It's an exact replica of the good doctor's - I don't want to know! - It's not what you think it is.
Good.
- It's his penis! - That's exactly what I was thinking! Marge, this is a valuable public service.
Without your baking, people like me will be forced into back alleys, repurposing Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.
You have a great gift.
Don't let it go to waste.
Well, okay.
This Taser is awesome! Finally, a practical use for electricity.
Dear Lord, thank you for creating so many evil criminals for us to bring in.
And also, thank you for my partner Homer, who Did you just Taser my coffee? Just warming it up.
Now to melt the cheese in this croissant.
And get rid of a little excess earwax.
(GRUNTING) And smoke a relaxing cigar.
- Homer, can we take it easy on the Taser? - No problem.
- (GASPS) Our first bail jumper! - Let's roll.
(TASER VIBRATING) Homer, take the Taser out of your pants.
No, it looks cool! (ELECTRIC A VENUEPLAYING) (SINGING) Boy! Boy! Down in the street there is violence And a lots of work to be done - MAN: Who's there? - Bible salesman.
No place to hang out our washing And I can't blame all on the sun, oh no We gonna rock down to Electric A venue And then we'll take it higher Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric A venue And then we'll take it higher Workin' so hard like a soldier Daddy's home! I brought you kids some stuff from work! Here you go, son! Shell casings! Whoa! There's still bullets in some of these! Point them away from your sisters when you hammer them.
Yes, sir! What'd you get for me? Something for the sweetest little scientist in the world.
A new chemistry set! - Dad, is this from a meth lab? - The biggest one in town! This is evidence.
Evidence that I love my little girl.
Marge, I brought you some flowers.
A full dozen this time! No tricks.
Homie! I got you something, too! A sterling silver picture frame with pictures of our kids in it.
Yes, for now.
I guess things are working out pretty good at your bakery job.
Maybe we could order one of your cakes for Lisa's birthday.
- How dare you? - What'd you do that for? Sorry.
Sorry.
Muscle spasm.
(MARGE LAUGHING) I'm not convinced.
Still on the fence.
Now I believe you.
He'll be here sooner or later.
(HOMER HUMMING) So how about a little stakeout music? (CHUCKLES) Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
Well, I like AC/DC.
I like their Christian cover band, AD /BC.
(SINGING) Kindly deeds done for free Kindly deeds Done for free Kindly deeds done for free Kindly deeds and they're done for free Kindly deeds and they're done for free I've never seen anyone eat pizza like that.
You gotta try it! This way the pepperonis stay intact until they reach your stomach.
Then bam! Man! That's harder to swallow than evolution! You've gotta roll it from the point.
Here.
Let me show you.
- Not bad.
- Now let it unfurl in your stomach.
(EX CLAIMS) There he is! (GASPS) (TIRES SQUEALING) Kitten whiskers! There's one thing he didn't count on: My reckless indifference to human life! Lord, in your mercy, could you give my friend a stroke? Seymour, those string beans were cooked to perfection.
After twenty years, I am finally starting to like you.
Just wait for dessert, sir.
I made it with you in mind.
Outstanding.
I'll just shut my eyes and let you place it before me.
(GARY EX CLAIMS IN SHOCK) AGNES: Seymour, what's going on? I'm coming down there! Quick! We'll have to eat from each end.
We'll know we're safe when our lips meet in the middle.
(BIG TONY SCREAMS) Homer, you can't drive a car onto a subway.
You need a special sticker just to bring a bike! Have you no respect for the law? Hey, it worked, didn't it? Okay, smart guy! You're going in the bag! (GASPING) Wait.
I left a sandwich in there.
(BIG TONY GASPS) Homer, no.
You promised.
Everything was supposed to be by the book.
You know what your problem is? You haven't become as bad as the people we chase! This partnership is over! I'll tell you what's over: This partnership! You know, if you'd take your foot off the accelerator going downhill, you wouldn't use so much gas.
(SIGHS) I can't take another word out of you.
(HOMER GASPING) I can't believe Flanders dumped me.
Marge, do we have any more of your extra-Iong Twinkies? Oh, no! Those were for Mr.
Smithers' commitment ceremony! Marge, what's going on? (MARGE SIGHS) Homie, I've got a confession to make.
I'm an erotic baker.
(GASPS) I hid it all in the one place you'd never look.
Marge, I could see you withholding sex or withholding cake.
But withholding sexy cake? I know we have to move past this but I don't see how.
Homie, what do you say we go to bed? You, me, and the cake? First, why don't you and I and the cake take a shower? Oh.
(SIGHS) Lucky Jim, I'm out of the bounty hunting business.
Not so fast, Ned.
I got one more bail jumper for you to pick up.
Forget it! I'm turning in my Well, I don't really have anything to turn in.
So that's that! I suggest you call Homer Simpson! This is one jumper that Homer can't catch.
- (GASPS) Homer? - Seems he never showed up in court - on his St.
Patrick's Day arrest.
- Not interested.
All right.
If you don't want the job, I'll just give it to one of these guys.
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING) I'm sure they're all competent professionals.
But you'd best leave it to me.
Hello? Hello? Anybody home? You jumped bail, Homer.
I gotta bring you in.
What have you done to my family? I figured a good time to pick you up was when they were at Lisa's recital.
And how did you know I wouldn't be there? Lucky guess.
Well, you'll never take me alive! Forgot my keys.
(HOMER GRUNTS) (PANTING) - I loved you, man! - For the last few weeks.
But most of the time I've known you, you've treated me like dirt.
You hang onto resentment like a Confederate widow! I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Yeah.
But you hold onto the big things! The point is the more I got to know you, the more I got to like you.
I like you, too.
But you broke the law.
So I gotta bring you in.
So it's gonna be like that, eh? (GRUNTS) (BA TMAN THEMEPLAYING) I got you, my friend.
Thanks.
But what are you holding onto? Well, I'm (BOTH SCREAMING) (HOMER SIGHS IN RELIEF) Now all we have to do is get out before the concrete hardens.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Damn it.
"Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.
" Thus ends the Book of Malachi.
(LAUGHS) I guess I did know the whole Old Testament by heart.
Out with the Old, in with the New.
Testament that is.
Matthew 1.
"The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David, "the son of Abraham.
"Abraham became the father of Isaac.
Isaac became the father of Jacob.
"Jacob became the father of Judah and his brothers.
"Judah became the father of Perez and Zarah by Tamar.
" Simpson, we're gonna put you away for a long, long time.
Make it life and you've got a deal.
MARGE: Don't feel too bad, Homie.
You'll be free tomorrow.
And I used all my new baking skills to make a special cake to remind you of me.
(CHUCKLES EX CITEDLY) Baby! Thanks, Marge.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Lost Verizon
The Simpsons s20e02 Episode Script
Lost Verizon
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) BART: Ay, caramba! (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Out of gas? But how? I put a dollar in this morning and we've only driven 90 cents! You had to drive with the windows down, didn't you, Rockefeller? Now get some gas while I read my bingo strategy guide! Let's see B-12.
(TRUCK HORN HONKING) (CARS HONKING) (GASPING) I did it! Bonehead.
Huh? This counts as a parent/teacher conference! (EX CLAIMS) Am I seeing this right? I am! Time to spread the word! - Hey, Milhouse.
- Talk to me.
Skinner's doing what? (CELL PHONE RINGING) - I'm on my way! - I'm on my way! (CHILDREN LAUGHING) (CARS HONKING) (PANTING) (GRUNTS ANGRILY) I'll clean you up good, giant beer can! (BARNEY YELLING) (SEYMOUR SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) - Where's Simpson? - I couldn't get a hold of him.
No cell phone.
But if I know Bart, he's busy doing something awesome! I don't know why I agreed to this.
Because you love the taste of my imaginary tea.
(SLURPS) Oh, you're right.
(GULPING) Hey, spaz.
While you were here spazzing yourself, you totally missed out.
Missed out? I didn't miss out.
What did I miss out on? (BART GASPING) (BART EX CLAIMS IN DISGUST) (MOANS) I wish I had a cell phone.
- Here's an imaginary cell phone.
- What? Do you think I'm crazy? (BART GRUNTS) Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone! Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you? Sweetie, we can't afford to get you a cell phone.
As it is, I'm buying frozen peas on installments.
(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) (GROANS) I'm never gonna get a cell phone.
And I'm never gonna go to Machu Picchu.
In this family, you get used to disappointments.
How am I ever gonna get a cell phone? (GROANS) (GRUNTS ANGRILY) - Is this your ball? - Why, yes, it is! (DR.
HIBBERT LAUGHING) - Here you go.
- Don't tell me where I go! - A dollar? What for? - It's the least I can do.
These balls cost five dollars new.
So I can get a dollar for every ball I find? Then if a cell phone costs $100, how many balls do I need? This is why my kids go to private school.
(LAUGHING) (WORKIN'MAN BLUES PLAYING) (SINGING) I keep my nose on the grindstone I work hard every day I might get a little tired on the weekend, after I draw my pay But I'll go back workin' Come Monday morning I'm right back with the crew (WHOOPS) I'll drink a little beer that evening Huh? I'll fix you, you varmint! Wow! I'm just 20 balls away from a cell phone! WILLIE: So it's you! You're the one that's been poaching on my territory! Groundskeeper Willie? Weekends and summers, I'm Greenskeeper Willie.
Your ball-scavenging days are over! And those orphan golf balls belong to me! (GRUNTS) Dimpled gold.
I'm rich! Now I won't have to pleasure a country club wife to get me steak dinner! (SIGHS) I'm never gonna get a cell phone.
(SIGHS) Great.
We gotta wait for Denis Leary.
Hey, Leary, if you want to have a "tee" party, go back to Boston! (BOTH LAUGHING) Boston.
Come on, Ice Age, take the shot! Ice Age was the name of the film.
I played Diego, the vicious saber tooth tiger who, guess what, has a heart.
Now shut up or I'll have you all kicked out of show business.
(ALL EX CLAIM) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Damn it! A cell phone! It's mine! Cool.
You can even watch commercials on it! (DIALING ON CELL PHONE) Hey, Milhouse.
Guess where I'm calling from? Well, I know you don't have a cell phone.
So you must be in your kitchen or one of your bedrooms.
Unless you have a wall jack in your basement! - That would be huge! - Look outside your window.
I'm not supposed to look out the window when I'm alone.
Just do it! Cell phone! Let's assign each other ring tones! That felt good.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? You want Denis Leary? Wrong number, dumbass.
Come on, Denis.
It's me, producer Brian Grazer.
I just paid five million dollars for the screen rights to the book - Everybody Poops.
- I'm a big fan.
Only one face came to mind for the constipated gorilla.
Yours.
Sure.
On one condition.
I want to do my own poops.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Of course I'll do it for minimum.
Great.
I'll see you next Monday in Tunisia.
This phone belongs to Denis Leary! Denis Leary? Boston comedian turned movie star turned basic cable notable? That's right! Let's call his business manager and tell him to spend all his money on Yankees hats and Derek Jeter jerseys.
I don't know, Bart.
What if Denis Leary gets mad? Nah.
He's cool.
He's gonna think this is hilarious.
No longer must we live in shame.
Let the decree go forth.
Everybody poops! And cut! Great.
Great, man.
You really nailed it.
I don't even remember agreeing to be in this movie.
Well, you did.
Bring in the poop.
Milhouse, I hold in this hand Denis Leary's cell phone.
And in this hand, the phone numbers of bars around the world.
Let's start with Hawaii.
(PHONE RINGING) - Aloha.
- Aloha to you.
I'm looking for Maya, last name Normousbutt.
Hang on.
I'll check, has anyone here seen Maya Normousbutt? (ALL LAUGHING) (PHONE RINGING) I got a Drew Peewiener here? Anyone expecting a Drew Peewiener? I hold in my hand a Drew Peewiener! Better put it down then, mate! (ALL LAUGHING) (PHONE RINGING) (GREETS IN SWEDISH) I shall inquire.
Is there a Mr.
Myfriendsaregay? First name Olaf.
Attention, everyone! Olaf Myfriendsaregay! (ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute.
If I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) The sun never sets on the Bartish Empire.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) - Yo.
Who's this? - Denis Leary, you little puke! I'm gonna rip out your heart with two fingers! They taught me how to do it for my show! Which one? The one that got canceled or the one that's gonna get canceled? You are so dead! (BOTH LAUGHING) That laughter sounds like the result of misbehavior.
Bart, how did you get a cell phone? Same way you got me.
By accident on a golf course.
Whose phone is this? - You'll never get it out of me! - Okay.
Milhouse? It's Denis Leary's! I'm sorry, Bart.
I'm desperate for any signs of adult approval.
You did the right thing.
(SIGHS) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Bart Simpson's stolen cell phone.
Can I help you? Damn straight, you can.
I'm Denis Leary.
And your kid is out of control.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Leary.
Sometimes it's hard to be a parent.
No it's not.
It's easy.
I'll tell you what's hard.
Having to watch my stunt double run into a burning building, worrying that people might realize it's not me, it's him.
Try doing that! I don't think I could.
(SIGHS) Mr.
Leary, I'm so sorry.
I'll send you your phone back right away.
Keep the phone.
In fact, can I give you some advice? Of course.
You're Denis Leary.
Give your kid back the phone.
But first, activate its built-in GPS system.
That way you can log onto your carrier's website and track your son's movements, the way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Shouldn't you just be happy for their success? I should be a lot of things, lady.
My tarts! (SIGHS) Okay, here goes.
Bart, I have something for you.
Huh? Wait a minute.
I thought you said I couldn't have this.
Well, sweetie, I know I said you couldn't have a cell phone.
But in these days of stranger dangers and sinister ministers, I think it's important that we're in touch.
(THRILLED GASP) Lady, you are the best mom ever! (MURMURS) - Did he take the bait? - Like a bigmouth bass.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Okay.
Bart went to the comic book store.
Time to head home.
(GASPS) Bullies! Hey! He went into a construction site! (GASPS) That's a hard-hat zone! (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) You sure this is safe? Sure.
I got my seatbelt on.
MARGE: Bartholomew J.
Simpson! MILHOUSE: Whoa! What are you doing at this construction site? Trying to do something constructive? (GRUNTS) I'll just take Milhouse home.
(WA TCH YOUR STEPPLAYING) (SINGING) You better watch your step Bye I send you all my regards You're so tough You're so hard Listen to the hammers falling in the breaker's yard You better watch your step You better watch your step Ooh, watch your step (SCREAMS) Hey, Bart just keeps spinning around and around and around.
What's his angle? (DOOR CREAKING) What are you two doing in the laundry room? We're doing the laundry.
- Dad, do laundry.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) No problem.
(MURMURS NERVOUSLY) (HUMS HAPPY TUNE) Tracking software? (LISA GASPS) You're spying on Bart.
Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong.
It shows you care! That's right, my beautiful, beautiful Midge.
(CHUCKLES) Soon you'll be mine.
Keep talking, creepo.
Every word buys you another year in the slammer.
Bart, there's something I need to tell you.
Mom and Dad (SHUSHING) I'm listening to financing terms for double-glazed windows.
Awesome.
Another call.
You got Bart.
It's me, you idiot.
Mom and Dad are spying on you.
There's a tracking chip in your cell phone.
(GASPS) They're spying on me? That's horrible.
I know! It's a complete violation of your rights! Not to mention Hold that thought.
I'm getting a text.
Viagra at five dollars a pill? (LAUGHS) Whatever it is, it's going in Skinner's coffee.
What is in this coffee? Mmm-hmm.
Track this, Mom and Dad.
(CHUCKLES) MARGE: Look at Bart go! - He must be running away! - He won't get far.
Not on that crappy breakfast I made for him.
MARGE: Oh, my God.
He's out of frame! Zoom out! Zoom out! (MARGE EX CLAIMS) He's circling the Shelbyville Bird Sanctuary.
(HOMER LAUGHING) Our little boy has lost his mind.
Let's get him.
(LAUGHS) Looks like I've got the house to myself for a while.
I can do anything I want! First, I'm gonna take a bath.
Then I'm gonna eat some vegetables.
And then I'm gonna get to bed nice and early with no TV! (CHUCKLING) So your family's been gone for three days? Yeah.
And I think they may be gone a while longer.
It looks like the grilled Twizzlers are ready.
Mmm.
Yeah.
This baby is done.
Awesome! But I better get going.
It's getting dark.
My mom's gonna wake up soon.
She gets upset if someone's not there to tell her where she is.
(LAUGHS) Typical mom.
You sure you don't want to stay and have a sleepover? I made sleepover shirts! Huh? Huh? Listen, Bart.
If I don't get home soon, there won't be time for my mom to give me a hug, my dad to read me a story, and both of them to sing me a song till I gently fall asleep.
Anyway, you have fun by yourself.
Hmm.
There's no moon tonight.
Real boogeyman weather.
(WIND WHOOSHING) (MURMURS WORRIEDLY) Bart's been moving nonstop all afternoon.
Maybe there's too much sugar in his Sugar Frosted Candy-O's.
Something about this just doesn't seem right.
Pull over! Bart's in this field! Bart? Where are you, boy? Don't worry.
I won't strangle you.
(BIRD TWITTERING) (LISA GASPS) I think we're following you! What's your species, little guy? You're a scarlet tanager.
You've been flying south because you're migrating to Machu Picchu, Peru? Well, I could tell Mom and Dad the chip is in a bird and hope they take me to Machu Picchu another time.
Or (SHOOING) Mom, Dad, Bart's on the move! (WIND WHOOSHING) (OWL HOOTING) Man, when you're alone, night is scary.
Day is awesome! Night is scary.
Day is awesome! Night is scary.
Are we ever going to find him? Absolutely.
That unpleasantness in Ecuador is behind us, my coca leaf addiction is under control, and Bart is finally trapped in that paradise above the clouds.
Bart! Where are you, Bart? Is that him? No.
It's just a bush.
Clearly the work of Wirakocha, the trickster god.
You guys look exhausted.
Maybe you ought to rest for a while.
No! All I care about is finding my boy! And then I'm never letting him out of my sight again! (SNORING) Greetings, sky-haired sun mother.
I don't need any new friends.
I'm just looking for my little boy.
I need to protect him from himself.
Like the mothers of ancient Machu Picchu protected their children? (MARGE SCREAMING) Our mothers were the most overprotective in the greater Machu Picchu metropolitan area.
They forced their children to live in this walled mountain city.
Those walls do look safe.
Walls that keep out danger keep out knowledge.
Our young people never learned to survive on their own.
So when they grew up they were no match for the conquistadors.
(ALL YELPING) (HOOTING) Oh, my God.
You've taught me a valuable lesson.
I didn't mean to.
I'm just chatty.
I sold my business a few years ago.
And I miss talking to people.
So I can't always be there for Bart.
He's got to learn to take care of himself.
The computer says Bart's standing on the computer.
All I see is a stupid bird with a tracking chip on its leg.
It doesn't add up.
I think it's time for us to go home.
- Hey.
- Thank God you're okay! Were you guys gone? We were gone for two weeks! I didn't even notice.
Oh.
Well, I just made a 3,700-mile car trip.
I need to wash up.
Oh! Never leave again! (EX CLAIMS HAPPILY) (MARGE GRUNTING) Where's Maggie? She's
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Double, Double, Boy in Trouble
The Simpsons s20e03 Episode Script
Double, Double, Boy in Trouble
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SNOWBALL II SQUEALING) (CHICKENS CLUCKING) Stupid shopping list, turning food into work.
- Bart! - Look at me! I'm doing something! (EX CLAIMS) You better settle down, boy, or I'll drag you into the blind spot of that security camera and beat you with one of those big thick women's magazines with all the ads in it.
Mr.
Homer, why don't you forget your worries with this, the last lottery ticket on the roll.
(SING-SONG) They say the last one is lucky unlike all the others.
Lucky, or not.
You make a good case.
I'll take it! Dad! Look at me! Look at me! Cannonball! (SCREAMS) I'll take that last lottery ticket, Apu.
(EX CLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Again! (BART GRUNTING) LENNY: I won! I won! $50,000! Ponder this, Homer.
This ticket would've been yours if your kid hadn't been screwing around! That is true.
Another ironic tale of the Kwik-E-Mart.
(APU LAUGHS EVILLY) You just cost me $200,000! - I thought it was 50.
- I was gonna bet it on the dogs! All the groceries seem to have been balled up in anger.
That kid has become a Dennis-level menace! Now, Homer, boys will be boys.
Bart cost us $50,000! (GRUNTS ANGRILY) (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) (GROANS) I'm going to Moe's.
ALL: (SINGING) Lenny! Lenny! He's our guy! Got the ticket Homer didn't buy! (SIGHS) Cheer up, Homer.
The drinks are on Lenny.
I don't want your pity booze.
I'll pay for it myself.
I gotta check with Lenny on that.
Is that all right, Lenny? Nope! Lucky Lenny's buying all the drinks tonight! Sorry, Homer.
But here's a compromise.
Why don't you both pay for the drink? And tip.
I just want to tell you all that even before I won this money, I was the luckiest guy in the world because I've got friends like you.
ALL: Aww.
That's why I'm spending my remaining scratcher winnings on a kick-ass party for all my friends! (ALL CHEERING) (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (DEEP SIGH) Where's Bart? We're gonna be late for Lenny's party.
BART: Don't waste your shot, Bart.
You've got just enough cat pee to soak two dorks.
(TODD LAUGHS) Bart Simpson! Did you just spray water on me? It was water this morning.
(GRUNTS) Dang that Bart! Thanks to him, I have to wear my backup dress, - which makes my arms look fat.
- You look great! Ha-ha! You feel self-conscious! (MARGE GRUNTS ANGRILY) Why can't our son just behave? Well, Marge, you did have that one sip of alcohol while you were pregnant.
I now christen this ship, the USS Float and Shoot.
(MARGE GASPS) Ay, caramba! Ay, caramba! That was unforgivable.
But I'm beginning to think that Bart's bad behavior is more than just a phase.
Mom! Bart's flicking boogers on me! They're not boogers! They're clumps of rubber cement that I stored in my nose.
Oh! Stop it, both of you! Don't make me drive into that tree! You know I will! (TIRES SQUEALING) No flicking boogers! And no driving into trees! BOTH: Yes, ma'am.
(PIANO PLAYING SLOW MUSIC) Wow, Lenny went all out.
ANNOUNCER: In the beginning, there was darkness.
So God created man.
But man was alone.
God created the animals and birds.
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING) But man was still Ionely.
(LEOPARD CA TERWAULING) So God said, let there be friends! (SINGING) Thank you for being a friend Travel down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant Thank you for being a friend Thank you for being a friend Thank you for being a friend Thank you for letting me take home the centerpiece! These are going right on my mom's grave! Thank you for being a friend Lenny, it was pretty cool of you to spend your lotto winnings on your pals.
It was worth it so everyone could have a wonderful evening and go home with a gift bag.
Hmm.
A vacuuming robot? (LAUGHS EVILLY) Now before you all leave, I know everyone hates vacuuming and loves robots! (ALL EX CLAIM) (ALL EX CLAIMING IN FEAR) (PANTING) (SCREAMS) These innocent robots couldn't have done this on their own.
Someone would've had to turn them all on at once and imbue them with some kind of malevolent sentience.
Yep, there it is.
Well, whoever did this must be long gone by now, Chief.
I don't know how we'll ever catch him.
Kill, kill, kill! Hold it right there, Bart.
Can you tell us anything about who did this? VAC-U-BOT: Bart make bot bad.
(ALL MURMURING ANGRILY) - I can explain.
- Kill the child! (DRESS RIPPING) (EX CLAIMS IN ANGER) Bart, I've had it with you! I'm taking away all your TV privileges.
- You already did that.
- Okay, then video games.
- That, too.
- No more non-dice board games! - What? You can't take my Balderdash! - I just did! (BART GRUNTS ANGRILY) I don't mean to be bad.
I don't know why I do the things I do.
(SIGHS) No one understands me.
I wish I had a different family.
SIMON: (IN CULTURED VOICE) I feel exactly the same way.
Oh, my God.
You look like a dorky version of me! And you look like a dimwitted version of me! And you two are 10-year-old versions of me.
The three of us could create quite a lot of mischief.
But I have to fly back to New York.
That's where my wife and I live.
That's her.
You want to see pictures of our kids? - My name is Simon Woosterfield.
- Woosterfield? Your family owns this place.
And Woosterfield Arena.
Bonnie Raitt played there.
You guys must be loaded! Yes.
You know, but the funny thing about being rich - is sometimes you wake up feeling - Terrific? Incredible? Happy as a clown? Yeah.
I'm living the dream.
(COUGHING) (INHALES DEEPLY) Wouldn't it be hilarious if we switched places and lived each other's lives for a while? I don't know.
I'm pretty attached to my family.
And HOMER: Get out here, boy! I want to punish you before I get drunk and merciful! Deal! My father's name is Homer.
My mother's name is Mom.
My sister's name is Lisa but everyone calls her Loser.
(LAUGHING) My butler's name is Chester.
I have a brother named Devon and a sister named Quenley.
And my horse is called Shadowfax.
You can't miss him.
He's the only Lipizzaner in our stable.
Lipizzaner, got it.
There you are, Master Simon.
- Thank you, Lipizzaner.
- As you say, sir.
Watch your head.
BART: Ow.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING) (HOMER GRUNTING ANGRILY) You ruin everything! - Driver, laugh at those people for me.
- My pleasure, sir.
(CHESTER LAUGHS FALSELY) McMansion, McMansion, McMansion, McDonald's? McDreamy.
McSteamy.
McMansion, Fleetwood Mac and Macaulay Culkin! And this is your home, sir.
But of course you already knew that.
BART: Awesome.
Awesome! Awesome! (EX CLAIMS DISINTERESTEDLY) This is my bedroom? A candy corn volcano? A ceiling from Saddam's palace? Ooh! And a racecar bed! That really races! - Wow.
Cool poster of Joe Montana.
- It's not a poster.
(BART SCREAMS) I'm the real deal.
And every day I stand here, the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame.
Did you know the words "Notre Dame" are French but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.
- Back in the poster, Gabby.
- Yes, sir.
Milhouse, it's me.
Check out the caller ID on your phone.
Blocked number? That service is 3.
65 a month! Did you switch places with a millionaire kid who looks just like you? Just sit tight.
I'm sending a car.
Why are these noodles orange? I made it with Cheetos, just like you like it.
If the sauce is too thick, I can add more root beer.
- Maybe I'm just not hungry.
- Human garbage can to the rescue! So at work today, we got a memo saying everyone's getting new chairs.
- Father, could you - Talk louder? You bet! Naturally I threw my old chair in the Dumpster right away! But then Lenny said, "No.
That was the new chair.
"That memo was two months old.
" So now I'm sitting on an orange crate.
- (LAUGHS) I never felt so - Will you stop spitting food on me? Huh? Keep your meal in your mouth, you semi-literate spew monkey! That's it, boy! You're going to bed without supper! That was an odd thing for Bart to say.
Maybe he's going through certain changes.
If that boy thinks I'm paying to put him through four years of puberty, forget it! Stupid kids, think I'm made of hormones.
(MUFFLED) Mister La-Di-Da, uppity This is the greatest great hall I've ever eaten in, Bart.
CHESTER: Huh? I mean, Simon.
Oh.
This must be my half-brother and half-sister! They're beautiful.
I mean, just the girl.
I didn't notice the beautiful boy.
So I said, "Dad, I wanted a Range Rover, not a Land Rover.
" This is the worst Martin Luther King Day ever! Well, well, if it isn't our halfwit half-brother.
Ow.
The old hot spoon! But why? Because you're our half-brother, you're blocking our full inheritance, - and we hate you.
- Now I get it.
QUENLEY: Hmm! Bart, I have a crush on your new sister.
You had a crush on my old sister! Yeah.
But that was never gonna happen.
- Give me back my newspaper! - MARGE: Homer, it's not a real paper! It's a rubber chew toy! For your information, the Daily Growl is the only newspaper that's not afraid to say how great this country is! (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) How's the war going? We're winning? That's great! And our standing abroad? (TOY SQUEAKING) Fantastic.
This place is insane.
Tonight I got sent to bed without dinner! Yeah.
Well, what's up with your brother and sister? They're jealous because my father left their mother to be with my mother, to You lost me.
Well, gotta go.
Enjoy the upper lower middle class.
(SIGHS) Bart, honey? I saw you didn't like your dinner.
So I thought you might like pepperoni pizza with the crusts cut off.
Now let me tuck you in, fluff your pillow, and sprinkle a little fairy dust to keep the monsters away.
(WHISPERS) It's cinnamon.
Nighty-night, sweetheart.
I could get used to this.
Fancy party.
This is like a rap video before the rappers show up.
Simon, have you ever seen the family mausoleum? All the Woosterfields will be buried here.
Do you know that after 100 years, dead bodies turn to red licorice? Whoa! Let me at it! BART: Help! Let me out! I have my doubts about this licorice! (MR.
BURNS GROANS) - Mr.
Burns, I'm really sorry.
- Nonsense, Young Woosterfield.
Your fortune is greater than mine.
It is I who am at your service.
Smithers, fetch us some lemonade! (MR.
BURNS GRUNTS WEAKLY) (SMITHERS PANTING) - All they had was Sunnytime Pink.
- Premix? I beg your forgiveness, lad.
Smithers, pour it down your pants! Now squish about in those pants, rewetting every hour! (SQUISHING) Come with me.
You know, Master Simon, I too was once the youngest in a wealthy family.
You were once the youngest of something? But fortune ended up smiling on me while snuffing the life from my siblings.
My older brother was trampled by a horse.
My sister died of a poisoned potato.
My twin was shot.
That girl was stabbed.
He ate another poisoned potato.
Spontaneous combustion.
Fell down a well, potato, potato, and impaled on the Chrysler Building.
Wow.
Only you survived.
(GASPS) Which means the entire fortune went to you! Yes.
Funny, that.
A word of caution, Young Woosterfield.
- Watch out for those closest to you.
- Devon and Quenley? You don't know when they'll strike.
A boating accident, a mishap during a ski trip.
But rest assured, one way or another, they will do you in.
Oh, my God.
Simon set me up.
And all this time I thought he wanted the life of a stranger he met in the bathroom.
Now, would you care to continue this conversation on the teeter-totter? (BART GRUNTING) Why won't you come down? I told you.
I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.
Hmm.
So I looked down the barrel of my Winchester rifle, I pulled the trigger, and I shot that buffalo! - You shot a buffalo? - (STUTTERING) You were listening? Oh.
That means I gotta come up with an ending for this nonsense! - Bart, what are you doing? - Politely listening to our grandfather.
Huh.
It was the war to end all wars.
But Pepsi would not give up.
They continued to challenge Coke! (SIMON EX CLAIMS IN SHOCK) Okay, listen, you.
I don't know who you are or what you've done with the real Bart, but Well, God help me, I want him back.
I don't know what you're talking about.
(CHUCKLES) The real Bart would've thrown me out the window! - He would have defenestrated you? - You're just digging yourself even deeper.
(GRUNTING) Come on, Bart.
You gotta get out of here.
Pack like you've never packed before.
You know, I have never packed before.
(GRUNTING) This is hard.
So you're packing.
You must've already heard.
- Heard what? - We're going to Aspen.
On a little ski trip.
- Ski trip? - You won't know how they'll strike.
A boating accident, a ski trip.
(SCREAMS) (SINGING) Scrubbing you is easy 'cause you've been pre-rinsed And when you're covered with goo that's when I'm scrubbing you Scrub-ub-ub-ub-ub Scrub-ub-ub-ub-ub Mom, "Bart" has something to tell you.
I don't like the look of those air quotes.
So now Bart is on his way to Aspen where they're going to try to kill him.
Thank you, Future Bart, for traveling back through time to warn us.
Boy, Aspen sure is ritzy.
Even the winos look better.
We are champagnos.
Who wants a mimosa? Uh This trail is for experienced skiers.
Which is what you'll be if you make it to the bottom.
Which you won't.
(BART SCREAMS) - Soon he'll be dead.
- And we'll split the inheritance.
Yes, split.
Potato? (GASPS) There's Bart! This looks like a job for Captain Crazy! Up, up, and away! Come on, gravity.
You used to be cool.
D'oh! (HOMER SCREAMS) Occupied.
(EX CLAIMING) (BOTH EX CLAIMING) (SIGHS TIREDLY) Two hot chocolates, please.
- Are you guests at the lodge? - No.
(BOTH SCREAMING) You know, I feel sorry for you, kid, going back to that cold, loveless family.
I'll survive.
Your favorite, sir.
Hot fudge sundae with gold leaf and diamond flakes.
Take me with you! I'll be anything and everything you want! Don't leave me here with them! I never thought I'd say this, but I missed you guys.
Even what's-her-name Lisa.
(LISA GRUNTS ANGRILY) Now we tuck in the tummy, the tushy, and the tootsies.
(MARGE GIBBERING) (BART LAUGHING) This is the life.
English - US - SDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Treehouse of Horror XIX
The Simpsons s20e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XIX
(HUMMING) Hello.
I'd like to vote for president, governor, and anything that will take money away from our parks and libraries.
Use machine number three.
(HUMS) (GROANING) I can't fit in the booth.
Use the double-wide.
Ooh! One of those electronic voting dealies! ELECTRONIC VOICE: One vote for McCain.
Thank you.
(LAUGHING) No.
I want to vote for Obama.
Two votes for McCain.
(EX CLAIMING) Come on, it's time for a change! Three votes for McCain.
No, no, no! Six votes for President McCain.
Hey, I only meant one of those votes for McCain! (GASPS) This machine is rigged! (GRUNTS) Must tell President McCain.
This doesn't happen in America.
Maybe Ohio, but not in America! (HOMER SCREAMING) Okay.
All I need is a Christmas gift for Lisa.
I don't have time to read all that.
(HUMMING) Hmm.
Montreal Expos jersey, Somber String, jacks, no ball, and a Slunky.
Oh, I wouldn't give these to my worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.
Girls don't like trucks.
Come back when you're something else.
(HONKING) (GASPS) Perfect! Merry Christmas, Dad.
We bought you three more minutes of oxygen.
Thank you, son.
Can I play with it outside? Can I? Can I? (CHUCKLING) Sure.
(LAUGHING) (LAUGHING LOUDLY) Hmm.
Hey, Lise, I think I see one with your name on it.
I don't know how you could top last year's gift.
A box of your burps.
Yeah.
Here's your stocking stuffer.
(BURPS) Wow! A Malibu Stacy Convertible! Oh, Bart! An actual present.
That's right, Maggie.
It's a car.
MALIBU STACY: Let's go to the (CHOKING) Posibots, transform! ALARM CLOCK: Snooze! LAMP: Three-way! BOOM BOX: Melody! (GRUNTING) What? Wait a minute.
We're missing Sex Toy.
(SUGGESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) - Where have you been? - Where haven't I been? (CHUCKLING) Hmm.
Is there something different about the kitchen? - No.
- No.
No.
Well, the toaster's never lied to me before.
PINKROBOT: Hup, two SEX TOY: Nice planet.
(HUMMING) (HOMER SCREAMING) - Posibot engaged.
- Battle commencing in ten, nine, eight Hey! Hey, Homer.
How was your Christmas? It was okay.
I got Seinfeld, Season Seven.
Finally, a Boxing Day that lives up to its name! - Lisa, what's happening? - Well, if I had to guess, I'd say that two alien robot races who've been battling for centuries have chosen our planet as the site for their ultimate confrontation.
It is a good planet to settle things on.
Oh! Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Look! You have made the nacho machine cry.
Cool! Carnage Destructicus, the moment has arrived, our final battle! Your final battle, Bestimus Mucho! Stop it! Just because you're mad at each other doesn't mean you have to destroy our town.
- That does not compute.
- Really? It computes a little.
What's this whole intergalactic tiff about, anyway? - You know, I don't remember.
- Neither do I.
Maybe the non-transformer thing is right.
Thank you, human grandmother, for pointing out that it is futile to fight if we do not know why.
And now that we are not fighting each other, we can team up to enslave your planet.
That's great, because working together, you can Oh! (ALL SCREAMING) Okay, who's the idiot who taught them what foosball was? I thought they might enjoy it.
Okay, Maggie.
We'll be back in three hours.
Or longer, if something happens to us.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
She doesn't know anyone here.
Look, sweetie.
There's a familiar face.
Krusty! (GIGGLING) Hey, hey, kids! Your old pal Krusty's gonna teach you five new words: Unlicensed use of my image.
All right, boys.
See those Krustys nobody paid me for? Sandblast them! Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me? Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
Hey, my intellectual property rights were being infringed.
Do you know how that feels? Do you? Huh? Do you? (SCREAMING) One, two, three.
One, two, three.
It's no use.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Mr.
Simpson, you have quite a talent for killing celebrities.
(LAUGHING) Well, I'm no drunk driving.
I'd like to introduce you to some stereotypical ad men.
Simpson, we got a swell little notion for you.
Did you know you can put a dead celebrity in a commercial and you don't have to pay them a thing? Oh, my God! You finally did it! You mixed Buzz Cola with the smooth, rich taste of lemon! Unfortunately, there are certain stars who won't do what we want.
What's their problem? They're still alive.
And then we thought, "Who's good at killing celebrities?" Me! That's right! Homer, would you be willing to acquire some more accounts for us? Well, you know, it is awfully hot today.
(CHUCKLING) Now I'm too cold.
Mmm.
(PS YCHO KILLER PLAYING) Psycho killer Qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away Oh, psycho killer Qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away Psycho killer Qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away We can't just sit here while they exploit our images.
MAN: Hey, John Wayne, have you heard about Stockswapper.
Org's low, low transaction fees? Sounds like quite a deal pilgrim.
I hate trans action fees.
(LAUGHING) Hey, George Washington! See if you think this is funny! (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING ON ORGAN) MAN: It's the Springfield Wedding Chapel's annual President's Day marriage-a-thon! That ad implies that Mr.
Lincoln and I are betraying familiarities! It's an outrage! (CHUCKLES) Yes, an outrage.
(ALL GRUMBLING) (HORSE NEIGHING) So are we gonna sit here flapping our jaws or are we gonna do something about it? Now wait just a gosh-darn minute here.
We can't go taking the law into our own hands.
These are people with hopes and dreams Put a sock in it, mush mouth! All we are saying is let's eat some brains! (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Great party, Homer.
Murdering Kate Winslet paid for that chocolate fountain.
(HORSE NEIGHING) (STUTTERING) Golda Meir! (HA VA NAGILA PLAYING) Mmm.
- You ripped me off, see? - No, I didn't, see? You're gonna pay for what you done, see? (GRUNTS) I always thought I'd die of hepatitis, see? Rip Taylor? You're not even dead! Someone needs to check my apartment! (LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (GASPS) Let's get him! Little sister, is that moustache coming or going? Well, your wife likes it.
(LAUGHING) You're all right, goofy grape.
People, please! We're here to kill this jerk! Before you kill me, I gotta know, what is the one true religion? It's a mix of voodoo and Methodist.
(HOMER LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Shouldn't have left the key under the mat, suckers! So what do you do for fun around here? Well, tonight we've got a poker tournament at the rec center.
Ooh! After you, Mr.
Pennyface.
- Is your wife up here? - (LAUGHS) Well, we have an understanding.
Mmm.
(LINUS AND LUCYPLAYING) (YAWNING) Good grief.
- I like your witch costume, Lisa.
- I'm not a witch.
I'm a Wiccan.
Why is it when a woman is confident and powerful, they call her a witch? (TROMBONE PLAYING) - What did you say, Mom? - Nothing.
I'm practicing my trombone.
So what are you wearing to the Halloween party, Milhouse? I'm not going to the party.
I'm going to the pumpkin patch to wait for the Grand Pumpkin.
That means, "You kids have fun.
" What's the Grand Pumpkin? Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin visits all the pumpkin patches in the world and brings candy to kids who truly believe.
Milhouse, for the last time, I made that up to mess with you! - The Grand Pumpkin isn't real! - I appreciate you testing my faith, Bart.
But it's not necessary.
I believe in the Grand Pumpkin, almighty gourd, who was crustified over Pontius Pie-Plate and ascended into oven.
He will come again to judge the filling and the bread Sigh.
(GASPS) You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Who wants to sing pumpkin carols? I've got a pumpkin carol for you.
(CLEARING THROAT) (SINGING) You are such a stupid moron It makes people want to punch you The Grand Pumpkin's super gay Punch, punch, punch, punch, wedgie! (ALL LAUGHING) Your God is wrong.
Let's get to the Halloween party.
I want to hit the apple tank before all of the Granny Smiths are bobbed out.
- Lise, you coming? - I think I'll stay with Milhouse.
His glasses fog up when he cries.
More Granny Smiths for me.
- Lisa! Lisa! Wake up! He's here! - What? The Grand Pumpkin is here? No.
I'm rehearsing what I'm gonna say when he shows up.
He's here.
He's here! He is here! (LIVEL YMUSIC PLA YING) You owe me restitution! If he sees us fighting, he might not come! Grand Pumpkin, I know you're real.
Why won't you show yourself? (SOBBING) Why? Happy Halloween! The Grand Pumpkin! You are real! That's right, Milhouse.
Your childlike belief has brought me to life.
I knew you'd come! I even baked you a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread! How delightful.
Bread made especially for pumpkins.
Actually, it's made from pumpkins.
(EX CLAIMS) (RETCHING) Uh-oh.
(SHOUTING) Revenge! (SCREAMING) (CHUCKLING) I'm gonna give you crossed eyes, like you might see on an idiot, a stupid triangle nose, and a big mouth full of the ugliest-shaped teeth there are.
Square! And I'm gonna make your friends watch.
No! (MOANING) Ladies.
Stupid.
(LIVEL YMUSIC PLA YING) (MUSIC STOPS) Everybody, listen! The Grand Pumpkin is real! Hey! No hard-soled shoes! (GROWLS) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, God! Everywhere I look! Pumpkin atrocities! Care for a pumpkin seed? (GASPS) You roast the unborn? (GROWLING) Touch me and I'll cut your friend.
What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin.
- You're a racist! - All pumpkins are racist.
The difference is I admit it! NELSON: I'd rather die than hate! This is all my fault! The Grand Pumpkin said my childlike belief was what made him come to life! Belief, eh? Hmm.
Say, Milhouse, have you by any chance ever heard of Tom Turkey? No.
Who is he and what's his origin story? Well, Tom is a magical turkey who gave the Pilgrims the technology to put buckles on their hats.
Now he appears every Thanksgiving to children who believe.
Sounds plausible.
Tom Turkey, help me.
I believe in you.
Are you looking for a particular part of my brain, or Halt, yon pumpkin, most succulent and plump! I be Tom Turkey! A giant talking turkey? Preposterous! Prepare for the Almighty's judgment, thou stinking fruit of rotted vine! Pumpkin segregation forever! (GROANING) I can't live on the outside! I can't! (MOANING) Milhouse, your childlike innocence saved us all! Tom, how can we repay you? How about a Thanksgiving feast? You can carve the turkey! (GASPS) You eat turkeys? Yeah, it's delicious! Especially when we take stuffing and shove it up the turkey's ass.
Revenge! (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Looks like those kids found the true spirit of Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or whatever.
And for those of you who feel like we've trampled on a beloved children's classic, I encourage you to write to the following address.
Happy holidays, everyone! English - US - SDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Dangerous Curves
The Simpsons s20e05 Episode Script
Dangerous Curves
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (CLOCK CHIMING) (CAR HORNS HONKING) BILL: Bill and Marty here in the middle of another 4th of July Weekend Shock Jock Talk Block.
All weekend long, we'll be counting down the top 500 wacky sound effects of all time.
MARTY: And here's number 499.
Where were you when you first heard this? (TWANG) I'll tell you where I was.
I was out eating (CHINESE MUSIC PLA YING) I think I had Kung Pao And I ended up on the (TOILETFLUSHING) I can't listen to this anymore.
Nobody shuts out my blather! Uh-oh.
Homie, let's pick up those hitchhikers.
They don't look like the stabby kind.
Mom, you said all hitchhikers were drug-crazed thrill seekers.
I said they were thrill-crazed drug seekers.
Don't put words in my mouth.
Thanks for stopping.
This is my girlfriend Beatrice.
(GIGGLES) Young love.
(CHUCKLES) - Were we ever that stupid? - Of course we were.
Marge, I thought of a new thing.
It's called biking out.
It's a combination of biking and making out.
I don't know.
Come on.
All the teens on bikes are doing it.
(SCREAMING) Howdy-do, strangers? Hop on in before you become a couple runneth over.
Ned, are you sure? They're covered with mud.
And in that mud, I'm planting the seed of friendship.
Name's Ned Flanders.
As the elephant said to the peanut vendor, toss those in my trunk.
Marge, I love this guy.
- Put her there, muddy buddy.
- He rhymes! Oh, happy day.
So are you two engaged, engaged to be engaged? No.
We thought we'd wait a little while.
Really? Not married? And you were bicycling two abreast? I wish.
We were bicycling to a lake.
(LAUGHS) Word play.
Never cared for it.
But it's never too soon for you two to join the "I do" crew.
Now I'm not saying it's all Jell-O with Cool Whip.
She'll nag you.
She'll try to change you.
You'll be fighting the same basic fight for years and years and years Ned, don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit? I think I'd like to finish my sentence.
And years.
Um How long have you two been married? Since 2:00 this afternoon.
Welcome to our honeymoon.
(BOTH EX CLAIM) Marge Bouvier, will you not marry me? Homer Simpson, I would be delighted not to marry you.
Then I now pronounce us just dating.
(GROANING) I love kissing you.
I never want to knock it off.
Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings? Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that Gameboy! Yes, sir.
Avast, you I'm cuckoo for killing stuff! Video games, the reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.
I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.
- Hey! Everybody pees in the pool.
- Not from the diving board.
(MUMBLING) Why do we have to have these two jerks along? I can't - You're driving too fast.
- You're losing your hair.
- You sneeze like a girl.
- Your neck looks like a sideways ass.
HOMER: That's it! Eat gravel, hags! Homer, that was rude and shortsighted.
Patty and Selma have the map.
I have the situation under control.
The compass needle is pointing east.
That's the fuel gauge.
HOMER: Uh-oh.
How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? You haven't said you're sorry.
I know.
I was hoping the number might be zero.
(MARGE GRUNTING) (DOORBELL CHIMES) - Can we use your phone? - Of course.
It's just past the sushi bar, behind the limbo pit, right in front of the blackjack table.
And feel free to stay.
We just put out the cheese.
We have cubes of yellow, cubes of orange and cubes of orange and yellow.
A really fun party full of colored cheeses and awesome stuff to do? Doesn't seem like your kind of thing, Marge.
We'll stay for one hand roll or two nigiri.
Then we have to get back to the kids.
Let my dad enjoy them a little longer.
(ABE LAUGHING) Stop! Stop! - Where are the cookies? - I don't remember! Wrong answer! (MOANING) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Oh.
- For me? - No.
Get two of your own.
(LAUGHING) You're a funny one.
That's strong.
Are you trying to get me drunk? No.
I'm trying to get me drunk.
You know, my horoscope said I'd meet the man of my dreams tonight.
Well, a horoscope would never lie to a pretty girl like you.
You are adorable.
Are you alone? - No.
I'm talking to you at this great party.
- Well, then would you like to limbo? Limbo? You mean the dance or that place where unbaptized babies go? Either way, I'm in.
(LIMBO MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Every limbo boy and girl AII around the something world Gonna do the limbo rock Something something limbo something Limbo low now.
How low can you go? That's how low you can go! Why are you dancing with that strange woman? She's not strange.
She's fun! And she doesn't get jealous when I talk to other women.
Well, then she can have you all to herself! How about a sushi fight? Sushi fight! These fish died for nothing! (ALL LAUGHING) Homer Simpson, I wish I'd never met you.
Thanks for the lift.
What a cute couple.
She's gonna take him for a lot of money.
Here we are.
A log cabin? What am I? Davy Crockett? Also, who's Davy Crockett? Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me.
(LISA LAUGHING) (SINGSONG) They have a pedal car.
- (SINGSONG) Pedal cars suck.
- (SINGSONG) They're worse than walking.
(SINGSONG) I'll put 100 bucks in your college fund.
(SINGSONG) I'll take 10 bucks now.
(SINGSONG) I'll steal it back when you're sleeping.
Well, when the sun goes down, it means God's gone to China to watch over those good folks.
Time for some shuteye.
Why, Flanders, you rogue.
All Marge and I need are a queen-size bed and a king-size "Do Not Disturb" sign.
(PURRING) Sorry, Homer.
I'm afraid it's separate accommodations for you notly-weds.
- What? But I have urges.
- That's just your trouser devil talking.
He's not talking.
He's yelling.
(SIGHS) Goodnight, Marge.
(HUMMING) Sweet dreams, my new best friend.
What better way to celebrate our wedding night than by keeping an unmarried couple apart.
Oh, Maude, your dead grandmother's pajamas.
You know what that does to me.
(GASPS) I never thought I'd say this, but stupid Flanders.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
I'm in my own room being chaperoned by an actual Christian.
Well, I just don't trust that Homer Simpson.
He's that rare combination of up to something and good for nothing.
(CHUCKLES) Good one.
We should put that in the file.
Nice.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (MARGE SOBBING) Madame, perhaps I can be of some assistance.
But I can't take a dress from a man who looks so good and smells so clean.
Please.
When you came to the door tonight, I instantly imagined you in a ruched burgundy bias-cut evening gown with a wolverine hem and a contrasting cerise tulle dÃ©colletage.
Really? Me? You did? Oh, yes.
With a pair of saffron brocade diamond mink pumps.
Oh! Pumps are shoes.
That explains a lot.
Mmm-hmm.
Marjorie, you look beautiful.
Let me take you for a ride.
Or should I say glide? I'm just happy you're talking again.
You didn't say a word for 45 minutes.
- Marge? - You don't need her, baby.
- Sylvia's got everything you want.
- Do you have a pineapple pizza? - Pineapple and pepperoni.
- This is all going so fast.
We should be getting back to the party.
Marjorie, that party was beneath a woman of your elegance and sophistication.
You Oh, look, a budget motel.
I see the word "Vacancy" is lit and the word "No" is not.
Let us pray the "No" is not broken, huh? Alberto, I'm not sure if this is such a good idea.
First we make love, then we decide if it was a good idea.
That's the European way.
I came here once with Marge.
Are you Marge, Sylvia? Homer, I can be whoever you want me to be.
I want you to be Marge.
Marge? - HOMER: Marge, is that you? - (GASPS) My husband! Why do married women always have husbands? (GRUNTS) - Marge, what are you doing here? - The same thing you're doing here.
You better not be! I mean, great! We both came to rekindle our precious memories of when we were young and in love.
Right? We sure did.
Rekindle, rekindle Okay, let's go.
I have a better idea.
Let's spend the night together right here.
Fine.
But I don't want to sleep in the same room with that chest.
I feel the same way about that lamp.
Okay.
But first the chest.
Okay! There you are! Homie, what's taking so long? Listen, you're a classy lady and a great sushi fighter, but you're going in the box! - Homie? - Coming, Marge.
Good evening.
I am Alberto.
Sylvia.
Let's get out of this chest and go have a drink.
Actually, I am quite comfortable here.
There is a flask of cognac in my pocket.
Do you think you can reach it? SYLVIA: Okay.
Is this it? ALBERTO: No.
But don't stop twisting.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Now let's spend the rest of the night making sweet, sweet Kids? I'm through babysitting these monsters! Good night.
- We won! He's asleep! - And we'll stay up forever! Well, that takes care of those three.
Want to go for a lakeside snuggle? Homer Simpson, you devil.
Well, that takes care of those three.
Want to go play some Lakeside Boggle? Homer Simpson, you devil.
But I think we should unpack first.
All right.
The trick is to ease them off.
(GRUNTING) What is this dump? Ruthie, this dump is where your mother and I met.
It was a tale of betrayal, redemption and a lovely continental breakfast.
Homer, those are our wedding bungees! - Marjorie? - Homer? It's so good to see you.
We owe you two a debt of thanks.
Homer, if I hadn't come to this motel with you, I never would have met Alberto.
(GASPS) And Marjorie, if you had completed your seduction of me, I never would have met Sylvia.
(GASPS) I can't believe one of the most beautiful moments in our marriage is based on lies.
You're just as bad as me, and you used to be better, so that makes you worse! I don't think we can ever trust each other again.
- Ruthie, kick me away from this nightmare.
- Okay.
I wish I'd never met you.
Or you.
Why can't you just admit we're lost? I'll tell you what's lost, your sense of adventure.
Just ask those guys for directions.
Anti-nuclear activist, Dr.
Helen Caldicott? Director Julie Taymor? - Do you love these women? - They're okay, I guess.
Let's just skip to the Windsor knot instructions.
Excuse me, boys.
My brother is lost and kind of a jerk.
If he'd brought a map of the grounds as I suggested, then we Lisa, do you know why I spend every day after school in detention? So I don't have to come home to you! Oh, Bart.
Don't say things you can't take back.
It's out there.
Deal with it.
Oh, great.
Now you woke the baby.
I told you we should've left her with your mother! My God, Bart.
What happened to us? We grew up.
- So I'm sure you missed Marge last night.
- Yeah.
I missed her like five times.
What a charming single entendre.
Now look, I know marriage is scary, but if you really think she's the one, it gives you two a shot at forever! Forever? That would be awesome.
Okay, here she comes.
Why don't you take Marge for a walk, open your heart and see what pours out? I suppose you and Maude will be coming along, as well? Don't you think I got better things to do on my honeymoon than spy on you two? Red Dog, this is Moustache One.
We have possible male-female interaction.
Be prepared to terminate inappropriate contact.
- Ready with the ice water.
- NED: Lock onto his wiener.
We have wiener lock.
Marge, when I'm with you, I get that feeling like when I got that smart kid's report card by mistake.
And for a minute, I thought I had all A's and that my name was Howard Simberg.
- You make me feel that way, too.
- I know we'll get married some day.
And to prove it, I'll carve our names on this tree so all who are hopelessly lost in the woods can see it.
I hate other people's love.
(EX CLAIMS) So that wasn't Marge's glider parked outside the motel five years ago.
I'm getting out of this marriage while I'm still young and handsome! Mmm? (SNIFFLES) Forever.
(CRYING) I couldn't even keep a promise I made to a tree.
Maybe it's not too late.
Maybe I can still save our love! If I just show her that carving - What are you doing? - Saving our marriage! Don't be silly.
Our marriage can weather any storm, just like this tree.
Help! Fat man hanging from a tree! Uh-uh.
That's for fires.
Take my hand! I don't want to let go of our special carving! Homer, our marriage isn't on a piece of bark! It's in us! Now take my hand.
(HOMER SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Marge, I don't want to die with us mad at each other.
Me, neither, Homie.
I know parts of our marriage are based on lies, but so are a lot of good things, religion, American history I know.
We had a fight.
We were both tempted.
We're human.
The important thing is we love each other.
Now we wait for the river to freeze if my theory of global cooling is correct.
Hey, you guys want a lift in my pedal boat? It's not a pedal boat.
It's a pedal car that Bart drove into the river because he knows a shortcut that's not on the map.
How would you like a shortcut to the bottom of the river? If it's your shortcut, I'll be high and dry.
- Knock it off back there.
- But we're married.
- Okay.
But keep it PG.
- How about R? - PG-13.
- (WHOOPS) Adult situations! English - US - SDHSpringfield! Springfield!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words
The Simpsons s20e06 Episode Script
Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words
(SINGING) The Simpsons D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Lemonade! Sweet sunshine in your mouth! - Buy a cup or I punch my sister! - It's true! He's not bluffing! Ow.
Maybe we should put a dollar in the jar, prime the pump.
What are we? A piano bar? (PEOPLE CLAMORING) - I'll take 15 lemonades.
- Make that 16.
Huh? Lousy dog.
If you had your way, I'd walk you every day.
(GASPS) Lemonade! (HOMER PANTING) GIRL: Stop pushing.
Six cups, please.
And put it on my tab.
Keep moving, deadbeat.
Cash only.
Fine.
Lemonade's for babies, anyways.
I'm going to Moe's for beer! Have fun drinking your lemonade, babies! (CAR ENGINE SPUTTERING) - Lisa? Can Daddy borrow your bike? - I guess.
(GRUNTING) (MOANING LOUDLY) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) - Hey, Moe.
Give me a - Homer, shush.
We're watching Krabappel try to break up with Skinner.
Seymour, I have something difficult I want to say to you.
I understand.
It can be very difficult for a woman to propose marriage.
- But I am willing to go halfsies on a ring.
- Seymour Excuse me.
Any of you lugs want to break up with my boyfriend for me? I'll buy you a beer.
Seymour, Edna asked me to talk to you.
Splendid.
Shall we discuss music or the weather? No.
This is about you.
Edna wants to break up.
- She wants to break up? - Yeah.
- With me? - Yeah.
Look at it this way.
You're a free man, unlike me.
You have all your hair, unlike me.
No kids tying you down or a crippling mortgage that you refinanced at 26% because a dancing Internet cowboy told you to? (CRYING) Oh, God, I hate my life.
(SOBBING) Gee, compared to you, my life is one big half day.
Exactly.
You're good-Iooking.
You have a decent job.
What Ionely widow wouldn't consider you an option? Thanks, Homer.
I don't think the school pep squad could've cheered me up more, and they were state runners-up in 1997.
(WHISTLING) Homer, that was amazing.
He actually felt better coming out of the breakup than he did going in.
Say, Homer, you're real good at this.
Think you could dump my girlfriend Doreen for me? Doreen, she's cheated on you with everyone.
Well, except for me.
And I've showered her with gifts, fancy soaps and massage oils and what have you.
Here she comes.
Work your magic, Homer.
- Is Lenny here? - I'm afraid Lenny's dead.
What? I just talked to him.
And you will again because he isn't really dead.
Now this next piece of news won't seem so bad.
- Lemonade! We want lemonade! - Lemonade! We want lemonade! Don't worry, folks.
Our master chef is stirring up a fresh batch.
Stop that transaction! I'm a part-time field agent with the Springfield Department of Commerce! - Great gig.
- It is a great gig.
May I see your vendor's license? I think it's We don't have one.
Can't be mine.
Must be yours! I don't care if it's 45 cents, I don't want it.
Submit this form to the license bureau.
Until then, this stand is closed! Boys! - Geez, I'm thirsty.
You got any lemonade? - Not anymore! (LISA MUMBLING ANGRILY) (PEOPLE GRUMBLING) Come on, come on! I was halfway through an operation when my license expired.
I'll get to you just as soon as I finish this crossword puzzle.
- Come on.
- Let's go, buddy! I left bananas in my car! Let's see, 10 across, Franklin Roosevelt's middle name.
Excitement! Wait, that don't fit.
(ALL GRUMBLING IN FRUSTRATION) Maybe you could use some help.
FDR's middle name, Delano.
Oxidized surface, well, that's rusty.
- Bartenders serve them "dirty.
" - Ham sandwiches! - No, martinis.
- Oh, right.
One more word.
Singer of Yentl.
13 letters! I got it! Isaac Bashevis.
Now give me my license! Give everyone their license! (CHEERING) What is a four letter word for hero? - Hero! - Yes.
But I meant Lisa.
- Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! - Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Y'ello? - Homer? It's your old roommate, Grady.
The gay guy? That's not all I am! Well, it's a lot of what I am.
Anyhoo, I heard how good you are at breaking up couples.
I need your help to break up with Julio.
Because I met someone new, someone much more cool and refreshing.
Uh-huh.
Got it.
Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club and I won't be home till 3:00 in the morning! MARGE: Have fun! (CHUCKLES) Ay, caramba! Bart, I've fallen in love with crosswords.
It finally happened.
You've gone completely fruit loops.
Froot Loops! That's the answer to 38 down, Toucan's delight.
- No.
I mean you're loco in the coco! - Cocoa! Ice rink drink.
- You're losing it! - Losin'It! RisquÃ© '80s teen flick.
- Fine! Go nuts! See if I care! - Eye care.
Optician's concern.
Thanks for your help, Bart! BART.
San Francisco people mover! Speaking of San Francisco people mover (DANCE MUSIC PLA YING) Grady is breaking up with me? You'll always have a special place in his heart.
In his what? Oh! Oh, baby, you are the breakup king.
You have made the seven minutes that I'm gonna go without love so much more bearable.
Anyone else want me to get rid of that special someone? Okay, everyone.
Rotate one to your right.
- Guess what, Mom? I'm a cruciverbalist! - Another religion? You know, you're just gonna drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Probably.
But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles, which I am.
Me, too! I've been doing them since 1958.
Back then, we called them alphabet hotels 'cause every letter gets its own little room.
I still do the Springfield Shopper puzzle every day.
Let's see there Grampa, everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the New York Times puzzle, edited by Will Shortz.
"Will" and "Shorts," two things I'm no longer allowed to change by myself.
Okay, back to the real world.
- Isn't it beautiful? - Sure is.
- Who's driving the bus? - What bus? (KIDS SCREAMING) HOMER: Sweet Conclusions Breakup Service.
Oh, yes.
We dispose of your loved one humanely, thanks to our patented Tenderdump system.
I'll be there in 30 minutes or your breakup is free! (BLUES MUSIC PLA YING) (SINGING) I'm leaving you, baby With my clothes in my hand Farewell to you, baby Get yourself a monkey man I'm leaving With my clothes in my hand Farewell to you Get yourself a monkey man (LISA HUMMING) Simpson! What in the blue blazes are you doing to my hopscotching grids? I made them into a crossword.
Well, I'm a bit of a puzzle-head myself.
They help me wind down after a day of dealing with Skinner! - You called? - Made reference.
My mistake.
Lisa, I think you might be ready for this.
"Bald Man's Basketball League"? Sorry.
Wrong flier.
I meant this.
"Citywide Crossword Tournament"? Thank you! You're welcome.
Now I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his skimmer! - You called? - You misheard.
My mistake.
Marge, if I had $100 for every customer I'd broken up, I'd have exactly this amount 'cause that's what I charge! (LAUGHING) Homie, I'm not sure about this new business of yours.
You're making it too easy for couples to break up just because they hit a rough patch.
I know this is hard on you.
But in time, you'll come to see it's for the best.
That's one of your breakup lines! What would've happened if there was someone who could break us up every time I had my doubts about you? (MARGE SNORING) (BOTH SNORING) Who are you? We are the spirits of the relationships you killed.
(SCREAMING) We're the babies those couples would have had.
And we're the antiques those couples would have bought together.
Get him, chairs and babies! (SHOUTING) Homie? Marge, I'm getting out of the breakup business, and I don't know if I'll ever sleep soundly again.
Well, maybe Wow.
So this is what this is.
Cruciverbalists from far and wide have gathered here for a no-holds-barred test of skill.
- Surely some holds are barred? - No, none.
Well, it sounds really exciting and you're a delightful young lady.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Hey, what's going on? It's kind of a secret, so shut the door most of the way.
We found a way to make this tournament interesting.
We bet on the matches.
Really? Well, I did bring this envelope full of money.
And these days, betting in a bar is safer than any stock, bond or real estate investment.
Agreed.
So who are you gonna bet on? I want you to put it all on my little girl.
And parlay with the Asian kid.
He has a name, you know.
- What is it? - I don't know.
He's not my kid.
I win! She won! And like any prudent gambler, I know when to walk away Never! (SINGING) Dah pretty ladies around the world Got a weird thing to show you So tell all the boys and girls Tell your brother, your sister And your mama, too 'Cause they're about to go down And you'll know just what to do Wave your hands in the air Like you don't care Glide by the people As they start to look and stare Do your dance, do your dance Do your dance quick Mama, come on baby Tell me what's the word Word up Everybody say When you hear the call You've got to get it underway Word up Okay, everybody.
Take a break.
Dad, I could actually win this thing.
And when you win, I win.
(CHUCKLES) I'll explain that to you on your deathbed.
My only fear is, I always sabotage myself when I'm on the verge of happiness.
- You what? - In my young life, I've seen that every time I'm about to achieve true happiness, some little piece of me says, "You don't deserve this.
" And another little piece says, "I agree.
" Right, right! But will it happen this time? With my luck, I bet it will.
It's practically a sure thing.
Hmm.
(EX CLAIMS) Contestants to your boards.
- Wish me luck! - Just be yourself! I want to change my bet.
I'm going against my daughter! (ALL GASP) I'll take your money, but I won't look you in the eye.
Fine.
I won't look you in the eye.
- Have I made the bet yet? - I got it.
We're down to our final two contestants.
But before they compete, we would like to pay tribute to all the words that have been removed from the dictionary in the past year.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLA YING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) You know, my wife, Shirley, she's the real crossword ace in our family.
Fills in those letters fast as hail on a tin roof.
Ping-ping-ping, she's done.
Shirley passed away two years ago.
But I'm still not over it.
- That's so sad.
- Hey, what can you do? Life keeps changing the music, but you gotta keep up the cha-cha-cha, huh? (BUZZER SOUNDS) Let's see.
I'll spread some Q's around.
That'll get my brain going.
I dropped my glasses! Oh, Shirley baby, I let you down.
(SOBS) Hey, there are no lenses in these glasses.
Let's see.
That's Enrico Fermi.
And there you got the Pet Shop Boys.
And cross the "T" and zing the "z.
" And skit-skat-skoodly, I'm all the way home.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Lisa got hustled.
I blew it again.
She blew it again! Woo-hoo! Here's your money, drenched in your daughter's tears.
You know, for a bartender bookie, you're awfully judgmental.
(WHISTLING) Boy, Dad seems awfully happy.
And there's something different about him.
He bought new shoelaces with fancy metal tips.
Dad, did you come into some money we don't know about? (GASPS INCREDULOUSLY) - No.
- You got highlights in your hair! The sun did that.
And your car antenna has been straightened and re-balled.
What's going on? Well, sweetie, Daddy made a little extra money betting against you in the crossword tournament.
You'll understand when you're a parent placing large wagers against your own children.
I hope you're not mad.
No, I'm not mad.
- You sure you're not mad? - No, I'm not mad.
- You sure you're not mad? - No, I'm not mad.
Mr.
Teddy, can you ask Lisa if she's mad? What's that, Mr.
Teddy? You're saying that you know women.
And that when women say they're not mad, they're madder than ever? She's gone.
Can you drive me home? I'm a little drunk.
Lisa? Lisa? Lisa, sweetie, please look at your daddy.
You stopped being my daddy as soon as you bet against me! All I have now is a mom.
Which is why I'm taking her maiden name.
From now on, I'm Lisa Bouvier! (GASPS) Hey, Mr.
S, Lisa B.
No! - Would you like to buy some band candy? - Yes! Lisa's mad at me, and now she's using Marge's maiden name instead of mine.
Homer, whatever you done to that little girl, you just gotta do something even nicer to win her back.
She may never take back your name, but there's still a chance she'll take you back as her daddy.
Wow.
Nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.
So the name Lisa Simpson is available, huh? A lot of goodwill attached to that name.
I'm gonna take it.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) Lisa's Tavern.
Lisa speaking.
Lisa, sweetie, I'm honored that you chose my name, but it's not that great.
Back in high school, the boys used to call me Marge Boobier.
Hey, Bouvier was Jackie Kennedy's maiden name.
Really? I never knew that.
Well, what did you think her name was before it was Kennedy? Jackie O! Like SpaghettiOs! I thought that was where her money came from.
Look, why don't you cheer up by doing a New York Times crossword puzzle, huh? I'm through with crosswords.
My innocence died in those 441 little boxes.
It might be a fun way to kill a couple hours.
A couple hours? I can do the Sunday puzzle in less than one hour.
"Couple of hours.
" Last clue, loses on purpose.
Huh (EX CLAIMS) Diet! (LAUGHS) Will Shortz, you clever rascal.
And a new record time! Wait a second.
"Dumb dad sorry for his bet.
" Wow.
It's almost as if Dad planted that message.
No.
It must just be a weird coincidence.
But what if it's not? It must be.
Or mustn't it not? Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle? Well, I had a little help from this guy.
(LISA GASPS) New York Times crossword editor, Will Shortz! And master puzzle constructor, Merl Reagle! - I actually wrote that crossword.
- And I edited it.
- Now get back to crosswording! - Yes, sir.
Well, I must admit, I'm kind of touched.
"Dumb dad sorry for his bet.
" Nice.
You didn't get Homer's whole message, Lisa.
I didn't? Take a look at the first letters of all the clues.
Dear Lisa, you make me so happy.
Really, really, really happy.
Sorry.
He told me I needed 144 letters.
What was my point again? Oh, right.
Bouvier or Simpson, I cherish you.
Oh, Dad.
(CHERISH PLAYING) (SINGING) Cherish is the word I use to describe All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you English - US - SDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Mypods and Boomsticks
The Simpsons s20e07 Episode Script
Mypods and Boomsticks
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) SANTAS: (SADLY) Ho-ho-ho.
ALL: (SINGING) O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree - You're on the curb and dead now - You're on the curb and dead now - Your Christmas lights are in the box - Your Christmas lights are in the box In two months we will change the clocks O Christmas Tree, O They sure give the Christmas spirit the bum's rush around here.
And they've already started exploiting the next holiday.
So, young man, have you judged people by the content of their character this year? - Yes, Reverend Doctor.
- Lunch time! Free at last! Free at last! Okay, remember our deal.
Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings.
I'm returning this kitten calendar.
I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Kitten calendar.
Hey, those are 15 month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens! That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute.
Man, those are ugly kittens.
Mom! Dad! Our mall got a Mapple Store! It's so sterile.
MyPods.
MyPhones.
A Brainiac Bar.
My question is the following statement.
Operating system 4.
2 has sloppier architecture than a Tijuana anthill.
Did you get peanut butter in your Ethernet port again? No.
I got mayonnaise in the CD drive.
I see you're admiring our MyCube.
It's fueled by dreams and powered by imagination.
- What does it do? - You should ask yourself, - "What can I do for it?" - Okay, what can I do for you? - Please, I'm begging you! - Sir, it's not even turned on yet.
- But it's glowing.
- That light confirms that it's off.
I can't afford any of your products.
But can I buy some fake white earbuds so people will think I have a MyPod? Sure.
Those are called MyPhonies.
And they cost $40.
I'll never get a Mapple anything.
KRUSTY: I hate this MyPod! I can't watch movies on a screen this small! And the music today, don't get me started! I said don't get me started! Come on! Isn't someone gonna get me started? Let's go, Teeny.
Maybe somebody at Old Navy will get me started.
- Here, kid.
You take it.
- Thank you, Krusty.
Don't thank me.
Thank the Jewish Clown Awards gift basket.
I'm a Mapple person! - We're all Mapple people.
- Sorry.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, Mapple universe.
Prepare for a live announcement from Mapple Founder and Chief Imaginative Officer, Steve Mobs.
Steve Mobs! He's a genius! He's like a God who knows what we want! Greetings.
It is I.
Your insanely great leader, Steve Mobs.
I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep below the sea with an announcement that will completely change the way you look at everything.
(ALL GASP) And that announcement is BART: (ON MIC) You're all losers! Huh? You think you're cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a fruit on it? Well, guess what? They cost 8 bucks to make and I pee on every one! (ALL EX CLAIM) I have made a fortune off you chumps, and I've invested it all in Microsoft.
Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money! (ALL MUTTERING) Traitor! Your heart is blacker than your turtleneck! (LAUGHING) Who dares question the boss we fired It was my brother, Bart! Flay him with your earbuds! Flay him, I say! MyCube, take me away! (SINGING) Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful Get him! Get him good! Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society.
Now I know how Dane Cook feels! (SNIFFS) Mmm.
What's that exotic aroma? Smells like a hamburger cooked at a rug store.
Hello.
Would you like some lamb? Whoa! All these years I've been petting lambs when I should've been shoving them in my mouth! - I'm Bart.
- I'm Bashir.
My family and I just moved here from Jordan.
Jordan.
That's on some map somewhere, right? Bashir, introduce me to your new friend.
Bashir, you didn't tell me you had a sister.
Such a charmer.
Would you like to stay for dinner? Hey, I never refuse food from strangers.
Okay.
You're new to our school, so here's the deal.
We call Skinner, Skin Rash.
Mr.
Wiener is Mr.
Whiner.
And Groundskeeper Willie, Grounds Creeper Stupid.
That's not clever.
And I have so many aspects you can mock.
I'm poor.
I'm dirty.
I can't read or write.
I think movies are real.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Okay, next.
Here's the food at the cafeteria that will make you sick.
Coleslaw, tuna, all chowders and gumbos.
The only thing that's safe is the pork chops.
My religion says I can never eat pork.
A different religion? Do not tell anyone that, because if the bullies around here find out that you're different JIMBO: Who's different? What's your name, sweat stain? - Bashir.
- Bash Here? I love a kid that comes with directions! Okay, Bash Here, tell us where you came from so we can punch you back there.
I'm gonna punch you extra hard because I secretly think you're cute! Whoa! Whoa! You can't just wail on him because he's What religion are you anyway? - Muslim.
- Oh, boy.
You're the reason I can't carry toothpaste on an airplane! Ow! Look, guys.
Everyone's different.
Jimbo, you're Christian.
Dolph, you're Jewish.
And Kearney, your family's in that cult Moe started.
I had to join.
My mom's doing the savior.
- I mean, the one true Moe.
- You're the one true Moe.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - Help me, oh, mighty Moe! - I can't.
I'm not really a God.
I was just acting crazy to get out of jury duty.
Look at Lisa Simpson over there by herself.
Not talking to us, her best friends.
Do we hate her? - Yes! - Yes! Lisa, we came to tell you that we - Is that a MyPod? - Yeah! I've already downloaded so much incredible music.
Check out Moon Dreams, from Miles Davis' Birth of the Cool.
(MOON DREAMS PLAYING) Or check out this MyTunes exclusive episode of Itchy and Scratchy.
(BOTH EX CLAIM) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLA YING) (EX CLAIMS) (SCREAMS) Why? Stop! (SINGING) I love the nightlife I've got to boogie On the disco round (LAUGHING) Marge, I installed all the low energy bulbs.
MARGE: What have you done with the old ones? Disposed of them in an environmentally-friendly manner.
(CHUCKLING) (GREETING IN ARABIC) Milhouse is looking good.
He's got contacts, changed color, got a cool new catch phrase.
(GREETS IN ARABIC) Dad, that's Bashir, my new friend.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Bart forgot this, sir.
- "Sir"? That's the kind of respect you'd have to strangle out of an American kid.
You know, Bart never told me he had a handsome teenage brother.
(LAUGHS) I'm really 38.
Thirty-eight waist I might believe.
Hey, Carl.
Got any idea what direction Mecca's in? Why don't you ask Homer? He ought to know by dint of his son's new friend.
Hey, Bashir's great.
If Derek Jeter married Mariah Carey, it wouldn't last, but I bet they'd have a kid like him.
Homer, this is serious.
This Bashir kid is Muslim, and therefore up to something.
Well, I can't believe that till I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.
All right.
For the last time, Fayed.
Where did you hide the nerve gas? Under your Statue of Liberty's dress! And she loved it! Oh, my God.
What can I do? Well, if you want to stop Bashir and his war on American principles, you could discriminate against his family in employment and housing.
Yeah, that's pretty patriotic.
But I got a better idea.
Invite them over.
A little dinner, a little dessert.
Then you Jack Bauer them into giving you all their secrets.
(ALL CHUCKLING) I guess I have no choice.
Homie, it's very open-minded of you to have Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
Here's the plan, Marge.
You keep them talking.
I'll be listening and quietly judging.
(DOORBELL RINGS) The doorbell will tell you when they're here.
So, how did you two meet? We met while studying at Jordan University of Science and Technology.
Interesting.
Why just the other day, I was reading that science is used to make bombs.
Now bait the trap.
Why don't I get us dessert? I made us a little cake.
Care to cut? Watch this, Lenny.
Not now! I got soap in my eyes! No.
Thank you.
What's the matter? Don't like the taste of freedom? Dad, these people are my friends.
Don't fear them just because they have a different religion, a different culture and their last name is bin Laden.
Young man, you do not respect us by disrespecting your father.
- I like the way you Italians think.
- Shut up, old man.
I think it is time for us to go.
That's it! Ruin a perfect evening! You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance! I'm sorry.
It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion.
Well, I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
But we're the more powerful country for a few more years.
Okay.
I'll apologize.
Don't eat that, sweetie.
It's poison.
"I am sorry I suspected you of being soulless murderers of innocent children.
"I hope we can move past this and" (GASPS) Dynamite? They are terrorists! Must leave quietly.
So far, so good.
Marge, I was right! Everybody is whatever I think they are! I saw them unloading dynamite! Homer, I'm sure you didn't see anything.
Go to sleep.
All right, sweetie.
But if I wake up tomorrow, we'll discuss it.
Hi, Homer! You rubbed.
You must like me! You really, really like me! Good morning, Ramadan! Come to Crazy Fayedi's! Our prices are Hussein! Here's Genie! - Now do Flanders! - No.
Now I will destroy your decadent western society.
No! Usually that ends the dream.
The power of dreaming has convinced me the threat is real! (DOORBELL RINGS) Delivery for Lisa Simpson.
(GASPS) It's a gift from Mapple! Such beautiful packaging.
I never thought a company could be my soul mate.
It's my first MyBill.
$1,200? But I only downloaded 1212 songs.
I gotta prove the genie was right.
Off to work.
Sometimes I wish you would quit that awful business.
But I love blowing up buildings.
Oh, my God! Safely and legally in order to make room for new buildings.
Darling.
I think you're working much too hard.
Yes.
I am killing myself.
But it is all for the profit.
And after the explosion, I will be in a better place.
That corner office with the downtown view.
Oh, it's you.
What do you want? I want to apologize for being such a jerk at dinner.
And I thought the best way to do that would be to come to your house and poke around.
Mr.
Simpson, I accept your apology.
Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! I read somewhere your people are hospitable to guests.
- Is that true? - (SIGHS) Yes.
- Praise be Oliver.
- That's Allah.
We'll look it up in the Corona.
So, now that we're alone, death to America, right? - Homer, why are you really here? - Look at that! We're out of almond paste! Don't get up! I'll grind the almonds myself! A computer.
I'm in.
(READING) They're gonna blow it up! Homer, I don't hear almond grinding.
Just listen! I'm grinding them now.
(MIMICS GRINDING) Ow! My finger! Here comes the ambulance! (MIMICS AMBULANCE SIREN) My, you're a handsome fellow.
Just get in the ambulance, Mr.
Simpson.
We'll see to your finger.
Why, thank you.
(MIMICS AMBULANCE SIREN) My finger! Everyone, get out! Run for your lives! Run for your Stay where you are.
Bart! Boy, don't blow up this mall.
It has the cookie store that gives free samples! I can't believe your dad gets paid to blow stuff up.
Actually, Bart, my job is about math and engineering.
Every calculation is to make sure the explosion is safe.
- Did you factor in one bald idiot? - No, I USA! USA! USA! Dad, it was an empty building.
It was supposed to come down.
- What about the bridge? - That was supposed to open tomorrow.
Do we really need a bridge there? The Duff brewery is on that island.
I'll save you! (HOMER CHUCKLING) That banner has really paid for itself over the years! We accept your apology.
Lisa, add another name to our Christmas card list.
(WHISPERING) Next to our Jewish friends.
Where is Lisa? She said something about the bottom of the ocean and "be back in a month.
" ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Mapple headquarters.
The cost of this journey will be added to your bill.
Come on.
Come on.
Yes! Sixteen million results! Mr.
Mobs, there's a surface dweller here to see you.
MyTunes user Jazzgal62.
Lisa Simpson.
Send her in.
Lisa! It's insanely great to see you.
Mr.
Mobs, I sort of downloaded too many songs onto my MyPod, and I don't have the money to pay for them.
And do you think you could consider a reduced payment plan? I'm sorry.
I know our posters say, "Think differently," but our real slogan is, "No refunds.
" (SNIFFLING) Can't you open your Mapple menu and click on the "compassion bar"? Oh, please? Lisa, how would you like to work for Mapple? Would I ever! Think differently.
Think differently.
Think differently.
(SIGHS) Think differently.
English - US - SDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  The Burns and the Bees
The Simpsons s20e08 Episode Script
The Burns and the Bees
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Sir, we're two minutes from landing at the billionaire's retreat.
Ah! My favorite week of the year.
Sophisticated financial discussions with my fellow plutocrats.
Food fight! (ALL CHEERING) Take that, Ted Turner.
In your face, founder of Facebook! Skinny dip! (LAUGHS EX CITEDLY) Yee-haw! (ALL CHEERING) MAN: Gangway! (ALL SHOUTING EX CITEDLY) (CHUCKLES) (HUMMING) "Men.
" The room for me.
(WOMEN SCREAMING) Nice prank, Simpson.
I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.
Why would I want to? Because I said, "I dare you.
" Kearney, can you read it back? "Nice prank, Simpson.
I dare you to "dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.
"Bart: Why would I want to? Jimbo: Because I said, 'I dare you.
' "Kearney, can you read it back? "Kearney, reading: Nice prank, Simpson.
I dare you to" The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards! My nards accept! Stingamajigs! Save yourselves! Huh? Where are the bees? - No bees? - Dare annulled.
- Can I appeal? - Yeah.
Appeal to other guys, Captain Wuss! Other than the birth of my kid, this is my happiest moment.
All the bees are dead! Aye, lass.
The bees are dying, and not just here.
All over the world.
From Glasgow clear to Edinburgh.
And no one knows why.
(PLAYING AMAZING GRACE ON BAGPIPES) I've lost a lot of wee friends of late.
(STIFLES SOB) Willie, I didn't know you were an apiarist.
From context, I can tell that means beekeeper.
'Tis a tragedy, Lisa.
No man should outlive his bees.
They're stinging God now.
(LAUGHING CRAZILY) And the call from the SEC was coming from inside their own brokerage house! Jeff Bezos wet his pants! I did not.
That was apple juice from before! - I fold.
- I raise a million dollars.
And to sweeten the pot, my assistant, Smithers.
If you lose me, sir, may I say what an honor it's been to Bets don't talk.
They see and raise.
(SMITHERS GROANS) Well, if we're betting people, I got a whole herd of them.
My professional basketball team, the Austin Celtics.
Well, they're hardly worth a Smithers.
But we don't have all night.
Can you beat nine high? Damn! Eight high! So I own a basketball team, do I? Take good care of them, Burnsie.
Don't let the forwards mix with the guards.
And if they're acting sluggish, slip some steroids into their cocaine.
(CONTENTEDLY) Mmm-hmm.
Fortune Four Lotto numbers are nine - (SNORTS) Knew it.
- Seven Duh.
- Three - What? - And - Boring.
Dad, we have to do something! All the bees are dying! (MOCKINGLY) Oh, no! No bees? Ooh! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches? But, Dad, bees pollinate flowers.
(SCOFFS DISMISSIVELY) Flowers.
The painted whores of the plant world.
No bees means no honey.
(RAGGED BREATHING) Synthetic honey, just like you remember.
(GASPS) Honey? (WHINING) Thank you.
(MOANING) (HOMER YELLING) D'oh! I never dreamed the future could be scary.
Let's go, Lisa.
- We've got some worms to save.
- Bees.
Worms, bees, ticks, fleas.
Let's go, go, go! I'm glad you called me.
I know I'm not the first scientist in the phone book.
That's Associate Professor Aaron Ableman.
How I hate him.
(GASPS) Thundering thorax! It's just exactly what I feared! In there.
Close.
See these red dots? This bee has been felled by bee measles.
Or as I call it, beesles.
Animals can get sick? I'm going to talk to the girl from now on.
- You're the nerd.
- What we need to do now is find enough uninfected bees to start a healthy colony.
This pheromone should attract them.
Marry me, and I'll support you for life.
You're not a bee! This thing is useless.
(GASPS) (GRUNTS INDIGNANTLY) (GASPS) There's one on Lisa.
Hold still, sweetie.
Daddy will kill it.
(QUIETLY) And this time, no screw-ups.
Stop! Stop! It's an uninfected queen! (GASPS) How do we catch her without hurting her? Unfortunately, the best method is to allow her to sting you.
(LISA SCREAMS IN PAIN) Yeah.
Much like that.
Now squeeze around the stinger to keep her attached, and a colony of bees will soon form around your face.
Now just keep them there until the colony is healthy and thriving.
How long is that? Long enough that you will be known as Springfield's crazy bee girl.
(LAUGHS) She likes the stingers! (MARGE HUMMING) Marge, remember when we were talking about our worst fears? Mmm-hmm.
And mine was snakes, and yours was Never being a grandmother.
Really? I thought it was Lisa with a beard of bees.
Well, whatever.
Brace yourself.
President Lincoln, you've come back! And you got rid of that hat! You've got my vote! Lisa, I don't like this at all.
It's not for long.
But until they find a suitable habitat, this beard is the only hope for these bees.
Relax, Mom.
I'll mold them into a shape you know and love.
Stop Milhousing your sister! Now take it off before they sting you.
Actually, bees rarely sting when they're in a cluster.
They only attack to defend their hive.
I don't know.
All it takes is one troubled Ioner.
Please let me keep them for just a little longer.
Okay.
One night.
So let's see how my burly-bottomed ball handlers are faring.
(LAUGHS IN PLEASANT SURPRISE) Smithers, we're leading two to nothing.
Run out the clock, boys.
Run out the clock.
(CROWD CHEERING) (BUZZER BUZZING) Oh, yeah! Three points! Big three in the Big D for the Big C! Mark Cuban, that's me! Who is that man? And why isn't his enthusiasm being punished? That's Mark Cuban, sir.
He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.
I'm out of my mind! How odd.
His money seems to have bought him happiness.
(PLAYING CHEERFUL MUSIC) I'd like to meet him, Smithers.
So you made your money in nuclear power? I can't remember how I made my money! If you're really a billionaire, give me the secret billionaires handshake.
Smithers, turn away.
(GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Hey! So tell me, why don't you recoil from the public like a normal billionaire? Hey, why own a basketball team if you're not gonna have any fun? "Fun"? Is that how it's pronounced? - I've only seen it written.
- Hold that thought.
No one's paid attention to me for 10 whole seconds.
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING) It's time for this peacock to show his feathers.
You know, the feathers with the big eye that trick them into thinking that's my front? Said feathers are what I'll flaunt! Mom, maybe you shouldn't have put so much syrup on the pancakes.
(GULPING) The secret is not to swallow the stingers.
(SPITTING) - Dad, don't eat the bees! - They're just drones, Lisa.
They only live for like five minutes anyway.
And they only have haploid cells, not diploid, like me and Bart! - Yeah! - Listen, Lisa, I was trying to think of a way to help your bees.
And I remembered this abandoned greenhouse outside of town.
Which used to be a beautiful thriving greenhouse till I was hired to run it.
Your bees will have plenty of room in this old greenhouse.
Plus, there are flowers.
And it's near a prison, so they'll have a place to sting people.
Oh, Mom, it's perfect! Go live your lives! Get off my face! I miss them.
Now you know how I'll feel when you go to college.
You'll always have Bart, always.
But he'll be gone a lot, repairing refrigerators.
Always.
ANNOUNCER ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your new fun-Ioving owner.
You've seen him on the cover of the December 1943 issue of Collier's Magazine, Montgomery Burns! (CROWD CHEERING) Silence! Now let's make some noise for everyone's favorite basketball team, whom I have renamed the Springfield Excitement! I knew it! Now I would like to sing our national anthem.
(SINGING TO MELOD Y OF GOD SA VE THE QUEEN) My country 'tis of thee Austria, Hungary Obey your king (WHISPERING) Sir, the Archduke is dead.
What? The Archduke is dead? And the empire is destroyed.
- Then what happened? - World War I.
- Then what? - World War II.
- Then what? - A postwar period.
- Then what? - The Cold War.
Then what? Then what? (SMITHERS WHISPERING UNINTELLIGIBLY) - Then what? - The European Union.
A European union? Good heavens.
MR.
BURNS: Ladies, hold on to your husbands.
It's time for the saucy antics of Springfield's own Basket-Belles! (LIVEL YPIANO MUSIC PLA YING) (CROWD BOOING) Enough of this vulgarity! Back to your brothel, harlots! Now enjoy your game and the madcap antics of the freewheeling title holder of this asset, me! (HIP-HOPHOORA YPLAYING OVER PA) Hip-Hop hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! (RAPPING) You drew a picture of my morning But you couldn't make my day (GUNSHOT) - Sir, were those real bullets? - Yes.
Was that a real gorilla? - No.
- I see.
(CROWD CHATTERING ANGRILY) Sir, your escapades, while well intentioned, seem to be driving away our fans.
We have to turn this business around.
Time to think outside the boxiola.
What would Mark Cuban do? I'm out of my mind! That's not much help.
Build a new arena, state-of-the-art! New arena.
(SCREAMING) (GASPING) That's it, men! Pave and tar the way God intended! Mr.
Burns, you can't do this! I can, I shall, and in the future, I will have done! I cannot be stopped.
Kill his acorns and make him watch.
First, one announcement.
I regret to inform you we are not offering childcare tonight.
I don't know who that guy was you were leaving your kids with.
Now without further ado, let's get ready to referendum! There's only one place in town where the bees can survive, and Mr.
Burns wants to tear it down.
(MR.
BURNS GULPS) Please, people.
You didn't listen to me about the snail darter.
You didn't listen to me about the osprey.
And you didn't listen to me about the javelina! The feisty pig of the desert? Apparently not feisty enough.
Future generations will judge us by how we cared for the tiniest creatures.
I am not just asking you to save the bees.
I am asking you to save your souls! (CROWD WHISTLING) Excellent speech.
Just excellent.
I no longer wish to build my magnificent new basketball stadium.
- You don't? - Heavens no.
No skyboxes.
No kiss cam.
Nor will we have the chance to marvel at number-one draft pick Muk Mu, the human North Pole.
(ALL EX CLAIMING) No.
I'm afraid he'll be on the first kayak back to Ketchikan.
- ALL: No! - Please don't take our freak! I love you, Muk Mu! - Muk Mu! Muk Mu! - Muk Mu! Muk Mu! All those in favor of building this decadent monument to excess, - say aye.
- ALL: Aye! (SIGHS) Nay.
I know it's not your fault, Muk Mu.
You're a gentle, loving soul.
(MUK MU SPEAKING ESKIMO LANGUAGE) What's wrong with your bees, Lisa? Mr.
Burns took away their sanctuary.
And now they aren't strong enough to survive on their own! I'm going home.
Give me the keys to my bike lock.
- Are you sure? - Give me the keys! Okay, okay.
I don't know why I had them in the first place.
(LISA GRUMBLING) I'd do anything to cheer up my little girl.
Really? Listen, Homer.
In the back room, I got these super tough Africanized bees.
I saw this ad in a gentlemen's magazine for excited African honeys, and that's what they sent me.
If we could combine them with Lisa's bees, it would make them strong enough to survive any environment.
But how are we supposed to combine the DNA of two strains of the same species? Actually, Homer - (GASPS) You and me? - No.
The bees! Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what I meant, too.
I have no inclination.
Got the queen? Yup.
And she's ready for a night of anonymous sex with multiple partners.
Now let's give 'em some privacy while they get down to "buzziness.
" (MOE CHUCKLES) (SEA OF LOVEPLAYING) Come with me, my love To the sea The sea of love (SNIFFLES) If they was me, they'd be done by now.
(LISA PANTING) Wow, this must be important, Dad.
I've never seen you walk up an incline before.
Sweetie, I have a very special surprise for you.
My bees? Your bees died days ago! (BEES BUZZING) These are their angry mutant descendants! And they're tough enough to live in any environment.
They sound awfully mad.
Are they dangerous? Hmm.
I'm not sure.
Let me check.
Are you guys dangerous? A simple "yes" would've sufficed! (LISA SCREAMS) Don't worry, Lisa.
Where else are they gonna go? To that new stadium that looks exactly like a hive! Welcome to the American dream.
A billionaire using public funds to construct a private playground for the rich and powerful.
And now, so our skybox owners can really enjoy the game, I shall let in the sky! (BEES BUZZING) (CROWD CRYING FRANTICALLY) Stop! I am one of you! We've been invaded by a swarm of killer bees.
My microphone is no microphone at all.
It's bees! Am I being badly stung? Yes.
And it hurts.
(SCREAMING) (COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLA YING) (ALL SCREAMING IN PAIN) (SPEAKING ESKIMO LANGUAGE) Our bullets are useless! Okay, they're useful on me.
Oh! They've found a home! You've won this round.
But when next we meet, the beekeeper will be the beekeepee.
(LAUGHING) (MR.
BURNS SCREAMING) Help me, Muk Mu! (SIGHS) (SPEAKING ESKIMO LANGUAGE) So that's how I was outfoxed by a little girl and her halfwit companion when my beautiful stadium was declared a bee sanctuary, and I had to take a third-quarter write-down of 804 million dollars.
Wait a minute! Someone crunch the numbers! He's only worth $996,036,000! (ALL GASP) He's not a billionaire at all! Wait, wait, wait! It's only a matter of four million.
I'm sure I can find that somewhere.
I have $50 here in my wallet.
Mark, can you get me off the hook for old times' sake? Can't do it, Monty.
(GASPS) Don't worry.
You'll feel a lot more comfortable (MOCKING) in the millionaire's camp.
No! No! Just kill me now! (SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy do! I own a minor league hockey team! (SCREAMING)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Lisa the Drama Queen
The Simpsons s20e09 Episode Script
Lisa the Drama Queen
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Worst couch gag ever.
Why do we have to go to the rec center? I want to play with my friends! When you're older, you'll miss these fun activities.
You're older.
Why don't you do these fun activities? Because no one's making me.
Bye-bye! (HOMER LAUGHING) Welcome to Shaolin Kung Fu.
Ten thousand years of knowledge will be passed along to those whose parents have signed a permission slip.
The rest of you have just purchased very expensive pajamas.
(BOYS GROANING) (SPEAKING HINDl) Pardon me, master.
But what does a big fat wad like you know about Kung Fu? Kung Fu is not about physique but the channeling of one's energy, or chi.
If you doubt my skill, please feel free to attack at my signal.
(BOYS YELLING) (JEFF GROANING) My chi! Do we have any more paints? My orange isn't the orange of that orange.
- Just paint the damn fruit! - Lower your expectations, Lisa.
Public program, public program.
TEACHER: Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Stop! Stop! Juliet, this is terrible! Your art is personal and wrong! (IN BRITISH ACCENT) I was painting with my heart.
And if you look carefully, you can see that the knight is Josh Groban, our young century's greatest vocalist.
Oh! Another Grobanite.
Excuse me.
But I think her painting is very imaginative.
I suppose you'd like to teach this class! Yes, I would.
Class, everyone, please stop and admire Juliet's painting.
I do not need this! My family owns a gas station! If you two thoughtful and creative girls don't like the way I teach, there's a world of fun, outside.
See you! (LISA AND JULIET GIGGLING) What are you staring at? Everyone paint me twenty laps! (STUDENTS GRUMBLING) Come on, fatty! Keep up! So how come I've never seen you around the Janet L.
Munoz Robbins Rec Center before? My father just took a position at Springfield University.
Are your parents academics? (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) Kinda.
Let's do some Groban.
- (SINGING) Everybody wants - (SINGING) Everybody wants - To be understood - To be understood - Well, I can hear you - Well, I can hear you - Everybody wants - Everybody wants - To be loved - To be loved - Don't give up - Don't give up - Because you are loved - Because you are loved (DOG HOWLING) I need some candy for a first play date, but I don't want to come on too strong.
- M&M'S? - Well, if I pick plain, she'll think I'm cheap.
But if I pick peanuts, she may have an allergy.
- You just killed her, Bart! - How about Charleston Chew? What is this? Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
You ask for my help then you don't want it.
Excuse me.
But why not consider an Almond Joy.
It looks like you only brought something for yourself.
But then you just happen to have two pieces! Finally a real suggestion! If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed! Mmm.
Oh.
(GIRLS CHATTERING) - Hi, Juliet.
- So what do you want to do? I don't know.
It's been so long since I've had a play date.
Not that I couldn't get one if I wanted.
My parents bought me a membership card to the Folk Art Museum.
Does it get you into special exhibits? - On Wednesdays.
- (GASPS) That's today! (WIPE OUTPLAYING) (SINGING) Folk art So Lisa asked if her new friend could stay for dinner.
She's finally doing something the book said she would.
Won't last.
(LISA AND JULIET LAUGHING) Hey, Mom.
Can Juliet sleep over? Are your parents okay with that? They never met us.
We could be murderers.
Could've been, if we hadn't had kids.
Juliet's father is the world's foremost John Grisham scholar.
He found several undiscovered plot twists in The Client, and he proved that the real villain in A Time to Kill is the legal system itself.
Told you, Marge.
Told you! (BOTH SNICKERING) Now we need a name for our imaginary kingdom I mean, queendom.
How about Equalia? Equalia.
Where everyone is equal but we're in charge.
I mean, somebody has to be, right? Okay, you two.
Lights out.
Lisa, do you want to be best friends? Gosh, this is all happening so fast.
I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.
Say yes.
- I'd love to! (MARGE WHOOPING) Good night, Lisa.
I have a best friend.
(LISA GASPS) - You heard me say that, didn't you? - I did.
- We're still cool though, right? - We are.
My best friend is so cool.
- Mom, I'm meeting Juliet after school! - Great! Here are a few best friend tips.
Compliment her hair and shoes.
If her dog bites you, don't make a big deal out of it, and Friendship is like marriage.
The key is listening.
Also, if her dog bites you, don't make a big deal out of it.
I just said that! Okay, honey.
If it's that important to you, you said it.
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) We're at the end of chapter four.
But we need a grabber, a whammy, a snapperoo, some eye mustard! I got it! How about this? What if Queen Helvetica found a rare two-horned unicorn? A twonicorn! Oh! I love your accent.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Twonicorn.
" You are definitely doing the book on tape.
And Queens Valedictoria and Helvetica hid their beloved twonicorn from the hungry ogre, Homeroni.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Girls are so lame.
Isn't that right, headless Darth Vader? What's that? You miss your girlfriend, armless Malibu Stacy wrapped in hockey tape? (KISSING) Now, remember.
Juliet's family is very classy.
So be on your best behavior.
Use as many big words as possible.
I call "computer.
" Bart, you can have "doorbell.
" (EX CLAIMS) Nice doorbell.
Is it computerized? - Hey, that was - Homer! Well, we I You come up with an excuse! (BART EX CLAIMS IN PAIN) Homer, isn't it wonderful that my Juliet and your Lisa have become such fast friends? (LAUGHING) If you say so, m'Iord.
- Dinner's ready.
- Lf you'll show me to your bathroom, I'd like to pretend to wash my hands.
New friendship, so full of promise.
Much like a young Mitch McDeere in John Grisham's The Firm.
(MUFFLED) When they make a movie from his books, does he get one or two free tickets? It depends on the production company.
"He had much to be happy about.
"A brilliant mind and a solid body that did not gain weight "and needed little sleep.
" Attention, everyone.
Lisa and I would like to perform a medley of Josh Groban's Juliet, I'm worried this Josh Groban is becoming a bit of an obsession for you.
Let's just listen to James Horner's soundtrack to The Pelican Brief, shall we? Track three, Researching the Brief.
(RESEARCHING THE BRIEFPLAYING) I hate track three! I hate it! I hate it! (JULIET CRYING) I'll go get her.
Hey, could you take a look at a lump on my back? - I'm not that kind of doctor.
- I get it.
Here's 10 bucks.
DR.
HOBBES: Mmm.
- That's chewing gum.
- What a racket.
Juliet, are you okay? I am now.
Don't you see them? - See who? - Our friends! The lords and ladies of Equalia! Juliet, you're scaring me just a little Oh! Co-Queens Helvetica and Valedictoria, we're so glad you're finally here.
I'm a giraffopus.
I'm uncomfortable in water and on land.
(GASPS) A twonicorn! Toss me a treat! (TWONICORN GULPS) I didn't know I could do that.
And now hit "shuffle" on the royal MyPod.
(SO SHE DANCES PLAYING) (SINGING) So she dances In and out of the crowd like a glance This romance is From afar calling me silently These be mini-pizzas made from dragon eggs, Your Majesties.
- Mom, please don't do that.
- Who is this mom of which you speak? Mom, stop! This is our thing, not yours.
- I'm just trying to - It's better if you don't.
(MURMURS IN HURT) Mr.
And Mrs.
Simpson, we need to talk about Lisa.
She's unfocused, scribbling nonsense, living in a world of her own.
(HOMER LAUGHING) - Well, that's Bart for you.
- We're talking about Lisa, your daughter.
Seems like you and I are always talking about Bart, my son.
Lisa has been seeing an awful lot of her new friend.
Yes.
The one I've seen on Lisa's Facebook page.
I search all the children's Facebook pages for unflattering references to me.
By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
(LAUGHING) That.
We were actually just going out for brunch and I got lost.
But don't worry, Officer.
We'll definitely have a talk with the boy.
LISA: I can't see Juliet anymore? I thought you wanted me to have a best friend! There are limits to how much two people should be together! Well, you can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'II - I'll disobey! - I'm Bart Simpson's mother.
You think you've got any tricks I haven't seen? Bart Simpson, age three.
(LISA GRUNTS ANGRILY) Bart Simpson, age ten.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) (CRASHING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (CHILDREN CHATTERING) Juliet, what are you doing here? I'm running away.
And you're coming with me.
I'd love to! But I'm supposed to attend the model UN this weekend.
I'm the delegate from Azerbaijan, and I'm threatening a rice tariff.
Lisa, I know how important the model UN's work is.
But Equalia needs you.
I need you.
Okay, best friend.
I remember when I was young and I ran off to a land of equality.
(MAN COUGHING) - Name.
- Dr.
William McDougal.
From now on, you're Groundskeeper Willie.
Next.
This is where we'll live.
- How did you find this place? - My family ate here last week.
It really went downhill fast.
But if you just believe, anyplace can be Equalia.
Oh, no.
Clam-Elot's is closed.
I'm not surprised.
Their clam chowder smelled like soap.
Yeah.
I wonder if Lisa has threatened the model UN with her rice tariff yet? I doubt it.
Friday's usually just committee assignments and procedural rules.
(PHONE RINGING) - MARTIN ON PHONE: Mrs.
Simpson! - Hiya, Martin.
How's the model UN? Total chaos! We're two minutes away from a roll call vote on a non-binding resolution and no Azerbaijan! (GASPS) Are you saying Lisa's not there? To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes! Lisa ran away! And it's all my fault! If I'd just let her continue her obsessive relationship with that troubled little girl, everything would've been fine.
If I know my sister, and unfortunately I do, she probably ran off to some lame-o make-believe castle.
A castle? (GASPS) I know where they are! - Wait! - Hmm? - Is it someplace I'd have to put on a tie? - No.
Is it a place I'd look overdressed if I did wear a tie? You probably would.
What about a jacket and jeans with a nice t-shirt? Just go! (HOMER EX CLAIMS) You know what I think killed this place? No one wanted to drive to the middle of the forest for clams.
(CAR APPROACHING) Let's go get my little girl.
(GASPS) My family's here! MARGE: Hmm? She's not here? KEARNEY: Hmm? (BOTH GASP) Girls in our hideout? Now they'll tell people where we go to stash our stolen peaches! And to wait out our bad haircuts.
We'd better tie them up.
This place is where we came after my bar mitzvah.
You said you weren't having one.
It was just family.
All these pictures of seafood are making me hungry.
We'll get some cream for the peaches while you guard the prisoners.
Don't screw it up, butt brain! At least my dad didn't smoke after his stroke.
(DOOR CLOSING) Juliet, I'm scared.
Shut your eyes and you'll be in Equalia.
Equalia is not real! Maybe not.
But it's better than this.
(LISA SIGHS) So the armies of the gnomes and the elves faced off on either side of the hollow, broad axes poised.
With a fearsome cry, they raced towards the center of the battlefield, banners aflutter in the breeze! What comes next? A battle to determine the fate of Equalia.
But you wouldn't be interested.
I have a wide variety of interests.
Is there them dragon things? Isn't that a little clichÃ©d? Yes! I mean, yes, there are dragons, everywhere! Green ones, Chinese ones, chubby bald ones.
I like those ones! Tell me about those! - "And so the queens" - And the Me Dragon.
"danced the minuet of equality on a gossamer dewdrop.
" Aww.
(DOLPH EX CLAIMS) What's going on here? What's this? An ambitious first novel by the two brightest young writers this side of the Iowa Writers' Workshop.
I bet it'll burn up good.
(DOLPH AND JIMBO LAUGHING) Put the book down! Why should we, butt brain? For Equalia! (IN HER EYES PLAYING) (SINGING) I am not a hero I am not an angel I am just a man Man who's trying to love her (DOLPH AND JIMBO GRUNTING) - Well, it looks like we're safe.
- Looks like.
Juliet, I don't want to go to Equalia anymore.
What do you mean? It's a special place.
But I need to live in the real world.
The real world? The real world is for people who can't imagine anything better.
Goodbye, Lisa.
Goodbye, Juliet.
(SING-SONG) Cuckoo.
"We have received your manuscript, The Chronicles of Equalia.
'" Sounds promising so far! "Unfortunately, it is not what we're looking for at this time.
"Thank you for thinking of us.
" (LAUGHING MEANLY) Rejected! You got a letter all the way from New York City, and that's something.
And you know what else, sweetie? You and your friend, Princess Nut Job, inspired me to write my own fantasy novel based on my experiences as a dad.
Okay, "Chapter One" Uh Uh Oh! Writing is hard! BART: Ladies and gentlemen, Fall Out Boy! (FALL OUT BOY PLAYING THE SIMPSONS THEME SONG)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 20  >  Take My Life, Please
The Simpsons s20e10 Episode Script
Take My Life, Please
(SINGING) The Simpsons (CROW CAWING) (MUFFLED SCREAM) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BARNEY BELCHES) (HORN BELLOWING) (LENNY SHRIEKS) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (EX CLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) Aha! (MARGE GASPS) Today we induct the newest honoree to the Springfield Wall of Fame, who will take his place along such luminaries as Duffman, Poochie and the man who invented the yield sign, Paul Yield.
Now please welcome the newest inductee into the Springfield Wall of Fame, local businessman, frequent flyer silver cardholder, and legendary 20% tipper, (ALL GASP) Springfield's own Vance Connor! (ALL CHEERING) - Hi, hi.
- MAN: You're better than us! - Homer, that guy's your age? - No, he's ten days younger.
So you're saying he'll look like you in ten days? If he's lucky.
The guy owns a few local businesses and everyone treats him like he's God! Well, God doesn't need his own special day.
What about Sunday? Sunday's the Lord's day, boy.
Not God's.
Completely different guy.
Your father's just jealous because Vance was our class president in high school.
If I had won class president, I'd be the one getting thrown up in the air right now.
Dad, you ran for class president? Yep.
Back in high school, right before I met your mother.
A simpler time when the only thing we worried about was total nuclear annihilation.
(ROCK THE BOA TPLAYING) - (SINGING) Rock the boat - (SINGING) Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over So under my reign as vice president, we sent three mathletes to the state finals.
All of the tenth graders' lima beans germinated.
- ALL: Yeah! - Yeah, you should be proud.
So if you want to build on that, vote for me, and you will all advance with Vance! Now I'm gonna throw it back to a guy who, in my opinion, is the classiest principal in the business, (DONDALINGER COUGHING) Principal Dondalinger! Ladies, I've seen him up close.
And, yes, his eyes are that green.
Our next candidate is Homer Simpson.
Please hold your applause forever.
(MICROPHONE WHISTLING) My fellow Wildcats.
My name is Homer Simpson.
(LOUDL Y) There are many reasons why I I I You know what? (CONFUSED MURMURING) I spent all night working on that speech.
But now I realize the best thing to do is speak from my heart.
- WOMAN: His heart! - So I feel that Fellow Wildcats (STAMMERING IN FEAR) Webster defines In the words of Ted Nugent You School spirit Next card The future (ALL LAUGHING) I've never heard a speech so bad.
Ten days detention! No fair! Anyone who votes for Vance gets a half day tomorrow.
Half day, eh? (GROANS) Don't feel bad, Homie.
I married you! And you're a million times better than (GASPS) Here comes Vance! - Hey, Vance! - Thanks for coming out.
- Hey, Gail.
I love your bangs.
- Hi.
There they are.
My favorite mixed-race couple.
Guys that popular and confident are never truly happy.
- He looks happy.
- Tears of a clown.
He's not crying.
And he's not known for clowning.
Exception that proves the rule.
If losers like me know one thing, it's that deep down, winners like him are miserable.
Watch, I'll prove it.
Angry nut coming through! Clear a path, boys.
(HOMER MURMURING ANGRILY) - Hey, Vance.
- Hey, Homer Simpson.
How you been? Great.
Thanks.
Listen, settle a bet.
Behind that smile, you're dying, right? Behind this smile is a bigger smile trying to get out.
Oh! Oh! Here it comes! Oh, yeah! Please! You gotta have some secret agony! I bet those fancy shoes hurt your feet.
No.
Actually they're like two leather clouds.
Oh! Got them from a buddy of mine with a store in Shelbyville.
- You want his number? - No.
Yes.
Hey, Homer.
You want to try my new Vance Connorpolitan? Like Vance, it is smooth, cool, and oh so sophisticated.
I'll just stick with my beer.
Homer, why are you so down on Vance Connor? - He gave me one of his kidneys.
- Yeah, me, too.
Because when Vance beat me in that election, he ruined my life.
Why did you just exchange that look of guilt? (SIGHS) Lenny, I think it's time for us to come clean.
(SOFTLY) About how we give each other haircuts? No.
We'll take that secret to our graves.
I'm talking about You know.
(CLEARS THROAT) Right.
Listen, Homer.
Something weird happened back in high school.
Teenage Carl and I were walking down the hallway when You two.
I want you to take this box and bury it in the woods.
The true results of this election must never be known.
I tell you what.
We'll do it under one condition.
Our parents want us to go to college.
But with a bad enough recommendation from you, we can stay here and party.
Okay.
But screw this up and it's Carnegie Mellon University for the both of you! (BOTH GASP) So there's a chance I actually won.
I gotta dig up that ballot box! - Just let it go, Homer.
- AI Gore? Homer, I had a presidential election stolen from me.
But I moved on.
And I think you could say everything worked out all right.
Isn't that right, Alfred? (IN HIGH VOICE) "It sure is, Albert.
" (HOMER MUTTERING) Ballots stolen.
Real winner unknown.
What is the truth? I gotta know! - Lenny, wake up! - Finally you return my shovel! That's not why I'm here.
Get dressed! - California casual or business attire? - California casual.
(LENNY GULPS) (HOMER AND LENNY GRUNTING) - There it is! - The ballot box? No.
This is the box that tells us where the ballot box is.
(LENNY READING) What will this box reveal? And what will I use this box for afterwards? Mismatched nuts and bolts? Recipes? I may never know.
LISA: Vance Connor.
HOMER: D'oh! LISA: Homer Simpson.
HOMER: Woo-hoo! - Vance Connor.
- D'oh! - Homer Simpson.
- Woo-hoo! - Vance Connor.
- D'oh! - Homer Simpson.
- Woo-hoo! - Please stop doing that.
- "D'oh," or "woo-hoo"? Both.
Homer Simpson, Vance Connor, Fonzie, Homer Simpson.
And the winner is (GASPS) Homer Simpson.
Yes! I'm senior class president! I get a parking spot if the assistant principal isn't using it! (HOMER LAUGHING) Wait a second.
If I'd been class president like I was supposed to, I'd be the one with the big mansion, and the color TVs, and the hot wife! - Hey! - Marge, I still would be married to you, but you would just be hotter.
Ohhh! Dad, just 'cause you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would've been better.
That's exactly what it means! And Dondalinger took that life away from me! And the taking of a life is murder! And the punishment for murder is Well, it varies from state to state and by race, but I'm gonna find Dondalinger and tell him I know what he did last summer, (DONDALINGER CHUCKLES) That's the thing about you assistant principals.
You can drive the ball but you can't putt.
(ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute.
You're not in our foursome.
No other foursome would have me.
My legs gross people out.
HOMER: Dondalinger! Uh-oh.
Looks like one of my former students on a quest for truth.
Dondalinger, I should've been class president! But you stole the election from me! I can explain.
But are you sure we should talk in front of your son? Yes! I want him to know that if your life doesn't turn out the way you want, there's someone else to blame! (CHUCKLING) I already knew that, Dad.
I'm gonna blame you.
I respect your choice.
Now drive back to the clubhouse and order me a Tom Collins.
With a virgin Tom Collins for me? (SCOFFS) Virgin.
What are you? A girl? (BART LAUGHS) Now, Dondalinger, I want some answers.
Very well.
It's a fact, I didn't like you, Simpson.
Still don't.
You lie.
You love me.
Whatever complex emotions I feel, they're not why I did what I did.
There was another reason.
(JIVE TALKIN'PLAYING) Jive talkin' You're telling me lies Jive talkin' (CHUCKLES) Homer Simpson, what a loser! Hey, what if we got everyone to vote for him as a joke and he won? Then we could laugh at him all the way through high school and at every reunion! - Go, sports! - Go, sports! (BOTH GRUNTING) Hmm.
So you see, I disposed of the ballot box to spare your feelings.
You denied me my dream! So I'm angry! But you did it out of kindness, so I'm grateful.
I'm filled with respect and contempt for you.
I Why you Oh.
(HOMER GRUNTS ANGRILY) You are so I hate you! As principal, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of.
I would steal school chalk from my own chalkboard.
But I'm not sorry I rigged that election.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna sit under that tree and think of all the women I could've talked to but didn't.
Hmm.
The brown-haired girl gave me a look.
The red head in the park was reading a book.
The girl at the airport upgraded my car.
Tonight, I wonder just where you are.
Homie, you're barely eating.
Yeah.
I can actually see your hands.
They're not just a blur.
I don't feel much like eating.
I'll never know what would've happened if I had been class president.
LUIGl: (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) You could know if you dared.
Huh? Who said that? In the kitchen is a man from the old country who works for me.
He stirs the sauce.
They say if he stirs the sauce just right, he can also see what might have been! As a rational skeptic, I find that hard to believe.
Also as a vegetarian, I hope there's not meat in that sauce.
- Any other orders, Mussolini? - No.
That's it.
(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Watch the sauce.
You see what I see? - I see a hair.
- You see too much! Now watch the sauce of bubbling red.
- And see the life you could've led.
- Okay.
(COOK GRUNTING) COOK: Yes, I like to stir.
Your new senior class president is, (BOY LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Homer Simpson.
(ALL LAUGHING) - Our president's a real loser! - Yeah.
A loser like us! He proves you don't have to be popular to have everyone like you.
- (CHANTING) Homer! Homer! Homer! - BOTH: (CHANTING) Homer! Homer! ALL: Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer (ECHOING) I would've been a winner! Instead of some idiot spending his Saturday nights staring into a bowl of sauce! Why did fate do this to me? Ask the garlic bread.
Why? Why? Hey, everyone! The stupid fat man's talking to garlic bread! (COOK LAUGHING) Come on, stir! I must see more! Homie, please.
Nothing good will come of this.
Marge, unlike CPR, this is something I must know! Very well.
Now we must once more stare madly into the sauce.
Mr.
President, we need a class song, a class motto, and a class mascot! Color My World, "Disco Sucks," and Butthead the goat.
Mr.
President, do you approve of the bailout of the French Club? They're too big to fail.
Homer, do you have a date for the prom yet? Sorry.
The only girl I could ever want is right over there.
Debbie Pinson.
Hey, Debbie.
Want to go to prom with me? Well, I'm engaged to the quarterback, but yes! Forget it, Marge.
A girl like you could never land a Homer Simpson.
LISA: Aha! So Dad's life would actually have been worse because he wouldn't have gotten together with Mom, his one true love.
Just keep watching the sauce, girlie.
(BAND PLAYING SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) (HOMER SIGHS) I got the biggest lapels, the ruffliest shirt, and the most beautiful girl.
Thank you, Homer.
Debbie, I forgot I have an English paper due on Monday.
Would you read To Kill a Mockingbird for me? And if you could write down how Boo Radley fits into the southern gothic tradition, that would be great.
Nobody's ever asked me to use my head brain before.
(ALL CLAPPING) Homer Simpson, class president.
MARGE: Oh, my God! He's talking to me! A lot of great things have happened to me lately.
(CHUCKLES) But they're nothing compared to meeting you.
- May I have this dance? - Only if it lasts forever.
Homer Simpson! I was gonna let you get to fifth base! It would've been something you told your grandchildren about! Sorry, Debbie.
I hope you can find happiness without me.
(HOMER HUMMING) Who wants a cheerleader on the rebound? I do! Right.
I can hardly believe this is real.
Marge, the way I feel about you is as real and lasting as my hairline.
(EX CLAIMS) Who's that side of beef munching on our sister? I don't know.
But in this reality I am not gay.
Hubba hubba! HOMER: Sweet dreams.
Young man, you have the noble bearing of the Barbarian leader Vercingetorix.
Thank you, mysterious weirdo.
Tell me, what student government office do you hold? Secretary? Treasurer? Dare I say secretary-treasurer? I'm class president.
Hot dog! Say, how would you like to work for me? - Sir, we could start him off in Sector 7G.
- 7G? Let the Lennys and the Carls of the world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber.
Son, you'll be working in sector 6F! LISA: Aha! So Dad's life would've been the same! He would've married Mom and worked for Mr.
Burns.
It would've been a push.
- Can you keep her quiet? - Not even when she's snorkeling.
I was describing beautiful fish, Bart! (COOK SIGHS) (WHISTLING) How you doing, Dad? I can't complain.
And I never do.
Thanks for letting me live in your guesthouse.
Honey, I'm home! Where are the kids? You used protection.
We never had any.
Well, that's what's missing.
Our lives would be horrible without the kids.
Yes.
That must be it.
This is the best of all possible worlds! Blah-blah-blah.
I want to live in the sauce! If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce? (COOK SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SIGHS) - How long has he been there? - I don't know.
But he's algae-fying.
- Homie, please come inside? - Okay.
(HOMER SIGHS) - Dad, we need to have a talk.
- I get it.
You're all gonna try to convince me that my life is great just like it is, right? Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman! Come on! That millionaire playboy? He's too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the Wayne Foundation! Don't open this one again.
(WHISPERING) Why does he think Alfred's friends with Batman? Just stop! Dad, we think the sauce had it all wrong.
Look who thinks he's smarter than sauce.
Sweetheart, I think you'd feel better after we take a little walk.
HOMER: Why would you bring me here? It's like bringing Richard Nixon to the Watergate, or Kevin Costner to Waterworld.
Really? (GASPS) My own plaque! And one for Vice President Butthead! Cool! Is that why you brought me here, spirits? Yep.
In the future, people will look at this and they'll say, "Whoever he was, he must've mattered.
" I guess that would be nice.
Pardon me.
Can my son have his picture taken with you? Really? Sure.
Dad, do you think I could be elected class president? Well, we can't all be Homer Simpson, son.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, was there another plaque here before? Plaques come, plaques go.
Now let's get something to eat! - How about Italian? - God, no! I hear there's a Korean barbecue place where the beef spells out the date of your death.
Whoo! That sounds like fun!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer
The Simpsons s18e01 Episode Script
The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer
Otto, Bart won't give me a seat.
You know I can deal with your problem or I can rock out.
But I cannot do both.
We're an American band We're an American band We're comin' to your town We'll help you party down We're an American band Otto, help me.
Fu-u-u-u nk.
What am I hearing now? Nature? The ultimate bring-down.
Why was I born?! Don't worry, dude.
We'll hook you up with some tunes.
Old McDonald had a fart Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart And on his farthe had a fart.
Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.
That's not a song.
Real songs are about deals with the devil, far-off lands, and where you'd find smoke in relation to water.
Mister driver? One of my bus mates has purloined my French horn.
Why can't you talk like a dude? Oh, knock it off, Kearney.
Why are you still in this school anyway? We were in third grade together.
Stupid school doesn't know how to teach me.
The farts on the bus go round and round Oh, wow, this is about 90% less funny than you think it is.
W-wait the radio.
That'll drown 'em out.
Disco? Easy listening.
Country Western? World music? Urban smooth? Salsa fusion? Metallica? - Am I on drugs? - Yes, you are, but that really is Metallica.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a gumdrop parade on Foo-foo Island.
What's up, Metallica? Need a lift? We don't take rides from strangers.
I'm no stranger.
Remember this? Metallica ru-u-ules! Oh, yeah, Springfield Arena, 1997, Row XX, Seat 64.
I was about to quit the bande when I saw your lighter.
- You saved me that night.
- So what are you waiting for? Hop in.
Hop in what? Look at me, I'm Otto.
I'm a hundred years old, and I drive a school bus.
Oh, man.
Maybe me and Metallica can go splitsies on a cab.
Hey, loser, we got a ride from a real fan.
I used to sleep with Lars' grandmother.
Never listen to our music again.
Bye-bye, take care, watch your step, eat my shorts, have a good one.
She's all yours, dude.
Oh, and I think I ran over a moose.
This is for every bus driver, lunch lady, gym coach, hall monitor Otto.
Are you meting out corporal punishment? Can't talk now.
I'm spanking a child.
You are temporarily suspended from bus driving, with pay.
- No! - Hand in your beaded seat-cover.
And your gun.
I hope you're happy, Bart.
Thanks to your hijinks, I have to drive you and your friends to school.
Let me drive.
I go through yellow lights.
One more crack out of you, young man, and I'm showing everyone your baby pictures.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Carpool! I brought my own car seat.
Look.
Hey, Lisa, my safety bar matches your eyes.
Carpool, Nelson! Just a sec, I've got to finish my science project.
Whoa.
"Squirrels don't like rocks.
" Okay, just one more kid to pick up.
Ew, it's Michael.
That weird kid who never says anything.
He's so gross and stupid.
- Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Michael.
Hey, dork, you're sittin' on my shadow.
Sorry.
What, you're too good to sitn my shadow? Aw, I forgot my math book.
No problem, I'll just drive up to your house and get it.
Whoa.
Your mother must dance at the nicest strip club in town.
Michael, my son.
Here is your book, and never forget: the divisor goes into the dividend.
Yes, Papa.
That was Fat Tony.
Your dad's a mob boss? Please don't have me whacked.
I was just kidding around.
We were all having fun.
Wasn't it fun? Oh, fun is so fun.
There is no Mafia.
Columbus Day is better than Christmas.
He's Fat Tony's son! His daddy putted bullets in my daddy.
My daddy had to potty in a bag.
Ah, look at all this puke! Why did I come in on my day off? Oh, Fat Tony's lad! God bless you.
Oh, stop, stop! Who's the out-of-tune idiot on third clarinet? - That's me.
- I p-- you didn't let me finish! I from now on you're not third clarinet, you're first everything! Now if you excuse me, I'm brewing tea and I have to go jiggle my bags! - You're sitting with me? - I'm not afraid of you.
Well, you shouldn't be.
I'm not like my dad.
I understand.
I'm not like my dad either.
Oh.
There's a triple-A battery in my macaroni and cheese! It counts as a vegetable.
I can't eat this.
You know, I cook a little.
Maybe I can make you something.
All we need is some fresh ingredients.
Well, you're not going to find any here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in the bowl.
Dandelion greens, a sprig of wildill, fresh blackberry juice for dressing.
It's delicious! Are you just saying that 'cause you're afraid of my dad? No, it's great! Ooh! Except for the bee! It's good to see you laughing! You could make a great chef someday.
My dad wants me to go into the family business.
Which is, uh "waste management.
" We are going for a ride.
By which I mean the carpool.
Perhaps we will get yogurt.
Now who wants to sleep with the fishes? Because I broughtthis Finding Nemo bedspread.
The Calabresis! My archenemies in waste management! Milhouse, may I borrow your three-ring binder? "Garfield" or "Love Is?" Uh, I prefer the cat.
He hates Mondays.
We can all relate.
Not that bad.
Mom! I apologize for my tardiness.
I "ran into" some old acquaintances.
On the surface, that sounds perfectly pleasant.
Papa, can Lisa and her family come over for dinner? We'd love to! You know, I've never met your wife.
Sadly, my Anna Maria was whacked by natural causes.
Oh, you're a widower.
I bring flowers to her grave every Sunday.
Ooh, flowers every week! I wish I was dead.
Welcome to my home.
Must have cost a fortune.
Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials or labor or permits or land.
Your paintings have brush marks.
And your statues have wieners! Your words honor my family.
In the words of the old country: Mangiare, i miei amici! He's talkin' like the guy in Fat Albert.
Howba areba youba? Homer! Whyba youba doba thatba? Boss, the Calabresis are here for the sit-down.
The sit-down's tonight?! Again this Palm Pilot has failed to remind me.
I believe this needs to be hot-synced.
What are you doing? I thought you meant "hot-sync" it.
You know how it is with us-- everything means kill.
Sit-down item number one: your recent murderous overtures with regard to my person.
We meant no disrespect, Fat Tony.
We were simply trying to kill you.
When we saw you driving that carpool, we figured you'd gone soft, and were therefore whackable.
You'd be fools to kill me for my son, Michael, would take my place.
And wreak a terrible vengeance.
I made soufflÃ©s! I've tried to make those, but they always end up as brownies.
You said you meant to make brownies.
Any other lies? Oh, this must be what angels taste like! Oh, Michael, One bite of this soufflÃ© and your father will realize your gift deserves to flower.
Why can't you do anything? So, we are at peace once more.
Let us indulge in exaggerated displays of affection! This guy, I love him! Get over here! My brother, over here! You're my everything, over here! You color my world, over here! Over here, over here.
Papa, I brought you some dessert.
My God, this is like a lap dance for my taste buds! Ah, yeah! The flavor just drove my sweet tooth to a vacant lot and whacked it.
Hey, kid, what bakery did you boost these from? Well, actually, I made them.
Papa, I want to be a chef.
A chef, huh? Hey, look what we got here.
It's Chef Boy-ar-gay! What's he gonna do if we rub you out, serve our soup cold? Well, gazpacho is served cold.
So take that.
Hey, Tony, catch you later.
Your kid's got a bright future-- catering your funeral.
You know what I like? Those little baby hot dogs.
Do they small down big ones or do they make 'em different? Michael, you have made me appear weak in the eyes of my enemies.
Fat Tony, it's not important what other people think of you.
What matters is how you feel inside.
Papa! Your father's gonna be absolutely fine in about three months.
But for now, he can't talk, write or blink.
With Fat Tony doing the morphine mambo, the Calabresis are gonna try to put him down for a dirt nap.
Dirt nap, eh? Hmm Homer, our house is on fire! Help me save the children! Sorry, Marge, can't hear you! What am I gonna do now? Kid, the only way you're gonna live to grow shprazoot on your abonjoola is if you take your dad's place.
Let's go.
Hey, can we go by the Lexus place? I want to test drive that new hybrid.
You are a hybrid: half idiot, half moron.
Whoa! Where did that come from? Whoa! I don't know what to do.
This is all my daughter's fault.
But I'll make it up to you.
Bart and I will run your business till your dad's okay.
Well, what do you know about being a mob boss? Everything! And I learned it all from the greatest gangster film ever: Shark Tale.
- This guy in here owes us money.
- Leave him to me.
I hurt my fist and my palm.
I thought you guys were looking out for me.
All right, tap jockey, you owe Fat Tony 50 bucks.
Cough it up! Look, Mister, I don't got the cash.
My clientele They're all bums.
They never pay! Just get the money! Homer, the mob is putting the screws on me, see.
I ain't getting killed 'cause you won't pay your tab.
Now give me 50 bucks! Take it, take it! Just don't hurt me! Okay, pretty boy, where's Fat Tony's 50 bucks? Look, all-all I got is 25.
I swear! I swear! It'll do for now! Hey, hey, it's Fat Tony's crew! How's the big guy doing? I sent flowers, but you probably didn't get them.
You know florists.
Glug, glug.
Krusty, Fat Tony hasn't received his weekly payment for keeping McDonald's and Burger King out of town.
Well, I'm a little short this week.
Could I just pay you $5 to keep out Hardee's? Ow! My schnoz! My punim! My pupik! My genechtagazoink! Homer, where'd you get that truck? Uh, it-it fell off a truck.
Uh, you know, a truck-truck.
Where'd you get that? Eh, it fell off a truck-truck truck.
Homer, Helen Lovejoy never returned my casserole dish from the church potluck.
Could you pick it up? No problem.
I'll be back in ten minutes.
Hi-diddily-ho, mob-areenos! I, uh I got your, uh, phone bill in my mail by mistake, and, uh I-I'll just pay it.
Dad, you want I should plug him in the ankle? You monster! Just cut his Achilles tendon with this knife.
Bart, Mr.
Simpson, we are getting out of the mob business, right now.
But this is the only life I know! I'm sorry.
I just can't live with myself, seeing you this way.
- Can I still talk wh my hands? - I'm afraid not.
- What about with my ears? - No.
My friends, I surrender.
I'm handing over all my father's territory, in exchange for the safety of my family and the Simpsons.
Sorry.
We can only guarantee we won't hurt them.
Yeah.
You know, they've still got to eat right and exercise.
Walk the dog once in a while.
He's a furry little fitness machine.
Well said.
As for me, from now on, my only business is cooking.
You did the right thing, Mikey.
You weren't cut out to be a wise guy.
But you, you got a future in this business.
Call me.
Thanks, but I'm going into bootleg DVDs.
It's so great that Michael's doing what he loves.
And I can stop looking the other way from what my husband's doing.
Lady.
Man.
Lady.
Man.
Lady.
I want to be buried next to my wife, under that bridge in Jersey.
Someone poisoned these meatballs.
Homer? Hey, if I poisoned them, would I be doing this? This is a chef's worst nightmare.
I won't be using this recipe anymore.
Well done, my son.
In making peace with our enemies, you were able to take them down.
Perhaps you and I are not so different after all.
Papa, I'm just glad you're okay.
Now get some rest.
Why don't you tell him it was an accident? It was an accident, right? Michael? Don't ever ask me out my business, Lisa.
Michael?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Jazzy and the Pussycats
The Simpsons s18e02 Episode Script
Jazzy and the Pussycats
So, how did Malt Liquor Mommy die? Stop calling her that.
I'll tell you how she died.
You know that sign that says "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"? Yeah.
She overdosed right in front of it.
Oh.
Class all the way.
Marge, could you let it go? You won.
She's dead.
Mm-hmm.
We are here to mourn the tragic loss of Amber Pai Gow Simpson, a gifted cocktail waitress who hoped one day to learn computers.
Amber said she wouldn't let her eighth-grade education stop her from achieving her dreams And yet, it did.
Bart! Do you want to leave the funeral early?! Do you?! Yes.
Of course.
"You were Homer's wife "for a two-day spurt Your name was Amber, just like the alert" Bart, put that away! Thanks a lot.
I lost my place Um Ah, here it is.
"The end.
" Uh-oh.
Everyone relax, huh? I know the Heimlich.
I learned it a few years ago.
It was 1997, and Titanic was proving unsinkable at the box office Somebody do me! Whew! Your son is out of control! You've raised a savage beast! Yeah! Put a leash on him, lady! Oh First, let me assure you that Bart's antics are perfectly normal for a seven-year-old.
Actually, he's ten.
Oh, dear.
Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
Spare us your medical mumbo jumbo.
Just give us the pills.
Clear-cut his brain down to the nub Mr.
Simpson, it would be easy for me to pour drugs Thank you, Doctor.
Marge? But for Bart, I'm ing to prescribe a more unorthodox treatment.
Cymbals snare high hat tom-tom sticks, mallet and brushes.
This is a drum kit! Drumming demands energy and concentration, one of which Bart has, Homie, look.
He's enjoying it.
Whoa! Trippy! We started living in an old house My ma gave birth, and we were checking it out It was a baby boy so we bought him a toy Hey, kid, why don't you watch where you're drumming?! Sorry, White Stripes.
No hard feelings? Let's kick his ass! Oh! Why couldn't he give up this like he gives up everything else? I know! I'll use that white-noise machine I got you when your father died.
Transport yourself to the shores of Nova Scotia where cod and halibut frolic in! He's just drumming louder! So it's a noise war he wants, huh?! Then I'll throw in some rush-hour traffic! And a circus fire! Sleep tight, my angel! Oh What ?! Oh ! Oh! Let me know when and if you want sex, honey! Oh, he's gotta fall asleep sometime, doesn't he? You guys need a break Why don't I take Bart with me to the children's bebop brunch at Jazzy Goodtime's? Is it in a safe neighborhood? Just make it happen! Boy, get dressed! You're going to a jazz brunch as punishment for all the racket you're making! I thought you wanted me to drum.
I'm sending you mixed messages.
Now, get the hell outta here.
I love you so much.
Damn you! What it is, hepcats? You want me to scat-sing the menu? Absolutely not.
Oh, God bless you, sir.
Hey, Bart, you want to jam with me? Okay.
If you give me your omelet.
Whoo-hoo! I'm a professional musician! Not bad for a newbie, Bart! You just may be the second-best In case you're wondering who the best one it's me.
Ah! Crazy man, crazy! Oh, yeah! They're looking at me! All right, Lisa, time to show these jazz legends how we swing in the suburbs.
That's a wrap, kids.
Now go have some Jazzy Bread.
That's bread that fell on the floor.
Excuse me.
Are you Lisa Simpson? Yes, I am.
I'm, uh, Defonzo "Skinny" Palmer This is Marcus "Marbles" Le Marquez.
Pleased to meet you.
We were about to play a quick set, Yes ? Lisa Simpson Yes? would do us the honor Yes? of sitting in that chair in the audience.
We wanna jam with your brother.
Look! Bart's onstage.
And he's contributing to the entertainment! Yeah! I was jamming with Skinny Turner And they want me to join their trio! Woo-hoo! What's next? A contract with Groove-tone Records? Take the G-train, baby.
Groove-tone! Oh, I can't believe it.
Stupid brother 'Cause I've wanted to jam with jazz musicians all my life.
How would Bart like it if I just hopped on his skateboard and instantly became great? Ah whoa Mild! Mild! Mild! Mild! Mild! Lisa, you've got to be more careful.
I need you to teach me all about the world of juzz.
It's jazz! Jazz! You don't even know the name of the thing Bart, you're so steady on those skins, we're Oh-- I always wanted a jazz nickname.
Fine We'll call you, uh Downbeat.
'Cause you're bringin' us down.
That is the most unfair Downbeat, Downbeat, please.
We're shootin' the breeze with Tic Tock.
Oh, man, I am so juzzed.
Bart, a rising star like you needs a manager, and Gil's your guy! Oh, I'm a jazz daddy from way back.
With the skit-skat skittily boom-de-boom, and the ding-dong daddy Is that jazz? That's jazz, right? Cha-cha-cha with the curly fries.
Hey! Oh, son.
I like you more, now that other people like you.
It's mergatronic, Daddy-Ho.
Bart, does that even mean anything? Xavier Cugat! Bossie, the music business would chew you up and spit you out.
You just keep your eyes on the prize, girl.
Mom, I'm gonna lose it.
Bart's on the cover of both local jazz magazines: "Blowin'" and "The Sugar Sheet".
Here's the only thing I've been on the cover of.
Mm, look, uh, how 'bout we go to the pound, and get puppy just for you? That might work.
Oh, they're all so cute.
Yeah, you know what's even cuter? Picking one without talking to me.
Well, I kind of like this guy.
Oh, but this one is precious! Okay, this little guy's coming home with me.
Who's gonna get neutered tomorrow? You are! Oh, yes you are.
Lisa Simpson you doomed me.
I did? How? By choosing the cuter puppy.
You picked looks over personality, youth over experience, no history of rabies over unknown rabies status.
And now I'm going to die.
I never wanted that to happen! You suuuuuck! You suuuuuck! Ah, thanks, sweetie.
You suuuuuck! Well, if you want him, you can have him.
And if you get tired of him I won't get tired of him.
It's just too bad you can't take ol' Smiley here.
Yeah, he'll be in God's Dumpster tomorrow I'll take him, too.
And I'm gonna put ol' Henry here to sleep because he knows my darkest secret: I like putting animals to sleep.
I'll take him, too.
Yeah Lookin' back on the track for a little green bag Got to find just the kind or losin' my mind Out of sight in the night, out of sight in the day Lookin' back on the track, gonna do it my way Okay, guys.
No one knows you're here, so be quiet.
And if you get hungry, there are rats living in the Christmas decorations.
And then today at lunch, Lenny and I went to the park and rented a rowboat.
Carl sketched us from the bank.
Summer days What are those noises? They sounded zoological.
Shut up! I just said "shut up.
" I'll punish myself by going upstairs.
Bart! What are you doing here? Uh not smoking reefer.
Uh, that's right.
We all not smoking reefer.
No, Buttercup! No! My arm! It hurts where Bart, that was a nasty bite you got.
You'll recover but you'll never drum again.
Says you.
I was a great drummer, and now I'm nothing, just like Phil Collins.
I feel so terrible.
I just wanted to save those animals while Bart became a drummer, but I never thought the two stories would intersect.
And what about my new job as a Mexican wrestler? Beware of Taco Belly.
Whoo! Eat your heart No mas! No mas! Uh, yes, I would like a bird because I'm often Birds help.
See, Lisa.
We're making progress.
Drop the marsupial! If those animals aren't gone by midnight tomorrow, Animal Control is gonna round 'em all up.
And kill 'em.
Can I, uh, can I borrow that ostrich? Sure.
How cool is this? I guess that's it.
These animals are all gonna die.
Not if I can help it, Lisa.
Do you have an idea? Uh, no.
Sorry if it sounded like I did.
Hey, guys, great news.
I can drum again.
Sorry, Tic Tock.
Your tick is on but your tock is gone.
Well, I've got a confession to make.
This right arm it's not mine.
Whose is it? I don't know.
Tic Tock, maybe you could get yourself some of that sweet, sweet what do you call it? Arthroscopic micro-surgery Yeah, that's the jingle.
The doctor did say surgery might help, but it costs $78,000.
Well, I bet we could raise it Huh? Huh? Outta sight! In the pocket! Groovay, groovay! Now, you boys know you don't have to put something like that together.
Somethin' like what together? A benefit concert! Benefit concert!? Outta sight! In the pocket! Groovay, groovay! Oh, this benefit concert is gonna be Scooby Dooby.
I'm very happy for you, Bart.
Why are you sad? Thinking about your marriage? If we can't find a home for those animals, they'll be put to sleep.
Your sister's very upset.
Oh I feel weird.
It's like a potato chip full of shame, going down my throat sideways.
Honey, what you're feeling is called "empathy.
" Oh now I'm gonna learn a new word.
"Empathy" means you're looking at Lisa and feeling what she feels.
Your sister poured her heart into rescuing those animals to forget the pain of being upstaged in jazz, and now How can I end this torture?! You could do something nice for Lisa.
You're my mother.
How can you say that? superstars on the way, folks! Hey, hey! We got more jazz Gooey Martin, Willie Mimms, Drop Jaws Turner, Sketch Friendly, Tootsie Childs, Sammy Biltmore, No-Talent Jones, Anwar Benitez, Bossy Marmalade, Bad-Check Mazursky, Ray-Ray Takamura, Shaky Premise, Bootsy Croutonne, Richard Sakai, The Pre-Marital Sextet, C.
S.
I.
Miami, D.
W.
Jitters The Chubb Group, Cantaloupe St.
Pierre and many, many, more funny names! And it's all to fix this very talented arm.
Ow! Oh, right, the nerve damage.
Here's the benefit money, Now I'm gonna go vomit to keep my weight down.
That's right.
That's how Krusty does it.
I wanna thank everyone for this special night.
Jazz folk may have the smallest apartments, but they also have the biggest hearts.
But the biggest heart I know is in my sister Lisa.
What about me Tootsie Childs? Lis, you pou
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times
The Simpsons s18e11 Episode Script
Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times
The Simpsons 18x11 (JABF05) Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Three Times Nothing beats taking a family drive with our new satellite radio.
Which of the 25 easy-listening stations should we listen to? I say "Cool Waves.
" "Neon Breeze!" "Chill Thunder!" "Chill Thunder!" You're all idiots.
I'm putting it on "Chill Thunder Lite.
" Oh, now that's smooth.
Out of my way, you seat belt-wearin' cowards! Hey! Nobody cuts me off! Homer, no! Revenge never solves anything.
Then what's America doing in Iraq? Well, let me tell you a story about a time revenge brought only unhappiness and misery.
It happened many years ago in Paris.
Texas? No, France.
There was a happy young family.
Papa, may we have chocolat? Papa, may we have petit fours? May we? May we? Mais oui! Oh, mon cher, I am the luckiest wife in the entire Let us kiss with the tongues.
I hate that Homer jerk with his beautiful wife and loving family, when all I got is this doorway.
Well, enjoy your sensual tongue-play while you can 'cause I've got a plan to take everything you got! Monsieur Simpson.
You're under arrest for treason.
Treason? But I love France.
The way all our words are either a girl or a guy.
Oh, that's the best.
Tell it to le baton! I don't want the kids to see me this way.
Don't worry! They're still drunk from school.
Uh deux trois.
Listen to this letter he wrote.
"Dear England, "how I love your moors and heaths.
"For you, I'd do whatever it takes, especially treason.
" I didn't write that! Even if I did love England, I'd play it cool.
Wait for it to come to me.
I sentence you to life.
You moron! I'm already alive.
In prison.
I'm gonna stop now.
I shouldn't be here.
I was framed.
You think you got problems? The man in the iron mask over there is the rightful King of France.
Hey, wait, did you guys hear that? He just admitted it.
Guys? Oh, man, this place is so unfair.
Are you going to torture me? We can't tell you.
Not knowing is the worst torture of all.
Well, that and the rat helmet.
Now get some sleep.
You've got a 9:00 a.
m.
rat helmet.
Oh, 9:00 a.
m.
I swear revenge on Meaux! Even if it takes me the rest of my life! Can you loosen my arms so I can shake my fists? You're the traitor.
Revenge! Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, little mouse.
You are the only thing that keeps me sane.
Now I have nothing.
Perhaps I may be of help.
Where did you come from? I'm your cell mate.
You never noticed me because frankly, you're extremely self-centered.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening.
I was checking out my reflection in this yellow water.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, looking good.
Young man, I have the answer to your problems.
I spent 30 years digging this tunnel, but now I can't use it.
I'm simply too old.
And decrepit.
But you can escape and use this map to retrieve my buried treasure.
With it you can have your revenge.
Ooh, the-the! But why are you helping me? Well, because before my wretched life comes to a close, I want to know that I had one friend.
Also, because while you slept, I violated you repeatedly.
So this map leads to a treasure, huh? I wonder how long this tunnel iiiiiiiis! D'oh! Damn it! How's it going? D'oh! Uh-huh.
Hmm.
Mon Dieu! Whoo-hoo-hee! Ew! Silver.
Ooh, a penny.
This is my lucky day! FrÃ¨re Jacques, FrÃ¨re Jacques Dormez-vous, dormez-vous Oh, I love today's music.
FrÃ¨re this, and Jacques that.
Out of sight.
"The Count of Monte Cristo invites you to a formal gala.
" Ooh, the Count of Monte Cristo! Can we go? We haven't been to any parties since that soirie at the Bastille.
Ah summer nights.
When will we meet the count? Do you think he'll like us? I've heard rumors he's mysterious.
Madame, you have the shapely, hairless knuckles of a queen.
Oh.
Well.
Monsieur Meaux, I would be honored if you would be the first to enjoy the evening's entertainment.
Here it is: the harmless chair of relaxation.
I heard about these things.
They're good for doing the wife, right? Oh! Little do you know that the Count of Monte Cristo is in fact an old acquaintance of yours.
Ma? I have returned! I don't get it.
Oh, hold on.
It's him! Monsieur Simpson! Homer, you're back! Oui, oui! And I have spent the last five years plotting the most exquisite revenge! Okay, lesson learned.
Friends again? Crjpes? Suzette! Homer? Yes, my love? You killed my husband.
No! Papa Meaux! Papa Meaux! You guys liked him? We were together for five years.
Now who's going to take care of the triplets? But Marge, I did it all for you.
For me, huh? What took you so long? It takes time to make a revenge machine this awesome.
Plus, in the middle, I had to take revenge on some of my contractors.
You spent so much time plotting your revenge, you lost everything that really mattered.
Come on, kids.
So you see, Homer, revenge only leads to misery.
Weren't you listening? I just told you a whole story about revenge.
Oh right.
Revenge! I'm gonna get my revenge, and if I get caught, I'm pinning it on the baby like the time I shot Mr.
Burns.
Dad, wait.
I've got a story about why revenge is wrong.
Is it The Count of Monte Cristo? 'Cause I love that story.
No.
I call it Revenge of the Geeks.
I'm so sick of those bullies.
We got to figure out some way to stop 'em.
Perhaps we could tell the principal.
Tell me what? Behold the Get-back-inator.
We're gonna beat those bullies with a glove? This is far more than a mere glove.
This is the turning point in the eternal battle of brain v.
brawn.
All it requires is a small amount of coordination.
I can handle the glove.
I took juggling at camp.
Good morning, dinguses.
What are you doing, touching each other's butts? Oh, you are so dead you're alive.
What is this place? Ah, what a pleasant surprise.
It seems that now the shoe is on the other Revenge! My fun bags! Please, have mercy! I always thought you were the coolest dork.
Stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
Why are you hitting yourself? Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy.
Except the ones with asthma, which is all of them.
But still, it's great.
Yup, having a weapon at school has really made things awesome.
Pardon my birdie.
I misjudged the prevailing winds.
You embarrassed me in front of Lisa! Milhouse, what's gotten into you? Over the years, a lot of people have hurt me.
Good thing I kept this list.
Oh, no, you've already got your revenge! You wouldn't give me Chinese cuts in the lunch line.
You laughed when I threw up on the glass-blowing tour.
Girls like you better.
Your parents are married! Ay caramba! That's the only line I get in your stupid story?! There are no small parts, just small actors.
This is my first day at this school.
I haven't done anything to you! You will.
This is prevenge.
Why, look, it's Milhouse.
What's the power glove for? Opening the cup on your weirdo pills? Willie, clean up this mess.
All right.
Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge.
You'll learn to love it when you're my queen.
I see.
While it would be an honor to be your queen Go on.
I feel it would be best if we just stay friends.
Nobody spares my feelings! I can't do it.
I can't hurt you, Lisa.
You forgot about me 'cause I had the mumps.
That had what I really like in a story: an ending.
The point, Dad, is that when you take revenge, you become just as bad as the person you harm.
No, sweetie, the lesson is: never put down your weapon.
Revenge! Look at that view.
It reminds me of how insignificant we are in the world.
Yeehaw! This is it.
It's taken all day.
We've missed our flight to Hawaii, but finally I'll get my revenge.
Dad, wait! - You haven't heard my story.
- You? You're too dumb to tell a story.
No, seriously, you're great.
Let's hear it.
Oh, geez.
My story takes place in a time I call the past.
That stunk worse than boiled cabbage.
You should feel lucky.
Not many boys have parents who can afford to take them to the opera every night.
Parents who are still alive, I might add.
Hmm, well, this alley looks dangerous.
I better turn my ring around.
Oh, boy.
Hand over your wallet.
You don't frighten me! Or my wife! - Or my - Shut up.
Avenge me.
In flamboyant, impractical fashion.
I want to avenge you, but I don't know how.
- With my help.
- Grandpa? In my younger days, I was an ace crime fighter.
The "Crimson Cockatoo.
" Now let's get you in shape in an old-timey way.
Holy Hannah! I've got more muscles than a New England clam bank.
Now all I need is a superhero name.
You can be the Crimson Cockaboy.
- Hmm? - I'll keep thinking.
Help! Somebody help! That thief stole all my Heralds, Tribunes, and Herald-Tribunes.
-A k-k-k-kid! - I'm Bart-Man.
Thank you, masked vigilante.
Your overzealous homicide has saved me 80 cents.
Now, if you're not going to buy anything, please move along.
Tonight, the Springfield I mean Gotham underworld is trembling while solid citizens sleep snug as a bug.
Why? Because Bart-Man is knocking down bad guys like Howard Hughes knocks up young starlets! Bad guys like The Toker The Diddler Mr.
Mole Sugar and Spice.
And Poison Lenny.
No snake tattoo.
When will I find the man who murdered my parents? W hen? Attention, Bart-Man.
This is The Serpent, saying "fangs a lot" for getting rid of the competish.
More stuff for me to steal! No villain is safe from me, Serpent! But I'm not a villain.
I'm a transvestite.
Explain that to your maker.
I'll take it from here, Bart-Man.
No sign of the Serpent, Chief.
Everything's work with you.
Lighten up.
That music-- it's so hypnotic.
My bone has a mind of its own.
I'll be snaking those jewels and venom gonna go.
Sorry I didn't asp your permission.
Hope that's cobracetic.
Hey, jerk, puns are lazy writing.
D'oh! Party's over, Serpent! No kidding because you're standing in the dip.
You! You're the man who killed my parents! I did it.
I finally got my revenge.
But it didn't bring your parents back.
Tell me, big boy, was it really worth it? Well, I do feel a little better.
Plus, I got zillions of dollars and no parents to tell me what to do.
Bart-Man, don't you want to join us? Don't talk to me when I'm vibrating.
So you see, revenge is great, and there's three ways to talk about it.
Although two of the ways were kind of the same way, and even the third one might have worked better as a Halloween story.
That's okay, boy.
The two of us got to talking.
Yeah, turns out we have a lot in common.
We're both from Connecticut.
Look at all them stars.
How many do you think there are? - Two.
- What the Two? You think there are two Well, I never.
How could you? Why do you think it is that mankind is so inclined towards hating one another? I don't know.
Let's just lay here till we figure it out.
Traduction : Rassman, Gornack
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Little Big Girl
The Simpsons s18e12 Episode Script
Little Big Girl
The Simpsons 18x012 (JABF04) - Little Big Girl - Hmm.
What's the matter, sweetie? Tomorrow's Multicultural Day at school.
Now what do they want? I've got tgive a presentation about our family's heritage, but ours is so boring.
Yep.
The Simpsons have never married, or even shook hands, with anyone interesting.
In a world of 31 flavors, we're the cup of water they rinse the scoops in.
Grampa out.
Aw, Grampa.
We should take lots of pictures of him while we still can.
Camera's broken! Hey, Lis, check it out.
With some clever scissor work, I can make the Lake Land Butter Indian maiden show me her boobs.
Clean, dirty.
Clean, dirty.
Clean, dirty.
Bart, stop that! Native Americans are a proud people with a noble heritage.
A noble heritage that anyone can claim.
Cool! Look what Snap's doing to Pop while Crackle watches! "My great-great-great- great great-grandmother "was a Native American.
She was a member of the" "Hitachee tribe.
" Wait.
Is it wrong for me to appropriate the culture of a long-suffering people? I'll tell you what's wrong: You getting a "C" on this project and winding up at a third-rate college.
Lisa, the world needs you to go to Wellesley! You're right.
I'll just need to find traditional garb.
And so, my proud people were nearly destroyed by the warfare, disease, and greed of the invading Europeans.
I didn't come here to be insulted.
Guten tag! Today, the Hitachees have dwindled to a handful, and our detailed genealogical records were cruelly destroyed by the white man.
So, any to research my tribe would be the ultimate insult.
Splendid, Lisa.
By far, the best presentation of the day.
I'm still proud of what I am.
And you should be.
The city's Multicultural Council has invited one lucky student to perform at City Hall.
Lisa, you'll be representing us and the noble Hitachee people.
Oh great! I'd love to.
Mm-hmm.
Why did I have to lie about my heritage? By speaking with forked tongue, I am in heap big trouble.
And now I'm thinking in stereotypes! That's even worse! Must be the war cry of her tribe.
Probably.
Now, get me some coffee.
Daddy, I got me a C-minus on my Multicultural project.
A C-minus, huh? Well, let's celebrate.
Hey, Brandine, empty out the tub! We's makin' rum! Can't use the tub! I'm drownin' rats in it! Still?! Are you drownin' 'em or makin' love to 'em? Oh! Mr.
Burns, help me! Why? You're not helping me.
But, sir, I'm flaming! My God, Willie, that fire is headed right for the tetherball pole.
Put it out! I cannot! All the extinguiers are gone! Then I'm afraid these Wet Ones will have to do the job.
Gah! These are drier than a Charles Grodin quip.
What monster, or pair of monsters, would steal our extinguishers? If this works, I'll go faster than any ten-year-old has ever gone.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The flames are heading straight for the Flammable District! That's where our mom works! My last words are "Lisa sucks!" That boy is a hero! Let's get hoisted! Bart! Bart! Bart! Young man, to show our gratitude, the city of Springfield will grant you one wish.
Really? Hmm.
That's it! I want a license! To kill? No.
To drive.
Suit yourself.
Do you wish to be an organ donor? No way! I don't want my guts touching some sick guy.
Well, you make a good point Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I agree.
Oh, this is a bad time for me to have massive organ failure Where do you think you're going? Oh, I can't believe this day is already here.
Me taking you for your first driving lesson.
Hey! That jerk cut us off.
Pull alongside.
Eat Marshall Tucker, idiot! Homer? Is that you? Floor it! So long suckers.
The Hitachees invented women's lacrosse soft luggage And that thing where you're walking and someone's walking towards you and you each try to step aside but you both go the same way and you do it again and again until one of you justots around? They had seven names for that.
Whoa, you just blew my mind! Uh, thank you and good night.
Yay! Show's over.
Let's go.
What's your hurry? Well, some of my report um wasn't thoroughly fact-checked.
My little girl's just like CBS News.
Lisa, it was wonderful! I am such a proud Hitachee mother.
Lisa, hi, my name is John Squawking Bear.
I'm a reporter for The Chippewa Bugle.
I happen to have today's.
You know, uh, I thought I knew all the lost tribes.
I've never heard of the Hitachee.
Yes, we're among the lostest.
Uh-huh.
Where were you centered? Centered.
Centered You know where the four states come together? Oh, quite well.
Not there.
Not even close.
In the name of the Great Turtle, will you answer the question? We were south west of North Dakota-lahoma.
Hmm.
Very good.
Well, I better get to my office before my boss, Screaming Editor, gets mad.
I kid, but he's a real jerk.
Hey, guys.
See you in a bit.
I entered a thousand-mile Baja Road race.
Hold on there, boy.
If you wanna keep using that car, you'd better start pullin' your weight.
This cell phone is so I can call you whenever I need your driving services.
I put in my own ringtone! Hello, Bart? Now, listen.
I need you to go the gas station.
Tell them you need to inflate your tires, but actually you inflate these volleyballs.
Then, throw them over the wall of the prison to create chaos and confusion.
H-Hello? Bart! Buddy! It's your dad! I need a ride.
I think I'm in Chinatown.
Not our Chinatown.
Slow down! You're too close to that car.
Your hands should be at ten and two, not three and nothing! You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your "Indian heritage.
" I'll be good.
Oh, man.
What now? Boy, I don't want to freak you out, but I'm calling from inside the trunk.
That was me.
Some very un-cool people put me in here.
This sucks.
I can't do anything fun 'cause I'm doing so many stupid errands.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Ah! It's dark in here! Oh, I gotta get outta this town for a while.
Time to put the pedal to the metal.
Ooh, North Haverbrook.
The very name conjures up romance and intrigue.
Wow, a mint condition Hippie Hulk from 1968! Tune in, turn on, Hulk out! Oh, man, this town's got everything! Hey, hey, LBJ, how many pants you rip today? Gonna rock around the clock tonight Gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight.
Any of you ladie like stereo music? I do.
You look kinda young.
Yeah.
I have that disease that makes you look like an old man, but they gave me medicine for it and I took too much.
That's cool.
I'm Darcy.
I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? Oh, right.
Darcy.
Bart! This is a matter of life and death.
What is the difference between ketchup and catsup? They're gonna cut my head off Kyle, are you sure we should be making out in this abandoned sawmill? Lighten up, baby.
There hasn't been a murder here in ten years.
Ten years tonight.
It's the kid we locked in the cemetery in the first grade! Hey, what are you gonna do with that chainsaw, dork? I really like you, Bart.
That is such a girl thing to say.
So, Doctor, was it all a dream.
Bart, let's get married.
- What?! - Why not? We've made out.
It's not right to make out with somebody if you have no intention of marrying them.
I mean, you're not a jerk, right? - No, I'm not, but - Then it's settled.
Oh, man, I must be the first guy who was ever pressured into marriage.
Look, Darcy, I like you.
I really do.
It's just - I'm only ten years old.
- Wha?! I'm really sorry.
Bart, I've been keeping a secret from you, too.
I'm pregnant - I'm going to be a father?! - What?! No! You couldn't be the father.
We never got close to that.
Really? We didn't? But we kissed and held hands at the same time.
Wow, you really are ten.
I thought you were just kind of stupid.
I'm ten and stupid.
Look, if I'm not the father, then who is? A Norwegian exchange student.
He's long gone, back to Norwegia.
I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad.
I'm very religious that way.
How religious can you be if you're pregnant? Good answer.
Marrying you was my only hope.
When my parents find out, they're gonna kill me.
Look, Darcy, maybe there's still a way we can get married.
How? You're just a kid! Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but there is a state where the marriage laws are a little looser.
- Utah.
- Utah? Home of America's most powerful weirdos? Our lives could be so wonderful there.
Oh, Bart.
You are an extreme husband and an extreme father.
Awesome! The people of my tribe lived in harmony with the land.
Eating mock buffalo steaks made from peaceful turnip roots, uh, they Environment uh, dignity Corn god I'm sorry, I can't do this! I made it all ! There is no Hitachee tribe.
I took the name from my microwave.
But surely you can forgive a little girl who Wait, wait.
Although she is not one of our people, this young lady has shown the courage we Native Americans cherish.
And who can blame her for wanting to be one of us? We have a noble heritage and cheekbones to die for.
I'm not Native American, either.
I just ski a lot.
- I'm Japanese.
- Well, I'm an Aborigine.
I'm two midgets in a costume.
What? Not you, Fibbing Bear?! You know, my great-great grandmother was an Indian.
I guess I should've mentioned that before, huh? Yes, you should have! Bart, sweetie.
I need some strawberries.
I bet they sell them in Utah.
Bart, I need some strawberries.
Right now.
- We're in the middle of the desert.
- I need strawberries! Take my wife please.
Hey, I finally get that joke.
I just found this note in Bart's room.
"Dear Mom and Dad, me and my girlfriend Darcy have gone to Utah to get married.
FYI: she's pregnant.
" Simpson men get the job done.
It's a tragedy, a real tragedy.
I mean, what kind of tramp gets knocked up before she's even married? I did.
I mean in this day and age, when the link between sex and pregnancy has been proven so conclusively in Scientific American, where Okay, we can trace where the kids are by the charges they made on your card.
In Colorado, they charged $200 worth of bubble gum.
Actually, that was me.
"Dingle's Berries" in Provo, Utah? Why would I go to Utah? I love booze, caffeine and monogamy.
Then that must be it.
Our daughter says she's run off with your son.
- Did she mention she was knocked up? - No! Oops! Sorry for the spoiler.
So how many brides will you be marrying today, Mr.
Simpson? - Just one.
- What are you, gay? Stop the wedding! Bart, you're too young to get married.
You still make me check the closet for the boogeyman.
Well, maybe I found someone else to do it for me.
Someone who will do a more thorough job.
I don't care how young he is, he took advantage of a girl five years older than him.
Utah karate! Dad, lay off the Bartman.
He's not the father.
I just wanted to marry him, so you and Mom wouldn't be ashamed of me.
Ashamed? I'm thrilled because I'm gonna have a baby, too! We can lie to the neighbors and tell them they're twins.
Awesome idea, Dad.
I guess this is the end for us, Bart.
Thanks for everything.
Darcy, in 50 years, you might see me walking down the street and you'll wonder, "Is that Bart?" And I'll go and you'll know.
You know, I thought Darcy and I would be like a real married couple.
Instead we just ended up fighting all the time.
Yeah, how 'bout that? You know, for a while, I was kind of looking forward to being a dad.
Son, one day you're going to be a great father.
- And someday you'll be one, too.
- Thanks, boy.
Hey, for old time's sake, you want to drive me around while I sing public domain songs out the window? You got it.
Twinkle, twinkle Little star How I wonder what you are
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Springfield Up
The Simpsons s18e13 Episode Script
Springfield Up
The Simpsons 18x13 (JABF07) - Springfield Up - Oh, hello.
I'm documentary filmmaker Declan Desmond.
of Springfield schoolchildren.
These children ran the gamut of society: rich and poor, black and white, "he'll grow into his looks" and "forever hideous.
" My dad was a circus freak, but my mom don't remember which one.
I like to think it was a little bit of all of them.
Every eight years, I revisited those children, creating a cinematic chronicle of their lives.
Join me, won't you, to see dreams dissolve like a muffin in the rain in "Growing up Springfield".
What does the future hold for these children? Will he grow up to work in a robot factory? Will she be the receptionist for a robot businessman? And will he be a crusader for robo-sexual rights? I say, "yes," "no," and "yes.
" Whee! So, Lenny, what have we here? My daddy said I can have any birthday party I want.
My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur and all the guests will say, "Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!" Then, "Yes," I'll say.
I decided not to waste any more film on him after that.
I wish for world peace.
I wish for world war.
Oh, yeah, that would be cooler.
I wish when I grow up, I'll be richer than everybody! I will! I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball! But what became of these wide-eyed naives? Let's begin by following the life of little Clancy Wiggum.
Bang-bang! Bang! Freeze, robber, freeze! Bang, bang, bang! It hurts! It hurts so bad! Please, just put one in my brain! Okay.
- Uh, bang.
- Thank you.
As hall monitor, I am the law.
No running in the hall.
No running in the hall.
Ah, no running in the hall.
Hey, detention bird! Thanks for not running in the hall.
Go, Wildcats.
At 24, Clancy Wiggum was accepted into the police academy.
Hmm Wiggum! What did I tell you about pointsy-towardsies?! You seem a little cranky, Commandant.
A back rub'll set you right.
There we go.
Woouh Ooh okay.
Don't be afraid to dig in there good! Hey, what's the matter, buddy? Need a backrub? At 32, Officer Wiggum had found the fast track to becoming chief.
Oh, yeah, oh, that's the stuff.
Thanks for giving me an 8:30 appointment.
You are a lifesaver.
You know, if I was Chief, I could give you 8:30 every day.
I don't have the authority to Oh oh I'll make it happen.
And here we are in now-times.
As you can see, I've gotten everything I've ever wanted.
Except pants that fit.
I told you that if I let you in this movie you couldn't make fun of me.
I'm not making fun of you.
I'm making fun of your pants.
Well, how'd you like it if I made fun of your pants? Go ahead.
Well, they're a little, uh They-they, uh Oh, they're perfect.
When I grow up, I'll have a giant mansion, my own pinball machine with infinity quarters, eight pairs of peanut butter and jelly pajamas How many wishes do I have left? None.
You never had any.
I'm not a genie.
D'oh! Homer, your dreams will take a lot of money.
Don't look at me.
Look at the camera.
Got it.
I said, look at the camera.
No problem.
Now you're looking at a mud puddle.
That's your hand.
That's the production accountant.
That's your other hand.
Do you even know what a camera is? Well, of cour No.
I'm gonna put this squeaky toy on top of the camera.
Squeaky! Squeaky! Squeaky, squeaky! Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky! Unsurprisingly, by age 24, Homer's dreams of wealth had not come to fruition.
Manure for sale! Get your manure! Loamiest in town! Hey, the manure dealership is just one of the things I got going.
I also have a sweet gig as an infomercial question-asker.
Um, I know Super Clean cleans, but does it scrub? My garage band is getting so tight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah The album cover's gonna be a naked girl with stars for boobs.
And I do open-casket caricatures.
Did he have any hobbies? Get out of here! But Homer had found a peanut of hope in his Cracker Jack box of despair.
Homer is so amazing! He can chug a beer and pitch woo at the same time.
The light from your eyes could guide a ship at sea.
Eh? Are you two considering children? Kids? No way! You'll never see a couple of rugrats tying me down! You better not put this shot after the one where I said I won't have kids.
That would be a devastating edit.
Homer, your life is nothing to be ashamed of.
You've got a loving family and a steady job at a nuclear power plant.
You're not English Breakfast, but you're not Lapsang Soochong either.
Oh, yeah? Check with me in eight years, Dr.
Who.
I'll be kickin' your ass with a solid gold boot! Hmm what's changed for me since the last time I saw you? Only everything! I can't believe it! Homer Simpson a bloody millionaire?! Why do you sound so shocked? This is our fifth take.
Whee! Now that I'm super-wealthy, I can buy them whatever their hearts desire.
That's why rich kids turn out so well.
- Mine has a cup holder.
- Bart, that's a blowhole.
You're a blowhole! No, boy.
Up, up, up! Well, Marge, you must be proud of your "Homie.
" Oh, yes, I'm so proud, I feel my chest might burst.
Can you edit that? I don't want to say "chest" in a movie.
You said it and it stays.
But I must know How did Homer come so far in eight short years? This pays a lot better than you think.
We pay him in limes.
That's right, limes.
You see, Declan, I made my millions with a simple invention: the Condiment Pen! Just click the buttons at the top, and you can choose from ketchup, mustard, mayo and relish.
Do, do, do, do, do-do-do.
I got the idea from the regular pen.
Can I use it on fish and chips? I don't know.
You can put horseradish on your dead mother for all I care.
The point is: I'm rich, rich, rich! I guess there's no way I can embarrass you any further.
Just look! My dog has his own Jacuzzi! He loves it! You win, Homer.
I guess there's no way I can embarrass you any further.
Barely Literate, smells Like Feet When I, um, grow up, I'm gonna be a rocket scientist! To Mars! Zoom.
Zoom.
Ah, bullies approaching.
Activate cloaking device.
Professor Frink, you've become one of Springfield's most renowned scientific minds.
You discovered and cured Frink's disease, created the element Frinkonium, and invented the eight-month-after pill.
Yes, yes, all right.
All of that means nothing, sir.
I've spent my whole life in the lab and never talked to a girl.
That's why I built this time machine.
I give you the chrono-trike! Now, I'll go back in time to tell myself to choose a different career, one where I'll meet a female woman of the girl-u-lar variety.
Have to get the speed going here.
Listen to me, little Frink.
I am here to warn you That was Hey, I'm still going, but Hey cool! I want to be a lawyer and a doctor because a woman can do anything.
At 24, Eleanor had graduated from Harvard Medical and Yale Law.
Your Honor, I'd like to request a continuance so I can go deliver a baby.
I love babies.
I'll allow it.
I'm a little burnt-out.
So, sometimes don't shoot me I have a glass of wine with Buster here.
He's a real comfort.
I might even get a second cat.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Nice kitty.
I like taking pictures.
Whee! Take my picture.
Take my picture.
Aw, crap, my first kiss.
You could do a lot worse, my friend.
At age 16, Marge was the star photographer for her school newspaper.
CHEERLEADER FLUNG INTO NEXT COUNTY BOY BRINGS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE TYPING CLASS TRAGEDY But her interests soon expanded beyond shutterbuggery.
The biggest change for me over the last eight years? That's got to be Homer.
Marge, baby! I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest.
They had a sale on skulls.
At 24, Marge's photojournalistic dreams were, shall we say, underdeveloped? I need one wallet-sized photo for my captain's license.
Coming right up.
Mind if I turn on a little music? It's so danceable.
Nautical Stu loves disco music.
And the world welcomed Disco Stu.
I need a full-time job to support Homer so he has time to work on his rock music, his erotic etchings, his Play-Doh Theater And yet look how things turned out.
This overnight affluence must have come as a tremendous shock.
Oh, yes, sir.
As shocks go, this one's a real zaparoo.
Listen, something's been piquing my curiosity.
Why is your medicine cabinet full of old man ointments? Oh mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, the ointments, um What are you people doing in my summer home? This is Eduardo, my pool boy.
He thinks he's an angry, rich man.
I am an angry, rich man.
That's the pool chemicals talking.
Homer J.
Simpson, your fabulous millionaire lifestyle is all a lie.
Oh, Father, my pony Buttercup can jump ever so high Hoo-boy, it's Mr.
Burns.
Please, Mr.
Burns, pretend you work for me.
You can have the boy.
Just don't beat him.
You can beat him.
Just don't leave marks.
Shut up, you waste of skin and fat.
You've desecrated my every possession.
Oh, thank you, sir.
For three days I've had nothing to read but clock-setting instructions "Using the suspension spring above the pendulum leader, hang the pendulum on the pendulum guide" Mr.
Burns, we're so sorry.
The plan was just to use your backyard, and the next thing we know, Mr.
Smithers is tied up in a grandfather clock.
Please get me out of here.
It's 11:59:59.
I've heard enough.
Release the hounds.
Uh, sir, your hounds are still at the winter house.
Well, bring them over in the Durango.
Shadow and Winston have been fighting a lot.
Put Winston in the front.
Winston doesn't like the front.
Just do it.
Do it.
Do it now! and that's how I got the vending machine contract for the Kremlin.
Sorry, sir.
Traffic was a nightmare.
Then I got caught in some kind of garlic festival.
Release the hounds.
Stop it, Winston! In the wake of this deception, I had two questions for Homer "Why lie?" and "Lies why?" But he seemed less than eager to meet.
Homer, I brought a squeaky! Help! I realized that if this bunny was going to be boiled, I would have to turn up the heat.
There you are! I'm ready for my segment.
Lenny always exciting to hear from you.
Did you ever try that new shampoo? Nope, never did.
Want to watch me pay my cable bill? I got checks with butterflies on them.
- I am interesting.
- No, you're not.
What do you want? Marge, can you just let me in for a minute? We let you in 32 years ago and it's brought us nothing but pain.
Well, if you want, I can cut you out of the film.
No, no, no, no, no! Let's not get crazy.
Then I just want to know why your husband did what he did.
I'll tell you why.
It's been another eight years and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book.
I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie.
But all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.
Strong words from a dumpy man.
And cut.
Wait just a cotton-swabbing minute! A good man went to a lot of trouble just to impress you.
And I went along with it because I love him to pieces.
And you made him look like a fool.
Well, I don't want you anywhere near my house! Now you can cut! What's the matter, Declan? Did a cop give you a ticket for talking like a fruit? It's the oddest thing.
I actually feel affection for these knuckle-dragging sub-monkeys.
I feel sorry for Homer Simpson.
What, have you been sipping cuckoo juice? Homer's got it made.
He's married to one hell of a woman.
All I've got is this porn channel I'm too cheap to descramble.
- That's an ad for shoe inserts.
- What the.
? I've been writing creepy letters to that? But what you said about Homer, it's it's given me a brilliant idea! An action movie where I play the Pope who kills the president? No, that's a terrible idea.
Yeah, I know.
It's stupid.
I think it could work, though.
I've even got a title: Pontiff No Return.
I came up with it, but I don't really get it.
The next day, I invited Homer to my editing bay.
- Oh, my God, the view! - This makes it all worth it! Yeah, it's not so much fun when you're blind.
At least you made it up the mountain.
No thanks to you two.
All right, you lured me to your bay.
Now what sick game are you playing? I have some footage to show you.
O, spirit! Are you gonna show me my future? My snow-flecked grave, mourned by no man? Well, it's not too late for me to change! You there, boy! Buy me a Christmas goose! The biggest one in the shop! And then what? Homer, come over here and take a look at this.
I've gone over 100,000 hours of Springfield footage twice and put together something you must see.
If I could trade lives with anybody, I'd pick Homer.
Have you been to Homer's house? It's got a back yard, a front yard The place is like yard city! I love his laugh.
He picked the perfect time to lock in his mortgage.
He's the kindest, sweetest, most generous man ever to drive through my living room.
I'll pay for most of this! He may not be perfect, but he's my dad.
Homer gave me a kidney.
It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due, but still, a lovely gesture.
I like when Daddy's out of work 'cause he can spend more time with me.
At bedtime, he tucks me in tighter than anyone else could.
And you know what? No monsters have gotten me yet.
Wow I have a pretty good life after all.
Homer! Don't kill the foreign man! Relax, Marge.
I wasn't gonna kill him.
All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.
Marge, you're my real dream come true.
And I get to live you every day.
Oh, Homie! You make each eight-year interval better than the last! Corrections by XhmikosR
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Yokel Chords
The Simpsons s18e14 Episode Script
Yokel Chords
The Simpsons 18x14 (JABF09) - Yokel Chords - Nothing like reading a well plotted mystery on the beach.
It's amazing how they always solve the crime just before they run out of pages.
Marge.
James Patterson! Come with me, Marge.
Help me think of new nursery rhyme-themed titles for my thrillers.
Ooh, how about "Little Bo Peep"? That's great.
A clue could be her sheep.
Marge, the real mystery is why we're just talking when I could be kissing your I overslept! The family can't start the day without me.
Relax, baby.
While you were dreaming of me and calling me James, I took care of everything.
Oh, Homie, you woke up early? Eh, stumbled home at dawn, same diff.
Now, don't worry.
I packed everyone's lunches and sent them off into the world.
What kind of lunch is this? A drawing of a sandwich.
I've got Grampa's medication.
Abe, pull over! You're not the driver! Shut up, pizzas! I've gotta deliver you! Oh no lunch for me.
Unless I "scare" one up.
Hey, guys, remember to stick together.
Today is the anniversary of the Dark Stanley murders.
Tell us all you know.
All right, imagine I'm holding a flashlight under my face.
Years ago, Stanley DeGroot was a cook here at the school.
All the kids made fun of him because he never graduated from college.
Stanley, Stanley, no degree.
Two credits short at MIT.
One day, Stanley picked up a cleaver and put a new entrÃ©e on the menu.
A delectable little dish called kids' head soup.
Needs more girl.
What happened to Dark Stanley? They hanged him for murder and buried him in an unmarked grave.
When they came back the next day, the whole cemetery was missing! Try not to think about it.
They say Dark Stanley makes your skull into a toilet and wee-wees into it.
And just when you think he's done, Dark Stanley takes your skin and makes footy pajamas.
Nobody pajamanates my skin.
This is the very spot where Dark Stanley comes to harvest heads for his soup of sorrow.
Why aren't you a-scareded? Oh, Dark Stanley would never dare attack a crowded, well-lit Dark Stanley's here.
Whoa! Murther! Well, Seymour, I certainly appreciate you letting me store my collection of antique cologne bottles in your office while they recarpet my condo.
It's quite a collection and, I assume, irreplaceable.
You assume correctly.
Seymour, Gary.
Simpson, I know you're behind this.
Well, you are going to get some counseling from our school psychologist.
Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains! Or from a qualified professional.
But first Willie, get those kids back! I'll bring those wee ones back dead or alive.
Not dead.
Ah, ya never let Willie be Willie.
Zimmerman, Zorx, and Zzyzwiski.
Now back to class, all of you.
All right, you heard him.
Back to class.
But we don't go to school.
But you do live in the district.
That's right.
We home-school 'em.
I teach the big ones and the big ones teach the little ones, but no one ever taught me, which makes the whole thing just an exercise in futility.
Uh-huh.
Skinner, what is going on here? Sir, if we let these hill folk into our school, our test scores would drop so low, we'd lose all federal funding.
I see and we've already lost state, county, and local funding.
Plus our last bake sale was a disaster.
People took bites without buying the cookies.
Yes, we're not very good at anything.
Excuse me.
Lisa Simpson, with the school paper.
Am I to understand you're purposely denying education to these children? That's a total mis Well, I wouldn't, uh I mean, that is to say, uh Uh, you know You see, the thing is I warn you, young lady, we can fumfur all day.
We, um, it's not that we, um You see, what, uh I just, we don't, um you're not, uh, grasping We're not really, um the, the, the, the You haven't heard the last of this.
Well, I think we've heard the last of this.
No, you haven't.
We're going to have to give this some thought.
Let's sing while we think.
It'll make it more fun for everyone.
How do we gag a blabbermouth like Lisa? How do we crush her First Amendment rights? How do we stop her writing up what she saw? Would she shut her trap For a gift card from the Gap? She might Oh, how do we stop a royal pain like Lisa? How do we make Miss Righteous Less uptight? You have a lovely voice, sir.
Why do you have to make everything weird? MANQUE QUELQUE CHOSE asked to see me? Lisa, would you consider tutoring Cletus' children? You'll be happy, they'll be happy, and I can go home and enjoy some delicious fondue.
Made with the fondue set I bought you for Christmas? No.
So what do you say, Lisa? Me? A tutor? The hillbilly tykes Will become by tutees.
Whoa! Ah! Oh! Hey, kids! The plow done birthed a girl-critter! Young'uns, this here girl is come from fairyland to school y'all.
Now, if you need me, I'll be on the porch drinkin' Thomsen's Water Seal.
My name's Lisa.
What are your names? Witney! Jitney! Dubya! Incest! Crystal Meth! International Harvester! Birthday! Are we gonna do this much work every day? Why do I have to go to a stupid psychiatrist? I told a scary story.
Big deal.
Look, boy, nobody knows better than me that you're a lost cause.
But the school's paying for five sessions and there's a Chinese restaurant next door where I can get drunk.
Get ready, Sheila.
This guy likes the act.
Mr.
Simpson! You good man! We happy see you! You not come long time! Come sit, drinky-drinky.
Where's Margie? She super lady! Bart, my name is Dr.
Swanson.
Stop right there, Doc.
This school has sent me to more therapists than you've had bad dates.
I've looked at the ink blots.
I've played with the puppets.
The whole racket's a hatful of crap.
I see.
Well I get paid whether you make progress or not.
Why don't we just kill the time playing videogames? Yeah, right.
I bet you've got a bunch of "learning" games.
Why don't you go online and look for a boyfriend while I take a nap? Actually, I just got "Death Kill City II: Death Kill Stories.
" Whoa! You've got "DKC2: DKS"? That one's rated "Bad for Everyone.
" You have destroyed all human life on earth.
Level 1 complete.
Yes! And that's how a presidential veto gets overridden.
Any questions? How is any of this gonna put dog meat on my plate? Hmm.
Maybe the best way to begin your education is to get you some exposure to the wider world.
So, I'm gonna take you to downtown Springfield! We gotta get permission from Daddy.
It's all right with me.
And, lastly I need a noun.
Booger.
Read it back! Read it back! "The county fair is always sucky to visit on a hot summer fart.
" "You can eat delicious cotton hate, and ride the Ferris burp and the Merry-go- booger.
" You can't make that stuff up.
What does this tell you, Bart? That this is one terrible county fair.
And? And My dad never takes me on the merry-go-booger.
He's always passed out in the parking snot.
He's lying! You drink too many scorpion bowl.
You go sleepy-sleepy now! Did, uh, did you get his wallet? Every president has a word balloon that says "I am gay.
" These colorful bums is funny! And guess what? Ben and Ken, the Street Magic Men, are only the beginning! The city is a treasure trove of culture, and multiculture! Mistos and lattes and grandes and ventis Browsing at bookstores with fat cognoscentis Books about Dali, Degas and Miro Those are the folks that you yokels should know Pretentious laughs at Bunuel retrospectives Outsider art made by mental defectives Enjoying opry that ain't grand or ole Comparing Jim Carrey to Dario Fo! Your minds are opening! Take it home! Eating tapas Freestyle rap artists Mrs.
Skinner is Mame We finally experienced cultural things And now they don't seem so lame.
What a number! You kids got talent! And I should know.
I used to have it.
Hey! You're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
- A clown? - No, a Joker! That's right! And I'm not a practicing joker, so I'm not that offended.
Well it's nice to see you again, Krusty, but these kids have field trip journals to write.
Yeah, yeah, right.
Who's your agent? What's an agent? Ka-ching! Finally, I get a chance to use these gag contact lenses.
And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News.
" Bart, I think you're making a lot of progress, but our time is up.
- See ya next Wednesday.
- Actually, this was our last session.
Huh? But we were doing such good work.
Oh, Bart, I truly enjoyed our time together, but the school only paid for five sessions.
I think I just got dumped.
He used to rob me two, three times a week.
Now, I'm lucky if I get it once a month.
He never initiates it.
I have to do all the work.
He just stands there.
Now, now, don't talk through him; talk to him.
Apu, sometimes when I rob you, it's like you're not even there.
That is because you're robbing my brother Sanjay.
- Dude, I didn't know.
- Oh, just shut up! That's right.
I want to hire your entire Appalachian dumpling gang, and I'll pay them the most anyone on TV is entitled to get: scale! Now I don't sign nothin' without pretendin' to read it first.
Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger.
Looks good! Mr.
Spuckler, wait! Is this really good for your kids? Teeny, get her out of here! Okay kids, let's cut some promos for the affiliates.
You're watching Krusty the Clown on WPPZ in Vero Beach, Florida, home of the AccuCurl Surf Report! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Hey, hey, kids.
Have I got a treat for you.
Put your hands together for the Sharecropper Showstoppers, The Smashing Bumpkins, The Spuckler Family Singers! I have eight teeth Going on seven teeth I have a curvy spine - We live on landfill - And feast on roadkill While we all drink Moonshine.
You're better than us! Look at those dumb hillbillies! I'll bet they don't even know what something is.
Dad, those kids aren't dumb.
This show just perpetuates the stereotype that all yokels are hicks.
Look at those morons.
They sing because they're stupid.
Kids, it's finally happening.
Your own prime-time special.
The songs will be written by Broadway's greatest composer: this guy.
What's your name again, fuzz-face? Stephen Sondheim.
I know you hear this all the time, but I think you're great.
And I'm sure you hear this all the time: you cost an arm and a leg, so let's get to work.
Here's the opening number.
Hmm, complex harmonies, intricate lyrics, pithy observations on modern life.
What is this junk?! Where's the zazz? - Just do what you did in Cats! - I didn't write Cats.
You didn't?! Oh, no! All right, I'll try and save this.
Tell you what.
Just give me a peppy vamp.
Okay.
And I can counterpoint it with No counterpoint! Vamp! Peppy! Hey! This peppy stuff isn't bad.
Maybe I will right that jingle for Buzz Cola.
President or ayatollah Everyone loves new Buzz Cola With lemon.
Krusty, the Spuckler kids missed their reading class today.
Yeah? Well, take it up with their manager.
Cletus, I think you're spending too much of the kids' earnings on yourself.
That's a lie! I ain't spent their money on naught but necessities.
Sir, your solid gold hound dog is here.
Uh how do we get the real dog out? Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow? I saw you yesterday in the dining room, and I didn't know if I should say "hi" or not.
How can I help you? Dr.
Swanson, I'm Bart's mother.
I've been saving this money for my husband's breast reduction surgery, but I think this is more important.
Would you please see Bart again? Of course.
Send him in.
Bart, honey, this is all we can afford for now.
If it doesn't work, maybe when you're an adult, you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
You know, I'm pretty sure I will.
And I wasn't planned, so when I came, my parents had to get married.
And they were too young, and not ready for a kid to screw up their lives.
Maybe I act out because if my parents are mad at me, they can't fight with each other.
And maybe that's why you do things like scare your c
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Rome-old and Juli-eh
The Simpsons s18e15 Episode Script
Rome-old and Juli-eh
The Simpsons 18x15 (JABF08) - Rome-old and Juli-eh - Okay, everyone, straight ahead is my big surprise.
Look out for the stairs.
Whoa! Ooh.
You redid the basement! Whoa feel the pile on this shag! Whoa, baby! Will you look at that paneling? I feel like I'm back in wooden times! Check out this pinball machine! "Chevy Chase in Foul Play.
" Pinball, eh? I've always wanted to try this.
Wow, the graphics are amazing.
That ball almost seems real! This basement is a wonderful gift to the family.
But how could you afford it? Marge, we're not going to have to worry about money ever again, because I've got a plan.
I'd like to declare bankruptcy, please.
Mr.
Simpson, do you understand how bankruptcy works ? Yes I do.
Under Chapter 13 of the fiscal code, an individual whose debts exceed his assets may file for bankruptcy, thus protecting said assets.
That was the old bankruptcy law.
Huh? Under the new law, you have to pay your creditors everything.
What the? But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law! The one that says "Dude, don't worry about it.
I got this.
" Mr.
Simpson, I'm afraid this court must appoint a financial officer to supervise repayment of your debts.
Hmm Permission to moan? I'll allow it.
Mr.
Simpson, among the expenses the court deems frivolous, you throw over $1,000 a month into local wishing wells.
Of course, you idiot, 'cause I'm wishing for more money.
Hm-hmm.
Well, you're gonna have to make some serious cutbacks to your expenses.
Three subscriptions to Vanity Fair? I've got three bathrooms, don't I? $500 a month to Totalpoker.
com? Shut up! It's an instructional website! Shut up! Give it here, I'll find some fat we can trim.
Ah, here you go a giant useless expense for something that no one is interested in.
I don't want to leave! You promised me I could die here! No, no.
This place is too expensive.
I saw you doing a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle in there.
Come on, Dad, I'm cutting back everywhere.
To save gas, I'm Flintstone-ing the car.
So very Scram, you two! This is my bedroom now! No way, this is our rec room! Not anymore.
I already put my posters up.
Keep Cool With Coolidge Lilian Gish in Broken blossoms A.
S.
S.
American Shipping Services Not affiliated with the human ass Hey, Mr.
Flanders,what'd you get? Some kind of bible garbage? Oh, I wish! No, these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company.
Could a kid like me get these boxes, then use them for whatever he wanted? Only if he fibbed about his name, age, and occupation on this automated 800 number.
Why don't you put this box by your phone so you don't call the number by accident.
Oh, I won't.
Nothing like un-tossing a leftover salad.
It'll be like new! Whoa.
What the heck are these? Those are my medical samples! Hands off, you big blue Buttinski! Blood, bile, spinal fluid, blood, other, phlegm, miscellaneous ooze Grampa's driving me crazy.
Why are you telling me?He's your father-in-law.
Can we at least get out of the house for an evening? Sure, but I think you're exaggerating the problem.
I'm scared.
Can I sleep across you? No! What are you doing here, Patty or Selma? I invited Selma here to watch Grandpa watch the kids.
For some reason,she doesn't trust him.
Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you.
He was a great dad.
Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents.
Um lemon candy? No thanks.
I brought my own.
I know what you're wondering.
How come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a Saturday night.
I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
My numbers don't get called much these days.
You're kidding.
A sweet young thing like you? Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever put an adjective before calling me a thing.
You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.
O.
W.
camp.
Hmm Well, if he dies in my arms, I could meet a cute paramedic.
All right, lips, man your kissing stations.
This is not a drill.
Well, here we are home early.
Yeah, and the great prices at that new rib joint were the surprise of the evening.
Ah! A bear is eating my father! I'm Selma.
Ah! A talking bear is eating my father! You know what you were kissing? Do you? Do you? Yeah, I know who I was kissing, and I also know why.
I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories.
Well, I never, ever want to see that again.
Ah, the hell with you.
I just might ask that Selma girl out, and you can't tell me not to.
My roof, my rules! Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him? So exactly what company am I giving these free boxes to? Uh the name of the company is Uh-huh.
Are you run by dogs or for dogs? Actually, don't answer.
I like not knowing.
Now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
As always,I have some ideas.
Hmm "Build a fart.
" I love it.
Fort.
That's "build a fort.
" That might work, too.
I'm glad you called.
This is really going to drive Homer crazy.
Well, actually, the real reason I asked you out is because I'm well, I'm a little sweet on you.
Oh, listen, Abe,the other night was fun, but Ah, phooey on buts.
At my age,and with your drawbacks, we can't afford to miss an opportunity.
Why don't we just spend some time together and see where that takes us? Yeah, what the hell? Want to split a basket of garlic bread? Slow down, you hussy.
Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here.
Oh, look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
It's not right.
It's like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase that fell out of a plane.
Be nice, Homer.
Don't you see how great it is that they found each other? Like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine to make a yummy hot dog.
Oh, now you're dragging hot dogs into this.
Real classy, Marge.
Real classy.
Hey, Homer, that garbage barge is complaining about your smell.
We wrote that joke in the water.
It wasn't all frolicking.
How could my Dad go out with Selma ? Don't those two gargoyles know that love is for good-looking young people ? Well, gee, Homer, you, uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself.
Words hurt, you know.
They do.
Stupid Selma and Grampa.
How dare they find happiness.
Psst! Over here.
- It's me.
Patty.
- Oh, great.
Who are youin love with ? Bart ? Look, if you want to break up your father and Selma, I have a plan.
But it involves you.
Okay, but I'm notgood at details.
Or the big picture.
I also show up late.
And drunk.
I've got a goodfeeling about this.
- Lower the drawbridge ! - What's the password ? I love my sister.
Hey, you little brats.
Get down from those battlements ! Those boxes arefor shipping, not for creating a world of pure imagination.
Give them back.
Not till we're bored with them.
Now, begone ! I shall go, but I will return with an army of my brethren and together we shall take back what is ours and Hell will raindown up on you ! What if we're not here ? We will come two more times, and then you'll have to come to our customer center.
It's near the airport, where the old CrownBooks used to be.
- Hello, Homer.
- Selma ! Relax, it's just me, Patty.
Patty ! Do you have your disguise? Hola, I am Estebande la Sexface.
That means "Stephen of the Sexface.
" Okay, now let's prepare our mental images so we can kiss each other without barfing.
Whoa-oa-oa ! Mm! Yes! Oh, baby.
What the? Selma, how could you ?! Sorry, Abe, we're through.
I thought we really had something.
What the hell is going on here ? Dos Selmas? Ay-yi-yi! Homer ! Why would you try to break us up ? I guess I always dreamed that my father would grow old alone.
Well, nerts to both of ya ! Our love is so strong not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart ! A thousand, eh? I love this woman and I'm gonna make sure she's in my life forever.
I'm Patty.
Nice to meet you.
Selma, will you marry me ? Abe I uh yes ! Homer, say hello to your new ma ! No! Dad, don't throw rice, it makes the birds swell up ! Oh, Lisa, that's one of those rumors you get off the Internet.
Hey, Selma, want some rice ? Pick a lane, freaks! Nothing solves everything for ever like a wedding.
Now to do something
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Homerazzi
The Simpsons s18e16 Episode Script
Homerazzi
The Simpsons 18x16 (JABF06) - Homerazzi - Happy birthday, dear Homer Happy birthday to you! I don't have to make a wish, because I already have this wonderful family.
I wish for infinity hamburgers.
Huh? Oh, I get it.
These are those trick candles you can't blow out.
No, Dad, they're the opposite.
"E-Z BLO.
" This ends now.
It's okay, Homie.
You're probably just tired from not doing anything all day.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Dad, you're out of shape even for an American.
I'll just focus on one area.
How many did I get? None? That's cool.
You know how many fires are started by birthday candles? If you do, tell me.
It would settle a bet down at the station house.
I say five, Gus says a million.
This disasterette was a real wake-up call.
We need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.
You could buy a fireproof safe.
Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.
Sir, we've been here six times this month.
Yeah, but, um, one of those,I dialed 9-1-1 by mistake, but I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire.
Feels good to tell the truth.
No, I'm lying again,it feels bad.
Okay.
Everyone gets to put one precious item in our fireproof safe.
For me,it's the family photo album.
Aw.
Our kids used to be so cute.
Used to?! Oh, deal with it.
It's so hard to choose just one item worthy of the safe.
So I made this elaborate decision tree, which in itself is worthy of preservation.
Tick tock, sweetie.
I picked my Malibu Stacyhybrid convertible.
It runs on her old make up and out-of-style shoes.
I'm going withthe cologne I wore on our first date.
Ooh.
I'm putting in my "Catch A Rising Krusty" doll! Where do the kids today get these band names? "The Kinks?" "The Stones?" Sounds like my last physical! References.
No.
Wait.
Don't Now we have nothing to worry about in the event of a fire except our lives.
You see all those crazy new electronics? iPod iTunes I give up! What's that coming out of the safe? I don't know-- maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlight, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil,and soon explode.
Dad, that's ridiculous.
What's the deal with this "California pizza"? If I wanted cheese and fruit, I'd have to No! It's gone.
That family album was a record of my accomplishments.
It's like what a resume is for a man.
I agree, Mom,it's very sad.
But we'll have to move on.
It's not like we can restage all our family photos.
Restage the photos? Lisa, you fool.
You've doomed us all.
No! Okay, we're recreating our series finale party for Star Trek: Voyager.
Oh, man, I thought I was strong enough to get through this again,but I'm not.
Oh, Captain Janeway! Your mission ended too soon.
Too soon.
Our new photos are back! Ooh! That's why I got duplicates.
Restaged Precious Memories.
Aw! There's my first saxophone recital.
Bart looks so cute as a mighty oak in the school play.
Here I am on the space shuttle,orbiting Earth.
It sure was nice of NASA to send you up again.
Oh, my God! Check out what's happening behind your restaged anniversary dinner.
Duffman's on a datewith Booberella.
He's supposed to be in a stable, long-term gay relationship.
Hmm.
This is a celebrity scandal.
We could sell that photo to a tabloid.
And they pay big money for photos.
Marge, this isn't like you.
Well, it's just about what we need to pay for our fire damage.
Spooky.
This is good, real good.
Like Lindsay Lohan looking drunk, high and bony.
Click, click, career over,see ya in the gutter, freckles! Homer, I'll pay you 200 bucks.
Bring me more snaps like this, and I'll make you a moderately wealthy man.
Moderately wealthy? Whee! I'm sort of rich! I can rent anything I want! That's quite an offer.
Can I discuss it with my wife? - Sure, why not? - Then I'll do it! The Krusty Movie.
Premiering Tonight.
Oh, boy ! I can't wait to see Krusty.
Look, there's his chauffeur-driven Town Car.
Your head dinged my door panel! Jerks like you ought to be shot! Krusty! How about a nice shot of you with the boy you injured? Paparazzi?! Get lost,ya parasite.
How about you, Gabbo? Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Okay, how about an autograph for my kids? Well, when you put it that way Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi-yi! Okay, boy, this is that snooty supermarket all the celebrities shop at.
You're gonna helpme ambush them.
Look at this place.
Imported beer? Seedless grapes? Chewing gum? The clown on this cereal box is just a person.
There's the Rich Texan and his daughter,Paris Texan.
Come on, baby, barf for mama.
Okay, boy,do something annoying, but leave yourself room to build.
Hey, Paris,I saw a disgusting part of your body on the Internet-- your face! I'm still breaking in this nose! Springfield Dry cleaners.
Look at those celebrities.
I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
Hello, Homer.
Have you lost weight? Oh, like you care,Betty White.
Tell me,how's Maggie? Her name is Marge! I was talking about your baby.
Oh.
Uh, she's looking very snappy! Thanks for taking my picture.
If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped,self-addressed envelope.
And give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me.
Yeah, that's right,just walk away.
Beautiful day, isn't it, Freddie? God bless you and yours.
Dad, it's Drederick Tatum.
Try to get him to punch you.
No problem.
Hey, Drederick! Yes, how can I help you, my handsome friend? Your hip-hop CD was boastful and unnecessary.
Okay, here we go.
That's what I think of the forth estate! What are the first three? Nobility, clergy and commoners.
Learn your French history.
Okay.
Terrific! Outstanding! This has page one written all over it.
What the hell did you do that for ? I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.
Boy, I never thought I'd have my own darkroom.
Yes, but why does it have to be in my bedroom ? Lis, you can't stay here if you're gonna keep talking.
It's 11:00 at night, and I can't get to sleep! Well, then you could come over here and help Daddy pour chemicals.
Okay.
Kids they always say they're not tired when they're the most tired of all.
That photo's mine.
That photo's mine.
That photo's mine.
Well, I do like the extra money.
But I think maybe you should stop exploiting human beings' private misfortunes.
See, Marge everyone says they hate these magazines, but it's impossible to set them down.
Oh, it is not.
Watch me.
Sideshow Mel is in a custody battle ?! And it's turning bitter ? If you read one more thing, it is a purchase.
Experts disagree on location of Heaven ? Purchase ! Okay, this is the place.
Did I attach the harness ?! No ! Should attach it for you ?! If you don't mind! Thank you ! Now to make a young woman's wedding day all about me.
Do you, Rainier Luftwaffe Wolfcastle, take Maria Shriver-Kennedy-Quimby - to be your lawful wedded - Up, up,and annoy! Yes ! I also wreck bar mitzvahs ! Is that horrible man gone yet ? Yes, Mother, barring some sort of pendulum effect.
First Amendment rules, privacy drools ! Time to squash that shutterbug.
You promised me one day where you wouldn't swear revenge on someone.
Promise revoked.
Greetings, famous faces and sizzling stars.
Thank you for responding to my e-vite.
Krusty, your response was the least funny.
I'm a visual comedian.
Did you get the j-peg ? - Wouldn't open.
- Oh! I wish to discuss our mutual enemy, Homer Simpson.
Now, do not worry.
In my film A Future Droid in King Arthur's Court, I learned that it takes a Robo Knight to defeat a Robo Knight.
And to defeat a paparazzo, it takes this man! Let me introduce the world's greatest celebrity shutterbug Enrico Irritazio.
Buono giorno! How are you gonna help us, Beefaroni ? Allow me to explain.
I take embarrassing pictures of Homer, harass him day and night.
Justice will be served, and I will be a god in your eyes! See ? It is good.
I declare this meeting adjourned.
Now please, take some sushi, 'cause if I give it to the dogs, they will think, "Oh, now I get sushi all the time.
" And I am not made of sushi.
Now, Maggie, I had to use your car seat to hold the new TV Guide so I'm gonna hang you from the mirror.
Smile ! He's trying to make me look like a bad father.
Maggie, take the wheel ! Ten and two, Einstein ! Can't I even have privacy here ?! Scandalous! Repugnant! Ausgezeichnet ! I shall make this photo into my screensaver ! Somehow.
How could you publish this? I thought we were friends! I have no friends.
Friends take time.
And time is money, and money pays for things, like a manicure and a boiled egg.
Get me one of each, but not boiled, poached.
Ah, what the hell it's Friday, scrambled ! Sometimes I wish I had a twin.
Not that much, though.
We'd just fight.
And then he said he didn't want a twin because they'd just fight.
Sweetie, maybe it's time you retired from paparazzying.
It's never fun to get a taste of your own medicine.
You're right.
I'm giving up photography and my own medicine ! So long, anti-clotting agent ! Clot, clot, clot, clot clot, clot, clot, clot ! With Homer Simpson out of the way, we can go back to our lives of sybaritic excess.
Stem cell fajita ? Leave the tray.
Listen to 'em.
They're on top of the world while I'm sittin' here pretending I have a stool.
All because of a bunch of stuff that happened.
Homer, don't be so quick to abandon this paparazzo thing.
Yeah, it's an American tradition to cut people down to size because they've brought so much joy into our lives.
You know who I can't stand ? That Robin Williams.
You know, one time I saw him eating dinner with his children.
He wouldn't take the time out to do all the funny bits from his movies.
And my sister once saw Burt Reynolds at an airport, and he wouldn't even cosign her mortgage.
You guys are right I should get back in the game.
Oh ! But I threw away my camera.
Oh, here, use this one.
I was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies' toilet, but, uh, no dames ever come in this joint.
- Thanks, Moe! - Sure.
Excuse me, do you have a ladies' room? We need to trade bras and panties.
Oh, you got to be kidding me! You call this a drink? No, I never called it a drink.
How do you want your comeuppance eight by ten or wallet size? Celebrities, hide your shame! What are you going to do with those photos? Nothing.
Providing you celebrities do something for me.
I want you all to show some respect for the people who made you what you are.
Sign an autograph or two.
Support a charity for something that hasn't happened to a member of your family.
Let one of us regular guys write a terrible children's book! We will take the deal.
As a sign of good faith, I invite you and your family to a barbecue on my offshore party platform.
It is good doing real things with real people.
Say, Rainier, you're in show business.
Would you mind taking a look at this screenplay I wrote? Oh, sorry.
I do not read unsolicited manuscripts.
Well, at least it got made.
Correction : Rassman
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Marge Gamer
The Simpsons s18e17 Episode Script
Marge Gamer
The Simpsons 18x17 (JABF10) - Marge Gamer - Next item on the agenda, I'm afraid that due to funding cuts, we've had to sell the science department skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume.
Thank you, Willie.
Now, please return it to its plastic snap case.
Moving on-- our class trip to Italy is now spaghetti night at Papa John's, and your $1,500 deposits will not be refunded.
Ooh, Papa John's! We will conclude by passing around a sheet on which I would like everyone's e-mail address.
What's wrong? I can't fill out that clipboard.
I don't have e-mail.
Oh, Marge, you got to get on the Net.
It's got all the best conspiracy theories.
Did you know that Hezbollah owns Little Dolly Snack Cakes? This stuff will rock your world! Fine, I'll log onto Wahoo or Yippy or A-O-K or Pooka-dooka, whatever it's called.
Can we move this meeting along? I pay my taxes, I expect my orange drink! Ambrosia! And this Web site will tell you the weather.
Sunny ? I never have to look out the window again.
Let's go surfing now, everybody's learning how Come on and safari with me Paper towels for 69 cents.
Kids, get in the car! We're going to Pennsylvania! Ooh.
Wow.
And all this time, I thought "Googling yourself" meant the other thing.
Your House From Space It's our house! But what's that thing ? Everyone can see you! Get inside! Never ! Just put on a towel! Why don't I just put on a dress? Homer, you've met my parents.
Not naked, I haven't.
That Internet has it all.
Today, I found I had the same birthday as Randy Quaid, I MapQuested a great new route to the armory, and I got a list of local houses where I'm not letting you kids trick or treat anymore.
I'm proud of you, Mom.
You're like Christopher Columbus.
You discovered something millions of people knew about before you.
MailBox Welcome Marge You have No new messages.
I sent everyone I know an e-card for St.
Patrick's Day, but not one person wrote me back.
Hmm.
Maybe if I hit "Refresh.
" Still nothing.
But maybe now.
Or now.
The only thing that changes is the banner ad.
Ooh.
Earthland Realms? Earthland Realms is a multiplayer online role-playing game.
Do you agree to the following terms and conditions? "For amusement only.
Credit card information may be sold to Korean gangsters.
" Just click "Agree.
" Step one, create your character.
Let's see.
What kind of goofy goobly should I be? Whoa.
Look at those bazooms.
Who designed this character? Probably a man.
Hmm! I can make her look any way I want.
Let's see.
Hair: blue.
Shoes: sensible.
Body type: Olive Oyl.
Face: other.
That's better.
Now, let's role play.
Wow, it's like a renaissance fair, but without all the chubby couples.
This is really annoying.
You're telling me.
Greetings, Cleric.
Will you undertake a quest on my behalf? Eh, maybe I should run this by my husband first.
Things are more fun if you just answer "yes.
" Then, yes.
Hither me forth on mine arduous quest.
Once again,just "yes.
" Yes.
First, you must find the Armandahl of Nuxinor.
All I see is that rock.
You have found it! Oh! Okay, activate my level seven power stones.
Wield the orb of oblivion.
And zap! Hmm, needs more goat soul.
Mom?! What are you kids doing up so late? We just got up.
It's 7:00 a.
m.
I was on the computer all night! Actually, it's Saturday.
I played a day and a night.
Bart, it's not Saturday.
Shh.
I should get some sleep.
I better check on my elf-self.
Thank you.
Come again.
Apu? Mrs.
Homer.
How nice to see you in the Realms.
How did you get in my game? Are you a virus? Oh, no.
I, too, am online playing.
That cobra king over there is actually Snake.
The prison guards think I'm getting my online law degree.
Ha, ha! And that beguiling enchantress is Mrs.
Krabappel.
This game is a great way to meet eligible men who can afford a computer.
Or have access to one at the school library.
It's amazing how you can be a turkey in every reality.
What's important is we're talking.
I'm Moe.
I'm playing this while I'm on the can.
Wow, Moe! You're a troll.
What ? No.
My character's supposed to look like me.
Why does everyone keep thinking I'm a troll?! Who are we hiding from? The Shadow Knight.
Where he rides, death is sure to follow.
The Shadow Knight? He's the most evil,destructive player in this game.
He once beat me to death with my own life bar.
Mmm mmm.
Who dares battle with the Shadow Knight? Oh He was a good man.
A good, moist man.
Eww.
I can't watch this.
Another senseless killing by the Shadow Knight! Hmm? My son is an evil knight! The most successful evil knight in all the Earthland Realms! Not bad.
Aye carumba, what a day! Brave sir knight? What is it, Lady Milhouse? I'm not a lady, it's a spell, a spell you said you'd reverse.
Yeah, yeah, it's on my list.
Anyway, someone's here to see you.
Hi, Bart! It's your mom! I'm in your videogame with you! What? Why Milhouse, don't you look pretty! It's a spell! And thank you.
Mom, what are you doing in my game?! How would you like it if I suddenly started going shopping with you? I'd like that very much.
Uh, wh-what can I get ya,Mr.
Shadow Knight, sir? A grog? Grog light? Uh, diet grog with lemon? Just wring the blood from this pixie head.
Yes, sir.
Hi, everybody! How do you play this game? Ow! Haaaaaaa.
Oooohh!! Now flog yourself with this mace while reciting the Goblin's Code! Goblin's Code,yes, sir! All goblins must be free of visible worms.
Oooh! In the presence of a lady, a goblin must remove his hat and ears.
Bart, are you drinking? Mom! You're making me look bad in front of my minions! If they think less of you because of me, then they're not really your minions.
I'm going off to explore the Crevices of Lagrimmar.
Great, I'll come with you.
Shouldn't you bundle up? Here, let me enchant your pants.
Hey, Lisa, self-conscious about your shins? In my day, girls were worried about their boobs.
Dad, I'm going to play soccer.
I fell in love with the game when I saw Bend It Like Beckham.
Father, I am proud of my cultural heritage, but I also love soccer ! You tell him, Jesminder ! I forbid you to bend it like Beckham.
Plus, you must marry this complete stranger.
His father is an important business acquaintance of mine.
Love counts for nothing ! You tell her, Mr.
Dhanabhai ! Business contacts are more important than love! Wait, that's soccer ? I always called it "human foosball.
" Would you like me to take you to your game ? You already promised you would.
Aw, do I have to ? Okay, Morty, I'll tell them.
Sorry, ladies.
We got no referee, so the game's been canceled.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're very disappointed.
- What happened to the ref ? - He quit ! Being a ref is athankless job the parents hate ya the only upside is the kids share their snack with you.
Did someone say "snack" ? I'll be your ref! Dad, where'd you get that outfit ? I got fired from Foot Locker.
Kicks just keep getting harder to find What's the matter, buddy ? The American flag not good enough for ya ? That was my father.
I'm your father now.
I'm open ! I'm open ! No, but not with kicks You just need help, girl So tired.
Could someone bring me another barf cone ? So I thought it went real well.
Until I swallowed the whistle.
You don't evenknow the rules! This cld be my new thing, and you're turning it into a joke! - Hilarious joke ? - Sadly, no.
I'm disappointed with the way you acted today but I'm not surprised.
Oh, let's see.
Should I take the Trail of Death, or the Path of Doom? Maybe I should just go back.
Is this Wall Street Journal online? Well, well, looks like something's finally about to happen in this game.
Just in time.
I was about to go to the Pottery Barn site to get design ideas.
It's the Shadow Knight ! - Run ! - I forget how to do that.
Control-shift-R Thank you, Bart.
This frame grab's going on my coffee cup.
You guys wanna meet at the Kwik-E-Mart? I'm in the tub right now.
I'm in Denmark! Hand ball ! Direct kick ! Dad, I'm impressed ! You've become a much better referee.
Thanks, honey.
After what you said to me, I watched hours and hours of soccer.
I almost saw a goal ! But there were so many ads for Spanish cell phones.
Do it, sweetie! Save our troubled marriage! Foul on 23 ! That's crazy.
Your daughter just tripped on her own clumsy feet! Come on, Lisa.
Admit it ! I'm a spectator addressing a player-- answer me! I said foul on 23! You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you! Helen, please.
Don't drop the J bomb.
Well, I'm throwing you both out of the game! She tripped me.
Foul on the other girl.
Lisa gets apenalty kick, and every other kid has to pay her a dollar.
That is an outrage ! Your daughter's been floppin' all day ! She has not.
Your daughter's rty player.
Sir, I have sired adum-dum, a mush-head, a what's-it, a dog boy, and somethin' with a human face and fish body, what we called Kevin, but my young'uns is not dirty players.
I don't need a soccer lecture from a hillbilly.
That's hill-William to you, sir.
How about a lecture from me, Ronaldo ? Ronaldo ?! Winner of two World Cups and three FIFA Player of the Year awards ? Yes, I what you said.
Now I travel the world exposiloppers, and your daughter is a flopper.
Now, Ronaldo away ! You heard Geraldo.
What's it gonna be ? Yellow card ! You can't give me a yellow card.
You're my father.
When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's, either.
This is what I think of your yellow card! Unsportsman like conduct.
That's a red card.
- You're out of the game ! - But but Oh ! Another family broken up by Ronaldo.
Yes ! What a fun quest ! Aren't you glad I made you take that na thedle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me just put this holy grail in my trophy room.
Whoa ! Where's al stuff ?! I thought all the swords and severed heads were kind of gory, so I redecorated using the Hello Kitty expansion pack.
No ! Mom ? Mom ?! I was killed by my own son.
How could you kill your own mother? It was just a game.
A game I used to enjoy before you mommed all oit.
Lisa, sweetie, - I was just following the rules.
- Great.
The one time you actually do something right, you ruin my life.
I thinkI'l l go to bed.
- It's 5:00 in the afternoon.
- Who cares ? I'm dead.
Ju' nys! Those damesare cheesed.
Son, I'll never understand women if I live to be 40.
- Big if.
- Enjoy me while I last.
Want to go slam a few beers ? - If you watch me ? - You know it.
What's the matter, Homer and Bart? Lisa's mad at me, and Marge is am.
Well, I'm juthe bartender here, but it seems to me, you could win Lisa back by appealing to hersense of reason, and you could win your Mom back by appealing to her feelings.
He, Moe, you give good advice.
Yeah.
What have you done of the real Moe ? Lisa honey, I brought you something - a DVD ! - Not interested.
A documentary.
By the BBC.
In coorporation with Canal +.
Give me ! Give me ! Brighton, England, 1985.
Manchester United plays Sussexton-Hamptonshire-Unleath when a deadly riot breaks out in the stands.
Oi, your boy's a flopper he is.
No he isn't ! He isn't ! Your mother can kiss me bum.
this riot is still going on.
Last year in Brazil, an on-field scuffle turned so violent, locals say a statue of the Virgin Mary came alive and beat the holy snot out of everyone.
Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagineyou gave me life-- by pressing alt-F-5 repeatedly.
Bart, you brought me back to life! As best you could.
Sweetie, are you here to forgive me? No.
Oh! But to get that DVD, I had to become a PBS subscriber.
Now I'm paying for crap like American Masters.
Dad, I can't forgive you, because there's nothing to forgive.
You were right to kick me out of that game.
Soccer was making me insane, just as it did the continents of Europe and South America.
Those places are pretty terrible.
So from now on, I'll play soccer for the same reason I study chemistry-- for fun.
Do you want to play a little? I sure do.
Wait till I tell the other moms you gave two-thirds of your lifeforce to save me.
What a good boy.
This way.
Slay him and take his experience points! Wait.
Stop ! If you kill me, I'll egg your houses in real life! It's still worth it.
I live in a loft ! My jewels! All righ t ! I gothis flame sword ! Aw, come on.
The Shadow Knights hall rule no more We've spilt his blood upon the floor With a hi and a ho and a trolly lolly lay It's the jolly merrymonth of May! Don't worry, honey.
I'll hunt down our friends who murdered you one by one.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go play outside.
Look what I can do ! I have taught you well.
Too well.
Mom, are you sure you don't want to play? No, no.
I'm fine.
Why am I paying $14.
95 a month for this?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  The Boys of Bummer
The Simpsons s18e18 Episode Script
The Boys of Bummer
The Simpsons 18x18 (JABF11) - The Boys of Bummer - Homer, what took you so long? The game's almost over.
I got hung up at the snack stand watching those hot dogs rolling and turning, not a care in the world.
No more lazy Saturdays for you.
Strike two! By my calculations, we're only one strike away from victory.
Numbers are fun.
This is it, boys.
One more out and we go to the championship game.
Let's do it for Groundskeeper Willie, who made me this beautiful black bicep warmer! It keeps me naughty hands busy.
I got it! I got it! I hogged it! I hogged it! My son caught the ball! This makes up for everything that's gone wrong in my life or ever will! I'm also pleased! After years of failure in everything we've attempted, we are one victory away from a championship, people.
And our newfound glory is all due to these wonderful boys.
Behold my naked butt! Each cheek is a god to you! Now Bart, stay humble.
Your baseball cap won't fit over a swelled head.
Flanders, these boys have earned the right to behave like arrogant oafs.
Can we egg the crowd? In this modern-day Deadwood you can do anything.
All right.
Smithers, I'm missing the fun! Upsy-daisy, sir.
Ah, what glorious goo! I need a dress to wear for my son's big game.
He's the star, I'm his mom, and he's my son.
Mm-hmm, you've mentioned his name and batting average several times.
Well, he's done very well for someone who came out blue and backwards.
Listen, do you mind if I hum while you talk? Not at all! He single-handedly got the team to the championship, first time ever.
My son caught the ball that won the game.
I hate shopping ! I'm bored; my feet hurt; I'm too big for the choo-choo train.
Hmm where's the "husband chair" ? Unless you're serving me a cold beer, you keep moving.
Oh! There must be another chair.
Eh-eh.
My wife's lookin' for a bathing suit that doesn't make her look "horsey.
" So, I'm gonna be here a while.
Mm-hmm.
I guess I could just sit on a bed.
Wow, this is soft.
Sure feels weird lying on top of the covers.
Sure feels weird lying in bed with my pants on.
What in the name of? Hey, you ! Whoa! How many? Are you sleeping in the middle of my department store? Well who wouldn't with an incredible mattress like this? It works with my body's natural curves and supports my back-boobs.
That's the best endorsement I've heard since Mickey Mantle for Maypo! I'll take five mattresses.
I don't work here.
You do now, son! You're hired! Woo-hoo! All this fuss for a baseball game? Why don't thousands come to watch a teacher inspire a child? But it did happen.
Just yesterday,in Crazytown! So, in the amber gloaming of this September afternoon, Shelbyville has the bases loaded, but the Isotots only need one out to win the championship and get that pizza party at Luigi's ! Luigi's, they deliver on flavor,but not to your house! Damas y caballeros, if the Isotots win, please do not fire your guns in the air.
The bullets will come down! And kill my sister.
A lazy pop fly to star shortstop Bart Simpson.
And this should do it! Now for the defining moment of my life.
Huh? Simpson drops the ball! And he kicks it! And he kicks it again! And again! Oh, it's horrible, but you can't take your eyes away! It's like watching a monkey swallow a hand grenade.
The Isotots lose the pennant! The Isotots lose the pennant! Bart, you choked! I put on fresh makeup for this? Knock it off! He's just a kid! Aw, hey that's the guy what created him! If Homer had used some protection, we'd all be poopin' roses on easy street! Hey, get off my case! He's the choke artist! Quick, Bart,Bart, get in! Thanks, Chief.
Don't mention it, son.
He's back! Go nuts, everyone! Bart's coming down! Hide the sports section! D'oh! Good morning, sweetie.
There's nothing you can say.
After that game,my life is over.
Was there even a baseball game yesterday ? I don't remember Marge, we were just talking about it a few seconds ago.
Don't you have to get to your job as a mattress salesman ? Oh, yeah.
Let's see where that goes.
Let me tell you about a land where it rains beer and hails pretzels and you can play swim-up blackjack with Abraham Lincoln.
It's the land of sleep.
And your passport : a simple mattress.
Yes, I need to be able to sleep through my wife's nagging and my eight horrible babies and the anguished howls of my ancestors.
A common problem.
Try this.
Oh.
Ooh.
Oh, I feel like I'm floating on a river of corpses.
Homer, we have a friend-- actually a friend of a friend Sex problem, eh?! Homer, please.
They can hear you in Fine China.
Relax.
I'm a licensed mattress professional, if there were such a thing, and I've got the answer to your problems: The Snugulux by Matrimonium.
Ooh, sold.
And remember: your most intimate secrets are safe with me.
Okay, who else is dead in bed? You're listening to KBBL, your official"Bart Simpson sucks" station.
Oh-ho, and here comes another "Bash Bart Block," starting with this entry from Jimbo,Dolph, and Kearney.
Bart stinks Yeah, yeah Bart stinks Bart stinks Yeah, yeah Bart stinks Oh, my favorite song ruined ! Bart, come with me.
I'll take you to someone who will make you feel better.
Is it my rabbit Cottontail ? The one who went to live upstate ? He died, Bart.
Dad buried him in the backyard.
But not in that order.
Bart, meet Joe LaBoot.
LaBoot, LaBoot.
Sounds familiar.
You probably remember me from 1943 World Series.
With the score tied in game seven, Tommy Heinrich of the Yankees hit a ball in my direction.
Jugglin' Joe LaBoot they called me.
When I finally picked up the ball, I threw it into the stands,hitting Eleanor Roosevelt, who up till then had been a great beauty.
We lost the game and the series.
But I bounced back.
Got my own car dealership.
I have 17 grandchildren and a big home in Idaho.
It's a great life ! Yeah, in Idaho.
And at these card shows,the fans let me know that I've put my gaffe behind me.
You stink, LaBoot! No, I don't! Google my stats! Take it from me, kid, you'll be just fine.
Feel better now, Bart? "Bart?!" Are you Bart Simpson? The kid who dropped that easy fly ball?! You stink like a Dutchman's throw-up.
Talking to you was the biggest error of my life ! Boo.
Boo, indeed.
The Lovejoys ?! If this is about me drinking that holy water, let me tell you, I had had like a million Doritos.
You know, the ones with the flame on the bag? Oh-ho, that bag ain't lyin'! - We're here about the mattress.
- What's wrong with it? We tried raising Cain, but we weren't able.
Oh, I think I know what you're doing wrong.
Have you tried I know the mechanics of lovemaking, Homer! You owe us a refund! I'll write you a check.
"Pay to the order of Stupid Reverend.
Memo: Bite my ass.
" Wha?! Homer, I'm not a man who believes in miracles, but this bed of yours could resurrect our sex life.
If you let us have your mattress, we'll give you ours.
On one condition: you do the shlepping.
Well, I'll have to check with my wife.
Move over just a - Ow, well, maybe if you g.
.
- No, wrong,wrong, wrong ! I'm sorry, Homie.
I want to snuggle, but I'm just not feeling it.
Yeah, something has changed, but I can't figure out what.
Our mattress! I traded it to the Lovejoys! You traded our mattress? I had my secret cash in it.
Oh, that's long gone, baby.
Long gone.
It was made for Elvis, but he found it tacky.
But I can't believe a mattress could make that much difference.
This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine Oh, glory This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine Every day, every day Every day Yay, yay, yay ! Lousy Reverend, he's having my sex while I'm at home with Marge not doing anything sensual or erotic.
A damp sponge will take care of this weak, water-based It's oil-based ! - Oil-based ! - Daddy ? Fetch Daddy's thinner, boy.
But it's in the "stay away" closet.
You just fetch it! Who would do this to Bart? The person who hates Bart more than anyone else.
Look! Oh, yeah, that's really something.
Mom, put your glasses on.
But they make me look dowdy.
My baby! See? I hate me, too.
Now we can be friends again.
Bart, stop! No one's mad at you anymore, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
You know.
Jump! Who-Who said that? I hate Bart Simpson! I got him! I got him! You stink, LaBoot! Damn it! He'll be all right.
Right now he just needs peace and quiet.
Bart sucks! Bart sucks! Bart sucks! Bart sucks! You should all be ashamed! Passing judgment on a child for a sports boo-boo! What have you people ever done? Well, I wrote a best-selling series of mystery novels.
Stephen King called it, "Scary, good fun.
" Besides that.
Now, thanks to you, my special little guy will be haunted by this for the rest of his life.
I always thought that was just a slogan to attract small businesses.
But now I know it's the truth.
Okay, Midge.
You made us feel bad about what we done to your boy, but what can we do about it now? It's not like we can play the game over again.
Can't we? Like I just said, we can't.
- Are you sure? - Open your freakin' ears.
- No! - I think maybe we Could.
And I say, I have difficulty Envisioning it.
Let me get this straight.
You want our boys to play a fake rematch against Springfield so your son can make the catch he missed and feel better about himself.
- Exactly.
- I guess I could, uh, if you pretend to be my fiancie when my mother comes to visit.
Okay.
If you pretend to be our chauffeur at my highschool reunion.
Fine, fine, if you pretend to be a ghost at an old amusement park I'm trying to buy.
- We should stop now.
- Yeah.
You want me to reannounce a game I've already called? Oh, sister, I got too much integrity.
The same integrity Farmer Dan puts into every link sausage.
Then I guess you wouldn't mind eating one.
Of course I wouldn't.
It's not like they're made of skunk tails and horse nipples.
I'll do whatever you say! Just get that death wiener away from me! I'm starting to feel funny about doing this.
Look, we're just going to take our mattress, do a quick sweep of the medicine chest, then we're out of here.
Homer, stop that.
Sorry.
There it is.
Old Bounce an' Giggle.
You put on the Michael Bolton CD.
I'll put on my edible vestments.
Oh, my God! How dare you breakin to our house, defile our bed, and smash our family photos with your foot.
Well, excuse me for being a powerful yet careless lover.
Reverend Lovejoy, our marriage needs this bed.
Our marriage needs it more! Well, I am reminded of the story of wise King Solomon.
You would be.
I wish he hadn't cut it that way.
It looks like a grilled-cheese sandwich.
Or a chicken club.
Or a-a Reuben.
Or a Monte Cristo, or Pull over behind that billboard! Oh! Oh, yeah! You really want to make love on half a mattress behind a billboard? It's like our honeymoon all over again.
We even have the same bum looking at us.
I knew you kids would make it.
Man, you got fat.
So, it's dÃ©ja vu all over again as Springfield needs just one out to win the game and the championship.
Who'd have thunk it? Probably everyone who was here the last time.
I still can't believe it.
They dusted the plate with a non-regulation brush, so we have to play the last inning over again.
I think this time it'll have a happier ending.
Why do you think that? Uh uh They warned me not to talk to you.
- Who warned you? - Nobody! Hello, redemption.
Bart gets another try! Uh, the batter hit it by accident, not by design.
Play ball! Er, uh, that is also a do-over cause, um, er, uh There's a naked idiot on the field.
Woo-hoo! D'oh! Play ball.
I did it! I did it! I did it! Oh.
Yay.
All right.
And the 78th time is the charm! Now, over the left field wall, the real show's about to begin: the glorious sunrise, brought to you by God, the invisible giant you turn to when you're about to die.
Hey, Milhouse, did I ever tell you about the catch I made when I was ten? Greatest moment of my life.
It was a fake, you idiot! We did it to make you feel better.
A fake? Then I did suck.
I-I I do suck! No, that was a fake just now.
You did make the catch.
I knew it! I rule! And you drool! Boy, our son can be a real jerk.
Hey, do you want to have ghost sex? I keep telling you,ghost sex is nothing.
It's worse than nothing.
Then why were you moaning last time? Because I'm a ghost! A ghost!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Crook and Ladder
The Simpsons s18e19 Episode Script
Crook and Ladder
The Simpsons 18x19 (JABF13) - Crook and Ladder - Ooh, the new issue of Smothering Mother Magazine.
Hmm "Are Bees Building Hives in your Diaper Genie? The Deadly Truth about Oxygen.
" Is your Baby a Suckaholic? Experts see new links between pacifier overuse and low achievement.
Maggie, honey, this is for your own good.
Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
It's true.
I've given up everything but raisins.
And the doctor says they're killing me.
Sweet, plump coffin nails is what they are.
Maggie, I'm sorry you miss your pacifier.
But when a mother makes a decision, she has to stick by it.
Okay, okay, you can have it back! I can't believe you listened to this magazine.
It's a Larry Flynt publication! Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
I can't.
I won't! Where's your father with those pacifiers? I couldn't find Maggie's brand, but I got every other kind I could find.
How about Syntho-Nip? Kiddy Cork? Thumbstitute? AccuTeat? Bink 182? Want to suck on the receipt? Make her stop! You make her stop! - I've had her all day! - I can't take it anymore! Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt, Larry Flynt, Larry Flynt?! Good work, boy.
Just for that, we're going to treat your heart murmur, not just "see how it goes".
Oh, stupid baby.
Growing her brain on my dime.
Are you counting sheep all night long? Hm-hmm He needs help! Help from a drug! That help is here.
Meet Nappien.
Nappien activates your brain's napping centers, and attacks your body's awake-agens.
And unlike Sleepia, it won't cause foot fattening or elbow stink.
Ooh! Okay, Nappien, do your stuff.
Hmm, it's not working.
You lousy,worthless piece of Woha.
What a wonderful night's sleep.
Thank you, methasorbizone tartrate, also known as Nappien.
Last night, someone ate all the food in our fridge.
Maybe it was the same person who tied each of the dog's feet to a toy car.
And someone used our videotapes as dominoes.
Homer, I think you dominoed this.
That's ridiculous.
If I had set up those dominoes, I'd be wearing my special domino-setting-up kneepads.
It was you.
How is that possible? I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien--I mean Nappien.
See? "May cause dry mouth, mood swings,and nighttime kookiness.
" Mood swings?! Mood swings.
Mood swings! Mood swings? Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings,mood swings! Mood swings! Nappien, you did it again.
And everything is as it should be.
John Lennon?! Yoko? So you're the one behind all these hijinks at the Rock 'N' Roll Wax Museum.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mr.
Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies? Well, son, your Uncle Homer is like 80% of America wacked out on prescription drugs.
But users are losers.
You're confusing drugs with drugs.
Okay, here's the solution.
I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside, so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
Why don't you just quit taking the pills, you hophead? Because I'm filled with stress! Oh! I have three kids and no money! Why can't I have no kids and three money? Why am I sleeping when right next door is every boy's dream: a fat, suggestible zombie dad? Hey, zombie? Huh? Want to come out and play? Zombie kill.
No, play! Zombie file grievance.
Whoa! Your dad's a zombie? Let's make him give us haircuts.
How does it look? Ooh.
And that's only one of the cool things we're going to do with him.
Zombie montage.
Oh! My stomach is groaning with walnut meat.
Come on.
Just one more.
What the?! My car?! Milhouse?! Nutmeat?! Oh, my God, what have I done?! You've horribly injured the whole fire department! What are you,a travel agent? 'Cause you're sending me on a guilt trip.
Sorry.
Well, our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department, which is bad news for people like this man.
Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you? Oh, not as bad as knowing that somewhere, gays are marrying each other.
That's the real emergency, Kent.
Once again, crisis has brought out the best in us.
I feel kind of responsible.
Maybe I should volunteer to be a fireman.
Volunteer fireman? Count me in.
Just call me Fireman Skinner.
You know, I think I'll volunteer, too.
Why did you say too? Well, I assume I'm not the first one.
It is with great pride that I turn over the safety of this city to the first four people who showed up.
Mm-hmm.
Your sense of civic duty and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are all the training you need or shall receive.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah! We're here to join the volunteer fire department.
You're too late.
Beat it! Lousy civilians.
I wish I could burn 'em all.
Easy there, Fire Chief Moe.
Oh, I can't wait for my first fire.
Is that one? That's just someone barbecuing.
Oh! Is that one? That's a guy with red hair.
D'oh! Sweetheart, come to dinner.
I can't! That fire siren could sound at any moment.
Any moment.
Any moment.
All'altro.
Did I say any moment? Any moment.
What the hell is that? That's the fire siren! Woo-hoo! Marge, when you see me next, I'll be a soggy,smoky hero.
Mmm.
Soggy, smoky hero.
Just come back alive, okay? Don't tell me how to do my job! You save-a Luigi's place ! Mwah ! Mwah ! Luigi give you all the food you want ! On the house ! Hey, this is sweet, huh ? Almost makes up for not gettin' paid.
We don't get what ? Oh, thank you.
Your jaws ofare superior to my movie Jaws of Life.
You guys are the real deal, as opposed to my movie The Real Deal, which was not the real deal.
Well, uh, your thanks makes it all worth it.
No, I must thank you properly with crew jackets from my less successful films.
Total Explosion, Father of the Presi-bot, I Shoot Your Face, I Shoot Your Face Again, Frankenberry the Movie 2: The Frankenberry Wears Prada.
Ooh, leather arms ! People just give you this stuff ? Hey, it's the least they can do after we saved them from being melty-faced weirdoes.
We are entitled to some sort of compensation.
- After all, we're volunteers.
- That's right, 'Pu.
People owe us because we're heroes.
It's even on my business card.
I printed them on the back of my old business cards.
See ? It's different.
Mr.
Burns, jump into this net ! What's in it for me ? Just jump! So, I see by your tie you're a Yale man, too.
Let's croon, shall we ? Boola, boola, boola, boola Well done, gentlemen.
Too bad Smithers didn't make it.
- I'm right here, sir.
- Excellent.
But since I thought you were dead, you won't get paid this week.
Make a note of it.
Well, that doesn't quite seem fair.
But you four, you're the real heroes.
- Oh, we don't need - It was nothing, really.
Just doing our job.
- What do you think he will give us ? - Fine art, I bet.
No, no, no, the complete Munsters on DVD ! I hope it's spaghetti.
Thank you, and good-bye.
- Wha? - Wha? Huh ? Ta-ta, toodle-loo.
Go back to your tenements, where the O'Briens live next to the Goldbergs, who rub elbows with Antonellis, and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot ! Oh, how I hate you ! Bye-bye.
Of all the nerve.
Burns stiffed us ! I can't believe he acted completely in character.
Lousy Burns, so ungrateful.
I hate himso much.
Hold on a second, fellas.
I don't like the looks of that flaming ember.
I'd better blow it out.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hmm.
Hmm ? Oh, the fire has spread to this room full of valuables.
And it's our duty to follow it.
Well, the fire's out, but, uh I think some of these valuables are smoke-damaged.
He's not gonna want 'em.
Heh-heh-heh.
Moe, are you suggesting that we should steal ? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It ain't stealing if you take it fast.
Gentlemen, I'd like to thank you.
- You've saved my store.
- Well, most of it.
What do you mean ? Uh, well, your building will be fine, but unfortunately, a lot of your merchandise was completely vaporized: high-end stereo equipment, size 10 men's shoes And some stuff I wanted.
Oh, my.
I didn't think the damage was that bad.
But you must be telling the truth.
You're firemen, after all.
Yeah, we're awesome.
This'll make a great toilet seat.
Uh, gentleman, I'm, uh I'm starting to wonder if we've crossed a line here.
Just what are you getting at ? Yeah, Hall Pass.
You better not be thinking of ratting us out.
It would be a shame if the next fire you fought was in hell ! Okay, okay.
I'll just look the other way.
You guys sure aren't making this easy.
Oh, thank God there's a fire.
Marge's birthday's coming up.
I think what she would treasure most is a gift bought through honest effort because integrity trust exploitation the golden rule role models seriousrime zero tolerance the Ten Commandments Next time Maggie does that in a pool, tell me quietly; don't announce it.
But, Mom, the lifeguards have to know.
Just let the chemicals deal with it.
Look at me ! I'm a fireman ! Hey, Mom, can we go see Dad put out the fire ? Well, I guess every boy should see his father as a hero.
Hey, guys, check out the radical-free air generated bymy stolen Ionic Breeze.
Oh, bogus gizmo, grant me eternal life.
Mom, is Dad stealing from people he's supposed to help ? King of thieves, we worship you.
He is stealing ! Look at me, guys ! I'm stealing five Segways at once ! And speaking of segues, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity! You're nothing but a diabolical master thief! The kind that haunts the slopes of Saint Moritz or the casinos of Monte Carlo ! We're not thieves; we're scavengers, like the beautiful vulture or the heroic tapeworm, or America's sweetheart, the maggot.
You should've seenthe faces o four children when they caught you stealing.
Kids, get in here and show your father the face ! Make them stop ! You make them stop by doing the right thing.
Sadyes Turn the other way I don't want to see you cry Sad eyes You knew there'd come a day When we wouldhave to say good-bye Sad eyes.
Moe, can we talk ? Are you crazy ? It's 500 degrees in here ! Oh, no, wait, it's only 495.
What's on your mind? - Moe, I think we may have perverted - Go on.
our duties as firemen.
First Skinner, now you.
Well, maybe you got a point.
Maybe we A solid gold grandfather clock ! Oh ! This thing's hotter than Ellen Barkin ! Moe, I can save you, but you have to let go of the clock ! But it's been in my family for over 40 seconds ! Wait, wait, wait,wait, wait ! What about Nabu ? Apu is dead.
I was reincarnated as this cat.
Oh, you have just been Apu'd ! My baby ! My baby ! Could do worse than grow up to be like you, sir.
Let's hear it for Homer ! So Daddy saved Apu and Moe.
And believe me, we learned our lesson.
What'd you do with all the loot ? We sent it to skid row, where it would do the most good.
Look at me.
I'm the bum of the future !
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Crook and Ladder
The Simpsons s18e19 Episode Script
Crook and Ladder
The Simpsons 18x19 (JABF13) - Crook and Ladder - Ooh, the new issue of Smothering Mother Magazine.
Hmm "Are Bees Building Hives in your Diaper Genie? The Deadly Truth about Oxygen.
" Is your Baby a Suckaholic? Experts see new links between pacifier overuse and low achievement.
Maggie, honey, this is for your own good.
Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
It's true.
I've given up everything but raisins.
And the doctor says they're killing me.
Sweet, plump coffin nails is what they are.
Maggie, I'm sorry you miss your pacifier.
But when a mother makes a decision, she has to stick by it.
Okay, okay, you can have it back! I can't believe you listened to this magazine.
It's a Larry Flynt publication! Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
I can't.
I won't! Where's your father with those pacifiers? I couldn't find Maggie's brand, but I got every other kind I could find.
How about Syntho-Nip? Kiddy Cork? Thumbstitute? AccuTeat? Bink 182? Want to suck on the receipt? Make her stop! You make her stop! - I've had her all day! - I can't take it anymore! Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt, Larry Flynt, Larry Flynt?! Good work, boy.
Just for that, we're going to treat your heart murmur, not just "see how it goes".
Oh, stupid baby.
Growing her brain on my dime.
Are you counting sheep all night long? Hm-hmm He needs help! Help from a drug! That help is here.
Meet Nappien.
Nappien activates your brain's napping centers, and attacks your body's awake-agens.
And unlike Sleepia, it won't cause foot fattening or elbow stink.
Ooh! Okay, Nappien, do your stuff.
Hmm, it's not working.
You lousy,worthless piece of Woha.
What a wonderful night's sleep.
Thank you, methasorbizone tartrate, also known as Nappien.
Last night, someone ate all the food in our fridge.
Maybe it was the same person who tied each of the dog's feet to a toy car.
And someone used our videotapes as dominoes.
Homer, I think you dominoed this.
That's ridiculous.
If I had set up those dominoes, I'd be wearing my special domino-setting-up kneepads.
It was you.
How is that possible? I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien--I mean Nappien.
See? "May cause dry mouth, mood swings,and nighttime kookiness.
" Mood swings?! Mood swings.
Mood swings! Mood swings? Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings,mood swings! Mood swings! Nappien, you did it again.
And everything is as it should be.
John Lennon?! Yoko? So you're the one behind all these hijinks at the Rock 'N' Roll Wax Museum.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mr.
Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies? Well, son, your Uncle Homer is like 80% of America wacked out on prescription drugs.
But users are losers.
You're confusing drugs with drugs.
Okay, here's the solution.
I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside, so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
Why don't you just quit taking the pills, you hophead? Because I'm filled with stress! Oh! I have three kids and no money! Why can't I have no kids and three money? Why am I sleeping when right next door is every boy's dream: a fat, suggestible zombie dad? Hey, zombie? Huh? Want to come out and play? Zombie kill.
No, play! Zombie file grievance.
Whoa! Your dad's a zombie? Let's make him give us haircuts.
How does it look? Ooh.
And that's only one of the cool things we're going to do with him.
Zombie montage.
Oh! My stomach is groaning with walnut meat.
Come on.
Just one more.
What the?! My car?! Milhouse?! Nutmeat?! Oh, my God, what have I done?! You've horribly injured the whole fire department! What are you,a travel agent? 'Cause you're sending me on a guilt trip.
Sorry.
Well, our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department, which is bad news for people like this man.
Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you? Oh, not as bad as knowing that somewhere, gays are marrying each other.
That's the real emergency, Kent.
Once again, crisis has brought out the best in us.
I feel kind of responsible.
Maybe I should volunteer to be a fireman.
Volunteer fireman? Count me in.
Just call me Fireman Skinner.
You know, I think I'll volunteer, too.
Why did you say too? Well, I assume I'm not the first one.
It is with great pride that I turn over the safety of this city to the first four people who showed up.
Mm-hmm.
Your sense of civic duty and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are all the training you need or shall receive.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah! We're here to join the volunteer fire department.
You're too late.
Beat it! Lousy civilians.
I wish I could burn 'em all.
Easy there, Fire Chief Moe.
Oh, I can't wait for my first fire.
Is that one? That's just someone barbecuing.
Oh! Is that one? That's a guy with red hair.
D'oh! Sweetheart, come to dinner.
I can't! That fire siren could sound at any moment.
Any moment.
Any moment.
All'altro.
Did I say any moment? Any moment.
What the hell is that? That's the fire siren! Woo-hoo! Marge, when you see me next, I'll be a soggy,smoky hero.
Mmm.
Soggy, smoky hero.
Just come back alive, okay? Don't tell me how to do my job! You save-a Luigi's place ! Mwah ! Mwah ! Luigi give you all the food you want ! On the house ! Hey, this is sweet, huh ? Almost makes up for not gettin' paid.
We don't get what ? Oh, thank you.
Your jaws ofare superior to my movie Jaws of Life.
You guys are the real deal, as opposed to my movie The Real Deal, which was not the real deal.
Well, uh, your thanks makes it all worth it.
No, I must thank you properly with crew jackets from my less successful films.
Total Explosion, Father of the Presi-bot, I Shoot Your Face, I Shoot Your Face Again, Frankenberry the Movie 2: The Frankenberry Wears Prada.
Ooh, leather arms ! People just give you this stuff ? Hey, it's the least they can do after we saved them from being melty-faced weirdoes.
We are entitled to some sort of compensation.
- After all, we're volunteers.
- That's right, 'Pu.
People owe us because we're heroes.
It's even on my business card.
I printed them on the back of my old business cards.
See ? It's different.
Mr.
Burns, jump into this net ! What's in it for me ? Just jump! So, I see by your tie you're a Yale man, too.
Let's croon, shall we ? Boola, boola, boola, boola Well done, gentlemen.
Too bad Smithers didn't make it.
- I'm right here, sir.
- Excellent.
But since I thought you were dead, you won't get paid this week.
Make a note of it.
Well, that doesn't quite seem fair.
But you four, you're the real heroes.
- Oh, we don't need - It was nothing, really.
Just doing our job.
- What do you think he will give us ? - Fine art, I bet.
No, no, no, the complete Munsters on DVD ! I hope it's spaghetti.
Thank you, and good-bye.
- Wha? - Wha? Huh ? Ta-ta, toodle-loo.
Go back to your tenements, where the O'Briens live next to the Goldbergs, who rub elbows with Antonellis, and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot ! Oh, how I hate you ! Bye-bye.
Of all the nerve.
Burns stiffed us ! I can't believe he acted completely in character.
Lousy Burns, so ungrateful.
I hate himso much.
Hold on a second, fellas.
I don't like the looks of that flaming ember.
I'd better blow it out.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hmm.
Hmm ? Oh, the fire has spread to this room full of valuables.
And it's our duty to follow it.
Well, the fire's out, but, uh I think some of these valuables are smoke-damaged.
He's not gonna want 'em.
Heh-heh-heh.
Moe, are you suggesting that we should steal ? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It ain't stealing if you take it fast.
Gentlemen, I'd like to thank you.
- You've saved my store.
- Well, most of it.
What do you mean ? Uh, well, your building will be fine, but unfortunately, a lot of your merchandise was completely vaporized: high-end stereo equipment, size 10 men's shoes And some stuff I wanted.
Oh, my.
I didn't think the damage was that bad.
But you must be telling the truth.
You're firemen, after all.
Yeah, we're awesome.
This'll make a great toilet seat.
Uh, gentleman, I'm, uh I'm starting to wonder if we've crossed a line here.
Just what are you getting at ? Yeah, Hall Pass.
You better not be thinking of ratting us out.
It would be a shame if the next fire you fought was in hell ! Okay, okay.
I'll just look the other way.
You guys sure aren't making this easy.
Oh, thank God there's a fire.
Marge's birthday's coming up.
I think what she would treasure most is a gift bought through honest effort because integrity trust exploitation the golden rule role models seriousrime zero tolerance the Ten Commandments Next time Maggie does that in a pool, tell me quietly; don't announce it.
But, Mom, the lifeguards have to know.
Just let the chemicals deal with it.
Look at me ! I'm a fireman ! Hey, Mom, can we go see Dad put out the fire ? Well, I guess every boy should see his father as a hero.
Hey, guys, check out the radical-free air generated bymy stolen Ionic Breeze.
Oh, bogus gizmo, grant me eternal life.
Mom, is Dad stealing from people he's supposed to help ? King of thieves, we worship you.
He is stealing ! Look at me, guys ! I'm stealing five Segways at once ! And speaking of segues, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity! You're nothing but a diabolical master thief! The kind that haunts the slopes of Saint Moritz or the casinos of Monte Carlo ! We're not thieves; we're scavengers, like the beautiful vulture or the heroic tapeworm, or America's sweetheart, the maggot.
You should've seenthe faces o four children when they caught you stealing.
Kids, get in here and show your father the face ! Make them stop ! You make them stop by doing the right thing.
Sadyes Turn the other way I don't want to see you cry Sad eyes You knew there'd come a day When we wouldhave to say good-bye Sad eyes.
Moe, can we talk ? Are you crazy ? It's 500 degrees in here ! Oh, no, wait, it's only 495.
What's on your mind? - Moe, I think we may have perverted - Go on.
our duties as firemen.
First Skinner, now you.
Well, maybe you got a point.
Maybe we A solid gold grandfather clock ! Oh ! This thing's hotter than Ellen Barkin ! Moe, I can save you, but you have to let go of the clock ! But it's been in my family for over 40 seconds ! Wait, wait, wait,wait, wait ! What about Nabu ? Apu is dead.
I was reincarnated as this cat.
Oh, you have just been Apu'd ! My baby ! My baby ! Could do worse than grow up to be like you, sir.
Let's hear it for Homer ! So Daddy saved Apu and Moe.
And believe me, we learned our lesson.
What'd you do with all the loot ? We sent it to skid row, where it would do the most good.
Look at me.
I'm the bum of the future !
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot
The Simpsons s18e20 Episode Script
Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot
The Simpsons 18x20 (JABF12) - Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot - Pearls are not oyster barf Oh, man, I love Oktoberfest.
Oktoberfest! Sorry, sir, this is a harvest festival.
No alcohol.
I'm gonna have to confiscate those steins.
Springfield squash the most fibrous variety of yellow squash.
We drove 50 miles to look at a stupid pile of vegetables? That's it, buster.
You just bought yourself ten minutes watching that man make a wagon wheel.
Yes'm.
Wagon wheels were the Internet of the 19th century! Really? No.
Hmm! This winning cornu copia is magnificent.
Styrofoam? You stuffed your horn?! What? Everybody does it.
No, no, no, no noooo! Noooo! I can testify at the trial.
Ain't gon' be no trial.
Ooh, look! Pine cone first ladies.
Where the hell is Abigail Adams?! Oh, there she is.
Where the hell is Mary Todd Lincoln?! Oh, she's right there.
Where the hell is Ida Saxton McKinley?! Oh, I see.
Where the hell is? Dad, look.
A corn maze! The A-Maize-Ing Maize Maze "Betcha can't solve our maze.
" Puh! I didn't come here to be insulted.
We're leaving! Mm! Sure is a lot of corn in this parking lot.
Dad, we're in the maze.
D'oh! Dad, why don't you throw me in the air, and I can see which way is out? Corn.
More corn.
Another kid getting thrown in the air.
Witch's coven.
Seattle Space Needle.
Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You Oh, I'm getting dizzy.
And corn again.
Maybe we should split up.
Split up?! Marge, no! We can fix this marriage! No, no, I didn't mean Fine, you want out? Then go! I can make it on my own! Before I met you, I had friends and dreams! I was talking about Oh, please take me back.
The dating scene is a nightmare.
I'm begging you! I just meant we should split up to get out of this corn maze.
Deep down, I I guess I knew that.
Now there must be a way out! Of our marriage?! I don't want to live! I don't want to live! Hey, this maze is made of corn! I'm so sick of being lost.
To hell with maze etiquette! I'm walking straight outta here! Electrified for your enjoyment.
Damn it! Signs also electrified.
How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me? Finally! I knew we could solve that maze using Tremaux's algorithm.
Told you.
No, you didn't.
Your plan was to burn the corn.
That was never my plan.
I'm lost and I'm starving! Eat some corn! I don't have any holders! Now, don't worry, ma'am.
We'll send a member of our elite canine unit in to find yourhusband's corpse.
Uh, living corpse.
Say hello to Officer Jaws! Chief, I'm afraid Officer Jaws is guilty of littering and here's the litter! Okay, everyone Puppy party at my house! Oh! Don't worry! Our dog will find my dad! We need you, boy! We need you, boy! Good boy! Now go find Homer! He needs something with your father's scent.
Maybe there's something in Dad's backpack.
A sports bra? He just needs it for walking upstairs.
This maze is too hard for me.
To my wife Marge.
In case I don't make it, here are my Oscar picks for next year Best Sound Effects Editing:the team from Huh? Ahh Dad! Your dog's quite a tracker.
Say, has he ever thought about a career in law enforcement? Um, I don't think he's ever thought about anything.
Santa's Little Helper would be an awesome police dog.
Can he, Dad? Can he? No, and never bring it up again! - Please, can he? - All right.
Boy, it is going to be so cool when you're a police dog.
Good boy! Now, transform.
Cool.
All right, listen up.
For the next two weeks,I'm gonna be your worst enemy, except this Thursday is the Fourth of July, so we'll take Friday off as well.
Well, I guess Wednesday everybody's going to be thinking about the long weekend, soeh, what the hell? Why don't we just takethe whole week off? Why did you let me do that? We are so far behind.
Nice work, canines.
Bring in the next group.
Uh, should I get this blow back to the cage, Chief? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Blow"? "Cage"? You're in uniform, Lou.
Don't slang it up.
It is my privilege to welcome this fine group of animals into the Springfield Police Force.
Keep your noses clean and your hearts free of worms.
Listen to me, rook,these streets are hard.
It ain't like Air Bud V: Strong Arm Of The Paw.
Attention all units: domestic disturbance in progress at Rural Route 27.
Domestic disturbance?! You're gonna have one hell of a first day, boy.
Squeak 'em if you got 'em.
You gave that hog a day of beauty, and I didn't get nothing! Manicure pedicure exfoliation! Don't worry, boy, she just knocked a few fleas off you.
You're gonna be okay.
We need backup now! Cletus, you coward! Is you man or turtle? Here's your answer.
Skittle, skittle,scurry, skittle.
Okay, since the dog's not here, I'm gonna take you for a walk.
What's the matter, Bart ? Oh, I miss Santa's Little Helper.
I wanted him to be a police dog, but now he has no time for me.
I even have to eat my own homework.
Hey, could you set us up down here? Easy there, pal.
We just started our shift.
Attention K-9 unit.
We got an 866 in progress at the park.
Over.
Chief, why are you using the walkie-talkie? I can hear you fine.
Fine.
Let's not use any of our police equipment.
So, uh, you got any steroids? Oh, you know it.
I can make you huge.
I want to pump my guns.
I want to rip my pecs.
I want to shriv my nards.
"Nards," that's what we needed to hear.
Freeze! Nobody ever freezes.
Might as well just say "run.
" Catch me if you can, little bowwow.
No! Nice work partner.
You stand accused of giving hope to scrawny young men.
- How do you plead? - Guilty of being innocent! Well, I'm afraid, because of this improperly filled-out police report, I have no choice but to let you go.
Case dismissed.
Ho-ho! Don't worry, dude, I'm going straight straight to my customers to sell more drugs.
Listen, man, you got to let it go.
Relax for a couple days with your family.
Come back fresh on Monday.
Boy, you're back! Ow ! You bit me! My own dog bit me! I can't believe it.
My own dog bit me.
Now that he's had a taste of human flesh, the dog will be a slave to its succulence.
Look at him eyeing me.
He knows I taste best.
Don't blame the dog, folks.
A cop's life is so tense, he has to channel it somewhere.
Me, I knit violent imagery.
Pretty grim, huh? Oh, I love Santa's Little Helper, but I don't know if we can have him in our home anymore.
Mom, you can't send him away! He's a dog, not Grandpa! What if Santa's Little Helper stops being a police dog, then he can get a nonviolent job like barking songs on novelty Christmas records.
You can do it, boy! No, boy, that's Hanukah! Forget it, kid.
He's a cop now.
Well, I bet he can't resist this.
Fetch, boy! My God! I've lost him.
Homer! Oh, relax, Marge.
I'm just messing with you.
I know I'm not a dog.
I'm a people, like you.
Homer, it's just Flanders.
You know him.
You're going to live with me now 'cause 'cause only cops understand cops.
Hey, Lou, want to party tonight? Oh, not tonight, Sharquelle.
I'm hanging out with my new roommate.
Oh, my God! A police dog! Oh, I have a friend who would love him.
Okay, but just remember: They don't love us.
They just love the uniform.
All right, now, who's going with who? I don't want a new dog.
I want my old dog.
The one who bit me.
Cheer up, boy.
We'll get you their most vicious street cur! He'll bite your ass raw! No street curs! That's it! I want a snake! Oh, no problem, pally.
Our pythons cost five dollars a foot.
We're not made of money! All right.
He is so awesome.
I already love him more than I love Lisa.
It says here don't bother naming them.
Snakes have poor hearing, and only live to strangle.
I like it.
"Strangles.
" Hey, Lis, you want to touch Strangles? He's not slimy at all.
He's scaly.
Eww! He is slimy! That's because I soaked him in slime! Why, you little I'll teach you to trick your sister ! Homer, can you breathe? Well, I can breathe out okay.
Don't give snake attention.
It's what he really wants ! I'm okay.
After months of practice, I have trained my rabbit to hop in perfect tempo to Mussorgsky's immortal Pictures at an Exhibition.
Now for some hip-hop we can all get down with! Bart Simpson, you can't bring a python to school! Hey, don't ask me to show if you can't handle the tell.
Well, I'm going to show you to the principal, and tell him all about it.
Mine was as funny as his.
No one's arguing with you, lady.
Now, can we just learn something? The snake's getting away! The snake must be in there.
You miss him, don't you? Lou, he's got to get over it.
I miss Shamrock Shakes, but they ain't coming back till March! You know, Chief,Shamrock Shakes are just vanilla shakes colored green.
I taste the flavor.
It's a very mild mint.
Well, maybe, because it's a minty color, your mind is fooling your tongue.
I know what I taste! I got to go with the chief on this one.
Whoa! There's a big surprise.
Hey, Lou, what's your favorite thing in the world, so I can dump all over that? Time for a head count.
Children, line up according to height.
No, weight.
No, the sum total of the letters in your last name if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet.
Quickly, now! Deadly toxic cloud! Deadly toxic cloud! Bart's missing.
He must still be in the school! No, boy! It's too dangerous! Let him go, Lou.
He's not following his nose this time.
He's following his heart.
Sometimes I forget why you're chief, but I remember now! You follow your heart, boy! Here, Strangles! Strangles? Oh, man, it's like some chemicals cut one.
Strangles, you came to save me! Santa's Little Helper, you came, too! Sorry, but a boy's got to go with his dog.
If he hurts you again, don't call me.
Who am I kidding, I'll always be there for you.
And saved! Hero cop saves boy! Hero cop saves boy! Oh, I knew you loved me, boy! Now you can be my dog again.
Don't worry.
I'll give ya a home.
That'll do, snake.
That'll do.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  24 Minutes
The Simpsons s18e21 Episode Script
24 Minutes
The Simpsons 18x21 (JABF14) - 24 Minutes - Previously on 24 I mean The Simpsons : Behold our new state-of-the-art weapon in the global war against mis behavior.
CTU the Counter Truancy Unit! I've got something! Head Hall Monitor Loves Poneis / Hates Phonies The sixth-grade security camera shows three empty desks.
Enhance! Skinner Stinks Dehance! Dehance! Principal / Mama's Boy I ran the attendance protocols.
Here are your three missing students: Hmm.
Good work, Database.
We helped.
Whoa.
This is the source of the stench.
Hey.
Get your own yogurt.
ATM User Devoted Father of Two Vile curd.
Simpson, you can take your putrid mess far out of my sight, you song-less land whale.
Whoo-hoo! Business trip! Simpson! I'll teach you to make a Poupon "me.
" If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage.
Springfield elementary bake sale friday 3 p.
m, The school's havinga bake sale today?! At 3:00?! - Unemployed.
- I promised them a cake.
I've only got 27 minutes.
The pre-heat is on.
The following takes place between 2:34 p.
m.
and 3:04 p.
m.
Or maybe it's a.
m.
Whichever one is the morning one, it's not that one.
Apu, I'm returning a yogurt I wasn't a hundred percent satisfied with.
Mmm? Ooh.
Oh my God! If a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby, and the baby puked, and a dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog! I'll give you any yogurt in the store, just take that thing with you when you go! Let's spit in the coffee pots.
I call hazelnut.
Truants moving into the Kwik-E-Mart.
I've got a visual.
Ugh! That yogurt is toxic.
It's just what we've been looking for.
Now this crossword's nothin' but swears.
We've got what we need.
Milhouse, bring them in.
Roger that.
And Lisa, if I don't make it back, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
I already read it.
We've all read it.
Wait, Milhouse, hold your position.
Something doesn't add up.
Look what the bullies could have stolen Big Chief Rotten Cheeks Chewing Tobacco a take-a-penny tray with a quarter in it.
So why steal the yogurt? We have to find out what they're up to.
Hmm Milhouse, change of plan observe and follow.
Permission to buy a Hostess fruit pie to keep my strength up? Denied.
Hey Milhouse, who are you spying on? Those bullies? Huh? What about the fat guy? Hey, lay off.
You're the fat one of you guys! I'm bulking up for football! I'm still alive.
You call that playing to win? Mr.
Simpson, I'm scared.
This is our life now, Milhouse.
We're Dumpster folk.
I've lost Milhouse.
He'll be somewhat missed.
Who do we send now? Principal Skinner, you know we have only one agent who stands a chance with those bullies.
My brother.
Lord, give me guidance.
That's right, the Guidance Department Detention Room.
Thank you, Mrs.
Lord.
Hmm? All out? I can't make my famous raisin sponge-cake without raisins.
Kids love the zing of raisins! If I help you, I want full immunity for all pranks past and future, and you have to teach me a swear word I don't already know.
No deal.
Okay, suit yourself.
It's not like you have any major events coming up that the bullies would want to disrupt.
The bake sale! Principal Skinner, as we both know, but you might need reminding, the annual bake sale provides of the school's funding.
Okay, you have a deal, you conniving little Wow, that's a swear? Used as a noun it is.
Sweet! Now I'm going to need some wheels.
Yes, of course.
I think we can wrangle you a used bicycle.
Do you prefer Schwinn or Huffy? Bart? Where did he? My car keys! Road kill, burnt hair, my sister's retainer case, six weeks of bottled farts, possum placenta, sweat from a walk-around Goofy suit.
And finally, T.
C.
B.
Y.
that container of botulized yogurt.
Okay, everyone, masks on.
Gentlemen, we've created the mother of all stink bombs.
Most satisfactory.
Jimbo, sweetie, I have to run to the bank.
Are you boys going to be okay alone? Put a top on, Mom! Everyone's seen your implants.
But the doctor said the air will help them Just go! Lookin' good, Carol! I saw it first! You are such a liar! You give that to me! Must escape.
Springfield Elementary is about to be Stinkfield Elementary.
Lisa, they're going to put a stink bomb in the school.
I might be able to stop them, but I'll need a schematic of Jimbo's house.
Jimbo drew a couple of pictures of his house in second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy.
The teacher gave him a frowny-face.
I'm so proud of us.
You got Jimbo.
They're on to you, Jimbo! Get out of there! Scram boiled eggs would be lovely for breakfast, Mother.
Just go! Quickly! We're busted! Thanks, mole.
Now make your split-screen vanish.
Will do! Ooh! Damn it, these blue prints are all wrong.
Where's the roller coaster room and the shark tank? Ooh.
Huh? Son of a beach ball, they're gone! I've got a man down! Well, not a man.
A very special boy.
Chloe, I need those schematics now! What? Who is this? I'm Jack Bauer.
Who the hell are you? Me? Uh, I'm Ahmed Adoody.
Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoody.
Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoody? Ahmed Adoody, wealthy Saudi financier.
Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Really? No, Jack, it's a joke name.
You're being set up.
Damn it! Now, let's see.
the equivalent of five minutes at Let's see Now to make the folded index card that goes in front of the cake.
D'oh! No! Oh.
Pink frosting fixes everything.
Say, is your butt numb from all this vibrating? Oh, mine is.
Still, I wouldn't describe it as unpleasant.
Well, let's get some shut-eye.
Ooh, it's that bar I like! Wait here in the car.
Ow! Okay, this might hurt a little.
No problem.
Oh, sweet mother of Mary! Okay, Milhouse, what do you want to do? Well, the school's havinga bake sale.
Old Betsy'll get us there.
We are projecting aneffective stink radius farther than any of uscan kick a kickball.
Sir, we have to call off this bake sale now! Yes, yes, yes,we have to do something.
Although, the basketball hoops have been retracted.
D.
J.
Fun-times has already cashed his deposit, and Superintendent Chalmers won't be happy to hear I won't be happy tohear what, Seymour? Um, that, uh, bake sale revenue projections are through the roof! I'm very happy to hear that.
You don't know me at all.
We have to find those bullies before the bake sale starts.
Martin, run a top-down search on the school security grid.
Will do, and you chose the perfect person.
The stink bomb! I can't let anyone see it! Martin, anything? I wish.
This is as boring as mainstream cinema.
So true.
Cops.
Act natural.
Hello, Officer! Oh, afternoon, ma'am.
What is it about a woman in a Dumpster? Wait! Mr.
Simpson! My cake! They're gonna wish the bake sale was a nose plug sale.
And it totally isn't.
Teens? In Willie's hidey hole? I'll mop up your blood from the inside! We have a fire alarm in the ventilation room! I'll check it out.
Skip, skip, skip to my Lou Top of the morning, Nelson.
And to you, Martin.
Skip to my Lou, my darling.
Hey, Nelson, what gives? Martin just skipped past you singing "Skip to my Lou", and you did nothing.
Can't a guy enjoy a catchy tune? Ow! Ow! I'm unclear on what you want! Is Martin working for Jimbo? Uh Ow! Yes.
Yes what? Ow! Yes, sir.
Lisa, are you on a secure line? I am.
You're on a Bluetooth cell phone, the most vulnerable device known to man.
But it looks so cool.
Listen, there's a mole inside CTU.
A mole?! Yes, a mole.
Now, I don't have much time, so I'm just gonna come right out and say his name, so get ready to know his name.
His name is the following: M Skip, skip, skip to my Lou.
Rice Krispie Treats?! Way to phone it in, Sarah Wiggum.
Excuse me, excuse me, I'm in the sale.
I'm in the sale.
Okay, I kept my end of the deal.
Release my friends.
All here, from Asimov to Zarathustra.
Where's Phobos?! He's with us now.
We're out of here.
Smell you later.
Three minutes later, to be exact.
What have I done? Raisin cake.
Who wants raisin cake? Don't worry, it's not too moist.
Hmm? Can I have some more money? I gave you ten dollars.
All the other moms gave their husbands twenty.
Well, all the other husbands don't come home dirty from fighting.
I had to fight.
Lenny said his dad is Hulk Hogan, and I know he's not.
Here's five more dollars.
Bart, are you all right? Bart?! Hey, I'm fine.
They haven't made a French horn yet that can hurt me.
Now, I'm sending you a picture of the bomb.
My God.
That's a class-fives tench-dispersal unit.
We have to shortout that fan.
"H.
D.
W.
" What's that? That's the main valve of the hot dog water recirculation system.
There's over 30 years of wiener soakings in there.
Lis, you have to release that water.
It's the only wayto short out the fan.
But you and Willie will drown.
Possibly, but I can't risk Superintendent Chalmers finding out about Finding out about what, Seymour? Um, about how early press coverage of the bake sale is uniformly positive.
Once again, you have thoroughly misgauged my response.
This is going on your permanent record.
The hot dog water's going to push us into the fan! And I just sharpened those blades.
Skip to my Loumy darling.
Bart, I've got an idea.
As you're dying, jam the blades with your spine.
Keep pitching.
I'll be back.
Look! A window to a child's watery grave! Don't worry, I'll free the boy.
Damn it! This glass is bulletproof.
There's nothing that can shatter it.
Yes, there is! Huh? Ooh, a thermos.
With seven cups of coffee still in it.
Oh, wait, six.
Dad, that's a bomb! Here! It's yours! How do I stop it? Oh, that's convenient.
Thank goodness this crisis was averted.
Nicely done, Lisa.
Hey, what about me? I almost died, and so did Willie.
Oh, leave me be.
I don't want to live if I have to clean up this mess.
Oh, my special little guy.
I'm so glad you're okay.
Oh, I'm just glad you taste like hot dogs.
Good work, Lisa! What about me? Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me.
All units, move in.
I pulled every single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice.
It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.
It's okay, that was Shelbyville.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 18  >  You Kent Always Say What You Want
The Simpsons s18e22 Episode Script
You Kent Always Say What You Want
Come on, everybody.
Time for the family portrait.
Let's bunch together now.
Here we go.
Move it! Perfecto.
Everybody smile.
I'm going to set the automatic timer.
Almost ready.
Here we go.
- Let's get this show on the road, man.
We got things to do.
- Yeah, Dad.
- Okay, here we go.
- Make room for Jumbo.
- What'd you say? - Nothing.
- All right everybody, squeeze in real tight.
I want to get us all in the picture this time.
Closer.
Closer! Okay, hold still.
This is the last picture on the roll.
Praise the Lord.
- Watch your mouth, you little smart-ass.
- Yeah, Bart.
Nothing's going to ruin this one.
The timer's a-ticking.
- Bart's making faces, Dad.
- Bart! This one's going to be the Simpsons at our finest.
Smile, look cheerful.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Why, you little The Simpsons - 18x22 You Kent always says what you want Transcript e Sychfix: Supersimo Revisione: Supersimo Kitty cat.
Elmo.
Watering can.
This is a nightmare.
We're getting blown out of the water.
Uh, what can I say? Maggie and I share a special bond.
School bus? Bart and Lisa? Bart and Lisa are almost home from school, and we have a dentist appointment at 3:00.
Thanks, Maggie.
We win by forfeit.
The sweetest win there is.
It won't start.
I'll just use Homer's AAA card.
American Applesauce Association? We're going to have to run.
There isn't even time to stretch my quads.
My quads! Every stride is a nightmare! How you holding up, Maggie? Nooooo! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Hey, Marge.
Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! We're gonna make it.
Marge Simpson, I just heard the most delicious piece of gossip.
Tell me later! Oh, hi, kids.
You're just in time to go to the dentist.
Dentist? You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery.
Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.
Hey, suckers, check it out.
Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery.
You're going to the dentist, too, Dad.
Why the cemetery, I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.
Ahhhh Mr.
Simpson, have you been flossing regularly? Absolutely.
All the time.
I go to the floss store and they're like, "Whoa, there he is again.
" - 'Cause I buy so much floss.
- Let's just get started.
Oh, my God! My gums! - They hurt so much! - I haven't started yet.
I know, but a breeze from the window went in my mouth.
You butcher! Don't worry, sweetie.
I'm sure that man has some special tooth problem.
I don't even have a special tooth problem! This is just a routine checkup! Oh, the bib is choking me! It's over? That wasn't so bad.
This tape explains oral hygiene in a way that's exciting for kids.
The U.
S.
dental association presents: Menace tooth society.
Damn, baby got bacteria.
-You want to stick it to these whiteys? - Hey, I'm down with OPP "Ongoing periodontal problems.
" Break it down.
Hey, you low-life degenerates, stop illin' with the fillin'.
Luda-Crest.
I'm the enemy of the cavity Unstoppable like gravity So brush with regularity Or you will face calamity I'll see ya in Atlanta, GA Dirty, dirty mouth, y'all.
This film is against tooth decay, but it also kind of glamorizes it.
Mixed signals, hmm - This is the greatest movie ever.
- Dad, that's Ludicrous! - I have a right to my views.
- No! I mean Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, right here in the dental plaza! Hey, man, that video was made for a onetimeonly showing in Canada, - Understand? Do ya? - I'm sorry.
There must have been some sort of misunder Expect a letter from Cap In The Ass Productions and its head legal counsel, Ms.
Melissa Burlingame! Peace out! Here's a free toothbrush.
Keep those teeth clean.
So you're saying I should do your job for you, at home, for free.
You wish.
Okay, Principal Skinner, I want you to relax.
Just lie completely at ease while I administer the nitrous.
I shall.
The dentist will be here in a minute.
He'll know exactly what he's doing.
Don't resist in any way.
- Good afternoon, Principal Stinkface.
- Dr.
Bart.
Let's see According to your charts, you're due for your annual throat scraping.
Uh-oh, I'm feeling a lot of cooties down there.
We may need to replace a tooth.
Now rinse.
Finally, I'm going to take an X ray, so lie perfectly still for 20 minutes.
Don' you love that clean mouth feeling? Sure do.
- Let's go get ice cream.
- I can't wait to get the freshness out of my mouth.
I'm going to glue my mouth shut with butterscotch.
Oh.
Yay.
- What the hell is a fundae? - It's a sundae that's fun.
I like that, but I'm on a bit of a health kick.
So I'll take the low-fat vanilla with the following mix-ins: Snickles, Gooey Bears, Charlottesville Chew, Nice 'N' Many, Kat Kit, Herschel's Smooches, Mrs.
Bad Bar, and Mi Dudes.
Cup or cone? Uh cone! Congratulations.
You just purchased the one millionth ice-cream cone sold by this store! Oh, my God, this is amazing! Wait, I'm gonna be driving.
I'll go for the cup.
- Dad! - Fine, cone.
What's this?! Tonight onSmartline, a provocative discussion of the Middle East.
.
will not be featured.
Instead, we'll be talking to a man who bought an ice-cream cone.
That's me.
Of course that has nothing to do with the fact that this station and the ice-cream company are owned by the same corporation, but I digress.
All right, let's just get through this.
Mr.
Simpson, tell us how it felt when you bought the fateful treat.
I've never been to war, but I imagine it feels just like your first kill.
The happiness swept me away! That hurt like a ******* - What'd I miss? - Kent Brockman said a horrible swear.
Which one? Uh, I'll Etch-A-Sketch it for you.
Etch sketch Etch sketch Shake it! Shake it! It won't come off.
Where's the hammer? Earlier, on this broadcast I said a word so vile it should only be uttered by Satan himself while sitting on the toilet.
I apologize, and will make a large donation to charities that fight teen cursing.
Good night.
Don't seem so mad.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Did you see my broadcast tonight? Oh, God, no, I get my news from the Internet like every other normal person under 70.
Farewell, dinosaur.
No one saw my show.
So, no one heard my filthy faux pas.
My career is safe.
Well, the important thing is we got through this crisis together.
That makes us friends, right? Uh, hey, look, it's the airport bus.
You should get on it.
Okay.
America West, please.
I can't believe Kent Brockman got away with it.
Back in my day, TV stars couldn't say "booby," "tushie," "burp," "fanny burp," "water closet," "underpants," "dingle-dangle," "Boston marriage," "LBJ," "Titica," "hot dog," or "front lumps"! I'm not sure Brockman's out of the woods yet.
There are a lot of religious watchdog groups out there keeping the world safe from the horror of free expression.
You mean there are losers who spend all day watching TV looking for stuff to complain about? Who'd be lame enough to do that? Okay, Smallville super dog licks himself.
That definitely goes in the naughty pile.
questionable pants fold.
The L Word Used the "L" word.
And now to peruse the local news.
The happiness swept me away.
Oh, that hurt like a God's least favorite word uttered on the public airwaves.
"To: Online Christian Soldiers.
Subject: Televised Super Swear.
" - Daddy, what are you doing? - Imploring people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish a man who meant no harm for something nobody even saw.
That's what I'm doing.
- Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.
- First things first.
The Federal Communications Commission announced today it will launch a full inquiry into garbage-tongued anchorman Kent.
Brockman?! In a related story, Channel Six will demote Brockman to weekend weatherman?! Dear God, this can't be happening.
It's a glorious day here in Springfield.
Light winds, low humidity.
Now, let's check the five-day forecast.
What the?! Even the map thinks you stink, Kent.
In breaking news, the FCC has just handed down a record ten million dollar fine against Channel Six for Kent Brockman's shameful swear-nami.
Ten million dollars?! Looks like Newshound, the Channel Six mascot, is gonna have to go without his lazy-eye surgery.
Sorry, boy.
No, I'm over here.
Over here! I got a treat for you.
Oh! Now he's gonna starve.
Proud of yourself, Kent? Kids, your old pal Krusty has had to make a few cutbacks because of a huge fine levied against the station.
That's a bad thing.
Anyway, we can't afford to pay the voice actors on ltchy and Scratchy, so I'm doing the voices myself.
Roll it.
I'm a cat walking down the street, swinging my arms.
Look, a lady made of dynamite! Wait, I don't know that yet.
How about a smooch? Kablooey! Here comes the mouse, what's-his-name.
That was me that done that.
But it ain't enough, so here's this.
That's what you get for, uh, I don't know, messing with my wife.
And it goes on.
Damn that Brockman! There are only two rules in TV: don't swear, and don't whip it out.
It's not rocket science.
- Kent, can we talk? - I'm not fired, am I? No, no, this station stands by its reporters.
Say, what's that powder in your coffee? Is it cocaine? No, it's Splenda.
Spare me your slang, pusher man.
You're fired! Haw, haw! Your distinguished career is over! Marge, the couch is lumpy! That's because you're sitting on me, you lummox! - Kent Brockman! - I invited him to stay with us for a few days.
His career is ruined.
And I was afraid he might commit you-know-what-icide.
- I'm sorry, Marge, but I won't live under the same roof as a member of the liberal media.
You'll have to excuse him.
He's been watching a lot of Fox News.
Did you know that every day Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain-dead ladies? We have to take in Mr.
Brockman.
He wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't dumped coffee on his lap.
Oh, sure, put down a simple guy like me, who works hard and plays by the rules.
- Dad, you barely go to work at all.
- And you're constantly flouting the law.
I'm willing to change my mind and that makes me great.
You can stay.
But you have to give us an 8X10 for our wall of Casual Acquaintances Who Came to Stay For A While.
Apu sang a song.
What are you gonna do? Can 15 strippers run their own airline? Find out tonight on Fox's newest reality hit, Landing Strip.
Ladies, check out what I can do with the oxygen masks.
What a great show.
Real people with real problems.
This is Fox News with the latest liberal outrage.
It seems liberals want to give NASA the right to abort space missions whenever they feel like it.
Liberals I hate them so much.
One thing I've always wondered, how can Fox News be so conservative when the Fox network keeps airing raunchy shows? They don't fit together.
Liberals hate families.
Liberals Liberals Liberals Liberals Liberals Fox deliberately runs shows that will earn them huge fines which are then funneled through the FCC straight to the Republican party.
Everybody in the media knows it, but no one has the guts to say it.
Not true.
You've got the guts, and I've got a web cam.
This time you can tell the truth.
And swear like a lumberjack who hacked off a leg.
Let's do it.
Whoo-hoo? Liberals? Whoo-hoo? Here we go.
Four, three, two Good evening.
Thank you for inviting me into your laps.
Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel.
Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power.
Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 news.
Demand more of your government.
Demand more of your press.
Fellow primate, this is a wake-up call.
Vote out your so-called representatives.
Reject your corporate masters.
Buy nothing.
Hug your children.
Love the one you're with.
Look at that rabble-rouser.
He's threatening our ill-gotten gains.
Galdarn it! I worked hard to ill-get those gains.
How do we stop him? I could Dracula bite him.
Actually, Krusty and I've been working on a plan to take out Brockman.
- You want to start? - No, why don't you start? - Oh, but you're so good at starting.
- You really think so? - Oh, I know so.
Go on.
- All right.
Do you think there's something going on between those two? To find out, I could turn myself into a bat and follow them around.
Oh, you couldn't even get our pizza orders right.
Every order is half this, half that, it's confusing! Kent, your righteous political commentary rocks.
Yeah, you know how many stars out of five I gave the YouTube of your webcast? Five! And I never give five.
It's true, he never does.
- Mr.
Brockman, you're a huge hit.
- Really? How wide is the web? - World.
- Wow.
Kent, we want to offer you your old job back with a 50% pay increase.
Lisa, close your eyes for two seconds.
One, two I held out as long as I could! I guess there's just no place for truth and bravery in today's media.
True, but there's room for the truth in this household.
Do you want to hear something really bad Kent told me about the Fox network? Of course.
Gosh, Dad, your hands are shaking.
I know.
'Cause this one's really, really bad.
For years now, Fox has been programming shows that the whole family can enjoy.
Oh, my God! You don't suppose they're gonna start entertaing America with hits like House, American Idol and American Idol Results Show.
I'm afraid they might.
But I will not be silenced.
The truth is Okay.
What I was going to say was
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Bonfire of the Manatees
The Simpsons s17e01 Episode Script
Bonfire of the Manatees
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (BUZZING) Oh! (BEEPING) COMMENTATOR: We got a real nail-biter here at Mile High Stadium.
The Broncos down by one, and Come on, Broncos, you can do it.
And I'm joined in the broadcast booth by the stars of ABC's latest reality show Billionaire versus Bear.
Let's review the easy-to-follow rules of your show.
Each of you thought you were in a race to plant the Taco Bell flag at the North Pole.
What you didn't know is, the race was a chase spiced up by the presence of the betrayer.
(GROANING) Well, now, the bear has a surprise for you.
He's not really a bear, he's a tiger! Oh, lookie there! Denver just won the ballgame! Oh, the Broncos won? Why didn't I bet on them like Professor Pigskin told me to? Who's Professor Pigskin? He's a pig who can predict football winners in advance! How is that possible? Because he's got something no gambler's ever had! A system! I've gotten the pamphlet four weeks in a row and every time, the pick-of-the-week has been right on the money.
Oh! I get it.
Every week, they send out two pamphlets, Half picking one team and half picking the other.
Eventually, there's a small group of people who only receive the correct predictions and think Professor Pigskin is always right.
That's when they ask for your money.
(GASPS) I have money! Dad, it's a scam! A scam? Not according to Eddie F.
from Tucson, or Football Millionaire in Beloit, Michigan.
Look, all I'm saying is, you really should think twice before Expiration date, Oh, Professor Pigskin told me to bet on the Raiders, but they look awful! And with 37 starting players out with the flu, the Oakland Raiders have turned to drunks conscripted from local bars.
Spare some change, football dude? (GROANS) Now, you have a good day.
Dad, how much money did you bet? Hey, I didn't bet any of our money.
I just borrowed some from him.
Don't worry.
We can hammer out a payment plan.
Ow! (SOBBING) It's not my fault the Raiders lost! It's Professor Pigskin's! If he mentions that pig again, use two hammers.
But the pig (SCREAMS) Ow! Ow! Now, I do have a way we could settle this debt.
We would like to use your home to shoot an adult film.
Yeah, it's called Lemony Lick-it: A Series of Horny Events.
(GASPS) Marge would kill me! Please! There's got to be something else I can do.
Like mow your lawn every week for two weeks.
I can't do it next week.
Ow! All right! You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
I didn't say anything about gay.
I thought you guys were the gay mafia.
Ow! Oh, they're shooting an adult film at my house tomorrow.
How am I gonna get rid of Marge and the kids? Well, I got these free tickets to Santa's Village.
I know a guy who turns the dead sleigh horses into jerky and sells it to bars.
Ugh! Thanks, Moe! Why would we want to go to Santa's Village? It's August.
I want to see Santa.
He can explain why he gave me a Playstation box with nothing inside but a coloring book.
It got your hopes up, didn't it? Homer, before I take the kids I want you to swear you're not up to something.
I swear.
And I'd also like to know why your hand is in that cast.
Because you look even more beautiful now than the day I married you.
Aw! (FLIES BUZZING) Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas every day.
Closed on Christmas.
Those reindeer look really uncomfortable.
That's because they don't thrive in this environment! Watcha reading, Santa? Torn Clancy's Op-center.
You don't seem very jolly.
Well, Santa got some bad medical news.
Okay Okay And, action! We've been on this spaceship for a hundred years.
When will we ever get to Planet Satisfaction? Hey, Homer, we Wow! Angela Dare! Sultry Stevens! Yeah, what is this, a reunion of Fahrenheit 9-on-1? Guys! Get out of here! Homer, how'd you ever get Marge to go along with this? Look, if you promise never to tell her, I'll let you be in the movie.
We just came over to borrow a board game, but okay.
I've always dreamed of working in an adult film.
I'll run the sound board! And I'll perform in the sex scenes! Merry Christmas! I'm your old pal Frosty the Snowman! In your dreams.
Frosty! Where's your magic top hat? Oh, God, please don't tell Mr.
Roselli I lost my hat again! (WHISTLING) My Christmas present to myself this year was leaving that place early.
Mom, I got a rash where the reindeer licked me.
Huh? When they put Santa in the ambulance, Why'd they pull the blanket all the way up over his head? Look, I know this wasn't the greatest outing but your father meant well, so don't let him know that we didn't (EXCLAIMS) Are you guys almost done? Listen, I got a tattoo of Foghorn Leghorn on my right thigh.
Are we gonna get into any trademark or copyright issues here? 'Cause we could put a Band-Aid on it and say my character just got stabbed.
Relax, three guys'll put their hands on it, okay? Now, everybody is very much in love.
And, action! Homer! Is this a snuggle film? Er You're in the wrong house, lady! How could you allow this? In the room where we do puzzles! (GRUNTS) Oh, uh-uh.
Honey, please, just listen to what I have to say.
All right.
Lowed the mafia money.
Oh! Where are you going? Away from you.
When will you be back? I don't know.
Who's going to watch the kids? You are.
Me? But I'm the father! (ENGINE REVVING) Boy, Homer, I've never seen Mom this mad.
Honey, come back! You didn't say bye to the kids! MARGE: Bye, Bart.
I love you, Lisa.
Sleep tight, Maggie.
Today's the last day you can eat the yogurt in the fridge.
Well, we better go eat that yogurt.
Kids, I'm sure, your mother will be back soon.
She should be back now.
It's dinnertime.
Look, we've been down this road before.
I do something stupid, your mom leaves, we eat waffles.
We're out of waffles.
All we got is ketchup.
You mean Homer's famous marinara sauce? No, I mean ketchup.
Where's your sense of magic and wonder? Come on, Marge.
When are you going to call? (RINGING) Let it ring, play hard to get.
That's hard enough! Oh, my darling, I love you! Please forgive me! MOE: Hey, Homer.
Moe, what are you calling me for? You told me to call.
You wanted to see if your phone was working.
But what if Marge tries to call while I'm talking to you? Ain't you got call waiting? Of course, I have call waiting, you idiot! I just never learned how to use it! Uh-oh, I might have broken the phone.
I better call Moe.
(DIALING) Oh, hey, Homer.
Moe, will you get off the line? (GROANS) I guess I better tell them I'm coming home.
(RINGS) (STAMMERS) Oh, Marge, what a pleasant surprise.
I'm at a rest stop south of Springfield.
I know.
You're sorry now.
Then you'll buy me some Kwik-E-Mart flowers maybe a box of candy, where half the pieces mysteriously have testing bites, and a week later you'll be back to your old thoughtless self.
No, no, it's not going to be like that, I swear.
Ew! Lemon cream.
You're going in the Marge pile.
I mean, I love you so much.
Yeah, I love you, too.
(POUNDING AT DOOR) Hold on.
I'll be off in a minute.
(POUNDING CONTINUES) Listen, buster, I had to buy a club soda I didn't want to get change for this phone.
An oogly-boogly! (ROARING) Be still.
Don't give it the phone.
Settle down, sugar plum.
Look what daddy's got in his pocket.
Yummy, yummy kelp- Good girl, yes, yes.
This animal means you no harm.
She's a sweet old Florida manatee, also known as a sea cow or dugong.
HOMER: Hello, Marge, where do we keep the socks that don't smell like feet? I'll call you back.
I'm Dr.
Caleb Thorn and I would do anything to protect a manatee except harm another manatee.
What if by harming a manatee you could save two manatees? But before you answer, consider this.
The manatee you'd have to harm is pregnant.
Those are the questions that keep me up at night.
(GROANS) I see a manatee the needs a hug.
Ooh! HOMER: Hello, Marge? Does the pizza guy take a check? If so, where do we keep the checks? And lastly, how do you write a check? I think the worst part was when I realized that Homer lied to me.
From what you've told me, it sounds like what your husband did was nothing new.
Exactly.
I have a saying which goes, "You can't teach a manatee any tricks.
" Maybe you could just put a hat on him and say it's a trick.
My point is Homer is the exact same man you married and if there's a problem here, it's that you keep expecting him to change.
Huh! MARGE: He cares so much about those doggone dugongs.
I wish I felt that kind of passion.
Maybe I should join him on his mission.
Hey, lady blue, while you're sitting there staring at the ceiling your boyfriend's in the parking lot with his hands in a walrus.
Yeah, that'll be good for business.
Got to find your mom.
Got to find your mom.
BART: Dad, I promise I'll be good.
Can I get out of the dog carrier? It was hard enough getting you in there.
I'm not letting you out.
Yeah, she came through here.
I believe she was looking to rekindle her passion for life.
Ain't that right, Victor? Yes.
SeÃ±ora left for the coast with a rugged, yet sensitive man of science.
Rugged? Is that the same as handsome? Oh, no, no.
"Handsome" means he look at himself in the mirror all day.
"Rugged" means you look at him.
(SOBBING) Oh! Okay, water monsters, be friendly But not too friendly.
What do I do? Talk to it! Let it know you're not a threat.
Okay.
You know, up close, you're kinda cute.
(RETCH ES) Aw, you're a good thing.
I know it.
Let me clean out your ears.
I've bonded with him! (GIGGLING) Where is he taking me? To his underwater palace.
Just kidding.
It's a lagoon full of bugs.
(MARGE YELLING) Dad, I don't think we're gonna find Mom today.
And I'm sick of eating at restaurant chains I never even heard of like Skobo's and Dim Willie's.
LISA: Ugh! Okay, kids, we'll stop for the day.
I have cousins near here.
We'll stay with them.
Country cousins? Are they rubes? 'Cause I don't cotton to rubes.
Oh! The rubiest.
Oh, look, a new restaurant chain.
Whoo-hoo! Can we say it's my birthday and get free stuff? We'll say it's all our birthdays.
(MUMBLING) (BANJO PLAYING) Cousin Homer, how are you? And this must be Bart and Lisa.
Well, aren't you nice-looking kids.
Hey, do you folks want to see a quilt that's been in our family for five generations? I warned you he was an idiot.
Well, all I need is some moonshine and someone playing the harmonicky and I'm as happy as a pig in plop We're having lasagna and Caesar salad.
Don't laugh.
They're doing the best they can.
So, Homer, how are you? Just great.
Things couldn't be better.
And how is our lovely Marge? She, uh, was killed by a falling air conditioner.
Oh! Why, that's terrible! Ooh, er, it wasn't all bad.
As part of the settlement, her funeral was air conditioned.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the outhouse again.
Well, we don't have an outhouse.
My recording studio! So how are we related again? Our dogs are brothers.
BART: Oh, yeah.
(GASPS) I see Mom! (GIGGLING) I've got my groove back! We've got to tell Dad! Where is he? Oh! You lost that first game to hustle me! (CLUCKING) I can't believe how many manatees we saved today.
And the ones we can't save, we put to good use.
Hmmm.
What am I supposed to do, bury them at Arlington? Marge? Homer? These are for you.
Ooh! Listen, I thought about what I did.
And it was really, really wrong.
I'm sorry.
Homie, I accept your apology.
I love you, Marge.
But I'm not coming back yet.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISBELIEF) I've found a place where I'm needed.
You're needed at home! And treated like I deserve.
You're needed at home! I'm sorry, Home.
I just can't find it in my heart to come back right now.
Well, that's very reasonable.
You stole my wife! I'll kill you! Homer, I have no interest in stealing your wife but Marge is getting something from her work with me.
Something a strong, passionate woman like her needs.
A Purpose.
WOW! I can see why she loves you.
She doesn't love me.
She's just trying to find herself.
(EXHALES) You know everything.
I don't know everything.
I'm just a man.
And what a man! Okay, the key to this thing is the manatees.
Is Marge saving them or killing them? Saving! Okay.
To save the manatees, I guess I could donate my time and money and help them build a Screw that! Dad! Those jet skiers are headed right for a herd of manatees! Check out those gentle, exotic sea creatures.
Let's whomp 'em! (MOTORS REVVING) (ALL LAUGHING) Man, I just wish we could see their tears.
(PANTING) Why don't you pick on someone your own size? They are roughly our size.
In fact, they're bigger than us.
Look, if it were up to me I'd be harassing them with you.
If anything, I'd be the guy who took it too far.
But I love my wife and I want to win her back! You're a brave man.
And we respect two things, bravery and tattoos that look like barbed wire.
Let's go.
(LAUGHS) Rubes! What did you call us? Catch me if you can! Manatees! Defend! (MOTOR REVVING) (YELLING) (GASPS) (HOMER GROANING) Attention jet skiers.
I have a court order here requiring you to vacate these waters.
No court order's gonna tell me what to do.
Oh, man! It's notarized! Let's boogie! Homer, are you okay? How many fingers am I holding up? Poor dumb country mouse.
Can't even count.
(MOANS) My sweet, sweet Homie! You sacrificed yourself for the manatees.
Oh! Rubes.
So many rubes Pounding me with their jet skis.
Rubes Please, no, rubes.
(GROANING) (RETCHING) I'm gonna take you home and fix you up, 'cause you're the real endangered species, a devoted husband.
Marge, I'm always amazed you chose me.
And I always will.
Whoo-hoo! (SIGHS) I'm starting to think I should find a woman.
(BLEATING) Yeah, Miranda was nice, but I'm not driving to Corpus Christi every time she needs a light bulb changed.
(BLEATS) Amen.
Hey, since we got the kids with us, why don't we all take a few days of much needed R&R? Don't you have to be back at work? Yes.
But I've got a friend who owes me a solid.
Smithers, who is this barrel-chested go-getter? I believe it's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir.
That's cute.
(PANTING) I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Actually, sir, I believe he's about to die of dehydration.
Good heavens! Grab a sponge, man! (WOMAN SINGING) Ooh You might not ever get rich But let me tell you it's better than digging a ditch There ain't no telling who you might meet A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief Working at the car wash Working at the car wash, yeah! Come on and sing it with me, car wash Sing it with the feeling now, car wash, yeah Come some of the work get's kind of hard This ain't no place to be If you planned on being a star Let me tell you it's always cool And the boss don't mind sometimes if you act a fool At the car wash Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Talking about the car wash, yeah! Come on y'all and sing it for me Car wash, whoo-hoo! Car wash, yeah!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  The Girl Who Slept Too Little
The Simpsons s17e02 Episode Script
The Girl Who Slept Too Little
(SINGING) The Simpsons D'oh! (SCREAMS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (LOUD HAMMERING) Oh! (JACKHAMMER DRILLING) (HAMMERING CONTINUES) (SCATTING RHYTMICALLY) Homer! Do something about the noise! (CONTINUES SCATTING) It's 7:00 AM, what are they cock-a-doodily doing? Flanders, I can't listen to your crap before my coffee.
Okily-dokily, here's some French roast.
Now, I'll go make toast.
Stupid best friend Flanders.
BART: A stamp museum? (YELLS) oh! Stamps? Those are for snail mail! Stamps rule! I mean suck! Well, they can't just start building in our neighborhood without asking us.
Whatever happened to "please" and "thank you"? I think they killed each other.
You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.
(CROWD CLAMORING) We have to stop all this construction.
The noise is jiggling my grapes to the bottom of the Jell-o.
What man would want you now? Two, four, six, eight, I hate stamps, they aren't great! Okay, how about this? Seven, four, three, one Oh, wait, that's my pin number.
Everyone, forget that.
MAN: (SINGING) Tell me over and over And over again, my friend Ah, you don't believe Whoa! Again! Again! Whoa! Again! (CHUCKLING) Again! That's enough.
Don't you understand what I'm trying to say? Can't you feel the fears I'm feeling today? If the button is pushed "Come home from Iraq," my wife says.
"Fallujah's too dangerous," my wife says.
Whoo-hoo! (WHISTLING) Tell me over and over And over again, my friend.
(ALL SCREAMING) (THUDDING) All right, Homer! You beat those stamp Nazis with good old-fashioned American complaining.
Homer, if it weren't for you, we'd be at the mercy of weekend philatelists.
You know, why didn't you just say "stamp collectors"? 'Cause I'm tired of dumbing myself down for you.
The postal service is sending a change of address card To itself.
The stamp museum will now be built on the site of the Springfield cemetery.
The cemetery will be moved right here, next to the Simpsons.
Instead of a stamp museum, we'll be next door to a graveyard? Look at the bright side, Marge.
When I die, you can mourn me from the bathroom.
That's multitasking.
Hmm.
Hmm.
This is a little too spooky for me.
I don't even like watching the Count on Sesame Street.
One coconut, two coconuts, three coconuts (LAUGHS WICKEDLY) GO back to your own country! (CAWING) (HINGES CREAKING) (OWL HOOTING) This stinks.
My room is the only one that faces that cemetery.
Then the zombies will eat you first, and you won't have to watch them eat us.
Thanks for making me feel better.
Well, thanks for making me feel better, knowing that your screams when the zombies chomp your brains will warn me so I can get away.
There's no such thing as zombies! Ugh, glad to hear you say that, because the person who doesn't believe in zombies is always the first to get feasted upon.
(GRUNTS) (assume) Stop scaring me! (SCREAMS) Bart, don't you have homework to do? Yeah, and I could really use your help.
I believe in science and reality, not ghosts and monsters.
(YOWLING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Can I sleep with you guys tonight? Oh, sure you can, sweetie.
Just don't make a habit of it.
Okay, just let me clear some space.
(GRUNTS) HOMER: Out you go.
You, too.
(GROANS) Mmm, so that's why I've been smelling margaritas at 3:00 AM.
Hey, I love waking up drunk in the morning.
(GROANING) (MOANS) Ow! Lisa, honey, I know last night was tough, but all our kids sleep by themselves.
We don't even hear Maggie cry at night anymore.
Wait a minute, there's no batteries in this thing.
I needed them for my remote-control helicopter.
Tonight, I want you to really try to sleep in your own bed, because (WHIRRING) Homer, stop that! There's a little plastic man in your hair, and I'm trying to rescue him.
(WHIRRING) No soldier left behind.
Homer, can you help me out here? Lisa, honey, if you sleep in your own bed tomorrow, we'll do something special.
Just for you.
Well, I heard they finished the stamp museum.
That could be fun.
I can't believe it took us Why can't they build a stamp museum closer to our house? Dad, you fought tooth and nail to get it away from our house.
Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have consistency is something, something that something I love you, Bart.
Isn't this Lenny's house? Hey, Simpsons.
That'll be Oh, I thought it was $20! (CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's per axle.
Park over there in Carl-Four.
No early outs.
I can't believe you're making money off this.
Oh, yeah! Living next to the stamp museum is making me a mint! I bought a diamond for my belly button! You guys need water? No one's gonna pay a buck to drink water from your hose, so D'oh! Pay the man, Homer.
Wow, look at all these worthy Americans.
(BEEPS) My name is Frederick Ives.
I invented the halftone printing process.
Thanks to me, Katherine Blodgett, we have nonreflecting glass.
Yeesh! Butter face! And I'm Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone.
You stole it from me, Elisha Gray.
Read the patent number, bitch! "The Land of the Wild Beasts?" That's the first book I read all the way through.
You read a book all the way through? Why? Milton Burkhart's work has touched on every genre from books to films to advertising.
All right! Commercials! MAN: Once upon a time, a bad boy was sent to bed without any dinner.
But then, something magical happened.
Huh? ls this the land of the wild beasts? No, this is the land of the wild feasts! The Hillside Wrangler steak house! I'm $4.
99 Steak.
I'm All-You-Can-Eat Salad Bar! Yo, and I'm Sneeze Guard.
Put it under glass, dawgs.
(RUMBLING) And I'm Jumbo Shrimp! Maximum two servings! That's bull (BLEEP) Man! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) I love you, Hillside Wrangler! Tell us, Mr.
Burkhart, what led you to the magical world of children's books? I wanted to be a children's book illustrator ever since Playboy wouldn't publish my cartoons because they were too filthy.
(THUNDER CRACKING) Groundskeeper Willie? No, I'm his cousin, Gravedigger Billy.
I've been digging graves for 30 years, and I've never buried anyone alive.
If I did, they'd ring this bell.
(DINGING) (GASPS) Well, that's just the wind.
Oh, that's just a tree branch, with a nice watch on it! (GRUNTING) (YELPS) (SHUDDERING) MARGE: What a lousy party! I don't care what Apu was in a past life, in this life, he's a blabbermouth! Oh! And that Dr.
Hibbert was so boring.
"Homer, we've got to get that lump checked out.
" "Homer, we must discuss your test results.
" "Homer, we've got to find you a donor.
" Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
LISA: I thought those people were your friends.
(SIGHS) Look who's sleeping in our bed again.
I didn't know grownups said bad things about other grownups.
You see, sweetie, when a mommy and daddy are married for years and have nothing new to talk about, they bad-mouth their closest friends.
But I thought it was wrong to talk about people behind their backs.
I spy with my little eye a girl who's not sleeping in her room like she promised.
I know.
I'm sorry.
And I spy with my little eye something with four legs that can't run.
Homer, we're not really playing.
Oh ls it the chair? Exactly! Now, what has two ears but can't hear? Grandpa! Tragically, yes.
What if we show Lisa we can sleep in her room without being frightened'? Okay, Marge.
But don't be surprised if a snuggle monster shows up.
Well, I hope he's accompanied by the "how was your day" monster and the "foot rub" monster, and the "let me just" Don't worry, he's not showing up.
(CAWING) (BOTH SHUDDERING) Boy, Lisa's room really is scary.
Now, Willie, the pot of gold I saw is right down there.
All I see is an empty grave.
Why don't you fill it, you lazy bastard! Finally! Back in the only safe bedroom in the house.
What about Bart's bedroom? You know that race car bed I made him? Yeah.
The brakes are shot.
Ow, ow! Ow, ow.
Lisa, honey, any chance you could stop reading soon? Okay, I'll watch TV.
(GROANS) MAN: Now, Re-run Land takes you back to 1965 with Bonanza.
See here, Cartwright, your boys have been eating my apples.
That doesn't sound like my boys.
I'll thank you to keep a civil tongue.
(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, Lisa, do you really want to watch this? Mom, I think there's a danger this time they might lose the Ponderosa.
Ow! Learn to drive, boy! (SIGHS) We need professional help.
As a young child, did Lisa receive a lot of nurturing? Frankly, no.
Lisa kind of took care of herself.
Our oldest, Bart, was such a handful.
Did you bring those home movies of your daughter I asked for? Uh This is all I could find.
(CHUCKLING GUILTILY) (CHUCKLING) HOMER: Why you very little (GRUNTS) (CHOKING) Homer, stop that! Who was filming that scene? Stationary camera.
I see.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, to overcome her neglect Lisa had to suppress her childhood fears.
My ten-week program can help her learn to be a kid again.
Well worth the $4,000.
Four thousand dollars? Now, Marge, when our little girl's happiness is at stake (GRUNTS) Run, Marge! Start the car! I'm not chasing you, Mr.
Simpson.
And you won't! Unless you can leap through fire! (BLOWS) I can't keep sleeping in Morn and Dad's room.
Yeah, if Dad rolls over, you're dead.
Mom showed me how to make a retaining wall out of pillows.
But I'm going to conquer my fears.
Tonight.
(HINGES CREAKING) (OWL HOOTING) (STRAINED GRUNTS) I changed my mind! Can you please open the gate'? Hmm? I don't work here.
I was just visiting another security guard that died.
Bye, now.
(ANIMAL HOWLING IN DISTANCE) (SHUDDERING) If I can just spend the night here, I'll never be scared again.
And, boy, you're free to go home whenever you want.
(GASPS) Hi, Dr.
Nick.
Hi, everybody! I mean, I'm not Dr.
Nick.
I'm Dr.
Octopus.
Ha! I'm going to get you, Spidey.
Then I will have upside-down kiss with Mary Jane.
Huh? Bye, Dr.
Nick.
Bye, Lisa.
And remember, you have a checkup next Thursday.
We don't go to you anymore.
We have a better doctor.
Oh, congratulations! Boys, that grave robber could be anywhere.
The most vital thing is that we stick together.
Wait.
Where did everybody go? Okay, this is it, Clancy.
No squad car, no backup, legs cramping in fear.
Sweat in my eyes and groin I'd better get out of this damn cop uniform before someone takes a shot at me.
There we go.
Oh, hey, there's my Walkman.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) You know, I actually got into law school, but I just couldn't afford it.
Quiet, I hear something.
Yeah, that's my life slipping away.
Okay, got to keep calm.
If Scooby Doo has taught me anything, it's that the only thing to fear are crooked real estate developers.
(CRACKING) (HOOTING) (SCREAMING) (BATS SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) Whoa! (GROANING) Where's Lisa, boy? This book's going to solve all her problems.
Well, if you're looking for Lisa, she said she was going to spend the night in the boneyard out back.
The cemetery? And you're just sitting here'? I figured the best thing I could do is monitor the news for any reports.
You're watching cartoons! Just the show for me! Tim-Tom Tabby is a curious cat.
Went to see the queen in a velveteen hat.
Oh! This is so boring! (HAMMER CLICKS) Shh! (LAUGHS) Hey, Mom, can we have fried chicken for dinner? BOTH: Lisa! BOTH: Lisa! Don't worry, we're not evil spirits! Although, if we were evil spirits, we'd probably assume the shape of your parents.
Homer! Marge, we owe her the truth.
(SCREAMING) There, there, dear.
Grandma will protect you.
But I ain't grandma! (SCREAMING) Whoa, whoa, whoa! (GASPS) Lisa, meet your new husband.
(CHUCKLES) I made us a dream house out of slime! I don't know howl reproduce, but we'll have a great time figuring it out.
(SCREAMING) (SHATTERS) (GROANS) Where am I? (ROARING) (SCREAMING) Welcome to the land of wild beasts, little girl.
(ROARING) Not scared.
Not scared.
For God's sake, girl, you're eight years old.
It's natural for you to feel scared sometime.
But I'm too smart to get scared.
Lisa, everybody gets scared no matter how old or how smart they are.
In fact, I'm scared of her.
No, you're afraid of intimacy.
That's because I know after we mate, you'll eat me.
Your brother didn't seem to mind.
You know, you monsters seem scary, but when you get a little closer (LAUGHS) You're just funny.
(ALL MUMBLING) But wait.
How am I supposed to sleep with that spooky cemetery outside my window'? You could just draw the blinds, you silly goose.
Or get a night-light.
My dad says they're too expensive.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) For God's sake, they're four bucks apiece.
I could slime your dad, just like I slimed us a Paris honeymoon.
I think I'll be okay by myself.
What is it about slime that chicks don't dig? Bye, guys.
You've really helped me a lot.
Bye-bye, Lisa.
Bye, Lisa! See you soon! See you soon! We're always just a concussion away! Lisa, honey, please wake up.
If you do, I'll get you a new pony.
New pony? This is still part of your dream.
Dreaming Dreaming Now you're awake.
Oh! Sweetie, we're going to get you home and straighten out all these fears you have.
I think I'm going to be fine.
Let's get some breakfast.
Chief, it's light out.
You can open your eyes and come down.
I don't want to, Lou! I've got a pizza bagel for you.
Let's roll.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Millhouse Of Sand And Fog
The Simpsons s17e03 Episode Script
Millhouse Of Sand And Fog
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (EXCLAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (DINGS) Ha-ha! And now let us bow our heads in silent prayer.
Maggie! That's not what you do with a hymnal.
Homer! What? I forgot to floss this morning.
Oh, somethings wrong with Maggie.
We should get her to Dr.
Hibbert.
But I don't see him anywhere.
The Hibberts now attend a more boisterous house of worship.
(CLEARS THROAT) (LIVELY GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Let the light ALL: Shine on! From the lighthouse ALL: Shine on! Shine on me ALL: Shine on Shine on me ALL: Shine on In the morning This is awesome.
Black God rules.
Shine on Oh, let it shine on (CHUCKLES) Um, Dr.
Hibbert? Mmm-hmm? I hate to interrupt while you're rejoicing but Maggie is terribly itchy.
Mmm-hmm! Oh, this looks to be the initial stages of chicken pox.
Say amen! Amen! Coat Maggie with this calamine lotion and the scabbing will heal.
The scabbing will heal! ALL: The scabbing will heal! Heal my scabs, Lord.
Praise the Lord! I can walk again! Hmm What? My foot fell asleep.
(SCOFFS) Sweetie, I know it itches.
But you've got to stop scratching.
No! (GASPS) No! Here.
Here, play with your teddy bear.
(GROANS) Sugar booger.
Aww, poor Maggie.
(GASPS) Homer, don't touch her.
You've never had chicken pox.
I know.
And you did.
And you're great.
Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult.
It can leave you sterile.
Down there.
(SCOFFS) You always gotta work blue, don't you, Marge? You're better than that.
Can't even go in my own kitchen.
Bet Bart's in there right now licking frosting off my eggbeaters! Mmm.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'm saving one for you.
(LAUGHS) I'll just leave it here in the dog's mouth.
No! Bart! That's a really bad storage area.
Hey, Homer.
Why the sour puss? Did you chug-a-lug a skunky Snapple? I don't know.
Maybe.
Plus, my wife won't let me inside because the baby's got chicken pox.
Really? Do you mind if I bring my boys over so she can infect Rod and Todd? Then there'll be a pox on both our houses.
Why would you do that? Are you a bad parent? Au contraire, man with no hair.
You see, Rod and Todd could only get the chicken pox once, and childhood's the safest time.
So you want Maggie to infect your kids? You betcha! In fact, some parents have been known to hold "pox parties" so other kids in the neighborhood can get the disease when they please.
And would they pay handsomely for the privilege? They might.
You'd have to be awfully money-grubbing to charge your friends and neighbors.
$15 to infect your kids! Now featuring the pox box! Pox box not recommended for pregnant or nursing women.
As with any disease box, results may vary.
Pox box! Welcome to our pox party.
Save room for punch.
Maggie's bathing in the bowl.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi.
Luann'll pick up Milhouse when the party's over.
I'll just read in the car till then.
Oh, Kirk.
Come join the parents in the kitchen.
We're having alcohol drinks and dishing on the parents who aren't here.
Ordinarily, I'm not the one to laugh at a man's urinary blockage but you should've seen Oh! There he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the sister with the blisters, the tot with all the spots, Maggie! (COUGHING) I feel like a chicken already.
I just made an egg in my pants.
Hey, Marge.
Hit me with a little hit more of that silly slush.
Chief, don't you think you've had enough? I'm fine.
Watch, I can even touch my gun to my nose.
(BOTH GASPING) Don't worry.
I'm the "pief of cholice.
" I mean, I'm the beef with no cheese.
(SOBS) Why doesn't Lou like me? Why? Knock-knock.
Luann? What are you doing here? I thought you were just dropping Milhouse off.
I could get some coffee and come back.
No, no, no.
You stay.
I'll just drive home.
Uh, who's gonna let me siphon? Why don't you both stay and have one of my Marge-aritas? All right! I never drank one of these without a cigarette in it.
Now kids, in lieu of one of those inflatable jumping things, please welcome Mr.
Krusty the Clown! (ALL CHEERING) Hey, hey, kids! (LAUGHS) This putz only paid for 20 seconds so listen fast.
Moishe caught the chicken pox, he scratched all night and day.
He asked the rabbi what to do and he said (BEEPS) Time! I'm outta here! (LAUGHS) (TIRES SCREECHING) Kirk, you look good.
Have you been working out? Well, dogs have been chasing me.
No one's been chasing me lately.
What happened to your last boyfriend? The one who would always go to the gym after visiting you, then have lunch at that place downtown? You know, his taillight's broken? I'm not seeing him anymore.
Does that mean that there might be a chance for me? Almost anyone's got a chance now.
(ALL COUGHING) Goodbye.
Thanks for coming.
If my party made you sick, tell your friends.
(MOANING) Sweet Lizzie McGuire! You think that's traumatic? Mr.
Stomach, are you hungry? "I'm always hungry, now make with the pizza, fatso.
" (LAUGHS) You're the stomach.
I have to do this for work.
So Milhouse walks into the bedroom and there's his morn and dad going (MIMICKING MOANS) (IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) "Oh, Mr.
Van Houten, I love when you kiss me.
" (IN LOW VOICE) "Yeah, yeah, kissing ladies is the best.
" (IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) "Oh, baby, kiss my mouth.
" (IN LOW VOICE) "Kiss me like we're in a fancy hotel.
" All right, we get ii.
(WHIMPERING) Marge, what's happening to me? Oh, Homie, you got chicken pox.
But how? I don't know.
I kept away from Maggie all day.
Uh! I'm so itchy! (CHOKING) Oh! Oh, yeah.
Son, we want to talk to you about what you saw in the Simpsons' house.
Well, I didn't see anything to get my hopes up, if that's what you mean.
Well, maybe you should get your hopes up a little.
They're already up! They're sky high! Your father and I are going through what's called a trial un-separation.
And son, l want to make one thing clear.
Unlike the breakup, this is not your fault.
I can't believe it! Our family might get back together again! (SINGING) Our house is a very, very, very fine house With two cats in the yard Life used to be so hard Now everything is easy 'cause of you And our la, la, la (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) I haven't daydreamed in color in so long.
Thank God.
We were afraid we lost you, son.
You sit in this oatmeal awhile and it'll send your itchies packin'.
Homer! Mmm! Homer oats.
Stop eating the oatmeal.
That's the third tub you've eaten.
(PHONE RINGING) Y'ello? No.
I'm not coming in to work.
I have chicken pox.
I know I said that last month, but I was lying.
Jeez.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right! Okay.
Right.
I love you.
Bye.
I just got fired.
Better check the want ads.
Ooh! Truck driver needed in Iraq.
Trucks are like big cars.
(GROANS) Okay, Luann, for honesty's sake, we should probably talk about everyone we dated while we were separated.
Well, the Sea Captain and I Yeah, okay.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
So what are we gonna do as a family today? Mini golf, pedal boats, indoor rock wall? Um, Milly Botanical garden, build a bear workshop, arena football with the Springfield Stun? Not today, big guy.
Your dad and I need more time to get reacquainted.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Why are you laughing? Tell me! Private jokes are rude.
Uh, son, here's 10 bucks.
Why don't you go to the bowling alley and throw some solo balls? But it's league night.
(G ROANS) This trial un-separation stinks! My parents used to compete for my love and I'd cash in every time.
And I always got the spillover.
Drive-in movies, two Christmases, soda with dinner.
(SIGHS) We lived like kings.
Remember when you told my dad to go to bed and he did? That was some New Year's.
Now listen.
I think we should consider breaking your parents up again.
I don't know, Bart.
I've wanted them back together for so long.
Look, you know they're gonna separate again.
Why don't we just speed up the process? You know, Bart.
My imaginary friend never made me do things I thought were wrong.
That's why he had to go away forever.
I thought you were gonna let him come back! I'm afraid he has to spend another year searching for his brain.
(GROANS) (STRAINING) Luann! I'm moving my stuff back in! Uh Dad, Mom says you're stinky and gross! Your mother said that? This is so great.
I mean, she used to keep her criticisms all bottled up until they destroyed our marriage.
And I guess I am a little funky.
Well, this is what cologne samples are for.
(HUMMING) (SIGHS) Mom, I don't want to get Dad in trouble, but he just let me drink a beer! Hmm, looks like we have a problem here.
The problem being that you are addicted to fibbing.
lam drunk! I'll prove it! Watch me kiss this picture of Nana! I can't do it! She's so mean to me! She wouldn't let me eat Froot Loops! Maybe my mom and dad are meant to be together, Bart.
You'd better hope not, 'cause you know what comes next? Your worst nightmare.
A baby sister.
Hi, Bart.
I baked you some cookies.
Skanks for nothing, Lame-orella.
If you two don't mind, I'd like to watch that cool Fox show about teenagers in Orange County.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Austin, I was looking for my belly ring in your recording studio and I found this! Does this or does this not belong to Feather? Sorry, Jade.
That's how we light it up in the OC.
You cheated on me! Our mixed-race fling is so over! Whatever.
Let's score some jam at Knott's Berry Farm.
For sure, dawg.
We'll be kickin' it old-school at Bigfoot Rapids.
Gonna get my flume on, log-style! (SINGING) We've been on the run Driving in the sun Looking out for number one California here we come Right back where we started from Hustlers grab your guns Your shadow weighs a ton Driving down the 101 California here we come Right back where we started from California! I bet that bra was planted by Sterling to break them up.
That's a brilliant idea! Those TV writers are geniuses! Whatever they' re paid, it's not enough.
This bra is really gonna lift and separate.
Lift your mother's suspicions and separate your parents.
LUANN: Milhouse, I need slender fingers to get me a pickle.
This isn't mine.
(BOTH GIGGLING) I have a message for your wife.
"Stop sleeping with my husband.
" Okay-doke! And you are? The wife of your wife's lover.
Does she know what this is regarding? (SCOFFS) You moron! Marge is having an affair with Kirk! (LAUGHS) That's ridiculous.
No woman would want to have sex with that loser.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) And, uh, congratulations on snagging him back.
Good stuff.
Just answer me one question.
How did your wife's bra end up in my husband's bed? (GRUNTS) (GASPS) This is Marge's bra.
I bought it for her boobs.
Of all the people for Marge to cheat on, why did it have to be me? Oh, boy, am I beat.
If you want to return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day.
Well, that answers the mystery of the missing melon.
But I have one more question.
Did you sleep with Kirk Van Houten? (GASPS) How could you ask me that? I repeat.
Did you sleep with Kirk? Homer, you're crazy.
You're not saying "no".
Fine.
No.
I'm still not hearing "no.
" No, no, no! Well, methinks the lady doth protest too much.
You don't trust me? After I salved every chicken pock on your ungrateful body? How dare you? I'm still waiting for that "no.
" Get out of this house! Gladly! (GRUNTS) We tried to break up your parents and we broke up mine! Wanna call my therapist to tell her how you feel? Hello, Dr.
Wexler? DR.
WEXLER: Stop calling me! I'm on my honeymoon! Yeah, it's that weird kid again.
Dad? (GASPS) I thought Mom kicked you out of the house! I came to get my mail.
"Resident.
" "Occupant.
" I can't open these.
Ooh! A traffic ticket! I'd do anything to get your mother and that donut back.
Okay, look, you and Mom can fix this.
What exactly happened between the two of you? Lisa, we don't need to know how.
It's a natural thing that happens, like a hurricane or going to war.
Hmm Well, I'd better go.
Where are you staying? You know the Four Seasons? Well, I'm experiencing them firsthand because I'm living in the park.
Bart, I think you're behind this whole thing.
Yeah, I can see how you'd think that.
But on the other hand (GRUNTS) Ha! I can read you like a book.
Ha-ha.
You read books.
If you don't tell Mom what you did, I will.
AW, come on.
Wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? And meanwhile, I'll be one of those weird guys who's 35 and shows up at high school basketball games.
(SIGHS) (GROANS) Why did I marry that selfish jerk? I've asked him to flip the mattress a thousand times and he never does.
(GRUNTING) Uh, Mom? Hi, sweetie.
Uh, you know that bra that broke up our family? Uh-huh.
Well, I looked into it, and it turns out I was responsible.
Really? Well, just for that, I'm gonna erase all the saved games on your PlayStation.
What? How do you know about things like that? I learned about it in here.
Ha! But Dad can come home, right? No! But he's innocent.
Innocent? After all I do for your father, he still doesn't trust me.
I'm finished with him! Does this mean you and Dad might get a D-A-V-U-R-S? Young man, you go work on your spelling or I'll delete all the custom ring tones from your cell phone.
No! (SIGHS) Our reverse Parent Trap just made everything worse.
Maybe we should use a different movie as our guide.
Like Oklahoma! (SINGING) Oh, the farmer and the cowman should be friends Oh, the farmer and the cowman should be friends One man likes to push a plow The other likes to chase a cow But that's no reason why they can't be friends What do you think, Bart? A hoedown could solve all our problems.
I just need your chap size.
lt's two more than your pant size.
How many times do I have to tell you no Rodgers & Hammerstein? Rodgers and Hart? No! Well, what will trick your parents into getting back together? LISA: Enough with the tricks! Stupid movie schemes do not work in real life! Mom and Dad have a marriage on the rocks.
And they need to work through it in therapy to make sure it doesn't shatter.
Rocks.
Shatter.
Jagged cliff! Lise, you've just given me an idea for the most insane, harebrained, foolproof scheme ever! (SIGHS) Okay, when my mom and dad see this dummy fall in the river, they'll think it's me.
And they'll realize what really matters.
Each other.
Do you like the dummy, Bart? I even made it smell like you.
Now make sure Homer and Marge are in proper viewing position.
So I got your note saying you wanted to meet here to apologize.
Well, I got your note saying you were gonna bring me a bucket of potato salad.
Where's my apology? Where's my bucket? Now I'll get Mom and Dad's attention and you shove the dummy in the water.
Any questions? Yeah.
What are you going as for Halloween? Pile of dog doo.
Let's roll.
Mom! Dad! I'm playing on a dangerous cliff because you're too busy arguing to pay attention to me! (GASPS) Bart! We're all disappointed there's no potato salad! But for God's sake, donât jump! Now! I can't tell which is which.
Oh, no! I'm already running! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Whoa! I did it, Bart! Bart? (SCREAMING) I'm a-comin', boy! (BOTH SCREAMING) (HUMMING) (WHIMPERING) This is all my fault.
I planted Mom's bra on Milhouse's parents' bed.
Why, you little (CHOKING) Homer, I can save you both.
Just let go of the rock.
Just do it! Trust me! Okay.
(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY) Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you to get back together! Make it two kajillion.
Homer! We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.
Well, I guess you showed you do trust me after all.
Of course I do.
The only thing I can't believe is that a woman as great as you would be married to me.
Aw, Homie MILHOUSE: I don't want to live in a world without Bart! (GAS PS) Can he swim? What do you think? (SINGING) California! California! Here we come! California! Here we come! California! Here we come!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Treehouse of Horror XVI
The Simpsons s17e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XVI
COMMENTATOR: We're here at game six of the World Series.
The highlight so far, a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay.
Oh, would you look at that? The batter just called time-out again.
Now, let's look in the stands at the players' wives.
Well, what do you know? They're talking on cell phones.
No doubt complaining about the good life.
This is the most boring game in all the universe.
And with all the steroids they take, the players look like freaks.
BOTH: Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! COMMENTATOR: And next week on Fox, catch the new OC spinoff, Pomona.
lt's even hotter away from the beach.
Mmm-mmm.
If we don't speed up this game, The Simpsons Halloween special won't air until Administrative Professionals Day.
Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something.
(BOTH GROWLING) Yeah.
The boredom is excruciating.
Fire the accele-ray! COMMENTATOR: Rodriguez pops it to right field as some sort of accele-ray bathes the stadium in an eerie, green glow.
(LAUGHS) Who would've thunk it? It's still boring.
Faster! But the fabric of the universe itself may shatter! Good.
Only then could the Cubs finally win.
KODOS: Smooth move, Space-lax.
You've destroyed the totality of existence.
KANG: It'll be fine.
I'll just leave a note.
Patty, is it you or me who likes grape jelly? For 35 cents off, I love it.
Hey, Lise, I bet I could jump in the swimming pool from here.
Bart, that would be the stupidest thing you ever did.
No, the stupidest thing would be doing it backwards.
(GRUNTS) Cowa (THUD) (GASPS) Uh, Mom, remember how you wished we would never grow up? (MONITOR BEEPING) I'm afraid your son is in a deep, deep coma from which he will never emerge.
I guess we should count our blessings he's not dead.
Don't I know it.
This way I get to keep billing you.
(LAUGHS) Bart, wake up! I got that bike you wanted.
(RINGS BELL) (SOBBING) Now, Marge, if you miss your boy that much, you could replace him with one of these.
MARGE: A robot? Wow, a robot kid would be a blast.
We could confuse him and make his head explode.
(IMITATING ROBOT VOICE) "This statement is a lie.
" But if it's a lie, then it must be true.
But if it's true, then it must be Whoop, whoop, whoop Kaboom! And a robot would take your mind off your dead son.
I thought he was in a coma! They're pretty much the same thing.
Except this way I get to keep billing you.
You already said that.
Well, you didn't laugh the first time.
Okay, your robot son is good to go.
You want me to boot him up? Okay.
(GRUNTS) Ow! Mom, that hurt.
Uh! He knows how to push all my buttons.
And here's how to push his.
Now, I'm a man who likes to strangle his kids.
You think I could Sure.
Let him have it.
Why, you metal (CHOKING) Wow! The windpipe is incredibly responsive.
(CHOKING) Yeah.
That's the 0-6s for you.
MARGE: David is So helpful.
And he's great with the neighbors! Hi-diddily-ho! There's no bot like a robot! (LAUGHS) Ooh! Ow! My Flander-doodles! Having a robot brother troubles me.
The ethical implications are really tensing me up.
(WHIRRING) (MOANS) Goodbye, implications.
(MONITOR BEEPING) bunga! What the More waffles, Father? Nice and hotto, Mr.
Roboto.
David, you're by far the best son I've ever had.
Uh-oh.
Did you replace me with this tinker toy? "Replace" is such an ugly word.
We upgraded.
Bart, we can befriends.
Eat my shorts! I will comply.
(WHIRRING) (BELL DINGS) Mmm.
Here.
Make me a kitty.
(GRUNTS) (SINGING) Johnny come lately The new kid in town (CRACKLING) Everybody loves you So don't let them down You look in her eyes The music begins to play Hopeless romantics Here we go again But after a while, you're lookin' the other way (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) (CHITTERING) I hate going to the zoo.
I feel so sorry for the animals.
Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals.
In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose You know, the American dream.
(LION GROWLING) BART: Time to get rid of the competition.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) (PEACOCKS CAWING) Whoo! Thank God I landed in a bunch of fruity birds.
(HISSING) (SCREAMS) This is where stem-cell research led us? David and Bart just aren't working out.
We have to do something.
Hmm HOMER: I'm really sorry, but our family just can't handle both of you boys-.
I hope that somewhere deep in your data banks, you process fond memories of us.
The sad part is, there were times when I actually had feelings for you.
I almost felt I was your father.
What are you talking about? David feels, and your mother will agree when I tell her, that it's best for our family if you're no longer in it.
(GRUNTS) We're still going to the toy store, right? And I can pick out as many toys as I want? HOMER: No toys! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (BART MUMBLING) There should be a law against abandoning your child.
(SCREAMS) Don't fear us.
We're gentle robots who were cast off just like you.
I'm not a robot.
I'm human.
(ALL GASP) Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings? I said I'm a human, not a girl.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, I think it's about time we all power down for the night.
Can I stay with you guys tonight? Of course.
And maybe someday, you'll teach us to love.
Yeah, maybe.
What did you used to do? I was a lawnmower.
I could cut grass at three different heights but I could not love.
I get it.
I get it.
It sucks to be you.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
(GROANS) What the F-prompt? Our pans are gone.
We've been harvested.
My servos are gone.
That boy screwed us over.
He peed on me.
You are a urinalbot.
Lavatron.
(LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, it's Bart.
Super.
(ALL SCREAM) (SINGSONG) I'm home! You told me he was at culinary school.
You wanted to believe the lie.
Time to destroy the one who did this to me.
To get me, you'll have to go through your fa Oh, those were my good pants! Well, the important thing is we're a family again.
This stinks! I got stubby little robot legs and an ass that's not equipped for an adult diet.
(GROANS) LISA: Dad.
Dad, wake up.
You're not a robot.
You're just possessed by the devil.
The power of Christ compels thee! (BABBLING) I'll call work and tell them he can't make it.
Woo-hoo! (LAUGHS) Suckers.
(COCKING GUN) (SCREAMING) "Dear Homer Simpson, "Mr.
Burns invites you to a hunting party at his private estate.
"Parentheses, 'Sinister Laugh,' close parentheses.
" Please don't accept this invitation, Dad.
Hunting is cruel.
Honey, animals don't feel death.
That was proved by the scientists at Black Angus.
No fair.
Dad gets to kill wild animals.
But I shoot one bird, and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
(GROANS) He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) This is a pretty sweet deal, Burns inviting us over.
What kind of motive do you think he has? Ulterior.
Mmm.
Welcome all! Now, to explain why I summoned you here.
Oh, God, here it comes.
Time-share pitch.
Well, I got bad credit so the joke's on you! You're here to participate in a hunt for the world's most dangerous game.
The most dangerous game? What could it be? Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
The game I'm hunting ls all of you.
Now, because I am too kind, I will give you all a five-minute head start.
You may commence running! Five minutes of running? Shoot me now.
(GUNSHOT) Well, that broke the ice.
Now any man who lives till noon tomorrow shall win his freedom.
Excuse me.
What gives you the legal right to do this? You tell me.
You're my lawyer.
Well, I guess you are zoned for hunting, and you have previously claimed killing people as part of your religion.
I think I can draw something up.
(TYPEWRITER DINGS) There.
This should hold up in just about any courtroom.
Excellent.
(ALL SHOUTING) The game is afoot.
(SNIFFS) I smell fear.
Mixed with curry.
APU: Uh-oh.
Aah! You got me! But I shall be reincarnated.
(GROANS) Ha-ha! You can't kill a Hindu! Aah! Help me, Jesus! (WHIMPERING) ANNOUNCER: You're watching The World Series of Manslaughter.
The most violent TV spectacle since the Hip Hop Image Awards.
Mom, Mr.
Burns is gonna kill Dad! I should've known something was wrong when we got this week's TV guide.
(LISA GASPS) Now for his take on tonight's bloodthirsty action, here's guest analyst Terry Bradshaw.
Terry? Well, conventional wisdom says good fleeing will always beat good chasing.
But the stats say put your money on the guy with the gun.
(SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) Dying is just like golfing, except in golf (GUNSHOTS) Aww! You hate to see that.
That's the kind of showboating that'll turn people off this sport.
Hey, hey, Homer.
Burns is coming.
Climb up.
(GRUNTING) Oh, you fat ass! (ALL SCREAMING) Na-na! You missed me! (GROANS) Well, before I die, I'll just scratch that lottery ticket I got in my pocket.
"Instant jackpot, one million dollars!" If I make it out alive, I could (YELLS) Homer, Burns has only been chasing us for six hours, and you've already resorted to cannibalism.
And there's bananas in that tree up there.
Uh, they look a little green.
Carl, I see heaven.
What does it look like? ALL: Hurry up, Lenny.
We'll be late for work at the plant.
(SIGHS AND GROANS) You can't escape me, Simpson.
You are not smart enough.
HOMER: Yes, l am! I mean (MAKING ANIMAL NOISES) Oh, no! I've been killed! Outfoxed him with the corpse of my best friend.
Hee-hee! (GRUNTS) (MR.
BURNS COCKING GUN) Ahh! Is there room in the head bag, Smithers? I can make room.
Excellent.
(LOUD THUD) Done, and done! Marge, you saved me! D'oh! What was that for? Staying out 18 hours and not calling home once! Oh, I can't stay mad at you when that pan smells like sausage and onions.
Mmm And I am glad you're okay.
(MOANING) All right.
And there you have it.
Terry Bradshaw, your thoughts on what just transpired.
Well, it's a disgrace, Roger.
This network will show a dozen gruesome murders but I bet they cut to commercial before these two begin the tender act of love.
(BOTH MOANING) I spoke too soon, huh? There they go! Whoa! That's going in my playbook.
Oh.
Everyone's wearing such an interesting costume.
Look, Grampa's a gorilla, Sideshow Mel is Spider-Man, and Nelson's a raccoon.
I'm not a raccoon! I'm the Lone Ranger! I'm too poor to afford the hat.
That's not even a mask.
It's axle grease.
Don't listen to him, Silver.
(IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING) And now the finalists for Best Costume.
First, we have Blacula.
Oh, because I'm black and I'm Dracula, that makes me Blacula? (SCOFFS) My wife said, "Don't go as Dracula," but I said, "Bernice, we live in the 21 st century.
" Send him the standard racist remark apology.
They're in the middle drawer.
Our other finalist is this hideous witch.
(CACKLING) (ALL CHEERING) Congratulations, you have won this $25 Kwik-E-Mart certificate.
Sucker.
Twenty-five bucks won't buy you half a Balance Bar.
I exaggerate, but really, my prices are very high.
Thank you! Wait! Before you leave, we'd all like to know which of our beloved regulars you are under that costume.
Lindsay Naegle? Helen Lovejoy? Old Jewish Man? No.
I'm right here, dressed as my brother Irving.
(SIGHS) Every day I miss him.
(LAUGHS) This is a little awkward because I'm not wearing a costume.
I'm a real witch.
(ALL GASP) Wait a minute.
That's cheating! Burn her Gift certificate! Since you are not technically in costume, you cannot win this award! Rescind my award, will you? You're all gonna pay! Taint of mute and scum of pond, thou shalt become the guise thou donned! (ALL MURMURING) Speak English, moron.
I'm turning you into your costumes.
Well, are you gonna talk about it or are you gonna do it? (EXCLAIMS) (HORSE NEIGHING) Whoa! I'm not a raccoon! I'm the Lone Ranger! Ooh! Disco Stu wishes he'd gone as Marilyn McCoo! (MUTTERING) Good luck getting your deposits back on those costumes! (ALL PROTESTING) Seymour, I told you not to go as G.
I.
Joe! Mother, I'm fine.
I Uh-oh.
Oh, this isn't fair.
I wasn't wearing a costume.
Look at me! I'm a young, strappin' gorilla! Ow! My hip, it's shattered.
Somebody help me.
Off we go to the gorilla hospital.
ABE: That's it, suck out the poison.
Wait a minute.
(ABE SCREAMS) (HOWLING) I am not a happy meal right now.
I'm telling you, I'm Oberon, king of the fairies! You're a big fat bug! And you're going down! (CAT WHINING) (GROANS) My spine is not a scratching post! (MEOWS) (IN GERMAN ACCENT) Oh! There must be some way out of this verdammten spell.
Lisa, you think you could check on your father? Oh! That's an excellent use of a genius brain, to look after an idiot head.
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) Uh! Uh! Dammit! (GASPS) That's the answer! Maggie's a real witch now.
She can reverse the spell! (GROWLS) I don't want to reverse the spell.
I can howl at the moon and eat rats.
(SQUEAKS) (HOWLING) (CRASHING) I don't want to change, either.
Now I can pull horses out of the mud.
Then girls will like me.
And I'm Jared from the Subway ads.
I'm only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous.
Don't listen to them, Maggie.
Maggie? Please change me back.
This bumblebee has developed an unhealthy obsession with me.
I don't want flowers! I am a flower! As for Apu-D2, I could go either way.
(IMITATES WHIRRING) Click, click, oink.
HOMER: Please change (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) Oh, well.
This still beats being Moe.
Okay, this concludes this year's Halloween show.
We hope you had as much fun watching our show as the Koreans did animating it.
But there's one group for whom every day is Halloween.
I'm talking about adult illiterates.
For them, trying to read the morning newspaper is more terrifying than any goblin, ghoul, spook, or spirit.
So won't you please donate a children's book or something? Together we can make reading a slam dunk.
Dennis Rodman? What are you doing here? Working off a speeding ticket.
Happy Halloween, everybody!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Marge's Son Poisoning
The Simpsons s17e05 Episode Script
Marge's Son Poisoning
I'm so glad we came to Paradise Pier.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to ride that Ferris wheel.
They're tearing down the pier! But what would junkies do drugs under? Don't you worry, son, they are strong people.
I wanna ride a bumper cars! Whoa, sir, we're dismantling this ride.
It's not safe! I call the red one! Homie, no! It's not for street! Don't worry, mam! He's not connected to the power supplies, so he can't go far.
Oh, he got us in the corner! I hate this ride! Mom, can we buy a magnesium vapor soak tub? For the last time, no! Oh! But how will I increase my vitality? He's just faking loss of vitality, reverend.
I believe you.
A strong man? Are you for sale? 'Cause I need someone to throw a bird bath at my neighbor.
Robusto is not for sale! But, would you like to buy my last dumbbell? Mm, I suppose I could use a little toning.
I'll give you $5 for it.
Sold! A bicycle built for two! And I could be one of those two! Homie, if I buy a bicycle built for two, will you ride with me? Marge, I don't hate your mother.
I just won't be sad when she dies.
I was asking for something! Yeah, sure! Whatever you want.
I'll take it! I can't believe I own a tandem bike! You want me to ride a what-cycle built for who? A tandem bicycle! When I bought it, you said you'll ride with me.
Oh I was really looking forward to it.
Bart, how'd you like to go on a tandem bike ride with your mom? Mom, please.
I'm playing a video game! Oh, small hill.
Pedal, pedal, pedal! Now, enjoy scenery! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Maggie, would you like to ride with me? Bart, why is your mom riding a two person bike by herself? Ha-ha! She's lonely! Moms don't get lonely! Hey mom, wanna go for a ride? I'd love to! I'll be right Wait, are you sure you're not just trying to get me make pizza for breakfast? Wo-ho! Pizza for breakfast! Mom, I mean it.
I wanna ride with you.
I'll be right down! Hello, Domino's? What do you mean, you're not opened? No, you call me back during business hours! I'll show you who's a recorded message! Puddle! I'm glad I could sharing their fun.
Well I heard Neil Young sing about her, I heard Neil put her down In the name of the father Hey! Well I hope Neil Young will remember, this southern man no need him around.
Anyhow.
Mom, who's Neil Young? He was a singer in the sixties, like the Archies and the Banana Splits.
I'm a little worried.
This part of the county is unincorporated.
Just to be safe, I'm going to dial 91 on my cellphone.
A tea house! Wanna go inside? I don't know.
Think they have video games? No.
Batting cage? No.
Rock climbing wall? No! Robot musical review? No! Zumanity by Cirque Du Soleil? No! Bathroom? Yes! Well, that's really what I need the most.
Let's go! Whoa, mom, I love tea! You haven't had any tea! Yeah, well I still love this place.
Good afternoon, madam.
Oh well, who's your handsome gentleman friend? Oh, you.
Don't do that! That hurts! Careful! Careful! Hey, what's a big idea getting trapped under that thing? Aaa, long story.
We were trying to impress some girls, and things kinda got away from us.
Just for the record, I regret nothing! Homer, how'd your right arm get so strong? Just lifting this dumbbell.
I'm pretty happy with this baby.
Now it's lefties turn! Oh, no you don't! I just got an idea.
Listen! - What? Hey! You.
.
What? Hey, you! Ooo.
.
What you Aah.
.
Yes.
Mom, only we have is carrot sticks and fresh fruit! Well, we could bike to the tea shop and have some cake! All right! Pedal to the cattle! Hey Bart, they're testing me for lazy eye! Wanna come with? Sorry Milhouse, I've got plans.
OK! I'll bring you back an eye care pamphlet.
OK.
Here comes our victim.
Let bash his head in! Hey Moe, I thought you were just gonna hustle him.
Oh right, I was thinking of another thing I got going.
Give me a bottle of bourbon! I've got a new liver, and I'm breaking it in.
Excuse me, mister bartender sir.
May I have a sugar-free ginger ale? And, err, make it flat.
The bubbles burn my butts.
Gold darnit, son! What the hell kinda sissy are you? Hey, are you calling my life partner a sissy? 'Cause a hundred bucks says he could whoop you in arm wrestling.
A Texas penny it is! Goldangit! I've been played like a dimwit's kazoo.
Yes! Homer, we make a dynamite team.
Ha? With your arm and my head gunk, we're going right to the top! This is one Texan who don't like when he's made out to be a fool.
Well, errr.
.
What do you like? I don't know Good book.
Long walk on the beach.
So, we kinda even things up here? Not yet! I wanna play some Frisbee.
You know honey, I really started to look forward to our little bike rides.
Me to, mother.
Oh, such respect! You could grow up to be a doorman.
Loyal customers, we have been forced to close forever.
It seems our cakes were filled with rat droppings.
It's not that we're bad people, we just weren't paying close attention.
Ta-ta! What it say? Err She died.
Well Bart, I guess that's it.
We have to go back to our separate things.
Hey, we could have tea in my tree house.
You, invited me, to your tree house? Whoaa! That's like Bruce Wayne letting his mother to the bat club.
So, is that standing water? Yeah.
You know, that puddle started life as a bowl of cereal.
I think I might be able to turn this tree house in to a tea house.
Mom, this is great! It makes our real house look like a pile of crap! And I throw out all your old comics.
Mooom! Just kidding.
Todays mom knows to seal 'em in Mylar, so you can never read them again, never ever again.
Where are you two going? I'm joining a professional arm wrestling circuit.
And how will this affect your job at the power plant? Negatively, I assume.
Oh, well.
We have to buy a new tea set.
Have fun! Jeez, she doesn't seem angry or anything Maybe she doesn't care anymore? Forget about her, Homer! She's dead to you now.
Oo-okay.
Now, forget boredom on the bus, I've got a book of brain teasers here.
Lets see.
Oh Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father is my father's son.
Ha Aah! Screw you, you stupid thing! He is my son.
That blows.
I can't wait to use our new Krusty the clown tea service! Me neither! Oh my God, I took a salesman's pen! I'll be right back.
Green tea, what's that? Mr.
T's Irish brother? Earl Grey? I'll rather have Linda Grey.
Is she still alive? What's next? What the hell? I'm not doing that one! Hey, Simpson! What do you gonna do with that tea pot? Gay out? I'll answer for you: yes.
What? Err I just shoplifted this, bad boy.
Housewards never knew what hit them.
Why didn't you steal something cool? Err Because I'm gonna bring it back, to the store, for store credit.
How you gonna get credit without a gift receipt? Ass! Err Well We've seen you're hanging out with your mom, Simpson! Word on the street is: you're a mama's boy! Hey! There is no way that Bart Simpson is a mama's boy! Oh Bart! Aren't they jazzy? They match the new curtains we're hanging in your tree house.
Here, try this on! I got you child's large because your tummies getting kinda bloopy from all the cakes we've been having.
Somebody here likes princess cakes! Princess cake? Bart, you just got yourself a nickname for life.
Hey, princess cake! Want some princess cake? Bart, are you having a fight with your boyfriends? Shut up! I don't want your stupid sweatshirt! Or your tea set! Smashing voids my warranty.
Have a good life! Mom, I only hang out with you because I felt sorry for you.
That was weird.
Will you teach us how to smoke? Noo! I can't believe they call me mama's boy.
I gotta make this place mine again! It's gonna take me weeks to get the booger wall back up! Bart! You're not allowed in here! Can't you read the sign? You mean this? Ay caramba! I'm worried about mom.
She's been sitting there, just petting the dog for two hours.
Hey, mom.
Hello, Bart.
Just so you know, I sold our bike.
Faster! Faster! But we have so much fun on that bike! Mom, I really did like hanging out with you.
You know, there's a karaoke night at school tomorrow.
Some of the little kids are bringing their parents.
Do you wanna go? Really? Can we do a duet? Sure, why not.
It'll be fun.
Oh, I can't believe Marge hasn't called me! Maybe I should go home.
Oh, Marge called you, she saidthat she loves you, and she hopes you brake the guy's arm so hard that it pokes through his skin.
Did she say anything else? Yes, she said to shut up and stop asking questions and listen to Moe.
Oh, Marge, I love her so much.
And Homer, you gotta keep your head in the game, all right? Your first opponent is Lefty the righty left-right.
Whoa, he looks tough.
Yeah, he only lost once.
In his fight against illiteracy.
I can relate.
I fought that foe and lost many times.
Oh, Marge isn't at home! Homer, focus! Moe, I'm starting to have grave doubts about this thing I've barely liked in the first place.
Come on, Homer, we can make it all to the quarter finals for the eastern division class B over 35 amateur grouping.
Sorry Moe, the place for my arms is around my wife.
Homer, come back! Homyou got my teeth whitening system in your suitcase! Let's see.
What would be a good duet, hm "Just the two uf us", "You and me against the world", "Ebony and ivory".
"Ebony and ivory"? I'm afraid that song is taken by me and my mother.
And people say when we're on stage, it's more like "scary-oke".
Scary talented, I assume.
I'm singing a song with Bart tonight.
Capital! My mother and I are been performing together since I was in 4th grade and it's really brought us closer.
Seymour! Where were you? A brightly colored car hurt my eyes! Don't worry mother, I have your eye balm in my man purse right here.
Good boy! You can push your crib in the mommy's room tonight.
It's not a crib, it's a cot! If it has a rail, it's a crib! Where is my John Wayne? Where is my preries' sun, Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone? You know mother, I wasn't sure about tonight.
But seeing us dressed the same, really feels right! Well I'm not so sure about the bells on the painter's pants.
Are you kidding, I love my tinkles! Next stop on the Springfield elementary karaoke showcase is Skinner! And Mrs Skinner! Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh lord, why don't we? Íooooo! Stop the showcase! Mrs.
Simpson, please! Hush up, Seymour! She's just saying what we're all thinking.
Mother, what are you doing? Don't call me mother, my name is mom.
And my son is no mama's boy! Bart, you're a wild hack razor, and I don't want to see you turning to that! What? A wall? Mom, I thought this is what you want it! Your job isn't to worry about me, it's to give me things to worry about.
Hey losers, I'm gonna do to you, what you did to this songs! Interpret them artistically? Die, die, die! We were gonna sing "My Sharona".
Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are so blue! Sweet home Alabama, Lord, I coming home to you! Alabama! Marge, spending time with you is more important to me than all the pie eating contests in the world! I thought that was arm wrestling! I was in the pie eating contest, then on the way home.
Now let's go to bed.
Oh my little pretty one, my pretty one, When you gonna give me some time, Sharona? Uh, you make my motor run, my motor run, Gun it comin' off the line Sharona Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind.
Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind.
My my my my my woo! That song is the pop music footnote! I didn't say stop! M-m-m-my Sharona.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  See Homer Run
The Simpsons s17e06 Episode Script
See Homer Run
1 This season should be joyous Mid-June? The children, the night holiest of the year Tomorrow is Father's Day, which makes the vigil tonight for Father's Day.
Joy to the world, a father was born.
Give me great gifts Papa, there is no vigil for Father's Day.
No vigil Father's Day? This means that there no Paternal Christmas? Very well, there are Is there a Rabbit the SuperBowl? Of course, why not? Bart, Lisa.
We must go to the center commercial before it closes.
Oh, I can come with you? I know I can not Hey, Mom, I might have a little money to buy Dad a gift? If I give you the money, what The gift comes from you? Where you get your money? That is 10.
Make your own card.
Ralph, let me explain again.
I give you $ 5, and you buy a gift for Dad.
Hey, hey, give me that.
It is a ticket of 50.
This kid finally refund.
Very well, Ralph, look at what you can do with a 100 bill.
Go, Ralph.
A big ticket.
A big ticket, Ralph.
A big ticket Cool.
That is what I am.
And you? I am afraid that the best thing I could find was that.
You know, produced the saloperies mass do not what I feel for Dad.
I'll give her a gift that comes from the heart.
Hello.
I'm looking for something to clean the pipes, foldable, covered with a light duvet.
This just arrived from Zanzibar.
What Father's day super! And now, Dad.
I hope you will love.
I forgot what it was.
A friend of leather.
There is no limit to what I can do with that.
Do not fear me, milady, Captain Superstud Dash is here with his small tool.
It is the worst Father's day Captain, you are so strong.
Bart is the best gift I've never received.
Open another gift now would be like to go to a concert Jessica Simpson after going to the opera.
What you, Lisa? Fuck what is it? Unicorns is you and me, Dad.
I've designed myself.
What do you think? A slight twinge in the heart? It is moving.
We can not deny it.
Thank you, baby.
You have not loved, is not it? No, no, no, it's great.
I can turn the page now.
Lisa, honey, I think your father would put the book on the fridge where everyone can see how beautiful it is.
Oh, is it cabbage? Oh, Dad How could you? Well, it's not my fault.
Magnet rotten! Oh, no, no What is "Happy birthday, Dad! Signed Lisa" I still do not understand I saw how the injury.
This is my day.
It will not forget it quickly.
I know women.
Yeah, but I know how returning women.
I brought you back even after losing our wedding album in a bet.
You what? I mean, I'll return.
And voila Moe with a pretty girl because it is something that happens in real life.
Hey, Moe, one might have to drink? Shut up and pass me to other heads of Moe.
Cool, I'm a street.
Hey, Simpson, are you going to steal the sign? Seems that if your name is on a panel, you can take, and the cops can do nothing against that.
On the 6th amendment.
Well, the panel would look cool hidden under my bed.
Woah.
We should just stop to manipulate kids, right? Hey, Milhouse! The cool kids go cycling eyes closed.
I am cool! I am going.
I Hebrew school.
Baruch Atah Adonai eloheem.
Melech h'olom I am sorry to have you made sad, darling But I'll show you how m'importent point your feelings.
An adult and a baby, please.
I am not a baby.
A baby is 0 to 2 years.
His first words.
Play the game That is 50 cents less for babies.
I prefer not to go rather than lying.
How are you? Uh It's your jacket on back of your chair? Look, I stole the panel.
Look, it was stolen "Le cri" Cache it.
Il me fait peur.
Stupid father who cares my feelings.
Oh, Lisa, then I t'emprunter one your crayons? Of course, is what all men do, take, take and take without attention to feelings and unicorns.
Here, take my meal too.
Even while taking my backpack! Which of the boys initiated the bag Lisa back through my window? Oh, it must be a boy, is not it? You do not think a girl can not blow a cable? Well, you're wrong! My plaster.
Lisa I wish in my hand a spine with a sad face on it.
Do me not to paste it on your record.
Do me not to paste it on your record.
J'enlÎ¸ve back Do not get me that God forgive me Willie, rats were again mÎ²chouillÎ¹ cables.
Leave me in peace.
I am pasta ramen.
Mr and Mrs Simpson, I am afraid that is a real problem with Lisa.
Your daughter broke a window, overturned wastebasket, and launched a thermos in the street! It can still keep drinks hot and cold? I'm afraid it keeps more no drink now.
I asked the psychologist School enlighten us on the sudden explosion inconveniences of your daughter.
I fear that rabies Lisa comes from an extraordinary disillusionment due to a parent figure.
In this case, his father.
Ho, of course, it is easy to Blame me.
It's harder to close.
As shown in testing your daughter, this is not a new trend.
"The Thanksgiving with Dad in the cabbage" "Left in the grand canyon" "The day is a policeman come to my football tournament.
" Mr Simpson, Lisa is at a junction cruel.
If she does not see his father as a positive model, it could hate men all his life.
Oh, I know! But how can I fix eight years crÎ¹tinerie After two singles and not cost me anything? Can I make a suggestion? The school seeks a new "Safe-Salamander.
" When Lisa you will teach children to avoid power lines fallen, it will make regain faith in you and the masculine gender.
I do not know.
What happened in the last Securi-Salamander? He is asleep in the costume and suffocated.
I can do it! Ok, Lisa is the time the big surprise Dad! Sometimes it's scary when your dreams come true, is not it honey? I suppose.
Yeah.
I am responsible for bringing Security in primary school Springfield and regain your love! What there was treasure? I do not thee well.
Salamander out! Sorry Bart! The first rule in the bus Security is always put your belt.
The school bus never belts.
So what protects you if we have an accident? A metal bar at the teeth.
Stop that bus! My teeth! Look Lisa, I showed security.
Council 99: Always lock your easel twice.
Son of Questions or comments? Are you a girl? Because I do not see any employees sausage Do I hear "Where are the fireworks?" Because this is! Every man for himself! Crush if you must! Security! Security! Die for Security! So, dear, I am again your hero? Janey's father took him just at the zoo once a month.
You could not be what kind of father? Honey, you know that Dad is longer allowed to enter the zoo.
Oh, yeah.
But I will always I buy your eyes.
How did you do that? I do not know.
I said, turn left at Boulevard Bart! I tell you that there is no Boulevard Bart! Forget it.
The baby is already out.
Sort just your hunting knife and cut the cord "ombrilical.
" Yes Ma'am.
Warning! Kent Brockman here, live from the grave accident in the history of Springfield.
But no need to worry, emergency services in the city are road.
Can we all agree not to involve our insurance? Come on, be nice.
Springfield needs a hero and they need it now! It looks like a job for a father trying to regain the love of his girl! I will have a debt forever and my many creditors.
We were common car and that's all! My mother is still in the car! No, it's not there.
Three encouragement for our new hero! Only three? Ok, six! It's better like that! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! Oh, please, you m'embarrassez.
I submit the highest mark Honorary Springfield: The key to the city! Other problems? Mr Mayor, your administration has been following a fiasco! Who the hell are you? Your responsible press.
I knew I had to hire my nephew.
I am your nephew.
Ok, then it stinks.
Read the charter, gentlemen: I can not be transferred to the office.
Except election by a simple reminder Err, forget the last part.
A new vote! A new vote! A new vote! Mayor Joe 'Diamond' has Quimby survived to 12 re-election campaigns, countless accusations of infidelity, Corruption, extortion, and this bizarre attempted hijacking of a 747.
Ask the plane anywhere, girls become truly wild.
But the mayor might be more difficult through the re-election test next week.
More than 200 people filed their candidacies, your servant, Kent Brockman.
Other news: a classic tool device for the household can kill you.
You can learn more when you voted for Kent Brockman.
My God, all the idiots of the city, more Disco Stu will arise against me.
Just imagine: I think the Mayor.
So no one made fun of my song! I am proud to be American.
I have done.
Luigi Vote! A good government, just as you like, is my priority Vote for me, who abuse steroids, who smokes grass, chasing women, son of Nazi innocent, and Movie Star Has Been.
And I think it would be good to have a open mind on the issue of cloning.
A monster could win! If you are twisted enough, vote for me.
Jimbo: drive with the poor standard even harder with the cons.
Dad, something must be done.
What can I do.
I am only a man.
Licoln was also a man.
Are you sure there was no a miniature in his hat? I read an email about this.
Listen, as a salamander of security, you are loved by all.
And if you were the mayor, to be sure we pourrins only those goods, like me, tell you what to do.
I will apply for the post of Mayor! And I will be the manager of your electoral campaign! And I will discover what a mayor! Dilate my brain, oh juice knowledge! I hate the press conference.
Homer is an opportunity to score points, so on, you removed your costume salamander.
You look like the mascot one of these horrible University of the South.
Margin, without this costume, I am only Homer Simpson, Multi criminal recidivist.
With, I am a hero in costume, as George Washington, or Mrs.
Edna.
Today is the dawn of a new era for Springfield.
The salamander is sitting on eggshells labeled 'Care for the 3rd age', 'flexible' and 'commercial center in downtown pedestrian.
And these eggs are ready to hatch.
Now, I will answer your questions.
What special powers would a salamander in the office of mayor? Well, I have a vision similar to X-rays, a breath of fire, and I can do laugh with tennis balls.
Wow, I did not know that salamanders could do the same things.
And to think that during all these years I was a 'gecko man.
Tire fool you.
M Simpson, a reaction on this picture of where you strangle your son.
Why should we let an election be influenced by a photo from several hours? Now, here candy restaurant for everyone.
Homer, you're out very well.
You are far ahead of the polls.
Even those negative ads have no effect on you.
Simpson has virtually no more work.
It pays for homeless it does its work for him.
I do not feel very well.
People may not like Homer Simpson, but he loves this costume.
In the same way they love this stupid American flag.
What is that smell? It is the smell of imminent victory.
You vomit in this suit? A little.
Did you at least cleaned this suit since you have? No, but I swam it.
I'd better clean this thing.
It's hard to find the limit between man and the costume.
But what you do not have fun in the attempt? It's weird.
At the beginning it was an egg.
Our next question goes to Eleanor Abernathy, also known for Women crazy cats.
Female cats, how would you increase income tax Trade in this city? Encourage small businesses.
Corporate responsibility.
Cats in the pants of everybody.
Very well, thank you Women cats.
It is in the debriefing room.
Okay, okeydokey yeah.
Our next question is for Salamander of security.
Sir, how to fix you the crumbling infrastructure of this city.
This is a very good question Kent.
First What is ? It has certainly narrowed to washing.
Without his costume, this is nothing other than a man.
Ok, dropped.
I will not let a man tell me what to do.
It is true, I am a man.
A man dressed as a salamander for regain the love of his daughter.
I will present.
Well, my son is also there.
I will present it.
Here Bart! What's new? Boring.
It was sick of you and your outbreaks! Please stop giving fruit! The vote shows that none of the candidates has managed to achieve the 5% needed for victory.
And Mayor Joe Quinmby will keep his post in any case I did not want.
You are finished Nazes band.
Dad, you tried to Springfield better city, and in any case, it makes you my hero.
Thank you.
What do you say a dance with your father? I can not believe I lost with all the commercials that Ben Affleck has made.
Yes, I t'avais warned about this.
Take care of my tail.
You no longer tail now.
I know I sense yet.
That so high!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  The Last of the Red Hat Mamas
The Simpsons s17e07 Episode Script
The Last of the Red Hat Mamas
1 (SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) QUIMBY: Welcome to the Mayor's Easter Egg Hunt.
And now my rarely-seen wife would like to say a few words.
Thank you, Joe.
In just a few moments, the hunt will be opened by our own rascally referee, Hugs Bunny.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry, kid.
(GRUNTS) Legally, I'm not allowed to hug you.
Now begin the hunt! Joe! You said your wife was dead! And you said you graduated from typing school.
I have trouble with the space bar.
(CHILDREN CHEERING) Nelson, those don't count as Easter eggs.
Yeah.
But they count as breakfast.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING) Ahhh! It was worth it! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Ralph, there's a hole in your basket.
You're Lisa's brother.
(YELPS) Hey! Nobody pushes around my precious bundle of joy! Oops.
Wrong one.
I'll take that! Too slow, Droolie Joe! Peek-a-boo, I steal from you! (Comma) (BLOWS WHISTLE) Sir, you want to set the baby down? Don't worry.
I just wanna talk.
(GRUNTS) Silly rabbit, kicks are for ribs! (BOTH GRUNTING) (growls) This house has such beautiful wainscoting.
(CHUCKLES) Well, Marge, I didn't know you were into wainscoting.
I read an article about it at the tire store.
Did you know it's not named after someone named Wayne Scott? WOMEN; Oh! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (SCREAMING) You are now in the mayor's office.
This is the switch the mayor uses to call his chief of staff.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) That concludes our tour.
(ALL GROANING) But I'd love it if you'd all join me for tea in the parlor.
Tea? In the parlor? You're like all Easter Bunnies! Can't take a punch to the crotch! Maybe next time you'll think twice before you "volunteer to help children!" Oh, hey, Marge.
(CHUCKLES) This is my husband, Homer.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Ladies.
Marge, is there a small rip in my pants? (ALL GASPING) Homer, please.
We're about to have tea.
No tea.
Security! (SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Oh! Everyone, just go! Way to blow our tea, Marge.
That's the last refrigerator magnet calendar you get from me! We throw those out anyway.
You lie! Stop lying! Hey, goad-lookin'.
Want to snuggle with Tyrannosaurus Sex? (GROWLS) No, I don't! I'm still upset about what happened today.
I don't have many friends.
And when I finally start to make some, you ruin it.
Oh, come on, honey.
You have lots of friends.
There's, uh, Lisa, and the stove.
Hmph! Oh, that poor woman.
I'm gonna find her a friend.
Someone cute, athletic, with a nice laugh.
(CLICKING) (GASPS) My husband and my best friend? (SQUEALS) (GROANS) It's a risk I'll have to take.
What'cha looking for, Lisa? Summer opportunities.
We're going to twin camp.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! "Spend a summer in Rome!" Rome? Founded by twins by the way.
Hey! Where'd she go? Oh, well.
Let's talk in our secret twin language.
(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Okay, Lisa.
To study in Rome, an applicant needs outstanding grades Check.
Uh-oh.
Lisa, it says you have to speak fluent Italian.
Uh, check.
You speak Italian? Of course I do.
Why would I say it if I didn't? (CHUCKLES) Flawless logic.
But I am gonna have to ask you to speak a few phrases to verify your fluency.
(GASPS) Though not now because I have a series of important meetings.
(SIGHS WITH RELIEF) How's tomorrow for you? (WHIMPERS) Because it's terrible for me.
But I'll get back to you, soon.
(WHIMPERS) Son, I need to find a new friend for your mother.
So you're gonna have to finish the shopping yourself.
We're on Food Stamps? I wish.
I made these at work.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) Hmm.
I bet she'd be a good friend for Marge.
She looks defeated, too.
Psst! Psst! (SHOPPING CART SQUEAKING) Why does every woman I try to talk to run into cans? (MAN ON RECORDING SPEAKING ITALIAN) MAN ON RECORDING: I want to rent a small boat.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) I plan to dump this body in the ocean.
Huh? (GASPS) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) This is what you get for asking questions! (GUNSHOTS) (SHIVERS) Oh! Arrivederci, ignorance! Marge, I did it.
I found a woman to be your new friend.
She's waiting in the living room! (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (CAT YOWLS) Hmph.
I'm going out for some air! I bet you can't throw a cat over the house.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (CAT YOWLS) Huh, I was wrong.
MAN: (SINGING) Everybody hurts Sometimes (SIGHS) I guess I'm not meant to have friends.
(WIND WHOOSHING) WOMAN: Stop that hat! (LAUGHS) Whoo! How about this wind, huh? I don't know how you keep your hair so perfect! Johnson's Water Seal.
(CLANKS) (LAUGHING) My name's Tammy.
And these are my friends, the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
(GASPS) The nationwide social organization for women of a certain age? Yeah.
But we don't sit around watching television and eating bonbons.
Well, except on W-bonbon night, which is every Tuesday and Thursday.
What are you doing today? We're gonna have margaritas and poke gentle fun at our husbands.
Would you like to join us? Would I? Now let's see.
Homer cut up my wedding dress to make a badminton net, which he never uses.
He spent my last three birthdays in jail.
Called out his bowling hall's name during sex! Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey! Save it for Johnny Fiestas! ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now, we return to the Vic Tayback Motel and Casino in downtown Las Vegas for Has-Been Celebrity Poker.
As always, all our celebrities are playing for charity.
What! I am so out of here! Wow, Mom! Great red dress! For your information, I am now a junior member of the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
Marge? In a gang? (LAUGHS) What are you gonna do? Shoot me with a frosting gun? Seriously, I would love that.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, you guys make everything fun! (GASPS) That's my Italian tutor.
Oh, hey, Milhouse, I think Bart's upstairs.
I'm not here for Bart.
I'm here to teach you Italian.
Oh, sure.
I get it.
Bart told you I was taking lessons so you thought you'd come over and (SPEAKING ITALIAN) That means, "Please stop and listen.
" I'm the tutor the company sent over.
I'm here to teach you la lingua di arte e la musica.
You really speak Italian? Si.
My grandmother, Nana Sofie, lives in Tuscany.
Since I was a baby, I've spent two weeks there every summer.
Nana hated English because in World War II a G.
I.
left her with Child.
My Uncle Bastardo.
Nana only spoke Italian to me.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) I love you, Nana.
Whoa! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) MILHOUSE: Every time I spoke English, she hit me.
Ow, that hurt! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) I'm sorry I'm so stupid.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) (GROANING) That's howl learned Italian and started wetting my bed.
Anyway, what do you say? Can I be your insegnante? Okay.
If that means "teacher.
" It means "masculine teacher.
" Bye, ladies.
You can text message me anytime.
We already did! (GASPS) MARGE: Ooh! Oh, how cute.
(SNORING) He tried to stay up, but he just couldn't make it.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Buongiorno, Millhouse.
Ah, perfetto.
(GIGGLES) Thank you.
I've been studying.
I even made flash cards.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) My efforts! Oh, Lisa.
You don't learn Italian, you live Italian! Come, we ride to Little Italy.
But first, Hake care of some classroom business.
Lisa Simpson? Present.
Let's go.
(ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) One gelato for, oh, the pretty girl.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, Mr.
Milhouse, thank goodness! Could you translate and help me buy cheese for my lasagna? But Luigi, surely you speak Italian? (SIGHS) No, l donât.
I only speak, how you say, fractured English.
That's what my parents spoke at home.
I had a wonderful time today.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) (GIGGLES) I'm the luckiest boy in the world! Don't be in love, stupid! (GROANS) Tammy, I'd never have the courage to skydive if it weren't for you girls.
Thanks, Marge.
And you know, when we land, we've got a little surprise for ya.
Ooh.
Well, now I really hope my chute opens.
(WIND HOWLING) Goodbye, cruel world! Ladies.
Marge Simpson, we hereby induct you as a full member of the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
(APPLAUSE) I feel a happiness I've never felt.
I not only have friends, I have a hat to prove it.
Now Marge, as a full member, you get to share in all our secrets.
Like our recipe for mock apple pie.
The secret is it's got apples in it.
And now we can tell you the secret plans for our fundraiser.
This year, we're gonna steal one million dollars from Mr.
Burns.
(GASPS) You're joking! You've gotta be joking! You're not joking.
Oh, any other surprises? I'm not a natural redhead.
(GROANS) I'm sorry.
I can't steal.
Not even from Mr.
Burns.
Mr.
Burns promised a million dollars to the Springfield Children's Hospital.
And then Instead of donating this money, I'm going to use it to extend my own life another 10 minutes.
Smithers? And the register? (CROWD BOOING) Release the hounds! (DOGS BARKING) (CROWD SCREAMING) Why would you bring attack dogs to a charity event? I was taking them to the groomers.
(CHUCKLES) (nos PANTING) Who's a stinky dog? You are.
Michelle's going to work on you today.
Yes, she is.
There are 12 Faberge eggs in his vault, each worth a small fortune.
We can get them, but we need your special skills.
When l joined, I never thought we'd be robbing people.
You said you wanted friends! And the one thing about friends is that they stick together! Especially when they're trying to pull off a million-dollar heist.
Maybe we were a little too quick to give you that hat.
Take back the hail She deserves bare hair! ALL: Bare hair! Bare hair! Okay, okay, okay, I'm in! You ladies doing okay down there? Sorry to wake you, Stanley.
Don't let us down, newbie.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Welcome back to Fox Sports West II Classic Fox Sports Fox.
Hey, Marge, where are you going? Oh, heh Well, I'm (STAMMERS) Bird watching.
Wait a minute.
If she's going bird watching, why did she leave our Peterson's Field Guide to Birds on the kitchen counter? (GASPS) Roadrunners are real! (SINGING) Milhouse is teaching me to speak so prettily I'll quip so wittily when I'm in Italy (SIGHS) (GASPS) Milhouse, just what is going on? Run along, Angelique.
But not too fast, huh? (GROWLS) Lisa, Lisa, she is the appetizer, but you are the main course! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Lisa! You're speaking perfect Italian! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (LISA SHOUTING IN ITALIAN) (MILHOUSE GROANING) Now let's see what Marge is up to.
(HOMER READING) (GASPS) (READING) That's Mr.
Burns' mansion! Remind me, Smithers, while we're out, I need to get my eyes re-balled and my brain flushed outwith vinegar.
Yes, sir.
Oh, and your knees will be back from the shop tomorrow.
Excellent.
Okay, Marge.
You're the only one of us skinny enough to squeeze through this vent.
That's my special skill? Well, what'd you think? You're a master of disguise? Not with that 'do.
I thought you liked my hair.
It's all right.
I've gotta stop Marge from doing something reckless and irresponsible! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Lou, we better go after him.
Eddie, you direct traffic.
You're the graceful one.
You got it, Chief.
CLANCY: Look at him tease that Subaru.
And that guy can't find a girlfriend.
I'll never figure it out.
I got the combination from Burns after I let him feel me up during the Depression.
Zero to the right, zero to the left, (DIAL CLICKING) back to zero.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) Marge, l wanted to save you from the cops.
But the cops followed me! Game over, man! Game over! So are you gonna introduce me to your friends? Don't worry, Mr.
Burns.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Excuse me, Lou.
I'm supposed to say that.
Acting like the chief doesn't make you the chief.
If I was acting like the chief, I'd need size 58 pants.
Oh, here we go with the fat jokes.
You know, I just wish you could hit the easy targets on the firing range so well.
Oh, Lou, why do we hurt each other so? Because sometimes it's easier to be cruel than to say what you really feel.
Permission to hug, Chief? Permission (SOBS) granted.
Granted, Lou! Thank you, Chief! Oh, enough! While you morons are canoodling, someone's burgling my miscellanea.
(GUNSHOT) Try to take my eggs, will you? Well, this rooster has a beak.
A beak which calls out death-a-doodle-doo.
Why, you're all women.
I'm not.
I suppose.
But you're certainly buxom and flirty.
Oh, well, l try to have a good time.
All I wanted to do was join a group of women who wore the same outfits! (CRYING) (ALL CRYING) (SIGHS) Oh, no jury on earth would convict a bunch of moist-eyed mothers.
I'll tell you what, ladies.
Give me my eggs back and I'll let you go.
(SOBS) And tell me I'm not fat! (SCOFFS) Well, I guess our fundraiser was a failure.
Don't be so sure.
Ah, Marge, I love you.
But to be safe, sweetie, I don't think we can ever see each other again.
I'll really miss you guys.
I'll never forget the three activities we did together.
(SNIFFLES) Listen, Marge.
No matter where you go in this life, you'll always have one friend who loves you, body and soul.
And Marge, there are certain things I can do for you that no other friend can.
Special things.
(CHUCKLES) Wow, this is special.
(THUDS) I can't believe this happened to me twice!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  The Italian Bob
The Simpsons s17e08 Episode Script
The Italian Bob
Children, we have a special treat today.
Willie? Welcome to diversity tales.
Enjoy your multicultural hooey.
It was the feast of the sea lion who would not share.
Come, brother titi, let us collect cha-cha sticks.
I will make a headdress for the wedding of earth turtle and moon mongoose.
You don't need a headdress.
Your most beautiful costume is your self-esteem.
Pause here to discuss tolerance.
What is this crap? This is worse than "wheelchair-nocchio.
" Yeah, well, if you don't like the movie, feel free to stare out the window.
Hey, cryptkeeper, I like your Dodge scare-a-van.
How dare you mock my mobile-a-mobile? It was the first car to outrun a man.
A caveman.
I thought of that 'cause I slept in a cave last night.
Of all the I will not be lampooned by schoolchildren.
Kill them, Smithers.
You could just buy a new car, sir.
Well whatever's easier.
A new car? May I suggest an Oldsmobile? Mr.
Burns sucks! I won't forget who mocked me.
I'm taking your picture.
Now, hold perfectly still for 78 minutes.
Charge! I mean, yes, sir? I just bought a new car.
A nice foreign number.
The Lamborgotti Fasterossa.
A Lamborgotti Fasterossa? That's the car I think about when I make love to my wife.
Yes.
I need you to pick up my car at the factory in Italy, and ship it directly back to me.
I'll save thousands in taxes.
You're sending me to italy? Yes.
Can I take my family? Sure.
Do I have to hang out with them? It would be nice.
That guy in first class is taking a tv out of his armrest.
What's in you? A bunch of stupid cables.
Hey, Brandine ? The kids just got a new playhouse! Cletus, you are the most wonderful husband and son I ever had.
What's with the Canadian flag on your backpack? Well, some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past, oh, five years.
So, for the next week, I'm from Canada.
I think dad may blow your cover.
That flag is mine! Don't mess with Texas! Shock and awe, losers! Shock and awe! Your car, she's a-coming off the assembly line.
This car is the ultimate marriage of design and technology.
Mariage.
Now we have to drive it straight to Rome, where it'll be shipped to Mr.
Burns in Springfield.
Gee, I wish we could explore a little more of Italy.
Marge, are you encouraging me to be irresponsible? Why don't you encourage him to get us some health insurance? Why you little So, first time in Italy? Wow, I've seen photos of this, but you can't really experience it until you're here: A Mcdonald's where you can get booze! But, dad, don't you want to turn around and see the tower? There's a picture of it on my cup.
When mount Vesuvius erupted, people were overcome by volcanic ash so fast that they were frozen in whatever position they were in at the moment of their death.
Savages.
We've passed the Pontevecchio bridge three times.
I think we're lost.
Let me check the navigation system.
It says here we should turn left at a fat chick in a tutu being fed by a midget.
That's a dvd of a Fellini movie.
I get it.
The midget represents dwarves.
Dad, cheese truck! Mozzarella! Parmigiano! Provolone! Pecorino! Gorgonzola! Fontina! Taleggio! Bocconcini! Mortadella! Don't worry.
We got the cheese insurance.
It doesn't cover mortadella.
No! Stupid Italy.
Wish you'd never been unified by Victor Emmanuel II.
If only you'd stayed a loose confederation of city-states, trading with each other and occasionally warring.
Maybe there's a mechanic in this Tuscan village.
Do you know anything about fixing sports cars? Scusi? It's a Lamborgotti Fasterosa XT 550 with ABS sport tech package.
Americano? Americano? What the hell could that mean? Why can't you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food.
Il mayore capice inglese.
She says the mayor speaks english.
I honor you and your country.
kentucky?! In italia, this a-means "whore"! Excuse me? Mister mayor? They say you speak english? Indeed I do.
Sideshow Bob! The simpsons! Sideshow Bob of all the regioni and all the villaggi in all of Italia, you had to be il mayore of this one! I assure you, I'm as sorry to see you as you are to see me.
How'd you wind up here? Yes, tell us your story.
But it better have a beginning, a middle and an end.
And you'd better make us root for the protagonist.
My tale begins after I had once again attempted to murder Bart.
Okay, so far I'm rooting for you.
I needed a fresh start.
But where? Not in this lifetime! Damn it! Never! Now cut that out.
Tuscany.
Fortune is finally smiling upon me.
I left my past behind and moved to the small village of Salsiccia.
Acceptance came slowly.
It's pronounced "buon giorno.
" Your mouth is getting lazy on the second syllable.
Here, let me guide you.
But that all changed when the grape harvest began.
These feet are made for stomping and that's just what they'll do one of these days these feet will make chianti out of you ready, feet? Start stomping.
It was the biggest harvest ever.
Never had I felt such acceptance.
The next spring, the Contadini elected me their mayor.
But I won more than the love of a town.
Roberto Amore.
This is my bride Francesca and my son Gino.
Holy moley! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.
Well, I experimented in college, as one does.
I never went to college.
Stop the presses.
Hello, I'm Marge.
This is my husband Homer, my daughters Lisa and Maggie, and my son Bart Simpson.
Bart simpson? The name Roberto cries when he has the bad dream.
Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! I make like my daddy! Bart and I used to go fly-fishing together.
Die, Bart! Die, Bart! You shall all stay for dinner and tell me more about my wonderful Roberto.
He makes love like a man who just got out of jail.
You crave my skillful touch.
Now go, take the boy, and shut the door.
I'll rock your world anon.
Simpsons, I beg of you.
Please don't destroy the new life I've created here.
Surely, even the most heinous criminal deserves a seventh chance.
Bob, you haven't told your wife about all the terrible things you've done? Yeah, I tell Marge everything.
Not necessarily in words, but in body language.
You know, sneaking around and such.
Bob, your family will find out the truth.
Sooner or later, you'll try to kill me again.
Watch, I'll prove it.
Come on, Bob, slice, dice and serve on rice.
You little scamp.
You know, you'll make some murderer very happy one day, but it shan't be me.
Bart, bob is a family man now.
You can't be a bad person if you have a family.
And literature is filled with tales of redemption from Jean Valjean to the voice of Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen.
All right, bob, we won't tell your beautiful new family that you're a homicidal psychopath if you fix up our car.
Grazie.
Now I can't undo the past, but I can try to make it up to you.
My humble little town is at your service.
Loro sono miei amici, le Simpsons! Dad, don't act like Mussolini.
I thought I was doing Donald Trump.
Here's a cute fact.
This sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for 600 years.
Prego? Si, si.
And he kisses you with that mouth.
I love you, Marge.
He is so wonderful.
They must miss him in America.
Well eat justice, Sideshow Bob! Chief, I tried to warn you.
Sideshow bob hasn't lived here for months.
Oh, god, am I sorry.
Is that a penn state banner? 'Cause my cousin went there.
Did you know him? Mark Wiggum, fat kid, played a lot of tetris.
Mi amici, we are here to honor my old friends, the Simpsons.
Tomorrow, they return to America, taking with them my gratitude, my friendship and my heartfelt wish that they never return.
And now mangiata! No wine for her.
She's only eight.
Marge, don't be so olive garden.
Yeah, this is Italy.
Look, the town drunk is two years old.
Hey, mambo mambo italiano Bob, your generosity and abbondanza have touched our hearts.
Bra-bravo! Bravissimo! Whoopsie.
I'll just get it out with more wine.
See? It's fine.
Go on, go on with the thing.
It's obvious why Bob is a vaunted pillar of your community.
Yeah, but he's a wanted killer in our community.
He deserves to be hailed at this wingding.
More like jailed at sing sing.
Time for bed, now.
Drunken children tell the ugliest lies.
Sideshow Bob! Sideshow Bob? Il fuggitivo? Roberto.
Is this true? You try to make the murder? But darling, the boy drove me to murder by exonerating a harlequin who I framed for robbery at the Kwik-E-Mart.
It all sounds so stupid.
You have brought shame upon our humble, mafia-controlled village.
You are welcome in Salsiccia no more.
He's getting that stabby look.
Simpson family, I hereby swear a vendetta.
Vendetta means vendetta! Boy, that Sideshow Bob goes from zeroto murder awfully fast.
At least this time it was Lisa who ruined Bob's life.
I feel so sick.
It's called a hangover, sweetie.
And it's an unavoidable part of life.
Simpson? Simpson! Where is my roadster? You were due back a month ago.
Mr.
Burns, we may be experiencing some technical difficulties.
Sideshow Bob! Dad, you're driving on an ancient roman aqueduct.
What am i supposed to use it for transporting water to distant urban centers?! Lazy romans.
Everyone, remember where we parked.
Why do I keep trying to kill them? Roberto! Francesca, you've come to me.
Well, you caught me at the right time because I swear never to raise this hand in vengeance again.
No Roberto.
If the simpsons have dishonored you, they have dishonored our family, and we shall take revenge as a family.
Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta for mi papa! Revenge is a dish best served family-style.
We're in a foreign city with no car, being stalked by a killer.
I feel like I'm the Bourne Identity.
Krusty's in an opera here in Rome.
He can save our lives.
Come on.
Let's go.
OpÃ©ra? They have that here, too? Let's see I ain't doin' that.
That's not funny.
Here we'll change "wealthy merchant" to "nudist with big rack.
" This needs punching up.
That's comin' out.
Two acts?! Krusty, you gotta help us.
I don't do gotta.
Sideshow bob has sworn a vendetta against us.
Vendetta? What's that, an italian vending machine? That's my opening joke.
And my closer.
And my saver.
And my topper.
Please help us, Krusty.
We don't want to be the first christians to die at the colosseum.
I'll tell ya what.
Put on these costumes, go on the stage and mix in with the crowd scenes.
He won't kill ya in front of all those witnesses.
Can I be the Phantom of the Opera? Dad, the phantom isn't in this.
But I do a great impression of him.
I am the gayest super villain ever.
Beware my scented candles.
Scented.
No more Rice Krispies we are out of Rice Krispies Don't blame me.
I didn't write this crap.
I can't believe what that clown is doing to leoncavallo.
And they call me a murderer.
Vendetta.
Vendetta! Vendetta! I don't wish to brag, but he's evil at an eighth grade level.
Vendetta! Vendetta! Let's see, what else we got here? So, I had this beautiful tour guide, right? And I tell her, I want to see her Naples.
She slapped me.
we call it Napoli.
Yeah, well, it sounds like you're all taking a Napoli.
I know you're out there.
I can hear you being greasy.
Ridi, pagliaccio sul tuo amore infranto It's so beautiful.
That's Sideshow Bob! I know, and he's magic.
This is no act.
They're actually trying to kill us! Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor! La commedia Ã¨ finita.
Quick, get in! Krusty, you saved us! Well, I need someone to help me smuggle antiquities to America.
Everyone, break off a piece and hide it on your person.
Hide it well.
Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta! Farfalla.
Farfalla vendetta! Farfalla vendetta! Farfalla vendetta! Homie, isn't Venice romantic? This gondola ride was a wonderful idea.
When a wife looks like that and her husband's so fat that's immoral when she kisses that jerk while I do all the work that's imm Knock it off.
Excusi.
No speaka english.
When a big tub of lard
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Simpsons Christmas Stories
The Simpsons s17e09 Episode Script
Simpsons Christmas Stories
Where's Reverend Lovejoy? He's never been late for christmas service.
Maybe he's cheating on us with the episcopalians.
Look at 'em, with their bright, airy narthex and light, flaky eucharist.
I wouldn't mind dipping Christ is born; who's on my horn? Bad news, Ned.
There's been a horrible train wreck.
So many little plastic christmases ruined.
You want me to deliver the christmas sermon? I feel like I'm born again again! Now, don't be nervous, Ned.
You've practiced this so many times in the shower.
Paper cut! Now there's no one to deliver the sermon.
Did anyone order a hero? Okay, christmas christmas you know how your paper boy always sends you a christmas card with his home address on it? What's up with that? I wanted you to tip me! No tip till they bring back hagar the horrible.
That's not my decision.
It's never anybody's decision.
Anyhoo I'd like to tell you all a little story I call "the first christmas.
" I, for one, am dying to hear it.
A carpenter named Joseph was about to get some frankly preposterous news.
Joseph, you know I have never lain with a man.
Tell me about it.
And yet, I am with child.
A pregnant virgin?! That's every man's worst nightmare.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
That's not all she's full of.
Quiet, you.
Mary, you carry in your womb the son of god, who will grow up to become king of the jews.
So, not a doctor well, he will be able to heal the sick.
But nothing to hang on the wall.
King Herod, we three wise men come bearing gifts for the king of the jews.
We bring gold Frankincense and myrrh, which I am re-gifting, 'cause who needs myrrh? Here's the tag.
Thank you.
Which one should I open first? This is awkward.
The king of the jews we seek is, a newborn child.
Find this pretender to my throne and bring him to me.
Now you wouldn't hurt the little boychik.
Of course not.
Kings don't hurt babies.
Giant pointy swords hurt babies.
Good king Herod! Except you don't really have the "good," so what do you have, really, then? Now, don't you worry.
I got plenty of rooms at my inn.
All with brand-new carpeting.
I think my water just broke! You can have the barn.
Now feel free to come by the main house for breakfast.
There won't be any.
Just keep pushing, sweetie.
The doctor will be here any second.
Shalom, everybody.
I've got some very good news.
Caesar just invented the cesarean.
Get him out of here! I knew I'd like him, but I never dreamed I'd adore him.
I've got the messiah's nose.
I've got the messiah's nose.
Give it back.
Give it back.
He'll kill us all! He looks just like his dad.
Not you! I'm not the father, I'm not a wise man, I'm nothing.
This is the worst christmas ever.
Maybe a little toot off the old wine skin'll cheer me up.
My wine turned into water! Who could have performed such a cruel miracle? why, you little! Joseph, no! He has to stay alive till he's 33, when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified.
Sorry, kid.
Anytime anyone suffers in the world, he starts crying again.
Can you do something? Me? But I'm watching the orange bowl.
Now! You like physical comedy? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk A wise man? Pick two! why, I oughta now, hold still.
I think this nontraditional household just might make it.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph we got a great family.
Now, let's get some sleep.
Herod is coming for the child.
Manger danger! Manger danger! The kid you're looking for is in there.
The other tenants have been complaining about the incessant swaddling all hours, day and night.
Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad, trying to take out a baby.
Don't worry, boys.
No one will ever speak or write of this again.
What a boffo beginning for my book! There they are.
I see his head dealy.
Follow that glow! They put his halo on a duck.
The oldest trick in the book.
What the hell are you doing? Well, he does have a halo.
Hail, quackie! That ought to spruce things up.
What a beautiful hanukkah bush! I say we call it a "christmas tree.
" A christmas tree what a great name.
Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
And did you know That little baby Jesus grew up to be Jesus? I know.
It's weird, isn't it? The energizer bunny christmas special.
I don't know why I'm so run down.
I must be low on christmas spirit.
It's 'cause you're using regular batteries.
You forgot about energizer ultra! Now let me crawl inside you.
Cold so cold.
It's santa! Grampa?! What are you doing in the chimney? Trying to kill Santa.
What's it to ya?! What do you have against Santa? He screwed me over back in WWII! I was a navy pilot in the Pacific.
Bart, why'd you ask him a follow-up question? It just slipped out! Yep, I was a navy pilot in the Pacific, along with my big brother cyrus.
Cyrus? You never mentioned him before.
And I'll never mention him again, but I loved him all the same.
Okay, Abe, let's win this war quick, so we can go home and slowly give black folks more rights.
Kamikazes at two o'clock! Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but oh, my god! The sky is full of that kind of plane that crashes into the boat! Cyrus, you be careful up there.
Nah, I'm not worried, not as long as I have my good luck charm.
Good thing I stole two of these off dead soldiers.
Lieutenant, radio my brother and tell him to watch his tail! Quiet, you.
I'm talking to my best gal.
I miss you, too, Bernadette.
You hang up first.
No you hang up firsT.
No.
You hang up first.
No.
You hang up first.
Cyrus! You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages! I wish I tried reefer! Quit lollygagging and build a fire! I don't have to listen to you.
On this island, military rank means nothing.
We're in a state of nature where the strong of will control the weak.
How dare you drown the king of New Burns Island! How'd you like to be the archduke in charge of coconuts? No! I give up! I give up! Days turned to weeks.
Weeks turned to months.
Months turned back to days.
Even burns was starting to look good to me.
Hey, sailor, my eyes are up here.
By christmas eve, our hopes of rescue were fading.
You know, Simpson, we've had our dustups, so I've made you a little peace offering.
A shaving kit? Is this pomade? It's nothing really, just seagull brains and snail goo.
Thanks, lieutenant.
Merry christmas.
Incoming! Is it one of ours? Who cares? It's christmas.
I want to shoot something.
What in the name of the Tennessee valley authority? Donder! Blitzen! He's german.
That's good eatin'.
You useless waste of socks! That ain't no kraut! We just shot down santa claus! Oh, thank you, boys.
I guess I must have run into a sudden storm.
Yes, yes.
Everything happens to you.
My sleigh! It's ruined! Well, we'll get you up and running or my name ain't young grampa Simpson! Boys, I'm almost ready.
I'm just missing Prancer and Rudolph.
And now to bring joy to boys and girls around the world.
Damn it! Sorry, chuckles, change of plan.
This sleigh is my ticket off this hellhole.
And I'm keeping all the toys for myself! Because, at heart, I'm just a very wicked child.
You backstabber! And I let you spoon me.
Let's go, you flying hat rack! Come on, baby! Somebody should have beat you with a tricycle years ago! Thanks for everything, Abe.
And now I'm off.
I'll be back in a few days to take you ho-ho-home! Well, that's the craziest thing I'll ever see.
Except for that! I waited and waited.
But santa never came back.
If I hadn't invented a jet ski made of coconuts, I'd have never gotten home.
And then when I did, the war was over and the nurses were all kissed out.
That's quite a tale, grampa.
You little It's true, I tells ya! It's Santa! I got an old score to settle.
Doggone it! I missed him again! My brother's lucky watch! Santa must have left it.
Cyrus, I miss you every day.
He misses you, too.
wait! He, what, who?! Your brother didn't die in the war, Abe.
He crashed into Tahiti.
And he liked it so much, he never left.
And now, if you like, I'll take you to him.
Will we be back for the tournament of roses parade? Probably not.
Good, I hate that crap.
Yeah, me, too.
Santa, one thing's still bugging me.
Why didn't you ever come back to pick me up? I kept putting it off and then I was just too embarrassed.
Sorry I never called, Abe.
I was too busy with my 15 native wives.
I said wives, not girlfriends.
No poko-miku for Cyrus! oh my god, it's over.
We're free! It's not over.
It's just intermission.
I said we're free! we're still doing act two.
I'll be the audience.
Boo! This is terrible! I hope I never hear that god-awful nutcracker music again.
I don't know, dad.
This time of year, everybody does it, 'cause you don't have to pay for the music rights.
Really? I've still gotta bake my christmas pie I've gotta get dad a lousy tie.
Christmas crowds is what I hate no time left to procrastinate.
So move your ass and let me pass.
'cause christmas eve is here Why is this Santa suit so snug? Why should I care? It's all humbug I've jacked my prices up so high but there's no junk these saps won't buy last year's eggnog, a green hot dog 'cause Christmas eve is here! These holiday cookies swell my fat cat even though we're not gentile, we'll get together for a while to shoot the breeze and eat chinese 'cause christmas eve is here Christmas is a family day I told grampa we'd be away he's at the door, let's hit the floor 'cause christmas eve is here fine.
I'll spend christmas eve with the raccoons.
You got me a gift? Rancid lard?! You shouldn't have.
Every year at this time, I show what's probably my most requested clip.
Roll it, Freddie.
It's the most wonderful time of the year "Give the audience snowballs," they said.
"It'll be cute," they said.
Okay, time for my annual holiday tradition: Attempting to kill myself.
What's it say? Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me? But I already got you a wool hat.
Maybe next year? Merry christmas, Homie.
I think you're really gonna like this.
That's great.
Now I'll just get my present for you, which is right outside the door.
Oh, my god, I forgot to get Marge a present! I need a present for my wife or I'll have no sex for life diamond ring, a vase by ming some kinda useful kitchen thing I need a store I can break into or a place run by a HDU the christmas rush has cleaned me out I just have jerky made of trout.
I knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.
It's just what I wanted.
Here, Marge, this is for you.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Homer's Paternity Coot
The Simpsons s17e10 Episode Script
Homer's Paternity Coot
Oh, my god! Everything we own is in that house! How often have you driven by a fire and thought, "how can this benefit me?" Well, think no more, and drive on down to the smoke damage outlet store.
Where there's smoke, there's bargains! We've got fire-damaged furniture, smoke-damaged smoke detectors, action figure puddle, something we think was an air conditioner, and boxes and boxes of you figure it out.
Come in today, and meet smokin' Joe Frazier.
I'm only here because my name had "smoke" in it.
Come on, that has nothing to do with it, smokin' Joe.
I could send people to your house, bad people.
Come on, we're going to that store, before the next commercial makes me do something else.
Buy the suit off my back, only $9.
95.
Stop, drop and save! I've never noticed that sign before.
And I'm a very good noticer.
They must have just made this a toll road.
They can't charge me for something I use every day.
What's next, a spatula tax? Well, what choice do you have? Voila! Which is french for "ta-da!" Boy, you sure showed them.
Hey, if she's not paying, I'm not paying.
And if you're not paying, I'm not paying.
Of course you're not-- We're in the same car.
I just wanted us to start talking again.
No one is using the tollbooth! Damn it, we need those 75 cents-es to de-python the town fountain.
Get those cheapskates through that toll by any means necessary! Got it.
No survivors.
No shooting.
But it's already cocked.
All right, shoot it in the fireplace.
what the hello kitty? Tire spikes? They blocked my shortcut.
I'm trapped like the l in a blt.
We've gone over the spikes, Tim! We're gonna have to come up with 75 cents! Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
Be cool for once.
Do it, Marge.
Today, 75 cents, in five years, 80! Assuming voter approval.
My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled.
Seymour! Get out and change the tires! I don't have four spares, mother.
You don't have four anything.
I fell into a burning ring of fire I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher and it burns, burns, burns the ring of fire, the ring of fire Kent Brockman here atop mount Springfield, where the melting ice cap has revealed a discovery so gruesome, we'll give you a moment to get the children out of the room.
That's long enough.
Here it is.
A frozen mailman somehow buried in ice several decades ago.
For further analysis, here's the one scientist who's always home when we call, professor John Frink.
Based on the ice core samples and the size of the mailman's bell-bottoms-- just measure that there-- we have determined he was frozen sometime in the 1960s.
Swinging for all, except for me.
I was making napalm to drop on da nang! The post office has promised to deliver every letter in this 40-year-old mailbag.
So get ready, Mr.
Largo.
you were accepted to juilliard.
I got in to julliard?! I could have been second chair with the Cincinnati Pops! I'm C-3 D-2.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Here you go, pal-y.
What's this, a letter from 1966? This says I ain't allergic to pollen.
So I could have gone to the park and played with other kids! I got to make up for lost time! Sitting in a rocking chair, eating baby crackers Ticktock, ticktock, Ticktock banana a-b-c-d-e-f-g wash those june bugs off of me.
Yeah, I got a 40-year-old letter here for Mrs.
Abraham Simpson.
My grandma? I haven't seen her in years.
She ran away.
Ran away from all this? What a fool.
Hey, grandpa, we got a letter for grandma.
Open it up.
This may be my last chance to invade her privacy.
My dearest Mona.
You've just left my arms to return to your husband, Abe, and already, I ache for you.
" Mona cheated on me? I don't know how she found the time with her late night pottery classes and supermarket trips that took all weekend.
Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading.
Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries? I know I'm just a lifeguard, but I want you to run away with me.
If you don't reply to this letter, I'll know that you've chosen to stay with Abe, "but I know in my heart that the baby you're carrying is mine.
" "love always, M.
" That's ridiculous.
That was my baby in her belly.
Look how happy we were.
What the?! Homer, that means your dad might not be your dad.
I don't care what that letter said.
This man raised me single-handedly.
When I think of all the things he's done for me, the many times he lifeguard? You might bemy real father.
And his name starts with "M.
" Moleman? Mr.
Burns? M.
Night shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films.
Of course I'm your father.
Here, mush up your face, and you look just like me.
See? Yeah, but that also works for the dog's butt.
Hello, handsome.
Well, this whole fatherhood issue could be resolved with a simple dna test.
Nertz to that.
Homer, I fed you and clothed you till you were 13.
If that's not a father, I don't know what is.
I'll be waiting for your apology on the old man bench at the mall.
I sit by the trash so people have to come up to me.
Finished your soda? Ooh, your hair's looking sharp from the back.
Homie, what's wrong? Did those pork chops give you a tummy ache? The only tummy ache is in my head.
I can't stop wondering who my real father might be.
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me time after time if you fall, I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time if you're lost, you can look and you will find me time after time There's only one lifeguard whose name begins with M Mason Fairbanks.
His hobbies are philandering, writing letters, and making up for lost time.
Okay, until you're sure this guy's cool, stick to your cover story.
That sounds hard.
Just do it.
Can I help you? I'm a reporter with the local paper.
I'm doing a story on people who wear sweaters.
Do you mind if I ask you some questions? I'd be delighted, but I must warn you, I don't wear a sweater every day.
Interesting.
Interesting.
So, I infer from all the knickknacks, you're some sort of fruitcake.
No.
Actually, I salvage valuables from sunken ships.
Some call me a treasure hunter.
Oh, that is so cool.
Ooh, a dish of shrunken heads! Those are raisins.
So, you don't have any shrunken heads.
Well, my hat size is a number six.
That is small, right? It's smaller than average.
And this is the lady in my life.
You know it's a boat, right? Indeed I do.
I loved a real woman a long time ago, but, it didn't work out.
well, uh, I'm sure my listeners would love to know the story behind that name.
Listeners? I thought you worked for a newspaper.
No.
I said I worked for a radio station.
but number one with our viewers.
Viewers? Wouldn't that be for a tv station? Well, I I think you're my pappy! Wha?! I found this letter you wrote to my mom, Mona Simpson.
Dear god, I always dreamed this day would come.
And now that it's here, there are so many feelings, I-I Possible daddy! I'm sorry.
I got a little carried away there.
Perfectly all right.
Here's your gum back.
Springfield public access television presents the bully corner with Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney.
Good evening, dumb-asses.
Tonight our guest is oscar nominee william H.
Macy.
Welcome.
Thanks for having me on, guys.
You know, these public access shows remind me of independent film.
Special people, not special effects.
Big hearts, not big budgets.
Very well put.
Now, get him.
So tell us, what's next for william H.
Macy? Besides bleeding.
You know Neve Campbell? Marge, I found my real father! His name is Mason Fairbanks, he has a knife just for cheese, and he talks like this.
Homer, please do that in the loo.
Oh, Homie, you just met this british man.
It's too soon to get so emotionally invested.
Honey, you've given me a lot to think about tomorrow when we're on daddy's boat! Mr.
Fairbanks, looking at your boat, I got to say, grandma bet on the wrong horse.
Now, bart, over the years, I've come to learn that the most valuable treasure is right here.
On this map.
These waters are home to a treasure lost hundreds of years ago-- the famed emeralds of Piso Mojado.
You know, if I was born three months later, emerald would be my birthstone.
Yes.
Fate has a strange sense of humor.
The emeralds were nestled in the bosom of a spanish galleon returning home from the caribbean.
we must pray to Santa Maria to save us.
Santa Maria de Guadalupe, Mistica Rosa, intercede por la iglesia.
One of you was not praying.
It was me.
I was thinking of a joke I heard.
Why you little and now that treasure is somewhere down there.
Wow, that story had everything: Action, treasure, water, a guy.
Would you like to come to our house for dinner? I'd be delighted.
I've dined with the prince of wales, and with killer whales, but only the latter knew how to chew without humming.
Listen, uh, old-timer, I-I'd like you to meet Mason Fairbanks.
You! First you stole my wife, and now you're trying to steal my family.
Perhaps I couldn't have stolen anyone, had you give them what they needed.
I was busy telling young people to get a haircut.
Mason, come see my room.
Homer, look what this is doing to grampa.
We have to settle this question once and for all with a paternity test.
I'll take any test you want.
Eye test, pap test, memory test, memory test, vinnie testaverde, Ferrari Testarossa Grampa, stop.
Never! President's physical fitness test, sealtest ice cream, testor's airplane glue Now, Homer, I'll compare your sample to the ones from grampa and Mr.
Fairbanks.
Then, bingo who's your daddy! Will become abundantly clear.
I've prepared a t-shirt for you that covers either eventuality.
I have the results.
Oh, god.
Whatever happens, Abe, I hope we can be civil.
Ah, poop in your fist.
At least I can make both.
Homer's biological father is Mason Fairbanks.
Who's Mason Fairbanks? This guy.
See, Abe, we're still visiting you, even though we have no biological obligation.
You've said that three times already.
Well, then you think of something.
I guess Homer couldn't make it, No, but he told us to say hi.
Hi.
So, what setting is that fan on? Medium.
I would've guessed low.
You would've guessed wrong.
Today I'm filled with joy: Searching for treasure with my long-lost son.
My dream for each of you is that you find the happiness I feel today.
a real wetsuit instead of one that is just painted on.
Missed a spot.
There we go.
These waters contain some of mother nature's most stunning creatures.
That's what you get for being luminous, jerks.
Homer, look.
The treasure of Piso Mojado.
Hey, guys, we found the treasure.
When I get to shore, I'm bringing it right to the bar.
See ya soon, Homer.
We got somebody else coming in.
This is w-a-3-q-I-zed.
Do you read me? Seymour! Isn't it about time you made a real friend? Mother, please.
I'm communicating with my fellow hams.
How do it talk? Push this button here? You're all losers! Which way did Mason go? That must be him over there.
What do I do? What do I do? Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Grab daddy's keys.
Grab daddy's keys.
I love that little guy.
what the heck? I drew this picture of you.
It's beautiful.
Homer, on your wedding day, I want you to have this.
It may not be much, but it's all I've got.
That is so sweet.
I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough.
Dad Dad, you've been in a coma for three days.
They had to feed you through a tub.
Homie, I always believed you were going to make it no matter what that pushy casket salesman said.
Well, Homer, now that you're alive again, I'll leave you with your real family.
Wait.
Can we have a moment in private? Of course.
As I lay dying on the ocean floor, I remembered everything you've done for me.
To hell with that stupid DNA test and its 99.
99997% accuracy, you're my dad and I love you.
I love you too, Homer.
And now there's something I've got to tell you.
I really am your father.
But how? After seeing how happy you were with horatio homewrecker, I made a decision.
I switched the names on the dna samples.
Then I put my name first on the list for a new heart.
My old one's fine, but you never know.
Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else.
Ah, dad.
Oh, Homer.
Now why don't you stay for dinner.
It would be my pleasure, son.
Send up two hams.
Hey, this one's cold.
Listen, I wanted to ask you if you could do something my former father never did for me.
Anything, son.
Teach me that the stove is hot.
Very well.
No, Homer, mustn't touch.
I said no, Homer.
All right, nap time.
But I'm not tired.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  We're on the Road to D'oh-where
The Simpsons s17e11 Episode Script
We're on the Road to D'oh-where
well, well, Bart Simpson in trouble again.
School hasn't even started yet.
What can I say? I missed you, Myra.
How's things with you and Frank? That bum! He says his divorce will be final next week.
So why is she pregnant again? You hang in there, beautiful.
So, where's the skin-man he's out admiring his new car.
Ah, 1995.
A fine year for Camrys.
No one would ever guess you spent three months in a lake.
Ay, caramba! Thank you, satan.
Just think, Milhouse.
From now on we'll always be "those kids who got into the steam tunnels.
" Now I gotta warn you we could get in trouble.
I don't mind! Trouble's a form of attention.
Gentlemen, the moment has finally arrived.
I'm rentin' a party bus and takin' all you regulars to Las Vegas.
Nevada?! That's right.
Moe, why you bein' so generous? You're usually so stingy and rat-like.
Yeah, well, you remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and I got a huge settlement and a new rope! Hey, nice rope.
You could hang a cow with that thing! These steam tunnels are awesome.
It's like we're in the school's lymphatic system and we're the lymph.
Oh, my god! My dad had a long talk with me about this, but you can't believe it till you see it! The cafeteria loading dock! Look we're having pizza tomorrow! I'm gonna eat a lighter breakfast.
well, we made it to the valve room.
Now we can leave without touching a valve.
What a tale that'll be.
Hey, we can't leave here without turning one little valve.
Yeah, it'd be like going to Amsterdam and not taking a walking tour of famous doors.
That's odd, we only turn the heat on for parents' night.
What the F-minus? Steeeaam! Grover cleveland's second term was, if anything, more uneventful Look, a new kid! Get him! Our instruments are rusting! We're going a cappella, people! I've got two kinds of wet in my pants! God, it's so hot I need a drink.
No water fountain outwits Willie! Maybe I'll just have a soda.
This wood is more buckled than a pilgrim's hat.
But who's responsible? Don't bother struggling, I've got your scruff.
Can I cut a deal? I'll give you Milhouse.
I don't want Milhouse.
Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.
Myra, can ya help me out here? Forget it.
This used to be a croissandwich.
Now, it's a ham and cheese car crash.
Yes, thank you, Myra.
To highlight the seriousness of Bart's offense, superintendent chalmers will be joining us by video uplink.
And joining me by video uplink, state comptroller Atkins.
Can we move this along? I'm attending an important conference here in Scottsdale.
You're in Scottsdale? I'm in Scottsdale! At the Hyatt room 381! Get outta here! I'm in 502! Hey, do you guys have any ice buckets down there? No, we've been using shower caps.
Skinner! You made that tv show really mad.
Yes, well you won't think it's so funny when we send Bart here.
"Upward bound: "The toughest behavioral modification camp in northwest Oregon.
" It's the only place cruel enough to straighten Bart out.
They use a proven concept "tough hate" to turn around foul-mouthed hooligans.
Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.
This camp's got it all.
Climbing some kind of rope thing.
Wearing a backpack.
High-fiving the black kid.
It's the perfect thing to straighten you out.
Got it.
Now I have a ring tone for my brand-new cell phone.
No wires at all.
Except this one.
Hey, check it out.
I made it partially risquÃ©.
Hey, guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp.
Then I'll be back to go to Vegas.
Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.
What's your system? I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.
One child to Portland.
He's your problem now.
It seems he was our problem before.
You son is on the "no fly" list.
Why, there must be some mistake.
There's no mistake.
It seems, the last time he flew unescorted Welcome to Atlanta.
Please keep your seat belt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do.
Thanks a lot, 33C.
Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis, and I'm very tired.
Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp.
Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.
Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.
Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.
Dang.
Homer ain't coming.
And Nelson saw something funny.
Stupid Bart makes me drive to Oregon, home of unspoiled forests, birthplace of Matt Groening.
Dad, neither of us want to go.
Why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose? You mean fun Homer? I'm afraid serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.
Fight back, fun Homer! Together we can win! It's no use.
Come on, serious Homer! Let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs.
I'll kill you the way I killed intellectual Homer! While the boys are gone, we'll sell all their useless junk, and replace it with knickknacks and curios.
I already made up a yard sale sign.
You know, your father saved every book report he ever wrote.
And every one was stuart little.
Not to mention this powerpoint demonstration he did just last week.
My Malibu Stacy heads! Bart blamed this on the dog.
I didn't pet him for weeks.
I'm sorry I doubted you, boy.
Come on, dad, we got a long way to go.
You can't stay mad at me the whole time.
Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act.
Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
At least you have something you're good at.
I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes.
Mmm snickers pie! So, I see you're also traveling with your son.
What boy prison are you taking him to? Actually, Justin and I are going to the Oregon Shakespeare festival.
Sir peter hall, himself, is directing.
See, Bart? I told you things could be worse.
I'm getting a sweatshirt with Shakespeare's face on it.
Well, we better get back to the prius, son.
Don't forget the menu for our scrapbook.
Did you see that? They were eating melon for breakfast.
Look at me! I use a napkin.
Well, dad, we may not always get along, but we'll never be that lame.
I bet they're from Massachusetts.
You know, it's legal there for a guy to marry his son.
Well, I guess it's tinkle time.
Don't forget to wash your hands, Shakespeare! So, here for a snack before they roll you back into the ocean? Yeah.
I'll have the smiley-face breakfast special.
But could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o'clock shadow made of bacon bits, and A bacon body.
How 'bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat? I'm kidding.
Fine! But the bacon man lives in a bacon house! No, he doesn't! You know who would really like this place? Bart.
Wait a minute.
Where the hell is Bart? You little monster! show your face this minute! Bart, where are you?! Hey, Stavros, there's a guy in your bathroom trying to dine-and-dash.
What?! No one dashie-dine on Stavros! Why you little I'm stuck! Someone's hitting my butt with something! Is frying pan! Leave your ass, Homer.
Leave your ass.
Let me get this straight.
I get all of Bart's action figures, Homer's treasured Mr.
Plow jacket, and these power ranger underoos, which I am already wearing, for only 3.
95? That's right.
Give me five minutes alone with your fridge, and you have a deal.
Fine.
We've only brought in $5.
00.
And that came from Mr.
Flanders buying back his own stuff.
My LP of dreamcoat?! How I love my coat of many colors it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and and purple and white and pink and orange and red and yellow and green and brown scarlet and black and ochre and peach.
My yard sale is a failure.
I guess I'll have to give everything to the salvation army.
We don't want it! Mm dexonumb.
Somnodoze.
Percolax.
Are these for sale? I guess.
They're Homer's expired pain medications.
I'm in a lot of pain.
I'm, breaking in a new pair of flip flops, and my thong notch is on fire! How much? A dollar.
Per pill, right? I'll take a dozen of each.
Drugs in a bottle.
I feel like Elvis Presley.
This is so much safer than buying my illegal drugs at the playground.
Bag or keister? Surprise me.
I'll take all your estrogen.
That's a female replacement hormone.
It's for a friend.
Who's trapped in the body of another friend.
So, Lenny, How's it goin' in Vegas? Pretty boring, I'll bet.
Yeah, kinda.
Can't talk now, Homer.
I'm too satisfied in every way.
I got you now, boy.
Oh! Boy! Push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself.
If I save you, what are you gonna do to me? Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are.
I'll kill you! I'll kill your whole family! Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship.
I'm gonna double kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave.
Then I'll dig you up and kill you again! That's the beauty of a shallow grave.
You sweet little angel.
I'm gonna rip your head off and spit down your adorable little neck, because I want to smash your little stupid head But I love you.
We'll go on a fishing trip.
But first I'm gonna put you on a sawmill, then punch your little face out! That's what I'm gonna do! I'm here for the, yard sale? That was yesterday.
No, I mean the yard sale.
What are you talking about? Can I buy some pills? Well, maybe someone else can help you, but I am not a drug grocer! I'm out of drugs! See how much money I made?! Chief Wiggum.
Are you still with the police department? Save it, Ma peddle! Ma peddle? It's a reference to ma kettle.
A popular movie character from the '40s.
If you have to explain it, it's not good, chief.
Well, boy, you made the right choice.
I think this is the first step to a new, closer relationship between us.
Dad, I think you actually enjoy seeing your own son suffer.
Je n'aime pas ca.
Being a father is just a job.
Long hours, no pay, and at the end, all you get is someone yelling, "you screwed me up"! Well, maybe if you enjoyed me more, I wouldn't be so screwed up.
Hey, I enjoy you plenty.
Talking time is over.
Don't worry, Mr.
Simpson.
We're gonna take his "sass" and turn it into "siss.
" Thank you, colonel.
I'm not a colonel.
This is a boy scout uniform that I dolled up.
Come with me, son.
Now kiss your childhood good-bye.
Vegas here I come! I miss you, dad.
Hey, Homer, you wanna eat my shorts? Don't gamble on my love, Homer.
I miss Bart.
I can't leave him in that awful camp.
I'm coming, boy! Oh! Oh, wait.
Get off here.
I bet this looks cool from overhead, though.
Vegas, here I come! Right.
Bart.
Nicely chopped, Simpson.
I've learned so much in my three hours here.
I don't have to play pranks to feel good.
I can just listen to the gentle rhythms of nature.
Stupid horse! It's a deer crossing! Wipe the blood off the windshield and get in the car, boy! Dad? Son, I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago.
Taking you to Vegas! I'm gonna order a steak dinner and eat it on the toilet! And don't you try to stop us.
Actually, we were gonna call you, Mr.
Simpson.
Your credit card was declined.
Try this one! Homer, I hope you get this.
I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail.
Hurry! Marge.
Me and Bart got in a fight with this really un-cool pit boss and now we're in Nevada state prison.
Also, I don't know where Bart is.
If you see him, say "hey.
" Well, maggie, I always knew it would some day boil down to just you and me.
I'll look for work in the morning.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale,lapinot59 & Toki
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  My Fair Laddy
The Simpsons s17e12 Episode Script
My Fair Laddy
Children, your gym teacher, Ms.
Pommelhorst, has a brief announcement.
This is very emotional for me.
I'm taking a leave of absence.
I will return in the fall as Mr.
Pommelhorst, your new shop teacher.
We're telling you children now, so you can adjust and not make jokes.
Looks like there'll be some new wood in shop class! Precisely the type of wordplay I seek to discourage.
New wood.
Now, please welcome your new gym teacher: Coach Krupt.
Today, we're going to play a game that's as old as pain itself: Bombardment.
I'm intrigued.
What are the rules? Duck or die! Bombardment, deal with it.
Bombardment, life's a bitch, son.
Bombardment! Bombardment! Walk it off.
Bombardment! Bombardment! I caught it, I'm safe! Son, are you okay? I guess.
Bombardment! Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
Well, tell your regular bully.
He won't like it one bit.
Marge, I ripped my pants, the only pants that understand my complex heinie.
That was your last pair.
How did it happen? Normal wear and tear.
My ass! Sir, your go-cart's damaged! I paid for 50 laps, and I'm going to take them! I'll have to go to every store in the pants district to find another pair like these.
Homie.
Kiss rubber, loser! You cry like a little girl, Amy.
Come on now; those were just baby teeth.
How much longer can this go on? I see you like reading.
How do you like bombardment? Bombardment! Bombardment! "Bombardment! Bombardment! How do you like bombardment?" I'll show him.
Time for the bombarded to become the bombardier.
Why did I put this in here? My saxophone! Yeah, that's why.
You're a jerk! I'm telling mom.
Van Houten.
Here, sir.
But my doctor says no more bombardment.
Well, here's a second opinion.
Muntz.
Do your worst; I'm drunk.
Well, welcome to A.
A.
: Always attacking.
Simpson.
Simpson! Here.
Bart's got an ice ball.
What is your major malfunction, Simpson? You will defrost, drain, and surrender that ball.
And I will use it to bombard you.
Bombardment! Kid power! Me shack, it's ruined! You red rubber home wrecker! Listen, I'm real sorry I busted your shack.
Let me make it up to you.
I know a ravine where there's a rusted-out car.
Don't be tantalizing me with tales of ravines and rusted-out cars.
I'll only be getting me heart broke.
That's my mom.
I got to go.
I finished nailing this board.
Yeah, you're out of nails.
Poor Willie.
Would you like to spend the night with us? I don't need your charity, not as long as I've got a pan over me head.
That's not a pan, it's a colander.
Aw, so that's where all my soup went.
Thanks for taking me in, missus.
Please accept this in return.
It's me most prized possession.
It's a sculpture made of children's lost retainers.
It's lovely.
I like this part in here, the way it, it goes.
willie, I hope I'm not being too personal, but you seem resigned to a life of abject squalor.
My family is used to it.
Me grandfather used to get sent down into the mines to make sure it was safe for the canaries.
Don't you ever hope for anything better? Something better? For Willie? + All I want is a place somewhere And? That's it.
Maybe you could aim a little higher.
Well, let's see + To have me shack rebuilt get my rotten teeth + all drill't something on underneath me kilt + wouldn't it be adequate? + Matching shoes for both me feet dining on untainted meat + a toilet what still has its seat + wouldn't it be adequate? + Adequate + adequate + Wouldn't it be adequate? You're right, Lisa.
I do want to better me lot, to live like a normal that's great.
Good night.
Bart, willie could have a better life, if only someone showed him how.
I bet I could turn him into a proper gentleman.
And I will do it in time for the school science fair.
You're on, Lis.
I think you'll find that, deep down, anyone can be civilized.
Good night, Willie.
Good night.
Willie, in the next few weeks I'll be teaching you poise, pronunciation and posture.
Let's see you stand up as straight as you can.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
I'm too far off the ground! Lisa, come up here and help me down! So, how'm I doin'? Mr.
Simpson, i appreciate how much you love our big blue trousers, but I'm afraid we just don't make them anymore.
Sales plummeted after our disastrous super bowl ad.
Big blue pants.
When you no longer care if you're attractive to women.
Mr.
Stern, would you make those glorious blue pants again if I whipped up public interest for them? Of course, but how? Through an advertising campaign so fresh and exciting, I haven't even thought of it yet! Well, what have I got to lose besides the factory that's been in my family for generations? How long is this commercial, anyway? I don't know, I've never made it to the end.
OK, how do you address an archbishop? I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya for what ya done to me! Lisa, you're a sweet lass, but it's hopeless.
Like me dad told me you'll never amount to anything! You were born trash, and you'll be lucky if you grow up to be garbage! Would you like to cut the cord? Let him cut it himself, it's time he learned life ain't one big party! That was the last time we really talked.
what the hell are they doing in there? Lisa bet Bart she can turn Willie into a proper gentleman.
That's as unlikely as Kearney going around the world in 80 days.
Eighty days ample time to circum navigate the globe, booger breath.
You, sir, have a wager! I shall hold the money! To istanbul! Wrong way, dingus! Homie, what's that? On the back of your head.
It's called "headvertising.
" It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Well, it creeps me out.
Wow it glows in the dark.
It's not supposed to.
All right, let's just try one more lesson.
Repeat after me: "What flows from the nose does not go on the clothes.
" What flows from me nose It's no use! I'm not very cultured.
I don't even have a last name! Care to concede that bet? No.
Come on, willie, I believe in you.
What flows from the nose does not go on my clothes.
Say it again! + What flows from the nose does not go on my clothes.
+ I think he's got it yes, he's got it + what flows from the nose does not go on my clothes a talking mirror! + Where is that ghastly flow? + The nose + the nose! + And where should it not go? + Blue pants, blue pants! Dad! Get your own song.
Fine.
I'm getting blue pants in the morning ding dong, the zipper's gonna shine Gee, Homer, if those blue pants mean that much to you, they must be the greatest.
I'm getting two pair today! I don't get this.
This guy paints his noggin, and you guys are ready to buy pants.
Meanwhile, I been paying for that billboard outside for a year now, and it's not yieldin' nothin'! You don't have to look at me.
You don't have to look at me.
Well, he does have billboard money.
Talking billboard money.
But he might be right for my friend.
Behold, the first machine that accurately measures surprise! Really? Miss Lisa Simpson.
Master Bart Simpson.
And mister G.
K.
Willington, esquire.
I have the strangest feeling I've met him before.
And you may meet him again, as your new father! Hubba, hubba, mommy like! If you ask me, the royal shakespeare company's latest season was much ado about nothing.
I get that reference.
And you can get me any time you want, handsome.
I would be delighted to dine with you on the 12th.
You're a smash, G.
K.
! It feels so sublime.
I feel like I + could be indoors all night + could use a fork and knife + and never soil my suit + I could be so polite + start not a single fight and still not feel like a fruit + how very nice that there's no lice + in my hair and my toenails I don't bite + now that I've reached the stage + where I'm not full of rage + I could be indoors indoors, all night! Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to announce the winner of the science fair.
Though I must note, I'm surprised Lisa Simpson didn't enter a project this year! That's where you're wrong, principal Skinner.
I did enter a project, and it's been in plain sight the entire evening! Mr.
G.
K.
Willington is not who he seems.
In fact, he's someone you all know quite well.
Is it me? I give you groundskeeper Willie! Well, mother, aren't you glad you didn't get more intimate with him? Who said I didn't? Maybe there's room on my sports wall.
Now you have a friend.
Good morning, Lisa.
What's the lesson for today? How to smoke a pipe while summoning a falcon? Put the kettle on, featherbee.
I'll be home soon.
Willie, there are no more lessons.
You're a proper gentleman, my work is done.
But I don't know what to do with myself.
All I've ever been is a groundskeeper.
And that job's taken.
Skinner dumped it on the next-lowest guy on the totem pole.
For goodness sakes! How did I get up here?! I think this is the perfect job for the new you, Willie.
It requires sophistication, tact, and you get to meet the highest class of people.
Good evening, sir I'm your maitre d'.
What's the "d" for? Dimwit? Laugh, jerk! I don't need your charity titters.
Now, say hello to my girlfriend, Charity Titters.
Right this way, ma'am.
Thank you.
No! Not now! Not now! Wait till we get to the booth.
I'm so glad you washed that stupid logo off your head.
Well, it did its job.
Everyone's wearing blue pants now.
Ay! El hombre invisible lleva pantalones azules! I'd like to get into some blue pants right now.
what are those doing there? Earning us a hundred bucks a week, that's what.
Except the maine potatoes one.
It's just a reminder to myself.
Hey, maitre d'! May I help you, sir? These rolls are stale! Bombardment! Bring me some more! Bombardment! And, some iced tea for the lady, please.
Bombardment! + I've a fancy suit and a clean white shir + but I miss the days when tractor fumes + blew up my skirt I was freezing cold + and I slept in mold but I long for the shack + where I lived she was true to me + my old home of wood and when I passed out drunk + from turpentine she understood + life was so sublime + well boo-hoo 'cause I'm + hanging ferns in the shack where you lived! If I had your voice, I'd talk-sing everything.
So, how you doing, willie? I'm ebullient! I'm bubbling with glee! I'm bloody miserable! I miss me crap shack! Hey, that's my table.
Amscray! Sir, there are many other tables available.
None that has a view of the yoga studio.
Yeah, baby.
Greet the sun.
Downward dog.
Sir, there is a child present.
Hey, when I'm off the clock, kids can jump in the lake.
Now get out of my booth, duchess of cornball.
Very well, sir.
But my name is Willie! Now, may I show you the dessert tray?! Dessert tray, that's a great gag.
Can I use it? I'm taking it anyway! It is with great joy and a sense of, once again, everything is back to where it started, that we welcome our once and future groundskeeper, willie! Now let's all enjoy some punch and cookies.
Willie, you can start cleaning up now.
With pleasure! Heaven, I'm in heaven Willie, please express yourself through mopping.
All right.
And when you're done, here are the keys to your new shack.
It's just like I remember.
With one little difference.
You made that for me? I think I'll need a moment alone.
I understand.
I liked it the way it was! synchro: Ale, Toki & Job22 trad: Ale, Mike & G1z
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  The Seemingly Never-Ending Story
The Simpsons s17e13 Episode Script
The Seemingly Never-Ending Story
Checking out a cave is gonna be awesome! It'll be dark with rocks and mineral formations and plants that have adapted to harsh wait a minute! This is a scam.
We're on a nature walk! Don't worry, Bart.
I brought something that'll keep you interested-- a nickel in a water bottle! He'll sleep tonight.
Where'd it go?! where'd it go?! It's in the cap.
Local Anahoopi indians believed this stalactite was the finger of Tsisnajini, their god of pointing down.
Silly indians.
Our god made their god.
It's so impressive.
I'm just gonna get a tiny chip to put on my desk at work.
Save me, Tsisnajini! I'm stuck! And I have to pee.
Now I'm just stuck.
Don't worry, Homer.
We'll get that fireman who cut you out of that teacup ride.
That was two firemen, a crane and snow white.
Why you little! This chamber's not on the map! We could be stuck in here forever if we don't find a way out! Well, we better start looking.
Don't leave me! I hate to be alone! Except when I'm watching TV, then leave me alone.
But right now, don't leave! I'll stay with you, dad.
Will you tell me a story? Sure.
Once upon a time, in a far-off kingdom No unicorns.
All right I'll tell you something that happened to me last week.
I was walking home from school when suddenly I heard Hello, Mr.
Bighorn sheep! I've read about you.
You're shy, and you rarely approach humans.
And of course you'd never attack a fellow herbivore! Mad beast! Liberal midget! Good lord! A wooly bully! Run! Run! Come on.
Enter password.
Damn it! I forget! Forgot password? Enter place of birth.
Pangaea.
Correct.
Your password has been e-mailed to you.
So long, sucker! I mean, don't leave an old man to die.
So long, sucker! Maybe Mr.
Smithers will help us.
No, he's out getting a spray-on tan.
He comes back orange and stains the furniture.
The man's a walking creamsicle! You worked at Moe's? Yes and therein lies a tale of woe and heartbreak.
One I couldn't possibly recount.
I understand.
I'll just read a magazine.
Okay, here's the story: I belong to a very exclusive club, the excluders' club.
One day, while I was savoring the exclusivity Wait, wait, wait, wait Now you're telling me Burns's story? Yeah it's like the play within a play in Hamlet.
Let's see it's like when you watch old home movies of you watching TV.
Gotcha.
One day a new member arrived at the club Who's this dried-up ol' apricot? I'm in oil.
What's your racket, slim? Nuclear power.
I make money using my brain, not sticking a pole in the ground and praying for goo.
You need to get your hands dirty, poindexter! Dip 'em in a little Texas crude! Down in Houston, we call that a fort worth shampoo! Sir, I challenge you to a duel! You got it! A bullet in the brain at high noon! At my age, that could kill me! How about we settle things with a scavenger hunt? You're on, twiggy! Sorry 'bout that.
Gentlemen, you will each be given an identical list of ten items.
The first person to collect all items on said list is the winner, and shall receive all of his opponent's worldly possessions.
I'm gonna win me a nucular plant! Dream on, bitch.
Scavengers scavenge! I'm bald! I had but one item left on the list a picture of myself with a smiling child.
what could be easier? It's the boogeyman's grandfather! He's gonna drink our bones! Smile! Like this! I won! Everything yours is mine! Hiyo, Smithers! Away! With nowhere else to turn, I spent the first three days with relatives.
I had to get a job.
And I had to start at the bottom.
But to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe.
Hey, bar-boy, this table's wobbly.
Come jam your foot under it.
sHey, bar-boy, write a play where I meet Henry Ford and captain Kirk.
Hey, bar-boy, dance around like an idiot.
Like this! I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid! I'm a little busy.
Can I do it later? Sure! You're gonna be all I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid!" Burns sure will look like a jerk later! At $5.
15 an hour, it would take an eternity to make my fortune back and fica wasn't helping.
But then, for once in my life, things went my way.
I steamed the letter open with Moe's cappuccino machine.
If you're reading this, I am dead, and you are about to learn the story of my treasure.
Treasure?! Treasure?! Moe has a cappuccino machine?! we couldn't find a way out.
But on the up side, I found some cave paintings and made them awesome.
Boy, come here and listen to Lisa's story.
It's about Moe's treasure.
So to contin ue with the sad sto Ry of Moe's treasure.
It was the first day of summer.
I was heading to the restaurant supply store to buy some urinal cake mix when I was suddenly sideswiped by love.
There she was, the gorgeous new girl in town, Edna Krabappel.
You poor man.
She had gossamer hair, limpid eyes and the rack of an angel.
I see you're new to town.
Maybe I could show you around.
I know a terrific tavern.
My ex-husband was a drunk.
I hate bars, saloons, nightclubs, and most of all, taverns.
Yeah, me, too.
That's why I'm not a tavern keeper.
What do you do for a living? Me? Well I, for a living? Well, there's, all kinds of things a fella can do, such as hemming and hawing and, but me, I'm a highly respected therapist for alcoholics.
Wow.
I knew that in order to win her love I needed to get rid of the human garbage otherwise known as my best friends.
Get out of my come on! Barney, how do you keep getting back in? I'm a drunk.
I don't know nothing about how I do anything.
Fly me to the moon let me play among the stars for one sweet summer, I was a true gentleman.
As a result of which, Krabappel was letting me do her.
So, Mrs.
Krabappel, you got any plans? In the fall, I'll be teaching fourth grade at Springfield elementary.
That's great.
Wonderful bunch of kids.
Lab partners don't treat lab partners like this! Shut up and attract lightning.
Edna, you've made me feel love where before there was only pain.
Come here, you.
Oh, geez.
Hey, Moe.
Thanks to you, I've been sober a week.
Yeah, me, too! We're all sober.
These are some of the local alcoholics I told you about.
Don't pigeonhole us.
We have other vices.
I dress up like a baby.
Come on, guys, let me give you some counseling over here.
Listen, boozebags, I got a good thing going here.
If you mess it up, I will out the one of you that is gay.
So, where were we? I had to get Edna out of Springfield, make a fresh start in a new town far away, a place where we can play bridge with our neighbors.
And if they're interested in wife-swapping, who am I to say no? Hey, I'm just the new guy.
But where would I get the money to start a new life? And then opportunity strolled right in the door.
Yes, well, I need directions to the Springfield natural history museum.
I totally have a donation for them.
Coins money gold! See, this was back before snake became a notorious jailbird, when he was an idealisc, law-abiding young archaeologist.
I was, like, excavating this mayan pyramid, and I totally unearth these gold coins, and I'm all like, could you be any more pre-columbian? You can't donate that gold to the museum today, because, it's closed, so they can clean under the wangs on the statues.
Well, no problem.
I'll just spend the night in that motel across the street there.
Love had handed me an awful dilemma.
Should I rob this guy or rob him and kill him? I decided to do the right thing.
I've been robbed! I'll take my revenge on society by which, I mean convenience stores.
And who would suspect me, professor Jailbird?! Before we left town for good, we had to make one stop, so she could tell the school she wouldn't be teaching there.
Back in a flash, my sweet little gargoyle! I was the happiest guy in the world.
But fate likes to play a little game called up yours, Moe.
Moe, we need to talk.
About what? How nothing changed when you were in there? Not exactly.
You see, when I went inside Young man, it's summertime.
What are you doing here? I've got detention all summer.
Why? Because I'm a screwup.
My sister's the smart one.
All I do is get in trouble.
Sweetheart, do you want to do better? It doesn't matter.
Everyone's pretty much given up on me.
I bet I won't even make it through fourth grade.
You'lle it through fourth grade, because I'm going to stay here and be your teacher.
Wait, wait, wait.
There's one thing I don't understand here.
You never had detention all summer.
That load of crap? No, I was just keeping her busy while Nelson stole microscopes.
Make with the story.
Well, my best recollection of Burns' paraphrasing of what he read in moe's letter is that Krabappel told Moe I have to stay here in Springfield, because boys like Bart Simpson need me sweet, misunderstood boys, who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness that's trapped inside them and is desperately trying to get out.
There was nothing I could do.
Well, except go nuts.
You crazy skirt! Nobody backs out on fake good Moe! I ought to! why do you all! in other words I love If I couldn't spend the treasure on Edna, I didn't want to spend it.
I just sat there playing our song on the jukebox, one gold coin at a time.
" Oh, you poor man.
You're about to get a lot poorer.
okay, I'll take your gold and give you back all your worldly possessions, 'ceptin' your nucular plant.
You don't get that back till you bring me a photo of yourself with a smiling child.
what the hell could that mean to you? I'm obsessive-compulsive! One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
No nucular plant without a photo.
One, two, three, four.
That's where we left off.
One, two, three, four.
So, without my beloved nuclear plant, I have nothing to live for.
Take me, a barren old thistle, and spare this sweet young flower.
My pearl necklace.
I must have lost it, and you were just bringing it back to me? How did you find this? The sheep was no danger at all.
I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing.
This must be what it's like to have a baby.
I want a photo of the hero who risked his life to save me.
A picture of me with a smiling child.
I can get my plant back! Mr.
Burns got his plant back, and I like to think I found a shred of humanity in his withered soul.
Dad, did my story make you cry? Well, it was very moving, but the thing is, bats are chewing my legs! Why did I lead you down here to find those stupid coins? Homer, you brought us to this horrible place on purpose? You didn't think it was so horrible when you were falling down the hole.
That was the most horrible part of all! Well, I guess I should explain.
Not long ago, it was my day to take care of the baby, so I was out in the forest, hiding.
The yellow gold of texas is what I want to save I will not pay no taxes if I hide it in a cave.
I deduced from his parody lyrics that he was hiding gold in the cave.
I figured he'd never miss two or three pieces money which we could use to pay for Bart's operation.
I need an operation? That's a story for another day.
I realized I could never find the gold without your help, so I made it this week's family outing.
I'll take that gold, if'n you please.
How can you take it? We haven't found it.
It's right there behind that rock.
No, to your left.
Texas left, which is your "down.
" I'll take that gold, if'n you please.
Not so fast, shady Bird Johnson! I'll take that gold.
Yeah, you'll take it.
And then you'll give it to me, if you know what's good for ya.
you guys have guns? Well, so do I.
Coolest entrance gets the gold.
Is it okay that I brought my son? This is my day with him.
Jeremy, there's a boy over there you can play with.
Do you like XBox? Looks like we got us a mexican standoff.
If you all don't drop your guns and behave, no one gets the gold.
And why do you really want it anyway? Moe, will the gold bring back Edna's love? It could.
Definitely.
Mr.
Burns, isn't it more important that you got a child to smile at you? Honestly, no, I'd rather have the gold.
Absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
I can see there's only one way to turn you into human beings again.
Lady, I oughta fill you full of gratitude! That gold was turning us into monsters.
Well, I know a place where we can atone for our misdeeds.
They're building a youth center in Shelbyville and totally need volunteers.
Let's go there now! Yes, let's.
I'llI'll catch up with you.
And that's why I didn't have time to study for my geography test.
Bart, do you expect me to believe that? That story is the biggest load of Krabappel? Making out with Moe? But I thought you didn't want to date a tavern owner.
At this point, all I want's a man with a healthy libido.
Well, this is where it gets awkward again.
Moe can't catch a break! One, two, three, four.
Can't catch a break.
One, two, three, four.
Can't catch a break.
One, two, three, four.
And there's some producers.
One, two, three, four.
Four producers.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Toki
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Bart Has Two Mommies
The Simpsons s17e14 Episode Script
Bart Has Two Mommies
Why does god always need money? It's a lot of little stuff.
God has to pay all the elves in his workshop.
Plus he's got all those planets to support.
Did you see that ring he gave saturn? Who knew saints had such fat heads? It's all a big scam.
This booth? No, religion in general.
Not bad.
Here's your candy apple, sir.
Excellent.
This fundraiser is close to achieving the lord's goal: Building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty episcopal church across the street.
Reverend, why do we really need this? To compensate for my own sense of smallness.
And now for our main event: The rubber duck race.
The first duck to cross the finish line wins this home computer.
That's the new femac, the computer designed just for women.
The "you've got mail" voice is Susan Sarandon.
You've got mail, unlike the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.
Get informed.
Don't worry, Marge.
Me and terrible two here are going to win that computer for you.
How can you be sure? 'Cause he wants it.
On your marks, get set wait.
Someone's not on their mark.
That's better.
Go! Now to begin operation slight edge.
I'm winning! He's headed for the old mill! No, cheatie, no! Too many paddles! Protect the duck.
D'oh! Protect the duck.
Uh! PRoduck the tect.
Hey! This race is for rubber ducks, not meat ducks.
whoo-hoo! I won.
And the winner is duh! A living duck? I wished too hard and he became real.
And the winner is Ned Flanders.
This is my favorite kind of surprise: Mild.
There, there.
The fact that you tried means everything.
Hey, that's the same thing you said to Bart after he choked in that soccer game.
And we both know he sucked.
And how.
But this is different.
Hey, Marge, I don't, I don't really want a computer.
You know, all those complete strangers googling each other makes my flesh crawl.
Just put it in the trunk and leave.
Ned, that's so generous.
But there must be something I could do in return.
Well, sir, we could do a little quid pro for the kaypro.
That left-handed convention is in town and as the owner of Springfield's largest southpaw shop, I just got to be there.
Could you nanny-goat my kid-diddly-ids? Let me see.
Just a sec.
Yeah, sure.
I'd be happy to baby-sit for Rod and Todd.
I'm so glad you're watching the boys, Marge.
Our last baby-sitter let them watch comedy central.
Now Rod makes me check the closet every night for Rita Rudner.
No Rudner.
Here's the numbers for the police, fire, ambulance, poison control, burn clinic and people nearby with Rod and Todd's blood type.
Carl.
So you're going to be chilling with me tonight.
You want to play a game? How about a sitting-still contest? Hands folded.
Okay, game over.
It's a tie.
That means we both come in second.
We're number two! We're number two! What do you think, Maggie? Wow, it's the big unit himself, Randy Johnson.
You fanned more men than Salome.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I'm here promoting my new line of left-hand teddy bears, Randy Johnson southpawz.
This one's a doctor.
You can give it to your doctor.
You have one for a mailman? A bear can't be a mailman.
Now how many Dr.
Bears do you want? They come in boxes of a thousand.
One box.
You and me got a problem.
Here's my mask.
I'm a Star Wars.
Now let's see who you've drawn.
I'm my brother Todd.
I'm my brother Rod.
Ah! This is too scary! Change back! I'll help you.
I'm a chimpmunk.
I eat nuts without saying grace.
I'm a permission slip.
And thank you god for letting Mrs.
Simpson come over.
It was the most fun we've had since mommy was here.
And could you ask mommy to come to daddy in a dream and tell him how to cut our sandwiches? And please tell Mrs.
Simpson it's rude to eavesdrop on our prayers.
But we forgive her.
Hiya, Marge.
Are Rod and Todd in the land of nod? We had a lot of fun.
They're terrific kids.
Hey, you're welcome to see the dynamic duo any time.
Well, then maybe I will come by more often.
And Homer can spend more time with our kids.
He's watching them now.
Ready? Ready.
And joust! That was awesome! Let's do it again.
A canoe made of country ham? You know I'll eat it.
What's wrong with your teeter-totter? Daddy says up and down see-saws are dangerous.
Chocks?! Why don't we try it freestyle.
El mundo es loco! I heard in study hall you were baby-sitting tonight.
Homer! We're not in high school.
So, Marge, in tomorrow's game, I'm gonna recover a fumble just for you.
Maybe you'll run it in for a touchdown.
Don't pressure me.
I get enough of that from my dad.
Well, maybe we can take your mind off things by studying for the sat: "Snuggles and tickles.
" Old man Flanders! Hey, Homer.
Sneaking kisses from the missus? Springfield high football rules! No one turn on the sprinklers, okay? Dad, mom's over at the Flanders', baby-sitting nimRod and nimTodd.
We want to do something.
Fine.
As soon as I finish watching my show.
I want to go to the showbiz animal retirement home.
They take in animals from the movies and tv that aren't cute anymore.
Old showbiz animals? Do you think any of the gremlins from the gremlins movie are there? Sure.
I am gonna get them so wet.
This is much sadder than I expected.
Sad? You're crazy.
I feel like I'm at the oscars for the animals I forgot existed.
Aflac! I'm not a real bear! That was just the name of my character.
Now let me out! Hey, you know where the bathroom is? Maybe I do and maybe I don't.
You didn't hear it from me, but it's next to the rhino cage.
Word on the street is: Cover the toilet seat with tissue.
Sweet sweet tissue.
This is toot-toot.
She played tum tum in teen tarzan's eco-adventures.
She looks like she's crying.
She probably misses her children.
They're all in show business.
One of them played the out-of-control judiciary in a republican party commercial.
Cheer up, toot-toot.
Have some of my ice cream.
My son's been ape-napped! No, no, it's still "kid-napped.
" The prefix applies to the victim.
Help! She's grooming me.
She's grooming me! Aren't you gonna do something? I'm afraid there's nothing we can do now.
A chimp that size could tear your son's head right off.
But she'll leave the rest of him alone? Would you like to meet flipper? May I remind you they're old when they come here.
Well, well.
Look at my dull-eyed angels.
What's this? It's the ripcord from a band-aid wrapper! Call me ned zeppelin, but is one of my boys abrased and contused? I cut myself on the knife, playing christian clue.
The secular humanist did it in the schoolhouse with misinformation! Well, I think it's about time you boys get to bed.
Yes, daddy.
An so we don't have another disaster.
You crawl up these steps! Ned, I know you like to worry, but these boys are never going to get self-confidence unless you let them try things for themselves.
I just can't.
They're all I've got since that sad day when maude found eternal happiness.
I though they might enjoy it if I took them here.
Everything's covered in foam, and it's owned by a corporation, so you know it's safe.
Well, their mascot is a kneepad wearing a helmet.
Why not? Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
You haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
I didn't say that.
I know what you think: When stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
I could never think something that horrible.
And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I could say that I already told you.
Sorry I asked.
Dad, you can't keep this up for long.
You're so right.
I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt.
And maybe I'm talking like this because I can't stop.
Help me, Lisa! I have serious mental problems! Look, it's been fun and all, but I miss indoor plumbing.
Sorry, lady.
I've never eaten fresh fruit and I reckon I never will.
This oreo is rank.
Bart ! Bart ! When the monkey falls asleep, I'll sneak you out in this trash bag.
Then i'll come back and feed the monkey a peach full of antifreeze.
I fell asleep before the monkey.
Lookin' good, Rod! Ned, are you checking up on me? I'm not Ned.
I'm a friendly dog.
I'm not a good liar.
I did come here to check on the where's Rod? He's up there, daddy.
Daddy! Look how high I am! What are you doing?! You're gonna get hurt! I am? He chipped a tooth! How will he bite wheat thins? How?! Comment ? I'm sorry, Ned.
I never thought this would happen.
I don't want you watching my boys ever again! She must be an unfit mother.
I am not an unfit mother! We interrupt this skateboarding footage for a breaking news story.
Local boy Bart simpson is being held hostage by an angry chimpanzee who has improved both his hygiene and posture.
His so-called real mother could not be found for comment.
Hey, monkey! Eat tranquilizer dart! Mr.
Simpson was later revived by a police stun gun.
Daddy, what are we gonna do today? Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: Look at bread.
No! The "n" word! We want Mrs.
Simpson back.
She let us run barefoot in the grass and play uno.
Uno?! That's a gateway game to pinochle.
All diddily aside, boys, what is it about her you miss so much? She made us feel happy.
And not church-happy.
For real happy.
maybe there's another way to solve this.
Bart is clearly fulfilling an emotional need for toot-toot.
Lisa, monkeys don't have feelings.
If they did, then my experiments could be called cruel.
Toot-toot, look! I'm using this rock as a tool.
She's kissing his boo-boo! That's it, I'm going in.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Toot, I need to talk to you mother to mother.
While you were living the glamorous life of a tv chimp, I was raising my son.
You have no right to take him away from me now.
Please, please, give me back my boy.
Marge, Toot-toot and her son escaped! The hamburglar was survived by his long-time companion, mayor Mccheese.
Now, our latest update on monkey boy Bart Simpson.
Toot-toot has taken Bart to the highest spot in town, the new steeple atop the first church of Springfield.
Now, Marge, I know things look bleak, but it should comfort you to know we have this plaque ready to go.
Hey, I know how we can save Bart.
M.
Teeny? He also happens to be toot-toot's son.
But Krusty said mr.
Teeny was born in funny town.
Nelson, funny town doesn't exist.
No! I was gonna live at cuckoo corners! Listen, we can trade Mr.
Teeny for Bart.
We just have to find a way to get him up there.
I'm already doing it! Roddy, get down! You're gonna fall! Ned, Rod needs to know you believe he can be okay on his own.
You'd be surprised what he could do if you just gave him a chance.
Rod! You can do it, boy! With god on your side, you can't fail! Toot-toot, I have something for you.
Reunited and it feel so good reunited 'cause we understood.
Yeah, great.
Now I need a new sidekick.
Get me a lemur, or a marmot.
Or Tom Greene, he's not doing anything these days.
And really stick it to him on the money.
Hurry, let's climb down.
Okay, but don't let our hands touch.
It's gay.
What's "gay" mean? It means you used to be afraid, but now you're not.
I'm gay, daddy! I'm gay! Mrs.
Simpson made me gay! I believe he's saying he's okay.
My little boy's growing up.
Hey, I'll say! I haven't seen climbing like that since Dudley Moore married Susan Anton! Bob, why did I wait a hundred years to get you up here? You're tellin' me.
Now I can look down Dolly Parton's dress whenever I want.
de Dolly Parton quand je le veux.
Guys, I'm trying to watch this.
Hey, I'm sorry.
What got into her? Her kid's fruitier than Carmen Miranda's hat rack.
Remember her? Mr.
Simpson was later revived by a police stun gun.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Toki
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Homer Simpson, This is Your Wife
The Simpsons s17e15 Episode Script
Homer Simpson, This is Your Wife
I am so stoked about Lenny's party.
He said he's gonna make a surprise announcement.
Maybe he's getting married.
Why the hell would he want to do that blessed sacrament that has made my life so rich? I like your hat, sweetie.
I'm not wearing a hat.
I mean, the one at the house.
Another party and we cain't go.
Yeah.
Just 'cause we's afraid of using the uppity box.
Hey, Ned.
Ain't no party like a Lenny party 'cause a Lenny party don't stop.
I got to work tomorrow.
I better go.
My god.
How did Lenny get to be newsfake magazine's man of the year? That's just a souvenir from an amusement park.
What? Next you'll be telling me he didn't meet Woody Woodpecker.
I dated the woman in that suit for three months.
Then she left me for the guy who cleans the vomit off the roller coasters.
Hey, Lenny, I see you cut the celery at an angle here.
Makes my straight-cut celery look like crap.
Attention, everybody! Please shut up! I know you're all wondering why you're here.
The fact is, I'm dying to tell you that I have adopted a new faith in the power of technological advances to make me happy.
That's right, I've got a new plasma screen HDTV! I've never seen a picture so highly defined! Lenny, this tv is amazing.
If you're not careful, I might just spend the rest of my life on your couch.
You don't mean that literally, of course.
You're right, Lenny.
I Lenny, bring me a beer and your deepest chamber pot.
Chop-chop.
Look at that picture quality.
You can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes.
Two and a half men.
You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.
Dad, please come home.
We miss you.
Is that a high-def tv?! Mom didn't say anything about high-def! Later, if I have enough energy, we can walk up to the tv and I'll show you how thin it is.
Wow, there's a rainbow outside.
Oh, yeah? Well, right there's a commercial with a dancing cold sore.
Break out! Ha-ha! Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! Break out! Ha-ha! Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! Ha! Hoo-hoo! He-he-ha! Ha-ha! And bodell jenks the third crashes into bodell jenks! The winner is Bodell Jenks, junior! wow, I can actually feel the heat.
Beat it.
This is my alone time.
Can you at least take a picture of me with the tv? I ain't fallin' for that again.
Yeah.
Good times.
Stupid non-plasma tv.
Picture so blurry.
Might as well rub dirt in my eyes.
Homie, I've been thinking.
We have been using this tv for a long time, so I entered a contest where the first prize is a plasma screen tv.
Marge! I love you! I love you! I love you! Now i really hope we win that contest.
There's a chance we won't win?! My collection is complete.
Y'ello.
Congratulations, Mr.
Simpson.
You've won.
The big screen tv? No.
No one wins that.
You won third prize, a tour of the FOX network in los angeles, california.
All expenses paid? Look, I gotta go.
Here's where we make the best damn sports show, period.
And there's where we make "the worst damn comedy show, period.
" why look.
There's Dan Castellaneta from the Tracey Ullman show.
Hey, funny man! Say something funny! Please don't lean out of the tram, sir.
You might get hurt.
Don't lean out of the tram Here's where we develop our many reality shows.
There's dwarf or midget: America decides, and million dollar fart-off.
Mother Flippers? What's this show about? This is a reality program, dear, where we take wives from two very different families and they trade places for a month.
I already saw that exact same show on another network.
Here, sweetie, have a FOX sweatshirt.
This is an abc sweatshirt.
Yeah, and it zips all the way up.
Spray 'em down! So, what's the prize on this wife swap show? About enough to buy a new plasma tv.
That's just the product I've been coveting! Pick us! Pick us! Not so fast.
Are you sure you want your most intimate moments broadcast across the country? Are you kidding? Take a look at my dvd.
They'll never let me near lake havasu again.
What are you doing, Homer? I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
Well, that might be interesting.
Or it could damage many, many lives.
Marge, you're the greatest mom ever.
I want the whole world to see that.
That's very sweet, but I Look, ma'am, I've done a lot of these.
Everybody has fun, no one gets hurt and you make a lot of money you could really use.
And if you say yes now, it'll make a great act break.
I'll do it! Perfect.
But could you say it again with more emphasis on the "I'll"? I'll do it.
No, no, go back to the first way.
I'll do it.
Wait, I wasn't happy with that.
You know what, just do it the way it feels comfortable to you.
I'll do it.
I'll do it! I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
How was that? We'll get it later.
Verity, who will be your new mom, is the youngest-ever full professor at yale.
I got my tenure at 28.
Oh, really? Bart, when did you get your tenure? I got my tenure right here.
Yeah, well I have full tenure.
We better pixelate those.
There aren't enough pixels in the world! Yeah, just cover it with Ryan seacrest's head.
This is Charles.
You can call me Charlie.
But do not call me late when there are scones about.
It's a little british humor.
I'll bet the twist is he's gay.
Your two families will exchange wives for a month, then a viewer vote will decide who they think is the least reprehensible.
I don't understand, dad.
Our family has so many flaws.
Why must we share them with the world? Because we'll be on tv, and earn enough money to buy a tv.
Tv.
But dad yes, tv-sa? Forget it.
Listen up, stonehenge.
I made a drawing of the places on Marge you can't touch.
Especially the hair.
Oh, you needn't worry.
I'm a bit of an elbow man, myself, actually.
A bit different, a bit weird.
Not sexual.
You take forever to say nothing.
You know, you don't seem like the money-hungry semi-stripper who's usually on FOX.
Why'd you do it? Well, I thought there was no further way I could humiliate my husband, and then this opportunity came along.
I see.
Well, I should be getting to the living room.
You know, I despise my husband.
Well, he didn't get the prize pig at the fair, either.
Charles hasn't satisfied me in years.
Yeah, that's how I feel about Notre Dame football.
Cruel, dusty years.
I don't know why I ever married that woman.
So, Charles, what do you do for a living? Well, I'm an office manager, and, no, I didn't even get a promotion today, again.
So, go on, go ahead.
Disembowel me with your pointy, pointy words.
Really? You manage a whole office? Yes.
Yes.
Yes I do, actually.
Well, that's very impressive.
Does that include the people and the furniture? Yeah, and I decide where the christmas party's held.
Actually, it's decided by committee, but, you know, I choose the committee.
Hello.
I don't, I don't choose the committee as such, but, you know, I choose where they meet.
This year I am thinking of conference room "C.
" That leaves "a" and "b" available for overflow.
Well done! Bart, I told you no television till you do the dishes.
And I do not call that doing the dishes.
well, my mom says why bother punishing me, I never learn.
Disgusting.
Young man, I'm going to turn that cartoon into homework! Help me, cameraman.
I let you smoke a cigarette in my bedroom.
That was a joint.
And I have a name.
It's Doug.
"Then itchy used an ice cream scoop "to scoop out scratchy's heart and make it a sundae.
The end.
" Now, Homer, would you care to give your report on CSI: Miami? "there's this guy that got killed.
"I think it was in Miami.
"So CSI: Miami investigated-ed it.
"Then a family said how much they loved the olive garden.
"Then I fell asleep.
When I woke up, Letterman was talking to Alias.
" That's wonderful.
Indeed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a mandarin chinese lesson.
Xie xie.
Zai jian.
He's a very impressive boy.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
A tree that's been alone for far too long.
I don't get it.
Are you saying you're the tree? Maybe.
Are my roots showing? Wordplay, brilliant.
Would you like to hear a joke? As long as it's not a knock-knock joke.
I always ruin them by saying, "come in.
" No, no.
This joke is actually quite funny.
You see, this man, he finds a magic lamp, and a genie comes out.
That's funny.
That's just the setup.
Well, you've set me up, for laughs down the road.
So the genie says, "I'll give you three wishes, "but whatever you get, your wife gets double.
" Okay? Remember that.
How nice for her.
Now, here's the humor.
The man says, "I want a new car.
The genie says, "your wife gets two.
" Okay, remember the double? The man says, "I want a new house.
" So the genie says, "your wife gets two.
" So the man says "beat me half to death.
" It's funny.
Don't you get it? 'Cause she gets double, so if he gets beaten half to death, the wife would be beaten to death.
That sounds horrible.
I agree, terrible.
Offensive towards women.
Little amusing, don't you think? No! Me, either.
Spousal abuse.
It's, uh, it's a real problem.
It's not funny.
It's tragic, if anything so well, I liked the genie part.
That was fun.
You think so? Yes, I could really picture him.
With curly shoes and smoke all over the place.
You're a born storyteller.
Well, yeah, I suppose I am, yeah.
Yeah, not a murderer.
No.
Would you like to hear another joke? I sure would.
Let me just get us some iced tea.
One more kind word from her and I am completely smitten.
Your toaster takes bagels.
How ritzy.
And there we have it.
what's that delicious smell? I'm burning all your underwear.
what's with the kimono? "Are we having Lachoy?" No Marge, I was just sitting around drinking Vermouth and contemplating how, just when you're drowning in a pit of despair, life can throw you a beautiful blue life preserver.
I thought life preservers only came in orange.
Because wouldn't it be hard to see blue in the ocean? Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa.
No logic.
Not tonight.
Where's Ben? The housekeeper took him out for a walk.
How long do we have to stay here? Till I'm sick of drinking these, and I'm never sick of drinkin' these.
That's right, it just gets worse.
So, you see, we have the whole house to ourselves.
Oh, who left this here? Did I tell you I'm a bit of a songwriter? Words and music, hold the applause.
I wrote this song for a woman.
You.
What an odd thing for a man who's not interested in me to do.
Yes.
Not interested.
Let me just breathe your scent for a moment before I play.
Lady when you came to me, I was feeling blue blue just like your hair, you see blue just like the moon but only when the moon is blue and not when it is cream and now that you are here with me I am in a dream oh, Yeah, Marge, your dreams can come true.
Lady, when you go away I feel like I could die not like dye like your hair is dyed but die like Lady Di and not Like Di like her name is Di but die like when she died.
But lady just like lady di be my princess tonight but don't die don't die.
No way.
That song was very nice.
How'd you think up so many rhyming words? Marge, I love you.
And I can tell from your basic level of courtesy that you love me, too.
What?! No.
Listen, Charles, I don't want to hurt your feelings because you love me, right? Admit it.
We were born to fall into each others' arms on reality tv.
I'm sorry, but I love Homer.
Of course you do.
He's a real man, not like me, a miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest bitch this side of the Westminster Kennel Club.
Charles, please, your son might see this.
He's not my son.
His real father is either the pool man or my wife's lover.
They're the main two candidates I've narrowed it down to.
Pretty sure.
There, there.
God, I miss Homer.
I miss him, too.
What is it about him that is so damned irresistible? Well he's loved me ever since the first moment he saw me, and he's never stopped.
And whatever it takes to make me happy, he'll do it even if it kills him.
Sorry, I ran out of tape just before that beautiful speech of hers.
But I got a great shot of him saying his son's a bastard.
Lisa, que fais tu dans cet Etat? La Fox m'a envoyÃ©e ici pour venir te chercher.
J'ai eu le droit de prendre FreedoLance Air Force Yum.
Et je suis contrainte de dire, Come to the cool ranch and rope in favour,Yeehaw! Let's go home,sweetie Im sure there are waiting for me Et je viens avec vous pour dire Ã  ma sorciÃ¨re de femme : 'tu es virÃ©e'.
J'imitais Donald Trump, dans 'Le milliardaire'.
Si vous saviez de qui je parle, vous seriez mortes de rire.
Je sais qui est Donald Trump.
Moi aussi.
Je ne pense pas.
Bande d'abrutis.
Je ne la vois nul part.
Il est temps pour Homer de redevenir Homer.
Homer, tu m'as tellement manquÃ©.
Remets ton pantalon.
Oh Marge, merci mon Dieu, tu es de retour.
Elle m'a fait passer du temps avec les enfants.
Et le temps pour la tÃ©lÃ©vision est devenu un temps de dialogue.
OÃ¹ est elle? OÃ¹ est cette suceuse d'Ã¢me? Magie? Dans son berceau.
Non, je parle de ma future ex femme.
Je Je ne suis pas sur que vous vouliez la voir,lÃ  maintenant.
Oh que si.
Elle va avoir le choc de sa vie.
Charles, je te quitte.
Tu roupilles, tu perds.
Tu me quittes pour lui.
C'est ce que l'on pourrait penser.
Mais le cousin Ed' est nÃ© femme.
Ce qui nous a rapprochÃ©, c'est notrehaine pour toi.
Et bien je vais voter 'NON' Ã  ce 38Ã¨me amandement, et vous ne pourrez pas adopter.
Je plaisante.
Je plaisante.
Je ne vote pas.
Le bureau de vote est en haut de la colline, et je n'y arrive jamais.
Tu me fais rire, tu me fais pleurer.
Sans toi je voudrais simplement mourir.
Pour le reste de ma vie, tu seras une rÃ©vÃ©lation.
Laisse moi donc admirer ton image.
Et Marge, tu assures aussi.
Yeah,whatever! transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Toki
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Million Dollar Abie
The Simpsons s17e16 Episode Script
Million Dollar Abie
Next on FOX, Carmen Electra stars in Boobs, about a class of remedial reading students and their teacher who wants to be taken seriously.
I thought it was about her boobs.
Tonight on jock center a slugger on 'roids, Tiger Woods is annoyed, and North Korean missiles deployed.
But first, the commissioner of pro football has announced plans to expand the league.
Owners will meet soon to award a new team to one lucky city.
Well, it's a cinch Springfield won't be that lucky city.
Yeah, the only thing we're known for is leading the country in heart attacks.
I've had enough of your stinkin' thinkin'.
I, Homer Simpson, will personally bring the new pro football franchise to Springfield.
God, we have fun.
Homie, snagging a pro football franchise is a big project, requiring a lot of follow-through.
And that's not your strong suit, big guy.
I'll show you all.
I'm going to spearhead the hell out of this expansion bid.
Homie, you've been down here for a week.
I really think you need what the Hellmann's real mayonnaise?! Marge, meet pro football's newest team; the Springfield Meltdowns! Plus, I designed a state-of-the-art stadium.
We'll fund it with corporate naming rights.
It's the duff beer krustyburger buzz cola costington's department store kwik-e-mart stupid flanders park.
So Homer do good? Homer do great! Maybe Homer brush teeth first? Gentlemen, I've narrowed our choice of expansion cities down to two: Springfield I own slums there! And Los Angeles, which has sent us this videotape.
I love L.
A.
Oh, hi.
I'm Rob Reiner, director of When Harry met Sally.
"I'll have what she's having" was one of the lines.
I'm here to tell you why you should choose L.
A.
Over Springfield.
L.
A.
Has the beach, a thriving music scene, and the beautiful getty museum.
Springfield has Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
Hollywood takes in talented actors and writers from all over the world.
Springfield takes in garbage from other cities.
But don't just take my word for it.
Some of hollywood's biggest stars have taken the time to sign waivers allowing celebrity impersonators to sing in this video.
Enjoy! L.
A.
Makes great movies and awesome tv shows Springfield don't make nothin' because Springfield blows Springfield blows Springfield blows Springfield blows Yes, Springfield blows I'm sick of L.
A.
! They got earthquakes, wildfires, bennifers, brangelinas, and that potty mouth, Sarah Silverman! To hell with all of 'em! I didn't kill my husband to get control of his franchise to give a team to Los Angeles! Then Springfield it is! Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go tell my gay grandson I still love him.
This is Kent Brockman live at duff beer krustyburger buzz cola costington's department store kwik-e-mart stupid flanders park.
In just one hour, the commissioner of football will arrive to sign the contracts necessary to make Springfield the home of pro football's newest team the Meltdowns! I've got melt mania! I got downs syndrome! In honor of the commissioner's visit, the city has been repainted in the team colors and all the streets whimsically renamed.
"Touchdown avenue"? Delightful.
Who ya talkin' to? Your imaginary girlfriend? Isn't your mother a well-known whore? You win this round, Mel.
It is my honor to introduce the commissioner of football, Mr.
Bud Armstrong! There, seems to be some delay.
Did I ever tell you people about the time I met Lloyd Bridges? Yeah, you passed him in the airport.
Yes, but which airport? Hartsfield in Atlanta.
This map says things like "Oak street" and "Evergreen terrace," But all I see are "two-point-conversion avenue" and "off-season knee surgery boulevard"? I'd better call and ask for directions.
I'll just blackberry my assistant.
My god! what a day.
who are you? What do you want? What year is it? Who are you? I have to borrow your phone.
And I also need to use your bathroom.
As you can tell, I've been crying.
Tonight on 48 minutes, we look at america's number one problem: Criminals who prey on the elderly people who watch this program.
I'd go to some geezer's house and ask to use their phone or their bathroom.
Well, I'm done with the bathroom.
Now I'm going to make that phone call.
Then I'd steal their wallets, jewelry and pictures of their grandkids.
I made a collage of these, and when you step back, it looks like my face.
If i knock him out, I'll be a hero.
And people will listen to my loose-brained nonsense.
By the shores of gitche gumee by the shining big sea water stood the wiggum of nokomis I'm sorry, did I just say "Wiggum"? I I meant "wigwam.
" Yeah, let me, et me start again.
It's so strange that the commissioner didn't show up.
Maybe he's thinking of a new shape for the football.
Not so tough when someone hits you from behind with golf club, are ya? Grampa, that's the commissioner of football! I thought he was trying to steal my jewels and all them pictures of Bert and Lucy.
I am never coming back to this city, and neither is the league! You mean that's right.
The Springfield Meltdowns football club shall never be! You're a useless old man.
Name one thing you do for this family.
I watch the baby.
Where is the baby? You left me with a baby?! Hey, Abe! Thanks for losing us our football team.
Thanks to you, we have a hundred-million-dollar stadium we can only use for farmers' markets! Nobody loves you when you're old and gray nobody needs you when you're upside down everybody's hollering about their own birthday everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground.
You're the only smile I got.
Abe, I know you've been real depressed lately on account of everyone hating ya, including me.
But I thought you might want to call this number.
A doctor? I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist! Abe, Abe, Abe! This doctor helps old people to kill themselves.
Euthanasia? No way! I want to die with dignity.
Like slipping in the shower and then they find me two weeks later, swollen up so bad, they don't know if I'm man or sofa.
Just go for a visit.
There's a Howard Johnson's next door.
You'll get some pie.
Mr.
Simpson, you are a good candidate for assisted suicide.
Aw, I think you're cute, too.
But killing yourself isn't as easy as putting on an ugly sweater like you did today.
I want you to carefully think about this for 24 hours.
Oh, I see.
You want me to reconsider whether or not I really should give up my life.
Yeah, and we're cleaning out the death machine today.
A lot of gunk gets stuck in it.
Okay, if I get a single phone call in the next 24 hours, I'll keep on living.
If you go, can I have your blanket and your liver? Blanket? Sure.
Liver? Never! Homie, you should give your dad a call.
You can't stay mad at him forever.
Yeah, you're right.
Y'ello.
You want my opinion on current movies? Well, first of all, they're all perfect.
Also, when's the Cap'n crunch movie coming out? And will it be "r" or "hard r"? That's it.
It's time for me to die.
I'll just get mad about one thing in the newspaper, then go.
President visits Europe?! On my dime?! I am so honored that you've chosen me to murder you.
You'll be following in the footsteps of Socrates, Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S.
Thompson and Fred Kanickee.
Who's Fred Kanickee? My appointment before you.
Nice guy.
Just a little Little screwed up.
Now, it is time to hook you up to the diepod.
As you surrender your body, what music and visual imagery would you like to experience? I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.
One minute to go.
Hands off the stiff, manfred manslaughter! The voters just overturned the assisted suicide law.
I'll kill you all! When the law's reversed.
Ha, I'd like to see you try! When the law's reversed.
I think you know my brother-in-law, Fred Kanickee.
Hoo, boy.
I'm dead! I never felt so alive! And I got my 16-year-old body back! Look out! Hey, idiot! Now let's see.
Am I in heaven or hell? That's odd.
You'd think they'd come back as the cows.
Charlie Chaplin? They sure put you to work.
You said it.
And you can talk! Good for you.
What the you're all dead, too?! So who went berserk, fatso or the little guy? We're not dead, and neither are you.
I'm not?! I guess if you want to commit suicide around here you got to do it yourself.
Suicide?! Grampa, killing yourself is a sin.
God wants us to die of old age after years of pain and reduced mobility.
I ain't going to kill myself, 'cause I just learned something.
The brief time I thought I was dead was the happiest I've ever been because I was finally living without fear and dagnabit, that's the way I'm going to live the rest of my life.
I am, I am, I am superman and I know what's happening I am, I am, I am superman and I can do anything.
You're all going to die in a pointless war.
We're here tonight to discuss possible uses for this football stadium, including the solid gold statue of Mike Ditka with diamond eyes.
I suggest we use the stadium for the ancient art of the toreador bullfighting.
No, wait, wait! Bullfighting is a cruel pseudo-sport.
Lisa's right.
It is a cool, super sport.
Everyone in favor of bringing bullfighting to Springfield say "ole!" Ole! So ordered.
All we need now is, uh, er, uh, er, uh, uh, er, uh, er, uh, a, uh matador.
If it's all the same to you, I'll take on those bulls.
Grampa, no! Grampa, si! If the bull dies, the crowd goes wild.
If grampa dies, the crowd goes wild.
Either way, we make a fortune on souvenirs and snacks.
Can we bring outside food? Not even gum.
Is the practice bull ready? Hell, yeah.
Ole! A penny.
This is my lucky day.
Yep, my lucky day.
How many bulls must my grandfather kill She's so cute.
We'll bring you the bull's heart, sweetie.
Had my doubts, but grampa sure looks manly in those leggings.
And I don't know who's more handsome, the bull taunter or the bull stabber.
And the corrida del toro has begun.
The bull charges at grampa Simpson.
And he avoids the toro with a masterful Veronica.
This old man has no fear.
Like the fear I feel that I have left the iron on at home.
Have I? Have I?! And another Veronica.
And another.
That last Veronica means everyone here today has won a free side of rice and beans at the Springfield taco pronto.
Tired of waiting two hours for a taco? Go to taco pronto! Grampa, I think you should give up the bullfighting.
Forget it.
I'd look pretty stupid in this outfit walking around fighting oysters.
But you just got a new lease on life.
Why would you want to use it to hurt poor, helpless animals? Listen, I'm 83 years old, and for the first time in my life people are cheering for me.
I was always cheering for you, grampa till now.
How does she always know how to get to me? Grampa Simpson's movements are tentative, as if he is distracted.
Distracted as if by a moral dilemma.
A moral dilemma posed by a young boy no, a girl.
A girl named Linda.
No, Lisa.
The flutter of the cape tells all.
Hurry up and kill it! I have to be at the opera by 7:00! Yeah, come on! Kill him! I don't get what he's doing, and I'm smart.
Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.
He has released the bulls from the stadium! Thank god I am up high.
Please, no.
I have a wife and three girlfriends.
Grampa must have set them free.
Ol' Gil's back on track.
He's got a new job and a new red suit.
If you let me go, I give you free large pizza pie with purchase of same.
Offer not good tuesday through sunday.
We're closed on monday.
Ah, ah, Santa Maria! Thanks for setting me straight, sweetie.
Denada, grampa.
It sure is peaceful up here.
I would like to name the following friends of mine as members of the communist party.
You're just here to test the microphone.
Fred Wilson, my brother Bill, Dom Dimaggio, the paper boy, Howdy Doody, Josef Stalin transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Toki
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore
The Simpsons s17e17 Episode Script
Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore
I love it when Mr.
Burns shows a movie at work.
I'm not sittin' up front with you guys.
It's bad for your eyes.
Suckers.
Before we begin the movie, please join me in a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! The american worker: Proud, tough, hardworking.
And tired! These jobs are killing us.
Outsourcing, take them away! It's a miracle! They moved our factory to a third-world nation.
Now I have more time to play the lottery.
Ka-ching! Hey, america, why not let some of the other countries carry their share of the load? You can, with the best kind of sourcing: Outsourcing.
what a great film.
And I think it makes a terrific point: Effective immediately, I'm closing the plant and moving all operations to India.
Does this mean we're losing our jobs? No, no.
Your jobs are safe.
They'll just be done by someone else in another country.
No! I just bought a $3 million house! However, federal law requires I keep one union worker on the payroll.
So, congratulations, whoever catches this bouquet! Woo-hoo! I win! In your face, best friends! You've been transferred to India!? Hey, Marge, it's what I gotta do to keep this family living in luxury.
Luxury? This thermostat is just painted on.
My god! You're right.
I'd better call the guy.
Send someone right over.
Here he is.
Dad, that's Mac tonight.
Yeah? Well, while I'm gone, you'll do what he says.
What's a Macgyver, and why does it have a convention? Macgyver was a show about a secret agent who used inventions made of everyday objects to defeat bad guys.
And he was played by the three greatest names in the history of television: Richard Dean Anderson.
Did someone mention my names? Richard Dean Anderson! You finally came to our convention! No.
I'm looking for the convention for my new show, Stargate: SG1.
That.
It's over there.
Star-gate, S.
G.
-One! Star-gate, S.
G.
-One! You're into Macgyver? That show was so stupid.
"Oh, I'm Macgyver.
I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster.
" That show was just a paycheck to me, and nothing more.
How could he say that? Macgyver is my world.
Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans! Star-gate! Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "star" franchises: -Wars, -trek, -gate, and -search, "-gate" is easily my third favorite.
I get that a lot.
Question S.
G.
-One: How would your character, major general Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill, react to appearing at the Springfield stargate fanfest? I feel like I've just gone through the stargate to one heck of a convention! He's aware of us! What in the name of Steve Ditko?! Hey, let go! Hey, watch the face! I need that for acting! He's gone! There must be a Stargate in this stadium! Everybody, look for it! Wait, wait.
I have some even more exciting news! There is a girl in the audience! Everybody look for her! This is a kilt, and I'm not a girl! You're as close as we'll ever get! Get him! Surprise! This is kidnapping! People are gonna know I'm missing.
There's a liquor store I go to every morning.
This isn't a kidnapping.
No.
Think of it as a two-on-one Macgyver convention.
That will never, never end.
First, you're gonna sign a couple of autographs.
You can write "help me" all you want.
No one will ever see it.
Dad, we'll miss you so much.
I'll miss you kids, too.
Attention.
India air flight 57 now boarding first class, small children and fat guys.
That's me! Homie, I got you something to read on the plane.
A book? "Secrets I learned at breakfast"? The cereal's just a metaphor.
It's a book about management, and Lee Iacocca says it's "definitely dot dot dot useful.
" Thanks, sweetie.
I've never been less angry to receive a book.
this isn't India! Where's the university of Notre Dame, the indy 500, Wrigley Field, Dodger Dogs? You ignorant american, you have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.
No! I took a job on the other side of the world! I hate this subcontinent! Hello.
Lisa, it's me! I'm in trouble! Calm down, dad.
What happened? A cow took my iPod and I punched it! Do I have to? Okay, okay, I'll showthe cow I adore it.
Baby, did you lose weight? Come on, baby,don't play hard to milk.
Okay, Apu said his cousin kavicould help me out.
Let's see Apu's cousin is medium height, dark complexion, brown eyes, black hair.
Are you Kavi? No.
Are you Kavi? Yes.
You must bemr.
Homer.
Finally! He's escaped.
We'll be bustedfor kidnapping.
I can't face jail.
I can.
Richard Dean Anderson.
Why did you come back? To tell youhow I escaped.
I had to get out before another one of your bristly kisses.
Then I remembered the blue contacts I wear to hide my latino heritage.
Now all I needed was a sling strong enough to support my 200-pound frame.
A-bra-cada-bra.
Macgyver lives.
And not just at 2:00 A.
M.
On the USA network.
My real life escapefrom your love dungeon was the most excitingthing I've ever done.
It was? Tie me up soI can do it again.
But this timedon't make it so easy.
No.
Delighted.
Too much? Not for Macgyver.
why did you want to makean entrance like that, sir? I am a showman.
Welcome, new employees, of the Bangalore nuclear power plant.
The energy generated here is transmitted through undersea cables right back to america.
You know, moe,that sign is powered by non-american workers.
So what? Your beer's germanand the TV's japanese.
Well, is there anythingin this bar that's made in America? Just this.
God! Misfire! Now I'd like to introduce you to your new manager.
You'll find his integrityand dedication make him untouchable.
Sorry I'm late.
I was doing carnac with my bodyguard.
Hindu.
What do you callthe moisture on your hin? classic.
Now, tell them howto run a nuclear plant.
Did I say "um"? Man, what do I do? Wait, the book Marge gave me.
Okay, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me, but we're bothin this together.
So say something smart or get ready to run like hell.
"In business as in breakfast, fried eggs have fragile yolks.
" He's got them eating out of his hand.
And to think you doubted him, Smithers.
Sir, can we talk about this arranged marriage of mine? Yello.
Dad, I got to write a report on the Great Lakes.
Just outsource it to Lisa.
Outsourcing is the answer to everything.
Also, I can't sleep at night 'cause there's this new bully who follows me home, and I think he's in the house.
Outsourcing.
I'm very glad to see you favor outsourcing.
I myself have found work with several american companies.
Ibm help line, this is Brian.
Have you tried disabling your firewall? Dallas fort-worth marriott.
How can I help y'all? Well, we have a cotton bowl special.
Go aggies! This is queen mama jumbo.
The stars tell me you have a question.
No, jenny, don't be dating that boy.
The bones don't lie.
He's bad mojo, girl.
Next.
Okay, here's the plan.
You lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide.
All I need are these everyday objects: A nail file, a farmer's almanac, a gun with no bullets, some bullets and three of my Macgyver writers.
Sounds great.
Can we do it during lunch? Now! Simpson, I don't know how you're doing it, but you're out putting ten times the power our american plant ever did.
Well, a little bookonce told me Having only one pancake leaves room for more bacon.
I see what you're saying.
We're crowding your plate.
In fact, there's no need for us to be here at all.
Let's go, Smithers.
You're giving meabsolute power? Sir, doesn't that corrupt? Absolutely not.
When it comes to runninga nuclear power plant this man's a god.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late fora dinner engagement.
I don't want myscooped out monkey head to get cold.
I'm not a god.
God has a white beardand invented the Da Vinci Code.
Actually, in our system of belief, there are many gods.
Let's see got the elephant man.
.
Johnny Six-Arms, papa Smurf.
These guysare pretty cool.
Maybe I am one of them.
If only I had some kind of proof.
I won a free soda! I am a god! Sir, I really don't think we should have left Simpson in charge.
No office talk.
I'm floating down the ganges with my new chums.
Those are corpses.
You never like my friends.
what's going on ? We flew all the way out here 'cause Homer sent us this crazy card.
Behind one of these doors is Homer simpson.
Behind the other, a Bengal tiger.
Choose wisely.
Both doors have tigers! One of those tigers is named Homer simpson.
Welcome home! Guess who made Macgyver burgers? Macgyver We didn't have any ground beef Yeah, but you did have slim jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
We got to get rid of this cook.
I got an idea.
Which episode are we watching tonight? "L is for Lake Tahoe: Part II"? "Bless me, Macgyver,for I have sinned"? We thought maybe you would like to see some of our globetrotting adventures.
This is Selma in line at the luray caverns.
It turned out it was the line for the ladies' room.
This is the ladies' room.
This is us at the Alberta, Canada carriage museum.
That's a phaeton.
Landau.
Buckboard.
Postchaise.
Surrey.
Surrey.
Surrey.
Selma.
Surrey.
You're in a tight spot, Macgyver.
This calls for your most ingenious escape ever.
This olive garden coupon! It expires at midnight.
You're not holding a coupon.
Macgyver away! Well, he's gone.
Yeah.
And we'll always have what he wrote on our window shade.
What did he write that in? Grape juice and tears.
+ This is the end + my only friend, the end So, Mr.
Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane and thinks he's a god and broken off all contact with the outside world? I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
You know, Smithers,"I told you so" has a brother.
His name is "shut the hell up"! A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai Mom, I'm scared.
A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai Should we take all our stuff, or are we coming back on this boat, too? Same boat, but take it anyway.
They use the boat for a Dixie land booze cruise while we're gone.
Silence! Now for my amusement, let the monkey fight the elephant.
Homie, stop! You're not a god! Marge? You're just a sweet guy from Springfield who wanted his family to have a better life Wha, wha, I I am a god! I know all.
Yeah, what's mom's birthday? It's jan feb mar it's may! May! Fir secon thir you don't have to worship him.
He's not a god.
We follow him because of the secrets he tells us.
What secrets? He told us of overtime pay.
And coffee breaks.
And flex time.
Casual fridays.
On-site daycare.
Low dental co-pays.
Muffin basketson your birthday.
With mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
This man told you about these things? Yes.
In fact, he gave them to us in a binding contract.
A-bom-shabai means "vote union.
A-bom-shabai.
A-bom-shabai.
Up until now,I was with you.
Even the beast-on-beast combat, that had potential.
But treating employees like human beings, that is madness! You appear ill, Sahib.
Maybe you should take a personal day.
Take one of mine.
They are transferable.
I'm proud of you, dad.
You're the first man to ever outsource the american worker's sense of entitlement and privilege.
Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore.
I want to go home.
How's chief Wiggum? He was gravely wounded in a bank shootout.
Yeah, he's funny.
where the workers are more desperate and ignorant; Springfield.
You're fired! You're all fired! Fired! Fired! Fired! Two months severance! Early retirement! Golden parachutes for all! Go ahead and join them, Smithers.
I know you want to.
Yes, sir! transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Job22
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  The Wettest Stories Ever Told
The Simpsons s17e18 Episode Script
The Wettest Stories Ever Told
When is our food going to get here? I'm starved! I'm so bored, I figured out where there wallpaper pattern repeats.
See, it goes ship's wheel, popeye tattoo, gilligan hat, fish with boobs and back to ship's wheel.
What about this swordfish? My life's work ruined! Yar, sorry about the delay.
The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.
Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant.
Red lobster? Not that good.
Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.
Too bad I don't know any.
I know one about the most important sea voyage in american history: The journey of the mayflower.
Yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Not prostitutes, protestants.
Now who's being naive? The year was 1620.
Hurry, my little puritans.
We must flee England and its insufficiently puritanical ways.
Do you have your shipboard entertainments? I've got my toy wood lump.
what jolly fun.
Finally, we shall bid good-bye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.
Out of my way, you god-fearing buckleheads! Hide me! Please, you got to help me.
If they find me, they'll kill me.
Has anyone seen this knave? He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the jacobean era when the king's name is James and not Jacob.
Oh, lord, I beseech you Mother, we must protect him.
Look, he's praying.
Oh, lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
Noble sir, you may accompany us to America in my late husband's clothing.
And I will make thee a hat from construction paper.
So thou art a widow? Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.
Good sir, I do not approve of your fleshly gaze.
Baby.
Good-bye! Don't come back! What kind of a booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch? We puritans have no place for drunkenness or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry.
So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet.
Oh, no! That was a poem! Forgive me, lord! Then pour a little salt in the wounds.
And I'm good.
I see you met our devout leader Ned Flandish.
Stupid Flandish.
Listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how about a little bible-thumping in the crow's nest? What do you say, miss? Constance Prudence Chastity Goodfaith.
My friends call me Marge.
Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't.
Back off, newbie! We're engaged.
I didn't kill her husband just so I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.
We're not engaged.
It's really more of an amiable concordance.
Such language from a woman.
Oh, no! I just thought of you as a woman! Lord, we thank you for the many ways you show your love: The sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.
Now I got to warn you.
Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.
She's going to marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.
Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.
Why, thee little! Don't stop.
You're choking him just the way his father used to.
Good times.
Perhaps thou wouldst make a good father.
May I escort you to the railing? My god.
Look at that hand-on-hand action.
If I don't do something, soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.
Yes, the weather is fair.
Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious! That's how we talk.
Weird? Time to think of a plan most sneaky.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far.
Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the gayflower? Stop calling it that! Whatever.
I was saving this booze to mess up the indians, but seeing what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste.
Say, I know a good drinking game.
Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship.
You're good at this.
Lord, thank you for this generous rain and abundant lightning.
Obviously, kissing your ass is getting me nowhere.
This storm's blowing us off course.
And where's our crew? I'll show you where they are.
You don't want to miss this, Marge.
Sin, sin, sin! Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horsehousing? And here's the knave what's responsible.
That's all I needed to hear.
Homer, I can't believe I was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.
But, baby, a man has needs.
Our captain's be-head-bumped.
I guess we'll never make it to the new world.
When we landed I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.
I keep telling you the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.
Witch, witch, witch! People, this is madness! We can burn the witch later.
Right now I've got to save this ship.
I've been driving drunk since I was 12.
But first, who's going to help me pee? They're looking at me 'cause I have the key to the stocks.
Don't worry, Marge.
I'll see to it you fundamentalist christians live to take over all America by the 21st century.
Look! An albatross.
It can lead us to safety.
Man, that bird did it all.
Good guy.
I just thought of a name for where we're going.
New England.
That's real creative.
What do you call your foot, "new hand"? At least I'm pitching.
Land ho! What did you call me? Great chief Wig-Gum, we could never have survived our first year in the new world without you.
I, almost regret what we europeans are going to do to you.
What, what are you going to do? Give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie.
Also we're going to take your land and wipe you out.
Who wants whipped topping? Here's your bill.
And will there be anything else? We haven't gotten our food yet.
I'll look into it.
What the?! Who else has a story? I do.
Homer, you can tell the third story.
Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.
I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.
Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the bounty.
Like the paper towels.
Go on.
Captain Bligh, there's a message from admiral Nelson.
Thank you, Mr.
Christian.
"Bligh eats dolphin boogers.
" When you eat as much dolphin as I do there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.
Good morning, crew.
Welcome to day 718 of our voyage.
Today's announcements: First of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water.
And because of a drawing of myself having romantic congress with a merman I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea.
And I can assure you there were cookies in there.
Good cookies.
The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.
My father's alive? No, he died while baking.
It's all in the letter.
I'm getting pretty tired of that seawad.
This is nothing like the recruiting brochure.
Maybe that's what happens on the last day.
I warn you, captain: Push this crew too far and there'll be mutiny.
Mutiny? On the bounty? What have you been smoking? Opium.
Besides that? Welcome to our tropical paradise.
Enjoy our luaus, our lagoons, and our ladies.
And remember: What happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti.
Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world.
Tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steamboat yet? Any day now.
When you're on a holiday you can't find the words to say I'm telling you, I don't look like that.
Make another.
Yes, lord ugly-face.
And I want to feel it too on an island in the sun don't just sit there, help me! We'll be playing Thanks for staying with us.
We appreciate you putting cloth over our women's' boobies.
You'll receive an updated bill after you leave.
Bye-bye.
I wish we were back on Tahiti.
Why, yes, it was truly an unforgettable vacation.
I order you to forget it.
And while you're working, I want to hear a sea chantey in a round.
row, row, row your boat gently down the stream Rounder! I hear edges! Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.
you're off-key.
Make that song your own.
You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life.
what the? Captain, this is a mutiny.
Let's not be hasty there.
What if I introduce a suggestion box? We have a suggestion box.
You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.
Yeah, but I I I warned you there'd be mutiny.
Just start rowing, Willie.
And sing a round while you do.
Row, row, row your boat gently row, row, merrily, merrily, bound the down gently down the merrily down the I cannot do it! I'm only one man.
You'll sing or you'll mutiny.
And you're too much of a spineless coward for that.
Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup.
What are you going to do, go underwater? I'd like to see that.
You call this deep? This is your new captain saying, "next stop: Tahiti.
" And we're going to remove all evidence of the previous regime, starting with this stupid wheel.
well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are, the most beautiful women in the world.
Those are penguins.
Well, look at it this way: We're going to discover the North Pole.
South Pole.
Oh, boy, do I suck? Yeah.
I'm starting to think the sea captain isn't coming back.
He's out there playing basketball.
In your face, Julio.
I'll be fetching your food right away.
Six more games.
Well, I guess we have time for my tale of moist adventure.
It takes place in a dark time for mankind when madness and ignorance ruled: The 1970s.
Rock the boat don't rock the boat, baby rock the boat don't tip the boat over rock the boat don't rock the boat, baby.
Disco stu has some troubling news.
the ship's doctor has reported an outbreak of Disco fever! The only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love get down tonight.
Wait a minute.
What was the second one? And now let's welcome the Leroy Neiman of Seamen, your captain, Montgomery Burns.
Ten-four, good buddy.
I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.
Willy Stargell! Yes, welcome to the maiden voyage of the neptune, the world's most unflippable luxury liner.
Help yourselves to some pineapple upside-down cake and apple turnovers.
And you'll all be getting free hats, so make sure to give us your cap size! What a fascinating cross-section of humanity.
You've got the lonely, but lovable loser hello, angels.
Your mission today involves going undercover at a wet t-shirt contest.
Just get you wet maybe not so lovable.
And you've got the elderly jewish couple making their first trip to Israel.
Our son shlomo is working on a kibbutz in haifa.
We're schlepping him some kreplach.
We're jewish, all right! What's our back story? What's our back story? We're the band.
And we're on! I think we're heading for disaster and most of you will not be saved unless the captain is attentive we'll all be crushed by a huge wave I love the sea, Smithers.
No earthquakes, towering infernos, china syndromes, apple dumpling gangs My wig! I mean, my natural hair! Mama mia! What a time to be carrying the soup.
Cool! No gravity! There it is.
Hey, you schmuck, get off-a me! Goin' out with a sight gag.
Nice.
I got an idea: Climb into my mouth.
No! Catch me, Flanders! Lord, with you watching over me, I shall feel no pain.
It's almost new year's! Ten nine eight Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead! Three two one Happy new year! My resolution is to be more fun.
Attention, everyone! I've spent the entire cruise reading these maintenance brochures because as a lonely single woman, I've had nothing better to do.
"Aw"s are cheap.
I'm lookin' for some action.
I thought so.
It says here we should head upwards towards the hull before the ocean starts filling the ship.
Don't listen to her! She'll get us all killed! The safest thing to do is to resume our normal activities.
Now where is the rumba instructor? Okay, so that's left, left, right.
Come on, people! So, now which way do we go in this farkaktah-flippity ship? Homer, what should we do? Give me a second.
I'm in the bathroom.
What? I have great ass suction.
Now, how about a little privacy? My keys! Whatever you do, don't look down.
I mean up! I can't do this anymore.
It's too confusing! Not that confusing.
This hatchway is jammed! Move aside! I'll use my swiss army bone.
Okay, the engine room is just through this flooded area.
Somebody has to take the rope, swing through to the other side and tie it off so we can use it as an underwater guideline.
Step aside! I shall perform the necessary heroics.
Thank you.
You? Yes.
All I need is some inspirational music when she passed away, I cried and cried all day I'm alone again naturally all right, I can see this is all up to me.
Swim, fatty! Swim! You did it.
I've tied it off.
You're all going to make it.
Tell the world that I saved you all.
Don't tell me what to do.
I hear knocking.
We're saved! I don't know which pains me more: The flame or the irony! Can you believe it's the irony? My god, our boat is upside-down.
You guys know the way to Tahiti? Way to go, genius.
You sailed into someone else's tale of the sea.
At last I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney.
Our ribs got tangled 75 years ago That's not gay.
Right.
You keep believing that.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Toki & Job22
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Girls Just Want to Have Sums
The Simpsons s17e19 Episode Script
Girls Just Want to Have Sums
Dad, taking the family to opening night is the nicest thing you've ever done for us.
Or will ever do.
I can't wait to see this re-imagining of Itchy and Scratchy by avant-garde director Juliana Krellner.
Hey, it says here the book was written by Tom Stoppard.
This isn't a book, it's a play.
Book.
All hail the king of the cats.
They're coming down the aisles.
What if they want to interact with me? Looking through my purse, looking through my purse keep walking, monkey.
Don't worry, mom, they all passed by.
Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy from the day you are born in the alley Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy to the day you are hit by a car Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy there's cream to drink and mice to eat and great big balls of yarn Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy it's the circle Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy the circle of knife! I love the use of streamers as blood.
It robs the violence of its power.
I'm drenched in blood! I don't know why I trust him I guess some cats just never learn I feel so good when I have crushed him or left him mangled, maimed and burned I suppose it's symbiotic and perhaps a bit erotic 'cause painis my narcotic You really liked it? Yes, I loved it.
And that's why we're always fighting and biting and dynamite igniting Hey, check it out! I'm scratcher or something! It's the circle the circle of knife yes, the circle the circle of knifes.
Bravo! Genius! Necessary! I insist on seeing the director.
Thank you, thank you.
It's such a thrill for me to be backin my hometown, Springfield.
She also graduated from Springfield elementary.
Principal skinner! You know, Juliana, it's no surprise you became such a success.
You always got straight A's in school.
Well, I remember gettinga "b" or two in math.
Well, of course you did.
You are a girl.
No.
All All I meant was, from what I've seen, boys are better at math, science, the real subjects.
There, that should put the matter behind us.
Calm down, calm down.
I'm sure principal Skinner didn't mean girls are inherently inferior.
No, 'course not.
I don't know why girls are worse.
One thing we can all agree on, though, this little lady surelooks pretty tonight.
Am I right? Two, four, six, eight! Stop the man from teaching hate! Eight, six, four, two! We do math as good as you! One, two Skinner! You've got to deal with these kooks.
Don't worry, I have a plan: Pretend I agree with them.
Well, you'd better hurry.
Look what they've done to your car.
No, that's how it always looks.
How sad.
Today, we celebrate the first of many, many, many, many diversity forums.
Why is it that women "appear" to be worse at math than men? What is the source of this "illusion," or as I call it, the biggest lie ever told? You're a worse version of Hitler! Please believe me, I I understand the problems of women.
See?! The principal's a tranny.
Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice.
When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes.
They're all the same.
Are you saying that men and women are identical? Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
Now he's saying women and men aren't equal.
No, no, no.
It's the differences, of which there are none, that make the sameness exceptional.
Just tell me what to say.
Dear.
Attention, students.
Due to nervous exhaustion and diarrhea of the mouth Yes, yes, yes, I said "diarrhea.
" Principal Skinneris going to be replaced by women's educational expert Melanie upfoot.
Children, meet your new principal.
For too long, there's been an anti-woman bias in math.
Boys are aggressive, obnoxious, and never let us be heard.
From now on, I am splittingthe school in two, separating the boys and the girls forever.
You heard your principal.
Girls on the left, boys on the right.
This rocks! No more stupid girl classes, like ballroom dancing.
No, that's still mandatory for everybody.
Willie? Now, this is why I got into education.
They're going to divide the school in two? Yeah, one for boys and one for girls.
It is going to be awesome! Now I can walk down the hall with "Bart junior" hanging out.
Isn't that right, Bart junior? All this hoo-haw about girls and math is silly.
Women are as smart as men.
Why, a woman invented liquid paper.
Well, do you know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Well, a woman also invented the windshield wiper.
Which goes great with another male invention: the car.
I think a woman came up with nylon stockings.
I mean, probably.
We certainly use them.
Let's see, men also have rocket ships, suspension bridges, constitutional government, snow shoes, brass knuckles pinball machines, the renaissance Why did women invent sleeping on the couch? Girls' entrance.
Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow.
All right, I'm going to open this cage, but no biting! You're not the boss of my teeth! It's so beautiful! Paintingsby female artists! Frida Kahlo, Georgia O'Keefe Cathy Guisewite! Now that the boys and their atmosphere of intimidation are gone, we can finally breathe.
Breathe, ladies.
Now, let's buckle down and do some math.
Yes! How do numbers make you feel? What does a plus sign smell like? Is the number seven oddor just different? Are we going to do any actual math problems? "Problems"? That's how men see math, something to be attacked, to be "figured out.
" But isn't it? I mean, confidence building can't replace real learning.
Sounds like you're trying to derail our "self-esteem engine.
" Let's sing it back on the tracks! The best thing I can ever be is to be okay with me.
Me! Okay, boys' school, I need a challenge.
A mental challenge.
Now, boys, who can tell me the volume of this snowman? Anyone? Just add the volume of the spheres.
We know the radii.
He forgot the volume of the carrot nose, one-third base times height.
Math, I have missed you! No girls allowed! Principal skinner? It's groundskeeper Skinner now.
Assistant groundskeeper, you puke! Assistant groundskeeper Skinner, don't you think it's wrong that I can't get the best math education because I'm a girl? I don't have any opinions anymore.
All I know is that no one is better than anyone else, And everyone is the best at everything.
Not you.
You're the worst! Now get poisonin' those squirrels.
Please, be reasonable.
I-I-I-I'm sure we can Mom, the girls' school is a joke, and I'm not allowed to take the boys' math.
When I was in school, I loved math, until Hey, professor Von hubba-hubba! Want to hop in my dune bug and erode some beach? I'd love to, but I've got my calculus final tomorrow.
Come on, baby.
The only math you need is you plus me equals forever.
Oh, Homey! Since then, I haven't been able to do any of the calculus I've encountered in my daily life, but that's not going to happen to you.
Well, what can I do? They won't let me in the boys' school.
Yes unless there.
You're the perfect little he-she.
Mom, I don't think this will fool anybody.
Hey, who's the rude dude with the attitude? He's one of Bart's friends.
You seem cool.
Want to catcha movie? You never take our kids to the movies.
Let's not fight in front of my cool new friend.
What are you playing? Punch for a punch.
So, what's your name, newbie? I'm Jake.
That's your christian name.
What's your surname? Yman.
Jake Boyman.
You have Toilet paperon your shoe.
yeah, I guess I do.
I'm going to call you "Toilet.
" My name isn't Toilet.
It's Jake.
Hey, a talking toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Class, settle down.
We have a new student today.
His name is Jake Boyman.
He likes the hardy boys, boy scouts, boy bands, chef Boyardee, and he is a boy.
What are you drawing? A robot with guns for arms shooting a plane made out of guns that fires guns.
Everyone take out your math books, come on.
Now, how many different numbers can "Y" be? That's easy, just one, the number five.
Wrong.
There are two possible solutions; five and negative five.
Oh, my god, I was wrong! And by being corrected, I learned! And no one cared about my feelings! I drew a picture of you, being shot by a gun.
Hey, Toilet.
Just kidding, bro.
They used to razz me when I was new here.
It'll pass.
Hey, Mildew.
Do you like tongue twisters? Boy, do I! I'm sorry.
Do you want a jawbreaker? Boy, do I! So do you miss having the girls around? Nah.
Girls never really got me.
Did you know Lisa Simpson? I heard she was pretty cool.
Lisa? Yeah, we totally had a thing, but I had to break it off.
What the hell are you talking about?! She got too clingy.
Milhouse doesn't do clingy.
I have to go.
That was my eating food! Fight! Fight! Fight! Okay, I can talk my way out of this.
Nelson, you're not really angry at me.
You're full of rage 'cause your father abandoned you.
And because you're poor, so you don't feel like you're good enough.
You just want somebody to say "I love you.
" I love you.
I love you, too, Nelson.
I love you, Jimbo.
Hey, every joke has a kernel of truth! Hey, Lis, you missed it.
While you were at girls' school, Nelson totally whaledon this dork.
oh, my god.
That's right.
I'm Toilet.
Toilet.
Not yet.
If I do, she'll never let me go to the boys' math class again.
Hey, no one with a choice should ever have to be a girl.
I'll teach you how to be a boy.
You'd do that for me? That is so sweet.
You're a boy, nothing is sweet.
That hurt.
Sweet.
Now, when you eat like a boy, only two french fries in five should make it into your mouth.
If they fall on the floor, you want 'em more.
Because then they come with extra toppings.
I'm gonna be sick.
Awesome! Do it in that guy's bag while he's not looking.
I am looking, and don't start apuke war that you cannot finish.
Good night.
So, do you want to wang chung tonight? I don't know.
Still frowny with you.
Do you really think women are mentally inferior? Well, honey, you're just as smart as a man.
Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Well, I won't be lonely.
I can always cuddle with the dog.
At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you.
Ho, how did this happen? Now I've been every ball on the playground! Now, for your final test.
To fully become a man, you must pick a fight with someone weaker than you.
A fight? That would mean rejecting the last part of me that's still a girl.
Do it, Lisa! You'll be greater than or equal to boys.
Even though you're only eight, your possibilities are infinite.
Okay, I'll do it.
But whom should I beat up? These dots are Itchy.
Fine, I'll beat up Ralph.
Give me your lunch money.
Okay! I guess I'm gonna have to get this party started.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Forgive me for this.
Okay! You just beat up the most harmless kid in school.
Well done! Hey, Toilet, want to play guns? Sure! I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like I know what's on their minds sucker And the award for outstanding achievement in the field of mathematics goes to Jake Boyman! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Thank you.
Or should I say thank you! Toilet is Lisa?! We've been Yentl'd! That's right, everyone.
The best math student in the whole school is a girl! Wait a minute! Do you know why you did good at math? Did well.
Give it a rest, Melanie.
Calling me by my first name is harassment.
Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Superintendent.
The only reason Lisa won is because she learned to think like a boy! I turned her into a burping, farting, bullying, math machine! That's a lie! I got hit by boy Lisa and girl Lisa.
what have I become? I always thought that boys had it easier.
But now I see their world is more cruel and sadistic than I ever imagined.
Chair fight! And I did get better at math, but it was only by abandoning everything I believed in.
I guess the real reason we don't see many women in math and science is would you hurry it up, please?! You're cutting into the award for best flautist! Well, whatever the answer is, I'm glad I'm a girl, and I'm glad I'm good at math.
Now enjoy your stupid flautist.
And the sandcastle virtues are all swept away in the tidal destruction the moral melee transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Toki
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Regarding Margie
The Simpsons s17e20 Episode Script
Regarding Margie
Are you sure we can make money doing this? What if nobody wants their address painted on the curb? Duh! Nobody wants their address painted on the curb.
We do it without asking, and then they have to pay.
What are you punks doin'?! Answer me, or I'll drop ya like a bad cell phone plan! Sorry.
This thing goes off on its own.
Anyway, you were sayin'? Ignore that.
We painted your address on the curb.
And, since you didn't tell us not to, you owe us ten bucks.
Wow.
A number on the curb? That really classes the joint up.
Yep, things are finally going my way.
I struck oil! I struck oil! I struck oil! When do we tell him that's not oil? Let him have his fun.
Oil! Oil! Only ten dollars to paint my curb like a common whore? Well, I'm happy to pay for a three-digit spray.
Tell you what-- I'll give you another hundred if you paint my garage.
Wait a minute.
That's not a scam! That's honest work for honest pay! No! I'll throw in some christian comic books! Please! Somebody take them! Screw you.
I'm never going to pay.
Well, then we're gonna leave you one digit short.
Fine.
I'll finish it myself.
And don't think I'm gonna screw it up, because I won't! Dad, all you had to do was paint one number.
Now no one's going to be able to find our house.
But, sweetie, I just wanted to tell the '74 Oakland A's how I felt about them.
Look, that guy remembers us! Hey, sal bando, give him a '74 a's "thank you honk.
" My work here is done.
I'm needed at the door! I have a delivery for a Scott and Brenda Weingarten, 74 Evergreen Terrace.
Oh, no problem.
I'll just ship these juicy mail-order steaks back to Omaha.
On second thought, i am Brenda Winecooler.
Dad, isn't it wrong to open or eat other people's mail? Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad things: Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly.
Now, for once, I'm getting rich-person mail.
You wouldn't take that away from me, would you, son? Oh, dad, no one can rationalize like you.
Okay, weingartens, what else is in your mail? Ooh! Marge, do you wanna go to a wedding of a couple we never met? Strangers getting married? I wouldn't miss itfor the world.
Mark and Tracy, I remember the first words I heard you say: "I do.
" Your cousin Scottis so sweet.
But didn't you sayhe was blind? That's what I heard, but he's so confident in his movements.
This is kent brockman, in the springfield keys, reporting to you from the middle of a hurricane.
The lid from my coffee cupis long gone.
I'm scared, people.
Truly scared.
Take that, liberal media.
Homer! This says I've won homemaker magazine's "clean for a day" contest! "A highly skilled professional will come to your home and clean it top to bottom while you relax.
" But how could I have won? I don't subscribe to this periodical.
Marge, I don't have to sit here and listen to your insane ravings about me getting other people's mail.
Hi.
I'm Brenda Weingarten.
Mom, what are you doing? Cleaning up before the housekeeper comes.
This is a total stranger who cleans houses for a living.
Who cares what she thinks? Don't be so naive, Lisa.
Those people all talk to each other.
You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper? Dirty clothes! I found a hair in the drain.
Not a fine upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly! Untidy! Untidy! Untidy! Untidy! Untidy! Untidy! Now, this is a house that's ready to be cleaned! That's her! Don't answer it yet! I don't want that judgmental bitch in my house! Maple syrup mixed with baby spit-up and shoe scuff? This is going to take my whole arsenal at once! Et tu, zud? Ah! She's opening her eyes! Oh! My head feels like it was punched by a boxing man.
How many fingers am I holding up? Two.
Very good.
Now I'll put them backin the jar.
Now I have a question.
Who are you people?! she doesn't recognize us! You monster! What have you done to my face?! When will Marge remember us? It's hard to say, with retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life.
You just have to keep jogging her memory till it works.
Jogging?! I didn't say you should be jogging.
Sweet.
Although you should be jogging.
J ogging?! Marge, I'm gonna take care of you until your amnesia goes scram-nesia.
I got you flowers Fluffy pillow, and a nice, relaxing private room.
You're sweet.
I'm lucky to have such a kind uncle? I'm your husband! Whaaaaat? I am.
We're the same age.
But you're so much more ravaged than I am.
I do eat a lot of crap.
I'm Lisa, I'm eight years old, and this might sound presumptuous, but I'm your favorite.
You seem sweet, but I could never have a favorite.
Well, talk to me in a week.
Hi.
I'm Bart.
I'm ten years old and a professional motocross jumper.
Can you buy me a motocross bike? I may have lost my memory, but I'm not an idiot.
Great news, Marge, we're going home.
Yes, the insurance company said you're as well as they're gonna pay for.
I can't wait to see what kind of home we live in.
Oh, it's great! Like somebody barfed a two-story pile of puke.
Why, you little! You strangle your child? Yeah, but he's cool with it.
Right? It hurts when I swallow.
Why, you little! Now, the doctor said a tour of the town could help bring back your memory.
I say bing cherries are the most delicious! I say maraschino! Who are those freaks? Those "freaks,"as you call them, are some of our closest friends.
Maraschino isn't even a kind of cherry! It's a way of preserving them! Sounds like duff man took the wrong side in this chicken fight.
Oh, yeah! Why is that drug addict driving a school bus? I may be wasted, but I still care about the safety of these kids.
See that ball of fire? That's the sun.
It goes by many names.
Apollo's lantern, day-moon, old blazey.
The important thing is never to touch it.
I know what the sun is! Yes, now you do.
I know that sound! Maggie! My sweet little angel! The sound of the baby must have triggered a primal mnemonic response in mom's brain! Lisa! My little know-it-all! Hey, guys, guess who just became lactose-tolerant? Milhouse! You're Bart's best friend! I remember Bart! I can't believe you remembered me through Milhouse.
He's not even my best friend.
Who's got amnesia now, Bart? It's so great to have my children back.
I better get ready.
I'm next.
All right, Marge, time to remember admiral awesome! Nope.
I'm sorry, admiral, but you're still a stranger to me.
Why do you remember them and not me? I don't know, maybe there'ssomething unpleasant blocking my memory of you.
Hi-dilly ho, Simpsons! Oh, hey, ned.
Isn't today your cat's birthday? I remember, 'cause she shares the date with Patty LaBelle.
All it'll take to unlock your memories of me is one of these blasts from the past.
Here's me fighting with former president Bush.
Me fighting with current president Bush.
And here's me showing a bag of apples who's boss.
I'm sorry, you seem likea colorful character, but I just don't remember you.
Well, maybe if we snuggle, it might rattle some memories loose.
What's "snuggling"? When a man and a woman love each other very much, they usually get together Mr.
Simpson, I don't even know you! I'm not making love with you! But what if we You're describing how to parallel park.
You used to love my non sequiturs.
why can I remember everyone in town except my husband? Simple.
Your brain is trying to save you from your backed-up toilet of a marriage.
Have you been talking like this for my entire marriage? Oh, no.
No.
We've always honored your choice.
I don't know, I should give Homer a chance.
But on the other hand, I feel nothing for him.
This is horrible! We've got to tell dad.
Oh, no! Bart and Lisa are gonna tell me something horrible! Ahwhat? Buy the police department a hang glider, you said.
Fight crime from above, you said.
Yeah, and you said you're only 180 pounds.
Shut upand look for crime.
Mr.
Simpson? Marge, if I can't make you remember me, then I'll make you fall for me all over again.
The heart is the symbol for love.
That Homer Simpson he's quite a guy he paid me ten bucks so I would lie the truth is he's not so great he is the one man I truly hate.
So beautiful.
I wish I could understand italian.
I've had a lovely evening, Mr.
Simpson.
Just wait, we'recoming to the site of our most romantic night ever.
It was the plywood castle that we first well, you know.
Know what? No! I'm not the kind of girl who makes love on a putt-putt golf course! You loved it, especially when the windmill came around and whacked your butt.
That sounds horrible! No.
It was the happiest night of my life.
The warm spring air, the swings I took in the batting cage afterwards.
Don't you remember, darling? No, and I hope I never do! The best thing that ever happened to me was forgetting about you! You know, I still think about you all the time.
Birthday's over, Seymour.
But I'm sorry you have to leave, but I just can't thinkof another way.
I know.
Wait, I thought of another way.
I stay.
Good-bye, Mr.
Simpson.
Dad, we don't want you to leave.
My grades will suffer.
In fact, they're already suffering.
Look at this garden of "Fs.
" You planted them all.
Marge, I realize you've made up your mind, and I want you to know that I deeply respect your That works for hiccups, not amnesia.
I know.
I just thought maybe How long you gonna be bunking with me, son? Well, the rest of your life for sure.
Why are we having dinner in shelbyville? We found a place here that's serving up just what you need.
A mixer? I don't know.
I am still technically married.
All we're saying is go in and chat with these guys.
And if you want a quickie annulment and remarriage, we've got all the paperwork right here.
Why don't you sign a bunch now.
For fun.
Welcome to speed dating, you exciting, lonely people.
Every five minutes I'm going to blow this horn And each man will move one table to his left.
Excuse me.
Is this how you met your husband? No, I met him through friends like a normal person.
Now, speed date.
I I want you to know I'm coming from a very fragile place.
My wife left me Five years ago.
That's so sad.
Why did I kill her, why? Hello there.
Yeah, hi.
How you doing? So let's get right to it.
I don't drive a lexus, okay? I don't have a lear jet or some big beach house in la-la land.
I am just a nice man who makes a decent living.
So I guess I should probably just go shoot myself? Don't get quiet on me.
Please, I hate when they get quiet.
Ta-da! I know what you're thinking, but don't worry, I'm old enough to date.
Dermabrasion.
I think he's a male gay.
I have to admit something, I feel a little silly.
Oh, me, too.
I can't believe anyone ever really finds anyone at these things.
Yeah, I was dragged here by my older brothers.
We used to be quintuplets, but three of us drowned.
I really know where you're coming from.
I guess we have to move on.
Do we? We're adults.
Why don't we just go get a cup of coffee? I'd love to.
I smell romance.
It's a perfect night for love.
Would you pretty ladies care to join us for some champagne? Go suck a rat, Assanova.
That might be Marge.
Don't answer it.
Savor the sound.
Boy Marge? Homer, I don't wantto alarm you, but right now we're looking at your wife yukkin' it up with a good-looking guy.
He just touched her arm and now they're being quiet.
But it's not an awkward silence.
Yeah, it's more like a nothing needs to be said kind of silence.
I just think the best thing a person can do for the world is to be clean and polite.
Wow, that's what I would have said.
Well, I would have said polite and clean, but wow, still.
Oh, no! He's Marge's and my dream man.
I've got to make a play for her now or I might lose her forever.
At least she found someone who can make her happy.
Marge, I feel like the two of us can say anything to each other.
You really mean that? I do.
I've got amnesia and I have three kids.
Wow.
My first thought is respect, both for your mental illness and your ability to get back into shape.
My second thought is good-bye.
You idiot! Do you know what you just gave up? Who the hell are you? The wisest, wettest man you'll ever meet.
Go on.
You just walked away from the sweetest most beautiful woman a guy could want.
In ten years, she never had the last slice of pizza and she's never complained.
Every election she wishes she could vote for both guys because they both seem nice.
And there's a light inside her that makes everyone else look better.
And you blew her off.
Dude, she's got three kids.
I really? Well, she's still great.
Mr.
Simpson I may not know much about you, but you sure know a lot of wonderful things about me.
And that means a lot to a woman.
I still don't remember you.
But for the first time since this happened, I wish I did Homer.
I'm so happy we're together again.
Want to get a drink? You drink? Yeah, I started when you were in the hospital.
I was so worried.
Recently I tried this thing called beer, and I remember everything! You get drunk all the time.
But you also remember that you're an enabler? Of course I do.
That's why we're such a great team.
You've been drinking today, haven't you? I sure have, partner.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Job22
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  The Monkey Suit
The Simpsons s17e21 Episode Script
The Monkey Suit
Welcome to the matinee of love and commercials.
Hi, I'm your hostess Boobarella, I hope you'll enjoy our labour day marathon of murder because soon you'll have to go back to school.
School!!! School? My god I wasted the whole summer.
They're so many things I still want to do.
You think you're behind? Win baseball game.
Now Simpsons be careful, their kid pitcher's mount is really 22.
Son, do you have time for the pizza party? Sure.
Why not? That's Grease! Sit on it, Springfield! Get outta my face, you raggedy maggots! So that's why everyone's been saying that all summer.
No, not yet.
I have to have a summer romance.
I'll never forget you.
Gotta go.
I just had my first kiss.
When you get to third base, I'll buy you a beer.
Well, now it's time for my summer activity.
You all promised we could go to a museum.
I'm so glad you picked the museum of natural history, mom.
Well, I'm so glad there's a show we women can enjoy.
Weaving? Homer, you're my father.
You're supposed to protect me from things like this.
All right.
Just this once, you can take a drink out of my special water bottle.
what?! Sorry, loom-wads.
New exhibit's in town.
Weapons! Bart, it's still history.
Not if I spend the whole time running around like this.
Die, weapons, die! Don't start the exhibit without me! Look at that line! Time to do what I do best, ruin it for everybody.
Hey, Flanders, thanks for saving our place.
But, wait, wait.
Ho hold the phone there, Homer.
Dude, I was totally here.
You calling me a liar in front of my kids? 'Cause I'd take a bullet for you, man, right in the mouth! Fine.
Take the cut.
Ned Flanders is doling out cuts.
I, for one, wish to partake of said! Hey, if boner here is gettin' cuts, I want 'em, too.
Cuts? I want cuts! Disco Stu slides in front of you! That rhymes.
Tell you what.
If we turn around, it will feel like we're at the front of the line! Oh, no, you don't! I'm everywhere.
Imax 3-d films presents: The nunchuck cool but useless nunchuck was inventedthousands of years ago by a chinese monk.
Artifacts of the time indicate that this incident was hilarious.
Wow! This 3-D is amazing! You can actually feel the vase! Go ahead, Maggie.
You're allowed to touch the deadly weapons.
It's a mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses.
Okay, be cool.
I've got some candy in my purse.
Stop! Come on, Milhouse.
Do you want to play in the NBA or not? Bart, my arm's out of its thing.
That means it's working.
Whazzup? You're leaving already? We we haven't even gotten in yet.
Sorry, Flanders, but when you get in, you can use my audio tour.
It's narrated by Melanie Griffith.
This room's nice.
Let's go in to the next one.
This room's nice, too.
this room's nice.
This room's nice, too.
This room's nice, too.
This room's nice.
This room's nice.
This room's nice, too.
Sorry, folks, the weapons exhibit is now closed for the day.
Sorry, no yay.
But you can all feel free to enjoy the rest of the museum.
Evolution? Excuse me.
How can you put up an exhibit on the origin of man and not have one mention of the bible? We do.
What a fool believes my most cherished beliefs, a myth? Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that.
But you said a stork brought me.
That was god disguised as a stork.
Who brings baby storks? There's no such thing as storks! It's all god.
Please bless daddy and mommy stop praying to that stork! They're telling people we're descended from a pack of apes.
Even though there's nothing about it in the bible.
Ned, you've got to take this thing with a grain of salt.
I mean, come on.
Tim, this controversy could put more meat in the seats.
Well our membership has been dwindling since those episcopalians put in those vibrating pews.
Evolution is the hot-button issue.
We need to mobilize our flock.
They'll be hanging on your every word.
I'll be a white Al Sharpton.
Why does every church meeting end this way? We want you to teach alternative theories to Darwinian evolution.
You mean lamarckian evolution? No, the Adam and Eve one.
And what if I say no? I believe you leased your Camry from christian brothers auto.
No! That was a once-in-a-lifetime APR! Class, starting today, we will be presenting an alternative theory on the origin of man.
Creationism?! But that's not science.
It is now.
Are oceans god's tears? They sure are.
A-plus.
Now Lisa's the Ralph.
How can you teach the book of genesis as a scientific theory? This helpful video will evade all your questions.
Eyes screenward.
Let's say hi to two books.
One, the bible, was written by our lord.
The other, "the origin of species," was written by a cowardly drunk named charles Darwin.
This is slander.
Darwin was one of the greatest minds of all time.
Then why is he making out with satan? Evolution is widely acknowledged as scientific fact.
It's even accepted by prominent conservatives like George will and the late pope John Paul.
That's something to think about.
The George will? Lisa, you've said quite enough.
Children, drown her out with whistling and arm flatulence.
All I'm saying is What's wrong, sweetie? They're making us learn creation theory in school.
Today we had a test, and every answer was "god did it.
" Well, I think it's good to give both ideas a fair hearing.
Maybe they could learn from each other.
But they're incompatible! Lisa, lots of times two incompatible things can both be true.
My son's a brat, but he's a special little guy.
You father says he's at work, but there he is jumping on a trampoline.
Mom, you really have to choose here between science and belief.
Well, then I choose so, according to creationism, there were no cavemen.
Good riddance.
Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.
Dad, you're not really reconsidering evolution, are you? My mind is always open to new ideas.
Onions?! In the peas?! What the hell! It is agreed regular people can park in handicapped spaces if they're just running in to buy smokes or maybe some pop tarts for tomorrow.
The system works.
And if there's no further business, I hereby declare this meeting I have an issue I'd like to raise.
Curse my slow gaveling.
Last week, the unscientific theory of creationism was introduced alongside evolution in Springfield public schools.
Now, honestly, the bible's about the same age as, the rest of our textbooks.
Evolution and creationism cannot coexist, people.
It is time to go back to teaching one single truth.
Homer's son's sister's right.
Class, the town has spoken.
From now on we're only teaching one theory creationism.
Now please hand in your evolution books to groundskeeper Willie while I beat this ominous drum.
There seems to be a note on your locker! From a secret admirer, perhaps.
Don't make me laugh.
"Dear seekers of truth: "Meet in the school's single-purpose room tomorrow at lunch.
"Rationally yours, L.
M.
S.
" "L.
M.
S.
" Who could it be? Little Moe Szyslak? Why does everybody call me that? Bunch of snot-faced pukebags.
I'm so glad you could all come.
I will be reading to you from the original of species by Charles Darwin.
I thought we're gonna light spiders on fire.
We're over here.
You all have a nice day.
"Chapter one: When we compare the individuals "of the same variety "or sub-variety of our older cultivated plants and animals" Lisa Simpson, you're under arrest for the teaching of non-biblical science! There are so many worse crimes.
Why are you persecuting me? We only have the manpower to enforce the last law passed.
You know, it's not the best system, but well, in fact, it's it's pretty much the worst.
you live! You die! You live! You die! In the old days, we would've been all over that.
This is Kent Brockman, reporting live from the trial of god vs.
Lisa Simpson.
Defending miss Simpson is aclu-appointed liberal, Clarisse Drummond.
I'm from new york! And prosecuting the case against Lisa is humble country lawyer Wallace Brady.
As the little chicken said to his mama, "I just hope I don't 'cluck up.
'" I think it's fair to say if that man doesn't win, I'm resigning from the jury.
This is Kent Brockman, juror number seven, saying, "I'll have the roast beef for lunch.
" So does this theory of evolution necessarily mean that there is no god? No, of course not.
It just says that god is an impotent nothing from nowhere with less power than the undersecretary of agriculture, who has very little power in our system.
Now, sir, you are a scientist, correct? That's right.
I have a phd in truthology from christian tech.
Move over, Carl.
I got a new hero! Yeah, this'll last about a day.
So, as a scientist, what is your take on this "devil-ution"? Pure hogwash.
If man evolved from monkeys, there'd be evidence.
But when we look at the fossil record, here's what we see.
A missing link.
Why, I believe, right now, this gentleman's having dinner with the tooth fairy and the easter bunny.
This is the break in the case we've been waiting for! I mean, he doesn't exist.
Evolution is just a lot of that hollywood hooey.
Well, I've heard enough for today.
I have to judge a wet t-shirt contest in 20 minutes.
Ah, this trial is the biggest load of For crying out loud! Now.
Bambi, who started that forest fire that killed your mama? Evolution?! My, my, my.
Poor bambi.
Poor thumper I'm sorry, mom.
I should have just gone with the flow, like you said.
Well, I might as well see what all the fuss is about.
Homer, Homer, please.
I love it when you're not into it.
Oh, yeah, baby, mmm That's it, ignore me.
I'm not even here.
Wow, Darwin's argument is incredibly persuasive, and his ship was the beagle, which reminds me of snoopy, my favorite peanut! Lisa, I thinI have a way to help you at the trial today.
So do I! Milhouse will serve the time for you while you flee to Mexico.
Your new name: Senorita Ugly.
Honey, I appreciate the thought, but just leave everything to me.
You can take off the wig, Mihouse.
I'm Nelson! Now, Mr.
Flanders, you're familiar with the bible, correct? As familiar as it's proper to be.
Don't worry, Lisa.
I've got the answer to your problems right here.
Look, Homie, I brought you a beer.
Thanks, Marge.
It's not a twist-off! Come on! And you are positive that man and ape cannot be related? As sure as I am that Jesus hates hip-hop! Come on! Open! I want what's in you! As a matter I want you Homer stupid Homer, I'm trying to will you shut your yap, you big monkey-faced gorilla! Mr.
Flanders, you've sworn to tell the truth.
Can you say that this man could not possibly be related to that ape? You win, Lisa.
This court hereby rules that the law forbidding the teaching of evolution is repealed.
Wait, it was a twist-off.
Thanks, mom.
Thank you, honey, for opening my eyes.
I can't wait to see what evolution will make next.
Maybe a bird with a people face or a bear with pants on! Let's go, boys.
Your poor old popsicle's been licked.
Mr.
Flanders, wait! I want you to know, I respect your beliefs, and I can see how deeply you feel about them.
I just don't think religion should be taught in our schools, any more than you'd want scientist teaching at the church.
Well, i wish this world would evolve a few more kids like you, Lisa.
What say we take our worthy adversary out for a hot fudge fun-day? Cram it, ya god wad.
You whaa? transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Job22
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 17  >  Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play
The Simpsons s17e22 Episode Script
Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play
We now return to Hunch.
There's your murderer.
Are you sure, Hunch? How do you know? Something about his hair I don't know.
How did we miss that? Get him! You did it again, Hunch.
Let's go grab a bite.
You know what I'm in the mood for? Could it be turkey? But how did you? It's amazing they've gotten Remember when we saw Hunch's butt in the shower? That was two seasons ago.
Now you can only see butts on cable.
This is Kent Brockman, with an isotope baseball update.
The 'topes are in first place since the acquisition of home-run king Buck Mitchell.
Thanks to him, Springfield is once again overrun with fair-weather fans.
The isotopes are winning? To the bandwagon! Nothing beats a day at the ballpark with my family.
Tickets, tickets, who needs tickets? Homer, we need those tickets to get in.
Don't worry, I'll use the money I make to buy tickets from a scalper.
Then I'll sell those tickets, and we'll be rich.
Rich! We did it, baby.
We made it through the rain.
Tickets, $30.
Big game.
Everybody wants to see the game.
Cop! Act like you're in love with me.
Peanuts.
$5 peanuts.
You want to know something, Bart? Nah, I know enough.
I, myself, played in this ballpark, back in nineteen forty-deuce.
That was during the war, when sushi was called "liberty logs," and no one had ever heard of it.
But grandpa, in 1942, they only played women's baseball here.
Let's just say one of the ladies had some extra equipment.
I was a center fielder for the Springfield floozies.
The pay wasn't much, but it kept me out of the war for a year.
Effie Lou is a man! Get him! He could threaten my record for lady triples.
That was a magical summer.
How'd I get here? Now, to sing our national anthem, payola recording artist Tabitha Vixx! She's married to Buck Mitchell.
I bet that's why she's here tonight honoring america.
Oh, say, can you see by the dawn'searly light and now here's somethingfrom my new album.
I'm trouble-istic stay away, boy, 'causeyou know I'm trouble-istic think you can control me, you ain't being realistic Hey, Buck, how's it feel knowing your wife's turning on a creep like me? Weird, I bet.
Trouble-istic girlmakes your troublations grow double trouble-isticwhen you try to tell me no trouble, trouble,oh, yeah, trouble and the home of the brave.
she just embarrassed me in front of the entire tornado belt league.
So next up for the cosmos, Freddie Alvarado.
Freddie, of course,the older brother of the famous wolf boy of Juarez, Mexico.
Here's the pitch And Buck Mitchell can't find the handle.
That's an e-3 if you're keeping score at home, and if you are, your loneliness saddens me.
It's okay, buck.
Bad hop, bad hop.
Shake it off, buck.
You suck! I concur! Bart, hand me that sack of batteries.
Nine volt! Double a!D! D! D! D! Cordless drill! Job himself never had a tougher day at the ball park than Buck Mitchell.
He's made six errors, struck out twice and swallowed a bee.
My fiancÃ©e! They're making a mockery out of amerisnack.
Comtroll doll night.
You know what to do, Duffman.
Oh, yeah! Time for the duff triple-malt kiss-cam! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Duffman! But then he kissed me and then he kissed me look, it's a thing.
Each time I saw him I couldn't wait to see him again We both find public displays of affection vulgar.
Come on, doc, she'sa fine-looking woman.
You don't want to work that? I didn't know just what to do so I whispered "I love you" Homer Homer! Now we have to kiss.
The big tv istelling us to.
Look at that ugly old man.
That's you.
Give me a kiss, Homie.
Really? You'd kiss an ugly old man like me? Only if he'll kiss me back.
And then he kissed me and then he kissed me and then he kissed me.
Yeah, Homer.
Suck that face.
Remember when we used to kiss like that, Carl? With our respective girlfriends.
Yeah, I wonder where Jill and Kelly are now? I heard Jill died.
Kelly, I think, is a prostitute.
what a game! I got on the kiss-cam,I participated in "the wave" and I go to pee in a trough.
Marge, can we get a trough? For the last time, no.
Iced tea! Hey, that was my ice tea.
I just sweetened itto my liking.
Buck Mitchell! The baseball-playing man.
I barely recognize you without your costume on.
Evening, ma'am.
I-I couldn't help seeing you two exchanging marital kisses tonight.
Yes, yes, the game you played so horribly at.
Well, unfortunately, my marriage ain't so good.
I never heard anything about it on the gossip shows or the blogosphere or in my supermarket checkout magazine.
I was wondering if you and the mister could give us some marriage counseling.
You know? In return, I can give you season tickets.
Season tickets? I could entertain business clients.
I might even land the Henderson account.
Homer, can I see you in the kitchen? Sure.
That means she want sto talk in private.
It's probably about you.
Homie, I don't think our marriage is so jim-dandy that we should be counseling others.
Hey, we've gone through more hardships than the jews and Charlie Brown put together.
Well, we have managed to squeeze a lot of fun out of married life.
That's just how I feel! See, that's what I want, care free intimacy with no edge of resentment.
Buck Mitchell! Buck, I guess we can help you out.
We'll start tomorrow.
Hey, buck, buck, buck! It's me, the weird guy from the stadium! There were a lot of weird guys at the stadium tonight.
You know, I remembered you.
Buck, Tabitha, welcome.
We'll start your first marriage counseling session as soon as Homer gets here.
Sorry I'm late.
I was just gathering my counseling equipment.
Now, let's remember no one's right and no one's wrong till I say so.
I-I think what Homer means is why don't you tell us what each of you feels is the problem? Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy, you know, and when we got hitched, I just assumed she'd give up her international recording career to focus on my minor league baseball dreams.
Wow, I think we really hit on something here.
Unfortunately, we're out of time.
How does that make you feel? Shut up.
My 10:00's here.
Homer, please.
Let's see here Here's something the book's previous owner underlined-- "be honest with your partner about what you're feeling.
" I don't want to waste any more time in a mismatched marriage.
"Try to frame criticisms of your spouse in a positive way.
" Well, I'm positively sick of her shaking her lady parts for the whole world to eyeball.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Buck, you've got a beautiful woman with a hot body that any man would fantasize about even while making love to his own Marge.
Thank you, Homer.
Maybe we should stop here.
Good idea, honey.
Buck, would you mind signing a couple of baseballs for my boy? Yeah, sure.
Just sign your name above president Lincoln's.
Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting.
If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now.
And I say a monkey can mow our lawn! This house is spectacular.
You must have had a great view of the riots.
I stole a rack of fur coats.
I sell one a year to pay for christmas.
You make me laugh, Homer.
Why, 'cause I'm fat? Okay, tonight we're gonna discuss little ways to keep your romance alive: Make time for each other, an hour, an evening, a mini vacation.
Well, I am presenting at the espy awards next week.
And I'm receiving.
We can wait for our limos together.
Or take the same limo.
Like I always say,"compromise is the key.
" I always say that.
Let's compromise and say nobody said it.
And here's the pitch to Buck Mitchell.
It's going, going and like america's credibility on the world stage, that ball is gone.
Buck mitchell is back and sluggier than ever.
With five home runs in two nights, he's ended rumors of early retirement and inspired rumors of steroid abuse.
But I've heard this turn around is due to the marriage counseling of Marge and Homer Simpson, seen in this file photo.
Homer, I'm proud of you.
You've prolonged a celebrity marriage at least through playoff season.
After that, who gives a hobo's crap? Am I right? I'm a girl who loves men and we live in sexy marriage land sexy marriage land ooh, marriage sexy marriage land.
Wow, I've got this sudden urge to give her a five-dollar bill.
That's it.
We're out of here.
Hey, Tabitha, great show.
I like that part where you mentioned Springfield.
Did you know that's where you are? Why don't you stay and have a bite? You're so hot.
If only I'd seen you before I met my wife.
Homer, you're sweet, but You're talking to the chicken.
Don't tell the hamburger in my car.
Listen, these shows always tense me up.
While your finger sare greasy, could you give me a neck rub? Okay.
So why didn't you marry one of your crummy backup dancers? They're day laborers.
We picked them up inthe home depot parking lot.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's it.
Right there.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it feels so good.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Thank god I brought protection.
I used to be so embarrassed buying these.
Homer simpson? You're supposed to be my marriage counselor.
I did work book pages for you.
We're going to have a lot to talk about at your 3:00.
There ain't gonna be a 3:00.
cancellations require 24 hours notice.
And that's why Lou Gehrig was a selfish cry baby who deserved to die.
Springfield, let's hear from you.
Yeah, I got a question.
How come Buck Mitchell's game is in the toilet again? Well, rumor has it his marriage is failing due to the inept counseling of Homer and Marge simpson.
I knew it, I knew it! So, do I win a jock squawk t-shirt? No.
Sorry.
It don't need no writing on it.
It don't even have to be clean.
Is this Moe? What happened to that bumper sticker we gave you? WIt's holding in my hernia.
Dad, because you and mom screwed up Buck Mitchell's marriage, some kids beat me up at school today.
Yeah, they beat me up at work.
Look at the word they wrote on my skull.
Papa.
I didn't want you to learn that word this way.
Marge, we got to get Buck and Tabitha back together.
This is the most important case of our careers.
Listen, Bub, we are out of the marriage counseling business.
And the only one you should be giving chicken grease neck rubs to is me.
But not me, 'cause I thinkthey're disgusting.
So now we're judging each other based on things we've done.
Real fair.
Class act.
I'm going back to the stadium to bring those two kids back together.
And I'll do it with or without you.
Then I guess you'll do it without me.
But i wanted to do it with you.
Crossed arms mean "no.
" Tabitha, what a coincidence.
I was just thinking sad thoughts about you.
I came to tell you I'm leaving buck.
What?! No.
No what? No! W hat? Buck and I don't belong together.
Don't give up on Buck.
There must be something about him that attracted you in the first place.
Well, yeah.
He was the first man who didn't just like me for my body.
He always complimented meon my hair.
Your standing lamp is dirty.
I'll polish it.
Cancel all my appointments.
Let's go.
So here comes Buck Mitchell in a spot every kid dreams of, where a sacrifice fly could lead his minor league team to a wild card spot.
And there's the duff blimp with a special message from Tabitha to Buck.
Said zeppelin has a whole lotta love.
It's working.
Buck's buying my fake message.
And you said it would never work.
No, I said, "duffmanwill do what you want.
Stop kicking and punching duffman.
" I'm whacking this for you, baby.
And he sends one into the slug-o-sphere.
It's going going My sister's friend! Tabitha! Tabitha! This is the worst blimp crash ever! Too soon! Where are you, sweetie? She was here a minute ago.
She must be pooping.
Hey, you're lying.
This whole stunt was a lie.
Get him! He ruined mini-bat day.
Leave him alone.
All he did was try to help a young couple find their way.
Does he really deserve to get strung up for that? Cut that out.
Duffman gives the people what they want.
Weren't you just tied up in the blimp? Three duffmen are working the game tonight.
Don't tell the children.
It's disillusioning.
Duffman, duffman, duffman, duffman, duffman.
Marriage is hard work.
But it's worth it when you've got someone wonderful like I do.
Buck, I love you, too.
And I'll take you back, if you can guess tonight's attendance.
Let's see, B.
No, no, no.
A.
No, no, oh, man, man! It's C.
As in "keeping together.
" Which is what I want to do.
Well, Homer, looks like my marriage is going into extra innings.
Great.
But enough of the baseball analogies.
They sicken me.
No problem.
No, milady,your carriage awaits.
Ain't love grand, tito? Hey, man,I don't care! Bandits just kidnapped my mother.
Just found out.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Toki & Job22
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Treehouse of Horror XV
The Simpsons s16e01 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XV
We now return to Keepin' It Kodos.
starring Kang! Is dinner ready yet? Our boss will be here any minute now.
This one keeps eating himself Octopuses! I'm done! Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it.
What a delicious meal.
I feel like I'm going to burst.
Cool! I'm vomit! Well, a fine meal like that deserves a hyper-galactic promotion.
Hyper-galactic! Wait a minute I don't have a family anymore.
You do now, son.
You do now.
Simpson Horror Show XV Homer, what are you doing? Trying to get a Frisbee off the roof.
Ah, there's the Frisbee.
Concussion diddily Hemorrhage Doodily Injury Bodily Ned, you nearly died of a brain tumor.
Thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head.
Welcome back, dawg.
My, you look awfully pale.
Let's get you some fresh air.
Hey, while you're there, can you get my Frisbee off the ledge? All right, but I swear to God, this is the very last time.
Oh, man, is this going to hurt.
That's better.
Come on, Ned.
Just because you foresaw Dr.
Hibbert's death doesn't mean you can see into the future.
It was just a sinister co-inky-dink.
Help me! Some bullies threw my shoes over a telephone wire with me in them! Just wriggle loose.
I'll catch you, li'l critter.
Oh, another setback.
What the Family Circus? A second premonition came to fruition.
Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming.
Hey, Flanders, have you seen my Frisbee? Homer, I can foretell people's deaths.
People's deaths, eh? Do me! Do me! So, what'd I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalanche? Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich.
What kind of bread? Um, country parmesan.
Mr.
Flanders, why are you moving? 'Cause I had a vision of myself shooting your father.
In this neighborhood, who hasn't? Well, you can't fight fate but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto : "Not in the face.
" Don't worry, sweetie.
I am not going to kill your father.
Flanders? Kill me? You never killed anybody, and you're going to start with the big dog? Homer, please, don't tempt the gods.
I-I mean God.
There's one God! Only one! Well, sometimes there's three.
Hey, Chief, throw me your piece.
Uh, sure thing, citizen.
Come on.
Shoot me a new one.
Ooh, I'm so scared! Ned Flanders is pointing a gun at me.
You couldn't even shoot me by accident.
even if I whacked the barrel like this.
Quit whacking my barrel! Never! You leave me no choice! I was supposed to shoot you but I didn't! I changed the future! What have I done? I've changed the future for the worse.
Homer, stay away from the nuclear plant.
Fine, I'll never go back starting tomorrow.
Today is Lenny's birthday, and they're having ice cream cake.
But-but you're going to kill us all! But ice cream cake! I got to find Homer.
He's going to blow up the whole town! Yeah, well, you know, you got to take the bitter with the sweet.
Homer, do not press the core destruct button! Press destruct button.
Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! Do it do it! Kill everyone! Sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.
Must kill best friend.
Homer, fall backward! Oh, you stupid son of a Homer, I'm so mad at you! I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage.
Everything's coming up Homer.
Yeah, well, the joke's on you, smart guy.
The garage made it to Heaven, too.
Hmm, I wonder if I could blow up Heaven? Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you.
Your Frisbee.
Cool.
You guys got a good buffet up here? Oh, yeah.
Just stay away from the three-bean salad.
You're not the boss of me.
Hello, ducky.
You gave me quite a fright, you did.
Say, you don't need no fancy knife to get me attention not with those handsome muttonchops.
Come on.
Give us a snog.
That's not a snog! Looks like the Muttonchop Murderer has struck again.
What should we do with the body? I want you to dust her for prints.
What does that mean? The Prince is coming by and I want her clean when he looks her over.
Perhaps we can be of assistance, Inspector.
Well, well, well, look who's here.
Master detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick : Dr.
Bartley.
What's this? A doorknob.
Good show.
So, what clues has the body shewn? We don't need clues.
We've already caught the killer.
This mysterious Hindu is clearly responsible for the murder.
Lock him up till we find someone darker, boys.
Please, I am not a killer.
I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food.
Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies.
Eel pie? My favorite.
We British sure eat crap.
Inspector, might I have a word wit' you? Absolutely Get back down there, you.
- You were saying? - Well, it's like this.
I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am, and I sees this real strange bloke.
Out of sorts.
Mad in the eyes.
All kettles and biscuits.
Well, he seen I was lookin' at him, and he drops this and runs.
Cor, blimey, skip to me loo.
Good Lord! I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl.
I'll take that challenge, Inspector.
Yeah, well, good luck.
Uh, now, boys, let's see the suspect in that child abduction case.
I shall never grow up.
Uh, in jail you will.
Yes, I recognize this blade.
I sold it as part of a set the famed Seven Swords of Osiris.
Now would you be interested in an illustrated novelette? It also includes a "Young David Diligent" adventure.
Confound it, man! I need to know who bought those swords! Very well.
I will check my records.
You may examine my curios, but do not touch my oddities.
Use your judgment with my gewgaws.
Well, I'll be blazed.
I know these missionaries.
I just told the natives they were having sex the wrong way.
Help! Help! Murder! The Muttonchop Murderer is long gone.
But this ledger will lead us to him.
This potion will give me new life.
I'm alive.
I'm gonna go to America.
I'll be in pictures.
You'll see.
The whole world is gonna know the name Simon Stoolowitz.
It says here the swords were sold to C.
Ebenezer Burns.
Burns? The evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies? I know just where to find him.
Ebenezer Burns? Yeah, he's over here.
How ya doin', there? Fresh'n your pipe? Anybody need a let-me-down? Whoa, whoa, heads up there, buddy.
A rat's gnawin' off your toe.
The Sword of Osiris I once possessed the entire collection Then I sold them all for opium.
Oh, how I wish I had them back to sell for more opium! Who did you sell the swords to? A fat man with sideburns like that one over there.
There's your Muttonchop Murderer! Stop, fiend! Opium rules! Hey, hey.
Read the sign.
Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep.
I can make opi-ohs! Well, Dr.
Bartley, another mystery well solved.
Yes, with the murderer behind bars London's working girls are free to follow their merry calling.
Yet another Sword of Osiris! But that must mean the murderer is still at large.
Ah, he could have killed this one days ago.
The body is bloated, and the face is rotten.
It was five minutes ago, you twit.
I'm not a murderer.
I'm not.
And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple.
Quiet, you.
There's cheese in my eel pie.
This week, in our Summer Hanging Series, we're pleased to present the Muttonchop Murderer.
At last God-fearing Londoners are free to walk Whore Alley.
Stay your hand, Inspector.
That man is innocent! The murderer's blade is covered with blood, but the handle is covered with something else: the unmistakable fragrance of eel pie.
Hey, lots of people like eel pie.
Yeah? Well, how many of them have muttonchops? Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.
That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.
you were the most famous member of Scotland Yard.
Why would you do this? Well, the fact is, I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve.
And besides so long, you stupid British twits! You'll never catch me.
I'm traveling at the speed of wind.
Remember me for my police work and not the murders! Well done.
Their fleet is destroyed.
Daddy, I had the craziest dream.
Ralphie, you're still in it.
I have a serious brain disease.
Please give me a cat.
This comically large capsule has lifetime supplies of niacin, thiamin and riboflavin-glavin.
Prior to ingestion, the pill must be reduced by my amazing new shrink ray.
Shrink ray? Oh, there's always something else to buy.
First I lower the capsule top, Then I zap the capsule, And now, who would like a lifetime of perfect health? I'll take it.
No, no that's now well, all right.
That sounds like Maggie.
But she's right here Now, now don't worry, my dear woman.
She will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acid.
Hold on, Maggie! Daddy's coming! I've got her! No, wait.
This is yours.
Your daughter has 30 minutes before the acid dissolves the capsule.
But we can rescue her by sending a miniaturized vessel through Mr.
Burns' body.
Ooh, stop that! The felt is slicing through me like a knife.
Bionauts assemble! - Captain! - Science Officer! - Security! - Marge! Now, I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside.
And, uh, while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.
Let the commencement beginulate! Now, you must enter the subclavian vein.
Screw you, doc! I fly from the gut.
Dad, you should listen to him.
He's a man of science and you can barely read.
Has science ever kissed a woman? or won the Super Bowl? or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science Help me, science! Your ship is wedged in Mr.
Burns' heart.
And you must dislodge it from outside.
But watch out for retroviruses.
Oh, boy, are they retro! It's a fun design by R.
Crumb, who was friends with Harvey Pekar.
Seriously though, touch one and you're dead.
Why is my swimsuit so revealing? Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage! Maybe this'll help.
Where'd you get that rib? There's a whole rack of 'em over there.
I only ate two.
Bart, what are you doing? Takin' a whiz.
Stop that! We're guests in Mr.
Burns.
To get to Maggie in time, we'll have to catch a ride on a nerve impulse.
the body's information superhighway.
Learning is cool! And to make sure we get there super fast I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm.
Well, that hurt like hell.
My sweet, undigested baby! I'm afraid I have some bad news, uh, Simpsons.
With the baby's extra weight, you don't have enough power to make it back.
and one of you must stay behind to save the rest.
Frink out.
Oh, my God! This is the worst Halloween Horror we've ever faced.
And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit, they know where to stop.
We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind.
Fine, me.
Don't worry.
We'll be fine! I'm saying good-bye to everything I ever loved.
Ooh, a marshmallow! Boy, when God closes a door, He opens a window.
Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers? Cut me some slack.
I'm a widow.
Now, there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands.
Uh, make that zero chance.
Frink out.
Dad, would you like some of my Snicker-bar cheesecake? Oh, I feel full enough as it is.
I say when we're full! You don't wanna piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside! Oh, I need a mouth hole.
Um and some other holes, too.
Cheer up, my chubby inner child.
I've got a feeling everything's going to work out fine because "I've got you" "Under my skin!" "I've got you Deep in the heart of me!" "So deep in my heart, you're really a part of me.
" "I've got you" "under my skin!" FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX synchronization by Lord Damon! Everyone loves the Mick.
I don't want Mickey Mantle.
I want my mom.
Plenty of kids are going to look up to me when I'm Auntie whatever it is.
Right now, people just know me as the wife of a guy who doesn't go to work.
Can't you understand that I need this? I guess Dad has to be my hero now.
Not if you knew what he's been doing.
Welcome to the final battle of the Ovenfresh Challenge.
She's already ahead of me.
Well, I didn't come this far not to cheat "I look up to you because you let me down.
" That's clever and devastating.
Stop the competition! I don't deserve to win.
I sabotaged all the other entries.
Looks like me and Marge are both going to hell.
That's when I'll make my move.
Then I won with my festive holiday Alco-Hog.
I thought it was dead! Thanks, honey, for saving me from myself.
And Marge, you'll always be the best chef in our house.
Well, beat me, I do just scrambled eggs, Homer.
The secret ingredient is whiskey.
Hey, it keeps the kids quiet.
Hey, look! The new Ovenfresh Flour bag! That could've been me.
Oh, I wish it had've been.
Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan! But don't you worry.
I'm going to fix his wagon.
A toll booth? I hate these things That's it.
Next time, I fly.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  All's Fair in Oven War
The Simpsons s16e02 Episode Script
All's Fair in Oven War
We now return to Blackula Meets Black Dracula.
I'm turning this disco into a hockey rink.
You mean a honky rink! You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia.
Bart, where did you get those? There's an open house next door.
They're giving out cookies and business cards! Check it out.
I'm a business jerk! Marge, I don't want to buy this house.
I'd have to live next door to myself.
Turn that down! Screw you! Relax, we're just looky-loos.
We're only here to compare our lifestyle to our neighbors.
Marge, It's not fair to compare us to an American household.
It's so beautiful and modern.
Ooh, a Sub-Zero fridge.
A slightly colder fridge? In my lifetime? Amazing.
This is the kitchen I've always wanted.
Ooh, a bread maker-maker! And check this out.
A walk-in microwave! Hey, Marge, can you press "stop" when my popcorn's done? Homie, when I married you, I knew we wouldn't live in luxury.
And I kept that vow.
But seeing that kitchen today made me wish we had something a little better for ourselves.
I'll build you a new kitchen, sweetie.
that's so thoughtful, but maybe we should hire a professional contractor A contractor? Those guys are the biggest crooks around.
They charge for materials and labor! Pick one, jerks! Man, that hurt.
And now to do the exact same thing again.
Maybe you should turn off the power.
All right.
Don't demolish along the way! Easy, easy.
Playdude magazines? Have you been hiding bosom rags from me? Trying to.
These magazines are from before we were married.
Maybe you should throw them away.
But I need them for the articles! Les articles ? So you wouldn't mind if I cut out all the erotic nudes? Of course not.
Why would I want to look at a nude woman I'm not even married to? I wouldn't even know how she could improve me.
"I'm not wearing any clothes So why don't I just splay myself on a pool table"? Steady, steady Here's your precious articles.
Thanks, Marge, I can't wait to read about "Sport Fishing with Sonny Jurgensen.
" What man would want you now? Playdudes! Let the blossoming of Milhouse begin.
I gotta be honest, I don't see what all the hubbub is about.
Hey, the lady in this picture is hot.
She can Calamine my hives anytime.
That's Congresswoman Bella Abzug.
"Ciao Bella" The grown-ups in this magazine are pretty cool.
I could make the tree house look like this.
Then we could have orgies, whatever they are.
We'll be Playdude Playmates! We are Playdude Playmates! We are Playdude Playmates! There it is, nice and smooth.
I'd like to see your boyfriend the contractor do a better job.
I think you used too much plaster.
Oh, now you tell me.
I never stopped telling you.
So that's what that white noise was.
I'm calling a contractor.
Thanks for taking the job.
I'm sorry my husband is being so difficult.
Get lost, crook! That's all right, Mrs.
Simpson.
Many husbands feel emasculated when their wife must turn to a professional to satisfy her remodeling needs.
Why don't you just kiss her? I'm gay.
But I have a subcontractor that does that sort of thing for me.
I like-a to kiss.
Now, don't you worry.
Your kitchen will be done in three weeks.
When Virginia Woolf wrote, "Every woman needs a room of one's own," she must have been talking about the kitchen.
What's the first thing you're gonna make in your new kitchen? How 'bout cooking up some money because this stupid kitchen cost $100,000.
I was thinking of chicken wings.
Those are good too.
Same old stuff: meatloaf, casserole, tuna loaf, loaferole, casseloaf Marge Simpson's Wasabi Buffalo Wings! an Eastern twist on a western New York favorite.
These wings are going straight to my thighs and I say bon voyage! What do you think, Thomas Pynchon? These wings are "V-licious!" I'll put this recipe in the Gravity's Rainbow Cookbook, right next to The Frying of Latke 49.
I agree with my fellow Cornell alumnus! Huzzah for Marge! Huzzah! And how 'bout a huzzah for my husband who paid for our new kitchen? Never! I thought I was Springfield's wing ding king, but, you make my chicken look like cock-a-diddily doo-doo.
Great stuff, Ned.
You know I was gonna enter this here Ovenfresh Bakeoff but up against you, I wouldn't have a Hindu's chance in heaven.
If you win, Ovenfresh Industries will make you the new face of Auntie Ovenfresh.
C'mon, Marge.
It's either you, or I guess it would be a hoot to have my face on everything.
Mrs.
Simpson,you must pursue your dreams.
Like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family.
Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise.
Apu? Never heard of him.
My name is Steve Barnes.
So, when do they start singing? Well, The Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover.
I hope it's in Omaha.
My grammy lives there.
Bart, can you come in here for a second? Your mother's about to show us her new recipe.
Outtasight! Lay it on me, Mama.
In the Ovenfresh Bakeoff, clever presentation is as important as taste.
So I'm entering my dessert dogs! It's deep-fried cookie dough with meringue buns, cherry "ketchup" and caramel "mustard.
" It's dessert, but it's hot dogs, so it's good for you! Marge, I don't want to freak you out, but I think I love you.
I hope the Ovenfresh Bakeoff likes them as much as you do.
Mom, a letter from Ovenfresh Industries! Well, open it.
Open it! Open it! "Thank you for applying to the Ovenfresh Bakeoff.
Every year many wonderful cooks fail to qualify.
" "but screw them, you're in! Congratulations!" Oh, my God! Someone somewhere says I'm better than someone else! I'm proud of you, honey.
Sorry, Ralphie.
The Bakeoff rejected your recipe.
I wanna be in the bakeoff! There, there I think your grilled crayon sandwich was delicious.
You only had a pretend bite.
No, I'm eating it.
Look.
Can you taste the thumbtacks? Crap.
I'm here live at the annual Ovenfresh Bakeoff, brought to you by the Ovenfresh Flour family of products, including Quetzalcoatl's Choice: the favorite from Zihuatanejo to Popocatepetl.
Bart looks different today.
Nelson, your debonair wit reminds me of a young Mort Sahl.
Listen up, ring-a-ding-dingers.
I'm throwin' a little sip 'n' quip at the Playdude Treehouse Saturday night at the top of the ladder.
Be there or be square.
I want to be a triangle.
You're not invited.
It's going to be weird cooking without your tipsy father grabbing me from behind, but I think I'm up to it.
Welcome to the Ovenfresh Bakeoff.
I'm Billy Bouillon Cube.
Follow me to your oven station.
Why, thank you, Billy.
Don't look at my human eyes! Oh, don't mind Billy.
His oven light's on, but nothing's cooking.
So, what you makin' Marge? Well Stuart, I'm making a dessert that looks like a hot dog, but it isn't.
You're making a "tasty fake"? That is so '90s.
Why don't we all move to Seattle and use slow modems? Yo, Marge, your recipe she is pathetic.
She is not! Great licks, man, great licks.
There's no room left in the grotto.
Who's that adult? It wouldn't be a Playdude party without James Caan.
So, I'm trying to talk with Miss November, and Charlie Callas over here is blocking my action with Turns out he's choking on a peanut.
Well, a punch to the gut cleared that right up.
Bart, me and Mrs.
Krabappel, we're going to go play some "backgammon" If you know what I mean.
I don't, but I hope you win.
Oh, he's going to win.
Some guys like a challenge.
Not me.
Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin, let us introduce Auntie Ovenfresh, 1954! Ribbons and trophies are no comfort on your deathbed.
Auntie Ovenfresh! And now, chefs, start your kitchens! Fish scales? Stop! You're tainting my entry! I'm-a so sorry It was, uh, how you say, um, "done with malice aforethought," You did it on purpose? No, no, no, my English, she's a-not-a so good.
I was, uh, how you say,.
.
"ruining your food so I win," Why is everyone at this bakeoff such a meanie-bo-beanie? These muffin-huffin' batter biddies can smell weakness a mile away weakness named Marge! Why can't everyone just play fair and? Did you just dunk your hair in my mixing bowl? You're weak, weak! Listen here, Simpson.
Your son has been exposing our kids to adult themes, unabashed dictionaries and the lesser short fiction of John Cheever.
Adult themes? What are you talking about? My Roddy told a joke about an octopus and a set of bagpipes, and the punchline implied that they fornicated! Ralphie wants to go on the pill! Stupid Bart.
Bagpipes getting down with an octopus That's classic.
Hot bananas coming through.
Oops.
My dessert! Come on, Mom.
You still have 20 minutes left.
You can fix it.
You're right.
If I can feed a family of five on $12 a week, I can do anything.
You feed us on $12 a week? I stretch your father's meatloaf with sawdust.
Attention, contestants, baking time is over.
The judging will commence in one hour.
If your dish is not in the judging room by the time this metal door hits the ground, your entry will not be official, and will be eaten by the janitor.
Hurry, Mom! I guess was the last one.
Damn it! These other dishes look so pretty.
And those cheaters blackened my sugar wieners.
I'd like to give those Betty Crookeds a taste of their own medicine.
Yes medicine.
Baby ear medicine.
Even the Pope couldn't forgive this pizza and he's letting a lot of things slide these days.
Don't worry.
There's plenty for all of you.
Now who's laughing, huh, huh? Me! I'm laughing! I can't believe my mom would cheat.
Hey, sweetie,is Mom winning? Oh, she'll win the contest but she'll lose her soul.
But she'll still win the contest? And lose her soul.
But win the contest? Yes.
If Marge becomes Auntie Ovenfresh, we'll meet all the food personalities Look! It's Mr.
Cashew, the Koobler Dwarfs, Snip, Crinkle and Poof Twinkle the Kidd, I love you! Whoa-ho-ho, easy there, partner.
You killed him.
He was my world! Blood for creme! Blood for creme! It's always difficult to pick two finalists, but this year it was easy.
All the other dishes made us vomit.
Our two remaining dishes are "Blackened Dessert Dogs" by Marge and "Armadillo a la Road" by Brandine No Last Name Given.
That's an entry?! I thought it was garbage.
Just 'cause it was cooked in a garbage can don't make it garbage.
"Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days" "but most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes.
" Bachelors are always squeezin' stuff.
Would you excuse us, Milton? It's Milhouse.
Yeah, and your father's "No House".
Now scram.
Maybe I was a little hard on him.
Oh, well.
Bart, I know a father has no right to pry into the life of his ten-year-old son but what's going on up here? I'm just spreadin' the Playdude philosophy: Hi-fis, Norman Mailer, gettin' some what do you think "some" is? Uh toys? I thought I'd never have to do this, but it's time to tell you the facts of life.
Do you know what a boob is? Oh, yeah.
Good, that'll save us some time.
Why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed? Because we're poor? Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids.
And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is And then the man And then the woman Well, it's better they hear it from me now than from their parents when they're old enough.
Congratulations, Mom.
You seem to have a prescription for success.
What a kind yet oddly ominous thing to say.
Now I've got to get ready for the finals.
Don't forget your secret ingredient cheating! It's not my fault! Lisa, the people in this bakeoff are stinkers who pushed me and pushed me like the pushy-wushies they are! Mom, if I don't have you to look up to, I don't have anyone.
Look, I'll be a winner with feet of clay like Mickey Mantle.
Everyone loves the Mick.
I don't want Mickey Mantle.
I want my mom.
Plenty of kids are going to look up to me when I'm Auntie whatever it is.
Right now, people just know me as the wife of a guy who doesn't go to work.
Can't you understand that I need this? I guess Dad has to be my hero now.
Not if you knew what he's been doing.
Welcome to the final battle of the Ovenfresh Challenge.
She's already ahead of me.
Well, I didn't come this far not to cheat "I look up to you because you let me down.
" That's clever and devastating.
Stop the competition! I don't deserve to win.
I sabotaged all the other entries.
Looks like me and Marge are both going to hell.
That's when I'll make my move.
Then I won with my festive holiday Alco-Hog.
I thought it was dead! Thanks, honey, for saving me from myself.
And Marge, you'll always be the best chef in our house.
Well, beat me, I do just scrambled eggs, Homer.
The secret ingredient is whiskey.
Hey, it keeps the kids quiet.
Hey, look! The new Ovenfresh Flour bag! That could've been me.
Oh, I wish it had've been.
Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan! But don't you worry.
I'm going to fix his wagon.
A toll booth? I hate these things.
That's it.
Next time, I fly.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Sleeping With the Enemy
The Simpsons s16e03 Episode Script
Sleeping With the Enemy
Check it out, girls.
That's right, A double-dogleg, hamstring knotting Hop-Way to Hell.
What insane kangaroo dreamed this fevered nightmare? Behold.
Ladies, grab your pebbles.
- What? - Nothing.
Lisa has a big butt.
Shut up! I do not! Oh no.
Don't make Lisa mad.
She might crush us all with her giant butt.
Shut up, you.
Stop teasing the big-bottomed lass.
She's just as God made her Plump as a Christmas goose.
Dad the kids at school said my butt's big.
That's ridiculous, honey.
You're the cutest little girl I know.
You just have what is known as The Simpson butt.
Permit me to elaborate.
Every Simpson starts with a circle.
Daddy has one big circle here then a smaller one up here two big, sexy circles for eyes one macho muzzle then a snappy new outfit.
Ooh, I'm looking good.
Ooh, cuffs.
Yeah.
And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G.
Party! Party! Party! Party! You want to know a little trick? To downsize my derriere, I just tie a sweater around it.
See? Oh, Homer, you're wasting away to nothing.
You simply must eat something.
Well, you're the boss.
Oh, I love to see my man eat.
Check it out, Homes.
You said if I ever got a hundred on a test, You'd throw me a party.
There's my hundred where's my party? Nice try, loser.
I bet you made up a fake test.
Nope, it's real - Check out the watermark.
- All right.
SEUL VOUS POUVEZ PREVENIR LES FRAUDES Here's a mistake.
It says the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort.
Dream on, pal.
Homer, the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort.
Really? Frankfurter is that anything? Yes, it's something, dear.
See, it's all legit.
Now make with the party.
All right, boy, which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this.
Bart really did get a hundred.
I gave a test on state capitals, but I forgot to roll up the map.
Everyone got a hundred.
I win.
P-A-R-T.
Par-tee.
People, please.
It's a school night.
I thought you two broke up.
This means nothing.
Yes, yes, you've made that quite clear.
Maybe a different outfit would make me look thinner.
This store makes me feel even worse about myself.
I heard she's back to her birth weight.
Must be nice.
No, no, the body on this mannequin is all wrong.
I know.
It's such an unrealistic standard for young Planing down the thighs, I make four bucks an hour planing down the thighs.
I don't look so bad.
Don't worry, Lisa.
You can still find someone to love you.
Now you've got no choice.
Non ! Oh boy, Barty's gonna party.
He sure is if he can keep up with these party animals.
Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Grandma Bouvier and Grampa.
Plus your school-yard chums: Martin and Ralph.
Bart's my bestest boyfriend.
Oh Mom, this guest list sucks.
It's the best I could do on such short notice.
Where's Milhouse? He's got the measles.
But we've got him on speakerphone.
Rock on.
You know, the first time I met Bart was at recess in first grade Oh, I told him to use a land line.
Okay, gang, let's get this party started.
or should I say Barted? For our first game, I need everyone to draw a picture of President Eisenhower.
I drew him with Canadian Prime Minister Louis St.
Laurent.
Their relationship was frosty at best.
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, Say "goose," you stupid freak.
Oh, Mom, this was the worst party ever.
Gee, I did the best I could Here's Lisa.
She'll save the party.
Honey, sit down.
Have a big slice of cake.
What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? Lisa, wait Hello? Hello? I had to leave 'cause my French bread pizza dinged.
Hello? Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, What's the big deal Bart didn't like his presents.
So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts.
Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap.
Oh, it's not just the presents.
The kids don't appreciate me anymore.
They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.
So they're growing up.
Soon they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself.
hundreds of thousands of hours, And then, the peace of the grave.
No! No, I've got a lot more mothering left in me.
I'll be right here at Then I'll take you to the zoo.
We can eat fries out of a safari hat! No, thanks.
I'm going to stay in the library and do a little reading.
Well, I guess it's just you and me, Bart! Mom, after that lame party you threw, I'd rather hang out with thunder-thighs here.
They grow up so fast.
They're just asserting their independence.
If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen.
Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in applesauce? Or are you gonna take it like a big boy? Applesauce.
Oh, sure, you love me now, but you'll turn.
Stop struggling and get in my mouth, jerks! Aren't you the boy who beats up my son? Prob'ly.
What's your name? Simpson.
Oh, yeah.
Bart Simpson.
Spiky hair, soft kidneys, always hitting himself? Those tadpoles are your lunch? Technically, brunch.
Well, here, take this.
My daughter didn't want the lunch I made.
This sandwich rocks.
My tadpoles seem crude by comparison.
You're nocturnal.
You don't have to impress me by making fun of others.
I already like you.
I'm starting to let down my guard.
Thanks, Mrs.
S.
Today didn't totally suck nard.
It's nice to be appreciated.
Whatever.
Take it sleazy.
Mom?! Nelson? I thought you were sleeping in the park tonight.
Oh, that's okay, the kid don't bother me none.
Hey, Nelson, say hello to Moe.
He said he'd take you camping sometime.
I said I might.
Hey, kids, I just heard they canceled league night down at the bowling alley.
You know what that means? Open lanes! Whaddya say? It'll be BLAM! Bart, Lisa and Mom.
Mom, when I want lame and needy, I'll call Milhouse.
No offense.
Fine! I'll take my mothering elsewhere.
Ooh, great roll, Nelson.
Here, I cut up your hot dog for you.
Wow, hot dogs are awesome! You've never had one before? No, but I saw some in a catalog once.
People in sweaters were eating them at a picnic.
So, my mom works at Hooters, but her dream is to go to Vegas and work in a real strip club.
And, uh, where's your dad in all this? He went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.
He said "smell ya later," but he never smelled me again.
Nelson, how'd you like to earn some extra money around our house? I have some odd jobs my kids won't do.
Yeah.
I get the feeling Bart isn't everything he could be in the son department.
Sometimes I think he's more interested in his "Itchy and Mitchy" cartoons than me.
I'm sure it's just a phase, like when I used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the freeway.
That's how we get our Kaypro.
Hey, Lisa.
Are you counting how many days it takes to wash your big butt? I can't hear you.
That's because your butt blocks your ears.
That doesn't make any sense.
Neither does your butt.
I know this obsession with thinness is unhealthy.
.
and anti-feminist but that's what a fat girl would say.
Lis, look! Now, I know there's a handsome young man behind all that hair and dirt.
Maybe not, but you did a great job on the lawn.
Thanks, Dingus I mean, ma'am.
My mother my bully my God! Lisa, just take a bite.
One bite That's all I ask! Now, I can't have toothpaste tonight.
Here's the money you gave my son.
We don't want your charity.
I didn't give your son charity.
I gave him self-respect.
Self-respect, huh? No wonder he came home with his vest all buttoned like he was somebody.
Go home to your son, Mrs.
Muntz, and try not to have intercourse on the way! Nelson, what are you doing out this late? My mom ditched me! She went to Hollywood to be an actress, but her range is limited! She's still your mother.
Come inside.
Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk?! What are you doing in my jammies? I'm your new roommate.
I call top bunk.
But it's a single bed.
I said top bunk! Mom, the reason God invented dead bolts is to keep people like Nelson out of your house.
Bart, have you ever eaten a Tootsie Pop? You know, there's a tough, crunchy shell, but if you lick it, there's a delicious sweetness inside.
Be nice to Nelson, and I'll give you a Tootsie Pop.
Morning, losers.
Mrs.
Simpson.
Pancakes, my favorite! Bart, eat up or you'll be late for school.
I'm not hungry.
You heard the lady, clean your plate! Savor it.
Let the flavors dance on your palate.
Next on ABC, Who's dropping by to see George Lopez ? We pray it's you! Open.
Nelson, doesn't that hurt your teeth? My teeth hurt all the time.
I just try to think about motorcycles.
I don't like the sound of that.
Tomorrow I'm taking you to Dr.
Shapiro.
A doctor for your teeth? What's next, a lawyer for your hair? Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you see me? Papa, can you find me in the night? Papa, are you near me? Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you help me not be frightened? Looking at the skies I seem to see a million eyes Which ones are yours? I gotta do something about him.
This is the perfect test.
If I can have one dab of frosting and then stop, I'll know I've conquered food at last.
That was too easy.
If I stop here, I still have some dignity.
Well, at least she's not singing Streisand.
Hey Lis, still insecure about your body? Yeah, a little.
Those mean girls just get to me.
I understand.
I have a sister I think she's dead now who had the same problem.
And I know just the solution.
Sherri.
Terri.
The only thing sweeter than you two are these stolen cookies.
Enjoy.
Thank you, Nelson.
Sherri smells, Terri smells Stinky all the way Stink-stink stink, stink-stink stink One-horse open sleigh Thank you, Nelson.
He who haw haws last, haw haws best.
I really appreciate you teaching those mean girls a lesson.
Tomorrow I can bleach a swear word into their hair.
I'd like that.
Nelson? Papa! You came back! I never meant to leave you, Nelson.
But something awful happened when I went to the store.
Well, that explains a lot.
Who's hungry? No.
I want to hear what happened at the store.
Well, I went in to buy cigarettes Could you gift-wrap them, please? They're for my son.
I also bought myself a candy bar, which, uh, unfortunately was filled with peanuts, to which I am allergic.
I ran outside just as the circus was rolling into town.
And that's where I found him.
I brought him back here so he could take Nelson away, and my bruises would heal.
I want to give you a home again, son.
And so do I.
- Mom! I got an acting job.
From the third director I slept with.
I play Lady MacBeth.
I don't have to take my top off, but I do anyway.
Well, I'm glad everything worked out so well.
The Muntzes are back in business.
Yep, the Four Muntzes.
Thanks for finding my Dad, Bart.
And thanks, lady, for making me feel good about myself.
So, now that you're happy again, I guess you won't beat me up at school anymore.
I wish it were that simple.
I really do.
They're a family again.
And so are we.
What happened? Sometimes you have to adopt your son's bully in order to bring your own family temporarily closer.
And Lisa, what have you learned? Nothing.
Like many women, I still have an unhealthy obsession with my weight.
But talking about the problem is the first step towards the solution, right? I guess.
But there's a long way to go.
Come on, say something conclusive.
I'm afraid this is a very open-ended problem.
Oh, open-ended?! Oh, come on, Lisa.
Say everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
That was you.
Prove it.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  She Used to Be My Girl
The Simpsons s16e04 Episode Script
She Used to Be My Girl
Toucher un raton laveur mort n'est pas une recherche scientifique.
C'mon, boy.
Take your pill.
Mom, the dog won't take his medicine.
It helps if you wrap it in a slice of cheese.
Free cheese! Homer, that was for the dog.
What's happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night.
Then came the heart attacks.
What's that rumble? It's a media circus.
The circus! A media circus.
I don't know the difference! ABC, CBS the Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire.
I'll get the spare.
No.
We must wait for God to jack us.
In Springfield today, a sex scandal has brought in reporters from around the world.
Why, here's Fox News.
The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby, named today in paternity suits by 27 different women.
Why won't you acknowledge our love child?! that is not my baby.
Raise this as your own.
This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.
The Juice is still on the loose.
Mr.
Mayor, just how many illegitimate children are you hiding? Kent, I'm hiding nothing Except this puppy.
Look into his eyes and tell me I'm lying.
Well, I'm placated, and so are all my friends in the local media.
I have a question.
Chloe Talbot, Global News Network.
it seems a big shot reporter from some major news outlet isn't satisfied.
Well, if it isn't local news legend Kent Brockman.
Hey, Kent, run over any more pedestrians? Those records are sealed.
She's from Springfield.
I knew her in high school.
I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield.
What about that two-headed goat? Technically, he was born in Shelbyville.
Yes, but he came here to die.
One of you ate tin cans, one of you ate health food.
How you solved crimes, I'll never know.
Mr.
Mayor, you claim to be faithful to your wife, but I have obtained this exclusive video tape.
Come on, baby, read my sash.
You're the major? That's mayor, you fertile moron.
Two things are certain-- the mayor is in deep trouble, and the local newsmen in this town are idiots.
Channel Six News rocks.
A car chase every night, or the weather girl wears a tube top.
And if she doesn't, you win a pizza.
Chloe sure turned out successful.
You're successful, too, Mom.
You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise.
Marge, I figured out a way we can get in on this Quimby lawsuit.
Bart, go ahead.
Mayor Quimby is my father.
Give me one million dollars.
Diamond Joe's got to go! Diamond Joe's got to go! Mr.
Mayor, will you answer one question? Only if it is submitted in writing.
Checkmate.
Marge? Marge Simpson? Chloe, hi.
where are you living now? Evergreen Terrace.
Paris? Just like you always dreamed.
Terrace.
Evergreen Terrace.
The street that smells like pee.
This is my daughter, Lisa.
Chloe, I really admire how you got out of Springfield and became such a success.
Hey, only the lame-os stay.
And your mother.
Super lady.
Well, it is good to see you, Chloe.
Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow? Oh, I'd love to.
I'm getting so sick of these greasy catered meals.
You insult me, you insult Italy.
Which is shaped like a boot.
Who knew? Homer Simpson.
I sawed you on the television.
I remember you from high school.
You barfed in my tuba.
I believe it was the school's tuba.
These kebabs you made are as good or better than anything I've ever had at this table.
Homer.
Oh, Marge, I'm just being polite.
My back pain's completely cured.
That was one too many.
I got the recipe for these in Istanbul.
More.
I was writing a story for Harper's Magazine.
Harper's Magazine.
I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder.
Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night.
Marge, what's exciting in your life lately? Well We finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day.
Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.
The excitement never stops.
Chloe, would you like to see slides of our trip to Athens Boulevard Recreational Center? I'd love to Ooh, my show's on.
Mind if we watch a little? I guess.
The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot.
Tonight, Chloe interviews Bob Dylan.
So Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Well, I'll tell you one thing shalom.
Followed by Chloe's triumphant return to her depressing little hometown: Springfield.
Hello, Ned.
Hey, Comic Book Guy, Krusty the Clown I thought he was dead.
Yeah? I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately.
You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.
Oh, come on, Marge.
The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court- ordered ankle bracelet.
I'm here! I'm here! Quit buggin' me.
Why do you always have to show that to company? It's a conversation starter.
This is the dance the Chinese government makes dissidents perform before they shoot them.
Homer, what are you doing? I swallowed a chicken bone.
Chloe, you've lived so many fascinating places.
Yes, but down deep in my heart, I'll always be the girl who wanted to leave Springfield.
Gee, with all that travel, you probably haven't had much time to find that special someone.
Oh, I've had a few flings.
Bill Clinton.
Schwarzenneger.
Oh, excuse me.
But not all of us can be as lucky as you, Marge.
Homer's a wonderful man.
Did you just swallow another bone? Same one.
Chloe is amazing.
Even her serving bowl smells glamorous.
That's ridiculous.
No one's bowl smells It's like Christmas in Aspen.
Did you know back in high school that she'd be such a star? Back then, we were both stars in the thrill-a-minute world of high school journalism.
Together we broke the biggest story of the semester.
One of the cafeteria workers was spitting in the soup.
I'll teach you to give me my first job out of prison.
When we published the story, we received the school's highest award.
Ladies, it is my great pleasure to award you these certificates of merit.
In this box marked "honoree," fill in your names.
And over here, write in what you did.
I'll be back.
You ain't tasted the last of my spit.
Oh, that Moe.
But good for you, Mom! Why didn't you follow Chloe into journalism? Well, we both faced a tough decision go off to journalism school, or stay in Springfield with our sweethearts.
Stay with me, Marge, and I promise we'll travel the world and perhaps outer space.
I love you, Chloe and I love you too, brake fluid.
Chloe left town as soon as Barney proposed.
I would've followed her, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy Bart, stop that! This isn't what it looks like.
Why would Homer write his name in grime? Ah, that's better.
Mom, Chloe just won the Peabody Award! Well, I just made the bathroom floor smell like lemons.
Where's the award for that? Oh, Mom, don't feel bad.
Everybody appreciates your I'm late for my dinner with Chloe! Good news, Marge! I've learned to walk naked on stilts! There's Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw hanging out with Kent Brockman! You want your mic back, local anchor? This just in I'm pissed off! Hi, fellas! Chloe, wanna feel my muscle? Chloe has such an amazing life.
I wonder what would have happened if I'd stuck with journalism.
Oh, honey, her life can't compare to yours.
You've got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67, and you're married to King Stink! Yeah, I guess.
Marge, listen to me.
Chloe may have a flashy job, but you're the backbone of this family.
You're like the electrical tape that holds the two halves of my car together.
That's a sweet thought, Homie.
I just hate to see you upset, honey.
You know what would be a good name for Maggie? Chloe ! That was such an exciting night.
Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen.
I really had fun.
It's gonna be a let-down going to school tomorrow.
We have to make a pilgrim out of felt.
I'm covering the U.
N.
Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow.
You want to come with me? That'd be wonderful! I'd I'd have to ask my Mom.
Well, you can ask her right now.
She's glaring at us from the front lawn.
Marge, it's my fault we're a little late.
How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility? Keep your dish-washing hands off the Armani! For your information, our electric dishwasher is on the fritz.
Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances.
Do ya? Huh, do ya? That's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G.
Gordon Liddy! I'm so sick of names! Ladies! There is no need to fight over me.
No one's fighting over you! Oh.
Well, then, carry on.
You don't know when to quit! "Shiner-Be-Gone.
" Lisa, honey, let me explain what happened tonight.
Sometimes when your mom has half a glass of wine, she goes cuckoo bananas.
So is it okay if I go to the women's conference with Chloe? Let me think about it.
No.
I've never disobeyed Mom before.
Is this a step I'm really willing to take? I don't know.
The more I think about it Thinking is for losers! Bart! Thanks for helping me make up my mind.
Thanks for cushioning my fall.
I didn't cushion your I saw your report on Kuala Lumpur.
Truly hard-hitting.
Thanks, Tom.
I really appreciate that.
So, I, you know, I was wondering - Yes? Would you like to come to my celebrity racquetball tournament? I'll have to check my schedule.
I'll give you a first-round bye.
Gotta go, Tom.
I'll think about it.
Lisa, breakfast! I know you're mad at me, but I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch.
Homer, we've gotta get Lisa! All right.
While I'm gone, boy, you think about what you did.
What did I do? You, uh Why, you little! Need a reason for strangling, do ya? I'll fix your wagon! Hello.
Chloe, forget about the women's conference! I need you to get over to Mount Springfield.
It's about to erupt! Don't we have a reporter who specializes in natural disasters? Yeah, he's busy covering Julia Roberts' last haircut.
But seriously, he's dead.
Now get going! Hey, there! The name's Chet.
I'm your cameraman for this here 'cano story.
Let's see.
I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon Okay, okay, I lied.
I shoot wedding videos Just Fort Worth! Hello, U.
N.
Women's Conference! We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it, but at least we can go out as the great journalists we are.
I'm not a journalist.
I'm not a journalist.
You are now.
Remember to keep my boobs in the shot.
And we're on in five, four, three I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars.
And I'm growing ashamed of my penis.
Homer, look! I'm here at the long-dormant Springfield Volcano, which is now spewing noxious debris into the air.
How male.
With me is my eight-year-old cameragirl, Lisa Simpson.
She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list.
Marge, that's crazy talk.
Now look.
I'll save Lisa.
Your place is here with the women.
Okay, you go save Lisa.
I'll stay here with the women.
What do women want?! We've gotta go now! Okay.
I'll run as fast as I can, but I'm full of potato salad.
I'm sorry, folks.
You're not allowed to go up there.
In fact, I don't even know why I'm here.
This lava is not a criminal.
It hasn't hurt anybody.
Anybody I know.
Chief, my daughter's up there.
You're a father, too.
Yeah, but I'm a cop first then a boat enthusiast amateur historian yo-yo dieter then I'm a cop again Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart! I'll save you, Lisa! Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground! Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma.
You're so smart, Chloe! Walter Cronkite told me the same thing.
Shut up! Mom, that was incredible! Nothing's more powerful than a mother's love.
Mom, your hair! Don't worry.
We've got two hours before it burns down to my head.
Our top story tonight: I'm about to die! Barney, you saved my life.
Chloe, when you left me, I was devastated.
But I sobered up long enough to become a pilot.
With you beside me, I think I could make it work.
How 'bout a half hour of pity sex? Is there any other kind? In the wake of the devastating eruption, one Springfielder proved herself a hero: Marge Simpson.
She's won herself a free hero sandwich at Springfield Sub Shops.
Extra charge for warm-ups! Mom, I wanna be just like you.
I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa.
Pretend to care! Well, looking at you kids, I know I made the right choice in life.
I'm sure you did.
But still, don't you ever wonder what might have happened if things had gone differently? Well This is Marge Simpson reporting from Lake Placid where the miracle on ice never happened.
No! Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob.
There's no time to be picky.
Perhaps we should help.
Screw her! Captioned by
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Fat Man and Little Boy
The Simpsons s16e05 Episode Script
Fat Man and Little Boy
Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to Hello, operator Get me number nine And if you disconnect me, I'll chop off your be .
.
hind the 'frigerator There was a piece of glass Miss Lucy sat upon it and it cut her big fat Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more Spitballs! I'm using your unfinished novel.
You're in big trouble, mister.
I'm bleeding.
Hmm, there's no cut on your cheek.
Where'd the blood come from? Hey, I got a loose tooth.
Gross! I bet you can't twist it.
Of course, I can twist it.
I'm great.
This is my last baby tooth.
That's the money tooth.
I heard the tooth fairy pays triple for it.
Then let's hurry up and rip it out of my head.
Skinner! Your bus driver just totaled my Camry! Can I offer you the use of my Merkur? Filled with your Burger King cups and wrappers? No, thank you.
Lousy drawer.
Potato masher's stuck in the small spoon slot.
What kind of madman would do that? Bart, honey, I'm so sorry.
No problem.
No harm done.
I wouldn't say that.
God, please give your daughter the Tooth Fairy the strength to carry my cash and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till.
What the? The Tooth Fairy's made a donation in my name to the United Way?! That gossamer witch! Maybe when the Tooth Fairy saw it was your last baby tooth, she realized you're not a little boy anymore.
So she gave you a grownup gift.
I'm not going to grow up! Oh, yes, you are.
Why in the right light, you're starting to get your own muzzle.
I thought it was chocolate milk.
Yeah, that's how it starts.
No! I'm still a kid.
And what do kids love? Kid stuff like this.
What you realizing, jerk? That I'm not a kid anymore.
That's harsh.
I knew I was an adult the day the judge said, "We're trying you as an adult.
" Well, there's one thing no one can take away-- my childlike imagination.
Sergeant Activity, your mission is to scale the icy walls of Mt.
Bloodkill.
Must defeat Dr.
Blizzard and the avalanchoids.
Lieutenant Adventure, what are you doing here? You're quite the daredevil, Sergeant Activity.
It's high time you protected yourself with supplemental disability insurance.
At my age? Can I qualify? You'd be surprised.
If you're a non-smoker, it can cost just a few dollars a month.
What's happening to me? Maybe I'm not a kid anymore.
Good-bye Spirogram, good-bye Sketch-N-Etch, good-bye Ravenous Ravenous Rhinos, Duopoly, Parchoosey, Humor Putty and Sock 'Em Knock 'Em Cyborgs.
Good-bye, childhood.
"Dust in the wind" "All we are is dust in the wind" Good-bye, friends.
"So Eden sank to grief, "so dawn goes down today.
Nothing gold can stay.
" Hey, Sea Captain.
Giving your toys a Viking funeral, eh? I really don't want to talk about it.
If you change your mind, I won't be far.
Thanks, but I've been told I'm a good listener.
But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering you.
He's gone.
Darn it! I just want a friend who isn't a work friend.
Bart, if you don't get up now, good luck getting a pancake.
Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove.
Lis, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.
If you're feeling depressed, do what I do and write something-- a novel, a play.
Or I could write something that's not gay.
Bart, someone wrote something cynical on your shirt.
Let me wash it off.
Leave me alone.
This expresses my rage at the machine.
Well, I like T-shirts with a nice joke.
Like, "Support Our Troops.
" Bart's T-Shirt is a classic.
just like "Keep on Truckin'.
" As if I would ever want to stop truckin'.
I wish I had that shirt.
It's clever, funny, and would cover my boy boobs nicely.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt" "Too sexy for my shirt" "So sexy it hurts" "I'm too sexy for Milan" "Too sexy for Milan" Bart, I need that shirt.
I'll trade you Puppy Goo Goo for it.
She still has a lot of her original strawberry scent.
Forget it.
My attitude isn't for sale.
What am I saying? Of course it is.
T-shirts! Get your sassy T-shirts! Daddy, can I buy this one? Let's see.
"Get bent.
" Well, the only thing that could mean is "Kneel down and pray.
" We'll take the whole box.
Get bent, everyone.
This could get me out of a lot of sticky situations.
I'll take a dozen.
Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes? Sorry.
Well, what do you got him peeing on? Well, well, well.
Selling T-shirts without a permit, and it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out.
Come on, Chief.
I can't afford to pay protection to you and Nelson.
Well, then, you're out of business, boy.
Let's go, boys.
Confiscate his merchandise.
Are any of those my size? Extra-extra-extra extra-extra extra-extra large? Here you go, Chief.
"Proud Nubian Princess.
" Score! It's no fair.
I just started, and I'm out of business.
Why don't you go legit and sell your shirts in stores? But I'm just a kid.
You're a kid no longer, Bart.
You've become a man.
Hey, you're right.
I am.
And as an adult, you'll be needing comprehensive insurance.
I'll just leave these brochures.
So how can I get my shirts in stores? I bet you could find a distributor at the Springfield Novelty Expo.
That's right.
It's tomorrow.
Oh, my God, it's a small retailer.
He could make or break us.
Mr.
Retailer! Over here! Your customers will love these mood lollipops.
Every lick reveals your mood.
It works.
If blue is the color for "unimpressed.
" T-shirts.
Come order my homemade T-shirts.
My mom thinks they're good! Are y'all ready for this? Krusty Show T-shirts are made for kids by kids.
And we pass the slavings on to you.
We've got all your favorite characters-- Itchy, Scratchy, Poochy, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochy, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy, and Osama Bin Scratchy.
That sucked.
Well, at least I've still got my health.
Oh, my golly graciousness.
Bad car.
Apologize to the poor little boy.
This shirt is humorlarious.
Let's see what else you've got.
Amazing, trailblazing, insightful, delightful, hysterical, a miracle! The kids'll go cuckoo for these.
My name's Goose Gladwell.
Of Goose's Gags and Gifts?! That's right.
I've got 20 stores in 30 states, and I want to sell your shirts in most of them.
You really think my shirts will sell? Absotivally.
Here, take my card.
Sorry.
That's my old number.
Let me give you the new one.
Darn.
It's out of ink.
But my phone number's on the pen.
Oh, but it's my old phone number.
I'll call you.
I've been reading this magazine for years, but I never dreamed my son would be on the cover.
It's Goose! What the? Hello, Simpsons.
You broke in! We're big fans, Mr.
Gladwell.
Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.
Bart, that's your share of the T-shirt profits so far.
Look at all that cash.
And now, it's time for me to leave! What a delightful sprite! Smithers, there seems to be some sort of communiquÃ© on that man's blouse.
I believe it says, "Don't wake me.
I'm working.
" Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism! Ripe for the quashing.
You're suspended without pay.
Take your clacking balls and go.
And on your way out, remove all the fillings you got under our dental plan.
You know what, Mr.
Burns? I'm never coming back.
My son's making so much cash in the T-shirt game, that I don't have to work another day in my life.
Assuming my health does not deteriorate as I age.
Good riddance to bad blubber.
Smithers, want to go get a cup of coffee? I just had one, sir.
Why is everyone so insolent today? Well, today is Christmas, sir.
I say when it's Christmas.
Too much change around the house got you down? Help me, Romco Change Magician! The Change Magician will change your life for the better! Order today! Bart, can I ask you an important question? How much? $29.
99.
Here's 50.
That's your donut money, too, Mister.
Lenny, Carl, how you doing? Hey, Homer.
How's retirement? It's awesome.
You know what I've gotten into? Sleeping till noon.
Yeah.
Well, we better get going.
Some of us have to get up for work tomorrow.
Hey, just 'cause I'm not working doesn't mean I can't gripe like you guys.
Don't you hate it when people steal your lunch out of the break room fridge? Actually, that stopped after you left, Homer.
Yeah, well, enjoy the autumn of your years, jerk.
Oh, I see what's going on.
You can't stand to be around a guy who's got total financial independence.
Your bill, sir.
No problem.
Bart, I need $200! Dad, the bill's only 100.
I broke some bathroom fixtures.
Pathetic.
I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my ten-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something.
I still call the shots around here.
Homer, use your inside voice.
I don't have an inside voice! The wild Serengeti-- home of Africa's equivalent to the mountain lion, the regular lion.
These toothy Tarzan munchers have a rigid hierarchy with a single alpha male ruling the pride until a younger, more aggressive lion challenges his power.
The couch is like that tree.
The displaced male has two choices: either spend the rest of his days among the other broken-down old lions All the good graves are taken.
or find inclusion in the tribe, by caring for vulnerable young cubs.
Lisa, basic cable said I should nurture you.
Great.
Will you play Malibu Stacy with me? Okay, you be the girl and I'll be the car.
I'm going to the organic market.
Screw the market, we're going to Mexico! It's El Flanderino.
Run him down! I can't run; I'm wearing flip flops! what's that dealie? It's my entry for the all-school science fair.
It shows the history of nuclear physics, from Marie Curie's laboratory to a scale model of the first nuclear reactor.
Oh, you'll win for sure.
You and science go together like Lenny and Carl.
The science is Carl.
Oh, Lisa! I'd like to introduce you to the next winner of the science fair.
Behold! My project.
Childlike Humanoid Urban Muchacho-- Or CHUM! Don't hold my hand.
It's creepy.
Hush, my pet.
Now let us gather our rosebuds while we may.
A robot?! Last year the winner was a jar of owl pellets.
I don't have a chance now.
Honey, all you need's a little help from your dad.
Remember, I did used to work at a science factory.
Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
Sweetie, that's orphan talk.
Stupid atomic pile! How hard could it be to build a reactor? Korea did it, and look at the quality of their animation.
What to do, what to do.
Maybe the Internet has the information I need.
It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.
"Are you a terrorist?" No.
"Would you like to meet someone special but are tired of the bar scene?" No.
I will never tire of the bar scene.
Let's see, I can make that.
You can get that by smashing open a golf ball.
That you can find in any player piano.
All I need is some plutonium, and I know just the place to get it.
Dad? Don't look.
Dad, what did you do? Sweetie, your daddy is going to show you just how much he loves you.
You know that non-functioning nuclear reactor you built? Yes? I juiced it up a little.
Dad, that could explode.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
That thing's gonna blow! Drop this toy and run! Mom, Dad built a device that would be deadly in the wrong hands, and he's holding it.
Homer, I want you to get that damn irradiating whatsit out of my home.
I never complain about your frilly pillows.
How many T-shirts do you have here? Just one.
It takes a Marine honor guard to fold it.
It used to be a dust cover for a Hummer.
I could go on and on.
Gravies and lentilmen, I have an exciting announcement.
I have sold the rights to the Bart Simpson T-shirt line to the Disney Company, which will turn each one into a movie.
Really? How much money do I get? You get nothing.
In fact, thanks to my team of loopy lawyers I never have to give you another penny.
All you get is a very valuable lesson.
Never trust a weirdo.
I'm stuck on a nail! God, that's painful.
I can't feel my What's the matter, boy? Goose Gladwell ripped me off, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm just a stupid kid.
Son, when you grew up, I grew down, and now I can see you need your dad more than ever.
And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever.
Get back in the garage, old man.
But there's spiders in the boxes.
Stay out of my boxes! You give my son what he deserves, or I'll knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass.
I must warn you, sir.
I was a Green Beret in Vietnam.
The things I saw there are what made me crazy! Sir, this is a class two plutonium fission reactor.
If I turn this dial, the resulting blast would destroy the entire tri-city area, including that guy who sells those Blu-Blocker sunglasses people sometimes wear.
Damn him to hell.
You can't be serious.
Are you prepared to take that chance? Okay, okay, here's all the money I've got.
Not so fast.
I also want, um some dribble glasses, fake boobs, two of Bart's T-shirts, and that rapping toilet seat.
Yo, yo, yo, keep it on a low flow.
I'm hanging this over the mantel.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, I'm just glad we're back to me being the father and you being the son.
Are you sure that thing could really explode? Oh, I doubt it.
But we'll let the seagulls at the dump figure it out.
There's more than one way to lose a tooth.
Hey, idiot, you're fat, and your mom is naked on the Internet.
You also smell.
you've given me a lot to think about.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Midnight Rx
The Simpsons s16e06 Episode Script
Midnight Rx
What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? Dooughh! I can't believe Mr Burns reserved the entire museum.
Just for an office party doesn't seem fair to the regular visitors.
We drove on the plus side, this rope is mighty soft Touch it, kids! Party! Party! Party Homer, these are the people you work with Show some restraint! restraint! restraint! restraint! Lighten up, Marge! That is my chance to relax with people from work I never get to see Like this guy! I am your supervisor.
- Really? How am I doing? Well, well, if it is'nt my favorite employee, and his spouse! And these must be children! Have a gingerroot! Mr Burns acting nice That's odd.
.
He must be up to something.
Lise, Mr.
Burns is the sweetest kindest man I know.
How many man do you know? Basically, him and Dad.
Nice touch, Moe.
Yes, Thanks, I bought these for my funeral.
It ain't got no back, so don't make me turn around Hey, I'm payin for silk lining coffin, and damn it! I want to feel it.
Since the dawn of aviation, Man has built museums dedicated to the history of flight.
And created audiovisual materials to orient visitors to those museums.
from a handrawn flipbook at the wright brother's museum to the I-MAX movie at the Cape Canaveral.
Aviation museum av materials have taken aprils and dozens alike are now rocket ride to comprehension This is the story of those materials.
type in a Burns giant head.
It sounds like Burns! Hahaha! That's him do a Tee Here we have a vintage film of the original Springfield wingwalker Including our own Agnes Skinner Wow, a wooden plane! It was about time trees are good for to something.
Rather than just stand there like jerks! The Plywood Pelican was larger than a football field.
It weighs more than the State of New Hampshire.
It was only flown once, by its creator Mister C.
Montgomery Burns.
I flew it at an altitude of 6 feet, for a distance of 4 and a half feet Then we discovered that rain makes it catch fire Then the Führer fired me What a magical party this has been Mr Burns is a great man! I've got a bad feeling about all this.
Come on Marge, this place is great! Free admission, free grub, And we got to use the bathroom of the future.
Homer that was a power twelve! Greetings, wages junkies! Is everyone happy and content? Yea! - This is great! I would die for you.
Has your sense of outrage dulled? Filled it, super boss! Very well Effective immediately the employee prescription drug program Is terminated! What?!! - Why? in these days of raising health care cost bla bla bla, lip service, lip service Get out! This must be the nasty surprise he mentioned in the invitation.
This sucks! Get him! Fly, you fool! I try to explain to you sir This thing is never actually work Smithers,you must believe! Next stop, Paral Island Well, it was a pretty good party You think Carole from payroll and Mike from shipping will hooked up? He is married.
Change the course Carole must be warned! Now that Mr Burns has eliminated the drug plan we're gonna have to cut back on our diseases! I'll get a second job.
One that pays well.
You think those guys from "Friends" need another friend? This show has gone off the air! Damned it! I would have been perfect as Rachel's Irish cousin.
Soo you doin each other,are ya? But who's gonna put out for the old Seamus! I need a new job, that provide full healths benefit Uhuhm! As long as I only work 5 hrs a day no heavy lifting No light clerical, none of that secret santa crap tasteful nudity.
Aa, well, let me see what I've got.
You have defeated the Doom part that seal the portal Phobos is saved.
- Phobos? That's a good job for me.
Following the lead of Springfield nuclear power other local company has canceling their prescription drug plan Even here at Channel 6! Well kids! I want you to go to your parent's medicine cabinet And find all the pills labelled: Lithium dibromide.
And send them to me.
Now! Noone likes a bipolar clown! Hueehe he he he he! To cope with the crisis, many consumers has turning to alternative forms of treatment! I've had medicated Ralphie with stuff from the evidence locker Ha, ha! I'm coofer from contraband! Of course, these wouldn't be necessary if retail drug prices were reasonable Dr.
Julius Hibbert, do you agree? I can't give drug companies the break We have lots of hidden cost and they know how to treat a brother! Let me introduce you to the fine looking females of Pfizer! "I like big butts and I can not lie " "You other brothers can't deny" "when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist" "and a round thing in your face you get sprummed.
.
" Pfizer side effects includes dizziness and shortness of marriage Daamnn! Let me start out by saying it is always a pleasure t' sit down with a mother and a daughter who snoutpass a security and burst into my office I just don't see why one little pill should cost $30? Drugs are not so expensive on another countries you know that countries families also lie on the floor and eat bugs what countries are those? Have you ever been to Norway? No.
That they doin it in Norway and that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs I mean, aa.
The right amount.
I mean not enough.
.
Here, watch this video! The mighty amazon river The natives has a word for it then we got rid of the Indians and noone remembers that word But here's a word everyone remembers by Huey Lewis and The News.
"I want a new drug!" "When the woman is sick" when the woman crashed my car and made you feel feel feel feel i want a new job alright, here's your medication Wait a minute!this ain't no pill! it's a cork nut! i've got a bottle cap Mine flew away! Let me explain from behind this cage.
Your pills have become very expensive.
And noone get's a rat's ass about you, so after a lot of thougt we decided to let you go cold turkey For those who survive the night, will be having waffles tomorrow.
Woo, waffles! I didn't die in world war II just to be pushed around by some pill hoardin' hushy i'm gonna fight this thing He is crazy, but what do you wannado, he's young! Well the drug company won't do anything to help us I got the answer! Dad? Oh, thank God it's the right place I burst the first 4 homes before this one Now listen! All the drugs we want are across the border I have a friend who'll help us The border, eh? And I better sand-off my finger prints I could just wear gloves.
Naah, they are upstairs.
holla, senor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country Splendid! Welcome to Canada.
- D'oh! (Veterans of a single War) Ok, here are your free canadian health cards take them to any pharmacy and you'll be have enough drugs to make your Regina looked like Sheeshcatu.
.
that's a good one Johny! Thanks a million Johny! In appreciation I'd like to give you this DVD player What the heck! Where do you pour the syrup? I'd like some Vayax, commadine, epherol And a autoinflate blood pressure monitor c-cuff, with case.
.
Anything you like, fellow Canadian! Canadian? Them's fightin' words I mean, accurate words! ( "White Rabbit" - Jefferson Airplane) Anything to declare? I declare that you have the most beautiful brown eyes! Why, I do believe you're smuggling a heart as big as all outdoors! Now get in my country, you big lug! Did he had a passport? Yes to my heart.
Drugs! Various drugs! Be sure to read instructions! O, ow! Where do I put the instructions? Now, who's next? I got pills that make you sleep late, coagulate, illuminate, and copulate In that order! Grand Pa, we would like to thank you for all you have done for us Please accept this operation Dumbo drop souvenir jacket Look, they use the same D for the Dumbo and the Drop Unbelieveably only three who ever purchased Marge? Bart? Lisa? Aloha! Ooh this is just like Hawaii but you don't get beaten up if you leavin' the hotel What gives? We just wanted to thank you.
Because of the Xanax, i'm not over anxious about being a Simpsons anymore I'm a little anxious being on Xanax but the Zolox covers them nicely My Dad! The drug mule! ooh, man! I need something to settle my stomach Oh wait! I was supposed to take it with food Oh look, it's Mr.
Homer, my favorite customer! Please feel free port through my Playdudes, and and tell me to go back to some country I am not actually from Why all the sweet talk, Apu? Are you after some cheap drugs? Please let me come on one of your smuggling runs My 8 babies are driving me crazy! with their coughing, and sneezing and general oozing My janitor and drummies are afraid to come out! What does that mean? I do not even know.
That's the kind of bad jokes I'm makin I'm so tired! Help me out, Homer! Little Roddie needs his Insulin It breaks my heart to watch that Jones-diddily-onesy Flanders? I do not know.
I mean you haven't done me anything since you lend me that $5000 yesterday I don't claim to be the perfect neighbour If you let us come, I'd give you You do what you will No cameras? (Stuttering) No cameras.
Homer, tell Mr Ned to stop trying to convert me I was just tellin' him how brave he is to worshipping false god I do not worship one god, Ok? I worship a whole super team of dietys that.
.
aaaw! aww! Ok, he just pinched me! well, where's your super team now? Listen you two! I'll tell you who the true God is if, you both quiet for the rest of the trip.
alright, i'm comin back there.
.
give it! save me Shiva! Why did'nt you just callout for hawkman? Why you didn't you shut up? Well circle cut my bacon! Looky all this yankee doodi dandies! Is there another vietnam going on? well, hello neighbourino to the north! I sure like your jibberish! Say, would you like to pop on the reefereeno? It's legal here.
They warned me satan would be attractive! Let's go! Anyone wants some coffee for the ride back? It's not convenient store crap is it? Because I don't feed that to my dogs! No, no, it's home brewed.
Careful! It's hotter than a fox news weather skank! Here, let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off Stop him! he's expressing his faith, eh! Hold on! we're just innocent tourist! Walalalaa I took another sip! Today, mountees busted a major american drug smuggling ring Former US astronaut, Homer Simpson was taken into custody.
Oow, my butt looked so huge during the perp walks We have confiscated your car and its contents.
Nous avons confisqué votre voiture et son contenu.
You may leave Canada, but never returned.
Vous pouvez quitter le Canada, mais vous n'avez plus le droit de rentrer.
I am a big fat french idiot! Je suis un grand gros--hey! no more drugs.
we let everyone down.
Your jacket, senor.
Thank God, we did not stitch your name over the breast Dad, you tried your best.
For the first time in my life I can say without being drunk I truly admire you! No drinking in public! Hey, where did it go? oh, well! aah, there's nothing like canceling employee drug plan somewhat i feel sweet peace with the universe I agree, sir.
Shut up! I'm so sick of you, Smithers you're toiling, your complete inability your grasping on the floor, whaaa!!! Smithers, is this some sort of hyjinx? Stop it immediately! Sir, my thyroid is swelling up! Confound it, man! i need your throat clear and ready for purgery When you canceled the drug plan I could not afford me my viroksine anymore But before I died, Err the word I long to say.
.
Sir, I, Fear not, Smithers! I'll move heaven and earth to save you.
It's still easier than teaching my new assistant my filing system I just wish we could make one last big score.
.
But we could never bypass that border patrol There are other ways to get into Canada That's it, a plane! Smuggle drugs in a plane? That'll never work! Sure it will! All we need is a pilot.
I've got everything you need! Katherine Hepburn! No you fool! T's it I, Burns! Now come with me! at last! my plane should be used for its original purpose.
.
To subvert the laws of the United States! Looks like your plane pretty full, eh? Don't wanna overload it.
Phfuuh! Typical Canadian wimpyness! That's why you have the snowballs and we had the H-bomb.
We really appreciate your help, Johnny! Is there anyway we could repay you? Well, I've always wanted to see a man with the IQ of the child executed by the state, We dont' get that up here Really? In America, we do it 4 times a week! You come on down, I'll get us front row seats! I'd liked that! We're losing altituted.
Time to dump all unecessary weight! What? Do not dump me out! I can lose weight! Just give me a chance! aah, I'd rather die it's no use! we've got to make an emergency landing! Well, at least we all in this together! Now, we have 3 parachutes.
This one's for me.
.
and these two are gifts for my nephews.
Tally ho! Homer, are you sure you can make it? I'll make it dad! With a wing and a prayer! Damned it! Alright! You're under arrest! On what charged? Making a police chief go, daaaa! get in the car, and don't touch those guns! I just loaded them.
You'll have to arrest me too Abe Simpson brought the prepichere to keep grass on Willie's field! He cured my Limbago, thankyouuu! My diaper rash! My glavionoyvien, they're not so hurtful Thanks to his lactose intolerant pills I can drink this Krusty brand milkshake.
Terrible! Well Simpsons! You've helped a lot of people Soo, like it says on Springfield Police handbook.
.
If you can't beat 'em, join them! Chief, I've been checking the handbook.
.
a lot of things you said are not in there at all.
Yea, well look a little closer, Lou! I hope I'm not too late.
Take potion! Hurry! Hemm, it's not working.
Only my sour curdled breath will cook him in.
.
Sir, you saved my life! Yes Smithers, I was a stingy old fool but from now on, i will provide full benefits for all my full time employees Great news, Honey! Mr.
Burns made me a freelance consultant! Hey, what's this lub?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Mommie Beerest
The Simpsons s16e07 Episode Script
Mommie Beerest
Now, before we eat, let's remember what we're celebrating today-- after many years of hard work, your father finally paid off the mortgage.
See you in Hell, document.
All right, Dad.
- Way to build equity.
Now remember to eat smart, people.
Go for the fancy foods-- don't let 'em fill you up with that cheap stuff.
A roll, sir? - Screw you.
Oatmeal? Smoked salmon shrimp crab legs.
I win.
Thinner thinner too thin.
Better luck next time, "Tommy-- Virginia Beach.
" You ate meat.
You ate meat.
You ate fruit.
You ate fruit.
Stow it, you two.
Stop making a scene! How rude.
What do I have to do to enjoy a Sunday brunch with my secret other family? I've never been so embarrassed.
And the worst part is, this is brunch, so you've ruined two meals.
I'll see you all at lupper.
Why did I ever have kids? I could have written symphonies, or been Shakespeare.
Here, Homer.
Have a big, frosty mug of Fuhgetaboutit.
I wouldn't drink that.
From the looks of this place, it might kill you.
Oh, who are you, the health inspector? Yes.
My God, look at this filth.
I ought to close this dump down for good.
But then where would I go to get away from my wife? Come here, Moe, you beautiful, hideous troll.
Guys, this is Frankie from the Health Department.
We go way back.
Lenny, you don't have to hide that rat.
Off you go, little fella.
When we were kids, our dads used to get drunk and make us fight each other.
My pop would buy me a malted for every tooth of Moe's I knocked out.
That time you blinded me, he gave you a bike.
That sure was a good-soundin' bike Well, now to give this place a "thorough inspection.
" Free from infestation? Check.
Sanitary utensils? Check.
Food hygienically stored? Only one way to find out.
Oh my God, he's dead.
Okay, which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant? Uh, look, I didn't see nothin' here, okay? Just a bunch of innocent guys, sitting around, none of them dead.
Buy yourselves a nice dinner.
So, uh, Mr.
New Guy, what do you think? Is everything hunky-dory there? Mr.
Szyslak, your tavern is rife with Health Code violations.
You gotta be kidding me.
Like what? For starters, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor.
Uh, well, ya see, trash day ain't 'til Wednesday, so Chicken skins in soap dispenser cigarette butts in the air toilet on the roof I'm shutting you down till you fix these violations.
Oh, man, I can't afford to fix all that stuff.
Aw, nuts.
If anybody needs me, I'll be in the john.
Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling From glen to glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone and all the roses falling 'Tis you, 'tis you must go And I must bide.
Moe's, a tribute.
"M" is for Moe, the owner of Moe's.
"O" is for the "O" in the middle of Moe's.
"E" is for acceptance.
The feeling I always got here at Moe's.
Oh, Moe! Don't let them close you down.
It's too late.
I don't have the cash to clean up the bar.
From now on, you guys are just going to have to do your drinking across the street.
Hey, a beer's a beer.
I can't go to a gay bar-- I'm too fat.
Moe, I'm going to help you reopen your bar, no matter what it takes.
Mr.
Simpson, for a loan this big, you'll have to put up your house as collateral.
Put up my house? But I just paid it off.
What would Marge say? Do whatever you have to do to save Moe's.
I love my Homie.
Okay, honey, I'll do it.
What's going on here? Nothing.
Nothing.
Thanks, Homer.
No one's ever trusted me before-- except for that one guy who shouldn't have.
That was me.
Oh, yeah.
Homer, those kookoo-birds at the bank goofed up and sent us a mortgage statement.
Marge! How dare you open a letter addressed to both of us! M631700000642J? This is a new loan tracking number.
You got a new mortgage? I had to.
Or Moe's would stay closed forever.
You gave the money to Moe? How's he going to pay us back? Look, look.
I can see you're upset.
If you need me, I'll be at Moe's.
Well, maybe I'll go to Moe's, too, seeing as I'm now part owner.
Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's.
I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's? I would like it.
You never come to my mother's.
That's because I hate her.
Until you pay us back, you're answering to me.
And there's going to be big changes.
now wait just a minute.
One thing Moe Szyslak has never had is a partner.
Nor a wife, a friend, a chum, a casual acquaintance, a pen pal, a parrot, a meaningful conversation, a brief hug or eye contact.
I'm just going to call the suicide hotline now.
And they've blocked my number.
Oh, God! Just made it! Quittin' time! Boy, I can't wait to get my lips around an ice cold Marge? I'm here protecting our investment.
I'd like you to go home and make dinner for the kids.
But I don't wanna take care of the kids.
How many cigars are they allowed to have? Bart sleeps in the microwave, right? Quit playing dumb.
How many magic beans should I sell the baby for? Three? That's me, jerk-ass Homer.
Come on, go home.
Maybe some cheerier paint would make this place less of a dive.
Marge, my customers don't like themselves.
Therefore, they seek the darkness.
Well as fabulous as your regulars are, a remodel might bring in a higher class of lush.
Look, I like Moe's the way it is, all right? And I ain't changin' it for any dame, skirt, Susie-Q or face-macer.
I had a feeling you'd say that, so I prepared something that might help you change your tune.
This place is a diamond, but it's trapped in the rough Yeah, well, the sign still says "Moe's" So enough of your guff Here's my new idea to sell both beer and grub We will turn this filthy dive Into a proper old-time British pub A British whaaa? Darts and meat pies And lager in pint glasses What a classy way To get drunk off your asses Hey, hold the phone.
An English pub-- that just might work.
In song My bar could be British Instead of arm-pittish, so why don't we all Eh, screw it.
Let's get renovatin'.
Well, I was thinking more like drapes and a paint job, but your idea's good, too.
Thanks.
Pint of ale, my dear? Well thank you, Your Honor.
You know, you're kind of sexy.
That's a deliberate mis-statement of fact.
But I'll allow it.
My first credit card.
Wow, the numbers are all bumpy-like.
So, Mr.
Boswell, what do you think of the new Moe's? Marge Simpson and Moe Szyslak, here's a mash note to your bangers-- I wish you could live in me forever.
Thanks, uh, Freakazoid.
I'd just like to say that there's one person to whom I really owe my newfound success-- Marge Simpson.
Thanks, Moe.
Dad, Mom's spending more time at Moe's than you are.
And they seem awfully chummy.
Just what are you inferring? I'm not inferring anything.
You infer.
I imply.
Whew, that's a relief.
Boy, what a night! Moe showed me how to give someone the bum's rush.
Here, watch.
Get lost, rummy! Ah, yes, Detroit-style.
Very nice.
So, you've been at Moe's every night this week.
I know, I used to think of Moe as a scabby, dead-eyed hunchback, but now that I've gotten to know him, we kind of bonded.
Bonded?! How many times? Homer, Moe and I are just work friends.
You and I are marriage friends.
Thanks, honey.
My mind is completely at ease.
Hey, it's me.
Moe! What's up, partner? Marge, sorry to call you so late, but I had a great idea-- put cutesy signs outside the restrooms that say "dukes" and "dames" instead of the ones we have now that say "standups" and "sitdowns.
" Huh? Tell me honestly-- what do you think? Ooh, that's a great idea.
Thanks.
Wait, are you sure I'm not interruptin' anything? Of course not.
I'm in bed with Homer.
Also, I want to go with the green Well, I might as well use this pucker for something.
Coming this summer from Dreamworks Cards ! the game of their lives.
I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid.
You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you.
With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs.
You don't understand, Officer.
I thought that king was a queen.
This summer, the house is full, and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos! Oh, Marge, don't you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub? Hey, Marge! - Howdy, partner! Why don't you sit next to us? Hey, Moe.
How do you know about that? Oh, Marge told me.
We share everything.
You do? Don't worry.
They're just friends.
There's nothing physical between them.
Homer, can you hold my wedding ring for a second? My finger's itchy.
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna have to work on my marriage.
Or alternatively Something wrong, Homer? Well, I'm worried about Marge and Moe.
They've developed an intimate bond of thoughts and feelings completely separate from me.
But it's not physical.
So everything's great, right? Homer, it's time you learned the sad truth.
Can I learn it at a happy place? Moe and Marge are having an "emotional affair.
" Although there's no physical intimacy, there's a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage.
What do I do?! Engage her feelings, become a friend.
Ooh, get her a Life Magazine from the week she was born.
I'll always treasure mine.
You're absolutely right! Stop this ride! You're the boss! I want to go again, Daddy! Daddy? Marge, my darling! Thank God you're home! I've been dying to hear your feelings! Oh, I'm too tired to talk.
Well, I can go all night, baby.
I could listen to you two, maybe three times.
Homie, I'm tired.
I have to get up early to catch my flight.
Catch your flight? Moe and I are going to the Tavern and Restaurant Owners Convention in Aruba this weekend.
Don't you ever listen to me? I told you ten times.
Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold! What's a cuckold? Where's Mom going with Uncle Moe? He's only your emotional uncle! I'm your real uncle! Well, if Hollywood movies have taught us anything, it's that troubled relationships can be completely patched up by a mad dash to the airport.
I'm off! Folks, welcome to No Frills Airlines' flight to Aruba.
Safety instructions are two dollars.
If you require wheelchair assistance, you picked the wrong airline.
Uh, you know, Marge, I've really enjoyed you working at the bar.
Me, too, Moe.
What a nice surprise that we've become friends.
Yeah.
Oh, Marge, I'm so in love with you.
And tonight, after some surf 'n' turf and a bottle of champagne, maybe some Snickers pie, I'll explain how the hotel I'll explain how the hotel made a little "mistake" and we got to stay in the same room.
Moe, your upper lip is trembling.
Oh, I'm just excited because they're showing an episode of Boy Meets World on this flight.
Oh no, wait.
That's only on flights from Europe.
We just get that little plane.
Hey, wait a minute.
What the hell is that? Hang on, Marge! Homie's coming! I won't let that man make you happy! Simpson, you were going a hundred in a 25 zone, and you're not gonna flirt your way outta this one.
But I have to get to the airport to save my marriage! Really? Well, why didn't you say so? Let's roll! You didn't work this hard to save my marriage.
Again with that.
Wake up, Lou.
She was way out of your league.
Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
Time for some shuba-duba in Aruba.
Oh, my God! Moe, did you see something troubling on the tarmac? No.
Why do you say that? You got to get me closer, Chief! Anything for love! Okay, time to chase this pig into the sty.
Uh, Marge, you deserve a man who listens to you, who respects you, who understands what a treasure you really are.
I don't know what to say.
Just say you love me, Marge.
Love me like I love you.
Please? Marge! That sounds like Homer.
No it isn't.
I don't hear nothin'.
You're crazy.
Get outta here.
Will you marry me? Homer! How'd you get in here? Toilet hole.
You leave my wife alone! - You don't deserve her! You know nothing about Marge.
What's her favorite food? Ice? Wrong! It's buttered noodles.
He's right.
Oh, it's true.
I don't know Marge at all.
I'll just go home now.
Shut it! Shut it! Moe, you've won.
I'll see you at baggage claim.
Hot damn, I won! Marge, I swear I'll be the best man you ever had.
It's gonna be all flowers and back rubs and "How was your day, dear?" and Moe! No, I don't love you.
And I'm certainly not going to leave my husband.
You mean I listened to all your touchy-feely yip-yap for nothing? I'm afraid so.
At least I had a couple of sips from your Coke when you went to the bathroom.
Homie Marge, I just want to say, if you ever feel like cheating on Moe, here's my card.
Homer, I made a vow on our wedding day to stay by you, for better or worse.
And besides, I love you.
You're my Homie-womie- romie-domie.
And you're my Margie-wargie-bargie fargie-gargie-margie-targie-largie.
I may have dodged a bullet here.
Might as well face it, I'll never find anyone.
Come on tide, take me with ya.
I just don't want to feel no more pain.
Moe, I need to tell you something.
You showed me you could be a really sweet guy.
You can make a woman very happy someday.
For realsies? It's true.
You'd be quite a catch if you'd just shower and shave and stop swearing under your breath.
Aw, thanks, Marge.
Know-it-all bitch.
Oh, uh, did I mention there was a mistake at the front desk? Really? Is it one that will change the sleeping arrangements? Could be.
Could be.
Listen, I got to tell you, I chew in my sleep.
Yeah, well, I sweat blood.
Good night, both of you.
Who's watching the kids? Are you sure Mom and Dad want us to enter a European balloon race? Sure.
Why not? Love, Love will keep us together Think of me, babe, whenever Some sweet-talking guy in a thong Hands you a bong Don't take a hit You just got to be strong - You better stop 'Cause I want a sandwich - I said stop Or maybe a Manwich Captioned by
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass
The Simpsons s16e08 Episode Script
Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass
I used to love Springfield Park, but it's gotten so run down.
Oh, the prid is gone.
This whole place is disgusting.
I agree.
Aren't you that crazy Cat Lady? Yes, I am.
But thanks to this psychoactive medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
Those are just Reese's Pieces.
I know how to save this park.
I'm gonna organize a charity carnival.
Uh, Mom? Looks like someone beat you to it.
God, that Junior League burns me up.
Step right up, and bid on items donated by local businesses.
Oh, I've only got a hundred dollars.
I better bid shrewdly.
First up is this video camera.
One hundred dollars! $100 and 50 cents! Sold! - Damn it! I never win anything.
Ooh, here's something I'm good at.
Yes! Check it out, Fat-wad! I'm better than you, and I'm only ten.
Fat-wad! I love it! Easy gentle Ay carumba! I'm number one! I beat my son! Victory is mine, so kiss my behind! In your face! My son flips frogs like a girl! Yeah! A-boo, a-bah, a-who's your daddy? Homer, do fries come with that shake? - Sure do.
I'm happy! He makes me look cool.
And cool I am not.
May I upload your footage onto my Web site? Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met.
My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.
Well, I'll just call you friend.
Here's your tape friend.
What should we click on next? Boxer shot by wife.
Beauty pageant diarrhea.
Here's a new one : Big-ass Baryshnikov.
Now to send this spaz around the world.
Stupid Internet whole world laughing at me Look at the American computer monkey! Dance-a, monkey, dance! Basta, basta.
Take-a my picture with the Internet marmaluke-a! The Internet wasn't created for mockery.
It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets.
It was.
Hello, I'm Deion Overstreet.
The running back for the San Antonio Cow Skulls?! Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP and star of a Disney Channel movie.
I played the gentle giant, "Stay-off-drugs-ia.
" I know why you're here.
You wanna see me humiliate myself with my stupid dance.
Well, fine.
Wrong! Sidestep, sidestep, shuffle I wanna buy the rights to that dance for $1,000.
Woo-hoo! But why? My workman-like touchdowns never make the highlight reel.
But if I add your shameless shenanigans, I'll be on ESPN every night.
You wanna do my dance after you score? You damn straight, and I'll buy any other dances you've got, too.
"L" is for "loser" Which describes you, sir Don't try to stop me Just enjoy the view, sir.
"The view, sir.
" Then show ass.
Got it.
Honey, I bet you're wondering why Daddy's not at work again.
The answer may surprise you.
I have a new job choreographing end zone dances for a professional football player.
Looks like all you're teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship.
Don't forget showboating.
That's the cornerstone of my "Pyramid of Success.
" Ooh, I forgot crotch grabbing.
That'll be the sun.
Grandpa, will you take me fishin'? Sorry, Jimmy, your Grandma and I are going to go have old-people sex.
Thank you, Jammitin! Oh, there's nothing but filth on TV.
But with this new video camera, we can make our own entertainment.
Now boys, we're gonna film the world's first and, some would say, best murder mystery-- the story of Cain and Abel.
Daddy, if Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve's only children, how did they make more babies? Did they make babies with their mother? Or with each other? Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy.
Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother! After you prance across the goal line, you hurl the other team's mascot to the ground and drive your cleats into his neck.
You're going down, you potato-eatin' pansy! Homer, are you sure we aren't crossing a line here? I happen to know that the person inside that leprechaun suit is a single mother.
Deion, this is Timmy Thomas.
He has Timmy Thomas disease.
Mr.
Overstweet, could you do an obnoxious end zone dance for me today? Pweeease? How you like me now? Yello.
Homer, this is LeBron James.
The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancing.
I think I can fit you in.
Let's see Lenny, can I move you from Wednesday at noon to Sunday at 6:00? Homer, you know that's when I play with neighborhood dogs.
All right, all right, I'll work it out.
Aw, you guys are what it's all about.
Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a He-without- cineplex.
What the Oh, I get it.
Boys, I just talked to God.
He's vacuuming Heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up, and He'd like you both to render a sacrifice.
I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.
Behold, I have found favor with the Lord.
So shall my knife find favor with thy belly! Now I must bury my son, while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face.
Ned, your film was a masterpiece.
It turned me from an atheist to a hurray-theist! Sir, you have revealed to me a world of faith, beyond the world of science.
I would pay to see it again and again and again and again, but not six times.
I also would pay to see it again.
- Me, too.
Here's some guy's wallet.
- I am that guy! Smithers, we could make a fortune with these Bible pictures.
And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine.
Everyone seemed so happy, but I'm surprised at Ned.
He left out all the good times Cain and Abel had when they were growing up.
He's just being true to the Bible, which is pretty violent.
And sexy ! King David stole someone else's wife, Mary Magdalene was a hooker - Bart ! How do you know these things? It's all in this book.
Welcome to the Homer Simpson Showboating Academy.
Today we're working on poor sportsmanship.
First, I want you to hurl a ball at the nearest authority figure.
Nicely done.
Oh, my God! It's my hero, Michelle Kwan! You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.
I didn't know you could talk! Lisa, could you pass the salad? And it's James with the steal! Who wants to help me clear the table? I'm sorry, but I do not understand English.
Wait a second.
I've read that you speak excellent English.
Shut up, kid.
I got a good thing going here.
Oh, my.
Ned's next movie seems even bloodier than the last one.
Now, there's no need to actually whip him.
We can put the sound in later.
No! As your financial backer, I insist upon reality.
Pharaoh didn't put the sound in later.
But who'd know the difference? The people being whipped! Hey, Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders-- you know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle.
Oh, I already do, if by "razzle" you mean "piety" and by "dazzle" you mean "Scriptural accuracy.
" What a tool.
I'm richer than you! Look out, Jonah! It's a whale! The only just solution is to cut the baby in half.
Wait a minute.
I killed a baby.
I'm a monster! I can't take any more! Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.
I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd.
Well, I don't like this movie, and I'm going to boycott your financier, Mr.
Burns.
Oh, really? And what will you use instead of nuclear power? Solar.
- Hydroelectric.
A mix of conservation and wind.
Who told you about those? A talking tree in a commercial.
Well, I know when I've been licked.
Sorry, Ned.
This movie will never be seen again.
Dis-embroider the crew jackets.
We can still send them back.
Welcome to Jock Center! Tonight, the Clipper and the Stripper, a Jones that's Chipper, and did Joe Torre shoot Flipper? But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
This is either about me or steroids.
Thanks to professional jerk-ass Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel.
Disgusting Now, here's our highlight reel! Art comes from pain.
Your pain.
Beware the wrath of Kwan! Everyone sucks but me.
Oh, yeah, cheer for Tom.
Give all your love to Tom.
I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.
Master, you are truly a fool.
Homer Simpson, we work for the Commissioner of Football, and he wants to see you.
I want to see him, too.
Maybe he can tell me how to get this off.
It soaked through to the other side.
The commissioner's in here with all the owners.
Homer, we think you're fabulous.
Since the players began your rowdy rump-shaking, our ratings are up 62%.
Plus, we're making millions in player fines, which I'm going to use to bankroll a musical about The J.
Geils Band! That's right, J.
Geils! Here's why we called you in: we want you to produce this year's Super Bowl halftime show.
Wow.
At last, my pathetic little life has a meaning.
You suckers! I would've done it for free! Fine, do it for free.
- Damn it! Well, I'll still do it.
Suckers.
I would've paid you.
- Fine, pay us ! Oh, damn it! Will you take a check? No! - Damn it! The Super Bowl halftime show.
From its humble origins in Super Bowl I to the marriage of PacMan and Ms.
PacMan in Super Bowl XVI I now pronounce you PacMan and wife.
Oh, every single Super Bowl halftime show has been great Oh, Homie, don't worry.
I'm sure you'll come up with a great idea.
I don't know.
It's a lot of pressure.
Do many people watch the Super Bowl? - Billions! We're ready for rehearsal, Mr.
Simpson.
So, what do we do? Oh, man, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I wonder if other Super Bowl producers waited till 3:00 in the morning the night before to plan their halftime shows.
A church! Maybe the homeless people sleeping on the floor will have some ideas.
Flanders? Well, I guess you've got some late night problems, too.
Yeah.
I made a great film, but I'm having trouble getting it out there.
I'm like Michael Moore, except I'm skinny, my jeans are washed, and God loves me.
I just wish I could find some way to spread my message.
Have you tried checking the oil filter? Are you even listening to me?! Sure, I'd be happy to tell you my problem.
I've got a venue the whole world will be watching, and nothing to fill it with.
Wait a minute.
You've got a medium, and I've got a message.
Maybe God brought us together for a reason.
Yeah.
You help me, and I, in turn, am helped by you.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the start of Super Bowl XXXIX! This brand-new $300 million stadium was completed just one short week ago, and it's scheduled for demolition early next month.
America's priorities are a joke.
Now, here's the kickoff! Wow, all these people are going to see Dad's show.
Oh, I paid a thousand dollars for this seat, and I can't even see the game! Just poke through.
And that's the gun.
We head into halftime with the thrilling score of 55 to 6.
But don't stop watching.
In the second half, points count double.
And now the eagerly awaited Super Bowl halftime show sponsored by the new Ford pickups, Citibank and Moe's Tavern.
How could you afford this? I hustled a lot of pool.
Uh, hey, you want to play? I got to warn you, I ain't that good.
All right Sucker.
Who's the sucker now, huh? Time for Homer's halftime show.
Get ready, Frank.
Frank went to the men's room.
I'm Joe.
We now take you back through the ages to a time before TV, before cowboys, before dinosaurs: the time of the Bible.
The children of God once lived according to their Father's laws, but then a shadow of wickedness fell across the land, as represented by this cloud of white pesticide.
But there was one righteous man: Noah.
O, mighty God, send a flood to destroy this wickedness! Hey, do you guys think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot, and he stared right through me.
I left the People's Republic for this? Yo, Michelle, you got a boyfriend? Not in here, I don't.
After 40 days and 40 nights, the rains stopped, and Noah sent forth a single dove "So God blessed Noah and his sons and said to them, 'Never again shall there be a flood to destroy the Earth.
'I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between God and man.
'" Thank you.
All over America today, viewers were outraged by the Super Bowl halftime show's blatant display of religion and decency.
You try to raise your kids as secular humanists, but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats! Mommy, why wasn't I baptized? You see? You see? I thought America was hungry for meaning.
I should've just sent a crocodile into space like I originally planned.
Homie, I think you did great, and to celebrate, I made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house.
Dig in, everybody.
Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life.
Really? Didn't you just sign a $90 million contract? That was a good day, too.
Welcome to the Homer Simpson Showboating Academy.
Today, we're working on poor sportsmanship.
But I like to stand for good sportsmanship.
Quiet, you.
- Yes, sir.
Captioned by access.
wgbh.
org by Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Pranksta Rap
The Simpsons s16e09 Episode Script
Pranksta Rap
And with time running out, the Seminoles are on the warpath.
Go, Seminoles! Cover the point spread.
Here's the play that will determine the game.
Stay tuned for Sitcom Sunday.
Where's the remote? This is not a drill, people.
Hmm, the TV changes channels every time the dog barks.
We return to Mel Gibson's The Salad of the Christ on Christian Carrot Theater.
I think he swallowed the remote.
Barf for your master.
Lousy American-made dog.
Why must I be so voluptuous? Ooh, time to make you pretty.
How do I look? Yo, yo, yo.
Here now the nizzews.
The top artists in hip-hop are coming to Springfield.
This all-star concert, dubbed "Murder 4 Life," features Da Glock Pointaz, Romeo Smoov, Queen Booty Shaykah, M.
C.
Champagne Millionaire, and Assault Weapons magazine's Man of the Year, Alcatraaaz.
Alcatraaaz is wide spread.
I'm talkin' da junk.
Just what we need-- another lame suburban kid who loves rap.
So? You like the blues.
Yes, but the blues are unpopular.
Man, are you illin'.
Rappers stopped saying "illin'" 12 years ago.
I'm keepin' it real.
They stopped saying "keepin' it real" three years ago.
Mom, Lisa's dissin' me.
- "Dissin'"? Do rappers still say that? Dad, can I go to a rap concert? Tickets are $50.
Go to hell.
Okay, what if I pay for it myself? Fine, go nuts.
I love you, Dad.
- I love you too, Jerry.
Baggy britches? Loose-laced gym shoes? Are you going to a rap performance? Hell, yeah.
I'm representin' at "Murder 4 Life," know what I'm sayin'? All too well.
Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin.
It encourages punching, boastfulness, and rudeness to hos.
Step off, Mom.
Rap is the poetry of the streets.
Well, you are not going to any concert that promulgates stink talk.
But Dad already said I could go.
Oh, did he? Homer, you tell your son a rap show is not a safe place for a ten-year-old.
Son, your mother makes a very loud point.
But you said I could go if I paid for the ticket.
Boy, let me explain the situation in terms you'll understand.
You did it on the straight Got your dad's permission But your mom dropped a bomb So I flipped my position Don't argue with Marge, I know what's best The only rap in this crib keeps sandwiches fresh Fresh, fr-fresh for Mommy's baby boy Baby boy, baby boy Ba-ba-ba-baby boy.
Dad, you completely sold me out.
Well, I paid for this ticket.
That makes me an adult.
I'm going.
I love you, Krusty-wusty.
Every miner '49er and stone-cold conniver Stakes a claim on my tongue to pan my saliva Make the hos drop they clothes like they Lady Godiva.
Yo, cuz, put down my mike 'less you know how to use it This is old school not preschool So don't Dr.
Seuss it.
Don't critique my technique I'm no geek, I make the principal nervous My friends can confirm this I'll bust a spitwad in your epidermis Oh, no he didn't.
You can trace my remorse to its supersized source A hungry, hungry hypocrite named Homer, of course My old man's pathetic Damn, is his head thick The gas from his ass is carcinogenic Every day I pray his DNA ain't genetic.
Damn, this ride is pimped-out.
Yo, downstairs I got a wax museum of famous movie monsters.
Check it out if you want to get your fright on.
Jeepers, it's 50 Cent.
Yo, B, I heard you throw down on stage.
Wanna join my world tour? Sorry, Fiddy.
I have school tomorrow.
You're right-- the more you know, the further you'll go.
And that's one to grow on.
Does that count as community service? No.
- A'ight, take me to the park.
We'll pick up some dog poo.
- Yes, sir.
Here you go, you little yellow cracker.
Now let's go murder our enemies.
Peace.
Bart's gone.
I checked everywhere.
That little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip-hop festival.
If that's true, he's gonna be like NWA-- Not Without Ass-welts.
Well, time to face my punishment like a man.
Or lie my way out of it like a kid.
A flying rock.
Call a geologist.
"We have kidnapped your son.
Follow instructions, and Bart will not be harmed.
" "Follow instructions"? He's doomed.
This'll be the worst Thanksgiving dinner ever.
Thanksgiving's not for months.
The bad news keeps on coming.
Tragedy climbed a ladder last night As 10 year old Bart Simpson was snatch from his bed.
His chocolate-milk dreams cut short by kidnapping themes.
Mrs Simpson, is the pain so unbearable you wish your son had never been born? What a horrible thing to say to a mother! Perhaps reading this message aloud will comfort you It's : "win a hawaÃ¯an getaway week on channel 6.
" So, mail in those pineapple stickers today.
Aloha means "one entry per person.
" I will find Bart Simpson.
Clancy Wiggum is on the case.
Chief, seriously.
Shouldn't we just plan for the funeral? Hey, I crack cases all the time.
Like the case of the symphony conductor who murdered his star cellist.
That was an episode of Columbo, Chief.
They show you who the bad guy is at the beginning of each one.
Yeah, but you have to remember.
This is no fun without Bart.
He used to watch me while I did this.
I still do.
Bart.
Are the kidnappers after you? Well, some kidnappers might be after me.
It's a big world.
But in this case, I faked the whole thing.
Why, are you mad at me? No, it's not about you.
Ah, it's never about me.
Look, I need a place to hide out till the heat is off.
In my dad's apartment, the heat is always off.
He made a coat out of all my stuffed animals.
You can hide out in my room.
My dad won't know 'cause he's at work.
Shoo.
Get out of here.
These aren't your soybeans.
Wigum sleeps through riot Top cop surrenders to backfiring car Firemen rescue police chief from tree Commission : Wiggum sucks Wow, I should have read these headlines a long time ago.
Together, they really paint a picture of failure.
And now my only friend is the bottle.
Rise and shine, Chief Wiggum.
This pity party is over.
Wha officer down huh? Barney Fife.
Y-E-S spells you got it, buster.
And I'm here to tell you the feelings you're having are common for every brother of the badge.
My fat grew over my badge.
Aw, sour mash.
It's time for you to roll up your sleeves and get the old crime sniffer out on the street.
You're right.
I've gotta buckle down and do some police work.
Now that's the can-do attitude that puts dudes in the can.
Well, I'm wanted back on the set.
Set? Are you the character or the actor who plays him? Now I must go Wait a minute, now you're a ghost? Avenge me.
Hello? This is the kidnapper.
Do what I say and Bart won't get hurt.
Oh, yeah? Send a finger wrapped in today's paper to prove you have him.
Homer! I know what I'm doing.
You can use any section of the paper.
Except Metro.
It's a big snooze.
Please give me back my boy.
I just want to tell him I love him one more time.
Mom, it's me.
Don't cry, I'm okay.
The kidnappers say if you worry too much they'll kill me.
Uh, no, no, I mean Okay, you made your point.
Gotta go.
All right, boys.
Let's get this tape back to the lab for analysis.
We have a lab? Yeah, it's that room we keep the Christmas decorations in.
No, no, I mean What is that noise in the background? Maybe I can isolate it.
I know I've heard that noise before.
Think, Clancy, think.
Hail falling on a tin roof? No.
That's it! Stovetop popcorn.
And it sounds like my favorite brand Chintzy-Pop! Eddie, Lou we're going to the Kwik-E-Mart.
You already sent us there twice today.
Nah, that was for snacks.
This timeit's not personal.
I need the name of everyone who buys Chintzy-Pop popcorn.
Oh, Chintzy-Pop is the worst legal popcorn.
Many of the kernels are baby teeth.
There are only two idiots cheap enough to buy this crap.
You and Oh, baby, is there anything better than video poker and Chintzy-Pop? I'm looking at an inside straight.
Some day I'll hear the winning music.
Some day.
Drop the corn, tightey-whitey! What? I didn't do anything.
We'll let a judge be the judge of that.
Yo, Chief, we found the kid! For once I did everything right.
What's going on? I didn't know he was here.
I swear! Is Milhouse's Dad gonna be in trouble? He's not really a bad guy.
There's no need for you to defend your captor, Bratty Hearst.
We're putting you in a dirty little cell.
Not as small and dirty as this apartment, but you know, it's still pretty bad.
Bart, I'm so glad you're okay.
Taking your tombstone back to the store will be the happiest thing I've ever done.
Caramba! Wiggum Recue Boy No, Really Chief, we're sorry we didn't have faith in you.
And I'm sorry I wrote those letters-to-the-editor calling for your ouster.
You're "Worried In West Springfield?" Not any more, Chief.
Not any more.
Keep those rose petals coming.
I almost stepped on regular ground back there.
Bart, two, three, four! You put my Dad in jail, flip, spin, twirl! Milhouse, if you tell anyone, I'll tell the world you wet your pants watching Harry Potter.
I wasn't scared, I was just peeing.
Look, if you tell what I did, I'll get in trouble.
You gotta do something.
I want my Dad back! You've got the perfect build for a suit: Boys, even though I've been made Police Commissioner, don't think I've forgotten you.
Lou, you're promoted to Chief of Police.
Sweet.
Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.
Nice.
Who's gonna be Eddie? We don't need an Eddie.
Commissioner Wiggum, I need to confess something.
Is it that you're proud of me? I lied about being kidnapped.
The whole thing was a hoax.
A hoax? A hoax?! Bart, please, you can't take this away from me.
How would I explain it to Ralphie? That kid can't understand where the world goes when you close the drapes.
But what about Milhouse's Dad? This is the best thing that ever happened to that loser.
Women love famous felons.
Kirk, you are so dangerous and misunderstood! You've kidnapped my heart! I love the way I've heard of you! So Bart, as you can see, from what I just said, everyone is a winner here.
A shirt from that rap concert.
Bart must've gone to the show.
But that means Bart was never kidnapped! Lisa, I'm very glad you brought me this.
I'll see that it gets to the proper authorities.
Dad!? Why did you do that? Hollywood producers have paid me a fortune, which I've already lost, for the rights to Bart's story.
So I have to destroy anything that proves that story's not true.
Why did you burn up your shirt? What shirt? I don't see any shirt.
Burn, truth, burn.
Burn, truth, burn.
So you see, Principal Skinner, that's why I had to come to you.
Wait, why did your father burn his pants? It doesn't matter.
The point is, only with your help can I expose Bart's lies.
A chance to bring down Bart Simpson? Our school's second most-wanted criminal after the mysterious El Barto? Sign me up! Boys, let me tell ya.
Now that I'm commissioner, the shaves are hotter, the steaks are thicker and I've got my own private bathroom, so Lou here won't be using my sonic toothbrush on his rotten choppers Uh, listen, Commissioner.
Lisa Simpson came by the office today, asking questions about her brother's kidnapping.
Questions? Yes, as if she were trying to unravel a tapestry of deceit.
All right, people, we got a situation here.
Your daughter's gonna blow our whole deal sky high You leave Maggie to me.
No, Lisa.
Not her! She'll hunt us down relentlessly like a bloodhound mixed with a student loan officer.
Hey, I't leave this place! I get three square meals a day and trailer time with Springfield's craziest chicks.
Hey, I got the most to lose here.
I just printed up How am I going to pass all these out before she catches me? Give me a call sometime! Give me a call sometime! Here comes the panic! People, please.
The only way Lisa can bust me is if she finds someone who can prove I was at that rap show.
And I know just where she can find that someone.
Let's go cover our asses! Wait, before we go, I took the liberty of making these embroidered conspiracy jackets for all of us.
Those jackets are beautiful.
We must never wear them.
Mr.
Alcatraaaz, my name is Lisa Simpson and this is Principal Skinner.
Hi.
Would you mind showing us video footage of your last concert? No problem.
I've got a 200-inch plasma TV.
In my shoe closet.
I'm sharing a laugh with my new friends.
Homer is a fat load Homer is a fat load This proves Bart lied about being kidnapped.
Not yet.
Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show? If only we had the exact date.
Bingo! Thank you, Mr.
Alcatraaaz.
Ain't nothin'.
"It is nothing.
" It's idiomatic, biatch.
All right, hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt.
This is hopeless.
My gun isn't even loaded.
Nuts! They're gonna release that tape and our hoax will be exposed.
I guess I'll go back to Baltimore and sell ribbon with my Daddy.
Ribbon! Get your ribbon! Great for presents! Why do we have to come clean? Nobody's been hurt.
Everyone's happier with the lie.
The lie is love.
Wait just a minute.
Love the Lie! The way I was raised, by Mom, I learned the truth can't be swept under the rug.
That's a very noble sentiment, Lisa.
But for once in your life, can't you just be cool? Yeah, be cool.
Like us.
Coolee, coolee cool! C'mon, fool! Be coolee, coolee cool! Yo, put away your Glocks, man.
Yes, share with us the wisdom of the street, oh, mighty Alcatraaaz.
There are times in life when the truth ain't black nor white, but a subtler shade of gray, yo.
And when the path of justice is obscured by the fog of uncertainty, there is only one solution.
House party! I don't understand.
After all the corruption and deceit we've witnessed, how can everyone just party? Lisa, the world is a very complicated place When you get right down to it cannonball! Do you think there's a place in the hip-hop world for a administrator? Hell yes.
But I'm already payin' a guy for that.
Skinner! I order you to step off, Dog! I think they're making fun of me, but my wife is very sick.
Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  There's Something About Marrying
The Simpsons s16e10 Episode Script
There's Something About Marrying
Some sucker will think he's getting beer, but he's really gonna get a face full of melon! Seedless melon! Don't ruin the moment.
Oh, boy, free beer! Oh, man.
Easy, Barney.
Easy.
Remember the 12 steps.
Nice try, boys.
Now, as the roadrunner said to the coyote, "meep meep"! Oh everyone in town is wise to us.
We need someone new we can prank.
Sweet.
Fresh meat.
Meat's not sweet.
It's savory.
Hey, bean sprouts.
The name's Howell Huser.
I travel the country gawkin' and talkin', and I was hopin' to take in your town.
We can show you around if you don't mind a heapin' helpin' of local color.
Why my favorite color is local.
Ooh! Watermelon.
Want to plant the seeds? It's seedless.
Radioactivity? That means it's a place where we do radio activities.
I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity.
You know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them.
Well, Howdy, little feller.
I can't wait till this is over! I was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now? Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood.
It always has in the past.
Finger pain? I thought I had gum comin'! That tears it! I've been smilin' for Shame on you, and shame on you.
And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us.
My self-esteem sure didn't need that! Loser! Get out, shamey.
I don't think we'll be hearing from him again.
So, Kitchen Wizard, I understand you have a book coming out.
Yes, it's about Winston Churchill's life between the wars.
Up next on the soft news network, let's hear from our own wide-eyed wanderer Howell Huser.
I've ambled and rambled across this country, and never found a town I didn't like till now, and the name of that town, is Springfield.
I was attacked, humiliated, and fed misleading gum.
I give Springfield the lowest rating I've ever given a city-- a six out of ten.
I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.
Who needs tourists? They never buy my maps to stars' homes, anyway.
Have you read them all? Okay, good.
We need to bring tourism back to Springfield.
As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.
Stronger beer! Gladiator fights! Poetry slam! Giant rats! I have a real suggestion.
Why don't we legalize same-sex marriage? We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market and strike a blow for civil rights.
Yeah, them gay guys got lots of disposable income.
I can serve fancy drinks and charge ten bucks a pop.
What's in a martini? Gin and vermouth.
And that makes a what? A martini.
Never heard of it, but I'm still in favor of that same-sex marriage deal.
Then it's settled.
We'll legalize gay money-- I mean, uh, gay marriage.
I propose we also legalize gay funerals-- starting with this guy.
I'm not gay.
I'm nothing yet! Okay, now let's say I put a lean cuisine in a blender and I pour some beer on it.
What do you call that? A lean cuisini? Wrong.
When my man and I shop for wedding downs We were mocked and shunned and pushed around but yesterday, we found a place to be gay I'm going to marry my Harry in Springfield town Gay-o, it's okay-o.
Tie the knot and spend all your dough gay-o, come stay-o visit our web site for further info.
Springfield-- a place where everyone can marry.
Even dudes.
We're just off route 202.
Do not take the Jefferson avenue exit.
For god's sake, do not take that exit.
while I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same sex anymore than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun.
Now, go back to working behind the scenes in every facet of entertainment! Excuse me, reverend.
As long as two people love each other, I don't think god cares whether they both have the same hoo-hoo or ha-ha.
The bible forbids same-sex relations.
Which book? Which book? The bible! But, reverend scriptural scholars disagree on the significance Lovejoy's an idiot.
His church is giving up hot gobs of gay green.
He could get 200 bucks a couple.
Hey, I got to get in on this! These people have rights! The right to buy me a 62-inch tv! Now begins the long and spiritual journey to becoming an ordained minister.
" Name.
" Ho-mer Simp-son.
You are now an ordained minister.
Now to answer all the pop-ups.
Ooh, a talking moose wants my credit card number.
That's only fair.
And you, Julio, take thad to be your lawful wedded life partner, in Massachusetts and Vermont, maybe Canada-- Stay out of Texas-- as long as you both are gay? I do.
It brings me great joy to unite two such loving people.
Photo mouse pads for sale out back.
Okay, what's next, Adam and Steve or Madam and Eve? Homie, you married every gay couple in town.
Eh, what can I say? I love love.
Well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn.
Hmm, where's Lenny and Carl? Don't you push them! They've got to work that out for themselves.
Oh! But I'm only $200 short of $14,800! Well, what about people of the opposite sex who want to get married? Opposite? Yechh! I mean, a man and a woman.
Well, maybe marriage isn't just for gays.
What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl? Straight.
Ooh, look at me! I'm as straight as a one dollar bill.
Do you, Cletus, take Brandine to be wait a minute-- are you two brother and sister? We's all kinda things! A new epidemic is raging through Springfield, and this one didn't start with krustyburger's whatchamacarcass sandwich.
I'm talking about an outbreak of marriage fever.
Reverend Simpson Please, Kent, call me your Holiness.
I-I can't.
I just can't.
Homer, have we started down a slippery slope, where marriage becomes so meaningless that anyone could marry anything? Oh, Kent, not anything.
It has to exist.
Or does it? Well, call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage described in the bible if you love the bible so much, why don't you marry it? In fact, I now pronounce you and the bible man and wife.
And you're the wife! Hey, you owe me 200 bucks.
Homer, your impulsive marriages are gonna lead to a lot of divorces.
Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages, which will put more green in the blue.
The blue being my pants.
I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there.
If I may say a word? Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the clown.
Krusty? I want to clear up a misconception about the whatchamacarcass sandwich.
I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals.
Everyone does it.
Homie, I'm so proud of you.
You stood up for people's right to express love in its most perfect form, a binding legal contract.
Hey, saturated fats, i came to ask you a favor.
Let me get my belt sander.
Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.
Very funny.
I wasn't joking.
I'm getting married, and I need you to perform the ceremony.
You're getting married?! Patty, that's wonderful! So, tell, tell, who's the lucky man? What does he do? Let me guess.
Does he work in customer support? You can guess all night and never get it.
Her name's Veronica.
But Veronica's a girl's name.
Did you know that? I'm marrying a woman.
I'm I'm gay.
You're not disappointed, are you? Oh, no.
No, no.
No, I'm just surprised.
Yeah, big surprise.
Hey, Marge, here's another bomb: I like beer.
So Patty, you're a woman who likes women.
I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded.
Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage Patty than your sister Patty.
Next time it'll be your eye.
Marge, did you really think I was straight? Well, I guess I should have seen the signs.
Que sera, sera whatever will be will be the future's not ours to see que sera, sera what will be will be.
You could see it from space, Marge.
This isn't a problem for you, is it? Oh, no.
No, no.
Why would it be? I love you, I love gay marriage, so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't love your gay marriage, right? Now Patty, here's a veil I picked out just for you.
Smells like cheeseburgers.
Give it back! Why are we dressed as sunday best Simpsons for dinner with aunt Patty? Because she's bringing over someone very special.
Her fiancÃ©e.
Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying aunt Patty, but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes? Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard.
And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it.
You've reached FOX.
If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press one.
If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press two.
Please stay on the line.
Your half-baked ideas are all we've got.
Actually your aunt is marrying a very lucky woman.
I thought you said aunt Patty was just waiting for the right man.
As opposed to you, who grabbed the first blimp that floated by.
Correction.
The first blimp who got her pregnant.
Seriously dad, I'm worried.
You should go on a diet.
Why you little save my place.
This is my fiancÃ©e, Veronica.
It's a pleasure to meet you all.
So Veronica, what do you do? I'm a pro golfer.
No surprises there.
Aunt Patty, where did you two meet? Alternative book store? Ethiopian restaurant? It was so romantic-- like a scene from a Hollywood movie.
Yeah, Bride of the Monster.
I was at the LPGA ritz bitz celebrity pro-am.
Lady golfers? I thought we played this stupid game to get away from the women.
With the yak, yak, yak and the spend, spend, spend.
Am I right? Hey, clown.
Watch out for this lady driver.
Are you all right? Never better.
I'll bet that's how angels cough.
I've been wearing that three wood ever since.
Save something for your wedding night.
Oh, we're saving everything for our wedding night.
That's what mom would want.
I don't think it's exactly what mom would want.
Marge, are you sure you're okay with this? Of course.
Everyone should do whatever they want.
Take a bear to church.
Read a book with your feet.
Change your name to Gooble-Glop.
Oh, I get it.
You act all liberal, but you can't handle it when your sister finds love in her own locker room.
Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the ceremony.
If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral.
Which should be pretty soon.
Got him! What am I not invited to this time? Gay wedding.
But I can get you in.
You can? Is there an open bar? No, cash.
Well, I say this whole thing is against nature.
So, wanna do a jigsaw puzzle tonight? Selma, I'm getting married in an hour.
I know, I know.
I'm just having trouble getting used to the idea of being alone.
Don't lay that on me.
You got married three times.
Actually, four.
You see, last week Disco Stu just got an annulment from John Paul Two.
Boogie down! Selma, we'll always be there for each other.
I don't know about Marge, though.
If she doesn't show up today, I have no non-identical sister.
Oh Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon, as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so.
And please let thy holy spirit open the heart of my wife.
Amen.
I just can't believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married.
You handsome devil.
Someday they'll let you and me get married.
Can you imagine the children? I love you, Homer.
I love you, too, Homer The toilet seat's up.
But that wouldn't happen unless Yeah, dude looks like a lady dude looks like a lady She's a man.
Looks like Patty's gonna get something she didn't register for.
Queerly beloved, we're here to join Veronica and Patty in matrimony.
But the news isn't all good.
They've written their own vows.
Patty? Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate.
You are the perfect woman for me-- truthful, honest, hiding nothing.
At last I have found the yin to my yin.
If anyone knows a reason why these two should not be joined, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
No! I can't let this happen! I knew it! You think everyone in the world should have a big dumb man like you! People please, can we wrap this up? It's gonna rain and I gotta get the bikes in here.
Patty, it's not what you think.
Veronica is a man! Look at the size of that adam's apple! Veronica, how could you? Patty, I love you, but long before we met, I disguised myself as a woman and lied my way onto the LPGA tour.
I can see why you lied to other golfers, caddies, fans and officials, but how could you lie to me and the sponsors? Because you fell in love with me as a woman, and I didn't want to lose you.
But now I'm asking you, not as Veronica, but as the man I am-- Leslie Robin Swisher.
Patty, will you marry the real me? Hell no, I like girls! Marge, thank you for accepting me for who I am.
Well, I learned a lesson.
Just because you're a lesbian, it doesn't make you less of a bein'.
Patty, I admire your decision.
It takes courage to follow your heart and walk out on a non-refundable wedding ceremony.
So I'm gonna waive the rose petal removal fee and prorate the cake-handling surcharge.
Oh, thanks.
Well, that's the end of dad's wedding business.
Why? Hey, twisted sister, you still have that jigsaw puzzle? There never was a jigsaw puzzle.
I was trying to make you jealous.
Hey, wanna go to the airport and leave a bag unattended? It is a good way to meet security personnel.
Let's go.
Next.
Hurry, before she changes her mind.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister
The Simpsons s16e11 Episode Script
On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister
Happy 3:00 in the morning, everyone.
In a mere five hours, we'll be gazing at Springfield's most exciting glacier, Springfield Glacier.
I hope you're all wearing glacier-appropriate clothing.
Hey, check out my T-shirt.
It's wicked relevant.
It's part of my "Things Suck" line of clothing.
Yes, well, while I disagree with your T-shirt's assertion, I do encourage anything that raises glacier awareness.
Busward to adventure.
So, Lise, ready for your trip? - Sure am.
See ya next fall.
You make those same stupid jokes every field trip.
You work in the business as long as I have, you're bound to repeat yourself.
See ya next fall.
So, Edna, I wrote up some possible discussion topics for this trip.
Oh, here's one.
I'm still in love with you.
Discuss? Seymour, I've moved on.
Our romance is in the history books and there's nothing worth highlighting.
The Skin-man doesn't give up that easily.
These icy roads are getting pretty gnarly.
I'm not worried.
My indemnity waivers.
Stop the bus.
We'll just use the chains.
I feel like I'm in Fitzcarraldo.
That movie was flawed.
Behold, children, the majesty of Springfield Glacier.
Crane your necks skyward to behold its icy glory.
What happened to the glacier? It's nearly melted.
This must be due to global warming.
Young lady, the federal government's position on global warming is that it does not exist.
The glacier's doing just fine.
No, it isn't.
It's a lump of slush.
Look at it.
I have a little girl just like you at home.
That's where she stays-- at home.
Oh, I just love it here.
So many things, and so many things of each thing.
Welcome to Sprawl-Mart.
Can I get you a cart or a basket? Grandpa, you're a greet grater.
I mean a great greeter.
Now look who's senile.
I'll take a cart.
- All right.
Darn thing's stuck.
I'll just give it a good yank.
No mes.
Oh, Dad.
How I'll miss your cap, your walking stick, your plaster base.
I'm down here, you idiot.
Dad.
Where's your base? Don't worry about that.
Someone's gotta greet the customers.
Ah, they'll be fine.
No.
They're helpless without a greeting.
Look at 'em.
Make me proud.
Or at least less ashamed.
I'm gonna get a glacier postcard and send it to my nana.
She'll be like, "No way.
" Score.
I'm going to exchange this beach towel I bought at Sequoia National Park.
I learned too late that it implied tumescence.
Ah, premodern man.
If these wise warriors could speak, what would they tell us? They left a message right here.
Actually carved into the rock.
Nice work, Simpson.
Feel free to make a rubbing.
Welcome to Sprawl-Mart.
Pimple cream in aisle five.
Buenos nachos.
Ask about our "seÃ±or" discount.
Hey, Rabbi.
Jesus loves ya.
Just kidding.
Son, you are on fire.
A million times better than that worthless old coot you replaced.
That coot happens to be my father.
Please continue.
How would you like to be a full-time Sprawl-Mart greeter? Is there a chance for advancement? - No.
Whoo-hoo.
No pressure.
Evidence suggests that this Ice Age female was alone when she fell into a crevasse.
Dying alone, huh? Terrible fate to befall any woman-- Ice Age or modern day.
Seymour, I will now demonstrate how over you I am.
See that man? Take note of how he's not you.
Now watch.
So, is there a Mrs.
Park Ranger Johnson? No, ma'am.
I'm married to the glacier.
But, uh, it's an open marriage.
Then bring it, fool.
Oh, for goodness sake.
You've moved on, have you? Well, so have I.
Just play along.
Listen, people.
How can you stand there eating snacks and being children when the world's glaciers are vanishing? We have to do something about it.
Glaciers are nature's alarm clock, and it's time for us to wake up.
Can there be any doubt that the culprit is greenhouse gas produced by man? The only gas is coming from Lisa's butt.
People, please.
I'm talking about toxic vapors.
Emanations.
Miasmas.
Hey, whoever's doing that, get off the frequency.
We're combing the woods.
There's a killer loose out here.
Let him do it, Chief.
It lightens the mood.
Oh, my God.
That used to be a face.
Bart! Help.
I'm sinking in the lake.
You mean, you're walking on the glacier.
Whatever.
Check it out.
That frog has a nerd on its butt.
Bart, you are the meanest, nastiest little boy that ever lived.
Hey, there's a dog in the next car lookin' at me.
Hey, dog.
You don't even care how upset I am! But this time, you have gone too far.
What are you gonna do, tell Mom and Dad? They're powerless figureheads.
You'll see.
Oh, you will see.
Good morning, world.
Eat my shorts.
There'll be no shorts eaten today, young man.
Bart Simpson, this is a restraining order.
From now on, you must stay at least Restraining order? Bull spit.
No piece of paper keeps me from whaling on my sister.
So, you see what happens when you don't obey your restraining order? Yes, Chief Wiggum.
And Snake, do you see what happens when you kidnap the president? Oh, yes, Chief Wiggum.
And Lou, do you see what happens when my coffee comes back cold? Chief, you ordered an ice coffee.
No, I said a nice coffee.
Nice.
Lisa, you took out a restraining order against your own brother? Yes.
The clerk also gave me this bench warrant for Dad's arrest.
Aw, damn it.
Chief, how are we supposed to live with our kids constantly separated? Hey, I don't make the laws, I just something with them.
Look, this videotape should answer all your questions.
Get Out of my Dreams and Also out of my car : A guide to your restraining order Hi, I'm Gary Busey.
I'm here to explain about restraining orders.
The answers to all your questions are in this video.
So you've got a restraining order Meet Joe.
Last name: Spaghetti-O.
One night, Joe went to a party and fell in love with a girl named Mary.
Oh, man, I've been there.
At first, Joe felt discouraged, but then he remembered what his father taught him.
"Never say die.
" "Quitters never prosper.
" And "No means yes.
" The next day, Mary got a restraining order against Joe.
Now Joe can't come within 500 feet of Mary.
He also can't call her or burn his name in gas on her lawn.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
Joe is me.
And Mary is a composite of 12 different women and a small independent film company, all of whom couldn't deal with me, because I'm too real.
Oh, I always hoped we wouldn't be one of those restraining order families.
How am I supposed to know if I'm 20 feet away? Don't worry, son.
No one's going to make you count to 20.
I have a more humane solution.
This 20-foot pole will make Bart's restraining order oh-so-easy to enforce.
And I used my Sprawl-Mart employee discount to buy this fancy pole cover.
It'll keep your pole looking great, poke after poke after poke.
Poke.
Hey, this really works.
Homer, why did you put the screwdriver at the end? Show you what it's like in the real world.
Bart, because of your sister's restraining order, there is no place in this school you can legally occupy without violating your order.
Observe.
A.
M.
kindergarten made the Bart doll.
P.
M.
kindergarten made the Lisa.
The point is, we're not allowed to have you in this building.
Well, I've never been one to break the law.
So long, Seymour.
Give me a jingle sometime.
I will, but there is one place on school property that falls outside all laws of man or God.
No, you don't mean? This place smells, and something's dripping on me.
The smell is manure, and the dripping's manure.
Now turn to chapter one of Math Safari.
But we're already on chapter seven.
Then you'll be teaching Willie.
Don't stand so Don't stand so close to me Her friend are So jealous You know how bad girls get Sometimes it's not so easy To be the teacher's pet Temptation, frustration So bad it makes him cry The bus stop I'm afraid your arm has sustained extensive nerve damage.
The only cure is this anti-poking potion.
Oops, missed the vein.
Dang, missed it again.
Sorry, I'm distracted.
My housekeeper is suing me for sexual harassment.
She hung the mistletoe.
What was I supposed to do? I like eating here with you, Dad, especially without "Don't have a cow, man.
" Yeah, he's all "Cowabunga, dude.
" I mean, what's that mean? Nothing, I bet.
Oh, need more soda.
Homer, would you be interested in the position of executive greeter? That's been my dream ever since I heard it existed right now.
What do I get? You get to work overtime without us paying you extra.
I won't do it.
If you don't, we'll ship you right back to Mexico.
But I'm a U.
S.
citizen.
How sure of that are you? Dios mio.
I can't take it anymore.
Every time I try to relax, she Ow, my neck.
Can't I even finish my milk? Please lift this restraining order, Judge Harm.
It's poking our family apart.
Bart, do you have anything to say? My sister has no sense of humor.
I'm sure you understand.
It's why you became a judge instead of finding a husband.
I have a husband.
What is he, blind and deaf? From now on, the restraining order is set at 200 feet.
That's 61 meters.
SacrÃ© bleu.
Sorry, boy.
This is the only place that's 200 feet from Lisa but still on our property.
It's pretty scary out here, Dad.
Dad? Well, I bet they miss me.
Well, could be worse.
Bart, Lisa went over to Janey's.
Quick, run inside and go potty.
Why should I go inside? The world is my toilet now.
Hey, why'd you lock the door? We're still inside.
It's a chance for you to catch up on all the work I'm assigning you now.
I've never worked all night, never.
And I worked at an all-night diner for three years.
I slept on the grill.
See this? It's the bathroom key.
See you in the morning.
You monster.
We placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical.
That's it, mister.
I am disgruntled.
And up until now, I was relatively gruntled.
Better increase the juice.
Wait.
I did it.
I pulled it out.
And with no brain damage-amage- amage-amage-amage-amage.
Now we'll get all your chips out, go to the police and shut this place down.
Homer, we took our chips out years ago.
Really? Then why do you still work here? We've learned to accept the things we cannot change and steal everything that's not nailed down.
I hope you won't judge us harshly.
I'll be back for tall kitchen bags.
Lisa, don't you think your brother's suffered enough? Mom, I don't mean to be mean, but every time I think about forgiving him, I remember all the bad things he's done to me.
He's done good things for you, too.
Name three.
He brought home your homework when you were sick.
Yes, but he thought that was a bad thing.
Let's count it anyway.
He did try to cheer me up when my hamster died.
Homer, you forgot to eat your hot dog.
Mmm, hot dog.
What the? I just don't understand what the problem is.
Okay, that's two, and that's it.
If I think of another one, I'll let him back in.
Stupid, selfish Bart.
Like he's ever going to do another nice thing for me.
He's building a me.
Well, I mean, it's a little American-primitive, but who am I to dismiss outsider art? It shows he misses me, and this is the third thing.
Lise, just let me be.
Look in your heart.
I'm begging you, look in your heart.
Bart, don't worry.
I'm relinquishing the poke-pole.
What does that mean, you're sharpening it? Look in your heart.
I'm begging you.
Look in your heart.
I'm not sharpening it.
Are you putting feces on the tip? No, I'm giving it up.
I've realized how much I missed you, and I can see from this magnificent Lisa statue that you felt the same way.
When you're right, you're right.
Let's eat.
Yo, Bart, we're ready to torch the wicker witch of the west.
Jimbo, the real one's here.
Oh, man.
This is every effigist's worst nightmare.
Bart, you were going to burn the third nice thing you've ever done for me? Well, you see, the fire represents your musical ability? Oh, Bart, I missed your lies.
And I was kind of a pill, I guess.
Lisa, you just poked my feelings.
I'm sorry, too.
Give me that torch.
Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Goo Goo Gai Pan
The Simpsons s16e12 Episode Script
Goo Goo Gai Pan
Surprise ! I don't see why I need a new driving license.
My old one's just fine.
I have serious doubts about your skill behind the wheel.
You drove in with three people on your grill.
At least I'm out doing things.
Do you know this baby once outraced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi? Turn the heater off.
It's boiling in here! - What are you talking about? This car is cooler than Guy Lombardo.
What's wrong with me?! Good heavens, she's some sort of female madman! Hot so hot! Stop that, you want-wit! I might get stung by a bumbled-bee.
Van Houten blows past Simpson.
He's got all the right moves.
And a fight breaks out! Car! - Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb.
I still feel hot! Sir, thank God the airbags activated! Those are my lungs! Selma, what you experienced was a "hot flash," an early symptom of menopause.
What the hell is menopause? Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters.
It's a natural process that women of a certain age go through.
And it's something to be feared.
Right, Doctor? Far from it.
Maybe we should all take a look at this.
What do you know.
She's out of eggs, and if you're watching this, so are you.
Hello, I'm Robert Wagner-- actor, smooth customer, and women's health advocate.
Just as the end of the day can bring great beauty, so too can the end of menstruation be a time of radiance and celebration.
Sure, you may experience mood swings, loss of desire, and private dryness, but don't worry.
You can still do everything that you did before.
Everything? Including having children? Ma'am, we're trying to make a video here.
Menopause means you can't have any more children, but it also marks a wonderful new plateau in a woman's life.
So let's all give menopause a round of men-applause! "Men-applause"? I'm not saying that.
So that's it.
The end of the line.
I'm never gonna have children.
Selma, I never realized you wanted a child so badly.
I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks.
But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone.
What about your pet iguana, Jub-Jub? Jub-Jub can't take care of me when I'm old and sick.
All he can do is eat me when I'm dead.
Don't cry, sweetie.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Come on, kids.
We should go.
Good-bye, Selma.
I'm not dead, idiot.
I know.
That was for the other patients.
My thingies! We now return to Son of Satan.
Everyone has a child but me.
Cheer up, sis.
There's a dented can sale down at Schwegman's.
This is one problem damaged food can't solve.
Wow, you really are down.
Hey, you ever think of adoption? The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak.
That foot's not dead.
It's just asleep.
Oh, he's perfect.
For this little guy, I'm gonna give up smoking.
From now on, we're a Skoal family.
From now on, we're a Skoal family.
Is this the baby pound where I gived up my kid? 'Cause I needs to get him back.
Oh, no! The birth father.
I shouldn't have gived him away.
Seems I misheard my wife.
What she said was, she's tired of having rabies.
Give me back my belly fruit! If you want, I'll call you after Brandine's next litter.
Yeah.
Pass! Don't give up, Aunt Selma.
China has thousands of baby girls who need adoption.
Great, another job lost to a foreigner.
Consulate of China Russia's wacky neighbor Madam, your adoption application is in perfect order except for one thing.
You forgot to fill out the name of your husband.
Husband.
- Of course.
The Chinese government only allows wholesome, married couples to adopt.
No "hen without cock.
" I apologize if that is a double-entendre in your language.
It is not in ours.
- Don't worry.
I'll just write my husband's name on this form.
Have you ever heard of MacGyver? Oh yes.
Big star.
Big star.
We know he's not married to you.
Right, right, right.
And don't forget-- your husband must go with you to China to pick up the baby.
All right, here I go.
Writing the name.
Excellent.
You are Mrs.
Homer Simpson.
He is your soul mate and lover.
Yes, Homer Simpson is my whole world.
I love him.
Oh, I just felt a chill go through my very soul.
Yeah, those Sloppy Joes will do that.
How about that Selma ? Flying all of us to China for no apparent reason.
And how about me getting off work by saying I'm teaching math skills to inner city youths? Yes, there are many kinds of heroes.
Marge, when are we gonna tell Homer he has to pretend to be my husband? Wait till the Drambuie and sleeping pills kick in.
Hey, look, a dragon.
Hello, Homer.
Give me your peanuts, and you can fly on my back.
I'll give you one.
Oh, you are a very greedy man.
The other dragons shall hear of this.
Hey, dragon! You fly like a girl! Go, go, go! Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China.
You name it, oh, wise mountain ape.
You have to pretend to be my husband.
Nooo! That's him-- the man who broke a dragon's heart.
The man who broke a dragon's heart Homer, if you do this one small favor, it could transform Selma's life.
But, Marge, I don't want her to be happy! Okay, don't do it for her.
Deal! - Do it for me.
Oh! Okay, I'll do it.
'Cause your sweet love is the one thing that saved my life from being an unmitigated disaster.
Ha-ha! Now we're even! This is your captain.
We have started our descent and will soon be landing in Beijing.
If you look out the left side of the aircraft, you will see our monument to warrior and spicy chicken pioneer, General Gao.
It makes the Lincoln Memorial look like crap.
Very good.
You have passport, husband.
All we need now is the sack of 10,000 happinesses.
When do I get my baby? - In a few days.
This will give you a chance to explore our nation's ancient culture.
And it will give me a chance to closely observe the intimate details of your married life.
Madame Wu, these are our children, Bart and Lisa.
Yes.
And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny.
Mmm.
Thank you, Mr.
Simpson.
Don't mention it, Miss October.
But don't look at her passport-- it's different.
These are the famous Shaolin Temple monks.
They pursue spiritual peace through mastery of bare-fisted murder.
I've heard of these guys.
You can wave your arms at them and make funny faces, and they just have to stand there and take it.
Homer, no, stop; you're thinking of Buckingham Palace! What? I hope you washed your hands first.
Oh-ho, look at him sleeping.
He's like a little angel that killed 50 million people.
Yes, you are! Yes, you are! The Great Wall of China was begun nearly 2,000 years ago in order to repel barbarian invaders.
With these pogo sticks, we'll finally make it over.
All right, everyone take a break and come back Monday with five fresh ideas.
Can't make it Monday.
My kid has a thing.
When I was 17, I walked into the jungle, and by 21, I walked out.
And by God, I was rich! Boys, you see what I was talking about? The greatest things can happen! I finally get this play! So, Mr.
Simpson, what do you do for a living? I'm a nuclear Wait a minute.
These guys don't know me.
I could be whatever I want.
I'm a Chinese acrobat! You shall be back in the land you love soon.
Tomorrow, we will give you your baby.
Oh, my God! Really? My life begins at last! That is quite an insult to your other children.
We understand, ma'am.
We're pretty lousy kids.
Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically.
I don't know about that.
I'm considered pretty smart.
Well, Tibet was considered "pretty independent.
" How'd that work out? How dare you make light of that brutal? Mind your manners, Lisa.
Such loving discipline.
Maybe someday, someone will love you too, childless servant.
I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed.
Our star acrobat had an onset of outspokenness and suffered a bullet-related death.
This is most disillusioning! It seems our leaders are not all-knowing! Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here?! We need your acrobatic skills.
Only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved Communist dictatorship.
You guys are Commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets? Just go perform that stunt! Unless you are not who you claim to be.
Show time! I give you the great American acrobat Homer Simpson to attempt our most popular stunt-- Chair Man Wow! Nice chair toss.
Good one, skinny.
You guys get these chairs from Regal Rents? Boy, you're a great stacker.
Hi, Lisa.
Now, that's precarious.
Boy, this is easy.
Maybe I am the world's greatest acrobat.
USA! USA! USA! You're curing me with acupuncture.
No, a porcupine snuck in while you were asleep.
Go on, shoo! Come back in year of porcupine.
Which is never! I'd like you all to meet someone.
Introducing Ling Bouvier! Selma, she's beautiful! This is Homer, your daddy.
Without him, I wouldn't have you.
She likes my eyes.
Homer, I do appreciate what you did.
How'd you like a little time with "Miss October"? I would, but Marge would kill me I mean, ohh, right.
Homer, of all the sneaky, dishonest things you've ever done, playing Selma's husband was by far the sweetest.
It wasn't easy, Marge.
I missed you so much.
One quick snuggle.
Is there any other kind? Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on Wu! Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America, unlike everyone else there.
Selma Bouvier, this man is not your husband.
And for that, no adoption.
Ma-ma.
They took my baby.
Wow, the fortune cookies here really are more accurate.
I am so sorry about what happened.
But at least you saw what it was like to be married to me for a little while.
Listen, I've got a plan to get Ling back.
But we must be discreet.
You never know where there might be a spy.
Yes, tell me your plan in detail, American sister.
Don't have cattle, dude.
Let's talk about this outside.
Hold still, Homie.
Yeah, Dad.
If you don't look perfect, you'll never be able to sneak in and steal Ling back.
You look just like a Buddha statue.
Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity.
Just think about the day you found that Junior Mint in your belly button.
A Buddha statue? We cannot leave it outside.
It is bad feng shui.
Feng shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the West.
Just put this hook in his nostril and pull.
I've never moved a Buddha this heavy.
Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks.
Now let's see, which one is Ling? Ling? Ling? If we can just get to the Delta Airlines Gold Medallion Lounge, they can't get in without spending frequent flier miles.
Plus, we get free apple, orange and grapefruit juice.
I'm afraid that juice is not on your tongue just yet.
Give the baby back.
I cannot allow her to be raised by an unmarried woman.
Madam Wu, I too work for a cruel and faceless empire: the Department of Motor Vehicles.
May I talk to you bureaucrat to bureaucrat? Yes.
But you first must sign this form.
And initial here.
And here.
Now we must find a notary.
This is Wang Pu's time to shine.
Proceed.
Madam Wu, we both love the enforcement of pointless rules.
But there's a greater joy in bending the rules to help someone who thinks all hope is gone.
I was this woman's husband for a few days-- in name only, and beer will soon obliterate that memory-- but I don't think this baby could find any greater love on your planet or ours.
You may not believe this, but I once was a baby myself.
My father was a ping-pong champion.
He died when the ball got stuck in his throat.
The Heimlich maneuver was invented the very next day.
My mother raised me alone, so I know it can be done.
You may keep your baby.
But you, drop the panda! But he loves me.
Why you little! I'll endanger you.
Good-bye, Simpsons.
You'll be back some day, Ling.
As a spoiled American teenager.
Something's wrong with Bart.
He's acting weird.
Feast on my shorts, stupid father man.
Wait, you're not Bart.
Close enough.
American jerks are going home Now we sleep for a thousand years When we wake, the world will end.
David Silverman here, supervising director of The Simpsons, and tonight, I'm going to show you how to draw Bart.
Now, we start of with a tin can, like this, and a little tuna fish can for the bottom part of his head.
A little hinge of an ear, and a big sausage for a nose.
Two giant golf balls for eyes.
Now, here's a trick about the hair-- it's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine points.
And, there you go.
Perfect Barts every time.
Now, once you've mastered how to draw Bart, you can put him in all sorts of costumes.
Some that he likes.
Some that he hates.
Well, that's it, my friends.
Thank you very much.
Keep watching.
Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Mobile Homer
The Simpsons s16e13 Episode Script
Mobile Homer
Is there anything more fun than a nice Sunday drive? Oh, yeah, it's great.
Why don't we top it off by reading to old people? Well, I think in these days of petro-terrorists and ozone depletion, a Sunday drive reeks of bio-hubris.
Hey! Hey, it's Krusty The Clown! What do you say, Krusty? - What?! Can't I get a cup of coffee without doing a monkey dance for you freaks? The fishing hat means leave me alone! Always nice to see him.
How did Dad get out of this snooze cruise? He's cleaning out the garage.
I can picture it now.
I cleaned out the garage and lost 50 pounds.
It seems a shame to chuck out these cross-country skis.
I'll keep one.
Let's see, now.
"Kill spiders"? We don't have spiders.
Stupid spider! Afraid of dying? What?! Spider poison is people poison?! Bart! Hm, where's the pain? There it is! A spider?! Homie! Time to open the envelope I gave you.
Out of the way! I learned CPR while waiting for other kids to finish their math tests.
Compress his chest! - I'm on it.
Hey! Wha?! Wha' happened?! Where am I?! Who put those spiders in my mouth?! Oh, thank God! He's alive! You wouldn't believe what happened to me! I tried to do what you told me to, but I don't even know what happened Honey? - I'll try to remember near-fatal booboo today really scared me.
What would the kids and I do if something happened to you? Don't worry, if I croak, you'll marry Lenny or Moe.
The winner will be determined by a card game I invented.
I got all the rules written down up here.
You keep almost dying.
Just look at our vacation photos.
Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away Vacation, meant to be spent alone Homie, if you die, I'm gonna have three kids to take care of.
I want you to buy some life insurance.
Please? Sure.
If it'll give you peace of mind.
But I'm not gonna die for many, many years.
I know.
I just want to b Mr.
Simpson, before we can insure you, we need to ask you some questions.
Have you ever had a heart attack? Haven't we all? Strokes? - None.
No, wait, three.
Since the last one, I don't remember so good.
Are you a smoker? - Yes, I am.
You don't smoke! Shh! I want her to think I'm cool! If I sign it, it still counts! My hemophilia! Uninsurable?! I'm not gonna worry just because Homer doesn't have insurance.
A lot of people don't.
Wifetime TV presents, From Homemaker to Homeless.
Oh, Roger, I just love our present lifestyle.
Don't thank me.
Thank our many debts and obligations.
Honey stop kidding around.
Honey?! Brenda, I'm afraid your husband had no insurance.
Well, how will I feed my family? You should have thought of that before you had children with a dead man.
Oh, this is only based on a story.
A true story! Brenda! Where's your wealth? Gone! Along with my sanity! But I'm still pretty, right? Right? The real Brenda later went to Harvard Medical School.
.
As a cadaver.
We need to start saving.
Go easy on that! It's got to last till you're five.
Budget-0's?! That's right.
It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal.
You just have to assemble it yourself.
We saved fifty cents on that purchase.
Mom, why are you so worried about money? Oh, we're just saving for a very rainy day.
You mean when the big tuna goes belly-up? Well, I just think we should be building a nest egg.
Way ahead of you, Marge.
I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money.
They should get here soon.
I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.
I have a book from the library with the same information.
Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to cart them away at my expense! Directory assistance? No more directory assistance! It's not free.
Well, I'll get a lawyer on that.
No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.
No more oriental mustard! It's so embarrassing.
Mom is making us wear clothes from Goodwill.
People died in those shirts.
No outside suds! I'm sorry, Moe.
Marge won't let me spend any money-- even counterfeit money! It's my money.
I'm the one who earns it.
Drinking beer out of a thermos like an animal.
Can you help me unload this soup from the car? There was a sale, so I bought 400 cans.
Marge, your penny-pinching rampage has gone too far.
Oh, honey, I know it's not easy, but we've got to put money away.
You can't enjoy money when you're dead, so why not have fun now? Don't you think you've had enough "fun"? Last year, you spent $5,000 on donuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter Hey, I earn that money.
While you lounge around here, doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
Oh, please.
From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.
Who told you that? You shouted it while we were making love.
Now, look here, mister.
I pay the bills, I do the budget, and I'm in charge of the money.
Are you going to let her push you around? Yeah, show that skirt who's boss, see? Give us our independence, Homer.
Yes, President Franklin.
I, uh, was never president.
I invented some kind of stove.
Well, I invented a Popsicle made of Mountain Dew.
Sweet.
Yeah, yeah, that's swell.
My scrimpings! You banged? Did you spend our savings on a motor home? No.
I spent our savings on the down payment for a motor home.
I need a castle where I can be king! Well, I hope you enjoy it, Your Majesty, 'cause I'm not speaking to you.
Damn it! Kids, your mother and I have decided to take a little break from each other.
While we deal with our issues, I plan to go on Motorhome Makeover.
and trick this thing out like a palace, not like that dump you live in.
All I need is for someone to start a show called : Motorhome Makeover.
I see.
ou were mad enough to leave our house, but not mad enough to leave our property.
That's my half-assed dad.
Hey, I couldn't leave you kids.
You're like my own family.
Now check this place out.
Neat! When I sleep at Dad's, I call this bed.
You can have it.
This one's way better.
That's a bread compartment.
You're a bread compartment! Kids! Come back in the house! Oh, do we have to? I melted string cheese over some corn chips.
Oh, boy! I've got Gameboys and caramel apples! I'll let you sass me! I'll let you punch me! You can wear swimsuits instead of underwear! We'll have Christmas tomorrow! Welcome to the jungle We got fun 'n' games We got everything you want Honey, we know the names We are the people that can find whatever you may need Free gas! Well, it's a pleasure to meet another sultan of the slow lane.
That's my rig over there.
She's a Roam-a-way SilverCoach.
Boy, I wouldn't mind driving that to the Holland, Michigan Tulip Festival.
I'm looking for a place to dock the beast.
I don't mean you, Martha.
I've never loved you either.
We use jokes to mask our pain at the death of our son.
Really.
A place to dock? I got room.
I have a backyard that makes my front yard look like an idiot.
Can I bring the rest of the convoy? Are you crazy? Let 12 complete strangers live on my lawn? Well, we'll give you regional beers.
It's a deal! And there you have it.
Welcome, welcome.
If my wife asks, you're here for a Boz Skaggs concert.
Homer! What are all these recreational vehicles doing here? These are my new friends.
They like me for me and my plumbing and gas hookups.
Young lady, I like what you're driving.
Is that one of them two-level Wander-Kings? This is a house! Hey, boys, let's play her the RV National Anthem.
Daddy, all the fumes are making me dizzy.
Well, now, Roddy, the Lord wouldn't let us die this way.
That's right, Ned.
Now, you three take a little nap while I make some hot chocolate.
I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere Travel, I've done my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Springfield Shelbyville, Ogdenville Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown Spring City, Capfield, West Springfield Paris, Rome and Shelbyville adjacent Sing it, baby! That's a lot of places.
I know another place you can go! To sleep.
Sorry, Marge.
We've got the power now, and you can't turn us off! Can't turn off the power? Sashay this and fancy that Watch the dog dance with the cat Lights out, weirdos! I was making a Monte Cristo sandwich when my crisper cut out.
It's not golden brown, it's not brown, it's not nothin'.
You don't belong on the lawn.
You belong in your bed with your wife.
That's no marriage bed.
It's a loveless slab of bossiness! Well, you're not perfect either! Name one way I'm not.
You hide food in my hair.
You think brushing your teeth is foreplay I'll have you know I could have married Sideshow Mel! Boy, they're really going at it.
Do you think they're gonna get divorced? No.
I don't see Dad doing all that paperwork.
What? I seem to recall you asked me to get this fat! Oh, boy.
Let's get out of here before Dad does a bad impression of Mom.
I'm Marge Simpson.
Don't eat off the floor.
I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries.
It was 20 years ago.
That was my Woodstock! You know what started all this trouble? This motor home.
How can a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy? Hey, I know this is a crazy idea, but hear me out.
What if we Take this back to the dealer? Wow, I was gonna say "Call Reverend Lovejoy," but I guess this could work.
Oh yeah, Marge? What about my womanly needs? Slowly, slowly.
The RV dealer is across town under that gorilla blimp.
How do you know that's their blimp? Duh! It's Kamper Kong.
Bob, word on the street is there's two kids trying to return an RV.
Return an RV?! Return an RV?! Tie me to the Kong and cut its tethers.
You don't take anything seriously.
Not even your bankruptcy hearing! Hey, that judge thought I rocked.
Case closed! Although my case is still open.
If you need me, I'll be in my trailer! My RV is gone! It was more than a motor home.
It was a car I could go to the bathroom in.
Hey, a note.
Dear Mom and Dad: "We don't want you guys to split up, so we're driving the RV back to the dealer.
" We've got to stop them.
This is a parent's worst nightmare! They've stolen a car and they're home alone.
Let's see, the RV dealership is across the freeway on the corner of This is a Flintstones Fun Map.
Look Dad wrote something: Dino-- short for dinosaur? Remember to ask Jeeves.
We're on the freeway! Would you look at those Simpson kids.
Last year it was Razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs.
When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon.
You'll never guess what I used for astronauts.
I'm going to say eggs.
Shut up.
Oh, my God, there they are! I've lost them! I can't see past all the SUVs! Don't worry about the SUVs.
There's a gentle curve up ahead.
Bart! Pull over! We'll stop fighting, we promise! Prove it! Yeah, kiss and make up! We're not quite there yet, but we've opened up a dialogue! Not good enough! Kiss! French it up, lover boy! I'm not a machine.
I can't just turn it on! Come here.
Now pull over! First, raise my allowance.
Why you little! We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! Look! "Runaway Truck Lane!" We're saved! Ah, rats.
Thank God for that Turkish freighter.
Now we'll just go get them and My kids are on your boat.
Turn back! I see no kids.
And we must get these Season One Northern Exposure DVDs to Kahramanmaras.
Help us! Bring back our children, you Cyprus-splitting jerks! Just for that, we keep your children.
Will you raise them Christian? Coptic Christian.
Captain, wait! I have something here that might change your mind! What are you showing me? Soup? If you have some noodles and tuna fish, you can make a casserole that's small on price, but big on flavor.
You are a wise woman.
It is a shame you dress like a Lebanese prostitute.
Return to the docks! Well, if he thinks he's getting a corner piece, forget it.
Wow, Marge, once again, your mom-ly wisdom averted disaster.
And I promise I will return this RV first thing in the morning.
Easy easy Easy easy Water damage-- can't be returned.
I win again! It's only money.
And it did make a cool splash.
Marge, you're taking this pretty well.
Dude, she seemed tense, so we put a little hashish in her meal.
Cool.
Which came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the you guys? If you don't want to say it, just think it.
Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night Istanbul! I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere, man Cross the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man Travel Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  The Seven-Beer Snitch
The Simpsons s16e14 Episode Script
The Seven-Beer Snitch
Our street performers won't bother you anymore You know, we should visit Shelbyville more often.
They have a store that just sells shoes.
I feel like I'm in Paris! The famous Shelbyville Theater District! Can we see a play? - Play?! All plays suck, all the time, and always will, and everyone knows it! - Look, we'll compromise.
We'll go see a play that Lisa doesn't want to see.
Let's see there's Equus starring Sideshow Mel, the Three Dollar Bills in Gay, Gay, Gay! Song of Shelbyville.
From the schoolhouse where our grandparents learnt To the bad zoo where all the animals burnt We're home to Christian, Muslim and Jew Although not many of the last two.
There's a girl for every guy Birthplace of the button fly In good ol' Shel-bee-ville! Say, fellow Shelbyvillian, enjoying our famous low humidity? I'll say.
The only thing lower than our humidity are the greens fees on our public golf course.
Which one? - All three! Yes.
Yes.
Why look, it's Springfield Billy! What are you doing here in Shelbyville? I came here for the legalized gambling.
But Springfield Billy, we don't have legalized gambling here.
Sure you do.
I saw a bumper sticker that said "Free Tibet.
" They're saying Springfielders are stupid hicks.
It's like lookin' in a mirror.
What's a mirror? It's a big city word for reversifyin' glass.
That show was hilarious.
That Springfield Billy cracks me up.
For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate.
I happen to know because we're from Springfield.
Springfielders?! This is the worst crisis the Springfield Cultural Activities Board has ever faced.
Those Shelbyvillians are maligning us all.
I've never heard such mean-spirited hate-hoots.
We've got to upgrade Springfield's image, show them we're more than just a town that's still afraid of eclipses.
God steals sun : Mayor offers sacrifices Hey, how 'bout we open a fancy restaurant, and when people check their hats and coats, we steal 'em? Why do you come to these meetings? Free water.
There must be something else.
Think, Marge, think.
Culture vulture birds of prey pray in a church the Father, Son and Holy Ghost ghosts are scary scary rhymes with Gehry! That's it! Architect Frank Gehry! He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles.
Well, we could use a new HQ for the Springfield Philharmonic.
They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor.
Little help? Next time we're keeping it.
Then it's agreed.
We ask Frank Gehry to build us a concert hall.
Bill, bill, Bilbao bill Snoopy stationery! Dear Mr.
Gehry, would you please build a concert hall for our town? We may not be the biggest city, or the prettiest, but we were the first city in America to abandon the metric system.
Frank Gehry, you're a genius! Behold the new Springfield Concert Hall.
And none of this would have happened if not for a letter I received from one little girl.
I wrote that letter.
You wrote I was "the bestest architect in the world"? Well, aren't you? All in favor of building a $30 million "screw you" to Shelbyville? Get off my masterpiece, you punks! I'll call your mothers! Yo, Frank Gehry! Like curvi-linear forms much? Hey cat, get your own pants! Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat.
She's just got winter fur.
Okay, she's fat.
Can't breathe Someone dangle some string.
I'm so excited.
It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron.
Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the "dum dum dum dum.
" The rest is just filler.
I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven.
Was I sadly mistaken.
It sounds better on my cell phone.
Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass.
Orchestra tonight : Tickets half price! XXX movies all day An evening with David Brenner You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music? We didn't have time.
The concert hall was designed and built so quickly.
We're broke, but I have a plan.
We change the name of the town to escape our creditors.
I need names, people! Lima, Peru! Gotham City! Wiggumville! Burger King! Perhaps I can be of assistance.
Smithers, tear me a new drape hole.
If you hand over the concert hall to me, I'll assume the debt and all of your problems will disappear.
The building is yours.
Excellent! He's turned it into a prison! Prison guards wanted : must know Powerpoint, sadism Let's see now.
Barely finished high school.
You've challenged me to fight six times since the interview began Make it seven! Mr.
Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothing.
Now all you have to do is pass this drug test.
Cool, but I'll never pass with this.
I better switch samples.
I haven't seen so many drugs in a wang since I ran a Chinese opium den! "Crack, smack, uppers, downers, outters, inners, "horse tranquilizers, cow paralyzers, blue bombers, "green goofers, yellow submarines, "LSD Mach 3, and trace amounts of human urine?" Well, there must have been a mistake.
My body is a temple.
Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight! But he misread my pee! He misread my pee! We're not overfeeding her.
We've been giving her this low-fat cat food! I'll bet she's sneaking food from someplace else.
Let's follow her! I'd rather follow the dog.
I think he's up to something.
One thing at a time, Bart.
There you are, Smokey! Snowball II has another family! This is worse than when we thought Mom was having an affair.
Turned out she was just going to the library to cry.
Now she just bottles up her misery like a normal mom.
Gentlemen, my prison is losing money.
We need more convicts in the dungeonarium.
Dungeonarium.
That's catchy.
Uh, well, I could beef up arrests by enforcing some of these old forgotten laws.
Okeydokey.
Let's see here.
Uh, here's one from 1834.
"It's unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours.
" If I didn't arrest you that night in the park, I'm not going to arrest you now.
Stupid prison guard jobs thinks it's so big.
Everyone gets a prison job but me.
All my best friends are guards.
They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not.
Okay, boys, here's a loony law from 1911.
"Five kicks of the same can shall be considered illegally transporting litter.
" That's a hard five.
All units move in.
We're puttin' you away, Kicky Mantle.
And give that can the whole CSI treatment.
You know, lab tests, weird lights, shots from the can's point of view.
Yeah, that's it.
Lots of flash and no meaning.
Okay, new meat, you're clean.
I'm not supposed to be new meat.
I'm supposed to have your job.
I'm sick of you positing an alternate reality! No Frank Gehry-designed prison can hold me! Oh, my God, that man might be hurt! Guards, there's a prisoner in there! Nice nab, Simpson.
You did the right thing squealin' on that guy.
Squealin'? No.
I just wanted to help him.
Mm, whatever.
How'd you like to be a full-time rat? Really? You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords, things like that? Not exactly.
Mr.
Burns, I've thought about it, and I don't want to be a snitch.
It's not an honorable life.
Now, now, there are perks.
A private cell, extra dessert, and this adorable little hat.
Well, I am a sucker for a little hat.
So, we have an agreement? Well I don't know.
But it's the only way you'll survive in here.
Well, I would like to survive long enough to see the effects of global warming.
I've got an inside tip that it's all a bunch of crap.
Okay, you've found your snitch.
Excellent! Now, what have you got for me? Homer Simpson has become a snitch.
Tell me something I don't know.
Sometimes I go to movies alone.
Say, is that a gang tattoo? I thought those weren't allowed.
Yeah, it's a gang I was in as a kid.
G.
M.
S.
: Galactic Mystery Solvers.
The only mystery we couldn't solve was how not to grow up.
That's right-- an unauthorized tattoo.
I came here right away.
Very good.
Here you go! Your, mother.
Oh, that "my mother.
" Tell him thanks.
Okay, Tattoo Man.
It's a month in the hole for you.
Solitary confinement? But without my weekly canasta, I'll die.
It's-it's my raison d'd're.
Smokey, you've got that awful smell on you again.
That's the smell of her real family! The Simpsons! And for your information, our walls have a bunch of dead raccoons in them, but we are saving up the money to find them.
Well, whatever.
Smokey's our cat.
Smokey, stay! Now back.
Heel.
Snowball does tricks? Sure.
C'mon, Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle.
Well, I don't care what you say.
She still loves us more.
Don't you, Snowball? You toyed with my heart like it was a toy heart.
Gentlemen, we must determine which of our fellow inmates has become the Rodentus Incarcerarium.
You heard the boss.
Find the rat.
I found the rat, and he's right here.
I ain't the rat; I'm the pigeon.
I thought you was the mole.
No, you're thinking of that guy who was the canary.
But we can all agree, we work in a business with a very rich lexicon.
Rich lexicon, very rich.
A Tiffany's box! And the thing inside is from Tiffany's! Homie, you've never done this before.
How'd you afford it? Well, if you really must know, I'm a prison snitch.
Haven't you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies? Sure, they're on top of the world.
Then there's a big riot scene.
Then I don't know.
I usually doze off.
The prison snitch is killed! And that could be you.
Because you're the prison snitch! What are you dopes looking at? You've never seen bling-bling before? What is it they have that keeps Snowball coming back to their house? Only one way to find out.
My baby turtle crawled into your basement window.
Oh, you poor boy.
What's your turtle's name? Apron Boobs-face? Really? Well, let's go find it.
And what's your name? Shoes Butt-back? There's a jailbreak tonight.
How come nobody told me before? I sent you an e-vite.
You never responded.
Nice netiquette, jerk.
There's gonna be a breakout tonight.
Very good.
Now, I'd like a little more information.
Are biographies arranged by author or subject? What is Bart still doing in there? You forgot to take some brownies.
Thanks, Mother Dexter! I'll be back tomorrow.
Bart, why were you in there so long? Lis, that place is great! They have a jukebox in the basement.
And look at the trick they taught me! Are you watching? Are you watching? When they come busting out, we'll be ready.
Every single guard is outside waiting for them.
Something don't feel right.
Usually when there's a jailbreak, there's electricity in the air, like the calm before a summer storm.
Or, right before a heavyweight fight.
Mine's more poetic.
Now, where the hell are they? Kill the rat! Kill the rat! Kill the rat! What happened to the guards?! Okay, okay.
Don't panic.
Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant.
I call the balls of his feet! Marge, they're gonna kill me! I only did what I had to do to survive in a style befitting a French monarch.
Fly, Segway, fly! We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot? Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something.
This red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch, Homer Simpson-- this massive blob over here-- who is attempting to hide in the kitchen a Good luck, blobby.
Kill the rat! Then have snack! Homer.
Homer, where are you? Marge! How did you get in here? As president of the cultural board, I was given a key to the concert hall.
There's the filthy rat we're gonna kill.
And his wife, who sometimes drives my son home from school.
Oh, you must be Michael's dad! Marge, c'mon! We'll be safe in the gas chamber.
I want you to look into the faces of those poor men.
Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting.
Marge, I'm sorry I got you into this mess.
Can I snitch on my heart and say I love you? Oh, Homie Tear gas, my one weakness.
You can come in, governor.
Well, I'll make these rioters regret their folly.
This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons.
Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia.
Done and done, sir.
Hold on a minute.
Governor, I've been using my powers of snitching for evil, but now I want to tattle for good.
This prison is a hellhole.
They feed us horse meat, with traces of jockey meat! I'll have you know I buy the finest cuts of beef.
The guards are sadistic and cruel.
I can't help the way I am.
When I was a boy, I saw my father murdered before my eyes.
By me.
Governor, I think the only fair solution is to pardon all these thugs and murderers.
Well, since there's no room in the prisons you came from, I'm releasing you all to a garbage barge, where you will bare-knuckle-box till one of you emerges as king of your floating hell.
You know what I missed in the joint? Just lying here watching you sleeping sweetly.
Sleeping sweetly.
Sleeping sweetly I won't tell if you don't tell.
Listen to me! This whole building is unsafe.
They cut corners everywhere.
People! It's a deathtrap.
No, Dad, you fell asleep in front of the TV, watching The Towering Inferno.
How do you know the title of my prophetic vision? Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Future-Drama
The Simpsons s16e15 Episode Script
Future-Drama
Hey, Lis, there's your boyfriend.
Oh, yeah? Well, there's your girlfriend.
Yeah, well, you love Moleman.
No, you do.
You're gay for Moleman! You're gay for Moleman! No one's gay for Moleman.
Where are we? - You're gay for Moleman! Bart, Lisa, welcome.
I've been expecting you.
Your gasps are appropriate, because I have perfectly predicted the future.
How did you know we were coming? Because, my dear, I have mastered the one true science: astrology.
Don't you mean astronomy? No, my dear, I said astrology.
For years, you see, astrology was the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of the sciences not so good.
But with new, more powerful computers, astrology can show you the future.
Would you like to see yourselves as teenagers? No.
Let's go there now.
Feast your eyes on the wondrous world of eight years from Tuesday.
Kids, come down for your prom photo.
Smile.
Oh, it's so great.
We can do anything now that scientists have invented magic.
I'm so proud of you.
Lisa, graduating two years early, and, Bart graduating.
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? Homer, we're separated now.
You can't just walk in without knocking.
Well, maybe I was partying so hard with my single friends last night, I forgot the rules.
Could you please stop fighting in front of us? Why? Is it messing you up? Homer, just settle down.
We just got a postcard from Maggie.
She's really enjoying Alaska.
Stupid wildlife, serves 'em right.
Lisa, your date's here.
Hey, Lisa.
Milhouse?! Ugh! I've been turning him down for the prom since kindergarten.
Uh, yes.
You relented at age 12 when he pulled you out of a house fire.
Which you later found out he started.
You should have seen the look on your face.
In fact, here it is.
Now, back to your teens.
Sorry I'm late, Lisa.
I was at the gym, totally gunning my lats.
Just gunning them.
Oh, man.
The deposit on this tux was 200 Reagans.
Hey, everybody.
Bart, you're lookin' crook-ed.
Hey, Jenda, how 'bout some forehead? That was jagged.
when I was a kid we didn't show our affection by head-butting.
Oh, Marge Oh, right.
Separated.
Who knew that bio-engineered food would to lead to smart puke? You think you're better than me, eh, puke? So, Nelson, who did you end up bringing tonight? Sherri or Terri? Uh, it didn't seem fair to choose.
Welcome, seniors and sexually precocious underclassmen.
I'd like to say good-bye to those who are going off to college, or to fight in Gulf War Five: "Operation Find Our President's Head.
" USA.
Find the head.
USA.
Find the head.
And now, here's Assistant Principal Kearney.
Okay, I want a nice, clean prom.
That means no booze, kick, puff, doze, maxx, stim or turb.
Remember, "Stim Kills.
" It's what turned Superintendent Chalmers into a vegetable.
Skinner.
Skinner.
Skinner.
I can use the potty now.
Your brother is so hot.
- Stop telling me that.
Oh, sorry, Lisa.
Sink activate.
I love your dress.
Soap activate.
Bart tells me you got into Yale.
Sink terminate.
Yeah, even though McDonald's owns Yale now, it's still a great school.
And I could never afford to go there if I hadn't won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship.
Oh, yeah, that's the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas.
Yeah.
I miss Christmas.
I don't.
So, any plans after graduation? Travel.
Do you need a traveling companion, perchance? Travel canceled.
Whoa, look out! Bart, are you sure about this limo driver you hired? I can fly.
I can fly.
Just kidding, I know I can't fly.
I can glide, though.
Jenda, I think we're ready to go all the way.
But I'm a little nervous.
Bart, don't be nervous.
Sex on prom night is as American as our 51st state: Saudi-Israelia.
Jenda, that's not what I meant.
I love you.
Will you marry me? That's really sweet but marriage is a three-year commitment.
I mean, do you even know what you're gonna do with your life? I've got it all figured out.
You can waitress while I learn to cut meat.
We'll live in a trailer, but to avoid paying for parking, I'll drive while you sleep.
We'll never, ever stop.
Bart, I hate to say this, But I think I outgrew you.
When? - Just this minute.
Okay, love birds.
Break it up.
Hey, this one's alone.
What a loser.
Here, you want some chicken? Just grab it with your hands, go ahead.
We're not fancy here.
I'm tired of this.
I want to look at a different future.
Kang and Kodos Invasion Vice-President Cletus Moe Gets E-mail Flander's Revenge Maggie's D.
U.
I.
Lenny's Super Pet So that's how Jenda dumped me.
Son, sometimes people just grow apart, like me and your mom.
No, Mom dumped you 'cause you blew all our money on this underwater house.
She'll realize she was a fool, when Hey! Come back with my patio furniture! Stupid flounders.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
We'll find some new lady friends.
Come on, boy, we're hitting the town.
After decompressing, of course.
So what do you do to kill time in here? There's a DVD player, but it doesn't work.
Why'd you buy the first hover car ever made? Didn't you know it'd take time to work out the kinks? I know! It's a hover car! What a beautiful world this will be What a glorious time to be free.
All right! You guys are my new best friends.
You wish, loser! Plastic Surgery Center : Celebrity Buttocks, Nipple Relocations and Fluffy Tails Give Apes the Vote You won't regret it Hey, Moe, hey, Moe-clone.
Hiya Homer.
- Hi, Homer.
Hey, hey, hey! I don't pay you to socialize.
Oh, right.
You're the people person.
Watch it with the attitude, mister.
You came from my back fat! Boy, I think I see my two favorite letters of the alphabet: E-Z.
You moron! Why did I ever think I needed a clone? Hey, I'm not the clone, you're the clone! Oh, please, not this again.
Son, say hello to Edna.
Dad, that's my fourth grade teacher! Hi, Mrs.
K.
This is sure weird, huh? Want it to get weirder? I don't think so.
Good call, Bart.
We can both do better.
I wish I could talk to my fourth-grade self just once.
I'd say "Work hard, don't be such a screw up.
" This time is so precious.
Don't waste it.
Bart, maybe you should listen to this.
Oh! Now I have to start over.
Is that robot break-dancing? No.
He activated his self-destruct mechanism.
Love can really be painful.
Tell me about it.
I broke up with Milhouse.
How'd he take it? What Lisa's problem? Milhouse mother say Milhouse handsome! I guess everyone in this family is doomed to wind up alone.
Look, if you want Jenda to take you back you should show some initiative; get a job.
A career? No problem.
I speak three languages.
Armpit noises are not a language.
Oh, yeah? Look, my point is, show Jenda you want to be successful and she might take you back.
It's never too late for love.
I am so glad you think so.
Kids, I want you to know I've started seeing someone.
He's from Springfield.
I think you know him.
Krusty the Clown is dating your mom! When Jenda hears about my great new career, she'll definitely take me back.
You missed a spot.
Do it again! Yes, Mr.
Gheet.
I'm Anoop, you racist cracker! Bart, I need you to make a delivery to an elderly shut-in.
And to get there, you must go through the forbidden zone.
Which one? Radioactive, smallpox, eternal midnight No, no.
The one with the uni-clams.
I get it.
You can't tip me because your hands are tied.
My Dad pulls that scam all the time.
Don't move, teenage Bart.
I've got you covered with my phaser-slash-cell phone.
Dude, this is totally not the time to call me.
I don't know.
Some kind of pasta.
Look, just get me what you're having, all right? Not that.
What soups do they have? Blessed urchin! How can I reward you? With the diamond? No, sorry.
My diamonds are going to be retro-morphed into coal the most valuable substance on Earth.
I know.
I'll send you to Yale with the Monty Burns Scholarship.
I can't take your scholarship! It's going to my sister.
It would break her heart.
Don't be so quick to say no.
The ladies love an ivy-leaguer They do? Once I home-invaded this Princeton dude, and he was like totally married.
Well, I guess an intensive four-year bachelor of arts program is the easiest way to get Jenda back.
Hello, Smithers.
Nice of you to drop by after my life was saved.
Sir, you knew I was on a date.
Mr.
Smithers? I thought you were you know No, I'm straight.
As long as I take these injections every ten minutes.
I love boobies! It's so great that Yale has finally forbidden men from taking science.
Now let's see, should I major in Femistry or Galgebra? Listen, Lis, I've gotta tell you something.
I'm going to Yale.
What? I don't want to go to the same college as you.
Then I've got some great news! You're not going to Yale! Hey, I didn't do anything! Yet.
You've wrecked my life! You're gonna wreck my life! Hey, Marge, why are you with Krusty? These kids are too old for clowns.
Actually, Homer, I'm into your lady.
Hey, man, she's not my lady anymore.
We split up, it's all cool I I'll kill you! Once they destroy each other Then we make our move.
Yes, we make our move.
What? A spider got into the cloning machine.
Attention, everyone.
Please welcome our valedictorian, Lisa Simpson.
She will be attending Yale I mean, Hot Dog on a Stick Management Camp.
That's odd.
You get into Yale and Lisa can't go anymore? Hey, what can I say.
I love learning.
Bartholomew Simpson! What? Come and get your diploma.
Why don't you mail it to your butt? Bart, now that you've graduated I can finally say this: you really press my cider.
Yo, Bart, good to see you're back with Jenda.
Hey, Nelson.
What's up with your girlfriends? They each had twins.
Listen, girls I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes.
Isn't that what your father said the day he left you? Yeah.
I never understood why he did it till now.
I'm coming, Papa! Lisa had no right to break up with me.
I'm not the first guy to get a nosebleed during a slow dance.
I'd better go talk to him.
Well, don't take too long.
I think this might be our special night.
Why did Lisa dump me? Is it because of my small calves? They're the hardest place to add mass! Cheer up, Milhouse.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
Hey, I remember when you were a nerdy little fourth-grader.
And now you're an emotionally crippled mini-Hulk.
What girl wouldn't want that? Do you think Lisa might see that now that she's got nothing else? I guess so.
Time to strike while the iron is sad! All right.
Three hours to blast my quads.
Bart, what's wrong? You seem distracted.
I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa.
What are you thinking about now? Hey, that rundown old house looks familiar.
That's where Doc Frink used to live.
I never had this problem with Todd Flanders.
This machine lets us look into the future.
Wouldn't that be romantic? I'll tell you what would be romantic.
Making love for the first time.
Totally.
Right after I fiddle with these dials and levers.
You know, I was thinking of taking a poetry class at the community college.
Forget it.
I had to sell all my marrow to pay the light bill.
I didn't have much marrow.
I can't let that happen.
I got to go.
Listen, Bart, if you leave me now, I can guarantee one thing about your future-- I won't be in it.
Not going to Yale isn't the end of the world.
Yeah, I'm starting to see that.
No, I mean, you're screwed.
Your only hope is to clutch at straws.
Straws who've always loved you.
Really? Really.
Ca-can I kiss you? Have you eaten onions lately? No.
And it's really hard 'cause I'm on an all-onion diet.
well okay.
I guess this is my destiny.
What are you doing? Keeping Lisa from destroying her life.
Come on, let her destroy it.
Lenny, Carl, can you pull me out? Sorry, we're ghosts now.
Our spirits live in those two trees.
Or, maybe we're alive and we just feel like jerkin' you around.
Or maybe we're one of each.
Look, I'm not taking the scholarship.
You're the one who deserves to go to Yale.
That's so noble.
But what about Jenda? Hey, I'm waiting till I find a girl who likes me for me.
And you will.
At the age of 83.
You die one minute later.
And my brain is put in a Pauper's grave.
Well, Bart, I really appreciate what you're going to do for me.
But what happens to our parents? Marge, I thought you'd never take me back after what I did to Krusty.
You mean get beaten up by him? Exactly.
And I'll admit, it is kind of romantic under the sea.
You don't know the half of it.
Come with me my love to the sea The sea of love I want to tell you how much I love you This sucks.
I want to see Vice President Cletus.
You want me to attend the funeral of the Sultan of Brunei? Well, I would consider it my honor.
Hey, Brandine, pack my evenin' britches.
We's goin' to Brunei.
Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Don't Fear the Roofer
The Simpsons s16e16 Episode Script
Don't Fear the Roofer
Hey, hey! No enjoyement! Kent Brockman here with "Storm watch 6" Professor Frink, what is the scientific explanation for this unusually severe thunderstorm? Well, Kent, we are exploring two theories of this quaint A: either we have a supercell of high pressure fronts or B: God is bowling.
With the balls, and the pins and the rental shoes and the very bad cheese pizza that comes in squares Krusty, what's your lighthearted take on our recent bad weather? Sorry, Kent! I sold all my bad weather jokes to Jay Moore! But I can make funny sounds on your microphone.
Fine! There you have it! Homer, do something about this leak! Do not worry Marge! Hot Wheels to the rescue! The water flows down here through the straightway and a couple of wicked S turns around the loop of death and out the mail slot! And it's the yard's problem! - My hamster! You know Homer, I've a lot of things slide but when you can't keep a roof of your family's head you're just not much of a Father! I was gonna have my classmates over for a homework party but now my refreshments are ruined.
Good bye, college! He was supposed to be in the show and tell this week That's not gonna happen! That Teddy bear survived three safety recalls But it couldn't survive you! Ow, that's it! I'm goin to Moe's! Oh, it's raining outside.
It's raining inside! Lousy cat! Stupid family hates Homer.
At least, it remains a place where I am always welcome.
For he's a jolly good fellow! Oh, guys.
This is just what I needed.
This ain't for you, sweat stain! this is a surprise party for Lenny Drawn by his closest friends So what's Stephen Hawking doing here? I live here now.
you're look at the new owner of the "Little Caesar's" down the street.
Pizza, pizza.
Pizza, pizza.
Sorry, that button's sticks! So why didn't you invite me? We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'll spill the beans! I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny! Surprise? What surprise? Way to go, Homer.
Six years planning down the drain.
I'm sorry.
I'm just sitting over here until you stop being mad at me.
Ow, Great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like a Lenny's favorite bar stool and you wrecked it! I can see, I'm not wanted here.
Homer Wait, do not go.
Ok, beat it! Who wants ass frosting? No, thanks! I'm on Atkins.
My family hates me.
My stupid friends kick me out of that stupid party They'll all be sorry when I invent the world best tasting cola and share it with no one! Huuh! a sign! Finally, a bar for men who'd like to drink and look at sexy women Welcome to Knockers, hon! Let me know if you see anything you like.
Read the sign, prevert! D'oh! I'd like a beer, and a sympathetic ear.
I got my own problems.
I just lost this eye last night.
How did it ever come to this? I am the first man to ever feel depressed in a bar.
I don't have a friend in the world.
Look at the size of that nacho plate! I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.
a Sun.
Hey, wanna split this? Wow, It's been so long since I been with someone who doesn't know how selfish pig I am.
Mine! Move your hand.
I get this! Hey, my name's Ray.
Ray Magini.
Ray, you know me better than anyone, how can I get my wife to love me again? Beat's me I'm no marriage counselor.
Just a licensed and bonded roofer Ray, will you help me fix my roof? Sure, I'll help ya! On one condition! You gotta help me finish this pitch of beer! Wait! Did I got it right? Now, for my first act as President Deal! To my new buddy! Now all we need is an awesome theme song.
one that replace that thong in the juke box! Deal! "Do that to me one more time Once is never enough " Next song.
Yes, that's what I meant.
- Yea, absolutely.
Homer, I woke to find an owl eating a mouse on the pillow next to me.
I think that's mean it's 6 weeks till autumn It means you'll have to fix the roof! Don't worry honey! I found us a Roofer last nite And you'll never guess where Knockers on route 98.
How did you know? I'm phsycic! Look! I do not know if I want a roofer who hangs at the bars.
Oh! You're right Marge! I guess I should look a roofers at poetries slams and yoga retreats High five! - Naah! I got standards I don't hand out hi-five like chicklets.
Ray would hi-five me Well, he better hi-five our roof! Yeah, Mom! - Zing! D'oh! Come on kids, we're gonna visit grandpa then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D I'll tell you what it means when it's over.
Hey, Homer! Oh, Ray.
You came at the agreed upon time.
That's what I like about you, Homer! Everything impresses you.
Impresses, what a big word! I'm gonna look that up! Aah! This is gonna take some work! Tell me, was the roof was in good condition when you bought the house? I didn't really checked.
I mainly bought this house for the view.
Someday that bowl will overflow and I'll be there.
ok kids.
.
we only have time for quick visit to grandpa So as soon as he feels loved we're outta there.
Hehm, he must've smelled left overs.
Please, we call them senior citizens! Oh, look! A dog? What a nice surprise.
I'm gonna pet you raw! Can we keep your dog? Please? Keep my dog? Until when? Not too long, just till we die.
Well, he does seem happy here Also, gendertatology studies have domenstrated that animal companion can slow the envitably decline Yeah, okay, thank you.
Why don't you find a parade and rain on it? Sorry about that pal! No problem.
Accidents happen.
One, two, three, four.
I declare a nail war! That's why I got into roofing! Homer.
Ned, you okay? Yes, but my mower can't get much lower I was wrong.
This is Ned Flanders.
There is one in every neighborhood.
Sorry, man! I gotta go.
It said that my kid attempted something well I hate the way these things cut off.
Goodbye, Ray.
Bye.
Oouw, he turned the corner.
No, I see him again! Homer! You drooling on my goodwill pile And why is the hole in the roof is even bigger? Do not worry.
Ray will be back any minute It's after 6! He's not comin back! He's a lousy roofer and a flake! Hey, watch what you say about him! I think Ray could be the one! The one what? My new best friend.
We think alike, we act alike, we finish each other's sandwiches I don't wanna hear anymore about Ray Tomorrow morning you buy some shingles and fix that roof yourself! Ray's not gonna like that! You're not married to Ray.
Well if I was, we have taller kids! I'm sure everyone's happier with Santa's little helper were here to love them I bet the old people will be acting like young people Like in that cellfone ads everyone hates.
He's become one of them! Hey boy! Wanna treat? We better get you home! Come on Lisa! right after paxed ajax! Ouwh! Geezzz Louise! You know it's too bad.
We've had that dog as long as I could remember What dog? - Who the hell are you? I wish I knew You know, son, my father used to take me to Johnson's hardware The old Johnson knew everythin about fixin' stuff When they built this place, he hung himself.
Oh, sorry son.
I wanted you bring me the stack of tiles from the top shelf.
Hey, Ray is here! Hi, Homer.
Look, I just came down with a case of shingles What's in the box? Hey, I'm really sorry I never made it back yesterday I hope we're still friends? Of course we are If you wannabe? I wannabe, if you wannabe I'll tell you what? Let me get a few more supplies and then i'll come right over and finish your roof! Hey Dad? Remember when you said if I used chainsaw unsupervised, I'd hurt myself Well, you were wrong.
I hurt someone else.
I have 45 minutes to get ready to the prom.
What are you doing? Why aren't you fixing the roof? I don't have to Ray's gonna be here any minute I'm so sick of hearing of that stupid unreliable Ray Who by the way, I've never even met! Alright then you can just look at the portrait I painted of him Homer! How'd you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that! Homer, come down for dinner! did you make enough for Ray? Ray's not coming! He is to! His truck will come around the corner, right now Right now! Right now! Now.
Now.
Homer, I know where Ray is Oh, thank God! Where is he? Tell me.
Sweetheart, your friend Ray is in your head! Ray would'nt fit in my head He is the human man! You have to understand Ray does not exist.
Yes, he does! He's on his way.
And when he gets here We will ever so much fun.
You'll see.
We'll laugh Laugh! Hey, What's goin on? Where are my shoes? Struggle all you want Homer There's nothing you can do.
Why Excuse us for a moment.
What am I doing here? Let me go.
We're let you go when you admit there's no Ray Magini Fine I admit it! Help me, Ray! Appearance strike them down! Homer, no one has ever seen Ray but you.
But that's not true Bart saw'em at the builders barn No, I didn't Dad! I saw you talkin to yourself Flanders, you saw Ray on the roof with me! Sorry, Homer.
You're gonna have to call me aretheist cause I don't believe I saw him Ned, are you ok? There has to be someone who saw him! someone who doesn't hate me, like Flanders and Bart.
Wait.
The bartender's at Knockers.
I called that bossom bar The bartender said that you were there alone.
Ray is the figment of your imagination, homer! You felt lonely and unappreciated So you made him up.
And here's the clincher Ray Magini is an anagram for Imaginary Woow, my subconcious is a genious! Well, that's all very convincing and He's right over there! Come on, can anybody see! If only they could see from my point of view I'm afraid this calls for electro shocks.
Electro shocks? Actually the technical term is electro convulsive therapy Well, that's a world of difference Light me up, doc.
When you in juice, can you hold my turtle? I want to bring him back to life.
ooh, what did he die of? I do not know.
He used to dead when I found'em Homer, that's just a bite on, not to eat! Sorry.
Give me the one that doesn't taste so good That was a rubber covered in vaseline Marge, write that down so we can have it at home If we can begin this treatment soon enough How you feelin, sweety? Much better.
Do you see anyone here, who isn't here? No, just you, Marge and Yogi Bear.
I'm kidding! Well I see your sense of humor's not affected That's a very bad sign Real.
Not real.
Real.
Real.
Sorry, homer, but recent historical evidence indicates that Robin Hood did not actually exist Fascinating! You kids can relax! Your father is fine now! Fine and dandy? Well his dandiness will slowly return in time Dad! Oo kids, I heart you too.
Man, I'm glad to be out from that electro shock table Although to be honest, I didn't enjoy lying down Hello Homer.
It's Ray! I see him again! Monster! You do not exist.
Hey, noone calls me monster in quest of my own existence The awesome power of the human mind I see Ray too So do I Well, I'm not worried.
You've agreed not to sue me about anything When did I agree to that? You did when I validate your parking You did'nt validate my parking Check and mate.
So Ray does exist? That's right! Now let's explore the improbable series of events that led to this amusing yet tragic farce on account of my eyepatch I could'nt see Ray sittin at the bar All I saw was you, eating and drinking and talking to yourself And Ned, you didn't see me because I was hiding behind the chimney I see, I thought my vision was perfect And yet, here I was worshipping false eyeballs Wait.
How come at bilder's barn I saw Homer talking to thin air? Well, that I can answer that.
I 've been tracking the tearing of fabric of space time which compliant with airborne pieces of metal at bilder's barn to create a mini blackhole this would normaly posed between homer and bart causing a gravitational blank which has absorbed the light reflected by Ray the roofer It seems feasable Wait, there is still one thing that doesn't make sense Why did you start to fixing our roof, and then just diseappear? That's easy! I'm a contractor! That's right! You're all crooks! We are all crooks, it's true.
Wait a minute.
I went throu alot of pain and suffering because of this little misunderstanding Somebody owes me big! Well, Homer I could make it up to you maybe a free eye scrapping That's a given There's something else! Something much more else! Homer, can I please knocked off? I have surgery in the morning Not until those gutters clean, you don't! So as I was saying, Homer Mondays, at 9 o'clock, CBS They say everybody loves that guy but I don't get it What are you talking about? I'm just now saying, catch it, while you still can! What time this show on? On Monday, 9 o'clock, CBS.
And on what's the network CBS.
at what time? And if I want to watch it, what day? Monday, Monday night And this is on the Radio? No, it's television.
Mondays at 9.
On CBS.
And if I want to see it What time should i watch it? On what channel? CBS.
What day? Monday.
On the Radio? Television.
Turn the television to what channel? CBS.
at what time? and if i want to see it on certain day what would be the best day to see it? It was only on Monday.
And what time would be good time to see it? from 9 to 9.
30 So if I turn my radio on at 9 o'clock No radio, television.
So is Mondays at 9 on NBC.
CBS.
CBS.
On the radio.
Television.
And we finished.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  The Heartbroke Kid
The Simpsons s16e17 Episode Script
The Heartbroke Kid
Somethin's comin', Sarge.
Somethin' big! Stay strong, men! The United States is due to win a war sometime.
Oh, good Lord, it's a Swingline! Medic! Skinner! Uh, yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes! Of course I do.
Happy birthday to you, ha It's not my birthday, Seymour.
You know I'm a Sagittarius.
Really? I'm a Libra.
There's a lot of compatibility there.
Skinner, be gay on your own time.
Today is the day we choose who gets the school's vending-machine contract.
I anticipate quite the-dog-and-pony show.
Sir, this school has a strict no-animal policy.
I assume these are hypothetical dogs and poni? Everyone likes a gumball machine, so why not a gumbo machine? Does your school nurse treat burns? Nope.
It couldn't be simpler! Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can, and I take the bus to the supermarket, and bring the snacks the next day.
Is that a yes? Kids want a snack that skateboards, won't clean its room and hates homework.
That's why we created Scarf-ables by Scammer & Z-Dog! These two spokes-rebels were invented by the marketing team that came up with Hip-Hopsicles, the urban popsicle.
Yes.
I saw those when my normal grocery store was on strike.
Well, here's what really seals the deal.
Slide your green into the machine and don't expect any change, dog! It's like a fundraising school bake sale with slang as the Saran Wrap! And a subsonic neuro-jammer disrupts the child's judgment center.
Fair enough.
I assume these snacks are nutritious? That's really none of our business.
The bottom line is, half the profits go to your school or camp.
You heard the lady.
Just sign the damn contract.
Wow, Krishna Krisps, Amazonkers, Lollapalollipops.
These sound like my kind of snacks.
Oh, Dalai Lamanade! Oh, my God! Look at these ingredients! Hydrogenated petroleum oil, monosodium poisonate, partially de-weaponized plutonium"?! Attention, duped masses! These new vending machine snacks are crammed with processed sugar, industrial byproducts and trans-fatty acids! Don't flava-hate, participate! The machine makes a good point.
Don't be a follower, be a snack swallower! It's fun to obey the machine! Way to go, dude! You're five cents away from an awesome beverage or snack.
I'm outta money! Willie, you wanna buy my skateboard? Why not? For once, it'll be all eyes on Willie! Look at me, I'm an American boy! Stairway! I'm getting the No, I'm not! Okay, I'm all right.
No! Ah! I spoke too soon! That's better.
What are you looking at, ya bastards! Bart, I spent all afternoon stuffing tuna fish into that steak.
Have some.
No, thanks.
The vending machines at school feed me now.
Oh, so I've been replaced by a machine? Marge, no machine could ever replace you.
Why, you're the Or could it? Oh Marge-bot, I'm ready for some lovin'! Why did I give her a gun? But I repeat: No one is being replaced by a machine until all the kinks are worked out.
Well, until that day, I'm still Bart's mother, and I don't like him stuffing himself with junk.
Oh, fine.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy and I feel like a-loving you love, you're such a sweet thing good enough to eat thing and it's just a-what I'm gonna do Ooh, love, to hold ya Ooh, love, to kiss ya Ooh, love, I love it so Be careful! My heart it hurts so much.
Like it's caught in a vise! My little boy's in love.
I think he's having a heart attack! Come on, son, you can fight this! Do The Bart Man! Do The Bart Man! Why don't you dance?! Dance! Doctor, little kids aren't supposed to have heart attacks.
They're supposed to skin their knees, and poke their eyes out, and be smothered by cats.
Well, Bart had a heart attack and it's his own damn fault.
These dark spots in his pulmonary arteries are malted milk balls.
His liver looks healthy.
That's a wad of Laffy Taffy.
Now, when Bart goes home, he's gonna have to follow a program of strict diet and exercise.
Damn it, I will not bury another patient! Doctor, you're a pediatrician! Yeah, but my head's been somewhere else this year.
The Itchy & Scratchy Show.
Okay.
We'll start with a routine stress test.
Bart, how can you laugh at that? You just had a heart attack! Yeah, but what does not kill me makes me stronger.
Wow, that was a lot of words.
I need some energy.
Hey, hey, kids! Heart disease can strike anyone, including heavy-drinking, chain-smoking clowns.
That's why I had the doctor install a zipper! The zipper's stuck! I should've gone with the button-fly.
I talked to Dr.
Hibbert today.
He gave me a list of heart-smart foods.
Ko-ta-hay cheese? Cottage cheese! From the looks of it, this cheese has already been eaten.
Oh, honey, please take this seriously.
When people used to ask me how you were doing, I said, "At least he's got his health.
" Now you've got nothing! Okay, Mom, for you, I'll try.
Qkay, now we know you're allergic to cauliflower.
But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you.
It's graffiti you can eatie! You get better, son.
Meanwhile, the rest of us will be going to the "library.
" Where are you really going? Milkshake Festival.
Look, you can see the booths from your window.
Today only, free milkshakes for ten-year-old boys! Drink your own weight in milkshakes and win a milkshake! I'd better tell Dad.
Lisa, take a picture of me with all the milkshakes.
All right, everybody, get in there.
Okay, we all in? Hurry they're melting.
Maybe Mom's the way to go.
Intervention!!! What the family?! Son, we're here to help with your Which addict-a-diddily-diction are we going after here? Overeating.
And if there's time, we'll get to my drinking.
But there won't be time.
I'm telling you, Bart, one vice leads to another.
And then you wind up like me: so jaded, the only thing that gets you off is free-basing ground-up moon rocks.
All this does is get me to normal.
Thank you, Krusty.
Once again you've delivered an important message wrapped in entertainment.
And I'm so touched that all of you would take the time to eat my shorts, lame-o's! Help! Kidnappers! They're not kidnappers! They're professionally trained child-snatchers, who are taking you to a maximum-security fat camp.
I'm not fat! Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, I'm facility director Tab Spangler, United States Marine Corps, retired-- but not tired! Guess how old I am.
Come on, take a guess.
I hate when they're over.
Even on the nose hurts.
He's just the kind of weirdo Bart needs.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, your boy is going to need one thing: tough luck.
Don't you mean "tough love?" Tough love? Of course, this has never made sense.
The sign shop guy lied.
Stanley! You didn't question the word "luck?"! Now look what we got! Thanks for the correction; that's part of the honesty.
Son, I just want to leave you with a piece of advice-- become emotionally dead.
Leave your body.
Make lots of friends.
Wake up, fatties.
Stop dreaming about butter.
Dream calories are real calories.
All right, here's how this exercise works-- you tow me around the track.
As we gather speed, I whip you gently, you state your name and tell me how you got so heavy.
Kent Brockman.
Channel Six News.
I gorge on kettle corn during the sports and weather.
We know.
Your side-fat's starting to spill over to channel five and seven.
I hope you're getting three paychecks.
Bart Simpson.
I'm just big-boned.
No such thing.
Growth spurt? Doesn't exist.
This can't be legal.
It's legal enough.
Jiminy Kimmel! Look how much they're charging for Bart's treatment.
That freeloading fatso! Marge, could you cut back on your makeup budget? I already use crayons for lipstick and fireplace soot for eyeliner.
So that's where my soot went.
This fat camp can save Bart's life, we have to find a way to pay for it.
Homer, maybe you could ask Mr.
Burns for a raise.
Even better, I'll ask him for my job back.
I know how we can raise money.
Youth?! I hate them.
Secondly How much is costed for stay night of one? How much is got, Wolfgang Schmuck? Let's see here.
I can offer you $50 a week.
Fifty dollars?! What about all the water you guys will waste with your bathing and showering and washing your clothes? Yeah, we don't is not a problem.
All right, try this.
As you scoop your ice cream into the trash, tell it you hate it.
Talk to it.
You think I look like what?! What's the vanilla saying? No, I'm not that old! Come on, talk.
Let's hear ya.
Here's the scoop: your Haagen days are over.
I'm baskin' in your pain as I'm robbin' you of life.
Bart! Son, I'm gonna tell you a story about a young man who came here and failed.
Well, that is the story.
I shouldn't call a sentence a story.
Anyway, it's you.
Look, I'm really, really sorry.
Now let me get that ice cream off your shoe.
Young man, there's something I have to show you.
In one hour.
We have to drive there.
No talking on the way.
It'll hurt the drama.
Can I just? Drama.
German backpackers?! You see, son, every family has to make extra income when they send a child like you to a place like mine.
You're lucky this is just a youth hostel.
We had one family who had to take in dry cleaning.
The chemicals killed their dog.
Well, that's what they told us in the lawsuit.
I don't see a dog living past 14 anyway, do you? They can't see or hear us, right? We're not the Ghost of Christmas Past, Bart.
They can see us.
If I were invisible, you think I'd waste my time with this belt-shirt combination? Excuse me, we're looking for Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson.
I'm sorry to say, this is their son.
So he's the strudel-sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments.
Strudel-sucking globbenheimer.
You need to think about that.
That's what the human race thinks of you.
Problem number 35 with America: no universal healthcare.
Number 36: no metric system.
What is this, the time of Charlemagne? Answer me.
Answer me now.
Oh, my God.
Come on, let's look for your dad.
Then if we have some time, maybe we'll look for mine.
Guten abend, my brave, Bavarian overlords.
The best wurst in town.
Here's your tip, Baldylocks.
If you want it, dance and sing.
Neunundneunzig luftballons Auf ihrem weg zum horizont Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem all Darum schickte ein general Das is good.
More, more! They want a second verse.
I hope he knows it.
Ne fliegerstaffel hinterher Alarm zu geben, wenn's sie war Dabei war'n da am horizont Nur neunundneunzig luftballons.
This is all my fault.
I'll never eat junk food again.
I swear.
Good for you.
That's what I want to hear.
It's time to take action.
I'll meet you later, son.
I'm gonna get the car washed and try to meet somebody.
Dude, you've changed.
Yo, I'm gonna cap a pop in your ass.
I'm ending your vending, Dog.
Bart, what are you doing here? I've learned my lesson.
Mr.
Spangler showed me the true cost of my junk food addiction.
But you're still fat.
Not for long.
I'm saying good-bye to Scammer & Z-Dog.
I've learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.
Did you hear that Foxy, the Fox Network fox? When I raged against the machine, money poured out.
Oh, boy! Marge, I know this is ill-gotten, but can we use it to? To give these Germans das boot? Jawohl.
Please to have new face cloth.
Schnell.
Time to take out the Euro-trash.
Oh, no, who will put up with our nonsense now? To Disneyland.
Where we will heap the scorn on Goofy.
Now, everything's perfect again.
Excuse me, I think I left my belt here.
No, you didn't.
Don't tell me "I didn't.
" That's my lucky belt.
Long story.
Good one.
Folks, you have three weeks left on a non-refundable weight-loss treatment.
So if anybody else in the family wants to use it, use it now.
But who else needs to lose weight? Maggie? Grampa? My seldom-seen half-brother Herb? Why is everyone looking at me? I am not too fat.
I'm alive, aren't I? Mr.
Simpson, you're suffering from P.
S.
I.
Poor Self Esteem.
It's not "I.
" Every sign is wrong! Oh, that's terrible.
We got a long drive ahead.
You want to pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Where will I sleep? We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed.
My goodness, no wonder you eat.
What are you eating now? Cheeseburger.
You're a catastrophe.
Let me have half of it.
I don't want to.
I just want the cheese, I don't want the meat.
I do want the meat.
Here's a corner.
Let me just bite it.
Don't rip it.
Let me have the whole thing.
You'll get some later.
You're a selfish jerk! I've smelled it.
It has to be eaten.
But it's my burger.
I'm driving.
I'll kill us.
Fine.
I'd rather die.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  A Star is Torn
The Simpsons s16e18 Episode Script
A Star is Torn
Call the police.
I need change for a dollar.
No change without purchase.
What's the cheapest thing you've got? A two-ounce bag of chips.
$5.
99.
$5.
99?! What a rip-off! Someone should shoot you! I was hoping we'd miss the 3:00 holdup.
I don't know what to do for dinner now.
Maybe we could shop somewhere else.
There's a farm stand next door.
Interesting.
It's like a corn dog without the dog.
Put whatever you want in this burlap sack.
You may not.
That's my baby carrier.
They so traumatized, I'm takin' them for a walk in they stroller.
Well, I think this family should try more vegetarian meals.
We'd feel better and live longer.
Vegetables, you've been promoted from side dish to entree.
I don't miss meat at all.
This portobello mushroom eats like a steak.
A rubbery, fungus-like steak.
Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby.
I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap.
Bart, don't use that word Crap.
I brought you some weak tea and dry toast.
No fair.
Lisa didn't get sick.
It's 'cause your bodies are so used to processed food, it's a shock when you eat vegetables full of vitamins, minerals and trace amounts of bug feces.
I think it's staying down.
It's staying down.
It's not staying down.
Wait.
Yup, it's staying down.
Oh, no, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yup.
No.
Yup.
No.
Yup.
No.
Yup, no, yup, no, yup, no.
Stop it.
You'll all feel better if you get a little sleep.
Now, close your eyes.
Where's my bucket? Hush, little baby, don't say a word Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing and if that diamond ring turns brass Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass Lisa sings so sweetly, and Bart is my pillow.
Everyone's good for something.
Looks like you guys are on the mend.
Yeah, 'cause we're through with vegetables.
>From now on, I'm only eating food that I know had a soul.
Hey, hey, kids.
Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void.
Then you were born to enter Krusty's L'il Starmaker Singing Competition.
Not affiliated with American Idol.
We've never even heard of American Idol.
The winner will be animated into an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks.
I'm-a comin', Krusty.
Lisa, you should enter that contest.
You've got a great voice.
It made us all feel better.
Thanks, Bart.
That's really sweet.
I think I puked up all of my meanness.
Praise the Lord! I'm on the road to recovery.
I hope we didn't camp out here for nothing.
It's like every kid in Springfield showed up.
Don't worry about the competition, sweetie.
Whenever I enter a contest, I tell myself I'm going to win because sometimes, if you believe hard enough, God cuts you a break.
After all, He works for us.
Our prayers pay His salary.
And if I win, I'll be on Itchy and Scratchy.
Ah-ha, en garde.
Parry, thrust.
Nicely done, Wind-dancer.
But seriously, cruelty to animals is no laughing matter.
You can make a difference.
Spay and neuter your pets.
And remember, save the violence for cartoons.
For details, log onto PETA.
org.
All right, kids, let's do this quick.
After this, I got to record 27 seasons of DVD commentaries, and I remember nothing.
Today, we'll pick the lucky children who will get to compete on the air.
I was going to be your celebrity judge, but then I realized I'd have to pay attention.
So instead, we'll use the Applause-O-Meter.
Now, let's get this over with! A-B-C-D-E-F-G How I wonder what you are.
Thank you.
I can't believe I used to date him.
Lis, you're a shoo-in.
Hush, little baby, don't say a word Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird That's gonna sing, yes, it is, y'all And if that mockingbird don't sing Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring That's gonna shine.
Shine Oh, it shines so bright.
Lisa, that sounds like a fancier version of the song you're going to sing.
And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime.
Oh, thank you for this angel, Lord.
This contest is moot.
A Li'l Star has been made.
When she sings a "C," it's a "C.
" Unlike a certain glee club I've wasted my life on.
I may not know much, but I do know talent when my producers point it out to me.
We have our first contestant: Clarissa Wellington! There's no way I'm going to beat her.
Why? Just because she sings like Whitney Houston brought to life? Don't lose hope, sweetie.
I'm going to write you a song so great, you can't lose.
And that's not just the beer talking.
Your father's in here, too.
When a man loves a woman Which one are you, the man or the woman? Questioning the kid's sexuality-- well done.
Here you go, honey.
Sing this.
How did you write a song so quickly? Much of the tune is plagiarized.
Now go, go, go.
I've been to Paris and London and Tokyo town But one crazy burg has 'em all beat hands down Jacksonville? I'm talkin' Springfield.
You can buy chimichangas Talkin' Springfield The chicks have big gazongas? There's tires on fire A guy named Apu And Skinner, and Grandpa And ol' Disco Stu.
Did I forget to mention you? You?! That's me! I'm talkin' Springfield where nobody sucks.
Except for Flanders.
I get it, I get it.
She's good.
Looks like they love you, kid, and the audience is always right.
I wish I could say the same about my stockbroker.
Ah, what do you jerks know? That's a quality joke.
You did it, sweetie.
No, we did it, Dad.
She's right, it was all me.
I really do like working with you, Dad.
Will you keep helping me? Of course, sweetie.
You and I are going to write and sing our way out of this godforsaken hellhole.
But your song said you liked Springfield.
I wrote it about Shelbyville, then changed the names.
Good job, sweetie.
Every time you hit that note, I'll shoot a glass with my BB gun.
I really appreciate your taking such an interest in me, Dad.
Honey, our time together is precious to me.
I didn't want to say anything, but I don't think I'm going to be around much longer.
Really? What's wrong? Well, Moe's getting a big screen TV in February, just in time for the Pro Bowl.
Maybe this time my beloved blue shirts will win.
Is it possible to get a green spotlight? Sorry, sweetie, we don't have green.
Let Daddy go talk to the man.
May I have a word with you? Is that green enough for you, sweetie? Cause I can make it greener.
No, it's fine.
Alas, my love.
You do me wrong To cast me off discourteously That's Cameron.
Girls go crazy over him.
He's cute, unthreatening, and his smile brought a puppy back to life.
Don't worry, honey.
The song I wrote you is so schmaltzy, it'll make "Moon River" sound like a farting orangutan.
My kitty died on Christmas Eve Daddy told me to be brave But instead of singing carols I was digging Snowball's grave God, I miss Lisa's cat so much.
All right, you know how it works.
Every week, we eliminate one contestant based on the votes cast by you,the audience.
Disclaimer: All ballots were lost and vote totals made up.
The first contestant eliminated is Katie Anderson.
Katie, you were the first victim of the Buzz Cola trapdoor.
Fall into the flavor hole! And the next contestant to be eliminated is Clarissa.
Yeah, it's you, honey.
Please don't cry.
Keep crying.
It's dynamite.
Sweetie, tonight, you were perfect.
Marge, Lisa and I were just discussing how to improve tonight's performance.
Now you're confusing her by telling her she was perfect.
Mr.
Simpson, I brought those Twizzlers you asked for.
My little girl likes Red Vines! You little! Mr.
Simpson, please stop! You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass.
Let go.
Get out of here.
He's crazy.
Hey, these are Red Vines.
Here you go, sweetie.
Daddy got you your candy.
Homie, I'm worried you're turning into some kind of super-cuckoo stage mother.
Yeah.
For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father? Would that be so hard? Hey, give me a break.
Living through Lisa is the healthiest thing that ever happened to me.
But, Dad, you don't need to help me by humiliating people.
You love sausage, but you hate to see it getting made.
I don't love sausage.
Then would you like to see it getting made? Dad you're fired.
Fired? Me? Everything I did, I did for you.
Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice.
You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.
Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at? The tires I had to slash? No one asked you to yell and slash! It's called schmoozing! Bart, you want to go to the video arcade? Hell, I'll even go shoe shopping.
Hey, come back! I'm calming down! We'll have family fun! Family fun! Hey, everybody, I brought a guest.
Someone who appreciates my in-your-face management style.
Smart move.
Soon the whole world will be lining up to suck my nose.
After I make my new client a star.
Hey, Simpson family.
How can I touch your hearts tonight? You're working with Cameron now? His name isn't Cameron anymore.
He's now "Johnny Rainbow.
" Mr.
Simpson, about that I'm not Mr.
Simpson.
That ship has sailed.
I'm Colonel Cool.
And I'm the captain on this rocket to the stars.
So, are you a colonel or a captain? Neither.
I'm both.
All right, I wanna teach you a little something about jazz hands.
Now don't stop till it's as natural as breathing.
Dad looks so happy.
Actually, I think your father's still upset about the way things went down.
Marge.
Bart.
Maggie.
Santa's Little Helper.
Lisa.
Dad, I don't want things to be awful between us.
I made you some cookies.
I don't think cookies are going to make me feel better.
Oh.
Oh, God.
They're delicious.
Oh, I'm so happy.
Oh, God, they're They're gone.
Hi.
This lighting's a little bright.
And , could I get a red wash in the background? Sorry, hon, this is all we got.
Who's next? We are.
Okay Morty, gimme a rose-colored spot, tight to mid-chest and an aqua background with an astronaut on a surfboard.
Sure thing, Mr.
S.
Lisa, at the end of your song, remember to look into the spotlight.
It makes your eyes twinkle.
Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome.
This is our final night.
through our Buzz Cola trapdoor.
Let us out.
Hey, you're supposed to clean this out every night.
What do you mean, talk to your shop steward? Now let's welcome the first of our two finalists, Lisa Simpson.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make.
I didn't have my usual songwriter tonight.
So I took a stab at writing my own song.
Something that expresses what's really in my heart.
Bernie, if you please.
I'm in the final two I should be happy.
But all I want to do is spend more time with my pappy Now that you're gone, Dad I miss you so much and your threats against teamsters And techies and such your management style is like Attila the Hun.
You were vicious, malicious.
But you got the job done.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
But please don't be sad.
You're no longer my coach.
But you're always my dad.
Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying.
Oh, God, that's battery acid.
Dad, you know the best part about this whole thing has been the time we've spent together.
I don't care if I win, just as long as you're in my corner again.
I always was, honey.
Look.
Cameron's about to sing the song I wrote for him.
He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: Don't trust people in the music business.
I'm a privileged boy.
It's great, I gotta tell ya.
A privileged boy.
My dad can buy and sell ya.
It really doesn't matter.
That you're on the list in front of me.
I'm gonna get your table.
Cause I always tip the maitre d' And then I'll go to Yale.
Because I am a legacy.
I'm better than you.
You suck, Johnny Rainbow.
I believed in you.
You sabotaged Cameron for me.
Sure did.
I'd do anything for you, honey.
Especially if it's easy.
Well, I think you're the sweetest dad in the whole world.
I'll always be there.
Not even death will stop me.
Now you're getting creepy.
How 'bout I love you, honey.
Good.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Thank God It's Doomsday
The Simpsons s16e19 Episode Script
Thank God It's Doomsday
Hey, Kids! I scream, you scream, we all scream for Haircuts! Mom, Bart and I have been talking You have? That's so nice! What Lisa's trying to say is there's a new kids' barbershop in the mall, and we'd like to start going there.
A kids' barbershop? But they don't have my templates.
Yeah, the templates had a great run.
But we'd like our hair to look like people hair.
I see.
Well, good luck getting to your precious mall barber, cause I'm not driving you.
Kids, wanna go to the mall? They're baking fresh Cinnabons which means they're throwing out the old ones! I guess I'll just cut my own hair.
Who wants their hair cut? Who wants their hair cut? Who wants their hair cut? Which side do you want your part on? Left! Right! Stab! Stab! Stab! You're the boss.
What the hell? Bart, you look worse than Aunt Patty in the morning.
And there ain't nothin' looks worse than Aunt Patty in the morning.
Next! Can you make me look like this? My bad-boy spikes! My good-girl points! Children, the mall will provide you a wide range of subjects, while I return some socks that appeared to be black, but were in reality a very dark blue.
The best photographs, or "photos", will be prominently displayed in the school lobby all year long.
After 'em! I love you, Dumpster-bons.
Dad? Big surprise.
The fat guy's eating garbage.
Come on! We'll hide in the theater! Well, I guess you didn't find anything interesting to photograph.
Check it out! The Principal's got a shirt wiener! Leave your body, Seymour.
Leave your body.
Left Below.
He Is Risen" production! I wish you'd come to church with us, sweetheart.
Church? I'd rather play golf on the holiest day of the week.
Finally, a character I can relate to.
I bet good things happen to him.
But, honey, with recent troubles in the Mideast and other ominous signs, the Rapture could soon be upon us.
The Rapture? Easy there, Helen.
Science has shown religion is just an old wives' tale.
I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm praying for is that you take it easy on our credit cards.
Oh, Mr.
Thompson what if your wife finds out? Hey, it's modern times.
Everyone's doing it.
Where did my Christian limo driver go? My pious husband is missing! The baby I chose to have baptized is gone! Mr.
Thompson, what's happening?! It's the Rapture, Shawna.
The Rapture.
The virtuous have gone to heaven, and the rest of us have been left below! Left below? Where have I heard that before? It's the title of the movie.
It's everywhere! We were fools! And because we rejected God-- tacitly accepting Satan-- we must suffer through the Apocalypse.
I thought all religions were a path to God.
I was wrong! Why did I put my faith in science and technology? Why did I choose to be gay? This movie will haunt me for the rest of my life, just like Cannonball Run II.
Marge, what if the Rapture is coming and I haven't led a good enough life? I could be left below! Sweetie, don't worry.
God wouldn't spring the Rapture on us unannounced.
He'd send us signs, like, I don't know, all the dogs getting on a spaceship and leaving.
Yeah, I'll bet the cats would be psyched about that.
Thanks Marge, you've put my mind at ease.
Now how about a little "rapture" for Mama? I could be the Rachel to your Jacob.
Okay, but it's tough for me not to think about their hardship.
Marge is right-- the Rapture isn't coming! There haven't been any ominous signs! Follow me! It's just not workin' out, Barry.
Yeah.
I guess I'd better study for the police exam again.
Good luck.
You, too.
Blood is raining from the sky! Hang on there, big fella! We'll save ya! This ain't personal.
I just love to scrimshaw.
Judgment day is at hand.
Can I help you? We're having a sale on Bible magnifying glasses.
Be gat.
Do you have any books on the Rapture? Yes, this one is 15% off.
I'll take everything you've got.
And would you like to take advantage of our Friends of Flanders" discount? No, thank you.
Here's a pretty little wig for Lisa And a handsome toupee for Bart! So, you still think I'm crazy for saving all your hair trimmings? No, ma'am.
Okay, then.
Let's get the rest of this hair back in the freezer.
Homer, you didn't touch your second dinner tonight, and you're reading books.
Word books! What's going on? Marge, the Rapture is nigh.
These books will help me figure out how nigh.
This whole deal is scientifically proven.
The Book of Revelations has 404 verses Add the number of people at the Last Supper minus the number of Filipinos in the Bible And you get Three million, one hundred and That's when the Rapture will begin! May 18th? That's one week from today.
A week? That's Seven days from now! The world will end next week! Spend your children's college fund! Thaw that turkey now! This is Kent Brockman reporting live from downtown Springfield, where overweight doomsayer Homer Simpson is predicting the world will end next Wednesday! Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk? Funny story, Kent It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's gonna kill you! Here's my angle-- there's no way in God's Heaven I should get into God's Heaven, but maybe He'll let me in, if I warn others the Apocalypse is coming-- as I previously shouted.
I see.
Well, we have 30 seconds left.
Any other cuckoo yip-yap? Here's one.
Revelations 6:13.
Just before the Rapture, "the stars will fall to the Earth.
" So all you hippies out there might want to for that one.
There you have it folks.
And if I can make a prediction of my own.
This weekend's Springfield Lettuce Festival is gonna be bigger and better than ever.
We've got romaine, iceberg, radicchio, and everyone's favorite, baby Bibb.
Even a few cabbages are getting in on the fun.
Homie, I'm glad you're getting exercise.
I just wish it wasn't crazy exercise.
Marge, in a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Dad, we love you, but we just don't think the world is coming to an end.
Yet.
A hundred years, global warming-- we're goners, but for now, do you think you could lighten up on this "left below" stuff? Well I guess this thing does look pretty silly.
Let's all take off our sandwich boards and watch TV.
Live, from Springfield Stadium, it's Krusty the Clown's Celebrity Salute to Specials! The crowd is abuzz and agog as the celebrity blimp approaches.
And look! Here is America's favorite waste of taxpayer dollars-- the Blue Angels! What the? The Blue Angels? I thought we were getting Charlie's Angels.
Oh, God! We're going down! I don't wanna die next to Kathy Griffin! The stars are falling to the Earth! Just as you predicted.
Well, that's our show for tonight.
I'd like to thank all the very talented people who broke my fall.
To all the fans of Los Lobos, mucho, mucho condolences.
Good night, everybody! Homer, you were right! That must mean you were right about the Rapture, too.
Yeah, I was wondering if you could help save my soul.
I've done stuff I ain't proud of, and the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.
What are we supposed to do on Wednesday? Lie naked on our roof? Cause that girl's school says I can't do that no more.
When the time comes, we won't be in our homes, because we're all gonna go here! That's Springfield Mesa.
It's 15 miles north, past the Warren Harding Memorial Through-hole! Exactly.
It came to me in a vision Or maybe it was a drunken haze Or, possibly, an ice cream headache.
Well, well, well, looks like someone's having a pre-Rapture party.
No, Flanders.
It's a meeting of gay witches for abortion.
You wouldn't be interested.
All right, everybody.
Pair up with a Rapture buddy who will watch your back through all eternity.
Chief Wiggum, wanna be my buddy? What's wrong with Carl? Trouble in paradise? Dad, please don't go through with this.
All through history, self-anointed seers have predicted the end of the world, and they've always been wrong.
But sweetheart, I have something they didn't have-- a good feeling about this.
It's all right, Lisa.
Don't go.
More Heaven for me.
Lisa's going! We're all going! Come on, Lisa.
No one in this family is being left below.
Wait for me! I'm a-comin'! Don't worry, Dad! There's a bus coming for you! Drive, drive! saved 99 minutes to go Unless it turns out that you're not devout Then you're gonna be left down below 98 minutes until we're all saved 98 minutes to go Wait for me! Wait for me! Okay, guys.
Get ready! We're just seconds away! You saved us, Homer.
I can't wait.
I'm gonna steal God's secrets and sell 'em to Satan! six five four I'm so proud of you, Homie! two one Good-bye, stupid Earth! There appears to be some delay! My watch must be running fast.
Wait for it Wait for it wait for it Wait for it wait for it Life goes on! Please don't go! Please! Please?! I command you! Homie I'd better start dinner.
Lisa, you still believe in me, don't you? Dad, if you'll recall, I never believed in you, not for one second.
That's my girl.
Hey, Nostra-dumbass, did the Rapture come? I can't recall.
In fact I can recall, and it didn't, and you suck.
Hey, Fatwad! Here's another thing you didn't predict.
Let's go to Moe's.
We'll walk and punch.
Moe, what happened to your eponymous tavern? Yeah, funny thing, that.
You said the end was comin', so I sold the bar to some Japanese businessmen and gave the money to charity.
Now them orphans got new skip ropes, and I end every day smelling like eel.
Cats are all over me.
Thank you, though.
You did me a solid.
Hey, there's that jerk who tried to save us! Nice Rapture, Einstein! Hey, you with the tempura, your arm broken? How can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel? Ten, 11, 12, 13? But Jesus was at the last supper, too! This changes everything.
Multiply by seven don't forget to carry the six, six, six Wake up! The Rapture is coming in half an hour! There's no time to waste! Marge, grill a chicken! No, make sandwiches! And some Kettle Chips would be nice! Original, not barbecue! We've got school tomorrow.
Yeah, school.
Forget school! We have to get to the mesa! We're not going anywhere, except to bed! But my prediction says You couldn't predict 6:00 at 5:30! Now good night! Stupid family.
Won't even come to my Rapture.
I went to Lisa's school play, which had serious pacing problems.
Three two one.
I'm wrong again! I'm nothing but a big, fat I was right! And there's the Earth.
So beautiful with your many rings.
Homer Simpson! Welcome to Heaven.
Now let's get you some clothes? I'm comfortable like this.
Yeah, well this is Heaven for everyone.
This is our nature walk, our pedicure hut, our state-of-the-art showroom, tonight featuring Los Lobos.
And over there is our water slide, that's coming next year.
It's gonna be super fantastic.
How come it's not open yet? Look, just don't use leprechaun labor.
Okay? Don't do it.
And the best part of Heaven is: anything you wish for you get lickity split! Okay, just for that, your room's next to the kiddie pool, all right, Mr.
Smarty-Head Exploder? So if you need further assistance, just call the front desk and ask for Andre, okay? Oh, sorry.
I'd tip you, but I don't have any cash.
You know you could wish for some.
I could.
Wait.
Before you go, there's one thing I gotta know.
What happened to my family? Heaven has a wide array of fine dining just steps from your room.
Have a light bite at the Pope of Sandwich Village.
Okay, let's see Earth is Channel 23, I think.
Why didn't we listen to Dad?! The worst part is I'll never see my Homie again! That's the worst part? Then I'm not doing my job.
I've gotta save them! Homer, what's wrong? Lord, you got a first-class-destination resort here.
Really topnotch.
But I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.
Don't tell me about family suffering.
My Son went down to Earth once.
I don't know what you people did to Him, but He hasn't been the same since.
He'll be fine.
And You could still spare my family by Pass.
Buddy, You just made Yourself a powerful enemy.
Hey, what's the big idea, pally? Why so crabby? Screw you, Dino! You squandered your gift! Squandered my gift? I made 68 albums.
I'm sorry, but Heaven isn't Heaven without my family in it.
What do you want, Homer? Just send me back to Earth, and put off this whole Rapture hoop-de-do for another couple of years or so.
But it's already started.
To do what you're asking, I'd have to turn back time.
Superman did it.
Fine, Mr.
Smarty-pants.
I will undo the Apocalypse.
Thanks.
Listen, could you do me one more favor? You want me to help you with your alcoholism? No, I'm in a good place with that.
Why don't you just take these pamphlets? Yeah, I'll definitely read those later.
Now, listen, if you could just see your way clear to Very well.
Deus ex machina! It was all just a dream.
What are these wings? It's just a seagull stuck in my back.
Dad, we've been so worried about you! The Warren Harding Through-Hole never seemed so long.
Yeah, I missed you guys, too.
Now if you'll excuse me Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord! It's back the way it was.
Tthis is heaven.
Hallelujah! Sychro par scarfo Team Simpson foromfr.
com
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Home Away From Homer
The Simpsons s16e20 Episode Script
Home Away From Homer
You're listening to nationwide public radio.
It's now 2 o'clock.
Time for "verbal tea" with Amy Levine-Gonzales.
Oh boy! This is what sunny sunday afternoons are for.
Today we'll discuss a dying form of Peruvian banjo music, with Dartmouth banjologist Stephan Withmore.
It's just, uh It's not that good.
- In our second hour, humorist David Sedaris takes a wry look at overcrowding in America's prisons.
Prison overcrowding? I've got a solution for that.
Oh, my God! USA! USA! But first, we're giving away tickets to the latest film by a acclaimed director Ladswill Klernt.
Her films are so lyrical! The phone lines are gonna be jammed.
Winner of the Romanian Film Festival's prestigious golden bucket Holy crap! Someone actually calling! Hey, I won four free movie tickets and it starts in half an hour! Free movie tickets? I feel like Roger Ebert or as kiss ass new partner.
But we don't have a sitter for Maggie! She'll be fine here, under the watchful eye of grandma Shark Week.
TV Shark is not a babysitter! How about this guy? - Homer! Howdy, Homer, you here for viewing my shampooing? Shut up, Flanders.
I need a favor.
Would you mind watching Maggie for a while? It'll only be until later! - Ho, sorry, but I promise to rewind videotapes for the poor.
- Come on, Flanders! Isn't that Bible of yours say to love thy neighbor? Why won't you love me? All right neighbor.
I'll babysit.
- Thanks, Ned.
Hey, you wore a bathing suit in the bathtub? - Yeah, so I can't see my own shrinky dinck.
Make sense.
Instead of video games, they have weird free newspapers.
Mum, am I a "butch" or "femme"? Honey, you can be anything you wanna be.
This theater sucks.
My seats are uncomfortable, the screen's only half of screen and that guy's eating an apple.
Would you care for a segment? - Yes.
What an language is this? Gibi-gabi? - It's Albanian.
But the producers added Mom, I don't wanna read, it's the weekend.
I've had enough, I'm leaving.
Oh, I'm stuck.
Why did I eat that apple segment? Sorry, Maggie.
That's something to collect, not to enjoy.
It's one of my humble figurines, he's scampered out of Parade magazine and into my nick neck nook and the well his little buddies soon followed.
You like 'em, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other 300.
How could this I feel so much empathy for those villagers.
They had to drink their own tears.
I was so bored I cut the ponytail of the guy sitting in front of us! Look at me, I'm a grad student, I'm 30 years old and I made 600$ last year! Bart, don't make fun of grad students.
They just made a terrible life choice.
Judas bear, you're not touching your last supper.
I can't eat, because my conscience is heavy.
Boys, enough of your shenanigans, it's bed time.
Ned, let me give you a little something for babysitting.
I can't take money from a neighbor, although business at the Leftorium's been pretty slow since that big chain store came to town.
You've got a big house, Ned.
If you need extra money, why don't you rent out a room? Well, it might be fun to be a landlord.
Land fella! There's only one lord.
I need a place to stay away from my mom's drying out.
Well, I'd love to help you out, but you'd have to be over 18.
I am.
Check out my ID.
Wait, this is my license.
- No, it's not, ya-hamp.
Well, I do appreciate that you've got a cashier's check.
Now, do you have any pets? I'm Katja and this is Viki.
We make much study at community college.
We're like here about the room.
We moved out of our dorm, because it was like coed.
Sometimes we saw all the boys in there Robes.
You poor thing.
Now I've heard about those robes.
Flapping everywhere Girls, welcome to your very own, Ned and breakfast.
Silly talk means yes? Here's your room, ladies.
You can catch some zees, while you earn those degrees.
You rhyme like Snoopy Dog.
- Well, thank you.
I know what we can ask Jeeves.
Why does he suck? Hey, a banner ad! - Sexyslumberparty.
com? - It's flashing! We better click it! Katja, do you think anyone's watching? - If they are, they will see us explore our sex without restraint! Hey, this is one of those dirty web sites.
- Two girls? Who would want that? You may inside come! I've got fine cappuccinos for Ned's pre-med's.
Flanders? That's odd.
I could sworn I just heard someone shriek my name.
You heard nothing! - Oh, that's better.
Spank me again with little boy's picture.
What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.
Scantily clad coeds? Why you little! I'll teach you to have a libido - Dad, look who's in there! Flanders? He doesn't even know what's going on.
Wait till I tell everyone about this, I'll feel important without drinking! That will be weird.
What a combination! Hot chicks and stupid Flanders.
And you say Mr.
Flanders remains completely ignorant of their .
kamasutra? Yep, and nobody's telling him.
Not even his good buddy God.
Boy, nothing is sexier than still photos in a girly magazine.
Sensual, isn't it? And the best part is, stupid Flanders doesn't even know it's happening in his stupid house.
It's my nickname, Stupid_Flanders! Hey, Moses, are you a loser? "Yes I am, Homer.
" How are those two calmly boarders of yours, Ned? Well, Mel, they're swell.
Oh, yeah.
They're just what my laptop needed.
Son, I need to pee, but I can't stop watching.
Fetch me a bottle.
Come on dad, I've seen you hit the toilet from here.
What are you two doing? - We're watching the latest photos from Mars.
Ho-ho, great stuff.
Worth every billion.
Bart! Turn away from that screen and look out the window! No problemo.
It's happening in Ned's house! Why would he allow that? Well, that's obvious.
He doesn't even know.
Come on! You tell him right now! Ned, Homer has something to tell you.
I'm thinking about getting a yogurt franchise.
It's called Plops You know what I mean.
OK.
Flanders, you see You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sold to Internet by putting pornography on it! Get out! Whole town is laughing at me behind my back.
I guess you're the only real friend I have.
- Are you kidding? Homer's the one what adviced us up to this sexy going's on.
Homer, is this true? - Ned, I had no choice.
It was just so funny.
The Bible says: "Cast your bread upon the waters.
" But all I got was a bunch of soggy bread.
Soggy bread - Don't say it Homer, this is not the time.
bread.
What's wrong, daddy? Well Toddy, you know how I said our friends are like the Canaanites? Today I realized they are more like the Midianites.
I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear.
that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.
Made in Humbleton, PA.
I don't usually make big life decisions based on things stamped on things that I bought at the garage sale.
But corn doggett, boys, it's time for a change! Dad, I don't think you realize what you've done.
You've totally humiliated the best friend the Simpsons ever had.
You're right.
But you know who the real victim is here? Ned.
- That's we've been trying to tell you! Ooh yeah What's this? Goodbye Springfield.
The Flanders family has pulled up stakes.
You have laughed at us for the last-diddly-ast time.
Last-diddly-ast? He is gone! And it's all someone's fault! Well Homer, you've given away the best neighbor of family could ever want.
But at least we have a chance to start fresh, so let's be on our best behavior, OK? Don't worry Marge.
I've taken every precaution.
This is so humiliating.
Well at least your name's on the bowl.
I submit, I submit! Hey, I'm Homer Simpson.
I live next door.
So, is that your whistle? - Damn straight.
Clay Roberts.
I coach wrestling, so everybody calls me coach Listen neighborino, I wanna start our relationship all from a right foot so if you need anything, anything at all - What jagoff left this here? Boys, we're home.
That's coming from next door! Don't worry, I'll straight things up with coach Clay.
We're good buddies.
We've played this game called "who can punch the softest".
And he always let me win.
Hey, Coach, do you mind turning down the music, my baby's trying to take a nap.
That's to bad, cause my twins are just waking up, dude.
Encourage me! - Looking good.
Feel the burn.
Louder! - You're God! I can't think of many more! Just say: go, go, go! - Go, go, go! Say it like you mean it, you wuss! Howdy, Humbletonian! - Picnics and pixie-sticks! I'll see your smile and raise you a wink and a giggle.
This town is sweeter than a cake made of pie.
Even the dogs curb themselves.
Everyone new begins here.
In the dimple department.
Can I start yesterday? There is one personal matter.
I'm afraid you'll have to lose the hippie lip.
Get rid of dr.
Fuzzenstein? I couldn't dream of thinking about considering I'll see what I can do.
Very good.
Until then, you can wear this.
Daddy, why did you have to shave your nose neighbor? You know what, I'm not gonna! My mustache has the right to life.
It's my body and my choice! This is for you.
Tonight, on celebrity chopshop, we sell the parts of Jason Bateman's Bentley.
What did you do to my car? - Dude, you've been chopshoped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Hey, you knocked out my power! How am I supposed to eat without watching TV? Yeah, something tells me you won't starve, ha? Ha, chief? Ha? When you gonna stop poking me? Will it be soon? Relax, dumb ass.
Oh, by the way, I borrowed some gas from your car.
You dumb ass! But I siphoned that gas from Flanders! Flanders What are you doing? Reminiscing, like a woman? Like a woman whose made the biggest mistake of her life! Homer? What are you doing here? Oh, I was just driving around the mid-atlantic states, ringing doorbells at random, and I just Who am I fooling with my awesome lies? I want you to come back to Springfield! Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again? No, I wanna make you a respecting stock.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I borrowed a lot of your stuff over the years.
Well, that is true, in fact - Shut up, Flanders.
But some things I could never take from you, your kindness, your gentle spirit, and your infinite patience with a big dumb jerk like me.
Oh Ned, I don't deserve you as a neighbor, but will you forgive a young handsome fool and come home? Homer, that's really touching, but my boys and I are trying to make a new start, and people here are little bit more my type Are there letters to pick up, or no letters to pick up? I can't tell, and I'm looking right at it! That tears it.
Boys, put on your goody two shoes! We're moving back to Springfield! But I have a girlfriend! - Now you got a pen pal.
So you see Mr.
Roberts, I really would like my house back.
Really, well that's too bad, cause I'm not leaving.
See, I like this place, and I've already got fatso here broken in.
Ain't that right fatso? Yeah, I am a little fatty.
You got me.
Now coach I've try to be a Christian and respectful, but I guess I'm just gonna have to point out your 200 000$ check bounced.
Legally, I still own this house! - Oh yeah? Tell it to the marines.
OK, I give! Why did you do that? I was begging for mercy! I saw my advantage and I took it.
That's what hero's do.
OK, Ned.
Get ready for your welcome home surprise! Homer, did you steal the organ from the church? Maybe, we don't know that for sure.
- Well you gotta take it back! After the party.
It feels great to look down my nose at everybody again.
Mind if I waggle my finger a little bit? - Go nuts! Flanders, OK, that's it, it's really irritating!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 16  >  Father, Son and Holy Guest-Star
The Simpsons s16e21 Episode Script
Father, Son and Holy Guest-Star
Good news, children.
This Friday, we'll be holding a school-wide Medieval Festival.
Medieval? Like Lord of the Rings? No, not at all.
Can't we just keep going forward in our textbooks? No! No, I've already assigned each of you a role in the medieval court.
Martin, you shall be our king.
I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand VII, Sire de Coucy! Tralloo Trallay! Not so fast, Nelson.
You're one of King Martin's guards.
You'll pay for this! my liege.
What am I gonna be? Black knight? Court ninja? Bart the Impaler? Bart, you'll be playing the village cooper.
What kind of a knight is that? It's the kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight.
Ay, caramba.
Well, this stinks.
But I bet Lisa got something even stupider.
All hail the queen! Now as queen, you shall be entitled to eat the same French fries the teachers do.
The ones made from potatoes? The very same.
My coat of arms is a Spider-Man couchant on a field vert.
What's "couchant" mean? Lying down.
You mean like you? Now, what's "vert" mean? Say it means punching.
Willie, during the festival, you'll be wearing these urine-soaked rags.
You're the village idiot! Now, allow me to apply this rubber cement to your face to represent the ravages of plague.
My face! What drunken call girl will have me now? Now, peasants, since the Middle Ages had no compact discs or Super Mario Men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot.
So, let history come alive! Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! Pelt all you want, but revenge will be Willie's.
That was a stapler! Dragon in the dungeon Maiden in my lair There's potions in my wizard's pot Now drink it if you dare.
Lute solo! Cooper! More pink lemon-ale! Cooper! Thy staves are not flush! You'll pay for this, my Queen.
Guards, take him to the tower! Where is the tower? It's the back seat of my Merkur.
There's 37 cents in the coin caddy and stay out of my diary! Quiet, my pretties.
Soon we'll have revenge on those who mocked me.
Also on those who were kind to me.
And on the parents who took time from their busy schedules to make today such a success.
I hate them all! Noble idiot, bring in the pie! I dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system: the serfs.
Scurry, me beasties nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! Milhouse!, don't open your mouth! This is no accident.
Nice party, dink.
You're responsible for this, Simpson! No way! I didn't do it! Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do, which I did.
Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool.
You are hereby expelled from Springfield Elementary! Boy, I can't believe you got expelled.
Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum, 'cause that's my thing! Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life, and you ruined it.
You deserve to be expelled.
I didn't do it! Mom, you believe me, don't you? Bart, I love you, but sometimes I don't love your choices.
Now we have to find another school for you.
And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the Army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire.
Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge.
Bart, this could be a good new school Oakwood Academy! Mom, that's a school for the blind.
Think of the leg up you'd have! How can we afford any of these private schools? They're all so expensive.
If we want to throw good money after bad, why don't we just get Grandpa that new pacemaker? I need two AA batteries.
Now! Get 'em from the smoke detector.
What if there's a fire? The smoke will wake us up.
How 'bout this one-- St.
Jerome's Catholic School? Catholic schools are usually the most affordable private schools.
Catholic school? That'll straighten you out, boy.
There, you don't just get bad grades-- you go to hell! My pacemaker! Classic Grandpa.
Class, we have a new student.
Bart, would you like to introduce yourself? Hi.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Ay caramba, do the Bartman, etcetera, etcetera.
In the old days we'd use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you.
Thanks for the history lesson, sis.
These days we use a yardstick! I'll show you.
I'll move 33 inches away.
A yard's 36! Now you tell me.
I don't know what they taught you in public school, but at St.
Jerome's we don't tolerate back sass! Stretch out your arms like our Lord on the cross.
Now hold these dictionaries.
Now, think what it would be like if you had nails in your hands.
Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up.
Wrong answer! Ki-ah! Stupid Catholic school.
Suffering for my hip attitude.
I'm the real Jesus here! So, it's sacrilege you're spoutin' then.
What's it to you, Irish? The name's Father Sean.
And I used to be an ornery wee cuss myself.
Until one day, after a drunken brawl with my dad You're just like your mother-- can't take a punch! I was laying in the gutterpickin' up my teeth, when Saint Peter himself appears before me.
Sean, you wanker he says repent of your wicked ways, or sod off.
Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight.
And that's how I came to the Church.
Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do.
Call me crazy, but I believe you.
You do? Course I do.
You know, lots of church types started off as rotten wee buggers.
St.
Augustine himself got his start stealing pears.
Stealing pairs of what? Hubcaps? Reeboks? Human eyes? It's all in here.
See for yourself.
Cool! Sister Thomasina, I've taken the liberty of knockin' the vinegar out of him.
He's all yours.
Yeah, whatever.
Now class, open your math books to the word problems of our Lord.
Billy and Joseph start their penance at the same time.
If each swear word brings a thousand years in Hell St.
Sebastian was a pious Roman soldier.
For preaching Christianity to the Romans, "the Emperor Diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows.
" Now it's payback time! I wish I'd gone to more orgies! This stuff is great! It's way better than the comics I get at the dentist.
Then Father Sean quoted Eminem in his sermon.
And in art class, we painted Saint Joan burning at the stake, and mine was the grossest! Catholics rock! Bart, I'm glad you had fun, but I wouldn't get too into that Catholic Church.
With all the sitting and standing and kneeling, it's like Simon Says without a winner! Mom, that's blasphemy! I'll say a rosary for you.
Don't you touch bead one! Homer, maybe we should be concerned.
Catholics can be a peculiar bunch: no birth control, no meat on Friday No meat?! What do they eat, light bulbs? Let's just change the subject.
Bart, would you like to say grace? Yes'm.
In nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritu Sancti.
Bart, what the hell are you saying? That's Latin, Dad.
The language of Plutarch.
Mickey Mouse's dog? No, Plutarch.
He chronicled the lives of the Roman emperors.
I didn't need that new fact! Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl VIII.
Boy, I'm pulling you outta that crazy school! I'm Bart Simpson's father and I'm sick of you teaching my son your time-tested values! Hey, what's that smell? We're having our monthly pancake dinner.
Care to join us? You've transformed breakfast into dinner.
It's a miracle! Log Cabin full of taste, my stomach is with thee.
Blessed art thou among syrups, and bles No praying to the condiments! Que buenos cake-os de pan-o! Oh, boy.
Oh, that's good.
All pancakes aside, I really came here to talk about my son.
I understand.
But can it wait till after Bingo? Bingo? That's my favorite game.
I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Bingo.
That's my favorite game.
I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
How 'bout you just say "Yay, I won"? Bingo! I've never seen such masterful bingo playing.
What's your secret, Homer? You have to cheat.
Listen is it true you priest guys can't ever you know? I'll admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges.
Celibacy?! I was talking about the meat on Friday thing.
Man, you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video.
Well, that's true, but if you do break a rule, you can always find absolution in the sacrament of confession.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No matter what I did, no matter how many people lost their pensions, it's forgiven like that? If you truly repent, then yes.
Okay, let's make some magic here.
I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted-down TV from a Holiday Inn I coveted the wife in Jaws II, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated eight billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future.
I'm clean! In your face, Lord! Not quite, Mr.
Simpson.
I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic.
Right and how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians? Well, it's a little harder than that.
It begins by looking inside yourself.
But it ends with bread and wine.
Homer, you've been out all night! And you look like you've accepted someone as your personal something.
Were you at that Catholic church?! Look, Marge, I know I was supposed to yell at that priest, but he's so cool.
He plays drums in a band with a bunch of other priests! I knew they'd try to convert you! That's what they do! Well, I'm not having another 12 kids.
Marge, no one is saying 12.
Nine, ten, tops.
See? Forget it! And you know, I went to a Catholic wedding once.
The incense ruined my pantsuit! Marge, relax.
I never heard of anyone getting so upset about religion.
"Local father, son may swith religions" Marge is here all alone.
I heard her son is Catholic now.
Her husband, too.
Marge, all by yourself today? Well, Homer and Bart are Well, they're under the weather.
Under the weather? Or under the spell of a man in a pointy white hat? All right, I admit it.
They're both at the Catholic church! Reverend, what should I do? Marge, this calls for an emergency meeting of the church's spiritual council.
To Stuckey's! Bart and Homer can't go Catholic! The Romans have been separate from us since the Schism of Lourdes in 1573.
And that was about our holy right to come to church with wet hair.
Which we've since abolished.
I guess it's good that they're taking an interest in spirituality.
Oh, spirituality's great, Marge.
Hey, I'm Mr.
Spiritual.
But remember a different faith means a different afterlife.
Marge Simpson.
Welcome to Protestant Heaven.
Through in one.
Poppy, have you seen Dash? But where is Homer and Bart? Wow! Up here, that feels good! Now dance, you heavenly gobs! I wish my family was with me.
Sorry, Marge.
They're just not our sort.
Well, then, I'd like to speak with Jesus.
I'm afraid he's gone native.
Stop it! Guys, I'm serious! No! Don't worry, Marge.
We'll get your boy back.
Excuse me.
That better be decaf.
The rim is orange, ain't it? Or does under-tipping make you colorblind? Her husband's sleeping with her sister.
Who said that?! So now, what do we call it when the communion wafer becomes the body of Christ? Yes, Homer? Transubstantiation! Very good.
He cheated.
He's got it written on his arm! Welcome to the jungle, Kevin! First Communion?! We've gotta stop 'em now! Once they seal the deal, there's no turning back.
Just like the Jews with their snippity-snip.
Bart, get your things.
You're leaving with me! Sorry, Mom, but this is a Catholic church.
Chicks don't have any authority here.
Mrs.
Simpson, please! If there's a problem, I'm sure we can talk it over.
Back off, Popey LePew! Marge, what are you doing here? Homer, you're physically an adult, and what you do in the privacy of your own soul is your business, but I didn't change Bart's diapers for five years to see him become a Catholic.
I thought there was a monster in the potty.
Let's go! I think we've lost them.
They weren't following us.
Then why did I drive through that barn? Why did you guys have to take me away? You're always nagging me to go to church, and now that I am, it's the wrong one.
I just don't think your father's the right person to pick out a religion for you.
Okay, I'll pick a religion for me; Judaism.
Don't have a cow, man Don't have a cow, man, don't have a cow, man Have a piece of fish, oy! Bart, we're here to bring you back to the one true faith, the Western branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism.
Hello, Homer.
Marge, you bring Bart home now! Once you go Vatican, you can't go back again.
It wasn't a fair fight! Your church suckered him in with gory stories, just like we were suckered into getting Cinemax.
Face it, Marge, Catholics rule.
We've got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby! Well, I'm gonna show Bart that Protestants can be hip, too.
How do you like those croutons! Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children? Shouldn't Bart and I be able to choose our own religion if we want to? Strange as it sounds, Dad, I agree with you.
Everyone should be able to choose their faith, just like I chose Buddhism.
Buddhism? Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.
I'll ignore that.
In fact, I'm gonna help you.
I have a pretty good idea where they are.
We can't lose Bart now that we're so close.
If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever.
Well, except for you know.
Now, Bart, isn't this the kind of religion you'd like to be a part of for all eternity? Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome-- hot off their conversion to Christianity-- the band once known as Quiet Riot Pious Riot! Come on, feel the Lord Heaven's your reward We'll get saved Saved, saved What's wrong, Bart? You love youth culture.
Mom, a religion isn't cool just because they've glommed on to some crappy rock band from the 1940s.
Hey, we've played more state fairs than the Beatles! That's right.
You just don't get it.
I've made a sacred commitment to the Catholic Church, and Paintball! Awesome! Die! Die! Die! Bart! I knew one of these dumb things would work! My hive! My trademark hive! Hop in, boy.
We'll show your mother our god kicks her god's butt.
Back off, you servants of the Holy See! Easy on the zeal, church-os.
I've got something to say.
Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities! He's right-- can't we all get together and concentrate on our real enemies? Monogamous gays and stem cells? Well said, mate.
Put 'er there.
My pleasure.
Note to self: have hand re-blessed.
Bart, you've thought of all with an important lesson Way christian has been negling over details for Bart too long Hey man! And I hope that from mistake forward, we all learn to take Bart's message of tons and understanding to heart.
We beleive the god last prophet Bart Simpson preach the message of tolerance and love.
We beleive tho holy Bart man preach the message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower Milhouse and pulled apart by snowmobiles, until he died.
Eat our shorts! Cow-a-bun-ga!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Treehouse of Horror XIV
The Simpsons s15e01 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XIV
Good grief, This candy's terrible.
Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card - You got all the good stuff! - And yet and I'm still not satisfied.
You thieving hussy! You kids have got to learn that actions have consequences.
Eat fire! Punks! What the I'm still cold.
Everyone please stop fighting and burning? Never! - Beat the lumps! Beat the lumps! Beat the lumps! - ÃÂ¡Ay, caramba! Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children.
The Simpsons Season 15 Episode 1 Treehouse of Horror XIV Treehouse of Horror XIV Pathetic humans! They are showing a halloween episode in November! Oh, still thinking about halloween.
We've already got our christmas decorations up.
Merry Christmas! [SPS Group(China)] [Thanks for the timeline made by SimpsonsTeam] [from wWw.
GreekTVsubS.
gR] Reaper Madness - I AM DEATH.
- Death? We don't want any.
I am come for Bart Simpson.
- Bart! Run like a wind(pronounced as waind)! - Mom.
It's wind.
Well, I only read it in books.
Why, you little Please don't take me! Take Milhouse! We all know there's no happy ending there.
Your time is up! This is for Snowball I and JFK(John F.
Kennedy)! - Cool.
- Dad, you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death.
Does this mean I'll never cancel the Jim Belushi show? - I guess so.
- NOOOOOOOOOOOO! A world without dead.
Frankie the Squealer, Why won't you die?! If I know I'll tell you, I swear! I'd better call my wife, tell her I'll be late.
If I knew this would take so long, I'd put on a TV.
Pizza! There's money on the counter.
No tip.
- Are you miserable bastard? - That's why I'm up there.
Death! Death! We miss you so much.
You were a busboy in the restaurant of life.
Clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies.
And you made NASCAR racing exciting.
Homer, it's trash day.
Will you just him out to the curb? I'll curb him without enthusiasm.
This robe is pretty soft.
Check it out! I finally found a dead guy's clothes that fits me! What? It's not My hand! What's happening - Dad! You've become the new Grim Reaper.
- No way, forget it.
I might occasionally kill out of anger, or to illustrate a point.
But I am not a Grim Reaper I'll reap! I'll reap already! - Jasper Your time has come! - Where's the regular guy? Where's doug? Never mind.
I'm death now.
I liked doug.
Jasper.
My dad's job.
My dad's job takes into all parts of the community.
He performs a valuable service.
But it's often misunderstood.
Like a vulture or the flesh eating maggot.
Would anyone like to see Mr.
Simpson harvest a soul? You said something about a hot meal? - Oh man, these seats suck! - Leave everything to me.
Pardon me.
Coming through.
Rest in peace.
You're dead.
Take a dirt nap.
Meet the worms.
- Dad? were all the people on the list? - I don't know.
Ok.
Who am I giving the finger to today? Marge Simpson Not this! Anything but this! Homer Simpson What was that first one again? Ok.
God.
I bumped off the loveof my life according to your defined whim.
Now release me from this ghastly vocation.
NO! - Come on! - Alright.
Hey.
Wait a minute.
This isn't Marge.
This is her fat sister.
Selma.
It's Patty.
Chump! I am too old and too rich to do this.
Thanks for not killing me, Homie.
Here's an extra pork chop.
I'm not gonna kill you every week.
Frinkenstein Hello? Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize.
The Nobel Prize? Finally! So it's for what? My whole deal? - This is Professor John Frink, isn't it? - If I say no, do I still win? I'll tell Professor Frink he's won.
- Tack fÃr att ni fÃrÃÂ¤rar vÃÂºr stad.
(Swedish) - Jumpy Jiminy! Great glavin in a glass! (gibberish) The Nobel Prize! They must've awarded me for my invention of a hammer with a screw driver on the other end.
It's convenient.
- Just for that? - It was a slow year.
Yes.
I only wish my dear father were here to see me win.
Is there's a problem with your father? Well, our relationship was never great.
Mother used to say we get along like positrons and anti-nutrinos.
Yeah, I'm geek.
I was always a disappointment to him.
You see, he was one of those Heman scientists who work on the atom bomb by day and slept with Marilyn Monroe by night and sold secrets to the Russians at lunch.
Last time I saw him alive, he was going to study sharks.
I don't want to go on the oceanagraphic expedition, father.
I get seesick taking a shower! Clean, but nauseous! Clean, but nauseous.
With the rolling and the heaving, and the you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.
But father, I - We never spoke again.
- Well, where is he now? Maybe, I can help you two patch up your differences.
You need to patch up more than that.
Does shark do that? Yes.
Hes was testing out a new blood-based suntan lotion.
You know now that I have my hammer-screw-driver, I could reanimate him, without the needless switching of tools.
Well, that's always tedious.
Annoying! I'm alive, with the breathing and and watch this radiator where my belly should be.
Oh papa, you're back! Now, we had to replace several vital organs with machinery, but that doesn't make you any less of a man.
Except you have no penis.
- In the traditional sense.
- So what am I? Some kind of a tin-can man from planet tomorrow? Sir, your son has brought you into the 21st century.
It's a lot like the 20th, except everybody's afraid and the stock market is much lower.
Polly don't like that cracker.
I'm getting me a real spleen and then I'm gonna vent it on you boy, chick.
It almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people.
Well, that's my dad, hehe.
You can't stop him.
Hey, Hey, 700 Club, you look like a healthy specimen.
Well I did finish first in the walk for the cure, of homosexuality! Say Ah, baby.
I'm dying.
And there's Heaven.
But who's that? Confucious? And Milton Berle? Boy I have been barking up the wrong tree! - Nice posture.
- Oh thank you! Mother always said: "A curvy spine is the double roller coaster.
" Hey! You can't have that.
Lost your spine, ha? You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me.
Have you stop to think about who you are hurting in this rampage? - The people like killed? - No! Your son! On the biggest day of his life, when he accept the Nobel Prize.
You are not gonna be there.
Oh dear God! I've let my organ lust come between me and my son? It's not too late.
You can still fly to Stockholm.
Well, it better be first class.
Comic book guy's ass won't fit in couch.
You may keep my posterior, just please return the Jaba the Butt tattoo.
("Jabba the Hutt" in Starwar) Stockholm, Sweden Swedish Auditorium Nobel Prize Ceremony Winners drink free! He explored the behaviour of individual molecules and chemical reaction.
She's the sexy star of Alias.
Please welcome Nobel Prize winner Dr.
Dudley Herschbach and Emmy nominee, Jennifer Garner.
You know Dr.
Herschbach, our jobs are actually not that different.
I disagree.
Winner of the Nobel Prize in Physics.
Professor John Frink.
Thank you.
This is a tremendous honor.
However I can't help being somewhat disheartened - that my father has become a (moronic golem?).
- Not any more, son! I'm here to accept the Nobel Prize for stupid.
Can you forgive me? Good glavin, dad, you've made receiving the Nobel Prize the happiest day of my life Oh, the hug is good.
This is what the Nobel Prize is all about.
The science, the love, and the physics we called quantum.
Ain't that right? People? What a great crowd.
You all have such big hearts and such big brains with large juicy dripping with knowledge heads! That's it, I'm going smorgasboard on these poindexters.
And I thought Halle Berry went nuts during her acceptance speech.
I wish I was death again.
That was cool.
Every brain unlocks more secrets of the universe.
Muffins are suprisingly high in calories.
The pyramids were actually built by Sears.
He's right! It all checks out! This is more violent than the hip-hop worlds.
You've got stop your father! Yes, but, how? He is 63 years old.
Pressure point here and here.
Room temperature is 22 degree Celsius.
Yes, this should just about do it.
Oh, Father, you are dying again.
But I can bring you back to life sir.
Son, It dosen't take five brains in your head to know that's a bad idea.
You saw I become a monster and you stopped me, like a man.
I'm proud of you.
And now it's time for me go to Hell Dead.
This is the most exciting nobel prize ceremony ever! I disagree! It must be tough to win a Nobel Prize and lose your father on the same day.
Oh, I didn't really lose my father.
Thanks to my latest invention - the soul catcher! Let's bring it out.
Look at it.
I maybe a soul, but I'm hungry.
Can you throw in a little mazzard.
Maybe a nice pizza pit(?).
Well, of course father, that'll make too sense by your brain desire.
That's a good shwandler Oh, I waited so long to hear you say that.
What dose it mean, is it dirty? Stop the World I Want to GOOF OFF Oh, Baby, did I find something that I throw out today.
If you like space in the attic, aren't you gonna be happy.
Cool! Comics from the '70s.
Superman vs Patty Hearst.
Evel Knievel jumps the Jackson 5.
Batman and Rhoda.
Check out these ads! Let's see, X-ray gum Ah, cool! - Milhouse, do you have your change purse? - Always! Four Weeks Later "Magic Stopwatch" - Here you go, son.
To stop time, click wath.
Wow, she looks like a background character in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
To restart time, click watch again.
What the Lisa, that's a filthy habbit.
If we both touching the watch, neither of us will be affected.
- Do you realize what this means? - Yeah, but you say it first! We can do anything we want! Lets get really far ahead on our homework! Wait till the other kids see we're already on the RED unit of Adventures In Reading.
Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two drink minimum.
Grand apple juice only counts as one.
And Ah, my slacks I can't go on.
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Dammit! I thought our mysterious pranksters might be here tonight, so I covered the meeting hall with ultraviolet powder.
Behold, the perpetrators! It was those guys! Come, let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess! - Oh, that was close.
- Bart, look at the watch! Milhouse, we broke the watch.
Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first.
Oh man, things are stuck like this forever! Well, I couldn't be happier, I'm the second coolest kid on earth.
Actually, I guess we can do anything we want.
- And no one would stop us.
- I'm gonna play naked basketball.
No, you are not.
- Family looks good.
- Thanks, I just washed them.
Oh, that keeps happening.
Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep up the bill.
You know, Milhouse, I thought I'd love eating only frosting and giving the Pope wagging.
But I miss being a regular kid in a real world.
Getting a hug from my mom.
Yeah, I thought I'd be happier if my parents back together.
But it kind of hollow.
Ã©'ÂÃ¨Â¡Â¨Ã¤Â¿Â®Ã§ÂÂ Alright, it says we can learn watch repair in 8 one hour lessons.
Ã¥ÂÂÃ¤Âº"Ã¥Â¹Â´Ã¥ÂÂ Boy, that took forever.
Yeah.
Well, I work better in a structured environment.
Here goes nothing.
Wait, when people see all the stuff we did, they are gonna kill us.
Yeah.
And I can't run too fast after 15 years of eating nothing but gummy worms.
I'm gonna quit tomorrow, I swear.
What we need is a scapegoat.
Ok, acting natural, and To repeat what I said a moment ago, you are so dead.
This kid is fun to hit.
Hum, why is Bart so tall? And shaggy? Just one of life's mysteries.
Like why is my nose jammed full of army men.
Oh, come on! Don't you get it? Bart stopped time with his magic stopwatch.
Jealous much? Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence? Let the baby have her bottle.
Ha, what happens, if I press this button? Sorry sorry sorry! [SPS Group(China)] [Thanks for the timeline made by SimpsonsTeam] [from wWw.
GreekTVsubS.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  My Mother the Carjacker
The Simpsons s15e02 Episode Script
My Mother the Carjacker
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) it's too nice a day to be outside doing chores.
Come in and watch TV.
Mom finally stopped caring! Don't go inside! It's a trap! Yes, she must have some kind of super-chore in there.
Like getting the rat out of Maggie's room.
I'm not fooling around, people.
Park your keisters in front of that TV! Now! (LISA SCREAMING) (EXCLAIMING) This counts as a bath! (CHUCKLING) The irrepressible will be buried as soon as his body is found.
Now, it's time for the Channel 6 Oops Patrol! This week, one eagle-eyed viewer spotted this hilarious headline.
Mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd.
This week's Oops Patrol T-shirt goes to Whom? Whom? Mrs.
Marge Simpson of Springfield! Ta-dah! Mom made the Oops Patrol! Hot damn! Bart, you're not at school, don't swear.
What an amusing T-shirt, Marge.
I'll trade you for a tote bag that says "Prozac.
" No, thanks.
I'm wearing my cure for depression.
Come on! Give me that shirt! I'll put you at the top of the heart transplant list.
My heart is fine.
It could always be a little better.
Honey, this is your moment in the sun.
And I couldn't be more pleased for your happiness.
(WHIMPERS) Why was I born? (STRUGGLING) Oh, T-shirt, bless the loom that fruited you.
(GASPS) Homer! Win your own T-shirt! (GROANS) HOMER: Gotta win a T-shirt.
Gotta win a T-shirt.
Okay, get ready to laugh.
"Cranford man missing.
" What's he missing? His pants? A train? Gimme a break! Too soon, huh? All right.
"Drought threatens to turn west into dessert"! Yum, yum.
I think I'd like some whipped cream on my Wyoming.
Dad, the word's "desert.
" And those farmers are suffering.
From what? Too much hot fudge? (LAUGHS) Come on, Bart.
Show me some love.
Don't drag me down with you, old man.
(ELECTRICAL SOUNDS) This is what happens when I go for six hours without sleep.
(READING) (LAUGHS) No.
(READING) I'll put that in the "maybes.
" I gotta get that T-shirt.
"World's biggest pizza"? Oh, my God! Marge, wake up! The newspaper's talking to me! Oh, relax.
I'm sure it's just your brain going crazy.
I wish! Look at this headline! Someone or something knows I love oversized food and short punchy articles.
So they hid a message in the first letter of each line.
See? "Homer, meet me 4th street overpass midnite.
" Wait a minute.
This is today's paper! That meeting is tonight! Don't tell me you're actually going.
Marge, I don't know what this is.
But sometimes you've just gotta go with your gut.
You always go with your gut.
This time, why don't you listen to your brain? All right, I will.
(UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain.
And away we go! (GROANS) Psst.
Hey, pal.
Hey, buddy.
Wake up.
You want to go on an adventure with your old man? No.
You have no choice.
There's coffee in the thermos.
This is boring.
Can't we go home? This overpass smells like urine.
They all do.
Fresh urine! Hey! The bathroom's a block away! (ZIPS PANTS) MONA: Homer Simpson? (BOTH SCREAM) (HOMER SCREAMING) MONA: Still my little crybaby.
I'll save you, Dad! Karate! Grandma! Oh, Bart.
Are you still a little hell-raiser? Yes'm.
Mom, you're back! Just like you were back before.
Then you left me again.
I love you so much! But it's so hard for me to trust you.
What the heck.
Give me a hug, you.
Homer, you're hugging a bum.
I know.
I'm working my way up to you.
Hey, gimme back my wine! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Sorry about all the cloak and dagger, Homer, but the government is still after me for what I did in the '60s.
They're probably tapping your phones and reading your mail.
I think the government has better things to do than to read my mail.
Most people write letters to movie stars.
This Simpson guy writes to movies! "Dear Die Hard, you rock!" "Especially when that guy was on the roof.
" "P.
S.
Do you know Mad Max?" To reach you, I called up my friends in the liberal media and planted that story about the giant pizza.
You sure know me, Mom.
Pizza was the first food he choked on.
Aw So why are you back in town? I saw this macaroni pencil holder Homer made me, and I realized how much I missed him.
I made this when I was five.
I had to do something.
Your pencils were all over the place.
Hey, it was the '60s.
(ALL GASP) Is that fugitive radical Mona Simpson? Yeah.
And that's Tokyo Rose mopping the floor.
Hey, Joe! Your girlfriend sleeps with Tyrone Power! Chief, I think we've got a match here.
All right.
Let's check it out.
But if you're wrong, you and Lou have to kiss each other.
Hey, Chief, I checked with the union.
You can only do that once.
Oh.
Cora, is there a back way outta here? Not for someone who tips 9%.
Fine! Right through there, Santa Claus.
Mom, I swear on your eventual grave, I will never ever let the police get their hands on you! Uh-oh.
You guys are damn lucky.
All you destroyed were bricks, mortar and attorneys.
Remember me as a drain on society.
Captured '60s radical, Mona J.
Simpson, goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the C.
Montgomery Burns Germ Warfare Lab.
For those of you too young to remember the '60s, here's our stock montage.
(ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER PLAYING) You bet your sweet bippy.
What a shrill, pointless decade.
During her years on the I am, Simpson led an exemplary life working as a crossing guard, oral historian, reader for the blind, listener for the deaf and reacher for the short.
Yet local villain, Montgomery Burns, seen here terrorizing children in a 19th century woodcut, insists that she stand trial.
Kent, I want everyone in your radio picture audience to know that this woman is a menace to decent people and germ warriors everywhere! End communication.
(GAVEL SLAMMING) Now, Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society? Definitely.
If you ask me, she's far less dangerous than Bart.
If it please the court, I would like to go ape on my sister.
I object.
Judge, sidebar? Very well.
Judge, do you have a little sister? Yes.
She used to call me "Fatty Boomalatty.
" I'll allow an lndian burn.
Thank you, Your Honor.
LISA: Ow! Your Honor, can you please focus on the case at hand? I'm sorry.
My wife left me this morning.
Now, I'm not a man who's good with words.
You gotta say something.
She's looking at 20 years! And my legal license expires in 15 minutes.
I barely know my mother.
And every time I see her, she's taken away again.
And when a man doesn't have his mother, he winds up like me.
ALL: Aw I mean, I'm due back in this same courtroom three times today.
Hell, I torched a blood bank! One cookie, my ass! Please, please give me back my mommy! (CRYING) Your Honor, there is no way we can find this defendant guilty! Although I will miss the jury room cold cuts.
And the Quality lnn more than lived up to its name Case dismissed! business center, workout room, an honor bar I was honored to use That's enough.
And Peggy in the coffee shop, what a pistol.
A mere nod in her direction, and the refill was in the mug! The jets in the whirlpool anticipated my every move when it was working.
And $3 for a local call? They should be the ones on trial! Oh, Mom, I'm so happy! I never want to let you go! Mom, I never want to let you go! I'm not your mother.
Look, lady.
Just keep hugging till we get to Mexico.
Mother.
Go hug your floozy.
Mother, she's right here.
She knows I'm kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich! Sir, maybe you could use a few huffs from your ether bottle.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Oh, man, that's good E.
Well, now that I'm free, I intend to be a better mother to my son.
Woo-hoo! I can be a little boy again! A boy who gets some on the side.
Baby! Now you're free to come back to me.
Dad, you testified against her.
I read a book that said women like jerks.
But the mother and child reunion Is only a motion away Oh, little darling of mine I can't for the life of me Remember a sadder day Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! (CAR HORN) (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING AND GROANING) Homer, this really isn't necessary.
You weren't around for the birth of your grandson.
And I want you to see it.
(MIMICKING BABY CRYING) Ain't I cute? You owe me a dirt bike.
Hey, guys.
I brought my mom.
Lenny Leonard? I haven't seen you since you were this high.
I can jump off the high dive! Carl Carlson.
I remember when you, Lenny and Stevie McGregor were like "The Three Musketeers.
" Yeah.
Poor Stevie.
They never found his head.
Mrs.
Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years.
God bless ya.
Welcome to your room, Mom.
I want you to stay here forever.
Homer, it's perfect.
Doesn't this armoire belong to Mr.
Flanders? You stole this entire room from Ned Flanders' house! Oh, well, you snooze, you lose.
But could I have my photo albums back? Now get out of my house! And so in the spirit of fence-mending and grudge-not-bearing, I hereby rename the Burns Germ Warfare Lab, the Grandma Simpson Peace Museum and Kid-teractive Learnatorium.
Grandma Simpson, will you be the first to sign the museum's guest book? It'd be a real pleasure.
You know, when I was on the run, I always had to sign a fake name, like when I visited a state park.
Indeed, how about a national park? Why yes.
I've got it all on this dictabelt.
Move in, boys! What's going on? Supplying false information on a national park register is a federal offense, which you've committed at every national park from Acadia to Zion.
You're going away for a long time, Mrs.
Simpson.
Or should I call you "Anita Bonghitt"? No! I can't lose my mother again! Don't take her away! (TIRES SCREECHING) Stop messing with him.
The man lost his mother.
Just one more time.
Okay, it is pretty funny.
(TIRES SCREECHING) Mother, you had me But I never had you I wanted you But you didn't want me Dad, I'm just as sad as you are.
What happened to Grandma is an outrage.
How do you figure? She was acquitted! Then they put her back in jail on a technicality! You're right.
People should only be let out of jail on technicalities.
Well, they're transferring Grandma to a federal prison tomorrow.
I say we hit 'em where they live with a candlelight vigil.
Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea.
We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison.
(SINGING) I fought the law and the law won Now just the innocent! I fought the law and the law won Now just the really innocent! (LAUGHING) I hope this bus ride never ends, 'cause I'm getting executed when I get off.
Okay, boy.
Flip through those highway warnings till we find one that'll stop that bus.
Next.
Pass.
Boring.
Aw Ha-ha, loser! Geez, pal.
Will you look at that? (TIRES SCREECHING) (GUARDS COUGHING) Homer, what on earth are you doing? Mom, I love you.
I can't let you go to prison.
Who's the wheelman, granny? It's my son, Homer.
ALL: Aw Oh, isn't he darling? He's a big one.
Oh, stop it.
Take care, ladies.
I'm sure you can make it back to the prison on your own.
We will.
You're all right, Donut Breath.
You're like the son I never killed.
Mom, I'm gonna hide you where there's no one around for miles.
Disney's California Adventure.
(SIRENS BLARING) BOTH: D'oh! Homer, get out now and no one will ever know you're involved.
No! You're my mother, and I won't leave you! If you stay here, you'll be abandoning your family the way I abandoned you.
Yeah.
That did mess me up pretty bad.
But I'm not gonna leave you! I see you've made your choice.
I love you, Homer.
(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING) That's lucky.
(SCREAMS) Brambles! Briars! Nettles! Thorns! Granny to the Man.
Granny to the Man.
This is "the Man.
" "I think it'd be a gas if you turned that magic bus around" "and kept on truckin' to our pig pad.
" I don't know what you're saying.
But I am not turning back.
Then listen to me, lady.
The only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box or a funicular.
What about a hot air balloon? Pipe down, Jules Verne.
Go, Mom! You can do it! No! There's still air in that bus.
So for the next five minutes, this is a rescue mission.
(EXPLOSION) Make that a salvage mission.
(RUMBLING) Okay, everyone take some free time, and we'll see you tomorrow at 10:00.
Grandma, you'll always be an inspiration to me.
You taught me a criminal can evade the law well into old age.
Thanks for the meatloaf recipe, I claim it as my own.
Mona, I'll always remember raspberry trolley cars.
Because my mind is shot.
Your last act as a mom was to make me a better dad.
But at least now, I'll never lose you again.
(TIRES SCREECHING) Look out! (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) Homer, it's 2:00 in the morning.
I couldn't sleep because I thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles.
They never did find her body.
Then what was in the coffin? Last week's garbage.
I missed the pickup date.
But it doesn't matter, because my mom is alive! See? I am o Kay.
Get it? "L am okay.
" Okay, Homie.
If it makes you feel better, I think your mom's all right, too.
Hey, as long as we're thinking about her, Grandma's still alive.
Come on, big guy.
This'll help you get to sleep.
MONA: Homer, your mother loves you.
I escaped from the bus the moment before it plunged off the cliff.
I then hitched a ride from a nice young couple.
We had lunch at a lovely diner.
They had clam chowder, Rhode Island-style.
I never knew there was such a thing.
And the crackers kept on coming.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  The President Wore Pearls
The Simpsons s15e03 Episode Script
The President Wore Pearls
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (CAMERA MACHINERY WHIRRING) Oh, boy! Casino night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.
I really shouldn't be here.
I have a problem with games of chance.
I played Candy Land with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
Aw, Marge.
I bet you've gotten that out of your system.
Bet? System? Betting system? God is telling me to gamble! (PEOPLE PROTESTING) Hey! Hey! Hey! Deal.
Hit me, hit me, hit me.
Busted.
(WHIMPERS) Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night.
My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism.
So relax, have fun and please God don't piss me off.
Congratulations, Mr.
Student Body President.
Your Casino Night is a huge success.
Thanks, Principal Skinner.
I got the idea from an episode of Saved by the Bell.
It was always on too late for me.
I'll put everything on lucky 17.
(REPEATING) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh Woo-hoo! And the winner is 17! I win! This is it, baby.
First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One.
Ohhh! I'd like to cash in these chips.
Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.
Sir, this casino is for charity.
These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.
I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you! But I'm up $200,000.
Give me my money! Think I won't manhandle a little boy? You don't understand.
It's not real money.
None of these people have won any money.
What? Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday.
(MILHOUSE SCREAMING) Look at me! I'm a big man! But I break just like a little girl.
Well, this was a disaster.
I should've known.
The same thing happened on Saved by the Bell.
Care for a milk? No, thank you.
Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.
I'll have that milk now.
Easy there.
That's whole milk.
I'm a private citizen now! I can drink what I like! You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore! (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I guess we're gonna need a new student body president.
We're from Acme Amusement Rental.
We're looking for Principal Skinner.
Uh.
Yes, we all are.
Whoo! (HUMMING) Oh! Hey, student body president! Ah! I can join past presidents like Otto, or Krusty Nelson, you're running for president? I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do have all the answer keys to every test.
(ALL CHEERING) Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving.
Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate license exam.
My ticket to freedom! (CHANTING) Nelson! Nelson! I'm doomed.
(SIGHING) I can't beat Nelson.
Why don't you start a rumor that he's ding-a-ling-a-ling, hello! (GIGGLING EFFEMINATELY) What a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata! I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me.
(VOCALIZING EFFEMINATELY) Honey, you could be popular.
You've just gotta be yourself in a whole new way! No.
I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration.
Fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options.
(LISPING) My name is Nelson.
I use a salad fork.
La-dee-dah! I wash my face! Where did you get that tutu? Clothesline.
(GIGGLING) And we deserve a French teacher who actually speaks French! (SPEAKING FRENCH) What is she yakkin' about? I rest my case.
(SCATTERED COUGH) Nelson, rebuttal? Yo, everyone, it's me, Nelson! (ALL CHEERING) (CHANTING) Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! (SINGING) I'm not that cool I don't wear jeans I've polished an apple or two But every grade that I grubbed I grubbed it for you So call me Bookworm But I'll never squirm when there's work to be done Yes, I'll take my lunch at my desk While you're all outside having fun Don't vote for me kids of Springfield Unless you want an effective leader I'll talk to teachers I'll handle Skinner A vote for Lisa makes you the winner Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Hey, I've got a song, too.
(SINGING) I am Iron Man! (PLAYING AIR GUITAR) Vote for me! Ah, screw it.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Skinner Sucks.
" Skinner! I'm worried.
This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself.
She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.
Yeah.
The students will do anything she says.
She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.
Yes.
Well, we've got to find a way to control her.
Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you've hired has some sort of toxin in his shack.
Yes.
Hello, Willie.
Well, if you ask me, a woman's weakness is her sense of vanity.
Vanity? You might have something there, Edna.
So when's my inauguration? Hmm.
Let's see.
When hell freezes over, tough guy.
You wanted to see me? Actually, Lisa, I wanted you to see you.
You're our president now.
But you look like the First Lady of Yawn.
What would you change? (SINGING) Eyes, pearls, smile hair points, dress, voice shoes, Swatch watch I may be the new girl But you can't brainwash me Just OshKosh B'Gosh me And then leave me be To fight for kid power I must be heard not seen I have to lead wisely Not just primp and preen Nails, dimples ears, scrunchie Purse, lunchbox teeth, Milhouse This outing up suits me There's beauty within me So let's Olsen twin me Give them someone to love This grownup makeover Has made me a super tween For they are my people and I am their queen Oh, Lisa.
You look so successful.
Like you're the wife of a businessman.
I wish I'd married a businessman.
Then I'd have nice things.
Well, it's a little over the top.
But there's no reason I can't look good and take back the playground from the gypsies.
(PLAYING FOLK TUNE) ls our Frisbee now.
Hey, Lisa! Can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.
Make it snappy, Milhouse.
I've got an important meeting in the Teachers' Lounge.
The Teachers' Lounge.
Is it true they make fun of students in there? Oh, don't be silly.
WILLIE: Look at me.
I'm Milhouse.
I tuck my shirt into me underpants.
(ALL LAUGHING) WILLIE: I've got no friends.
So I confide in Willie.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY) Oh, that's good Oh, hello, Lisa.
We were just discussing Vasco da Gama.
Well, I have some ideas for ways we can improve the classroom experience.
We need to get teachers more involved.
Have them meet with struggling kids in the morning before school.
Fine.
I'll come in early to meet with students.
And I'll have hypnotherapy when? Or we could hand out teachers' home phone numbers so kids can call them whenever they have questions.
I've got a question.
You're crazy.
Look, in the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance.
Outstanding notions.
Each more implementable than the last.
It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them.
Here's your schedule for the day.
"Photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots.
" "Move the brush fire hazard needle"? Shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy? Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed.
Don't hide your light in a smoky back room making dusty old decisions.
(GIGGLING) Well, I am proud of my light.
But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall.
(GASPING) Use it anytime you like.
You mean I can come to the school after hours? Weekends? Even during the summer? Yes.
It's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder.
Just sign these authorization forms and you can be on your way.
(CHUCKLES) That little girl should learn to read things before she signs them.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if I should read what I just signed.
No.
Just standard key release boilerplate.
Okay.
Boy, she'll believe anything.
"Key release boilerplate"? I find that very hard to believe.
Mmm-hmm.
And yet there it is.
I'll just lock this door.
Boy, this key opens everything.
(GROANS) And then as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.
I'm so proud of you, Lisa.
What? You're like Geraldine Ferraro.
Except you won where she failed miserably.
Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am gonna be the best school president ever! (SLOW APPLAUSE) (SARCASTICALLY) Bravo, Lisa.
Bravo.
Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.
I was being sarcastic.
You were? (SARCASTICALLY) No, I was being sincere.
Oh, I'm so confused.
Lise, Skinner is using you like a pawn on his unholy chess set.
On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) I'm so happy with my evil plan Say goodbye to music gym and art Soon we will have the perfect school Where fun and excitement never start I'm so drunk I can barely see But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay Lisa is a fool I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool SEYMOUR: Mmm! Not a cloud in the sky.
A perfect day to unveil Operation S.
L.
A.
A.
A.
M.
So Long Athletics, Art, and Music.
Care for a t-shirt? T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"? (EMBARRASSED LAUGH) Forgive me, sir.
(GASPING) They've taken everything.
Oh, no.
(WEEPING) Look what they've done to my triangle.
(PANTING) I'm doing it! I'm almost to the top! Hello, self-esteem! Repo man! Ahhh! Ow! (LAUGHS) I love this job.
"All extra-curricular activities are hereby canceled," "to be replaced by nothing!" (ALL GASPING) Who would sign such an order? "As ordered by Principal Skinner" "and approved by Student Body President Lisa Simpson!" (ALL GASPING) And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance! I would've gone with you.
Well, you still can! Well, I don't feel like it now.
Oh! That's cool.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
(RUMBLING) Look, they're taking away the art room! I'll be cooking my Lean Cuisine in your kiln tonight! (LAUGHING EVILLY) (SINGING) What have I done? What they wanted you to Skinner betrayed me But a tango takes two I almost had a date.
I've gotta tell Willie about this.
(IN A SING-SONG VOICE) Lisa is a sellout.
Lisa is a sellout.
Lisa, what's a sellout? With the band gone, how will I know who to beat up? They eliminated English for Fat Kids! Okay, you'll do! Lise, you made this school even worse.
And it wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.
They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name.
Lisa, you've got to stand up to these guys.
And when you do, people will remember you.
Just look at these postage stamps.
There's Bugs Bunny, Fat Elvis, Autumn in New England, Bats of the Southwest, all heroes.
Do you want to see Elvis kiss a bat? (MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here.
I want to kiss you.
(KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me.
You tricked me into betraying my fellow students! Lisa, student government is meaningless.
Look at your constitution.
It's written on the back of a place mat.
And not a good place mat.
It's from someplace called "Doodles.
" I see.
Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school? I can't see the harm.
I hereby resign as your president.
And for my last act I call a general student strike effective immediately! Gimme that! Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined unless all of you do it.
Then I'm stymied.
(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Strike! Lisa, please help me lure them back.
I had to do what I did.
Our budget is stretched tighter than Mother's sauna pants.
Seymour! Quit using me in analogies.
Yes, Mother.
Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art! What about gym? Meh.
(CHANTING) Hey, hey, Seymour S.
Nurture our well-roundedness! Sneeze, puke, burp, fart, we want music, gym, and art! Why didn't I cancel Sign Making and Creative Chanting? Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs? Would you be willing to pay an extra $1 .
23 in taxes to fund them? No way! I'm saving for a speedboat.
(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble-making I expect from your brother.
You do? Cool.
A blank check for mayhem.
Mom, I was elected to make this a better school.
Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym? They've taken away our crepe paper.
Those Fudruckers! (SIRENS WAIL) Oh, no.
They heard me.
Remember, boys.
These are little kids.
So take out your tiny batons.
(CHUCKLES) Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen.
Don't you ever feel like the mayor doesn't care about you? You mean, the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread (SOBS SOFTLY) Sit down, boys! We're joining this strike! Chief, are you sure the mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you? Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I? Yes, Chief, you could.
Well, let me ask you this.
Shut up.
The Springfield student strike has entered its fourth day with no end in sight.
Today professional buttinski Michael Moore arrived on the scene.
Kids who don't get to take music and art are 10% more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies.
Where did you get that statistic? Your mother! The student strikers have been joined by other unions including the Springfield Goat Milkers, the Association of News Room Cue Card Holders Ow.
And the United Federation of Theme Park Zombies.
Zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice.
At the heart of the strike is former student body president, Lisa Simpson.
Her brother had this to say.
Lisa is a nut.
She has a rubber butt.
Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt.
Indeed.
But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.
It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.
Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school! Willie, can't you turn your hose on them? They are wee children.
I'd sooner turn it on myself.
Well, that's a good idea, too.
Now see here, you nose-wiping hair-combers! Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike.
All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top.
Then one day the mine collapsed.
No one made it out alive.
Not even Willie! Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die.
You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.
Yes.
In fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.
If we stand together, we are strong! (ALL CHEERING) Lisa Simpson, you have just been transferred to the Springfield Magnet School for the Gifted and Troublesome.
Please climb into the idling bus.
But, but I (SINGING) Poor Lisa Poor Lisa Don't cry for me kids of Springfield You can still reach me through e-mail at Smart Girl 63 underscore back slash at Yahoo dot com, at Yahoo dot com (SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh, this place is paradise! Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all.
Just like my last massage.
I'm not driving You can't go to that school! But this is my dream.
Oh, why can't you have a normal dream like being an Olympic figure skater? Okay.
Let me take figure skating.
Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at 6:30 every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me.
LISA: Well, what can I be? HOMER: I don't know.
How about a horse whisperer? LISA: Okay! HOMER: Over my dead body! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  The Regina Monologues
The Simpsons s15e04 Episode Script
The Regina Monologues
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) Look, Smithers.
Crackle-berries! Spot me a federal, will you? Sir, I've spotted you over $100,000 this year.
Perhaps you could carry your own money.
(LAUGHING) Money is for the poor.
Why don't you use your ATM card? Ah! Yes.
The automated teller machine-eola-trola-maton.
(GRUNTING) Oh, Smithers, guide me in.
My pleasure, sir.
Smithers, what's my password? It's your age, sir.
Excellent.
Let's see.
What's the smallest amount of money I can think of? A thousand dollars! Oh! Oh! My moolah! It's escaping my clutches! (BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads.
Commence fighting! Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault.
Don't make it murder! Ignore.
Ignore.
ANNOUNCER: You are a big man.
Big man! (GASPS) What? There's a ladybug in your hair.
Get it out! Get it out! Got it.
You're a good friend, Bart.
The best you'll ever have.
$1,000.
Do you know how much furniture we could rent with this? You'll rent nothing! This money is mine.
I found it.
Which means someone lost it.
You'll have to put up flyers and see if anyone claims it.
(BOTH GASPING) Marge, this is why people don't tell you things.
(CHUCKLING) Well, we put up a flyer.
Let's see someone claim that money now.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, what does that flyer say? What if it's for guitar lessons? We must know! I'm on it.
Uh-oh! You know the drill.
Try to land on my back-fat.
Can you describe the bill? Describe? Sure.
Of course.
Whose picture's on it? It would have to be somebody famous.
I'm gonna say, Hitler.
Next.
Does the bill have bank teller blood on it? No, it doesn't.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
That's the last of them.
You did the right thing, Bart.
And now you can keep the money.
Sweet.
What am I gonna do with $1,000? (SINGING) It's Bart's moon party from outer space With R2-D2 playing the bass Hmm.
No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres.
(IN SING-SONG) it's Bart's moon party from outer space What? Bart, why don't you spend the money on something for Mom? She does so much for us.
Well, someday I'd like to go on a nice vacation.
We've gone on plenty of great vacations.
Yeah.
But you always wind up kidnapped or on a chain gang.
And I don't even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon.
HOMER: I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged.
Oh, forget it.
Bart, don't waste your money on me.
(SIGHING) Great, lady.
MILHOUSE: Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie.
I completely buy the illusion of shadow.
This must be worth like a million dollars! (CLOCK DINGS) Time's up.
Beat it, do-rags.
I want to see it some more.
If you let me keep looking at it, I'll give you a quarter.
Hmm.
This gives me an idea.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL GASPING IN ADMIRATION) What's all this other stuff? Hey, I'm charging five bucks to get in.
They deserve to see the boy behind the bill.
Bart, that exhibit over there is biased, insensitive, and anti-feminist! Ugh! You can't whitewash history, Lise.
What do I get if I join the museum as a "Friend of Bart"? A subscription to BARTFORUM Magazine, and Bart will say "Eat my shorts" on your home answering machine.
How much to have Bart crank call me? (CHUCKLING) That would be hilarious.
That's just me, though.
You know, I love to laugh.
Young man, I believe you have something that belongs to me.
Prove it, Bony Curtis.
When the errant bill struck my chest, it left a distinctive bruise.
Had my heart been inside at the time, it could've been fatal.
BART: it's a perfect match! Yoink! (SCOFFS) Without that bill, this ain't a museum.
The Hard Rock Cafe in Phoenix has better crap.
I'm recycling this pin in disgust! Bart, your museum took in over $3,000.
Finally, I can get what I've always wanted.
A used Toyota.
Bart, I don't care what Mom said.
I think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation.
Well Okay.
For Mom, I'll do it.
Where should we go? Well, I'd like to return to Brazil, but I hear the monkey problem is even worse now.
I wanna go to England.
How come? Back in 1944, I was stationed over there.
And I met a beautiful girl.
Edwina, my slowly opening flower, I'm shipping out in the morning.
Won't you make this night memorable? Anything for you, my brave Yank.
EDWINA: I say.
Ohhh! Nice.
ABE: Little did I know I really was shipping out in the morning! I'll never forget you, Edwina! But I did Until just now! Grampa, that's so romantic.
We gotta go to England! That sounds great.
But only if your father promises to behave.
Marge, I'll be on my best behavior.
You have my word as a gentleman and a lady.
Now let's see.
Which rifle should I bring? (GRUNTS IN DESPAIR) Hello.
Welcome to the United Kingdom.
Prime Minister Tony Blair? Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport? Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21 st century Britain.
Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? No! But thank you.
Tony l mean, Mister Prime Minister, what shall we see first? There's so much to see here.
Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover.
Oh, and you Americans love castles.
There's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
The place I was born is now a gator farm.
Smashing.
Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country.
I'd love to but I'm late for an appointment.
I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23.
Cheerio.
Wow! I can't believe we met Mr.
Bean! England is so classy.
Every cab has its own butler.
Actually, I'm not a butler.
I had already hired this cab when you got in.
But the more the merrier, and all that.
(CHUCKLING) Make with the tea, Jeeves.
Yes.
Very good, sir.
We're big shot tourists from everyone's favorite country, the USA.
We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant! So give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit! I wouldn't dream of it, sir.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Did you spend an unforgettable night with a soldier from the US Army in 1944? You did? Was he from the 1 st infantry Division? He was? And was he a gentle, caring lover? He was? Sorry I bothered you.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna find her.
Aw, Dad.
I wish there was something I could do.
Touch that mini bar and you're dead! Oh Look.
It's J.
K.
Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books.
You've turned a generation of kids on to reading.
Thank you, young muggle.
Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series? He grows up and marries you.
Is that what you want to hear? Yes.
All right, who's hungry? We're right near a Judi Dench's Fish & Chips.
SQUEAKY-VOICED BRITISH TEEN: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish & Chips.
Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease.
" Fish? I don't know.
I'm not really a vegetarian.
Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious.
She'll beat us, she will.
JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? TEEN: No one, Mum! I swear! JUDI DENCH: I'll "mum" you! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) TEEN: Blimey! Well, Marge.
You gotta admit, I've been on my best behavior this trip.
You punched out three people on the street.
That was over soccer results.
Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box? Do you understand any part of what you just said? I understand the word "gave," unless it means something else in this country! Word to the wise.
British candy is a bit sweeter than what you're used to across the pond.
Look, teabag, just fork over the brown.
BOTH: Mmm! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH GIGGLING MANIACALLY) Homie, I don't think we'll be able to find the kids from up here.
Now, now.
Let's just look.
There's Big Ben.
There's Piccadilly Circus.
There's Jimmy Page, one of the greatest thieves of American black music who ever walked the earth.
There's the kids.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH GROANING) Well, look at those filthy urchins.
Surely they could never be taught proper manners.
One gold sovereign says I could do just that.
(CHUCKLING) it's a bet, Lord Daftwager! You can't bet on my kids! This is America, pal! Don't worry.
We'll find more wagers.
I love you, Lord Daftwager.
Yes.
And I you.
Yes, quite.
Ohhh! Look at all these classy British plays.
I don't have a cherry orchard.
(GASPS) Sir lan McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor.
Thank you, my dear.
Please take these free tickets to my play.
What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth? Stop saying it! Saying what? Macbeth! Ah! Now I've said it! (CRACKLING) Ohhh! This is cool! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Bart! Stop saying Macbeth! (CRACKLING) Mom, you said Macbeth! (CRACKLING) Mr.
Macbeth, I'm really sorry.
That's quite all right.
You didn't know.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
Good luck! It's bad luck to say that, too! (ALL GASPING) Homie, you're doing a great job driving on the left.
This is turning out to be our most enjoyable trip ever.
Yes, this trip is entirely uneventful.
(CHUCKLING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Dad, no! You turned into a roundabout! ALL: Whoa! Whoa! MARGE: Turn, turn, keep turning.
Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning.
HOMER: I see an opening! MARGE: No, it's too risky! We'll just wait till the traffic thins out! Turn, turn.
Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning.
(GROGGILY) Keep turning, keep turning.
That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best! Unilaterally! (CARS HONKING) (ALL SCREAMING) Ahhh! Okay, I'm gonna go over there and see if they're cool.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, you can buff that out.
We can buff that out.
That's factory error.
Oh, that thing is supposed to be on fire.
Lady, please.
Get back in your overturned car.
Let the guys handle this.
We'll deal with him, Your Majesty.
(SCOFFS) Your Majesty? (MIMICS WHIPPING) Dad, you rear-ended the Queen of England! The Queen of what? (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (TRUMPET BLOWING) MAN: Changing of the guard! (GROANING) HOMER: Wait! We have to exchange insurance! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (JUDGE POUNDING GAVEL) Homer Simpson, you are hereby charged with damaging the Royal Coach and putting several dents in the Royal Horse.
How do you plead? M'Lord, we Americans love queens.
Be they homecoming or dairy.
This woman, however, is an imposter! (ALL GASPING) Her luggage is inscribed "H.
R.
H.
" Which means her real name must be Henrietta R.
Hippo! Why did you let him be his own barrister? What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen! I guess it's just too much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch.
Your Honor, I've completely disappointed my wife.
That's punishment enough.
You understand these things.
You're a grandmother.
I'm a man! (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) And a very manly one if I may say so, m'Lord.
If I might say a word? (ALL GASPING) I haven't had an easy life.
I've seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy, and then as I was innocently making my way to the shops to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this great lumbering brute! Boy, she's good.
If she were 100 years younger and I were 100 years older Oh! If there is any love left in you for me, destroy him! America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones! (BIRD CAWING) In this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since Edward the Puppy Eater.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR) Look at his great staring eyes.
Like saucers they are.
(IN MOCK BRITISH ACCENT) He claimed he was me father, he did.
Bart, you're not helping.
Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab! Come on, queue up, lads.
Oh, Marge, I am so sorry.
I should've listened to whatever it was you were saying.
It's partly my fault.
I've been nagging you so much on this trip, you couldn't know which nags to focus on.
Well, Marge, if I die here, there's one thing I want you to remember.
Don't buy any videotapes in England! They won't work in our VCR! (SOBBING) Dear God of England, please let me go.
In return, I will spell the word "color" with a "U.
" And I will use the metric system with every cubic milliliter of blood in my Oh, I can't do it! It's so stupid! BART: Dad! Huh? Oh! We found a secret tunnel out of the Tower! It was used by Sir Walter Raleigh! A secret tunnel? I don't know.
Won't that get me in more trouble? Homer, you couldn't be in more trouble.
They're going to put your head on a pike.
They're practicing with melons.
Smash it on! Don't worry it.
Let the pike do the work.
Okay, what do I do? Push the gray brick in the back of the fireplace! Sweet freedom, here I Ahhh! (SIZZLING) Put out the fire first! Boy, it's a good thing I'm leaving before I went nuts.
Goodbye, sparkly elves! ALL: Goodbye! Oh, my God.
We've made a terrible mistake.
This tunnel comes out in the worst possible place! An elephant's butt? Yes, Bart.
An elephant's butt.
Boy, a Krispy Kreme would really clean up down here.
Hey, this place is amazing! It's fit for a Duke, or even an Earl Oh! (BLOWS SHRILL BLAST) Uh-oh.
The Queen's in trouble! And you didn't want to give her a whistle! (SCREAMS) Please, Your Majesty.
I know that I, like many other Americans, have behaved like a total buffoon.
But we Americans are England's children.
I know we don't call as often as we should and we aren't as well-behaved as our goody two-shoes brother Canada, who by the way has never had a girlfriend.
I'm just saying.
But please, find it in your jewel-encrusted heart to forgive me.
That was very sweet of the Queen letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
MADONNA: (IN FAKE BRITISH ACCENT) I'm telling you, I'm English.
English women don't pump gas naked.
See you in Atlanta, bitch! EDWINA: Abe Simpson.
Are you leaving again without saying goodbye? Edwina, you got my message! Sorry I never saw you again.
I just felt the cultural differences between us were too great.
Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat.
You don't have to apologize, Abe.
You Yanks saved our bacon.
Mmm! Bacon.
(DROOLING) Abe, this is my daughter Abbey.
She's 58, this month.
Fifty-eight? Well, 59 years ago, your mother and I were have Oh! Well, gotta go! See you in heaven! Mummy, he's everything you said he was.
Lady, you're gorgeous.
You make Dame Edna look like a dude.
Why, thank you.
You're all right, love.
(MAJESTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  The Fat and the Furriest
The Simpsons s15e05 Episode Script
The Fat and the Furriest
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (GET SMART THEME PLAYING) (FLOOR CREAKING) Okay.
Mother's Day gift check.
Let's see what you got.
I picked Mom a bouquet of Erigeron elatiors.
Daisies.
Flowers! Hmm? Oh Yeah.
Lise, your stupid present will only last a week.
Mine will sit in the closet for years.
Bart, we made her the same thing.
Oh! This is even worse than you think! Look! Kids, we're going Mother's Day shopping.
I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years.
Let's see, what would she like? Twenty on the trifecta? Her wedding china back? (GASPING) I could get Marge a new window just like this one! Hey, Dad, why don't we try the Sprawl-Mart? Yeah, I love Sprawl-Mart.
They've got everything.
Even Christian videos with talking vegetables.
Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid.
Let my pickles go! Mmm! Moses.
(DROOLING) Welcome to Sprawl-Mart! Grampa? You have a job? How dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do! I'm a greeter.
I'm here to make every visit special.
And to size up potential shoplifters.
Like I can't shoplift with my mouth.
Ha-ha! Wow.
Look at all this stuff.
Oh, look, Jaclyn Smith has her own line of axe heads! Yeah, it's impressive.
But I still haven't found the perfect gift for Marge, only imperfect stuff for me.
Hey, look.
It's "Hairy Ass" Tubman.
(LAUGHING) Well, well, if it isn't Fatty and Smell-ma.
Your names can't hurt us.
(MOANS) Aunts Patty and Selma, can you help us pick out a Mother's Day gift? You can give her one of these, the Kitchen Carnival.
We got one when we appeared on an episode of The Price is Right, which the network refused to air.
Apparently, we're not "TV pretty.
" Wow! It's a machine that makes carnival food at home! "Endorsed by the American Carny Association.
" Wow.
I never thought I'd say this, but you slags are all right.
All this attention.
I feel like a secretary on Administrative Professionals Day! Marge, you're gonna love my present.
It is so thoughtful, it makes the kids' gifts look like crap.
(BOTH GRUMBLE) Kitchen Carnival! I love it! Thank you, Homie.
Oh, Marge, get a room! (HUMMING) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) Only my hairdresser knows for sure.
Hmm.
Dare I pour caramel over the cotton candy? (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (THUNDER CLAPS) (MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES) I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes.
And then finally, I can eat my shorts! BOTH: Ahhh! What is that? This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar.
Dig in.
(SUCKLING) That's it, kids.
Suckle daddy's sugar ball.
Chief, that guy shouldn't be in the car pool lane.
His passenger is just a big piece of candy.
I wish mine was.
What? Nothin'.
Homer, are you spooning that snack? (SCOFFS) That's my old lady.
(SNORING) Ants! Birds! Cats! Flandereses! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I was saving sugar for my wedding night! Homie, it's time you got rid of that thing.
All that candy is rotting your brain.
(IN A SINISTER VOICE) I think you should get rid of her.
Then we can be together forever! Maybe you're right, Marge.
Or maybe you're right, Candy Ball.
No, Marge! Then again No, Marge! Definitely Marge! Goodbye, old friend.
I'll think of you whenever I have a stroke or a heart attack.
D'oh! (GROWLING) (ROARING) Oh, my God! I'm gonna be killed by a bear! Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking.
Smooth.
(ROARING) (HOMER WHIMPERING) Homie, what happened to you? Marge, please.
I'm too upset to talk about it.
But seeing you like this is more than I can bear.
Bear! Ahhh! The angry president woke up, crawled out of his grave and went back to work.
(CHICKEN CLUCKING) That sound can mean only one thing.
It's time for another installment of "Kent's Cowards.
" Today's clip comes straight from the Springfield Dump.
Dad, you got attacked by a bear? I did a lot of stuff today.
I went to Starbucks.
But you didn't see that on tape.
(WHIMPERING) (PANIC-STRICKEN SOBBING) (WHIMPERING) (CHUCKLING) That hilarious footage was shot by local hunter, Grant Connor.
Not with a gun, but with a camera! That's right, Kent.
I often get guns and cameras confused.
One time, tragically, at a wedding I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad.
You did the right thing hiding and crying.
Yeah.
We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day.
Choke on your candor! You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation.
It's a deal! (CHOKING) Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear.
The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support.
My dad once beat up six employees at KFC.
And he'd been up for three days.
SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr.
Burns' office immediately.
Ahhh! (WHIMPERING) (ALL LAUGHING) What a delightful practically-based joke.
Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? Ahhh! (READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks.
And the three bears! Oh, God, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears! Are you a Care Bear? I'm an intensive Care Bear.
Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty.
(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhh! (BEARS GROWLING) (WEEPING) Crying in the corner, huh? Mind if I join ya? No, go ahead.
(BOTH WEEPING) All right, that's enough, Fraidy Sue! Here's what you gotta do.
Find that bear that whupped ya and whup him back! Can I fight human-style by slowly poisoning his environment until he loses his fur and becomes sterile? You cowardly Swede! You face that bear like a man or I'll never speak to you again! But how will I find out what you had for lunch in 1928? I have a web site! ABE: Welcome to my home page.
Why don't you visit more often? Mr.
Simpson, if you want to find that bear that attacked you, use this.
It tracks an electronic tag I stuck in the bear's ear.
It's the same technology they use to keep tabs on Gary Busey.
Finally, science has joined forces with revenge.
Now listen.
The bull grizzly is seven feet tall, weighs more than a Mazda Miata and can tear through a tree like a Jewish mother through self-esteem.
Next time you face him, you better have some way to protect yourself.
(CRUNCHING) It's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight Risin' up to the challenge of our rival And the Lookin' good.
And I did it all without wasting money on one of those stupid welder's masks.
(SIZZLING) Behold the ultimate in anti-bear technology! The Bear Buster 5000! Available wherever fat men dream.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, dear Lord.
Check it out, ladies.
A suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks.
(GASPING) Homer, there's no rear on that thing.
I know.
If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit.
Now look here, mister.
I forbid you to fight a bear.
What kind of an example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things? Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal.
That's the whole point of Moby Dick.
Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is be yourself.
You're not going and that's final.
D'oh! Fine! But do you know how ridiculous you look right now? (SOFTLY) Marge, are you awake? Marge? (CHUCKLING) (THUDDING) (CLANGING) (CREAKING) Hmm.
(CHUCKLING) Marge is sure gonna be steamed when she finds you missing.
Or dead.
Gentlemen, sometimes a man must put his marriage at risk for reasons that are confusing even to him.
You're sneaking out to fight that bear.
I want to go, too! No way! If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.
Screw that.
When I grow up, I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass! That is so cool! All right, you can come.
Lisa, I think your father just left! And Bart's missing, too! I've got a bad feeling about this.
Let's check the suit closet.
Zoot suit, astronaut outfit, southern belle, Renaissance dandy, country-western octopus (GASPING) it's gone! That man and his foolish pride.
We've gotta go follow him.
Hmm.
(GIGGLES) I just wanted to see what it was like.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy, y'all.
If you don't like my song, I'll spray you with ink! (CHUCKLING) I never realized how hot this suit is.
I'm sweating out all my bloodlust.
Why don't you take a bath in the river? This bear tracker stopped beeping a half hour ago.
Sweet! Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing.
Yeah.
We borrowed 'em for the radio.
BOTH: (SINGING) Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing the flub (ROARING) Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! ALL: (SINGING) Rubbing sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ignite And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting Skyrockets in flight (HOMER SCREAMING) Mr.
Connor, thank you for helping find my husband.
I don't want my last words to him to be, "Clip your toenails, they look like Fritos.
" Mom! Mom! Stop the car! Dad went to take a bath, and the bear carried him off! Yeah.
It almost wrecked the whole trip.
Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him.
But first, a snack.
(FIRES GUN) I guess this is it.
If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die a man.
(ROARING) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (WHIMPERING) Is this thing hurting you? Hmm.
(CRACKLING) Ahhh! (PANTING) Okay, it's probably the tag.
But just to be sure.
(CRACKLING) (YELLING) Hey, you're not mean.
It was just this tag that made you go ape-scat.
We're not so different.
Gimme a hug! Jeez, I don't know why bear hugs enjoy such a great reputation.
I guess that's so, we don't have a lot But at least I'm sure of all the things we got Babe (GIGGLING) I got you babe, I got you babe Funny.
(GUNSHOT) Oh, no.
The hunter has become the hunter.
He must be following this thing.
Well, I'm gonna make sure it never harms another living creature! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) MAN ON RADIO: A killer bear is on the loose in Springfield Forest.
And local laughingstock Homer Simpson is missing and presumed mauled.
(CHUCKLING) Wrong again, liberal media.
MAN ON RADIO: A bounty has been placed on the rogue bear in the amount of $10,000.
Don't worry.
I'll find you someplace safe.
The bear is no longer wearing his tracking device.
(MOCKINGLY) And it looks like he's headed toward that wildlife sanctuary.
Is there any sign of my husband? Hmm.
Your husband appears to be traveling with the bear.
Either as hostage or as what we call a "forest bride.
" Ew! Okay.
You want to go over there.
Hold on.
Something doesn't feel right.
(GROWLING) Wait, stop.
I know bullets can be scary sometimes.
But I have an idea.
First, we pull off all your fur.
(ROARING) All right, all right! I'm still thinking.
They're looking for a male bear, right? (GROWLS) Oh.
It's so easy to condemn, so hard to create.
Okay, boys.
That bear's gonna make a dash for freedom, unless we take him down.
(COCKS GUN) Yeah.
All the way down.
(COCKS GUN) What you said didn't really add much.
(COCKS GUN) I know.
I just wanted to belong.
(COCKS GUN) Well, we all feel that way sometimes.
(COCKS GUN) (GUNS COCKING) it's Homer! Don't shoot! Go! Go! It's that bear! Aim for the holes in the colander! He made it! He's finally protected from man.
Yeah.
But now he's being attacked by an elephant! (TRUMPETING) Well, I'm proud of you, Homie.
You set out to fight an animal, and you ended up saving its life.
What can I say? I love nature.
Circle of life.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Today I am a Clown
The Simpsons s15e06 Episode Script
Today I am a Clown
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (GROANS) (HUMMING RING OF FIRE) (SINGING) Time to wizz in a foaming bowl of china (EXCLAIMS) A line for the bathroom? What gives? I don't know.
But whoever's in there is taking their sweet ol' time.
Son, can I have cuts? No! Back cuts? Okay.
Sweet.
Hey! Wait a minute.
If we're all out here, who's in there? (ALL GASP) Maggie's locked inside! Now calm down.
I'll just unlock it with this coat hanger.
Oh, God! It's baby blood! Don't worry.
I know just what to do.
(GROANING) Bart, you're not hitting hard enough! How did you get her out? I tried the coat hanger again.
I don't understand why we only try ideas once.
(DOORBELL RINGING) The door? Now I'll never get to pee.
Dr.
Hibbert? ls someone seriously ill? Oh, I wish! (LAUGHS) No, I'm here because of Bob Poochioni over there.
(GRUNTS IN CONFUSION) Two months ago, Santa's Little Helper paid a bootie call to my purebred poodle, Rosa Barks.
(CHUCKLES) And he had his eyes on her prize.
I'm gonna drop that analogy now.
ALL: Aw! Well, I'm glad you think they're cute because they're your problem now! You just lost a box, pal! Wait.
Santa's Little Helper had puppies before.
And then we got him neutered.
We did.
Homer took him.
Didn't you? Yeah Well Funny thing about that, on our way to the clinic, I decided to give him a night his wang would never forget.
So let's dance the last dance Let's dance the last dance Let's dance this last dance tonight Last dance Last dance for love Wanna play some air hockey? Three hundred and fifty dollars an hour.
You're on! I can't neuter you, boy.
Not after all we've been through.
But from now on, you better save your lovin' for the couch cushions.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) You broke our deal! We had an oral contract! Stop it! Stop it, stop it! You and Lisa better go find homes for these puppies.
And don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (WHIMPERING) He's an irritable, walleyed, misfit, bastard! Just like Willie.
Hey, mister, would you like a puppy? No.
But I'll take one! Okay.
I'm going to cherish and care for this dog.
And there's nothing you can do to stop me! (LAUGHS) (TIRES SCREECHING) Seen it Bad Boring Saw it on the plane Rerun Rerun Telemundo Me Turned it down ABC Banned from the set Lame Lame Regis (GROANS) Let's see, champagne or Slim Fast? Boy, that really passes the time.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Want a puppy? He's at the peak of cuteness.
(CHUCKLES) You could nuzzle me all night.
That's enough.
I said that's enough! Well, look at this.
You dragged me back to my old neighborhood! And it hasn't changed a bit.
DSL! DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections? Brazilian wax! Get your velvety smooth, Brazilian wax! Hey, the Jewish Walk of Fame! Here, go on Sandy Koufax.
I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night! Okay, boy.
Let's find my star.
(WHIMPERING) Albert Einstein, Lorne Michaels? Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop! Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than Chaim Potok! What is he? Some kind of Klingon? I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty.
Let me just ask you a few questions.
Full name? Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofski.
Good, good.
Circumcision? And then some! (CHUCKLES) Date of Bar Mitzvah? Well, I, uh You see, the truth is I never had one.
No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man! Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do.
Goodbye.
Krusty, what's wrong? I just found out I'm not Jewish.
Oh, I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing! Well, you're still my hero.
So what? Everything's changed.
I thought I was a self-hating Jew! But it turns out, I'm just a plain old anti-Semite! We have so much to discuss.
(GROANS) Now I know the reason my life is so empty.
I never had a Bar Mitzvah.
Cheer up, Krusty.
You're a clue in the People magazine crossword puzzle.
What more can a man want? Bart, the Bar Mitzvah is the most important event in a Jewish boy's life.
It's when he reads from the Torah and becomes a man.
The sweet little shikse's right.
Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy with a prostate the size of a goat's head! Krusty, your dad's a rabbi.
How could you not have had a Bar Mitzvah? Who knows? I've lived so hard, there's big gaps in my memory.
I remember learning to ride a bike, then pretty much nothing till right now.
Why don't we ask your dad? Yeah, right! My father will put this in a spiritual, philosophical context.
I'll tell you why you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah.
It's because you're a puts.
Everything is a joke to you.
I was afraid you'd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony, like you're making a mockery out of me right now.
Maybe I am but you can't argue with the laughs.
So what? It's not my job to make kids laugh.
Yes, it is.
You're a clown.
Oh, without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm nothing! (SOBBING) Krusty, you can still have your Bar Mitzvah, as an adult.
That'd be great.
Are you sure that's kosher? There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
How do you know all this stuff? I have a Jewish imaginary friend.
Her name is Rachel Cohen and she just got into Brandeis.
Wonderful! Hey, hey, kids! I got a confession to make.
Underneath all this plastic surgery, I am actually a Jew! And from now on, I'm embracing my faith! (CHEERING) What's not to like? Now I'll teach you my traditions, the way my people have passed them down for centuries, through animation! (READING BLESSING IN HEBREW) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) (GROANING) Mouse-l Tov! And that's what I believe in now! (LAUGHING) Krusty, that was a great show! Once I was clapping and the applause sign wasn't even on! Hey, that's great.
But I got a problem.
This schedule has me working on Saturdays.
That's the Sabbath! Well, we could tape two shows on Friday.
Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse.
Anyway, we gotta book a guest host! How about Jon Stewart? He's a son, a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package! (GROWLS) He'd be perfect! So forget it! I need a guest host so bad, he can never replace me.
I need someone who's not intelligent.
Not good-looking.
(EXCLAIMS) And so utterly repellent, he I'm your man! Man, are you unpleasant! You're in! (DOOR CLOSES) Children, I wish to announce that our show has undergone a reformatting.
(CHEERING) Let's get ready to listen quietly! Now tonight's guest host, the ultimate placeholder, Homer Simpson! Welcome to The Homer Simpson Show.
I'm your host, next card.
Homer Simpson, it's great to be here in, next card.
Springfield, my guests are Moe Szyslak, local businessman, Carl Carlson, raconteur, and Lenny Leonard, three-time juror.
Gentlemen, what's on your mind? Dad, you have to say something.
Something meaningful.
You ever notice how seats are too small for normal looking guys like me? Theaters, airplanes? Why even here! Look! (GRUNTING) I could not agree more.
Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau.
Hey, I got a question.
How come oldies stations are always playing the same song? How about some new oldies, geniuses? Boy, these guys are right on the money.
Yeah.
My neck is sore from agreeing so much.
Hey, baby! (MIMICS KISSING) You looking for a good time, huh? Go home, turn on your television, Channel Six.
Thanks for the tip! (BEEPING) Yeah, yeah, twins.
I get it.
Now let's watch something I'm really interested in.
Who has more power? Miss America or Miss USA? I think one's elected and the other one's appointed.
I think your water just broke.
Will you be quiet? Now you can't mix milk and meat.
You got that? And on Christmas Day, you must eat Chinese food, and pork is strictly forbidden! Oh-oh! All these rules! I feel like I'm in a strip club! Well, Dad, what do you want to talk about tonight? Hmm Listen, Homer, I'd like to raise an issue.
Why so formal, Lenny? You're my go-to guy.
Oh, about that.
You know, I've been with this show from the beginning and I was, uh I was wondering if I could get a small cost of living raise? Interesting.
Please welcome new panelist, Barney Gumble.
That light's a little bright.
You think you can move it? Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu.
Disco Stu knows his place.
My husband's a power-mad star.
Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs.
(SPEAKING HEBREW) Very good.
You just earned yourself a Dr.
Brown's.
Krusty, you know Diane, Stu, and Jeremy from the network.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Krusty, we've got some bad news.
We think you're super talented Oh, God! You're canceling me! Krusty, Krusty, TV is a fickle business.
You've had a good run.
But Homer Simpson's a fresh face and You're not doing this fast enough! You're fired, too! I'm No! (SOBBING) Simpson, I hate to bother you when you're eating but you're always eating.
Will you sign an autograph for my boy? My pleasure.
I eat Legos.
So did I, son.
And look where I am today.
Boy, everybody loves my show.
It's great, Dad.
You have tremendous power.
And now it's time to put it to use.
Yes, you're right.
Duck, Mister Lincoln! Thank you, Homer.
No, Dad.
I mean, you should use your time on the air to say things that really mean something.
Change the world for the better.
I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse! Well, I took Bart's advice last week, so I guess it's Lisa's turn.
Now if you'll excuse me You hit him high! I'll hit him low! (GRUNTING) (LAUGHING) Look, since my own network dumped me, I thought maybe I could do a show on (GROWLS) Fox.
I'm sorry, Krusty.
People aren't interested in stars anymore.
They want reality.
Way ahead of ya.
How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire? But what they don't know is I'm rife with disease! Okay, okay.
How about one where I move in with a poor family and laugh at them? (LAUGHS) You see be Okay, how about you televise my Bar Mitzvah? Live.
Please, you people are known for taking chances on crap.
You know, we've had a great time on this show riffing on small, unimportant subjects.
Now wait a minute.
Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject.
"Boobs.
" (LAUGHS) Just like what girls got.
Well, that's all over now.
From now on, we will focus solely on important issues.
Every year, the gulf between rich and poor nations gets larger.
Yet the lMF insists on unrealistic debt repayment schedules.
This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it! Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.
MAN: Live from Springfield Stadium, it's Krusty the Clown's Wet 'N' Wild Bar Mitzvah! Shalom, Springfield! Shalom.
I can't schmear you! Shalom! (SINGING GIBBERISH) Now to get you in the Bar Mitzvah mood, put your hands together for the Beach Boys Experience! (SINGING) Mezuzah, menorah Reading from the Torah Pastrami, knishes, on two sets of dishes A church with no steeple for God's chosen people Now let's meet a man who's muscle-bound and a man who's bound not to eat mussels, Mr.
T and Krusty the Clown! T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase! Yeah.
We were kind of rough on him.
I feel bad for the guy.
You pitied the fool? That's one way of putting it.
Time for me to get into character.
Let's scroll! Baruch adonai hamvorach, fool! Why should America consume 90 % of the world's resources? Argentina must devalue her currency to pay her debts! (SOBBING) You can't leave.
I'm your ride home! Dad, you blew it.
You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
I'll audience you! (CHOKING) So that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones.
Tight bow tie, my ass! Now ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the world's largest potato pancake! That's a lot of latke! (GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled! Strike the set.
You have five minutes to get off the lot.
Oh Don't worry.
This will be quick and painless.
There we go.
Oh Homie.
You may have lost your show but you went out in the classiest way possible.
I'm proud of you.
Marge, I thank God every day you settled for me.
Hey, where's my car? Oh, over there.
(SOBBING) Come on, Homie.
We'll go to the make-your-own-sundae place.
Will you make my sundae for me? Yes.
Thank you, cast of The Lion King.
And now for our grand finale, the superstar of David, Mr.
T! I pity the shul that won't let Krusty in now! Spin me, clown! (LAUGHS) I wish I had invested my money better.
(LAUGHING) Mmm Krusty, the ratings were good.
Raymond re-run good.
Great.
But there's one thing that's still nagging at me.
I want a real Bar Mitzvah in a temple.
Wonderful.
(SPEAKING HEBREW) I'm hungry.
Are they married yet? They're not getting married.
Then whose garter is this? I was trying to hit the dentist.
And now, finally, I am a man.
I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  'Tis the Fifteenth Season
The Simpsons s15e07 Episode Script
'Tis the Fifteenth Season
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Happy Thanksgiving from the entire Channel 6 family including Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout.
The real Kent is in a rehab clinic.
We all wish him the best Again.
I love the holiday season.
See ya in spring, toes.
And from all of us, best wishes for a joyous holiday season.
Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid.
For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
(LAUGHS) it's the most wonderful time of the year (SCREECHING) With the kids jingle-belling And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer" it's the most wonderful time of the year (GROWLING) (MEOWING) (GRUNTING) Hey, Homer.
I'm your Secret Santa.
Merry Christmas, big guy.
Oh, my God! A DVD player! And the first season of Magnum P.
I.
with commentary by John Hillerman.
Apparently working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.
(KISSING) Who's my Secret Santa? I think it's Homer.
Oh, yes, I am.
Your present is right in the other room (WHIRRING) HOMER: Come on, machine! Take my dollar! Fine.
We'll play it your way! (THUDDING) Here you go, Lenny.
May the spirit of Retsyn be with you all year long.
God bless God.
Amen.
This gift stinks.
Homer, you're the most selfish man I know.
Oh, come on.
Mister Burns is way more selfish.
That evil old bone bag smelling of death, nose like a vulture, followed everywhere by that kiss-ass Smithers.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
That describes Kathy in Personnel to a tee.
(SCREAMS) All right, everyone.
It's time for your Christmas "bon-i.
" Everyone gets a five-dollar cafeteria voucher.
(ALL MOANING) And for your boy, a confectioner's card featuring a current baseballer.
It's that rookie from the New York Nine.
HOMER: Joe DiMaggio? Yes.
It seems they've started letting ethnics into the big leagues.
Oh, look! It's Kathy! How are things in Personnel? Excellent.
I need money for Christmas.
Can I get anything for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kind of old.
I'm sorry.
But I'm afraid your card is only worth everything I've got! Everything! Take it! Oh, no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers.
I must deftly lick it off.
Deftly Thank you! Freak.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now we return to the 1986 holiday classic, Christmas with the California Prunes.
(PLAYING JAZZY TUNE) (SINGING) Yeah Oh, pruny night The stars are sweetly wrinkled We are the fruit That your grandmother loves Yeah This is offensive to Christians and prunes.
HOMER: Hey, everybody! We're going shopping at the Springfield Heights Promenade! (GASPS) That's the rich people's mall! Let's shop till we droop.
I think that's "drop.
" That's a very violent image, Lisa.
Silver and gold Mean so much more when I see First, we'll buy gifts for each other, then we'll spend the rest of the cash on a Christmas tree so large, its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding! ALL: Yay! Cool, a toy store! Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon! Wait a minute.
This game is educational! That'll teach you to teach me! I think these are my Homie's size.
Excuse me.
Can I ask you a favor? Perfect! I'll take it! Um, we'll do that.
Stand back when you open it.
Doing pretty good so far.
A key ring for Marge, key ring for Bart (GASPS) That thing for me! Oh, God! It's so unnecessary! You have excellent taste.
This is our finest talking astrolabe.
It also comes with a notepad and pen that works upside-down.
I'm upside-down so much! If I buy this, I won't have anything left for a Christmas tree.
ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of comedienne Margaret Cho.
That's the birthday I'm always forgetting! I must have it! What a mall! Can we get our big Christmas tree now? Uh, sure, you know it.
Biggest tree from the finest lot in town.
Stupid jerk! Dad, I don't like the looks of this neighborhood.
It's fine.
Now, everyone just relax, lock your doors, don't make eye contact with anyone, and listen to the radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Now let's downshift into the holiday spirit with Christmas Convoy.
MAN: A star shone bright that silent night Ninety miles out of manger-town Haulin' gold and myrrh and frankincense Three kings put the hammer down Cause we got a Christmas convoy, ain't she a beautiful thing? We've gotta roll this truckin' convoy to see the newborn king Convoy 10-4, King of the Jews Gorgeous, huh? And quite the bargain.
Isn't it kind of dry? Oh, it just needs a little love.
Why do things I love always burn? Isn't it sufficient? I thought we had enough money for a good tree.
Homer, is there something you're not telling us? ASTROLABE: It is 6:31 p.
m.
in Montreal.
The moon is waxing tonight.
What's that? Uh Woo-hoo! Maggie's talking! Hmm You wasted our money on something extravagant for yourself! There's a trickledown theory here.
If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you.
No, Dad.
This time you were just plain selfish.
ASTROLABE: I am not returnable.
(SOBBING) I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours.
(ALARM BLARING) (SOBBING) This is sadder than Tuesdays with Morrie.
Come on, Marge.
I'm not the only selfish person.
You have to get your hair done at Supercuts.
I guess regular cuts just isn't good enough for you.
You just don't get it, do you? Christmas is a time to think of others.
But today, you showed you only care about yourself.
That's not true! I cared what you thought once you found out! You can sleep on the couch tonight.
Can't you yell at me now and get it over with? No.
I'm gonna parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.
Oh! I don't need her.
I've got you, Astrolabe.
Colombia's main export is coffee.
Exactly.
TV ANNOUNCER 1: Now back to The Year Santa Got Lost starring Jimmy Stewart as the voice of Mister Mailman.
Santa was in an awful pickle.
Beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good.
So Santa placed a call to Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird.
Jimmy Stewart as a puppet is just wrong.
TV ANNOUNCER 2: And now back to Mr.
McGrew's Christmas Carol.
Mr.
McGrew? I love that blind senile old man! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I can't find my way back to the home.
I heard you the first five times! (GROANS) You work on Christmas or you're out of a job! Is that clear, Cratchett? Sir, I'm over here.
Woo-hoo.
Sorry, pardon me, ma'am.
I see you're expecting.
May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Oh, McGrew.
Once again you've mistaken something for something.
(MEOWING) McGrew, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.
You are so selfish your fiancee is about to leave you.
I don't need love.
I have money.
Sweet, sweet money, yes indeed.
Oh, my God! It's like looking at a cartoon version of myself! Spirit, surely there is some time to reform my selfish ways.
Come on, Death.
Leave McGrew alone.
Take Tiny Tim! No! "Unloved by Al?" No! "Unloved by all?" No! (MOANING) Dad, are you okay? Children! Children, what day is this? It's Saturday, December sixth.
Thank God.
There's still four more days till Christmas.
I have time to reform my ways.
I just saw the greatest cartoon of all time.
It was about a miser who was visited by three ghosts at Christmas.
And get this.
He learns a lesson! Dad, what you saw was A Christmas Carol.
It was written by Charles Dickens 160 years ago.
Yeah.
TV writers have been milking that goat for years.
Reform, Ebenezer Urkel! You have alienated everyone who loved you! Did I do that? Report, Mr.
Sulu.
Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past.
Mr.
Scott, fire photon torpedoes.
It's no use, Captain.
He's showin' visions of me future.
God, I'm so fat! I said fire! That last one looked kind of good.
Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.
From now on, I will stop being selfish and start being good.
In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town.
You've made that promise before.
Yes.
But this time I'm sober-ish.
Well, the hoboes sure will appreciate our old clothes and lima beans.
No need, Flanders.
I've already given them my old clothes.
Good-looking group.
It looks like this town has a Good Sam logjam.
These pants smell worse than my old pants.
You're welcome.
Listen, Lenny.
I know I was a pretty bad Secret Santa so I wanted to make it up to you.
A photo cube with pictures of us! And I filed down all the sharp corners.
See? Your eye is completely safe! Oh, wow, it just stings a little.
Oops.
Marge, do you want this last pork chop? I've dreamed of the day you'd say that! Oh, your thoughtfulness tastes so good.
(SOBBING) And tears are the sweetest sauce.
All right, now you're starting to creep me out.
Come on.
Why don't you just take my blood? Yes, I'm old.
Oh, very nice, Ned.
But I'm afraid you're a distant second this week.
I'm not looking for glory or wealth.
I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of.
That was Led Zeppelin.
Get back to your bong, hippie.
(CHUCKLES) Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer? Maybe just a tad, Todd.
I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses.
One problem at a time, boy.
Homie, I'm so proud.
You changed more than I could've imagined.
You're even covering your mouth when you burp.
Just like the pope.
(BURPS) Being unselfish is a natural high like hiking or paint thinner.
And here's another act of Christian charity I pulled out of my butt.
I built a skating rink for the whole town! (GROANS) Activate cloaking device! Oh, I'm so depressed.
Engage candy bar.
Thank you.
(SINGING) Here come sandwiches Here come sandwiches right down Boozy Bum Lane Brother Ned's got cheese on bread and a side order of shame.
Bells Where the H-E-C-K is everybody? Here's your skates.
Oh, you'll have to take off those boots.
Those are my feet.
Eew! Oh, for the love of puppies.
Homer, you're the nicest guy in town.
Ha-ha! Your position has been usurped.
Usurped.
You heard me.
Ha-ha! (CHANTING) You're sad at Christmas.
This just in, Santa Claus is dead.
(SCREAMING) Or he might as well be because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point.
Homer Simpson, seen here in this retouched photo! (GRUNTS IN ANGER) That Homer just burns my waffles.
Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser! (DOORBELL RINGING) Excuse me.
My car broke down.
Well, I'll give you a jump! I'll rotate your tires! I'll even fold up that map for you! I know that can be a dickens of a doozie! Back off, creep! I was looking for Homer Simpson's house! That tears it! I'll show Homer! I'm gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen.
I said "man," not "man-God"! Keep your pants on! Here you go, Principal Skinner, Mrs.
Skinner.
You're actually giving everyone in town a Christmas present? What's your angle, pervert? Oh-ho.
My angle is "givin' in this world, livin' in the next!" But how can you afford all this on a widower's salary? Well, actually I picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity.
(SCREAMING) ROD: Stay out of our medicine cabinet! Pathetic Flanders.
Thinking he can buy people's love with thoughtful gifts.
Cool! Mister Flanders gave me a Krusty brand Operation game.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) KRUSTY'S VOICE: You just tweezered my wang! I'll show Flanders.
I'm gonna give everyone a car.
What's that one good American car? Dad, you don't have to outdo Mister Flanders.
Just remember the spirit of the season.
Is it despair? Actually, most people now feel Christmas has gotten too materialistic.
In fact, as a Buddhist, I believe people would be a lot happier without presents.
Hmm.
You've given me a lot to think about.
LISA: People would be a lot happier without presents.
Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul.
(SIREN BLARING) I'm not going to jail again.
I've got it! When everyone's asleep, I'll take away their presents! Then they'll be happy.
Thanks, Buddha.
I got your badge number.
You better hope I never get out! HOMER: You're a hero, Homer J You're as crafty as a skunk They'll thank you in the morning for stealing Flanders' junk Homer Jay You're a double-bacon genius-burger and just a little drunk Now to hear the joyous sound of people waking up on Christmas to discover they have no presents.
LENNY: Hey, where's my presents? WOMAN: Some jerk stole Christmas! Oh, I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels.
I'd better see my shrink and rob his ass! Someone snuck in and took our presents.
Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him.
He stole my gold tooth the night he left.
He didn't leave.
He went to the store.
And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face! They don't sound happy but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude! Get him! Give back our presents, stupid man! Your behavior, it's like not sanctioned by any governing body.
You're like wild.
Shouldn't you all be singing carols or something? (GROANING) Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong but I've been thinking.
Maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts.
(GROANS) Hey! Wait a minute, everyone! There's your Christmas.
Up there! (ALL EXCLAIM IN AWE) it's a miracle.
That's my last flare.
Somebody better come soon.
(HOWLING) Oh, thank goodness.
Rescue dogs.
(GROWLING) "And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, "'for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy "'which shall be to all people"' Stop that! You can't pray on city property! Let's just say that on this day a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic.
But others don't.
And that's cool.
But we're probably right.
Amen.
ALL: Amen! And now I think the only thing left to do is return all your gifts! Ned? It'd be my pleasure, Homer! Oh, joy! Let's see what we got here.
It's a new brassiere! But I don't even have them, but okay.
I'll make pretend.
What a great Christmas.
Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it.
I ain't got all day, Drama Queen.
Get it over with.
I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me! Who am I kidding? I ain't gonna jump.
(SINGING) Hark, the Herald Angels sing Glory to the new born King Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and singer Barbara Mandrell.
Merry Christmas.
Of the skies Hark the Herald Angels sing Glory to the new born King English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  'Tis the Fifteenth Season
The Simpsons s15e07 Episode Script
'Tis the Fifteenth Season
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Happy Thanksgiving from the entire Channel 6 family including Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout.
The real Kent is in a rehab clinic.
We all wish him the best Again.
I love the holiday season.
See ya in spring, toes.
And from all of us, best wishes for a joyous holiday season.
Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid.
For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
(LAUGHS) it's the most wonderful time of the year (SCREECHING) With the kids jingle-belling And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer" it's the most wonderful time of the year (GROWLING) (MEOWING) (GRUNTING) Hey, Homer.
I'm your Secret Santa.
Merry Christmas, big guy.
Oh, my God! A DVD player! And the first season of Magnum P.
I.
with commentary by John Hillerman.
Apparently working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.
(KISSING) Who's my Secret Santa? I think it's Homer.
Oh, yes, I am.
Your present is right in the other room (WHIRRING) HOMER: Come on, machine! Take my dollar! Fine.
We'll play it your way! (THUDDING) Here you go, Lenny.
May the spirit of Retsyn be with you all year long.
God bless God.
Amen.
This gift stinks.
Homer, you're the most selfish man I know.
Oh, come on.
Mister Burns is way more selfish.
That evil old bone bag smelling of death, nose like a vulture, followed everywhere by that kiss-ass Smithers.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
That describes Kathy in Personnel to a tee.
(SCREAMS) All right, everyone.
It's time for your Christmas "bon-i.
" Everyone gets a five-dollar cafeteria voucher.
(ALL MOANING) And for your boy, a confectioner's card featuring a current baseballer.
It's that rookie from the New York Nine.
HOMER: Joe DiMaggio? Yes.
It seems they've started letting ethnics into the big leagues.
Oh, look! It's Kathy! How are things in Personnel? Excellent.
I need money for Christmas.
Can I get anything for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kind of old.
I'm sorry.
But I'm afraid your card is only worth everything I've got! Everything! Take it! Oh, no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers.
I must deftly lick it off.
Deftly Thank you! Freak.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now we return to the 1986 holiday classic, Christmas with the California Prunes.
(PLAYING JAZZY TUNE) (SINGING) Yeah Oh, pruny night The stars are sweetly wrinkled We are the fruit That your grandmother loves Yeah This is offensive to Christians and prunes.
HOMER: Hey, everybody! We're going shopping at the Springfield Heights Promenade! (GASPS) That's the rich people's mall! Let's shop till we droop.
I think that's "drop.
" That's a very violent image, Lisa.
Silver and gold Mean so much more when I see First, we'll buy gifts for each other, then we'll spend the rest of the cash on a Christmas tree so large, its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding! ALL: Yay! Cool, a toy store! Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon! Wait a minute.
This game is educational! That'll teach you to teach me! I think these are my Homie's size.
Excuse me.
Can I ask you a favor? Perfect! I'll take it! Um, we'll do that.
Stand back when you open it.
Doing pretty good so far.
A key ring for Marge, key ring for Bart (GASPS) That thing for me! Oh, God! It's so unnecessary! You have excellent taste.
This is our finest talking astrolabe.
It also comes with a notepad and pen that works upside-down.
I'm upside-down so much! If I buy this, I won't have anything left for a Christmas tree.
ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of comedienne Margaret Cho.
That's the birthday I'm always forgetting! I must have it! What a mall! Can we get our big Christmas tree now? Uh, sure, you know it.
Biggest tree from the finest lot in town.
Stupid jerk! Dad, I don't like the looks of this neighborhood.
It's fine.
Now, everyone just relax, lock your doors, don't make eye contact with anyone, and listen to the radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Now let's downshift into the holiday spirit with Christmas Convoy.
MAN: A star shone bright that silent night Ninety miles out of manger-town Haulin' gold and myrrh and frankincense Three kings put the hammer down Cause we got a Christmas convoy, ain't she a beautiful thing? We've gotta roll this truckin' convoy to see the newborn king Convoy 10-4, King of the Jews Gorgeous, huh? And quite the bargain.
Isn't it kind of dry? Oh, it just needs a little love.
Why do things I love always burn? Isn't it sufficient? I thought we had enough money for a good tree.
Homer, is there something you're not telling us? ASTROLABE: It is 6:31 p.
m.
in Montreal.
The moon is waxing tonight.
What's that? Uh Woo-hoo! Maggie's talking! Hmm You wasted our money on something extravagant for yourself! There's a trickledown theory here.
If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you.
No, Dad.
This time you were just plain selfish.
ASTROLABE: I am not returnable.
(SOBBING) I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours.
(ALARM BLARING) (SOBBING) This is sadder than Tuesdays with Morrie.
Come on, Marge.
I'm not the only selfish person.
You have to get your hair done at Supercuts.
I guess regular cuts just isn't good enough for you.
You just don't get it, do you? Christmas is a time to think of others.
But today, you showed you only care about yourself.
That's not true! I cared what you thought once you found out! You can sleep on the couch tonight.
Can't you yell at me now and get it over with? No.
I'm gonna parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.
Oh! I don't need her.
I've got you, Astrolabe.
Colombia's main export is coffee.
Exactly.
TV ANNOUNCER 1: Now back to The Year Santa Got Lost starring Jimmy Stewart as the voice of Mister Mailman.
Santa was in an awful pickle.
Beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good.
So Santa placed a call to Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird.
Jimmy Stewart as a puppet is just wrong.
TV ANNOUNCER 2: And now back to Mr.
McGrew's Christmas Carol.
Mr.
McGrew? I love that blind senile old man! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I can't find my way back to the home.
I heard you the first five times! (GROANS) You work on Christmas or you're out of a job! Is that clear, Cratchett? Sir, I'm over here.
Woo-hoo.
Sorry, pardon me, ma'am.
I see you're expecting.
May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Oh, McGrew.
Once again you've mistaken something for something.
(MEOWING) McGrew, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.
You are so selfish your fiancee is about to leave you.
I don't need love.
I have money.
Sweet, sweet money, yes indeed.
Oh, my God! It's like looking at a cartoon version of myself! Spirit, surely there is some time to reform my selfish ways.
Come on, Death.
Leave McGrew alone.
Take Tiny Tim! No! "Unloved by Al?" No! "Unloved by all?" No! (MOANING) Dad, are you okay? Children! Children, what day is this? It's Saturday, December sixth.
Thank God.
There's still four more days till Christmas.
I have time to reform my ways.
I just saw the greatest cartoon of all time.
It was about a miser who was visited by three ghosts at Christmas.
And get this.
He learns a lesson! Dad, what you saw was A Christmas Carol.
It was written by Charles Dickens 160 years ago.
Yeah.
TV writers have been milking that goat for years.
Reform, Ebenezer Urkel! You have alienated everyone who loved you! Did I do that? Report, Mr.
Sulu.
Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past.
Mr.
Scott, fire photon torpedoes.
It's no use, Captain.
He's showin' visions of me future.
God, I'm so fat! I said fire! That last one looked kind of good.
Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.
From now on, I will stop being selfish and start being good.
In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town.
You've made that promise before.
Yes.
But this time I'm sober-ish.
Well, the hoboes sure will appreciate our old clothes and lima beans.
No need, Flanders.
I've already given them my old clothes.
Good-looking group.
It looks like this town has a Good Sam logjam.
These pants smell worse than my old pants.
You're welcome.
Listen, Lenny.
I know I was a pretty bad Secret Santa so I wanted to make it up to you.
A photo cube with pictures of us! And I filed down all the sharp corners.
See? Your eye is completely safe! Oh, wow, it just stings a little.
Oops.
Marge, do you want this last pork chop? I've dreamed of the day you'd say that! Oh, your thoughtfulness tastes so good.
(SOBBING) And tears are the sweetest sauce.
All right, now you're starting to creep me out.
Come on.
Why don't you just take my blood? Yes, I'm old.
Oh, very nice, Ned.
But I'm afraid you're a distant second this week.
I'm not looking for glory or wealth.
I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of.
That was Led Zeppelin.
Get back to your bong, hippie.
(CHUCKLES) Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer? Maybe just a tad, Todd.
I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses.
One problem at a time, boy.
Homie, I'm so proud.
You changed more than I could've imagined.
You're even covering your mouth when you burp.
Just like the pope.
(BURPS) Being unselfish is a natural high like hiking or paint thinner.
And here's another act of Christian charity I pulled out of my butt.
I built a skating rink for the whole town! (GROANS) Activate cloaking device! Oh, I'm so depressed.
Engage candy bar.
Thank you.
(SINGING) Here come sandwiches Here come sandwiches right down Boozy Bum Lane Brother Ned's got cheese on bread and a side order of shame.
Bells Where the H-E-C-K is everybody? Here's your skates.
Oh, you'll have to take off those boots.
Those are my feet.
Eew! Oh, for the love of puppies.
Homer, you're the nicest guy in town.
Ha-ha! Your position has been usurped.
Usurped.
You heard me.
Ha-ha! (CHANTING) You're sad at Christmas.
This just in, Santa Claus is dead.
(SCREAMING) Or he might as well be because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point.
Homer Simpson, seen here in this retouched photo! (GRUNTS IN ANGER) That Homer just burns my waffles.
Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser! (DOORBELL RINGING) Excuse me.
My car broke down.
Well, I'll give you a jump! I'll rotate your tires! I'll even fold up that map for you! I know that can be a dickens of a doozie! Back off, creep! I was looking for Homer Simpson's house! That tears it! I'll show Homer! I'm gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen.
I said "man," not "man-God"! Keep your pants on! Here you go, Principal Skinner, Mrs.
Skinner.
You're actually giving everyone in town a Christmas present? What's your angle, pervert? Oh-ho.
My angle is "givin' in this world, livin' in the next!" But how can you afford all this on a widower's salary? Well, actually I picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity.
(SCREAMING) ROD: Stay out of our medicine cabinet! Pathetic Flanders.
Thinking he can buy people's love with thoughtful gifts.
Cool! Mister Flanders gave me a Krusty brand Operation game.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) KRUSTY'S VOICE: You just tweezered my wang! I'll show Flanders.
I'm gonna give everyone a car.
What's that one good American car? Dad, you don't have to outdo Mister Flanders.
Just remember the spirit of the season.
Is it despair? Actually, most people now feel Christmas has gotten too materialistic.
In fact, as a Buddhist, I believe people would be a lot happier without presents.
Hmm.
You've given me a lot to think about.
LISA: People would be a lot happier without presents.
Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul.
(SIREN BLARING) I'm not going to jail again.
I've got it! When everyone's asleep, I'll take away their presents! Then they'll be happy.
Thanks, Buddha.
I got your badge number.
You better hope I never get out! HOMER: You're a hero, Homer J You're as crafty as a skunk They'll thank you in the morning for stealing Flanders' junk Homer Jay You're a double-bacon genius-burger and just a little drunk Now to hear the joyous sound of people waking up on Christmas to discover they have no presents.
LENNY: Hey, where's my presents? WOMAN: Some jerk stole Christmas! Oh, I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels.
I'd better see my shrink and rob his ass! Someone snuck in and took our presents.
Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him.
He stole my gold tooth the night he left.
He didn't leave.
He went to the store.
And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face! They don't sound happy but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude! Get him! Give back our presents, stupid man! Your behavior, it's like not sanctioned by any governing body.
You're like wild.
Shouldn't you all be singing carols or something? (GROANING) Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong but I've been thinking.
Maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts.
(GROANS) Hey! Wait a minute, everyone! There's your Christmas.
Up there! (ALL EXCLAIM IN AWE) it's a miracle.
That's my last flare.
Somebody better come soon.
(HOWLING) Oh, thank goodness.
Rescue dogs.
(GROWLING) "And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, "'for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy "'which shall be to all people"' Stop that! You can't pray on city property! Let's just say that on this day a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic.
But others don't.
And that's cool.
But we're probably right.
Amen.
ALL: Amen! And now I think the only thing left to do is return all your gifts! Ned? It'd be my pleasure, Homer! Oh, joy! Let's see what we got here.
It's a new brassiere! But I don't even have them, but okay.
I'll make pretend.
What a great Christmas.
Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it.
I ain't got all day, Drama Queen.
Get it over with.
I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me! Who am I kidding? I ain't gonna jump.
(SINGING) Hark, the Herald Angels sing Glory to the new born King Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and singer Barbara Mandrell.
Merry Christmas.
Of the skies Hark the Herald Angels sing Glory to the new born King English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays
The Simpsons s15e08 Episode Script
Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) That's a salt-water croc, the largest reptile in the world! Oh, crikey! She's got me by the dangle-down! This naughty little Sheila can snap a man's ribcage like (CRACKING) Like that! (SCREAMS) Hey, I'm watching that! Not anymore.
ANNOUNCER 1 ON TV: Malibu Stacey wants a craft room and Malibu Ken needs a closet for all his beach thongs.
They'll get help from designer Jeremy on, Dollhouse Do-Overs.
We'll also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you-box.
Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy.
I hope you're happy.
Obviously, yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING) MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.
ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: We'll be right back with Who Will Marry a Million Bears! (SINGING) I like ice cream I like ice cream How about you? Look, Maggie! A show for babies! Topped with chocolate syrup Whipped cream too Mom, that's Roofi.
His music is why babies are idiots.
Well, Maggie likes Roofi.
And babies only like good things.
Why don't you let us watch TV and get her a Roofi CD? Bart! (IN PIG LATIN) Ap-cray.
Ap-cray.
ROOFI: (SINGING) One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks it's on batteries.
Clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Backed up by solar power.
(GROANS) Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Look, Maggie.
Funny Daddy! (GROANING) Too hard.
Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six (SCREAMING) Three, four, pick up the floor (SHUDDERS) (BELL RINGING) Time to go home, Bart.
You don't understand.
I can't go home.
You got to give me detention.
Look! I fed the gerbil coffee! Ah! (INDIFFERENT GRUNT) Please, make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times! We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.
Now go home.
(SINGING) So he went upstairs and knocked on the door There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Twenty-eighth floor, twenty-eighth floor There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Aw! Look how happy she is.
Her eyes aren't focused.
(GROWLS) it makes her happy.
(MUSIC STARTS) So does sucking on the dog.
Hello, Springfield.
Roofi is coming to your town.
One show only.
Tickets will go fast, very fast.
So your parents should be getting in line.
If you don't come, Roofi will be sad.
And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) (SINGING) Tickets, tickets buy them now Roofi he will show you how Visa, AMEX or MC Or make out that check to me! Give Daddy the remote, Maggie.
Give Daddy the D'oh! (LAUGHS) Oh, wise guy, eh? (GROANING) MARGE: I got the Roofi tickets! I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity, not like Janie's mom.
("THREE STOOGES" NOSE TWISTING NOISE) Whatever.
(HORNS HONKING) (GASPS) This concert is oversold.
It's as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously.
ANNOUNCER: And now, our opening act, in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter.
Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard! Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good.
Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, no! It's raining! And Maggie's diapers are extra absorbent.
(CRYING) How's the crowd, Steve? Awful fussy.
You kidding me? Did you make funny faces? You did? Well, did you jiggle your keys? I did it all, man! ANNOUNCER: And now, here's Roofi! (SINGING) Sing the nonsense song with me Yum yum wow Woop de we Flibberty flabberty one two three Ow! Okay, who threw that? Who threw it? REPORTER ON TV: A play date with disaster at Cletus' farm.
I'm at the first aid tent where overwhelmed doctors are trying to sort out the owies from the boo-boos.
Now I'm told we have the leader of the babies on the line.
Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it.
Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't want to go in there.
Some of those babies have their teeth.
And those super sharp little fingernails.
Better leave it to the professionals.
I don't feel right clubbing women and children, chief.
I hear ya.
Some days are tougher than others.
Just close your eyes and club.
CLANCY: This is it, boys.
We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out.
(BLOWING TUMMY KISSES) (BABIES LAUGHING) LOU: This is a bouncer one here, Chief.
KENT: Baby's got backlash! Springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies.
Bad babies, yes, you was.
They destroyed my home and the equity I'd built up therein.
Asked if he intends to take legal action, the farmer replied, "I ain't fungified" "hidee-hoo about no legrification noways," then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.
That riot has far-reaching consequences.
Kabul refuses to be our sister city anymore.
I have no sister city! The babies' damage exceeds $1 million.
Which will now be sucked out of your pockets.
MAN: My loose change! Let me now introduce a woman who wants to make sure that what I just did never happens again.
Good evening.
I'm Lindsay Naegle.
And I am the founder of SSCCATAGAPP.
Singles Seniors Childless Couples and Teens and Gays against Parasitic Parents.
Catchy name.
(CLAMORING) We're tired of picking up the bills for other people's kids.
We already pay millions every year in school taxes.
CROWD: Yeah! Excuse me, everyone.
I'm a mother.
(BOOING) And I'm an American.
CROWD: Yeah! I bake apple pies.
CROWD: Yeah! And I love baseball.
(BOOING) Save your breath for blowing up water wings, breeder.
I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV! Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did.
Children are the future.
Today belongs to me! CROWD: Yeah! You can't change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them! Promises were made! Tough tortellini! I'm sick of printing a children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze! We're tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays! Then how would we ever get to see Camelot? We'll merely watch the movie on tape! Is that better? To me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.
(SINGING) If ever I would leave you it wouldn't be in summer! (BOOING) Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child friendly thing in town! (CROWD CHEERING) (SQUEAKY VOICE) it's time to put away childish things (DEEP VOICE) and become a man! MAN: Talkin' 'bout my generation I hope I die before I get old CALCULATOR: Y? Y? Y? Why don't you all fade away Talkin' 'bout my generation And don't try to dig what we all say KENT: Kids are people, too.
Worthless incomplete people.
That's the battle cry as single Springfield-ites are continuing to run roughshod over children and families.
From now on, children acting up in public places will be lightly tased.
CHILD: Mommy, pick me up.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) I wasn't kidding.
And in downtown Springfield, a statue is being erected to America's most misunderstood hero, "The deadbeat dad.
" That's all? Just a statue? This country makes me sick.
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign Blockin' out the scenery Breakin' my mind Do this, don't do that Can't you read the sign? (CHANTING) Gamble, gamble, gamble! (SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
Miss Naegle, I'm sorry to surprise you like this.
But I thought if we met face to face, we could settle our differences.
Well, let's make it quick.
I know you have to get back to your kids and I'm late for a skydiving massage.
I'll cut to the chase.
I've brought with me the very best reason I can think of for what I believe in.
Her name is Lisa.
And I wouldn't trade her for all the sleep-in Sundays and speed dating in the world.
Miss Naegle, even though I disagree with your principles, I certainly admire your success.
Well, Lisa, I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you.
Mom, I locked your keys in the car.
Then wait in the shadows! Also Maggie puked in your purse again.
Poor me.
All my purse is full of is disposable income.
Sorry, Marge.
I don't think I'll ever understand your point of view.
Not even with all my free time.
Then I guess this means war with the most powerful weapon at my disposal, a voter-sponsored initiative.
(GASPS) You wouldn't dare! I've already drawn up the petition.
Well, I'm not worried.
You won't get that thing on the ballot until the November general election.
No.
The March primary.
Mom, can we get a pretzel? We've got pretzels at home.
Not cinnamon.
Well, we finally got things the way we want them.
Not a highchair or complementary crayon in sight.
I'm gonna tell an anecdote about lovemaking without having to look around.
Truly we have entered a golden age.
(SCREAMING) MARGE: Attention, everyone.
I wish to announce the formation of PPASSCCATAG.
Proud Parents Against Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays.
PPASSCCATAG is also a disease of the brainstem.
That's how I'll remember it.
(LAUGHS) To overturn these horrible anti-family laws, we've prepared the Families Come First initiative.
Now, the first thing we're gonna need is money.
I'm so sorry, Marge.
But I guess you get the bill? Oh, for the love of pizza! Luigi Risotto? That's me.
I'm from the US immigration Department.
Save our families! Sign our petition! The only petitions that I sign are to bring back canceled sitcoms.
Thank you.
America needs the wisdom of Herman's Head now more than ever.
Well, howdy, ma'am.
I represent the tobacco lobby.
And frankly, no politics gets done in this country without a little help from us.
(MARGE GASPS IN SURPRISE) Now we own you! But I haven't endorsed it yet! Football injury.
(LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen.
Forget it.
(ROARS) I guess no one gives a damn about the American family anymore.
I'll sign your petition.
Mr.
Burns? You care about children? Yes.
Particularly their supple young organs.
Oh, unfenced backyard pools, where would I be without you? Hey, if Burns is signing that petition, maybe we should, too.
Yeah.
Rich guys always want what's best for everyone.
Coming up later, what your dog can tell you about your prostate.
But first, Marge Simpson's "Families Come First" initiative seems to be gaining steam.
Leading her opponents to counter with this commercial.
As a mother, I love my family.
That's why I'm against the "Families Come First" initiative.
"Families Come First" will hurt families.
And I love my family too much for that.
(IMITATING MARGE) I'm Marge Simpson, and even I'm against "Families Come First.
" Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife.
That ad makes me look like a criminal! Then why did you appear in it? That wasn't me! Maybe she was you and you're not! How many kids do we have? Three.
Wrong, lady! Oh, wait.
The baby.
MARGE: I try my best.
They ridicule me.
They mock everything I cherish.
Honey, this marriage is a partnership.
When you fall, I pick you up.
And when you can't finish a sandwich, I eat that sandwich.
You're my rock, Homie.
And I promise this rock is gonna weigh you down for the rest of your life.
Aw! Honey, no one messes with my missus.
I'll come down on those guys like the garage door on Bart's bike! What are you going to do? You just leave everything to Homer.
And now I believe you owe me half a sandwich.
I always keep one near the bed for you.
Here comes my commercial.
In six, five, four I probably should've watched it first.
HOMER: You've probably heard a lot of bad things about "Families Come First.
" But newspaper writers are a bunch of jerks.
Who really opposes "Families Come First?" Many childless advocates are like Ben Affleck.
Famous, successful people from out of state! They live in fancy houses in other places.
"Families Come First" is supported by life-long Springfieldians you know and trust.
Like me, Milhouse's dad, Bumblebee Man, Surly Duff, and that jerk that goes, "Yes!" For more information, visit our We're not affiliated.
We're just piggy-backing on their message board.
I am Rudy Giuliani.
Do as I command you.
I am Rudy Giuliani.
Do as I command you.
It says, "Yes on 232.
" We want no on 232! Yes on 242! Either way.
The important thing is the system works.
And the bumper stickers misspelled "on.
" They all say, "Yes No 242.
" And it's the night before the election and you haven't handed them out! I need to be alone right now.
Marge, wait! I am Rudy Giuliani.
You must forgive Homer.
I am Rudy Giuliani.
You must forgive Homer.
I am Bart, we're gonna lose.
We have to do something! Lisa, kids are the problem.
Maybe kids can be the solution! Okay.
But how? Hey, I'm the visionary.
You come up with the nuts and bolts.
Hmm Oh, my God! I just had my most brilliant idea ever! Don't you mean "my" most brilliant idea ever? You don't even know what the idea is.
I know you have an ugly face.
Bart, why are we fighting? Because we're kids.
Kids! Maybe that's the answer! (GROANS) There's the enemy.
Give them all you got.
I love you.
I love glue! I love you! Aw! Such a sweet little thing.
Time to destroy your future.
Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs.
No.
Must participate in democratic process.
(GROANS) I'm afraid the polls have closed.
And on Prop 242, the winner is yes! (ALL GROANING) For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children.
Looks like everything's back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be.
Great.
Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.
Can I bring my laser pointer? What do I care? ROOFI: (SINGING) One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot
The Simpsons s15e09 Episode Script
I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Bart, I got it! I ran here as fast as I Bart, that creepy kid is here.
(VULTURES CAWING) Hey, Milhouse! Oh, what's this? (READING) Oh, wow! This'll look great on my bike.
Flame decal for the chain guard, Marine Corps tassels, bullet-proof seat, and a rub-on tattoo for that special someone.
That's me.
(READING) Oh! MAN: (SINGING) Why don't you come with me, little girl On a magic carpet ride Now to turn on the moto-mimic.
(BIKE MIMICS MOTORCYCLE ENGINE) it sounds like a motorcycle gang.
And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low.
But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou.
That is one bitchin' bike.
Daddy said a cuss word! Lighten up, Roddy.
NELSON: Ha-ha! It's the baby bike brigade.
Hey, Bart.
I used to have a bike like that.
Back before I was born.
Oh, no.
They've got big boy bikes.
Thanks for the tassels.
My mom can wear these on her boobs at work.
(LAUGHS) Hey, give those back! Gentlemen, first gear.
(GROANING) Oh, man, I sure wish I had a ten-speed bike.
A ten-speed bike? What did your mother say? She said, "Yes.
" MARGE: I said no! I'm confused.
Which is it? MARGE: it's no! His old bike is fine.
Yeah, the kitchen lady's right.
No new bike while your old one still works.
I see.
So if my old bike didn't work, I would automatically get a new one? That's right.
No questions asked.
(LAUGHS) Boy, I'm really gonna miss you.
We've really had some great Ooh! A Mercedes! DR.
HIBBERT: What the Halle Berry? Yes! (GASPS) My bike! My crappy, crappy bike! I'm very sorry, Bart.
I'll pay for a new bike.
(LAUGHS) This was a wakeup call.
From now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my Kool & the Gang air freshener.
Celebration's over, boys.
(CAT SCREECHING) (THUD) (GASPS) Snowball! (SOBBING) Snowball ll, I can't believe you're gone.
I wrote this poem for you.
It's called "Cat Math.
" "Four paws, plus one tail," "plus nine lives equals one special cat.
" "One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl.
" I know how you feel, Lise.
No kid wants to outlive their pet.
Oh, sweetie, when I was your age, I lost my guinea pig, Cinnamon.
And I thought the pain would never (GASPS) Oh, Cinnamon! It should've been me who chewed through that extension cord! There, there, you're both right.
Son, would you like to ride your new bike out of the store? Can I? For true? For true, Son.
Hey, pally.
I don't want to downshift your enthusiasm but that's a floor model.
Your bike is in here.
I could put it together right now for a small assembly fee.
Here we go.
Now it starts with the fees.
I'll assemble it myself.
Dad, no! Think of the bike! I can make a bike.
I made you.
Yeah, great workmanship.
Hey, that's gonna win you a lot of bar bets someday.
Man, this is so confusing.
What the hell is this? Oh! (GASPS) Bike's over there.
You actually did it.
You're the coolest, Dad.
(CHUCKLES) Look what my dad just built for me.
ALL: Whoa! Hey, guys.
This butt's for you.
Oh, no! No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down.
This should be every boy's dream.
Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy.
Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access.
(SCREAMING) Oh ANNOUNCER 1 ON TV: We now return to Robot Rumble on the Testosterone Network! All right! ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: Congratulations to our winning father and son team, who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse.
"And you won't be teed off when you come in" "because our steaks are cooked to par-fection.
" "Our leader bar is filled with scrumptious" Two more pages? I'm not reading this.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, boy.
What do you say we build a robot? Face it.
You're not the most mechanical guy in the world.
But you're good at other things like eating while driving! That's something! And nobody gets madder at the news! First of all, thank you.
Secondly My son thinks I'm an oaf.
Mom, I'm not sure I'm ready for a new cat.
When Bad Things Happen to Cute Children says that a new pet will pull you out of your sorrow cycle.
That book doesn't know how I feel.
Oh, it's very wise.
It's written by a Rabbi, who surfs! All right.
I'll look.
Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck up.
Infected eye, clearly a skunk.
(GASPS) Meow! Welcome to the family, Snowball lll.
There's nothing worse than the look on a boy's face when he says, "Dad, I don't think you can build a fully functional robot.
" (SCREAMS) Robot, I command you, do something cool.
Oh.
I could quit now, but then my son will never look up to me.
Oh, why was I born a dad? Why do I suck? Wait a minute.
What is it my dad always said to me? If you can't build a robot, be a robot.
That's it! (KRUSTY CLOCK LAUGHING) KRUSTY CLOCK: It's Tuesday, the first.
If you live in Krusty Brand low-income housing, your rent is due! (YAWNS) (SCREAMS) "Dear Bart, if this robot doesn't prove I love you," "then you can both go to hell.
" (GRUNTS) Hey, it didn't fall apart.
Cool! Now stop! (GASPS HAPPILY) Smash this six-pack! (CHUCKLING) Oh, awesome.
I gotta tell Milhouse! Oh, the beer's gone.
I'll have to suck it out of the shag.
(SINGING) You plop the cat food down You toss the tin can out You drop the worm pills in And you stir it all about You add a lot of lovin' and you serve it to your cat That's what it's all Snowball lll? (GASPS) (SOBBING) Oh, Lisa.
Honey, it's okay.
You're a Buddhist.
So you know your cats are now reincarnated as a higher form of life.
Like a dog or a snowman.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
We gotta go fight some robots! Come on, Homer.
How long does it take to go to the bathroom? Huh? "Dear Bart" HOMER: I'd love to be with you.
But I just remembered an old Army buddy has come to town.
Will meet you later.
Love, Dad.
Well, I wish Homer was here.
But don't worry.
I've got a name all picked out for you.
Chief Knock-A-Homer, let's win this one for Dad! (HOMER BLEEPS) ANNOUNCER 1: In this corner, operated by Frank Murray and little Frankie Junior, Buzzkill! And in this corner, the challenger.
Chief Knock-A-Homer! There's no love lost between these emotionless devices.
Robots rumble! Go, go, go! Go! Go! Oh, jeez.
I'm the only one in the audience over 15.
Are you here with your children, sir? Yeah, my two kids, Screw and You.
(SCREAMING) ANNOUNCER 2: What's this? Knock-A-Homer has dropped his hammer.
Doin' it for the boy.
Pain is love.
To bleed is to care.
ANNOUNCER 2: Can robots feel pain? If so, we are horrible, horrible people.
He's killing him softly with his saw.
Killing him softly? With his saw.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Woo-hoo! I mean, beep-beep.
Mom, I'm not sure if I'm ready to open my heart again.
But this kitten's name is Coltrane.
Maybe it's a sign.
Coltrane? Lisa, I'm glad you're ready to love again.
But a kitty needs a proper name, like Whiskers or Paws Skaggs.
Well, I think it's only fair I get to name him.
You got to name me.
You should be glad I did.
Your father wanted to call you "Bartzina.
" Coltrane, would you like to hear some music written by your namesake? (PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD) Coltrane! "Coltrane, you were with us only briefly" "but we will always have the ride home from the shelter.
" And, um, I guess that's it.
Amen.
And Lord, if you think I'm making lemon bars for your bake sale Sunday, you better stop killing our cats.
Mom, I'm not sure God responds to threats and intimidation.
It's the only way to talk to bullies.
Then Knock-A-Homer did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer! (LAUGHS) Pretended.
Dad, what are all those cuts? Various bug bites and wounds.
Now stop interrupting your brother.
In my day, mechanical men had funnel heads and showed respect! Then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories.
There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad What a handsome lad That's my boy B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad Well, that ain't too bad 'Cause that's my boy Well, you can have your TV and your nightclubs And you can have your drive-in picture show ANNOUNCER 1: Well, if you ever want to see a mailbox shoot a boy, that's about as close as you're gonna get.
Dad, it was so great.
Knock-A-Homer really took a pounding but then he won! (GROANS) Not so rough, Bart.
Daddy can't handle so much love right now.
This robot's the greatest thing you've ever done for me.
I can't believe you've never seen him fight.
Well, I've been busy, Son.
They really need me over at the nuclear "plank.
" Well, the next match is Saturday.
Can you come then? I don't think so, Son.
But on the other hand, I may be closer than you think.
Oh.
So much metal in my eye.
Ladies and gentlemen Who am I kidding? Just gentlemen, join us next week for our title bout when Knock-A-Homer will try to unseat five-time defending champion Smashius Clay, AKA Killhammad Aieee! (CROWD APPLAUDING) Our robot can kick that robot's ass.
Right, Dad? Dad? (SHUDDERS) Oh, no.
My recurring nightmare is coming true.
There are many people I'd like to thank for this award.
My wife Anjelica Houston.
This is for you, Angie.
We did it! ROBOT: Speeches cannot be longer than 30 seconds.
(SCREAMS) Now, a tribute to those who have left us this past year.
(WHIMPERS) BART: Sure he's tough but he's never come up against a wooden mallet.
Listen, Son.
There's something I have to tell you about our robot.
(DOORBELL RINGING) There it is! The thing that makes us respect Bart.
(ALL EXCLAIM IN WONDER) You guys are just in time.
My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot.
Uh I just installed a chip that makes it 10 % more bloodthirsty.
All right! And if anything happens to me, I want you bullies to take care of my boy.
Don't worry.
I'll raise him like the mean streets raised me.
I wish I had bullies like you growing up.
Hey, hey! These cats'd rather take their chances in the back room than go home with you.
(CATS HISSING) My job was to keep Lisa's hope alive.
But instead, she's really depressed.
You think you got problems, look what I just pulled out of my arm! (GASPS) That's what we in the business call a "biggie.
" Business? What business? The business of being a dad.
Can you hand me that magnet? Sure.
(CLANKING) Can you do my back? I guess I'm not meant to own a cat.
I'm much happier petting this leaf.
(EXCLAIMS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Wait! You don't want me to have this cat! (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Look, you don't want to get involved with a girl like me.
My cats have a nasty habit of waking up dead.
Now go.
Cough me out of your life like a bad fur ball.
(GASPS) You're not hurt.
You're a good luck kitty.
All right, old Gil's gonna collect big from insurance.
I'll be eating food tonight.
(HUMMING) (EXPLOSION) I'm keeping you.
You're Snowball V.
But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball ll and pretend this whole thing never happened.
That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
I'll just be moving along, Lisa, Snowball ll.
(EXPLOSION) Okay, I've been studying Frink's robot.
And I've discovered he has one small weak spot.
This goes here Yeah.
Oh-oh.
His weak spot is now his strongest point.
(HOMER MOANS) That moan sounded almost human.
HOMER: The hell it did.
(BELL DINGS) ANNOUNCER: End of round one, (SINGING) B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad But that ain't too bad, because that's my boy You look a little sluggish out there, boy.
I better open you up.
(GASPS) Dad? Bart, I'm sorry.
I could never build a robot this awesome.
I'm a fraud! So you fought all those robots? Affirmative.
That is so cool! You really think so? Yeah! Any Poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together.
You risked your own life.
Even though you're the sole provider for a family of five! I am the luckiest kid in the world! And I am the luckiest ANNOUNCER: Round two! Oh, no! Dad! (SIGHS) (ALL EXCLAIM) That robot has given birth to a man! Hey, what gives? He's not killing me.
FRINK: I'll tell you what gives.
I'm afraid he is subject to lsaac Asimov's laws of robotics, with the sci-fi and the so many books, not too many good.
My robot is programmed never to harm humans, you see? Only to serve them.
Mmm.
He knows just how I like my martinis.
Full of alcohol.
Go, go, go! Now's your chance! (CHUCKLES) Bart, all that button ever did was send a mild electric shock up my backside.
Why did you make it do that? To keep me focused.
And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine, man! (BOOING) Show me where in the rulebook it says that a human can't be a robot.
Right here.
Rule One.
Well, then Join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble! I concur! (BOOING) Son, did you ever suspect it was me? Well, you did disappear a lot but I've gone whole summers without seeing you.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
I'm pretty unreliable.
I like you, Son.
I like you, too, Dad.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Diatribe of a Mad Housewife
The Simpsons s15e10 Episode Script
Diatribe of a Mad Housewife
The Simpsons S15E10 " Diatribe of a mad housewife " Official captions captured by d-ohh! ( Screams ) captioning sponsored by fox broadcasting company and twentieth century fox Let's see.
I'll have 16 gravy scrape 'ems, a bucket of twisty lard, and two super-choker breakfast burritos with macho sauce.
And mega-size it, please.
Squeaky-voiced teen: I could also deep-fry the bag.
Great.
And I'll have a diet coke-- deep-fried.
Mmm mmm! Mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm hmm need more lap.
I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! ( Tires screeching ) ohh! Why don't I just pull over? ( Tires sreeching ) ( screams ) ( tires squealing ) can't stop! Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! ( Alarm wailing ) intruder detected.
Calling local police.
( Dialing ) ( busy signal ) line busy.
Shutting down.
Mr.
Burns, the department of nuclear security is very impressed with your plant.
Yes.
We're well-protected against every threat, from bomb-toting bolsheviks to golden-armed jazzbos.
( Shuddering ) ( tires squealing, crash ) homer: Oh, no! I hit the grief counselor! Promise me you'll report this.
Consider yourself fired! I had a car! Mom, can we go into this bookstore? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please? Well, I could use a muffin.
I'm going to go up to the fourth floor where the books are.
I'm gonna taunt the phd'S.
Hey, guys, I heard an assistant professorship just opened up.
Oh! Where? Ooh! At the university of psyche! Aw! Aw! ( Chuckling ) ( gasps ) esme delacroix? She wrote to kiss a scoundrel! "And they tumbled to the heather, "breeches to bustle, crinoline to burlap, their mansion in ashes, their passion aflame.
" End of chapter one.
( Sighing and applauding ) yeah.
When it happens in a book, it's romantic.
But, when willie tries to kiss ya, you're all pepper spray and fingernails.
( Clearing throat ): Marge simpson, longtime reader, first-time stander-upper.
Did you have any special training to become a writer? Just a class at the "y"-- yale university.
But anyone with passion can write.
Anyone? If I write a book, will they tell me when it comes out? Well, they should, yes.
Then I'll do it! I gotta get a job before marge finds out I was fired.
Ah! That's it! I'll steal this sign, and they'll pay me to make them a new one! I'll show you what we do with scammers like you! Okay, here's how it goes: Buyers never tell you what they're willing to spend.
And, wthey talk privately, we spy on them through this one-way mirror.
We'll clean out those stupid americans.
( Chuckling ) you probably want to talk this over, so I'll leave you two "alone.
" ( Maniacal laughter ) excuse me.
Well, honey, what do you think? Did that salesman cut one during the test drive? Yeah.
And, for some reason, he turned on the radio to cover up the smell.
Let's get out of here.
I'm not shaking that guy's hand.
They'll be back.
( Salsa music playing ) aw! He was my best friend.
( Goofy warbling ) hmm! Cool! An ambulance from the '60s! I bet a lot of hippies were denied care in this thing.
( Chuckling ): Injuhippies.
Aw, we'll never sell this thing.
The brakes are shot, the engine's rusted.
The only thing that works is the siren.
( Siren blaring ) siren: Buy me! Buy me! Buy me! I'll do it! Do what? ( Siren blaring ) guess what.
I quit my job as a used car salesman.
You work at the nuclear plant.
Get with the program, marge.
Your husband is now an ambulance driver.
Don't you need training for that? Maybe on planet zoozoo.
Hey, I think it's cool.
I can defibrillate lisa! Not if I pump your heart full of morphine first! Kids! Kids! Those aren't your toys.
They're to keep daddy asleep and awake.
( Moans ) ( yells ) I'm gonna need them on my first shift tonight.
Tonight? But I was hoping you could watch the kids while I work on my novel.
Slow down, picasso! You were gonna start a novel without informing me? Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call.
I also fed some ducklings.
I know.
I got your message.
Fine, fine.
I'll take the kids tonight, and you go to your precious hair appointment.
I'm writing a novel! Whatever.
But I think you look great already.
Thank you! Hmm what should I write about? That painting has always sparked my imagination.
That's it! A novel about whaling.
That's something you haven't seen before.
Thank you, "scene from moby-dick.
" "Chapter one: Starts and beginnings.
"'Swim, swim, swim,' thought the whale, flapping his floppers.
" Brownie break! "Mayor quimby, disco stu, and our fighting men and women overseas.
" Well, I finished the "thank yous.
" Time to go back to the novel.
Temperance barrows stared at the sea like a dog stares at a ham.
Ooh, I just finished my first paragraph.
Spell check! Perfect! Now, let's see if lightning strikes twice! Where to, mack? For the third time, the hospital.
You're an ambulance, not a taxi! Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone's goin' there tonight.
Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.
Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is.
Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere! For temperance, the days passed on as did seven of her ten children.
When will father return from his whaling voyage? This family has not seen whale meat for a onemonth.
Bartleby, leezakiah, we must be grateful for what we have.
Family, the good lord has blessed my voyage! Behold his bounty! And for you, good wife, virginia's miracle crop tobacco.
Ooh, it has colored my teeth a healthy brown.
Was there ever a more perfect husband than you? ( Siren approaching ) marge, I'm back! Oh, homie, I've had the most exciting day yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need some dinner, stat! And the kids need some cpr lessons.
We're not paramedics! I'll say.
Oh good, you can use that to take down my dinner order.
I'll start with the soup, then a nice mixed grill with a side of wild rice.
Fine.
Right after this revision! Temperance had to face the unhappy truth she had married a brute.
Hey, baby.
I've returned from portsmouth.
Now let me put my tongue down yourmouth.
( Loud, slobbering kiss ) ugh! Now cook up my catch.
( Grunting ) a seagull? The whales weren't biting, okay? I know you did your best.
Yeah, yeah, you know everything, don't you? Now don't wait up.
I'll be at moab'S.
This story is as dark as those new milky way bars.
Ooh, that's a good analogy.
I'll work it in somewhere.
But now I need some romance, pronto! Hey, marge, you look like you could use a nice big stud detector.
They were two for one at krusty home depot, so I got an extra one for you guys! Ned, that's so considerate.
Well, some say being thoughtful is old-fashioned.
If so, then I guess I'm just a cave man.
If they existed, which they didn'T.
Boy, when you write, you can let your imagination run wild.
Temperance was doing the laundry man: My, those are pretty calluses.
And your back has a nice new england hump.
I'm cyrus manley, and I'm new to the island.
Perhaps you could show me around? Nantucket is an island? What do you know? It is! Well, I could take you on a tour.
As long as my husband doesn't need me.
( Drunkenly ): Hey, baby, I know we work together, but I think you're hot.
Let's go.
I've never met a man like you.
You listen to what I say your body has known the cleansing touch of soap prithee, tell me thou art not a sodomite.
Nope, not even a gomorrahian.
Oh, temperance, I've got an overpowering urge to see you with your hat off.
Mmm, I can'T.
I must remember my wedding vows.
Did you promise to be miserable, to be taken for granted by a drunken lout? Pretty much.
We wrote our own vows.
Enough talk! I need to see how you look up there! ( Gasps ) and to think my mother had one of those.
( Sighs ): I'm finished! And it's so suggestive.
But like they say, "snuggling sells.
" Now, do I dare push "print"? ( Grunting ) ooh! Oh, ah, mm! Well, what do you think? Hm I can't believe mom wrote a book before we did.
And it's a little trashy.
Mom has expressed herself.
We should nurture her.
Let's kiss boys.
Binge and purge.
Rock and roll! You're not gettin' out till we're 16! ( Snarling ) I'm proud of you, mom.
But just one thing: Isn't your book a little hard on dad? ( Nervous chuckling ) what do you mean? My book is set in whaling times.
"Captain mordecai stared at the shop window "full of powdered blowholes.
'Mmm, blowholes,' he drooled.
" Sounds like dad to me.
Well, I guess that part is loosely based on your father.
Maybe you should let dad read your book before you submit it to publishers.
I suppose I better.
Your father's a very private person.
Marge! We're out of bath towels.
( Bells tinkling ) ooh, ice cream truck! Here in my car I am hosing off blood some of it's mine but most of it's not here's marge homie, I finished my novel.
Ooh, typed! It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
No problem.
Ohh 286 pages! It's double-spaced.
Whoo-hoo, I'm halfway through! All right, "chapter one.
" Hmm! That makes sense.
"There once was a girl from nantucket" good, good "her name was temperance barrows "and her heart was heavy with feeling.
She" ( snoring ) no! Gotta read marge's book.
Can't get distracted.
( Laughs ): "Distracted.
" That's a funny word.
Does anyone ever get "tracted?" Let me call the suicide hot line and ask them.
Well? Well, what? Did you read the book? Oh, yes.
Did you like it? I did.
Oh, oh that's wonderful.
And-and the characters didn't bother you at all? No! They were all, in their own way, totally awesome.
And you're fine with me trying to get it published? As I've always said: "Publish or perish"! Oh, homie! Homer: Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.
( Chuckling ) ( phone ringing ) hello? Marge, this is the best first novel my assistant has ever summarized for me.
Now, all we need are some endorsements from famous writers.
Here's your quote: "Thomas pynchon loved this book! Almost as much as he loves cameras.
" Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author.
Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph.
But wait, there's more hello, this is tom clancy.
Would I say "if you're hunting for a good read this october, "marge simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time?" Hell no I wouldn't ! What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello? Hello? If dad ever reads that book, he's gonna be so humiliated.
He'll never read it.
What if they make it into a movie? He'll never see it.
What if they parody it on mad tv? We're doomed.
So how much bleach did you drink? Not a talker, eh? I loved this book, marge.
Very psychological.
Dr.
Marvin monroe?! I haven't seen you in years.
Oh, I've been very sick.
If you ask me, this book sounds like marge and homer.
No one asked you.
Think about it: The boorish husband, the neglected wife, the sensitive hunk down the road ( chuckles ) and on page 72, temperance's name changes to marge for three paragraphs.
Can you believe marge ( all talking excitedly ) those poor kids .
.
homer doesn't know.
Can you believe that homer and marge's marriage is just a sham? All right, I'll order.
Um, I'll have a medium pepperoni.
And could you space out the meat so that it spells "happy birthday, moe"? ( Sobbing ) oh, god, I'm alone! ( Siren blaring ) apu, do you sell crazy straws? I've got a guy with a broken back, and I'm trying to cheer him up.
Oh, mr.
Homer, anything for a cuckolded boob I mean, uh, loyal customer.
What are you talking about? Nothing, nothing.
It just seems your wife has an active imagination.
Why do you keep talking that way? You'll see when you read your wife's book.
Well, then, maybe I will! If you do, you'll see she lusts for flanders.
That one I got.
This is how you talk when you learn english from porno movies.
I'll have to read marge's book.
And I swore never to read again after to kill a mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds.
It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?! Homer: The harpooned heart.
Hmm.
Book on tape.
As read by mary-kate and ashley olsen? Ashley olsen ( on tape ): The harpooned heart by marge simpson.
Your turn, mary-kate.
Mary-kate: There once was a girl from nantucket.
Her name was temperance barrows, and her heart was heavy with feeling.
Take it, ashley.
Ashley: Temperance was trapped in a loveless marriage.
Bummer.
I didn't knowpeople were sad in the past.
The harpooned heart ii: Thunder down under.
Chapter one.
Temperance barrows stared at the shrimp on the barbie.
How can you write such horrible things about me?! You told me you liked it! You didn't rit at all! You lied to me! I didn't lie.
I was writing fict with my mouth.
Just tell me how much of this is true! Well, there is a place called nantucket.
I knew it! ( Sobbing ) and what about the romance between you and cyrus? It was only my imagination.
Well, I'll make sure you never imagine anything again! ( Knocking ) homer: Flanders! Open this door right now! Well, I guess it wouldn't kill me to let you in.
( Grunting and shouting ) ( shouting continues ) oop.
What are you doing here? Stealing doormats.
( Tires screech ) ( tires screech ) dad's gonna catch flanders, just like the end of mom's book.
Oh, yeah.
How does that go again? ( Groans ): Didn't you read mom's book? Fine, I'll tell you how it ends.
The brutish captain mordecai has cornered his rival, cyrus.
Put that harpoon down, captain.
You wouldn't kill the father of your next child, would you? Oops.
( Ferocious yell ) temperance! I'll treasure your memory as long as I ( thud ) oh, no! Not the new guy! ( Laughing heartily ) now that your boyfriend's dead, I'm free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy ( yelling ) marge: As temperance watched the two men she had loved, and the one whale she admired, disappear into the ocean, she realized it was the end.
( Siren blaring ) flanders, pull over! I'm an ambulance! Well, he's got me there.
Dear lord, please make homer's blows precise and deadly with a minimum of pain.
Oh, and forgive me for those impure thoughts I had about the girl on the raisin box.
Flanders, I'm gonna do something I should've done a long time ago.
Would you help me be a better husband? Huh? In marge's book, I was so mean and you were so nice.
How can I be more like you? Just give me some advice.
( Relieved sigh ): Advice? ( Chuckles ): Just call me ann flanders! Uh-huh.
Oh, and another thing please, homie, don't hurt him! .
.
And-and a back rub can just be a back rub.
It doesn't have to lead to adult situations.
Why would I rub her back unless I wanted to get some oh, to make her feel good.
Oh, homie! You're trying to improve yourself, and it's because of my book.
That's right.
I love you, marge, and I realize now I should show you more often.
The end of your book was the wake-up call I needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book.
That's the best review I've gotten.
Seriously.
These reviews are terrible.
Don't worry about those losers, marge.
I think it's time we went home and collaborated on a little project of our own.
( Chuckling ) marge, I got it all figured out.
Lee harvey oswald wanted to steal the jack ruby.
Jack ruby was a man, not a jewel.
( Anguished groan ) all right, we're back to square one.
Put on some coffee.
( Groans ) I was so close.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Margical History Tour
The Simpsons s15e11 Episode Script
Margical History Tour
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (DINGS) I have to research a paper.
Where did all the books go? Books? Books are for squares.
We're now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages But mostly bums.
(SNORING) BART: Ay, caramba! Huh? What? (LISA READING) There are hardly any books at all.
No books? But Krabappel wants a paper on Henry VIII.
And I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it.
Aw.
There, there.
I can help you kids.
(ALL GASPING) I know a little something about history.
Gather round.
Henry VIII had everything he could want, except a son to follow in his footsteps.
(FANFARE PLAYING) (SINGING) I'm Henry the Eighth, I am Henry the Eighth, I am, I am I've been eating since 6:00 a.
m.
For dessert I'll have dinner again My name's synonymous with gluttony I'll always eat a turkey or a ham Stop singing that song! We all know who you are! Her Majesty, Margarine of Aragon! What are you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.
Your Majesty, I know you want a son.
But must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court? (ALL LAUGHING) As royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.
(GROANS) (MUTTERING) Must sire a dude.
Must sire a dude.
Father dearest, I am the son you crave.
I'm smart, athletic and ever so masculine.
Could a girl belch like this? (BELCHES) Oh! My beautiful boy! Why can't I have you? I don't know.
Too much jerkin' your merkin? Why you little Get out of my dreams and into my wife! I could've married the King of France.
He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation.
Ting-a-ling-a-ling.
Know what I mean? Oh, look at me.
I eat and eat and eat, and I never get any thinner.
Well, there's more of you to worship, O Sire.
Who would dare to flatter a king? Anne Boleyn, loyal subject, big fan.
Modern Wench magazine dubbed me "Anne of the child-bearing hips.
" Yes.
Wide hips indeed.
My son could cartwheel out.
Yoink! Hey! Where are you taking me? Marriage counseling.
(MOANS) Mmm.
We came here to talk about our problems.
Fine! I want to marry Anne Boleyn.
But I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain! Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work.
And who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get busy! Woo-hoo! Divorce? Sire, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church.
But it's the only church we've got, so what are you gonna do? I'll start my own church.
What? Yes, my own church.
Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of marriages will end in it.
Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate ltalian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
Mmm, I understand.
And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you.
I can see my house! Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart.
It's not your fault.
It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything.
So grow a penis or get lost.
(STRAINING) I can't.
Buh-bye.
Well, why can't your heir be female? Or why can't we elect our leaders? I wonder if I could canonize a child? Leaving! Hey, I invented divorce! How did you get half of everything? You should've invented the pre-nup.
And now half of your kingdom, please.
I get lreland? (LAUGHS) And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you king and trophy queen.
In the name of the Henry, the Hank, and the holy Harry Amen.
Henry.
Okay.
Now let's put a son in the oven.
Oh, Henry! Henry, sorry I bore you a daughter.
(CHUCKLES) Stop.
Anne, I love her as much as I love you.
(DRUM ROLL) Your head lives for five seconds afterwards so I left a magazine in the basket.
Oh, my horoscope! "Today will bring welcome new changes into your life.
" Wrong! Sir Scratchy, I accuse you of conducting a Catholic mass! Lord ltchy, I accuse you of not signing the Act of Succession.
(GRUNTING) (MOANS) if only I had a son to enjoy this with.
Hey, baby.
How would you like to be queen for a day? (LAUGHS) it's funny, 'cause you're king.
Do you, Jane Seymour, take this king to be your lawfully wedded husband till your first little spat? I do! I double do! Henry is the ginchiest! The Lord is my I told you I was a dude! You didn't dump me.
I dumped you (SCOFFS) Why on earth did I marry you? My track record! I've had 10 sons.
Now take a ride on the kingmaker! (SHUDDERS) Swing and a miss! Come on! I'm 95.
You could use a butter knife, for God's sake.
Don't just stand there.
Bury me.
Sire, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news, but, well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto.
I'll show you running out of pikes! Hey, what do you know? You were right.
That means a lot.
My whole life, I was looking for that one woman whose execution could bring me happiness.
Now I realize I was just beheading myself for divorcing you.
And locking me in a dungeon.
(LAUGHS) (COUGHS) Listen to us.
We still finish each other's sentences.
Margarine, won't you take back an old head-chopping fool? Of course, Your Majesty.
Let me just fluff your pillow for you.
(GASPING) See ya in hell, fat man! Finally, Henry's daughter Elizabeth became queen.
England's power was never greater.
And British actresses always had a role to play when they got to a certain age.
That was awesome, Mrs.
S.
Check plus-plus, here I come! (GIGGLING EXCITEDLY) (GRUNTS) Wow.
The library really is a great resource! And I just came in here to trip nerds for nothin'.
Ha-ha! Mom, I can't find anything on Sacagawea.
Just a couple of books on Ron Santo.
No problem.
In elementary school, we girls learned about Sacagawea while the boys were learning math.
Okay.
All right! Toilet paper! In 1804, President Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark and some embedded journalists to find the Northwest Passage.
They paddled up the Mississippi from St.
Louis.
When winter came, Lewis and Clark tried to set up camp, but encountered much hardship.
(STRAINING) Come spring, they sought help from Native Americans.
Long have we awaited the coming of the white man And Carl.
Thanks.
And welcome to the United States of America.
Have a flag.
And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll get right on it.
Now, in order to aid your journey across the land I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea.
In our language, her name means "little know-it-all" "who won't shut her maize hole.
" I will be happy to help the Americans.
Of course, I will be sad to leave my husband, the French fur trader, Charbonneau.
I will come with you.
Because by myself, the darkness, she scares me.
I don't know why I ever sold you to him.
Okay, those berries are poison.
Those leaves are poison oak.
And your belt is a snake, also poisonous.
I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude.
You know these (GROANING) I'm dying! But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion, try to make yourself look as big as possible.
And when you get a chance, bury your friend.
Hey, we're still mourning.
Let's get a drink.
All right, customers! And they said you couldn't open a bar in Kansas.
Hey Hey! Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit.
That'll do it.
(GROANS) LEWIS: At last the Pacific Ocean.
SACAGAWEA: That's a mud puddle.
Some of us find solutions instead of just pointing out problems.
How did you two ever get to be explorers? We got the job because we own a compass.
Turns out the needle was just painted on.
It's been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here.
You morons! (ALL GASP) (GUNS COCKING) (BOWS COCKING) Wait! That's my brother! Don't kill them! They're my friends! Oh, come on.
Can't we at least have one pity scalp? Ah! My brother-in-law.
I haven't seen you since I killed all your buffalo.
Water under the bridge, eh? Eh? Don't forget the eyebrows.
CLARK: Wow, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get us some sweet mermaid sex.
For the last time, those are salmon! How do you like that? Sacagawea has an opinion.
Big surprise.
You know, you could be a little more grateful to us for civilizing you.
(BLOWS NOSE) I am the only reason you guys made it this far alive! From now on, you're on your own! Stupid things with their compasses painted on.
She'll be back.
She forgot her husband.
Ingrates, after all I did for them.
Oh, warm, wooly rock, you're my only friend.
(ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) (ROARING) We're big! We're big! Which you mountain lions find terrifying! (MEOWS IN FRIGHT) (GASPS) They remembered what I taught them! Of course we did.
We'll never forget you, Pocahontas.
Sacagawea.
Gesundheit.
(GASPS) Look! The Pacific Ocean! We made it! We discovered the magnificent Pacific Northwest.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) I say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty.
Eugene, Oregon! And we owe it all to you.
You're gonna get the greatest honor this country can bestow.
And today, Lewis' promise has been fulfilled.
What is that? A quarter? A Chuck E.
Cheese token? No! It's a Sacagawea dollar.
You can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar! Huh? Bart, what famous historical figure do you want to write about? I don't know.
The boogeyman? Come on, Bart.
We can make this fun.
History's like an amusement park, except instead of rides, you have dates to memorize.
Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.
Boring? Is there anything boring about a bad-ass rocker who lived fast and died young? I know there's a catch, but tell me more.
As a young prodigy, this popular musician wowed audiences across 18th century Europe.
And now the star of our show, my son, Mozart! He makes Bach turn back.
Haydn go into hidin', and, well, those are the only ones there have been so far.
(CHEERING) Hello, Vienna! Are there any aficionados in the house? Yeah! Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! I can't hear you! Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! (PLAYING TURKISH RONDO) (SQUEALING) Great show, Son, but you forgot to push the merchandize.
Huh? Huh? Papa, let me be the headliner.
I always show up on time and I close the piano lid ever so softly.
Oh, little Salieri, why don't you go play with the other three untalented members of our family? Tito, Randy, and Jermaine.
(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING) Sally, no one practices as hard as you.
But it's your brother who keeps us in lead-based face powder.
(SWOONING) (MOANS IN DELIGHT) (HARPSICHORD PLAYING) Ew! A plague rat! (LAUGHING) Don't you have music to write? I'm doing it right now.
I call this my "Symphony in Gee, My Sister Sucks.
" (GROWLS) (CHUCKLES) O Lord, why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool? Because you are ugly! What is it about music that enchants us? The notes.
Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst.
"Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?" For outstanding composer age 10 and under, the winner is Please let me win.
Mozart.
(CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow! (ALL LAUGHING) Wow, it's sold out.
Mincing room only.
(GIGGLING) I hope they like the opera.
Oh, they're like sheep.
As the emperor goes, so do they.
(CHUCKLES SMUGLY) Wine here! Get your wine! Claret, Port, Riesling! Emperors drink free.
I'm an emperor! (BUBBLES AND SIZZLES) Nachti-Nacht.
(CACKLES) (SINGING) Beans, oh, beans, delicious in your mouth But watch out When beans come out down south Tooting, some call it pooting It's air-polluting The gas comes shooting right from your butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt Ooh! This makes me want to fop till I drop.
(MOANING) I say (YAWNING) (SNORING) The emperor finds it boring.
Then so do we.
(TITTERING) (SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible! (CACKLES) To failure, dear brother.
Oops.
(SNORING) (REQUIEM PLAYING) (COUGHING) (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill.
So I brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria.
Guten Tag, everybody.
Guten Tag, Dr.
Nick.
I can tell from here you have too much blood.
Let's get you covered in leeches.
Don't be shy.
Eat the little boy.
Now, in the morning, you'll be good as new or dead! But the important thing is we'll know.
(REQUIEM PLAYING) (SOBBING) Mozart, you can't die.
(MUSIC STOPS) I don't want to live in a world without the income you produce.
(SOBBING) (SNIFFLING) I'll never forget when you were a little baby and I sang you the lullabies you wrote.
Where is my sister? Where is darling Salieri? (SOBBING) I never wanted you to die.
I just wanted to destroy your talent and your joy.
Dear sister, I have a confession.
In the eyes of history, I always thought your music would be judged the best.
Really? But now that I'm dying young I'll be cool forever.
(SIGHS) Eat my pantaloons! (REQUIEM PLAYING) Mozart is dead! (ALL GASP) Get you genuine death masks! Fresh off the corpse! Be the first on your block to give me money! (CHUCKLES SMUGLY) I must show the emperor my Requiem Mass.
With Mozart dead, I am, at last, the greatest composer alive! (CACKLES) You'll have to wait your turn.
The emperor is with yet another musical prodigy.
(PLAYING PIANO) Splendid, young Beethoven.
I hereby declare all other music obsolete.
(CACKLES TO THE TUNE OF BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY) (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) (WHISTLES) (MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY) (LAUGHS INSANELY) And that's the life of Mozart.
Thank God he died young.
I've gotta get dinner on the stove.
Mom, that sounds a lot like the movie Amadeus which was historically inaccurate.
Mozart worked hard on his music.
Salieri was a respected composer.
All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House.
Now there's a movie with good music.
(SINGING) Animal house, house, house Nobody ever went to class Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass Animal house, house, house Then they did the end like American Graffiti Where you found out what happened to everyone English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Smart & Smarter
The Simpsons s15e13 Episode Script
Smart & Smarter
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GIGGLING) Wait till he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat! (GIGGLING) (TOILET FLUSHING) Huh? Where's the Ee-yow? All yours, Homer.
You didn't sit on the toilet.
I didn't have to.
I'm a dude.
(GRUNTS) Butt on bowl, little man! (BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter! Ee-yow! (LAUGHING) Why you little (CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it? Ah! (WHIRRING) (GAGGING) (HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run! What's going on? Uh, I'll tell you what's going on.
I'm taking you all out for pancakes.
ALL: Yay! Yeah! BART: This place looks familiar.
It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
They just painted the tower brown.
Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.
(INDISTINCT TALKING) Hey, Apu.
What's with the line? It's application day at Miss Wickerbottom's Pre-Nursery School.
Pre-nursery school? The fast track begins at birth.
That's it! Claw and bite for position! We have only enough tuition money for two.
For the rest of you, better luck next life.
That's a lot of pressure to put on a baby.
All they should be worried about is the Raspberry Monster! (MARGE BLOWING RASPBERRIES) (MAGGIE GIGGLING) You know, Marge makes a good point.
Competitive schools aren't for every baby.
(LAUGHING) Are you saying my daughter can't cut it just because I owe you $14,000? I'll show you! Come on, Maggie.
You're getting into that school.
I will hire a collection agency.
Which one? Tri-City, Omni-Pay, lnsta-Threat? I've beaten 'em all! The pig says "oink.
" The chicken HENRY: Look, stop right there.
I could go to any Chuck E.
Cheese in America and hear what animals say.
Do you know what I say? I say, "Next.
" You're a poopie! You nurse with that mouth? And what's your name? Maggie.
I'm sorry, but why are you answering for her? Maggie doesn't talk yet.
Not a word? Oh, no, no.
She says lots of words.
Like when she wants something, she says (GRUNTING) Maggie, we're not a mime school, so we can't take a non-talker.
But here's some good news.
The Gap will always need sweater folders.
I'm sorry we wasted your time, your lordship.
(MARGE GRUMBLING) My baby has no future.
Oh, Maggie will do just fine.
She'll have plenty of money, because she'll marry a grocer Grocers don't make that much.
who steals from the till.
Would ya let me finish? Jeez! Maggie, you're as smart as any one of those kids.
Come on.
Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle? (ALL GRUNTING) I'm taking you all out for tacos! BOTH: Yay! Okay, for Malibu Stacy's beach party, we've got pita, hummus, tempeh, tofu.
What other fun foods do we need? Ice? Did you do that? (GIGGLING) Okay.
What's a good side dish? Rice.
Why not caviar? Oh, my God! You're not just smart, you're brilliant! Mom! Well, look who's back.
Pippi Non-talking.
Just because Maggie can't talk, doesn't mean she's dumb.
Einstein didn't speak till he was three.
And even then, he could only speak German.
Fine.
I'll give her an lQ test if only to extinguish all hope.
All right, my quiet American, how many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie.
You can do it.
Well, congratulations.
You're now as intelligent as a pig.
Let's see if you can move up to dolphin.
How many people in your family? (GASPS) Woo-hoo! I got that one right, too.
(LAUGHING ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Okay, last question.
Arrange these four arrows to make five arrows.
I remind you, you only have 15 Oh.
ALL: Ooh! Yeah! Philippa, I think you should come in here.
Your baby is brilliant.
Why, she could already teach at Florida State.
Oh, my God! Yay! Go, Maggie! Go, Seminoles! This better be important, Henry.
I was choking on something.
Meet Maggie Simpson, lQ 167.
One sixty-seven! That's amazing for a Christian.
But my lQ is only 159.
Maggie's more intelligent than me? That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159.
Do you see how that works? Yes, thank you.
So our kids keep getting smarter.
If we have another one, it could build a time machine, which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids! All our children are smart.
Some are just smarter than the others.
Welcome to the others.
(SCREAMS) MARGE: Maggie, look at all the stuff your new school sent over.
Look at these courses you'll be taking.
Advanced Peekaboo.
(MAGGIE GIGGLING) Got Your Nose and Other Lies.
(READING) (LAUGHING) I'm slapping this sucker right over "Support Our Troops.
" Look, Lisa.
There's something in here for you! Really? (GROANS) And Maggie gets a shirt, too.
(SCOFFS) Sweetie, you seem so blue.
Did the last of something die? No, Mom.
It's just that I used to be the smart one.
Now, I don't know who I am.
Well, I know who you are.
And here's something to help you never forget.
I already have one of those.
Well then, find a new identity.
Hmm.
Your mother's right, honey.
Katie Couric didn't just become the world's most famous dwarf.
She escaped from the circus and went for it! All right.
If I'm second-rate as the smart kid, I'll find a new raison d'etre.
That still sounds like the smart kid.
Right, right.
Time to show them the new me.
No one's happier and more well-adjusted than a stand-up comedian.
How about these entrees? Stuffed cabbage? Can you believe they found a way to make cabbage worse? (LAUGHING) All right.
So what else is going on? Let's see.
Hey, why do they call them "field trips"? We never go to a field.
Oh, untrue.
Last Thursday, we visited a battlefield.
Uh, well, I I'm bem-barrassed for you.
The following "ha-ha" is not from amusement but an expression of contempt.
Ha-ha! (GROANING) Okay, okay, don't get discouraged.
Every me they reject gets me closer to the me they'll like.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan? It's called goth, eternally clueless one.
My new name is Ravencrow Never Smiles.
Cool.
We can be goth together.
We'll go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
But first, you must apprentice by kissing the goddess lronica, uh, who lives in this rock.
Do it for an hour, hour and a half.
Yes, my mistress.
(KISSING) Who's that girl running around with you Tell me who's that girl Oh, none of these feel right.
Wait, wait.
Did I try soccer player? Tried and failed.
(GROANING) I'm a mess.
I can't believe I'm jealous of a baby.
Hey, I'm jealous of her, too.
When you're a baby, you spend all day just rolling around on the floor.
Boy, I miss that.
Ow! Fine.
Roll around on the floor, baby.
(GRUMBLING) Floor baby! Floor baby! You're making fun of him for something you made him do! Yeah? Well, you're gay.
People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality.
Um, uh (GRUNTS) Bullies rule! The school sent this dealie over for Maggie.
His name is Phonic Frog.
PHONIC FROG: Aw.
Buh.
Kkk.
Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
(LAUGHING) That's me.
Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
This is Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er's doctor.
He's too sick to work today.
(CHUCKLING) I'll be right back.
(WHINING) Fine.
I'll help you with your stupid flashcards.
(CHUCKLING) Aren't you smart? Let's try another one.
A little harder this time.
Hmm? (SNORING) (HESITANTLY) No, that's wrong.
That's right! This spells "dog.
" MARGE: Lisa! (SCREAMS) You are purposely teaching her the wrong word! Lisa, I'm surprised.
Your sister just wants to learn and be like you! Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
PHONIC FROG: I agree with your mother.
You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
(SOBBING) (MUTTERING) I used to be the smart one.
(BELL RINGING) PHONIC FROG: Where is my dinner? Maggie, you're such a quick learner.
Why don't you learn how to fly? But I love you.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) (GASPING) (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z Goodbye, Maggie.
I'm smart enough to know you're better off without me.
(SIGHING) Two cents.
I'm sure a lot of great people have started with less.
Nope.
Never under a dollar.
(SIGHS) MARGE: Lisa's gone! You have to find her! Why can't you just accept the fact that Lisa is old enough to take care of herself? Back off and let her live her life.
But she's only eight.
Oh, I thought you said 80.
Well, we'll get right on it.
Now, this may not be the best time, but I'm supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the Springfield Police Department.
"Somewhat satisfied.
" I see.
Well, maybe I'll just somewhat find your daughter, huh? Fine.
"Extremely satisfied.
" Looking good, boys.
Now, let's go get some smoothies.
Oh, I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
Red plastic sandals are not great running away shoes.
(GASPING) Air conditioning, water fountains, dioramas! And I'll never run into my family here! It's the perfect place to start a new life! (ATTENDANT MUTTERING) (GIGGLING) No food allowed.
You can't hide it in your clothes.
Would you please step out of the line, sir? Go ahead and search.
You will never find it all.
I'm baking muffins as I speak.
MAN: Some trees are big.
Some trees are small.
But all trees have bark.
Except for poplar, ash and maple.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (GIGGLING) (LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE) Lousy Maggie.
Thinks she's so great.
Thinks she knows Oh.
I miss them all so much.
(SOBBING) I hope this typeface catches people's eye.
It sure didn't move our old fondue set.
Why do you always take the children and not the fondue sets? Why, Santa? Why? Good news, Simpsons.
We found your daughter's belongings.
Where'd you find these? Giant tongue.
Oh! I knew it! We also discovered something very unusual at that museum.
Oh, my God! What? Well, if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum, they'll fall at the same rate.
(CHUCKLES) You think you've seen it all in this job, and then something like that comes along.
Come on.
Come on.
CLANCY: That's where we found your daughter's things.
LISA: Huh? You look around there while Eddie, Lou and I go ask a few questions.
Like how does a helicopter fly? And what causes thunder? I say it's angels bowling.
Lisa? HOMER: Lisa? MARGE: Lisa? HOMER: Lisa? BOTH: Lisa? (CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) Oh, no! The giant is waking up! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, God.
We're in a belly.
Everyone, take off your shoes.
(YELLING) How do we get out? Your baby has to press the red "evacuate" button.
Yo, Chief, we got a problem here.
I see a vase, but Eddie sees two people in profile.
Now, this may shock you, but you're both right.
MARGE: Maggie! HOMER: Come on, Maggie! Come on! BART: The red button! ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button! I know, we'll use reverse psychology.
Maggie, don't press the red button.
Damn it! (ALL SHOUTING) Marge, I've always loved you.
Bart, you were a worthy foe.
(CRYING) (PANTING) Mom! Dad! I'm so sorry I got you into this! Lisa, you're all right! Oh, good.
She's here in time to see us die.
Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift.
From now on, I'm gonna nurture and cherish Just tell her which friggin' button to push! Maggie, push the red button.
You can do it! Red! (COOS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Wooo! Now, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere.
(GRUMBLING) (GROANING) (ALL GRUNTING) Well, I think we all learned a lesson today.
Don't try to be something you're not, namely food.
Chief, now I can't see either one.
Well, we're all pretty tired.
Let's try a different one.
Which figure is bigger? The answer will knock your socks off! I'm sorry I ran off.
Being second to Maggie's not so bad.
But why didn't Maggie press the right button until I told her to? PHILIPPA: I believe I can answer that.
How'd you get in here? Your butler let us in.
Play along.
I'll explain later.
I'm afraid your daughter's no longer welcome at our school.
She's as common as an angry woman in an lbsen play.
(LAUGHS) Zing! Let's just watch the tape, monkey man.
Whenever Maggie is asked a question, she looks over at Lisa.
How many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie.
You can do it.
(TAPE REWINDING) PHILIPPA: Now, rotate and magnify.
(GASPING) I don't remember doing that! I would never cheat! Perhaps.
But subconsciously, you wanted her to succeed.
Watch.
PHILIPPA: Here, you're telling her the answer is no.
Here, the solution is a square.
Here, you're telling her the answer is California Condor.
So Maggie's not a genius? She could be at sweeping up hair.
(CHUCKLES) That's my baby, jerk! Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, "So what?" Oh! Again with the nose.
I have a chin, you know? (GRUNTS) Don't worry, sir.
The maid and I will take him out to the curb.
Come on.
Come on.
You promised me no one would get hurt! I don't care what they say, Maggie.
To me, you're brilliant.
(PLAYING SAXOPHONE) Not for babies.
HENRY: Do we really need three of these people? Too ethnic, change it.
More like "Cart-wrong.
" Worst voicing ever.
Finally, a real celebrity.
Oh, good.
More producers.
Just what they need.
Him, I like.
Yes, but what's he done lately? Very original.
Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell.
Well done.
(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore.
All useless.
The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore
The Simpsons s15e12 Episode Script
Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore
d-ohh! ( Screams ) Children, I'm sorry to say, one of your lunches exploded.
Who has the "little bunny foo foo" lunch box? Um that would be me.
( Kids laughing ) it's not my fault.
I can't afford a better lunch box 'cause I'm poor.
( Louder laughter ) shut up! My mom got too fat to work at hooters! ( Louder laughter ) they won't even let her park cars.
( Louder laughter ) please, children, don't be cruel.
Nelson might be poor, but I'm sure he has the seven dollars for today's field trip.
Um, well, actually ( tires screeching ) ( kids laughing ) someday now I know the rest of us e excited about visiting the museum of television today.
Hey, don't tell us how to feel! Bart simpson, be quiet.
Hey, that wasn't me.
That was milhouse? Milhouse? What happened to my little class coward? What do you care, mrs.
Krabappel or should I say, mrs.
Crab apple? ( Laughing ) crab apple? I never thought of that! It totally works! How could I have been so blind? Rollin', rollin', rollin' toxic barrel rollin' they're so hot and glowin' we'll die! Smithers, the board of directors is coming here today.
I don't want them to see snap, crackle and pop down there.
Sir, there's a big cardboard box out back that could keep them amused.
They could make a fort.
No, no, just give them each a nickel and send them to moe'S.
Let them while away the afternoon spilling their beer on gullets and trousers whilst drooling over french postcards.
( Shuddering ) hello, I'm isabel sanford, the beloved weezy from the jeffersons.
At this "museum," you won't see a michelangelo, but you might see michael landon and beverly d'angelo.
This blows.
Let's sneak off.
Wander away from the group? Man, you've been huffing from the bart bag.
Homer: To old man burns, who's paying us to drink because we're embarrassing! We suck! We suck.
Ohh a lot of that went in my lungs.
Attention american bar devils: It's our anniversary! Free drinks for everyone! That's great.
I'm honored to drink to apu and, uh apulina.
Ahh you know, marge and i have an anniversary coming up.
I have given manjula many gifts, including a bouquet of flowers, diamond earrings, and we're going to see paris hilton.
In paris texas.
On our way to paris, france.
What did you plan to get your wife, homer? Well these charity address labels that came in the mail.
Milhouse, why are you acting so crazy? Did your imaginary friend try to kill you again? No, walter's been cool.
( Sighing ): Bart, I've gotta say something, and it's not easy.
Well, if it's not easy, don't do it.
That's how I got where I am.
Then let's just say I don't care what people think of me anymore.
You mean up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week? What about all the times i didn't wear a tutu? Nobody ever brings those up.
Now leave me alone.
It's the paul lynde helen reddy hudson brothers easter special! With guest stars willie tyler and lester and nadia comaneci! Paul lynde: I'd like to hippity hop on your balance beam.
I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex.
Well, circle gets the square! Tv sure has come a long way, huh, milhouse? ( Laughter ) check it out-- I'm riding some guy named ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger! Door ajar.
The indignity! The agents got all my money.
( Whinnying ) I'm bored.
Let's go switch the heads on the cosby kids.
Homer ( slurring ): I don't wanna go home! I'm not done talking to me! Just get out this door, rummy, and you're the city's problem.
If you make it through the night, you're welcome back.
Ah, home, sweet home.
Now to watch some tv.
Oh, you poor soul.
You think that rat is a remote.
Huh five bucks? I don't need your sharity! ( Squeaking ) I'll dance for my money! ( Humming "hoochie-coochie" ) oh, you poor man.
You think you can dance.
I didn't say stop! ( Humming "hoochie-coochie" ) bart there's something I've gotta tell you.
I'm moving.
What? My mom got a job in capital city.
Capital city? You can't move that far.
You're my best friend.
What's your mom making? I'll match it! It's too late, bart.
My mom's already transferred her 401k.
Nooo! Luann, what are you doing? Look, kirk, I need a fresh start.
Well, couldn't you get a fresh start by remarrying your old husband? Kirk, we are going.
Fine, but you can't take milhouse.
I have visitation rights.
Yes, and you're also supposed to pay child support.
Hey, I thought you said my money was no good.
I said you're no good.
Get in the car, milhouse.
This isn't over.
I'll fight you with every lunch half-hour I get.
Ooh, speaking of which it's gonna be tough to be peppy today.
Tell me about it.
( humming ) why are your clothes so dirty? And why do you smell like liquor? Have you been clubbing? ( Gasps ) oh, homie, they're beautiful.
That chevron station has the most romantic bouquets! I feel a swoon coming on here it is! I am so wasted.
Oh, my god, oh, my god! We're having a simultaneous pass out! Well, at least they're not fighting.
And scratch show! Oh, mmm-mm.
Right this way! What's on the menu? ( Screaming ) ( screams ) ( screams louder ) ( screams very loud ) ( relieved sigh ) ( laughing heartily ) oh, bart, I'm sure it's hard to lose your best friend.
You mean milhouse? Funny little guy.
Afraid of the dark.
And the light.
Now I got new friends.
Guys who get me.
( Doorbell rings ) there's one right now.
Who is it? Is it ralph? It is not ralph.
Hi, bart! My nose makes its own bubble gum! Just get in here.
I found you, bart! Ralph, we're playing checkers.
I don't like you, boy-mommy.
Uh hmm.
Oh, loveless loners are so lucky.
There's no way I can afford to give marge a nice anniversary present.
Oh, you poor man.
You smell worse than you did last time.
Hmm! Hey, buddy, that's nice sign work.
Your penmanship is clear yet sad.
Hey, I know you.
We met in a police lineup.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, number two and number four are an item now.
You don't have to tell me.
I was number three.
Listen, you have any pointers for a newbie? Well, there are six schools of begging: Bad musician, messed-up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zealot, and crazy guy.
I think you would do well with "crazy guy.
" Coke and pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! ( Yelling incoherently ) wow.
Now, that is good crazy.
Ah! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, yes! I never thought I'd have to take a plane to see milhouse.
Well, I'm sure he'll be happy you came.
Man: Now departing, no-frills airlines flight 89.
( Passengers screaming ) woman: Milhouse! Bart's here! What up, b? Milhouse? Is that you? Yeah.
I gave my look some new flava.
Suck it in! Uh maybe later.
( Doorbell rings ) what up, m-life? Milhouse, this isn't you.
This is my only chance to be cool.
Now, please let me give you a wedgie in front of these guys.
No way! Please? I'll be gentle.
Oh, fine.
Wedgie! ( All laughing ) milhouse, you went cap city on him! Springfield baby, in a diaper, poked his eye with a windshield wiper! Springfield baby! Springfield baby! I'll always love you, bart.
Springfield baby! Springfield baby! ( Choking ) ( both laughing ) ( sniffling ) bart, honey, it's a nice day.
Why don't you play outside? Outside? That's where me and milhouse played.
You know, I think your sister could use a little help washing the car.
You'll be like an owl saying milhouse who? Milhouse who? Milhouse whooo? Hey, moldilocks, mom says I'm supposed to help you.
Fine.
You can confirm the accuracy of the hose.
( Screams ) ha-ha-ha! You wet your pants.
Shut up! It's a serious problem.
Lis, you are so dead.
( Screams ) I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family! Bart, you're in my family.
Shut up! ( Both laughing ) homie, I'd like to know what you've been doing after work.
Marge, I'm not gonna lie to you.
( Annoyed murmur ) I also found this in your drawer.
( Chuckles ) all the answers you need are in here.
Happy anniversary.
( Gasps ) Are these diamondique? nope.
Diamondelle? Nope.
Cubic diamondium? Nope.
Dioxy-ribo-diamondoid? Close, but no cigar.
Just plain diamonds.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! We finally have something to put in the wall safe.
Hostess twinkies? I heard, if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.
Kids! Go ride bikes for a while, huh? ( Slightly drunk ): Yeah, you heard our mother.
We can't jump this ditch.
Sure, we can.
But let me go first.
Everyone knows you're the future of family.
That's not true, bart.
Mom and dad value us equally, and aw, you're right.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Geronimo! ( Whimpering ) just forget everything you know about gravity.
But I know so much about it.
Just do it.
Geronimo! ( Laughing ) look.
We can go inside.
Ooh! We're like howard carter discovering the temple of tutankhamen.
Or like when I discovered the school's xerox code.
One, four, seven.
Just saying it makes my butt feel warm again.
Arrowheads! Pictographs! Bart, this is a native american burial mound.
Oh, look! He's pickin' his nose.
( Giggles ) hey, we shouldn't tell anyone we were here.
This place should be our special secret.
Okay.
Shake.
Psyche! There's spiders in your hair.
That's what you call commitment to a bit.
Mr.
Bojangles mr.
Bojangles we're all bojangles who killed bojangles? Maybe it was you! Thank you.
Thank you.
Remember, my dog up and died.
Thank you.
You got your wife the earrings, man.
Why are you still doing this? I want to get a second house.
Closer to work.
He's taking all our business! We're going to have to do something.
We never do anything, that's why we're bums.
Hey, you're a woman.
And you're a three-headed devil dog! Devil dog! Want to make out? No one wants to be alone.
Lisa: "The mound builders "worshipped turtles, as well as badgers, snakes, and other animals.
" Thank god we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter who lived ( Phone ringing ) hi, janey branford marsalis' car broke down outside your house? And he's just jamming till wynton shows up? ( Gasps ) um some other time maybe.
Today I'm just hanging out at home.
( Doorbell ringing ) hey, bart, I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun.
Want to shoot apu? Oh that does sound fun.
But not today.
I think I'm just going to hang out at home.
Lisa: Oh, my god! My brother's my best friend! Bart: Oh, my god! My sister's my best friend! Marge: Diamonds! I still can't believe he gave me diamonds! Homer: Mirror mirror on the wall: Who? You don't know him.
He lives in russia.
I can't believe they're hanging out.
Ha! Maybe she'll be a good influence on him.
Or maybe he'll corrupt her.
It won't last.
Brothers and sisters are natural enemies.
Like englishmen and scots.
Or welshmen and scots.
Or japanese and scots.
Or scots and other scots.
Damn scots! They ruined scotland! You scots sure are a contentious people.
Ye just made an enemy for life! Listen, mr.
Hobo.
You may not have laundry to wash, but I do.
Now what do you want to show me? There's your husband, A.
K.
A.
Mooch-a-lini, drooly mcgee, corporal flashback, etcetera, etcetera.
Homer! ( Shrieks ) you're panhandling! I should have known from that panhandling sign.
Plus that ticket you got for panhandling.
But marge, it was all for you.
To buy you all the nice things you deserve.
The flowers, the earrings, the bob seger boxed set, which really only needed to be one disk, but the box was nice homer, I don't need fancy things.
And even if I did, this is the wrong way to get them.
And to remind you of what you've done, I'm going to keep these earrings and wear them at social occasions.
I don't understand.
Well, then maybe you need to buy me a brooch.
Bart, I cracked the code of the pictograph.
It says there's a curse on the mound.
Of course, I don't believe in ( screams ) hi, lisa! I brought you the cap city version of monopoly.
Baltic avenue is now wayne street.
It's awesome.
Milhouse? I thought your mom took you away forever.
I got a court order bringing him back.
The judge said I was the most pathetic person he'd ever seen in court.
Pity custody-- boo-yeah! Repo man.
I'm here to take your pants.
Not in front of my son.
Please.
You're somebody's father?! Yes, okay.
Ooh, boy.
Well, I'm glad to be back.
Those cap city kids don't think I'm cool anymore.
We were having a sleepover, and a robber came and wet my bed.
Then he folded the bed back into the couch and disappeared into the night.
I knew you'd blow it.
Now let me show you that mound.
You told him our secret? Hey, he's my best friend.
Oh.
I see how it is.
Great.
Then we're all cool.
( Sniffling ) bart: Since he's been back, milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo.
It's always a party with that guy.
Well, it's nice you have your best friend back.
You should hang with us sometime, lis.
Mm-hmm.
I think I'll go to bed now.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Hoo boy, are you in trouble.
What're you talking about? When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong.
And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong.
And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.
Hey, lis, you want to play cap city monopoly? Look, just because milhouse is gone doesn't mean you have to pretend to be my friend.
Oh, come on, I'll roll the dice for you.
.
.
Three, four, five, chance.
Pick up a card.
( Mutters discontentedly ) Bart will make your bed for a week what? Really? Yep.
Pick up another one.
But it's not my turn.
I'm trying to do something nice, you dink.
Pick up a card.
"Bart will defend you when other kids call you a nerd.
" No one calls me a nerd.
Trust me, that is a valuable card.
Pick up another.
"Bart will give back the malibu stacy head you thought was lost.
" Oh, bart, that's really sweet.
Just because I have milhouse back, doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things about being a brother.
I think I'm going to use this card right now.
Aw, do I have to? -Hmm.
( Sighs ) all right.
Good for one hug This is what sitcoms call "a schmaltzy ending"-- a sentimental capper to leave the audience feeling good.
Usually followed by a little coda to cut the treacle.
Granny, I'm gonna shoot me some vietcong.
Yeah, well I ain't cookin' 'em.
( Loud laugh track ) and george jefferson, wherever you are, we love you and want you to come home.
Well, we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Smart & Smarter
The Simpsons s15e13 Episode Script
Smart & Smarter
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GIGGLING) Wait till he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat! (GIGGLING) (TOILET FLUSHING) Huh? Where's the Ee-yow? All yours, Homer.
You didn't sit on the toilet.
I didn't have to.
I'm a dude.
(GRUNTS) Butt on bowl, little man! (BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter! Ee-yow! (LAUGHING) Why you little (CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it? Ah! (WHIRRING) (GAGGING) (HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run! What's going on? Uh, I'll tell you what's going on.
I'm taking you all out for pancakes.
ALL: Yay! Yeah! BART: This place looks familiar.
It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
They just painted the tower brown.
Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.
(INDISTINCT TALKING) Hey, Apu.
What's with the line? It's application day at Miss Wickerbottom's Pre-Nursery School.
Pre-nursery school? The fast track begins at birth.
That's it! Claw and bite for position! We have only enough tuition money for two.
For the rest of you, better luck next life.
That's a lot of pressure to put on a baby.
All they should be worried about is the Raspberry Monster! (MARGE BLOWING RASPBERRIES) (MAGGIE GIGGLING) You know, Marge makes a good point.
Competitive schools aren't for every baby.
(LAUGHING) Are you saying my daughter can't cut it just because I owe you $14,000? I'll show you! Come on, Maggie.
You're getting into that school.
I will hire a collection agency.
Which one? Tri-City, Omni-Pay, lnsta-Threat? I've beaten 'em all! The pig says "oink.
" The chicken HENRY: Look, stop right there.
I could go to any Chuck E.
Cheese in America and hear what animals say.
Do you know what I say? I say, "Next.
" You're a poopie! You nurse with that mouth? And what's your name? Maggie.
I'm sorry, but why are you answering for her? Maggie doesn't talk yet.
Not a word? Oh, no, no.
She says lots of words.
Like when she wants something, she says (GRUNTING) Maggie, we're not a mime school, so we can't take a non-talker.
But here's some good news.
The Gap will always need sweater folders.
I'm sorry we wasted your time, your lordship.
(MARGE GRUMBLING) My baby has no future.
Oh, Maggie will do just fine.
She'll have plenty of money, because she'll marry a grocer Grocers don't make that much.
who steals from the till.
Would ya let me finish? Jeez! Maggie, you're as smart as any one of those kids.
Come on.
Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle? (ALL GRUNTING) I'm taking you all out for tacos! BOTH: Yay! Okay, for Malibu Stacy's beach party, we've got pita, hummus, tempeh, tofu.
What other fun foods do we need? Ice? Did you do that? (GIGGLING) Okay.
What's a good side dish? Rice.
Why not caviar? Oh, my God! You're not just smart, you're brilliant! Mom! Well, look who's back.
Pippi Non-talking.
Just because Maggie can't talk, doesn't mean she's dumb.
Einstein didn't speak till he was three.
And even then, he could only speak German.
Fine.
I'll give her an lQ test if only to extinguish all hope.
All right, my quiet American, how many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie.
You can do it.
Well, congratulations.
You're now as intelligent as a pig.
Let's see if you can move up to dolphin.
How many people in your family? (GASPS) Woo-hoo! I got that one right, too.
(LAUGHING ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Okay, last question.
Arrange these four arrows to make five arrows.
I remind you, you only have 15 Oh.
ALL: Ooh! Yeah! Philippa, I think you should come in here.
Your baby is brilliant.
Why, she could already teach at Florida State.
Oh, my God! Yay! Go, Maggie! Go, Seminoles! This better be important, Henry.
I was choking on something.
Meet Maggie Simpson, lQ 167.
One sixty-seven! That's amazing for a Christian.
But my lQ is only 159.
Maggie's more intelligent than me? That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159.
Do you see how that works? Yes, thank you.
So our kids keep getting smarter.
If we have another one, it could build a time machine, which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids! All our children are smart.
Some are just smarter than the others.
Welcome to the others.
(SCREAMS) MARGE: Maggie, look at all the stuff your new school sent over.
Look at these courses you'll be taking.
Advanced Peekaboo.
(MAGGIE GIGGLING) Got Your Nose and Other Lies.
(READING) (LAUGHING) I'm slapping this sucker right over "Support Our Troops.
" Look, Lisa.
There's something in here for you! Really? (GROANS) And Maggie gets a shirt, too.
(SCOFFS) Sweetie, you seem so blue.
Did the last of something die? No, Mom.
It's just that I used to be the smart one.
Now, I don't know who I am.
Well, I know who you are.
And here's something to help you never forget.
I already have one of those.
Well then, find a new identity.
Hmm.
Your mother's right, honey.
Katie Couric didn't just become the world's most famous dwarf.
She escaped from the circus and went for it! All right.
If I'm second-rate as the smart kid, I'll find a new raison d'etre.
That still sounds like the smart kid.
Right, right.
Time to show them the new me.
No one's happier and more well-adjusted than a stand-up comedian.
How about these entrees? Stuffed cabbage? Can you believe they found a way to make cabbage worse? (LAUGHING) All right.
So what else is going on? Let's see.
Hey, why do they call them "field trips"? We never go to a field.
Oh, untrue.
Last Thursday, we visited a battlefield.
Uh, well, I I'm bem-barrassed for you.
The following "ha-ha" is not from amusement but an expression of contempt.
Ha-ha! (GROANING) Okay, okay, don't get discouraged.
Every me they reject gets me closer to the me they'll like.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan? It's called goth, eternally clueless one.
My new name is Ravencrow Never Smiles.
Cool.
We can be goth together.
We'll go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
But first, you must apprentice by kissing the goddess lronica, uh, who lives in this rock.
Do it for an hour, hour and a half.
Yes, my mistress.
(KISSING) Who's that girl running around with you Tell me who's that girl Oh, none of these feel right.
Wait, wait.
Did I try soccer player? Tried and failed.
(GROANING) I'm a mess.
I can't believe I'm jealous of a baby.
Hey, I'm jealous of her, too.
When you're a baby, you spend all day just rolling around on the floor.
Boy, I miss that.
Ow! Fine.
Roll around on the floor, baby.
(GRUMBLING) Floor baby! Floor baby! You're making fun of him for something you made him do! Yeah? Well, you're gay.
People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality.
Um, uh (GRUNTS) Bullies rule! The school sent this dealie over for Maggie.
His name is Phonic Frog.
PHONIC FROG: Aw.
Buh.
Kkk.
Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
(LAUGHING) That's me.
Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
This is Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er's doctor.
He's too sick to work today.
(CHUCKLING) I'll be right back.
(WHINING) Fine.
I'll help you with your stupid flashcards.
(CHUCKLING) Aren't you smart? Let's try another one.
A little harder this time.
Hmm? (SNORING) (HESITANTLY) No, that's wrong.
That's right! This spells "dog.
" MARGE: Lisa! (SCREAMS) You are purposely teaching her the wrong word! Lisa, I'm surprised.
Your sister just wants to learn and be like you! Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
PHONIC FROG: I agree with your mother.
You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
(SOBBING) (MUTTERING) I used to be the smart one.
(BELL RINGING) PHONIC FROG: Where is my dinner? Maggie, you're such a quick learner.
Why don't you learn how to fly? But I love you.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) (GASPING) (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z Goodbye, Maggie.
I'm smart enough to know you're better off without me.
(SIGHING) Two cents.
I'm sure a lot of great people have started with less.
Nope.
Never under a dollar.
(SIGHS) MARGE: Lisa's gone! You have to find her! Why can't you just accept the fact that Lisa is old enough to take care of herself? Back off and let her live her life.
But she's only eight.
Oh, I thought you said 80.
Well, we'll get right on it.
Now, this may not be the best time, but I'm supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the Springfield Police Department.
"Somewhat satisfied.
" I see.
Well, maybe I'll just somewhat find your daughter, huh? Fine.
"Extremely satisfied.
" Looking good, boys.
Now, let's go get some smoothies.
Oh, I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
Red plastic sandals are not great running away shoes.
(GASPING) Air conditioning, water fountains, dioramas! And I'll never run into my family here! It's the perfect place to start a new life! (ATTENDANT MUTTERING) (GIGGLING) No food allowed.
You can't hide it in your clothes.
Would you please step out of the line, sir? Go ahead and search.
You will never find it all.
I'm baking muffins as I speak.
MAN: Some trees are big.
Some trees are small.
But all trees have bark.
Except for poplar, ash and maple.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (GIGGLING) (LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE) Lousy Maggie.
Thinks she's so great.
Thinks she knows Oh.
I miss them all so much.
(SOBBING) I hope this typeface catches people's eye.
It sure didn't move our old fondue set.
Why do you always take the children and not the fondue sets? Why, Santa? Why? Good news, Simpsons.
We found your daughter's belongings.
Where'd you find these? Giant tongue.
Oh! I knew it! We also discovered something very unusual at that museum.
Oh, my God! What? Well, if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum, they'll fall at the same rate.
(CHUCKLES) You think you've seen it all in this job, and then something like that comes along.
Come on.
Come on.
CLANCY: That's where we found your daughter's things.
LISA: Huh? You look around there while Eddie, Lou and I go ask a few questions.
Like how does a helicopter fly? And what causes thunder? I say it's angels bowling.
Lisa? HOMER: Lisa? MARGE: Lisa? HOMER: Lisa? BOTH: Lisa? (CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) Oh, no! The giant is waking up! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, God.
We're in a belly.
Everyone, take off your shoes.
(YELLING) How do we get out? Your baby has to press the red "evacuate" button.
Yo, Chief, we got a problem here.
I see a vase, but Eddie sees two people in profile.
Now, this may shock you, but you're both right.
MARGE: Maggie! HOMER: Come on, Maggie! Come on! BART: The red button! ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button! I know, we'll use reverse psychology.
Maggie, don't press the red button.
Damn it! (ALL SHOUTING) Marge, I've always loved you.
Bart, you were a worthy foe.
(CRYING) (PANTING) Mom! Dad! I'm so sorry I got you into this! Lisa, you're all right! Oh, good.
She's here in time to see us die.
Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift.
From now on, I'm gonna nurture and cherish Just tell her which friggin' button to push! Maggie, push the red button.
You can do it! Red! (COOS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Wooo! Now, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere.
(GRUMBLING) (GROANING) (ALL GRUNTING) Well, I think we all learned a lesson today.
Don't try to be something you're not, namely food.
Chief, now I can't see either one.
Well, we're all pretty tired.
Let's try a different one.
Which figure is bigger? The answer will knock your socks off! I'm sorry I ran off.
Being second to Maggie's not so bad.
But why didn't Maggie press the right button until I told her to? PHILIPPA: I believe I can answer that.
How'd you get in here? Your butler let us in.
Play along.
I'll explain later.
I'm afraid your daughter's no longer welcome at our school.
She's as common as an angry woman in an lbsen play.
(LAUGHS) Zing! Let's just watch the tape, monkey man.
Whenever Maggie is asked a question, she looks over at Lisa.
How many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie.
You can do it.
(TAPE REWINDING) PHILIPPA: Now, rotate and magnify.
(GASPING) I don't remember doing that! I would never cheat! Perhaps.
But subconsciously, you wanted her to succeed.
Watch.
PHILIPPA: Here, you're telling her the answer is no.
Here, the solution is a square.
Here, you're telling her the answer is California Condor.
So Maggie's not a genius? She could be at sweeping up hair.
(CHUCKLES) That's my baby, jerk! Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, "So what?" Oh! Again with the nose.
I have a chin, you know? (GRUNTS) Don't worry, sir.
The maid and I will take him out to the curb.
Come on.
Come on.
You promised me no one would get hurt! I don't care what they say, Maggie.
To me, you're brilliant.
(PLAYING SAXOPHONE) Not for babies.
HENRY: Do we really need three of these people? Too ethnic, change it.
More like "Cart-wrong.
" Worst voicing ever.
Finally, a real celebrity.
Oh, good.
More producers.
Just what they need.
Him, I like.
Yes, but what's he done lately? Very original.
Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell.
Well done.
(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore.
All useless.
The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
The Simpsons s15e14 Episode Script
The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be d-ohh! ( Screams ) The wild dingleberries? It's a movie version of a cartoon family you can see for free on tv.
But they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest from the hood.
I am so there! Sorry, pally, the dingleberries are sold out but, looking at yo I'm sure your kids are used to disappointment.
How 'bout diet coke: The movie? Sold out.
President air bud: Tail to the chief? Sorry.
My big fat greek salad? Not a movie.
The only movies starting now are the re-deadening and teenage sex wager.
Ooh, well, I am curious to see if those teens lose their virginity, and the wager only sweetens the deal.
Mr.
Simpson, that movie is condemned by our church's movie guide.
What would jesus view? Refresh my memory.
These dweebs are with us why? Because mr.
Flanders volunteered to take the senior citizens out for ice cream.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm oh! This ice cream's too cold! Oh, I cut myself on the cone! ( Chuckles ): Now, now, remember why we're here: To celebrate jasper's birthday.
( Wheezes ) birthday?! ( Sirens blaring ) ( gasping ) yo, yo, yo, give it up for M.
C.
Birthday! ( Rapping ): I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-dee-day! Now my good-time gang will blow you away! ( Screaming ) never leave the day room.
Never leave the day room! Never leave the day room.
Okay, kids, forget the movie.
We'll just go to the furniture store and sit down.
Uh, two for the re-deadening, please.
( Gasps ): The re-deadening? Is that any good? Good? I'm in it.
I had a small speaking role.
Yeah, I went to visit him and was banned from the set.
Mr.
Leonard, how did you get in a movie? Ha! Classic hollywood story.
The director saw my photo in a medical book.
Hey, lenny, is your film appropriate for kids? Oh, yeah, there are lots of kids in it.
They fall victim to a vicious well, b-b-but don't ruin it for me! One adult and four children for the re-deadening.
( Rosemary's baby theme plays ) ( in a british accent ): What's that, baby button-eyes? You want me to kill mummy? ( Gasps ) but mummy is ever so kind what? Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer? Then I have no choice.
( Screams ) ( screaming ) hey, I paid for this popcorn, and I'm eating it.
Mr.
Simpson, I'm scared.
( Laughs ): Relax stupid.
Everything you see is make believe, although it is based on a true story-- some of which happened in this very theater.
( Owl hooting ) ooh, ooh, here comes my part.
Baby button-eyes, what are you doing possessed at this hour? I'd better tell the governess.
( Hisses ) ( screams ) oh, god, the prophecy has been fulfilled! ( Screaming ) the buttons look like they're sewn to my eyes, but they're really held on with hot wax.
Dad, I don't like this movie.
Can we go home? Oh, honey, don't be scared.
Look, they killed the evil doll.
( Man screaming ) ( whimpering ) well, what do you know? It's unkillable.
( Cries ) honey, can daddy rest his soda on your head? Mm-hmm.
That's my girl.
You took little children to the re-deadening? Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you.
But scaring kids is good for them.
It hardens them against future terrors like roofing and driveway scams.
( Rosemary's baby theme plays ) ( chuckles ): Oh, sorry.
I forgot I bought the soundtrack album.
( Shivering ) mm, honey, I know you're scared, but there's no boogie woogies or woolly bullies out there.
Oh, your nightlight's burned out, and the only bulbs we have left are these red ones.
It was only a movie filmed in vancouver with donald sutherland as the priest who stopped believing ( thumping ) ( shrieks ) ( man, muffled ): Achem! Achem! Achem! Both of us heard mysterious noises coming from this very spot.
Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source.
( Loud screech ) ( chuckles faintly ): Must be the pipes.
What do you think, bart? I think you're on your own, toots.
( Shrieks ) okay, I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically.
( Loud crashing ) oh, god, oh, god, oh, no if I don't make it out alive, I love you, mom and dad.
Maggie, you can have my books.
And bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss.
That's right! We all know! ( Crunching ) ( screams ): Bones! Copyright pink pony productions.
Visit us on the web at lisathemovie.
Com.
( Shrieks ) ( kojak theme music plays ) homie, that kojak is sexier than cannon and barnaby jones put together.
I think he looks a little like you.
( Laughs ) who loves ya, baby? How about a little interrogation? Okay.
You have the right to remain sexy.
Anything you touch can and will be held against you in a court of sex.
If you cannot afford a sex-torney-- both: Mom, dad, there's a ghost in the house! Good.
Can you play with him for half an hour? Oh! Well, I don't see any ghost.
I did find this newsweek from 1986: "Why america loves saddam hussein.
" ( Eerie theremin music plays ) that's it.
It's one thing for a ghost but quite another for him to play my theremin.
( Music becomes louder ) ( loud tapping ) hello, simpsons! Artie ziff! None other! I've been hiding in your attic, living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters.
( Slurping ) I thought we killed him! No, we didn'T.
But I did delete him from my bulk e-mail list.
No, you didn'T.
That's right.
Twice a week, I get your e-mail of the monkey peeing in his own mouth.
Oh, yeah.
( Chuckles ) that monkey got america through some tough times.
Artie ziff! Why are you living in our attic? Let me explain.
I was an internet billionaire.
Whoop, say no more.
I would stop, but I love my voice! It was the go-go '90s.
("Mambo number 5" plays ) and I was partying with newt gingrich, janeane garofalo and scottie pippen.
Everyone loved my corporation.
And then, the bubble burst.
Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003! I had nothing.
( Tires squealing ) they even took my repo vans.
I had nowhere to go.
So I came here, because marge is the closest thing I've ever had to true love.
We had one date.
And you were not a gentleman.
Oh! Don't worry.
If you let me stay, I'll be on my best behavior.
Not even a fresh remark.
Except this one.
Wowie wow, wow, wow! Zazooga! Well, I don't know, artie.
Forgive me.
I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have.
Can I please be part of it? Just till I get back on my feet? No way! He's an annoying sneak who's out to steal my wife.
Come on, dad.
With his brains and your musky smell, I've got a full male role model.
And it would be nice to have someone here i can beat up.
Ow! No fair! I'm telling! ( Laughter ) okay, kids, you can keep him.
All: Yay! ( Sighs ) "when she pressed her lips to his forehead "and walked out with denise and gary "into the warm spring night, "she felt that nothing could kill her hope now.
Nothing.
" Oh, thanks for reading me the corrections.
It makes me feel better about my own family.
Doesn't your father ever read to you? He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real.
He's still looking for that chocolate factory.
It consumes him.
Hey, mom, can I sleep over at milhouse's? I thought you were playing catch with artie.
Yeah, but after the ice cream man cut up his credit card, he got a little depressed.
Oh, my.
Well, homer, maybe you should take him to moe'S.
Come on, little fella.
You're hangin' with me tonight.
Guys, I'd like you to meet artie ziff.
All: Hello, handsome! Hello ( quietly ): Losers.
Kent brockman: Coming up, can yodeling cure cancer? Of course not.
But first, where is artie ziff? ( Gasps ) the S.
E.
C.
Wants to know! It seems ziffcorp spent stockholders' money on everything from marble toothbrushes to solid gold underpants.
Small investors have been wiped out.
I lost all me "screw you" money.
I'm very sorry to hear that, willie.
Screw you! Authorities are currently operating under the theory that ziff is living in a cave somewhere.
( Grunts ) he's not in here, chief.
That's some good spelunking, lou.
Mighty fine spelunking.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, hmm.
Okay, read 'em and weep.
I don't know why I'm losing.
Maybe I have some kind of "tell.
" Hot mamma, I'm livin' in flush-town, population artie! I guess I'm in for 50 cents.
I fold.
Me, too.
I'm out.
I'm done.
I will see your 50 cents and raise you one dollar.
( All gasping ) whoa.
Well, I'm out of cash.
But would you accept 98% of the outstanding shares of ziffcorp stock? And the peanuts in your mouth.
Very well.
Achem! All of them.
Achem! Flush.
What have you got? Four jacks.
( Chuckles ) check it out.
I own a multinational corporation.
( Laughs ) I always knew some day I'd be a C.
O.
D.
( Glass shattering ) freeze! Securities and exchange commission! Artie ziff, you're wanted for stock manipulation and securities fraud.
It's scum like you that undermine investor confidence.
Investor confidence? Perhaps this affects me.
I own 230 million shares of ziffcorp stock.
You're the majority shareholder? I sure am, with all the inherent legal liability.
( Guns chambering rounds ) ( muttering ): Hey, what are you? You're under arrest! Wait a minute.
How can you arrest homer? This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for.
I'm talkin' malfeasance here.
All right, I admit it.
I did run ziffcorp into the ground.
And this man took me into his home when no one else would.
And now, as a result of his brilliant card-playing, he's the one you want! ( Gasps ) tape his mouth so he can't deny it! Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I joined the blue man group! I'm the fat one! homer simpson, how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust? Plead the fifth amend-what? Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what? Inseminate myself? Dudes, I think this guy's comin' on to me.
You, sir, are a moron.
A mormon?! But I'm from earth! Oh, for heaven's sakes! Your majesty, can I go home now? Your company's crimes have left a scar on this great nation, and she was so beautiful, but what man would want her now? She was hot.
Wouldn't want her.
My husband's going to jail, and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you? Anti-semitism? No.
Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself.
Marge, I think about a lot more than just moi.
( Can-can song playing ): Artie, artie-artie, artie artie-artie, artie, artie-artie-art ziff-ziff-ziff-ziff ziff-ziff-ziff.
Oh my god.
She's right.
I never want you in this house again! If he's out, can I move back in? Oh, what do you think?! And she's the nice one.
Okay, kids, this book should help you deal with your feelings.
Look, maggie, it's a pop up.
"Daddy's made a shiv.
"Can you help him ice johnny shakes, the jailhouse stoolie?" Uh oh hey, let me read it to her.
"Johnny's friends get some payback on daddy while he's sleeping.
" Daddy's on fire.
Daddy's not on fire.
Daddy's on fire-- daddy's not on fire.
Daddy's on fire daddy's not on fire! ( Whines ) okay, fine, he is.
( Squeals ) I miss you guys so much.
The smell of marge's pork chops the way you kids kiss my owies when I go boom.
( Sobbing ) this place has become like a prison to me! Hey, dad, maybe this'll cheer you up.
( Imitating homer ): Why, you little ( choking ) ( head bangs ) aw, it's no use, son.
By the time I get out of here, you'll be grown.
Turn around, turn around turn around and you're a young man and you're too big to choke.
( Sobbing ) well, well, look who showed his face.
The louse who sold out his only friend.
You've got a lot of nerve comin' here but since you did, what'll it be? First one's on the house.
Is this dump open? We were jogging and ran out of cigarettes.
Pardon me for intruding, but I believe teenage girls shouldn't smoke.
( Laughing ) ( coughing ) are you still living with marge? No.
She kicked me out for sending her husband to prison.
You put homer in jail? Oh the hair is standing up on the back of my knees.
Keep your odor eaters on, selma.
I've seen you get hurt too many times.
I'm not going to let him into my heart or my bedroom.
Just ten minutes on the beanbag.
Come on, short round, we're going back to my temple of doom.
Be gentle! Uh, you know they say that the love of a good woman can save any man.
Except you, freak.
Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am.
In my nightmares! I'm going to stop now.
( Artie moaning ) selma: What the hell are you doing? I can't get my socks off.
Aw, leave 'em on.
I like a man with a little mystery.
I'm done.
My kind of man.
( Gasps ) wonderful, glorious, magnificent.
And you were pretty good, too.
( Chuckling ) oh selma, you've made a new man of me.
Thanks to your angry love, I can no longer sit by selfishly while another suffers for my book-cooking.
What are you going to do? First, I'm going to read the paper, have a little nosh, and then I'm going to rinse out a few things, and then, finally, I will get an innocent man out of jail! Well, he can't break my heart, 'cause he kind of makes me sick.
This could work.
Artie ziff shocked investigators today by turning over a second set of books detailing his own financial culpability and exonerating stumbling, bumbling boob homer simpson.
Simpson's grateful family had this to say I'm so happy to be getting my husband back.
And I'm happy to listen to fm 95.
3, home of boomer and the diz! Bart! Chill out, mom.
They gave me this hat.
Sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned, simpson.
Can I apply my time toward a future crime? You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch.
( Grunts ): No one ever chooses the car.
Oh, dad! I missed you so much.
Oh, my god! Maggie, you're talking! Homer, I believe that's lisa.
Oh, bart, what a man you've become.
Artie, thank you for doing the right thing eventually.
All I needed was the love of a good woman, and since you're not interested, uh I'm not! Merely checking, because I'm into that.
I'll visit you in two weeks.
( Artie moaning ) I have to admit I'll miss having him around.
( Laughs ): I don't think we've seen the last of artie ziff.
Yo, hobbit, I'm, like, your roommate.
Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you.
Squirt, squirt, squirt.
Your lungs will thank me.
Kids, you'd better take your last look at uncle artie.
Oh, look, there's a whole bunch of you.
Squirt, squirt, squirt.
That's it, circle around me.
Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt.
Oh, I'm going to need more water.
Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
Wgbh.
Org
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Co-Dependent's Day
The Simpsons s15e15 Episode Script
Co-Dependent's Day
The Simpsons S15E15 Official captions captured by With the ATI TV Wonder pro TV Magazine program Oh god, I love to smoke.
we're live at the opening of the latest chapter of the epic space saga, cosmic wars! And the nerds have emerged from their basements, wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.
Simpsons, your lack of costumes ill-befits line positions two, three and four.
Where's your costume? Your ignorance is amusing, and sad.
I am dressed in the actual clothing worn by cosmic wars creator randall curtis.
I bought them at auction, then added pregnancy panels to fit my unique body type.
One ticket for the space show.
I want to see if any of them aliens match up to the one I got in my root cellar.
One ticket for cosmic wars.
Uh, sir, this is the line for the momentum of things, starring ellen burstyn and jim broadbent.
Aw, man! I waited three weeks at the wrong ticket window! Man, even i think movie popcorn has gotten too big.
Ow! Get your own, mooch! ( Whooping and cheering ) yes! Finally! ( Dramatic fanfare playing ) amendments?! Regulatory agencies?! What the fark-bot? Don't worry, they're just getting the plot out of the way so it won't slow down the ( imitates laser fire ) ( imitates light saber ) ( imitates wookie moaning ) before the galactic senate votes, we shall call roll.
Star system abbotan? Here! Star system acroilius? ( Alien answering in alien language ) star system trebulon prime? Whoa, mama! Finally, some action! ( Whirring ) mr.
Chairman, I propose a procedural amendment to space bill number 371.
You'll wait your turn! Very well.
Trebulon minor? Oh, I'm so bored! Maybe I'll clean out my wallet.
Hey, my car insurance expired.
Quite a while ago.
( Laughing ) son, if you don't dig more coal, they'll put you on the dynamite gang.
No dy-mite! ( Sobbing ) I didn't realize british coal miners had it so bad.
There's blood on your hands, mrs.
Thatcher! ( Loud snoring ) jim-jam, what happened to the wheel covers on my landing gear? Me-sa sell them to buy me-sa some space spliff.
That character is just a tired stereotype.
Yes, and it's-a makin' a-me so mad, I'm-a gonna throw the meatballs at-a screen.
But first I gotta pose for a pizza box.
The decision is final.
Tabled, this motion is.
Or is it? That sucked! I can't believe the "gathering shadow" was senate redistricting! Worst cosmic wars ever.
I will only see it three more times.
Today.
Homer: That's it.
>From now on, I'm not looking forward to anything.
Oh, my god! Tomorrow, there's a two-for-one sale on piano benches! I can't wait! Ooh, ooh, ooh! I feel so ripped off by that crappy movie, I'm gonna chip a big hole in the floor.
( Grunting ) kids, why don't you write a complaint letter? That's how I got the channel six weather girl to start wearing a bra.
That was you!? Mm-hmm.
A letter, huh? Okay lis, get this down: Dear randall curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt.
I am fine.
Sincerely I'll write the letter.
Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather! Lisa: "Dear cosmic wars fan, "I'm glad you loved my film.
"Here's a photo of your favorite new character, jim-jam bonks.
May the power be on your side, randall curtis"?! He ignored our criticisms! We're going to have to track randall curtis down and make him listen to us.
And I know just where to find him: "742 evergreen terrace.
" Dad, that's our address.
( Whimpering ): He's in the house? No, he lives at the "cosmic wars ranch" in northern california.
Both: Can we go? Can we go? Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Well, northern california is wine country.
We could take a tour.
And it's a perfect time.
I just got fired again.
Enjoy your tour, and take it easy on mr.
Curtis.
Your father and i will be across the street at the lush valley winery.
Marge, are you sure we should go drinking together? I mean, who am I gonna complain about while I'm drinking? We should do more together.
You're my best friend, homie.
Well, yeah, legally.
But if we're really best friends, how come we never play hoops? The doctor said if you tried running again, your ankles would shatter.
Mmm all right.
We'll go on the winery tour.
But you have to catch me first! ( Bone cracks ) oh! Oh, my ankle snapped! This is the creature works-- where, if you dream it, we can make it.
Unless it has too many fingers, which are tough.
Man: Where's the aliens? Who knows what fantastic creature these two men are creating? It's a hip-hop loaf of garlic bread for an olive garden commercial.
Yo, yo, yo! Entrees start at $6.
95.
Offer not good on sunday, fool.
C'mon, bart, here's our chance.
But the bread's still dancing! Man: The mediterranean climate is reproduced by cool pacific winds, mixed with exhaust fumes from the highway.
Ah, summer in tuscany.
( Smacks lips ) mmm, it goes great with the jolly rancher I'm sucking on! Pleasant aroma, rich full body, well-aged and the wine's not bad either.
( Both guffawing ) oh, stop ieinfeld.
( Guffawing ) we always get the hicks on saturdays.
Lord kraylac, if you want to take that deduction, you'll have to bring your receipts.
( Dramatically ): Then bring them I shall.
This is awesome.
Hey, what are you doing here? We come from the real world.
And we're here to tell you that your movies have lost their way.
No, they haven't! My characters are getting better all the time, now that we've perfected digital eyelash rendering.
Better technology doesn't mean better storytelling.
Well, now i know you're crazy.
Wait, before you have us killed, hear us out.
I will wait ten of your earth seconds.
Your early movies are timeless classics.
Please, mr.
Curtis, go back to what made your first films so great.
You know what? You're right.
I'm going back to my roots: Plots and characters lifted from westerns and samurai films.
To the video store! Kids, please accept these boxes of jim-jam cereal.
It's just alpha-bits with extra j'S.
( Door opens ) hyah! Well, we've learned if you don't like something, just go to the office and complain.
What's our next stop? "Fox broadcasting, building 203.
" I drank this much! ( Bottles rattling ) mom's not gonna like this.
Don't tell mama what mama don't like.
Come here, you big lug! ( Giddy laughter ) wow mom and dad sure are having fun.
Hey, as long as they're not hurting anybody.
Uh-oh.
Whoa! Aah! Please stop! Aah! I'll give you money! Aah! Okay, I'm going to tell! Ow! Aah! Homie, to store the extra wine we bought, I made a little wine cellar.
Ooh, can I have my special cup? Well, I've been using it for laundry soap, but, okay.
Homie, you are so cute.
( Giggling ) oh, honey, I love to hear you laugh.
( Imitating marge's giggle ) I don't talk like that.
( Imitating marge ): Yes, you do.
Well, you talk like ( imitating homer ): Oh, marge, sorry I set the bed on fire.
D-ohh! ( Both laughing ) hey, you do a great me, marge.
You got to show the guys at moe'S.
Moe's tavern? That's your fun place, like me and the lamp store.
Come on, we'll have a blast.
Kids, while we're out, the tv's in charge.
Go to bed when it says.
Two glasses of wine, moe.
Wine? Geez.
No one ever orders that.
Umm all I got is this old stuff here.
"Chateau latour-- Oh, I should just throw this out.
No, it'll have to do.
That'll be four bucks.
Now, in a step I perhaps should have taken initially, let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collector's guide here.
Oh, what have I done? Let me dry my tears with this lost shakespeare play.
( Sobbing ) come here you little did you guys get home at 2:00 last night? Yep.
Your mother and i have become a legendary party couple.
Like scott and zelda munster.
The best part is, I don't have to ask your father where he was all night, because I was there.
Why are your keys in my scrambled eggs? And why is krusty on the couch? This'll cover what I did to the fireplace.
( Groans ) we're all alone, no chaperone can't get our number the world's in slumber let's misbehave ( groaning ): Oh, my head.
( Chirping ) oh! ( Loud ticking ) ( groans ) ( loud dripping ) ( loud scraping ) ( louder scraping ) ( thunderous rustling ) ( loud footsteps ) ( hinge squeaking loudly ) do you have to make such an unholy racket? Sorry, marge-- I got to break in my ski boots some time.
Maybe we should put this booze cruise in dry dock for a while.
No problem.
We can still have fun without you drinking.
Okay and maybe you could cut back, too.
You got it.
And when I feel weak, I will draw strength from the bible.
Uh-oh.
Here comes the gospel according to puke.
I hope I can still have fun while everyone else is drinking.
Don't worry, honey.
I don't even know if they serve alcohol at this thing.
( Polka music playing ) duffmensch orders you to party! This reich will last a thousand beers.
Oh, ja! I do this, and I'm jewish.
( Chanting ): Eins, zwei, drei, beer! Ah, the germans.
You just can't stay mad at 'em.
Well, I don't want to be a "gloom-hilda.
" I guess one beer won't hurt.
Isn't that a little big? You can just nurse it.
( Chanting ): Nurse it! Nurse it! Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great.
Yes, and you've said that several times now.
Why do people worry about stuff? It's all going to work out.
All good points.
Sleep tight, my drunken angel.
( Snoring ) ( horn honks ) I'm in no condition to drive.
Wait-- I shouldn't listen to myself.
I'm drunk.
( Engine starts ) ( tires squeal ) okay, okay.
Remember the rules for drinking and driving.
Drive slow but not too slow.
Drink some cola to keep yourself alert.
What the? Nice work, cruise control.
Are we home yet? ( Siren wailing ) in a minute, honey.
Oh, my god! If I get one more D.
U.
I.
, They'll take away my license.
And what will I leave when I rent erblades? ( Muttering fearfully ) ( sniffing ) oh, boy, I smell beer.
Devil's mouthwash.
You weren't calling it that at the christmas party.
Okay, I'm going to need you to let that go, chief.
Oh, my god! This D.
U.
I.
Is a she-U.
I.
! Oh, no ( hiccups ) I'm going to be incarcer.
.
incarcer incarer I'm going to jail.
( Wood snapping ) what was that? Maybe someone else is here.
And maybe he'll step forward and admit to being the real culprit.
( Homer makes bird noises ) bawk ooh-ooh.
Oh, this is a new low for me.
( Continues bird noises ) I paid your bail, honey.
You're free to go.
I can't believe I drove drunk.
But you do believe it, right? I don't know what to believe anymore.
That's my girl! Just take me home.
Moe: Where's your wife tonight, homer? She's not coming anymore.
What? It's 'cause of her I put in a bidet.
Well, it's actually just a stepladder by the water fountain.
Listen, moe, I did something really terrible to someone I love.
Hey, look, I've been in the bartender business for a long time, all right? I've heard it all.
Well, what I did was oh! What are you? You're like a monster! That's, like, the worst thing I've ever heard anybody do to anybody.
You should be drinking watered-down beer in a chipped glass on a stool with a nail sticking up out of it.
You know what? ( Sobbing ) can I have some peanuts? Yeah, all right.
But I get to poke you with a stick.
( Both grunting ) hey, did you see the game last night? The blood of christ.
Hey, save some for the rest of us, alky! Don't bogart our lord! I'm not a drunk! Now, marge, we do not judge here.
Today's service is concluded.
Suggest you all get on the road before marge.
Marge, when i finally decided to stop drinking, there was a place that really helped me out.
Maybe they can help you.
This is a pamphlet for chimney sweeping.
Is it, marge? Is it? Oh, it is.
Here you go.
This place is great.
It cured me five times! My drinking problem is out of control.
At oktoberfest, all I could think about was beer! I couldn't even celebrate the harvest.
Homer: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic! You can't put me on hold! I'll put you on hold! I am a lineman for the county your call is important to us.
Please continue to hold.
And I drive the main road there are eight calls ahead of you.
And the wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li- li--li-li-li-line! Dad, I still have a couple of questions about this.
Mom never drives drunk, and the crash was in your car.
Also, the driver's seat was adjusted for your stomach lisa, lisa, your suspicions are important to me and will be answered in the order received.
Macarthur park is melting in the dark all that sweet green icing rolling down someone left my cake out in the li-li-li-li-li-li- li-li-li li li ( yelps ) ( door slams ) you know how some people are chocoholics? Well, I'm an alcoholic.
( All gasp ) look, I'm not sure this place is working.
The drinkers are smoking, the smokers are drinking, and the gamblers are having sex with everyg that moves.
Hey, baby, you want to play caribbean stud? I'll show you what I'm holding.
Get away from me! Your loss, stupid lady.
Flanders, can you watch my kids while I'm at the rehab clinic? Oh, thank god.
You're finally fighting your demons.
My demons and i are closer than ever.
Next year we're gonna visit every major league baseball park.
I'm just going in to bust marge out.
Well, that's good too, I guess.
Feed my pets and tape my shows! I'm here to deliver a package to marge simpson.
Where's the package? Damn it! Homer? Marge! I have an awful confession to make.
You didn't crash that car.
It was me.
I put you behind the wheel and I'm so, so, so sorry.
You let me believe that I'd done such a terrible thing? Marge, I did it out of love.
Love of not being arrested.
But I realize now that nothing is more important than you.
I can't believe you did that to me! That woman means the world to me.
Would it be all right if I read from my bible? Of course.
( Liquid gurgling ) ( gulping ) no wonder they call it "the good book.
" I am so cheesed off! I need a drink! Then you should thank god you're in a rehab center.
'Cause we're packin'! Arr, a couple of these and your first mate turns into reese witherspoon.
Pour me another.
Just take the whole leg.
What's with all those rappin' grannies in the movies? If I ever start rappin', just shoot me in the head.
How you doin', big blue? Well, I feel a buzz, but I don't feel happier.
It's not like when I was drinking with homer.
Maybe it wasn't the alcohol you liked.
Hey, you're right! What I enjoyed was spending time with my husband.
You're hooked on love, marge.
I know that feelin'.
Nine months later, seymour plopped outta me.
I woulda kept walking, but there were cops everywhere.
Well, I love my husband and I'm glad I do.
My name is marge S.
And I'm a homer-holic! You're drinkin' homer-hol? I'll take a swig.
I'm afraid what I like can't be swallowed, sniffed or smoked.
Hmm.
Then you better inject it between my toes, 'cause my mom checks my arms! Thanks for everything, kyle.
Yes, I really don't think you two should leave.
He's a chronic alcoholic and you're in complete denial.
Aw, shut up, captain bringdown! Homie, I want you to promise me you'll cut down on the drinking.
Okay, marge.
For you I'll give up rum-based cocktails.
Except mojitos and rum and coke.
Well, that's no promise at all! It's important for me to see you take at least one step.
Then maybe we can have some memories together that aren't just a nauseous blur.
All right.
For you, I will give up all clear liquors.
Really? Even zima? Hey, I only drink that when I'm already drunk.
You really mean it? Hey, anything's possible with a little help from my bible.
Oh, no! It's a real one! No! Why, god, why? Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Wandering Juvie
The Simpsons s15e16 Episode Script
Wandering Juvie
The SimpsonsS15E16 " The Wandering Juvie " d-ohh! ( Screams ) Official captions captured by With the ATI TV Wonder pro TV Magazine program captioning sponsored by fox broadcasting company and twentieth century fox ( Grumbling ) ( cackling laughter) where are your clothes for the gentleman who's big and fat? The basement, sir.
( Whoops ) homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've got to tie those shoes.
Homer! ( Yells ) ( groans ) so many shoppers.
( Grunts ) damn this-- oh!-- Resilient economy! Oh! ( Fabric tearing ) ( groans ) this is our "li'l hooker" line.
All the girls your age are wearing it-- except the freakishly unpopular.
But I'm eight years old! So is your look.
Are you aware that you've exposed your skin to a whole host of airborne de-beautifiers? No.
This dermal magnifier will show the extent of the damage.
( Loud clicking ) ( loud gasp ) ( growling ) ( yells ): He's eating my beauty! Mm-hmm.
Skin mites love the taste of beauty.
Try this rejuvenating lotion.
It contains over Whoa! ( Weak growling ) I hope he didn't have children.
Do they have children? Millions of them.
( Groans ) ( homer humming a tune ) sir, other customers need to use that dressing room.
Dressing room? Uh-oh.
Edna, we don't need wedding china.
The dishes mother won on let's make a deal are holding up nicely.
Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us.
And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water, and two-sided sponges? Hm! Silent anger: The cornerstone of a successful marriage.
Cool.
Guns.
Die, happy couples.
( Imitating automatic gunfire ) that's not a toy, son.
It's a bar code reader.
It registers wedding gifts.
Bull-honky! No, not bull-honky.
A couple uses the gun to select gifts they want ( beeps ) for their wedding.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my shasta.
Hmm.
Name of groom.
Bart simpson.
Name of bride.
Lotta cooties.
( Sinister chuckling ) ( beeping ) it's a nice day for a white wedding ( beeps ) it's a nice day to start again ( beeping ) ( sinister chuckling ) a fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah! Yeah.
I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents.
And what I don't use, I'm gonna return for store credit! Both ( chanting ): Store credit! Store credit! Store credit! ( Sighs ): Another employee family wedding.
What's the traditional peasant gift in these parts, a milking cow? Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry.
See if lenny wants to go in on a spoon.
Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
I am your niece, uncle joe.
Good lord, I'm an abomination! ( Sinister chuckling ) this prank is my sergeant pepper'S.
I see neither blushing bride, nor ardent swain.
There is no wedding here! ( Crowd murmuring ) oh, my god, we're sealed in! Hey, nobody breathe my air! Get your own! ( Loud breathing ) why, you selfish little maggot! I'll suck your lungs dry! ( Gasping ): Knock it off! ( Groaning and gasping ) ( others inhaling loudly ) ( loud breathing, gasping ) ( exhausted groan ) ( bodies falling ) yes! So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest.
Come on, chief, it was just a prank.
Would some flatware make things right? Um, what does it say on my badge? "Cash bribes only.
" Let's go.
Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering.
Just look at this file.
That doesn't look so big.
These are directions to the facility where bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers.
Six feet by eight? Six by 14.
( All gasp ) bart simpson, I hereby sentence you to six months at the springfield juvenile correctional facility.
Juvie?! Please, judge, you can'T.
I-I'll do anything.
I'll squeal on my dad-- he's been up to bad things.
Crap you never even thought of! We've already got an informer working deep cover on your dad.
One he'll never suspect.
Is it lenny? Damn it! I mean uh, no.
Now, take that kid away.
No! You're not going to take my baby to jail! ( Grunting) all right, boys, she's not letting go.
Make the switch.
( Humming tunelessly ) ( crying ) your eyes need diapers.
"Your eyes need di" that's good, ralphie.
One slingshot one pack of cards, baseball one doodle, "fartzilla" one harmonica.
Perfect mood-setter for the end of your freedom.
( Plays mournful refrain ) lessons by mail, worthwhile.
( Crying ) my baby boy is in jail.
I'm the worst mom in the world.
It's not all your fault.
All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing.
So in a way, I, too, am a victim of you.
You're a great mom.
You were always there for bart with love and support.
His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement.
Oh, I get it.
Blame the strangler.
( Scoffs ) ( scoffs ) ( scoffs ) woman: Just because you've done time at juvie doesn't mean the world has given up on you.
See for yourself the exciting careers that wait for you upon your release.
( Groaning ) these are all fast food jobs.
Ex-cons are a godsend to employers like me.
If you ask for a raise, I just call your parole officer and back in the can you go! ( Laughing ) they fight, and fight ( cheering ) ah, cartoons.
America's only native art form.
I don't count jazz, 'cause it sucks.
Freedom! Bloodshed! I declare an end to the spectacular 3-d blood and gore.
( Cheering ) they cut all the good parts.
I've lost everything I loved.
Okay, if I use my head, I can keep out of trouble.
Better stay out of the sandbox, I could be buried alive.
Maybe the slide ( grunting ) don't forget to buy your photos.
I'll just hang out next to girls' juvie.
Hello, ladies.
( Grunting ) I'm gina.
You touch my fence again and your puberty's going to be very boring.
( Tearing ) ( grunting ) ( laughing ) ( sobbing ): God, I hate this place.
It's nothing like the brochure.
It's horrible in here.
The boys beat me up, the girls beat me up.
Now sweetie, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you.
They're not true friends.
Time's up! My poor boy is miserable in here.
There has to be something I can do to help him.
Ah, interesting.
Marge, what does that sign say? So, why do you want to be a guard here? I believe that children are the future, unless we stop them now.
Welcome aboard.
This end's for beating, this end's for holding.
Uh-huh.
When does training start? It just finished.
Hey, catch! ( Laughing ) that's my doll! ( Grunts ) keep away! Keep away! Homer: Put that sissy down! If you're going to pick on someone, why don't you pick on someone much bigger than you with a gun? Dad? That's right.
I got a job here so I can watch over you like a mother hen.
His dad's a screw? I sure am.
Here you go, son.
I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge.
Neh! Not so tough now, huh? Homer: Yeah ( whistle blows ) well, that's the end of my shift.
See you monday.
Oh, wait, monday's martin luther king day.
Oh, I'll see you when I see you.
( Kisses ) love you.
( Nervously chuckles ) uh, this lollipop's really for everybody.
Warden: Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center.
So, juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide.
Who conducted this study? The institute of "shut your fat face"! Now pair up! He's mine.
Him? Why? I like them small and bug-eyed.
( Locks clicking ) you two will dance, and you'll like it.
Then you'll have punch and you'll drink it.
Then your eyes will meet, and it will be awkward.
So help me god.
Okay, here's my rules.
Hands at 10:00 and 2:00, no eye contact, and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.
Don't worry, you won'T.
( Grunting ) we're getting out of here.
( Grunts ) whoa! They're escaping! Seal the perimeter! I'm on it.
Can't you go any faster? Well, I can close it faster, or I can close it right.
Can't you do both? Talk to the union.
( Sirens blaring ) I'm getting out in two weeks.
Why would I want to break out with you? ( Kisses ) well, you do look pretty in the moonlight.
( Grunting ) hey, guards! Help! Help! ( Muffled talking ) guess where the next one's going.
( Muffled ): Up my butt? Why did you kiss me? Are you looking to do the bartman? Hey, I'm only sticking with you till I get these chains off.
And if we get caught, I'm telling them this was your idea.
Yeah? Why would they believe you? Because I can do this.
( Crying ) that mean boy he dragged me out of the dance.
I didn't want to go, but he was too strong.
But you got 20 pounds on me.
And then he said I was fat.
( Sobs ) oh, I am screwed.
You bet you are.
Now as long as we're together, I expect you to be a man.
But I have to wizzle.
Fine.
I miss prison.
Brockman: I am not chipping in on a birthday cake for that jackass arnie pye.
Let him eat this is kent brockman, live at springfield juvenile hall, the scene of a daring escape by inmates bart simpson and gina vendetti.
( Gasping ) to understand the mindset of the escapees, we've brought in an expert, former under-aged offender snake.
If they're smart, kent, they'll stay off the main roads.
It's all here in my book-- "ten habits of highly successful criminals.
" All right, I plugged your book.
Now put down the gun.
Tell them I'll be on conan thursday, with heather locklear and third-eye blind.
Why would bart escape if he's going to be released in two weeks? You just don't understand boys.
He's stupid.
But he won't know where to go or what to eat.
Relax, what's the worst that could happen? You shall marry my daughter, moonhilda.
I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain.
No son of mine will be marched down the aisle at the barrel of a ray gun! Let's go! ( Door slams ) bart: So why'd they send you to juvie? Shoplift a scrunchie? Get bent.
I pushed snow white over the parapet at disneyland.
Oh, man.
Did she live? Yeah, but it's not a good life.
Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me.
I think girls are icky-pants.
Took a lot of courage to say that.
Courage I'm going to pinch out of you.
( Grunting and laughing ) wiggum: Say, cletus, have you seen a couple of kids go by? I don't have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer but I whittles what I sees.
Is this them? It sure is.
We're on the right track.
Uh, hey, what are you making now? Uh, sometimes I whittles the future.
Hmm.
Bart: Great.
I can get these handcuffs off before I get a full-blown case of the cooties.
Bart, I can't believe you don't know this, but there's no such thing as cooties, cootie shots, cootie force-fields, or cootie insurance.
But state farm took my money.
When we split up, where are you going to go? Don't worry, my family'll hide me till the heat's off.
Wow, your parents are cool.
Oh, man, there's a line.
You ke your ink hole shut about this.
Both: We're free! We're free! Bart, I'm going to miss you so much.
( Kisses ) hey, the next time my mom asks me to help around the house, I could come live with your family.
( Grunting ) don't get fresh with me, jerk.
Take it from a blacksmith-- that girl's trouble.
Oh, that girl's nuts.
First she likes me then she hates me.
I've already forgotten how ugly she is.
I'd better eyeball that ape one more time.
( Gasps ) what's up? Don't you want to get back to that awesome family of yours? What are you crying about? How cool they are? ( Sobbing ) oh, I know you're sad now, but surely your incredible family will cheer you up.
Wait do you even have a family? No, I don't! They're imaginary, like your brain! Hey, I understand.
You don't understand anything! ( Grunting ) you're such a psycho! Mama's boy! ( Grunting ) future skank! Family guy! Wiggum: Well, well, well.
If it isn't punch n' juvie.
Plant the evidence on them, boys.
Uh, chief, we don't have to.
These ones are actually guilty.
Super.
Makes our job that much easier.
( Kisses ) oh, bart, my troubled little lamb.
You'll be in jail for so long.
But I'll keep your room just the way it was-- a pigsty.
Son, I want you to know, no matter what anyone says, there's no shame in being caught alive.
Take a good, long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes, 'cause when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever.
He will have a great bod, though.
And a couple of those teardrop tattoos.
Those are cool.
There's something I have to tell you guys.
Look, my fly is down 'cause it's broken, okay? No, it's something else.
Bart, she took all the responsibility for the escape.
You're free to go.
But the kid's still got time on his sentence, chief.
Look, if you all want to squeeze into the back seat, fine.
With my box kite.
Oh, forget it.
Welcome back, gina.
I got a few new cell mates for you.
That's cool.
I wouldn't feel right going to the bathroom with no one watching.
( Gasps ) I thought you might want to have a nice family dinner.
We're having make- your-own-taco night.
Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of christmas.
And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool.
Who is this nerd? Taco, please.
Well, my shift's over.
I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment.
Make a tuna sandwich, turn on will and grace and cry myself to sleep.
Mm would you like to join us? Didn't you hear me? I've got an evening planned.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  My Big Fat Geek Wedding
The Simpsons s15e17 Episode Script
My Big Fat Geek Wedding
( Recipes to think about in bed ) Homer what are you doing? I'm going to sleep on the couch.
she sure loves that couch.
It's the world series of kickball bart simpson on the mound.
The catcher gives him the signal .
.
And here's the pitch! oh, my god! I've shredded a child! Again! ( Screaming ) venezuela, here I come! And while the school's only ball is being repaired the following alternative sports will be offered: Dodge-rock, volley-brick and base-game.
I want to play dodge-rock! You're out.
Finally, on a personal note, mrs.
Krabappel and i are to be joined in holy wedlock this saturday.
We'll be honeymooning at lake shelbyville lodge, cabin 32, room three.
And we do not wish to be disturbed.
Way to go, mrs.
K! You finally hooked the skinfish.
It looks good but I'm not going to celebrate till he's gaffed, gutted and hanging in my trophy room.
Ha! We have the same dream, ma'am.
My bonnie lies over the ocean my bonnie lies over the sea ( chuckles ) all right, we got sex with an alligator, screaming orgasms and virgin screaming orgasms.
Ooh, sexy drinks, adult board games I'm glad I sent the kids to grampa's to protect their innocent minds.
.
.
And here's some more germans we killed.
That flame-thrower really toasted their waffles.
( Disgusted groans ) grampa, how do you sleep at night? They drug us.
It'S another pair of edible panties! ( Girlish hoots ) now, that's sexual.
( Glass squeaking ) ( slurping ) homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked.
Would you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home? Come on, it's your last night of freedom.
You got to have some fun.
O are all of you people? We're your buddies.
Now, come on, homer's kids' principal, have a beer.
I can't-- I might be called upon to give directions later.
Skinner! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug! ( Gulping ) ( drunkenly ): There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time.
Am I a good principal? You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
( Cheering ) delivering these ice-cold lady duffs has made me hot.
Really hot.
( "Duffman theme" playing ) come on, duffman.
( Hooting ) Ah, ooh, ah! Oh, yeah! ( Doorbell ringing ) sorry to bother you, but we got an anonymous tip about loud music and a strip-da-didilly-dipper.
Oh, look, girls, a policeman is here.
Well, we've been awfully naughty.
You'd better lay down the law.
( Dance music playing ) ( hollering ) hey, ladies, ladies, I-I really am a cop.
Whoa.
Is that a five? Well, this uniform is a little snug.
Oh, yeah, ha-ha, whoo! Uh, eddie, lou, how about a little backup here? Hmm, hmm, like what you see, ladies? All right.
Hmm, hmm.
Wiggum: Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Uh, can we, uh can we I think I-I threw my back out.
( Gulping ) ( slurping ) you know, I wish I had an exciting life, like that class picture photographer.
Oh! How many women has he had in that van? Two that I know of.
Let's kick this up a notch and get you some wiggle in your lap.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Absolutely no friction dancing.
Oh, come on, you killjoy! Wussy.
Grinch.
Hey, take it easy on skinner.
He's just down 'cause after tomorrow, everything he does is wrong.
Oh, marriage is gonna be great.
Now you'll have someone who'll rub your back without being asked.
Aah, not this again.
Yes, this again.
You know, homer, edna was bugging me and bugging me to set a date, and I picked one that seemed far away, and it zoomed up like a june bug flying at my windshield.
What are you trying to tell me, skinner? ( Gulping ) ah homer lenny my man I could never lie to you guys.
I'M I'm starting to get cold feet.
Please don't tell anyone.
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
Marge, guess what? Skinner wants to bail on his wedding.
Homer, you're still talking to me.
Oh, man, it's just awkward.
I'm out of here.
( Gulping ) ( groans ) principal skinner is having second thoughts? Poor edna.
Yeah, marge, it looks like you got the last perfect man.
Oh, by the way, can i borrow your car tomorrow? Mine's acting up.
( Marge gasps ) ( annoyed murmur ) every day you find a new way to aggravate me.
Hey, you're the one always bugging me to screw up our marriage.
Spice up! Spice up! Whatever.
The important thing is to get skinner to that altar, because once a union has been sanctified by god, it takes at least six months to tear it apart.
Right, naked duffman? Hmm? Oh, uh oh, yeah! ( Playing "pachelbel's canon" ) I think skinner might make a run for it.
He's eyeing the exits and doing calf stretches.
Don't worry, I've got a man on the perimeter.
Cowabunga one to fat load.
This is fat load.
I'd like to request a new code name.
Denied.
Okay, fat load here.
Here comes the bride.
Repeat.
Here comes the bride.
Mrs.
K.
, You look awesome.
Thank you, otto.
That cloud looks awesome.
That rock looks awesome.
My hands look awesome.
( Playing "the wedding march" ) hey, champ.
Ready to take the plunge? You know I'm not.
We had a long discussion about that where I clearly indicated the coldness of my feet.
Happy 50th anniversary, seymour.
I was thinking it might be time to combine our cd collections.
I don't know, edna.
I'm not quite ready to take that plunge.
Seymour! My larval sac fell in the toilet.
Go fish it out.
Quick, edna.
I'll use your purse as a scoop.
Well, this is it, edna.
As I once said at the battle of khe sanh, "I surrender.
" We are gathered together today to join seymour and edna in holy matrimony.
Does anyone present know any reason why these two should not be wed? I do.
( All gasp ) no, you say that part later.
I'm sorry, seymour.
I can't marry someone who doesn't want to be with me.
( Cries ) ( crying ) we got a runner.
Snipers, take your shot.
I can't do it.
That dress is a vera wang.
Edna! Mm ( sniffing ) is this corn oil? Canola.
He drove her to it you know.
She was only doing it for the appliances.
He's a she.
She's a he.
They're both, both.
( Clears throat ) well, I'm afraid edna has gone from tardy to absent.
( Nervous chuckling ) so let's move onto the reception and forget this awkwardness with some delicious shrimp mocktail.
Principal skinner, I feel so bad for you.
Well, in retrospect, I could've been a little more "into" the whole thing.
Just the two of us building castles ( sighs ): "Just the two of us.
" I spent $15 on those dance lessons, might as well use them.
Forward, side, together.
Back, side, together.
this is so sad.
Yeah, he's crazy all right.
All right, students, what is the center of the circulatory system? It's the heart.
The heart? You mean like principal skinner's, which you broke? What do you care? You hate principal skinner.
Eh, bro's before ho'S.
Nelson, I'll see you after class.
I'll be there.
Will you? ( Bell rings ) mom, what are you doing here? Did our house burn down? Oh, that'd be cool.
No, I'm here to have a little girl-talk with mrs.
Krabappel.
So how are you holding up? Actually, I feel fine.
Why should I settle for someone who's not passionate about me? Oh, passion's for teens and immigrants.
I'm just glad to have someone to look at when I wake up in the morning.
Really? Well unkink the hose.
Hmm sure there are downsides.
But a relationship can't be all hand-holding and restaurant desserts.
Why not? If I can't have romance and excitement, then what's the point of being married? Well, it'S in my case hmm oh, god, I've lost the love of my life.
Bart's right, I am a wiener.
( Sobbing ) geez, homer, this guy is bringing the whole bar down.
I finally got barney back on the sauce.
If he doesn't have fun, he could easily slip right back into sobriety.
Don't worry.
If I feel the urge to sober up, I'll just talk to my sponsor.
Drink or I'll die.
Wait a minute.
I thought you didn't want to get married.
That was before I missed her smell, her warmth, her beautiful, beautiful penmanship.
Don't worry, principal skinner.
Seymour.
Really? Boy, it sucks to be you.
Anyhoo, if there's one thing I know, it's how to win back a furious woman.
We'll go to her house, and I'll whisper to you exactly what to say.
Really? You'll be my cyrano? Hey, if we get your girlfriend back I won't have to.
Okay, just repeat after me.
"Edna, I made a huge mistake and I want you back.
" Edna, I made a huge mistake and I want you back.
How's that, homer? Mm-hmm.
Oh, god, it's seymour.
What do I say? You just say it's too late.
I'm free and loving it, principal skinner.
( Whispering ): Hey, tell her every second without you is like a million kicks in the crotch.
Oh, that's so lovely.
"But it's too late to win us back with sweet talk.
" What the? Marge? Are you helping her? I won't let edna throw her life away for some passionless marriage where two people lie in bed together with no contact, whittling away the batteries until they die.
Which are you saying is dead? Our marriage or our batteries? Let's just say in an emergency, I wouldn't count on either one.
Homer, marge, if I could just speak to edna for a moment.
Shut up.
I didn't tell you to say that.
Just why am I taking your advice? Because I'm successfully married.
There's no ring on that finger.
Uh-oh.
Oh, why did I take it off? Oh, right.
To see if I could skip it across lake michigan.
I'm here to return the gift you brought to our wedding.
Ah, yes.
An incredible hulk melon baller.
( Growls ) ( growling ) ( growls ) well, I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy it.
I think you did the right thing.
You didn't want your life to turn out like this.
( Chuckling ) oh, you're cute.
Is there a mrs.
Comic book guy? Well, I was married once in an online fantasy game.
We were thinking of having children, but that would have severely drained my power crystals.
( Chuckling ) stop it, you big kidder.
( Forced laughter ) yes, "kidder.
" Would you like to get some coffee? And a family bucket of chicken.
We've made it to my car and you haven't left.
A new record.
Oh, I love your black tinted windows.
Actually, they're trash bags.
Now, could you give me a pushing start? string quartet, are you tuned up? As tuned as we're going to get in this humidity.
And the castrati? The what now? And a one and a two and A ( to the tune of "a-wimoweh" ) oh, edna k, oh, edna k, oh, edna k, oh, edna k oh, edna k, oh, edna k ms.
Krabappel, a sad principal is desperate and needy if you come home, I won't die alone and that's what I'd prefer uh-plee-ee-ee-eease settle for seymour so plee-ee-ee-eease come back to the dork well, well, if it isn't the square in our love triangle.
What are you doing in edna's place? Where is she? My beloved is napping blissfully in the many folds of my spider-man t-shirt.
As for myself, I am popping kettle corn.
This can't be happening! Oh, but it can.
I adore edna.
She is near-mint and comes from a very limited edition-- females who will talk to me.
Give her back to skinner.
A fat, bald guy like you you could have anyone.
Forget you.
Edna and I are in love.
We're doing everything together.
Breakfast, bath, and then the bi-monthly science fiction convention.
Join me.
The bi-mon sci-fi con?! You've heard of it? Is it romantic? Hey, women have put out just to get out of there.
( Growls ) edna's with comic book guy? Oh, god, she's on the rebound.
And you meet the worst guys on the rebound.
It's how jackie got her "O.
" Okay, we'll go to the convention, sell my lois lane comics, buy some jimmy olsens, and stop edna from making a terrible mistake.
I wish you'd devote this much time and attention to our relationship.
Don't worry, marge.
We'll get something to eat.
( Groans ) Warning, you could be photographed and used in ads looking like that I don't see skinner anywhere.
He's probably in costume-- he could be any of these people.
They're all too old to be dressed up like super-people.
Homer, let's just hurry up and go home so I can yell at you.
Oh, my goodness, it's matt groening! ( Laughs ) wow, the creator of futurama! Mr.
Groening, will you autograph my bender doll? Sure.
I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere: On the street, in a store or on my private property, but why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard.
They say it's good luck.
Look-- there they are! They're going into multi-purpose room B.
That room has a dry erase board.
They could be doing anything in there.
Anything.
Edna, the klingons have a romantic saying: ( Speaks klingon click-clack-style ) all: Aw roughly translated, it means "I would kill the children of a thousand planets just to see you smile.
" Aw that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard, which is kind of sad if you think about it.
( Joints creaking ) edna, I want you to marry me-- right here and now.
If you marry me, we will honeymoon in nebulon five, also known as san diego.
Skinner: No! Hands off my fiancee, wide ride! Why are you dressed like catwoman? You oh, they told me it was catman! Now prepare for some roughhousing.
Oh! Oh! ( Joints creaking ) ( grunting ) d-ohh! ( All gasp ) Should we aid our brother in his blood feud ? No.
My mom worked really hard on this costume.
stop it! Stop it, both of you! Seymour, it's too late for you to win me back.
This man worships me.
He actually wants to be my husband.
The female has made her decision.
Prepare the feast of goldfish crackers.
I'm not marrying you either.
There are a million valid reasons, but which one did you pick? We've had a great time together, but we're too different.
I don't understand.
It's like I'm dc comics, and you're marvel.
I understand completely.
I don't think I want to be tied down to anybody.
Take me to some real men.
Okay, you can watch my dad and my brothers beat me up.
Come back home with mama, son.
I'll make you some hot cocoa, while you sit in your shame closet and think about what you did.
Well, at least I went down like a man.
You look like a malaysian transsexual.
Good for you, mrs.
K.
Yeah! You don't need a husband to be happy.
Okay, marge, I hear you.
Now that krabappel's made her decision, it's time to whitewash over our problems.
I'm afraid, this time, a coat of whitewash won't cover it.
( Gasps ) our marriage is just an illusion.
He doesn't care how I feel at all.
He doesn't know how to love.
Marge, the greatest day of my life was the day you and I became one.
Would you marry me again? Oh, it's very sweet, but I don't need A where's that coming from? A band in a closet.
Every girl's dream.
And now, padre, if you would do the honors.
( Harsh klingon noises ) marge: I do.
Marge, you just agreed to raise the kids klingon! Marge: D-ohh! Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
Wgbh.
Org
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Catch 'Em If You Can
The Simpsons s15e18 Episode Script
Catch 'Em If You Can
welcome to lecture number eight on the water balloon.
Yesterday I asked everyone to think of other liquids you could fill a balloon with.
Water? thank you, Nelson.
Anyone else? Hot sauce? Kearney, that could blind someone.
You get an "A.
" now, for a practical demonstration.
First, we load the ordnance then select the target.
Not otto-- he'd drive us off a cliff.
Off a cliff? That would solve everything! why can't you be friends, like me and mr.
Finger! You've betrayed me for the last time.
horseplay on a school bus? Has the world gone mad? Your stop! shame on you two creeps! It's your fault, for giving birth to my archenemy! At least i was planned.
stop it! No one was planned! Now, we have to pack for great-uncle tyrone's birthday tomorrow.
In dayton! Dayton, ohio! It's got wright-patterson air force base and a zipper museum! They have a zipper from every james bond! Why are we even going? Last year, uncle tyrone was bitter and depressed.
Why won't I die? We're staying at the dayton arms hotel.
It got three diamonds from five diamond magazine! Please don't make us go.
If you make me get on that plane, I'll give myself diarrhea! I know how! Okay, don't go.
Just stay here and rot with grampa.
I'm only rotting on the right side.
I'll right-side you! All right, kids, you don't have to go.
But I insist we do something tonight as a family.
We'll play board games, put photos in an album, measure how much you've grown what is your deal, anyway? Well, I-I let's just rent a movie.
That's the stuff! brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby! I'm sorry, sir.
The computer says the movie chocolate star wars doesn't exist.
I say you don't exist! No, I'm right here, under "staff.
" What I want is a really good "weeper.
" What about "Love Story"? It's about a harvard chick that puts out for a guy and then croaks.
And it saved paramount studios for Charlie Bluhdorn.
A chick flick?! Oh, say it ain't so, ho! Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain "payoffs.
Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate? Exactly.
Where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be? The sweet love story that is older than the sea the simple something that dum-deedle-dum-dee-dee now let's push play.
What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died? I say bury her, before she starts to smell.
The man asked a question.
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
No, it doesn't! This movie is drivel! She's wooden and unpleasant, and no matter what he does, he's still ryan o'neal.
Opinion noted.
Now, if you don't mind, your father and i are trying to lose ourselves in this romantic fantasy.
Yeah, we're tryin' to create a mood here, so shut the hell up! homie, if i died, would you be sad? Well, I wouldn't be happy.
Love means never having to say bart, stop fooling with the remote! Lisa made me! With a witch's spell! It's called wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a hollywood fad! That's kabala, jerk! stupid kids ruin everything.
So, you're notin the mood anymore, are you? You know I'm usually good for a triple-x throwdown, but between those kids and going to uncle tyrone's, we can't be alone.
We're alone now.
You're never alone in this crapshack! Why, you little! what kind of an airline routes all their flightsthrough Nome, Alaska? It's their hub.
Homie, look at them! honeymooners-- no kids, no worries.
Here's your future! not me, I do crunches.
Remember our honeymoon? oh, I've gotta get back to work.
Hold that thought.
Attention miami passengers, suntan airlines is now boarding rows "piÃ±a colada" through "daiquiri.
" you know, if we were younger and crazier, we'd trade in these tickets and run off to miami! - Marge, let's do it.
- What about uncle tyrone? We got one weekend to ourselves, and we gotta spend it watching some old geezer's odometer turn over? As the bible says: "Screw that!" We don't have boarding passes, but we need to get on that plane for reasons that are utterly insane.
Go ahead, what do I care? I'm getting laid off tomorrow.
we're ditching our kids and taking a second honeymoon! and we're blowing off uncle tyrone's birthday! you guys are such party animals, we're gonna skip the safety check and just take off! I'm afraid we've overbooked this flight so much for getting my groove back.
So we're upgrading you to first class.
There's a first class? Sir, what would you like for dinner? A steak, or two steaks? - Can I have both? - Of course.
This is so luxurious.
I feel like I'mprincess grace and princess di smashed together.
And look at me, I'm reading the economist.
Did you know indonesia is at a crossroads? - No! - It is! I guess you could call him the little tortoise that couldn't.
See our web site for the recipe.
This just in-- a monster tornado is tearing through dayton, ohio.
that's where mom and dad are! Looks like the twister is headed right for the dayton arms hotel.
they might not be dead.
They could be in the basement.
Oh I'm an orphan.
I'm a legal guardian.
how can I be a parent? I break my teeth on ribbon candy.
quiet, grampa.
- Hello mom? - Hi, sweetie.
We're just calling to check in.
Where are you? Are you okay? Right here in Dayton.
at the Dayton arms hotel? It's really boring.
You kids would have hated it.
so, how's the weather in dayton? Oh, you know, typical boring dayton weather.
hey, do I hear a back rub? No, no, that's the noise the phone makes when you've been on too long.
Bye now.
Love you.
Something's fishy.
They're not in dayton, they're somewhere fun.
We're not enough fun for them? Well, I know how to find out where they are.
Swelldorado hotel miami beach, "sun and water without your son and daughter.
" How may I direct your call? I can't go to miami.
I'm expecting calls from telemarketers! You'll love it.
It's full of sexy old widows who don't want to die alone.
All right, ladies, get ready to settle.
Boy, it's great being here without those children of yours.
Yeah, I've never sat by a pool this long without having to apologize to someone.
And tonight, we'll finally, and romantically, hump.
Here's to life without children.
Well, we can't wait to have kids.
"can't wait.
" no, seriously, with the new breast pumps and diaper genies and corporate flex-time, child-rearing ought to be a snap.
you keep thinking that.
We're here! And it's a good thing, too.
The car's been driving funny since orlando.
Everything happens to eemore.
Let's go find mom and dad! First let's slap on some band-aids, so they feel really bad for ditching us.
Time to find a woman who needs some tlc-- a tired liver-spotted coot.
check out the well-aged beef.
No scar.
He must be on his first heart.
I wouldn't kick him out of bed for dying.
hey, handsome, pull up a donut and sit down.
Hey, ladies! I used to be in movies.
you know those feet sticking out from under the house in the wizard of oz? You're looking at them.
come on, everybody, have some sexual congress not the kind of congress that contained paul tsongas the kids tracked us down.
Our romantic holiday just became a stinkin' family vacation.
Marge, I won't let that happen.
We have to grab this chance for romance now, or we'll never be alone.
Not till lisa's in college and we've lost contact with bart.
You're right, but where do we go? I've got a card that can take us anywhere in the world.
Step on it! Those horn-dogs-- they ditched us again.
You know what this means? We have a free hotel room in miami for two days? No, we're going to follow them across this great land, making sure they don't have one moment of fun.
And I have a card that can take us anywhere they go.
I'm sorry.
We're not supposed to give out passengers' itineraries.
I understand.
Hey, what's that crazy girl doing? I'm going into the gold medallion club, with silver-level membership.
the hell you are! so, mom and dad are going to atlantic city but their luggage isn'T.
and homer's getting the low-fat meal.
You're more boring than my husband, and he's dead.
Well, I bet I smell better.
At the moment, it's about even.
I can't wait till we bury the last of you hepburn types.
Really! perhaps I can help.
I have a penthouse from which you can see all the way to epcot.
If you take a woman there, she will be yours.
Hot ziggety! Indeed.
I am raoul.
While we walk, may I place my hand on your shoulder as a sign of friendship? Why not? homie, people in the other elevators can see us.
Like people in new jersey have never seen a fat man making out.
It's on the freakin' state flag.
Oh, my god, homie look! that boy failed show and tell, but he's on our ass like sherlock holmes.
Hey, how you doing? I'm fighting a white rhino today at the tropicana.
Shows at 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, Check it out.
Come on.
Hey, kids, I'm tying balloons on the boardwalk at 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, Check it out, come on, don't be ridiculous.
occupied! Okay, raoul, let's go meet some senoritas! Grampa, I must confess.
I am not as interested in women as my open shirt might suggest.
To be frank, they disgust me.
Yes.
Now, let us enjoy one of your rambling, disjointed yet somehow erotic tales.
Are you going to go lavender on me? We shall see, eh? But I promise you I will treasure every word that drops from your beautiful lips.
Really? You're sweet.
Proceed.
For many years, I was a tater farmer, but the shameful truth is, the taters farmed me.
Your neck skin dances when you speak.
At last, we're alone.
homie, the waiter's still here.
Oh, right.
Thank you, sir.
and now, my darling, it's finally time for romance.
But before the intercourse, the dinner course.
- Busted! You guys lied to us! You probably do this all the time.
This whole family is built on a tissue of lies and romance! Yeah, it's a tissue, covered in blood and boogers! Would you two just shut up! Sure, we lied.
We lied so we could spend a single night as a married couple without worrying about you kids.
Those days are over.
Give it up.
you win, kids.
Just sleep here tonight and we'll all go back to springfield tomorrow.
Great! What do you want to play? How about "the floor is made of lava?" all I wanted was a second honeymoon, and now the floor is made of lava.
Lise, you awake? Yeah, I can't sleep.
Maybe we should give mom and dad a break.
You know, go spend the day in an amusement park so we're out of their hair.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, you are pretty annoying.
I guess the hunt was more fun than the catch.
Hey, I just zinged you.
I know.
My new thing is to ignore you.
When you grow up, I'll be outside.
I'm grown up! I'm grown up! I knew if we got up early enough, we could sneak away from bart and lisa.
Kids don't beat me, I beat kids.
And nobody does it better.
you monsters! You followed us! No, you don't understand.
We came here to give you some privacy and we understand perfectly well! Let me finish my sentence.
- Never! This way! Quick, we can hide in here! I don't know.
Homie, why don't we just go home, wait till the kids fall asleep, and have sex in the car? Because I was saving that for my birthday.
Now, come on.
This must be what it's like to be in space.
You've been to space! And yet, I've never been to me.
That sliding should stop soon.
This rolling is just temporary.
Ah, that's better.
So why do they call this place niagara falls, anyway? back off, canadians.
We got them.
You back off, hosers.
They're in canadian waters, eh! Beat it, you puck-slapping maple-suckers! Take a hike, you shatner-stealing mexico-touchers! Oh, marge, I guess we'll just have to make love in heaven.
I bet it always works up there.
Shut up and kiss me, you doomed hunk.
Ahoy, moon bounce! Is anyone alive? More alive than any of you squares! You're on my hair! That's better.
Well, it looks like everything worked out just fine for everybody.
Hey, my credit card bill seems a little chunky this month.
Let's see what's going on vis-Ã -vis the visa.
This Sous-titres et synchronisation Lord Damon Transcript
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Simple Simpson
The Simpsons s15e19 Episode Script
Simple Simpson
Welcome back to promiscuous idiots island.
On FOX, the home of promiscuous idiots.
Last week, on P.
I.
I.
, Our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation; and he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character or ethnicity.
Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret.
Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island.
Well, I'm afraid we misled you.
Get ready, skanks.
Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island at all.
It's a peninsula.
This was supposed to be about trust! I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat cause you can walk! What did those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated.
Quiet, the commercial's on! If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing tv.
Do you love that sooo-weet smell of farmer Billy's bacon? Do I ever! Would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife? Would I! Well, if you open up one of these here packages and find a golden ticket, you git a tour of farmer Billy's bacon factory! You'll see the hoof grinder! The marrow sluice! And of course, the five-story pig shredder, blessed by three popes.
If you like bacon, you're gonna love it.
And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with you.
I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour! The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made! Okay, farmer Billy's slow-killed bacon, farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, farmer Billy's travel bacon Mr.
Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns.
Nope.
Just lookin' for that golden ticket.
Nope.
Nothing.
Nope.
Nada.
The golden ticket! At long last.
Please, Mr.
Simpson, please.
I fear your smooches are premature.
This is, in fact, a silver ticket.
This silver ticket entitles you to judge the pig competition at the Springfield county fair.
" Hmm.
Judge a pig competition? But I'm no super-genius.
Or are I? These giant vegetables are amazing.
How about a bite of the world's biggest brussels sprout? This song is about a country I love.
You may have heard of it.
It's called America.
Hey, I know that country! I could please Ms.
Barbara Streisand by spittin' on the flag or stranglin' a bald eagle on the cover of some mag but I love this country to me she has no sins if you don't buy my record then Al-Qaeda wins! USA! USA! Of all the days for you to get a zit.
Hmm.
Comely.
Succulent.
Ha! Clearly had a snout job.
Ugh! Too '80s.
Let's see how your sister's doing in the place-setting competition.
Place-setting? How is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me? Check it out.
Dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad and finally, the breakaway wine bottle did not arrive.
My theme is "if music be the food of love.
" The setting features tuning forks, champagne flutes and of course, chopsticks.
And for dessert, Ella Fitz Jell-O.
Lordy, girl, your entry stinks like the south end of a north-bound mule! What's wrong with it? Your place-setting thinks it's better than it is, like a yard dog that sneaks into the house! Did I do anything right? Well, you did put it on a table.
Looky here, it wobbles! Wobble, wobble, wobble! This table's about as solid as your underlying concept.
No one does that to my daughter! One more felony assault, Simpson, and you're goin' down.
Ha.
I didn't know I could fit in a bubble.
I must be losin' weight.
But I gotta do something! I'll need a disguise.
There, there, little darlin'.
Dry those tears with this! Hold it right there! You've hurt your last feeling! We all know pi-r-squared.
But today, pie are justice.
And I welcome it.
Thank you mysterious stranger.
Where did he go? Where were you, Homie? You missed all the excitement.
Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again? Oh, I have a funny feeling we will.
Wherever people are mistreated, the pie man will strike! What you doing, sweetie? I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero, the pie man.
Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that.
That's really sweet, honey.
Let's turn that frown upside down.
Oh, dad, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
What's wrong, son? Comic book guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged.
But I didn't even touch them! "Richie Rich incorporates in Delaware," "easy to believe tales," "Supergirl vs.
The glass ceiling," the green listener"? He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid.
Somebody ought to take him down a peg.
Or, should I say, down a pie.
No, I think the expression is "peg.
" Maybe you're right, Lisa.
Maybe you're pie.
Pie-be you're pie.
This magazine you sold me isn't "fantastic four.
" It's "fantastic floor"! My family can't put in floors we rent! Sorry, no refunds.
Oh, brother.
Why do we get all the weirdos here at the comic book store? Comic book guy.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime.
How could this be any more humiliating? Hello, I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.
Oh, you've finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit-chat! Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you: There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.
There's a note.
"Evildoers beware signed Simple Simon your friendly neighbohood Pie Man" Finally, a superhero that kids can love.
What about fistface? Fistface? Who's fistface? Why won't you tell me who fistface is? I demand you reveal the identity of fistface! It's you! You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that he's very good-looking.
Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot.
Ooh, I bet he's Ned Flanders.
Flanders!? He's not man enough to trim my crust.
I mean pie man's crust.
I'm not pie man.
Pie-- popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now sword of righteousness.
A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts.
This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years.
In an attempt to curb copycat pieings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange.
The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad.
Oh, those poor innocent pies.
Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know? I'm going to go turn the siren on; that always cheers me up.
That's good footage.
Where will the pie man strike next? Perhaps at the Springfield children's hospital, which is tossing out all its sick youngsters to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic.
Who will treat my whooping cough? Search me.
Come back when you want a giant rack.
Okay, Lou, the minute pie man shows up, we spring our trap.
What do you got against this pie guy anyway? He's giving jerks their comeuppance.
Yeah, but he's skipping the hardest part of being a cop: - Bike safety lectures.
- Oh, come on, chief.
No.
No one ever wants to hear about the importance of pants clips, do they? Yeah, but That's why pie man is going down.
Thanks to this clinic, we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally.
Not so fast, old-time liberal.
Get him! Pie man, no! It's a trap! No trap can hold Homer Simpson! Uh, but I'm not Homer Simpson.
I'm the pie man.
Homer Simpson away.
I mean, the pie man.
Shoot to kill.
Oh, damn it! Oh, way to go, Lou you hit him.
What, you sound like you're surprised.
I'm trying to give you positive reinforcement, jerk.
That's positive, calling me a jerk? You are a jerk.
I'm not being trampled.
What gives? Uh, listen I'm married.
I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.
That was so exciting, yet familiar.
Like coke with lemon.
Let's see cartilage, cartilage, muscle, nerve! Artery bullet! Dad? Pie man is not your father, little girl.
I murdered your father.
Dad, please.
It's obvious you're pie man.
We've been getting his mail for weeks.
We shall continue this conversation in the pie cave.
Watch it, one more step.
Welcome to my secret lair.
Dad, this is the basement.
Here's the iced tea I left down here this afternoon.
So it would seem.
Anyhoo, I'll bet this is all a pretty big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson You're not mild-mannered.
You're often liquored-up and rude.
Honorable men can differ.
Now what brings you down here? I want you to stop this, dad, before you get killed.
All right, I'll stop.
But what'll I do with these pies? Well, I know one thing you could do I was in so deep, I forgot pies were food.
Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid.
- I'm docking you a day's pay.
- What? I'll show him.
No, I shouldn'tOr should I? I'll keep my promise, honey.
No looking at pictures of loved ones.
Lousy Burns"bald-headed" No angry grumbling under your breath.
Eat faster, faster.
Swallow on your own time.
Won't someone help us? Who will stand up for Carl and Lenny? Hey, Homer, throw me at Mr.
Burns! No, throw me! I'm old and stale I might just kill him.
Don't do it, Homer.
You made a promise to Lisa.
Since when do I listen to cakes? Tell you what, Homer you make one last hit, then you're out of the business forever.
Lisa would understand.
You're all so wise.
I wish I could eat each and every one of you.
Aw, we wish you could eat us, too.
Attention: While you've been showering here, I sold all your clothes.
Again? I've run out of pie-related puns.
He won't escape, sir.
Behold, Smithers, your so-called messiah.
Sir, I never To the employee prison! Now, let's see what we have here Simpsons! You'll rue the day you took that pie tin, poked holes for eyes, and attached a rubber band around the back! It's not a rubber band; it's a scrunchie! Silence! Or I'll chop you into suet for my murderous gerbils and hamsters.
Wait, I have a better idea.
You'll work for me now.
I already work for you.
In addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant, you will also serve as my personal hit man.
Do I get two paychecks? Here is your first assignment.
To prove your loyalty.
But I promised my daughter Do as I say, or I'll tell the police.
You'll do so much community service.
No, not community service! I can't stand helping others! I just can't! Now open the folder.
It contains your next victim.
No, not him! Anyone but him! I've had my problems with him, everyone has, but like every monster, he just wants to be loved.
Come on! It's cobblering time! I can't sleep.
I keep thinking about the pie man.
Oh, me, too! What if he started pieing good people? Not because he wanted to, but because he was being blackmailed by his boss? Homie, are you the pie man? No, I'm not, and here's a picture that proves it.
See? Well, whoever he is, the pie man would never cave in to blackmail.
Now, on a different subject, kiss me hard.
- You know, I'm not pie man.
- I don't care.
Girl scout cookies! Oh, come on! She's a little girl.
Grow a spine on your own time, blimpo.
Just one second, sweetheart.
Now pie that brownie, fruitcake! Sorry.
Sir, my baby wants to play patty-cake, now.
Your assignment.
The Dalai Lama?! That's right.
All his talk of peace and love is really honking off my red chinese masters.
Now, Smithers, walk me around the park until I fall asleep.
I'm feeling fussy.
As Springfield's youngest buddhist, I am deeply honored to introduce the Dalai Lama.
Oh, I can't do this in front of Lisa.
Why does she have to believe in things? You have no choice.
Pie him, or I'll reveal your secret to the world! And now, please welcome the Elvis of enlightenment, the lean, serene, chanting machine, the Dalai Lama! Greetings, fellow travelers on the path to enlightenment.
Please forgive me, talking llama.
No, pie man! Don't do it! C'mon, pie man, hit him! That's the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing! No.
I won't.
There's only one way I can escape from this nightmare.
Homer Simpson? It was him all along.
Homer Simpson is the pie man? Impossible! He's never thrown away a pastry in his life.
His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae! Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass! No offense, Homer.
Ya dumbass.
I'm telling you, I'm the pie man! No you're not.
The pie man could fly.
And spit acid! And animals did his bidding! Well, that closes the book on pie man.
- Wait a minute.
- What? If it wasn't Simpson, who was it? It's gonna be you, if you don't shut up! Dad, I think you created a hero that even you couldn't live up to.
Let's go home, honey.
On to my next engagement: Buffalo, New York! I know one person who believes you were the pie man, Homie.
Me.
I've known it all along.
Was it the kiss? No, it was clearly you in that suit.
You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start.
So, pie man Why don't you show me your superpowers? Pie man? Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there! For i am the pie man! And wherever pie man is, the cupcake kid will not be far behind.
While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Simple Simpson
The Simpsons s15e19 Episode Script
Simple Simpson
Welcome back to promiscuous idiots island.
On FOX, the home of promiscuous idiots.
Last week, on P.
I.
I.
, Our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation; and he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character or ethnicity.
Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret.
Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island.
Well, I'm afraid we misled you.
Get ready, skanks.
Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island at all.
It's a peninsula.
This was supposed to be about trust! I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat cause you can walk! What did those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated.
Quiet, the commercial's on! If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing tv.
Do you love that sooo-weet smell of farmer Billy's bacon? Do I ever! Would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife? Would I! Well, if you open up one of these here packages and find a golden ticket, you git a tour of farmer Billy's bacon factory! You'll see the hoof grinder! The marrow sluice! And of course, the five-story pig shredder, blessed by three popes.
If you like bacon, you're gonna love it.
And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with you.
I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour! The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made! Okay, farmer Billy's slow-killed bacon, farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, farmer Billy's travel bacon Mr.
Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns.
Nope.
Just lookin' for that golden ticket.
Nope.
Nothing.
Nope.
Nada.
The golden ticket! At long last.
Please, Mr.
Simpson, please.
I fear your smooches are premature.
This is, in fact, a silver ticket.
This silver ticket entitles you to judge the pig competition at the Springfield county fair.
" Hmm.
Judge a pig competition? But I'm no super-genius.
Or are I? These giant vegetables are amazing.
How about a bite of the world's biggest brussels sprout? This song is about a country I love.
You may have heard of it.
It's called America.
Hey, I know that country! I could please Ms.
Barbara Streisand by spittin' on the flag or stranglin' a bald eagle on the cover of some mag but I love this country to me she has no sins if you don't buy my record then Al-Qaeda wins! USA! USA! Of all the days for you to get a zit.
Hmm.
Comely.
Succulent.
Ha! Clearly had a snout job.
Ugh! Too '80s.
Let's see how your sister's doing in the place-setting competition.
Place-setting? How is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me? Check it out.
Dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad and finally, the breakaway wine bottle did not arrive.
My theme is "if music be the food of love.
" The setting features tuning forks, champagne flutes and of course, chopsticks.
And for dessert, Ella Fitz Jell-O.
Lordy, girl, your entry stinks like the south end of a north-bound mule! What's wrong with it? Your place-setting thinks it's better than it is, like a yard dog that sneaks into the house! Did I do anything right? Well, you did put it on a table.
Looky here, it wobbles! Wobble, wobble, wobble! This table's about as solid as your underlying concept.
No one does that to my daughter! One more felony assault, Simpson, and you're goin' down.
Ha.
I didn't know I could fit in a bubble.
I must be losin' weight.
But I gotta do something! I'll need a disguise.
There, there, little darlin'.
Dry those tears with this! Hold it right there! You've hurt your last feeling! We all know pi-r-squared.
But today, pie are justice.
And I welcome it.
Thank you mysterious stranger.
Where did he go? Where were you, Homie? You missed all the excitement.
Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again? Oh, I have a funny feeling we will.
Wherever people are mistreated, the pie man will strike! What you doing, sweetie? I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero, the pie man.
Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that.
That's really sweet, honey.
Let's turn that frown upside down.
Oh, dad, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
What's wrong, son? Comic book guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged.
But I didn't even touch them! "Richie Rich incorporates in Delaware," "easy to believe tales," "Supergirl vs.
The glass ceiling," the green listener"? He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid.
Somebody ought to take him down a peg.
Or, should I say, down a pie.
No, I think the expression is "peg.
" Maybe you're right, Lisa.
Maybe you're pie.
Pie-be you're pie.
This magazine you sold me isn't "fantastic four.
" It's "fantastic floor"! My family can't put in floors we rent! Sorry, no refunds.
Oh, brother.
Why do we get all the weirdos here at the comic book store? Comic book guy.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime.
How could this be any more humiliating? Hello, I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.
Oh, you've finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit-chat! Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you: There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.
There's a note.
"Evildoers beware signed Simple Simon your friendly neighbohood Pie Man" Finally, a superhero that kids can love.
What about fistface? Fistface? Who's fistface? Why won't you tell me who fistface is? I demand you reveal the identity of fistface! It's you! You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that he's very good-looking.
Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot.
Ooh, I bet he's Ned Flanders.
Flanders!? He's not man enough to trim my crust.
I mean pie man's crust.
I'm not pie man.
Pie-- popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now sword of righteousness.
A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts.
This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years.
In an attempt to curb copycat pieings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange.
The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad.
Oh, those poor innocent pies.
Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know? I'm going to go turn the siren on; that always cheers me up.
That's good footage.
Where will the pie man strike next? Perhaps at the Springfield children's hospital, which is tossing out all its sick youngsters to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic.
Who will treat my whooping cough? Search me.
Come back when you want a giant rack.
Okay, Lou, the minute pie man shows up, we spring our trap.
What do you got against this pie guy anyway? He's giving jerks their comeuppance.
Yeah, but he's skipping the hardest part of being a cop: - Bike safety lectures.
- Oh, come on, chief.
No.
No one ever wants to hear about the importance of pants clips, do they? Yeah, but That's why pie man is going down.
Thanks to this clinic, we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally.
Not so fast, old-time liberal.
Get him! Pie man, no! It's a trap! No trap can hold Homer Simpson! Uh, but I'm not Homer Simpson.
I'm the pie man.
Homer Simpson away.
I mean, the pie man.
Shoot to kill.
Oh, damn it! Oh, way to go, Lou you hit him.
What, you sound like you're surprised.
I'm trying to give you positive reinforcement, jerk.
That's positive, calling me a jerk? You are a jerk.
I'm not being trampled.
What gives? Uh, listen I'm married.
I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.
That was so exciting, yet familiar.
Like coke with lemon.
Let's see cartilage, cartilage, muscle, nerve! Artery bullet! Dad? Pie man is not your father, little girl.
I murdered your father.
Dad, please.
It's obvious you're pie man.
We've been getting his mail for weeks.
We shall continue this conversation in the pie cave.
Watch it, one more step.
Welcome to my secret lair.
Dad, this is the basement.
Here's the iced tea I left down here this afternoon.
So it would seem.
Anyhoo, I'll bet this is all a pretty big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson You're not mild-mannered.
You're often liquored-up and rude.
Honorable men can differ.
Now what brings you down here? I want you to stop this, dad, before you get killed.
All right, I'll stop.
But what'll I do with these pies? Well, I know one thing you could do I was in so deep, I forgot pies were food.
Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid.
- I'm docking you a day's pay.
- What? I'll show him.
No, I shouldn'tOr should I? I'll keep my promise, honey.
No looking at pictures of loved ones.
Lousy Burns"bald-headed" No angry grumbling under your breath.
Eat faster, faster.
Swallow on your own time.
Won't someone help us? Who will stand up for Carl and Lenny? Hey, Homer, throw me at Mr.
Burns! No, throw me! I'm old and stale I might just kill him.
Don't do it, Homer.
You made a promise to Lisa.
Since when do I listen to cakes? Tell you what, Homer you make one last hit, then you're out of the business forever.
Lisa would understand.
You're all so wise.
I wish I could eat each and every one of you.
Aw, we wish you could eat us, too.
Attention: While you've been showering here, I sold all your clothes.
Again? I've run out of pie-related puns.
He won't escape, sir.
Behold, Smithers, your so-called messiah.
Sir, I never To the employee prison! Now, let's see what we have here Simpsons! You'll rue the day you took that pie tin, poked holes for eyes, and attached a rubber band around the back! It's not a rubber band; it's a scrunchie! Silence! Or I'll chop you into suet for my murderous gerbils and hamsters.
Wait, I have a better idea.
You'll work for me now.
I already work for you.
In addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant, you will also serve as my personal hit man.
Do I get two paychecks? Here is your first assignment.
To prove your loyalty.
But I promised my daughter Do as I say, or I'll tell the police.
You'll do so much community service.
No, not community service! I can't stand helping others! I just can't! Now open the folder.
It contains your next victim.
No, not him! Anyone but him! I've had my problems with him, everyone has, but like every monster, he just wants to be loved.
Come on! It's cobblering time! I can't sleep.
I keep thinking about the pie man.
Oh, me, too! What if he started pieing good people? Not because he wanted to, but because he was being blackmailed by his boss? Homie, are you the pie man? No, I'm not, and here's a picture that proves it.
See? Well, whoever he is, the pie man would never cave in to blackmail.
Now, on a different subject, kiss me hard.
- You know, I'm not pie man.
- I don't care.
Girl scout cookies! Oh, come on! She's a little girl.
Grow a spine on your own time, blimpo.
Just one second, sweetheart.
Now pie that brownie, fruitcake! Sorry.
Sir, my baby wants to play patty-cake, now.
Your assignment.
The Dalai Lama?! That's right.
All his talk of peace and love is really honking off my red chinese masters.
Now, Smithers, walk me around the park until I fall asleep.
I'm feeling fussy.
As Springfield's youngest buddhist, I am deeply honored to introduce the Dalai Lama.
Oh, I can't do this in front of Lisa.
Why does she have to believe in things? You have no choice.
Pie him, or I'll reveal your secret to the world! And now, please welcome the Elvis of enlightenment, the lean, serene, chanting machine, the Dalai Lama! Greetings, fellow travelers on the path to enlightenment.
Please forgive me, talking llama.
No, pie man! Don't do it! C'mon, pie man, hit him! That's the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing! No.
I won't.
There's only one way I can escape from this nightmare.
Homer Simpson? It was him all along.
Homer Simpson is the pie man? Impossible! He's never thrown away a pastry in his life.
His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae! Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass! No offense, Homer.
Ya dumbass.
I'm telling you, I'm the pie man! No you're not.
The pie man could fly.
And spit acid! And animals did his bidding! Well, that closes the book on pie man.
- Wait a minute.
- What? If it wasn't Simpson, who was it? It's gonna be you, if you don't shut up! Dad, I think you created a hero that even you couldn't live up to.
Let's go home, honey.
On to my next engagement: Buffalo, New York! I know one person who believes you were the pie man, Homie.
Me.
I've known it all along.
Was it the kiss? No, it was clearly you in that suit.
You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start.
So, pie man Why don't you show me your superpowers? Pie man? Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there! For i am the pie man! And wherever pie man is, the cupcake kid will not be far behind.
While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  The Way We Weren't
The Simpsons s15e20 Episode Script
The Way We Weren't
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) I don't understand this game, Bart.
How come we have to rake your lawn while you just get to sit there? Because I'm "it".
Now whoever finishes first gets lemonade.
BOTH: Yay! For me.
Later when we wash his bike, I'm not gonna do a good job.
I'm telling Mr.
Bart! Shh! Hey, guys.
(GIGGLING) Uh-oh.
Girls.
You guys need your cootie shots.
(BOTH CRYING OUT IN PAIN) Well, I hate this job, but I love the health plan.
Okay, ladies.
Don't you have a poodle to dress up? Fine, we'll go.
We'll find some other way to entertain our boy-crazy cousin who thinks you're cute.
Oh, I wouldn't mind pushing that in the mud.
(MUMBLING) Homer drunk? But how? Hmm.
Round and round the bottle twirls, I hope it stops on one of the girls.
(GASPING) I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine.
Ew! Ugh! Ew! I kissed that sad weird kid! My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine.
(SOBBING) Why you little (CHOKING) My first kiss.
Stop it, Homer! There's only one way to settle this.
In Simpson Family Court.
What the hell's that? I got the idea from a now discredited book on raising children.
(GAVEL BANGS) Now up, the case of Simpson v.
Simpson.
Mr.
Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a 10-year-old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss? Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little league team? What? Permission to treat this witness as hostile.
Homer, I'll bet when you were kissing girls, and tipping dinosaurs.
Your father's first kiss was in high school, with me.
Actually, Marge, there was someone before you.
(GASPING) it was years ago when I was 1 Or maybe it was the early '70s.
Underprivileged? You pretended we were poor just to get me into camp? Uh, yeah, pretended.
Hey, you must be Homer! I'm Lenny and this is Carl.
Wow, a Negro.
We prefer the term "black.
" So cool.
Heya, fellas.
I'm Moe.
I'm your junior counselor.
(CHUCKLING) Moe's not really a counselor.
His parents dropped him off here, like, two years ago and they never came back for him.
I sleep under upside-down canoes.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (CARL AND LENNY GROANING) (ALL LAUGHING) D'oh! In the summertime when the weather is high (ALL YELLING) That's the girls' camp right over there.
(COY GIGGLING) Hi.
Oh! I can't wait to meet the girls! ALL: Wha That's right.
You're working in the kitchen.
That's how our camp pays the bills.
What bills? We got no water, no heat.
We catch our own breakfast.
Twelve kids died at our camp.
We need the money to pay lawyers.
I thought we were gonna play fun games at camp.
Oh, here's one! It's called "Stay out of my way.
" Idiot.
YOUNG MARGE: Oh, no.
My retainer.
I got it! Ooh la la! A girl with teeth! Me like.
YOUNG MARGE: Oh, thank you.
You sound so sweet.
(CHUCKLING) That's 'cause I've eaten 16 pieces of pie.
(BOTH GIGGLING) You know, doing dishes has been the best part of camp.
YOUNG MARGE: Really? Why? Because I talked to you.
YOUNG MARGE: Aw! I couldn't see her through the flaps, but she's my kind of girl.
Tell us more about the flaps.
To me, they were the rubbery gates of heaven because behind them was the girl of my dreams.
Oh, man.
Someday love'll come sliding down my chute.
Well, I can ask if she has any friends because she wants to meet me tonight.
Way to go! Out of sight! Now, Homer, if you're gonna go, you better take some protection.
Oh, a switchblade! I see the switch, but where's the blade? (CLICKING) D'oh! Found it.
An eye patch? But I've got a date tonight.
Oh, don't worry.
Chicks love that kind of thing.
Patches, scars, stumps.
Everything but zits.
All right, how should I get there? Hmm.
I guess it's row versus wade.
And it's my right to choose! Are you looking to cross the lake which separates ye from she? Who are you? The sailing instructor.
And on movie night, I run the projector.
Only PG.
Nothing R.
Yarrr.
HOMER: I couldn't believe my eye.
She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Until I met your mother, who made that girl look like a Godzilla made of garbage! Homer, that girl was me! (ALL GASPING) How romantic.
You and Dad were drawn to each other as kids and you didn't even realize it! Yes.
And then your father broke my heart.
And if I'd known it was you, I never would have married you.
Oh, this is so confusing! I'd like a brief recess.
Granted.
(BANGS GAVEL) Whee! Recess! (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) (GIGGLING) Whee! Let me get this straight.
When you were my age, you had the hots for Mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool or is it lame? I guess I'll go with lame.
You were lame! Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.
I've kissed three girls.
(SOBBING) I'm so lame! You're not gonna be kissing anybody for a while! Well, that stinks! But I still get to kiss you, right? (GRUMBLES) Mom, why are you so mad? I'll start from the beginning.
The girls' camp was focused on teaching etiquette and deportment.
Now that I've captured your interest, let me continue.
By summer's end, I promise you will all walk like ladies, talk like ladies, and hold your liquor like ladies.
Now chin up, head back, legs together.
Excellent.
Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milk-horse.
Now stand and walk.
(STRUGGLING) Well done.
I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
Thank you.
I used to walk like this all the time until my tendons snapped.
They heard it in Shelbyville.
Anyhoo, one night we had a special dinner.
We were learning to use all 33 forks.
Young lady, that is not an olive fork! Here's a simple trick to help you remember.
Ow! Hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Knife and fork together, denied yourself dessert.
Nice work, Marge.
Really.
Oh, no! My retainer! YOUNG HOMER: I got it! Oh! I'd thank you, but I don't even know your name.
I bet it's something low-rent like Billy Bob.
Or Homer.
Big ugly Homer! (GIGGLING SPITEFULLY) Oh, I'm sure it's a much nicer name than Homer.
Er Think, Homer.
Think.
YOUNG MARGE: What did you say? I'm Elvis! Elvis Jagger.
Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
(LAUGHING HEARTILY) I told my friends I had a date.
What should I wear? Should I paint my toes? And what should I do with my hair? You could iron it.
Iron my hair? That's what Leslie Uggams does! BART: Leslie who? MARGE: Uggams! Oh, it's really straightening out.
(CRIES OUT) Hmm.
I guess I'm going to have to be a brunette tonight.
Oh, dear me.
One day as a straight-haired brunette.
I feel so bad for you.
Stupid girl! Please don't be a freak.
Please don't be a freak.
SEA CAPTAIN: I met her on the mountain There I took her life Met her on the mountain Stabbed her with my knife (WHIMPERING) Hi.
Oh.
He's cute.
And he's got an eye patch.
I've never seen a boy so mysterious.
You must be Elvis.
Elvis? What the hell kind of name is Oh, yeah.
Right.
We've heard the same story two times now.
Whose side are we gonna hear next? The Sea Captain's? No, no.
I'd best be on me way.
I'll just take some Teddy Grahams for the road.
There goes a good friend.
Now I'm gonna warn you kids, the next part of the story gets a little WB.
Oh, man.
I want to kiss her.
Wait.
I just thought of the greatest move ever! (EXAGGERATED YAWNING) Oh, no.
He yawned.
I'm boring him.
Do you like music? I do.
I like Bobby Goldsboro, Gilbert O'Sullivan, Terry Jacks, Parliament, but not Funkadelic.
How am I supposed to kiss those things? Interrupt her with something witty.
Er Um Yes? Kiss her already.
What are you, chicken? (CLUCKING) Is he making chicken noises? Imagine me and you, I do I think about you day and night It's only right To think about the girl you love and hold her tight So happy together If I should call you up, invest a dime And you say you belong to me and ease my mind Imagine how the world could be so very fine So happy together Ahhh! I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice it had to be The only one for me is you, and you for me So happy together Way to go, Dad! The perfect kiss! It was pretty delicious.
It was as satisfying as a million Hallmark cards with all the right sized envelopes.
(SIGHING) it felt like a cluster bomb wiping out a graveyard full of zombies.
(SIGHING) But then your father showed his true colors.
Uh-oh! Will I see you again tomorrow? Absolutely.
Or my name isn't Whatever I told you it was.
MARGE: So we arranged to meet again at Second Date Rock.
(HUMMING) (SIGHING) I guess he's not coming.
It was years before I could trust a boy again.
(SOBBING) That's horrible.
How could you, Dad? Because he's the kind who kisses and leaves you! (SOBBING) I can't believe you stood Mom up.
Face it, Lise.
Men are dogs.
The worse we treat you, the more you want us.
That's not what dogs do.
(LAUGHING) You said "dog doo!" (CHUCKLING) She sure did.
Now if Lisa's finished with her shenanigans, I'll tell you why I didn't show up.
We had just finished our first smooch.
And I felt a feeling I had never felt before.
I found this stone earlier.
I was gonna use it as a nerd smasher.
But I want you to have it.
Ooh, it looks like a heart.
Hey, you're right! Give it back! Oh, no, I still want you to have it.
But every time you smash a nerd with it, think of me.
I will.
See you tomorrow night, okay? (SIGHING) What a kiss.
If I died now, I'd die happy.
(SCREAMING) Oh, what a view! (SCREAMING) Good ol' patch! You saved my life! Ahhh! So you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from Fat Camp.
Because the only way out is up a gentle slope.
What the Fat Camp? (WHISTLE BLOWING) (GROANING) (PANTING) I don't belong here! Heh! Your boy bosoms tell a different tale.
(GRUNTING) Okay.
Take a break, ladies.
No eating the grass! Hey, he didn't say nothing about this poison oak! Sweet, sweet poison.
Uh-oh! (GROANING) (VIBRATING) Ohhh I've gotta go.
I've got a date.
Yeah, you've got a date with a skinless chicken breast.
(LAUGHING) Somewhere out there, she's waiting for me.
Hello.
I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name! I will out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? (GRUNTS ANGRILY) And that's the origin of that.
(SOBBING) That boy I kissed wouldn't even tell me his real name.
Typical.
All boys want the same thing, to kiss until they're hot and heavy, then vamoose.
Trust us.
We know everything about boys except what they look like below the waist.
I have some theories based on a G.
L.
Joe I bought.
Well, I l never want to date a boy again! (SOBBING) Are you leaving camp because of that boy? Because that's what I've been telling everybody.
You're also pregnant.
I just can't stay here.
Everything reminds me of him.
Oh! (GRUNTING) Oh, the pain! (GROANING) Man was not meant to sit up! Oh! We've got an emergency here.
We need 10 cc's pronto.
And by cc's, I mean cupcakes.
MAN: I know what you mean, Bill.
I've worked here longer than you.
Now's my chance! (PANTING) Love conquers all! Snake! Bye-bye! Thank God they're gone.
I can't believe I went five minutes without one of these dream sticks.
Hey, have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl? If you are who I think you are, that girl is gone.
And she never wants to see you again.
She wouldn't do that.
We shared something special.
What? Just 'cause she smooched you? Was that special? (SOBBING) No! (SOBBING) I just blew my first chance at true love.
And now that my special girl has heard the truth, I know she'll forgive me.
Earth to special girl, you'll forgive me, right? I guess so.
Uh, I think we'll go to bed now.
What are you doing? If they fight in front of us, we might get new bikes.
Homer, when you nurse a hurt for 30 years, it doesn't go away in an instant.
What about now? (FRUSTRATED NOISE) What about now? No, Homer.
What about now? No, Homer.
What about now? No, Homer.
Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you.
But I've done way worse stuff since then.
There was the gun I hid from you.
The time I sued the church.
Ruining Lisa's wedding in the future.
Remember that? Homie, I know this shouldn't bother me, but a girl only has one first love.
(SIGHING) I guess it didn't mean that much to you.
That's not true! I thought about that girl every day of my life until I met you.
I wish there was some way I could believe that.
All right.
This is my memory box.
I haven't opened it in 30 years.
Ooh! A letter from my old pen pal.
Someday I'll write you back, Osama.
Ah! Here's what I'm looking for.
Oh, Homie! You did care! I sure did.
I kept it right next to my lBM stocking.
I kept my heart, too.
Because somehow you realized I was a good guy after all? No.
As a reminder of the hurtful things men can do.
(GULPING) But now it can have a second meaning.
MARGE: Oh, Elvis.
HOMER: Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge! (KISSING) English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Bart-Mangled Banner
The Simpsons s15e21 Episode Script
Bart-Mangled Banner
How's the ice cream, kids? - Great! Who's ready for a kitten? - I am! - Make mine calico! Here you go.
this whole morning has been wonderful.
Too wonderful.
You're right; this is it.
They're selling us to be crash test dummies! Oh, please let it be volvo.
Oh, you children are too suspicious.
It's go time.
it's shot day! welcome to hell man avenue medical plaza.
children, you should be grateful you live in a country where childhood diseases have been practically Karate! That hobo skeleton is not a toy! This is ridiculous.
Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles.
Stick me, chuckles! can I have a lollipop? Well, that just leaves bart.
Don't forget maggie! I got her when your heads were turned.
Got her good! Now, bart, just look out the window.
It'll take your mind off the pain.
And when you're done, I've got more lollies! No, thanks.
I already helped myself.
see you later, inoculator! he can run, but nobody escapes the needle.
Darlene, cancel all my appointments.
But I need that kidney now.
black-on-black violence must end.
That was for dr.
King.
Don't feel bad, doc.
I won't even let my mom clip my toenails.
I guess you're just too smart for me, bart.
What? thanks, barney.
Moe, we won't need you now.
Okay, well, I really enjoyed being you, dr.
Hibbert.
Oh, by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more.
I'm sorry.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it, bart? You know, sometimes the fear of whoa, something's wrong! Ah, ah, I can't hear! Doctor! Perform a diagnosis! I'm afraid the inoculation has swollen his ear holes shut.
Maybe this would be a good time to talk about side effects.
The boy's hearing should clear up in a day.
If it doesn't, call me in the bahamas.
For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen.
Cool! Oh, it's a good pen.
Try it out.
That was a malpractice waiver, fool! Stop it, homer! Give your wallet, kid! We're gonna identity theft your ass! he's just standing his ground! He knows that deep down, all bullies are cowards! We're undone! I know what you're hiding, lad.
Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of '88.
But I taught myself to read lips.
Mornin', willie! What'd you say about me mother?! For your information, her feet stink 'cause she works in manure all day! But it's still the best darn starbucks in glasgow! Bart, pass the ketchup.
Bart, pass the ketchup! Dad, he's deaf.
Oh, sorry, right.
Bart, pass the corn.
Bart, pass the corn! I think you should stay home from school tomorrow.
But mom, tomorrow's the big donkey basketball game.
The kids are gonna play the teachers.
Donkey basketball? Now I've heard everything.
Unlike you! everybody, remember that for when his hearing comes back.
Switch! welcome, everyone, to the annual donkey basketball classic.
I'm sure that "mule" enjoy it.
man, tough crowd.
Would everyone just rise for our national anthem? hey, donkey, want a carrot? psyche! good lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, buttermilk.
how dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against! When you insult the flag, you insult my flag tattoo! what'd ye say about me mother? you'll fry up nice tonight! Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of america's only losing war.
To date.
I swear, bart didn't know what he was doing.
He was deaf.
Oh, sure, marge-- just like "blind bart," "wheelchair bart," "pregnant bart," and my personal favorite, "railroad-spike- through-head bart.
" kids love trains.
Hey, fellas, my hearing's back.
Congratulations traitor! Thank you-- and let me say, I missed your sweet, sweet voices.
Cram it, iraqi! Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex! All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to overhype this story so much, it makes the new york post look like the new york times.
Or the new york times look like the new york post.
I forget which one the good one is.
I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked.
There's the boy who bared his bottom to old glory.
And the family that applauds his every moonery.
They hate our country, but they love our soapy water! Hey, benedict arnold, our cups don't want your colorful balls.
No one calls me unpatriotic.
hey, guys.
Oh, cold shoulder, huh? Well, I'll just talk to myself.
Hey, how ya doing, homer? Oh, not too bad.
How about you? Oh, I'm fine.
Your wife was great in bed last night.
You keep your hands off my wife! Oh, yeah? Well, I give her what she needs.
And she like homer! Stop it! This bar's only for real americans.
And people on permanent visas, like me.
What? What are you all looking at? I'm dutch.
Eh, forget all of you.
I'm leaving, too-- I'm gonna go listen to the president's weekly radio address.
And not the rebuttal! Good-bye, homer.
I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect.
Even my best friends have left me.
I'm all alone! We've become pariahs! In the last two hours, I've gotten 1,000 hate spams.
y'ello.
Appear on your tv show? Tell our side of the story? You'll see us there?! Good-bye?! Dial tone?! If there's one way to get the truth out, it's on a cable news channel.
When we explain our side of the story, the hate calls will end.
I won't have to hear, "suck my such and such" or "hell this" and "bitch that" we get it, mom.
No, no, let her finish Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? Son, I've learned one thing in this life: To stay out of trouble, just say nothing.
Don't rock the boat.
Don't even get in the boat.
Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier.
But don't go in the bathrooms, they're filthy.
Dad, I am going on a talk show.
I have to say something.
Talk about boats! Then when he asks you if you hate this country, you just start crying and pretend you don't.
But I don't hate this country.
There, there, save your lies for the american public.
I'm nash castor, and it's time to butt heads.
Bart simpson, what do you hate most about this country? Is it the freedom? Nash, I've realized something.
I'm the worst kid in the world, and the last thing I deserve is forgiveness.
But with a little help from jesus and our fighting men and women overseas all right, so if I hear you correctly, you're saying america is better than jesus.
Do you agree? Uh, before he can answer-- do you? Well, america's not perfect so, america isn't perfect.
Is that why you and your son hate us? If by "us", you mean loudmouthed talk show hosts-- which everyone seems to be in this country-- then yes, I do hate americans! what'd she say? Wow, marge, I'm surprised you haven't been run out of town.
I'll have you know I am very well-liked in springfield.
There you have it-- springfield hates america.
Now, coming up after this commercial, I will be talking even louder.
Don't miss it! All over the country tonight, patriotic americans are denouncing springfield and its official spokesmen, the simpsons.
I declare today, december 25, "we hate springfield day.
" Overseas the reaction tonight is decidedly different.
Simpsons be praised! Praise be to springfield! But not everyone is ululating tonight.
The president announced today he is pointing warheads at turn that off! This could destroy our town! Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina.
If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk.
Sir, conventions are pulling out of springfield left and right.
The paprika festival, bandana days sir, we just lost the adult video awards.
Not the boneys! I am honored to announce that we are changing the name of our town to liberty-ville! $17.
76?! I can't afford to sell a westside home for that! But what a fantastical year for pizza by the slice! charge a-money for the pizza buy myself a big-a new car.
I'm as patriotic as the next person, but changing the traffic lights to red, white and blue just seems dangerous.
Come on, kid, go! You got the red! Okay, mr.
Teeny, before the cops come, swallow all these illegal pills, then run to the vet.
homeland noodles with uncle sam balls? Apu, aren't you going a bit overboard with the patriotism? Oh I don't think so.
It is a heartfelt expression of my true desire to protect my mahogany noggin.
Poonam and uma are fighting! No, no.
Those are their pre-witch hunt names.
Their new names are freedom, lincoln, condoleeza, coke, pepsi, manifest destiny, apple pie and superman.
And together, we're the macgillicuddys.
Lord, give us the courage to worship the american flag, be it on a car, a belt buckle, or on your holy person.
Ay caramba! I'd like to say something about the current climate of repression and fear.
Oh, put a fork in it! Sit down, saddam! "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.
" That's from the first amendment to the constitution.
Thank you.
- Thank you, lisa.
I'm sure your opinion will not go unnoticed.
Simpsons, you're under arrest for the violation of the government knows best act.
Martha! Play something to lighten the mood.
buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks I don't I can't believe they put us in jail.
It's not a jail.
It's a "reeducation center.
" Well, where do you think we are? Well, let's see.
After they blindfolded us, it was left, right, left, then a three-hour plane ride.
do you get time off for snitching on your cell mates? You were right, homie.
We shouldn't have rocked the boat.
Then none of this would have ever happened.
Well, we're not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned.
Check out all the left-wing celebrities.
Elmo go to wrong fund-raiser.
Bill clinton? What are you doing here? I called the republican tax cuts unwise.
And I stand by it.
They're unwise! I want my washington post! Here's your washington post! You like that, clinton? You traitors pipe down! You're all here because you hate freedom! I'm here because I said imported wines are better than napa valley.
Yeah? Well, why don't you take a nap-a? my only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from canada.
I don't know why they put the real ones in with the joke ones.
hello.
I'm the U.
S.
Constitution, and I'm over 200 years old, but I'm feeling fine.
I wish I could say the same for my crazy cousin, bill o' rights.
What did I do? What did I do? lisa, that's not funny.
You believe in the bill of rights.
I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentathol, or that it's the only cartoon I've seen in two months, but this is what I believe in now.
Oh, homer, we've got to get out of here.
Yeah, yeah.
Next commercial.
I know a way out.
Who are you? I'm the last registered democrat.
Tax and spend! Tax and spend! now, if you want to escape, you can do it during the prison talent show tomorrow night.
I don't want to be in any stupid talent show.
Not without my tennessee walking horses.
Well, you've got no choice.
It's the only way you'll achieve your goal.
Goal! sweet, sweet goal! Thank you.
Vote for me for "best in show.
" You guys are on after al franken, so the guards will have used up most of their bullets.
Make your break at the end of your act.
Now, people have accused this family of not loving our country, but you can't spell "U.
S.
A.
" Without us eh? oh, beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of grain okay, kids, show off your pipes americans are brave and loyal so come on, jerks, give us your oil my card here says "aclu" now look what I'm going to do to love our country is no chore wait right here for our encore.
we mean it, don't move.
they've escaped! Okay, kids, show off your pipes dad, why are you still singing that stupid song? Because if they catch us, we may have to do it again.
And this time, I want it tight.
What genius put a prison on the middle of an island? Does everyone remember their swimming lessons? Yes.
Yes.
- No.
Great, dive in.
Hold your fire.
That walrus will eat them.
- No, that's the dad.
But he's eating a seal.
Swim toward san francisco! I'm not made of money! We'll swim to oakland.
There's a ship! We're saved! Oh, what's the use? Even if they pick us up, we'll go back to jail 'cause they think we hate america.
I don't want to end up like elmo, hanging himself in prison.
Mes amis, we hate america, too.
Come to France and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the germans.
I've always wanted to go to France.
Your women don't age-- like catherine deneuve.
Eh, you wait till you see her up close, then you tell me.
Maman, please pass ze baguette.
The food is so delicious here.
And these chanel suits are five for a dollar.
I'm using a jacket as a napkin.
And here, no one calls me a fat jerk.
I'm a gourmand.
And yet, I miss america.
I miss america, too.
The united states has its grandeur and its follies, but, mostly, it's the place where all our stuff is.
I wish we could go back, but I don't think we're welcome there.
No, marge, there's one group that's always welcome in america-- immigrants without I.
D.
well, kids, this is the first chapter of our brand-new lives in america.
Name? - Simpson.
From now on,you're the simps! Mm, that'll save time.
Now, kids, it'll take us a while to assimilate.
I'll start out as a cop, then, with time, become a dirty cop.
I think I'm going to like this america.
Everywhere around the world they're coming to america every time that flag's unfurled they're coming to america got a dream to take them there they're coming to america Lord Damon
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 15  >  Fraudcast News
The Simpsons s15e22 Episode Script
Fraudcast News
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ELECTRICAL BUZZING) This is Kent Brockman, live at Springfield's most beloved tourist attraction, the man-shaped mountain crag known as Geezer Rock.
Carved by centuries of wind and rain, Geezer Rock will soon be more than just a place for teens to have sex and commit suicide.
Why did they cancel Futurama? (SCREAMS) You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out! Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark.
What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey.
Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement! (GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters.
Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk! Gee, I never noticed that before.
He's got a tree in his eye.
If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock! We'll lose tourists! And then, who will buy my roadside corn? You don't sell roadside corn.
There's a lot you don't know about me, Marge.
A lot that would shock you.
(SINGING) Ride a painted pony Let the spinnin' wheel spin Thank you, Blood and Tears.
Sorry to hear about Sweat.
Now, before the Undersecretary of the interior declares Geezer Rock a national landmark, we shall hear a poem written by honor student, Lisa Simpson.
Thank you.
(HOMER STRUGGLING) Geezer Rock, An Appreciation in Verse.
(LIGHT APPLAUSE) (GRUNTING) Now, to do something I've never done before.
Help out an old man.
"Postcard image, thing to see" (RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem.
Run fast or lose your ass! (ALL SCREAMING) Mr.
Burns? Mr.
Burns is gone.
And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo.
(SOBBING) I can't believe that historic rock is gone.
My poem has become an elegy.
An elegy no one will ever hear.
Well, at least some good came out of today.
Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine.
Okay.
Three bucks.
Why don't you publish your poem? Publish it myself? Why not? I could put out a whole newspaper dedicated to the rock! I'd be a publisher, just like Katharine Graham! Or that lady who wheels Larry Flynt around.
Mr.
Burns, perhaps it's best you were snatched away before time could diminish your beauty.
Stop your wailing, Waylon! I'm alive! MR.
BURNS: Oops! That stays in.
Sir, you're alive! But how? Because of my svelte physique, I was able to fit in a narrow air pocket.
I survived on whatever sustenance came my way.
Thankfully, a mother mole nursed me as her own until I was strong enough to continue.
Now, let's see how the common folk are grieving for their fallen god, me.
And so, a day after the tragedy, the town still mourns the loss of its venerable old man.
Here it comes.
Beloved by children.
Yes, the little ones.
Thought to be thousands of years old I have been 89 for a while now.
We'll miss you, Geezer Rock.
(SPITS) (GASPING) Quickly, Smithers, re-hydrate me.
But one old man we certainly don't miss is the late C.
Montgomery Burns.
As owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, he generated both electricity and contempt.
Thank you, Geezer Rock, for doing what none of us had the courage to do, smush Mr.
Burns.
This town cared more for a soulless piece of granite than for me.
I don't have a friend in the world.
You have me, sir.
Don't be so needy! Well, I'm going to change this town's accurate impression of me.
Sir, you could improve your image with various good deeds.
Don't I already give out turkey slices to the poor? You eliminated that program in the '30s, sir.
They were getting too grabby! Oh, all right.
I know how to change the way the public thinks of me.
I'll buy every media outlet in town! Bring me a checkbook and a mother mole! (SUCKING) I really got hooked on this stuff.
Thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of The Red Dress Press, Dad.
I'm always happy to help you, sweetie.
Extree! Extree! Man driving erratically throws papers out window! LISA: "Elegy for Geezer Rock.
" "Postcard image, thing to see," "to think of Springfield is to think of thee.
" "What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien?" "Why sky art blue, why trees art green?" "And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see?" "Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me.
" "Brought low by nature's oafish hand," "thou crush-ed our reviewing stand" "and twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth.
" "All things must pass, thy face, my youth.
" Oh, wow.
I haven't cried like this since the third Mr.
Teeny died.
You couldn't hold a candle to him.
(WEEPING) Neither could you! You're okay, you got me broads.
Oh, this is one dilly of a daily, Lisa.
Can't wait for tomorrow's.
"Tomorrow's"? I hadn't thought about publishing more.
You better.
I've already sold a bunch of subscriptions.
How do you think I got these swell prizes? All right, Nelson, what kind of journalism skills do you have? I don't know.
Making nerds cry? Perfect.
You're our TV critic.
Ralph, what about you? I want to be a fire truck.
How about a feature columnist? Yeah, I'm a feature columnist! (IMITATING SIREN BLARING) Good day.
Hello.
Great glayvin's ghost! He's alive! Yes, that's right.
I pulled a Jesus.
Have a nickel.
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinking beer out of? Boy, I can't wait to dance on his grave! Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
(ALL EXCLAIM) Whose grave? Uh, the unknown soldier? Carry on.
(SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons.
Step one, amass a vast media empire.
The station's not for sale, Burns.
It's been in the same family for generations.
Look, I assure you, no sack of money is big enough to change my mind.
Now, if There's more to life than being rich, you know? Very tempting, but I assure you, I'm still not sold.
Want to split an ice cream sundae? Done and done! BART: Check it out.
Principal Skinrash.
Nice work, Bart, but give him a runny nose.
I want the readers to gag on their morning cup of joe.
Snot a problem, chief.
Don't call me chief.
Sure thing, jerk.
Chief is fine.
You're on the Morning Zoo with Bill and Marty! What's your Wednesday whine? MR.
BURNS: Well, first of all, I agree with you two, it's sheer humbuggery that pretty girls can flirt their way out of speeding tickets.
No support for the naughty hotties! (HONKING HORN) Secondly, I want you to pack up and get out.
I just bought this station, and you're fired.
And play that delightful flush sound on your way out.
Yes, sir.
(TOILET FLUSHING) indoor plumbing.
The lack of it killed my mother.
I've done it, Smithers! I've bought every media outlet in town.
TV, radio, even the skywriters.
Cletus, what does that say? That? That says, "I loves you, Brandine.
" Oh, Cletus.
Tonight, you can knock me up again.
Excellent.
But put a little more apple in my cheek.
It's apple-ing now, sir.
Splendid! Now, let's see how I'm faring on the jumping box.
You mean the television, sir? Television, jumping box, picto-cube, just crank it up! In tonight's face-off, I will be debating Channel on the subject of our new boss, C.
Montgomery Burns.
My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American.
He's got a heart as big as my boobs! I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one.
Boobs! Smithers, do you know Bill from Accounting? That's his daughter.
Hmm.
Let me show you why you and all protesters are wrong.
All right.
Nuclear power helps heat that orphanage and keeps that hospital humming.
But what about wind power? It's cheap and safe.
Is it? (YELLS) Remember, children, nuclear power is your friend, and so is Monty Burns.
Don't end up like me.
Vote Republican.
God bless America.
This cartoon was made in Korea.
Burns owns everything! I've got to speak out before it's too late! D'oh! "Dear readers, you hold in your hands" "the last paper not controlled by the Burns Media empire.
" "We are not afraid to say" "Montgomery Burns is a monopolistic, self-aggrandizing" "stinky pants.
" Hmm.
Maybe Burns ain't so great.
This little girl has given us a lot to mull.
Hey, you mugs, thinking ain't drinking! Hey! Ow! Okay.
Bring that girl to me.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Burns, but my paper is not for sale.
Maybe a little gift will change your mind.
Send in Sugarbell.
She's very pretty.
But the answer is still no.
Honeysuckle, Dewdrop.
(MUSIC BOX CHIMING) Oh, no! (NICKERING) They're so beautiful.
And their breath smells like peppermint.
No! No! I won't take your blood ponies! Go on, sweeties.
Go on.
Shoo.
(HISSING) Very well.
You had your chance.
I am going to shred you like a Christmas card! Now get out! I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour! (SIGHS) So, what do you think of today's popular music scene? I think it distracts people from more important social issues.
My God, are you always on? (SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING) Stupid women helicopter pilots! (SCREAMING) Everyone okay? (ALL GROANING) (RATTLING) Uh-oh.
You can't leave now.
We're the only thing stopping Mr.
Burns! Sorry, Lisa.
And by the way, that story I filed from Baghdad was all made up.
I was actually in Basra.
(GROANING) Everyone chickened out.
Except Ralph.
He got poached by the Chicago Tribune.
I guess we're down to just me.
Take the sob sister act somewhere else.
You're standing in my light.
Bart, you're staying! Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here, the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop.
Oh, it's beautiful! This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire? Your goons did run her off the road, sir.
I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do! Perhaps there's a non-violent way to silence this girl? Non-violence never solved anything.
Fine, curtsy boy.
I'll try it your way.
What the Dad, Mr.
Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! (SINGING) Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS) That was totally worth it.
Stupid Burns! Cuts off my power, lowers my credit rating.
Lisa, I think I can help you.
You're not mad about Principal Skinrash? Are you kidding? I love it! I once had a principal like that! Now, come with me.
What's that? This, young lady, is a mimeo machine.
A hand-operated duplicating device.
No electricity needed.
(SNIFFS) That smell takes me back.
(GUNS FIRING) (YELLS IN VIETNAMESE) Finally in 1992, I was reunited with that chair.
It wasn't quite the same.
Good God.
I'm at war with a little girl.
And I'm losing! Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil! My league! My beautiful league! All dead.
Even monsters need air, sir.
Blast! Well, gather their watches.
I must find another way to vanquish the girl.
So, has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble-rouser? Oh, yeah.
She's always trying to improve mankind.
Fascinating! Do go on.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to get dirt on Lisa? Oh, you saw right through me.
Well done.
Have some congratulatory drugs.
Well, if that's your custom.
Now, tell me more about your daughter.
And speak into the lamp.
Okay.
Well, she's into Buddhism, whistle-blowing, totally against pollution, no matter what I say.
Liberal wacko, eh? Any young beaux? Well, that loser Milhouse has always had a thing for her.
Don't you love it when nerds don't know they're nerds? Yes.
There's nothing more pathetic than self-delusion, eh? Hello, Beefcake Charlie.
(CHUCKLES) Dad, how could you say these things? I'm so sorry, honey.
I said good things about you, too.
Check out the Lifestyle section.
"Plastic Pearls Make the Girl.
" Well, at least there's nothing else Burns can do to me.
Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse! It's as easy as crushing an ant.
You know the (GRUNTING) Whoa! Take my wallet and leave me alone! It's not fair.
(SOBBING) I can't stand seeing one of my children like this.
(MUFFLED SOBBING) Oh, I can still hear her! I better do something! Look at you go! Typety-type-type-type! Marge, I'm pulling an all-nighter for my little girl! Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers! Some anniversary this is.
"The Homer Times"? HOMER: "All my daughter ever did" "was tell people to think for themselves.
" "I may be her father, but when I grow up," "I want to be just like her, except still a dude!" Oh, Dad, this is so sweet.
But I've learned one little paper can't make a difference in this world.
"The Barney Bugle"? Lisa, you've made me realize the importance of free and independent media.
So I printed my own paper! Although, it's mostly culled from wire services.
(BELCHES) Hey, who wants a copy of The Lenny Saver? You have a newspaper, too? Well, I was reading in The Homer Times about what you did for us.
And I got to thinking maybe I should start asking my own questions.
You know, find out the truth about things.
It had to be told.
Check out The Willie World News.
I reviewed the new tractors.
They're all shite! See, Lisa? Instead of one big shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.
I couldn't be prouder.
Are you a Patty or a Selma? Take our quiz.
Well, blow me down.
I'm a Selma.
Well, I guess it's impossible to control all the media.
Unless of course you're Rupert Murdoch.
He is one beautiful man.
I couldn't agree more.
Smithers, I'm a proud fellow, and it's not easy for me to admit defeat.
But I know just the thing to make me feel better.
Shopping.
(JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Treehouse of Horror XIII
The Simpsons s14e01 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XIII
Ha, ha, I don't know, neighborinos.
I'm all for Halloween fun but a sÃ©ance sounds a little PG-13.
But this is your chance to contact your late wife, Maude.
Well, I do miss the missus.
Maude Flanders, we the living beseech you to appear.
Ned I'm back.
Give me a kiss.
Chill out, dudes.
It's me, Bart Simpson.
What are you looking at? Maude.
You still look as pretty as the day I buried you.
Are you ready for tales that will shatter your spine and boil your blood? - Well, duh.
- Then choke on these! Treehouse of Horror 13 Now to spend some quality time away from my family.
I've got a list of things for you to do.
- My favorite is number three.
- Oh, I'd love to.
But someone made me too many pancakes and now I have to sleep them off.
Oh, those were for the Church breakfast.
Were they now? Hammocks.
Get your hammocks.
The hammock man.
I'm glad he's a little early today.
The price is $10.
But I must warn you, this is no ordinary hammock.
Its webbing is a mesh of comfort and evil.
You had me at "comfort.
" Mm-hm.
Hmm, Mr.
Hammock, say hello to Madam Ass.
Unh! What the? It made another me.
- How cool is that? - Wa.
Hmm, no bellybutton.
Shuttle's in the hangar.
You wanna be my slave? Outstanding.
Oh, uh Mm-hm.
Speed it up, ugly.
Eh, he had a good run.
I'm gonna need help with this.
Hmm.
Beer for me? No, you've got chores to do.
Chores? Me need clone.
Wait a minute.
Wow, four of me.
I think this could be a magic hammock.
And it just might be the answer to my problems.
Uh What do you think, Homer? Does this make my hips look big? Outfit good, flatters butt.
Oh, aren't you a dear? Then after World War II, it got kind of quiet till Superman challenged FDR to a race around the world.
FDR beat him by a furlong.
Or so the comic books would have you believe.
The truth lies somewhere in between Me good dad.
Hmm.
Does Dad seem a little dumber than usual? Me not notice.
Homie, you've been such a sweetheart today.
Let's go upstairs and - I'll take it from here, fake-o.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
Unh! - Unh! Why you little Aah! Man, are we evenly matched.
Me concur.
It would take three clones to beat the original Homer.
Hmm.
Huh, I mean four.
- Oh.
- Suckers.
Kids, your father made us breakfast.
Yay! - Go, go, go.
- Okay.
Say, Homer, I was, uh I was wondering if I could borrow that chainsaw you, uh, stole from me.
Yeah, but you have to leave a credit card.
- No problem.
Discover okay? - Ned.
Okay, here's my Amex.
Mm-hm.
Homie, I must say you have the energy of 20 men lately.
Twenty-three.
Today, I'm gonna mow the lawn, do my taxes, shoot hoops with Bart and girl it up with Lisa.
Aw.
Oh, I gotta get rid of these guys.
Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield does anyone remember the way home? I do.
Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on.
Okay, everyone out.
Now to make sure this hammock never troubles anyone again.
Ooh.
Mm? Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes.
Ah, look at that corn.
Old Gil's hard work is finally paying off.
Well, at least I got my health.
Aw.
Beer, beer, beer.
Like comedy clubs in the late '80s, these ravenous clones are everywhere.
They've destroyed every building in town except Moe's Tavern, which is reporting record business.
Now, uh, who's gonna be picking up the tab? Lenny.
Anything for Homers.
Dad, is there something you'd like to tell us about this horde? You'd think so, but no.
They look like you, they were rude to Patty and Selma and the horde has been described as very gassy.
Yeah, it's a good group.
Currently the, uh, Vietcong I mean, the, uh, Homers are occupying these areas.
By tomorrow Good God, we're doomed.
No! We're out of doughnuts.
That's it.
I know exactly what we should do.
Thank God.
And you said we shouldn't let little girls in the war room.
Look, I was wrong, okay? Mm, doughnuts.
Want doughnut.
- Doughnut.
- Chocolate.
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Son of a D'oh! Thank you, general.
That's a big relief.
The horde is almost dead.
There's still some writhing and twitching.
- But that should stop by morning.
- Good news.
Mm.
One handsome hubby is all I need.
No bellybutton? You're a clone.
- Then the real homer - First over cliff.
My Homie's dead? How will I go on? You like back rub? Oh, well.
And if you can't be With the one you love Love the one you're with Goldie, you were more than just a goldfish.
- You were a member of the family.
- Rest in peace, pal.
"William H.
Bonney.
" "Gunned down July 14, 1881.
Aged 21.
" So young.
"I dream of a world without guns.
" Don't we all, William? Lisa has a dead boyfriend.
He's not my dead boyfriend.
He is a dead boy who happens to be my friend.
Mr.
Bonney, I'm gonna make your dream come true.
If not for guns, poor William Bonney might've become a doctor or a senator.
Or a frustrated novelist.
Ha, ha, sure.
The point is let's stop the madness and ban guns now.
Yeah! Yeehaw! The girl's right.
I'm sorry.
I can't live without passion.
Well, well, not so tough without your gun, are you, Snake? Ow.
I guess you are.
That's what I like about this job, you learn stuff.
Twenty-eight, 29.
There's one missing.
Not Mr.
Blastie.
It's okay, boy.
You'll be shooting angels in heaven.
Well, boys, now it's our turn.
Uh, this always made me feel like a man, you know? Now all I got is my enormous genitals.
Three cheers for a gun-free Springfield! - Hip, hip - Hooray! - Hip, hip - Hooray! - Hip, hip - Hooray! Springfield's weapons of death have been converted into weapons of climbing and sliding.
The bumps tickle my bottom.
I proudly declare our town utterly defenseless.
If only poor William Bonney were here to see his dream come true.
Oh, but I am.
William Bonney? Better known as Billy the Kid.
Ha-ha-ha! Looks like the only guns left are in my cold dead hands.
Now, I'd like you to meet the Hole in the Ground Gang.
Frank and Jesse James.
- The Sundance Kid.
- Aah! - What happened to Butch Cassidy? - "What happened to Butch Cassidy?" We're not joined at the hip.
And the most evil German of all time, Kaiser Wilhelm.
Huh? He ain't no cowboy.
Sure I am.
Yippy, wippy, wippy.
Okay, he's in.
Now, let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor then rob the poor and shoot the money.
Play us some "pian-ee.
" That's piano! I said, "pian-ee.
" You, play the "cell-ee.
" You, sing a song about cattle rustling.
And you, sing one about, uh, robbing banks.
Calf's in the field So you sneak up slow Grab him by the tail And go, man, go Break into the bank And snatch that dough Please don't hurt our family Marge, let me do a solo.
This could be my big break.
I very much doubt that, Homer.
These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Hey, so are the Grammy judges.
Ha-ha-ha, ugh! Pardon the grabbing but I've perfected a device that could save us all.
A time machine.
We can go back to the past and save our guns.
Give me.
Uh, for flailing out loud, I hope he doesn't do anything to ruin the space-time continuum.
That's all Oh, dear.
Poor William Bonney might have become a doctor or a senator.
Hear me, people of the past.
Hey, everyone, that's us.
I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope.
Grab your guns and follow me.
- Yeah! - All right! Dad, what are you doing? Ooh, how to explain this to a child? Hmm.
Future Daddy needs to double kill these corpses so they won't come back as zombies and Get him! Another tragedy prevented by gun violence.
I guess guns really are the answer.
Hear me, people of Springfield.
I come from yet another distant future where gun violence has destroyed the very Earth itself.
What is this, open mike night? Hah! Now to get me some caveman hookers.
Tell me again why we're spending our vacation on the Island of Lost Souls.
Hey, what could be more fun than an island shaped like a big smiley face? Welcome to my island.
Dr.
Hibbert? But we heard you'd gone mad.
Yes, completely mad.
About providing topnotch vacation values.
Ha-ha-ha.
Willie, help them with their bags.
Now, he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Ha, ha.
I've been around Scotsmen.
Homer, someone's in trouble.
Hey, I'm on vacation.
Dr.
Hibbert, this is a topnotch resort.
Can you recommend some activities? Well, one activity you might enjoy is not asking questions.
But man's inquisitive nature is what separates us from the animals.
Why must we be separated? Think what Shakespeare might've accomplished if he'd had the eyes of an eagle or could spray stink on his critics.
Now, who'd like some turkey? It's a lovely nerd I mean "bird.
" No! Wait a minute now.
Guess what, I'm dying, ha, ha with the basting and the butterballing and the chestnut stuffing in my pupik.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Death.
Homie, something very creepy is going on here.
They're gonna try to sell us timeshares? I think I'm going to do a little sleuthing.
Bring back some ice.
"House of pain.
" This must be where you pay the bill.
Why am I always so funny when no one's around? Oh, I'm around.
Unh.
What's up, honey? Want a little loving? Woo-hoo, quite a tiger there.
Easy, easy.
Ha, ha, I guess it has been a while.
Okay, that hurts more than it tickles.
Quiet, youse.
Isn't vacation sex always the best? Marge, you were like a wild beast.
So voracious and prowly.
And I've never seen you use your tail like that.
What the? Oh, my God.
She's become a monster.
Which I have to admit, I sort of suspected during the sex.
Gotta find a way to change Marge back.
And replace the M&M'S I took from the minibar.
Hey, Homer.
Flanders.
Oh, a perfect vacation ruined.
Hate to be a needy Neddy, but could you do me a favor? - Hmm.
- Milk me.
Uh, I really don't wanna do that, Ned.
Oh, come on, Homer.
All I'm asking is for you to yank my teats and harvest my milk.
- Ugh, fine.
Ooh, that's nice.
You're actually quite gentle when you wanna be.
You know, you're not helping.
In the jungle, the creepy jungle Homer rides a freak Shh.
Hey.
Huh! What's that? I'm a dog.
Hear me, accursed brethren.
I understand that some of you are still wearing tattered pants.
Please, throw them on the bonfire and embrace your animal essence.
Okay, but I'm keeping the tattered vest.
I still have my dignity.
Hey, slops.
Ooh, a toenail.
Ha, ha.
I can't believe it.
Hibbert's turned you all into human guinea pigs.
We prefer "Italian-American pigs.
" Hey, Dad, check it out.
"Eat my shorts"? Why, you little Maggie.
Lisa.
Ugh! We were just playing.
What game? Let's Eat Maggie.
Manimals, inverta-broads.
You must fight back against the one who did this to you.
Yar, the half-man, half-gorilla speaks the truth.
Now, I admit I made a few mistakes, but all in the name of progress.
Hear, hear.
- It's Mr.
Burns.
- With a fox attitude.
Think about it, my hideous children.
Aren't you better off now than you were as humans? Me gusto pollen.
Disco Shrew can still boogaloo.
You guys are nuts.
All you can do is eat and sleep and mate, and roll around in your own filth and mate and eat Where do I sign up? So how do you like being a walrus, Dad? It's great.
I haven't been this skinny since high school.
Homie, someone owes me a back scratch.
Look at that island shaped like our number four.
Makes you think.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  How I Spent My Strummer Vacation
The Simpsons s14e02 Episode Script
How I Spent My Strummer Vacation
The Simpsons How I Spent My Strummer Vacation D'oh! Ah! - Hi, Moe.
Got any beer? - Sure.
Check in the fridge.
Wait a minute, I'm at work.
You gotta pay for it.
What the? Where's my money? Dear Homie, had to buy diapers for Maggie.
Love, Marge.
- Wha? - Simpson.
Oh.
Dear Dad, took money for the book fair.
Homer, I need cash or they're gonna break my legs.
Sorry, Homer.
- So you're gonna let me walk out sober? - I'm afraid so.
- And you can live with that? - Ya-huh.
Fine.
There are plenty other ways for me to alter my consciousness.
Oh, yeah.
Are you gonna buy those toads or just lick them? Lick them.
Go away.
Ah.
Thanks for the donation, Mr.
Simpson.
Do you feel okay? Jewish? Oh, no, I'm not Jewish.
Wait till Moe sees how wasted I got without him.
He's gonna plotz.
You wouldn't serve Homer because he didn't have money? What happened to you, Moe? You used to be about the booze.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I got caught up in all the glitz and glamour.
- Well, Moe.
- Homer, I'm so sorry.
Have a free beer.
Oh.
Uh, I don't care about the color of your skin, Lenny.
You're my friend.
Man, I've never seen anybody get loaded so fast.
Can you say the alphabet backwards? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You - Hey, I'm worried.
- I've had just about enough of you.
- Oh, yeah? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, rats.
- I'm out of here.
We can't let our friend drive like this.
I'm liable here.
- Uh? - Get his keys.
Hey, you want my keys? Get them now, jerks.
So long, jerks.
Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this.
Good morning, everybody.
What's for breakfast, cutie? Homie, it's 5 p.
m.
We're having dinner.
What? Wait a That can't be right.
Wait.
Was last night the night we set the clocks ahead eight hours? You got loaded at Moe's and the car had to be towed home.
If I was that drunk, I would remember it.
It's true.
I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning.
I had to tell Mr.
Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Oh, couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie? But you did have violent diarrhea.
Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.
Remember how you got home last night, Dad? Of course.
It was, uh, some kind of a light rail.
There's no light rail in Springfield.
Oh, won't anyone pretend to believe me? - I will, Dad.
- That's why you're my favorite.
All right, time for my favorite show.
Monkey Trauma Center will not be seen tonight Oh.
so we may present this cheaper show.
Taxicab Conversations.
Hey, I read about this show in Teen Modern Maturity.
They film passengers with cameras and catch them at their most uninhibited.
That explains that.
Looks like somebody got down tonight.
Disco Stu always gets down, baby.
Because when the beat is hot, the - Hey, can you keep a secret? - What is it, hon? I hate disco.
It's all I've talked about for so long, people think I'm a one-note guy.
It's just getting harder, you know.
I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.
- How you doing? - Talky thing, ain't you? Another proud moment for the Simpsons.
I don't remember anybody telling me I was gonna be on TV.
- So, what do you do for a living? - Oh, you know, I'm a guy at a place.
How'd you get such a crappy job? You a convict or a junkie? - Little of both.
You got a family? - Oh, yeah.
Wife and two or three kids.
Can't imagine my life without them.
Oh, you big fooler.
Pretending not to remember so you could surprise us.
Yeah, I'm pretty great.
At the end of a hard day there's no better feeling than coming home to the people that you love.
- Oh, Homie.
- That is so sweet.
I had no idea, Dad.
I just assumed with all the stranglings, you know That my family isn't the center of my universe? Are you nuts? Then there's those other days where you just wish you never got married or had kids.
One minute, you're a carefree teenager with dreams of being a rock star, or a photographer for Playboy then, bam, some babe gets her claws in you Huh? and, boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love.
So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job where they don't let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women.
And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat and kiss your dreams goodbye.
Oh, I can't believe they took Monkey Trauma Center off for this.
Lousy family.
So I'm just some babe who sank her claws into you.
- A hot babe.
- Oh! Have you always resented us, Dad? Oh, I don't resent you, sweetheart.
What I was trying to say, and maybe I didn't use the right words was that marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
- But as coffins go - Please don't say anymore.
Sorry we ruined your life, Homer.
Hmph! Oh, what have I done? - Get in.
- What? Get in.
Hey, what's this suitcase for? - Are we going on a trip? - You are.
Where are you taking me? A place where you'll never be bothered by your family again.
Oh.
Get out of the car, Homer.
You can't just leave me out here.
There's not another woman for miles.
Sorry, Dad.
Maybe now you'll appreciate us.
While you're spending the week at Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp.
The Rolling Stones' Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp.
But I thought you guys were mad at me.
For once in my life, I'm confused.
We had a family meeting and decided that even though what you said about us was incredibly thoughtless and hurtful, you had a point.
- Damn straight.
- You work a job you don't like so I'm able to be home with the kids.
And you take me places you hate like museums, plays and the Olive Garden.
And even though you knew I ratted you out to the IRS - you never busted me.
- You what? So to say thank you for all your sacrifices we spent our family vacation fund on something that's just for you.
- Do you like it? - You guys are the best.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you Ugh, oh.
I'm okay.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Hey, what gives? Where are all the rock stars? I don't know, but it's starting to get dark.
Huh, what was that? Oh, it's getting closer.
- Hello, campers.
- How you doing? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.
Welcome to Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp where you'll experience the complete rock 'n' roll lifestyle without the lawsuits and STDs.
- Whoa! STDs! - Now, you're all here for one reason - To rock! - Who said that? That's right, Otto.
We're here to rock! So get a good night's sleep.
And remember rule number one, there are no rules.
Rule number two, no outside food.
Oh, what a gyp.
Hey, Mick, you gonna teach us your cocksure strut? Not today, I got a ton of paperwork to catch up on.
Ah, tell me about it.
At my job, we Oh, you're gone.
Hey! Wake up! Are you ready to receive professional training in rock? - Have you been awake all night? - I am so excited, I couldn't fall asleep.
I even took some pills I found on the floor.
You took pills you found on the floor? Uh-huh, now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die.
Isn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all like, "I'm a rock star.
Aren't I great?" But he's just like you or me or Jesus over there.
- Can I have a guitar? - Can I have a guitar? People, if everyone's gonna pick guitar, I'm not gonna have enough.
- Oh, come on.
- There's lots of other fun instruments like bass.
Come on, who'd like to be a bass player? Out of my way, nerdlinger.
- My image.
- Get me the Strat.
Hand me the Strat.
I'm telling Mr.
Jagger.
Ooh, "I'm telling Mr.
Jagger.
" The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.
Like this, Mr.
Kravitz? God, no.
May we talk about, uh, accentuating the masculine area? Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing.
Now, I don't do it.
Kenny Loggins does.
I trusted you! I trusted you! Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames.
An ax, a gitbox Well, I guess that's it.
Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals.
Playing a burning guitar with your teeth.
All right, fire.
- Mr.
Seltzer? - Setzer.
No, I think it's Seltzer.
- What is it, Homer? - I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool.
Baby, baby, baby, baby We've gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal.
Sorry, Mick! Simpson! Okay, strut, strut, strut strut, strut, spin, and rooster.
Look, everyone, Homer's got it.
I'm so hot for me I'm so hot for me I'm so cold Okay, now schoolmarm.
I'm the burning fire I'm the bleeding volcano Everybody's naughty and freeze finish.
Ow.
No matter where you are always say it's the wildest town in the whole damn world.
When you said it in Springfield last year, you didn't mean it? Yeah, sure I did.
But only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world.
- Yes, I knew it.
I knew it.
- Springfield! Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting.
When you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt - Boring.
- Will you stop saying that? Rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up.
Girls that have legs and know how to use them.
And why I can't drive 55.
You just want mindless generic rock? Precisely.
See that drunk girl Speeding down the street? Yeah! She's worried about the state Of public schools She likes to party, she likes to rock Yeah! She prays that our schools Don't run out of chalk Getting away from the gig can be a matter of life and death.
So you gotta be in great physical shape.
Okay, follow me.
- Paparazzi to the left.
- I got them.
I'm entitled to a private life.
I'm not a role model and so forth.
Good, Homer.
Now, just past the groupies and we're home.
I love you.
Please sleep with us.
They're bloody cardboard.
We know.
You ain't never caught a rabbit And you ain't no friend of mine - Yeah! - Aah! Well, what do you think? Uh, you rock, Homer.
Really? You really think I'm better than you? That was great, Homie.
- What the hell are you doing here? - Camp is over, Homer.
- It's been a week already? - I'm glad you had fun.
- But it's time to come home.
- Your mother's right, Homer.
- Gotta get back to the real world.
- We've all gotta get home.
My lawn's not gonna mow itself.
And I've gotta put up the storm windows.
Winter's coming.
Wait.
Don't go.
I wanna keep on rocking.
Come on, guys.
A-one, a-two I'll take that.
No! It came with a pick.
Come on, Dad.
No! No! I won't go.
You can't make me! - You knew this day was coming.
- I knew nothing.
Ugh, stop kicking me, Dad.
Never.
My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream.
I was so close to being a rock star but now, there's a chance it might not happen.
I'll just have to settle for being a fat, bald, fat nothing.
Finally.
Can we go now? Now, before I lock the door, do you have to go to the bathroom? No, I'm fine.
Ugh, I'm so despondent.
Cheer up, Homer.
It's only rock 'n' roll camp.
But I like it.
Tell you what, we're doing a benefit gig before we leave.
How would you like to join us on-stage? - For serious? - For serious, Homer.
Can I have 40 guest passes? Woo-hoo! Wow, all access.
All access.
Ooh, good thing it's laminated.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Sir, you can't - All access.
Oh, sorry.
- All access.
- Ooh.
- Nice.
- You rock.
Wow, Homer.
I ain't had front row seats since my Moonie wedding.
After the show, you can come backstage for pizza and pop.
- Yes! - All right! Now, that's a winning combination.
Here you go.
Front and center.
I'm so proud of you, Homie.
It's like you're Kid Rock and I'm Pamela Anderson Lee Rock.
Ooh, gotta run.
Enjoy the show.
Okay, let's see the eyes.
Now the fire.
Thanks, mate.
- Couldn't you find a fuel-efficient Satan? - Don't you have a crotch to stuff? Evening, fellow rockers.
There you are.
Thought we were going to go on without you.
I'm ready.
Just give me a guitar.
How many solos should I do? Four.
I'll do four.
Uh, Homer, you didn't think you were gonna be playing with? My official tour jacket.
Lookit Wait.
You misspelled "guitar hero.
" Look, sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Homer.
We really just need you to tap the mikes and say: - "Test, test.
" - Can't you do it? Oh.
Okay.
So I'll, uh Okay.
- Look, there's Dad! - Woo-hoo! Yay, Homer! I'm his groupie, ha, ha.
Am I saying that right? Groupie? - Yeah! - Yeah, Homer! - You're the man, Homer! - You're the man! You rock the house! Let's go, Homer! It's go time! It's go time! Test.
Test.
Why is he performing the duties of a roadie? Am I saying that right? Roadie? Test, test.
Check, check.
- Hey, he's not rocking out at all.
- Test.
Test.
Test.
You're testing my love for you Check, check You're checking to see if I'm true Test one, test two Test three, test four You test me like the water In El Salvador - Whoa, El Salvador! - What's all this then? He's stealing the show from us.
Not on my shift.
Let's rock 'n' roll.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby Uh-oh.
No! Oh, yeah.
It's good to see the spectacle back in rock.
Did you know it was gonna turn into a riot, Dad? Oh, yeah.
When you've been in as many as I have, you can sense them coming.
- Did they ever find Tom Petty's toe? - What am I, the lost and found? There's no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight, Homer.
We acted like a bunch of angry young men.
Rock 'n' roll is supposed to be about peace and love.
I hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.
What we're trying to say, Homer, is we're sorry.
By the way, I don't suppose any of you have seen my, um? - No.
Sorry.
- Oh.
There's no need for apologies, guys.
You're rock stars.
You're supposed to be reckless and destructive and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail.
That's what I told them, Homer.
Just the same, we'd like to make it up to you.
We're doing a gig tomorrow to benefit the victims of tonight's gig.
We'd consider it an honor if you join us.
Well, you're very sweet, Mick.
But the only rocking I wanna do is in my living-room chair surrounded by the world's greatest backup group, my family.
surrounded by the world's greatest backup group, my family.
There goes the last DJ Are you sure you don't miss hanging out with your rock-star friends, Dad? No, I got something to remember them by.
- Have fun at school, kids.
- Later, Homer.
Mr.
Simpson, this zone is for school buses only.
Rock 'n' roll! Woo-hoo.
Papa says no Make up you mind 'cause I gotta go I'm gonna raise hell at the Union Hall Drive myself right over the wall Rip this joint Gonna save your soul Round and round and round we go Roll this joint Gonna get down low Start my starter Gonna stop the show And I've gotta put up the storm windows.
Winter's coming.
Everybody's naughty and freeze finish.
She likes to party, she likes to rock Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass.
I hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.
Rock 'n' roll is supposed to be about peace and love.
- Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? Simpson!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Bart vs. Lisa vs. 3rd Grade
The Simpsons s14e03 Episode Script
Bart vs. Lisa vs. 3rd Grade
The Simpsons Bart vs.
Lisa vs.
The Third Grade D'oh! Ah! Welcome back to Animal Survivor.
Okay, tribes, it's been a rough week.
Rhino, you lost the tribe's fishing equipment.
And we saw a dramatic collapse in the lion-gazelle alliance.
Oh, I hate reality shows.
A year ago, you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
I've grown.
You haven't.
And now we're back to Touch the Stove.
So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards.
Uh, yeah, it all started when - Touch the stove.
- Aah! I can't take any more of these shows.
If I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at.
Networks love reality shows because they don't have to pay writers or actors.
Stupid writers and actors, priced yourselves right out of the business.
Nice going, geniuses.
Let's get one of those satellite dishes.
Then we can stop suckling on the six-network teat.
Get back, honky cat.
Those systems are too expensive.
Marge, we can't pinch pennies on the machine that's going to be raising our children.
Come on, kids.
Daddy knows a way to get some money with no risk.
And the winner by a nose is No Risk.
Woo-hoo! Okay.
Now all we have to do is install your satellite dish.
Can you be home from 8 a.
m.
Monday morning - through June? - No problem.
Hey, Flanders, check out my new satellite dish.
Boy, that's jim-dandy roof candy.
I'd love to come over and watch that Church Channel.
- I bet you would.
- Oh, you'd win that bet.
I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view.
Or as I like to call it, "pray-per-view.
" Damn your sparkling wordplay.
And bless your humble home.
Oh, it's red wire to red wire.
What idiot dreamed that up? Cool.
It's the NBC News feed.
Mm, feed.
You get to see what they do during breaks.
We'll be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer.
- Clear.
- Oh, Lord, I'm so fat, aah.
Hey, Lis, wanna try some satellite TV? We've got Japanese Friends.
Do you like my new shirt? It says, "Reggae Hairstyle Rock 'n' Roll.
" Could I be more Japanese? You are the emperor of last year.
Your comeback shames me.
How about The Clock Channel? Coming up on The Clock Channel: 6:00.
Wait a minute, I saw this one.
I have to study for the elementary school achievement test, and so do you.
Hey, I don't have to study on the weekend.
It's Wednesday night.
Kids, kids, you're both right.
- Mm.
- Oh.
We're back with Who Wants to Marry an Internet Billionaire? Uh, no, millionaire.
Oh, well, now he's broke.
Why don't you turn off the TV and join us for dessert? I made a pie.
Put pie here.
Would you like some ice cream with that? Me not pig.
We now return to Robo Trouble.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, Robot Rumble.
Why are we fighting each other? Together we can defeat the humans and rule the Earth.
I agree.
Sucker.
Homicidal robots.
So like us.
Bart, the test is in two hours and you haven't slept in a fortnight.
- What's a fortnight? - You should know.
It's on the test.
No pressure, children.
These test results will follow you for the rest of your life and beyond the grave.
- This test is boring.
- What else is on? It's finally happened, Bart.
You've lost your mind.
Now, let's raise the roof for the bland informative rap of M.
C.
Safety and the Caution Crew.
Yo, yo, yo, y'all feeling cautious? I say a crosswalk, a cross-ity walk And don't stop crossing Till you're on the next block First you look both ways Then you walk not run Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun Break it down now Just walk, don't run Drink juice, yum-yum Watch out, Beatles.
I have one more important announcement to share with you.
Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage? Oh? Lisa, because of your outstanding score on yesterday's big test you're being immediately moved up to the third grade.
She's not so great.
She got diarrhea when we went to Carlsbad Caverns.
Okay, Bart since you like attention so much, I have a second announcement.
I was going to tell you this privately but because of your incredibly low test score we're sending you back to third grade.
Huh? What? I gotta be in the same class as her? What? I gotta be in the same class as him? Hmm? They're gonna be in the same class as each other? An old Army buddy is visiting Mannix? Class, meet our newest third graders, Lisa and Bart Simpson.
Lisa comes to us from Miss Hoover while Bart was taught by Mrs.
Krabappel.
Slut.
Hi, Bart and Lisa.
A rooster sits on a roof facing north.
It lays an egg.
Which way does it roll? Okay, the sun rises in the east so the rooster would probably wanna lay it on the cool side Roosters don't lay eggs.
They're boys.
- Very good, Bart.
- Mm-hm.
Lisa, I want you to stick close to your big brother until you catch up.
Young man, you're not in this class.
- What are you doing here? - Laughing at jerks.
Quiet nerds burp only near school.
Bart, I'm doing my geography homework.
That's how you remember the four original provinces of Canada.
"Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia.
" Quiet nerds burp only near school.
Here's how you remember their principle exports: Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel.
Stop.
I wanna learn on my own.
Canada's governors general: Clowns love haircuts, so should Lee Marvin's valet.
Get out! Here are your math tests.
Morgan, Dakota, Ashley Dakota, Tyler, Tyler, Lisa.
What's this weird mark next to my A? That's an A-minus.
Mm, minus? Nice work, Bart.
An A? Copacetic.
You did better than me? Eh, I took this test last year.
The answer key never changes.
B-C-B-C-A-A-B-B-C-C-D.
False.
False.
True.
William Jennings Bryan.
That's cheating.
Bart cheated.
Young lady, in the third grade, we don't care for tattletales.
And we don't care for moaners either.
Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher.
Pukers in back.
Kids, look what I got you for your third-grade field trip.
Matching fanny packs.
Now your fannies match.
- Hey, get away from me.
Get - Get away.
- Quit it.
- Stop it.
Let go.
Stop.
You'll crush your juice boxes.
Oh.
All right, everybody choose a buddy for the field trip.
- I'll take Kyle.
- I'll take Ashley.
Saying your buddy's name out loud is a security risk.
I'll just put you two together.
Oh.
There's a swingin' town I know Called Capital City - Punch buggy red, unh.
- Ow.
You are such an immature - Punch buggy white, unh.
- Ow.
- Stop fighting.
- He started it.
He did punch buggy first.
What's punch buggy? When you see a Volkswagen Bug, you punch somebody and yell the color.
- Punch buggy blue.
- Ow.
- Punch buggy green.
- Oh.
- Punch buggy taupe.
- Ow.
Oh, that really hurt.
Two for flinching.
Now, as we cross the street, I want you to hold hands with your buddy.
Hey, dude, who's your girlfriend? Did you see his face? Well, what happened, dude? Did your girlfriend dump you? Now, children, if you look up at the capitol dome you'll see a mural of our state bird, the pot-bellied sparrow eating our state pasta, bowtie.
Order, order, order.
The chair recognizes the esteemed representative from Capital City.
The Capital City Goofball? That's right.
To win, he spent 80 million from his own pocket.
Mr.
Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag.
This Confederate symbol is an embarrassment particularly as we are a northern state.
This lively debate has given me an idea.
Tonight, each buddy team is going to design a new state flag.
Homework on a field trip? What have you been huffing? Well, Bart's being his usual jerky self.
But, Mom, I'm really excited about this new flag design.
Oh, and the hotel gives you a free USA Today outside your room.
No, I'm sure it's free.
Okay, I won't touch it.
Well, make sure you don't.
And try not to let your brother get under your skin, honey.
Believe me, he doesn't.
His act is getting old fast.
He thinks he's really cool.
But frankly, the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties.
One last sunbeam and we're done.
"To fraternal love.
" When I get through with that flag, it's gonna be a Bart-mangled banner.
So I understand you children have some state flags for me.
- Who would like to go first? - We would, Governor Bailey.
- Team Simpson.
- I spearheaded this one.
I'll just unfurl this.
That was my worst unfurling ever.
Lisa, how could you? The governor is crying.
Oh.
You weren't on this field trip.
How did you get here? Biked.
Bart, I am so mad at you.
Ha-ha-ha.
You should've seen the look on your face.
It was like this: - Huh? - Oh, the bus.
Okay, children, before we leave - is anyone missing their buddy? - No.
Ah, the buddy system, foolproof.
Floor it, Otto.
Wait! Wait! - Ha, ha, they left without you.
- They left without you too, you idiot.
If I'm an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in the third grade? Because you've already done it once.
- You've lost me.
- Oh, forget it.
- Hey, how do we get back? - No problem.
We'll just circle around like those kids in The Blair Witch Project.
I must be getting close.
I recognize that girl.
- Oh, Bart, I think we're lost.
- I used to be lost.
Until a friend turned me onto a book.
A book that changed my life.
It's called, Lisa is Stupid.
- You die now.
- Aah? Whoa.
Hey! They're gone.
I don't know what happened.
If the buddy system can fail, I don't know what to believe in.
There, there, Audrey.
It's happened to all of us.
Willie, we have two more names for the wall.
Why is it always the kids with the long names? - Hello, Principal Skinner.
- A parent who waives the right to sue - says what? - What? - Got it.
- Hey, you can't fool us.
We're from the Learn to Fart state.
Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying.
Huh! My poor babies.
I'm so sorry.
Lisa's a very special little girl.
And we'll spare no expense in finding her.
- What about Bart? - We're looking.
But in the meantime, the class clown pro tem will take his place.
Cowabunga.
- You cold? - What do you care? - Here.
- Thanks.
Where'd you get? Oh.
Bart, you're my big brother.
You should act like it more often.
You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
- Thanks, Bart.
- And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off your Malibu Stacy dolls.
- Okay, you go.
- I don't think I've done anything else.
Okay, I'll go again.
Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"? - Yes.
- Yeah, funny story.
One day, I was really bored and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway This is where the kids were last seen.
Aah! The plastic casing from the tip of Bart's shoelace.
A mother knows.
Well, he's not gonna get very far without that.
- Bart, is that you? - No.
Say your prayers.
Oh, Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead.
Bart.
Listen, we're really sorry.
We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary.
Lost on a field trip? Heck, why didn't you say so? That's how Grandpappy wound up in these parts.
They was taking us to Capital City to see The Nutcracker.
And I wandered away from the group married a bear and I started up my family.
I told you, I ain't a bear.
Roar, roar, roar.
No one understands you, She-Bear.
- Thanks for driving us back to town.
- No problem.
We were going there anyway to pick up the new Spy magazine.
I'm sorry, they don't publish that anymore.
The world I grewed up in is gone.
Oh, my special little guys.
You're okay.
You're okay.
And, Maggie, you no longer have to live with the burden of replacing Bart and Lisa.
If this episode has taught us anything it's that nothing works better than the status quo.
- You're back to the fourth grade.
- Yay! And, Lisa, you have a choice.
You may continue to be challenged in third grade or return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a small pond.
Big fish.
Big fish.
The status quo.
The status quo? Ay caramba.
That's just sad.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Large Marge
The Simpsons s14e04 Episode Script
Large Marge
The Simpsons Large Marge D'oh! Ah! Woo-hoo! - November, 1948.
- Americans picked their president.
Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas E.
Dewey.
Dewey, Dewey, Dewey.
Dad, I'm telling you, Truman wins.
"Dewey Defeats Truman.
" Woo-hoo! I win the bet.
Who's your daddy? But the headlines are dead wrong.
Harry Truman triumphs by 2 million votes.
Not if I can stop that inauguration.
I win, Dad.
That means I get to choose today's father-daughter activity.
Let's hear it.
We're building homes for the homeless.
You know it's gonna be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself.
"Domiciles for the Destitute"? Is this that thing Jimmy Carter does? Yes.
But now that it's hip, all the ex-presidents are doing it.
There's Clinton, Bush Senior and the nice guy who finished last, Jimmy himself.
Hey! Why you - I'm sorry, George.
I didn't see you there.
- No hard feelings.
I'll slaughter you, you lamebrain.
- What are you laughing at, Clinton? - Ow.
Dad, what is that? Well, if Bart can be El Barto Oh, if only I had your courage, seÃ±or.
Ha, ha, thanks.
Dad, you're getting paint on your wedding ring.
Huh? Oh, right.
Can you hold it? This is a Band-Aid wrapped in tinfoil.
My real ring's inside a turtle.
- Are you sure we'll find husbands here? - Absolutely.
These volunteer events are crawling with the successful single men we deserve.
And how.
Let's see what we've got.
Well, he's not much to look at.
But he is a good father.
Hello.
Wedding-ring tan line.
He's new on the market.
Hmm.
- Can I help you? - Maybe.
I'm Lindsay Naegle.
I could move you into a beautiful new home.
Mine.
- Sign here, kiss me here, initial there.
- What the? You're listening to Radio Disney.
The songs you love rewritten for babies.
Who left the milk out? Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck Dad left the milk out Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck That's good satire.
It doesn't hurt anyone.
What do you think, Maggie? Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck Oh, look, there's your father? Well, I've read enough articles about flirting to know it when I see it.
And that's how my beautiful wife brought our son Bart into the world.
- Aw.
- Touching.
You knucklehead.
- A little help.
- I'll give you a little help.
Uh, Homie, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met? Sure, why not? Sometimes I worry you might think about other women.
Hey, why would I want Purina when I got Fancy Feast right here? That doesn't sound very convincing.
Aw.
It sounds like all you're looking for is a little reassurance.
Well Bart, remember when I was crying at recess? I think I'm finally ready to tell you why.
Let's see what's on TV.
I stick my neck out for no one, Frankenstein, no one.
Oh, cool, the old Batman show.
Struggling in vain.
Gather your wits, old chum.
We seem to have fallen prey to that painted Pagliacci of perfidy.
You mean, Clownface? None other.
Well, if it isn't Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder.
Sweet Valley High! Krusty played a Batman villain? Well, sure.
He was also Uncle Velderschmoink on Bewitched.
Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us? I'm just gonna take you for a spin.
Hoo, Ha, Hee, show our guests to the twirly gates.
Holy g-force, Batman.
The blood's rushing to my head.
That's right, my panicky chum.
In a few moments, you and I will literally blush ourselves to death.
Oh, my, this is taking a long time.
Oh, cool.
We should try that at school.
Hey, yeah.
You can try it on me.
Batman got out of it okay.
Faith and begorra, Batman.
How did you ever escape? Fortunately, I always carry my Carousel Reversal Spray.
Oh, what don't you have in that belt? Patience for harlequined hoodlums like yourself.
Truer words were never spoken, crusader.
Manjula, remember when Apu cheated on you? Yes, thank you.
I'm worried Homer might do the same thing.
What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now I do as your dearest friend.
Look at this flab.
Look at it.
Oh, my God.
Is that me? Oh, my God.
Is that me? Most assuredly, yes.
Faced with a problem like this, I wonder, what would Oprah do? I need to fit into this in time for a funeral.
Thank you.
Uh, I need some liposuction.
Just enough to make me attractive to this man.
One 10-minute suck and tuck.
Doctor, before we begin, I have a couple questions.
Time is money.
Ask the mask.
What if I just do aerobics, hmm? Hmm, that's funny.
Hmm.
I don't feel sucked out.
Doctor, my assistant is as flat as ever.
Where are the new knockers the taxpayers paid for? Hmm, you're right.
That's like flatsville.
Then where did I put those implants? What on earth have you done? My maguppies became bazongas.
Great Ceausescu's ghost! Are those real? Oh.
Oh, right.
Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding.
My surgery was botched.
"Botched.
" What is that, the word of the day? You had no right to make my bosom this ample.
Look, just come back in 48 hours, I can remove the implants.
Oh, I'll come back all right.
And I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you.
Yes, your husband.
I'm sure he's going to be furious.
I'm a little worried about the spinning, Bart.
If you're uncomfortable with this in any way - Do it, Otto.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
- You're the boss, kid.
My change purse! Hi, Milhouse.
Skinner, I was a little wary of bringing these veterans of Iwo Jima to tour your school - but I see my fears were unfounded.
- Thank you, sir.
And what more fitting finale than to gaze reverently at Old Glory? Come on, boys.
You know the drill.
My God! This youngster befouled the flag! Wait, this just doesn't add up.
Milhouse has never been anything but a comic foil.
Hey, what's going on here? Something crazy? There's your queen bee.
Explain yourself, Simpson.
Uh, I saw Krusty do it on TV.
Then Krusty will feel my wrath.
The spritz has hit the fan.
You won't hurt Krusty, will you? He's all we got.
- Shut your puke hole, punk.
- Sir.
Yes, sir.
Oh, sweetie.
Hmm.
Oh! Don't worry, Maggie, I'll have these silly things out in just two days.
Till then I'll just try to hide them from the family.
Making it the latest Segway scooter accident to claim over 1000 lives.
Not feeling well.
Going to bed.
Dinner and breakfast are on the table.
Did you label the meals so I could tell which is which? Yes.
Locally, two school children offended veterans, educators and flag hags while imitating a stunt they learned watching TV's Krusty the Clown.
Besieged by angry protestors Krusty responded as follows: - Would you people get a life? - Not an option.
- Stop corrupting our children.
- No.
Bart, this is all your fault.
Don't worry.
Krusty always lands on his feet.
Help! I got Aah! Well, someone's tucked in to an insane degree.
Good night.
Hey, give me some of those blankets.
- Unh! - What's this? It's enormous.
- Oh, my God.
There's another one.
- Homer, let me explain something.
- Explain later.
- Homie.
Ooh, ooh, Homie.
- Hey, what happened? - I fell off.
Now, don't get too used to these.
That awful doctor said he'd take them out in a couple of days.
Yeah, he truly is a monster.
Hey, let's go out to dinner tomorrow.
Just you, me, the kids, and the twins.
What do you say? Hmm.
Hmm? Hmm, they do make my neck look thinner.
Oh, all right.
Let's do it.
Mom, Lisa pushed me in the laundry basket.
Whatever Bart is saying is a lie.
Mom, what happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
Well, that cinches it.
Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
I saw them earlier, I was working on it in the hall.
I'm sorry, we are totally full.
Boy, oh, Boyardee.
Ha, ha.
I bazoom you want a table.
Right this way.
Wow, Mom, your guns got us a great table.
Right by the lobster tank.
For you, pretty lady, I make the fresh pasta instead of the crap from a can I give to everybody else.
It's as cold as my love for you.
And, Marge, if your mouth get tired, Angelo here will chew for you.
Yes.
I like to chew.
Thank you, fellas.
Mom, doesn't it bother you that they're giving you attention just because of those? That's not true, Lisa.
There are a lot of complicated issues here that can only be explained through song.
You took a 20-carat diamond And made it gleam Like a big spaghetti dinner Smothered in whipped cream You're like X-Men Number 3 In a Mylar bag You're a brand new muscle car And all the wheels are mag You make me feel as young As the blood I get from sheep You're like Jacqueline Bisset In me favorite film, The Deep You're sexy and exotic Like a hooker from Belize Or a patient with insurance Who's crawling with disease - You're a sundae - Underneath two great big cherries Keep in mind they're only temporaries - Still we'd like to say - That we are very, very Glad to see you And I decree you The hottest thing to hit this city Since the fire that killed 11 Dangerous criminals Hooray! And they're all mine Hmm.
Homer, how come you never sang a song like that to me before? Uh, I was getting around to it.
Kiekie Highsmith, Highsmith Modeling.
Honey, I like your look.
Forget it, Kiekie.
You're not putting your brain into her body.
That's not why I'm here.
I can offer your wife a lot of modeling work.
Trade shows to start.
Then, who knows? No dice.
Take your fun and adventure outside.
- Now, wait, Homer.
- For what? Confirmation of my attitude? Homie, I could use a little more excitement in my life.
Hmm, maybe I'll just keep these.
That's great, Mom, but don't forget: I got Krusty in hot water Now I've got to help him out - Shut up, boy.
- Oh.
I don't get a song? Mom got a song.
With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.
Oh.
And now, one of Ov Mitt Con's Faces to Watch 2003: Rookie spokesmodel, Marge Simpson.
This sure beats slaving over a hot stove.
Whoa! Whoa! Gentlemen, say hello to Springfield's newest supermodel.
You're a lucky man, Homer.
Yeah.
This is the longest I've ever gone without looking at Lenny.
Don't make a fuss over me, boys.
Just pour me a beer in a clean glass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you said no fuss.
Uh, I wouldn't eat them peanuts, they're, uh, spit-backs.
So, Krusty, are you ready to shoot this apple off my head? Well, if by "shoot" you mean "teach" and by "my head" you mean "safety," then, yes.
Oh, man.
Now they won't let Krusty do anything fun.
Teletubbies get away with more than this.
I've learned my lesson, Krusty.
Never again shall I look directly at an eclipse.
This sucks! Bring out Mr.
Teeny! I can't.
They made me release him into the wild.
We got Krusty into this, we'll get him out.
We have to make him a hero again.
Maybe if we cut his foot off, people will feel sorry for him.
It didn't help your dad get your mom back.
Hi, Mrs.
Simpson.
My mom said I'm not to look at you.
- What's with the belt, Mom? - It's for my back spasms.
If guys didn't keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight.
You liked all the attention you were getting.
I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people.
- Hey, Krusty.
- How'd you get in here? - The doorman died.
- Oh, no.
He was my agent.
I have a plan that will make the world fall in love with Krusty again.
It's too late.
I've given up.
The Krusty I know didn't get where he is by giving up.
No, I got where I am by naming names in the '50s.
Okay, what's your plan? Simple.
We just have to cause a riot at the Springfield Shoe Expo.
I like.
I like.
Oh, this is my Woodstock.
I have been paid millions to endorse these butt-ugly shoes.
My forthrightness is my undoing.
Kiekie, I'm tired of tradeshow modeling.
My back really hurts.
You seem unhappy.
So I'm going to inject this smile solution into your jaw.
Did you just drug me? What the? - Technically, it's a toxin.
- Hmm.
Okay, here's the drill.
A rogue elephant, played by my old friend Stampy is about to crush sweet young Milhouse.
Then you run up and save the day by saying Stampy's safety word, "magumbo.
" Whoa, he's a big as Brando, but he takes direction.
Eighty-nine percent of Americans would rather have a shoehorn than a computer.
I'd like to 89 you.
I've heard about you vendors.
Hey, lady.
I like the way your body looks.
- Stop objectifying my mom.
- I will in a second.
Ooh! Hey, baby! You're an object! Ha-ha-ha! Help! Help! Who will save this promising young honors student? Hey, hey, hey.
I'll save the day.
- Hey, it's that clown who hates children.
- And flags.
I say we judge him by what he does next.
Yeehaw! Hey, elephant, I got one word for you: Columbo! No, that's not it.
Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo? Oh.
Whoa! Oh, if he bites, I'm sunk.
If he swallows, I'm good.
- Dad, look.
- I'm on it.
Be careful, uh Uh-oh.
All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face.
- You mean the trunk? - Easy there, college boy.
Wait! Wait! My son, my husband, and the Van Houten boy are in there.
Sorry, ma'am.
We don't negotiate with elephants.
- Ready - Mom, do something.
- aim - I've gotta stop them from shooting.
I don't Lisa, don't hate me for this.
Continue aiming.
Still aiming.
Hey, cops.
Check out this all-points bulletin.
Whoa, look at those magumbos.
Hey, that's it.
Magumbo! I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Oh.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, you saved Krusty's reputation.
You learned a woman doesn't need a 48-inch chest to be beautiful.
That's how I felt all along.
Lisa learned a lesson.
Lisa learned a lesson.
Kids, I'd like to re-introduce you to classic Marge.
I finally feel like me again.
- You're not disappointed are you? - Not at all, sweetie.
At least one of us should be able to put their arms around the other one.
Anyway, you're the only man I want ogling me.
Oh, we're gonna do a little more than just ogling.
Oh, Homie.
Let's go get fried chicken.
Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Helter Shelter
The Simpsons s14e05 Episode Script
Helter Shelter
The Simpsons Helter Shelter D'oh! Ah! Oh, this doesn't look good, sir.
This man could sue us.
Yes.
If he's smart, he'll hold out for millions.
Whoo-hoo! I got skybox tickets.
And with only 20 percent loss of my brain function.
Life is Can't beat a skybox.
All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box.
Oh, this is gonna be the coolest basketball game ever.
Actually, it says here we're gonna see hockey.
No! - Would you care for some cologne? - You have anything - with ground-up whale in it? - But of course.
Hey, don't we regular fans get anything? Hey, do we tip these guys, or what? Wow, it's so fancy.
It's like Moby's house on Cribs.
Paint your portrait, sir? Can you paint me knocking out Larry Holmes? Certainly.
Don't hit my face.
- Okay, where do you want it? - I don't know.
Work the stomach.
Mm.
That takes me back.
Check out those non-skybox losers watching hockey without sushi.
If you can call that hockey.
Hey, Homer's looking down his nose at us.
Let's take Mr.
Figgy Pudding down a peg.
Otto, what are you waiting for? Get your ass on my neck.
I'm getting close.
I smell vinaigrette.
Heads up, Dad.
Here comes the scum.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Why can't they just be happy for my success? - Hot fudge! - Arr, it burns! Oh, great.
And I just got all that gum out of my armpits.
All right.
A people tooth.
Gummy Sue, this is your lucky day.
There.
Now I is like Britney Spears.
Yeah! This is a joke.
- It's a hockey game.
- Whatever.
Hey, Kozlov! Aim for the five hole.
He's got an opening the size of Red Square.
Thank you, mouthy American child.
Please to take my hockey tree.
Hmm.
Come on, Lisa.
It's time to go.
But the game's not even over.
They've already told the skybox fans who's gonna win.
Huh? Yeah! Go, Ice-O-Topes! This sucks.
How come Lisa gets something and I don't? Because she took the trouble to wander away and talk to a stranger.
Your sister getting something nice doesn't hurt you in any way.
Hmm.
Better add some more nails.
Perfect.
Well, cock-a-diddily-doo.
What a Marge-alicious way to start my Flander-rific day.
Wha? Hey, Ma, our crap shack's going to hell.
Bart, watch your potty mouth.
Hey! Get out! I'm in here! Oh.
I think we might have termites.
These are no ordinary termites.
What you've got here are Russian No-wood-niks.
Can you save our house? Okay.
But in order to kill these bugs, I've got to live like a bug think like a bug, become a bug.
Ugh.
Why do you always hire the cheapest guy? I go by how funny the sign is.
Sweet.
A circus.
Let's sneak in.
That's using your noodle.
So when can we go back in our house? Not for a while, I'm afraid.
I had to use the good poison.
It comes with James Coburn's picture on the bottle.
This place won't be inhabitable for another six months.
- But where will we live? - Don't worry.
We'll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans.
The time will just fly by.
Uh, that was boring.
Let's get a hotel.
Don't you have any rooms? We can't live in our house for six months.
Sorry, folks.
Every hotel room in town is booked.
Stupid bran producers convention.
I'm just gonna say it.
We haven't had a good idea since Raisin Bran.
- What? - Heresy.
- Let him speak! - No! He's crazy! Why don't we stay at a youth hostel? I do not want another lecture from a German backpacker about how we don't appreciate the National Park System.
I know.
We'll stay with my very best friend in the world.
Lenny.
Hey, Simpsons.
That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one.
Wow, Lenny.
Your apartment is stunning.
Your apartment is stunning.
So how do you afford such a sweet pad? - What the hell was that? - Oh, I share a common wall with a jai alai court.
Ha-ha-ha.
That's the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton.
I find it soothing.
- Thanks for letting us stay with you.
- Oh, it is such an honor to host our favorite family.
And you came at an exciting time.
I'm chairing a meeting of the Galactic U.
N.
My apologies.
The paint is still wet on Ambassador Farfoon.
We are not staying at Moe's.
Maggie's already drunk on the fumes.
And she's a mean drunk.
Come on, guys.
You gotta stay.
Tonight's the big cockfight.
We can eat the loser.
Pfft.
Who wants to eat a loser? Dad, we have to find a place soon.
I really have to go to the bathroom, and I'm out of tokens.
I heard of a new reality show where they let you live in a home for free.
Oh, yeah.
The gimmick is it's a house from 1895.
You gotta do everything like they did back then.
We'd be too late to save Lincoln and too early to save Kennedy.
- You could save McKinley.
- It's not a time machine, Moe.
Marge, I'm still not sure about this.
Hey, if TV can give Mike O'Malley a home it can give us one.
Welcome to the Reality Channel.
I'm Mitch Hartwell, creator of The 1895 Challenge.
And by creator, I mean I saw it on Dutch television and tweaked the title.
This family looks pretty interesting.
But isn't the dad Bill Cosby? You see, I gotta get back on the TV because with The Osbournes and the soft-core porns and the dogs pooping and nobody scooping and the: We need a family that hasn't been on TV forever.
Let's try the Simpsons.
I like what I'm seeing in there.
Argh! I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath! They go to pieces over nothing.
They're perfect for reality TV.
Where's that kid with my latte? He's not coming, is he? Is he? Welcome to your home for the next six months.
Oh, man.
I can't wear this.
I look like Buster Brown.
Whoever that is.
Oh, you look adorable, Lisa.
Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit.
God, I wish I had that little outfit.
Yeah.
Those golden curls are to die for.
Wow, they had an Army helmet under every bed? Uh, Mr.
Simpson, that's a chamber pot.
You're supposed to go to the bathroom in it.
Befoul an Army helmet? You'd like that, wouldn't you, hippie? Behind this door, you'll find the one piece of 21st century technology in the whole house.
Ooh, please be a melon baller.
Please be a melon baller.
This is your video confessional.
You come in here to express your deepest feelings and darkest secrets.
Uh, ha, ha.
My hair isn't really blue.
I need that tape! Good morning, ladies.
What's so good about it? It takes six hours to make breakfast now.
You should see how much trouble Dad's having shaving with a straight razor.
Finally.
I'm no longer a slave to the Gillette corporation.
Why, it says here that President Cleveland has Okay, more coal.
Less coal.
Less, less.
More.
Less, less, less.
And none.
Perfect.
By orders of The Reality Channel I must make sure that you only buy items available in 1895.
Oreos? Sorry, these are from 1896.
Non-scarring toilet paper.
Ha.
Dream on.
Urkel-O's.
Delicious but forbidden.
I'll just take these tampons.
I don't believe they had those in 1895.
- Yes, they did.
Look closer.
- Ooh! Twenty-three skidoo.
You know, it's 6:15.
The kids are in bed and Maggie's in her cage.
Maybe I could wuther your heights? Well, okay.
Blow out that lamp and I'll take off my Victorian undergarments.
- All right, let me get that.
- Remember, if you just Just That comes off.
That's No.
Up.
- All right.
- Let's see what we've got here.
Almost done.
This has been the worst week of my life.
I miss my toys, my video games.
"Mutt and Jeff" comics are not funny.
They're gay, I get it.
You've been in there over an hour! Other people have to confess too, you know.
Oh, I can't hold it in.
I hate this house! Ugh.
Bread tastes like clothes.
I'm so cold.
All of you stink so much.
This is great television.
Yeah.
I can't wait to see which one of them dies first.
Look, we can't give up.
We're on TV.
And when you're on TV you dig in your claws and you never let go.
Just like Bill Moyers.
Telegram for Haywood U.
Cuddlemee.
Haywood U.
Cuddlemee? Big guy in the back, Haywood U.
Cuddlemee? Hey Oh.
Ooh, that little Ooh.
I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific.
Stop.
Aw.
Bart, honey, would you like - some more cod liver oil? - Yes, Mom.
I thought I was regular before, but I was wrong.
With all this hard work, I'm too tired to worry about the world.
And soon, I will marry one of father's wealthy business associates.
Oh, I wish you would reconsider the proposal of Hiram Beatwife.
He's betrothed to Martha Takeapunch.
This is boring.
Yeah.
Switch it to the Elderly Animal Channel.
The show's getting boring.
We're losing viewers.
I have an idea.
It's crazy, but it just might work.
Like it did last week on another show.
We bring in the biggest, most famous star from a '70s sitcom whose phone hasn't been disconnected.
- Hello.
- Squiggy? Why is the guy from Laverne & Shirley living in our house? Because nobody's watching you clowns.
If you was to ask me, you're all too calm and happy.
The essence of drama is conflict.
That's why they gave me this Taser.
This still isn't working.
Fixing this show is gonna take some original thinking.
Everybody, pull out your TVs and start flipping around.
I think I've got an idea.
Turn to channel 24.
Hmm.
Hello, Laverne.
Hello, Laverne.
Hello, Laverne.
Marge, I'm off to the blacksmith's to get my tooth pulled.
Oh.
Lisa.
Explain.
The network made our show more exciting by dumping the house in a river.
Marge, throw me an old-timey rope in an old-timey way! This rope was woven from handlebar moustaches.
You monsters.
You turned this show into a Survivor clone.
Mr.
Simpson, your contract allows us to do anything we want to you.
I would never sign that.
Unless there was a red sticker that said sign here.
Uh-huh.
That's what we used.
Where do you get those things, anyway? Oh, no.
Everything is ruined.
Our good bellows, our stereopticon.
Squiggy.
Homer, your strop.
Your strop.
Our lives are ruined.
Oh, yeah.
This is great stuff.
Let's take lunch, people.
- Do we get lunch? - We're not allowed to interfere with the reality of the show.
Which reminds me, burn the leftovers.
Leave nothing.
I can't remember the last time I cried like this.
When you put your T-shirt on backwards? Oh, yes.
The tag chafed my throat.
Let's go eat some bugs.
Is it just me or are you guys getting sick of crazy adventures? Psst.
Psst.
Savages.
I'll handle this, Marge.
We come in peace.
- We take your land.
- We're not savages.
- I'm a paralegal from Cleveland.
- And I'm a nutritionist from Santa Fe.
We were a tribe on another reality show, but we lost the final challenge.
I just couldn't eat anymore kangaroo testicles.
So the show just abandoned us here.
The weird part is, now I can't get enough of them.
But now we're going to escape.
We're gonna overpower your crew and return to civilization.
Wow.
Marge, I think I figured out their primitive language.
That's my Homie.
Is it so gosh-darn hard to get cocktail sauce in the middle of the Amazon? Now we know what it feels like to be tormented.
And yet I learn nothing.
And now to wreck their precious helicopter! No, Homer, no! That's our only way home.
Yes, but Okay.
Whoa.
That Lenny sure had a crazy apartment.
Oh, it sure is good to be home.
No more reality shows for us.
Let's watch some quality, scripted television.
Law & Order Elevator Inspectors Unit.
Here's the thing, inspector.
The button for five doesn't light up.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, that's it.
TV was the one good thing in my life and now I can't enjoy it anymore.
Hmm.
I guess we'll have to find a new way to entertain ourselves.
What about books? Yeah.
If we read books, we could form a club.
If we formed a club, we could serve drinks.
Hey, Dad.
Why don't we watch you drink from a hose? Good idea, Lisa.
Hmm.
The water's off.
I'll use my eye to see what the trouble is.
Hmm.
Off again.
Maybe I can hear what's going on.
So this has become a game of wits, has it? Perhaps my other eye will get to the bottom of this.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  The Great Louse Detective
The Simpsons s14e06 Episode Script
The Great Louse Detective
The Simpsons The Great Louse Detective D'oh! Ah! Three minutes, 40 seconds a new personal best.
Maggie? No one will ever know.
- Mail call.
- Anything good? The "George Foreman Mail Sorter" will let us know.
Mm.
"Your family is invited to a free weekend at Stagnant Springs Spa.
" Oh, that place is famous.
It's where J-Lo hit P.
Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.
Our attendants can take and stick it in your boobs.
And this place isn't just for gals anymore.
It's also for vain, effeminate men.
Kent Brockman? Well, if you find this shocking, look at Tom Brokaw.
Truly, that was the greatest regeneration.
This place blows.
I'm gonna go float a Baby Ruth down a mineral bath.
Don't worry, kids.
We've got something just for you.
Do you like Dr.
Seuss? - No.
- Then you'll love Dr.
Mas-Seuss.
Bad posture has floobled and snozzled your neck.
I'll stop talking like this if you write me a check.
Ooh! These turtles know just where the knots are.
It just shows you God has a plan for every creature.
Yes, yes indeed.
Ooh, ahh, oh! Help! Please! Someone throw me a stick! Don't struggle.
You'll only sink faster.
Roll your eyes back into your head, focusing on your breathing.
You should feel a pleasant tingling.
Oh, I do! I do! Now, get down on all fours with your rear in the air.
What position is this? The American taxpayer! The American taxpayer.
Hmm.
Oh, my God.
A naked celebrity.
Be cool.
The whole world already saw it in Nudist Camp Commandant.
"I wore nothing!" "Do not use steam room if you are overweight or have a heart condition.
" Wait a minute.
I'm not wearing a shirt.
Who ordered the steamed gentile? Mm, steamed gentile.
Don't worry.
Us pigs will catch this killer.
Now, Mr.
Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about? Triple? No.
Definitely no.
You have to do something to protect my husband.
Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Uh, second word, chief.
Thanks, Princeton Pete.
Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer.
And I know just where to find him.
- Paris? - No.
No, not Paris.
I'm never gonna go to Paris.
These are our most dangerous criminals.
Each one crazier than the last.
Uh, come to think of it he should be there and this guy, he should be over there.
Wait.
You're saying he's crazier than I am? That's exactly what I'm saying, Decapitating Harry.
Now move it.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
- It beats Disney's California Adventure.
- Mm-hm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, that's true.
Which one of these psychos is gonna help me catch my killer? He's right in here.
- Access denied.
- Oh, fine.
I gotta use a fork.
Hello, Bart.
Aah! Sideshow Bob! Oh, come now.
We've been through so much together.
Just call me Bob.
Aah! Bob! All right, Bob, if you help us catch the guy trying to kill Homer we'll make it worth your while.
- What could you offer me? - Your pick of roles in the prison musical.
This year, I think it's Man of La Mancha.
Yeah.
Don Quixote, Sancho Panza Dr.
Carrasco, you know, they're all great parts.
Ugh, what a great show.
I wish it was today.
- So, what do you say, Bob? - Fair enough.
Now, I will need round-the-clock access to all the Simpsons especially Bart.
Then you might as well stay with us.
We serve the same meat the prisons do.
Wait, wait, wait.
Bob can't stay with us.
This man has tried to kill me so much, it's not funny.
Don't worry, son.
We have ways of making him compliant.
Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own.
You'll understand someday when you have kids.
Now, if he even looks at you funny this shock garter will set him straight.
And don't try taking it off because it's taped to your leg hair.
- And that really hurts.
- Oh, come now.
As gentlemen, surely we can just agree to Dear God! - Sorry.
- Fair enough.
But now that we know what it can do, there's no need to Mother! Wow.
You don't even have to point it at him.
Homer, think carefully.
Of all the people you have known, who might have reason to do you ill? Hmm.
Well, there's Mr.
Burns Fat Tony, the Emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush.
- The late Frank Grimes.
- PBS, Stephen Hawking - the fat little Dixie Chick.
- And the state of Florida.
How can one man have so many enemies? - I'm a people person.
Who drinks.
- Ah.
Homer, in order to identify your assailant I must follow you through the course of a normal day.
Just do what you usually do - and the killer will reveal himself.
- Gotcha.
- This is a normal day? - I just wanted to impress you.
Welcome to your Springfield Mardi Gras headquarters.
Cast your vote now for this year's king.
Mardi Gras, eh? Didn't last year's king have to abdicate because he married a commoner? And I'd do it again.
But I do miss the Royal Crown Cola.
Ah, yes, the Kwik-E-Mart.
I haven't been here since I robbed it dressed as Krusty.
- My one successful crime.
- You were quite the gentleman.
Today's robbers, they are all smash-and-grab.
You understood the dance.
Our time is passing, old friend.
Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs and Ammo.
Well, we've settled that argument.
You can't read a magazine and drive.
Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts.
But your car was built in Croatia.
It's made from old Soviet tanks.
Just fix it, Mr.
Sasswrench.
Homer, please.
The last thing you need is more enemies.
Right, right.
I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray.
There's two.
The trap is set.
The killer will think this dummy is you out for an evening stroll.
Now we lie in wait like hungry Cassius for noble Caesar.
You're so smart.
Shock him.
Odds Bodkins! Oh, someone's coming.
Now who's the sociopath, huh? Moe.
He's got a dark side I've never dreamed of.
Well, mystery solved.
Wait a moment.
He's hurt.
Go, go, go.
These are Homer's friends and family.
They don't want him dead.
They just want him to suffer.
Thank you, Lord.
Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer.
Ha-ha-ha.
- None of this seems odd to you? - Meh.
- None of this seems odd to you? - Meh.
Say, Bob, how come you were never able to kill Bart? Yeah.
A kid should be real simple to kill.
I'd come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick.
Guys, Bob is my only hope.
Back off and give him room to think.
Homer, if I could write haikus while skinheads beat me with soap I can concentrate anywhere.
- Oh, my God.
He's getting closer.
- Ugh.
My poor jar.
Oh, why didn't I take more photos? Memories Like the corners of my mind Here's an interesting clue.
Homer's assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation.
This could be the breakthrough we Ha, ha.
I thought I could get it while it was in the recharger.
I was wrong.
I don't know how we ever had fun without him.
We now return to That '30s Show.
Hey, Pop, where's the crank on this Victrola? Why, it's the latest model.
From now on, the only crank in this house is your Aunt Gladys.
For your information, I'm cranky because I've got polio.
- Aww.
- Oh! Tom Shales gave this show a good review and I'm the one in prison.
Bob, I know you're enjoying fall preview week but I was wondering if you made progress towards finding Homer's killer? No, I haven't.
Go ahead, shock me.
Well, just a little one.
Homer, it's stuck.
Listen, Homer, I don't know who your killer is.
But I do know he'll strike again.
Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight.
Very well.
I am gone.
Aah! Don't look at me.
- Homer Simpson? - Right here.
You've been elected king of Mardi Gras.
Whoo-hoo! Good things do happen to bad people.
Honey, the king of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day.
You'll be a sitting duck.
Marge, you're embarrassing me in front of the drag queen.
Ha, ha.
It's Mardi Gras time in Springfield.
This year's king is none other than local hothead Homer Simpson.
Long live the king.
In a related story, Homer Simpson may not have long to live.
Homer, it's a trap.
You only won because somebody stuffed the ballot box with these.
- Nonetheless, the people have spoken.
- But I'm afraid you'll get hurt.
This is a way to flush this killer out once and for all.
And get drunk on a Tuesday.
Today's Tuesday.
And you've had six beers.
But I'm not drunk.
Yeah.
The killer is out there.
I would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it.
Now, Bob, I know you're concerned.
But don't worry.
I have operatives working the crowd.
So, uh, you're from Tempe? I'm from Chicago.
Whoa, I'm so drunk I'm gonna puke.
You ever get that feeling, beautiful? America loves its kings, from George III to Larry.
Phew.
Just Italians.
His float's already moving.
I didn't even hear the engine start.
Yeah, it's really running quiet.
Some mechanic tuned it up before the parade.
A mechanic? My God.
That's it.
Homer, you must get off that float.
The brake line has been cut.
Oh, my God.
Attention, drunken idiots.
This is your king.
Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down.
- Oh, that's heavy.
- Aah! Hey, how about some beads? - They're not for dudes.
- That's cool.
Dad's heading straight for the Museum of Swordfish.
That museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened.
Must save buffoon.
Huh? Ha, ha.
I did it.
Wha? You saved my life.
I saved a life.
And it feels wonderful.
And yet, I could just as easily drop you to your death.
Don't be so sure.
I got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight.
Everything going dark.
Like Duff Stout, the beer that made Ireland famous.
I love you, Doris.
I Ooh Ooh.
We're up so high.
Where could that shot have come from? - There's your killer.
- Well, duh.
Your king needs these stilts.
- Jesus is our only king.
- Not anymore.
There he is.
Hey, I know you.
You're my mechanic, Junior.
Frank Grimes, Jr.
Frank Grimes Don't you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane.
Frank Grimes What's this? "Extremely High Voltage.
" Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp Oh, yeah.
How is old Grimey? He's dead.
Like you should be.
Whoa! Wait, Frank Grimes wasn't married.
- How could he have a son? - He happened to like hookers, okay? Dad, I figured it out! - The murderer is - We know, Frank Grimes, Jr.
Huh? Precisely.
Take him away, boys.
That's nice work, Bob.
Now give him the rhino tranqs.
If I can tranq out just one freak on stilts - I know I've done my job.
- You're living the dream, chief.
Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.
Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children.
Good night, son Hello, Bart.
Looking for this? Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny and kill you without delay.
One thrust and the deed is done.
I I can't do it.
Why not? Well, I guess I've, dear God grown accustomed to your face.
I've grown accustomed to his face And dreams of gouging out his eyes I've grown accustomed to my hate My plans to lacerate To disembowel To hear him howl The very reason thatl live Is plotting how to watch him die Bart, turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep.
I know this chubby scalawag Has made my life a living hell Surely if I drank his blood I'd be at peace But well You've grown accustomed to my face - This isn't a duet.
- Sorry.
I've grown accustomed to your fear Accustomed to revenge Accustomed to Your face We shall meet again, old friend.
But now I must steal away into the night.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Special Edna (a.k.a. Love And Marking)
The Simpsons s14e07 Episode Script
Special Edna (a.k.a. Love And Marking)
The Simpsons Special Edna D'oh! Ah! The topic for your research paper will be World War I.
- Was that the war with Hitler or Merlin? - Oh, you idiot.
Merlin was in Vietnam.
Instead of writing a report, can I do a dance? - Sorry.
- May I type my report? It'll be easier on teacher's eyes.
Yes.
In fact, why doesn't everyone type their paper? Great idea, Martin.
Can the paper be 10 pages minimum? Well, I was gonna say five, but okay.
Thanks again, Martin.
Martin? He's gone now.
But you gotta admire his spirit.
All right, Seymour.
I'm ready for our romantic apple picking trip.
Yes.
About that.
Mother's neck wattle got caught in a zipper.
I've, uh, got a long night of boo-boo kissing ahead of me.
But don't worry, I got you these store-bought apples instead.
The apples weren't the point.
Then why were we going apple picking? Okay.
Time to start this paper.
World War I.
W-W-one.
Uh, that's a good start.
Time to watch wrestling.
I can't believe it.
Uncle Slam has defeated Osama bin Rotten, wow.
Here comes Secretary of Hate, Colin Kapow! He's dropping sanctions.
- Unh! - By which I mean anvils.
Okay, gotta focus, gotta focus.
Gotta look at that bird.
Gotta focus.
Damn it! Why did I pay for a hundred Xeroxes when I only wanted one? Well, I guess someone else will use the other 99.
Oh.
Prank or study? Prank or study? What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign.
Now, if everyone would open your prayer books The burning is love.
"Russia, Great Britain and France had formed an entente cordiale" Ooh, Algebra.
I'll just do a few equations.
No.
No more distractions.
Hey, Bart, wanna go for a ride in my uncle's Black Hawk helicopter? But I just started my paper.
It's your last chance.
He's probably gonna get court-martialed for this.
Black Hawk up.
Attention, teenage boys.
Take your hands off my daughter.
Now, kiss each other.
Grampa, quick.
Tell me everything you know about World War I.
World War I? I fought in that.
Of course, to enlist, I had to lie about my age.
Wanna see my picture I drew? Lieutenant Simpson, you've been up for hours.
Take a nap.
You're no good to us cranky.
But I'm not tired.
Oh, this is great stuff.
I can pad it out to 10 pages.
- Good night, Grampa.
- But I'm not tired.
Good night, sleepyhead.
- Do you have to poop? - Always.
"F"? There must be some mistake.
It's as long as you asked for.
Counting six pages of ads.
You're gonna have to redo your paper.
Well, if I may dust off an old chestnut: Ay caramba.
Ay caramba indeed.
"And so on November 11th, 1918, the guns fell silent and peace returned.
The end.
" Very good, Bart.
Oh, I must have the wrong classroom.
I was looking for my girlfriend, not Pam Dawber.
Are you ready for a little after-school special? Eyes front, Simpson.
Hello? Mother? I'll be right there.
Now she wants to get out of the tub.
You've got to stop putting your mother ahead of me.
We have a date.
I'll be back in three hours.
Maybe less.
But almost certainly more.
He's a wiener, Mrs.
K.
Just say the word and his desk is full of boogers.
That's sweet of you.
But if I lost Seymour, who else is there? I believe in miracles Where you from You sexy thing? Sexy thing, you I believe Okay.
There's a lot of low cards in that hand.
Since we're both free, why don't you and me hit the town? A pity date from a 10 year old? I'll take it.
From the widest gully to the deepest trench holes define who we are and where we are going.
And although Rover here may not know it he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself.
He is giving birth to a hole.
Or consider the dolphin, nature's most filmed creature.
Even they have holes.
Blowholes.
Thanks for going out with me tonight.
It really took my mind off stupid jerks and their mothers.
And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile? I can't believe you went to the movies with the teacher.
What happened to the Bart Simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew? I only hung out with Krabappel because Skinner blew her off.
I've never seen her so sad.
You know what made me feel better about myself? That award I got for World's Greatest Dad.
Dad, you bought that because it was full of gummy worms.
And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish.
Which I did.
Mm, trophy.
Hey, Bart, you could nominate Mrs.
Krabappel for an actual award the Teacher of the Year.
Then she'll feel appreciated.
They have an award for teaching? Hey, they have Latin Grammys.
It is so hard to choose nominees from all these qualified candidates.
This is the most difficult one-day-a-year job in the world.
Put in the next tape.
I use humor to reach my students.
Dead Poets Society has destroyed a generation of educators.
And so President Kennedy says to Khrushchev: "Well, enough jawing.
Reach for it, pilgrim.
" And the missiles are like, "Oh, praise Jesus! Can I hear an amen?" Hey, Macarena - Next.
- I'd like to nominate my teacher Mrs.
Krabappel.
She may not be glamorous or entertaining she's just a real teacher who comes in every day no matter what.
And she never gave up on me, Bart Simpson.
- The Bart Simpson? - I thought he was an urban legend.
If she's danced with the devil in the blue shorts and lived we have ourselves a nominee.
Mm-hm.
Oh, Lord, it's only Wednesday.
I hope one of those little hoods puts a tack on my chair just so I can feel something.
- What's going on? - Edna Krabappel you've been nominated for Teacher of the Year.
Oh, my God.
Ha, ha, you're a-crying.
Nelson Muntz, you've been nominated for Bully of the Year.
Thank you so much.
- Wedgie.
- Unh! How does it feel to be nominated for Teacher of the Year? I can't believe it.
This after I accidentally showed the R-rated Romeo and Juliet.
I thought that nipple would haunt me forever.
Oh, oh.
Reporter Cletus, Outhouse Times-Picayune.
Is there any persons, critters or spells to which you attribute this accolade? There's one person I'd like to thank for this.
Mm-hm.
We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him.
Bart Simpson.
Way to go, Bart.
I can't express how I feel in words, so I drew this picture.
These stink lines stand for dedication, caring and for letting me drink coffee in class.
- Way to go, Edna.
- Yes, yes.
- Way to go! - Oh, oh.
Follow-up query.
Mrs.
K, if you win this here learning derby will you forget your kith and kin and leave us all forever? Leave us forever? I'd better pee on this fire.
As principal, I'd just like to say a few words about what this wonderful woman means to this school and to me.
Webster's Dictionary defines Mrs.
Krabappel as Excuse me.
I have an emergency page from mother.
This press conference is over.
So because I nominated Mrs.
K our whole family gets a free trip to the awards ceremony in Orlando.
- Orlando? Are we going to SeaWorld? - No.
- Disney World? - Uh-uh.
- Universal Studios? - Afraid not.
- Leisure World? - Sorry, Grampa.
- Gator Gulch? - You wish.
Leisure World? Grampa, you're not even going.
Wait a minute.
I know where we're going.
Oh, it's horrible! Oh, it's even boring to fly over it.
Oh, God.
It's so exciting.
I'm meeting my peers.
Ooh, The Future Sphere.
It's what people in 1965 imagined what life would be like in 1987.
Eastern Airlines presents "The World of Tomorrow.
" Don't walk, fly in your personal Eastern Airlines Air Buggy.
And say goodbye to the cola wars.
The victor, Eastern Airlines Cola.
And we're not stopping there.
Because at Eastern Airlines, world conquest is part of our master plan.
Now, enjoy the soothing music of The Turtles.
It's nice and cool in here, don't you think? Welcome to the electric car of the future sponsored by the gasoline producers of America.
Hello.
I'm an electric car.
I can't go very fast or very far.
And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.
One of us! One of us! Willie, you're no stranger to the inner workings of the female mind.
Aye.
Willie's sent many a Vermont Teddy Bear.
Well, I'm a little worried that, uh, with all this attention Edna may meet someone better.
Damn straight she will, you brunch-eating popinjay.
Your woman's in Orlando, man.
You can't take two steps there without falling into a tunnel of love.
Oh, I've been a fool.
I've gotta go after her.
- Take me car.
- Unh.
Make sure you fill it up with Techron gas.
You don't want a case of the knocks.
Wow, this restaurant is so international.
"Le Pizza, Der Hamburger, SeÃ±or Grilled Cheese.
" I hope I don't accidentally order an elephant.
What happened to you two? Ew! Let's go make some fireworks of our own.
I get to tamp the powder.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Oh, I wish I had someone to share this with.
Edna Krabappel, please report to the principal's arms.
- Oh, you came.
- Ha.
I took a personal day.
Seymour! Bring me some ice.
My fanny is baboon red after that car ride.
Ow! Mother, we were sharing an open-mouthed kiss.
You brought your mother? Well, technically, since she's paying for the room, she brought me.
I am tired of sharing you with your mother.
This woman carried me for nine-and-a-half months.
I was out for two weeks and then went back in.
Ugh! Hey, Skinner.
You and Edna wanna join Marge and me at Great Moments With Mr.
Eisner? I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams.
Oh, you mean the Enron ride.
Let's go.
We're all gonna be rich! We broke even.
Mm, that's good satire.
Mom, is that Principal Skinner sleeping in the bed of tomorrow? Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
You'll be late for the next rocket to the moon.
He's never going to get up.
He's got no legs.
What are you doing here? Oh, well, since Edna dumped me I've been wandering around this park all night.
It's educational and offers mild thrills.
Just like Edna.
Now before the show, you'll need to take urine tests to prove you're not taking teaching-enhancing drugs.
You can't test what's not there.
We're also pleased to announce that our winner will receive enough money so they'll never have to teach again.
Good Lord.
I may lose Edna forever.
I've gotta stop her from winning.
Then she'll be broken, miserable and mine.
Don't look back.
Just keep driving.
Seymour? Glad you're here.
You can help me play "Halloween Hit and Run.
" Ooh, this game is gonna get some disapproving clucks.
But for now, I need my tongue to talk to you.
I don't wanna lose Edna so I need you to sabotage her chances of winning tonight.
But I don't wanna hurt Mrs.
K.
All right, Bart.
I didn't wanna resort to this, but This drawing was found on the wall of Springfield Elementary last week.
All right, I'm in.
I'll humiliate the love of your life.
Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner.
- It's pro bono.
- I know what I said.
Oh, this is the worst thing I've ever done.
Even worse than what I did in Nam.
You're gonna get your parade, down my esophagus.
So many categories.
"Gym Teacher of the Year, Substitute Teacher of the Year Most Wheelchair-Accessible School award"? Oh, who will take home the Rampy? And now, to present our final award for Teacher of the Year, Little Richard.
I love teachers.
In fact, I'm a teacher.
I taught Paul McCartney to go: Whoo! - "Purple Rain!" - Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up.
We're down to our last three teachers, folks.
And the winner will be decided by one final question asked by the students who nominated them.
I feel terrible.
But this is the only way I can win Edna without upsetting Mother.
He has the tiny hands of a chimp.
And now, Bart Simpson will ask a question to his teacher.
"Wha What woul?" - Hurry up, son.
- I'm sorry.
I can't read.
Mrs.
Krabappel never taught me to read.
Is this true, Edna? Oh, God.
I've created a Prankenstein.
Wait.
That boy is lying.
He's not illiterate.
And he's good around the potty too.
I'm sorry, everyone.
- I perpetrated this charade.
- Hmph.
The boy can read.
Edna Krabappel is the greatest teacher I've ever known.
If she can teach me to love, then she can teach anything.
Aw.
Seymour! Your feelings are ugly and wrong.
Are you gonna listen to her? Not on your life, Reverend.
From now on, I'm my own man.
- I have waited to hear that for so long.
- And it gets better.
- Edna Krabappel, will you marry me? - Oh! Now, I must warn you, two months' salary only bought me the ring box.
Oh, here, honey.
Take one of mine.
Whoo! Oh! I felt naked there for a minute.
Seymour, of course I'll marry you.
Oh, great.
Three in a bed.
Since the show is running long, we'll just name a winner.
Edna! Edna! Julio Estudiante an inner-city math teacher who taught teenage gang members that differential equations are more powerful than bullets.
What a rip! You all should be ashamed! Well, I didn't win Teacher of the Year.
But I didn't go home empty-handed.
Do you wanna check out the bed of tomorrow today? Oh, Seymour.
I love happy endings.
Well, here's ours.
We're going to Disney World.
Step away from the wall.
Step away from the wall.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
One churro, please.
That'll be $14.
Here.
Boy, those pies look good.
Open your gullet, you human blob.
Well, what do you think? What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie? Goodness gracious It's delicious That's what I think of the pie Because Should we follow him? I'm on vacation.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Special Edna (a.k.a. Love And Marking)
The Simpsons s14e07 Episode Script
Special Edna (a.k.a. Love And Marking)
The Simpsons Special Edna D'oh! Ah! The topic for your research paper will be World War I.
- Was that the war with Hitler or Merlin? - Oh, you idiot.
Merlin was in Vietnam.
Instead of writing a report, can I do a dance? - Sorry.
- May I type my report? It'll be easier on teacher's eyes.
Yes.
In fact, why doesn't everyone type their paper? Great idea, Martin.
Can the paper be 10 pages minimum? Well, I was gonna say five, but okay.
Thanks again, Martin.
Martin? He's gone now.
But you gotta admire his spirit.
All right, Seymour.
I'm ready for our romantic apple picking trip.
Yes.
About that.
Mother's neck wattle got caught in a zipper.
I've, uh, got a long night of boo-boo kissing ahead of me.
But don't worry, I got you these store-bought apples instead.
The apples weren't the point.
Then why were we going apple picking? Okay.
Time to start this paper.
World War I.
W-W-one.
Uh, that's a good start.
Time to watch wrestling.
I can't believe it.
Uncle Slam has defeated Osama bin Rotten, wow.
Here comes Secretary of Hate, Colin Kapow! He's dropping sanctions.
- Unh! - By which I mean anvils.
Okay, gotta focus, gotta focus.
Gotta look at that bird.
Gotta focus.
Damn it! Why did I pay for a hundred Xeroxes when I only wanted one? Well, I guess someone else will use the other 99.
Oh.
Prank or study? Prank or study? What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign.
Now, if everyone would open your prayer books The burning is love.
"Russia, Great Britain and France had formed an entente cordiale" Ooh, Algebra.
I'll just do a few equations.
No.
No more distractions.
Hey, Bart, wanna go for a ride in my uncle's Black Hawk helicopter? But I just started my paper.
It's your last chance.
He's probably gonna get court-martialed for this.
Black Hawk up.
Attention, teenage boys.
Take your hands off my daughter.
Now, kiss each other.
Grampa, quick.
Tell me everything you know about World War I.
World War I? I fought in that.
Of course, to enlist, I had to lie about my age.
Wanna see my picture I drew? Lieutenant Simpson, you've been up for hours.
Take a nap.
You're no good to us cranky.
But I'm not tired.
Oh, this is great stuff.
I can pad it out to 10 pages.
- Good night, Grampa.
- But I'm not tired.
Good night, sleepyhead.
- Do you have to poop? - Always.
"F"? There must be some mistake.
It's as long as you asked for.
Counting six pages of ads.
You're gonna have to redo your paper.
Well, if I may dust off an old chestnut: Ay caramba.
Ay caramba indeed.
"And so on November 11th, 1918, the guns fell silent and peace returned.
The end.
" Very good, Bart.
Oh, I must have the wrong classroom.
I was looking for my girlfriend, not Pam Dawber.
Are you ready for a little after-school special? Eyes front, Simpson.
Hello? Mother? I'll be right there.
Now she wants to get out of the tub.
You've got to stop putting your mother ahead of me.
We have a date.
I'll be back in three hours.
Maybe less.
But almost certainly more.
He's a wiener, Mrs.
K.
Just say the word and his desk is full of boogers.
That's sweet of you.
But if I lost Seymour, who else is there? I believe in miracles Where you from You sexy thing? Sexy thing, you I believe Okay.
There's a lot of low cards in that hand.
Since we're both free, why don't you and me hit the town? A pity date from a 10 year old? I'll take it.
From the widest gully to the deepest trench holes define who we are and where we are going.
And although Rover here may not know it he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself.
He is giving birth to a hole.
Or consider the dolphin, nature's most filmed creature.
Even they have holes.
Blowholes.
Thanks for going out with me tonight.
It really took my mind off stupid jerks and their mothers.
And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile? I can't believe you went to the movies with the teacher.
What happened to the Bart Simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew? I only hung out with Krabappel because Skinner blew her off.
I've never seen her so sad.
You know what made me feel better about myself? That award I got for World's Greatest Dad.
Dad, you bought that because it was full of gummy worms.
And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish.
Which I did.
Mm, trophy.
Hey, Bart, you could nominate Mrs.
Krabappel for an actual award the Teacher of the Year.
Then she'll feel appreciated.
They have an award for teaching? Hey, they have Latin Grammys.
It is so hard to choose nominees from all these qualified candidates.
This is the most difficult one-day-a-year job in the world.
Put in the next tape.
I use humor to reach my students.
Dead Poets Society has destroyed a generation of educators.
And so President Kennedy says to Khrushchev: "Well, enough jawing.
Reach for it, pilgrim.
" And the missiles are like, "Oh, praise Jesus! Can I hear an amen?" Hey, Macarena - Next.
- I'd like to nominate my teacher Mrs.
Krabappel.
She may not be glamorous or entertaining she's just a real teacher who comes in every day no matter what.
And she never gave up on me, Bart Simpson.
- The Bart Simpson? - I thought he was an urban legend.
If she's danced with the devil in the blue shorts and lived we have ourselves a nominee.
Mm-hm.
Oh, Lord, it's only Wednesday.
I hope one of those little hoods puts a tack on my chair just so I can feel something.
- What's going on? - Edna Krabappel you've been nominated for Teacher of the Year.
Oh, my God.
Ha, ha, you're a-crying.
Nelson Muntz, you've been nominated for Bully of the Year.
Thank you so much.
- Wedgie.
- Unh! How does it feel to be nominated for Teacher of the Year? I can't believe it.
This after I accidentally showed the R-rated Romeo and Juliet.
I thought that nipple would haunt me forever.
Oh, oh.
Reporter Cletus, Outhouse Times-Picayune.
Is there any persons, critters or spells to which you attribute this accolade? There's one person I'd like to thank for this.
Mm-hm.
We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him.
Bart Simpson.
Way to go, Bart.
I can't express how I feel in words, so I drew this picture.
These stink lines stand for dedication, caring and for letting me drink coffee in class.
- Way to go, Edna.
- Yes, yes.
- Way to go! - Oh, oh.
Follow-up query.
Mrs.
K, if you win this here learning derby will you forget your kith and kin and leave us all forever? Leave us forever? I'd better pee on this fire.
As principal, I'd just like to say a few words about what this wonderful woman means to this school and to me.
Webster's Dictionary defines Mrs.
Krabappel as Excuse me.
I have an emergency page from mother.
This press conference is over.
So because I nominated Mrs.
K our whole family gets a free trip to the awards ceremony in Orlando.
- Orlando? Are we going to SeaWorld? - No.
- Disney World? - Uh-uh.
- Universal Studios? - Afraid not.
- Leisure World? - Sorry, Grampa.
- Gator Gulch? - You wish.
Leisure World? Grampa, you're not even going.
Wait a minute.
I know where we're going.
Oh, it's horrible! Oh, it's even boring to fly over it.
Oh, God.
It's so exciting.
I'm meeting my peers.
Ooh, The Future Sphere.
It's what people in 1965 imagined what life would be like in 1987.
Eastern Airlines presents "The World of Tomorrow.
" Don't walk, fly in your personal Eastern Airlines Air Buggy.
And say goodbye to the cola wars.
The victor, Eastern Airlines Cola.
And we're not stopping there.
Because at Eastern Airlines, world conquest is part of our master plan.
Now, enjoy the soothing music of The Turtles.
It's nice and cool in here, don't you think? Welcome to the electric car of the future sponsored by the gasoline producers of America.
Hello.
I'm an electric car.
I can't go very fast or very far.
And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.
One of us! One of us! Willie, you're no stranger to the inner workings of the female mind.
Aye.
Willie's sent many a Vermont Teddy Bear.
Well, I'm a little worried that, uh, with all this attention Edna may meet someone better.
Damn straight she will, you brunch-eating popinjay.
Your woman's in Orlando, man.
You can't take two steps there without falling into a tunnel of love.
Oh, I've been a fool.
I've gotta go after her.
- Take me car.
- Unh.
Make sure you fill it up with Techron gas.
You don't want a case of the knocks.
Wow, this restaurant is so international.
"Le Pizza, Der Hamburger, SeÃ±or Grilled Cheese.
" I hope I don't accidentally order an elephant.
What happened to you two? Ew! Let's go make some fireworks of our own.
I get to tamp the powder.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Oh, I wish I had someone to share this with.
Edna Krabappel, please report to the principal's arms.
- Oh, you came.
- Ha.
I took a personal day.
Seymour! Bring me some ice.
My fanny is baboon red after that car ride.
Ow! Mother, we were sharing an open-mouthed kiss.
You brought your mother? Well, technically, since she's paying for the room, she brought me.
I am tired of sharing you with your mother.
This woman carried me for nine-and-a-half months.
I was out for two weeks and then went back in.
Ugh! Hey, Skinner.
You and Edna wanna join Marge and me at Great Moments With Mr.
Eisner? I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams.
Oh, you mean the Enron ride.
Let's go.
We're all gonna be rich! We broke even.
Mm, that's good satire.
Mom, is that Principal Skinner sleeping in the bed of tomorrow? Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
You'll be late for the next rocket to the moon.
He's never going to get up.
He's got no legs.
What are you doing here? Oh, well, since Edna dumped me I've been wandering around this park all night.
It's educational and offers mild thrills.
Just like Edna.
Now before the show, you'll need to take urine tests to prove you're not taking teaching-enhancing drugs.
You can't test what's not there.
We're also pleased to announce that our winner will receive enough money so they'll never have to teach again.
Good Lord.
I may lose Edna forever.
I've gotta stop her from winning.
Then she'll be broken, miserable and mine.
Don't look back.
Just keep driving.
Seymour? Glad you're here.
You can help me play "Halloween Hit and Run.
" Ooh, this game is gonna get some disapproving clucks.
But for now, I need my tongue to talk to you.
I don't wanna lose Edna so I need you to sabotage her chances of winning tonight.
But I don't wanna hurt Mrs.
K.
All right, Bart.
I didn't wanna resort to this, but This drawing was found on the wall of Springfield Elementary last week.
All right, I'm in.
I'll humiliate the love of your life.
Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner.
- It's pro bono.
- I know what I said.
Oh, this is the worst thing I've ever done.
Even worse than what I did in Nam.
You're gonna get your parade, down my esophagus.
So many categories.
"Gym Teacher of the Year, Substitute Teacher of the Year Most Wheelchair-Accessible School award"? Oh, who will take home the Rampy? And now, to present our final award for Teacher of the Year, Little Richard.
I love teachers.
In fact, I'm a teacher.
I taught Paul McCartney to go: Whoo! - "Purple Rain!" - Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up.
We're down to our last three teachers, folks.
And the winner will be decided by one final question asked by the students who nominated them.
I feel terrible.
But this is the only way I can win Edna without upsetting Mother.
He has the tiny hands of a chimp.
And now, Bart Simpson will ask a question to his teacher.
"Wha What woul?" - Hurry up, son.
- I'm sorry.
I can't read.
Mrs.
Krabappel never taught me to read.
Is this true, Edna? Oh, God.
I've created a Prankenstein.
Wait.
That boy is lying.
He's not illiterate.
And he's good around the potty too.
I'm sorry, everyone.
- I perpetrated this charade.
- Hmph.
The boy can read.
Edna Krabappel is the greatest teacher I've ever known.
If she can teach me to love, then she can teach anything.
Aw.
Seymour! Your feelings are ugly and wrong.
Are you gonna listen to her? Not on your life, Reverend.
From now on, I'm my own man.
- I have waited to hear that for so long.
- And it gets better.
- Edna Krabappel, will you marry me? - Oh! Now, I must warn you, two months' salary only bought me the ring box.
Oh, here, honey.
Take one of mine.
Whoo! Oh! I felt naked there for a minute.
Seymour, of course I'll marry you.
Oh, great.
Three in a bed.
Since the show is running long, we'll just name a winner.
Edna! Edna! Julio Estudiante an inner-city math teacher who taught teenage gang members that differential equations are more powerful than bullets.
What a rip! You all should be ashamed! Well, I didn't win Teacher of the Year.
But I didn't go home empty-handed.
Do you wanna check out the bed of tomorrow today? Oh, Seymour.
I love happy endings.
Well, here's ours.
We're going to Disney World.
Step away from the wall.
Step away from the wall.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
One churro, please.
That'll be $14.
Here.
Boy, those pies look good.
Open your gullet, you human blob.
Well, what do you think? What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie? Goodness gracious It's delicious That's what I think of the pie Because Should we follow him? I'm on vacation.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  The Dad Who Knew Too Little
The Simpsons s14e08 Episode Script
The Dad Who Knew Too Little
The Simpsons The Dad Who Knew Too Little D'oh! Ah! Welcome to another episode of Padz where we go inside the mega-mansions of today's hot young celebrities.
This was today? The girl was supposed to call.
Oh, let's get this over with.
Here's the recliner where Don Adams and Shelley Winters made beautiful music together.
It should be in a museum, but museums don't want it.
And here's my pool.
I don't swim, so that's where I throw my shrimp shells.
Krustofski.
Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor, Elliott Gould.
Your monkey bit my kid again.
Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion - Say hello to Bob, and Carol.
- Unh! Aah! - And Ted and Alice.
- Unh! Aah! Oh, that's it, Gould.
And you keep your lousy dog off my lawn.
Dear diary "I have a crush on Kenny.
" Ha! That's me.
You would like me, loser.
Girls, don't let this happen to you.
Get the Turbo Diary from Girltech.
No one can read your secrets except you.
Unauthorized user.
Access denied.
Turbo Diary, I love that I bought you.
Get your Turbo Diary from Girltech.
Girltech is a division of Boytech.
Hey, I could really use one of those.
No arguments here.
Man, I come off like a jerk in this thing.
Mom, Dad, my birthday's coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
- Just buy me the frigging toy.
- Ha-ha-ha.
I love that little shill.
- Let's get her that diary.
- I agree.
A girl should have her own private diary.
Dad, you can't eat all those free samples.
- We've gotta get Lisa's present.
- Watch and learn.
More free samples.
Dad, you ate all the free samples.
Now you're eating men's slacks.
Eh, it's still better than Indian food.
Oh.
One Turbo Diary, please.
Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh, Romeo? It's not for me.
I'm not a girl like you.
Well played.
Oh.
I'm sorry, sir, but I just sold the last Turbo Diary to that guy.
Finally, Smithers a device worthy of storing my top-secret enemies list.
I'm ready, sir.
Number one, the Kingston Trio.
Ugh.
Number two Unauthorized user.
Access denied.
Oh.
Now what am I gonna get Lisa? Sir, I can offer you this Tickle Me Krusty the most popular toy of 1999.
- I'm anatomically correct.
- Go ahead, take a peek.
I wonder what mommy's medicine tastes like.
Lisa's not gonna want that.
Oh, what can I get her? Shop of the morning, Homer.
Just call me Mall Flanders.
- What are you buying? Jerk stuff? - Oh, you betcha.
This kiosk sells personalized movies.
I had one made starring little Rod.
Kiosk Productions presents an outer space adventure starring you.
One day while flying your spaceship, you saw a planet and decided to land.
- Greetings, I am commander - Rod.
Welcome, earthling.
What are your hobbies? My hobbies include: Being quiet during trips, clapping with songs and diabetes.
Sounds like fun.
Let's party.
Hey, your kid is in the movie.
And the movie knows his name.
Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary.
Stupid Flanders, you're a genius.
A laser pointer.
Thanks, Bart.
It's really cool.
You can point a red dot at people's crotches from really far away.
Hmm.
There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front.
I'd better lower them.
Ah.
The dot also appears to be on my underpants.
Well, down they go.
Hey, buddy.
You better get that red dot checked out.
My uncle died of crotch dot.
Okay, Lisa, now open the present from your father and me.
Hmm, hmm? I wonder what this could be.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Could it be some kind of book? Well, yes and no.
- Mostly no.
- Wha? You were supposed to get her that stupid diary.
But it's a personalized video about my favorite little star, Lisa Simpson.
Well, this could be fun.
Let's watch it.
- Howdy, partners.
- My name is Sheriff Lisa Simpson.
I sure am hungry for my favorite food McNuggets.
I don't like McNuggets.
I'm a vegetarian.
Still? Then you're not gonna like your other present.
- It's my best friend - Maggie.
Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff - Lisa Simpson.
- Some Indians took all the - McNuggets.
Mm, McNuggets.
I'll get those no good Indians just as sure as my favorite book is Magazines.
- Wake up, Dad.
- Eh What? Dad, that information is all wrong.
Maggie's a baby, not my best friend.
You don't know anything about me.
Maggie, you're her best friend, go talk to her.
Oh, what have I done? Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they? Good morning, honey.
Did you cry out all your angries? I don't think so.
Oh, Lisa's still mad at me.
I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax.
I did it for the insurance money.
Hmph.
Look, Lisa, I'm still trying to get to know you.
Who's your favorite Traveling Wilbury? Is it Jeff Lynne? Dad, you've had eight years to get to know me.
It's too late.
But I'm full of questions.
What's your favorite cigar size? Is it Robusto? Is it? Gee, Homer, you sure look sad.
Yeah, at least you ain't aging six years for every one because of your cow heart.
Oh.
My daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her.
Ah.
Well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad, I use this guy.
This detective is unbelievable.
He can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can than you could from years of intimacy.
He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night.
Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.
Well, if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it.
- Can I get this beer to go? - Sure.
Maybe someday I'll turn into a swan.
Oh, God.
- "Drunk cop.
" Is that you? - No.
Look lower.
- Ooh, pie.
- What can I do for you? My name is Homer Simpson.
I desperately need your help.
Let me guess.
It's about a girl.
- How did you know? - It's always a dame.
Usually with gams that don't quit until they get to the shoes.
And then they're only napping.
Priceless.
I need you to find out everything about my daughter so she'll think I'm a good dad.
Okay.
I'll get a line on your kid.
I charge 50 bucks a day, plus expenses.
Anything to trick my daughter into liking me.
Now, if you need to reach me, my e-mail is chunkylover53@aol.
Chunky lover 53.
- It's one word.
- One word.
- Chunkylover53.
- At AOL.
Dot-com.
Hey, that's not your locker.
You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler.
Moving on.
I need to see Lisa Simpson's permanent record.
I'm afraid that information is confidential.
These are some nice-looking papers on your desk.
It would be a shame if somebody shuffled them.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I? Pfft.
I could easily put them back in their original order.
Oh, really? No! You're late, Muntz.
Get bent, shamus.
I got what you're looking for.
- Nice.
Very nice.
- Now give me back what's mine.
Ah.
My picture with Snow White.
You know she's just an actress.
Shut up.
Some of us prefer illusion to despair.
Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Yes, yes, you said that already.
What else do you know? I once picked my nose till it bleeded.
About Lisa.
Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Someone's already worked this guy over.
Ah, the information I've been waiting for.
So far, so good.
Lisa's pet peeve is phonies? I thought she loved them.
Huh? Is that Miles Davis' Birth of the Cool? You should know.
It is your favorite album.
So you know one thing about me.
Big deal.
Wait, wait.
I thought you might like to go to an animal rights protest today.
Well, maybe.
On the way home, we could get your favorite treat.
Ice cream.
What do we want? The gradual phase out of animal testing over the next three years.
When do we want it? Over the next three years.
Uh, young lady, why are you protesting today? Because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals.
Take a look for yourself.
They're making monkeys smoke cigarettes.
And look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics.
So sad, yet so sexy, yet so delicious.
Mm.
Dad, today was so great.
The animal rights protest, a visit to the Museum of Sadness and Oppression.
Well, we should get along.
I mean, after all, I am your father.
How'd you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom help you? Mom? Don't you think I could read the report by myself? - What report? - The Uh Well, uh, report is a daddy word that means "loves his daughter.
" You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself? That's right, honey.
You did it.
Lisa thinks I'm the greatest.
I might even put you to work on Bart and Maggie.
Go super dad on all their asses.
I believe there's still the matter of my expenses.
Oh, yes.
Well, let's take a look and see A thousand dollars? - How did you spend a thousand dollars? - It's itemized.
A $40 steak? But if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would've been free.
You've been living like a king on my dollar.
Super-unleaded gas.
Silver bullets? I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf.
- Didn't pan out.
- I can't believe a man who agreed to follow my daughter around for money would turn out to be a dirtbag.
You better pay up, Simpson.
You'll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt.
You'll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place.
I think I'll color him love Color him love Breaking news at the Screaming Monkey Research Labs where test animals have been freed by unknown activists.
Chief Wiggum, uh, do you have a statement? Uh, yes.
Yes, I do, Kent.
This is a horrible crime.
One that Ha, ha.
Cut it out, Lou.
I He's making funny faces.
Sorry, chief.
One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife.
Chief, do you have any suspects at this time? Well, we do have several promising clues.
Uh, let's see.
There's a Malibu Stacy scrunchie a saxophone reed and a book report on The Secret Garden by Lisa Simpson.
What does this tell you? Well, apparently, there's a secret garden in all of us.
And that Lisa Simpson is guilty.
I was framed.
- You believe me, don't you, Dad? - Of course I do.
It's all my fault for refusing to pay Pay attention to you, my sweet little father-loving pile of forgiveness.
Yes.
Can Lisa come out with her hands up? Chief Wiggum, my daughter is innocent until proven guilty.
Would an innocent person flee? No, really.
Tell me.
I honestly don't know.
- Chief, no.
- Even I knew that.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not I'm not good.
Ha, ha.
They're trapped.
Oh, damn it.
I can't stop worrying about Homer and Lisa.
Oh, Mom.
This'll take your mind off them.
Unh! Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade.
Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad.
I look just like a Powerpuff Girl.
I look just like Elvis.
- Names, please? - Lady Penelope Ariel Ponyweather.
Uh, Rock Strongo.
Your real name? - Uh, Lance Uppercut.
- Thank you.
Sign here, Mr.
Uppercut.
Let me just put on my glasses.
You're charging how much for a room? Hello? Hello.
This is a phone survey.
If the election were held today would you vote for A, the cops are there or B, you're free to talk.
Uh, A.
And I'd like to add that proposition "Hug Lisa For Me" has my full support.
Oh, Marge.
You're not getting it.
It's me, Homer Simpson.
- We got a location, chief.
- Good work, Lou.
We'll leave right after dinner.
Lisa, this is from your mom.
Aw.
Life on the lam is really hard.
But at least it's with you, Dad.
I feel terrible for putting you through this after what a wonderful father you've been.
Oh.
Lisa, I can't lie to you any longer.
This is all my fault.
I'm the worst dad in the world.
What? Why? The man who framed you is a crooked detective who I hired.
Why did you do that? To find out everything about you so I'd seem like a good father.
How could you? Well, all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a great idea.
Let's just get some sleep.
All right, Simpsons, the jig is up.
We know you're in there.
Okay.
I'm coming right out the door.
Damn it.
These windows are so hard to squeeze through.
Cheer up, honey.
We're living an all-natural existence, the kind you like.
Ooh, a trash can.
We'll find breakfast in here.
I don't wanna eat from the trash.
Oh, a banana.
What the? It's full of cigarette butts.
So is this one.
They must've come from over there.
Those are the test animals.
The detective must've sold them to the circus.
We'll just tell the police and then I'm back to being plain old Rock Strongo.
You're not telling nobody nothing.
Make one move and you'll get a belly full of the Flying Giuseppe.
How you doing? Dexter Colt, the man who framed my daughter.
- You should've paid the expenses.
- In retrospect, yes.
Ooh.
I think that fixed my back.
Oh, no, no.
It's much worse.
I'll just hide here.
Now what are you gonna do? You can't shoot all of us.
Damn it.
You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.
Dad? Are you in here? - How did she find us? - Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing.
Once when she was 3, I was quietly sobbing in the closet and she found me.
Oh, Dad, you do remember something about me.
Perhaps you also remember this laser Bart gave me earlier.
I can't see.
How ironic.
Now, he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.
Well, it wasn't easy, honey.
But I'm glad you love me again.
Yeah.
But what's gonna happen to the animals? Don't worry, honey.
They released them all into the wild.
Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again I'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more.
Duly noted.
Hey, Dad.
Will you read me a story? Why certainly, son.
Just hand me that book you got there.
Unauthorized user.
Access denied.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  The Strong Arms of the Ma
The Simpsons s14e09 Episode Script
The Strong Arms of the Ma
The Simpsons The Strong Arms of the Ma D'oh! Ah! Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.
I'm here with actor Rainier Wolfcastle who surprisingly has filed for bankruptcy.
Rainier, what went wrong? Three divorces in three months.
What can I say, Kent? I'm a romantic.
But this personal tragedy translates into a good old-fashioned bankruptcy sale.
Yeah.
Everything must go.
Even the painting of my nana.
This was done on her wedding day.
Or should I say "deading" day? How the mighty have fallen into my price range.
I wanna go there.
- Dad, we are there.
- Woo-hoo! Oh, Rainier, I really don't think it's right to sell these Playdude centerfolds.
Zip it, Holy Joe.
- Are you taking us to another mansion? - Uh, yeah.
Uh, Miss September - you're gonna have to get in the trunk.
- Oh.
Whoa, a sword cane.
Everything here is sword.
Sword baseball bat, sword rifle, sword pineapple sword sword sharpener, sword pie.
It's Hey, what happened to the sword pie? What do I do now? Hey, look, a cyborg hand.
This could really come in useful.
Well, well, look who's gone Hollywood.
Oh! Eh, mm, eh.
Do you need some assistance picking over the tattered remains of my life? Nope, I'm good.
Hey, your early porno movies.
Oh, wait, are any of these hetero? What's there is there.
You got any junk that will go up in value after you die? Right this way.
My first weight set.
They know you are talking about them.
I'll take it.
Who's up for coconut oil? There's no way this junk is gonna fit in that car.
Don't worry.
This is what all those hours of playing Tetris were for.
No.
- Huh.
Perfect.
- But there's no room for you.
D'oh! - Do you think you could give me a lift? - Sure.
I'll carry you in this giant Snugli.
I used it to carry Rob Schneider in the movie My Baby is an Ugly Man.
Hmm? Ooh! Your heartbeat is so soothing.
Shh.
Time for sleep, little fatso.
Oh! Ew! Mom, I think Maggie fudged her Huggies.
Bart, don't say it like that.
You'll hurt her feelings.
Jeez, Louise.
How did you turn cinnamon applesauce into that? Don't try to pin this on me, sister.
Sorry, emergency.
Hello, Mrs.
Homer.
Apu, where's your bathroom? The bathroom is not for customers.
Please use the crack house.
Aah! That is the most pungent thing I've ever smelled and I am from India.
All right, all right, but speak of this to no one.
Don't worry.
That sign is just a ruse, like all high voltage signs.
There's a happy baby.
Aren't you? Aren't you? Give me your purse.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- Shut up.
- It's not a purse.
It's a diaper bag.
- What? It looks like a purse, that's why I bought it.
- But it's really a - Shut up! Fine.
I'll just take this.
Come on, Mom, let's go.
Mom, are you okay? It's all my fault my wife got mugged.
There you have it, boys.
Case closed.
Look, this really made me feel vulnerable.
I wanna know how soon you think you'll catch this guy.
Don't worry, Marge, I swear to you I'll put my best man on it.
Hmm? Oh, boy, is this awkward.
Wait, Marge.
I don't want you to leave the house without this.
Emergency whistle, pepper spray and this map of the most vulnerable parts of a man's body.
Why is it Ned Flanders? Oh, like, I'm gonna kick Chief Wiggum in the groin.
Okay, Marge, you can do this.
You've done it a thousand times before.
- Hi, Mrs.
Simpson.
- Aah! Oh, no.
I pepper-sprayed Ralph.
Even my boogers are spicy.
Sorry.
Let's go home.
There's nothing dangerous there except for the electrical wiring.
Mom, you didn't get the milk.
And you parked on top of the mailman.
It's okay.
All part of the job.
Can you believe I get paid to wear short pants? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll come right out and help you.
I gave your necklace to my cheap girlfriend.
I just throw it in a drawer at night.
No, it'll tangle! Sorry, I can't go outside.
I'll call for help.
No hurry, I got plenty to read.
Ooh, Twilight Zone Magazine.
It Oh, no, my glasses are broken.
Marge, I'm afraid you've developed agoraphobia: A fear of leaving the home.
I recommend watching this Lifetime Channel movie.
It's called The Woman Who Died in Her Home.
Oh, my God.
Isn't there anything I can do? Marge, I suggest you slowly desensitize yourself to the fear of going outside.
Create controlled situations where you can leave without pain or panic.
What if I can't feel comfortable outside again? - I hope you like throwing dinner parties.
- I do.
No one wants to eat dinner at a crazy lady's house.
Get real.
Don't worry, Mom.
This first time we'll only take a few steps outside.
All right, just to the mailbox and back.
Now, Dr.
Hibbert said to use a number from one to 10 to describe how anxious you are.
Two, three, two Don't worry.
Everything is fine.
- What the hell is that? - Eight.
- Dad, it's just a bug.
- Two Not just a bug.
It's the queen of something.
Ten, 10, 10.
Don't worry.
I'll set fire to the hive.
Twelve.
Fifteen.
Seven hundred and three.
Run! Oh, my goodness.
It looks just like the Kwik-E-Mart.
Yup, but you're still safe at home.
After a few practice trips here the real Kwik-E-Mart will be a piece of cake.
- Now, Bart will play Apu.
- Mm-hm.
I'm a magazine rack.
Look, I'm the first to admit it.
I don't write good parts for women.
I'm a robber.
- Aah! Help! - All this does is shoot bubbles.
Silly String! Kids, I'll find your mother.
Dad, we're canceling the rest of the play.
What play? What the hell is he talking about? - Marge? - I'm gonna sleep down here tonight.
Listen, kids.
Your mom is going to be living in the basement.
But with our love, she'll get better soon.
- What if she doesn't? - We'll have to smoke her out.
And may the peace of God be with you.
Amen.
Amen.
Over.
Breaker, Bartman to shut-in.
The big guy's asleep.
Please advise.
Over.
Whack him with the hymnal.
Over.
- I roger that big time.
- D'oh! - Why, you little - Oh, ha, ha, hi, Jesus.
I was just Wow, honey, eating dinner downstairs is great.
Isn't it, kids? The air hockey table makes passing the carrots a breeze.
Bart, eat your spinach, unh.
No way, unh.
Yes way.
Stop it, please.
I'm trying to eat.
And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out.
It's like we're at Cheers.
I loved that show because you always knew it was only a half-hour till Wings.
Then you could just sleep till Monday.
Bye, Mom.
I'm sending the cat up with your lunches.
Goodbye, kids.
What to do now? Too crazy to go outside.
Not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.
Why did Homer buy those? No one's ever gonna use them.
Hmm.
Three, four and five eggs.
Ladies, feel that burn.
If you don't, the oven's not on.
Ten, 11, 12.
I can bench twice as much as when I started.
And look at my abs.
Mom.
I'm married to Joey Heatherton.
Ooh, you know what would zest up this hollandaise? A lemon.
- Dad, do you plan to get in shape? - No.
- Actually, I'm gonna eat twice as much.
- Excellent.
Uh, guys, Mom just left the basement.
She's in the backyard.
I got all the way out to the tree before I realized I'd left the house.
I'm stronger than I've ever been.
I don't have to go back inside.
I'm not afraid.
- All right, Mom.
- Yay, Mom.
- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo! I'm not afraid.
Ned, I'm not afraid.
Well, aren't you a super-duper recouper? Grampa, I'm not afraid.
Then you're not paying close enough attention.
- You? - What you been up to? Living in fear? Not anymore.
You've just been Marge-inalized.
Marge, that was amazing.
It's like I'm married to Shaft.
Chief, I think that's the guy who mugged her.
Yeah.
She caught her own criminal unlike the rest of you lazy bones.
You're not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet, people.
Marge Simpson? It's Ruth.
Ruth Powers.
Ruth Powers? My old neighbor? Oh, my goodness.
Look at you.
I got this body in prison.
I was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row.
Wow.
You know, another 4 inches on your neck and you'd look pretty hot.
Ever thought of competing? I don't have those kind of muscles.
Well, you could if you use these.
Steroids? I can't take drugs.
I have many anti-drug bumper stickers I'd be making a liar out of my tailgate.
Steroids aren't drugs.
They occur naturally in the body like sweat or tumors.
But aren't there side effects? Yes.
Their main side effect is greatness.
But if you'd rather be weak and helpless No, no.
I feel good with no repercussions.
A little of this, a little of that.
Bulkanoids for my lats, Miso-Max for my delts and estrogen blockers for that minty taste.
Whoa! Hurry up, kids, you'll miss the bus.
Wait, Otto, come back! Not so fast, bus boy.
Man, what am I smoking? Oh, yeah, pot.
Thanks, Mom.
Bye, kids.
Bye-bye.
Ha, ha, your mom changed.
Hey, hot stuff.
I've got a competition tomorrow.
- I could use a good luck snuggle.
- I'd rather talk about our feelings.
I feel that illegal performance-enhancing drugs are too common these days.
Rebuttal? Let's do it.
Uh, listen, my bulky flower - I have an early day tomorrow - I wasn't asking.
Kids, I made your lunches.
They're on the table.
Huh? Why didn't mom make our lunch? Your mom has a lot of stuff to shave.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Now, let's meet the ladies who our doctors assure us are women.
The iron maidens.
Ay caramba.
I'm off women forever.
Support the arts.
Yeah, that's rad, that's rad, yeah.
This is the cheapest vacation you've ever taken me on.
The man who shot Liberty Valance He shot Liberty Valance He was the bravest of them all Nice lady.
In second place, Marge Simpson.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah! Second place? Oh, man, this will just encourage her.
I'm tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes.
Quiet.
Her muscular ears can hear us.
So then I popped my delts, clench and bam! Not a dry eye in the house.
I'm so proud of you, honey.
You bulked up but managed to keep your femininity.
And that's why I didn't win.
Sorry, sir.
Sorry.
Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco load - use a denser ripping gel - Denser? Damn straight.
I didn't sacrifice my period for second place.
I hear that.
Uh, listen, Marge Um, how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
- Maybe death will stop your yammering.
- Marge, easy.
Ah! Oh! Everyone pile on Homer's wife.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Disco Stu should have disco ducked.
Ow.
Marge.
Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married.
The woman who instead of swatting a fly will give it a bath and send it on its way.
I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.
Oh, my gosh.
You're right.
Steroids have turned me into everything I hate.
Let's go home, sweetie.
Club soda will get that blood out.
Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses.
Whoa, Moe, wait a minute.
Don't you have to buy insurance first? Oh, crap.
You know, I really do miss being a lady.
And I miss being your knight in flabby armor.
Oh, Homie.
Ready for a real workout, Marge? Mm-hm.
Good.
Can you wax the car? Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Pray Anything
The Simpsons s14e10 Episode Script
Pray Anything
The Simpsons Pray Anything D'oh! Ah! Dad, it's so enlightened of you to take us to a WNBA game.
- Yeah.
Well, nachos are nachos.
- Over here.
Over here.
Whoa, check out Janeane Giraffalo.
That's Fung Pang-Li, the 7-foot sensation from Szechwan.
Szechwan, eh? No wonder she's so spicy.
Bart, you're a little young to be growling at 7-foot Chinese ladies.
Fine.
I'll go back to being bored.
Wow, I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman like that.
Woo! Mm Far-fetched Ha, ha.
Look, that's Lisa Leslie.
She showed little girls everywhere that they can grow up to be 6'5".
Lisa Leslie, you got game.
I think you mean I have game.
- Try to speak correctly.
- You go, girl.
Yes, I will depart lest your bad grammar rub off on me.
Now, here's something for the men to dribble over.
Our mascot, Swish.
Oh, I can see her logo and everything.
Oh, heh.
Ha, ha.
Hey, come back.
Hey, I love you.
- Hey.
- Oh.
- Huh? - Aw.
Oh, darn it.
Swish was everything I'm not.
Put the head back on.
And now it's time for our $50,000 half-court shot.
- The winning fan is in section A.
- Yes.
- Row 12.
- Yes.
- Seat 16.
- Woo-hoo! Huh? Praise the Lord.
My seat has scored.
Dad, this ticket is for tomorrow's WNFL game.
The Cowgirls versus The She-gles.
Heh.
- No love lost there.
- Unh.
Thanks for supporting the WNBA, sir.
You betcha.
It's a nice break from the male sports I usually watch.
rhythmic gymnastics, extreme choir.
Just hurry up and miss.
Lord, make my shot straight and true.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can't we just pretend you're really a girl? Well, for how long? For the rest of our lives.
D'oh! Gosh, $50,000.
I'm donating this whole check to Bibles for Belgians.
I'm the owner of this here team.
I wanna reward your generous attitude with this check for a hundred thousand dollars.
I'm crazy as a crap-house rat for philanthropy.
Hee-haw! Hee-Haw! I'm sorry, sir.
Your car is still blocked in.
Well, heh, I guess Flanders doesn't have all the luck.
So we'll let you drive home in the Wienermobile.
- Well, hot dog.
- Yay! That cuts the mustard with me.
Oh, it's not fair.
I always wanted to drive a food-shaped car.
Heh, the steering wheel is a giant onion ring.
They thought of everything.
How come all the good things happen to Jesus H.
Nice? By which I mean Flanders.
- D'oh! - Huh? - D'oh! - Huh? - D'oh! - Huh? D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! What are you doing? The grass is actually greener on Flanders' side.
That's because you keep passing out on our lawn.
No, that's not it.
He's got some secret.
And I'm gonna find out what it is, no matter what it takes.
Flanders, what's your secret? You never get arrested, don't buy clothes at Mister Blob and look at your beautiful lawn.
It sickens me.
Well, heh, whatever I've got, I owe to hard work, honest living and flossing my teeth, tail and toes.
Plus a prayer now and then.
So that's all it takes.
A little prayer.
And now Ken Burns.
A documentary by Ken Burns about the life of Ken Burns.
Ew! Where's the remote? Ever since he was a young man Ken Burns has loved two things.
Baseball and jazz.
They so consumed my life I never had time for a proper haircut.
Well, if I don't have the remote I can just get up and change the channel.
Wait a minute.
I'll do what Flanders does.
Oh, merciful God who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder help me find the remote.
There it is.
I've never actually been to a baseball game.
The fresh air gives me hives.
Die monster! - You're watching - Monkey Olympics on Fox.
It worked.
I got my wish.
From now on, I'll pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding.
5.
2, 5.
2, 5.
2, 5.
1, 5.
3.
- Ooh, low marks.
- I've never seen Noodles this mad.
She's throwing her diaper at the judges.
Oh, Lord.
Please guide that diaper into someone's schnoz.
Ah, yes.
Hmm.
Vengeful God, loving God.
Vengeful God, loving God.
Vengeful God, loving God.
Vengeful God, loving God.
Ha, ha.
I could do this all day and I just might.
Vengeful God, loving God.
Vengeful God, loving God.
Setting up a prayer station, eh, Homer? I used to think God only helped professional athletes and Grammy winners.
But now I realize he helps shmoes like me too, Carl.
Makes sense to me.
Oh, by the way, did you see the judging in the monkey figure skating? Whose banana you gotta peel to get a 5.
9? Pfft! Could not believe that.
Dear Lord, as I think of you, dressed in white with your splendid beard I am reminded of Colonel Sanders who is now seated at your right hand shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth.
Lord, could you come up with a delicious new treat like he did? I command you.
Hey, watch it.
Oh, fudge! Woo! Mm Move over, eggs.
Bacon just got a new best friend: fudge.
Oh, heavenly God, my son is plagued with homework.
With your vast knowledge of "The Shore Birds of Maryland" I know you can help him.
Homer, God isn't some kind of holy concierge.
You can't keep bugging him for every little thing.
Can and will.
Now, to unstop the sink.
Lord, please use your space-age clog- busting powers on this stubborn drain then take some time off for yourself.
Fly to France, have dinner.
I'll just call a plumber.
Oh, Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel, Marge for thou art most wise You know, most people pray silently.
Marge, he's way the hell up there.
Okay.
Hmm, I'm afraid I've got bad news.
- Trees have gotten into your plumbing.
- How bad is it? Your pipes have more roots than the list of all time top-rated TV shows.
Oh, well, we could live with a stopped-up drain.
I don't think that moisture's gonna do wonders for your drywall.
And it ain't in such great shape as it is.
- Oh! - Oh.
You was hiding behind the drywall.
Yes, you were.
I'm glad social services didn't see this.
Yes, I am.
Oh, you coughed up some drywall.
Lord, this is a dire emergency.
If you could fix my house or make a new house from one of my ribs.
Dad, are you hurt? I think my leg is broken.
Slip and fall? Can't go back to work? I'm Larry H.
Lawyer, Junior.
And I will fight for you.
I also habla EspaÃ±ol.
So that's your answer.
I'll sue the church.
Homer, we can't sue the church.
They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin.
It wouldn't be the first time.
I couldn't help it.
Those pews are so comfortable.
You have rights.
You deserve financial compensation.
He got me $60,000.
And I was driving drunk in a graveyard.
Now, you're my first client who actually is injured.
According to this book, that's a big plus.
Homer, please don't sue the church.
I'm asking you as your friend and neighbor.
Can I borrow your pen to sign this? Okely-dokely.
Why do I always give in to him? It's his skull.
It's hypnotic.
Now, hearing Homer Simpson v.
The First Church of Springfield.
Morning, judge.
How is your lovely wife? She was run over by a clergyman.
We're very sorry for the victim's injury.
But as this tape demonstrates, Mr.
Simpson is accident-prone.
I can't see anything in this fog.
Ow! Ha, ha, Your Honor, we the jury find that to be America's Funniest Home Video.
Back to you, Bob Saget.
This is a court of law.
Okey-doke.
We find for Mr.
Simpson in the sum of $1 million.
Woo-hoo! Can I get that in lottery tickets? Well, Your Honor, we don't have that kind of money.
We're not a synagogue.
In that case, I award Mr.
Simpson the deed to the church.
You're giving him the church? He's not giving it to me.
God is because I prayed for it.
Dad, I think this might be the work of Satan.
It's all good.
Homer, for the last time, please give the church back.
That is gonna drive me nuts.
Look.
This church is our only option.
Don't you kids wanna live here? Anything's better than that dump we came from.
And there's so many places to cloister myself.
The dog's onboard too.
Aw, he thinks he's papal.
Well, the court has spoken, so here you go.
You have to jiggle the handle.
Oh, and Wednesday is garbage day.
- Sweet.
- I'm so sorry, Reverend.
Oh, it's not so bad.
We'll be staying with the Flanders'.
And, Rev, you'll be bunking with me.
Oh, boy, does he ever I wanna lay it at your feet 'Cause girl, I was made for you And, girl you were made for me Oh, I love this song.
I was made for loving you, baby You were made for loving me I can't get enough of you, baby There's people in Community Outreach Center.
Well, we'll just see about that.
If it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous I'd still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks.
- Oh, yeah.
- I've been there.
I am so sorry for all your horrible problems.
But this is our dog's room now.
Wherever shall we go? Uh, you can come to my church.
And what church might that be? Saint Pauli Girl's Cathedral.
- Oh, I've heard of them.
- Yeah, okay.
Let's go there.
Homer, that was not very Christian of you.
You're right.
I'll make it up by throwing the bitchingest beer bash this church has ever seen.
Bless you.
Bless you.
How're you doing? Wow, Homer, this is like a party Dick Clark would throw.
Yeah.
Fun, but not too fun.
So where's Marge? Uh, she went to Lovejoy's temporary church.
She's worried about her immortal soul.
He said to his disciples In your face, Bestway Linen Supply.
- Yeah, no mercy.
- Roll that rock.
In these times that test our faith the Lord will be a Holy shining light unto us all.
Sorry, Padre.
I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of the goyim.
As I was saying, if we keep our hearts pure, we can Dr.
Hibbert, must you play the claw machine? I'll be right there.
I've almost got me a kitty cat.
I really enjoyed your sermon.
Particularly the part about the pin in the gutter on lane 15.
Ugh, that wasn't me.
That was the manager.
Are you sure? Because it really spoke to me.
Marge, it's as plain as the bruise on my shin.
There's no place for me here.
Where you going, Reverend? The town's that way.
Reverend? You're going the wrong way.
I'm sorry, Ned.
It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.
Ah, no.
No, you're lying.
You're lying.
What makes you lie? Good evening.
Springfield is grappling tonight with the departure of Rev.
Timothy Lovejoy, Bible nut.
How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pie in the sky.
You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it.
You're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church.
And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into people's souls? Well, yours would be black, Kent.
Black as the ace of spades.
Homer, send these people home.
This house-warming party's been going on for two days.
Hey, hey, you can't throw us out.
I just made a Cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing.
Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with Spam? A rat filled with cough drops? They've broken every commandment except one.
Hey, Lenny, covet some more chili fries? That's it.
The whole shebang.
Lord, this town may have turned its back on you, but not the Flanders'.
Wherever we are, you'll have your church.
Are you with me, boys? Speaking in tongues, what great kids.
Full house.
Jacks over twos.
Ha, ha, read them and strip, Barn.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Slowly.
Make me forget my troubles.
Oh, I hate this game.
Look at all this.
The great food, the party, the sunshine.
Pfft! Hard to believe one God came up with all this.
Well, there's probably a lot of gods.
Yeah, and some of them's gotta be chicks.
Yeah, with, like, a thousand boobs.
Woo-hoo! That's the God I'm gonna worship.
Well, there's only one God for me, your dad's old hunting trophy.
On Dasher, on Dancer.
Man, I must be wasted.
Homer, aren't you afraid you might be? - I don't know, incurring God's wrath? - Eh.
God's cool.
See, I don't know that he is.
In the Bible, he's always smiting and turning people into salt.
Oh, look.
God's giving us a little shower.
Everybody, look at the much needed rain.
Thank you, God.
Now, turn the rainwater into wine.
Okay, boys.
This is it.
The end of this sinful little suburb.
Yay! Let every evil lung fill.
Okay.
I got two of every animal but only males.
I don't want any hanky-panky.
Hey, hey, hey.
Cut that out.
Wet and wonderful God your flood has driven us to the roof of your church.
Surely this has proven whatever point you had.
Oh, God's ignoring me.
Dad, maybe you should stop praying.
See if that makes it happy.
This heretic has doomed us all.
Yeah.
I say we skin him alive and set him on fire.
- Yeah, that'll appease God.
- Appease who now? Whoa, let's get biblical.
Leave that man alone.
It's Reverend Lovejoy.
Let us pray.
Dear Lord, please spare this sinful town.
They were misled by a demon in blue pants.
I guess I learned something here.
God is capable of great anger and great mercy but mostly great anger.
There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened.
The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain.
And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable.
Yeah.
But what made the rain stop? I don't know.
Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough.
Keep that popcorn chicken coming, colonel.
Mm, mm.
Not bad.
I think it's about time for you to tell me what's in those spices.
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Barting Over
The Simpsons s14e11 Episode Script
Barting Over
The Simpsons Barting Over D'oh! Ah! Mm.
Today, we honor three great Americans.
Jazz legend Ornette Coleman.
Playwright Arthur Miller.
Yes.
Yes.
Ha, ha.
And all-around genius, Lisa Simpson.
We're not worthy.
We're not worthy.
- Thank you, Mr.
Cronkite.
- Ah! She knows my name.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight, I'd like to harangue you about the plight of Ugh.
Oh, Mom, why did you wake me up? I dreamt I was at the Kennedy Center Honors.
Well, here's another low-rated annual event: spring-cleaning.
Come on.
Everyone's helping.
You've gotta get rid of those Furbys.
They've turned feral.
Hmm.
This is an interesting old book.
Ooh! Mad Libs.
Hey, a box of old videotapes.
"Marge and Homer Get Dirty"? Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted? I've got something to show you.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
It's such a mess.
Ooh, watch the teeth.
Don't go telling your buddies at work about this.
- Every tape is pumpkin carving.
- Hey, what's this? "Bart Sad.
" If I ever needed proof of the existence of God, here it is.
Balki, you're dancing in the toilet.
What? You never heard of flush dance? Ha, ha.
Perfect Strangers will return after these commercials.
What a beautiful baby.
Ah! What horrible breath.
He's the baby Whose mouth smells like death Run for your life It's Baby Stink-Breath Oh, my God.
That's me.
This isn't "Bart Sad.
" It's "Bart's Ad.
" Wait.
I was in a commercial? I don't remember this at all.
No more Baby Stink-Breath.
Thanks to the Baby So Fresh tri-patch system.
Not safe for babies under 2.
You're Baby Stink-Breath.
You're Baby Stink-Breath.
How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me? I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials.
And you made a lot of money.
I did? Where is it? Your father invested it in a college trust fund which today must be worth a - La-la-la-la-la.
- Hmm.
Of course, the stock market's been down lately.
But there must be some sort of La-la-la-la-la.
Nothing left.
La-la-la-la-la.
You spent all the money I earned? I needed it.
I had to buy back some incriminating photos.
Look.
See? You're fine.
And then, whoops! Uh-oh.
Look out.
I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero.
See? Watch.
I saved you.
You stole my money! Bart, stop that.
That's okay.
His cute little hands can't even fit around my neck.
He Now he's got it.
Bart, the larynx is not a plaything.
Mom, I am sick of the way he treats me.
He disrespects me and I'm just supposed to accept it? Right.
You're mine until you're 18.
When you're 17, I'm gonna know the end is near so I'm gonna work you like a dog.
So my dad blew all the money I made from that embarrassing commercial.
Promise me you won't tell anyone.
I won't.
But these things have a way of getting out.
Ha, ha, Baby Stink-Breath.
It was worth it.
I just wish there was some way to get back at my dad.
When my mom wants to get back at my dad, she uses her lawyer.
- Does it make him cry? - More than normal.
Hey, son.
I've got tickets for the circus.
Hmm, "Badger, Haggle and Bill.
" "Luvum and Burnham, Family Law.
" "Hackey, Joke and Dunnit.
" Bingo.
I want a divorce from my parents.
You wha? I said, I want a divorce from my parents.
I heard you.
I was calling my secretary.
Uwa, get me the standard child-divorcing-parent form.
Yes, sir.
I heard a wonderful saying today, "Forgive and forget.
" Yes.
At times like this, I just look at my bracelet.
Good point, Dad.
What would Jesus do? Jesus? I thought it was Geppetto.
Aw, pfft.
- Who is it? - I'm here to serve you with a subpoena.
Well, I'm not opening the door.
It comes with a side of bacon.
- Is it crispy? - Yes.
- But not too crispy? - No.
Unh.
See you in court.
Bart, you're suing us? - Yes.
I wanna be emancipated.
- Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude? No, Dad.
It means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
I wanted a sewing room but not like this.
Not like this.
Mom, you've always been cool to me.
But Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him.
I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
Hey.
My IV is empty.
And my catheter is full.
Mm-hm.
Hmm.
- See you tomorrow.
- But you Bart, using this doll, tell the court where your father took money from you.
Here and here.
Let the records show that he pulled out the pockets of the doll.
Mr.
Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger-management problem.
Why, you little Uh, I'm sorry, judge.
That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
Could the stenographer please read the previous statement? - "Why, you little" - Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little All rise for the verdict.
Son, I just want you to know whatever that judge decides I'm gonna be the best dad I can.
No judge would send a preteen out on his own Whoo-hoo! You're still mine.
And you thought I was a bad dad before except in this case.
That boy's about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack.
Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated.
Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
Mm, garnish.
That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.
What the? Half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife.
- What's left for Moe? - Homer, don't make things worse.
I'll show you worse.
I was told this would be televised! How can I fit my whole life into a suitcase? Maybe if I move that thing there.
Perfect.
Where are you gonna live? With the money Dad's paying me, I rented a loft downtown.
Do you even know what a loft is? - No.
I assume it has hay.
- Oh.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Here's something to remember me by.
- Ow! - Indian burn.
- Look at it.
Aw, that's so sweet.
If I did it right, it's permanent.
Please don't go, Bart.
I'll let you swear in the house.
Everything but the big three.
Sorry, Mom.
I just can't, not as long as he's here.
Oh, honey.
I can't believe this is happening.
I'll miss you so much.
Either give me some of that or let's get going.
Sorry, Mom.
I gotta go.
Go ahead, leave.
You'll come crawling back.
That's right.
Crawling on your knees.
Crawling! He's really gone.
He's gone! Well, here I am, on my own.
And I'm gonna make it, world.
- Be quiet in there! - Some of us are trying to sell drugs! Look out, son.
This one's got a little mustard on it.
Attaboy, we just won the World Series.
You and me together, yeah.
He should've done that with the real Bart when he had the chance.
Being a free man is great, Milhouse.
I can draw on myself.
Boy, I wish I was a free man.
Mom.
Where's Puppy Goo Goo? Oh, Puppy Goo Goo, fetch me a dream.
Ha, ha, boy, it's really empty in here.
Now, calm down.
I'm perfectly safe.
Murder's illegal in this state.
Okay.
That was just my imagination.
Mommy! Not up.
Down.
Oh, I'm gonna die in my jammies.
Say it ain't so, I will not go Turn the lights off, carry me home Hey, it's an emancipated minor.
- What's your name? - I'm Bart Simpson and Hey, are you skateboarding legend Tony Hawk? That's what my business cards say.
Oh, wait.
That's my old phone number.
You live in this building? When I'm not on the road or in rehab for my pelvis.
I hope you don't mind living below pro skaters who like to party.
- I'll adjust.
- Hey, Blink-182.
- We have names.
- Whatever.
You can crank it up.
Dude, let's trash this place.
After we get paid.
Nice.
Oh, man, this is the greatest night of my life.
If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad.
He can.
There's a webcam right there.
Of all the sites on all the web, I had to click onto his.
Darn it.
I keep pouring juice for five.
Ha, ha, did you see that? Your mom thinks you're still here.
Oh, tomorrow's the day the judge said we can visit Bart.
I think he might come home if we can show him we can treat him better.
For your information, I've been taking steps to become a better father.
For the past week, I've been carrying around this bag of sugar.
It's taught me how to love and care for a child.
What the? Where the hell is my sugar? Condoleezza Marie ain't too playful tonight.
And I don't remember her being this granulated.
Can I put your baby in my coffee? Well, the doctor said you eat any more baby they gonna take your foot.
Thanks for the lift, Tony Hawk.
I gotta go now, Tony Hawk.
- Cool guy, Tony Hawk.
- Bart, you know Tony Hawk? Please, I'm trying to keep it quiet.
Catch you later, Tony Hawk.
Stay cool, Brett.
I don't think this is a good place for a 10-year-old boy.
Here's $5.
Buy yourself a suit and get busy.
I'll buy a suit of drugs! Hi, guys.
Dad.
Hello, son.
You're looking well.
Wow, this place is great.
That couch looks really pricey.
Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.
Of course, because you wouldn't want to I paid for your splendor, you And for every syringe I find, I get a dollar.
- Well, that's great, honey.
- Unh.
You know, son, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I was wrong to exploit you and I won't do it again.
Thanks, Dad.
That means a lot to me.
You think you might see your way clear to moving back in with your ma and me? Sorry.
No can do.
I'm taking off for six months to join the Skewed Tour.
Skewed Tour? The traveling festival of rock 'n' roll, skateboarding and extreme sports? - And nipple piercing.
- Aah! Don't worry.
They're clip-ons.
Behold the delightful unicorn I got at the face painting pavilion.
Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.
- He's suffered enough.
- Yeah.
But on the other hand Just a reminder, people if you're getting bogus returns on your investments contact Goldman Sachs, the Skewed financial planners.
Up next on the halfpipe, boarding legend Tony Hawk.
Up next on the halfpipe, boarding legend Tony Hawk.
Psst, Mr.
Hawk, may I have a word with you? - An extreme word? - Sure.
My son is Bart Simpson and! I didn't say extreme to the max.
Sorry.
I just wanna win my son back so badly.
I can relate.
I'm a father myself.
Oh, one day, they're little shredders.
The next day, they're grinding their way to college.
Yeah, I make up words too.
I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest so I can be a hero to my boy again.
I'll lose millions in endorsements, but okay.
This board represents the ultimate in poser technology.
- It gives the illusion they have talent.
- Groovy.
Lock your feet in, the board does all the work.
All the work? Fine.
I'll lift you onto the board too.
Do it without the attitude or don't do it at all.
Now the portion of our event where champion Tony Hawk may be challenged by any unknown member of the audience.
I'm challenging you, Hawk in front of all these outcasts and dreamers who can't even get into the Army, if you can believe it.
Dad, how drunk are you? Not very.
You're going down, Homer.
Then back up.
Then down.
Back up again.
That's how the game is played.
I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this.
It's 300, Mom.
I could've sworn it was 302.
Shh.
Now to win back my son in comfort and style.
You know, I could save money by buying separate nuts and mixing them at home.
Man, I wanted him to look good, but not to show me up.
It's time to take out the thrash.
Take that.
Woo-hoo! I rule this pseudo-sport.
Come back to me, boy.
Dad, you don't understand.
This was never about being cool, it was about you not caring how I felt.
Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid.
Homer, you're heading for parental face-plant.
Do a 180 emotional ollie.
Finally.
Someone explains it to me in words I can understand.
Look, boy.
I know I did wrong and I'm truly sorry.
I put you in humiliating commercials for money which I spent on myself.
I just wish I had an opportunity to make things right.
Mr.
Simpson, I like the way you handled yourself on that board.
Would you like to do a commercial? Anything.
As long as I can give the money to my son.
Excellent.
I represent Viagrogaine, the topical rub for bald, impotent men.
Well, I am bald and important.
Where do I sign? Well, I am bald and important.
Where do I sign? Oh, Steve, you're everything a girl could want.
What's your secret? Well, Cathy, I'll tell you.
It's Viagrogaine.
It gives you lots of hair and what you need down there.
What are you waiting for, loser? Side effects include loss of scalp and penis.
- What did they say about my scalp? - Don't worry, Dad.
It's a commercial.
No one will remember this in 50 years.
Ha, ha!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  I'm Spelling As Fast As I Can
The Simpsons s14e12 Episode Script
I'm Spelling As Fast As I Can
The Simpsons I'm Spelling As Fast As I Can D'oh! Ah! Whoo-hoo! Welcome to Matinee of Blood and Commercials.
I am your hostess, Booberella.
Our first fright flick is 1983's Frankenstein and the Harlem Globetrotters Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals.
I can't just sit here watching this junk.
That's better.
If you watch closely you might recognize a young Ray Romano.
All right, Frankenstein, that's a three-second violation.
Don't blame Frankenstein.
Me made from corpses of Denver Nuggets.
Now for the first of our 82 commercial breaks.
Then you can see more of my boobs.
It's nice to see a realistic single woman on TV.
Hello, Springfield.
Come to my back-to-school parking-lot blowout.
School's starting, Bart.
Aren't you excited? This year, you learn about local history.
We've got first-rate school supplies at Third World prices at the Kwik-E-Mart, where we believe in America.
Please don't beat me up anymore.
Bad news.
Ray Romano has sued to prevent the showing of the movie.
Watch this commercial for Krusty Burger while I appeal this temporary injunction.
Like a rib It tastes like liberty Like a rib With a bun of sesame We start with authentic letter-graded meat and process the hell out of it till it's good enough for Krusty.
Try my new Krusty Ribwich.
Mm.
I don't mind the taste.
Ooh, a new hamburger sandwich.
Wow, I can't wait to pack that into my colon.
Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods.
School's back in session Let's begin our lessons This year, he gets it in the back.
Uh, Willie, did you get the letter about your pay cut? Aye.
There'll be many a cut this year.
Indeed there will.
Budget-wise of course.
- Nelson, how was your summer? - Sucked.
- What'd you do? - Space Camp.
At ease, Cadet Nelson.
Good to be back on terra firma, eh? How about I launch my foot into your butt? I held your hair when you barfed in the simulator.
Shut up, commander.
Welcome back, children.
We've all had fascinating summers.
I was the maitre d' at the Springfield Country Club.
My dad says you were a busboy.
You mean your dad, the raging alcoholic? Um, we better get down to business.
As this is a non-leap year, we're a day behind.
Come on, man.
Everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
Well, if by wank you mean educational fun then stand back, it's wanking time.
Let's get the year rolling with an all-school spelling bee.
Whoo-hoo! Ugh, I guess I won't be popular this year either.
Bart, your word is "imply.
" Imply.
I-M-P Bart said I am pee.
He's made of pee.
Well, I got my laugh.
I'm out of here.
I made Bart in my pants.
Well, we're down to our last two students.
Milhouse, your word is "choke.
" Oh, I know this one.
It's so easy.
F Oh, man! Stop laughing.
It will scar him for life.
It is kind of infectious.
Lisa, "impugn.
" I-M-P - Hey, Lisa said she was - Unh, shut up, Pee.
U-G-N.
Impugn.
That's right.
Lisa Simpson, you're school champion.
Wow, I better make the most of this.
- Free Tibet! - There'll be time for that later.
Now you concentrate on representing our school at the state spelling finals.
Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! And here's your prize for today a scale model of the planet Mars.
This is just a kickball with "Mars" written on it.
Behold, the Red Planet.
It was so exciting.
I actually got applause for being smart.
Mars, eh? Hmm.
I see no evidence of water.
Well, this is very impressive, Lisa.
I'm kicking this right onto the mantle.
Well, I'm not done yet.
Principal Skinner said if I win the state finals I can go to the Spellympics.
I'm just happy you're excited about something besides saving the whales.
Face it, they're doomed.
- Hey, hey, the Ribwich is back.
- The Ribwich.
The commercials have come to pass.
Try the new Ribwich.
It's so good you'll croak.
You seem like an impartial observer.
But I've been fooled by so many people in costumes.
Try the sauce.
I'm soaked in it.
I could lick you all day long.
And yet my children think I'm a failure.
- One Ribwich, please.
- Mm-hm.
Hmm.
"Now without lettuce.
" Sir, are you all right? I have eaten the ribs of God.
Drool cleanup at Register 4.
- "Ameliorate.
" - Could you use it in a sentence? "Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.
" I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.
A-M-E-L-I-O-R-A-T-E.
Ameliorate.
Correct.
Lisa, you just won the state finals.
Diphthongs, cognates, Latin roots Lisa clobbers all you fruits Oh, our little girl's got her own cheering section.
- Hey, who doesn't? - You tell her, big H.
- You the man.
- Ah, you ain't so hot.
Lisa, I'm so impressed you're state champ.
Finally, a Simpson has a trophy without a bowling ball on it.
Well, why don't we celebrate by going to a movie? That sounds like a magical family moment.
I'm sorry I won't be there.
Really? It won't be the same without you, Dad.
Oh, sweetie.
You're the most important thing to me in the world.
Only very serious daddy business can tear me from your side.
Three Ribwiches, please.
And instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.
I'm sorry, sir.
The Ribwich was for a limited time only.
Not again.
First, you took away my Philly Fudge Steak and then my Bacon Balls, then my Watcha-ma-chicken.
You monster.
I'd like a large fries, please.
And a collector's cup.
If you want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets.
Check out the tour schedule.
Wow, this is amazing.
I could follow the Ribwich from town to town.
That's what we do.
We're Ribheads.
Maybe I should hook up with you guys.
After all, how long do any of us have to live? If you like the Ribwich, not very.
D'oh! Lisa, to honor Springfield Elementary's shining star we are granting you a doublewide locker.
- Your books will actually fit in this one.
- Hey, my locker's gone.
Your effects have been moved to Willie's shack.
Come along, lad.
And lose your books.
They won't help you where you're going.
In business news, 3M and M&M have merged to form, get this, Ultradyne Systems.
And speaking of news stories, here's another.
Springfield's spelling phenom Lisa Simpson has qualified for spelling's answer to the Olympics the Spellympics.
In a related story, the Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix "lympics.
" This has gotta be the slowest news day ever.
Ah, that's better.
Paris is no more.
The legendary City of Lights has been extinguished forever as a Okay, champ.
I before E, except after C.
Except when pronounced like A, as in "neighbor" and "weigh.
" Really? Hmm? Well, what about in the sentence "Jim Nabors is way cool"? - How often is that gonna come up? - It's on my apron.
Yeah.
I got work to do.
Hey, lookie.
It's that young'un what sorts them squiggles into words.
Can you spell "scabies"? S-C-A-B-I-E-S.
Rubella, we got you a middle name.
You ain't supposed to hold her like that.
- Spell "AC/DC.
" - A-C-D-C.
Uh-uh.
You forgot the lightning bolt.
- "Relapse.
" - R-E-L-A-P-S-E.
That's what beer has done to me.
Sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
L-I-S-A! L-I-S-A! Thank you.
I've never felt more accepted.
Perhaps one day, people who spell correctly will replace athletes at the top of our national pantheon.
Boo! Ha, ha, I was just K-I-D-D-I-N-G.
Hmm? Come on, dimples.
Spell something else for us.
- I'm a little tired.
- Oh, come on.
Hey, spell "Little Miss She-Thinks-She's-So-Big.
" Ugh, very well.
L-I-T-T-L-E M-I-S-S I ain't got time for this.
I got a bar to run.
Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiad.
I'm George Plimpton, founder of The Paris Review.
I also played the evil dean in Boner Academy.
You monster.
Why did you expel Boogerman? He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus.
Ha, ha, that was awesome.
And now in the ancient spelling-bee tradition we shall release the bees.
And now to exterminate the bees, the magnificent Blue Angels.
Ooh.
I put a spell on you It's so exciting.
It's like living in a dictionary.
Because you're mine Ha, ha, he's an aserose.
Really? He possesses the properties of a pine needle? Look, I didn't bring a Game Boy.
This is all I got.
A-N-T-H-R-A-X.
Anthrax.
Aw.
He's adorable.
I'd sure like to tuck that in at night.
Well, we're down to our three finalists: Lisa Sun Moon and Alex.
We will crown our champion tomorrow.
Now please enjoy our unlicensed knockoff of the Olympic anthem.
Congratulations, sweetie.
You're in the finals.
Well, I'm just happy you guys all came up here to Calgary with me.
I'm sorry, honey.
I can't be here tomorrow.
It's the last day the Ribwich is in San Francisco.
Dad, this is my moment in the sun.
How can you miss it to be with a sandwich? You don't understand.
It's not just a sandwich.
It's about brotherhood.
It's about freedom.
It's about three days since I've had one.
I'm getting the shakes and I'm getting the fries.
Don't worry, honey.
You can win without him.
I guess I'll have to.
Then I'll be queen of the world! Of spelling.
That's right, queen of the world! Of spelling.
Lisa, may I see you privately for a moment? This can only be good.
Lisa, competitive spelling has fallen on hard times.
Today's students would rather watch Ozzy Osbourne.
"Look at me, I'm a drug addict.
Ho, ho, ho.
" Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir.
That's a good girl.
But if spelling is to compete, it needs a charismatic champion.
Someone like me back when I was a white-haired little boy.
- Well, I haven't won yet.
- Nor shall you.
- What? - The future of our very sport is at stake.
And we want the gold medal to go to him.
Who? Alex? - The boy that everybody loves? - Yes.
He's crowd-pleasing and he's cute.
Women in the audience toss their thick glasses at him.
I'm not throwing a spelling bee.
I'll die before I misspell.
Be reasonable, Lisa.
If you take a dive, we'll guarantee you a scholarship to the Seven Sisters college of your choice.
- Oh, free college? - And a hot plate.
It's perfect for soup.
Throw the bee and go to college.
Throw the bee and go to college.
We are the Seven Sisters, and you could attend any one of us.
Like Barnard, Columbia's girl next door.
- Come to Radcliffe, meet Harvard men.
- Come to Wellesley, marry them.
No, party with me.
- Or non-conform with me.
- Huh? - Play lacrosse with me.
- Or explore with me.
Mm.
No, I don't wanna pay for college by throwing a spelling bee.
Give in, Lisa.
- Get a free ride.
- And a hot plate.
- Free ride.
Free ride.
Free ride.
- And a hot plate.
- What is it, sweetie? - Mom, I'm having a crisis of conscience.
Can you and Dad afford to send me to college? Oh, sure.
I mean, not on your father's salary.
- But I could, um, give piano lessons.
- But you don't play the piano.
I just gotta stay one lesson ahead of the kid.
Well, I suppose I could just skip college and marry Milhouse.
I know this is a fantasy, but I'll take it.
Ha, ha.
No, forget it.
No! I'll never be this happy again! Hey, man, can you turn me on? Hey, don't borgnine my sandwich.
Hey, hey.
It's the guy from the drive-through.
Yeah.
I'd like three Ribwiches, a Diet Coke Will you get out of my? Look, uh, about the Ribwich.
There aren't gonna be any more.
The animal we made them from is now extinct.
- The pig? - The cow? You're way off.
Think smaller.
- Think more legs.
- Ew.
People, we went through something magical together.
It's not important who got rich off of whom or who was exposed to tainted what.
And because you believed in my dream I want you to fight over the last Ribwich ever made.
Here.
Welcome to the real world, hippies.
Wow, what a long, strange product rollout it's been.
Goodbye.
Hmm? Man, you got the last Ribwich.
I'll give you anything for it.
Please.
I'll get you four days and three nights at a Comfort Inn.
Anywhere in the lower 48 states.
Blackout dates, December 19th through January 5th.
I give you the lease to my car.
Ah! Lisa.
Is this what I've come to? Fighting over a stupid sandwich on my daughter's big day? Mister, I'll take that car.
That's nice.
Aha.
Mm, mm.
I have the buyer's remorse.
All right.
Your word is "weather.
" Which one? Can you use it in a sentence? Certainly.
"I don't know whether the weather will improve.
" Uh Ooh.
W Uh, um E Alex, your word is "rigged" as in, "This contest is rigged.
" R-I-G-G-E-D.
Rigged.
Bravo, my pet.
You shall be champion assuming Lisa misspells this next word.
The word is "intransigence.
" - Could I please hear it in a sentence? - Certainly.
"The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice.
" Intransigence.
I Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey.
Dad, you do care.
Damn right.
You're number one on my menu.
Now super size it.
With you here, I can't fail.
Attention, everyone.
I was asked to take a dive, but I won't do it.
I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-A-N-C-E.
You fool, it's E-N-C-E.
Oh, my God, you're right.
I spelled it wrong.
- I tried my best and I failed.
- And now you lose everything.
And I go back to whatever it is I do.
Lisa, honey, you spelled the word wrong but you did the right thing.
Yeah.
You're the number one speller in this car, or in that car or in that car, or Don't look at that car.
My one chance for everyone to like me and I blew it.
Wha? Two cheers for Lisa.
- Hip, hip - Hooray! - Hip, hip - Hooray! Now deep breath and quiet.
You mean you're all still proud of me? Lisa, with second place you're the biggest winner this town ever had.
Before you, it was the woman who dated Charles Grodin.
You have made me feel so wonderful.
Thank you, Springfield.
We've got another surprise for you.
- Ay, caramba.
- Ah! That's amazing.
Thank you.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  A Star is Born Again
The Simpsons s14e13 Episode Script
A Star is Born Again
The Simpsons A Star Is Born Again D'oh! Ah! Come on, come on, let's get to the beach.
Hold your horses.
I was up all night fishing out the drawstring from your father's swimsuit.
It came out again.
Well, I'm all set.
I'm gonna be following the latest designs from Modern Sandcastle Magazine.
Well, I'm all set too.
Then all that's left is to protect Maggie from the sun.
I think she needs a diaper change.
Well, it ain't happening today.
Look, everybody, here they come.
Once again we celebrate Springfield's most beloved event.
For each year, on the third Tuesday of May sweeps we witness the return of the stinging red jellyfish.
What a sight.
It happens every year like the swallows returning to Capistrano.
Or the Fox network getting a new president.
I made a new friend.
I'm going to Africa to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and Santa and gorillas and Daddy, why is everyone so happy the jellyfish are back? Well, in the old days, people thought jellyfish venom had curative properties.
Now we know it just makes things a lot worse.
- Like laser eye surgery? - Exactly.
Jellyfish, along you came And right away I'm stunned Sweet words I long to whisper But you've paralyzed my tongue Oh, what a magical evening.
The moonlight, the music, the water.
Enough talk.
Dip me, my love.
Lower.
Lower.
Lower.
Ah.
This is as romantic as the night I proposed.
Maybe we can have this band play at our wedding.
I was hoping we could use this audio cassette.
- Seymour, we've got to have a band.
- Fine.
But no cake.
Sarah, you're as lovely as the day I first arrested you.
I was so shy.
Ah, well, Sea Captain, looks like you and I are sailing solo tonight? Are you hitting on me? Because I don't do thaton land.
Well, guess I might as well head back to my store.
I got a date with some twins, the state and federal tax forms.
Poor Ned.
This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone.
I know.
And it doesn't get any easier from here.
There's the Tongue Kissing Festival, Cinco de Ocho, the Hobo Oscars.
Days just made for lovers.
Not widowers, lovers.
"Form of business"? Sole proprietorship.
"Owner's marital status"? Happily married to a dead woman.
Excuse me.
Are you open? Mm-hm.
Open as a tomb on Easter.
What can I ding-dong-diddily do for you? Boy, they don't make them like you in L.
A.
Oh, I should say not.
I gave up on L.
A.
when those TV people made that poor nun fly.
All those Puerto Ricans looking up her dress.
That's not right.
Do you have any left-handed eyelash curlers? Do I? No, I don't.
But I can have them here by Tuesday.
Well For now, I'll take a left-handed crimper.
Why, you are gorgeous.
- You don't know who I am, do you? - I sure do.
You're the most important person in the world because you're my customer.
Are you for real? I'm as real as the nose on your face.
Yeah.
Real.
Well, it looks good.
And it sounds pretty too.
Thanks.
I'll see you later.
I'm here for a while and I don't really know anyone.
Would you like to have dinner tomorrow? A woman asking a man out? Well.
Well, why not? And maybe I'll eat my steak with a spoon.
Call me.
I'm staying at the Springfield Four Seasons.
Ask for Zelda Fitzgerald.
What the? That's a pseu-diddilyeudonym.
Well, I've got a date With a girl with no name It sure feels good To be back in the game At dessert Maybe I can ask her her name Because I can't pray for her Without the right name Ba-doo-doo-doo-doo I've got a date with a movie star? Sure you do.
And I'm going apple picking with Scooby-Doo.
Psst! Homer.
Flanders.
Can't a man just drink alone on a Wednesday morning? I need your advice.
It's about a lady.
Ooh.
Ha, ha.
Let me guess.
Skinner's mother? She sure knows how to swing it.
No, it's Sara Sloane.
I have a date with her tonight.
Sara Sloane? The movie star? Yup.
Why would that Twinkie wanna go out with a Ding Dong like me? Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time.
In Europe, they call it a Dinkie.
Well, sir, that's very encouraging, but I can't date a movie star.
I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett.
Now, wait just a minute.
I used to worry Marge was too good for me.
She was always thinking of ways to improve me.
But then part of her died and she doesn't try anymore.
So we're all where we wanna be.
I'm sorry for the disguise, Ned.
I don't wanna cause a commotion.
Excuse me, Miss Sloane.
May I have an autograph? Excuse me, Miss Sloane.
May I have an autograph? - Sure.
- Oh, man, this is going right on eBay.
I mean, my wall, which I will sell on eBay.
Sad to say, this isn't the worst I get.
Oh, oh, can I just push this plastic cast onto one of your boobs? Okay.
Now you are the worst.
Rod says "Marco.
" And darn it if Todd doesn't say "Polo" right back.
Oh, listen to me just running my gums about my kids.
You're probably bored silly.
No.
It's a nice change from all the actors I usually date.
All they wanna talk about is their Botox, their Tae Bo or their Xbox.
Huh.
Sara, there's something I've been dying to do all night.
So let's just get it over with now and hold hands.
Mm.
Heaven's gate.
I'm gonna be tasting you on my moustache for a week.
Wanna try for a month? Mm.
Sara Sloane has been involved with every Tinseltown hunk from Affleck to Zmed.
Well, yeah.
She's had more stars on her than Lisa's homework.
Mm-mm-mm.
Now she's dating Mr.
Flanders.
That's so romantic.
Who the hell is Mr.
Flanders? Oh, Flanders.
Hello.
Yes, I'm Ned Flanders' close personal friend.
That's right.
Hot and heavy.
They've never been happier.
Oh, yeah, she does look pregnant.
Now, who might you be? A tabloid? Is that one of those really strong mints? Hello? Hello? Jesus is the rock That rolls my blues away Shooby-dooby, yeah, shooby-dooby You guys are jamming.
Ah! Daddy, she swore.
You know, I grew up in a house like this.
I didn't know there were people like you left in the world.
Ha, ha, yup.
We occupy that useless mass of land between Los Angeles and New York called America.
Ned, I'm not sure you should open the door.
Oh, if someone took the time to press that button, this is the least I can do.
- Are you sleeping with Sara Sloane? - Is that moustache real? Do you plan to kill Sara like your last wife? It's the tabloids.
Everybody, run.
- Hey, come back.
- Pose, pose.
Your carpeted floor feels good on my toes.
Come on.
Let's concoct more lies.
Zookeeper's Wife, scene 102, take one.
Action.
Kiss me, Diego.
But your husband's animals are watching.
Where do you think I learned to do this? Mm.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This movie is turning into Sponge Bob No Pants.
- Ugh, cut.
- Sir, there's no reason Sara needs to do this scene in the altogether.
Sam, he's got a point.
Katharine Hepburn never showed her breasts.
- There's still time.
- I want a rewrite with no nudity.
All right.
But you're gonna have to kiss a woman.
Deal.
Ned, we won.
Yup.
All we gotta do is turn that woman into a fella - and that kiss into a game of Scrabble.
- You are so sweet to look out for me.
The public may not see me naked but you just might.
Ha, ha, well, that's, uh, very interesting, uh Easy, Ned.
Think of the Bible.
Miss Sloane, I loved you in Sleeping with Pinocchio and Honey, I Scotchgarded the Kids.
Thanks.
I grew really close to the actress who played my daughter.
- I think she's in France or something.
- Hmm.
And, Ned, I haven't seen you this happy in years.
Mm-hm.
I haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election.
Hey, don't blame me.
I voted for the green M&M.
Ah! The paparazzi.
I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow.
Gypsies, tramps and thieves We'd hear it from the people Are you aware your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches.
- Moe, what are you doing here? Can't your old buddy, Moe, stop by with questions from the Weekly World News? Uh, number one: Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak? I'll have you know she pays full price for her watercraft.
- Rainier Wolfcastle.
- My ex-boyfriend.
Sara, Liebchen, take me back.
If tears could burst through my muscular ducts I would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer.
Rainier, you're too jealous.
You beat up Jon Lovitz because he presented me an award.
Oh, come on.
No one misses a handshake that badly.
Sorry.
I found someone nice who doesn't talk like a freak.
Exact-a-tically-tacally.
My libido has been terminated.
Ned, I've never met a man like you.
You're sensitive.
You're in great shape.
You have a moustache.
And yet you're not gay.
Oh, no way.
I won't even eat vegetables over 2 inches long.
So anyway, uh, hmm, your movie's wrapping up soon.
I guess you'll be heading out on the first bus to the airport.
If you ride with a friend, you can save 20 bucks.
Ned, I know this is fast.
When I go back to Hollywood, I want you to come with me.
Ned Flanders in Tinseltown? - Ned, I'm James L.
Brooks.
- Oh, can I call you Jim? James L.
Brooks is good.
How about some sponge cake? - Well, I can't see the harm.
- With a brandy glaze? No! Perhaps you'd like a football game.
- We don't have a team.
- No! Hey, daddy baby.
- We're movie producers now.
- And we're Jewish.
Yay! Sara, I'm sorry.
But I can't move to Hollywood.
Heck, even Dollywood's too far out for me.
Too many people appreciating it ironically.
Well, then I'm staying in Springfield with you for good.
Oh, forgive my language.
But, uh, I'm one happy camper.
Mm.
Dude, what's it like kissing a movie star? What's it like kissing a woman? - What seems to be the problem, officer? - Problem is I can't seem to get an agent.
Ha.
Could you give your girlfriend my headshot? Uh, that's me as a greaser, emperor of China, Eleanor Roosevelt very regal, and now just plain me with an eye patch.
I'll give it to my agent.
I don't do TV.
Sure is nice to be shopping for a woman again.
Last thing I bought for a lady was a casket.
Sir, would you ask your sweetheart to sign her autograph for me? Well, of course Wait a minute.
This is to adopt two of your kids.
Oh, so it is.
I've already dumped three on Mia Farrow.
Sucker.
Look.
It's celebrity boy toy, Ned Flanders and his arm candy, Sara Sloane.
Miss Sloane, how are you handling the change from la-la land to blah-blah land? Lisa, Springfield isn't a cultural wasteland.
Part of Stroker Ace was filmed at our airport.
And, um Oh, there's our ladies' book club.
Sara, you're welcome to come.
Oh, I'd love to.
Another scoop.
Sara Sloane to attend girl-on-girl book club.
Ho-ho, Moe, you lovable loser.
You just made yourself $5.
Whoo-hoo! Today's book is Bridget Jones's Diary.
Now, let's go around the room and analyze why we didn't read it.
- Cramps.
- All my friends are dead.
Well, then, I guess it's time for margaritas.
Well, I wish someone had read the book since I did invite the author - Helen Fielding.
- Oh, never mind.
As long as they bought the book, I'll get the money.
Besides, most Americans can't understand the sophisticated subtlety of British humor.
I bid you good day.
Hop to it, honey.
If we get to the Pops concert early we can give up our seats to some old people.
Daddy, where do babies come from? Sweetie, that's not the kind of dress you wear outdoors or indoors or in a dirty dream.
Oh, loosen up, honey.
This dress just creates the illusion of nudity.
Well, Siegfried and Roy create a lot of illusions but I doubt their girlfriends dress like that.
She should be ashamed.
That's disgusting.
Don't look, Seymour.
- I'm a veteran, Mother.
- A veteran bed wetter.
Mother.
Sara, I hate to say it, but your top's upstaging the Pops.
Fine.
I'll wear your stupid jacket.
Ah.
Oh! Ah.
Oh! Ah.
Oh! Ah.
Sara, I love you, but I get the feeling you're just not a Ned-head tonight.
Is something wrong? Actually, there is something.
The time we've spent together has been wonderful but I want sex with you.
Uh, well, that's, uh, a mighty big kettle of, uh premarital, uh, doodly.
Ha, ha.
I knew you'd say that.
I need a glass of wine.
Oh! Ah.
This is quite a dil-diddly-lemma.
I better talk this over with the big man.
Homer, Sara wants us to have S-E-X.
Stupid Flanders, I'm not giving you any of my secret moves.
Well, I'm not sure I wanna do it.
I mean, who will buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You know, the cow being me.
Flanders, I'm always interested in talking about free milk.
And if there's cookies involved, so much the better.
Hmm.
Ned, look.
I know I said I wanted this.
But I don't want you to do anything - you're uncomfortable with.
- I consulted my Bible and found verses supporting what you wanna do and a lot of verses against it.
What does that one say, Ned? It says a man should make restitution if he eats his neighbor's grain.
And that's good enough for me.
Whoa.
Wow.
That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.
- That's what Maude used to say.
- A girl could get used to that.
Well, and you will right after the wedding.
You wanna get married? Mm-hm.
That's right.
I'm like Baskin-Robbins.
You get one free taste, then you gotta buy the scoop.
Ned, I love you.
But I'm not ready to be tied down.
I love you too.
And I always will.
But unlike the Bible I guess this ain't gonna have a happy ending.
I'm sorry.
Oh, darn the luck.
That sounds like the Lupus Fun Run.
Ha, ha! Fight Lupus.
Screen siren Sara Sloane shocked Tinseltown last night with a midnight marriage to Gosford Park megahunk, Bob Balaban.
This was followed three hours later by a quickie divorce.
Ah.
I bet we would have lasted twice that long.
Poor Ned, gardening away his misery.
His answer's not at the bottom of a hedge.
Hey, Hollywood, call me.
My number's on the bench.
It's the darnedest thing.
Women love you when you've dated a movie star.
I'm very happy for you, Ned.
Me too.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Helen Fielding.
Jellyfish I held you close And told you I love you But then The ocean took you back And now I just hold goo Jellyfish I held you close And said Thatl love you But then The ocean took you back My jelly I'll miss you For now I just hold goo
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington
The Simpsons s14e14 Episode Script
Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington
The Simpsons Mr.
Spritz Goes to Washington D'oh! Ah! We return to a late episode of The Three Stooges: "Brittle Boneheads.
" - There.
- Unh.
Take it easy, Moe.
He don't have health insurance.
Take that, you You, um - Chowderhead? - Thanks, for nothing, unh.
Ha, ha, that was my paralyzed side.
Oh, stroke victim, eh? Unh.
Please, Moe.
I don't wanna do this no more.
Get up, Curly Four.
- Curly Four? - I need a quarter for the bus.
Droll.
Hmm? Hmm Hmm.
Mm, mm.
Promo.
Ew! Fox.
Now, I got you Unh, not the swear jar.
It's the only thing holding back the filth.
Nutty fudgkins.
Do you hear a noise? What? Why is that jet flying so close to our house? Why don't you ask those guys? If I stop pedaling, I'll die.
But it still beats U.
S.
Air, ha, ha.
The people there don't know how to make a flight.
They must've moved the flight paths over our house.
This is a private jet.
Why do we gotta watch The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood? The boss.
He's got a thing for the ya-yas.
Why was I born a man? Ew! I got Bart's veal.
I got Lisa's plankton kebobs.
Ew! Marge germs.
Maggie, give me that.
How much longer is this going to go on? Get out of my airspace.
Dad, why don't you go to the airport authority and complain? I'm on my way.
You man the rake.
This is not a Delta hub.
Go up to Room 915 and ask for form 1790.
We've already been to Room 915.
We've already filled out form 1790.
It was an application to open a Cinnabon stand.
Look, can you please just tell us why you've changed the flight paths? Uh, look, they were changed because it disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.
- Vote Quimby.
Vote Quimby.
- Vote Quimby.
Ahh! Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.
Thanks a million, Joe.
You're the swellest.
That's your voice? Now, I regret building you that opera house.
There has to be a solution that pleases everyone.
From ducks and trees to you's and me's.
Are you threatening a government official? - No.
- Good.
Because we're the government.
We make the laws.
We print the money.
And we breed the super-soldiers.
So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes and remember, you didn't hear about super-soldiers.
There's the 1050 from Newark.
The 1052 from Phoenix, connecting from Dallas.
The 1055 from Portland is running late.
Again.
There it is.
Ha, ha.
Homer, we haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks.
The dog has eaten all its hair.
And the fixtures won't stay in one place.
I've had this dream before.
I never thought I would say this.
But I think we have to move.
Never.
Stay plugged in.
I will find you.
Cookie, think you can sell this house? Well, it'll be tough, but I can do it.
Cookie's number one on the West Side.
- But this is the East Side.
- Who is this lady? Hmm, hmm? Why are you selling your house? Occasionally you might hear a faint roar.
See? It all works out.
I'll give you three crayons and my milk.
It's a good offer.
I advise you to take it.
Hmm, make that a chocolate milk and you got a deal.
I'm walking away.
We can't sell the house.
We can't live here.
What are we going to do? Why don't we go to our congressman? That's a great idea.
Why didn't you say something before? I've been saying it for three weeks, but every time I open my mouth - What? - What? The shaking's so bad, all my omelets have become frittatas.
That's the saddest story I've heard in my 75 years of public service.
It makes my blood boil and my left arm feel numb.
Also I taste copper.
Quick.
Someone perform CPR.
Uh I see a bad moon rising - That's CCR.
- Uh, uh It looks like we're in for nasty weather Congressman Wilcox was laid to rest today.
Special election will be held to fill his seat.
I guess there's only one way out of our problems: A murder/suicide pact.
How can you say that? It's just an expression, Marge.
You're watching Channel 6 Springfield's home of Krusty the Klown.
Now on three times a day.
Because at Channel 6, we got nothing else.
Hey, Krusty should run for Congress.
He could help us with the airplanes.
Yeah, and entertainers are always winning elections.
Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, Sonny Bono, Gopher from Love Boat.
Mary Bono Sure I'll help you, kid.
Take a picture of me and my number one dying fan.
Ha, ha.
Have your mom mail back the hat after, uh, you know I'm not dying.
Yeah, that's the spirit.
Keep fighting.
Where's my chai latte? Krusty, we need you to run for Congress.
Congress? But I hate the government.
They've been on my back like hump on granny.
IRS, ATF, Immigration Immigration? Oh, uh, Teeny here is from Brazil.
His uncle was the head monkey at the Bureau of Tourism.
But if you get elected, you can change all that stop those airplanes from flying over my house.
Yeah.
I could even tell the FCC to take a hike.
Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air.
Oh, all the good ones.
Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.
It's doing 13 while she's elevening your five.
- Can I keep this? - Sure, no 12 off my ass.
Welcome, fellow Republicans.
To start with, Brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.
"All Millard Fillmore Schools are now Ronald Reagans.
The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan.
And my good friend Frankenstein is now Frankenreagan.
Bleh! Excellent.
Now, to the matter at hand.
Whom will we put up for young Wilcox's Congressional seat? Gentlemen, I am your candidate.
Maybe Bob Dole should run.
Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should.
Bob Dole likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
We want Krusty We want Krusty Uh, just one thing.
Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged "indiscretions"? Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous? Russian hooker.
You tell me.
Oh, no problem.
We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
I did find out one fact: she was a guy.
Well, if Eddie Murphy can go on to do Dr.
Dolittle I suppose we can make this work.
Congratulations, Krusty.
You're running for Congress.
Why don't you pound that sign into your own lawn? Eh, I'm still undecided.
I vow to reach out to the Latino community.
- Aie-yai-yai! - What'd I say? You said, "You're going to vomit on their mother's graves.
" Oh, so that's why my maid quit.
I was the first clown to put a woman in sketches.
Miss Bada Boom Boom Boom.
She had more acting talent in one boob than most women have in their entire rack.
Hmm Aw.
Yeah, you with the million-dollar gams.
Don't you see? He's pointing out how sexist men can be.
Yeah, listen to the tomato with the melons.
Hmm.
Oh, three-bean salad.
Sorry.
You can't join us.
This is a hundred-dollar-a-plate fundraiser.
For 200, you get a picture with me.
For a thousand, I can have somebody whacked.
Uh, it's a joke.
When you give me that look, it's a joke.
I'll have some more salad.
This is Kent Brockman with a special live report from the headquarters of Krusty opponent John Armstrong.
How can I prove we're live? Penis.
Now, here's the candidate.
Krusty is an insensitive bore, unfit for public office.
Take a look at this incredibly offensive sketch from his show.
I shall now call the roll.
France.
Oh, my cheese, she stinks.
No, wait.
It's me.
- Jamaica.
- Hey, man.
I call for a joint session.
This vote is dreadlocked.
San Francisco.
Hello there, sailor.
I'm here and fabulous.
Now, I'd like to make a motion.
Woo! You can't judge me by that sketch.
It was a different time, 1998.
Those jets keep going lower and lower.
Sorry.
Krusty, we're desperate here.
We need you to turn your campaign around.
Is it the Jewish thing? Because I can change that.
I'm Carlton Witherspoon III.
Where's my five iron? Krusty, I don't usually give advice to Republicans.
But it would be nice to be on the winning side for once.
You have to start making an honest connection with the voters.
Talk about how you can help regular families, like ours.
Help regular families, make an honest connection.
Krusty, why did you just drop your pants? I needed a joke to go out on.
Let me tell you all a story.
When the network offered me I threw my caviar in their face.
No.
Connect.
Uh, because I was thinking about the American family.
One family in particular who was stepped on by the government and had nowhere else to turn.
- Boring.
- I'm talking about the Simpsons.
Let him speak.
You know what? I'll never stop fighting for them.
Or for any other family that needs someone to stand up for them.
I like that clown.
He's really looking out for me, the average Joe Sixtooth.
Where'd you get yourself another tooth? Sidewalk.
If you send me to Washington, you'll all have a voice.
A voice that will go: Ahooga! Wah-wah! Wacka-wacka-wacka! Krusty.
Krusty.
People, tell me your problems.
I'll fix them all.
The government wants to shut me down the pipes under my toilet don't lead nowhere.
Elect me and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow.
I gotta go.
Don't forget to vote.
And watch out for the 612.
Welcome to Fox News.
Your voice for evil.
We'll be interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield's 24th Congressional district.
For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer, Krusty the Klown.
And for the Democrats, this guy.
I have a name.
Yes, I'm sure you do, comrade.
I do appreciate your being here, you're usually so mired in sleaze it must be an effort to come down to the studio.
- May I say something? - Certainly, congressman.
He hasn't won yet.
You make a very adulterous point.
We will now conclude this debate with a Krusty campaign commercial.
When a man loves his country Like Krusty loves America Krusty the Klown, the man from funny.
I've brought laughter to your homes three days a week, 18 weeks a year for 12 of the past 25 years.
But whenever America has needed me, I've been there.
Photographs have been modified to include Krusty.
Election night is so exciting.
I'm on pins and needles.
And I'm on Pepto and Xanax.
I'm so nervous, I kissed my dog and gave my girlfriend a flea bath.
Laugh it up.
That joke cost me a thousand bucks.
We're ready to announce a winner in Springfield's 24th Congressional District.
Yay! I won.
I'm a senator.
- Congressman.
- Whatever.
I swear to uphold and protect the Constitution of these United States.
So relax, gun nuts.
I can't touch you.
I'd like to introduce a bill banning air travel over residential areas.
Hey, hey.
What are you? An idiot? Freshmen congressmen don't introduce squat.
You gotta pee in a bucket until your second term.
But how am I supposed to serve my constituents? You can start by scrubbing off some of this Capitol Hill graffiti.
You got a lot of work ahead of you.
Grover Cleveland sucks what? Leave that, lest we forget.
Someone on this fakakta committee's gotta care about my Air Traffic bill.
I'm sorry, congressman.
But this is a committee for designing dollar coins no one will use.
I say we make them out of chocolate.
Kids eat them.
Why fight it? Oh, I need some air.
Do you need some hot air? We congressmen are full of it.
I blather on for hours.
Yap-yap-yap-yap-yap-yap! There he is.
Krusty, we came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.
Uh, let's see.
Did I promise to be a slave to big oil? - No.
- Well, then none.
Krusty, I can't believe you're giving up.
I thought you'd make a difference.
I voted for you.
How could you vote? You're only 10.
This is not about me.
Or how many times I voted.
You were gonna get rid of the airplanes over our house.
And now they're worse than ever.
Krusty, you've let everyone down.
And even worse, you let down this sacred document.
You're right.
It's time I made a difference.
Dad, this is a kid's menu where you help Yogi Bear get to the Washington Monument.
Stained with the blood of American patriots.
- That's jelly.
- From the unknown toaster.
I came here for a reason.
And I will not be silent until Hey, where is everybody? No one usually shows up unless there's a vote.
- Well, then why are you here? - I steal stuff when everyone's gone.
My Christmas shopping's done.
- Poor Krusty.
- We gotta do something to help him.
Yeah.
And to make things even more suspenseful our plane leaves in a half-hour.
Excuse me.
I think I can help.
I've been working in this town for a long time and, well, I know how to get things done.
Beat it, Waxie.
No.
Let's hear him out.
He looks a little like Walter Mondale.
Yeah, looks like.
Let's just say I know how a bill becomes law.
Oh, that's easy.
First it's introduced, then it goes to committee, then Wrong.
That's wrong.
Now, I'll show you how things really work around here.
Sorry, Krusty.
But there's no way I'm letting your airline rerouting bill out of committee.
Congressman, I have a tape here of you using your free mail privilege to send a get-well card to your aunt.
Ah! If they hear about this in Modesto, I'm ruined.
Maybe I wanted to be caught.
Now, Homer, that southern congressman is your biggest obstacle.
Your job is to drink him under the table so he misses the vote.
You think you can do it? Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon.
How about a drinking contest, boy? Right after I vote on the latest bill.
- How about before? - Ha! You remind me of my high school drinking coach.
Now, enough talking.
Let's drink.
Now, your job is to attach Krusty's bill to a more popular bill.
One that can't fail.
The House will now consider the Flags for Orphans bill.
Okay, paperclip, do your stuff.
Now, we just need a distraction.
You call this a bicameral legislature? I say, I say, my groin.
We will now vote on the Flags for Orphans and Airline Rerouting Bill? Oh, well, it's paper-clipped.
Chairman Hayes, any objections? Congressman Beauregard? Hmm? I don't wanna fight no Union.
- All in favor? - Aye.
Motion carried.
The system works.
I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington.
And the reason it worked is because you all did your part.
But I didn't do anything.
I just passed the bill in three hours.
Quit complaining.
At last those planes are flying where they belong.
That's right, over the homes of poor people.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  C. E. D'oh
The Simpsons s14e15 Episode Script
C. E. D'oh
The Simpsons C.
E.
D'oh D'oh! Ah! One, two, three o'clock Four o'clock rock, Five, six, seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock Nuts to you, copper.
You're gonna be just fine.
Hello, Scratchy.
- The Big Bopper? - Ritchie Valens? Buddy Holly? No! So, kids, it's Valentine's Day, and you know what that means.
You get to stay downstairs watching TV with the sound turned way up.
What about you and Mom? Oh, we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making lovely rope ladders - in case there's a fire.
- Oh, okay.
Children, so naive.
- What? - Who's naive? I didn't say anything.
So naive.
Mm This is so romantic.
Oh, my darling, nothing is too romantic for you.
Have some more liquor.
That's it.
Drink up, my pretty.
Thanks for the love tip, 60 Minutes II.
Mm, funky.
Hey there, Little Red Riding Hood.
I ate your granny.
And now I'm in the mood for love.
Oh, Homie, I'm sorry.
You know I usually bring my A game to the bedroom.
But tonight, I just can't throw the heat.
But it's Saint Valentine's Day.
God wants us to do it.
You're so cute when you're begging for sex but I'm just too tired.
Well, my special mixtape will get you going.
Oh, no.
That's Maggie's mixtape.
Then Maggie must have gotten You're my sex bomb And baby, you can turn me on Shut down on Valentine's Day.
That's supposed to be a gimme.
Game over.
Everyone but me.
Thanks for waking me for the bookmobile, Terrence.
Oh, Marge doesn't think I'm sexy.
What am I supposed to do? Hmm Suicide, eh? Hmm? That's it.
Thank you, outdoor advertising.
You've saved my marriage, and not for the first time.
"Releasing your inner screenplay.
" "Create an online kennel.
" Ooh! "Strip for your wife.
" Well, I'm here to win back Brandine.
She been making eyes at that photographer what come to document our squalor.
Welcome to How to Strip for Your Wife.
Dr.
Hibbert? You're the teacher? Oh, yes.
I put myself through medical school dancing under the name Malcolm Sex.
I pleased the ladies by any means necessary.
Now, let's start with a full review of the theory of stripping.
Paleosexologists tell us that What the hell are you doing? - Homer, are you already oiled? - Three coats.
That oil was for the entire class.
Homer, take this quarter, call your mother.
Tell her you're never going to be a stripper.
Aren't you gonna chuckle? There's nothing to chuckle about.
Oh, nobody loves oily Homer.
- You, the greasy, naked, bald man.
- Ah! You know everything about me.
What would you say if I offered you the secret of true success? Wipe me down and sign me up.
Unh, the trick is to blot the oil.
Wiping just pushes it around.
You're preaching to the choir, man.
Now, life is hard.
Am I right? - Yeah.
- Life is hard.
Wrong! Life is easy.
You suck.
You have to take life.
You have to grab it by its little bunny ears and get in its face.
God, look at you, losers.
I can read your minds.
Ooh, ooh, I'm afraid of success.
It's pizza's fault I'm fat.
Oh, I'll stop sucking later.
Come here, give me your hand.
It's okay.
Ah! Thank you, teacher.
You see this watch? It's jammed with so many jewels, the hands can't move.
- What kind of watch do you have? - Uh Well, I drew it on.
See? Ah.
You see that car out there? That's a Bentley Mark 12.
They gave one to me one to Steven Spielberg, and they shot the guy who made it.
Oh, I'd hate to be in that union.
Friends, there's a force that runs through the universe.
We used to call that force God.
We now call it Megatronics: The 48 Tips to Corporate Success.
Hmm.
- There.
- Woo! Published by Kinko's.
- Do you wanna be the ultimate you? - Yes.
Do you wanna yodel at the top of the corporate mountain? - Yes.
- Will you write me a check made out to cash? God, yes! "Tip one: live each day like it was your last.
" I don't wanna die.
I'm so young.
"Tip two: let nothing stand in your way.
" Listen up, life obstacles.
From now on, nothing's gonna stand in Homer Simpson's way.
Do your homework.
Don't do so much homework.
Learn to talk.
You, let's love now.
Sounds good to me.
Go on ahead.
I'll just slow you down.
What's that ruckus? It's the sound of a go-getter at work, Marge.
Look, I installed a key hook so you'll always know where your keys are.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I was tired of putting my keys in that bowl like a caveman.
I finally harnessed the awesome power of the hook.
Well, time for work.
"Megatronics Tip 20: make your cubicle into a you-bicle.
" Hmm, what next, Megatronics? "Point out problems at your workplace to your boss.
To separate yourself from the herd, just tattle on the cattle.
" Hmm I say Phantom Menace sucked more.
I say Attack of the Clones sucked more.
That's toxic waste.
And now, to see Mr.
Burns for the promotion and raise I've deserved since this morning.
Mr.
Burns, I've made a list of recommendations to improve plant efficiency.
Oh, have you now? Well, huzzah, huzzah.
I'll just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.
But the book said you would applaud my initiative.
And what book is that? The Ape Who Wanted a Big Bonus? Stop wasting my time, you corn-fed man-cow.
- Would you mind? - Yes, sir.
Aw, look at the little eels.
Oh, electric eels! I didn't know Mr.
Burns had an electric eel pond.
Well, he does.
All my life, I've had one dream: To achieve my many goals.
Mr.
Burns has never given me a thumbs-up or a "way to be" or a "you go, girl.
" No.
He just steps over everyone who works for him taking pleasure in making us feel small.
Oh, Homie.
Don't let it get you down.
So Mr.
Burns doesn't take you seriously.
Big whoop.
Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding dong doo.
Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.
So my husband goes to a bar every night.
Whoop-de-do.
Who gives a bibble? Gabba, gabba, hey.
I gave Mr.
Burns the best years of my life.
And how much respect does he give me? Slim to bupkes.
Who's Burns? Somebody you work with? Moe, we've been complaining about him every night for eight years.
If this guy's riding you wrong, why don't you slap him some payback? Revenge? On Mr.
Burns? Yeah.
Send him magazine subscriptions he don't want.
Or give him some face time with sweet lady brick.
Ha, ha.
No.
I think this calls for something a little more cerebral.
Wait till he steps on this flaming bag of, ah Lisa's college fund? Sir, we could be in real trouble here.
If the government found out you dumped nuclear waste under Lego Land Oh, Smithers, the environmental effects won't be visible for years.
Heh, talk about your runaway government.
For dumping that waste, you could go to jail.
A handsome man like you, I'd hate to think what would happen.
Ha, ha, I wouldn't go to jail.
The legal owner of this plant would, Canary M.
Burns.
This entire plant is in his name.
So when they come to put C.
M.
Burns in jail, it's the canary that does the time.
Sir, can you do that? Oh, yes.
Tycoons have been doing it for years.
Why, Standard Oil was once owned by a half-eaten breakfast.
Hmm Don't you get it? If you get rid of that bird, Burns is at your mercy.
Get rid of a bird? No way.
Their eyes are so expressive.
Fool! You've learned absolutely nothing from my one-hour class.
- Homie, what's wrong? - I have a plan to get to the top but I have to do some pretty rotten things to get there.
I'm not sure I could look at myself in the mirror or any polished metal.
Well, if you don't know the right path to take you have to be very quiet and listen for that little voice inside that tells you what to do.
- Do it, Dad.
- You could get a less crappy car.
Bart, you can hear us? - Oh, yeah.
- From my room, I can hear everything.
- Me too.
The walls are paper-thin.
- Ugh.
Hi.
And it wouldn't hurt you to put up some curtains.
This is it, boy.
With this bird gone, the plant will be mine for the taking.
Now, fly to the Canary Islands.
- Smithers, it's an emergency.
- Maroon alert.
Or even vermilion.
The owner of the plant is gone.
All that's left is this little mirror he used to amuse himself.
Hello, pretty boy.
That's quite a beak on you.
Hoo-hoo! Who wants a kiss? Who wants a kiss? Mr.
Burns, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission is here for inspection.
Ah! Good Lord.
That canary was supposed to be my pigeon.
I need to find a patsy quick.
- Hello.
- Yes, yes, hello.
- Now I need to find a patsy.
- Hello.
You're quite the friendly fellow.
- But right now I'm looking for a patsy.
- Hello.
Bumbling fool.
I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy.
- Hello.
- Ooh! This moon-faced simpleton is continually interrupting my search for a patsy.
Why to? Hello.
Why are you looking at me like that? Now, a few more details about this year's company picnic.
It's at the plant, no food will be served, the activity will be work and the picnic is canceled.
Aw! I would like to add to any nuclear inspectors in the crowd that the titular head of the plant is now Mr.
Homer J.
Simpson.
That's right.
And as my first act Mr.
Burns, you're fired.
That man's mad.
Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist.
No.
It's entirely within my power.
Furthermore, there never were any nuclear inspectors.
Check and mate.
Now king me.
So the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon as a shark with a gun for a mouth.
I only have one thing to say to that - bravo.
- Huh? We clashed lances on the Champs de Mars and I have been bested.
The plant is yours.
Treat her well.
- Mr.
Burns? - Yes? Eat crowd, old man! Hey, hey, hey, goodbye Hey, that looks like fun.
Do me.
Yay! Homer! Homer! Homer! Mr.
Burns' reign of terror is over.
Yay! And today begins my reign of terrific management.
- I thought he was gonna say "terror.
" - I didn't think he was.
Unlike Mr.
Burns, I will respect you, the working-class slob because we are all equals.
And now, as I ascend this crystal staircase to my office I say, avert your gaze.
Yay! Hmm Hmm? Hmm.
That is so cool.
Bart, open the door.
Now, open it again and put a walnut in there.
Dad, please.
You're the head of a major corporation.
You're right.
Put two walnuts in there.
Dad, have you looked at this earnings report? Sweetie, these things are gonna take time.
I just found the door-shutting thing.
Ha, ha, oh, yeah.
Now I'm forcibly retired, I feel I should give back to society and do some charitable work.
But first, I want to take a lot of opium.
Uh, if you say so, sir.
Uh, excuse me.
Do you know where I can buy some, uh, drugs? Drugs? Everything is drugs.
Banana made of drugs, monkey made of drugs.
Look, all market made of drugs.
- I'd like to buy this.
- Only American money.
Our money is made of drugs.
To make this plant economically viable, you've gotta lay off 112 people.
If you don't patch the leak in Cooling Tower 2, you will go to jail.
- Oh, I need a vacation.
- This is your vacation.
- Can't I water-ski a little bit? - Fine.
Homer, I'll go over the year-end profit forecast - if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
- No deal.
I got a gold star at school today for my exposÃ© on toxins in gold-star adhesive.
That's great, honey.
Hold it up to the camera.
Homie, I know you've got a lot of work to do but this really isn't the same as eating dinner with your family.
Look, there is nothing more important to me than you guys.
I think best quality pork chops.
Dad, this just isn't working.
Lisa, I deeply resent with a big bowl of applesauce.
Hey, Dad, you said you were gonna play catch with me.
Well, I have to work.
But give the monitor a kiss.
I don't wanna do that.
Come on, boy.
You're not too old to kiss your daddy's monitor.
Hey, that's a printer port, not a finger hole.
Homie? Hey, honey.
Sorry I'm so late.
I had to lay off 27 robots.
Don't tell me they can't cry.
Check it out.
I'm Tomokazu Ohka of the Montreal Expos.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm Esteban Yan of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
And I'm the man at the ballpark everyone hates.
- The umpire? - No, Billy Crystal.
Bart's growing up without me.
He won't be 10 forever.
- Knock, knock.
- Ah! Mr.
Burns.
Where's Mr.
Smithers? He's doing 80 years on an opium bust.
I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.
How did you ever run this place? You gotta turn away your family, fire your friends work until the wee hours of the afternoon.
Simpson, I worked here for three score and twain.
That's 62 years in the "new English.
" I want to show you something.
These are people in my life I could never find time for because I was too busy working.
This was my fiancÃ©e, Gertrude.
I was working so hard, I missed our wedding, honeymoon and our divorce proceedings.
She died of loneliness.
Loneliness and rabies.
Do you see why I brought you here, Simpson? Yes, yes.
If I keep putting work first, I'll lose everyone I care about just like you did.
Thank you, Mr.
Burns.
Thank you for Steal my plant, will you? By the time you wake up you'll be walled inside my mausoleum forever.
- What are you doing? - Scream all you like.
No one will hear you.
All right.
Ah.
Don't know why you're trying to steal the plant back.
I don't want it.
Oh, keep begging.
You're just wasting precious oxygen.
Brick by brick, I seal his doom.
There you go.
Hey, Dad, pitch to me.
From now on, my only ambition is to be the world's greatest dad.
Hey, you nearly hit me on the head.
- Quit crowding the plate.
- Ugh.
Oh, you want a piece of me? You see, this is the stuff - Mom won't do with me.
- Yeah.
- Ow! Ow! He bit me! - You saw him.
He bit me! You little Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky
The Simpsons s14e16 Episode Script
'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky
The Simpsons 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky D'oh! Ah! Before we begin, may I remind you, school computers are not to be used to access PrincipalSkinnerStinks.
com, SkinnerSucks.
org or ShaveThisSkinner.
edu.
He didn't say anything about SkinnerlnAShredder.
com.
Let's make this the best year ever.
Today we have a special guest: A documentary filmmaker whose works include Lost Luggage, Shattered Lives and Upskirt Dreams.
Please welcome Declan Desmond.
Thank you.
Now, when you think of documentaries you probably think of the Maysles brothers and Barbara Kopple.
Well, they're not good enough to wipe my lens.
Here's a look at my work.
A film I made about Krusty Burger: Do You Want Lies With That? Does it bother you that Krusty uses mad cow beef to save money? No.
Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer.
Aren't you ashamed to lend your likeness to substandard food? Look, I give people a meat-like burger and some kind of cola and they still get change back from their 50.
Your customers may be shocked by my footage of you stapling together abandoned, half-eaten burgers.
Good as new.
Ew! Powerful.
Now he's gonna make a documentary about Springfield Elementary which I assume will be glowing and positive unlike all of his other work.
Right.
Now, everyone, while I'm filming, please be yourselves.
I want to see troubled children brooding, bullies doling out what for What about us cool kids? Should we just chill out? You're doing great.
Stay with the dink.
America is supposed to be a democracy.
But in the schoolyard, cool rules.
And Springfield's Machiavelli of the monkey bars is one Bartholomew Simpson.
On today's royal agenda: Ow! Munch mud, Simpson.
I'm telling.
Oh, man.
And in a flash Bart's glory has gone the way of England's masculinity.
It's a dangerous life being a hall monitor.
When you leave home in the morning you may be kissing your dolls goodbye for the last time.
My sash says "Ultraman.
" I think we've seen enough.
You should realize that our school is not all nitwits and Nelsons.
Why don't I open a door at random? Why, look.
It's typical student Lisa Simpson.
Oh, hello.
I've just been listening to Bach while reading at a sixth-grade level.
Indeed.
Hitting it off already.
I haven't seen such a natural pair since half sandwich and soup of the day.
I'll leave you two alone.
Remember, as far as he knows, we still teach Math.
Hmm, Lisa, I can't help but wonder if this is a bit of a put-on.
Why, whatever do you mean? Whoa! Huh? What? Go, Aberdeen! Ha, ha, you can't blame Principal Skinner for wanting to feature his best student.
- And that's you.
- Well, I am young, gifted and yellow.
My interests include music, science, justice, animals, shapes, feelings.
So you see yourself more as a buffet-style intellectual.
Picking and nibbling until one day you're 38 and managing a Barnes & Noble.
Hey, that's not gonna happen.
Lisa, I'm afraid you're a dilettante.
Pick a path and follow it.
Or you'll grow up, slog your way through Mount Holyoke - and squeeze out babies.
- Stop it! Since Nelson nailed you with that dirt, no one thinks you're cool anymore.
Even that kid that wears diapers is more popular.
And he ain't popular.
So? I'll bounce back.
I always bounce back.
Like after the time I accidentally called the teacher mom.
Even I beat you up that day.
After you passed out.
What's that hood ornament doing around your neck? I snapped it off some jerk's car.
I could go to prison for life, but whatever.
Ah! Wow! The only way to be cooler than him is to do what he does.
I've gotta steal me a hood ornament.
But how? Is something wrong, kids? You haven't touched your Dinnerables.
Nelson steals a hood ornament and now he's king of the school.
All that's left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town's ever seen.
Pfft! Talking won't get you there.
Lisa, what's bumming you out? They cancel a test or something? Dad, my life lacks direction.
It's a concern.
A serious concern.
Hey, I never chose a path.
And because I kept my options open, I can finally do what I want.
- And what's that? - I'm gonna die alone.
Gotta pick a career.
Gotta pick a career.
I can find a good career at this museum.
Or at least see if they fixed that mislabeled raccoon I complained about.
Hmm, maybe I could be an expert on dinosaurs.
Don't do it, little girl.
I spent 30 years brushing the teeth of dead monsters.
Maybe geology.
"Formed by unimaginable heat and pressure deep inside the earth minerals explode in a vast panoply of " Ew.
Since the dawn of time travelers looking for guidance have turned to the heavens.
Polaris, the star of the north mighty Orion's Belt the majestic Milky Way home of a familiar blue planet we call Rigel VII.
Not too far from Earth.
We have only scratched the surface of the universe.
Who will discover the wonders that lie beyond our galaxy? Will it be you or you? Or you? That's it.
Lisa Simpson, astronomer.
Now who will press my reset button? Will it be you? Or you? Or you? Oh, Dad, look at this one.
Sweetie, Daddy doesn't have enough money for that.
Unless they take a check.
We certainly do.
Boing! Why did you say that? Your check gonna bounce? No, ha, ha, of course not.
Duh! Why did you say that? Are you implying I'm dumb? Ah, I have to go.
Oh, my God! Space monsters are invading us! Dad, that's a moth.
Oh.
Well, where do I twist this thing to make funny patterns? Dad, that's a kaleidoscope.
You may be a smart kid but you don't know much about not hurting people's feelings.
Okay.
"At 6:22 p.
m.
, Venus will be visible at 27 degrees.
" Hiyo! Oh, it's beautiful.
What happened? Thanks a lot, surviving Beach Boys.
Okay.
Jupiter should be somewhere around here.
Hmm Hey.
For three seconds there, you were legally the mayor.
Yeah.
And you was a girl, Joe.
It should be dark enough to see the stars up here.
You stole my stars, Springfield! No one ever wrote a poem about sickly orange barf glow.
I know exactly how you feel, young lady.
What you are seeing is light pollution.
Light pollution.
For astronomers like me this is a bigger problem even than I don't know say, getting a date, which is difficult for the geeky people.
We've gotta do something.
I know.
Maybe we can get people to sign a petition.
Well, I'd like to help, I would.
But if I leave this observatory, another astronomer will move right in.
They're like hermit crabs.
They There's one now.
I see you! You said he was out of microscopes! Hey, check out this hood ornament I stole.
With this glinting gewgaw the beta male attempts to reclaim leadership of his herd.
Oh, that's good narration.
That's not a hood ornament.
It's a pacifier you spray-painted silver.
Ha, ha! Wait, that's not right.
Ha, ha! Oh, look.
It's jill-of-all-trades.
So, what's the ambition du jour? I'm collecting signatures to bring back the night sky.
Wow, the night sky.
How did you come up with that, tilt your head up? Does it make you feel superior to tear down people's dreams? Yes.
Does it make you feel smart to question people's motives? - Yes.
- Well, all right then.
Hi.
I'm trying to reduce light pollution.
Argh! I'd be happy to scrimshaw your petition.
People of Springfield, I've heard your pleas.
Whether you're an idealistic stargazer like Lisa or a faded southern belle who needs the forgiving cloak of night to seduce naÃ¯ve young delivery boys with more pizza than common sense I say Springfield will be the dimmest city in America.
Look up at the stars, Springfield.
For eons, people have gazed at the skies and seen into their souls.
Oh, stop.
Look out, Matthew Modine and Charlene Tilton.
There are new stars in town: Sky stars.
Now visible thanks to Springfield's latest cave-in to the astronomer lobby.
The best part is next week we'll get to see the Deadly meteor shower.
Deadly meteor shower? Named after its discoverer, Professor Artimus Deadly who was, ironically, killed in the shower of 1853.
The last time those meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire.
Naturally, we blamed it on the Irish.
We hanged more than a few.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like some bad eggs are cooking up trouble.
Mm Bad eggs.
Check it out.
This is great.
It's darker than a French chick's armpit.
Oh, every car has been harvested.
I've got to get that hood ornament.
No matter who owns it.
That bird touched my car.
You know what to do.
You're gonna be drinking worms through a straw.
Springfield's pro-darkness policy has resulted in vandalism unmatched since the Detroit Tigers last made the playoffs over two centuries ago.
The government has issued an Orange alert which, once again, means nothing.
Time to get that hood's ornament.
Buonasera, Fat Tony.
I park your car the way Mama used to do.
Why, thank you.
And may I say your mustache looks thick and hearty.
Fully Italian.
Try the cheese pizza.
It's greasy like, uh, you.
You're gonna depreciate a Mafia don's car? Hey, heh, we're all gonna be murdered someday.
Two, four, six, eight! It's time to reilluminate! Mr.
Mayor, you can't flip-flop on this.
We'll miss the meteor shower.
Oh, I don't know how you keep getting past Security.
Luigi, I appreciate your courtesy valet service.
I made a note on your card in my Rolodex: "Don't whack.
" Thank you, Fat Tony.
Thank you.
But at the risk of enraging you by making you look stupid we have no valet parking.
You mean that 10-year-old with a mustache was a phony? You know, Bart, I really like spending time with you.
Just hold the light.
I can't see nothing.
Let's fire blindly into the dark.
No.
You might hit a made man.
- They want light - Unh.
by God, they'll get light.
No! End of the line.
Hey, you're not John Ritter.
And you ain't that gorilla from the zoo.
- Eh.
- Eh.
Okay, you filthy booze-bags, it's 2 a.
m.
So, uh, who's the designated driver? It was Andy.
No one's ever won Moe's drink-a-gallon-of-gin challenge.
And no one ever will.
Ah, life is good.
Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.
You know what this reminds me of? My Icelandic boyhood.
It's this new anti-crime dealie.
The mayor turned the street lights way up.
My daughter Lisa feels really strongly about it.
- Pro or con? - I don't know.
What am I, Super Dad? Boy, this light has really screwed up the animals.
I'll bet somewhere there's a horse drinking coffee.
I haven't slept in seven days.
And I've gotten so much ironing done.
"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night.
" Dad, this lack of sleep is making Mom and Maggie crazy.
Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine? Or an assemblyman on the take.
Forget it.
It's so bright out, you can't see anything in the sky except the Fox satellite.
No, I got my eyes on the prize.
The hood ornament I desperately want for reasons I can no longer remember.
The only thing stopping me is those lights.
Huh! Bart, I just realized we both want the same thing: Darkness.
And we can get it if we work together.
With my brain and your, uh Your assistance You can say it.
I add nothing.
You can't have light without power.
And all the power comes from here.
How'd you get Dad to go along with this? In his sleep-deprived state, he's very suggestible.
Okay, Dad you are now playing patty-cake with Maggie.
Palm recognized.
Access granted.
Aw, my baby's first words.
Hmm Now we merely push this switch to overload.
Yet once we do, we'll be breaking the law.
Can good truly come from civil disobedience? - Gandhi thought so, but - Gandhi also said less talk, more rock.
Uh-oh! All the lights are out.
You better get the entire force working on this.
- But, chief, we are the entire force.
- Okay.
We gotta start recruiting, Lou.
Ugh, look at all those shards of glass! I'll catch them on my tongue for luck.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! It worked.
I got my sky back.
Dad, look.
Night! Glorious night! Uh-oh! There they are! There they are! I can't read porno by candlelight! Who am I, Abe Lincoln? I say tear them limb from limb! Yeah! Huh! Look.
- Oh, they're beautiful.
- My God.
I'm not angry anymore.
Whoa, I don't need drugs to enjoy this.
Just to enhance it.
Paint your palette blue and gray Look out on a summer's day With eyes that know the darkness In my soul I wish Jimmy the Snitch could see this.
Well, just open the trunk.
And I thought this was gonna be a bad night.
Oh, great glayvin in a Glad bag.
That meteor contains carbon-based molecules.
I may be able to prove the existence of life in outer space.
Ha, ha.
Shut up.
This is even better than our screen saver.
And I love our screen saver.
- Nicely done, Lisa.
- Thanks, Mom.
I wish God were alive to see this.
They would not listen They're not listening still Perhaps they never will A Day in the Life of Springfield Elementary.
Where do you think you will be in seven years? I'm gonna live with Underground Grandma.
I'm gonna go to a two-year technical school then work in a garage.
Ugh.
- Sellout.
- Ugh.
- Yuppie.
- Soccer mom.
I'll be batting.
352 in the majors.
Yes! Did you get that, Simon? Brilliant! Right.
Let's go to Moe's.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Three Gays of the Condo
The Simpsons s14e17 Episode Script
Three Gays of the Condo
The Simpsons Three Gays of the Condo D'oh! Ah! I wonder what Mom came up with for this week's Family Wednesday.
I hope it's as fun as Pictionary was last week.
We weren't playing Pictionary.
That was an intervention to stop your drinking.
What? Are you sure? Aw, ha, ha.
Oh, that takes me back.
- Here it is.
This week's family activity.
- Oh, a jigsaw puzzle.
"Concert in Golden Gate Park.
Ages 8 to 80.
" We know when we're not wanted.
Hmph.
The box says it's a perfect way to spend the day.
And why would a box lie to a person? The first step is the funnest, turning all the pieces face up.
Go crazy, dorks.
I got better things to do.
Hey, Bart, I fixed my rock tumbler.
What do you say we turn this baby loose on some feldspar? - I'm in.
- Oh, I hate this.
It's making me use my arms.
Hey, these two pieces are already connected.
We're halfway there.
Hmm Does anyone have any swan heads? I've got nothing but necks.
Can't help you.
All I got is gray.
- Anybody working on a cement wall? - Turn it over, Homer.
Oh, right, ha, ha.
Chinese guy.
Chinese guy.
Frisbee dog.
Ooh, look how late it is.
Let's get you kids some coffee.
Homer, no scissors.
It's how the pros do it.
Sky, sky, sky with building grass, grass with foot Bart's so poor, he has to eat cardboard.
- What are you eating? - Drywall.
Hey, kids.
Uh, we're worried about your dad.
He ain't been to work for a week.
What's he doing now? Is he a rodeo clown? - Is he Poochie again? - He's working on a jigsaw puzzle.
Oh, I guess he's done with all the fun stuff.
Now let's see.
This is either an old coconut or Tom Hayden.
Gee, Homer, that's super.
Ow! My eye.
I'm not supposed to get jigs in it.
I can't believe our family finished a project this complicated.
It's the only worthwhile thing I ever made that wasn't Lisa.
Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.
Ooh, that's quite a thingamajigsaw, but it looks like you're missing a piece.
- Looks like you're missing a wife.
- Ha, ha, I walked right into that one.
He's right, Dad.
We're missing that singer's head.
This is awful.
It's like listening to Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony.
" Or when I messed up taping City Slickers Il and cut off the end.
Was Curly's gold just a legend? Or like when I got nothing.
Uh, let's just find that piece.
Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didn't run away after all.
Puzzle piece, come out and play.
Hey, what's this? "Marge's Memory Chest"? Aw, Marge saved all this stuff from when we were going out.
Fake business card I made to impress her.
T-shirt from our first rock concert.
"Meaux's Tavern grand opening.
" That was back when his floors were sticky with promise.
Welcome to Meaux's.
Home of the finest bar crystal in Springfield.
Shouldn't have cheaped out on the shelf.
I can't believe how young we looked in my memory.
Hey, there's writing on the back of this.
"Dear Homer I can't believe you're making this the worst night of my life"? Huh? You leave me sitting here all alone while you play video games with your Neanderthal friends.
" Marge, come here.
I need both hands for this game.
Can you feed me nachos while I play? Why don't you just stop playing? Tell that to the brave crew of the S.
S.
Triangle.
It's the evil rocks.
Take that.
Homer, I really don't wanna feed you.
Come on.
You're always saying we should do things as a couple.
Oh, this is wonderful.
I love you Atari.
Video games and too much beer.
You sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Well, I aims to please.
Hey, let's stop by that Dumpster and make out, ha, ha.
Hold that thought.
Young man, you've ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol.
The only dangerous amount is none.
Let's go to the IHOP.
I'm driving.
- All right, come on.
Hey! Ow! - Okay, Burger King.
Whatever.
Get his leg.
Tonight, I learned the two of us can't work.
I don't want a life of watching you get drunk then holding back your long, beautiful hair while you vomit.
I have my own dreams.
And I can't live them with you.
Why did she stay with me if she hated me so much? Hey, two days later, she had a doctor's appointment.
"Nausea, cravings, knocked up feeling.
" She was pregnant with Bart.
And that's the reason she stayed with me.
I found the missing puzzle piece.
It was under Maggie's eyelid.
- How about that? - It's James Taylor.
Oh, the popular singer/songwriter/puzzle piece.
James Taylor.
Homie, remember that song we used to sing? - Mockingbird - Yeah.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Homie, what's wrong? Marge, did I ruin your life? Oh, is this about that billboard my sisters put up? No.
The voters will decide that in November.
- I was talking about this.
- Hmm? Oh, my God.
I forgot all about this.
- Where did you find it? - More like where didn't I find it? It was practically everywhere.
Homer, I'm sorry you saw that, but I was very upset that night.
Quit changing the subject.
How do you feel about me right now? Well, I love you, of course.
But a lot of things you do still drive me crazy.
So you mean our whole marriage you've been resenting me behind my back? A little bit, yeah.
Fine.
I'll go sleep with someone who does appreciate me.
Time to repress another memory.
I am at Disneyland.
Disneyland.
You made your own breakfast? Looks like you had a problem with those scrambled eggs.
- It was a muffin.
- I'll fix you something.
Oh, I get it.
Your stupid husband is too "drunk" to do it right.
Well, there are a lot of beer cans around here.
Oh, so you don't like it.
What other secrets have you been hoarding to use? Homer, let it go.
It's not always gonna be perfect.
We've been married for 10 years.
Oh, I didn't realize you've been counting the years.
- Is it that horrible living with me? - This morning isn't a barrel of laughs.
It is to me.
Marge, I can't live like this.
I'm tired of walking around on eggshells.
Maybe if you didn't throw them on the floor.
Now you're just making up rules.
Who made you Judge Judy and executioner? Dad, where are you going? Kids, sometimes when a daddy learns that a mommy always hated him he needs some time away to think.
You're not gonna get divorced like Milhouse's parents, are you? Ha, ha.
Oh, no, no.
This is nothing like Milhouse's parents.
Now, if you need me, I'll be staying with Milhouse's father.
Uh, welcome to my place.
I just have a few rules.
If you see a necktie on the doorknob, I'm with a lady.
- You don't have a doorknob.
- I don't have a tie either.
Just go label your food.
Oh, Luann.
Luann.
My money.
Arlene! Do I dare to go up? Or is the love that waits behind that window just a lie? Uh, Homer, I think you want your house next door? Pfft, stupid Flanders with his misleading silhouette.
Well, I guess I have no choice but to go back home and Hey.
I never noticed that newspaper box.
"Apartment Finder.
We put you in your place.
Roommate wanted for three-bedroom apartment.
Spacious, river view, only $400 a month"? Thank you, news box.
Ah! It's gone.
All right.
I got me a place to put my "spiderses.
" What a well-kept street.
And there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood.
It's a cinch these guys never had any kids.
Hey, Mr.
Smithers.
Ha.
Hello, Simpson.
What's the deal with this place? It's so manly, yet scented.
Ha, ha.
Yes, I seem to have gotten lost on my way to the, uh big auto, uh, racing festival.
So I've never been here before.
- Hey, Waylon.
- Who's the bear? Woof! Ooh, is that the Mr.
Burns you're always talking about? No.
He's nobody.
Shut up, Stewart.
Nice to meet you, Stewart.
Homer, before you move in you should know that Julio and I have an active social life.
Me too.
I'm a member of this club where if I eat one more sub, I get a free sub sandwich.
You probably saw the ad where this guy used to be fat but now he's just ugly.
Homer, what Grady is saying is that How can I put this? Look, we might have a cocktails, say, where all the guests are male.
Are you trying to tell me that you guys are those guys that like guys? That's right, Homer.
We're gay.
You are? Hmm.
Which will win out? My old-fashioned prejudices or that I've already mixed my laundry with yours.
I'll have to sleep on it.
He's sleeping in the pantry.
Ah! My spices.
You guys lead a fascinating life.
Why are you reading The New York Times? You don't live in New York.
Oh, I despise the Springfield Shopper.
What is that? The headlines are jokes.
Mm.
Where'd you buy this? From the guy on the exit ramp? Disgusting.
Calm down, Picky Ricardo.
He made us a great breakfast and you're just riding his butt and not in a good way.
Thank you, Homer.
It's a pleasure cooking for you.
Well, get used to it because I'm gonna stay.
Fabulous.
Here's the key to the lotion cabinet.
Grady, are you sure you want to live with him? It's either him or that girl who put "Mother Earth" as a reference.
And with a male roommate, we can walk around naked.
Way ahead of you.
Woo! Don't worry, sweetie.
Your father won't stay mad forever.
It's so weird not having Dad here.
I can't fall asleep if I haven't read him his bedtime story.
Hello? Hold on.
"Nancy Drew let out a low whistle.
'This isn't an old windmill at all.
It's a new windmill.
"" No, Dad.
I'm sure she won't be killed.
In a West End town, a dead end world The East End boys and West End girls West End girls West End girls - That will be $100.
- I see.
Dad took us antiquing.
Yeah.
Along the way, we took photos of interesting doors and gates.
Your father sure can be thoughtful when he wants to be.
Marge, please.
Let's not fight in front of the kids.
Just secretly hate me the way you always have.
I love watching you guys fight.
It's my earliest memory.
- Why, you little! - Aah! Dad, your hands feel so soft.
You noticed.
I've been using LancÃ´me.
Ugh.
Oh, it shows.
I haven't had a strangle that smooth since I was 4.
Well, I better go.
But before I do, Marge, there's something I wanna ask you.
Yes, Homie? How much do you tip a leg waxer? I need to know by tomorrow.
Just go.
And take your stupid Lhasa Apso with you.
Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt.
- Why don't you just say you're sorry? - Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing.
But it's also a constant battle for moral superiority.
So I can't apologize.
Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time.
- I don't think I've ever meant it.
- That's not right.
Sorry, Mom.
See? It's that easy.
Hmm.
So how was your visit home? The kids are cool.
But Marge is still judging me.
- Oh, so it's over between you two? - Maybe it is.
I used to look at Marge and get the same tingle you get when you see Rip Taylor.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
Come on, let's dance.
Hey, hey.
Whoo! Yeah, baby.
You go.
I didn't think it was possible.
But watching him makes me more lesbian.
Lesbian? This isn't my Army reunion.
- You're coming home with me.
- Yes, colonel.
He's gay.
He's gay.
Gay.
Gay.
Bi.
Gay.
Gay for pay.
Gay.
Tennessee Williams? But how did he survive in the world of theater? Homer, please.
Practically everyone who's acted in, produced, or even seen a play is gay.
Uh, Homer, I think you should see this.
Homie, I tried to tell you how I feel but I can't find the right words.
Maybe he can.
"Weird Al" Yankovic? Marge wrote me about what happened.
And as soon as her check cleared, I was on the first flight here.
- You get the parody songs I sent you? - Ugh, yes.
Which one was better? "Living La Pizza Loca" or "Another One Bites the Crust"? - They were pretty much the same.
- Yeah.
Like you and Allan Sherman.
Now, here's a song I wrote for you.
Little ditty about Homer and Marge Her heart was as big As his stomach was large Oh, yeah, they say love goes on Long after the grilled cheese sandwich Is gone It would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that.
Homer, would you at least let me take you out on a date? I don't know.
Date a chick with kids? - Dad - All right, all right.
- Nice work, Lisa.
- Thanks, Julio.
I love you as a blond.
You do? Oh, God, Lisa, if I was an 8-year-old straight boy I would be holding your hand right now.
Ooh, wait.
Marge likes a little bit of stubble.
Uh-oh.
Gotta even it out.
Somebody's nervous.
Well, we got the cure for that.
Margaritas.
Margarita? That's Mexican for Marge.
I'll take that as a sign.
Where is he? Where is he? Who dares challenge ye Black Knight? Step forward if ye be free of lower back pain, heart conditions, and pregnancy.
And please turn off thy cell phones and pagers.
I've learned a lot living here.
It doesn't matter what someone's sexual preferences are unless they're a celebrity.
In which case, it's dish, dish, dish.
Homer, weren't you supposed to meet your wife half an hour ago? D'oh! You don't have a gay time machine, do you? Yes.
It's called Grady's shoe closet.
Ha.
Hey, Julio? Ouch.
I gotta go.
Oh.
Oh, lordy.
Now for ye knights' and wenches' delectation I have some royal proclamations.
We welcome Cub Scout Troop Number 102.
We wish a happy birthday to Karen.
Congratulations to Marge and Homer Simpson on their reconciliation dinner.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
The Velvet Mafia made me a margarita I couldn't refuse.
Goodbye, Homer.
I try to save our marriage.
You just get drunk and spend the whole night with your homosexual boyfriends.
Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs.
Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.
Fact is, certain people aren't right for each other.
You gave it a chance, it didn't work.
At least you tried.
But it was Marge, my first and only love.
I'm like David Spade without Chris Farley, alone and useless.
Oh, Homer, a guy as cool and special as you will have no trouble believe me.
Wow.
Wow.
I never realized you felt about me that way.
We should take some time to talk I'd just end up hurting you! I was just thinking, my problems with Marge started because I drink too much.
And then tonight, alcohol only made things worse.
Maybe all of my problems are actually caused by Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take your medicine, you lush, you.
Hey, what happened here? Uh, he was drinking at Harrigan's bar down the street there.
They ought to close that dump down.
Yeah.
That was a close call.
We took this much out of you.
But it's still not as bad as the first time I treated you.
Oh, yeah.
The night that destroyed my marriage.
Destroyed your marriage? Why, I'd never seen a woman look so devoted.
Let's look at the tape.
You have that on tape? Mm, it was back when I thought the nurse was stealing sponges.
He's stable now.
I'll leave you two alone.
Homie, I was so worried about you.
I was really mad at you tonight.
But you're a good person.
And that's whatl see most of the time.
Whatever problems we have we have a lifetime to work them out together.
So she didn't hate me.
She married me because she loved me.
And I still do.
Marge, I never wanna be apart from you again.
Well, you'll never have to.
That is the best kiss I've had tonight.
Or was it? - Homie, what are you thinking? - Manly thoughts.
All I have left now are my tapes.
She was stealing sponges.
I knew it.
That's a story about Homer and Marge Two folks I helped out For a nominal charge After Homer went gay They patched up their schism But the dude never dealt With his alcoholism Weird Al saying "Oh, yeah, the credits go on Long after the viewer's interest Is gone" Oh, yeah Weird Al had fun on this show Even if it was just a brief cameo Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Dude, Where's My Ranch?
The Simpsons s14e18 Episode Script
Dude, Where's My Ranch?
The Simpsons Dude, Where's My Ranch? D'oh! Ah! Silver bells, silver bells It's Christmas time in the city Oh, that is like so moving.
Yo, family, isn't that beautiful? Mm-hm.
Walking in a winter wonderland Exquisite.
Just exquisite.
Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds.
- Should I call them off, sir? - No, no.
It's their Christmas too.
Have a nice Christmas Have a nice Christmas Have a nice Christmas Non-Christian friend That's even worse than "I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas.
" For this, I tied my bathrobe? Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Cease and desist.
You are forbidden to perform that song without paying - royalties to the owner.
- Nobody owns Christmas carols.
They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store.
Not true.
But you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols such as "O Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas" "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring.
" Those suck.
They're worse than nothing.
I could write way better songs.
Go.
But don't use A-flat or G-natural.
Those are owned by Disney.
- Oh.
- That's A-flat.
- Oh! - That's better.
That's it.
I'm writing a Christmas carol.
If I can make my own clothes, I can do anything.
Christmas in December Whoa, whoa, whoa Give me tons of presents Now, now, now - Homer.
Writing a new Christmas carol? - Maybe.
Well, the Bible says it's fun to do stuff together.
There's a stranger In the manger and his name is love Take it, Homer.
Oh, I got it.
You want me to stay out here and work on the chorus.
Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man.
But even I have my limits.
Now, beat it.
Why, thank you, Homer.
with that stupid jerk bothering me all the time and? Wait a minute.
- Everybody in the U.
S.
A.
- Hates their stupid neighbor He's Flanders And he's really, really lame Flanders tried to wreck my song His views on birth control are wrong I hate his guts And Flanders is his name F-L-A-N-R-D-S He's the man thatl hate best I'd like to see his house go up in flame Excuse me.
I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield.
I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song.
David Byrne? Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head? Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head? And I used to wrestle under the name El Diablo.
- I thought that was Philip Glass.
- Yeah, he wishes.
Hey, mister, if you like my song so much, would you like to buy a tape? - It's already rewound.
- No, thanks.
But I would like to sing it with you and produce it.
Ugh, fine.
- F-L-A - His name is Ned - E-R-S - That's a stupid name He's worse than Frankenstein Or Dr.
No You can't upset him even slightly He just smiles and nods politely Then goes home and worships nightly His Leftorium is an emporium of woe F-L-A - Don't yell at Ned D-E-R - His wife is dead Everybody hates that stupid jerk Springfield rocks With Homer's joyous loathing Filling clubs with angry Valentinos You don't have to move your feet Just hate Flanders to the disco beat He's your perky, peppy Nightmare neighborino If you despise polite left-handers Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders Or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd - That's us.
- Hurray! F-L-A - His name is Ned - E-R-S - He's so white bread The smiling, mustached geek Who walks with God Mass dismissed.
Hey, what are we gonna wear tomorrow? We're halfway through our same song six-pack.
- Now let's hear - William Shatner's version of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders.
" - Ah.
- Another cover? My God, let it die.
Everybody in the U.
S.
A.
Hates their stupid neighbor He's the Flanders man, the Flanders man Flanders - I am so sick of that song.
- Ugh, me too.
I've come to hate my own creation.
Now I know how God feels.
Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while? Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while? Well, I guess we could afford one nice trip.
I still think you should've left that at the motel.
What? It said "take one.
" "Balloon Ride," "Wax Museum," "The Denzel Washington Monument" "Colonial Phoenix.
" Hey, dude ranch.
And there's no radio or TV so we won't have to hear your song.
Sweet.
Or we could go to Walter Gropius' Bauhaus Village.
And fight the crowds? Forget it.
The Simpsons are going to Bart's idea.
This dude ranch is gonna be great.
A whole week without hearing that stupid song.
You won't think it's stupid when you hear the extended salsa mix.
Watch it, Mr.
Byrne.
You'll slip on the simonize.
Simonize? Whoa, whoa! - Can you take me to the hospital? - Yeah, no problem.
Wasn't that the hospital? - Uh, you ever see the movie Misery? - Actually, no.
Then this'll all be new to you.
Welcome to the Lazy I Ranch where we give you a week of rustic ranch living.
- Do you have an Internet connection? - Internet? Son, the only Internet connection we got is a dedicated DSL port in the business center.
Or you could patch in through the smart fridge in your cabin.
Hmm, if said fridge is smart, it will be filled with Hot Pockets and bologna by the time I get there.
Goodbye.
"On this battleground in 1881, and four brave Americans lost their hats.
" Those poor hats.
This whole ranch is appalling.
It's built on a legacy of cruelty to animals and oppression of indigenous people.
Just our way of making y'all feel welcome.
- You're not listening.
- I never do.
Yee-haw! I'll show you how they get on a horse where I come from.
- Daddy, I need upsies.
- Coming, sweetie.
- Huh.
Well, he sure shut us up.
- Mm-hm.
Yee-haw! I really don't wanna do a lot of flip-de-loops.
No problem.
You can hop on the chuck wagon with Cookie here.
Pleased to meet you.
Have a tooth.
Hey, Crabby Hayes, get with the program.
I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting.
I'm going to my room.
Hold it right there.
Mama rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un.
- Luke Stetson, junior wrangler.
- I'm Lisa Simpson.
And you're the first person I've met here who cares about our animal equals.
Well, if you like animals, you won't wanna disappoint that pony over there.
She's just aching to show you around.
I'm sure she'd be happier without someone sitting on her back all day.
Sorry you're not interested because I need somebody to help me hang these "No Hunting" and "Free Tibet" signs.
That was a delicious meal, Cookie.
- What do we do with our garbage? - Leave it for Cleanie.
My precious.
Would you like to be photographed in my great-grandfather's headdress? He unified the nations of the western plains.
Five dollars or three for 12.
Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo and my wife is Betty Boop? You mean package B.
And this is supposed to save our marriage? I thought you guys lived off the land.
How come you're selling junk to jerks like us? Used to live and farm in a bountiful valley.
Then the river was dammed to make that lake by our ancient enemy, the beaver.
Why don't you just chase the beavers away? Unfortunately, the beaver is also our god.
In retrospect, it was a poor choice.
You people are guests in our country.
And the beaver have no right to treat you that way.
If I get back your land, will you promise to build a casino on it? Sure.
And when we do, your breakfast will be comped.
How many decks will your blackjack dealers use? - Eight.
- Three.
- Four.
- Deal.
My brother.
Wow! Oh, Luke.
I didn't gasp like that until I was 18.
All right, son, we just knock over this dam and the noble Native Americans can reclaim the land that is theirs.
No! I wanted to die choking on food.
I'll save you.
So long, suckers! Ha, ha.
Uh-oh.
Aah! Aah! Stop shoving.
The little one isn't getting any.
Aah! Thanks for making me feel better about this place, Luke.
Lisa, this here's the New West where we respect our equine and bovine Americans.
Uh, well, maybe we should just mosey on over this way.
Ah! Free range my ass.
Tonight you're gonna be swimming next to a matzo ball.
I think maybe we should just look at the clouds.
- Well, ain't that pretty.
- Oh, it looks like a happy sheep.
Oh.
Oh, damn it.
Shucks, Lisa.
You sure have taken a shine to that cowpoke.
- Mom, why are you talking like that? - Don't rightly know.
I just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit in a bucket full of gopher gravy.
I'll stop now.
Well, I like it here too.
Luke has shown me the gentle side of the Old West.
He's really sophisticated for a 13-year-old.
Thir-what-year-old? Lisa, you're only 8.
But when he's 23, I'll be 18.
Lisa, you don't know what you'll want in the future.
I didn't marry the first boy I Well, I did, but you shouldn't.
Ha, ha.
Wanna play a little longer? It's only 10 and the moon is awful big.
Well, heck, you should see it when it's full.
Oh, no.
They're making beautiful music together.
Let's see.
Move that there.
Do a flanking maneuver there.
Wind should be coming in from the south.
Time it to coincide with beaver holiday.
This map is useless.
Useless.
Homie, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
It's beef hormones and the fluorescent lights.
- What are you gonna do? - They're already acting like teenagers.
Lisa's with that boy, and look at Maggie.
Oops! I did it again I played with your heart Got lost in the game Oh baby, baby Look, Cookie.
There's a dance tonight.
A dance? A dance? Whew.
I'm pooped.
I'm going to bed.
Bed? Alrighty, I'll see you tonight.
And I'll save you the first dance.
Love you too, Clara.
Clara? He's got a girlfriend.
I feel like such an idiot.
Hey, bottom bunk's mine.
Keep going.
I can't believe Luke has another gal.
"My name is Clara.
I've known Luke for more than five days.
" Excuse me.
Is this the way to the Lazy I Ranch? Yeah, it sure is.
But a quicker way to the ranch is that shortcut.
Thanks, darling.
See you at the dance.
I look forward to it.
I hate you.
Oh, boy.
Check it out, beavers.
Delicious motel furniture.
They took the bait.
Let's go.
Uh-oh.
We forgot to empty the minibar.
Ah! That's a $17 deck of cards.
Let it go, Dad.
Quick.
Find the master log.
There's always a master log.
Whoa.
We did it.
Finally, man has triumphed over a small furry animal.
Treaty, treaty, treaty, bill, treaty Peace Pipe Aficionado magazine.
Thank you.
You have restored our village and our way of life.
We would like to make you honorary members of our tribe.
Drink deep from these cups.
The bear urine will make you strong.
- Actually, it's Fresca.
- Fresca? Well, grab your partner And start swinging them Don't forget the two-drink minimum Take your corner by the hand Get adult videos on demand Flash your teeth, let's see those smiles Pay with Visa, earn free miles Yee-haw! - Dang it.
Clara should be here by now.
- I'm sure she's just running late.
Or she's not coming because she doesn't understand how special you are.
That sure don't sound like my sister.
Sister? You mean she's not your girlfriend? Hell, no.
They outlawed that in this state two years ago.
Need help.
Come with me.
Done something terrible.
Don't care.
Just totally caught in the moment.
I have some sad news for y'all.
After this dance, I'm heading to jail.
One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger.
But I'll be back in six months.
Yee-haw! Blanks.
They just don't feel the same.
So I sent Luke's sister down the wrong trail and Hey, where did all this water come from? There used to be a trail here.
And there used to be a beaver dam there.
Who are you, the "used to" police? Unh! Unh! Help! Help me.
I can't swim.
I'm one lesson short.
How can we get across? Hey, beavers, remember me, you buck-toothed nerds? Run across.
I'm sorry.
I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend.
Well, that certainly justifies attempted murder.
You know, there are more important things in this world than boys.
- And when Hello, handsome.
- What's up, cootie breath? Look at those stupid city slickers with their fur coats and pointy hats.
Homer, those are elk.
I still hate them.
Go back to Grosse Pointe.
Lisa, Clara told me about how you saved her last night.
- Did Clara tell you anything else? - No.
Just that she felt mighty stupid for getting herself lost in them woods.
Listen, Luke.
It's my fault Clara got lost.
I didn't know she was your sister and I wanted you all to myself.
You would do that just for me? That's despicable.
You're the kind of slicker my family left Central Park West to avoid.
You got a lot of chutzpah, missy.
Goodbye.
Oh, I had my first crush.
And all it did was make me do terrible things and then break my heart.
Lisa, welcome to love.
It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty.
But then one day, you find a man you love so much, it hurts.
- Who is he? - You, Homie.
Whoo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy.
Hey, let's see if Dad's song is finally off the air.
- Next, - Springfield's latest one-hit wonder The "Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne.
Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me? How do you like me? Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me Eh.
We can spend another week at the ranch.
Yee-haw! Oh, that can't be good for the struts.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Old Yeller-Belly
The Simpsons s14e19 Episode Script
Old Yeller-Belly
The Simpsons Old Yeller-Belly D'oh! Ah! Glory, glory, hallelujah Teacher hit me with a ruler I cracked her in the bean With a frozen Jimmy Dean And she ain't my teacher no more Because she's dead Mr.
Secretary, can you read the minutes of our last meeting? "Girls are yucky.
Seconded and carried.
A fart was detected.
Martin denied it - and so was ruled to have supplied it.
" - Good.
Security officer, anything on the scope? Mm-hm, Mm-hm, hmm.
These Batpants have been shredded by the Riddler.
No, just your ass.
That's what I call my ass.
Oh! Lisa is having a tea party.
If I understand the female mind, and I do, they're plotting against us.
We've gotta get audio.
Uh, I'm on it.
Janey, more tea? Operation Ladybug is a go, eh! Over.
Today, Balthazar will tell us about global warming in the land beyond the rainbow.
Each year we lose seven species of gumdrops.
Lisa, this is your mother.
The doctor says your butt's too big.
That's not Mom.
Oh, someone is spying on us.
No one told me there'd be pulling.
Skinned elbows? All right! Time to score some pity.
Mommy! Don't worry, son.
I'll build you a new tree house.
One so grand - it'll be an affront to God himself.
- Can it have a rope ladder - you can pull up after you? - Only if it's an affront to God.
- Hey, you passed the lumberyard.
- Only losers buy wood.
We're going to nature's lumberyard.
Isn't this dangerous? Nothing beats flying across the country on a train.
I'm impressed that you drew up blueprints but these are for a go-cart track.
Hmm.
Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you? Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism.
I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
You said his name two seconds ago.
I was just putting words together.
- Ha, ha, gotcha.
- Well, two can play at that game.
Ow! Ha, ha.
Oh, that's it.
You are going down.
Ha, ha.
Don't! Stop it! That tree house is never gonna get built at this rate.
Time to call in the pros.
Didst thou hear that, Isaac? Aye.
Someone needs the Amish.
To the Buggymobile! Oh, the Amish are so industrious.
Not like those shiftless Mennonites.
Roll them bones.
Three craps.
Son, that tree house is gonna be bigger and better than ever.
It really restores your faith in helpful weirdoes.
Bumblebee Man, mi tree house is su bee house.
Reverend, love the cassock.
Moleman, looking good.
Very nice.
Did you do the wiring yourself? Heck, no.
The Amish did it.
Who knows more about electricity than the Amish? Watch your step! Don't panic! By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue.
Head burning.
Legs freezing.
Middle very pleasant.
Oh, thank God.
The dog's here.
Pull me free, boy.
Don't be scared.
You can do it.
Hey, where you going? I'm your pal.
I took you for a walk once.
Family head count.
Pointy, pointy, spiky, stylish Aah! Where's baldy? What's the? Wha? Flames? Searing pain? A black cat? I must be in heaven.
Homie, get out of that tree house! Move the net under the window! There's no net! I always thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty.
But as for you, Santa's Little Helper you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! Get out! And stay out! Our little hero sure likes Kahlua and cream.
Quit following me, you coward! You heard him, fleabag.
Get out of my bar.
You're unsanitary.
Oh, how precious.
The cat's sitting in my dinner.
No, no.
Don't get up, sweetheart.
I'll just pick around you.
Here we go.
Mm.
Ha, ha.
Long live the hero cat of Springfield! I make you lasagna.
You eat it up like the cat in the funny papers who's not so funny.
Today I can truly say Ich bin ein feline.
And I hereby rename Springfield Dog Park the Snowball II Municipal Cat Park sponsored by Buzz Cola with Lemon.
Damn, that's a lemony cola.
Mr.
Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? All my life, Kent.
I prefer catsup to ketchup.
And to me, Yusuf Islam will always be Cat Stevens.
Terrific stuff.
You must really love the Broadway musical Cats.
- God, no.
It sucks.
- Seems like you're quite the animal lover.
Do you have any other pets? A dog, perhaps? Kent, let me make this perfectly clear.
I have no dog.
Strong words.
Strong words from a strange man.
Strong words from a strange man.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out of the doghouse.
And then you and Dad will be chasing butterflies together again.
Here's a role model for you, boy.
Rin Tin Tin.
He was brave on and off the screen.
He was the first openly gay dog in Hollywood.
He bit me right in the Axis! See? Now that's the kind of dog you should be.
Mailman.
"Grow a mustache," says the wife.
"You'll look handsome," says the wife.
Hmm, needs beer.
Why, you little! Stop it, Homer.
That's inhumane.
- Use the choke chain.
- Fine.
I want you to sit there, look through the window, and watch me eat a ham.
Marge, prepare the emergency ham.
Oh.
This is the kind of shot you only get once in a lifetime.
Once in a lifetime.
Hmm.
This photo gives me an idea.
We might've found our new Duff spokesperson.
He's young, he's slim, and he can stand on his hind legs.
Unlike our current spokesman.
Oh! Duffman could use an eye-opener.
Take a hike, Duffman.
You're a disgrace to the unitard.
You're firing me? But what about my children? Duffgirl and Dufflad? Oh, those were one-shot characters in a Super Bowl ad.
Oh, yeah.
According to this contract we have to change his name to Suds McDuff.
I don't care if his name is Bony McDork.
Just make the checks out to me.
It also says "we will receive royalties in perpetuity a bottomless keg of beer and unlimited use of the Duff corporate jet.
" Corporate jet? Oh, pilot, let's swing by, oh, Heidelberg.
And drop in on Oktoberfest.
Sweet.
Welcome back to the family, boy.
Dad, five minutes ago you hated him.
Who are you? My biographer? Krusty, our animal today is the toxic pricker snake.
Very good.
Now, let me stand on my mark between the snake and its baby Cut to commercial! Hey, boy.
This is your commercial.
Houston, we have a problem.
This place is dullsville.
How can you get a buzz chewing freeze-dried beer? Wha? It's Suds McDuff.
Where the shuttlecraft is genuine draft.
- Whoo! - Ooh, party.
Duff, the official beer of NASA.
National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol.
Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads.
Like eat at Arby's.
Eight, nine, 10 wads of cash.
Your dog has sent Duff Beer sales through the roof.
Boy, you're now second best in the family.
Right ahead of Marge.
There you are, old pal.
Ha, I finally found you.
Who the hell are you? I'm this dog's owner.
I raced him at the greyhound track under the name Santa's Little Helper.
Good times.
Well, he's not yours anymore.
You threw him out on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, don't listen to him, Mr.
Duff VII.
We took this dog in and loved him.
And that makes him ours.
Oh, really? Well, this tape says different.
Kent, let me make this perfectly clear.
I have no dog.
Dad, you can't let him take our dog.
My wads! I never even broke the wrapper.
Who's gonna eat my homework now? Okay, boy, fetch! What do you do for fun? Suds, you're looking great.
Did you have a bath or something? Look, I'm talking to a dog.
So, what do you think? If I keep talking here, Kelly can't jump in.
Come on, Suds.
Toss me a bone.
Poor Santa's Little Helper.
He's overworked.
Suds, I hear you're doing game shows now.
Gelman, roll the clip.
Uh, things you buy in a dime store.
Uh, famous first ladies.
Uh, things your toothbrush might say.
Later that day, you had a book signing.
That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione.
Well, I'm afraid the law is clear.
And Dad did renounce all claim to ownership.
But I miss him.
He was my best friend.
Aw, there, there, boy.
I'll help you get him back.
He may have been a dirty stinking coward.
- But show me a Simpson that isn't.
- I'm not a coward.
You're not a coward.
And that's beside the point because Look, to get our dog back, we need a plan.
A plan, eh? Okay, we'll use a plan.
This is where Duffman lives now.
- But I'm not sure we should go in there.
- Mom, we need him for our plan.
I'm sorry, we have a six-month residency limit.
Well, old Gil is gonna surprise you.
I'll make something of myself, you'll see.
I Uh Hey.
What do you use for anesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second th Look, there's Duffman.
Okay, if you have 6 liters of blood and your blood is 80 percent alcohol how much alcohol do you have? Anyone? Hey, Duffman.
Please, I'm not Duffman anymore.
Just plain old Barry Duffman.
Oh, yeah, ha, ha.
But we need you to be Duffman again so we can get our dog back.
But I like it here helping the less fortunate.
It will be a cold day in hell before I shill beer again.
An icy-cold, full-bodied, beech wood-aged, amber-hued day in Oh, who am I kidding? Where is my trademark headgear? You really are Duffman.
Then I must be Jesus.
Up, up and away! Stay cool, hopeless drunks! Oh, yeah! Here's how we'll get our dog back.
Dad will pretend to drown and call Suds to save him.
But he won't because he's too cowardly.
Oh, yeah! Once again, Duffman's mug will be the only one you chugalug.
Give it a rest, Barry.
Sorry, sorry.
Now, to honor America Navy paratroopers will jump from their planes and crown Suds McDuff king of Six-Packistan! All hail his royal Duffness! This stunt cost $50 million.
Help! Help! I'm drowning! Uh-oh.
Who will save that poor fat man? I know who'll save him.
The bravest dog in the world: Suds McDuff.
That dog is a coward.
And I know cowards.
Mother, I served in Nam.
And you've been bitching about it for 30 years.
Everything is going according to plan.
I'll just keep thrashing around like an injured seal.
Now is your chance, Duffman.
You can save my dad and look like a hero.
Don't send a Duff Dog to do a Duffman's job.
Hold on, sir! Soon you'll be filling your lungs with Duff, Duff Light or new Duff Blue.
Tap in to the peppermint pleasure.
Are you there, God? It's me, Duffman! Let me think.
How did that beautiful young naked lady in Jaws make it out alive? Check it out.
That shark's wasted.
He's gone from predator to partier.
The crowd is going crazy for that shark.
Guys wanna be him, girls think they can change him.
Everyone, say hello to our new mascot: Duff McShark.
Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Well, Suds, it looks like you're no good to me anymore.
You might as well be with a loving family.
I missed you so much, boy.
Good to have you back with the Simpsons.
I'm sorry I was ever mean to you.
Marge, prepare the celebration ham.
All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Marge, they're just hams, okay? Well, boy, now that we've got you back, I'm never gonna let you go again.
Uh-oh, Dad, I think he peed on the rug.
To me, that says "I love you.
" I think he left a "big hug" in your lunchbox.
- Eh, it's probably that stupid cat.
- That cat saved your life.
What has he done lately? He woke you up when you stopped breathing last night.
Yeah, but he ate the last can of tuna.
Dad, you ate the last can of tuna.
Everyone's against me.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Brake My Wife, Please
The Simpsons s14e20 Episode Script
Brake My Wife, Please
The Simpsons Brake My Wife, Please D'oh! Ah! Okay, kids, stay together.
I appreciate you helping us out with this field trip.
Oh, a mom's work is never done.
Hmm, I thought I was being kicked exceptionally hard lately.
If I could be any type of shark, I'd be a tiger shark.
- How about you, Milhouse? - I guess a nurse shark.
I mean Oh! Ow, ow! Well, looks like Mr.
Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch.
Shut up.
What am I, some sort of joke to you people? Now, over here is our newest exhibit, Wonders of the Gulf Coast.
Ooh! Shut up.
It's not that exciting.
The gulf is home to a breathtaking array of sea life.
But oil spills are threatening its delicate ecosystem.
Hey, without oil, you wouldn't have your fancy four-wheel drives.
You want to go back to two-wheel drive? Well, do you? I didn't mean to steal focus.
Antarctic life is a constant struggle.
These sea lions survive by eating the leftovers of the various film crews that plague the continent.
Hmm This tank is for our Pacific Habitat, which is currently being remodeled.
Where do you keep the fish till it's done? Oh, they're well taken care of in our storage facility.
In this tank we see some of the most exotic species of the coral reef.
Look, that giant clam appears to be opening.
This could be a wonderful journal entry.
Look at the size of those flawless pearls.
Oh, I might have known.
But I didn't.
Bart, get out of there.
- My boy.
Will he be all right? - This kind of injury is routine.
Bart will be up and underachieving in no time.
All I need is your insurance card.
Hmm, my husband has our card.
No problem.
Is my husband there? I don't think he's here.
Uh, hang on.
Let me check.
Nope.
What you wearing? Okay, five more minutes and I'm chewing my hand off.
- Bart, are you okay? - Oh, Homie, where have you been? - I've been calling all over for you.
- Hey, take it easy.
I went to the video store to rent a movie for the family.
- He's got a nose for news - HOMER: Hmm.
and a diaper full of headlines.
- Hey, chief.
- He's editor-in-chimp.
That monkey's wearing a hat.
Lifetime Films presents Buttercups of Autumn.
I fear I have become a buttercup of winter.
Hush up, Nana.
That's fool talk.
Nana, she's so wise but no one's gonna benefit from her wisdom.
Look, he's misspelling words.
- Nana.
- Oh, she's so Well, from now on, you need to get a cell phone so I can reach you.
You just can't get a cell phone.
Lindsay Naegle, Veriqual Cellular.
And I can offer you a whole range of cellular solutions.
Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican hat dance? I insist on it.
I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it? I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.
Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black-power salute.
Black power, black power.
Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing.
We have headsets, but you'd be mad to stop there.
Tell me, what is currently plugged into your car's cigarette lighter? - Uh, a lighter.
- I weep for you.
These days, everything from fax machines to coffeemakers - can be plugged into your dash hole.
- I'll take them.
DVD player, check.
Snow-cone machine, check.
Lite-Brite, check.
Fog machine Even I think this is crazy.
Chaka Khan, let me rock you Let me rock you Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture while scraping the edges with a very stiff rubber spatula.
Now let's look in on our hush puppies.
Ah.
Oh, my God.
I gotta do something.
Come on, transmit.
Transmit.
Save me, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan! Oh, I'll never mock the Coast Guard again.
You Navy rejects are all right.
Mr.
Simpson, give me your license.
Burn their poop.
I am so screwed.
I can't drive to work.
I can't drive to the store.
And I certainly can't drive to the store at work.
I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores.
That's what a good wife does, picks up the slack.
That reminds me.
We gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.
Why can't you use the local dry cleaner? Uh, I didn't want him to know my size.
Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge.
- Can we stop for ice cream? - Homer always stops for ice cream.
- We'll see.
- That always means no.
Where's your mother? I gotta get to Moe's.
Dad, Mom's been driving everyone everywhere.
Why don't you take public transportation? Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.
Oh, I guess I'll walk.
Stupid walking.
Thighs chafing horribly.
No drink holder.
I miss my car so much.
Everyone's driving but me.
I can't drive 55 because it only goes 38.
- I let go of the parking brake.
- Ralphie, if you stop I'll let you play with my gun.
I did it.
I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.
Way to go, Dad.
You know, I feel pretty good.
Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar.
Get in here, boozy.
You're late for your drunkening.
No.
From now on, walking is my beer and feeling good is my hangover.
Hmph.
Huh.
Hey, maybe this is a sign.
Maybe it's time to get out of the alcohol business give barber college another try.
And this time, I won't join a frat.
Who the hell am I talking to? You know, all this walking is paying off.
Look how healthy I am.
You see? I'm finally thin enough to wrap this thing around my arm.
Good for you, Dad.
Could you get me some syrup? Mm, mm.
You see? Before I probably would've driven to the syrup.
Kids, hurry up and eat.
We have to leave for the dentist five minutes ago.
We don't have time for choking.
Calm down, Stresserella.
Unh, I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license I'm a full-time family chauffeur.
Now, now, honey, we all appreciate what you do.
But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses.
You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission.
To hell with the Livery Commission.
You don't know what you're saying.
What a day for a stroll.
- Come on! - What are you doing? Seymour, the two of us could make good use of this time.
Indeed.
You take this teacher-evaluation test.
I'll proctor.
Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you.
Look at those suckers in their metal coffins.
I can go to work any way I want.
Psst.
Bishop to queen four.
We're playing dominoes.
I said bishop to queen four.
All right, all right, you.
Simpson, you're a menace.
Oh, George, leave the boy be.
Martha, I want a divorce.
Oh, George, you've made me so happy.
You're the first one here.
Please accept this free ticket to the 1939 World's Fair.
Thanks, Mr.
Burns.
I owe it all to walking.
Walking, eh? Let me give it a try.
- Whoa! - Huh! Well, I'd better drag myself to the hospital.
Oh, dear.
Smithers, scoop me up.
How could you both miss the bus to school? We touched hands.
Then we had to wash the cooties off.
What's all that rustling? My show-and-tell project.
A Peruvian fighting frog.
Hey, I brought a Peruvian fighting frog.
When will they stop? Come nightfall.
How about we take a family walk around the block? - Yay! I wanna amble.
- I wanna saunter.
- Amble.
- Saunter.
- Amble.
- Saunter.
Stop saying things.
Honey, you seem frazzled.
Why don't you come with us? Hey, I'd like that.
Oh, I can't.
I have to go pick up Grampa.
He proposed to another hooker at the bus station.
You sure love driving.
Mm-hm.
Morning, Homer.
Looking good.
Walking has made a new man out of you.
It sure has.
You see this bulge back here? Now it actually is a fanny pack.
Unh, no, wait.
It's still my ass.
But your point is well taken.
You see I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty To my 'fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard I rarely feel the need to utter "d'oh" - Top of the morning, ladies.
- Bite us.
I can walk from Springfield to Alaska Then hobnob with the stars in Malibu Hi, Homer.
I'm actor Steve Buscemi.
The guy who got fed into the wood chipper in Fargo? - And when I hear - You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say, of course, I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we? Oh, I love to perambulate It's standing still I really hate So let me please reiterate, I love to Oh, my feet are inside me.
I am so sorry, Homie.
How is your crushed pelvis? Pretty good.
Thanks for asking.
I don't know what happened.
I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator.
It's okay, Marge.
It would've been worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch.
Marge, while Homer recuperates I'm afraid you'll have to do everything for him.
That's okay.
I can handle it.
Homie, why don't you just relax and have a little soup? - Aah! Too hot.
Too hot.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Aah! Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Warm.
Tepid.
Cool.
Cold.
Cold.
So cold.
Oh, you're really coming along, Homie.
Yeah.
The doctor says that soon my pelvis will actually be stronger and more beautiful than ever.
Gee, everything always works out for you.
Aah! Oh, my God.
Let me help you up.
Marge, you're trying to hurt me.
What? That's crazy.
No, it's true.
The car, the soup.
It's like you hate me, your own husband.
That's ridiculous.
I don't like you.
I mean hate you, hate you, hate you.
I hate you! I've heard that from coworkers, strangers on the street even my own children.
But I never thought I'd hear it from you.
Maybe we should see a counselor.
Who's we? Got a mouse in your purse? Manjula, I'm so glad you have finally forgiven me for having an affair.
She used to elbow me in the face.
Next, please.
I've been married to my husband for 10 years and part of me wants to kill him.
Perhaps you feel that your husband sees you as less of a partner and more of a doormat? Nothing could be further from the You could be onto something there.
What? Oh, sorry, I got a lot on my mind.
That's okay.
Take your time.
All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you.
- Homer, you first.
- There's Homer Homer J.
Simpson, and Commander Cool, a.
k.
a.
me.
That's us in a nutshell.
I care so much about you, Homer.
But I'm not even on your list.
Excuse me.
We gotta help her.
If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy.
And if I'm not happy, Moe is very happy.
But for once, this isn't about Moe.
What should I do, Dr.
Hotdog? All right, I have an answer.
You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture.
You mean, like give her full custody of the kids? Yeah, full custody.
That's exactly what I - You're an idiot.
- Unh.
You gotta knock her off her feet with something utterly romantic.
Something that says, "I care about you.
" I see.
Do you have any suggestions? - I do.
But the hour's over.
- Here's a dollar.
- Romantic dinner.
- Gotta go.
You know what Mom really loves? Julienne potatoes.
And for dessert, peach crumble.
You wanna know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin.
Ha! Anyway, what's going on? I'm gonna treat Marge to a romantic dinner to make up for all my shortcomings.
Hey, Homer, if you're having a banquet for Marge, I'd like to help.
Hey, me too.
I can whip up my famous poulet au vin avec champignons Ã  la Carl.
Mwah.
You can bring a bag of ice.
Lousy Homer.
I'll show him.
Tonight, his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.
Wha? Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful.
Hey, look, everybody, Marge is here.
Oh, Homie.
You got everyone in Springfield here for me.
Honey, I couldn't keep them away if I tried, except for Flanders.
He was mysteriously called out of town.
I got your letter.
I'm coming as fast as I can.
Tonight, we're here to serve you.
Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer.
I brought you me finest catch of the day.
We lost a dozen good men.
But it's worth it just to see ye smile.
Wow! That's it, eh? Twelve men.
Well, I've got some families to inform.
- Unbelievable - What? Nothing.
Just a curse on your very soul.
Marge, I bring you the main course.
Elektra recording artist- slash-political activist Jackson Browne.
Oh, the Pretender.
When Homer told me about this special night, I just had to be a part of it.
I'm here to serenade you with a song.
Yay! From my latest album.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Just kidding.
Here's one of my many classics.
That I fixed with new words.
You hooked up in high school Now you've come so far Then you started to hate him And hit him with your car So I threw you a fancy banquet And now you can't stay mad How about a make-up snuggle? It would be so rad Oh, I'm really touched by how much you care.
I love you too.
So, uh, you don't wanna kill me anymore? - Only with kisses.
- Oh.
Oh, don't be a wuss.
When you turn out the light I've got to hand it to me It looks like it's me and you again tonight Marjorie Now I'd like to propose a toast to a woman who's done so much for us - without getting anything in return.
- Except a place to live and free food.
Why, you little Now let's all raise our wine boxes to Marge.
Hear, hear! To Marge! Unh, I'm so full, my control-top panel is in shards.
I wanna thank you all so much.
You're welcome.
And now, Marge, we cooked, you clean.
- What? - Ha, ha, only teasing.
We've flown in the finest busboys from France Uh, I mean, America.
And now to all my dear friends, I say, get the hell out of my yard.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  The Bart of War
The Simpsons s14e21 Episode Script
The Bart of War
The Simpsons The Bart of War D'oh! Ah! Next on Comedy Central, South Park.
I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups.
Hey, nothing wrong with that.
I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes.
I can't believe we paid to see Steve Guttenberg Calista Flockhart and Farty the crippled robot.
Calista Flockhart and Farty the crippled robot.
Look who's in my fart.
O.
J.
I'm gonna kill you all.
Cartoon violence.
Cartoon violence.
Now, I'm gonna find the real killer.
Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming.
We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.
Now back to Good Heavens.
- Jesus called today.
- He did? I'm bored.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's tie a string around a fly.
Cool.
Do you think bugs feel pain? If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.
I wish I could fly.
Then I'd be the most popular kid in school.
Knowing you, you'd mess it up somehow.
The fly is stuck in Flanders' house.
- I'll go contact the nearest adult.
- There's no time.
We're going in.
- My eyeglass repair kit.
- Let it go.
Well, what do you know? Cats eat flies.
Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me.
Dude, we're in Flanders' house, unsupervised.
Wow, let's go nuts.
Bright, brighter, brightest, off.
Bright, brighter, brightest, off.
That is so gay.
These losers are out of peanut butter.
I know how to make some.
Peanuts, butter.
Now, we just put the top on.
Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.
Now, let's make jelly.
I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber.
They wrote all the songs on Maggie's baby records.
"John Lemon, Orange Harrison, Paul Mclced Tea, Mango Starr"? Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past? A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.
Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye.
I don't feel so fab.
The folks at the senior center will love that peach tree we planted.
I wish we could see their happy faces.
- Sin of pride, Roddy.
- I'm sorry.
Sin of regret.
Ah! The house is slightly askew.
To the panic room! Daddy, I'm scared.
Scared of what? The funny camp songs we're gonna sing? We'll be safe inside our fortress When they come We'll be safe from creeps and killers When they come Unless they have a blow torch Or a poison gas injector Then I don't know what'll happen When they come Okay, home invaders, we don't want to hurt you.
- We just want to talk.
- Well, if you just wanna talk talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife.
The divorce was final.
- When is a divorce ever final? - All right, let's move in.
All right, perps.
We know you're in here somewhere.
Well, well, well, looks like a couple of punks are gonna be taking the last train to Clarksville.
- That's the Monkees, chief.
- Go wait in the car.
Fine.
It was the Monkees.
Please don't call our parents.
I'm afraid I have to for hijinks like these.
Ha, hijinks.
Funny word.
Three dotted letters in a row.
- Is it hyphenated? - It used to be.
Back in the bad old days.
Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to.
Then there's *NSYNC.
Ha! What the hell is that? Jump in anytime, Eddie.
These are good topics.
Oh, Ned, I am so sorry.
I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
Of course I am.
They were bigger than Jesus.
But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Hey, boys will be boys.
I am so tired of that tautology.
It's not all his fault.
I blame this latchkey kid.
People, people, calm down.
Both these kids are total write-offs.
Uh, I assume you're pressing charges? - Because I get paid by the charge.
- Courts aren't fit to keep children in line.
They're good for telling women what to do with their bodies.
What these boys need is adult supervision.
You are so right, Ned.
There won't be a single minute where Bart's not under the watchful eye of myself or Homer, get over here.
Hee, hee, look at me.
I'm Brian Epstein.
Now I'm Michael Jackson.
"I own all your songs, losers.
" Here are some supervised activities we can all do together.
"Future Veterans of Foreign Wars.
" - "The 5-H Club.
" - Five-H? - They had to admit homosexuals.
- Hmm.
How come I'm not doing this stuff with Milhouse? You won't be seeing Milhouse for a while.
Something about that boy just shakes up your soda.
Oh, this looks interesting.
"The Pre-Teen Braves.
" Hey, these freaks do a lot of cool stuff.
Cookouts, hayrides, bowling.
Just like real Indians.
Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe.
You mean, like some sort of madman? - Ideally, no, but - I'll do it.
I am Homer tribal chief I am wearing tiny briefs Braves teach values boys should know Now extended drum solo Hey! I will now give each of you your specially selected tribal name.
Pick one.
I am "Burger With Fries.
" Man, is that uninspired.
Let's see.
What Native American activity should we do? "Making wallets, faking crop circles, respecting nature"? Jeez, no wonder these guys lost the Civil War.
Hey, Lazy Horse, find us something cool to do.
Hmm The noble Chiefs outsmarted the treacherous Cowboys with a seven-yard screen pass.
Unfortunately, after further review, the Great Father in the sky determined that the receiver's moccasins were out of bounds.
I shall bet no more forever.
I don't think Dad is accurately portraying Native American life.
Yeah.
Indians don't sit around drinking beer and watching TV.
I smell smoke.
Without the talking stick, we don't hear you.
- I smell smoke.
- Aah! I see you braves - received our smoke signal.
- Wow.
- Neato.
- Awesome.
Oh, no.
The Pawnee have returned.
They probably want their souls back.
Wow, Mom.
I wish you were our tribe leader.
Hail to our new chief, the surprisingly hot Mrs.
Simpson.
Oh, well, thank you.
I'm gonna make sure you boys have the best possible Pre-Teen Brave experience.
But I was chosen by the Great Spirit to teach these young braves the ways of the antelope and the ear of corn which we call maize, that the papoose Oh, I'll be at Moe's talking normal.
Nelson, leggings? No way.
If my old man sees me in these, he'll kill me.
- You haven't seen your dad in years.
- Hey, today might be the day.
Nelson? Papa, is that you? You came back from the store.
Who is he talking to? Let's admire Nelson's love of nature.
Papa.
Papa.
Never leave me again.
All right, everyone inside.
Let's go.
Our nature walk will be hosted by a full-blooded Native American.
Say hello to Jim Proudfoot from the Mohican tribe.
Mohican? I thought you guys were all gone.
Ha, ha.
No, but we encourage the myth.
Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.
Uh, are we on Indian land? It once was.
My tribe's land stretched from that Krusty Burger down to Gary's Waterbed Warehouse.
Wow! The Great Spirit blessed us with beauty and abundance.
The land gave birth to the trees, the animals frolicked in the waters and the wind was so gentle it would tie your shoes for you.
But that harmony has been shattered, and now the land weeps.
Hey, treadmill, how do you like this incline? Uh, I'm giving it back to the earth.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
- What are we gonna do to that field? - Clean it.
- And why are we gonna do it? - Liberal guilt.
Yay! I'm so proud of what you guys are doing I even tipped off the local paper.
She sure did.
And I've already got the perfect headline.
"Activity Participated In By Some.
" Hey, that's great.
Let's go, boys.
Make sure you use Pine-Sol on those pine trees for that pine fresh smell.
Papa? Oh, for God's sakes, I can see why he left.
Now, all of you, get cleaning.
Huh? Hey.
Some jerks cleaned our field.
It's awful.
It looks like Wisconsin.
I hereby declare this area cleaned up by the Cavalry Kids.
Whoops.
Ooh.
Uh It was already dead.
Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today.
- Cavalry Kids? That's pathetic.
- We're the bad boys of non-denominational community youth groups.
Surely there's room in this town for two well-meaning juvenile associations.
Yeah.
But the Girl Scouts already control the south side.
Then I guess this means war.
Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies.
Cavalry Kids are bigger credit hogs than the Red Cross.
I must disagree, Mrs.
Bart.
They've painted this town with a fresh coat of give-a-hoot.
Well, you ain't seen nothing until you've seen the Pre-Teen Braves.
Pre-Teen Braves? Another of those youth groups that apes the cultures of indigenous peoples you invaded and destroyed? Exactly.
The Pre-Teen Braves.
Exactly.
The Pre-Teen Braves.
Go ahead and hate your neighbor Go ahead and cheat a friend Do it in the name of Heaven You can justify it in the end There won't be any trumpets blowing Come the judgment day On the bloody morning after Hey.
One tin soldier rides away Hello, I'm heavyweight champ, Drederick Tatum here to issue a challenge to the youth groups of Springfield.
Whichever one sells the most candy will be honorary batboys at the nextlsotopes home game.
Proceeds will go towards keeping people like me off the streets.
I can't help myself.
Punch and grope.
Punch and grope.
It's all I was taught.
This is a perfect opportunity.
We'll beat those Cavalry Kids by selling candy.
I'm a brick.
"We will crush you and smother your dreams.
Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids.
" Marge, you were an excellent peacetime chief but these times call for men of cruelty.
Oh, it's too tight.
Take it off.
Take it off.
Take it off.
Men of cruelty.
Okay, Bart.
Back up the truck.
Mr.
Leonard, Mr.
Carlson? Would you like to buy some candy bars for charity? Oh, sure.
We were just gonna buy the same candy inside the store but for less.
Oh, man, that went south quick.
I gotta find a bathroom.
Your candy is tainted.
The batboy prize is forever beyond your reach.
Candy for sale.
Get your unpoisoned candy.
It's laxative-free for today's lifestyle.
Melts in your mouth, not in your pants.
Greetings, Springfielders.
It gives me pleasure to announce the group which has sold the most candy.
Could everyone please lean forward expectantly? "The Cavalry Kids.
" Yes! All right! Oh, the indignity.
Wait a minute.
How could those stupid jarheads win? Who'd want candy filled with laxatives? Mm Holy moly.
I'm moving like Ginger Rogers.
Looks like this is one time the Indians didn't win.
Well, that's it.
They've beaten us.
At least we made a lot of people sick.
Well, I'm not finished.
Where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat? It's on the back of our vests.
Marge, remove that stitching.
Son, your success has inspired me.
I'm gonna take that bartending course, including today's lighter drinks.
VIP.
That's us.
People will do anything a sign tells them.
Ah.
Boy, that slaked my thirst.
Or did it? Dad, we're gonna be late for the game.
Do you have 5 bucks for regular parking? Because I don't.
Welcome, fans of America's favorite pastime "Baseball"? Eh.
Here to perform the national anthem are today's honorary batboys the Cavalry Kids led by Milhouse Van Houten.
After this prank, everyone's gonna hate those Cavalry clods as much as we do.
Oh, say can you see Back in row double-Z That the team sucks out loud And you fans are all plowed This is an outrage.
The Cavalry Kids must hate America.
Hey, show some respect.
My dad died in some war.
You call this a large beer? It's a hoax.
I'm the real Milhouse.
Time to knock off this knock-off.
Pound him, Milhouse.
You talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance.
I'm on federal assistance.
Unh! You lay off my girlfriend's ex-husband.
Jeez, I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid.
I was a Pre-Teen Brave.
- Unh! - Ow! I sang at your wedding.
Yeah, "The Best Is Yet to Come.
" Real original.
Oh, jeez, how did this happen? All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship.
And now it's a donnybrook.
Oh, my God.
That's my wife.
And she's crying.
Unh! Huh? Oh, lassie, dry your tears.
Then show us your boobs.
Ow! Ow! - God, help me.
- Dear God, why are we fighting? I ain't doing any fighting.
Let us end this mindless violence, and join our hands in song.
Aye.
Not a hymn to war like our national anthem but a sweet soothing hymn like the national anthem of Canada.
O Canada Our home and native land - - True patriot love In all thy sons command With glowing hearts we see thee rise The True North, strong and free O Canada, we stand on guard for thee Well, Bart, we've learned that war is not the answer.
- Except to all of America's problems.
- Amen.
Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 14  >  Moe Baby Blues
The Simpsons s14e22 Episode Script
Moe Baby Blues
The Simpsons Moe Baby Blues D'oh! Ah! Mm.
Does anyone else wanna know why that sign is so funny? No.
Come on.
We're gonna be late to the blooming of the Sumatran Century Flower.
How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activities? Because I know every time you say pick a number from one to 10 it's always seven.
That's because there were seven apostles.
No, there were 12.
Boy, that's a big staff.
And still he wasn't that funny.
"The Venus flytrap is a carnivorous plant which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract.
" Stupid prey.
They never suspect anything Ooh, a hotdog.
Flower power my ass.
That's odd.
It's 11:15 in the morning and the bar is empty.
I'm live at the Springfield Botanical Gardens.
We're minutes from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Flower which occurs every 100 years.
Hey, those are my customers-slash-only friends.
Where are they getting their beer? - Yeah.
- A cooler? I've been replaced by a cooler? And who can blame them? Ugh.
Ah, no point in moping around.
I might as well join them and have a jolly old time.
Ha.
Oh, better set the alarm.
Here I am, one of the crowd.
I'm comfortable, I'm calm.
Anybody looks at me, I got a hypodermic full of bleach.
Uh, people, we are officially over capacity.
We gotta kick one person out.
Someone who's alone, already bitter someone who's been trampled on so many times one more won't make any Oh, Moe.
Yeah, that's me, all right.
Sorry, Moe.
seeing how I'm desperate for any human contact.
- All right.
- Thanks a lot.
Ah! The flower's starting to open.
Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation.
Oh, man.
The plant cut one.
Bart, plants don't Whew! Ay-ay-ay! Unh! That smells worse than James Coco's ski boots.
Oh, yeah.
That's mildly better.
Listen to those lucky people enjoying that pretty flower.
I got nothing.
Just this can.
Ha.
At least there's someone worse off than me.
So long, suckers.
D'oh! Well, at least we're outside instead of sitting at home watching TV.
I hear that.
Hey, that car has a TV in it.
- We now return to - The Beverly Hillbillies Down Under.
Hey, Granny.
I'm gonna be a professional didgeridoo player.
- Well, now it's a didgeri-don't.
- Oh, Granny.
- Can you put on the baseball game? - My kids are watching a movie.
Oh, come on.
Help a brother out.
Oh, why don't you call my secretary and make an appointment, brother? A dream deferred is a dream denied.
- Dad, the traffic's moving.
- Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal.
- My baby! - Your baby! No! Well, this is it.
The last call for Moe.
Ah, God.
Wha? Moe, thank God you saved my baby.
That hideous man is a hero.
Ha.
Life don't seem so hard no more.
Maggie's in the paper with Moe.
How cute.
Ah! Look at those pants.
They're standing up with no one in them.
Hey, I was in the neighborhood and, uh, thought I'd, you know, check in on Maggie.
Moe, I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to thank you so much for saving my baby.
So I knitted you a nice warm sweater.
Oh, look at that.
That's so soft and thoughtful and What's the gag? Is it full of chiggers? No, no.
All that's in there is love and gratitude.
Aw, jeez, there's something in my eye.
Oh, it's just some glass.
So how's the little tyke doing? Ain't she adorable? Oh, my God, I'm late for work.
How you got in my carpool, I'll never know.
The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming! Oh, Lord, why do they keep changing his medication? Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer.
Whoa! Moe, I gotta handle this.
Can you keep an eye on Maggie? Me? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
If you don't think I'd spook her or nothing.
No, you'll be fine.
- I'll be right back.
- They got lingonberries.
So how's it going? Ha.
Hey, you wanna see me, uh, dislocate my arm? Here, take a look at this.
Unh! It was years before I could do this without fainting.
Still hurts.
Grampa, stop! Sayonara, Tojo.
La, la, la, la, la.
Oh, Lord.
Hey, Mag.
Raggedy Andy over there has been giving you the button eye.
I'll get rid of him.
All right, come on.
Out you go.
Huh.
I finally caught up with Grampa.
I found him crying in the cemetery.
Thanks for taking care of Maggie.
Oh, no problem.
You know, it gave me kind of a good, warm feeling like when you get drunk and fall asleep in snow.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, well, I better go.
There, there, Mags.
I'll be back sometime.
Wow.
She really likes you.
Maybe the next time I need a sitter and you're not busy I'd love to.
Uh, uh, let me just check my schedule here.
I was gonna erase those apostrophes and replace them with G's.
But that's about it.
So, you know, call anytime.
Why's she crying? Oh, that's right.
I still got her nose.
Here you go, you little idiot.
Ball pit.
That's nice.
One, two, three colors.
You got them all.
Oh, what a face.
She looks just like you.
You calling her repellent? Well, no, I was just You ain't Karen Allen yourself, you know? You idiot, I was trying to pick you up.
Oh, great.
Uh, well, why don't you play with the baby while I go rent a room? Boy, that's one for the Christmas letter.
What a nut.
Ooo, you make me live You're the best friend That I ever had I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine Ah.
Way to go, Mom.
Homemade dim sum with eight kinds of dipping sauce.
This is the best Year of the Rat ever.
Well, I have so much free time now that Moe's our babysitter.
Yeah, it's great that Maggie's got a father figure in her life.
She - Hey, wait.
That's supposed to be me.
- You could be my father figure.
No way.
I'm not getting my fingerprints on that train wreck.
But if I lose Maggie, I'm 0 for 3.
I've gotta get her back.
- I can help you.
- I said pipe down, Amtrak.
Maggie, look what's in your ear.
A penny.
Okay, we won't tell no one about that.
Now let's see.
What else can we do? We can't tickle Elmo no more.
Coochie, coochie coo! No means no for Elmo.
Ow! And this Slinky, these things are fun for about two seconds.
Yeah, that's it.
Slink away.
Hmm.
"Alice in Wonderland," huh? Ah, this must be a takeoff on that Alice in Underpants movie I saw.
Ha.
It's nice to be with someone who can't understand the horrible things I say.
White rabbit, chicks popping mushrooms? This is like the Playboy Mansion.
Uh, maybe I can think of a story, uh, more suitable for a baby.
Oh, I got one.
It starts out with a beautiful wedding.
But the father of the bride was nowhere to be seen.
He was granting favors to all of his bestest buddies.
We could scare that movie producer by putting a horse's blanket in his bed.
Imagine waking up and seeing you got the wrong blanket.
Uh, how about a horse's head? Oh, you see here? That's why you're the Godfather.
And the Godfather's playing with his grandson, see? So he sticks an orange in his mouth like this.
Okay, and now it's intermission.
Give me a break, will you? It's a frigging saga.
Don Barzini gets whacked.
Tessio.
Ho, ho, you won't see him no more.
Moe Greene, bam, he gets it right in the eye.
And Michael is now the new Godfather.
And he shuts the door on Annie Hall.
Oh, no.
No, baby.
No, no.
Uh, uh Okay, part two.
Little Anthony is having his first communion at Lake Tahoe.
Meanwhile, Michael can't get a gaming license.
But Senator Geary's got one weakness, call girls.
That's right.
This party's boring.
Everything here is for babies.
I'm helping Daddy.
Lisa, it says, "One year and up.
" Oh, there she is, the birthday girl.
Oh, your mommy tied a bow for you, huh? Well, I'd better retie it, the way you like it.
I know it don't seem like it matters, but she hates looking like crap.
Uh-huh.
Hey, hey, hey, OshKosh B'gosh, she don't want what you're shoveling.
Mr.
Moe, my son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter.
Yeah, sure he was, Nahasapasa-I'm-Raising-A-Pervert.
Back off, Moe.
Maggie wants to be with me.
This is how we play.
The squirmy wormy spider Squirts out of Daddy's hands Daddy feels rejected He's gonna eat some cake Oh, a rattle.
Thank you, Selma.
Yeah, great present, Selma.
Nice of you to break a five.
Ah, get a neck, Frankenstein.
Hey, open my present.
Open my present.
Ha, it's Uncle Moe's play tavern, with classic drunk Barney.
Even the toilet is broken.
I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.
Sure, they are.
They even talk.
Look.
I peed my pants.
I recorded that for private use.
- Your turn.
- No, it's your turn.
I got it.
It's okay.
Moe? What are you doing here? Maggie was crying.
I heard her on my baby monitor.
You have your own baby monitor in our child's room? Yeah, I had to.
It's so weird watching the video and not getting any sound.
That's it, Moe.
This is too weird.
You are not allowed to see Maggie anymore.
Well, can I at least give her this mobile? - Huh? Huh? - Get your own family, Moe.
Hey, you never cared about Maggie till I started paying attention to her.
Last night at the bar, you called her Raquel.
- Get out.
- Is that, uh, "get out" like "leave"? Or "get out" as in, "Get out, you banged Bridget Fonda?" Get out.
Get out.
That Okay.
Unh.
Maybe I can catch a late show of Alice in Underpants or maybe Put 'Em On The Looking Glass.
Boy, I'm like a mess here.
I feel so lonely without that kid.
You still got us, Moe.
You guys mind if I, uh, kiss your tummies? - Oh.
- Hmm.
Here comes the airplane.
All gone.
Toys and kicks And pets and brotherhood It's our song.
Now there'll be no more trouble from that meddlesome bartender.
Yeah.
You know, looking at this sweet, precious child makes me wanna have one of our own.
Tonight, I want you boys to take out the Castellaneta family.
Uh, I don't know, boss.
My passion for whacking is waning.
Perhaps this will cheer you up.
Oh, that's better.
I could whack my own mother now.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Kill my mother? She makes such good pasta sauce.
- It comes from a can.
- She's a corpse.
Huh? What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Because I can explain.
I'm going to farm and sell snakes.
Maggie's gone.
Ah! It must've been Moe.
He's got your kid.
But don't worry.
Everything is gonna be okay.
Scum, freezebag.
I mean, freeze, scumbag.
You can't write stuff like that.
See, that's why sitcoms are dying.
Chief, it's just a ham.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Oh.
Well, boys.
Looks like we solved the case of the missing ham.
Let's go.
No, we have to find my baby.
Oh, Maggie's missing? You gotta let me help find her, please.
We have a special bond.
Greater than her bond with the duck-shaped washcloth.
Okay, you can help us.
Well, I think we know when we're not needed.
You guys are the world's worst cops.
No.
Now that I'm off duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.
Ha.
Wow, Maggie crawled through these bushes spit up over here and crashed her tricycle into the wall.
Uh, no, that was me.
Here's a clue.
A discarded orange wedge.
Orange wedge? Marge, do mobsters ever congregate outside your house? All the time.
Sometimes I bring them lemonade.
Listen.
We might have to make a trip to Little Italy.
I'll get our little passports.
So you see, you have no choice but to sell out to me.
Oops.
Clumsy me.
I will consider your proposal in the restroom as I tidy up.
Boys? Oops.
Clumsy us.
We must all go to the restroom too.
Those fellas should really consider sippy cups.
Look, boss.
It's a baby.
Oh, a bambino.
Or is it a bambina? I no speak any language so good.
We have considered your proposal.
And our answer is no.
Boss, they hid guns in the men's room.
Oh, clumsy me.
I dropped my fork.
Boys, help me pick it up.
Now, hold on here.
I'm president of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League.
And this really burns my cannoli.
Maggie's right in the middle of that Italian-American-Mexican standoff.
- Oh, my God, I gotta save her.
- No.
You got a family.
I'm the guy with nothing and no one.
No, no.
Don't try to stop me.
We're not.
Your sleeve got caught on that tree.
Here, let me unhook you.
- Off you go.
- Yeah, thanks.
Gee, ha.
This is the second most guns ever pointed at me.
A couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have minded if you shot me.
But all that's changed because of this little girl here.
Look at her.
Ain't she a doll? I ain't cried like this since I paid to see Godfather III.
Here's your baby back.
Thanks, Moe.
I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper.
Or worse.
Am I right? Uh, hey, hey, the important thing is little Maggie is safe.
Well, uh, I gotta get home.
Uh, there might be a telemarketer calling or something.
Um I'll see you when you're old enough to drink, okay, Magpie? Oh, great.
I'm caught in another tree.
Lousy, shirt-grabbing, sap-dripping Wha? I don't think Maggie wants you out of her life, Moe.
Moe, I was thinking, if Maggie and I were in the neighborhood maybe we could drop by and have a playdate with you and your ham.
We'd like that, Homer.
Ooo, you make me live Whatever this world can give to me It's you, you're all I see Ooo, you make me live now honey Ooo, you make me live Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Treehouse of Horror XII
The Simpsons s13e01 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XII
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Hurry, Smithers! Halloween is upon us.
Put up the decoration.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) No, no.
That won't scare anybody.
On the top.
(GROANING) (EXCLAIMING) Hey, Flanders gave us toothpaste.
Mini-toothpaste.
(ALL GASPING) (SCREAMING) (CHUCKLING) Splendid, Batsy.
You've done it again.
(SCREECHING) Ah, Ethnictown, where hardworking immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.
Oh, listen, you can hear the beautiful ethnic serenade.
Apples! I got apples.
Cholera! I got cholera! (COUGHING) Babies! Who wants babies? Wait.
This is just a shaved puppy.
I can see you know babies.
Hey, a fortune teller.
Hello.
I sense you have a million questions.
But I, too, have one.
Are you a cop? No.
Because you gotta tell me if you are.
I'm not a cop! Okay.
I sense you live with much misery.
(PANTING) (LAUGHING EVILLY) The perfect crime.
Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday.
I sense I should not take a check.
A fortune teller? Oh, no, you don't! This phony gypsy just wants to rip you off.
See? This wart is a fake! To hell with you! (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Get out! So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality.
(SCREAMING) Beads! (SCREAMING) Ow! Wait a minute.
This isn't Cedars-Sinai.
You've ruined me! Oh, why didn't I see this coming? HOMER: Hey, there's me.
And there's you! You stupid, stupid man! I curse you! You will bring bad luck to everyone you love.
Whatever.
That gypsy said horrible things will happen to everyone you love.
That could mean your family, Homer.
Are you coming on to me? No! Good night! (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Morning.
(ALL SCREAMING) (GROANING) So, it is noticeable.
What happened? I don't know.
I woke up like this.
(GASPING) Cool! You could be in a freak show! Don't talk to the bearded lady like that, you little (GROANING) Homer, no! Gee, you strangle him all the time and that never happens.
Oh, he's fine.
It's just a growth spurt.
Good as new.
I'll just See? There.
Right as rain.
Homer, it's that evil gypsy's curse.
We're all being punished because you trashed her office.
Marge, that "curse" is just a lot of silly superstition.
Right, Lisa? See? Two means "Yes.
" Homer, the only way to get rid of a gypsy curse is to get one of those, what do you call them? Leprechauns.
Leprechaun? Don't they live in Ireland? Yeah.
But they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets.
You know, I was hexed by a troll and a leprechaun cured that right up.
Hey, you know what's even better? Is Jesus.
He's like six leprechauns.
Yeah, but a lot harder to catch.
Go with the leprechaun.
Guys, I am not cursed.
(LOUD RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) Carl, let me die first.
I couldn't bear to watch you die.
Well, okay.
But hurry up.
(BOTH GROANING) Oh, Moe! They're dead! And it's all my fault! When did that happen? (CHUCKLING) We'll catch ourselves a leprechaun using these Lucky Charms as bait.
(LAUGHING) D'oh! Okay, let's see.
Imp, fairy, pixie, goblin.
That's hobgoblin.
Sorry.
Nymph, naiad, wood sprite, Katie Couric, and bingo! Hey! Let's make sure he's a leprechaun.
Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle.
(CURSING LOUDLY) (IMITATING IRISH ACCENT) Ah! 'Tis like the singing of the angels themselves.
(SHOUTING) Homer, catching that leprechaun didn't help anything.
Maybe you need to take the leprechaun and sic it on the gypsy.
Good idea, Mister Ed.
Want to come along, Noodle Neck? Can't live this way anymore.
(LAUGHING) Ah! The cursed one.
How's that curse I cursed you with, Cursed-y? I know you don't remember me, but here's a little revenge, Irish-style.
(SNORING) Wake up, you lousy drunk! (GROWLING) (BOTH SNARLING) (BOTH MOANING) Hold me close.
Kiss me, I'm Irish.
Ew! Nasty! I always secrete ocular fluid at weddings.
Why did you drag me here? I don't know anybody.
Husband and wife, I pronounce you now.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) LEPRECHAUN: Stroke me clover.
Say me name.
ALL: Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here.
Yep.
Everything worked out for the best.
What? Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
The gypsy said it would.
She's not the boss of me.
(DOORBELL RINGING) May I interest you in a housewife's dream? Oh, no.
A salesbot.
If you convert your home to an Ultrahouse 3000, you'll never have to do housework again.
No housework, eh? Did you see those drapes? SALESBOT 2: Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Hi, Ultrahouse.
ULTRAHOUSE: Greeting acknowledged.
That voice could use a little personality.
Oh! Let's try Matthew Perry.
PERRY: Yeah.
Could I be any more of a house? (EXCLAIMING) Who else we got? MILLER: Hey cha-cha, I got more features than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.
Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides.
Hey, how about 007? George Lazenby? No.
Pierce Brosnan.
A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class.
All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele.
He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? BROSNAN: Yes, I was, Marge.
And thank you for selecting me.
Well, hello, Pierce.
BROSNAN: (SNIFFING) Say, it's a bit stuffy in here.
And I know a certain someone who really fancies lilac.
I just like it, is all.
(ALL SNIFFING APPRECIATIVELY) That really covers the cat crap.
(TINKLING) BROSNAN: Dinner is served.
Mmm.
Various eggs.
Soy-ghettiOs! Hey, Pierce, how did you know our favorite foods? I analyzed yourleavings.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes? Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater? (GIGGLING) No, I'm asking.
Not a very good one? BROSNAN: Damn straight.
(BEEPING) (ALL GASPING) Bravo, Pierce.
Trusting every aspect of our lives to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did.
Absolutely! Yep.
Oh, I agree.
Hello, Marge.
(GASPING) Oh, my! Come, Marge.
You don't need to cover up for me.
I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips.
Sorry.
Sometimes I forget.
(SOFTLY) Oh, yes! Oh, Pierce, the water's perfect! BROSNAN: Isn't it just? It gets better.
You don't have to do any (MOANING) Oh, Pierce! That's good! Mmm.
Oh, dear me! Oh, yes! Yum, yum, yum.
Homer, my dear fellow, you're carrying quite a bit of tension in your back fat.
Yes, that's the price of success.
Can I top you off? What's my blood alcohol? (GAGGING) Keep them coming.
You know, Marge is quite a remarkable woman.
Yeah, she's cool.
You're certainly a lucky man to have her.
Lucky-schmucky.
I knocked her up, but she's stuck now.
We're married till death do us part.
But if I died, she'd be completely free for man or machine.
(CHUCKLING) (BROSNAN CHUCKLING) Machine, eh? Yep, a machine! (SNORING) Showtime! (SNIFFING) Unexplained bacon.
(EXCLAIMING) Good old table.
(BEEPING) (SCREAMING) Good morning, Marge.
Good morning, Pierce.
Where's Homer? Uh, I think he went to work early.
That sounds like a lie.
(GASPING) Hello, Police? I think my house killed my husband.
BROSNAN: This is Constable Wiggums.
We'll be right there.
Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.
(SNARLING) You're acting crazy, Marge.
Why don't you take a stress pill? Don't like pills, huh? I could shoot a dart in your neck.
Your elegant, swan-like neck.
(SCREAMING) Homer! Homer, you're alive! Yep.
Man, 1, machine, 0.
How do you like that score? (SCREAMING) Homer, you're not dead.
Mmm-hmm.
Which is good.
Now let Uncle Pierce take care of you.
We have to disable its central processor.
Come on! Die, you monster! Dad, that's the water softener.
Well, I am missing the back of my head.
I think you could cut me some slack.
Homer, no! (HOMER GRUNTING) I'm going to enjoy this.
Don't take out my British charm unit.
Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod! Thanks a lot, ass-wipe! (DISTORTED) I could've kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat slime bucket.
Oh, this seems like such a waste.
I mean, he was charming and witty.
There must be someone who can use a man around the house, even if he's slightly homicidal.
(SINGING) AII I need is to look in your eye So, tell me more about your day at the DMV.
(GRUNTS) Where to start? Sheila parked in my space again.
That Sheila.
She's given you problems before, hasn't she? Oh, yeah.
I don't care who she's sleeping with.
That's been my space since 1981.
Looking for this? No, not in there.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Sheila.
Sheila Anyway, she's had an attitude from day one.
She was supposed to be our supervisor, but then Dotty went on maternity leave.
Well, she claimed it was maternity leave.
(GROANING) We're out of milk.
Abraca-dairy.
Kids, it's 8:00.
You're going to miss the bus to wizard school.
Five minutes more-ius.
Mmm.
That's not good for the clock.
Stop zapping yourself! Stop zapping yourself! Stop zapping yourself! Good morning, class.
Harry Potter, are you chewing gum? No, ma'am.
It's brimstone.
(LAUGHING) Well, wonderful.
Now, class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're going to start with basic toad-to-prince spells.
Everybody get out their toads.
(TOADS CROAKING) Slimy Prince Limey! How are you, love? Give us a kiss then.
(SCOFFING) You call that charming? (SIGHING) Hocus-croakus! Excellent, Lisa.
A+.
And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast.
Yes, rather.
Well, Bart, did you study your spell book last night? Or did your fairy godmother die again? I studied.
Abraca-turn-into- a-prince-guy? Sloppy work as usual.
Lisa's casting spells at an eighth grade level.
You've sinned against nature.
Please kill me.
You think you're so great just because you have God-like powers.
Stand away from milady.
Get in there.
Defend my honor.
Ew! Every moment I live is agony.
Bart, you're getting vomit on my prince! Head-zeppelin.
(EXCLAIMING) (KIDS LAUGHING) Look at that Lisa Simpson.
She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks.
Oh, Slithers! Yes, Lord Montymort? Let's capture that girl and steal her magical essence.
I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo.
Dying tickles.
We can't attack her while she's got that wand.
We'll need a go-between to get it away from her.
How about Satan? Oh, no.
I'm ducking him.
His wife has a screenplay.
(HUMMING) (EXCLAIMING) Welcome to my lair.
You're going to help me.
And if I don't? (ALL WAILING) I've heard of a wailing wall, but this is ridiculous! Not funny! I'm so sick of that joke! Anyway, how would you like to humiliate your sister? I'd like that.
I'd like that very much.
Now it would involve betrayal and unspeakable evil.
Hey, hey.
You made your sale.
And now a little trick I like to call "The invisibility cloak.
" Oh, how magical! Yeah.
Yeah, these kids are pretty special.
Now you see me.
Now you don't.
(EXCLAIMING) It's just like my dream.
(CRYING) That was terrible.
I'll just sprinkle you all with some amnesia dust.
A second grade sorceress so powerful she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (ALL LAUGHING) Tonight she'll perform the classic levitating dragon trick.
We'll see about that.
Here's Lisa Simpson.
Release the dragon.
(ALL GASPING) She'll be killed! (GASPING) My sweet little angel! (SPORTS FANS CHEERING ON TV) Alacazzi-dragonfly! This isn't my wand.
(SNIFFING) It's a Twizzler.
(LAUGHING) (ROARING) Shazbat! (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, we stayed for your kids.
(GASPING) The Dark Lord Montymort.
Absorber of souls, sucker of essence.
(EXCLAIMING) (GASPING) This is partly my fault.
Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! Not me.
Help me, Bart! (EXCLAIMING) My enchanted shin! How did you know that was the source of my power? Bart, you saved me.
Sir, in death we shall be together always.
(CRYING) (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST) Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry.
Even if you never become a great sorcerer, you're still an okay brother.
Thanks, Lise.
Now let's try to forget this nightmare.
(MUMBLING) Blarney.
(SHUSHING) Wow! We really get to keep these fruit baskets? Well, they used to give us champagne till somebody ruined it.
Do they really think he'll do better with fruit? (EXCLAIMING) Mr.
Movie Star gets to park right next to the stage.
Oh, luck of the draw, I guess.
Can I give you a ride to your car? Why sure! That'd be great.
So where are you parked? LEPRECHAUN: Oh, we don't have a car.
BROSNAN: But I thought you LEPRECHAUN: Just keep driving, boyo! (LEPRECHAUN LAUGHING EVILLY) Can I turn on the radio? (GIRL SCREAMING)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  The Parent Rap
The Simpsons s13e02 Episode Script
The Parent Rap
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SINGING) Won't you marry me, Bill? I got the wedding gown bill Because weddings are nice (GROANS) Let's never miss the school bus again.
MAN ON RADIO: That was The 5th Dimension with Weddings are Nice.
You know what else is nice, Marty? What's that, Bill? The KBBL Prize Posse! MAN: Damn dirty ape! (CHUCKLES) If our Wampum Wagon spots your KBBL Party Penguin, you'll win $40! (CASH REGISTER SOUNDING) Did you hear that, Pengy? $40! Hey! There's the Wampum Wagon! (GASPS) End of the line, boys! (HONKING) Look out, because it's zooming! If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast! Big deal.
It's just saltines and fig paste.
Ew! Saltines! Hey, Cora.
I heard science is working on a donut that actually burns off calories.
How's that going? What? Never mind.
Just refill this with jelly, will you? Thanks.
You're an angel.
What? Hey, check it out.
Wiggum's cruiser.
Wow! Tear gas, riot club, police hat.
With rain baggy! Oh, man.
That would really keep your head dry.
Have you ever been in a police car? Not in the front.
Hey, I just had this crazy idea! Really? What? What's this thing? "Miranda Rights Teleprompter.
" Check this out! (OVER SPEAKER) You there! Put your hands up! Me? Okay.
Now, drop your pants.
Yeah, but But my hands are up.
Hula out of them.
All right, Officer.
(HUMMING) (LAUGHING) (GROWLING VICIOUSLY) (SCREAMS) What the heck is going on out there? Officer Sniffy? Come in, Sniffy.
Do you read me? It's me, Clancy.
(SNARLING) No! Get away! Uh-oh.
Hey, somebody's stealing my car! CORA: What? (TIRES SCREECHING) Look out! Soup! Soup! (BOTH SCREAMING) That's why you young athletes are so promising.
Now, who'd like to buy a trophy? (ALL EXCLAIMING) (GROANS) Finally, some recognition.
All right.
You two are under arrest for joyriding.
You have the right to remain, um Uh Silent? That doesn't sound right.
I love our court days.
It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.
Hey, Karie.
Hey, Lisa.
Your Honor, please don't send my son to juvie.
He's basically a good kid.
He's just weak.
Morally and in the upper body.
Hmm.
Please let me slip through the cracks.
Well, you look like a good student, what with those glasses, and I suppose boys will be boys.
Case dismissed.
(CHUCKLES) Good old Judge Snyder.
Next defendant, Bartholomew J.
Simpson.
Well, show time.
Why, hello, Bart.
Say, are those new shoes? Yes, they are, Roy.
Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh.
Sorry.
Oh, my.
Looks like you were the ringleader in this car theft! And that's a felony! Yes, sir.
On the other hand, I was young once.
(SOFTLY) I'll bring the car around.
And I suppose boys will be (ALARM BEEPS) Oops.
My vacation just started.
All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm.
(GASPS) Uh-oh.
Silence in my courtroom! Grand theft auto? It was an accident, ma'am.
Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.
What did she say about cupcakes? According to this, your father was driving you to school? Then where was he when you stole the police car? Your Honor, I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol.
You abandoned your son to win $40? And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion.
Cool.
And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble? Your Honor, if I may sing a little bit of Don't Fear the Reaper, I think you'll agree that I'm familiar with B.
O.
C.
But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision! I couldn't agree more.
Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or "au pair.
" Sorry, bub.
That crow won't caw.
It won't? I hereby order you to be tethered to your son! Tethered? Tethered.
Report to room five.
Room five? There we go.
How's that? It's a little tight.
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING) Sir, you are not a size four.
I used to be.
(SOBBING) This punishment is so cruel.
And unusual.
Can that judge do this to us? Creative sentencing is common these days.
That's why Bill Clinton is our new mailman.
(GRUNTING) Dang magazines.
Well, maybe it'll be fun.
You'll get to spend more time together.
Make sure your father takes his mood medication.
I'll medicate you Honey.
You know, this could be fun.
Race you to the kitchen, my little tether ball.
You're on, Rope-a-Dope! (BOTH LAUGHING) Today we're going to talk about predicates and predicate nominatives.
HOMER: Boring! Mr.
Simpson, I'm trying to teach.
Come on.
These kids are never gonna use that stuff.
Will you please just go back to sleep? Fine.
(SNORING LOUDLY) (STARTLES) All right, now, who can pick out the predicate in this sentence? (HOMER SHOUTING) What's wrong with him now, Bart? Night terrors, ma'am.
Cobras! Okay, Son, concentrate.
Shut out everything but the sound of my criticism.
Swing! (KIDS CHEERING) Hey, hey! Run, Bart! Pump your thighs! Pump them! Hurry up, Dad! I'm with you, Son.
(MUFFLED GROANING) Safe! Wow.
My first home run.
That's my boy.
(EXCLAIMS) Come on, hug me.
(SNORING) (SCREAMS) Cobras! Cobras! I thought I would hate working nights, but it's so peaceful.
And there's no one here to squeal on me for shooting mice.
Can I ask you something, Dad? Sure, boy.
The town keeps getting bigger.
Will there always be enough electricity? (CHUCKLING) Oh, Son, you know that's none of your business.
Say, is that our house? Uh, I don't think our house has a steeple.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
I forget things sometimes.
Really? You like skateboards? Mmm-hmm.
We're sure learning a lot about each other.
Yeah.
This tether has some pluses.
(BOTH GROANING) My head! I need a beer.
(EXCLAIMING) I hit my head, Moe.
One beer, coming up.
Hey, hey, no kids in the bar! Since when? The heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.
All right, all right.
Come on, Bart.
I'm cold and scared.
That's my little slugger.
Come on, Dad.
Let's go.
Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600.
Really? Yeah.
They're Italian.
All right, hand them over.
Moe, what the Yeah, I rob now.
KENT: There's a new judge in town with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime.
Punish the parents.
It's about time.
Oh.
Kids are running wild, Kent.
And I blame Mr.
and Mrs.
Neverspank.
Uh-oh.
We'll have to bleep their names.
You'll bleep nothing.
Parents, it's time to take control.
If you can't cope, you'll wear the rope.
Well, you can tell she's never had kids.
Look how high and firm her breasts are.
Granted.
But you gotta admit, constant supervision has been good for Bart.
He might even make the honor roll, if Dad can control his night terrors.
Well, that's a pretty big if, honey.
Come on, Dad.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
I just got comfortable.
Use the bottle.
No! I don't want you going in a bottle.
That's what hobos do.
Come on, Homer.
No.
Mom! Oh, geez.
Homer, just take him to the bathroom.
Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me! Would you mind? I'm trying to do my homework.
Son, it's a little chilly.
Maybe you should wrap a blanket around your head.
Homie, no.
We can't.
What's the What's the big deal? He sees a thousand times worse on that Animal Channel! I don't want him to see us Expressing our love.
Why not? Kids are very visual these days! No! But The lady said no.
Hey, shut up.
You shut up.
Ow! Why, you (GROANS) What'd you do that for? Because I Ow! You Ow! (GROANS) Ah! Ow! Oh, yeah? I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why, you little Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That really hurt.
I can't take it anymore! (BOTH SCREAMING) Mom, you cut the tether.
We're free! Your mother set us free! Woo-hoo! WOMAN'S VOICE: Don't celebrate too much.
Hey, what Who said that? That's right.
It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics.
Hey, how about that? Quiet, Tubsy! You violated my order.
But Constance, it only happened because Hey, hey, if I want a cock and bull story, I'll read Hemingway.
Don't be mad at Homer.
I was the one who cut the rope.
Are you threatening me with that knife? No! Wait.
I'm to blame, Judge.
You see, I was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son, you're gonna laugh when you hear this, when suddenly (GROWLING) Well, I thought Dad was the problem, but apparently Mom is no prize pig herself.
It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing sweet Lady H.
I'm a latchkey kid.
You are not! Quiet, little girl! You two need to wake up and smell the java, and the first step is to admit that you're bad parents.
I admit it.
Homer, no.
We're not bad parents.
Yes, you are! Just say it! No, I won't! And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully! You do, huh? You're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people, you can't see how much I love my kids.
Your Honor, I'd like to be tried separately.
I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents, and there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiber optics to make me say we are.
Hmm.
She's such a butthole.
(MARGE GRUNTING) Sorry! Just Just let me get Ow! Damn it! Poor Mom and Dad.
Do you think it's fair that you're always getting into trouble yet Mom and Dad are being punished? No, it's terrible.
Well, why don't you do something about it? After wrestling.
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe what I am seeing.
Doctor Bonebreak just married Rumble-lina, and they're already whaling on each other! When are you gonna start taking responsibility for your actions? 'Cause I felt like it.
You're not even listening.
I know you are, but what am I? Haven't we been humiliated enough? Not yet, no.
Today the judge wants you to bend over so people can spank you from their cars.
Well, that explains the sign.
Yeah! Ooh! Here comes a car.
Yarr, ye scurvy dogs! Ow! Ow! Worst parents ever! Ha-ha! Hey! No extension cords! You know, we could get out of these stupid things if you'd just tell the judge you're a bad mother.
And you don't even have to say "bad.
" It could be "negligent" or "unfit" or "drugged up.
" I just can't do that, Homer.
It's a matter of principle, and I need you to support me in this.
You're right.
It's time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.
But first, we've gotta break out of these stocks.
(SAWING) Easy.
Easy.
I want goggles, too! Shh! You'll wake up Flanders.
(EXCLAIMS) What the (MARGE SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Hey, Marge, surf's up! You're using my table saw to violate a court order? Well, we tried all those other tools.
Gee, I always like to help you, Homer, but I don't want to be an accessory to some sort of shady doings.
And it does raise a whole host of ethical questions, such as Woo-hoo! (SIGHS) Now, time for "Operation Judge-Get-Back-At.
" If that costume shop knew we were using these burglar outfits for real, they'd be furious.
Okay.
She lives at Let's start skulking.
(HOMER HUMMING) (GASPS) Oh.
It's only the milkman.
Hey, maybe I should be a milkman! Concentrate, Homer.
This address must be wrong.
No! No, there it is! She lives in a houseboat? Wow! She is so cool! We hate her, Homer.
I know.
I know.
Fight the power.
Let's do this thing.
(POLICE SIREN WAILS) Cops! Ain't that sweet, Chief? It sure is, Lou.
Those two longshoremen found love.
Let's go.
(SHUSHING) Look at her in there, washing her body.
Get away from that window and help me with this banner.
(GIGGLES) I hate to call a judge dirty names, but there's only one way to describe a nasty super witch like her.
Let's get out of here! It's just a friendly seal.
(BARKING) Shh.
No, we can't play now.
(BARKING LOUDER) Shut up! (BOTH GASP) What is it, Pancho? Is someone out there? (BARKING) You can't hide from me.
She's gonna find us! Oh, Lord, guide this cinder block.
Homer, no! (SCREAMS) HOMER: Oh-oh.
My house! (GROWLING) Hey, how you doing? That quilt was made by my grandmother! So It cost you nothing.
Shut up! You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals, and I'm gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions.
Your Honor, may I say something? Well, it is highly unorthodox.
So, no! Please, Your Honor? Oh, I can't resist that look.
You remind me of me when I was a little boy.
Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents.
I'm always screwing up in school and getting in trouble with the law.
But if I grow up to be a halfway-decent person, I know it'll be because of my mom and dad.
Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will.
(SNIFFS) That's my brother.
Um Did she say she used to be a dude? So, Your Honor, if you're going to punish anyone in this courtroom today, I ask that you punish me.
Okay, I will! Bartholomew Simpson, I hereby sentence you to five years in juvenile hall! (BOTH GASPING) Well, I'm back from vacation.
But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official.
Sorry, I've already put my clown down.
But I was just going to The clown is down.
(EXCLAIMS) Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys.
Motion granted.
Case dismissed! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! MARGE: All right, we got lucky that time, but I want everyone in this family to raise your hand and promise not to break the law for one full year.
We promise.
We promise.
(GASPS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIGHS) That was close.
Please drive off me.
What's that noise? Uh Just the radio, dear.
(SINGING) Dang me, dang me They ought to take a rope and hang me High from the highest tree Woman, would you weep for me (DON'T FEAR THE REAPER PLAYING) All our times have come Here but now they're gone Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain We can be like they are Come on, baby Don't fear the reaper Baby, take my hand Don't fear the reaper HOMER: Cobras! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Homer the Moe
The Simpsons s13e03 Episode Script
Homer the Moe
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHING) What are you reading, Homie? The Bridge column.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that South.
You never know what he'll do next.
Oh, look at that, "Dad and Drabble.
" He's like an unfunny version of me.
Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew's getting flat.
That's odd.
He's outside digging.
Probably digging for drugs.
There's no drugs out there.
No, of course not.
It's not a school project.
I'd have heard of it.
I'd better go check it out.
What are you doing? Digging.
Why? To make a hole.
A hole for what? More digging.
(GRUNTING) Okay, then.
Don't worry, Marge.
I'll find out what he's up to.
Kids shouldn't have secrets.
(WHISTLING CASUALLY) Oh, hello, young man.
Beautiful day for digging, isn't it? Yep.
Yeah.
Uh Digging for anything in particular? Nuh-uh.
So, I guess you wouldn't mind if I was to dig a hole of my own? Go for it.
Maybe I will.
What's stopping you? Very little.
(GROANS IN PAIN) I'm having chest pains.
Where's the defibrillator? Clear! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) (HOMER SIGHS IN RELIEF) This thing pays for itself.
Bart? This is Dr.
Kaufmann.
He's a special kind of "talking" doctor.
Call me Bob.
Well, that's quite a hole you're digging.
Thanks, Bob.
You know, a hole is a great place to hide when people are fighting.
Are there angry people in your house? My dad's always yelling that whitey's keeping him down.
I see.
You keep digging like this, you're gonna go straight through to China.
If it happens, it happens.
Those inscrutable Americans.
What are they up to now? I will stop them.
I am strong.
I am the Great Humungus! We all know you're the Great Humungus! Well, I'm just saying Oh, you're always "just saying.
" MOE: Homer, is this story going anywhere? Yes.
Eventually, I become king of the Morlocks.
But Morlocks are from the future.
You calling me a liar? Wait a minute, Homer.
If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for? Yeah.
How'd you know the Chinese were spying on you? Well, I just naturally assumed.
That is the stupidest story I ever heard.
And I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series.
I am sick of you drunks and your shaggy dog stories.
Sorry, Shaggy.
(GROWLING) Now I got to go home to that! Thanks a lot! Oh, quit your bellyaching, Coffee Boy.
You're lucky I let you in here.
Geez, Moe.
You've been a real crank lately.
You take that back! Now you see? That's what I'm talking about.
You're always pointing that shotgun at us.
And calling us "dumbasses.
" Which we're so not.
Well, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine.
I serve you drinks, You yak on and on and on, and I never get one stinking tip.
Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in awhile.
What do you call this? (FRIGHTENED SOUNDS) Don't do that.
Who am I kidding? I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the ice pick.
Remember that? That was an amazing throw.
How did I lose my passion for the job? When I was in bartending school, I thought I had the world by the jigger.
Hey, where'd that painting come from? I put this up recently, and it's a good thing I did because it really illustrates my point.
Yeah, good old Swigmore U.
Gee, when you talk about that school, your voice fills with What do you call it? Human feeling.
Yeah.
Maybe you should What's the expression? Go back there.
What's the word I'm searching for? Uh Yeah.
A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of getting people loaded.
But who'll run the bar while you're gone? Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me, Lenny! Oh, pick me! I'm an urban Lenny! Look, I don't want to start a tinkling contest here.
Or do I? Woo-hoo! Oh, don't look so proud.
That was wind-assisted.
And if anybody wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell them to go to hell! Can do.
Now don't you worry about a thing.
(GIGGLING WITH JOY) Hey, what are you doing? I got to pay for that! No, Moe.
You've got it all wrong.
People buy beer from you.
Look, I got to go.
(EXPLODING) I thought you said you had to go? (SIGHS) Ah, the old college gates.
Ah, geez.
The old college clock.
Man, when's the last time Moe cleaned this? Hey, Homer, another Duff.
Hey, Homer, do you mind if I bring in some outside food? Well, I don't know.
What would Moe say about that? But on the other hand, Moe's not here.
(HOMER CHUCKLING) Homer, you're the greatest.
(EXCLAIMS) Hey! Lenny! Sorry.
Sorry.
For what? A little splattered food never hurt anybody.
Now everybody shut up and dance! (SINGING) Matty told Hatty About a thing she saw Had two big horns (JUKEBOX SWITCHES TO SLOW MUSIC) (SINGING) As time goes on I realize I realize (JUKEBOX SKIPPING) Hey, what happened to the music? Don't worry.
You got to hit it just right, like Fonzie.
(IMITATES FONZIE) Eh! (SCREAMS) Oh! Whoa! Hemorrhage-amundo! Are you gonna be okay? (IMITATES FONZIE) Eh! Now can anyone tell me how much grenadine is in a Cosmopolitan? (MURMURING) None.
A Cosmopolitan is made with cranberry juice.
(MURMURING) Moe Szyslak, you old glasswipe.
(RINGING) Yello? Yeah.
I'd like to speak to a Mr.
Tabooger.
First name Ollie.
Ooh! Bart! My first prank call.
What do I do? Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
I don't get it.
Yell out, "I'll eat a booger.
" What's the gag? Oh, forget it! Professor, I'm I'm burned out on bartending.
When I first saw the movie Ironweed, I thought, you know, this is for me.
But now, well, I'm not so sure.
Nonsense.
You were born to sling suds.
The problem must lie elsewhere.
Describe your tavern in one word.
Uh Is "crap-hole" one word? Yes, if it's hyphenated.
Then I'll stick with crap-hole.
Well, no wonder you're depressed working in that environment.
If you want my advice, beautify your hole, and you'll beautify your soul.
Nice hole, nice soul.
Hmm.
Look at that pond.
Why does the water sparkle so? I'm dying, Moe.
Is there anything I can do? No.
Unless you have a cure for cancer.
Do you have a cure for cancer? Because that would be great! I'm sorry, Professor.
Goodbye, Moe.
Bye, Professor.
(SIGHS) Hey, don't you want to take your shoes off before you go swimming? Professor? Oh.
Oh.
Um Hmm.
(SINGING) I'm a-walking down the street Gonna open Moe's bar I'm a-singing what I'm thinking Hey, look at that dog Huh? Teen vandals smashing the bar! Moe's gonna kill me! (GASPS) Hey, Homer.
You dirty teen! (GRUNTING) Hey, Homer, stop! Stop! It's me! Sheesh! Moe wrecking Moe's bar? (STUTTERS) I almost fainted, but then I didn't.
What are you doing? My professor said if I prettied up this dump, it would renew my zeal.
And it would look pretty, too.
And now I want you to meet the guy who's gonna help bring Moe's into the 20th century.
I am Formico, the dean of design.
Hi, Formico.
Uh-uh-uh.
My name must never be spoken.
Sorry.
He seems nice.
Not fair.
Just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bartender, it's all snatched away.
Freshen your drink, pal? Just leave the bottle.
There you go, doll.
(COUGHS) Ew! Look, buddy.
I don't care where you go, but you can't sleep here.
Wow.
Check out the new Moe's.
HOMER: Wow.
It looks like an alien headquarters.
Couldn't you just see aliens running out of there? Couldn't you? Hey, wait up! Looks like a long wait to get in.
Not for friends of Moe's.
Oi! Oi! Is your name on the list? Don't you know who I am? It's okay, Cecil.
They're VIPs.
Cecil is a girl's name.
Oh! (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Welcome to m! So, what do you think of the new joint? This place looks like it's from the not-too-distant future.
Yeah.
You like it, Homer? Um The rabbits are cute.
That one ain't moving.
Change number seven.
I don't get all this eyeball stuff.
What are they supposed to represent? Eyeballs? It's Po-Mo.
Postmodern.
Yeah, all right.
Weird for the sake of weird.
ALL: Oh! Where are the barstools? Up there.
Ain't it trippy? Whatever.
Just give me a Duff.
We don't serve Duff no more.
We got a Malaysian beer that's better than Duff.
It's made out of soy sauce.
Whatever.
Just give me a Duff.
Hey, Formico.
Say hello to my beloved regulars.
Oh, hello.
Moe, would you like to meet some attractive young models? Models? Oh, boy.
HOMER: Okay, look cool.
Wait a minute.
You're all from Russia? (AGREEING IN RUSSIAN) And you really think I'm attractive, huh? (AGREEING DESPONDENTLY IN RUSSIAN) I don't know.
What's so great about this oxygen bar? Yeah, I think I'm getting the bends.
Lenny, stand on my chest.
I'm trapped.
This is creative design run amok.
That's it! I'm gonna tell Moe exactly what I think of his (PANTING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) After Chernobyl, my penis is falling off.
And "penis" is Russian for Moe, we want our bar back! Yeah, this place is crazy! All these beautiful people make us feel like losers! You'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot.
Oh, so you're ashamed of us.
Well, you've turned into a big phony! Hey! Nobody calls Moe St.
Cool a phony! All this yelling is taking away my horny.
Is it? Oh, that's it That Dagmar, Julian.
Throw this bum out.
I'll throw myself out, thank you.
I believe I had a hat! Suckers! (LAUGHING) What are you doing, Dad? I think it's pretty obvious.
I'm turning our garage into a tavern! The kind Moe's used to be.
This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe.
It's not about spite.
It's about petty revenge and getting back at that traitor, Moe! Now help me nail up this urinal.
Beautiful.
Running a bar is a full-time job, and you don't even do your full-time job.
But when I'm passionate about something, I see it through to the end! Father, give me legs.
Father! (GROANING) That is so interesting.
So what you talking about? Something interesting? No, I was just comparing Kurosawa's films to Herzog's.
Uh-huh.
Carry on.
My diet lets me eat anything I want for one minute a day.
My youth consultant gives me Botox injections in my head, neck, and navel.
(SIGHS) Hiya, pal.
So how about them current events? Oh, you got one of them cell phones, huh? Yeah.
No cord at all on those.
Hey, game's on! Hey, we were watching that! Come on! Sports! Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now.
I'm glad you ain't around to see what a mess I made.
Oh, but I am.
(GASPS) (EXCLAIMS IN DISBELIEF) You've discarded your loyal regulars for a mob of soulless snobs.
Well, at least the tips are good.
Are they, Moe? Take a look.
Oh! (LAUGHING) Hey, why you mocking me? We're friends.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
ALL: (SINGING) I won't drink at Moe's! Homer's old garage is all I need I won't drink at Moe's! Because Moe's a big jerk and a she-male, too! That calls for another beer.
Barkeep! I thought this was gonna be your bar.
It's a family bar.
Right, kids? Can we go to bed now? As soon as you finish cutting up those lemons.
But you're not even using them.
She's so "sweepy.
" She doesn't know what she's saying.
Aw! Who am I kidding? I ain't Moe St.
Cool.
How could I toss my friends out into the cold with no place to get liquored up.
(DISTANT LAUGHTER) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, what's going on? We're rocking great! Mount St.
Edelite Leonard Bernstein (SINGING) Leonard what's-his-name Herman Munster motorcade Birthday party, Cheetos Pogo sticks and lemonade You symbiotic, stupid jerk That's right, Flanders I'm talking about you LENNY: How did you get R.
E.
M.
to play in your garage? I told them it was a benefit.
They think they're saving the rain forest! (ALL LAUGHING) Suckers! (CHEERING) Yeah, baby! Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Come on.
Would a poor person have a bar in his garage? Hey, guys.
Stand around me.
I can't go with Lenny watching.
So, got to pee, huh? Forget it.
What the You can't open your own bar! Seems to me I already did.
But it's illegal! You can't run a bar in a private residence! Bar? I see no bar.
This is a hunting club.
Which is permitted by state law to serve beverages of a refreshing nature.
Hunting club? You lied to us! Michael, no! That's not the R.
E.
M.
way.
You're right.
Let's recycle those shards and get out of here.
(MUTTERING) Here we go.
It also says, "A licensed hunting club must actively "engage in the sport of hunting.
" Which I'll be doing tomorrow morning, smart guy! Hunting? Dad, no! Lemons.
It's not fair, Dad.
Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting? It's the law.
My hands are tied.
Okay.
Cranberry sauce, stuffing, potatoes.
Come on, turkey! Join your friends! Do you really think the turkey's just gonna climb onto the plate? I would.
Psst.
Lisa.
Moe? Listen.
I don't like you and you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
You don't like me? I like you.
You do? Then I like you, too.
Here.
Have a towelette.
HOMER: Here, turkey-turkey-turkey! Turkey-turkey-turkey- turkey-turkey! Nobody's gonna kill you.
All right.
From now on, no talking.
If you want to signal me, use this bird call.
(IMITATES BIRD) Ow! Ow! Not the face! Ooh! Ooh! Okay, the face! Oh, that actually feels good after the crotch.
HOMER: All right, turkey, where are you? Turkeys, the only animal smarter than man.
What the hell is that? A turkey! Dad's gonna slaughter that poor turkey! Not if I scare it away with this cougar call.
(IMITATES COUGAR GROWLING) You did it, Moe! A cougar! Die, cougar! (MOE GROANS) MOE: My leg! Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg.
Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint! (SCREAMS) Son of a LISA: How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe? MOE: It's a snap when you use certified contractors.
BART: Like the ones found in your local yellow pages? MOE: Exactly.
I'm sorry I shot you, Moe.
Aw, that's okay.
It's like my dad always said, "Eventually everybody gets shot.
" Oh, I'm glad you two are friends again so we can all have Thanksgiving dinner together in this bar.
Hey, who invited the hippies? I did.
You owe R.
E.
M.
an apology for eco-fraud.
All right, I'm sorry.
But I will not save the rain forest! Good enough.
Let's eat.
And we should all be thankful to Michael, Peter, and Mike for supplying this beautiful turkey made entirely of tofu.
Tofu and gluten.
I'm thankful I ate before I came.
Oh, come on, Bart.
Smell those curds.
Mmm! Curds.
And I'm thankful I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, these alternative rockers, and my favorite bartender.
Here you go, pal.
And here you go! (DINGING)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
The Simpsons s13e04 Episode Script
Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) I love Chinatown, although I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.
(PEOPLE GRUNTING) (GASPS) Ooh, it must be Chinese New Year.
(SIREN WAILS) (ROARING) People buy them when they're small and cute.
Then they flush them down the toilet.
(GONG SOUNDING) Uh, yeah.
I'll have the shark butt with butt sauce.
Bart! Excellent choice, sir.
How is the Feast of Twelve Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce? Very disappointing.
Then I'll have the sweet and sour rice.
Oh, very good.
Would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses? Neither, thank you.
Is there any way we can enhance your dining experience by hurting an animal? No! Fortune cookies! And now to read my fortune.
"Geese can be troublesome.
" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh.
Fortune means geese cause problems.
Well, I knew that before I came in here.
A guy outside told me that.
"Every house has a bathroom.
" Oh, these fortunes are terrible.
Is there a problem? These fortunes are terrible.
They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.
Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortune? Easy.
Well? "You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
" That's not bad.
Come with me.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) It's terrible! What am I doing here? I should be in New York writing riddles on Popsicle sticks! Then I'd be making a difference.
They ruined my best fortune.
I wrote, "Let a frown be your umbrella.
" They change it to "smile.
" A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile! This gentleman here can write better fortunes than all of you put together.
Show them.
Okay, let's see "The price of stamps will climb ever higher.
" (ALL EXCLAIMING) Very profound.
(EXCLAIMS) He's like a young me! Please! Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy! You're hired.
Let's see.
"You will invent a humorous toilet lid.
" "You will find true love on Flag Day.
" "Your store is being robbed, Apu.
" Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know.
"You are a real winner.
" That fortune really nailed me, and my winning ways.
(GIGGLES) "You will take a short sea voyage.
" Yarr! I'll enjoy that.
$14 and 10, 11, 12 cents.
There you go.
You know, sir, tipping is customary.
Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny! General Gao, you're a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.
This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.
(CRACKING SOUND) Nice job, sir.
That was my thumb.
There seems to be some sort of communiquÃ©! It's your fortune, sir.
Capital! "You will find true love on Flag Day.
" Why, it's Flag Day today.
True love at last! Well, it's just you and me here, sir.
No time for jokes, Smithers.
Come along.
We're going womanizing.
Oh, goody.
So I foreclosed on her mortgage and took her cats.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Monty.
It's such a delight to talk to you.
I've gone five minutes without saying, "Well, I never!" Excellent.
Let me fetch you another Thomas Collins.
(WHISTLE TOOTING) Damn that Pennybags! Between him and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Perhaps there're some girls in here.
Great heavens! It's one of those nude female fire stations! I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree.
Let's go, Smithers.
Smithers? (GROANING) That fortune promised me true love.
(SIGHS) This has been the worst Flag Day ever.
(GASPS) That constable is ticketing my car! I told you we should've parked next to the curb.
Now, see here, Flatfoot! (GASPS) My goodness.
You're beautiful.
Oh, thanks, but I still gotta give you the ticket.
Of course you do.
You can lift my wiper any day.
(CHUCKLING) Is it still Flag Day? For 12 more seconds, sir.
Miss, would you submit to a wooing by a gentleman caller? Oh, I'm sorry, but you're really not my (WHIMPERING) Well, okay.
O frabjous day! She said yes! (HUMMING HAPPILY) He'll pick you up at 7:00.
Wear a petticoat.
Petticoat? Here's a place that rents them.
It's about time Mr.
Burns found a woman.
I can't stand to see a man single.
Some people enjoy being alone, Mom.
No.
Everyone should be paired up.
It wasn't meant to be.
I've gotta be honest, Monty.
I've never dated anyone who knew Calvin Coolidge.
Well, I've never dated anyone with their original hair and teeth.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You're a nice guy, Monty.
You're always laughing and tenting your fingers.
I like that.
Excellent.
And you're so upbeat.
You think everything's excellent.
I really feel safe with you.
It's like going out with my brother.
MR.
BURNS: Yes! It's going great! So, what are you into? "Into"? Yeah.
Like, what's a fun day for 104-year-old? Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends like piloting motor coaches and collecting dog waste.
So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or if you'd rather stay home, you could sing while I accompany you on the clavichord.
Actually, Monty, I I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War.
Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other.
The age difference is just too Balderdash! It's not important how old you are on parchment.
It's how old you feel in the humors.
I'm sorry, Monty Stop that dog! It has my gum! Look.
There's one of my young chums now.
You there! Yes, Mr.
Burns? Tell my young sweetheart here of our youthful exploits.
Uh Play along, chubsy.
There's a pie in it for you.
Oh! Yeah.
Monty's a wild man! Yeah! Whoa! He ran his own casino, stole the Loch Ness monster, got shot by a baby, and blotted out the sun! Wow.
That was you? So, shall I pick you up at 8:00? Well Come on.
He's a total player.
Okay.
Stop kicking my door.
Well done, young man.
Your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process, because these days, you Where did you get that pie? Windowsill.
(SCREAMING) New underpants? Homer, what are you up to? Burns wants me to come along on his date to show him where hip young people go.
Well, don't look too hip.
You don't want that girl falling for you.
You're right! These would stop Joan Collins herself! (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (PANTING) Drat! I wish that song were longer.
I've got to admit, you can really shake it.
Yes.
That's totally voluntary.
So, you guys come here all the time? Constantly.
When we're not being kicked out for our rowdy youthful behavior, eh, pally? Yep.
No one's rowdier or more youthful than Old Man Burns! You mean Young Man Burns.
(WHISPERS) Put my hand on her knee.
Yes, Mr.
Burns.
I said her.
And I said knee.
Oh! Sorry.
I'm going to make such love to you that you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino.
Turn left here.
No problem.
Mmm.
(EXHALES) All right, you're dismissed.
I'll take it from here.
But Mr.
Burns, you're exhausted.
Yes.
But I have a little secret.
I've obtained a rare powerful aphrodisiac.
It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox, an animal that only existed for three weeks in the 16th century.
See you tomorrow night, Simpson! Huh? (CHUCKLES) (SHOUTING) (BOTH MOANING) Homie, that was amazing! (GASPS) I hope the kids didn't hear us.
Wow.
(HUMMING) Burns looks happy today.
Watch me take advantage of his good mood.
Mr.
Burns? Can I have a raise? Clean out your desk.
You're gone.
Well, I had a good run.
(SINGING) If I counted all of the things I've got You might really think I had a lot But I won't be satisfied if I don't have you Living in a castle like a king Wouldn't be much fun without my queen (ELECTRICITY SURGING) And I'd probably throw it all away if I don't have you (WHOOPING) Once again, my dear, you've beaten two strapping young bucks! Excellent.
Did you hear that? That "excellent" was excellent.
Can I have some ice cream? I finished my pizza.
In time, in time.
I need to speak with you in private.
Back in a moment, my dear.
We have to Expel some urine! You're going to ask her to marry you? Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love! Are you sure you want to do this so fast? Yes.
My biological clock is ticking.
I could be dead again soon.
Wait, my dear.
I think you'll find that red ball more "engaging.
" Hmm? (GASPS) (GASPS) Monty, it's beautiful.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Gloria, say you'll marry me.
Oh, Montgomery.
Of course I'll marry you.
Spectacular! Now we must celebrate.
I'll get some Champagne-iola! This is the happiest day of my life.
Nothing could spoil it.
Absolutely nothing.
(HUMMING) Okay, gun.
Check.
Dollar-sign bag, check.
Power bar, check.
All right! Let's rob this Bowling alley? Okay, whatever.
All right! Totally Gloria? Snake? I thought you were in prison.
I was.
I told the guard that I was going out for a pack of cigarettes.
Then I totally stabbed him.
(CHUCKLES) You're looking good, baby.
Why did we ever break up? You pushed me out of a moving car.
The cops were chasing us.
I needed to lighten the load.
And, um, protect you.
Ha, ha.
Come on, baby.
We can talk more at my hideout.
No! I'm engaged now! (GASPS) My ring! Let go of her, or I'll scream! (SCREAMING) Callooh! Callay! We're in luck! They had a magnum at the shoe counter.
Now for Gloria? Her ring.
Well, she's run off! With Simpson.
Well, this is my house.
Uh-uh.
Jeez, I just wanted to escape.
Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage.
He's not my boyfriend.
Mr.
Burns is.
Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom.
You're dating that old trilobite? Gross! We're in love, Snake.
Don't say that, baby.
I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night.
Pistol-whip? Ooh.
Mmm.
Pistol Whip.
Local authorities are confident the killer bees are just curious and won't bother us if we don't bother them.
On a serious note, two local residents have been missing for the last 20 minutes.
We take you now live to Barney's Bowlarama and the last man who saw them, C.
Montgomery Burns.
I don't understand.
She was my young sexy fiancÃ©e.
He was my sexually-virile best friend, and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.
How could this ever have happened? Well, according to our audience insta-poll, and 37% say she's a skank.
Almost there.
Wow.
Who do you have to kill to get a place like this? I think his name was Gustafson.
Ow! (SCOFFS) Let me guess.
Now you're gonna start working him over with the brass knuckles.
You are so predictable.
You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.
Shut up.
D'oh! Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me.
It used to.
What if I beat him harder? Wow, you so don't get it.
Has the ship sailed on my foot massage suggestion? Don't worry, Mr.
Burns.
We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's anti-theft system.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Car gone! Car gone! Yeah, we know that.
Where has it gone to? (SHOUTING) Car gone! Car gone! Car gone! Chief? This yokel says he saw Simpson driving down near Hickton.
Uh-huh.
My peepers don't lie.
That's nice work, Lou.
Lock him up.
Huh? Hey! Hey, I want that lawyer what wears the cowboy hat.
Release the girl, Simpson! I think I can take him out, Chief.
That's a sweet shot.
He's tied to a chair.
That means Dad's not a kidnapper, he's a hostage! Get off my lawn, coppers, or I'll totally turn the sprinklers on! Come on, Snake.
You don't want to soak all these people.
We're in minute two of this standoff.
What's the situation, Chief? Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent, so unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking (GUNSHOT) Ow, ow, ow, ow! Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it? I swear I can change, Gloria.
I'm taking classes in computer fraud.
That's what you said about the telemarketing scams.
But you didn't stick with it.
I don't like bothering people at home.
Good fire.
Good fire.
Keep burning.
Almost there.
Just a little more.
Wait! (SCREAMING) (GASPS) But Gloria is still inside! Save her! It's too dangerous! But I got a sister you might like.
She's completely hairless, like those cats.
I don't care if she's Miss Hairless America! I'm spoken for.
Now step aside.
I'll save Gloria myself.
You? No offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.
Perhaps.
But this monkey skeleton is in love! (GRUNTING) (SIGHING) Oh.
Who am I kidding? I'm just a feeble old man.
(GROANS) Gloria! He did it! He saved her! Well, the important thing is they're both safe.
I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!" Wow, Mr.
Burns.
How did you do that? Never forget, Homer.
There's no muscle stronger than the human heart.
What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his.
Yes.
Monty, you saved me! And to think I was once in love with that dirty lowlife with his arrogant smirk, gutter mouth, tough-guy attitude, macho tattoos, hair that can't be tamed, (INHALES) prison-sculpted body Uh-oh.
I'm sorry, Monty.
Oh, Snake! Don't ever change.
Yeah, but But you I don't get it, Simpson.
I'm a "bad boy.
" Oh, I know.
I'm absolutely evil.
You're preaching to the choir, man.
What do I have to do? Grow a devil beard? Devil beard? You know, the little goatee thing.
HOMER: You mean a Vandyke? MR.
BURNS: No, a Vandyke has a moustache, doesn't it? LISA: I think it can.
BART: Are you talking about a soul patch? MR.
BURNS: No! Wait.
Maybe.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  The Blunder Years
The Simpsons s13e05 Episode Script
The Blunder Years
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Putting away groceries, it's like unwrapping presents from yourself.
Fruit Roll-Ups for Bart.
Beer Roll-Ups for Homer.
(GASPS) Burly? I bought the wrong brand, Maggie.
I'll just take them right back to the store and Whoa! Look at those massive plaid shoulders! Look at that absorbativity! I've gotta tell someone.
I came home as quick as I could.
What's going on? Watch what happens when I spill this blue liquid.
You pulled me out of school for this? Absolutely.
You're about to get a lesson in value.
And Burly's still got soaking power.
Spill something else.
Mom, I believe you.
Spill it.
Hmm? Ooh, Burly, you're insatiable.
(LAUGHS WEAKLY) Oh, Burly, you're so rugged and manly.
Marge, a bee almost stung me today.
I felt the wind go right by my ear.
(WHIMPERING) Oh, it's okay, Homie.
The bee's all gone.
Mmm! Fantasize, Marge.
Fantasize about Burly.
(CLICKING TONGUE) (GRUNTING) Hey, you're looking at that spokes-jack.
Well, I can fantasize, too.
Hmm.
Ooh! Mama Celeste.
(PURRING) You touch me and I cut you.
Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford.
It ain't gonna happen.
(GROANS) MARGE: "Dear Burly, comma, I've never written to a registered trademark before.
"Are you a real person or just a composite? Question Mark.
"In either case, I would love a signed photo.
"Sincerely, Marge Simpson.
" (LAUGHING DEVILISHLY) "Love"? (GASPS) "Signed photo"? Marge hasn't asked me for a signed photo in months.
Well, I'll show her.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? We have a person-to-person call for Marge Simpson.
Person-to-person! (IN DEEP VOICE) Hello.
This is Chad Sexington, the model for Burly Paper Towels.
(GASPING) How did you get my number? I don't know.
But I was quite moved by your letter.
I'd love to meet you and your family.
Shall we say dinner? Oh, my goodness Perfect.
I'll be there at 7:00.
Oh, my God! Dinner with Burly! (BOTH LAUGHING) Playing a prankeroo, eh? I was having a private conversation with my wife in the guise of Chad Sexington.
Do you mind? (HUMMING) So, how was your day? Did anything unbelievable happen? Phone calls? Things of that nature? You're not gonna believe it.
That paper towel lumberjack is coming here for dinner tonight.
Tonight? Well, you better get your hopes up.
I will.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGING) That's him! Oh, my God! Why, look.
It's Chad Sexington! Hey, baby! I'm that guy you like.
Barney? Where's Chad? I (LAUGHING HEARTILY) Congratulations.
I feel ridiculous.
You mean I was just a prop in some cruel joke? Now you've done it.
You've really humiliated Mom.
It was hard on me, too.
I had to wear a suit.
Oh You're right.
I've gotta make it up to her.
I suggest dinner and a show.
How about Benihana, where dinner is the show? (BOTH GRUNT DISAPPROVINGLY) No, huh? Walking to hell and back again I guess it was a pretty funny prank.
I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.
Yeah.
Nothing is hurt except feelings.
Walking to hell and back again Okay.
You've seen our next performer on Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin and Art Linkletter's House Party.
Please welcome Mesmerino, the hip hypnotist.
Thank you.
Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's see.
Who do we have here? Well, what's the matter with you, champ? You couldn't find a date? I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed and whatnot.
Why did you come here? Seriously though.
When I snap my fingers, my friend, you will be a make-out artist.
Glayvin! That's a powerful (EXCLAIMS) Whoa! Hold it 'cause it's different! (DINERS EXCLAIMING) (SMOOTHLY) Hey, cupcake, listen good.
I want you to swallow that gum and meet me in the coatroom, in five, four, three, two, now.
(GULPING) Whatever you say, Professor.
And back you go.
Ooh! Hey! No, no, don't make me! I don't want to go back to the nothing! I don't (GRUNTING) (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, dear.
I've redorkulated.
Hey, smart move, Four-Eyes.
Sitting next to Skeletor here makes you look like Hercules.
(HOMER LAUGHING) Zing.
What's a "Skeletor"? No, no, I kid.
But seriously, it's very nice to see a young man take his father out for a night of hypnotism before he dies.
(ALL LAUGHING) Actually, my father died a long time ago.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN SYMPATHY) Okay.
Is anyone here not a downer? Anyone? Do me! Do me! (GIGGLING EXCITEDLY) I am in your power.
Boss me around.
When I snap my fingers, you will transform into a famous historian.
Look at me! I'm a famous historian! Out of my way! Thank you.
Now you are Emily Dickinson.
Look at me! I'm Angie Dickinson! Out of my way! Now you are a young boy, uh, yourself at 12 years old.
(IN BOYISH VOICE) I'm 12 years old.
I'm with my friends.
It's a beautiful summer day at the old swimming hole.
Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Do something, Mesmerino.
Uh, yes.
Yes.
(SIGHS) That's better.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING LOUDLY) Dad, what's wrong? We better get him home.
(CONTINUES SCREAMING) There you go.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hmm! And Bart is set for the week.
(SCREAMING) Oh, no.
Sorry, Mrs.
S.
He was kind of disrupting things at work.
Yeah.
He ruined naptime and quiet time.
Oh, Homie, you poor thing.
(CONTINUES SCREAMING) Oh, cool.
He's still mental.
Yeah.
My hunch is he's struggling with some sort of repressed memory.
Hmm.
How do we unrepress it? Well, the Yaqui Indians brew a special tea that unlocks memories.
It would be a good excuse to use my Yaqui tea set.
Well, is anything coming back to you? Oh.
(CHUCKLING) There have been so many classic Simpson moments.
I remember that time I tried to jump over Springfield Gorge.
I'm gonna make it! LISA: No, Dad.
Everyone's sick of that memory.
Try to remember back when you were 12.
Something frightening must have happened.
Hmm.
Twelve.
Well, I remember I used to go hiking a lot with these two guys.
It was one of those lazy summer days you thought would last forever.
And to kill the boredom, we sang.
(HUMMING) (HUMMING) ALL: Mister Sandman, bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Check it out, Fat Tony.
Those jokers think they're The Cowsills.
And lots of wavy hair like Liberace You guys have blundered into our secret tobaccy patch.
Wow! Is that wacky tobaccy? The wackiest.
Let's punch and kick them! (ALL GASP) Not so fast.
(GRUNTING) He's got a Daisy.
We better scram.
Eighteen more pumps, that could break the skin.
Hey, thanks, Moe.
And that's how a troubled young Moe saved the day.
Moe, what are you doing here? What am I My bar is empty is what.
Why ain't you guys there? We're trying to uncover a hidden trauma in my dad's childhood.
What? You mean that time he wigged out? Well, give me some of that Indian memory tea there and I'll tell you all about it.
(IN FUNNY VOICE) Mmm! That's good Yaqui.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
That night we camped out under the stars.
(SIGHS) Look at all them stars.
Bunch of lazy lights, don't do nothing for nobody.
Hey, you know what I'm looking forward to? The future.
Have you heard about this Internet thing? Internet? Yeah.
It's the inner netting they invented to line swim trunks.
It provides a comforting snugness.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) Hey, what was that? LENNY: That's that nuclear plant they just opened.
Yeah, that's your future, busting atoms.
Can you imagine us working there? The whole Carl Crew? Hey, I thought we were called Lenny and the Jets.
Hey, you're both wrong.
We're the Moe Szyslak Experience, featuring Homer.
I like the sound of that.
Friends forever? ALL: Friends forever.
HOMER: Ow! Ow! That hurts! Man, we're stupid.
I hate you guys.
MOE: The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim.
(WHISTLES) You guys really gonna dive off of here? Not me.
I'm shaking like a French soldier.
Yeah.
I think I just logged on to my Internet.
Only a moron would jump into that Geronimo! Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) And there's your whatchamacall repressed trauma.
I mean, who likes getting muddy? It's terrible.
Okay.
Let's go to Moe's now.
Wait a minute.
I remember falling in the mud.
But I don't think that's why I've been screaming.
Fine.
Crap all over my theory.
Something else happened in that quarry.
Something else.
Hey, what happened to all the water? Hmm.
Hey, there's something blocking it.
Hey, come on.
(GRUNTING) Come on, Homer! We're going to Sears to feel the bras! What the heck is that thing? (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAMING) You found a corpse when you were 12? (WHIMPERING) No wonder you've been so traumatized.
It's responsible for everything wrong in my life.
My occasional overeating, my fear of corpses.
(SOBBING) What I want to know is what the heck was that body doing there? Maybe there's murder afoot.
Murder most foul? Maybe.
You know, if Dad never told anyone, that body must still be out there.
This sounds like a case that only the Simpson family can solve.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, well, we'll just be going then.
Hey, you guys can come with us.
No, no, no.
He said "Simpson family.
" I mean, you know, it sounded exciting.
But, you know, we don't want to intrude.
Thanks for understanding.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well I'll see ya.
HOMER: Bye, Moe.
(CHUCKLING) Yep.
The old quarry is just a stone's throw away.
Stop saying that, Dad.
Never.
Hey, there's Mesmerino.
Seventeen seventy-six.
"How much is left in my checking account.
" HOMER: This is it.
This is the old quarry.
Maybe we should come back in the daytime.
Someone's yellow belly is showing.
Oh, sorry.
(RUSTLING) (ALL GASPING) Ah, geez.
Right in the eyes.
Chief Wiggum! Who's there? How do you How do you know my name? It's us, the Simpsons.
Oh.
I saw your car by the gate and I Well, I thought you might be lost hikers.
'Cause then I could rescue you, and be a hero.
And maybe the city would give me a coupon for free guitar lessons.
So what are you doing here? We're investigating a possible murder case.
Oh.
You mind if I tag along? I'm kind of a crime buff.
If there's a body in here, we'll drag it up.
(GRUNTING) Heck.
It's just an old shopping cart.
Oh, and it's empty.
Put it back.
I don't want to see it this way.
We'll never find the body under all this water.
Water, eh? Burly to the rescue! CLANCY: Oh, that is so cool.
Hey! What's that over there? Don't get excited.
It's just a skull-shaped rock and a bunch of white sticks.
It's the body.
And someone has eaten the flesh.
(GRUNTING IN ACCUSATION) But whose body is it? And who sent it down that pipe? Now do you believe dead rats float, Lisa? Yes.
Well, looks like the end of the line.
That means our murderer could be on the other side of this hatch.
(SQUEAKING) (GUNSHOT) (EXCLAIMS) What are you doing in my corpse hatch? Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
Did I say corpse hatch? I meant "innocence tube.
" Then how do you explain this? I've been expecting this day for 30 years.
In a way, it's a relief.
But in another way, it's most unwelcome.
All right, quit stalling, Burns.
Who'd you ice? I'm afraid that skull belongs to my dear friend, Waylon Smithers Senior.
(GASPS) Mr.
Smithers' father! But I did not murder him.
And I can prove it with this film.
Ooh! A movie! I call the couch! (LAUGHING) If you see only one film this year that proves my innocence, make it this one.
(ALARM BLARING) Why are these numbers so high? Why is that red light flashing? And what's that alarming sound? Smithers, get in here! Smithers! Sorry, Monty.
I was feeding Waylon Junior.
Will you put that baby down? There's something wrong with the reactor core.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING) I better go in and have a look.
No, Waylon Senior.
It could be filled with atoms, and steam, and other nuclear bric-a-brac.
If this reactor blows, the whole town is doomed, including my son.
(GURGLING) So, you're a baby, huh? How's that working out for you? (POWERING DOWN) He did it! Look at your heroic daddy in there making funny faces, falling to the floor, shedding his hair, lying perfectly still Oh, dear.
Sir.
Smithers Senior gave his life to save the plant.
And since cover-ups were all the rage back then, I shoved his heroic corpse down the sewer pipe.
I never told Smithers the truth about his father.
Until tonight, sir.
(GASPS) Smithers Junior.
Ha! Busted.
Now the movie's turned into a play.
Still good though.
I'm sorry I lied to you, Waylon.
But I wanted to spare you the details of your father's gruesome death.
Well, I'm glad to know he died a hero instead of that other way.
I told him his father was killed in the Amazon by a tribe of savage women.
I hope it didn't affect you in any way.
We'll never know, sir.
Well, Marge, we solved the case of the haunted quarry.
Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Mr.
Smithers? Why? He'd just bury it.
Hey! Hey! I found a clue that's gonna bust your mystery wide open.
Sorry.
We already solved it.
Oh.
Well, you want to take a look at it anyways just for ha-ha's? Seems kind of pointless now.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's just that, you know, I went to a lot of trouble, you know, making the envelope and everything.
Let's see what you have, Moe.
Okay.
Now this first thing is just gonna look like a used Band-Aid, and it is.
But the rest of the stuff don't make no sense without it.
So, you know, bear with me.
Wow, Moe.
You've been doing a lot of sleuthing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I sleuthed my ass off on this one.
Okay, this is a number six from somebody's address.
Or is it a nine? You don't know.
This is gravel.
Okay? Gravel.
This is That's more gravel.
Okay.
Oh! This is That's more gravel.
Okay.
Oh! This is a shell that, to me, this is just me talking.
It looks like a helmet for a mouse.
Now, that sounds crazy, right? But if you ask the mice about it, they don't say nothing.
I mean, they run the other way.
At first, I was just fishing with the helmet thing.
But then from the mouse reaction I got, I got a little more concerned.
HOMER: You really made that envelope? 'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here.
MOE: Um No.
(HOMER SCREAMING)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  She of Little Faith
The Simpsons s13e06 Episode Script
She of Little Faith
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Planet from Outer Space.
Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force ray.
(CHOKING) Space air is flooding in.
Right.
Goggles on! (BREATHING HEAVILY) (BREATHING HEAVILY) Good Lord! We're on a collision course with a monster from space! (BARKING) That's just a dog in a spacesuit! From the looks of it, a male dog.
ANNOUNCER: We'll return to our film after these very loud messages.
Hi.
I'm Colonel Chet Manners, five-time space shuttle alternate.
Loser.
Do you want to boldly go where people like me, but not me, have gone before? Then get the Orbit King, with yaw control like you've never seen.
Hey, Lise, is Dad's credit card number You know it is.
(SINGING) When you have a rib-eye steak You must floss it Oh, that meatloaf tasted great You must floss it Now floss it, floss it good Hey, Dad, will you help me build this model rocket? Just a second, Son.
I gotta put on my contacts.
I didn't know your dad was so interested in science.
Science? He didn't say "science.
" He said "pie pants.
" Mmm.
Pie pants.
This is launch master Homer counting down, five, four, three My eyebrows! My beautiful eyebrows! Over here, guvnor.
The word "unblowupable" is thrown around a lot these days, but I think I can say with confidence Okay, that shows you what could potentially happen.
What was that? Greetings from Neddedy Space Center on Cape Flandaveral.
We noticed your "sky-rotechnics" and thought we'd join in.
Ooh, looks like a perfect landing.
Wow! Did you see that yaw control? I have eyes, don't I? (HAMMERING) (DRILLING) I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out.
And could you stop calling us "nerds"? "Dweeb," "wonk," "spaz.
" It's all good.
Who wants some astro-lemonade? What precisely makes it astro? Look, I don't want to start a whole thing with this.
Okay, the rocket's ready to go.
(ALL CHUCKLING EXCITEDLY) Super.
Now if you'll gather round, I'd like to say a few words.
All nerds clear the launch area! Let's wait in the car.
Now, all we need is our astronaut.
Bart, where's America's newest hero? He's saying goodbye to his wife.
He's leaving her with five babies.
She already ate three.
That's sensible.
Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of God! Five, four, three, two, one, countdown! (GASPS) Wow! That's it.
I'm off the hooch.
Hey, wine! Dad, the rocket's off course! Okay, Nibbles.
You can guide her down.
"Step one, right in front of you is a blue handle.
"Pull for a controlled burn of 2.
4 seconds.
" Now it's heading for the church! Don't worry.
I planned for this.
This is the worst thing you've ever done! You say that so much, it's lost all meaning.
I have convened the church council to see what we should do now.
Fixing this church should be our top priority.
And I say that as a teenager, and the parent of a teenager.
Fixing all that damage is gonna be very expensive.
Yes, barring some sort of miracle All right! We'll help ourselves, yet again.
People, we need some fundraising ideas.
Let's just write to David Bowie again.
No, he's done enough for this church.
Anyone else? I've got the answer.
Just let me run this church like a business.
It's kind of you to offer, Mr.
Burns, but the buzz around town is that you're, well, evil.
That's just a skip-rope rhyme.
Believe me, the Lord's gonna go for this in a big way.
Now, who's with me? I guess we have no choice.
Excellent.
(GROANS) You'll get yours.
This is Lindsay Naegle.
And don't let the skirt fool you.
She'll have this place making money in no time.
Isn't that skirt a little north of the knee? You're telling me.
I guarantee I can find some new revenue streams.
Step one, let's sell some ad space.
Reverend, how would you feel about wearing this robe? Conflicted.
Too bad! You've already signed the deal! Actually, he hasn't.
Well, we highly value your input, until you sign the deal.
Let me handle this, Monty.
Good idea.
I'll be hiding behind that tree.
What are they doing to the church? We're re-branding it.
The old church was skewing pious.
We prefer a faith-based emporium, teeming with impulse-buy items.
I feel like I want to throw up.
Then my work is done.
Why does Jesus have a lasso? Because he's all man.
(ALL GASPING) Money changed.
Get your money changed, right here in the temple! That could not be more blasphemous.
Where's Bart? Do a nice one for Grandma.
Fine.
These new pews are so comfy.
I am not going to be taken in by all of this.
Lisa, don't sulk.
You're on the JumboTron.
(PEOPLE CHEERING) Adorable.
And Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners, especially Mrs.
Glick, who's recovering from hip surgery.
And now, let us rise and Um Um He's not gonna say it.
Trust me.
He'll say it, or I'll bust him down to Thursday night vespers.
and thank Crazy Larry whose big-screen TV prices are insane! And now, to deliver a special sermon on the sanctity of deliciousness, the Noid.
That's it! Quiet, Lisa.
Everyone in the store is looking at you.
They should take a good look at themselves and what their church has become! (ALL GASPING) Lisa, it's still the same basic message.
We've just dressed it up a little.
Like the Whore of Babylon? That is a false analogy.
(PEOPLE MURMURING) No, it's not.
It's apt.
Apt! (ALL GASPING) Don't you see what Mr.
Burns has done to this church? He restored it from nave to narthex! He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers.
He put ice in the urinals.
Those are all wonderful things, but they've cost the church its soul.
And I, for one, will not be a part of it! Do you want your hand stamped so you can come back in? No! I'm leaving this church forever! Oh, no! I don't know how to feel.
You should be very upset.
Got it.
(WAILING) HOMER: How is that? MARGE: A little much.
(HOMER WAILING SOFTLY) Lord, I'm not turning my back on you.
I just need to find a temple that's free of corruption.
(MARGE IMPERSONATING GOD) Why do you have to be so different? Always making a big deal out of everything? Mom, I know it's you.
I can't believe you're eavesdropping on my prayers.
Honey, I'm worried about your soul.
I want at least one person from this family to go to heaven.
I still believe in God.
I just think there's another path to him or her.
Her? She's just kidding, Mr.
Lord.
Still looking for a new faith? Yeah.
Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart? No.
How about Methodist? No! Look, I'm not just gonna pick a religion that seems cool.
I'm gonna pick one that's right for me.
How about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching! I'm going out for a walk.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPS) Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhists? Yeah.
If I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all you guys all the time.
Well, I'm looking for a new faith, one that isn't so materialistic.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.
Richard Gere? The world's most famous Buddhist.
What about the Dalai Lama? Who? You know, the 14th reincarnation of the Buddha Avalokiteshvara.
Who's Buddha? It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.
Mr.
Gere, I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace.
Or is that just a pipe dream? We all have dreams.
Mine is of a free Tibet.
That would be so great.
I dream about meatball sandwiches, all-you-can-eat for two bucks.
Good luck.
This pamphlet contains the teachings of the Buddha.
"All things are impermanent, and are empty of inherent existence.
" Hey, Richard, in An Officer and a Gentleman, did you really do all those sit-ups? I wish.
I did one, and they just showed it 1,000 times.
"Nirvana is achieved through right views and right speech.
"Positive actions lead to happiness "and negative actions lead to unhappiness.
"No creator gods, just the pursuit of enlightenment.
" I'm a Buddhist! LISA: (SHOUTING) Hey, I'm a Buddhist! My Satan-sense is tingling.
Into the root cellar, boys! When can we come out? Maybe never.
Yay! Yay! So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe.
So, butter your bacon! Yes, Father.
Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over.
Hold that thought.
Bacon up that sausage, boy.
But, Dad, my heart hurts.
(GROANS) I'm a Buddhist.
What? (GASPING) That's it.
No more chat rooms for you! You know, Lisa, around here, Buddhists don't get any desserts in their lunches.
A Buddhist wouldn't want any.
Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
Who cares? I'll tell you someone who cares.
He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
His name's Gunnar, and he's dating my mom.
Sometimes, he buys us beer.
I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
Hey, she came on to me! Get him! Hey, Lisa.
What are you doing? I'm planting my own Bodhi Tree.
If I meditate under it, perhaps I can find inner peace.
Honey, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you? No! Good! I'm just saying that any boy who doesn't like you is not worth your time.
(CHANTING) You're gonna get a bath tonight! So, the good news is church revenues are up 1,073%.
And when will the church see any of this money? When hell freezes over, suckers! (MR.
BURNS LAUGHING) Whatever.
Just take it.
Well, next on our agenda, Marge Simpson's devil daughter.
She's not a devil.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, Christmas is coming, huh? Yeah.
And Santa doesn't leave presents under the Bodhi Tree.
You think we can bribe her back with Christmas? Marge, you can save more souls with roller skates and Easy-Bake Ovens than with this Time to begin Operation X-Mas Remind of How Good Is.
Just do it! Do it! Do it now! I think this tree could use an angel.
Well, at least it's tasteful.
(BARKING JINGLE BELLS) I was just making Christmas cookies.
But since you don't believe in Christmas anymore, I guess you don't want any.
Well, they do smell good.
It's a pity.
All right! Trash cookies! (GROANS) Uh-oh.
I think I ate a dog food lid.
Here she comes! And a-one, and a-two, and a We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish We wish Hello, Lisa.
I just came down for a glass of water.
Well, you do have a present under the tree.
I guess no one told Santa you were a Buddhist.
Well, Santa can take it back because I'm not ruled by material (GASPING) Is that a pony? I don't know what Santa left you.
I just know his name is Clip-Clop and he loves sugar.
Lisa, we love you, and we're not trying to put any pressure on you.
Aw.
Lick it.
Lick it.
No! Oh, no! Our daughter's run away on Christmas Eve! More sugar, please.
Bag's in the kitchen.
All right! My family tried to trick me into celebrating Christmas.
You know, we are meditating.
(BUZZING) Oh.
Sorry.
That's all right.
I was only about to achieve enlightenment.
But who'd want that? Who likes short-shorts? I like short-shorts.
Those guys are way off.
Anyway, your family didn't have to trick you.
Buddhists respect the diversity of other religions as long as they're based on love and compassion.
(EXCLAIMS) It's true.
So, why don't you go home? I'm sure your family really misses you.
I can really celebrate Christmas? You can celebrate any holiday.
And, you know, my birthday is August 31.
Oh.
I'll send you an e-mail greeting card.
Sweet.
Now I really should be getting back to my family.
Yeah.
I'm spending tonight with my step-daughter, Hannah.
I do her hair, then she does mine.
We're gonna go spend Christmas with Moe, you know, so he don't have one of his Christmas "accidents.
" Hey, he can't do much without this.
I did it! I found our dog! Now our Christmas is complete! We were looking for Lisa! I thought we were caroling.
We better call the police.
Lisa? You came back! (YAWNING) Yeah.
I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.
So, you're back on the winning team? No, I'm still Buddhist.
But I can worship with my family, too.
So, you're just going to pay lip service to our church? Uh-huh.
That's all I ever asked.
Well, I'm just glad you're back.
And don't worry, honey.
I'll pray double hard for both of us.
Now let's get you some Christmas cookies.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey, where's my pony? Yes! Merry Christmas to us all! I'm serious.
Make with the pony.
And a happy and healthy New Year! Here, Clip-Clop! Here, pony-pony! Happy, happy New Year!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Brawl in the Family
The Simpsons s13e07 Episode Script
Brawl in the Family
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Let's get started.
First I'd like to announce that thanks to the magic of Disney Animatronics, Strom Thurmond will live another (RECORDING) Twenty more terms! Moving on to new business, what act of unmitigated evil shall the Republican Party undertake this week? Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
You've already done enough, Nader.
Let's get rid of PBS! Those lousy Muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long! (SCOFFS) I say we crack down on the hippies.
Bla.
What about this dang environment? Back in Texas, we got rid of it, and it made everyone a lot happier.
ALL: He was so happy Excellent.
We shall destroy the environment by scrapping every anti-pollution law.
Now Bob Dole will read from the Necronomicon.
(SPEAKING IN LATIN) In addition, the administration has declared recycling a felony.
And Smokey the Bear is now Choppy the Lumberjack.
These trees are our national heritage! (ROARING) (LAUGHING) A grizzly bear with a chainsaw.
Now there's a killing machine! (HOOTING) Stop endangering yourself.
Stop endangering yourself.
Eyes stinging! Good Lord! Acid rain! (SINGING) I'm singing in the rain Just singing in the rain What a glorious feeling (SCREAMING) It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! (SCREAMING) We'd better stay inside, at least until the squirrels stop melting.
No problem.
There's plenty of activities inside.
Now let's see how our blind dates liked each other.
Oh, I really felt there was a connection, and I would definitely go out with her again.
He smelled like puke! The TV! (EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, Homer.
Quit trying to control me.
We don't need TV to have family fun.
Why don't we play Monopoly? Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly.
(READING) Let's stick to original Monopoly.
The game is crazy enough as it is.
How can an iron be a landlord? Pennsylvania Avenue.
I want to buy a house.
Hey, where'd they go? New shooter! (CHUCKLES) That's it, baby.
Welcome to Marvin Gardens.
(CHUCKLES) We'll see about that.
One, two, three D'oh! You're a little light here, Dad.
I'm good for the rest.
You know I am.
Well, I'd like to trust you, Homer.
But you've been in jail three times.
They told me it would be like this on the outside.
These hotels are made of Legos.
Bart, you're cheating! Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Oh, sure.
You take his side just because he bought you that house on St.
James Place.
Who else is gonna take care of her? Dad? Why you little Stop fighting! Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
I've been prying them apart since before you were born! (CHOKING) Okay.
Everyone turn to the left.
Hey! Oh, come on, people.
The Prison Nutcracker Suite is one week away.
And I don't see five Sugar Plums.
I see five guys who don't know their moves and don't seem to care! There, I said it! (PHONE RINGING) That better be Wardrobe.
And it better be good news.
Hello? (BART CHOKING) It sounds like a domestic disturbance.
All right.
We'll be right back.
And don't try anything, because Johanssen there is a snitch.
(GROANING) Another case of Monopoly-related violence, Chief.
How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night? We better send in the Negotia-bot.
I am Brenda.
I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner.
Destroy! Destroy! Hey, this is taffy! Police brutality! And chew-tality! Nice work, Brenda.
I'll take it from here.
No way.
This is my collar.
(SCOFFS) Too bad real women don't come with these, huh? (GIGGLING) You got that right.
Quiet, you! That counts as your phone call.
Thanks a lot, everybody.
Now, I'll never get into an Ivy League school.
You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.
Take it back! Take it back! Stanford.
This family has hit rock bottom.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) Hello.
I'm Gabriel.
(GASPS) A heavenly choir.
You must be an angel! (LAUGHS) No.
That's my pager.
(MUSIC STOPS) I'm a social worker.
I'm here to help you stop fighting and become a family again.
No.
You are an angel.
Like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife, or Will Smith in Bagger Vance, or Slimer in Ghostbusters.
Sir, we know you're not an angel.
My husband sees too many movies.
Don't blame me.
Blame Tinseltown in its second golden age, may it never end.
In a difficult case like this, I like to observe each family member individually.
Well, my room is my sanctuary.
My family knows that and respects that.
I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters! Just 10 more years.
Just 10 more years.
Just 10 more years.
Attention, everyone.
This is Gabriel, my personal social worker.
He has to be here.
I'm just that nuts.
(KIDS EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE) How come you get a social worker? I'm the one with stigmata.
Thank you, Marge.
You sure do love cooking.
Food keeps my family happy.
So, I make a few practice dinners before showtime.
Because at 6:00, we go live! Ah! Okay, Gabriel, this is a bar.
It's where I go to drink alcohol, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
Homer, I am not an angel! (SNORTS) Well, not with that temper.
Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us.
Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy.
How I loathe him! (GLASS SHATTERING) HOMER: Oh! Okay.
Why are we in the woods? Is this heaven? No.
I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns.
Marge, you medicate your family with food.
Bart, you'll do anything for attention.
Cut that out! They chose me.
Homer, your problem is quite simple.
You're a drunken, childish buffoon.
Which is society's fault because It's your fault, Homer.
But I've got an exercise that will help all of you break out of the roles you're stuck in.
Who feels like lunch? Me! Me! Right here! Me, too! Good.
I hung it on the top of that tree.
But how are we supposed to get it? You'll just have to cooperate.
Cooperate? Well, this is one family that doesn't swing that way! Are you sure? I made roast beef sandwiches, one falafel Thank you.
and plenty of beer.
Give me that beer! (EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) Gabriel, are you okay? Yes.
But I'm afraid your lunch has attracted some unwanted visitors.
(GROWLING) We've got to do something! But what? Okay, family huddle.
Here's how it's gonna go down.
As a family, we drive away.
We cover for each other as a family.
That's what Gabriel would've wanted.
Look.
We can't fall into old patterns.
We've got to think of a plan.
Okay.
But talk like this.
Fine.
I'll talk like this.
What? Look, Gabriel! We're learning to work together! That's great.
But so are the wolves and cougars! (SNARLING) (STOPS SNARLING) (CONTINUES SNARLING) Dad's on the log.
Now, Mom, you get the car and pull them to safety! (GROANS) My driving ankle.
Bart, I know this sounds crazy, but do you think you can drive a car? Okay.
But it's my first time.
Here's the keys.
I got a set.
Now, Bart! (WOLF ROARING) Give them the food! Oh, no! The roast beef is making them stronger! And the falafel is making them angrier! (HOMER EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) Give them the beer! It will impair their motor skills! No! I will never Oh, wait.
It's Blatz.
Hey, they're all right.
ALL: (SINGING) We are family Our bitter fights are now history ALL: We are family Wolves and cougars ate our roast beef Well, I think you all did great.
You broke out of your normal roles to accomplish something as a family.
I really earned my wings.
I knew it! No.
I mean this CD.
(READING) (SINGING) Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together, but our bond has never been stronger.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Our family is as functional as all get out.
Could this be the end of our series of events? (TIRES SCREECHING) Can I help you? Yeah.
I'm looking for Homer Simpson.
Oh, it's the woman I married in Vegas! (ALL GASPING) Homer, you're a bad man, and your seed should be wiped from the earth.
No offense, children.
Homer and Ned, you may now kiss your brides.
Give it to me, baby.
Homer! It's okay! We're married! (GASPS) You and Ned married a couple of floozies? Marge, I'm sorry! But it wasn't my fault.
Liquors drunkened me! If I had known there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would never have let you go! Look, I did marry her! But I abandoned her! Amber, tell her how I abandoned you! This is the worst thing you've ever done! (DOOR SLAMS) Well, Ginger, it sure is neat that you managed to hunt me down.
Where's the bed? Oh Lord, I know my new wife is a little more peppermint than you're used to.
But I know you'd want me to honor my sacred vows.
So, I will.
Hey, stud.
Where do you keep your Wet Ones? I need a shower.
Oh, we've got a real shower upstairs.
Upstairs? I hit the jackpot! So, sitting on the bed, eh? Get out, Homer.
Look, I married her.
But that is as far as we went.
We never ever made whoopee, or even mouth whoopee! Homer, I don't know if I can ever forgive you.
Please go away.
Fair enough.
But I'm gonna come back with the greatest gift a husband can give his wife.
An annulment from his secret wife.
Mr.
Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy, or "Mormon Hold 'Em," is perfectly legal.
Both marriages stand.
But I only love Marge! I hereby order you to take care of both of your wives! Bailiff, ring him! (SIGHS) You can't kick me out.
It'll cause a miscount in the census! A miscount! (MARGE EXCLAIMS ANGRILY) Of all things to ever come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst! Please, just leave me alone.
Now, now.
Mama's gonna make you a snack.
(GASPS) Ooh! Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Don't stop.
Oh, yeah Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Oh, you do that like a pro! Oh, no.
She's making him a sandwich! HOMER: Use both hands! (SNORING) (SINGING) Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory! Me and the boys made you breakfast in bed.
It's the best darn-diddily way to start your first Flanders day.
Think you can Irish up this coffee for me? Oops.
Watch the swears, honey bear.
We don't use the "I" word in this house.
Where's my cigarettes? We flushed your sin sticks down to hell.
Smokers are jokers.
Smokers are jokers! Smokers are jokers! I think I'm gonna throw up.
Who wants to hold Mommy's hair? Me! Me! I do! Hey, Vegas Mom, how long are you gonna stay here? I'm not going anywhere.
I already unpacked my delicates.
Doesn't it bother you that you're breaking up our family? You know, I bet you and me could be friends.
I could show you how to put on makeup.
I'm eight years old.
You could look seven.
And I could teach you to count cards.
Nah.
I already got a system.
LENNY: Jeez, Homer.
I thought someone with two wives would be happy.
No.
You're thinking of someone with two knives.
I gotta tell you, this is pretty terrific.
(LAUGHS) Yeah! (SNORING) (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) (GRUNTING) Can't panic.
Must remain calm.
(WHISTLING) (YAWNING) Ah! The sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.
Homer? Marge, you're speaking to me? Why don't you come inside and we'll talk? Talk about what? Sports? Bigamy? Bigamy! Not a sports fan, huh? You insensitive jerk! Maybe this family would be better off without you! You know, there are only so many times I can say I'm sorry and still mean it! Why don't you just take Britney Beers and get out of here? I would, if it wasn't for the kids! Hey, the heart wants what it wants, dude.
We had a good run.
Well, that's the last we'll see of them.
Come on.
We're going to Moe's.
My lady's glass is empty, Moe.
Bring her another Cookies and Cream martini.
No, honey.
This time make it a Sex on the Beach.
And hold the Beach! Hey, Homer.
Your new wife is great.
Her lips look like night crawlers! You know, she can put that mole anywhere on her face.
Wow.
To Amber, who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life.
Oh, my head! Aspirin.
RU-486.
Morning, love muffin.
Who are you? I'm your new husband.
And that was a wedding night I'll never forget! Oh, no.
We didn't.
Well, we almost didn't.
But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.
You want to give Honest Abe another term in the Oval Office? No! Oh, thank God! (SNORING) We're married? But how? Do you, Amber, take Abraham as your lawful wedded husband, renouncing all others? Oh, sure.
He paid for the hour.
(GASPS) Whoo-hoo! You crapped out, Vegas Mom! Our plan worked perfectly.
And we carried it out as a family.
What plan? You got me drunk.
Yeah.
But this time you woke up with more than a hangover! You're married to me! Me! I can't take it! You're too goody-goody! That's not you talking.
That's the honey-mustard dressing! Come on, Ginger.
Let's go back to Vegas.
Yeah.
I'm sure there's poker games we can be won in.
(TIRES SCREECHING) I'm so proud of us.
When we stick together, we can do anything.
Oh! I lost another wife! I'm so sorry, Grampa.
Well, it hurts now.
But the senility will take care of that.
There she goes.
You know, I have a son about your age.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, I love that.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Sweets and Sour Marge
The Simpsons s13e08 Episode Script
Sweets and Sour Marge
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) Oh! My brain! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SPURTING) A library selling books? If I don't want them for free, why would I want to pay for them? Why do you always wait till we arrive to complain? I don't know.
Ah.
The full Leonard Nimoy cycle, I Am Not Spock, then I Am Spock, and finally, I Am Also Scotty.
Mmm.
That's what we look like inside? It's disgusting! Oh.
That lady swallowed a baby! Good heavens! Lisa, you're not buying more than your weight in books.
But I have to save them.
The books no one buys get chopped up and fed to pigs.
(GRUNTING) Helen Fielding's giving them pigs Bridget Jones' diarrhea.
Well, what about this? The Duff Book of World Records.
It's got pictures of deformities.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) (GASPS) Oh.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Wow.
Now that's a goiter.
Why would Duff beer put out a book? It was originally published to settle arguments in taverns.
She said tavern! I'm going to Moe's! (HOMER RUNNING) I never agreed to that rule! (CAR DOOR CLOSES) (CAR SPEEDING AWAY) Well, I say the most clothespins a man could attach to his face is 87! You counting the neck? You know I am.
All right.
Outside.
Peace, my people.
All shall be looked up.
Let's see.
Most clothespins swallowed, inserted Here we go.
Clipped to face and neck.
116.
(SCOFFS) Jeez, I was wrong.
But I ain't angry.
And I'm magnanimous in victory.
Wow, that's the best book I've ever seen.
No.
The best book you've ever seen is Tom Clancy's Op-Center.
That thing knows me better than I know myself.
Oh.
Here's a good one.
The world's most overrated saint Francis of Assisi.
Francis of Assisi.
Oh, I've used up all these records.
Why don't you try to set a record, Dad? That's a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three-and-a-half minutes? Only on Mars.
The Simpsons are going to Mars! So pack your Or maybe I'll think of something else.
(CHAIR CREAKS) You're a cinch to be the world's fattest man.
No, I'm here for the greatest living actor.
I'm here to break a world record.
What's the longest anyone's ever done this? Three years.
(SMACKING LIPS) Fine.
I'll just play the banjo with this cobra.
(HISSING) Wait, wait, wait! Technically the cobra would get the record.
He's the one playing.
But it's my banjo! Mr.
Simpson, there are thousands of people like you with no discernable talent.
Yeah.
They're called Congress! (LAUGHING) Shut up.
Okay.
All the individual records were set by crackpots who half killed themselves.
The only way someone new can get in the book is with some kind of group stunt.
Group stunt? Like that town that made the world's largest omelet.
Denver? No, Spanish.
(HISSING) Fellow Springfielders! I have called you all here so we can enter The Duff Book of World Records! (CROWD MURMURING) We're going to build the world's tallest human pyramid! Finally this town will have a real claim to fame.
Aye.
We can stop all the lies.
(GRUNTING) I haven't seen this much flesh since Elke Sommer's hot tub party.
(LAUGHING) Seriously, Elke's great.
Always there for sick kids.
Doing great things.
Okay.
Let me check the specs.
Ah! My vision is coming to life! MAN 1: Hey! MAN 2: Hey! MAN 1: Thanks, great.
All right, I'll make base camp here and try for the summit tomorrow.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Yeah, Dad.
You can be the world's laziest stunt organizer.
Why, you little (GRUNTING) (SPEAKING SPANISH) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) (PANTING) You're about a foot short of the record.
(EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wait a minute.
(LAUGHING) We did it! Springfield rules! Not yet.
You have to hold it for three Mississippi's.
One Mississippi Two Mississippi Dude, you're touching my hand! BOTH: Ewe! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my hairstyle! Not again! Goodbye, cruel world.
Hello, ironic twist! (GROANING) I am so far from my car.
Dude, you're lying on top of me! Dude? Wait a minute.
Look at the scale! Divide by the number of people, subtract belts and shoes (GASPS) Everyone, welcome to The Duff Book of World Records! Springfield is the world's fattest town! (ALL CHEERING) Woo-hoo! In your face, Milwaukee! Congratulations, fellow Springfielders.
This town will no longer be known as "America's Sorrow.
" Today I declare Springfield "Fat City, USA!" (CHEERING) (PANTING) I can't believe it.
Everyone's celebrating their obesity! Yee-ha! (LAUGHING) (GROANING) (LAUGHS) Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.
(EXCLAIMING) I don't know how this town got so fat.
Mom, we're out of Frosting Gobs.
Here, have one of my fudge-stuffed toaster pies.
Mmm.
(GROANING) You kids do eat a lot of sugar, but at least Homer can have a nice healthy grapefruit.
Yeah.
You can't improve on nature.
(SUCKING) (EXCLAIMING WORRIEDLY) Look at all the empty calories.
Ooh! Sugar-free donuts! No, that is sugar with free donuts.
Huh.
Apu, everything in this store is overloaded with sugar.
Marge has a point.
Sugar is not only fattening, it's also terribly, terribly addictive.
Is my carton of Pixy Stix in? No, it hasn't come in yet.
Damn it! When they come in, you call me at this number.
(APU READING) I am sorry, but everything in this store, from the honey-glazed cauliflower to the Choco-Blasted Baby Aspirin, comes from the Motherloving Sugar Corporation.
Well, I'm going to have a talk with them.
Where are their worldwide headquarters located? Why, right down the street.
That's lucky.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for the head of Motherloving Sugar.
Yes.
I'm Garth Motherloving.
I'm Marge Simpson.
Long-time customer, first-time complainer.
Hey, Marge.
I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, "Get the hell out of my office"? I want you to stop putting so much sugar in everything.
Or at least warn people that it's so unhealthy.
Mmm.
That'll boost sales! While we're at it, why don't I just change my name back to Hitler? Don't you have any sense of corporate responsibility? (UNCOMPREHENDING WHIMPERING) Hey! Look, lady, if you have a problem, bring it up with your sewing circle, okay? But we're on hiatus.
Everyone's everywhere.
Note to Marge.
Get out! I'll play it later.
(SLAMS DOOR) (GRUNTING) If you looked up meanie-beanie-fo-feanie in the dictionary, you'd see his picture.
Wait! You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas? There was one in a cage, but he wasn't moving.
Oh.
That company's ruining the whole town's health, and I don't know how to stop them.
Why don't you file a class-action suit? Oh, yeah! Like Erin Brockovich.
The prostitute with the heart of gold.
I'm not sure I can afford a fancy lawyer.
That's okay, Mom.
Today's law schools are churning out 2.
1 lawyers for every person in America.
Look.
(CLAMORING) Pick me! Pick me! Me so litigious! Pick me! I just passed the bar, see? (EXCLAIMING) Oh.
Hop in.
We want to sue the sugar industry for selling a harmful product.
We have to sign up plaintiffs and take depositions from the townspeople.
Ah, jeez.
You don't want old Gil going door-to-door.
Oh, I've made too many enemies selling suckless vacuum cleaners and Rick James Bibles.
Don't worry.
I'll do the legwork.
I'm filing a class-action lawsuit against big sugar.
Would you like to give a deposition? Sure.
I'll join your lawsuit.
Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive.
I'm happy and angry! (COCK CROWING) Oh, shoot.
I'll sign.
Figure them sugar folk owe me for what they done to my cousin, Dia-Betty.
I'm trying to slim down so I can fit into Momma's coffin.
That's my reward.
(SHUDDERING) Now let's see if I can remember how to make my mark.
I'll get down with your lawsuit.
Disco Stu got hooked on the white stuff back in the 70s.
(EXCLAIMING) (MORE MORE MORE PLAYING) More, more, more How do you like it? How do you like it? More, more, more How do you like it? How do you like it? More, more, more Oh, hello, Homer.
Well, well.
If it isn't the woman who's too busy saving the world to save her own marriage.
What are you talking about? Is that dinner? It was dinner! (SIZZLING) Why didn't you just turn off the oven? I was hoping we could do that together! (SOBBING) (HOMER EATING) (PHONE RINGING) Hello? FRINK: (DISGUISED VOICE) Marge Simpson? Who is this? I'm an anonymous whistleblower.
I worked on a top-secret project called Operation (NORMAL VOICE) Hoyvin-Mayvin! Professor Frink? Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the hoyvin or the mayvin or was it the whole gahoyving thing that I do? So, Professor, tell us about Operation Hoyvin-Mayvin.
Well, we knew perfectly well it was addictive.
Candy was just a sugar delivery system.
We thought we were God.
Hoyvin-mayvin.
Frink, you little weasel! I'll kill you! May I remind you we're in open court? I'll kill you, too! I'll kill you all! Mr.
Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat.
I'll kill you while you sleep.
Objection! I'll allow it.
Now, Count Fudgula, how long were you spokes-vampire for Motherloving's breakfast cereals? Twenty of your mortal years, but I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis.
Now all my victims have to be mashed up.
ALL: Aw.
Your Honor, I admit it looks bad for me, but I think you might be turned around by some surprising taste-imony.
Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar shack.
It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat.
Well, Your Honor, the court carries it well.
Silence! I rule in favor of Marge Simpson! ALL: Yay! Oh, I am so proud of you.
And thanks to Marge Simpson's damning evidence, I hereby ban all sugar products from Springfield forever.
Get in the car.
Good evening.
Our top story, Springfield's cake-hole has been shut forever.
Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Thank you, Erin Choco-snitch! That was a group effort.
I was just trying to make this a healthier place to live.
Well, good work, Blue-hair-in-Brocko-witch.
Okay, that was mine.
So, say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Eclairios, Chew 'Ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems.
And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates.
(I WANT CANDY PLAYING) That's it, boys! Burn it all! Even this promotional Johnny Depp from the movie Chocolat? We melted for him.
Now he's gonna do likewise.
All right.
Time to throw in the Butterfingers.
Hmm.
It's not even singed.
Even the fire doesn't want them.
(MOANING) Sugar! Need sugar! Aye.
They're not riding the white horse anymore.
My baby! Where's my baby? (WIND BLOWING) (WHIMPERING) Nothing left! Nothing left! Ooh.
A sticky spot! Mr.
Simpson, you're licking blood and VapoRub.
Part of me knew that.
(CLEARING THROAT) There is a small group committed to bringing sugar back to this town by any means necessary.
I'm with you all the way.
But first HOMER: Cool.
Gentlemen, I have found the final member of our cabal.
Count Fudgula? I thought you wanted to get off the stuff? I'm a monster! Don't look at me! (HISSING) Homer, we need you to help us smuggle in sugar from south of the border.
Oh, you mean Tennessee? No, the island of San Glucose.
(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (SIGHS) Good times.
Is it really worth risking your lives just for some sugar? MARGE: Dessert's on! I steamed some limes! Godspeed.
There is the island.
It's go time.
(THUD) (GROANING) (THUD) (GROANING) Oh.
I'm only doing this one more time! How's he doing? I think he's grossed out by some seaweed.
HOMER: Ew! I touched it! Over.
Get a grip, Simpson.
You're doing fine.
Now, do you have your map? Kind of.
(CAWING) Come on! Give it! I know.
I'll try reverse psychology.
I don't want that stupid map.
(GASPS) D'oh! Okay, man, here's the sugar.
Now, you give us the money.
(LAUGHING) That wasn't part of the deal.
He's right! Who wrote this thing? Well, we're almost home.
Has everyone keistered their personal supply? 'Cause I sure haven't.
CHIEF WIGGUM: (OVER BULLHORN) Hold it right there! Surrender or prepare to be sunk! No way! We'll defy you to the death! Stroke, stroke, stroke! (PANTING) I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir! No! I'm having one.
Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles? Yeah.
Let's do it! (MOTOR WHIRRING) My baby! I like to think we've made a difference today.
Good work, Simpson.
Before I bring the sugar in, I want to see the Oompa Loompa.
He's right over there.
That guy is freaky.
Well, here's your sugar.
No, Homer! You'll be condemning this town to a life of obesity and diabetes! Don't listen to her, Homer! Oh, they both make such good arguments! Please, Homie.
Dump the sugar.
For me.
(BEEPING) Sugar is pouring into the water! (LAUGHING) Aye, 'tis a sugary brine.
Mmm.
This sugar shark is delicious.
Ow! Hey, he bit me back! Oh.
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Gee, everyone looks so happy.
Indeed, Marge.
And now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority, and I declare the sugar ban over! Can we, Mom? Can we? Can we, Mom? Can we? Please, please, please? Please, please, please? Oh.
All right, but take Maggie with you.
Mmm.
I guess you just can't use the law to nag.
Maybe I should just stop trying to change the world.
No, Marge.
I love when you do that.
You're a regular Caring-a-lot-ovich.
That's the best one.
That's what I told Lisa.
(SUGAR SUGAR PLAYING) Sugar Ah, honey, honey Hey, I found some pearls.
No, wait.
They're just my teeth.
Well, I can still make a necklace out of them.
Honey Ah, sugar, sugar You are my candy girl And you got me wanting you I just can't believe the loveliness of loving you I just can't believe it's true I just can't believe the wonder of this feeling, too I just can't believe it's true Ah, sugar Ah, honey, honey You are my candy girl English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Jaws Wired Shut
The Simpsons s13e09 Episode Script
Jaws Wired Shut
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Ah, there's nothing better than relaxing with my favorite magazine.
(GASPS) Oh, they're showing the filling now.
Can they do that? (LOUD DANCE MUSIC STARTS) What the hell is that? Rainbows.
Tank tops.
Empowerment.
This is the gay pride parade! Woo-hoo! BOTH: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it! You do this every year! We are used to it! Spoil sport! (UNEASILY) Uh Oh, honey.
Think pink! Look, a salute to safe sex.
(CHUCKLING) SMITHERS: We're gay.
We're glad.
PATTY: But don't tell Mom and Dad.
Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together? Cool! It's Lesbians of the Caribbean! (SINGING) Yo, ho, ho It's an alternative lifestyle for me Oh, a salute to brunch! Wave to brunch, Maggie.
Oh, look at those abs.
Everyone here has a six-pack and I'm the only one with a keg.
Oh, God! Cover up! (SLINKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (WHINES) That's it! We're out of here! Four tickets for Shenani-Goats! Why is this movie PG-13? "It may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, "and scenes with Garry Shandling.
" (BOTH SHUDDERING) These are so easy.
It's obviously Tom Hanks.
Who? Otm Shank.
He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy.
Otm Shank.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) (QUACKING) Uh-oh.
(ALL LAUGHING) (GROANING) Come on! Show the movie! (HOMER MOANS) NARRATOR: Justin's soccer team was in last place (GRUNTS) You suck! No wonder your parents are getting divorced! NARRATOR:until they dug up a new player.
Ed O'Neill is Soccer Mummy.
(I GOT YOU (I FEEL GOOD) PLAYING) I feel good Go, Soccer Mummy! You taught me to believe in myself! I feel good (LAUGHING) (MOANS) Uh-oh! The professor said not to let him get a boner! (BANDAGES RIPPING) I'm laughing! But it's a laugh of impatience! Show the movie! (MOANS) So many previews.
So many previews.
So many previews.
ANNOUNCER: And now, our feature presentation.
(GASPS) MAN: If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love Movie Call! (SCREAMING) Start the movie! ALL: Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the They're out of control! Well, if we wanted to live forever, we wouldn't have become ushers.
Stop the madness! Start the movie! Maybe we should try to calm Dad down.
I prefer to egg him on.
Hey, Dad, has the movie started yet? (ROARING) Homer, you're going to get in trouble.
I'm not scared of those ushers.
What are they gonna do? Advance on me? This ends here! And so, for helping to KO litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum! Litter is my most treacherous foe.
I would like to eat its children.
So long, suckers! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) My mouth.
My beautiful mouth! Excellent bout.
Now we go party.
(WAILING) Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.
Broken jaw! (MOANS) (CHUCKLING) He won't be able to talk for quite some time.
I've wired his jaw shut.
It's all explained in this pamphlet.
(MARGE READING) Hmm.
Oh, dear! You can't eat solid foods! Those are his favorites! (MUFFLED) I can't eat solid food! Stop it, Homer! Oh, don't worry.
On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.
(GROWLING) (MOANING) (EXCLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION) Uh-oh.
(MOANING) Hey, Dad, I'm gonna make a human yo-yo.
If you object, clearly say no.
(MUFFLED) No! No objections, eh? That's great.
(GRUMBLING ANGRILY) Milhouse, you ready to imitate that Jackass show? All those disclaimers made me want to do it more! (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Oh, yeah! Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff? Hey, it's Duffman! Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman can never die! Only the actors who play him! Oh, yeah! You must be here for the Duff Trivia Challenge.
That's right, local distributor.
One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff! Okay, chug monkeys, "What beverage brewed since ancient times "is made from hops and grains?" How about ancient hop grain juice? Beer! Beer! Beer! Wait, wait, wait.
Homer's trying to make a guess.
Beer, beer, beer! What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me! (SOBS IN FRUSTRATION) (BLARING HORN) Time's up! The answer is beer! Ooh.
Duff luck.
I never would've figured that out.
That's the kind of thing you just gotta know.
(SOBBING) I am not gonna make you another sparerib smoothie.
Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.
"How was your day?" Do you really want to know? Uh-huh.
Well, let's see.
I was in the kitchen counting the corncobs on the curtains, when who should ring the doorbell but Ned Flanders.
(CHUCKLING) It seems he wants to ban culottes in the schools.
(GRUNTING) Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.
HOMER: Marge thinks Flanders is annoying.
This marriage just got interesting.
(BABBLING HAPPILY) HOMER: (CHUCKLES) She's so cute.
(MUMBLING FRANTICALLY) Ah! (MUMBLING ENTICINGLY) (SIGHING IN RELIEF) (DOOR SLAMS) Uh-oh.
(GRUNTS) You want to know what happened? Really? We were playing foursquare and I called no double taps, and Ralph double taps.
And I said, "You're out," and he says, "I can do a summersault," which had nothing to do with anything! HOMER: Aw! Maybe a hug will cork her cry hole.
Thanks for listening, Dad.
We gotta coordinate on this thing.
Uh-huh.
So the substitute teacher comes in and says her name is Mrs.
Doody, and everyone's looking at me like, "Take it, Bart.
Run with it.
" Then it hits me.
I've become a clown.
A class clown.
And it sickens me.
HOMER: Wow, Bart has feelings.
(LAUGHS) Mrs.
Doody.
Three wars back we called sauerkraut "liberty cabbage," and we called liberty cabbage "super slaw!" And back then, a suitcase was known as a Swedish lunchbox.
'Course, nobody knew that but me.
Anyway, "Long story short" is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling.
You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event.
We weren't going to go after last year's unpleasantness.
That donkey is such a bad influence on you.
But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet.
Maybe we can go.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
I better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.
(MOANING IN DELIGHT) (ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING) A formal! The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.
Uh-huh! So, how are we enjoying the festivities? Yes.
The music is from southern Hungary.
That's quite an ear.
Have some money.
Your husband is quite the gentleman.
Most people laugh at my googly eye.
(STIFLING LAUGHTER) Well, I've never seen a man politely pass up so many hors d'oeuvres.
My husband, Maxtone Witherball, has already had three shrimp! Someone's done her henpecking.
You two are quite the couple.
You must dine with us at Toad Hall.
Thank you.
(THE BLUE DANUBE PLAYING) This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.
(MUFFLED) I'm horny.
I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful.
Oh, Homer.
This is the kind of night I thought we could never have together.
Incident-free.
Mmm-mmm.
(WHIMPERS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires.
You'll be just the way you used to be.
(GASPS) And Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.
Super.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) (EXCLAIMS) Homer, your breath smells terrible.
I'll have to take off my shoes to cover the odor.
Nicely done.
And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen.
I learned so much about my family.
You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in awhile.
Really? Let's try it.
MOE: Hello? Yeah.
I'd like to arrange for an escort, please.
To where? How about Orgasmville! You Hello? Hello? Oh! Hey.
How you doing? I was just telling all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man.
I couldn't agree more.
You're today's modern, enlightened man, the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid '70s.
Hey, what are you doing in here? I'm an alcoholic.
Homer, will you appear on my show? Sure thing, alky.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Afternoon Yak.
Today we will meet a man who couldn't open his mouth, so he learned to open his heart.
Please welcome Homer and Marge Simpson.
So, Marge, tell.
What's it like kissing a man with a mouth full of metal? My boyfriend has a metal tongue stud.
Who cares what's on his tongue, as long as he's a stud where it counts! I'm talking downtown! (ALL CHEERING) Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw? Well, he would eat all the time.
We'd be making love and he'd have a mouth full of Hershey's Miniatures.
Krackel was my favorite.
I hope that was the only miniature in the bedroom.
I'm talking downtown! (ALL LAUGHING) And before he broke his jaw he never listened, but now he takes to heart everything I say.
(CHEERING) Well, as much as humanly possible.
(BOOING) Well, Marge told us when you didn't listen, it led to weckless, criminal behavior.
He did such crazy things.
Roll the clip.
Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers! I'll take one.
Okay.
You pick one out and I'll punch it to death.
Hmm.
Hey there, little sweet (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Dude, I thought we were friends! Well, I'm not proud of that clip.
Homela, it's easy to change, but what's hard is not changing back.
Do you promise not to revive your weckless, weckless ways? I don't know.
The Demolition Derby is next month.
Please, Homie? No more craziness? For me? Well, okay.
For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
Very good.
Our next topic, "My Son Still Wets the Bed.
" You told me we were going to Red Lobster! Hmm.
All clean, just the way I left it.
HOMER: I'm gonna kill you! Well, so much for the new Homer.
What's going on? We're rehearsing a play.
Yes, and I was merely reading the title, I'm Gonna Kill You.
Oh.
It's just a false alarm.
Yep.
Nothing to get excited about.
Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
Professor Van Doran, so good to see you.
Ah.
Rehearsing a play, I see.
This place is so dull.
The 911 button is covered with dust.
I just poured myself a new glass of milk.
The old one sat out for a little while.
Are you coming to bed? It's 7:30.
Marge, I could stand here and argue with you, but then I'd have to get a new glass of milk.
Good night, honey.
Boy, things are going really good.
Good, good, good, good, good, good, good! Hmm.
Look at that freckle.
I should dig that out.
(GRUNTING) Good.
Good.
That feels good.
(SIGHS) MARGE: This place is so boring! If somebody doesn't do something interesting, I'm gonna have to! But what? The Demolition Derby? Oh, that'll scratch my itch.
Marge? Marge is gone! But at least the Demolition Derby form is What? No! (TIRES SCREECHING) Ooh, listen to all that revving! ANNOUNCER: Drivers, start your engines! (REVVING) Vendors, start your gouging! MAN: I'll pay anything! ANNOUNCER: And now, smashie-smashie! (TOOTING HORN) Looking good, Mrs.
S.
Uh-oh.
Come on, old girl.
Show them what you got.
Whoa! Catch you later, radiator! Oh, my God.
I hit someone.
Then I taunted him.
I've never felt more alive! (CHUCKLES) (EXCLAIMS) What was I thinking trying to feel alive? Forget that! Don't hurt me! I'm not like you people! I'm loved! (GRUNTS) I caught a head! Oh, dang! It's been scooped out.
Go around! Go around! There she is! Dad, you've gotta do something! But bold moves are no longer my forte.
She could get hurt! What do I do? What do I do? Wait, I know.
Beer here! Sure, sonny.
(POPEYE THEME PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS TRIUMPHANTLY) (IMITATING POPEYE) This beer's deliskous.
I'm gonna saves me wife.
Now, let's get this show on the road.
So many dings.
HOMER: Quit banging my wife! (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this.
(MUSIC SLOWING DOWN) (WHEEZING) (IMITATING POPEYE) Looks like I needs some fuel for me mule.
Gas for me ass.
(IMITATING POPEYE CHUCKLING) (POPEYE THEME PLAYING) (GRUNTS EXCITEDLY) (SNORING) Looks like a little angel.
Now to save me Marge! Homer, save me! Save me! (GRUNTS) He saved her! Isn't it great to have the old Dad back? I thought you liked the new Dad.
Whatever.
This family needs a live wire, but it's just not me.
That's okay, Marge.
You're a good wet blanket.
The kind I like wrapped around me.
Aw! ANNOUNCER 1: When Homer's jaw was crushed, crushed, crushed, his life took a nitro-burning funny turn! ANNOUNCER 2: Oh, yeah! It's important to grow, grow, grow, but if you take it to the max, max, max, it's gonna get ugly! ANNOUNCER 1: In the mud! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Half-Decent Proposal
The Simpsons s13e10 Episode Script
Half-Decent Proposal
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERING) (SOBBING) (DREAM PLAYING) Dream Dream, dream, dream Dream Ooh, Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me.
(CHUCKLING) (KISSING) In my arms when I want you (RUMBLING) (HOMER SNORING) (EXCLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION) (SNORING CONTINUES) Cool! Mom's on drugs.
If we turn her in, we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney.
She's not on drugs.
She couldn't sleep because of Dad's chronic snoring.
I'm taking him to Dr.
Hibbert's this afternoon.
You know how hard it is to get a doctor on Wednesday morning.
(LAUGHING) Yah! I haven't lost so much sleep since little Bartie had the scoots.
Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
Here's what it costs.
Interesting.
Here's my counteroffer.
(LAUGHING) Get out.
(HOMER SNORING) (GROANS) (GRUNTING) (HORN HONKING) I'll get it! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) (HORN BLOWING) Pedals, people! So Lisa, do you have a date for the harvest dance? This is not a good time! It's never a good time! Overnight bag, no husband in sight! It's happened! She left Homer? I'll get the Champale.
And let's get that ring off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah.
I didn't leave Homer, and I never will.
I just need one night away from his snoring.
Great.
We'll have a girls night.
No bras! (WOMEN LAUGHING) Let's catch the tail end of Nooky in New York.
Nooky in New York? It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
That sounds great! If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat cheese quesadilla, I'm gonna scream.
I also enjoy sex.
Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops and a guy who works on Wall Street.
Broker? Nah, she's just really sore.
(LAUGHING) This is so like our lives.
It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on BHO, it's Arli$$.
BOTH: Ah! Gentlemen, start your envy! (CHUCKLING) Men's World Magazine has listed the 100 richest men in the country, and coming in at number five is Springfield native Artie Ziff.
Ooh.
Whoa! Your old boyfriend.
Please.
We went out once.
Artie made mega bucks with a revolutionary invention, a converter that changes that horrible modem noise into easy listening music.
(ELECTRONIC NOISE) (MUSIC PLAYING) Also available with lyrics.
(ARTIE SINGING TO THE TUNE OF GEORGIE GIRL) Hey, computer geek You will be connected in no time What a catch.
Why didn't you sink your claws into him at the prom? Yeah.
He was warm for your form.
Well, he seemed like a sweet little shrimp.
But then he turned into an octopus.
Artie! Artie, no! Stop! Marge.
Marge, you know you can't resist my busy hands.
Artie, get off of me! Well, I think you should get in touch with him, you know, just to congratulate him on his success.
Well, I suppose I could write him a letter.
Are you nuts? E-mail, female.
You just tell us what you want to say.
(CHUCKLING) Okay, hold onto your hats.
(SLURPING) Dear Artie.
Dear Hottie.
Congratulations on your recent TV appearance.
I want to sex you up.
Your love slave, Marge.
(GASPS) You can't use the word "sex" on the Internet.
Watch me! (GASPS) (BUZZING) Anti-trust suit.
Anti-trust suit (YAWNS) A note from Marge Simpson? Well, isn't that a coincidence? I was just thinking about her.
For the last 20 years.
(HUMMING) LISA: Mom, did you sleep well at your sisters'? Mmm-hmm.
HOMER: Whoo! Mmm.
MARGE: For you.
Ooh! Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge.
(HELICOPTER HOVERING) Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn.
Let's approach with caution.
(LAUGHING) Unguarded breakfasts.
The sweetest taboo.
(GASPS) Ooh.
Well, well, Marge Bouvier.
Artie Ziff? Oh.
That e-mail.
Look, I got a little drunk and we were I'm not surprised you want me back in your life.
You can't spell party without Artie, if you misspell party.
Or Artie.
How you doing? Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married.
Married? Was it consummated? Pretty much, yeah.
What's going on? Homer, don't talk with your mouth full.
I've told you before, it's rude! Oh-ho.
Trouble in paradise.
Hey, Marge! It's that guy who couldn't get any off you! How would you all like to take a ride with me? You're the old flame.
Homer, Marge, I have a rather delicate proposition.
Spill it, moneybags.
(LAUGHS) Yes, I do have everything, but yet I often wonder what life with Marge would've been like.
It's like being married to my best friend, and he lets me feel his boobs.
(CHUCKLING) Homie! Homer, I will give you $1, 000,000 to let me spend a weekend alone with your wife.
(GASPS) Mmm.
A million dollars.
Wait a minute.
How much sex would be involved? Because if it's some No, no, no.
All I want is to show her what life would be like had she chosen me.
Artie, that's a sick idea.
Come on, Homer.
We're leaving.
Just think about it! You'll win her yet, Artie.
I mean, Arr-tie! Hey, where's our parents? (SNORING) Hey, Marge, I just thought of something.
What? If we had Artie's money, I could get that snoring surgery.
Plus at least two of those other surgeries I desperately need.
No way, no how.
I'll get used to the snoring.
Just like I got used to saying "Courteney Cox-Arquette.
" Besides, I like some of the noises you make in bed.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) One squeaking spring symphony coming up.
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! Homer, that was amazing! Yeah, I (SNORING) (SNORING CONTINUES) Honey, did you get any sleep? Oh, I'm so sorry.
(SNORING) Are you snoring while you're awake? (SNORING) Huh? You need that surgery.
We'll have to call Artie.
Okay, Ziff.
You get her for the weekend, but no funny stuff.
And by funny stuff, I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo, which is pretty much any John Woo film.
Your wife's virtues shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.
Remember, Homie, I'm doing this for us.
See you on Monday, This round's on me, Moe! I got a big payday coming.
Yeah.
Homer sold his wife for a million bucks.
I didn't sell her.
I just rented her to an old boyfriend.
Gee, a million bucks.
That's gonna buy him a lot of swings in the old batting cage.
(CHUCKLING) Looks like everyone's a winner.
Marge gets a great new life And you get more sprawl space on the bed.
Wait.
You really think Marge is gonna fall for this guy? Even after I bought her that hockey fight tape? I'd dump your ass.
Me, too.
Yeah, I can't get Artie out of my head.
He's like a spy in the house of Moe.
Oh, God, you're right.
I gotta get her back before it's too late! Hello, Artie.
Where are you taking me? We're taking a trip through time.
Forwards? No.
Backwards! To the sexy '70s! Oh, my God! Artie, it's our senior prom.
(DISCO INFERNO PLAYING) (SINGING) Burn, baby, burn I can't believe he's paying us a thousand bucks to pretend it's the '70s.
Disco Stu is working pro bono.
Marge, many years ago I turned a groovy night into a complete bummer.
Tonight you get the prom you always deserved.
(SINGING) Precious and few are the moments we two can share That's very sweet, Artie.
Come, dear.
We can dance all night.
The band hasn't worked since the wrap party for James at 16.
Some say they're cursed.
(WHIMPERING) (MUTTERING) Oh, my God, it's our high school prom! And once again I have no date! Simpson! Hello, Dondelinger.
You're not on the guest list, Simpson.
Orders of Prom King Ziff.
(SNIFFING) And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years.
Let's go, mister.
Oh.
(GUESTS APPLAUDING) You're very sweet, but no fake prom could make me forget my husband.
I'm sorry.
Very well, Marge.
I see you'll never feel about moi the way I feel about toi, but before the evening ends, may I request an innocent peck on the cheek? Okay.
(GRUNTING) Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born! (SOBBING) Get off me, you little nerd! (GROANS) I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth.
Keep your money.
I'm going home.
Stop looking at me! Keep dancing! Don't you know how to dance? Watch me! (DRUMS PLAYING SOLO) Aw! He's gonna sleep tonight.
Oh, guys, it was horrible.
I saw Marge kissing a far superior man.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doing her right now.
(SOBBING) Oh, yeah.
Make me the bad guy.
My life here is over.
Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me and never come back? Sounds like a plan.
Then it's settled.
We leave Springfield forever.
What'd I miss? Anything good? That's $912.
Send the bill to Baron Von Kiss-a-lot.
No problemo.
(BIRD SCREECHING) (IN GERMAN ACCENT) This just arrived, Herr Baron.
Okay, who's the wise guy? Oh, Homie, I'm so glad to see A tape on the bed? Marge, if you're watching this then it means I've figured out how to work the camera.
Last night I crashed a certain fake prom.
That's right.
Artie Ziff's fake prom.
(GASPS) Homer was there? I saw something terrible and I can't even say it.
So I'll have these two dolls do it for me.
(IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Kiss me, Artie.
(IN A DEEPER VOICE) With pleasure.
Homer's a big jerk.
Ooh.
But I can explain! I'm leaving you, Marge.
The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries.
Don't worry about the kids.
I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma.
BART: Patty and Selma? Screw that! Just run the camera, you little (CHOKING) (SOBBING) Goodbye, my darling.
Oh.
It's no good.
Everything reminds me of Marge.
I know what you're going through.
We're coming up on Mount Carlmore.
I carved that one wonderful summer.
What did Carl think? You know, we've never discussed it.
Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoorsy.
Close to a bathroom? I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses.
This job will be perfect.
I'm gonna leave this world the way I entered it, dirty, screaming, and torn away from the woman I love.
(LAUGHING) Oh.
Quick and pointless.
That's the death for me.
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
Dad just got a library card in West Springfield.
He checked out and a book called Dying for Dummies.
(GASPING) He must have taken a job in the West Springfield oil patch.
That's practically a death sentence! (ALL GASPING) What happened now? Homer bowled a 300 game? Grampa, that happened a year and a half ago.
We have to go save Homer.
But West Springfield's three times the size of Texas.
We'll never find him there.
Unless I really appreciate you helping me find Homer.
Think nothing of it, Marge.
I hope we can always be friends.
Of course.
With privileges? Mmm? Mmm? Does that work on anyone? No.
But when it does, hello! (GRUNTING) Another oil well successfully capped.
Let's raise our goggles in triumph.
(SQUEALING) (ALL SQUEALING) (ANTS EXCLAIMING IN RELIEF) (ANTS SCREAMING) Oh, no! This is how Faceless Joe lost his legs! Looks like we're goners.
Oh, well.
Circle of life.
(HELICOPTER HOVERING) Marge! Climb up! Ain't you coming, Homer? Why? So I can watch my wife spend the rest of her life in the arms of another man? I don't think so.
Good day! But Homer We said good day! Listen to me, Homer! You've won! You own Marge's heart, and that's something I could never buy.
Woo-hoo! There's nothing on that helicopter for me.
Don't be so sure.
(GASPS) Carl Carlson? Artie, thanks for saving my life.
Now, I believe there's the little matter of the million dollars.
We can't take his money.
Oh.
(SNORTS) I can't take his money.
I can't print my own money.
I have to work for money.
Why don't I just lie down and die? Now, Homer, if there's one thing you should've learned from all this, it's that I'm rich, rich, rich! And now, I bid you adieu! I'm Artie Ziff! I gotta hand it to Artie Ziff, Marge.
That little nerd saved my life.
And our marriage.
With his latest invention, the snore converter.
Goodnight, Homie.
Goodnight, honey.
(SNORING) (SWEET DREAMS MUSIC PLAYING) ARTIE: He's a loser, Marge.
Dump him! ARTIE: (SINGING) I travel the world and the seven seas I am watching you through a camera! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  The Bart Wants What It Wants
The Simpsons s13e11 Episode Script
The Bart Wants What It Wants
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING) Give up, Mr.
Simpson! We know you have the Olympic torch! For God sakes, Homer! Give them back their flame! No! The Olympics have preempted my favorite shows for the last time.
You can always find your favorite shows next month.
You wait till next month! You wait till next month! (GROANING) Every four years.
(GRUNTS) We've recovered the flame! (GASPS) It's beautiful.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
(SCREAMING) No! (SIGHING) I'm bored.
Hey, a fair! (TIRES SCREECHING) Springfield Preparatory School? Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield.
But knowing about it would make you want to go here.
Hello and thank you for coming to our fundraiser.
I'm headmaster St.
John Van Hookstratten.
Is that your beer tent? (EXCLAIMS) Monkeys point.
(SNIFFLING) Monkeys cry.
(POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE PLAYING) This campus is so lush and verdant.
Yes.
You probably recognize it from the film Calling All Coeds.
Oh! Is that where Boozer drank the pee? It's one of the places.
(HOMER EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY) (AIR HISSING) Sorry.
(SIGHING) This school has everything.
I know.
Doesn't it just honk you off? (GASPS) Their periodic table has 250 elements! And our school board's cut us back to 16.
All of them lanthanides.
You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue.
(GRUNTS) Here's your bond issue! (CRASHING) Quick.
Take these.
Principal Skinner, you're just stealing.
(GRUNTS) Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.
Mmm! All this food is so froufrou.
(GASPS) Ooh! Faberge egg salad.
Look, Brandine.
It's Wolfgang Puck.
Mr.
Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut worm, I swear.
Try my Rice Krispie squares.
They are wasabi-infused with a portobello glaze.
And you can buy them at the airport.
I make mine with M&M's.
With M&M's? Now that's what I call fusion.
I could sell them on the Internet.
To the Puck-mobile! Ha! Go, go, go! No one's doing any bumping.
Time to ram-a-lam these ding-dongs.
(TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS) (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM) (LAUGHING) (SIREN WAILING) (GRUNTING) Good show.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, Marge.
Watch me burn Flanders.
"Ned Flanders bids $50.
" (GIGGLING) And the winner of the $100 bill is Ned Flanders! (GROANS LOUDLY) This is going right to the orphanage.
(EXCLAIMS) We have a winner! These will be great for advancing our research.
Yes.
Our research.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (GRUNTING) (BOYS CHUCKLING) Hey, that's my backpack! (CRYING) Look at her cry! New money always cries! (GRUNTS) Drop the backpack, Jack.
The name is Jackington.
(ALL GRUNTING) Retreat! To the Hamptons! (BULLIES SINGING) Tra-la-la, la-la-la! You were so brave to take on all those bullies.
Those weren't bullies.
That's a bully.
Hey, butler, stop butling yourself.
(GRUNTING) Would that I could, sir.
Time to go, Greta.
Your mother's custody starts at 1800 hours.
Your dad's McBain? (LAUGHING) I've played many characters.
McBain, Officer Nick Vengeance, Sergeant Murder, and I was a voice on the Frasier.
Would you like to come to my house sometime? If it's okay with my dad.
Come.
We play Uno.
I chase you with hose.
No biggie.
Wow.
Cool! (GROANS) I guess we're leaving, too.
(BOTH GRUNTING) No, I belong here! Please! Don't worry, honey.
We can't afford this now, but when it's time for college, I promise my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is.
In South Carolina.
Oh! I will not be a Gamecock! You will too! No! (ALL STRAINING) Go Gamecocks! No! It's so cute you're going to a little girl's house.
Look, boy, here's my advice on women.
Don't give them nicknames like "Jumbo" or "Boxcar," and always get receipts.
Makes you look like a business guy.
(CRASHING) What the hell is that? (TIRES SCREECHING) That car's as big as all outdoors! Wow.
What kind of mileage does it get? One highway, zero city.
(EXCLAIMS) Mmm-hmm.
(CAR HONKING) Bart, your little tie makes me smile.
Excuse me, but you don't sound as tough as you do in the movies.
If you don't shut your big yap, I will rip off your face and use it as a napkin! (ALL LAUGHING) Laughing time is over.
These are props from one of my dad's movies, The Incredible Shrinking McBain.
Wow! The Q-tip he used to kill Ross Perot.
(CHUCKLING) Everything in your house is so cool.
What's your house like? Oh, it's okay.
My bed is stuffed with hay.
(LAUGHING) Bart, you're so funny.
(LAUGHS WEAKLY) Yeah.
You haven't seen Itchy & Scratchy till you've seen it on DVD.
(SINGING) The Itchy & Scratchy Show (SCREAMING) Oh, my body! (BART AND GRETA LAUGHING) Check out the audio commentary.
We shot this at and the crew was getting a little cranky.
You can never get enough takes for Steven Soderbergh.
Always wants more (SCRATCHY SCREAMING) (BOTH LAUGHING) I hope you enjoy these German sausages.
I've been grinding all day, so I'm not sure what organ meat is in what intestinal casing.
Bratwurst? Sauerbraten? Donderblitzen? Oh, Mom, isn't there anything vegetarian? (LAUGHING) Homer, I see your daughter is one of those whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maidens.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, one time she (GASPS) She's looking at us.
Be cool.
(HUMMING NONCHALANTLY) What are you doing? (GASPS) Oh, I gotcha.
One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war! (BOTH GRUNTING) One, two, three! Hey, that was a fast count! (GRUNTING CONTINUES) Remember when I said I would eat you last? I lied.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Bart.
Whazzup! Oh! You brought someone.
Yeah, this is Milhouse.
He's my best friend because Well, geographical convenience, really.
I'm wearing my bathing suit under my pants.
Um You want to go swimming? Okay, but you have to watch me dive.
Fine.
Do you promise? Just go! (SPLASHING) (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) He'll sleep tonight! Hello, gentlemen.
Would you care to meet my new best friend? Rainier Wolfcastle? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey, I've been using that ab roller you endorse, but I haven't gotten any results.
Right, because you've been using it backward.
Are you really Homer's friend? After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover film? Is it true that if I kill you, I become you? (SCOFFS) This looks like a job for my authorized look-alike.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi, I'm Chuck.
I live in his trunk.
So how much you look-alikes make? 'Cause some say I look like Macaulay Culkin.
(SCREAMING) (SQUELCHING) These courtside seats are great.
Thanks for the hookup, Wolfie.
I just want my daughter to be happy.
Plus, you eat the pretzels I drop on the floor.
That I do, sir.
Bart, my school's having a dance.
It's pretty lame, but maybe you can make it fun, if we went together.
Yeah, I guess.
(CROWD CHEERING) (ALL CHANTING) Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! (ALL CHEERING) Ouch! I sat on something sharp! Oh, that's just Lara Flynn Boyle.
(LAUGHING) I have a Boyle on my ass! Now, Willie, don't tell anyone I'm trying my stand-up comedy act tonight.
If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down.
I won't tell if you put me on the guest list.
All right.
Plus one? Nay.
Now, I'll give you directions starting from the Simpsons' house.
(CHUCKLES) We are so there! Aren't you supposed to take Greta to the dance tonight? Oh, yeah.
Maybe I should keep my promise.
SEYMOUR: I just hope the audience is kind because my material is weak, and I have that bladder thing.
That's it! I'm blowing off the dance! This is the biggest thing that's happened to me since chocolate milk! They've got chocolate milk now? (GRUNTING) (GROANS) That was the prop comedy of the sea captain.
More like "thar he blows!" (ALL LAUGHING) Yarr, I'm so sorry.
All right.
Let's keep this train wreck moving.
Principal Skinner? I know him.
He's not funny.
Well, enjoy.
(MICROPHONE STATIC) (CLEARING THROAT) So, it's standardized testing time again.
Have you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong circles? Seymour! Seymour! (LAUGHS) Lost my place.
(CLEARING THROAT) Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe a little improv would raise the roof here.
Would someone name a profession? Loser Principal! Uh I think I heard California surfer.
(GRUNTING) You suck, Seymour! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) (AUDIENCE BOOING) (LAUGHING) (BART LAUGHING) Oh, man.
What a dork.
Greta called.
It seems you told her you were sick.
Lisa, I only lied because it was the easiest way to get what I wanted.
Bart, this girl is in love with you! Think about it! Hey, I didn't lead her on.
I always played it light and breezy.
Well, if you don't feel the way Greta does, you've got to tell her before she gets hurt.
All right.
I know what to do.
I'll dump her like she's never been dumped before.
Then we'll go right back to being friends.
Well, Bart, you really understand women.
Lise, women are easy.
State capitals are hard! (CHUCKLING) And where were you? Cockfight.
You're breaking up with me? (CRYING) Don't worry.
We get that a lot here.
(CRYING) Lou, you can't leave the force! I can change! I just think there's more money in private security.
All I'm hearing is I'm too fat.
(CRYING) Aren't I? (CRYING CONTINUES) I can't believe he dumped me! In my movies, this is where I would go berserk.
Dad, this isn't a movie.
No.
Let my muscles hug you.
Greta, I'm sorry I didn't handle the breakup well, but you're a sweet kid and someday you'll find someone who Whazzup! Milhouse? Greta? Well, no one has to draw me a picture! Oh! But I did.
(GASPS) Greta, is this how it is? Yes.
Except he kissed me in the eye.
(MOANS) I was an idiot.
Now I'll be alone forever.
Why did I break up with her? Oh, Bart, it's human nature.
You only want her because someone else has her.
Prove it, using examples from this room.
All right, look.
Maggie's not playing with this ball right now, but look what happens when I take it.
(GRUNTING) See? Give me the ball! Give me the ball! (GROANS) (USE TA BE MY GIRL PLAYING) She use ta be She use ta be my girl She use ta be my girl I wouldn't lie about a thing like that She use ta be my girl Well, well She use ta be my girl (PHONE RINGING) (WOLFCASTLE ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Leave a message at the beep.
But don't be a message monster hogging all my tape! (BEEPING) Uh, Greta, it's me.
I think you left your pencil over at my house, and He's there now, isn't he? I knew it.
You're there.
Just hear me out.
Bart, forget it.
I'm leaving in 10 minutes.
My dad's shooting a movie in Toronto.
(GASPS) You're going to Spain? Goodbye, Bart.
So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior? This is for love, Dad.
Someday you'll feel what I feel.
It's only fair.
We went to Europe when Lisa lost her balloon.
Maggie, what do you think? All right, Son.
We'll all go! First class! (CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) It's so clean and bland.
I'm home! Wow! This bus station is the birthplace of Paul Shaffer.
Dad, no! It says, "Don't walk!" It doesn't matter.
They have free health care.
(GRUNTS) Whoa! I'm rich! Take off! To the Great White North! Take off! It's a beauty way to go! Take off I'm a 10-year-old boy in Toronto.
I should be the happiest kid in the world.
But I can't stop thinking about Greta! You'll win her back, eh.
And B, we're closing in five minutes.
Would a US dollar change your mind? American currency! What time would you like your breakfast, sir? Take off! To the Great White North! Over there you can see them shooting the film Canadian Graffiti.
Oh, I see you drive on the left up here.
No, Ma'am.
I'm drunk.
There it is! Wolfcastle's movie set! (BOY GRUNTING) (BULLIES CHUCKLING) Excuse me.
Which way to the chess club? What's your name, nerd? Melvin Eugene Puny-meyer.
Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd.
Ha! Just more of you to pick on.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) There she is, boy.
I don't know, Dad.
What if she's still mad at me? Listen to me, Son.
No one loves a quitter.
So you go over there and you win her back.
But she might say no.
Oh, I quit.
There's no convincing you.
(SIGHING) I'm gonna take a nap.
(SNORING) You're not gonna win her back.
She's with the "House" now.
(CHUCKLES) Milhouse, she's only dating you to get back at me.
My therapist said that's all I could ever hope for.
So take off, hoser! (BOTH GRUNTING) MILHOUSE: I'm gonna knock you into the next province! Well, we've seen some wild sweeping here today.
Yes.
The broom handling has been truly dazzling.
(GRUNTING CONTINUES) What's this? Two young Yankee Doodles have turned this match into a dandy.
(LAUGHING) Both our viewers must be thrilled.
Greta, I miss you so much.
Please be my girlfriend again.
No.
Yes! The "House" always wins! Sorry, Milhouse.
I thought Canada would save our relationship, but it only made it worse.
You're breaking up with me? Why? I guess I was just looking for someone more masculine.
I told you! I don't know how that scrunchie got in my hair! Sorry, guys.
But you two have put me off dating for at least four years.
I think I'll just buckle down and co-produce my dad's movies.
Need a unit production manager? (GROWLING) It's too late, Bart.
Well, I guess we're single again.
I can't believe I have to give her half my stuff! But are we still friends? Till the next one.
So, what do we do now? Well, we're in Canada.
Let's find something fun! I've got just the ticket! Come on! I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic Basketball team.
Yep.
It's just that easy.
(GRUNTING) Wow, that was close.
You can be the center.
(MUSIC PLAYING) How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips? KEARNEY: How come you suck? Uh I lack confidence? MILHOUSE: Whazzup! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  The Lastest Gun in the West
The Simpsons s13e12 Episode Script
The Lastest Gun in the West
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (EXCLAIMS) (DISTANT CHEERING) A-ha! A free baseball! (GASPS) A shiny new dime! A shinier new dime! Excuse me.
My refrigeration unit is broken.
Could you possibly eat some free ice cream? What flavor? Why, super chocolate, of course.
Oh, yes! This day just keeps getting better and better.
And here's a new four-legged friend for me.
Hiya, boy.
Haven't seen you around here before.
(GROWLING) (SCREAMING) (BARKING) (PANTING) (SIGHS) (GROWLING) Mom! A dog ate my clothes! MARGE: Nice try, but we're still going to Riverdance.
D'oh! You know that new baby brother Ralph's been bragging about? It's just a pinecone.
(BOTH SNIGGERING) (CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLING) (GROWLING) (BART SCREAMING) Let's go where it's quiet.
BART: Help! Isn't that your brother? I said, let's go.
Eh, I'm sick of this Tarzan movie.
Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless.
Oh, right.
(GULPING) A crazy dog's trying to kill me! Really? Ooh! This I gotta see.
(WHIMPERING) Oh, he just wants to make friends.
Ooh! Who's a good dog? What a goody doggie! (BABY TALK) He just a googie So, Bart, when does the killing start? (BABY TALK CONTINUES) (GROANING) (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) (BABY TALK) (GROWLS) Look, Bart, sometimes dogs or people hate you for no reason.
(GROWLING CONTINUES) (GULPS) (SIGHS) (GROWLS) (BART SCREAMING) (DOG BARKING) Bart's a goner.
Anyone want to be my new best friend? I will! Great! Finally, I'll be the dominant one.
Be quiet.
Yes, sir.
(PANTING) Ha-ha! Bart's family is poor! (ALL LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMS) MARGE: Hurry up, Bart, or you'll be late to be killed by the dog! What? I said you'll be late for school! (SHUDDERING) (GRUNTS) (GROWLING) Eat my short stories! (DOG BARKING) (BARKING CONTINUES) (GROANING) Phew! Safe at last! Now, I'll just turn around and confirm that safety.
(SCREAMING) Hey, wait a minute.
These animals are stuffed.
(EXCLAIMS) Except that one.
(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) Don't worry about these critters.
They're just props from my movies.
This one's from Gunfight at the Museum of Natural History.
You were in movies? Hold onto your hat, son.
You're talking to Buck McCoy.
Who? (CHUCKLING) Yeah, that's right.
Buck McCoy.
The most famous movie cowboy in the world.
No kidding.
Anyway, I climbed over your gate.
A dog was after me.
I'll show you a trick that you can use on dogs.
Also worked on David O.
Selznick.
Who? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's right.
The David O.
Selznick.
(GROWLING) Whoa! Keep him away from me! Trust me, son.
You'll be fine.
Now, lean down and put your arms across his neck.
(GROWLING CONTINUES) (WHIMPERING) Whoa! It worked! Where did you learn that? Ah, you pick things up.
Do you know how to catch a wild boar with a teaspoon? No! Well, what do you kids do all day? Well, right now I'm supposed to be in school.
School? Huh! Why bother? I quit after fourth grade, and I ain't not no un-dummy.
(WHISTLING) It's like you're living in a steakhouse! Well, thank you.
Most people just mutter that.
(VACUUM WHIRRING) Is that horse vacuuming? If you can call it that.
He soils as much as he cleans.
Frank the Wonder Horse was in 24 of my pictures.
And directed one.
And he got the "film by" credit.
(BELL DINGS) get home for dinner.
Well, come back anytime, pardner.
To the laundry room! (HORSE WHINNYING) (URGING HORSE) Here we are.
(HORSE SNORTING) Hi, honey.
Where's that vicious dog? I made him a biscuit.
Oh, he's not bothering me anymore.
Buck McCoy helped me.
Buck McCoy? He was the greatest of them all! He was bigger than opium! I met one of my heroes today.
She started the first Buck McCoy! I still carry this.
Junior Buckaroo, 2nd Class.
Little Grampa Simpson.
Cool! After that I starred in Wyatt Earp Meets The Mummy.
Then Six Brides For Seven Brothers.
They were pictures that the whole family could enjoy.
No drugs, no nudity, no cussing.
Just drinking, fighting and tripping horses with wires.
What's this lunchbox made of? Well, back in my day, we had a thing called metal.
Everything was made of it.
Lunchboxes, cars, you name it.
Me-tal.
Hey, can you still do cowboy tricks? Well, here's one I did in The Wild Lunch.
Everything tastes better when it's lassoed! Would you lasso me a banana? Now how the hell would I do that? I guess you're not going to have an adventure this week.
Huh.
Just you wait.
Hey, boy, where'd you get that hat? Buck gave it to me.
He's just about the greatest guy who ever lived.
I want to grow up to be just like him.
No kidding? Hey, speaking of achievers, they're thinking of spraying your old man's workspace for ticks.
That's great, champ.
I know you've been wanting that.
Well, got to mosey, Homer.
Ma'am.
Bart sure is fond of that cow gentleman.
It's just not fair.
This Buck fellow's had all the advantages.
Horse-riding lessons, the finest makeup, delicious studio food.
Oh, Homie, you'll always be my western hero.
Swell.
I can't wait till I get good.
(HORSE WHINNYING) Buck's here! Dad, why are you wearing that? Because I want to be your hero.
On top of which, I don't look bald.
Thanks for coming, Mr.
McCoy.
We cooked your favorites.
Rattlesnake meat, varmint kabobs and refried whiskey.
I like the sound of that last one.
Don't listen to them, Buck! It's an ambush! They're trying to jump your claim! Take him outside.
I love you, Buck! Gee, Buck, your old films are as violent as today's! One of the wheels broke off my chair today, but I didn't make a movie about it.
(SHUSHES) In the '50s, I did a TV show.
It only lasted a year, but we did 360 episodes, all of them great.
I did the commercials myself.
Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk! I'm not sure I approve of selling whiskey to children.
Well, that ad was aimed at children who were already heavy drinkers.
Oh! ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode "Excuse Me While I Kill The Sky.
" Why are you driving a car? (CHUCKLING) Yeah, in the '70s, Westerns were out and detective shows were in.
It seems like all I did was shoot hippies.
They wrote me out of the show and it became Room 222.
So that's how you ended your career? Yeah, well, what can you do? The Western went the way of the evening newspaper and polio.
Well, I think Westerns are due for a comeback.
Yeah! We can have showdowns at the schoolyard and use nerds as Indians.
(SHUDDERS) (PLAYING UPBEAT SONG) Bart, you look so cool.
(IN SOUTHERN DRAWL) I was thinking this could be a new fad.
What about Hawaiian shirts? Hey, you're not fun, you're fat! Now, listen up.
When I come back tomorrow, you better have cowboy suits, and they better be adorable.
(TOY GUNS FIRING) This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus.
I'm Annie Oakley! I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles! I'm a gulch! So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news.
I'm Kent Brockman.
(SNORTING) (SINGING) Oh, give me land Lots of land Under starry skies above (ALL SINGING) Don't fence me in Sir, you cannot pee Unless you are an employee (SINGING) Can't keep it in (ZIPPER UNZIPPING) (HOMER SIGHING) Krusty, how do you feel about putting Buck McCoy on your show? Pass! We also represent Billy Joel.
Who's the first one again? Buck McCoy.
Forget it! I'm not putting some Western star on just 'cause it's the flavor of the month.
I want my show to have a timeless quality.
Here's your hanging chad sketch, Krusty.
(LAUGHING) Oh, good, you worked in Judge Ito.
Please put Buck on! He's my hero! Plus, he'll work for scale.
Scale minus 10.
I ain't going on some clown show.
I'm retired.
No one expects you to do anything difficult.
They understand you're too old.
Listen, missy.
The last two city-slickers who used reverse psychology on me are pushing up daisies.
They're dead? No, they just got lousy jobs.
You know what? I bet he can't even fit into his old costume.
I can't, huh? You two wait right here.
Let's see, Texas or Massachusetts? Texas.
I like the way you think.
(BUZZING) (WHISTLING) Boy, that's some fancy shooting.
Oh, I've seen fancier.
Ooh! Right in the panhandle! (CHUCKLES) Write that down.
Buck, this is a real honor.
I grew up watching your horse operas down at the Bijou.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, things sure have changed since the '50s.
I don't care.
You know, it's been a long time since I performed live.
You'll do fine.
Just remember, there'll be millions of people watching you.
Millions! And TV Guide's Cheers and Jeers editor.
And he's already given out all his cheers.
(GULPING) ANNOUNCER: Live from the corner of Zany Avenue and Martin Luther King Boulevard, it's The Krusty the Klown Show, with special guest Buck McCoy.
And now, here's Krusty! We've got such a great show tonight.
I won't be doing a monologue because my feet hurt.
And now our opening sketch.
(TEENY CHIRPING) We don't take kindly to transvestite chimpanzees here in Pine Corners! (LAUGHING) No one can save you now! (DRUMROLL) I said, no one can save you now! Shut up! I'm coming! (GULPING) Oh! Like you're so perfect with your plastic mane and your painted-on spot.
What's real on you? Nothing! He's drunk! I've seen drunker.
Oh, right, yeah, the guns.
(GRUNTS) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) We're free! (SCREAMING) These hilarious health professionals will cut me out of my clothes after this commercial.
(SIGHS) What happened, Buck? Did I forget to mention I'm an alcoholic? (BOTH GASPING) (GULPS) For shame.
This is horrible.
My spit-takes all have blood in them.
Look, I'm really sorry.
Sorry don't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever! (SIGHS) Bart, I couldn't help noticing Buck is a total fraud, so I took the liberty of creating a new hero for your wall.
(HOMER GROWLING SENSUALLY) That is just grotesque.
I thought if you were looking to worship someone, maybe it could be your old man.
Eh.
We could try it.
Yes! (SIGHING) My son lost his hero.
This should be the greatest night of my life.
How come I'm not happy? You care about Bart's feelings.
Stop saying that! I think we should try to restore Bart's faith in Buck, and we could start by getting Buck to quit drinking.
I'm sorry I let your son down, but I'm too old to change.
Oh, listen to you! (MIMICKING BUCK) "I'm too old to change.
" (CRYING) How old are you? Seventy-six.
(EXCLAIMS) Nice old man.
Don't break a hip.
Have we gotten all the liquor? That painting is made of liquor.
I was drinking so much I forgot what life was about.
Gold! (LAUGHING) Gold! Beautiful gold! Nuggets as big as your fists! You guys are sick.
I don't belong here.
Buck, if you walk out that door, you'll be branded a quitter forever.
(SNIFFING) Mmm! Something smells delicious! Well, that's it.
This place ain't for me.
Well, we're not giving up.
We're going to cure you of drinking.
Look, I worked long and hard, got rich, and now I'm retired.
Why shouldn't I be able to drink all I want? Well, I don't know.
I just naturally assumed it was some of my business.
Well, I don't see how it is.
Nobody's even told me your name yet.
I'm still not giving up on Buck.
There must be some harebrained, half-assed way This just in.
A robbery is in progress at the National Bank of Springfield.
The robbers are equipped with the latest in high-tech weaponry and body armor.
Stay back, coppers! Uh, please, everyone! Stay away! We don't want anyone to be a hero! A hero! A hero! Get me Buck McCoy! LISA: Dad, I'm on the line! Here you go.
Just stop this bank robbery and you'll be a hero again.
I'll wait in the car.
Are you crazy? I'm a movie cowboy.
And you're no Howard Hawks.
That hurts.
But I just have one question.
Do you want my son to be disappointed in you? Fine.
You don't need that.
Way to go, Buck.
I feel my faith growing anew! Better get rid of this, too.
Not to mention this.
Whoa! There's nothing wrong with a little "hey-hey!" (CHUCKLING) Fun's over, boys! Drop the hardware and mosey! I'm firing at the lasso, but the bullets just go through the middle! It's the ultimate weapon.
(GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) Wow.
That sure made us look bad.
Slink away, boys.
Slink away.
Buck, you're my hero again.
Aren't you forgetting someone? Well, there's Krusty, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, America's Fire Fighters, and then you, Dad.
(CHUCKLING) And don't you forget it.
(SIGHING) Oh! Goodbye, Bart! Never bother me again! (URGING HORSE) (TRIUMPHANT WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL CHEERING) (HORSE SNORTING) (SCREAMING) (BARKING) (DOG GROWLING) English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  The Old Man and the Key
The Simpsons s13e13 Episode Script
The Old Man and the Key
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) What the (CHUCKLING) Honey, I've got some bad news for you.
Not now, Marge.
I'm waiting for the new XFL season! Who will win this year's million-dollar game? Who? Who? Honey.
The "X" is for "Extreme.
" There is no XFL this year.
The league folded.
(EXCLAIMS) Who told you? Last year's MVP.
He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? AUTOMATED VOICE: Hello.
This is the Springfield Retirement Castle.
Your parent ABE'S RECORDED VOICE: Abraham Simpson.
is dead.
Oh, my God! He died from Complications of a medical nature.
The nursing home was not responsible.
Homer, your father's dead.
(CRYING) And he never even lived to be a vegetable.
(CRYING) I'm really gonna miss him.
(SNIFFING) It's Grampa's smell.
(BART READING) Oh, my dad never even knew how I felt about him.
But you were very open with your feelings.
Sure, I said I loved him, but never that I was in love with him.
(CONTINUES CRYING) ABE: What are you crying about? You don't have to live here.
Dad! Grampa! Grampa! Stop it! You're stretching out my skin.
(GRUNTS) What's got into you punks? The home told us you were dead.
Me? I ain't dead.
It was Stamson down the hall.
So much for Mr.
I Can Button My Own Shirt.
(LAUGHING) Oh, Dad.
We've got what people never get.
A second chance.
Yeah, there's so many things we can Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll call you or send you some fruit.
Look, Grampa.
You're already getting a new neighbor.
Hi.
I'm Zelda.
I put the "ass" in assisted living.
Holy mac (CHUCKLES) Abe Simpson's the name, and now that you're here, I'm changing my instructions to "do resuscitate.
" Now, let me show you around.
Over there are the preppies (GULPING) And over there's the comatose, and the cool comatose.
Hey, who's the tall drink of Maalox? Are you young ladies here to visit your mothers? (ALL GIGGLING) Eh, that's Zack.
He's as smooth as a 50-year-old behind.
Who wants to go get some sweet corn in my minivan? (ALL GASPING) It's got a wheelchair lift.
(ALL EXCLAIM) (ALL BREATHING HEAVILY) If you can drive, they're all over you.
I used to drive, but they pulled my license.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING) Is this the Dairy Queen? (MOANING) But Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big backseat and a lot of gas, I'm your man.
Oh! You've never heard Garrison Keillor till you've heard him through five speakers.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTING) Tramp.
BART: B-6.
You sunk my Scrabbleship.
This game makes no sense.
Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives.
Semper Fi.
I want to drive again! You? No way! It's too dangerous.
Well, you're no angel behind the wheel.
What about your DUI? That was a DWI! Give Grampa a chance.
Statistics show that old people drive at least as well as sleep-deprived apes.
Please, Son.
Driving is my last chance to feel alive.
Well, you brought me into this world, so no! Fine.
I'm dead.
Dad, get up.
No, I'm dead.
Grampa, come on.
Dead! Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead! All right, Grampa.
I'll help you get your license back.
Woo-hoo! And I want driving gloves.
No way! Dead, dead, dead, dead! First of all, I'd like to ask if anyone has any questions.
Yeah.
Where's the men's room? It's down the hall.
(COUGHING) Okay.
Now, let's pretend that we're going for a drive.
(STEERING WHEELS SQUEAKING) Leo, slow down.
That looks like a nice place to eat.
Carla's daughter works in that building.
You know, it's kind of ironic.
These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.
Makes you think, huh, Chief? Not really.
PATTY: Next! Grampa's here to get his driver's license.
Okay.
Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye.
That's my seeing eye.
The right one's my winking eye.
(CHUCKLING) I'll give you your license if you never do that again.
Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.
Can't you just use this recent photo? Mmm.
(GRUNTS) All right.
Here you go.
Woo-hoo! Who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) Shut up! (SLURPING) (SCATTING) What's the scoop, milkshakes? I got me a date with Zelda, so I need the car.
Oh, no.
I'm not giving you my car.
You'd probably drive it.
You don't trust your old man? You ungrateful milkshake.
Why don't we double-date? Then the restaurant will have to give us that booth.
Wow, a booth.
If I'm tired, I can just lie down.
(BRAKES SCREECHING) Cut it out! I can work the brake myself.
No, you can't.
(BRAKES SCREECHING) You're slow to react, Dad.
Baloney! (WHOOPS) This is the best party of my life.
Bro, you tapped the septic tank.
Dude sure got his comeuppance.
(LAUGHING) In real life, he would die.
(MOANING) Oh, Abe.
Oh, Zelda.
(GRUNTS IN DISGUST) Hey, watch the movie.
Movies were better in our day.
For a nickel you got two movies, a cartoon, a bag of popcorn and a whipping.
Kept your mind on your business.
Hop in, beautiful.
(HUMMING) (SHARP DRESSED MAN PLAYING) 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man Now, there's a few things I want to say to you, Zelda.
Save your breath.
Seriously.
Well, I gotta do something before the Viagra kicks in.
I know.
I'll suck my teeth.
(SUCKING NOISILY) Whoa! Here we go.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING) Give me those keys! Do you have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my bookie, the kennel Okay, this isn't about who I called.
See you later.
I'm going to the library.
Lisa gets to do what she wants and you don't yell at her.
Hey, I've earned their trust.
Oh! Everybody trusts Lisa.
Precious little Lisa.
Apple of her daddy's eye.
Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie.
(GASPS) She's no hoochie.
Her name is Zelda and she understands me.
Grampa, I gotta tell you, she's a stone-cold hoochie.
Straight up, Marge.
That hoochie only likes you because you can drive.
Shut up! You don't know her! Zelda loves me! I hate this house! (BIG BAND MUSIC BLARING) Turn that down! You call that music? (MUSIC STOPS) I just don't know what to do.
He used to be such an angel.
Maybe you should give him another chance.
No.
He's gotta learn, Marge.
The way my dad made me learn.
He is your dad.
Cosmic.
Hey, Abe, what are you doing here? We heard you lost your driving privileges.
Well, for your information, I can still drive to the store, but I have to be back in five minutes with these things for the baby.
Oh, Gentlemen, the new scratch-and-win tickets are out today.
I'll take one, Achu.
No, not "chu," "pu.
" I got troubles with both.
(ALL SCRATCHING) Finally the shakes are working for me.
Pardon me, sir.
Your scrapings have landed on my jacket from Planet Hollywood, Orlando.
So, what if it did? So, it is very thoughtless.
I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet.
You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne.
Then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us, Los Souvenir Jacquitos! Bring it on.
Please, gentlemen.
Violence is not the answer.
Then what is? Some sort of death race? That's what I would do.
Very well, Viejo.
You shall have your death race.
(STAMMERING) Death race? And another thing.
No death races.
Oh, I better not.
(TAUNTING) Fine! I'll meet you at the abandoned aqueduct.
For the death race? Yes, the death race.
All right, seniors and seÃ±ores, whichever car makes it through that tunnel first is the winner.
But it's only big enough for one car.
What are you scared of, old man? Everything.
Dogs, Dutchmen, the gathering darkness.
All right.
When I yank down my girlfriend's tube top, the race will begin.
What? I'm just trying to bring you into my world.
(SIGHING) Just go.
(TIRES SCREECHING) (SPEAKING SPANISH) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Old friend, your jacket, she burns.
Then I burn with her, for I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to.
(ALL CHEERING) Whoo-hoo! We're the baddest punks in our age bracket! (ALL SCREAMING) (ALL COUGHING) (BIRDS SQUAWKING) My beard.
I broke my beard.
(GRUNTS) Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know.
(YAWNING) (GROANING) (MUMBLING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh! That is it! Abraham J.
Simpson, you are never driving again! Ever! (GROANS) I can't believe I cracked up my only set of wheels.
(CLANGING) Go home! Put on a smile, high-pants.
I've got a surprise for you.
I've booked us a room for the weekend in Branson, Missouri.
The Gritz Carlton Hotel.
Oh! That's great, but there's a slight hitch.
You see, I'm temporarily between cars.
(GASPS) But we don't need anything to have fun but ourselves.
(SINGING) Give me that old time fun Give me that old time fun Give me that old time fun The kind where we stay home Zelda, may I offer you a lift? No! Don't feel bad, Abe.
I'll always think of you as my friend without a car.
Don't go, Zelda! I love you! Zelda, I'm gonna make you forget about your grandchildren.
Oh, what'll I do? (CLEARING THROAT) Hey, Grampa.
Stealing Mom's car? Yeah, it's the only way to win back Zelda.
And if I go to prison, I'll get better food and more hugs.
Uh, it's actually blue wire to yellow wire.
It is? (ENGINE STARTING) Hot diggety Dodge! Next stop, Branson, Missouri! Can I tag along? Sure, why not? School ain't helping you.
(BORN TO BE WILD PLAYING) Born to be wild Oh, I hate this hippie crap.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now, WOMB, warm and safe radio, takes you back to the golden age of radio theater.
ANNOUNCER 2: It's The Itchy and Scratchy Hour, presented by Hansen's Moustache Wax, the moustache wax Hitler doesn't use.
(SINGING) They Fight, and Bite They Fight and Fight and Bite Fight, fight, fight, bite, bite, bite The Itchy and Scratchy Show ANNOUNCER 2: As we join tonight's adventure, we find Itchy at the counter of his butcher shop.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) ITCHY: Hiya, Scratchy.
(APPLAUSE) (SCRATCHY EXCLAIMING) SCRATCHY: You're crushing my head! (BOTH LAUGHING) During the war, Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy.
The lady knows funny.
First he wrecks your car, then he steals mine.
Your father's out of control.
Oh, sure, when he does something bad, he's my father.
He must've dropped this.
(MARGE READING) We've gotta go after them! But how? Branson is a thousand miles away, and we've got no car.
(BUS HONKING) Oh! That was lucky.
Come on, boys.
(BOYS CHEERING) Uh, we'll wait for the next one.
(BRAKES SCREECHING) What are those, Grampa? These are hobo signs.
They're to tell other hobos if a place is friendly or not.
That one means good vittles.
Sexy daughter.
Mass hobo grave in cellar.
(BOTH EXCLAIM) (TIRES SCREECHING) Here we are.
Branson, Missouri.
No, pally.
This is Bronson, Missouri.
Mmm.
Hey.
Well, how do we get to Branson? Number 10 bus.
Hey, Ma, how about some cookies? No dice.
This ain't over.
(GASPING) There it is! ABE: That's the glitziest "Welcome To" sign ever! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Whoa! Okay, keep an eye peeled for Zelda.
Is that her? No.
Is that her? No.
Is that her? No.
Is that her? No! Wait.
It was the second one.
(TIRES SCREECHING) Zelda, baby, it's me! Two seniors, please.
Oh, no! He's taking her to the hottest matinee in town.
Come on, boy.
After them! (OMINOUS CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Remember the stars you loved yesterday Where did they go? Did they all pass away? Was it drugs or a car crash Or facelift gone wrong? No, they're right here in Branson And singing this song My name is Charo I shake my maracas Remember me, fool? I was B.
A.
Baracus We're the performers You thought were dead Like Bonnie Franklin and Adrian Zmed Branson's the place We can always be found They took Nick at Nite And made it a town You can call me Ray Or you can call me Jay Just don't call me washed up I do three shows a day Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground Yes, I'm still alive And I'm making my sounds (VOCALIZING) So sit back, relax And watch our revue In Soviet Union Revue watches you Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now, I know you're dead.
No.
You just think I'm dead.
No, you're dead.
I was your biggest fan.
Look, I clipped your obituary.
(GASPS) Let's take a quick gambling break.
A little action will really sharpen our senses.
Mom, there's no gambling in Branson.
It was designed as a family destination.
Oh, no, there's gambling.
We just have to find it! Look, Mom, it's your car.
Grampa and Bart must be in that theater.
Bet you they're not.
Three to one.
How much you got? Mom, you're hurting me.
Grampa, look over there.
It's Captain Bringdown and The Buzzkillers.
If you're gonna make your move, you better do it quick.
Mmm Wait! Stop the music! (MUSIC STOPS) A-ha! Oh! It's Grampa! Munster? No, Simpson.
Oh, darn, darn, darn! I've driven hundreds of miles to say something very special to someone in this audience tonight.
ALL: Aw! Huh? Zelda, will you come up here? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Drive me, Abe.
Drive me.
I just want to say we're through! Nobody dumps Abe Simpson.
You're nothing but a hoochie.
Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie! ALL: (CHANTING) Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie! Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie! (EXCLAIMING) Now I'd like my son to come up here.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) Son, can you forgive an old fool? Only in public.
BOTH: Oh! AUDIENCE: Aw! Now, let's go home.
In Russia, stage is for performers only.
(VOCALIZING) (VOCALIZING CONTINUES) (THE BALLAD OF JED CLAMPETT PLAYING) (SNORING) (GRUNTS) (SNORING) Hey! (EXCLAIMS) LISA: (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) This has been a Gracie Films presentation! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Tales From the Public Domain
The Simpsons s13e14 Episode Script
Tales From the Public Domain
(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Bill, bill Bill.
Homer, you got a letter.
Hmm.
It's from the library.
Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.
J.
Wait a minute.
Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues! Oh, my God! He did it! (WHIMPERS) Here's the book.
(BLOWS) "Classics for Children"? Yeah.
I checked that out when Bart was born.
I was gonna read to him every day.
What happened? Stuff kept coming up.
Mostly car-related.
Piece of crap.
Why don't you read to us now? I decide who reads and when! How about now? Mmm.
Homer's Odyssey.
Is this about that minivan I rented once? No, Dad.
It's an epic tale from ancient Greece.
That minivan had the biggest cup holders.
And change slots for every coin, from penny to quarter.
Dad, I loved it, too, but it was seven years ago.
Fine.
"It was the end of the Trojan War.
"Clever Odysseus had come up with a plan "to destroy the Trojans once and for all.
" (GRUNTING) Hi, odiddily-Odysseus! (MUTTERS) Stupid king of Troy.
I think I speak for all the Greeks when I say this war has gone on for too long.
I'll say.
I'd really like to go out and get the mail.
Anyway, over torture, one of your soldiers mentioned that you collect giant wooden animals.
We hope you don't have a horse.
Well, I don't have one from you.
Bring it in! Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.
Trojans.
What are you laughing at, Dad? If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny.
Anyway, "As night fell, the Greek soldiers crept from the wooden horse.
" (SNORING) Aw, look at them.
Sleeping like little angels.
Spare no one.
(SCREAMING) Remember, just 'cause their heads are off, it don't mean they're dead.
Now I can return to Ithaca and my sweet wife, Penelope.
Odysseus, do not forget to thank the gods for our victory with an appropriate animal sacrifice.
Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric.
Now have the slaves kill the wounded.
No sacrifice? We'll teach that mortal to trifle with the gods.
I got it.
(GRUNTS) (EXPLOSION) You fat lush.
You just destroyed Atlantis.
You used to be fun.
Where's the Zeus who used to turn into a cow and pick up chicks? He grew up.
Maybe you should, too.
Poseidon, you take care of Odysseus.
Yarr.
I'll send him far.
Off course.
(LAUGHS) "Greece" is the word.
Is it "vase" or "vase"? You gonna be asking that the whole trip? Gentlemen, I must be wasted, 'cause it looks like that cloud is mad at me.
Yarr! Yarr! (ALL SHOUTING) (ALL SIGH IN RELIEF) SIRENS: (SINGING) On the island Island of Sirens Our hot sex Will leave you perspiring Hey, that's kind of catchy.
It's coming from that island.
Let's steer heedlessly towards it.
Heedlessly it is.
(HUMMING) The feta is cheesy The Sirens are easy Boy, if they kiss as good as they lure, wow! On the island We'll sex you up Island of Sirens Oh, God! They're hideous! (BOTH EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Someone gouge my eyes! FRINK: Save me from the ladies! It's been so many years since I've seen your father.
I hope he's still the magnificent physical specimen he was when he left.
Mom, maybe it's time to choose a suitor.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Discus Stu has ouzo for twozo.
I'll leave you guys alone.
Discus Stu was talking to you.
(SHUDDERS) Oh, where could your father be? HOMER: Almost home.
(ALL CHEERING) (ALL GROANING) Ain't I a stinker? Welcome to my island.
I am Circe, the sorceress.
Boy, who decided to give every weirdo an island? You must be thirsty.
Drink from my cauldron.
Well, I was in the mood for something bubbling.
Out of the way, slim.
(EXCLAIMS) (ALL SNORTING) Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys.
Guys? (ALL SNORTING) That pig looks like Lenny.
Hey! Mmm.
That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.
I'm still hungry.
Didn't you eat enough of your friends? (GASPS) Those were my friends? Yes.
I've been saying that for hours.
That's it! I'm going home! Which way to Ithaca? It's not so easy.
You must go through Hades, crossing the River Styx.
(SINGING) You're my lady Of the morning Oh, this truly is hell! Okay.
It has been 20 years, and you suitors have been very patient.
We've been beyond patient! When we came here, Helen of Troy was hot! Now look at her! This is the face that launched a thousand ships, the other way.
HOMER: Honey, I'm home.
Well, look who the fates dragged in.
Oh, I'm sorry I was gone so long, but I'm gonna do something I haven't done for 20 years.
Take out the trash! (ALL GROANING) Sweet Penelope, you're just as beautiful as you were when I left.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
ALL: Aw.
(ALL GROAN) Brave Odysseus, it's been 20 long years.
Regale me with tales of your adventures.
Quit suffocating me.
I'm going to Moe's.
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) Oh, here's the story of Joan of Arc.
Ooh! Did you say Joan Van Ark? No, Mom.
Joan of Arc.
It's never Joan Van Ark.
This one takes place in a make-believe kingdom called France.
"The French were fighting the English in the Hundred Years' War, "which was then called Operation Speedy Resolution.
" Son, how's it going with the breakfast pÃ¢tÃ©? I'm on it.
(QUACKING) (SQUAWKS) Bartrand, where is your sister Joan? Morning bells are ringing.
Morning bells are ringing.
She's talking to her invisible friend.
God.
And please bless Mama and Papa and Bartrand and Coco Chanel.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Joan of Arc, I am your God.
(EXCLAIMS WORRIEDLY) I have chosen you to lead the French army to victory over the English invaders.
But I'm just a little girl.
I know.
I have three eyes.
Now get cracking.
God wants you to lead the French army to what? Victory.
Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it! God spoke to me.
I must obey.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Joan, give me your dessert.
That's just you, Bart.
GOD: Joan, give me your dessert! Yes, sir.
(GOD MUNCHING) That's going straight to my five thighs.
All right, garÃ§ons.
(COUNTING IN FRENCH) Huh? No, un.
You know, French for "one.
" Well, you keep switching back between French and English.
Just fire the damn thing.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH) (GROANS) My fault this time.
I didn't tuck in my legs.
Wait! I have been sent to lead the French army to victory! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, really? And how are you gonna do that? With modern ideas, like putting bigger, harder people in the catapult.
Or, how about rocks? (ALL MURMURING) SOLDIER: Rock.
I don't know how to feel just now.
And now, attack! (YELLING) (SWORDS CLANGING) (LISA EXCLAIMING) Shouldn't we help her? Yeah, right behind you, Lou.
(YELLING) Uh-oh.
There's my supervisor.
(YELLING) (ALL YELLING) (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Hello, hello, hello.
What's all this then? It's a little bird with a knife, isn't it? (GROANS) What a thing to happen! (GROANS) (ALL GROANING) Blimey! We welcome our savior, Joan of Arc.
It is customary to kneel before the king.
I would gladly kneel, were you the real king.
(ALL GASPING) You are the true dauphin.
You had this impostor try to fool me to see if I was truly sent by God.
Bravo, Joan of Arc.
You are as brainsome as you are toothsome.
(CHUCKLES) Quimbe, you may resume your regular duties now.
It would be my pleasure.
Vibrate for me, footstool.
(VIBRATING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Loyal subjects, let us drink to Joan of Arc, who will conquer the English, and has already conquered my heart.
(LAUGHS) Uh, God says we should just be friends.
I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the 12th girl he's struck out with this week! Boil him in oil! So no 10:30 show? Let us kill the English! Their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants! (ALL CHEERING) They're attacking again.
I thought we had a truce.
Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it so.
(GROANS) Oh, my word! You can't stop me! I was sent by God! I want my mommy! I captured a wee girl! I'm the greatest hero in English history! (WHINNYING) Joan of Arc, you are accused of heresy, witchcraft, and that man told me you pushed him.
(GRUNTS ANGRILY) I would like to call my only witness.
Almighty God.
(ALL GASPING) GOD: I told this maiden to lead the French to victory.
Wait a minute, you two-timing spot of light.
You told me to lead the English to victory! (GASPS) Is that true, Lord? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Well, I never thought the two of you would be in the same room, actually.
This is a little embarrassing.
Goodbye now.
That was weird.
Let's burn her! ALL: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her! Don't burn her! She's just an innocent child! Burn this guy! He lost a good bucket! Joan, renounce your faith.
Save yourself.
Don't worry, beloved parents.
God won't let anything happen to me.
Huh.
Getting kind of hot around here.
Wow.
What happened, Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they? Of course they didn't, honey.
"Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up "on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.
"They got married and lived in a spaceship.
The end.
" (HUMMING) Well, that's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
Our next story is Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.
Dad, these old stories can't compare with our modern super writers.
Steven Bochco could kick Shakespeare's ass! Look, this story's more interesting than you think.
It starts with Hamlet's father getting murdered.
Cool.
Does he get to marry his mom? I don't know, but that would be hot.
"Once upon a time, there was a young Prince of Denmark.
" Hamlet! Avenge me! Dad? Yes.
I have returned from the dead.
Looks like you've returned from the buffet.
Why, you little D'oh! My son, I have some shocking news.
I was murdered.
Murdered, I tells you! Really? Behold! As I slept, your Uncle Claudius poured poison in my ear.
Poison most foul! (MOANS) So he could marry your mother and become the king! Yeah, that was quite a weekend.
Now you must avenge me.
Avenge me! How? I don't know.
Surprise me.
(IN GHOSTLY VOICE) Surprise me! Could that fat ghost be telling the truth? First, I've gotta get Uncle Claudius to confess.
Then I've gotta kill him.
It's cold outside.
You'll need a sweater.
(IN GHOSTLY VOICE) A sweater! And if your idea of a first date is burning down her village, you just might be a Viking! (ALL LAUGHING) That's what I get for sitting up front, eh? (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) I love these jesters.
They're exactly what I need to forget about my first husband.
Yeah, I really miss the old guy.
It was all I could do to put on his jewels and score with his wife every night.
How are you doing, kid? Nice to see you.
Now we would like to warn you, our performances tend to make audience members blurt out hidden secrets.
Oh, boy.
Aha! Methinks the play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.
Catch my conscience? What? You're not supposed to hear me.
That's a soliloquy.
Okay, well, I'll do a soliloquy, too.
(CLEARS THROAT) Note to self.
Kill that kid.
Okay, we're gonna open it up with a little improv.
Somebody shout out a location! This castle! Okay.
How about an occupation? Usurper of the throne! (GRUNTS WORRIEDLY) I think I heard "usurper of the throne.
" Now finally, I need an object.
Ear poison! Hey, do you have diarrhea? I have diarrhea.
Sit down! Wait a minute! I didn't use that much poison! (ALL GASPING) I mean, I didn't use that much poi, son, at the royal luau.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (GASPS) Daddy, it's true! Uncle Claudius murdered you! Oh, great.
Now Hamlet's acting crazy.
Well nobody out-crazies Ophelia.
Hey, nonny nonny, with a hoo and a haw, and a nonny nonny hey! (SPLASH) (YELLING) Hamlet, what'd I tell you about running with swords? Someone's behind the curtain.
It could be Claudius.
Only one way to find out.
(MAN GROANING) Ow! Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain? I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.
Daddy's stomach is crying.
Laertes, you gotta do a special big-boy job for Daddy.
I need you to avenge my death.
I like revenging! I'm gonna kill Hamlet.
Here's my mad face.
(GRUNTS ANGRILY) (LAUGHS) Cute kid.
But just in case you don't kill Hamlet, I put some poison on the food, on the drapes, even on Rosencarl and Guildenlenny here.
If Hamlet touches either of us, he's dead.
Booyah! (BOTH GROAN) Now, Hamlet, you know the rules.
Laertes here gets one practice stab.
Oh, boy! Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Now there's nothing to stop me from getting my vengeance.
You sure you don't want a nice piece of fish, or to finger the drapes a little? This ends here! (EXCLAIMS) (GROANS) Remember me as a peacemaker.
(GROANS) And now to celebrate life! Whoa! Bloody floor! (GROANS) No way I'm cleaning up this mess.
(GRUNTS) And that's the greatest thing ever written.
Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where every character is murdered could be so boring! Son, it's not only a great play, but also became a great movie called Ghostbusters.
(GHOSTBUSTERS THEME PLAYING) English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Blame it on Lisa
The Simpsons s13e15 Episode Script
Blame it on Lisa
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SINGING) The Itchy and Scratchy Show! Tee one up for me, catty.
Sure thing, mousy.
(LAUGHING) Nice follow-through! Now that's what I call a moon shot.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Now that's what I call a moon shot.
Dad, that line was in the cartoon.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
Our phone bill is $400! They charged us for a call to Brazil.
Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir.
I didn't.
Choke on your lies! (GRUNTING) Homer, they must've made a mistake.
We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out.
Which phone company? There are hundreds of them.
And they all keep changing their names.
(SOBBING) I think we're with Comquaaq.
No, I think its Niagular.
No, last week they became Vertiqual.
(SOBBING) Wow.
Everything is so high-tech.
Dialing Murray Hill, So, I says to Myrna, I says, "That guy's a bum!" Ooh! That's the Movie Phone guy.
The movie we've selected plays at 8:00 p.
m.
at Springfield Cinema Six.
Thank you for dating Mr.
Movie Phone.
Our evening will be rated R, for brief nudity.
Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long-distance service if (GASPS) What the She hung up on me! What did I do? (SOBBING) Hello.
I'm your customer service rep, Lindsay Naegle.
We've met you many times, Miss Naegle.
Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator.
Oh.
Now, how may I best dispense with you today? We've been charged for calls to Brazil that we didn't make.
We are not paying this bill.
Fine.
I'll cut off your service.
Fine! I'll cut off your ponytail! Homer! Marge, it's called negotiating.
(MURMURS) Ooh.
Fascinating.
I need to call Janie, but I can't get a dial tone.
We're not paying our bill, so the phone company shut off our service.
(SIGHS) Why must you fight with every utility? I told you, I have too much time on my hands.
Homer.
We were cleaning out a cooling duct at the plant and found a box of old taco shells.
Oh, why didn't you call me? We tried, but a recording said you were a bunch of deadbeats.
Mmm.
That's it! They have awoken a sleeping giant.
Homer, what are you going to do? Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme.
Get me tools and beer! Yes! Free service, here we come.
All right.
Let's try the red one.
(SCREAMS) Okay.
I'll try the green.
(SHRIEKING) Let's try the red one again.
Oh, not again! (SCREAMING) Let's try them together.
(SCREAMS) (GROANING) Maybe the red one.
(SCREAMS) (SHUDDERING) How did I get here? We found you smoldering in the bushes.
That's it! We're just going to have to pay for that call to Brazil! What call to Brazil? The one I didn't make and Marge didn't make and Bart didn't make and hence, no one in the house made.
Uh-oh.
You made that call? But you're the good one.
Yeah.
The one we both like.
Why did you do it? Please don't be mad.
I've been sponsoring an orphan boy in Brazil.
Oh, aren't you sweet? Sharing your allowance with a poor Brazilian boy.
Don't you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers? I saw it in a movie, whose name I can't remember! Ronaldo used to send me a letter every month, but then they stopped.
That's why I called the orphanage.
But they said he disappeared.
How come you talked for $400? Well, then they started pressuring me for more donations, and you can't hang up on a nun.
That's right.
They have powers.
When I sent my first donation, the charity mailed me this video.
Hi, Lisa.
Thank you for your donation.
Because of your generosity, I bought sturdy shoes that will last for a thousand sambas! (HUMMING) ALL: Aw! He's so adorable.
Can we have another baby? No way! I still haven't lost the weight I put on from the last one.
And with the money left over, the orphanage was able to buy a door.
Now the monkeys cannot bite me.
Uh-oh.
(SCREECHING) I am like sugar to them.
(SNIFFS) Oh.
That poor little boy.
We've got to find him.
How many people live in Brazil? A hundred and fifty-six million.
D'oh! Well, we've got to find him! What? I'm really concerned.
Fine.
I want to meet monkeys.
I don't know.
It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Not if we buy our tickets on the Internet.
It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City and East Saint Louis, spend a night in a haunted house and leave right now.
Then it's settled.
The Simpsons are going to Brazil! And I'll have been on every continent.
Except Antarctica.
The Simpsons are going to Antarctica next year.
This year, Brazil.
Okay, here are some travel tips.
"Only drink bottled water.
"Don't get into an unlicensed taxi.
"And remember, they have winter during our summer.
" Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, in August, it's cold? That's right.
And in February, it's hot? Mmm-hmm.
So, it's opposite land! Crooks chase cops, cats have puppies.
No, Dad.
It's just the weather.
So, hot snow falls up? (SIGHS) Yes.
Woo-hoo! Get ready, Brazil.
I now speak fluent Spanish.
Well done, Bart.
But in Brazil, they speak Portuguese.
(SPEAKS ANGRILY IN SPANISH) Forget every word, boy.
It's useless.
But, Homer I said forget it! All gone.
(MURMURS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) This is your captain speaking.
The local temperature in Rio de Janeiro is hot, hot, hot, with 100% chance of passion! Fernando, you make that joke every time.
It was that joke that made you fall in love with me.
Hey, Maggie, how are you doing back there? Oh, so helpless.
(GASPS) Look, it's the giant statue of Christ on Corcovado.
Wow.
It's like he's on the dashboard of the entire country.
It says here we can get anywhere we want by taking a conga line.
Way ahead of you, Marge.
(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Take me to the hotel My hands are on a guy's ass Boy, this dude must work out SIMPSONS: Hey! Hey! Boy, they sure love soccer here.
Kick it! (LAUGHING) Goal! Look, Marge.
I'm Brazilian! LISA: "How to Loot Brazil"? I got it! I got it! I got it! (GIGGLING) Bart, what are you watching? Kids' show.
(HUMMING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Bert and Ernie left it to your imagination.
Look, the room came with a fruit hat.
Hey, and a mini bar hat! (SINGING) I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say I will eat this Toblerone and I will not pay Guys! While you're singing and dancing, somewhere out there Ronaldo is waiting to be found.
(GASPS) There he is! Oh, wait.
You said brown hair, right? What a charming neighborhood.
Mom, these are slums.
The government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldn't be offended.
Works for me.
Yeah.
Check out the rats.
(SQUEAKING) Ooh! They look like Skittles! LISA: Here we are! "123 Papaya Street.
" This is Ronaldo's orphanage.
(ALL LAUGHING) Excuse me.
We're looking for this little boy.
Ah, yes.
Ronaldo.
He went out months ago.
And we haven't heard from him since.
Every day we light a candle for him.
Have you tried looking for him? That's plan B.
We're never going to find him.
(SOBS) Now, Lisa, it's not as bleak as that.
Can you fly me over town to look for him? We nuns cannot fly.
Oh, too much junk in the trunk, eh? Yes.
Have some meat on a sword, Lisa.
It'll cheer you up.
You know I'm a vegetarian.
But you're on vacation, honey.
I'm not wearing my wedding ring.
Homer! Okay.
On this map I marked all the places that Ronaldo liked to go.
If we split up, we should be able to search them all.
(EXCLAIMS) We'll do our best.
Now, let's get going! (EXCLAIMS) Check, please.
Si! (MURMURING) Does that include tip? Si! Hey, look.
There's Copacabana beach! The heart and soul of Rio! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Excuse me, Americans! (GASPS) How did you know? There is a dress code on this beach.
But we can help you.
I feel so European.
Huh.
Mine keeps disappearing.
Oh, well.
Oh, I hope they're going somewhere good.
Okay, boy.
Let's strut our stuff.
(SINGING) I'm in Rio and I'm walking on the beach I'm in my Speedo (CHUCKLES) (EXCLAIMS) No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(GASPS) Excuse me.
We think this boy might be here.
Okay, this is a samba school.
This is not a lost and found.
This is where we invented the lambada and the macarena.
We are now developing our most powerful dance, the penetrada.
It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this.
You can't protect her forever! You stupid lady! Give me a drink with all your sweetest Brazilian fruits mixed together.
Here you go.
Sweet.
Sweet.
Sweet! (GAGGING) (PANTING) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) There's got to be a million kids here.
We'll never find Ronaldo.
Ronaldo? You know him? No, no.
I was just distracting you while my children robbed you.
(KIDS LAUGHING) (GASPING) Oh, look at all the stuffed coatimundi.
I bet Maggie would like one.
(SNARLING) (BOTH SCREAMING) I'll just get her this bracelet.
(HISSES) (MARGE GASPS) Everything here is something.
Hey, Bart.
How many more places do we have to search? Just one, and it's across town.
Taxi! My American friend, I'm afraid that this is a kidnapping.
So that means I don't have to pay the fare? I suppose Woo-hoo! I'm afraid you don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation.
Fine.
Take me, but let the boy go! I'm afraid he has already gone.
(GROANS) (MIAMI VICE THEME PLAYING) Where are you taking me? Shut up.
And take that stupid bag off your head.
No.
It smells like cinnamon.
Behold, the Amazon.
But quick because we're burning it down.
Listen, I really need a rest stop.
Again? I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
We just call them nuts here.
(LAUGHING) Suckers.
(HOMER SCREAMS) Suckers! (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) I guess planning a vacation around a missing kid is not the way to have fun.
Hey.
Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies.
Clockwise! Counter-clockwise.
(TURNS OFF TV) Where's your father? Kidnapped.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! What are we supposed to do? I don't know.
Wait for the call.
(TURNS ON TV) WOMAN ON TV: On top of.
Beneath.
On top of.
Beneath.
So, you want me to find your husband? Yes.
And you also want me to find a little boy? That's right.
I don't think there is a boy or a husband! I think you have a thing for me.
(GROANS) I've been shot! I am flattered, but I do not swing that way.
I have another itch.
Yeah, well, scratch it yourself.
I'm not going there again.
I have sent the ransom note.
If your family wants to see you alive again, they would be wise to pay.
I don't know.
They've been seeing me alive for free for a long time.
So, have you got the $50,000? Well, with all our savings and the money Grampa wired us, we have $1,200.
That's very nice, honey.
That'll buy you one of my legs or something they call a mystery bag.
I'll get back to you.
They have $1,200.
$1,200? (SCOFFS) You've already eaten that much.
Come on.
I didn't (MURMURING) Well, maybe.
Enough of your blarney! Get the money! (RINGING) Ahoy-hoy.
Mr.
Burns, it's Homer Simpson.
I've been kidnapped and I need $50,000.
Hmm.
Well, I'm high on sheep embryos, so I am feeling charitable.
How about I advance you the money and you work it off? No deal! (RINGING) Moe's Tavern.
Home of the stinkiest rag in America! Hey, Moe.
Homer, listen.
I need 50 grand.
Don't ask me why.
No, no.
I need 50 grand! I asked you first! Fine.
I'll send you 50 grand.
Thanks.
(RINGING) HOMER: Hello, Flanders.
I need 100 grand.
Well, I don't really have that much.
But if you need it that bad, you'll be in my prayers.
Go suck a Bible! (BOTH MURMUR ANGRILY) This is all my fault.
I came to find someone, but now I've just lost Dad and (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) What is that noise? That irritating, intoxicating music with a beat that sends your inhibitions packing? It's Carnival! (PEOPLE CHEERING) (LAUGHING) Oh, your father would've loved this.
The drunkenness, the ambiguous sexuality (GASPS) I've got to get out of here! You cannot run from Carnival! Because even running is a kind of dance! I am on fire, and I dance! I'll just dance and worry at the same time.
(MURMURS WORRIEDLY) Hey, look! It's the stripper from the kids' show.
She makes paying attention cool.
(GASPS) Lisa! Lisa! (SCREAMS) It's me, Ronaldo! Ronaldo! Yes.
I am Flamenco Flamingo.
And it all started with the dancing shoes you bought me.
Why didn't you tell me? I tried to write.
But I didn't know what state you lived in.
It's a bit of a mystery, yes.
But if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.
Oh, no! The parade, she starts.
Meet me at the estudio.
Where is it? That way! Here is the ransom for your father.
Are you sure you can afford it? I make as much as Malcolm in the Middle.
And because I have no parents, my earnings remain unstolen.
We're supposed to bring the ransom money to the top of Sugar Loaf Mountain.
The tension is killing me! How about this? (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) That's not tense enough.
It's making light of the situation.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Yup, that's it.
Just right.
That's the one.
Look, there's Dad! Listen, I made a little scrapbook to remember the kidnapping.
I'm still working on it.
But as you can see Look.
This is that cigarette butt you burned me with.
You slept like a baby that night.
(ALL LAUGHING) I remember that, yeah.
Homer, why are you laughing? He has the Stockholm syndrome.
(LAUGHS) He has come to identify with his captors.
They let me stay up all night! Well, you won't be doing that at home.
Now, hand over the money and you get your Homer back.
(LAUGHS) Look at all that pink and purple.
KIDNAPPER 2: Our money sure is gay.
You are free to go.
Woo-hoo! Piece of cake! (GRUNTING) (ALL SCREAMING) We should make these transfers in a safer place.
It was Homer's idea.
You say no to that face.
(ALL SCREAMING) (HOMER GROANING) Homie, are you okay? Yes, honey.
I'm better than okay.
Because I've learned that no matter how bad I screw up, you'll always bail me out.
Aw LISA: Mom? Dad? We better do something about this.
Don't be sad.
It's Carnival! (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) BART: Whoopee! English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Weekend at Burnsies
The Simpsons s13e16 Episode Script
Weekend at Burnsies
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) All right, family.
Who can guess what's different about dinner tonight? (EXCLAIMS INDIFFERENTLY) Same old garbage.
(ALL LAUGHING) This guy's always on! Oh, you two.
We're eating genetically modified vegetables.
Look how big they are! This corn doesn't look so big.
That's baby corn.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISBELIEF) What? American corporations should stop playing God with nature.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
They're all grown by the vegetable division of Union Carbide.
Mom, my potato is eating a carrot! That's it.
From now on, I'm growing all our vegetables myself.
(CAWING) Go away! Go away! What you doing, Mom? I've tried heckling them.
I've tried jeckling them.
It's time I made myself a scarecrow.
(GASPS) Go away! Go away! "in God, the Father Almighty "Creator of heaven and earth" Shoo! Shoo! (SCREAMING) "Heaven and earth" Where were we? Now I'm lost.
(CAWING) Yeah, I did it! Marge is in the house! I will be soon.
Because it needs some cleaning! (WHISTLING) Huh? (SHRIEKS) I'll regroup at Red Lobster.
(SHOUTING) You ain't pretty no more! (CAWING) Look.
I've made some friends.
Now, go do my bidding! Uh Whatever it may be.
(CAWING) So, Lisa says by killing their enemy I became the alpha crow.
I got to admit.
I'm kind of nervous here.
We haven't seen Barney since they enveloped him.
I'm sure he'll turn up.
Look, here's one of his buttons.
All right, that's it.
Get them out of here! This ain't no crow bar! This is a crow bar! See? They got the little stools and everything.
That's Russell Crow, Cameron Crow, Crow Diddley, Hume Crow-nyn, Gregory Peck.
Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
It's a murder, honey.
A group of crows is called a murder.
I'm sleeping on the couch.
(CHOKING) Drop it in! Don't cram it in! Forget it! I'll do it myself.
Aw, look.
Maggie wants to fly, too.
Hey! Cut it out! Put her down! (EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF) Thank God you're okay.
Okay, that was not cool.
We need to lay down some ground rules.
We'll get to that! Right now, I think we need some time apart! (CAWING ANGRILY) All right, that's it! Shoo, you stupid crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! (SCREAMING) That is not a worm! (SCREAMING) Ow! Ow! I hate getting stitches in my eyes! Stupid crows! Don't be mad at the crows, Homer.
They weren't trying to blind you.
They were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.
Mmm.
Fascinating.
Say, Doctor, can you do something about my searing pain? Well, there is a medication.
Although, it's a little controversial.
Does it go in the butt? I'm talking about medicinal marijuana.
Prescription pot.
Texas THC.
Look, man, I don't do drugs! Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic.
You're not afraid, are you? I had a bad experience with drugs.
('60s ROCK PLAYING) HOMER: It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school.
Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug.
Well, well.
If it isn't the Doobie Brothers.
Uh-oh.
Crotch the weed, man.
Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps? (SNIFFING) (SNARLS) (SCREAMS) For me, the '60s ended that day in 1978.
But, Homer, you can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.
But isn't marijuana, or "dope," illegal? Only for those who enjoy it.
Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state.
We'll also provide you with a prescription bong.
(CHUCKLES) Do you want the wizard or the skull? (SINGING) Occasions, persuasions clutter your mind Incense and peppermints, the color of time Okay, let's see.
"Toke as needed.
"Caution, objects may appear more edible than they actually are.
" (INCENSE AND PEPPERMINTS PLAYING) (SINGING) Incense, peppermints Incense, peppermints What's that billowing down the stairs? (GASPS) It's smoke! (SNIFFS) It smells like the art teacher's office.
HOMER: (SINGING) Smoke on the water Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Uh-oh.
Da-da-da-da-da! They burned down the gambling house It died with an awful sound I am hungry for a candy bar I think I'll eat a Mounds (GASPING) Homer! You're doing drugs! And now I'm guilty of possession! I could go to prison unless I testify against you.
Marge, it's making my eyes better.
And it's legal.
I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid, monkey face! And he'd just have to sit there grooving on it.
(SINGING) Color sky Havana lake Color sky rose carmethene Alizarian crimson Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Marge, I just realized I am the "ow" in the word "now.
" And if you tell anyone Honey, I like it when you call.
But we just talked five minutes ago.
(BEEPING ON THE LINE) Hang on, I've got call waiting.
Hello? HOMER: Hey, it's me.
I've got Marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out.
(GROANS) (PLAYING BLUES) (CHUCKLES) Dad, I thought you didn't like her saxophone.
I didn't.
But now, Daddy's special medicine, which you must never use because it will ruin your life, lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience.
Ever! Dad, it's 1:00 a.
m.
and I'm out of saliva! (SHUSHING) (GROANS) (PLAYING) HOMER: Wow.
That saxophone would make a great pipe.
(DOORBELL CHIMING) Hi-diddily-hey, Homer! Oh, my God! This dude does the best Flanders! You got the mustache and the "diddily!" Okay, now do Wiggum! (CHUCKLES) Homer, it's me.
Ned.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
The God dude.
Hey, I got a question for you.
"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot "that he himself could not eat it?" (SIGHS) Well, sir, of course he could.
But then again, wow, as melon-scratchers go, that's a honey-doodle.
Now you know what I've been going through.
Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.
Mmm.
Oh, man, this is long.
Could you read it to me? (GASPS IN DELIGHT) I guess that could be arranged.
"The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people.
The end.
" Wow.
Wow.
God does so much for me and he doesn't ask anything in return.
Well, I know he's wishing you'd sign his petition to re-criminalize medicinal marijuana.
Done and done! Now do Wiggum! Well, okay.
I guess it would go something like this.
(IMITATING WIGGUM) All right, Simpson, you're under arrest, see? I said Wiggum! "And so, potential investors, I hope you don't think our IPO is an IPU.
" (CHUCKLES) Then I hold my nose thusly.
What do you think, Smithers? Bit of a downer, sir.
Well, I hope the investors like it.
I have to raise $60 million or we're out of business! Why is that, sir? I told you, I pissed it away! Don't make that face.
Yes, that's the one.
Smithers, I need someone who laughs at all my jokes.
You know, honest feedback.
Oops! I thought this was the can, man.
(LAUGHING) Well, you're a happy Homer.
What's your name, young man? You just said it! (LAUGHING) Well, if you like that, listen to this.
Working hard or hardly working? (GUFFAWING) Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.
Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
No, Smithers.
I would've said anything to get your stem cells.
Now, welcome aboard! You're covered with a very fine fuzz.
(CHUCKLING) "Hardly working.
" Where did you get that suit? Whoa, whoa! One question at a time! Yes, you? Look, I'm really starting to worry.
There's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere.
We're all out of paper clips.
And the curtains smell like doob.
Oh, yeah? Well, I got news for you! I just got promoted, and it's all thanks to "Yes-I-cannabis!" (SCOFFS) We have a kitchen? (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) WOMAN ON TV: Now, where are those three chandelier-hangers I hired? (GLASS SHATTERING) MAN: You mutton heads! This is why we can never hold down a job.
(LAUGHING) Look at Shemp.
He is so high! Hey, "Shemp" is "hemp" spelled backwards.
And "Otto" is "Otto" backwards! Now, I'm scared.
Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes? As soon as I graduate, I am so out of here! KENT ON NEWS: This just in.
The Marijuana Re-Criminalization Initiative took another step forward today as supporters collected the final signatures required to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election.
We got to get out and stop that initiative! Marge, I'm gonna need No guac in mine.
Good night, Homer.
Dude, your mom is hot.
Don't encroach on our roach! Don't encroach on our roach! (SINGING) You've got to run like an antelope out of control (MUSIC STOPS) (PEOPLE MURMURING) Okay, okay.
Hold on.
Hold on.
(SNIFFS) I smell marijuana smoke.
That better be medicinal! If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are out of here! We can wait all night, people.
Here we go.
(MUMBLES GRAVELY) Whoa! This guy is seriously ill.
My doctor never told me that.
I had to hear it from Phish.
(SINGING) A one, a-two, a you-know-what-to-do Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run You've got to run like an antelope out of control Thank you.
And now, a man who's a real pothead.
I'm sorry.
"Pothead.
" Homer Simpson! (PEOPLE CHEERING) Good afternoon.
I want to thank you all for coming down here, taking time off from your jobs.
Jobs? What? Jobs Because we need to keep medical marijuana legal! (ALL CHEERING) Whether you suffer from glaucoma or you just rented The Matrix, medical marijuana can make things fabulous, medically.
(CHEERING) So, my mellow fellow citizens, when you go into that voting booth on Tuesday, the seventh (PEOPLE MURMURING) Uh, Homer, that was yesterday.
Oh, man! They already voted! And we lost! (DISAPPOINTED SIGHS) Oh, man! I can't believe we spaced on the date! What are we gonna do? Well, we can't just stand here staring at our hands, although Wow! That's right! I married that chick.
They call them fingers, but I never see them fing.
Oh, there they go.
There we go.
Dump all that medical marijuana on there.
(ALL SNIFFING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Actually, that smoke is a little too inviting.
Throw on that sack of barber hair.
(ALL COUGHING) I could've smoked that pot and worn that hair.
Homie, you don't need drugs anymore.
Your eyes are all better.
Eyes? What the hell are you talking about? I want my old dad back.
The one who was yelling all the time and You know, I'm not really sure what I want.
Homer, it's over.
I want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs again.
All right, I'll do it for my kids.
As long as you're doing things for me, would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house? Never! Yeah, I can still crash here, right? Get out.
Remember when I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Get out.
(SIGHS DESPONDENTLY) What's the matter, Homer? You're drunk.
But you're not like sloppy drunk.
Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds.
Look, I'm really glad you're off the wacky-tobacky.
Yeah.
You were getting all spacey and everything.
We were gonna have an intervention.
Yeah.
But at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning.
I nearly died.
(LAUGHING) I was already making excuses not to go to your funeral.
It's been three days, and my mind is clearer.
My sperm count is up, and I'm able to recognize simple shapes and patterns.
Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Unregardless, I will no longer be a slave to this! Why are you keeping that thing? As a reminder, Marge.
(RINGING) Yello.
Ahoy-hoy, Executive V.
P.
I'm putting the final touches on my speech to the investors.
And I need your generous guffaws.
But I can't find you funny anymore.
I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now, we're ordering out.
What would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese? What do you take me for? Lorenzo de' Medici? See you soon.
Don't worry, Homie.
You don't need Mary Jane to laugh at Mr.
Burns' jokes.
Just picture him naked.
(SHRIEKS) Or With a funny hat on! (SCREAMING) "So, profit margins will be thinner (CHUCKLING) "than Louise Brooks' negligee.
" You know, Louise Brooks, the silent star of Lulu.
(WHISPERING) One of us has got to start laughing.
If Mr.
Burns gets flop sweat, he'll die of dehydration.
I'm drenched with sweat.
I'm going to take a bathiola.
When I come back, you'd better be laughing.
This stuff can make anything funny, even that show that follows Friends.
But I promised my family I wouldn't smoke it anymore.
Well, I've got to do something.
Start inhaling, Waylon.
This suit used to belong to Judy Garland.
We could sing a song if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney.
You mean that guy on 60 Minutes who yells all the time? Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr.
Burns has been in the tub for an hour! (SCREAMING) Oh, Mr.
Burns! You were too beautiful for this world.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
We killed Mr.
Burns! Mr.
Burns is gonna be so mad! The investors meeting is in 20 minutes! So what? Mr.
Burns is dead! We can carry on.
Michael Eisner's been dead for five years.
Ted Turner's just a hologram.
Now, we got to think.
So, when somebody says I was an embarrassment to the country, I say, "It depends on what the meaning of 'was' is, jerk!" (CHUCKLING) You owe me $200,000.
Good night, everybody! Bill Clinton, everyone! He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude! And now, a man you will see is definitely not dead, Mr.
Montgomery Burns! (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Mr.
Burns, as we're running long, may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions? Mr.
Burns, a two-part question.
One, when will you see a profit again? And two, what's that red stuff coming out of your ear? Mr.
Burns, may I field that one? It's true we're losing money.
But there's no reason we can't dance, dance, dance the night away! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (AUDIENCE GASPING) Mr.
Burns has left the building! ALL: We are mollified! We are mollified! Brilliant.
We lost $60 million and they're cheering for more.
(GASPS) Mr.
Burns, you're alive! Yes.
I regained consciousness during my big dance number.
Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber.
And you wanted to take him to the hospital! Oh, and you didn't? Well, the worm has finally shown its fangs! Smithers, make me slap him! You call that a slap? Make me slap you.
Now, both.
Now, just you.
Now, give me a taste.
Now, both again.
MR.
BURNS: Now, all three.
(SLAPPING SOUNDS) Excellent.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Gump Roast
The Simpsons s13e17 Episode Script
Gump Roast
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (RINGING) Hey.
(SCREAMING IN PAIN) (SCREAMING IN PAIN) Want a chocolate? Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters.
Oh, behave! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) "Luke, I am your father.
" (LAUGHING) "Shagadellic.
" What are you doing here anyway? Waiting for my wife.
She has a surprise for me.
Hey, hey, hey.
I didn't ask for your life story.
Did you say life story? Things started out great.
I ate what my mother ate.
And my mother loved chili.
Then suddenly (SCREAMING) Let go! Let go! Wow.
Tell me some more.
Don't you have criminals to catch? Hey, I'm working on it.
We We got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the mob.
Oh, there he is now.
Hey, Pete! Pete! They fixed the Coke machine! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Now where were we? My father and I were never really close.
"Jack and Jill went up the hill and "Jill came tumbling after.
The end.
" Good night.
Is that the same Jack from Jack And The Beanstalk? You know, Son, I believe it is.
And Jack Sprat, is that him, too? Say, how about a little NyQuil? All gone.
Hmm.
I never found true happiness until I met Marge.
Excuse me.
Is this Room 106? Hey, who's that? I I don't know.
(CLOSE TO YOU PLAYING) Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near? Just like me they long to be Hi.
Would you like to go She's mine! HOMER: We'd do everything together.
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING) Ooh! (SHOUTING IN FEAR) (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) Wow.
A '50s nostalgia cafe.
(LAUGHING) Well, well, well! I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life.
You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! HOMER: And life just gets more exciting.
Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.
We've gotta get home before someone sees us.
You know, all this danger is kind of a turn Okay.
Then came the day that changes every couple forever.
The day we got our elephant.
(YAWNING) (GASPING) (GASPING) (EXCLAIMING) (TRUMPETING) (ELEPHANT TRUMPETING) While I wait for my family, I'll tell you about the time my baby shot my boss.
Hey, that's great, but I gotta get going.
Whoa! There's a whole 'nother row of these bad boys! Keep talking.
It's time for your surprise, Dad.
Yeah.
Hop in, Homer.
Ah.
The family car.
We've been through a lot together.
(CLANKING) (TRUCK HONKING) Get off the road, you freaking maniac! Yeah, you jackass! Homer, maybe I should drive.
What? I can see fine.
(CARS HONKING) (EXCLAIMING) (KIDS SCREAMING) HOMER: That had nothing to do with the bucket.
Homer, you genius! Geronimo! Huh? (SCREAMING) Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
(GASPING) All my other senses are getting sharper.
(SNIFFING) Bart, you had pizza for lunch.
(SNIFFING) Lisa, you're extremely depressed.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) As if.
Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice? Kathleen Turner! (PURRING) No! It's me, Krusty! And you're at the Springfield Friars Club where tonight we're roasting you, Homer Simpson! (ALL CHEERING) Are the proceeds going to charity? (SCOFFING) Hell, no! Whoo-hoo! We're all here tonight for one reason.
To keep Homer away from the buffet! (LAUGHING) Excellent.
(GASPING) That was at my expense! What kind of a roast is this? Now I'd like to read some telegrams from people who couldn't make it.
First we have Mark Spitz.
Who's Mark Spitz? What's a telegram? Oh, forget it! I gotta get to the hot wings before the Comic Book Guy.
"You know, Lisa.
They say father knows best.
" "That's true, Bart.
" (READING) (LAUGHING) Excellent.
But seriously, we've had a lot of fun with our dad over the years.
(RINGING DOORBELL) (SINGING) Joy to the world, the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King Let every Season's greetings.
Peace out.
(RINGING DOORBELL) (SINGING) Silent night (GLASS BREAKING) Holy night (HOMER YELLING) (SINGING LOUDLY) AII is calm (DOG GROWLING) All is bright HOMER: Oh, that hurts! (SNORING) BOTH: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! If I take you, will you two shut up and quit bugging me? Yeah.
Well Of course.
BOTH: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? Yes! Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? (EXCLAIMING) Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the All right.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up.
And it has.
(ALL LAUGHING) But it's all worth it just to hear him sing.
(SINGING) Shaving my shoulders I'm getting it all shaved off Max Power, he's the man whose name you'd love to touch But you mustn't touch His name sounds good in your ear But when you say it, you mustn't fear 'Cause his name can be said by anyone Max Power! I like pizza, I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture.
I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer (SCATTING) Who's that baby deer on the lawn Enough already! Dancing away my hunger pangs Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way And now our next speaker is Mr.
Warmth himself, C.
Montgomery Burns! I stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude of Homer J.
Simpson.
(GASPING) Again and again he's brought this town to the brink of annihilation.
(ALL LAUGHING) Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children! (ALL LAUGHING) Just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery.
(LAUGHING) Poop.
LENNY: Get ready, everybody.
He's about to do something stupid.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.
Now if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about (SPARKING) (ALL LAUGHING) (ALARM RINGING) (ALL SCREAMING) Get out of my way! Fire, fire, fire, fire Here comes one of our fellows now.
I think I won, Mr.
Burns.
Now here's a couple that's been dating.
Carbon dating! Grampa Simpson and Agnes Skinner! (ALL APPLAUDING) Sweet Toledo! What's keeping that dress on? The collective will of everyone in this room! (LAUGHING) Excellent.
You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me! I first met Homer in 1927 in a bar in Brooklyn.
Little did I know he would soon become Mrs.
Joe DiMaggio and (SNORING) Roll the clips! Uh-oh.
Okay, don't panic.
Remember what the instructor said.
If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
(EXCLAIMING) Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My legs! This is the worst pain ever! (EXCLAIMING) Single.
(LAUGHING) How's he doing? I don't know.
I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.
Faster, Marge! Faster! The snapping turtles are massing! Heads up! Coming through! Look out! Hey, volleyball! Can I play later? Hi, Apu.
Oh, dear! You have ruined my work, you flying fat man! (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) Hey! (SIGHING IN RELIEF) Step on it, Mom! Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher! HOMER: Higher.
Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higher! I'm soaring! Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft.
Higher, Marge! Higher! It won't go any Higher, I say! I want to soar higher than any man has ever soared! I want to look down on the clouds with contempt! I want to sneer at God's creation and spit on his Uh-oh.
Lower! Lower! There goes my turn.
Hey, Abe, you want to hook up after the show? Yeah! To a suicide machine! (LAUGHING) Now everyone knows Homer loves his family.
I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies! It's always secrets and lies! Homer, these people are professional roasters.
Don't give them fodder.
(SNORING) (MARGE GROANING) Secrets and lies! Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders! Thank you so much.
(SINGING) The Camptown ladies sing this song (SCATTING) Homer Simpson's breath is strong (SCATTING) Hey, hey! Now hold on there.
The nice people want to hear the real words.
But, Ned, I was singing the real words.
Oh, let's just take it from the top.
The Camptown ladies sing this song (SCATTING) The Camptown racetrack's five miles long That's better.
Homer's breath smells bad Oh, those are not the words! Silence! Cease all quips and comebacks! Look! You weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show! (SCREAMING) This can't be good for my pacemaker.
(ALL GASPING) What are you doing here? Our planet has been observing your puny species since your planet was created 5,000 years ago by God.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
And now humanity must be judged! The fate of your planet rests on one human being, Homer Simpson! Why him? Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy.
Yep! Word for word.
Okay, let's see what we've got.
It has to be on Channel 3.
Yes, yes.
Oh, yeah.
That's a fine-looking D'oh! Okay, no big deal.
(SHRIEKING) Stupid Lisa! You gotta build fast.
Cement drying! All right, let's see.
English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le grill! What the hell is that? (STUTTERING) Come on, fit, you! (HOMER SIGHING) Yeah.
That's one fine-looking barbecue pit.
Why doesn't mine look like that? (SCREAMING) Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? (SCREAMING) How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done.
(SCREECHING) Yeah.
He's done.
Why you little (GRUNTING) DOCTOR: Better or worse? HOMER: Worse! DOCTOR: Better or worse? HOMER: Much better! Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! Ow! (BOTH PANTING) I'll mace you good! (SCREAMING) Your species is brutish and primitive! Do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet? Wait! What about Maggie's memories? Surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind! (LAUGHING) Sure, let's give it a shot.
Oh, there's my sweet little Maggie.
Oh, Maggie.
You're a Simpson again.
(BURPING) You know, Maggie.
The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back.
I hope you never say a word.
Daddy.
(SOBBING) It worked, Mom! Maggie's memories have shown them humanity's inner goodness! These are not tears! We are vomiting from our eyes! Your baby's treacle has only intensified our loathing! Wait! Look at the screen! The baby continues to reminisce.
(EXCLAIMING) Elton John! That's my name.
Well, not really.
Stephen Hawking! Stephen Hawking! Hi.
I'm Ron Howard.
(GASPING) Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin.
Wait a minute.
Xena can't fly.
I told you, I'm not Xena.
I'm Lucy Lawless.
Oh.
Wow, Joe Namath! That's right.
My car broke down in front of your house.
NSYNC MEMBER: Yo, dudes! Awesome show! (GASPING) It's *NSYNC! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Word! This child thinks of nothing but trendy Hollywood celebrities.
We can learn much from this innocent one.
Like Justin Timberlake's home phone number.
So I guess you can't destroy Earth, since so many of your favorite celebrities live and work here.
We will not destroy the Earth! On one condition.
You name it.
I can't believe we're going to the People's Choice Awards! And tomorrow, the Daytime Emmys.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Oh, it's Burt Reynolds and Michael Jeter! Could an Evening Shade reunion be in the works? (GASPING) There's Shannen Doherty.
Didn't you have a thing with her? Don't go there.
MAN: (SINGING) Ullman shorts, Christmas show Marge's fling, Homer's bro Bart in well, Flanders fails Whacking snakes, monorail Mr.
Plow, Homer space Sideshow Bob steps on rakes Lisa's future, Selma's hubby Marge not proud, Homer chubby Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA Hippies, Vegas, and Japan Octuplets and Bart's boy band Marge murmurs, Maude croaks Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes Maggie blows Burns away What else do I have to say? They'll never stop the Simpsons Have no fears We've got stories for years Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear? Or how about a crazy wedding where something happens and (SCATTING) Sorry for the clip show Have no fears We've got stories for years
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  I am Furious Yellow
The Simpsons s13e18 Episode Script
I am Furious Yellow
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) My brain! Welcome to Career Day.
Here to tell to you about his job is Bart's friend's dad, Kirk Van Houten.
How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? Are you the guy that puts them there? No.
I'm his assistant.
But one time he was sick and he let me do it.
I totally screwed it up.
(STAMMERING) That's it.
I see.
Well, we still have 56 minutes left.
Any questions? (STUDENT COUGHS) Do you know Mom's getting re-married? What? But she I think we should probably talk about that later, Son.
No.
You might as well talk about it now.
That was one lousy Career Day.
If we can't get better speakers, we'll have to go back to teaching.
And I can't stare at those lifeless fisheyes anymore! As head of the Student Activities Committee, I have an idea.
I was wondering what she was doing here.
The speakers are poor because we're letting just anybody do it.
Groundskeeper Willie, Groundskeeper Willie's enemy, Seamus.
Yes.
Seamus.
Ninety minutes of watching a man drink in a bathtub.
Well, I think we should try the Springfield Speakers Bureau.
Good idea.
Seamus, we won't need you to speak anymore.
What? This is your doing, Willie! I'll turn your groin to pudding! You speak like a poet, but you punch like one, too! (BOTH GRUNTING) You bastard! Wow.
Walter Mondale, Marvin Hamlisch, Mark Fuhrman.
(GASPS) The former president of Procter & Gamble! We have a special this month.
Mr.
Blackwell debates Mr.
T.
Oh, please.
I've seen nicer chains on a set of snow tires.
I pity the fool who derives self-esteem from mocking other people's clothes.
I hate myself.
Ooh! Here's a wonderful speaker, Geoff Jenkins! Who? He created a cartoon called Danger Dog.
It's popular with kids and adults.
Yes.
Fine.
He'll do.
Anything to end this unstructured conversation.
And in a gutless act of political correctness, Pizza Day will now be known as Italian-American Sauce Bread Day.
Now that's sensitivity.
Right, Giuseppe? (CHATTERING) Giuseppe is such a happy monkey.
And now, today's guest speaker, the creator of Danger Dog, Geoff Jenkins! STUDENTS: Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Thanks, kids.
Next month we'll be airing the Danger Dog Easter Special.
Would anyone like to see a sneak preview? STUDENTS: Yeah! Danger Dog, Neuterville needs you! I hope this is important.
I've got a hot date tonight.
With Sarah Jessica Barker.
Nice.
Anyway, your archenemy, Molly Ringworm, has threatened to destroy the city with her puke ray.
The mayor's barf is worse than his bite.
Le mot juste.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING) If you freeze the frame, you can see that the chunks of barf are actually pictures of our animators and their friends.
Are there any questions? Here! Right here! Hello! Yes, you.
What state does Danger Dog live in? Michigan.
Next.
Why does Danger Dog mean more to me than school or church? Because those things suck.
(CHEERING) (STUTTERS) I have a question, Mr.
Jenkins.
Could you tell us about all the hard work and buckling down that you put into every cartoon? Are you kidding? This is the easiest job in the world.
I spend most of my time eating candy and going to R-rated movies.
Wow.
Cool.
Wow.
(STUTTERING) Well, then, tell the children how hard you studied in school to get where you are today.
Studied? Kids, all I ever did was sit in class and doodle.
Like this one.
It's what your principal would look like as a woman.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING) (FIRE ALARM RINGING) Fire, children! Hurry outside! There's no time to let today's lecture sink in! (CHILDREN MURMURING) Why'd you do that? I won't stand by while you're glamorizing sass.
Now those youngsters will throw their lives away, drawing things that never were.
I'm coming up with my own cartoon character.
He's called Danger Cat.
Mine's called Trouble Dog.
I'm called Ralph.
Mine is Danger Dude.
But he's a dog.
BART: (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm my own toughest critic, but I think it's genius.
Now, to sell it for millions.
This comic strip is lame and derivative.
MAN: I'll be the judge of that! Oh (GASPS) Stan Lee? Creator of Marvel Comics? Greetings, true believers.
My heart is pounding like Thor's hammer on Dr.
Doom's titanium-infused faceplate! Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? The term is "courting.
" The restraining order says, "No, no.
" But her eyes say, "Yes, yes.
" Let's see what you've got, son.
(GASPS) My Spidey sense is tingling.
It's that good? Did I say "Spidey"? I meant stinky.
'Nuff said.
What did I do wrong? I don't know.
Try everything.
Now hold on, Comic Book Guy.
This boy's still finding his voice.
So, you're saying I should keep trying? Absolutely.
And if you fail, you can always open a comic book store.
Stan Lee insulted me.
But in Bizarro World, that means he likes me.
I just need one great idea.
Batman! It's been done.
Green Lantern.
No.
I like Little Dot.
Could you rip that off? I mean, who's gonna know? I'd know, Mom! That little girl sure loved dots.
Hmm.
All I need is one classic character.
(HOMER GRUMBLING) Stupid lawn chair! Come on! Unfold, you (SCREAMS) Ow! D'oh! Hey! HOMER: This'll teach that stupid chair! (SCREAMS) I'm on fire! (SCREAMING) I hope no one's drawing this! Hey, always drawing your old man, huh? You must think I'm the greatest dad in the world.
(GASPS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Lousy minor setback! This world sucks! MAN: Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding? I hate them so much! (BART CHUCKLES) ANNOUNCER: Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk Mmm! (LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) Oh, I've been there, man.
ANNOUNCER: has been canceled.
(EXCLAIMS) Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.
(SHRIEKS) My ice cream sandwich! Then where the hell's the remote? Why do people keep moving it? Stupid This is perfect.
A couple of stink lines around his butt, and I'm done.
Angry Dad rocks! (HUMMING GUITAR RIFF) "Argh! I'm angry.
" That's like something my dads would say.
Simpson, you've created a timeless comic character.
Thanks, guys.
Will you sign Martin's cast? What cast? Ow! I won't be swimming this summer.
Bart, this is just Dad.
It's a composite character.
Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad.
No.
It's just Dad.
Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick, Know-It-All Sister! Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene? (GIGGLES) Your penciling is sub-Ziggy and the main character is off-model in every frame.
However, I deem this rack-worthy.
Wow, I made it! My week-long dream has come true! Hold it, son.
Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure? But only Batman fits in my Batmobile.
Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly.
Look.
He's fitting right now.
(GRUNTING) Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left.
And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.
(CRYING) You broke my Batmobile! Broke? Or made it better? (HUMS SPIDERMAN THEME) Now I can't stand in line anymore.
Bart Simpson, creative genius? What's it to you? I'm from the Internet.
We'd like to turn Angry Dad into an animated series.
Wow! Angry Dad, an Internet cartoon! I'll be in cyberspace next to the Nabisco Cookie Web site! Hey, Soul Patch, you cut the line! (GROANS) Here's my card.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Whoa! This is people working? This is great.
Hey, Bart.
Care for a children's cappuccino? What up, man? This is my manager/sister, Lisa.
What up? Everyone here loves Angry Dad.
It's just what we've been looking for.
So, what do you want to do with it? Bart, I'm not a woman and I can't have babies.
But I can give life to animated Internet cartoons.
Let me show you one of our hottest shows, Bin Laden in a Blender.
(MUMBLING) (SCREAMING) Well, it delivers what it promises.
Now, Bart, we can't pay you a salary.
But we can give you stock.
How is your company gonna make money? Do you have a business model? How many shares of stock will it take to end this conversation? Two million.
It is done.
Now, let's watch another of our great cartoons, Lou Rawls, Secret Agent.
(SINGING) You'll never find that microfilm of mine Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad.
Okay.
Let's hear it.
Well, I was thinking of something like, (IN HOMER'S VOICE) "I'm a big fat idiot!" Wow! I think we have our Angry Dad.
Woo-hoo! When do I get paid? In 2012.
D'oh! INTERNET MAN: Now, we just add color.
In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web.
I can't wait that long.
To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.
(SCREAMING) That's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this.
Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.
WOMAN: Susan Anton? No, the lemur! (WORKERS LAUGHING) Oh, what a day.
Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.
That's opinion, not news! (GRUNTING) (LAUGHING) That guy's hilarious.
I especially like his white shirt and blue pants.
Wait a second.
Angry Dad is me.
Yeah.
Didn't you know? You've been world-famous for an hour now.
You're the Internet's number one non-porno site.
Which makes you ten-trillionth overall.
What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this? BART: This has been a Bart-toon presentation.
In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.
(SCREAMS) Why that little (SCREAMING) Stupid Bart-toon.
(LAUGHING) Bart-toon, that's clever.
I'm gonna kill him.
Look, it's Internet buffoon, Angry Dad.
Let's send him into one of his trademark fits.
Hey, come on! Make your eyes explode.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Stop it! The more you rock, the angrier I get! You heard the freak.
Leave me alone! (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Look at me.
I'm Angry Dad! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) This job sure is easy.
Now, to press this button.
(EXPLOSION) Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.
HOMER: Die, monster! Homer, what are you doing? We're just rehearsing for Angry Dad: The Motion Picture.
How'd you like to be played by John Goodman? That's so obvious.
It should be Gary Oldman.
Dad, I'm no fan of Bart's cartoon, but you have a real problem with anger.
I'm just passionate.
Like all us Greeks.
No, you're angry.
Look, you're punching the cat right now.
I am Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic.
(SOBBING) I just can't live without rage-ahol! Congratulations, Dad.
The first step is admitting it.
Is it also the last step? No.
The last step is quitting.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) Very well.
I'm not gonna be Angry Dad for one day longer! I'm giving up anger forever! If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods.
I said anger! (HUMMING) Did it again.
(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING) Where the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer, what's going on? I gave up anger forever.
From now on, I'm into candles, soft music, and horse tranquilizers.
(EXCLAIMS) (MUMBLING) (INHALES DEEPLY) Nothing can make me mad out here.
(WHISTLING) PAPERBOY: Paperboy! MILKMAN: Milkman! (BOTTLE SHATTERING) PIANO LADY: Piano lady! (EXCLAIMS) Must suppress rage.
(GROANS) Huh? (WHISTLING) Come on, Angry Dad, get angry! Don't make me do a clip show! Hello there, Flan-diddily-danders.
Hey, Homer.
I've been singing your praises all day.
Marge said we could have choir practice in your house tonight.
(GROANS) Here's a preview.
(SINGING) God said to Noah build yourself an arky-arky Animals came on by onesies and twosies-twosies Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies (GRUNTING) This little trap is gonna make my dad angrier than he's ever been.
In the meantime, I got to tell those Internet guys to hold tight.
Can I come, too? Good idea.
You can speak nerd to them.
I'm not a nerd, Bart.
Nerds are smart.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! What happened? They went belly up like all the other Internet companies.
Looks like the bubble burst.
Bubbles can burst? Yeah, but it's a golden age for the repo business.
One that shall never end.
Bart, it's over.
Ow! What do you mean, "It's over"? We're bankrupt.
The stock is at zero.
But I have What's 52 million times zero? And don't tell me it's zero! Bart, it's not about how much stock you have.
It's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with! Looks like you can't retire by age 12.
Yeah.
But at least now that my show's canceled, I don't need material.
So there's no need to lure my dad into the trap I set for him.
(GASPS) The trap! (SINGING) They call me mellow yellow, quite rightly This fellow never bellows, quite rightly Mmm.
This looks suspicious.
But delicious! (EXCLAIMS) Cacti! (SCREAMING) Dirty diapers on strings! (GROANS) Time to put this ordeal behind me.
(ROARING) Homer mad! Thank God his pants stayed on.
(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY) Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk! He can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk! (GROWLING) Please.
You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.
Come on, damn it! Change! (GRUNTING) Forget it.
(GRUNTING) I really did it once.
Yes, yes.
I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
(STAN LEE GRUNTING) JEFF: You almost had it there.
(GROANING) Bart, your prank cost $10 million in damages! I know.
I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? Saving your father's life? What? What? It's true.
You see, these boils on Homer's neck are pent up rage.
If Bart's trap hadn't set Homer off, the anger would've overwhelmed Homer's system.
You mean I shouldn't punish Bart at all? Why, if anything, he should punish you.
Huh? Okay.
Well, Son, I want to show you how grateful I am.
Let's go fishing.
Who knew that anger was saving my life? (CHUCKLES) Say it, don't spray it.
You're trying to get me angry! Thank you.
You're not welcome.
D'oh! I love you, boy.
Ha-ha! You love a boy! Stop it now! (BART CHUCKLING) BART: If you love me so much, why don't you marry me? (LAUGHING) That's a good one.
English - US - PSDH
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  The Sweetest Apu
The Simpsons s13e19 Episode Script
The Sweetest Apu
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (CHILDREN CLAMORING) Manjula, why did you bring the octuplets to work? This is supposed to be our special time together.
Some special time.
I get to stand around watching you sell fatty poisons to overfed Americans.
You'd think that would deter me, but no.
Look.
Please, can you just take the children home? The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move.
Look.
(WHISTLING) Come on.
All right.
Let's go, children.
Cleanup in all the aisles.
(GROANING) Welcome, steady customer.
I see you are ready for the Civil War reenactment.
I need some supplies.
A keg of beer and a six-pack to hold me until I tap the keg.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War reenactment, we need lots of Indians to shoot.
I don't know which part of that sentence to correct first.
But I cannot come.
I work 22 hours a day and then I go home to a wife who will not touch me.
The Indian rope trick has become the Indian nope trick.
(EXCLAIMING) (GASPING) The Squishee Lady! Oh, my God.
I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavor? Go ahead.
Grape.
Mmm.
Hello, Annette.
How's life, handsome? Oh, take a penny, leave a penny.
Hey, she called me "handsome.
" She likes you.
Put in a good word for grape.
Come on, guys! We're gonna be late! Okay, okay.
Don't go Mary Todd on us.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Come on, Barney.
If you're gonna be General Grant, you have to have a drink.
Yeah, but I'm a recovering alcoholic, so One drink won't hurt.
(EXCLAIMING) Hey, you're right.
I was afraid it would start me drinking again, but it didn't! Mmm-hmm.
The second battle of Springfield was fought by the North, the South, and the East (MEN MURMURING) to keep Springfield in, out of, and next to the Union, respectively.
Now, the actual battle was fought over there where that man is standing, but he won't move, so we'll do it here.
Very good.
And now, let the battle be joined.
(PEOPLE YELLING) Bang, bang.
Pow, pow.
Hit with stick.
Hit with stick.
Die, you bastard.
(NEIGHING) Whoa.
Whoa, damn it.
For me, the war is over! This battlefield is rife with inaccuracy.
You, dead people, stop playing cards! And Stonewall Jackson, stop rollerblading! (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (EXCLAIMING) The South will boogie again! (GRUNTING) This was supposed to be a mock battle! Mock! Don't worry.
I'm just gonna drain the area around your wound.
So cold.
So cold.
(GUNS FIRING) (GUNS FIRING) BROKAW: We are gathered here this Memorial Day to once again honor you World War II veterans.
Truly, you are the greatest generation.
Keep it coming, Brokaw! Lauding your legacy is a labor of love.
You're damn right, it is! You can't thank us enough! Every generation stinks but ours! (PEOPLE HOOTING) Uh-oh.
Sounds like America's enemies are at it again.
Greatest generation to the rescue! And when I come back, I want a foot rub! Yes, master.
General, I hereby surrender.
Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumbass! (PEOPLE YELLING) Reinforcements! (ALL CHEERING) Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.
Well, then you're definitely not going to like my steam-powered super spider.
With the stepping and the squishing and the webs made of nylon.
FRINK: The nylon has been released! Now, you just take the kids home.
I've gotta return this keg.
Are you sure you can get your deposit back? It's in pretty bad shape.
Why do you always take the side of local merchants? Now, Apu, when you gave me this keg, it had dents.
And here's proof.
Hey.
Apu? (WOMAN GIGGLING) (MUTTERING) That giggle is none of my business, or is it? (WOMAN MOANING) APU: Squishee Lady, you've had less than eight kids, haven't you? Haven't you? (APU AND ANNETTE GIGGLING) (GROANING) (APU AND ANNETTE MOANING) Please do the Hindu that you do so well.
(CHUCKLING) Avert your eyes, eunuch.
(BOTH MOANING) (SCREAMING) What's a eunuch? "Unique Unite" (SCREAMING) Homie, what's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing.
There's nothing eating me up inside.
Oh.
It must be something big.
Hmm.
Something you did? No! Something you saw? (GASPING) Apu is having an affair? I know.
Can you believe it? Oh, Manjula's just gonna die! How did you find out? In my role as customer, I saw the whole thing.
Oh, this is so awkward.
Today's the day we play badminton with them.
Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Oh, Apu, you keep scoring while my back is turned.
(BOTH GROANING) Are you sure you're not cheating? (GROANING) Now, Manjula, do you want me to find another partner? No! No, no, let's just keep playing.
What's the score? Dirty love.
I mean 30-love! I mean, anyone for penis? (GROANING) I'll just get the shuttlecock.
Oh! (CRYING) Here, guys.
Why don't we play this? (ETHNIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING GIBBERISH) Marge, why are you crying? You're not in any physical pain, the only kind of pain a man can understand.
We have to do something to save that marriage.
(SIGHING) Maybe I should just tell Manjula.
Or you could talk to Apu.
He already knows.
Let's tell Krusty.
What would that accomplish? That guy's hilarious.
His reaction would be priceless.
HOMER: Apu is cheating.
That's sad.
All those kids.
I think he's building to something.
So anyway, if you take that bottle down and pass it around I know.
I know.
There will be 47 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yes.
Homer, you did not bring me here for this.
What is it that you want to tell me? Okay.
This isn't easy, so I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Let's say this pepper got married to this salt shaker, and along comes sexy Mrs.
Dash.
Homie, it's Have you told him yet? A girl in the bar! What do we do? Watch and learn, you dinks.
Ma'am.
Is there something you want to tell me? I saw you and that Squishee Lady canoodling like junkyard rabbits! (EXCLAIMING) It's true.
It only happened once, but I am so ashamed.
I am scum.
(CRYING) Yes, you are scum.
What do you think I should do? Tell that woman it's over between you and her.
Yes.
First thing in the morning, I promise.
Hey, Marge, you care for a tropical drink? Sure.
(SNIFFING) Is that Windex? It's Windelle.
I can't afford Windex.
(SIGHING) Okay, Apu, be strong.
Before you measure my syrup levels, I must talk to you.
While you talk, I'm just gonna help myself to some licorice rope.
As much as I enjoy your company, and I truly do, I must insist that from this point forward, we not Oh, my goodness! What are you doing? (GROANING) Whoa, ha-mahatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama.
Not tonight.
I said not tonight.
Wait, something's wrong.
Why aren't you pressuring me for sex? Oh, I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you.
Okay, Buster, what is going on? Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? I am so angry, I could just, I could fall asleep! I (SNORING) completely innocent.
(GASPING) Apu! Come here a moment! This better be good because you are interrupting my faithfulness Oh, boy.
I took the tape out of the store surveillance camera.
Look.
ANNETTE: Oh, Apu, scratch and win! APU: Mmm! That's good adultery! (WHIMPERING) Oh, I am so sorry, Manjula.
Oh! Get out of my home, Apu! (ALL HISSING) (SIGHING) I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore.
Caramel baloney.
Hey, Kirk Van Houten.
I live across the way.
If you don't like losing at cribbage, stay out of my place.
Okay.
No, no! I'll let you win.
I'll let you win.
God, I'm really lonely.
Welcome back to Inside The Actors Studio.
We've met Rainier Wolfcastle, actor, novelist, barbecue sauce spokesman.
Now can we meet McBain? Let me get into character.
Okay, I'm McBain.
All right, Mendoza! I'll give you the Maxwell Circuit if you put down my daughter.
(EXCLAIMS) It's a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir.
Kids, we want to talk to you about something.
You might hear from your friends or co-workers that Apu isn't living at home anymore.
I just wish there was something we could do.
Oh.
Oh, Homer, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet I am.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) You can run, but you can't glide! USA! USA! Tonight, we invite both Manjula and Apu for dinner, but we don't tell them the other one's coming.
And Krusty.
We gotta invite Krusty.
I keep telling you, off-camera, he's a desperately unhappy man.
But if we remind Apu and Manjula of why they fell in love, maybe they can work out their problems.
Yeah! 'Cause if they don't (IMITATING LASER BLASTS) Manjula, we've got a special guest for you.
Is it my husband's whore? Even better! This is going great! Look who's here! It's this thing! I am Ganesh, your god.
I am truly screwed.
I order you to get back together or I'll suck your blood! Blah, blah! LISA: Bart, stick to the script.
Don't be a jerk.
You're the jerk.
You're the jerk! (BOTH GROANING) I know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs, but you cannot change my mind with one night of blasphemy and store-bought tandoori.
Or should I say blandoori? (GASPING) (CRYING) Manjula, please.
I have known we were meant to be together ever since my mother forced me to marry you.
If you give me another chance, I'll do anything to make it up to you.
Mmm.
Come here, you.
These are divorce papers! Consider yourself served! Hey, pally.
Where do you want the Fudge Mahal? Uh, we didn't order that.
HOMER: (WHISPERING) Can I lick your fingers? Meet me at the mail slot.
I have to warn you, Apu does not have very much money.
Are you absolutely sure? Because legally, I am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out.
It's established in the case of Lawyers v.
Justice.
(CHUCKLING) That was a wonderful day for us.
(MUTTERING) Now, we have eight children.
Will that affect the settlement? (LAUGHING) Perhaps.
(HUMMING) No offense, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens.
Yes.
I get that a lot.
I have to think all of this over.
I still have feelings for Apu.
I understand.
Who is Apu? The face of divorce is not as beautiful as I had hoped.
Perhaps there is another way.
When will you humans learn that your feelings, as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs? (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (HUMMING) Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words.
Mommy Will You Let Daddy Come Back? Cookie! Oh.
They miss their father.
Are you sure you don't want to take him back? Well, I do, but I don't want him to think that I am a doormat.
I need payback! All right! Girls night out! Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana! No.
I want him to suffer.
Oh.
Well, when Homer does something wrong, I write a list of ways he can make it up to me.
Then I shred the list and put it in his food.
All right.
We will write a list.
At the Golden Banana? No! Oh.
Over, under, round and round so your feet won't touch the ground.
Now let's see what awaits me in the next life.
First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat, then me.
A tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels! It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes.
Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen.
Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back Really? Provided you complete these tasks.
"Number one, break up with Squishee girl.
" Well, that's a no-brainer.
"Number two, lose weight.
"Number three, get cartoon published in New Yorker.
"Number four, legally change name to Slime Q.
Slimedog.
"Number five, wear nametag that says same.
" I know a great nametag place.
They do fabulous work.
It's where I got this.
So our relationship is over, is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm afraid so.
Well, we had fun.
Hey, Apu, I think she likes you.
(GROANS) This Squishee's awful.
I only sell Smooshies now.
Squishees reminded me of my misdeeds.
My Smooshie tastes like a shopping bag.
(COUGHING) Mine tastes like dog fur! Yes, but look at the deliveryman.
He is hideous.
Oh, a challenge! (WHOOPING) Wait a minute! This isn't on the list! It's been on my list for a long time! Not bad, eh? I bought the issue for Richard Avedon's pictures of Lenny.
"Eliza, where the devil are my slippers?" Bravo! Bravo! "My Fair Lady performed with all-octuplet cast.
" Done.
HOMER: Good show! Yeah! MARGE: Yeah! It was magic.
He took a Cockney flower girl and turned her into My Fair Lady.
I liked all the roles filled by minority actors.
Why, I didn't even notice.
Apu, you have completed the list.
You may now move back with your family and your never-ending disgrace.
Wait, wait! You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Thank you very much, you big fat blabbermouth! I Sorry, sorry.
It's been a rough month.
Here you go.
Don't worry, I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.
(BOTH SIGHING) So, back in the old bed.
I never realized it was so wide.
Yes, back to our marital closeness.
Maybe we can't rush things.
Oh, Apu, I want us to be a family again.
But it will take some time.
We will know when it feels right again.
Whenever you are ready.
(BOTH MOANING)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Little Girl in the Big Ten
The Simpsons s13e20 Episode Script
Little Girl in the Big Ten
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (EXCLAIMING) Welcome to second grade gymnastics.
We'll get started as soon as the previous class finishes up on the equipment.
(GRUNTING) Don't worry.
You can win them back if you stick the landing.
Big smile.
Come on, ladies.
Faster, higher, better! (ALL GROANING) (GIGGLES) My bad.
Lisa, gym isn't just about encouraging fitness, it's also about exposing weakness! Check minus.
Are you mad, Brunella? You can't fail Lisa.
She's the only child keeping this school accredited.
Without her, we'd have to release these children back into the forest.
So, let's just turn that minus into a plus.
Skinner, I took an oath! And by Xena, this girl's failing gym! Perhaps we could get her a private coach? Well, I know a coach.
But he's tough.
He defected into East Germany.
Okay.
For next exercise, put hands on hips, jump out window, and go tell parents to stop wasting my time with failure child! (WAILING) Faster! Lift your knees! Look, Lisa! There's an opening! Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at? Well, hookers and Spider-Man.
Forget it.
I'm going home.
(GROANS) Get up, Liser.
President Kennedy! That's right, Liser.
Academics are important.
But you must also train your body with vigor.
That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness, yes.
Well, I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage.
Yes.
Uh, I wrote it.
Well, good luck, Liser.
Thanks! I'll see you in heaven! Uh, yes, uh, heaven.
(GASPS) My little munchkin bumped her pumpkin.
Are you okay, Lisa? I'm more than okay! Ich bin ein gymnast.
Aw, she must've dreamt about Hitler again.
There you go.
A Laffy Meal for you, and a Nostalgia Meal for me.
Oh, boy! This takes me back! Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of oleo! What's your nostalgia prize, Grampa? Liberace action figure.
LIBERACE ACTION FIGURE: Party tonight at Roddy McDowall's.
I got a plastic Krusty-saurus.
(BUZZING SOUND) Hmm.
A mosquito? How'd that get in there? KRUSTY ON PA: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.
(LAUGHING) Questions are decadent! (LAUGHING) Fast hands mean less whipping.
(LAUGHING) Ow! Skeeter bites are good luck.
Scratch it and you get a wish.
(MOANS) I don't feel so good.
Can you take me to the hospital? Finally we're doing something I want to do.
Just relax.
Think of floor as full of snakes.
You fall, they kill you! Relax, relax.
And snakes! Bravo, little girl.
Great progress! You deserve reward.
Here is your cat back, good as new.
Oh, thank you.
Do you think I'll pass gym this term? Is no problem.
God give you greatest gift.
Big head like beach ball made of bone.
Gives you perfect balance.
Yeah! Excellent! All right! See you tomorrow.
Rest your giant head.
I am Lugash.
(GASPS) You're reading Gravity's Rainbow? Re-reading.
Sorry.
What are you guys talking about? I was making fractals.
LISA: These girls are brilliant.
I finally found kids I can relate to.
You guys are so cool! I can't believe I never met you before! Well, I'm Tina.
And this is Carrie.
Maybe we could hang out together.
Oh, I'd love to.
You girls were all great.
Cats back for everyone.
I had a dog.
Is cat now.
Need a ride back to campus? (GULPS) Campus? You guys are college students! Yeah.
But with our small gymnast bodies, everyone always thinks we're way younger.
Aren't you in college? Of course.
Where do you think I go? Baby school? (ALL CHUCKLING) See you tomorrow, Lisa! We find out what five minus three is! Um I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class.
No, Lisa.
We're both in Go! Go! Go! Why do people run from me? LISA: Wow.
I'm actually passing as a college student.
And they don't have a Blue's Clue.
Whoops.
Gotta age it up.
Life sucks.
Totally.
Phew.
So what dorm do you live in? Actually, I'm off campus.
I share a house with a couple of girls, a couple of guys.
Guys, huh? Are they cute? Well, Bart's kind of No! HOMER: (SINGING) I get knocked down I get knocked down again You are never gonna knock me down! Whoa! Party house.
HOMER: Hey, where's my keg? Mom's not gonna like that.
Who's Mom? That's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.
Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky's reading at CafÃ© Kafka.
(GASPS) Robert Pinsky? The former poet laureate? It's gonna be great.
The three of us can split a scone.
Non-dairy? BOTH: Duh! (SINGING) I take a whiskey drink I take a chocolate drink And when I have to pee I use the kitchen sink I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy! I'll see you tomorrow! See you! Splash! Splash! Splash! (DR.
HIBBERT CHUCKLING) Now you're sure you haven't been to China? There's no shame in it.
No.
I told you.
A mosquito came out of my Laffy Meal and bit me! What's wrong with him, Doctor? It can't be mange.
I just had him dipped.
Your son is exhibiting classic symptoms of panda virus.
Here.
Take a look.
(GASPS) I knew it was serious when he said he didn't want ice cream.
I did want ice cream.
Well, your father ate it all! Now don't worry.
These pills will take care of everything.
But for a week, Bart will be highly infectious to others.
(CHUCKLING) Contagious? Outrageous! I got me some teachers to lick.
(CHUCKLING) Well, I don't know about that.
But don't worry.
While you're infectious, you will lead a normal life full of normal social interaction.
I don't like how many times you said "normal.
" You'll be living in this bubble.
It's clear plastic so the world can see how normal you are.
(LAUGHING) (BART EXCLAIMING) Help me! You'll get the hang of it, honey.
Today's just a little gusty.
Everyone's staring at me.
Ha-ha! (SPEAKING SPANISH) (PANTING) Ha-ha! This place is amazing.
Kiosks, outdoor study groups.
Lisa, where have you been? In heaven.
I love her.
She's a total free spirit.
She'd have to be where she lives.
That place had a Manson Family vibe.
Yeah, well, I live in a dorm without a DSL line.
Freaky.
I think the soup's a little hot.
Bart, don't slurp your soup.
My bubble, my rules.
That's it, boy! It's time for your bath! Now go to bed.
That is called parenting.
I'm going to Moe's.
Test.
Test.
Roses are red.
April is the cruelest month.
Cruelest month.
Now open your minds for the Coltrane of the quatrain, the Tony Danza of the A-B stanza.
I give you the former poet laureate of the United States, Mr.
Robert Pinsky.
(CROWD APPLAUDING) Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library! I study there! (PEOPLE CHEERING) Say another building! That's it, Pinsky.
You've got them right where you want them.
"Slow dulcimer, gavotte and bow in autumn" (GASPS) He's reading Impossible to Tell.
"Basho and his friends go out to view the moon "In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter "The secret courtesy that courses like ichor "Through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke" LISA: I'm in a coffee house listening to poetry.
There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care.
This is the single greatest day of my life! "Impossible to tell in writing.
"Basho, he named himself, 'Banana tree.
"' BOYS: Basho! Banana tree! Good night, Bart.
Good night, Lisa.
Good night, Maggie.
(SNARLING) Cherish these moments, Homer.
So I'm walking by the Oval Office.
And I hear the President, "Pinsky, where's my poem?" Well, I thought it wasn't due till Tuesday.
So I make one up.
I am just pulling stuff out of my ass.
And when I'm done, the President says, "Pinsky, you've done it again.
" Ka-ching! LISA: (GASPS) Oh, my God! My social studies project is due tomorrow morning! Did she put in for the pizza? Gotta finish.
Gotta finish.
Am I using too much glue? You won't eat our meat but you glue with our feet.
(SHOUTS) (LISA SNORING) Well, it's still the best thing in this class.
A-minus.
(CHUCKLES SMUGLY) Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.
You're like my mommy after a box of wine.
Give me your lunch money! But it's after lunch.
It's just an expression.
Like "kick your butt" could involve no kicking whatsoever.
Never fear, the sphere is here! That's it, Simpson.
I'm gonna kick you right in the ball.
(LAUGHS) When nerds are in trouble, I am not slow.
It's spin, spin, spin, and away I go! (ALL CHEERING) Once he's gone, they'll kill us! (PINK PANTHER THEME PLAYING) That young adult looks like Lisa.
That young adult is Lisa! She's up to something private! Let's go spy on her! (GROANING) I'll get you down.
Bite these pencils.
(BOTH GROANING) This is the life we chose.
Huh? Where is everybody? Anthro 101: Passive Analysis of Visual Iconography.
Everyone takes it.
All you do is watch Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
After her! I feel like Harriet the spy.
Now the classic Itchy & Scratchy, episode DAB-F06.
"Butter Off Dead.
" Good morrow to thee, neighbor.
(MUMBLING) PROFESSOR: Okay.
Freeze there.
So what does this cartoon "mean"? It shows how the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other.
Yes.
And birds go "tweet.
" What else? Hey, Mister! Put the cartoon back on! I'm sorry, boys.
We don't allow children in this class.
What about Lisa? She's only eight! (STUDENTS MURMURING) Lisa, did you lie to us? I just wanted to belong! For once I felt I was with intellectual equals.
I can't believe I cheated off an eight-year-old.
I guess we won't be biking through Italy.
(SOBBING) She's worse than that 80-year-old who pretended to be a freshman.
I just wanted a place to sit down.
What the You earned how many credits without our permission? Sixteen.
(GROANS) College is no place for a young girl, with those quadrangles and study carrels and syllabi, and Doogie Howser went to college when he was my age.
Against my wishes! But the atmosphere there was so stimulating.
It was a bustling marketplace of ideas.
Oh.
And this kitchen isn't? Well I put those Cathys on the fridge for you.
I don't even like them.
They've gotten so smutty.
Sure.
When a man does it, it's smutty.
But if a woman did it Homer, Cathy is a woman.
Oh, come on You're right.
(SHUDDERS) (SIGHS) What are you guys doing? We're gonna roll down the hill.
Can I come with you? I don't know.
Are you sure you're not too "college" for us? Yeah.
Sorry we can't be more "college!" Hey, Einstein.
What's a million plus a million? Two million.
So? Don't let them get to you, lass.
I'm too good for this place, too.
Now run home to your shack.
I live in a house.
Well, la-dee-da, college girl! Well, I guess you're too good for me, too! Oh, look at (HUMMING) (GROANS) What are you doing? I was trying to throw Bart over the roof and he got stuck in this tree.
Marge, where's my pellet gun? MARGE: In the tree! Right.
(FIRES) (SCREAMING) Oh, no! Not the good cheek! Poor, Bart.
I know just how you feel.
Isolated, alone, cut off from everyone.
Are you kidding? This little baby has made me more popular than ever.
Hey, Bubble Bart! Looking good.
Call me! The bubble makes everything shimmer and glow.
You can't believe what that sunset looks like to me.
That's not a sunset.
That's a bird on fire.
To-may-to, to-mah-to.
I wish I had someplace to call my own.
No one wants me around anymore.
I know a way you can win back the kids at school.
Really? That's wonderful.
But how? All you gotta do is play a prank on the principal.
Well, I can't do it tomorrow.
There's an assembly in his honor.
(CHUCKLES) We've got a little planning to do.
Step into my office.
Ew! Bart! It wasn't me.
In recognition of your 20 years as interim principal, I hereby dedicate the Seymour Skinner parking annex.
Did they have to guess the date of my death? Can't you be a team player just once? (CLEARS THROAT) When I was starting out, they said, "You're good.
But are you 'plaque' good?" Well, today I can say, "Yes, I am.
" Three, two, one Thank you.
I will now take pre-approved questions from honor roll students.
Yeah, I got a question! How dare you wear white? I hear what you do at night.
Security! Get your hands off of me.
Why Martin Prince, Daily Fourth Gradian.
How about a picture of you and the cake for our society page? Now normally I wouldn't go near a giant chocolate cake in my dress polyester.
But with Bart Simpson safely encapsulated, I'd be delighted to pose.
Look, up there! It's Lisa! And she's winning us back! (SHOUTS) (CHILDREN CHEERING) I've been taken down a peg.
A whole peg! STUDENTS: Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa! Good going, Lise.
And it sure is great to be out of that bubble.
It sure is sunny.
Was the air always this fresh? I'm just gonna hang out in this vent! Does this thing suck or blow? Suck! (AIR WHOOSHING)
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Frying Game
The Simpsons s13e21 Episode Script
Frying Game
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) If you ask me, Muhammad Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Yeah.
But what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi? I cannot listen to this again! Guys, I just ordered my wife the greatest anniversary present.
A koi pond! A koi pond? Yeah.
A meditative lily pond with big, beautiful fish that fry up really good.
That's the perfect gift.
Yeah.
You don't even have to feed the fish, 'cause squirrels drown in it.
You got this husband thing down, Homer.
Yeah.
You must be some kind of marriage super genius.
How about a few tips? Certainly, Lenford.
Make every day a celebration of your love.
Surprise her with a pasta salad.
Put a mini-beret on your wang.
This stuff is gold.
Happy marriage, here I come.
This'll really help with my speed dating.
I got 400 no's.
I can't wait to see my surprise! Hey, hey, hey! No peeking! Happy anniversary, Marge! (GASPS) A koi pond! It's beautiful! Oh, you sweet, wonderful man-child.
I finally have a peaceful place to sit and hear my own thoughts.
MARGE: How much money did he piss away on this? (SCREAMING) What was that? (SCREAMING) What the hell is that noise? That caterpillar is screaming.
The poor thing's in pain.
What he needs is a visit from kindly old Doctor Foot.
Hold it right there, Doctor Foot.
You're about to kill an endangered species, the screamapillar, which has chosen your yard as its home.
Fine, I won't kill it.
Finish the job.
Mr.
Simpson, allowing an endangered species to die is a federal offense under the Reversal of Freedoms Act of 1994.
You are now legally responsible for the safety and well-being of this screamapillar.
(SCREAMING) Everything you need to know is in this pamphlet.
(LISA READING) Wow.
Look at all this stuff.
"Without constant reassurance, it will die.
"It's sexually attracted to fire.
" Are you sure God doesn't want it to be dead? Hey, what's God gonna do? Make my wife leave me again? (SCREAMAPILLAR SCREAMING) What does he want now? If he wants to sleep with us, forget it! (BURPS) (YELLING) Put him down, boy! Put him down! (MEOWING) "Once upon a time there were three bears.
"The end.
" (SCREAMING) Oh, fine! I'll go back to the beginning! (GASPS) Oh, no! I crushed that horrible bug! What should I do? Bury it, quickly, before anyone finds out.
I'm gonna tell! The hell you will! (GRUNTS) Now we're in it together.
There's no going back.
(CHUCKLING) BOTH: Yeah! (HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Stop what you're doing! Why don't I hear any screaming? He's sleeping! Then why don't I hear any sleep screams? Well, the thing about that is (MUFFLED SCREAMING) Woo-hoo! He's alive! (LAUGHS) Now you can't punish me.
Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to 200 hours of community service.
(EXCLAIMS) Next case.
Duffman v.
Duff Brewing Corporation.
Duffman's pension has been mismanaged! Oh, yeah! Objection.
That party-hearty attitude is a registered trademark of the Duff Corporation.
Whatever happened to fair use? Lousy community service! Meals on Wheels! Eat it up or I go to jail.
Didn't these meals used to have a cobbler? They discontinued the cobbler.
You smell like cobbler.
Now let's not get into who smells like what.
(DOORBELL CHIMES) OLD WOMAN: Come in.
(SCREAMS) Oh, I can't let you leave now.
Safe and sound.
(SHRIEKS) That's better.
(SHRIEKS) Thank God I'm out of matches! Oh, no.
Here's another one.
Please don't kill me! I won't tell anyone about the skeleton! And I could bring you more victims! Like Lenny! He'd go great with wild rice! Oh, don't be such a nervous Pervis.
That's not a real skeleton, it's a Halloween costume.
But what about the ax? Oh, don't be silly.
I just use that to chop through those tough Meals on Wheels steaks.
Oh, I couldn't possibly eat all this.
Please join me.
You're the shut-in.
So I threw the SuperBall so hard it hit the ceiling twice, then broke a lamp! (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Homer, I feel like I'm talking to Bennett Cerf.
Yeah, I've gotten a lot of compliments about my talking.
Before you go, would you mind opening this jar of butter pickles? My pleasure.
(GRUNTS) Oh, my.
You're as strong as you are handsome.
And I can ride my bike real fast.
Aren't you a wonder? Can I call you the next time I need a muscular he-man? Hey! I'm not running an employment service, you old Oh, you mean me? I'd be delighted.
(PHONE RINGS) Yello? Hi, Mrs.
Bellamy.
No, I'm not doing anything.
I can mow your lawn.
Cover for me.
(BOTH SHOUT) (BOTH EXCLAIM) (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Uh-huh.
Yes, Mrs.
Bellamy.
I'll be right there.
That woman is taking advantage of you.
And we need you to do things around here.
The oven light is out.
And you never finished filling up the aquarium.
Marge, I can't say no to a helpless old lady.
They put spells on you! Fine.
I'll go talk to her.
Homer's family needs him, too.
And that's that! Oh, Marge, you're such a good woman to care so much about your husband.
All I have left of my Chester is his tattered old Army jacket.
Let me sew that up for you.
Make sure you double stitch.
Then do these socks.
Darn her socks? I say darn her! I'll do them and then I'm out of here.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Did you hear that Gertie had a terrible fall outside the thrift store? Oh! She would fall there! (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, who do I have to gum to get a refill? (ALL LAUGHING) Freshen your drinks, ladies? Laxative? Yeah.
Mother, may I read a magazine while I wait in the car? Don't you read enough at school, bookworm? (ALL LAUGHING) (GROANS) I am so sick of doing her dirty work.
She's taking advantage of us, Homer! The Missus prefers you call me Simpson.
(WOMAN SCREAMING) She's got a set of lungs on her.
(BOTH GASP) Are you all right? That man took my diamond necklace.
(LAUGHING) Don't worry.
You're gonna be just fine.
Okay.
(MOANING) Oh, my gosh.
She's dead! (STUTTERING) So let me get this straight.
This mysterious man with braces just stabbed the old lady and disappeared? Without a trace.
Found her will, Chief.
It was just changed to leave the Simpsons $50,000.
So it's a good thing she died, from our point of view, financially.
Well, I'd like to thank you both for cooperating with Did you do it? Chief Wiggum! Homer and I are innocent! I'm sorry, Marge.
I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an Did you do it? No! Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be Does that ever work? No.
No, never does.
Book him, Lou.
Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
I'll be back on the streets by dinnertime.
You'll see.
And the elephant that couldn't stop laughing was put to death.
Speaking of death, octogenarian Myrna Bellamy was brutally murdered last night.
The top suspects, her disgruntled servants, Homer and Marge Simpson.
BART AND LISA: Hmm? Top suspects? Oh, dear.
Now everyone will think Homer and I did it.
The real killer is the man with the braces.
Yeah.
If Dad killed everyone he talked about killing, would any of us be here? You'd be dead a million times.
(ALL LAUGHING) CARL: Do you really think Homer could be a killer? I just can't believe a man we sat and drank with all these years could do such a horrible thing.
Well, we've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill.
You just have to drown it out.
(SINGING) I've been working on the railroad all the livelong day Yeah, that's better.
Oh, man.
What a day! I'd kill for a beer.
(ALL GASPING) Right away, sir.
I don't want no trouble.
Mmm.
I'd stab somebody for a pickle.
Give me some peanuts.
You didn't say you'd kill me.
I'll kill you if you don't give me some peanuts.
(STUTTERING) Here you go, mister.
Today's readings come from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, maybe just Matthew and Mark.
(CLEARING THROAT) Amen! (CAR TIRES SCREECHING) Next on the Springfield Death Tour is the home of Marge and Homer Simpson, also known as "H-Diddy and his Murder Ho.
" (ALL GASPING) Go away! Wait, wait! That's a suggestion, not a threat.
Homer! What? It goes right by our house.
This is ridiculous.
You've been through my delicates, my silkies, my dainties, and my unmentionables! I insist on searching every inch of this home personally.
Here's my underwear drawer.
Where's that robot? Hey, Chief.
You better get in here.
(GASPS) Mrs.
Bellamy's necklace! Homer and Marge Simpson, you're under arrest for the murder of Myrna Bellamy.
Homer, what are we going to do? You know, Chief, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe.
Think again, dirtbag.
Because I can just swipe it later from the evidence locker! Yeah, your wife's gonna look pretty good in that, Chief.
Yeah.
She's a super lady.
I can't believe we've been arrested for murder.
Don't worry, Marge.
I'll cut us a deal by becoming a jailhouse snitch.
I know who stopped up the toilet.
(GROANS) Now don't worry, kids.
You'll be placed with a caring foster family.
Young'uns, meet your new brother and sister.
They's worth five dollars a day county money.
I'm Bart.
And this is Lisa.
Them's city names.
From now on, you're Dingus Squatford Jr.
and Pamela E.
Lee.
But I like my old name.
You hush up, Dingus! They hated the victim.
Her death earned them $50,000.
And the necklace was found in their home.
Does the defense have any closing remarks? Well, not at this time, Your Honor.
This is the only time.
Well, then no.
Mr.
Foreman, have you reached a verdict? Verdict? Is that what we were supposed to do? (STUTTERING) Well, in all my years on the bench 'Cause that's what we did! You juries.
Gonna be the How do you find? We find the defendants guilty.
(GASPING) Homer and Marge Simpson, I sentence you to death in the electric chair! But we're innocent! It was the man with the braces! Can't you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card! Play it! We appreciate your coming to comfort us.
But we're not Catholic.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Well, then I hope you enjoy your stay in hell.
Nice dress.
Oh, go home and have sex with your wife! That's it.
Bring it on! Why you little (GRUNTING) Come on, you sainted How can you have such an appetite at a time like this? Let's just say I'm planning a little surprise for the execution.
This cannon is gonna be full when I go off.
Ka-boom! You know, this is our last night and our cells are side by side.
It's hard to get in the mood with all those murderous eyes staring at us.
Just think of them as twinkling stars.
Homie, I'm sorry.
I can't.
I just keep thinking about everything we're gonna miss.
The kids growing up.
Grandchildren.
(SOBBING) I want to confess.
I killed and robbed the old lady all by myself.
Marge is completely innocent.
The only thing she's guilty of is loving too much.
The murder I did.
Congratulations, Mrs.
Simpson.
Your husband confessed to everything.
You're free to go.
Oh, my love.
You saved my life.
Now you do it for me.
Dead man walking on the green mile! Give me your hands, boss.
I'll kill you! I killed them other people, and I'll kill you, too! You want some cornbread, Mr.
Jingles? Well, you can forget it.
Because I'm gonna kill you! (LAUGHING) (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yes, Governor! No, Governor.
It's not too late.
Yes, Governor.
I'll tell him right away.
The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher! Oh, yes! Oh.
Chin up, Homer.
We've gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Marge.
I'll always love you.
(ELECTRICITY SURGING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) You're on Frame Up! (SHOUTS) That's right.
Homer Simpson, you're the latest victim of the new reality show, Frame Up! (GASPS) It's the man with the braces! I'm also your host.
Now let's meet a ghost.
Mrs.
Bellamy? There never was a Mrs.
Bellamy.
Only me, Carmen Electra! I knew it! And I'm some actor they hired! Frame Up is Fox's latest hit, right after No Pants Island and Fart Date! This whole thing was a joke? I've never been so relieved! Relieved and angry.
So wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You tied up the judicial system, costing the city millions of dollars, just for a TV show? Yes.
And I'm gonna be in the show? Yes! Can Eddy and Lou have producer credits? Yup! Now what are your last names? We don't have them.
We're like Cher.
Oh, Homie.
I'm so lucky to be married to such a selfless and loving man.
Mom, Dad! Thank God you're okay! We were in the greenroom.
I had so much shrimp.
Well, I'm glad everyone's all right.
But I think you should be ashamed.
Toying with a human life for TV ratings.
Uh, Homer.
My face is up here.
I've made my choice.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 13  >  Papa's Got a Brand New Badge
The Simpsons s13e22 Episode Script
Papa's Got a Brand New Badge
(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) (CLOCK TICKING) KRUSTY: Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey (GROANING) So hot.
So sticky.
(GROANING) Marge? I'm back here.
Ah, the old folks.
It happens every heat wave.
Okay, people, out of my freezer! (ALL GROANING) But we're hot and elderly! I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased.
Hmm.
Don't you go too far.
(CHUCKLING) (CHILDREN CHATTERING) This air conditioning is better than any truant officer.
I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years.
(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS) Mrs.
K.
(GIGGLING) Oh, Arthur.
(MACHINERY RUMBLING) We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend.
Hey-oh! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar.
Mr.
Burns, can your plant handle it? No problem.
We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage.
Who are they going to complain to? Their parents? But, sir, we're at full capacity.
One more appliance could overload the system.
(SCOFFS) Fear not.
Our town has dodged disaster, and I have come out smelling like guest-room soap.
(SIMPSONS GRUNTING) You know what will cool this place down? A little touch of winter.
Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! (JINGLE BELL ROCK PLAYING) (SINGING) Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout.
A blackout? Oh.
Every time Santa and I get together, it's a disaster.
MOE: Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox's Celebrity Boxing! BARNEY: I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley versus Mister Ed.
It's terrible, all the traffic lights are out.
Driving sure is dangerous.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I got some yuppie jerkoff headed right for me, yakking away on his cell phone.
I hear that.
I got some big shot barreling down on me.
Hey! Who are you talking to? Your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar! (SCREAMING) I don't hear an alarm.
Let's take stuff.
Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting.
Sweet.
Let's go nuts.
MAN: (SINGING) Hot town, summer in the city Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty Mannequins.
You can't buy these! Oh! Look at all these tube socks! But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right And, babe, don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights (LAUGHING) Oh, crap! (ALL SHOUTING) (PLAYING MARCHING TUNE) Kent, this city has exploded in a fireball of pent-up rage! I think what the viewers want to know, Arnie, is, is my house okay? You mean, is your giant castle okay, Kent? Don't hate me because I bought at the right time, Arnie.
When's my right time, Kent? When's my right time? Oh, no! They're stealing the tire fire! ALL: Ow! Ow! (POLICE SIREN WAILING) Finally, some repression.
CLANCY: All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What, what? We're not prepared, Eddie? (ALL SHOUTING) CLANCY: Someone call 911.
EDDIE: Oh, they never come.
(SIGHING) Thus ends the rule of law.
Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! Please, can I throw one little No.
What if I just burn down a No.
Can I at least incite further No.
I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus.
No more irresponsible behavior.
Can I have a beer? All right.
But not the imported.
Homer? You've got to set limits, Marge.
No beer! (BELL TOLLING) Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!" (SCREAMING) Remember me as a hero.
(ALL SHOUTING) The looters stole me glass eye! This be a superball.
Back in my day, we had people who stood up to ruffians.
We called them men.
I agree with the hideous crone! Yeah! Hear, hear! She's ugly! I think I speak for myself, Comic Book Guy and Bumblebee Man when I say, I blame Chief Clancy Wiggum! Yeah! Yeah.
You know, it's not just my fault.
You were the ones doing all the looting.
Oh, sure.
Blame the victims.
Throw some Nikes at his head.
What size? People, rest assured the police department's ineptitude shall not stand.
I am announcing the formation of a blue-ribbon committee.
(ALL GASPING) A committee? Did he say blue-ribbon? Committees don't get any better than that.
Man, am I appeased.
So, can we keep the stuff we stole? I think that's implied.
(CHUCKLING) I don't care what they say.
I won't feel safe in this town until we have better police.
(SCOFFING) Yeah.
Wiggum couldn't catch cooties at Milhouse's birthday party.
Dad Oh! Seriously, everyone says your parties rock.
Homer, this is all your fault.
If you hadn't plugged in your dancing Santa, none of this would have happened.
I admit it.
I did screw up.
But I won't feel guilty until I can put a human face on this.
Mom! Dad! Someone stole my Malibu Stacy collection! Marge, doesn't Lisa have a human face? Yes, and she's crying.
(CRYING) That's it! Nobody messes with my little girl! I'm going to find those dolls! Are you gonna call the police? Oh! Forget it! They couldn't catch a cold with a cold-catching thing.
See, when you don't use Milhouse, it's hard.
I love this kid.
Yes.
Interesting.
Okay.
All right, I've come up with a composite sketch of my prime suspect.
Behold! Dad, that's Bart.
Exactly.
Look at him over there, eating that apple.
What's he planning? What? Maybe we should look for clues.
You're right.
(GASPING) What's this? A cap! From The Wooly Bully.
Do you sell hats? Yeah.
To people? People with heads? Maybe.
Sometimes.
Dude, I need a new cap.
Ah-ha! Did you steal dolls from my daughter? I think they demean women! Well, think again, son.
You're going to juvie.
But I just got out of juvie.
Good! 'Cause I need directions.
Well, you'll be happy to know Malibu Stacy's fine.
I really appreciate what you did, Dad.
Aw.
You said you'd do something and you followed through on it.
Hey, you know, stopping criminals is fun.
I felt like a big man pushing that kid around! Yo, empty the register, dude.
Okay, okay, you're the boss.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Silent alarm activated! Oh! That's it! (GASPING) HOMER: No cops in sight.
If I'm gonna save that clerk, I'm gonna have to take the law into my own hands again.
Cheese! (EXCLAIMING) That's muy picante! Homer, you are so brave.
If anyone deserves to take a penny, it is you.
Well Well, no.
Come on, come on, there's only one in there.
You know, I've had a lot of jobs.
Boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary.
But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
If you like protecting people, you can make that your job.
You know, start a security company.
(GASPING) Finally, a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people! Fellas, I'm starting my own private police force.
Will you join me? Well, who would my partner be? How about Lenny? BOTH: Him? No way! You'll do as I say, or I'll have your badges! Once I make and give you your badges.
Flanders? I was able to find your missing leaf-blower, belt-sander and morning newspapers.
Well, nice work, Inspector Find-It! Did you catch the thief? Who said it was a he? Well, I sure didn't.
Who said you did? Nobody.
Wrong answer! Let's go! Okely-dokely.
You're pushing your luck, pal.
HOMER: (EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY) Here's my commercial! (SCREAMING) A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911.
Simply dial Help me, SpringShield! Have no fear, SpringShield's present! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) Thank you, SpringShield! Friend? The only friend you need is SpringShield.
Monster put in wallet.
That commercial is very effective.
You know, the old lady's apartment was actually Lenny's.
We just used a different duvet cover.
Well, they're both lovely.
Hey, Officer Homer, how'd you get so big and strong? Green vegetables and homework.
Oh, shucks! Hey-a, Officer Homer.
You look-a hungry.
I shine-a you up a nice big pizza.
Wow! Look at Dad.
People really respect him.
Hold your heads up high, kids.
(BONES CRACKING) I didn't know my chin went that far up.
(BONES CRACKING) Oh, yeah, that's the pride.
Homie, to honor Springfield's newest hero, I made you your favorite dinner.
All three courses are dessert.
Even dessert? Dessert is three desserts.
Mr.
Mayor, you've been unflinching in your support of Chief Wiggum.
Yes, I still believe in our duly appointed police force.
Behind these doors are the finest cops ever to wriggle into size-46 pants.
Wiggum? (GLASS SHATTERING) (CHUCKLING) Am I getting warmer? Clancy, you're a disgrace! And in my blind rage, I hereby turn over all this town's police duties to Homer Simpson and SpringShield! Woo-hoo! I'm Chief of Police! Police? Uh-oh.
Oh, wait.
It was better the other way.
Now that I am the law, I'm gonna make a lot of changes around here.
First, I'm gonna cut overhead by freeing Otis, the lovable town drunk.
You can let me go, but I'll just keep exposing myself at the mall.
What a character.
Cool! A lie detector! Lisa is a dork.
Lisa is a dork.
Dad, make him stop! Well, according to this, he's telling the truth.
(SQUEAKING) Hurry up, boys.
We've got to get these toy poodles to the pet shop.
All right, Fat Tony! Your little game is over.
Hey, how'd you find us? One of these ferrets is wearing a wire.
(BEEPING) You're not a pet and you're not a friend.
You're nothing to me.
With this latest arrest, Springfield is now free of crime.
Although overrun with ferrets.
Happy days, people.
Truly happy days.
Daddy, how come you're not at work? I don't know.
How come you're not at school? My teacher says she's tired of trying.
Yeah, well, so am I, Ralphie.
So am I.
MARTY: It's Bill and Marty on the line right now with Springfield's very own Fat Tony.
FAT TONY: I wish to announce that my associates and I will gun down Homer Simpson if he has not left town by noon tomorrow.
(ALL GASPING) BILL: Wow, that's quite a threat! Do you have a song request? FAT TONY: Radar Love.
If that thug thinks he can run me out of town Oh, man, I love this song! (SINGING) I've been drivin' all night and I've got sweat on the wheel (HUMMING) There's a voice in my head that drives my heel (HUMMING) It's my baby callin' on the telephone (HUMMING) I got some pizza and I'm bringing it home (HUMMING) You all know me.
I've kept the streets safe for you and your children.
I've tricked or treated at many of your houses.
Last year, I was Jar Jar Binks.
Now, who will stand and fight with me? (MAN COUGHING) I'm with you, Homer.
Shut up, Flanders.
Anyone else? What about you, Dr.
Hibbert? Oh! Well, I'd love to help you, Homer, but I have too darn much to live for.
I just discovered Thai food.
I'd help you, but I have yet to kiss a human girl.
And I've got a TiVo full of unwatched Dharma and Gregs.
Sorry, Homer.
I'm a coward now, like all recovering alcoholics.
After everything I did, you're going to abandon me? (MAN COUGHING) Homie, please, why don't you just leave town? What? And let them come after you and the kids? We could come with you.
In one car? With no air conditioning? And the little poop machine going every 20 minutes? (BELL TOLLING) I need you guys to help me! Why'd you lock yourselves in? Hey, why does anyone do anything? The point is, what's done is done.
My Jersey muscle.
It's so good to see you.
Did you have a nice flight, Johnny Tightlips? I ain't sayin' nothin'.
I understand.
How is your mother? (EXCLAIMING) Who says I have a mother? Very well.
Let's do this thing.
(WOKE UP THIS MORNING PLAYING) MAN: (SINGING) You woke up this morning Got yourself a gun Mama always said you'd be The Chosen One She said, "You're one in a million "You got to burn to shine" But you were born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eyes And you woke up this morning And all that love had gone Your papa never told you about right and wrong But you're looking good, baby I believe you're feeling fine Shame about it Born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eyes So, sing it now Woke up this morning You got a blue moon Got a blue moon in your eyes (GASPING) Is your husband at home? Fat Tony, how can you do this? Sorry, but this is the business we've chosen.
But you're just perpetuating a negative Italian-American stereotype.
I mean, you could be a pizza man, organ grinder, leaning-tower maker, and did I say pizza man? You are listing my broken dreams.
I don't get it.
I finally did a job where I wasn't lazy, stupid, or corrupt and now I'm going to get killed for it.
(CLOCK CHIMING) (EXHALING) Any last words, Simpson? Yeah.
You can kill me, but someone will take my place.
And if you kill him, someone will take his place.
And that's pretty much the end of it.
The town will be yours.
All right, let's do it! Dibs on the crotch.
ALL: Oh! (GUN FIRES) He's got backup! Somebody does care! Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter? I see a lot of things.
You know, you could be a little more helpful.
(GUN CONTINUES FIRING) (ALL GROANING) Oh! Homie, I'm so glad you're alive! Yeah, but this town doesn't deserve me.
I'm giving this badge to the next guy I see.
That's funny.
Because this is how I got the job the first time.
I'm so glad this all worked out.
Thanks for saving my husband, Chief.
Hey, I didn't shoot anybody.
They took my gun, they took my badge.
Hell, they would've taken my squad car if I hadn't hid it under some hay.
Well, then, who shot all the gangsters? I must have a guardian angel.
With a rifle.
MARGE: Time to check in on our little sweetie pie.
Oh.
She's taking a nap.
Yeah, probably dreaming about the time she shot Mr.
Burns.
(LAUGHING) She's just like Clark Kent.
When there's lots of excitement, she's nowhere to be found.
Nighty-night, sweetie.
(WOKE UP THIS MORNING PLAYING) MAN: (SINGING) You woke up this morning Got yourself a gun
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Treehouse of Horror XI
The Simpsons s12e01 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XI
[Thunderclap] [Grunting] [Shuddering] Mmm.
[Laughing] Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Ha! Hmm.
[Chuckles] [Laughing] [Shuddering] [Muttering] [Groaning] [Whistling] Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
I don't like you ogling her.
Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious.
Eh, too much baggage.
Whoo, my horoscope! - "Taurus: Today you will die.
" - What? [Gasps] " And you may get a compliment from an attractive coworker"! - Lenny? - It really says "die"? That sounds unusually specific for a horoscope.
[Groans] Maybe I better check mine.
"Today your husband will die"! [Gasps] Homer, I'm scared.
Ooh! Scary newspaper.
Don't hurt me, horoscope.
I'm afraid- Ow! Oh! Paper cut! Paper cut! [Shouting] Missed me! Stupid horoscope.
[Laughs] Stupid horoscope! [Groans, Giggles] "Cloopid blorapope.
" [Bird Cawing] - Homer, if I may compliment you- - Yes.
Go on.
That is one handsome rattlesnake you got bitin' your arm there.
Yeah, it's quite fetching.
But, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness? - Nah, he'll get tired of bitin' in an hour or so.
- [Rattling] Snakes- nature's quitters.
That horoscope was baloney.
Nothing happened except for the pickax in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.
- What's for dessert? - No dessert until you eat your broccoli.
Oh, fine.
[Grunts] Mmm.
Another broccoli-related death.
- But I thought broccoli was- - Oh, yes.
One of the deadliest plants on earth.
Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
[Laughs] Sure is easy when they're stiff like this.
And very sad.
Saint Peter! Whoo-hoo! Got to heaven before you, Flanders! [Singsongy] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Mr.
Simpson.
I don't see a single good deed next to your name.
Well, the thing about that is, um- [Muttering] Ow! Oh! Homer, settle down.
I'll give you a chance to get into heaven.
You have 24 hours to go back and do one good deed.
I'm sorry.
I didn't get the number of hours or good deeds.
[Screaming] Oh, Homie.
I still can't believe a piece of broccoli killed you.
What the hell was I thinking? [Gagging] I tried the broccoli again.
[Groans] You have 23 hours left.
[Shouts] [Owl Hooting] - [Wind Whistling] - [Spooky Voice] Marge Simpson.
Homer, it's you! I thought I'd never see you again.
You were wrong.
Dead wrong.
- Do you have to talk like that? - [Normal Voice] No, not really.
Marge, you gotta help me.
I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Well, I've got a whole list of chores- Clean the garage, paint the house, grout the ti- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm just trying to get in.
I'm not running forJesus.
Okay, good deed, good deed.
Hello! - [Horn Honking] - Hey, a chance for a good deed! Huh? No! She's mine! - Oh, my Lord! - Hey! Wha-Wha-Wha- What's happening to me? People can see up my bustle! - Hey, stop squirming.
- [Screams] - [Body Thuds] - [Tires Screeching] - [Horn Honking] - Uh-oh.
I'm pretty sure she was gonna be the next Hitler.
Hello? Good deed done.
Let's see.
Good deed.
- [Shouts] - [Exclaims] Gotta find a good deed.
- [Whimpering] - Ha-ha! - Bingo! - #Your dad is dead # - # Mine's just in jail ## - [Whimpers] [Spooky Voice] Nelson! - Huh? Who said that? - I am the ghost- - Gotcha! Ha-ha! - [Whimpering] Bart, help! [Crying] Just one minute left to get into heaven.
There's gotta be some good deed I can do.
Come on.
Think, think! [Groans] - [Baby Crying] - My baby! - Stop that crying! - [Crying Continues] Man, you're annoying! [Onlookers Murmuring] Oh, it's a miracle! Thank heavens! Whoo-hoo! Did you see that? I did the deed.
Open up! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I wasn't looking.
Hey, I thought you guys could see everything.
- No.
You're thinking of Santa Claus.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- I'm afraid so, yes.
- [Screams] [Screaming Continues] [Whimpering] Ooh.
[Spooky Voice] I am Homer Simpson- Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh! - Ha-ha! - [Whimpering] Oh, be quiet! You'll wake upJohn Wayne.
I'm already up.
[Bird Squawking] Son, I don't like you watching that fire.
It's too violent.
- [Explosions, Whistling] - [Laughing] You're missing the best part, Sister.
Forget that stupid book.
But these fairy tales take me away from the harsh reality of peasant life.
- Aw, it's not so bad.
- [Squeaking] - [Chomps] - Ow! Oh! I just got over the plague.
Hello, Wife.
Hello, children.
Who's up for a merry jig? ## [Humming] Uh- Uh- Ow! Oh! Who am I kidding? I'm not merry.
- I lost my job as an oaf today.
- What? Oh! Why are the oafs always the first to go? - Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.
- Really? Hey! What do you think? Do you love it? [Screaming] Oh, I'm no dunce! I was born an oaf and I'll die an oaf.
But, Husband, without your weekly pittance, how shall we feed our children? Don't worry.
No child will ever starve in my home.
- [Bird Shrieks] - So long, kids! - [Grunts] Enjoy your new home! - [Shouting] Say "hi" to your other brother and sister.
- "Other brother and sister"? - [Both Screaming] Face it.
They're not great parents.
[Animal Howling] - No! That bridge has a troll under it! - [Growls] Everything in this forest is from a fairy tale and this book can keep us one step ahead.
Aw, geez.
I came on too strong again.
Oh, I'm so desperately lonely.
[Owl Hooting] Hello! Lost lovable orphans! - [Wind Whistling] - [Gasps] Hmm.
Bowls of porridge.
Oh, this seems somehow familiar.
Let's see.
- Hmm.
- [Sizzles] Oh! Whoa! Too hot.
Mmm, hmm.
Oh.
Too cold.
Well, this doesn't take a genius.
- Mmm.
- [Gasps] We're in the three bears' house! - [Door Opens] - [Gasps] [Humming] - [Panting] - That was close.
I wonder where Goldilocks was.
[Exhales] Oh! That bed was just right! - [Gasps] - [Roaring] Oh, no! [Shouting] - [Screaming] - [Roaring Continues] - [Screaming Stops] - [Chomping] Boy, dumping your kids in the forest sure gets your hands dusty.
What? You threw our precious babies into the woods? We could've sold them! - Go back and get them! - Here's a better idea.
I know how we can replace those children.
[Growls] Son! Daughter! I'm ever so sorry! # La, la, la-la, la la-la, la # Brave sir knight! I pray you, climb up and rescue me! - Hmm.
Hmm.
- Ow! No! Wait! - Wait! [Screams] - [Screams] Hmm.
## [Whistles] Wow! A house made of gingerbread.
Come on in, my darlings.
The best candies are inside.
- Wait! Let me check the book.
- [Cackles] - Ah, she seems nice.
I'm gonna go with my gut and trust her.
- You're probably right.
[Cackles] Sweep faster! It's almost time for your beating! Oh, this is horrible! Horribly delicious.
[Chomping] You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Eh.
What are you gonna do? - Well, at least stop basting yourself.
- Mmm.
Stop your chattering and sweep! This house is filthy! - So what do you care? It's not like you have friends.
- I have a boyfriend.
- [Scoffs] Sure.
- Yeah, right.
- What? I do! - Oh, yeah? What's his name? Uh, George Cauldron.
George Cauldron? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle.
[Snickering] - That's it! Into the oven with you! - [Screaming] [Shouting] - Ah! - What? Mmm.
Sugar walls.
Father, I knew you'd rescue us! Oh, rescue you, stuff myself with candy- It's all good.
Oh, that's a load-bearing candy cane, you clumsy oaf! - Ha! - [Screams] [Whimpering, Screaming] - [Gasps] - [Shouts] - Ooh.
Huh? - [Speaking Foreign Language] Yah! [Gasps] Aw.
Ah, is that all you got? Huh? Huh? - [Grunting] - [Groans] [Sniffing] Mmm, fish.
Oh, no! That's me! [Yelps] Get me out of here! Get- Get- Get out- - [Doorbell Rings] - Just a minute! [Grunting] [Screams] Oh, God, no! Let me out! I couldn't be in more pain! [Screams] Ah! Ah! [Laughing] [Sighs] Oh! Uh, hello.
I'm George Cauldron.
- Is Suzanne ready yet? - Almost.
Just give her another 20 minutes.
[Laughing] Yeah, but the concert's at 8:00.
- [Chomping] - Mmm.
Mmm.
Well, we're still poor.
But thanks to your father, we'll never go hungry.
Speaking of which, how about seconds? Comin' up! ## [Humming] [Panting, Straining] [Speaking Gibberish] [Screams] [Crowd Exclaiming] Let's give Snorky a big hand! - [Chittering] - Whoo! Yea, Snorky! Now we're gonna need a volunteer to frolic with Snorky.
So raise your hand if you wanna be- [Clamoring] [Shrieks, Whines] Oh, Snorky.
[Man] Folks, we're heating up the lobster tank so hurry on over if you want to pet 'em before you eat 'em.
[Chattering] It's okay.
They're gone now.
You could- Hey, where you going? [Chittering] [Dolphins Calling] - [Chittering] - Oh.
You want to be with your friends.
- Uh- - [Squeaks] Oh.
[Alarm Buzzing] It's getting away.
Kill it! Go on! Swim to freedom! Go! - [Squeaking] - [Guns Cocking] - Ahh! - [Chittering] [Groans] Ew, yech! [Chittering] [Squeaking] [Squeaking] Ah! Mmm.
Alcohol and night swimming.
It's a winning combination.
Ooh.
Uh-oh.
Sharks- the assassins of the sea! - [Chittering] - Ooh.
Hey, you're not sharks.
You're dolphins- the clowns of the sea.
Ow! Ow! Hey, what's the gag? [Screaming] Ooh! Ooh! [Muffled Shouting] Hmm.
Bottlenose bruises, blowhole burns, flipper-prints.
This looks like the work of rowdy teens.
Lou, cancel the prom.
Arr! It begins.
The dolphins are upon us.
And only this old sea dog knows how to stop the-Arr! Rarr! [Squeaking] [Laughing] [Chittering] - ## [Chanting] - ## [Repeating Chanting] [Wailing] - [Chitters] - ## [Chanting Continues] Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese and a party-size bucket of flan.
[Squeaking] Yes, I will have fries with that.
[Tires Screeching] [Scoffs] Anything to get out of work.
Our top story: Killer dolphins.
- Killer dolphins? - The recent "wave" of murders- [Yelps, Gags] Um, di-did I say killer dolphins? I meant killer Italians.
Gray, bottlenosed, intelligent Italians.
Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong.
[Quietly] It's dolphins.
We have to stop them.
If we speak in low-frequency voices, I don't think they can- Ow! - [Gasping] - Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem.
We've gotta warn Grampa! [Beeping] - [Busy Signal] - Hmm.
Phone's off the hook.
Everything must be okay.
[Straining] Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'! - [Chattering] - [Gavel Raps] People, please! We're all frightened and horny.
But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring! - [Squeaking] - [Gasping] - [Squeaking Continues] - Willie, must you do that now? Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get! [Screams] Oh.
[Guns Cock] - [Shuddering] - [Gasps] [Growls] [Chittering] - It's approaching the podium! - Surely it cannot speak! [High-pitched Voice] Snorky talk man.
[Clears Throat] [Lower Voice] I'm sorry.
Let me start over.
Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
- [Gasping] - What did he say? - He said dolphins used to live on the land.
- Whaaa- Then your ancestors drove us into the sea where we've suffered for millions of years.
But you seemed so happy in the ocean.
All that playful leaping- [Scoffs] We were trying to get out.
It's cold, it's wet.
Every morning I wake up phlegmy.
- Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
- [Gasps] That was you? It was her, all right! Take the one who wronged you.
I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea! [Gasping] Yeah! - [Chattering] - [Krusty] Pushy dolphins.
- L-l-I tuned out.
Where-Where we going? - Wait! Stop! We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget we invented computers leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp the glory hole and the pudding cup.
I'm not gonna let a few hoop-jumping tuna-munchers push me around! - [Grunts] Uh-oh.
- [Gasping] [Dolphin Squeaks] [Squeaking] [Growls] Geez.
So many dolphins.
[Squeaking] - [Whimpering] - Oh, no.
You poor thing.
Here.
Ow! Son of a- Hey, leave my daughter alone! Come on, humans! We've wiped out entire species before! We can do it again! [Cheering] [Shouting] Oh, help! [Groans] Ooh! If I could just- Ooh! This is really not- Ooh! You're hurting my- Ooh! - [Growls] - [Shouting] - [Screams] - [Gasps] Come on, lads! Let's drive 'em back to the ocean! [Shouting] [Bell Clanging] Well, you gotta hand it to those dolphins.
They just wanted it more.
I kinda wish I hadn't freed their leader and, you know- [Chuckles] Doomed mankind.
Oh, honey, I wouldn't say "doomed.
" It's gonna be an adjustment, no question.
But- Ugh! Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show! Are you sure the space-phone is working? - [Dial Tone] - Hang up.
They could be trying to call right now! I knew we should've sent them a muffin basket.
- [Rings] - [Gasps] Kang and Kodos Productions.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Just a second.
Do we want to do a commercial for something called "Old Navy"? Eh, work is work.
[Woman Screaming]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  A Tale of Two Springfields
The Simpsons s12e02 Episode Script
A Tale of Two Springfields
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Whoopee Cushion Farts] - [Whimpers] - [Laughs] Here you go, boy.
Soup's on.
- [Growling] - Whoa! [Whimpering] Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hey, if you're out here, then who's in there? - [Growling] - Whoa, a badger! Sorry, man.
You can't crash here.
Come on, let's go.
- [Snarling] - [Whimpering] - Well, boy, looks like you got yourself a roommate.
- [Whimpering Intensifies] [Grunting] Come on, Lise.
There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.
Com "Badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles and marmots.
" Hmm, stoats.
Stoats.
Stoats are weasels, Bart.
They don't come in cans.
- Then what's this? - That says "corn," Bart.
- Must you embarrass me? - Here we are.
- " In a pinch, badgers have been known to eat woodpeckers.
" - Perfect! Hey, Todd.
Can we borrow your woodpecker? I guess so.
But we need him back by 6:00.
It's his birthday.
- Okay.
- [Squawks] - ## [Humming] - [Growling] [Squawking] - [Yelling] Ow! - [Laughs Like Woody Woodpecker] [Squawks, Gurgles] - [Both] Hmm.
- ## [Humming] - Television broken? - No.
There's a badger in there.
Badger, my ass.
It's probably Milhouse.
Milhouse.
Milhouse! - [Snarling] - [Screaming] [Gasping, Whimpering] It's a badger, all right, or possibly a griffin.
- Do you have any dynamite? - Tons.
- Get it.
- No, Dad.
We don't want to kill him.
- Let's call Animal Control.
- Great idea.
Then we should call the doctor about this.
- How did the badger do that without ripping your shirt? - What am I, a tailor? [Humming] Hmm! - [Beeping] - ## [Humming Continues] - [Line Rings, Out-Of-Service Tone] - Hmm? [Female Voice] Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
- Please make sure you have the correct area code.
- Area code? But it's a local call.
The phone company ran out of numbers so they split the city into two area codes.
Half the town keeps the old 636 area code, and our half gets 939.
What the hell is that? Oh, my life is ruined! Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
Oh, if only it were that easy, Marge.
- [Growling] - Go away! We got bigger problems now! I'm not gonna stand for this.
I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody! - [Beeping] - [Line Rings] - [Out-Of-Service Tone] - [Whimpering] [Tone Repeating] I hate this new area code.
Like I don't have enough to remember already.
Is that right? Don't you miss the old 636 Carl? I'm not sure which one's better.
The six is closer to the three, so you got convenience there.
But the nine has less to do with Satan, which is a plus in this religious world of ours.
What really burns me up is they didn't give us one word of warning! What do you mean? They ran those TV commercials about it and that big radio campaign.
Don't forget the leaflets they dropped from the space shuttle.
And the two weeks we all spent at area code camp.
Not a single word of warning.
And traffic's all backed up due to a mattress on the freeway.
A mattress? Uh-oh.
Joan Collins must be in town.
[Both Laughing] - [Recorded Voice] Oh, behave! - [Laughing] Joan Collins? That girl sleeps with everybody! Okay, time to give away free concert tickets.
[Gary Coleman] What you talkin' about? [Chuckles] What we're talking about, Gary, is the Who! We're giving away tickets to next week's concert at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena! [Gasps] The Who? I love bands! And now we'll dial our big winner at random.
[Vocal Group] # Dialing at random # Okay, let's start with 5-5-5 - [Groaning] - 0-1-1 and 3.
[Gasps] That's my number! - [Line Rings] - [Radio: Man On Phone] Ahoy-hoy! Hey, that's not me.
Dad, we're not in their area code anymore.
Congratulations! You're gonna rendezvous with the Who! Ohh! It's not fair! I've been a fan of the Who since the very beginning when they were the Hillbilly Bugger Boys! - You should call that radio station and let 'em have it! - Good idea! - [Beeping] - [Out-Of-Service Tone] - [Laughing] - Why, you little- - [Growling] - [Gagging] Ow! Ow! Ow! [Both Panting] I know that some of you are upset about the area code change especially those of you covered with dynamite.
First, let me reassure you your fears are groundless and your complaints moronic.
- [Moe] That's good.
- This film will explain everything to you in words that you can understand.
## [Upbeat] Hi.
I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company.
I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in [Announcer] Your town.
Has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.
Uh, I have a question, Phoney.
- It's a movie, Dad.
- Quiet, honey.
Daddy's asking the man a question.
You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are great "and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees but how will I remember all those numbers?" Whoa! Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize 10 numbers.
Are you stupider than a monkey? - How big of a monkey? - [Laughing] - Of course you're not.
- ## [Sting] Well, I'm convinced.
A professional-looking film like that has gotta be right.
I agree.
Two area codes is more convenient.
- [Grampa] I like it! - Wait a minute! We haven't heard from me yet, the nut with the dynamite! - The phone company is bamboozling you! - [Murmuring, Chattering] I accuse the phone company of making that film on purpose! - Well, of course we did.
- [All Gasping] Now, I'm not one to make trouble but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old or "classic," 636 area code lives on the rich side of town! - Oh, poppycock! - I never! - Eeeww.
And as usual, weJoe Twelve-Packs get the royal screw-job! Homer's right! We're gettin' theJoan Collins special! - He's right! - We're gettin' it but good! Well, I've had it! You rich snobs aren't pushing us around anymore! And what are you pathetic slobs going to do about it? Well, l- [Grunts] Huh? [Grunting Continues] - Oh, nice wiring, Bart! - Worked on the test corpse.
Okay, plan "B.
" Fellow 939'ers, I say we break off and form our own city! - Yes! - We're with you, Homer! - Come on! Let's go! - [All Cheering] Viva la revoluciÃ³n! [Homer] Now who's stupid? There.
We're officially a city.
Now we just sit back and wait for an N.
F.
L.
Franchise.
[Whistling] Say, I couldn't help but overhear.
I represent the Arizona Cardinals.
- Keep walking.
- [Grumbling] Good decision there, Homer.
You showed a lot of poise.
Yeah.
Maybe you oughta be mayor of New Springfield.
Mayor, eh? [Gunshots] [Announcer] The Mayor.
Starring Homer Simpson.
I reluctantly accept this highly-paid, glamorous job.
Presenting our new plaque.
I say the time for bitterness has passed.
Let us extend to our brothers in New Springfield the olive branch of- - [Quimby Groans] - New Springfield rocks! - [All Laughing] - Go ahead and laugh.
- We have a better town bird.
- Oh, yeah? What is it? - The bluebird.
- Damn it.
More wheat cakes, Mr.
Mayor? Read my lips- Yes.
Dad, you got syrup on your sash.
No problem.
- If you ask me- - Stop right there.
It's stupid to divide the city over something as silly as an area code.
It would be like you and Mom splitting up every time you have a fight.
Sweetie, you know your mother and I only stay together for the sake of my political career.
- That's not true! - Big grins.
- [Shutter Clicks] - That'll play great in the sticks.
[Humming] Oh, that was 50 already? Go long! [Groaning] Hey, look what I found.
A novelty flying disk.
Give it back! That's my novelty flying disk.
You're in Olde Springfield now! Everything on this side of the park belongs to us! - Hey, his pants are in our park too! - Get him! [Grunting] [All Laughing] My homework is in your park.
- Let's do it! - Yoink! What does freedom mean to me? All right.
Root beer, bananas and toilet paper.
Fifty percent out-of-towners' tax.
Out-of-towner tax? I'm sorry, Mrs.
Simpson, but we have to charge you foreign devils more.
All right.
But this better be the best toilet paper I've ever had.
Oh, no worries there.
That's Henderson's toilet paper! Ooh! Why didn't you say so? - Hey, is there a bathroom here? - Not for you.
[Groans] I don't know why, but I just didn't feel comfortable until I was back here in New Springfield with my own kind.
- Mom! - They were looking at me with their eyes.
As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster.
Hey, the TV man is talking about us.
A study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work.
How the hell did they find that out? Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute.
" Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! - You c'mere a minute! - Oh, yeah? Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea.
Thank you, Marge.
Now let's see how Olde Snob-field does without electricity.
- [Generators Slowing] - Whoo-hoo! Oh, no.
You can't do heart surgery in the dark! - Sounds like a wager to me.
- I'll take a piece of that.
I will now transport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day.
[Male Computer Voice] Warning! Power failure! Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin! Oh, good God! Hey, wait, wait, wait! Ow! Oh! Oh! Sir Isaac's legs are hurting! In retaliation for the power outage Olde Springfield patriots have intercepted a beer truck bound for New Springfield and dumped all the beer in the river.
Those rich, snobby Indians.
[All Grunting] - There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
- I don't know.
Vengeance is good.
[Homer] Whoo-hoo! Blood for water! They got us now! Without water, we're doomed! Wait a minute.
What's that gold-colored substance in the riverbed? Why, that's gold.
[Laughing] - We're slightly richer! - [Cheering] Eureka! With the money made from the gold Olde Springfield was able to buy the Evian water factory and fly it over here from France.
- Ohh! - Thanks, Mayor Simpson.
Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! - [Crew Members Laughing] - What? We can't go on fighting with Olde Springfield! These people are our neighbors.
We see them every day.
You're right! We've got to block them from our sight with a giant wall! - Like the one in Berlin? - Good idea.
We should call the guys they used.
[Beeping] - [Line Ringing] - [Out-Of-Service Tone] - Homer.
- It's ringing! [Out-Of-Service Tone Continues] And I'd like to thank Low Ball Construction for building this amazing wall from 90% recycled materials.
[Crowd Applauding] - I'm so conflicted.
- About what? Loyal citizens of New Springfield you stayed on my side of town despite a total lack of hospitals and schools and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.
How will we get our food? All the roads are blocked.
- [Murmuring, Chattering] - Don't worry.
We have plenty of supplies to get through tomorrow.
And then a wave of disease should help to- Hey! Stop streaming over the wall! At least wait till I'm through talking.
Okay.
Now as for food, the following breeds of dog are edible- - See ya! - [Barney] Bye, Homer! - [Groans] - [Groans] Oh! I can't believe all those rats fled my town.
Guess it's just us and the tumbleweed.
Oh! Well, Dad, you're mayor of a ghost town.
I can't believe those traitors abandoned us.
They couldn't take one lousy famine.
- [Grunts] - Dad, you're bleeding! No problem.
[Humming] Anyhow, those rats will come crawling back.
Ha-ha.
We've got the Who playin'here tonight.
Dad, the arena's in Olde Springfield.
- D'oh! - Don't give up, Dad.
Maybe we can get the Who to play here instead.
Hey, maybe we could.
But we'll need some liquid persuasion.
[Grunts] Come on, Bart.
We're gonna bring back the Who! [Groans] [Bell Dings] - [Gasps] - Can I help you? - Uh- - Dad! The chloroform! Huh? Oh, right.
I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to the Who.
- D'oh! - Oh, so you wanna see the Who, huh? Well, I'll take you to the Who.
Here's your Who! ## [Guitar Chord] - I thought we fired that guard.
- Oh, yeah.
Right.
I got fired by the Who.
Whatever you say, pal.
[Whistles] Wacko.
Wow.
The Who! [Giggles] Whoo! Rock and roll! [Grunting] - What the hell are you doing? - Duh! Trashing the hotel room.
But we promised the desk clerk we'd be good.
Yeah.
We don't want to lose our pool privileges.
Whatever.
The point is, I'm Homer Simpson.
- The mayor of New Springfield? - That's right.
- The crazy mayor of New Springfield? - That's right.
And I implore you to move your concert to our town.
Don't play Olde Springfield or as it is sometimes known, Sun City.
But we have a handshake agreement with a concert promoter and that's a sacred bond.
[All] Sacred bond.
Come on.
What happened to the angry, defiant Who of"My Generation" "Won't Get Fooled Again" And "Mama's Got a Squeeze Box"? We know our songs, Homer.
But those Olde Springfield squares are just gonna make you cut your hair, turn down your music and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge.
Keith Partridge? Who huddle! [All Murmuring] - We'll do it! - Yeah! - Just send a cab for us.
- Is something wrong with your legs? You're right.
The walk will do us good.
I opened for the Who at Woodstock.
I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele.
Hendrix said he almost plotzed.
His exact words.
Oh, I never tire of that story.
Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square.
Uh, that crease is in your leg, sir.
[Chuckles] Oh, so it is.
Yes.
[Cheering] Hmm.
It's not like the Who to be tardy.
I'm worried.
- ## [Rock] - What's that? Yarrr! 'Tis the Who.
By my reckoning, they're in the scurvy depths of New Springfield.
Homer stole our rock performance! That fat, dumb and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.
Who's ready to riot? - ## [Continues] - [Shouting, Yelling] I won't get to get what I'm after Till the day I die [Ends] - How you doing out there, New Springfield? - [Cheering] To be honest, it's a little chilly- - Oww! - [Roger Daltrey] Get out of the way, Marge.
We were expecting a bigger crowd, Homer.
Don't worry.
They'll be here.
And then they'll see who's got the better town.
Now, these are the tunes I want you boys to play.
Wait a minute.
Homer! A lot of these are Grand Funk Railroad songs! And we don't know "Pac-Man Fever.
" Oh, come on.
It plays itself! Pac-Man fever Doo-doo-doo-doo It's a-driving me crazy Look, Lisa.
Daddy's in the Who.
Ooh! [Chuckles] - ## [Vocalizing] - ## [Dissonant Chords] Oww! Give us back our concert, Simpson! So, New Springfield's looking pretty good now, isn't it with our ample parking and daily Who concerts? - Daily? - We'll talk.
All right, enough chitchat.
Let's see how you like flaming garbage! [Shouting, Yelling] Ha-ha.
#You hit the tire fire # You'll have to do- Oww! Oh, why me? Oh, oww! [Hooting] People, please, what's all this fighting about? Apparently they have two different area codes.
Well, I'll be chuggered.
That's the sticky wicket? Why not just buy telephones with auto ring-up? Or as you Yanks call it, "speed dial.
" [Excited Chattering] - Radio Shack has some great ones.
- Oh, says you.
- "Magic Bus"! - [All] Yeah, "Magic Bus"! Okay! We'll play "Magic Bus" if you tear down this wall! "Pinball Wizard"! Oh, hell.
I'll do it meself.
["Won't Get Fooled Again"] - [Groaning] - ## [Continues] - [Cheering] - #Yeah # # I tip my hat to the new constitution # Take a bow for the new revolution - ## [Continues] - Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over.
My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea- [Moans] Just like yesterday # When I get on my knees and pray # # Yeah # ## [Continues] - [Growling] - # Meet the new boss # # Same as the old boss # [Whimpers] ## [Ends] - [Out-Of-Service Tone] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Insane Clown Poppy
The Simpsons s12e03 Episode Script
Insane Clown Poppy
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Chuckles] This watermelon won't know what hit it.
I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.
[Homer and Bart Laughing] Don't you two have a list of chores to do? Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden.
Yeah.
We're heroes.
But where's our parade? [Groans] All right.
"Open stuck drawer.
" All righty.
[Grunts] - It's hopeless.
- Or is it? - Yeah, it's hopeless.
- I said, "Or is it?" I said, "It-" Oh.
- [Chuckles] - Homer, what are you doing? Listen, do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast? Well, like all Americans, fast.
But- Clear! Hmm.
Well, you can't argue with results.
Oh, baby.
- [Chuckles] - [Whimpers] Oh, don't worry.
You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse.
- Target date: January 2007.
- [Groans] [Whimpering] And now, the grand finale.
"Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR.
" Whoops.
Wait a minute.
There.
Fire in the hole! Hmm.
It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.
[Gasps] What's going on here? Uh, honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
- Oh, yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room.
- [Explosion] Oh, Lisa.
This must be a rough time for you.
Do you have any friends or family you can stay with? You've ruined all my stuff.
Oh, come on.
Tell us how we can make it up to you.
Hey, pretend it's your birthday! - It is my birthday! - That's the spirit.
Now what do you want to do? Well, the book festival starts today- Anything at all.
You name it.
What do you want to do? [Homer] Stupid Lisa.
Hear ye! Hear ye! One dollar off on all poetry books! - All right! - [Chattering] Their hands were everywhere.
[Reverend Lovejoy] Hello, Simpsons.
Care to try a sample from my new cookbook- Someone's in the Kitchen with Jesus.
Mmm! These stigmuffins are to die for.
Oh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm.
Ooh, okay.
Mmm! [Grunts] So, Mr.
King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now? Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
Oh, that's too bad.
I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin.
He's a fascinating man.
He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men.
And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of hell! Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
Will do.
Hey, with my Info Cram 6000 you can absorb books instantly by attaching this electrode to the brainpan and this one to the loins! Tolstoy searing brain- With my diet, you can eat all you want anytime you want.
- And you lose weight? - Uh, you might.
It's a free country.
Finally, books for today's busy idiot.
Network Programming for Dummies.
Christianity for Dummies.
Mo- Moby Dick? "Call me Ishmael, dummy.
" How did you write all these books? Duh, I don't know.
Me gotta go to bank now.
Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading Goodnight Moon.
"Good night, room.
Good night, moon.
Good night, cow jumping over the moon.
" [Whimpering] Please, children, scooch closer.
Don't make me tell you again about the scooching.
You in the red, chop-chop.
Hmm.
[Laughs] Eh.
All right, does anyone have a question for our panel - that's not about how much money they make? - Uh, yeah.
I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know is the B-2 bomber more detectable when it rains? - Oh.
What do you think, Tom Clancy? - Well, the B-2- No, no, no.
I was asking Maya Angelou.
The ebony fighter awakens dappled with the dewy beads of morn.
- Maya Angelou is black? - It is a Mach-five child forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of Congress.
Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure.
Ms.
Tan, I loved TheJoy Luck Club.
It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity.
No.
That's not what I meant at all.
You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.
- But- - Please, just sit down.
I'm embarrassed for both of us.
Mmm.
[Gasps] Ew.
[Chuckles] Book writing, what a scam, huh? It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me.
What's your name again? - John Updike.
- Whoa, whoa.
I didn't ask for your life story.
So you really know Krusty? What's he like? Oh, he's wonderful.
He would do anything for his fans.
[Krusty] Hurry up, kid.
- Name? - Hey, it's me, Bart.
- Your biggest fan.
- Hey, good for you, 'cause I wanna uh, know that all my fans are, you know- "K the C"? Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day! Now if you could bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, yeah.
- Name? - My name is Sophie.
- Hey, good luck with that.
- I'm your daughter.
- What? - I finally found my daddy.
Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself.
- [Laughs] - Shut up, Updike! Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy.
But I'm just a simple TV legend.
Here, have a key chain.
No.
I'm sure you're my father.
You met my mom during the Gulf War.
- Ohh.
Was your mother an Israeli flight attendant? - No.
- Cokie Roberts? - No, she was a soldier.
Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy, Oh! Oh, boy.
Now it's coming back to me.
- [Applauding] - [Rimshot] Saddam Hussein? They should call him "So-Damn-Insane!" Hey! You're just fanning the flames of hatred! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Chuckles] Now just when you thought the desert couldn't get any hotter it's the Cincinnati Bengals cheerleaders! Hey, I can't look at that! I have a girlfriend back home! This is an insult to our Muslim hosts! [Krusty Narrating] During the show, a desert wind kicked up.
I sought shelter in a nearby tent.
Huh? Ohh.
There was your mother looking like a beautiful mirage.
Maybe it was the anthrax in the air.
Maybe it was the fact the Arab women weren't bitin'.
Whatever it was, it was magic.
We slept late into the morning.
And then- My God! I'm late for my mission! Here's your mission.
Get down with the clown.
- Oh, come on, baby.
- No, not now! - I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam! - Wait a minute! You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act! - No, stop! - No! [All] No! I just saved my baseball bit.
"Who-say-in's on first, lya-toll-ya's on second and-" Aah! Stupid clown! When I came to, she was gone, and the war had been over for eight months.
Anyway, how'd you finally find me? All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown.
So I typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine and your name popped right up.
- [Horn Honks] - [Sophie] It's Mom! Hey, how you been? Remember me? - [Engine Revving] - [Chuckles] You better get going.
It was nice meeting you.
Thanks for coming out.
But I was hoping maybe we could do some stuff together, like go to the beach and junk.
Look, you're a sweet kid.
But I'm not exactly father material.
I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, l- What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something? Oh, all right.
- You get one trip to the beach with my assistant.
- Mmm.
- Okay, I'll take you.
- Yea! Dear Lord, bless this humble meal.
And did you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I mean, I knew he was a player, but geez, a kid? Homer, that's not a prayer.
That's gossip.
Fine.
I'll just discuss heavenly matters.
So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playin' the field? Ooh! Yeah, really? All those guys? Amen.
[Humming] Okay, kid, there's the water.
Knock yourself out.
Come on, Dad.
Let's go bodysurfing or boogie boarding.
Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things or says stuff, or looks at you, but the love is there.
Where are you? Give Daddy a clue.
Aw, that's my girl.
Okay, you just sit there and I'll throw the Frisbee to you.
Ohh! I gotta sit up now? Ohh! What am I, Baryshnikov? Ohh! [Chuckles] Hey, you beat me! What a great day we've had, huh? You know, for a clown, you're not really a lot of fun.
- Ohh.
- [Sighs] Boy, fatherhood is one tough gig.
I don't get how other guys do it.
Ready, switch! Hey, uh, careful, boys.
That arch is looking a little Romanesque.
Sorry, Daddy.
How should I punish myself? No, Son.
You let 'em finish, then you smash it.
That's a good boy.
- Mush, Homer! Mush! - Catch, Dad! Catch! [Chuckles] Okay, that stings daddy's eyes, honey.
Hmm.
I think I found my mentor.
[Bart] Heads up! You know, Homer, I've spent my whole life entertaining kids.
But I just realized I don't know the first thing about 'em.
Well, I won't lie.
Fatherhood isn't easy- like motherhood- but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Except for some mag wheels.
Oh, man.
That would be sweet.
[Lisa] Dad! Dad! Just a second, honey! Daddy's on his high horse! - Dad! - Yeah, I'm watching, honey! Nice cannonball! Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't overthink, because overthinking is, um- What were we talking about? Ooh, a clown! [Chuckles] # Well, I like that girl # # She's the cutest little thing I know # # Plus, she likes me back # # And all mine from head to toe # # Yeah, she never makes me wonder when it comes to that # # Well, my head's in a whirl because I like that girl # # At a beauty contest # # She's the kindjust couldn't lose She ain't lost one yet ## Kid, I gotta admit.
You're starting to grow on me.
Same here, Dad.
It's nice that you don't always have to be on.
I thought I was on! When was I off? That bit about the tide pool? I tell ya, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.
Dad, relax.
Just enjoy the sunset.
[Classical] Hey, I know that song.
My dad used to play that when I was a boy.
- [Sobs] It's beautiful.
- Do you play? No.
I guess musical talent skips a generation, like diabetes.
You might want to watch out for that too.
Mom, I had the best time.
Can Dad come in for milk and cookies? Why I'd love to- Ohh! [Mumbles] [Krusty Groans] Oskar Homolka! [Nervous Chuckle] That's okay.
I think I'll go somewhere friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny.
[Laughs] Zoom! My little girl's sharp as a tack.
I tried the "got your nose" bit on her, didn't fool her for a second.
My uncle still has my nose.
Hmm? Ohh, ohh, ohh! [Mumbles] Oh, what a- ha, ha- lousy hand.
I'll stand.
I raise two G's.
- I'm out.
- Fold-o-rama.
- Can we make this hand high-low? - No.
- I fold.
- Krusty, are you in or are you out? Oh, man.
I'm totally tapped.
Would you consider taking my Rolex? - You mean this one? - Oh, yeah.
Right.
Just let me go to my car.
A weema-way A weema-way - #A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-# - Don't do that.
Hmm? Let's see, a sweater a custom floor mat- the stereo! - [Alarm Blaring] - [Female Computer Voice] Theft alert.
Deploy air bag.
Yaah! [Groans] Best hand of my life and I can't even- Huh? Sophie's violin.
Oh, no, I couldn't! Do it, do it do it, do it - # She'll never know ## - Ahh! - Hmm.
- ## [Notes] [Screech] Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value's through the roof.
It is acceptable.
Then I'm in and I call! Four aces! - Read 'em and- - Straight flush! Oh, no! Oh, no! You can't! My daughter will never forgive me! [Humming] Oh, wait.
Now I can do it for real.
[Sad Tune] [Continues] - ## [Ends] - Hey.
- [Doorbell Rings] - Hey, hey, Dad! Hey, hey! Now look, Sophie, I know you think your daddy's perfect.
- No, I don't.
- But I did a bad thing.
I lost your violin in a poker game.
- You what? - But don't worry! I got you an even better one! - This is a ukulele.
- Yeah, the thinking man's violin.
Check it out.
I want to go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii - I want my violin.
- But honey, l- [Mumbling] I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
Wait! Time out! Four aces is not a gamble.
Mom was right.
I was better off not knowing you.
[Sighs] Word on the street is you dumped Dawson.
He's history, Jenda.
Wait till he sees me with that new exchange student.
Hola, Harmony.
Â¿Que es el dilly-yo? I'm all for ethnic diversity, but this is just pandering.
Maybe so.
But Dawson's gonna be bummed.
You gotta help me! My daughter found out I'm a jerk! Oh, Krusty.
I'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.
- Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment? - Sure, go ahead.
- [Bell Rings] - Come on! Get- Get in there! - [Buzzer] - D'oh! Stupid game! - Now what were we talking about? - My daughter's violin! Oh, right.
Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back? Really? You'd help me take on the mob? For a casual acquaintance like you? Absolutely.
It's some kind of Mafia summit! Every mob family in the country's here.
The Cuomos, the Travoltas, the Lasordas, the Boyardees.
This is perfect.
If I know Fat Tony, which I don't he'll be distracted by his hosting duties.
- Come on! - [Thuds] [Chuckles] Idiots.
[Both Whimpering] Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight.
Maybe we should look up.
Nah.
For me it's solar or nothin'.
[Both Sigh] [Grunts] Welcome to my home.
To answer your first question, yes, we do have pasta.
Hey, all right.
I love pasta.
That's good.
If you need money laundered, just set it outside your door.
- You can pick it up in the morning.
- Oh, hey! - Beautiful.
- Now some unpleasant news.
I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer.
We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer.
Okay, it's me! I can't help it! I just like squealin'! It makes me feel big! All right, come on.
You're history.
The violin's gotta be around here somewhere.
- Had enough, Squealer? - [Spits] Did you know Fat Tony's real name is Marion? You just don't get it, do ya? [Krusty] Bingo! - D'oh! - D'oh! Oh, it's gonna take forever to go through all of these.
I have a plan.
Well, that didn't work.
- [Man] Hey, Legs.
Let's gojump on Tony's bed.
- [Legs] Sure.
- Uh-oh! - We gotta get outta here.
Just take 'em all! Then it's decided.
Our Web site name will be crime.
Org.
- I think we're in the clear.
- [Clears Throat] Homer, I got it! - Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? - I ain't sayin' nothin'.
- But what do I tell the doctor? - Tell him to suck a lemon.
- ## [Violin: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'"] - [Gasps] - [Gasps] - Hey.
You did it! You got it back! Thanks, Dad.
Dad.
That still sounds weird to me.
But I'm glad we're friends again.
- [Gasps] And you've lined the case with money.
- Huh? Small bills, unmarked and nonsequential.
Holy samolians! There must be five grand in there! Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you.
Hey, you lucky little Hamantaschen, you.
Come on.
How about a tune for the old man? - ## [Violin] - [Gunshots] That's him! That's the one! Homer Simpson! - [Gunshots] - I said I was sorry.
- All right.
Fair enough.
- Class act.
Sorry you're such jerks! Ha, ha! [Screams] - [Gunshots Continue] - [Homer] Ow! Ow! That bullet went in! # Just like Cinderella # # The prince solved the mystery # # Well, I conducted the test myself# # And that slip looks just the right size for me # # Well, I like that girl # # She's the cutest little thing I know # # Plus, she likes me back # # And all mine from head to toe # # Yeah, she never makes me wonder when it comes to that # # Well, my head's in a whirl because I like that girl # ## [Ends] Shh.
- [Man Laughing] - [Krusty] Shut up, Updike!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Lisa the Treehugger
The Simpsons s12e04 Episode Script
Lisa the Treehugger
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Giggling] Five, four, three, two, one.
Well, that's all the time we have.
- So long, kids! [Goofy Laugh] - [Cheering] [Announcer] Krusty the Clown is brought to you by the new Gamestation 256.
It's slightly faster to the max! 256? [Groans] And I'm stuck with this useless 252.
[Mechanical Voice] Don't destroy me.
I can still make you happy to the max! Here's a headline forJay.
"Ketchup Truck Hits Hamburger Stand.
" [Laughs] Mom, can I have 200 bucks for a 256-K Gamestation? - That's less than a dollar a K.
- Oh, I might be able to help you- - with a song about thrift! - ## [Reference Note] When you get a penny from a chum Don't just buy some bubble gum Put it in your cap, Put it in your cap When you find a nickel in the snow Don't just blow it on a picture show - # Put it in your cap, Put it in your cap # - I don't have a cap.
- #When you spy a quarter in a pie-## - [Groans] You want money? Get a job like your old man.
Well, maybe I should.
- So now you're smarter than your old man, huh? - I guess.
I like your attitude.
Take what you need.
[Groans] [Bell Jingles] Nice day's work, kid.
This is for you.
You're paying me in hair? Are you insane? [Chuckling] [Moaning] Man, I need a job.
You need job? I have job for you.
You take these.
You hang Thai menu on door.
I get more business.
Send daughters to small liberal arts college- Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence.
Call professors by first name.
Hah! - Dynamite! - Hang 'em on the door.
Got it.
- ## [Whistling] - Hey, hey! No menus- Or I'll cut you like a box along the flaps! [Moans, Pants] You quitter! Quitter boy! Quitter boy! - I'm sorry.
- Now restaurant fail children go to state college.
Serious students powerless against drunken "jockocracy.
" Baseball hats everywhere! Hey, man, this job is too dangerous.
Menu boy no be coward like shrimp.
Menu boy be brave like prawn.
Menu boy must move silently like ghost.
Leave no footprint, only lunch specials.
- Hai! - [Grunting] [Snarling] Hmm? [Chattering, Gasping] Well, I never! Ah! What a waste.
[Splashing] [Gasps] There you go, little fish.
Ohh.
Bart, do you know how many trees died to make those menus? - I don't know.
A million? - You're ruining the earth! True, but I "gots" to get paid.
Money was funny, Sister.
[Sighing] Oh, Betty.
Bart, it's so sweet of you to take the family out to Krusty Burger.
Hey, some people in this family are doers, and some are "don't-ers.
" Don't you call me a- Ugh.
- Take that, Lisa's beliefs! - [Laughing] Oh, how cute! Kids, look who's on the roof.
I knew this day would come.
The cows are taking back what's theirs.
No.
I think they're protestors.
Hey, there are cows on the roof.
I thought my pager was busted.
- [Horn Honking] - Get back in.
It's only funny with a small car.
[All Grumbling] [Sirens Blaring] [Together] Take down the clown! Take down the clown! Listen, I'm on your side.
Let's get a dialogue going.
Take out the mother cow.
The rest will follow.
[Man] Your corporation cuts down the rain forest to create grazing land for cattle.
Oh, for the love of- Gimme that! - [Crowd Murmuring] - No, you can't! - Don't worry, honey.
They're just firing beanbags.
- Ow! - Hey, watch it! - You can't silence the truth with beanbags! [Groaning] That's nice work with the "bag-zooka.
" Gotta love what you do, Chief.
Mmm, mmm.
- [Gasps] Are you all right? - [Grunts] I've had worse.
- [Sighs] - In New Orleans, they hosed us with Tabasco.
Oh, you're so heroic.
All right, cow boy.
I'll see you in "moo-nicipal" court.
- [Laughs] Good one, Chief.
- What? What'd I say? I can't believe how young he is.
He'd be cute ifhe weren't so idealistic.
- Mmm.
- [Horn Honks] Look, Marge.
I'm in a limo.
The Simpsons are goin' to Paris.
The "eco-radical" group Dirt First staged a daring protest today at Krusty Burger.
Krusty the Clown has issued the following statement.
"This I don't need.
" The group is led by teenage activistJesse Grass a "dreadlocked" dreamboat whose "Birken stock" is on the rise.
- [Sighing] - [Homer] Boring.
Ah, the Luftwaffe- The Washington Generals of the History Channel.
Dad, change it back.
- Yeah.
That was the boy Lisa likes.
- No, I don't.
Lisa and Jesse sitting in a tree - K-l-S-S-l-N-G- - Shut up.
First comes love, then comes- Um- Damn it, I know this.
I'd like to visit a prisoner.
- Yeah, sure.
- Aren't you coming with me? Hey, I get enough flaming toilet paper thrown on me at home.
[Man] Fire in the hole! - Jesse? - [Exhales] - You do yoga? - Yeah, but I started before it was cool.
My name's Lisa Simpson.
I think your protest was incredibly brave.
Thank you.
This planet needs every friend it can get.
Oh, the earth is the best.
That's why I'm a vegetarian.
[Chuckles] Well, that's a start.
Well, um, I was thinking of going vegan.
[Chuckles] I'm a level-five vegan.
I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.
Wow.
Um- I started an organic compost pile at home.
Only at home? You mean you don't pocket-mulch? Oh, it's so decomposed.
Do you think I could join Dirt First? Well, we might have an opening at the poseur level.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Have a good time at your hippie club.
- You're welcome to come too.
No.
I like to save the environment my own way.
[Tires Squealing] Mmm doughnuts.
I am happy to report we've succeeded in blocking the St.
Patrick's Day Parade which, every year, steps on several lizards.
- Right on! - Yeah! Don't celebrate yet.
The mayor had a secret tree auction last night.
What am I bid for the logging rights to Springfield's oldest redwood tree? $30,000 to make cages for animal experimentation.
Daughter on wait list at Bennington.
to make the world's first drive-through humidor.
Sold to the rich Texan.
Yee-haw! [Whooping] Whoo, doggies! [Whooping] Thanks to Caleb for the tape.
How'd you sneak that camera in? I got my ways.
They can't cut down that sequoia if one of us is living in it.
- Any volunteers? - I'll do it.
- I am so there! - Oh, me, me, me! Whoa.
Hold on.
Once you're up there, you can't come down- - Not for a Phish concert, not even for Burning Man.
- [Clamoring] Well, someone will hear the call and whoever does will have a place in my heart.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs] Sheesh.
Look at these refugees.
How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships.
Well, moping won't make it better.
Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do.
You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing.
Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash.
We don't have a stash.
No.
Of course not.
[Grunts, Gasps] Wow.
Oh, I didn't think it would be so high.
Maybe I could just circulate a petition.
[Clucking] Oh, I'll show you.
[Grunting] [Grunting Continues] [Moans] [Panting] Well, this looks like a good place to set up camp.
Wow! What a view.
- [Vehicles Approaching] - [Birds Screeching] Gentlemen, start your chain saws.
- [Chain Saws Buzzing] - [Lisa] Not so fast! - [Chain Saws Stop] - Now, you come down from there, missy! I won't come down till you spare this tree.
[Brakes Screech] - Hang in there, Laura! - It's Lisa! Right! Lisa.
You're hard core.
Oh, he said I was hard core.
Oh-Whoa! [Moaning] [Grunting] Oh, no! My baby's up there! It's okay, Mom.
I have a safety line.
This is your fault, with your nonthreatening, Bobby Sherman-style good looks.
No girl could resist your charms.
- This was her choice, Mr.
Simpson.
- I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I was lost in your eyes.
[Lisa] All right! A care bucket.
[Grunting] Hot Thai soup! Oh, Bart! "Dear Lisa, you rock.
"Mom is calling rescue agencies "Dad is building a giant ladder "but it is of poor quality.
We miss you.
Bart.
" Aww.
It's day four for Springfield's "li'lest" tree hugger.
[Chuckles] Excuse me.
That's "littlest" tree hugger.
And whether you love or hate her politics you've gotta go gawk at this crazy idiot.
- [Thunderclap] - Oh.
Oh, 7:00.
The family's just sitting down to dinner.
- Aww.
- [Sputtering] You call that saying grace? [Growling] [Thunder Rumbling] Oh, now they're making popcorn and hanging Christmas stockings.
And coloring Easter eggs.
Oh, I can't take it.
Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour? [Grunts] Whoa.
Don't worry.
I'll be right back.
Ew.
Someone's been marking their territory.
- Hey, everybody.
L- - [Homer Snoring] Aww.
I'll just rest here for a minute.
Ahh.
[Babbling] [Gasps] Oh, it's morning! I gotta get back.
[Panting] Ooh.
Oh, no.
Oh, Mom, those loggers chopped down the tree.
Why did I have to leave my post? Now, honey, let's turn on the news and forget our troubles.
Springfield's oldest resident has died.
[Chuckling] No, it wasn't Mr.
Burns.
It was this majestic old redwood which was brutally cut down last night- - [Groans] - Not by loggers, but by lightning- Lightning? Oh! At least it wasn't my fault.
- Lightning attracted by this metal bucket.
- [Groans] Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson.
I'm afraid it doesn't look good, Kent.
We found her sleeping bag right here.
Our working theory is that the lightning exploded her.
- Back to you, Kent.
- You don't get to say that! [Kent Brockman] Good-bye, Lisa.
We'll miss you.
Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back.
- Unless- - Dad, I'm not dead.
Oh, praise God! You're alive.
- Unless- - Oh, my.
They made you a shrine.
I loved Lisa Simpson- Loved her like a shrub.
And I would give anything to see her sweet face again.
Oh! [Giggles] But in death, she will do more for our cause than she ever could have done in life.
Uh-huh.
In Texas, we do tragedy right.
That's why in memory of that poor little girl I'm turning this entire forest into the Lisa Simpson Wilderness Preserve.
We won, Lisa.
We finally won.
This is for you.
[Gasps] He cut off his favorite dread.
- [TV Off] - We have to tell them you're not dead.
No, Mom.
It's a memorial forest now.
If I'm alive, they'll cut it down.
You are not pretending to be dead, young lady.
This family has had nothing but bad luck when it comes to farce.
- [Doorbell Rings] - [Ned] Homer, it's Neddie.
I baked you a little something to ease the pain.
Oh! [Groaning] Must hide Lisa! [High-pitched Voice] Come in.
So, Bart, our school policy is to give students in your situation straight A's.
- Get out! What's the catch? - The tragic loss of your sister.
Ah, yes.
Ghastly business, that.
- Grieving father comin' through.
- Homer, uh, booze is on the house seeing as how Lisa is, um- Oh, how do I put this? Ridin' the midnight train to slab city.
Thanks for the beer, Moe.
But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear.
[Lisa's Voice] Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me I want you to tear up my dad's tab and pour cocktail onions- - Dad, I can't.
- [Homer's Voice] Read it! [Lisa] Pour cocktail onions down your pants.
Well, I ain't never said no to a dead girl yet.
[Groans] And now, Branford Marsalis will play using Lisa's very own saxophone.
Don't touch it! They can clone her from the spit.
- [Sobbing] - [Quimby] Good luck, Milhouse.
And finally, an exciting announcement from our good friends at Omni-Pave.
Folks, last night the dear departed Lisa came to me in a dream and she told me her fondest wish was that this forest would become the world's "rootin'est," "tootin'est," "pollutin'est" amusement park! [Crowd Murmuring] [Apu] It was Lisa's dream.
You promised us a nature preserve.
Now, don't you fret.
We're sensitive to all your "eco-concerns.
" That's it, boys.
The gift shop will go right there.
Yee-haw! Cut it down! [Laughs] - [Lisa] No! - Wha- [Crowd Gasps, Murmurs] [Stammering] A g-g-g-girl! I'm not dead-And neither is my sense of moral outrage.
- Oh, here we go.
- Sir, have you no shame? Clearly, I don't.
[Chittering] Now get your heinie off of Lisa Land! A redwood is not a promotional tool.
Good Lord! He's cutting the guy-wires! [Screams] [Crowd Clamoring] [Cheering] Nice work, tree.
Now return to me.
- I don't get it.
- What? Oh, right- I don't have super powers just yet.
Sweet.
It's headed for the business district.
Not my company! [Screaming] No! It was finger Ling-Ling good.
Whoa! [Together] No! Yee-haw! Score one for the bad guys.
[Laughs] Hey, Lisa.
Aw, Jesse, they locked you up again.
Yeah, but I'm still fighting for the earth.
I even got 'em to install a solar-powered electric chair.
- [Buzzing] - Dude, we've been here all morning.
Could you at least re-moisten my head sponge? Well, I'll write you letters- on rice paper with a soy pencil.
- Aw, you're sweet.
- [Sighs] - Did they ever stop that log? - Not yet.
What's up with that? [Chorus] #This log is your log # # This log is my log # # When lightning struck it # # It kicked the bucket # I poured some onions Inside my trousers [Chorus] #This log, It used to be a tree # - [Horn Blows] - # Now it spreads love to you and me # # Hey, look It's heading out # - # To sea ## - [Dolphins Laughing] ## [Techno Beat] [Man, Indistinct] - [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Homer vs. Dignity
The Simpsons s12e05 Episode Script
Homer vs. Dignity
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] - Whee! - Whoo-hoo! - Ya-haa! - Yee- Oh! D'oh! [Sign Buzzing] Happy first "A" Bart Simpson Happy first "A" To you - Hey! - Yes! Thank you.
Thank you.
Now that our son is an honor student I'm going to get one of those bumper stickers that informs strangers of that fact.
Just a cotton-pickin' minute.
I've been getting A's since Gymboree.
- What do you want? A medal? - You gave Bart one.
- [Chuckles] - Love you.
An "A" in astronomy.
How'd you do it? I just buckled down and studied.
- [Laughs] No, really.
- Well it all started last week in Krabappel's class.
I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard to create an unholy supercreature when I saw an even worse crime against nature.
[Moaning] Ah, head lice inspection day.
While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private "cootie call.
" - Oh, you talk too much.
Let's do it on Martin's desk.
- It is usually the cleanest.
[Moaning] - Oh! - [Bart] I needed to get my mind on something else.
Anything else.
And for the first time in my life, education was the answer.
- "Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars-" - [Skinner] Come on, Edna.
Don't be tardy! "Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.
" So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my brain.
- It was like a whole different kind of cheating.
- Well, we couldn't be prouder.
Excuse me, sir.
Your credit card has been rejected.
- [Computerized Male Voice] Deadbeat.
Deadbeat.
Deadbeat.
- Oh, how embarrassing.
Well, let me just give you one of my many other valid- [Yells] - Run! - [Yelling] They're getting away Stop them, Mary Kay [Jabbering] Okay.
So we can't pay for your precious food.
What are you gonna do about it? # Ba la bamba # # Ba la bamba ## - Can we go now? - No, no.
Your playing, while technically proficient, lacks passion.
Fine.
You want passion? I'll give you passion.
Blue Spanish eyes Teardrops are falling from your Spanish eyes When did this happen? When did we become the bottom rung of society? I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes.
Dad, what happened to the backseat? I had to sell it for gas money.
[Engine Sputtering] Which I spent on a novelty horn.
[Horn: "Charge"] Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
Financial panther, eh? Mr.
Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Get him, Sheba! - [Screaming] - I'm on board.
You haven't set aside anything for the future.
You know how it is with cops.
I'll get shot three days before retirement.
- In the business we call it "retirony.
" - What if you don't get shot? What a terrible thing to say.
Now, look.
You made my wife cry.
Well, I see you have several mortgages credit card debt, no savings, and you're supporting your father? - Just give the word, and I'll cut him off.
- I couldn't ask you to do that.
- Consider it done.
- Based on these figures I'm afraid you'll need to declare bankruptcy several times.
Just look at this projection.
[Homer Gasps] Marge, your posture looks terrible.
What's interesting is you'll continue losing money even after you're dead.
Your grave sites will go untended and vandalized.
Ha-ha! [Coughs] Mr.
Simpson, your intelligence profile indicates that you're too "stupid" to stick to a budget.
- Yes.
Go on.
- So, let me put this simply.
- You need more money.
- But how do I get it? - I'm a financial planner, not a financial consultant.
- [Homer] Sorry.
Now I'd like my fee, please.
- [Grunts] - I know you're not a deaf-mute, Mr.
Simpson.
We've been talking for the last 20 minutes.
- [Yells] - Aaah! [Bird Squawks] Sir, I have a small personal request.
Oh, of course, Smithers.
Anything.
I disabled the button, sir.
Anyway, I need some time off.
As you know, I've been writing a musical about the Malibu Stacy doll.
A show about a doll? [Laughs] Why not write a musical about the common cat or the king of Siam? [Laughs] Give it up, Smithers.
Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Slow down there, maestro.
There's a new Mexico? Yes.
I want to go there and make my dream come true.
I'll just be gone for a week.
Oh, fine.
I can amuse myself.
Curses.
It's jammed.
[Groans] [Laughs] Hi-larious! Well, with the old ball and chain gone, maybe I can finally have a little fun at the office.
[Humming] Ah! A candy shop.
Yes.
I'll take two pounds of Bristol's toffee.
Oh, and don't wrap it too tightly.
I'm hungry now.
You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend.
Wow.
I never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer.
Oh, I concur.
Word-a-day Calendar.
I'm just trying to work up the courage to ask Burns for a raise.
Or a highly paid internship.
Something to solve my money woes.
Hmm.
This must be some sort of cafetorium.
Here's your chance, Homer.
Mr.
Burns just entered the room.
Hmm.
[Grunting] What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables.
That's the sneeze guard.
You have to lean under it to get salad or sneeze on stuff.
Ah.
Everything's so green and alive.
Mr.
Burns, I was wondering if I could get a raise.
What kind of a raise? - Whopping? - I see.
You have 30 seconds to wow me.
Well, sir-You see, sir, I've worked here a long time and my wife has a game leg.
And my kids have game things as well.
[Scoffs] I don't want to hear your whining.
I'm a bored and joyless old man.
Give me a "larf.
" A " larf'? Okay.
Let's see what's in the news today.
Oh, for the love of- - Hurl this at that.
- At Lenny? But he's a war hero.
- Well, let's decorate him then.
- No! - Not even for four dollars? - [Grunts] Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it! That was capital.
My lung is aching.
I liked when I threw the pudding.
Do it again.
I'll make it an even eight.
- You're the boss.
[Grunts] - Ow! I'm in hell! Let's keep the laughs coming, eh, Simpson? What say I make you my executive in charge of recreation? No.
No.
Better yet, my prank monkey.
- Will you keep giving me money? - I can't have my little monkey running around in rags.
- Whoo-hoo! - Hey! What are you doing, man? That's Carl! Let me help you.
- [Groaning] - There.
[Chuckles Nervously] [Mr.
Burns] All right, prank monkey.
Let's make mischief.
Ninety-eight ninety-nine, one hundred.
Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy.
Look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard.
Time for monkey to shine.
[Bell Jingles] I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please.
And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.
Oh! Saturn's rings! Let me get that for you.
Paper bag or triple Mylar? Uh, no, thanks.
I'll just eat it here.
Oh! No! What are you doing? Good, fair, poor! [Sobbing] [Laughing] Ah, that was uproarious.
First-rate job, monkey.
- Do I get paid now? - Oh, where are my manners? - There.
- [Whimpers] D'oh! You're so much more fun than Smithers.
Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay.
" Sold separately Sometimes I feel like I've been sold Separately But out of the box I find you poseable Lovable Just like me This is better than a movie why? [Crowd Cheering] [Toilet Flushes] Okay, now! Little help? Little help, please.
I made a boom-boom.
- Oh, gross! - Not where I pee! Get that out of here! The line in the ladies' room is far too long.
I hope you don't mind- Oh! Baby made a boom-boom.
Oh, good heavens! Oh! - [Laughs] Here you go, monkey.
- [Chuckles] Ow! [Chuckles] There.
That's six years' worth of inoculations.
Here you are, my good man.
And while you're at it, throw in one of those polio shots.
Ooh, yes, sir.
Ah-Anti-polio.
Homie, where did you get that ball of money? I've been doing some outside projects for Mr.
Burns.
- Really? Like what? - Ah, you know.
Business stuff.
Uh, downsizing e-solutions, the glass ceiling.
Hmm.
Well, I'm proud of you.
Mmm.
You're such a good provider.
Kids, come on.
- Thank your father for the injections.
- Thank you, Dad.
[Elephant Trumpets] - Hey, Dad.
Can I have some money for a panda cone? - Gah! What do you do with the $68 I send your mother every month? Weekday Dad wanted a DVD player.
Look at their proud, hopeful faces.
Wait till they see that their rare Chinese panda is nothing but a fat guy in a suit.
Why do I have to do the Lindy Hop? Oh, that's the heart of the bit.
[Grunting] Now, courtesy of an anonymous donor, please welcome our new panda, Sim Sim.
[All] Yea! Don't be shy.
That-a-girl.
Oh, I think she's getting ready to- Yeah.
She's doing the Lindy Hop.
That's it.
Twenty-three skiddoo, 24 25 skiddoo.
[Humming] Well, it looks like Sim Sim is a little frisky today.
So our trainers are gonna calm her down.
Huh? Ow! [Groaning] - Aaah! - Don't worry, folks.
Because of their thick, thick hides pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks.
Ow! [Screams] Ohh.
She's saying "I love you.
" Yea! Can't take the pain.
Ow! - [Groaning] - Yea! - Sim Sim likes to boogie.
- Something's wrong- terribly wrong.
Hey, there's our resident bull panda, Ping Ping.
With any luck, folks, these two will become very, very close, if you know what I mean.
Huh? Help! Mr.
Burns! Aaah! [Groans] Oh, look.
She's presenting.
We thought this would take years to happen.
[Screaming] - [Cheering] - [Homer Screaming] Ping Ping just asked Sim Sim to marry him and I think she just said yes.
Aw.
- [Screaming] - [Ping Ping Growling] Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.
[Whimpering] [Grunting] [Whimpering] Am I glad to see you guys.
You gotta call- [Groans, Whimpers] Dad? The panda was you? Did you see Daddy dance? They all saw me dance.
Oh, Dad.
[Monkey Chittering] So this is your mysterious new job for Mr.
Burns.
Yes.
I humiliate myself for fistfuls of cash.
[Sobbing] Oh, Dad, you have to stop.
- I know.
- [Laughing] Well done, monkey.
That other panda gave some unexpected 'zazz to the festivities, eh? Maybe for you.
How come you didn't rescue me? [Laughs] Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting.
It's happened before.
Monty say, monkey do.
What could be better? - Well, you could treat me with a little respect.
- Oh, shut up, you tub of guts.
See? That's what I'm saying.
Well, a little do-re-mi will smooth this over.
He doesn't want your dirty money.
Oh, come now.
Everyone has his price.
- Not my dad.
- Shh, shh.
The grown-ups are talking, honey.
- Dad, how can you put a price on your dignity? - She's right.
Yes, I may be naked and reeking of panda love but I've got to stop this before it goes too far.
Take that back for $903.
- I retract my statement.
- Ha! - Dad.
- I mean, screw you! Well, well.
It looks like my monkey has evolved into a man.
A poor man.
Wha- Oh, why did he have to say that extra thing? Forget about him, Dad.
I'm proud of you.
Aw, thank you, sweetheart.
But what should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I better throw it in the garbage.
Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
I see what you're saying.
I need to buy a gun.
No, Dad.
You could really brighten the holidays for those less fortunate.
Yeah, right.
It's time to rebuild my self-esteem.
Hey, what happened to- [Gasps] Oh, good Lord! What a week! - Excuse me, sir.
- Yes? I'd like to buy all these toys for some needy children.
Is this enough dirty, dirty money? [Thoughtful Humming] Why, it most certainly is! Mr.
Costington, something quite wonderful has happened.
Uh, no.
Uh, no.
Uh, yes! Why, I don't think I've ever seen such generosity.
You're a modern day Kriss Kringle, sir.
I'm just trying to dig myself out of a pit of shame.
Say no more.
I've had a bit of a shoe-sniffing problem myself.
I'm still not allowed on the third floor.
It's okay.
Mr.
Simpson, I just had a crazy thought.
We do a little Thanksgiving Day parade around here and you're about the right build for a little fella they call Kriss Kringle.
- Hold still.
- I'm so proud.
My dad will be the grand finale of the Thanksgiving Day parade.
- Wanna rehearse, Dad? - I don't need to rehearse.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry- - Line.
- Christmas.
Wha- Let me see that.
Well, looks like another beautiful thanks to global warming.
- Isn't that right, Leeza Gibbons? - That's right, Kent Brockman.
Our broadcast is brought to you today by Costington's department store the thing downtown that's open right next to the men's shelter.
[Bart] "Rusty" the Clown? Ah, Springfield gets the lamest balloons.
Are you kidding? There's Funky Winkerbean! Over here, Funky! [Gasps] Look, it's the Noid.
Avoid the Noid.
He ruins pizzas.
Hey, lady.
Santa Claus is gonna be here, right? - He just has to.
- Something tells me he is.
Don't touch me! Nothing gives you that right! - Say, Leeza.
Do you like gingerbread? - No, not really.
Well, then you'll love this next float.
It's an all-gingerbread desk set.
Yea! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everyone! Ahoy hoy, St.
Nick.
"Pranksgiving?" Uh-oh.
Prepare to be boarded.
What are you doing here? I told you.
I'm not your monkey anymore.
Silence, monkey.
Now that you're Father Christmas we have an opportunity to bend this town over our knee and give it a pranking it will never forget.
- Here's what we do.
[Whispering] - [Gasps] Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving.
[Gibbons] Interesting sidenote on this float: The papier-mÃ¢chÃ© is composed entirely ofbroken treaties.
[Laughs] They're good sports.
The answer is no, Mr.
Burns.
Not for any amount of money.
Not for one million dollars? - [Gasps] Oh, so much money.
- [Children Shouting] [Homer] But Santa can't be evil.
But it's so much money.
And here's the float everyone's been waiting for.
Yes.
Whether you're Christian or just non-Jewish, everybody loves Santa Claus.
Oh, he was supposed to be throwing out toys but he seems to be hurling some sort of candy treats, Leeza.
Wait a minute, Kent.
That is not candy.
That's fish guts.
There's Santa! Over here, Santa! [Groans] What did I do? Ah, the doctor said I could take this patch off five minutes a day.
Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus.
Oh! Why, Santa? Why? Oh, no.
Here come the gulls! [Squawking] [Jabbering] Nice birdie.
Nice birdie.
No! Not so nice! Ow! [Pop, Air Hisses] Oh, Dad.
You sold your soul.
- Not yet, honey.
- Dad! But if you're here, who's that on the float? Ho, ho, ho! Merry "Fishmas"! - What's going on? - Let's just say Lisa gave me an early Christmas present: The gift of dignity.
[All Groan] - Shh! - [Homer] Baby made a boom-boom.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  The Computer Wore Menace Shoes
The Simpsons s12e06 Episode Script
The Computer Wore Menace Shoes
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Rattling] Hey, open up! I've been standing here all morning! Hey, Homer.
What are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation.
- ## [Humming] - [Hissing] Uh-oh.
[Whimpering] [Groans] No one told me the plant was closed.
- Didn't you get the e-mail? - What's an e-mail? It's a computer thing- Like an electric letter.
Or a quiet phone call.
- I don't have a computer.
- [Chuckles] Too bad.
That's why you're at work while we're living it up on our day off.
Hey, Carl, turn up the car radio.
Why not? Anything goes today.
## [Radio: Big Band] That does it! I'm getting a computer- As soon as somebody lets me out of here.
[Rattling] Oh.
[Laughing] I'm so stupid.
Uh, I guess I'll take that one.
Hmm.
Well, do you need a paperweight? Because if you buy that machine, that's all you're gonna have, is an expensive paperweight.
Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer.
- How about that one? - Mm-hmm.
That technology is three months old.
Only suckers buy out-of-date machines.
Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? - Heavens, no! - Oh, good.
Because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store.
I just need something to receive e-mail.
[Whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that.
That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
- I was an astronaut.
- Of course you were.
Hmm.
[Slurping] Five thousand dollars? You only have 10 seconds to decide, sir.
[Whimpering] This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right? Absolutely.
Just run the deed to your house through here.
- [Recorded Voice #1] You are on your- - [Voice #2] Fifth.
- [Voice #1] mortgage.
- [Chuckles] Hey, Lisa, check out my new computer.
Dad, you shouldn't drag that around.
[Laughs] That's right.
Top of the line.
[Groans] Stupid pothole.
Don't worry, head.
The computer will do our thinking now.
Oh, yeah.
Perfect.
Now, then- Computer, kill Flanders.
Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
[Whispering] Good start.
Now finish the job.
[Chuckling] Oh, you're busy.
Catch you later, "computator.
" Oh, $5,000 for a computer, and it can't handle a simple assignment.
[Grunts, Groans] Dad, I'll set up your computer.
Why don't you and Bart go play in the backyard? - You're it! - [Both Laughing] [Homer] Hey! Why, you little- - [Typing] - Okay, you're ready to go.
- [Beeps] - I've written down the basic commands so that anyone can understand them.
- Hmm.
- [Marge] Homer, bring that back in the house.
[Homer] Fine.
[Beeping] - ## [Upbeat Tune] - Ooh, a dancing Jesus.
[Scatting] If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it.
If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes.
" - Otherwise click "No.
" - [Beeps] You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess.
- [Siren Wailing] - A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.
- Hey! - While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous.
- [Beeps] - Here it is, everybody- The world's greatest Web site.
- Hello! Hello! Hello! - [Ringing] You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not.
- I got suspended from school today.
- No kiddin'? What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest.
It's great, isn't it? Go ahead and say it's great if you want to.
They found a switchblade in my locker.
Well, a Web page is supposed to be a personal thing.
You've just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else.
- They could sue you for that.
- I took a swing at a cop.
They can't sue me if they don't know who I am.
I'll just call myself"Mr.
X.
" - [Beeps] - I'm just mad all the time.
Yep, you can't go wrong with Mr.
X.
Mom wants you to come to bed.
I can't.
My Web page hasn't gotten a single hit.
- [Clashing Noises] - Come on.
You have to offer people something- Ajoke, an opinion, an idea.
That lousy pothole! Why don't they fix it? I heard Mayor Quimby spent the street repair fund on a secret swimming pool for himself.
- Get out.
Who told you that? - Nelson.
Hmm.
That's the kind of dirt that belongs on my Web page.
You can't post that on the Internet.
- You don't know if it's true.
- Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey.
Nelson is gold.
- You know, it might have been Jimbo.
- Beautiful! - We have confirmation.
- [Groans] Hmm.
Let's see here.
"X-rated Girls"-Already book marked.
"Dial 'X ' for Sex.
" "Mr.
X.
" Hmm.
Shall I cross the final frontier? [Chomps] [Beeping] - What's this? - [Beeps] "Stolen funds.
Pothole money used for swimming pool"? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling! Our mayor is corrupt? Well, Mr.
X has done this town a great service- despite his poor grammar and spelling.
- [Agnes] Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? - No, Mother.
- You sissy! - [Groans] What's all this about a secret swimming pool? [Stammering] What secret swimming pool is that? Hey, let's look behind that door! - Aaah! - [Quimby] Uh, don't go in there! [All Gasp] [Woman, Giggling] Oh, that's delicious.
Can I have more? - [Chattering, Laughing] - Good Lord! We've discovered the ruins of an ancient city.
Okay, you do better.
I did it! I changed the world.
Now I know exactly how God feels.
Do you want turkey sausage or ham? Bring me two of every animal.
[Mews] A new Internet watchdog is creating a stir in Springfield.
Mr.
X, if that is his real name, has come up with a sensational scoop.
- Darn tootin'.
- But we must never forget that the real news is on local TV delivered by real, officially licensed newsmen like me, Kent Brockman.
Coming up: How do they get those dogs to talk on the beer commercials? Cowboy Steve will tell you.
I'm happy you got the potholes filled but it's still irresponsible to present rumors as facts.
Maybe you should quit while you're ahead.
No way.
Mr.
X is gonna keep on diggin' and probin' until every person in this town is in jail.
- [Crunches] - Aaah! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! All right, I'll tell you a secret.
My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts.
Oh, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot and dumped the body on a golf course.
What a bombshell! [Wiggum] In the interest of public safety we have confiscated every doughnut bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city- - And some coffee.
- [Slurps] - This morning Mr.
X reported that your own department- - I know, I know.
But I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them anymore.
What about using the electric chair to cook chicken? Yeah, all right, this press conference is over.
- No, wait.
I have- - No, it's over, Phil.
- But Police Chief Wig- - It's over.
According to my uncle Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems.
Word is, she uses appearance-altering cosmetics.
- Oh, my God.
That's shocking.
- I don't believe that.
The public should be warned.
I wish Mr.
X were here.
Oh, I don't know, Carl.
He might be closer than you think.
- Are you him? Are you Mr.
X? - No.
But you talked in that real sly voice.
Hey, hey, everybody! Homer's Mr.
X! I am not! Or am I? - Are you? - No! Well, if Mr.
X were here right now, I'd buy him a tall frosty.
- Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? - No.
- Not even a little one? - No! - What if I just whisper it! - No, I tells ya! [Groans] I've been sittin' on the toilet - #All the livelong day ## - [Door Opens] - [Burns] Is everything ready for the secret meeting? - Yes, sir.
I hope no one finds out about this.
It's pure journalistic dynamite! Uh, sir, this place could be bugged.
Shh.
- [Whirring] - Okay, now we can talk.
[Gasping] Turn it off! [Groans] - Journalistic dynamite.
- [Gasps] - [Chattering In Foreign Language] - Then it's agreed.
I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium.
You are a credit to the great Satan.
Oh, pshaw.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I love spying.
- [Groans] - Oh, don't worry about those fumes.
They'll be sucked into that air vent.
[Homer Groans] [Scoffs] This place is falling apart.
[Typing] And who's selling the uranium to the terrorists? Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Montgomery Burns.
- [Beeps] - Now we wait.
[Grunting] Let go of me! I'm innocent! Whoa, he's in trouble.
We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr.
X.
[Cheering] Unfortunately, we don't know who he is so his cash award will be used to feed starving children.
No! Move! Move! - I'm Mr.
X! Gimme! Gimme! - [Murmuring] - We'll need some proof.
- #Ta-da # He is Mr.
X! Ha! - [Cheering] - Thank you, folks.
And now I'm off to expose more secret conspiracies and- [Groans] Oh, I bit my tongue! - I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer- - Finally.
But I do feel bad about the starving children.
They're with God now.
Oh, well, that's good.
[Groans] - Right.
- Hey, guys.
How's it going? Oh, don't worry about the Mr.
X thing.
I'm just here for a beer.
Uh- I don't know if I want you in here no more, Homer.
I got a lot of secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine.
Uh-Terrible, disturbing secrets.
- [Man] So hungry.
- I smell another Pulitzer.
[Groans] Well, Helen, as it says in the Bible- - I'll tell you later.
- [Groans] Oh, nobody's visiting my Web page anymore.
My counter is actually going down.
- [Beeping] - [Wind Whistling] Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
- That's a great idea.
I'll make up some news! - [Groans] At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
- [Growls] - Let's see now.
Bulletin.
New race discovered living six inches under - Denver.
- Oh, Dad.
All named Morton- Or Mortinson.
This Mr.
X says Spanish and Italian are the same language.
[Exhales] Well, that's surprising.
They're controlling our minds with flu shots.
I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? [Both Moaning] Yea! Mommy? Hey, Mr.
X, I got a tip for you.
In science class they're dissecting frozen hoboes- And I have the bindles to prove it.
Real news is great, son but I'm getting a thousand hits an hour with grade "A" bull plop.
Give me a hundred lotto tickets, Apu, because Mr.
X is on a roll.
- [Thuds] - Stop it, Apu.
You're scaring me.
[Whimpering] Aah! Aah! What's going on? Help! I'm being kidnapped! [Doorbell Dings] - ## [Humming] - [Apu, Muffled] Hmm.
Hmm? [Muffled] Whoo! Ahh.
This is not a library.
Whoo.
[Homer] Save me, Mr.
X! Wait.
I'm Mr.
X.
[Groans] - [Homer Muttering] - [Squawks] - What the- - [Squawks] Hmm? Hmm? [Squawking] - [Cooing] - [Chittering] What the hell- How did I get here? What is this place? This is the Island.
- How do I get out of here? - Oh, no one leaves the Island.
So I'm a prisoner? How come? Because you know something.
But I don't know anything- At least I don't think I do.
- See you tomorrow.
- No, you won't! Hello, Operator! I'd like to report a really weird island.
Please send lots of rescue copters to- [Hissing] [Babbles] All right, whatever.
[Giggles] [Groans] Welcome, friend.
I'm Number Six.
I'm number 15.
What number are you? I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever- Oh, wait.
I'm Number Five.
- Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six! - Yes.
Well done.
- Who are all these oddballs? - Well, they keep us here because we know too much.
Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline.
Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic Tacs.
And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.
Wow! - So who brought us here? - I don't know.
- Did you bring us here? - No! - [Sniffing] - Don't worry.
If even half of your husband is out here, Officer Scraps'll find him.
Oh, that's a darling name for a dog.
[Sniffs, Barks] [Barking] Yup.
He's on the trail, all right.
Uh-oh.
[Barking] - Better go fish him out, Lou.
- Okay, Chief.
Uh, the shoes are part of the uniform.
Right, Chief.
[Groans] [Groaning] Oh, they drugged the tea.
They knew my one weakness.
Hello, Number Five.
How's every little thing? Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! - Fair enough.
I'll level with you.
- [Grunts] Ow.
Please, don't do that.
- Sorry.
- I'll be blunt.
Your Web page has stumbled upon our secret plan.
That's impossible.
All my stories are bull plop.
Bull plop! Don't be cute.
I'm referring to the flu shot exposÃ©.
You see, we're the ones loading them with mind-controlling additives.
But why? [Grunts] To drive people into a frenzy of shopping.
That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas.
Of course.
It's so simple.
Wait.
No, it's not.
It's needlessly complicated.
Yes, it is.
And we can't have you out there mucking it up, now can we? - No, sir.
- That's a good boy.
Let's get you some ice cream.
- There we are.
- Look.
You can drug me all you want but my family won't rest until they find my drug-bloated corpse! I wouldn't count on that, Number Five.
As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door right about now.
I'm sorry.
What? [Muttering, Gasps] Homie! [With German Accent] Marge, honey, fraÃ¼lein, I'm home.
You're not my husband.
Ja.
Please forgive my unexplained two-week absence.
To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant then have a night of efficient German sex.
Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.
- [Hissing] - [Groans] Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island? There's something really different about you, Dad.
- I am a new tie wearing.
- Oh, yeah.
[Homer Moaning] I'm tired of being drugged and gassed.
- There's gotta be a way to escape! - Psst! I've worked on this for 33 years.
It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite.
It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to- - [Groans] - Whoo-hoo! That-That's the third time that's happened! Oh, no! An anti-escape orb! [Groans] Huh.
That was easy.
Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why.
Oh! What a horrible four months.
Now to warn everybody! Attention: Some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world.
- Hey! - Sorry, old chap but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk.
- Huh? - We're shutting you down.
Not a chance.
No one can silence me but me! - That arranged can be.
- Wha- Aaah! [Choking] Yes! Fight and struggle.
[Groans] If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch.
- [Groans] Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge.
- It's me, the real Homer.
- Oh, Homie! - Mmm, mmm! - [Clapping] Bravo, Number Five.
But you know what happens to bad little "fishies" who wriggle through the net.
- Can I turn this off? - Absolutely.
- Hey! - Nice to have you back, Homer.
- [Barks] - The dog thinks so too.
[All Laughing] - The dog thinks- - [Hissing] [All Groaning] [Homer] Bad dog.
[Laughing] Once you get used to the "druggings," this isn't a bad place.
Oh, it's wonderful- Truly God's country.
[Giggling] [Homer] See you on the Island.
[Lisa] Yes, the Island.
- [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  The Great Money Caper
The Simpsons s12e07 Episode Script
The Great Money Caper
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Welcome to the Magic Palace.
- Okay.
You can park my car.
But no joyriding! - Mmm.
Wait a minute.
Hello, I'm Questo.
I'll be your waiter and mentalist for this evening.
I'm receiving a drink order.
Something foamy.
Is it a "B"- Beer, yes! How did you know? Hmm? Ahh.
And for the lady, a Long Island Iced Tea.
[Both] Wow.
Oh, they oughta call that a"Large" Island Iced Tea.
[Laughs] - No, "Long" is better.
- Are you really gonna drink that? Well, maybe a sip.
I don't want to offend our mentalist.
[Thinking] If she doesn't like it, I'll just die! [Sucking] Mmm.
[Slurping] - Mmm! - ## [Fanfare] Mom, you're missing a great show.
You don't know what I'm missin'.
[Slurping] Mmm! I'd like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.
Now for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer.
I'll do it! I always end up doing it.
- Hi.
- I'm Diablo.
What's your name? - Marge.
- Okay, Marge.
And who's that gentleman you're with? That's no gentleman.
That's my husband.
- ## [Rimshot] - [All Laughing] - Wow.
Mom got a laugh.
- I wish she drank every day.
[Chuckles] Do we love Marge or what? Oh, please.
I didn't say that for clapping.
- Now, Marge, I have a problem.
- Oh, yeah? You see, the emperor of China's coming over and I don't have enough colorful silks.
- Oh.
- So what I need of you is- You talk too much.
Abraca-blab-ra.
Am I right? - [Laughing] - See, the ladies know what I'm talking about.
Ha.
Ha.
Tell you what? Let's get this ball gag on ya.
There we go.
And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.
Whoa, baby! Don't worry, Marge.
You won't feel a thing.
You'll feel four things.
- [Laughing] - He's very good.
[Gasping] - [Chittering] - [Applauding] So she was made of chimps.
Man, magic can do anything! What happened to Mom? - I'm right here! - [Applauding, Cheering] - [Chittering] - No! No! Get off of me! [Man On P.
A.
] Folks, this is not part of the act.
Please help her.
No! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Cool gift shop.
"Ages eight to 80.
" Huh.
That's me! Dad, will you get me this magic kit? Gee, I wish I could, Son.
But we already left the gift shop.
D'oh! Wow.
It's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
- [Scoffs] That's a party magic college.
- It is not.
- Yah-huh.
- Nuh-huh.
- Yah-huh.
- Would you cut it out, you two? Mommy needs some quiet right now.
[All Screaming] What the hell is that? It looks like a sturgeon.
But where did it come from? Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Well, there's your problem.
I know that.
How much to fix it? Oh.
Well, that's a foreign fish we're looking at.
So, uh, 6,500.
- Plus 350.
- Oh, I can't afford that.
Maybe I can make some money, Dad.
The magic act is really coming along.
- [Panting] - [Chuckles] He couldn't breathe.
Step right up! See the magic boy! Witness mystifying feats that will leave you scratching your head until it's raw and bloody! - Mmm.
Look.
- Oh, my goodness! Come on.
Pony up, Flanders.
The kid's not turning tricks for nothin'.
- Oh, no.
I could never support the black arts.
- Black arts? Yeah, you know: Magic, fortune telling, Oriental cooking.
Hey, you guys! [Grunts] You're in our spot.
What? Oh, okay, we'll move.
We don't want any trouble, fellas.
Dad, only one of them is real.
- I know, but which one? - Ohh.
Sixty cents? I would have made more if I had gone into work today! Hey, don't blame me.
I gotta compete with TV and the Internet.
A good son would come through for his dad.
Yeah.
And a good dad wouldn't miss his son's little league games.
I told you! Lfind them boring! Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions! Oh, that's it! You can walk home! [Tires Squealing] Dad, come back! Ohh.
I can't walk home with all this stuff.
- Ohh.
- Poor boy.
Here's some money for bus fare.
- My father was a monster too.
- Hmm.
Come on, brothers.
Dig deep.
Stupid non-magical son can't pay to fix my car.
- Hey, Homer! Check it out! - What the- - [Chomping] - Is that a steak? - Yeah.
I know a little place.
- Who gave you all this money? Mmm, people.
I guess they thought I was a charity case.
Really? Hey, maybe we could do that again.
- Can you look even more pathetic? - [Whimpers] Oh, that's beautiful! We could make a fortune! But wouldn't that make us con artists? Well, yeah.
But God conned me out of So, in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe.
There you go! We'd be stealing from people we know.
It's just like the seasons.
Sounds good.
You want to eat my fat? I think you know the answer to that.
[Chomping] This book has all the classic cons.
There's the Pigeon Drop, the Ear Wigger, the Brillstein grab- Do they have any father-and-son grifts? - Well, there's the Albany Ham Scam.
- Interesting.
Oh, wait.
Here we go.
[Humming] - Oh.
- What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow? I could ask you the very same question.
Uh, should I just back out of the room? - Would you? - ## [Humming] Okay, Dad, ready for our first con? You bet.
Let's trim the mark.
Nice use of the lingo, Homer.
- 10-4, kemosabe.
- Ohh.
- ## [Humming] - I love you too.
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
- Oh! - Oh, excuse me.
What happened? Where's my cake? - It's all right, isn't it? - Uh- What have you done, you clumsy little ox? That cake was for your deaf sister! - Sir, it was my fault.
- No, no.
Don't protect him.
You'll work off that cake in the acid mines! No! No, no! I'll pay for the cake.
Well, you're the mark of integrity.
[Chuckles] Wow! Look at all this loot! What should we buy first? A singing rubber fish, of course.
There you are.
How was the magic act? What in the hell are you talking about? Oh, right.
The magic.
The magic was great! It's really the way to go.
How'd you do your act? You left your magic kit here.
Or so it would seem.
- [Chuckles] - Suckers.
I don't know, Mom.
I think they're up to something.
Oh, it sure looks that way.
But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together.
Is that a Long Island Iced Tea? Oh, this? Hmm.
I think it is.
[Sucking] Mmm.
You're a pretty girl.
Here, boy! Here, doggie! - Oh, where has my little dog gone? - Oh, you lost your doggie? Yeah.
I saw him playing in the water, and then he was gone.
He had a bright red leash with bells on it.
Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
[Jingling] Oh, dear Lord.
He's the bestest dog ever.
He's light brown and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart.
- Sorry, son.
But- - I just gotta get him back! Or if not him, a similar dog.
Dog for sale! Dog for sale! - How much for the dog? - Oh, he's not for sale.
- Oh, well.
- Although, if the right offer came along- Here's for the repairs and a little extra for you.
Hey.
Thanks, chief.
Uhh! My bar mitzvah cake! Oy! I'll never be a man.
Uhh.
- Dad? - Yeah, Son? Why are we still grifting? The car's paid for.
Doesn't that balance out the universe? In a way.
But I also remembered some other stuff.
Like my bike that was stolen in third grade.
- Plus the baldness.
- Okay.
I'm sold.
[Rings] Hello.
Is the lady of the house in? Oh, no! Homer, remember? Maudie got called up to heaven.
- Oh.
Of course.
Of course.
It's just that- - What? Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you.
Why, there's my name, in gold.
Now you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man.
Well, I'll just reimburse you right- Wait a minute.
This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon.
- Run, Dad! - Okay! [Whimpering] - We'll be safe in here.
- That was too close.
- Maybe it's time to quit the game.
- [Grampa] Amateurs! - [Both] Huh? - Dad? That's right.
- You don't smoke a pipe.
- That's right.
[Coughs] - How'd you get wise to us? - Are you kiddin'? They used to call me Grifty McGrift.
I wrote the book on flimflammin'.
Wow! He did! Yeah.
In the Depression, you had to grift.
Either that or work.
- So what's the pitch, old man? - Team up with me, boys and we'll go for the biggest honey pot of'em all! [Gasps] Oh, my God! I don't know.
Fleecin' old people? Oh, why not? If we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist.
Let's dust a few fossils.
Now this scam was in The Sting, Part Two, so nobody knows about it.
Now as I recall, Jackie Gleason- - Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson? - I'm Abe Simpson.
You've just won $10 million from that publisher's "cleary-dealie"! - What? - Everybody, come quick! Abe Simpson is rich! I can't believe it! I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife.
- [All Cheering] - Yeah.
I'm gonna get me the craziest, "strippiest"- [Groaning] - He's dead.
- [Mumbling] Oh, this is terrible.
Now who do we give the money to? I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters.
Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks.
Forget it, Ed.
Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head.
You're right.
We better just take this check back for shredding.
No, wait.
We got a hundred bucks each.
Hang on.
Thank you.
No shoving.
That's right.
Put your money in here.
All of it.
Is that everyone? What's your problem, sport? Afraid to be rich? Hold your horses.
I'll get to ya! F.
B.
I.
You're under arrest for fraud.
[Both Gasping] [Grunts] Mm-hmm.
Throw the book at him, sonny.
D'oh! Now, where's the inside man? Mmm? [Grunts] Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh! [Laughing] So we're under arrest for fraud? - Yes, fraud.
- [Whimpers] Well, this is about the flashiest car I've ever impounded.
Thanks.
Whew! It took a lot of grifting.
Ooh! Please, F.
B.
I.
Man, don't throw us in jail.
We just made one mistake.
Yeah.
We're not criminals.
We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids.
Mmm.
Okay, tell you what.
I'll let you turn yourselves in.
Maybe they'll go easier on you.
- You'd do that for us? - Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake.
Go on in.
But I'll be watching! Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Don't worry, Son.
I have an idea.
Chief, I'd like to scare my son straight.
Could I show him a jail cell? Oh, sure.
I'll put you in the RickJames suite.
It's super freaky.
Okay, we're all locked up now.
Yeah.
You big idiot.
- Excellent.
I guess I'll just be swiping your car now.
- What? Oh, and this lovely bag of cash.
So long, suckers! Woo-hoo! - That's not an F.
B.
I.
Badge.
- "Colgate Cavity Patrol"? Ohh! - That guy was a grifter.
- Yeah.
He conned us good.
Well, at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place.
- Ohh! - What? Mom's gonna wonder where the car went.
- We better have a good story.
- Well, lies got us into this mess, Son.
From now on, it's honesty all the way.
You were carjacked in the church parking lot? Absolutely.
We had stopped in for a quick prayer when- Bart, would you call him a crazy man? Definitely.
Well, crazy about carjacking.
- What did he look like? - Uh, mmm, let's see.
He was foreign, and he had- - Wild, bushy hair, like an animal.
- Anything else? Uh, well, he seemed like a loner.
Kept to himself mostly.
And he said if we went to the cops, he'd come back for Maggie.
[Gasps] Oh, dear! We don't want that! Anyhoo, the whole nightmare's really made us sleepy.
[Yawns] Let's hit the hay.
- [Birds Twittering] - [Snoring] Homie! Homie, wake up! - They've captured your crazed foreign carjacker! - Huh? - But that's impossible.
- They're arresting him right now.
- I did not do it, I tell ya! - Uh-oh.
At least, let me comb me hair.
It's all wild and bushy.
What do you care, Loner.
Well, look at that.
But who called the police? - We did.
- After we got Maggie to a safe house, of course.
Hmm.
She hasn't touched her Manwich.
You cannot do this to Willie! I'm innocent, I tell ya! They always say they're innocent.
It's such a turnoff.
Dad, Willie got arrested 'cause of us! Of course he did, Son.
He's a filthy crook.
Now let's all hit the hay.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
I guess you haven't heard of chloroform.
[Inhales, Snores] Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack.
I had nothing to do with that carjacking.
Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? - [Chattering] - But didn't ya just say- - I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie! - Objection! I'm gonna allow it.
It characterizes the defendant as a carjacker.
- Dad, we've gotta tell everyone the truth.
- Let's see how this plays out.
Mr.
Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court? I told you my memory is fuzzy.
Fuzzy! - Fuzzy like Willie's beard? - [Gasping] Yes! Exactly! No, no.
I mean the whole incident is hazy.
- Hazy like the moors of Scotland? - [Gasping] - Yes, exactly! - [Chattering] Ohh! [Sniffs] Hey! Mountain Dew? Ohh! Mr.
Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict? [Clears Throat] I believe we was promised $5.
00 a day.
- All right then.
Guilty! - [Sobbing] Carjacker Willie, I sentence you to 10 years in prison! [All Gasping] - Dad, tell them! - When the time is right.
Ten years? But I "didna" do it! - Sure you "didna.
" Now let's get you to Attica- - No! [All Gasping] You'll never send me up the river! - Dad.
- Let's see where he's going with this.
- [All Screaming] - [Gunshot] - Willie, as your employer, I insist- - [Growls] - [Gunshot] - Oh! Stop! This has gone on just long enough! Nobody carjacked me.
I tried to pull a con and got conned myself.
And then I lied to you all.
[Sobbing] So did Bart.
[Sobbing] - [Clanging] - Okay, players, that's a wrap! [All Cheering] Huh? - Nice work, everybody.
- Wait a minute.
This whole thing was a setup? But Skinner got shot.
Aah! Yup.
Blanks and a blood pack.
- Hey, watch it! - I look like cable TV.
What about that bullet hole in your hair? Squibs.
[Chuckles] Yeah, we hornswoggled you good.
But what about the guy who took my car? [Tires Screeching] Devon Bradley.
Character actor, dancer, singer.
I'm a triple threat! He's doing Dreamcoat at the dinner theater.
- I can't believe everyone was in on it.
- Willie wasn't! Wait a minute.
You're telling me the police force, the TV news a courthouse full of people, and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence.
But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation.
You see- Hey, everybody! Surf s up! [All Cheering] - Cowabunga! - Woo! - ## [Surf] - Uh! Uh! Hey! Ohh! - Hey! - Aah! ## [Continues] ## [Continues] - [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Skinner's Sense of Snow
The Simpsons s12e08 Episode Script
Skinner's Sense of Snow
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [All Grunting] [Happy Squeal] [Man Laughing] Welcome back to Pigskin Preview! - Denver/Green Bay-Who do you like? - That's football, right? Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game 'cause the Packers will be blinded byJerry's tie.
[Chuckles] Tremendous.
I'm more worried about Al's jacket.
How many stations can you get on that thing? All right.
Listen.
I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves! [Clears Throat] Well, folks, he's got a point.
Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about- Lenny, are you watching this? - [Lenny] Yeah.
They really hurt that guy's feelings.
- I know! - Ready for the circus, Homer? - Circus? The Cirque de PurÃ©e.
We've had tickets since Septembre.
But I want to watch Brett Favre! Come on, Homer.
They're only in town for eight months.
- Then they're gone.
- [Men Laughing On TV] Oh! I missed one ofJerry's zingers.
Now I'll never catch up.
Mmm! Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder.
Oh, yeah.
That's way better than fun and excitement.
As French Canadians, they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.
Oh! I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon.
Enjoy the show.
For one day, we shall die.
- Ohh! - [People Applauding] Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir? [French Accent] But I cannot help you.
I am just a local merchant from, uh, this town.
Just smash it open! Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure- - or purÃ©e.
- [Audience Laughing] [All Gasping] - [Gasping] - [Audience Applauding] They always pick the guy with the wires.
[Audience Laughing, Applauding] [Marge] Oh, look at those exotic positions.
Watching those women is giving me ideas.
- ## [Humming] - [Sighs] [Lisa] They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it? [Whimpering] [Wind Howling] [Sideshow Mel] A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies.
- We must run for our trucks! - [All Clamoring] Oh, no, you don't! I paid full price for this freak show! Now, nourish the child within me! - Nourish! - [Wind Howling] Un, deux, trois! [All Shouting] [Man On Radio] Well, sir, we've got ourselves a classic nor'easter meeting a classic sou'wester.
Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain turning to sleet turning to snow - and then melting in the summer.
- Snow? - Maybe they'll cancel school! - Look.
The sea captain's all hunkered down! Arr! Help.
I was tied here by teenage pirates.
[Wind Howling] [Man On Radio] The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary - [Gasps] - My Dear Watson Detective School.
Ohh! - And lastly, Springfield Elementary School - Yea! - Is open.
- Ohh! And it's open season on savings at Springfield Menswear, which is closed.
- Oh! Everyone's off but us.
- Oh, stop.
Your father and I don't get the day off.
Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! [Grunting] One snow angel coming up! [Giggles] Huh? Oh, why does that always happen? ## [Man Singing: Christmas] [All Shouting] Man.
Everyone has a snow day but us.
Oh! They look wonderful! Ah! Yeah! ## [Scatting] - [Grampa Chuckling] - Ah, yeah, Clancy.
Spell your name.
Uh, hey, Lou, could you shake out the last few drops for me? Yeah, no problem, Chief.
Seems like a waste of coffee, though.
[Skinner] Children, I'm proud of you.
Most of our students didn't bother to show up on this last day before Christmas break.
But you've kept intact my Cal Ripken-like streak of school "openage.
" - Hey, where are the teachers? - Eh, their union just called an emergency caucus.
Caucus, caucus, caucus Caucus, caucus, caucus But we'll have the last laugh on thoseJohnny-come-not-lies.
We're gonna watch my favorite movie about a Grinch-y little character - who tries to steal Christmas.
- [All Exclaiming] Ho, ho, ho.
What's that, Blitzen? Why, yes, it is Christmas Eve.
I'm happy.
[All Snarling] - Oh! - [Gasps] It's the Christmas hobgoblins! Ooh! [Cries Out] What the hell is this? [Chuckling] It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.
I will always be true - # Spend my days pitching woo to you # - [Sighs] Oh! He's been singing for two hours! This couldn't have less to do with Christmas.
And I think that's a stagehand.
And I love you too I am you and you are you Oh, you and me together you can see Ha-ha! Next time get a DVD! This is a DVD! [Grunting] Well, you won't get to see Santa's big sing-off but seeing as we're close to the usual dismissal time- - two, one- there it is.
- [Bell Ringing] Take off and have a frank and productive holiday.
- [All Cheering] - [Gasps] - Oh, dear God! - [Lisa Gasps] Principal Skinner! We're snowed in! - We're trapped in the school! - [All Screaming] - We're gonna miss Christmas! - [All Screaming] - I fixed the DVD.
- [All Screaming] [Kent Brockman] Roads closed.
Pipes frozen.
Albinos virtually invisible.
The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from winter wonderland to a class-three kill storm.
I don't like the sound of that "class-three.
" And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns - in a veritable orgasm of poor planning.
- [Horn Sounds] - He shoots! He scores! - [Chuckles] Perfect form, sir.
This is terrible! How will the kids get home? I don't know.
Internet? Children, it seems the phone lines are down so I'm afraid we're stuck here for the duration.
- [Children] Aww! - But it's my kid's birthday.
I'm doing a puzzle with Grandmama, and she'll finish without me.
Yes, yes, yes.
We all had plans.
Except for me, ironically.
I'm right where I want to be.
I can cut a trail through the snow.
I'm part Eskimo.
I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi.
No one leaves the building.
This stinks.
We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss.
I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi.
You're not going home! - That's so unfair! - This blows.
Skinner's the real Grinch! - [Engine Starts] - I'm all for rescuing the kids but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof.
My car, your roof.
It's only fair.
- B- But it's my car.
- Well, yeah.
Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business? - I never had a snowplow business.
- Sure, you did.
"Mr.
Plow.
" You're wearing the jacket right now.
I think I know my own life, Ned.
Call Mr.
Plow That's my name That name again is Mr.
Plow I'm so hungry.
I want more.
You heard the principal.
Everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish! [Gags, Coughing] If you don't eat your relish, you're not getting any mayonnaise.
Screw this.
The rest of you can stay here like dorks, but I'm going home.
- [All Cheering] - Go, Nelson! - [Groans] - [All Gasping] Well, I hope you've all learned something from Nelson's "headstrongedness.
" - And from now on- - [Chanting] We want out! We want out! We want out! - We want out! - Yeesh! It's getting ugly out there.
Mmm.
Think, Skinner, think.
What would Superintendent Chalmers do? - Skinner! - Eh, that's no help.
Mmm.
Ah! My old footlocker.
[Chuckles] Back in 'Nam, I could command respect.
[Helicopter Blades Whirring] Sarge, let's make a break for it while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda.
Nope.
Too dangerous.
We're all gonna sit tight and reminisce about candy bars.
Uh, well, uh, one time, I'm eating a candy bar at the beach - and a girl starts taking off her bathing suit- - Get back to the candy bar! The hell with this.
I'm gettin' outta here! - No, you fool! - [Screaming] [Shouting] That elephant ate my entire platoon.
Well, I'm not gonna let it happen again! [All Chattering, Laughing] - [Door Closes] - Children, stand down! - Huh? - I said, stand down! [Confused Chattering] I'm not joking, people.
From now on there will be no talking out of turn or leaving this room.
- Willie? - Aye, sir! - This sucks! - Are you questioning my authority? Willie! [Groans] Ow! My vest.
Don't just stand there.
Fight back.
There aren't enough coat hooks to hold all of us! Actually there are.
Five, 10, 15, 20- Uh, can you two share a hook? - Yes, sir.
- We're fine then.
[Groans] - I think we hit something.
- I hope it's Flanders.
[Chuckling] I'm just kidding! Hey, you're all right.
- [Yawning] - [Snoring] Now, children, if you have to answer nature's call during the night - use this bucket next to Bart's head.
- Hey! All right.
Lights out.
- [Door Closes] - I'm tired of taking orders from G.
I.
Jerk! - I'm gonna tunnel out of here! - No, Bart.
For all we know, hundreds of rescue workers are digging us out right now.
[Sniffing, Growling] I feel like making love Making love to you - ## [Humming] - [Crashing] Catchy song, all right.
You really wrote it? Yeah.
As a tribute to Princess Di.
And Dodi.
Because these days, princesses- [Groaning] We're trapped! [Grunting] Mr.
Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit.
- Is that some sort of plush novelty? - Yes, ma'am.
[Groans] Well, here's a scouring pad.
It's just as good.
It's cold and hurt-y.
[Yawns] Uh-What the- [Gasps] A tunnel! [Blows Whistle] - [Murmuring] - Bart's digging us out! - Not on my watch he's not! - Oh, no! I know it looks like the path to freedom.
But one collapse, and presto- you've got a snow casket.
- I was gonna put buttresses in.
- Gonna, wanna, shoulda.
Willie, destroy it.
[All Protesting] He did do a bonny job, sir.
Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage too.
Okay, Skinner.
That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.
- I quit! - Fine.
I'll do the job myself.
[Grunting] Help! It's caving in! - Oh! - What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck? That's precisely the problem, and you know it.
- Now, get me out of here! - What's that? - You want the pee bucket on your head? - No! You're twisting my words! - [Bart] Come on! We're taking over the school! - [All Cheering] - [Bart] Come on! We're taking over the school! - [All Cheering] That's it! Cinch it up around the neck.
[Chokes] This is a gross misuse of school property.
- Where are the dodge balls? Ow! - [Children Cheering] Ow! Ohh! All right.
That's it.
I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind.
Silence, Seymour! We're in charge now.
Your reign of fussiness is over.
[Bart On P.
A.
] Attention.
The school is now under kid control.
You are hereby ordered to go nuts! Huh? - [Engine Revving] - Aw, stupid ice! I always knew I would die caked in something.
Well, better turn off that engine before those fumes put us in tombs.
Wait.
Let's just leave it on till we forget our troubles.
Mm, sounds like a plan.
[Guttural Groaning] I can't write this.
It's a grammatical nightmare.
- Mau! Didi mau! - I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo.
After all the times I've done it - my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.
- [Bones Cracking] [Grunting] - Ow! - Come on, Seymour.
- Mau! Didi mau! - Ow! I told you no one can climb a rope.
It's physically impossible.
What part of didi mau don't you understand? Nelson, put that globe down! Milhouse, stay out of my desk! Jimbo, that's my Princey Award! Quiet, Principal Spinner! Hey, I got Skinner's key card! We can finally see our permanent records! [Skinner] No! You can't go in there! [Cheering] "Underachiever and proud of it.
" How old is this thing? "Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism"? [Gasps] That's not even a word! Then we'll get rid of the record permanently! [Both Gasp] Hey, look how much Skinner makes.
- Twenty-five thousand dollars a year! - [All] Wow! Let's see.
He's 40 years old, times 25 grand.
- Whoa! He's a millionaire! - Wow! I wasn't a principal when I was one! Plus, in the summer, he paints houses! - He's a billionaire! - Wow! If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother? [Children Laughing] Oh, they're just not responding to logic anymore.
[Sighs] I'll never win this alone.
There's only one guy who can help me now.
[Chittering] - Look! I'm throwing paper! - [Grunting] [Mumbling] [Chittering] You're my only hope, Nibbles.
Godspeed, Nibbles.
Godspeed.
- Aw, nuts.
- [Switch Clicks] There you are! Falcon to Eagle.
Have located bag of crap.
If you get me out of this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring.
- I spit on your monitors! - I know.
That's why the position's available.
[Both Snoring] - ## [Middle-Eastern] - Huh? Marvelous! Marvelous! Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing.
Bring me my ranch dressing hose! [Grunting] Homer? Homer! - Homer, wake up! The car's filling with- - I know.
Ranch dressing.
- [Chittering] - A hamster ball! [Gasps] Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! [Both Breathing Deeply] We're free! And we've got something to eat! - [Chittering] - [Gasps] - Whoo-hoo! - Now, let's go save those kids! You're the camel! Hey, this car's got cruise control.
School, please.
## [Humming] Homer, that's not how it- [Screaming] It's happening.
My horoscope was right! So long, Johnny Tremain.
Your Newberry Award won't save you now! Not Huck Finn! I spent hours crossing out the sass-back! - [Gasps] We're gonna crash! - Do you have air bags? No! The church opposes them for some reason! [Screaming] - What was that? - It sounded like a silo tipping over.
Look! The snow's melting! With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! [Groaning] - [All Cheering] - [Homer Gasping] - Dad! - [Groaning] [Gasps] You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.
Huh? - Skinner! - Oh! Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell? Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh- There'd better be a good explanation for this.
- There is, sir.
- Ah! Then I'm happy.
[Horn Honking] Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at it's pretending things didn't happen.
And I think this is one of those.
- One of which? - Exactly.
No, seriously.
I wasn't listening.
- One of those situations where- - Gotcha! Come on, kids.
Let's leave this awful place and never come back.
- [Bang] - Boy, that salt really ate through the car.
- And the exhaust pipe is leaking.
- Wha- And furthermore- [Braying] Ignore her, Effendi.
We have each other.
- Oh, baby.
- Aah! [Homer] No use struggling, my beloved Shelamela.
Merry Christmas from the Simpsons! [Braying] [Braying Continues] - [People Chattering] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  HOMR
The Simpsons s12e09 Episode Script
HOMR
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Air Whooshing] Animation is so great.
It's way better than whatever the alternative is.
Seems like animated shows are everywhere- or were, last year.
Cool! Japanimation.
[Grunts, Roars] Electro-web, deploy! [Gasps, Grunting] Now I control the Roboverse! [Laughs] Your laugh is incorrect, Meganaut! Activate Prawn Power! [Shouts] [Groans] [Whirring] Man, that Princess Tempura's one heck of a Transformazoid.
Wait.
I'm confused.
Why was a wolf shooting a web? Cartoons don't have to make sense.
He's right, you know.
Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons? Mm-hmm.
This one's fine and dandy, Roddy.
It's approved by a council of Presby-Lutheran ministers.
What you making there, Gravey? It's a pipe bomb, Jobriath for to blow up Planned Parenthood.
I don't know, Gravey.
I'm sick of your lack of faith.
Hmm? [Groans] [Muffled] But, Gravey- - [Explosion] - [Together] Yea! And then I created the voice of Yellow-bellied Yak.
All I need is some courage.
Courage, I tell ya.
Excuse me, but isn't that voice very similar to the Cowardly Lion? Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off ofJackie Gleason.
Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina.
And Clutzy Cat sounds exactly likeJerry Lewis with the stealing and the lawsuit and the " Oh, nice judge.
Don't hurt a person with the thing.
" [Instrumental Itchy And Scratchy Theme] [Both Moaning] [Screams] [Man] And cut.
[Man Announcing] After a tough day on the set how do Itchy and Scratchy relax? With Laramie Extra-Tar Cigarettes.
- Here's your smokes, Mr.
Itchy.
- Thank you, Louis.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
And now there's more nico-glycerol.
I don't know what's in 'em.
I just know I can't stop smokin' 'em! [All Laughing] [All Coughing] Wait a minute.
Was that cat making out with that mouse? 'Cause if they were- Folks, you're about to witness the exciting new process of motion-capture animation.
[Wheels Squeaking] - Now, we'll need a vol- - [Homer] Pick me! Pick me! Now, when you move any part of your body, our furry friend will copy you exactly.
Hmm.
Hmm! [Chuckles] # I'm a little teapot, short and stout # # Here is my handle Here is my spout ## [Grunting, Whimpers] Uh, let me see.
[Imitating Marlon Brando] I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.
[Imitating Edith Ann] And that's the truth.
[Raspberry] - ## [Humming] - [Laughing] [Laughs] That dog's a riot.
- [Laughing] - Thank you.
Don't spay or neuter your pets.
Good night! - ## [Humming] - [Applause] ## [Homer Humming] Zipperoonie.
[Sighing] Oh, yeah.
Urinal cake eroding.
Eroding! Eroding! - Gone! - [All Cheer] [Laughing] [All Whimper] [Bird Cawing] That motion-capture suit is just what this country needs.
Just think of all the hilarious motions that are going uncaptured.
Like this.
[Grunting] Hey.
[Grunting] See? Now, wouldn't you love to see that move performed by a cartoon possum? An opossum capering around like that would be a smash hit.
It would be the world's funniest marsupial.
Yeah, right.
That suit gizmo could be worth billions! And I'm gonna get a piece of the action! - [Car Door Closes] - [Tires Squeal] - [Car Departs] - So, does he still work here, or what? I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please.
And hurry! Uh, sir, this is a joint account.
Uh, you'll need your wife's signature too.
Oh! Yes, of course.
Yeah.
Uh, she's behind that plant.
Hello, Marge.
[High-pitched Voice] Hi, Homie.
Sign this, please.
[High-pitched Voice] You're the boss.
[High-pitched Voice] Daddy, ask the man for some candy.
No, no.
No candy for you.
[High-pitched Voice] Well, at least get some candy for yourself.
[Chuckles] Kids.
[Sighs] Here's your candy.
- So long, sucker! - Uh, sir.
Your life savings.
Uh, yes.
I see that it's in bill form.
Excellent.
I'd like to buy 500 shares of Animotion, Incorporated.
- [Beeps] - Okay.
Uh, now, before I execute this order are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership? Absolutely.
We're in the money We're in the money [Roars] You heard the monkey.
Make the trade.
- [Beeps] - [Phone Line Rings] [Woman] For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
- Animotion.
- Animotion, up one and one-half.
- Yahoo! - Yahoo, up six and a quarter.
Huh? What is this crap? Fox Broadcasting, down eight.
Sleep tight, my beloved.
You're my ticket out of this hellhole.
- Homer! - Sorry.
Our ticket out of this hellhole.
[Murmurs] - Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth- - Yes! After plunging 75 points this morning.
Oh.
I hope "plunging" means "up" and "75" means "200.
" The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.
Oh! - [Cowbell Ringing] - [Homer] Family meeting.
Family meeting.
Okay, people.
Let's keep this short.
We all want to get home to our families.
[All Laughing] All right.
First item.
I lost our life savings in the stock market.
Now let's move on to the real issue- Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles.
There, I said it.
Well, maybe if you ate some meat, you'd have a natural lubricant.
[Gasps] You lost all our money? Point of order.
I didn't lose all the money.
There was enough left for this cowbell.
Damn you, eBay! I have a great way to solve our money woes.
You rent your womb to a rich childless couple.
If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Are you crazy? I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother.
Come on, Marge.
We're a team.
It's "uter-us," not "uter-you.
" - Forget it.
- [Whimpers] You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money.
- I'm a human guinea pig.
- You mean like medical testing? Yeah.
Medical, military, chewin' stuff.
- Chewin' stuff? - Yeah.
Like you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous? Ah, you get a few side effects.
- Are those ears? - Ow! Not so loud! Hmm.
First we'll test this experimental perfume on you.
It burns! It burns! [Screaming] Hmm.
We'll call it Desert Breeze.
[All] Mm-hmm.
## [Humming] That appetite suppressant is amazing.
Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food? Food? [Whimpers] I'm blind! [Screaming] Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind? - [Screaming Continues] - We'll let marketing worry about that.
D'oh.
[Whimpers] - [Beeps] - D'oh! - [Beeps] - D'oh! Where did that rat come from? - He must have brought it in with him.
- Hmm.
- [Beeps] - Damn it! Man, is he dumb.
Where do they get these subjects? He's a little too well fed to be a wino.
- Hey.
What's that? - Zoom in on section eight.
- [Typing] - [Beeping] - Rotate 20 degrees.
- [Typing] - [Whirring] - [Beeping] [Both Gasp] Mr.
Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.
There's a crayon in my brain? But I've had thousands of head X-rays.
How come no one ever noticed it before? Oh, I can answer that.
You see, whenever I pick up an X-ray, I always hold it like this.
My thumb must have covered up the crayon every time.
[Chuckles] I'll show myself out.
Do you have any idea how this might have happened? Well, I'm not sure but it might have happened when I was six.
Fourteen.
Fifteen.
Sixteen! Whoo-hoo! Oh, I don't feel so good.
[Sneezes] Ah, I think that's all of them.
Mr.
Simpson, this could be responsible for your subnormal intelligence.
Hey, I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted.
We could remove the crayon for you.
It could vastly increase your brainpower- or it could possibly kill you.
Hmm.
Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it.
- [Car Approaches] - [Tires Screech] Oh, Homer, where have you been? I just underwent a procedure to increase my I.
Q 50 points.
- Really? - And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble too.
Do you feel smarter? Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck? - It is.
- I don't believe it.
- Say something else smart.
- Dr.
Joyce Brothers may be well-known but her psychological credentials are highly suspect.
- It's true! - [Both Gasp] Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "libary" or "tomorry.
" - I'd love to go to the library with you.
- It's a date.
Dad, did you read all these books today? Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud.
It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop.
- I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy.
- Get out.
No, really.
I think books have an amazing power to bring people together.
Look.
Even Cletus is checking one out.
Now hold still.
Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.
Ow! Dang it! Ow! - ## [Piano] - [Man] That sonata may not be a Glenn Gould performance but I must say it's "good as Gould.
" [Chuckles] Hey, Flanders.
Heading for church? Well, I thought I could save you a little time.
Ooh! Found a new shortcut.
Better.
I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no God.
We'll just see about tha- Uh-oh.
Well, maybe he made a mista- No.
It's airtight.
Can't let this little doozy get out.
[Whistling: "The Battle Hymn OfThe Republic"] Welcome to the third lecture in our series on not putting things up your nose.
- Please welcome Homer Simpson.
- [Scattered Applause] I am here to give hope to the least of you because we all have a crayon up our nose.
Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax.
Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice.
- Question.
- Yes, Nelson.
- A moron says what? - Not being a moron, I wouldn't know.
However- [Mumbles] - What? - Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.
- [Groans] - [All] Ha-ha! You see? It's cool to be smart.
So be like me and use your minds.
Paint a painting, sing a song and dance a dance.
[Cheering] Thank you.
Unfortunately, due to budget cuts we are canceling art, music and dance.
Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall.
[All Screaming] So, is that your usual coffee mug? - Yep.
- Hmm.
Looks a little bigger.
- It's not.
- ## [Humming] - What you mailing, Homer? - I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant.
How come you're not giving it to Mr.
Burns? I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
And just in time.
Every day there's more skin on my pillow.
Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant.
Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece.
- Comfy, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.
It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need.
- [Chuckles] Yeah! - [Grunts] It seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistle-blower.
Mm-hmm.
Now, while the plant is brought up to code - there will be massive layoffs.
- [All Gasp] That is to say, total layoffs.
Toodles! [Chattering Angrily] Hmm.
Way to put us out of work, genius.
I can't feed my family with a codpiece.
Wait.
You can't hate me.
I'm your better! Your better! - Oh, you've really done it this time, dum-dum.
- [Whimpers] Burn, burn, burn! Burn, burn, burn! Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy.
Hey! That's me! Stop that.
The fire inspector would be appalled.
Don't tell me how to feel.
[Grunts] - So you all hate me? - That's right, brainiac.
You cost us our jobs, which we need for working! Not to mention driving to.
And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man.
A lot happier.
You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
Hmm.
I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.
- [Groans] - Power off, Einstein.
Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down.
In fact, I made a graph.
I make a lot of graphs.
Well, what gets you through the day? Oh, many things.
Tai chi, chai tea but I find when I can't keep the unhappy thoughts from swirling in my brain the best thing is usually a nice long walk.
A walk? That's a really good idea.
- Hmm? Hmm.
- [Tires Screech] [All Laughing] Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? [Together] I do.
One groom- Two grooms? But he- But you can't- Oh, my medication! [Groans] - Radical! - Is that your final answer? [All Laughing] I don't understand.
That wasn't funny.
Wait a minute.
Somebody's not laughing here.
- It's him.
- Hey.
Don't blame me.
This movie is tired and predictable.
- You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere.
- [All Gasp] I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.
Ably played by Bill Paxton.
It's Bill Pullman, you fool! [Groans] - [Groaning] - Point out your plot holes elsewhere.
Is there no place for the man with the 105 I.
Q? [Monkeys Chittering] I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
Change me back to the blissful boob I was! I'm sorry.
We don't play God here.
That's ridiculous.
You do nothing but play God.
And I think your "octo-parrot" would agree.
[Squawks] Polly shouldn't be.
[Whistles] Look.
What if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon? Oh, that would be heaven.
Say- Moe Szyslak? [Moe's Voice] That's right.
I'm a surgeon.
So what do you want here? Uh, appendectomy, lipo or the sampler? - That's very popular.
- I want you to stick this crayon - into my brain.
- No problem.
The old "Crayola oblongata.
" Ah.
Now for a little powder blue.
Oh, no.
He wouldn't! All right.
Tell me when I hit the sweet spot.
Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher! All right.
All right.
Defense! [Grunts Twice] Defense! [Grunts Twice] Uh, that's pretty dumb, but, uh- - Extended warranty? How can I lose? - Perfect.
Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Who wants lottery tickets? Okay.
It's in his brain.
Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.
- We were what-what in the what-what? - [Groans] Yeah.
Which reminds me, I need a sandwich.
- Hey.
What's this? - I don't know.
Must be something I wrote before Moe fixed me.
"Lisa, I'm taking the coward's way out.
"But before I do, I just want you to know being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are.
" Oh, Dad.
[Grunts] Oh, you want a hug.
Well, that I know how to do.
- [Grunts] - Mmm.
[Homer Munching] Mmm.
Hug.
- [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Pokeymom
The Simpsons s12e10 Episode Script
Pokeymom
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] - [Yelping] - [Laughing] - [Homer Snoring] - [Marge] Homer, get up! Up! Up! Up! [Mumbles, Continues Snoring] - [Mumbling, Grunting] - [Bones Cracking] - [Gasps] Oh, no! - [Muffled Shout] [Groans] What the- - My juice box! Ohh! - Oh, sorry, Homie.
But you promised to take me to the Apron Expo today.
- Just give me 10 more hours.
- Come on.
You and the kids always want to do fun stuff.
- But today we're doing something I like.
- [Groans] They're unveiling a combination apron-smock.
- It's called a "smapron.
" - Did you say "smockron"? - No, smapron.
- Oh.
- [Snoring] - Come on.
It'll be fun! Man, that was a good Apron Expo! I'm gonna wear my apron on the Fourth ofJuly.
And this lead apron will keep me safe downstairs.
[Chuckles] "Grill Power.
" I'm a little disappointed.
There were too many aprons.
It was great, all right.
But all I want to do right now is hit the adjustable sack with a good juice box.
Because when all is said and done- "Prison rodeo today"! [Man On P.
A.
] Welcome to Waterville State Penitentiary.
The contestants you'll see today are actual prisoners on a break from their telemarketing duties.
Now, here comes our first outlaw! - [Bell Rings] - Yee-haw! [Groans] - [All Gasp] - Doggy.
Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks.
He's in here for erecting a nativity scene on city property.
[All Boo] There's so much evil in the world.
- [Crowd Cheering] - [Calf Lowing] [Warden] No, Delbert.
We're not slaughtering the animals.
It's not like that, Warden.
We was just havin' a conversation.
- Ain't that right? - Mm-hmm.
[Warden] Next up's a real lowlife.
Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison.
- [Bull Grunting] - Say hello toJack Crowley.
- [Bellowing] - Yee-haw! Go, bull! Toss his salad! - [Groans] - [Cheering] Oh, he's down! And it looks like old Tornado wants to caramelize his crÃ¨me brÃ»lÃ©e! - Yeah, do that! - Somebody help him! Relax, they got rodeo clowns.
Is my lipstick even? Go like this.
[Popping] Hey! Hey, over here! Here, bully, bully, bully, bully, bully! That's not gonna do it, Marge.
You need something red.
- Whoa! - Hey, toro! Here's something to gore! - Dad! - Not now, honey.
Daddy's busy.
[Bellowing] - [Snorting] - Now for a little calming blue.
- Hey, where's your blue shirt? - I don't have a blue shirt.
Yow! - [Shouts, Groans] - What the- [Grunting] [All Screaming] Maybe it's the tear gas.
[Sniffles] Or maybe this was the best damn prison rodeo ever.
[Man Groaning Softly] How's your back, Homie? I can't complain.
Nah, that's for the prisoners.
You can complain all you want.
Oh, God, my back! It hurts so much! And my job is so unfulfilling! Try to focus on something else.
Mmm, you likeJimi Hendrix, right? - Uh-huh.
- Well, look at that painting.
[Marge] Wow, the artist really captured Jimi's passion and intensity.
[Homer] And his fondness for the guitar.
Thank you kindly, ma'am.
They won't give us art supplies so I had to paint it with pudding.
- A convict painted that? - Yeah.
Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift.
You kiddin'? Look.
He painted a unicorn in outer space.
I'm asking you.
What's it breathing? - Air.
- Ain't no air in space.
There's an air and space museum.
- [Bones Cracking] - Oh, God! My back! Let's get out of this gosh-forsaken heck-hole.
[Groaning] All right.
[Marge] Oh, what a waste of talent.
[Gasps] A sunset.
[Wind Whistling] [Sighs] [Sighs] [Groaning] [Grunting] - They are coming back for us, aren't they? - I don't know.
[Grunting] [Groaning] - How's your back, Dad? - Well, there's a dull ache certainly.
And overlaid on that is a club sandwich of pain.
Only instead of bacon there's agony.
Marge, can I have a B.
L.
T? What are you looking at? Oh, nothing.
How would you feel if I did some volunteer work at the prison? First, I'd feel like having a B.
L.
T.
- then proud of you.
Oh, Homie, I knew you'd support me.
[Kisses, Blows] - [Cracking] - Oh, my back! Hmm? Mrs.
Marge Simpson.
I'm here to teach an art class.
Ooh, art class.
La-di-da.
[Buzzer Buzzes] This is Ike Pross.
He's going to solitary.
Ooh, solitary.
- La-di-da.
- [Buzzer Buzzes] Welcome to "Freeing the Artist Within.
" Not literally, of course.
[Giggling] [Gun Cocks] Okay.
Now, I wanted to paint fresh fruit.
But the prison cafeteria would only give me sauerkraut.
- [Inmates Groaning] - That's depressing.
Let's let a little sunshine in.
[Inmates Groaning] - [Groans] Question? - Can I smell your dress? [All Laugh] Hey, you show some respect.
- This one here's not for smellin'.
- [Grunts] - Why thank you, Jack.
- No problem.
Now, let's paint.
Hey, can I smell your clothes? [Whistles] Your spine is more twisted than Sinbad's take on marriage.
- [Laughing] - So? Just give me some drugs and surgery.
Oh, I'd love to.
But to be honest modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back.
We spend too much time on the front.
Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front.
I'm gonna send you to my chiropractor.
Hey, I thought real doctors hated chiropractors.
Well, that is our official stance.
But between you, me and my golf clubs, they're miracle workers.
[Grunting] That's charming, Sardonicus.
But try to use less of a stabbing action and more of a brushing stroke.
There.
See how much better that feels? Yes.
Much better.
Oh, Jack.
That's so soulful.
How did someone so sensitive end up here? Well, if you really gotta know, I shot a guy named Apu.
Oh.
Well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu.
It's just a hundred-dollar fine now.
Maybe I belong in here.
I got a lotta anger.
I don't see any anger.
I see a yearning for freedom.
Um, do you have a title? "A Time to Kill.
" Titles are hard.
Hello, Homer.
I'm Dr.
Steve.
Please lie down.
Mmm.
[Snoring] Get-Wake up, Homer! Huh? Less yakkin', more crackin'! Now, Homer, we don't actually crack backs.
It's merely an adjustment.
Okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound.
- [Cracking] - There we go.
- Hey.
It feels a little better.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought it might.
Now, I'll need to see you three times a week for, uh, many years.
[Humming] - So how was it in the slammer? - Terrific.
Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.
[Chuckles] That Bob! Oh, and guess who's up for parole.
My diamond in the rough.
- That scary guy? - Scary talented.
- And I'm gonna make sure the parole board knows it.
- You gonna bribe 'em? I might grease the wheels of justice with some cookies.
- Oh, can I have some? - Not till you finish your sundae.
Ohh! [Gulps, Gasps] - Is that enough? - Two more bites! I'm sure your macaroons are scrumptious, Marge.
But I've seen this warden turn down brownies- honest to goodness brownies! Next! [Munching] Oh, it's you.
Well, just let me ink up my old "denied" stamp.
Warden, please.
This man is a gentle soul.
I know he's made mistakes, but someone with his talent belongs on a boardwalk doing caricatures, not behind bars.
Lady, I know he charmed you with some pleases and thank-yous but he wasn't so polite to the guy he shot.
Actually he was.
He waited with me till the ambulance came then ran like a deer.
Well, that's mighty nice.
But if I let this creep out, would you like him skulking around your neighborhood? - Honestly, it wouldn't bother me.
- [Whispering, Indistinct] - Yeah, let's do it.
- Well, lady, I'm gonna call your bluff.
The prisoner is hereby paroled into your custody.
[Gasps] Oh-Oh, my goodness.
I'm free? Oh, Mrs.
Simpson.
- [Choking] - Oh, geez, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
You won't regret this.
I hope this is okay.
- It's not very prison-y.
- It's more than I deserve, ma'am.
Now, which way is Mecca? 'Cause I gotta do a little prayin'.
Uh, Mecca? Well, let- Nah! [Laughing] I'm just yanking your chain! [Laughing] I'm Jewish.
- [Groaning] - [Cracking] Ow! Oh, my back.
Dr.
Steve didn't do anything! - Did you do those exercises he gave you? - Yeah, right.
- I did 'em while you were studying.
[Laughs] - [Laughs] - Ow! - [Cracking] - Oh! Ow! - Dad, are you okay? Yeah.
In fact, I feel fantastic! [Laughing] That trash can must've unkinked your back! Not trash can, Son- Dr.
Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! - Patent pending.
- Okay, okay.
And as you can see, the unique dents in my invention perfectly match the contours of the human "vertebrains.
" Hmm.
Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.
- Hey, who's this guy? - You rememberJack.
He's that talented painter who had a little brush with the law.
You brought a convict to live here near my unpatented idea? I seen your idea, and I don't want it.
All I need is three squares and a job.
That's right, a job.
I know just where you can get one.
So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica? Hmm.
I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes.
- Now go limp.
- I'm limp.
- One, two, better not sue.
- [Groaning] Hey, it worked! My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness.
- Next! - Yes, uh, my car seems to have broken down and I was wondering if I could use your- Oh! That's a pushing motion! Simpson, you're not a licensed chiropractor.
And you're stealing patients from me and Dr.
Steffi.
Boy, talk about irony.
The A.
M.
A.
Tries to drive you guys out of business.
Now you're doing the same to me! - Think about the irony.
- [Grunts] - [Groans] - You've been warned.
Stop chiropracting! Not unless you think about the irony! I read in the Daily Fourth Gradian that you need someone to paint a mural.
Yes.
School spirit is down 3.
4 percent.
- Well, Jack here will do great work for you.
- Oh, any references? Well, to be honest with you, I spent the last six years in Waterville State- It's a small liberal arts college.
Very law-abiding.
No convicts at all.
Well, the only other one to apply was Moe Szyslak and his stuff scares the hell out of me.
Ew! How could anyone consider that making love? All right, Jack.
You're hired.
I'll clear you out a cubby.
- You told a lie for me.
- I know.
But the Lord will forgive me if it helps you get a second chance.
Actually, Marge, it's the third if you count that farm couple.
- Farm couple? - But I got a good feelin' about this one, Marge.
I really do.
[Groans] That is awesome.
Finally, art that doesn't suck.
Dear Lord! What are you doing? - You don't like it? - No, no! It's all wrong.
- A shapely female form has no place in art.
- But what I thought is- - I sketched out exactly what I wanted.
- But what I was goin' for- Did you even look at the napkin? Oh, I was in the zone that day.
Yeah.
You see, I didn't want to go so cutesy-wootsy.
- Because- - Because it's not my style.
Well, if you want to keep this job, you'll make it your style.
All right.
You're the boss man, ain't ya? Darn right I'm the boss.
Don't forget I can send you back where you came from, college boy.
[Groans] [Grunting] That punk Skinner.
I had more freedom back at the joint.
Oh, Jack, I know you hate to betray your artistic vision, but just do it.
- I guess I could bend a little.
- Just till you make it.
Remember, I believe in you.
[Grunting] Thanks, Marge.
Listen, if you're done with that washing machine, can I make some booze in it? - Not until you finish your sundae.
- Yes, ma'am.
- [Groaning] - What's wrong with my sundaes? Careful, I'm frail.
[Grunting] - Okay, that should do it, Moe.
- Hey, it don't hurt no more.
Huh! Now I can focus on my crippling emotional pain.
Oh, Daddy, Daddy, why? Why won't you hug me? You hugged the mailman! - Excuse me, sir.
Is this El ClÃ­nico Magnifico? - Ah, you saw our bus ad.
We'd, uh, like to invest in your spinal adjustment device.
We might be able to do business.
[Giggles] We'll need to take some photographs.
Hey, where you going with that? [Grunting] Wait a minute.
No investor could bend like that! They're chiropractors! - [Both Grunting] - Come on, come on.
Let's go! No! My Spine-O-Cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can! Forget it, Homer.
It's Chiro-town.
You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural I almost thought he said a school Muriel.
[Laughs] Muriel's his sister.
- And, uh- - [Gun Cocking] - Oh, thank you, Bruce Vilanch.
- Whoopi would've made it work.
And now I present Puma Pride by a college-educated artist- - [All] Ooh! - Jack Crowley.
[Applauding] - Man, is that wimpy.
- [Groans] What happened to the cool one? - Well, my original idea was- - Jeepers, that's sugary even for my taste.
- Yeah, but Skinner said I had- - [Crowd Murmuring] Skinner! How are we going to raise school spirit with this sappy hokum? I know, sir.
It's an embarrassment.
This isn't what I wanted.
Where's the edge? I followed your napkin.
No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth! - No! No, don't fight.
- [Grunts] All great art is controversial at first.
But years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say "That's a Jack Crowley.
" Now, uh, pizza's working well on Thursday.
But I think the kids will follow it to Tuesday.
That's what you said about the stuffed peppers, and you lost the young males! - Principal Skinner, the school's on fire! - [Gasps] [Children] Spread, spread, spread! - Spread, spread, spread! - It's crystal clear who did this-Jack Crowley! No way.
You don't know thatJack did this.
- Just because he's an ex-con- Ooh! - Crowley's an ex-con? Dear Lord, I've peed in front of him! Hey, check it out! - [Children Exclaiming] - Ha! Now that's a mural! It's so passionate.
It almost leaps off the wall.
- Ooh.
- That felon could've torched the whole school- were it not stuffed with asbestos.
We'll catch Crowley.
And then he'll learn the fine art of police brutality.
Psst! Marge, over here.
Oh, Jack.
You threw it all away over a stupid feud with Skinner.
Look, I'll admit I hate Skinner.
But I didn't start that fire.
- Then why are you hiding? - Come on, Marge.
With my rap sheet, they can't wait to send me back to prison.
And you can't believe the foul language in that place.
So you really didn't do it? Marge, look in my eyes.
I swear to you I did not do it.
I believe you, Jack.
Now, let's get you out of here.
Wait for my signal.
Oh, Chief? I found some evidence that points to the real arsonist.
- Well, let's see it.
- Not yet.
You have to guess what it is.
We don't have time for guessing games! Nah, let's try it.
It might be fun.
- Is it D.
N.
A? - [Groans Coyly] So it's like D.
N.
A.
Um, a hatchet? You had a turn.
I want to guess.
- [Clicks Tongue] Oh, geez.
- [Gasps] My car! [Cackling] Puma Pride! Puma Pride! [Cackling] Catch the fever, Skinner! [Cackling] You crumb bum! You looked me right in the eye and lied to me! Marge, this is the God's truth.
I burned the mural.
But I did not burn Skinner's car.
I just saw you! - Get him outta here, Chief! - Yes, ma'am.
My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO.
Uh, i-is prison really like that? - Wouldn't know.
We only get basic cable.
- Ouch.
Yeah, I also like that Sex in the City.
Huh! None of those girls look like my wife.
[Laughing] - Sports Center's not bad.
- Yeah.
I never got that show.
- What's to get? They just tell the scores.
- Yeah, I suppose.
Hey, you ever meet any mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos? - I told you.
We just get basic cable.
- Oh, right, right, right, right.
[Wiggum] Listen, if I'm getting too chatty, just, uh-just tell me to shut up.
[Crowley] Nah, I'm enjoyin'it.
Hey, you ever watch them strong-man contests? [Crowley] Nah, I'm enjoyin'it.
Hey, you ever watch them strong-man contests? They're pretty good.
Those guys look strong.
A lot of guys in prison say they're gay, but I don't know.
They look strong to me.
- [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Worst Episode Ever
The Simpsons s12e11 Episode Script
Worst Episode Ever
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Moans] Mmm, good pancakes, Mom.
Well, thank you, honey.
They come in a squeeze bottle now.
- [Flatulence Sound] - Whoo! [Clears Throat] I better put on the silencer.
- [Silenced Blasts] - You know what would be good with these? Is some Ms.
Butterworth.
Let's have a breakfast meeting.
Ew.
How long has this baking soda been in here? I don't know.
It came with the house.
Hey, Dad.
I bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box.
Five.
Why don't we make it 50? Oh-ho.
You're gonna regret this.
I'll call Poison Control.
Fran, it's me.
Just a heads-up.
Wow.
[Sniffs] The absorbed odors of a million meals.
Oh, so many flavors! All those tasty memories flooding back.
[Panting] [Johnnie Cochran] If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
## [Disco] [Richard Nixon] Therefore, I shall resign the presidency.
[Neil Armstrong] Just one small step for man one giant leap for mankind.
[Laughs] Uh-oh.
Dad's having an antacid trip.
And I won 50 bucks.
Can I see the 50, Bart? Can I? Huh? Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees.
- What about jags? - Jags are fine.
Wonderful.
- [Clears Throat] - A $50 bill? Gentlemen, let us shop.
Our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and ball.
I'm not really about gum.
But I like the whole chewing thing.
- Are you averse to crispy centers, sir? - Not at all.
Then we have much to discuss.
[Moaning] Too much raw bacon.
Come on, Bart.
We can't stop spending now.
There's one thing I've always wanted to do.
My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener.
But she's not around! I'm picking the next thing.
Looks like we're down to our last 10 bucks.
Hello.
Radioactive Man, number 1,000, please? Ten dollars? I laugh at you.
Please to note, this is no ordinary comic book.
It is in perma-mint condition.
If you spill soda on it, the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics.
- [Both Gasp] - Yes, you are quite correct to gasp.
Also note the price, $25.
We had to buy lunch for that homeless guy.
While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room.
How much will you give me for this? Probably nothing.
But let us see.
Oh! Handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas? Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape.
Film reel labeled, " Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca"? Ooh! Ooh! I'll give you five dollars for the box.
Sold! Don't do it, lady! That stuff s worth thousands! - Yeah! He's ripping you off! - [Chuckles] Well, if this is valuable, then back to the leaky basement it goes! Hmph! - Smile, please.
- [Camera Shutter Snaps] Thank you.
[Both Gasp] Son, I know it hurts.
I still remember my first lifetime banning.
[Crowd Applauding] [Grunts] [Groans] Hey, where's my melon? [Screams] And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! - But I can still see your movies, right? - [Groans] [Crying] And I never saw Gallagher again.
Oh, it says here that special effects whiz Tom Savini is gonna be appearing at the comic book store tonight.
- Tom Savini? - Yes.
It says here he's the movie magician behind Creepshow Friday the 13th, and Dawn of the Dead.
[Moans] I can't believe I'm gonna miss that.
Don't worry your spiky little head.
I've got it all planned out.
How could you have it planned out? You just heard about the problem.
You're right.
Give me a minute.
Hmm.
Mr.
Simpson, it hurts! Yeah.
And why did we have to do this all the way from home? For once in my life, I'm tall.
Don't take that away from me.
Hello.
I'm Shaquille O'Neal.
Let us in, please.
- [All Gasp] - You two are not welcome.
- Sorry, Son.
- Thanks for the tip-off.
No problem.
Appearing exclusively here at The Android's Dungeon- Take that, Messieurs Barnes and Noble.
The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening.
[Clears Throat, Belches] Sorry, I had a really big dinner.
- Whoo! Dinner! - But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.
[Moaning] [All Gasp, Laugh] - [Cheering] - Oh, we missed the gut buster! Yeah.
That should be us covered with blood.
Sure, computer technology is here to stay.
But there'll always be a place for the practical special effects wizard.
Hey! All right! [Laughs] I love the theater.
Oh, please.
I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched.
Try to explode this out of my belly.
- That's not a cookie.
- [Moans] - That's a time-release blood pack.
- [Groaning] You, sir, are a perfect patsy.
Let me shake your hand.
To the gag, I will give a D-plus.
As for the workmanship on the hand, it- Oh.
[Groaning] That's not right! You mocking me! Oh, that is rich.
- [Groaning] - [Crowd Laughing] Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned I tell you! [Grunts, Groans] Breath short.
Left arm numb.
Can't go on describing symptoms much longer.
[Groans] [Gasps] I think he's had a heart attack.
[All Gasp] Young man, you've had what we call a "cardiac episode.
" Worst episode ever.
Oh, not even close.
If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now.
I'm just kidding.
But you would be dead.
You saved my life? Yeah.
After you were so mean to us.
- So now we're even.
- My prognosis- Or is it diagnosis? Whichever.
You need to avoid stress.
Now what kind of work do you do? I run a comic book store.
Oh, dear Lord! We call that profession "the widow-maker!" Or we would if any of the proprietors were married.
You should close down the store for a while.
But I'd lose all my business to Frodo's of Shelbyville! Well, then get a friend to run it for you.
You do have friends, don't you? Well, the Super Friends.
Well, you should get some friends who aren't printed on paper.
What? You mean action figures? - We'll run the store for ya! - Two 10-year-olds running my store? I mean-Wait.
What is this? Bizarro World? Calm down! Don't make me put a dog heart in there.
[Bell Rings On Door] Can you believe it, Bart? We're actually running a comic book store.
Looks like our lifetime ban just expired.
[Siren Blaring] - Sorry! Sorry! - [Siren Stops] Okay.
Here's Comic Book Guy's instructions.
"A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar a can of chocolate frosting"- That's just his shopping list.
No.
It's his instructions.
Well, we're gonna make some changes around here.
This store's gonna be run by kids and for kids.
You said it, partner.
Ah, nice to see ya.
Hey, how about that Bloodzilla? Vampire Dinosaur? Oh, you can't make that stuff up.
"The Death of Sad Sack.
" This better not be another fake out.
Uh-uh.
You gotta be 40 inches tall for the adult section.
Please? Okay.
But get on your tippie toes.
Everybody's hugging! Hey, Bart.
Lfinished organizing the stockroom.
Mark down the Poochie crap.
Then unstick all the Supergirls.
You know, if we're partners, maybe you should do some of the work.
- Less barking, more marking.
- Yes, sir, partner.
- [Door Closes] - [Sighs] Now, when you've got a bum ticker like we do you need all the friends you can get.
And Moe's is the friendliest place in the rum district.
Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with ya.
I'll give you till three.
One- [Body Thuds] - Hey, Homer, who's the manatee? - [Customers Laughing] Ah, now, be nice, Moe.
This guy just got outta the hospital.
Ah, sorry.
Let me buy you a drink.
Very well.
I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps.
[Chuckles] Uh, these, they're just painted on there.
Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings.
I'll pass.
Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff! Ah, a piece a crap.
- Come on.
You're here to make friends.
- Oh, please.
If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.
Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners.
Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal.
Get him! And stay out! Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness.
" Ah, yes.
Garl dack! [Lisa] Milhouse, I'm impressed.
The store is so busy.
You and Bart are really great businessmen.
Well, I'm really the brains.
Bart's just the eye candy.
Hi, Eric Reynolds, Plan Nine Comics.
Is the manager here? Well, I'm kinda the comanager.
Tough break, toots.
I need a man who answers to no one.
A full manager.
Hotchie-machie.
[Grunting] I can help you, sir.
And I answer to no one.
Hmm? Well, then you'll want to stock up on our new superhero.
Would you say he's the ultimate superhero? Oh, very ultimate indeed.
Point your peepers at Biclops! [Gasps] A superhero with glasses! Oh, yeah.
Thick glasses.
Kinda like yours.
So how many you need- - 600 sounds good.
- Aw, that's too bad.
There's a price break at a thousand.
Oh, man! I'll take 2,000.
Human contact: The final frontier.
[Whimpers] - Out of the way, Tubby! - [Gasps] Well, pardon me, Oldie Hawn.
[Gasps] Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap! Oh, goody.
Now I know whatever happened to BabyJane.
You are the rudest man who ever bought me dinner.
Correction.
I do not believe I have ever bought you- Oh.
[Door Closes] So how many issues of Biclops would you like? Biclops? Who's his girlfriend, Lois Lame? He's kinda afraid of girls.
[Groans] It doesn't even smack good.
How could you spend all our money on a comic book published by LensCrafters? We'll never sell these.
- Birds won't even use them in their nests.
- [Bird Cawing] Okay! So I made one bad decision! It's my fault for leaving you in charge.
Sometimes I forget how young you are.
I'm only three months younger than you.
Oh, look.
You're getting cranky.
You haven't had your juice.
Well, my straw broke off in the carton.
That's not the point! We're supposed to be partners! And you're pushing me around like a Playskool corn popper.
[Chuckles] It's a vacuum cleaner, Milhouse.
Whatever! I demand respect! I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you! Shh.
Use your indoor voice.
Okay, that's it! Huh? Oh.
[Screams] - [Screams] - [Moans] En garde! Oh! [Both Grunting] Eat watering can, partner! Whoa! Comic Book Guy's secret stash.
Look at all these bootleg videos.
Alien Autopsy.
Illegal Alien Autopsy.
Godfather IIl: Good Version.
He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose.
Look! He's picking his nose! [Agnes] I'll be right down.
I'm just putting on my witch hazel.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! So, uh, your mother tells me you go to Springfield Elementary.
Exactly what is your interest in my mother? - She makes me laugh.
- Here I come! [Scraping Railing] [Gasps] Good Lord, Mother! I can see your figure.
Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check.
What I do for my allowance money is nobody's business.
He's not nobody.
He might even be your new daddy.
[Both Laughing] "Police informant tape"? These are never supposed to leave the station.
- I really hate to be a snitch.
- [Wiggum] Don't worry.
Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house.
It's, uh- It's taken over the whole top floor.
It wasn't Dad's fault.
The ape tricked him.
- What's next? - "Mister Rogers Drunk.
" [Drunkenly] Well, what do you mean I can't take off my sweater? - I'm hot! - You know, I'll bet kids would pay to see this stuff.
We could have a midnight screening right here in the store! [Gasps] That's actually a great idea, Milhouse.
Really? Well, I was due.
I'll say partner.
[Marge] So many restaurants.
Oh, I can't decide! I throw myself on the mercy of the food court! Um, I guess I'll have the chicken tandoori.
And I'll have the beef Wellington.
[Buzzer Beeping] Oh, look at you two.
You look so "coupley.
" Yes, well, we're a perfect match.
Her sneer just lights up my day.
And we're always finishing each other's insults.
[Man] #And they called it # # Puppy love # - # Oh, I guess they'll never know # - [All Moan] [Both Laughing] Oh, that does my heart good.
# How a young heart # # Really feels # Oh! [Laughs] # And I love her so # Sunsets.
Thank God there's only one of these a day.
Could it be any more orange? [Sighs] I must warn you that once this next tape starts it will not stop because that button is broken.
Let's watch.
If you are watching this tape, you are the president of the United States.
Hello, sir, or ma'am.
Hopefully sir.
- Got that right.
- [Both] Yes! The town of Springfield has been classified "N.
W.
B.
," or "Nuclear Whipping Boy.
" In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles.
[All] Yea! Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman.
[Groans] Thanks a lot, Steve! All right, this is a raid.
[Boys Grunting] - [Children Murmuring] - Well, well, well this place has got more pirated tapes than, uh- A Chinese Kmart? Well, that'll have to do.
Are these yours, son? No, sir.
We were just exhibiting them for profit without permission.
Fair enough.
But the owner is in more hot water than- - AJapanese tea bag? - Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou? [Man Singing Softly] [Kissing] Well, you've changed me, Agnes.
Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics.
Nobody'll buy those.
Your store smells.
Now kiss me, funny face.
All right! Oh! Oh, dear God! Cover your eyes, boys! - [Gagging] - It's okay, man.
If it doesn't affect you, you're not human.
Uh, Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos.
But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on fast! - God! - Come on, Romeo.
[Handcuffs Locking] They can't lock me up for long, Agnes.
Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.
Well, we may not have the store but at least we're friends again.
Yep.
And we haven't been to school in days and days and days.
Oh, well.
Looks like everything's back to normal.
- [Chitters] - Ow.
Look, if you want me to turn, just point.
That's- Ow! It's one way! - [Slapping] - Ow! Now what was that for? - [Slapping] - Ow! Now what was that for? - [Slapping] - Ow! Ow! Ow! - [Murmuring] - Shh.
[Agnes] Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Tennis the Menace
The Simpsons s12e12 Episode Script
Tennis the Menace
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Aaah! ## [Whistling] - Aaah! - [Laughs] - Ooh! - [Laughing] Cool.
[Homer] Ooh! Aaah! Ooh! Aaah! Aaah! Ooh! Aaah! - Hmm.
- ## [Homer Screaming Notes: "Mary Had A Little Lamb'"] - [Laughing] - Stop that.
And get ready.
We're going to the old folks' talent show.
Now get washed up.
- With pleasure.
- ## [Homer Screaming Notes] - [Audience Laughing] - Ever notice after dialysis you always get the munchies? [Laughing] He's saying the stuff we all forgot.
And you know what I can't open? [Chuckles] Cabinets.
Can he say that? You know what else scares me? Everything.
## [Orchestra: "Sabre Dance'" By Khachaturian] Get that one! Faster! You gotta have time for the other ones.
Oh! Good.
Oh, no! That one's slowin' down! Oh, good.
Oh, that one's wobbly.
- Oh, you got that before I even said it.
- #What's new, pussycat # - [Bones Crack] - # Ow, ow, ow, ow # - #What's new, pussycat Oh, God, no ## - [Applause] Wasn't he great, folks? Now, all the contestants are gonna receive extra servings of honey mush.
But there can only be one winner and, uh, since Abe's already standing here, what the heck.
Wow! A free auto.
- No, keep reading.
- Oh.
Hey, let's get this down to the funeral home before they try to back out.
Hmm.
Well, this autopsy coupon appears to be valid.
What other funerary services may be provide for the predeceased? Oh, the whole deal- Coffin, tombstone, anti-stink spray.
Sir, we prefer the term "casket" to coffin and "monument" to tombstone.
We have all the leading brands of anti-stink spray.
[Homer Chuckles] What funny names.
[Imitating Airplane] He's heading into Dead Man's Curve! - Aaah! Get me out ofhere! - [Chuckling] Oh, the living.
Well, fortunately, this model features the "cadaver cam.
" [Frantic Cries] [Laughs] Look at him go.
That thing got picture-in-picture? Of course.
This is the Contempo.
[Audience Cheering] Aw, geez.
How come they never call traveling anymore? This is the deluxe area.
The caskets are buried in unused, virgin graves the monuments are completely self-cleaning and there is an optional "weeping widow" service.
[Bawling] Wally, Wally, Wally! [Bell Dings] [Bawling] Irving! Oh, Irving! Oh, bury me over here.
Please? Whoa, whoa.
This is gettin' kind of pricey.
Sir, what lies beyond this life is a mystery but we do know for sure that God prefers people who travel in style.
Hear that? If you cheapskate me into hell, I'll haunt you good.
Imagine this when you're sittin' on the john.
[Gibberish] - [Continues] - Okay! Okay, with mole insurance, your total comes to - $17,000.
- What? [Groans] Or you could just toss him in the woods and let the wolves carry him off.
It's really up to you.
- Mr.
Salesman? - Yes? We're gonna go with the wolves.
- [Growling] - Beat it.
[Whimpering] Dad, I love you this much.
But that's just under $900.
I wish I could go 17,000, but- Hmm? Hmm? Sir, if I may, think of it as an investment in extravagance.
The Mauso-Palooza can be seen from space.
It'll consume as much cement as a regulation-size tennis court.
Tennis court, eh? Oh, I can't believe we went through all that just to wind up with a tennis court.
I bet you didn't see that comin'.
You don't care what happens to me when I die.
Of course I do, Dad.
Aw.
And if it were up to me, you wouldn't die at all.
But try telling that to "Killy McGee" up there.
[Rhythmic Thudding] - Hey, what on earth are you doing? - Practicing tennis.
That's tennis? [Groans] Then what's the one where the chicks whale on each other? - Foxy boxing? - Yes! That's what I wanted.
[Wailing] - [Ratcheting] - " And finally, make sure the net is tight and springy.
" - [Grunts] - [Barking] - [Howls] - Hmm.
That seems about right.
You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy.
I hear Mel Brooks has one.
I mean Sir Mel Brooks.
And it's bad news for the gophers.
- [Creaking] - [Both Grunting, Muttering] - And it's gonna do wonders for our social life.
- Yeah! It'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
- Hey, you got a tennis court? - Keep walkin', Flanders.
- Will do.
- Faster.
- [Grunts] - [Grunts] - [Grunts] - [Chomping, Grunts] - [Grunts] - [Grunts] Sorry.
I grunted way too early.
[Chuckles] We win again.
Hey, this was a lot of fun, guys.
Yeah, we never knew nobody with their own tennis rink.
So what happens now? Is the food free, or do we pay someone? Course not.
They send ya a bill.
Well, that's why I asked.
That's how you learn- By asking, you dumb-ass.
- [Grunts] - [Grunts] [Grunts] Can you believe it? - Kent Brockman playing on our court.
- [Woman] Match point.
And how about that Stephanie the weather girl? [Growls] - [Ball Strikes Racket] - Homer, ball! [Grunts, Groans] [Laughs] That's game, set and match to us.
But the real winners here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
Wow.
How do you come up with such witty remarks? - [Chuckles] Well- - [Static] Come on, come on.
Hurry up.
"I guess you could say it's my racket.
" [Chuckling] I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
[Gasps] Get off my property.
So from now on - all hats are banned from the school.
- Even bonnets? - Especially bonnets.
- I've had it with that school.
- [Doorbell Rings] - Door.
[Humming] Oh! Chief Wiggum.
Are you here to make a bust of some kind? No, we're just, uh, checking- to make sure you're having a crime-free morning.
As far as I know.
- Hey, you know what would be a real crime? - What's that, Lou? Lettin' that tennis court go to waste.
Would you boys like to play tennis? Why, yes.
Yes, we would.
- Okay.
We'll be right out.
- Let's roll, Lou.
[Humming] - Take it, Lou.
- ## [Humming] - Huh? - Well! Hello, Marge.
- Lovely day for tennis, eh? - I thought you had your own court.
He did, but he had it converted into a human chessboard.
- Hey, Burns has been gone for a while.
- Let's make a run for it.
Come back, fools! Protect me.
- [Grunting] - [Groaning] - [Moe Grunts] - [Grunts] Hey, check it out.
I'm surfing the net.
- [All Laughing] - Oh, that's good.
His clowning around is putting me at ease.
- [Grunts] - [Grunts] - No.
- [Moe] Yes! We win again.
Will you get serious, Homer? I'd like to win at least once.
Come on, Marge.
All sports have their lovable clowns- - John Rocker, O.
J.
Simpson, Dorf.
- [Growls] Hey, Homer, here's a bloopie for you.
I've got it.
It's in the bag.
- Oh! [Groaning] - [Laughing] Mm-mmm.
Hey, Chief, we're gonna bust up that crack house tonight.
- We did that last night.
- Yeah, but this time we got the right address.
- Uh, you comin'? - I'd love to, Lou, but uh, I'm playing tennis at the Simpsons' again.
Oh, Maggie, are your ears burning? The Simpsons? You mean the L.
A.
Clippers of backyard tennis? Yeah.
They're easier to beat than a suspect in shackles.
- Pretty easy to beat a suspect in shackles, Chief.
- That's a joke, Lou- It's on the Simpsons and their easy "beatability.
" - [Both Laughing] - [Gasps] - I think they enjoy being humiliated.
- [Groans] I don't know what's sadder about the Simpsons- the fact that we mock them, or that they shall never know.
- [Groans] - Never, ever, ever.
- Ever.
- [Gasps] [Groans] Do I have cooties? No! Aw, this home testing kit saved me a fortune.
You'll never guess what I heard in the supermarket today.
I found out we're the laughingstock of the town.
Oh.
Well, that's bad news for Dingbat Charlie.
He's gonna be crushed.
I thought our tennis court was bringing us a little respectability.
Instead, people make fun of our lousiness.
Okay.
Now, some of that is me.
All of that is you.
You've gotta take this more seriously.
Okay, honey.
I can see this means a lot to you.
I'll practice till my elbow is swollen and discolored.
That's all I ask.
[Grunting] No.
It's a smooth motion.
You follow through with your racket.
- [Grunts] - [Rattling] Uh-oh.
[Explosion] - [Beeping] - You know, this is such a beautiful day.
I don't know why we don't operate outside more often.
[Continuous Beeping] Time of death, 10:15.
[Laughs] [Humming] Good news, honey.
I found a way to prove to the town we're not losers.
I've entered us in a doubles tournament.
- What? We're not ready to compete.
- Don't worry.
The tournament's not till tomorrow.
Okay, get ready for the serve.
[Grunts] Aaah! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! How embarrassing.
You take over, Bart.
Lisa! Lisa, beer me.
- I'll be right out, honey.
- Oh, that's okay.
Bart's doing fine.
You just have another beer.
Now, that's the kind of nagging I can live with.
So Barney's, like, "You're on your own, dude.
" And I'm, like, "Not even.
" - I don't know what this has to do with the Civil War.
- I'm getting to that.
- [Marge Groans] - [Grunts] - [Marge, Bart Grunting] - Lookin' good, honey.
I think you and I might just win this tournament dealie.
Hey, Bart.
- Yeah! You got your daddy's hustle.
- [Grunting] Too busy to reply, huh? I know how that goes.
Well, I think I'll go lay out my clothes for the tournament.
[Humming] Perfect.
[Humming] [Scatting] Well, I'm ready for the big tournament.
- Hey there, son.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
[Chuckles] With that little outfit on everyone's gonna think you're playing in the tournament.
- I am playing in the tournament.
- [Chuckles] It's gonna be tough without a partner.
- I've got a partner.
- Well, good for you.
Anyone I know? - Yeah, you know her.
- Oh! Hello, Homer.
Good morning, partner.
Uh, there's something I should tell you.
The name of Bart's partner? I'm all ears.
Well, actually the name of Bart's partner is, uh- - Yes, darling? - I'm Bart's partner.
No! No, no, no.
You're my partner.
- Dude, I think the lady's made her decision.
- I'm sorry, Homie.
We'll talk about it later, okay? No! [Whimpering] - Traitors! - [Glass Shatters] - [Brakes Squealing] - Uh-oh.
I don't think they saw me.
I'm gonna put my trophy on the mantel.
How about you? I was thinking mantel too.
Talk about being on the same wavelength.
Hello, Marge.
Hello, Bart.
How are the tennis partners? Oh, Homie, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Don't touch me.
Your hands feel like salad tongs.
I just wanted to win for once.
Please don't take it as a threat to your manhood.
[Gasps] My manhood? I never thought of that.
We were good, Dad.
They asked us to play in the Krusty Klassic.
It's for charity.
It benefits victims of balcony collapse.
We can wipe out B.
C.
In our lifetime.
I don't care about B.
C.
I care about M.
E.
- My enjoyment.
[Bawling] It's obvious what's happening.
I'm being replaced by a younger, more in-your-face version of me.
Dad, you're just going through a classic oedipal anxiety.
You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you? Well, maybe five bucks would refresh my memory.
[Groans] Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Ugh! Who pays for that wedding? I'm just saying you feel threatened by Bart, but it's all in your head.
You're right.
But just to be safe, maybe I should chain him up.
- Dad, I think you're overreacting.
- I think you're under-reacting.
- This session's over.
- This session's under.
- Good-bye.
- Bad-bye.
[Moaning] No.
No! Stay away from my wife, Bart.
Darling, you're so much "handsomer" than my first husband.
I may have the looks, but he's the trophy husband.
[Evil Laugh] He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun but it was the perfect place to shoot him.
[Moaning] That's the guy.
That's the guy from my dream.
Go ahead and smile, smart guy.
I'm gonna mop you up like turkey gravy.
[Grunts] Are you sure you want me to be your doubles partner? - Absolutely, sweetie.
- And you're not doing it out of spite? [Laughing] No, of course not.
Now, aim for your mother's heart.
Ew! Dad, I don't want to enter the tournamentjust to hurt Mom.
Oh, come on.
You've been gunnin' for queen bee ever since you buzzed into this hive.
- Now serve.
- [Grunts] Lisa! Did you make that awful effigy? Hey, leave my teammate alone.
Lisa's your teammate? [Laughing] What's so funny? I'm better than you.
Now, Lisa, you know that's not true.
How would you know? Your backhand looks like a rusty gate.
- Well, you little- Come on, Bart.
- Babies.
[Chomping] [All Growling] Telegram for Lisa Simpson.
[Imitates Opening Envelope] - Don't listen.
It's a trick.
- Dear Lisa.
Psych! Psych, psych, psych.
Signed, super psych.
I think he's trying to psych you out.
Look, we're all trying to have dinner so why don't we just- Psych, psych, psych! [Crowd Cheering] - [Grunts] - [Grunts] [Both Groan] Oh, where did you buy that novelty hand, sir? This? Oh, it's just fluid collecting.
[Sloshing] Hey, hey! What do you think, folks? I hope I don't get arrested for racket earring.
- [Sparse Chuckling] - Huh? Huh? Aw, what do you want? I'm not gonna do "A" material for charity.
And after all, that is why we're here.
Well, look who's here.
- You two are goin' down.
- No, we're not.
You're going down.
Did you hear that? She said we're going down.
All we can do is play our very best.
Oh, that's loser talk.
[Bawling] Now I'd like to introduce two of the tennis world's most unbeatable players- - Venus and Serena Williams.
- [Crowd Cheering] Unbeatable, eh? - Comin' through! Hey, hi, Otto.
- [Groaning] [Slurping] Sorry.
- [Chuckles] - What are you doing? - That's our dad's seat.
- Hey, that's great.
Listen, I need a new doubles partner.
My little girl's a lead weight.
You're dumping your own daughter? Yeah, but only to crush my wife and son.
- That's horrible! - Yeah, that's pretty low.
- Hmm.
You seem less disgusted.
Let's go.
- Aaah! Our next match is Marge and Bart Simpson- - [Homer] Boo! You rot! - [Crowd Cheering] - Versus Homer and Lisa- - Bup-bup.
Sorry.
That's Homer and Venus Simpson.
[Murmuring] Venus Simpson? You're replacing me? Now, Lisa, "dumping" is such a harsh word.
- Let's just say I'm replacing you.
- [Moans] [Bell Dings] - [Gasps] - [Wiggum] Fifteen love.
Once again, I'm outraged by this last-minute switch.
We all got problems.
I dropped my cookie.
- [Gun Cocks] - You sure you wanna risk it? It's totally unfair for one side to have a professional player.
All right, all right.
You guys can have Serena.
[Groaning] I just ate a personal pizza.
- You're dumping me? - Honey, I'll make it up to you in bottle rockets.
[Groans] Okay, swing.
Run.
- Hit the thing.
Now run across the- - [Grunts] - Yeah.
- [Grunts] Whoopsie.
Marge, how bad do you wanna win? Oh.
Oh, I'd do anything.
Good.
Yo, Pete.
Pete Sampras.
- Hmm? - Get over here.
Yes! I'm in.
- Hmm? - [Laughing] Everybody's been dumped but me.
I'm "un-dumpable.
" - [Man] Yoink.
- My tennis stick.
- Who are you? - I'm Andre Agassi.
- The wrestler? - Come on, tubby.
Get off the court.
Scat! Come on, let's play.
I've gotta tape a Ho Hos commercial.
- Which one am I, Serena or Venus? - You're Andre.
I'm Serena.
[Laughs] You're a girl.
Why don't we stop this nonsense? I'm not mad anymore.
Me neither.
I'm just enjoying some world-class tennis.
You know, there's a lesson here for all of us- - It's better to watch stuff than to do stuff.
- Amen.
After the tournament, let's go out for a nice family dinner.
[Chuckles] Courtesy of Pete Sampras.
D-oh! Sorry.
[Chuckles] [Homer] Sucker.
- [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Day of the Jackanapes
The Simpsons s12e13 Episode Script
Day of the Jackanapes
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy! [Crying] [Announcer] Welcome back to America's favorite game show- [All] Me Wantee! [Announcer] And here's that question-asking guy, Virgil Sinclair! - All right, Moe Szyslak.
- Yes, Virgil.
Yesterday, we asked if you wanted to risk it all for $500,000.
And you stalled for 20 minutes.
Yes.
Yes, I did.
I was told to.
Hey, that's great.
But now we must have your answer in the next 10 or 15 minutes.
[Crowd] Ooh.
You want some of this? Well, do ya? - I can honestly say I do.
- All right then! For half a million dollars which of the following is not a subatomic particle? Oy.
[Sinclair Reading] Oh, boy.
All right, let's see here.
Uh, well, I was born in Indiana.
So that ain't it.
And, uh- Hmm.
I better call my lifeline.
[Rings] Hello? Hey, Moe.
We're watching you on TV! Yeah, I know, Homer.
So, how's that bowel obstruction doing? Homer, please! [Chuckles] I got a nuclear-type question here.
Well, it all starts when a "nulecule" comes out of its nest.
- The answer is bonbon! - I'm gonna say "bonbon.
" Bonbon, eh, Moe? Is that your ultimate response? - Yeah-huh.
- Ohh.
You are correct! - [Sighs] - [Chuckles] Well, Moe, would you like to stop where you are, or try for one million dollars? [Crowd Gasps] Well, gee, I really do love currency.
But, um, I think I'm gonna play it safe and stick with what I got.
- You're the boss.
- Yes, I am.
[Cheering] Aw, this quiz show crap is just a fad.
- Fad or not, it's here to stay.
- And it's killing your show in the ratings.
What do you want from me? I do a kids' show.
And it's a classic.
We just want you to open it up.
Run wild, shatter the boundaries, slash and burn.
- Without alienating anyone.
- Oy! These ferkachted network notes.
Can you believe this? All we're saying is be dangerous, but warm.
- And edgy-cute.
- [Screaming] Did that exit work for you? - I'd like to see it without the scream.
- I was just thinking that.
- [Barking] - ## [Theme] Hey, hey, kids! Let's hear it for Madam Mimi and her cheese-seeking poodles! [All Cheering] We'll be back with a sketch set in the craziest place! A restaurant! [Laughs] And roll commercial.
Krusty, yeah, quick thought about this restaurant set.
- Huh? - Could it look more like a diner? - Ooh, the Seinfeld diner.
- Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds! - 'Cause the great thing about Seinfeld was the- - You're on, Krusty.
Ah, nothing like a meal in a fine restaurant.
Ah, here comes the waitress.
We're losing male teens.
Can you get jiggy with something? You're giving me notes while I'm on the air? That tears it! Folks, I've been in show biz for 61 years.
But now these jerks have sucked all the fun out.
I don't need 12 suits telling me which way to pee.
For "pee," could you substitute "whiz"? I don't know.
That could upset the Cheez Whiz people.
- I was just thinking that.
- I can't take it anymore! Folks, don't miss this Friday's show.
It'll be my last.
- [All Gasp] - Quitting show biz.
- No, I like the area.
But where does it go? - Get away from me! - Wait! - We have more notes! [Grunting] Get off, damn you! You can kill me, but two more will take my place! I can't believe Krusty's retiring.
This is tragic.
A world without Krusty.
What would that be like? - What's on TV? - Nutsy the Clown.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive.
Maggie shot Mr.
Burns again! [Cricket Chirping] [Coughs] Krusty the Clown's retirement has provoked an outpouring of anguish not seen since the small plane crash that killed the Banana Splits.
We now go live to Krustylu Studios.
[All Crying] [Kent Brockman] What's the mood there, Chief Clancy Wiggum? These kids are getting a little out of hand, Kent.
So we're gonna have to fire the time-out gas.
- [All Screaming] - Hey, Kent, are you guys still having that contest where we guess what city the weather girl's in? - [Chuckles] That was eight years ago.
- Is it Pittsburgh? I spoke to Krusty about his legacy of laughter.
Kent, the young people today, they think comedy is dirty words.
It's not.
It's words that sound dirty, like "mukluk.
" - [Both Laughing] - [Krusty] Mukluk.
You like that? No charge.
Mukluk.
[Laughs] Mukluk.
Oh, can it, you tiresome tot-sitter.
I was the risible one in our dyad.
Ever watch the old episodes? Oh, Kent, that's a sad story.
I taped over all my old episodes.
Oh, you know, I had a thing forJudgeJudy and blank tape was 3.
99.
- What would you do? - [Gasps] Those are my shows! Frankly, Kent, those episodes were no big loss.
The show didn't really get funny until we fired Sideshow Bob and hired whozits.
You've erased my past.
- Now I'll erase your future.
- [Bars Clanging] Hey, hey! Lights out! Oh, honestly.
At Chino they get to stay up till 9:00.
Now, Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino - and that's just not true.
- [Groans] Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment.
Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment.
First, my prison-issued shower sandals are grossly undersized.
Secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books.
These are from the new Tom Clancy.
Although it's less painful than reading him.
Am I right, folks? Motion granted.
Release the prisoner.
[Thunderclaps] Now don't try anything funny this time, Bob.
I'm gonna be on you like red beans on- Hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast.
Hey, no fair.
You got long legs.
I got these little bitty hooves.
[Panting] Bob! Okay, here's your storage locker.
Just the way you left it.
Thank you, Raphael.
Now this is a ticklish question, but- You want to live in the box? Cost you two bucks a day.
Oh, thank you, kind innkeeper.
- You gonna want a wake-up jab? - Please.
No problemo.
[Humming] - [Garage Door Opens] - [Man] Hiya, neighbor! Hey, what-what- what you writing there? If you must know, it's an exquisite scheme for revenge.
Revenge, huh? Half the guys in here are working on that.
- [Chuckles] - Well, mine's better.
Phase one begins in 10, nine, eight- Oh, I can't wait! Now, Bob, your graduate degrees more than qualify you to be assistant janitor.
My blushes.
But I am a bit troubled by your constant attempts to murder people.
To be fair, most of those people were Bart Simpson.
[Chuckles] Good luck.
That kid's like the Road Runner.
He won't go down.
- Tell me about it.
- [Both Laugh] Hey.
You know, Bob your voice would be perfect for the school's morning announcements.
Attention.
The French Club picnic has been canceled.
- Quel dommage.
- You're hired! It begins.
[Sinister Laughter] I mean, my announcing career.
That's what's beginning.
[Sideshow Bob] Good morning, Springfield Elementary.
- In the Lost and Found today, we have one plaid kilt.
- [Gasps] - I believe the clan is Graham-Monroe.
- Oh.
This new morning announcer sounds awfully familiar.
And finally, Bart Simpson should immediately proceed unescorted to the old sports equipment shed behind the school.
[Sinister Laughter] So long, suckers! ## [Humming] [Bird Screeches] [Children's Voices] Ring around the rosie.
- [Bats Screeching] - [Screams] - Hello, Bart.
- [Gasps] Oh, it's you, Bob.
How you doing? No screams? Not even an "eep"? Hey, I'm not afraid of you.
Every time we tangle, you wind up in jail.
I'm 6 and 0.
I'll admit that the record is a little one-sided.
But this time, I cannot fail.
[Grumbling] Rakes.
My old archenemy.
- I thought I was your archenemy.
- I have a life outside of you, Bart.
[Thunderclap] - What are you gonna do to me? - Oh, believe me, I have a plan.
Let's see.
" Get job as school announcer.
Lure Bart to shed.
Secure same to chair with rope.
" Ah, here we are.
"Have Bart kill Krusty.
" Krusty? That's the one man I would never kill! Oh, you will kill Krusty during his final show.
And you won't even know you're doing it.
Watch the shiny quarter, Bart.
That's it.
Oh, damn it! Where'd it go? - I needed that for laundry! - Hey, stupid.
You looked.
[Grumbling] Yes.
That will do.
Watch the spiral, Bart.
Let it entrance you with its twirliness.
Twirliness.
You are in my power.
I am at your command.
I didn't say anything about command.
You're in my power.
Say so.
I am in your power.
Excellent.
Actually, go back to command.
No, power.
Power.
Look.
Krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode.
Hello, family.
Where have you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime.
I was- I was- If anyone asks, you were at the flower shop.
I was at the flower shop.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I was at the flower shop too.
- Yep, getting drunk at the old flower shop.
- [Groans] Now to see if you will really attack your hero.
[Shouting] Yes! Yes! Work the groin! - Excuse me.
Could you take our picture? - Aye-uh.
It should focus automatically.
- It do.
- [Shutter Snaps] - Chief, you might want to take a look outside.
- That's it! Kill Krusty! Just like you'll kill him tomorrow night! Oh, it's so great to see a kid using a wooden bat.
These days, it's all aluminum this and George W.
That.
Hey, Chief, look what I got in my Laffy Meal.
- Aw, mini-pinball! - Hey, give that back.
- Give what back, Lou? - [Pinball Game Ringing] Oh, yeah! [Sinister Laughter] ## [Ragtime] Good evening, folks.
And welcome to my final clown-cast.
The word "legend" has many definitions.
This is for Sideshow Bob.
[Screaming] [Moaning] Marvelous, marvelous.
Funny till the end.
Moment of silence.
Well, it's my show now.
[Cheering] Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hmm? Oh.
Just a dream.
But tonight I will taste the sweet nectar of vengeance! - [Banging] - [Man] Bug spray.
[Groans] [Shouts, Grunting] Kent Brockman here at Krusty the Clown's final show.
And here comes out-of-work actor Ranier Wolfcastle.
Someone please give me a job.
I've lowered my quote to eight million.
[Chuckles] Hear that, Hollywood? The boy wants to work.
I do nude scene, I play nerd.
Don't make me punch your throat! [Chuckles] Always a delight.
## [Drumroll] [Announcer] And now, retiring for the fifth and final time - Krusty the Clown! - [Applause] Thank you, folks.
Now fasten your funny belts as our own Chimpendale's dancer - gives you the full monkey! - [Applause] - ## [Disco] - [Man] # I believe in miracles # [Homer] Take it off! # Where you from, you sexy thing Sexy thing, you # [Sideshow Bob] Bart.
Bart.
It's time, Bart.
Time to blow up the clown.
Time to blow up the clown.
Go.
Blow.
And now a special treat.
My TV debut on " The Milk of Magnesia's Summer Cavalcade.
" Let's watch.
Look at me.
I'm Kaputnik, the Russian satellite.
[Gasps] Oh, the Bolshoi's doing the Nutcracker in my pants! - [All Gasp] - Back then you couldn't say "pants" on TV.
I was banned for 10 years.
Finally I got a second chance on Laugh-In.
- ## [Theme] - Hey, Krusty.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bagel? - [Banging] - [Krusty] The ferkachted doors are stuck! Don'tjust stare, Arte.
Help me! Those lousy shutters set me back another 22 years.
[Applause] [Humming] Mmm! That's good plastic explosive.
[Chuckles] Now, my little hypno-assassin your cue to attack will be when Krusty says "I've never had such a great audience.
" You will run up and hug him, blowing each of you to smithereens.
Whatever.
Now we're gonna show you some clips from- [Laughs] Oh, no.
I wanted to keep this quiet.
[Laughs] Can I embarrass this guy for a moment? Three years ago, Krusty pledged over a million dollars to start Krusty's Care Centers.
- Please, stop already.
- [Applause] To this day, Krusty has not given us a dime.
- Has he, Frances? - [Groans] I'm cold all the time.
Oh, look.
It was all a bookkeeping snafu.
- Can I have the check now? - Now? Eh- - Uh, sure.
- God bless you, Krusty.
- [All Sigh] - And if my banker's watching let nothing stop you from payment of this check.
Ah, the catwalk.
A perfect vantage point for revenge.
[Sinister Chuckle] Ah, kettle chips.
The perfect side dish for revenge.
What a special night.
And you know something? I've never had such a great audience.
Hmm? - We've had a lot of laughs- - Well, Krusty this is your Waterloo.
Soon you'll be NapolÃ©on Blownapart.
- Ew.
Terrible.
- Oh, hush up, Leo! You know, I'd like to thank God for all my success even though I never worshipped or believed in him in any way.
But before I sweep up my last spotlight there's one thing I've gotta say.
Over the years, I've- [Inhales] A lot of-whoa- And I've- [Grunts] My share of- aooga! But there's only one thing I'm ashamed of.
Ashamed? There was a man who used to work for me.
A man of grace and humor.
But I mistreated him and drove him to a life of crime.
So wherever you are, I just want to say Sideshow Bob, I'm sorry.
Oh, Bob, you repaid my abuse with raw hatred But I need you today Oh, Bob Well, you went to Apu's and you framed me So they locked me away Oh, that sweet, funny man.
Oh, no! My boy bomb! Well, good night and- Ah, look.
It's a towheaded little fan.
What do you say, folks? Should I hug him? [All Cheering] No! Hmm? [Gasps] [Screeching] - Oh, God! A bomb! - I was just thinking that.
Hmm.
[Grunts] What happened? Was anyone hurt? Just some network executives.
[Deep Voices] We have notes.
Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy! Okay, everybody.
Say "funny.
" Funny! Perfect.
Krusty, I'm so sorry about the attempted murder.
Will ya stop with the "sorry"? Every time you try to kill me my ratings go through the roof, you nut! We are good together, Krusty.
It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty.
- Oh! Don't remind me.
- [Squeaking] Okay, where do you wanna do this thing? - Isn't it customary to have a trial? - Oh, a wise guy, huh? Shh! [Krusty] Mukluk.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  New Kids on the Blecch
The Simpsons s12e14 Episode Script
New Kids on the Blecch
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Alarm Wailing] ## [Fanfare] [Announcer] Welcome back to Great Moments in Olympic History.
At the 1936 Berlin Games, Jesse Owens humiliates Adolph Hitler by outracing his zeppelin.
[Shouts In German] [Announcer] 1968, Mexico City.
Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record.
[Screaming] - [Vehicles Crashing] - Ow! [Shouts In German] And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever - at age 38.
- [Groans] [Gasps] Thirty-eight! That's roughly my age.
Marge, after a lot of thought I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon.
Oh, please.
You get exhausted watching The Twilight Zone marathon.
[Laughs] I'm a regular Billy Crystal.
- You got that right.
- Well, Dad, I think running's good exercise.
- It adds years to your life.
- Stay out of this, Lisa.
Marge, I've made up my mind.
I'll do your job for a day, and you do mine.
Then we'll see who has it tougher.
[Smug Laughter] [Door Closes] Good afternoon.
And welcome to the 97th Springfield Marathon commemorating the time Jebediah Springfield ran across six states to avoid his creditors.
You got all your equipment, Dad? Let's see.
Sweatbands, check.
- Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check.
- [Squishing Sound] Attention, runners.
On your mark, get set now get outta here before I change my mind.
[Crowd Cheering] [Pants] I can't believe it.
I'm actually running a marathon! [Gasps] I hit the wall! This is so painful.
Hey, I got my second wind! [Gasps] Another wall! I just- Whoo-hoo! Third wind.
- Faster, rickshaw driver! Faster! - Ow! - Sir, the whip isn't helping.
- Silence! - You call yourself Chinese? - [Grunts] No one can outrun The Flash! [Gasps] Curses! One of my super foes has set a trap for me.
- [Panting, Moaning] - Hey, Grampa's running! That's not Grampa.
Dad's just dehydrated.
[Panting, Moaning Continue] [Kent Brockman] And with 500 yards to go the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck.
Two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion.
But only one will win the grand prize: A walking tour of Springfield.
[Both Panting] [Sinister Chuckle] That tour is mine.
Well, hold the phone, Dora.
A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere.
He's running on sheer pluck, moxie and grit.
All of which he'll be tested for after the race.
- [Crowd Cheering] - Hey, I "winna" the race! Viva Italia! Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy.
I love-a you all.
I use up all of my English.
## [Fanfare] Grazie, Springfield! - [Crow Caws] - [Gasps] - He's a phony! - Lousy cheater! - I demand a re-race! - [Runners Groaning] I got a better idea.
Let's have a fun run on his trachea.
- Yeah! - Kill him! - Make him pay! - [Runners Shouting] [Bart Shuddering] - Get in.
Hurry! - [Bart] Mob, stranger.
Mob, stranger.
Stranger! - Who are you? - Oh, you'll find out in due time.
Well, it says here your name is L.
T.
Smash.
The time has come.
I'm L.
T.
Smash.
Thank you so much for saving our son from that murderous mob.
Well, thank you for letting me chill in your crib.
And thank you for assuming we're hip.
All right, now here's the 411.
I'm a record producer, see? I'm starting a new boy band.
And there's a place in it for Bart.
- My Bart? - Oh, yeah.
That stunt he pulled at the race shows me he's the bad boy I'm looking for.
- [Chuckles] - Now listen to me, Smash.
We're not signing anything unless it's a contract.
Why do you want Bart? He's not much of a singer.
Marge, it's not the singing that brings in the Sacagaweas.
Bart's a rebel.
And that's what I need for my new band, the Party Posse.
Now hold on.
I have some concerns.
Please, Mom.
My dream is to be a rock star! - And my dream is to get rid of Bart.
- But- - How many lives must you ruin? - Oh, okay.
Bart, I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse.
He's smart, he's soulful - he's Milhouse.
- What up, "G" Money? Next, he'll break your nose, your glasses and your heart.
- Nelson.
- Wait.
These are just guys from school.
Who's next? Ralph Wiggum? Whee! I'm a pop sensation.
And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as New Kids in the Ditch and Boy-nudo.
I'm gonna make you stars.
- ## [Pop Rock] - Sneer, sneer.
Two, three, four, and thrust.
And grab yourself right there.
Now let's go and flirt.
- You call that a flirt? I'm not melting! - ## [Stops] Okay.
'Tudes are fly and your threads are dope.
All that's left is the singing.
"Party Posse, we rule the earth.
The greatest band since music's birth"? Isn't this song a little boastful? No one told me there was gonna be boasting.
- Just take it from the top.
- [Off-key] # Party Posse # We rule the earth The greatest band since music's birth Ew! - Thank you, NASA.
- ## [Pop Rock] [In Harmony, Deeper Voice] #We love to sweat and we love to sing # We're real funky but not threatening We're the best band in the world But we'd give it all up for that special girl You're my special girl Special girl - [Panting] - # You're my special girl # # Only you ## So from now on, anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse and not me.
And now, are you adequately prepared to rock? [All Cheering] - Silence! - [Cheering Stops] Here they are, the Party Posse! [Cheering] Hello, Springfield! Now here's a song that your Principal Skinner doesn't want us to play.
[All] Boo! That's not true.
This assembly was my idea.
I like your brand of inoffensive pop rock.
Screw you, man! We're gonna play it anyway.
- [Cheering] - Hmph! ## [Ballad] [In Harmony] # I saw you last night # At the spelling bee I knew right then That it was L-U-V I gotta spell out What you mean to me [Deep Voice] # 'Cause I can no longer be # A silent "G" - # I've gotta spell out # - [Deep Voice] # I've gotta spell out # I've gotta spell out what you mean to me Man, they're gonna be big.
And you stood in their way.
No, I didn't.
I even came in early and made orange drink.
Orange drink? What? Do you live with your mama? She lives with me.
A silent G I can't believe it.
They loved us! I'm wearing a bathrobe and I'm not even sick.
[Boy] Yo, dudes, awesome show! [Gasps] It's N'Sync! ## [Pop Rock] - Word! - What brings you to Springfield? We saw your band formation notice in the paper.
Really? You saw our B.
F.
N? I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse.
Word! - [Milhouse Grunts] - So anyway, we brought you this wicked gift basket.
- Stubble glitter, a crowd Taser.
- Crowd Taser? Yeah.
It's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine.
- Ow! Yo! - [Watch Beeping] Dudes, we gotta go.
Our clothes are getting a little out-of-date.
- To the Bandana Republic! - Word! ## [Pop Rock] Now we gotta send them a basket.
[Bart] Oh, yeah.
That's the spot.
[Grunts, Sighs] That is perfect.
Mom, can't Bart get his massage somewhere else? Don't be selfish, Lisa.
Will you two shut up? I'm missing precious V.
J.
Prattle! - [Groans] - Whoo! That was the latest ad for Stridex Pads, medicated.
Okay, coming at ya, a world premiere video from "P" Squared.
That's the Party Posse! Whoo! Yeah! All right! Rock! Whoo! [Party Posse] #Oh, say can you rock # There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in love formation Your love's more deadly than Saddam And that's why I gotta drop da bomb - Party Posse! - [Chattering] [Shouting] [Singing] Yvan eht nioj Eht nioj Yvan eht nioj You gotta love that crazy chorus.
- What does it mean? - It doesn't mean anything.
It's like "rama lama ding dong" or "give peace a chance.
" This party's happenin' It's no mirage So sing it again Yvan eht nioj [Women] #Yvan eht nioj # [Laughing] [Lisa] There's something weird about this video.
None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that.
No.
Something else.
[Pop Rock] [Lisa] "Yvan eht nioj.
'" They keep saying that.
Wait.
What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards.
Join the navy - Join the navy.
- [Gasps] They're recruiting people with subliminal messages.
[Horn Honks] Otto, what are you doing? I don't know.
I just got an urge to join the navy.
You're being brainwashed! Yeah, probably.
"Yvan eht nioj.
" L.
T.
, thank God you're here! The government's putting subliminal messages in your videos! Subliminal messages? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds? - Is that a navy tattoo? - A navy tattoo? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds? [Gasps] Lieutenant Smash! Yeah, that's right.
Lieutenant L.
T.
Smash.
A wig! But- But your pant legs.
[Moans] How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions? Oh, come on, Lisa.
We've always used pop stars to recruit people.
Going back to Elvis.
Then there was Sgt.
Pepper's the Captain & Tennille, and the Kiss army.
But you have recruiting ads on TV.
Why do you need subliminal messages? It's a three-pronged attack.
Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.
- Super liminal? - I'll show you.
Hey, you! Join the navy! - Uh, yeah, all right.
- I'm in.
Well, now that you know, Lisa I'm afraid I can't let you leave.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
Bart's band is brainwashing kids with subliminal messages? That's pretty far-fetched, Lisa.
Are you sure someone hasn't been bitten by the jealousy bug? [Chuckles] Here comes the jealousy bug! - Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya! - Hey! Stop! Cut it out.
You're a grown man.
[Gasps] I want to go home now.
Nobody's going home! We're going to see Bart's concert.
An aircraft carrier? Oh, that's subtle.
Good afternoon, and welcome to the U.
S.
S.
Sea Spanker! - Are you ready to tear it up? - [All Cheering] - I can't hear you.
- [Loud Cheering] Do you maggots want to see a show or not? - [Cheering Stops] - I mean, uh- Here they are! The Party Posse! [Cheering] ## [Pop Rock] Had a girl in every port From here to Barcelona But now I'm back in Springfield And, girl I'm gonna phone ya I stormed a lot of beaches But you're the one that I miss Let's get back together, girl Let's reenlist [Normal Voice] Ow! Hot, hot, hot! So sign me up for a hitch of love Recruit my heart Four sweet years of love - Everybody ball walk! - [Cheering] Oh, yeah! Looking good, guys.
And double time! That's it.
Protect the country.
[Screeching] - Groovy, dude.
- Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! - [Eyeball Squishes] - [Screaming] [Man] Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral.
Hup! - The hippie fantasy again? - They're getting less frequent, sir.
Excellent.
Well, there's no easy way to say this.
The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band.
Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine.
Oh, dear God.
When this satirical bombshell hits the stands tomorrow your band will have as much recruiting power as a wax apple.
- I don't follow, sir.
- It's over, L.
T.
[Gasps] Let's march all day and clean latrines all night - [Powering Down] - [Normal Voices, Off-key] # Don't bust me down # Let's re-up tonight [All Gasp] Let's re-up tonight [AllJeering] I'm outta here.
You fool! Look what you've done! Well, now it's my turn.
- Don't do it, L.
T! - You leave me no choice! No! [Gasping] No! - [Water Splashing] - [All Shouting] - [Toilet Flushing] - So, what songs did I miss? - Dad, L.
T.
's gone crazy! - [Sinister Laughter] Yeah.
That's the look.
[Chuckles] - [Horn Sounding] - [Sinister Chuckle] Think he's gonna do something dangerous? How should I know? Just keep loading missiles.
Pop music's hard work.
The Statue of Liberty? Where are we? [Horn Tooting] All right, Posse, that's our target.
[All Gasp] [Gasps] Not Mad! That's our nation's largest mental illness-themed humor magazine! - Why don't we call it "Everybody Hates Raymond?" - [All Laughing] Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it.
We can't let L.
T.
Blow up Mad! Tina Brown was just starting to turn it around.
- We gotta mellow him out! - But how? We would need the ultimate chill-out song.
- And fast! - [Motor Humming] ## [Pop Rock] - We heard what you said.
- Yeah! Heard it old school.
[Gasps] It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse.
We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.
- Defuse it old school.
- 'Bout time.
- Radical! - Awesome! - I can't read.
- I can't sing without dancing.
Fine! Thrust, spin, turn.
Pivot, pout, jiggy.
Jiggy, robot, do-si-do.
And close with a Matrix.
[Groans] Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
- Yeah.
That's stupid.
- I want to twirl! Aw, come on, guys.
We've only got a few minutes.
Uh-oh.
- Everybody okay? - Uh, yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm fine.
Thanks.
- I actually feel better.
[Sinister Laughter] Well, boys, the Party Posse is over.
But at least I saved you from a public spoofing.
Aw, man.
We could've been on the cover of Mad.
They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha! Smelson.
It's funny 'cause you smell.
Smelson.
I could've thought of that.
[Irish Accent] Sure ya could've.
Off ya go now.
You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.
S.
Navy.
But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.
- And don't forget pirates.
- And jellyfish.
Those whack invertebrates will sting you, old school! So check out the navy for a two- or a four-year hitch.
- We signed J.
C.
Up yesterday.
- What? No-o-o! ## [Pop Rock] [Woman] #Join the navy # # Join the navy # # Join the navy ## It's N'Sync! ## [Whistle] [All Laughing] D'oh! I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse.
Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! - Bart was so cool.
- [All Laughing] - Little short.
He's about this tall.
- Don't print that.
[Whistle] - [All Cheering] - Word.
- Itjust sounds like something I would say.
- Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Hungry Hungry Homer
The Simpsons s12e15 Episode Script
Hungry Hungry Homer
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [All Grunting, Shouting] Whoo-ohh! ## [Band: Upbeat] [Announcer] Are you sick of ordinary-shaped amusement parks? - Am I ever! - Then be the first family on your block to visit Blockoland the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks.
[Announcer] So, how much did you love Blockoland? It was all right, I guess.
Kids, how would you like to go to Blockoland? - [Both] Meh.
- But the TV gave me the impression that- - We said, "Meh.
" - M-E-H.
"Meh.
" [Slurping] Well, I'd like to go.
How about you, Maggie? [Squeals] [Grunting] Aww! - [Car Starting] - Huh? - [Barking] - Maggie, no! - [Loud Clunking] - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here.
Howdy, partner.
[Chuckles] Four score and seven blocks ago, my- Aah! Aah! [Sighs] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay.
We have our choice of Rectangle Land Cube Country or Squaresville.
Squaresville sounds pretty cool.
[Laughs] [Monotone Voice] I am a robot.
Do what I say.
[Chuckles] I am a washing machine.
Do what I say.
[Both Grunting] Take that! In the face! [Grunting] You knocked his block off! - Come with me.
- [Beeping] Check it out.
I built myself a healthy apple.
But you made it out of ham cubes.
Yup.
A shiny new apple.
[Squeaking] I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! [Grunting] - Uh, hey! Ow! Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing.
What are you gonna do about it? Uh-oh.
Aah! [Gasps, Coughing] [Screams] Leeches! Ow! Why did I get this LEGO shirt? Don't you mean "Blocko" shirt? Right, right.
"Blocko" shirt.
Lisa, how's your Eiffel Tower kit? It's okay, but it's missing a piece.
Welcome to real life, Lisa.
You can't fight city hall, a.
k.
a.
Blockoland.
So don't even try! What kind of a thing is that to tell your children? It's what I always tell them.
I told them that twice yesterday, and then again as they were going to sleep.
[Scoffs] I'm sure the gift shop will replace the missing piece.
You're right, honey.
Hear that, kids? The Simpsons are going to Blockoland! [All] Yea! - [Horns Honking] - [Homer] Excuse me.
You sold my little girl a shoddy Eiffel Tower.
Hey, tough luck, pal.
You can't fight the souvenir industry.
- We're too powerful.
- Yeah, you're right.
But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own! - [Grunts] - ## [Music Box] Oh, what the hey.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, Dad.
Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.
- So, how's that new block I got ya? - Great! [Sighs] You know, standing up for the little guy felt good.
I'm gonna do it more often.
- [Marge, Homer Gasping] - [Groaning] - Mmm.
Hmm! [Growls] - [Marge Groans] - Scram! - Those bullies are gone now.
You idiot! They were beating out my shirt fire.
My heart was in the right place, jerk! There.
Thanks again, Dad.
Well, you're welcome, honey.
Now I'm gonna spend the whole day helping schmoes with their problems.
- Got a problem, Bart? - The girl at school won't go to the dance with me.
[Singsongy] Bart's got a girlfriend.
No, I don't.
That's the problem.
[Giggles] Bart's got a problem.
Don't worry, Son.
I'll handle this.
Come on.
Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word.
- Who would you rather go out with? - Tommy.
Well, duh.
He's breathtaking.
But Bart has inner beauty, like you'd find in a rodent.
[Sniffing] And face it, you're no prize either.
You wear braces, you dress like a kid and you're not getting any younger.
- Take what you can get.
- He's right.
Grab something and don't let go.
Well, Bart's not so bad.
[Groans] They wouldn't honor my coupon for two free streaks.
They wouldn't? Well, I'll go to bat for you, honey.
- Hmm! - Yes.
May I help you? Nice place you got here.
Oh, look.
A hairnet.
Be a shame if it was hurled to the ground.
[Grunts] Ooh! How clumsy of me.
And- - Whoops! - Why are you doing these things? Either you honor my wife's coupon, or a lot more lids will be unscrewed! But I cannot streak that much hair.
- Think of the cost.
I'd be ruined! - Oh, really? Boy, you weren't kidding.
Your profit margins are razor thin! - You see? This is what I'm- - Wait a minute.
But we must have it.
It is the lifeblood of the industry.
You get the same results with a mincing gel.
But of course! I will save thousands! Thank you! Oh, Homie, I love them.
I can't thank you enough.
The satisfaction of helping another human being is all the thanks l- et cetera.
And I gave that man directions even though I didn't know the way 'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.
Ah! Lousy Isotopes.
They're a disgrace to baseball.
- They lost again? - Mm-hmm.
The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation.
Hey, Moe.
Give me a Duff.
[Gulps] Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Sweet Duff.
Wait a minute.
Duff owns the Springfield Isotopes? Since when? They bought 'em a year ago from the Mafia.
It was the last of the family-owned teams.
I tried to return my season ticket, but they wouldn't give me my money back.
They said they wanted it.
Say no more.
I'll help you, Lenny.
- You want to help me? - Well, haven't you heard? He's the new Homer.
He's wonderful.
[Electricity Buzzing] I'm trying to get a refund for this ticket.
Is this the executive office of the ball club? - No.
This is the equipment shed.
- Oh.
Well, is that it? - That's where we keep the water heater.
- Is- - That's a tractor.
- I see.
Sir, we can't give your friend a refund just because the team is losing.
I'm sorry to hear that! - Spin that back the way it was.
- Yes, sir.
- This meeting is over.
- Okay.
So, uh, you want to go get something to eat? No, I don't.
Get outta here.
No, no! Not that door! [Gasps] "Albuquerque Isotopes"? - What is all this stuff? - It's not anything.
- Huh? - It has no purpose.
What a crazy room.
There's no Albuquerque Isotopes.
It's the Springfield- - Oh.
- No, no.
There's no "Oh.
" You're moving the team to Albuquerque, aren't you? No.
No.
We would never abandon our loyal Springfield fans.
By the way, all this barging into rooms marked "private" must have made you thirsty.
- Would you like a beer? - Well, okay.
But you can't silence Homer Simpson! I'm the friend of the downtrodden and I'm not gonna forget what I saw here today.
- Of course not.
- [Buzzing] Duffman, could you bring in two bottles of smooth, untainted Duff? Oh, yeah! [Male Vocalist] #Oh, yeah # Now, Homer, we've developed this additive that makes beer super, super malty.
- Care to try it? - Wait a minute.
- Will this erase my memory? - No.
Not at all.
Ma- [Yelps, Groans] Man, that is malty.
But he'll never know! [Sinister Laughing] - Good grief.
- Oh! My head! How long have I been out here? - All night.
You were yelling at the swing.
- I was? But I love the swing.
- Dad, you were nuts.
- You know me.
Occasionally, I'll be quirky.
"I'll be quirky"? Albuquerque! I'll be right back! Members of the media, thank you for coming.
The proof that the Isotopes are moving to Albuquerque is right behind this door.
Excuse me.
Joel Duffman, The Newsly Times.
What's with the smear campaign against this beloved brewer? And weren't you once in a loony bin? Oh, yeah! He's right, folks.
The only story here is the rich, smooth taste of Duff.
Yes, that is an important story, but so is this! It- Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline: "Local Man is Liar.
" That is a good headline! So let me get this straight, Mr.
Duff.
The Isotopes are not moving to Albuquerque? - Absolutely not.
- So are you calling Homer Simpson a liar? Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire.
[Screaming] Well, Homie, I believe you're telling the truth about the Isotopes.
I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying or about to lie, or just finished lying.
But not when I'm telling the truth! - Yeah.
But what can you do? - There's all kinds of ways to get the public on your side.
Bob Dylan wrote songs.
Cesar Chavez staged hunger strikes.
That's it! I'll go on a hunger strike! [Chuckling] Homie, you couldn't keep up a hunger strike.
You eat while you brush your teeth.
You're eating a huge sausage right now.
So? I can stop.
And I will stop.
I'm on a hunger strike starting right now! [Grunts] [Whimpers, Groaning] [Crying] [Gasping] Mmm! Mmm.
[Smacking, Sucking] Let's see those double-A baseball honchos ignore this.
You're really not gonna eat anything? My hunger strike will not end until Duff admits they're moving the team! Bart, my chains.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
- Now it begins.
- Dad, I'm so proud of you.
If you need some inspiration, here's a book of Mike Farrell's core beliefs.
[Mumbling] Man, he really hates Wayne Rogers.
Mmm! Good-bye, Homie.
Here's Dr.
Hibbert's number if you feel weak.
Don't worry.
Duff s not gonna let me waste away to nothing.
Uh, Dad.
Oh! What a great ball game.
Thanks, Weekend Dad.
Stop calling me that.
Hey, kid and man.
Don't support a team run by liars.
- Liars? - They're secretly planning to move to Albuquerque.
That's crazy.
It would've been on a talk radio show like Sports Chat or Sportzilla and theJabberJocks! - Yeah! - Why, you little- [Shouts] Oh, so hungry.
Can't give up.
Must continue fighting evil corporation.
[Giggles] Oh, Seymour, you shouldn't have.
It's gonna go straight to my thighs.
Well, Edna, it just might have some company! Oh, Seymour! What? Nice try, God.
[Grunts] But Homer Simpson doesn't give into temptation that easily.
- Hey! - [Slurping] Stop that! [Chomping] Ahh! There's still more meat loaf.
Oh, that's impossible.
Come on.
Come on.
We all have to pitch in and eat your father's share.
Why don't you just cook less? I don't do things that way, Lisa.
Dancing away my hunger pangs Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda likeJesus But not in a sacrilegious way Geez.
Homer's losing it already.
Yeah, but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.
[Groaning] I'm so hungry! - [Gurgling] - His tummy sounds angry, Daddy.
Yeah.
That's his stomach eating itself.
- [People Cheering] - It's such a beautiful day.
Where are the crowds? Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem.
[Laughing, Chattering] Hmm.
People seem to be drawn to that kook.
Maybe we can exploit him.
No, it's too dangerous, sir.
He knows about Albuquerque.
Duffman is a cautious cat! No, listen.
Fans love wackos.
Remember that busty woman who ran out on the field and farted at the ballplayers? - Huh? - I think we've found our newest attraction.
Duffman has a bad feeling about this.
- Can it, Sid.
- [Whiny Voice] Why don't you can it, Howard? [Mumbling, Snoring] [Mumbling Continues] Huh? Wha-What's going on? - What am I doing here? - Order of Mr.
Duff, and word to the wise.
If someone hits a home run, the fireworks come out here and here.
- [Bat Hits Ball] - [Crowd Cheering] - Gotta go! - [Whines] ## [Organ: "Charge'"] [Male Announcer] Folks, it's time to meet a real super fan Hungry Hungry Homer! He's on a hunger strike till the 'Topes win the pennant! [Cheering] What? That's not why I'm here! [Faint] They're moving the team to Albuquerque! Hear that, folks? He said, "Go, 'Topes!" - ## ["Charge'"] - [Cheering] Oh! All this hunger for nothing! Get your hot dogs! Fat, juicy hot dogs! Pork chops and applesauce! Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! - Yeah, duckman! Over here! - [Sizzling] Mmm! Mmm! - [Whimpering] - [Loud Chomping] Do they have to chew so loud? Oh.
I'm wasting away.
[Gasps] I'm down to a "B" cup! It's been a whole week! Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball? - Death is a part of baseball.
- Oh, yeah.
The main part.
Guys! Uh, we won't let any harm come to your husband, Mrs.
Simpson.
He'll be fine.
- He's not moving.
- [Flies Buzzing] He's probably resting from all the moving he did before you got here.
He'll start moving in a second.
I'm sure of it.
- Turn on the sprinklers.
- [Groaning] - You see there? He's fine.
- Ooh, look at him go.
[Groans] [Cheering] Oh, I'm so hungry.
Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares.
Hmm? Hmm.
[Groans] Who are you? The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
- Why are you here? - To tell you not to give up.
Oh, but I wanna.
He's talking to himself, sir.
And his smell is distracting the center fielder.
Yeah.
This is getting sad.
Let's bring him in.
- [Snoring] - Okay, skinny.
On your feet.
What's happening? Did I crush your corporation? - No.
You're being replaced.
- [Groans] [Crowd Booing] And now, taking over for Hungry Hungry Homer let's welcome Paint-drinking Pete! - [Crowd Cheering] - [Gulping] [Loud Grunting] [Weak Groaning] Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.
Oh.
Me so "hungy.
" Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer.
So why not break your fast with our brand-new Isotope Dog Supreme? [Sniffing] Oh, oh! So hard to resist.
Mesquite-grilled onions jalapeÃ±o relish.
Wait a minute.
Those are southwestern ingredients! [Gasping, Muttering] Mango lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in - Albuquerque! - [All Gasping] - He's right! - Yeah! - And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! - Homer was right! They're planning to move the team! [Angry Shouting] Now, now, now, now, see here, people.
Let's not be too hasty.
Tell the truth! Come on, everybody! [Chanting] Tell the truth! Tell the truth! - Get him out of here! - Tell the truth! Tell the truth! Don't listen to him, Duffman.
For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.
New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do? Hey! Hey! Hey! Whoa, whoa! [Blubbering] - Whoa! - [Cheering] Oh, yeah! Yea! [Chanting] Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat, eat! - Eat, eat! - Ahh.
The truth never tasted so good! Way to go, slim! Damn! That town's got too much spirit.
Looks like we'll have to steal some other baseball team.
See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys.
Uh, that's a football team, sir.
They'll play what I tell 'em to play for I am the mayor of Albuquerque! - [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Bye Bye Nerdy
The Simpsons s12e16 Episode Script
Bye Bye Nerdy
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] - [Electricity Crackling] - [Homer Groaning] [Man Announcing] Hey, kids.
Look who's making breakfast.
- [Both Chuckle] - Itchy and Scratchy? That's right, kids! Never start the day on an empty stomach.
- It's delicious.
Want to try? - [Together] Yea! [Groaning] Ooh! So cold.
Wow! Pink daggers! - Green hatchets! - Yellow ice picks! And Stabby-Oh's are part of this nutritious breakfast.
- Hey.
If you guys made breakfast, where's Mom? - [Woman] Here I am.
But thanks to Stabby-Oh's, most of me is still in bed.
That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Ah, what can you do? Sex sells.
[Gasps] Homer, you're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
They said if I come in late again, I'm fired.
I can't take that chance.
- And, kids, you're gonna miss the school bus.
- [Horn Honks] [Gasps] It's only two blocks away! [Both Gasp] [Both Groaning] - But I gotta spit.
- You can spit on the bus.
[All Grunting] - Uh, Mom.
- Not now, Lisa.
[Groans] [Grunting] Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow! [Gagging] Mmm! - [Panting] - [Horn Honks] Aw, darn.
Looks like we'll have to stay home today.
Not on my watch! [Horn Honks] - Stop! Stop! - [Horn Honking] Oh, you want to drag? - [All] Yeah! - [Gasps, Groans] I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson.
No.
You eat my dust! Hoo-hoo! [Children Chattering] [Children Shouting] [All Squealing] Whoa! It's like Speed 2 only with a bus instead of a boat.
[Children Shouting] [Horn Honks] [Gasps] I did it! I caught the school bus! - Now hurry up and get on.
- But, Mom, the school's right here.
I won.
Don't take that away from me.
Okay.
Everybody off.
Oops.
Almost forgot.
- Picking up a new kid today.
- [All Groan] - [Chattering] - Wow.
A new kid.
I wonder what they're like.
[Sighs] - [Hissing] - [All Whimpering] - Help me! Help me! - [Sighs] - [Braying] - [Giggles] - [All Grumbling] - [Girl] Aw, man.
- Red hair? - What's she trying to pull? Those shoes look Canadian.
She'll never fit in.
Oh, it's tough being the new kid.
Someone should go talk to her.
Yeah.
Somebody should.
One Hour Dry Cleaner? Man, that's fast.
- Kids gone? - Yep.
It's great to have some time just to ourselves, huh? You read my mind.
So this coffee's good, huh? Yeah.
The, uh- The milk really takes the edge off.
You know, I think our marriage is- - [Doorbell Rings] - [Both] I got it! - No, I got it.
- No, I do.
Your baby is dead.
- [Both Gasp] - That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of death traps lurking in the average American home.
[Exhales] "Springfield Baby-Proofing"? You-You really scared us.
Sorry about that.
But the truth is your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! - [Both Gasp] - Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate.
Let's start in the kitchen.
Now, pretend I'm a baby.
[Cooing] Me like to explore.
That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Homer, don't be-Wow, that is huge.
[Chuckling] Ooh! Pretty colors.
Me want a drink.
[Grunting] Oh! [Grunting] [Grunting] [Gasps] She got it open.
You see how quickly your baby could have been drinking this "Similac Baby Formula"? No! [Grunting] [Pants] Oh.
This is such an eye-opener.
I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.
Okay.
With the window bars, toilet latches dingo alarm and grapefruit squirt shield, your total cost would be- - Wow! I'm rich! - Three dollars? - That doesn't seem so bad.
- That's the price of the clipboard.
- Here's your estimate.
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
[Screams] We don't need your high-price safety junk.
Thank you.
Look at the new kid hogging the teeter-totter.
It's like she owns the place.
Yeah! She thinks she's Babe: Pig in the City.
Give her a break.
Remember your first day at school? Not as long as I keep taking these.
Well, someone's gotta make her feel welcome.
Hi there.
My name's Lisa.
What's yours? [Groans] [Groaning] Now don't feel bad, honey.
Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself? Everybody was kung fu fighting [Plays Melody] - #Those cats were fast as lightning ## - [Groaning] - Good times.
- [Groans] Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? - See if you two have a common interest.
- Hmm.
Well, lots of people like jazz fusion.
[Jazz] Okay.
That's in the maybe file.
What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacy dolls? What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacy dolls? They're not dolls.
They're aspiration figures.
But it might work.
That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets.
But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
- She's not afraid of bunnies.
- She will be.
Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start.
So- Hey! You like Malibu Stacy too.
Oh, yeah.
[Gasps] And you like the same one I like with the grad student glamour pack just like the one in my Iocker.
That's mine, isn't it? [Groans, Gasps] - Tastes like yours.
- [Gasps, Whimpers] How aboutjazz? Do you likejazz? [Milhouse] I like jazz.
Milhouse? She got you too? Yeah, but it's not so bad.
I'm standing on Ralph.
[Ralph] We're a totem pole.
[Chanting] [Whistling] There and there.
See, honey? Daddy's protecting you from all the sharp, scary things.
Here.
Hold this a sec.
- [Nail Gun Fires] - Ow! - Oh, my- - [Giggling] Ow! Okay, Maggie.
Put it down.
Ow! Okay now.
Put- [Gasps] it- [Gasps] down.
[Gasps] Oh! [Chuckles] Okay.
That's quite enough.
It's not funny anymore.
D'oh! D'oh! [Grumbles] [Gasps] No, no, no! Oh, Homie.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ow.
Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every three minutes.
I'm the one who told you that.
Yeah, but this is me talking.
Look.
I already encased the telephone in concrete.
How are you supposed to dial? Reach into these holes.
I use a carrot.
Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous? - Baby could order poison.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
[Beeping] [Man] Poison Delivery Service.
A gift basket of poisons is on its way.
Oh, I'm a horrible mother.
Of course you are.
Marge, I finally discovered the reason God made me- to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures.
And I've got to share that gift with the world.
- Ow! - [Gasps] - Get her out of here.
- [Groans] [Shouts] Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself? Your very question is faulty.
You're faulty! - [Laughing] - Knock, knock.
What do you want? Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work? Oh, this is so funny.
We were just talking about moving into protection.
We're offering a recess and lunch package that's very affordable.
Well, I'm gonna need full coverage.
My bully is highly aggressive.
- Check out these Indian burns.
- Good technique.
- Check it out.
- Ho-ho! Triple twist! Nice work! - You sure this was done by hand? - Yeah.
She's a real purist.
- [Gasps] - "She"? Sorry.
We don't do girls.
- They bite and kick and scratch.
- And sometimes we fall in love.
- [All Sigh] - Wow.
There's so much I don't understand about bullying.
Yeah.
There's a lot of history there.
Did you know it predates agriculture? - Mm-mmm.
- Let's walk.
- Finish the job.
- [Grunts] I just don't understand Francine's motivation.
[Both Groan] [Humming] Why does she only go after the smart ones? That's like asking the square root of a million.
No one will ever know.
Someone will.
I'm gonna crack the bully code.
Oh, de, doo, doo Saving those babies And the soft spots on their head Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Problem: A pointy deity.
And I've got the perfect solution.
## [Humming] - Hmm? - Oh, thank you.
No more Shiva-related pokings.
Yeah.
And, you know, down the line - you might want to switch to a nice, round Buddha.
- [Both Gasp] - But we are Hindu.
- So am I, but I don't get all huffy about it.
# Just had a whim to go take a swim # # Out on a limb Just haul off andjump right in # # Slow down Buckle up # # Take the time, rehearse # # Always safety first ## - [Children Laughing] - [Bubble Wrap Popping] Ach.
'Tis a mighty puddle of puke.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right, lad.
It reminds me why I got into this business.
Willie, I need to see the school security tapes.
Security tapes? There's no security tapes.
- It's hard to miss the cameras.
- [Beeping] Aye.
Willie's a stinkin' liar.
Why does the school need to watch us all the time? - School? - Oh, here's the tape I need.
Oh, my God.
That roll of towels is nearing the end! Ach! It's on double red stripe! [Gasps] How did she know I was there? Hey.
That time she looked right at me and didn't touch me.
Hmm.
[Gasps] Of course.
The nose clip.
Hey, Willie.
I think I'm onto something.
Check this out.
Not talking, eh, Willie? Just listen then.
I think I figured out what sets off that big ape Francine.
Willie? Willie? Whoa! - [Punches Landing] - [Lisa Groaning] - [Thuds] - Aha! [All Panting] Come on, people! Move it! I want to see some sweat.
I am not mastering another stair until you explain the purpose of this monstrous experiment.
I believe the key to bully/nerd antagonism lies in your drippings.
- Then I shall drip like a pot roast.
- Excellent.
Now don't mind the squeegee.
- [Squeaking] - [Whimpers] - [Loud Scraping] - Ah.
Oh, the scraping seems wrong but it feels so right.
And so, as, uh, heavyweight champion recognized by nine of the 14 sanctioning bodies I sincerely urge you all to stay in school.
- Uh, thank you.
- [Cheering] Thank you, Drederick Tatum.
That was truly a K.
O.
"Knockout Oration.
" [Chuckles] - Need a ride home? - You really don't want that.
Trust me.
Mr.
Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag? No.
Not at all.
Swab away.
Whoa, whoa.
Nobody mentioned a beaker.
Please? It's for science.
Oh, for science.
In that case, proceed.
- Lisa, this is outrageous.
Explain yourself.
- Shh! It's working.
Look.
[Whimpers] - Nelson, what are you doing? - I don't know.
I can't help myself.
[Grunts] - Hey.
Cut it out.
I insist that you desist.
- [Grunting] Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Yes! - [Sobs] - Please don't hurt me.
- You leave me little recourse.
[Man Announcing] And now the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak.
[Applause] - Men.
- [All] Boo! Canceled.
The safe baby craze.
It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent.
That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe he's made infant-related businesses cry- all the way away from the bank.
- How are your baby crutch sales? - Uh, terrible, Kent.
And cartoon character Band-Aids, forget about it.
- [Cooing] - Look at this baby.
Not a scratch on him.
And I got boat payments.
The dream is over.
Shut her down, boys.
[Whistle Blows] Dear God.
What have I done? Babies of Springfield, we need your help.
Please, skin your knees.
Put dice up your nose.
Let cats sleep on your face! The problem: Constant flying saucer attacks.
[Whistling] The solution- And thus the Earth is saved.
- Hurrah.
- [Man] That's a winner, Steve.
That's quite an act to follow, Lisa.
I know.
And the crowd is so distinguished.
The inventor of the walkie-talkie is out there.
- Where? - Third row, near the aisle.
[Gasps] Ooh.
You're right.
And that's not his wife.
- [Crowd Murmuring] - Scientists.
Scientists, please.
Looking for some order.
Some order, please with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying of attention.
- Pi is exactly three! - [All Gasp] Very sorry that it had to come to that, but now that I have your attention we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson.
- Let's bring her out and pay attention.
- [Applause] - She's just a little girl.
- In the larval stage.
- Silly.
Let's not listen.
[Clears Throat] My study is entitled " Airborne Pheromones and Aggression in Bullies.
" - [All] Bullies? - I'm afraid.
For as long as there have been smart people there have been bullies to prey on them.
From Galileo to Sir Isaac Newton and even in the animal kingdom.
But why do the brawny prey on the brainy? - Is it jealousy? - [All] Yes.
Yes.
No.
The reason is chemical.
- [All Disagreeing] - Not possible.
- That's impossible.
Chemicals are our friend.
- [Man] She's a witch.
Please, Dr.
Koop.
Let me demonstrate.
[Grumbles] This is my test subject, Francine.
[Growling, Snarls] - [All Gasp] - I'd like to thank her parents for helping with the caging.
Let me out of here! I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork and four-eyes.
I call it "Poindextrose.
" Whoo-hoo! Simpsons rule! Sorry.
[Sniffing] You're dead, nerd! The bully has caught my scent, and she's at maximum rage.
- Professor Frink.
- [Francine Grunting] - Very well, Lisa.
I'll just finagle this- glayvin.
- [Crowd Murmuring] Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole! [Roars] - Huh? - My God, she stopped in her tracks.
The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent.
- Silly.
- Let's not listen.
Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing.
- [All Gasp] - So that's where that went.
The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless.
[Cheering] Congratulations, Lisa.
You are truly the standout of this year's Big Science Thing.
A gift certificate from JCPenney? Yes.
You'll love their slacks.
[Chuckles] Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.
So all her bullying was just to get some attention.
No, Dad.
Didn't you listen to anything I said? Just to get some attention.
Lisa, help! [Francine Muttering, Grunting] - Yes! Yes! I'm gonna- - [Gasps] - The repellent's all gone.
- Don't worry.
She'll punch herself out.
Suck fist, Dr.
Dork! Someone's gonna sleep well tonight.
- [Chuckling] - [Whimpering] - [Groans] - What a cutie.
Look at her pound that nerd.
[Both Groaning] - [Groans] - [Sniffing] [Screams] [Screams] # I'm feeling free # # I'll go climb a tree # # Oh, monkey me I'm just like a chimpanzee # # But it's way too high and so this time I'll just pretend # # Oh # # Then I will live to climb again # # Oh, oh # # Oh, oh # # Ah, just remember# # Always safety first ##
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Simpsons Safari
The Simpsons s12e17 Episode Script
Simpsons Safari
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Elephants Trumpeting] Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy we could shop at the gas station like normal people.
I need this candy for school.
- Candy class.
- Well, okay.
But get five bags in case we eat four on the way home.
My teacher said I need cupcakes- cupcakes to learn.
- In the cart.
- [Groans] - I'm out of wine.
- Cart.
[Humming] We need these because we have to- My doctor says- and my garage mechanic agrees- - In the cart.
- Whoo-hoo! You know, I always felt sorry for Marge, having to do the shopping but this is kind of fun.
Whoop.
Yeah! I wish Maggie had to go to the emergency room more often.
[Dr.
Hibbert Chuckles] Hmm.
I never heard of a baby swallowing a magazine before-And I'm a doctor.
I don't know if it matters, but it was a Time magazine.
- Does that matter? - Uh-oh.
- This could be dangerous.
- What? What? Syrian hard-liners are gaining influence.
[Cash Registers Beeping] Wait.
I changed my mind.
- Stack it in the order I'll eat it driving home.
- Sir, please.
I've already bagged it by color and in order of each item's discovery by man.
The customer's always right.
That's what everybody likes about us.
Now, mush! You tell him, Jumbo.
And you- Start over.
I want everything in one bag.
- Yes, ma'am.
- But I don't want the bag to be heavy.
I don't think that's possible.
What are you, the possible police? Just do it.
Hey, hey, watch what you're doin' there, sack monkey.
You're bruising my Dura-Log.
Hurry up! I can't stand here jabbing you all day.
Please- Ow! Stop.
Bag boys have feelings too, you know.
- No, you don't.
- Excuse me.
Is there a problem here? No, I can handle it.
- I'll get you, squealer.
- Ow! Okay, that's it.
On behalf of Sack Stuffers local 199 I'm callin' a strike.
- Strike! Strike! Strike! - [Together] Strike! Strike! Strike! [Chanting Continues] Oh, the bag boys are on strike.
Ooh! I'm shakin'.
Mr.
Simpson, please, will you go home? If I can have this rubber stick.
Pledging to honor the bag boys' strike are the Brotherhood of Fruit Packers and Unpackers the Shelf-Dusters' Union and the Unattractive Waitresses of America.
- Kiss my grits! - [Chuckling] Indeed.
- Good luck, sir.
- No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny from hosting a casual get-together.
Casual? I can taste that get-together now.
- [Glass Shatters] - Hey! I was holding that.
- Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.
- [Whimpers] So hungry.
There's gotta be some food left.
"SulfurJerky"? "Cream ofToast"? Where do we get all this crap? Most of it was sent by relatives who couldn't see very well.
Hey, I found some eggs.
The mother abandoned her nest.
- [Screeching] - Aaah! Aaah! [Moans] There's gotta be something to eat in this house.
[Whining, Sniffing] Hey, the dog smells something.
Good boy! Good boy! Show us where the food is.
Where? Over there? - Hey! - [Snarling] [Sniffing] Yoinck! My old lunch box.
Oh, that Amos Burke made his own rules.
[Humming] [Gasps] Very old animal crackers! Mmm.
Mmm.
[Blows] - [Chomping] - Homer, no! Those were made in the '60s.
Mmm.
Turbulent.
- [Clank] - Ow! - What the hell- - Whoa.
A solid gold animal cracker.
"Find the golden giraffe, and we'll send you and your family to Africa.
" Africa? They're bound to have food there.
And on my free African safari, I wanna do everything on this box.
I want to shoot a lion in the face, fight Muhammad Ali and ride in a convertible with two happy zebras.
Sir, that contest ended 30 years ago.
We don't even make animal crackers anymore.
We make household poisons and Christmas lights.
Your box made promises of a "vacational" nature and I expect you to live up to them.
We won't though.
Sir, with all due respect, an old box of cookies is not a legal contract.
Ow! My eye! - Is that our fault? - We're in big, big trouble.
- He could sue us.
- It was defective string.
Yeah, and it's got very sharp corners.
- Mr.
Simpson, we've decided to make good on your vacation.
- Whoo-hoo! - [Whispering] Hey, mister.
- Yes? On the plane I'm gonna need two seats- for the twins.
- The Simpsons are going to Africa.
- [Together] Yea! - ## [Drums Beating] - [Vocalizing] - [Gasps] - What is it, N'gungo? Evil is coming.
- What shall we do, N'gungo? - Uh- You are N'gungo now.
Aaah! Africa looks like a beautiful jewel.
And these musical garment bags aren't bad either.
[Woman On P.
A.
] Attention, passengers.
Please prepare for our landing in Tanzania.
I'm sorry.
It is now called "New Zanzibar.
" Excuse me.
It is now called "Pepsi Presents New Zanzibar.
" Hello.
Hello, Simpsons.
Welcome to Africa.
- I am your guide, Kitenge.
- Hey, how ya doin'? - Hi.
- Hello.
- Isn't that cute? A bush baby.
- Where? - Aaah! Shoo! Shoo! - [Chittering] Oh, man.
I just bought this shirt.
- Who's Muntu? - He is our leader.
He seized power in a bloodless coup- all smotherings.
Just likeJimmy Carter.
[Brakes Screech] Okay.
You'll be sleeping here tonight.
On the ground? No, Mom.
Ohh.
I will come down for your bags.
That's okay.
I got 'em.
[Grunts] [All Gasp] [Squeaks, Hisses] Eh.
Bound to happen.
- [Insects Buzzing] - Help! Ugh! This mosquito net's not working.
No, no.
You have it inside out.
There.
When do we get to see the animals? In the morning, little one.
Now, good night, and don't let the bedbugs paralyze.
[Marge] Homie, did you remember to tip Kitenge? [Kitenge] No, he did not.
All right! I got another one.
Hey, you didn't see a warthog.
I'm looking at one right now.
Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog.
[Marge] Nobody's a warthog.
- What about him? - [Snorting] - Aaah! - [Laughs] [Gasps] Oh, look, everybody.
[Elephants Trumpeting] [Homer] Wow! It just rolled over to 10,000.
Now we sit quietly and wait for nature to unveil herself.
[Cracking] [Squeals] Wait.
Rhinos don't come from eggs.
- What did you just see, Lisa? - I know, but- - What did you just see? - Hmph.
[Gasps] [Braying] Oh, now, come on.
Look, Mother, by that tree- Cheetah.
- [Growling] - Mmm.
He doesn't look so fast to me.
[Snarls] - [Gasps] - [Yowling] [Kitenge Singing In Native Language] - Take it, Homer.
- # Glibby glup gloopy, Nibby nobby nooby # La lee lo, lo, lo - [Brakes Screeching] - What? What is it? Mmm.
Poachers.
[Growling] [Gasps] That's terrible.
Now, honey, poachers are nature's way of keeping the balance.
Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry a poacher is born.
I don't care.
I hate them.
- [All Gasp] - Let's get out of here! They'll be back.
They left their cargo pants.
This is the earliest known fossil of a human being.
It's over two million years old.
[Blows Raspberries] I've got more bones than that guy.
If you're trying to impress me, you've failed.
It's not the number of bones, sir.
- It's the- - You have failed.
- [Slurping] - [Speaking In Native Language] The Maasai chief welcomes you to his village.
Oh, thank you.
Your ground is so comfortable.
By the way, what kind of blood is this? - Cow.
- [All Gasp, Laugh] Hey, Mom.
Look what Mbali gave me.
Hey, check it out.
- Bart! I told you not to get your lip "disked.
'" - All right.
[Voice Quavering] Uh-oh.
- ## [Drums Beating] - ## [People Chanting] That's it! Get into a frenzy.
Aha! - Whoo! - ## [Jazzy Riffs] This song has been going on for hours.
Yeah.
It's like the Allman Brothers.
- [Babbling] - Homer, no! - [Snarling] - Aaah! A hungry, hungry hippo.
Aaah! Help! Kitenge! - Now, Simpsons! Run for it.
- [Clamoring] - [All Gasp] - Huh? [Kitenge Groaning] - Good old Kitenge.
- [Kitenge Screams] [Growling] Aaah! Quick! Into the river.
- Hippos hate water.
- No, they don't.
They-Aaah! [Squeals] Shaka Zulu! - Which way should we go? - Mmm- Hmm.
Mmm.
Hmm.
Hmm? Hmm.
- The left! Go to the left! - [Grunting] It's working.
Aaah! Leeches! - [Chomp] - Aaah! [Sighs] - [Wind Whistling] - Uh-oh.
[All Scream] Okay, here's the situation.
We're hopelessly lost and about to die.
- [Roaring] - [Screaming] Don't worry.
Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep in a giant blender.
Wonder where this river goes.
[Gasps] I've got a map.
[Laughs] Monkey.
Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here.
- Eh- - Stay in the boat, Homer.
Look.
[Speaking Native Language] Let's just float by quietly.
[Grunts] [Both Gasp] Oh.
You think they settled that bag boy strike yet? - [Rumbling] - Oh, no.
We're headed for Victoria Falls.
Here's why they shouldn't get anything.
One- [All Screaming] Whoo! This flower saved our lives.
Oh, no.
It's eating us.
[Homer] Not a chance.
Wow, Dad.
How did you do that? It's a flower.
[Bird Screeching] [Bart, Lisa] Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? I told you, yes.
Now- Bart, go to the top of that hill and see if you can spot our hotel.
[Bart] Mt.
Kilimanjaro? - Go! - [Groans] Okay.
- Aaah! - [Chittering] - A chimp.
- Hello, little fella.
Hey, maybe he'll lead us to bananas.
Or more mouthwatering monkeys.
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - [Homer] Overtime for bag boys? Ridiculous! [Gasps] This is the place I've read about- where Dr.
Bushwell lives among the chimps.
Oh, isn't that sweet? He named it after his wife.
No, Dr.
Bushwell is a woman.
Well, now I've heard everything.
It's kind of you to take us in, Dr.
Bushwell.
- Yeah.
Thanks for the grub.
- Grubs.
Whatever.
Ah, there's a burst of flavor.
Your work has really inspired me, Doctor- And I love your sensible ponytail.
Well, thank you.
See, Jojo? She likes it.
So I notice your home smells of feces.
- Yes? - And not just monkey feces either.
Could we talk about something else? L-I love what you've done with these poles.
[Sniffing] [Chittering] Every day I get up at 5:30, watch the chimps eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimp-watching.
After dark I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed.
- You must be the most boring woman on earth.
- Possibly, but- - I mean, I knew scientists wasted their lives, but geez! - Homer! - [Screeching] - What? What is it, Pointy? [Brakes Screech] Oh, no.
It's the poachers.
Give us the chimps, and no one gets hurt.
Absolutely not! Will you help me defend the refuge? Anything for these noble animals.
[Chittering] So like us.
[All Grunting] - [Both Grunt] - Huh? - What? - Aaah! [Together] Yes! Aaah! - Somebody light this monkey.
- [Chittering] Aaah! Help! Bad monkey.
[Chittering] [Gagging] Hey! Stop it, you creep.
- Greenpeace? - That's right.
And we're not leaving till we rescue every animal here.
Well, if you really cared about chimps you'd know that Dr.
Bushwell is their best friend.
Oh, is that right? Why don't you tell her about the diamond mine, Doctor? Diamond mine? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this.
[Gasps] The chimps are running a diamond mine.
Why, what fascinating behavior.
L-I must document this new activity.
Dr.
Bushwell! What, these? Well, they were a graduation present.
Unbelievable.
This shaft must be five miles deep.
[All Grunting] [Chittering] [Man] Oh, for- Lookit.
There's more over here.
Look at this.
She's hidden diamonds everywhere.
Even on the soles of her shoes.
Yep.
She's one of the 10 richest chimp researchers in the world.
Look at me! I'm a scientist.
[Laughs, Sighs] Africa.
How could you exploit your beloved chimps like this? I think we should look at her research before we condemn her entirely.
I haven't said anything for a while.
Hmm.
These are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies.
This is disgraceful, Doctor.
All right, so I snapped.
You don't understand the crushing loneliness and greed.
Don't worry, Doctor.
We'll get you all the help you need.
No! Don't put me away.
I'll give you diamonds.
Everybody wants diamonds.
Diamonds will make everything all better.
Diamonds! Diamonds! - What a nice lady.
- Very nice.
- Hey, Lise, check it out.
Diamond vision.
- Buzz off.
Hey, look.
Our tour guide got a new job.
[Marge] Mmm, quite a promotion.
I was wondering what became of him.
What happened to President Muntu? I don't want to talk about it.
[All Laughing] [Homer Laughing] He got overthrown! Now he's just a stinkin'flight attendant.
Hey, where's my pillow? - [Murmuring] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Trilogy of Error
The Simpsons s12e18 Episode Script
Trilogy of Error
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] - Whee! - Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! - [Groans] D'oh! Son of a diddly! - ## [Rock] - Mm-hmm.
[Humming] - [Marge] Breakfast! - [Whistling] Breakfast? [Giggling] [Groans] Cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.
It's a healthy cereal from Europe.
MÃ¼eslix! [All Shuddering] They also make Juice-lix.
[Grunting] - [Doorbell Rings] - That's Milhouse.
- [Ringing Frantically] - And it sounds like he has big news! - Yech! - [Groans] I'll get us out of this.
Say, Dad.
Wanna go see my project for the school science fair? No, Lisa.
But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast.
[Snickers] Meet Linguo, the grammar robot.
I built him all by myself.
If you misuse language, he'll correct you.
Well, let's put him to the test.
Me love beer.
I love beer.
- Oh, he loves beer.
Here, little fella.
- Dad, no! - Error.
- I'm sorry.
I thought he was a party robot.
Oh! This is why I can't have nice things.
[Groaning] Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and- - [Sniffing] - ## [Humming] - Ooh! Can I have a brownie? - They're for after dinner.
- Ooh! Can I have dinner? - You can't have a brownie, period.
- Homer wants a brownie.
I'm gonna get one.
- No.
- Coming in from the left.
- Stop it.
- Or is it the right? Look out for the reach-around! - Homer! He shoots, he sc- [Screams] My thumb! - Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! - I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! [Groaning] Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge! Well, calm down.
If we hurry, they can reattach your thumb.
Reattach a thumb? This isn't Gattaca! - We've just gotta get your thumb to the- - [Both Gasp] Where did it go? - [Gasps] - [Growling] Okay, boy.
Drop the thumb.
[Growling] Nobody's gonna tackle you.
[Grunts] D'oh! Come back with my thumb! This better be good.
I cut off my husband's thumb.
Attempted murder? You'll burn for this- burn in jail! - It was an accident! - Yeah, yeah.
Save it for Dateline Tuesday.
Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address it's, um, 123 Fake Street.
Got it.
- Come on! Come on, boy.
- [Barking] Oh, please give it back! You want people food? I can get you people food.
- [Barks] - Oh! I have nothing he wants! And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends - went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft.
- Yea! - [Barks] - What the diddlio? - Give me back my thumb! - [Barking] - [Grunts] - [Whimpers] [Whistle Tooting] [Gasps, Grunts] [Crying] [Marge] We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer! Okay.
If the doctor asks why you cut it off you caught me in bed with four beautiful women.
- Let's just say that Bart did it.
- [Crash] Oh, doodlebugs.
My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.
- [Grunts] - Homer, help! [Homer Whispering] Marge! Over here! - [Tires Screeching] - [Yelling] [Door Sensor Dinging] I'm sorry, Homer.
Your H.
M.
O.
Doesn't cover this type of injury.
But I have finger insurance! - A thumb is not a finger.
- Isn't there anything you can do? Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.
Symmetry, eh? Hibbert's really losing it.
We're going to Dr.
Nick's.
We need more ice.
My thumb is fading fast! Quick! Moe, Marge cut off my thumb! No problem.
Just stick the old eye gouger in the pickle brine.
- That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.
- Thanks, Moe.
Hey, ain't you gonna have a beer? Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all.
Although I do like the occasional beer.
Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs.
And the Smurfs- They suck! [Sniffing] Uh-oh.
I smell gangrene.
- We gotta wake him up.
- A little coffee'll do the trick.
[Muttering] What? I gotta get to Dr.
Nick's! Where's Marge? Oh, that is so rude.
Oh! I know.
I'll hitchhike! Oh, why isn't this working? ## [Country On Car Stereo] - Hey, thanks for stopping.
- T'ain't nothin'.
You and me share a common infirmity.
If anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger, they's lyin'.
- [Tires Screeching] - [Clucking] Oh, crap! It's on fire! Inflammable means flammable? What a country! Can you drive me to Shelbyville Hospital? - I reckon so.
Hey! - [Tires Screeching] Somebody done "stolded" my wheels! Thanks a lot.
Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.
[Horn Honking] [Moans] It's too late.
Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come.
Say good-bye to your brother.
- [Explosion] - What the hell! [Gasps] Linguo dead? Linguo is - dead.
- [Powering Off] Son of a diddly! [New Age] [Marge] Breakfast! - [Doorbell Rings] - That's Milhouse.
- [Ringing Frantically] - And it sounds like he has big news! - Yech! - [Groans] I'll get us out of this.
Say, Dad.
Wanna go see my project for the school science fair? No, Lisa.
But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast.
- Here, little fella.
- Dad, no! - Error.
- I'm sorry.
I thought he was a party robot.
Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! [Groaning] - Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and- - [Sniffing] Hang on, Linguo.
You'll be up and conjugating in no time.
[Homer Screams] My thumb! Quiet, please.
Some of us are trying to weld.
Almost done.
Just lay still.
- Lie still.
- I knew that.
Just testing.
Sentence fragment.
"Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
- Must conserve battery power.
- [Powers Off] - Just come on.
- [Horn Honking] Uh-oh! The bus! Hey, stop! Wait! Oh! Any day but science project day! Kiss first place good-bye, Lisa! - [Sinister Laughter] - [Electrical Crackling] Oh, no! Somebody took my bike! [Groans] Mom, I need a ride to school! [Marge] We gotta get to the hospital, Homer! [Groans] [Screams] Idiot! You almost ran over a viewer! And she's in our key demo! Sorry about that, kid.
Need a ride? - Can you take me to school, Krusty? - Hop in.
Hey, moron.
Springfield Elementary, and step on it.
[Chittering] [Siren Wails] Hey, Teeny, you know where Ah, it's okay.
Hey, we got the same hat.
- Thanks, Mr.
Teeny.
- [Chitters] - Wha- - [Speaking French] [Repeating In French] Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class.
I do not know this Mademoiselle Hoover of which you speak.
What's happening? Where am I? Sacre bleu! What a foolish question! You are at West Springfield Elementary School.
West Springfield? I'm at the wrong school! - [All Laughing] - En FranÃ§ais.
[Haughty Laughter] [Gasps] Sorry.
I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school.
[Giggles] Can you believe that? It's understandable.
All the schools in this area were built from identical plans.
I guess they didn't have enough money to hire I.
M.
Pei.
Oh.
You know about I.
M.
Pei? I am impressed.
[Nerdy Laughter] - My name's Thelonious.
- As in Monk? Yes.
The esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.
- What do your friends call you? - I don't really have any friends.
[Gasps] Just like me! ## [Pop] Oh, my God! It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours.
I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo.
Oh, but I don't want to leave you.
You must.
You can't sacrifice grades for romance.
- That's not the girl I fell for.
- Will I ever see you again? Of course you will at the magnet high school.
Now, go.
[Panting] Hmm.
It's noon.
That's about when Dad gets the brew shakes.
My dad's not here? I need a ride to school! - Yeah, yeah.
We all got problems.
- [Whimpering] Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency! No can do, doll face.
I got an informant wearing a wire.
[Chuckles] Just like on Nash Bridges.
- We're trying to get the goods on some smugglers.
- [Frequency Whirring] [Fat Tony] Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
- That sounds like Fat Tony.
- Only one way to be sure.
Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? [Man] Hey, where's that voice coming from? - [Man #2] This guy's wearing a wire! - [Fat Tony] Take him out! [Gunfire] My bad.
I can't work my answering machine either.
[Chuckles] Now I need a new informant.
Say, Lisa, people trust you.
How would you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but- Oh.
Quick! Moe, Marge cut off my thumb! - [Horn Honking] - Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb.
Can you take me to school, please? Not right now.
Your father's in there, and- [Homer] Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Oh, he's on the Blue Man Group again.
Come on.
We've got lots of time.
- [Engine Sputters, Stalls] - Oh, no! We're out of gas.
I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge.
I've gotta get to school! [Country On Car Stereo] Hmm.
Let's hitch a ride with that hick.
Abracathumbra! [Laughing] Dang! You could be one of them TV magic queers.
- [Tires Screeching] - [Clucking] [Both Yell] - Shoo! - Mom, I have to get to school! It's 10 to 3:00! Well, I've already borrowed one car.
Let's go! Somebody done "stolded" my wheels.
Thanks a lot! Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.
There's the school! First place, here I come.
[Gasps] Look out! - Bart! - [Tires Screeching] [Gasps, Screams] Son of a diddly! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Lazy, eh? Get him, boys! - ## [Theme] - Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, okay! [Marge] Breakfast! - [Doorbell Rings] - That's Milhouse.
- [Ringing Frantically] - And it sounds like he has big news! - I found something awesome in the woods! - Is it a dead body? - It's cooler than a million dead bodies! - [Snickers] You take my sister's bike.
Let's see.
Front door.
Back door.
Skinner's.
Flanders'.
Your house.
Ah! Lisa's bike.
- What's it like riding a girl's bike? - It's disturbingly comfortable.
Whoa! How'd you find it? - This is where I come to cry.
- Cool.
Wow! Sacks! - Burlap sacks! - It gets better.
They're full of fireworks! Bottle rockets, frog launchers, Weeping Mamas.
Tijuana Toilet Crackers! [Bart] Three, two, one.
Gnomes, blow up.
[Both Laughing Hysterically] [Grunting Loudly] - [High-pitched Screaming] - We're not ready! [Sinister Chuckle] - [Grunts] - Uh-oh.
So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr.
Uh, let's make it both.
- Garr! - Don't worry.
It's inflammable.
Let's keep this our little secret.
- [Siren Wailing] - We gotta hide! We'll be safe in here.
Here we are.
The home of Knifey Wifey.
Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.
[Chuckling] Ah, sure.
Whatever you want, birthday boy.
Okay, drop the knife, Stabitha! - [Both Grunt] - Great grilled-cheese ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
There's enough Chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time.
I can't go to juvie.
They use guys like me as currency! Yeah.
They'll pass you around like- Well, like currency, like you said.
Maybe we can make you boys a deal.
Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.
"Hootie and the Blowfish"? Yeah.
It's cheaper than blank tape.
Great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss.
Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions.
So much paperwork.
Knock-knock.
Excuse me.
My friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks.
Yes, we are.
Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
[Wiggum On Radio] Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? - Hey, where's that voice coming from? - This guy's wearin' a wire! Take him out! [Grunting] Whoa! - [Wiggum] My bad.
- [Grunts] Hey, there they are! - Gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters.
- Shoulder or ankle? Surprise me.
- [Both Whimpering] - [Groaning] Milhouse, quick! [Gasps] Look out! - Bart! - [Gasps, Screams] [Clunks] - Ow! Mom! - [Milhouse] Hurry up, Bart! [Tires Screeching] [Both Panting, Gasping] You ain't goin' nowhere! You leave those boys alone! - [Grunts] - [Yelling] Hey, they's throwin' robots! They are throwing robots.
He's disrespecting us.
Shutuppayouface! Shut up your face.
- What's-a matta, you? - You ain't so big.
Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza! [Stammering] Bad grammar overload! Error! Error! - [Explosion] - What the hell! [Gasps] Linguo dead? [Both Shuddering] It's all right, boys.
Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay.
Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project.
I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments.
Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.
There you go.
Enjoy your thumb.
[Lisa] As the circulation returns the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery.
It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced Mob doctor.
He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain.
That's a first place science project, Lisa.
[All Cheering] Boy, this sure was one crazy day.
- Right, Mr.
Teeny? - [Chuckling] [All Laughing] [Chittering Loudly] - [Laughter] - [French Teacher] En FranÃ§ais.
[Haughty Laughter]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  I'm Goin' to Praise Land
The Simpsons s12e19 Episode Script
I'm Goin' to Praise Land
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Ice cream at church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.
Wow, look at all these flavors.
"Blessed Virgin Berry, Command-mint, Bible Gum.
" Or if you prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
- There's nothing here.
- Exactly.
One Tower of Babel and build it to heaven.
To heaven! Oh.
Christ be with you.
[Groaning] D'oh! [Groans] [Clears Throat] Hi.
I've created the first intra-bovine ice-cream maker.
It makes use of all four stomachs.
The first being filled with rock salt, then sugar, cream and of course, Freon so cold it burns me.
I'll have the darkety kind.
Uh, one chocolate, Mootilda.
[Moos] [Gulps] Can I have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla? - Huh? Uh-uh! - Oh, nonsense.
You can do it.
- [Moos] - [Groans] Ivan Reitman! - [Whining] - Ow! - I've never seen a brain freeze this bad.
- [Whining] Give me 50 c.
c.
's of hot fudge stat! Hold still.
You're gonna feel a slight chocolaty sensation.
[Gurgling] [Sighs] [P.
A.
Feedback Squeals] All right, let's welcome this evening's entertainment.
They call her the Christian Madonna RachelJordan! [Applause, Whistling] Ã¢â¢ÂªJesus loves me, this I'm sure Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª I'm a groupie on his tour Ã¢â¢Âª - ## [Continues, Indistinct] - RachelJordan? Isn't that the woman you had a crush on, Ned? [Stammering] I didn't have a crush on her.
- Are you blushing, Mr.
Flanders? - No, I'm not- - Leave Ned alone.
- Thank you, Homer.
He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back.
And there's only one way to find out.
Does Rachel like Ned? It says I have cooties.
Flanders has cooties! Flanders has cooties! [Applause] That was great.
I can't believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.
Hey, she's coming this way! - [Gasps, Clears Throat] - I thought you didn't like her.
[All Laugh] - Oh! - [Gasps] Ned Flanders? - Now, where have you been hi-diddly-hiding? - Uh, huh? Oh, hey, Rachel.
[Chuckles] Well, what do you know? We both like plain vanilla with nothin' on it.
Actually, all the toppings were gone.
[Both Groan] Ants are crawling in my mouth, and I don't care.
So, uh, where's your band? They switched from Christian music to regular pop.
All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby.
" - Oh, how horrible.
- Uh! They'll all go to hell.
- Say, how's your life going? - Ooh, she wants to know how your life is going.
Well, my wife's passing was rough.
But I think I'm finally ready to move on.
That's great.
Maybe we could have coffee sometime.
Oh, she wants to have coffee sometime! - I can hear her, Homer! - He can hear you, Rachel! I'd love to get together, but tomorrow I've got lifeguard duty at the baptismal pool.
Okay.
Well, maybe another time.
You know, I'd better go check into my hotel.
Hotel? Why don't you just stay at Ned's place? My place? What would the neighbors think? We're the neighbors, and we don't think.
Ned, I understand if you feel uncomfortable.
You're still getting over your wife.
Now, wait just a Maude-gone minute here! I'm through livin' in the past, and you can see for yourself.
Well, you've certainly got a theme going.
All right, I'll take the couch, and you can have my room.
Oh, uh, could you sleep on my side? I'm trying to preserve Maude's indentation.
- Sorry.
- Oh, no problem! A little starch'll fix her right up.
- [Shudders] - Cold, huh? This should keep you toasty.
How about that? It says "Maude.
" [Sniffs] Mmm, I love chenille.
Don't you? I don't love it.
I don't hate it.
Mmm, well, good night, Maude.
I mean, Maude.
I mean, Rachel! I mean, Maude.
Oop! ## [Ned Humming] [Gasps, Shrieks] Oh, my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife! No, no! L-l- I know this is, uh, a tad unseemly.
But if you just let me even out the back- I'm calling a cab! Good-bye, Ned! - [Door Slams] - Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all.
Yeah, maybe it was too soon.
Well? Aren't you gonna invite me in? I sure appreciate you folks offering to go through Maude's things.
If it were up to me, I wouldn't throw anything away.
Oh, don't you worry.
We'll make all the hard decisions so you don't have to.
- We can take whatever we want, right? - Ye-What? Don't listen to him.
You just have a good time at the eye doctor.
Always do! - [Homer] Say, "Bye, Mr.
Flanders.
" - [Children] Bye, Mr.
Flanders! [Marge] Poor Ned.
He can't look anywhere without being reminded of Maude.
Yeah, a lifetime of memories.
[Grunts] Homer, don't you have any respect? Sure.
Of course I do.
But life goes on.
Ashes to ashes.
Turn, turn, turn.
Long live rock, and so forth.
[Humming] Don't throw this away.
It's Rod's first tooth.
You're right.
We could use this for witchcraft.
Wow.
Three pairs of shoes.
Someone had a fetish.
- ## [Music Box: Slows, Stops] - [Homer Grunting] Man, this is taking forever.
I know how to speed things up.
[Whining, Grinding] - [Banging] - Her pillow's stuck.
[Gulps] Oh, my.
The room looks so bare.
- Are you okay, Ned? - Yeah, just a little shocked.
What's that? Some kind of sorting machine? - Kinda.
- [Whining, Grinding] Now for the awkward part.
We gotta talk about money.
- [Gasps] - You said we were doing this out of friendship.
What? That doesn't sound like me.
Hey, Dad.
Something didn't get, um, "sorted.
" [Gasps] Maude's old sketchbook.
She was quite the little artist, you know.
Oh, eh, is that a fact? And you think you know someone.
There's our house.
A rainbow.
Oh, a white hand shaking a black hand.
"Praiseland"? "Rides, food"? A"tithing pond"? - [Lisa] It looks like an amusement park.
- You're right! Maude designed a Christian amusement park.
- Oh, it must've been her final dream.
- Hey, how about that? Let's build it for her, Daddy.
[Chuckles] Oh, that's a nice thought, Toddy.
But to build an amusement park, you need lots of money and manpower and turnstiles.
But Mommy wanted it.
- Hmm? - But where do you put something that big? You could fix up the old Storytime Village.
They've been out of business ever since that kid got his head cut off.
- That sounds perfect.
- Well, what the heck? - Who's ready to build an amusement park? - [All] Yea! Sell Storytime Village? Why, you gotta be off your tuffet! Well, it's been closed for so long, and l- I thought I could turn it into a Christian theme park.
Christian, eh? Well, that's different.
Now, the thing is I don't have a lot of money.
And what the hell good are you? Beat it, you hippie! - But l- - You're right.
That was harsh.
Tell you what.
Maybe I could donate the park as a tax write-off.
[Gasps] If you could do that, I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord! Ah, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is.
It's really sickening there aren't more people like you.
Now get out your pen and we'll make it official.
Oh, bless you, sir! [Grunts] Geppetto's workshop will make a great stable for the Nativity scene.
[Grunting] You're doing that the sucker way.
Try a little vitamin "G"! [Humming] [Gasps] Are you nuts? Relax.
It's a controlled burn.
Uh-oh.
[Recording: Lamb Bleating] [Straining, Grunts] Darn teenagers with their beer bottles.
Uh, yeah.
Teenagers.
Huh! [Sighs] Ned, I'm worried about you.
You've been working nonstop for the past week.
Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought.
But I'm not complaining, 'cause I work for a sweet, sweet boss.
You're our foreman, Maude.
She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that? No, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's gettin' kind of slack.
How about asking the community for donations? [Chuckles] I'm not very good at begging people for stuff.
I am.
I'd be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative.
- Oh, thanks, Homer.
- No problem.
I'll need a sack and something sharp.
Well, I guess I could donate these costumes.
They're from my Last Supper pie-throwing sketch.
[Grunts] You can have these, uh, fireworks I confiscated.
Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February.
[Laughs] Oh, yeah.
Those guys and their crazy scams.
[Both Laugh] Good food though.
This sawdust'll soak up the puke from the roller coaster.
That's Willie's special blend.
[Sniffing] Do I detect a hint of cinnamon? Oh, I'll never tell.
Praiseland amusement park has its grand opening today.
We now go live to its founder, Mr.
Nedward Flanders.
Oh, morning, Kent.
Our volunteers have done an amazing job - getting the park ready here.
- [Chuckles] We're gonna show Springfield that faith and devotion - are the wildest thrill rides of all.
- [Babbles, Gasps] All right.
I hear the mayor's arriving for the ribbon cutting.
It is with great pride that I dedicate this new school, sports arena or attraction.
[Crowd Cheering] Well, Maude, your dream has finally come true.
[Children Shouting, Laughing] Halt! Who dares to disturb King David? Silence! You have invaded the chamber where I wrote all of my 150 psalms.
- [All Gasp] - I hope you enjoy hearing them all.
Number one.
"Blessed is the man - who does not walk in the council of the wicked.
" - [Chattering, Shouting] What do you hit 'em with? - There's no mallet.
- You can stop Satan with your faith.
- My face? You callin' me ugly? - No, no, no, no.
I think you're beautiful.
- Oh, that's it! - [Shrieks] Ooh, what can I get you, little Christian? How about a Noah's Ark of jellies? Oh, are there two of every flavor? - Nope.
They're all the same- plain.
- Oh.
How about a Maude mask? [Feminine Voice] I'm Maude.
God is super! Can I sit in the car? - Let's both sit in the car.
- Bye-bye.
A Bible park without beer? [Scoffs] Now I've seen everything! And this candy is subpar.
Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson.
Oh! Hey, get out of the way, pal.
You're blocking the exit.
- Oh, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in? - Don't you dare! - [Dr.
Riviera] Bye, everybody! - [Apu] What a rip-off! - It ain't even worth torching.
- Whoa! Where's everyone going? What's wrong? This place is the height of tedium.
Yarr! She blows! [Gasps] [Sighs] Oh, Maude, I turned your dream of a Christian amusement park into a bemusement park.
- [Gasps] Don't say that, Ned! - It is! It's a bemusement park! I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, please, don't look at me like that! [Gasps] - [All Gasp] - It's a miracle! - [All Exclaiming] - It's almost like she's alive again.
What's that, floating mask? Y-You want me to shoot everyone? - [All Exclaiming] - Nah, I'm just screwin' with ya.
It's a miracle.
[All] Oh! - [All Exclaiming] - This is fantastic.
I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief.
Oh, what the heck! Huh? Huh? I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts! Whoa-hoa! - What the- - [Grunting] Ah! What is wrong with you? - Go get that! - Yes, ma'am.
Well, looks like our phenomenon is actually a phenome-not! [Chuckles] Because when you look at it rationally- [Gibberish] - [All Exclaiming] - He's speaking in tongues! Oh, knock it off, Seymour! Go find that boy with my purse! Oh! It was incredible! I saw heaven! - [All Gasp] - But it wasn't clouds and angels playing harps like at the end of so many Three Stooges shorts.
It was a golden elementary school with a teacher's lounge that stretched as far as the eye could see.
- And no one was ever tardy.
- Was I there? - No! It was heaven- my vision of heaven.
- [Crowd Murmuring] Oh, truly this was the will of Maude.
Hey, I want the Maude statue to give me a vision! [Wiggum] Yeah! I want to hallucinate too! I'm sorry.
The ticket price doesn't cover visions, miracles or other godly hoo-ha.
Yeah, folks.
The power of Christ compels you to give Ned an extra 10 bucks.
- [Chattering, Shouting] - Homer, no! I can't exploit a divine manifestation.
Oh, why not? Everybody's doin' it.
You could give the money to the orphanage.
I hear they need a new wall.
[Whimpering] Three is not enough.
[Coughing, Gagging] [Chattering] [Humming] Maude, it's Disco Stu.
Lay some heaven on me, foxy dead chick.
Ooh! [Grunting] ## [Disco: Women Vocalizing] Ah, Disco Stu.
Right this way.
But, hey, Saint Peter, you just said, like, you was full.
- Oh, yeah! - Ah, geez.
- ## [Continues] - Ah! Ooh! Ah! - Whoa, Frank Sinatra! - For me, this is hell.
You dig, pally? Ah, ah! [Grunting] - Who's next? - That would be me.
Thank you, sonny.
[Grunting] [Alarm Blaring] My chair! It's got a mind of its own! - Help me, Mr.
Spock! - Shazbot! My captain is in peril.
[Shouting] You saved the captain's life.
I want to make out with you.
And so do Catwoman and Agent 99.
- [Purrs] - [Kisses] Oh! How come everybody's having visions, Daddy? Oh, there's no explaining God's will, Roddy.
That's like explaining how an airplane flies.
Stupid grill! Why won't you light? The gas is on full blast.
You better stick your head in and see what's goin' on.
- Good idea.
- No, Dad! I think there's a leak in the line! Leak in the line? [Hissing] [Gibberish] Oh, no! This isn't a divine miracle.
Everyone's just gettin' goofy from the gas.
[Gibberish] Uh- Uh, folks, I just discovered eh, something about this statue that, uh, may disappoint you.
You see- What is it, Mr.
Flanders? Is something wrong with the miracle? Will there still be money for the orphans? [Wheezing] [Coughing] Hello, gas company? How poisonous is your gas? Wow.
Bu- Eh- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation.
That- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see.
I gotta close Praiseland down.
Someone could get hurt.
- [Sighs] - "Could" get hurt.
"Could.
" There's a chance they won't.
Ned, Praiseland has touched an entire town with its inspiring message and toxic super freak-outs! Look at those smiling faces.
Rich laughing with poor.
Bullies breaking bread with nerds.
Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line.
Lighting candles? - [Gasping] - [Groaning] - [Together] No-o-o! - [Orphans Scream, Groan] I can't feel my legs.
I taste blood.
[Ned, Homer Sigh] - [All Gasp] - Adults attacking orphans? - I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that.
- Absolutely not! - Never! - No friggin' way! Yeah.
This place is more like "Crazeland.
" - [Crowd] Huh? - Instead of"Praiseland.
" - [Crowd] Oh! - I see.
- It's a play on words.
May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin', orphan-beatin' soul! - Christ be with you! - [Horn Honking] Hey, Ned! I just read about your park in that horrible triple "A" magazine.
Ooh, Ned, look who's here.
It's that girl you don't like.
Not! [Laughing] Hey, your hair's grown back real nice.
It's a wig.
And let's never speak of it again.
- So what happened here? - How about I explain it to you over a cup of coffee? That is if you're willing to give me another shot.
Are you sure you want to do this, Ned? I'm sure.
- So how about a movie tomorrow night? - Sounds great.
I think Ned is gonna be all right.
## [Disco: Women Vocalizing] # Get dancin', dancin', dance # - # Get dancin', dancin', dance # - [Man] Keep movin'.
# Here come deejay Disco Tex # # Truckin'with his Sex-O-Lettes # # Get dancin', dancin', dance # # Guaranteed to rock the boat # # Machine-gun rap and locomote # # Get dancin', dancin', dance ## [Man] Come on, baby.
Come out there and dance to your song.
Turn yourself on! [Speaking Spanish] Over Hollywood-America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie! - [Murmuring] - Shh! [Orphan Girl Coughing, Wheezing]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Children of a Lesser Clod
The Simpsons s12e20 Episode Script
Children of a Lesser Clod
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Tires Screeching] Welcome to the Springfield YMCA.
Tonight you can sample all of our classes for free.
And if you find one you like, you can pay the membership fee and enroll.
[Laughter] [Laughs] I know.
We'll never see any of you again.
- [Assenting] - [Homer] You got that right.
[Ball Bouncing] Alley-oop.
Three to one.
Oh, this is a high-scoring affair.
Yeah? Well, it's your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket.
[Muttering] I'll get a ball out of your peach basket one of these days.
[Romanian Accent] Welcome to gymnastics.
I am Coach Lugash.
I came to this country in '83 by cartwheeling over Berlin Wall.
[Giggles] - No giggling! It weakens the haunches! - [Gasps] What a little angel.
How old are you? - Eight.
- Eight? Too old! Go home, Grandma! I am sorry, little girl.
Lugash must go next door to anger management class.
Worthless anger management class! I hate it so much! I spit on it! Yo, boy, this class is tight.
You go from "sloppa" to "proppa.
" Cool.
- [Gasp] - Welcome to my etiquette class: - The Proper Young Man.
- But the black man said- Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass! Mmm, I'll pick, uh, Carl.
Lenny and Carl.
I kinda like the sound of that.
My turn, huh? Let's see.
Pick me! Pick me! I got hoop dreams, Coach! I got 'em bad! - Okay.
Homer! - Yes! Losers! Losers, losers, l- - You said Homer, right? - Mm-hmm.
Losers! I'll take Professor Frink.
Ah, you won't regret it, my good man.
What with the passing, and the dribbling and my shoes made of the flubber! And away I go! It's frightening.
Ow, that was painful.
Oh, the flubber is burning my feet! Now before we begin fitness buff Rainier Wolfcastle would like to say a few words about the Springfield YMCA.
[Grunts] Oh, hello.
I have purchased the Springfield YMCA.
I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve where I will hunt the deadliest game of all- Man! Now let's play ball! Ooh, and Lenny is taking off! - [Grunts] - That's a foul.
I am taking the ball and going home.
Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! [Rifle Clicks] The chase begins.
[Gasps] Whoo! You da man, Carl! I believe you can fly! Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African-American! [Grunts] [Chanting] Go, Carl.
Go, Carl.
It's my birthday.
It's my birthday.
Three-peat! You got mail, baby! - [Shrieks] - [Groans] Willie tickles the twine for two! Oy! Oy! Okay, guys.
I got a secret play I've been saving for the Olympics or possibly the Final Four.
And it goes something like this.
[Quietly] All right, Skinner, I want you to block out Carl.
Moe, you can take Professor Frink.
Homer, you take Groundskeeper Willie.
No way am I taking Groundskeeper Willie.
Yes, you are.
Are you a team player or not? Oh, my goodness, an untied shoelace.
I'll just get down on one knee and re-tie that.
[Grunts] Eat my dust, mortals! [Groans] I'm okay.
- [Metal Squeaks] - [Gasp] [Groans] Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior cruciate ligament.
- Did you say anterior? - Yes.
[Screaming] Now how did this happen? Maybe a little morphine would refresh my memory.
[Chuckles, Sighs] I don't know.
I'm still a little hazy.
Ga! Oh, yeah.
- Now I remember it like it was yesterday.
- It happened today.
Hey, man, you're harshing my buzz.
Anyway, it all started when I was- [Straining] You go, Homer.
- [Grunt] Whoosh! - [Crowd Cheers] Ow! Jetson! We've got to get you into surgery.
Maybe a little morphine would get me there quicker.
- [Sigh] - [Grunts] So many times we've seen our father go under the knife.
One more and I get a free hysterectomy.
Now, Homer, you'll have a full recovery from your spinal cord injury.
- What spinal cord injury? - Oh, he fell off the gurney.
But it will take plenty of time and rehab before you can go back to work.
Miss work? But my life would be nothing without the nucleon plant.
Oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital bill.
You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
But Doctor Screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp.
But you don't have to worry about the bill.
We've never welshed on a- Look, a bear! Run! - [Snapping] - [Screaming Groans] [Growling] Now, Homer, I want you to stay off that leg for two weeks.
Two weeks? What am I supposed to do? Just sit on my ass and watch TV? That ain't my style, man.
Now, Homer, there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you.
[Sniff] No, they don't.
Mmm, everyone's having fun but me.
- ## [Humming] - Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy.
Mrs.
Simpson, can Homer come out and play? No, Homer won't be able to play for a long time.
[Groans] Would you make me someJell-O? You shoo, Barney Gumble.
[Sigh] Well, I can still hang out with you guys.
Sorry.
I got a baseball game in 15 minutes.
And I've got a rally for Take Back the Afternoon.
[Chuckles] So, the tables have turned! - Now you're the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude! - [Cracking Noise] [Gasp] There goes my wagging finger.
I'm so bored! Aw, come on.
There's lots of ways to pass the time.
Hitch up your pants, air whittle.
[Humming] Make friends with a Chinese man.
Uh, Mr.
Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home.
- Thank you, Ping-Pong.
- My name is Craig.
Sure, it is.
This place is so boring.
I gotta do something to keep from going crazy.
I know.
I'll breed the pets to each other.
[Evil Laugh] - [Meows] - [Whines] - [Yelps] - [Meows] Soon I will have a miracle hybrid with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog! Let's get it on - [Barking] - [Yowling] - [Dog Whines] - No.
That's not how you do it! [Gasps] - [Yowls] - Quitters! - [Dog Yelping] - Hey, Homer.
Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being! - Stupid Flanders.
- Hey, Homer, I need to ask you a favor.
My babysitter canceled, and I got tickets to a Christian rock concert.
[Laughs] It's gonna be one wholesome evening.
So, you think Marge could take care of Rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Todd? Well, Marge isn't here.
She had to identify a body at the morgue.
That's not my Uncle Lou.
And this man's not dead.
That's what I've been trying to tell you! - That's just gas escaping.
- [Cries] Would you mind watching the kids? I'm kinda in a pickle here.
Well, they would keep me company.
And this pickle you're offering only sweetens the deal.
- [Cheering] - [Grunts] Mr.
Simpson, can we have another jelly and candy sandwich? - Sure.
Knock yourselves out.
And call me Homer.
- [Boys Gasp] Daddy said it's rude to call grown-ups by their first name.
Daddy's not here, is he? [Laughs] Now my good man, what do you like to play? - PokÃ©mon! - PokÃ©mon? PokÃ©mon? With the pokey and the man and the- [Gibberish] - [All Laugh] - That is the darnedest thing.
So did you boys have a good time? Yeah.
Mr.
Simpson was really funny.
He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
[Laughs] Yeah.
Well, how was the concert? Well, sir, I've never heard a preacher use the M-F word so many times.
Anyway, thanks again.
Hey, it was fun.
My kids are sick of all my stories.
But they just can't get enough of me.
Can Mr.
Simpson watch us every day? [Laughs] Oh, Roddy, he's not running a day care center.
Don't tell me what I'm not doing.
So you are running a day care center? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Oh, I sure would.
It would give the boys a place to go after school.
Then I'll do it, just to see the look on your face.
That's the one.
# This world is whistles and missiles # # Bones and trombones ## Why did you put my name on the sign? It's just a legal thing to protect me.
Is your knee really gross under there? - See for yourself.
- Ew! - Can I touch it? - Sure.
Go for the gusto.
[Whimpers] It's healing over my hand.
- It knows you're afraid.
- [Doorbell Rings] - [Chattering] - Hello.
I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
- We're calling it day care.
- Yes, whatever.
Just take them! Aw, aren't they sweet? - Any medical things I should know about? - Yes, probably! Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed.
I owe it all to my rewarding work with children.
And not picking at it.
Ah, yes, how is your day care center doing? Wonderful! Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top.
- You got any? - [Chuckles] Always with the morphine.
[Chuckles] Mmm.
Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Dad's been doing that for two hours! I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult.
- [Chuckles] Peek a boo! - [Whines] Uncle Homer, will you sing that crazy song we love? [Chuckles] Okay.
Is that all there is Is that all there is If that's all there is my friend Then let's keep dancing - [Laugh] - I can't remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song.
Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing till your knee was better.
Yes.
But then I discovered the joys of raising children.
- What about us? - Don't worry, honey.
You'll have children of your own someday.
Then you'll know my joy.
Hey, Bart, your dad gave me this temp tattoo.
It's so cool.
[Imitating Motorcycle] You have the "bestest" dad.
He read me a story about Chinese food.
You haven't seen the real Homer.
It's all burping and neglect.
I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.
Is that my jacket? - He said it looked better on me! - [Groans] If you're happy and you know it, say a swear - Boobs! - Heinie! - Mitten! [All Laugh] They're always laughing.
Laughing at nothing.
How come parents are always nicer to other kids than they are to their own? I guess Dad just takes us for granted.
Well, don't worry.
This'll give his heartstrings a much-needed plucking.
[Laughs] Huh? Aw, what a beautiful frame.
Perfect for my day care permit.
Sweet.
Mm-hmm.
[Both Groan] Hang on, everybody! Three two one, blast off! [Laughing] That was "tree-mendous!" [Chuckles] Where's Ralph? I almost died! Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards.
We honor people who make life better for the community.
Like you with your day care center.
- I contributed by not objecting too much.
- Aw, that's my girl.
Anyway, this film crew will shoot some behind-the-scenes footage of your amazing work.
- Is there a snack table? - It's already set up.
[Giggles, Chomping] Don't film this! Uh, excuse me.
This is a hot set.
No visitors.
- It's my room.
- Well, if you want, you can sit on this.
[Grumbling] - Teamsters are sleeping in my room.
- We'rejust resting our eyes.
'Cause the thing is there are no bad kids.
Ow! You stepped on my arm! Sorry.
Daddy thought you were a pile of cable.
Tell me about the Homer Cares Program.
My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved.
Aww.
Did you make 'em yourself? Yes.
Through the magic of caring.
- Night will come soon.
- There's gotta be a way to get back at Dad.
Well, I've been cutting the felt kind of crooked.
No.
We've gotta show the world what Dad's really like.
Then everything will be back to normal.
[Evil Laugh] Back to normal.
[Evil Laugh Continues] I'm a nice guy I'm a hell of a guy And tonight we honor you Stop the music! Stop it! One more line, and we have to pay for the song! - Now, is anyone here from Springfield? - You know we are! Oh, tough crowd.
[Laughs] So what's in the news? Oh, right.
The bus disaster-very sad.
Now our first award is for biggest people pleaser.
You can walk all over these doormats.
[Laughs] And the nominees are Ned Flanders, Principal Seymour Skinner and Mother Teresa Junior.
And the winner is Principal Skinner! - [Grunts] - [Growls] [Laughs] Now I'm told there's a glitch in our Internet webcast.
So all of you out there, type " control backslash semicolon alt dot escape" - and you'll be fine.
- [Grunts] Ah, perfect.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
We'd like to thank our sponsor, Hanson's Hypno-Coins.
- If you can find a sturdier hypno-coin, you buy it.
- [Applause] Now, every year we find one Good Samaritan so deserving that not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
[Groans] Who writes this stuff? [Chimp Chitters, Growls] This year's winner ofThe Saint Who Walks Among Us Award- Please let me win this Lord, 'cause if you don't- [Krusty] Homer Simpson! - Yes! - [Cheering, Applause] All my love has come back in trophy form.
Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work.
[Man Narrating] It looks like any other home in America.
But this is the house that love built.
[Grunts] - [Engine Hums] - [Tires Screech] [Laughs] His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon ofhope.
Aww.
I guess you could sum up Homer in two words: - [Bart] Big phony! - [Gasp] This is the real Homer Simpson- - A beer-drinking meanie! - [Sniffs] - [Groans] - Huh? - And he gambles like crazy.
- [Laughs] - I'll call.
- Three nines.
Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa.
- [Gasping, Murmuring] - Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies.
What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until l- Oh, my God! - I'll mace you good! - [Screams] - [Gasps] - That is completely taken out of context! Why you little- [Screaming] Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie.
You're out of that day care center.
Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! [Grunts] No! No! No one is taking my kids from me! [Grunt] Run, children, run! [Cletus] Come back here with my young'un! The term "soccer mom" is thrown around all too often these days.
But the nominees in our next category- - [Chattering] - Where are we going? Uh, for frosty chocolate milk shakes! [Insane Laugh] Frosty chocolate milk shakes! - [Tires Screeching] - An award ceremony erupted in kidnapping tonight as alleged good guy Homer Simpson absconded with several children in a stolen paddy wagon.
Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky.
- [Sirens Wailing] - [Arnie] I can see them right below me.
I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes.
Arnie, please leave this to the police.
I'm sick of being a reporter.
I want to make the news! - Arnie, this is not the time! - You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time! Where are we going, Mr.
Simpson? - I'll tell you where we're not going.
Jail! - Then you better turn.
Uh-oh! Aaah! [Groaning] [Arnie] He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat.
- He's digging a hole like a dog.
- [Sobbing] Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth.
He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck.
His legs are dangling in a comical fashion.
Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
[Kent Brockman] Arnie, Arnie, how are the children? [Arnie] I can't see through metal, Kent! All right, Fatty.
Out of the pipe! Why did you rat me out, kids? Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you? - Yep.
- Pretty much.
Well, I learned my lesson.
From now on, you two are the only kids I'll care about.
Oh, and Maggie.
Now let's all enjoy the snack table while we still have it.
The teamsters said they'd pick it up by 5:00.
Yeah.
That'll happen.
- [All Laugh] - [Homer] Teamsters.
- [All Laugh] - [Homer] Teamsters.
- [Bill Cosby] PokÃ©mon? PokÃ©mon? - Shh.
With the pokey and the man and the-[Gibberish]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 12  >  Simpsons Tall Tales
The Simpsons s12e21 Episode Script
Simpsons Tall Tales
[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] I can't believe it! We won another contest.
- The Simpsons are going to Delaware! - I wanna see Wilmington! - I wanna visit a screen door factory.
- Yep.
Delaware's got it all.
You're next, Mr.
Simpson.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Airport tax: Five dollars? - Sir, it's a standard fee.
Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax.
Waive it! [Train Horn Blaring] Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws! - [Grunts] - [Grunts] [Both Grunt] The Simpsons are riding the rails! Cool.
A dead hobo.
[Grunts] - [All Scream] - Mornin', folks.
- What are you gonna do to us? - Now, don't worry.
I'm not a stabbin' hobo.
I'm a singin' hobo.
- [All Sigh] - # Nothin' beats the hobo life # Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife - # I gouge them-## - Excuse me, Hobo.
Can you play something a little less unnerving? [Chuckles] Sure.
I was just having a little fun with you "nobos.
" Uh, here's a ballad that'll set fire to your trash can.
## [Banjo] Won't you listen to my tale that's 10 stories tall 'Bout a king-sized woodsman name a Bunyan, comma, Paul - [Birds Twittering] - [Dr.
Riviera] Congratulations, Mr.
Bunyan.
- It's a boy! - [Babbling Incoherently] Jeezum crow! - How was it, honey? - Whiskey, please.
- Me "hungee.
" - [Mooing] [Hobo] # Born mighty big he continued to expand # # Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland # Hey! [Giggles] [Straining] I'll get ya! [Whimpers, Yells] # His body grew big but his brain stayed small # # He was tree-choppin', friend-stompin' house-crushin'Paul ## [Sniffing] Me hungee! Time to make Paul's breakfast.
Hey, Paul, flapjacks! - [Giggling] - [People Screaming] Flapjacks! [Drooling] [All Screaming] Out of the frying pan! Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch.
- And-Wait.
Where's Lenny? - [Lenny] Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out.
It's not pretty, but it'll do.
All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan.
We're going bankrupt just feedin' and clothin' the guy not to mention the crushings.
- [All Murmuring In Agreement] - Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town.
Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
- [All Murmuring In Agreement] - Yeah, that's a great idea! Hmm.
## [Humming] Uh, hey, Paulie? What say we buy you a beer? [Soft Laughter] Aw, you guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus could have.
[Muttering Incoherently] Good Lord! Brought down by one beer? And a couple of these babies.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the barn dance.
- [All Straining] - [Man] Watch his head.
[Mutters, Gasps] Where am I? Oh, they don't want me anymore.
[Groans Softly] [Hobo] # Paul was just as lonely as a man could get # # So he took out his ax and he carved himself a pet ## And now- [Grunts] Oh, boy.
I wish you were real.
[Sighs] Mmm.
[Snoring] Hey, what the- [Giggling] Oh, it's a miracle! I'll call you Babe.
You'll be my best friend.
[Hobo] So Paul and his blue ox Babe traveled all across this great land, leavin'their mark.
[Bellowing] [Mumbling Incoherently] - [Grunting] - [Screeching] Excuse me.
Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.
And his size seems to be really inconsistent.
I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall.
The next, his feet are as big as a lake.
- Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? - I'm just sayin'.
# Now Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match # - # But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch ## - Huh? [Gasps] She's pretty.
[Gasps] Oh.
What a handsome man.
- [Screams] - [Giggling] - [Screaming] - Got ya! Don't worry.
I won't smush you.
- You're cute.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- ## [Humming] - Hey, what are you doing? - I just wanna spruce up for our date.
- Oh.
[Giggling] Whoo-hoo! [Blowing] [Chuckles] - [Grunts] - Mmm! [Groans] Oh! We've been together a long time now.
- When are we gonna, you know- - Soon.
I just need a few more yoga classes.
Oh, look! A shooting star.
Hey, that meteor's headed straight for us with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain! Pain in the glayvin! [Indistinct] God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love.
- No! We're gonna die! - [All Clamoring] There's only one man who can save us.
Oh, I get it.
When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me.
But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mr.
Popular.
Yeah.
That's pretty much it.
Whoo-hoo! I'm Mr.
Popular! [Giggling] Come on.
Right across the plate.
Let's see what you got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy that I crippled.
[Marge] You can do it, Paul! Gimme a kiss for luck.
Ow! Hot! Oh, boy, that's- [Yelling] Oh, come on! Ow! [Gasping, Grunts] [All Cheering] [Hobo] And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.
Boy, that story had everything.
- A giant, house crushing, a meteor- - Townspeople.
Got any more tall tales? Well, I suppose I could spin ya a few more yarns.
But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy.
All right.
But your next story better be worth it.
[Sighs] Get in there good.
Yeah, that's it.
Don't be shy.
- There you go.
- [Groans] Okay.
Ready for another impression? This is SouthsideJake tearing into Tin Can Tilly.
Oh, this'll be good! "Who put the beans in my bindle?" "I am so tired of you saying that I put beans in your bindle! It just makes me so"- "Do you ever shut up?" "Kiss me, you fool!" [Kissing Noises] Uh, could we hear another tall tale? In a sec.
[Kissing Noises Continue] All righty.
Here's a story just for you, little girl.
It's the tale ofJohnny- No.
Connie Appleseed.
Oh.
[Chuckles] [Hobo] Back around 1840 the great pie known as America was still cooling on the windowsill and everybody headed west for a slice.
Cleaning my gun with the safety off safety off, safety off - # Cleaning my gun with the-## - [Moos] Whoopsie.
[Chuckles] Dad, you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo.
A poor, delicious buffalo.
- He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train.
- [Buffalo Moos] - Why'd you kill another one? - Dessert.
- [Clinking Noise] - Ow! Hey, I found a bullet.
- [Buffalo Moos] - [Chuckling] - Man, buffalo are easy to kill.
- [Lisa] People if you don't stop this slaughter, you'll wipe out the buffalo.
Wipe out an entire species? Why, that's impossible.
[All Laughing] [Groaning] Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof but we can't find a renewable source of food? Think, Connie.
Think.
- [Man's Voice] Connie.
- Wha- Connie.
[Gasps] That tree! It seems to be calling to me.
Of course! Apples! No, Connie, over here! Help me! Mom, Dad, look what I found! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! - Mmm! - No, Dad, they're apples.
[Groans] Yuck! Well, that's it.
I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death.
Either switch to apples, or go on without me.
- Hmm! - [Whip Cracks] You'll be sorry! - [Buffalo Moos] - [Thud] Oh! [Hobo] So Connie roamed the prairie alone planting apples seeds all along the way.
She even changed her last name to Appleseed.
And her family changed theirs to Bufflekill.
[Snoring] [Yawning] I haven't had buffalo in six hours.
Marge how about whipping up some buffalo sausage huevos buffaleros, and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.
J? The buffalo are gone.
I think you shot them all.
[Birds Screeching] Oh! Connie was right! We wiped out the entire species! What have I done? What have I done? Calm down, Pa.
There's two left.
- [Gunfire] - [Both Moo] What have I done? What have I done? [Hobo] With the buffalo gone, the starving settlers were driven to cannibalism.
[Whimpering] You're the fattest, Bufflekill.
Okay, everybody, dig in! - [All Moaning] - [Screaming] Stop! I've got apples! Delicious, nutritious apples.
And there's enough for everyone.
Sweet! It's like a hootenanny in my mouth! - We're saved! - It's a miracle! - Hooray for Connie Bufflekill! - What? So now we're not eating Homer? And thanks to that little girl today you can find apples in everything that's good.
Apple wine, apple whiskey apple schnapps, apple martinis uh, Snapple with vodka in it apple nail polish remover- Don't forget applesauce.
Yeah.
I suppose you could grind some pills into it.
Aw.
- Look out there, folks.
That's the mighty Mississip.
- Big deal.
Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags rafting down the Big Muddy- Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
That's not a tall tale.
It's a book by Mark Twain.
Look, let's just do this thing.
Whitewashing sucks, Tom.
It powerful sucks.
- ## [Humming] - Morning, friend.
Want your turn at whitewashin'? It's powerful fun.
Why, you ain't fooling me again, Tom Sawyer.
- If I may.
- [Grunts] Now get to work! [Chuckles] I still got it.
[Humming] Now, Huckleberry Finn, you get down from there.
A body could break his neck.
I ain't afeard of that.
- I'd just get a new neck off n a cat.
- [Gasps] - Huck! - [Groaning] Oh, Huck, you gave your bones an awful rattling.
Yeah.
But I'm feeling better right now.
- [Homer] Aha! - Papa! Hold my daughter's hand, will ya? I was gonna let go by-and-by.
Well, I guess there's no harm done as long as it was gonna be by-and-by.
But just to play it safe- - We're gathered here today to force this man - [Groaning] Huckleberry Finn, into holy matrimony.
How romantic.
This reminds me of our shotgun wedding.
Grandpa, we've been married for years.
When are you gonna put down that gun? Well, I reckon you're right.
Hang it all! Do you, Huck, take Becky as your wife? - [Squealing] - Whoa! Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig! - No wonder he was pooping so much.
- [Nelson] Ha-ha! [Snorting, Laughing] Come on! Let's get those polecats! - [All Clamoring] - [Squeals] Oh! Now we'll never catch 'em! I reckon we're safe now.
There's the state line.
Uh-oh! Rapids! [Both Screaming] [Man On P.
A.
] Please do not exit the raft until it has come to a complete stop.
Mr.
Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates.
Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! [Sinister Chuckling] All for Silas.
All for Silas.
[Both Yawn, Sigh] I'm considerable hungry.
We got any food left? Hmm.
Looks like we're out of corn pone fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack.
" - Any "tackback"? - "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack.
" - Plumb out.
One jug of whiskey, three plugs of"tobacky" and some extra-strength opium.
- That will be two cents, boys.
- Two cents? Hey, if you think my prices are high, go across the street.
- Thank you.
Come again.
- [Groans] - He put the lard pone on top of the egg pone.
- Dang! Double dang! Aw, donkey butter! [Both Gasp] - [Both Panting] - Oh, it's no use.
- I got an idea.
- [Horn Blowing] Uh- Hmm.
Well, dog my cats.
They's dis-apporated.
Keep quiet, Huck.
They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention.
Old man river # That old man river# He just keeps rolling [Both Screaming] Well, I see President Fillmore is in the news again.
- Glug, glug, glug.
- [Laughter] What'll it be, boys? - Just three X's for me.
- Give me five.
This ain't no five-X whiskey.
I can still see.
That barkeep's a no-good cheat! [All] Cheat? Eh-All right.
We've all got derringers.
Now let's just put 'em away.
Nobody here is a cheat.
- [All] Cheat? - Aw, geez.
Man, those derringer bullets are weak.
Powerful weak.
Light out, and stay lit out! [Both Yelling] Aw, catfish.
Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer.
Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins.
## [Organ] And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure.
I liked that story, 'cause I was a judge.
Delaware! Well, this is our stop.
Would you like to come sightseeing with us? We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise.
No, thanks.
I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails swappin' stories for sponge baths.
- [All Laughing] - [Clears Throat] I believe I told three stories.
Oh! I'll meet you in Wilmington.
Close the door.
[Homer] Raise your arm.
Okay, the other one.
[Hobo] You know, I do, uh, 400 sit-ups a day.
[Homer] Oh, it shows.
I was gonna say something - but I thought it might sound, you know, weird.
- [Hobo] Oh, not at all.
I like when people say nice things about my body.
[Homer] And it's important to feel good about yourself.
Okay, spread your toes.
Oh! Okay, spread your toes.
Oh! You know how much glass is in here? - [Murmuring] - Shh! [Homer] Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! [Chomping Sound]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Beyond Blunderdome
The Simpsons s11e01 Episode Script
Beyond Blunderdome
[Chorus ] The Simpsons BEYOND BLUNDERDOME [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] ?? [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Scream ] [ Horns Honking ] [ Man Narrating] Is this the kind of air we want to leave for our children? [ All Coughing ] [ Gasping, Groans ] [ Narrator] Don't they deserve better? [ Chomping, Guzzling ] [ Narrator] Electricity- the fuel of the future.
[ Children Murmuring ] [ Narrator] Test-drive the Elec-Taurus today and get a free gift.
[ Gasps, Sniffs ] My children deserve to see me get a free gift, I'm proud of you, Dad, Buying an electric car,,, will help clean the air up and protect the Earth's supply- You're faking this to get the gift, aren't you?, But I liked the nice things you said about me, Thinking of saying good-bye to gas?, - You betcha, [ Belches ] - Bart! - [Farts ] - Well, that shut me up, Hello, I, uh, love your planet deeply,,, and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos, [ Stifled Laugh ] Well, it's always nice to meet people,,, concerned about the environment What ironment? Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier, Yeah, and it's got a lot of other problems too, Dad! You're headed for the harbor! [Homer] Relax.
We're in an electric car.
[ Screaming ] See?, Everything's fine, - [ Gasps ] Dolphins! - [ Crackling ] Oopsie, Hi, girls! - [ Crackling ] - [ Shrieking ] Aw, Salt water seems to be good for it, [ Bart Choking ] ??[Humming] Um, I'm sorry, The car did not meet my eco-concerns, - Can I have my prize now?, - Certainly, - [ Tires Squeal ] - What the- [ Male Electronic Voice ] Help, Help, It burns, Hey, we never opened that envelope to see what our gift is, We didn't?, That's odd, Seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place, - I know, but we didn't, - Well, here it is, - So we can open it and find out now, - Perfect, Aw! Movie tickets?, That hardly seems worth destroying a car, They're passes to a test screening of a new movie starring- [ Gasps ] Mel Gibson! - Who else is in it?, - Who cares?, Mel Gibson! Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge- no different than me or Lenny, - Were you or Lenny ever named "Sexiest Man Alive"?, - I'm not certain about Lenny, Besides, it's not just his chiseled good looks, People magazine says he's a devoted father,,, goes to church every week, and likes to fix things around the- - Homer, let's make love, - Uh, uh, okay, [ Both Grumbling] Uh, you're thinking about me, right?, Of course, Homie, Aren't you thinking about me?, I will now! Easy, Easy there, buster, But how did they know?, I had a mouse, Thank you, - [ Audience Murmuring ] - [ Clears Throat ] Good evening, I'm Edward Christian, Assistant V.
P, of Finance and Distribution,,, at Polystar Pictures, [ Cheering ] Man, I should've brought the camera, Also with me tonight are the dynamic duo, William Milo and Robin Hannah,,, who green-lighted all of Shaquille O'Neal's movies,,, - including KaZaam.
- [ Gasping, Murmuring ] - How's the popcorn, guys?, - [ Both ] Needs salt, - [ Laughing ] - [ All Laughing ] [ Continues Laughing ] Anyhoo, welcome to our test screening,,, of Mel Gibson's directorial follow-up to Braveheart a remake of the Jimmy Stewart classic Mr.
Smith Goes to Washington.
I knew I shouldn't have passed on that, Now, after the film, I'll be handing out these cards for your opinion, - We then take your cards to Hollywood, California! - [ All Gasping ] And change the movie based on your suggestions, Any, uh, questions?, Yes, over here, Thank you, [ Clears Throat ] Hi, Will there be any flubber in this movie?, [ Mutters ] Glavin, [ Laughs ] No, I'm afraid not, - Ah, for crying out glavin, - Is Mel Gibson here?, No, Sorry, but like all celebrities, he's in Hollywood,,, attending benefits for various diseases, [ Whistling, Cheering ] - [ Both Gasp ] - Did they like it?, - They haven't seen it yet, Mel, - How'd you get here from L,A, so fast?, John Travolta flew me in his jet, Now I have to help him move next weekend, He deliberately waited till we were in the air to ask me, You really didn't have to make this trip, Mel, The screening's gonna go fine, - Believe me.
- I don't know, I think this movie was a big mistake, All I do is talk for two hours, I don't shoot anybody, What was I thinking? You shouldn't worry about the movie William and I both make it fabulous! And I think we know a little something about the movie business, [ Chuckles ] Oh, Robin, you've got to see the director's cut of Booty Call.
It's fabulous! What, even better than the original?, 'Cause that was pretty fabulous too, And he fought for them once, For the only reason any man ever does- because of one plain, simple rule.
, Love thy neighbor, Boring, It's not boring, He's passionate about government, [ Scoffs ] At least the Jimmy Stewart version,,, -had that giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan, -Shh! - [ Chattering ] - Excellent, - Fabulous, - That man knows how to filibuster, - Well, that was a stinker, - I liked it, It was nice to see a movie where people solve their problems with words,,, instead of bullets and chasing, Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend was in it, I'll bet you would've hated it if me and Lenny were Mr.
, Smith, Will you stop acting so jealous?, Listen, I don't want to get spotted by the crowd,,, so I'm gonna take a leak behind the Dumpster, - [Alarm Ringing] - [ All Gasp ] Look! It's Mel Gibson! Hey, everybody, rush over there! - Hey, Mel! - [ Gasps ] Mel! [ Laughing ] Hi the- Hey! Hi! Mel- Mel- Hi, everybody, [ All Gasp ] Hi, Mr.
, Gibson, Thanks for coming, folks, And don't be afraid,,, to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards, Honesty is the foundation of the movie business, We'll be honest, [ Chuckles ] We could never lie to you, Mel, Um, will you be reading the cards yourself, Mel?, Well, I'll be reading yours personally, [ Growls ] - [ Gasping, Laughing ] - [ Murmuring ] [ Sputters ] That's it, I'm telling Mr.
, Stupidest Man Alive what I really thought of this movie, - Hey, Gibson! -Yes, sir?, - Got a pencil?, - There you go, Thanks, Waste my time in front of this stupid- Appreciate it, [ Muttering ] The movie tested through the roof, Mel, The sea captain gave it four "arr's," Bumblebee Man says "Muybueno.
" And we were worried about the Latino market, huh?, - Huh?, Huh?, Huh?, - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, - Worry, - Come on, They can't all have loved it, "Loved it," "Loved it," "Loved it," "Loved it despite absence of flubber, Glavin"?, Oh, here we go, "Your movie was more boring than church, All you did was yak, yak, yak, You didn't even shoot anybody," Damn! I knew it, Ah, don't do this to yourself, Mel, The guy's obviously a nut, Maybe, Maybe he's the only person with the guts to tell me the truth, Turn the plane around, I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace, But you promised to help me move, Ah, geez, [Airplane Passing Overhead] - [ Doorbell Rings ] - Door, Marge, [ Groans ] - [ Gasps ] - I'm looking for,,, Homer Simpson, And I've been looking for you too, pal, - Pound him, Dad! - Bart, don't! Quiet! Dad's gonna get his butt kicked by Mel Gibson, Knock his teeth out, Homer, Listen, Gibson, I'm tired of Hollywood pretty boys like you,,, and Jack Valenti thinking you can have any woman you want, You see this?, It symbolizes that she's my property, and I own her, - Mr.
, Simpson, I need your help, - Huh?, I think you're right about my movie, and I want you to help me make it better, Really?, You want my help?, Marge, did you hear that?, Mel Gibson wants my help! Mel Gibson! - But, Dad, I thought you hated- - Shut up, Homer doesn't know anything about making movies, - Don't sell your husband short, Mrs.
, Simpson, - She's always doing that, Mel, - Oh, - Homer is a brutally honest man,,, - completely tactless and insensitive, - Guilty as charged, The problem I have is people love me so much they never criticize me, I speed all the time, but cops never give me a ticket, If l don't pay my taxes, the I,R.
S, pays them for me, - Oh, you poor thing, - It's hell being Mel, - [Horn Honks ] - Come on! Geez! I don't have much time, Homer, Will you come to Hollywood with me?, [ Sniffles ] You had me at "hello," I didn't say "hello," [Marge ] Hollywood, here we come! - Hollywood, here we are! - [ Lisa ] Stop doing that, Mom.
A minivan! Oh, boy, you celebrities sure know how to live, - What is this, Toyota Previa?, - Dodge Caravan, [ Whistles ] Sweet, Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey Jr, is shooting it out with the police, - I don't see any cameras, - Okay, While Mel and I are working,,, why don't you guys do the town, I hear all the stars eat at a place called Planet Hollywood, - Can I stay with you, Dad?, - Sorry, Son, but we're going to be very busy, [ Whispering ] Mel's movie really stinks, Okay, This opening scene should be in fast motion, Everybody likes that 'cause it looks funny, [ High-pitched ] Mr.
, Smith is coming to Washington, He's really honest, - That could be bad news for us corrupt politicians, - Big deal, If he doesn't play ball, we'll teach him a thing or two, See ya, - [ Laughs ] - I don't think so, Okay, Here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats, - It'll let us see your playful side, - No, - Yeah, but- -Just no, For those of you who have always wanted to see the famous Brown Derby restaurant- - Ooh! - That's where it used to be, - [ Groans ] - And on your left,,, - is the notorious spot where Hugh Grant- - Ew! - filmed the movie Nine Months.
- Ew! You want me to replace the villain with a dog?, I mean, nobody will know what's going on, They will if you set up that the dog is evil, All you have to do is show him doing this- ?? [ Hums Dramatic Theme] And people will suspect the dog, Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer, I'm sorry I dragged you out here, Let me pay your bus fare home, Uh, uh, uh, Now here's your biggest problem of all, The filibuster scene?, That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite, And it was fine for the 1 930s, The country was doing great back then, Everyone was into talking, But now, in whatever year this is,,, the audience wants action, And seats with beverage holders, - But mainly action, - Really think the end is boring?, Oh, Mel, it's the most boring piece of garbage I've ever seen, And it's not easy for me to say that, Hmm, I guess it is a little flat, Okay, Let's reshoot the ending, I'll call the hair and makeup ladies, You see if the Teamsters will work for free, Piece of cake, Now where's that kid with my latte?, According to the map, this house is owned by the dog from Frasier.
- [ Dog Barks ] - And that's where Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche live, - [ Both ] We're lesbians! - [ Dog Howls ] - Okay, This new ending- - That we shot last night- is a little different than what we had, but I think you'll like it, It's missing some sound effects, and the computer guys haven't added the twinkle in my eye- Mel, you're coming off desperate, - Roll it, Louie! - [Projector Whirring] - Here comes two! - [ Beep ] Well, I'm not licked, And I'm gonna stay right here and fight for this lost cause, Somebody will listen to me, Somebody will- - [ Murmuring ] - I believe the senator has yielded the floor, [ Laughing ] Yield this, Senator Payne, [ Grunts ] [ Groans ] - [ Giggles ] - [ Both Grunting ] I move we impose some serious term limits, I second that motion, with a vengeance! - [ Clicks Tongue ] - [ Exclaims ] All in favor, say "Die," [ Warbling ] [ Screaming ] [ Shouting ] Mr.
, Smith, this is highly unorthodox, I'm the president of the United States,,, and I demand to know what's going on here, [ Screams ] Happy birthday, Mr.
, President, [ Cheering ] - Pretty cool, huh?, - You, uh- - You chopped off the president's head, - Bet you didn't see that coming, You impaled a United States senator with the American flag, Why did Mr.
, Smith kill everybody?, It was symbolism, He was mad! But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture,,, Like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice.
Ew! Those movies sucked, I only saw them to get Marge into the sack, P.
S, Mission accomplished, But we've already bought five Golden Globe awards, I don't make movies to win awards, Especially now that I have two Oscars, I make movies for guys like him, - Yeah, guys like me, - Who are you anyway?, Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you?, - Executive producer?, - We'll talk, You've desecrated a classic film, This is worse than Godfather lll.
Whoa, Whoa, Hey, whoa, Let's not say things we can't take back, All right, all right, I'm sorry, But this film is never going to see the light of day, [ Both Gasp ] - Look, They're towing away a Range Rover, - [ All Gasp ] - There's no- - Oink! - Come on, Homer, We got a movie to premiere, - Whoo-hoo! We've got to get that film back, or we'll all be fired, You know what I mean?, - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Fired, - Huh?, Huh?, Huh?, [ Tires Squeal ] - Give us the film! - Never! [ Woman On P.
A.
] And on you left you'll see Rainier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, Saving Irene Ryan.
- [ Gunfire ] - You put me down, you big lummox! -Jed! - Shut up, old lady, And stop kicking me there! - [ Shouting ] - Watch out! Coming through! - Homer! Land mine! - I'm on it! [ Both Screaming ] - Night, Mr.
, Gibson, - Night, Gus, [ Both Screaming ] [ Groans ] I'm getting too old for this crap, - How old are you anyway?, -Well, I've been told I can play anywhere from 28 to- Sorry I asked, - Aw, crap! Here they come! - Well, that's it, Homer, We should've known better than to match wits with studio executives, Hey, come on, Turn that Down Under frown upside down! We're not finished yet! Wow! These dummies look pretty good, Well, I've had a lot of surgery, old chum, Shh! Mr.
, Lamato said he'd fire us if you didn't stop bothering the customers, Homer, what are you doing here?, No time talk, Need steal car, Must save powerful but controversial movie, [ Gasps ] [ Sputtering ] Hello, Quick, Mel, get in, [ Sighs ] Forget it, Homer, Let's just give them the stupid movie, Movies aren't stupid! They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies, Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny, That really wasn't my intention, Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, But now I check every time, It's true, He does, Movies mean that much to you, Homer?, They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family, - No offense, - Ah, what the heck, Let's hit the road, Shove over, junior, That thoughtless destruction will surely bankrupt the museum, old chum, Shut up! Mom, you gotta take my picture in this car so I can show Milhouse, Oh, sorry, honey, I used up the last roll on that man I thought was Judge Judy, - Well, I think we lost them, [ Grunts ] - [ Crash ] Oh, wait, There they are, [ Grunts ] - Let me try something, Take the wheel, Lisa, - But my Dad- - I said you, - We've got him now, [ All Scream ] Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson! You all saw it, He came at me with a knife, right?, Wait a minute, He's just a dummy, I know, but he sells tickets, Let's go, - Oh, great idea, Mel, Now it's my turn, - [ Tires Screech ] - What are you doing?, - I'm tired of running away, Did Braveheart run away?, Did Payback run away?, It's time we showed those suits what we're made of, The heck is that?, The one on the left is Mel Gibson, I don't know who the other two guys are, Will you please tell me the rest of the plan?, It's your plan- from Braveheart.
Your army mooned the enemy,,, until they could take no more and surrendered, No, they didn't, They attacked us in a horribly bloody battle, Remember?, - Actually, I didn't see it, But on the poster- -Jump! [ Yelps, Screams ] - Homer, are you okay?, - I think so, - [ Metal Scrapes ] - No, - [Mr.
Smith ]All in favor, say "Die.
" - [ Gunfire ] Ooh, That digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter, I don't get it, Mel, How can you be so calm and cool?, My stomach's full of vomiting butterflies, - ??[Ends ] - Okay, that's it, [ Hums ] Let's get ready to meet our public, [ Grumbling, Shouting ] - Well, that was disgusting, - Worst ending ever, I think I'm gonna be sick, I'm Jimmy Stewart's granddaughter, and you'll be hearing from my attorney, - Ooh! - Ow! - Oh, we should have put in the dog with the shifty eyes, - [ Grunts ] in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us, How did the country lose its way, Mel?, When did we stop rooting for the man with the flamethrower,,, or an acid-spraying gun of some kind?, I blame the Internet, And the return of swing music, Well, whatever it is, we gotta get rolling on our next picture, Hey, what about a prequel to something?, Everybody loves prequels, - I don't, - [ Groans ] Okay, Mr.
, Difficult, How about a teen sex romp,,, where you and your buddies are always trying to get some?, No, wait! A ghost who wins the lottery, You could be the ghost or the lottery commissioner, Ooh! What about Indiana Jones? Does anyone own the rights to that? [ Grunts ] Hey, Mel! I fell out! ?? [ Dramatic Theme ] [ Dog Howls ] - Shh! - [ Warbling]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Brother's Little Helper
The Simpsons s11e02 Episode Script
Brother's Little Helper
[ Chorus ] The Simpsons BROTHER'S LITTLE HELPER [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Children Laughing ] Whee! Catch! Principal Skinner, what would you say is the most important firefighting tool? - Would you say it's prevention? - Oh, absolutely, Lisa.
- That and the sand bucket.
- What's that stuff? Why, this is retardant.
[ Laughing ] Sure is.
And what's that? That's called a hose lengthener.
[ Laughing ] You need one.
- [ Skinner Groans ] - What's this? Just read the label.
It's a king-sized flamer! - [ Laughing Hysterically ] - Bart, will you go bother someone else? Look! A fire engine.
- Stop that! - Help! Help! Fire helmets.
Can't you do something constructive? Sure, I can do something destructive.
[ Groaning ] Just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe in his back! I can make it look like suicide.
And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey- You're not gonna start any fires, are you? At my house, we call 'em ''uh-ohs.
'' Hi, fire doggie.
Can you do any tricks? Tricks? That's rich.
He's so inbred, he can barely stand up.
[ Whimpers ] Fire can be our servant whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
But it can turn not so nice, as you'll see in this skit by the Volunteer Fire Department Players.
- [ Scattered Applause] - [ Chuckles ] - What a great pot party! - Wasn't it, man? Now for a regular cigarette to make the night complete.
[ Coughs ] - Oh! Man, that's good.
- Mad Dog, I've been thinking.
Maybe we should get another smoke detector in case that one trips out on us.
[ Chuckling ] Why bother, baby? One smoke detector's enough for Mad Dog.
Now, let's hit the sack.
[ Exhales, Snores ] Whoa! Check it out! Mad Dog's on fire! Stop, drop and roll, man! [ Chuckling ] That's for Clydes, baby.
- A little fire can't hurt you.
- But Mad Dog was wrong.
The fire burned through the night and cost him the use of his pants.
Which just goes to show you- Huh? [ Gasps ] Sorry to break character - but these stunt pants are gettin' pretty toasty! - Roll, Neddie! Roll! [ Laughter] It's not workin'! It just spreads the flame! Get the fire hose.
Get the fire hose! What's it doing in the gymnasium? Yee-haw! Bart, have you lost your- [ Yells ] [ Both Yelling ] [ Yelling ] [ Groans, Sputters ] [ Laughing Hysterically ] - Bart Simpson! - You've really done it this time.
Yeah.
It all kind of came together.
[ Squeaking ] [ Grunting ] [ Sighs ] [ Grunts ] Thank you for coming.
Thank you for getting me out of work.
I'll be blunt.
Bart's latest escapade goes far beyond the realm of the high jink.
There.
Now the floor is as good as new.
[ Groans ] My sport goggles! Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true.
Yeah, he's something else, all right.
But worst of all, he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him.
-Just look at this pattern.
- [ Homer] Hey, that looks like Bart.
And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance.
Put it away! Put it away! Very well.
But there's no escaping the truth.
Bart has a classic case of attention deficit disorder.
You mean like John Leguizamo? How should I know? The point is A.
D.
D.
makes children restless and easily distracted.
- Hi, Marge.
It's me- Homer.
- [ Clears Throat ] - What? Time to go? - Please, Mr.
Simpson.
- I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son- - [ Gasps ] unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous- - Candy bar? - No! It's a new drug called Focusyn.
A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious - but he's not some hyperactive monster.
- [ Bart ] Gimme an ''F''! - [ Gasps ] Good Lord! - Gimme an ''art''! - He's gotten into the pep closet.
- What's that spell? I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.
[ Chuckles ] I don't wanna pump my little boy full of drugs.
- Yeah, yeah, we get a lot of that.
- But then they see our results.
These are normal guinea pigs running around like idiots.
- [ All Squealing ] - Now I'll give them some Focusyn.
[ Gasps ] That's amazing and darling.
- Check this out.
- [ Soft Squealing ] - They become your slaves.
- Yes.
But it's not about slavery.
It's about helping kids concentrate.
This pill reduces class clownism 44%.
.
With 60%.
less sass mouth.
- The only thing more effective is regular exercise.
- [ Shudders ] - ?? [ Video Game] - [ Grunting ] - Shred it! Shred it! - [ Indistinct Shouting ] Extra gloves.
Extra gloves.
Mushroom bonus.
Reload.
[ Groans ] How will we get Bart to take these? It's all about trust, honey.
Ow! Knock it off!.
Homer, we agreed we'd discuss the medication with Bart.
- Medication? - Some special helpers that'll make you a good boy.
- I don't wanna take drugs.
- Sure you do.
All your favorite stars have used drugs.
Brett Butler, Tim Allen- - Tommy Lee.
- Andy Dick.
- He's just flamboyant.
- Yeah, and I'm a size four.
Dad, I admit I have some problems but drugs aren't the answer.
- Why, you little- - [ Screaming ] Son, let's forget all about that drug thing.
Why don't you just come down and have some taffy? - Nice try, Homer.
-Just take one bite.
If you're not 100%.
different- Ow! Geez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some.
Now- Hmm? [ Gibberish ] Does Mr.
Simpson have a demon, Daddy? - Looks like it.
Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs.
- [ Together] Yea! [ Gibberish Continues ] Honey, if you don't wanna take the medicine, we won't force you.
Really? Yes, I just thought you might love me enough to let me help you.
Oh, Mom! All right.
I'll do it for you.
- [ Gulps ] - Way to guilt him, Marge.
It's what I do.
[ Gibberish ] Good morning, honey.
Mmm! How's my special little guy? - I'm having some side effects from the dope.
- It's not dope! It's something to help you concentrate.
All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear.
Bart, get those oranges out of there.
- [ Laughing ] - Back in the lunches you go.
Ew, Mom! - Oh, grow up.
- Yeah.
I have to take these stupid pills twice a day.
I'll trade you a Claritin for one.
- Claritin-D? - Nah.
- Can't help you.
- I take hormones to lower my voice.
Now all I wanna do is fight.
What are you lookin' at? You think you got it bad? I gotta wear a shock collar.
- Ooh! - That's rough.
- [ Screams ] - What was that for? I thought about a girl I like.
All right, class, who would like to read ''The Daffodils'' by Wordsworth? - I'll do it.
- No, thank you, Mr.
Wisenheimer.
Sherri? ''I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills''- Hey, look at those dogs going at it! - I wanna see 'em! I wanna see 'em! - [ Voices Overlapping ] Fightin' over a fan belt.
Dogs are outstanding.
All right, people, we've all seen the dogs now, so- [ Gasps ] - What? - You're still in your seat.
Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before.
[ Thinking ] That doesn't sound like me.
Could it be the drug kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right.
Come on, people.
This poetry isn't gonna appreciate itself.
[ Applause On TV] What a lovely day in the park.
A perfect place to meet a lady.
Ooh, la, la! It's Sideshow Melanie! - [ Laughter] - Hey, what's goin' on? - [ Laughter] - Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! [ Grunting ] Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.
p.
m.
then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked.
- You choked? You choked? Bart! Bart! Krusty just fired his associate producer.
- I'm reading.
- No way.
''The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens''? Is this all because of the- [ Gulps, Groans ] Joke if you will, but did you know most people use 10%.
of their brains? I am now one of them.
Before, my energy was all over the place.
Now, it's concentrated like a laser beam.
Well, this has been terrific.
Let's do it again sometime.
- Are you standing up to get me to leave? - It's from the book.
Hey, I'm not a time burglar.
''Memo to self: Lock door.
'' All right, I'll go.
You don't have to be a jerk about it.
- ''Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
'' - [ Shouts ] Hmm.
''Thank you in advance for a world-class meal.
You're an inspiration to our entire organization.
Thank you again.
Bart.
'' Oh, what a lovely gesture.
Cost of paper: five cents.
A mother's love: priceless.
- Aw.
- Do I get a card? No, but here's a book called Chicken Soup for the Loser that gave Bill Buckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.
Hmm.
My career has kind of lost momentum.
I think it's the bright blue pants.
I mean, you're not on a golf course.
Well, I have been thinking about making them into cutoffs.
I tell you, the kid's a wonder.
He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action.
- That's gonna save all kinds of travel time.
- You know it.
Plus, he gave me this appointment dealy.
It's got my whole week in there.
- [ Lenny Whistles ] - [ Carl ] Sweet.
This thing'll do anything.
Watch.
I'll ask it how many leagues in a furlong.
No, wait.
I'll make it say, ''What's a-matter, you?'' in Turkish.
- [ Computerized Voice Speaking Foreign Language ] - And look at this! - A cheese grater! - Man, technology's amazing.
A guy could do great things with a gadget like that.
Well, if you want one, they sell 'em at- Yeah, a guy could do great things.
[ Slurping ] The boy's still studying? Can you believe it? And he's even tutoring a little Navajo boy.
And why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he took his eyes off the prize? That's right.
You stay on the ball, you stay on the wall.
He's gone from goofus to gallant.
And we owe it all to mind-bending pills.
Bart's so well-behaved now.
Maybe you and I can have a night out.
Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My 10-year ban ended yesterday.
I was thinking of something a little more adult.
- [ Whispering ] - Oh, Marge! And then afterwards- [ Whispering Continues ] [ Giggles ] Really? With butterscotch on it? I think you misheard me.
You've got more talent than any dancer I've ever seen, and you're throwing it all away! Screw you! Screw everybody! All right, girls, tops off.
It's showtime! [ Moans ] Marge, this is the greatest gift any wife has ever given her husband.
I thought you'd like it.
And I'm enjoying the friendship - between showgirl and that seamstress.
- Pipe down! - Yes.
Hush up.
- You hush up! - Quiet, everybody! Shut up, or I'll pound all of ya! [ Yells ] That was fun! We have to get out more often.
I heard about a new bar where men dance with men.
Doesn't that sound adorable? Well, sure, if it's true.
[ Gasps ] Is that Lisa? I'm so glad you're here.
Bart's really acting funny.
- RayJ.
funny, or O.
J.
funny? - You'll see.
- [ Bart Muttering Incoherently ] Gotta get it done.
- Bart? Honey? Gotta finish.
[ Grunting ] - Close the door.
- [ Door Closes ] You're probably wondering about the coat hangers.
They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me.
Okay.
It can read your electronic organizer from space.
- Even mine? - [ Grunting ] Hey, I had Lenny's name on that! They have it now.
And who are they, exactly? Who else? Major League Baseball.
Marge, I think Bart's gone crazy.
- Oh, Bart, what's happened to you? - Nothing yet.
But the time draws near.
Now, let's get those fillings out of you! - [ Screaming ] - Hey, you found my needle-nose pliers.
I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill? - Oh, that was his idea.
He said he felt fat.
- Oh.
You said he was concerned about satellites? - And their beams.
- Any other strange behavior? He quit blinking.
He says that's when they get you.
I had a feeling this might happen.
This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems.
After we trusted you! [ Grunting ] - I think we should take him off the drug.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go ''off' Focusyn.
But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.
- Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone? - That's a great idea! [ Grunts ] No! You can't take my Focusyn.
I need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies.
I know you love Focusyn, son, but in time you'll get just as attached to these three amigos.
No! [ Gasps ] Uh-oh! Somebody's gonna have a tummy ache.
Stop him! He's whacked out of his gourd! Don't worry.
We have a procedure for these situations.
- Ahh! - Hey, there was just air in mine.
[ Groaning ] And I'm really worried, Chief.
There's no telling what he might do.
Okay, so you say your son is towheaded, button nose mischievous smile, and maybe armed with a slingshot? Got it.
We'll find him, ma'am.
[ Snickers ] Looks like the kid who roughed up the Wilson widow.
Oh, my little guy's out there in the hot sun without his sombrero.
We should've paid more attention to these side effects.
It's all here- erratic behaviour, paranoia, diarrhea- I don't think he has diarrhea.
But how do we know, Marge? How do we know? I can't believe that Sarge said we're the worst bunch he's ever seen - See, I have to believe he's seen worse bunches than us.
- But he said- I know what he said.
He was just trying to motivate us.
- Well, it ruined the whole hike.
- [ Sinister Chuckle ] [ Demented Laughter] -Do you think Alex would mind if I asked Janet out? -They're married, idiot! Why'd you have to yell? You ruined the whole shower.
So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it.
And here's why.
- Homer, you're supposed to be hunting for Bart.
- I'm on top of it.
[ Groans ] My sweet baby.
He must feel so helpless and scared.
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow Don't stop, it'll soon be here - [ Screaming ] [ All Screaming ] Smithers, we're at war! - I'll begin profiteering, sir.
- And hoarding.
Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.
Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra or possibly Ghost Rider.
- What about Superman? - Oh, please.
What the- Hmm? Come on! Get out! Noodles, Seesaw, Oopsie Lobsweat, Hoohah,Jitters, Sir Wide Bottom! Oh.
I'm stuck.
- Easy, boys.
My bum.
- [ All Straining ] I'm sure I'm alive, but why? [ Screaming ] [ Cheering ] You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson, and I thank you.
- Wow.
Praise from Caesar.
- Huh? [ Siren Wailing ] - Shoot the tires out, Lou.
- Uh, it's a tank, Chief.
You know what? I'm gettin' real tired of your excuses.
[ Chattering ] What a day! First, the drinking fountain squirts me, and now this.
My God, is she brave standing up to that freaked-out junkie.
Dad, that junkie is your son.
Why don't you just tell everybody? Hey, Mom.
Thanks for coming out.
Oh, thank you for stopping the tank.
- It ran out of gas.
- Oh.
- So, Bart- - Question.
How about getting out of the tank, huh? Maybe stopping your rampage, huh? We could go to Krusty Burger.
- Okay, sure.
- Whew! - Right after I blow up one thing.
- [ Groans ] [ Gasps ] Good Lord! He's going to fire! All right! Scud the school, dude! No, stop.
Think of the children.
[ All Gasping ] Not the church! Jesus lives there! The frame store? You monster! Not the sky! That's where clouds are born! [ All Gasping ] [ Siren Wailing ] A satellite? What do we do? What do we do? ''Discotheques, frat houses, Malibu''- Nothing about satellite fires.
Let's just spray it with water already.
That's the end of your loony tune, Drugs Bunny.
You're under arrest for astro-vandalism.
And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel! ''Major League Baseball''? I told you they were monitoring my activities.
He's right! This thing's got info on everybody.
Addresses, credit ratings, what size baseball hat they wear.
[ Computerized Voice ] Surveillance beam disabled.
Market research shutting down.
Doesn't that beat all? - Hi, folks.
I'm Mark McGwire.
- [ All Gasping ] Big Mac himself.
Who'd have thunk it? Young Bart here was right.
We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.
- But why, Mr.
McGwire? - Do you wanna know the terrifying truth or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers? [ All ] Dingers! Dingers! [ All ] Ooh! Yoink! It's good to have the old Bart back.
Plus, you exposed the disturbing unreadiness of today's army.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry we sent you on that psychotropic hayride.
At least I got to see some cool colors.
And Mark McGwire gave you an autographed bat.
Why is the zero made out of glass? Who cares? That man can really slug.
Well, I'm not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs.
From now on, it's nothing but fresh air lots of hugs and good old-fashioned Ritalin.
You said a mouthful.
When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man - [ Toots Twice ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Man ] Oh, why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner
The Simpsons s11e03 Episode Script
Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner
[ Chorus ] The Simpsons GUESS WHO'S COMING TO CRITICIZE DINNER [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Groans, Gasps ] [ Clears Throat ] I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Springfield Shopper newspaper.
Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word ''evolution'' from our school.
Next stop, Margaritaville! Uh- - Oh, they're still here.
- Yes.
Now I'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost.
Come of think of it, I haven't seen Uter since the last field trip.
[ Chuckling ] Uter? I don't remember any Uter.
[ Chuckling ] Silly name.
Uter.
Dad, it's great that you volunteered to drive.
But how did you get out of work? Don't worry, sweetie.
Daddy's got it covered.
[ Homer] ? I work hard for the money ? So hard for the money Oh, I something-something money Come on give me lots of honey Now, there's an employee, Smithers.
A smile on his lips and a song in his heart.
Promote him.
?? [ Continues, Warbled ] Turn tape over! Hey, I know how we can have some fun.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with ''D.
'' - Dingus! - [ Groans ] God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
I'm no hero.
I just like to hit people in the head.
- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honks ] Hey, you [ Beep ]! You cut me off!.
Oh, yeah! [ Beep ] you! Dad! That's an ambulance! - Oh, right.
- [ Horn Honks ] [ Beep ] ambulance! Think you're so big with your [ Beep Beep ] siren and your letters on backwards! Here we are, kids.
The zoo.
Well, that's great, Dad.
Except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper.
- [ Homer, Echoing ] D'oh! - [ Trumpeting ] [ Bellows ] Welcome to the Springfield Shopper established in 1883.
The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
If he's so smart, how come he's dead? Over the years, the Shopper merged with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald,Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly to become Springfield's number-one newspaper.
Wow, a bustling metropolitan newsroom funneling scoops from all over the globe.
Hi! Are you interested in a subscription to the Shopper? Low introductory rates! No, you gotta help ol' Gil.
What's it gonna take to keep you on the phone? Dance for ya? But you wouldn't even see it.
You- [ Chuckling ] All right.
I'm dancin'! ?? [ Humming ] And this is our comic strip department.
Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on.
This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of daily sleep.
My advice is to free us or let us die! Check it out, Dad.
You can print out the headline from the day you were born.
Ooh! Pointless nostalgia! I'd sure hate to be him.
[ Laughs, Groans ] And to protect Mother Earth each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
What percent is that? Zero! Zero's a percent.
Hey, I smell cake.
Cake that says- [ Sniffs ] ''Farewell'' and- [ Sniffs, Gasps ] ''Best Wishes!'' Your old man has an awesome nose.
Oh, that's nothing.
He can hear pudding.
So, Mimi, this little shindig is our way of saying farewell to our favorite food critic.
What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne pizza that's hardly numero uno and ice cream cake which reminds us why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right? I wouldn't want to be married to her.
I mean, again.
[ Gulping, Grunting ] Who are you, and why are you ruining my retirement party? I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour.
At least you like the food.
Oh, I like food, all right.
I like pizza, I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer - I get the picture.
- ? I'll eat eggplant ? I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la - ? Who's that baby deer on the lawn there ?? - Enough already! - Sorry.
- Hey, listen.
I just had a thought.
We're looking for a new food critic someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
No, it usually takes a few hours.
Uh- Look I'd like to give you a tryout.
Write a 500-word sample review.
If it passes muster, we'll put you on staff.
Thanks for the chance.
You won't never regret this, Mr.
Editing Guy.
You know, Homie, the ''E'' doesn't work on that typewriter.
We don't need no stinkin' ''E.
'' ''Restaurant Review.
'' No.
''Eatery Evaluation?'' No.
[ Gasps ] ''Food Box- Go or No Go, by Homer-'' No.
Earl- No! Bill Simpson! [ Laughing ] Well? What do you think? This is a joke, right? I mean, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read.
What's wrong with it? Well, you keep using words like ''pasghetti'' and ''momatoes.
'' You make numerous threatening references to the U.
N.
And at the end you repeat the words ''Screw Flanders'' over and over again.
Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words.
Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry- No, no! You're right! It's a joke! [ Chuckles ] Everyone laugh at the funny joke! Ha-ha! I'll be right back with the real review.
-[ Door Slams ] -[ Homer Whimpering ] Still not clean.
Stink of failure still on me.
[ Knocking ] [ Lisa ] Dad, I'm sorry the editor didn't like your review.
I'll help you write a new review if you'll just let me use the bathroom! Still not clean.
Still not clean! Okay, what restaurant did we review? Well, we went to PÃ¢tÃ© LaBelle last week.
How about that? Great.
Now, let me think.
The food was- Mmm- not undelicious.
- The food is delicious.
- [ Gasps ] That's brilliant.
Then I had the sweet, sweet chocolate mousse.
Really, the only word for it is- [ Groaning ] Hmm.
What's the English equivalent for [ Groaning ]? I'd say ''transcendent.
'' How about ''groin-grabbingly transcendent''? - Uh, I don't think so.
- We make a good team.
A groin-grabbingly good team.
- Hmph.
- How about ''Screw Flanders''? - Bon appÃ©tit.
- Ehh, both's good.
Not bad! Not bad at all! We're gonna run this on page one of section H-2.
Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses! - [ Gasps ] - [ Alarms Blaring ] Okay, start the presses! That takes four hours.
Whatever.
I'll be at Moe's.
This is so exciting, Homie.
Your first restaurant review.
Marge.
Shh.
It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic.
Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic.
Homer's a critic.
Pass it on.
- Did you hear? Homer's a critic.
- Quit changing the subject! - Where is Uter? - We just want closure.
Arr! Here you are.
One critic's special.
If anything appears to be movin' that's just freshness.
Can you believe it, Marge? This job is the greatest.
They're paying me to eat! If you could just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt, we'll be on easy street.
- Why, you little- - [ Groaning ] - Why, you little- - [ Groaning ] Wah! My first publised article Although someone else's name is on it.
Heh-heh.
Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing.
But this is only the beginning.
Welcome to Planet Springfield the restaurant owned by me, Chuck Norris Johnny Carson's third wife and the Russian mafia.
Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws.
[ Gasps ] There's the coffee mug from HeartbeepsI And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute.
There was no cane in Citizen Kane.
And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy.
Lemme see.
Stupid script! Nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career! You- [ Grunting ] I'm gonna-What? The food is exquisite.
And the view is beautiful inspirational nauseating- [ Groans ] Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place.
And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good! Look, Marge.
I'm making a difference in people's lives.
Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious.
- I've never felt jollier.
- [ Cracking ] Ooh.
There go my shin bones again.
- Hey, Homer, come here.
- [ Gasps ] Are you gonna fire me for swiping office supplies? - No.
- Whew! [ Clacking ] Some of your fellow critics wanted to meet you.
This is Garth Tralawney, TV critic.
Why, you- You made them cancel Platypus ManI Homer! This is our theater critic, Daphne Beaumont.
And The Cosby MysteriesI That show had limitless possibilities! - Homer, please! - Sorry.
Jamie Killday, farm supply critic.
Just got back from the gopher poison show in Paris.
Let me tell you something- the days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are overI For you, perhaps.
Listen, we've been meaning to have a talk with you about your reviews.
Everything's a rave.
''Nine thumbs up''? What the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews.
The only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch.
It lost some points 'cause it had a Hot Wheel on it.
Good lord, you're a critic! You don't have to like everything, e.
g.
, my latest review.
[ Clears Throat ] We see ''John Deere has come out with this year's line of rototillers.
''Surprise, surprise- they're green! I say it's time to send John Deere a 'Dear John.
''' [ Laughing ] Oh, that's classic! - You don't have to patronize me.
- Aaa- Okay.
Lord, thy daughters Goneril, Regan and Cordelia.
What is this, merry old England or Petticoat Junction? - [ Laughing ] - [ Audience Booing, Hissing, Heckling ] [ Groaning ] - Lighten up.
It's a comedy.
- [ Whispers ] No, it's not.
It's not? [ Groans ] Hmm.
This pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy.
Dad! That's so mean! The other critics told me to be mean.
You should always give in to peer pressure.
- But what if someone bad tells me to- - Always! Huh? Huh? Whoa! This material stinks! I'm gonna have to punch it up on the fly.
Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini! - [ Chuckles, Groans ] Here's another one.
- [ Audience Booing ] ''Knock knock.
'' ''Who's there?'' ''Juliet.
'' ''Juliet who?'' Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore! - [ Laughing ] - [ Booing Continues ] Whoa, tough crowd.
They're booing Shakespeare! Mmm.
Uh, not bad if lasagna is Italian for ''pile of puke''! Aah! I chopp-a you good! [ Shouts In Italian ] Well, I hope you cut me better than you did these string beans.
Hmm.
I seem to be missing a piece of my ear.
TouchÃ©.
Who wants pork chops? Mmm.
Sorry, Marge.
I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever- seven thumbs up.
You always liked my pork chops.
Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves- shake and bake.
You like Shake 'n Bake! You used to put it in your coffee! People change, Marge.
My palate has grown more sophisticated.
Oh, yeah? What's a palate? Oh, it's a special time in a boy's life when- Gotta go! So come to The Legless Frog if you want to get sick and die and leave a big, garlicky corpse! P.
S.
Parking was ample.
Dad, you're being cruel for no reason.
What will people think? People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.
Not anymore.
I don't wanna be partners with a man who thinks like that.
Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! We'll be right back.
I don't need Lisa to write a good review.
The food at the Gilded Truffle really, uh-What's a good word? - [ Sucking ] - Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really- Come on! Help me out here! - Ruff!.
- Rough? I don't know.
You've been pitchin' that all night.
- Chewy? - Chewy! That's inspired! Homer, what gives with this review? You say ''the salad tastes like bark'' and the potatoes were very ''Grrrrr!'' - This reads like it was written by a dog.
- Are you crazy? A dog can't type.
[ Mutters ] Unfortunately.
Listen, you gotta shape up! Next week is the Taste of Springfield Festival.
You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town.
Remember, people have certain expectations about the ''Life Ways'' section.
- Really? Like what? - Oh, I don't know.
Astrology, Broom-Hilda, vacation horror stories articles about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome- you know, chick crap.
[ Angry Muttering ] Homer, he's outta control-a.
He gave me a bad-a review! So my friend put a horse head on his bed.
He ate-a the head and gave it a bad review! True story.
Arr, well, I've had it with Homer! His bad reviews are sinkin' our businesses.
Then why did you put yours in the window? Arr, it covered up the ''D'' from the health inspector.
Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
No.
That would be impolite.
- I say we kill him! - Now, hold on a minute.
Are we restauranteurs, or are we murderers? Does that answer your question? We'll kill him at the Taste of Springfield Festival.
We'll give Homer all he can eat, till he can eat no more.
Then he'll get his just dessert.
This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.
Come on! You're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.
This Ã©clair has over one million calories.
Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch.
- [ All Moaning ] - Covered with chocolate so dark light cannot escape its surface.
- [ Clamoring ] - No, no, no! This is just a picture.
But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.
Ah, yes! Death by chocolate.
[ Laughs ] Oh.
And poison.
I'll stick in some poison.
[ All Laughing ] Homie, my woman's intuition's acting up.
Something bad's going to happen if you go in there.
Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere.
[ Whistling ] D'oh! Ohh! [ Grunting ] A bat.
Now, that's a new one.
What are you up to, young lady? I'm reviewing the festival for our school paper.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad to see my ex-partner is doing so well without me.
[ Groans ] Pedestrian.
Uninspired.
I didn't say stop.
Lard ho! Arr, 'tis a good sign.
Homer's unfastened the top button on his pants.
Uh, no, he's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweat pants.
He says the crotch wears out too fast.
Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares! Well, don't worry.
The giant Ã©clair will knock Homer off the food page and into the obituaries.
[ Both Laughing ] Wait a minute.
They're gonna kill Dad! Ooh! Oh, that's a spicy meat-a-ball! If we don't find Dad, this crazy French guy is gonna kill him! [ Sighs ] Only your father could take a part-time job at a small-town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
We can find him faster by splitting up.
You take fried foods, you take salty snacks, I'll take desserts.
Break! Ohh! So full.
Belly button moving from innie to outie! [ Chomping, Smacking ] Ooh, that looks scrumdiddly-doodly-duddley- - Get lost! - A rude Frenchman? Well, I never! [ Gasps ] Ooh! Sweet! - [ Smacking Lips ] - [ Panting ] Ooh! [ Chuckles ] Dad, no! It's gonna kill you! Ehh, I've had a good run.
[ Grunting ] Don't, uh- Um, it's low-fat! No! Whew! That was close.
Thank God it landed in that smoking crater! ?? [ Humming ''La Marseillaise'' ] - Huh? - Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Attempted murder one.
Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas.
- Ha! Lou and his frittatas! [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ] - Frittatas! - Oh, he likes eggs.
Oh, Lisa, you saved me! And after all the bad things I said about you.
What bad things? Why? Lisa, The important thng is I did'nt get my comeuppance, and I never will - Uh, Dad? - I know, honey.
The important thing is- Run! - [ All Shouting ] - [ Elephants Trumpeting ] - [ Homer Groaning, Whimpering ] - [ Blows Landing ] [ Homer] I'm finally getting my comeuppanceI - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Treehouse of Horror X
The Simpsons s11e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror X
[Drum roll] [ Man Announcing] Live from fabulous Centauri City.
it's The Simpsons Now, please welcome your hosts- if you haven't been probed by these two you haven't been probed- - Kang and Kodos! - [ Cheering ] - Thank you.
Thank you.
- Yes.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our Oh.
We've got a great- Kang, what are you doing?.
You said we were going to warm up the audience.
[Speakers: Laughter] [ Shudders ] Ladies and gentlemen, I have to apologize for my partner.
He had to borrow a human brain.
[ Speakers: Laughter] What do aliens have to do with Halloween?.
[ Deep Male Voice ] Silence!.
I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal.
Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp I'm having a hard time seeing.
Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in ? Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in - I better pull over and play it safe.
- [ Thuds ] [ Grunts ] [ Gasps ] Please be a dog.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no!.
Ned Flanders! He's dead! - [ Eye Squishing] - He's definitely dead! - [ Squishing] - Oh, my God.
We killed Ned Flanders.
You mean you killed Ned Flanders.
Oh! It was an accident! An accident! We've gotta go to the police.
They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident.
- Even I have my doubts.
- Don't worry.
I got a plan.
Okay, Ned.
First thing we have to do is to make sure that no one knows that you're dead.
And if anyone asks you, just say that you are not dead.
Hey.
, Maude! Look who's helping me clean the chimney.
.
- Hey.
Not now.
- [ Squawks ] Neddie?.
Where have you been?.
[ Imitating Ned ] Hi, Maude.
Diddly.
I've been having fun with my pal Homer.
Diddly.
Oh, I'm so relieved.
Whenever you go on one of your late-night fog walks, I get so worried.
Relax! I'm fine.
But when I do die, I don't want any autopsies.
Well, come on down, you goofy roofy.
- Wow.
It sure is slippery up here.
- [ Bell Dings ] My pies are done.
Oh, she missed it.
[ Imitating Ned ] Hey, Maude.
I'm home.
Uh-oh! I think I'm having a heart attack! [ Maude Screams ] And that's the end of that chapter.
[ Bell Ringing] [ Organ ] [ Sobbing ] [ Whispers ] Try not to look too sad.
It'll seem suspicious.
And now Ned's best friend will say a few words.
- Homer.
- [ Clears Throat ] When I think about Ned, I can't help but remember the look on his face when Marge drove over- - Homer! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! - Oh.
Wait.
What I'd like to say is we're still looking for the real killers.
Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife.
[Marge ] Stop winking! We'll miss you, buddy.
Hey.
We just got away with murder.
And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.
- [ Tires Screech ] - [ Marge ] No more murders! - But you got to kill- - No! [ All Gasp ] [ Marge ] Someone saw us! [ All ] But who?.
Homer, stop that.
[ Thunder Rumbling] - [ Phone Ringing ] - Who could be calling at this hour?.
[ Whimpering ] - Yellow? - [ Male Voice ] I know you're alone.
[ Whimpering ] Who is this?.
Is this Maude Flanders?.
No.
It's Homer.
Oh! Hey, Homer.
It's Moe.
I must have dialed the wrong number.
- [Thunderclap ] - [ All Screaming ] [All Whimpering] - Get in the car.
- [ Thunderclap ] [ All Screaming ] Dear God, it's Homer.
If you really love me, you'll save my life now.
D'oh! - He's getting closer! - [ All Gasping ] [ Thunderclap ] Okay, Marge.
You hide in the abandoned amusement park.
Lisa, the pet cemetery.
Bart, spooky roller disco.
[ Disco ] And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.
Now, Flanders, I want you to- - [ All Screaming ] - [ Thunderclaps ] It's impossible! I killed you! [ Chuckles ] You can't kill the undead, silly.
- He's undead, all right.
- Are you a zombie?.
Oh, I wish! You see, that night when you hit me with your car- I'm making record time on this fog walk.
- [ Wolf Howling] - Better pick up the pace.
- [ Growls ] - [ Screaming ] [ Roars ] Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in - [ Marge ] I better pull over and play it safe.
- [ Whimpers ] So you were going to kill us.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
[ All Laughing ] - [ Roars ] - Hey, foamy.
I want the news, not the weather.
[ Chuckles ] Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders?.
[ Snarls ] Diddly! [ Gasping ] - [ Whimpering ] - [ Snarling ] [ Gasps ] - [ Homer Screams ] Flanders! Stop that! - [ Fabric Tearing] [ Homer] Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie? - [ Laughs ] - [ Flanders Snarling ] [ Homer Screaming ] [ Chattering ] Well, well, well.
If it isn't the cutest police officer in Springfield.
Hey, you know, we got feelings too, Chief.
Just dump your candy on the X-ray belt, Ralphie.
There's a good boy.
Safe.
Safe.
Razorblade.
Syringe.
- Oh! White chocolate! - Check it out, Lisa.
I'm Radioactive Man.
I don't think the real Radioactive Man wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it.
He would on Halloween.
[ Grunting ] Get in there, you stupid pillowcase! Stop it! You'll jam the machine! Uh-oh! Radiation.
Duck and cover! - [ Screaming ] - Cool.
Bart! [ Groans ] - [ Children Screaming] - Oh, my God! Lisa! She's been crushed.
And so have the hopes of our Mathletics team.
Hold the funeral, poindexter.
[ Gasps ] Poindexter?.
[ Grunts ] Whoa, Lise! Those X-rays must have given you super strength! I wonder if I got any powers.
Nope.
Looks normal.
Wait a minute.
I can stretch! Look at me! Ow! Hot, hot, hot.
I must only use this power to annoy.
- [ Knocking] - Now, who could that be at this hour?.
Yes.
Yes.
Up.
Down.
Side to side.
What's your point?.
- Ow! - [ Laughs ] Gotcha.
Bart, with these powers, we can become superheroes.
Okay.
So do it already.
[ Chorus ] # Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl # He's a human rubber band and she's a hulk in curls [ Women ] # He's a limber lad# [ Men ] # She's a powerful lass # [ Chorus ] # He'll wring your neck and she'll kick your ass # They're Stretch Dude And Clobber Girl Stretch Dude Clobber Girl [ Man Announcing ] Tonight's episode: "Enter the Collector;' But I ' m sure that once girls get to know the real you you'll I get plenty of dates.
Next question.
Yes.
Over here.
[ Stammering ] I n Episode BF1 2, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa.
Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian.
- Please to explain it.
- Ah.
Yeah.
Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
I see.
All right.
Yes.
But in Episode AG4- - Wizard.
- Ah, for glavin out loud.
[ Glass Shatters ] [ Glass Shatters ] Behold! I am the Collector! And I'm here to add you to my collection! [ Grunting ] Must remove my breastplate.
Maybe later.
Care for a Rolo, sweet Xena?.
All right, Collector.
Stick this in your tweezers.
I'm not Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic! Oh, please.
I'm not insane.
I simply wish to take you back to my lair and make you my bride.
Oh, dear God! Clobber Girl.
[ Grunts ] Thank you.
Help! It's Xena.
She's been kidnapped! Come on.
Remember.
You're vulnerable to Kryptonite! Geez, Marge! Tell the neighborhood.
Fear not, my syndicated sweetie.
You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch forever remaining in near-mint condition between Doctor Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth.
- [ Lisa ] I don't think so.
- [ Gasps ] I don't think so either.
[ Taunting Vocalizations ] You're collecting days are over, Collector! Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built.
It was fired only once.
.
to keep William Shatner from making another album.
- [ Cocks ] - Stretch Dude! - Help! -Just a sec.
[ Groans ] Hey, phaser, phaser, phaser.
[ Grunting ] - [ Groans ] - Nah, nah! Good night, "Retch" Dude and "Slobber" Girl.
Sweet screams.
[ Laughs ] I'm unbelievably.
amused.
Soon those bratty buttinskies will be encased in Lucite for all eternity.
While we're waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night.
[ Clears Throat ] Obi-Wan.
Iron Man.
Mr.
Mxyzptlk.
And, of course, Big Papa Smurf.
What do you need me for?.
You could have your choice of any of the women in these bags.
You would think so, but no.
Really?.
Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other.
Growing up, I was always tall for my age, and the other kids made fun of me.
I- I always hoped for another misunderstood soul to share my pain.
You could be that soul, Collector.
Oh.
Come here, you.
Xena needs "xex.
" [ Chuckles ] - Got your lips! - [ Groaning ] [ Shouts ] Oh! You tricked me with a ruse so hackneyed it would make Stan Lee blush.
Shut up.
[ Ululating ] [ Grunting ] [ Groans ] - [ Shouting ] - Oh! Ow.
Ow.
That hurts.
Bart, just let me drop and save yourself.
What do you think I've been trying to do?.
Aha! Not even Xena is a match for the limited edition double-edged light saber from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
[ Humming ] [ Gasps ] You removed it from its original packaging! [ Gasps ] No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh! [ Groans ] - What a nerd.
- Lucite hardening.
Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose from Battle star Galactica.
[ Grunting ] Best death ever! - Wow.
Thanks for saving us.
- No problem.
Now let's get you kids home.
Wait a minute.
Xena can't fly.
- I told you.
I'm not Xena.
I'm Lucy Lawless.
- Oh.
[ Chorus ] # Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl# [ Beeping] [ Rock] - ## [ Ends ] - [ Cheering] This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000.
And that was White snake.
We're not White snake, dude.
We're Poison.
- I thought we were Quiet Riot.
- It says here we're Ratt.
- [ Chattering ] - Oh, right.
Sorry.
Man alive! What a stinko thousand years.
Blimp wrecks.
Teenagers.
Then again, we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith.
And 11 with Robert Urich.
[ TV.
: Funk] Super freak, Super freak I'm super freakin' Yow Aw, man.
What'd I do now?.
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - Wonderful.
Now, that song is dedicated to all you super geeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs.
- Slammin'! - Hey, Homer.
Weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer?.
- Absolutely.
- Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?.
- Doing what now?.
- You did fix them, right, Dad?.
Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
That can't be true, honey.
If it were, I'd be terrified.
Eight, seven, six- We want to thank Dixie brand mayonnaise.
Whoo, Lordy, what a mayonnaise! Three, two- [Alarm Blaring] - That's Homer Simpson's computer.
- Oh, God! It's spreading! - [ Creaks ] - Happy New-Wha- Oh, no.
It's happening.
[ Electricity Crackling ] [Screaming] Uh-oh.
[ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] [ Electricity Crackling ] [ Groans ] Who's gonna clean up all those jets?.
- [ Crash ] - [ Electricity.
Crackling] There goes the clothesline.
Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again.
[ Chuckles ] Let's just have some milk and go to bed.
[ Gasping ] Hey.
This milk's broken.
- It's got a computer chip in it.
Everything does.
- [ Beeping] [ Gasps ] [ Beeping Continues ] Oh! Oh! [ Groaning ] - [ Whimpering ] - [ Man Whimpering ] Judgment Day is upon us.
I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your mini dresses and Beatle boots.
[ Grunting ] I resisted these for 35 years.
Why did I wear them today?.
But it's not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the Almighty.
Hey, everybody! They're looting the mall! Hurry! I got nine shoe buffers! [ All Shouting ] [ Grunting ] I'm caught on something.
- I don't want you looting.
- But I was gonna loot you a present.
- Oh, all right.
- [ Giggles ] [Siren Wails ] [ All Shouting ] Oh, thank you, Homie.
A Lady Remington.
- [ Buzzing ] - [ Screams, Grunting ] [ Screaming ] Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.
Wonders, Lisa?.
Or blunders?.
I think that was implied by what I said.
Implied, Lisa?.
Or implode?.
- Mom, make him stop.
- [Krusty.
Groans ] - Oh, no.
Krusty! - [ Groaning ] My pacemaker.
It's stuck on "hummingbird.
" Nectar.
Nectar.
I need to drink my weight in nectar.
Krusty! Hey, a note.
"You have been selected for Operation Exodus.
" They're evacuating the Earth.
[ Gasps ] We're saved! [ Sobbing ] Thank you, sweet clown.
I n death, you saved us all.
I'm not dead.
I can still hear his voice on the wind.
[ Bart ] There it is! [ Homer] Just like the dead clown promised! [ Elevator Bell Dings ] [ Bart] Wow.
There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking Paul McCartney.
, Michael Jordan, Michelle Kwan.
They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest.
- That's us! - Name, please.
Certainly.
I am the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine.
Uh-huh.
And your name is?.
Uh, Shiny McShine.
Actually, he's Homer Simpson.
That's Bart.
I'm Lisa.
Lisa Simpson?.
You're the ship's proofreader.
Welcome aboard.
Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice.
- You're only allowed to take one parent with you.
- Mom.
- Love ya lots! - Good-bye, Lisa.
Remember me as I am- filled with murderous rage! Well, Son, I guess this is the end.
But we've both had long, full lives.
- Oh.
Right.
- Hey, look.
Another spaceship.
And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go.
I can't believe I destroyed the Earth.
Are you still talking about the Earth?.
You're right.
I gotta let it go.
All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats.
[ Gasps ] Ooh! There's Ross Perot.
Dr.
Laura.
Spike Lee.
Wait a minute.
They're not so great.
Okay.
But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love.
Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! [ Screams ] Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait.
Only that ship is going to Mars.
- Ours is headed for the sun.
- Yeah.
Ain't that a kick in the teeth?.
I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch.
And I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy, and I'm good with knots.
So we're all gonna die?.
Afraid so.
But hey, the grub's pretty good, huh?.
[ Chuckles ] The sun?.
That's the hottest place on Earth.
Gonna work on my "tannage," buddy.
Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey.
.
We should do a show together, man.
That's a sure cure for the blues.
- [ Noisemaker Blows ] - Hey! Turn those frowns around.
Oh, no.
Rosie O'Donnell! Come on, everybody! Sing along! Clang, clang, clang went the trolley This side only! Ding, ding, ding went the bell Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings From the moment I saw him, I fell - #Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
# - Don't worry, Dad.
- We'll be dead in five minutes.
- Not fast enough! [ Beeps ] Went my heartstrings From the moment I saw him [ Both Sighing ] - [ Pops ] - [ Pops ] From the moment I saw him I fell [ Woman Screams ]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)
The Simpsons s11e05 Episode Script
E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)
[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # E-I-E-I-(ANNOYED GRUNT) [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Whimpers ] [ Gunfire, Explosions ] [ Indistinct Shouts ] [ Groans ] Oh, my.
War is terrible.
- Ahh! - [ Man Announcing ] Buzz Cola, the taste you'll Kill for.
Available in ''ze'' lobby.
Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda? I have to go to ''ze'' lobby! I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds.
You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either.
TouchÃ©.
To the top, please.
Swim, my pretties.
[ All Groan ] Sacre bleu! The deadly poke of Zorro! What? ''N''? What does ''N'' stand for? No, no.
It's a ''Z.
'' I am Zorro.
''Z'' for Zorro.
I have come to return King Arthur to the throne.
It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't.
It's totally inaccurate.
- Quiet! Here come the ninjas.
- [ Blows Landing, Grunting ] What part of' stop cutting my dress off'' don't you understand? [ Chuckles ] ''S.
P.
''? The Scarlet Pimpernel? - We're just, uh, friends.
- She's lying! Slice her head off!.
Your honor has been insulted! This will not stand! Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad.
- You're pouring hot butter on my leg! - Shh, shh, shh! ## [ Woman Singing Aria ] Sir, I demand satisfaction.
- I challenge you to a duel.
- [ Grunts ] - [ All Gasp ] - [ Gasps ] Do you accept or are you a coward? I am a coward! - [ Movie Audience Cheers ] - Whoo! You go, Zorro! I, King Arthur, declare Zorro the new king of England! - Yes! - [ Cheering ] [ Man Rapping ] # From the ''Z''to the ''O'' to the double ''R''-''O'' # # He's the dude in a mask from the barrio # # With his horse and his mask and his big ol'sword # # He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford ## - [ Chattering ] - Oh, move it, Q-tip! Ha! - [ Groans ] - Why that little- He insulted your honor! - Sir, I demand satisfaction! - [ Grunts ] - Are you crazy, dude? - I challenge you to a duel! [ Grunts, Chuckles ] The dude is crazy! Will you duel, or are you a coward? Would a coward do this? Bye! [ Cheering ] Mmm! My hero! [ Grunts ] ''H'' is for Homer! Thanks, Homer.
I told you not to drink all those Frescos before we got in the car! - Mother, please! You're embarrassing me.
- No, I'm not.
Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full- full of urine! Yeah, thanks.
It's just past the end of the bar next to the heavyset guy.
- Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean? - Take it easy.
Take it easy.
I'm just sayin'.
You ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune.
No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it! You insulted my honor! - [ Stammering ] Your what now? - I demand satisfaction! - [ Grunts ] - I challenge you to a duel! Hey, a duel? I, eh- Isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer.
Really? But you've never given anyone a free beer.
Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no dueling glove before either.
Wow.
A free beer.
And I owe it all to a little glove slap.
Glove slap Baby, glove slap ?? - Hmm! [ Woman Singing ] # A glove slap to the little ol'face # # Will get you satisfaction # # Glove slap, baby # [ Man Singing ] # A glove slap, baby # [ Women Singing ] # Glove slap, Baby, glove slap # # Glove slap I don't take crap # # Glove slap shut your big yap ## [ Bell Chimes ] Coming through.
Challenge.
Duel.
Hi, Lenny.
How dare you? Demand satisfaction.
[ Man ] ''Suh, ''your challenge is accepted.
-Huh? -I agree to the duel, ''suh.
'' I choose pistols at dawn.
Pistols at dawn? Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says ''suh''? You'll need a will and a headstone.
Aisle six.
Aisle six? [ Groans ] Dueling at dawn? How did it ever come to this? The National Weather Service says dawn is still scheduled for 6:20 tomorrow and to please stop calling.
Oh, Homer.
I bet that Southern colonel doesn't even show up.
- Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you.
- Sir, that is an insult! I challenge you-What? [ Whimpering ] [ Yelping, Gasping ] Oh, honey, I had the worst nightmare.
This glove kept slapping people, and I was getting blamed.
- ## [ Vehicle Horn.
' ''Dixie''] - Sir! I say, sir! - The time has come! - No! Oh, no.
He's out there, isn't he? I'm afraid so, and his wife's with him.
- [ Homer Growls ] - Homer! - Hey, I'm not dead yet! - [ Knocking ] [ Gasping ] Save me, Marge! I saved you! Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you? Oh, Marge, that's in the past.
Just let it go.
Sir! I say, sir! The hour is upon us, sir! Hello.
My husband will be right with you.
We're just taking this old Christmas tree to the dump.
Well, now, I wouldn't be much of a Southern gentleman if I didn't help you carry that tree.
No, no, no, no.
You'll get sap on your dueling blouse.
Well, at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you, ma'am.
- Well, it's worth a try.
Don't you- - We're fine, Colonel.
Good day.
It looks like you were saved by a Christmas tree.
And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April.
Flanders,you gotta help me.
Is there a Southern couple parked in front of my house? Ooh, yes indeedy, Homer.
- Looks like they're settlin' in for a long stay.
- [ Chiming ] I was afraid of that.
Well, good-bye, my gentle neighbor.
You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much- [ Recording: Female Voice ] To continue talking, please deposit 1 0 cents.
Aw, screw it.
- [ Tires Screech ] - We can't go back home? - Where are we gonna live? - Ooh! How 'bout that house? That has people living in it.
You can see them through the windows.
- Lousy showoffs.
- Look! It's Jimmy Carter! Could you build us a house, President Carter? We can't go back to ours.
I'm sorry.
These are for the truly needy.
Yeah.
Get your own habitat.
Come on, Carter.
Build us a house, you lazy bum! You have offended me, sir.
I challenge you to- - [ Screams ] - Come back here! Why, you yellow-bellied- [ Horn Honking ] - Come on! Move it! - Where are we going, Dad? - How should I know? - Then why are you driving so fast? 'Cause I'm trying to think! What would Zorro do? Zorro! [ Sobs ] ''Rural Route 9''? That's it! We can hide out at the farm where I grew up! - You mean Grampa's old farm? - Yeah.
It'll be fun- fresh country air, apples for the picking, sing-along hay rides.
[ Bart ] What a dump! Race you to the swimmin' hole! [ Laughing ] [ Gasps ] Come on, Ma! - Bring the young-uns! There's no leeches! - [ Rattling ] Ow, ow, ow! Lots of snakes though! [ Laughing ] Whoo! - [ Chittering ] - [ Honking ] Holy moly! We can't stay here! It's full of raccoons! Just think of'em as cats with rabies.
- [ Purrs ] - Hello, kitty.
- Ow! - [ Snarls ] Oh, yeah, you little scamp! Are we really gonna live here and grow crops? Absolutely.
This is our big chance.
The Simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap-toothed bumpkins! - I'll dig an outhouse! - I'll weed the floor! - I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! - That's my girl.
Let the agriculture begin! All right.
Let's see what the old girl can do.
- [ Engine Starts ] - Mm-hmm.
- [ Running Smoothly ] - It doesn't sound very tractor-y.
- Hang on.
And there.
- [ Clattering, Chugging ] - [ Shouting ] Now we're talking! - [ Backfires ] - [ Crashes ] - D'oh! - Dad! - Go get Lassie! - Lassie? I mean Lisa.
Oh, you poor little sheep! No one's sheared you for years.
- [ Clippers Buzzing ] - All right.
Almost done, my little friend.
Soon you'll be a nice, cool- - [ Screams ] Rat! - [ Squeaking ] Well, well.
Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car.
This car was made in Guatemala.
Well, pardon us, Mr.
Gucci Loafers.
I bought these shoes from a hobo.
Well, la-dee-da, Mr.
Park Avenue Manicure.
I'm sorry.
I believe in good grooming.
You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place.
- That's why your daddy abandoned it.
- Oh, what do you know? Well, I know your soil p.
H.
is up around 9.
6, and you need it seven to eight max.
Oh, that's just superstition! You watch me.
I'll grow something out there.
Not if you're plantin' gummy bears.
D'oh! Ah! Wow, Dad! This is the juiciest watermelon I ever tasted.
Yeah.
I hope I can grow some like that.
- What are you planting? - Oh, a little bit of everything.
Something will thrive in this harsh, merciless soil.
And for those who face nature unafraid - it is they who reach- - [ Crashes ] - I'm down.
- Pa! - Move the hand brake! - [ Straining ] Ohh, that's heaven.
Oh, it's been a month.
Why won't anything grow? Maybe it needs more fertilizer.
I'm only one man, Marge.
Well, it's probably just a bad growing season.
Hot diggety! It's up to her eye! - Time to harvest, boys! - [ All ] Whoo! - Nice work, Petunia.
- [ Sniffing ] - 'Ere you go.
- [ Growls ] Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer.
Well, if it isn't Mr.
Salad Fork.
You couldn't grow stink on a monkey.
Leave me alone, you big bully.
Oh, I'm just razzin' ya.
It's my way.
Here, have an ear on me.
[ Grunting ] More tumbleweed, Lisa? [ Lisping ] No, thanks.
I'm still finishing my thistles.
Dad, if we leave for town right now, we could catch the dinner special at Krusty Burger.
Sorry, boy.
Going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out.
Wasn't skipping town in the first place a coward's way out? Oh, you're right! [ Sobbing ] I'm a coward! I made such a mess of things! If only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow.
Wait a minute.
[ Ringing ] Plutonium? Gee, Homer, isn't that kind of risky? Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's not.
- Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail? - You know it.
- I'll probably send some tomorrow.
- I hear that.
Easy.
Careful.
Steady.
Mmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Time to give Mother Nature a little goose.
[ Homer] Well, Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that? It's eerily beautiful.
But are you sure this is safe? Of course not! But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
You got that from a movie poster.
Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
- Where'd you get that? - From the producers of Waiting to Exhale.
Is that plutonium on your gums? - Shut up and kiss me.
- [ Gasps ] - Mm-mm-mmm! - Mmm! [ Crowing ] Wake up, honey.
It's time to harvest our radioactive super-crop.
- [ Groans ] But it's only been one night.
- That's all it takes.
If we learned one thing from The Amazing Colossal Man and Grasshopperus it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big real fast.
But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett? - Only 'cause he tried to reason with him.
- Oh.
Brace yourselves, everybody.
You're about to see the hugest,juiciest possibly superintelligent vegetables man has ever known.
You might want to crane your necks upward now to save time.
Ta-da! [ Wind Whistling ] All right now, don't panic.
It's possible the giant vegetables are invisible.
[ Excited Gasping ] Oh! Where are you? [ Yelps ] - Oh, honey, give it up.
- Oh, you're right.
This farm's hopeless.
Why didn't I listen to those inbred hicks? I guess I'll just go hang myself in the barn.
- Homer, no! - Let him go, Mom.
- Wait, Dad! You don't have to kill yourself.
- This better be good.
Something is growing.
[ Gasps ] A sprout! And there's some more! What is it? Carrots? Peas? [ Gasps ] Maybe it's okra! Who cares what it is? It's growing.
I've saved the farm! - Yea! Oh! - [ Camera Shutters ClicKing ] Look at my babies.
This tomato will be Heinz ketchup.
And this tomato will be Hunt's catsup.
[ Gags, Coughs ] Tastes like cigarette butts! Hmm.
That's odd.
The outside looks like a tomato, but the inside is brown.
Maybe the tomato seeds crossbred with the tobacco seeds.
- Oh, great.
I got a field full of mutants.
- Gimme! I want more! - Mmm! - I thought you said it tasted terrible.
It does.
But it's smooth and mild.
And refreshingly addictive.
Mmm, mmm! Addictive, eh? Tomacco? That's pretty clever, Dad.
- I mean, for a product that's evil and deadly.
- Aw, thanks, honey.
I'm not crazy about the plutonium or nicotine.
But it is very nice to see Bart eating his vegetables.
Mmm, mmm.
Excuse me, Mr.
Farmer Man.
I promised my son he could tip over his first cow.
And I-Tomacco? Yes, it's the latest craze.
Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie.
The stranger is offering you a treat.
Mmm.
Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! - [ Groans ] Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! - I want more! Yeah, me too.
We'll take a bushel or a pack or- Just give it to me! [ Chuckles ] Yech! - [ Groans ] - Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? - They're very- - Does it have tomacco in it? - No, but I use only the- - Pass! - I was here first.
- Come on, come on, people! Don't push.
There's plenty of tomacco for everyone.
- Have your cash or food stamps ready.
- Don't forget your mincemeat pie.
You're scaring the customers, honey.
Hello, folks.
Would you and your family like to take a ride with us? Okay.
Meet the Laramie Cigarette team.
This is Mindy,J.
P.
and Emil.
Homer, we're in a bit of a pickle.
Kids are crazy about tobacco, but the politicians won't let us sell it to them.
- Those dirty, rotten- - Tell me about it.
But there's no law against selling kids tomacco.
That little ''M'' is worth a lot of money to us, and to you.
- How much? - Well, let's say a hundred- - [ Gasps ] - and 50 million dollars.
One hundred and- [ Babbling ] May I speak to my family for a moment? [ Lock Clicks ] Did you see the way Emil's looking at Mindy? Hoo-hoo! I think something's going on there.
Shouldn't we be talking about the $1 50 million offer? - Oh, yeah.
Let's take it.
- Dad, it's a tobacco company! They make billions off the suffering and deaths of others.
She's right, Dad.
They can afford a lot more.
- No! - I'm with Lisa.
Let's take 'em to the cleaners.
We all agree that The least we can accept is 1 50 billion! They'll be back.
We control the world's supply of tomacco and no one can take that away from- [ Shrieks ] - [ Animals Lowing, Bleating ] - Stop eating our future! Get the- Get outta- Bad animals! Go home! Thank God.
There's one left.
[ Grunts ] You- - [ Grunting ] - [ Lowing ] - Look! A flying saucer! - Hmm? - [ Laughing ] - Hmm.
There, there.
We had quite a scare today.
But you're gonna make us millions.
Yes, you are! You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world! You've gotta destroy this plant! I know, honey.
But what can I do as an individual? - I wouldn't know where to begin.
-Just burn that plant right now and end this madness! I wish I could make a difference, Lisa.
But I'm just one man! - [ Groans ] - I agree.
But how? - [ Screams ] - [ Bleating ] - [ Bleating ] - [ Neighing ] They're after the tomacco! Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive! Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence- [ Lowing ] Tomacco! [ Yelping ] [ Trumpeting ] [ All Screaming ] - Give them the plant, Homer! - No.
I'd rather die! - [ Screeches ] - Aah! Take it! Well, what a lovely gift.
Gotta run.
So, Mindy, how did you want to pay me the 1 50 million? Cash'll be okay.
Or stock! Does your company have stock? Mindy! Mindy and I are just hammering out a payment plan.
We'll talk Monday! Hey, props to Mindy on the grab! Boo-ya! Guys, we seem to be carrying a little extra weight.
[ Chuckles ] Don't look at me.
I'm on Sugar Busters.
- [ Snarling ] - [ Rassengers Screaming ] [ Bleating ] I've never been so glad to be home.
I don't know why we ever left in the first place.
- D'oh! - [ Colonel ]five, six, seven - [ Whimpering ] - eight- I say, eight nine and 1 0.
[ Sniffing ] What is that intoxicatin' aroma? Could that be- I say, could that be mincemeat pie? It certainly is.
Why don't you put down your gun and have a slice? Ah, don't mind if I do.
Hey! Are we duelin'or what? Oh, where are my manners? [ Screaming ] - You okay, Dad? - I think so.
The bone stopped the bullet.
Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.
After pie.
# Glove slap Shut your big yap # Glove slap Baby, glove slap # # Ooh, glove Baby, that's where it's at # # Yeah Glove, baby # # Give it a slap # # Glove slap I don't taKe crap # # Glove slap shut your big yap # # A glove slap to the little ol'face # # Will get you # # Satisfaction # # Glove slap, baby ## - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder
The Simpsons s11e06 Episode Script
Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder
[Chorus] The Simpsons HELLO GUTTER, HELLO FADDER [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Alarm Buzzing ] - Snooze.
Need more snooze.
[ Muttering ] [ Yawns ] Mmm.
- [ Buzzing ] - [ Screams ] Num-num, Maggie! Num-num! Did somebody say, "Num-num"?.
[ Groans ] I can't get Maggie to eat.
May be if you try.
Oh, I'm 26 hours late for work.
No time for Maggie.
Ooh! Where's Waldo?.
Nope.
Nope.
This would be a lot easier without all these people.
Nope.
Nope.
He's there! Uh, no.
- Homer! - Waldo, where are you?.
[ Whines ] [Door Closes] - [Horns Honking] - [ On Radio ] It is a nightmare out there on the freeways today With surface streets jammed and the sidewalks filled With pushy New Yorkers.
- Hey, man! - Hey! How'd you I i ke a Details magazine up the wazoo?.
[ Grunts ] [ Siren Wailing ] Oh, sure.
Single me out.
All right, smart guy.
Where's the fire?.
- Over there.
- [Alarm Blaring] Okay.
You just bought yourself a 3-17: pointing out police stupidity.
Or is that a 3-14 ?.
Nah, nah.
3-14 is a dog, uh- No.
Or is that a 3-15?.
You're in trouble, pal! [Bird Cawing] [ Panting, Chuckling ] I'd hate to see the look on old Burnsie's face if he knew I was just gettin' in.
- [ Giggling ] - [ Clears Throat ] Hmm.
Who is that? Big ugly nose.
Bald.
Liver spot.
Liver spot.
- Hmm.
- [ Clearing Throat ] - [ Cash Register Dings ] - Turn around, Simpson.
[ Screams ] No! I can't get in trouble if l can't see you! I'm afraid he's got us, sir.
[ Screams ] [Whimpering, Panting ] Ah.
Safe in the core.
And now- [ Gagging ] Oh! - Don't forget the leg protectors, sir.
- Ah, yes.
[ Grunting ] Ow! Yii! Oh! I knew I had those installed for a reason.
- [ Grunts, Gags ] - [ Grunting ] Aw, this is the worst day ever! Hey, Homer.
What gives?.
Mr.
Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste.
Geez.
That's rough.
There must be Yeah.
And even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor.
- Hey, you wanna come bowling with us tonight?.
- Okay.
[Phone Ringing] Hello?.
Homer?.
Where are you?.
You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie.
Oh, Marge, I'm sorry.
I can't make it.
The cooling tank just blew, and they're taking Lenny to the hospital.
Oh, no! Not Lenny! Not Lenny! Yes, I'm going to have to work late instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want.
Okay.
Sure.
Kids, turn off the TV.
I have some bad news about Lenny.
[ Both ] Not Lenny! [ Laughing ] Hey, Carl! Check out the overhead scoreboard.
[ Both Laughing] Poo.
Uh, Homer.
What wacky name do you want?.
- Are "Poo" and "Ass" taken?.
- Yeah.
Damn! Could my life get any worse?.
Simpson! [ Disgusted Sigh ] Even for a bowler, you're fat.
Hey, guys.
Is it normal to see Burns's face on a bowling ball?.
Ah, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
Oh, what a rotten day! [ Grunts ] Wow! A strike! Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I takin' these?.
[ Machinery Rattling ] Oh! You're polishing bone! [ Pins Falling] Hey, Homer.
That's four strikes in a row! - You got a perfect game going.
- Really?.
Careful what you say, Lenny.
You'll jinx it.
All right.
Sorry.
Miss! Miss! Sorry.
I Was callin' the Waitress.
Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke.
- Lenny! - What?.
I paid 7.
10 for this split.
Will you at least call it a "banana split," you dumb wad?.
Hey, spare me your gutter mouth! Ow.
Ow! Practice ball.
Practice ball.
Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo! Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substance.
We knew it contained spider eggs but the hantavirus- well, that really came out of left field.
So if any of you have experienced numbness or comas send proof of purchase and five dollars to: Antidote, PO.
Box 14- This is Kent Brockman live from Barney's Bowlarama where local pinhead, Homer Simpson, is on the verge of a perfect game! Hey, there was no accident at the plant.
Dad just wanted to go bowling.
He shouldn't have deceived me but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.
This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield.
- Which proves just how pitiful this town is.
- [ Groaning ] [ Disgusted Sigh ] Morons.
[ Crowd ] Homer! Homer! Homer! - [ All ] Yea! - Whoo-hoo! I'm 10 pins away from perfection! Now, listen, your father really needs to concentrate so we'll just stay here and not disturb him.
Why won't they come over?.
I'm so lonely.
This is it- the ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game or a pathetic 290-something.
[ Cheering ] - Yea! Yea! - [ Chuckling ] What's wrong, Abe?.
This is as fast as I can move.
Get down.
Get down.
- [ Cheering] - [Firecracker Whistling] Whoo-hoo! This is the greatest day of my life! [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Kisses ] You did it, Homie.
In your face, to-do list! - Homer! Homer! - Thankyou.
Thankyou.
But there was someone else with me on that alley.
I'm talkin' about the big man- Carl! Aw, can the corn, bonehead.
Children Today's local hero is Homer Simpson [ All ] Yea! Mr.
Simpson bowled a perfect game without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling.
Thank you, Bart's teacher.
You know, kids, my teachers said I would never amount to anything and until last week they were dead right.
But now I've achieved perfection.
Hmm.
Any questions?.
Yes.
Bart's weird friend.
- Will you be my dad?.
- [ Chuckling ] You've got a father.
He's just a dud.
Next question.
- Yes.
The girl Bart has a crush on.
- [ Groans ] Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor?.
Hey, this was supposed to be about me.
Now, any other questions?.
Pumpkin face?.
Headgear? Chicken pox? Smelly? Lazy eye? Spikyhead? Okay.
Class dismissed.
Rock on! - Hooray! - Wanna split the birthday cupcakes?.
[ Man Announcing] Live frrom Shelbbyville, it's The Springfield Squares featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game"Simpson.
[ Cheering ] Hey! Hi, Ron.
[ Grunting ] [ Groans ] There's a stairway, dumb-ass! [ Laughing ] Okay.
We'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu! Disco Stu's gonna groove up some dough playing tic-tac-toe.
Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe.
I can dig it.
Hit me with the center square.
- [Kent Brockman ] Uh, Homer? - Yes, Kent?.
According to Redbook magazine, what is the speed of light?.
Well, that- Uh, well, wait.
Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"?.
Oh, for the lo- Stop tape! Make me center square, Kent.
I'm ready.
I can handle it.
- Dream on, drunkie.
- Oh, that's it! You're goin' down! - [ Grunting ] - [ Gasping, Screams ] Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry! Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on.
Flavor ofthe month?.
Me?.
Yeah, Homer.
You can't just ride one accomplishment forever.
Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?.
I don't know.
'Cause you weren't cute anymore?.
- Mmm.
I'll agree.
- Circle gets the square.
Good night, everyone! [ Grunts ] Now, before my partner Teller hits the shark-infested water I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow.
- Here! Here! - I only need one.
Now, to save my partner's life, I'll need complete- Hello, everybody! Did somebody say "A perfect game"? You idiot! You'll ruin everything! I'm doing a walk-on.
It's a show business thing.
So, how you all doing?.
Let's see.
What's in the news today?.
- Will you shut up?.
- Hey, I thought you never talked.
Uh, I didn't mean to.
Huh.
It just slipped out.
Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me.
[ Laughs ] Folks, it's all part of the act.
No, it isn't.
Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it.
I'm not the first Teller.
- Remember, Springfield: Keep on swingin'! - Hey, come here! I-I just wanna talk to you! Come here! Come here! Ooh.
Ooh.
Guys?.
Remember, in the whole world, there's nobody like you.
You're special.
So special.
That's right! You are.
[ Giggling ] Hey, everybody! I'm gonna be on TV again.
[ Band ] [ Whines ] That's right.
You've got a special daddy.
Burt Reynolds apologized to the pope and promised to replace the windshield.
Burt Reynolds- class act.
Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson.
Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone?.
I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud.
Whoo-hoo! First up, Maude Flanders.
- Homer! - But she said I- Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun and now it's time for you to gracefully step aside.
Lisa, I know what's going on here.
They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me.
Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?.
Well in bowling ability Sweet Bowling alley Balloon you're my only friend.
[ Inhales, Gagging, Coughing ] [ Grunts ] What was that about?.
Marge, has my life peaked?.
Oh, Homie.
Is that what's bothering you?.
Mm-hmm.
Well, the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner.
You're right! I can't believe it, Moe.
The greatest feet of my life is already forgotten Geez Homer I never seen you this depressed As your life partner, I'm very worried.
Save your tears, Moe.
Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope.
A shred of what?.
Sorry.
I was counting the cocktail radishes.
- [ Sighs ] - Now, where was I?.
Uh, two, three- three radishes.
Three big radishes.
[ Man ] This is the end Beautiful friend [ Singing Along ] This is the end My only friend the end [ Singing Alone ] Weird scenes inside the gold mine [ Bell Dings ] [ Sighs ] Well, world, this is it.
You know, I always thought you'd die before me.
Now, as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking- - Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal! - [ Gasps ] [ Screams ] [ Screaming ] Hey, Mr.
S.
, I didn't know you bungeed.
- I want to live! - No, no! You're too heavy! It's a glandular problem! [ Both Screaming ] Ooh! Morlocks.
C.
H.
U.
D.
's.
Mole people! There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.
Ow! O Lord, you saved me.
I guess you had some higher purpose in mind.
Hey! Look out! Oh, dumb-ass.
- You trying to get yourself killed?.
- Not anymore, Ron.
Now I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to.
Something noble, but easy.
Daddy, stop talking to that bum.
Look, I'd love to help you out, Homer, but I'm taking my kids to the zoo.
That's great.
Even big stars take their kids to the zoo.
Well, it's a different zoo containing animals you've never heard of.
Daddy, we're missing the Fantastapotamus.
She only sings twice a day.
That's it! Kids are the answer.
I'll dedicate my life to my children.
Really?.
You have children?.
Oh, well, look.
Here's some money.
No.
I don't want your pity or your money.
Usually when you say that, you give the money back.
- I do what now?.
- Yoink! Listen, boy.
I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention.
No need, Dad.
Over the years, I've learned to find father figures wherever I can.
Construction workers, the Internet and Nelson here.
If you tie a string around your finger real tight, you can make it turn purple.
I can see i am not needed here.
Lisa, honey.
Do you need any help with your homework?.
Sure! You can help me find three words where "Y" is the vowel.
I've been so blind.
I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson.
Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you.
Yes, he is.
Yes, he is! [ Babbling ] [Babbling Continues ] Where's Maggie?.
Where's Maggie?.
Hey, where is she?.
There you are.
Hi, Maggie.
I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubbie.
And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.
Let's see what's on tummy-vision.
Ow! Oh, that hurts! Ow! Ow! [Homer] Whee! Whee! Don't be scared, Maggie.
Daddy won't drop you.
You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over just like I did with Lisa.
Hi, honey! Okay, Dads.
This is where your child's trust in you really pays off.
- D'oh! - [ Whistle Blows ] Come on! Come on! Come on, Maggie.
You can trust me.
[ Muffled Voice ] Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy.
Come to Daddy! [ Sighs ] I'm sorry, Maggie.
I never realized things between us had gotten this bad.
What are you pointing at?.
The ocean?.
That's a great idea! We'll swim in the ocean.
See, Maggie?.
The ocean is just like a bathtub.
Except instead of rubber duckies it has barracudas and moray eels.
[ Chuckles ] [ Screams ] Nothin' to worry about.
Just a little wave.
And this riptide is certainly nothing Daddy can't struggle against.
Help! Help! Somebody, help! [ Gurgles ] Current too strong.
I know.
If l sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore.
[ Inhales ] [ Gasping ] Maggie, call Aquaman! [ Grunting ] [ Gasps, Coughing ] Maggie, you're swimming! You swam out to save me! Oh, you do love me! Mr.
Simpson, you're going to be fine although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.
Actually, that was befrore I went in the ocean.
- I don't want to pry into your personal life- - Then don't! Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning?.
[ Laughing ] It's quite simple.
When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength.
Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me.
Oh! And we're gonna spend a lot more time together from now on.
[Bowling Ball Hitting Pins ] Good girl, Maggie! You knocked down all the pins.
But you stepped over the line just a little bit so I'll have to give you a five.
And that gives you a final score of 295.
Looks like Daddy won.
But 295 is awfully good for a baby.
Yes, it is.
It's very good.
And you're a good little baby.
Yes, you are! [ Giggling ] [ Maggie Coos ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Eight Misbehavin
The Simpsons s11e07 Episode Script
Eight Misbehavin
[ Chorus ] The Simpsons EIGHT MISBEHAVIN' [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Whimpering ] - [ Sinister Chuckling ] These Swedish furniture designers sure have some far-out ideas.
I mean, a green table.
I wouldn't have thought of that in my wildest dreams.
And these beanbag chairs look so comfortable.
[ Sighs ] Oop! Hey, there's someone else in here.
[ Captain McCallister] Arr! She swallowed me whole.
You put it together yourself.
All you need is me-Allen Wrench.
He's named after what he is.
- [ Clanging ] - Cool costume.
[ Mechanical Voice ] It's not a costume.
They found me inside a meteor.
Excuse me.
Where are your hamper lids? [ Normal Voice ] Hamper lids? Uh, third floor.
[ Mechanical Voice ] Help.
I need tungsten to live.
- Tungsten! - [ Whimpering ] Ooh, look at all these clever pencil holders.
Ooh, I wanna get the Kronk.
[ Groans ] You don't want something that overshadows the pencils.
How about this PÃ pli? Mom, no.
Everyone at school picks on the PÃ pli kids.
Even I do.
I just hate them so much.
Yes, I will have the plopenlugen.
And don't skimp on the doodlemunch.
How ingenious.
The forks are made out of Lego.
Mmm.
- Hello, Simpsons.
- Hey, Apu.
Manjula.
You guys are still married? - Oh, yes, sir.
Quite happily.
- Pay up, Marge.
- Say, what you got there? - I don't know exactly.
It's from the Room of Lamps That Do Not Look Like Lamps.
- [ Electrical Surging ] - Hmm? - [ Cooing ] - Oh, little Maggie.
Aren't you cute with your little bow? [ Babbling ] - Maggie loves baby talk.
- That was Hindi.
Oh.
[ Chuckles ] Sorry.
So, have you two thought about kids? Well, sure we have, but the decision to have a child is not to be made lightly.
- [ Laughing, Blowing ] - [ Laughs ] On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do.
Kids are the best, Apu.
You can teach 'em to hate the things you hate.
And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.
Well, perhaps it is time.
I've noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated.
Are you sure you want a child, Apu? You know, I do.
I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, ''Who will float my corpse down the Ganges?'' Oh, Apu, take me now.
Oh, Calcutta! Hey, Apu.
Sittin' in the ice cream cooler, eh? By chilling my loins, I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
Whoa-ho! Too much information! Thanks for the mental picture! Why don't you tell us what you really think? Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips? Could you be any more- Hello! Look,just give me some ice cream.
Um, how 'bout one not touching your ass? - [ Pager Beeping ] - Whoa.
Manjula has begun to ovulate.
Ew! Thanks for sharing! - [ Tires Screeching ] - More than I wanted to know! Here goes nothing.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Both ] Baby.
Baby.
Oh, lemon.
- All that sex for nothing.
- [ Sighs ] Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.
[ Beans Rattling ] You know, Homer, you might want to open those cans before they explode.
But the cans seal in the flavor.
Okay.
So, how's the tribe coming along? Any papooses? No.
Still no luck.
Tell me, Homer.
Did you have to take any special steps when you decided to have children? Decided? [ Laughing ] That's classic.
''Decided.
'' Babies just happen.
Well, not to us they don't.
Oh! Homer, we have tried everything- oysters, gravity boots, Sanjay's bed, every possible position.
Really? On top and underneath? Eh, yes.
Well, don't worry.
I can help you.
I'm all about ideas.
Kids, come and get it! Now, this situation is guaranteed to end in pregnancy.
Uh, I'm willing to play the high school jock but did you have to cut the roof off my car? Hup-hup-hup-hup.
That's an Apu question.
You're Greg.
Uh- ''Gee, Betsy, it's such a nice night.
- [ Mouthing Words ] - Wh don't we go all the way?'' ''But, Greg, my dad will kill me.
And you have that scholarship to Ivy League State.
'' ''Loosen up, baby.
Tomorrow I'm shipping off to Vietnam.
'' I- I thought I was going to Ivy League State.
My mistake.
Stay in the moment.
''Just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur bone digging-up trip.
'' [ Panting ] And that's my cue to exit.
- [ Gasps ] Homer! - I just wanted to invite you to the wrap party.
And that's my cue to exit.
?? [ Humming ] [ Both ] Baby.
Baby.
Pirate? - [ Moans ] - No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant! [ Cheering, Laughing ] Oh.
Oh, get lost! Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
I'll say.
I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
I became the most popular girl in school but blew it by being conceited.
And then I learned the true meaning of winter.
Apu, do you still find me attractive? Of course I do, sweetheart.
You are beautiful and silky and manageable.
You're reading that off a conditioner bottle.
I-That's true.
- But you still have a- - [ Water Falling ] [ Gasps ] My water broke! Oh, we must drive to the hospital.
Cleanup in aisle three.
Oh, finally.
Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy.
[ Screams ] - [ Bones Breaking ] - Oh, m back.
[ All Snoring ] Apu, come quick! You're missing the miracle! Wha- [ Panting ] Oh, my sweet husband.
Say hello to your firstborn child.
Oh.
You shall be the jewel of our lives.
- Oh.
Now say hello to your other seven children.
- My-What? [ Chuckles ] We had quite a discussion about the funniest way to reveal them to you.
You have octuplets.
It rolls off your tongue and into your heart- ''octuplets.
'' Apu, you should have seen your face when they showed you those babies! Yeah, that.
It looked just like that.
Apu, say hello to Punam, Sashi, Pria Uma, Anu, Samdeep, Nabindu - and Mama's clear favorite, Geet.
- [ Coos ] - [ Apu ] How did we get eight? - Apu, I must confess.
When we were having trouble conceiving I took fertility drugs.
[ Moans ] I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature.
I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast Squishy.
Mmm, mmm.
Well, that would only account for quintuplets.
Did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs? Mine tasted like strawberry.
Mmm.
''Ovulicious.
'' Would you say you and your babies have a ''love eight'' relationship? [ Chuckles ] Absolutely, yes.
No, say it! We need a sound bite.
[ Moans ] We have a ''love eight'' relationship.
- [ All Sigh ] - Yes, Kent Brockman, Channel 6.
How would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth is more suited to, say, a possum than a human being? [ Gasps ] Who would say such a thing? Well, pundits, wags.
I'm not the one on trial here.
No one is on trial.
This is a joyous occasion for all.
And the outpouring of support has been so lucrative.
Yes.
We have already received lifetime supplies of baby powder and Pepsi ''B.
'' Free baby cola! Apu hits the jackpot and I'm stuck with these useless one-tuplets! Gee, sorry for being born.
I've been waiting so long to hear that.
[ Beeping ] How do you feel about this avalanche of free merchandise? Oh, the companies are so generous, except the Q-tip people.
They only gave us three crates.
They can rot in hell.
But the good folks at Sony- mwah- their giant TV will really help us love our babies.
I'm here at Shelbyville Hospital where a local woman has just given birth to nine- that's right- nine babies.
- [ Both Gasp ] - Some say eight babies is a blessing but they don't know the joy of nine.
Would you say you're on ''cloud nine''? - We're on cloud nine.
- [ All Sigh ] Oh, they even have a better sound bite than us.
Nine babies? That's barbaric! Nonuplets? Now that's something you don't see every day.
Let's get this stuff to the real heroes- the Shelbyville Nine! [ Gasps ] Wait! That's our ottoman.
[ Sighs ] Don't worry, my little curry face.
We don't need corporate handouts.
Our children will live on love.
- [ Babies Crying ] - [ Groans ] [ Singing ''Rock-a-bye Baby'' In Hindi ] [ Snoring ] Apu, it's 4:00 a.
m.
You're late for work! Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Oh, no, you don't.
Not till they're out of college.
Listen, I'll die when I want to.
[ Cart Squeaking ] Thank you.
Steal again.
- [ Door Sensor Rings ] - Well, morning, Apu.
How are the little blessings? Ooh, they are a ravenous swarm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling.
And two have cradle rash.
How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? [ Chuckles ] They can be a handful of joy.
- Shut up! - They'll fill your lives with- -Just shut up! - Can't put a price on a miracle.
I can't believe you don't shut up.
- [ Clicking ] - [ Homer] Oh, look at that.
Ooh, a gingerbread house.
Hansel and Gretel are set for life.
You know, I saw Apu today.
He's really frazzled.
Boy, that Hansel sure can eat.
[ Screams ] My corneas! - You were saying? - Apu told me all eight babies have colic.
Although he thinks one or two might just be going along with the crowd.
Eight kids? Mmm.
I'm sterile, right, baby doll? Yes, dear.
From the nuclear plant.
Beautiful.
[ Doorbell Ringing ] Knock, knock.
Hmm.
Apu? Manjula? Marge, I got a bad feeling about this.
- [ Both Gasp ] - Welcome to my nightmare.
I knew you had your hands full with the babies so I baked you some banana bread.
Oh, hallelujah.
Our problems are solved.
We have banana bread.
Well, you don't have to be sarcastic.
Oh, look who's here.
The family with one baby.
How do you manage? Marge, they've turned into jerks.
I'm very sorry.
We've been rude.
Can I offer you something to drink? No, thanks.
Apu, they're doing it again.
Okay, break it up.
Maybe you two should get a nanny.
Yes, and what would I pay her with- banana bread? Sorry, sorry.
It's just we haven't slept in days and we're running out of money and- Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread.
I apologize.
I apologize again.
- As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.
- Mmm.
- No.
Marge, no! - [ Doorbell Rings ] Mr.
Nahasapaso- Aw, forget it.
Listen.
You look like you could use some help.
- Come with me.
- Okay.
- But you don't know who he is! - Who cares? There's only one of him.
What if your babies could live in a place with round-the-clock child care all expenses paid, full medical, dental, tutors, the works? I would say that there must be some sort of horrible catch.
- The zoo? - What? Everybody loves my zoo.
You don't love my zoo? I dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh.
I dare you.
Well, they're usually funnier.
Look, I'm not going to put my babies in a zoo.
Don't say no till you see the habitat.
- The habitat? - I mean the nursery.
Oh, my goodness.
Not too shabb, eh? The'll have the best of care.
And all I ask is that you let the local folks share a little glimpse of your blessing.
But is it right to put such young children on display? - [ Man ] Sure it is.
- Huh? - Butch Patrick! - That's right.
I was TV's Eddie Munster.
And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit.
Mm-hmm.
Well, obviously.
Hey, one question, Eddie.
- Butch.
- Yeah, right, right.
If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein how come you are a werewolf? Huh.
I never thought of that.
Doesn't make sense, does it? But what does make sense is putting your children in the hands of Mr.
Kidkill here.
Please, please.
Larry.
Larry Kidkill.
Hmm.
I don't care what Butch Patrick says.
It just doesn't seem right.
We wouldn't be giving the babies away.
We'd be moving in with them.
They'll have a traditional zoo-ish upbringing.
Hmm.
Well, may be we could try it.
- [ Clanging ] - [ Gasps ] - What the- - Hey, I'm a notary.
So I got that goin' too.
[ Gibberish ] [ Cooing ] Oh, you like that, don't you, Punam? Yeah.
Who's a clean baby, huh? Ah, now this is a happy family.
You likin' this thing? How's the humidity? Good? Why am I asking? I can see on the meter it's good.
Oh, everything is perfect.
Yeah.
Nothing's too good for my little angels.
Hup! It's almost showtime.
Showtime? [ Gasps ] All right, people.
If you're not in a diaper, get off my stage.
- Off, off, off, off.
- [ Stammers ] I can't believe we're gonna see the octuplets! You already saw them.
Yeah, but now their umbilical cords have fallen off.
Ladies and gentlemen get ready for the eight wonders of the third world.
Welcome to Octopia! [ House] He can't talk, but, man, can he rock.
Say hello to the baddest baby in the whole damn town-Animal.
Welcome to the jungle We got fun and games ? [ Crowd Sighs ] How can he rebel? He doesn't even know where he is.
[ Swing ] - Uh-oh.
Sounds like one of the babies has a fever.
- [ Gasps ] - Dance fever that is.
[ Sighs ] Let's hear it for Dazzle.
She's no Liza, but it works.
[ Riano ] - And now the stand-up who can't even sit up give it up for Punch Line! [ Applause] [ Laughing ] He's thinking what we're all sayin'.
But all the laughs in the world won't protect you from the stern discipline of the Baron.
[''Flight of the Valkries''] - [ All Booing ] - Boo, Baron! - And the rest.
R-O-C-Kin the U.
S.
A.
- [ Both ] Whoo! R-O-C-Kin the U.
S.
A.
R-O-C-Kin the U.
S.
A Good night, Springfield.
We'll be back in an hour.
Rockin'in the U.
S.
A - [ Both ] Huh? - [ Burps ] - Good babies.
Good, good babies.
Work with Dazzle.
She's a lox out there.
How could you do this to our children? I know.
The lighting cues were a mess.
Don't worry.
The guy's been fired.
Our babies are not circus freaks! We're taking them home now.
- Hold on, Alpo.
We got a contract.
- Not anymore.
[ Grunting ] Laminated.
You monster! Terrence, Christopher, will you show these two to the exit? Avec plaisir.
I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.
- The zookeeper paid you off, didn't he? - Paid me off? What, are you crazy? Mmm.
Mmm.
So we'll never see our children again? Well, they might give Dazzle back.
The buzz is she's got one more show to turn it around.
Well, if the police won't help us, we'll simply have to take the law into our own hands.
Yeah, yeah, a lot of people are doing that these days.
These animals certainly act different at night.
- [ Snarling ] - [ Laughing ] [ Grunting ] Oh, my little treasures.
We'll get you out of this terrible place.
- [ Gasps ] She's waking up.
- Don't worry.
I brought some chloroform.
Pleasant dreams.
There.
And there.
- You idiot! Those are Colorforms! - [ Screams ] - [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Screaming ] Nabindu, Pria and Sashi.
Now let's go.
[ Chittering ] Okay, this is gettin' weird.
Oh, my precious babies.
We'll never let you go.
Oh, let's get this awful thing off.
- No, no! - Let me- Okay, whatever.
- Hold it right there, scumbags! - [ Gasps ] Please, Mr.
Kidkill Look into your eyes I know these babies have a lifetime contract but what if I put together an even better act for you- something sensational? It's not just you prancing around in a monkey suit, is it? - Not anymore.
- You got yourself a deal.
[ Rock ] - [ Groans ] - [ Hisses ] - [ Gasps ] Quiet.
You're breaking character.
- [ Hissing ] - [ Groans ] Are those real cobras? Some are real.
Some are just robots filled with venom.
Now that is a true friend.
If he can handle that, maybe we can handle this bunch.
We'll do our best, chutney butt.
[ Hissing ] Okay.
Okay, don't panic, Butch.
Release the mongoose! - [ Hissing ] - [ Whimpers ] [ Screaming ] Stupid mongoose! Get the snake! The snake! Do I look like a snake? Ow! Ow! Why isn't he listening to me? Ow! [ Screams ] Show's over! Show's over! Next show at 8.
.
00 and 1 0.
.
00.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Take My Wife, Sleaze
The Simpsons s11e08 Episode Script
Take My Wife, Sleaze
[ Chorus ] The Simpsons TAKE MY WIFE, SLEAZE [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] ?? [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Shout ] [ Man On TV] Tonight on Guinness Book of World Records- A man who holds the current record for least amount of faces, with none! Help me! You'll also see the world's smelliest tumor! Ew! These records used to be real accomplishments.
Now they're just gross.
Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything.
Then three other things.
When we come back, we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach.
What an age we live in.
Oh, look at all that Sweet'N Low! Hey, remember the '50s?.
Remember television, Coca-Cola and Dick Clark?.
[ Gasps ] I remember television! Come join me, WolfguyJack at Greaser's Cafe where it's 1955 every day of the year, baby.
[Announcer]Actual year may vary, Consult calendar for current year, - A '50s-style restaurant.
- What a neat idea.
- Why don't we eat there tonight?.
- Nah.
We'll go next month.
Lucille You don't do your daddy's will? Ow [ Women Scream ] - [ Women Scream ] - [ Gasps ] Hmm.
Dennis the Menace? Yes.
I was America's bad boy.
- I once hid my dad's hat! [ Chuckling ] - Uh-huh.
And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr.
Wilson's flower bed.
That was a two-part episode.
I have to go.
California, here we come! It is not a real car Grandpa Allen Gaines Burgers "Un-American Cheese Sandwich"?.
"Polio Dogs"?.
It's clever how the names remind you of the '50s and at the same time, tell you what there is to eat.
Hmm.
Hmm?.
Wow! Look at this old-timey gizmo.
[ Giggling ] I feel like I've gone back in a time machine.
Dad, they have those everywhere.
What an age we live in.
[ Chuckling ] [Howling] [ Coughing ] Oh, man! Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that anymore.
Okay.
Is everybody ready for our nightly dance contest?.
- Dancing?.
- Oh, no! You're not gettin' me on that dance floor! Don't try and make me.
If I have to get a divorce, I will! Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955 Harley-Davidson motorcycle, [ Gasping, Shouting ] I need a dance partner! What about you? Okay Dare to go Hey Hey Set your socks hot up and your toody to poody Here we go with "Mental House Rock" by Johnny Bobby.
Doctors threw a party at the loony bin You gotta be crazy if you want to get in Napoleon is playing has imaginary sax The dance floor's filling up with maniacs Let's rock Do the mental house rock [ Marge Screaming ] [ Homer Screaming ] Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa! Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafe.
If you won't dance with the doc - [ Chuckling ] He'll giveyou electric shocks Zap, zap, zap Well, well, well.
I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life.
- You just won yourselves a motorcycle! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-whoo! - [ Cheering ] It's mine! Finally I've won the respect of my fellow m- Get away from it! - [ Muttering ] - Okay, hepcats.
Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe where the '50s are never goin' away! Well, that dream is over.
At least we still have each other.
Right, honey?.
- Honey?.
- [ Wind Blowing] [ Howling ] [ Coughing ] God! [ Imitating Motorcycle ] Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad.
Why don'tyou just take it for a ride?.
- Promise you won't laugh?.
- Yeah, I promise.
- I don't know how.
- [ Laughing ] You're kidding! [Laughing Continues ] You don't know how! Will you teach me?.
Of course.
[ Man ] You showed me everything Oh,you took me by the hand Puppy dogs and Lincoln Logs And castles made of sand You gave me the courage to spread my newborn wings Spread mayonnaise and marmalade And other spreadable things So I guess you are my hero And there's something you should know I want to make it clear so I'm gonna sing it slow If you weren't a man And my father too I'd buy you a diamond ring And then I'd marry you [ Owl Hooting ] All right, class.
Today we'll be sitting quietly in the dark because teacher has a hangover.
- [ Groans ] It's like a chainsaw in my head! - [ Motorcycle Engine Revving] [ Gasps ] Oh! - Later, Homer.
- Sweet hog, Mr, Simpson, Remember to rebel against authority, kids! - [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Skinner ] Don't listen to him, children.
W-We already did.
Now I can't get it out of my head! - [ Grunts ] - Thankyou, Nelson.
- The sermon today is on John 4:.
13.
- [ Revving ] I think it was Jesus who said "Blessed are those"- Oh, the heckwith it.
Church dismissed.
- [ Cheering ] - [ Bart ] All right.
[Motorcycle Engine Idling] Will you turn that engine off?.
Quiet, Marge.
The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep.
- [ Revs ] - I know.
I know.
Just tune her out.
[ Man On TV] And now back to your Tuesday morning movie, [ Revs ] Oh, I don't know what's come overJimmy.
He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt.
He's a rebel, I tell you.
A rebel without a cause.
Just like that boy in that popular movie we saw.
Look what you've done to beautiful display! Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge- cruisin' and hasslin' shopkeepers.
When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else?.
- Never, pops.
- That's right! Never! Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.
Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang! A gang.
That's the answer.
- Answer to what?.
- Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa.
[ Revving ] [ Sputtering ] If you want to be in the gang, eventually you're gonna have to get motorcycles.
- Yeah, we know.
- Hey, Homer! Can I join?.
This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not "conformos.
" - Yeah! - Buzz off!.
Well, if l were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair.
That guy just don't get it, do he?.
My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table?.
- Bumper pool?.
- I'm there.
The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
I move we reconsider our club name.
Make it something a little less blasphemous.
After all- [ Chuckles ] we don't want to go to hell.
- How about the Devil's Pals?.
- No.
You see- - Or the Christ Punchers?.
- The Christ- I- I don't think you understand my objection.
I'm the president, and the decision is mine.
We're Hell's Satans.
Besides, I already made our club jackets.
Whoa! "Machine wash warm.
" "Tumble dry.
" Ooh, la, la.
- [ Bell Dings ] - Wait up, guys! I gotta empty my grass bag! "Hell's Satans," huh?.
- I'm watching you punks.
- Can't hassle us, pig.
We're goin' the speed limit.
Oink, oink, oink.
- Yeah, pig.
- Yeah.
Oink, oink, oink.
You'll make a mistake someday.
And then you're going straight to juvie! You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.
Cobras?.
I thought you were the Hell's Satans.
[ Mumbles ] Uh- Oink, oink, oink! Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks?.
- [Bell Dings ] - Get away from my store, you young hoodlums! And what if we don't, pops?.
- He's got a broom! - Let's get outta here! - Forget the pennies! Go! Go! - [ Babbling ] You promised me no more brooms.
I know this is not your way.
But we're in America now.
[ Gasps ] They printed my photo of our gang! Carl looks great.
- Can't take a bad picture of that guy.
- [ Gasps ] You took a picture of me when I was asleep?.
Well, if you'd been awake, you would've said no! You can see the bind I was in.
"Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor.
Her turnoffs include underpants, pedestrians and justice.
" - Oh! - [Men Whooping] What in the world?.
[ Shouting ] Whoo! [ Both Gasp ] We're the Hell's Satans out of Bakersfield! You're the Hell's Satans?.
What a fun coincidence.
- My gang's name is also the- - Shut up! - [ Whimpering ] - You stole our club name.
According to our bylaws, we gotta stompyou.
[ Gasps ] - Take offthat jacket, man! - Okay.
- [ Both Gasp ] - Now eat it.
All right.
[ Chewing, Swallowing] Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please.
Sorry.
[ Gulps ] Done.
Okay, Meathook.
I think he learned his lesson.
Oh, man! - Now you gotta eat that too! - Oh! You got anything else with our logo on it?.
Caps and Frisbees, sir.
- You gotta eat them too! - And some pogs.
Me and mybuds just like to go We're havin' fun Everybody knows We don't fuss and we never cry We just groove takin' in the sights Me and the boys - Ew.
just me and the boys You keep it.
Me and the boys I think it's great you've chosen to "crash" here.
But do you have to be so messy?.
Yeah.
It's part of bein' a low life.
[ Groans ] [ Chattering] Hello, police?.
Can you send a SWAT team to 742 Evergreen T- Forget it, Simpson.
Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings.
Lookin' like a pig as I do.
But you have so much inner beauty.
Well, uh, be that as it may uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states.
And we have a little saying around here- "Let Michigan handle it.
" - [ Whooping, Hollering ] - [ Whimpers ] [ Growling ] [ Grunting ] - [ Grunts ] - Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.
- I'd kill for some waffles.
- He has.
- Remember the I HOP in Oakland?.
- [ Laughing ] That's- Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the Dumpsters.
Thankyou, Ramrod.
Marge, how did you get my acket so clean?.
I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out.
I've tried hitting 'em.
I've tried yelling at 'em.
All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease.
Do you have anything thatwill get this emblem back on my jacket?.
- I tried spitting at it, you know, but- -Just put it on my sewing pile.
Okay! I'm doing another load of bandannas! [Humming] Hey! Hey! That's a leave-in conditioner! - You're done.
Next! - [Shuddering] Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard.
Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching.
No, we're not! Okay, bikers, that's it! Benjamin Franklin once said that house guests are like fish at- at- Huh?.
They're gone! Whoo-hoo! And those bikers saw that hard look in my eye- you know that hard look I get sometimes- and they ran away like schoolgirls with their tails between their legs.
[ Mock Laughing ] Way to go, Dad.
Hey, where's the food?.
And why aren't I at school?.
Yeah.
Someone really dropped the ball here.
Marge?.
Marge?.
Dad, there's a note on the back ofyour head.
- Really?.
Read it.
- Hmm.
"Thanks for letting us crash in your pad.
- We had a very nice time.
" - Oh, that's sweet.
- "P.
S.
We've taken your old lady.
" - D'oh! [ Marge Screaming ] Could you at least tell me what you're planning to do with me?.
Oh, don't worry.
You're completely safe.
None of us find you sexually attractive.
None of you?.
Really?.
I could've sworn that Ramrod- Hmm.
Did you see that picture of me in- - And you still don't- - Sorry.
Hmm.
Well, good, I guess.
Now don't worry.
I'm gonna search high and low for your mother.
But just in case I don't find her, I want you to contact this agency.
"Korean Love Brides"?.
I just don't want to be alone! [ Rock] - [ Groaning ] [Man Singing] Excuse me.
Has anyone seen a woman wearing- - Hey! [ Stops ] [ Dog Groans ] That's more like it.
I'm looking for- [ Grunts ] Yeah, come on [ Groaning ] Mmm.
Mm-mm-mm.
I'll showyou! [ Continues ] [ Clears Throat ] Okay.
We kinda got off on the wrong foot there.
Long story short, my "old lady" was- [ Groaning ] What the- Mmm.
Some people never learn.
- [ Punch Lands ] - [ Homer] Ow! All right, Satans! We roll out at dawn.
- Where are we going?.
- To the Bikers'Jamboree in South Dakota.
You'll love it.
Mickey Rourke's comin', and we're gonna jump him.
You know, there's more to life than boozing and rough housing.
[ Together] Huh?.
Haven't any of you ever had a dream?.
Yeah.
I had a dream.
I was in this beautiful garden pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper.
- Then- - No, no.
I mean the dream of a good job a loving family and a home in the suburbs.
Oh, man.
To get all that, you'd have to kill, like, 50 people.
No.
You don't have to kill anyone, not if you have jobs.
And the first step is an eye-catching resume.
- No, I believe it's pronounced "resume.
" - Actually, both are acceptable.
Yeah.
I did see some bikers ride by here with a blue-haired woman about 10 minutes ago.
Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground Section K, Space 217.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
I guess I'll never find her.
[ Revving ] And when you get a job interview try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.
- Makes sense.
- Oh, don't call them skanks.
Uh, Miss Simpson, I killed my pencil.
"Broke.
" You broke your pencil.
I broke him.
That's right.
And what else have we learned?.
Ooh! Ooh! That, uh, violence is wrong.
Excellent, Ramrod.
Civilized people solve their disputes with words.
[ Screams, Shouts ] Homer, stop! No, you don't understand.
[ Shouting ] [ Screaming ] - [ Groans ] - Marge?.
What do we do here, Marge?.
- He's using violence.
- [HomerGrunts ] Talk to him.
Use your words.
- Homer.
Homer, stop it.
- [ Grunting ] We've given up our violent ways.
We justwant to live peacefully with your wife.
No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever! Oh, Homie.
There's only one reasonable way to settle this.
You and me in the circle of death.
Oh! I just swept the circle of death.
- [ Growls ] - [ Purrs ] [ All Chanting ] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! [ Both Shouting, Grunting ] - Huh! - Oh! - [ Gasps ] - [Man ] He's got the wrench! Uh-oh! [ Grunting ] What the- [ Grunting ] [ Shouts, Grunts ] We both knew it would come to this.
You and me, chopper to chopper.
[ Both Shouting, Grunting ] - You know what I'm gonna do after I kill ya?.
- [ Grunts ] Take your wallet.
Never! It was a gift from Newsweek! [ Shouts ] - [ Whimpering] - [ Marge ] Homer! - [ Grunts ] - [ Shouts ] [ Grunting ] Give me back my wife! Okay.
Okay.
You win.
I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad.
A woman like that only comes along every couple of miles.
- Oh.
- Hey, can we at least keep her till the orgy in San Berdoo?.
- What do you say, honey?.
- No! No dice! Good-bye, everybody! - Bye, Mrs.
Simpson! - Bye, Mrs.
Simpson.
- Good-bye, Marge.
- Bye-bye, Mrs.
S.
We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our "resumes.
" "Resumes.
" It still sounds weird to me.
Why are we stopping here?.
Taking care of some unfinished business.
- [Man ] Hey! - [Homer Yelps ] Go! Go! Go! [ The Simpsons Theme ] [Ends ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Grift of the Magi
The Simpsons s11e09 Episode Script
Grift of the Magi
[ Chorus ] The Simpsons GRIFT OF THE MAGI [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Marge Grunts ] - [ Homer Groaning ] Get me down! Our top story: The ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.
Whoo! Springfield rocks! Residents are advised to stay inside unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy.
Experts recommend a class nine or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.
[ Milhouse] Help! Somebody! [ Whimpering ] [ Whimpering ] Let me in, for the love of- - [ Groaning ] - Are you okay? I've been better.
- Oh, I am so bored.
- [ Groans ] I can't wait till we're teenagers.
Then we'll be happy.
Well, we could play Clam Traffic Jam.
Or The Game of County Seats.
Aw, the zoning disk is warped.
All right! Silly String! [ Laughs ] Look.
You're Milhouse.
Who wets their bed now, Milhouse? [ Laughs ] I'll be in my room It's got to be something fun in my parents closets You want to dress up like ladies? Uh, wouldn't that make us kind of fruity? What's the matter? Scared you might like it? I'll show you who's scared.
Oh, wow.
This really hides my thighs.
[ Purrs ] [ Both Laughing ] [ Together] Sisters are doing it for themselves - [ Knocking ] - [ Homer] Hey, why is this door locked? - Oh, no.
It's Dad.
[ Groans ] - [ Bone Cracks ] [ Groans ] [ Gasps ] What's going on? And I want a non gay explanation! Uh, we're drunk.
Really drunk.
- Oh, thank God! - [ Groaning ] - [ Beeping ] - Clear.
Why are you doing that? Oh, it's good for the batteries.
Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx.
[ All Laughing ] Sorry.
How long will he take to recover? He'll have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time.
But don't worry, son.
It fits snuggly under your clothes.
Do all these people have to watch me? Now, son, this is a teaching hospital which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window.
- Oh, my.
Oh, now that's something.
- He should exercise more.
[ Grunting ] Uh, little help.
[ Skinner] Bart, stop fooling around.
Principal Skinner, I thought public schools were required to have access ramps for the disabled.
Technically, yes, but the building costs would be astronomical.
Did I hear the word ''astronomical''? If so, my construction outfit, Valdazo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help.
No, no, no, no.
We're not building anything.
How can you say that when construction has already begun? - [ Tires Screech ] - [Jackhammer Rounding ] How did those trucks get here so fast? In order to avoid certain legal complications, the trucks are always rolling.
- Now for the groundbreaking ceremony.
- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] [Jackhammer Rounding ] Good Lord.
Do we really need all those ramps? Who's to say? Does a peacock need all those feathers? - Look.
You're getting a little philosophical for me.
- I suppose so.
They say it happens in the autumn years.
- Be that as it may- - Get your hand off my car.
- [ Whimpers ] - [ Squeaks ] This is a proud day.
Now, when people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975 I can say, ''We are closer than ever before!'' [ Cheering ] Thank you.
To inaugurate our ramp system here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson.
I'm proud of you, boy.
- What the- - Bart, where's your wheelchair? Don't need it anymore.
Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever.
[ Grunting ] Ta-da! Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.
My God! The whole thing's made of breadsticks! And paint and shellac.
It's all itemized in this bill.
$200,000? Are you mad? I don't get mad.
I get stabby.
[ Grumbles ] The good news is we need no longer fear vicious mob reprisals.
[ Horn Honks ] But due to lack of funds, Springfield Elementary is closed forever.
[ All ] Yea! Oh, you're cheering now.
But someday you'll- Yea! - I'm just gonna stop trying.
- Yea! - [ Chattering ] - How could you close the school? - What will become of our kids? - Where are the refreshments? You keep asking me that, and I keep telling you over there.
[ Clears Throat ] As for the school we are exploring various options to raise the $200,000 we need.
I've got a motor home I never use.
Maybe we should raffe it off.
- Maybe you should shut up.
- Well, I- Okay.
We could try selling liquor.
Uh, I'm doing great.
Please, sir.
Put some shoes on.
What? You don't like my bags? [ Groans ] People, these are all good ideas- No, they're not.
They're terrible, terrible ideas.
You're right.
It's hopeless.
No one has that kind of money.
What about Mr.
Burns? Maybe he'll help us out.
Forget it.
He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door.
Feed the Children.
Save the Whales.
Even Release the Hounds.
Uh, well, maybe we can pry open his wallet with a slick, professional pitch.
A school play! Welcome to the world premiere of The Nice Man Giveth.
- [ Groans ] Focus! - It's a play, sir.
Hmm.
Which one of these is the salt? Too bad I'm an idiot 'cause my school closed.
Oh, well.
No! That's the rat poison! And freeze.
Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth? Oh, it could be anyone.
Even Mr.
Burns.
This play really speaks to me.
[ Imitating Siren Wailing ] I can't take Mr.
Burns to the ''hospital'' 'cause I'm too dumb to read a map.
Oh, why did my school have to close? - Hmm.
- [ Wheels Squeaking ] Hello.
I'm Dr.
Stupid.
I'm going to take out your liver bones.
[ Grunts ] Oops.
You're dead.
I never liked that Dr.
Stupid.
- Mr.
Burns, I'll be honest.
We had a hidden agenda tonight.
- [ Gasps ] No.
The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school.
Charity, eh? Yes.
I'd be more than happy to- [ All Screaming, Groaning ] Oh, it's doing that thing again.
[ Man Announcing ] We now return to DÃ³nde EstÃ¡ Justice.
El Ford Escort que me vendiÃ³ es un limÃ³n.
No, no, no, no.
No es un limÃ³n.
Es un carro fuerte.
Hmm.
LimÃ³n.
Fuerte.
LimÃ³n.
Fuerte.
LimÃ³n- ;Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! ;.
Mi estÃ³mago! [ Groans ] Daytime TV is muy estÃºpido.
Hey, our school's on TV.
Springfield elementary has reopened its doors.
[ Both Gasp ] I'm with Jim Hope of Kid First Industries which has generously stepped in to educate our children.
That's right, Kent.
You know, when public schools drop the ball it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone.
Will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators? Very much so, Kent.
But they've already received an extremely generous severance package.
Valencia? [ Scoffs ] These are juice oranges.
Howdy, children.
I'd like to welcome you back to school.
- [ All ] Boo! - You know what? I agree.
- [ All ] Wha- - Your old school was boring.
That's why it failed, right? Well, we're not gonna make you memorize facts and dates.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna find out what you really love in life and teach to that.
- What are you passionate about, partner? - Boogers.
[ All Laughing ] Boogers! [ Laughs ] That was great.
- You know, humor is a sign of intelligence.
- You're not mad? Hey, I'm here to make sure that you get a kick out of education.
- Hi-yah! - [ All Cheering ] He's rekindled my love affair with books.
- [ Thumping ] - [ Bart Grunting ] [ Grunting ] Check it out.
I'm breaking books at a sixth grade level.
- [ Grunts ] - Get 'em, boy.
Hit those smart-ass books.
Why don't you kick some books, Lisa? Bart broke all my books.
You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
Boy, that sounds fun.
I know.
But I'm still not gonna do it.
Since Christmas is coming soon, I thought we could talk about our favorite toys.
Milhouse, what have you got there? My busy box.
It's got everything.
Vroom, vroom, vroom! I'm calling Daddy.
Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age.
What are you talking about? Oh, geez.
How about the rest of you? What do you like about those toys of yours? - They're special.
- They're challenging.
[ ''Pop Goes The Weasel'' Intro Repeating ] Very good.
Now I want you all to imagine the perfect toy.
- What would it be like? - It should be soft and cuddly.
- Yeah.
With lots of firepower.
- Its eyes should be telescopes.
No.
Periscopes.
No.
Microscopes! Can you come back to me? It should be full of surprises.
- It should never stop dancing.
- [ Martin ] It should need accessories.
Now that's market research you can take to the bank- the money bank.
I just wish those second-graders would stop jerking us around.
- Fun toys are fun.
- Well said, Ralph.
But we're trying to come up with a name for a toy.
- Mrs.
Fun? - Not bad.
- Fun? - Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you an ''F.
'' The before teacher yelled at me too.
No one's yelling.
We're just brainstorming names.
Lisa, any ideas? Oh.
Uh, a name with fun? Um, Fungus, Funzo, Attila the Fun.
- Lisa, are you doing math? - Uh,just a few Venn diagrams.
There's more under her chair.
[ Chuckles ] Lisa in trouble.
Ha! The ''ironing'' is delicious.
- The word is ''irony.
'' - Huh? Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil from Marketing.
Alls I know is I'm gettin' straight A's, and that ain't not bad.
- [ Laughs ] - That's not funny.
Huh? [ Gasps ] They're spying on us.
Why would they do that? - [ Computerized Male Voice] I see you.
- [ Gasps ] Give me a hug.
[ Screams ] This better be important, Lisa.
I left Ralphie alone in the bathtub.
[ Ralph ] Daddy, I'm ready to get out now.
Over.
This broom closet is not what it seems.
It's a secret surveillance room guarded by a tiny evil robot.
[ Groans ] Is this gonna be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everything's normal and we think you're crazy, but then there really is a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled on a weather vane? Is that what this is, Lisa? To be fair, not all evil robots are killers.
Listen, when you see what's inside this- [ Gasps ] I don't understand.
I could swear it was right here.
Yeah, right, mop top.
And I'm Ed Sullivan.
[ Clears Throat ] ''Really big show.
'' No, no.
I can do it better.
[ Imitating Ed Sullivan ] ''Really big show.
Really big.
'' That's it.
[ Imitating Ed Sullivan ] ''Really big show.
Really big.
'' That's it.
Hello folks! That's the end of Krusty's Non- Denominational Holiday Funfest I want to thank my guests, TÃ©a Leoni - Beck- - ?? [ Hip-hop Drumbeat ] - The Dixie Chicks- - Merry Christmas, y'all.
and Patrick Ewing as the genie.
So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah ''kwazy'' Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet and a solemn, dignified Ramadan.
Now a word from my god, our sponsor.
- [ Computerized Male Voice] I see you.
- [ Gasps ] - Aw! - Give me a hug.
[ Gasps ] That's the doll that attacked me.
[ Man Announcing ] This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo.
''Funzo''? I said that name in class.
- Funzo's soft and cuddly.
- With lots of firepower.
- Ow.
[ Groans ] - Yes! Ha-ha! [ Announcer] Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'.
Mom, I know what I want for Christmas.
Bart, they lied to us.
Instead of giving us an education they tricked us into designing a toy.
- Aren't you outraged? - No.
- But if you're gonna throw a spaz, I'll come with.
- Good.
Saddle up the bikes.
[ Electricity Crackling ] Get down.
Security guard.
Hey.
It's Gary Coleman.
But the menu said ''galaxy of prawns.
'' Three prawns are hardly a galaxy.
What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr.
Quan.
- I want to see how this turns out.
- The phone's not even plugged in.
All right.
You listen to me, Quan.
Hang on.
I got another call.
Yes, Mr.
President.
I can be in Washington right away.
You people took advantage of trusting school children.
How did you get past Gary Coleman? Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy.
[ Shouting ] I'm sorry, Gary.
There's no longer a place for you here.
What you talkin' about, Miss Nagel? That is so adorable.
You're rehired.
Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about.
[ Snoring ] Lisa, I know you're mad, but just for a damn minute try to see this from a product positioning standpoint.
Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children for children, with all the profits going to children.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, we're all somebody's children.
But hey, we did screw you a little.
So here's a free Funzo.
- Deal! Ha.
- Oh, brother.
And I want Funzo's Dream Fortress Funzo's Lower Back Pain Chair Funzo's European Voltage Converter- - Why not get three? - [ Gasps ] Three it is.
Thanks, Funzo.
You rock.
All righty.
[ Dance ] It's always a party with Funzo.
I admit it's kind of cute.
But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.
[ Stops ] [ Gasps ] Did you see that? Yeah.
Funzo makes playtime fun! [ Krusty's Voice ] Hey, kids.
It's- [ Groaning ] Hey.
Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.
- You mean like Microsoft? - Exactly.
Come on, Bart.
We've gotta warn everyone.
[ Dance Music, Vocalizing ] Boycott Funzo! He's a toy-killing machine! [ Chuckles ] That shy little imp? I have a flower for 'ou.
- [ All ] Aw.
- Oh, man.
I gotta get me one of those.
Hey, I'm not waiting till the store opens.
[ All Shouting ] Wow.
Only 22 seconds from muttering to door smash.
That projects to a profit of $370 million.
I'd still sleep a little easier if I saw some trampling.
- [ All Shouting ] - Ow, ow, ow! Hey! Ow! Now why would you wear cleats to a store? [ Glasses Clink ] Well, I guess that's it.
Come Christmas Eve, there'll be a Funzo under every tree.
Unless- - So who am I beating up? - Nobody.
You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
Thus saving Christmas.
Now let's see.
This'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined.
- Two were kind of a draw.
- Dad.
Dad, you're driving on the sidewalk.
- Oh! Sorry.
- [ Cat Screeches ] [ Doorbell Rings ] Joy to the world The Lord is come ? Let earth receive her king - [ BellJingles ] - ? Let every ?? Season's greetings.
- Peace out.
[ Doorbell Rings ] Silent night - [ Loud Crash ] - [ Singing Louder] ? Holy night ? - [ Screaming ] - ? All is calm ? All is bright Rou- [ Dance ] - All righty.
Writhing Funzos in my sack Makes me happy Makes me hurt my back Just dump 'em in the fire, Dad.
Yes.
The madness ends here.
Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.
[ Grunting ] - [ All Whirring ] - ?? [ Dance ] I'm very mad at 'ou.
[ Groans ] [ All Gasp ] Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster.
[ Gasps ] Please, Mr.
Coleman.
We can explain.
- I'm listening.
- Your toy company is evil.
Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy? Are you saying the end justifies the means? That's a very glib interpretation.
Hey! Don't talk to my sister that way.
No, Bart.
He's right.
I did oversimplify.
Perhaps.
But let's not get bogged down in semantics.
I think what Lisa meant to say is- [ Man Narrating ] And so, Gary Coleman and the Simpsons argued long into the night.
And then, as day broke the spirit of the season entered their hearts.
Let's just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is, at best, a mixed blessing.
Amen.
- Indeed.
Amen.
- Yeah.
Amen.
Love! Hey.
Look out! [ Shouts ] Well, there's something you don't see every Christmas.
Hey.
It is Christmas.
We better get home.
Hey, Dad.
What do you think of- [ Whispering ] Um, uh, Mr.
Coleman, I've been thinking.
Uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet ''potaters'' and all.
And- Oh, heck.
Would you like to spend Christmas with us? No way.
I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house.
- Gary.
- All right.
I'll come.
[ Narrator] And Gary Coleman was as good as his word.
As for old Mr.
Burns, he was visited by three ghosts during the night and agreed to fund the school with some money he found in his tuxedo pants.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Humbug.
[ Narrator] While Moe, seeing what the world would be like if he had never been born pulled his head out of the oven and replaced it with a plump Christmas goose.
[ Grunts ] Happy holidays there.
[ All ] Merry Christmas, Moe.
Uh, listen.
I kind of banged up that Jeep in the driveway.
What you talkin' about, Moe? [ All Laughing ] What you talkin' 'bout, everyone? - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Little Big Mom
The Simpsons s11e10 Episode Script
Little Big Mom
[Chorus] The Simpsons LITTLE BIG MOM [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Itchy And Scratchy Show Mmm.
[ Clicks Tongue ] [ Sobbing ] He was so young.
[ Sobbing ] Oh, so sad.
Oh.
Whoo.
Hey.
[ Chuckles, Sighs ] - Hey.
- Ahh.
[ Chuckles ] [ Laughing ] [ Panting ] [ Screaming ] [Laughing] [ Laughing Continues ] Okay.
Here goes.
[ Floor Creaking ] Cloning is a troubling issue.
I like the ones where the mouse kills the cat.
What's in the box, Mom?.
- This box?.
Oh, nothing.
- Are you sure?.
You sound nervous.
Well, anyone would be nervous with all the economic turmoil you read about in the- Get her! She's doing something! [ Grunts ] - It's the Goodwill truck! - [ Gasps ] She cleaned out the attic! Our junk! And the exits are sealed! Go to plan "B"! - [ Grunts ] - [ Both Grunting ] [ Grunts ] Come on! [ Panting ] [ Gasps ] Go! Go! I'm trying! Stop yelling at me! [Tires Squealing] Oh, no, you don't! [ Grunts ] Oh, precious heirlooms, Daddy would never let them take you.
[ Grunting ] [ Sighs ] Oh, that was scary.
We came this close to losing our spare Christmas tree stand.
You monster! Look! Here's the box for my Pitch Back.
Ifl still had it, I could put it in here! Oh, I'll never get rid of this useless junk.
Useless?.
This flash cube has two flashes left.
You guys never use any of this stuff.
Look at these.
You bought them after the Nagano Olympics and never skied once.
- Ifyou would just stop being so impulsive, maybe- - Hey, let's go skiing right now! - Yeah, Dad, let's go! - Whoo-hoo! - Now, now, now! Yeah, Dad! - No! Okay, here it comes.
Keep your eyes on the chair.
- Look, Dad.
It's the drummer from Bread.
- [ Gasps ] Where?.
- [ Screams ] - [ Bart Laughing] [ Whimpering ] Ohh! Ahh.
This chair lift sure goes high Oh, finally.
- [ Wind Whistling] - [ Marge Groans ] Some gentle rocking will relax you, Mom.
- Stop it! - [ Chuckles ] See, Mom?.
You conquered your fears and now you're ready to- I'm sorry! Hmm.
The Widowmaker.
No, that one's for the ladies.
Spinebuster? Boring.
Whoo!.
Colostomizer!.
Hey, don't hurt me! Here's my wallet! [ Chuckles ] Hi-diddly-ho, schuss-in-boots! [ Gasps ] Flanders?.
That suit's a little revealing, isn't it?.
Well, it allows for maximum mobility.
- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all.
- [ Shouts ] Quit it! Must wash eyes! Uh-oh.
Ooh.
Okay, don't panic.
Remember what the instructor said.
If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all.
Nothin' at all.
Nothin' at all.
[Yelps ] Stupid sexy Flanders! - [ Bone Cracks ] - Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever! Ow! Ohh! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh! [ Sobbing ] [Whimpering ] [ Screaming ] Single.
[ Chuckles ] [ Panting ] So hard, but so rewarding.
[ Chuckles ] Downhill skiers missing fun- Oh, who am I kidding?.
Wow! What a perfect scene.
This was so worth it.
Don't worry, little friends.
I won't hurtyou.
[ Growling ] - Eep! - [ All Growling ] [ Screams ] - Whoa! - [ Growling ] - Leave those deer alone! - But theywere trying to eat me.
[ Chuckles ] Those deer?.
- But they- - Come on.
I'll dropyou off at the lodge.
[ All Growling ] Whoa! Fat 540! - I'm gettin' agro on this kicker! - Stomp that pickle revert! Excellent.
Your lingo is progressing nicely.
- Can I go to the bathroom?.
- Uh-uh! Say it in snowboard.
- Um, I gotta blast a dookie.
- Dook on! Snow fox at 5 O' Clock Move it in, shove it out Disco lady - Is this seat taken?.
- Uh, I think that's an armrest.
So, doyou party?.
You mean like, uh, hats and noisemakers kind of party?.
Sure, baby.
Whateve ryour trip is.
Disco Stu wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.
- Who's Disco Stu?.
- [Together] Hey, Mom! - Hi, pumpkins! - Kids! Back away, not today Disco lady - Have you been in here all day?.
- You missed all the fun.
Skiing fanny first into a crevasse isn't my idea of fun.
The only risk I'm taking is running out of marshmallows.
[ Laughs ] - Ow! - Somebody get a doctor! - [ Both Panting ] - Oh, man.
Another clock accident.
No wonder.
Look at this.
[ Both Grunting ] - That ought to hold it.
- [ Creaks ] I want my wife to get the best treatment money can buy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't go nuts.
Uh, better than that.
Perfect.
- [ Engine Starts ] - [ Siren Wailing] Yeesh! I can't believe she went home with those guys.
Well, as you can see, it's a compound fracture.
The leg must remain motionless.
Otherwise, a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain.
[ Chuckles ] I can't be in the hospital.
Tomorrow is laundry day.
And I've gotta de-meat Lisa's bologna.
We'll be fine, honey.
The main thing is for you to get better.
And don't worry.
All the laundry and dirty dishes will be there when you get back.
No, they won't.
We'll all pitch in on the housework.
Right, guys?.
Guys?.
- [ Laughs ] Get that! Whoo-hoo! - Hey! Hey! Sweetie, it's nice that you want to take charge around the house, but don't be a hero.
Just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp.
But not the good tarp.
I want you to get married on that someday.
Oh, Mom.
I've seen what you do around the house, and I can handle it.
Maybe I can even make things more efficient.
Oh, really?.
Well, knock yourself out.
Just don't expect any miracles from those two.
Good Lord Your are wasting thousands of dollar worth of interferon And you're "interferon" with our good time.
[ Laughs ] Well, I'll be.
That cured my canker sores.
[ Yawns ] Morning.
Dad, where are your clothes?.
I don't know.
Don't tell me Mom dresses you.
I guess.
Or one of her friends.
[ Chomping ] - [ Paper Rustling ] - Okay.
Now we're gonna draw jobs from the chore hat.
Come on, bikini inspector.
Scrub toilet?.
Okay, that was a practice.
Practice.
Practice.
Okay, here we go.
- Feed fish.
- I'll supervise.
- The reason for the hat- - Oh, it's a great hat.
No one's questioning the hat.
Will you at least do the dishes?.
Lisa, I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice.
See, there it is.
But that was a practice.
The system worked.
Come on.
Eat, you lazy fish.
- [Horn Honks ] - Oh, you're gonna be late! Here are your lunches.
And no trading your fruit for firecrackers.
Oh! But Lenny just got some bottle rockets.
You stay away from Lenny.
And where's your sweater, Bart?.
- It unraveled on a nail.
- That's not true.
He left it on the bus.
- You're dead, squealer! - Ah, Lisa! Help! [ Chuckles ] Those boys of mine.
Mrs.
Simpson! What areyou doing?.
I couldn't sleep knowing that window had a smudge on it.
You're here to rest.
If you want the window cleaned,just push the call button.
Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Wouldn't bother us.
It just turns up your morphine.
Oh, so it does.
Stop pushing that! Mr.
Sakamoto is here for your acupressure.
Now, Mrs.
Simpson, just lie back and relax.
Mr.
Sakamoto wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.
Oh, I don't think I need any- Ooh.
Oh, wow.
- Okay, guys! Dinner's ready! - [ Footsteps Approaching] [ Chomping ] The cheese isn't quite melted.
Let me just pop it back in the- - [ Growls ] - Here you go.
Hmm.
[ Gasps ] Slivered almonds for the green beans.
I'll be right back.
[ Clanking ] - [ Belches ] - [ TV.
.
Fanfare ] - [Ends ] - So how was your day?.
Ohh.
[Flies Buzzing] - Bart, you were supposed to scour the pans.
- They need to soak.
You said that four days ago.
Look! They're rusted through.
- It's an illusion.
- No, it's not! - I got the groceries.
- Good.
Maple soda?.
A cell phone full of candy?.
- Astronaut bread?.
- It's the bread of astronauts.
I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal.
Dad, I gave you a list.
Oh, yeah.
[ Laughs ] You were way off.
- [ Groans ] - Hello?.
Lollipop Island?.
There's a little girl here who had too many sour balls.
- [ Groans ] - Anyway, where were we?.
Hello?.
Hello?.
They hung up.
- [Rings ] - Talk to me.
Hey, Mom! How's the leg?.
Leg?.
Oh! Oh, that.
It's pretty great.
- How are things at home?.
- Oh, couldn't be better.
- Marco.
- Polo.
- Marco.
- Polo.
- Marc- Ohh! - [Splash ] - [ Bart] Polo.
- So, Mom, you think you'll be getting out of there soon?.
I don't know, honey.
I've got a lot of therapy left.
- I really thought I could handle this, but- - I think so too.
Bye.
- [ Line Disconnects ] - Uhh.
- ["I Love Lucy Theme"] - [ Man On TV] Lucy! - [ Slap ] - [ Woman Crying ] - [ Man #2 ] You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.
- [ Laughing ] [Man #3 ] Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? - [ Rick]John Wayne? - [ Groaning ] Will you guys turn that thing down?.
Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?.
- [ Slap ] - [ Woman Crying] - [ Homer Laughing] He hit her again! - [ Grunts ] Stupid- A bunch of jerks- I can't believe it.
- Losing your marbles, huh, kid? - [ Screams ] - Lucy?.
- Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo Carmichael.
[ Coughs ] And I think there's some more.
- What are you doing here?.
- I came from heaven to help you get revenge on these bums.
Is there an ashtray around here?.
- Will this do?.
- Thanks, doll.
Now we need a scheme to teach those slobs a lesson.
You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky?.
Hey! Stay away from the drums! That's my bit.
- [ Fingers Snap ] - I got it.
Here's whatyou do.
Wait until they fall asleep.
Then you sneak into their rooms and make sure they're fast asleep because- [ Stairs Creak] [ Snoring ] [ Snickers ] [ Snores ] - [Homer Screams ] -[Bart] My skin! My beautiful skin! [ Chuckling ] - [ Homer] Lisa, help! - [ Both Screaming ] Oh.
What's wrong with us?.
Oh, I don't like the looks of this.
- You don't?.
'Cause that's what I said.
Tell her, Bart.
- Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor.
Welcome to Virtual Doctor.
From the makers of Dragon Quest and Sim Sandwich.
[ Both ] Enter symptoms now.
- Let's see.
Crusty sores.
- Yes.
- Horrible wailing.
- Yes! Yes! Any exposure to unsanitary conditions?.
Duh! We're pigs! Okay.
And diagnose.
You've got leprosy.
[ Both ] Leprosy! [ Both Screaming ] [ Together] Unclean! Unclean! Help us, Virtual Doc.
Look at me.
I'm on my knees.
Good-bye.
[ Both Whimpering ] Excellent.
Leprosy! I can't believe it! That fortune cookie was right! Why would God punish a kid?.
I mean, an American kid?.
Now, guys, leprosy thrives in filthy conditions.
So your only chance is to clean up the house.
- I'll get you a couple of mops.
- Mops?.
The cure sounds worse than the disease.
At Sunday school, they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude.
-Jesus?.
- Yeah, that sounds right.
I think we're on the outs with him.
But I know someone who's even holier than Jesus.
[Doorbell: Hymn ] Hi-diddly-ho.
I- Oh! [ Both Groaning ] Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties! - Help us.
- We're diseased.
Oh, no.
That's leprosy.
Remember those scary lepers in Ben-Hur? - You saw Ben-Hur without me?.
- We were broken up then.
- Well, that's no- - [ Both Scream ] [ Homer, Bart ] Brains.
Brains.
- Use your brains to help us.
Your delicious brains.
- [ Bart Groans ] Oh, those poor souls.
What's the Christian thing to do?.
Oh, thankyou.
Thankyou.
Thankyou, you wonderful man.
- [ Kissing ] - [ Groaning ] All right! Food! - [ Chomping ] - [Whimpering ] Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd.
Hereyou go, lad.
Todd, no! [ Explosion ] Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you but we're not really set up for lepers.
Soyou're shunning us.
No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm just thinking we could send you to a better place.
You know, a place where they could really take care of you.
Oh, thankyou, good sir! [ Kiss ] [ Groans, Screams ] Ooh, that smarts.
Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol.
Marge, we'll just get this cast off and you can go home to- - Oh, my Lord! - Well, it has been a week.
Code blue! A thousand c.
c.
's of leg wax! Stat! Lazy, no-good lepers.
Making me clean everything myself.
- [ Rings ] - [ Moe ] Hey, uh, is Homer there?.
No, he isn't.
I don't know where he is.
I'm a little worried.
He usually stops in for an eye-opener on the way to work.
He told us he'd been going to the gym.
[ Chuckles ] Wow.
Anyway, you don't think he could be at another bar, do you?.
Because I couldn't take that.
I- I just couldn't.
I- [ Sobbing ] [ Sobbing Continues ] Don't hang up on me.
I'm home, everybody! Gee, the house looks great.
- Mom, I lost Dad and Bart.
- Lost them?.
What do you mean?.
I tricked them into thinking they had leprosy.
Hansen's disease.
You know, like that horrible cream soda.
Well, Dad and Bart ran away, and no one seems to know where they went.
Okay.
Okay.
Calm down.
They couldn't have gone too far.
- Molokai?.
- You mean Hawaii?.
Mm-hmm.
That's the one.
They've got a top-notch leper colony there so we shipped 'em right off.
Cost us a bundle too.
I guess we'll have an imagination Christmas this year.
[ Together] Yea! Imagination Christmas! - I got a pogo stick.
- I got a hula hoop.
Ew! Ew! - Whoa! This is a hospital?.
- That it is.
[Birds Chirping] We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters then watch some gay guys get married.
- Ah, you must be the Simpsons.
- Howdy.
And thanks for not recoiling in horror.
- Thankyou for the friendly howdy.
- Can we get a room with a view?.
Oh, you'll have a great view of the whole beach from the electric needle room.
- Really?.
The whole beach?.
- Yes.
From the electric needle room.
Electric needle room?.
[ Dolphins Calling ] - [Electricity Crackles ] - [ Homer Screaming] - [ Continues ] - Glad that's not me.
- [ Dings ] - Time to turn over.
Here they are.
Oh, thank God you're all right.
Dad, Bart, I played a horrible trick on you, and I'm really sorry.
You don't have leprosy.
It's just oatmeal.
- Yeah, we know.
- I figured it out after I ate one of my chest sores.
Well, then let's get out of here.
- No way.
We scored a free Hawaiian vacation.
- This place is a blast.
All we have to do is endure two hours of blinding pain.
Then it's nothing but shopping and surfing.
Tonight we're gonna put our fake sores back on then jump the fence at Club Med and scare the normals.
Well, it all sounds lovely, but- Come on.
Loosen up.
This is paradise.
[ Man ] Number one, report to the dermabrasion hut.
That's me.
Do do do do, Da da da da [Homer] Aloha- - [Electricity Crackles ] - [ Homer Screams ] - Aloha- Ow! - [ Electricity Crackles ] Until we meet a- Until we meet a- - [ Electricity Crackles ] - [ Screams ] [ End Theme: Hawaiian ] - [ Murm uri ng ] - Shh! [ Man ] You hit herpretty hard there, Rick.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  The Mansion Family
The Simpsons s11e12 Episode Script
The Mansion Family
[Chorus ] # The Simpsons # THE MANSION FAMILY [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching] D'oh! [ Screams ] - Mm-mmm! - Hmm! - Hello, I 'm Kent Brockman.
- [ Light Applause ] - And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.
- [ Loud Applause, Cheering ] - And I'm Kent Brockman! - [ Lone Cough ] - With Britney Spears! - [ Loud Applause, Cheering ] And we're here to present the- - 65th- - Annual- - Spring- - field- - Pride A- - wards! Tonight we'll be recognizing outstanding members of- - the- - Springfield community.
This is my year, Marge.
Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great.
I don't know.
There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.
Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend- a man who brings laughter and joy - to the children of Springfield.
- [ Gasps ] - With his big, red nose and baggy pants.
- Krusty the Clown! - Hey, hey! - What?.
- Who are you?.
- Seat filler.
Aw! Hm! Everyone gets an award but me.
I can't help it if I donated the most blood.
Ohh.
I 'm feeling kinda woozy.
[ Groans ] - Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?.
- You won a Grammy.
I mean an award that's worth winning! You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture we sometimes forget that older people are still alive.
- I told ya! - Well, sorry! And that's why our final award honors a man who's lived in Springfield for a hundred and eight years.
- Our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman.
- [Applause ] [ Britney] Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield.
and introduced the toothbrush to our fair city.
[ Scattered Murmuring ] Hey! Not bad! [ Kent Brockman ] Forty years, he was Springfield's only basketball player - but he still managed to entertain the crowds - [ Cheering ] [ Brittney] In the market crash of 1929 he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.
- You' re doing the right thing.
Oh, oh! Out you go! - Ohh! - [ Chuckles ] My, you're a big one.
No, no turning back now.
- Yaah! Off a tall building- That's a great way to do it! And in 1935, our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long.
[ Groaning ] No-o-o! And now, Springfield's oldest citizen- he is, like, totally venerable- Cornelius Chapman! - [Applause, Cheers ] - Mm-whaa! - [ Groaning ] - [Audience Exclaiming] - ## [ Rim Shot ] - Well, guess we should've expected that.
Well, this award has to go to somebody.
Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up?.
Over 80.
Ninety.
One hundred years old.
? - Homer, sit down! - What's that, sonny?.
- [ Marge Groans ] - [ Applause, Cheers ] - [ Marge Groans ] - [ Applause, Cheers ] Uh- This is so sudden Da- Uh- Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow! [ Straining ] Boy, he didn't want to let go of that! [ Laughing ] Now, let's see.
I- I don't have a speech prepared.
But, uh, abra-cadaver! "Thank you all so much.
"I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to the-" "Puppies.
" "Patriotism.
" "Bluebirds.
" [ Blows Raspberry ] - I'm not reading this drivel.
This speech is over.
- [Applause Smattering] [ Orchestra ] [ Grunting ] Well, that was a great night for us all.
That's not an award.
That's part of the set.
Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.
[ Groaning ] [ Sighs ] Now that I'm the town's oldest man I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore.
I have to start taking better care of myself.
You know, I haven't had a "medicine" checkup in ages.
Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world.
I 'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.
Very well.
But I'll need someone to watch my house.
Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?.
Homer Simpson, sir?.
- Yes! The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.
- [ Groans ] Now, if the house catches fire - I want you to call this number.
- Uh-huh.
The fire department.
- Yes.
They're new, but they're good.
- Sir, we should get going.
Don't worry about a thing! We'll take good care of your house! Look at me! I'm a billionaire! Aa-aahh-ohh! Oof!.
- I forgot my- - [ Chuckles ] Good Lord! This bedroom is as big as our house! And the bed never needs to be made.
Check it out.
- Heh-heh! [ Gasps ] - Hmm.
Seems a little wasteful.
Wasteful and.
practical.
A mechanical dressing delay.
Watch this, Marge.
- [ Whirring, Clanking ] - Ooh! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh, no! No! - [ Bell Dings ] - Now I'm ready to hit the town.
Huh.
Uh.
Mm-hmm! [ Chuckles ] [ Rattling, Clicks ] - Close that door! - Aah! Wow.
He's got every Nancy Drew even the controversial Clue in the Clock.
Tsk-tsk-tsk.
So many swears.
[ Panting ] I 'm Al Unser J r.
!.
- [ Whinnying ] - I 'm Princess Margaret! I 'm drunk! [ Slurred Groan ] It's nothing serious.
Just lay off the chili, and you should be fine.
- [ Chuckling ] - Don't you laugh, Fidel.
I've been in the car with you.
Let's see.
"Social Security number.
" Naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two.
Damn Roosevelt! "Cause of parents' death.
" Got in my way.
[ Owl Hooting] Mom! Bart's making faces at me! I think.
[ Loudly ] Look how loud I have to yell! This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes.
Hmm.
I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with this one?.
[ British Accent ] Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Homer, watch your la- Ohh! That's a lifesaver.
Man, this is livin'.
[ Groans ] Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians Like Bill "Crosby" and David "Letterson.
" [ Humming ] Oops, forgot to swirl it.
Homer, did you jimmy open Mr.
Burns' liquor cabinet?.
"J jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
[ Lascivious Purr] - But house-sitting is a sacred- Hey! - [ Marge ] Stop swirling, Homer! Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me.
Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody.
[ Gulping, Swishing ] And another thing! If I have- [ Glass Pings ] Operator, get me Thailand.
T-I- and so on.
- Homer, who are you calling?.
- Everybody! I found Burnsie's address book.
I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt and then I called the queen of England and asked her how it was going'.
- And.
then I- - Well, don't run up Mr.
Burns' phone bill.
Just a second, Marge.
Hello?.
Thailand?.
How's everything on your end?.
Uh-huh.
That's some language you got there.
And you talk like that 24-7, huh?.
- Hey! - Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house.
- You're not a billionaire.
- Gee.
Way to burst my bubble, Marge.
All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable.
Mr.
Burns will be back tomorrow.
Marge, you're right.
We do have to have a party! Party?.
No! No parties! - What about par-tay?.
- No par-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies - no mixers, no raves, no box socials.
- Damn! And I looked so good on that bike.
[ Sneers ] Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything every disease on this chart.
Fine.
We'll just start by drawing some blood.
Well, isn't that odd?.
It's like poking through meringue.
Oh, try this arm.
I saw some blood in there the other day.
[ Inhales Deeply, Blows ] - Come on.
Keep blowing.
- [ Panicked Yelping ] - [ Bell Dings ] - Okay.
Twelve centimeters.
Excellent.
I'm a big boy.
[ Whirring ] [ Screech, Buzzing ] - There's your problem.
- [ Moans Faintly ] - [ Growls ] - ## [ Moe Humming ] Havin' a party, Moe.
I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.
How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings?.
Mmm.
Danish.
Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till 2:00 p.
m.
on account of it's Sunday.
Huh?.
If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doin' here?.
Huh?.
Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky.
When it gets to here, we can drink again.
- But I need that beer now! - Sorry, 2:00 p.
m.
Or you can steal a boat and sail out to international waters.
Heh! - What's that, a theme park?.
- No, the ocean.
Once you get 1 2 miles out, there's no laws at all.
That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight.
[ Homer] They were so drunk! Gentlemen, get off your knees.
Your rich Uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen! - And you're invited.
- Yeah! - All right! [ All Clamoring ] Oh, no, you don't! I'm not gonna let you trash Mr.
Burns's yacht.
Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity just in case I never become a real billionaire.
Oh, Homie.
I don't care if you're a billionaire.
I love you just because you're- - Hey! There's another way to get on the boat! - Whoo-hoo! [ Laughing ] Propellers! Spinning! Turn! Left! Boat go there! [ Passengers Cheering ] Don't worry, Mom.
I'm sure he'll be okay.
The boat's going sideways! [ Homer] Ship's ahoy! Well done, Mr.
Lenny.
Well done.
Homer, have we hit international waters yet?.
Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
I can't sell you beer till we cross the line! Legally, you could give us free beer.
- Ow! - Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?.
Hey! [ Snickers ] Sucker! Ow! We made it, son.
International waters- the land that law forgot.
[ Giggling, Chattering ] [ Whooping, Shouting ] - ;Ha, toro! - [ Bull Bellowing ] Wow! You can do anything out here.
That's right.
See that ship over there?.
They're rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent not express written consent, or so the legend goes.
Arr, I now pronounce ya man and cow.
[ Mooing ] Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing.
Yarr! There are no laws! We can do anything we want! Anything! Ow! Ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny! Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests.
You may shake my hand if you like.
- Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
- Eh?.
Mr.
Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States.
You have everything.
- You mean, I have pneumonia?.
- Yes.
-Juvenile diabetes?.
- Yes.
- Hysterical pregnancy?.
- Uh, a little bit, yes.
You also have several diseases that have just been discovered- in you.
I see.
You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes?.
- Uh, no.
No, I'm afraid not.
- Well, this sounds like bad news.
Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance.
- Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
- Well- Here is the door to your body.
You see?.
And these are oversized novelty germs.
Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer.
[ Laughs ] Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[ Whooping Like Curly, Speaking Like Moe ] Move it, chowder head! We call it Three Stooges syndrome.
So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.
Oh, no, no.
In fact, even a slight breeze could- Indestructible.
[ Electrical Crackling ] Why are we cleaning this room?.
I don't think we were even in here.
Honey, we want Mr.
Burns to find this place exactly the way he left it.
[ Humming ] - Whoa! - [ Glass Squeaking ] - ## [ Humming ] - [ Whimpers ] - ##[ Disco ] - [ Laughing, Chattering ] [ Carl] Nice moves! Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics.
" They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
- Give it to him, boy! Give it to him! - [ Chittering ] Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! [ Chuckles ] Oh, he ain't pretty no more.
- [ Bell Ringing ] - [ Bullhorn Squawks ] Hey, Coast Guard! Try and stop us now, you lousy Americans.
[ Man, Amplified Voice ] We can't hear you! Come 300 feet closer! Nice try.
You're not gonna nail us.
But we just want to party.
Oh, really?.
Then play some rock music.
[ Iimitating Electric Guitar ] [Joins In ] Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do - [ Laughing, Cheering ] - Who's the greatest billionaire in the world?.
[ All ] You are! Looks like another homosexual party boat.
They always have such nice things.
Perhaps we should pay them a visit.
- A deadly visit?.
- Well, let's play it by ear.
- # Well, you're talking 'bout the China Grove, whoa-oh-oh # - [ Laughing, Chattering ] - # Oh, China Grove ## - Huh?.
[ Laughing ] [ Yelps ] Pirates! - Are you friendly pirates?.
- Uh, not really, no.
- Then what have you done with my party guests?.
- [ Panicked Yelps ] They got my bus pass! They got my bus pass! Whoa! They're poking every nook and cranny- well, every cranny anyway.
So far, the nook is relatively- [ Yelling ] Oh, no! No, it isn't! Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island a.
k.
a.
Hong Kong.
Aye, aye, Captain.
- [ Bullhorn Squawks ] - Help! Pirates! Navy SEALs are on the way.
- Oh, bless you! - How about a tactical nuclear strike?.
Oh, that would be just- Ohh.
You're just yanking my chain, aren't you?.
- Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.
- ## [ Horn, Mocking Tone ] - Enough! Get in the net.
- I don't want to! - [ Parrots Squawking ] - [ Grunting ] [ Chitters ] Aha-ha! Prepare to die! You too.
Aah! Rope burn! Oh! Oh! Charley horse! Charley horse! Aa-aah! Aah! My mouth! I, eh- I n the net, right?.
- Some party, Homer.
- Shut up, net-face.
- Hey, you're in the net too.
- I said, "Shut up, net-face"! Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much.
Honeydew is the money melon.
And now we will cut you loose.
For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.
[ All Screaming ] Hey, what do you know?.
It floats.
That was my plan all along.
Now relax, and the currents will take us home.
What about the people on the bottom?.
They're the greatest heroes of all.
Hey! Something's clawing at my leg! Okay, it stopped.
It looks great.
I can't believe we scrubbed that old-man smell out of a hundred and thirty-seven rooms.
Smithers old chum, there's nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health.
- Oh, and sorry about your news.
- Thank you, sir.
Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain?.
I prefer not to know.
Frankly, one is too many.
Echh! The foul stench of youth! Well, let's see.
Ming vase on narrow column not knocked down.
Priceless coins not used in vending machine.
Yes, not bad! Mr.
Burns Pirates caught your Yacht What! I realise though someone's absence is unavoidable [ Horrified Gasp ] Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face?.
Ohh, there, there.
- Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.
- [ Groans ] Ahh, it's good to be home.
I don't know.
After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
Nah, it's not so bad.
Here we can spit on the floor.
Bart, stop that! Now, we may not have antique furniture or priceless artwork but we have everything we need right here.
That's right Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have- [ Sobbing ] Oh, I can't even finish! I want to be rich! [ Sobbing Continues ] [ Sobbing Continues ] Like these guys! [ Wailing ] And.
Look at all these rich people here! Not as rich as they should.
be, of course, but still rich! [ Sobbing ] All the big money! Look at all the names that own money and.
have lots of money! [ Sobbing ] Oh, he 's poor.
But look at all the other people that aren 't p- Oh, look at all the people who could.
buty and.
sell me! I should.
send.
a list of these names to the I.
R.
S.
! I'm taking them all down! [ Sobbing ] Oh, look at all the rich people! [ Screaming ] Oh, look at that rich- - Shh! - Don 't shush me, you rich bastard.
!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  The Mansion Family
The Simpsons s11e12 Episode Script
The Mansion Family
[Chorus ] # The Simpsons # THE MANSION FAMILY [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching] D'oh! [ Screams ] - Mm-mmm! - Hmm! - Hello, I 'm Kent Brockman.
- [ Light Applause ] - And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.
- [ Loud Applause, Cheering ] - And I'm Kent Brockman! - [ Lone Cough ] - With Britney Spears! - [ Loud Applause, Cheering ] And we're here to present the- - 65th- - Annual- - Spring- - field- - Pride A- - wards! Tonight we'll be recognizing outstanding members of- - the- - Springfield community.
This is my year, Marge.
Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great.
I don't know.
There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.
Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend- a man who brings laughter and joy - to the children of Springfield.
- [ Gasps ] - With his big, red nose and baggy pants.
- Krusty the Clown! - Hey, hey! - What?.
- Who are you?.
- Seat filler.
Aw! Hm! Everyone gets an award but me.
I can't help it if I donated the most blood.
Ohh.
I 'm feeling kinda woozy.
[ Groans ] - Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?.
- You won a Grammy.
I mean an award that's worth winning! You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture we sometimes forget that older people are still alive.
- I told ya! - Well, sorry! And that's why our final award honors a man who's lived in Springfield for a hundred and eight years.
- Our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman.
- [Applause ] [ Britney] Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield.
and introduced the toothbrush to our fair city.
[ Scattered Murmuring ] Hey! Not bad! [ Kent Brockman ] Forty years, he was Springfield's only basketball player - but he still managed to entertain the crowds - [ Cheering ] [ Brittney] In the market crash of 1929 he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.
- You' re doing the right thing.
Oh, oh! Out you go! - Ohh! - [ Chuckles ] My, you're a big one.
No, no turning back now.
- Yaah! Off a tall building- That's a great way to do it! And in 1935, our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long.
[ Groaning ] No-o-o! And now, Springfield's oldest citizen- he is, like, totally venerable- Cornelius Chapman! - [Applause, Cheers ] - Mm-whaa! - [ Groaning ] - [Audience Exclaiming] - ## [ Rim Shot ] - Well, guess we should've expected that.
Well, this award has to go to somebody.
Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up?.
Over 80.
Ninety.
One hundred years old.
? - Homer, sit down! - What's that, sonny?.
- [ Marge Groans ] - [ Applause, Cheers ] - [ Marge Groans ] - [ Applause, Cheers ] Uh- This is so sudden Da- Uh- Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow! [ Straining ] Boy, he didn't want to let go of that! [ Laughing ] Now, let's see.
I- I don't have a speech prepared.
But, uh, abra-cadaver! "Thank you all so much.
"I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to the-" "Puppies.
" "Patriotism.
" "Bluebirds.
" [ Blows Raspberry ] - I'm not reading this drivel.
This speech is over.
- [Applause Smattering] [ Orchestra ] [ Grunting ] Well, that was a great night for us all.
That's not an award.
That's part of the set.
Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.
[ Groaning ] [ Sighs ] Now that I'm the town's oldest man I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore.
I have to start taking better care of myself.
You know, I haven't had a "medicine" checkup in ages.
Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world.
I 'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.
Very well.
But I'll need someone to watch my house.
Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?.
Homer Simpson, sir?.
- Yes! The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.
- [ Groans ] Now, if the house catches fire - I want you to call this number.
- Uh-huh.
The fire department.
- Yes.
They're new, but they're good.
- Sir, we should get going.
Don't worry about a thing! We'll take good care of your house! Look at me! I'm a billionaire! Aa-aahh-ohh! Oof!.
- I forgot my- - [ Chuckles ] Good Lord! This bedroom is as big as our house! And the bed never needs to be made.
Check it out.
- Heh-heh! [ Gasps ] - Hmm.
Seems a little wasteful.
Wasteful and.
practical.
A mechanical dressing delay.
Watch this, Marge.
- [ Whirring, Clanking ] - Ooh! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh, no! No! - [ Bell Dings ] - Now I'm ready to hit the town.
Huh.
Uh.
Mm-hmm! [ Chuckles ] [ Rattling, Clicks ] - Close that door! - Aah! Wow.
He's got every Nancy Drew even the controversial Clue in the Clock.
Tsk-tsk-tsk.
So many swears.
[ Panting ] I 'm Al Unser J r.
!.
- [ Whinnying ] - I 'm Princess Margaret! I 'm drunk! [ Slurred Groan ] It's nothing serious.
Just lay off the chili, and you should be fine.
- [ Chuckling ] - Don't you laugh, Fidel.
I've been in the car with you.
Let's see.
"Social Security number.
" Naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two.
Damn Roosevelt! "Cause of parents' death.
" Got in my way.
[ Owl Hooting] Mom! Bart's making faces at me! I think.
[ Loudly ] Look how loud I have to yell! This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes.
Hmm.
I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with this one?.
[ British Accent ] Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Homer, watch your la- Ohh! That's a lifesaver.
Man, this is livin'.
[ Groans ] Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians Like Bill "Crosby" and David "Letterson.
" [ Humming ] Oops, forgot to swirl it.
Homer, did you jimmy open Mr.
Burns' liquor cabinet?.
"J jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
[ Lascivious Purr] - But house-sitting is a sacred- Hey! - [ Marge ] Stop swirling, Homer! Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me.
Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody.
[ Gulping, Swishing ] And another thing! If I have- [ Glass Pings ] Operator, get me Thailand.
T-I- and so on.
- Homer, who are you calling?.
- Everybody! I found Burnsie's address book.
I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt and then I called the queen of England and asked her how it was going'.
- And.
then I- - Well, don't run up Mr.
Burns' phone bill.
Just a second, Marge.
Hello?.
Thailand?.
How's everything on your end?.
Uh-huh.
That's some language you got there.
And you talk like that 24-7, huh?.
- Hey! - Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house.
- You're not a billionaire.
- Gee.
Way to burst my bubble, Marge.
All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable.
Mr.
Burns will be back tomorrow.
Marge, you're right.
We do have to have a party! Party?.
No! No parties! - What about par-tay?.
- No par-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies - no mixers, no raves, no box socials.
- Damn! And I looked so good on that bike.
[ Sneers ] Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything every disease on this chart.
Fine.
We'll just start by drawing some blood.
Well, isn't that odd?.
It's like poking through meringue.
Oh, try this arm.
I saw some blood in there the other day.
[ Inhales Deeply, Blows ] - Come on.
Keep blowing.
- [ Panicked Yelping ] - [ Bell Dings ] - Okay.
Twelve centimeters.
Excellent.
I'm a big boy.
[ Whirring ] [ Screech, Buzzing ] - There's your problem.
- [ Moans Faintly ] - [ Growls ] - ## [ Moe Humming ] Havin' a party, Moe.
I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.
How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings?.
Mmm.
Danish.
Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till 2:00 p.
m.
on account of it's Sunday.
Huh?.
If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doin' here?.
Huh?.
Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky.
When it gets to here, we can drink again.
- But I need that beer now! - Sorry, 2:00 p.
m.
Or you can steal a boat and sail out to international waters.
Heh! - What's that, a theme park?.
- No, the ocean.
Once you get 1 2 miles out, there's no laws at all.
That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight.
[ Homer] They were so drunk! Gentlemen, get off your knees.
Your rich Uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen! - And you're invited.
- Yeah! - All right! [ All Clamoring ] Oh, no, you don't! I'm not gonna let you trash Mr.
Burns's yacht.
Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity just in case I never become a real billionaire.
Oh, Homie.
I don't care if you're a billionaire.
I love you just because you're- - Hey! There's another way to get on the boat! - Whoo-hoo! [ Laughing ] Propellers! Spinning! Turn! Left! Boat go there! [ Passengers Cheering ] Don't worry, Mom.
I'm sure he'll be okay.
The boat's going sideways! [ Homer] Ship's ahoy! Well done, Mr.
Lenny.
Well done.
Homer, have we hit international waters yet?.
Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
I can't sell you beer till we cross the line! Legally, you could give us free beer.
- Ow! - Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?.
Hey! [ Snickers ] Sucker! Ow! We made it, son.
International waters- the land that law forgot.
[ Giggling, Chattering ] [ Whooping, Shouting ] - ;Ha, toro! - [ Bull Bellowing ] Wow! You can do anything out here.
That's right.
See that ship over there?.
They're rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent not express written consent, or so the legend goes.
Arr, I now pronounce ya man and cow.
[ Mooing ] Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing.
Yarr! There are no laws! We can do anything we want! Anything! Ow! Ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny! Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests.
You may shake my hand if you like.
- Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
- Eh?.
Mr.
Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States.
You have everything.
- You mean, I have pneumonia?.
- Yes.
-Juvenile diabetes?.
- Yes.
- Hysterical pregnancy?.
- Uh, a little bit, yes.
You also have several diseases that have just been discovered- in you.
I see.
You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes?.
- Uh, no.
No, I'm afraid not.
- Well, this sounds like bad news.
Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance.
- Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
- Well- Here is the door to your body.
You see?.
And these are oversized novelty germs.
Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer.
[ Laughs ] Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[ Whooping Like Curly, Speaking Like Moe ] Move it, chowder head! We call it Three Stooges syndrome.
So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.
Oh, no, no.
In fact, even a slight breeze could- Indestructible.
[ Electrical Crackling ] Why are we cleaning this room?.
I don't think we were even in here.
Honey, we want Mr.
Burns to find this place exactly the way he left it.
[ Humming ] - Whoa! - [ Glass Squeaking ] - ## [ Humming ] - [ Whimpers ] - ##[ Disco ] - [ Laughing, Chattering ] [ Carl] Nice moves! Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics.
" They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
- Give it to him, boy! Give it to him! - [ Chittering ] Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! [ Chuckles ] Oh, he ain't pretty no more.
- [ Bell Ringing ] - [ Bullhorn Squawks ] Hey, Coast Guard! Try and stop us now, you lousy Americans.
[ Man, Amplified Voice ] We can't hear you! Come 300 feet closer! Nice try.
You're not gonna nail us.
But we just want to party.
Oh, really?.
Then play some rock music.
[ Iimitating Electric Guitar ] [Joins In ] Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do - [ Laughing, Cheering ] - Who's the greatest billionaire in the world?.
[ All ] You are! Looks like another homosexual party boat.
They always have such nice things.
Perhaps we should pay them a visit.
- A deadly visit?.
- Well, let's play it by ear.
- # Well, you're talking 'bout the China Grove, whoa-oh-oh # - [ Laughing, Chattering ] - # Oh, China Grove ## - Huh?.
[ Laughing ] [ Yelps ] Pirates! - Are you friendly pirates?.
- Uh, not really, no.
- Then what have you done with my party guests?.
- [ Panicked Yelps ] They got my bus pass! They got my bus pass! Whoa! They're poking every nook and cranny- well, every cranny anyway.
So far, the nook is relatively- [ Yelling ] Oh, no! No, it isn't! Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island a.
k.
a.
Hong Kong.
Aye, aye, Captain.
- [ Bullhorn Squawks ] - Help! Pirates! Navy SEALs are on the way.
- Oh, bless you! - How about a tactical nuclear strike?.
Oh, that would be just- Ohh.
You're just yanking my chain, aren't you?.
- Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.
- ## [ Horn, Mocking Tone ] - Enough! Get in the net.
- I don't want to! - [ Parrots Squawking ] - [ Grunting ] [ Chitters ] Aha-ha! Prepare to die! You too.
Aah! Rope burn! Oh! Oh! Charley horse! Charley horse! Aa-aah! Aah! My mouth! I, eh- I n the net, right?.
- Some party, Homer.
- Shut up, net-face.
- Hey, you're in the net too.
- I said, "Shut up, net-face"! Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much.
Honeydew is the money melon.
And now we will cut you loose.
For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.
[ All Screaming ] Hey, what do you know?.
It floats.
That was my plan all along.
Now relax, and the currents will take us home.
What about the people on the bottom?.
They're the greatest heroes of all.
Hey! Something's clawing at my leg! Okay, it stopped.
It looks great.
I can't believe we scrubbed that old-man smell out of a hundred and thirty-seven rooms.
Smithers old chum, there's nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health.
- Oh, and sorry about your news.
- Thank you, sir.
Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain?.
I prefer not to know.
Frankly, one is too many.
Echh! The foul stench of youth! Well, let's see.
Ming vase on narrow column not knocked down.
Priceless coins not used in vending machine.
Yes, not bad! Mr.
Burns Pirates caught your Yacht What! I realise though someone's absence is unavoidable [ Horrified Gasp ] Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face?.
Ohh, there, there.
- Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.
- [ Groans ] Ahh, it's good to be home.
I don't know.
After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
Nah, it's not so bad.
Here we can spit on the floor.
Bart, stop that! Now, we may not have antique furniture or priceless artwork but we have everything we need right here.
That's right Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have- [ Sobbing ] Oh, I can't even finish! I want to be rich! [ Sobbing Continues ] [ Sobbing Continues ] Like these guys! [ Wailing ] And.
Look at all these rich people here! Not as rich as they should.
be, of course, but still rich! [ Sobbing ] All the big money! Look at all the names that own money and.
have lots of money! [ Sobbing ] Oh, he 's poor.
But look at all the other people that aren 't p- Oh, look at all the people who could.
buty and.
sell me! I should.
send.
a list of these names to the I.
R.
S.
! I'm taking them all down! [ Sobbing ] Oh, look at all the rich people! [ Screaming ] Oh, look at that rich- - Shh! - Don 't shush me, you rich bastard.
!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Alone Again Natura-Diddily
The Simpsons s11e14 Episode Script
Alone Again Natura-Diddily
[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Grunting, Groaning ] Now remember.
We have to leave nature just the way we found it.
Everything we pack in, we pack out.
- What if I have to do my business? - Use this plastic bag.
Aw, how come bears can crap in the woods and I can't? [ Growling ] Ah, we're so lucky to have this untouched piece of paradise so close to Springfield.
- [ Droning ] - [ Gasps ] Bees! They sound angry and Africanized.
Okay, nobody panic.
There's plenty of spray for me.
[ Droning Continues ] [ Engines Humming, Tires Screeching ] That doesn't sound like bees.
Oh, my God.
It's a racetrack! [ Gasps ] The bird sanctuary! - They ruined it! - [ Homer] No, they didn't! They just surrounded it with something wonderful! Like a raisin covered in chocolate.
Or a monkey in a cowboy suit.
[ All Gasp ] [ All Gasp ] See? Animals can get used to anything.
[ Growling, Chittering ] [ Squawks ] Start your engines.
Show us your boobs.
Show us your boobs.
[ Grunts ] You better do what he says, Marge.
Cool.
Way to adapt, little guy.
Why do jerks think everyone wants to see their stupid name? [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Munching Loudly ] - [ Screams ] Sorry to break up your picnic, folks.
- I'm two-time fast-car champ, Clay Babcock.
- You're on fire! Yeah, I have won a lot of races.
It's all thanks to my crew, really.
[ Grunts ] There it is.
Mr.
Babcock, can I ride in your car? Well, my ''A'' car was just incinerated, but, uh, you can ride in my ''B'' car.
- [ Flame Roars ] - I don't see why not.
Bart, these are the ''time trials'' that determine the ''pole position.
'' Shouldn't you be keeping your hands on the wheel? Oh, sure, if you want to drive the ''traditional'' way.
- [ Grinding Metal ] - Sorry.
Boy, these cars are surprisingly roomy.
Yeah, we like to bring our families along on the longer races.
If I get tired, I let my wife drive.
She's good.
Get your feet off the upholstery! [ Engine Slows ] I got some spare tickets if you'd like to stick around for the race.
That's very sweet, but we have a full day of hiking planned.
We can hike anytime.
- This is our chance to see cars driving.
- [ Sighs ] [ Engines Roar] Hi-diddly-ho, pedal-to-the-metal-o-philes.
Flanders! Since when do you like anything cool? Well, I don't care for the speed but I can't get enough of that safety gear- Helmets, roll bars, caution flags.
I like the fresh air and looking at the poor people in the infield.
[ Cheering ] - [ Moaning ] - Dang, Cletus.
Why'd you have to park by my parents? Now, honey, they's my parents too.
- ## [ Riff] - [ Chuckles ] - [ Announcer] Gentlemen, start your engines.
- [ Engines Roar] - Daddy, can we move closer? - Abso-not-ly, hot Roddy.
We're up here out of range of the crashes and the drivers' cussin'.
- Move your damn butt.
- Bite me.
[ All Gasp ] [ All Groan ] [ All Gasp, Groan ] Come on! Somebody crash! Be patient, Son.
A watched car never crashes.
- [ Car Crashes ] - Oh, I missed one! - [ Engines Roar] - Let's go! Let's go! The dice! The dice! The dice! Eight seconds.
Great job, boys! [ Engine Sputters, Backfires ] Let's go.
New tires.
Come on.
Come on.
We're goin' as fast as we can, m- Hey, who are you? - Oh, how rude of me.
My name is- - [ Tires Squeal ] My bad.
[ Announcer] And now here's something for the guys.
Finally.
Let's hear it for Fan-demonium! Hey, racing fans.
Who wants a free T-shirt? - [ Cheering ] - Me! Me! - ;'Aqui! Aqui! - I do! I do! Wait.
No, I don't.
Hmm.
A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.
- Don't you usually laugh at everything? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
- Come on! Right here! [ Screams ] - [ Gasping ] - I'm okay, folks.
- [ All Groan ] I need a shirt! Give me a shirt! - Mommy has bosoms like that.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah, I wish.
Neddie, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso.
- I'll get some hot dogs.
- No foot-longs.
I know.
They make you uncomfortable.
Well, I guess no one else wants a T-shirt.
That's a damn lie, and you know it! Gimme a shirt! You heard him, girls.
Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt.
Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin! - [ Screams ] - [ Thuds ] [ Gasps ] Maude? [ Murmuring ] Oh, my Lord, she's dead! [ Groans ] It's hard to believe we're never going to see Maude again.
And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say good-bye.
Well, from now on, I'm never gonna let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you, and how truly special- This is eating up a lot of time.
Maybe just a pat on the butt.
- [ Light Smack ] - Yeah, that works.
Now, Homie, you know, Ned and the boys need us.
And you know what that means.
- I know.
No more being a jerk.
- That's right.
[ Sniffles ] In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives.
She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases or comical accents.
- Aye.
- Yarr.
Oh, glavin! Why, glavin? But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there.
And we thought she always would be.
My friends, life is about change.
Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor.
- [ Crying ] - Yes, thank God those days are over.
And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage.
Yeah.
Lots of storybooks have witches.
- Shut up, Kirk! - [ Quickly ] Sorry.
And now, the good people at Fan-demonium, as part of a generous settlement will fire a 21 T-shirt salute.
[ Cocking Air Guns ] ##[ Bagpipe.
' ''Amazing Grace''] Finally.
Ned, my friend, please know that the Kwik-E-Mart is there for you - 2 4 hours a day.
- Oh, thank you, Apu.
And I'm going to give you all of Maude's frequent Squishy points.
The boys at headquarters will not like it but I'm getting pretty sick of them and their Bombay attitude! That's enough there, Apu.
Look, Ned, I know we ain't hung out much what with your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all but, uh, but that Maude, she was really somethin'.
Oh, wasn't she? Thank you, Moe.
I appreciate that.
Oh, I really mean it though.
I mean, if it was you that died, I would've been on her so fast! - What are you saying? - What? Nothing.
She was hot.
- What? You can't take a compliment? - Hot? You monster! [ Grunting ] That's good.
No.
Let it out.
That's it.
Let it out.
Send me to Maude.
That's it.
Here I come, baby.
Oh, yeah! Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd.
Oh, man.
Why does everything bad have to happen to me? When I'm feeling low, you know what always cheers me up? - Is it love? - Kindness? Ooh, tough room.
Video games.
What do you got? Billy Graham's Bible Blaster? Keep firing! Convert the heathens! [ ''Bringing in the Sheaves'' ] - Got him! - No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian.
Look out, Bart! A gentle Baha'i.
- ## [ Fanfare ] - All right! Full conversion! Thanks, guys.
This really cheered me up.
[ Man ] Second Coming! Reload! Reload! - Can we play now? - You are playing.
We're a team.
[ Together] Yea! Now, if there's anything, anything at all I can do to help out.
Quit hogging Flanders.
I want to comfort him.
[ Chuckles ] That's nice of you, Homer, but I think I'll just go to bed.
Then I insist on walking you home.
Homer, this really isn't necessary.
Those feelings are normal, Ned.
They're part of the process.
Watch the sprinkler.
- Hey! That's my sprinkler.
- It's natural to feel that way.
But the sprinkler is gone.
It's time to let go.
I just bought that.
I know.
I know.
It's never easy.
You want anything else? Water? Chili fries? How about some white noise? [ Hisses ] Oh, Homer.
You don't have to- [ Snoring ] Sleep tight, Neddie.
- [ Tapping On Glass ] - [ Groans ] What is that? Oh, you wanna rock fight, eh? - [ Laughs ] - No, Homer.
I just need to talk.
Okay.
Be right down.
[ Chuckles ] I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head.
I can't believe my last words to Maude were, ''No foot-longs.
'' Yep.
It would have been a lot better if you'd said ''I love you'' or, ''You're special.
'' You know, something sweet instead of that hot dog crack.
If I'd only been a gentlemen and got the hot dogs myself she'd still be here.
Now, now, now.
Don't beat yourself up.
I'm the one who drove her out of her seat.
I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage ofT-shirts.
I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation.
Uh, but there's no point in playing the blame game.
Ah, you're right.
I just gotta work through the grief.
There's not gonna be an easy answer.
Easy answer, eh? Oh, yeah.
That's it, baby.
That's the money shot.
Yeah, the camera loves you.
Oh,you tease,you.
[ Chuckles ] - Why are you taping Flanders, Dad? - You'll see.
Do you even have a job anymore? I think it's pretty obvious that I don't! Okay, I finished the gardening sequence.
Okay, from here we star wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills.
Then we star wipe to Flanders brushing his- Dad, there are other wipes besides star wipes.
Why eat hamburger when you can have steak? I'm taking my name off this thing.
- So, how you doin', Ned? - Oh, it's been a hard couple of months but I feel like I've turned a corner.
Well, that's all gonna change, thanks to this tape! - Tape? - Now the audio needs some tweaking and there's some footage of Maggie being born that I couldn't get rid of.
- Anyway, enjoy.
- [ Tape Loading ] [ Homer's Voice ] Single women of Springfield -your prayers have been ''Flanswered''.
- ## [ Fanfare ] Ned Flanswered, that is.
- Is this a dating video? - Shush! What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car? That's Ned Flanders! A man who's not afraid to cry.
- Hey, Ned! - [ Sobs ] - So that's why you maced me.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Ned does everything with class.
Whether he's punching in his A.
T.
M.
code or keeping clean in the shower.
- Homer! - But don't take my word for it.
Listen to this testimonial.
Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay.
He looks like a cuddler, that Ned.
I-I like that.
I like to be held.
I like to be pampered.
step up to the best.
Ned Flanders, the man with the chest.
[ Panting, Grunting ] Ew! Now we'll just send this to the dating service the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins.
Uh, Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating? It just feels way too soon.
[ Chuckles ] That's great! Chicks really dig sensitivity.
- Did you get that, Bart? - Got it.
Beautiful.
And star wipe, and we're out.
Hmm.
Well, with triple word score, that's 90.
[ Laughs ] I guess my luck is starting to even out.
[ Sighs ] I'm just a ''Q'' without a ''U''.
Mmm.
[ Chuckles ] [ Laughs ] Uh, hello? Mailman? These are the women who saw your videotape and are interested.
And feel free to root around in the one-nighter bin.
- The bin is spoken for.
- Are you gonna call all those women? No, the tapes will do just fine.
Thank you.
Homer, I'm having second thoughts.
This feels so disloyal to Maude.
Oh, wake up, Ned.
You think Maude isn't dating in heaven? - You think she would? - How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors.
John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes.
[ Chuckles ] Sherlock Holmes is a character.
[ Chuckles ] He sure is.
[ Growls ] Okay Here goes nothing If you select me you'll get a lot more than a Wharton M.
B.
A.
pulling in 200 K.
You'll get a woman who's poised, articulate sophisticated, confident and highly sexual.
Hang on.
I'm getting a fax.
Damn, I've just been indicted.
Looks like we're gonna have to reschedule.
How's your July? - Well, I- - Mine's terrible.
Let's talk in August.
[ Sighs ] Mmm.
Dinner was delicious, Edna.
But I can't shake the feeling that you're just using me to get Principal Skinner jealous.
Oh, please.
I don't care what Mr.
''Engaged to be Engaged'' thinks.
Hear that, Seymour? - [ Skinner] Edna, this is childish.
- Fine, then hang up.
- I will hang up when he leaves.
- [ Sighs ] Well, Diane, I've sure enjoyed chatting with you about your problems with your mother.
Did you hear that, Foofie? Sounds like somebody ''wuvs'' us.
- Yes, it does.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Well, maybe I'll call you again sometime.
Ooh.
Foofie doesn't like the sound of that ''maybe.
'' 'Cause him's a commitment dog, isn't him? [ Gasping, Panting ] So, how'd you do tonight, Romeo? Well, I just can't relate to the women of today, Homer.
Ah, it's probably me.
I'm about as exciting as a baked potato.
You're darn right you are! And you've got lots of other great qualities too! That's right, Ned.
Those floozies we married in Vegas were crazy about you.
What floozies? What are you talking- Marge! We're trying to help Ned! Lord, I never question you but I've been wondering if your decision to take Maude was, well, wrong.
U-Unless this is part of your divine plan.
[ Clicks Tongue ] Could you just give me some kind of sign? Anything? Aw, and after all that church chocolate I bought which, by the way, was gritty and had that white stuff on it! Well, I've had it! Daddy, get up.
You'll be late for church.
Well, you boys can go with the Simpsons.
I'm not going to church today.
- [ Gasps ] - That's right.
And I may not go to church tomorrow.
[ Whimpering, Screaming ] No, I'm not kiddin'! I am gonna sit right here and miss church.
You just watch.
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! While our organist is on a much-needed vacation we thought we'd try something new.
So get down and put your knees together for the Christian rock stylings of - Kovenant! - ## [ Rock ] Hey, isn't that the bass player from Satanica? I think it is.
- ##[ Continues ] - [ Gasps ] Electric guitars in church! Oh, my gosh.
Some dropouts must have overpowered the reverend.
This is a love song about a dude I met in a sleazy motel.
- [ Gasps ] - A dude named God.
Oh.
In a motel room in Delacroix I was drinking like a Dartmouth boy -#And thinking 'bout the wrong turns that I took # -[ Snoring ] Well, I woke up on the puke-green floor And opened up a dresser drawer Lookin' for a bottle but instead, I found a book She's talking about the Bible.
- So? She's good-lookin'.
Shut up.
- You shut up.
A book about a man A book about the dude who lives above A book about a man Who drives a pickup full of sweet, sweet love - ## [ Humming ] - [ Clattering ] Now if you think he doesn't care Or maybe that he isn't there #It's not too late to see how wrong you are # So when your soul has gone astray Just let God be your triple A He'll tow you to salvation And he'll overhaul your heart Glad you made it, Ned.
I knew he would! [ Grunts ] I'll be right back, boys.
I've gotta go help that lady.
- Homer, you help too.
- I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! - A pox on thee! - [ Groans ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] [ Sighs ] That was a lovely song.
- It really got to me.
- Been through some rough times yourself? I-I recently lost my wife.
[ Gasps ] I'm real sorry to hear that.
We just lost our drummer to a Pentecostal ska band.
I know it's not the same- No, I hear what you're saying.
It's always hard to replace someone.
Yeah.
My name's RachelJordan.
If you feel like talking, maybe we could grab a coffee? Well, that- that sounds real nice, Rachel but I'm, uh, I'm not quite- I understand.
Listen.
We're heading out on tour with the Monsters of Christian Rock.
Maybe when we get back, you and I could get together.
[ Chuckles ] Maybe we can.
My name's Ned Flanders.
And I'm here every week, rain or shine.
[ Rachel ] #It's a show about Ned # #About him losin'his sweet wife # #She landed on her head # #But now it's time to get on with his life ## - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Missionary Impossible
The Simpsons s11e15 Episode Script
Missionary Impossible
[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Announcer] You're watching PBS.
- ## [ Trumpet Flourish ] - You're watching PBS? - Hey, I'm as surprised as you but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sitcom.
''Do Shut Up''? It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans.
If they're not having a go with a bird they're having a row with a wanker.
Cheeky.
[ Man ] #No feeling # #No feeling # - Ahh! - #No feeling # -Jolly sodding X-mas, Major.
- #For anybody else ## - Choke on it! - [ Both Laughing ] Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Groaning ] Not in my parlor, you don't.
- Aah! Me eyes! - I'm scalded, I am! [ Both Laughing ] - The mother's the voice of reason.
- Here come the cricket bats.
You don't have the cobbles.
- [ Both Snarling ] - [ Chuckling ] Classic.
Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series.
And today we're showing all seven episodes.
- Hey, what the hell's going on? - If you like great PBS programs like Do Shut Up and Shut Your Gob you'll want to support our pledge drive.
- [ Bart ] Rledge drive? [ Groans ] - That's right, Betty White.
Absolutely.
If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute you're a thief- a common thief!.
- Okay, take it easy, Betty.
- Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad.
- You know who you are.
Thieves! - You're mad? Where's my show? And Now it's time to go back to Do shut up Finally! - But first- - [ Groans ] With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag.
Or this umbrella, featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.
And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises.
Now your music room can sound just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York.
[ Footsteps Echoing ] - [ Man Coughs ] - Outstanding.
Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man! You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to ''phone it in.
'' Well, now it's your turn to phone it in- Your pledge, that is.
Please- Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show.
Well, why didn't you say so? [ Beeping ] - [ Line Ringing ] - Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000 to get them to shut up.
From anonymous.
Done and done.
- Dad, you don't have $10,000.
- Aw, how they gonna find me? [ Bell Dings ] Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700 and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name.
- [ Chuckling ] - But thanks to Insta-Trace we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.
[ Screams ] Why did I register with Insta-Trace? Our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments.
- Uh-oh.
You gotta help me, Bart.
- [ Footsteps ] That's it, boy! Go get help.
- [ Swing Squeaking ] - D'oh! Okay, Homer, don't panic.
Let me do the talking.
Here he is, folks, the man who saved PBS - Homer Simpson.
- [ Cheering ] [ Cheering On TV] Mom, Dad's on PBS.
Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they? Um, it's an honor to give $10,000 especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming - has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
- [ Scattered Applause ] - From now on, one of us always stays home.
- Agreed.
Well said, Homer.
And now for the moment of generosity.
- Will cash be okay? - Absolutely! - Well, then we got a problem.
The banks are closed by now.
- It's 12:15.
Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours but we in Springfield are simple folk.
We like our cars fast and our banks closed.
Uh- Okay, fine.
We'll go down there, but they're not going to be open.
Yeah.
It's a real ghost town in there.
[ Chuckles ] Get in there.
I'd like to withdraw $10,000, please.
''You are on television.
Please play along.
'' Are you robbing me? [ Whispering ] I'll pay you later.
- Um, is there a problem, Mr.
Simpson? - Uh, why, no.
Everything is just- [ Grunting ] [ Wails ] I can't do it.
I can't kill a man.
[ Grunting ] - You don't have the money, do you, Homer? - Mm-mmm.
And you thought you could stab your problems away? - Mm-hmm.
- Silly goose.
Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys.
- [ Screams ] The hooligans! - Bash his eyes out! - [ Screams ] - [ Clamoring ] It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! - You die now! - [ Shouts ] [ Whimpering ] - [ Screeching ] - [ Whimpering ] Bingo! Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick.
You gotta hide me from PBS.
Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group.
- Give us the money! - Elmo knows where you live.
Please, help me.
I'll do anything.
I'll light a candle.
I'll help with your next charity scam.
- The word is ''drive.
'' - Sure, sure.
Bob's your uncle.
Let's just get out of here.
[ Clamoring ] [ Clears Throat ] Nothing to see here, people.
Just headed down to the dump with these children's letters to God.
[ Whimpering ] [ Tires Squealing ] We'll send you someplace safe till the heat dies down.
Great, but why am I on a plane? Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific? South Pacific? I didn't agree to- [ Whimpers ] W-Wait! I'm no missionary.
I don't even believe in ''Jebus.
'' - Let me out.
- Sorry.
No can do.
[ Whimpers, Grunts ] Oh, save me,Jebus! Mmm.
[ Chuckles, Sighs ] Mmm! [ Smacks Lips ] Oh- Little piece there.
- [ Smacking ] Mmm.
- [ Clears Throat ] So, you said on the phone you had something to tell me? Mmm? Oh, yes.
Your husband's in Micro-Asia.
- [ Gasps ] - Micro-Asia? That's 1 2,000 miles away.
Uh-huh.
He needed to get away for a while.
I suggested missionary work, and he jumped at the idea.
- Missionary work? - He's dead, isn't he? No, no.
You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio.
- [ Static ] - [ Homer] Jebus, where are you? Homer toJebus.
[ Moans ] [ Groans, Grunts ] Ooh.
This doesn't look so bad.
Ah.
Hi there, little fella.
Well, what the- Wh-Wh-What- [ Whimpering ] Huh? [ Whimpers, Sighs ] Welcome aboard, brother.
You must be Homer.
I'm Craig.
That's Amy.
- Well, see ya.
- You're leaving? Wait.
What do I do here? First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school.
- Done.
- We taught them some English and ridiculed away most of their beliefs.
So you can take it from there.
Bye! Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Seriously.
Me Homer.
Me hiding from PBS.
I am Q'Toktok, and this is Ak.
Welcome, Reverend Homer.
We look forward to learning about the Bible from you.
- Here you go.
Knock yourself out.
- We cannot read.
[ Groans ] Does the word ''jet lag'' mean anything to you people? Jet lag? Are you enjoying your ox testicle? Oh, yes.
Very much so.
Really? You sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? [ Chuckles ] They're delicious.
No, I'm good.
Mmm.
Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in all the geographical magazines? Craig and Amy gave us the gift of shame.
All the naked women are on that island.
- [ Drums, Laughter] - Yeah, anything goes over there.
- Bouncy, bouncy.
- [ Groans ] - [ Deep Rumbling ] - What was that? Oh, we call that- [ Choking Sounds ] Sorry.
Fish bone in my throat.
We call that ''earthquake.
'' Great.
Now my testicle's got ants on it.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Have a Bible.
My name's Homer.
What's yours? I am Ouilouiyukitanawanje.
I'm gonna call you Lisa Jr.
So, what do you do for fun around here? Craig and Amy were digging a well.
Craig and Amy were also building a chapel.
Craig and Amy, Craig and Amy.
Why don't you just marry Craig and Amy? I told you we should have asked them.
How's the TV reception here? Excellent or- - T V? - You don't have TV? But what will I watch while I'm sitting on the couch? - Couch? - No couches either? Oh, man, I need a beer.
[ Gasps ] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! [ Together] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! [ Slurping ] Nothin'.
[ Slurping ] Here we go.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
[ Marge's Voice ] Homer? Homer! Huh? What the- [ Echoing ] Hello! Is there anybody in there? Marge! Homer, are you all right? I guess so.
But that first month was pretty rough.
You've only been gone two days.
Really? Without TV it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends.
I miss you, Dad.
Mom won't let me read HÃ¤gar the Horrible.
I just don't think it's funny.
Hmm.
I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order.
- Bart,you're the man of the house.
- Mmm! - Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy.
- [ Growls ] Maggie's now the brainy girl.
Toaster can fill in for Maggie.
- And, Marge,you're a consultant.
- [ Groans ] - Dad? - Yes, boy? I just want to tell you how proud I am that you're showing an interest in your fellow man.
Really? You're proud of me? Oh, yes.
The whole town thinks you're a real humanitarian.
Ned Flanders is green with envy.
Oh, really? Well, if you'll excuse me I got some civilization to spread like butter on the English muffin that is these people with all their little nooks and crannies.
Dad, are you licking toads? I'm not not licking toads.
Well, it's time to get to work.
Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out.
- [ Croaks ] - [ Slurping ] - [ Croaks ] - [ Giggles ] Gather round, everyone.
I'm gonna teach you about religion.
[ Together] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God- - Please, please.
That's not necessary.
- oh, God, oh, God- I'm just God's messenger.
And lo, what a wondrous message it is.
Like this, from the book of ''P-salms.
'' ''God will shatter the heads of his enemies ''the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways that you may bathe your feet in blood.
'' As true today as it was when it was written.
Now let's open it up to some Q&A.
Yes, Lisa Jr.
? Amy said there are lots of religions.
Which is the right one? Well, not the Unitarians.
If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.
Um, if the Lord is all-powerful why does he care whether we worship him or not? [ Chuckles ] Ak just saying.
Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure- like Barbra Streisand beforeJames Brolin.
Oh, he's been a rock.
Oh, who am I kidding? The truth is I'm no missionary.
I work in a nuclear power plant.
Ooh.
Tell us all you know about nuclear power.
Look, the point is, I want to help.
But you don't need a well or a chapel or an immunization center.
What you need's a little razzle-dazzle.
[ Gasps ] Q'Toktok, are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I am Ak.
- Hey, that's great.
Now let's get to work.
Now, if The Flintstones has taught us anything it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.
Come on, little friend.
Make a wisecrack.
You know- ''It's a living.
'' That sort of thing.
- Oopsy.
- [ Bird Caws ] - Hiya, Homer.
- That's not Homer.
It's gotta be.
He's parking in Homer's space.
Well, time to get to work.
Mmm.
- Simpson! - Aah! I've just reviewed your 1 0-year performance record, and it's appalling.
- But I'm not Homer Simpson.
- I think I know who Homer Simpson is.
In 1 0 short years you've caused 1 7 meltdowns.
- One is too many.
- Yeah, but- You sold weapons-grade plutonium to the Iraqis-with no markup.
- But- - And worst of all you took the Hamburglar's birthday off last Monday and Wednesday.
Which is it? [ Exhales ] Now, my voice is giving out, so I'm just going to poke you for the next hour or so.
[ Both Grunting ] [ Sighs ] Friends, when I came here one month ago this seemed like a strange and frightening place.
But now I've learned to love this island as my second- A plane! Stop! Get me off this stinkin' rock! [ Groans ] Anyhoo- I'm about to share with you a modern-day miracle- Something that has revitalized cities from East Saint Louis to Biloxi, Mississippi.
The magic medicine of casino gambling! - ''The Lucky Savage''? - It could be you.
Check it out-There's island blackjack island craps, island Texas hold 'em.
But if, like me, you're mesmerized by pretty colors and spinning things you'll prefer roulette.
Four sand dollars on number six, please.
[ Rattling ] - So how you doin'? Stayin' out of trouble? - Yes, sir.
- Number six.
- Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Now over here I've brewed up my favorite beverage.
Beer.
It's mostly Dristan and holy water, but it does the job.
[ Slurps ] Mmm.
''Ooga-booga.
'' - [ Chattering ] - So have fun, everybody.
And who knows? Maybe you'll hit the jackpot, get off this island and spend the rest of your days in a tropical paradise.
- [ Chattering ] - Okay! - Yea! - [ Chattering ] Homer, I'm so impressed.
Everything you're doing sounds so rewarding.
Oh, you should have seen their faces, honey.
Now I know how Bob Stupak feels.
[ Whistling ] Is everybody happy? [ Shouting, Screaming ] - Huh? - [ Clamoring ] - [ Groans ] - Oh, my God.
How can ace be one and 1 1 ? Huh? What kind of god would allow that? [ Grunts ] [ Groans ] - [ Clamoring ] - [ Gasps ] Oh, what happened? I gave you a glittering Vegas and you turned it into a scanty Atlantic City.
Your alcohol and inexpensive buffets have corrupted us.
I don't even like macaroni salad but look at me! [ Chomping ] Please help us.
Our island has not been this damaged since the A-bomb tests.
[ Groans ] Guess who I saw at the supermarket today.
Can it wait? I just got off work.
I'm sorry, honey.
I just thought you- Don't you do enough yakkin' at the beauty parlor? That's it, Bart.
You're taking this ''man of the house'' thing too far.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Tell you what.
Saturday night, we'll go out for steaks- just you and me.
Hmm.
A night out is a night out.
[ Grunting ] [ Speaking Native Language ] Why are you building chapel? - Because you're all terrible sinners.
- Since when? Since I got here.
Now either grab a stone or go to hell.
[ All Gasp ] [ Grunting ] Well, I may not know much about God but I have to say, we built a pretty nice cage for him.
- [ Chattering ] - These are from the children.
Thanks to you, all of us finally have a place to pray.
- Aw.
- And I'm in a gambling program.
For real this time.
How many times must we go to church to avoid hell? Every Sunday for the rest of our lives.
[ Laughs ] No, really.
[ Chiming ] Not bad, Lisa Jr.
But God's palace is way up on the moon.
[ Slurping ] So if you want him to hear us we've gotta crank up the volume.
- [ Chiming Louder] - Do you hear me, Lord? Homer's doin' your work! - I'm the greatest missionary of all time! - [ Rumbling ] [ Clamoring ] [ Whimpering ] Oh, no! This looks like the end.
[ Both Screaming ] [ Laughing ] Oh, that Homer- always getting into trouble.
And if you're one of the millions who enjoys his adventures- or should I say misadventures- it's time to show your support.
Sure, Fox makes a fortune from advertising - but it's still not enough.
- Not nearly enough! So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves please, call now.
[ Rings ] [ With Australian Accent ] Hello! Murdoch here.
$10,000! You've saved my network.
Wouldn't be the first time.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Homer] Save me,Jebus!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Pygmoelian
The Simpsons s11e16 Episode Script
Pygmoelian
[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Groans, Gasps ] [ Alarm Blaring ] Fire! Fire! Fire! [ Gasps ] Oh, no! What do I save? [ Screeches ] Trophies, trophies.
Oh- Ooh! Attendance.
Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! Get in.
Move it.
This is not a drill.
Good work, everyone.
We're sure to be first in line for Duff Days.
You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival? [ Chuckles ] I know.
I'm a character.
Now, a little beer music to get in the mood.
- ##[ Rolka ] - [ Both Gasp ] Looking for these? [ Humming ] - ##[ Stops ] - [ Both Sigh ] [ Polka ] Drink Duff [ Softly ] responsibly.
Drink Duff [ Softly ] responsibly.
- Now, which one of you is our designated driver? - [ Homer Grunting ] - Twist off, damn it! - [ Moaning ] I guess I'll be driving.
Right this way to the Duff Designated Drivers' Rockin' Fun Zone.
Rockin' Fun Zone? That sounds fun.
I don't see the need for razor wire.
Ooh, there's Ulysses S.
Grant, Babe Ruth- [ Gasps ] Ben Franklin.
Early to bed.
[ Hiccups ] Early to rise.
Ya think-Ya think you're better than me? Huh? [ Groans ] Okay, kids, who wants to see what it's like to get drunk? [ All Shouting ] [ All Moan ] [ Screaming ] Now you're charming.
You don't know me.
[ Moaning ] This guy here, this is the guy.
[ Laughing, Moans ] [ Man ] All right, Springfield belly up for the Duff Beer-tender of the year contest.
Now, fresh from his appearance before the House Subcommittee on Teenage Alcoholism - ##[ Dance Rock ] - Duff Man! Are you ready for some Duff love? - [ Cheering ] - All right! Today, we're gonna find out which of these bartenders - has the right stuff to dispense Duff? - ##[ Dance Rock ] From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport - Michael Finn.
- [ Cheering ] From Juggernauts in Hollywood, California, Titania.
[ Cheering ] And now, the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug- oh,yeah- give it up for Moe Szyslak.
Hello, Springfield.
How ya- - [ Moaning ] - [ Cheering ] Whoo-hoo-hoo! Okay, our first event qualifies for course credit at Dartmouth College- Trick Pouring.
[ Man ] #For goodness sake # #I got the hippy, hippy shakes # # Yeah, I got the shakes ## [ Carl Chuckles ] That spells ''Duff.
'' Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else.
I think we know who wins this round.
- Titania! - [ Cheering ] Duff Beer is brewed from hops, barley and sparkling clear mountain what? - [ Bell Dings ] - Goat.
- Uh, close enough! - [ Cheering ] [ Sighs ] You can really taste the goat.
making the previous rounds a complete waste.
- ##[ Dance Rock ] - [ Cheering ] Don't forget.
Today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff calendar.
All right, guys, one, two, three.
Moo? Lenny, you were supposed to be ''E.
'' See what happens when you skip rehearsal.
##[ Fanfare] All right, bartenders, toss your drunks.
- [ Grunts ] And stay out! - [ Cheering ] - [ Moaning ] - Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk.
Duff Man says a lot of things.
Oh, yeah! Hmph! [ Straining ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Gasping ] [ Crowd Sighs ] - [ Groans ] - [ Cheering ] And the winner, Moe Szyslak! Oh, that's great.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me to compete with the mick and the, uh, chick with the rack there.
- Yeah, all right, Moe! - That's my Moo! And now, to take your official calendar portrait Duff's vice president in charge of calendars and fake I.
D.
's Phil Angelides! [ Cheering ] - [ Gasps ] - That's a mug you don't wanna chug.
Knock it off, Larry.
We can't put this face on our calendar.
[ Grunting ] When I get home, there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars.
That one.
- Kids, would you like a balloon? - Yeah, right, Mom.
Then I'd like a rattle and a ''wollypop.
'' Actually, I would like a ''wollypop.
'' Those balloons won't biodegrade for If Bart gets a wollypop, I want a wollypop.
Ah, Maggie wants a balloon.
And Daddy will take a hand stamp so he can get back in.
- [ Groans ] -Just kidding.
Remember my face.
[ Moe] Ah, boy.
[ Moans ] [ Groans ] Moe, the new Duff calendars are out- the ones with your picture! Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1 973 and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you.
Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated for this state and real.
Now, let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-llenium! Hey-They put a sticker over my face.
Hey.
''Viva la''- ''Kiss Me''- What? Hey! Ah, for the love of Jeff.
Ah! Oh.
Am I really that ugly? - Moe, it's all relative.
Is Lenny really that dumb? - Huh? - Is Barney that drunk? - [ Moans ] - Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? - [ Sighs ] Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought! - [ Sobbing ] - [ Sobbing ] See, this is why I don't talk much.
I can't believe they put those stickers over my face.
[ Sighs ] I must be the ugliest man alive.
Oh, Moe, there's lots of people uglier than you.
Like, you ever been to White Castle? Oh, boy.
Pigtown, U.
S.
A.
Come on.
Look at me.
I'm a gargoyle what, with the cauliflower ear there and the lizard lips- - Little rat eyes.
- Caveman brow.
- Don't forget that fish snout.
- Okay, I get it.
I ain't pleasant to look at.
- Or listen to.
- Or be with.
Come on, Moe.
Don't feel bad.
There's too much emphasis on looks these days.
That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight.
Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery? Plastic surgery, huh? Maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
I don't know.
Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside but you still might feel bad on the inside.
But I'd look good on the outside, right? - Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
- Plastic surgery it is! - Carl Carlson, you just saved my life.
- [ Cash Register Dings ] Hey! Get outta there.
- [ Giggling ] - Look at her.
Must be great to be a baby and be so easily amused.
I wish I could be entertained by two cents worth of rubber shaped like some colorful animal dancing and twirling, dancing and twirling.
- Hey, give me that! - It's mine! [ Whimpering ] - [ Screams ] - The door! - [ Grunts ] - [ Wind Gusting ] Oh, no! [ Sobs ] Okay, don't panic.
I'll get the bikes.
I hope they're hoverbikes.
- Oh, man, that would be so awesome! - [ Moans ] Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hmm.
[ Imitates Bomb Falling, Exploding ] - It's hopeless, ain't it? - No, no, no, I love a challenge.
First, we must install buttocks.
Nah, nah, nah, no luxury items.
Just a face.
Okay, I'm gonna move this up.
This wider.
I'm gonna lose that.
I've never even seen one of these.
Can the medical mumbo jumbo.
Can you fix me or not? Well, we'll see.
You know, most faces need a little remodeling but this is a total teardown.
Let me clean up this mess I made.
Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there! Oh, stop it.
You're worse than Faye Dunaway.
[ Bart Grunting ] Oh, we've gotta get closer.
[ Moans ] I'm trying.
Can't I get on your shoulders? I'm not riding a girl's bike.
Hey, it's getting away! Step on it.
Hyah! Hyah! - Stop kickin' me! - Hyah! Ooh, boy, what a mug! Yeah.
You should see his genitals.
Would you like to see them? I'm awake here.
Uh-oh.
This isn't anesthetic.
It's new car smell.
Sorry, Doctor.
Ho! # Silver bells # Silver bells It's going into that building.
[ Bart ] Nice suit,Jeeves.
Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing! Oh, that's my little dude.
We need a symbol.
Something that says we're gay and Republican.
A little on the nose, don't you think? Excuse me.
We just came to get our balloon.
- Here you go.
And have a bumper sticker.
- Thank you.
- ''A gay president in 2084''? - We're realistic.
Hurry! Hurry up! I have to pee! - Beautiful.
- Okay, now do Moe.
Well, Moe, now we see if you go on my wall of fame, or my blooper reel.
Oooh.
[ Groans ] - [ Both Gasp ] - What? I'm a monster, right? I knew it.
I guess I'll just crawl back to live in a sewer periodically emerging to sue you.
[ Gasps ] Is that me? Oopsie.
We got some leakage.
Let me just cauterize that for you.
- [ Searing ] - [ Moe Moaning ] - Bye, Moe.
- Don't be a stranger, handsome.
Bye-bye.
Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome.
Me? It's like I've gone to heaven.
Uh- Wait a minute.
I died on the operating table, didn't I? Yeah, but just for a minute.
It's a funny story.
I'll tell you sometime.
- So this is all real? - Oh, you dear, dear man.
You're one of us beautiful people now.
And your new life begins today.
A new life.
A second chance for revenge.
That brown patch needs a little H2O.
Oh, yeah! Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man can't breathe.
Oh, no! Oh! - [ Doorbell Rings ] - Hello.
Yeah, hello yourself.
I'm Moe Szyslak.
Back in high school, I asked you to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance and you turned me down.
Well, I just wanted to show you the face that you could have been kissing.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then.
And I feel terrible about hurting you.
- Will you accept my apology? - Apology? Uh, geez.
I wasn't expecting that.
Uh- Run! Man, that felt great! Okay, last stop, Channel 6.
You gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers? Nah, nah, nah.
This is personal.
It all goes back to my acting days.
I was auditioning for the role of Dr.
Tad Winslow on the hit soap It Never Ends.
- Angela, I'm afraid I- - [ Woman ] Thank you.
Next.
- What were you thinking? - Well, you said you wanted ''gritty.
'' In other words, ugly.
I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island ugly not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes ugly.
TV ugly, not ugly-ugly.
I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly but never ugly-ugly.
Well, it's time to get some closure.
Extreme closure.
But I've been Dr.
Tad Winslow for 25 years.
It's time I got a raise! Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.
And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.
Remember me? Twenty-five years ago you said I was too ugly to play Dr.
Tad Winslow.
I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon.
- You're our new Dr.
Tad Winslow.
- Really? You mean it? But there can't be two Dr.
Tad Winslows! That's going to- Oh.
[ Moans ] I've been waiting all my life for this moment.
[ Laughing ] Homer, whoa, whoa! Homer! Change of plans.
Whatever.
[ Male Announcer] Like the cleaning of a house, It Never Ends.
With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St.
Farge.
Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxie Monoxide.
And as Dr.
Tad Winslow, Moe Szyslak.
I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr.
Tad Winslow.
Well, I'm gonna keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.
Cleo Cleo You brought music to my heart but this relationship can never work.
I'm a doctor, and you're a 5,000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.
But I love you, Tad, and together we can burn all the cities of the Earth.
It's against hospital regulations, damn it! And Clive Dancer is just waiting for me to slip up.
So, Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door? Eh, it's over.
She got a window shade.
[ All Gasp ] Whoa, whoa.
If you must grope me, ladies, please, a little softer.
- Okay, now harder.
- [ Women Sigh ] - Hey, there are women in our bar.
- Hey, Moe, beer me.
I'm a little busy, Homer.
You can pour it yourself.
Hmm.
This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem.
[ Screaming ] [ Gurgling ] [ Chuckles ] I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club! ''You don't love me.
The only thing you love is your ear, nose and throat pavilion.
'' I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes.
But the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul! That was amazing, Moe.
I'm actually a little turned on.
Hey, I got a gift.
As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug.
Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart.
Now those eggs are hatching, and the feeling is indescribable.
I know what you mean.
Our dog had that.
- [ Knocking ] - Excuse me.
I got a delivery here for the producers.
Top secret story lines? Uh, I'll sign for it.
Uh, might as well have a little peak.
[ Chuckles ] Hmm.
Hmm! Looks like my character gets back together with that evil contessa.
- The one with the amulet? - Precisely.
Then I get in a skydiving accident and have to be rushed to the graveyard! They're killing off Dr.
Tad Winslow.
What? Let me see that.
''Interior: Coroner's office.
''Close-up on Dr.
Winslow's mangled corpse.
Coroner: Let's get that brain out and weigh it and call it a day.
'' Yep, that does sound kind of bad.
Well, if they're gonna stomp on my dreams the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes.
I never used to trust you, Contessa but now you seem so nice.
Why don't we celebrate your newfound trust in me by taking a skydiving lesson? Well, how can I say no to such a captivating- - [ Homer] Ding-dong.
- Whoa! It's the door! Dr.
Winslow.
- Why, who are you? - I am an angel from the future.
- Angel? - What the- [ Bleeps ] Should I cut him off? No.
Let's see where this is going.
And what do you have to tell us, O angel of the future? You're going to die in a skydiving accident.
How tragic.
Tell me more.
Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists with sexy results.
Ooh, that's unexpected.
What else? Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team - with sexy results.
- What's Dad doing on the show? Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt.
And only then do we find out that Professor Galloway's half-sister is plotting to take over International Perfume and Wine.
[ Groans ] He just gave away a year's worth of story lines.
Cut him off now.
- [ Both Laughing ] - Yes! What the hell are you doing? Sticking it to you for killing off my character.
- Yeah! - Whoo! You idiot.
Dr.
Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
- Wha- - Pink pages always mean a dream.
I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
I see.
So, uh, what time tomorrow? Escort these men out now.
Get your hands off me! Get off!.
I don't need your stinkin' show anyway! With a mug like this, I can get on any soap in Springfield.
Hmph! [ Screams ] Oh! Oh, my face! I'm not supposed to put weight on it! [ All Gasp ] - [ All Gasp ] - What? What? - Sorry about your face, Moe.
- Nah, it's just as well.
That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance.
I had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil.
You did me a favor, Homer.
And to think - I was about to sell the bar to Hooters.
- Yeah, you were- D'oh! Well, I guess that wraps it up.
There's one thing I don't get though.
When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? Shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Don't make no- - Shh! - [ Duff Man ] Oh,yeah!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Bart to the Future
The Simpsons s11e17 Episode Script
Bart to the Future
[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Whines ] [ Lisa ] How much farther to the campground? Let's see.
Judging from the bug buildup.
we're gettin' close.
I'm not sure mosquito season is the best time to visit Lauraville Lake.
Folks.
you're gonna want to turn around.
The bugs are firmly in charge.
- What? - Please.
just go.
They've taken the Visitors Center! They-They ate the comment book! All right.
Geez.
[ Loud Buzzing ] [ Screaming ] Hey! Hey! My class ring! Oh.
thanks a lot.
Hey! An Indian casino! [ Homer] God bless Native America! Let's go.
Marge.
Come on! Come on! Come on! Homer.
you know I had a gambling problem.
Well.
what better place to celebrate your recovery than amidst the frenzied excitement of the casino floor? - [ Questioning Groan ] - Lisa? Uh.
something troubles me about Indian gaming.
On the one hand.
the revenue helps the tribe.
Sure we can't talk you into it? - No minors.
- Yeah.
but I really want- Sorry.
Son.
Although they seem strange to us.
we must respect the ways of the Indian.
[ Chanting ] Hi.
how are ya? Hi.
how are ya? Hi.
how are ya? Hi.
how are ya? [ Groans ] I gotta get in that casino.
The Great Gabbo demands a free night in the presidential suite while performing.
We'll give you a free pass to the pasta bar.
The Great Gabbo accepts your terms.
[ Gasps ] Ooh.
[ Chuckles ] Ooh.
- [ Bart Laughing ] - Quiet.
Gabbo.
I'd like to introduce you to my little wooden friend.
He's in his box.
pining away.
- [ Laughing ] - [ Banging ] - Say hello to- - [ Gasping ] - [ Crowd Exclaiming ] - Gabbo! You've become a real boy! All right! Time for some underage gambling.
So long.
sucker! Eep! [ Gasps ] Your linen service has broken many promises to us.
Laundry bill soar like eagle.
Jerk.
So.
you like to sneak into casinos.
I wasn't gonna gamble.
I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
Listen to me.
Unless you change your deceitful ways I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you.
Bart Simpson.
- How'd you know my name? - Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs.
You're listed as collateral.
Oh.
I thought maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic who could tell the future.
- Who says I'm not? - Whoa! If you want to see your future throw a treasured personal item into the fire.
- Okay.
[ Grunts ] - [ Explodes ] - Not a firecracker! - Hey! I bought it from a guy on your reservation.
- That's Crazy Talk.
- No.
It's true.
No.
I know.
That's my brother.
Crazy Talk.
We're all a little worried about him.
Now look into the flame.
Look ahead 30 years to the man you will become.
[ Bart ] Eww! That's me in the future? - [ Chief] Quiet.
You're about to say something.
- [ Belches ] - ## [ Out OfTune Chords ] - Check.
Check.
Hello.
Capital City.
- [ String Breaks ] - Oh.
way to make a guitar.
Sears.
[ Ralph ] Hey.
Bart.
Any clean towels? Nah.
Use this.
I'm sick of having to dry myself with a newspaper! You could at least do some laundry.
I pay the rent.
Dude.
you know I'm good for it.
I'll have plenty of money when my lawsuit pays off.
You mean the spider bite at Disneyland? Or the incident with the over salted fries.
[ Knocking ] Hologram for Bart Simpson.
- [ Whirring.
Crackling ] - [ Nelson ] Hey.
Dingus.
Your band can play at my club tonight.
- Yes! - [ Exhales ] But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp.
Smell ya later! I can't believe ''Smell ya later'' replaced ''Good-bye.
'' - Smell ya later! - [ Bart.
Ralph ] Smell ya later.
All right! We got our first gig! But you traded your amplifier for a boogie board.
No prob.
I'll just mooch some green off my folks.
- Should we take the hover bus or the non-hover bus? - Non-hover.
[ Gulping ] Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Not half as good as cyber-fudge.
Yo.
It's me! [ Screams ] Oh.
what a bleak.
horrible future we live in! - Don't you mean ''present''? - Right.
right.
Present.
Anyway.
can I get you some Soylent Green? - Isn't that made of people? - Oh.
here we go.
Hey.
Dad.
My band finally got a break.
I just need a little moola to get my amp out of hock.
How 'bout a little loan-ski? Oh! I'm tired of giving you money.
Why can't you be more like Lisa? Oh.
I am so sick of hearing about Lisa! Just because she's doing a little better than me- She's president of the United States! President ''elect.
'' I could've been president.
but I'm too real.
People can't deal with what I'm laying down.
They're just.
like.
''Whoa.
dude.
You can't say that.
'' And I'm.
like.
''Watch me.
'' - We're not giving you money.
- Oh.
but I want some.
You should've thought of that before you dropped out of the DeVry Institute.
What happened to you.
man? You used to be cool.
- I'm still cool! - Nah.
You've changed.
man.
Well.
I do have this robotic prostate.
But you can't see it.
Oh.
you can.
[ Doorbell Rings ] Flanders is a soft touch.
He'll give us the money for sure.
Jesus.
is that you? Mr.
Flanders.
you're blindeded! Oh.
yeah.
I never should've had that trendy laser surgery.
Oh.
it was great at first.
But.
you know.
at the 1 0-year mark.
your eyes fall out.
- Listen.
dude.
- Oh.
hi.
Bart.
How much this time? Dude.
you got me all wrong.
Yeah.
Just answer me this.
Are you holding your mooching sack? My little one.
Bart.
you're never gonna grow up if I keep bailing you out.
Then.
please.
help me help myself.
Oh.
all right.
But only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.
- Hey.
y'all ready to party? - [ Electrical Crackling ] - [ Loud Feedback ] - [ Screaming ] Now we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffett song but he uncooly charges people to cover them.
So here's a Captain Bart original.
Wasted once more in Daiquiritaville - Rip-off!.
- Get off the stage! [ Angry Shouting ] We need more power! The shield won't hold much longer! [ Chirping ] [ Backfires ] Oh.
no.
I've got half a beer in there.
and Bewitched is on.
Now we've got no home.
no money.
and our band's going nowhere and it's all your fault! Smell ya later.
Bart! Smell ya later forever! Oh.
he's right.
I'm a loser.
There's only one way out of this mess.
[ Groaning ] From around the globe to your frontal lobe.
this is Brain Vision News.
Tonight's winning lotto number- 446.
Damn! I was so close! I had 3 27! In other news.
President Elect Lisa Simpson moves into the White House tomorrow.
The 17 -bedroom home features free long distance.
laundry service and three food kitchens.
So I'm the president's no-good brother.
Moochie-moochie.
Lisa's the president? I'm a pathetic loser? I gotta be honest.
I'm not loving this vision.
The fire has more wisdom to impart to you.
In three.
two- Excellent question.
Yes.
I am proud to be America's first straight female president.
- Helen? - Wasn't I wearing a hat? Yes.
Yes.
you were.
Now in conclusion.
my administration will focus on the three R's: reading.
writing and refilling the ocean.
Thank you very much.
As you know.
we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump.
- How bad is it.
Secretary Van Houten? - We're broke.
The country is broke? How can that be? Well.
remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? Big mistake.
The Balanced Breakfast Program just created a generation of ultra-strong super criminals.
And Midnight Basketball taught them to function without sleep.
What about my pledge to build the world's largest bookmobile? Isn't there any money left for that? No.
And we've borrowed from every country in the world.
Quick.
Lisa.
Call off your- [ Grunts ] - Bart! - Ow! Watch the ponytail.
Let him up.
please.
What are you doing here? I knew you'd need some help keeping it real so I figured I could be like your co president.
Co president? Are you crazy? Mom.
Lisa won't share! - Be nice to your brother.
Lisa.
- [ Groans ] - [ Homer Chomping ] - [ Bart Moans ] Don't you think we should wait for Lisa? She is the president.
She knows what time dinner is.
[ Chomping ] ##[ ''Hail to the Chief''] - [ Chomping Continues ] - Sorry I'm late.
I've been racking my brain.
trying to think of something to cut from the budget.
[ Nervous Whistling ] [ All Chomping ] - Hey.
where's Maggie? - Here she is! And look how big she's gotten! Aw,just like her mommy, Maggie Senior.
So.
what did everyone do today? - Appointed a supreme court justice.
- Oh! - Bewitched marathon.
- [ Marge Groans ] - Searched for Lincoln's gold.
- Dad.
that's just a myth.
Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House.
Then what is his ghost protecting? Hey! That's my helicopter.
Yeah.
I sent it to pick up Ralph.
No one was using it.
I fell out two times.
Bart.
you do not send a billion-dollar helicopter to pick up your drinking buddy.
- You've changed.
Lisa.
You used to be cool.
- No.
I didn't.
I am proud to honor the players of the Negro Leagues of Rollerball.
And as we strive for the desegregation of all death sports we cannot help but be inspired by- - [ Bart ] Heads! - [ Grunts ] Hey.
you guys owe me a Frisbee.
A new one.
Bart.
get out of here! Relax.
Lise.
You'll live longer.
I can't relax.
Being president is hard work! - Maybe you should try doing something with your life.
- I'm gonna.
Yeah.
Did you even call about that messenger job? Yeah.
But they said I wouldn't get my first check for two weeks.
Meanwhile.
they're making major interest on my salary.
- Hey.
maybe I could sue 'em! - [ Groans ] Fourscore and four, fourscore and five fourscore and six.
fourscore and seven paces.
- [ Grunts ] - Wait! How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold? You just started counting from an arbitrary place.
- I started what from a what? - Your plan makes no sense.
Gold bars discovered by Marge? Zero! Gold bars discovered by Homer? Well.
let's just see.
- [ Gasps ] - Oops.
Sorry.
honey.
- Gold bars discovered by Homer? - Shut up.
If I'm gonna bail the country out, I'll have to raise taxes.
But in my speech.
I'd like to avoid calling it ''a painful emergency tax.
'' What about ''colossal salary grab''? See.
that has the same problem.
We need to soften the blow.
Well.
if you just want to out-and-out lie- Okay.
We could call it ''a temporary refund adjustment.
'' - I love it.
- Really? What else do you love.
Lisa? - Fiscal solvency.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Me too.
- Thirty seconds.
Madam President.
- Hey.
Lise.
I need a favor.
Not now.
Bart.
I'm about to speak to a hundred million people.
- This speech could make or break my presidency.
- I hear ya.
I want you to play my demo tape in the background while you're yakkin' about whatever.
Now.
this play button is a little screwed up.
so you gotta hold it down.
- Are you insane? - What? You told me I should do something with my life.
- Five seconds.
-[ Loud Clattering ] Mom! [ Clears Throat ] My fellow Americans.
and voting illegal aliens.
I will not mince words.
Your country needs you.
That's why today I'm proposing a temporary refund adjustment.
Refund? Hey.
sounds good to me.
- Sure beats a tax.
- We love you.
President Simpson! The months ahead will be long and arduous but it is only through arduousity that- If you like refund adjustments and the music I play Send a check to my friend Ralph - #And he'll mail you a tape ## - [ Nervous Chuckling ] Uh.
this is my brother.
Bart who doesn't seem to realize this isn't the best time for his music.
He's one of the people I want to help with my programs.
Hey.
Lise.
My music is gonna make it a lot easier for America to swallow your big tax hike.
- [ Lisa Gasps ] - Tax hike! Hold the phone.
Mabel! - I never trusted her.
- Don't blame me.
I voted for Chastity Bono! Daylight come and you want-a my tape Tape He say tape-o - # Post Office Box 30452 ## - Good night.
America.
- And we're out.
- Why.
you little- - [ Grunting ] - Help! Secret Service! [ Gagging.
Gasping ] According to polls.
Americans have emphatically said ''smell ya later'' to President Simpson's refund adjustment.
And that's the news.
- We'll smell you later at 11 :00.
- [ Crackling.
Beeps ] Thanks a lot.
Bart.
All right.
How can we pay off our foreign debt? I'm afraid it looks pretty grim.
We're gonna have to give them the amber waves of grain the purple mountains majesty and the shores of Tripoli.
We don't own the shores of Tripoli.
Shh! By the time they find out.
we'll have taken our cyanide pills.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Why don't we just invite our creditor nations here and gently remind them of America's past generosity? - [ Chattering ] - Yeah.
Now that I like! Oh.
But Bart could screw everything up.
- You want him eliminated? - No.
Just keep him out of my hair.
- Out of your hair with extreme severity? - No! Come on.
Every president gets three secret murders.
If you don't use them by the end of the term.
phht! They're gone.
All right.
Which one of you suits ran over my moped? - I just put a dollar's worth of gas in that thing.
- We're having a meeting.
- You had a meeting this morning! - I have a lot of meetings.
I'm the president! Of what? The United States of Dorksylvania? [ Laughs ] Don't leave me hanging.
Greenspan! You know something.
Bart? You're right.
My lack of coolness is really holding America back.
Thank you.
Down low.
Too slow! [ Chuckles ] You're too much.
Bart.
That's why I'm appointing you Secretary of Keeping It Real.
Wow! You're really askin' for my help? Absolutely.
I want you and your pals to go away to Camp David and write up a report on coolness.
Well.
if my country needs me- - Can we skinny-dip? - At Camp David? Sure! They couldn't keep pants on Kissinger.
Whew.
- [ Excited Chattering ] - [ Bart ] Settle down.
Settle down! I invited you guys here to help me with this report.
Any ideas? Let's start off with a joke.
I got one.
Give me that.
Uh.
what's the difference between Pakistan and a pancake? I don't know any pancakes that were nuked by India! [ Laughing ] What? Too soon? Come on.
people.
We gotta buckle down here.
When we're finished.
we can go through Bill Clinton's porno stash.
[ Excited Shouting ] - We got redheads! - [ Chuckling ] [ Groans ] Lisa's counting on me for this coolness report.
- Coolness report? - [ Gasps ] - You've been had.
boy.
- Billy Carter's ghost! Damn straight.
And I'm here to tell ya you've been sent on a wild goose chase.
You mean Lisa wanted to get rid of me? Well.
that's a big 1 0-4.
When my brother Jimmy was making peace in the Middle East he sent me to Belly Flop Academy.
I guess I am an embarrassment.
You sure are.
But hey! There's an embarrassment of riches at the Caesar's Pow-Wow Indian Casino! You can bet on it! [ Clicks Tongue ] [ Bart ] You put an ad in my vision? Yeah.
Crazy Talk came up with that.
He got idea from Dances with Focus Groups.
[ Homer Grunting ] Marge.
I did it! I found Lincoln's gold! - [ Gasps ] - Huh? ''Dear countryman.
you have come in search of my gold.
and I will not disappoint you.
'' Oh.
boy! Oh.
boy! Oh.
boy! ''My gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American.
'' - Aw.
crap! - ''It's in our mighty rivers.
our majestic''- Well.
isn't that clever? It's a metaphor.
That lying.
rail-splitting.
theater-going freak! - Pay your debt! - [ Speaks French ] - We demand remittance.
- Please.
calm down! We can work something out.
We Germans are not a warlike people.
but even we have limits! Right! Let's bash a noggin! - Yeah.
get her! - That's the spirit! You guys should relax.
You'll live longer.
Bart.
you're supposed to be at Camp David! You're meeting with debt collectors.
and you don't want my help? Do you know how crazy that is? Guys.
the thing is.
we totally have the money.
and we tried to wire it to you.
Guys.
the thing is.
we totally have the money.
and we tried to wire it to you.
But you know how banks screw up.
[ French Accent ] I do not understand.
- We tried to call you all day Saturday.
- We were there Saturday.
Dude.
I know.
I left a message with some guy named Hans.
- Hans? - He might've been a temp.
Very surly.
We have had a lot of turnover.
You pay now! Now! What happened to you.
China? You used to be cool.
Hey.
China is still cool.
You pay later! Later! Solid.
The rest of you.
go on home and look in your mailboxes 'cause I totally remember sending checks out.
[ Murmuring Agreement In Various Languages ] Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Bart! You bought us some time.
What can I do to thank you? - Legalize it.
- Legalize what? Oh! Oh.
Consider it done.
Tasty! That calls for some tune-skis.
[ Guitar: Surf Rock.
Warped ] Oh.
great! Anyone have a paper clip? It gets kind of hazy after that.
Why did a vision of my future include a story about Homer and Lincoln's gold? I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin.
Anyway.
the point is.
you still have the power to change your future.
- I'll do my best.
- You're a good kid.
Here's a coupon for some crab claws.
Hey.
this is expired! There you are! c'mon We have to go Dad pushed a waitress.
and Mom lost $20.
000.
You're not gonna believe it.
Lise.
This cool Indian guy showed me our future.
- Really? Anything good? - I'll say.
I've got my own band and a moped.
- What about me? - Eh.
some government job.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Bart ] Moochie-moochie!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Days of Wine and D'Ohses
The Simpsons s11e18 Episode Script
Days of Wine and D'Ohses
[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # DAYS OF WINE AND D'OH'SES [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Screaming ] Ah, trash night.
In France they call it ''la nuit de poubelle.
'' In Germany it's ''crappenfest.
'' I can't believe it only comes 52 times a year.
Quit gabbin' and start grabbin'.
And remember, the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice.
[ Grunting ] See? A new pacifier for Maggie.
Lookee here! Cardy-board tubes! Now we can have indoor plumbin', just like they's got at the women's lockup.
They spoilt you, Brandine.
Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.
Ha! Look like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his blankie.
He'll pay a lot to get this back.
Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.
- [ Both Laughing ] - [ Groaning ] [ Humming ] Shh! Quiet.
It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs.
Leon Spinks comics.
Worst crossover ever.
- [ Sniffing ] - Yeah.
[ Sniffing, Grunting ] - [ Screaming ] - Shoo, nerds! Shoo! [ Muttering ] Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find.
Dad, that's a sports bra.
All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.
Look, Dad! Barber hair! [ Sniffing ] Ooh, Italian.
[ Chuckles ] Hey, Vinnie.
How's about a pizza? I got-a no job.
[ Chuckles ] [ Gasps ] Mamma mia! Look what the Hawaiian restaurant threw out.
Get out of my dreams and into my car.
[ High-pitched Humming ] - [ Humming Continues ] - I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.
[ Sniffs ] Good lord! That's gas! [ Groans ] Hmm.
- Hmm? - [ Homer's Voice ] Behold! I am King Talkie Tiki! [ Screaming ] Hey, Flanders.
Can your god do that? A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so- Irregardless! I am your god now.
Homer you can just re-wrap the gas line - Do you know how dangerous that is? - Do not anger Talkie Tiki! I am all power- [ Screams ] I'll be at Moe's.
[ Whimpering ] So I says to the cop, ''No you're driving under the influence of bein' a jerk!'' [ Laughing ] - [ Sighs ] - Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face? You glum or somethin'? Huh, glummy? You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered.
- What are you, nuts? - I threw you a party at my house.
You lie! Why would I not remember my own- [ Gulps, Sighs ] birthday? But we did have a shindig for you, Barn.
We even videotaped it.
Look.
[ Moe ] Oh, that's it, baby.
All for Moe.
Oh, yeah, work the slot.
Show me the package.
Whoa.
[ Laughs ] That's-That's a project I'm workin' on.
Sorry.
[ Bart ] Okay, Mom.
We're rollin'.
I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion.
''Now that you're one year older, the time flew by so fast''- - Bart.
- [ Bart Laughing ] Give me that.
[ Groans ] I'm just sayin' that when we die there's gonna be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese and we'll all be a lot happier.
- Mr.
Gumble, you're upsetting me.
- No, I'm not.
Gee.
Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? You wish.
That's the stage we call ''Professor Barney.
'' Talkative, coherent, even insightful.
Here's drunk.
[ Stairs Squeaking ] [ High-pitched Voice ] Well, I'm off to market.
[ Burps ] Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours- Oh, it's just Barney.
[ Shouts ] [ Gasps ] Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag! [ Gulping ] - [ Growling ] - [ Whining ] Oh.
How embarrassing.
- Well, how did this happen? - Oh, that.
You've had that for a while.
Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.
Oh, I'm a disgrace! Disgracefully hilarious.
You passed out before we could even give you your presents.
I still got mine.
Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without- morning-after stationery.
- [ Laughing ] - And I got you helicopter-flyin' lessons.
Can you imagine this booze-bag at the wheel of a whirlybird? [ Laughs ] He'd be all, ''Look at me! I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!'' [ Laughing ] Ah, anyway, happy b-day, pumpkin.
So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me? Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tankin' up.
- [ Grunts ] - Hey, hey.
Where you goin'? I'll show you.
I'm gonna take these helicopter lessons.
Wait a minute, Barney.
You gotta be sober to fly.
I mean, it's not like driving a car.
- Then I'm gonna quit drinkin'! - [ Laughing ] - No, I mean it.
- [ Laughing Continues ] You won't see me here again, ever! Wait.
That ain't funny.
He's my best customer.
Well, the handwriting's on the wall.
To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer.
You mean it's not? Oh.
[ Clicks Tongue ] Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.
Farewell, my longneck friends.
[ Grunts ] [ Shatters ] All right, world.
Get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumble.
Whee! Give me a beer.
I knew you'd be back.
Santeria, you're the greatest.
Barney, didn't you say you were going to stop drinking? I know, but it's so hard! Please help me, Homer.
You came to the right guy.
I'll straighten you out right after I finish this beer.
- Mmm.
[ Gulping ] - Ohh.
- Mmm.
- Ohh.
[ Mumbling ] Oh, man, that's sweet.
Okay, let's go.
My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want A.
A.
This is Triple ''A.
'' Oh.
My name is Homer, and I'm planning a trip to Saint Louis.
- East Saint Louis? - Is there any other Saint Louis? [ Chattering ] Uh, welcome back, Homer.
I see you finally hit rock bottom.
[ Raspberries ] Not a chance.
I can sink way lower.
I just came to help my friend Barney.
We all know why we're here, don't we? To keep ourselves sober, and to network.
So let's get started.
Well, after I lost my third job in two days old Gil was in a pit of despair.
And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic? Oh, no, I never touch the stuff.
But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway.
- [ Gasping ] - Now, this is used crankcase oil which you ladies know is murder to clean up,you know? And company's coming- Oh! You're doing this at the worst possible time.
Oh, your finger's in my eye! I have a problem with alcohol and I need help.
Well, your recovery begins today.
And we promise you all the sugar cookies and secondhand smoke you can handle.
These sugar cookies you speak of are they real or symbolic? They're on that table over there.
Oh, I don't wanna walk that far.
Anything that takes 1 2 steps isn't worth doin'.
Get it? Huh? Twelve? [ Laughs ] Steps? [ Giggles ] Hey, how did I get out here? - ## [ Instrumental ] - [ Giggles ] Hurt everyone.
- Did Ga Ga just say ''Hurt everyone''? - [ Laughs ] Ga Ga- Cute name.
- [ Man ] The Springfield phone book needs a new cover.
- [ Together] It does? Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize.
To enter, send your film to this address.
Too quick? Try again.
Did you get it? Here it is.
Coming in from the left.
Don't delay.
Do it today! - You think we should enter? - Well, it shouldn't be too hard to beat the old photo.
[ Bart ] Ugh.
- Hmm.
- It's gotta be here somewhere.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hey, here's a camera.
And it's still got a roll of film in it.
Man, these old cameras are really built solid.
- Bart, we need that to win the contest.
- Win the what now? [ No Audible Dialogue ] [ Inhales, Exhales ] Here goes.
So he's so busy worrying about the front rotor, he walks right into the back one.
Only in this business.
I'd like to sign up for helicopter lessons.
Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds.
- I got a coupon.
- Okay, get in.
Elvis played a chopper pilot one time.
[ Chuckles ] He made so many darn mistakes we were just laughin' at him.
- Great singer though.
- Oh, absolutely.
You know who else I like is that, uh, Leo Sayer.
Anyway, we're nice and level now.
How would you like to take the controls? - You think I'm ready? - Sure, I do.
One sec.
Testing, black box.
One, two.
[ Screaming ] She's all yours, friend.
[ Grunting ] Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Hey, I think I'm gettin' it! Yes, that's great.
Now let's just pull ourselves out of this tailspin here.
[ Grunting ] Whoo.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
It's okay.
That's what the diapers are for.
Now when the mama bird returns to feed her babies we'll have a prize-winning picture.
Lisa, people these days don't wanna see a baby bird.
They wanna see celebrities at their worst.
[ Bell Dings ] - Mmm.
Mmm.
- Is that Rainier Wolfcastle? - Check out the gut.
- It's for a movie.
I'm playing a fat secret agent.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, Homer.
Uh, no, no, no.
Don't sit there.
Take this seat- right next to the tap.
But that's Barney's seat.
Are you trying to make me the new Barney? Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.
Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seems less raging.
Well, forget it, guys.
I am not Barney.
- [ Burps ] - [ Laughing ] See, Homer? It's not so bad.
- Now dance, rummy.
- O-Okay.
[ Humming ] You danced for hours just because they told you to? If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.
- [ Helicopter Whirring ] - Huh? - [ Gasps ] - Check it out, Homer.
I'm flyin' this thing.
Get it away from the house! - Wanna go for a ride? - Can I, Marge? Can I? - Yes, go.
Just go.
- [ Yowls ] Oh, you missed some big changes at Moe's.
He hangs newspapers over the urinals now.
You can read the sports page while you pee.
Very la-di-da.
I've made some big changes too.
Can you believe I'm flyin' this helicopter? - Power lines.
Power lines! - Whoops.
Sorry.
Whoa! - When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's- - Wasted? What about our staring contests? And the way we always knew what football coaches should've done.
Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker? Those are all priceless memories, Homer but I don't wanna do that stuff anymore.
- Oh, so you're better than me.
Is that it? - I didn't say that.
- Take me home.
- Oh, don't be that way, Homer.
- I'll scream.
- Okay, okay.
So how was your ride with Barney? I don't wanna talk about it.
[ Sobbing ] - [ Door Closes ] - [ Sobbing Continues ] [ Mumbles ] [ Mumbling ] [ Grunting ] Stupid Barney.
Thinks he's too good for me.
Cheer up, Homie.
You don't need friends to be happy.
I haven't had a friend in years.
But you got me.
Who have I got? Oh.
Well, you still have Lenny and Carl.
Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends- If Barney's that important to you, you've gotta work it out.
Old friends stick together, like O.
J.
and A.
C.
, or the Falcon and the Snowman.
Oh, why can't I have a nickname? [ Groans ] - [ Whining, Panting ] - [ Lisa ] Okay, that's it.
Looks good.
Oh, Bart the bulldog didn't ante.
Okay, on three.
One, two- Perfect.
Phone book cover, here I come.
Ha-ha! Hey! No fair! Oh, we'll never get a good picture.
Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head? - That picture's a clichÃ©.
- Picture? Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.
They're in the safety cabinet.
I'll get the key.
[ Bell Dings ] - Oh, hello, Homer.
- Barney.
- Beer, huh? - That's right.
- Enjoy.
- That I will.
- Then we agree.
- You keep thinking that.
- I will.
- Me too.
- Good day then.
- Good day then is right.
- Ta.
- Ta-ta.
- [ Bell Dings ] - Hey, you did not pay for that beer! [ Yelps ] [ Birds Twittering ] Boy, you can see everything from Mount Springfield- - The Squidport, the old monorail- - [ Bart ] The Rlay-Doh factory.
- [ Buzzer Buzzes ] - Crescent moon! Crescent moon! Come on, Springfield.
Sparkle for me, baby.
That's it.
Heads up! Ow! Bart, that's hot.
I said heads up.
Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you and focus on how you suck, but not me.
To me, you're true-blue.
- Aw, thanks, big guy.
- Now dance, rummy.
- Okay.
## [ Humming Off-key ] - Hiya, Moe.
Well, if it isn't little Miss ''I'm not wasting my life anymore'' which he is.
Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years.
- Oh, that's okay, Barn.
- No, it's not okay.
I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
This is a Channel 6 News bulletin.
Fire has broken out on Mount Springfield trapping two youngsters and their camera.
Oh, no.
That's Bart and Lisa! Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, Fireball and Mudflap.
I caught up with Burt on the set.
So, Burt, tell us a little about Fireball and Mudflap.
Well, I playJerry ''Fireball'' Mudflap a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race.
It's garbage.
Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids.
I can't.
I've never flown solo.
Barney, the call is from heroism.
Will you accept the charges? [ Groaning ] Where are you going? The fire's that way.
I know.
I know.
I haven't learned right turns yet.
- Aaah! Look out! - [ Shouts ] - [ Shouts ] - Aaah! - [ Grunts ] - [ Horns Honking ] [ Tires Screeching ] I can't do this.
My nerves are shot.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Horn Honking ] [ Tires Squealing ] - Beer! That's what I need! - Barney, no! Don't! Yes! I need it.
[ Groans ] No! You've gotta be sober for this.
Give me that.
[ Gulping ] Ew, it's warm.
- You can't drink 'em all.
- Oh, yes, I can.
- I'll- - [ Grunting ] Give me that.
I won't let you give up now when you worked so hard- [ Slurring ] to be the greatest pal in the world.
I love you.
Let's not lose touch after graduation.
[ Snoring ] You brave man.
You took six silver bullets for me.
Stay away from my wife.
[ Mumbles ] Looks like it's up to me.
- [ Sighs ] - We should be safe up here.
I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.
- Ow! - Dad! - Hi, kids! [ Laughs ] - Hang on.
I'll throw you a ladder.
[ Shouting ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Screams ] Get off!.
Get off!.
[ Groans ] [ Grunting ] - Dad, help! - Help! All right, I'm comin'.
[ Both Shouting ] Let me know if you're gonna do that again, Homer.
[ Shouting ] - You did it, Dad! - You can't prove I did it.
No! You saved our lives.
I could do a lot of things if I had some money.
- What? - Now there's a picture.
[ Shutter Clicks ] Kids! The new phone books are here and your picture's on the cover! - All right! - Whoa! Cool! Let me see! [ Screaming ] Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film.
Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.
Well, at least we won the bike.
Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the orphanage.
- What? - How could you? Just kidding.
I would never do that.
[ Gasping ] - Well, I'm glad we're friends again.
- Yeah.
- So what do you call this stuff? - A double tall mocha latte.
It's not bad.
Well, it ain't beer.
But at least I got that monkey off my back.
[ Gulping ] Ah.
[ Gulping ] Oh.
[ Gulping ] Oh.
[ Burps ] Ha, ha.
Nobody gets away from Moe.
Nobody.
[ Steam Hissing ] [ Laughing ] [ Coughing ] Oh.
[ Laughs, Coughs ] Oh.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Kill the Alligator and Run
The Simpsons s11e19 Episode Script
Kill the Alligator and Run
[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # KILL THE ALLIGATOR AND RUN [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ All ] Ow! Ow! Ow! - Ow! Ow! Hmm! Here's the mail, Dad.
That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery.
And three makes three.
This isn't real money.
It's printed by the Montana Militia.
It'll be real soon enough.
Ooh.
My first issue of Self-Test Monthly.
Finally I get to find out what makes me tick.
- I'm betting it's hunger and rage.
- Yeah, but at what ratio? ''Are you a good driver?'' Yes.
''Are you a good lover?'' Yes.
Oh, I'm doing great! Dad, those are just the names of the quizzes.
- You're supposed to open the magazine.
- My way is easier.
Why don't you be the quizmaster and ask other people the questions.
Ooh, quizmaster, yes.
That would entertain me briefly.
Okay, Flanders, your love quiz score is 61 .
That makes you a Frigid Frieda.
I took off 30 points for all that crying you did.
[ Sniffles ] Well, it was a little insensitive giving me a sex test seeing that my wife just passed away.
- No way! When? - Six months ago.
You were at the funeral.
You fell into the grave.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.
I saw a gopher.
What a day.
-[ Bird Squawks ] - Okay, last question.
''Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?'' Oh, the little rat-faced one.
No, no, no.
Nick.
He's so good to his mother.
According to this, you're both idiots.
Hey, thanks.
What do we owe you? Okay.
''There's a black widow at your door ''a rattlesnake at the window and a scorpion on the phone.
''Do you, 'A'- none of the below, 'B'-'' Homie, for God sakes, it's 2:00 a.
m.
Fine.
I'll take the next quiz.
''How long will you live? In an average week, how many braised ribs do you eat?'' Marge, do you think that counts honey-braised? I don't know! I'm trying to sleep! Okay, ''nonsmoker- add eight years.
'' Hmm.
So according to this, I'll live to be- 42? Oh, that's horrible! I won't even live to see my children die.
[ Sobbing ] Now what's wrong? I've only got three more years to live.
Well, maybe you added it wrong.
Let me have it.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Mmm-mmm-mmm! See? And these quizzes are never wrong, Marge.
They're put together by the finest scientists in the magazine business.
Oh, honey, don't panic.
If you just made a few lifestyle changes- No! [ Sobbing ] Can't sleep.
Gonna die.
Can't sleep.
Gonna die.
We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans.
Now before you did The Godfather.
there was Love Story.
Tell us about that.
Ah, Love Story.
The little picture that could.
Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? [ Chuckles ] You better believe they weren't.
But once that tearjerker hit John Q.
Popcorn it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way.
And the critics loved it too.
I remember Vincent Canby said- - I'm gonna kill you, Homer.
You are so dead.
- [ Screams ] Now Chinatown was a classic.
But you had problems with the sequel, The Two Jakes? Oh, boy.
Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili.
I said to myself, ''Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one- kill Homer Simpson.
'' - [ Screams, Whimpers ] - Hey, what's all the screaming? Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know? Maybe you should see a doctor, Homie.
A head doctor.
I'm not crazy.
It's the TV that's crazy! Aren't you, TV? The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday.
The solution? A snappy banner.
Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne and six drafts later, I had myself a party.
You see? Gibberish.
All gibberish.
So tell me, are all you government inspectors so handsome and strapping? Well, we've got a Soloflex down at H.
Q.
Anyway, everything looks great, Mr.
Burns.
I can't find a single violation or employee acting strangely.
[ Whimpers ] You got to hide me.
Death is after me.
And I don't entirely trust these cowboys.
- Is this man an employee? - Of course not.
He's just a harmless maniac here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity.
Oh, God! What's he doing? That's it.
That's it.
A mother can't die.
And I'm a mother.
See? [ Nervous Laughing ] - [ Homer Whimpering ] - You hate your father, don't you? Sometimes.
But the guy I really hate is your father.
I shouldn't have brought that up.
I was just venting.
Anyhoo, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia which is provoking your erratic behavior.
Well, why isn't my baby gaining weight? - Because it's made of plastic.
- I see.
What you need is a good, long rest.
I suggest Florida.
Florida? But that's America's wang.
They prefer The Sunshine State.
- Mom, Bart's sitting next to me! - Mom, Lisa's growing! Quiet, you two.
You know your father's had a breakdown.
- My pockets hurt.
- Okay, honey.
We're almost to Palm Corners.
There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax.
[ Chattering, Cheering ] [ Tires Squeal ] [ All ] Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break! [ Gasps ] Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass! This looks like a terrible place to relax.
We're gonna get you to a- Huh? - [ Homer Laughing ] - [ Cheering ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Groans ] Party! Whoo-hoo! #Hey.
boys it's the wild weekend # # We did it then and we'll do it again # # We're having fun and we just got started # - ##[ Fades Out ] - This is terrible.
The whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest.
Jealous of your boobs Not now [ Yawns ] Well.
enjoy your sightseeing.
I promise I won't leave this bed.
I trust you, honey.
[ Grunts ] Sweet dreams.
[ Kiss ] Uh, could you just shut off the- - Party! Party! Party! - [ Gasps ] Party! Party! [ Grunts ] Party? Now this is living! [ Cheering ] Whoo! Sepulveda here doing the veejay thing for the most out-of-control spring break ever! - And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard! - [ Beeping ] No! Not yet! I'm only 25! - [ Grunting ] - What up.
chew-toys? Cienega here tightening the hose clamps for you bad girls.
We've got Kid Rock coming up for all you mosh monkeys.
Whoo! I like music! - ## [ Rock ] - Yo! Yo! Straight out of Detroit, y'all.
It's the J-O-E to the C.
Let's rock the party with Kid Rock.
Oh, no! It's a lost child! Don't worry, folks.
I'll tackle him.
[ Grunts ] - ## [ Rock ] - Yo, Rock.
Tell spring break what your name is.
My name is Kid - # Kid Rock # - ## [ Singing Gibberish ] [ Continues ] And if you look to your left you'll see another endless stretch of stagnant water.
Oh, well, look who turned out to greet us, folks.
It's our town's most famous resident, Captain Jack.
- Look at the size of that gator.
- Is he a man-eater? - Only convicts and hoboes.
- Do you have any hobo chunks we can throw to him? Afraid not.
Now years ago Captain Jack helped build Palm Corners by dragging sticks and stones from the swamps.
Legend has it he designed the town flag.
Say hello.
Captain Jack.
- [ Onlookers ] Ahh.
- [ Shutters Clicking ] Oh, he can crawl up through my toilet any day.
- ## [ Ends ] - [ Cheering ] Thank you! It's the pimp of the nation, Kid Rock, tearing it up at spring break, y'all! Now what we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute.
Bring on the rappin' granny! What? She's hilarious.
You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party.
And we're gonna give props to the fallen by pouring a 40 on the curb.
[ Chattering ] But this ain't no 40-ounce curb.
- So we're gonna need 40 gallons, y'all! - [ Cheering ] - All for Homer.
- [ Crowd Booing ] - All for Homer.
- What the- - Hey, who's that fool? - Yo, let's waste that beeyotch! Beeyotch? Moi? [ Grunts ] - Ahh! Son of a- - [ Laughing ] - #We built this city on rock and roll # - [ Booing ] Uh-oh! [ Whimpers ] We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.
- Let's do this thing.
- All right now, boys, that's enough.
Kid Rock, that's not like you.
And.
Joe C.
.
would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that? No, sir.
Please don't tell Mama.
They called you a pig, Sheriff.
Well, I don't care what they call me as long as they play ''Fist of Rage.
'' That's a good song.
[ Chuckles ] [ Groaning ] Oh, thank goodness! Where were you? Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen! Ohh! - I hope he didn't cause too much trouble, Sheriff.
- Ah, boys will be boys.
I reckon he was just blowing off a little steam.
[ Chuckles ] Doesn't he talk funny? [ Yawning ] Hey, my insomnia, it's gone.
Check it out, Marge.
I'm sane again.
And I owe it all to spring break! Whoo! Whoo! I'm an animal! Huh? Hey, where is everybody? Spring break is over.
It's time to get back to our studies.
The world looks to us, the college students, for leadership.
Fine.
Be nerds.
I'll find some people who know the true meaning of the words ''par-tay.
'' #Louie Louie # #Oh.
no I said we gotta go # - # Yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah ## - #We built this city # This kick-ass city What kind of music built this city Rock and roll - Dad, look out! - # Look out for what # - #The giant gator # - #The giant-## [ Gasps, Screams ] - Oh, no! - [ Siren Wailing ] [ Gasps ] You killed Captain Jack.
You in a heap of trouble, son.
You'll have to catch me first! Uhh! - [ Crunching ] - [ Homer] OwI OwI OwI Okay.
I'll go quietly.
- [ Siren Wailing ] - [ Clicks ] - Did you really have to handcuff the children? - No, ma'am, I did not.
You seemed so understanding before.
What happened to ''boys will be boys''? You see, during spring break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way.
The rest of the year, I'm a real hard-ass.
- Okay, sweet pea, you're next.
- [ Sucking ] - Whoa! Looks like we got a teeny Houdini here.
- [ All Laughing ] Well, don't you worry, darlin'.
I got some baby cuffs in the station.
Look.
This is our chance.
[ Grunts ] Let's go! You can't drive, Dad.
He's got your license.
- I'm gonna try anyway.
- [ Engine Starts ] It worked! It's a miracle! - [ Tires Squealing ] - Oh, dang it! Now why does that only happen when nobody's looking? - [ Squawking ] - [ Siren Wailing ] - [ Wailing Continues ] - [ Banging ] - Pull over! - There's no good place! There's lots of good places! What about over there? - No shade! - [ Gunshots ] - [ Whistle Blowing ] - Huh? - [ Bell Clanging ] - Perfect.
Homer, no.
You'll kill us all.
Or die trying.
[ Grunts ] - [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ All Screaming ] - [ Siren Stops ] - Dang! - [ All Sighing ] - D'oh! - [ All Screaming ] - Dad, what do we do? - The only thing we can do.
Sit tight and try to get some sleep.
[ Snoring ] [ Metal Screeching ] [ Whinnying ] - [ Metal Screeching ] - [ Whistle Blowing ] [ All Snoring ] [ Yawns ] Hey, where's Dad? [ Grunts ] Rise and shine, everybody.
- You went to the snack car? - Yeah.
But first I talked to the engineer.
He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of this nature.
[ All Screaming ] [ Homer] Oh! Okay.
Now am I the only one on fire? Good.
[ Screaming ] This family has hit a new low.
We're on the run from the law, totally lost no car, no money, no clean clothes and it's all your fault.
I love being married.
- A diner? - It's perfect! We can hide out here until the heat's off.
You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous.
- How do you know I'm gonna hire you? - Sorry.
I just want to be a broom boy so bad.
I like your attitude.
You're hired.
How about you, missy? - Do you want to be a mop girl? - Not really, no.
I like your honesty.
You're hired.
And you two haven't said a word.
I like that.
You're hired.
- Whoo-hoo! - Hey, keep it down.
Y'all can stay in this trailer.
- Now it ain't Buckingham Palace.
- Ohh! But I raised eight young-uns, three chilluns and a baby here.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Lisa ] EwI Oh, it's so cozy.
You're insincere.
I like that.
[Jukebox: Country ] - Can I top you off, hon? - No, thanks.
- More hash browns, sugar? - No, I'm good.
[ Man On Radio ] This just in.
Authorities in Six Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives.
They're charged with gatorcide and defrauding an Amtrak snack bar.
- [ Turns Off] - Trouble with the law, huh? Well, I'm not one to judge.
The way I see it, we're all sinners.
[ Humming ] Y'all just lie low here.
You'll be safe with ol' Velma.
- Stop that! - But I was just- - Scat! - gonna try to- - Go on now! - knock you out.
Just quit.
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I'm not there We built this city on rock and roll Something, something day Wow.
Look at all the stars you can see here.
Those noxious gases from the swamp must magnify them.
I'm getting used to this country life.
Teacher says I'm whittling at a 1 0th grade level.
- And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore.
- Too hot to bicker, I reckon.
You know, killin' that gator was the best decision I ever made.
- Got that right.
- Darn tootin'.
- Boy howdy.
- Yep, this place is great.
Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs.
- Yuck! - You mean when they marry other people.
Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.
[ Snoring ] - [ Engine Starts ] - [ Tires Squealing ] [ Yawns ] Hey, wake up! We're moving! [ Siren Wailing ] - You just relax.
I'll have you in jail by suppertime.
- You'd better.
Hey, you're stealing my trailer! I like that.
Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself.
Drunken hicks of the jury- [ Gasps ] [ Clanking ] [ Grunting ] We'd be much better rock breakers if we weren't all chained together.
- Ow! - No talkin'.
You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Ow! I'm beginning to dislike the man with the whip.
[ Siren Wailing ] Afternoon, folks.
I got a new assignment for you.
The judge is having a little soiree - and he needs some help.
- Ow! No listenin'.
You hear me? Uh, no.
- You just don't learn, do you? - Ow! [ Chattering ] Champagne, madam? Ow! Son of a- And the gentleman? Ow! Damn it! - Simpson, we got a problem.
The jazz pianist didn't show up.
- What am I supposed to do? - ## [ Off-key ] - [ Chattering ] - Ow! - ## [Jazz ] [ Chattering ] Okay, Bart.
I'll sweet talk the sheriff while you grab his keys.
- What should I do? - Restock the possum bar.
We're almost out of claws.
- Ohh! - My goodness.
What a lovely suit, Sheriff.
Is that seersucker? Nah.
Not on a civil servant's salary.
It's near-sucker.
Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.
Yup.
It's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it.
Hoo-man! Dang, I wish I could.
But in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.
Well, now.
[ Chuckles ] I might could switch you to dead animal pick up.
- HeyI - Ooh.
- Run! - [ Panting ] Huh? [ Groaning ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Homer Whimpers ] [ All Whimpering ] - Hey.
- Ooh.
Nice try.
I guess we just haven't been whipping you enough.
- [ Whimpers ] - Sake's alive! [ Growls ] Our beloved Captain Jack isn't dead after all.
[ Chattering ] Well, don't that beat all? I guess you folks just stunned him.
That's what we've been trying to tell you! Well, looks like you folks are free to go.
But don't you set foot in the state of Florida again.
Fine.
There are plenty of other states that are happy to have us.
Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona.
- Arizona smells funny.
- [ Groans ] North Dakota, here we come.
I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore.
- That's South Dakota.
- Oh! ##[ Rock ] #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # [ Echoes ] #Love # [ Echoes ] #And for the hate ## - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Last Tap Dance in Springfield
The Simpsons s11e20 Episode Script
Last Tap Dance in Springfield
[Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Tarzan Yell ] [ Man ] The Cyborganizer- a high-tech robocop created for one purpose only: to help the N.
Y.
P.
D.
tackle its tedious paperwork.
Good work, Cyborganizer.
I can streamline any procedure- except this thing you call "love.
" Oh, poor Cyborganizer.
Homer, sitting that close to the TV can't be good foryou.
Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you.
You should getyour eyes checked.
I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies.
Why don'tyou come along?.
Nah.
I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it.
How can I organize this modeling agency and still be a good single father?.
- I loveyou, Daddy.
- [Audience ]Aww!.
[ Groans ] Too late! Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie.
Whee! Touch the sky! - Dad, I've got Maggie.
- Who said that?.
[ Scoffs ] Come on, Bart.
Whileyour dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop foryour trip.
Oh, I hate shopping.
Just get me a deck of cards and I'll win whatever I need from the other kids.
Butyou need to try things on.
Every brand has a different idea of"husky.
" [ Grunts ] I'm in tantrum position.
T-minus 5, 4, 3- Remembering dead cat for real tears, and- Fine, you win.
I'll doyour shopping foryou.
Tantrum averted.
But now I can't forget the cat.
[ Weeping ] Okay.
Let's get started.
- [Snoring] - Oh! - Hey, wake up.
- [ Muttering ] Sorry.
- Now read the first line.
- "I ate pee-pee.
" [ Laughing ] - Why, you little- - [ Gagging ] - [ Woman ] Better orworse? - [ Homer] Worse! - Better orworse? - Much better.
[ Gagging ] Dad! That pair's popularwith celebrities like Val Kilmer.
Ooh! My favorite Door.
- And Yoko Ono.
- Ew! She ruined the Plastic Ono Band.
Maybeyou're a candidate for laser eye surgery.
Will it get me out of havin' to choose glasses?.
Well, yes, but I must warn you it's an experimental procedure and we still don't know the long-term effects- Less yappin', more zappin'.
Well, looks like we got everything for Bart's camping trip:.
BlairWitch repellent, antler saw and deep-woods Scrabble.
[ Gasps ] Ooh! Tango de la Muerte.
I've been dying to see that movie.
It got rave reviews from both the Entertainment Radio Network and the Radio Entertainment Network- let's go.
- [Zapping] - [ HomerScreaming] Wait.
You gotta use these drops.
They prevent your eyes from crusting over.
Oh, here we go with the add-ons.
No, thanks.
[ Tango ] Now that my severed foot has been reattached I must win back the coveted dance title- Loco Legs.
As yourwise but alcoholic dance coach I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling.
Oh, there he is.
And now, I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest.
Hmm.
[ Grunts ] Hmm-hmm.
[ Grunts ] No! [ Gasps ] - Hmm.
- Oh, he'll never dance with her.
She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse.
- I demand to knowyour name.
- My name is Lisabella.
[ Gasps ] That's my name with "bella" on the end ofit.
Ask her.
Oh, God.
Please ask her to dance.
- I shall dance with her.
- Ooh! QuÃ© malo.
Once again, I must sugar my own churro.
But I am just a simple librarian.
I have only read about dancing in books.
[ Chuckles ] I will showyou something that is in no book.
- [ Gasping ] - [ Gasps ] Ooh! Mmm.
Ohh! Mmm.
She's not plain.
She's beautiful.
[Tango] [Applause] There is just one dance that will beat them: the tango de la muerte.
[ Gasps ] Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead.
My twin brother, Freduardo.
But where he died, I shall live- in his apartment.
[ Gasping ] You are now carrying my child.
- But how?.
- It is the mystery ofthe dance.
Oh, Mom, I wanna be a dancer.
That's wonderful, honey.
We should askyour father, though.
Where is he, anyway?.
[Imitating Marge ] Now, Homie, when we get to the liquorstore buy me some Jack Daniels and a carton of smokes.
- Yes, dear.
- [ Both Snickering ] [ Marge ] Ohh.
I remember Little Vicki Valentine.
Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression.
Well, I thinkWorld War II helped a little, Mom.
Don't smart-mouth, Lisa.
- A great big sunshine hello toyou.
- Hi, LittleVicki.
[ Chuckles ] Thatwas such a long time ago.
I'm just plain Vicki now.
All right.
I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki.
- LittleVicki.
- Butyou just said- Sowhat dance stylewereyou interested in?.
We have ever so many.
There's ballroom.
- [ Cracks ] - Ow! You stepped on my toes again! Ifyou would just let me lead- - You're not a leader, Seymour.
Never have been, neverwill be.
- Oh! There's square dancing.
[ Rhythmically] Oh, the birdie in the cage out, lady in the center.
Now the birdie is purty and the crows hop in.
Put the featherall together, hell-bent forleather.
Putyourhoneyin the saddle- Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous- tap.
[ Tapping ] But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the tango de la muerte.
Oh, bless your heart.
Let's getyou some tap shoes.
Uh, Little Vicki, I really think she had her heart set on- - Little advice, don't live through your child.
- Okay.
Camp is gonna be great.
Seven days without parents, homework or ear medicine.
- [ Grunts ] - Yes, sir.
This is gonna be the best week of ouryoung lives.
- I'm gonna pound you two all week.
- Oh.
What'd we do?.
Nothin'.
But I gotta pound somebody.
- [Nelson ] Ha-ha! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Now where do we go?.
- I don't wanna go home.
My grandma's sleeping in my bed, and she has skin like a basketball.
Wait a minute.
Everybody thinks we're at camp this week.
We can staywhereverwe want.
Yeah, like the Four Seasons.
Each room has its own safe.
I've got a better place.
The mall?.
Yeah.
It's just like my dad always says: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall.
Food, fun and fashion- the mall has it all.
What?.
What did he say?.
Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa.
- Tappa-tappa-tappa.
- [ Tapping ] [ All Tapping ] Teacher, my shoes are making noise.
You must be Ralph.
- My daddy shoots people.
- [ Grunts ] Good.
Good.
Wait a minute.
Somebody's offthe beat.
Let me hearyou two.
Okay, now you.
Whoa.
[ Shouts ] - [ All Laughing ] - Children, stop it.
- For all you know, she has a medical condition.
- Nope.
- I see.
- [ Groans ] This is way better than camp.
No mosquitoes, no stupid camp songs.
Ifyou're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands [Man On P.
A.
]Attention, shoppers.
The mall is now closed.
Okay, folks.
You heard the recording.
Clear out.
[ Both Gasping ] Quick.
Up here.
- Where are we goin'?.
- Quiet.
Just keep scurrying.
[ Screaming, Grunting ] Worms! Gold! Wait, this is just chocolate.
Chocolate! And these are gummyworms.
Gummy! Warheads.
Jelly Bellies.
We're like two kids in a candy store.
[ Together] Yes! Flavor's gone.
Flavor's gone.
Shoe fight! Ow! No golfshoes.
- Ready, Milhouse?.
- Gimme a sec.
[ Bart ] Ready?.
Jump! [ Screaming ] Whoa! Whoa! We're lumberjacks! Oh, myGod.
Look at this place.
How could this happen? There's candy chewed, wigs pulled from stands cheese packages poked and repoked.
Every sign points to one obvious culprit- a giant rat.
You'll have to shut down the mall.
On President's Dayweekend?.
Areyou crazy?.
Crazywith concern for the public, yes.
Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk.
[ Groaning, Muttering ] Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa.
- Oh.
Whoa! - Ow! Sorry.
The floor's kind of at an angle here.
I'm gonna move over there.
Okay.
From tappa-tappa-tappa.
[ Grunts, Groans ] Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.
Oh! Let's take five.
What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?.
Well, you're falling a lot.
Maybeyou should work on that.
Yeah.
Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction than just "tappa-tappa-tappa.
" Why, backwhen I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa.
I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.
Sorry.
I'm just frustrated.
Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude.
You've just got to turn that frown upside down.
That,s a smile, not an upside-down frown.
- Work on that too.
- [ Sighs ] Hey, we got a postcard from Bart.
"Dear Mom and Homer: I'm having fun.
" Oh, it sounds like he's havin' fun.
Why does it have a picture ofVitamin Barn?.
Didn'tyou ever go to camp?.
The old Vitamin Barn.
There's our Broadway baby.
[ Groans ] - Hey, dig that crazy rhythm.
- I'm just walking.
- Listen, I know I said I wanted to be a dancer, but- - And you will be a dancer.
Look at you, all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes.
You're Daddy's precious dancing queen.
- And you look adorable.
- [ Groans ] Now, honey, what wereyou trying to say before we kept interrupting with our loving proudness?.
Yes, our tiny tapper.
What was it you were going to say after "I wanted to be a dancer, but-"?.
But I just need more practice.
See ya.
- [ Tapping] - Oh.
What's that awful sound?.
- The furnace?.
- It,s me.
[ Together] Aww! Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki?.
My kitty cat's sick - and I'd be ever so sad if she should die.
- [ Coughing ] Well, I'm no animal doctor or nothin' but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up?.
- Dancin'.
- Dancin'?.
Dancin'.
- But I don't know how to dance.
- Oh, I'll show you how.
There.
Now you're gettin' it.
Look at me, Powder Puff.
I'm dancin'.
[ Meowing ] [ Sighs ] The cat dances better than I do.
[ Sighs ] The cat dances better than I do.
Gosh, that cheese looks good.
Think I could grab it before that anvil hits?.
- I don't know, Chief.
It's a million to one.
- I like those odds.
[ Grunts ] - [ Snickering ] - [ Wiggum Groaning] My mistake was grabbing the cheese.
[ Coughs ] [ Humming In Gibberish ] Professor Frink, will that spaceship be ready for the recital?.
I have visited the future, and yes, it will.
[ Gibberish ] Okay, kids.
Tonight's the big night.
Now remember, the important thing is to just dance flawlessly.
Excuse me.
Whyisn,t myname in the program? It is, silly.
You've got the most important part of all.
- "Curtain puller"?.
- No one can see the show ifthe curtain isn't open.
But my parents are counting on seeing me dance.
And I've worked ever so hard.
I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class?.
- Communism! - That's right.
And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood just to roll out thewelcome mat forthe Reds.
[ Sighs ] All right.
I'll be the stupid curtain puller.
[ Grunts ] Smoothly.
Pulla-pulla-pulla.
I getyour pulla-pulla-pulla.
,Scuse me, Lisa, but I couldn,t help but overhearyournerdlypredicament.
Maybe I can be of assistance with the dancing and the twisting and the kung fu fighting.
[ Gibberish ] I first observed this technology at the airport gift shop.
As you see, it responds to any percussive sound with an exuberant shaking ofits groove thing, yeah, yeah.
It's most entertaining, but how does that help me?.
Observe.
[ Muttering ] Ooh! That's brilliant, Professor.
What will you think of next?.
Well, I also found this at the gift shop.
Isn't it cute?.
I'm hoping to turn it into a weapon.
[ Cackling Gibberish ] It'll kill ya.
I've gotta go now.
[ Roaring ] - Should I get the backup lion, Chief?.
- Would you?.
Can you see the lion anywhere?.
[ Snarling ] - Well, doyou see him or not?.
- [ Whimpers ] [ Whining, Imitating Lion ] Areyou saying he's right on the other side ofthat plant?.
[Whining ] - [ Snarls ] - Okay.
Run! - [ Roars ] - [ Screaming ] This way! [ Panting ] Uh-oh.
Bart, you're a genius.
[ Screams ] - You okay, Milhouse?.
- Nothing that a handful of gummy bears can't fix.
[ Both Chuckling ] Well, well.
Looks like the cat got the rat.
And that's the end ofthat tale.
And that's the end ofthat tale.
Okay, everyone.
We need big smiles out there, so line up for dimpling.
- Now this may hurt a lot.
What am I saying, "may"?.
- [ Both Gasp ] Ow! Now that's a happy face.
Little Vicki, I figured out how to dance.
I can be in the show now.
I'm sorry, Lisa.
People go to a children's dance recital expecting a certain level of professionalism.
But-Butyou don't understand- [ Groaning ] I ate too much plastic candy.
Heavens to betsy.
The star ofthe show is sick.
Whateverwill we do?.
There's only one person who can get us out ofthis pickle.
- Lisa?.
- Yes?.
- Help me into Ralph's costume.
- [ Sighs ] - ## [ Fanfare ] - Showtime, children.
Let's go.
Okay, curtain puller.
This is your moment to shine.
Oh, it's too important.
I'll do it foryou.
[ Sighs ] Lean, muscular children of Mars, we bring you candy.
[ All Giggling ] - Let's walk overto them.
- Whywalkwhen you can dance?.
[Piano; Pop] - Where's Lisa?.
- Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.
On the spaceship Lollipop Gingerbread men like to do hip-hop And chocolate chips - Huh?.
- [ Beeping ] [Tapping] We just love to dance on Mars where everything- Oh.
There she is.
Hi, honey.
Wow.
Look at her go.
Yeah, that pressure we put on her really paid off.
[Audience ] Ohh! Oh! [ Muttering ] Whoa! - What are you doing?.
- I can't help it.
It's the shoes.
Nobody upstages Little Vicki.
[ Hisses ] Oh, please stop.
I'm just getting started.
[Audience ] Ohh! [ Cheering ] Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody.
Give it up for my little girl.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Muttering ] Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! [ Screaming ] [ All Screaming ] Lisa's gone berserk.
Do something, Homer.
Do something! - Oh.
Thanks, Dad.
- I didn't think.
Ijust acted.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - Self-tapping shoes?.
I'm ever so pissed.
I'm sorry, Vicki.
I just wanted to be a dancer so badly.
[ Sighs ] I understand.
We all do crazy things when we're desperate.
I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating.
- Why?.
- He knows why.
Jesus, Mary and glavin! These shoes are in the off position.
You mean I danced all by myself?.
See, honey?.
All you needed was to believe- What are you talkin' about, Professor Frink?.
They're clearly in the on position.
See?.
"On.
" I was merely trying to spare the girl's feelings, you insensitive clod.
Oh.
Ohh! Well, now that I look even closer- Forget it, Dad.
[ Sighs ] I guess I'm never gonna be a Broadway baby.
That's not true, honey.
You can always write a depressing Broadway play of some kind.
- You think so?.
- Sure.
It could be a story about people coming to terms with things.
Hey, yeah.
You could load it up with lots ofswears.
That's what David Mamet does.
Oh, I loveyou guys.
Uh-oh.
It's out ofits matrix! Nobody move! Why, it's just a cute little weasel.
Hello, there, Mr.
Weasel.
- Isn,t that cute?[Screaming] - [ElectricityCrackling] I,m down! [ Tapping] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Little Vicki] Tappa-tappa-tappa.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge
The Simpsons s11e21 Episode Script
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge
[Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing] [ Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Gasps ] Now be careful with those video cameras, children.
In order to buy them, the school board had to eliminate geography.
This globe will never spin again.
Now, class, I want you to be creative with your video projects.
- I don't want to see 30 Blair Witch knockoffs.
- [ All Moan ] [ Both Laughing ] Stop Hitting Yourself, take one.
- Stop hitting yourself!.
Stop hitting yourself!.
- [ Grunting ] Stop hitting yourself!.
Tonight on the Discovery Channel, Inside Lisa's Nose.
What will we find, boogers or Nazi gold? - Bart, quit it! - No way.
- Bart sleeps with Raggedy Andy.
- Cut, cut, cut! Otto, a red traffic light means what?.
Oooh.
No time for brainteasers.
Today's the day I ask my girlfriend to take a ride on the matrimony pony.
Otto's got a girlfriend Otto's got a girlfriend - That's right, I do.
- I know you do.
Baby! Otto, since when have you had a girlfriend?.
We met in the summer of love.
Woodstock, '99.
- ##[Rock] - [ Cheering ] - Quick! I need some water! - Eight dollars! [ Scoffs ] Not in this lifetime.
Okay.
This is it.
Otto?.
Every rose has its thorn Just like every cowboy Sings a sad, sad song Becky, you're my rose.
Will you let me be your thorn?.
Oh, Otto.
Of course my answer is- Oooh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
This solo is kick-ass! Ã¢â¢ÂªÃ¢â¢Âª[ Guitar Solo] - Honey, could you turn it down?.
- Okay.
But this better be worth it.
- Yes, I will marry you.
- Cool.
[ Kids Cheering ] Hmm.
Hmm.
Homer, look! We're invited to Otto's wedding.
Ooh, and such delicate tissue paper.
Huh?.
Zig-Zag? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! No knife games on the kitchen table.
I didn't hit your precious table! Ohhh, we're "cordially invited this Saturday to join Otto and Becky at 742 Evergreen Terrace"?.
That's our address! I told Otto he could have the wedding here.
Hope that's okay.
You should have asked first, Bart.
Weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars! Hey, it'll be easy.
You still got most of the stuff from Apu's wedding back there.
[ Trumpeting ] Oh, all right.
Otto can get married here.
But, Homer, you have to get rid of that elephant.
[Whimpering ] Let's see.
Candles, flowers, place cards, rice.
Oh, Mom, you're not supposed to throw rice anymore.
Birds eat it, their stomachs swell, and they explode.
Why am I just learning this now?.
[ Chuckles ] [ Organ ] Son, your mother and I don't approve of this marriage as we have not approved of any part of your life to date.
- Well, the important thing is you came.
- We're leaving.
Drive safe.
[ Grunts ] Always a bridesmaid, only occasionally a bride.
Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men.
- They're pigs?.
- The bitterness is strong in this one.
- [ Both Laughing ] - [Whimpering ] So, any words for the bride and groom?.
Not now, Bart.
I'm trying to urinate.
You don't seem to be trying very hard.
[ Humming ] Dad! The bride and groom are supposed to cut the wedding cake.
Oh, that's just superstition.
- Thank you.
- [ Groans ] [ Humming ] Mm-hmm.
[Whistling ] Oh, Becky, you look beautiful.
I thought you might want to see this bridal magazine.
It's got 900 tips forth perfect marriage- all don'ts.
Oh, we'll be fine.
Otto's got a clean police record and he doesn't do any needle drugs.
Well, the real key according to sexperts is mutual interests.
No prob.
We like all the same things.
- Except- - Mm-hmm?.
Don't tell Otto, but I'm not into heavy metal and he loves it.
He refers to our lovemaking as the Head bangers Ball! Oh, you can fix little defects like that with gentle nagging.
Make it part of the background noise of your relationship.
That's how I polished Homer into the perfect- Homer! - No! That's ice! - [ Grunting ] [ Humming ] - ##[ Organ] - And now- [ Clears Throat] As forth matter of my honorarium.
- What?.
- You know, my emolument.
- Huh?.
- Pay me- $300.
["Here Comes the Bride"] [ Heavy Metal ] Whoo!.
[Laughing] #Ah,yeah# You got Poison to play at our wedding?.
- We're Cyanide.
A loving tribute to Poison.
- We need a ride home! You expect me to walk down the aisle to a monster ballad?.
Let me talk to Otto.
That's okay.
I guess this is sort of - [ Sobs ] our song.
- Well, it doesn't have to be.
Otto's just going to have to decide what's more important- his heavy metal or you.
[Heavy Metal] Becky, what have I done here?.
I'm so sorry.
In about 1 5 minutes, I'd take off that wedding dress or you're gonna look crazy! [ Sobbing ] Moe, can I give you some shrimp forth road?.
Nah.
I'll just take the ring pillow and these, uh, seven presents I bring.
Ah, you know what?.
Cram some shrimp in too.
Head to tail.
That way you can fit more.
How about some sauce?.
Thanks.
Becky, I know you must feel awful but at least this didn't happen after you were married.
Yeah.
It's better now than when you're too old and fat to get another man.
I feel so low.
What am I going to do?.
Hey, why don't you stay with us?.
Bart, remember that talk we had about you volunteering our house?.
Remember that talk we had about you not wrecking people's weddings?.
[ Groans ] It's settled.
The stranger stays with us.
- Yea! - [ Groans ] Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Time to change the oil Changes Don't want to be an oily man A man innocently changes his oil when a two-ton car comes crashing down! - # Changing oil ## - Crashing down! [ Grunting, Moans ] Who'd have thought you could hold up a car with a wicker basket?.
Now Lisa's going through this phase where she doesn't eat any meat.
So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables.
Wow! You're a real-life Martha Stewart.
I mean, without the evil.
May I?.
Mmm, yummers! Nobody's ever called my gravy yummers before.
Mmm! You know what would be really nuts?.
A little rosemary.
Ooh! I've always wanted to use rosemary in something.
[ Grunting ] Mmm! Mmm.
Mom, this gravy tastes better than God's sweat.
Thanks to our own spice girl, Becky.
Well, Mom, you really brought out the mung in these beans.
Actually, that was Becky too.
What are these things in the mashed potatoes?.
That's the skins.
I left them on.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Let me just pick those out.
No! Oh, Becky, your potatoes are the best I've ever had.
Oh, God.
- [ Karate Shouts ] - [ Gasps ] Stop kicking my baby! Oh, it's cool.
We're just putting some Jackie Chan moves into Bart's video project.
Yeah, Mom.
I need something great.
Milhouse has footage of himself falling down the stairs.
Well, no kicking.
It's too dangerous.
Marge, chill out.
I have great control.
See?.
[ Karate Shouts ] That's very impressive, but I still don't-Stop that! [ Karate Shouts ] - ##[Saxophone] - [Becky Grunting] Hello? Hello!.
We're jamming, Mom.
She's painting my music and I'm playing to her painting.
Isn't it wonderful to have a hip female influence in the house?.
Yes.
Well, I guess I'll go roll socks.
It's not hip, but it has to be done.
Actually, you could just tie them at the ends.
That way the elastic doesn't wear out.
Yes.
I hate when things get worn out.
Mmm, socks, welcomes.
She's so helpful.
And everyone loves her.
And, well, this may sound crazy but I think my family likes Becky more than me.
[ Laughing ] - I wouldn't worry about that.
- Oh, really?.
Yeah.
You're gonna be dead in a week anyway.
- Dead in a week?.
What are you talking about?.
- Look, honey.
Never let an attractive woman into your house.
All they ever do is usurp your family and then kill you.
Like that documentary, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.
- That was a movie.
- Look, all we know is she's going to shoot you, or stab you, or boil you.
Or club you with an antique wooden doll.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that was a good one.
Oh.
But first, she's going to seduce your husband.
Becky's going to seduce Homer?.
[ Both Groan ] It's an act of violence, not love.
- [ Snoring ] - [ Grunting ] [ Gasps ] [ Grunting ] Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I wake you?.
I wanted to return your hair dryer.
- [ Clicks ] - [ Gasps ] - Oh, and here's your brush.
- [Whimpers ] You just enjoy your grocery shopping, Marge.
And if you pick up some semolina, I can make couscous for Lisa.
- It's my favorite! - It is?.
Oh, yeah.
You can learn a lot from your kids if you just listen to 'em.
- [ Laughs ] - [ Groans ] Be right back.
Take your time.
Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it's too late?.
"Shut up, Becky!" Oh, that would have been sweet.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Beeping ] The "brakes cut"light! Hmm? [ Horn Honking ] It's red! - [ Groans ] - [ Both Men Gasp ] Wow.
Tough glass.
- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] - I still say ours is bigger.
[ Screaming ] Our speed bumps are stronger too.
I don't know, Simpson.
How do I know you didn't cut your own brakes? - Why would I do that?.
- I don't know.
Get some attention from a handsome police officer.
- That's crazy! - [ Sighs ] Look, I know I don't have any proof.
But this woman is trying to kill me! Fine.
Let me tell you what I tell everybody who comes in here.
The law is powerless to help you.
Do I have to be dead before you'll help me?.
Well, not dead.
Dying.
No, no, no, no.
Don't walk away.
How 'bout this?.
Just show me the knife, in your back, not too deep but it should be able to stand by itself.
Come on, Becky.
Tell us your big news.
Well, I wanted to wait for your mother, but okay.
- I found an apartment and I'm moving out.
- Oh, no.
Becky, I think I speak for all of us when I say when's the ice cream gonna get here?.
- [Thunderclap ] - And God said, Gatherye two of every flavor.
Anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream and nuts.
And ye shall call it the Ark! [ Gasps, Panting ] - Homer! - Relax.
He's gorging.
Okay, maybe not.
We gotta save him! [ Grunts ] [Marge Screaming] Usurper! Usurper! Usurper! Don't mess with me! I've got jimmies! - [ All Screaming ] - I can only see a horrible rainbow! - [ Gasps ] - Shut up, Becky! - There, I finally said it.
[ Grunts ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Wiggum ] Drop the cone, sugar! - [ Gunshot] - Whoa.
Whoopsie.
- Take her away, boys.
[ Groans ] I thought you said the law was powerless.
Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you.
Mmm.
Earned my treat.
This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live! My house! Poor Maggie.
How many insanity hearings have you been to in your short little life?.
Mrs.
Simpson, before we begin - I just want to assure you that this is not a trial.
- [ Both Moan ] - All right.
It's a trial.
- [ Both ] Yes! Now, Marge, according to this, you recently went berserk in an ice-cream parlor.
- Yes.
- And, Marge did you ever have an unhealthy fixation on Ringo Starr?.
It was healthy.
He reciprocated.
He reciprocated! Mmm, please.
Road rage?.
Excuse me.
What are you doing?.
Oh.
I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.
I see.
And this "god," is he in this room right now?.
Oh, yes.
He's kind of everywhere.
- Mmm.
- Mm-mmm.
Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly- I'm not insane! You didn't let me finish.
Insane! [ Gasps ] [All Gasping ] [Whimpering ] [ Shouts ] I'm not insane.
Run, Marge! Run! Pump those crazy legs! Police say escaped mental patient Marge Simpson could be anywhere.
Even here at Juggernauts where it's wet T-shirt month! - [Women ] Whoo! - But for now this reporter prays that Mad Marge can be captured before she kills again.
Kills again?.
She hasn't killed once! Shouldn't we be out there trying to find her?.
Don't worry.
She'll show up here sooner or later to finish off Becky.
Then we'll have Mommy back.
[ Gasps ] [Marching Band] [ Grunting ] Come back! Those are prescription pants! Now, Ralphie, what are you gonna do if you see Mrs.
Simpson?.
Freeze, you crazy mommy! That a boy.
But you gotta aim a little higher.
There you go.
That's a kill shot.
Well, we've got a special guest.
She just flew in from the cuckoo's nest.
And, boy, is she crazy.
Crazy Marge Simpson! - ##[Fanfare] - [ Chuckles ] Look at that.
[ Man's Voice ] Hello, Krusty.
Oh, that's funny.
So, Marge who's your favorite Native American warrior?.
Crazy Horse! Whoo, whoo, whoo! [Blathering] All right.
Stop it! Oh, this bit's dying.
Let's go to the Mad Marge Dancers.
["Sabre Dance"] - Too soon.
- Oh, I really miss Mom.
The kids are saying if you say "Bloody Margie" five times, she'll appear.
But then she gouges your eyes out.
I hear she mates with men, then eats them.
I'm sure if Marge were here and not crazy, she'd be telling you two to do your homework - and you to finish washing the dog.
- [ Flies Buzzing ] [ Panting ] Now let's find out who this Becky really is.
[ Gasps ] [ Gasps ] [ Groans ] Hmm! I really should read the whole headline before I react.
Oh, my.
I've been so unfair to Becky.
Maybe I am insane.
I mean, I am talking to myself.
You are?.
Oh, I thought I'd made a friend.
Becky, I want to apologize to- Usurper! [ Karate Shout] - Why, you little- - [Bart] Cut.
Cut! Mom, it's great to have you back, but you walked right into my shot.
- Shot?.
What are you- - I hope we didn't scare you, Marge.
Bart's just filming a music video for his class project.
And I'm directing the "making of" video.
Oh.
Well, then I guess there's a reasonable explanation for everything except you cutting my brakes.
Oh, about that.
When I changed your oil I may have drained your brake fluid.
I didn't say anything 'cause I thought you'd be mad.
Oh, boy.
My bad.
Becky, I'm so sorry I accused you of trying to kill me and steal my family.
Hey, no biggie.
I was trying to steal your family.
I even thought of a good place to bury you.
Then I didn't have a shovel, so I went to the hardware store.
They have six different kinds.
- I was, like, "Later" - Well, that's a relief, too, knowing I'm not crazy.
So I guess everything really worked out for the- - [ Gasps ] - Mom! - You monsters! You killed her! - No, they didn't.
- [ All Gasp ] - God! We put enough tranquilizers in there to take down Jonathan Winters.
Oh, I've got too much to do to take a nap right now.
Lisa, get Maggie out of that cage.
And, Homer, since you're dressed for it I got some S & M for ya- scrubbing and mopping.
Thank you.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 11  >  Behind the Laughter
The Simpsons s11e22 Episode Script
Behind the Laughter
[Chorus ] # the Simpsons # BEHIND THE LAUGHTER [ Bell Ringing] [ Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Rattling ] [ Chorus ] # the Simpsons # [ Man Narrating] they were the first family of American laughter surfing a tidal wave of hilarity [ Man ] Look at her vacuum.
onto the sands of Superstar Bay.
[ Dramatic Cue ] But behind the chortles, this funny five some was trapped in a private hell.
Everybody wanted a piece of us.
They told us what to wear how to dress, which clothes we should put on.
The cops found me driving on the sidewalk.
I had no business hosting the Oscars.
After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.
[Narrator] tonight: the Simpsons, as you've never seen them before on Behind the Laughter.
[ Rock] [ Ends ] [ Narrator] the Simpson's amazing journey began here in the bustling heartland town of Springfield.
On this unassuming street, two nobodies named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family.
- First came baby Bart.
- [ Babbling ] - then, Lisa Simpson.
- [ Babbling ] [ Chuckles, Gasps ] [ Grunting ] - And finally, Maggie.
- [ Snoring ] [ Gasps ] Eh! Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids.
They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV.
That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
I'd see 'em sitting on that couch all day long just staring at that Hollywood Hogwash.
Our favorite show was Hollywood Hogwash, but we also loved the Dreck Squad.
the Malarkeys, Dumbin' it Down.
- Sheriff Lowbrow.
- Home Improvement.
But we never saw people like us on TV.
TV families were always hugging and tackling issues.
Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show.
Finally, I said, "So do it.
Either [ Bleep] or get off the pot.
" [Narrator] And[Bleep] he did.
Using his home as the studio and his family as the cast this penniless Peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video.
My Funny Family, take one! And action! Honey, I 'm home.
The boss is coming to dinner, and I need a clean shirt.
I haven't done the laundry yet.
Mamma mia! Now I'll have to do it! [ Humming ] - Dad, that's too much detergent.
- Not now! I'm busy turning on this washing machine.
- [Whirring ] - [ Both Gasp] Simpson! - Where's my dinner?.
- Mamma mia! It was amazing how fast Dad betrayed his vision of a realistic show.
Okay, the material was a little corny.
But Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
Every day I thought about firing Marge.
You know, just to shake things up.
[Narrator] Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up- - show business things.
- D'oh! [ Horn Honks ] [ Narrator] He tried to show his demo tape to the major networks but couldn't get past the guards.
- [ Clanks ] - [ Clanks ] [ Clanking Continues ] Fortunately, I had a network connection.
The man who cut my hair was also president of Fox.
[Studio Fanfare ] [ Narrator] the Simpsons had their foot in the door.
Fox ordered 13 episodes.
But would the public respond? M-E-R.
Okay.
- R-U-P-E-R-T.
- You're almost there.
Good.
- # Well, shake it up, baby # - [ Screaming ] Shake it up, baby Twist and shout, Twist and shout - ##[ Continues, Indistinct] - [ Laughing, Gurgling ] I first knew the show was a hit when I walked into school and a kid was wearing a Bart Simpson T-shirt.
Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man.
Suddenly I was invited to every birthday party.
Sometimes I'd have to read the cake just to know who I was singing to.
[ Narrator] The Simpsons was a smash.
Viewers couldn't get enough of the show's fractured take on the modern family.
The funniest stuff came right out of real life.
Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milk shakes.
- Cowabunga, dude! - And cut! Dad, I've never said "Cowabunga" in my life.
Your script sucks.
- Why, you little- [ Sputtering ] - [ Choking ] - Hey, that's funny.
- [ Crew Laughing] - [ Sputtering ] - [ Choking ] - [Laughing Continues ] - And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.
[Narrator] With Simpson merchandise selling like crazy and Simpson Gin wetting whistles worldwide, the money was pouring in.
[ All Laughing ] [ Both Growling ] We were using $50 bills as toilet paper and toilet paper as dog toilet paper.
[ All Laughing ] Mmm.
Ah.
[Narrator] Convinced that the good times would never stop rolling the Simpsons moved out of their trademark house and into M.
C.
Hammer's.
[ Grunting ] Mm.
We found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with parachute pants.
I'm wearing some now.
[ Vocalizing ] - [ Exhales ] - [Narrator] But pants or no pants the Simpsons were flying high.
Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations- Brad Hall, Rich Hall, Rich Little, Little Richard- but the Simpsons blew 'em all away.
They even had a hit record.
Meanwhile, Krustophenia sits on the shelf.
None of us had ever sung before, but Mr.
Geffen believed in us.
We're gonna groove tonight We'll make you feel all right Simpsons boogie [Narrator] Simpsons Boogie Lovely to Love Your Lovin' and Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys.
Right.
And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie [ Gags, Spits ] [ Narrator] For America's favorite family, everything was coming up roses.
But those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.
- [ Buzzing ] - When we come back- I want to set the record straight.
I thought the cop was a prostitute.
[ Narrator] When Behind the Laughter continues.
[ Rock] [Rock] [Narrator] Byte end of their first season the Simpsons were burning up Nielsen boxes in the U.
S and creating a sensation overseas.
Hello, Mr.
Lobster! D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Spits, Laughing ] Oh, dear! [ Laughing ] [ Narrator] Bathtubs of money, wheel barrows of awards fire hoses of respect- the Simpsons had it all.
[ Cheering ] - [ Groaning ] - Hmm.
[ Narrator] But behind the streamers and confetti storm clouds were gathering.
- [ Thunderclap ] - Figurative storm clouds.
Oh, Homer was spending money like a teenage Arab.
[ Chuckles ] He bought me a Rolex and cashmere jeans.
I felt kinda guilty 'cause I was always tryin' to score with his wife.
So when do we start filming?.
Oh.
Even Bart was throwin' dough around.
He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other.
Hey, did we ever get that money?.
[typing] [typing] [Narrator] But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of The Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
- Even more harrowing were the events of one April afternoon.
- [Jingling ] The script originally called for me to jump the gorge.
But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt.
Everything was going great at first.
I felt like I was king of the world.
I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! - Right about here I realize something's wrong.
- [Screaming] - Yep.
There I go.
- [ Grunting ] then came the rocks-jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Narrator] the sequence became an instant comedy classic.
But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath.
[ Screaming ] [ Sputtering, Gulps ] Mmm.
[ Narrator] Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers.
It was the only way he could perform - the bone-cracking physical comedy - Ow! My leg! - that made him a star.
- This is the worst pain ever! - Ow! - Stop pummeling me! - It's really painful! - [ Screaming ] Why did I take such punishment?.
Let's just say that fame was like a drug.
-[Whistling, Screaming ] -But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
[Narrator] But despite their mounting problems the Simpsons' star continued to rise, like a plastic bag caught in an updraft.
[ Lisa Narrating] It was such an honor to be on the Walk of Fame.
I mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela.
And just a few stars down from the Cheerios honeybee.
Awards and honors are great, but they don't pay the pickle man.
We were earning millions, but we were always strapped for cash.
One time, Lisa bought a first edition of Susan B.
Anthony Man.
Her check bounced higher than Rubber Girl.
[ Narrator] Where did the money go? Marge lost much of the family fortune investing in birth control products.
I learned something.
When people reach for their diaphragm they don't want to see my picture.
[ Narrator]As the Simpsons' money dwindled, their expenses soared.
From the original group of five, the cast ballooned to dozens then hundreds.
I 'd never acted before in my life, but, uh if the sea captain could be in the show, why not me? I 've even got a catchphrase.
Nyah! Whaa! Whaa, whaa, whaa! Now I lost it.
[ Narrator] then, another bombshell.
An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.
[ Apu's Voice ] Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it.
Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray.
- [ Narrator] the tax men were merciless.
- Hey! - [ Whirring ] - [ Sputtering, Screaming ] - Oh! - [ Snaps Fingers ] Hey! They can't take our house! My potbellied pig is in there! [ Sobbing ] Ah, Mr.
Porky! No! [ Sobbing Continues ] [Narrator] Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil took its toll on their TV series.
- [ Man ] And action! - ## [ theme ] Hold on! Cut! - Oh, for crying out loud! - Oh, man! Oh! Bart, if it's not too much trouble- Fine.
I'll do teen Wolf3.
I've got fair-weather friends to feed.
Dad, I want to go to bed.
Aren't there child labor laws?.
Who told you about those laws?.
Was it Marge?.
Hey, you've been riding me all day.
Why don't you poop in your hat?.
Are you going to need us tonight?.
I have ballet tickets- not that they'll do much good now.
[Narrator] With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.
I 'm an impostor.
- That man is the real Seymour Skinner.
- [ Crowd Gasps ] [ Narrator] trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings.
[ Electronic Voice ] If you are looking for trouble, you've found it.
Just try me, you- Oh! [ Karate Yells ] [ Narrator] But there were bigger problems off-screen.
After judging a Miss Hawaiian tropic beauty contest at the Sheraton Hali'a Kalua Lea - Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet - [ Camera Shutters Clicking ] attacking several flight attendants.
While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played by his good friend Richie Rich.
Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty?.
Don't have a cow, Mother.
[ Narrator] Fans reacted to these - slapdash episodes with yawns.
- [ Man Yawns ] - Angry yawns.
- [Angry Yawn ] Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed to a live appearance at the Iowa State Fair.
Right from the start I had a bad feeling about that gig.
- ## [ Country] - [ Narrator] It was an evening none of them would ever forget.
Or would they? No.
[ Cheering ] - Hello, Iowa! Does anyone have a doughnut?.
- ##[ Rim Shot ] [ Laughing ] Now, Homer, this is no time to be thinking about food.
Yeah, forget the doughnuts.
We're here to go nuts.
- Musically, that is.
- What kind of song should we play?.
Something that swings with the beat of New Orleans.
No.
Something that rocks.
That's the sound of today.
- Swings! - Rocks! - Swings! - Swings! - Rocks! - Rocks! [Narrator] Sadly, this argument was not part of the act.
- I'll kill you! - [ Grunts ] You don't have the guts, little man! Folks, we're just having a little family tiff.
If you'll just bear with us- Oh, shut up! Always trying to act so mature.
- I'm glad you make the least money.
- Oh, that's it! - Hey, hey, stop it! - Stop it! - You- Let go of me! - [Narrator] Before a riot could break out Jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing.
- # Got a brother named Billy and my teeth look silly # - [ Cheering, Laughing] Break it down now Whoa! Whoa! - [ Cheering ] - [ Exclaims ] Come on, you! I'll get- [ Screams ] - [Narrator] the dream was over.
- [ Busy Signal Beeping ] Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was.
Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion: dusting and polishing mixing boards.
When Behind the Laughter continues.
[ Rock] [ Rock] [ Narrator] the Simpsons' TV show started out on a wing and a prayer.
But now the wing was on fire, and the prayer - had been answered- by Satan.
- [ Laughing ] After the state fair fiasco, none of the family were speaking to each other.
Fox put the show on hiatus and replaced it with hidden camera footage from the dressing room at Ann Taylor.
That slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing.
It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects.
I returned to my first love- the legitimate theater.
As a young female artist I really love living in this East Village loft.
- [Knocking] - Oh.
That must be our new landlord Mr.
Stingley.
[ Laughs ] Where is the rent I must have the rent Dollars, dimes and nickels I need them all right now I literally chewed the scenery.
[Narrator] the other family members were also spreading their creative wings.
- ##[ Rock] - Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas in the syndicated action series Renegade.
I f Esposito thinks he's gonna muscle us, he's wrong.
I hear that, Renegade.
Let's do this thing.
[Rock] - [Narrator] Marge put together a nightclub act.
- ##[Intro ] I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him.
- [ Gasping ] - A smile.
- [ Laughing ] - Good night, Laughlin.
- #She didn't do it She didn't do it ## - [Applause] [Narrator] Lisa sang too- in a tell-all book blasting the family.
To prolong the run of the series I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Shutters Clicking ] That's ridiculous.
How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?.
What?.
In that family, nobody trusted nobody.
They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner.
So, uh, how's everybody doing?.
- You don't have to answer that.
- Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue.
Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch.
That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever.
I mean, emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist.
[Narrator] the carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean.
- [ Squawking ] - But then came help from an unexpected source.
I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson.
I'd do anything for keg-meisterJulius.
So I cooked up a phony awards show.
[ Alarm Wailing ] Not again.
Time saver, my ass.
When Willie asked me to be a presenter at the New Awareness Awards I had to think about it- for about a microsecond.
You just don't say no to the Red Headed Stranger.
And when I heard it was for awareness, that sealed the deal.
[Narrator] Would Willie's fence-mending eggs bear fruit? Or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust? that night, fate wore a cummerbund of suspense.
[ Applause ] Thank you, Taco, for that loving tribute to Falco.
And now, to present the award for Most Violent Rap Group, Homer Simpson.
- [Applause] - Hi.
- And Marge Simpson.
- What?.
- [Applause Continues ] - What's she doing here?.
- And Bart and Lisa Simpson! - [ Gasps ] Hey! What's going on?.
Well, I'll be honest.
The New Awareness Awards are all an elaborate sham.
What?.
[ Sputters ] I knew it was too good to be true.
So this whole thing was just a trick to get us back together?.
Well, I'm also trying to patch things up between Van Halen and Sammy Hagar.
- [ All ] Hmm.
- But the main thing is for you folks to stop this silly feud.
- Isn't that right, people?.
- [ Cheering ] - Hug! Hug! Hug! - [ Crowd] Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! [Narrator] the Simpsons' bitter past was forgotten.
and now the future looks brighter than ever for this northern Kentucky family We put all the craziness behind us.
And now it's time to get back to what matters- the show.
And the Sunday comic strip.
- Which Homer writes himself.
- So you know it's great.
- Why, you little- [ Sputtering ] - [ Choking ] [Narrator] So, whether choking their son or poking some fun the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come.
- [ Tape Rewinds ] - I can't believe it! We won another contest! The Simpsons are going to Delaware! - I want to see Wilmington! - I want to visit a screen door factory.
This will be the last season.
[Narrator] Next week on Behind the Laughter:.
Huckleberry Hound.
I was so gay.
But I couldn't tell anyone.
[ Rock] [ Disco ] We're gonna groove tonight We'll make you feel all right Simpsons Christmas boogie We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet Simpsons Christmas boogie Simpsons Christmas boogie Simpsons Christmas boogie - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Lard of the Dance
The Simpsons s10e01 Episode Script
Lard of the Dance
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Grunts ] - Ha-ha! Look, Dad! They've got every kind of paper.
Loose-leaf, graph, unlined- [ Gasps ] College-ruled.
Can't you just write on your arm like I do? [ Humming ] All you're getting is rubber bands and paper clips? - Don't you need a notebook or something? - Nah.
These days, everything's done on computers.
And staplers.
Computers and staplers.
[ Groans ] ''Krusty's Speak and Say''? ''S'' is for shiksa.
S-H-I- Mmm- I think there's a ''T'' in there somewhere.
Ah, look it up.
Lisa! Stay cool, Milly.
[ Groans ] Oh.
Hi, Lisa.
Did you have a nice summer? Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow? - I like school.
- Me too! We have so much in common.
You have a pen glued to your cowlick.
If you don't like it, it's gone! [ Strains, Groans ] - Uh, you want this? - No.
Yo, Apu, give me the usual.
Yes, sir.
One Kwik-E dog, one bubble gum cigar and the latest issue of Success magazine.
Hey, this hot dog tastes different.
Yes.
I just cleaned out the machine, sir.
So the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.
Well, yeah.
But without the grease all you can taste is the hog anus.
I'm so sorry, but I sold it all to the rendering plant.
- People buy grease? - Oh, yes.
They use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby food.
Used grease is worth money? [ Gasps ] Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold! I'm rich, Apu! Rich and- [ Groaning ] [ Sighs ] Money in the bank.
Okay, this bacon's done.
And now for the profit-taking.
[ Chuckling ] Uh, Dad, I don't think the dog can handle any more bacon.
- [ Whimpering ] - [ Homer ] Looks like he's about ready for another squeezin; Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight.
Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
- With cans of grease? - No! Through savings and wise investments.
Of course with grease! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Come on, Bart.
The bus is here.
- Where do you think you're going? - It's the first day of school.
Not for you it isn't.
You're in the grease business now.
Then the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy.
And that's why it was the best summer ever.
Thank you, Ralph.
Now take your seat.
[ Nelson ] Hey, blindy, have a nice trip.
! - [ Ralph Screams ] - [ Thud ] [ Nelson ] Ha-ha.
! [ Skinner On P.
A.
] Attention, please.
I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.
We have a new student, Lisa, and I want you to show her the works- the lunchroom, the tree.
But when you get to the trophy case, give her some cock-and-bull story.
They're out for cleaning or whatever.
Don't worry.
I'll help her out.
I remember how hard it was to be an outsider, always trying to fit in, never quite feeling like- Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney.
Your name's Lisa? Shut up! I love that name.
Did she just tell me to shut up? Take it outside.
You'll want a locker in this hallway.
It's library-adjacent.
- Is that perfume? - Oh! Don't be such a Phoebe.
It's Pretension by Calvin Klein.
Wanna try some? [ Coughing ] Mm-mmm.
Okay.
So what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun? Well, you'll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll.
The new Malibu Stacy has an achievable chest.
Dolls? Really? Okay, what else you got? Oh.
Jacks.
Jacks are big.
They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back.
Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball? Oh, don't worry.
You'll pick it up fast.
Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.
Uh-huh.
Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies? Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire.
Ah! I see the trophies are still out for cleaning, eh, Lisa? - [ Chuckling ] - [ Forced Chuckle ] Okay, boy, this is where all the hard work sacrifice and painful scaldings pay off.
Four pounds of grease.
That comes to 63 cents.
- Whoo-hoo! - Dad, all that bacon cost $27.
Yeah, but your mom paid for that.
But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease.
What's the problem? Wow! Look at that load of grease.
Boy, if we're ever gonna earn paper money, we have to expand our operation.
Um, I don't know how much more school I can miss.
Oh, you'll miss plenty.
I have a feeling this business is going to consume our whole lives.
[ Chattering ] Alex, over here! Okay if the new girl sits with us? - Oh! - Okay, I guess.
She's a little weird.
But let's give her a chance.
- Guys, this is Alex.
- [ All Exchanging Greetings ] Ooh, twins.
Which one is the evil one? - [ Laughing ] - [ Forced Laughter] - Okay, I'll go get our lunches.
- So, Alex- - [ Cell Phone Ringing ] -Just a sec.
Hello? - [ All Gasping ] - Oh, yeah.
Like I'd be seen with a Discover card.
- You have a cell phone? - And a purse! That's it.
Don't be shy.
- Now maybe a littlejoke to break the ice.
- [ Laughter] Or a big joke.
Careful now.
Nobody likes a show-off.
Where are they going? Hey, wait up.
! - They left without me.
- [ Milhouse ] Oh, Lisa? I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch.
[ Nerdy Laughter] Catch my drift? Milhouse, lower those eyebrows.
And the other one.
[ Groans ] So there I am being nice to Alex and she takes all of my friends and ditches me.
I'm sure they didn't ditch you, honey.
Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you.
[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah.
Good one, Mom.
They only like her 'cause she acts so grown-up with her perfume and her cell phone and- Oh, and get this, Mom.
She drinks iced tea.
Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you.
But, apparently, this new girl is.
So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
- But, Dad- - Uh-uh.
Think.
Is that what Alex would say? Oh, there you are.
Listen, I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree.
Oh, don't give it a second thought.
I didn't.
Anyway, I got you a little present.
Oh, earrings! Wow! Thank you so much, Alex.
Oh.
But these are for pierced ears.
- Yeah.
Aren't they great? - Alex did ours.
Yeah.
All you need is a thumbtack and a whole lot of paper towels.
Uh, but I don't think I'm ready for pierced ears.
- Well, maybe you can put them on your doll.
- [ Laughter] - [ Groans ] -Just kidding, Lise.
- I'm sure you'll be ready someday.
- Oh, Lisa.
I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.
- Absolutely! - Apple pick? Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-alongs apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything.
- You forgot apple bobbing.
- No, I didn't.
- Didn't your old school have apple picks? - No, we weren't big on fruit.
We were more into, like, dances.
You know, things that are fun.
A dance? Great idea, Alex.
Yeah! Principal Skinner, can we have a dance instead? [ Voices Overlapping ] Well, we've never had a dance before.
Lisa, you'd be doing all the work.
What do you think? I don't know.
The ponies might be startled by the loud music.
- Well, there wouldn't be ponies.
- Oh.
Then at the risk of being unpopular, I think I'm gonna have to say- School dance? I didn't approve any school dance.
Yes, you did.
Yesterday, right by my locker.
- Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Um, carry on.
- Oh! [ Children Laughing, Shouting ] When you want grease, go to the source.
- Good old Krusty Burger.
- Oh, I'll say.
Look at that redheaded kid.
There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone.
I was thinking more of the deep fryer.
All right.
We'll try it your way.
Can I help you, sir? My God, you're greasy! Mr.
Maruko, help! Mom's gonna kill you.
If she didn't want her car ruined, she should have done a better job hiding her keys.
Hey! What the- Hey.
! Hey.
! You're taking our grease.
! - It's our grease now.
- [ Groans ] We run the grease racket in this town.
Hey, that's my shovel! We also run the shovel racket.
[ Horn Honking ] Okay, girls, we're gonna need balloons, crepe paper, party hats.
Whoa! You've got a DingoJunction here? ##[ Pop ] - I am not wearing this.
- Oh, come on, Lisa.
It's totally you.
Just, you know, add some accessories, lip gloss, maybe drop five pounds.
Aren't we a little young for makeup and- What do you mean, five pounds? Well, you want to look nice for your date.
- Date? - Hello! For the dance? - You guys have dates? - Hello! - Stop saying ''hello''! - Okay, calm down, Lisa.
- D.
M.
Y.
- What's D.
M.
Y.
? - ''Don't mess yourself.
'' - Ew! Yeah.
That's why we changed it to D.
M.
Y.
Don't worry, Lisa.
There's still plenty of time.
- You'll get a date.
- I don't want a date! And I don't wanna wear perfume and cocktail dresses! Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group? Hello! Hello? Oh! I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business.
I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done including my muscle-for-hire business.
My poor Homie.
Couldn't you try some other far-out moneymaking scheme? Ah, what's the point? You could raise some emus.
Emus? Really? Oh, that's pretty crazy.
Nah.
I'd only fail just like I fail at everything.
Hey, Dad, I've been thinking.
What if instead of giving up on grease, we go for one last big score? Wait a minute.
The boy's right.
I can't quit now! Aw! You always know just what to say to cheer me up.
Emu farm? [ Laughing ] You're priceless, Marge.
- [ Door Slams Shut ] - [ Groans ] The thing about huckleberries is once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.
Uh- Uh- So anyway, I kicked the guy's ass.
Now, if the berries are too tart I just dust 'em with confectioner's sugar.
- Oh! - Good secret.
[ Lisa ] Hey, guys.
[ Gasps, Chuckles ] - Hi, Lisa.
- Are you all right? No doubt.
Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance? Your earlobe's bleeding.
Oh.
So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? - You'd better believe it.
- Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa.
- Everyone does.
- Even me.
Unbelievable! Whoa- [ Grunts ] - Another wedgie? - Uh-huh.
- Hang on.
I'll get my forceps.
- Hurry! [ Panting ] Milhouse! Oh! I've been looking all over for you.
Listen.
You've always had a crush on me, right? Well, this is your lucky day 'cause you're gonna take me to the dance.
- Pretty great, huh? See ya.
- Oh! But I can't.
I already asked somebody.
- So un-ask her! - But that would- - You're taking me! You got that? - [ Gasps ] And it's gonna be a magical evening! [ Gasps ] What am I doing? This isn't me.
I'm sorry, Milhouse.
I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around! All right, Son.
We're about to embark on our most difficult mission.
Let's bow our heads in prayer.
Dear Lord, I know you're busy seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that.
But if you help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
Dad, he's not stupid.
All right, screw it.
Let's roll! Mmm, I knew I should've attached those somehow.
[ Lisa ] Lucky parameciums.
You don't have to worry about finding dates or dancing.
Oh! Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance.
It's a little thick, but the price is right.
Thanks, Mom.
But I told you, I'm not going.
Oh, so you don't have a date.
You can still go and have a wonderful time.
You don't understand.
I don't belong there.
The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating.
They make me feel like a little baby.
Oh, honey.
A baby couldn't have organized a big school dance unless it was especially skilled.
Or one of those super-babies from Brazil.
Forget it, Mom.
I'm not going.
But they're counting on you to take tickets.
And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow why, you could be the belle of the ball.
Mom, you can't possibly believe that.
I have to, honey.
Or you can stay here and we'll have our own dance.
[ Singing ] - ## [ Humming ] - I'll go.
This better work, boy.
I don't wanna wind up working on your mother's emu farm.
Don't worry.
This is the score we've been dreaming about.
The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied.
Okay, turn on the suction.
It's not working.
[ Grunting, Shouting ] - [ Grunts ] - Whoa! - What is it? - Uh, nothing.
- Enjoy the dance.
- ##[ Pop On P.
A.
] Wow, Lisa.
I really admire your guts.
You came here all by yourself at the risk of being labeled a dateless wonder.
- [ Grunts ] - Ow! It slipped.
##[ Continues ] It's gonna be a long night.
- Where's the hose? - Bringing up the rear.
- Oh! - Are you as excited as I am? Oh, yeah! Well, here goes.
And now we wait.
So, is this your school? Well, it used to be.
[ Whistling ] Eek! I mean, ach! I mean, what are you doing here? Uh, we're new foreign exchange students from, uh, uh, Scotland! Saints be praised! I'm from Scotland.
Where do you hail from? Uh, North Kilt Town.
No fooling? I'm from North Kilttown.
Do you know Angus McCloud? Wait a minute.
There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all! Ah, don't be daft.
I was born in- Hey, what the- [ Gasps ] My retirement grease.
! No.
! Ya thievin' grease bandits! I'll kill ya! Wait up! - [ Homer Whimpering ] - [ Growling ] Not so fast, boyo.
Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let you go.
But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day! [ Screaming ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! All right, fine.
I'll strangle ya for a while! Lisa, I have to run home.
I need you to keep an eye on the dance.
Oh, I don't wanna go in there with all the happy dancing couples.
Normally, I wouldn't ask.
But it's an emergency.
Mother has a june bug cornered in the basement, and she needs me to finish it off.
- Come on! Chop-chop! - All right! All right! D.
M.
Y.
I know what that means, young lady! [ Sighs ] - ##[ Pop ] - Huh? Oh, Lisa, it's terrible.
Okay.
This dance has gone Titanic.
- What happened? - Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other.
- They're acting like a bunch of- - Kids? I know! What is up with that? It's because they are kids, and so are we.
Come on, Alex.
We've only got nine, maybe 1 0 years tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing.
We'll never have that freedom again.
Hmm.
Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want.
But I have a credit card, so- [ Blows Raspberry ] on you.
[ Groans ] - [ Both Grunting ] - Uh, guys? Guys? The hose! Bart, please.
The groundskeeper and I are trying to settle this like adults.
[ All Screaming ] [ Yawns ] Hmm? Huh? Look, it's snowing! Ah! The snowflake tastes like fish sticks.
[ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] It's like a hamburger milk shake! Here comes a grease ball! [ Grunts ] Hey, Luigi bring you kids free pizza.
Why you have to make the fun? Huh? [ Laughing, Chattering ] That's my grease! It's mine! Give it here! You're playing in grease? Yarg! - Oh, act your age.
[ Grunts, Chuckles ] - Oh! You are so dead.
[ Alex ] Ow.
! There was bacon in that.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
The Simpsons s10e02 Episode Script
The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - 'Scuse me.
Pardon me.
'Scuse me.
- [ Grumbles ] - Hmm.
- Hey.
Hey, Springfield.
If you're driving,you may wanna sit down.
- [ Boing ] - Uh-oh.
Because it's time for Bill and Marty's 5:00 news ''flush.
'' - [ Toilet Flushing ] - ##[ Man Singing ] - Our topless story- - [ Boing ] President Clinton has launched a new Web site.
- Uh-oh.
Wait.
Let me guess.
WWW dot- - [ Wolf Whistle ] - dot- - [ Boing ] [ Both Laughing ] [ Laughing ] ''Web site.
'' - [ Man ] Okay, here's another news ''flush.
'' - [ Toilet Flushing ] [ Man Singing ] Doctors say the life expectancy of the average man is now 76.
2 years.
[ Gasps ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horns Honking ] I've wasted half my life.
[ Man Singing ] Half my life gone and I'm only guaranteed [ Horns Honking ] Marge, I've wasted half my life.
[ Woman ] Sir, do you need a tow truck? - What are you talking about, Marge? I don't need a- - [ Tires Screeching ] Okay, send a truck.
- Oh.
Hmm.
- [ Marge ] Oh, honey.
Don't eat that.
Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar.
I'm halfway to my grave, and I haven't accomplished anything.
Oh, I am not looking forward to my funeral.
[ Electricity Buzzing ] [ Beeping ] No, Homer wasn't a great man nor even an adequate man, and he certainly never accomplished anything.
Uh, President Lenny, you have anything to say? - Nah.
- All right.
Fair enough.
Toss 'im in the hole, boys.
There goes a real sack of crap.
Indubitably, old chum.
[ Growling ] [ Groans ] Marge no matter what happens in the future, promise me you won't vote for Lenny.
Okay, but you've accomplished a lot.
You've made me very happy.
Oh, yeah.
They'll put me on a stamp for that.
- [ Groans ] - I've wasted half my life, Marge.
You know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie having a key made and sitting here talking to you.
Thirty-eight years and that's all I have to show for it.
- You're 39.
- [ Yelps ] [ Whimpers ] [ Groans ] - Hi, Dad.
How was work? - Cold.
Come on.
Let's get you into your favorite shirt.
[ All ] Surprise! Oh.
I see you're having a party.
I'll come back later.
You can't come back later because- [ All ] Homer Simpson, welcome to your life.
to your life.
The kids and I wanna show you all the great things you've done.
Oh, all right.
Maybe I can pinpoint where my life went wrong.
Quiet, Dad, or we'll have to throw you out of here.
[ Gasps ] The pictures! They're coming alive! [ Lisa ] There you are in outer space.
That's pretty impressive.
Ah.
All we did was grow some space tomatoes and sabotage Mir.
[ Shouting In Russian ] 'Member when you almost became heavyweight champ? [ Crowd Cheering ] - [ Blows Landing ] - No.
Finish him.
Finish him! Well, there's certainly no greater accomplishment than fathering three beautiful children.
Hike.
[ Laughing ] Oh, I should've punted.
Turn it off.
Turn it off.
Hang on, Dad.
This next part will definitely make you feel better about yourself.
- Hello, Homer.
It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.
- [ Gasps ] Your family has asked me to take time out from my busy schedule to invite you [ Voice Slowing Down ] to a very special- [ Indistinct ] [ Groaning ] Stupid movies.
Who invented these dumb things anyway? Was it you, Bart? - It was Thomas Edison, Dad.
- I thought he invented the lightbulb.
That too.
He also invented the phonograph, the microphone and the electric car.
No one man can do all that.
You're a liar, honey- a dirty, rotten liar.
Finish her! Finish her! It's true.
I read it on a place mat at a restaurant.
Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.
Go.
! Go.
! Go.
! Go.
! Go.
! Go.
! - Go! Go! Go! - Top of the world, Ma! - [ Homer ] Cut it out, boy.
- [ Screams, Grunts ] - Dad, what are you doin' here? - Readin' about this Edison character.
They won't let me in the big people library downtown.
There was some unpleasantness.
I can never go back.
Ooh.
Look at all the inventions Edison came up with.
The stock ticker the storage battery even wax paper.
And look at him dance.
## [ Vocalizing ] [ Laughing ] That's great, Dad.
And these Hardy Boys books are great too.
- This one's about smugglers.
- They're all about smugglers.
No, not this one: The Smugglers of Pirate Cove.
It's about pirates.
'Scuse me.
Are you a student at this school? I think it's pretty obvious that I am.
Go school! So, this broad stands up in the ocean and this big wave knocks her bathing suit off.
Oh, yeah? And then what happened? Omit no detail, however small or filthy.
So anyway, and this is the part you'll remember for the rest of your lives- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great story, Lenny.
But here's one that's even more spellbinding.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Thomas Edison and he invented the dictating machine and the fluoroscope and the repeating telegraph.
- [ Snoring ] - And he was a firm believer in Fletcherism and he played the organ and his favorite flower was the heliotrope.
Oh, and his middle name was Alva and he never, ever, ever wore pajamas.
Okay.
I think we've been polite long enough here.
- Lenny, what happened with the dame in the bathing suit? - Huh? Oh.
Uh- Oh, nuts.
I forgot.
All I can think of now is Edison.
I can't even remember where I work.
Well, I remember where Edison worked.
It was Menlo Park.
That's where he came up with the tasimeter, the ore separator and- Uh,James Watt invented the steam engine.
That's boring.
You're boring everybody.
Quit boring everyone! And then he worked on a machine to communicate with the dead.
- [ Groans ] - Some kind of scary telephone, I guess.
- Maybe he planned to stick his head under the ground and yell.
- All right already! Everyone knows the man accomplished a lot.
Maybe because he didn't spend every waking moment talking about Thomas Edison.
Oh, that's where you're wrong, Marge.
He was a shameless self-promoter.
Well, you're not Thomas Edison.
Marge, that's it! That's why I haven't done anything with my life.
I need to be more like Thomas Edison.
Whatever.
And I'm starting right now.
No more lousy pajamas! [ Grunts ] From this day forward, I am an inventor! Do us a favor.
Invent yourself some underpants.
[ Whistling ] Ah.
Well, I quit my job just like you said to.
I didn't tell you to quit your job.
Yes, you did.
I remember your exact words.
You said I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you'd torch the house.
That doesn't sound like me.
Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant.
[ Chuckling ] Not the way I quit.
Whoo-hoo.
At my age, Edison had already invented 203 things.
Uh, I got a lot of work to do to catch up to him.
Let's see now.
Invention.
Invention.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Something electrical might be good.
[ Muttering ] Let me handle the creative end of this, Marge.
- You don't understand how the creative mind works like I do.
- Oh? You look at this table and what do you see? Just a table.
Now a creative person like me looks at this table and sees all kinds of creative things, but no tables.
Homer, that's not a table.
That's our dryer.
[ Shrieks ] My files! Hmm.
Hmm.
This isn't working.
I've gotta try a different approach.
Hmm.
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? [ Grunts, Gasps ] [ Groans ] [ Coughing ] [ Sighs, Coughs ] You started smoking, Dad? Yes.
Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day.
- Yeah, he invented stuff too.
- Shut up.
[ Grunting, Shouts ] As long as you're here annoying me, let's have a brainstorming session.
And here's how it works.
Lisa, you say one thing, then Bart, you say another.
Just toss out things and I'll use my inventive mind to combine them into a brilliant, original idea.
Okay.
Um- - Automatic- - Butt.
Okay.
- Fluorescent- - Booger.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
These aren't exciting new products.
You're not even trying.
Okay, that's it.
Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves.
- Lazy father.
- Can't even spank his own kids.
Homer, you can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea.
- I don't see why not.
They're my kids.
I own 'em.
- [ Groans ] - Okay.
We own 'em.
- Hmm.
I brought you a tuna sandwich.
They say it's brain food.
I guess because there's so much dolphin in it and you know how smart they are.
[ Groans ] It's no use.
I can't work like this, cut off from the scientific community.
You stay here and guard my sandwich.
And these should give you the grounding you'll need in thermodynamics, hypermathematics and, of course, microcalifragilistics.
[ Babbles ] [ Groans ] Look, I just wanna know how to invent things.
Tell me.
Uh, all you have to do is think of things that people need but which don't exist yet.
- You mean like an electric blanket-mobile? - Uh, well, possibl- Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it.
Like- Hamburger earmuffs! Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify- Thanks, sucker! [ Stammering ] All right.
Just stay calm, Frinky.
These babies will be in the stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix.
[ Babbling ] [ Explosion ] Okay.
I have here the four greatest inventions in the history of mankind.
First, my all-purpose electric hammer for all your pounding needs.
[ Grunting ] Ow! - [ Muttering ] - [ Screeches ] - [ Crash ] - [ Santa's Little Helper Barks ] [ Yelping ] Probably needs to be more powerful.
I'll buy 1 0 of those right now.
Now, here's my ''Everything's Okay'' alarm.
- [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Shouting ] This will sound every three seconds unless something isn't okay.
Turn that off, Homer.
- [ Alarm Continues ] - It can't be turned off.
[ Alarm Slows, Stops ] But it, uh, does break easily.
Now this next one's for the ladies.
How many times have you gals been late for a high-powered business meeting only to realize you're not wearing makeup? That's every woman's nightmare.
That's why I invented this revolutionary makeup gun.
It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready.
Close your eyes, Marge.
- And now you're ready for a night on the town.
- [ Gasps ] Homer, you've got it set on ''whore.
'' Uh, oop- Okay.
This time, try to keep your nostrils closed.
Oh, look what you did.
Now I have to go get my cold cream gun.
Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Women will like what I tell 'em to like.
Now here's something for everyone.
In the olden times, if you were watching TV and nature called you'd have to get up and walk to the bathroom.
It was the hardest thing in the world to do.
But now, with the Lazy Man Reclining Toilet Chair you can just lean back and let 'er rip.
You expect people to go to the bathroom in their living rooms? Sure.
Believe me, every man in America will want to have one.
[ Flushes ] - Gangway! Gotta poop.
- No, Bart! - Homer, all these inventions, they're- - Yes? - Oh-They're not very- - Yes? Yes? Yes? - They're terrible.
- What? I'm not saying you're a bad inventor.
I'm just saying these particular inventions are awful and no one in their right mind would buy them or accept them as gifts.
But this is the best I could do.
I guess I'm no better at being Thomas Edison than I was at being Homer Simpson.
Oh, dear.
I hope I wasn't too rough on him.
Somebody had to tell him, Mom.
In the long run, it's much kinder to- [ Clears Throat ] Do you mind? All week, my lifelong dream was to be the next Thomas Edison but now it's over.
I guess I'll just give up my hopes and dreams and settle for being a decent husband and father.
[ Grunting ] - Homer! - [ Together] Dad! [ Shouts ] Huh? - What happened? You didn't fall.
- Oh, that.
I stuck a couple extra legs on there 'cause I kept tipping over when I was trying to invent stuff.
They're on hinges.
That's really ingenious, Dad.
- It could save lives.
- Really? You think it's a good idea? Oh, yeah.
Safety sells, especially to lame-o's.
- I'd buy one.
- Me too.
[ All Cooing ] I did it! I'm gonna be rich! [ Humming ] Look, Mr.
Edison.
I did it! I'm an inventor.
And I owe it all to you.
See? It's just a regular chair but I attached a couple of extra legs to the back kind of like the ones on the back of your- Oh, damn it! Hey, Dad.
Heard you swearin'.
Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap! I thought I had a great idea but I must have seen it on this poster.
If Edison thought of that chair, how come it's not on this chart? It's not? Maybe he never told anyone about it.
- That chair might be the only one he made.
- So? So, we've got to go to the Edison Museum and smash it! Then I'll be an inventor.
- But I thought you loved Edison.
- Ah, the hell with him.
Yeah! Hell, damn, fart! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Taking Bart cross state lines.
Back soon.
I took your wallet.
! Oh, I just mopped that driveway.
Man, I can't wait to smash that chair.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, Son.
You're young and headstrong just like Thomas Edison Jr.
You know, he started a mushroom farm and an auto parts company and he sold his good name to a quack medicine company.
Oh, and later he raised turkeys.
That was on his turkey farm.
[ Snoring ] Hmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
[ Muttering, Gasps ] - Stop, Homer! - [ Gasps ] By smashing my chair, you're only hurting yourself.
[ Growls ] [ Yelping, Grunts ] I'll get you, you fat lunatic! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Uh-oh.
[ Whimpering ] [ Panting ] All right! The museum's still open.
- Why don't you like Edison that much? - [ Grunts ] - Hey, folks.
Do you like riddles? - [ Chattering ] Okay, then.
How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb? Just one: Thomas Edison.
- [ Laughter, Applause ] - That's very good.
And that's true too.
It's funny and true.
Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain.
[ Gasping ] Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it - and, of course, today will be no exception.
- [ Groaning ] Now no tour would be complete without a visit to Edison's boyhood gift shop.
[ Chattering ] [ Chattering Continues ] Now let's take care of business.
Out of the way.
This is one invention you're not getting credit for, you inspiration hog.
Your electric hammer, maestro? Invent your way out of this, Edison! Hmm? Hmm.
[ Gasps ] Look, Son.
Edison was just like me.
You mean the wild mood swings? No! We both lived in another man's shadow.
This old-timey nerd and I have suffered the same frustration and heartache.
We're not rivals.
We're just a couple of dreamers who set the bar a little too high.
- I can't destroy your work, my friend.
- Can I? No, but we'll stop off at the da Vinci museum on the way home.
Uh, I think that's in Italy, Dad.
Oh.
Well, then we'll take it out on Eli Whitney.
Authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.
In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time- - [ Both Gasp ] - is apparently still inventing despite the notable handicap of being dead.
That's my Tommy! [ Brockman ] Two new Edison creations have just been discovered in his museum.
- A six-legged chair that won't tip over- - [ Applause ] and even more astounding, an electric hammer.
- [ Applause ] - [ Camera Shutters Clicking ] That was your idea.
This brilliant innovation is expected to generate millions - for Edison's already-wealthy heirs.
- [ Laughing ] Dad, those should be your millions.
I gotta admit, Homer.
You're takin' this pretty well.
Let's just say I'm sitting in the right chair.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Bart the Mother
The Simpsons s10e03 Episode Script
Bart the Mother
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ All Grunting ] - [ Lisa Wails ] [ Homer Yells ] Mail call.
! Gather round, everyone.
! All right, one for ''Resident.
'' - That's me! - Well, that's it.
One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather round like that? I needed my power fix.
[ Sighs ] [ Marge ] Hey, listen to this.
''Congratulations! ''Your child, or children, have been selected to appear ''in Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students.
[ Gasps, Belches ] ''Please submit their names along with $95 for each handsome volume you wish to order.
'' Oh, I've never been so proud! [ Kissing ] You both deserve a big, big reward! Mom, they put every kid in America in that book just so gullible parents will buy it.
- It's all a big scam.
- [ Muttering ] Shut up.
Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over.
Yeah, Lise.
She is a smart, sophisticated woman.
Now, let's hear more about that big, big reward.
Yeah, Quit stalling, Marge.
We want our reward.
One reward coming up! [ Marge ] Ta-da.
! - [ Lisa ] Yea! Way to go! - [ Bart ] All right! [ Grunts ] Man, it feels good to get out of that car.
Ooh! Go Karts! Come on, everybody! Let's go! [ Laughing ] Look at me, Bart! - I'm driving! - We're all proud of you, Dad.
Move it, pokey.
Slow and steady wins the race.
[ Humming ] Easy, easy.
Stick with the plan.
- Whoa! - Uh, are you all right, man? Uh, I think so.
- How about now? - [ Screams ] Ha-ha! That was no accident.
Shame on you, Nelson.
Cram it, ma'am.
Stand back and watch the pro.
- Shouldn't you put on a batting helmet? - Nah.
They mess up my hair.
[ Grunts ] Ooh! Ball one.
[ Grunts ] Ball two! [ Chuckles ] This bozo's gonna walk me.
Hey! You're goin' down, you- [ Groaning ] Why, you-Aah! Hey, you- [ Grunts ] You better-Aah! I'm gonna-Aah! If you do- D'oh! Hang in there, Dad! Just half a basket left! Hang in there, Dad! Just half a basket left! Hmm.
- [ Bell Ringing ] - [ Lisa ] Yes.
! A Maggie-oop.
! - [ Buzzing ] - Mm-hmm.
Hey, that's cheating! [ Humming ] Hmm! Okay, what can I get for 1 2- count 'em- 1 2 prize tickets? Two thumbtacks and a mustache comb.
Or five rubber bands and an ice cube.
What can I get for 8,000 tickets? A BB gun or an Easy-Bake oven.
Hmm.
Hot food is tempting.
But I just can't say no to a weapon.
[ Gasps ] Whoa! Can I try that sometime? Yeah, sure.
Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
Wow, thanks, Nelson.
I'll come by your house later! Oh, no, you won't.
You stay away from Nelson Muntz.
- But, Mom- - Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy.
He needs to be isolated from everyone.
- But, Mom- - Yes? That's all I got.
So, what prize did you end up getting? - Mustache comb.
What'd you get? - Fake mustache.
- Wanna comb it? - [ Groans ] This sucks.
Time to punch out of this yawn factory.
I'm going to Nelson's.
- But Mom said not to.
- She doesn't scare me.
I do what I want when I want.
Oh, God! Inchworms! Won't you get in trouble if your mom sees you doing that? Nah.
My mom's got bigger problems.
- She doesn't give a crap what I do.
- Wow, you are so lucky.
Come on.
Let's lock and load.
- You're not going out without a scarf, are ya? - Nah, I don't need one.
Hmm.
It's your health.
- Think I can hit that bottle? - Yeah, probably.
Shows what you know.
Hey, check this out.
That's my dad's shootin' car.
Just three more payments and it's ours.
- Oh, cool.
Can I get a shot now? - Hang on! - First, how about I try and peg you in the stomach? - Mmm, no, thanks.
Or what about you put on these nerd glasses and I shoot 'em off? No way! Come on! Quit hoggin' the gun! [ Chirping ] - Bet you can't hit that bird.
- Are you crazy? I don't want to shoot a stupid bird.
That's 'cause you know you can't.
You're not a superstud like me.
- Am too! - Are not! You're an octo-wussy.
''Whoa, look at me! I'm Bart Simpson! I'm scared to use a gun! I want to marry Milhouse.
I walk around like this-'' La la la-la la Hey, quit it! Hmm.
[ Chirping ] [ Whimpering ] - Oh, my God.
- Whoa! Major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight.
Crooked sight? You are one cold-blooded killer, dude.
But- But I wasn't- I didn't- Right through the neck! [ Whistles ] Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson.
- Savor the moment.
- [ Sighs ] - ## [ Humming ] - I rolled up all the socks.
- [ Gasps ] - What's next? - While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? - All right.
Ohh! I hate folding sheets.
That's your underwear.
Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job.
Where's Bart? He's up in his room.
Bart! It's okay, Marge.
I'll get him.
Bart! - What the heck's going on? - We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants.
- Where is he anyway? - Bart? Uh, he went to play with a friend.
He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? No, no.
I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse.
Milhouse! [ Milhouse Shouting ] What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's.
! Who's Nelson? Nelson? I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster.
Oh, Bart is in deep, deep trouble.
Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us.
-[ Door Slams ] - All right, young lady.
March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.
Get a little somethin' for yourself, sweetheart.
Shall we bury it or chuck it into a car full of girls? Hey, leave it alone! - Okay, okay! Don't kill me, killer.
- Don't call me that! Relax, Simpson.
It was either him or you.
No court would convict you.
[ Gavel Banging ] Bart Simpson, do you know why you have been summoned before this tribunal? Yes, sir.
Because I killed an innocent bird.
Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor! We're knee-deep in our own droppings.
It's disgusting.
But since you've confessed to birdslaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off.
- No! Not the face! - [ All Squawking ] [ Screaming ] [ Groans ] Oww! What are you doing? I got bored, so I started slapping you.
[ Gasps ] Uh-oh.
- [ Gasps ] - Young man, you're coming home with me this minute.
All right! Finally, a real home! Not you.
Bart.
Oh.
See ya later, killer.
''Killer''? Why did he call you killer? Mom, you were right.
Nelson is bad news.
Can we go home? - What are you hiding there? - [ Cats Yowling ] - Nothing.
- What are those cats doing behind you? - [ Yowling Continues ] - Uh, cats like me? [ Gasps ] Get- Get off.
Get off.
[ Yowling Continues ] [ Gasps ] Bart! Did you kill that poor bird? I didn't mean to, Mom.
The gun pulled to the left- You disobeyed me, snuck over here and murdered a helpless animal? I know.
I really screwed up.
I deserve to be punished.
What's the point, Bart? I punish and I punish and I punish, but it never sinks in.
So you know what? Do what you want.
You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine.
Have fun killing things.
Mom, wait! [ Whimpers ] - [ Sizzling ] - ## [ Humming ] Oh, my God.
Hi, little eggs.
I'm not sure how to tell you this, but your mom was involved in an incident.
Mistakes were made by me.
But don't worry.
I'll take care of you.
##[ Theme ] Hi, I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs- Eew.
!.
.
and Man vs.
Nature- The Road to Victory.
In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay.
Valuing her eggs above even her own life the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose.
- [ Shrieking ] - [ Chittering ] Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs.
[ Squawks ] Eggs.
Precious eggs.
If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide.
Or better yet, a 7 5-watt bulb.
Oh, hello.
In a few days our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here.
They look awfully hungry, Mr.
McClure.
They sure are, Billy.
In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat.
- That's gross! - [ Laughs ] It sure is, Billy.
It sure is.
##[ Theme Ends ] [ Murmuring ] You've checked this Bible out every weekend for the last nine years.
Wouldn't it be easier to just buy one? Perhaps on a librarian's salary.
Hey, fellas, good news.
I found an extra 7 5-watt bulb lying around.
[ Whistling ] - [ Clicks ] - D'oh! [ Screaming, Groaning ] ##[ Whistling ] Check it out, guys.
I've been working on this regurgitation thing.
[ Retching ] Oh, yeah! Hope you like Pop-Tarts.
I think I'll call you Chirpy Boy.
And you, BartJunior.
And you can call me Mother.
No, wait, that sounds kinda fruity.
Just call me Mom.
[ Gasps ] [ Sighs ] [ Whistling ] - [ Clicks ] - D'oh! [ Screaming, Groaning ] [ Growling, Yowling ] [ Yowls ] [ Whimpers ] [ Blubbering ] - [ Can Opens ] - What do you think he's doing up there? - I don't know.
Drug lab? - Drug lab? Or reading comic books.
What am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing.
I don't know, and I don't want to know.
And I'm going to find out.
Oh! My good gray extension cord.
[ Grumbles ] Oh, no! Gotta keep these warm.
Bart, stop whatever you're doing and come down here.
Can't right now.
Come back later.
Oh, I'll come back later.
How's this for later? - Mom, listen- - Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time? [ Whimpers ] - Eggs? - That bird I killed was their mother.
I don't want her babies to die too.
[ Groans ] Ohh- Oh, honey.
Oh, come here.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my goodness! Look! [ Gasps ] Oh, man! This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon.
- That never happened, Dad.
- Sure it didn't.
Is the nest still warm enough, Mom? Hmm.
It's starting to cool down.
I'll bake another pie.
Ooh, how about cherry this time? And would it kill you to make some coffee? Why is this taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes.
Actually, it took 53 hours.
- Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it? - [ Groans ] - Everybody come quick! They're hatching! - Hmm? [ Lisa Gasps ] - I see a foot.
- I see an eye! - I see a neck! - I see a horn! A horn? [ All Sigh ] - [ Both Hissing ] - [ All Gasping, Screaming ] [ Bart ] Man, those are some funky lookin'birds.
! Oh! You look like a little tiny dinosaur.
Oww! That is one vicious baby bird! Dad, they aren't birds.
Sure, they are.
They came from eggs in a bird's nest, therefore they're birds.
''Ickso fatso.
'' One- they don't have beaks.
Two- they don't have feathers.
- And three- they're lizards! - You're a lizard! Enough bickering.
I know how to settle this.
- No kickboxing.
- Ohh.
If anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement.
- [ Click ] - D'oh! [ Screaming, Groaning ] Now, uh, people, there's been some confusion about our bird-sighting rules.
You cannot count birds that you've seen at the zoo, on stamps or in dreams.
Well, I'm back to square one.
- [ Cooing ] - Mmm.
My God! A pigeon! That's the last bird on my list.
[ Chuckles ] So long, suckers.
Excuse me.
Can you tell us what kind of birds these are? - They hatched from eggs I found in a nest.
- [ Gasps ] Good heavens! I'm very glad you brought those in, Bart.
I'll just get those killed and you can be on your way.
- [ Gasps ] Wait! What the heck are you doing? - My civic duty, that's what.
''Bolivian tree lizard''? Mm-hmm.
It's a vicious ovoraptor.
It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest.
The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and devour her too.
[ Laughs ] What a chump! It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker.
How vile.
The one thing that mystifies me is how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield.
[ Clears Throat ] That is a puzzlement.
[ Grunting ] Ah.
## [ Humming ] - [ Shrieks ] - Mmm? Mmm.
Look, Skinner, we haven't got all day.
Kill the horrid beasts.
- Then do away with their lizards.
- No, don't hurt them! - I'll just keep 'em as pets.
- No, they might escape and breed.
The law is very clear on this.
They must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible.
- [ Whirring ] - No! They're mine! I'm sure we can work this out.
He's just a child.
Let me talk to him.
I'll give you a moment.
That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter.
Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do.
Your lizards are banned by federal law.
Everyone thinks they're monsters.
But I raised them and I love them.
I know that's hard to understand.
Mmm.
Not as hard as you think.
- Run for it.
- Really? Okay, that's exactly one moment.
And- Oh, my God! He's getting away! - [ Gasping, Murmuring ] - Stop him! - Out of the way, Midge.
- Oh, am I in the way? Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? Sorry.
I didn't realize I was in the way.
You're still in the way.
You don't seem to be moving at all.
Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down.
- [ Moe ] Way to shove, Edna.
- [ Apu ] Let us roll.
Guys, is it really true? Are you cold-blooded egg murderers? Don't use that look on me.
I invented that look.
There he is, off in the distance! - [ Whimpering, Panting ] - [ Smithers ] He's getting away.
! - [ Gasps ] - Okay, Bart.
This is where it ends.
Relinquish the lizards.
- [ Gasping ] - I said relinquish.
- Aah! - [ Both Grunting ] - [ Marge Gasps ] - [ Grunting Continues ] Oh! Oh, no! You killed 'em! - [ Groans ] - Good riddance to bad lizards.
Hmm? Hey! Whoa! Look at 'em! Go, Chirpy Boy! Go, BartJunior! Oh, nuts! Wow.
Did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding? Yes.
But I was hoping they didn't know that.
Well, I hope you're happy, Bart.
You have no idea what kind of plague you've unleashed upon this town.
Our top story: The population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded and local citizens couldn't be happier.
It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon also known as the feathered rat, or gutterbird.
For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment by flocks of chattering disease-bags.
For decimating our pigeon population and making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives I present you with this scented candle.
- [ All Cheering ] - Yeah! All right! Well, I was wrong.
The lizards are a godsend.
But isn't that a bit shortsighted? - What happens when we're overrun by lizards? - No problem.
We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes.
- They'll wipe out the lizards.
- But aren't the snakes even worse? Yes, but we're prepared for that.
We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
- Then we're stuck with gorillas! - No, that's the beautiful part.
When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.
Hmm.
I'm proud of you, boy.
[ Sniffs ] Mmm.
Loganberry.
I don't get it, Bart.
You got all upset when you killed one bird but now you've killed tens of thousands and it doesn't bother you at all.
Hey, you're right.
- I call the front seat! - You had it on the way over! - Hey! - [ Both Grunting ] [ Bart ] Out of my way.
! Oww.
! - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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The Simpsons s10e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror IX
[ Sinister Laughter ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Groans ] - D'oh! - [ Screams ] - [ Screams ] - [ Beeping ] - [ Groans ] I don't get it.
They should be here by now.
Ah, what are you gonna do? Hmm.
Good lines, nice balance.
Let's see how she handles.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.
Tame it, baby.
Yo, ring her up, dude.
- [ Dings ] - [ Gasps ] You cannot smoke in here.
Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
[ Coughs ] Oh, God.
You smokers disgust me.
Hey, 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? Hands up, scuzbag! No, not you.
The smoking scuzbag.
Oh, chill out, dude.
I'll pay the fine.
Not this time, you won't.
This is your third strike.
First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Hey, that was self-defense.
Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal- Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, you'll never make it stick, dude.
Will too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses.
Apu, that scuzbag Mo.
- I'm not going to forget this, dudes.
- [ Gasps ] I'm going to totally kill both of you.
And don't forget Bart Simpson.
- He's a witness too.
Right, Barty? - Oh.
Oh, you are so dead, little dude.
- Thanks a lot, Chief.
- [ Laughs ] You kids crack me up.
Hi.
I'm Ed McMahon.
Tonight on Fox from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off and Secrets of National Security Revealed it's World's Deadliest Executions.
- [ Cheering, Applause ] - Making his first appearance on our show he-e-ere's Snake! [ Booing, Heckling ] Thank you, chickie-pies.
The chair? Aw.
How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps? [ Man ] Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake.
You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Groaning ] [ Coughing ] [ Groaning ] Dude.
- Hey-oh! - [ Cheering ] All right! Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs.
- Dibs on the liver! - [ Rings ] Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor.
I'm saved.
Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, Homer.
This is genuine human hair.
This is legal, right? Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
These drugs will make the operation - seem like a beautiful dream.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Groans ] - Ahh.
Hi, everybody.
[ Humming ] Who wants to see their sexy new daddy? - [ Gasps ] - Whoa! - [ Lisa ] Oh, Dad.
! - [ Bart ] Whoa.
Wow.
If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore.
[ Owl Hooting ] - [ Muttering ] - [ Snoring ] [ Snake's Voice ] Later, chickie-pie.
[ Electronic Bell Rings ] Whoo! Ooh, la, la, Simpson.
Huh.
What can I do for you and your new do? [ Snake's Voice ] You sent me to the chair.
[ Gasps ] Snake? But you're dead.
I know you are, but what am I? No.
No.
No! And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
- [ Gasping ] - Oh, my God! That's horrible.
Who will run the Kwik-E-Mart? [ Slurping ] I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Ah, geez, Lou.
How long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing? [ Slurping ] Who'd do such a thing? Ah, mornin', Homer.
Ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.
[ Snake's Voice ] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey.
I'm gonna, like, totally waste you.
Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus.
- What-[ Groans ] - Oh! - [ Corkscrew Twisting ] - Oh.
- Yoink.
- Ah, for cryin' out loud.
[ Groans ] Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today.
Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered! It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too.
I'm next! [ Normal Voice ] Don't worry.
I'll protect you- [ Snake's Voice ] Little dude.
[ Banging ] [ Normal Voice ] There.
Now no murderers can get in.
[ Snake's Voice ] Or out.
- Dad? - You are so dead.
No! Come here, you little- [ Goofy Laugh ] Stop it.
You're killing me! [ Screams ] - My school picture.
- Daddy would like a word with you, Barty.
[ Gasps ] Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy.
That's Snake's voice.
Of course.
The transplant.
Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling- Oh, please, Lisa.
Everyone's already figured that out.
[ Whimpering ] You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
[ Normal Voice ] But I look so youthful and hunky.
[ Snake's Voice ] The kid's gotta die.
[ Normal Voice ] But I love my son.
[ Snake's Voice ] More than a lush head of hair? [ Normal Voice ] Don't make me choose! [ Snake's Voice Laughing ] [ Normal Voice ] No! [ Screaming ] - I love you, Son.
- I love you too, Dad.
[ Screams ] - [ Muffled ] Get off.
Get it off.
- [ Gasping ] I'll show you, hair! - [ Grunting ] - Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little- - [ Choking ] - Don't you- - I'll kill you.
- Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa- pasa- Ah,just Moe.
Just Moe.
It wasn't me.
It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! Now that's what I call a bad hair day.
[ Laughing ] May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh.
Wait.
I just got it.
[ Laughs ] - [ Laughing ] - It is funny.
Bad hair day.
- [ Audience Oohing ] - [ Shouts ] Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck your blood.
Okay.
Get ready for the violentest, disembowelingest vomit-inducingest Itchy and Scratchy Halloween special ever! - Hey.
- What the- Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
[ Groaning ] Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Nah, it's too early.
I need to work under cover of darkness.
[ Groans ] Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where? [ Chomping ] Well, we're leaving.
And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy.
- Aw! - I'd better take these batteries just to be sure.
- [ Gasps ] - Mm-hmm.
- [ Door Closes ] - ##[ Harmonica:Blues ] [ Singing ] [ Ends ] There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere.
- [ Buzzing ] - Hmm.
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium.
It's highly unstable! [ Grunting ] Don't you ever get tired of being wrong? - [ Crackling ] - [ Shouts ] [ Doorbell Rings ] Trick or treat! - What's wrong with the TV? - [ Buzzing ] - Color's screwed up.
- [ Crackling ] Whoa! Cool.
Bart, quit it! [ Grunting ] Hey.
[ Muttering ] Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon.
- How humiliating.
- [ Gasps ] Look.
[ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] Why are you laughing? Hey.
They're laughing at your pain.
That's mean.
Let's teach 'em a lesson.
A cartoon ax.
I love it.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] - Help! Police! - [ Siren Wailing ] [ Sighing ] ''To protect and sever''? - [ Screaming ] - [ Revving ] - ## [ Humming ] Hmm.
- ## [ Orchestral ] - Hmm? - [ Screaming ] Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one? - Sorry.
- It happens.
Hey, hey! Wiggedy, wiggedy.
Poochie's in the house.
- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Groaning ] [ Gasps ] We're done for, Bart.
! Not if I know cartoons.
Whoa! - Whew.
That was close.
- Uh, Bart? Not now, Lise.
I'm trying to relax.
[ Wind Whistling ] [ Electricity Crackling ] [ Screaming ] Boring.
[ Slurps ] I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing! Reg, there's no cilantro in it.
- [ Screaming ] - Oh, God! - Man alive.
This soup is out of control! - Oh.
- Hey! - [ Screams ] My- My eyes.
My beautiful eyes! Oh, that's it.
I'm going home.
Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
[ Crackling ] - Oh, Itchy's house.
This is where we came in.
- Look! Dad, you gotta get us out of here! Use the remote! Huh? Oh, okay.
Let's see.
Pause.
Uh, three.
No.
FF- Come on! [ Cranking, Squeaking ] Hurry, Homer! [ Buzzing ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Chomping ] Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Dad, push ''exit.
'' Hmm.
- Hey.
- Aaah! Lisa, look out! A skeleton! Aah! - [ Sighing ] - [ Banging ] [ Laughing ] [ Screaming ] [ Growling ] [ Giggles ] Look how cute they are.
[ Squeaking ] [ Laughs ] Look at him go.
[ Purring ] - [ Heart Beating ] - You're beautiful.
Aw, somebody's in love.
That means you'll have to be neutered.
No! Here comes the flying saucer.
[ Crying ] - What's wrong with Stinky? - She's teething.
- Look.
Her very first baby tooth.
- [ Homer ] Aw- - Ew.
! - [ Bart ] Disgusting.
- Ugh.
I just lost my appetite.
- Me too.
Wait.
Mine came back.
[ Chomping ] - [ Fussing ] - I know how to cheer you up.
This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart.
This little piggy went nuts.
This little piggy went surfing.
And this little piggy went- [ Gasps ] Oh! Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.
Oh, my God.
[ Gasping ] Homer, do something.
The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.
[ Sighs ] All right, I got it.
[ Muttering ] Come on.
Get off the- [ Hissing ] [ Shouting ] Bad baby! Oh.
She's entering the terrible twos, all right.
It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.
- Aah! - Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor? Fire, and lots of it.
Oh, that's your cure for everything.
[ Rattles ] - [ Squeaks ] - Poor, Maggie.
If only you could tell us what's happening to you.
Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 1 3.
Holy flirking shnit.
What's the message? ''Larval stage completed.
''Standing by for orders.
Experiencing terrible rash.
Over.
'' Ensign Kodos, set coordinates for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet known as Earth.
It's time I paid a visit to - my daughter.
- [ Gulps ] - We'll return with How Dracula Got His Groove Back.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] Hello- Oh, great.
Mormons.
Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
And we've come to see - my daughter.
- [ Squeaks ] [ Groans ] Oh, Lord.
I was hoping this day would never come.
Huh? What are you talking about? You mean you never told him? Oh, I guess I've been in denial.
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
[ Gasps ] You intergalactic hussy! How could you? [ Sobbing ] - Was he better than me? - It all happened about two years ago.
There I was having a great time in the backyard when without warning, I was abducted by aliens.
[ Kang ] Warning.
! Warning.
! Prepare to be abducted.
Huh? [ Groans ] Congratulations.
You have been selected for our crossbreeding program.
To put you at ease, we have re-created the most common spawning locations of your species.
You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding or the alley behind a porno theater.
I absolutely refuse to go along with this.
But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
Initiate fertilization procedure.
[ Yawns ] Oh, you look lovely this evening.
- Have you decreased in mass? - [ Marge Narrating ] I tried to resist but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.
Look! Behind you! - Insemination complete.
- Really? That seemed awfully quick.
- What are you implying? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Whoa.
Wow.
Look at the time.
I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow.
You're a super girl though.
I'll call you sometime.
[ Shouts ] Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.
And now she must return home to Rigel VII where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life.
Well, we can't compete with that, but- - But nothing.
Get your slime-less hands off her.
- [ Grunting ] People! People! Space monsters.
This is going nowhere.
There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.
- ##[ Pop ] - [ Audience Chanting ]Jerry.
!Jerry.
!Jerry.
! Okay, we're back.
Homer, how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus? It made me angry,Jerry.
Angry and tired.
Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproofbooth where he can't hear us.
I hear all.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
- [ Audience Cheering ] - Hey! Yeah! - Mmm.
- Whoo.
! One-eyed, two-timing- [ Bleeping ] I'm gonna- [ Bleeping ] Oh, yeah? Well- [ Bleeping ] hyperbolic paraboloid- [ Bleeping ] your mama.
Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
- Homer.
- Nah, the green dude.
If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at? - [ Audience Affirming ] - [ Groans ] You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility.
- [ Audience ] Yeah.
! - [ Screams ] Now hold on, Kang.
You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.
[ Screaming ] And now for my final thought.
Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.
Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.
- [ Hissing ] - Ow! What the- [ Bleeps ] Get the- [ Bleeps ] baby off.
[ Bleeps ] Son of a- [ Bleeps ] [ Groaning ] ##[ Pop ] I'm so- [ Bleeps ] embarrassed.
##[ Ends ] I can't believe it.
Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
- And now he's dead.
- Anyhoo, this is your last chance.
Turn over the baby now.
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington.
Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician.
Just watch us.
[ Laughing ] [ Bart ] Don't forget Ken Starr! Suckers.
Come on, Maggie.
Let's go home.
- [ Alien Voice ] Very well.
I'll drive.
- [ All Gasping ] [ Maniacal Laughter] I need blood.
[ Regis ] My eyes.
! My beautiful eyes.
!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Treehouse of Horror IX
The Simpsons s10e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror IX
[ Sinister Laughter ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Groans ] - D'oh! - [ Screams ] - [ Screams ] - [ Beeping ] - [ Groans ] I don't get it.
They should be here by now.
Ah, what are you gonna do? Hmm.
Good lines, nice balance.
Let's see how she handles.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.
Tame it, baby.
Yo, ring her up, dude.
- [ Dings ] - [ Gasps ] You cannot smoke in here.
Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
[ Coughs ] Oh, God.
You smokers disgust me.
Hey, 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? Hands up, scuzbag! No, not you.
The smoking scuzbag.
Oh, chill out, dude.
I'll pay the fine.
Not this time, you won't.
This is your third strike.
First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Hey, that was self-defense.
Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal- Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, you'll never make it stick, dude.
Will too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses.
Apu, that scuzbag Mo.
- I'm not going to forget this, dudes.
- [ Gasps ] I'm going to totally kill both of you.
And don't forget Bart Simpson.
- He's a witness too.
Right, Barty? - Oh.
Oh, you are so dead, little dude.
- Thanks a lot, Chief.
- [ Laughs ] You kids crack me up.
Hi.
I'm Ed McMahon.
Tonight on Fox from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off and Secrets of National Security Revealed it's World's Deadliest Executions.
- [ Cheering, Applause ] - Making his first appearance on our show he-e-ere's Snake! [ Booing, Heckling ] Thank you, chickie-pies.
The chair? Aw.
How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps? [ Man ] Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake.
You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Groaning ] [ Coughing ] [ Groaning ] Dude.
- Hey-oh! - [ Cheering ] All right! Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs.
- Dibs on the liver! - [ Rings ] Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor.
I'm saved.
Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, Homer.
This is genuine human hair.
This is legal, right? Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
These drugs will make the operation - seem like a beautiful dream.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Groans ] - Ahh.
Hi, everybody.
[ Humming ] Who wants to see their sexy new daddy? - [ Gasps ] - Whoa! - [ Lisa ] Oh, Dad.
! - [ Bart ] Whoa.
Wow.
If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore.
[ Owl Hooting ] - [ Muttering ] - [ Snoring ] [ Snake's Voice ] Later, chickie-pie.
[ Electronic Bell Rings ] Whoo! Ooh, la, la, Simpson.
Huh.
What can I do for you and your new do? [ Snake's Voice ] You sent me to the chair.
[ Gasps ] Snake? But you're dead.
I know you are, but what am I? No.
No.
No! And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
- [ Gasping ] - Oh, my God! That's horrible.
Who will run the Kwik-E-Mart? [ Slurping ] I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Ah, geez, Lou.
How long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing? [ Slurping ] Who'd do such a thing? Ah, mornin', Homer.
Ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.
[ Snake's Voice ] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey.
I'm gonna, like, totally waste you.
Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus.
- What-[ Groans ] - Oh! - [ Corkscrew Twisting ] - Oh.
- Yoink.
- Ah, for cryin' out loud.
[ Groans ] Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today.
Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered! It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too.
I'm next! [ Normal Voice ] Don't worry.
I'll protect you- [ Snake's Voice ] Little dude.
[ Banging ] [ Normal Voice ] There.
Now no murderers can get in.
[ Snake's Voice ] Or out.
- Dad? - You are so dead.
No! Come here, you little- [ Goofy Laugh ] Stop it.
You're killing me! [ Screams ] - My school picture.
- Daddy would like a word with you, Barty.
[ Gasps ] Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy.
That's Snake's voice.
Of course.
The transplant.
Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling- Oh, please, Lisa.
Everyone's already figured that out.
[ Whimpering ] You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
[ Normal Voice ] But I look so youthful and hunky.
[ Snake's Voice ] The kid's gotta die.
[ Normal Voice ] But I love my son.
[ Snake's Voice ] More than a lush head of hair? [ Normal Voice ] Don't make me choose! [ Snake's Voice Laughing ] [ Normal Voice ] No! [ Screaming ] - I love you, Son.
- I love you too, Dad.
[ Screams ] - [ Muffled ] Get off.
Get it off.
- [ Gasping ] I'll show you, hair! - [ Grunting ] - Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little- - [ Choking ] - Don't you- - I'll kill you.
- Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa- pasa- Ah,just Moe.
Just Moe.
It wasn't me.
It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! Now that's what I call a bad hair day.
[ Laughing ] May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh.
Wait.
I just got it.
[ Laughs ] - [ Laughing ] - It is funny.
Bad hair day.
- [ Audience Oohing ] - [ Shouts ] Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck your blood.
Okay.
Get ready for the violentest, disembowelingest vomit-inducingest Itchy and Scratchy Halloween special ever! - Hey.
- What the- Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
[ Groaning ] Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Nah, it's too early.
I need to work under cover of darkness.
[ Groans ] Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where? [ Chomping ] Well, we're leaving.
And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy.
- Aw! - I'd better take these batteries just to be sure.
- [ Gasps ] - Mm-hmm.
- [ Door Closes ] - ##[ Harmonica:Blues ] [ Singing ] [ Ends ] There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere.
- [ Buzzing ] - Hmm.
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium.
It's highly unstable! [ Grunting ] Don't you ever get tired of being wrong? - [ Crackling ] - [ Shouts ] [ Doorbell Rings ] Trick or treat! - What's wrong with the TV? - [ Buzzing ] - Color's screwed up.
- [ Crackling ] Whoa! Cool.
Bart, quit it! [ Grunting ] Hey.
[ Muttering ] Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon.
- How humiliating.
- [ Gasps ] Look.
[ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] Why are you laughing? Hey.
They're laughing at your pain.
That's mean.
Let's teach 'em a lesson.
A cartoon ax.
I love it.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] - Help! Police! - [ Siren Wailing ] [ Sighing ] ''To protect and sever''? - [ Screaming ] - [ Revving ] - ## [ Humming ] Hmm.
- ## [ Orchestral ] - Hmm? - [ Screaming ] Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one? - Sorry.
- It happens.
Hey, hey! Wiggedy, wiggedy.
Poochie's in the house.
- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Groaning ] [ Gasps ] We're done for, Bart.
! Not if I know cartoons.
Whoa! - Whew.
That was close.
- Uh, Bart? Not now, Lise.
I'm trying to relax.
[ Wind Whistling ] [ Electricity Crackling ] [ Screaming ] Boring.
[ Slurps ] I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing! Reg, there's no cilantro in it.
- [ Screaming ] - Oh, God! - Man alive.
This soup is out of control! - Oh.
- Hey! - [ Screams ] My- My eyes.
My beautiful eyes! Oh, that's it.
I'm going home.
Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
[ Crackling ] - Oh, Itchy's house.
This is where we came in.
- Look! Dad, you gotta get us out of here! Use the remote! Huh? Oh, okay.
Let's see.
Pause.
Uh, three.
No.
FF- Come on! [ Cranking, Squeaking ] Hurry, Homer! [ Buzzing ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Chomping ] Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Dad, push ''exit.
'' Hmm.
- Hey.
- Aaah! Lisa, look out! A skeleton! Aah! - [ Sighing ] - [ Banging ] [ Laughing ] [ Screaming ] [ Growling ] [ Giggles ] Look how cute they are.
[ Squeaking ] [ Laughs ] Look at him go.
[ Purring ] - [ Heart Beating ] - You're beautiful.
Aw, somebody's in love.
That means you'll have to be neutered.
No! Here comes the flying saucer.
[ Crying ] - What's wrong with Stinky? - She's teething.
- Look.
Her very first baby tooth.
- [ Homer ] Aw- - Ew.
! - [ Bart ] Disgusting.
- Ugh.
I just lost my appetite.
- Me too.
Wait.
Mine came back.
[ Chomping ] - [ Fussing ] - I know how to cheer you up.
This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart.
This little piggy went nuts.
This little piggy went surfing.
And this little piggy went- [ Gasps ] Oh! Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.
Oh, my God.
[ Gasping ] Homer, do something.
The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.
[ Sighs ] All right, I got it.
[ Muttering ] Come on.
Get off the- [ Hissing ] [ Shouting ] Bad baby! Oh.
She's entering the terrible twos, all right.
It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.
- Aah! - Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor? Fire, and lots of it.
Oh, that's your cure for everything.
[ Rattles ] - [ Squeaks ] - Poor, Maggie.
If only you could tell us what's happening to you.
Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 1 3.
Holy flirking shnit.
What's the message? ''Larval stage completed.
''Standing by for orders.
Experiencing terrible rash.
Over.
'' Ensign Kodos, set coordinates for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet known as Earth.
It's time I paid a visit to - my daughter.
- [ Gulps ] - We'll return with How Dracula Got His Groove Back.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] Hello- Oh, great.
Mormons.
Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
And we've come to see - my daughter.
- [ Squeaks ] [ Groans ] Oh, Lord.
I was hoping this day would never come.
Huh? What are you talking about? You mean you never told him? Oh, I guess I've been in denial.
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
[ Gasps ] You intergalactic hussy! How could you? [ Sobbing ] - Was he better than me? - It all happened about two years ago.
There I was having a great time in the backyard when without warning, I was abducted by aliens.
[ Kang ] Warning.
! Warning.
! Prepare to be abducted.
Huh? [ Groans ] Congratulations.
You have been selected for our crossbreeding program.
To put you at ease, we have re-created the most common spawning locations of your species.
You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding or the alley behind a porno theater.
I absolutely refuse to go along with this.
But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
Initiate fertilization procedure.
[ Yawns ] Oh, you look lovely this evening.
- Have you decreased in mass? - [ Marge Narrating ] I tried to resist but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.
Look! Behind you! - Insemination complete.
- Really? That seemed awfully quick.
- What are you implying? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Whoa.
Wow.
Look at the time.
I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow.
You're a super girl though.
I'll call you sometime.
[ Shouts ] Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.
And now she must return home to Rigel VII where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life.
Well, we can't compete with that, but- - But nothing.
Get your slime-less hands off her.
- [ Grunting ] People! People! Space monsters.
This is going nowhere.
There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.
- ##[ Pop ] - [ Audience Chanting ]Jerry.
!Jerry.
!Jerry.
! Okay, we're back.
Homer, how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus? It made me angry,Jerry.
Angry and tired.
Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproofbooth where he can't hear us.
I hear all.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
- [ Audience Cheering ] - Hey! Yeah! - Mmm.
- Whoo.
! One-eyed, two-timing- [ Bleeping ] I'm gonna- [ Bleeping ] Oh, yeah? Well- [ Bleeping ] hyperbolic paraboloid- [ Bleeping ] your mama.
Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
- Homer.
- Nah, the green dude.
If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at? - [ Audience Affirming ] - [ Groans ] You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility.
- [ Audience ] Yeah.
! - [ Screams ] Now hold on, Kang.
You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.
[ Screaming ] And now for my final thought.
Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.
Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.
- [ Hissing ] - Ow! What the- [ Bleeps ] Get the- [ Bleeps ] baby off.
[ Bleeps ] Son of a- [ Bleeps ] [ Groaning ] ##[ Pop ] I'm so- [ Bleeps ] embarrassed.
##[ Ends ] I can't believe it.
Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
- And now he's dead.
- Anyhoo, this is your last chance.
Turn over the baby now.
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington.
Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician.
Just watch us.
[ Laughing ] [ Bart ] Don't forget Ken Starr! Suckers.
Come on, Maggie.
Let's go home.
- [ Alien Voice ] Very well.
I'll drive.
- [ All Gasping ] [ Maniacal Laughter] I need blood.
[ Regis ] My eyes.
! My beautiful eyes.
!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  When You Dish Upon a Star
The Simpsons s10e05 Episode Script
When You Dish Upon a Star
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Humming ] [ Homer's Voice ] Hey, Bart-Bart looks like a beautiful day to swipe some ''pic-i-nic'' baskets.
[ Bart's Voice ] But, ''Homi,'' Ranger Ned's not gonna like that.
I'll handle Ranger Ned.
After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.
Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi.
Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that- [ Shouting ] Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned.
- You want some of this? - Uh-uh.
- [ Shouting ] - [ Groaning ] [ Growling ] - Dad, wake up! Wake up! - Dad, wake up! [ Moans ] I was having the most wonderful dream.
I had a hat and a tie, with no pants on.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, you promised to take us to the lake.
I promise you lots of things.
That's what makes me such a good father.
Actually keeping promises would make you a good father.
- No, that would make me a great father.
- So Are we going to the lake? Yes, we'll go to the darn lake.
Now go back to bed.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
Aw, 4:00 a.
m.
? Now I'll never get back to- [ Snoring ] [ Singing Cartoon Theme Song ] Hey, you shouldn't have oughta taken my banana, Mr.
Peebles.
[ Roars, Hoots ] - [ Horns Honking ] - [ Marge ] Wow.
! It looks like the lake is the place to be, huh? Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.
m like I wanted to- Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.
m like I wanted to- Dad, you really should be watching the road.
- Hey, Homer.
Enough traffic for you? - [ Neck Cracks ] - Homer, your spine.
- [ Cracks ] Hey, pfft.
Screw this.
Hang on, everyone.
We're taking the old Simpson shortcut.
- [ Tires Squeal ] - [ Homer] So long, suckers.
[ Bart ] Whoa! [ Chuckles ] Eat my dust, suckers.
[ Marge ] Stop calling everyone suckers.
[ Homer Scatting ] Hmm.
[ Chomps ] Ugh! Pesticides.
[ Chomps ] Carbamate, if I'm not mistaken.
Yep.
Carbamate.
- [ Marge ] Tree! - I see it.
Hmm.
This is such a secluded area.
I wonder who lives in that house.
[ Homer ] Way out in the sticks like this? It could only be hillbillies.
So I suppose that's a hillbillyJacuzzi.
Yep.
That's where they cook up their vittles.
[ Chattering ] [ Laughs ] - [ Rod And Todd Giggling ] - Hey, here come the Simpsons.
Now be careful, Homer.
There's a fella in the sand right in front of you.
[ Shouts ] Okay, remember where we parked.
[ Ned ] Homer, is that my muffler? There you go.
And I assume you've read the boat safety manual.
Oh, yeah.
Couldn't put it down.
Come on, boy.
Let's get me a six-pack.
Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.
- Life jackets? - Check.
- Tow rope? - Secure.
- Skier? - Ready.
Here we go.
She's down.
- Oh, look at it go.
- Stay there, honey.
We'll come back for you.
[ Screams ] - How's he doing? - I don't know.
I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.
Faster, Marge! Faster.
The snapping turtles are massing.
- Heads up! Coming through.
- [ Clamoring ] Hey, volleyball.
Can I play later? Hi, Apu.
Oh, dear.
You have ruined my work, you flying fat man.
- [ Screeching ] - [ Clamoring ] Hey! [ Sighs ] Step on it, Mom.
Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher.
[ Gurgling ] Higher.
[ Spits ] Bye-bye, ''fishies.
'' Higher.
Higher! I'm soaring- Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft.
Higher, Marge.
Higher! - It won't go any.
- Higher, I say.
I wanna soar higher than any man has ever soared.
I wanna look down on the clouds with contempt.
I wanna sneer at God's creation and spit on his- Uh-oh.
[ Whimpering ] Lower! Lower! - There goes my turn.
- [ Whimpering ] This is not good.
[ Whimpers, Gasps ] Aw, nuts.
[ Shouting ] [ Buzzing ] Huh? What? Oh, already? - [ Woman Gasps ] What the hell- - Sorry, lady.
[ Gasps ] I know you.
You're Kim ''Basin-jer.
'' - It's Basinger.
- Oh, my God.
I'm such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss ''Basin-jer.
'' Thanks.
Um, listen.
- You think you could slide over a little? - Well, I am a married man.
- You're crushing my husband.
- [ Man Groans ] [ Gasps ] Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin.
Could you get off me? So what are you two kids doing in my neck of the woods? - Well- - Wait! Tell me over breakfast.
Who's for pancakes? Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, Mr.
Simpson? You had an awful lot of glass in you.
Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Anyway, what are you two big Hollywood stars doing in good old Springfield? Sometimes we need to get away from Hollywood.
L.
A.
is just so phony.
Well, why don't you just move to, say, Bethesda? - Not phony enough.
- What we really like here is the privacy.
Most people don't even know where Springfield is.
Yeah.
Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure.
We're trying to keep a low profile.
We don't even go to the supermarket.
Yeah, we've been living off congratulatory muffin baskets.
Blech! Zucchini.
- Don't just put that back in the basket.
- I'm gonna eat it later.
You shouldn't have to survive on dry, crumbly muffins from ''the Gersh Agency.
'' You should let me do your shopping.
I know where I can get you some great muffins.
- No more muffins.
- Okay, fine.
But I could do all kinds of stuff for you.
I notice that skylight in your bedroom's broken.
Yeah, I'm not sure we need an assistant, Mr.
Simpson.
Please.
Homer.
Come on.
If you let me hang around a while, I can do all kinds of stuff for ya.
Well, we are down to our last roll of toilet paper.
And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week.
I suppose we could give it a try.
- Yeah, you owe me that much.
- Okay, you're on.
But look- Nobody knows we're in Springfield, and we wanna keep it that way.
Will you promise to keep our secret? Absolutely, if you promise to keep mine.
- Okay.
What is it? - I can't read.
But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency.
I recognized the logo.
[ Whistling ] Homie, are you okay? We've been lookin' all over for you, Dad.
Where did you land? - Nowhere famous.
- Where'd you get that muffin? Gersh Agency.
Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items, and I don't want any guff.
First of all, I'll need the following mushrooms: - Portobello.
- Yes.
- Porcini.
- Right.
- Chanterelle.
- Uh-huh.
- And Shiitake.
- Okay.
We have none of those.
What is next? A gallon of wheatgrass juice, a five-pound wad of tofu, some jellied zinc and a couple of pairs of $600 sunglasses.
Mr.
Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different from your usual order of beer and pork.
- What gives? - Uh, nothing, nothing.
I'm just broadening my horizons.
By the way, do you have extra-wide bumper stickers for a Humvee? Wow.
You got everything, Homer- Even the Oscar polish.
- [ Squeaking ] - Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off.
When you win one, you can take care of it however you want.
Whoo-hoo.
Meow.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] - I'll get it.
I'll get it.
- Yes? - Hi.
I'm Ron Howard.
- Ron Howard? - Yeah.
I'm looking for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger? Oh, hey, Ron.
We heard you were looking for a place in Springfield.
Yeah, well, it's the only town in America that'll let me fish with dynamite.
Uh-What's with him? Oh, that's just Homer.
He's a new friend of ours.
Really? You giant stars consider me a friend? Well, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm somebody.
Ronny, are you also my close friend? [ Sniffs ] Do I smell vodka? And wheatgrass? It's called a lawn mower.
I invented it.
- You want one? - Yeah, okay.
- And I'll have a rum and zinc.
- Ooh, I'll have one of those too.
- Hey, can I crash here tonight? - Sure.
We'll all stay.
A cell phone? Last Thursday's Variety? - [ Door Closes ] - ##[ Whistling ] [ Gasps ] I'll do that.
You go upstairs and have a beer.
Homer, when did you become a member of PETA? Well, you know me.
I love animals- Beef, chicken, veal.
If you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the problem.
- That's not what PETA stand- - [ Ringing ] - Imagine Films.
- Hmm? A, uh, division of, um, Homer Co.
- ##[ Disco Beat ] - And lift.
And strain.
And hyperextend.
Keep those knees rigid.
Jerk that lower back.
Homer, I'm- I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck.
That' right, force it.
Whip that neck.
Um, does anybody know where this came from? Oh, there's that movie script I wrote.
- Where did you find it? - On my pillow.
The important thing is, it's got the perfect part for you.
Either one of you.
It's about a killer-robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason.
Ron Howard's attached to direct.
- I am not.
- Well, he expressed an interest.
- No, I didn't.
- Did too.
- I did not.
- You lie! Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 1 20 pages.
This is only 1 7 and several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine.
- So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie? - I'm sorry, Homer.
Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too.
You're on your own, Potsie.
''The Terminizer:An Erotic Thriller.
'' [ Chattering, Laughter ] So I'm in the grocery store the other day, buying some cotton balls.
- The absorbent kind? - You got that right, my friend.
- [ Laughing ] - I round the corner and I head down the ointment aisle when who should I spot- None other than Kent Brockman.
The local news guy? ''Mr.
Channel 6''? - [ Chattering ] - My God! What I'd give to meet him.
- Oh, they don't come much bigger than that.
- [ Blows Raspberries ] Kent Brockman? Please.
Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star.
- I might have.
- Come on, make with a name.
[ Groans ] I can't.
I promised I wouldn't.
You've got to keep our secret, Homer.
Homer, we're out of vodka.
Tell the people, Homer.
They have a right to know about the celebrity summer house.
- Who the hell are you? - What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear.
All right, I'm gonna let you guys in on something.
But you've got to keep it much more secret than I did.
[ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] Yes! In your freckled face, Howard.
- Unbelievable.
- What? Nothing, nothing.
Good hustle.
- [ Rhythmic Rumbling ] - My God-The lemonade.
Look at the lemonade.
- [ Rumbling Continues ] - Uh-oh.
[ Chattering ] Hey, look at that.
Isn't that something? Quick- Everybody inside.
The shuttlecock- Where's the shuttlecock? - [ Chattering ] - [ Panting ] [ Chattering Continues ] Arr.
I loved Splash, Mr.
Howard.
- It was totally, uh, uh, arr.
[ Chuckles ] - Uh, Miss Basinger? Those red pumps you wore in L.
A.
Confidential were fabulous.
Where can I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 1 2 double-E.
Alec, Alec- Regarding that so-called silent propulsion system in The Hunt for Red October- I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.
Somebody must have told them we live here.
I'm looking at you, Horshack.
Homer, how could you? Okay, okay, it was me.
I'm sorry I blew your secret.
But you don't know what it's like to be a nobody.
I just wanted to bask in your reflected glory.
Reflected glory! Homer, you betrayed our confidence.
I just don't think we can be friends anymore.
- But where will I bask? - Anywhere but here.
Come on, Ron.
We're not wanted here.
All right, I'll go.
But the next time you want someone to remind you which brother is which - or smell your hair while you're sleeping- - [ Gasps ] just remember, old Homer won't be here anymore.
- [ Clamoring ] - [ Moe ] Hey, come on.
! [ Sideshow Mel ] Wait a minute.
Somebody's coming out.
- Who is it? Is it anybody? - No, no.
It's nobody.
Throw your stones.
It's nobody.
[ Clamoring ] Oh, how could Alec and Kim just cut me out of their lives? Homer, you haven't touched your food.
When Kim makes a Manwich, she uses focaccia bread.
And would it kill you to put some fennel in it? Alec Baldwin? Wow! That is the coolest person you've ever been fired by.
- What was it like at their house? - Oh, it was so great.
I didn't have to fake it with them.
I was actually excited to hear about their day.
- I washed the dog today.
- Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies? - Of course not.
- [ Groans ] Our dog isn't famous.
And you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack.
And you-You couldn't open a movie if your life depended on it.
I'm about ready to ankle this family.
Ankle? Focaccia? What are you talking about? See? It's like we don't even speak the same language anymore.
The only one who understands me is that guy who married Martha Raye.
Don't blame us, Dad.
The celebrities are the ones who canned you.
Hmm.
She may not be famous, but she's right.
Those big-shot stars used me up and spit me out.
I did their laundry.
Got their pictures developed.
Took their garbage to the dump.
And I still got a carful of their crap.
Crap, eh? [ Chattering ] Hey, is it too late to see the movie stars? No, no.
Just, uh, hop that fence sneak up and, uh, peek in the window there.
All right.
- [ Crackling ] - [ Groans ] [ Chuckles ] I never get tired of that.
[ Horn Honks ] [ Homer On Loudspeaker ] Attention, starstruck fools.
Step right up and see the world's greatest mobile collection of Alec and Ron and ''Kim-o-rabilia.
'' - [ Chattering ] - Only five- No wait.
Ten dollars.
- You heard right.
Twenty dollars.
- [ Lenny ] Homer, me first.
Come on, man.
[ Chattering ] [ Barney ] Oh! Hundred-year-old stuff.
Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's Medic Alert bracelet.
That's right, ''Mr.
Tough Guy'' can't handle a little penicillin.
Oh, and look at this.
We can't even pay our bills, and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola.
- Hey, hey.
Go easy on the celebrities, huh? - Yeah.
What gives you the right? - Leave 'em alone.
- We love celebrities.
Oh, yeah? What have they ever done for you? When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya.
Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger! Oh, look.
Wasn't that a fun weekend? Yeah.
Homer was a pretty good guy.
And we just tossed him out like a Golden Globe award.
I've got to admit, I miss the way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead.
- Forehead? - Oh, maybe I should have made his movie.
Yeah.
It wasn't that bad.
I mean, the script might even work if you got rid of the talking pie.
What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture.
Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours.
Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that.
No, no, no.
You can't lose the pie.
The pie is your heart.
Okay, okay.
Keep the damn pie.
The point is, we weren't fair to Homer.
He screwed up, but he deserves another chance.
Yeah.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I mean, we'd want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right? [ Birds Singing ] [ Ducks Quacking ] I'm really looking forward to seeing Homer again.
He always has the most interesting odors.
[ High-Pitched Voice ] Ooh, look at me.
I'm Kim Basinger, the big movie star.
I'm so beautiful.
I think I'm so great.
I'm too important to take Homer to the Oscars.
- What the- - [ Screams ] Got to go.
Thank you for supporting the Museum of Hollywood Jerks.
- Let's get him.
- And this time it's personal.
What? It is personal.
He's got our underpants.
[ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honking ] - I'll never outrun them in a museum.
- Pull over, you maniac.
- No! Just jump over there, Alec.
It's not that far.
Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy.
Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.
[ Imitates Chicken ] Fine.
- [ Grunts ] - [ Screams ] [ Laughing ] Hey, I made it.
All by myself.
Hey, were you watching, sweetheart? I made it! Ow! Aaah! My watch is caught.
Oh, for the love of- Hold on.
- Can you drive? - Not well, but I'll give it a shot.
- [ Grunts ] - [ Thump ] - Oh, God! - [ Tire Screeching ] [ Kim Screaming ] [ Both Screaming ] I guess it's up to me.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Both ] Ron! - You killed Ron Howard.
- Okay, I'll stop.
[ Gavel Banging ] - Mr.
Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself? - Yes, I do.
I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone.
If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.
In closing, you people must realize that the public owns you for life, and when you're dead you'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Mr.
Simpson, you are forbidden to come within 500 miles of any celebrity, living or dead.
[ All ] Whoo-hoo! Well, I'll always have my crank calls.
[ Beeping ] Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink! [ Giggles ] And it grows to a powerful, emotional climax when the father has to choose which one of his children will live and which one will die.
- Pass.
- [ Groans ] - What else you got? - Uh- Well, there is this one thing.
It's about a killer-robot driving instructor that travels back in time for some reason.
- I'm listening.
- Okay, okay.
Well, you see, this robot- He's got a heartbreaking decision to make about whether his best friend lives or dies.
- Eh.
- His best friend's a talking pie.
Sold! Howard, you've done it again.
##[ Man Singing ] ##[ Man Singing ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Ron Howard ] Homer, we're out of vodka.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  D'Oh-in' in the Wind
The Simpsons s10e06 Episode Script
D'Oh-in' in the Wind
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Screaming ] - [ Bird Squawks ] - [ Buzzer Buzzes ] Ah, lunchtime.
Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today.
One bouillon cube.
One Concord grape.
One Philly cheesesteak.
And a jar of garlic pickles.
[ Laughs ] No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers? Well, it's their loss, sir.
[ Laughs ] Yes.
[ Grunting, Sighs ] Allow me, sir.
[ Grunting, Sighs ] It's no use.
Shall I send out for some Chinese? No.
Those people are all gristle.
I want this jar open.
[ Grunting, Panting ] Worthless old geezers.
Phew.
Next! [ Spits ] All righty.
[ Stammering, Grunting ] [ Muttering, Shouting ] [ Sighs ] Oh, for goodness' sake.
What we need around here is some fresh blood.
Would you like me to drain Simpson while he's passed out, sir? No, no.
To attract the top grads we'll need to make a recruitment film a picture that showcases our cutting-edge technology.
- A talkie, sir? - [ Gasps ] Yes.
Brilliant.
That's just the kind of far-out gimmick we need.
##[ Fanfare ] And action! - Wow! What a graduation.
- I'll say.
But with college behind us, we'll need careers, and good ones.
What about chestnut roasting? People always need chestnuts.
Or begging.
I know a place that'll saw your legs off.
Slow down, fellas.
I've got a way we can keep our legs and still have a bright future.
- Now you're dreamin'.
- Oh, am I? ##[ Fanfare ] Of course! Nuclear power! - It's the job of tomorrow today! - Really? Well, that settles it.
For all those reasons and more let us choose an electrifying career in- - Line? - Nuclear power.
Nuclear power.
You dunderheaded stooges are the worst bunch of- [ Fanfare ] - Hey! - Pretty good, huh? Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie.
I didn't quite get the point of it.
Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off? Well, there were script problems from day one.
- Didn't seem like anyone even read the script.
- That was the problem.
The important thing is, after all these years of paying my dues I'm finally getting some decent parts.
You're joining the Screen Actors Guild? I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge.
It chose me.
I'm merely a vessel through which genius flows.
Now help me make up some phony credits.
- Fat Guy Number Three? - Good.
Good.
Hey, Dad, it says they need your full name.
You only put down your middle initial.
Hey, what the heck is your middle name anyway? You know, I have no idea.
Hey, Dad, what does the ''J'' stand for? How should I know? [ Grunting ] It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such.
I was mainly in it for the spankin'.
But I can't ask Mom.
She's on the run from the law.
Serves her right for bein' a '60s radical! Though she was a demon in the sack.
[ Shudders, Laughs ] So, Dad, regarding that form why not just make up a middle name? You might as well.
You already made up a phony film credit.
No.
Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form.
He never has, and he never will.
You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.
The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.
Hmm.
I know where we might find your missing moniker.
It's a bit of a drive, but on the way we can have a nice father-son chat.
Great.
I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.
[ Tires Screeching ] This is the hippie commune your mother ran off to when life with me became a living hell.
Wow.
Look at this place.
There's a pond for skinny dippin', a tire for skinny swingin; I can actually feel the good vibrations.
[ Bees Buzzing ] [ Slowly ] Ouch.
I remember them- Seth and Munchie.
Look at those filthy, lazy, flea-ridden- Oh, hi there! Hey, check it out.
Is that Abe Simpson? Geez, man.
We haven't seen you since Woodstock.
You went to Woodstock? Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken lovefest! [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Electric Guitar Playing ] Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na! Whoa! Mellow out, Abe.
Little Homer's trying to groove.
[ Vocalizing ] [ Vocalizing Hard Rock ] Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on and then pull 'em down! 'Cause it's time for a spankin'! Get a load of Captain Bring Down.
- Whoa! - Yeah, whoa! But I wanna play in the mud and be a hippie! Never! What you need's a good long hitch in Vietnam! There must be an enlistment tent around here somewhere.
If I'd have left it up to your mother you'd have ended up in a hellhole like this just lyin' around, never workin' without a care in your head full of long, luxurious hippie hair! ##[ Sitar Playing ] Oh, HomerJ.
, how do you keep your hair so rich and full? Lather, rinse and repeat.
Always repeat.
HomerJ.
, will you teach us to make love? Wow.
I could have lived like that? You know, Homer, your mom was a pretty groovy chick.
And a demon in the sack.
[ Chuckling ] Ah, you heard about that, eh? [ Chuckles ] He heard.
Anyway, I still think about her every time I walk by that mural she painted.
Oh! My mother painted that for me? Oh, my God! My middle name is right behind that shrub.
I'll finally know what ''J'' stands for.
From this moment forth, I will be known as Homer Jay Simpson! [ Sniffles ] It's so beautiful.
What a magical gift for my mother to leave me.
She also left her old poncho.
Get off of there, Ginsberg! [ Dog Yelps ] I'll treasure this poncho forever.
Mwah.
Uh, you might want to wash that.
The dog has a lot of skin and bladder problems.
All right.
We got what we came for.
Plus that stink rag to boot.
Now let's hit the road.
[ Grampa's Voice ]Just lyin'around never workin', without a care in- My head full of long, luxurious hippie hair! - I'll do it! - What? I'm gonna be a hippie, just like Mom wanted.
I'm gonna let my spirit soar and love all of God's creatures.
- Get up, you stupid dog! - [ Yelps, Growls ] Okay, if I'm gonna be a real hippie I have to learn from the master Mr.
Bob ''Flower Child'' Hope.
- Hey, peace, man.
Far out.
Groovy.
I'm a hippie.
- [ Audience Cheering ] Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jill St.
John.
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - ##[ Intro ] Hey, Bob, I just came to invite you to the love-in.
- [ Gurgles ] - I got you a date with the perfect flower child- Phyllis Diller.
- ##[ Drums ] - [ Audience Laughing ] Let's get it on.
[ Cackling ] Now I know how Dean Rusk feels.
Good night, everybody.
Bummer.
Love-in.
Dean Rusk.
By George, I've got it! - ## [ Humming ] - Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.
Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man.
It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.
- [ Belches ] - Homer, excuse yourself.
No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing.
- Not to mention hilarious.
- [ Fart Noise ] You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc.
And that poncho is filthy.
Let me dry-clean it for you.
Would you-Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you got too many hang-ups.
Like the whole shaving trip.
Come on! I want to see those legs all furry and gross.
- That ain't gonna happen, bub.
- Well, at least lose the bra.
Free the Springfield two, Marge! Free the Springfield two! I think you've had too much strawberry wine.
[ Humming ] [ Maude Screams ] Help.
! Oh, I've never seen anything like- My eyes have been soiled.
Come on, Maude! The human wang is a beautiful thing.
Homer, for God sakes, put your poncho on.
! Okay, okay! Narc.
[ Both Grunting ] - Ahhh! - Ohhh! - Heads up! - Hey, it's HomerJay! My man! You've gone granola! - Right on! -Join the hack.
[ Grunts ] Oh.
That was cool.
I think I'll stick around.
We've got everything we need right here.
Good times.
Sunshine.
Free love.
- [ Gurgles ] - [ Horn Blares ] Okay, time to get back to work.
Work? But you're hippies! - Oh, we were on a break.
- Time is money, man.
Huh? What is this place? We are the largest organic juice company in Springfield.
We grow our own vegetables and process them right here and we give half the profits to war orphans.
Profits, profits, profits! What kind of hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be spinning in his grave.
Hey, we're just trying to pay the bills, Homer.
I mean, we're still hippies at heart.
Oh, yeah? When's the last time you freaked out the establishment? You guys are total sell-outs! Wait! Don't you work for a nuclear power plant? Look.
We can sit here all day and play the blame game or we can start freaking people out! Come on! Where's your freak bus? - I drive a Saturn.
- A Saturn? We used to have a bus.
In a way, the '60s ended the day we sold it- December 31 , 1 969.
Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer but we've got a big order to fill.
Fine.
I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.
[ Sighs ] I suppose we could duck out for a couple hours.
Hey, we'll call it a business trip and write off the mileage.
Now your freak flag's flyin'! Let the freak-out begin! Whoo-hoo! ##['60s Rock ] Ohh.
- We're never gonna freak anybody out with this music.
- ##[ Stops ] I brought something from my personal stash that'll blow some minds.
##['80s Pop ] - ##[ Continues ] - Will you turn that down just a little? ##['60s Rock ] Hey, square! Expand your mind! The doors of perception are open for business! [ Chuckles ] Thanks for the tip, Homer.
##[ Ends ] Never fear! The cosmic fool is here to blow the lid off your conformist, button-down world! - [ Laughing ] - Weirdos.
Hi, Marge.
We're freaking out squares.
- Oh, Lord.
- What's in your brand-new bag, mama? It's that pair of Dockers you wanted.
with the balloon seat, right? - [ Laughing ] - Marge! Not in front of the hippies.
- ##[ Kazoo ] - Uh-oh.
- I don't like the sound of that.
- ## [ Continues ] Oh, please, God, don't let them come in here.
- [ All Gasping ] - Hear ye! Hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed! [ Children Cheering ] Whoo-hoo! Hmm.
Fifteen years of loyal service, and this is how they tell me? Ajester with an invisible proclamation.
##['80s Pop ] That was fun.
I don't know if we actually freaked anyone out, but- - No, no, no.
Marge was definitely freaked out.
- Thanks, Homer.
It was nice to reconnect with our hippie roots, if only for a- What the hell! - Oh, no! - Oh, man! [ Munchie Groaning ] Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer.
Our entire shipment is ruined! Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh? The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders! I'm sensing some negative vibes here.
But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother.
There won't be any more freak-outs.
You're not a hippie, and you never were.
- Yes, but-but the poncho- - Please, Homer just leave us alone.
Hmm.
How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho! [ Mimicking ] ''Bu-Bu-But the poncho.
'' Hit the road, square.
[ Grunts ] Uh-oh.
[ Seth Shouting ] Oh, for cryin'out loud.
! Stunned league officials say point shaving may have occurred in as many as three Harlem Globetrotters games.
And in business news, Groovy Grove Juice Corporation has announced it will miss delivery on its third-quarter shipment.
A spokesman attributed the production shutdown to a half-witted oaf.
Ah, it was sweet of those guys to blame an oaf but really it was my fault.
I just don't have the discipline to be a hippie.
Oh, does this mean you're going to start showering again? Perhaps, in time.
Ah, cheer up, Dad.
You make a great hippie.
Ah, you're just saying that.
No, really.
You're lazy and self-righteous.
And the soles of your feet are jet-black.
Well, I do walk through pretty much anything.
Oh, you kids are sweet.
I know you feel bad about the juice incident but I'm sure you can make up for it somehow.
That's it! Somehow! Sleep, gentle hippies.
Sleep.
Let old HomerJay set things right.
##['60s Rock ] ##[ Continues ] Huh? - [ Gopher Squealing ] - [ Screaming ] ##[ Continues ] [ Screaming ] ##[ Song Ends ] Good morning, starshine, Seth.
[ Both Gasp ] - What's going on? - What happened to our crops? I picked 'em,juiced 'em and delivered 'em to every store in town.
Your business is saved.
But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.
[ Laughs ] That's what I thought at first.
But then I found the other garden behind the barn the one with the camouflage netting.
- Uh-oh.
- Homer those were our personal vegetables.
Well, now the whole town can benefit from their nutrients.
##[ Psychedelic Rock ] [ Sighs ] Fergie! Willie, you complete me.
- ##[ Continues ] - Saints be praised! Oh, closer.
I've always dreamed of this moment.
[ Moaning ] [ Gulping ] - [ Screams ] - [ Growling ] [ Screams ] [ Growling Continues ] Oh! Thanks, Pinky! You've always been there for me.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Bears Giggling ] Mornin', Ned.
- Pucker up, Ned.
- [ Screams ] ##[ Continues ] [ Both Laughing ] [ Both Laughing ] - We are so old.
- Yeah.
[ Laughing ] Lou! Lou! Are you all right? The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana.
I see.
My God! It's nothin' but carrots and peyote.
Damn longhairs never learn, Chief.
Yeah, it's time for an old-fashioned hippie ass-whomping.
[ Sirens Wailing ] Attention, hippies! Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.
Officer, please.
We can explain.
Not so fast, pig! We're making a stand! A freaky stand! You can smash this drug barn all you want but first you'll have to smash our heads open like ripe melons! This man does not represent us.
All right, boys, set your nightsticks on whomp.
Uh, mine's stuck on twirl.
Oh, for the love of- There.
Now let's crack some skulls.
Seth, Munchie, they can destroy our bodies and our ponchos but they can never silence our song of protest.
[ Singing '80s Pop ] - Come on, guys.
- Forget the clubs.
Just shoot 'em.
- [ Rifles Cocking ] - Look at yourselves.
Pointing guns at your fellow man.
Hatred is a cage that keeps us from soaring free.
Yes, the '60s may be dead and gone and its spirit long since extinguished but its ideals live on.
Freedom, love and peace.
D'oh.
! [ Bell Chimes ] - Doctor, will he be all right? - Yes.
He was lucky.
If that had been a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.
- Why don't you just pull it out? - [ Laughing ] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Can't you just prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV? What did I just say? ##[ Sitar ] ##[ Homer Singing '80s Pop ] ##[ Ends ] I buried Flanders.
##[ Ends ] I buried Flanders.
Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Lisa Gets an 'A'
The Simpsons s10e07 Episode Script
Lisa Gets an 'A'
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Air Blowing ] And may we burn in painful and foul-smelling fire forever and ever.
A Men-nonite minister will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday.
Go in peace.
- A- [ Coughing ] - Don't make me come up there.
- men.
- Whoo-hoo.
! [ Moe ] Let me outta here.
The guy never stops talking.
- [ Stomach Grumbling ] - Oh! I'm starving.
Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get Communion wafers and booze? No.
No one's going Catholic.
Three children is enough, thank you.
Hang in there, Son.
I'm taking us out for our traditional Sunday brunch.
- [ Driver] Idiot! - He zinged you, Marge.
- [ Giggling ] - [ Gasps ] - Brunch is served.
- [ Gulping, Chomping ] I feel guilty coming here every Sunday and never actually buying anything.
Why? We're following the rules.
[ Chomping ] If it has a toothpick in it, it's free.
Hey! [ Gargling ] Ah.
This is my kind of aisle.
Soy substitute.
''Whizless'' cheese.
[ Gasps ] Oven-roasted cud.
It's packed in its own drool.
Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal.
Oh.
How about Alfalfa-Bits? Those suck! I hate this store! - But, sweetheart, Mommy- - I hate you too! I wanna live with one of my dads.
Mmm! So, you say this product is known as ''fudge''? Yes.
Just like it was last week.
If you're gonna get snippy, I'll take my business elsewhere.
''Jerry Garcia''? [ Groans ] ''Honey Bono''? ''Desmond Tutti-frutti''? Eh! Lisa, help Daddy find some normal flavors.
[ Strains ] ''Candy Warhol.
'' ''Xavier Nougat.
'' Naw.
Nothin' made of dead guys.
What's in the back? [ Grunts ] [ Yelps, Shivering ] Hurry up.
My hands are getting cold.
- Ah-choo! - Oh, my goodness! - Homer, get her out of there.
- Aw! [ Teeth Chattering ] [ Groans ] ''Sherbert Hoover''? We've gotta get you home to a warm blanket and a cold compress.
Ooh.
[Jabbering ] [ Clears Throat ] Those are eight dollars a pound, sport.
Eight dollars a pound times, say, oh, five pounds is, um- Let's see.
How many pounds in a gallon? Oh, I can't afford that.
[ Gasps ] Unless- Ah-choo! [ Chuckling ] I told you.
I'm a financial genius.
I buy an eight-dollar lobster fatten it into an 80-dollar lobster and eat the profits.
Lobsters need saltwater.
I'm way ahead of you.
[ Murmurs ] - [ Bart ] Dad, the fish.
! - Son, I'm still fine-tuning.
Uh, uh- Uh-oh.
Uh.
Uh.
Perfect.
- Ah-choo! - Oh, you don't sound so good.
- We'd better get you some cold medicine.
- No problem.
- I picked some up at the store.
- [ Sighs ] Oh, Homie.
You made breakfast.
Nothin's too good for my one and only.
Eat! Eat! You're nothing but skin and bones.
Ah-choo! [ Groans ] - [ Blows Nose ] - How are you feeling, sweetie? Much better.
Ah-choo! Oh, my.
You're burning up.
I'm going to tell the school you're staying home.
I'm afraid I can't allow that.
- Lisa! - Mom! No, wait.
We can make a deal.
You don't have anything I want.
Oh.
[ Man Narrating ] The ocean abounds with fearsome creatures but none attacks its prey with more fury than the seaweed shark.
The struggle is soon over.
Oh, you shouldn't be watching The Learning Channel.
- You need to take it easy.
- But I'm hardly learning at all.
Why don't you play with one of Bart's video games instead? Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze.
[ Game Soundtrack ] - [ Sighs ] - [ Chortling ] [ Aussie Accent ] Foolish dingo.
You must find and devour the seven crystal babies or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo! I am so scared.
All right.
I guess you're supposed to go through this stupid door.
Hmm.
I wonder what's in this glowing barrel.
- [ Shrieking ] - What? Nunchakus? Those aren't even Australian.
[ Funeral March ] Oh, great.
So I'm dead now.
Fine.
I'm sick of this stupid game anyway.
Yes.
! I am just four power wands away from an antigravity lozenge.
Hope I don't run into that weird little troll.
- Hi, Lisa.
- No! Pause! Pause! I brought your homework.
We have to read this.
''The Wind in the Willows''? It's about a toad and a badger and a mole.
I drawed on mine.
[ Chuckles ] - Is this my house? - No.
You live in a different house.
Choo, choo, choo, choo! Woo-wooo! And I shall rule the ''down under-verse!'' [ Chortling ] We'll see about that, mate.
Okay.
Together, we weigh 300 pounds.
According to my driver's license, I weigh 1 40 pounds.
That means that you weigh, oh- Oh! You're doin' great.
No, no.
Yes, that's it! Bite! Bite! Bite! [ Knocking ] Lisa? - [ Snoring ] - Oh, sweetie, you look so much better.
- Ready to go back to school? - [ Weakly ] Oh, I don't know.
[ Coughs ] I mean, I could risk it, but- No, no.
You just stay put.
Wow.
You didn't even feel her forehead.
How do I get that kind of credibility? - With eight years of scrupulous honesty.
- Eh.
It's not worth it.
Oh, I really need one more day, Mom.
I think the germs are regrouping.
Now, for breakfast, I'll have hash browns, coffee and a short stack.
And would it kill you to heat up the syrup? [ Tires Screech ] But I- I might infect the other kids.
That's a risk I'm willing to take.
So long! Welcome back, Lisa.
I trust you got the homework I assigned.
The Wind in the Willows? Oh, yeah.
Ralph brought it over.
Perfect.
Then I won't need to excuse you from the test.
[ Gulp ] Test? [ Aussie Accent ] Game over, mate.
[ Sighs ] Okay, all right.
You can bluff your way through one test.
Mr.
Toad has a red blank.
Okay.
Skip that one.
Mr.
blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank.
Oh, I am in deep blank.
- And the lowest grade in the class- - She's gonna say my name! - Lisa Simpson- zero.
- [ Gasps ] Lisa, the president of Harvard would like a word with you.
Nasty business that zero.
Naturally, Harvard's doors are now closed to you.
But I'll pass your file along to- [ Snickers ] Brown.
Mmm.
Heck of a school.
Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep.
Almost got tenure too.
[ Gasps ] No! Not Brown! [ Echoing ] Brown.
Brown.
Brown.
Lisa, you're saying ''Brown'' an awful lot.
Are you okay? Well, actually, I do feel a little feverish.
Aw, don't worry about the test.
Just get yourself a nice drink of water.
Then come back and finish the test.
[ Gasps ] I need a miracle.
Come on.
You owe me.
- 'Sup, Sis? - Bart, shouldn't you be in class? I am.
It's a little something I whipped up in shop.
Mostly latex.
- What are you doin' out here? - We've got a test, and I didn't read the book.
I'll get a zero for sure.
Bart, what do I do? - Well, if it was me, I'd just take the zero.
- [ Growls ] Uh, but that's not for everyone.
There's one other possibility.
Hey! I can't go in there.
Relax.
There's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.
[ Nelson ] Hang on.
I'll buzz you in.
Buzz.
! - Teacher and subject.
- Miss Hoover.
Wind in the Willows.
[ Humming ] Oh.
Here we go.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! These are the answers to the test.
- I don't wanna cheat.
- Hey, hey.
These are study aids.
They're for novelty purposes only.
If a few bad apples use 'em for cheating, I can't be held responsible.
Forget it.
I'd rather get a zero.
Good for you, lass.
I got me a zero once, and my life turned out just fine.
Ach! Whoa-ho! That's a nasty clog.
Ooh, you've got yourself a partner, have ya? - Yah! - Keep the change.
Come here, you slippery rascals.
Good news, my delicious friend.
You're going to be a free-range lobster.
Come on, boy.
Dig in.
They'll give you a big, strong thorax.
Wh-Whoa! - Why, you little- - [ Whimpers ] Oh, look at him cower.
Just like the boy.
I can't stay mad at such a helpless little mammal.
[ Giggles ] I'm gonna get you for that, you little scamp.
Here! Yeh! Take that, Pinchy.
[ Giggling ] I graded this morning's test over lunch and most of you did quite well.
I got a ''B.
'' No, Ralph.
That's an ''F.
'' I must have spilled some Kahlua.
Perfect, Lisa.
And you got all the extra-credit questions even the one that got cut off by the copy machine.
Well, I guess I was just on a roll.
[ Whimpers ] Don't be so modest, Lisa.
You earned that A-plus-plus-plus.
Actually there are four pluses.
No.
That's Drambuie.
Mmm! Oh, so plump andjuicy.
Mmm! He's gonna boil up nicely.
[ Slurps ] Well, I guess this is it, old pal.
This is your big day.
- Water's boiling.
Quick.
Chuck him in.
- Uh- - Come on.
Chuck him in.
- Okay.
Let's go.
In the pot.
In the pot.
- [ Murmurs ] - [ Cooing ] - But, Marge, look at this little guy.
- [ Gasps ] [ Growling, Hissing ] Looks like an ordinary- Ow! Son of a- Feel that, Marge? He likes you.
And now for the main course- steamed Maine cabbages! [ Clears Throat ] Pardon me for asking but where the hell's my stupid lobster? We're not eating Mr.
Pinchy.
He's part of the family now.
[ Grunts ] Pinchy, I made you some risotto.
- What? You gotta be kidding me! - Dad! What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster.
No, but I enjoy the smell.
Lobster or no lobster, this is still a very special dinner.
Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da! Lisa broke her own record by two whole pluses.
Mom! Where did you get that? It just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging.
By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary.
Aren't you proud of your big sister, Mr.
Pinchy? Hmm? Hmm? Oh! I am sick of everyone being so proud of me! That's my girl.
[ Bart ] Cheer up, Lise.
You got a good grade without even reading the book.
That's win-win.
Can't you see the difference between earning something honestly and getting it by fraud? Hmm.
I suppose, maybe, if, uh- No.
No, sorry.
I thought I had it there for a sec.
[ Bell Rings ] Psst.
Lisa, check it out.
Tomorrow's fraction quiz.
I'll give you the numerators free but the denominators are gonna cost ya.
I don't want your dirty denominators.
Well, la-di-da, Lady ''Cheaterly.
'' - Can I at least keep you in my Rolodex? - No.
I never cheated before, and I never will again.
Oh, I almost wish I hadn't gotten away with it.
[ Skinner On P.
A.
] Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office to discuss the results of yesterday's test.
We never met.
I'vejust received some rather unusual news regarding your unprecedented A-triple-plus.
To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened- N-No.
Not ''saddened.
'' What's the word? - Ah, yes.
''Delighted.
'' - What? I'm delighted to report that your grade brought the entire school's G.
P.
A.
up to our state's minimum standard.
We now qualify for a basic assistance grant.
It's the greatest honor the school has ever received and it's all thanks to you.
Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who- Stop it! I cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Lisa, what are you trying to say? - I cheated! - [ Gasps ] [ Skinner ] You cheated? Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.
Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me? She doesn't know.
You're the only one I've told.
Well, then, one could make the argument that there really is no problem.
- But what I did was wrong.
- Oh, very much so.
But as long as we handle this in a mature and, above all, quiet manner we'll still get that grant money.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, you really scared me there.
But we can't accept that money.
It's tainted.
Now, now.
Leave the money out of this.
It's not the money's fault you cheated.
Besides, I've already started spending it.
Check out the new scoreboard.
- ## [ Fanfare ] - [ Crowd ] Charge! [ Chuckling ] I'm still learning all the buttons.
Well, if you're gonna cover this up - I'll just have to go over your head to Super- - [ Loud Buzzer ] - intendant- - [ Loud Buzzer] - Chalmers! - [ Incoming Whistle ] [ Loud Explosion ] Skinner! I am outraged that you've kept this from me.
You were supposed to call as soon as the new scoreboard was in.
Tell me, does it play that song ''Charge''? - Oh, does it ever.
- You can't keep this scoreboard.
Because there's not gonna be any grant money.
Because I cheated! Lisa, let's take a walk.
A little traveling music, Seymour.
[ ''Charge'' Stomp ] - Uh! Good Lord, what a dump.
- [ Dog Barking ] - [ Cat Screeching ] It's not surprising.
This school was once classified the most dilapidated in all of Missouri.
- [ Together] Hmm? Huh? - That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick.
Look around, Lisa.
That grant money could do a lot of good.
Don't you think those youngsters deserve a regulation tetherball? - Ow! - Ohh! We can buy real periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer.
Who can tell me the atomic weight of''balonium?'' - Ooh.
''Dee-licious''? - Correct.
I would also accept ''snack-tacular.
'' And for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.
[ Typing Slowly ] Hi, Lisa.
Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.
- [ Beeps ] - [ Meow ] I'm ''learnding.
'' Aw, way to go, Ralph.
Oh, she's a beaut.
You can't beat a Coleco.
How many can I put you down for? A lot? Please say a lot.
I need this.
I don't know.
I'm not even sure we can keep this one.
- It's up to Lisa.
- What do you say, Lisa? Will you keep our little secret for the good of your classmates and your school? And let's not forget old Gil, huh? The wolf's at old Gil's door.
Oh, I guess I don't have much choice.
Oh, thank God! Now let's talk rustproofing.
These Colecos will rust up on you like that.
Shut up, Gil.
Close the deal.
Close the deal.
Relax, boy.
We're not gonna cook you.
Enjoy your day at the beach.
Ooh! Look, here's a little playmate for you.
[ Yelps, Whimpering ] Hey, you don't have to take that from no punk-ass crab.
- What's wrong with you? - Arr! It's not his fault he's a sissy.
Someone's been coddling him.
Don't look at me.
I wanted to eat him.
Sorry.
It's usually the mother.
You know, I run a small academy for lobsters like this one.
We stress tough love- daily chores and the like.
No.
We're not sending the lobster away to some snobby boarding school.
Arr.
I understand.
It's hard to let go.
Uh, tell me this then.
Do you have any spare change? And now to present the grant money a legendary figure in educational disbursement- State Comptroller Atkins.
- [ Applauding ] - Whoo! [ Flashbulbs Popping ] Thank you.
I'm here tonight to honor the girl whose unprecedented test score has set a new standard in excellence.
- Lisa.
- [ Applause, Cheering ] Thank you.
I know this giant check is very important to everyone here but what's even more important is the truth.
- What? - Huh? - [ Murmuring ] Because, after all, education is the search for truth.
No.
No, it isn't.
Don't listen to her.
She's out of her mind.
And the truth is we don't deserve this grant and I don't deserve your applause.
- I cheated on that test.
- [ Gasping, Booing ] Wait! How dare you condemn this girl? Who among you can honestly say you've never cheated? - On your wives or your husbands.
- [ All Murmuring ] What she just did took courage.
And where I come from- Canada- we reward courage.
So I hereby decree that you keep the grant and let's give this brave girl the ovation she deserves.
[ Applauding, Cheering ] Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
You got the highest grade in the class.
- But, Mom- - The highest grade.
Okay.
Lisa's gone.
Places, people.
[ Straining ] Man! Acting is tough.
I'll be in my trailer.
Oh, good old predictable Lisa.
I knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb.
Heads up! Here comes the real comptroller.
This grant ensures a lightbulb in every classroom and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge.
- [ Flashbulbs Popping ] - [ Applause, Cheering ] Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible? - Where's Lisa Simpson? - [ Microphone Feedback ] - [ Scattered Applause ] - Come on up here, Lisa.
Well, how about that? Smart and modest.
Well, I should be going now.
These giant checks don't hand themselves out.
Okay, people, let's have a round of applause for the real comptroller.
- [ Applause, Cheering ] - Hmm? - Idiot.
I know a liquor store where we can cash this right now.
[ Cheering ] And so.
That's one grade I truly earned.
[ Groans ] Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor? Sorry, Marge.
Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds.
But don't worry.
I put him in a nice hot bath.
[ Sniffs ] Hey, what smells so good? Yeah- Pinchy? Pinchy? Oh! Pinchy! [ Whimpering ] [ Homer Sobbing ] [ Sobbing Continues ] Oh, man, that's good.
[ Sobbing ] Oh, pass the butter.
[ Sobbing ] - [ Chomping, Swallows ] - Are you gonna eat that all by yourself? [ Whimpering ] Uh-huh.
Pinchy would've wanted it this way.
My dear, sweet Pinchy.
No more pain where you are now, boy.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Cracking ] [ Slurps ] Oh, God! That's tasty.
I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.
[ Sobbing ] [ Chomping ] [ Whimpering ] Oh, Pinchy.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble'
The Simpsons s10e08 Episode Script
Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble'
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Frogs Croaking ] This ghost town is gonna be great! ''Now with 30% more gunfights.
'' And 40% more rootin'-tootin'.
And the tumbleweeds tumble at 2:00, 4:00 and 6:00 plus a midnight tumbling on weekends.
It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie.
Come on, kids.
Three cheers for your father.
- Hip, hip- - Mom, don't.
- Hip, hip- - We heard you the first time.
- Hip, hip- - Hey, I'm trying to drive here.
- Hey, Dad, that light says ''check engine.
'' - [ Beeping ] Uh-oh.
Tape must've fallen off.
There.
Problem solved.
- [ Engine Backfires ] - [ Lisa ] Oh, come on! Relax.
She just needs a little lovin'.
- [ Engine Cranking ] - [ Gasps ] Ah, they remembered my birthday.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Start, damn you! Start! [ Singing ] [ Screaming ] [ Gasps ] Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? That's why everybody does everything.
[ Tires Screeching ] This should be very educational.
I want you kids to pay attention.
Founded by prostitutes in 1 849 and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St.
Joe in three days Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Three minutes! [ Whistles ] I never realized history was so filthy.
First on our tour is the whorehouse.
Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello and finally the old mission.
- Oh, thank heaven! - Lots of prostitutes in there.
But there was more to the Old West than just sex, folks.
A lot more.
If you look off to your left you'll see a real Old West hitchin' post possibly used by bandits, possibly during some exciting adventure.
And these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk by people who may or may not have been bandits.
[ Camera Shutters Clicking ] That's a keeper.
- Uh, yes, sir? - Do we have to listen to you? Well, no, you don't.
But if you have any interest in history- - I'm done.
- [ Marge Mutters ] ##[ Ragtime Piano ] [ Bart ] Wow.
! Have you ever seen so many robot cowboys? [ Screaming ] Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.
And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam defending this country for lazy jerks like you.
Now what'll you have, partner? Let's see.
One, two, three- Six whiskeys.
- All right! - We only serve sarsaparilla, mac.
No alcohol.
- [ Groans ] - You can get drunk when we get home.
Duh.
[ Robot Voice ] Hey, these cards are marked.
Now look what you've done.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
Let's forget this whole thing happened.
What the heck is this? A tea party? Somebody kill somebody! [ Grunts ] - [ Screams ] - What is it with you and robots? - [ Grunts ] - ## [ Ragtime Piano ] - Whoa! - ##[ Ragtime Piano Continues ] Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks! [ Grunts ] - Look who's a little cowgirl.
- [ Gurgling ] Hey, Mom, look what I got! Oh, that's cute.
! [ Laughs ] Did you get it in the souvenir shop? No, that security guard is handing 'em out.
[ Groans ] Uh-oh.
Better run for cover, partners.
Some varmints are havin' a shootout.
Yee-haw! - You stole my prostitute! - Missed me! - Die, yellow belly! - [ Grunts ] Bang-bang! Uh, which way's the gunfight? - [ All Laughing ] - There's Old Curly.
He played the town preacher until we laid him off.
But he still hangs around.
Help me, please.
I'm sick.
- [ Laughing ] - Homer! But it's funny, Marge.
The guy's sick.
[ Groans, Gurgling ] Uh, shouldn't we help him? He knows what he's doing.
##[ Piano Playing ] Ahh.
Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield.
It ''angries'' up the blood.
- You like it, huh? - Up yours! [ Truck Horn Honking ] Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? We gotta get home.
I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio.
Tonight it's F.
Murray Abraham.
- But I really need to- - F.
Murray Abraham! - ## [ Homer Whistling ] - [ Grampa Groaning ] There's a rest area.
Pull over.
Can't stop now.
We're making great time.
[ Grampa Muttering ] Can I go behind a tree? What are you? An animal? [ Homer] Whoever keeps saying ''please stop'' back there better quit it! - [ Grampa Groans ] - [ Homer] Wow.
Get a load of that toilet.
Please go back! You can make it my birthday present.
We're almost home, Dad.
Only a couple more times over the horizon.
But I might explode! - You just sit back and relax.
- [ Whimpering ] I'm not gonna let anything happen to my old dad.
Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded.
- There's nothing left.
- Oh, no! Yeah, that's what happens when you get older.
It's one of those natural things.
Beautiful in its way.
Uh, actually his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup.
Excuse me, Doctor.
I think I know a little something about medicine.
Homer, with all due respect, this X-ray reveals a textbook kidney blowout.
Which would explain those loud pops you heard.
So you're saying I don't need a new muffler? I don't feel so good.
Maybe I oughta eat something.
Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.
[ Laughing ] [ Laughing, Groans ] How long do I have to live, Doc? [ Laughs ] I'm amazed you're alive now.
Oh, I blame myself for this.
We all blame you.
Come on, Doc.
There's gotta be something I can do to help my dad.
- Well, you could give him a kidney.
- A kidney? Okay, fine.
You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long, and- I said fine.
What is it about the word ''sure'' you don't understand? Oh, thank you, Son.
Hmm, I'll take the left one.
It's good and springy.
Though the right one's not without its charms.
Pork chops, sloppy joes, hot dogs and pork chops! Well, Dr.
Hibbert said you have to build up your strength.
Besides, nothing's too good for a wonderful, generous man like you.
- Well, that's what I always thought, but somehow- - Check it out, Dad.
I rented all your favorite gorilla movies.
Gorilla Squadron, Gorilla Island VI.
[ Gasps ] Apes-A-Poppin;! Whoo, the airline version.
- Can I fluff your pillow? - Nothing's too good for me.
Ahh, I'm the luckiest man in the world now that Lou Gehrig's dead.
Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer.
You're really brave to go through with this operation.
It's not an operation, Moe.
The doctor says it's just a procedure.
No, no, no.
Makin' polenta- that's a procedure.
You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery here.
Really? Do you think it's dangerous? Oh, yeah.
Even if you survive the operation- Procedure! Deadly procedure! Whatever.
The point is, with only one kidney you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.
Now you're just tryin' to scare me.
Plus they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists.
Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you.
- But I don't want that.
- Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here.
Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die.
They look pretty comfortable.
- Yeah, I guess.
- And are those your original lips? Well, actually, I- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [ Grunts ] Oh, yeah.
That would look so good on me.
Marge, I've been thinking.
What if instead of donating one of my old, worn-out kidneys I gave Grampa that artificial kidney I invented? Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.
Oh, but I don't want them cutting up my soft, supple body.
Why didn't somebody tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine.
I know you're scared, Homie.
But remember why you're doing this.
It's for your father.
The man who raised you and nurtured you.
''Jack and Jill went up the hill and- Jill came tumbling after.
'' The end.
Good night.
Is that the sameJack from ''Jack and the Beanstalk''? - You know, Son, I believe it is.
- And Jack Sprat? - Is that him too? - Sure.
Why not? Good night.
Is he the same as ''Jack be nimble'' and Jack Frost and LittleJack Horner? Say, how about a little NyQuil? [ Gulps ] All gone.
- [ Snoring ] - Ah, I love you, Son.
I owe Dad so much.
Those bedtime stories began my lifelong love affair with the printed word.
Well, giving him a kidney is a wonderful way to show him how you feel.
You're right, Marge.
I'll do it.
But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? - Oh, anything, sweetheart.
- Blow up the hospital.
Hmm.
Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.
That's my girl.
[ Groans ] [ Woman On P.
A.
] Doc Martens to Podiatry.
- ''Liability waiver''? - Don't read it.
Just sign it.
Yeah, but all these skulls and crossbones on here.
I don't usually sign stuff like that.
It simply says you won't hold us responsible if you die as a result of gross negligence.
It's a standard form.
[ Groans ] [ Machines Beeping ] I love you, Son.
I love you, Dad.
Now don't you fellas worry.
This'll all be over soon.
And-What the- We gotta get rid of that window.
- Where'd he go? - [ Grunting ] I can't imagine Dad running away like this.
Leaving his father to die? Even I wouldn't do that.
And I'm America's bad boy.
It's a heartbreaking situation.
[ Chuckles Slowly ] - Am I dead yet? - No.
- How about now? - No! - Now? - I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
- Thank you.
- [ Grunting ] Phew.
I'm not worthy to live among civilized people.
[ Men Coughing, Murmuring ] Even those guys look too civilized for me.
[ Seagull Squawking ] [ Gasps ] I can live at sea! The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains.
I hate them so much.
[ Wind Gusting ] - [ Men Groaning ] - The sea won't stand for this.
Excuse me.
I'm fleeing in shame, and I'd like to look my best.
Um, can I be a mate on your ship? Preferably first mate.
Well, if you look closely, you'll see this is a taffy shop shaped like a ship.
Oh, I like taffy, but I don't deserve taffy.
##[ Ukulele ] - Hey, hey! - What's that? Krusty here to cheer you up as part of the hospital's Last Laugh program.
Last laugh? So, how about that hospital food, huh? I wouldn't know.
I'm not allowed to eat.
Okay.
Well, let's have a look at the old chart.
Oh, boy! Ooh, looks like we're both short on time.
So I'll go to the big finish.
[ Singing ] [ Ends ] Feel better.
Come back, Doctor.
[ Horn Blowing ] A tramp steamer! That's perfect! [ Grunting ] [ Groans ] I'd like to apply for a job.
Any job.
If you don't have a captain, I could be that.
Arr! What other ships have you been on? I've been on that one.
The taffy shop.
Good enough.
[ Both Grunting ] Welcome aboard the ship of lost souls.
The name on the back says Honeybunch.
Yarr, I've been meaning to paint over that.
Now come and meet the rest of the damned.
Did I mention they're lost souls? - Well, actually you did.
- Yarr, yarr.
[ Ship Creaking ] [ French Accent ] Ah, another lost soul has joined our world-weary ensemble.
- Hey, who are you guys? - [ Laughing ] Who are we? No one.
Where are we sailing? Nowhere.
Do we even exist? Who knows? Hey, let me off this thing.
[ English Accent ] Oh, don't listen to him.
We exist all right.
We wander the seven seas trying to forget.
- Forget what? - Oh, boy.
Here we go.
My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet.
If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go.
I don't want you walking around during my story.
My story's better.
It has tigers.
- ## [ Concertina ] - I was born into wretched poverty.
So one day I stole a loaf of bread put it in the freezer until it was very hard, then robbed a bank with it.
[ Gasps ] And when Mr.
Dinkley saw what I had done I was banned from the car wash forever.
Forever? How awful! I would have killed Dinkley for that.
As you can see, we're a contemptible lot of cads, bounders and tiger stabbers.
Come, stranger.
Join our circle of infamy.
Tell us your story of ennui.
Well, back on land my name was Homer Simpson.
And I guess it is here too.
I promised my dad one of my kidneys but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed.
- Good Lord! - Oh, how could you! - I think I'm going to be sick.
- I stole this accordion from a blind monkey.
But you! [ Spits ] You disgust even me! - Well, yeah, I know- - [ Grunting ] [ Screams ] - [ Horn Blowing ] - That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth.
[ Coughing ] Even the sea won't forgive me.
That's the best sand castle we've ever built, Dad! We make a great team, Son.
Oh, I wish I had that kind of relationship with my father.
[ Sniffs ] Or my kids.
Well, I guess it's up to me to take the first step.
- [ Crying ] - Hey! [ Woman On P.
A.
] Dr.
Bombay, come right away.
All right.
This is it.
No more living in shame.
I'm going to show my family the kind of man I really am.
[ Whimpering ] All right.
I'm gonna- [ Whimpering ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Machine Beeping ] Aren't you going to give him the last rites? That's Catholic, Marge.
You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.
Dr.
Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grampa.
Larry Hagman took it.
He's got five of them now.
And three hearts.
We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.
Don't worry about old Grampa.
I'm going to a better place.
- Shelbyville Hospital! - [ Alarm Beeping ] Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a goner.
[ Homer ] No,you're not, Dad.
- Homer! - Dad! - Son! - I'm sorry, Dad.
The way I behaved was shameful.
I guess fear made me run away.
But love made me come back.
Bless you, Son.
I knew you'd come through for me.
Now, Homer, this may sting just a tiny bit, but- - Oh, son of a- - [ Panting, Whimpering ] Oh, dear.
[ Screaming ] Phew! Boy, that- Ow! - [ Homer Groaning ] - He's waking up! Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right.
[ Groaning ] Try not to move, Dad.
You swallowed a lot of motor oil.
I'm sorry I ran off again.
Oh, I guess Dad must be dead by now.
When I get better and after I've built those shelves for the kitchen, we'll visit his grave.
Grave nothin;! I never felt more alive.
! - [ Laughs ] - [ Bones Cracking ] Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.
It's a miracle! You recovered! [ Nervous Laughing ] What? What? Hey! While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.
You butchers! Give it back! Give me that- [ Laughing ] Na-na-na-na-na-na! Don't you dance out that door, you- I'll get my kidney back, old man! You have to sleep sometime.
I know you're a little peeved at Grampa, Dad, but you've done a wonderful thing.
Yes.
You've shortened your life significantly so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Give me a hug.
Ah, I don't need two kidneys.
I have everything I need right here.
Hmm.
[ Laughing ] Dad, you're tickling me.
Yes, tickling.
Hmm? - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Mayored to the Mob
The Simpsons s10e09 Episode Script
Mayored to the Mob
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Man Announcing ] And now, the conclusion of our Thousand Dollar Movie Roger Corman's Titanic.
- [ Screeching ] - [ Loud Crash ] [ Man Screaming ] We're safe now, Clarice.
We made it away from that cursed ship.
Now I can relax and take off this stifling bikini.
- [ Struggling ] - Mmm.
Look out! Behind you! [ Announcer] We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages.
Well, I'd rather get a message than see another lousy commercial.
People of Earth, we have traveled all the way from space to attend the most ''astrotastic'' event in the entire universe.
[ Chuckles ] You said it, Phil.
It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention.
[ Phil ] That's right.
It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.
Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf and many more.
[ Alien #2 ] Plus tag team robot wrestling.
It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots of Star Wars.
[ Grunts, Moans ] Stop! Please, save me, R2.
- [ Chirping ] - Oh,you stupid little tramp.
You're so boring.
I hate you! Ow, ow, ow! Remember, it's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.
Be there and be square.
- Well, beats work.
- Yeah, beats school.
[ Chattering ] - Sorry, we're all full.
- [ Roaring ] Are you sure this is a sci-fi convention? It's full of nerds.
- Hi, Lisa.
- Hey, Lisa.
- Guten Tag.
[ Weakly ] Hi.
People! People! This man has actually been in outer space.
- Ha! Nobody cares.
- This is one small step towards firing your ass! Hey, wait.
I saw that Lost In Space movie.
You are not Dr.
Smith.
Oh, the pain, the pain.
The pain of it all.
[ Chortling ] You have still got it, Dr.
Smith.
Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit! My dear boy, I'd be happy to show you my resume if you'd care to meet me later in the food court.
Danger, danger, Bart Simpson.
Someone has mixed an Amazing Spider-Man in with the Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man series.
- This will not stand.
- Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer for this stack of water-damaged Little Lulus.
[ Sighs ] ''A,'' that is not water.
It is diet Mr.
Pibb.
And ''B,'' I- ooh.
[ Moans ] Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents? - Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you're on.
- Don't try to change me, baby.
Welcome, futurists, cyberphiles and the rest of you dateless wonders.
[ Cheering ] And now to push this convention into hyperspace the man who put the ''star'' in Star Wars, a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill! [ Cheering ] - [ Cheering ] - Hey, thanks, everybody.
You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker but I'm also here to talk about Sprint.
As you can see, you stand to save up to 1 7 cents a month over the more dependable providers.
- Aw, talk about Star Wars.
- [ Shouting In Agreement ] You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance.
Star Wars, huh? Well, let me ask you this.
How many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie? [ Scattered Shouts ] Me! Me! Me! Well, you're in luck 'cause we're gonna act out a scene and I'll need a volunteer to play Obi-Wan.
- Kenobi? - [ Crowd ] Over here! Here! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment.
Like hell it has.
If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me.
Step away, foolish amateurs.
Just keep back.
Keep out of it.
The role is mine.
With the acting and the groupies and the ''Luke, Luke, save me'' with the light saber and the ''vwing, vwing, vwing.
'' That's not how you ''vwing.
'' [ Shouts ] - We're doomed.
Doomed.
- [ Clamoring ] Oh, God.
Can't this town go one day without a riot? Ya! Gadzooks! Where are my bodyguards? Is there anything fluffier than a cloud? - If there is, I don't wanna know about it.
- [ C-3PO ] Oh, dear.
Oh, my! Let's cruise.
Use your light saber.
What, and break it? You know, George Lucas makes me pay for these.
Take him.
He's the one you want.
Not the hair! Back off, you freakin' dweebs.
- Oh, poor Mark Hamill.
- [ Gasps ] That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him.
[ Shouts ] Nerds! Get out of there! [ Grunting ] - Mr.
Hamill.
Mr.
Mayor.
Come on.
- Who are you? Homer Simpson, nerd-buster, and I'm gettin' you out of here.
[ Groans ] I can't, Homer.
I twisted my ankle.
You guys go on without me.
Never! [ Grunts ] Follow me.
How was I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship? [ Bart ] Dad, over here.
! [ Panting ] Oh, my God! Someone has to go back in for Maggie.
- Forget Maggie.
She's gone.
- I've got Maggie.
Wow, that was close.
Well, thanks a lot, Homer.
Well, it's all- Hey! I thought you twisted your ankle.
Oh, yeah.
Well, see the thing about that is- [ Shouts ] [ Alarm Ringing ] - [ Groans ] - Hey, boss, we were just talking about you.
You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired! Fired, huh? [ Chuckles ] Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for you? Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery? - I'll tell you who.
Him! - Whoo-hoo! Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just- I said, ''Whoo-hoo.
'' [ Groans ] As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee.
Not to your family.
Not to your country.
Not to ''Moo-hammad.
'' - Even during Ramadan? - Shut your sass-hole, boy.
These melons represent your protectees.
Throughout this course,you will protect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary.
[ Slurping ] What? Okay.
Listen up.
My goal is to assassinate that watermelon.
- Your job is to take the bullet.
Go! - [ Gasps ] - [ Panting ] - Go, go, go.
! - Pow! - No! Well, your dive wasn't bad, but I just didn't believe your ''No!'' I mean, you gotta sell it.
Remember, your ''No!'' is what gets you your next job.
- Now drop and give me 20.
- No! Better.
You ladies are without a doubt the most sorrowful clique at the dance.
- Not one of you fit to guard a Russian rock band.
- [ All Sigh ] However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate.
Congratulations.
[ Cheering ] And, now, in honor of your achievement here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard.
[ Singing Ballad ] Whee-ha! - Clear.
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
The pig is in the poke.
- You know, I really don't care for that code name.
- [ Meow ] - Look out, Marge! Cat! - [ Screeching ] I know you're excited about starting a new job, but could you just relax for now? Hold it.
What's your clearance? - We just wanna get a snack.
- Access denied.
- But, Dad- - [ Both Groan ] Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.
They'll be fine in half an hour.
[ Scoffs ] That's not the point.
And another thing- I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago, and you still haven't- Hmm.
Still half an hour till dinner.
Oh, well.
[ Groans ] Ow! It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir.
Just remember, you represent the office of the mayor.
So always comport yourself in a manner befitting- Quick, honk at that broad.
- [ Honks ] - [ Wolf Whistle ] Good work, Simpson.
I couldn't be happier with the way that went.
Hey, Homer, I told you not to come round here no more till you paid your tab, or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom that you- Mayor Quimby? [ Clears Throat ] Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor? Shove off, pukeholes! Get out ofhere.
These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies.
Ha.
Here's a couple of''Duffenbraus,'' on the house of course.
Mmm, semi-imported.
[ Gulping ] - Keep 'em coming.
- [ Sighs ] Your generosity is greatly appreciated especially during this health inspection season.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Health inspection.
That reminds me.
Ha! Your change, sir.
We're working on that roach situation.
I swear to God.
Yeah, you should see the hospital.
[ Clinking ] And after Moe's, we went to Krusty Burger, and the mayor got some more change.
And I ordered a double-double, but they gave me the double-double-double-double.
And then Apu gave the mayor lots of change for- - Dad, don't you see what's going on? - That ''change'' was a bribe.
Oh, honey, don't be so naive.
That's how the world works.
Sure the mayor takes a few bribes, but he also makes the trains run on time.
No, he doesn't.
Trains are regulated by the federal Department ofTransportation.
And recent studies have shown that- - [ Groans ] - Homer! Thank you, Mayor Quimby, for honoring us with the school milk concession.
Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and I need my- [ Coughs ] Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem.
Thank you, Fat Tony.
However, in the future I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.
So, how'd you get the nickname ''Legs''? Well, that's an interesting story.
[ Chuckles ] - It seems President Kennedy's father was- - Whoo! Mini cannoli.
Hey, I called that.
I saw it first.
Come back here.
[ Growls ] Hmm, milking room.
- I hope you cows are decent.
- [ Loud Squeaking ] [ Gasps ] Crap on a crust! - [ Groans ] - [ Squeaking ] [ Yelps ] They're milking rats.
- Milking rats! - Rats? I'm outraged.
You promised me dog or higher.
[ Gasps ] [ Loud Gulping ] - [ Disgusted Sound ] - [ Gulping, Slurping ] [ Groans ] Bart! No! Hey! My milk.
I traded my math book for that.
Dad, what a nice surprise.
- [ Kissing Sounds ] - [ Disgusted Sounds ] Get that away from me.
Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk ever.
- Can I still drink it? - Go nuts.
All right! [ Loud Gulping ] [ Gagging ] You monster! How could you do that to the children? Those wacky gangsters.
What are you gonna do? And to think I respected you and defended you.
You wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me! [ Gasping, Shouting ] [ Gasps ] Okay.
We'll call it even.
Oh, my God! I killed the mayor.
All right, stay calm.
I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend at Bernie's and- - Help.
Help.
- [ Gasps ] - His corpse is climbing the building.
- I'm alive, you idiot.
- Pull me in.
- Okay.
Wait a second.
I'm not saving you unless you promise to get that rats' milk out of the schools.
But the gangsters will kill me.
You're forgetting.
You've got the best bodyguard in the business.
Now, promise or I'll let you fall to your death.
- All right, all right.
I promise.
- Shake on it.
- [ Shouts ] - [ Horn Honks ] Relax, you're in good hands.
Now, come on.
I'll pull you up.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Not so fast.
I can see into the interns' restroom from here.
[ Grunts ] Did you know that this is how F.
D.
R.
met Eleanor? [ Grunts ] All right, pull me up.
Six queens.
Read 'em and weep.
Not so fast.
Seven queens.
Freeze, goombahs.
We're shutting you down, you filthy I-talians.
- It's Italian-Americans.
- Right, right.
Filthy I-talian-Americans.
Gentlemen, if you would simply consult my dear friend Mayor Quimby - I am confident this can be- - Not this time, Fat Tony.
The mayor's office is not for sale.
[ All Laughing ] Can you, uh, edit out the laughs? I am not so much disappointed as I am blinded with rage.
Ooh, the Mafia guy's all mad.
Oh, what are you gonna do, call your godfather, huh? ''Oh, Godfather''- [ Whimpering ] - Break it down.
- [ Grunting ] [ Rats Squeaking ] It's pure.
Pull the plug, boys.
Run free, little vermin.
The city is yours.
- And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers- - [ Meowing ] the circle of life is complete.
- Fat Tony, do you have any comment? - I don't get it.
Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk? Hmm.
Any words for the mayor? Hello, Mayor Quimby.
I would like to remind you that accidents will happen like the killing of you by us.
Aren't you scared, Dad? I mean, if I were Fat Tony and, God willing, some day I will be I'd just be stewing in my jail cell, getting madder and madder.
Oh, don't worry about that, boy.
He's already out on bail.
- Well, I'm off to work.
- You're guarding the mayor tonight? After Fat Tony swore revenge? It's my duty, Marge.
Besides, those mobsters don't scare me.
- Bart, would you go start Daddy's car? - Homer! What? There's nothing to worry about.
- Well, then you start it.
- All right.
Fine.
I'll take a cab.
[ Doorbell Chiming ''Hail to the Chief''] Homer, I'm not sure it's wise to go out right now.
I was thinking of a quiet evening at home with the, uh- [ Sighs ] wife.
Oh, I get it.
You're worried about those mobsters, aren't ya? No, no.
I truly do want to stay home with the- [ Sighs ] wife.
You've gotta snap out of this funk, Mayor.
I'm gonna take you someplace where you can relax and forget all about gangsters.
- Excuse me.
- [ Drawn-out ] Yes? - Do you have a table for the mayor? - Yes! - Why do you talk that way? - I had a stroke.
Dear Lord, please make tonight's production better than Othello with Peter Marshall.
[ Homer ] Okay, Mr.
Burns, Fat Tony, what's-his-name- Fat Tony.
! [ Gasps ] All right, Fat Tony.
If it's trouble with Quimby you're after- Please.
I am only here as a devotee of the lively arts.
But I do have something for the mayor that perhaps you could deliver.
Mayor, Fat Tony asked me to give you this.
- [ Loud Kiss ] - [ Spits ] You moron! That's the kiss of death.
Oh, no! Wait.
Maybe I didn't do it right.
Never mind that.
Just go patrol the perimeter.
Ah, au gratin potatoes.
That's a quality side.
No! Potatoes are clean.
The poison must be in the steak.
[ Eating Loudly ] [ Chorus ] ##[ Singing Show Tune ] [ Continues ] This is a conceptual nightmare.
I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this.
And this song isn't even in the show.
I don't have time for this.
I got 7 5 shortcakes to strawberry.
- Now get out there, Luke.
- [ Sighs ] [ Singing Show Tune ] - ##[ Continues ] - I want the mayor dead.
I want his wife dead.
I want his cat and his dog dead.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who is before the cat? [ Sighs ] Just kill the mayor.
Y-You're not mad at me, are you? [ Singing Show Tune ] Hey, you're in this number! Get out there and shake that moneymaker.
But I'm just here to kill- - That guy with the knife sure can dance, huh? - He looks awfully familiar.
I think I saw him in Rent or Stomp or Clomp or some piece of crap.
[ Audience Cheering ] Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak - and don't you forget it.
- You're all talk, Hamill.
You never even finished Jedi school.
- Show's over, Mayor.
- Look out! [ Grunts ] - [ Straining ] Give me that knife.
- No, it's mine.
[ Whimpering ] - Homer.
Use the for- - The Force? - The forks.
Use the forks.
- Oh.
Yes! Nobody messes with the mayor when Homer Simpson's on- Oh, crap.
- Oh, Fat Tony.
- What? - What did I do? - [ Bat Clatters On Ground ] I checked with the doctor.
He said Mayor Quimby's gonna be fine and I was electric as Nathan Detroit.
- What did you think of me? - I'd say you were luminous, magnetic.
[ Loud Sigh ] Incandescent.
Oh, cheer up, Homer.
I think you made a great bodyguard.
Really? Would you say I was magnetic? - Absolutely.
- Aw.
- [ Cheering, Applause ] - [ Man ] Mr.
Skywalker.
[ Groans ] Homer, I think you know what to do.
##[ Woman Singing Ballad ] Shoot.
I forgot my light saber.
Oh, wait.
Here it is.
[ Homer Groans ] Get out of the way.
##[ Continues ] ##[ Continues ] ##[ Continues ] ##[ Ends ] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Viva Ned Flanders
The Simpsons s10e10 Episode Script
Viva Ned Flanders
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] This is Kent Brockman, live at the Monty Burns Casino.
Moments from now, ''the house that social security checks built'' will be demolished to make way for a casino-themed family hotel.
This must be heartbreaking for you, sir.
I'm just thinking of my employees- All the cardsharps, bottom dealers and shills.
- Where will they go? - They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir.
Excellent.
Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs the Shebangs, and the New Shebangs, featuring Big Timmy.
Remember how excited we were when this place opened? Then a week later we just forgot about it.
I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town.
Oh, I can explain that.
You see- Five, four, three, two- All right! Here comes the implosion.
''Implosion''? But I thought you said- [ Crowd Clamoring ] - Hockey puck! - [ Chuckling ] Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.
Dust! Eat my dust, dust.
Oops.
- [ Crash ] - [ Man Screams ] [ Lisa ] Dad, we hit Don Rickles.
[ Man ] I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps.
[ Chuckles ] Just kiddin; I'm a nice guy.
We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Aw, what's the rush? Might rain next week.
Hey, Homer, your car's kind of dirty.
Really? You think I should get it washed? - Yeah, maybe.
- [ Tires Squealing ] You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.
Hey, that's great.
All right, young 'uns, bath time.
Cover up your eyes and drop your britches.
Who wants wax? - [ Children ] Me! - [ Howls ] I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers- Particularly this one which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike.
No hablo ingles, senor.
[ Machinery Whirring ] Oh.
##[ Muzak On P.
A.
] Wow.
You can't find this stuff anywhere.
Seals and Crofts? Pablo Cruise? Air Supply? Whoa, ho.
Loggins and Oates.
And it's free.
I've never heard of these bands, Mom.
- What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock? - No.
- Wuss-Rock? - That's it.
- [ Bell Dings ] Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires? - Throw hot wax on him, Dad.
- Howdy, Homer.
Five dollars, please.
Hey, how did ''Churchy LaFemme'' get half price? - Senior citizens' discount.
- [ Scoffs ] ''Senior citizen''? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.
##[ Organ ] ##[ Organ ] And once again, tithing is 1 0% off the top.
That's gross income, not net.
- Please, people, don't force us to audit.
- [ Murmuring ] Now, I'm going to pass this around a second time.
Brother Ned, if you'll do the honors- I wouldn't do that, Reverend.
You see, ''Saint Flanders'' is as crooked as you or me.
[ Murmuring ] That's right.
It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash.
How, you ask? With a phony senior-discount card.
- [ Murmuring ] - Well, that's not quite true.
Did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said car wash? - Well, I did, but- - Now, I'm not a fancy, big-city lawyer- - [ All Gasp ] - But it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 5 5.
- Isn't that so? - Well, yes.
- And you are how old? - [ Sighs ] I suppose, if you must know, I'm-Well, I'm- I'm 60.
- [ Lenny ] God, he looks so good.
- [ Moe ] He looks unbelievable.
What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat? - Some kind of electric hat? - Holy water? It's holy water, right? Aah! It burns! Listen, folks.
There's no magic formula.
I just follow the three C's- Clean living, chewing thoroughly and a daily dose of vitamin church.
- [ Groaning ] - And, of course, I resist all the major urges.
- All of them? - You mean you've never splurged and, say, eaten an entire birthday cake - then blamed it on the dog? - Oh? You've never licked maple syrup off your lover's stomach? - [ Skinner Groans ] - You've never snuck out of church to break into cars? No, no and double no.
I haven't done any of those things, folks.
You name it, I haven't done it.
Geez, Flanders, you're 60 years old and you haven't lived a day in your life.
Yeah, even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards.
- [ Chattering ] - Hmm.
Can you believe it? It almost seemed like those folks were making fun of old Steady Neddie.
Well, you may be a bit cautious, but what's wrong with that? Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth.
Mm-hmm, and some people just steer clear of that whole hornets' nest.
I'll stick with just plain white bread, thank you very much, maybe with a- [ Together] Glass of water on the side for dippin'.
- [ Brakes Squeal ] - Gosh darn it.
Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? [ Sighs ] I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life.
- ##[ Rock On Radio ] - Hey there! Look at that.
Everyone's livin' it up except Ned.
Help! We're being carjacked.
Don't get clever, old man.
Now take us to Dress Barn.
[ Maude ] Where have you been, Neddie? In the bathroom- not trimmin' my mustache.
What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? - No, you remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders.
- [ Laughing ] - Would a silly billy sit like this? - [ Snap ] - Ooh! - Rod, Call Dr.
Stein.
All right, Bart- Fire in the hole.
[ Chuckles ] Okay, no more gasoline.
- Hmm.
- ## [ Humming ] Full power.
Never a dull moment, huh, Homer? You got that right.
Throw on the mesquite, Bart.
Mesquite it is.
You know, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
Well, well, well.
So Flawless Flanders needs help from Stinky Pants Simpson.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah, I guess I do.
Welly, welly, welly.
-Mr.
Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus Magee.
-How about it, Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life? - Wellity, wellity, wellity.
- Stop that! Will you help me or not? - [ Can Clanks ] - Let's do it.
- [ Groans ] - So what about all this meat? Aw, the missus will clean that up.
Now it's Marge's time to shine.
First of all, I get five dollars a day, plus expenses.
- Seems fair.
- And I'll need your signature here, here and initial here.
[ Chuckles ] You're not really giving my father - power of attorney, are you? - Of course I- [ Gasps ] Oh, my stars.
I can't do that.
Well, that's unfortunate.
Really is.
[ Sighs ] All right.
Congratulations.
Welcome to the Homer Simpson Program.
So what happens next? One day soon I will come for you and then the game will begin.
Could be in the middle of the night.
It could be when you least expect it.
Or whatever's good for you.
I don't care.
Okay, Homer, I'm ready to learn.
What's the first lesson? Just gimme the topic sentence.
Gimme that! That's your problem.
You're livin' up here.
You gotta live down here, in the impulse zone.
If you wanna be like me, you gotta make snap decisions- - Like this! - [ Tires Squealing ] We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino.
Homer, they blew that up yesterday.
- [ Homer ] Oh,yeah, right.
- [ Ned Whimpers ] Then we're goin' to Las Vegas- - Which is actually back in that direction.
- [ Tires Squeal ] [ Ad-libs Song ] That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas.
Eh, too many kids.
Ooh.
It's goin' on 8:30.
I better call Maude and tell her where I am.
Relax.
I called her from the gas station.
- Thanks, buddy.
- [ Snickers ] Sucker.
Gee, Homer, this all looks so garish.
- [ Monkey Chattering ] - [ Elephant Trumpeting ] Oh! The lights, the noise, the letter ''X.
'' It's-It's all designed to inflame the senses.
I'm overstimulated.
I gotta get out of this town.
I don't think so.
I think you'll find escape is quite impossible.
No, I got it.
Oh! Would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial? [ Screams ] - Help me! - [ Screams ] My daughter's not talented.
[ Groans ] [ Tires Squealing ] [ Crowd Cheering ] Hey- Lance Murdock.
[ Revving ] If he's not careful, his scooter could roll right down that ramp.
He's a daredevil, Ned.
He laughs at death.
Whoa.
When I wanna laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much.
And now, the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his ''SuiCycle';.
.
over an audience member- And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head.
Any volunteers? - Ooh, ooh, ooh! Pick him.
Pick him.
- Homer, no.
I wanna do something exciting but I can't just go from zero to 30 like that.
- I-I could be killed.
- Fine.
I'll do it.
- Where do you want me? - On the ''X.
'' You mean the one with the red paint? Uh, yeah, paint.
Now, it's of critical importance that you don't- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll figure it out.
This isn't rocket science.
Well, actually, there are several rockets mounted to the- - Boring.
- [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Revving ] [ Announcer ] Okay, he's cleared the ring of fire passed the ring of ice, over the dog do stick.
- He's cracked the safe.
- Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer.
Oh, God! Lay down.
Lay down.
[ Screaming ] - Clear! - [ Electrical Crackling ] He's all right, folks.
[ Cheering ] Okeydoke.
Let's hit the tables.
My God, Homer, watching you risk your life turned my beat box all the way up to ''rumba.
'' I was praying you'd be safe but t-to be honest, part of me wanted to see you get splattered.
- Oh, I think someone just had his first taste of bloodlust.
- Hmm.
- [ Clicking,Jingling ] - Let's see.
What's Marge's birthday? Barney's is July 1 5, same as Lassie's so Marge must be 50- Oh, forget it.
- Flanders, what's your birthday? - Oh, leave me out of this, Homer.
Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.
Seven, eh? - [ Man ] Seven a winner.
- Way to go, Flanders.
The Bible's finally pulling its weight.
Got any more holy numbers? Oh, I've got a bunch, Homer, but- I just don't feel right.
Oh, Lord, what should I do? - [ Man With Deep Voice ] Keep Gaming.
- What? - It means gambling.
Keep gambling.
- Oh.
Right-eo.
- One betting disk, please.
- ''One betting disk, please.
'' Watch and learn.
- And 1 4 black.
- Well, there you go.
- Now, how about a drink? - [ Stammers ] How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, ''Think.
'' - You mean Lisa? - Oh, no.
I mean common sense.
Oh, that.
That can be treated with our good friend alcohol.
You might want to write that down.
Where the hell's your notebook? - You threw it out the- - Never mind.
Just pay attention.
- Slave girl? Oh, slave girl.
- [ Ice Cubes Tinkling ] - More libations, my imperial conquerors? - What? - More booze? - Oh, yeah.
Two more of these, please.
- [ Beeping ] - And for you, Ned? I'll have a Shirley- No, a virgin- No, make it a children's- Oh, what the heck.
You only live once.
Give me a white wine spritzer.
[ Echoing ] Spritzer- [ Loud Snoring ] - [ Groans ] - [ Snoring Continues ] Oh, my goodness, Homer.
- Wake up.
- [ Mumbling ] Oh, look at this place.
Hoo.
We must have really painted the town last night.
I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I don't remember a thing.
Welcome to my world.
Oh, I did it! I conquered my fears and I made up for a lot of lost living.
- And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson Program.
- The what, now? [ Woman ] Well, it's about time you two woke up.
Well, of course.
It- [ Screams ] - Who are you? - Who am I? I'm Mrs.
Ned Flanders.
- G'ah! - [ Laughs ] Hey, smooth move, Flanders.
And I'm Mrs.
Homer Simpson.
[ Screams ] - Here comes that vomit again.
- Eww.
[ Homer ] Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, you're saying that Ned and me married you two.
- Oh, yeah.
We're hitched, all right.
- Till death do us part.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm working on that.
- Ned, no! Think of your wives.
Wait a minute.
This could be some kind of scam.
Or possibly ''scam-ola.
'' We would remember if we got married.
Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, ''Homeo.
'' - Take a look at this.
-[ Homer ] Aw.
''Precious Memories.
'' I okilly-dokilly, ''schmokilly'' do.
And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your lawfully wedded wife? - What did you call me? - [ Groans ] Do you want to get married? Married.
Sure.
Sock it to me, baby.
By the power vested in me by the Chicago outfit I now pronounce you husbands and wives.
##[ Synthesizer ] We are so dead.
Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing, so breakfast is on us- with full waffle bar privileges.
But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news.
[ Sighs ] The waffle bar is closed.
- I'm sorry.
I'm so very- - Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives.
Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us.
You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had- And we're not giving you up without a fight.
But, Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
- Ginger's my wife.
- Are you sure? Oh, rats.
No offense, sweetie.
Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets? Geez.
I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast.
[ Imitates Whipcrack ] [ Whimpers ] What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized.
- And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude! - I don't know, Flanders.
Having two wives could have its advantages.
Chop, chop, dig, dig.
Chop, chop, dig, dig.
Chop, chop, dig, dig.
You know, Homey, there's so much more two wives could do for you.
I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.
- [ Buzzing ] - Ooh! A friendly bee.
[ Screams ] Ow.
That sting hurts so much.
- We gotta get out of this, Ned.
- Well, do something.
This is all your fault- You and your stupid program.
Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program.
The program is rock solid.
The program is sound.
- Yoo-hoo! - Oh, those awful women want their omelets.
Oh, how are we gonna get out of this mess in an honorable and decent- Oh, nuts.
! I don't know.
Omelets have a lot of fat in them.
Forget it.
You're married.
Let yourself go.
- [ Grunting ] - They're running away.
##[ Man Singing Rock ] Aah! ##[ Continues ] Aah! [ Grunts, Thuds ] - [ Both Groaning ] - ##[ Ends ] How could a fat guy run so fast? Hey! Aw- Come on, baby, show Gil a four.
- Craps.
- Oh, no.
Why did I bet the company payroll? Oh, Gil's in a lot of trouble.
- [ Nervous Laugh ] - Somebody help! Our husbands are trying to ditch us.
Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas.
Attention, all employees.
We've got two runaways.
Stop them.
- [ Whimpering ] - [ Panting ] Oh, no! - [ Roars ] - [ Screams ] A lion.
Drederick Tatum.
Your behavior is- It's unconscionable.
[ Whimpers, Screams ] The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife while ancient Ned runs for his life.
Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which- Can the poems.
It's ass-whooping time.
- I want fatty.
- [ Screams ] - Get him! Get him! - Let's get him.
What if we switched wives? Would that help? - For the last time, no.
- Hello! Our ticket to freedom.
- [ Car Starts ] - So long, suck- - [ Clamoring ] - [ Roaring ] - [ Homer, Ned Whimpering ] - Get out and stay out.
Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners.
Take your money and go someplace else.
- [ Crowd ] Yeah! - I really disrespect them.
And don't you ever try to marry us again.
We found some guys who know how to treat a woman.
- [ Nervous Laugh ] - [ Grunts ] - But, Amber, I can change.
- Will you shut up? - But, Amber, I can change.
- Will you shut up? - We were out buying them fabulous gifts- - What's the occasion? Because we love them,jackass.
Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart, when suddenly, 1 00 spaceships- - Homer! - You're right, you're right.
Fifty spaceships beamed us aboard.
They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America.
Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Would you rather tell Maude the truth? - What did the aliens look like? - Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you.
- Well, hello, little birdies.
- [ Both Scream ] - Well, hello, little birdies.
- [ Both Scream ] - Not the eyes.
! - My eyes.
! Cover your eyes.
! ##[ Man Singing Rock ] ##[ Continues ] ##[ Ends ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Wild Barts Can't Be Broken
The Simpsons s10e11 Episode Script
Wild Barts Can't Be Broken
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Screaming ] ##[ Woman Singing ] [ Continues ] [ Song Ends ] - [ Crowd Cheering ] - Thank you, Springfield! I love you! Peace! [ Man On Speaker ] Thank you, Cyndi Lauper.
Just a reminder, folks.
- We do have a baseball game today.
- Oh, right.
I'm Dennis Conroy.
And here come your Isotopes.
- [ Crowd Booing ] - [ Coughing ] Let's welcome two new additions to the team Smash Diggins and Fishbone Walker.
Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors for drug violations.
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - ##[ Organ Fanfare ] Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad? Because I loved them once and they broke my heart.
Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie.
Never love anything.
- Even you? - Especially me.
But you gotta support the team, Dad.
They're already threatening to move to MooseJaw.
That's right.
Like my mother always said you've gotta stick it out, even if you picked a loser.
- Hmm.
- To the bitter end.
[ Conroy On Speaker ] First pitch of the game.
- [ Screaming ] - That's a rotator cuff.
- His career's over.
- I'm gonna warm up the car.
- But there's only been one pitch.
- And it sucked.
Bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the ninth, and it's do or die.
[ Homer Singing ] That'll bring up Babe Ruth IV.
Of course, he's no Babe Ruth III but the franchise is very excited about this illegitimate great grand bambino.
And what's this? He's pointing to the right field bleachers.
Probably at a dying little boy.
- Mom, am I dying? - No, of course not.
- Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
- No! [ Conroy ] Now he's pointing to the ground.
Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting.
! - [ Players Groaning ] - [ Crowd Booing ] [ Marge ] Good hustle, kid.
! [ Homer Singing ] - So who won? The losers? - No, they lost.
- [ Chuckles ] Losers.
- But only by two points.
They didn't resort to stealing bases like the other team, so it's kind of a moral victory.
With a little middle relief, they might even make the play-offs.
You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens.
Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves? [ Crowd Chattering ] [ Laughs ] All right! Whoo! [ Grunts ] What's the hubbub? Did Moe finally blow his brains out? Quiet! We're watching the Isotopes.
Shut it off.
They're losers.
Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire.
Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.
Now we're in the championship game.
Championship? Hmm.
Whoo! 'Topes rule! - [ Gulping ] - Well, here's a die-hard fan.
Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history.
Any thoughts? Oh, it's a great team, Kent.
We never gave up hope.
I want to thankJesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge.
We did it, baby! Whoo! Whoo! The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team.
- Even if they lose this game.
- They lost? Those losers! No, no, no.
The game's not over.
Whoo! Not over! Whoo! There you have it- ''Whoo.
'' - Here it comes, baby.
Real big one! - [ All Shouting ] [ Conroy On Speaker ] Bottom of the ninth, two outs.
It all comes down to this.
- And here's the pitch.
- [ Bat Strikes Ball ] Humpin' ''hay-zeus';! He got all of that one.
! - It's going, going, going- - [ All Gasping ] Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski.
It's out ofhere.
! 'Topes win.
! - [ All Cheering ] - Isotopes! What'd I tell you? Isotopes.
! Whoo.
! [ Gulping ] - Ah, nobody touched my rumaki.
- [ Screams ] Rumaki.
! - Yea! Isotopes! - [ Horn Honking ] - Whoo! - [ Grunting ] - Isotopes! [ Grunts ] - Isotopes! - [ Horn Continues Honking ] - Isotopes.
! You know what I'm sayin'to you, baby? Hey! A baseball field! Batter up! - [ Cheering ] - Go, baby! - Steal second! - I think I'm gonna puke! - Hey, who's on first? - Touchdown! - [ Barney Yelling ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Homer ] Safe.
! - [ All Whooping ] - Hey, Carl? Isotopes! - [ All Muttering ] ##[ All Singing Rock ] - [ Screams ] - Whoop.
Careful.
[ Munching ] Wow.
You look really hungover, Dad.
What did you do last night? Last night? Um- ##[ Piano ] ##[ Ominous Chord ] Mm, uh, hello, big Maggie.
Yes.
! Yes.
! Yes.
! - Someone trashed the school! - What the ''dillio''? Where this morning the three R's stand for ''rowdiness'' ''ransacking'' and ''e-responsibility.
'' - Any suspects, Chief? - None.
That's why we're jumping to the conclusion that this was the work of no-good punk kids.
- Kids? - Therefore, effective immediately I am imposing a curfew.
Any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot or returned to their parents, as the situation may warrant.
- Whoa! - Curfew? Serves you little punks right.
Maybe next time you'll think before- Oh, my God! Look what those rotten kids did to my car! The cops can't just slap a curfew on us! We have rights! Sure you do.
You have the right to remain silent.
[ Both Laughing ] - That was cold-blooded, Marge.
- Yeah.
But it's not fair.
Adults always blame kids for everything.
Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
- What about adultery? - Not until you're older, Son.
[ Children Giggling ] Okay, go deep! - Ice cream truck! - [ Excited Shouting ] I was here first! Get out of my way! - ## [ Cheerful Tune ] - [ Children Laughing ] [ Siren Wailing ] Achtung, babies! Curfew is in effect! Return to your homes immediately.
[ Screaming ] [ Boy Whining ] I don't want to return home.
All right.
Let's see some I.
D.
's, boys.
[ Scoffs ] You two scofflaws are violating curfew.
I'm taking you downtown.
Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr.
Hibbert.
[ Deep Voice ] Not at all, officer.
[ Laughing ] Oh, what a beautiful night.
Fireflies, full moon- And here we are, locked inside.
Kids, the carnival's in town for one night only! And they've got cotton candy and hats with feathers! And there's no lines, because all the stupid kids have curfew! So- Oh, right.
Sorry.
[ Giggling ] [ Both Sighing ] Why don't you kids play one of your old board games? When was the last time you played Citizenship? - Energy Shortage? - Hippo in the House? [ Marge ] Ooh, the Game of Lent.
! - [ Groans ] Can't we just go to bed? - It's only 5:30.
Fine.
We'll play Hippo in the House.
- Oh, the hippo's missing.
- [ Both Groaning ] You think that's bad.
I had to talk to my mom all night.
She's got problems.
Scary problems.
Adults blow.
Yeah,just look at 'em over there.
Smokin' their cigarettes.
Drinkin' their coffee.
Scratchin' their big butts.
Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
[ Mutters, Clears Throat ] [ Motor Humming ] That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here.
Gee, Chief, all those gears and motors must've cost a fortune.
-Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou.
-Mm-hmm.
[ Yawns ] You wanna hold it for a while? Nah.
- ## [ Humming ] - Marge, kite.
Hey, there is one thing we could do.
[ Gasps ] Lise, no! It's prime time! You robbed me of my manhood! That's petty theft.
- [ TVAudience ] Ooh! - Don't go there.
[ Laughing, Applause ] Don't Go There will be right back.
- Oh, no it won't.
- Wait.
! There's a commercial.
! [ Wolf Howling ] - Oh, yeah.
- Whoa.
- [ Wolves Snarling ] - [ Man Narrating ] Forty years ago a film appeared that was so shocking, so terrifying it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth.
But even the new management of Sony TriStar could not contain the pure evil of The Bloodening.
[ Woman Screaming ] Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel 6? Uh, yeah.
It's really something.
[ Screams ] - [ Screaming ] - A registered nurse trained in the treatment of terror will be on duty during the showing of The Bloodening.
[ Eerie Laughing ] [ TVAnnouncer ] Now playing at the Springfield Drive-In after dark.
Milhouse, spread the word.
We're seeing this movie tonight.
That's right.
We're breaking curfew.
Come on! - I'm breaking curfew, Mom! - [ Mother ] We're out of Skoal.
! ''Due to the likelihood of fear-induced heart attacks we're offering all patrons million-dollar life insurance policies.
'' Life insurance? Hmm.
Will I be able to borrow against the equity? I don't know, sir.
It comes free with the popcorn.
- Is that air-popped? - Skinner.
! - We're losing valuable make-out time.
- [ Giggles ] [ Grunting ] A little help.
- Sure.
- [ Grunts, Groans ] - [ Grunts ] Lisa.
- Nelson.
[ Chorus Singing ] [ Wolves Howling ] Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans! [ English Accent ] Actually, we prefer to stay.
You're thinking about hurting us.
- [ Gasps ] - Now you're thinking ''How did they know what I was thinking?'' Now you're thinking, ''I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers.
'' [ Gasping ] [ Screaming ] - Wow! - They showed him! Man, I never liked Shakespeare until now.
- [ Crowd Chattering ] - Right, you little blighters.
We've had quite enough of your evil mischief.
But you're the one who's been bad.
You've been sneaking puddings.
But- But how did you know? We know all your secrets.
And you pilfered the poor box.
- [ Gasps ] - And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop.
- [ Gasps ] Lies! - How dare you! Get them! Quickly! We can't have that.
[ All Gasping ] [ All Grunting, Groaning ] [ Screaming ] - Take that, you suckers! - Stick him with the pitchfork! - Way to go! - In your face, fishwife! Enjoying the movie, kids? [ All Screaming ] Listen up, punks.
The moral of the story is the adults always win.
[ Screams ] For crying out loud, Eddie.
You scared the hell out of me.
Sorry, Chief.
[ Chuckles ] [ Groaning ] Don't forget to clean under the jowls.
That spot is Club Med for mildew.
And let this be a lesson to you! Kids never learn! [ Snickers ] [ Groaning, Coughing ] Oh, that is it! I'm tired of being pushed around by grown-ups! It's time to fight back! - Yeah! - Fight back! Fight back! Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie we could read the adults' mind and tell their secrets and make 'em pitchfork each other and junk! - Oh, yeah! - Wait! We don't need supernatural powers.
We already know their secrets.
She's right.
Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers.
My mom shoplifts all the time.
Stuff she doesn't even need.
My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
Great.
This is all gold.
[ Milhouse ] We gotta spread this stuff around.
Let's put it on the Internet! [ Bart ] No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter.
And I think I know how.
Why don't we- - I can get my dad's amplifier from the garage.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
Attention, hemline and midriff monitors.
- [ Glass Squeaking ] - [ Gasps ] Willie, get my Windex! [ Snoring ] [ Cat Screeches ] nothin' but cats.
So, Marge, ready for another episode of Don't Go There? I'm tired of that show.
But I've been hearing good things about Talk to the Hand.
Tom Shales says the writing ''snaps, crackles and pops.
'' Okay.
Whatever takes my mind off my life.
[ Chorus Singing ] Hey, look what I found! Grampa's old radio.
Oh, wouldn't it be grand to gather round and have a listen? Well, turn something on.
I'm startin' to think! [ Changing Stations ] [ F.
D.
R.
's Voice ] A date which will live in infamy.
Good evening, adults.
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very special presentation.
Tonight's program is entitled- [ Together] We Know All Your Secrets.
Boring! Go back to that ''infamy'' guy.
[ Bart On Radio ] Constable Wiggum likes to act tough but he also likes to walk the beat in control-top panty hose.
- [ Both Gasp ] - [ Chuckles ] Well, it's not like that's a crime.
has been stealing supplies from the school cafeteria.
[ Gasps ] Edna! How could you? Don't get up.
I'll bus my own tray.
- And now we come to Mr.
Homer Simpson.
- [ Screams ] Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? - Oh, Homer.
- I have a problem.
Tune in tomorrow and every day until the curfew is lifted because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Well, at least they've already done me.
- And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
- D'oh! I've called this meeting to determine what to do about those blabbermouth kids and their creepy English accents.
Hey, shut up, Mayor! They're tellin' secrets again! - [ Murmuring ] - Oh, I hope they don't reveal this is a comb-over.
[ Lisa With English Accent ] Our top secret tonight- gay divorcee Luann Van Houten has been cheating on her boyfriend, Pyro with his best friend, Gyro.
How many times have I fought beside you, Gyro? And this is how you repay me? - [ Both Grunting ] - Pyro! Gyro! Settle down! Can't we shut down that infernal transmitter? - Can't we just blow it up? - You go ahead, girlfriend! - They're the worst! - Yeah! - Say it again, girl! - Settle down, people.
As we speak, Chief Wiggum is tracking down those little squealers using the latest in crime-fighting technology.
Uh, I got nothing.
How about you, Frinky? I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors and compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand.
They're over there! They're over there! And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license? - [ Gulps ] - That's right.
Homer Simpson.
- [ Homer ] D'oh.
! - Freeze, you little shock jocks! [ Guns Cocking ] Brilliant.
They transduced amplitude modulation via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance.
I mean, that is some clever ''viving.
'' All right, you kids, come down now.
- We promise we won't kill ya.
- Speak for yourself.
Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age! You can't make us come down! You adults are always givin' us orders! You kids are always disobeying them.
Well, adults treat kids like children! Kids treat adults like cash machines! - Adults! - Kids! - Adults! - Kids! - Adults! - Kids! [ Singing Musical Comedy ] - ## [ Continues ] - [ Marge Groans ] - ## [ Continues ] - [ Cat Screeches ] - [ Screams ] - ## [ Continues ] [ Ends ] We're gonna teach all you rug rats a lesson.
Oh, yeah? What can you old people do to us? - Yeah, you old fogeys! - Buzz off, you old- - What do you got? - You're all wrinkly! Somebody should iron you! This is Kent Brockman reporting from my own home in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under 7 0.
- Mm, I can't believe that passed.
- [ Grumbling ] I warned you guys that seniors always vote in record numbers.
The controversial measure passed by a single vote.
[ Groans ] You really should've voted, Homer.
[ Scoffs ] It wouldn't have made a difference.
Lights out, you punk kids! Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking? My pills are in that can.
! Good gravy.
! I don't kick your things.
When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it? Oh, now look at that.
It went down the sewer.
! You happy? I'm gonna sue now.
! Now it's time for the lawyers.
! - Shh.
- Don't tell me to shush, you stupid lady!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Sunday, Cruddy Sunday
The Simpsons s10e12 Episode Script
Sunday, Cruddy Sunday
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ All Gasp ] - [ Channel Changes ] [ Snoring ] [ Chattering ] Hey, hey.
Settle down, children.
Now, who's ever wondered how the post office works? - No one? - I did until we came here last year.
Ah, yes, last year.
Anyway, look.
Here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill.
[ Chuckling ] Howdy, partners.
Welcome to your post office.
Wow! It's ours? - [ Skinner ] Bart.
! - Be with you in a minute.
This is the lobby where customers come for all their ''postalistic'' needs.
''Legends of comedy,'' my tuchus.
! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done? This machine reads zip codes.
These five digits tell us where to direct your mail.
But it's nine digits now.
What's the point of these other four numbers? Those are citizen relocation codes.
With any luck, we'll never need 'em.
- She's onto us.
Should I flood the chamber? - Not yet.
Let's get some lunch.
Well, children, any questions for Postmaster Bill? You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no.
The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman shooting up the place went out with the Macarena.
Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school.
And this is where our employees gather to unwind after a hard day of serving the public.
Bingo! Birthday card! - Graduation! - Ding-ding-ding! Wedding! [ All Cheering ] [ Chuckling, Moans ] I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office.
Well, as a souvenir of your visit you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail.
- [ Cheering ] - I'll take you.
- [ Growling ] - I got some dog food! I got my letter to Santa.
A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk? - Happy birthday, Dad.
- Wow! A Val-U-Qual coupon book! Let's see.
Ten percent off carpet cleaning.
Ten! [ Gasps ] Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! - Doughy's has terrible pizza.
- Yeah, but there's two! Oh, free foot pain analysis.
Oh, Marge.
That's just a trick to get you in there, so they can cure your foot pain.
I guess.
[ Moaning ] See ya, kids.
Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red with savings! I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson.
And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
- Um, Dad? - ## [ Singing Upbeat Song ] ##[ Continues ] Now, this wheel balancing is free, right? Oh, you betcha.
Absolutely.
Uh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
These tires won't take a balance.
- They won't? - Nah, no.
You hear that clunk? - No.
- That tells me you need four new tires.
- Really? - Yeah.
Legally, I can't even let you drive out of here.
Oh, please, can't you let me slide this time? Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out- What's going on over here? You gonna let this man drive out of here on unsafe tires? - No, boss, I swear.
- That's it.
You're fired! No, wait.
This is all my fault.
Oh, if I could only turn back the clock and buy four new tires.
##[ Instrumental Easy Listening ] [ Moans ] Ooh, I know that look.
You came in for the free wheel balance and now it's costing you - Six with the tip.
- Hey, you got off easy.
I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package- alignment, shocks, Armor All, stem lube.
[ Laughing ] Stem lube.
Even I didn't fall for that, although winter is coming.
Man, we are a couple of grade-A suckers.
- Wally Kogen.
- Hey, I know you.
We were in the same pyramid scheme.
Oh, don't remind me.
Friends helping friends, my ass! Say, you wanna grab a beer while we're waiting? Yeah.
I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us.
[ Man ] The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless.
- I mean, when you think about it.
- Football's so great.
But now the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys.
Bye weeks! Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks.
And now he's dead.
Well, maybe they're a good thing.
Yeah, how 'bout that Super Bowl.
You going this year? Me? Nah.
[ Gasps ] Unless there's a coupon for it.
Nah.
Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency.
We've got a charter bus going down to the game.
You help us fill it, you can ride for free.
Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Dang! That was my last quarterback.
Now what am I gonna do? You! - Me? - Yeah, you.
Get your hand off my wife's leg.
Sorry.
It's a deal.
Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl? Oh, absolutely.
My favorite team's in it.
The Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos.
Yeah, I hear that President Clinton is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary.
Come on, Lenny.
I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus.
- What do you say? - Nah.
- Come on! - Nah.
- Come on! - Nah.
- Oh, come on! - Ah- Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.
I'm so happy you're going to the big game.
My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet.
Yeah, yeah.
Do we have any pencils that work? Wow.
You've signed up quite a few people, Dad- the Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, the Squeaky-voiced Teen.
I gotta hand it to you, Homer.
It's really a good group.
Yeah, not a dame in sight.
Oh, thank God.
Now we can stop holding it in.
[ All Sighing ] All aboard for Miami.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Barney ] I don't know if I can last that long.
Super Bowl, please, and step on it.
- [ All Cheering ] - Hey, wait up! Aw, crap.
It's that pip-squeak Rudy.
- What is it, Rudy? - Can I come too? Forget it, kid.
You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.
But what I lack in size I make up for in obnoxiousness.
[ All Cheering ] ##[ Upbeat Song ] Well, sports fans, I see you've located the beer supply.
So, let's all enjoy it in moderation.
- [ Man ] Boo.
! - Hey, don't make me come back there.
Seriously now, if you have any questions just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson.
[ Drunkenly Humming ] Or me.
Better ask me.
[ Sighs ] It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
- Yeah, I'm bored too.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, why don't we do one of those craft kits Aunt Patty always gives us.
Hmm.
Oh! How 'bout paint by numbers? - It's so rigid and uncreative.
- Okay.
- Oh, leather craft.
- Oh, those poor, helpless cows! Mm-hmm.
What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Hey, what's this? ''Vincent Price's Egg Magic.
'' Wow.
What are we waiting for? [ All Laughing ] Now look what you've done.
All right, all right.
You guys have had way too much booze.
- Last call.
- [ Excited Chattering ] Come on, come on.
Gimme an excuse.
Pro Player Stadium.
Super Bowl.
- [ All Cheering ] - [ Gunshots ] Hey, all right! [ Bleating ] [ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.
- The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom.
- What bathroom? Uh, okay, fellas.
Enjoy the pregame fun.
I don't wanna be a Panicky Pete but it's Sunday and I haven't been to church yet.
No problem.
The N.
F.
L.
's got you covered.
And that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home.
Lord, hear our prayer.
Can I get an amen to that? [ All ] Amen! Cool! The N.
F.
L.
's oldest surviving player.
- I'm 53 years young.
- [ Shuddering ] Whoo! Hey, Troy Aikman! So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of- Sure you do.
Everyone likes dune buggies.
Great spiral, Daniel! Man, that hurts.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Friends of Dan Marino.
Okay, Dan, fire away! I'm Dan's manager.
This is Dan.
- Go long, son.
- Yes, sir.
[ Whimpering ] I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino.
This is the greatest moment of my- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! - Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron.
- [ Growling ] - Uh-oh.
Lateral to Bart.
- [ Growling Continues ] - D'oh! My spine.
- [ Bone Snaps ] Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional.
Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on.
Right.
Hmm.
Lisa, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm not finding any.
But it clearly says ''feet included.
'' They have to be here.
No.
Nothing.
I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product.
- Now what do we do? - Let's call the company.
Mom, this was made in 1 967.
They're probably out of business.
Well, we'll just see.
Murray Hill 5-923 2.
[ Line Ringing ] Hello.
This is Vincent Price.
[ Gasps ] It's Vincent Price! I thought he was dead.
You should know the grave could never tame me.
[ Sinister Laughter] Oh, Mr.
Price.
I loved you in The Abominable Doc- If you are calling about the missing feet, leave your address and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson Jody.
And now I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt.
But I'll be back.
[ Sinister Laughter ] So, is he alive or not? - [ Machine Beeps ] - 7 42 Evergreen Terrace.
Springfield- ''Oh, hiya,'' Maude.
Come on in.
Who needs tickets? Tickets, right here.
How 'bout you, slick? Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl.
Have you no shame, sir? I should give you a royal caning.
[ All Shouting Agreement ] Hey, I'm just trying to make an honest buck.
Ah, get lost, you bloodsucking parasite.
Wally and I have all the tickets we need.
Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit.
- What? - Counterfeit? Yeah, see, the hologram's missing and there's no such team as the Spungos and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker.
Stop eating our tickets! Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets? Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen.
Yes, if by ''crestfallen'' you mean ''kill us''.
Listen, let me talk to them.
Maybe I can smooth this over.
My friends- - They don't have the tickets! - Kill 'em! My friends- Ow! All right, I'll get you into the game! Excuse me, uh, Mr.
Scalper, sir.
Have I told you that I love you? Forget it.
You'll just hurt me like all the others.
Okay, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat.
Reverend Lovejoy was working the body.
Wait.
Dad, look! Hello.
Gentlemen, I have an idea.
- Run! - [ All Cheering ] - Get back here! - We can still make the kickoff.
- Here comes the kick.
- [ Cheer Building Up ] - Ow! - [ All ] Yea! As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough.
But as a football fan- - [ Cheer Building Up ] - [ Screams ] [ Wind Gusting ] [ Honking ] ##[ Rock ] [ Man Over TV] The Catholic Church- we've made a few changes: These Super Bowl commercials are weird.
[ Man ]Just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami.
I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator.
- And now the fans are screaming for more.
- [ Screaming ] - Let us out of here! - Relax, Simpson.
Relax.
A little-known fact about jail cells is they always have one phony bar for, like, emergencies.
Real.
Real.
Real.
Real.
Real.
So by the process of elimination, this one is the fake.
[ Groaning ] That's painful.
[ Crowd Cheering On TV] Ah, nuts.
That sounds like a touchdown.
- [ All Moaning ] - No, no, no.
I know my roars.
And that was most definitely a safety.
- [ All Moaning ] - Oh, man! Gosh, fellas, to see you all stuck in here when even guys in China can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you well, I just feel pretty doggone bad.
If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me.
- You got my vote.
- We're never gonna get out of- Psst, cleaning lady.
Would you let us out of here? - Me? I'm Dolly Parton.
- I didn't ask for your life story.
Just give me the key.
Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say ''please.
'' And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump.
- Dolly, wait! - Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah.
I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood.
- That's in Alabama.
- Wally Kogen! What are you doing in Super Bowl jail? - Ask her if she'll go out with me.
- We had a little ticket snafu.
Do you think you can bust old Wally and his pals outta the pokey? Well, I do have some of my extra-strength makeup remover.
Shield your eyes.
[ Excited Murmuring ] - Thanks, Miss Parton.
- [ Barney ] Way to go, Dolly.
- [ Bart ] Thanks, babe.
- Will you go out with me? Oh, look at the time.
I better scoot to that halftime show.
See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show.
Who's ready for some football? Football! ##[ Upbeat Rock ] Hey, Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour.
- Where the hell's the game? - [ All Murmuring Agreement ] You guys are following me? I was following Flanders.
Hey, look what I found.
- Whoa! - [ Excited Murmuring ] - Hey! - [ Crowd Cheering ] - Hey, somebody just scored.
- [ Homer] Coming in a minute.
- [ Chattering ] - [ Belches ] [ Homer] Hey, it's the beer copter! - What the bloody hell? - Hit the road, gramps.
This is a private skybox.
I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant.
And this is my skybox.
If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it.
- [ Whispering ] - [ Whispering ] - ##[ Fanfare ] - [ Crowd ] Hi, Rupert! - [ All ] Uh-oh.
- Well, I'm convinced.
Tell you what, Mr.
Murdoch.
Let's just split the difference.
The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks- Silence! - Seize them! - [ Gasping ] Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! [ Crowd Cheering ] The game! We're so close.
Follow me, boys.
We're finally going to the Super- [ Screams ] - [ Player] We did it! We're number one! - We're rich! - How does it feel? - Did you ever stop believing? Does this suit make me look fat? - Players and V.
I.
P.
s only.
- [ All Moan ] I can't believe it.
We're actually in the winning locker room.
Whoo! I'm going to Disneyland! Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things.
- [ All Grunting ] - Let go! - [ Ringing ] - Y'ello? - Hello.
This is President Clinton.
- Hey, how you doing? Your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration.
- The whole country is proud of you.
- Well, it's about time! And on behalf of America, I'd like to- Ow! All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it.
Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello? Al, do you have to do that right now? What are you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl? I'll probably give it to my wife.
It's our anniversary today.
[ All Sighing ] Dad, that doesn't belong to you.
But this might be my last chance to win one.
We sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer.
Ever thought about being a travel agent? Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't.
'Cause you can really ''go places'' in the travel business.
- Huh? Feel free to use that one.
- What one? Well,John, what did you think of tonight's episode? I loved it.
The last-minute addition of Wally Kogen to the lineup was a bit of a gamble, but it really paid off.
Marge and Lisa painting eggs- did that work for you? Oh, big-time! They came off the bench with a huge effort that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains.
Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton we didn't see any football or singing? I hadn't thought about it, Pat.
But in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off.
What a way to treat the loyal fans who've put up with so much nonsense from this franchise.
- Any final thoughts? - Nah, I'm too mad.
Let's get the heck out of here.
All aboard, boys.
I've been waiting for you.
Now, I'll tell you- that doesn't make a lick of sense! I know.
Just get on the bus.
- [ Gears Grinding ] - [ Price ] Where's that infernal clutch? - Wait, wait.
I'll get it.
- [ Boy ] Give it some gas, Grandpa.
Oh, quiet,Jody.
You're not helping.
##[ Rock ] ##[ Instrumental Easy Listening ] [ Rupert Murdoch ] Silence.
!
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The Simpsons s10e13 Episode Script
Homer to the Max
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Humming ] [ Man Announcing ] The start of television's second-most exciting season- mid-season- is just 200 exciting seconds away! - Door? - Locked.
- Phone? - Unplugged.
- Dog? Cat? - Taped and corked.
- Ooh! - [ Homer, Bart Laughing ] [ Announcer ] And at 9:30, All in the Family 1 999.
Oh, geez there.
They got me livin' with an African-American a Semite-American and a woman-American there! And I'm glad! I love youse all! I love everybody! I wish I'd saved my money from the first show.
Oh, I can't wait.
Look, Marge.
I had a scorecard printed up at that all-night scorecard place.
Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years.
This year's shows are classics.
There's The Laughter Family.
That's animated.
Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! [ Altered Voice ] Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference.
[ Announcer] And now mid-season kicks off with Admiral Baby.
Yee-hee-hee! We're taking the entire 6th Fleet to Candy Island? - Those are the admiral's orders.
- [ Babbling ] [ Canned Laughter] [ Groans ] It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral.
Gee! I never thought I'd say this about a TV show but this is kind of stupid.
Hey! Police Cops.
That sounds like a lethal combination.
Let's get this bank back to our hideout, and we'll break into it later.
- [ Siren Wailing ] - It's the cops! Worse.
The police cops.
[ Grunting ] [ Shouts ] [ Screams ] - This isn't bad.
- Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better.
- The Renaissance.
- This is better.
- [ Grunts ] - Let's book 'em and roll.
And that's the end of that chapter.
You men saved my bank.
[ Chuckles ] I'd like to donate $40 to charity in your honor.
But, uh, I don't know your names.
- Lance Kaufman.
- Simpson.
Detective Homer Simpson.
[ Gasps ] His name's like my name! - [ Giggling ] - Ooh! [ Chuckling ] I don't get it, Homer.
You're a millionaire, and you've got all the babes you want.
Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe? Well, let's just say I hate crime.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Gunshot ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Gasps ] Arrest that guy.
And that's the end of that chapter.
Wow! They've captured my personality perfectly.
- Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet? - That's not really you, Dad.
He's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name.
Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa.
Homer, it's just a coincidence like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo.
Right.
Coincidence.
[ Rings ] Another person wants to congratulate you for having a famous name.
Y'ello.
Yes, this is the original Homer Simpson.
Who's this? The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available.
No, he's not! Marge, that was Debbie Pinson! Debbie Pinson! - No dating! - [ Groans ] -[ Bird Cawing ] - Hey, Homer.
Homer, check it out! - Bottom of page 1 2.
- ''Local man has same name.
''A TV character has the same name as Springfield resident Homer Simpson.
'' - Hey, you're famous! - And that's the end of that chapter.
- [ Chuckling ] - Wow! Mr.
Simpson, sir, can I get your autograph? - All right.
What's the name? - Homer, we've worked together for 1 0 years.
It's Carl.
You only wrote my name.
Um, I wanted yours.
Take it or leave it, ''Carl.
'' So, uh, what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight, Homer? Mmm.
Who knows? Maybe I'll have to foil an assassination.
Or stop a peace conference.
So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh? Yup.
Right down to the scarf.
- [ Crowd Gasping ] - [ Moe ] Ooh, there it is.
! [ Dramatic Music On TV] [ Grunts ] Nice beating, Lance.
Especially around the eyes.
It- Say, where's your partner? Where's Homer Simpson? Coming, Chief!.
[ Gasping ] Oh.
! Now what have you done, Simpson? I was supervising the Guns for Toys program.
It's Toys for Guns.
! Now you tell me.
Oh! Simpson! [ Laughing ] Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson.
He's fat and stupid.
Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick.
No.
No, he can't be! I know.
Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots.
Yeah, th-that's gotta be it.
You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! - That was my insulin! - Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! - [ Chief] Simpson! - [ Groans ] Hey, Homer.
That character is you all over.
Come on, Homer.
Act all stupid, like you do on TV.
Yeah, come on, dum-dum.
Do something unintelligent there.
- [ Laughing ] - Shut up! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me! Gentlemen, I bid you fare- [ Gasps ] - [ Shouting ] - [ Laughing ] - [ Blubbering, Screams ] -[ Tires Screech, Crashing ] [ Homer ] Ow.
! Ow.
! Geez.
What an exit.
Oh, man.
What's he gonna do for an encore? Whoo.
I don't think he'll be doin' no encores for a while.
[ Laughing ] I can't understand what happened.
Why did they change Homer Simpson's character from cool to stupid? The first episode was just a pilot, Dad.
Producers fiddle with shows all the time.
They change characters, drop others and push some into the background.
- [ Horn Honking ] - Your character provides the comic relief like, oh, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.
Wish I hadn't bought a hundred of these.
[ Bird Cawing ] [ Lenny Whispering ] Get ready, everybody.
He's about to do something stupid.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about- - D'oh! - [ Laughing ] -[ Lenny ] There goes Albany.
! - Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! - [ Laughing ] - Oh, man.
[ Horn Honking ] - Whoa! It's that Homer Simpson dude.
- Ha-ha! People are laughing at me, Marge.
Let's get out of here.
Forget the baby's medicine! But her forehead's on fire! Fine.
I'll be in the car, driving home.
Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[ Grunts ] Ah, yeah, that got it.
- That's Homer Simpson.
- Hey, that's Homer Simpson! [ Chattering ] Your catchphrase is hysterical.
Please say it clearly for my answering machine tape.
Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs.
Worst reading ever.
- How 'bout an autograph? - Picture, mister? - [ Babbling ] - Come on, people! Enough is enough! Oh, it's never enough.
Not for them.
Once they get a taste of you, they want more and more and more! That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly? Okay.
[ Grunts ] Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off.
You got another one in you,Josh? [ Squeaking ] The whole town's laughing at me.
Even that cat out there.
- Bart, kill that cat! - [ Bart ] Okay.
! And that big yellow flower! Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me.
Why don't you talk to the producers of the show? Maybe they'll make your character suave again.
Hmm.
I guess I could.
But while I'm gone keep an eye on that weird-lookin' kid down there.
- Bart? - Yeah.
''Bart.
'' [ Clears Throat ] Uh- So I just wanna know, how come you made your Homer Simpson character so- Stupid? [ Laughing ] - Well, I can assure you, it happened organically.
- It better have! The 1 3 of us began with a singular vision- Titanic meets Frasier.
But then we found out that ABC had a similar project in development with Annie Potts and Jeremy Piven.
- Who's Jeremy Piven? - We don't know.
But it scared the hell out of us, so we slapped together a cop show instead.
- Police Cops.
- Uh, no, actually, it was called Badge Patrol.
The network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams.
So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge? - Police.
- Cops.
Police Cops.
Yeah, but why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid? Oh, he's not stupid.
He's a street-smart fish out of water in a world he never made.
I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back! - [ All ] Mm-hmm.
- D'oh! Let me down, Chief.
I'm beggin' ya! I'm a human being.
Let me have my dignity back! [ Screaming ] Ow! - Now he's stupid and whiny.
- That does it! There's only one thing I can do.
Your Honor, I'd like to sue the producers of Police Cops for $20 million for improper use of my name.
Court finds in favor of Police Cops.
Next case.
[ Grumbling ] Then I'd like to legally change my name.
- What name would you prefer? - Any of these will be fine.
Hmm.
''Hercules Rockefeller.
Rembrandt Q.
Einstein.
Handsome B.
Wonderful.
'' Oh! I'm going to give you the only name you spelled correctly.
From this day forward, your name shall be- - ''Max Power''? - Dynamic, isn't it? - I love it, Max.
- You changed your name without consulting me? That's the way Max Power is, Marge- decisive, uncompromising and rude.
Oh, wait a minute! The family name is my legacy to you! I got it from my father, and he got it from his father.
And he traded a mule for it.
And that mule went on to save spring break.
But this will be so confusing.
The mailman won't know what to do.
- Did you think of the mailman at all before you did this? - Yes.
Briefly.
And what about the tattoo on my you-know-what? Oh, honey, they have acids that can burn that off.
[ Grunts ] But I fell in love with Homer Simpson.
I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Nobody snuggles with Max Power.
- You strap yourself in and feel the G's! - Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom.
Oh, no.
I'm taking charge.
Kids, there's three ways to do things- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way.
- Isn't that the wrong way? - Yeah, but faster! - D'oh! - We should really put that in the corner.
[ Singing ] [ Continues ] [ Ends ] Ah! Max Power! How's every little thing? You remembered my name! Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? - Keep up the good work, Max.
- Mr.
Power.
Yes, of course.
Mr.
Power.
[ Bell Dinging ] So I want the monogram to read M-A-X P-O-W- Sir, traditionally, a monogram is just initials.
Max Power doesn't abbreviate.
Each letter is as important as the one that preceded it.
Maybe more important.
No, as important.
Very well.
If you've got enough room, add some exclamation points and a pirate flag.
- The man knows what he likes.
-Just taking care of business.
If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel.
Homer Simp- Uh, Max Power.
Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.
[ Laughing ] I like a man who can poke fun at himself.
Ooh, hey, my 1 :00 canceled.
Have you had any lunch? Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
- So where to eat? You like Thai? - Tie good.
You like shirt? Marge, this is Thai food.
From now on, I want it morning, noon and night.
When did you start liking Thai food? - When Trent Steel bought me some.
- Who's Trent Steel? He's Max Power's oldest and dearest friend.
What's this wrapped in a banana leaf? [ Sniffs ] Mmm.
Smells like mint.
- Oh, I spit my gum in there.
- Eww.
Where'd you meet this Trent Steel- Moe's? No way! This guy's a winner.
He has a company that makes computers, or a computer that makes companies.
- You wouldn't understand.
- Well, I guess your new name is really opening doors for you.
For all of us.
Look! ''You are invited to a garden party this Saturday.
'' This is our chance to rub elbows with Springfield's young, hip power couples.
- Like me and Debbie Pinson.
- [ Groans ] Wow! Look at this place.
The house number is spelled out with letters.
Get used to it, honey.
From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.
Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you? - Nah,just park it.
- [ Chuckles ] Very well.
And I counted the pennies in the ashtray! [Jazz ] Ooh, look! It's Woody Harrelson! [ Laughing ] I can't believe those pants are made entirely out of hemp.
And there's Ed BegleyJr.
And this one solar collector can gather enough energy to run this colorful pinwheel.
- [ Squeaking ] - [ Laughter ] Wait.
Wait.
I got it.
I got it.
-[ Laughter Continues ] - Very nice, Ed.
Your inventions continue to impress me and the entire nation.
Marge! President Clinton! Oh, my Lord! - I feel like Cinderella.
- Me too.
- Let's sing the Cinderella song.
- Eh, maybe later.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Lorne Michaels.
Pretend you don't see him.
Oh, Max Power.
Trent said I absolutely must meet you.
This is fabu- Anyway, Marge, uh, how do you feel about the economy? So I said, ''If this is the House of Pancakes, how come I can't eat the walls?'' [ Laughing ] Oh, you are too much, Max.
I thought I knew all the players in Springfield.
Where have you been hiding yourself? Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch.
- Tell me about it.
- Haven't we all? ##[ Band: Upbeat ] I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are.
Hell, I've done it with pigs.
[ Chuckles ] Real no-foolin' pigs.
Are you sure it's a federal law that I have to dance with you? You know, I'd change that law if I could, Marge, but I can't.
- [ Whispering ] - Aw, shoot.
Quebec's got the bomb.
Well, I gotta go, but, look, if you're ever near the White House there's a toolshed out back.
I'm in there most of the day.
[ Clicks Tongue ] Attention, please.
Attention.
Um, I just wanna say how thrilled I am with this turnout.
I'm proud to share my home with Springfield's best and brightest.
Hey, no problem! We've all been blessed with privilege and success.
Whoo! Privilege! - Uh, but with privilege comes grave responsibility.
- [ Spits ] What? We all have to give something back to the world that's been so good to us.
Give something back? Boo! Get a haircut! I'm talking, of course, about our endangered forests.
- [ Murmuring Agreement ] - Happy little forest.
We have to protect them because trees can't protect themselves.
Except, of course, the Mexican fighting trees.
Somebody buy this guy a tree so he'll shut up! Can we let the wanton destruction of our nation's forests continue? - [ All ] No! - If a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound? - [ All ] Yes! - To the protest bus! - [ Cheering ] - Hey, stop shoving! I'm Max Power! What's going on, Trent? Where are you taking me? We're going to try and save some beautiful redwoods.
[ Screaming ] - Aren't you coming, Ed? - I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth.
It's a go-cart powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
[ Motors Idling ] Oh, this is the worst party ever.
I don't know.
Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.
Oh, Marge, I thought it would be fun to be on Springfield's A-list but these people are nuts.
You can't blame them for having a social conscience.
Sure you can.
Bunch of no-good do-gooders.
Hang in there, Max.
Saving the environment is a hard, grueling job.
That's what I'm saying.
See, Marge? This guy gets it.
[ Siren Wailing ] All right.
What's going on here? We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have.
[ Laughing ] Tree huggers.
- Something funny, nature boy? - No.
- I just thought it was cute when you called him- - All right, Max Power.
Eddie, swab this joker's eyes with Mace.
''Swab''? I thought it was a spray.
- Okay.
She's second.
- [ Gasps ] Hmm? [ Whimpering ] Don't give 'em the satisfaction of screaming, Max.
- It'll only burn for- - [ Screams, Gasping ] - Hey, hold still.
- Keep running, Max.
- I can't lose him! - Help him out, Lou.
- [ Whimpering ] - Uh, you better call for backup, Chief.
Leave me alone! Go swab Begley.
He likes it.
[ Lou ] Slow down, punk! Uh-oh.
- I'm free! Whoo-hoo! - [ Shrieks ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Gasps ] [ Screaming Continues ] Oh, no! [ Siren Wailing Weakly, Honks ] Oh, what a tragedy.
That car was just two days away from retirement.
- [ All Groaning ] - This is terrible.
Um- So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now? Well, I'm glad you changed your name back to Homer Simpson.
Yes.
I learned you gotta be yourself.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
Oh, I almost forgot.
While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name.
- To what? - Chesty LaRue.
- Chesty LaRue? -Just try it for two weeks.
If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St.
Clair.
I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St.
Claire.
- Fine.
Hooty McBoob it is.
- Good night, Homer.
Sleep tight, Hooty.
- Let go of those.
! - [ Chuckling ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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The Simpsons s10e13 Episode Script
Homer to the Max
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Humming ] [ Man Announcing ] The start of television's second-most exciting season- mid-season- is just 200 exciting seconds away! - Door? - Locked.
- Phone? - Unplugged.
- Dog? Cat? - Taped and corked.
- Ooh! - [ Homer, Bart Laughing ] [ Announcer ] And at 9:30, All in the Family 1 999.
Oh, geez there.
They got me livin' with an African-American a Semite-American and a woman-American there! And I'm glad! I love youse all! I love everybody! I wish I'd saved my money from the first show.
Oh, I can't wait.
Look, Marge.
I had a scorecard printed up at that all-night scorecard place.
Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years.
This year's shows are classics.
There's The Laughter Family.
That's animated.
Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! [ Altered Voice ] Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference.
[ Announcer] And now mid-season kicks off with Admiral Baby.
Yee-hee-hee! We're taking the entire 6th Fleet to Candy Island? - Those are the admiral's orders.
- [ Babbling ] [ Canned Laughter] [ Groans ] It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral.
Gee! I never thought I'd say this about a TV show but this is kind of stupid.
Hey! Police Cops.
That sounds like a lethal combination.
Let's get this bank back to our hideout, and we'll break into it later.
- [ Siren Wailing ] - It's the cops! Worse.
The police cops.
[ Grunting ] [ Shouts ] [ Screams ] - This isn't bad.
- Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better.
- The Renaissance.
- This is better.
- [ Grunts ] - Let's book 'em and roll.
And that's the end of that chapter.
You men saved my bank.
[ Chuckles ] I'd like to donate $40 to charity in your honor.
But, uh, I don't know your names.
- Lance Kaufman.
- Simpson.
Detective Homer Simpson.
[ Gasps ] His name's like my name! - [ Giggling ] - Ooh! [ Chuckling ] I don't get it, Homer.
You're a millionaire, and you've got all the babes you want.
Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe? Well, let's just say I hate crime.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Gunshot ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Gasps ] Arrest that guy.
And that's the end of that chapter.
Wow! They've captured my personality perfectly.
- Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet? - That's not really you, Dad.
He's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name.
Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa.
Homer, it's just a coincidence like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo.
Right.
Coincidence.
[ Rings ] Another person wants to congratulate you for having a famous name.
Y'ello.
Yes, this is the original Homer Simpson.
Who's this? The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available.
No, he's not! Marge, that was Debbie Pinson! Debbie Pinson! - No dating! - [ Groans ] -[ Bird Cawing ] - Hey, Homer.
Homer, check it out! - Bottom of page 1 2.
- ''Local man has same name.
''A TV character has the same name as Springfield resident Homer Simpson.
'' - Hey, you're famous! - And that's the end of that chapter.
- [ Chuckling ] - Wow! Mr.
Simpson, sir, can I get your autograph? - All right.
What's the name? - Homer, we've worked together for 1 0 years.
It's Carl.
You only wrote my name.
Um, I wanted yours.
Take it or leave it, ''Carl.
'' So, uh, what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight, Homer? Mmm.
Who knows? Maybe I'll have to foil an assassination.
Or stop a peace conference.
So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh? Yup.
Right down to the scarf.
- [ Crowd Gasping ] - [ Moe ] Ooh, there it is.
! [ Dramatic Music On TV] [ Grunts ] Nice beating, Lance.
Especially around the eyes.
It- Say, where's your partner? Where's Homer Simpson? Coming, Chief!.
[ Gasping ] Oh.
! Now what have you done, Simpson? I was supervising the Guns for Toys program.
It's Toys for Guns.
! Now you tell me.
Oh! Simpson! [ Laughing ] Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson.
He's fat and stupid.
Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick.
No.
No, he can't be! I know.
Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots.
Yeah, th-that's gotta be it.
You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! - That was my insulin! - Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! - [ Chief] Simpson! - [ Groans ] Hey, Homer.
That character is you all over.
Come on, Homer.
Act all stupid, like you do on TV.
Yeah, come on, dum-dum.
Do something unintelligent there.
- [ Laughing ] - Shut up! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me! Gentlemen, I bid you fare- [ Gasps ] - [ Shouting ] - [ Laughing ] - [ Blubbering, Screams ] -[ Tires Screech, Crashing ] [ Homer ] Ow.
! Ow.
! Geez.
What an exit.
Oh, man.
What's he gonna do for an encore? Whoo.
I don't think he'll be doin' no encores for a while.
[ Laughing ] I can't understand what happened.
Why did they change Homer Simpson's character from cool to stupid? The first episode was just a pilot, Dad.
Producers fiddle with shows all the time.
They change characters, drop others and push some into the background.
- [ Horn Honking ] - Your character provides the comic relief like, oh, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.
Wish I hadn't bought a hundred of these.
[ Bird Cawing ] [ Lenny Whispering ] Get ready, everybody.
He's about to do something stupid.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about- - D'oh! - [ Laughing ] -[ Lenny ] There goes Albany.
! - Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! - [ Laughing ] - Oh, man.
[ Horn Honking ] - Whoa! It's that Homer Simpson dude.
- Ha-ha! People are laughing at me, Marge.
Let's get out of here.
Forget the baby's medicine! But her forehead's on fire! Fine.
I'll be in the car, driving home.
Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[ Grunts ] Ah, yeah, that got it.
- That's Homer Simpson.
- Hey, that's Homer Simpson! [ Chattering ] Your catchphrase is hysterical.
Please say it clearly for my answering machine tape.
Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs.
Worst reading ever.
- How 'bout an autograph? - Picture, mister? - [ Babbling ] - Come on, people! Enough is enough! Oh, it's never enough.
Not for them.
Once they get a taste of you, they want more and more and more! That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly? Okay.
[ Grunts ] Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off.
You got another one in you,Josh? [ Squeaking ] The whole town's laughing at me.
Even that cat out there.
- Bart, kill that cat! - [ Bart ] Okay.
! And that big yellow flower! Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me.
Why don't you talk to the producers of the show? Maybe they'll make your character suave again.
Hmm.
I guess I could.
But while I'm gone keep an eye on that weird-lookin' kid down there.
- Bart? - Yeah.
''Bart.
'' [ Clears Throat ] Uh- So I just wanna know, how come you made your Homer Simpson character so- Stupid? [ Laughing ] - Well, I can assure you, it happened organically.
- It better have! The 1 3 of us began with a singular vision- Titanic meets Frasier.
But then we found out that ABC had a similar project in development with Annie Potts and Jeremy Piven.
- Who's Jeremy Piven? - We don't know.
But it scared the hell out of us, so we slapped together a cop show instead.
- Police Cops.
- Uh, no, actually, it was called Badge Patrol.
The network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams.
So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge? - Police.
- Cops.
Police Cops.
Yeah, but why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid? Oh, he's not stupid.
He's a street-smart fish out of water in a world he never made.
I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back! - [ All ] Mm-hmm.
- D'oh! Let me down, Chief.
I'm beggin' ya! I'm a human being.
Let me have my dignity back! [ Screaming ] Ow! - Now he's stupid and whiny.
- That does it! There's only one thing I can do.
Your Honor, I'd like to sue the producers of Police Cops for $20 million for improper use of my name.
Court finds in favor of Police Cops.
Next case.
[ Grumbling ] Then I'd like to legally change my name.
- What name would you prefer? - Any of these will be fine.
Hmm.
''Hercules Rockefeller.
Rembrandt Q.
Einstein.
Handsome B.
Wonderful.
'' Oh! I'm going to give you the only name you spelled correctly.
From this day forward, your name shall be- - ''Max Power''? - Dynamic, isn't it? - I love it, Max.
- You changed your name without consulting me? That's the way Max Power is, Marge- decisive, uncompromising and rude.
Oh, wait a minute! The family name is my legacy to you! I got it from my father, and he got it from his father.
And he traded a mule for it.
And that mule went on to save spring break.
But this will be so confusing.
The mailman won't know what to do.
- Did you think of the mailman at all before you did this? - Yes.
Briefly.
And what about the tattoo on my you-know-what? Oh, honey, they have acids that can burn that off.
[ Grunts ] But I fell in love with Homer Simpson.
I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Nobody snuggles with Max Power.
- You strap yourself in and feel the G's! - Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom.
Oh, no.
I'm taking charge.
Kids, there's three ways to do things- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way.
- Isn't that the wrong way? - Yeah, but faster! - D'oh! - We should really put that in the corner.
[ Singing ] [ Continues ] [ Ends ] Ah! Max Power! How's every little thing? You remembered my name! Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? - Keep up the good work, Max.
- Mr.
Power.
Yes, of course.
Mr.
Power.
[ Bell Dinging ] So I want the monogram to read M-A-X P-O-W- Sir, traditionally, a monogram is just initials.
Max Power doesn't abbreviate.
Each letter is as important as the one that preceded it.
Maybe more important.
No, as important.
Very well.
If you've got enough room, add some exclamation points and a pirate flag.
- The man knows what he likes.
-Just taking care of business.
If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel.
Homer Simp- Uh, Max Power.
Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.
[ Laughing ] I like a man who can poke fun at himself.
Ooh, hey, my 1 :00 canceled.
Have you had any lunch? Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
- So where to eat? You like Thai? - Tie good.
You like shirt? Marge, this is Thai food.
From now on, I want it morning, noon and night.
When did you start liking Thai food? - When Trent Steel bought me some.
- Who's Trent Steel? He's Max Power's oldest and dearest friend.
What's this wrapped in a banana leaf? [ Sniffs ] Mmm.
Smells like mint.
- Oh, I spit my gum in there.
- Eww.
Where'd you meet this Trent Steel- Moe's? No way! This guy's a winner.
He has a company that makes computers, or a computer that makes companies.
- You wouldn't understand.
- Well, I guess your new name is really opening doors for you.
For all of us.
Look! ''You are invited to a garden party this Saturday.
'' This is our chance to rub elbows with Springfield's young, hip power couples.
- Like me and Debbie Pinson.
- [ Groans ] Wow! Look at this place.
The house number is spelled out with letters.
Get used to it, honey.
From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.
Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you? - Nah,just park it.
- [ Chuckles ] Very well.
And I counted the pennies in the ashtray! [Jazz ] Ooh, look! It's Woody Harrelson! [ Laughing ] I can't believe those pants are made entirely out of hemp.
And there's Ed BegleyJr.
And this one solar collector can gather enough energy to run this colorful pinwheel.
- [ Squeaking ] - [ Laughter ] Wait.
Wait.
I got it.
I got it.
-[ Laughter Continues ] - Very nice, Ed.
Your inventions continue to impress me and the entire nation.
Marge! President Clinton! Oh, my Lord! - I feel like Cinderella.
- Me too.
- Let's sing the Cinderella song.
- Eh, maybe later.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Lorne Michaels.
Pretend you don't see him.
Oh, Max Power.
Trent said I absolutely must meet you.
This is fabu- Anyway, Marge, uh, how do you feel about the economy? So I said, ''If this is the House of Pancakes, how come I can't eat the walls?'' [ Laughing ] Oh, you are too much, Max.
I thought I knew all the players in Springfield.
Where have you been hiding yourself? Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch.
- Tell me about it.
- Haven't we all? ##[ Band: Upbeat ] I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are.
Hell, I've done it with pigs.
[ Chuckles ] Real no-foolin' pigs.
Are you sure it's a federal law that I have to dance with you? You know, I'd change that law if I could, Marge, but I can't.
- [ Whispering ] - Aw, shoot.
Quebec's got the bomb.
Well, I gotta go, but, look, if you're ever near the White House there's a toolshed out back.
I'm in there most of the day.
[ Clicks Tongue ] Attention, please.
Attention.
Um, I just wanna say how thrilled I am with this turnout.
I'm proud to share my home with Springfield's best and brightest.
Hey, no problem! We've all been blessed with privilege and success.
Whoo! Privilege! - Uh, but with privilege comes grave responsibility.
- [ Spits ] What? We all have to give something back to the world that's been so good to us.
Give something back? Boo! Get a haircut! I'm talking, of course, about our endangered forests.
- [ Murmuring Agreement ] - Happy little forest.
We have to protect them because trees can't protect themselves.
Except, of course, the Mexican fighting trees.
Somebody buy this guy a tree so he'll shut up! Can we let the wanton destruction of our nation's forests continue? - [ All ] No! - If a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound? - [ All ] Yes! - To the protest bus! - [ Cheering ] - Hey, stop shoving! I'm Max Power! What's going on, Trent? Where are you taking me? We're going to try and save some beautiful redwoods.
[ Screaming ] - Aren't you coming, Ed? - I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth.
It's a go-cart powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
[ Motors Idling ] Oh, this is the worst party ever.
I don't know.
Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.
Oh, Marge, I thought it would be fun to be on Springfield's A-list but these people are nuts.
You can't blame them for having a social conscience.
Sure you can.
Bunch of no-good do-gooders.
Hang in there, Max.
Saving the environment is a hard, grueling job.
That's what I'm saying.
See, Marge? This guy gets it.
[ Siren Wailing ] All right.
What's going on here? We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have.
[ Laughing ] Tree huggers.
- Something funny, nature boy? - No.
- I just thought it was cute when you called him- - All right, Max Power.
Eddie, swab this joker's eyes with Mace.
''Swab''? I thought it was a spray.
- Okay.
She's second.
- [ Gasps ] Hmm? [ Whimpering ] Don't give 'em the satisfaction of screaming, Max.
- It'll only burn for- - [ Screams, Gasping ] - Hey, hold still.
- Keep running, Max.
- I can't lose him! - Help him out, Lou.
- [ Whimpering ] - Uh, you better call for backup, Chief.
Leave me alone! Go swab Begley.
He likes it.
[ Lou ] Slow down, punk! Uh-oh.
- I'm free! Whoo-hoo! - [ Shrieks ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Gasps ] [ Screaming Continues ] Oh, no! [ Siren Wailing Weakly, Honks ] Oh, what a tragedy.
That car was just two days away from retirement.
- [ All Groaning ] - This is terrible.
Um- So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now? Well, I'm glad you changed your name back to Homer Simpson.
Yes.
I learned you gotta be yourself.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
Oh, I almost forgot.
While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name.
- To what? - Chesty LaRue.
- Chesty LaRue? -Just try it for two weeks.
If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St.
Clair.
I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St.
Claire.
- Fine.
Hooty McBoob it is.
- Good night, Homer.
Sleep tight, Hooty.
- Let go of those.
! - [ Chuckling ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  I'm With Cupid
The Simpsons s10e14 Episode Script
I'm With Cupid
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] And then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad.
But the evil ogre- Barney- had left the men's room in the most wicked condition.
So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley- That's not a fairy tale.
It's just something that happened to you at Moe's.
Shh, shh, shh! Anyway, the prince passed out for 1 00 years until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.
And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do which distract attention from stuff I'm doing.
- Amen.
- He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord.
- Good save, Mom.
Night.
- Sweet dreams, honey.
Uh, Mom? Will you help me with my project? I need to make a working model of the digestive system.
- Of course, honey.
- Thanks.
It's due tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Well, that's too bad, mister.
I'm not gonna bail you out this time.
You're right, Mom.
I understand.
All right.
I'll get you the materials.
- But you're building it! - Okay.
Oh, I'll make the whole thing! [ Apu ] Okay.
Papier-mache mix, pipe cleaners pig intestines and sparkle paint.
You're a lifesaver, Apu.
- All the other stores are closed.
- [ Gasps ] At 1 1 :30? But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things.
Whoa! It's a living mirror.
Cool hat! Well, I'm glad you're always here.
But isn't it a little rough on your marriage? You know, Manjula understands.
I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg.
Well, when you have a free night, we'd love to have you two over for dinner.
Oh, please.
Do not be insane.
You hosted our wedding.
The least we can do is have you over for dinner.
It is payback time, and this time it's personal.
[ Grunts ] Wow.
! That looks great, Mom.
Some of your best work.
- [ Gurgling ] - Oh! It sounds so real.
I didn't turn it on yet.
[ Gurgling Continues ] Oh.
! I'm never eatin' chili again.
Ooh, chili! Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger.
Hey, you're wrecking it! What the- Look out! It's gonna blow! [ All Screaming ] - [ Explodes ] - [ All Groaning ] - I hope you're happy, Nelson.
- Very.
But I can't help wondering where I go from here.
Stop worrying, Apu.
The Kwik-E-Mart is in good hands.
I am not checking up on you, Sanjay.
I am simply asking you how many pennies you have left.
[ Gasps ] Seven? I'll be right there.
No, he won't.
Apu's entertaining tonight.
If you need pennies, take them from Jerry's jar.
- Oh! - This is why I married you.
Woof.
What an outfit.
- You are one ma-hot mama.
- You think so? I could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking.
Oh! Apu.
- [ Both Moaning ] - [ Doorbell Rings ] Maybe we should not answer it, huh? - [ Door Opens ] - Door's unlocked.
Oh! Marge, Homer.
Welcome.
- Yes, welcome.
- What a lovely home.
Oh, you are too kind, Marge.
I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
If anything, your home makes me ashamed of my home.
- Well, let us just say we both feel bad.
- Deal.
Who is your favorite Indian pop singer? Oh, don't make me choose.
Shankar, Shankar- Oh, here we go.
- ## [ Man Singing Rapidly ] - Oh! Sorry.
[ Man Singing ] Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry.
Mmm! This is delicious.
- What's in it? - Chickpeas, lentils and rice.
- And what's in this? - Chickpeas and lentils.
- Try it with rice.
- I'm so glad we were able to get together.
Well, you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work.
[ Snickers ] Oh, yeah.
Homer's a real go-getter.
[ Laughs ] Yeah.
I'm going right to the top.
- [ Both Laughing ] - [ Pager Beeping ] Hmm.
What's an ''eltdown''? Eh.
I don't understand, Marge.
- Doesn't Homer work a standard 1 8-hour day? - Eighteen hours? - Nobody works that hard.
- [ Clears Throat ] Mm-mmm! - Mm-mmm.
! - But he does work every day, right? Well, pretty much, except weekends.
Week-ends? Uh, say, who's up for a game of''keneshkanup''? [ Forced Chuckle ] You told me it was an American tradition to work all the time and never see your wife! Yes.
Perhaps I stretched the truth a bit.
But the Kwik-E-Mart, she is a harsh mistress.
I think you just don't want to see me! Maybe we should just close the door.
[ Speaking Foreign Language ] - [ Arguing Continues ] - Maybe we should leave.
Uh-uh.
No way.
I don't wanna miss a word.
- You don't know what they're saying.
- I'm picking it up.
''Sala'' seems to mean ''jerk'' and I think ''Manjula'' means some kind of spaceship.
Uh, this could take a while, folks.
Thank you.
Come again.
I hope we didn't get Apu in too much trouble.
Oh, they're newlyweds.
They'll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'.
- Oh, dear.
- Hmm! - [ Flipping Pages In Book ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honking ] - Either put that book down, or let me drive! Hey, they stole our idea.
See? Look.
- [ Marge ] Ooh.
! - [ Tires Screeching ] ''I cherish you, my precious.
'' Mmm- Nah.
''To a heck of a blacksmith.
'' Nah.
I already got him one.
''You're a-peeling.
Let's never split!'' [ Laughing ] That's funny, 'cause they're monkeys.
[ Laughing Continues ] So long, rejects.
[ Grunting ] Stupid cards.
[ Grunts ] Morning, Apu.
Still in hot water with the squaw? Worse than ever, I am afraid.
My shameful neglect has made her feel unloved.
Now I fear she will leave me.
Oh, she's not gonna leave you right before Valentine's Day.
That would be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.
[ Gasps ] Oh, you are right.
There are still seven days before Valentine's.
Ah.
Seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula.
[ Moaning ] Sweet mint julep.
I'll be at Moe's.
- [ Door Sensor Dings ] - Hmm.
[ Growling ] Come on, boy.
Come on.
! Dad, the vet says we shouldn't make him fetch the Sunday paper.
- [ Whimpers ] - Good dog! Good doggie! ''Tax Hike Approved''? Bad dog.
Bad, bad dog.
[ Whimpering ] Now to trim away the fat.
''Outlook?'' Eh! ''Vista?'' No.
''Spotlight?'' Eh! ''Mosaic?'' Eh! I'd love to look at ''Scullery Week'' if you're through with it.
Oh, sorry, Marge.
That's in my stockpile.
You can have this.
- This is about investment opportunities in Yemen.
- Give me that! All right! The personals.
Hmm.
## [ Humming ] ''Successful mayor type seeks open-minded discreet cheerleader type.
'' - Oh, that's sweet.
- Oh, here's one.
- ''Desperately seeking suction''- - Hey, look at this one! [ Gasps ] It's a poem.
[ Gasps ] From Apu! Well, don't just gasp.
Read it.
''My darling bride Manjula ''I hereby mend my ways.
''I'll shower you with valentines for seven love-filled days!'' Oh, how romantic.
I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
The only ad you took out was to sell our lawn mower.
We sold it, didn't we? - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] Until last night, I never knew Apu could be so romantic.
I can't believe it.
He covered your whole bed with wildflowers? Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you.
Well, sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets.
And he says I've got six more surprises coming.
I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield.
- [ Screeching ] - [ Screams ] - Oh! - ## [ Singing ] - ## [ Continues ] - Oh! He has trained a bird to sing to me.
Limo out front.
Tickets to opera, front row loge.
Oh!Just once I'd like a parrot to say that to me.
Then the bird sang ''I Love the Nightlife'' with clever new lyrics.
Yeah.
I hate that song.
I do too.
But it was sweet.
Women really like that sort of thing, Homie.
Don't worry, honey.
I got something really special planned for Valentine's Day.
It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it? Wouldn't you like to know.
[ Groans ] A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.
[ Apu ] Help.
! I can't breathe.
! - [ Gasping ] - Oh! Apu! Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.
Air.
I need air.
- Oh, Apu.
- Oh, Lord, my ears are filled with nougat! - Oh, dear! Oh, no.
- There's a nut in my eye.
''So then the second salesman says, 'That's okay.
I just ate all the hot buttered corn.
''' [ Snickering ] - You like that one, baby? - [ Groans ] Sarah, what's wrong? Usually, after two or three ''Truly Tasteless Jokes,'' you're all over me.
Manjula got to see La Boheme.
Sarah, please! Sarah, it's $1 0 a pill.
And so with Valentine's Day one day away all eyes are on the local Romeo whose seven-day gift-a-thon has been delighting his wife and ''entroubulating'' the rest of us.
Reverend Timothy Lovejoy says he's counseled a number of disenchanted wives, including Maude Flanders.
[ Chuckling ] Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours.
See, the problem's communication.
Too much communication.
Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.
But, Marge, it's worth it.
Look! The Taco Bell dog! Yo quiero- Hey, where'd it go? Here, boy! [ Whimpering ] You just don't get it.
[ Door Slams Shut ] - This Valentine's crap has gone too far! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] Edna won't even let me clap her erasers.
My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts! The gal I'm stalkin' had me bumped back to 200 feet.
- Aw, Moe! - That's too far.
! And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this? Well, I guess we are.
I suppose I do take Maude for granted.
- Yeah, I've done some of that myself.
- Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves but it's even easier to blame Apu! - He's making us look bad! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - [ Horse Whinnying ] - What's going on out there? Aw, geez.
He's got everything but the Shriners.
[ Horns Beeping ] Hey, watch it! You're all over the road! - We gotta stop that traitor Apu.
- [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - Right after happy hour! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - [ Barney ] I call side seat! - [ Moe ] Drinking will help us plan.
Come on, Apu.
Make your move.
- Maybe he's run out of romantic ideas.
- No, no, not our lover boy.
If I know his M.
O.
, he's saved the biggest one for today.
Aw, gee.
The man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her.
- How can we sabotage his labor of love? - I don't know.
Gasoline, axes.
I got some stuff in the trunk.
- Hey, there he goes! - Let's roll! - Uh, Homer, you're driving.
- Not yet I'm not! You'll know when I'm driving! And it'll- [ Screams ] Tiffany's, eh? It looks like Smoochie's gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head.
Aw, man.
He's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates.
Whoa, whoa! My rope came loose.
[ Wiggum ] There he is behind that shopping bag.
A croissant? What the- Oh, that's right.
- They have breakfast at Tiffany's now.
- Only till 1 1 :00.
[ No Audible Dialogue ] So that's it.
The crazy nut, he went and bought her a sloop! Well, this is one love boat that won't delight and amuse.
Wait, Chief.
He's not purchasing a boat.
Arr! It's kind of you to deliver these copies of Jugs.
They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality for about 1 0 minutes.
[ All Laughing ] - Look who's talkin'.
- Arr.
Well, this is turning out to be a total waste of time.
Not entirely.
Aw, geez.
We've been following him for hours.
You know, with all the energy we're putting into this sabotage thing we could've written sonnets for our wives or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique- Oh! [ Sighs ] Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair.
Man, that smarts! Oh, baby! We got him now! There's no escape from the airport.
Oh, nuts! We lost him.
I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking.
Hey, look! It's Elton John! We had to make an emergency landing.
It's that damn chandelier again.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Both Gasping ] What's he doing in Springfield? I got it.
I got it! Apu must've hired him to sing for Manjula.
Not if I can help it, and help it I might.
Mr.
John, I'm your biggest fan.
I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio.
Oh, that's very sweet.
- Have a Grammy.
- Uh- Sir Elton, my noble friends and I would like to dub you a Knight of the Grand Concourse.
Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again.
Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? Just get in the cage.
What- Oh.
Hazing the new guy, eh? You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the queen paddled me silly.
Hey, Apu's talkin' to a skywriter! So that was his plan all along.
If he writes a message of love over Springfield, we're all screwed.
Hello? Lads, don't forget your old pal Elton.
Can anyone hear me? Skycap? Okay, here is the message.
And please don't skimp on the- ''Sarin''? [ Chuckling ] Don't be frightened.
That tank's just peace corps surplus.
- Not so fast, Apu.
! - Homer.
What a delightful coincidence.
We're puttin' an end to your insane Valentine's rampage.
Never again will good, lazy men have to-What the- Oh, no, you don't! [ Gasping ] Hey, you with the scarf, stop skywriting! I have to deliver a message.
It's the skywriters' code.
I am so sick of that damn code! - [ Gasps ] - If you won't stop, then I'll stop you! - [ Grunting ] - What are you doin'? Don't do that! [ Marge ] Aw.
! Isn't that sweet? [ Sighs ] That must be for Manjula.
Just once I'd like a love note in the sky.
[ Chuckles ] [ Grunting ] Lousy message! Don't, you crazy fool! You'll kill us all! Correction: Kill us both! [ Grunting Continues ] ''I love you''- It's an angel.
! Oh, that's Neddie's pet name for me.
''I love you''- Poppin' Fresh.
Oh, Clancy! [ Chuckles ] ''I love you''- Edna K.
It's a little run together, but that's what it says! ''I love you''- Cactus? Blobbie? Upsilon? Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that.
- [ Plane Passing Overhead ] - Doggone it! You ruined my message! Ow! What's the matter with you, you crazy old buzzard? Get off me! You're making me mad! Ooh-wee! My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day massacre.
You think you've got problems? I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier.
[ Gasps ] Elton John? That's my name.
Well, not really.
- I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but- - [ Both Scream ] That maniac nearly killed us! Shall I take you to the pilot? [ Chuckles ] You see, because that is your song.
- I heard you.
- Yes, because someone saved your life tonight.
- [ Laughing ] - Cut it out! Well, well, the bitch is back.
- [ Laughing ] - Oh! [ Homer Screaming ] [ Groaning ] Oh, geez! Darn it! Why won't you die? [ Gasping ] Prickers! [ Screaming ] Huh? [ Gasps ] [ Grunting ] What? What in the world- [ Sighing ] Roses.
So many roses.
Just when I think I have you figured out, you fall from the sky with roses.
- Roses.
- Oh, Homie.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Oh, I'm gonna snuggle your brains out.
Well, I think I have a collapsed lung, but okay.
##[ Elton John Singing ] Oh.
Oh, I can't believe it.
You closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me.
Well, you and the health inspector.
[ Chuckles ] - Champagne Squishy? - Oh, thank you.
It should get you pretty darned hammered.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  I'm With Cupid
The Simpsons s10e14 Episode Script
I'm With Cupid
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] And then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad.
But the evil ogre- Barney- had left the men's room in the most wicked condition.
So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley- That's not a fairy tale.
It's just something that happened to you at Moe's.
Shh, shh, shh! Anyway, the prince passed out for 1 00 years until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.
And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do which distract attention from stuff I'm doing.
- Amen.
- He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord.
- Good save, Mom.
Night.
- Sweet dreams, honey.
Uh, Mom? Will you help me with my project? I need to make a working model of the digestive system.
- Of course, honey.
- Thanks.
It's due tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Well, that's too bad, mister.
I'm not gonna bail you out this time.
You're right, Mom.
I understand.
All right.
I'll get you the materials.
- But you're building it! - Okay.
Oh, I'll make the whole thing! [ Apu ] Okay.
Papier-mache mix, pipe cleaners pig intestines and sparkle paint.
You're a lifesaver, Apu.
- All the other stores are closed.
- [ Gasps ] At 1 1 :30? But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things.
Whoa! It's a living mirror.
Cool hat! Well, I'm glad you're always here.
But isn't it a little rough on your marriage? You know, Manjula understands.
I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg.
Well, when you have a free night, we'd love to have you two over for dinner.
Oh, please.
Do not be insane.
You hosted our wedding.
The least we can do is have you over for dinner.
It is payback time, and this time it's personal.
[ Grunts ] Wow.
! That looks great, Mom.
Some of your best work.
- [ Gurgling ] - Oh! It sounds so real.
I didn't turn it on yet.
[ Gurgling Continues ] Oh.
! I'm never eatin' chili again.
Ooh, chili! Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger.
Hey, you're wrecking it! What the- Look out! It's gonna blow! [ All Screaming ] - [ Explodes ] - [ All Groaning ] - I hope you're happy, Nelson.
- Very.
But I can't help wondering where I go from here.
Stop worrying, Apu.
The Kwik-E-Mart is in good hands.
I am not checking up on you, Sanjay.
I am simply asking you how many pennies you have left.
[ Gasps ] Seven? I'll be right there.
No, he won't.
Apu's entertaining tonight.
If you need pennies, take them from Jerry's jar.
- Oh! - This is why I married you.
Woof.
What an outfit.
- You are one ma-hot mama.
- You think so? I could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking.
Oh! Apu.
- [ Both Moaning ] - [ Doorbell Rings ] Maybe we should not answer it, huh? - [ Door Opens ] - Door's unlocked.
Oh! Marge, Homer.
Welcome.
- Yes, welcome.
- What a lovely home.
Oh, you are too kind, Marge.
I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
If anything, your home makes me ashamed of my home.
- Well, let us just say we both feel bad.
- Deal.
Who is your favorite Indian pop singer? Oh, don't make me choose.
Shankar, Shankar- Oh, here we go.
- ## [ Man Singing Rapidly ] - Oh! Sorry.
[ Man Singing ] Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry.
Mmm! This is delicious.
- What's in it? - Chickpeas, lentils and rice.
- And what's in this? - Chickpeas and lentils.
- Try it with rice.
- I'm so glad we were able to get together.
Well, you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work.
[ Snickers ] Oh, yeah.
Homer's a real go-getter.
[ Laughs ] Yeah.
I'm going right to the top.
- [ Both Laughing ] - [ Pager Beeping ] Hmm.
What's an ''eltdown''? Eh.
I don't understand, Marge.
- Doesn't Homer work a standard 1 8-hour day? - Eighteen hours? - Nobody works that hard.
- [ Clears Throat ] Mm-mmm! - Mm-mmm.
! - But he does work every day, right? Well, pretty much, except weekends.
Week-ends? Uh, say, who's up for a game of''keneshkanup''? [ Forced Chuckle ] You told me it was an American tradition to work all the time and never see your wife! Yes.
Perhaps I stretched the truth a bit.
But the Kwik-E-Mart, she is a harsh mistress.
I think you just don't want to see me! Maybe we should just close the door.
[ Speaking Foreign Language ] - [ Arguing Continues ] - Maybe we should leave.
Uh-uh.
No way.
I don't wanna miss a word.
- You don't know what they're saying.
- I'm picking it up.
''Sala'' seems to mean ''jerk'' and I think ''Manjula'' means some kind of spaceship.
Uh, this could take a while, folks.
Thank you.
Come again.
I hope we didn't get Apu in too much trouble.
Oh, they're newlyweds.
They'll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'.
- Oh, dear.
- Hmm! - [ Flipping Pages In Book ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honking ] - Either put that book down, or let me drive! Hey, they stole our idea.
See? Look.
- [ Marge ] Ooh.
! - [ Tires Screeching ] ''I cherish you, my precious.
'' Mmm- Nah.
''To a heck of a blacksmith.
'' Nah.
I already got him one.
''You're a-peeling.
Let's never split!'' [ Laughing ] That's funny, 'cause they're monkeys.
[ Laughing Continues ] So long, rejects.
[ Grunting ] Stupid cards.
[ Grunts ] Morning, Apu.
Still in hot water with the squaw? Worse than ever, I am afraid.
My shameful neglect has made her feel unloved.
Now I fear she will leave me.
Oh, she's not gonna leave you right before Valentine's Day.
That would be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.
[ Gasps ] Oh, you are right.
There are still seven days before Valentine's.
Ah.
Seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula.
[ Moaning ] Sweet mint julep.
I'll be at Moe's.
- [ Door Sensor Dings ] - Hmm.
[ Growling ] Come on, boy.
Come on.
! Dad, the vet says we shouldn't make him fetch the Sunday paper.
- [ Whimpers ] - Good dog! Good doggie! ''Tax Hike Approved''? Bad dog.
Bad, bad dog.
[ Whimpering ] Now to trim away the fat.
''Outlook?'' Eh! ''Vista?'' No.
''Spotlight?'' Eh! ''Mosaic?'' Eh! I'd love to look at ''Scullery Week'' if you're through with it.
Oh, sorry, Marge.
That's in my stockpile.
You can have this.
- This is about investment opportunities in Yemen.
- Give me that! All right! The personals.
Hmm.
## [ Humming ] ''Successful mayor type seeks open-minded discreet cheerleader type.
'' - Oh, that's sweet.
- Oh, here's one.
- ''Desperately seeking suction''- - Hey, look at this one! [ Gasps ] It's a poem.
[ Gasps ] From Apu! Well, don't just gasp.
Read it.
''My darling bride Manjula ''I hereby mend my ways.
''I'll shower you with valentines for seven love-filled days!'' Oh, how romantic.
I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
The only ad you took out was to sell our lawn mower.
We sold it, didn't we? - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] Until last night, I never knew Apu could be so romantic.
I can't believe it.
He covered your whole bed with wildflowers? Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you.
Well, sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets.
And he says I've got six more surprises coming.
I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield.
- [ Screeching ] - [ Screams ] - Oh! - ## [ Singing ] - ## [ Continues ] - Oh! He has trained a bird to sing to me.
Limo out front.
Tickets to opera, front row loge.
Oh!Just once I'd like a parrot to say that to me.
Then the bird sang ''I Love the Nightlife'' with clever new lyrics.
Yeah.
I hate that song.
I do too.
But it was sweet.
Women really like that sort of thing, Homie.
Don't worry, honey.
I got something really special planned for Valentine's Day.
It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it? Wouldn't you like to know.
[ Groans ] A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.
[ Apu ] Help.
! I can't breathe.
! - [ Gasping ] - Oh! Apu! Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.
Air.
I need air.
- Oh, Apu.
- Oh, Lord, my ears are filled with nougat! - Oh, dear! Oh, no.
- There's a nut in my eye.
''So then the second salesman says, 'That's okay.
I just ate all the hot buttered corn.
''' [ Snickering ] - You like that one, baby? - [ Groans ] Sarah, what's wrong? Usually, after two or three ''Truly Tasteless Jokes,'' you're all over me.
Manjula got to see La Boheme.
Sarah, please! Sarah, it's $1 0 a pill.
And so with Valentine's Day one day away all eyes are on the local Romeo whose seven-day gift-a-thon has been delighting his wife and ''entroubulating'' the rest of us.
Reverend Timothy Lovejoy says he's counseled a number of disenchanted wives, including Maude Flanders.
[ Chuckling ] Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours.
See, the problem's communication.
Too much communication.
Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.
But, Marge, it's worth it.
Look! The Taco Bell dog! Yo quiero- Hey, where'd it go? Here, boy! [ Whimpering ] You just don't get it.
[ Door Slams Shut ] - This Valentine's crap has gone too far! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] Edna won't even let me clap her erasers.
My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts! The gal I'm stalkin' had me bumped back to 200 feet.
- Aw, Moe! - That's too far.
! And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this? Well, I guess we are.
I suppose I do take Maude for granted.
- Yeah, I've done some of that myself.
- Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves but it's even easier to blame Apu! - He's making us look bad! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - [ Horse Whinnying ] - What's going on out there? Aw, geez.
He's got everything but the Shriners.
[ Horns Beeping ] Hey, watch it! You're all over the road! - We gotta stop that traitor Apu.
- [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - Right after happy hour! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - [ Barney ] I call side seat! - [ Moe ] Drinking will help us plan.
Come on, Apu.
Make your move.
- Maybe he's run out of romantic ideas.
- No, no, not our lover boy.
If I know his M.
O.
, he's saved the biggest one for today.
Aw, gee.
The man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her.
- How can we sabotage his labor of love? - I don't know.
Gasoline, axes.
I got some stuff in the trunk.
- Hey, there he goes! - Let's roll! - Uh, Homer, you're driving.
- Not yet I'm not! You'll know when I'm driving! And it'll- [ Screams ] Tiffany's, eh? It looks like Smoochie's gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head.
Aw, man.
He's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates.
Whoa, whoa! My rope came loose.
[ Wiggum ] There he is behind that shopping bag.
A croissant? What the- Oh, that's right.
- They have breakfast at Tiffany's now.
- Only till 1 1 :00.
[ No Audible Dialogue ] So that's it.
The crazy nut, he went and bought her a sloop! Well, this is one love boat that won't delight and amuse.
Wait, Chief.
He's not purchasing a boat.
Arr! It's kind of you to deliver these copies of Jugs.
They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality for about 1 0 minutes.
[ All Laughing ] - Look who's talkin'.
- Arr.
Well, this is turning out to be a total waste of time.
Not entirely.
Aw, geez.
We've been following him for hours.
You know, with all the energy we're putting into this sabotage thing we could've written sonnets for our wives or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique- Oh! [ Sighs ] Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair.
Man, that smarts! Oh, baby! We got him now! There's no escape from the airport.
Oh, nuts! We lost him.
I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking.
Hey, look! It's Elton John! We had to make an emergency landing.
It's that damn chandelier again.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Both Gasping ] What's he doing in Springfield? I got it.
I got it! Apu must've hired him to sing for Manjula.
Not if I can help it, and help it I might.
Mr.
John, I'm your biggest fan.
I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio.
Oh, that's very sweet.
- Have a Grammy.
- Uh- Sir Elton, my noble friends and I would like to dub you a Knight of the Grand Concourse.
Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again.
Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? Just get in the cage.
What- Oh.
Hazing the new guy, eh? You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the queen paddled me silly.
Hey, Apu's talkin' to a skywriter! So that was his plan all along.
If he writes a message of love over Springfield, we're all screwed.
Hello? Lads, don't forget your old pal Elton.
Can anyone hear me? Skycap? Okay, here is the message.
And please don't skimp on the- ''Sarin''? [ Chuckling ] Don't be frightened.
That tank's just peace corps surplus.
- Not so fast, Apu.
! - Homer.
What a delightful coincidence.
We're puttin' an end to your insane Valentine's rampage.
Never again will good, lazy men have to-What the- Oh, no, you don't! [ Gasping ] Hey, you with the scarf, stop skywriting! I have to deliver a message.
It's the skywriters' code.
I am so sick of that damn code! - [ Gasps ] - If you won't stop, then I'll stop you! - [ Grunting ] - What are you doin'? Don't do that! [ Marge ] Aw.
! Isn't that sweet? [ Sighs ] That must be for Manjula.
Just once I'd like a love note in the sky.
[ Chuckles ] [ Grunting ] Lousy message! Don't, you crazy fool! You'll kill us all! Correction: Kill us both! [ Grunting Continues ] ''I love you''- It's an angel.
! Oh, that's Neddie's pet name for me.
''I love you''- Poppin' Fresh.
Oh, Clancy! [ Chuckles ] ''I love you''- Edna K.
It's a little run together, but that's what it says! ''I love you''- Cactus? Blobbie? Upsilon? Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that.
- [ Plane Passing Overhead ] - Doggone it! You ruined my message! Ow! What's the matter with you, you crazy old buzzard? Get off me! You're making me mad! Ooh-wee! My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day massacre.
You think you've got problems? I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier.
[ Gasps ] Elton John? That's my name.
Well, not really.
- I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but- - [ Both Scream ] That maniac nearly killed us! Shall I take you to the pilot? [ Chuckles ] You see, because that is your song.
- I heard you.
- Yes, because someone saved your life tonight.
- [ Laughing ] - Cut it out! Well, well, the bitch is back.
- [ Laughing ] - Oh! [ Homer Screaming ] [ Groaning ] Oh, geez! Darn it! Why won't you die? [ Gasping ] Prickers! [ Screaming ] Huh? [ Gasps ] [ Grunting ] What? What in the world- [ Sighing ] Roses.
So many roses.
Just when I think I have you figured out, you fall from the sky with roses.
- Roses.
- Oh, Homie.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Oh, I'm gonna snuggle your brains out.
Well, I think I have a collapsed lung, but okay.
##[ Elton John Singing ] Oh.
Oh, I can't believe it.
You closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me.
Well, you and the health inspector.
[ Chuckles ] - Champagne Squishy? - Oh, thank you.
It should get you pretty darned hammered.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Marge Simpson in: 'Screaming Yellow Honkers'
The Simpsons s10e15 Episode Script
Marge Simpson in: 'Screaming Yellow Honkers'
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All ] Whoa! [ Singing ] [ Continues ] [ Singing Rock Song ] I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
[ Singing Ends ] [ Chuckles ] Whew.
Mercy.
Good evening.
Our old friend Noah Webster defines ''laughter'' as ''the act or sound of laughing.
'' [ Nelson ] Ha-ha.
! [ Chuckles ] Well illustrated, Nelson.
And now, fasten your funny bones for Groundskeeper- Oh.
Or should I say ''Grinskeeper''? No, I'm sorry.
Groundskeeper was correct.
Willie! - ## [ Bagpipes ] - [ Applause ] How many of you hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? So, have you noticed how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? - [ Man Coughs ] - Eh? - ## [ Bagpipes ] - Eh? - [ Crickets Chirping ] - Oh, I see.
Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees scooping up your little brats' puke! [ Laughing, Applauding ] Thank you! You've been great! ##[Jazz ] [ Singing ] [ Continues ] - [ Groaning ] - ## [ Continues ] - [ Balloons Popping ] - Kill me.
Well, Seymour, it seems we put together a baseball team, and I was wondering- Who's on first? Yes.
Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of Who is on first.
Yes.
Well, that's just great, Seymour.
We've been out here six seconds.
You've already managed to blow the routine.
Sexless freak.
- ##[ Rim Shot ] - [ Laughs ] Well, seems as though we're just about at the halfway point - so why don't we call it intermission? - [ Chattering ] Whoa! Don't go too far.
If you like cafeteria workers in Beatle wigs with tennis racket guitars you won't want to miss the second half.
- Oh, no! No! - [ All Shouting ] You drive.
I eat.
Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks.
I saw Krabappel's butt.
I paid.
[ Horns Honking ] Whoopsie.
Mm, this could take a minute.
- There's an opening, Mom.
- I don't know.
I- I hate to change lanes once I get going.
- That's really for race car drivers.
- Mom, to your left.
He's letting you in.
Go! - [ Lisa ] Come on, Mom.
! - [ Homer ] Gun it, woman.
! No.
No.
As soon as I get over, that lane will stop moving.
Erma Bombeck said so, and Dave Barry agrees.
- [ Horns Honking ] - Aw! You suck, Marge.
- Come on! Move it, you clowns! - [ Honking ] What in blazes? So long, schlubs! Wow.
Did you see that thing, Marge? So powerful.
So commanding.
- So forceful and raw.
- [ Horse Neighs ] It didn't ask.
It just took.
- ##[ Man Singing Country Music ] - [ Man #2 Shouts ] - ##[ Ends ] - [ Groaning ] Oh, Canyonero.
[ Laughs ] Go ahead.
Drool all you want.
You can't hurt that finish.
Now, rainwater- that'll strip it right off.
Ah, I shouldn't have said that.
I'm Gil.
Hey, a red one! [ Laughing ] Can I buy that? Please? Well, you- If you- [ Babbles ] Really? Wha- Ha! Hot dog! A sale! [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing Continues ] Huh? - I'll take it from here, Gil.
No! Wait! Ah, no! You can't take my sale! My wife's gonna leave me if I don't start bringing in the green.
Come on.
Let me have this one, Stan.
I'm begging you.
Look at me.
I'm begging you, Stan.
Mm-hmm.
Let's go write this up, shall we? Honey, you should've seen me with my last customer.
I- No, but I came so close.
This guy was- Whose voice is that? Is that Fred? Ah, you said it was over! No, don't put him on! Hello, Fred.
H-Hi.
Okay.
You've got the undercoating clear coating, rustproofing, under guard spray Gravel Guard XJ, Vita-Seal, Repels-It but if you want to protect the paint, you better keep it in this tent.
- Will do.
- Okay.
Here's how your lease breaks down: This is your down payment, then here's your monthly, and there's your weekly.
- And that's it, right? - Yup.
Oh, then after your final monthly payment, there's the routine C.
B.
P.
- or crippling balloon payment.
- But that's not for a while, right? - Right.
- Sweet.
[ Bird Caws ] - Whoo! Hello! - Whoo! Hey, baby! Oh.
Sorry, Homer.
We thought you were one of those hot-to-trot soccer moms.
Yeah.
You don't see many men driving the ''F'' Series.
Huh? See? Instead of a cigarette lighter, it's got a lipstick holder.
[ Gasps ] Ah, crap! It's a girl's car! I can't drive this! Oh, sure, you can, doll face.
[ Kisses ] [ Chuckles ] Pretty thing like you can do whatever she wants.
[ Both Laughing ] Shut up! Screw you guys! [ Both Laughing ] Lousy ''F''Series frilly, girlie, fruity car.
[ Mutters ] Where's your keys? I'm taking your car to work.
You cashed in your 401 (k) to buy that stupid Canyonero.
- Why can't you drive it? - Are you saying I'm gay? Because if that's what you think, then just come right out and say it.
I don't think you're gay.
I just have to do my grocery shopping.
Now, please, give me my keys.
Fine.
[ Humming ] - [ Engine Starts ] - [ Laughs ] - Ha-ha! Sucker! - Oh! Good Lord! [ Groans ] How am I supposed to get in this beast? Hmm.
Well, that's a nice feature.
Not much headroom though.
Ooh! Oh, I guess I can drive it for a little while.
But, Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents.
Fatal to the people in the other car.
Let's roll.
Hang on.
The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer.
M-A-R-G-E.
[ Electronic Female Voice ] Hello, Marge.
Where would you like to go today? [ Gasps ] No one has ever asked me that before in my life.
Well, that's a first.
I've never been able to fit 3 2 grocery bags into one car before.
Ew! Why is Courtney Love on the Wheaties box? - Hmm.
I thought it was Sandy Duncan.
- Uh-oh.
Gridlock at 1 2:00.
- [ Horns Honking ] - [ People Shouting ] Oh, crud.
And we're so close to the house.
Um, I don't want to alarm you, but the ice cream's starting to go south.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[ Gags ] Hey, give me some of that! [ Screams ] Mom! Bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye! - I did not.
- [ Screams ] - [ Both Grunting ] - Kids, cut it out! - [ Sighs ] All right.
- Hey! Come on, Mom.
Just cut across the field.
Oh, I don't know.
It doesn't seem right.
[ Scoffs ] Do you want to spend your whole life doing what's right? Of course not.
- Let's do it! - ##[ Man Singing Country Music ] [ Man #2 Shouts ] - ##[ Continues ] - Whoa! You the man, Mom! Out of my way, nature! [ Chittering ] ##[ Ends ] [ Gasps ] Look at me, Lise.
I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants.
[ Clucking ] Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner.
- You're tomorrow night's dinner.
- Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult! That's nice, dear! Okay, Mr.
Peanut, you think you can keep- [ Sputtering ] A three-chambered peanut! Marge, look what I did! Come quick! Hurry! Marge? Marge? - Marge, you've been out there all morning.
- So? So, lying on the couch and eating stuff isn't the same if you aren't around to see it.
Oh, I'll come watch you do nothing after I try out my new high-intensity halogen headlights.
[ Laughs ] Nobody will ever cut me off again.
Ah, please come in! Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what.
I'm almost done.
And tell Bart to get out of my purse.
[ No Audible Dialogue ] - [ Marge ] S.
U.
V.
coming through.
- [ Horn Honking ] - Open up for Marge.
Thank you.
- [ Honking Continues ] Thank- Whoa.
! And daylight.
! Come on.
! Come on.
! - [ Honking Continues ] - Geez.
Try the gas pedal, Grandma.
It's right there next to the brake.
- Oh, for God's s- Go back to New Jersey.
- [ Horn Honks ] [ Tires Squeal, Screech ] [ Muttering ] - [ Muffled Shout ] - [ Honks ] Come on, come on! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living! - [ Both ] Whoa! - Slow down, you maniac! Show some respect for this coffin full of bricks representing a young man lost at sea.
- Hey! - [ Siren Wailing ] Oh, great.
What did I do? - This better be important.
- Can the sweet talk, Thelma & Louise.
You have a serious mental illness.
The technical term is ''road rage.
'' I'll see you tomorrow morning at traffic school, speedy.
And you got exactly five seconds to get out of my sight.
- [ Grumbles ] - [ Tires Squeal ] [ Sighs ] Why are the pretty ones always insane? [ Marge Groaning ] Okay.
I assume you all know why you're here.
That's right.
You're all angry - sick people.
- [ Snoring ] But over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants then rebuilt as functional members of society then broken down again, then lunch then, if there's time, rebuilt once more.
All right, roll it, Lou.
[ Instrumental ] Hello.
I'm Sergeant Crew and I'm here to talk to you about road rage.
- Duh! - Quiet, fatso! The sergeant's talking! Go on, dear.
In these modern, hectic days of fast food answering machines and one-night stands, people are getting angrier.
Now, what you're about to see is not pretty.
Cut me off, will you? [ Grunting ] - [ Horn Honking ] - Learn to drive, dimwit! I sentence you to kiss my ass.
[ Screaming ] Look familiar? It should.
Anger is what makes America great.
But you must find the proper outlet for your rage.
Fire a weapon at your television screen pick a fight with someone weaker than you or write a threatening letter to a celebrity.
So when you go out for a drive remember to leave your murderous anger where it belongs- at home.
[ Applause ] And as if that film wasn't enough, we have a special guest.
Why, it's Curtis E.
Bear, the courtesy bear.
[ Hums ] For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb.
So, if you'll all just grab one of these two-by-fours- Um, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch? Bears can't talk, Eddie.
- [ Shouting ] - [ Eddie Gasps ] - [ Blows Landing ] - [ Chattering ] Well, Simpson, did you learn something today? Oh, did I ever.
And that herbal anger rinse just washed the rage right out of me.
And remember, Midge, you feel the need to rage, you call me, right? I won't even get sexual or nothin'- unless that's what you want.
- [ Door Opens, Closes ] - But that's not what you want, right? No, thanks.
But thanks.
[ Chattering ] After you, sweetheart.
Oh, no.
You first, ma'am.
Well, somebody go first.
- Well, not me.
- I'm not goin' until she goes.
Oh, for crying out loud! Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Calm down.
Just think.
What would Curtis E.
Bear do? - [ Honking ] - Move it! I gotta return this suit! [ Tires Screeching ] Hmm.
Get out of the way! -[ Tires Screeching ] - Oh, no! No! [ Horn Honking ] [ Screams ] - Ya! - [ Alarm Wailing ] We're free! We're free! Whoa! Thanks, chick-dude.
Well, I hope you're happy, Simpson.
Those prisoners were one day away from being completely rehabilitated.
I'm tearing up your license.
Ah, geez.
Darned laminated- Would you mind? I got stubby fingers.
[ Chuckles ] [ Groans ] [ Groans ] How could they take away my license? - It feels like I lost a limb.
- Well, that's a turnoff.
Hey, why don't you come to the wild animal park with us? No.
Your father drives like an old lady.
At least I've got a license.
- [ Groans ] - Come on, kids.
I went too far.
- [ Door Slams ] - [ Sighs ] [ Elephant Trumpets ] - [ Growling ] - [ Trumpeting Continues ] Ah, what a gyp.
They're all just lyin' around.
Do something! Bart, they're not here to entertain us.
I've seen plays that were more exciting than this.
Honest to God.
Plays! [ Animal Calling ] I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal.
Don't worry, honey.
Daddy will fix that broken animal.
- No! - I'm not gonna hurt him.
I'm just gonna wake him up.
[ Shrieking ] [ Shrieks ] [ Roars ] - [ Snarling ] - [ All Growl ] [ All Snarling, Grunting ] Uh-oh.
Here's a slingshot, Lisa.
[ Australian Accent ] I told 'em a chain link fence wouldn't hold rhinos.
Oh, wait.
No, I didn't.
I meant to tell 'em.
[ Shrieks, Muffled Grunting ] [ Muffled Laughing ] [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Snarling ] Don't worry, kids.
I know just what to do.
-Jumanji! - [ All Snarling ] Does anything from the movies actually work? [ Both Whimpering ] - [ Both Grunt ] - Ah, nuts! Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards? Uh, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle.
- And a heart to match.
- Hmm.
I'd like to help you, Chief, but my license was revoked.
Seems I'm full of rage.
Then do it for this adorable little puppy.
Look at the puppy, Marge.
- That's your hat.
- She's good, Chief.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dust that needs busting.
- [ People Screaming ] - This is Kent Brockman at the scene of a level three rhino alert.
- [ Screaming ] - Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify once the rhinos spit out their wallets.
- [ Gasps ] - Back! Back, I say! [ Snarling ] Oh, no! I'm out of popcorn! - Throw your peanuts! - You throw your peanuts! [ All Screaming ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honking ] - [ Bart ] Look! It's Mom! - Out of the way! - [ Honks ] - Move it or lose it! Get going, you! [ Horn Honking ] This ought to hold 'em.
There's one missing, mate.
If we don't find him, it'll be my ass on the barbie! - [ Snarling ] - [ All Whimpering ] [ Horn Honking ] - Get in! Get in! - [ Both Grunt ] - Come on, Homer!Jump! - [ Grunts ] Oh! When will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman? - [ Shrieks ] - [ Snarling ] [ Screaming, Whimpering ] [ Screaming ] Ah, no! [ People Gasping ] [ Whimpering, Sobbing ] Hey, anybody seen Homer today? - Here.
[ Babbling ] - There he goes.
[ Screaming ] Ow! - It's not my rhino! - [ All Gasp ] [ Screaming ] [ Screams ] Oh, thank you, God.
And thank you, Port-a-John.
You really saved my- [ Screams ] Who's out there? [ Shrieks ] Oh, I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all! - [ Groans ] - [ Homer ] Nice rhino.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no! She's not gonna make it.
Hmm.
Looks like it's time for plan ''B.
'' One, two three, ''B''! [ Grunts ] [ Shrieks, Snarling ] It's okay, Homie.
You can come out now.
Uh, give me a minute.
[ Grunting, Yelps ] Oh, Marge! You saved me! Wow! You are so much cooler than Milhouse's mom.
Yeah.
Way to channel that rage, Simpson.
How did you know your plan would work, Mom? Thanks for asking.
Well, I was watching Dateline and Stone Phillips said S.
U.
V.
's always roll over when you turn sharply and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.
And she also knew if a rhino sees a flame he'll instinctively try to put it out.
Stone Phillips again.
Is there anything that guy doesn't know? Why, this Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke.
What television network is he on? Why, NBC, of course.
NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now? Oh, I'm sure of it.
But there's only one way to find out.
[ Homer ] I'd like to read the following statement - but I do so under- - [ Gun Cocks ] my own free will.
''It has come to my attention that NBC sucks.
''I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible.
So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good.
'' CBS great.
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Body Hits Ground ] [ Gunshots Continue ] - [ Gunshot ] - [ Body Hits Ground ] [ Gunshots Continue ]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Make Room For Lisa
The Simpsons s10e16 Episode Script
Make Room For Lisa
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Grunting ] [ Bird Cawing ] [ Man On Radio ] Okay, F.
D.
R.
is in the White House an ice-cream cone costs a nickel and a hot new tune by Benny Goodman is hitting the charts.
- The year is 1 939.
- [ Snoring ] - ## [ Swing ] - 1 9- 1 939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice-cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess.
You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet! Easy, Homer.
I'll bring you back.
[ Stations Changing ] - ## [ New Wave Rock ] - Ohh! Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys.
[ Man ] That was Men Without Hats.
Or as they're known today, Men WithoutJobs.
[ Men Laughing ] - [ Man #2 ] Don't go there, Marty! - I'm not goin' anywhere.
- I'm staying right here at P.
J.
O'Harrigan's.
- [ Crowd Whooping ] We're broadcasting live from P.
J.
O'H.
's and this place makes Animal House look like Terms of Endearment.
We're kicking off our 3 5th consecutive happy hour with no end in sight.
- So come on down.
- [ Cheering ] Yeah, that sounds like a swingin' shindig.
Yeah, too bad we gotta work, huh, Homer? - Homer? - [ Homer On Radio ] Whoo-hoo! Let's party! - Wake up, Homer.
- [ Groans ] Come on! Move your butt.
You're blocking traffic.
- [ Horn Honking ] - That's no way to address Sir Drinks-a-Lot.
[ Groans ] Come on.
- [ Horns Honking ] - Let's get you inside and scrape the gum out of your hair.
Okay.
Hey, Marge.
What's your favorite radio station? - Well, Marge? - What? What's your favorite radio station? Okay, Dad, we're ready! Okay, Dad, we're ready! Hey, that's super.
See you later.
Dad, don't you remember? It's our special Saturday.
You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids.
Ohh! Oh, quit complaining.
It's half the work of a divorced dad.
Yeah, but it's twice as much as a deadbeat dad.
- Homer! - They know I'm kidding.
[ Both Groan ] Okay, Bart, it's your turn to pick.
Where are we headed? Bowling? Demolition derby? P.
J.
O'Harrigan's? Isn't that a funny name? Huh? Huh? Hysterical.
But I traded my turn to Lisa for her dessert.
- Oh! We did a Lisa thing last month! - [ Groans ] [ Chuckles ] And I'm glad we did.
But now I think we should do something normal people would like.
Why do you assume that I won't pick something fun? Let's see.
- Oh, this looks very educational.
- Oh! - Well, this could be quite enlightening.
- Ohh! - Fine, how about- - Ohh! - She didn't say it yet! - Go ahead, sweetie.
- The book fair.
- Oh, no! I'm not falling for that again! If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
Oh! This is perfect! We're gonna go see Marmaduke? No.
The Smithsonian traveling exhibit.
It encapsulates America and makes history come alive! - What? And Marmaduke doesn't? - Sorry, Dad.
My mind is made up.
This is all your fault for trading away your turn! Just for that, no dessert tonight! Trade you my next turn for your dessert.
- Deal.
- D'oh! Hey, how come the Smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cell phone company? I can answer that.
Uncle Sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials: antitobacco programs, pro-tobacco programs - killing wild donkeys and Israel.
- Good old government.
Yeah, but corporate sponsorship cheapens our nation's treasures.
Actually, they're Omnitouch's treasures now.
We bought 'em during the last budget crisis.
[ Gasps ] Look, they have Lincoln's hat.
Thank God for grave robbers.
Oh, America's greatest citizen summed up in one piece of clothing.
[ Homer Gasps ] Fonzie's jacket.
! - Who's Fonzie? - Who's Fonzie? Don't they teach you anything in school? He freed the squares.
How can they put a prop from a TV show next to the Bill of Rights? So what's so great about the Bill of Rights? It guarantees all of the basic freedoms- speech, religion, the right to a speedy trial.
[ Homer ] Where? I don't see that.
- [ Alarm Buzzing ] - [ Gasps ] Dad, don't do that! - [ Rips ] - Hmm, hmm.
- Get out of Archie Bunker's chair now! - [ Gasping ] Relax.
- I'm just boning up on the old Constitution.
- [ Rips ] - Oh, you're gonna regret that, pinko! - [ Yelps ] Oh, I am so sick of people hiding behind the Bill of Rights! - Look! He got chocolate on it! - I didn't mean to.
Look! Mm-hmm.
You just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment.
[ Chuckles ] Beautiful.
Really? That much? - It's gonna cost $1 0,000 to repair that document.
- Wha- Of course, Omnitouch understands that real money doesn't grow on trees- not these days.
Finally a company that understands my needs.
We sure do.
It's called caring.
- So we're even then? - Not by a long shot.
But I have a solution that'll work out for both of us, especially you.
[ Man Shouts, Indistinct ] I don't want a cellular transmitter sticking out of my roof.
We prefer to think of them as ''keep in touch'' towers.
It's called caring, Marge.
Plus you've increased Springfield's roaming capabilities 64%.
You gotta admit, Marge, that's a lot more roaming.
[ Groans ] I guess.
[ Grunting ] Hey, this is pretty comfortable.
That Andy Capp was onto something.
Uh! That antenna is an eyesore.
Just pretend it's a tree, honey.
Or as we say at Omnitouch, a progress tree.
Yeah? Well, I hope it doesn't hum too loud.
I have a ton of homework to do.
And if I don't finish it by- [ Screams ] - My room.
! - [ Electronic Beeping ] What? I heard a yell! Did you touch a wire? What happened to my room? Nothing.
They just needed a place to put all the electronic gizmos and I know how much you like that science-y stuff.
- So I de- - You gave away my room? Come on, Lisa.
Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.
Your father's right, Lisa.
Cellular service is about communication and unity- community.
- Hmm? - [ Groans ] I can't believe you did this, Dad.
Why didn't you put that thing in your room? Hmm.
That thought never occurred to me.
Funny how your mind works in a crisis.
It's just until we pay off Daddy's desecration of a priceless artifact.
I thought I'd never have to say that again.
But where am I supposed to live? Lisa, what's your favorite movie? Until you taped over it, The Little Mermaid.
That's right, The Odd Couple.
! So meet your comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson! [ Scatting TVTheme ] I'm gonna make your life a living hell.
- [ Groans ] - ## [ Continues ] But, Dad! Whoa! ##[ Fades, Ends ] Okay, if you're gonna live in my room, you're gonna obey my rules.
One: I am Bart, thy god.
If I am out, the Krusty doll is thy god.
If the doll's with me, you will worship the night-light.
- Should the night-light be unable to fulfill its duties- - Shut up.
- You shut up! - [ Sighs ] This is not gonna work.
- No, you shut up! - Ohh! [ Sucking ] - [ Skinner] Hello, Mother? - [ Gasps ] Maggie? - Seymour, you were supposed to call me three minutes ago.
- Ooh! Sorry, Mother.
I was driving through a tunnel, and my cell phone wouldn't work.
I don't want you driving through tunnels! You know what that symbolizes! - But, Mother, it cuts 90 minutes off my drive.
- No tunnels! Homer, we're picking up cell-phone calls over the baby monitor.
- Ooh! Anything spicy? - Oh, that's not the point.
We should report this to an Omnitouch care rep.
People's privacy is at stake.
- Great.
I'm gonna eat mayonnaise.
- [ Groans ] [ Squeaking ] - Bart, stop it! - Stop what? - Squeaking that chair.
- Hey, that's what I do in my room, Lise.
I squeak my chair.
[ Grunts ] Oh, quit it, quit it, quit it, quit it! Well, well, if it isn't Frick and Frack, Jack and Jill, Fred and Ethel, the Three- Dad, will you please tell Bart to stop squeaking his chair? - I'm trying to do my homework! - Bart, stop squeaking your chair.
If you've got to do something, click this pen.
- [ Clicking ] - No-o-o! - Hey, that looks like fun.
- Race ya.
You're on! Lisa, you play winner! [ Laughing ] Come on, come on! I'm gaining on ya! [ Laughing ] Oh, honey, you missed a great race.
Bart was winning.
Then he said, ''This is stupid.
'' And he stopped, and I won! Dad, I am trying to do my homework.
Hmm.
Hey, you're mad at me.
That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it? Dad, why did you have to take away my room? Maybe you'd feel better if we watched some TV together.
- [ Groans ] I just want to study! - That's no fun.
- It is to me.
- No, it's not.
Dad! Ooh, here's something you'll like: When Animals Attack Magicians.
- [ Man ] Pick a card.
Any- [ Screaming ] - [ Chimpanzee Screeching ] - No, no.
! Pick another card.
! - [ Laughing ] - That's awful.
- Awful entertaining.
- [ Stomach Rumbles ] - Oh, my stomach hurts.
[ On Monitor] Hey, it's Krusty.
I need you to get me out of another jam.
I picked up this chick last night.
At least I thought she was a chick.
Showbiz is so fascinating.
[ Groans ] Mom, I don't feel so good.
- [ Stomach Rumbling ] - [ Groaning ] - What is it, honey? - My tummy really hurts.
Somebody wants Mommy to change baby's diaper! Is that somebody you, Homer? - Yes, it is! - [ Sucking ] - Okay, then you can take Lisa to Dr.
Hibbert's.
- Great.
Maybe on the way back, we can swing by the demolition derby and have a nice talk.
[ Chuckles ] Sounds great.
- [ Rumbling ] - Lisa, I'm afraid your tummy ache may be caused by stress.
- Well, that's a relief.
- [ Chuckles ] Yes.
Anyway, when it comes to stress, I believe laughter is the best medicine.
You know, before I learned to chuckle mindlessly, I was headed for an early grave myself.
[ Chuckling ] - Give it a try, honey.
- [ Chuckles Weakly ] Oh, now, you call that chuckling? Come on, child! Force it! - I'm really not the chuckling type.
- It's true.
I'm always making clever noises, and she never chuckles at 'em.
Well, I could prescribe some harsh antacids but I think Lisa would benefit more from some herbal teas or aromatherapy.
Yeah.
You know, some of that all-natural stuff is really very well- Oh, no, you don't! Screw that touchy, queer-y crap! We'll take the harsh antacids.
Nothing's too good for my little girl.
I sure settled his hash.
Imagine that quack thinking he'd try one of those crazy new age cures.
They're not all crazy, Dad.
Sure they are, honey.
You know,just because you say something is crazy, doesn't make it so.
And just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun doesn't make that true either! I'm sorry, Lisa.
Oh, it's not your fault.
I know we love each other, Dad, but we're two very different people.
And much as I hate to say it, as time goes on we'll probably just drift further and further apart.
Oh, Lisa, honey, I won't ever let that happen.
Oh.
Dad, you don't have to go to a new age store just for me.
I know you think this stuff is stupid.
Nah, you must be thinking of your mother.
I'm always exploring alternatives and expanding my horizons into realms of- - Can't we just go in? - [ Bell Jingles ] Oh, good! I've been meaning to buy a- ''Dream catcher''? Give me a break! - I just wish you could keep an open mind about other cultures.
- Other cultures are fine.
I'm just saying I can get along in life without a ''toothbrush.
'' - Namaste.
- And a-ooga-booga to you too.
May I tell you about our white-light specials? Absolutely not.
My little girl's tummy hurts.
- Do you have anything to stop her complaining? - Dad! Here.
Try this wheat grass juice.
- [ Gags ] - Well, your tongue works.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Let's try some Oil of Lorenzo.
And what's keeping Joan Rivers alive? Fetal grindings.
But I have a better idea.
- Oh, no.
No freezing.
- No, Mr.
Simpson.
This is a sensory-deprivation tank.
It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls.
- Can you pee in it? - I'll take two hours.
Me too.
You're about to take a journey into the mind.
You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening.
But remember, they can't physically harm you - though they may destroy you mentally.
- So what? [ Thinking ] Ah, this is kind of relaxing.
But it's so hard to turn off my brain.
I have to stop thinking, starting now.
Hey, it worked! Oh, no.
That's thinking.
[ Thinking ] Boring.
- [ Lenny ] Well, dish! - Groundskeeper Willie- You know, the guy in the skirt? He bought himself a mail-order bride.
But he's too cheap to pay the C.
O.
D.
, right? So she's still in a crate down at the post office.
- You wanna go have a look-see? - Ooh, this sounds juicy.
Hmm.
Hey, Milhouse, want to have some fun? Uh, okay! How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me? Hey.
Ah, it's a ball of yarn.
That's funny.
I feel like batting it around.
Whoa! I have a paw! [ Scampering ] Oh, my gosh.
I've entered the body of our cat.
[ Sucking ] Aah.
! Maggie.
! Hey, hey.
! Get your sticky hands off me.
! Ow.
! [ Hisses ] Oh, bad cat! Leave her alone! [ Groans ] - [ Thuds ] - [ Screams ] Wow.
My mind just created that out of nothing.
This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain.
[ Singing Novelty Song ] Come on, come on! I need some gossip here! - [ Static ] - Where is everybody? Does this town shut down at 5:00? - [ Bart, Disguised Voice ] Frankie, it's me, Killer.
- Huh? I just busted out of prison and the cops are after me.
- [ Siren Wailing ] - Oh, talk to me, baby.
- Okay, I think I lost 'em.
- [ Siren Stops ] - [ Mooing ] - Uh-oh.
A cow.
- [ Caps Popping ] - Eat lead, Bossy.
Listen, Tony.
I need someplace to hide.
Oh, this place looks good.
- 7 42 Evergreen Terrace.
- [ Gasps ] Now, to open the door and kill whoever's inside.
- I'll start by turning the knob.
- [ Gasping ] [ Chuckles ] Gotcha, Mrs.
- Ow! - [ Groans ] - Oh, my God.
[ Laughing ] Oh, Mom.
You are a prankster's dream.
Wow, you really clobbered him.
That was a horrible trick to play on your mother.
Yeah? Well, it serves you right for eavesdropping.
[ Groans ] Well, I guess we both learned a lesson.
But if anybody asks, you hit him.
[ Milhouse Groaning ] But you can'tjust repossess our merchandise.
The I Ching said I had six months till bankruptcy.
Hey, channel somebody who gives a damn.
Can't we discuss this over some sympathy tea? Sorry.
The teas are already on the truck.
There's only enough room on the truck for this one.
- We'll get the other one later.
[ Straining ] - [ Straining ] Hey! This piece of junk is finally doing something.
[ Chuckles ] - Oh, man, this is heavy! - You should lift with your legs.
Yeah, aw, screw it.
I got health insurance.
Oh! Abracadabra.
- The crystal says your baby shall be a girl! - Shut up! Whoo! Sensory deprivation kicks ass! - [ All Gasp ] - Oh, Neddie, you almost hit that coffin! [ Gulps ] Leapin' Lazarus! Is this what passes for eternal rest these days? - Rod, go get Daddy his buryin' shovel.
- Yea! You sure buried him deep, Daddy.
[ Chuckles ] Not so deep the Lord can't find him and judge him.
This is the best birthday I ever had.
Okay, I'm ready to get out now.
Yoo-hoo, hippie lady! Hippie lady? Hey, hippie lady! [ Screaming ] What's going on? [ Screaming Continues ] Oh! Ow! Oh! This inner peace stuff is tough on the old coconut! [ Yelping ] Hippie lady, I want to get out.
! Hey.
! [ Humming ] Hmm! Look, Daddy, a whale egg! Oh, geez.
I am so sick of companies dumping their crud in our ocean without a permit.
It's not like those permits are hard to get.
You're going right back where you came from.
But, Daddy, you're on vacation.
Crime doesn't take a vacation.
Hey, hey, hey, careful! You'll pop it! [ Gasps ] It's happening again.
I wonder where I'm going this time.
What's that? Oh,yuck.
That sandwich is full of meat.
! There's bacon.
Canadian bacon.
Mexican bacon.
! [ Guttural Sigh ] And a mouthwatering veal chop.
[ Munching ] Oh, no.
Now I'm Dad! - ##[ Orchestral ] - Oh, and I'm at a stupid, boring ballet.
! [ Yawns ] - [ Snoring ] - ##[ Stops ] Dad, wake up.
! Your snoring is disturbing the dancers.
Hmm! How can you embarrass me like this? [ Groans ] You won't sit through anything that doesn't have car crashes! [ Homer, Lisa's Voice ] I'm sorry, honey.
[ Thinking ] Geez, why is Lisa so mad at me? I only came to this dump so I could be with her.
- ##[ Resumes ] - And what happened to my big sandwich? [ Snoring ] [ Snorts, Yawns ] Uh! Boy, I can really be a pain in the butt.
Gee, I should cut Dad some slack.
After all, he did take me to the ballet and the Smithsonian exhibit.
In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates.
##[ Homer Singing Novelty Song ] [ Stops ] - Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Dad! How was it? I went on a wild ride without ever leaving the building.
- How was yours? - Pretty cool.
But now, what do you say we go do something we'll both enjoy? Oh, like what? Whoa! Look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this? Not to me, Dad.
[ Crashing ] - Oy! - [ Siren Wailing ] [ Man On P.
A.
] And here comes the ambulance.
! [ Man On P.
A.
] And here comes the ambulance.
! - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Maximum Homerdrive
The Simpsons s10e17 Episode Script
Maximum Homerdrive
[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Mmm.
[ Chuckles ] So I said to that nurse ''You can take your free tetanus shot and shove it.
'' - You told her, Dad.
- You better- - [ Bones Crack ] - believe I did.
[ Grunting ] You still haven't told us why Lenny bit you.
Well, I really gave him no choice.
You see- - Lousy meat-eating scum.
- Huh? - Not you.
- [ Chomping ] I'm going over to protest this disgusting new restaurant called The Slaughterhouse.
It's decorated with hanging steer carcasses and a fountain of blood.
Oh, I heard about that place on The Red Grocer.
The worst part is you pick out your own cow and they kill it right in front of you.
Well, maybe the animals don't mind, honey.
They might enjoy being the center of attention.
I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.
Wait! There's a place like that in Springfield? - Then why are we eating this crap? - [ Clanging ] Come on, everybody.
We're going to The Slaughterhouse.
- You didn't need to knock the food on the floor.
- Didn't I? [ Chainsaw Revving ] [ Mooing ] Wow! It's even more wonderful than Lisa said.
Oh, whoa.
A complimentary basket of hooves.
Mmm.
Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef-fried beef- Is there anything on the menu that isn't meat? - Ha.
Not likely.
- Cool.
Even this menu is made of meat.
It's an entire chicken pounded flat.
How clever.
The kids' menu is on the beak.
Hmm, I think I'll take- oh, that one.
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] No.
He's a bit listless, isn't he? Give me- ooh, that spirited fellow.
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] He didn't put up much of a fight.
Why don't you pick one for me? - [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] On second thought, I'll just have a glass of milk - from that cow.
- Hmm? - [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] [ Homer ] Wait a minute.
Is this the biggest steak you've got? Seventy-two ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steak house not a little girlie, underpantsie, pink-doily, tea-party place.
Well, there is one steak that's only available by special request.
We call it ''Sirloin-a-Lot.
'' It's the size of a boogie board.
Ooh! I'll have that one.
And to drink, meatballs.
- Very good, sir.
- [ Dinging ] Ladies and gentlemen, this brave man has accepted the ''Sirloin-a-Lot'' challenge.
He will pit his stomach against - [ People Oohing ] - They like me because I'm brave.
Only two people have ever finished the whole thing.
If you want some friendly advice, pal I wouldn't tackle the big one right away.
Oh, yeah? What do you know about it? - Hmm? - It's you! You're him! You're Tony Randall! [ Chuckles ] Red Barclay's my name.
I'm a trucker.
And I've eaten steaks from coast to coast with taters and toast.
Take my advice.
This one's not for greenhorns.
Greenhorn? Who's a greenhorn? What's a greenhorn? It's an insult.
Sock him, Dad.
Sock everybody.
Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you don't have the belly for it anymore, Mr.
No-Belly.
Mr.
Hasn't-Got-A-Belly.
Well, I have just finished a whole lamb.
But, uh, I reckon I could take you to school.
You're on, boy.
- ##[ Fanfare ] - [ Grunting ] [ Drooling ] Is it safe to eat that much food, Dr.
Hibbert? You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought 1 2% percent of this restaurant but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest.
- But what if he chokes? - Oh, not to worry.
We have the latest Heimlich machine.
[ Gagging ] On your left, the pride of the American trucking industry - ''Reliable'' Red Barclay! - [ Cheering, Applause ] And an your right, Homer somebody.
- Go, Dad! Go, go, go! - Yeah! Come on, Homie! Gluttons, to your marks, and gorge! Chew, chew, chew! Chew, chew, chew! - Ooh, dear.
- No, Homer! Don't fill up on bread! Huh? Oh, right! The steak! [ Chomping ] Come on, Dad.
Pick up the pace.
Chew and swallow.
No savoring.
Must eat beef.
Must defeat guy I just met.
[ Chomping ] [ Chomping ] So much steak.
Lungs filling.
Sinuses packed with meat.
Come on, Dad.
Just 1 2 more pounds.
[ Groaning ] Oh, humans are so ridiculous.
He's not even halfway through Walter and he's already hallucinating.
[ Both Laughing ] Lousy drunks! I'll show them! [ Groaning ] What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it.
I've become everything I've ever hated.
[ Sobbing ] - Mmm.
- [ Cheering, Applause ] The winner and still champion, ''Reliable'' Red Barclay! My hat's off to you, Red.
You're a true American hero.
And you did it with style and dignity.
And- Hey! You're not breathing.
Don't people usually breathe? This man is dead.
Looks to me like beef poisoning.
- [ All Gasping ] - Probably from some other restaurant.
- [ All Sighing ] - [ Man ] Pass the ribs.
[ Grunting ] You'd better take one of these too.
He's eaten quite a lot.
[ Tires Squealing ] There goes the finest trucker who ever lived.
He called me greenhorn.
I called him Tony Randall.
It was a thing we had.
In 38 years, he never missed a shipment.
But I guess this is one delivery old Red won't be making.
Oh, yes, he will.
And on time too.
Oh, no.
Homer, no.
I've got to, honey.
I owe it to old Red as both his friend and his killer.
Oh, let me go with you, Dad.
- Don't you have school? - Don't you have work? Ah, touche! Bye, Marge! - Aren't you gonna say bye? - Good-bye, Homer.
- That didn't sound like you meant it.
- Oh, all right.
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Have a nice trip.
That's more like it.
So long, suckers! - [ Homer Laughing ] - [ Horn Honks ] [ Grinding ] - [ Homer Grunting ] - [ Grinding Continues ] - [ Grunting ] Come on! - [ Grinding ] Ah, now I'm getting the hang of this thing.
- I don't know why I didn't become a trucker before.
- You're not really a trucker now.
Oh, yeah? My left arm says different.
Well, according to Red's schedule, we have to make it to Atlanta in three days.
Piece of cake.
Just need a little truck-driving music.
Yeah.
The open road.
[ Ends ] Ah, that little punk.
I'll teach him some manners! - [ Screams ] - No, Dad! He wants you to blow your horn.
Oh.
[ Homer ] That little punk.
! Lisa, we got another postcard from your father.
Lisa, we got another postcard from your father.
Wow! Dad and Bart have been everywhere.
They've eaten submarine sandwiches, grinders and hoagies.
It's not fair.
Your father always gets to have such exciting adventures.
Maybe it's time we took a walk on the wild side.
We're buying a new doorbell? A musical doorbell.
So many doorbells.
I'm in way over my head.
[ Humming ] - [ Rings ] - [ Chuckles ] [ Grunting ] Oh, great! Look at my shoes.
And today's my evaluation with Senor Ding-Dong.
Excuse me, Mr.
Trainee, I'm trying to find a musical doorbell.
Well, you came to the right place.
We got your ding-dang-dongs and your do-re-mis and your ha-cha-chas, huh? [ Chuckles, Mumbles ] I'm trying to find a particular tune.
It's the one that goes like- ## [ Humming ] - Mom, is this the one you want? - ## [ Pop ] Yes! That's it! Lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman.
Oh, that's just what I need.
Another piranha in the tank.
##[Jukebox:Rock ] - A little more high test, darlin'? - Sure thing, Gwen.
I'll be right back with your pie, hon.
- Ah, that's a nice, friendly gal.
- Yeah.
Wouldn't it be great to live right here at the truck stop? Watching all the people come and go.
- You could have a different best friend every day.
- I suppose.
Great.
Now write your mother and tell her the marriage is off.
And then when the paperwork is done, I'll make Gwen my wife.
- Will that be all, sweetie? - For now.
The light's on.
All systems are ding-dong.
Come on, Mom.
Let's take it for a test drive.
It's not a toy, Lisa.
We'll just have to wait until someone comes.
Anyone? Anyone at all? Oh! Milhouse is selling seeds, and he's coming this way- Oh, the birds got him.
[ Screaming ] Not the face! If your father was here, there'd be process servers, repo men and bounty hunters to beat the band.
Wait! People are coming! - I think they'reJehovah's Witnesses.
- Yes! Wait, Marlin.
You know, I just had a thought.
Maybe we're bothering people by trying to change their religion.
What if we don't have all the answers? You're right, Nureen.
Let's go get real jobs.
Oh.
I would have feigned interest.
[ Humming ] Still no visitors.
It's time we opened up a can of Whup-Tushie on this situation.
What's the number for Luigi's? Dad's got it on the speed dial under ''fire.
'' This is it, honey.
We did it.
- Damn it! - Oh.
- [ Marge ] Ring the bell.
! - Why? You already know I'm here, don't you? - [ Marge ]Just do it.
! - Nothing doin', missy.
Now do you want your half order of garlic bread or not? - No.
But if you'll just ring the- - [ Tires Squealing ] Oh, that's it.
I'm putting an end to this.
- Lisa, no, no, don't! It won't be the- - ## [ Pop ] Oh.
It's heavenly.
[ Singing ] Why is it playing over again? Who cares? No one could ever get sick of this song.
[ Singing ] ##[ Suspenseful ] [ Man ] Hey, get that truck out ofhere.
! [ Chomping ] - [ Woman ] You mean, it ate Patrick too? - It ate everybody.
What about Erica? - It ate everybody! - It ate everybody, stupid! I bet old Red caught himself a mess of catfish with these fishing sticks.
- Uh-huh.
I bet he used bait.
- Relax, boy.
We're ahead of schedule.
Actually, we have to go Ten hours? We gotta roll! Uh, yeah.
I need something that'll keep me awake, alert and reckless all night long.
Well, Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these.
- Sold! - Hey, you can't that many pep pills at once.
No problem.
I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.
[ Chomping ] [ Giggling ] Okay, we're all set.
Let's put the pedal to the metal.
I wholeheartedly agree! Oh, man, I'm really wired.
This is a big mistake.
I- Oh, here come the sleeping pills.
So drowsy.
Pep pills! Perking up again! I could drive all night.
[ Snoring ] [ Both Snoring ] - [ Snoring ] - [ Beeping ] [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Bell Dings ] - [ Snoring ] Huh? [ Screams ] I fell asleep at the wheel! Hey.
[ Mumbles ] But we didn't crash.
It's a miracle! But we didn't crash.
It's a miracle! I fell asleep at the wheel, and the truck drove here by itself.
Yeah.
That Navi-Tron Auto-Drive System has made our jobs cushier than ever.
- The what now? - You know, this thing.
With this baby driving your truck for you all you gotta do is sit back and feel your ass grow.
- The trucks drive themselves? - Shh! Hey, hey.
Shh! Didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got going? I'm not really a trucker, so I don't talk to the rep that often.
All right, listen, pal.
Here's the deal.
You stumbled on the secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know.
[ Laughing ] - Hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel.
- [ Chittering ] We get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs.
Do you think anybody would hire us if they knew we weren't really driving the trucks? Wow! You guys are even lazier than me.
- Well, don't worry.
I'll keep your secret.
- See that you do.
- Hey, Bart.
Watch me run down this old lady.
- Dad, no! - [ Beeps ] - [ Screams ] [ Laughing ] The second I let go of the wheel, this little wonder kicks in.
And if scaring old ladies don't float your boat, watch this! [ Grunts ] Come on out, boy! It's windy! Wow! You're right, Dad.
It is windy! Hey, look.
Nobody's driving.
Well, will wonders never cease? Relax, everybody.
The Navi-Tron Auto-Drive System is driving the truck for me.
But keep it a secret.
It's a big scam, okay? [ Shutters Clicking ] What the hell? Breaker, breaker.
Looks like we got us a 1 0-38.
Uh, 1 0-38.
Uh, let's see.
Uh, ''outsider blabbing about auto-drive system.
'' Well, we'll have to teach our friend some discretion.
- Yeah.
Just like we did toJimmy Hoffa.
[ Chuckles ] - Hey, shut up! Calling all big rigs.
Motormouth on Highway 7.
You know what to do.
I need to get some sleep.
I have a test tomorrow in- [ Quoting Lyrics ] I mean, English.
Okay, okay.
Let me just get the wire cutters.
Oh.
Your father traded our tools for M&M's again.
Oh, the heck with it.
[ Groans ] ##[ Playing Faster ] - ##[ Continues, Faster ] - [ Dogs Howling ] ##[ Continues, Faster, Louder ] Look, Son.
It's one of nature's most beautiful sights.
The convoy! - He hit us! - Oh, I should have known.
- They're hazing us to initiate us into the truckers' fraternity.
- [ Crash ] Thank you, sir! May I have another? - Dad, they're trying to kill us! - Oh, why do all my trips end like this? - Eat water, good buddy! - [ Screams ] Whoa! Look at him roll! [ Grunts ] Oh! My good knife! My wife's gonna kill me.
- [ Homer ] I think we lost 'em, Bart.
- Dad, stop! Uh-oh.
Well, well, well.
Looks like we got ourselves a showdown, boy.
- All right.
- What are you doing? - I'm keeping a promise to an American roadmaster.
- Huh? Red! The trucker! - Big fat guy couldn't handle his steak? - Oh, yeah.
- We'll get past that barrier somehow.
- [ Beeping ] Old Blinky here will find a way.
- [ Engine Revving ] - [ Tires Squealing ] I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Red.
The risk is unacceptable.
I'm not Red.
I'm Homer.
- Gotta go! - Uh-oh.
- [ Screams ] - Dad, do something.
Something better! [ Screaming ] [ Both Screaming ] [ Screaming Continues ] Whoo-hoo! Now that man is a genuine, steel-belted, gear-jamming rig jockey.
- That's a fact.
- Boy howdy.
- You can say that again.
- Yeah.
Boys, I've been thinking.
Maybe it's time we ditched the high-tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddies did.
- Drunk? - No! No.
Using our hands and our wits.
Yeah, sure it's hard work and it's lonely as hell.
But it has meaning and dignity.
Huh? What do you say? Nah.
Let's just find some other scam.
Hey, how about bootlegging Beanie Babies? - Sounds good to me.
- Oh, I like that.
Yep, you're gonna make it, Dad.
Somewhere up there, I bet Red is saying thanks.
This is Red Barclay's shipment, on time as always.
All right, let's see.
Artichokes and migrant workers.
Looking good.
So where is old Red anyway? Well, the last time I saw him, he was in a big plastic bag.
Ha.
Yeah, that sounds like Red, all right.
Well, Son, I guess it's time to go home.
Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there? No.
But I'm sure the Good Lord will provide.
Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield! Thank you.
- ## [ Pop ] - [ All Shouting ] I'm really sorry, everybody.
But I've tried everything.
I'm afraid we're just going to have to learn to live with it.
No, no, no.
No dice! All right, Chimey, this time the bell tolls for thee.
Huh? Ayayay.
! Senor Ding-Dong! - ## [ Continues ] - I thought you were just a marketing gimmick.
There was a time when that was true.
But now I am so much more.
- ## [ Stops ] - [ Crowd Cheering ] Oh, my.
Gracias, senor.
De nada.
If you ever need me,just ring.
[ Engine Cranking ] Does anyone have any jumper cables? [ Engine Cranks, Stops ] [ Senor Ding-Dong ] Oh,you stinking Chevy.
! - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Simpsons Bible Stories
The Simpsons s10e18 Episode Script
Simpsons Bible Stories
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Homer, Bart Scream ] And as we pass the collection plate please give as though the person next to you were watching.
[ Groans, Sighs ] Oh, man.
This is the hottest Easter ever.
Even that praying mantis is losing it.
[ Groaning ] Thank you, Helen.
And thank you all for your kind contrib- [ Gasps ] A chocolate bunny? Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate? - [ Congregation Gasps ] - Relax.
I found it in the Dumpster.
Perhaps we need a hefty dose of the good book.
[ Marge Groans ] ''In the beginning''- Excuse me, Reverend.
It's hard to hear you with those fans going.
- Well, let's get those off then.
- [ Homer Groans ] ''In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
'' - Which brings us back to our- - [ Snores ] Ooh.
Ooh! [ Animals Purring, Calling ] What a beautiful garden.
- It's almost like paradise.
- [ Homer ] Heads up.
! Whee! [ Grunts ] [ Gasps ] - Well, hello.
- Aren't you hurt? Of course not.
There's no pain in the Garden of Eden.
Hey, you must be Eve.
Mmm, I guess.
Looks like God made you out of my sexiest rib.
[ Growls ] - Speaking of ribs, is there any grub around here? - Is there! Good morning, Adam.
Any bacon for you then? Don't mind if I do.
[ Ned ] Hi-diddly-ho, paradise dwellers! - [ Gasps ] - Good morning, Lord.
I just have to compliment you on this beautifully crafted mate.
- Oh, Adam, you're too kind.
- No, you're too kind and wise and righteous.
I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, please! You're gonna give me a swelled head.
I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.
Well, some general-interest magazines would be nice.
You got it, Eve.
- There you go.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, I better skedaddle.
Oh, there's one more weensy little thing.
See that tree over there? I hate to be a bossy Betty See that tree over there? I hate to be a bossy Betty but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit.
No problem, Lord.
And it would be even easier to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives.
- [ Groans ] - I'm just sayin'.
- [ Chittering ] - Oh, how cute.
Let's call this little guy a groundhog.
- Sorry, I already gave him a name: land monster.
- Really? Well, what do you call that thing on the branch? - [ Hisses ] - Branch monster.
[ Snake ] Please, please, call me Snake.
Yo, have you dudes sampled this fruit? It's, like, God's private stash.
But he said it was forbidden.
Quite so, mum.
I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite.
And, well, that was the last of- Egad! Please stop eating that.
God's going to be furious.
You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.
You know what would loosen you up? A little fruit.
Mmm, well, it is a sin to waste food.
And you keep saying we need to do things together.
Hmm.
- Mmm! This could really spice up those pies I've been making.
- [ Thunderclap ] - [ Ned ] What the dickens? - [ Gasps ] Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit? - Ohh.
- ## [ Whistling ] Yes, God.
Doggone it, Eve.
I think you'd better hightail it out of this garden! Adam, say something! Uh, um- Uh, I think we should see other people.
- You heard me.
Vamoose! - [ Gasps ] [ Groans ] [ Whines ] Oh! Usually a mink massage makes me feel better.
But something's missing now.
I didn't say stop.
Lovely day in paradise, isn't it? Yeah.
Just like yesterday.
Today I'm featuring mouthwatering pork ribs.
Tuck in then.
[ Sloshing, Snapping ] Oh.
I gave a rib to Eve, and now she's gone forever.
One whole rib and still standing.
Well, aren't you the plucky one, sir? - Come on! - Oh, poor Eve.
What are you doing out there in that horrible place? I'm toiling.
What does it look like? Oh, this is my fault.
I should have stood up for you during that whole ''Applegate'' thing.
Well, it's a little late for apologies now.
Don't say that.
Maybe I can sneak you back in.
I mean, God can't be everywhere at once, right? [ Whistling, Scatting ] Somebody order a hole? Ooh, that's a tight squeeze.
- [ Gasping ] - Oh, thank you.
- Are you okay? - I'll be fine.
Just give me a second to- [ Groans ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Homer ] Come on, Eve.
! Hurry.
! [ Grunting ] Oh, my dear sweet Eve.
I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush.
[ Thunderclap ] - So! This is how you repay me, Adam! - [ Gasps ] - [ Both Groan ] - And after I created my fingers to the bone for you.
I- [ Gasps, Screams ] My unicorn! Oh, what have they done to you, Gary? Oh, there, there.
I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord.
Oh, shut up! You are so banished.
Hey, now let's not do anything rash.
God is love, right? - [ Screams ] - God, you have every right to flick me out too.
But before you- [ Screams ] Oh, my back! So this must be that pain thing.
[ Groans ] Oh, yeah.
Definitely pain.
[ Animal Howling In Distance ] This sucks.
Things were so much better back in the garden.
I'm sure God will let us return soon.
I mean, how long can he hold a grudge? - [ Reverend Lovejoy ] ''Forever- - Hmm? ''and ever and ever, a''- And that concludes Genesis the first of the 66 books of the Bible.
[ Clears Throat ] Moving on to Exodus- [ Groaning ] [ Laughing, Chattering ] And Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begatJacob and who did he beget? [ Blows Note ] All right.
Let's go, you wee Israelites.
Back to slavin'.
[ All Groan ] [ Groaning ] Man, captivity blows.
- Talk to the whip.
[ Grunts ] - [ Yelps ] [ Whinnying ] On your knees, ya mugs! It's the pharaoh! Ah, excellent progress, Slave Driver Willie.
- Kudos on your whipping.
- Oh, he noticed! Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb! - Who did this? - [ Chuckles ] Come on, confess.
Don't make me slay all the firstborn males again.
Bart did it.
I saw him do it.
Take him away, boys.
No! The bush set me up! As for the rest of you, it's time for a little discipline.
Slave Driver, put away the encouragement whip and break out the cruel whip.
[ All Gasp, Murmur] - [ Grunts ] - [ All Yelp ] Heh! That's the new omni-lash, boys.
-Just look at that snapback.
- Yeah, it's sweet.
We can't keep living like this.
Moses, ask Pharaoh to let your people go.
Oh, now they're my people.
Scrub harder, slave! I want to be able to eat off that thing! And make it snappy.
It's almost lunchtime.
I think Moses here has something to ask you.
Go! - Uh, let my people go.
- Let your people go? I've never heard such insolence! You call yourselves slaves? [ Both Groaning ] Well, the ball's in his court now.
All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs.
Krabapatra.
''Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird.
'' Mm-hmm.
Very good.
Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head guy doing this- - [ Croaking ] - What? What the- - Keep that plague coming, Moses.
- Frogs away! [ Laughing ] We spent all our money, but it was worth it.
Now he's gotta let us go! Mmm.
Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten.
Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.
It's a plague, you moron! And we got lots more planned.
And there's nothing you can do about it! - [ Both Scream ] - So long, kids.
Give my regards to the British Museum.
[ Chuckles ] [ Both Screaming ] [ Both Grunt ] Do you think we could ever be more than just friends? Not now, Moses! We gotta find a way outta here.
I know we built a secret passage in here somewhere.
I found it! We're outta here! Uh-oh.
[ Gasping ] [ Together] Help! Eh, slave labor.
You get what you pay for.
- Whee! - Whoo! - Whee! - ## [ Blows ] [ All ] Huh? Our time has come! Follow me to freedom! - [ Cheering ] - ## [ Blows ] ##[ Continues ] Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are ''exodusing'' as we speak.
Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
Okay.
But who's gonna build your pyramids? Well, we cou-After them! [ Sighs ] We'll never be able to swim that far.
[ Whinnying ] - Oy, caramba.
! - Screw this! I'm converting! Save us, O mighty Ra! Hey, cut that out! I have an idea.
All right, Moses.
Lead your people! Flush! [ Toilets Flushing ] It's a miracle! I performed a miracle! I'm a genius! Yeah, yeah.
Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time! After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea.
- Aw, nuts.
- [ Horses Whinnying ] [ Gasping ] - [ Skinner ] Oh.
! - Hey, Chief.
He splashed me! Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay? You just splash him back.
[ Cheering ] Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt.
So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey? Hmm.
Well, actually it looks like we're in for 40 years of wandering the desert.
Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for theJews, right? Uhh- [ Quavering ] More or less.
Hey, is that manna? [ Cheering ] Now we come to King Solomon, whose wisdom was like a drill boring into the rock of injustice.
Boring.
Boring.
Boring.
[ Yawns ] King Solomon, these men need you to settle a dispute.
They each claim ownership of this pie.
Hmm.
The pie shall be cut in two.
And each man shall receive death.
- [ Gasps ] - I'll eat the pie.
Okay, next up- ''Jesus Christ versus Checker Chariot.
'' - Ow.
Dad, you're sitting on my arm.
- [ Grunts ] ''And after David smote Goliath ''the people crowded into the temple- - [ Wheezing ] - ''where a cool breeze blew not.
And their hearts were filled with crankiness.
'' - [ Groans ] - And once again- [ Harp ] I'm bored.
Send in my jester.
Hey, hey, King David! [ Chuckles ] How ya doin'? Now, I'm not saying Jezebel's easy but before she moved to Sodom it was known for its pottery.
- [ Laughs ] - What else you got? Well, wait a minute.
I got something on the Canaanites.
Oh.
They are so stupid- [ Groaning ] [ Crowd Gasps ] Methuselah, my oldest friend, who did this to you? Oh, it was Goliath.
But Goliath is dead.
I smote him myself.
I ''smoted'' him good.
No, it was his son, Goliath II.
[ Grunts ] No-o-o! Goliath II is gonna pay.
And this time it's biblical.
I'll just give Goliath II the old rock to the head applause, applause, you gotta believe in yourself, stay in school, and we're outta here.
- I don't know, Davey.
- Quiet, you.
- Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey.
- [ Thudding ] [ Gasps ] Let's get it on! See ya later, Davey.
You killed my best friend! [ All ] Ooh-hoo! You killed my father, who was like a best friend! [ All ] Ooh-hoo! All I need is my trusty sling and one good, hard, um- Say, how's tomorrow for you? [ Gasps ] [ Groaning ] - [ Groans ] - What say you now, Goliath? Without your precious hair, you no longer possess your fantastic strength! - That's Samson, idiot! - [ Gulps ] [ Frightened Yelps ] [ All Gasp ] Let my proclamation go out across the land: - Ha-ha! - [ All ] Ha-ha! [ Screams ] Oh.
I hope this doesn't get into the Bible.
You're King David.
I love you, 'cause you kill people.
Get yourself another hero, kid.
I'm all washed up.
[ Grunts ] Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.
[ Sheep Bleating ] [ Humming ] Goliath II is really gonna pay! Get ready to meet the first action hero.
- [ Bleats ] - Wow.
- ##['80s Rock ] - [ Grunting ] [ Grunts ] Ow! ##[ Ends ] All right.
It's giant-slaying time.
- [ Groaning ] - Oops.
- [ Shouts, Grunts ] - Crap.
[ Groans ] How am I supposed to get up there? [ Burps ] Jonah! Oh! You died the way you lived- inside a whale.
[ Gasps ] Hmm.
[ Grunting ] I trampled four giant-slayers today.
I think I earned this.
Don't you know smoking stunts your growth? Well, well, well, if it isn't the little prince.
I'm not afraid of you, Goliath.
Before, I was arrogant.
But now my heart is humbled.
And my spirit is- [ Groaning, Whimpering ] What do you know? A king fit for a meal.
Hope I don't give you heartburn! [ Grunts ] [ Gulps ] [ Screams ] [ Groaning ] Huh? Great news, everyone.
Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant.
Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again- [ Shouts ] [ Screams ] - [ Crunching ] - [ Screams ] [ Thuds ] - Ralph, I thought you were dead.
- Nope! Rejoice, good people.
! Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more.
! - But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.
- Wha- He built roads, hospitals, libraries.
To us he was Goliath the Consensus Builder.
- You're under arrest for ''megacide.
'' - [ Whines ] - [ Grunts ] - Where's your messiah now? [ All Laughing ] - [ Groans, Gasps ] - [ Snoring ] - Mmm.
Mmm.
- Huh? [ Clears Throat ] [ Gasps ] Everyone's gone.
Oh, how embarrassing.
Ooh, we slept right through church.
Eh, it's not the end of the world.
[ All Gasping ] [ All Laughing ] Oh, no! It's the apocalypse! - Bart, are you wearing clean underwear? - Not anymore.
It's the rapture! And I never knew true love.
I never used those pizza coupons! ##[ Angelic Vocalizing ] - Why aren't we ascending into heaven? - [ Rumbling ] Oh, right.
The sins.
Wha- Ohh! - Where do you think you're going, missy? - Dad! [ All Scream ] [ Sniffing ] Ooh! I smell barbecue! [ Giggling ] Hey, look! [ Screams ] Oh, they're out ofhot dogs.
! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it.
! [ Screams ] German potato salad.
! ##[ Hard Rock ] ##[ Hard Rock ] ##[ Ends ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Mom and Pop Art
The Simpsons s10e19 Episode Script
Mom and Pop Art
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Whoo-hoo! [ Singing ] - Homer! - ## [ Singing ] - I said, Homer! - ## [ Ends ] Marge, I'm out of beer! You know, Homie, a lot of men use their Saturdays to do things around the house.
Hint, hint.
But, Marge, I'm not like other men.
That's why you buy my pants at that special store! I'm serious! You never finished painting the garage.
And you still haven't taken down those awful hostage ribbons from the old oak tree.
Oh, you know as soon as I take 'em down, there'll just be more hostages.
And you could at least get that snake out of the piano.
- ## [ Middle Eastern ] - [ Hissing ] Fine, I'll drop everything I'm doing just for you! [ Slurps ] But you'll have to live with the guilt of ruining my Saturday.
Can you live with that, Marge? Huh? Can ya? - Yup! - Can ya? - [ Groans ] - [ Thuds ] [ Ned ] God bless him.
! [ Doorbell Chimes ] - Excuse me.
I have a few questions for Pop.
- That's me.
You're Pop? No offense, but even I could kick your ass.
Hey, get off my case! The only reason I'm working here is 'cause I'm trying to get a date with Mom.
Look, Pop.
I'm planning some expert home repairs and I need a pair of bolt cutters or wire cutters or something to get the lock off my toolbox.
Aisle one, next to the cat poison.
Edna, look.
A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest.
You mean the janitor's closet? Ha! [ Sighs ] What's the matter, Edna? Lately you just say, ''Ha!'' to everything.
I want a baby now.
! Why don't we continue this in Pool Supplies? Hi, I'm Doug Vaccaro.
You know me as Chip, the wisecracking assistant on the hit sitcom Toolin'Around.
[ Titters ] A man in an apron! [ Chuckles ] But today I'm here as a ''tool'' of Global Dynamics Corp.
You know, installing your own barbecue pit is no harder than adding an aviary or Olympic-size swimming pool.
- In fact, it's a snap.
- [ Fingers Snap ] - Or if you're not into chicken- - No, no! I'm into chicken! How about wild boar? Or swordfish? Or hippo? Mmm.
Hippo.
[ Guttural Sigh ] [ Male Announcer] Lighthearted apron not included.
Snapping fingers may not make food appear.
How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit? Can I burn evidence in it? We can all burn evidence in it.
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it, honey? Dad, I really need to rest my back.
Okay, sweetie.
Daddy'll take over.
Oh, yeah.
That's a fine-looking- D'oh! Okay, no big deal.
[ Straining ] [ Shrieks ] Stupid Lisa! [ Panting ] Gotta build fast.
Cement drying! All right, let's see.
Ohh.
English side ruined! Must use French instructions! ''Le grille''? What the hell is that? [ Groans ] Come here.
Get- Uh.
Come on.
Fit, you- [ Muttering ] Huh? [ Groaning ] Ahh.
! Yeah.
! That's one fine-looking barbecue pit.
Why doesn't mine look like that? [ Screams ] Why? Da-Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? [ Crying ] How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done.
- [ Screams ] - Yeah, he's done.
[ Doorbell Chimes ] [ Clears Throat ] I'd like to return this barbecue kit.
All returned items must be in a box and accompanied by a receipt.
Well, if you'll follow the flashlight you'll see the receipt embedded here and here and elements of the box here, here and possibly here.
Sorry.
I didn't get this hammer hat - by handing out refunds.
- [ Groans ] [ Grunting ] Come on! Get- Ohh! Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus.
That box is for toys only.
Well, of course.
Any kid would love to have this, uh, activity center.
- It teaches them while they learn.
- Yeah.
Nice try, St.
Nick.
Now hit the road, Kriss Kringle.
- But- But- - You heard me, Pere Noel.
[ Groans ] - What you got there? - Beanie Baby.
[ Squeaking ] I'll never get rid of it.
- It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! - [ Thudding ] All right! My bumper fell off.
[ Horns Honking ] Not my fault.
Act of God, act of God.
[ Chuckles ] [ Horn Blares, Dies ] Uh-oh.
Uh- Ahh! [ Singing ] Homie, someone's at the door.
They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident? Take the kids out back.
I'll handle this.
Mr.
Simpson? I believe something of yours struck my car yesterday.
Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it? Uh- [ Crying ] All right! Just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000.
I'm not here to sue you.
My name is Astrid Weller.
I own an art gallery, and I'd love to display your piece.
You mean this hunk of junk? This isn't art.
It's just a barbecue that pushed me over the edge.
Didn't you? Didn't you? You stupid- [ Shouting ] Uh, art isn't just pretty pictures.
It's an expression of raw human emotion.
In your case, rage.
Oh, I got that, lady.
Is everything okay? I got worried when I didn't hear any shots.
- This lady says I'm an artist.
- You? An artist? Your husband's work is what we call ''outsider art.
'' - It could be by a mental patient or a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
- [ Gasps ] In high school I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee! Well, you should be very excited because outsider art couldn't be hotter.
So you'd better catch the fever.
Catch it! [ Chattering ] [ Munching ] Dad, chew with your mouth closed.
You're losing your mystique.
Lisa, all great artists love free food.
Check outJasperJohns.
You squeal on me, I'll kill you.
[ Groans ] I don't know.
I studied art for years, but I just don't get this.
Sounds like somebody's jealous.
No, I'm not.
I just can't believe some people are paying hundreds of dollars for something a hillbilly pulled out of the trash.
Hey, I done studied for years on how to get over that junkyard fence.
Then I learnt the gate was open.
Smithers, I think I'm in love! - Hah! - With this sculpture.
Sir, that's by Homer Simpson.
I don't think you want to buy it.
Smithers, years ago I blew the chance to buy Picasso's Guernica for a song.
Luckily that song was ''White Christmas'' and by hanging on to it, I made billions.
Anyway, I love this hideous thing.
Young lady, I'll take it! Congratulations, Homer.
- You're now a professional artist.
- Whoo-hoo! Look, Marge! My first sale! - In your face,JasperJohns! - Huh? [ Homer Grunting ] Where you going with that junk, Dad? I'm gonna be an outsider artist.
That way I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia and antiques into something valuable.
Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture.
But don't you think it may have been a fluke? Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.
That's my life you're describing! I think I remember my own life, Marge.
Astrid said the key to my art is anger.
But you know me.
I'm Mr.
Mellow.
- [ Together] Hmm? - So I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad.
- Come on.
Give me what you got.
- Well, if it'll help.
Uh, Mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.
[ Grunting ] Good work, honey.
Keep it coming.
Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.
[ Shouting, Screaming ] Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer.
And these are my fans: Gunter, Kyoto and Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil-Cecil.
So, uh, you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How's that working out for you? Eh, to be honest, we are adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
Uh-huh.
So, uh, where might this sea be located? Hmm? I must get back to my hotel and practice my affectations for tomorrow.
Bonsoir.
! [ Pops ] - What do we owe you, Moe? - Nothing, nothing.
Just give me a priceless sketch with a certificate of authenticity.
All right.
[ Muttering ] Hey, Moe! Can I pay with a drawing? - Yeah.
Nice try there, twelve step.
- [ Groans ] [ Bird Squawks ] Uh, Homer, you're making us a little bit uncomfortable.
Relax, big guy.
He's just doing this for his art.
Right, Homer? Oh, yeah, art.
Here he is.
This is where the magic happens.
- Wonderful news, Homer.
- Is it about pies? I, um- No.
We're going to hold a show devoted entirely to you.
Wow! It's like Marge's dream come true- for me! Isn't that great, Marge? For me.
[ Groans ] Look, Marge.
They're advertising my show in Art in America.
It's the first time I've been mentioned there- that I know of.
- I'm happy for you.
Now good night.
- Good night.
You're upset about something.
Is this about that trip Barney and I took to Machu Picchu? Oh, Homer, being an artist was my dream.
But now, without even trying you've accomplished more in a week than I have in my whole life.
Aw, honey.
I've always liked your art.
Your paintings look like the things they look like.
That's sweet.
But how would you like it if I- I don't know- entered a belching contest.
Frankly, I'd be a little turned on.
[ Groans ] You don't understand.
Marge, I've screwed up everything I've ever done.
I mean, look at Bart.
But I finally found something where people worship me for screwing up.
And that feels pretty good.
Well, I guess nothing else matters as long as you're happy.
Now you're making sense.
Good night.
[ Snoring ] Then I bought a Rembrandt- [ Burps ] Homer is the most dangerous artist on the Springfield scene.
[ Applause ] I give you Botched Hibachi.
The tricycle's on loan from the Maggie Simpson collection.
This piece I call Failed Shelving Unit with Stupid Stuck Chain Saw and Applesauce.
And finally, my thing de resistance Attempted Birdhouse I.
[ Squawking ] [ All Murmuring ] Shall we start the bidding at, say, $1 0,000? [ Throats Clearing ] All right.
How about a million? I'll give you two bucks for the bird if it's still alive.
What's going on here? You weirdos love this stuff.
Homer, I'm afraid they only love what's new and shocking.
These pieces are just like your earlier work.
You've gone from hip to boring.
Why don't you call us when you get to kitsch? [ Chuckles ] Come on, Gunter, Kyoto.
- If we hurry, we can still catch the heroin craze.
- Mmm! Wait! Come back! I'm a god to you! Worship me or fear my wrath! Oh, please, fear my wrath! Please! Call me.
I don't get it.
Why don't people like my art anymore? Homer, I know you worked hard.
But all of your things were kind of the same.
Hey, RayJ.
Johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been.
- Who? - You can call him Ray.
Or you can call him J.
Or you can call him RayJ.
- But you doesn't have to call him- - I'm sick of him already.
The point is, great artists are always trying new things like Michelangelo or Shaquille O'Neal.
You just need some inspiration.
It's so exciting to do something cultural together.
Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw! Ow! Oh, no! I'm being erased! Move it, bub.
! We got an installation to ''installate.
'' Ooh! A Claes Oldenburg.
He's a European who defied convention - and embraced American popular culture.
- [ Impressed Whistle ] He must be a hundred feet tall.
Now this is a Joseph Turner.
In an era when everyone else painted portraits he broke away by painting the Venetian canals.
It's glorious! The streets are paved with water! You could ride a walrus to work! And Picasso started out painting realistically, then moved on to cubism.
By the end of his life, he was just painting crank letters to the editor.
They call it his AngryJerk Period.
[ Guttural Sigh ] Mmm, split-pea.
[ Gasps ] With ham! - Any ideas yet? - No.
These guys are geniuses.
I could never think of something like soup or a pencil.
Oh! I'm just gonna rest for a minute.
[ Snoring ] [ Growling ] [ Sniffing ] - What the-Who the- Hey! - [ Karate Yells ] [ Grunting, Groaning ] You're mean.
Hasta la vista, baby! [ Groaning ] Hmm? Uhh! What the- Eww! [ Gasps ] D'oh! - [ Grunts ] - Soup's on, fat boy.
! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! - No! Yo, Andy, no! - Homer! Homer! Marge! Oh, why does art hate me? I never did anything to art.
Oh.
Let's get out of here.
Well, Dad, if the museum didn't inspire you maybe you should do something really radical, like Christo.
Is he that jerk that revealed the magicians' secrets? No, Christo is a conceptual artist who does huge outdoor projects.
He once wrapped the Reichstag in plastic.
- Not the Reichstag! - Oh, yes.
And he also set up hundreds of yellow umbrellas along a California highway.
- Why did he do that? - To make the world a more magical place, I guess.
Although they did blow over and kill some people.
Killer umbrellas? Of course.
Exquisite.
No, Dad.
No, my point is you have to do something big and daring.
Big? Daring? Lisa, that's it! I've got an idea for a wonderful art project that'll make everyone love me again! Step one: steal all the doormats in town.
Hit the road, ''Welcome Home''! Adios, ''Casa de Flanders''! See ya in hell, ''God Bless This House.
'' So long, ''The Simpsons''! D'oh.
! Step two:snorkel the animals.
[ Panting ] It wasn't easy, but I got all the grizzlies.
Great.
I'll do the pony while you do the lions.
Make sure you strap 'em on real tight.
Now, step three.
Are you sure this is art- [ Coughs ] and not vandalism? That's for the courts to decide, Son.
[ Birds Twittering ] [ Creaking ] [ Homer On Bullhorn ] Wake up.
! Wake up, Springfield.
! I've got a surprise for you.
Oh, Lord! What now? - [ Chittering ] - Oh, that can't be good.
People of Springfield, behold my latest work! Homer, what have you done? It's conceptual art- The Grand Canals of Springfield.
Just like Venice, without the black plague.
- What do you think? - I think some people are going to be upset.
I love it, Homer! You've turned this town into a work of art! I just wish JasperJohns hadn't stolen my boat.
Aah! So long, suckers.
! Well, they're in the business.
Real people might not be so understanding.
What the flood? Maude, it's a miracle.
! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
[ Gasps ] Isn't that Homer Simpson? [ Scoffs ] Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.
Ohh! I hate these flood pants.
Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone-dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse! [ Men, Women ] Ahh.
! ##[ Man Singing Love Song ] Edna, I'm gonna pop you a question and I hope the answer is yes.
Do you think mother would like this hat pin? Oh.
Yes.
Oh, you've made me the happiest man on Earth! Well, Homer, I have to admit you created something people really love.
You truly are an artist.
No.
I'm just a nut who couldn't build a barbecue.
You'll always be the artist in the family.
- Aww.
- Is that our house? - Yep.
- And is that us on the roof? - That's us.
- Are we kissing? Oh, I don't know.
Could be.
I need some inspiration.
##[ Man Singing Love Song Continues ] Yoink! ##[ Continues ] ##[ Ends ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  The Old Man and the 'C' Student
The Simpsons s10e20 Episode Script
The Old Man and the 'C' Student
[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - 'Scuse me.
Pardon me.
'Scuse me.
- [ Marge Groans ] - Hmm.
- Hey.
Ah, but Paris would make a tres bon site for the next Olympic Games.
And why is that? We don't have to explain ourselves to the likes of you! I await your reply.
I recommend Moscow, where the American dollar buys seven rubles.
- [ Pager Beeps ] - Twelve rubles.
- [ Beeping Continues ] - Sixty rubles.
1 ,000 rubles! I must go! - I suggest Motown.
- Detroit.
No, no.
Mongolia Town- home of the Motown sound.
[ Vocalizing ] You are all crazy! The answer is Buenos Aires.
- Hokkaido! - Budapest.
! - Cleveland! - England! - Bangkok! - People! People! Please.
You are forgetting what the Olympics are all about- giving out medals of beautiful gold so-so silver and shameful bronze.
- [ All Murmuring ] - [ Woman ] It's so true.
I have here a letter from a little girl named Lisa Simpson.
She says her town might not be important enough to host the Olympics but she asks if the torch could just pass by so she can experience the glow that we feel every day.
Well, I say we don't bring her the torch.
I say we bring her the Olympic Games! - Who is with me? - [ Cricket Chirps ] Well, I don't care.
It's my decision.
Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics.
Economists predict our city will experience the same boom that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1 984 Games.
And it's all because of your letter, Lisa.
Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment.
Everyone else wrote to the Backstreet Boys.
To honor the arrival of our foreign friends- and enemies- Channel 6 is sponsoring a contest to find a Springfield Olympic mascot.
The winner will join such other memorable mascots as the Atlanta whatsit and the Montreal vampire.
A mascot contest? I'm sure to win that- unless one of you jinxes me.
No one's gonna jinx you, Homer.
In fact, we're rooting for you.
- Yeah.
Go for the gold, Dad.
- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Well, you said I couldn't do it, but here it is.
Meet Abby, the Olympic Tabby! [ Bart ] How'd you get the eyes to move? - [ Plaintive Meowing ] - [ Gasps ] You papier-mached my cat? Just for the prototype, honey.
[ Meows ] - [ Hisses ] - [ Yelps ] Knowing you always hate my first idea, I prepared a backup.
How about a big Olympic hello for Springy- the Springfield spring! [ Bart ] Those aren't the dog's eyes, are they? - Hey, that's cute.
- Good work, Dad.
It's fun for the whole family.
And the ends are razor sharp- to protect our nation and its interests.
- Ow! - God bless America.
[ Spray Can Rattles ] - [ Squeaking ] - Hit the road, Lefty.
You too, Rizzo.
- [ Chirps ] - Oh, Cinnamon, don't make this harder than it already is.
[ Crowd Cheering ] Bravo, Springfield.
- I have never seen such a clean sewer.
- [ Chuckles ] And we are positively inspired by your solar power plant.
Yes.
Love that sun, man.
We will do anything, including but not limited to anything to make your stay here tolerable.
Yes.
You'll be completely above the law.
Uh, women, guns, cash- whatever you need.
It's yours.
- [ Man ] Ach du Lieber.
! - [ Wolf Whistle ] - [ All Murmuring ] - And that's not all.
We've just chosen our official Olympic mascot.
- [ Crowd Oohs and Aahs ] - [ Applause ] [ Gasps ] They picked Springy! In your face, Patty and Selma! - Well, we still love you, Ciggy.
- Yeah.
Mmm! That glue really gives it a pop.
And now, because the children are our future here are the children of Springfield Elementary with a song they call ''The Children Are Our Future.
'' - Children? - ##[ Up Tempo ] [ Singing ] ##[ Continues ] I've never wanted a beer worse in my life.
[ Gasp ] I love you, honey.
Are you talking to me or the beer? To you, my bubbly, long-necked, beechwood-aged lover.
[ Continue Singing ] - ## [ Ends ] - Bravo! Magnifigue.
! Muy bueno.
It gives me great pride to officially declare the next Olympics will be held right here in- Wait! Wait! We have one more act.
The patriotic comedy stylings of Bart Simpson! - [ Man ] Oh, fine.
- Thank you, thank you.
- So, uh, you're from Russia, huh? - Da.
- You drunk yet? - Da.
Poland, eh? [ Chuckles ] Too easy.
How ya doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman.
''Kees'' me, or I'll crush you.
[ Laughing Hysterically ] - He says what we're all thinking.
- I'm not thinking that.
Hey, Swiss miss.
There's no missin' you, babe.
- Lay off the cocoa.
- [ Laughter ] [ Mutters In German ] Now I'd like to say one last thing to our Olympic representatives.
If there was a medal for horrible audiences, you'd get the gold.
- Peace out.
- [ Loud Feedback ] [ Gasps, Grunts ] [ Tires Screeching ] Skinner! Skinner! How could you put this boy on with that horrible material? Well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal.
- And he didn't even get to his Ubangi routine.
- [ Laughing ] Ha, ha, ha.
Laugh it up, ya punks.
'Cause you and Jan Murray here just cost our town the Olympics.
- Hey, Chalmers.
Where are you from? - Huh? Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
- Uh, why do you ask? - Don't worry, sir.
I'll teach these children some respect for their town.
I'm assigning each of you - [ Groaning, Grumbling ] - Community service? - No, no! - Intercourse? - What if we refuse? - You won't pass to the next grade.
I fail to see the threat.
Skinner! Good idea.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca.
Let's see you make a joke out of that, Mr.
Smart Guy.
All right, Martin.
For your community service you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner-city street gangs.
All right, gang.
Shirts and skins.
- Let's hustle.
- [ Gunshot ] [ Tires Screeching ] - Milhouse, do you like the beach? - Who doesn't? Good.
I want you to pick up all this medical waste that's washed up on the shore here.
Ow! I pricked myself.
Well,just keep working.
You'll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later.
[ Sighs ] - What are ya gonna do to me? - Bart, not all community service is gang warfare and dangerous infection.
And to illustrate that point, here's where you'll be working.
The fireworks, candy and puppy dog store? [ Puppies Yipping ] No, no, no.
Next to it.
Settle a bet.
Boil or mole? [ Groans ] Okay.
Just breathe through your mouth and don't ask how they're feeling.
##[ Muzak ] - [ All Groaning ] - [ Creaking ] Oh, man.
- [ Wheezing Groan ] - [ Yelps ] Whoa! - [ Grunts ] - [ Dentures Chattering ] - Aren't you a beautiful- - Let's pull his skin.
- [ Yelps ] - Look at that.
Oh, be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle.
[ Shuddering ] - Oh, goody! - Whew! Saved by the bell.
Whoa! - Where do you think you're goin'? - [ Gulps ] Oh, no.
Lise, they got you too? Got me? What are you talking about? I got a nice diagonal goin' here.
B-3.
- You sunk my battleship.
- [ All Laughing ] G-52.
- You sunk my battleship.
- [ All Laughing ] Oh! I got a bingo! What do I win? - A banana.
- A whole one? - Yep.
- That's the prize? A banana? Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity.
They're not babies, Lisa.
Give 'em something fun- like cigars or booze.
We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas but it led to widespread ''de-shawling.
'' Well, that's what they get for wearing such tight little shawls.
- Oh! - [ Chuckles ] - Okay.
4:00.
Nap time.
- [ All Snoring ] - You tell 'em when to sleep? - [ Whispering ] Shh.
Don't wake them.
[ Vacuums Whirring ] While they sleep, we suck up excess dirt and crumbs.
Here you go.
Make sure you get into every crevice.
- [ Snoring ] - Cool.
Grampa.
Homer.
Grampa.
Homer.
Don't play with the faces.
So, Bart, how was your first day of forced volunteerism? That place sucks.
The nurses don't let Grampa do anything.
They practically chew his food for him.
Lucky stiff.
I'm workin' my ass off here.
Good steak, honey.
The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart.
They thrive on consistency, predictability and a life with no surprises.
Sounds good to me.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] - I'll get it! - [ Laughing ] - Delivery for Homer Simpson.
[ Grunting ] Mmm! Whoo-hoo! My springs.
They finally came.
But we lost the Olympics to Shelbyville.
Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs.
- To who? - Idiots.
Ooh! These are fun.
Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett.
Where will I go? - What'll I do? - Frankly, my dear- [ Different Male Voice ] I love you.
Let's remarry.
- Ahh.
That's sweet.
- What a lovely ending.
They cut out the best word.
Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you.
You've been warned.
- Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat.
- [ Waves Lapping, Gulls Crying ] Ah.
Can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair? - [ Man ] Oh, boy.
- Or scalps.
Say, I hear a foghorn.
[ Imitating Foghorn ] Boring! Come on, Bart.
We don't want to overstimulate these people.
They just had pudding.
[ Doorbell Rings ] Hello, little girl.
Is your mommy home? You'll need to ask her for five dollars to buy Mr.
Bouncy Best Friend.
I know you.
Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics.
- [ Agnes Grunts ] - [ Skinner ] Who is it, Mother? - Bart Simpson's father.
- Oh.
I'll be right down.
[ Footsteps ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [ Grunting ] Ow! Ow! Ow! [ Grunting ] Boy, Lenny,you sure look hungry.
- Have some nuts.
- Hey, thanks.
- Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! - [ Chuckling ] Now, if you wanna be the life of the party like Lenny here just place your order for this hilarious novelty item.
- [ Lenny Screaming ] - Homer, get outta here.
Boy, Moe, you sure look angry.
- Here.
Have some nuts.
- Hey, thanks.
Ow! God! My eye! - Ow! Get it out! Geez! Gaagh! - [ Lenny Yelping ] Don't pull.
Don't pull.
[ Groans ] I said don't pull! Don't.
! Now we're pulling into port.
Ah! And who's waiting for us at the dock? Why, it's all your childhood dogs! I see Petey and Blackie and Schnoodle.
- Oh, no! Pirates! - Pirates! Ahoy, mateys! It's me- Long Bart Silver.
- And I'm gonna rip you a new I.
V.
hole.
- [ All Gasp, Shudder] - Bart, what are you doing? - I'm just trying to liven things up around here.
These people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin' electric guitars like the old people on TV.
Excuse me.
But when those pirates boarded I swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping.
- Get me some ipecac.
I'd like to expunge it.
- [ Sighs ] Okay, she's gone.
Let's break out of here and have some fun.
- Shouldn't we ask someone first? - If I get up, somebody will take my chair.
Got that right.
It's the only one left with padding.
[ All ] Padding.
[ Sighs ] What about you, Chief? Don't you wanna be free like the eagle? Oh, I don't live here.
I'm just dropping off Indian casino pamphlets.
Vote ''yes'' on Prop 21 7.
[ Grunts ] You know, the door was open, Chief Break Everything.
Come on, people.
You don't wanna stay in a place where they vacuum you while you sleep.
- They do what now? - Now's our chance.
Let's go! - [ All Shouting ] - [ Woman ] I'm gonna follow him.
Oh, no.
Bart has stolen the elderly.
[ Yelps ] Forgot my hat.
- ##['60s Pop ] - [ Cheering, Whooping ] Oy! [ Laughing ] [ Shouting ] [ Both Grunting ] Oy! [ Murmurs ] [ Murmurs ] Uh-oh! ##[ Ends ] Ow! Today's grass is far sharper than the grass in my day.
Hey, everybody.
! How'd you like to go on a real boat trip? - Oh, that would be nice.
- I'm there! Arr! Not a looker among 'em.
Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes! What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos? I want some taquitos.
[ Homer ] Welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow- today.
! - How much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan? - Nothing.
Don't answer yet.
Watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help of God's greatest creation- the spring! Now watch this.
[ Screaming ] [ Moans ] - Are you okay? - Some second-degree burns.
But some first-class burgers.
[ Groans ] I want you to get rid of these springs.
But you haven't seen the baby of tomorrow.
Ta-da! - Now if I drop her, no more tears.
- [ Gasps ] [ Humming Basketball Theme ] - Give me my baby! - ''D'' it up, Marge.
I'm goin' to the hole.
[ Marge ] I want these springs out of our house today.
! [ Toilet Flushing ] [ Singing Drinking Song ] You're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you? - Of course not.
- [ Toilet Flushes ] ##[ Singing ] [ Groaning ] Mm-mm-mm.
##[ Big Band ] [ Continues ] Oh, Abe, you dance divinely.
I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.
Aw, geez.
This place used to be crawlin' with Russian subs.
Now there's just four.
- [ Gasps ] Sea hag.
! - Bart Simpson! Bart, are you crazy? You've got to get the old folks home to the old folks' home.
No way.
They're finally having some fun.
- ##[ Calypso ] - How low can I go? - [ Bone Snaps ] - [ Yelps ] That's it.
- Gee, Bart, maybe you're right.
- [ Watch Alarm Beeps ] They don't even seem to care that it's medication time.
- Medication time? Hot dog! - [ All Murmuring ] - Gimme, gimme, gimme! - [ Chattering ] But I've set you free.
No more nap time.
No more bingo.
You can do whatever you want.
- Let's play bingo.
- Yeah! Let's play bingo.
- You sunk my battleship.
- [ All Laughing ] [ Sighs ] Now, Smithers,you say you painted all your navy buddies this way? Until I was discharged, sir.
I don't get it, Grampa.
If you guys like all that boring stuff why did you follow me out here? Gotta do somethin' till bingo.
[ All Gasp ] [ All Screaming ] How could you miss that huge boat coming right at us? - Oh.
Two glass eyes.
- [ Clink, Clink ] Oh, it's not fair.
I'm not supposed to die now.
I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of 1 5.
Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher.
- [ Together] Jack La Lanne! - Don't worry.
I'll save you theJack La Lanne way! [ Grunts ] [ All Cheering ] - [ Yelping ] - [ All Screaming ] Uh-oh.
- This is all Bart's fault.
- Let's get him.
- I blame him.
- He's killed us all.
I want some taquitos.
Leave him alone! Sure, Bart's responsible for our deaths.
But he gave us the most fun we had in 20 years.
So before we go to our watery graves I say that we- [ Gurgling ] [ All Screaming ] [ All Sigh ] [ All Screaming ] [ All Sigh ] [ All Scream, Sigh ] What the heck's going on? ##[ Homer Singing, Echoing ] Ah.
What a shame.
Not a looker in the bunch.
So, you workin' tomorrow at the home, Bart? Well, I finished my community service.
Oh.
Right.
But I could swing by after school.
- I'll bring the limbo stick.
- Hot diggety! [ Humming Calypso ] [ Vocalizing ] Hey.
Stop shakin' the harness.
How low can I go! How low can I go! [ Water Splashes ] ##['60s Pop ] [ Loud Shout ] ##[ Ends ]
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  Monty Can't Buy Me Love
The Simpsons s10e21 Episode Script
Monty Can't Buy Me Love
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] ##[ Big Band ] ##[ Carnival ] [ Elephants Trumpeting ] ##[ Ends ] [ Man ] And welcome back now to Cash In Your Legacy.
This week we're appraising antiques in Springfield.
This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the turn of the century and remarkably, seems to have never been washed.
Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that, but- [ Chuckles ] it's been such a century.
At auction, I'd expect this to bring $20,000 to $30,000 except that on the handle somebody's carved ''Homer rocks.
'' And I do.
Whoo! - Appraised value: $1 5.
- [ Groans ] I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him! - [ Gasps ] - Hey.
Ah, geez.
I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this.
When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk? Oh, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
Oh, come on.
Let's go for a walk.
This family's getting so lazy.
I'm not lazy.
I'm just, um, uh- Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Why don't you finish your own darn- [ Snoring ] Fine.
If we're not going for a walk, we'll just talk about our day.
I wrote another poem about a duck.
Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt.
All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how much longer I can complain.
Get a horse! - Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse? - We're walking, Homer.
[ Whimpering ] There's some dogs.
We could all ride dogs.
- Forget it.
Nobody's riding any- - Hi-yo, Silver, away.
! - [ Whining ] - [ Grunts ] Oh, look! There's the store where I buy my yarn.
But you don't wanna buy your buttons there.
Whew.
Well, I dodged a bullet.
Now there's the place you wanna buy your buttons.
And that's where the bookmobile lady used to live.
If you love me, you'll kill me.
- ##[ Marching Band ] - Hey, Mom, look! Ooh.
Looks like something exciting's happening.
Well, we'll have to read about it in tomorrow's paper.
Why can't we see it now? Well, it's not really on our walking route.
- [ Groans ] - ## [ Continues ] - Where'd you get that champagne? - Clown.
- Thanks, Noodles.
- All this commotion just for a store? Hey, it's not just a store- It's a megastore.
''Mega'' means good, and ''store'' means thing.
[ Gasps ] Wow.
What a high-tech wonderland.
Oop, got an itch.
[ All ] Ew.
Whoa! This place has everything even a Shoplifting Department.
- What convenience.
- I'm doin' all my thievin' here.
This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart.
Oh.
[ Whimpering ] Oh, I'm sorry, but, oh, it really is.
Yes, I know, but still- [ Whimpering ] - ## [ Banjo ] - Hey, Dad.
Give me 50 bucks.
I gotta buy some things.
Better make it a hundred.
Yeah, me too.
Homer, don't you think you're spoiling- [ Muttering ] - ## [ Singing ] - [ Scoffs ] New music? Man, all these bands are just rippin' offJudas Priest.
[ Continues ] Ooh, I hear this really sucks.
Hmm, director's commentary.
I'm sorry.
I am really sorry.
Ugh! Ugh! I don't know what I was thinking but, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again.
Oh, poor Mr.
Costner.
He tries so hard.
[ Costner ] Ah, thanks.
You're sweet to say that.
Uh, where are you? I'm back here.
Hi.
Will you bring me a sandwich? Please? No-No crusts.
- [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ Laughing ] [ Screaming ] [ Sobbing, Groaning ] Cool.
[ Tires Screeching ] - [ Honking ] - Step lively, Smithers.
That orphanage won't demolish itself.
Sir, although I do enjoy your loud, excessive honking it doesn't seem to be moving the crowd.
Deploy the cowcatcher.
- [ Groaning ] - Hey! What the- Ooh! [ Sighs ] Once again, my underwear has become tangled in a cowcatcher.
Ooh! Oh, tarnation.
I've got to see what the excitement's about.
Make way! Doctor coming through! - [ Buzzing ] - [ Groaning ] - Excuse me.
- [ Screams ] - So sorry.
- [ Screams ] - Pardon me, good sir.
- Well, hi-diddly- [ Screams ] - That's a good lad.
- [ Grunting ] Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next, a talking banana? - Hmm.
- Uh, I don't see one, sir.
No, of course not.
The very notion of a talking banana is absurd.
Still- - ##[ Fanfare ] - Oh.
! Attention, good shoppers of Springfield! Someone very special has just entered the store.
The world's most popular billionaire- Oh, please.
All this fuss for little old me.
Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, Arthur Fortune.
- What? - ##[ Man Singing ] Hello, Springfield! [ Together] Hello, Arthur! You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life.
- I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board.
- Wow.
- Climbed Niagara Falls.
- Ooh! Oh! And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali.
[ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Grunts ] - Oh, how awful.
But this is the biggest thrill ever- the opening of my 1 1 2th store! [ All ] Yea! Now I'm afraid I've got some bad news from my accountant today.
It seems I have too much money.
- Who wants a dollar? - [ Clamoring ] - I do! - Ha.
All right.
What's your name, young man? I don't know.
Just give me the dollar.
Well, I hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune! - Now who wants the second dollar? - I do! - Well, all right.
Here.
Now- - I do! Oh, the heck with it.
- Dollars for everyone! - [ Cheering ] [ Chanting ] Fortune! Fortune! That man's totally insane.
[ Chuckles ] This goes right in the old poor box.
- Not so fast, old chum.
- [ Screams ] [ Singing ] Whoo! - ## [ Ends ] - [ Mr.
Burns ] Oh, that flamboyant fop.
He's got them eating out of his hand.
- Well, you have to admit, he is charismatic, sir.
- Oh, ''bollish.
'' Anyone can lead a conga line.
Hop to it, Smithers! [ Singing ] [ Ends ] Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune.
Oh! The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire.
Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man? This new breed of fun-loving billionaire is a welcome change from the classic joyless miser brooding in his cavernous mansion- Bah! [ Echoing ] Bah! Bah! Bah! Grasping a glass ofbrandy with his thin, clawlike fingers and a superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face.
[ Sighs ] I thought I had everything- money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth.
[ Sighs ] But what's it all worth when nobody likes you? - I like you, sir.
- Are you still here? Easy.
Easy.
[ Grunting ] Hey! Whoo-hoo! Look at me! I can juggle! - Uh, Simpson.
- Aaah! I need your help.
I want to be loved.
I see.
Well, I'll need some beer.
I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune.
Oh, Arthur Fortune.
[ Sighs ] Yes! That's the look I'm looking for.
What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? - Well, you don't have to call me slovenly.
- Yes, exactly! That's the kind of pointer I need.
- Tell me more, fatty.
- Hmm.
Oh! This is a great idea, Simpson! Free silver dollars, compliments of C.
Montgomery Burns! [ Screaming ] Ow! Ow! Take it out! Take it out! No! Ooh! Put it back! Put it back! That was a close one.
Wanna go bowling? Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain.
Maybe you should mind your own business.
Afternoon, miss.
Oh! - [ Bird Cawing ] - I can't believe it.
I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires.
I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake.
Well, how about donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that.
A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything.
Mmm.
Ah.
Take this check for $200,000 to the Springfield Hospital.
Can do.
[ Muttering ] Now there's nothing to do but sit back and wait for the kudos to roll in.
[ Crickets Chirping ] - [ Air Hissing ] - [ Coughing ] Where are my kudos? Hmm.
No.
We don't have any record of you giving the hospital any money, Mr.
Burns.
Oh, but we did get a very generous donation from a Mr.
Homer Simpson.
What? [ Grunting ] It's not fair.
It's not fair! You- [ Muttering ] Morphine, please.
Wait a minute.
Because I brought the check, they named a wing after me? [ Laughing ] Oh, you must be mad.
Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then- [ Humming ] Gee, I feel bad.
If people knew the real Monty Burns and not the silver-dollar-throwing, morphine addict you've become they might like you.
Yeah, if you wanna change your image, you gotta get your face out there.
Ew.
On the radio.
That's it! The radio.
I'll go on the most popular program of the day.
I assume that's still Don McNeill and his Breakfast Club.
Oh, get with the times, man.
It's Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch.
Oh, I don't think Mr.
Burns would like that show.
What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough- [ Quoting Lyric ] Thank you, Knickknack and Paddywhack, the Siamese midgets.
We'll be sure to catch your new series on Fox.
Good luck, Mr.
Burns.
And if you get in trouble I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people.
- Hmm.
- How you doin', Mr.
Burns? Jerry Rude.
Welcome to the show.
[ Chuckles ] I am pleased to- All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators.
You see, white people have names like Lenny whereas black people have names like Carl.
[ Laughing ] Zoom! Now, Mr.
Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport.
If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews- [ Chuckles ] you have at it.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose.
When are we going on the air? - We're on the air now, Skeletor.
- What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously.
Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this? All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic.
That was a gay old time.
Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
[ Coughs ] Queer.
[ Coughs ] Queer.
Um, ever murder anybody? Murder? Well, mistakes have been made.
Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy.
Any comment on that? - Well, now, see here.
Stop that.
- [ Farting ] - Attention, wireless listeners.
- [ Farting Continues ] Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me.
- Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? - [ Farting Gets Louder] Aah! [ Groaning ] Don't worry, folks.
He's not dead.
I still hear some faint sounds of life.
[ Farting Continues ] That didn't go well, did it? - Good thing those lesbians knew C.
P.
R.
- Oh, what's the use? I'll never be a popular, beloved billionaire like Arthur Fortune.
Oh, Arthur Fortune.
[ Sighs ] You know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas and got them to mate successfully.
And a stunt like that impresses people? Oh, yeah.
And I'm not easily impressed.
Wow! A blue car! If a couple of Chinese bamboo-gobblers can win people's hearts I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.
- A sober Irishman? - Even rarer.
[ Homer ] Whew.
! That was one long helicopter ride.
##[ Bagpipes ] Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he's eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves.
[ Scoffs ] Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.
[ Clears Throat ] Hey.
Hey.
Let's see now.
We have the Monsterometer Flipper-finder, Hoax-a-Scope, which is important for the looking and finding- Ugh.
The whole town's turned out.
I've never seen them so excited.
Hey, Willie.
That old couple looks just like you.
Aye.
'Tis my ma and pa.
They own a tavern hearabouts.
They still have the same pool table on which I was conceived, born and educated.
- So you're back, Son.
- Aye.
- I suppose you'll be leavin' soon.
- Aye.
[ Grunting ] Good.
[ Muttering ] One more.
Where's my monster, tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for? - Uh, to work in your power plant? - You're not payin'me anything.
! You kidnapped me.
I remember it distinctly with the grabbing and duct taping and the tennis ball in the mouth.
- It hurt me.
- The beast looks something like this.
- [Jingles ] - Only without the saucy T-shirt.
Check! Okay.
[ Whistling ] He's been down in that icy water for hours.
How can the lad survive such brutal punishment? - [ Bell Dinging ] - [ Barking ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Buzzing ] [ Mutters ] You monster! [ Pinging ] Oh, my great, good God.
Gentlemen, your attention, please.
I am detecting a gigantic amphibious life-form.
It's 80 meters long, and it's heading this way.
Oh, good glavin! It's on my shoe! - It's a- a small frog.
- [ Croaking ] Just get off.
Just get off there.
Just get out.
Get out! Stupid machine.
Oh, wait a minute.
This isn't the Monsterometer.
It's the Frog Exaggerator! Oy.
We're the laughingstock of the town.
Don't worry, Mr.
Burns.
We're gonna find that monster no matter how long it takes.
Besides, I'm getting kind of used to wearing a kilt.
[ Giggles ] Can you believe I'm a size four? Whoo! - Ach.
- Aye.
Oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal that has 2 4 miles of water to hide in.
- Drain the lake.
- What? You heard me.
Deploy the Delochinator.
[ Groans ] Ooh! [ Muttering ] Oh, pumping is hard.
[ Muttering ] - We've lost our homes and everything we hold dear.
- Aye.
I see it! I see the monster! Nae! There's merely Loch Ness High School's discarded homecoming float.
No way! Aberdeen rules! [ Roaring ] [ Screaming ] [Jingling ] - God, it's him! - Come on, boys.
Overpower it.
- ## [ Whistling ] - Fine.
I'll do it myself.
[ Grunting ] That was amazing, Mr.
Burns! I was a little worried when he swallowed me but, well, you know the rest.
Ah.
And now for my triumphant return to Springfield.
Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat.
And it's all thanks to one man- Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts.
And by the way, girls, he's single.
Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.
And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world- the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice- I give you the Loch Ness Monster! - ##[ Fanfare ] - [ Cheering ] - [ Chanting ] Monty! Monty! - Thank you.
You're too kind.
Yes, that's it.
Let it all out.
Clutch me to your common bosom.
Hey, look.
He's getting up.
No, no.
Stop it.
Stop it.
- You'll enrage the beast.
! - [ Cooing ] No pictures.
You're driving him mad! [ Shuddering ] Aah.
! Stop it.
! You're blinding me.
! Oh.
Oh! I can't see.
- Aah! - [ Screams ] Run! - Mr.
Burns will kill us all! - [ Screaming ] Wait.
Don't go.
Love me! Well, if you wanted people to love you you sure blew it with that insane rampage.
- [ Sighs ] - But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people every day.
But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.
You know, perhaps you're right.
I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am.
I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo.
[ Cooing ] So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster? No, no, no.
I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.
- D'oh! - Tough luck, Simpson.
- Come on, Nessie.
One more pull.
- [ Roars ] Okay, okay.
Want a shrimp cocktail? - Nah.
- Yeah, they're not great.
##[ Bagpipes ] ##[ Ends ] - Shh! - [ Lisa ] Ooh, I hear this really sucks.

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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  They Saved Lisa's Brain
The Simpsons s10e22 Episode Script
They Saved Lisa's Brain
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Gasp ] You promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday.
Shut up-a your mouth! [ Announcer] Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644 has been canceled.
While we scramble to find new programming please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral.
[ Groans ] I was really starting to enjoy Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644.
! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds.
Shut up-a your mouth! [ Announcer ] Attention, Springfield.
! How low will you go- [ Gasps ] to win a trip to Hawaii? This Saturday, ourjudges will select the lowest, most disgusting nitwit in town and send him straight to Maui.
Sponsored by Grandma Plopwell's the low fat pudding that's approved for sale -by the government.
- ##[ Patriotic ] All right! A gross-out contest! Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again! - Care for a free sample? - Thank you.
Mmm.
For low fat, this pudding's pretty good.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I can feel the pounds just melting off.
Our new hyper sugar gives you 300% of your minimum daily sweetness requirement.
- [ Panting ] - Hmm.
Do you suffer from diabetes? [ Shivering ] No.
Well, you do now.
We are here live in the K.
B.
B.
L.
parking lot to see how low will you go.
Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut.
- I thought it was Hawaii.
- No one said Hawaii.
Now let's get stupid with our first contestant - the human garbage disposal! - [ Applause ] Ladles and jelly spoons, I will now take going low to new heights.
I will swallow anything- and I mean anything- you people throw.
- Here, take this! - [ All Shouting ] [ Coughs ] Please, no more spark plugs.
Lisa, would you like a penny to throw at your brother? Unbelievable.
We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons.
Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life.
Cut him some slack.
- [ Belches ] - [ All Cheering ] No, wait.
That wasn't a trick.
I was gonna juggle chickens.
- [ Moans ] - [ Clucking ] [ Deejay #2 ] Next up, Homer and his amazing Redenbacher Dreamcoat with a number he calls ''Kernel Knowledge.
'' [ Singing ] [ Popcorn Popping ] Four? [ Screaming ] Oh, no! [ Screams ] Oh, this is so embarrassing! - Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? - You.
Hmm.
Well, no one's forcing you to stay.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- Hup.
You're not going anywhere, missy.
[ Crowd Booing ] But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.
Moe with a lolly.
[ Chuckles ] It's so out of character.
Ain't that worth nothin'? - [ Booing ] - [ Woman ] Come on.
Next.
All right,judges, who is our winner? The winner is me for being seen with you freaks.
Judges can't win the contest! Boo! You have robbed us of our dignity.
Well, you- [ Gasps ] A urinal cake! You, sir, have crossed the line.
Oy! [ Crowd Shouting ] People, stop, stop.
! We're not animals.
! [ Ape Calls ] Take that! [ All Cheering ] [ Groans, Gasps ] [ Moans, Gasps ] An open letter to the people of Springfield.
Today, our town lost what remained of its fragile civility drowned in a sea of low fat pudding.
- Look, I got runner-up prize.
- You won second place? No, but I got it.
Stealing is wrong.
''Free boudoir photography.
'' Sweet! Hmm.
[ Mutters, Gasps ] Oh, right.
We are a town of lowbrows, no brows and ignorami.
We have eight malls, but no symphony.
Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater.
Thirteen stores that begin with ''Le Sex.
'' I write this letter not to nag or whine, but to prod.
We can better ourselves.
- [ Pig Squealing ] - Yeehaw! Well, most of us.
Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper? Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale.
Dad, stop kidding around.
Look.
They printed my letter.
Hey, that is wonderful, sweetie.
I'm gonna read it just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here.
Well, I'm sure someone had the time to read it.
I envy them.
Hi, Mr.
Flanders.
I see you're reading the newspaper.
[ Chuckles ] Everything but the opinion page.
I don't need to be told what to think by anyone living.
Chief Wiggum.
Oh, you sure got a lot of copies of the paper.
Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog.
Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals.
Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard.
[ Groans ] Doesn't anybody in this town read? Oh, hello, Lisa.
Can you recommend any books for my mobile? Oh, absolutely.
Well, you know, anything byJane Austen.
Jane Austen.
Thanks, Lisa.
I'll get right on it.
[ Gasps ] ''We read your letter with great interest.
''If you wish to learn more, go to 1 3 Euclid street.
Tell no one.
And bring a dessert.
'' - Oooh.
- [ Bart ] Hey, Lise.
- [ Squealing ] - Whoa! Whoa! - [ Bell Chiming ] - [ Male Voice, Deep ] Lisa Simpson are you ready to go on a voyage of intellectual self-discovery? I think so.
Is that a pie or a quiche? - A pie.
- [ Voices Chattering ] You may enter.
- [ Gasps ] - Welcome to Mensa, Lisa! It's the organization for people with high I.
Q.
's.
I know that.
It's also a constellation visible only from the southern hemisphere.
She's good.
She's very good.
[ Laughs ] And she brought a cream pie.
You want me to join Mensa? Oh, that's wonderful.
But don't I have to take some sort of I.
Q.
test? No, Lisa, you're more than qualified.
I shared all your standardized test scores with the other members.
- Aren't those supposed to be confidential? - Welcome to Mensa! You've joined such luminaries as cartoonist, Mel Lazarus Geena Davis and Parade magazine's Marilyn vos Savant.
Each the tops in his or her field uh, except for Mel Lazarus.
Wow.
I'm so honored you wanted me.
Well, it was your delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top.
- Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures.
- Oh, what do you produce? Synergy, and books on how to cheat at bridge.
Lisa, I think you'll really enjoy it here.
Now, let's get down to business.
Any new palindromes? [ Clears Throat ] Rise to vote, sir.
Now, you know the agenda.
Palindromes, anagrams, eat Lisa's pie, then voting.
But ''rise to vote, sir'' is a palindrome.
- Good glavin.
She's right.
- Told you.
Lisa, I think you're gonna fit in just fine around here.
Wow.
Me, fit in.
Hello.
I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session.
- Oh, yes.
Your name? - Uh, Geraldo Simpson.
- All right, Mr.
Simpson- - [ Screams ] Who told you? Don't worry.
These photos are perfectly legal.
Many husbands use them as a romantic gift for their wives.
Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, are you? Well, yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
Well, I don't, but the block association seems to.
They wanted a ''traditional'' Santa Claus.
##[ Classical ] I can't believe how they're dumbing down the Springfield Library.
They've gotten rid of the English literature section and replaced it with a make-your-own-sundae bar.
I heard they got rid of the reference desk to make room for an air hockey table.
- Even the microfilm? - Even the microfiche.
- [ All Moan ] - My family never talks about library standards.
And every time I try to steer the conversation that way they make me feel like a nerd.
We are hardly nerds.
Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt? [ Lisa Reading ] Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.
Oh, Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people.
Oh, that's great, honey.
You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over.
- For the first time in my life, I feel that someone understand- - Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Are you ready in there, Mr.
Simpson? Are you sure you're a fully accredited and bonded pornographer? Just come out.
- Please be kind.
- You look fantastic.
Let me just adjust my lens here.
Now you're sure this will save my marriage? Try not to speak.
It's making your body ripple.
Hmm.
[ Grunts, Groans ] - [ Shudders ] - ##[ Humming ] - [ Bart ] Dad? Dad, are you home? - [ Knocking ] [ Gasps, Grunts ] [ Grunts, Groans ] Fine.
! I don't care what you're doing.
! [ Sighs, Screams ] Don't look.
! Don't look.
! Don't look.
! Okay, I think he's gone.
Let's reschedule.
This is so cool.
I feel like I'm back in the Renaissance.
Please stay in character, gentle wench.
Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun and not t'other way around.
Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus.
Forsooth.
Mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.
Zounds! Someone took our gazebo! No, no, that's impossible.
We reserved it months ago.
Someone should stand up to them.
- Oh, dear.
- Hmm.
I'll do it.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Might I take a peak at your gazebo reservation form? - Beat it! - [ Chuckles ] Yes, well, we each have a good case.
What part of''beat it'' didn't you understand? Hmm, I guess it would be the ''it.
'' I'm not exactly sure to what that refers.
It's- Ow! Oh, it's hopeless.
There are some she-males in gazebo three a nasty looking spider in gazebo six and the less said about gazebo eight, the better.
Ah, Chief, thank God you're here.
We reserved gazebo seven, and look.
Geez.
How many gazebos do you she-males need? Beer me, boys.
Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power and the stupidest run everything? - Maybe I should just move back to Alabama.
- No.
We should fix things here.
If we put our minds to it, there's no limit to what we can accomplish.
- I think the girl's right.
- Good point.
- The jig is up, Quimby.
- Oh, God! When you see what's in this report, things are going to change in this town.
- I earned that lotto money.
I swear.
- [ Buzzing ] - Hyah! - [ Horse Neighs ] Faster, you moron.
[ Neighs ] Oh.
Well, that was unexpected.
- [ Guns Cocking ] - What's going on? Where's the mayor? - He skipped town.
- Really? So, who's in charge? Well, that's a good question.
Let's, uh, take a quick look at the town charter.
- [ All ] Done.
- Finished.
According to the charter, ''should the mayor abdicate a council of learned citizens may rule in his stead.
'' Well, there's no one more learned than us.
So, I guess we're in charge.
What! Let me see that.
Let's see here.
''We the people,'' ''cruel and unusual,'' blah, blah, blah.
''Ritual circumcision,'' yak, yak, yak.
Ah, geez, I'll take your word for it.
- I guess you are in charge.
- [ Cheering ] With our superior intellects we could rebuild this city on a foundation of reason and enlightenment.
We could turn Springfield into a utopia.
- A new Athens.
- Or Walden Two.
Yeah, a real Candy Land! Of the mind.
The mind.
I'll just go now.
Bunch of dorks.
This is Kent Brockman at City Hall where the intellectual junta known as the ''Bright Pack'' has been running this town for the better part of three days.
[ Chattering ] So, Lisa, what do you and your fellow eggheads have planned for the city? - Business as usual? - No, Kent.
We're gonna use the power of good ideas to change things for the better.
Well, excuse this jaded reporter if he says he's heard that before.
- Oh, well, we really mean it.
- [ Gasps ] You do? Yes.
For example, no one was showing up for jury duty.
So we made the experience more exciting by synergizing it with his comic book collection.
''You have been chosen to join theJustice Squadron Fortress of Vengeance.
'' Oh, I am so there.
We studied traffic patterns and found that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights.
So now, we just have the red and yellow lights.
[ Chuckles ] Come on.
Stay yellow.
Stay yellow! Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be.
And we've really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track.
We replaced the fanfare with classical music.
And instead of chasing a rabbit, the dogs chase a diploma.
[ Barking ] The world has already taken note of our accomplishments.
Springfield has moved up to number 299 on the list of America's Take that, East St.
Louis.
Gee.
You said you were gonna make me look sexier, but it's awfully dark in here.
Light is not your friend.
All right, let's do this thing.
- ##[ Dance Rock ] - It's time to get Homer-erotic! - [ Shudders ] - [ Camera Shutter Clicking ] Okay, next item ofbusiness is our weekly progress report.
Principal Skinner, how's your transportation project coming? Oh, excellent.
Not only are the trains now running on time they're running on metric time.
Remember this moment, people- It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.
Excellent.
Now, next week is our state of the city address.
Has everyone finalized their proposals? Well, first of all, I have a plan to eliminate obesity in females.
Oh, please.
For a nickel a person tax increase we could build a theater for shadow puppets.
- Balinese or Thai? - Why not both? Then everybody's happy.
Oh, yeah.
Everyone's real happy then! Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts.
[ Chuckles ] - Oh, a sarcasm detector.
That's a real useful invention.
- [ Beeping Rapidly ] [ All Arguing ] [ Homer ] Marge.
Oh, Marge.
I've got something for you.
- Oh, Homie.
- Houston, we have a problem.
A sexy problem.
Homie.
Well, look at you.
[ Growling ] I'm gonna maul you.
Homer, I've never seen this side of you.
But I like it.
Whoo, whoa.
Look at those silk pillows.
It's like the set of some high-class porno film.
No, no.
It's just our basement.
[ Groans ] Hold on! Wait.
That's our basement? Yeah.
So? Come on.
More kissing.
It looks so elegant.
And all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade.
You've got to show me exactly what you did.
- But I was gonna score.
- No, you weren't.
Welcome, everyone! Today, we embark on a new era of intelligent governance.
[ Chanting ] Governance! Governance! - Governance.
! - [ Microphone Feeds Back ] [ Clears Throat ] We have some new rules and regulations that you're gonna just go ape poopy over.
- Professor Frink.
- [ Clears Throat ] Well, first of all we're going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting.
[ Cheering ] Also, boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves.
- [ Woman ] Good! - And hockey, football, push-ups and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing.
- [ All Murmuring Disagreement ] - I don't remember discussing that.
Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans breeding will be permitted once every seven years.
- [ All Gasp ] - For many of you, this will mean much less breeding.
For me, much, much more.
Ya cannot do that, sir! Ya don't have the power! Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize.
This man does not speak for the Council of Alphas.
We hold you subomeguloids in the highest regard.
When are we gonna get to my broccoli juice program? Quit butting in, please.
Your I.
Q.
is a mere 1 5 5 while mine is a muscular 1 7 0.
[ Singsongy ] I am smart.
Much smarter than you, Hibbert! You should all do what I say.
My I.
Q.
is 1 99, for crying out glavin.
[ Groans ] [ Computerized Voice ] Big deal.
My I.
Q.
is 280.
[ All Gasp ] [ Together] Stephen Hawking! - The world's smartest man! - What are you doing here? [ Computerized Voice ] I wanted to see your utopia.
But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.
- I'm sure what Dr.
Hawking means is- - Silence.
I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box.
You have clearly been corrupted by power.
For shame! Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink! [ All Shouting Agreement ] I don't know which is a bigger disappointment- my failure to formulate a unified field theory, or you.
I don't like your tone.
If you are looking for trouble, you found it.
Yeah,just try me, you- [ Screams ] - [ All Cheering ] - Now's our opening! Come on, you idiots! We're taking back this town! Yeah! Let's make litter out of these literati! That's too clever.
You're one of them! [ All Shouting ] Please stay calm everyone.
[ Screams ] Time for this Hawk to fly.
Wrong button.
[ Lisa ] Help! Lisa, thank God you're okay.
- Did you have fun with your robot buddy? - Dad! Oh, Dr.
Hawking, we had such a beautiful dream.
What went wrong? Don't feel bad, Lisa.
Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish.
- Even you? - No, not me.
Never.
I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world.
Wow, Mom, that's very profound.
Hey, you read that off my screen.
- Who's up for some beers? - I am! That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.
Your theory of a doughnut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer.
I may have to steal it.
Wow.
I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.
All right, it's closing time.
Who's paying the tab? - [ Homer, Monotone ] I am.
- I didn't say that.
Yes, I did.
D'oh.
- Shh! - [ Homer ] Larry Flynt is right.
! You guys stink.
!
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TV Show Episode Scripts  >  The Simpsons  >  Season 10  >  30 Minutes Over Tokyo
The Simpsons s10e23 Episode Script
30 Minutes Over Tokyo
##[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Shout ] Hey, why didn't you tell me the new issue of Weird was here? [ Chuckles ] I love their hilarious send-ups of hit movies.
- Dad, it's not- - ''Gigabytes.
'' [ Laughing ] They've done it again.
''Gigabytes.
'' Wait-This isn't Weird.
Why, there's no magazine called Weird, is there? This is Wired.
It's about computers and technology.
Hey, look.
There's a cybercafe opening right here in Springfield.
Will you take me, Dad? Please? I'll show you how to order pizza over the Internet.
The Internet? Is that thing still around? I know a Web site that shows monkeys doin' it.
Bart, the Internet is more than a global pornography network.
- It's a- - [ Horn Honks ] - Come on, Lisa.
Monkeys.
- [ Groans ] Ach.
Let's see what's been captured on the up-kilt camera.
[ Beeps, Whirs ] Ew.
This lass needs a bit of grounds keeping.
Eh? Aah! That's Willie! My name is Mary.
I'm 45, heavy and willing to settle for less.
Wow.
This Mary's got the whole package.
Wow, Dad.
You're surfin' like a pro.
Oh, yeah.
I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands.
I invested in something called News Corp- - Dad! That's Fox! - [ Screams ] Undo! Undo! [ Groans ] Dad, do we have any money left? Well, let's check the old bank account.
- [ Beeps ] - See? Even after my cyber squandering we've still got $1 ,200.
- All right, dorks, this is a holdup.
- [ Gasping, Murmuring ] Oh, yes! Download to papa.
- [ Beeping ] - Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.
- [ Groans ] - [ Marge ] We were robbed? You seem to know an awful lot about this for an innocent person.
We were saving that money for our family vacation.
Now we're gonna have to start all over again.
- [ Groans ] - Aw, don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll get us the money- even if I have to get a second job.
Evenin', neighbor.
Low on funds again? - Yes, sir.
- Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you got a bill to pay.
I know, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.
Oh, we're-We're not as well off as you think.
We give to eight different churches just to hedge our bets and the Leftorium's business has gone way down hill since Leftopolis moved in next door.
If you're not rich, then how come you have a new refrigerator an electric can opener, a milk shake machine? [ Chuckling ] We picked those up cheap.
- They were evidence at a murder trial.
- Sweet.
We got that tip at the Chuck Garabedian Mega-Savings Seminar.
- Go on.
- He taught us how to live a Burt Reynolds lifestyle on a Mac Davis income.
We've already got tickets for his next seminar.
I think you'll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing.
Maybe you're right, Ned.
Maybe you're right.
Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life- Family vacations,jet packs, Solid Gold Dancers? There's only three left in the world.
Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you the 1 2 savings secrets Wall Street won't tell you.
Then I'll show you the three ways to get back to the highway- including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know.
- [ Cheering ] - Oh, here we go with the fat-cat bashing.
Well, what do you expect? These yokels are pure Baltic Avenue.
[ Chuckles ] Uh-oh! I'm late for the Short Line Railroad.
[ Tires Squeal ] Let's start with mega secret number one: ''Ya gotta squeeze every penny.
'' You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it.
- [ Murmuring ] - That fancy yacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee.
- [ Murmuring ] - And those beautiful women? - They used to be men.
- [ Groaning ] The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny.
Come on, let me hear you.
[ Together] Squeeze every penny.
Squeeze every penny.
I'm squeezing.
I'm squeezing it.
- [ Slurping Sound ] - Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand.
Oh, Homer, not again.
Ew.
We're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99-cent store? Well, maybe for your wedding.
- [ Bart ] How about here? - Not if we want that vacation.
Look, Mom.
They have your dress.
[ Groans ] Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that.
Blue? Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents.
According to the Mexican Council of Food this expired two years ago.
Sure, by their standards, but we live in America.
[ Chomping, Groaning ] This also says it can cause red tide poisoning.
But it's so cheap.
Well, let's see what's in the old vacation fund.
Homer, you could have just unscrewed the bottom.
A little late for ''could-haves,'' Marge.
I don't think there's enough here for a vacation.
There is for a Mega-Savings vacation.
Chuck Garabedian says you can fly mega cheap if you don't care where you go.
That's right.
Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows.
Then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price.
Are you going through our garbage? That's right.
You fat cats didn't finish your plankton.
Now it's mine.
Hawaii, here we come.
No.
No.
We're going to Paris.
I can feel it.
Come on, Transylvania.
[ With Jamaican Accent ] No, mon, let's go home toJamaica.
I and I been in Babylon too long.
[ Woman On P.
A.
] Attention.
Flight 605 to Tokyo is ready for departure and has four available mega-saver seats.
- [ Both ] Yeah! - Come on, Homer.
Japan.
No, notJapan,Jamaica.
I wanna pass the dutchie on the left-hand side.
Never mind.
Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway.
Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh? - [ Groans ] - Come on! - Whoo! - [ Horn Honking ] - Sayonara, suckers.
- [ Snarls ] Yea! The Simpsons are going toJapan.
[ Gong Sounds ] Hey, watch the gong,jerk.
Come on, Homer.
Japan will be fun.
- You liked Rashomon.
- That's not how I remember it.
Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people - we could have gone to the zoo.
- Homer! What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese.
His name is Takashi.
He's in my book club.
Look, Mom.
The safety instructions are written in haiku.
''Fasten seat belts tight.
''Your seat cushions float gently.
Headsets, five dollars.
'' [ Beeping ] Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet.
- You're the waitress.
- [ Beeps ] [ Attendant ] Turn it back on.
! Turn it back on.
! Ooh.
I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.
Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom.
Gonna be on towards the end of the flight.
Toga! Toga! Toga 2,000! Marge, they stole my idea.
The local time is tomorrow.
[ Homer] Here's our room.
Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open.
I don't have time for that.
[ Grunts ] [ Man's Voice ] Welcome.
I am honored to accept your waste.
- [ Beeps ] - ## [ Bells ] [ Gasps ] They're years ahead of us.
Mom! Lise! Check it out.
Dad's on TV.
- Oh, yeah! - [ Marge, Bart, Lisa Screaming ] [ Gasps ] It's breathtaking.
Look.
There's the Imperial Gardens.
The Meiji Shrine.
The Hello Kitty factory.
[ Cats Yowling ] [ Yowling Stops ] Who's up for some exploring? - Hey, I'm still checking outJapanese TV.
- ## [ Synthesizers ] Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? [ Beeping ] [ Grunting, Groaning ] Bart, what are you doing? [ Grunting, Groaning ] Hey, what the- [ Grunting, Groaning ] Hmm.
All right.
[ Grunting, Groaning ] - Robots be right back.
- Whoo! - All that seizing made me hungry.
- Me too.
Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house.
The toilet recommended a place called Americatown.
Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown.
I'd like to see theJapanese take on the club sandwich.
I bet it's smaller and more efficient.
[ Man ] We now return to Battling Seizure Robots.
- [ Beeping ] - [ All Moaning ] [ Mechanical Clicking ] I can't believe they stuck us at ''Tax-a-chusetts.
'' - Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
- And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.
Howdy, gangstas.
I am average American Joe salary-man waiter.
These prices suck.
Don't you serve anything that's even remotelyJapanese? Don't ask me.
I don't know anything.
I am product of American education system.
I also build poor-quality cars and inferior-style electronics.
[ Laughs ] Oh, they got our number.
One square watermelon, please.
Oh, my goodness.
Homer, those are $1 50.
It's worth every cent.
I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit.
D'oh! Well, maybe we should just head back to the hotel.
But you promised me we'd do something Japanese.
Oh, of course you're right.
You know, I read about a Shinto teahouse where they practice the traditional- Run, Bart! - Hey.
Isn't that Woody Allen? - Hmm.
Looks like he's doing a commercial.
Oh! [ Clears Throat ] Hello.
[ Clears Throat ] So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal but only Fujikawa rice crackers make your interiors go bananas.
What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right.
Mmm.
Fifty-dollar pretzels.
Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'? - Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring.
- Hmm.
- Spare some salt, tubby? - Tubby? [ Speaking Japanese ] - Yoink.
- Hey, that's mine! [ Yells ] - Hey.
- [ Grunts ] - [ Crowd Groans ] - Like we say in my county, ''Hasta la vista, baby.
'' Congratulations.
I am the emperor.
Yeah? And I'm ''clobber-saurus.
'' [ Gasping, Sighing ] All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus.
[ Booing ] Your wife has paid your bail, Mr.
Simpson-san.
Thank God.
Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.
[ Chomping ] Now can we do something Japanese? Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff.
In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori.
Then we had to do two hours of origami followed by flower arranging and meditation.
[ Speaking Japanese ] Honey, I know you wanna seeJapan but we're down to our last million yen.
Don't worry, ichiban.
I'll show you something Japanese.
Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.
It's a crane.
TheJapanese believe they bring good luck.
Oh, be careful.
We need that money to get home.
- [ Marge Gasps ] No! - [Japanese ] [ Man ] Now, Mr.
Simpson I know you lost all your money, but don't worry.
The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.
[ Grunts, Groans ] But, Mr.
Ambassador, how are we going to get home? Beats me.
Try getting a job and earning some money.
That's what I did.
By the way, ''ambassador'' is taken.
[ Groaning ] Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
And I think I finally found what I was put on this Earth to do.
Knife goes in, guts come out.
Knife goes in, guts come out.
Spare my life and I will grant you three wi- - [ Screams ] - Knife goes in, guts come out.
Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song.
[ Singing ] [ Groans ] Well, this sucks.
What else is on? - [ Bell Ringing ] - [ Cheering ] [ Laughs ] Thank you.
You have fulfilled our dreams, and dreams of our ancestors.
[ Male Announcer ] Tune in tomorrow, when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.
Family Wish Show.
Hmm.
That gives me an idea.
I think we all had that idea.
I didn't.
What is it? Lunch? Thank you, thank you.
And welcome to our contestants from America, the Simpson family.
- You honor us.
- Don't patronize me.
Now, Simpson family, have you picked a wish? Well, I haven't talked it over with the family- [ Chuckles ] but I think we'd all like a free dinner at Americatown.
No, no, no.
We want plane tickets home to Springfield.
[ Cheering, Whistling ] Now, our game shows are a little different from yours.
Your shows reward knowledge.
We punish ignorance.
Ignor-What? [ Screams ] - [ Laughing ] - Okay, let's begin.
Our categories are: ''Ow.
That hurts.
'' ''Why are you doing this to me?'' - And ''Please let me die.
'' - [ Bell Dings ] - ''Ow.
That hurts.
'' - Oh, yeah, number one.
Definitely.
I don't know.
I like ''Why are you doing this?'' - ''Ow.
That hurts.
'' - We'll go with ''Ow.
That hurts,'' Skip.
- My name is Wink.
- [ Groans ] [ Laughing, Chattering ] All right, Simpsons, whack the pinata.
- [ Groaning ] - Come on! Whack that pig open.
Once more.
Harder.
Whack it open.
- [ Laughing ] - Good.
All right.
You may remove your blindfolds.
- [ Groaning ] - Oh, sorry, Dad.
- We didn't know.
- I had an inkling.
- Could someone please whack my hernia back in? - Sure, thing, Dad.
Mr.
Simpson, we'll cut you down as soon as you answer one question aboutJapan.
- Is the answer ''Japan''? - Actually, it is.
[ Speaking Japanese ] That means you move on to the lightning round.
- [ Moans ] - [ Thunder Rumbling ] - [ Screams ] - He seems okay but he is being burned internally.
[ Screaming ] Hey, isn't that Homer on theJapanese Channel? If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh.
Whoo-hoo.
Uh-That boy ain't right.
[ Host ] Congratulations, Simpsons.
The airline tickets are yours.
All you have to do is to pick them up from inside that volcano.
- Why are you so cruel? - [ Laughing ] This vacation really blows.
Well, at least we're past the lighting round.
[ Screams ] Hmm.
I see.
I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round.
[ Screams ] Mmm.
I don't think that bridge can support much weight.
Well, Maggie weighs a lot less than- Oh, I'll just go.
[ Groaning ] [ Together] Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet.
! Plummet.
! Plummet.
! Plummet.
! Plummet.
! Plummet.
! Yes! Got 'em.
- [ Together] U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
- - [ Buzzes ] [ Screams ] [ Gasps ] Lisa! - [ Screams ] - [ Grunts ] - Oh.
! - Marge! Your shoe! The plane tickets! [ Grunting ] Whoa! Whoa! Oh, I'm afraid this might be the end.
Well, at least we'll die doing what we love- inhaling molten rock.
[ All Screaming ] [ Cheering ] [ Screams ] It burns! It burns! Don't worry, that ''lava'' is just orangeade made by our sponsor, Osaka Orangeade Concern.
- It burns! It burns! - It's loaded with wasabi.
Kudos, Simpsons.
You have won your freedom.
[ Audience Cheering ] Before I go, I want to say something.
Game shows aren't about cruelty.
They're about greed and wonderful prizes like poorly built catamarans.
But somewhere along the line, you lost your way.
- For shame.
- [ Groaning ] Coming up next, a Canadian couple who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions.
- Oh, that stings, eh.
- [ Screams ] - Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh! - [ Screaming ] Sting those Canucks.
[ Laughs ] I love this show.
Take that, you stupid hosers.
[ Groans ] Good-bye,Japan.
I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling, whale-free seas.
- Hey, what's goin' on? - What's happening? [ Beeping ] [ Man On P.
A.
] Folks, we're experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead - and ask you to put your seat belts back on.
- [ Screeching ] When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go so from there on out, all we have to do - [ Yawning ] - is worry about Mothra, and we do have reports he's tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time.
- Thank you very much.
- [ Roaring, Screeching ] [ Godzilla Screeches ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Homer Screams ] Undo.
! Undo.
