The Biscuit Incident
Format: Comedic monologue
Approx. length: 1-3 minutes
Original audition scene

INT. OFFICE BREAK ROOM - DAY

ALEX addresses an unseen HR representative with grave sincerity.

ALEX
I appreciate that “biscuit theft” sounds small when said aloud. That is because language is imperfect. What happened here was not merely theft. It was choreography. It was planning. It was a campaign against morale.

Every Thursday, I bring in chocolate digestives. I do this because we are not animals, despite what the microwave suggests. Last week, I placed the packet on the communal table and wrote, in clear marker pen, “Help yourself.” I accept that part. I am generous. Recklessly generous.

But today? Today I wrote “For Alex’s appraisal meeting. Please do not eat.” Underlined twice. Added a smiley face to soften the boundary. What did I find at 10:17? Crumbs. Not even a decent trail. Just the ghost of a snack.

Now, I am not accusing Priya from accounts. I am saying Priya had chocolate on her lanyard and avoided eye contact with a man holding an empty packet. Those are facts. Let the minutes show that.

I don’t want punishment. I want restoration. I want accountability. I want a lockable biscuit drawer and, ideally, a culture in which a person can prepare emotionally for a meeting with senior management without being stripped of carbohydrates.

So yes, I used the emergency fire alarm as a metaphor in my email. Perhaps “evacuate your conscience” was dramatic. But it got us here, didn’t it?
